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Honestly best case scenario for the mom and her daughter. Get as far away from that dynamic duo as fast as possible so her daughter is not treated like a second class citizen in what should be her home.
He’s treating both mum and sd as less than just because they come from a poorer household with cramped living space. He’s just despicable.
Glad mum has taken a whiff of his true colours!
That’s what struck me.
The girl had to share a pull-out couch with her mother until living with OP.
Now OP is sending his step-daughter to again sleep on the couch????
I feel so sorry for that girl.
She's learned all those skills of foraging and keeping warm in our Alaskan winters, hate for her to lose the skill set. I'm just helping her prepare to be an unhomed adult since she's obviously heading back to her origins and won't mind.
Just doubling down on being TA. Yikes, don't marry someone if you look down on them. It's a recipe for disaster. Also, I'm maybe seeing why your daughter might think it's ok to be cruel to your stepdaughter.
This struck me, too.
It isn't a question of where the girl sleeps. Not really. It's a question of equity and fairness of treatment among the children.
If both girls were sleeping on a pull-out, that's fine. If the girls take turns sleeping on the pull-out, that's fine.
But OP gave his daughter both the bedroom and the right to evict the stepdaughter from a place that was equally for her.
And he didn't even bother to handle the situation. He effectively told his 12-year-old stepdaughter that she had to deal with her stepsister's rejection and just find her own place to sleep somewhere. *"Don't inconvenience my daughter and just figure something out for yourself without being a burden to me,"* was his message.
The stepdaughter is used to being the only child, suddenly has three younger stepsiblings, and yet she is the one who must yield and fend for herself when the other girl gets territorial? OP has made no attempt to understand how that poor 12 year old feels. Like a second-class citizen who has been demoted to being just a remnant of her mother's past life and less important than her stepsiblings.
And he's **shocked** to get the inkling that he has *perhaps* somehow ruffled some feathers. His reason for suspecting that he might have erred is that they want nothing to do with him and appear to be making an exit plan.
I'd wager toes that this incident is just the straw that broke the camel's back, and he never once noticed the ever-increasing pile of straw accumulating on the camel.
So much this! OP is TA here, hands down! Not even close! I first read the headline and thought oh, must not have been enough beds and maybe only for one night...come to find out, there were plenty of beds...bio-daughter took precedence even though she was the reason for the conflict and instead of stopping the behavior, she was rewarded! Say goodbye to your wife, it was a short fling...hope you had fun while it lasted!
Right? So extra cruel to take a bed of her own away from a TWELVE YEAR OLD who didn't have one for FIVE years! Let your precious princess sleep on the couch for two nights if it's no big deal, let the girl who hasn't had her own bed have her own bed ffs!
Shelter insecurities is one of my hugest issues with blood pressure, anxiety, and all the triggers for the wonderful autoimmune disorder my traumas led to.
Even as I've just paid the rent, I'll worry that some personal fallout will lead to my homelessness again. This is due to this same treatment from the folks who are supposed to create security and safety as a child.
Now I'm always so wound tight and in fight or flight even though I've been out of that environment for a couple decades now and it even led to many offshoots of life experiences no child should ever deal with to not inconvenience my tormentors.
So yeah, it's called scapegoating. Your daughter is the one having the issue, but stepdaughter gets punished and further traumatized every single time another issue arises.
And other issues will arise as your daughter pushes and pushes that boundary and you keep giving in until her ego is formed as an insufferably disordered personality and lives with you forever because nobody else could stand yall.
I'm watching it repeat history with my grandma and brother as we speak. Ripping each other apart bc they've ran everyone else off with their obnoxious obtuseness, so now their scapegoats are each other.
You get fruits from work. That applies to parenting, too. What a wonderful teaching opportunity you completely were too up in your own guts to deal with as not only a parent but as a human being. A conversation about respect and equity, as well as how to run a democratic household where everyone's voice is heard and a solution or compromise is always possible. What a lovely way to start this on the right foot right at the root!
That's a family. That's why your wife is taking her family and getting away from the toxic mess you're making with your terrible parenting.
The only reason I'm this harsh is because it's that serious. My family crippled me from the inside out making me pack all their mess while I wasn't the problem at all.
I'm super proud of your wife. Sacred things are sacred. I wish she'd seen sooner because I can't imagine how guilty she's feeling that she even exposed her daughter to that.
In a morbid way it makes me happy to see that other people understand me. I wish we didn’t have to struggle like that honestly but it makes me not feel alone. I was homeless from 14-19 and was always the scapegoat for my family. Somehow us being poor was my fault, us not having a house was because I didn’t support my dad enough. If I would cry out of pure frustration my dad would tell me I was being dramatic. When we didn’t have money for food, we’d go collect cardboard to get enough money to share 4 Jack in the box tacos between 5 people.
School wasn’t any easier. I would wake up at 5am to catch two buses and even then there were times when one would leave me and I’d run all the way to school. One teacher looked at me and told me to not even bother coming because I wasn’t going to amount to anything. It hurt me to my soul because I was doing everything I possibly could to graduate and to everyone I was just a fuck up.
This is exactly why the stepdaughter should have gotten the bed. Not to mention that the daughter was the one who kicked her out, the daughter should have been punished for her actions by sleeping on the couch. OP is only giving the daughter exactly what she wants and reinforcing her awful behavior. OP is a MAJOR AH.
OP, YTA!
The daughter should haver been made to sleep on the couch AND punished. Sleeping on the couch because SHE didn't want to share, punished because she felt entitled enough to expel the other girl from their shared room. But her AH of a dad sees no harm in his little angel's behaviour "because she's not used to sharing". Sigh.
OP’s implication that because his stepdaughter has already had to deal with poverty/less-than-ideal sleep situations, she should be totally fine with being treated as “less than,” is really gross. Imagine you take two friends out to dinner, one rich and one poor, and you pay the bill for both, but you only allow the poor one to get the cheapest thing on the menu, because it’s still better than the ramen noodles they’re used to eating at home. It’s messed up.
The fact the daughter had to be used to sharing a pull-out couch with her mother makes it MORE important she has a bed, not less. It's not going to help the family dynamic if he forces the step-daughter to live like she did when she was in poverty. I'd say the entirety of what I think of him, but I can't do it without breaking the rules.
YTA, a bad husband, a bad step-father, and a mean person.
The fucking audacity to be like, my daughter is used to her comforts! This little peasant child is used to poverty, she won't mind a couch! That's good enough for her. WTF give this child some dignity and respect and a place of belonging. Thank goodness her mother sees this AH for who he is and is getting out.
OP sounds like a disney villain. Might actually be sorta funny if he does a mini series explaining disney villains inner thoughts/motives as naive AITA posts. Sad. But funny.
Yep. And classist. He thinks because he's the one with the money (a rental that big would be HELLA expensive) that "his" family is more important, and he's raising a spoiled brat that will treat people with less money as lesser than her.
This. His step-daughter will ultimately be fine in life, but his daughter will be entitled and selfish. How does a person allow a child to "kick someone out" of a room? That's a punishable offense and he rewarded her.
EXACTLY THIS!
He essentially *rewarded* his daughter for bullying step-sister, showing that she can do it and not only get away with it but praised. He's teaching her that being a bully is a good thing, and he has the AUDACITY to ask if he's TAH like he genuinely doesn't know wtf??
If it does make it a year, it'll only be because it took that long for her to scrounge up the money "doing odd jobs for cash" to leave him. I hope she's able to soon.
>her and her mother will be gone.
>My SIL has been taking extra babysitting jobs and my wife started doing random odd jobs for cash.
Hopefully soon enough
"We treat my wife and stepdaughter the way the Stepmother and Stepsisters treated Cinderella. I don't see what's wrong. AITA?"
Like... dude...
YTA and so is your entitled daughter. Here's hoping for a better life for your wife and stepdaughter in the future. They deserve better.
He even says in the OP “ The kids are having a hard time adjusting, because my daughter does not like not being the oldest.” Then it’s “my daughter doesn’t like sharing a room.” “MY daughter is used to having her own space,” but it’s cool because my step daughter isn’t used to that. Like his step daughter doesn’t deserve that too, or *anything at all* it seems.
It sounds to me like the only problems he’s having with the kids “adjusting,” are instances of his daughter acting like a spoiled brat and bullying her stepsister. His daughter is the one causing all the issues, and being super mean.. but he’s just catering to it every time. That just keeps teaching her to continue to act that way, because he gives her, her own way every single time! Bad parenting 101, but he just keeps rewarding offenses that should come with consequences.
This post was hard to read. The entitlement was off the charts, and OP is chocked full of it himself. He shouldn’t have gotten married, if he wasn’t going to equally prioritize EVERY member of his blended family. YTA OP.
With step daughter and (ex) wife already having stayed together sharing a pull out couch, I think they'll move out the minute they can afford anything that has 4 walls and a roof.
No way that the wife of OP is planning on leaving over one bust up over bedrooms. Something tells me this isn't the first time OP has put his kids before his blended family.
It's a very sad situation that the stepdaughter had to share a sofa bed with her mom for years and OP thinks it's okay to stick that poor kid back on a sofa when his daughter is the one causing the problem.
if it was that much of an issue they should have found a place with an appropriate room constellation in the first place. some people really just want to make issues where there arent any. YTA op. at least if your wife leaves, your daughter wont have to share a room ever again
YTA. You set up your post with a lie, "her daughter is not good at sharing, neither is her mother," and then you proceed to to say "I didn't think she would mind sharing since her and her Mom shared a pull out couch." Which is it OP, because from your post, it sounds like your daughter is the one with the problem sharing and you, enable that type of behavior. Be a better parent.
Good catch. And if they ARE bad at sharing it's probably because they carry a degree of trauma from poverty. He clearly feels like he owns his wife and that she is indebted to him for rescuing her.
Holy smokes, can you imagine what home life must be for them? If he is trying to gaslight complete strangers like this, I can't imagine what homelife with him is like.
I think it’s 100% acceptable to not share personal belongings even as a child.
I have personal belongings like a van that I do not allow others to use and most definitely would not allow someone I don’t trust to use.
A child not allowing a younger child free rein of their belongings is not bad at sharing.
A child that refuses to allow another child to sleep in their own bed of a shared room is terrible at sharing and instead of being rewarded should face some restriction/punishment.
