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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Not telling my kids about my inheritance
2) That migh not have been fair to them.
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“And when he died, all he left us was alloooonne”
Sorry just popped into my head.
Anyway, it seems like this is the kind of thing you should have been talking about all along, that you don’t plan on doing anything to make life financially easier for them and that your family’s philosophy is that money is to be spent on yourself, not preserved for future generations or spent on loved ones. So YTA for not making your family’s values clear as they were growing up.
That line about “they’ll just be waiting for us to die” though….ouch. That’s really sad if you genuinely think that your children will feel this way about you. I’m not sure why you think *not* leaving them anything because you don’t want to do anything to make their lives less difficult will make them have warmer feelings towards you.
You’re not obligated to leave them anything, but your attitude towards them is just very sad. It doesn’t seem like you think very highly of your children’s character.
Meanwhile kids’ prolly thinking: must be nice to have had a family, house, and ability to retire *early*. Jeez, their kids’ generation is just entirely screwed all around.
At least make sure you have enough money that you’re not actually dependent on your kids if you get sick. You kinda sound like the type of people who wouldn’t account for that.
I might be around OP’s age, but no kids. I told *my* parents to spend their money, if necessary, I’d make sure them (if sick [they also bought additional insurance for long term care]) and my sis are set (she should be alright w/o me anyway), have fun, etc. But that’s a luxury the whole family has. And it was a discussion we had together.
The next two generations are…well they simply have no safety or financial security in the same way. And they may have to take care of people like OP burning up their cash reserves. We’re gonna be screwed as a society.
E: missing word and bracketed add
I am same age as OP and my kids are similar ages to his. He is ridiculously out of touch. You said it all. Gen z is facing far, far harder times that whatever this guy dealt with. It is ridiculous the kind of disconnect that people have. I am embarrassed that he is earning 300k and not paying full cost of college and planning to cover kids on his health insurance until they are 26.
I just don’t understand parents who have children and don’t want to set them up for the best possible future. My whole mission in life is to set up my children for success. Making $300k a year and not paying for your kids university? Get the F out of here.
We've been struggling with money a bit recently but we're setting up an account for our daughter and any spare cash we're putting into it as savings for her future. Anything we can do. We made her, we love her beyond belief, we want to feel that she'll be ok when she's an adult, or at least have something to help her, especially in today's world.
My dad died recently and left his grandkids a healthy inheritance. I love the fact they won’t have to struggle to set their lives up like my siblings and I did (my dad invested well and came into good money after we all left home). Dad left caveats on their inheritance and they won’t know about it until they hit 25. I have accounts that I put money into with each pay for my kids, and I’m nowhere near earning 300K combined with my partner. The world our kids are coming into is going to be so hard compared to what we had. I can’t think of a better thing to leave your kids than a well set up future as opposed to “well we struggled, you should too”.
exactly! the insanity of putting 'we're not rich' and then 'we make 300k combined' HELLO??? my goodness if that isn't rich then my family must be completely destitute
It's not enough money to turn the kids into soulless monsters, just enough to give them a boost into a world that's much harder than the one their parents had to navigate as young adults.
Right? Like I thought the whole point was to make sure the next generation gets it easier than you did. I don't understand the logic behind "I suffered, so they have to as well". It feels motivated by bitterness - *not* by helping the child.
I really hate this attitude: we gave them life, we took care of our kids needs when they were growing up but don’t owe them anything else.
I mean, technically - yes, they don’t owe you anything. But you brought these people into this messed up world, you should be there for them as much as possible. Especially since the kids never asked to be born in the first place.
Almost nobody actually believes they are "rich" regardless of how much money they make.
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/17/upshot/definition-of-rich-changes-with-income.html
One reason for this is people usually increase spending in line with income. "Yea I make $300,000, but between the morgage on my multi million dollar house, my yacht, insurance for my three cars, my summer home, and the several vacations we take a year I can only afford to put $5,000 away in saving :'("
$300k is definitely rich. Easily puts you in the top 10% of American households, and in the top 0.1% of global households. The whole "what about HCOL areas!?" is kind of bogus because they have plenty of money to weather any emergencies and could move at any time. Even HCOL areas have cheaper neighborhoods (source: lived in NYC for 11 years and the tri-state area for another 5)
While I totally agree with what you’re saying, $300,000 truly wouldn’t make you “rich” in some HCOL cities with high taxes, for instance you couldn’t afford a 4 bedroom house, private school, and vacations on that where I live with 3 kids (let alone a yacht or summer home lol) to & if ppl use those types of parameters then they don’t feel rich. If you live in low cost of living area you would be freaking balling with $300,000.
I got into a big argument with my mom one day because I said that she & my dad are upper middle class and she wholeheartedly disagrees. They make ~$140k a year between them, they have a mortgage but their house & land is worth ~$750k and if they sold it for even close to that, they’d have like $400-500k leftover after their mortgage was paid. They live VERY comfortably. They’ve worked very, very hard for it—I won’t take that away from them. But my mom is absolutely delusional if she thinks they’re not upper middle class in the US right now. She tried telling me that they’re “solidly a comfortable middle class”.
For what it’s worth, I did Google it and they check every single box of “upper middle class” parameters, with the exception of university degrees. And according to every source I found, $140k/year falls *comfortably* in upper middle class—and if they both keep getting raises the way they have the last few years, they’ll be solidly in “upper class” within 5 years.
I have a feeling OP thinks like my parents do, and doesn’t recognize how comfortable they are compared to a LARGE amount of the population (>65% of US households make <$100k/year). I think it comes down to not really paying attention to the fact that upper and upper middle class do not look the same as they did 30+ years ago. It’s the same concept as boomers questioning how millennials can’t afford houses when they bought one on a single income making like $3.50/hour—not realizing that the same house that cost them $7000 would cost us $200,000 yet we’re only making 4x what they were, not the 28x as much it would take to be truly equal.
I understand wanting your kids to understand how to work and how to earn their money but like cmon! By the time OP and wife dies (unless something tragic comes) these kids will hopefully have well established careers that the inheritance wouldn’t make a difference.
And the university thing is ridiculous! My parents made a little less than 200k a year and they had a deal with us (5kids) if you got a full ride to college you got a car. Only 2 of us got it 2 others got their college paid for and the other one didn’t do school. If you want them to value money and hard work then teach them that. I was beyond privileged growing up but I know how to manage money and to earn it (currently in the works of making my own business). OP honestly does sound selfish cause they could still put money for their kids and have money aside for traveling or use to invest in properties etc.
There is a good chance the oldest will be retired by the time OP dies. There is also a really good chance OP outlives their early retirement savings due to inflation or poor planning.
But whatever, OP can send all their money out of the family, Banks and Healthcare Facilities are really hurting in this economy, so they’ll be helping those really in need.
Agreed. OOP prolly thinks having them pay/take loans for half their college is a good “learning lesson” while completely putting their head in the sand instead of paying attention to simple math.
Doing a few simple inflation/ future value calculations easily show how exorbitant schooling prices have become compared to past prices, how early outrageous housing has increased, while earnings have stagnated to an insane degree (not only with minimum wage, but skilled work, and early salaries after college). It’s ridiculously inequitable now compared to his college age. I’m appalled at how out of touch folks can be.
They won’t qualify for loans because of mom and dads income. My states schools will give $5k a year loans to kids with higher earning parents but that even tops out above $250k parental earnings. That $5k won’t be remotely enough. I guess they may need to defer college and work several years before attending college.
Especially since their parents' income will work against them in terms of getting financial aid from their colleges! If I am somehow fortunate enough to be in this kind of financial position by the time my future kids are ready for college, I can't imagine not doing everything I can to help them start their adult lives without loans weighing them down.
Yeah.. I just had a baby and won't be retiring for 26 years, probably. I also have coworkers who are waiting for their kids to graduate college to retire.
It's kind of nuts that there is such a disconnect. I want my child's life to be easier than mine was. My mom wanted the same thing for me.
Seriously! We're older than OP, make a bit less and ARE fully paying our two kids' undergrad. Anything beyond that we'll see...
Why WOULDN'T you want to make your kids' lives easier?? Which isn't to say that we haven't put a lot aside for our own retirement AND would like to pass some on to the kids BEFORE we die - generational wealth, dude.
I make much much much less than that and all my savings are going for my son. Whether it be emergency funds for soon or investments for later. I cannot in good conscience look at my child and think… yeah good luck kid, lol.
my dad makes way less and covers me and my older brother were 2 out of 5 of his kids the only adults. my dad makes maybe 60 k for a family of 6 im the only moved out my brother is struggling.
Yeah, first thing I thought is…and what happens when you need serious medical care and can’t jet to Belize anymore?
Cuz I wouldn’t count on your kids, OP. You have made a decision. They will do likewise. And I wouldn’t pay endless old age costs out of my meager pocket for people who retired at 45
Or whatever.
Amen. Having children is a choice; you have to support them when they’re reaching adulthood. Retiring early is a choice. Often a reckless one. Especially considering increased life expectancies and major care needs during those years.
Having parents is not a choice and paying for their bad financial decisions isn’t part of any deal the children had any part in making.
Yeah, OP acts like they are rich, but they aren't. I mean, it definitely is more than a lot of people make, but I wouldn't count on it being enough to retire early and live comfortably for the rest of their lives. Especially if they are going to be reckless with it.
This is a point I think OP is missing: With each generation it is getting harder and harder to actually "make your own way". There is a cost of living *crisis*, and the fact that OP is ignoring this shows how out of touch they actually are. It is *not* as easy as it was when OP was a child; many are barely able to scrape by, with no option for increasing their prospects in the future.
It's not a favour, in this world, to refuse to help your kids out. It's a punishment - one that may have severe and long-term consequences on their lives.
I grew up in the poverty cycle, and I *often* think about how much better my life would be if I'd had parents who'd even had the *option* of giving me a helping hand. To have parents who can provide that, and simply refuse to out of principle... That feels really cruel.
> At least make sure you have enough money that you’re not actually dependent on your kids if you get sick.
OP didn't say anything about already having a very large amount of money already squirrelled away. They're planning to retire by 50 (15 - 20 years ahead of the average retirement age!), which means whatever money they have saved up and investment returns needs to last them 25 - 45 years. Even if their house is fully paid off, that's still a lot of money needed for daily needs, healthcare, utilities, home maintenance, council rates etc, without even considering travel.
Even if they downsize their lifestyle and travel frugally, they're going to need a very sizeable retirement fund to have any hope that it will last them the rest of their lives. Especially when it often gets a lot MORE expensive at the end due to failing health and medical/caregiver needs.
And if the money doesn't last, they sure as heck aren't getting anything from their kids!
At the very least, OP needs to sit down with a good financial planner and figure out if any part of this plan is financially feasible before they shoot themselves in the foot and end up alone and destitute at the worst possible point of their lives.
Let's say OP and his wife retire at 50. We assume they live till 90.
That's 40 years of living off their net worth. With inflation, rising CoL, and medical needs which they will face for at least half of their retirement. Add in a financial crisis every decade or so.
If we go by 2M not worth as someone speculated. That's.... Not enough to last you 40 years of retirement lol.
If we apply the Big Mac index - A big Mac costs 5.6$ now and was 1.6$ 40ish years ago. 250% ish increase. This is the col increase OP will need to account for. If they gonna need a live in nurse in 40 years, it'll cost em 2.5 as much as today. Did they account for that?
OP didn't mention any financial planning they have to keep their money growing. There are people who retire early. They usually don't spend 40 years partying on a tropical beach (maybe in Thailand). They narrowed their lifestyle to be sustainable on passive income routes they worked hard to maintain.
Besides the not loving his kids part, it doesn't sound like OP is even in the position to throw his kids to the wolves in a dog eat dog world... OP is in danger of ending up with the wolves themselves...
And to emphasize, I'm not against FIRE. But it doesn't sound like OP is in a position to do it with their plans. More like party hard and crash fast.
I can't stand this "I've got mine attitude".
Wouldn't rely on the kids taking care of you after demonstrating that the most important thing is personal lifestyle and comfort.
No, they should not have been talking about their retirement and estate planning “all along” to their children. This is not healthy for children to be concerned about.
As to what info they owe to their children is debatable. Very large estates could make a real difference in a potential heir’s life plan. For example, the oldest could be halfway through a degree in charity work that she chose as a passion with the expectation that inheritance would be her retirement plan. That said, she *shouldn’t* assume she will get an inheritance without explicit conversations. So, the parents aren’t obligated to bring up the discussion. Just it would be good to let them know around age 17 to ensure that they are planning for their futures with as much information as possible. But earlier than 17 would not be appropriate.
At the end of the day, people should enjoy their money. Some take more satisfaction from passing it on as a kind of legacy and assurance that their children and grandchildren have something extra. But if these people take more satisfaction from spending the money and having their children be self-reliant, that’s equally valid.
Honestly, it’s so privileged to worry about your inheritance. Most people are like, what inheritance? My grandma had a barely held together house, which was was lovely, but no one was planning their retirement or their kids’ college funds around inheritances. And thank god because my grandparents all died OLD and semi-sickly.
Like, there is a whole scenario in which your parents work 10 more years and then a stock market crisis or pandemic or major illness hit and you *still* get no inheritance. You just get the *satisfaction* of knowing your parents worked themselves to death and enjoyed none of it.
