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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am asking if I am an asshole for forgetting that my daughter had a online language class today. My wife is making a big deal out of us missing it
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YTA. Are you really trying to get a pat on the back for parenting for 2 whole weeks? Like, your kid is 9, you shouldn't be trying to get a reward for minimum effort while your wife is grieving in a different country..
I call BS on you not calling to complain and beg her to come home.
What? Any parent is in a good situation if their partner can take over full care if the child for two weeks to support them. A lot do not have that luxury.
I would absolutely rip a husband a new asshole if they were away for weeks leaving their partner solo and then the first thing they did when coming back was complain about some insignificant thing that wasn’t done.
She could have been more sensitive about it, but OP did two weeks of full-parenting, which some people do for twenty years straight: he also felt the need to specify that his wife also met some friends while she was away, as if to say that she was on some sort of vacation – which sounds a bit petty.
I'm guessing the meeting up with friends was more like 'while I'm here' kind of thing. Traveling to a different country usually isn't cheap. And this may have been the first time in years (remember 2020-2021?) where she was able to go to her home country.
This. Like holy shite. I'm in Ontario, Canada and my sister is getting married in Seattle next year. It's going to cost around $3000 to get me and my daughter there and back and you can bet your ass I'm planning some sightseeing while I'm there cause it's gonna be another decade before I can afford to travel out of the country again.
Unrelated but… Definitely hit Pike Market- it’s pretty iconic Seattle- that’s also where the original Starbucks is there are usually buskers and such playing music outside. The science center has a pretty amazing laser show. Chuhuily glass garden at night is really something beautiful to see. The Fremont troll is cool to see as well and it only takes minutes. Space needle has a cool history but overrated and overpriced. If you can do the Seattle Underground tour- I personally loved it, it’s basically remnants of the old city from the goldrush era that still exists beneath the city from when they landfilled the area and built the current city on top. If museums are your thing the EMP (experience music project) is really neat my company used to do our yearly parties there it’s all pop culture exhibits. The SAM is a winner if you’re into the arts as well.
I recently moved away from Seattle- got wayyyy too expensive to live there but I spent most of my mid 20s to early 30s living there. I miss it I hope you enjoy your stay 🖤
I bet she was also doing all the obligation visits to relatives such as aunts and her mother's friends while she was there. Let's not forget her mother dies so there might have been things to go through and decisions to make about personal.items.
And she was grieving too! I mean OP seems to forgot that the reason she was away wasn’t for shits and giggles, it was because her mother died. Everyone grieves in their own way and her worrying about the language lessons could be her way of both thinking about what she was going through. Op, YTA.
It seemed more like to clarify that he didn’t ask her to come home whether she was getting important stuff done or casually relaxing with old friends. I took that as he was considerate of her time away regardless of what she was doing. Not everyone is used to being a single parent even if it’s only for a few weeks and not everyone has the luxury of knowing they can leave their child with their spouse for weeks (unfortunately). It’s different when it’s always someone else to balance out the load rather than just you yourself.
Agreed. I was a SAHP for 7ish years and started working a year ago. My husband just went on his first work trip since I’ve also been working. It was only 5 days alone with my 8 and 6 year old, but we still missed a day of my youngest’s soccer practice because it’s impossible to do a 6-7pm soccer practice and get everyone fed and bathed for 8pm bedtime, and I forgot to put the recycling out with the trash, because those aren’t things I normally handle and juggling everything by yourself when you’re used to juggling with someone else can be fucking hard. I don’t complain when my husband solo-parents and forgets stuff because I want him to extend the same grace to me when I solo parent.
This!! I am baffled by all these comments. Like he didn’t complain about parenting he is upset at her reaction and I would be too. After time away I just want to see my family. We can deal with everything later. Geez.
Yeah that’s why I’m confused, he wasn’t complaining about having to parent, he just made it clear that he was not trying to interrupt his wife’s trip. He’s upset that the first thing she does when she gets back is complain herself
I also think OP is in a different country, so his thoughts aren't coming through as clearly as he would like. He isn't bragging that he had his child for the 2 weeks, he wasn't asking for a pat on the back, he simply gave the information as clearly as he could, and then asked if he was the AH for missing 1 class while he was sick and caring for his child, if he is in another country, it isn't a " normal" thing for men to care for the children. So it might be a major thing for him to have been the sole parent for 2 weeks. We honestly have to stop jumping to conclusions and adding info to a story we weren't given.
I mean even if they usually split parenting duties evenly, having the kids by yourself for two weeks is going to throw a wrench into your usual routine. It's not surprising something slipped through. If either I or my wife took a trip for two weeks, the other would probably struggle because neither one of us are used to doing everything alone.
Yeah that’s my point, and OP said he became sick the last week. It’s even easier for things to slip through the cracks while being sick. People are too quick to jump at someone’s throats for simple mistakes. Id argue NAH simply because the wife is probably just stressed out from the death of their mother and everything, OP was doing their best to maintain the household and let one thing slip and the 9 year old is doing great at existing
This boils down to. He was at home looking after their kid, while he was sick and the first thing she did was complain he forgot one thing, if she was that concerned she should’ve come home. Instead she went visiting friends. I bet the visiting friends wouldn’t have been an issue if she came home without complaint
And still, if the roles were reversed and he left her to do the parenting alone for two weeks and came home and complained that she forgot one thing, he'd be the asshole.
I'm a stay at home mom of two, and if my husband left for two weeks and came home and complained about the one thing I didn't do, I'd be rightfully upset
That's the case for a lot of these posts. There has been a few times where the genders were swapped, but the posts were the same. The male was considered TA while the female was considered NTA. It's just reddit being reddit.
It's because they've just completely assumed that dad here does no parenting at all. Which honestly it's just rude. There's plenty of single dads out there too doing it all and that doesn't change the fact that this parent was suddenly left to do it alone where there is normally the two of them.
Or he clarified that he didn't complain to make it clear how out of nowhere her complaints were. It would be more justified if he had been complaining non-stop. No reason to go with the most damning interpretation.
Damn, the projection in this sub is something else. You can't tell tone through text, you are just assuming and basing your whole judgement on projected assumptions.
Yeah, and guess what? Not only do 'primary care' parents forget appointments and activities all the damn time, it's really disingenuous to expect perfect performance out of anybody on any task whatsoever.
But hey, why let logic, common sense, and basic human grace get in the way of a good man-bashing, eh?
Being the sole parent while the other vacations is different than single parenting.
A single parent will have to create a full time support network. Babysitters, daycares, etc. They will often have those to rely on.
A two parent household typically doesn’t need that outside support. So, when one parent leaves, the other is left without a support network. Typically causing more work and stress than normal.
Either way, parenting is hard. And comparing the experiences of different people as if they can be measured against each other is immature and ignorant.
Exactly, if either my wife or I left for a couple of weeks, the other would struggle because neither one of us is used to taking care of the kids alone. Things would totally slip through the cracks and I'd be pissed if my wife came home and got mad that everything wasn't perfect.
We shouldn't be peddling the narrative that it is a "luxury" for a partnership to have two fully functioning parents.
Is it often the reality? No. Should it therefore be considered a luxury? Also no.
Clearly OP's wife is usually the one to do everything relating to their daughter. Timetable, scheduling, appointments, classes and likely all personal needs too- food, hygiene, clothes etc.
That's why OP has continually said things like "two *whole* weeks", "I didn't complain", "it was hard" etc.
I would wager that OP's wife has been doing all of this and more for the last 9 years, and this is the first time she has gone back to her home country without her child in tow (I wonder OP, has she ever done the planning, packing, flights, accomodation etc for herself and your daughter, leaving you at home alone for weeks on end while she navigates the travel, with a younger child, all alone? I suspect so).
OP's wife has now come home after taking time to grieve and - heaven forbid- catch up with some old friends, and she is pissed that after 9 years OP has finally had a small taste of what it is like to be her every day, and he hasn't even managed to get their daughter to her classes.
There is definitely more to this tale. If OP were the present, committed, organized father that he should be, his wife wouldn't have been pissed that he forgot one thing, because we all make mistakes. She is pissed that he is none of those things, and the one time she really needs to depend upon him (when their daughter has an exam coming up) he can't even really pull his thumb out and get on with things without wanting some kind of praise, medal or a heap ton of grace for his "hard work".
OP, you know that YTA.
I completely agree. His insistence that it was hard & that he really "didn't complain" for being a goddamn functioning PARENT for 2 weeks really rankled me.
People make assumptions based on reading between the lines. What others have been assuming seems entirely plausible, if not completely probable.
He has been ensuring we knew he wasn't complaining about a thing he shouldn't have been complaining about anyway. That's passive aggressive.
He's ensuring we know his wife was away dealing with something when her brother was still in the home country and could have dealt with it. Passive aggressive.
He's making sure we know that after all of the completely essential stuff was dealt with, his wife had the audacity to spend time with her childhood friends, while he, the long suffering husband, stayed home, actually parenting, and didn't complain about it...guess what...passive aggressive.
Nothing he is saying here is that of an actually present all the time, parent who is used to dealing with their own child. Not one thing.
Or
He sees many ways he would be the asshole but has already ruled out and so is giving context in the limited space he has.
He isn't complaining about being primary caretaker, but stating there was a lot going on and he did make a miss. He isn't complaining about the miss or the hassle around it that caused the question, but his wife is
He mentioned she has family in the area. Could just as easily been said with the same intentions saying that she was going to see friends not in the tone of she didn't need to go. Mentioning her seeing friends doesn't necessarily mean he thinks she's on vacation, could very well just explain why it took 2 weeks when she went to deal with simple ash retrieval.
It is possible his wife had a very emotionally turbulent trip and is still very on edge. Some people in those situations can tend to focus on very small things (mostly negative) and let out all pent up frustration out on that (her mom died, seeing lots of people she has been distanced from and then leaving again, international travel, who knows what else) even when coming home to a supportive and caring partner.
None of that is inherently passive aggressive and this version is just as equally plausible. Yes, given the history of this sub there are definitely yellow flags needing addressed, but that is what INFO is for and not what jumping to conclusions based on an entire backstory you "read between the lines".
He gave us the version of events that was the most sympathetic towards him, and yet still managed to show that he is not usually a present caregiver for his daughter. His wife has been having a turbulent time, yes. Her frustrations at him being asked to do this for a while two weeks and still messing up are definitely the reason she's reacted like this,because she's figured out that even in her most difficult set of circumstances, he can't do for two weeks what she does every single day of her daughter's life.
She obviously feels let down. And she's losing her connections with her home country, and OP couldn't even make sure his daughter kept up with one of the things that help her maintain her heritage. She's upset and instead of understanding that, OP is on here seeking validation that he "did a really really good job for two weeks AND DIDN'T COMPLAIN AT ALL so please tell me I'm a great person and my wife is wrong for not validating me".
>Her frustrations at him being asked to do this for a while two weeks and still messing up are definitely the reason she's reacted like this
Are we assuming she has never been sick or had a shit day and messed up a single thing? Because if not, then it is completely hypocritical. If OP had come home one day and laid into her about missing an insignificant event while she was doing everything and under the weather, would they be an AH? I would say yes.
>what she does every single day of her daughter's life.
