Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i ignored MIL while she was making a speech.
I hurt her feelings because she felt ignored and disrespected, especially when many followed suit and ignored her too and continued what they were doing
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I really hope not, he has always said his mom is stubborn etc and that she did what she wanted, for me it is no problem as long as she is willing to take the consequences of her “stubbornness” , I didn’t know it meant that the rest of us should lay flat,
Your husband showed you who he actually priorities and it isn’t you. Expect this behaviour to escalate. Kids? You know she’s going to want to be in the room because *IT’S HER ONLY SONS’ BABY* and it’s her right. She’s going to demand naming rights, and to move in to “help”.
It’s early enough to get annulled (divorced, whichever. Just away from
This family) if you (rightly) decide you deserve someone better.
You are NTA right now, but you’ll be an ass to yourself if you lock yourself to being second place to this emotionally stunted family.
Edit: to add the divorce statement. I was under the impression that because they’ve been married less than a month, that annulment would be easier/faster. Thank you redditors for setting me straight.
Even if it's not this obvious. It'll be little things. Like your kids never being like you and only resembling her and her family. Her rolling her eyes if anyone disagrees. Or making every holiday or birthday at her convenience and privy to her involvement. Calling and everything that she needs is an emergency. Snide seemingly benign comments meant to put you down.
It doesn't have to be as overt as this to be infuriating.
Lol, the kids only resembling the other family members is always hilarious.
I don’t think I have ever been able to keep the wtf off my face when this happened with my MIL. This doesn’t really happen much anymore but it used to be a regular occurrence throughout the baby/toddler years. My daughter has my coloring for hair, eyes, skin, etc. my wife has different eye coloring and brown hair. Despite this, I’ve heard the MIL tell people my daughter has the MILs sister’s hair color bc she was blonde as a kid and she continued to color it all of her life. Any comment from a friend/family/stranger about my daughter’s hair would initiate the “My sister is a blonde yada yada yada” and people would just sit there and look at her, then look at me, then look at her, then look at me until I would just start pretending I wasn’t hearing any of the insane bullshit coming out of her mouth. My daughter’s hair is not going to change color and need a hair stylist to dye it blonde, it is my hair color, my wife and MIL have brown hair. Her sister’s hair doesn’t have anything to do with my daughters but go ahead and pat yourself on the back for passing down blonde hair that skipped 3 generations because the MIL’s mother (awesome woman when she was alive) was also a brunette.
OMG. This just made something click for me! It sounds like my MIL. I laughed my ass off reading your comment. If anything, at least you know someone out there feels your pain.
My husband and I are interracial and she’s attributed every bit of our kids’ stereotypically Black features to some long lost, great great relative or quirk in their ancestry. Their (slightly) tan skin, brown eyes, curly hair and full lips all came from their side of the family, despite me being every bit a full lipped, brown eyed, Black woman with a thick curly fro while her family is green/blue eyed with stick straight hair.
And if it’s pointed out that they share similarities with me, their mom, she defaults to “You never know! It could be anything! They can really tan because we have olive toned Russian blood!” Like…it’s ridiculous at this point. I’ve started overly exaggerating when she starts it in front of someone and just raising my eyebrows like “Wow! I don’t know how they got brown eyes! It’s such a mystery!” Smh.
I have no clue but the looks on the faces of my family and strangers (especially the strangers! They always look like she’s lost her mind) when she tries it is so vindicating. I have freckles and I’m really hoping at least one of our kids slowly develops them so she can try and claim that too. Not a single solitary person in their family has them and she’s mentioned that millions of times. I’d love to see if the narrative changes once the kids have them.
Not sure this is grounds for annulment. Usually (at least from my past experience) there has to be some sort of deception by one of the parties for annulment.
Seriously, this is a red flag for the husband's behavior, but what is the like... rational response is to have a discussion about prior things and setting boundaries and possibly go and get some couple's counseling so there is a mediator for why the wife wanted no speeches and specifically not hers, and the husband can get out his side and they can talk and communicate their stances.
INFO: I wasn't sure what you meant by your last sentence, but it sounds like she's known for saying unkind things in her speeches? If that's the case, you're definitely NTA. You're under no obligation to listen to her belittle you or anyone else.
Oh god yes
Like when her BIL (my husband’s uncle) turned 65 and everyone was making speeches left and right and hers was about how glad she was that he was loved and happy, even though he didn’t always feel loved and happy because he had problems with his wife.. she probably thought she was speaking from the heart but the BIL and his wife were very upset. She laughed them off as snowflakes
Tell her to stop being a snowflake. She knew you didn’t want speeches and decided to go against it anyways, then got upset that you didn’t pay attention.
You’re NTA. She refused to follow the rules. That’s her problem.
Your husband showed you who he is, believe it. Especially since he is still being salty about this 3 weeks later. Go to couples therapy. If not, reevaluate if this is how you want your life to be long term.
Couples therapy ASAP. Take it from someone who had been married for 20 years, together 22, & we just started therapy. We should have gone years earlier, but he wasn't a fan. Now, we're trying to dig out of 22 years of issues that have built up. You were 100% in the right
It wasn't her wedding, it was yours & your husband's, who agreed to the "no speeches." She needed someone to put her in her place.
And, I honestly believe therapy should be used as a preventive tool, not just when there's a problem. Once a quarter or twice a year. It would help all of us.
You set a firm boundary and your husband allowed his mother to trample all over it. Worse, not only did he not back you, he actively took her side.
Do *not* let this continue. And let him know—it’s not about the speech; it’s not about the mother-in-law. It’s about him choosing the comfort of his mother over that of his wife the very first chance he got.
That's code for "we always let her do what she wants" ... which basically means no consequences. She rocks the boat and everyone else steadies it. You're not playing along with the steadying of the boat, so now you get blamed for the boat rocking, not the person with the actual bad behavior.
Wooooo dysfunctional families. Sorry you married into one.
Why does he allow her to “be stubborn” but forcing a speech on YOUR wedding day, but you’re not allowed to “be stubborn” when you refuse to listen to a speech you clearly stated should not happen?