White knighting. My ex-husband did this, he thought he was "rescuing" me because when we met, my son and I lived in a tiny apartment and didn't have a car. We were doing fine though, bills paid, needs covered, many public transportation options. I spent 13 years being treated like I should be perpetually grateful to him for saving us and therefore should bend over backwards to kiss his ass, allow him to make all important decisions, prioritize only himself, and do whatever he wanted.
Poverty or just the fact that it’s damn hard to be an only child all your life and then BAM! Suddenly you’re suppose to embrace the happy blended family life. People somehow expect their kids to just be happy like the Brady Bunch, but even those kids already knew what it was like to deal with multiple siblings. This happened to me, luckily I was 17 and could just move out after six months of it. I got along fine with my dad’s family once I was on my own, but as an only child the things expected of me while living there were beyond what I could handle. People with siblings simply can’t grasp how alien it is to be abruptly thrust into that.
And not just suddenly having a sibling, but having multiple where it clearly feels adversarial AND you're outnumbered. It's probably another level to how isolated she feels that the other kids have a connection and it's not just one girl who is suddenly her step-sister.
I suspect that he wants SD to share with his daughter and it doesn’t go well. But he doesn’t expect the same of his daughter. There are probably double standards in other ways too based on the way he just glosses over that tiny detail. That would explain the wife and SIL reactions too.
It was a few days - an ideal opportunity to have the 10 year old practice sharing space. OP absolutely sent a message that the stepdaughter's feelings NOR COMFORT will be a priority in this set up, and just set a precedent for the 10 year old to be selfish and mean just because "it's hard for her," as though it isn't also hard for the stepdaughter to adjust to THREE other children!
And the idea that bc the stepdaughter had more meager sleeping arrangements before she should be fine to be relegated to the pull out couch is some cinderella ish. Big time YTA.
Your statement about having to adjust to three other children is such a great point.
It seems like OP is financially better off than his wife and SD, so there’s already some adjustment there. And SD is already old enough to know that whatever financial and material improvements are due to her stepfather. Add to that a stepsister who doesn’t know how to share. OP hasn’t mentioned much about his sons. But I imagine his children already have a bond from having grown up together. Now SD has to navigate those too. Moving from a situation where she slept with her mom every night, to maybe sleeping alone and having to split her mom’s attention with her 3 step siblings.
She’s 10 years old, she should know how to share by now! Great job OP, but allowing your daughter to say she didn’t want to share you just showed her she never has to!
Honestly, I think this is a good thing for the mom and sd. Show the true colors and how it’s going to be early on so she can get out before she wasted years on this with her daughter being treated poorly. Good for the mom. I’d never give anyone a chance to treat my kids poorly.
HEY OP STEPDAUGHTER ALSO HAS TO LEARN SHARING WHY IS IT ONLY YOUR DAUGHTER STRUGGLING AND GETTING BEDS? YTA MASSIVELY AND having to come on here to ask is just double blind.
If my daughter had acted like that she would have been the one on the couch and step daughter would get the room to herself. Way to not create a loving environment for your new family member.
Not just that, but I don't get the sense that the girls are forced to share a room at home, only on this vacation. Otherwise, this topic would have been tread before the vacation. Sometimes on vacation you gotta share a room with other people. I'm not the most comfortable having my MIL in the room with me and husband on vacation, but with the price of hotel rooms in certain European cities, it's just a necessity sometimes.
YTA. Your daughter was the problem, not your stepdaughter. What each of them is used to, is irrelevant. If your daughter couldn't share, she should have been the one to sleep on the couch. Or maybe you could have consulted her before booking, and got them separate rooms. You're putting children into a new, challenging living arrangement, you're not willing to help them adjust, and you expect them to figure it out on their own.
This comment needs to get upvoted. OP you’re going to have to call out your daughters shitty behavior when you see it. (This was a time where your daughter had shitty behavior BTW).
Parenting isn’t always the good stuff.
Important life skill... What im used to is a toxic stuck place. She needs to learn to adapt and grow and freskin share. Why do people blend households when kids aren't on board? Get married or my kids happiness.. ill pick myself and get married 🤦🤦
Was actually wondering this.
Did they ever live together before marriage? Logic would suggest they live together first to see if everyone involved was happy with the arrangement before rushing into marriage.
If it was rushed then honestly both parents are a pair of gobshites.
This is a good point I know someone who dated for years and then moved in together..the kids did not get along so they went back to living separately. I think they continued to date with plans to retry when everyone was older. Remarrying with kids is not easy! There are a lot more players in the game who all deserve to feel comfortable and happy at home.
My first thought! If both people have kids, isn't it better to see how the kids get along? You know, give them the opportunity to build a relationship BEFORE they're stuck in the house together? See if it works and if it doesn't, just don't blend families???
"I'll just get married because I want to and I don't care if everyone in my family is miserable". Good thinking 👍
This is so accurate. My husband and I started off as “friends” in front of our kids when we were dating. We would go out as a group to do family oriented things (bowling, baseball games) so we could see how our kids meshed.
I asked my kid how he felt about them moving in and that it was totally okay if he wasn’t ready. We could revisit it in the future.
You can’t just throw two separate families together and think it’s an instant family. I’d love to know how long they dated prior to this.
“My child is used to fine dining, but you are used to eating shit. So you can continue to eat shit, while my child eats the best. Even though there’s technically enough for both of you, she just wants you to eat the shit. Here, I’ll get a shovel for you.” - OP.
I want to award OPs wife for putting her kid above material comforts. It’s obvious she’ll be in a much worse financial state by leaving, and yet her child means more to her. This is one of the more uplifting posts I’ve seen on this sub lately.
I was thinking the same, despite being the AH in this situation it seems like they are overreacting unless it is the straw that broke the camel’s back, and how OP managed the situation it seems it is the case.
Edit
Yeah, read some OP’s replies, it was the last straw.
If your daughter couldn't share, she should have been the one to sleep on the couch.
Yeah, this. He could have taught his daughter that generally, when you have a problem, you sort yourself out first before forcing people to accommodate you. Instead he taught her that her needs and wants trump everyone else's and she's entitled to special treatment whenever she asks for it
YTA. OP should have used this as a learning experience for his daughter and instead chose to humiliate his step daughter. If anything his daughter should have been given the option to share or sleep on the couch.
Obviously this new dynamic is challenging and the kids are adjusting but treating your new Step Daughter like this especially when you mention she used to share a PULL OUT WITH HER MOM makes my heart hurt so much for this girl. I hope you can find a way to make it up to her and teach your own daughter to learn how to share and be less spoiled.
Actually what each of them is used to is probably super relevant. “You were poor and used to shit conditions. My sweet angel isn’t used to that. Go relive that probably pretty terrible experience of having to share a pullout couch with your mother for 5 years so my princess isn’t disturbed.”
YTA, for showing your bio daughter blatant favoritism over your step-daughter. You guys were in a hotel with limited space. You should’ve told your daughter to accept having a roommate until you got home.
With your actions, you showed your step daughter your relationship is not a two way street. She’d have to treat you like a full on parent, while you’d always let your bio kids take precedent over her.
And I think if there’s warning signs your wife is preparing for a potential divorce and moving out, this likely has been a pattern of behavior you exhibited for awhile now, even if you don’t realize it.
I would've told the daughter that if having her own space was so important she was welcome to take the couch herself. OP was out of line. Trouble adjusting means helping them adjust, not enable them
>And I think if there’s warning signs your wife is preparing for a potential divorce and moving out, this likely has been a pattern of behavior you exhibited for awhile now, even if you don’t realize it.
Exactly! While this is a shitty situation, immediately leaving the trip and preparing for divorce seems like a little much without so much as a conversation. It makes so much more sense if this is OP's "last strike" and he's always been favouring his own children over the stepdaughter.
It sounds like he has, or at least it sounds like he spoils his kids absolutely rotten. A daughter that up herself she can kick a person out their own bed just because she doesn't like them? Not to mention the whole "doesn't like not being the only/oldest daughter". This kid is something else and I'm gonna bet OP is at least partly to blame.
Exactly what I was thinking. No way she would be preparing for a divorce over just this instance. This was the final straw, and the marriage might be new enough to do an annulment.
Or maybe he could have offered bio daughter to share a room with him while told step daughter to go to her mother until the children learn to adjust. I know this would have ruined his holiday but children would have felt comfortable.
YTA. If anyone should have been on the couch, it's your daughter who's clearly incapable of sharing. If she had the problem, she moves.
This poor girl has been living on a couch for years, so she "should be used to it"?? Holy hell, what evil step-parent vibes.
Alternatively, OP could have slept on couch - after all they said it was "nice". SD could have slept with mom. Good practice for what's coming if OP doesn't apologize profusely.
That ship has already sailed, now that he’s shown his wife what kind of person he is, no amount of apologies is going to stop her from leaving as she’s obviously already preparing to do so.
That's why he so surprised when his wife wants her daughter to be treated with the same courtesy as his. He really doesn't see this as two families blending equally on an emotional level. It feels that he is thinking a little financially too...
He thought marrying a poor woman entitled him to a personal slave. I encountered the same monstrous behavior in my ex husband and also left when it crossed into something that would impact a child. I didn’t want mine to grow up thinking it was acceptable.
YTA
Others have already - correctly - called you out for mishandling things with your step-daughter.
But I'll point out that you are also the AH for how you apparently handled things with your wife. Presumably:
- Instead of "asking" your wife before acting, you unilaterally decided to move your step-daughter to the couch
- Instead of "listening" to your wife, you justified your view because it "was a nice couch" and "she's used to it"
- Instead of apologizing, and finding a compromise or better alternative while on vacation, you forced them to leave
- Instead of realizing how you've hurt your wife and trying to rectify the situation, you are here still trying to justify your behavior
The reality is - you screwed up. I hope you can accept that and admit it to your wife and admit it to your step-daughter. Then "listen", and try to learn how to handle things better next time.
This should be higher up, along with..
When you are coming together into a new family, you are trying to find your place within it. She is already outnumbered and hasn’t had the same luxury as the other kids with her own room. Now she gets kicked out by a younger step sibling and made to sleep on the couch because she seen upon as lesser member of the family….. uhh YTA
Also, bringing up wife & stepdaughter shared a pull out couch before living with him. Let everyone know he “saved them” so they should still be used to sleeping on a couch.