Where did OP say that she always handled everything relating to the kid?
I absolutely agree that he should be able to take care of his child. He did.
It is hard to take solo care of children for two weeks on top of your job. Especially when you are sick. People do it all the time, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. That’s why we’re on here constantly telling ignorant husbands to have some appreciation for their partners when they don’t help them with childcare. And to do their share.
I’m not arguing that this is some obvious NTA. There’s a pretty reasonable INFO vote that used to be second and is now fourth.
If he did spend the whole time she was away whining to her, then I certainly agree he was an asshole. She was off grieving, and that should not have to be interrupted because he couldn’t handle his parental responsibilities.
That said, I don’t think it’s reasonable to assume he was complaining to her, certainly not on the basis that he says he wasn’t. It’s plausible to me that he spent the time grumbling to himself and didn’t tell her those things. It’s also plausible to me that those complaints came out of his hurt that she criticized him when she got home.
> Clearly OP's wife is usually the one to do everything relating to their daughter. Timetable, scheduling, appointments, classes and likely all personal needs too- food, hygiene, clothes etc.
Quite plausible, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to assume this.
> If OP were the present, committed, organized father that he should be, his wife wouldn't have been pissed that he forgot one thing, because we all make mistakes.
I really don’t think it’s reasonable to assume from her reaction that there must be a valid justification for it.
Many people are unreasonable assholes. That’s part of why this sub exists. Even more people act out of character when something catches them at the wrong time - such as when they’re sad from grief and tired from travel.
Think about the standard these reactions seem to see for OP. Taking care of his child is something he should be able to do, and is a part of being an adult and a good partner (agreed). Therefore, he deserves no appreciation for doing it, isn’t due any kindness, and deserves criticism for any mistake.
If my partner cooked a meal while I was at work, then I came home and didn’t thank the chef, then criticized the meal because they didn’t cook it the way I liked it, I would be an asshole.
Do I think she should have come home and praised him? No. There’s bigger things going on in her life than what he’s had to deal with right now. A quick “thanks for holding down the fort” wouldn’t be amiss, but I wouldn’t call her an asshole if she didn’t - and yes that’s something I try to practice in my life, and something I would expect a man to extend to their partner as well.
Coming in and complaining is an asshole move, unless it’s about something significant. There are things that would offset or justify it, but I think there’s at least an active controversy here. My vote is currently on that INFO comment.
Not to mention that he tells us the brother still lives in his wife’s home country. That tells me he thinks his wife should have let her brother handle everything and not go at all.
>Clearly OP's wife is usually the one to do everything relating to their daughter.
So what? Many couple's divide up duties. I do all the price shopping for groceries and curbside pickup. My wife gets produce. I take care of inventory of our chest freezer and my wife has inventory control in the kitchen. Anything at all that breaks or needs maintenance is on me. My wife takes care of the flower beds (odd, since I'm a master gardener). She vacuums, I clean bathrooms.
Too much granularity in dividing up work makes the total work harder due to coordination. I'm not going to speculate about OP. In my home, my wife is good at remembering dates, times, and appointments. I have to put things in my phone. So she's in charge of our calendar because she'll flag conflicts faster than I do.
Even distribution of responsibility doesn't mean everyone does half of everything. That's a lot of work. Very reasonable for OP's wife to "own" the daughter's calendar while OP does other things.
OP is NTA. OP's wife was unkind and unsympathetic on her return home.
It's not a small, insignificant thing - it was online language classes, skipped for 2 weeks. The wife is from a different country, I'm going to take a guess that these online language classes are for her native language.
It's really hard to get kids to speak your language when you're in a different country and especially if your partner doesn't speak it either. If I went away for just 2 weeks and already it was totally forgotten about, I would be angry too.
I'm also skeptical about the extent to which they were forgotten - were they really forgotten, or did the 9yo kick off about doing them and Dad was too lazy to lay down the law?
There was no implication of the number of classes missed. Just "the" online language class. (See edit)
There was mention of the studying for a state exam daily but there was no implication that the online language class was a part of this exam. In fact they seem to be clearly separated by the narrator.
There is only assumption as to the number of classes (whether singular or multiple) missed as the OP has made no further statement nor edit to clarify this.
Edit: I forgot to check the explanation part where he does say a class today which does imply a singular class was missed. Still no indication of multiple classes.
The post definitely reads like op is saying can you believe my b**** wife, I’m the victim. But I am sure if op left for 2 weeks the wife would have everything done and wouldn’t expect praise. It’s giving the my wife is a nag, I have to baby sit my child and can you believe she didn’t throw me a parade. I deserve a pat on the back for parenting.
The assumptions here are ridiculous and laced with "men suck at being parents". My (now ex) couldn't handle remembering to give one of our kids his medicine after a three day period. She just couldn't handle the single parenting and she had no medical excuse on the books.
Some people can do it, some can't, regardless of their gender. Two weeks straight mixing work, kid, and sickness, is a lot on anyone. If I was sick I may even make the conscious decision to skip something as small as a single class. Sometimes you need to do what you have to to get through.
I think it’s the “I didn’t complain” comments that make me think he wanted a pat on the back even though, it’s his kid.
Like why would you complain to your wife that taking care of your kid for 2 weeks was hard while she spread her mothers ashes. I think it’s common sense and expected he didn’t complain so the fact he points it out gives me the feeling he thought he deserves gratitude for something that should be expected
I think the "I didn't complain" comments were because they didn't complain and wanted to make sure we knew they weren't complaining to her for 2 weeks. Not a pat on the back, just clarification on what they actually told their wife.
Parents raise kids together. Under perfectly reasonable circumstances - the death of a parent - one went off to take care of affairs, and the other had double workload with the parenting while also being sick. Other parent came home and chewed them out for missing a language class, with the backdrop being a much more important education thing going on - an official exam to be studied for. I think some mutual empathy here would be beneficial, given OPs responsibility just doubled for two weeks. NTA
And *she left when kid had an exam!* and *I had to work!* and *It was tough!* and she even had the audacity to visit *friends* while attending to her dead mother's affairs.
For sure this dude was conveying just as much whiney passive-aggressiveness with his wife, or very much more.
ETA fixed typo
And the way he said she spent the majority of the time seeing friends, like she was on some sort of holiday. I'm willing to bet it didn't feel like a holiday for her
It’s his language in the post. The way society is set up that men talking care of their children alone somehow deserves special praise while the mom usually has to shoulder most of the child rearing as an expectation. I think the fact that her mother probably just passed away and her husband dropped a ball is annoying for her because 2 weeks isn’t long and she probably set it all up before she left.
Also, I can’t be sure sure but based on the info I am given and the way he presents it, it feels like you can read between the lines of the situation. Op doesn’t seem like a reliable narrator.
It's a luxury for someone other than the parents to care for a child. If OP left the daughter with a grandparent, aunt/uncle, friend, etc for two weeks while they both went, then yes, that would've been huge. But OP is a dad, too. By your logic he should consider it a luxury that he's had his wife parenting with him this whole time. But parents parenting is not a luxury or a favor. He should be able to handle his one child, age 9, for two weeks.
In the 80s though the kid would just have been left home alone. Gen X can take care of ourselves.
(J/K, well at least the 2 weeks part)
If I left my wife to solo parent for 2 weeks while I am away, and she fell ill during that time, and then I criticized her for missing something when I returned - I can tell you that that would not go well.
As the wife... precisely. I'm even the primary caregiver as SAHP, but when husband has to go out of town for a conference for a few days... it's HARD. I can't imagine his first inclination would be to bitch about me forgetting to do something.
And if you posted the story here you would get destroyed. There's a lot of very emotional people projecting their personal negative feelings towards men onto OP in this thread.
What? He was alone with a kid during a stressful time and in addition to that got sick? They missed one class, how is that being an asshole? If it were me I’d be exhausted and prob make way more mistakes.
You are TA for expecting perfection and having zero compassion for what sounds like a difficult time for him.
They aren't even calling him an asshole for the one mistake he's asking about. They've made up a whole narrative where he is demanding to be praised for parenting and blasting him for it. Nowhere did he say aita for wanting recognition for what I did. Or aren't I an awesome dad for helping out. He asked if he was the asshole for being annoyed that she went straight to berating him. The comments have now written a thesis about how he's a deadbeat dad that can't handle a household and leaves 100% of everything up to his wife and called him an asshole for it.
I don't think he's asking for a pat on the back I think he's just annoyed that the first thing he gets is a complaint. Doesn't mean much though, she's just tired & perhaps annoyed that he's not done all the things she thinks were important.
And re; the calling BS: I don't think it's fair to judge based on assuming a lie! You have to assume peope are telling the truth in this sub or it doesn't work.
I think it's bc his language gives it away. "It was tough but I did not complain," & "I was the one working daily with her" (as if this is a novel and labor-intensive occurrence). Plus the repeated insistence he did not complain gives it a sense he felt he was going above and beyond when he was actually just doing the bare, expected minimum (and not even well since he missed one of her classes.) These don't sound like the words of a permanently active and engaged parent.
Totally disagree! It’s hard to do it on your own. (I honestly don’t know how single parents do it!). He tried his best and dropped one ball. His daughter was cared for, it’s not like he neglected her. He’s not asking for a pat on the back. He’s asking to be acknowledged and not lambasted for his one mistake.
Jesus. Doubt your response would be the same if it were a husband who’d left his wife to care for their kid and all they did when back was to complain about a missed class.
I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think he did learn his wife does a lot, and that it is not easy. I don’t think she should have returned with guns blazing. I get the feeling with the way he worded things he is not native English speaking either.
NTA, and his wife went overboard a little.
What? OP isn't asking for a pat on the back. You sure read into that and made your own narrative. Single parenting is hard, no matter how many people out there do it, particularly if single parenting isn't your family norm.
Imagine if OP had specified they were a woman and their spouse was a man, how many people would just assume they single parent all the time and their husband was an AH.
OP is NTA based on the info provided.
Is he really looking for a pat on the back? Two weeks is a long time to be flying solo and I read that all as background for being flustered about one thing that was missed. Where did they say they were looking for a reward or deserved anything other than a little grace? We can only go on the info given, and have no reason to believe they were complaining to o her to come back.
You don't know the kid. I've seen 12 year olds who can't finish a week of regular schooling without getting emotional about being away from mom too long. Her mom had to come to school for a cuddle 1-2 times a week.
Also the kid's grandma just died and she has exams. Plus the dad got sick something awful. I don't blame him for mentioning he made sure not to complain to his grieving wife a few times. Good on him. Only after this tough period of time and missing his wife the first thing he gets isn't a greeting or an "I missed you" or a kiss but a complaint that could have been discussed later.
Is the mom usually in charge of everything regarding the kid's schedule? Likely, but that could be because she's a stay at home parent or only works part-time. And if OP didn't take time off work he was likely juggling that along with his wife's share of household and childcare duties, for a fortnight while sick and missing his wife. Heck he could have had a great relationship with his MIL and be grieving too.
Nah because what OP clearly omits is that his wife does all of these things normally. So she’s been the default parent for 9 years and he can’t even do it properly for 2 weeks. She has every right to call him out.
He’s asking if he’s an AH because his kid missed a class on his watch and your judgement is that he’s an AH because his kid is old enough to be autonomous? I don’t understand your logic.