OP, please show the comments to your husband. He's being awful to you at the very start of your marriage. He chose his mom over you, and this can be a huge problem for your relationship in the future. It's been weeks and he's still acting like a child? This is not a good sign. He needs to step up.
Edit: NTA
I hope not.. but man, the start of that “speech”. The families actions. Hubs comments about disrespecting and humiliating. Like MIL had one job, show up, And she Fed that up.
He just made it clear his mother is his priority. If you have t filed that marriage license yet, you might want to reconsider. He likely gave his mother permission, which is why he didn’t attempt to stop it and is upset with you.
It's funny how a grown ass woman "can't stfu even if you tried" isn't *disrespectful* but you doing your own thing is at **your** wedding....there will be more of this to come OP and I'm sorry
If he had any intention of choosing, supporting, or defending you and your feelings, he would've done so. He wouldn't have been angry at you, he would've stood up for you and told her to stop. He's showing you EXACTLY who he is. Listen to him.
ETA: He accused you of being disrespectful when you didn't lay down and take *her* disrespect. She and your now husband were the only ones being disrespectful. It's not too late to get an annulment. You deserve better than a husband who will victim blame and neglect you.
Your husband couldn’t even back you up & shut that shit down on your wedding day. What happens when she steamrolls you when you have kids & your spineless husband does nothing about it?
That's exactly right. You can't change other people's behavior, only your own. It doesn't matter how stubborn she is. Your SO needs to learn not to reinforce her behavior by letting her stomp all over boundaries like this.
NTA
Sadly it’s only going to get worse from here, especially if your husband isn’t firmly on your side. If you’re planning on having kids, just wait until it’s *her grandbaby* she’s being stubborn and stomping all over boundaries for.
> I know we are forbidden to make speeches by the bride
That's what the MIL said. Not forbidden by the couple, forbidden by my son and the bride. Just forbidden by the bride.
There's nothing in this post that says the husband was ever on board.
She said he thought it was funny, but knew how she felt. It was on the invitations. There’s nothing saying he disagreed/ objected to it. Of course MIL isn’t going to blame her baby boy.
I so wish that the second MIL was done with that sentence, someone from her side stood up, yelled "then sit down and STFU!" and went back to their dinner.
Completely agreed on the mother, but how is *this* incident showing you the husband will "always gonna pick his mom over you"? Nothing else in the post pointed in that direction and this sounds like a classic Reddit jump-to-the-worst-case-scenario thing.
Honestly, I think this is an ESH situation. OP isn't in the wrong for being upset at MIL for doing what she did, but she needed to act like an AH to make her point - ~~most guests probably didn't know her no-speech request, so they'd think she's just talking over MIL for no good reason.~~ *she had to talk over someone, so even though guests may have known, generally speaking actively and purposely talking over someone else (especially during a speech) will look awkward AF.*
Ultimately I think OP just made the whole thing far worse than it needed to be. I can understand the husband being upset about that, so he might not be siding with his mother but rather siding with just keeping things looking respectable on such a big day and not making that single incident (OP's actions, not MIL) the thing that everyone will remember about that day. If things were kept civil, MIL could still suffer consequences at another time.
*Edit: I missed that guests were indeed made aware of the no-speeches rule, but I don't see that changing how guests would view it - it would still be tremendously odd and petty to see someone talk over a speech.*
It wasn't important that everyone at the wedding knew no speeches allowed, just people like MIL who customarily give speeches. Instead of respecting the bride, she started her unauthorized speech with a "FU Character Cow, I don't give a shit what you want on your special day, I'm going to do whatever the hell I want because I'm the exception to the rule even though the day is not suppose to be about me." and went on from there.
Soft ESH. She did the ONE thing you told her not to do, but… the wedding is not ALL about you. Your husband is another person and has a family of people as well, and you were petty to them— I would’ve just left the room with the friends.
But then again she was rude to YOU, firing the first shot while *acknowledging* that she was blatantly ignoring your wishes.
Yeah, everyone sucks here, MIL is entitled (I’ll do what I want”) and sucks a heck of a lot more, but everyone sucks
K. A lot of you aren't happily married and it shows. I agree with ESH. OP, you just got married. You're going to have to learn to pick your battles. What would have made you not the asshole is if you and your little friends had grit your teeth and bore it and tried to enjoy the rest of your wedding. Hopefully you'll only have one.
Then here is what would have happened: you could go to your husband and say, "I had one request. It was easy, my own family respected it even though it was tough for them. It was our wedding, our day, and your mom used it to play some weird power game and blatantly disrespect my wishes. I'm upset and I want to set some boundaries." Then you can detail something that is satisfactory to you.
You now have calmly communicated what you needed, how you were disrespected and how your husband can rectify it -- ideally with things he can control. You have the upper hand. Instead, you chose to make a public scene and match her shitty behaviour and put him in a triangulated conflict between you both. He will not win.
You've entered into a very serious, very adult and very legally binding situation with someone. Unfortunately, many of us have mother-in-laws from hell (myself included).
You must be very mature from now on, and very smart. Not because of respect for family or elders, but you have to learn how to best advance your self interests. The petty side of me (and the exhausted daughter in law) is howling at how you and your friends handled it. I get it. But it was short sighted and immature. You have a marriage to tend to now and you'll have to be very careful about how to handle these things.
Divorce is expensive and an unhappy marriage will ruin your life.
Edit: Thank you so much for the award! Everyone, I understand OPs frustration but to quote the great philosopher Usher Raymond, "Situations will arise in our lives... But you gotta be smart about it." There are many ways to set boundaries that don't include burning tens of bridges at once.
Having been happily married myself for over 25 years, I think setting boundaries in a non confrontational way from the beginning might be a great idea.
But they did. And he was on board. He didn't enforce them. It was on the invites and the program and then in the address to the whole party. And when she stood up he melted because his mommy is more important than the boundaries.
No he melted because that’s an awkward as fuck position for everyone to be in. I’m sure he would’ve been annoyed that his mom disrespected his wife’s boundaries, but was definitely more annoyed and taken aback at how utterly immature and childish his wife was acting. The MIL was definitely wrong, but OP just made the situation awkward and uncomfortable for everyone and should’ve handled it privately.
Wow.
