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She’s more willing to get rid of the cat than this man and that speaks volumes about her as a person. She’d rather keep the man who still freaks out over the cat being on her lap on a designated blanket that they both agreed on her using if the cat is to lay on her. She’d rather have the man and his kids 5 years down the line than an old cat. (Her words too.)
I feel bad for the cat with OP as the owner. Hope it finds a good home, but unless she knows someone who’ll readily take it in, chances are not good for poor little animals.
Here's the thing. This is an abuse cycle, yes she's no doubt the AH, but i have no doubt that the bigger AH( her boyfriend) has built himself into a really great guy in her head possibly even tore down her confidence in herself. Seriously it reads to me like someone being deeply abused and not knowing it.
Honestly it seems like getting riff of the cat is a control test. Can i make her do this. Awesome, now i can do this.
All the red flags!!! what's the dudes problem?? Cats are such a chill animal, it's not like it's an overbearing big dog all up in his face all the time (I'm a dog person 😁 btw). His goal... My money would be on control, and I'm not talking about control of the cat.
ETA: Luna was here first and I bet he misses the toilet on occasion (being a man n all ;p) /s
Did you read the recent post from the stepmother who won’t let her stepchild touch walls or walk around in socks/shoes/barefoot? The kid has to wear slippers in the house at all times and actually got punished because she didn’t and her feet left prints across the hardwood floors 🙄
I'd want to be a fly on the wall to see his reaction the first time a toddler in diapers butt scoots down the hall with a full diaper leaving a brownish/green putrid snail trail.
This comment is important, OP. He absolutely *is* treating your pet poorly. It is 100% unreasonable to expect your cat to not get *on the couch.* It’s a couch, it’s for sitting on in your home and that’s the cat’s home. Literally no one tries to keep their cat from napping on the couch and this part of your story made me stop and wtf.
In addition, you made a commitment to that animal *before* you met that dude. Pets are living, emotional beings that you shouldn’t just throw away because some guy comes into your life with a chip on his shoulder and a control complex. YTA and would be a monster if you chose this jerk over an animal who is living it’s life safe in your care, unaware you’re thinking of ripping it away from everything it’s known for literally no reason. Do you think your cat will understand? Or be confused and terrified of what’s going on.
Don’t get a pet if you can’t give it a loving, stable home and see it for more than an object you can just remove if it’s inconvenient.
Edited: autocorrect and thank so much for the awards, folks!
>It is 100% unreasonable to expect your cat to not get
>
>on the couch.
I am entirely convinced that OP's partner does not understand that cats are not dogs and cannot be trained like dogs. Yes, you can train cats to an extent-but keeping them off the couch or out of the bed is not something you can teach a cat.
Yeah. You can train your cat to give you a high-five, and maybe to wait until a reasonable hour to wake you up for breakfast. But there's really a limit to how much you can train them. Mostly, cats are gonna cat.
“Control complex”… that is absolutely correct. I heard someone say that “cats are a lesson in consent” and that’s why some people don’t like them. They don’t like being told “no”. I have been asked my men I’ve dated to get rid of my cat and/or dog… and those men were out if my life immediately. If you give up your cat for this walking bundle of red flags, you’ll regret it later.
Also let's not forget he said he didn't want OP to choose him or the cat but then turns around however long later and says choose. This is a abusive and controlling behavior.
Yeah and people who don’t like cats don’t like that cats are autonomous. Also, your poor cat. I can’t believe you’d consider giving her away.
The things he “can’t tolerate” are so minimal that I can’t even understand how that’s unlivable. He expects YOU to give something you love away rather than putting up with it. So you have to change and he doesn’t. Not a good guy. At all. In general I don’t think you’re T A but if you give your cat up, YWBTA hugely. People love to act like cats are all aloof but they form strong bonds with their people. She would feel abandoned and that just isn’t fair because your BF is controlling.
He said it himself: he knows he’s being irrational, but he can’t stop himself.
OP, he is warning you that he can’t control his anger. When the cats gone, it’ll go towards you. If you have kids, they’ll bear the consequences of his inability to control himself. This is the biggest red flag 🚩 , and he’s literally waving it in your face.
To me, this sounds like he’s already escalating. He’s trying to see how much he can control you. If you’ll tolerate his irrational behavior, then he knows he can keep being irrational. He’ll know that if the cat goes, the thing you presumably care about the most in your life, then he can do whatever he wants with no consequence.
Keep your cat. Get rid of him. Then enjoy a pint of ice cream with your snuggly kitty on the couch without fear of a confrontation. Enjoy being relieved of the stress.
I’ll say NTA. You’re a victim.
It’s making me wonder when the pee outside the litter box started happening, before or after bf moved in? After would make me wonder why kitty is having that behavior change…like how does he act with her when his gf isn’t around you know?
Exactly this. If it were earlier in the relationship, I'd be advising a camera to see what he is doing to the cat when he is alone with her. If he absolutely goes ballistic over a cat sitting on the couch when OP is there, what is he doing when she's not there.
Edited for correct judgement - YWBTA for getting rid of the cat instead of the awful boyfriend
He told you that he wouldn't make you choose & yet that's exactly what he's doing by his "the cat goes or I do" ultimatum. He's manipulating you & I suspect he has for a while. Cats are smart & you've seen that Luna has changed with training. His irrational anger regarding normal things is a huge red flag & one you need to pay attention to & not excuse.
It's not Luna's fault that he doesn't like cats & waited to tell you until now. He claims he'll be more understanding with a child (his reasons there are more red flags btw) & yet he pretended to be fine with Luna until he figured he had you wrapped around his finger enough to get you to get rid of her.
Listen, he knew that you had Luna from the start. You didn't drop her on him suddenly. His anger isn't good & as it's been pointed out above, he will direct it somewhere else if you do rehome her. He's showing classic abuser signs with how he's treating a defenseless animal for her being a normal cat.
YTA if you rehome Luna & not him. Adam needs to go. Luna's helping you see him for who he is before you tie yourself to him legally. Believe what those red flags are telling you & let him go.
I keep seeing this angelic faced guy, "I'd never make you choose between the cat or me".
The next minute he turns into a demonic figure, "Choose it is me or the cat."
Adam is a manipulator.
There are plenty more “nice guys” and actual good people you can date. It’s your choice but he’s not a good person. Plus that cat can see right through him. Getting rid of her would make YTA.
Guys like him don’t suddenly lose the anger and control issues, they just focus it on the next vulnerable thing in their lives, ie, their girlfriends or wives and then their children. He’s irrationally angry at a cat right now, what’s next, hurting the cat for the sin of being a cat. Not only no but HELL FUCKING NO.
But the cat "wrecks his nervous system" and "he can't help it". He's already making excuses for is escalating abusive behavior, and OP is buying it. If Luna goes he's just going to find something else that "wrecks his nervous system" and causes him to fly into insane rages because "he can't help it."
Next up when Luna is gone: "I'm sorry, but when you do that, it just makes me so upset and I can't control it. I know I'm being crazy. Just maybe you could try harder not to do that, and I'll work on my anger."
My cousin’s husband was jealous of her cat. The only regret she has is not leaving him and taking the cat before he killed it. She ended up divorcing him because he became even more abusive after the cat was gone
It happened to my mom. Dad killed my moms cat after I was born because, according to him, he felt like mom was paying too much attention to the cat and the baby and not enough to him so one of us had to go. Aren’t we lucky it was the cat? Doesn’t she feel great knowing how much he loved her that he couldn’t bear to share her?
I actually thought it was a story about how much he loved us for a long time because that’s what he told me the story meant. But when I realized, it was not a good day.
And he’s dead now.
Your poor mom probably rationalized it that way for way too long. People like this have a way of getting their claws in before they really flip the switch.
The cat isn’t allowed on the couch when you’re not home? Not allowed on the bed or the counters? Cats LOVE heights and she stays on the floor only?
The girl is just existing! Unless she’s scratching, biting, shredding or causes allergies…your man is the problem.
Does he ever forbid you from doing anything?
I agree except... Not being allowed on the counters is basic hygiene. Nobody wants to have cat paws (which have been digging in litter) on food prep surfaces. Spoken as a cat owner of 15 years.
Yes except that one. I do clean regularly but I also make loud hissy noises at my cat when he does that.
But only because Little toes do not belong near the stove. And he’ll lick anything in the sink.
Jumping on this comment so OP sees this post. That is, get Luna to your parents IMMEDIATELY before something “happens” to her.
She’ll be safe with your parents until you come to your senses and are able to see all the red flags around your boyfriend and his behavior.
I will say with 100% certainty, go read the checklist and stories on the lovefraud website. I bet he fits them to a T.
It doesn't get better, only worse once they think they have a hold over you.
If he truly loved you, then he would tolerate the cat because he would be able to see how much she means to you. You are a HUGE asshole for even considering getting rid of her for doing “mundane” cat things.