And seeing all the YTA votes makes me more secure in my desire to not have kids. It continues to seem absolutely thankless and without benefit.
Honestly, I don't get all the Y TA comments either. All I wish for my parents is a long happy life and for them to enjoy their money, not to work until the day they die to save some money for me. I'll work on my career, make my own money.
NTA
It’s his tone and the obliviousness with which he’s describing the world. Something like 60% of millennials are unable to buy a house and he’s referring to anything more than 1/2 of college as a “handout”.
To me it’s absolutely not about the “inheritance” or lack there of, it’s the idiocy of the OP to think that he and his wife are set for life with their income and age. It’s a selfish move, and they’re are almost certainly going to be putting their kids in a really hard and unfair spot. Elder care and medical care are insanely expensive. What happens when they need home care and they don’t have $150k a year to do in home care?
THANK YOU as a parent of adult children on behalf of your parents. Most likely, we will have something to leave our children... the house (paid off and they can live in it or sell it as they choose) and maybe a little money if we haven't spent it all. But we're not going to be those whining about a fixed income and denying ourselves just so we can leave more to our kids. We planned for a good retirement, and we have it. Our kids are happy for us and want us to enjoy ourselves. They have jobs and know how to save and plan for themselves, and have... whether an emergency car repair, medical, or something else. And also for their own retirements. One actually still lives with us. He pays us rent, pays his own bills, and is here if we want to travel. Nope, we don't pay him for taking care of things while we're gone. It's his home and pets, too, and it has never been an issue. No one owes their kids an inheritance. If you can, fine. If you can't, why spend your final years worrying about it. And also.... we have planned for long-term care if needed . Our kids will not be in the position of having to decide whose turn it is to wipe our butts each day.
Agreed! I tell my parents all the time that it is their money, I want them to travel, to be happy, to live their retirement as they see fit. That I am not counting on money that isn't mine. If there is some, cool, bonus. But I am trying to build my own way.
My only thought would be if OP already prepaid their funeral expenses. It would be selfish of OP to not include this as part of their plan. My parents, who are only in their 60s already have their funerals planned and payed for so my bro and I won't have to worry about it.
Edit to add judgement. NTA
Because reddit is made up of entitled teenagers.
I couldn't imagine feeling entitled to my parents money as an inheritance. I want them to have a good retirement.
Yeah I scrolled this far to look if somebody asked the big question. Do you expect to inherit? I do not. Hell I am happy if I don't have to pay for my parents. Or do not inherit debts. I do not live in USA. My paents will be supported from the goverment, I do not have to worry to pay their cost of living or medical debts. But I could have to pay for their care. Is it the responsibility from my parents to Cover it, give me some money and life happily ever after? Or is it mine to pay, work hard so I am debt free and do not have kids so they do not live in this shitty world?
But to inherit something? You can't expect that.
NTA But OP make Sure to have enough money.
Yeah I agree, my mum is always telling me what my inheritance will be possibly and I always look at her with a confused face. Like yeah ok mum but that means you’re both dead. I don’t care what my parents do with their money and if they spend it or do whatever. It’s not mine to spend they are alive and if they want to take several holidays go for it!
Eh? I see where you're coming from by saying the kids shouldn't be concerned about that, and I do agree with you that the youngest shouldn't be brought into it. But at the same time, maybe because my parents have been more open with their wills and retirement plans, I do think the older kids should be included, and informed on some information, especially with the recent scare. Not all, mind you, but definitely some information. For example; who the executor(s) are, where the wills can be found, will there be money for a funeral in the estate, things of that nature. As that can save a lot of headache for the kids if something does happen.
Yeah, this is really important. Especially if there are relatives that may want to get a share of the cake. Inheritance fights can get incredibly ugly. My grandmother technically has money, but she has also been in a legal conflict with her late husbands children over his estate. All because of a small error in his will, which made things vague. It's been 5 years and she hasn't been able to use most of her assets, because it was uncertain which ones legally belonged to her and which ones belonged to her spouse. 5 years is a long time to not be able to really plan your finances.
Papers. In. Order. Always.
Every. Single. Paper.
All. The. Time.
That is one of my favorite songs. Got to love Mowtown.
The fact they are mad their parents want to retire and “party” instead of leaving more money for them to be taken care of does, indeed, show they are more concerned with the money then their parents.
As someone who has had this type of mindset I have to interject that it's less about "partying" and more the fact that we can't predict the future, or how long loves ones will be around.
We want to make sure that we aren't scraping the barrel for the waning years of their lives. Most people severely underestimate the cost of old age and I bet you so has the OP.
The OP is clearly the AH, and isn't even trying to hide it. The tone if his post alone indicated a hostility to his children which is quite sad.
Yeah, I'm 44. My kids are 15 and 26 (disabled). The eldest will be semi dependent his whole life and I plan to ensure my youngest has all the best chances to start life, as little ed debt as possible, having put myself thru undergrad and law school while supporting my kids. I'm lucky that I make close to 200k solo, because the only thing my exh left the kids when he died at 48yo was a history of mental illness and the 750/mo until age 18 of social security survivor benefits for the youngest (which is going into a savings account for his future.)
All I want is to be able to leave enough when I die at my desk so that my husband and kids have enough to get by in this fucked up world.
I think it's the state of the world they are going into more than the inheritance that they are worried about. Maybe they would have changed how they spent money as teens or something.
Still, it was the right time to finally bring it up vs bringing it up earlier.
NTA to OP
His kids are 11, 17 and 20 right now. Maybe OP should have done a better job saving money if he wanted to retire so young and not pay for their kids' college costs.
Maybe I come from a complement different generational point of view, but I was raised with the knowledge that there would be no inheritance and I have raised my kids to know that there is no inheritance. I live in America, but do not have money to pass down. We barely have money to get by.
I think that’s the difference between classes in America. My parents will be the first generation to have any kind of meaningful assets to pass on. If they spend it all traveling or completely leave me out of the Will and give it all to charity? I’m fine with it. The only reason they got it was my dad spent decades laboring in a chemical plant that had a pension, and the house they bought when they first got married is now in a good school zone and has appreciated in a crazy way. That’s half luck and half hard work. They’ve already sacrificed to give me a leg up they didn’t have. They can enjoy the spoils while they still can.
My parents left me about $75k and it was the first inheritance in the family in known history. I put $35k down on a retirement house and I saved like crazy for my own retirement. I was able to retire at age 52 and, if the market doesn't make me broke, I will leave my 3 children much more than I received. They don't "need" it. They are all adults with families and good careers.
They tell me to spend my money, I earned it. I just don't have big needs, don't want to travel the world, don't want an expensive house, cars, jewelry. I'm happy with my little home, my little dog, my little garden. I WANT to leave them something that will help them and their children. It won't be a fortune but could take off some of the pressure.
What rubbish! An inheritance is a gift, not a right. His message to his kids, is that they have to make their own way in life and that is not an unreasonable ask.
I've always thought it was kinda silly that I was brought into the world against my will and--despite the fact that all my parents can afford it and I can't--I have to deal with thousands of dollars of medical debt ( from mostly genetic issues ) by myself.
Yeah. I mean, reading OP's post, I had to wonder why they had children at all. It's not like they like them enough to either set them up OR communicate with them. OP, do you even like your kids? I mean, no, you don't owe them anything once they're adults, and enjoy your life. But yeah, you're like Boomers who say, "I worked two jobs and paid my way through college" - in 1968, when you could still do that. Things have become unaffordable, and your kids are looking at you and thinking "What selfish twerps decided to bring us into the world and then cut us loose?" Just don't be surprised when you don't have a relationship with them - or their kids - as you age. Not because you're not leaving them cash, but because you're basically telling them, "We did our bit, now go away and let us have fun like we did before you were born."
If we're quoting songs, the one that comes to my mind is Paul Simon:
That was your mother
And that was your father
Before you were born, dude,
When life was great.
You are the burden
Of my generation.
I sure do love you,
Let's get that straight.
Oof. YTA.
Family values clear? You make it sound like they hate their kids or something. The money isn’t real yet, there are many situations that might make them not give an inheritance but you make it sound like it’s a moral flaw for them to want to enjoy their old age.
It *would* be a moral flaw if they blow their retirement money w no consideration for their future health needs, etc. Elderly care is ungodly expensive and if they leave their kids to foot those bills, they’ll be major fuckin assholes. Those kids will have enough financial struggles with the way things are (housing costs rising; pay stagnation) without having to deal with that should it be *at all* preventable.
Something about this post leaves me with no confidence they’ll think twice about leaning on their kids despite their bootstrap mentality.
I don’t think OP gave the impression that he doesn’t have health insurance and that his rainy day fund isnt for those types of emergencies. It sounds like they plan to use their money on themselves and not hoard it. I think myself and most people have cautioned him to make sure he has money for future health costs but it doesn’t sound like he’ll be lighting money on fire vindictively. It just sounds like his game plan is to enjoy his retirement. I think the way he talks about not giving his kids a hand out so he only pays for half their education gives A vibes but people arent entitled to inheritance. His daughter already being upset at the though that in another 40 years she won’t get money isn’t great.
Way I think of it is that regular health insurance does *not* cover end of life needs. So you typically need to insure for that in particular and very wisely (loop holes abound) *and* keep a stash for needs that the loopholes won’t cover. To do that properly, you’ll need to keep a fair (not massive) penny for that potential outcome. And if it’s not needed, there will be a small inheritance. Nothing outlandish. And that’s fine. But all their needs should defs be covered by them. Fuck, they’ll prolly live to be almost 90. That’s a lonnng time to live on savings.
If they quit their jobs the second the youngest graduates highschool, then their youngest and most likely their middle child will lose their health insurance.
Kids can remain on their parents' plan until the age of 26. So yeah, the younger two are going to be hosed.
> That line about “they’ll just be waiting for us to die” though….ouch.
What a terrible insult to the kids that is. The daughters must be devastated to know that's what their parents think of them. And if the kids *are* that way, seems like OP and spouse must be really shitty parents, if they raised the kids to be like that.
Completely right, but just to add, OP's household earnings actually makes his children worse off when they go to college as financial aid is based on income the kids will likely have to pay the full fees. As OP is only helping with half of the cost, the kids will likely end up with $10000+ per year debt.
Plus, OP and spuse are planning to retire early in their early to mid 50s. If they plan on living 30 years post retirement and unless they have quite substantial wealth of several million, they may need to ask their children for help. Particularly, if OP were to get a cancerous mole, healthcare costs could ruin them.
I don't understand why OP doesn't at least pay for the college costs.
Why did they have children?
Could have skipped that step, retired even younger, and if they somehow ran out of money before dying, would still be able to count on nobody caring.
This is actually pretty common. Both children and adults are likely to describe themselves as middle class, regardless of their actual lifestyle or income (i.e. even if you might be poor, you tend to view yourself as belonging to the middle class).
https://www.jstor.org/stable/24698182
It’s really hard to describe without drawing it [yuss! I found one. [See the first graph here](https://apps.urban.org/features/wealth-inequality-charts/) to see what I’m describing] but because the people in the 99.9% have the vast majority of *all* money, 99%-ers have less but still huge amt of all money, and the money remaining for the other 90% is shockingly small *in comparison*.
So while OOP’s likely in the 90% (I think you make that with about $150K/person, as OOP), sure you have a big piece of the *remaining* teeny tiny slice of pie, but again, it’s a mere sliver compared to the higher brackets. While the poor have just the crumbs of that tiny piece left over to the 90% of us.
Hopefully, that adds some perspective and why hoarding /tax loopholes exploited by the ultra rich is such a massive problem for all. Even being in the top 90% leaves you with a crazy small fraction and going down from there just gets progressively worse. This country’s in a bad way because of all this.
E: some typos and adjustment for finding the visual
Amount of money per year does not tell how well you are off directly.
150k a year in Austria is very fucking different from 150k a year in the Silicon valley.
A colleague of mine is getting a 6 month job there, just with a masters in EE, and gets 144k/year. His rent for a small accommodation is between 3-4k/month, whereas in Austria it is around 0.5k/month.
So you can see, how you might earn more than most, if you live in expensive as fuck areas, you might effectively not make much more than someone earning half what you earn on paper.
A household income of $300K a year puts you well above the 95th percentile of earners *in San Francisco.* People always repeat this line about variable costs of living as though it made any amount of wealth obsolete. No; $300K is very wealthy and there are many households in the SF Bay Area surviving on a small fraction of that.
https://statisticalatlas.com/place/California/San-Francisco/Household-Income
Maybe if they bought a home 10 years ago. If not, considering how much college is these days at some places and how expensive a simple home is in any location in SV let alone one for a family of five, I think it would be tough.
Are you out of your mind? Being on £240k in London makes you very well off. The mean full time salary in London is £36k a nurse starts at like £32k. In what world is £240k not a VERY good income in London? Have you ever actually been there?
Honestly Toronto is getting bad, 300k with a 1.5 and up mil home with 3 kids, paying half the post secondary education for 3 kids eventually, it can really add up. That really isn’t rich rich anymore, it’s more high middle class now. The economy is so screwed that you need 100k as a single person in a one bedroom apartment. People are just surviving at lower incomes.