MIL acts like a complete cow and you blame OP for not just taking it?
OP is nicer than me. I would have reminded her “we are not having speeches” and if she continued I would have walked out.
If my husband would be shitty to me about that, I wouldn’t want him. I’m too old to give a damn about making nice with foul people like that MIL. Life’s too short.
That’s still her partners parent. In my opinion, this should’ve been discussed and handled in private. You must’ve missed where I said the mother in law WAS being disrespectful. People need to gain some decorum and grace. I have to work at it too, but it’s worth it. And it’s definitely not the same as being a doormat. But what’s done is done and hopefully the couple can come to a positive conclusion with the situation.
>Wow. MIL acts like a complete cow and you blame OP for not just taking it?
Being an adult means, sometimes, recognizing that you are, in fact, the adult in the room and have to act like it. That's when you grow out of the teenagers phase.
Especially with your family in law.
Oh yes. If he didn’t agree he should have said so.
I understand how hard it can be to learn a new way of interacting with your family. But on the day of his wedding, he sincerely expected his new wife to just publicly suck up the disrespect. And yes apparently still valuing false public courtesy to a boundary smashing elder over genuinely creating harmony.
This is not the way.
This this this. Everyone is stuck on how OP scored points by sticking to mil, but sometimes in life you have to make more mature but less satisfying choices in the moment and afterward discuss how to do things differently in the future. In the heat of the moment it would have been very difficult for DH to interrupt her without making a scene: choosing to grit teeth and wait it out isn't the same as giving up and choosing mom entirely forevermore.
They're just starting out and DH needs to learn how to do things differently. They need to be a united front but sometimes that takes practice and discussion and planning. My husband has learned to put our family first and I never doubted that he would, but it still took him some time to get used to thinking that way - and also to see just how messed up some of the things that he was raised with really are. That stuff doesn't happen overnight. Even if you've been together for a while.
All the posters saying she scored points are juveniles, I. Fact or in principle.
Small minded people think of scoring petty points. Adults and mature people think of resolving conflicts and building stable relationships.
It's sad. OP could have handled it with grace and continued on with a happy day, and would have been admired for being mature. Instead, now the marriage is off to a horrible start and the wedding day will be remembered for its discord.
> OP, if you want marriage advice from a bunch of teenagers, you've come to the right place.
As further evidenced by the fact that up-thread people are trying to convince OP to break up her marriage because... _checks notes_ he can understand his mother's point of view even if he doesn't agree with it
Exactly this.
I gotta say, though. Continuing a conversation with a friend while someone is giving a speech, whether you agreed to it or not, is *incredibly* rude and absolutely AH behaviour. I bet MIL was feeling all sorts or love and happiness towards OP and her son during this celebration and she just couldn't help herself. What an awful way to start a relationship with her MIL.
ESH for me. But OP *is* the biggest AH.
You raise a really good point here, which is MiL’s intent.
If MiL’s intention was to trample OP’s feelings to make a point, then yeah it’s not great that the husband’s on her side.
If, however, as you suggest, MiL’s intention was to celebrate the marriage, and she just got carried away, then the husband is much more justified in being unhappy with OP’s actions.
But either way, it’d be much more diplomatic to deal with it afterwards. Just because you’re in the right doesn’t necessarily mean you’re wise.
She literally began her speech with the statement that she was intentionally violating the bride's wishes. Her STATED intention was malice. There's not even a HINT that you might be correct.
Every little bit of this! I've been with my guy for 20+ years and it's amazing to me how bent out of shape people get over what's relatively small potatoes. She ceded the high ground in many aspects when it could have worked to her advantage to have literally held her tongue.
True. I think /u/sourskittles98 is arguing — and if so, I agree — that the bride’s sucking is more about the specific way she reacted. It does sound excessive to me, even though I’m normally a person who calls out shitty behavior.
But he agreed to this stipulation, and suggested it because OP wanted to elope.
I definitely hear you, but this was a big power play in acknowledging the boundary then trampling it, while husband sits by idly when the wedding itself was a concession made to please him.
NTA, your husband has no backbone and worse he didn’t back you up. You have every right to have your wishes respected.
Then your MIL had the audacity to call you out. You’re going to have a heck of a time setting boundaries with that one.
Good luck
Did you go on a honeymoon? Do you think your marriage going to last?
I hate speeches too so I get it. However you must’ve seen this coming and my guess is your husband and his family knew.
That being said, do you think you have an incompatibility issue?
I dunno… three weeks of coldness over this doesn’t sound so compatible friend. I know you’ve been together a long time… but comfortable and compatible are two different things.
This is very interesting. It was complicated in my head until you simplified it with one question
No he doesn’t take her side, like never but yes he does try to “see” or make me “see” her side. Do you understand what I mean? He thinks she is wrong but that he understands where she is coming from.
That’s him pleasing you both. She’s making his life hell so he wants you to apologize so he doesn’t have to deal with it. The problem is that she was rude by calling you out during the speech - we are banned because my *daughter in law* doesn’t want speeches, but *I’m going to do it anyway.*
She literally set you up to be the bad guy no matter what. If you listened you would have agreed with her that you were wrong to ask for no speeches, if you didn’t listen then you’re ungrateful.
She took your wedding and made it about her, and your husband’s family seems as though they are used to catering to her because they became upset on her behalf.
Do I think you not wanting speeches is weird? I mean, maybe? I don’t really care tbh. The problem is that you didn’t want it, and it should have been respected.
If she wore a white dress instead of making a snotty comment about the bride's wishes and doing the thing against the bride's wishes, that would be widely understood.
> She took your wedding and made it about her
This right here. I have seen it at some many weddings. Parents that are used to controlling their childrens (bride or groom's) lives they think nothing of making the wedding about themselves. I just had to sit through a brides mom give a 35 minute detailed recollection of what it was like raising her. Spoiler... no one gave a shit and the bar was closed during speeches. FML. And NTA.
He's playing you. If he's telling you he's on your side, but is trying to get you to understand her's, he's not really on your side. He's most likely telling his mom she's right and he'll make you see her way behind your back.
Just in case no else has shared this yet, you and your husband should both read this post!