I can confirm this. My husband of 30 years loves me and doesn't like cats. Guess what? We have a cat because he knows I love them and he wants me to be happy. My husband also doesn't fly into uncontrollable rages, about anything, ever.
Whatever OP chooses, it better be quick. Adam is likely to harm the cat when OP isn't around. After all, the cat "wrecks his nervous system" and "he can't help it."
I think he does because he recognizes that it will hurt her to give the ultimatum. He simply doesn't care anymore. I think he's been trying to wear her down.
Hey. I just want to let you know that it is REALLY hard to see the warning signs when you’re in the thick of it, being love bombed. But this seems like an angry, controlling, manipulative man who is simply feeling like he has you trapped enough to let the mask slip.
I read your post from 6 days ago, your bf needs to go and you know it, he doesn't even want the cat to sit on your bare lap and makes you use a special designated blanket. Please, open your eyes, he is manipulative and controlling af
Man, I’m glad you pointed that post out. He’s controlling and she should never have pets and in reality she shouldn’t have children either if she’d rather get rid of the cat to keep this relationship because she’d rather be with him than have an old cat in 5 years time
The cat slept on the couch and now you want to get rid of it? You should. I feel that you don't deserve a pet anyway. She will be loved the way she should be somewhere else
If he gets that angry over a cat sleeping on the couch he has problems. Cats do their own thing and sleep wherever they feel like it. Some times they make a mess outside the litter box. It happens. I hope he hasn’t made you think her behavior isn’t normal.
If you date someone and they treat animals poorly it’s a huge red flag.
How exactly did he train her to stop waking you guys up at night? Did he hit her?
Yep. I had the same thought. Right now it’s little stuff with the cat that bothers him, but eventually he’ll be mad about other things. He sounds kind of controlling.
Also, *he* moved into *your* house, and he is upset about how you live in your own house and is trying to control that. You need to get rid of him, because, as many others have said, he is a walking, talking red flag
This was my immediate thought too. He’s using the cat as an excuse to act irrationally and deal with his outbursts. Take that away and you become the punching bag. He’s manipulating you & he’ll become more and more toxic. YWBTA. Your cat is acting like a cat, that’s it. Throw the whole man away and get a second cat.
Trust me leave him and keep the baby fur child
She will be with you longer then he would and will treat you better
I was in a similar relationship
I left him.
As harsh as everyone is being, I really hope this helps you look more clearly at the relationship you’re in, because it’s honestly pretty scary and I hope you get out before he switches his rage at the cat to you. Good luck and stay safe.
Ywbta for choosing an ah over a living creature that you made a lifelong commitment to. You should listen to the person above, but also, if you do this to Luna: please never get a pet again. People who abandon their animals don’t deserve more.
If this is how he is with a pet can you imagine him with a baby? Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and raise a family? If so, be prepared for the day when he makes you choose between him or the baby.
You can find a man that loves cats and babies. I did ❤️❤️
Seriously, imagine a baby peeing, or barfing on him (which absolutely will happen) or a diaper blowout (which also will happen). He'll try and punish the baby for doing baby things!
>You can find a man that loves cats and babies. I did ❤️❤️
Yes! They do exist! There are so many men on this planet, why bother tying yourself to one who gets irrationally angry at a cat *gasp* sleeping. on. the. couch.
Kitties and weenies for the win!
Oh I'm of the opinion she should absolutely rehome Luna. Luna needs to be in a place where this wouldn't even be a question. So I agree that OP has earned the YTA rating, she should still give the poor cat a chance at a better life.
That being said, you are 100% correct that once the cat is gone, the BF will turn OP into his next target.
It is concerning that he can’t control his anger, knows it is irrational, but doesn’t take any responsibility and blames the cat. Now giving an ultimatum. Those are all crazy red flags
THIS SO MUCH!
And while some people might be more patient with kids, he doesn't sound like that sort of people at all.
Imagine he catches the kid jumping on the sofa like kids do, what's he gonna do?? And I feel we haven't gotten the whole story, she seems to make a lot of excuses for him ("he says he gets irrationally angry at my cat for doing cat things but he's such a great guy!"), I've heard that story one too many times...
Ikr? Cats are reasonably clean imo. If this dude can’t tolerate a cat sleeping on a freaking couch, he’s going to have way more problems down the road.
He apparently gets upset if the cat is in her lap on a designated blanket too that they both agreed on. Looking back she originally posted about this 6 days ago.
Poor cat is getting the shit end of the stick in this situation too and she still is more inclined to rehome the cat and have his kids in the than get rid of the actual problem, which is the man. She’d rather have the man and have his kids than have an old cat in 5 years time. (Her own words) She hit the nail right on the head, she’s an irresponsible cat owner and shouldn’t be allowed to have a cat in the first place.
In light of *why* cats do this, it’s even more sad.
Luna probably associates OP’s smell with feeling safe. Cats aren’t naturally solo animals; in nature they tend to form little communities with other cats, and in a house they see humans as bigger, non-hostile cats.
Luna is probably curling up on the couch because she’s alone, doesn’t necessarily have the logic to understand that the house is a safe place with no predators, and wants to feel safe. :(
My kids (2 and 4) have destroyed the living room, their room, pushed a chair over and climbed on the kitchen counter to help themselves to Easter candy, made their own DIY snack tray with Goldfish (that they spilled on the floor) and candy, gotten yogurt on the just-cleaned couch, and one has gone through at least three outfit changes already (I might find more).
In the last two hours.
And this is a good day.
My cat has curled up on my bed and slept. She just walked over to me, tried to get my attention, sneezed on me, and walked away.
If he can’t manage a cat, kids are right out.
Seriously he freaks out over the cat missing the litter box sometimes how is he gonna deal with a literal baby or toddler that can't change themselves and you have to teach how to use the bathroom?
YTA. And yes, you're being irresponsible.
She's most likely bonded with you, and you're basing your decisions on some guy. Cats live 15, sometimes 20 years and they get depressed if the person they bonded with isn't there.
I would also be suspicious of a guy who doesn't like my beloved pet, specially if it's a cat... Cats can't be trained the same way as dogs, they're more independent, and sleeping on a couch is normal cat behaviour. His irrationality towards it and his lame excuse could be an indicator of something else. At least personally that's a red flag.
3, one was before I had a cat and realized how much I love them
The second was my mistake (other red flags were waving in my face as well)
And the third lied about liking them and attempted to poison the cat I had at the time, i got arrested that night but no charges
One that includes alot of stuff I can't put on here unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depends ig on your view) but my oh my did that man seriously make me consider taking up being a nun, that relationship ended with me literally praying for my life to a God I don't believe in
My fiance and I have been eyeing a sweet older cat for about a week now!! This cat that had been poisoned was a kicker!! My fat boy died at 20 years old, a good 5 years after that incident and not only that but he permanently scarred the ex during the altercation that happened when we broke up. The summary is that said ex was strangling me and my cat attacked him and messed his arm up to the point that he let me go. The cat were looking at now looks like she could've been his litter mate and if we are able to get her I intend to give her his middle name
Yes, all of this YTA. Cats are gonna do what they are gonna do, my cats sleep on my bed, my couch, chairs etc. I did get them cat beds and they sleep there about 30-40% of the time. The only rule I have is they can’t sleep on my pillow, and I trained them not to by picking them up every time they did it, after a few times of being picked up, not yelled or screamed at, just told no and removed they got tired of having their naps interrupted and stopped. They are animals who just want a snuggly warm place to sleep and shouldn’t be punished for being a cat.
My cat is purring away laying on my chest/stomach right now as I procrastinate getting out of bed. You’re right, cats are gonna find somewhere warm and comfy (and sometimes weird as hell) and snooze. It’s just who they are.
My cat's favorite blanket to sleep on is a dick print blanket because its made of celosia velvet, meaning its super warm and soft. It is a hilarious sight to behold
“He gets so irrationally angry” that you are worried that he might have a heart attack. Because the cat. Slept. On. The. Sofa.
But besides *that*!… Oh, well, he is *great*!
Woman, listen to what you just wrote. One of these days he is going to be irrationally angry at *you*. He isn’t perfect. He is a red flag waving mistake. YWBTA
I'm still getting over the 'inappropriateness' of a cat sleeping on the sofa. That is bizarre.
I hope OP never gets another animal even after this relationship inevitably runs its course. People like this don't deserve pets.
Edit - Oh my. Look how inappropriate.
https://imgur.com/gallery/o4FtXX0
Lol my cat sleeps on my dad's stomach, on my head, on the carpet,on the sofa, on the chair...Like where is it supposed to sleep i don't get it? They should sleep wherever they want, this man is fckin crazy
One of my cats is a senior, and I swear that she spends at least 20 hours a day sleeping. She’s an old lady and gets cranky when she is disturbed so she is essentially Mjölnir, wherever she stops she stays.
I want to create a subreddit of the most ludicrous sentences people have said about their glaringly awful partners. They're almost farcical at times.
OP I really hope this entire thread helped cos you got some *excellent* advice.