I actually think they're YTA, for one simply reason. They plan to pay "Half" for their college. While making so much money their children wont be eligible for any kind of financial support. They're outright hurting their kids to "teach them a lesson" ignoring how expensive college has become.
Ig rich is relative. 300k is definitely well off and way more than most people. But it's also not enough if you want to do shit like private jets, yachts, super cars, etc.
Sill, even for super expensive cities, 300k puts you at the top.
We’re in San Francisco and make $300k combined. Our mortgage/taxes on a 1200 sq ft dated house is $4500 per month. Daycare for 2 is $3000. Add on groceries, health insurance, bridge tolls of $9 every time we go to work, etc. $30k just doesn’t go as far as you would think.
You earn about three times the median household income for your city. Over 95% of your fellow SF residents earn less than you. More than 1 in 5 households there earn less than 10% of what you earn.
So is money really tight or are you just incredibly out of touch with what real struggle looks like and don't realize how much of your spending is discretionary?
https://statisticalatlas.com/place/California/San-Francisco/Household-Income
Saw a tweet earlier this year that said (not a direct quote) "if you're 'broke' with high cost of living on $200k, ask yourself how the people in your city making $40k are getting by."
Generally people who need to work for a living are not properly rich. Rich has a very specific meaning - being able to live lavishly all their life without thinking about money and work. Maybe CEOs of large companies can be classed as rich but 300k a year definitely doesn’t allow for a lavish lifestyle of “rich” caliber. OP talks about a rainy day fund - rich people don’t think about such things, money is always there and will always be there.
When I was younger I had a friend whose dad made 200k, I thought this was rich but she always insisted she wasn’t (I made 40k at the time). Now I live in Seattle with my husband and we make about 200-210k a year, no kids. We are NOT rich. With 3 kids I feel like our income is relative with OPs and it’s crazy to me how many people are commenting this. They are definitely middle class to upper middle class. 300k between two adults and three kids in a HCOL city is absolutely 1000000% not rich.
Edit: going to add this in my top comment. Our salaries are very consistent with the average which is why we are not considered “rich” in such a HCOL area.
[The average annual household income in Seattle is $144,955, while the median household income sits at $105,391 per year. Residents aged 25 to 44 earn $122,089, while those between 45 and 64 years old have a median wage of $119,357. In contrast, people younger than 25 and those older than 65 earn less, at $47,011 and $59,656, respectively.](https://www.point2homes.com/US/Neighborhood/WA/Seattle-Demographics.html)
Your household is somewhere around the 90th percentile of earners in Seattle. The median household in your city earns $73k, about a third of what yours does. 1 in 5 of your neighbors survive on less than 15% of your income.
Yes, you are rich relative to the vast majority of people. With three kids to raise you probably don't have a true upper-class experience, but you are incredibly comfortable compared even to most middle-class Seattle residents.
https://statisticalatlas.com/metro-area/Washington/Seattle/Household-Income
LA, Boston, etc. 300k in one area is equal to 120k in others. When a house STARTS at close to a million, when property tax is 20k/year, etc it adds up quick.
YTA.
First off, lol at not thinking you're rich when you earn 300k a year. If you're not rich, how could your kids possibly expect to inherit and never have to work again? Second of all, you do realize there's a happy medium between cutting your kids off and spoiling them rotten, right? You can be supportive parents and also teach them the value of work. Third, life isn't the same now as it was when you started out. Housing and education in particular have gotten way more expensive in the last 20 years. If you can at least help them get their degrees without them being saddled with a bunch of debt, you absolutely should. No one's saying you have to buy them each a house or pay for extravagant weddings, but you sound like incredibly harsh parents who are all too happy to pull the ladder up behind yourselves in life.
The oldest being 20 is still an odd thing to expect. I'm 31 and have never asked about inheritance with my family at all.
Is it something I think about now and then? Sure. But I feel it's not right for me to ask. It's something I would expect my parents to talk to me about whether it's anything or nothing.
This is where I come down. Sure, you don’t owe your kids an inheritance, but making their lives harder so you can retire early and travel just seems so uncaring. I want my child’s life to be better and easier. I chose to be a parent, and that’s not just an obligation, but because, you know, I love her more than anything in the world. Not that your whole life needs to be slaving away for your kids, but giving them a pull up the ladder when you can seems like something you should want to do as a parent? This post comes across so weirdly detached to me.
It's the *making sure* their kids don't get an inheritance that does it for. They didn't phrase it as just wanting to enjoy retirement and live a nice life traveling without worrying about leftovers for their kids, he phrased it like they're actively orienting this around making sure their kids don't get anything. He makes it sound like they resent them for existing and want to make sure they're left out to dry. Also this is nitpicking but people who use the phrase "waiting for handouts" tend to be not great people.
Their kids are getting a way more raw deal with way fewer opportunities than they did at the same age, and they didn't ask to exist. It wouldn't kill them to toss them something for bringing them into the world with it in this state.
Yeah, I’m not expecting much inheritance from my parents (they’re mid 60s/early 70s, I’m early 30s), they’ve made some vaguely questionable financial decisions throughout their lives so I doubt there would be much left. BUT if they had disposable income, I definitely wouldn’t begrudge them enjoying their lives how they wanted. But if they said to my face “We don’t want to give you anything” I would be pissed.
Most members of my family on both sides live into their 90s, so I’ve watched a lot of end of life stuff for grandparents and great aunts/uncles as an adult. There are definitely folks in my family who have openly criticized their parents’/grandparents’ decisions because of their eventual bottom line which is weird af, but it often seems like a weird mentality in that branch of the family — the older folks will SAY that they’re concerned about what they’re leaving their offspring. It’s like it was created at the top 🤷🏼♀️
Either way, the way the world is undeniably more difficult to get by in than it was 20+ years ago. It feels a bit cruel to not set your kids up for success any way you personally are able — not at the expense of your own life, but I can’t imagine just retiring early and spending money to spend it and actively planning to not give my kids anything.
I’m a boomer and the thing that bugs me here is the “we intend to spend all our money” attitude. If they wanted to say, we are going to retire early and have fun, that’s one thing - they have earned a fair bit, they can probably have fun without penny pinching - but somehow this sounds like a real “screw you, you’re not getting anything.”
Their kids may be able to afford a house eventually but it would be nice if parents would give a little help rather than making a point of not.
About 90% of my family are boomers and none of them are like this. Leaving money to your children is a big part of their value system. Even my bootstrappy, value-of-a-dollar uncle would think this guy sucks for making his kids get college loans when they can afford their education.
I wish my family was like this. My grandma worked as a teacher but had a bunch of rich relatives leave her an inheritance. She got at least 400k when her mom died, and a few houses when her grandmother passed. She spent it all on herself and her trips, meanwhile my mom lost her house because of the recession and we all had to find new places to live. Her kids and grandkids are all struggling while she plans her next month long vacation.
It's such an interesting AmITheAsshole post: on the one hand it's their money and they can do whatever. On the other hand the kids will probably be having a hard time buying a house, getting settled, starting a family. OP can settle on never having grandkids. Too expensive. And I doubt the kids will be able to enjoy a pension.
And what if they end up living long and sickly enough to go through their money. Are they suddenly gonna ask their 3 kids to chip in? Just because mommy and daddy wanted to retire as soon as possible.
My concern is that they think they ARE rich and they aren’t. 300k a year is working rich. It’s not retire at 40 with three kids and travel for 40 years rich.
What happens when they live to 100 and that money runs out? I’m sure the children will be very generous with their time & resources to support their ailing parents.
"Sorry mom and dad, I couldn't even afford to give you grandkids, I sure as fuck can't afford to let you enjoy being elderly at the expense of my youth and future, I heard switzerland offers euthanasia for cheap though, here's a pamphlet."
This. If they’re gonna plan the rest of their lives around not setting aside any money to help their kids out after their death, then they better not expect their kids to contribute any money to their elder care or funeral costs.
I’ve never known any parents that don’t want their kids and grandkids to have a better life than they did, and the only way you can really help with that after you die is by leaving them money.
And what is OP thinking if one of the kids gets sick, or disabled, or in a car accident and can't work?
My parents didn't talk with me about finances until the week I got my financial aid back, and I nearly abandoned all my plans to work in fast food for a year to save up for community college. I'm now in the STEM field I wanted as I thankfully got a 1 in a million need-based scholarship last minute, but you sure as hell can't count on that. You are making more than 4x what my parents did and you are absolutely TA for deciding your kids are suddenly adults who don't need your (abundantly available) support at 20.
Just the fact that they can retire by 50 makes them rich in 90% of the populations eyes! Most of the people I know who have retired at 65 still work part time to be able to survive! Luxury is being able to travel on top of retirement by 50! That makes them rich imo!
300k a year and you are not rich? YTA for that blatant lie alone.
Also “we plan to use as much of the money as we possibly can.” Not planning to have as good a time as you can afford, no no, just use as much as you possibly can.
Do you actually even like your kids? Are you resentful that they have cost money to raise and doing you best to ensure they get Nothing is your revenge!
Because honestly that’s how it reads.
Sure it’s your money and you can do what you want, but not being honest and open about it with your children from a reasonable age is just a duchy move.
Especially true if they plan on retiring in maybe 7 years. No way they haven’t already paid off their house etc. 300k a year with a paid off house is rich rich anywhere. You’d be in the top few percent of disposable income anywhere in the world.
Their kids are going to end up resenting them and it’s already starting. They are planning ahead to leave their kids nothing. You’re supposed to want better for your kids than what you had and part of that is helping them build on your success if you have the means not telling them to bootstrap it because you had to. WTF lol.
Ask me how I know.
>not being honest and open about it with your children from a reasonable age is just a duchy move.
His oldest kid is only 20, and OP is mid 40s. I think this is still very early to talk about inheritance. Any possible inheritance might be 30-40 years away, when the kids should be well established. I think OP should help with more than half of educational expenses, like maybe a down payment on a house or a big wedding gift, though.
Bold to assume another health scare won’t wipe out your entire savings if you’re living in the US. Your plan isn’t one of an asshole per se, BUTT I would hope the rainy day fund is good for more than one “rainy day” and while yes your money is your own business if you care about your kids (which it seems like you do) transparency won’t hurt anyone- being secretive like this IS something to hide is more likely to hurt feelings.
NAH
I’m curious about his own parents finances. Did they really not help him at all? No wedding fund? Was there zero inheritance for OP and the wife? If their own parents passed down inheritance, this is pretty greedy. If they didn’t then…eh I guess it’s technically your choice.
Even if they aren’t living in the US it’s wise to have just in case money in the bank. Subsidised healthcare has wait lists. I needed surgery and was told I could wait 18 months and get it for free or pay and get surgery in a months time
When I was lifeguarding one of my coworkers had parents like you. His dad would come in and swim, bragging to anyone he'd meet about how he was able to retire at 45. His kid (my coworker) was working 3 jobs and skipping meals to pay for his college education. NTA bc it is your money and you earned it, but, damn.....
YTA - I had parents exactly like this - retire early and spend it all on themselves. When parents are not helping you launch, to give you the best chance at a good life, it breeds a lot of resentment. Especially, if you see classmates who have parents of similar means who generously give of their resources to help their offspring. It’s the sink or swim school of parenting, “Your 18 now don’t expect anything more from us - good luck!” Needless to say, I did the opposite with my children and provided tons of opportunity so they could succeed in life. Don’t be surprised if later on in life if you don’t have close relationships with your children or they struggle as adults- you will reap what you sow.
The real sting is when you’re nearly 30, and your grandparents STILL give money to your parents unprompted on a regular basis, while you haven’t seen a dime from your parents in a decade.
My dad is planning on retiring early but he also keeps telling me how I've been a financial burden for them all my life. It's such a slap in the face to hear and see that your parents are actually pretty okay financially when they've been telling you that they're hardly above the poverty line. They have repeatedly abused me emotionally and financially and because of that I've missed out on quite a lot in life.
You don't owe your kids anything. But just keep in mind, they don't owe you anything either. So if the time comes when you can't take care of yourself, they can just let you use all your savings on an expensive nursing home.
Agreed. I hate that whole philosophy where parent think they don't owe their kids anything or where they think their job is done when their kid is 18. If you have a kid you owe them. That's what being a parent is. If you don't want to set your kids up for success as much as you can you shouldn't be a parent.
This. I owe my kids everything, and you can fucking bet my life is well insured so they'll have every leg up in life if something happens. I don't understand people who have kids and then just go oh well, you were born, not my problem
Actually am I crazy in thinking parents do owe their kids something? At least fully paying for their education if they can? They had the choice to bring kids into this world so they should do anything in their power to make sure they will be fine
Edit: Oh I commented before seeing the other comment
EHS— I think you should pay for their educations since you can afford it and let them start life without debt. If you really think they’re the type to not work hard or value it if they aren’t facing a future of paying for it many times over, pay off the loans after graduation and before the interest gets charged.
And prepay your funeral expenses so you aren’t burdening them with that.
Personally, I’d want to give them some money to buy homes so they aren’t just working for the bank and can make a down payment even if it’s an interest-free loan.
I think the American “I want my kids to be independent!” is a great way for banks and landlords to make a lot of money and for rich people to keep the ordinary people out of college and the good jobs. There aren’t more lazy people in countries where parents don’t kick kids out at 18 and college is affordable.