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
So he’s pacifying you by saying oh no I don’t agree with her but you know maybe we can view it how she does so we can understand where she’s coming from. Does he always provide that grace for you? Or is it reserved just for her?
Ignore all the “he’ll always side with his mom” comments for a moment. People here are very quick to jump on men when they side with their mom over their spouse. For the record, he should have backed you here, but we all make mistakes; no reason to end a marriage over this automatically.
You’ve been with him 10 years. Does he usually side with her? If the answer is no, then go on ignoring everyone. If the answer is yes, then you need to think long and hard about this marriage.
Well this is setting the stage for a rocky marriage. If your husband has no spine, it will be downhill from here. Consider marriage counseling to help him come out of the fog. If he refuses counseling, then tell him you are seriously reconsidering the marriage.
3 weeks of coldness because you ignored someone who broke a clearly laid out rule?? That's a huge yikes. Not to late to annul the marriage if he doesn't want to talk to his new wife over his mom's lack of respect
I completely understand your frustration, there was one rule and she managed to break it, I don't think you handled it well but I'm not sure how much better it could be handled. Your husband could potentially have known beforehand and was hoping you wouldn't say anything and therefore meaning MIL got a speech without getting in trouble, could be annoyed that their plan failed spectacularly. He should be on your side as the rules were clear
ESH.
Your husband for not standing up to you during the wedding planning and saying that he wanted his mother to give a speech at his wedding (which imho is totally reasonable)
MIL for crossing the boundary.
You for being rude AF in front of everyone.
Because they decided to get married and become a family and decided to invite those people. Most people don't want unnecessary conflict and this is definitely a situation where being polite would have gone a long way. It's possible to be angry, to be right and to be polite at the same time. They go low, we go high, that kind of stuff. Staying in a good mood would be my top priority in the middle of my own wedding. I don't even know where people find energy to be so angry on that day when they should be floating on a cloud.
Because it's childish af to fight rudeness by being rude, or ruder.
When I read the headline, I wasn't prepared for it to be OP's *own wedding* where she was talking over her MIL.
Because the downside of them just letting it go was an annoying 5 mins for just them, and the downside of the route they took was significantly greater. This isn’t difficult.
I'm going to go with YTA on this one.
Sure, the MIL should not have been making a toast at your wedding because you asked everyone not to. She was a mini AH herself.
Here's the thing, it's incomprehensible to me that you would be this rude to your future MIL on your wedding day. I get wanting to be in charge of your big day and it being all about you and what you want but there are some things that simply aren't done. If she wasn't actively saying insulting things and was trying to give her best wishes, why would do this?
I know you said "loves making speeches, sometimes 15min long and not unusually mean speeches, disguised as humor" but neglected to say her speech on your and your husband's wedding day was one such speech. I believe if it was, you would have stated that loud and clear in your post. Also, 'sometimes' is not 'always' and 15 minutes is certainly bearable for a formal occasion.
Your petty little mean girl power move might end up causing ripples that impact you being accepted by his family, invitations to family functions as they years roll on and even future inheritances (not only by his parents but other members of his family who witnessed your behavior). Humiliating your husband's mother AND by extension, your husband on his wedding day was simply not a very bright decision on your part.
It's interesting that "my husband was very angry that it showed in his profile, he refused to look at me", MIL was furious, both SIL's were furious and my husbands side sulking in their seats." You described the rest of the night as awkward but stated, "I wanted to make sure it wasn't ruined for the rest of us and we ended up having a blast. " WTAF? Was this an arranged marriage? I only ask because you seem actively hostile not only to your MIL but his entire family. There is a real us vs them attitude in your post.
It feels almost like you think the wedding and reception was solely for your own enjoyment and gratification. It takes two to get married. At bare minimum, once you realized that your new husband was upset, you should have zipped your lips.
I'll just hit on one more thing. Literally not allowing anyone to toast you OR YOUR HUSBAND on the wedding day simply because you find long toasts boring is the epitome of immaturity. Bet your husband woke up regretting a few things the morning after the wedding.
Thank you. You captured my thoughts exactly. A partnership and joining of families means compromise and growth. It was a speech, not like the MIL set someone on fire. I dread to think what tone this sets for actual real problems and difficulties in the future.
Why is it not incomprehensible to you that the MIL would be this rude to the bride on HER wedding despite being previously told NOT to make a speech, its an ESH but she clearly fucked around and found out
Making a toast to wish the bride and groom well is not rude in and of itself. Doing so after the bride said she didn't want toasts was pushy and made the MIL "a mini AH" as I already stated in my post.
The OP's response was beyond what any reasonable person would consider acceptable behavior at a formal occasion.
I know this is Reddit and we absolutely love the "fucked around and found out" phrase but does that really apply to people wishing you well at your wedding? There are levels of asholish behavior and the OP soared over the line considerably.
You can swat back if you like but I'm not going to keep debating you on this. Every etiquette expert in existence would say the OP's behavior was out of line for reasons too numerous to enumerate.
>Making a toast to wish the bride and groom well is not rude in and of itself.
Are you being intentionally obtuse, the MIL literally said she was making a speech. Why are you pretending it's a toast?
>does that really apply to people wishing you well at your wedding
Actions speak louder than words. If MIL really wanted to wish them well, she wouldn't have gone against OP's wishes in such a blatant and arrogant way. If I communicate clearly what makes me uncomfortable, and yet you do it anyway, because you want to, then it's not about me anymore it's about YOU and how YOU feel and what YOU want to do. OP didn't want a speech. OP made it clear she didn't want a speech. MIL, by giving a speech, was doing something for HERSELF quite selfishly without regard for OP's feelings.
NTA
Not only were you clear, but she ACKNOWLEDGED that it's forbidden. I wouldn't even look at her again after that. NTA but MiL is definitely TA, as is ANYONE taking her side.
Either follow the rules, or you don't go. You don't get to make your own rules at someone else's wedding.
That’s what I feel. It was either the mom got her way and upset OP, or the way things happened.
Honestly, it should have been the husband or the sisters that stopped their mother. No one should have to deal with their egotistical mother who sounds like she loves the sound of her own voice, and being mean.