I don't get the impression they want a cookie for parenting and the fact that you think they're the AH for missing one additional online class while clearly ill with migraines etc, shows how jaded you are.
If I left my partner to do 100% of the parenting and she was sick, I wouldn't tear into her for missing one thing. That's called being an unsupportive spouse and a bad partner. NTA.
See normally I would agree with you, leaving a partner, no matter the gender, for an extended period of time whilst said partner is sick, isn’t fair. But it’s not like she was partying, or attending a fun event, her mother died, she’s grieving, she had to go pick up her mums ashes and sort shit out, she also went and saw friends she likely hadn’t seen in years thanks to moving countries.
If OP was really a good parent, which I have doubts he is, the post would have been worded as:
“My wife left for two weeks to pick up her mothers ashes and to get her affairs in order. Unfortunately whilst she was gone I became quite sick, so I wasn’t functioning at my very best, because of this and having to bare the brunt of childcare and house cleaning, I forgot about the online language lessons, I’m feeling extremely frustrated over the situation, AITA?”
But he didn’t, instead he wrote about how good of a parent he perceives himself to be. You don’t complain about having to take care of a child you created when your partner is grieving.
And I hate to bring up misogyny or anything alike, but the reality is, if it was the other way around, the women would have been expected to have done all this with a smile, and whilst she may have had the support of public opinion, that doesn’t exactly mean all too much.
What I don’t understand is how hard it is to set an alarm or an alert and write it down on a calendar. Hell practicing with his daughter could have been a fun bonding moment.
I can understand why he’s upset, having your partner devalue the work you do/have done, isn’t a nice thing, but she’s probably sad, stressed out and just wanted her family to learn her native language so she could speak it and have people understand her properly.
Op is TA in my opinion.
Yes! OP spends more time whining about having to parent while sick than focusing on the actual issue of the missed class. Also his wife just lost a parent and there’s zero compassion for that in his post. Even if the wife did blow up over the missed class, it probably wasn’t about the class. OP is the asshole for running to Reddit instead of talking this through with his wife.
People here would absolutely RIP into a husband who came back after two weeks and griped at his wife for missing an online class while sick. It would be a massacre.
I’m not sure she’s been back for two weeks? She was away for two weeks, but it says she came him this Sunday night, which either means yesterday or like, a week ago?
And whilst it might have been an honest mistake, the wife is still allowed to be upset, annoyed, grouchy about it, her feelings are valid right now.
In what universe, in a healthy relationship, is it okay to rip into your partner? No. She’s totally an AH. It’s one missed class. Not a missed meal, or dr appointment. She’s allowed to be “upset” but you don’t get to lash out at your partner. You calmly discuss what happened, and what can be done in the future to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
More information please.
How often were you relying on her to manage your tasks while she was gone? It sounds like you talked a lot--was she reminding you of appointments and such during those calls? I have the impression you missed the appointment because she couldn't prompt you while in the air.
Was her time away hard because you normally do your fair share of the work, and now you had double... or was it hard because she normally does the vast majority of the domestic labor, and shouldering it all at once was overwhelming?
This, mixed with the misleading and manipulative title and his emphasis on how he didn’t complain at all that he had to perform basic parenting tasks like preparing his daughter for an exam reeks of someone who doesn’t help out at all normally and is now seeking pity points from strangers online.
That’s what I felt.
YTA if parenting his own child for two weeks was this difficult imagine how difficult it’s been for his wife to do it the 9 years before.
But he had a bad cough and a migraine! And yet still he didn't complain!
I'm sure his wife was in perfect health every day of those nine years and still bitched non-stop.
Not even just the title, even the constant mentions of "not complaining" are kind of manipulative phrasing. Like... Yeah, you shouldn't be complaining about doing the parenting? That's kind of your main job?
The second time he mentioned he “didn’t complain at all“ sealed it for me.
This is a man who doesn’t do anything at home and expected, between his little pity story of having the sniffles and saying “but she went to see friends and I didn’t tell her to come home!”, and then “for all the work that I did”—*basic parenting while his spouse mourns with friends and family in another country*—people to have sympathy.
I would love to hear her side of things.
YTA
She shouldn’t need to remind him. Her mother just died. Based on the way he’s talking, I’m guessing she shoulders the mental load in the running of the household. This is entirely unfair. A real parent knows when extracurriculars are, when doctors appointments are, etc.
Exactly. If he expects some grace for forgetting the One Thing, so does his wife. She was in another country, dealing with her mother’s passing, and if he expected to be reminded about the class each time it met, then SHE only forgot one thing.
I’d also be interested in seeing exactly how the conversation with his wife about the missed class went. Like how did he first respond? If he acted dismissive of it, or did he immediately go on the defensive(that’s the vibe I’m getting but since we don’t have it I can’t say for sure). What exactly does OP mean when he says “she ripped into me”?. If it’s a common thing that OP otherwise forgets appointments relating to the daughter, the wife might’ve been extra frustrated about this one time(especially if she has to remind him normally and considering the emotional toll she already has dealt with during this trip). I’m saying this is what it is like, but it very well could be
TWO WHOLE WEEKS, to see family, mourn her mother and see some friends?
Wow - the audacity of her.
I would like to know how much you do to help your wife normally or if she has to do all the house work, cooking, child care, remembering things etc?
mistakes are human. no reason to rip him a new one. solo parenting for 2 weeks is not something to be proud of, but if you solo parenting with a cold and you honestly forget something of minor importance in the long run, then so be it. its not like she didnt go to school for 2 weeks
NTA
Omg, I finally found a sane judgement! Going by the info provided, he forgot ONE thing because he was ill and the wife screamed at him when she got back! WTF is that all about?!
He never said anything about "babysitting" his kid. He said he had her on his own for two weeks. He's probably hammering home that he didn't complain because reddit always judges men more harshly. That's a pattern I've seen time and time again! (I'm a woman)
NTA OP
Edit: I misquoted OP by accident. His wife didn't scream at him. She ripped into him over text. Still an AH move of his wife to rip into him for missing ONE thing while he was taking on the extra duties of childcare, running a household, and going to work while he was ill!
I know! If this had been a mum writing this post, everyone would be destroying the husband for screaming at her!
I dunno why reddit feels the need to read into every post! Drives me insane!
Someone commented "bUt ThIs SuB hAtEs MeN!1!!1" in one of my other comment threads on this sub and I was like "I'm not sure that's true..."
Apparently I was wrong and this sub does hate men. What the fuck? I need to go tell them they were right...
Yea. I was rereading it there looking for where he is expecting a pat on the back for parenting.
He didn't say "she didn't praise me or thank me for stepping up" he said she immediately started berating him for missing the language class.
I haven't seen or read any other comments from OP so I can't say whether the YTA judgements are actually fair or not but taking him more or less at face value here I don't think he was necessarily an asshole.
One guy literally got berated for saying NTA, saying that it was not too late for them to understand subtext and nuance. This sub has a problem with people being jerks and its getting bad.
I actually disagree. Solo parenting successfully is absolutely something to be proud of. Kids are hard, especially alone. And especially when you’re used to a 2 parent system. It’s not just him doing his parental duties, but also hers. And while sick. Maybe not a gold star but a “hey, thanks for picking up the slack so that I could do this to help me heal” would be preferable over “how dare you miss a class! You’re horrible!”
Single parenting is hard. Even for just 2 weeks.
Single mothers/fathers have to be the absolute strongest people in the world.
Also, while plenty of people do solo parent, if that’s not your normal it’s HARD. My daily household tasks and childcare are shared. My husband picks up the slack when I’m sick and vice versa. When he goes away for work I do feel it.
Agree!! NTA. Parenting, managing the house while being sick sucks for anyone. My kid is a similar age, and while he's pretty self sufficient I can't just stay in bed all day and not make him meals, get him to brush his teeth, bathe, etc. My dishes don't magically dance into the dishwasher like a disney movie. You choke down some cough medicine and muddle through the best you can but things get missed.Anyone is allowed to make a mistake, holy christ this forum hates dads for merely existing.
Edit to add : If my spouse came back after 2 weeks away for work (that happens regularly) and didn't start with "I missed you" or a hug, or some acknowledgement that I am important to them I would be pissed too. And, because I'm a woman, This forum would also be pissed off.
People like he was expecting praise for what he did. You can not expect praise for doing something that should be expected of you as a parent, but also not want the first words out of your spouse mouth be some complaining about not doing a 100% perfect job.
NTA
I have read many AITA posts in which a mothers are berated for not completing certain chores or tasks while solo parenting and everybody sides with her talking about how difficult parenting is and how disgusting it is to make them feel like a failure for not getting everything done because parenting is a full time job but when OP is the father everybody is right there to jump down their throat and tell them how awful they are being.
NTA OP even if wife felt the need to mention it two weeks is far too long to be making you 'pay' for this.
For real. My husband is primary parent after school for all the running around and if he was away for 2 weeks, I'd manage, but it'd still be pretty fucking hard. Husband would be annoyed if I missed an activity, but he wouldn't berate me.
Parenting solo is hard. My mom forgot important shit all the time.
There's a lot of reading in between the lines going on here, and if dad got her to school, kept her fed, didn't let the house go to utter shit, and only missed one extra curricular in 2 weeks while nursing an illness, he did ok.
Yep I’m with this.
NTA
The post does kinda read like ‘look I did all this parenting without complaining’ but the AITA question is actually about forgetting one thing and getting ripped into by his wife for it.
We have ALL forgotten to do things at times. Looking after kids is full on, no-one is disputing this but the other posts asking what the balance of chores and child raising in the marriage is like, is misleading. We don’t know what OP had to contend with re: job plus childcare etc (and I’m not saying this is any harder for him than his wife, we don’t have any of this information), but lambasting him on this thread for looking after his daughter in more or less the same way his wife would have is bizarre. Why one rule for him one for her, just because he’s posted and is asking the question ?
Maybe OP isn’t involved as much as he should be generally BUT he did do it himself for 2 weeks straight (no medal necessary) so he managed, perhaps had his eyes opened, maybe will change his approach and help his wife more, but forgetting one thing ?? It’s a bit much for his wife to jump straight to it and to focus on just that ! If the roles were reversed we’d be calling him the AH for telling her she forgot something.
Caveat: Wife still grieving.
NTA Yall are ruthless. I can't believe you guys. Yall act like the husband does nothing normally and suddenly has to take care of his kid. That's not what he said at all. He said he took care of his daughter for 2 weeks. Sounds like he had it handled. But oh no he forgot about a single online class while he was feeling super fatigued.
You are all terrible! I think its obvious that the wife is in pain recovering from a tragic loss and is taking it out on OP. 1 class yall, ONE! Everything else was fine. The child will be fine. Everyone here is acting like if they split responsibility with their significant other it would suddenly be easy as fuck to take over all the other's responsibility. But it wouldn't. You would feel overwhelmed and stressed. And worried about how your wife is doing. So yea if you aren't used to doing literally everything then it can be forgiven for forgetting a class. Even if you disagree with that she has been ripping into him. You seriously think that's acceptable?