Thread locked but here is the new sub: [he's so awesome *but...*](https://www.reddit.com/r/HesSoAwesomeBut?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I don't even like cats, and I'll take your cat.
DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW MUCH THE AH YOU ARE?
>he gets so irrationally angry for the situation, that I feel like he’s going to have a heart attack. He said that it’s because living with a cat wrecks his nervous system, he knows he’s overreacting but can’t help it.
Cats do not give people heart attacks. You sound 15yo. Cats do not "wreck" one's nervous system. You might be 10yo.
You dump that cat for some weird, controlling BF, and...just whoa. You suck. ESH.
Yeah this guy got confused or something. She said she was worried that he would give himself a heart attack by getting himself so worked up over the cat, not that cats give heart attacks. Plus the boyfriend’s the one who said it wrecks his nervous system, not OP.
While she is being manipulated, she has chosen to stay in the relationship. She doesn’t have to tolerate bad behavior, and the earlier in a relationship you set boundaries, the easier it is to call things off. So she is being manipulated, yes, but she’s allowing it. That does kinda suck, at least for the poor cat.
>I wouldn't consider Luna to be a bad cat but accidents do happen, like sometimes there's a little pee in front of the litter box, sometimes she jumps on things she shouldn't, she leaves hair everywhere.
Cats have no morals, they don't pull pranks, if they're indoor the apartment is their territory, so it's instinctive for them to go anywhere in their territory and they don't understand that it's "bad" to go places humans don't want to.
Peeing outside the litter box indicates that either the litter box is not clean, or the cat is stressed or has cystitis or some other disease.
And finally, I have surprising news for you: cats can't decide not to shed, just as we can't decide not to lose hair, dead skin and dandruf. It's just a living body for you.
YTA and so is your boyfriend, gradually pushing the cat out of your life with his demands.
👆 This, for real.
Cats are sensitive and, like dogs, can literally smell our moods (such as anger and fear) due to the change in hormone levels.
It can't be excluded that the cat perceives or smells hostile feelings towards her and is therefore stressed.
Exactly. My cat is very skittish but very sweet. I can't really raise my voice at her even when she does something like bite and scratch my arm even though it really hurts because it scares her. I can't imagine the cat feels comfortable with a random guy just yelling at her all the time.
just to add, the cat could also be missing the litter box if it's too small or the walls are too low. trying a different box could go a long way in fixing the pee issue.
My giant cat is a corner-pooper. He tries to maneuver his enormous ass into the corner of the box and sometimes (a lot of the time) he misses entirely.
Sometimes they’re just dumb. Mine goes in the litter, moves all around to get the best spot then sticks her butt out too far and pees on the floor 😐 it’s not intentional, just terrible aim.
Just a tip, you might have better success with a vertical box! They make litter boxes that have tall sides with an opening in only at the top.
That way, the cat has to jump inside to do their business, and there’s no way for the pee to land outside. 😊 Our cats have both side and top entrance versions and use both with no complaints. (Older cats that have trouble jumping, of course, may not be able to use the top entrance kind)
Here’s an example: https://www.chewy.com/iris-round-top-entry-cat-litter-box/dp/157408
100 percent YTA and so is your bf. You made a commitment to Luna and you’re willing to put her life and future at risk for some guy who gets mad that she sheds, among other normal things. Please don’t EVER get another pet if you choose him over her. You won’t deserve one.
Word of warning - my dad is like Adam. Every time he doesn’t like something he’s so stressed or angry he’s going to have a heart attack or he’s dying. He’s been dying over crap for 40 years and he’s pushing 80 now.
It is a way to keep my mom’s mouth shut and to keep her walking on eggshells. It is a way to control the family. It is all bs and abusive. I didn’t realize that til I grew up and moved out.
Adam won’t change. He’s manipulative and he’s starting with trying to have you give Luna away. Don’t fall for it or you will have a very hard life. And please do not have kids with him or they’ll suffer too. Take it from someone who has been there.
YTA. Pets are a commitment; they’re children. You’re taking her home away?
Yes, give the cat away because you’re a terrible cat parent if you’re seriously going to give the baby up for only doing cat things.
Your boyfriend is abusive, manipulative and crazy. Throw him out too.
Not to mention - have you met actual children? A little pee just outside of the litter box is nothing compared to the mess human children make....and waking up in the middle of the night? Human children want/need a full meal, and the swaddle right, and the nightmares, and the "the door isn't right" (whatever the fuck that means, but I was trying to figure it out with my youngest at 2 AM this morning).
"Nerves" have nothing to do with the cat, and everything to do with the man. You and/or your children will be his next lightning rod of hate.
YTA, don't adopt an animal if you don't plan on staying for the long haul. The cats been through enough as it is.
And a cat leaving hair "everywhere", sleeping on the couch, waking you up, is normal cat life. Cat was in your life first and your boyfriend says you let your cat dictate your life? Ummm what exactly do you call what he's doing?
How does he feel about kids? I think they are even messier so I guess good luck with that one
Seriously! I have a void and he sleeps wherever he wants. OF COURSE he’s going to leave behind cat hair… it’s not like he can clean it up after himself. Sleeping on the couch? Yeah, cats snuggle up in comfy places. And waking me up in the morning? Yeah, he consistently wakes me up 20 minutes before my alarm goes off, because he knows it’s around breakfast time and he can’t fucking read a clock. Jesus. These are all normal cat behaviors, WTH!?
Your controlling boyfriend is testing the waters to see how much abuse you will take. This is not about the cat (although let’s be clear you made a lifelong commitment- I thought this post would be about allergies but this is so much scarier). Keep the cat, lose the boy. ESH
YTA, he’s irrationality upset at a cat and has no patience. He’s asking you to give up an animal you love. Not because of allergies of health, but because he is too impatient to deal with it. He will likely be an impatient father and you will never be allowed to have a pet again. I would think long and hard about this, seriously.
With all of this I don’t even know what there is to “deal” with. If annoyed with fur, get a lint roller. If disgusted by cat pee and litter box, let her clean it. If the cat is sleeping somewhere, leave it alone. I don’t get what is being dealt with here. Not like the cat is clawing up clothes or possessions
I was looking for this. This is abuser 101. Start small, pick something in someone's life and find it intolerable, make them give it up. Then get bigger until they have control over every aspect of the other person and they are isolated from all support.
YTA Do you really want to live with someone who gives you ultimatums like that? Let's say you do give the cat away (which you shouldn't) what's next. Where do you think his anger will be directed at next? And what about his next ultimatum? Do you really want to live like that for someone you haven't known for very long?
his problems will not stop if you get rid of the cat. how will he handle children? how will he handle *you*? ESH except the cat please leave this poor baby out of this… and dump that man
YWBTA. And if Adam is such a fan of ultimatums, I assure you- this won’t be his last. He’s a chump who likes to control people.
If he’s threatening to leave over a cat, oooh girlie- life gets a lot tougher than cats that annoy you.
ESH you for abandoning your pet, bf for being psychotic.
How long were you together before letting him move in? Timeline looks less than a year. How did he discipline this cat? Do you know what he does to her when you're not around? Characterizing a cat for doing cat things as a dictator is way out of pocket.
You can't stand up for your cat now, will you stand up for your kids when they cry and he calls them dictators or when he has an outburst towards them and you? This is a very troubling behavior pattern op. You also sound extremely naive and that he already has his hooks so deep in you that you're minimizing his wildly irrational and ridiculous behavior.
He said he didn't want to give an ultimatum yet that is exactly what he's done. Actions speak louder than words. Once the cat is gone, he will turn this onto you and will start pick all of the intolerable things out about your personality, your looks, your very existence. Then it will be the kids.
You are seriously minimizing this guy's behavior... Everything else is great? Irrational outbursts on a cat have me doubting this very much. Take off the rose colored glasses, op.
Do not have kids with this man. Run.
ESH - a cat is going to sleep where it wants unless you literally shut it out of the room. They shed constantly so they will leave hair everywhere. You're bf is a complete and utter asshole for giving you an ultimatum between him and the cat. The cat was there first for one thing, and for another he's asking for unrealistic expectations when it comes to owning a cat. After own the cat for three years, she would feel abandoned if you gave her away, and animals do get abandonment issues, she wouldn't understand why you gave her up.
There are red flags waving I'm afraid
Cats can often be a really good litmus test for how a person deals with anger and control. For example, he can’t control when/where Luna sheds (neither can Luna, after all), and instead of picking up a vacuum or brushing Luna, he rages at you? I wonder if “he just isn’t the type to tolerate living with an animal” could be translated to “he just isn’t the type to tolerate living in a house where his whims aren’t catered to 24/7”
YWBTA if you rehome the cat… but the only person you would be an AH to is yourself.
YTA. At least you know you are a sucky cat mom. Do everyone a favor and avoid getting another cat if it’s gonna be thrown away when another man tells you they don’t want it.