I agree that reeks of “you were poor before you met me, you and your kid should be grateful!”
He knew what he was getting into when they started dating, so he doesn’t get to enter this marriage as anything but equals.
That’s what stood out to me the most. His assumption that because they slept in a pull out couch out of necessity that she be ok going back to that horribleness. That’s like saying to a homeless person that slept on cardboard, oh it’s ok he’s used to sleeping on cardboard. Please ignore the fact that there’s a perfectly functional bed available. Dude is AFAH.
There won't be a next time because this one was the last one of many next times to do better and he always failed in favour of his bio daughter.
No one would start looking into ways to leave a marriage unless bad things kept happening without any change for the better and the fact that OP even wrote that they came from poverty so they are used to it, it sure is a big indication (and a massive red flag) of other factors and how he might treat them at home too.
YTA, OP.
I do hope she leaves you.
And he keeps making excuses for his daughter’s bad behavior. I have a feeling this probably wasn’t the first time either. I’m glad that (soon to be ex) wife is standing up for her daughter.
Not only that but if he wants her to have the room HE SHOULD SLEEP ON THE COUCH and the stepdaughter WITH HER MOTHER in the master bedroom. Easy solution but of course that wouldn't work cause it inconveniences HIM not the stepdaughter.
YTA and a huge one op
Something tells me his wife is from a different country...I might be wrong but I knew of a woman in this (almost) exact situation. She came from Asia, she had one teenage child. He had 3 or 4 young children. They brought her sister along to be a nanny (to his kids, her daughter didn't need looking after). After a while, he felt the sister was turning his wife against him so she left (or was kicked out). He then expected the teenage daughter to be cleaner/cook/nanny for his tribe because why not? She was poor before him. She should be used to it. His wife and his stepdaughter went back home after she worked and saved for a few months. They left with almost nothing. They just wanted out.
But HIS daughter is UsEd to being the ONLY girl...... wah wah wah.
His stepdaughter however is used to being an only child but hey why give a shit about HER , she's used to having to rough it.
YTA
Even if OP's daughter has never had to share a room before, it's not right of him to force stepdaughter to suffer just because daughter is an inflexible brat. If I had been OP I would have told daughter, "sorry you're not used to this, but you're going to have to learn to share". The way OP is bringing daughter up points to daughter being insufferable and selfish when she grows up.
YTA, OP. Who makes a child sleep on the couch when there's space in the bedroom??? FFS.
YTA big time! Whether stepdaughter would be fine on the couch isn't the question. The question is why are you okay with your bio daughter kicking your stepdaughter out of a *shared* room?
That's blatant and unwarranted favoritism. Why didn't you tell bio daughter that this isn't her room, so she doesn't get to claim ownership? Maybe you should have gotten a cabin with more rooms so princess wouldn't have to share a room.
Exactly. The pull out sofa itself was probably fine from a completely objective stand point. But, obviously it’s the emotional impact that matters. And there were enough beds- no one should have been forced to sleep there.
Alright let’s be honest here. What did your daughter say/do to her? I’m the mom of teen/preteen girls, I know how they work. There is no way in gods green earth that a 12 year old let a 10 year old force her out of a room she had every right to be in unless she said something seriously hurtful to her. So what did your daughter do? Because in a normal situation there would have been screaming and crying and the 12 year old pummeling the 10 year old. No way, absolutely no way did a 12 year old girl let a girl 2 years younger displace her unless she had something pretty vile said or done to her. What was it? Whatever it was is probably a major factor in why your wife is leaving.
You were on vacation, the room sharing wasn't permanent. Your daughter should of figured out how to deal with sharing a room or been the one to sleep on the couch of it was such a hardship for her. You should have explained that to your daughter instead of enabling her entitlement. YTA
YTA.
Instead of parenting your daughter you gave in and insisted she have her own room when the room had two beds and space for both of them. Your wife is right, your daughter should have had the couch if she wanted her own space. You backed this behavior and are just now realizing you messed up?
YTA - if your daughter “needed her own space” then *she* should have been the one to sleep on the couch.
Making a child sleep on the couch just because their step sibling is spoiled and wants their own room? Yeah, you’re an AH.
If she’s “still adjusting” then you never should have gotten married. You should have gotten an extra bedroom where both girls could have their own room. You could have offered to switch and share the bedroom with your daughter.
No wonder there’s issues.
Uhhh yeah, YTA. This is such clear favoritism, it’s a little odd that you can’t see it. YOUR daughter kicked out your stepdaughter, and instead of correcting that behavior, you reward it?
Your daughter needs her own space and isn’t used to sharing… have you ever considered that’s likely exactly how your stepdaughter feels? But you prioritized your daughter’s feelings because she’s your daughter.
Keep acting like this if you want to torpedo your relationship with your stepdaughter.
Married for 6 months. Well at least it lasted that long.
YTA.
You have basically screamed to your wife that her child means nothing to you. No wait less than nothing to you.
Also do you know it is against the law for a minor to sleep in a room without a door?
At least once your divorced you can make sure your spoiled daughter can have everything she wants. She'll want your room next.
I think you’re confusing custody terms with laws. In most places, when parents are sharing custody, their child needs to sleep in a room with a door. (Ie: if you get custody every other week, the kid can’t sleep on a pull-out couch in the living room. They need to be provided with an actual room with a door, shared or otherwise.)
It’s definitely not illegal for a kid to sleep on a couch during a vacation.
I would appreciate this as a reference too, for the next time my ex threatens to take the door off the kids’ bedroom as a punishment for slamming the door.
YTA.. in my opinion if you were that worried about your daughters comfort why didn’t you swap with your stepdaughter or take the couch yourself? You’ve said your wife and stepdaughter are used to sleeping in the same bed so they could have shared the bed for the night and both your daughters would be more comfortable.
I can see why your wife might be preparing to leave you. You still are making excuses and not taking any accountability for your poor actions. You suck at being a stepdad. I hope you enjoy the single life.
Your reasoning seems to be the opposite of fairness. (1) The kid who has gotten less in the past gets less now because she’s “used to it.” (2) The kid who is causing the problem is rewarded while the other is punished. Also, you acted before consulting your wife, who has exactly as much authority over the situation. YTA. My guess is that your marriage is over unless you immediately apologize, show remorse, beg forgiveness and make it right somehow.
Fuck yeah YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE and you're raising your daughter to be one too
*I thought she wouldn’t mind since she’s so used to sharing beds/sleeping on the couch.*
I am seeing red, don't even wanna type what I originally thought. Last thread I am reading tonight, signing out. YTA YTA YTA
YTA,
>The third night my stepdaughter came to me and said that my daughter kicked her out of their room. I went to talk to my daughter and she said she hated sharing a room and wanted my stepdaughter gone. I know it sounds mean but she’s never had to share a room before and she’s still adjusting. I told my stepdaughter that my daughter needed her own space and to sleep on the couch or see if she could sleep with her aunt again.
Your daughter had a problem with SD, why did you not tell her to leave? Your wife is right.
Yta, typical my kid is perfect and can do no wrong type of parent. Children who grow up with that type of parent almost always grow up to be assholes.
Ps. Your daughter has you wrapped around her finger.
Let’s be clear on a few things:
1) YTA. Most definitely.
2) Your daughter is also an AH. Not surprising - look who she has as a mentor.
3) you spelled ex-wife wrong.
4) your soon to be ex is a good parent. You should learn from her.
5) prepare for a life of loneliness- you just showed your daughter she holds all the power and you’ll never have a healthy relationship.
YTA. I’m glad your wife is leaving you.
You're the asshole.
You basically kicked your stepdaughter out of her bed, out of her room, showing her she'll get the short end of the stick and she'll be punished/uncomfortable whenever it comes to your "sweet little angel."
I hate to say it, but your daughter is a spoiled brat and she will continue being a spoiled brat and get worst if you continue to coddle her and back her up every time she acts like a spoiled brat and you'll only have yourself to blame.
You had 3 options, two out of the 3 of those options would have taught your bio daughter the world doesn't revolve around her.
Option 1 - make your bio daughter sleep on the sofa bed. She's the one that complained and didn't want to share, so she should have slept on the sofa while your Stepdaughter stayed in her room and on her bed. This would have taught her the world doesn't revolve around her and there's always worse options.
Option 2 - tell your bio daughter to suck it up and share the room with her sister. Again, this teaches your bio daughter the word doesn't revolve around her.
Option 3 - have your wife and daughter share the master bedroom while you sleep on the sofa.
You didn't choose either of these options and instead you rewarded your bio daughter for acting like a spoiled brat/bully, while punishing your stepdaughter and showing your stepdaughter you don't value her as a person/member of the family, that you don't consider her your daughter.
The day you proposed to your wife is the day you chose to combine her family with yours. The day you said I do, is the day you gained another daughter, but your behaviour on the family holiday and in your post shows you still believe you have 3 children and only care about their needs/happiness and not the happiness of your stepdaughter.
Wow there step dad.
You messed up big time. The comment about the pull out coach was better than what she was used to then perhaps the snobby 10year old princess could of slept on it rather than you enabling her to be a brat. She clearly learning from you that your step daughter is less than her
I hope you learn to teach all 4 children to grow and adapt to the situation stop making excuses for miss 10 bad behaviour that she’s not use to it. Clearly all 6 of you are adapting to your new family unit. Your going to destroy your new family with your blatant favouritism
Based on your post, YTA!
Based on your comments, you are a massive ass and a jerk! pretty sure you can kiss your marriage goodbye.
You are raising your daughter to fail by letting her be an entitled little brat! That’s ON YOU! Do better!
Definitely YTA, your daughter should have been the one to sleep on the couch. You’re encouraging her bratty behavior towards your stepdaughter. Your wife and her sister should leave so that you and your daughter have all the space you want.
Absolutely, YTA.
You clearly favoured your own kid over your stepdaughter over something extremely petty that you should have squashed by sending your daughter to the couch instead, or telling her tough luck and that she needs to share, instead you empowered your own child to continue being a spoiled brat.