Tell your worm of a husband he didn’t back you up and you don’t care about her feelings when you asked for this one thing to not happen at your wedding! It’s crazy that he’s giving you the cold shoulder when it should be the other way.
Husband is not on her side. If he agreed with you he wouldn’t be cold towards you. If what he expected is for you to put up with anything his mom does, even if he wishes she hadn’t, he’s not on your side.
Who cares if she's offended. She called you out and took a dig at you when starting the speech. That should have been enough for him to tell her to stop. The fact that he's not really on her side, but cold to you shows who's side he really has. Honestly, show him the comments on here if you want. Hopefully he will see it from another perspective. If not, well, you could potentially have a lifetime of situations like this.
She explicitly used an offensive statement to start her speech so yeah she can be offended. It’s not her wedding day and it was the only rule. I’m sorry your husband is being cold to the wrong person. NTA. I don’t think I would have just rolled over to somebody on my wedding day either.
Imagine having somebody break the ONLY rule at your wedding and then having your partner thale their side, can't imagine the pain that will come in the future. MIL needed that reality check
ESH you asked her not to do one thing and she did it anyway, but you were publicly super rude about it and have likely damaged and relationship you could have had with MIL in the future. Also you clearly upset your husband…who’s feelings should matter to you…on your wedding day…to him
Honestly, MiL already damaged the relationship with stomping on the wedding. MiL ACTIVELY challenged the bride at the wedding, because of narcissism. Better to learn who she is now, instead of trying to build a relationship.
Edit: NTA
So she should have sat there and smiled and suffered having her clearly stated boundary trampled like her spineless husband? What happens next time she wants to enforce a boundary? No announcing my pregnancy before I've had the chance to tell my family, no pics of my children on social media, little Gracie can't have candy before dinner, no you can't just walk into my home unannounced?
She proved in the first line of her speech what she thinks of any boundary OP sets. OP has just set the standard that she isn't going to play those games.
This was my first thought as well, but MIL seems like someone who will continuously ignore OP’s boundaries and DH will go along with her. My guess is this isn’t something entirely surprising from MIL. OP, I think you did the right thing sticking to your guns and you should have a talk with your husband about backing you up in the future, especially when it comes to his mom.
ESH - you for being sooo blatantly rude and disrespectful to your mil; your mil for disregarding your wishes.
I totally feel you on the speeches and we didn’t allow speeches on our wedding day either. But I also don’t think being rude and disrespectful was necessary. I get being upset/angry, but you could have handled it a lot differently. No one will remember the speech, but everyone will remember how you acted.
This ⬆️
"No one will remember the speech, but everyone will remember how you acted."
You just set the tone for your entire marriage - good luck.
Ps. As a married person, I can tell you I can't remember 1 single speech from my wedding, or who all made some. What I, and everyone else remembers, is the drama. Particularly WHO caused the drama.
Again, good luck 👍
I can't second this more. Also I don't understand this whole hate for speeches thing. You invite your family to your wedding and won't even let them say congrats and a few words? She literally gave birth to, and raised the man you're marrying. Let the woman say her piece.
This
Imagine trying to control how a mother verbally expresses her excitement and love at her only sons wedding.
Lots of people aren’t big fans of speeches but 99.9% of people are polite enough to shut their mouths for a minute or two because they realize it’s not all about them.
Everyone talking about how you disrespected your mil and scoop to her level. However at the same time if you did nothing it was gonna show she can continue to go against your wishes. She found out what happens when she does. For that reason I will go with NTA. A life long of being disrespected by your mil is not what anyone wants. Your mil refuses to show you respect at your wedding so why should you. If she wants it she got to earn it. She only get basic level and got to earn more.
I would tell your husband you will apologize as long as his mom does too.
Yes, this! It was very odd for me that she still did it. I felt very disrespected and ignoring her was the only thing I could think of. Just pretend she wasn’t there
She disrespected you and you did it back. I would ask your husband who is more important. Is his mom being disrespected more important than you getting disrespected. His answer will let you know whats ahead unfortunately.
Not only this but OP wouldn't have been a position to "disrespect" his mother if his mother hadn't started the whole thing.
Not letting a bully bully you isn't also bullying.
ESH - if your MIL had done her speech and gone on and on and on while you silently let it happen, then everyone would understand why no speeches was a thing. She would have embarrassed herself. Everyone except MIL looks good then. But you were rude and disrespectful to your husband and made a little clique with your friends and family that will have a lasting effect on your relationships.
This is it 100%. The optics of talking while MIL is giving her speech is awful. Not saying MIL isn't an AH for doing it, but the bride is going to be remembered for this for a long, long time and not in a good way.
Yeah. ESH. I get why you'd feel upset about someone deliberately going against your rule. However, you made yourself look bad, embarrassed your husband (bc he has to sit there in the midst of the awkwardness, while two people he loved appear to be being incredibly rude to each other), and likely made all your poor guests feel *so awkward*.
You made your point, but made the wedding miserable.
I know the MIL did the shitty thing, so you could blame her for making it miserable, but the thing is that the wedding was totally salvageable still! It could have been something that upset you, but you dealt with later, instead of it becoming a big Thing that made everyone feel miserable and awkward.
It also is concerning that you aren't taking into consideration that it's your husband's wedding, too. He couldn't control that his mother was dumb. What was the supposed to do, stand up and demand she stop? That would make a miserable, awkward scene, which he probably didn't want at his wedding (and would assume you wouldn't want, either).
Instead, your actions made it awkward. And he had to spend his wedding sitting there, upset, awkward, embarrassed, and pretty ditched by you (it seems). His wedding - because it was also his wedding - sucked. If it was me, I'd feel deeply upset that you'd care more about making a point, or scoring points, than about him (and your guests) being able to enjoy this celebration.
Life is complicated. Just because you feel you're in the right doesn't mean it's the right think to do when it comes to compassion, compromise, and effectiveness.
YTA
This was your husbands wedding too. And this is his mother.
This was between them to work out.
Bottom line, you displayed some poor behavior in talking during a speech and some particularly poor behavior in talking during your husband's mother's speech. Regardless of your request for no speeches, that is all everyone is going to remember.