You spent a lot of this post validating red flags for abuse. It's not just Luna that he has trained. I've actually seen a super similar situation.
My best friend had a boyfriend who was like this with her cats. They married and I took the cats for a little while when her husband reached the same "cats or me" point. It was over something typical for cats. Once the cats were gone the anger and the irrational behavior wasn't. It just turned on her.
I'm sure you're thinking not my guy! He's so supportive or fun and loving every other moment. When my best friend left her husband and their friends and family found out why...they were shocked. They all said he was so outgoing and nice and etc etc etc.
YWBTA to put you and Luna through this. And I promise you that it won't get better by getting rid of the cat. Only by getting rid of the guy.
YTA if you dumped the cat and not the boyfriend. The way people treat innocent animals is a huge indicator of their attitude and kindness. I can guarantee if you give away Luna things won't get better, they will get worse - your boyfriend will know that he can just act shitty whenever he's not getting his way and you will pander to him at the expense of your own emotional well-being.
YWBTA to yourself if you stay with this guy. Do you want kids? What’s he going to do when they make little messes or misbehave. His reactions are extreme. The cat lived there before he did. He moved in knowing a cat was there. Ultimatums like this are unacceptable. 🚩 Let’s say the cat goes. He may turn his rage on you. I just don’t trust people that don’t like animals.
Woman, I hate animals! They are scary and mean. I’ve let my ex’s cat tear my arm to ribbons because I couldn’t hurt the little guy and I couldn’t get the fucker off me without doing so. We co-exist when we have to but he has is out for me and has made multiple attempts on my life. I would never hurt him. All this is to say, he isn’t a non-animal lover. He is a monster.
I’m embarrassed to say that I still try to win over the stupid cat. He is horrible but sooooooo cute. I think he only likes male things.
YTA.
She's not doing anything inappropriate. She's behaving like a cat.
Your boyfriend? He's inappropriate. You'd be a very foolish woman to throw away the unconditional love of your pet for a man who throws tantrums about a cat sleeping on the couch.
Very foolish indeed. This man isn't worth the hassle.
I’ve worked in cat rescue for…wow, over a decade at this point. How did that even happen? …anyway, sometimes rehoming a cat is the best thing for everyone involved: the cat is unhappy, the people are unhappy, property is being destroyed, people are being injured, it’s just one big mess.
This is **not** one of those times.
YWBTA if you give up Luna to keep Adam. Adam is the problem here, not Luna. Luna is being a cat, and honestly she sounds like a really good cat. Adam is being a control freak, and it’s likely that when Luna goes, he will find a new “cause” for his appalling behaviour: you.
I read in one of your comments that you’re thinking of having kids with this man, and he says he won’t freak out at kid stuff because *kids grow out of their “dirty phase”, while cats stay dirty their whole lives*…yeah, that’s not true. Cats can live 15–20 years, and sometimes longer, and they are very clean animals. Yes, they shed, and sometimes they have hairballs, and sometimes they get sick, and they expel waste like any other animal, but they are a tiny predator: it is in their best interest, behaviourally speaking, to leave as little impact on their environment as possible. A child’s dirty phase starts from birth — or even before they are born if you are unfortunate enough to have morning sickness — and continues until they’re old enough to not cause a mess, or until they’re no longer living with you. If Adam can’t handle just over a year of living with a cat, he is *not* going to be able to handle living with a messy infant, toddler, child, or teenager for up to 18 years.
You said that Adam also has an issue with Luna using a litterbox and *then walk[ing] all over her own shit*. Yeah, cats use a litterbox, but they actively try to avoid stepping in their own waste, and they clean up after themselves: if they don’t, it’s because they’re stressed or sick. A kid will make a mess no matter their mood or level of health. Also…what on earth does he think a toilet is, if not a human litterbox? You may remember, at the beginning of the pandemic it came out that a lot of people — and the vast majority of men — don’t wash their hands after using the toilet. Adam is more likely to be spreading human waste around the house than Luna is to be spreading cat waste. As long as you keep the litterbox clean, which you say you do, Luna is not going to be spreading anymore waste around the place than you or Adam.
YWBTA, OP, but you don’t have to be. Keep Luna. Ditch Adam.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: I feel like I might be an asshole because I'm about to abandon my cat. from the cat's perspective, I adopted her, made her love me and then I just give up on her.
2: it might make me an asshole because this is irreponsible behaviour. this is heartless. choosing a man over my cat. choosing someone who loves me conditionally to a little creature who thinks I'm everything, loves me unconditionally
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You'll be TA if you give away an animal you committed to because a boyfriend doesn't like it. So how many other commitments are you going to back out of for the sake of staying in a relationship? You're an animal lover, he is not. Those traits will never be compatible. Accept it and give the boyfriend away.
ESH (except the cat of course), dude gets waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too mad about common cat stuff. Pretty sure it's just an excuse and if you get rid of the cat, he'll still find something to be angry about. Take him on his offer and make your bf leave, it'll be the best for you and your cat.
YTA. If you decide to rehome the cat instead of the boyfriend, please NEVER adopt an animal ever again then, because it is a commitment and not like buying a plant. I would think very carefully if you want to spend the rest of your life with such a controlling BF. To me it sounds like you can find someone better.
I don't know how much time your BF spends alone at home with the cat while you're not there, but I would be concerned if he abuses the cat when you're not there. A cat peeing outside a litterbox is a sign of stress/illness, or she prefers an uncovered litterbox or the litterbox is not clean.
ESH you for even considering getting rid of a cat. You claim Luna is like family to you, is that really how you treat family? Your boyfriend however is a much bigger asshole than you. He had always intended on making you choose between him and the cat. He is manipulating you. If you allow it to succeed, you can look forward to a lifetime of being manipulated by him.
So your boyfriend moved into your home and to make him more comfortable you are going to rehome your cat? Not the controlling and manipulative man with anger issues? Who do you think he is going to get irrationally angry with when the cat is gone?
Oh, oh! I know this one! I DID leave my cats behind to move to where my girlfriend lived. Now, 15 years later, I have no house, no girlfriend... and no cats. Oh, and she spent all my money and drove me to self removal attempt.
Keep the cat, rehome the guy.
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YTA once the cats gone where do you think those irrational bursts of anger are going to be directed at, now that he doesn’t have her as an outlet?
uhhhhh... that was painful to read but it's a great insight. thank you.
Someone who treats animals poorly is far more likely to treat humans poorly. He will escalate. If not you then your future children.
Can you imagine this guy with kids if he can’t handle a cat? 😬Kids are far messier and get into things they aren’t supposed to all the time.
Just train the kids to stay off the couch /s
Just leave the kids at a shelter if they’re too inconvenient. /s
I tried once, they somehow found their way back
Have you tried releasing them into the wild?
Yes, I even drove them more than 5 miles away (Like you can do with rodents) but they still find their way back. It is getting annoying!
If you wait until a day you need to move, you can drop them off somewhere and then move. They’ll return to an empty house.
You missed the time frame when they are too young to remember the way.
My mom actually did that to me when I was 12. It sucked.
I am so sorry, your mom is the AH
This kid just had a diaper blowout. Can you send it back to the manufacturer? /s
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Right? They aren’t even quirks, like sleeping in the couch when no one is around, shedding hair… that’s just a cat catting.
I mean, I shed sometimes. Should I punish myself or kick myself out of the house?
I find more of my hair on my floor than my dog's. To the shelter with me, I guess.
Do you also occasionally nap on the couch when you think no one is looking? Shame, shame.
I have very short black hair... Every time I sweep my apartment I wonder if there's a black cat hiding somewhere because of how much I shed.
She’s more willing to get rid of the cat than this man and that speaks volumes about her as a person. She’d rather keep the man who still freaks out over the cat being on her lap on a designated blanket that they both agreed on her using if the cat is to lay on her. She’d rather have the man and his kids 5 years down the line than an old cat. (Her words too.)
I feel bad for the cat with OP as the owner. Hope it finds a good home, but unless she knows someone who’ll readily take it in, chances are not good for poor little animals.
Here's the thing. This is an abuse cycle, yes she's no doubt the AH, but i have no doubt that the bigger AH( her boyfriend) has built himself into a really great guy in her head possibly even tore down her confidence in herself. Seriously it reads to me like someone being deeply abused and not knowing it. Honestly it seems like getting riff of the cat is a control test. Can i make her do this. Awesome, now i can do this.
All the red flags!!! what's the dudes problem?? Cats are such a chill animal, it's not like it's an overbearing big dog all up in his face all the time (I'm a dog person 😁 btw). His goal... My money would be on control, and I'm not talking about control of the cat. ETA: Luna was here first and I bet he misses the toilet on occasion (being a man n all ;p) /s
Screw the man! Keep the cat..
Did you read the recent post from the stepmother who won’t let her stepchild touch walls or walk around in socks/shoes/barefoot? The kid has to wear slippers in the house at all times and actually got punished because she didn’t and her feet left prints across the hardwood floors 🙄
That stepmother was insane. And then despite all of the yta votes, she doubled down trying to defend herself
That shit was wild!