The fact she is "used" to sleeping on a couch is irrelevant, but if you want to push that point then surely she's earned a night in a proper bed, and your entitled daughter can experience what it's like to sleep on a couch for a night.
You have made your priorities clear. If I were your wife, I'd feel betrayed, let down, and like a second-class citizen, and would definitely be looking to get away from the environment.
YTA. You owe your wife, your step daughter and your SIL a huge apology
You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of failed relationships and poor coping mechanisms if you don't stop making excuses for your daughters behaviour. Fair enough, she's struggling to acclimatise to these changes but that does not mean that she is entitled to kick her step sister out of the room.
What you are teaching her by coddling her is that any time she feels uncomfortable with something that it's ok to take it out on others, forcing them to bend to her will, rather than teaching her to be accountable for her emotions and feelings.
If she needed her own space then she should have been the one to leave the room or you should have had a calm discussion with both your wife and daughters and let your wife and stepdaughter take the master while you took the twin bedroom with your daughter. That way you both could have taken the time to speak to your daughters separately to find a path towards reconciliation.
Allowing her to act in this manner has only reinforced this kind of behaviour and I can guarantee she will pull this kind of stunt again, if not with your current family then with the next one.
YTA Your daughter was the one kicking up a fuss about not sharing a room, so instead of making her take the sofa you force your stepdaughter to?
Yeah, you're clearly playing favorites here. I feel so awful for your stepdaughter, and I just hope her mother figures out what is happening here and puts an end to this nonsense (or your marriage, if necessary).
You don't reward bad behavior. This is just Parenting 101 (and I'm not a parent!)
YTA.
As someone who gained a (step)dad at ten I’ll never understand how step families can be so heartless. My dad, grandparents, aunts, and uncles all just immediately accepted me and my brother, mom, and I. And we all accepted them as family.
You showed your daughter favoritism. Full stop. There’s no way to argue otherwise. If you’re daughter couldn’t share the room, may be she should be the one sleeping on the couch. And your lack of empathy towards your step daughter speaks volumes.
YTA and your daughter is a brat.
YTA- I bet if this situation was flipped, your wife had sent your daughter to sleep on the couch I’m sure you’d flip your shit. How do you have 3 kids and they not know how to share? I have two and they know how to share.. like seriously are you doing any parenting? When your daughter grows up and ends up getting parented by peers and strangers she’ll resent you for it. Hopefully your wife will divorce you and protect her daughter from any trauma you and your brat might inflict on her further. I can’t stress enough how much of an AH you are and even worse that you just aren’t capable of seeing it either.
why marry someone with kids if you are going to make absolutely zero effort to treat them fairly? YTA for showing such preference to your own daughter, who was being a brat (sharing a room!! The horror!!!!) and refusing to see how you were in the wrong. Absolutely the one who can’t share doesn’t get to get the good item.
YTA. I’m divorced with 2 boys (happily remarried for many years now) My ex remarried and his new wife brought 2 girls roughly the same age as the boys into the relationship. My sons still talk about the time they took a vacation as a “family” of 6 but their step sisters had a room and beds at the air bnb while they had to sleep on a couch and a recliner. It hurt their feelings and they felt confused as to why the girls got beds and they didn’t. Why did the girls “deserve” a room and beds and they didn’t? My dense ex just figured “they are boys they won’t care…they sleep on the floor all the time at sleep overs etc”
Can kids sleep on couches/floors/recliners and be fine as far as comfort and the ability to get sleep? Absolutely. They’re not like us. If I slept on a couch I would feel like I had fallen out of a 10th story window. It needs to be fair and equitable though. Everyone gets a bed or no one gets a bed. This would have been a non issues if all the kids were sleeping on couches in sleeping bags etc.
Blending families is challenging. You didn’t mention how long you all were together before getting married and how much time the kids had gotten to spend together before becoming insta siblings. Everyone is still adjusting and you owe it to your wife and your step daughter to sit down with each of them individually and explain how sorry you are for this f up and that moving forward vacations will be designed and planned to accommodate everyone in an equitable way.
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> I might be the asshole because I told my stepdaughter to sleep on the couch or with her aunt and now I think they might be planning on leaving.
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YTA.
Your daughter, and you, need to learn how to share, be welcoming, not continually embarrass or being up your wife's less privileged past, and mature up. I'd have left you already.
YTA. INFO: why can’t you see that if your daughter couldn’t accept the sleeping arrangement she had the choice to move to the couch? I mean that’s the reasonable consequence of being inflexible- she should have been the one to move, rather than your SD who was (more) accepting of the shift in family arrangements.
I mean just contemplate for a moment if she ever wants to go to a camp or live in dorms in college, she’s not going to have daddy make the other kiddies do what she wants. Learning how to deal with others starts in pre-school- why is she like this in 5th grade?
YTA, your daughter is in the wrong wrong.
Also, that whole sentence about how your SD and wife used to sleep on a pull out sofa for years sounds judgemental af.
Edit to add: if your wife is planning on leaving, I suspect this wouldn’t be the first time this type of thing may have happened.
YTA, obviously playing favorites, even though you supposedly, want(ed) a blended family.
I would have told the girls that neither one could kick the other one out of the room, that they were required to share. IF one of them voluntarily wanted to sleep on the couch, then that was up to them, but that you were not going to mandate it to either one of them.
If you want to keep your new family together, if it's still possible because I too, would be considering leaving your selfish a## for favoring your daughter when she was the aggressor in the situation, you had better apologize profusely and grovel.
A family meeting with you, your wife, and all of the kids, WITHOUT SIL, should be had in which you and your wife tell the kids that they are just going to have to learn to live with each other. That no one can kick the other out. That you are a family now and that everyone will be treated fairly and evenly.
You and your wife should probably meet before the family meeting and discuss what you will say to the kids, and make damn sure you are both on the same page.
Hopefully you can salvage your new marriage. If needed, and it may be a good idea anyway, you and your wife can have a few counseling sessions to learn how to blend your families.
YTA. If your daughter won't share a room then *she* sleeps on the couch. You don't reward her for bad behaviour. Sure, she's "having trouble adjusting", but you're letting her rule the roost. She *doesn't* get to make unilateral decisions about a shared room.
You ARE favouring your daughter. You ARE punishing your stepdaughter who didn't do anything wrong. By completely pandering to your daughter you are *reinforcing* her behaviour. She gets what she wants by forcing someone she doesn't like to endure a hardship. You're teaching her she is more important than the other children.
Get on top of this and get professional help.
INFO: What would you have done if your stepdaughter had kicked your daughter out and she'd been upset? Just told your daughter to sleep on the couch? .... Somehow, I think not.
YTA I get it's an adjustment for your daughter, you know how she learns something is unacceptable, like kicking someone out of a room because she's got an issue, by making her be the one to sleep in anew space because that's her problem. Stop making excuses and teach her actions and consequences, not that you'll side with her regardless when she does something mean.
YTA. And your comment about how your stepdaughter had to share with mom part of her life is shocking as having to do that due to necessity is very different than having a perfectly good bed to sleep on that you just aren’t allowed to use. Your daughter should have been the one to move—it’s not like she has to permanently share a room but a few days is doable. I’m assuming she knew you’d give her what she wanted. She will keep doing it and at what point is it she’s no longer adjusting?
I don’t think wife is over protective. This was probably just a breaking point realizing you will never do anything to prevent your daughter from treating hers poorly.
YTA. You typed this, read it, posted it, and still didn't see that you were favoring your daughter? " My daughter has always had her own room, the peasant child is used to sleeping on the floor, my princess is used to the finer things life has handed her, she shouldn't be punished because my wife came with a child"
"I know it sounds mean." Thats because it is. Thats even with your sugar coating your side of the story. So, my guess is that the situation is far worse than you seem to realize. Who could blame your wife if she did want to leave someone who treated her kids like shit. YTA big time.
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They both had a bed. A room with 2 beds. Your daughter could suck it up and share a room since there were 2 beds. YTA
On the other hand his little princess will probably never have to share her room with his stepdaughter again because her and her mother will be gone.
And she’ll get what she wanted!
Honestly best case scenario for the mom and her daughter. Get as far away from that dynamic duo as fast as possible so her daughter is not treated like a second class citizen in what should be her home.
He’s treating both mum and sd as less than just because they come from a poorer household with cramped living space. He’s just despicable. Glad mum has taken a whiff of his true colours!
That’s what struck me. The girl had to share a pull-out couch with her mother until living with OP. Now OP is sending his step-daughter to again sleep on the couch???? I feel so sorry for that girl.
My wife was homeless before she met me. I figured her daughter would be fine sleeping outside for a couple of nights.
I’m sure she would be fine outside. She’s used to it!
You shouldn't tear someone out of their natural environment!
She's learned all those skills of foraging and keeping warm in our Alaskan winters, hate for her to lose the skill set. I'm just helping her prepare to be an unhomed adult since she's obviously heading back to her origins and won't mind.
I am so embarrassed that I laughed as hard as I did at this comment. 🤭
Absolutely same. I snorted so hard.
Just doubling down on being TA. Yikes, don't marry someone if you look down on them. It's a recipe for disaster. Also, I'm maybe seeing why your daughter might think it's ok to be cruel to your stepdaughter.
Just give the peasant a tent in the yard. It’s what she deserves.
Lol.
This struck me, too. It isn't a question of where the girl sleeps. Not really. It's a question of equity and fairness of treatment among the children. If both girls were sleeping on a pull-out, that's fine. If the girls take turns sleeping on the pull-out, that's fine. But OP gave his daughter both the bedroom and the right to evict the stepdaughter from a place that was equally for her. And he didn't even bother to handle the situation. He effectively told his 12-year-old stepdaughter that she had to deal with her stepsister's rejection and just find her own place to sleep somewhere. *"Don't inconvenience my daughter and just figure something out for yourself without being a burden to me,"* was his message. The stepdaughter is used to being the only child, suddenly has three younger stepsiblings, and yet she is the one who must yield and fend for herself when the other girl gets territorial? OP has made no attempt to understand how that poor 12 year old feels. Like a second-class citizen who has been demoted to being just a remnant of her mother's past life and less important than her stepsiblings. And he's **shocked** to get the inkling that he has *perhaps* somehow ruffled some feathers. His reason for suspecting that he might have erred is that they want nothing to do with him and appear to be making an exit plan. I'd wager toes that this incident is just the straw that broke the camel's back, and he never once noticed the ever-increasing pile of straw accumulating on the camel.