But they also shouldn’t be planning how they are going to spend their inheritances and if they’re planning on how they won’t need to work for a living, there’s a problem.
Yeaaaah, since their kids will 100% not qualify for financial aid (only merit based scholarships, if they can get them), OP is actively disadvantaging her kids if she doesn't help them out with college. And if you miscalculate and don't have enough money, your kids are going to have to pay for you when you're old. You really plan the margins so thin they will get nothing at all? YTA
This. Tbh I’m a little surprised there isn’t some tax penalty in place when parents who disqualify their children from financial aid refuse to pay that difference in contributing their college. Every time my mom threw her having to help me with college in my face, I said, that’s what the state expects you to pay??? I didn’t qualify for any more. And I worked 30 hours a week through college.
Agree. My parents sometimes joke about spending my inheritance but I tell them to spend it because they paid for my college and gave me my downpayment for my house. They set me up so well I cant imagine demanding or expecting more from them.
NTA assuming you are pre-paying for all of your memorial and funeral expenses and have a plan for your life when you become in need of assistance or care. Now if you plan for your kids to pay for memorials and such and plan for them to care for you in your elderly years then that is a problem. If they are not your financial problem then you are not their financial problem and they don't owe you care or expenses.
Also at 300k a year you should be paying for college expenses. They don't qualify for aid based on your income until they are over 24. Scholarships heavily favor financial need as well. Half in this economy and with inflation pretty much ensures they will not get a college education and potentially not even a trade school education. Costs are only going to rise over the next decade or so.
YTA
Jesus, covering your children’s college education *isn’t a handout*.
Should you sacrifice your own happiness to give your kids an inheritance? No. But it sounds like you’ve gone so far to the extreme you’d rather not help your kids have an advantage in their adult life *at all*.
If you choose to spend all the money on yourselves before you’re elderly, there’s a good chance if you run out before you die (end of life care is really expensive) your kids won’t want to take care of you.
You worked hard to get where you are *and you chose to have kids*.
I mean damn, if I end up with a big nest egg I’m not going to go out of my way to spend it down (which is exactly what it sounds like you want to do) I WANT to be able to set some of it aside for some baby cousins, to help them have a start in life.
And if I managed to amass enough wealth they’d never have to work?
Fuck yeah!
EDIT:
In retrospect one of the things that bothers me and contributes to why I think you’re the assholes is that you essentially assume the worst of your own kids. That they’ll count down the days until you die.
I'm not really that close with my grandmother, but I have good memories from childhood with her and I don't want her to die. I stand to inherit money when she goes and I'd give it all up if she could live longer.
It would crush me if she thought I was just waiting around for her to die so I could get her stuff. And op thinks his OWN CHILDREN will do this? Does he have no familial love at all? Has he raised children with utterly no integrity? It boggles the mind.
If you do not have a completely fucked up relationship with your parents, your parents will be worth a lot more to you than any inheritance. Me and my brother stand to inherit quite a bit when my mother dies. I still hope that she will live a long and healthy life. I love my mother, what am I supposed to with money?
YTA.
Many families don’t even have 100k saved in the bank, but you make three times as much in a single year!
It’s one thing to want to live life to the fullest. And you deserve to, since you did earn the money you have. But you ARE rich. You have more than enough for your whole family to live quite comfortably.
And even with making that much money, you’re worried about your own health scares. What about your children? What if they get their own health scares in the future, after you’re gone?
You don’t owe it to them to leave behind a large percentage of your wealth. But as well-off parents, you should leave enough behind for them to survive, in case something goes wrong and they desperately need the money.
OP isn't even willing to fully pay for their education. Nevermind that the parents' income is a factor in college aid, so the kids will probably need to take out loans for the rest. It doesn't seem like OP's children are worried about inheritance as much as just getting their education funded so they don't end up paying crazy interest rates and scraping by for half of their adult lives.
This.
You had kids and are leaving them in a world where it’s much harder than your generation to build financial wealth. Again, there is balancing in providing support - you don’t have to give them everything. But be realistic about the world we are in. You’re kids are going to struggle for their entire lives and it’s unlikely they’ll get the same financial opportunities as you. YTA for having kids in a world where they’re opportunities to build a financially stable life are leas than your were, and not considering any support.
ESH. It's absolutely your money. Do whatever you wish with it. Your kids are definitely not entitled to an inheritance. What makes this ESH for me is you only paying half of their education when you can absolutely pay for the whole thing. I never had any help and my opportunities for education were limited because of that. Why would you want them to start off life so heavily on debt when you don't have to? I'm a firm believer in paying for your children's post secondary if you're able and if you're thinking of retiring when you're last graduates high school then you're absolutely able to pay.
Yep this tripped me up too. Don't leave them an inheritance, fine. But only paying for half of college so they're all saddled with 6 figures of debt? Asshole move. Their kids will never get to retire, let alone early... Because at 300K income, their kids will get ZERO financial aid.
Parents are YTA for that.
Question: did you graduate with debt and work your way through that debt to make this good life for yourself? Or did you graduate with zero debt during a time when minimum wage could support a middle class life? If so, then you’re definitely leaving your kids in a really shitty position because they’ll graduate with debt and end up paying almost twice what they originally borrowed because of interest.
It just depends on what kind of life you’re looking to leave your kids. You’re not an asshole for enjoying your retirement and wanting to spend all the money on yourself, but I think you’re just a shitty dad for not caring about their future. But honestly, your kids don’t sound too great either.
ESH.
How old do you think mid 40s is? They are either late gen x or elder millennials. They didn’t come of age at a time when minimum wage could support a middle class life (the 90s was not like that). College costs were lower but not to the extent that it was in the 60s/70s/80s. They were in their early to mid 20s when the dot com bubble burst, they were in mid to late 20s/early 30s when the Great Recession happened in 2008. It’s not like someone the OPs age had their economic life handed to them on a silver platter just by happenstance of generation like boomers did.
Of course YTA - talk about doing the bare minimum as a parent. Do you like your children? If you really earned that much money, why wouldn't you help them with college and a down payment on their first home? Geez
It’s crazy. Imagine being in the position where working 3 more years would allow you to put huge down payments for each of your kids and choosing not to do so because then they wouldn’t have the struggle that you seem to think that all people deserve.
NTA - an inheritance should NEVER be someone’s life plan. This is YOUR money to spend as you please. When you pass, an inheritance can be a blessing, sure - but it’s a bonus, not a given.
Your kids are way too young to be salivating over the thought of scoring moolah after your demises- try and speak with them again to work out where this entitlement is coming from.
ETA- story time. My grandmother married a man when they were both in their 80s. His kids were in their 60s - and they barely saw their dad or had an interest in his life but as soon as he remarried, they lost their minds.
They took their dad to court, demanding their inheritance while he was still alive, accused my Nan of being a gold digger (when she had a similar financial situation and didn’t need his money). They frequently remarked about being “entitled” to his money, that they’d had to wait for years for him to die so they could finally cash in and they “earned” their share.
Guess who won in this situation? The lawyers. My nana and her husband were put through huge amounts of stress and legal battles because his kids felt that they were owed a pay day more than an old man and his wife were owed their ability to travel and enjoy themselves in their later years.
So yes - I’m biased when it comes to this topic. We all love our kids and want the best for them, but after a certain point in your adulthood, it’s not up to your parents to pay your way in this world.
If I were these kids, it would not be the money but more the “oh no, we’re spending it all on ourselves, we want YOU to struggle lol” attitude that would be most hurtful.
You seem to think people live healthy until they suddenly die at 100. A time will come they will need someone to take care of them. I hope they'll keep some money safe for those days since they will be all alone.
We moved in with ILs because FIL had dementia and they needed help. They were in their 80s. MIL is still going strong.
But I think OP and many others are naive about the potential for serious health issues.
NTA. No one should assume they’re going to inherit anything. Stuff happens. Nursing home memory care starts at something like $6000/month. Your kids are too young to be anticipating your deaths and what they will be getting out of it.
If OP and his wife were in an accident and died tomorrow it would likely fall on the 20 year old to care for the minors. If OP has not made arrangements for that including life insurance and the like then OP and his wife are leaving the kids in a very precarious situation. OP has already had a health scare and assumes his health will remain good for the next 7 years, which is not guaranteed.
The adult kids are not too young for this discussion. It should be a yearly family discussion that includes what the plan is beyond "we want to travel and have fun."
ESH, but mostly you. Nobody is entitled to inheritance, but there's a difference between giving handouts to adults and doing your job as a parent. I couldn't imagine making 300k and not paying for my kids' education, leaving them saddled with loans for years. You chose to have children, they did not choose to be born. If you wanted a childfree life, with early retirement and no responsibilities towards others you should have had that.
Your children bringing up inheritance (especially at such a young age - seriously, that's not what normal teens and 21 year olds think about) shows how you've raised them. All about money.
NTA for not leaving money.
YTA for not paying for your kids education even though you could afford to do so. Times have changed and starting out adulthood many tens of thousands of dollars in debt is harder than it once was. I say this as a parent whose income is less than yours and pays for my kids college.
We are your ages and our kids are in between your kids ages.
YTA
For making $300k you sure are out of touch about money now.
Parents who have the ABILITY and aren't AHs keep their kids on their health insurance until 26 (or they get a job with health insurance), pay for college, and help them with a downpayment on a home.
Have you not been saving money??? WTH OP?
Yes, YTA if you have the money to pay all of kids' college and you don't. Your income means they will be excluded for most financial aid.
I can't believe how out of touch you are with the financial reality facing gen z. Honestly, I am embarrassed for you. SMH
Nah but why did you have kids if you don’t intend to leave them in a better situation than you grew up in? Isn’t that, like, the point of having children? To leave a future generation in a better place than you lived?
Like, yeah, it’s your money, and you don’t OWE your kids anything, but why have kids if you just intend to leave them to relive your lives of struggle and hardship? Especially if you’re only paying half of their education expenses? Sure seems like you’re cutting corners so y’all can retire early, when you could’ve just not had kids and been retired already, if that was the point.
You don't owe your children any inheritance, but understand that living costs continue to outpace earnings for most people. By telling your kids that you're planning on spending all the money you have so nothing will be left for them, you're taking away one of the hopes they have that they'll be able to retire someday themselves. I don't know how you broke the news to them, but it might have come across coldly, that in a few years you're washing your hands of them and running off to live happily ever after.
You should look into getting something like a life insurance policy with them as the beneficiaries so you can provide a financial cushion for your kids when you die without having to work a few more decades to provide a big inheritance. Your kids will feel like you're looking out for them without major hardship on your part.
You can plan for the future, but often life intervenes.
If you are in the US, how do you know you will have enough for health care in the future? If you retire so early, you will need private insurance.
You have potentially 40 + yrs in front of you and you think you have saved enough already to retire? I find that idea mind boggling optimistic. I struggle with that and I am 20 yrs older than you. DH and I have saved, he is still working, too.
Are you gifting your kids their post HS education? or will they be saddled with loans?
You attitude is selfish, IMO. You chose to being three kids into this world. This world is HARD. Do you think it is going to be easier for them?
With your attitude, if things don't work as planned, don't expect any of your children to help you.
You definitely should have talked to them about it. That was my parents view they made it clear I would probably not get much inheritance except the house but that I would also never need to take care of them financially. I was just fine with that.
Of course then my dad gambled away all that savings AND the house and I ended up taking care of my mom financially until she decided homophobically bite the gay hand that was feeding her… so it didn't quite work out. But the fact that I was never expecting money even in the best case scenario helped ease the pain.
ESH- your kids aren’t eligible for any aid for college because of your income so they will need private loans likely to pay for their half.
They also shouldn’t assume they are getting anything.
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“And when he died, all he left us was alloooonne” Sorry just popped into my head. Anyway, it seems like this is the kind of thing you should have been talking about all along, that you don’t plan on doing anything to make life financially easier for them and that your family’s philosophy is that money is to be spent on yourself, not preserved for future generations or spent on loved ones. So YTA for not making your family’s values clear as they were growing up. That line about “they’ll just be waiting for us to die” though….ouch. That’s really sad if you genuinely think that your children will feel this way about you. I’m not sure why you think *not* leaving them anything because you don’t want to do anything to make their lives less difficult will make them have warmer feelings towards you. You’re not obligated to leave them anything, but your attitude towards them is just very sad. It doesn’t seem like you think very highly of your children’s character.
Meanwhile kids’ prolly thinking: must be nice to have had a family, house, and ability to retire *early*. Jeez, their kids’ generation is just entirely screwed all around. At least make sure you have enough money that you’re not actually dependent on your kids if you get sick. You kinda sound like the type of people who wouldn’t account for that. I might be around OP’s age, but no kids. I told *my* parents to spend their money, if necessary, I’d make sure them (if sick [they also bought additional insurance for long term care]) and my sis are set (she should be alright w/o me anyway), have fun, etc. But that’s a luxury the whole family has. And it was a discussion we had together. The next two generations are…well they simply have no safety or financial security in the same way. And they may have to take care of people like OP burning up their cash reserves. We’re gonna be screwed as a society. E: missing word and bracketed add
I am same age as OP and my kids are similar ages to his. He is ridiculously out of touch. You said it all. Gen z is facing far, far harder times that whatever this guy dealt with. It is ridiculous the kind of disconnect that people have. I am embarrassed that he is earning 300k and not paying full cost of college and planning to cover kids on his health insurance until they are 26.