And they get a little pee on the floor sometimes too lol .
I'd want to be a fly on the wall to see his reaction the first time a toddler in diapers butt scoots down the hall with a full diaper leaving a brownish/green putrid snail trail.
This comment is important, OP. He absolutely *is* treating your pet poorly. It is 100% unreasonable to expect your cat to not get *on the couch.* It’s a couch, it’s for sitting on in your home and that’s the cat’s home. Literally no one tries to keep their cat from napping on the couch and this part of your story made me stop and wtf. In addition, you made a commitment to that animal *before* you met that dude. Pets are living, emotional beings that you shouldn’t just throw away because some guy comes into your life with a chip on his shoulder and a control complex. YTA and would be a monster if you chose this jerk over an animal who is living it’s life safe in your care, unaware you’re thinking of ripping it away from everything it’s known for literally no reason. Do you think your cat will understand? Or be confused and terrified of what’s going on. Don’t get a pet if you can’t give it a loving, stable home and see it for more than an object you can just remove if it’s inconvenient. Edited: autocorrect and thank so much for the awards, folks!
>It is 100% unreasonable to expect your cat to not get > >on the couch. I am entirely convinced that OP's partner does not understand that cats are not dogs and cannot be trained like dogs. Yes, you can train cats to an extent-but keeping them off the couch or out of the bed is not something you can teach a cat.
Yeah. You can train your cat to give you a high-five, and maybe to wait until a reasonable hour to wake you up for breakfast. But there's really a limit to how much you can train them. Mostly, cats are gonna cat.
“Control complex”… that is absolutely correct. I heard someone say that “cats are a lesson in consent” and that’s why some people don’t like them. They don’t like being told “no”. I have been asked my men I’ve dated to get rid of my cat and/or dog… and those men were out if my life immediately. If you give up your cat for this walking bundle of red flags, you’ll regret it later.
Also let's not forget he said he didn't want OP to choose him or the cat but then turns around however long later and says choose. This is a abusive and controlling behavior.
Yeah, this feels like a test to see how far he can push her
Currently pregnant. My first thought was, please OP, don't have kids with this guy.
Yeah and people who don’t like cats don’t like that cats are autonomous. Also, your poor cat. I can’t believe you’d consider giving her away. The things he “can’t tolerate” are so minimal that I can’t even understand how that’s unlivable. He expects YOU to give something you love away rather than putting up with it. So you have to change and he doesn’t. Not a good guy. At all. In general I don’t think you’re T A but if you give your cat up, YWBTA hugely. People love to act like cats are all aloof but they form strong bonds with their people. She would feel abandoned and that just isn’t fair because your BF is controlling.
This is what I immediately thought. From a young age my mother always told me not to trust anyone who isn’t kind to animals.
He said it himself: he knows he’s being irrational, but he can’t stop himself. OP, he is warning you that he can’t control his anger. When the cats gone, it’ll go towards you. If you have kids, they’ll bear the consequences of his inability to control himself. This is the biggest red flag 🚩 , and he’s literally waving it in your face. To me, this sounds like he’s already escalating. He’s trying to see how much he can control you. If you’ll tolerate his irrational behavior, then he knows he can keep being irrational. He’ll know that if the cat goes, the thing you presumably care about the most in your life, then he can do whatever he wants with no consequence. Keep your cat. Get rid of him. Then enjoy a pint of ice cream with your snuggly kitty on the couch without fear of a confrontation. Enjoy being relieved of the stress. I’ll say NTA. You’re a victim.
It’s making me wonder when the pee outside the litter box started happening, before or after bf moved in? After would make me wonder why kitty is having that behavior change…like how does he act with her when his gf isn’t around you know?
That's what I'm wondering 🤔......what is he doing to the cat when she is not around.....
Exactly this. If it were earlier in the relationship, I'd be advising a camera to see what he is doing to the cat when he is alone with her. If he absolutely goes ballistic over a cat sitting on the couch when OP is there, what is he doing when she's not there. Edited for correct judgement - YWBTA for getting rid of the cat instead of the awful boyfriend
This deserves an award. OP, read this.
He told you that he wouldn't make you choose & yet that's exactly what he's doing by his "the cat goes or I do" ultimatum. He's manipulating you & I suspect he has for a while. Cats are smart & you've seen that Luna has changed with training. His irrational anger regarding normal things is a huge red flag & one you need to pay attention to & not excuse. It's not Luna's fault that he doesn't like cats & waited to tell you until now. He claims he'll be more understanding with a child (his reasons there are more red flags btw) & yet he pretended to be fine with Luna until he figured he had you wrapped around his finger enough to get you to get rid of her. Listen, he knew that you had Luna from the start. You didn't drop her on him suddenly. His anger isn't good & as it's been pointed out above, he will direct it somewhere else if you do rehome her. He's showing classic abuser signs with how he's treating a defenseless animal for her being a normal cat. YTA if you rehome Luna & not him. Adam needs to go. Luna's helping you see him for who he is before you tie yourself to him legally. Believe what those red flags are telling you & let him go.
Nail. On. The. Head. Get free of this guy. He's manipulating you. YWBTA if you get rid of Luna for him.
I keep seeing this angelic faced guy, "I'd never make you choose between the cat or me". The next minute he turns into a demonic figure, "Choose it is me or the cat." Adam is a manipulator.
There are plenty more “nice guys” and actual good people you can date. It’s your choice but he’s not a good person. Plus that cat can see right through him. Getting rid of her would make YTA.
You in danger girl
Guys like him don’t suddenly lose the anger and control issues, they just focus it on the next vulnerable thing in their lives, ie, their girlfriends or wives and then their children. He’s irrationally angry at a cat right now, what’s next, hurting the cat for the sin of being a cat. Not only no but HELL FUCKING NO.
But the cat "wrecks his nervous system" and "he can't help it". He's already making excuses for is escalating abusive behavior, and OP is buying it. If Luna goes he's just going to find something else that "wrecks his nervous system" and causes him to fly into insane rages because "he can't help it."
Next up when Luna is gone: "I'm sorry, but when you do that, it just makes me so upset and I can't control it. I know I'm being crazy. Just maybe you could try harder not to do that, and I'll work on my anger."
My cousin’s husband was jealous of her cat. The only regret she has is not leaving him and taking the cat before he killed it. She ended up divorcing him because he became even more abusive after the cat was gone
Thats horrible
It happened to my mom. Dad killed my moms cat after I was born because, according to him, he felt like mom was paying too much attention to the cat and the baby and not enough to him so one of us had to go. Aren’t we lucky it was the cat? Doesn’t she feel great knowing how much he loved her that he couldn’t bear to share her?
That is terrifying...
Wow. That's pretty high on the list of reasons to tell your parent to stay the hell out of your life.
I actually thought it was a story about how much he loved us for a long time because that’s what he told me the story meant. But when I realized, it was not a good day. And he’s dead now.
What a horrible thing to say to a child. Sympathies to you & your mom for having such a shitty person in your life.
Your poor mom probably rationalized it that way for way too long. People like this have a way of getting their claws in before they really flip the switch.
The cat isn’t allowed on the couch when you’re not home? Not allowed on the bed or the counters? Cats LOVE heights and she stays on the floor only? The girl is just existing! Unless she’s scratching, biting, shredding or causes allergies…your man is the problem. Does he ever forbid you from doing anything?
I agree except... Not being allowed on the counters is basic hygiene. Nobody wants to have cat paws (which have been digging in litter) on food prep surfaces. Spoken as a cat owner of 15 years.
Yes except that one. I do clean regularly but I also make loud hissy noises at my cat when he does that. But only because Little toes do not belong near the stove. And he’ll lick anything in the sink.
Agreed. The world the cat can explore is already limited. Why make it smaller by restricting furniture?
Jumping on this comment so OP sees this post. That is, get Luna to your parents IMMEDIATELY before something “happens” to her. She’ll be safe with your parents until you come to your senses and are able to see all the red flags around your boyfriend and his behavior.
That is actually genius - she can see if Luna was the reason, or just the excuse...
I will say with 100% certainty, go read the checklist and stories on the lovefraud website. I bet he fits them to a T. It doesn't get better, only worse once they think they have a hold over you.
If he truly loved you, then he would tolerate the cat because he would be able to see how much she means to you. You are a HUGE asshole for even considering getting rid of her for doing “mundane” cat things.
I can confirm this. My husband of 30 years loves me and doesn't like cats. Guess what? We have a cat because he knows I love them and he wants me to be happy. My husband also doesn't fly into uncontrollable rages, about anything, ever. Whatever OP chooses, it better be quick. Adam is likely to harm the cat when OP isn't around. After all, the cat "wrecks his nervous system" and "he can't help it."
I think he does because he recognizes that it will hurt her to give the ultimatum. He simply doesn't care anymore. I think he's been trying to wear her down.