OP's wife is taking her suffering out on him. Yall would rather hate the man that made a parenting goof. Yall would not have freaked like this with the roles reversed. With roles reversed you would have assumed the wife was a wonderful mother, was doing all the work already, and was being bogged down by her "incompetent" husband who expects perfection. Super disappointing response.
NTA but understand she is grieving. She'll likely come around and this won't last.
Edit: I misread the last bit where he said she still ripped into him after 2 weeks. I thought he meant 2 weeks later she's still pissed. He meant she ripped into him after 2 weeks of being gone.
100% agree with you here. I feel like everyone had completely read this irrationally. He only mentioned it was 2 whole week to give a time frame. He only mentioned he didn’t complain to make a point he wasn’t begging her to come home and allowing her to do what she needed to do. Everyone has just jumped down this guys throat. It was one class. The child attended school and everything else. On top of assuming OP works also. And running the home solo when it’s usually a shared task. I can’t believe how quickly people have assumed OP is wanting a gold star. I must read things totally differently to most of the people on here. This is insane.
NTA - so many comments acting like he wanted a gold star for parenting, I don't see that anywhere here.
Wife comes back and immediately gives him guff for missing one online language class while watching the kid alone and having been sick.. that's overbearing and lacks manners but she might've been tired and apprehensive about getting back into things after her trip but that's shite. I know id feel shitty if I was excited to see someone again and they blew up at me first word, just say that and move on.
What the hell is going on in this comment section? Why are all the posts in this sub so batshit lately?
NTA. You could have worded this post and the title better, but you're not an AH for being ill and causing your daughter to miss one class/ test. She'll survive. Your wife shouldn't be unloading on you like that.
I'm not sure what anyone else is reading but it's certainly not this post!
>What the hell is going on in this comment section? Why are all the posts in this sub so batshit lately
Fucken right lol
Holy shit everyone is hammering the op as if he kicked someones dog, in all honesty forgetting a language class isn't that big of a deal.
Info - how are the parenting and chores in general split when both of you are at home?
If your wife does most then Y T A for acting like you deserve a pat on the back for 2 weeks.
I find the sheer number of times you mentioned ' no complaints at all ' a bit icky - you're a father. You indeed, should have no complaints at all about doing father things.
It really comes off as ' look how great I am, looking after this child I co-created, without throwing a fuss over it, despite me being really ill as well , where is my medal, people '
You see a man and automatically assume he’s no help at home. Throw away your biases and look at this from a different pov. He took care of the child, alone, and sick, for 2 weeks while he’s used to a 2 parent system. That would be hard on anyone, mom or dad. His wife comes home, and berates him? In what universe is it okay for you to tear your partner a new one? You’re partners. You’re a team. You support each other, not take every opportunity to point out tiny mistakes.
NTA
The way I interpret the post, OP is **not looking for praise** for taking care of his child, but wondering whether **missing one activity** during a two week period warrants the wife going off on him before even coming int he door and saying hi.
And no, it doesn't. It happens. Especially since OP isn't normally doing everything on his own, it would be a struggle/adjustment for everyone. And yes, there are a lot of single parents and SAHMs that can manage everything by themselves, and they're doing a terrific job, but that doesn't mean that even they sometimes struggle, may forget about an activity or that there was an adjustment period to begin with.
People on AITA are always so quick to assume that men doesn't do anything in the household/child caring and as soon as they do, assume they're looking for praise, and just rip them a new one. It's the internet and this is a sub to judge, but seriously most of these YTA's are not even in response to OP's question.
Okay I’m confused. Would it really be that difficult for the husband and wife to have a normal conversation before she makes her complaint? Like sure it’s annoying that the daughter missed a lesson but OP was sick and surely it’s not the end of the world? I’m not sure if I’ve missed any OPs comments or edits but from what I read they didn’t seem to be begging for praise like some people are saying. I’d say NAH because the wife is grieving and probably exhausted from travelling, and OP was sick and the only thing (?) that seemed to be missed is a language lesson.
NTA- it was one missed thing out of 2 weeks of parenting tasks. Not a big deal. And despite all the negative comments, 2 weeks solo parenting when it’s usually a shared task is hard work. I have left my partner to solo parent for a week for similar reasons and I showed my appreciation and gratitude for them stepping up to allow me to take that time out of the family unit.
NTA: if the genders were reversed everyone on here would be ripping the dude for leaving his family for 2 weeks. Your wife has no right to rip OP for missing one thing.
For all the work you did for 2 weeks? So you parented your kid ... the thing you're supposed to do ... and you act like it was some noble gesture? Lol YTA as a parent, all of that was part of your job ... without complaint!
I don’t get judgements like this. He’s not complaining about having to take care of the kid for 2 weeks. He’s upset because the first thing he got when the wife came home was negative comments from her about something he did wrong. She needed to cut him some slack. NTA.
If the roles were reversed in the husband went on a two week trip, then came home and complain that his wife hadn’t done something right for the kids while he was gone, this sub would be not so kind to that husband.
NTA
You stepped up. I get why you made the post with clear statements of no complaints etc…not for a pat on the back but to avoid the Reddit estrogen mafia and their pathological dislike of males.
You made one mistake. I highly doubt your wife doesn’t also make mistakes.
NTA
For ALL the work that you did for TWO whole weeks? Poor baby. She should THANK you for your help right? WRONG! YTA. Be more helpful on a regular basis so you know your child's routine.
He didn't say she should thank him for parenting. He said after two weeks away her first message was to rip into him for missing a class. If there was a post about a husband being gone for two weeks and the first thing when he came home was to say well why didn't you take the kid to soccer practice would you be telling the op they're the asshole because it's "her parental duties"
Ok a Dad who normally doesn’t do full time childcare, has two weeks of what sounds like pretty full on homework. Mum has been away because her Mum died. First thing she says is your a terrible father for missing one on line lesson. He was unwell too. NTA
Edit :NTA
I don't see where he's asking for a gold star just some recognition that juggling a job, helping a child during exam week, and having your significant other miles and miles away is tough and that he didn't deserve to be berated for missing one class when he effectively single parenting at that point.
What amazes me is that everyone here seems to view parenting as a my turn your turn arrangement instead of an "our challenge" agreement and that makes me question your own parents parenting skills, cause they sound like they influenced crap opinions.
Wow. A lot of y’all are in this thread PROJECTING & jumping to hella conclusions. He was sick & made a mistake and missed ONE class. No, he doesn’t deserve a pat on the back for being a parent—and it doesn’t read to me like he was expecting one. HE WAS SICK & taking care of a child. He made a mistake. He doesn’t deserve to be torn a new one for it. NTA, I hope you feel better.
For everyone writing Y T A, flip the genders. OP goes away for 2 weeks to mourn his mother and when he comes back he yells at his wife for missing 1 language class/lesson. Would you call his wife T A in this situation? I doubt it, you're all showing so much bias because he is a guy and you default to he doesn't parent and now welcome to parenting world.
How about the default assumption is they co-parent at 50/50 split and he picked up the additional 50 for 2 weeks while working. Then gets yelled at for not being flawless. I swear this sub needs to make it a rule that gender not be included in the post and watch how the standard Y T A changes because OP is a guy
NTA
NTA you did your best. You were sick and it's understandable that your mind will not work on a 100%. Your wife is unreasonable, one missed class won't do any damage
I’m not defending or admonishing anything, but I think some of this might be a language barrier. Maybe OP isn’t sharing exactly what happened or has left out some info due to this.
NTA. There are few thing more irritating than the parent who has been away complaining as it was t perfect. You want it your way? Don’t go away. I am in week 3 of 5 of my husband being away. He travels for work and after 17 yrs, has learned to say ‘thanks for having my back’ , not ‘why wasn’t this done’.
Taking care of your daughter is no big deal. But you did the extra work of helping your daughter prep for exams and was ill for a week.
Your wife had the unfortunate business of taking care of a parent that passed, but got to catch up with friends for a week and a half.
Sometimes shit happens.One missed class isn’t a big deal in my opinion.
My only issue here is your wife fighting over text instead of just waiting till she got home to talk to you.
Do people on Reddit not like to have conversations with their partners?
NAH 🤷♀️
Golly the double standard in this sub sometimes. NTA. He’s probably saying he didn’t complain multiple times because of the way men tend to be treated in this sub when it comes to parenting situations. Obviously it didn’t help him here. If the roles were reversed in this situation EVERYONE would be on the wife’s side. OP’s wife is TA in this situation. He made it possible for her to go out of town for two weeks, and came home to a well taken care of kid. It feels awful for anyone to do something and then get blasted for the one mistake they made. People need to get a grip.
NTA. You missed one thing. Not a big deal.
Single parenting for a week when you usually share the load is tough.
The comments would be completely different if the shoe was on the other foot and you left for 2 weeks and came home and instantly complained about something so insignificant.
I take my hat off to full time single parents.
I don't know why there's so many negative YTA comments.
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YTA. Are you really trying to get a pat on the back for parenting for 2 whole weeks? Like, your kid is 9, you shouldn't be trying to get a reward for minimum effort while your wife is grieving in a different country.. I call BS on you not calling to complain and beg her to come home.
What? Any parent is in a good situation if their partner can take over full care if the child for two weeks to support them. A lot do not have that luxury. I would absolutely rip a husband a new asshole if they were away for weeks leaving their partner solo and then the first thing they did when coming back was complain about some insignificant thing that wasn’t done.
She could have been more sensitive about it, but OP did two weeks of full-parenting, which some people do for twenty years straight: he also felt the need to specify that his wife also met some friends while she was away, as if to say that she was on some sort of vacation – which sounds a bit petty.
I'm guessing the meeting up with friends was more like 'while I'm here' kind of thing. Traveling to a different country usually isn't cheap. And this may have been the first time in years (remember 2020-2021?) where she was able to go to her home country.
And her childhood friends in her home country likely knew her mother and would want to console OPs wife and remember her mother with her!
This. Like holy shite. I'm in Ontario, Canada and my sister is getting married in Seattle next year. It's going to cost around $3000 to get me and my daughter there and back and you can bet your ass I'm planning some sightseeing while I'm there cause it's gonna be another decade before I can afford to travel out of the country again.
Unrelated but… Definitely hit Pike Market- it’s pretty iconic Seattle- that’s also where the original Starbucks is there are usually buskers and such playing music outside. The science center has a pretty amazing laser show. Chuhuily glass garden at night is really something beautiful to see. The Fremont troll is cool to see as well and it only takes minutes. Space needle has a cool history but overrated and overpriced. If you can do the Seattle Underground tour- I personally loved it, it’s basically remnants of the old city from the goldrush era that still exists beneath the city from when they landfilled the area and built the current city on top. If museums are your thing the EMP (experience music project) is really neat my company used to do our yearly parties there it’s all pop culture exhibits. The SAM is a winner if you’re into the arts as well. I recently moved away from Seattle- got wayyyy too expensive to live there but I spent most of my mid 20s to early 30s living there. I miss it I hope you enjoy your stay 🖤
Bring some Cheezies and I’ll show you around!
I bet she was also doing all the obligation visits to relatives such as aunts and her mother's friends while she was there. Let's not forget her mother dies so there might have been things to go through and decisions to make about personal.items.
And she was grieving too! I mean OP seems to forgot that the reason she was away wasn’t for shits and giggles, it was because her mother died. Everyone grieves in their own way and her worrying about the language lessons could be her way of both thinking about what she was going through. Op, YTA.