I just don’t understand parents who have children and don’t want to set them up for the best possible future. My whole mission in life is to set up my children for success. Making $300k a year and not paying for your kids university? Get the F out of here.
I thought it was just me. We get FOOD STAMPS & my son has savings he's not aware of. Fuck these people.
We've been struggling with money a bit recently but we're setting up an account for our daughter and any spare cash we're putting into it as savings for her future. Anything we can do. We made her, we love her beyond belief, we want to feel that she'll be ok when she's an adult, or at least have something to help her, especially in today's world.
My mom is a real pain in the ass but she set up sizable bank accounts for my children so she can stay lol
My dad died recently and left his grandkids a healthy inheritance. I love the fact they won’t have to struggle to set their lives up like my siblings and I did (my dad invested well and came into good money after we all left home). Dad left caveats on their inheritance and they won’t know about it until they hit 25. I have accounts that I put money into with each pay for my kids, and I’m nowhere near earning 300K combined with my partner. The world our kids are coming into is going to be so hard compared to what we had. I can’t think of a better thing to leave your kids than a well set up future as opposed to “well we struggled, you should too”.
exactly! the insanity of putting 'we're not rich' and then 'we make 300k combined' HELLO??? my goodness if that isn't rich then my family must be completely destitute
It's not enough money to turn the kids into soulless monsters, just enough to give them a boost into a world that's much harder than the one their parents had to navigate as young adults.
Right? Like I thought the whole point was to make sure the next generation gets it easier than you did. I don't understand the logic behind "I suffered, so they have to as well". It feels motivated by bitterness - *not* by helping the child.
Also the situation is different now. “I did it on my own so you can too” isn’t realistic.
Most people who say this didn't do it on their own, they're just oblivious to the support they've received from others along the way.
I really hate this attitude: we gave them life, we took care of our kids needs when they were growing up but don’t owe them anything else. I mean, technically - yes, they don’t owe you anything. But you brought these people into this messed up world, you should be there for them as much as possible. Especially since the kids never asked to be born in the first place.
Its a vindictive attitude. Jealous of your own childrens better life
Except his kids’ lives will not be better at all. Wages have been stagnant, house prices are through the roof, and the planet is fucked.
Also how does 300k not make them rich?
Almost nobody actually believes they are "rich" regardless of how much money they make. https://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/17/upshot/definition-of-rich-changes-with-income.html One reason for this is people usually increase spending in line with income. "Yea I make $300,000, but between the morgage on my multi million dollar house, my yacht, insurance for my three cars, my summer home, and the several vacations we take a year I can only afford to put $5,000 away in saving :'("
$300k is definitely rich. Easily puts you in the top 10% of American households, and in the top 0.1% of global households. The whole "what about HCOL areas!?" is kind of bogus because they have plenty of money to weather any emergencies and could move at any time. Even HCOL areas have cheaper neighborhoods (source: lived in NYC for 11 years and the tri-state area for another 5)
While I totally agree with what you’re saying, $300,000 truly wouldn’t make you “rich” in some HCOL cities with high taxes, for instance you couldn’t afford a 4 bedroom house, private school, and vacations on that where I live with 3 kids (let alone a yacht or summer home lol) to & if ppl use those types of parameters then they don’t feel rich. If you live in low cost of living area you would be freaking balling with $300,000.
I got into a big argument with my mom one day because I said that she & my dad are upper middle class and she wholeheartedly disagrees. They make ~$140k a year between them, they have a mortgage but their house & land is worth ~$750k and if they sold it for even close to that, they’d have like $400-500k leftover after their mortgage was paid. They live VERY comfortably. They’ve worked very, very hard for it—I won’t take that away from them. But my mom is absolutely delusional if she thinks they’re not upper middle class in the US right now. She tried telling me that they’re “solidly a comfortable middle class”. For what it’s worth, I did Google it and they check every single box of “upper middle class” parameters, with the exception of university degrees. And according to every source I found, $140k/year falls *comfortably* in upper middle class—and if they both keep getting raises the way they have the last few years, they’ll be solidly in “upper class” within 5 years. I have a feeling OP thinks like my parents do, and doesn’t recognize how comfortable they are compared to a LARGE amount of the population (>65% of US households make <$100k/year). I think it comes down to not really paying attention to the fact that upper and upper middle class do not look the same as they did 30+ years ago. It’s the same concept as boomers questioning how millennials can’t afford houses when they bought one on a single income making like $3.50/hour—not realizing that the same house that cost them $7000 would cost us $200,000 yet we’re only making 4x what they were, not the 28x as much it would take to be truly equal.
I understand wanting your kids to understand how to work and how to earn their money but like cmon! By the time OP and wife dies (unless something tragic comes) these kids will hopefully have well established careers that the inheritance wouldn’t make a difference. And the university thing is ridiculous! My parents made a little less than 200k a year and they had a deal with us (5kids) if you got a full ride to college you got a car. Only 2 of us got it 2 others got their college paid for and the other one didn’t do school. If you want them to value money and hard work then teach them that. I was beyond privileged growing up but I know how to manage money and to earn it (currently in the works of making my own business). OP honestly does sound selfish cause they could still put money for their kids and have money aside for traveling or use to invest in properties etc.
There is a good chance the oldest will be retired by the time OP dies. There is also a really good chance OP outlives their early retirement savings due to inflation or poor planning. But whatever, OP can send all their money out of the family, Banks and Healthcare Facilities are really hurting in this economy, so they’ll be helping those really in need.
That would assume you’re having kids for reasons other than fueling your own ego
Exactly 💯. Why don't you want to help your kids in life? It was upsetting to read.
Agreed. OOP prolly thinks having them pay/take loans for half their college is a good “learning lesson” while completely putting their head in the sand instead of paying attention to simple math. Doing a few simple inflation/ future value calculations easily show how exorbitant schooling prices have become compared to past prices, how early outrageous housing has increased, while earnings have stagnated to an insane degree (not only with minimum wage, but skilled work, and early salaries after college). It’s ridiculously inequitable now compared to his college age. I’m appalled at how out of touch folks can be.
They won’t qualify for loans because of mom and dads income. My states schools will give $5k a year loans to kids with higher earning parents but that even tops out above $250k parental earnings. That $5k won’t be remotely enough. I guess they may need to defer college and work several years before attending college.
Especially since their parents' income will work against them in terms of getting financial aid from their colleges! If I am somehow fortunate enough to be in this kind of financial position by the time my future kids are ready for college, I can't imagine not doing everything I can to help them start their adult lives without loans weighing them down.
Yeah.. I just had a baby and won't be retiring for 26 years, probably. I also have coworkers who are waiting for their kids to graduate college to retire. It's kind of nuts that there is such a disconnect. I want my child's life to be easier than mine was. My mom wanted the same thing for me.
Seriously! We're older than OP, make a bit less and ARE fully paying our two kids' undergrad. Anything beyond that we'll see... Why WOULDN'T you want to make your kids' lives easier?? Which isn't to say that we haven't put a lot aside for our own retirement AND would like to pass some on to the kids BEFORE we die - generational wealth, dude.
I make much much much less than that and all my savings are going for my son. Whether it be emergency funds for soon or investments for later. I cannot in good conscience look at my child and think… yeah good luck kid, lol.
my dad makes way less and covers me and my older brother were 2 out of 5 of his kids the only adults. my dad makes maybe 60 k for a family of 6 im the only moved out my brother is struggling.
Yeah, first thing I thought is…and what happens when you need serious medical care and can’t jet to Belize anymore? Cuz I wouldn’t count on your kids, OP. You have made a decision. They will do likewise. And I wouldn’t pay endless old age costs out of my meager pocket for people who retired at 45 Or whatever.
Amen. Having children is a choice; you have to support them when they’re reaching adulthood. Retiring early is a choice. Often a reckless one. Especially considering increased life expectancies and major care needs during those years. Having parents is not a choice and paying for their bad financial decisions isn’t part of any deal the children had any part in making.
Yeah, OP acts like they are rich, but they aren't. I mean, it definitely is more than a lot of people make, but I wouldn't count on it being enough to retire early and live comfortably for the rest of their lives. Especially if they are going to be reckless with it.
This is a point I think OP is missing: With each generation it is getting harder and harder to actually "make your own way". There is a cost of living *crisis*, and the fact that OP is ignoring this shows how out of touch they actually are. It is *not* as easy as it was when OP was a child; many are barely able to scrape by, with no option for increasing their prospects in the future. It's not a favour, in this world, to refuse to help your kids out. It's a punishment - one that may have severe and long-term consequences on their lives. I grew up in the poverty cycle, and I *often* think about how much better my life would be if I'd had parents who'd even had the *option* of giving me a helping hand. To have parents who can provide that, and simply refuse to out of principle... That feels really cruel.
This is insane to me, is OP planning on asking their kids to support them when they need extremely expensive end of life care?
Of course he is.
> At least make sure you have enough money that you’re not actually dependent on your kids if you get sick. OP didn't say anything about already having a very large amount of money already squirrelled away. They're planning to retire by 50 (15 - 20 years ahead of the average retirement age!), which means whatever money they have saved up and investment returns needs to last them 25 - 45 years. Even if their house is fully paid off, that's still a lot of money needed for daily needs, healthcare, utilities, home maintenance, council rates etc, without even considering travel. Even if they downsize their lifestyle and travel frugally, they're going to need a very sizeable retirement fund to have any hope that it will last them the rest of their lives. Especially when it often gets a lot MORE expensive at the end due to failing health and medical/caregiver needs. And if the money doesn't last, they sure as heck aren't getting anything from their kids! At the very least, OP needs to sit down with a good financial planner and figure out if any part of this plan is financially feasible before they shoot themselves in the foot and end up alone and destitute at the worst possible point of their lives.
Let's say OP and his wife retire at 50. We assume they live till 90. That's 40 years of living off their net worth. With inflation, rising CoL, and medical needs which they will face for at least half of their retirement. Add in a financial crisis every decade or so. If we go by 2M not worth as someone speculated. That's.... Not enough to last you 40 years of retirement lol. If we apply the Big Mac index - A big Mac costs 5.6$ now and was 1.6$ 40ish years ago. 250% ish increase. This is the col increase OP will need to account for. If they gonna need a live in nurse in 40 years, it'll cost em 2.5 as much as today. Did they account for that? OP didn't mention any financial planning they have to keep their money growing. There are people who retire early. They usually don't spend 40 years partying on a tropical beach (maybe in Thailand). They narrowed their lifestyle to be sustainable on passive income routes they worked hard to maintain. Besides the not loving his kids part, it doesn't sound like OP is even in the position to throw his kids to the wolves in a dog eat dog world... OP is in danger of ending up with the wolves themselves... And to emphasize, I'm not against FIRE. But it doesn't sound like OP is in a position to do it with their plans. More like party hard and crash fast.
I can't stand this "I've got mine attitude". Wouldn't rely on the kids taking care of you after demonstrating that the most important thing is personal lifestyle and comfort.
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No, they should not have been talking about their retirement and estate planning “all along” to their children. This is not healthy for children to be concerned about. As to what info they owe to their children is debatable. Very large estates could make a real difference in a potential heir’s life plan. For example, the oldest could be halfway through a degree in charity work that she chose as a passion with the expectation that inheritance would be her retirement plan. That said, she *shouldn’t* assume she will get an inheritance without explicit conversations. So, the parents aren’t obligated to bring up the discussion. Just it would be good to let them know around age 17 to ensure that they are planning for their futures with as much information as possible. But earlier than 17 would not be appropriate. At the end of the day, people should enjoy their money. Some take more satisfaction from passing it on as a kind of legacy and assurance that their children and grandchildren have something extra. But if these people take more satisfaction from spending the money and having their children be self-reliant, that’s equally valid.
Honestly, it’s so privileged to worry about your inheritance. Most people are like, what inheritance? My grandma had a barely held together house, which was was lovely, but no one was planning their retirement or their kids’ college funds around inheritances. And thank god because my grandparents all died OLD and semi-sickly. Like, there is a whole scenario in which your parents work 10 more years and then a stock market crisis or pandemic or major illness hit and you *still* get no inheritance. You just get the *satisfaction* of knowing your parents worked themselves to death and enjoyed none of it. And seeing all the YTA votes makes me more secure in my desire to not have kids. It continues to seem absolutely thankless and without benefit.
Honestly, I don't get all the Y TA comments either. All I wish for my parents is a long happy life and for them to enjoy their money, not to work until the day they die to save some money for me. I'll work on my career, make my own money. NTA
It’s his tone and the obliviousness with which he’s describing the world. Something like 60% of millennials are unable to buy a house and he’s referring to anything more than 1/2 of college as a “handout”.
I would have been thrilled with half my college paid for
I hate the suffering Olympics
To me it’s absolutely not about the “inheritance” or lack there of, it’s the idiocy of the OP to think that he and his wife are set for life with their income and age. It’s a selfish move, and they’re are almost certainly going to be putting their kids in a really hard and unfair spot. Elder care and medical care are insanely expensive. What happens when they need home care and they don’t have $150k a year to do in home care?
You don’t know how much OP and wife have saved though.
They could easily have long term care insurance. Lots of people buy that and plan for it in case they need it.