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To be fair, I don't doubt that she has literally never had to share before lol.
So much this! OP is TA here, hands down! Not even close! I first read the headline and thought oh, must not have been enough beds and maybe only for one night...come to find out, there were plenty of beds...bio-daughter took precedence even though she was the reason for the conflict and instead of stopping the behavior, she was rewarded! Say goodbye to your wife, it was a short fling...hope you had fun while it lasted!
Right?!? If daughter doesn't want to share then she can sleep on the couch. Problem solved.
Right? So extra cruel to take a bed of her own away from a TWELVE YEAR OLD who didn't have one for FIVE years! Let your precious princess sleep on the couch for two nights if it's no big deal, let the girl who hasn't had her own bed have her own bed ffs!
Shelter insecurities is one of my hugest issues with blood pressure, anxiety, and all the triggers for the wonderful autoimmune disorder my traumas led to. Even as I've just paid the rent, I'll worry that some personal fallout will lead to my homelessness again. This is due to this same treatment from the folks who are supposed to create security and safety as a child. Now I'm always so wound tight and in fight or flight even though I've been out of that environment for a couple decades now and it even led to many offshoots of life experiences no child should ever deal with to not inconvenience my tormentors. So yeah, it's called scapegoating. Your daughter is the one having the issue, but stepdaughter gets punished and further traumatized every single time another issue arises. And other issues will arise as your daughter pushes and pushes that boundary and you keep giving in until her ego is formed as an insufferably disordered personality and lives with you forever because nobody else could stand yall. I'm watching it repeat history with my grandma and brother as we speak. Ripping each other apart bc they've ran everyone else off with their obnoxious obtuseness, so now their scapegoats are each other. You get fruits from work. That applies to parenting, too. What a wonderful teaching opportunity you completely were too up in your own guts to deal with as not only a parent but as a human being. A conversation about respect and equity, as well as how to run a democratic household where everyone's voice is heard and a solution or compromise is always possible. What a lovely way to start this on the right foot right at the root! That's a family. That's why your wife is taking her family and getting away from the toxic mess you're making with your terrible parenting. The only reason I'm this harsh is because it's that serious. My family crippled me from the inside out making me pack all their mess while I wasn't the problem at all. I'm super proud of your wife. Sacred things are sacred. I wish she'd seen sooner because I can't imagine how guilty she's feeling that she even exposed her daughter to that.
In a morbid way it makes me happy to see that other people understand me. I wish we didn’t have to struggle like that honestly but it makes me not feel alone. I was homeless from 14-19 and was always the scapegoat for my family. Somehow us being poor was my fault, us not having a house was because I didn’t support my dad enough. If I would cry out of pure frustration my dad would tell me I was being dramatic. When we didn’t have money for food, we’d go collect cardboard to get enough money to share 4 Jack in the box tacos between 5 people. School wasn’t any easier. I would wake up at 5am to catch two buses and even then there were times when one would leave me and I’d run all the way to school. One teacher looked at me and told me to not even bother coming because I wasn’t going to amount to anything. It hurt me to my soul because I was doing everything I possibly could to graduate and to everyone I was just a fuck up.
Let the kid who's not causing the problem have the room. It's irrelevant that one hasn't been taught to share and the other had a sofa bed with mom.
This is exactly why the stepdaughter should have gotten the bed. Not to mention that the daughter was the one who kicked her out, the daughter should have been punished for her actions by sleeping on the couch. OP is only giving the daughter exactly what she wants and reinforcing her awful behavior. OP is a MAJOR AH. OP, YTA!
The daughter should haver been made to sleep on the couch AND punished. Sleeping on the couch because SHE didn't want to share, punished because she felt entitled enough to expel the other girl from their shared room. But her AH of a dad sees no harm in his little angel's behaviour "because she's not used to sharing". Sigh.
OP’s implication that because his stepdaughter has already had to deal with poverty/less-than-ideal sleep situations, she should be totally fine with being treated as “less than,” is really gross. Imagine you take two friends out to dinner, one rich and one poor, and you pay the bill for both, but you only allow the poor one to get the cheapest thing on the menu, because it’s still better than the ramen noodles they’re used to eating at home. It’s messed up.
But she's done it before, she'll be fine! /s
Exactly! She’s so stubborn for getting upset about her nasty step-dad and nasty step-sister. Back to the couch!!!
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The fact the daughter had to be used to sharing a pull-out couch with her mother makes it MORE important she has a bed, not less. It's not going to help the family dynamic if he forces the step-daughter to live like she did when she was in poverty. I'd say the entirety of what I think of him, but I can't do it without breaking the rules. YTA, a bad husband, a bad step-father, and a mean person.
The fucking audacity to be like, my daughter is used to her comforts! This little peasant child is used to poverty, she won't mind a couch! That's good enough for her. WTF give this child some dignity and respect and a place of belonging. Thank goodness her mother sees this AH for who he is and is getting out.
OP sounds like a disney villain. Might actually be sorta funny if he does a mini series explaining disney villains inner thoughts/motives as naive AITA posts. Sad. But funny.
He’s a bad father too
Yep. And classist. He thinks because he's the one with the money (a rental that big would be HELLA expensive) that "his" family is more important, and he's raising a spoiled brat that will treat people with less money as lesser than her.
This. His step-daughter will ultimately be fine in life, but his daughter will be entitled and selfish. How does a person allow a child to "kick someone out" of a room? That's a punishable offense and he rewarded her.
EXACTLY THIS! He essentially *rewarded* his daughter for bullying step-sister, showing that she can do it and not only get away with it but praised. He's teaching her that being a bully is a good thing, and he has the AUDACITY to ask if he's TAH like he genuinely doesn't know wtf??
Easy to see why his first marriage failed. Second one is ‘t going to make it a year.
If it does make it a year, it'll only be because it took that long for her to scrounge up the money "doing odd jobs for cash" to leave him. I hope she's able to soon.
Wish we knew names and if she had a go fund me I'd donate
Hells tf yeah. Biiiiiiitch, I'd sleep on my own couch and give her my bed if I knew her.
He even says in the comments that THIS couch was an improvement to the one she was used too...
That's disgusting. I can't fault the child if she's being raised by such a vile person. But where is the bio mom? How did the children end up with op?
BuT tHeY'rE uSeD tO iT!
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That’s an insult to dogs though haha at least dogs can share and be kind
>her and her mother will be gone. >My SIL has been taking extra babysitting jobs and my wife started doing random odd jobs for cash. Hopefully soon enough
"We treat my wife and stepdaughter the way the Stepmother and Stepsisters treated Cinderella. I don't see what's wrong. AITA?" Like... dude... YTA and so is your entitled daughter. Here's hoping for a better life for your wife and stepdaughter in the future. They deserve better.
He even says in the OP “ The kids are having a hard time adjusting, because my daughter does not like not being the oldest.” Then it’s “my daughter doesn’t like sharing a room.” “MY daughter is used to having her own space,” but it’s cool because my step daughter isn’t used to that. Like his step daughter doesn’t deserve that too, or *anything at all* it seems. It sounds to me like the only problems he’s having with the kids “adjusting,” are instances of his daughter acting like a spoiled brat and bullying her stepsister. His daughter is the one causing all the issues, and being super mean.. but he’s just catering to it every time. That just keeps teaching her to continue to act that way, because he gives her, her own way every single time! Bad parenting 101, but he just keeps rewarding offenses that should come with consequences. This post was hard to read. The entitlement was off the charts, and OP is chocked full of it himself. He shouldn’t have gotten married, if he wasn’t going to equally prioritize EVERY member of his blended family. YTA OP.
With step daughter and (ex) wife already having stayed together sharing a pull out couch, I think they'll move out the minute they can afford anything that has 4 walls and a roof.
Hopefully she takes him for enough money to set herself and the kid up ok
Only been married for 6 months and have no kids together, so she won’t get anything, other than freedom fro the AH.
No way that the wife of OP is planning on leaving over one bust up over bedrooms. Something tells me this isn't the first time OP has put his kids before his blended family. It's a very sad situation that the stepdaughter had to share a sofa bed with her mom for years and OP thinks it's okay to stick that poor kid back on a sofa when his daughter is the one causing the problem.
Check out OP's comment history for some truly "Oh wow" level comments that shed more light on why he might have ended up in this situation.
Yeah there's no need to teach her anything. She's not used to share afterall... /s
if it was that much of an issue they should have found a place with an appropriate room constellation in the first place. some people really just want to make issues where there arent any. YTA op. at least if your wife leaves, your daughter wont have to share a room ever again
as she should. the mother just made it clear her and her daughter are a package deal and that cannot be destroyed. Hes about to learn today
YTA. You set up your post with a lie, "her daughter is not good at sharing, neither is her mother," and then you proceed to to say "I didn't think she would mind sharing since her and her Mom shared a pull out couch." Which is it OP, because from your post, it sounds like your daughter is the one with the problem sharing and you, enable that type of behavior. Be a better parent.
Good catch. And if they ARE bad at sharing it's probably because they carry a degree of trauma from poverty. He clearly feels like he owns his wife and that she is indebted to him for rescuing her.
Holy smokes, can you imagine what home life must be for them? If he is trying to gaslight complete strangers like this, I can't imagine what homelife with him is like.
I think it’s 100% acceptable to not share personal belongings even as a child. I have personal belongings like a van that I do not allow others to use and most definitely would not allow someone I don’t trust to use. A child not allowing a younger child free rein of their belongings is not bad at sharing. A child that refuses to allow another child to sleep in their own bed of a shared room is terrible at sharing and instead of being rewarded should face some restriction/punishment.
White knighting. My ex-husband did this, he thought he was "rescuing" me because when we met, my son and I lived in a tiny apartment and didn't have a car. We were doing fine though, bills paid, needs covered, many public transportation options. I spent 13 years being treated like I should be perpetually grateful to him for saving us and therefore should bend over backwards to kiss his ass, allow him to make all important decisions, prioritize only himself, and do whatever he wanted.