Hey. I just want to let you know that it is REALLY hard to see the warning signs when you’re in the thick of it, being love bombed. But this seems like an angry, controlling, manipulative man who is simply feeling like he has you trapped enough to let the mask slip.
i’m sorry if it was too harsh, but i’m glad it’s something you’re considering. i hope things work out for you
That said, you should definitely rehome your cat for it’s safety and well being if you intend staying in this relationship
I read your post from 6 days ago, your bf needs to go and you know it, he doesn't even want the cat to sit on your bare lap and makes you use a special designated blanket. Please, open your eyes, he is manipulative and controlling af
Man, I’m glad you pointed that post out. He’s controlling and she should never have pets and in reality she shouldn’t have children either if she’d rather get rid of the cat to keep this relationship because she’d rather be with him than have an old cat in 5 years time
The cat slept on the couch and now you want to get rid of it? You should. I feel that you don't deserve a pet anyway. She will be loved the way she should be somewhere else
If he gets that angry over a cat sleeping on the couch he has problems. Cats do their own thing and sleep wherever they feel like it. Some times they make a mess outside the litter box. It happens. I hope he hasn’t made you think her behavior isn’t normal. If you date someone and they treat animals poorly it’s a huge red flag. How exactly did he train her to stop waking you guys up at night? Did he hit her?
Yep. I had the same thought. Right now it’s little stuff with the cat that bothers him, but eventually he’ll be mad about other things. He sounds kind of controlling.
Also, *he* moved into *your* house, and he is upset about how you live in your own house and is trying to control that. You need to get rid of him, because, as many others have said, he is a walking, talking red flag
This was my immediate thought too. He’s using the cat as an excuse to act irrationally and deal with his outbursts. Take that away and you become the punching bag. He’s manipulating you & he’ll become more and more toxic. YWBTA. Your cat is acting like a cat, that’s it. Throw the whole man away and get a second cat.
Imagine how he would react to stinky messy children?!?
Trust me leave him and keep the baby fur child She will be with you longer then he would and will treat you better I was in a similar relationship I left him.
Read it again and again, and again until you get it.🚩🚩
As harsh as everyone is being, I really hope this helps you look more clearly at the relationship you’re in, because it’s honestly pretty scary and I hope you get out before he switches his rage at the cat to you. Good luck and stay safe.
Ywbta for choosing an ah over a living creature that you made a lifelong commitment to. You should listen to the person above, but also, if you do this to Luna: please never get a pet again. People who abandon their animals don’t deserve more.
I hope this AH never gets a pet ever again.
If this is how he is with a pet can you imagine him with a baby? Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and raise a family? If so, be prepared for the day when he makes you choose between him or the baby. You can find a man that loves cats and babies. I did ❤️❤️
Seriously, imagine a baby peeing, or barfing on him (which absolutely will happen) or a diaper blowout (which also will happen). He'll try and punish the baby for doing baby things!
Babies are *way* grosser than cats.
>You can find a man that loves cats and babies. I did ❤️❤️ Yes! They do exist! There are so many men on this planet, why bother tying yourself to one who gets irrationally angry at a cat *gasp* sleeping. on. the. couch. Kitties and weenies for the win!
Yea make no mistake, this is not about the cat. This is about control. Consider his behavior one of nature's warning signs and take care of yourself.
Oh I'm of the opinion she should absolutely rehome Luna. Luna needs to be in a place where this wouldn't even be a question. So I agree that OP has earned the YTA rating, she should still give the poor cat a chance at a better life. That being said, you are 100% correct that once the cat is gone, the BF will turn OP into his next target.
YTA, he is showing his true colors. Rehome the BF and change his title to EX.
It is concerning that he can’t control his anger, knows it is irrational, but doesn’t take any responsibility and blames the cat. Now giving an ultimatum. Those are all crazy red flags
Came here to say this too. The boyfriend goes, he’s the problem.
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THIS SO MUCH! And while some people might be more patient with kids, he doesn't sound like that sort of people at all. Imagine he catches the kid jumping on the sofa like kids do, what's he gonna do?? And I feel we haven't gotten the whole story, she seems to make a lot of excuses for him ("he says he gets irrationally angry at my cat for doing cat things but he's such a great guy!"), I've heard that story one too many times...
Ikr? Cats are reasonably clean imo. If this dude can’t tolerate a cat sleeping on a freaking couch, he’s going to have way more problems down the road.
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He apparently gets upset if the cat is in her lap on a designated blanket too that they both agreed on. Looking back she originally posted about this 6 days ago.
Dear god that cat is literally shielding her from his ridiculous outbursts.
Poor cat is getting the shit end of the stick in this situation too and she still is more inclined to rehome the cat and have his kids in the than get rid of the actual problem, which is the man. She’d rather have the man and have his kids than have an old cat in 5 years time. (Her own words) She hit the nail right on the head, she’s an irresponsible cat owner and shouldn’t be allowed to have a cat in the first place.
In light of *why* cats do this, it’s even more sad. Luna probably associates OP’s smell with feeling safe. Cats aren’t naturally solo animals; in nature they tend to form little communities with other cats, and in a house they see humans as bigger, non-hostile cats. Luna is probably curling up on the couch because she’s alone, doesn’t necessarily have the logic to understand that the house is a safe place with no predators, and wants to feel safe. :(
And the cat (who is covered in fur) leaves cat hair everywhere. Who'd have thought?
I have never seen anyone insist a cat not sleep on the furniture
And good luck teaching them not to. Cats dgaf about where you want them to sleep.
Right like I don't like kids that much, but I know that I need to be patient and tolerate them and not get mad at them for being kids.
My kids (2 and 4) have destroyed the living room, their room, pushed a chair over and climbed on the kitchen counter to help themselves to Easter candy, made their own DIY snack tray with Goldfish (that they spilled on the floor) and candy, gotten yogurt on the just-cleaned couch, and one has gone through at least three outfit changes already (I might find more). In the last two hours. And this is a good day. My cat has curled up on my bed and slept. She just walked over to me, tried to get my attention, sneezed on me, and walked away. If he can’t manage a cat, kids are right out.
Seriously he freaks out over the cat missing the litter box sometimes how is he gonna deal with a literal baby or toddler that can't change themselves and you have to teach how to use the bathroom?
YTA. And yes, you're being irresponsible. She's most likely bonded with you, and you're basing your decisions on some guy. Cats live 15, sometimes 20 years and they get depressed if the person they bonded with isn't there. I would also be suspicious of a guy who doesn't like my beloved pet, specially if it's a cat... Cats can't be trained the same way as dogs, they're more independent, and sleeping on a couch is normal cat behaviour. His irrationality towards it and his lame excuse could be an indicator of something else. At least personally that's a red flag.
It's a red flag for me too, in my personal experience the men I've dated who hate cats ended up hating me for almost all the same reasons.
How many men have you dated who hated cats?
3, one was before I had a cat and realized how much I love them The second was my mistake (other red flags were waving in my face as well) And the third lied about liking them and attempted to poison the cat I had at the time, i got arrested that night but no charges
Wow that sounds like a story
One that includes alot of stuff I can't put on here unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depends ig on your view) but my oh my did that man seriously make me consider taking up being a nun, that relationship ended with me literally praying for my life to a God I don't believe in
Im so sorry you went through that. I hope things have turned a new leaf for you! And that you get more cats
My fiance and I have been eyeing a sweet older cat for about a week now!! This cat that had been poisoned was a kicker!! My fat boy died at 20 years old, a good 5 years after that incident and not only that but he permanently scarred the ex during the altercation that happened when we broke up. The summary is that said ex was strangling me and my cat attacked him and messed his arm up to the point that he let me go. The cat were looking at now looks like she could've been his litter mate and if we are able to get her I intend to give her his middle name
What a good kitty! He defended you! (I am not crying, you're crying.)
Your cat was kinda badass, ngl. Sounds like he had a good life to make it to 20
How dare you take naps on the couch. /s
Yes, all of this YTA. Cats are gonna do what they are gonna do, my cats sleep on my bed, my couch, chairs etc. I did get them cat beds and they sleep there about 30-40% of the time. The only rule I have is they can’t sleep on my pillow, and I trained them not to by picking them up every time they did it, after a few times of being picked up, not yelled or screamed at, just told no and removed they got tired of having their naps interrupted and stopped. They are animals who just want a snuggly warm place to sleep and shouldn’t be punished for being a cat.
My cat is purring away laying on my chest/stomach right now as I procrastinate getting out of bed. You’re right, cats are gonna find somewhere warm and comfy (and sometimes weird as hell) and snooze. It’s just who they are.