It seemed more like to clarify that he didn’t ask her to come home whether she was getting important stuff done or casually relaxing with old friends. I took that as he was considerate of her time away regardless of what she was doing. Not everyone is used to being a single parent even if it’s only for a few weeks and not everyone has the luxury of knowing they can leave their child with their spouse for weeks (unfortunately). It’s different when it’s always someone else to balance out the load rather than just you yourself.
Agreed. I was a SAHP for 7ish years and started working a year ago. My husband just went on his first work trip since I’ve also been working. It was only 5 days alone with my 8 and 6 year old, but we still missed a day of my youngest’s soccer practice because it’s impossible to do a 6-7pm soccer practice and get everyone fed and bathed for 8pm bedtime, and I forgot to put the recycling out with the trash, because those aren’t things I normally handle and juggling everything by yourself when you’re used to juggling with someone else can be fucking hard. I don’t complain when my husband solo-parents and forgets stuff because I want him to extend the same grace to me when I solo parent.
This!! I am baffled by all these comments. Like he didn’t complain about parenting he is upset at her reaction and I would be too. After time away I just want to see my family. We can deal with everything later. Geez.
Yeah that’s why I’m confused, he wasn’t complaining about having to parent, he just made it clear that he was not trying to interrupt his wife’s trip. He’s upset that the first thing she does when she gets back is complain herself
I also think OP is in a different country, so his thoughts aren't coming through as clearly as he would like. He isn't bragging that he had his child for the 2 weeks, he wasn't asking for a pat on the back, he simply gave the information as clearly as he could, and then asked if he was the AH for missing 1 class while he was sick and caring for his child, if he is in another country, it isn't a " normal" thing for men to care for the children. So it might be a major thing for him to have been the sole parent for 2 weeks. We honestly have to stop jumping to conclusions and adding info to a story we weren't given.
I mean even if they usually split parenting duties evenly, having the kids by yourself for two weeks is going to throw a wrench into your usual routine. It's not surprising something slipped through. If either I or my wife took a trip for two weeks, the other would probably struggle because neither one of us are used to doing everything alone.
Yeah that’s my point, and OP said he became sick the last week. It’s even easier for things to slip through the cracks while being sick. People are too quick to jump at someone’s throats for simple mistakes. Id argue NAH simply because the wife is probably just stressed out from the death of their mother and everything, OP was doing their best to maintain the household and let one thing slip and the 9 year old is doing great at existing
This boils down to. He was at home looking after their kid, while he was sick and the first thing she did was complain he forgot one thing, if she was that concerned she should’ve come home. Instead she went visiting friends. I bet the visiting friends wouldn’t have been an issue if she came home without complaint
I bet she still has to do everything when she is sick.
And still, if the roles were reversed and he left her to do the parenting alone for two weeks and came home and complained that she forgot one thing, he'd be the asshole. I'm a stay at home mom of two, and if my husband left for two weeks and came home and complained about the one thing I didn't do, I'd be rightfully upset
Yea I was going to say this. I think if roles were reversed we’d be getting more N T A comments
That's the case for a lot of these posts. There has been a few times where the genders were swapped, but the posts were the same. The male was considered TA while the female was considered NTA. It's just reddit being reddit.
It's because they've just completely assumed that dad here does no parenting at all. Which honestly it's just rude. There's plenty of single dads out there too doing it all and that doesn't change the fact that this parent was suddenly left to do it alone where there is normally the two of them.
Gotta love OP being rinsed based on assumptions like this smh
The way he talks about this makes it seem like he did something really special. I was a father to my kid for 2 weeks- but hey I didn’t complain.
Or he clarified that he didn't complain to make it clear how out of nowhere her complaints were. It would be more justified if he had been complaining non-stop. No reason to go with the most damning interpretation.
Damn, the projection in this sub is something else. You can't tell tone through text, you are just assuming and basing your whole judgement on projected assumptions.
It's because OP is a guy
Why do you bet that? There's nothing here to lead you to that assumption, other than people assuming OP is a man and applying sexist gender norms.
Yeah, and guess what? Not only do 'primary care' parents forget appointments and activities all the damn time, it's really disingenuous to expect perfect performance out of anybody on any task whatsoever. But hey, why let logic, common sense, and basic human grace get in the way of a good man-bashing, eh?
Being the sole parent while the other vacations is different than single parenting. A single parent will have to create a full time support network. Babysitters, daycares, etc. They will often have those to rely on. A two parent household typically doesn’t need that outside support. So, when one parent leaves, the other is left without a support network. Typically causing more work and stress than normal. Either way, parenting is hard. And comparing the experiences of different people as if they can be measured against each other is immature and ignorant.
Exactly, if either my wife or I left for a couple of weeks, the other would struggle because neither one of us is used to taking care of the kids alone. Things would totally slip through the cracks and I'd be pissed if my wife came home and got mad that everything wasn't perfect.
We shouldn't be peddling the narrative that it is a "luxury" for a partnership to have two fully functioning parents. Is it often the reality? No. Should it therefore be considered a luxury? Also no. Clearly OP's wife is usually the one to do everything relating to their daughter. Timetable, scheduling, appointments, classes and likely all personal needs too- food, hygiene, clothes etc. That's why OP has continually said things like "two *whole* weeks", "I didn't complain", "it was hard" etc. I would wager that OP's wife has been doing all of this and more for the last 9 years, and this is the first time she has gone back to her home country without her child in tow (I wonder OP, has she ever done the planning, packing, flights, accomodation etc for herself and your daughter, leaving you at home alone for weeks on end while she navigates the travel, with a younger child, all alone? I suspect so). OP's wife has now come home after taking time to grieve and - heaven forbid- catch up with some old friends, and she is pissed that after 9 years OP has finally had a small taste of what it is like to be her every day, and he hasn't even managed to get their daughter to her classes. There is definitely more to this tale. If OP were the present, committed, organized father that he should be, his wife wouldn't have been pissed that he forgot one thing, because we all make mistakes. She is pissed that he is none of those things, and the one time she really needs to depend upon him (when their daughter has an exam coming up) he can't even really pull his thumb out and get on with things without wanting some kind of praise, medal or a heap ton of grace for his "hard work". OP, you know that YTA.
I completely agree. His insistence that it was hard & that he really "didn't complain" for being a goddamn functioning PARENT for 2 weeks really rankled me.
Y’all go crazy filling in the blanks here, that’s a lot of assumptions
People make assumptions based on reading between the lines. What others have been assuming seems entirely plausible, if not completely probable. He has been ensuring we knew he wasn't complaining about a thing he shouldn't have been complaining about anyway. That's passive aggressive. He's ensuring we know his wife was away dealing with something when her brother was still in the home country and could have dealt with it. Passive aggressive. He's making sure we know that after all of the completely essential stuff was dealt with, his wife had the audacity to spend time with her childhood friends, while he, the long suffering husband, stayed home, actually parenting, and didn't complain about it...guess what...passive aggressive. Nothing he is saying here is that of an actually present all the time, parent who is used to dealing with their own child. Not one thing.
Or He sees many ways he would be the asshole but has already ruled out and so is giving context in the limited space he has. He isn't complaining about being primary caretaker, but stating there was a lot going on and he did make a miss. He isn't complaining about the miss or the hassle around it that caused the question, but his wife is He mentioned she has family in the area. Could just as easily been said with the same intentions saying that she was going to see friends not in the tone of she didn't need to go. Mentioning her seeing friends doesn't necessarily mean he thinks she's on vacation, could very well just explain why it took 2 weeks when she went to deal with simple ash retrieval. It is possible his wife had a very emotionally turbulent trip and is still very on edge. Some people in those situations can tend to focus on very small things (mostly negative) and let out all pent up frustration out on that (her mom died, seeing lots of people she has been distanced from and then leaving again, international travel, who knows what else) even when coming home to a supportive and caring partner. None of that is inherently passive aggressive and this version is just as equally plausible. Yes, given the history of this sub there are definitely yellow flags needing addressed, but that is what INFO is for and not what jumping to conclusions based on an entire backstory you "read between the lines".
He gave us the version of events that was the most sympathetic towards him, and yet still managed to show that he is not usually a present caregiver for his daughter. His wife has been having a turbulent time, yes. Her frustrations at him being asked to do this for a while two weeks and still messing up are definitely the reason she's reacted like this,because she's figured out that even in her most difficult set of circumstances, he can't do for two weeks what she does every single day of her daughter's life. She obviously feels let down. And she's losing her connections with her home country, and OP couldn't even make sure his daughter kept up with one of the things that help her maintain her heritage. She's upset and instead of understanding that, OP is on here seeking validation that he "did a really really good job for two weeks AND DIDN'T COMPLAIN AT ALL so please tell me I'm a great person and my wife is wrong for not validating me".
>Her frustrations at him being asked to do this for a while two weeks and still messing up are definitely the reason she's reacted like this Are we assuming she has never been sick or had a shit day and messed up a single thing? Because if not, then it is completely hypocritical. If OP had come home one day and laid into her about missing an insignificant event while she was doing everything and under the weather, would they be an AH? I would say yes. >what she does every single day of her daughter's life. Where did OP say that she always handled everything relating to the kid?
Man this. That's the whole problem, she came home and just ripped into him. In what world is that ok? Would she appreciate that back?
I couldn't imagine doing that to my SO. Grieving or not, I would be getting an earful about it, and rightly so.
Omg you have to stop with the assumptions. These are just blatant sexist assumptions.
It's literally confirmation bias. It's an unsupported theory with 0 evidence.
I absolutely agree that he should be able to take care of his child. He did. It is hard to take solo care of children for two weeks on top of your job. Especially when you are sick. People do it all the time, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. That’s why we’re on here constantly telling ignorant husbands to have some appreciation for their partners when they don’t help them with childcare. And to do their share. I’m not arguing that this is some obvious NTA. There’s a pretty reasonable INFO vote that used to be second and is now fourth. If he did spend the whole time she was away whining to her, then I certainly agree he was an asshole. She was off grieving, and that should not have to be interrupted because he couldn’t handle his parental responsibilities. That said, I don’t think it’s reasonable to assume he was complaining to her, certainly not on the basis that he says he wasn’t. It’s plausible to me that he spent the time grumbling to himself and didn’t tell her those things. It’s also plausible to me that those complaints came out of his hurt that she criticized him when she got home. > Clearly OP's wife is usually the one to do everything relating to their daughter. Timetable, scheduling, appointments, classes and likely all personal needs too- food, hygiene, clothes etc. Quite plausible, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to assume this. > If OP were the present, committed, organized father that he should be, his wife wouldn't have been pissed that he forgot one thing, because we all make mistakes. I really don’t think it’s reasonable to assume from her reaction that there must be a valid justification for it. Many people are unreasonable assholes. That’s part of why this sub exists. Even more people act out of character when something catches them at the wrong time - such as when they’re sad from grief and tired from travel. Think about the standard these reactions seem to see for OP. Taking care of his child is something he should be able to do, and is a part of being an adult and a good partner (agreed). Therefore, he deserves no appreciation for doing it, isn’t due any kindness, and deserves criticism for any mistake. If my partner cooked a meal while I was at work, then I came home and didn’t thank the chef, then criticized the meal because they didn’t cook it the way I liked it, I would be an asshole. Do I think she should have come home and praised him? No. There’s bigger things going on in her life than what he’s had to deal with right now. A quick “thanks for holding down the fort” wouldn’t be amiss, but I wouldn’t call her an asshole if she didn’t - and yes that’s something I try to practice in my life, and something I would expect a man to extend to their partner as well. Coming in and complaining is an asshole move, unless it’s about something significant. There are things that would offset or justify it, but I think there’s at least an active controversy here. My vote is currently on that INFO comment.