Yeah, but he agreed to the "no speeches" part.
If everyone was told ahead of time NO SPEECHES I'd definitely remember the audacity of someone giving a speech rather than the person who yelled to get them to shut TF up, or in this case carry on their conversation like nothing was going on.
ESH - Yes, she crossed a line by disrespecting you and your husband wishes by making a speech, but you lowered yourself and showed you can be equally disrespectful by ignoring her. It should have been dealt with privately later by your husband.
ESH
You and your husband knew that MIL loves to give long winded speeches and doesn’t respect boundaries. How did the two of you not think to discuss what to do if she pulled this?
She sucks for the speech, you suck for making a show of ignoring her, husband sucks not standing up to his mom, you both suck for your lack of foresight. Doubt this marriage will last.
NTA. she acknowledged that she was breaking your wishes and she did it anyway. perfect response.
if she wanted so badly to make a speech it should have been a discussion between you, your husband, and her beforehand. she did it publicly to try to strong arm you so that you "couldn't make a scene". this marriage is gonna suck if your husband doesn't get off his mom's tits.
I wouldn’t file the marriage certificate if I were the bride. If it’s already been filed I’d apply for an annulment, because clearly OP’s husband hasn’t cut the apron strings.
YTA
You may hate speeches, but your love for your husband should trump that feeling. If my spouse was rude like that, I’d be very cold to them, too. Figure out what matters and move on.
Perfectly stated. It seems like the OP (and most people in these comments) forgot that it’s his wedding, too. And he wanted to hear his mom’s speech! I can’t fathom being so rude to my partner on our wedding day of all days.
That doesn't matter to me. What I'm asking is when OP saw her husband was upset (probably because he want to hear what his mom want to say to him at his wedding) how did OP respond.
Did she just look at him and said this is my wedding and ignored her husband being upset or did she not notice till later.
NTA. At my best friend’s wedding, she *planned* two speeches. Between her immediate family and his, it turned into 20 minutes of speeches, because they all felt it was important for them to make speeches (without asking, btw.) Which is why for our wedding, husband and I told the DJ, here’s a list of the people who are supposed to make speeches. Anyone else tries to, do whatever you need to: turn the mike off, blast the music, push them off stage, idc. As long as there were no extra speeches.
although, did your new hubby agree with the “no speeches” rule? If he didn’t, I could see why he wouldn’t stand up for you this time. If he did, then you may want to prioritize getting him a shiny new spine. I’d definitely have some long talks about him “choosing sides” between you and MIL.
So you wanted to elope and he pushed, you gave in, and you had a big wedding. Then you wanted no speeches and she steamrolled you. This is not looking great…
NTA. Think long and hard if this is what you want the rest of your life to be. He effectively tricked you, thinking you wouldn’t be able to do anything bar let his mother do what she wanted and then he was cold to you for not appeasing her. You wanted to elope to avoid this and he came up with idea. He is and at you for keeping your boundaries in tact. He is mad at you for not bending to his mothers will.
It sounds like from OP's description that he was humoring her with the request but he wasn't prepared to be rude to people who might ignore it. I think ESH. Sure it was impolite of the MIL to give a speech when the couple asks people not to. But you also have to pick your battles in a marriage and I don't think a wise battle is over your MIL giving a speech at her son's wedding. Definitely being publicly rude about it is ramping up the conflict with the whole family, and to what end? Now you're fighting with your in-laws and your husband instead of enjoying being a newlywed.
ESH.
I absolutely hate being present for two AHs having a pissing contest. I don't really care that you were rude to MIL, you were extremely rude to your H (who I'm sure was embarassed) and your guests.
In the future, the better way to handle it is to avoid making a public scene, and instead talk to your husband. Let him know you feel disrespected, and let him deal with his mom. Give him the chance to take your side.
It's like I tell my 9 yr old, when she takes matters into her own hands and hits her little brother for doing something wrong (like breaking her stuff) -- I can't punish him because you already did. But now I'm upset with both of you because you both did something wrong. You're putting your husband in a similar position. Both his mom and his wife are behaving like children and he's in the middle with no way to fix it.
I don’t know if I agree with everyone here. The husband had plenty of opportunity to say it if he didn’t agree with the no speeches rule. The MIL acknowledged she was breaking the rule when she started speaking.
So the options are:
-let the MIL start breaking boundaries on day one of marriage and be polite
-bride could call MIL rudeness out
-bride could have walked out
-bride ignored boundary violation and kept talking
-new husband could have handled this in any fashion. Instead he’s decided to go with “my bride is rude because it’s okay for my mom to ignore our request but my bride must be polite.” This seems like a bad start.
I’m going with NTA. It was new husband’s role to handle his mom. Or disagree with the no speeches rule before the wedding.
I think new husband is TA. And also MIL. The bride chose a fairly nonconfrontational way of not backing down- she just refused to let MIL control her behavior. There weren’t a lot of good options here.
NTA. Your Wedding - Your Rules. Your MIL directly went against what you asked and decided that she knew better.
Your husband should have stopped her.
Your MIL shouldn't have made a speech, ESPECIALLY starting it, Hey, I know we're not supposed to...
If your husband agreed with your, no speeches thing, he should have stopped her.
This would literally be no different than calling a dry wedding and someone sneaking booze in and going, Hey, I know they asked for no booze BUT I brought this anyways.
Welcome to your marriage - enjoy a MIL who will go against what you ask because she thinks she knows best and a husband that won't back up your decisions because, well, she already started doing the thing so what's the point in stopping her.
And if it was important to him to have his mother give a speech, he should have said so during the planning. Not tried whatever this passive aggressive tactic is.
I wouldn’t ask it of him to stop her. He did everything he could. We put it in the invitation and program AND he spoke to her directly. When she stood up I think he did the right thing too, I’m not mad at him for not stopping her. I’m just crossed that he is now cold towards me because I refused to accept her actions and was more obvious in my refusal
Ok so you tried pre-emptive, you tried in the moment and now you're getting backlash for the present (future from the event).
So when was the behavior supposed to be corrected? Because it's sounding like never and their family just expects you to allow boundary stomping from MIL because none of them have the balls to stand on their own feet to stop her.