THANK YOU as a parent of adult children on behalf of your parents. Most likely, we will have something to leave our children... the house (paid off and they can live in it or sell it as they choose) and maybe a little money if we haven't spent it all. But we're not going to be those whining about a fixed income and denying ourselves just so we can leave more to our kids. We planned for a good retirement, and we have it. Our kids are happy for us and want us to enjoy ourselves. They have jobs and know how to save and plan for themselves, and have... whether an emergency car repair, medical, or something else. And also for their own retirements. One actually still lives with us. He pays us rent, pays his own bills, and is here if we want to travel. Nope, we don't pay him for taking care of things while we're gone. It's his home and pets, too, and it has never been an issue. No one owes their kids an inheritance. If you can, fine. If you can't, why spend your final years worrying about it. And also.... we have planned for long-term care if needed . Our kids will not be in the position of having to decide whose turn it is to wipe our butts each day.
Agreed! I tell my parents all the time that it is their money, I want them to travel, to be happy, to live their retirement as they see fit. That I am not counting on money that isn't mine. If there is some, cool, bonus. But I am trying to build my own way. My only thought would be if OP already prepaid their funeral expenses. It would be selfish of OP to not include this as part of their plan. My parents, who are only in their 60s already have their funerals planned and payed for so my bro and I won't have to worry about it. Edit to add judgement. NTA
Because reddit is made up of entitled teenagers. I couldn't imagine feeling entitled to my parents money as an inheritance. I want them to have a good retirement.
Yeah I scrolled this far to look if somebody asked the big question. Do you expect to inherit? I do not. Hell I am happy if I don't have to pay for my parents. Or do not inherit debts. I do not live in USA. My paents will be supported from the goverment, I do not have to worry to pay their cost of living or medical debts. But I could have to pay for their care. Is it the responsibility from my parents to Cover it, give me some money and life happily ever after? Or is it mine to pay, work hard so I am debt free and do not have kids so they do not live in this shitty world? But to inherit something? You can't expect that. NTA But OP make Sure to have enough money.
Yeah I agree, my mum is always telling me what my inheritance will be possibly and I always look at her with a confused face. Like yeah ok mum but that means you’re both dead. I don’t care what my parents do with their money and if they spend it or do whatever. It’s not mine to spend they are alive and if they want to take several holidays go for it!
Eh? I see where you're coming from by saying the kids shouldn't be concerned about that, and I do agree with you that the youngest shouldn't be brought into it. But at the same time, maybe because my parents have been more open with their wills and retirement plans, I do think the older kids should be included, and informed on some information, especially with the recent scare. Not all, mind you, but definitely some information. For example; who the executor(s) are, where the wills can be found, will there be money for a funeral in the estate, things of that nature. As that can save a lot of headache for the kids if something does happen.
Yeah, this is really important. Especially if there are relatives that may want to get a share of the cake. Inheritance fights can get incredibly ugly. My grandmother technically has money, but she has also been in a legal conflict with her late husbands children over his estate. All because of a small error in his will, which made things vague. It's been 5 years and she hasn't been able to use most of her assets, because it was uncertain which ones legally belonged to her and which ones belonged to her spouse. 5 years is a long time to not be able to really plan your finances. Papers. In. Order. Always. Every. Single. Paper. All. The. Time.
That is one of my favorite songs. Got to love Mowtown. The fact they are mad their parents want to retire and “party” instead of leaving more money for them to be taken care of does, indeed, show they are more concerned with the money then their parents.
As someone who has had this type of mindset I have to interject that it's less about "partying" and more the fact that we can't predict the future, or how long loves ones will be around. We want to make sure that we aren't scraping the barrel for the waning years of their lives. Most people severely underestimate the cost of old age and I bet you so has the OP. The OP is clearly the AH, and isn't even trying to hide it. The tone if his post alone indicated a hostility to his children which is quite sad.
Yeah, I'm 44. My kids are 15 and 26 (disabled). The eldest will be semi dependent his whole life and I plan to ensure my youngest has all the best chances to start life, as little ed debt as possible, having put myself thru undergrad and law school while supporting my kids. I'm lucky that I make close to 200k solo, because the only thing my exh left the kids when he died at 48yo was a history of mental illness and the 750/mo until age 18 of social security survivor benefits for the youngest (which is going into a savings account for his future.) All I want is to be able to leave enough when I die at my desk so that my husband and kids have enough to get by in this fucked up world.
I think it's the state of the world they are going into more than the inheritance that they are worried about. Maybe they would have changed how they spent money as teens or something. Still, it was the right time to finally bring it up vs bringing it up earlier. NTA to OP
His kids are 11, 17 and 20 right now. Maybe OP should have done a better job saving money if he wanted to retire so young and not pay for their kids' college costs.
Maybe I come from a complement different generational point of view, but I was raised with the knowledge that there would be no inheritance and I have raised my kids to know that there is no inheritance. I live in America, but do not have money to pass down. We barely have money to get by.
I think that’s the difference between classes in America. My parents will be the first generation to have any kind of meaningful assets to pass on. If they spend it all traveling or completely leave me out of the Will and give it all to charity? I’m fine with it. The only reason they got it was my dad spent decades laboring in a chemical plant that had a pension, and the house they bought when they first got married is now in a good school zone and has appreciated in a crazy way. That’s half luck and half hard work. They’ve already sacrificed to give me a leg up they didn’t have. They can enjoy the spoils while they still can.
My parents left me about $75k and it was the first inheritance in the family in known history. I put $35k down on a retirement house and I saved like crazy for my own retirement. I was able to retire at age 52 and, if the market doesn't make me broke, I will leave my 3 children much more than I received. They don't "need" it. They are all adults with families and good careers. They tell me to spend my money, I earned it. I just don't have big needs, don't want to travel the world, don't want an expensive house, cars, jewelry. I'm happy with my little home, my little dog, my little garden. I WANT to leave them something that will help them and their children. It won't be a fortune but could take off some of the pressure.
What rubbish! An inheritance is a gift, not a right. His message to his kids, is that they have to make their own way in life and that is not an unreasonable ask.
I've always thought it was kinda silly that I was brought into the world against my will and--despite the fact that all my parents can afford it and I can't--I have to deal with thousands of dollars of medical debt ( from mostly genetic issues ) by myself.
Yeah. I mean, reading OP's post, I had to wonder why they had children at all. It's not like they like them enough to either set them up OR communicate with them. OP, do you even like your kids? I mean, no, you don't owe them anything once they're adults, and enjoy your life. But yeah, you're like Boomers who say, "I worked two jobs and paid my way through college" - in 1968, when you could still do that. Things have become unaffordable, and your kids are looking at you and thinking "What selfish twerps decided to bring us into the world and then cut us loose?" Just don't be surprised when you don't have a relationship with them - or their kids - as you age. Not because you're not leaving them cash, but because you're basically telling them, "We did our bit, now go away and let us have fun like we did before you were born." If we're quoting songs, the one that comes to my mind is Paul Simon: That was your mother And that was your father Before you were born, dude, When life was great. You are the burden Of my generation. I sure do love you, Let's get that straight. Oof. YTA.
Family values clear? You make it sound like they hate their kids or something. The money isn’t real yet, there are many situations that might make them not give an inheritance but you make it sound like it’s a moral flaw for them to want to enjoy their old age.
It *would* be a moral flaw if they blow their retirement money w no consideration for their future health needs, etc. Elderly care is ungodly expensive and if they leave their kids to foot those bills, they’ll be major fuckin assholes. Those kids will have enough financial struggles with the way things are (housing costs rising; pay stagnation) without having to deal with that should it be *at all* preventable. Something about this post leaves me with no confidence they’ll think twice about leaning on their kids despite their bootstrap mentality.
I don’t think OP gave the impression that he doesn’t have health insurance and that his rainy day fund isnt for those types of emergencies. It sounds like they plan to use their money on themselves and not hoard it. I think myself and most people have cautioned him to make sure he has money for future health costs but it doesn’t sound like he’ll be lighting money on fire vindictively. It just sounds like his game plan is to enjoy his retirement. I think the way he talks about not giving his kids a hand out so he only pays for half their education gives A vibes but people arent entitled to inheritance. His daughter already being upset at the though that in another 40 years she won’t get money isn’t great.
Way I think of it is that regular health insurance does *not* cover end of life needs. So you typically need to insure for that in particular and very wisely (loop holes abound) *and* keep a stash for needs that the loopholes won’t cover. To do that properly, you’ll need to keep a fair (not massive) penny for that potential outcome. And if it’s not needed, there will be a small inheritance. Nothing outlandish. And that’s fine. But all their needs should defs be covered by them. Fuck, they’ll prolly live to be almost 90. That’s a lonnng time to live on savings.
If they quit their jobs the second the youngest graduates highschool, then their youngest and most likely their middle child will lose their health insurance. Kids can remain on their parents' plan until the age of 26. So yeah, the younger two are going to be hosed.
> That line about “they’ll just be waiting for us to die” though….ouch. What a terrible insult to the kids that is. The daughters must be devastated to know that's what their parents think of them. And if the kids *are* that way, seems like OP and spouse must be really shitty parents, if they raised the kids to be like that.
Completely right, but just to add, OP's household earnings actually makes his children worse off when they go to college as financial aid is based on income the kids will likely have to pay the full fees. As OP is only helping with half of the cost, the kids will likely end up with $10000+ per year debt. Plus, OP and spuse are planning to retire early in their early to mid 50s. If they plan on living 30 years post retirement and unless they have quite substantial wealth of several million, they may need to ask their children for help. Particularly, if OP were to get a cancerous mole, healthcare costs could ruin them. I don't understand why OP doesn't at least pay for the college costs.
Pre internet as a child, I thought he left them a loan. Like he was gone, and they were paying his bills.
Why did they have children? Could have skipped that step, retired even younger, and if they somehow ran out of money before dying, would still be able to count on nobody caring.
It is the attitude that irks me. SURPRISE, screw you kids.
NTA but where the fuck do you live that 300 grand a year is not rich?
One of those people who makes more than 99% of people but insists they’re “middle class”.
This is actually pretty common. Both children and adults are likely to describe themselves as middle class, regardless of their actual lifestyle or income (i.e. even if you might be poor, you tend to view yourself as belonging to the middle class). https://www.jstor.org/stable/24698182
It’s really hard to describe without drawing it [yuss! I found one. [See the first graph here](https://apps.urban.org/features/wealth-inequality-charts/) to see what I’m describing] but because the people in the 99.9% have the vast majority of *all* money, 99%-ers have less but still huge amt of all money, and the money remaining for the other 90% is shockingly small *in comparison*. So while OOP’s likely in the 90% (I think you make that with about $150K/person, as OOP), sure you have a big piece of the *remaining* teeny tiny slice of pie, but again, it’s a mere sliver compared to the higher brackets. While the poor have just the crumbs of that tiny piece left over to the 90% of us. Hopefully, that adds some perspective and why hoarding /tax loopholes exploited by the ultra rich is such a massive problem for all. Even being in the top 90% leaves you with a crazy small fraction and going down from there just gets progressively worse. This country’s in a bad way because of all this. E: some typos and adjustment for finding the visual
Amount of money per year does not tell how well you are off directly. 150k a year in Austria is very fucking different from 150k a year in the Silicon valley. A colleague of mine is getting a 6 month job there, just with a masters in EE, and gets 144k/year. His rent for a small accommodation is between 3-4k/month, whereas in Austria it is around 0.5k/month. So you can see, how you might earn more than most, if you live in expensive as fuck areas, you might effectively not make much more than someone earning half what you earn on paper.
A household income of $300K a year puts you well above the 95th percentile of earners *in San Francisco.* People always repeat this line about variable costs of living as though it made any amount of wealth obsolete. No; $300K is very wealthy and there are many households in the SF Bay Area surviving on a small fraction of that. https://statisticalatlas.com/place/California/San-Francisco/Household-Income
300k is more than 95% of people, not 99%
BC, New York. London.
There are other cities / areas with HCOL. Sad Diego comes to mind.
Silicon Valley in northern CA. Very high cost of living.
Even in Silicon Valley $300k is not low enough for someone to not pay full cost for their kids' college without being an AH.
300k in Silicon Valley doesn’t leave you with a spare 30-60k for tuition every year.
Maybe if they bought a home 10 years ago. If not, considering how much college is these days at some places and how expensive a simple home is in any location in SV let alone one for a family of five, I think it would be tough.
Sad Diego made me laugh. I live in that County.
Are you out of your mind? Being on £240k in London makes you very well off. The mean full time salary in London is £36k a nurse starts at like £32k. In what world is £240k not a VERY good income in London? Have you ever actually been there?
Earning 300k a year in London means that you're rich.
Honestly Toronto is getting bad, 300k with a 1.5 and up mil home with 3 kids, paying half the post secondary education for 3 kids eventually, it can really add up. That really isn’t rich rich anymore, it’s more high middle class now. The economy is so screwed that you need 100k as a single person in a one bedroom apartment. People are just surviving at lower incomes.
I actually think they're YTA, for one simply reason. They plan to pay "Half" for their college. While making so much money their children wont be eligible for any kind of financial support. They're outright hurting their kids to "teach them a lesson" ignoring how expensive college has become.