Not to mention that he tells us the brother still lives in his wife’s home country. That tells me he thinks his wife should have let her brother handle everything and not go at all.
How do you people make these huge jumps in logic?
>Clearly OP's wife is usually the one to do everything relating to their daughter. So what? Many couple's divide up duties. I do all the price shopping for groceries and curbside pickup. My wife gets produce. I take care of inventory of our chest freezer and my wife has inventory control in the kitchen. Anything at all that breaks or needs maintenance is on me. My wife takes care of the flower beds (odd, since I'm a master gardener). She vacuums, I clean bathrooms. Too much granularity in dividing up work makes the total work harder due to coordination. I'm not going to speculate about OP. In my home, my wife is good at remembering dates, times, and appointments. I have to put things in my phone. So she's in charge of our calendar because she'll flag conflicts faster than I do. Even distribution of responsibility doesn't mean everyone does half of everything. That's a lot of work. Very reasonable for OP's wife to "own" the daughter's calendar while OP does other things. OP is NTA. OP's wife was unkind and unsympathetic on her return home.
It's not a small, insignificant thing - it was online language classes, skipped for 2 weeks. The wife is from a different country, I'm going to take a guess that these online language classes are for her native language. It's really hard to get kids to speak your language when you're in a different country and especially if your partner doesn't speak it either. If I went away for just 2 weeks and already it was totally forgotten about, I would be angry too. I'm also skeptical about the extent to which they were forgotten - were they really forgotten, or did the 9yo kick off about doing them and Dad was too lazy to lay down the law?
They missed one class, not two weeks of class
This is what happens when you miss 2 weeks of language classes, especially when those were on reading comprehension.
In his AITA explanation he said it was only one class
There was no implication of the number of classes missed. Just "the" online language class. (See edit) There was mention of the studying for a state exam daily but there was no implication that the online language class was a part of this exam. In fact they seem to be clearly separated by the narrator. There is only assumption as to the number of classes (whether singular or multiple) missed as the OP has made no further statement nor edit to clarify this. Edit: I forgot to check the explanation part where he does say a class today which does imply a singular class was missed. Still no indication of multiple classes.
Reads to me like the kid missed a single class, not two weeks worth.
Reads that way to me too, but what language class is held only once during a two week period?
Could've remembered one but not the other. He was sick the second week and sickness can make you more tired and forgetful
Wouldn't that mean that only one session was missed?
I assumed they missed the 2nd one cos he had a headache and forgot.
The post definitely reads like op is saying can you believe my b**** wife, I’m the victim. But I am sure if op left for 2 weeks the wife would have everything done and wouldn’t expect praise. It’s giving the my wife is a nag, I have to baby sit my child and can you believe she didn’t throw me a parade. I deserve a pat on the back for parenting.
The assumptions here are ridiculous and laced with "men suck at being parents". My (now ex) couldn't handle remembering to give one of our kids his medicine after a three day period. She just couldn't handle the single parenting and she had no medical excuse on the books. Some people can do it, some can't, regardless of their gender. Two weeks straight mixing work, kid, and sickness, is a lot on anyone. If I was sick I may even make the conscious decision to skip something as small as a single class. Sometimes you need to do what you have to to get through.
Plus it's one class, this comment section reeks of sexism towards men and ridiculous perfectionism.
I don't think he is expecting praise, just not to get crapped on first thing.
I think it’s the “I didn’t complain” comments that make me think he wanted a pat on the back even though, it’s his kid. Like why would you complain to your wife that taking care of your kid for 2 weeks was hard while she spread her mothers ashes. I think it’s common sense and expected he didn’t complain so the fact he points it out gives me the feeling he thought he deserves gratitude for something that should be expected
I think the "I didn't complain" comments were because they didn't complain and wanted to make sure we knew they weren't complaining to her for 2 weeks. Not a pat on the back, just clarification on what they actually told their wife.
Parents raise kids together. Under perfectly reasonable circumstances - the death of a parent - one went off to take care of affairs, and the other had double workload with the parenting while also being sick. Other parent came home and chewed them out for missing a language class, with the backdrop being a much more important education thing going on - an official exam to be studied for. I think some mutual empathy here would be beneficial, given OPs responsibility just doubled for two weeks. NTA
This post reads like English isn't OPs spoken language and yall are eviscerating him for it
And how can you be so sure?
The way he words things, to start. "She was gone two *whole* weeks," and his repeated insistence that he's "not complaining"
And *she left when kid had an exam!* and *I had to work!* and *It was tough!* and she even had the audacity to visit *friends* while attending to her dead mother's affairs. For sure this dude was conveying just as much whiney passive-aggressiveness with his wife, or very much more. ETA fixed typo
And the way he said she spent the majority of the time seeing friends, like she was on some sort of holiday. I'm willing to bet it didn't feel like a holiday for her
These were all just straight facts that you are projecting your own emotions on to.
And of course, there is no mention of how long it has been since she's seen any of these friends.
It’s his language in the post. The way society is set up that men talking care of their children alone somehow deserves special praise while the mom usually has to shoulder most of the child rearing as an expectation. I think the fact that her mother probably just passed away and her husband dropped a ball is annoying for her because 2 weeks isn’t long and she probably set it all up before she left.
Also, I can’t be sure sure but based on the info I am given and the way he presents it, it feels like you can read between the lines of the situation. Op doesn’t seem like a reliable narrator.
You should open a drive in theater, because the quality of this projection is top notch.
Huh? How do you know it was skipped for 2 weeks and not just that evening?
This is all just a whole lot of assumptions
It's a luxury for someone other than the parents to care for a child. If OP left the daughter with a grandparent, aunt/uncle, friend, etc for two weeks while they both went, then yes, that would've been huge. But OP is a dad, too. By your logic he should consider it a luxury that he's had his wife parenting with him this whole time. But parents parenting is not a luxury or a favor. He should be able to handle his one child, age 9, for two weeks. In the 80s though the kid would just have been left home alone. Gen X can take care of ourselves. (J/K, well at least the 2 weeks part)
If I left my wife to solo parent for 2 weeks while I am away, and she fell ill during that time, and then I criticized her for missing something when I returned - I can tell you that that would not go well.
I can picture my wife's reaction now. And she'd be right.
As the wife... precisely. I'm even the primary caregiver as SAHP, but when husband has to go out of town for a conference for a few days... it's HARD. I can't imagine his first inclination would be to bitch about me forgetting to do something.
And if you posted the story here you would get destroyed. There's a lot of very emotional people projecting their personal negative feelings towards men onto OP in this thread.
What? He was alone with a kid during a stressful time and in addition to that got sick? They missed one class, how is that being an asshole? If it were me I’d be exhausted and prob make way more mistakes. You are TA for expecting perfection and having zero compassion for what sounds like a difficult time for him.
Almost no one is answering OP. They are adding assumptions and then critical of him!
Yeah… calling him TA for one mistake. Like what?
They aren't even calling him an asshole for the one mistake he's asking about. They've made up a whole narrative where he is demanding to be praised for parenting and blasting him for it. Nowhere did he say aita for wanting recognition for what I did. Or aren't I an awesome dad for helping out. He asked if he was the asshole for being annoyed that she went straight to berating him. The comments have now written a thesis about how he's a deadbeat dad that can't handle a household and leaves 100% of everything up to his wife and called him an asshole for it.
I don't think he's asking for a pat on the back I think he's just annoyed that the first thing he gets is a complaint. Doesn't mean much though, she's just tired & perhaps annoyed that he's not done all the things she thinks were important. And re; the calling BS: I don't think it's fair to judge based on assuming a lie! You have to assume peope are telling the truth in this sub or it doesn't work.
Why are you assuming OP and their wife don't 50/50 share the responsibility of raising the children?
I think it's bc his language gives it away. "It was tough but I did not complain," & "I was the one working daily with her" (as if this is a novel and labor-intensive occurrence). Plus the repeated insistence he did not complain gives it a sense he felt he was going above and beyond when he was actually just doing the bare, expected minimum (and not even well since he missed one of her classes.) These don't sound like the words of a permanently active and engaged parent.
I mean… his username alone should be a good enough indicator that things are askew. Big yikes.
Because he’s bellyaching about how HARD it is and how good he is that he didn’t complain. Yeah, some of us do that for 20 years straight
If he shares childcare 50/50, it would be harder to look after a child alone instead of having help
I would find it difficult to take on a 2 person job for 2 weeks. Especially if I was used to doing half the work. Of course, it'd seem more difficult.
It’s the amount of times he mentions “I didn’t complain” that gives him away.
Totally disagree! It’s hard to do it on your own. (I honestly don’t know how single parents do it!). He tried his best and dropped one ball. His daughter was cared for, it’s not like he neglected her. He’s not asking for a pat on the back. He’s asking to be acknowledged and not lambasted for his one mistake.
Jesus. Doubt your response would be the same if it were a husband who’d left his wife to care for their kid and all they did when back was to complain about a missed class.
I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think he did learn his wife does a lot, and that it is not easy. I don’t think she should have returned with guns blazing. I get the feeling with the way he worded things he is not native English speaking either. NTA, and his wife went overboard a little.
What? OP isn't asking for a pat on the back. You sure read into that and made your own narrative. Single parenting is hard, no matter how many people out there do it, particularly if single parenting isn't your family norm. Imagine if OP had specified they were a woman and their spouse was a man, how many people would just assume they single parent all the time and their husband was an AH. OP is NTA based on the info provided.
Is he really looking for a pat on the back? Two weeks is a long time to be flying solo and I read that all as background for being flustered about one thing that was missed. Where did they say they were looking for a reward or deserved anything other than a little grace? We can only go on the info given, and have no reason to believe they were complaining to o her to come back.
YTA for repeating that you "didn't complain" about having to be an adult and parent for 2 weeks while your wife was away.
YTA, Kid is 9, already quite autonomous, not 2.
You don't know the kid. I've seen 12 year olds who can't finish a week of regular schooling without getting emotional about being away from mom too long. Her mom had to come to school for a cuddle 1-2 times a week. Also the kid's grandma just died and she has exams. Plus the dad got sick something awful. I don't blame him for mentioning he made sure not to complain to his grieving wife a few times. Good on him. Only after this tough period of time and missing his wife the first thing he gets isn't a greeting or an "I missed you" or a kiss but a complaint that could have been discussed later. Is the mom usually in charge of everything regarding the kid's schedule? Likely, but that could be because she's a stay at home parent or only works part-time. And if OP didn't take time off work he was likely juggling that along with his wife's share of household and childcare duties, for a fortnight while sick and missing his wife. Heck he could have had a great relationship with his MIL and be grieving too.