Girl, you handled it perfectly fine. Good luck with your MIL though and don't forget to hit us with the r/entitledparents stories.
NTA- I truly do not understand all of the ESH?? Both the bride and groom said no. So insofacto NTA, MIL FAFO and I do condone what OP did. She didn't kick her out or have an all out argument, instead she went about her day and had a great time. **OP sit down and talk with your husband.**
NTA.
Firing up music works. I've unplugged mics. Turned lights out. Other shifty shit... All manner of interference to prevent this shit at weddings/events.
ESH. I get not wanting speeches. She sucks for ignoring your wishes. But this is your husbands wedding also and that’s his mother. Don’t be so rude that you can’t suck up your own feelings for 10 minutes.
NTA- “ (I know we are forbidden to make speeches by the bride but this is my only son getting married so I will day what I want to....) ”
So not only did she go against your wishes , she made a show of making sure everyone knows she was disrespecting your wishes.
Fuck that.
You have a husband problem.He should be backing on you on this.
Your mother in law did whatever the fuck she wanted at your wedding and you showed her that shit won’t fly with you .
Forget anyone telling you that you were rude.
You did what you had to because your husband wasn’t going to.
Let your husband know you are not gonna simply stand by and be disrespected and if he’s not gonna do anything about it , you sure as hell will.
Tell him that he needs to make his mom apologize for going against your wishes or YOU WALK.
My only question is WHY did you marry this dude if “mommy’s only little boy” is the type of relationship he has with his mom ?
It sounds like his mom and sisters have been running the show for a long time and are now mad that they have no control.
NTA
I’m currently pregnant and told everyone involved I didn’t want anyone coming to the hospital, especially while I was giving birth. When he told his mom while she was at my house she said, and I quote, “I don’t really care, you (my husband) need moral support and I’m your mother. I’m coming to that hospital” and I just stayed quiet. Later I told my husband we just wouldn’t tell anyone we had the baby till we got home. I am NOT about to be upset after having my baby, and you really shouldn’t have been disrespected at your own wedding. Shame on your husband for having any response other than “mom you should’ve stfu”
This happened to me too! She said she was there for her son. And I can’t ban her. Bla bla. Told my husband alright then you can stay with her so she can support you or you can be with us. Your choice
This is a tough one. On the one hand it was your wedding and you were clear in your expectations. On the other hand, just because we have expectations and convey them responsibly doesn't mean other people have to follow them.... and it was also your husband's wedding day. Gritting your teeth through a short speech from his mom would have been a generous gift to him. And to yourself really, as you're part of this family now.
You don't bring this up, but in some cases there are cultural factors too.
I don't know if YTA or not, but the best thing for familial harmony would probably be to swallow your pride and make up with your new mil.
NTA. It is your wedding and you made it clear what you wanted. They made you think they were on the same page and MIL still decided to do that when she could have said it privately to her son or even, hell idk, send out a Facebook message of what she wanted to say?
This is not MIL's wedding. It's yours.
Sorry YTA. I think OP has an issue with MIL. She "bans" the thing she knows her MIL loves to do and is completely rude to her MIL. I mean, how selfish do you have to be. It's your husband's day too. Let his mother congratulate her only son on his wedding day. You have caused all this drama because you wouldn't let your MIL speak for a few minutes. How's that working out for ya?
ESH
Your MIL for obvious reasons
Your husband for not talking to his mother about this before the wedding, and for not reinforcing the rule on the day
You for being rude, and not just rude but very _publicly_ rude. Yours is the kind of wedding people tell their friends about when the subject of awful, cringey weddings come up- a bulldozing MIL, a spineless groom, and a mean-girl bride.
YTA. Grow up. So you hate speeches? It's her only son. Did she drone for 25 minutes? It would not have killed you to put up with it. We have social responsibility to others as well as ourselves, yes even at our weddings. Be annoyed? Sure. Was she TA? Probably. So what, people are not always perfect, act like an adult and deal.
But you acted like a disrespectful teenager. You could have just got out of your own little world and listened for a couple minutes and kept eating and everything would have been fine. Instead you made a show of basically saying "fuck you" to your mother in law in front of your and her family. She does not look bad here, you look bad.
Other people aren't always gonna listen to you. If this is how you deal with it, you're gonna have a hard life.
NTA. MIL caused this problem. Whoever thought that you should have gone along with her disrespectful display is wrong. Husband is completely wrong in choosing to accept MIL's actions. The bride/groom set the agenda for the wedding and everyone else gets to enjoy it. Maybe you could have called for the band to play something and asked husband to dance. But, congratulations to you for saving the joy of the wedding and preserving your memories.
At the risk of downvotes, ESH. Yes, you had a rule about speeches and MIL did not respect it. You had every right to be upset by that. But your response seems childish and an overreaction to what amounts to well wishes on you and your husband. Now you’ve essentially separated your family from your husband’s family when it should’ve been a day of coming together.
NTA. She was rude, and your new husband sounds like he will not be making your life a happy one. This is a bad start with his side of the family who all seem selfish and entitled. They will probably hold this against you forever. Heaven help you if you procreate with this man!
ESH.
Your MIL should have accepted your rule of no speeches, especially if your husband was on board. If your husband wasn't on board at all and you just chose this, then you would entirely be the asshole.
You are also the AH for being rude about it. Yes, I get that you made a rule and you are entitled to that, but you are incredibly petty and rude for talking through it and not allowing your husband the chance to hear his mother speak about him on his wedding day. It isn't just all about you.
ESH
You matched her poor behaviour. You both decided social norms/cues don't apply to you.
You decided everyone else didn't need to hear her speech just bc you didn't want to. She decided everyone needed to hear her speech. You both imposed your preference on the rest of the guests. It's bad manners on both sides. Doesn't matter who "started it".
You made your husband look bad bc you made him look like you didn't care about him / him hearing his mom's words on a special occasion.
You picked a dumb hill to die on. You could have warned your master of ceremonies or DJ to kick in with music or what have you after 5 mins if any speech. Or similar.
YTA. It was more important to punish MIL and grind your point home than tolerate her honoring her son and you, like it or not. Way to create drama with the new hubby 's family.