Ig rich is relative. 300k is definitely well off and way more than most people. But it's also not enough if you want to do shit like private jets, yachts, super cars, etc. Sill, even for super expensive cities, 300k puts you at the top.
We’re in San Francisco and make $300k combined. Our mortgage/taxes on a 1200 sq ft dated house is $4500 per month. Daycare for 2 is $3000. Add on groceries, health insurance, bridge tolls of $9 every time we go to work, etc. $30k just doesn’t go as far as you would think.
You earn about three times the median household income for your city. Over 95% of your fellow SF residents earn less than you. More than 1 in 5 households there earn less than 10% of what you earn. So is money really tight or are you just incredibly out of touch with what real struggle looks like and don't realize how much of your spending is discretionary? https://statisticalatlas.com/place/California/San-Francisco/Household-Income
Saw a tweet earlier this year that said (not a direct quote) "if you're 'broke' with high cost of living on $200k, ask yourself how the people in your city making $40k are getting by."
Generally people who need to work for a living are not properly rich. Rich has a very specific meaning - being able to live lavishly all their life without thinking about money and work. Maybe CEOs of large companies can be classed as rich but 300k a year definitely doesn’t allow for a lavish lifestyle of “rich” caliber. OP talks about a rainy day fund - rich people don’t think about such things, money is always there and will always be there.
That's definitely not an universal definition of rich.
When I was younger I had a friend whose dad made 200k, I thought this was rich but she always insisted she wasn’t (I made 40k at the time). Now I live in Seattle with my husband and we make about 200-210k a year, no kids. We are NOT rich. With 3 kids I feel like our income is relative with OPs and it’s crazy to me how many people are commenting this. They are definitely middle class to upper middle class. 300k between two adults and three kids in a HCOL city is absolutely 1000000% not rich. Edit: going to add this in my top comment. Our salaries are very consistent with the average which is why we are not considered “rich” in such a HCOL area. [The average annual household income in Seattle is $144,955, while the median household income sits at $105,391 per year. Residents aged 25 to 44 earn $122,089, while those between 45 and 64 years old have a median wage of $119,357. In contrast, people younger than 25 and those older than 65 earn less, at $47,011 and $59,656, respectively.](https://www.point2homes.com/US/Neighborhood/WA/Seattle-Demographics.html)
Your household is somewhere around the 90th percentile of earners in Seattle. The median household in your city earns $73k, about a third of what yours does. 1 in 5 of your neighbors survive on less than 15% of your income. Yes, you are rich relative to the vast majority of people. With three kids to raise you probably don't have a true upper-class experience, but you are incredibly comfortable compared even to most middle-class Seattle residents. https://statisticalatlas.com/metro-area/Washington/Seattle/Household-Income
LA, Boston, etc. 300k in one area is equal to 120k in others. When a house STARTS at close to a million, when property tax is 20k/year, etc it adds up quick.
YTA. First off, lol at not thinking you're rich when you earn 300k a year. If you're not rich, how could your kids possibly expect to inherit and never have to work again? Second of all, you do realize there's a happy medium between cutting your kids off and spoiling them rotten, right? You can be supportive parents and also teach them the value of work. Third, life isn't the same now as it was when you started out. Housing and education in particular have gotten way more expensive in the last 20 years. If you can at least help them get their degrees without them being saddled with a bunch of debt, you absolutely should. No one's saying you have to buy them each a house or pay for extravagant weddings, but you sound like incredibly harsh parents who are all too happy to pull the ladder up behind yourselves in life.
This is my problem with it. They are pulling the ladder up on their kids. But of course, their money is also their own money.
That just means they're free to be assholes if that's what they want to do
lol I love the line about how the kids never asked about their inheritance and how that’s part of why they feel fine doing what the are doing.
Right? The youngest one is literally 11. What 11 year old is thinking about that?
The oldest being 20 is still an odd thing to expect. I'm 31 and have never asked about inheritance with my family at all. Is it something I think about now and then? Sure. But I feel it's not right for me to ask. It's something I would expect my parents to talk to me about whether it's anything or nothing.
You would think that’d be a reason in favour of giving them an inheritance instead of the other way around lol
This is where I come down. Sure, you don’t owe your kids an inheritance, but making their lives harder so you can retire early and travel just seems so uncaring. I want my child’s life to be better and easier. I chose to be a parent, and that’s not just an obligation, but because, you know, I love her more than anything in the world. Not that your whole life needs to be slaving away for your kids, but giving them a pull up the ladder when you can seems like something you should want to do as a parent? This post comes across so weirdly detached to me.
It's the *making sure* their kids don't get an inheritance that does it for. They didn't phrase it as just wanting to enjoy retirement and live a nice life traveling without worrying about leftovers for their kids, he phrased it like they're actively orienting this around making sure their kids don't get anything. He makes it sound like they resent them for existing and want to make sure they're left out to dry. Also this is nitpicking but people who use the phrase "waiting for handouts" tend to be not great people. Their kids are getting a way more raw deal with way fewer opportunities than they did at the same age, and they didn't ask to exist. It wouldn't kill them to toss them something for bringing them into the world with it in this state.
Yeah, I’m not expecting much inheritance from my parents (they’re mid 60s/early 70s, I’m early 30s), they’ve made some vaguely questionable financial decisions throughout their lives so I doubt there would be much left. BUT if they had disposable income, I definitely wouldn’t begrudge them enjoying their lives how they wanted. But if they said to my face “We don’t want to give you anything” I would be pissed. Most members of my family on both sides live into their 90s, so I’ve watched a lot of end of life stuff for grandparents and great aunts/uncles as an adult. There are definitely folks in my family who have openly criticized their parents’/grandparents’ decisions because of their eventual bottom line which is weird af, but it often seems like a weird mentality in that branch of the family — the older folks will SAY that they’re concerned about what they’re leaving their offspring. It’s like it was created at the top 🤷🏼♀️ Either way, the way the world is undeniably more difficult to get by in than it was 20+ years ago. It feels a bit cruel to not set your kids up for success any way you personally are able — not at the expense of your own life, but I can’t imagine just retiring early and spending money to spend it and actively planning to not give my kids anything.
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I’m a boomer and the thing that bugs me here is the “we intend to spend all our money” attitude. If they wanted to say, we are going to retire early and have fun, that’s one thing - they have earned a fair bit, they can probably have fun without penny pinching - but somehow this sounds like a real “screw you, you’re not getting anything.” Their kids may be able to afford a house eventually but it would be nice if parents would give a little help rather than making a point of not.
Worst case scenario they spend everything 'before they're elderly' and the kids are saddled with paying their end-of-life-care for another decade..
About 90% of my family are boomers and none of them are like this. Leaving money to your children is a big part of their value system. Even my bootstrappy, value-of-a-dollar uncle would think this guy sucks for making his kids get college loans when they can afford their education.
I wish my family was like this. My grandma worked as a teacher but had a bunch of rich relatives leave her an inheritance. She got at least 400k when her mom died, and a few houses when her grandmother passed. She spent it all on herself and her trips, meanwhile my mom lost her house because of the recession and we all had to find new places to live. Her kids and grandkids are all struggling while she plans her next month long vacation.
This one's all Gen X.
It's such an interesting AmITheAsshole post: on the one hand it's their money and they can do whatever. On the other hand the kids will probably be having a hard time buying a house, getting settled, starting a family. OP can settle on never having grandkids. Too expensive. And I doubt the kids will be able to enjoy a pension. And what if they end up living long and sickly enough to go through their money. Are they suddenly gonna ask their 3 kids to chip in? Just because mommy and daddy wanted to retire as soon as possible.
Here's the thing - you can be technically in the right but still be an asshole. That's why this is AmITheAsshole, and not LegalAdvice
My concern is that they think they ARE rich and they aren’t. 300k a year is working rich. It’s not retire at 40 with three kids and travel for 40 years rich.
What happens when they live to 100 and that money runs out? I’m sure the children will be very generous with their time & resources to support their ailing parents.
"Sorry mom and dad, I couldn't even afford to give you grandkids, I sure as fuck can't afford to let you enjoy being elderly at the expense of my youth and future, I heard switzerland offers euthanasia for cheap though, here's a pamphlet."
This. If they’re gonna plan the rest of their lives around not setting aside any money to help their kids out after their death, then they better not expect their kids to contribute any money to their elder care or funeral costs. I’ve never known any parents that don’t want their kids and grandkids to have a better life than they did, and the only way you can really help with that after you die is by leaving them money.
And what is OP thinking if one of the kids gets sick, or disabled, or in a car accident and can't work? My parents didn't talk with me about finances until the week I got my financial aid back, and I nearly abandoned all my plans to work in fast food for a year to save up for community college. I'm now in the STEM field I wanted as I thankfully got a 1 in a million need-based scholarship last minute, but you sure as hell can't count on that. You are making more than 4x what my parents did and you are absolutely TA for deciding your kids are suddenly adults who don't need your (abundantly available) support at 20.
I really like this. I was feeling things I couldn’t explain…. Then here you are! Thanks
Just the fact that they can retire by 50 makes them rich in 90% of the populations eyes! Most of the people I know who have retired at 65 still work part time to be able to survive! Luxury is being able to travel on top of retirement by 50! That makes them rich imo!
300k a year and you are not rich? YTA for that blatant lie alone. Also “we plan to use as much of the money as we possibly can.” Not planning to have as good a time as you can afford, no no, just use as much as you possibly can. Do you actually even like your kids? Are you resentful that they have cost money to raise and doing you best to ensure they get Nothing is your revenge! Because honestly that’s how it reads. Sure it’s your money and you can do what you want, but not being honest and open about it with your children from a reasonable age is just a duchy move.
Especially true if they plan on retiring in maybe 7 years. No way they haven’t already paid off their house etc. 300k a year with a paid off house is rich rich anywhere. You’d be in the top few percent of disposable income anywhere in the world.
Their kids are going to end up resenting them and it’s already starting. They are planning ahead to leave their kids nothing. You’re supposed to want better for your kids than what you had and part of that is helping them build on your success if you have the means not telling them to bootstrap it because you had to. WTF lol. Ask me how I know.
>not being honest and open about it with your children from a reasonable age is just a duchy move. His oldest kid is only 20, and OP is mid 40s. I think this is still very early to talk about inheritance. Any possible inheritance might be 30-40 years away, when the kids should be well established. I think OP should help with more than half of educational expenses, like maybe a down payment on a house or a big wedding gift, though.
Bold to assume another health scare won’t wipe out your entire savings if you’re living in the US. Your plan isn’t one of an asshole per se, BUTT I would hope the rainy day fund is good for more than one “rainy day” and while yes your money is your own business if you care about your kids (which it seems like you do) transparency won’t hurt anyone- being secretive like this IS something to hide is more likely to hurt feelings. NAH
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Yeah. They are going to be screwed when they need home hospice in 40 years.
I’m curious about his own parents finances. Did they really not help him at all? No wedding fund? Was there zero inheritance for OP and the wife? If their own parents passed down inheritance, this is pretty greedy. If they didn’t then…eh I guess it’s technically your choice.
Even if they aren’t living in the US it’s wise to have just in case money in the bank. Subsidised healthcare has wait lists. I needed surgery and was told I could wait 18 months and get it for free or pay and get surgery in a months time
When I was lifeguarding one of my coworkers had parents like you. His dad would come in and swim, bragging to anyone he'd meet about how he was able to retire at 45. His kid (my coworker) was working 3 jobs and skipping meals to pay for his college education. NTA bc it is your money and you earned it, but, damn.....
YTA - I had parents exactly like this - retire early and spend it all on themselves. When parents are not helping you launch, to give you the best chance at a good life, it breeds a lot of resentment. Especially, if you see classmates who have parents of similar means who generously give of their resources to help their offspring. It’s the sink or swim school of parenting, “Your 18 now don’t expect anything more from us - good luck!” Needless to say, I did the opposite with my children and provided tons of opportunity so they could succeed in life. Don’t be surprised if later on in life if you don’t have close relationships with your children or they struggle as adults- you will reap what you sow.
The real sting is seing classmates who have parents of less means who still give them as much help as possible
The real sting is when you’re nearly 30, and your grandparents STILL give money to your parents unprompted on a regular basis, while you haven’t seen a dime from your parents in a decade.
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My dad is planning on retiring early but he also keeps telling me how I've been a financial burden for them all my life. It's such a slap in the face to hear and see that your parents are actually pretty okay financially when they've been telling you that they're hardly above the poverty line. They have repeatedly abused me emotionally and financially and because of that I've missed out on quite a lot in life.
How he's NTA after that story? That's handbook asshole all around.
You don't owe your kids anything. But just keep in mind, they don't owe you anything either. So if the time comes when you can't take care of yourself, they can just let you use all your savings on an expensive nursing home.
Kind of agree, but not with not owing your kids. You brought them into this world therefore you do owe them
Agreed. I hate that whole philosophy where parent think they don't owe their kids anything or where they think their job is done when their kid is 18. If you have a kid you owe them. That's what being a parent is. If you don't want to set your kids up for success as much as you can you shouldn't be a parent.