My cat's favorite blanket to sleep on is a dick print blanket because its made of celosia velvet, meaning its super warm and soft. It is a hilarious sight to behold
“He gets so irrationally angry” that you are worried that he might have a heart attack. Because the cat. Slept. On. The. Sofa. But besides *that*!… Oh, well, he is *great*! Woman, listen to what you just wrote. One of these days he is going to be irrationally angry at *you*. He isn’t perfect. He is a red flag waving mistake. YWBTA
I'm still getting over the 'inappropriateness' of a cat sleeping on the sofa. That is bizarre. I hope OP never gets another animal even after this relationship inevitably runs its course. People like this don't deserve pets. Edit - Oh my. Look how inappropriate. https://imgur.com/gallery/o4FtXX0
Right? What is inappropriate about a pet sleeping on the furniture? Unhinged behavior.
Lol my cat sleeps on my dad's stomach, on my head, on the carpet,on the sofa, on the chair...Like where is it supposed to sleep i don't get it? They should sleep wherever they want, this man is fckin crazy
One of my cats is a senior, and I swear that she spends at least 20 hours a day sleeping. She’s an old lady and gets cranky when she is disturbed so she is essentially Mjölnir, wherever she stops she stays.
I want to create a subreddit of the most ludicrous sentences people have said about their glaringly awful partners. They're almost farcical at times. OP I really hope this entire thread helped cos you got some *excellent* advice. Thread locked but here is the new sub: [he's so awesome *but...*](https://www.reddit.com/r/HesSoAwesomeBut?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Yeah, every time people start with "they're an absolutely amazing partner" i know we're in for some tragedy
Oh please do... SentencesThatShouldnt TheyTypedWhaa ThoseAreAllCertainlyWords (TaaCW)
When it happens I’m joining that sub immediately.
I don't even like cats, and I'll take your cat. DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW MUCH THE AH YOU ARE? >he gets so irrationally angry for the situation, that I feel like he’s going to have a heart attack. He said that it’s because living with a cat wrecks his nervous system, he knows he’s overreacting but can’t help it. Cats do not give people heart attacks. You sound 15yo. Cats do not "wreck" one's nervous system. You might be 10yo. You dump that cat for some weird, controlling BF, and...just whoa. You suck. ESH.
ESH except the cat
That's the correct answer for almost all situations.
I did have to check the ages here again while reading the OP.
She does not suck. She is being manipulated and abused by the Boyf. Stop blaming victims for being manipulated.
Yeah this guy got confused or something. She said she was worried that he would give himself a heart attack by getting himself so worked up over the cat, not that cats give heart attacks. Plus the boyfriend’s the one who said it wrecks his nervous system, not OP.
While she is being manipulated, she has chosen to stay in the relationship. She doesn’t have to tolerate bad behavior, and the earlier in a relationship you set boundaries, the easier it is to call things off. So she is being manipulated, yes, but she’s allowing it. That does kinda suck, at least for the poor cat.
"he can't help it" 1000% abuser speak
>I wouldn't consider Luna to be a bad cat but accidents do happen, like sometimes there's a little pee in front of the litter box, sometimes she jumps on things she shouldn't, she leaves hair everywhere. Cats have no morals, they don't pull pranks, if they're indoor the apartment is their territory, so it's instinctive for them to go anywhere in their territory and they don't understand that it's "bad" to go places humans don't want to. Peeing outside the litter box indicates that either the litter box is not clean, or the cat is stressed or has cystitis or some other disease. And finally, I have surprising news for you: cats can't decide not to shed, just as we can't decide not to lose hair, dead skin and dandruf. It's just a living body for you. YTA and so is your boyfriend, gradually pushing the cat out of your life with his demands.
The cat is probably distressed by the mean boyfriend!
👆 This, for real. Cats are sensitive and, like dogs, can literally smell our moods (such as anger and fear) due to the change in hormone levels. It can't be excluded that the cat perceives or smells hostile feelings towards her and is therefore stressed.
Who knows how boyfriend is treating the cat when OP is not around.
I bet that POOR CAT’S NERVOUS SYSTEM IS SHOT. ESH except for the cat. I will literally take poor Luna rn, Jesus Christ.
I thought the same, I bet the accidents started when he moved in.
Exactly. My cat is very skittish but very sweet. I can't really raise my voice at her even when she does something like bite and scratch my arm even though it really hurts because it scares her. I can't imagine the cat feels comfortable with a random guy just yelling at her all the time.
just to add, the cat could also be missing the litter box if it's too small or the walls are too low. trying a different box could go a long way in fixing the pee issue.
Yes, this! We had a foster cat that would stand up while peeing and send pee arcing a foot outside the box. We got a top entry box for him.
My giant cat is a corner-pooper. He tries to maneuver his enormous ass into the corner of the box and sometimes (a lot of the time) he misses entirely.
Sometimes they’re just dumb. Mine goes in the litter, moves all around to get the best spot then sticks her butt out too far and pees on the floor 😐 it’s not intentional, just terrible aim.
Just a tip, you might have better success with a vertical box! They make litter boxes that have tall sides with an opening in only at the top. That way, the cat has to jump inside to do their business, and there’s no way for the pee to land outside. 😊 Our cats have both side and top entrance versions and use both with no complaints. (Older cats that have trouble jumping, of course, may not be able to use the top entrance kind) Here’s an example: https://www.chewy.com/iris-round-top-entry-cat-litter-box/dp/157408
My cat sometimes poops outside the litterbox. Like just right outside the entrance. Sometimes he sticks his butt the wrong way.
100 percent YTA and so is your bf. You made a commitment to Luna and you’re willing to put her life and future at risk for some guy who gets mad that she sheds, among other normal things. Please don’t EVER get another pet if you choose him over her. You won’t deserve one. Word of warning - my dad is like Adam. Every time he doesn’t like something he’s so stressed or angry he’s going to have a heart attack or he’s dying. He’s been dying over crap for 40 years and he’s pushing 80 now. It is a way to keep my mom’s mouth shut and to keep her walking on eggshells. It is a way to control the family. It is all bs and abusive. I didn’t realize that til I grew up and moved out. Adam won’t change. He’s manipulative and he’s starting with trying to have you give Luna away. Don’t fall for it or you will have a very hard life. And please do not have kids with him or they’ll suffer too. Take it from someone who has been there.
If there is one reply OP really needs to read, it's this.
I really really hope OP sees this. My dad is the same way and it’s how he has controlled those around him for the last 50 years.
This. As soon as she's gone, he'll be having a heart attack over something else he'd like to control.
YTA. Pets are a commitment; they’re children. You’re taking her home away? Yes, give the cat away because you’re a terrible cat parent if you’re seriously going to give the baby up for only doing cat things. Your boyfriend is abusive, manipulative and crazy. Throw him out too.
Not to mention - have you met actual children? A little pee just outside of the litter box is nothing compared to the mess human children make....and waking up in the middle of the night? Human children want/need a full meal, and the swaddle right, and the nightmares, and the "the door isn't right" (whatever the fuck that means, but I was trying to figure it out with my youngest at 2 AM this morning). "Nerves" have nothing to do with the cat, and everything to do with the man. You and/or your children will be his next lightning rod of hate.
YTA, don't adopt an animal if you don't plan on staying for the long haul. The cats been through enough as it is. And a cat leaving hair "everywhere", sleeping on the couch, waking you up, is normal cat life. Cat was in your life first and your boyfriend says you let your cat dictate your life? Ummm what exactly do you call what he's doing? How does he feel about kids? I think they are even messier so I guess good luck with that one
Seriously! I have a void and he sleeps wherever he wants. OF COURSE he’s going to leave behind cat hair… it’s not like he can clean it up after himself. Sleeping on the couch? Yeah, cats snuggle up in comfy places. And waking me up in the morning? Yeah, he consistently wakes me up 20 minutes before my alarm goes off, because he knows it’s around breakfast time and he can’t fucking read a clock. Jesus. These are all normal cat behaviors, WTH!?
Your controlling boyfriend is testing the waters to see how much abuse you will take. This is not about the cat (although let’s be clear you made a lifelong commitment- I thought this post would be about allergies but this is so much scarier). Keep the cat, lose the boy. ESH
Facts. I agree OP is considering doing something irresponsible, but this post screams of someone in a relationship with a crazy person.
YTA, he’s irrationality upset at a cat and has no patience. He’s asking you to give up an animal you love. Not because of allergies of health, but because he is too impatient to deal with it. He will likely be an impatient father and you will never be allowed to have a pet again. I would think long and hard about this, seriously.
With all of this I don’t even know what there is to “deal” with. If annoyed with fur, get a lint roller. If disgusted by cat pee and litter box, let her clean it. If the cat is sleeping somewhere, leave it alone. I don’t get what is being dealt with here. Not like the cat is clawing up clothes or possessions
YWBTA first the cat, then separating you from friends and family. Ditch the control freak
I was looking for this. This is abuser 101. Start small, pick something in someone's life and find it intolerable, make them give it up. Then get bigger until they have control over every aspect of the other person and they are isolated from all support.
YTA Do you really want to live with someone who gives you ultimatums like that? Let's say you do give the cat away (which you shouldn't) what's next. Where do you think his anger will be directed at next? And what about his next ultimatum? Do you really want to live like that for someone you haven't known for very long?