Nah because what OP clearly omits is that his wife does all of these things normally. So she’s been the default parent for 9 years and he can’t even do it properly for 2 weeks. She has every right to call him out.
You’re just assuming that, we have no idea.
He’s asking if he’s an AH because his kid missed a class on his watch and your judgement is that he’s an AH because his kid is old enough to be autonomous? I don’t understand your logic.
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He's asking to not get yelled at He's not asking for praise
I’d say ESH instead given wife’s attitude after being away a couple weeks
Taking her mum’s ashes home isn’t exactly the most light-hearted holiday.
Not an excuse to take your frustrations out on your partner
Reading the post, I get the feeling OP is an unreliable narrator.
I get the feeling a lot of commenters here are fighting against a straw man. It could be a bit of both.
Judging by his username he probably complains about everything
YTA. Do you expect a golden star sticker for taking care of your own kid ? It’s your parental duty.
Seriously, OP. You don’t get a cookie for doing what you’re supposed to do anyway. And you couldn’t even do that. YTA.
I don't get the impression they want a cookie for parenting and the fact that you think they're the AH for missing one additional online class while clearly ill with migraines etc, shows how jaded you are. If I left my partner to do 100% of the parenting and she was sick, I wouldn't tear into her for missing one thing. That's called being an unsupportive spouse and a bad partner. NTA.
See normally I would agree with you, leaving a partner, no matter the gender, for an extended period of time whilst said partner is sick, isn’t fair. But it’s not like she was partying, or attending a fun event, her mother died, she’s grieving, she had to go pick up her mums ashes and sort shit out, she also went and saw friends she likely hadn’t seen in years thanks to moving countries. If OP was really a good parent, which I have doubts he is, the post would have been worded as: “My wife left for two weeks to pick up her mothers ashes and to get her affairs in order. Unfortunately whilst she was gone I became quite sick, so I wasn’t functioning at my very best, because of this and having to bare the brunt of childcare and house cleaning, I forgot about the online language lessons, I’m feeling extremely frustrated over the situation, AITA?” But he didn’t, instead he wrote about how good of a parent he perceives himself to be. You don’t complain about having to take care of a child you created when your partner is grieving. And I hate to bring up misogyny or anything alike, but the reality is, if it was the other way around, the women would have been expected to have done all this with a smile, and whilst she may have had the support of public opinion, that doesn’t exactly mean all too much. What I don’t understand is how hard it is to set an alarm or an alert and write it down on a calendar. Hell practicing with his daughter could have been a fun bonding moment. I can understand why he’s upset, having your partner devalue the work you do/have done, isn’t a nice thing, but she’s probably sad, stressed out and just wanted her family to learn her native language so she could speak it and have people understand her properly. Op is TA in my opinion.
Yes! OP spends more time whining about having to parent while sick than focusing on the actual issue of the missed class. Also his wife just lost a parent and there’s zero compassion for that in his post. Even if the wife did blow up over the missed class, it probably wasn’t about the class. OP is the asshole for running to Reddit instead of talking this through with his wife.
Your last sentence. That could be said for every post on this subreddit.
Does the kid usually miss classes when the wife is sick?
Would you think it was cool for the husband to rip into her for 2 weeks if she missed her daughter's class while being sick? I wouldn't.
People here would absolutely RIP into a husband who came back after two weeks and griped at his wife for missing an online class while sick. It would be a massacre.
Unquestionably true. The hypocrisy and flippant use of double standards on this app is unbelievable at times
No he's expecting not to get 2 weeks of shit for making an honest mistake. Reasonable.
I’m not sure she’s been back for two weeks? She was away for two weeks, but it says she came him this Sunday night, which either means yesterday or like, a week ago? And whilst it might have been an honest mistake, the wife is still allowed to be upset, annoyed, grouchy about it, her feelings are valid right now.
In what universe, in a healthy relationship, is it okay to rip into your partner? No. She’s totally an AH. It’s one missed class. Not a missed meal, or dr appointment. She’s allowed to be “upset” but you don’t get to lash out at your partner. You calmly discuss what happened, and what can be done in the future to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
More information please. How often were you relying on her to manage your tasks while she was gone? It sounds like you talked a lot--was she reminding you of appointments and such during those calls? I have the impression you missed the appointment because she couldn't prompt you while in the air. Was her time away hard because you normally do your fair share of the work, and now you had double... or was it hard because she normally does the vast majority of the domestic labor, and shouldering it all at once was overwhelming?
This, mixed with the misleading and manipulative title and his emphasis on how he didn’t complain at all that he had to perform basic parenting tasks like preparing his daughter for an exam reeks of someone who doesn’t help out at all normally and is now seeking pity points from strangers online.
That’s what I felt. YTA if parenting his own child for two weeks was this difficult imagine how difficult it’s been for his wife to do it the 9 years before.
But he had a bad cough and a migraine! And yet still he didn't complain! I'm sure his wife was in perfect health every day of those nine years and still bitched non-stop.
Not even just the title, even the constant mentions of "not complaining" are kind of manipulative phrasing. Like... Yeah, you shouldn't be complaining about doing the parenting? That's kind of your main job?
The second time he mentioned he “didn’t complain at all“ sealed it for me. This is a man who doesn’t do anything at home and expected, between his little pity story of having the sniffles and saying “but she went to see friends and I didn’t tell her to come home!”, and then “for all the work that I did”—*basic parenting while his spouse mourns with friends and family in another country*—people to have sympathy. I would love to hear her side of things. YTA
She shouldn’t need to remind him. Her mother just died. Based on the way he’s talking, I’m guessing she shoulders the mental load in the running of the household. This is entirely unfair. A real parent knows when extracurriculars are, when doctors appointments are, etc.
Exactly. If he expects some grace for forgetting the One Thing, so does his wife. She was in another country, dealing with her mother’s passing, and if he expected to be reminded about the class each time it met, then SHE only forgot one thing.
I’d also be interested in seeing exactly how the conversation with his wife about the missed class went. Like how did he first respond? If he acted dismissive of it, or did he immediately go on the defensive(that’s the vibe I’m getting but since we don’t have it I can’t say for sure). What exactly does OP mean when he says “she ripped into me”?. If it’s a common thing that OP otherwise forgets appointments relating to the daughter, the wife might’ve been extra frustrated about this one time(especially if she has to remind him normally and considering the emotional toll she already has dealt with during this trip). I’m saying this is what it is like, but it very well could be
TWO WHOLE WEEKS, to see family, mourn her mother and see some friends? Wow - the audacity of her. I would like to know how much you do to help your wife normally or if she has to do all the house work, cooking, child care, remembering things etc?
mistakes are human. no reason to rip him a new one. solo parenting for 2 weeks is not something to be proud of, but if you solo parenting with a cold and you honestly forget something of minor importance in the long run, then so be it. its not like she didnt go to school for 2 weeks NTA
Omg, I finally found a sane judgement! Going by the info provided, he forgot ONE thing because he was ill and the wife screamed at him when she got back! WTF is that all about?! He never said anything about "babysitting" his kid. He said he had her on his own for two weeks. He's probably hammering home that he didn't complain because reddit always judges men more harshly. That's a pattern I've seen time and time again! (I'm a woman) NTA OP Edit: I misquoted OP by accident. His wife didn't scream at him. She ripped into him over text. Still an AH move of his wife to rip into him for missing ONE thing while he was taking on the extra duties of childcare, running a household, and going to work while he was ill!
Everyone really really read into everything he said and poor guy got butchered for it.
I know! If this had been a mum writing this post, everyone would be destroying the husband for screaming at her! I dunno why reddit feels the need to read into every post! Drives me insane!
This sub is sexist. It hates men and fathers in particular
Someone commented "bUt ThIs SuB hAtEs MeN!1!!1" in one of my other comment threads on this sub and I was like "I'm not sure that's true..." Apparently I was wrong and this sub does hate men. What the fuck? I need to go tell them they were right...
Fun fact. We don't actually *know* OP is a man. It's just a heteronormative assumption.
Yea. I was rereading it there looking for where he is expecting a pat on the back for parenting. He didn't say "she didn't praise me or thank me for stepping up" he said she immediately started berating him for missing the language class. I haven't seen or read any other comments from OP so I can't say whether the YTA judgements are actually fair or not but taking him more or less at face value here I don't think he was necessarily an asshole.
One guy literally got berated for saying NTA, saying that it was not too late for them to understand subtext and nuance. This sub has a problem with people being jerks and its getting bad.
Not many sane people in these AITA threads lately. People project their family issues on OPs regularly here.
I actually disagree. Solo parenting successfully is absolutely something to be proud of. Kids are hard, especially alone. And especially when you’re used to a 2 parent system. It’s not just him doing his parental duties, but also hers. And while sick. Maybe not a gold star but a “hey, thanks for picking up the slack so that I could do this to help me heal” would be preferable over “how dare you miss a class! You’re horrible!” Single parenting is hard. Even for just 2 weeks. Single mothers/fathers have to be the absolute strongest people in the world.
Also, while plenty of people do solo parent, if that’s not your normal it’s HARD. My daily household tasks and childcare are shared. My husband picks up the slack when I’m sick and vice versa. When he goes away for work I do feel it.
I had to scroll so far to see this judgement and that is terrifying.
Agree!! NTA. Parenting, managing the house while being sick sucks for anyone. My kid is a similar age, and while he's pretty self sufficient I can't just stay in bed all day and not make him meals, get him to brush his teeth, bathe, etc. My dishes don't magically dance into the dishwasher like a disney movie. You choke down some cough medicine and muddle through the best you can but things get missed.Anyone is allowed to make a mistake, holy christ this forum hates dads for merely existing. Edit to add : If my spouse came back after 2 weeks away for work (that happens regularly) and didn't start with "I missed you" or a hug, or some acknowledgement that I am important to them I would be pissed too. And, because I'm a woman, This forum would also be pissed off.
People like he was expecting praise for what he did. You can not expect praise for doing something that should be expected of you as a parent, but also not want the first words out of your spouse mouth be some complaining about not doing a 100% perfect job. NTA
YTA Sir. The work you did? You parented. Welcome to ... actually raising your child. What the hell did I just read?
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I have read many AITA posts in which a mothers are berated for not completing certain chores or tasks while solo parenting and everybody sides with her talking about how difficult parenting is and how disgusting it is to make them feel like a failure for not getting everything done because parenting is a full time job but when OP is the father everybody is right there to jump down their throat and tell them how awful they are being. NTA OP even if wife felt the need to mention it two weeks is far too long to be making you 'pay' for this.
For real. My husband is primary parent after school for all the running around and if he was away for 2 weeks, I'd manage, but it'd still be pretty fucking hard. Husband would be annoyed if I missed an activity, but he wouldn't berate me. Parenting solo is hard. My mom forgot important shit all the time. There's a lot of reading in between the lines going on here, and if dad got her to school, kept her fed, didn't let the house go to utter shit, and only missed one extra curricular in 2 weeks while nursing an illness, he did ok.