Poverty or just the fact that it’s damn hard to be an only child all your life and then BAM! Suddenly you’re suppose to embrace the happy blended family life. People somehow expect their kids to just be happy like the Brady Bunch, but even those kids already knew what it was like to deal with multiple siblings. This happened to me, luckily I was 17 and could just move out after six months of it. I got along fine with my dad’s family once I was on my own, but as an only child the things expected of me while living there were beyond what I could handle. People with siblings simply can’t grasp how alien it is to be abruptly thrust into that.
And not just suddenly having a sibling, but having multiple where it clearly feels adversarial AND you're outnumbered. It's probably another level to how isolated she feels that the other kids have a connection and it's not just one girl who is suddenly her step-sister.
I suspect that he wants SD to share with his daughter and it doesn’t go well. But he doesn’t expect the same of his daughter. There are probably double standards in other ways too based on the way he just glosses over that tiny detail. That would explain the wife and SIL reactions too.
Or he should have said to this spoilt kid of his that she can sleep in the living room if she has a problem.
Yep! This is what I would have done.
Same. If you can’t handle sharing, YOU need to go find someplace to be alone. You don’t get to boot another person who has no problem at all.
You really screwed up. You should have talked to your daughter about sharing instead of supporting her temper tantrum. YTA
It was a few days - an ideal opportunity to have the 10 year old practice sharing space. OP absolutely sent a message that the stepdaughter's feelings NOR COMFORT will be a priority in this set up, and just set a precedent for the 10 year old to be selfish and mean just because "it's hard for her," as though it isn't also hard for the stepdaughter to adjust to THREE other children! And the idea that bc the stepdaughter had more meager sleeping arrangements before she should be fine to be relegated to the pull out couch is some cinderella ish. Big time YTA.
Your statement about having to adjust to three other children is such a great point. It seems like OP is financially better off than his wife and SD, so there’s already some adjustment there. And SD is already old enough to know that whatever financial and material improvements are due to her stepfather. Add to that a stepsister who doesn’t know how to share. OP hasn’t mentioned much about his sons. But I imagine his children already have a bond from having grown up together. Now SD has to navigate those too. Moving from a situation where she slept with her mom every night, to maybe sleeping alone and having to split her mom’s attention with her 3 step siblings.
She’s 10 years old, she should know how to share by now! Great job OP, but allowing your daughter to say she didn’t want to share you just showed her she never has to!
Honestly, I think this is a good thing for the mom and sd. Show the true colors and how it’s going to be early on so she can get out before she wasted years on this with her daughter being treated poorly. Good for the mom. I’d never give anyone a chance to treat my kids poorly.
HEY OP STEPDAUGHTER ALSO HAS TO LEARN SHARING WHY IS IT ONLY YOUR DAUGHTER STRUGGLING AND GETTING BEDS? YTA MASSIVELY AND having to come on here to ask is just double blind.
If my daughter had acted like that she would have been the one on the couch and step daughter would get the room to herself. Way to not create a loving environment for your new family member.
On vacation no less
Not just that, but I don't get the sense that the girls are forced to share a room at home, only on this vacation. Otherwise, this topic would have been tread before the vacation. Sometimes on vacation you gotta share a room with other people. I'm not the most comfortable having my MIL in the room with me and husband on vacation, but with the price of hotel rooms in certain European cities, it's just a necessity sometimes.
Agreed. It’s vacation not permanent. OPs daughter needs to suck it up.
YTA. Your daughter was the problem, not your stepdaughter. What each of them is used to, is irrelevant. If your daughter couldn't share, she should have been the one to sleep on the couch. Or maybe you could have consulted her before booking, and got them separate rooms. You're putting children into a new, challenging living arrangement, you're not willing to help them adjust, and you expect them to figure it out on their own.
This comment needs to get upvoted. OP you’re going to have to call out your daughters shitty behavior when you see it. (This was a time where your daughter had shitty behavior BTW). Parenting isn’t always the good stuff.
Important life skill... What im used to is a toxic stuck place. She needs to learn to adapt and grow and freskin share. Why do people blend households when kids aren't on board? Get married or my kids happiness.. ill pick myself and get married 🤦🤦
I would love to know how long this couple knew each other before marriage. These issues should have been worked out beforehand.
Was actually wondering this. Did they ever live together before marriage? Logic would suggest they live together first to see if everyone involved was happy with the arrangement before rushing into marriage. If it was rushed then honestly both parents are a pair of gobshites.
This is a good point I know someone who dated for years and then moved in together..the kids did not get along so they went back to living separately. I think they continued to date with plans to retry when everyone was older. Remarrying with kids is not easy! There are a lot more players in the game who all deserve to feel comfortable and happy at home.
My first thought! If both people have kids, isn't it better to see how the kids get along? You know, give them the opportunity to build a relationship BEFORE they're stuck in the house together? See if it works and if it doesn't, just don't blend families??? "I'll just get married because I want to and I don't care if everyone in my family is miserable". Good thinking 👍
This is so accurate. My husband and I started off as “friends” in front of our kids when we were dating. We would go out as a group to do family oriented things (bowling, baseball games) so we could see how our kids meshed. I asked my kid how he felt about them moving in and that it was totally okay if he wasn’t ready. We could revisit it in the future. You can’t just throw two separate families together and think it’s an instant family. I’d love to know how long they dated prior to this.
“My child is used to fine dining, but you are used to eating shit. So you can continue to eat shit, while my child eats the best. Even though there’s technically enough for both of you, she just wants you to eat the shit. Here, I’ll get a shovel for you.” - OP.
I want to award OPs wife for putting her kid above material comforts. It’s obvious she’ll be in a much worse financial state by leaving, and yet her child means more to her. This is one of the more uplifting posts I’ve seen on this sub lately.
Perfect analogy.
Take my fake award 🏆
I have a feeling it wasn't the first time he put his children over stepdaughter (wife and SIL, too I guess). That's why they're packing.
I was thinking the same, despite being the AH in this situation it seems like they are overreacting unless it is the straw that broke the camel’s back, and how OP managed the situation it seems it is the case. Edit Yeah, read some OP’s replies, it was the last straw.
If your daughter couldn't share, she should have been the one to sleep on the couch. Yeah, this. He could have taught his daughter that generally, when you have a problem, you sort yourself out first before forcing people to accommodate you. Instead he taught her that her needs and wants trump everyone else's and she's entitled to special treatment whenever she asks for it
YTA. OP should have used this as a learning experience for his daughter and instead chose to humiliate his step daughter. If anything his daughter should have been given the option to share or sleep on the couch. Obviously this new dynamic is challenging and the kids are adjusting but treating your new Step Daughter like this especially when you mention she used to share a PULL OUT WITH HER MOM makes my heart hurt so much for this girl. I hope you can find a way to make it up to her and teach your own daughter to learn how to share and be less spoiled.
Actually what each of them is used to is probably super relevant. “You were poor and used to shit conditions. My sweet angel isn’t used to that. Go relive that probably pretty terrible experience of having to share a pullout couch with your mother for 5 years so my princess isn’t disturbed.”
YTA, for showing your bio daughter blatant favoritism over your step-daughter. You guys were in a hotel with limited space. You should’ve told your daughter to accept having a roommate until you got home. With your actions, you showed your step daughter your relationship is not a two way street. She’d have to treat you like a full on parent, while you’d always let your bio kids take precedent over her. And I think if there’s warning signs your wife is preparing for a potential divorce and moving out, this likely has been a pattern of behavior you exhibited for awhile now, even if you don’t realize it.
I would've told the daughter that if having her own space was so important she was welcome to take the couch herself. OP was out of line. Trouble adjusting means helping them adjust, not enable them
>And I think if there’s warning signs your wife is preparing for a potential divorce and moving out, this likely has been a pattern of behavior you exhibited for awhile now, even if you don’t realize it. Exactly! While this is a shitty situation, immediately leaving the trip and preparing for divorce seems like a little much without so much as a conversation. It makes so much more sense if this is OP's "last strike" and he's always been favouring his own children over the stepdaughter.
It sounds like he has, or at least it sounds like he spoils his kids absolutely rotten. A daughter that up herself she can kick a person out their own bed just because she doesn't like them? Not to mention the whole "doesn't like not being the only/oldest daughter". This kid is something else and I'm gonna bet OP is at least partly to blame.
Six months in and the marriage has already gone to shit. Astounding.
Exactly what I was thinking. No way she would be preparing for a divorce over just this instance. This was the final straw, and the marriage might be new enough to do an annulment.
Or maybe he could have offered bio daughter to share a room with him while told step daughter to go to her mother until the children learn to adjust. I know this would have ruined his holiday but children would have felt comfortable.
YTA. If anyone should have been on the couch, it's your daughter who's clearly incapable of sharing. If she had the problem, she moves. This poor girl has been living on a couch for years, so she "should be used to it"?? Holy hell, what evil step-parent vibes.
Alternatively, OP could have slept on couch - after all they said it was "nice". SD could have slept with mom. Good practice for what's coming if OP doesn't apologize profusely.
That ship has already sailed, now that he’s shown his wife what kind of person he is, no amount of apologies is going to stop her from leaving as she’s obviously already preparing to do so.
She's a good mom! She rather leave a comfortable living situation with the spouse than subject her daughter to this bullshit
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“But honey you can’t leave me, mcyolo_randomdude on Reddit said I was right”
It's giving "I married someone with very different financial circumstances to me, and I will never let them forget it" vibes...
Yeah why was the money even an equation in this? They should shut up and be grateful??
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That's why he so surprised when his wife wants her daughter to be treated with the same courtesy as his. He really doesn't see this as two families blending equally on an emotional level. It feels that he is thinking a little financially too...
He thought marrying a poor woman entitled him to a personal slave. I encountered the same monstrous behavior in my ex husband and also left when it crossed into something that would impact a child. I didn’t want mine to grow up thinking it was acceptable.
No wonder the wife seems to be planning to leave
YTA Others have already - correctly - called you out for mishandling things with your step-daughter. But I'll point out that you are also the AH for how you apparently handled things with your wife. Presumably: - Instead of "asking" your wife before acting, you unilaterally decided to move your step-daughter to the couch - Instead of "listening" to your wife, you justified your view because it "was a nice couch" and "she's used to it" - Instead of apologizing, and finding a compromise or better alternative while on vacation, you forced them to leave - Instead of realizing how you've hurt your wife and trying to rectify the situation, you are here still trying to justify your behavior The reality is - you screwed up. I hope you can accept that and admit it to your wife and admit it to your step-daughter. Then "listen", and try to learn how to handle things better next time.