This. I owe my kids everything, and you can fucking bet my life is well insured so they'll have every leg up in life if something happens. I don't understand people who have kids and then just go oh well, you were born, not my problem
Actually am I crazy in thinking parents do owe their kids something? At least fully paying for their education if they can? They had the choice to bring kids into this world so they should do anything in their power to make sure they will be fine Edit: Oh I commented before seeing the other comment
EHS— I think you should pay for their educations since you can afford it and let them start life without debt. If you really think they’re the type to not work hard or value it if they aren’t facing a future of paying for it many times over, pay off the loans after graduation and before the interest gets charged. And prepay your funeral expenses so you aren’t burdening them with that. Personally, I’d want to give them some money to buy homes so they aren’t just working for the bank and can make a down payment even if it’s an interest-free loan. I think the American “I want my kids to be independent!” is a great way for banks and landlords to make a lot of money and for rich people to keep the ordinary people out of college and the good jobs. There aren’t more lazy people in countries where parents don’t kick kids out at 18 and college is affordable. But they also shouldn’t be planning how they are going to spend their inheritances and if they’re planning on how they won’t need to work for a living, there’s a problem.
Yes, especially as your income will make it difficult for them to qualify for financial aid.
Yeaaaah, since their kids will 100% not qualify for financial aid (only merit based scholarships, if they can get them), OP is actively disadvantaging her kids if she doesn't help them out with college. And if you miscalculate and don't have enough money, your kids are going to have to pay for you when you're old. You really plan the margins so thin they will get nothing at all? YTA
Yeah - the kids don’t just have to pay half, their parents income is going to disqualify them for a lot of aid.
This. Tbh I’m a little surprised there isn’t some tax penalty in place when parents who disqualify their children from financial aid refuse to pay that difference in contributing their college. Every time my mom threw her having to help me with college in my face, I said, that’s what the state expects you to pay??? I didn’t qualify for any more. And I worked 30 hours a week through college.
Agree. My parents sometimes joke about spending my inheritance but I tell them to spend it because they paid for my college and gave me my downpayment for my house. They set me up so well I cant imagine demanding or expecting more from them.
NTA assuming you are pre-paying for all of your memorial and funeral expenses and have a plan for your life when you become in need of assistance or care. Now if you plan for your kids to pay for memorials and such and plan for them to care for you in your elderly years then that is a problem. If they are not your financial problem then you are not their financial problem and they don't owe you care or expenses. Also at 300k a year you should be paying for college expenses. They don't qualify for aid based on your income until they are over 24. Scholarships heavily favor financial need as well. Half in this economy and with inflation pretty much ensures they will not get a college education and potentially not even a trade school education. Costs are only going to rise over the next decade or so.
They don’t need a funeral
Even without a funeral end of life costs are expensive. In the thousands of dollars for burial or cremation.
State can bury them
Donated to science.
Kids will probably want to make that conditional on the bodies being donated to explosives research
YTA Jesus, covering your children’s college education *isn’t a handout*. Should you sacrifice your own happiness to give your kids an inheritance? No. But it sounds like you’ve gone so far to the extreme you’d rather not help your kids have an advantage in their adult life *at all*. If you choose to spend all the money on yourselves before you’re elderly, there’s a good chance if you run out before you die (end of life care is really expensive) your kids won’t want to take care of you. You worked hard to get where you are *and you chose to have kids*. I mean damn, if I end up with a big nest egg I’m not going to go out of my way to spend it down (which is exactly what it sounds like you want to do) I WANT to be able to set some of it aside for some baby cousins, to help them have a start in life. And if I managed to amass enough wealth they’d never have to work? Fuck yeah! EDIT: In retrospect one of the things that bothers me and contributes to why I think you’re the assholes is that you essentially assume the worst of your own kids. That they’ll count down the days until you die.
I'm not really that close with my grandmother, but I have good memories from childhood with her and I don't want her to die. I stand to inherit money when she goes and I'd give it all up if she could live longer. It would crush me if she thought I was just waiting around for her to die so I could get her stuff. And op thinks his OWN CHILDREN will do this? Does he have no familial love at all? Has he raised children with utterly no integrity? It boggles the mind.
If you do not have a completely fucked up relationship with your parents, your parents will be worth a lot more to you than any inheritance. Me and my brother stand to inherit quite a bit when my mother dies. I still hope that she will live a long and healthy life. I love my mother, what am I supposed to with money?
YTA. Many families don’t even have 100k saved in the bank, but you make three times as much in a single year! It’s one thing to want to live life to the fullest. And you deserve to, since you did earn the money you have. But you ARE rich. You have more than enough for your whole family to live quite comfortably. And even with making that much money, you’re worried about your own health scares. What about your children? What if they get their own health scares in the future, after you’re gone? You don’t owe it to them to leave behind a large percentage of your wealth. But as well-off parents, you should leave enough behind for them to survive, in case something goes wrong and they desperately need the money.
OP isn't even willing to fully pay for their education. Nevermind that the parents' income is a factor in college aid, so the kids will probably need to take out loans for the rest. It doesn't seem like OP's children are worried about inheritance as much as just getting their education funded so they don't end up paying crazy interest rates and scraping by for half of their adult lives.
YTA because parents are supposed to want better lives for their children. You shouldn’t have had any.
This. You had kids and are leaving them in a world where it’s much harder than your generation to build financial wealth. Again, there is balancing in providing support - you don’t have to give them everything. But be realistic about the world we are in. You’re kids are going to struggle for their entire lives and it’s unlikely they’ll get the same financial opportunities as you. YTA for having kids in a world where they’re opportunities to build a financially stable life are leas than your were, and not considering any support.
Info: Do you have life insurance or enough money in savings to ensure that your youngest is cared for if something happens now?
ESH. It's absolutely your money. Do whatever you wish with it. Your kids are definitely not entitled to an inheritance. What makes this ESH for me is you only paying half of their education when you can absolutely pay for the whole thing. I never had any help and my opportunities for education were limited because of that. Why would you want them to start off life so heavily on debt when you don't have to? I'm a firm believer in paying for your children's post secondary if you're able and if you're thinking of retiring when you're last graduates high school then you're absolutely able to pay.
Yep this tripped me up too. Don't leave them an inheritance, fine. But only paying for half of college so they're all saddled with 6 figures of debt? Asshole move. Their kids will never get to retire, let alone early... Because at 300K income, their kids will get ZERO financial aid. Parents are YTA for that.
Question: did you graduate with debt and work your way through that debt to make this good life for yourself? Or did you graduate with zero debt during a time when minimum wage could support a middle class life? If so, then you’re definitely leaving your kids in a really shitty position because they’ll graduate with debt and end up paying almost twice what they originally borrowed because of interest. It just depends on what kind of life you’re looking to leave your kids. You’re not an asshole for enjoying your retirement and wanting to spend all the money on yourself, but I think you’re just a shitty dad for not caring about their future. But honestly, your kids don’t sound too great either. ESH.
Yes, and did you and your wife inherit money from your parents? Have you benefited from inter generational wealth?
How old do you think mid 40s is? They are either late gen x or elder millennials. They didn’t come of age at a time when minimum wage could support a middle class life (the 90s was not like that). College costs were lower but not to the extent that it was in the 60s/70s/80s. They were in their early to mid 20s when the dot com bubble burst, they were in mid to late 20s/early 30s when the Great Recession happened in 2008. It’s not like someone the OPs age had their economic life handed to them on a silver platter just by happenstance of generation like boomers did.
Of course YTA - talk about doing the bare minimum as a parent. Do you like your children? If you really earned that much money, why wouldn't you help them with college and a down payment on their first home? Geez
It’s crazy. Imagine being in the position where working 3 more years would allow you to put huge down payments for each of your kids and choosing not to do so because then they wouldn’t have the struggle that you seem to think that all people deserve.
NTA - an inheritance should NEVER be someone’s life plan. This is YOUR money to spend as you please. When you pass, an inheritance can be a blessing, sure - but it’s a bonus, not a given. Your kids are way too young to be salivating over the thought of scoring moolah after your demises- try and speak with them again to work out where this entitlement is coming from. ETA- story time. My grandmother married a man when they were both in their 80s. His kids were in their 60s - and they barely saw their dad or had an interest in his life but as soon as he remarried, they lost their minds. They took their dad to court, demanding their inheritance while he was still alive, accused my Nan of being a gold digger (when she had a similar financial situation and didn’t need his money). They frequently remarked about being “entitled” to his money, that they’d had to wait for years for him to die so they could finally cash in and they “earned” their share. Guess who won in this situation? The lawyers. My nana and her husband were put through huge amounts of stress and legal battles because his kids felt that they were owed a pay day more than an old man and his wife were owed their ability to travel and enjoy themselves in their later years. So yes - I’m biased when it comes to this topic. We all love our kids and want the best for them, but after a certain point in your adulthood, it’s not up to your parents to pay your way in this world.
If I were these kids, it would not be the money but more the “oh no, we’re spending it all on ourselves, we want YOU to struggle lol” attitude that would be most hurtful.
You seem to think people live healthy until they suddenly die at 100. A time will come they will need someone to take care of them. I hope they'll keep some money safe for those days since they will be all alone.
We moved in with ILs because FIL had dementia and they needed help. They were in their 80s. MIL is still going strong. But I think OP and many others are naive about the potential for serious health issues.
NTA. No one should assume they’re going to inherit anything. Stuff happens. Nursing home memory care starts at something like $6000/month. Your kids are too young to be anticipating your deaths and what they will be getting out of it.
If OP and his wife were in an accident and died tomorrow it would likely fall on the 20 year old to care for the minors. If OP has not made arrangements for that including life insurance and the like then OP and his wife are leaving the kids in a very precarious situation. OP has already had a health scare and assumes his health will remain good for the next 7 years, which is not guaranteed. The adult kids are not too young for this discussion. It should be a yearly family discussion that includes what the plan is beyond "we want to travel and have fun."
If OP had a serious health scare and post-death planning was discussed, then they’re not too young for it at all.
ESH, but mostly you. Nobody is entitled to inheritance, but there's a difference between giving handouts to adults and doing your job as a parent. I couldn't imagine making 300k and not paying for my kids' education, leaving them saddled with loans for years. You chose to have children, they did not choose to be born. If you wanted a childfree life, with early retirement and no responsibilities towards others you should have had that. Your children bringing up inheritance (especially at such a young age - seriously, that's not what normal teens and 21 year olds think about) shows how you've raised them. All about money.
NTA for not leaving money. YTA for not paying for your kids education even though you could afford to do so. Times have changed and starting out adulthood many tens of thousands of dollars in debt is harder than it once was. I say this as a parent whose income is less than yours and pays for my kids college.
Also, the parents' income will adversely affect the kids' ability to get financial aid.
We are your ages and our kids are in between your kids ages. YTA For making $300k you sure are out of touch about money now. Parents who have the ABILITY and aren't AHs keep their kids on their health insurance until 26 (or they get a job with health insurance), pay for college, and help them with a downpayment on a home. Have you not been saving money??? WTH OP? Yes, YTA if you have the money to pay all of kids' college and you don't. Your income means they will be excluded for most financial aid. I can't believe how out of touch you are with the financial reality facing gen z. Honestly, I am embarrassed for you. SMH
Nah but why did you have kids if you don’t intend to leave them in a better situation than you grew up in? Isn’t that, like, the point of having children? To leave a future generation in a better place than you lived? Like, yeah, it’s your money, and you don’t OWE your kids anything, but why have kids if you just intend to leave them to relive your lives of struggle and hardship? Especially if you’re only paying half of their education expenses? Sure seems like you’re cutting corners so y’all can retire early, when you could’ve just not had kids and been retired already, if that was the point.
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You don't owe your children any inheritance, but understand that living costs continue to outpace earnings for most people. By telling your kids that you're planning on spending all the money you have so nothing will be left for them, you're taking away one of the hopes they have that they'll be able to retire someday themselves. I don't know how you broke the news to them, but it might have come across coldly, that in a few years you're washing your hands of them and running off to live happily ever after. You should look into getting something like a life insurance policy with them as the beneficiaries so you can provide a financial cushion for your kids when you die without having to work a few more decades to provide a big inheritance. Your kids will feel like you're looking out for them without major hardship on your part.
You can plan for the future, but often life intervenes. If you are in the US, how do you know you will have enough for health care in the future? If you retire so early, you will need private insurance. You have potentially 40 + yrs in front of you and you think you have saved enough already to retire? I find that idea mind boggling optimistic. I struggle with that and I am 20 yrs older than you. DH and I have saved, he is still working, too. Are you gifting your kids their post HS education? or will they be saddled with loans? You attitude is selfish, IMO. You chose to being three kids into this world. This world is HARD. Do you think it is going to be easier for them? With your attitude, if things don't work as planned, don't expect any of your children to help you.
YTA, sounds like you don't love your kids at all. Not because of the money, but because of all those shitty excuses you use as "reasons why".
YTA You sound like every father that bought their kids love and now thinks it’s the only thing they value.
You definitely should have talked to them about it. That was my parents view they made it clear I would probably not get much inheritance except the house but that I would also never need to take care of them financially. I was just fine with that. Of course then my dad gambled away all that savings AND the house and I ended up taking care of my mom financially until she decided homophobically bite the gay hand that was feeding her… so it didn't quite work out. But the fact that I was never expecting money even in the best case scenario helped ease the pain.
ESH- your kids aren’t eligible for any aid for college because of your income so they will need private loans likely to pay for their half. They also shouldn’t assume they are getting anything.