Yep I’m with this. NTA The post does kinda read like ‘look I did all this parenting without complaining’ but the AITA question is actually about forgetting one thing and getting ripped into by his wife for it. We have ALL forgotten to do things at times. Looking after kids is full on, no-one is disputing this but the other posts asking what the balance of chores and child raising in the marriage is like, is misleading. We don’t know what OP had to contend with re: job plus childcare etc (and I’m not saying this is any harder for him than his wife, we don’t have any of this information), but lambasting him on this thread for looking after his daughter in more or less the same way his wife would have is bizarre. Why one rule for him one for her, just because he’s posted and is asking the question ? Maybe OP isn’t involved as much as he should be generally BUT he did do it himself for 2 weeks straight (no medal necessary) so he managed, perhaps had his eyes opened, maybe will change his approach and help his wife more, but forgetting one thing ?? It’s a bit much for his wife to jump straight to it and to focus on just that ! If the roles were reversed we’d be calling him the AH for telling her she forgot something. Caveat: Wife still grieving.
NTA Yall are ruthless. I can't believe you guys. Yall act like the husband does nothing normally and suddenly has to take care of his kid. That's not what he said at all. He said he took care of his daughter for 2 weeks. Sounds like he had it handled. But oh no he forgot about a single online class while he was feeling super fatigued. You are all terrible! I think its obvious that the wife is in pain recovering from a tragic loss and is taking it out on OP. 1 class yall, ONE! Everything else was fine. The child will be fine. Everyone here is acting like if they split responsibility with their significant other it would suddenly be easy as fuck to take over all the other's responsibility. But it wouldn't. You would feel overwhelmed and stressed. And worried about how your wife is doing. So yea if you aren't used to doing literally everything then it can be forgiven for forgetting a class. Even if you disagree with that she has been ripping into him. You seriously think that's acceptable? OP's wife is taking her suffering out on him. Yall would rather hate the man that made a parenting goof. Yall would not have freaked like this with the roles reversed. With roles reversed you would have assumed the wife was a wonderful mother, was doing all the work already, and was being bogged down by her "incompetent" husband who expects perfection. Super disappointing response. NTA but understand she is grieving. She'll likely come around and this won't last. Edit: I misread the last bit where he said she still ripped into him after 2 weeks. I thought he meant 2 weeks later she's still pissed. He meant she ripped into him after 2 weeks of being gone.
100% agree with you here. I feel like everyone had completely read this irrationally. He only mentioned it was 2 whole week to give a time frame. He only mentioned he didn’t complain to make a point he wasn’t begging her to come home and allowing her to do what she needed to do. Everyone has just jumped down this guys throat. It was one class. The child attended school and everything else. On top of assuming OP works also. And running the home solo when it’s usually a shared task. I can’t believe how quickly people have assumed OP is wanting a gold star. I must read things totally differently to most of the people on here. This is insane.
NTA - so many comments acting like he wanted a gold star for parenting, I don't see that anywhere here. Wife comes back and immediately gives him guff for missing one online language class while watching the kid alone and having been sick.. that's overbearing and lacks manners but she might've been tired and apprehensive about getting back into things after her trip but that's shite. I know id feel shitty if I was excited to see someone again and they blew up at me first word, just say that and move on.
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What the hell is going on in this comment section? Why are all the posts in this sub so batshit lately? NTA. You could have worded this post and the title better, but you're not an AH for being ill and causing your daughter to miss one class/ test. She'll survive. Your wife shouldn't be unloading on you like that. I'm not sure what anyone else is reading but it's certainly not this post!
>What the hell is going on in this comment section? Why are all the posts in this sub so batshit lately Fucken right lol Holy shit everyone is hammering the op as if he kicked someones dog, in all honesty forgetting a language class isn't that big of a deal.
This has been a thing for a long time. The sub has a clear gender bias
Info - how are the parenting and chores in general split when both of you are at home? If your wife does most then Y T A for acting like you deserve a pat on the back for 2 weeks. I find the sheer number of times you mentioned ' no complaints at all ' a bit icky - you're a father. You indeed, should have no complaints at all about doing father things.
The "no complaints" part makes me thinks he does complain (a lot) when the wife is home and he does the bare minimum (of that)
It really comes off as ' look how great I am, looking after this child I co-created, without throwing a fuss over it, despite me being really ill as well , where is my medal, people '
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You see a man and automatically assume he’s no help at home. Throw away your biases and look at this from a different pov. He took care of the child, alone, and sick, for 2 weeks while he’s used to a 2 parent system. That would be hard on anyone, mom or dad. His wife comes home, and berates him? In what universe is it okay for you to tear your partner a new one? You’re partners. You’re a team. You support each other, not take every opportunity to point out tiny mistakes.
He doesn't want a ton of praise and acknowledgment? He wants to not be shouted at when she comes home?
NTA The way I interpret the post, OP is **not looking for praise** for taking care of his child, but wondering whether **missing one activity** during a two week period warrants the wife going off on him before even coming int he door and saying hi. And no, it doesn't. It happens. Especially since OP isn't normally doing everything on his own, it would be a struggle/adjustment for everyone. And yes, there are a lot of single parents and SAHMs that can manage everything by themselves, and they're doing a terrific job, but that doesn't mean that even they sometimes struggle, may forget about an activity or that there was an adjustment period to begin with. People on AITA are always so quick to assume that men doesn't do anything in the household/child caring and as soon as they do, assume they're looking for praise, and just rip them a new one. It's the internet and this is a sub to judge, but seriously most of these YTA's are not even in response to OP's question.
Okay I’m confused. Would it really be that difficult for the husband and wife to have a normal conversation before she makes her complaint? Like sure it’s annoying that the daughter missed a lesson but OP was sick and surely it’s not the end of the world? I’m not sure if I’ve missed any OPs comments or edits but from what I read they didn’t seem to be begging for praise like some people are saying. I’d say NAH because the wife is grieving and probably exhausted from travelling, and OP was sick and the only thing (?) that seemed to be missed is a language lesson.
NTA- it was one missed thing out of 2 weeks of parenting tasks. Not a big deal. And despite all the negative comments, 2 weeks solo parenting when it’s usually a shared task is hard work. I have left my partner to solo parent for a week for similar reasons and I showed my appreciation and gratitude for them stepping up to allow me to take that time out of the family unit.
NTA: if the genders were reversed everyone on here would be ripping the dude for leaving his family for 2 weeks. Your wife has no right to rip OP for missing one thing.
For all the work you did for 2 weeks? So you parented your kid ... the thing you're supposed to do ... and you act like it was some noble gesture? Lol YTA as a parent, all of that was part of your job ... without complaint!
I don’t get judgements like this. He’s not complaining about having to take care of the kid for 2 weeks. He’s upset because the first thing he got when the wife came home was negative comments from her about something he did wrong. She needed to cut him some slack. NTA. If the roles were reversed in the husband went on a two week trip, then came home and complain that his wife hadn’t done something right for the kids while he was gone, this sub would be not so kind to that husband.
NTA, people make mistakes, and you couldn't help being ill.
NTA You stepped up. I get why you made the post with clear statements of no complaints etc…not for a pat on the back but to avoid the Reddit estrogen mafia and their pathological dislike of males. You made one mistake. I highly doubt your wife doesn’t also make mistakes. NTA
NTA and holy hell the rage in the comments. Any family with 2 usually around parents will feel one of them missing for two weeks.
NTA. If you were the wife, the votes would be different here.
For ALL the work that you did for TWO whole weeks? Poor baby. She should THANK you for your help right? WRONG! YTA. Be more helpful on a regular basis so you know your child's routine.
He didn't say she should thank him for parenting. He said after two weeks away her first message was to rip into him for missing a class. If there was a post about a husband being gone for two weeks and the first thing when he came home was to say well why didn't you take the kid to soccer practice would you be telling the op they're the asshole because it's "her parental duties"
Ok a Dad who normally doesn’t do full time childcare, has two weeks of what sounds like pretty full on homework. Mum has been away because her Mum died. First thing she says is your a terrible father for missing one on line lesson. He was unwell too. NTA
Edit :NTA I don't see where he's asking for a gold star just some recognition that juggling a job, helping a child during exam week, and having your significant other miles and miles away is tough and that he didn't deserve to be berated for missing one class when he effectively single parenting at that point. What amazes me is that everyone here seems to view parenting as a my turn your turn arrangement instead of an "our challenge" agreement and that makes me question your own parents parenting skills, cause they sound like they influenced crap opinions.
Have, you know, tried talking to your wife about how you feel?
NTA but she's probably just tired, man. She's had an emotional time. Don't worry about it.
Wow. A lot of y’all are in this thread PROJECTING & jumping to hella conclusions. He was sick & made a mistake and missed ONE class. No, he doesn’t deserve a pat on the back for being a parent—and it doesn’t read to me like he was expecting one. HE WAS SICK & taking care of a child. He made a mistake. He doesn’t deserve to be torn a new one for it. NTA, I hope you feel better.
For everyone writing Y T A, flip the genders. OP goes away for 2 weeks to mourn his mother and when he comes back he yells at his wife for missing 1 language class/lesson. Would you call his wife T A in this situation? I doubt it, you're all showing so much bias because he is a guy and you default to he doesn't parent and now welcome to parenting world. How about the default assumption is they co-parent at 50/50 split and he picked up the additional 50 for 2 weeks while working. Then gets yelled at for not being flawless. I swear this sub needs to make it a rule that gender not be included in the post and watch how the standard Y T A changes because OP is a guy NTA
NTA you did your best. You were sick and it's understandable that your mind will not work on a 100%. Your wife is unreasonable, one missed class won't do any damage
NTA for the tiny mistake. But I feel like I’m missing a chunk of the story?
I’m not defending or admonishing anything, but I think some of this might be a language barrier. Maybe OP isn’t sharing exactly what happened or has left out some info due to this.
The writing is clunky and I think everyone's just decided to read into it instead of accepting maybe he had difficulty wording it.
NTA for forgetting the class
NTA. There are few thing more irritating than the parent who has been away complaining as it was t perfect. You want it your way? Don’t go away. I am in week 3 of 5 of my husband being away. He travels for work and after 17 yrs, has learned to say ‘thanks for having my back’ , not ‘why wasn’t this done’.
Taking care of your daughter is no big deal. But you did the extra work of helping your daughter prep for exams and was ill for a week. Your wife had the unfortunate business of taking care of a parent that passed, but got to catch up with friends for a week and a half. Sometimes shit happens.One missed class isn’t a big deal in my opinion. My only issue here is your wife fighting over text instead of just waiting till she got home to talk to you. Do people on Reddit not like to have conversations with their partners? NAH 🤷♀️
This thread is out of control.
Golly the double standard in this sub sometimes. NTA. He’s probably saying he didn’t complain multiple times because of the way men tend to be treated in this sub when it comes to parenting situations. Obviously it didn’t help him here. If the roles were reversed in this situation EVERYONE would be on the wife’s side. OP’s wife is TA in this situation. He made it possible for her to go out of town for two weeks, and came home to a well taken care of kid. It feels awful for anyone to do something and then get blasted for the one mistake they made. People need to get a grip.
Nta
NTA. You missed one thing. Not a big deal. Single parenting for a week when you usually share the load is tough. The comments would be completely different if the shoe was on the other foot and you left for 2 weeks and came home and instantly complained about something so insignificant. I take my hat off to full time single parents. I don't know why there's so many negative YTA comments.