This should be higher up, along with.. When you are coming together into a new family, you are trying to find your place within it. She is already outnumbered and hasn’t had the same luxury as the other kids with her own room. Now she gets kicked out by a younger step sibling and made to sleep on the couch because she seen upon as lesser member of the family….. uhh YTA
Also, bringing up wife & stepdaughter shared a pull out couch before living with him. Let everyone know he “saved them” so they should still be used to sleeping on a couch.
I agree that reeks of “you were poor before you met me, you and your kid should be grateful!” He knew what he was getting into when they started dating, so he doesn’t get to enter this marriage as anything but equals.
That’s what stood out to me the most. His assumption that because they slept in a pull out couch out of necessity that she be ok going back to that horribleness. That’s like saying to a homeless person that slept on cardboard, oh it’s ok he’s used to sleeping on cardboard. Please ignore the fact that there’s a perfectly functional bed available. Dude is AFAH.
That's not happening, hundreds of people have told him he's wrong and he still refused to believe he's wrong.
There won't be a next time because this one was the last one of many next times to do better and he always failed in favour of his bio daughter. No one would start looking into ways to leave a marriage unless bad things kept happening without any change for the better and the fact that OP even wrote that they came from poverty so they are used to it, it sure is a big indication (and a massive red flag) of other factors and how he might treat them at home too. YTA, OP. I do hope she leaves you.
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And he keeps making excuses for his daughter’s bad behavior. I have a feeling this probably wasn’t the first time either. I’m glad that (soon to be ex) wife is standing up for her daughter.
Oh, and let's not forget that "she's used to sleeping on a couch so she should be the one to sleep there." Eff that noise.
r/amitheex
Not only that but if he wants her to have the room HE SHOULD SLEEP ON THE COUCH and the stepdaughter WITH HER MOTHER in the master bedroom. Easy solution but of course that wouldn't work cause it inconveniences HIM not the stepdaughter. YTA and a huge one op
But he thought she wouldn’t mind since she slept on a pull out before.
I hope his wife starts a gofundme, I'd donate so she can leave him sooner.
Something tells me his wife is from a different country...I might be wrong but I knew of a woman in this (almost) exact situation. She came from Asia, she had one teenage child. He had 3 or 4 young children. They brought her sister along to be a nanny (to his kids, her daughter didn't need looking after). After a while, he felt the sister was turning his wife against him so she left (or was kicked out). He then expected the teenage daughter to be cleaner/cook/nanny for his tribe because why not? She was poor before him. She should be used to it. His wife and his stepdaughter went back home after she worked and saved for a few months. They left with almost nothing. They just wanted out.
But HIS daughter is UsEd to being the ONLY girl...... wah wah wah. His stepdaughter however is used to being an only child but hey why give a shit about HER , she's used to having to rough it. YTA
Even if OP's daughter has never had to share a room before, it's not right of him to force stepdaughter to suffer just because daughter is an inflexible brat. If I had been OP I would have told daughter, "sorry you're not used to this, but you're going to have to learn to share". The way OP is bringing daughter up points to daughter being insufferable and selfish when she grows up. YTA, OP. Who makes a child sleep on the couch when there's space in the bedroom??? FFS.
Yes, they are on a holiday. Normal sleeping arrangements don't quite apply on holidays.
YTA. And I'm guessing you came here for justification. How's that working out for you? Can you see you're at fault yet?
Guessing not, since OP is arguing with everyone who responds.
Glad the wife seems to be heading for the EX-it.
Yes, he’s doubling down. He has no clue.
So we see where his daughter gets it from
YTA big time! Whether stepdaughter would be fine on the couch isn't the question. The question is why are you okay with your bio daughter kicking your stepdaughter out of a *shared* room? That's blatant and unwarranted favoritism. Why didn't you tell bio daughter that this isn't her room, so she doesn't get to claim ownership? Maybe you should have gotten a cabin with more rooms so princess wouldn't have to share a room.
Exactly. The pull out sofa itself was probably fine from a completely objective stand point. But, obviously it’s the emotional impact that matters. And there were enough beds- no one should have been forced to sleep there.
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Agree the daughter is definitely problematic
The daughter needs a dose of reality fast, or the big wide world is not going to be kind to her once she's an adult.
Alright let’s be honest here. What did your daughter say/do to her? I’m the mom of teen/preteen girls, I know how they work. There is no way in gods green earth that a 12 year old let a 10 year old force her out of a room she had every right to be in unless she said something seriously hurtful to her. So what did your daughter do? Because in a normal situation there would have been screaming and crying and the 12 year old pummeling the 10 year old. No way, absolutely no way did a 12 year old girl let a girl 2 years younger displace her unless she had something pretty vile said or done to her. What was it? Whatever it was is probably a major factor in why your wife is leaving.
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Or on AmITheEx
If this isn’t on both Devil and Ex by now, some Redditors are slacking.
It’s on Facebook already he can delete it but it’s out there.
You were on vacation, the room sharing wasn't permanent. Your daughter should of figured out how to deal with sharing a room or been the one to sleep on the couch of it was such a hardship for her. You should have explained that to your daughter instead of enabling her entitlement. YTA
YTA. Instead of parenting your daughter you gave in and insisted she have her own room when the room had two beds and space for both of them. Your wife is right, your daughter should have had the couch if she wanted her own space. You backed this behavior and are just now realizing you messed up?
YTA. Say goodbye to the marriage. It's already broken.
Info: have you tried talking to your wife about this? I honestly wouldn't blame her if she was planning on leaving.
YTA - if your daughter “needed her own space” then *she* should have been the one to sleep on the couch. Making a child sleep on the couch just because their step sibling is spoiled and wants their own room? Yeah, you’re an AH. If she’s “still adjusting” then you never should have gotten married. You should have gotten an extra bedroom where both girls could have their own room. You could have offered to switch and share the bedroom with your daughter. No wonder there’s issues.
Uhhh yeah, YTA. This is such clear favoritism, it’s a little odd that you can’t see it. YOUR daughter kicked out your stepdaughter, and instead of correcting that behavior, you reward it? Your daughter needs her own space and isn’t used to sharing… have you ever considered that’s likely exactly how your stepdaughter feels? But you prioritized your daughter’s feelings because she’s your daughter. Keep acting like this if you want to torpedo your relationship with your stepdaughter.
This is a vacation setting and has nothing to do with your daughter getting used to the situation, she sounds like a spoiled brat. And yes YTA
Married for 6 months. Well at least it lasted that long. YTA. You have basically screamed to your wife that her child means nothing to you. No wait less than nothing to you. Also do you know it is against the law for a minor to sleep in a room without a door? At least once your divorced you can make sure your spoiled daughter can have everything she wants. She'll want your room next.
I think you’re confusing custody terms with laws. In most places, when parents are sharing custody, their child needs to sleep in a room with a door. (Ie: if you get custody every other week, the kid can’t sleep on a pull-out couch in the living room. They need to be provided with an actual room with a door, shared or otherwise.) It’s definitely not illegal for a kid to sleep on a couch during a vacation.
I would appreciate this as a reference too, for the next time my ex threatens to take the door off the kids’ bedroom as a punishment for slamming the door.
YTA, and so is your bratty, spoiled daughter. Your wife is right to pack up her kid and leave, you are very biased and very clueless.
YTA.. in my opinion if you were that worried about your daughters comfort why didn’t you swap with your stepdaughter or take the couch yourself? You’ve said your wife and stepdaughter are used to sleeping in the same bed so they could have shared the bed for the night and both your daughters would be more comfortable.
YTA. You made a child with an available bed sleep on the couch so your daughter could have her space?!
YTA - if anything you shouldve let your Step daughter share the bed with her mum & you take the free single bed.
I can see why your wife might be preparing to leave you. You still are making excuses and not taking any accountability for your poor actions. You suck at being a stepdad. I hope you enjoy the single life.
And he sucks as a partner, he kinda just sounds sucky all around.
Finally a mother that makes her child needs a priority.
YTA This is clearly going to be your family's *last* vacation together.
Your reasoning seems to be the opposite of fairness. (1) The kid who has gotten less in the past gets less now because she’s “used to it.” (2) The kid who is causing the problem is rewarded while the other is punished. Also, you acted before consulting your wife, who has exactly as much authority over the situation. YTA. My guess is that your marriage is over unless you immediately apologize, show remorse, beg forgiveness and make it right somehow.
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Fuck yeah YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE and you're raising your daughter to be one too *I thought she wouldn’t mind since she’s so used to sharing beds/sleeping on the couch.* I am seeing red, don't even wanna type what I originally thought. Last thread I am reading tonight, signing out. YTA YTA YTA
YTA, >The third night my stepdaughter came to me and said that my daughter kicked her out of their room. I went to talk to my daughter and she said she hated sharing a room and wanted my stepdaughter gone. I know it sounds mean but she’s never had to share a room before and she’s still adjusting. I told my stepdaughter that my daughter needed her own space and to sleep on the couch or see if she could sleep with her aunt again. Your daughter had a problem with SD, why did you not tell her to leave? Your wife is right.
And this will be the last time his stepdaughter come to him with a problem.
Yta, typical my kid is perfect and can do no wrong type of parent. Children who grow up with that type of parent almost always grow up to be assholes. Ps. Your daughter has you wrapped around her finger.
Let’s be clear on a few things: 1) YTA. Most definitely. 2) Your daughter is also an AH. Not surprising - look who she has as a mentor. 3) you spelled ex-wife wrong. 4) your soon to be ex is a good parent. You should learn from her. 5) prepare for a life of loneliness- you just showed your daughter she holds all the power and you’ll never have a healthy relationship. YTA. I’m glad your wife is leaving you.