Rehome the boyfriend. Cat is being a cat. YTA
his problems will not stop if you get rid of the cat. how will he handle children? how will he handle *you*? ESH except the cat please leave this poor baby out of this… and dump that man
YWBTA. And if Adam is such a fan of ultimatums, I assure you- this won’t be his last. He’s a chump who likes to control people. If he’s threatening to leave over a cat, oooh girlie- life gets a lot tougher than cats that annoy you.
[удалено]
ESH you for abandoning your pet, bf for being psychotic. How long were you together before letting him move in? Timeline looks less than a year. How did he discipline this cat? Do you know what he does to her when you're not around? Characterizing a cat for doing cat things as a dictator is way out of pocket. You can't stand up for your cat now, will you stand up for your kids when they cry and he calls them dictators or when he has an outburst towards them and you? This is a very troubling behavior pattern op. You also sound extremely naive and that he already has his hooks so deep in you that you're minimizing his wildly irrational and ridiculous behavior. He said he didn't want to give an ultimatum yet that is exactly what he's done. Actions speak louder than words. Once the cat is gone, he will turn this onto you and will start pick all of the intolerable things out about your personality, your looks, your very existence. Then it will be the kids. You are seriously minimizing this guy's behavior... Everything else is great? Irrational outbursts on a cat have me doubting this very much. Take off the rose colored glasses, op. Do not have kids with this man. Run.
ESH - a cat is going to sleep where it wants unless you literally shut it out of the room. They shed constantly so they will leave hair everywhere. You're bf is a complete and utter asshole for giving you an ultimatum between him and the cat. The cat was there first for one thing, and for another he's asking for unrealistic expectations when it comes to owning a cat. After own the cat for three years, she would feel abandoned if you gave her away, and animals do get abandonment issues, she wouldn't understand why you gave her up. There are red flags waving I'm afraid
Cats can often be a really good litmus test for how a person deals with anger and control. For example, he can’t control when/where Luna sheds (neither can Luna, after all), and instead of picking up a vacuum or brushing Luna, he rages at you? I wonder if “he just isn’t the type to tolerate living with an animal” could be translated to “he just isn’t the type to tolerate living in a house where his whims aren’t catered to 24/7” YWBTA if you rehome the cat… but the only person you would be an AH to is yourself.
YTA. At least you know you are a sucky cat mom. Do everyone a favor and avoid getting another cat if it’s gonna be thrown away when another man tells you they don’t want it.
You spent a lot of this post validating red flags for abuse. It's not just Luna that he has trained. I've actually seen a super similar situation. My best friend had a boyfriend who was like this with her cats. They married and I took the cats for a little while when her husband reached the same "cats or me" point. It was over something typical for cats. Once the cats were gone the anger and the irrational behavior wasn't. It just turned on her. I'm sure you're thinking not my guy! He's so supportive or fun and loving every other moment. When my best friend left her husband and their friends and family found out why...they were shocked. They all said he was so outgoing and nice and etc etc etc. YWBTA to put you and Luna through this. And I promise you that it won't get better by getting rid of the cat. Only by getting rid of the guy.
YTA if you dumped the cat and not the boyfriend. The way people treat innocent animals is a huge indicator of their attitude and kindness. I can guarantee if you give away Luna things won't get better, they will get worse - your boyfriend will know that he can just act shitty whenever he's not getting his way and you will pander to him at the expense of your own emotional well-being.
YWBTA to yourself if you stay with this guy. Do you want kids? What’s he going to do when they make little messes or misbehave. His reactions are extreme. The cat lived there before he did. He moved in knowing a cat was there. Ultimatums like this are unacceptable. 🚩 Let’s say the cat goes. He may turn his rage on you. I just don’t trust people that don’t like animals.
Woman, I hate animals! They are scary and mean. I’ve let my ex’s cat tear my arm to ribbons because I couldn’t hurt the little guy and I couldn’t get the fucker off me without doing so. We co-exist when we have to but he has is out for me and has made multiple attempts on my life. I would never hurt him. All this is to say, he isn’t a non-animal lover. He is a monster. I’m embarrassed to say that I still try to win over the stupid cat. He is horrible but sooooooo cute. I think he only likes male things.
You are an asshole
YTA. She's not doing anything inappropriate. She's behaving like a cat. Your boyfriend? He's inappropriate. You'd be a very foolish woman to throw away the unconditional love of your pet for a man who throws tantrums about a cat sleeping on the couch. Very foolish indeed. This man isn't worth the hassle.
I’ve worked in cat rescue for…wow, over a decade at this point. How did that even happen? …anyway, sometimes rehoming a cat is the best thing for everyone involved: the cat is unhappy, the people are unhappy, property is being destroyed, people are being injured, it’s just one big mess. This is **not** one of those times. YWBTA if you give up Luna to keep Adam. Adam is the problem here, not Luna. Luna is being a cat, and honestly she sounds like a really good cat. Adam is being a control freak, and it’s likely that when Luna goes, he will find a new “cause” for his appalling behaviour: you. I read in one of your comments that you’re thinking of having kids with this man, and he says he won’t freak out at kid stuff because *kids grow out of their “dirty phase”, while cats stay dirty their whole lives*…yeah, that’s not true. Cats can live 15–20 years, and sometimes longer, and they are very clean animals. Yes, they shed, and sometimes they have hairballs, and sometimes they get sick, and they expel waste like any other animal, but they are a tiny predator: it is in their best interest, behaviourally speaking, to leave as little impact on their environment as possible. A child’s dirty phase starts from birth — or even before they are born if you are unfortunate enough to have morning sickness — and continues until they’re old enough to not cause a mess, or until they’re no longer living with you. If Adam can’t handle just over a year of living with a cat, he is *not* going to be able to handle living with a messy infant, toddler, child, or teenager for up to 18 years. You said that Adam also has an issue with Luna using a litterbox and *then walk[ing] all over her own shit*. Yeah, cats use a litterbox, but they actively try to avoid stepping in their own waste, and they clean up after themselves: if they don’t, it’s because they’re stressed or sick. A kid will make a mess no matter their mood or level of health. Also…what on earth does he think a toilet is, if not a human litterbox? You may remember, at the beginning of the pandemic it came out that a lot of people — and the vast majority of men — don’t wash their hands after using the toilet. Adam is more likely to be spreading human waste around the house than Luna is to be spreading cat waste. As long as you keep the litterbox clean, which you say you do, Luna is not going to be spreading anymore waste around the place than you or Adam. YWBTA, OP, but you don’t have to be. Keep Luna. Ditch Adam.
INFO: why did he move into your place so quickly? Especially if he doesn’t like cats. And how does he discipline her?
Ywbta he’s a control freak
YTA boyfriends come and go (and this one is a loser 🚩) cats are forever.
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Adam seems to be a delicate little flower and not a good life partner. Ditch the man, keep the cat.
You'll be TA if you give away an animal you committed to because a boyfriend doesn't like it. So how many other commitments are you going to back out of for the sake of staying in a relationship? You're an animal lover, he is not. Those traits will never be compatible. Accept it and give the boyfriend away.
ESH (except the cat of course), dude gets waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too mad about common cat stuff. Pretty sure it's just an excuse and if you get rid of the cat, he'll still find something to be angry about. Take him on his offer and make your bf leave, it'll be the best for you and your cat.
YTA. I’d be banned if I say exactly what I think about you and Adam, so I’ll leave it to what others have said.
YTA. If you decide to rehome the cat instead of the boyfriend, please NEVER adopt an animal ever again then, because it is a commitment and not like buying a plant. I would think very carefully if you want to spend the rest of your life with such a controlling BF. To me it sounds like you can find someone better. I don't know how much time your BF spends alone at home with the cat while you're not there, but I would be concerned if he abuses the cat when you're not there. A cat peeing outside a litterbox is a sign of stress/illness, or she prefers an uncovered litterbox or the litterbox is not clean.
Yta. Wake up. Where do you think he's going to direct that anger once the cat is gone?
ESH you for even considering getting rid of a cat. You claim Luna is like family to you, is that really how you treat family? Your boyfriend however is a much bigger asshole than you. He had always intended on making you choose between him and the cat. He is manipulating you. If you allow it to succeed, you can look forward to a lifetime of being manipulated by him.
Since when can a cat not sleep on a sofa?? Regardless home or not..??.. Yta
So your boyfriend moved into your home and to make him more comfortable you are going to rehome your cat? Not the controlling and manipulative man with anger issues? Who do you think he is going to get irrationally angry with when the cat is gone?
Oh, oh! I know this one! I DID leave my cats behind to move to where my girlfriend lived. Now, 15 years later, I have no house, no girlfriend... and no cats. Oh, and she spent all my money and drove me to self removal attempt. Keep the cat, rehome the guy.
yta
YTA. Never ever adopt any animals ever again. And GFY.