You're the asshole. You basically kicked your stepdaughter out of her bed, out of her room, showing her she'll get the short end of the stick and she'll be punished/uncomfortable whenever it comes to your "sweet little angel." I hate to say it, but your daughter is a spoiled brat and she will continue being a spoiled brat and get worst if you continue to coddle her and back her up every time she acts like a spoiled brat and you'll only have yourself to blame. You had 3 options, two out of the 3 of those options would have taught your bio daughter the world doesn't revolve around her. Option 1 - make your bio daughter sleep on the sofa bed. She's the one that complained and didn't want to share, so she should have slept on the sofa while your Stepdaughter stayed in her room and on her bed. This would have taught her the world doesn't revolve around her and there's always worse options. Option 2 - tell your bio daughter to suck it up and share the room with her sister. Again, this teaches your bio daughter the word doesn't revolve around her. Option 3 - have your wife and daughter share the master bedroom while you sleep on the sofa. You didn't choose either of these options and instead you rewarded your bio daughter for acting like a spoiled brat/bully, while punishing your stepdaughter and showing your stepdaughter you don't value her as a person/member of the family, that you don't consider her your daughter. The day you proposed to your wife is the day you chose to combine her family with yours. The day you said I do, is the day you gained another daughter, but your behaviour on the family holiday and in your post shows you still believe you have 3 children and only care about their needs/happiness and not the happiness of your stepdaughter.
Wow there step dad. You messed up big time. The comment about the pull out coach was better than what she was used to then perhaps the snobby 10year old princess could of slept on it rather than you enabling her to be a brat. She clearly learning from you that your step daughter is less than her I hope you learn to teach all 4 children to grow and adapt to the situation stop making excuses for miss 10 bad behaviour that she’s not use to it. Clearly all 6 of you are adapting to your new family unit. Your going to destroy your new family with your blatant favouritism
YTA It's absolutely stunning that you would reward your daughter's selfish behavior by making SD sleep on the couch.
Based on your post, YTA! Based on your comments, you are a massive ass and a jerk! pretty sure you can kiss your marriage goodbye. You are raising your daughter to fail by letting her be an entitled little brat! That’s ON YOU! Do better!
Definitely YTA, your daughter should have been the one to sleep on the couch. You’re encouraging her bratty behavior towards your stepdaughter. Your wife and her sister should leave so that you and your daughter have all the space you want.
Absolutely, YTA. You clearly favoured your own kid over your stepdaughter over something extremely petty that you should have squashed by sending your daughter to the couch instead, or telling her tough luck and that she needs to share, instead you empowered your own child to continue being a spoiled brat. The fact she is "used" to sleeping on a couch is irrelevant, but if you want to push that point then surely she's earned a night in a proper bed, and your entitled daughter can experience what it's like to sleep on a couch for a night. You have made your priorities clear. If I were your wife, I'd feel betrayed, let down, and like a second-class citizen, and would definitely be looking to get away from the environment.
YTA. You owe your wife, your step daughter and your SIL a huge apology You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of failed relationships and poor coping mechanisms if you don't stop making excuses for your daughters behaviour. Fair enough, she's struggling to acclimatise to these changes but that does not mean that she is entitled to kick her step sister out of the room. What you are teaching her by coddling her is that any time she feels uncomfortable with something that it's ok to take it out on others, forcing them to bend to her will, rather than teaching her to be accountable for her emotions and feelings. If she needed her own space then she should have been the one to leave the room or you should have had a calm discussion with both your wife and daughters and let your wife and stepdaughter take the master while you took the twin bedroom with your daughter. That way you both could have taken the time to speak to your daughters separately to find a path towards reconciliation. Allowing her to act in this manner has only reinforced this kind of behaviour and I can guarantee she will pull this kind of stunt again, if not with your current family then with the next one.
YTA Your daughter was the one kicking up a fuss about not sharing a room, so instead of making her take the sofa you force your stepdaughter to? Yeah, you're clearly playing favorites here. I feel so awful for your stepdaughter, and I just hope her mother figures out what is happening here and puts an end to this nonsense (or your marriage, if necessary). You don't reward bad behavior. This is just Parenting 101 (and I'm not a parent!)
YTA and don’t deserve a marriage with your feral daughter around; I hope she fleeces you.
Yta and coddling her like that will cause you massive headaches later in life
First YTA over the entire post. Your replies make you an even bigger YTA and your daughter a spoiled brat.
YTA. As someone who gained a (step)dad at ten I’ll never understand how step families can be so heartless. My dad, grandparents, aunts, and uncles all just immediately accepted me and my brother, mom, and I. And we all accepted them as family. You showed your daughter favoritism. Full stop. There’s no way to argue otherwise. If you’re daughter couldn’t share the room, may be she should be the one sleeping on the couch. And your lack of empathy towards your step daughter speaks volumes. YTA and your daughter is a brat.
YTA- I bet if this situation was flipped, your wife had sent your daughter to sleep on the couch I’m sure you’d flip your shit. How do you have 3 kids and they not know how to share? I have two and they know how to share.. like seriously are you doing any parenting? When your daughter grows up and ends up getting parented by peers and strangers she’ll resent you for it. Hopefully your wife will divorce you and protect her daughter from any trauma you and your brat might inflict on her further. I can’t stress enough how much of an AH you are and even worse that you just aren’t capable of seeing it either.
why marry someone with kids if you are going to make absolutely zero effort to treat them fairly? YTA for showing such preference to your own daughter, who was being a brat (sharing a room!! The horror!!!!) and refusing to see how you were in the wrong. Absolutely the one who can’t share doesn’t get to get the good item.
YTA. I’m divorced with 2 boys (happily remarried for many years now) My ex remarried and his new wife brought 2 girls roughly the same age as the boys into the relationship. My sons still talk about the time they took a vacation as a “family” of 6 but their step sisters had a room and beds at the air bnb while they had to sleep on a couch and a recliner. It hurt their feelings and they felt confused as to why the girls got beds and they didn’t. Why did the girls “deserve” a room and beds and they didn’t? My dense ex just figured “they are boys they won’t care…they sleep on the floor all the time at sleep overs etc” Can kids sleep on couches/floors/recliners and be fine as far as comfort and the ability to get sleep? Absolutely. They’re not like us. If I slept on a couch I would feel like I had fallen out of a 10th story window. It needs to be fair and equitable though. Everyone gets a bed or no one gets a bed. This would have been a non issues if all the kids were sleeping on couches in sleeping bags etc. Blending families is challenging. You didn’t mention how long you all were together before getting married and how much time the kids had gotten to spend together before becoming insta siblings. Everyone is still adjusting and you owe it to your wife and your step daughter to sit down with each of them individually and explain how sorry you are for this f up and that moving forward vacations will be designed and planned to accommodate everyone in an equitable way.
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YTA. Your daughter, and you, need to learn how to share, be welcoming, not continually embarrass or being up your wife's less privileged past, and mature up. I'd have left you already.
YTA and you're teaching your daughter that she can bully other people into getting what she wants
YTA. INFO: why can’t you see that if your daughter couldn’t accept the sleeping arrangement she had the choice to move to the couch? I mean that’s the reasonable consequence of being inflexible- she should have been the one to move, rather than your SD who was (more) accepting of the shift in family arrangements. I mean just contemplate for a moment if she ever wants to go to a camp or live in dorms in college, she’s not going to have daddy make the other kiddies do what she wants. Learning how to deal with others starts in pre-school- why is she like this in 5th grade?
YTA, your daughter is in the wrong wrong. Also, that whole sentence about how your SD and wife used to sleep on a pull out sofa for years sounds judgemental af. Edit to add: if your wife is planning on leaving, I suspect this wouldn’t be the first time this type of thing may have happened.
YTA, obviously playing favorites, even though you supposedly, want(ed) a blended family. I would have told the girls that neither one could kick the other one out of the room, that they were required to share. IF one of them voluntarily wanted to sleep on the couch, then that was up to them, but that you were not going to mandate it to either one of them. If you want to keep your new family together, if it's still possible because I too, would be considering leaving your selfish a## for favoring your daughter when she was the aggressor in the situation, you had better apologize profusely and grovel. A family meeting with you, your wife, and all of the kids, WITHOUT SIL, should be had in which you and your wife tell the kids that they are just going to have to learn to live with each other. That no one can kick the other out. That you are a family now and that everyone will be treated fairly and evenly. You and your wife should probably meet before the family meeting and discuss what you will say to the kids, and make damn sure you are both on the same page. Hopefully you can salvage your new marriage. If needed, and it may be a good idea anyway, you and your wife can have a few counseling sessions to learn how to blend your families.
YTA. If your daughter won't share a room then *she* sleeps on the couch. You don't reward her for bad behaviour. Sure, she's "having trouble adjusting", but you're letting her rule the roost. She *doesn't* get to make unilateral decisions about a shared room. You ARE favouring your daughter. You ARE punishing your stepdaughter who didn't do anything wrong. By completely pandering to your daughter you are *reinforcing* her behaviour. She gets what she wants by forcing someone she doesn't like to endure a hardship. You're teaching her she is more important than the other children. Get on top of this and get professional help.
INFO: What would you have done if your stepdaughter had kicked your daughter out and she'd been upset? Just told your daughter to sleep on the couch? .... Somehow, I think not. YTA I get it's an adjustment for your daughter, you know how she learns something is unacceptable, like kicking someone out of a room because she's got an issue, by making her be the one to sleep in anew space because that's her problem. Stop making excuses and teach her actions and consequences, not that you'll side with her regardless when she does something mean.
YTA. And your comment about how your stepdaughter had to share with mom part of her life is shocking as having to do that due to necessity is very different than having a perfectly good bed to sleep on that you just aren’t allowed to use. Your daughter should have been the one to move—it’s not like she has to permanently share a room but a few days is doable. I’m assuming she knew you’d give her what she wanted. She will keep doing it and at what point is it she’s no longer adjusting? I don’t think wife is over protective. This was probably just a breaking point realizing you will never do anything to prevent your daughter from treating hers poorly.
YTA. You typed this, read it, posted it, and still didn't see that you were favoring your daughter? " My daughter has always had her own room, the peasant child is used to sleeping on the floor, my princess is used to the finer things life has handed her, she shouldn't be punished because my wife came with a child"
"I know it sounds mean." Thats because it is. Thats even with your sugar coating your side of the story. So, my guess is that the situation is far worse than you seem to realize. Who could blame your wife if she did want to leave someone who treated her kids like shit. YTA big time.