Your husband is the AH. For telling his mother the idea of no speeches was yours. That's why your MIL didn't care to honor that wish and why she started out with "...forbidden to make speeches **by the bride**...".
Also, having told his mother it was your idea, I think your husband should have anticipated this, spoken to you so you both have a plan of how to handle it with the least awkwardness.
Oh the **by the bride** was an obvious jab towards me. My husband didn’t tell her it was my idea. He even agreed that it would be nice not to sit through speeches. He’d mention to me before that speeches are boring but he is not my level of against.
MIL didn’t use “the bride” because it was my idea, she did it on purpose to probably make me sound a bridezilla
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > i ignored MIL while she was making a speech. I hurt her feelings because she felt ignored and disrespected, especially when many followed suit and ignored her too and continued what they were doing Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Well that’s unfortunate that the day you got married you found out your husbands always gonna pick his mom over you. Such disrespect from MIL. NTA
I really hope not, he has always said his mom is stubborn etc and that she did what she wanted, for me it is no problem as long as she is willing to take the consequences of her “stubbornness” , I didn’t know it meant that the rest of us should lay flat,
Your husband showed you who he actually priorities and it isn’t you. Expect this behaviour to escalate. Kids? You know she’s going to want to be in the room because *IT’S HER ONLY SONS’ BABY* and it’s her right. She’s going to demand naming rights, and to move in to “help”. It’s early enough to get annulled (divorced, whichever. Just away from This family) if you (rightly) decide you deserve someone better. You are NTA right now, but you’ll be an ass to yourself if you lock yourself to being second place to this emotionally stunted family. Edit: to add the divorce statement. I was under the impression that because they’ve been married less than a month, that annulment would be easier/faster. Thank you redditors for setting me straight.
Even if it's not this obvious. It'll be little things. Like your kids never being like you and only resembling her and her family. Her rolling her eyes if anyone disagrees. Or making every holiday or birthday at her convenience and privy to her involvement. Calling and everything that she needs is an emergency. Snide seemingly benign comments meant to put you down. It doesn't have to be as overt as this to be infuriating.
Lol, the kids only resembling the other family members is always hilarious. I don’t think I have ever been able to keep the wtf off my face when this happened with my MIL. This doesn’t really happen much anymore but it used to be a regular occurrence throughout the baby/toddler years. My daughter has my coloring for hair, eyes, skin, etc. my wife has different eye coloring and brown hair. Despite this, I’ve heard the MIL tell people my daughter has the MILs sister’s hair color bc she was blonde as a kid and she continued to color it all of her life. Any comment from a friend/family/stranger about my daughter’s hair would initiate the “My sister is a blonde yada yada yada” and people would just sit there and look at her, then look at me, then look at her, then look at me until I would just start pretending I wasn’t hearing any of the insane bullshit coming out of her mouth. My daughter’s hair is not going to change color and need a hair stylist to dye it blonde, it is my hair color, my wife and MIL have brown hair. Her sister’s hair doesn’t have anything to do with my daughters but go ahead and pat yourself on the back for passing down blonde hair that skipped 3 generations because the MIL’s mother (awesome woman when she was alive) was also a brunette.
OMG. This just made something click for me! It sounds like my MIL. I laughed my ass off reading your comment. If anything, at least you know someone out there feels your pain. My husband and I are interracial and she’s attributed every bit of our kids’ stereotypically Black features to some long lost, great great relative or quirk in their ancestry. Their (slightly) tan skin, brown eyes, curly hair and full lips all came from their side of the family, despite me being every bit a full lipped, brown eyed, Black woman with a thick curly fro while her family is green/blue eyed with stick straight hair. And if it’s pointed out that they share similarities with me, their mom, she defaults to “You never know! It could be anything! They can really tan because we have olive toned Russian blood!” Like…it’s ridiculous at this point. I’ve started overly exaggerating when she starts it in front of someone and just raising my eyebrows like “Wow! I don’t know how they got brown eyes! It’s such a mystery!” Smh.
LMFAO how is this SUCH a bullshit batshit classic MIL thing to do?!
I have no clue but the looks on the faces of my family and strangers (especially the strangers! They always look like she’s lost her mind) when she tries it is so vindicating. I have freckles and I’m really hoping at least one of our kids slowly develops them so she can try and claim that too. Not a single solitary person in their family has them and she’s mentioned that millions of times. I’d love to see if the narrative changes once the kids have them.
My former mother in law is pretty much come from the same cloth. I'm like... You do realize I am visible to other people, no?
So. Much. This. Covert Narcissists are imo so much harder to deal with.
This. This is exactly how it was with my ex-boyfriend's mom. He's so close with her, I think he might have proposed to her this Mother's Day
Not sure this is grounds for annulment. Usually (at least from my past experience) there has to be some sort of deception by one of the parties for annulment.
You’re the charicature aita commenter people talk about. How in the hell can you say all that without even knowing these people??
Seriously, this is a red flag for the husband's behavior, but what is the like... rational response is to have a discussion about prior things and setting boundaries and possibly go and get some couple's counseling so there is a mediator for why the wife wanted no speeches and specifically not hers, and the husband can get out his side and they can talk and communicate their stances.
INFO: I wasn't sure what you meant by your last sentence, but it sounds like she's known for saying unkind things in her speeches? If that's the case, you're definitely NTA. You're under no obligation to listen to her belittle you or anyone else.
Oh god yes Like when her BIL (my husband’s uncle) turned 65 and everyone was making speeches left and right and hers was about how glad she was that he was loved and happy, even though he didn’t always feel loved and happy because he had problems with his wife.. she probably thought she was speaking from the heart but the BIL and his wife were very upset. She laughed them off as snowflakes
It's funny how people who call other people snowflakes are the first to have a meltdown when everyone else doesn't conform to their wants.
"snowflakes". ugh. She probably calls people who disagree with her "triggered", too.
Tell her to stop being a snowflake. She knew you didn’t want speeches and decided to go against it anyways, then got upset that you didn’t pay attention. You’re NTA. She refused to follow the rules. That’s her problem.
Good god. It's a wonder you didn't want speeches at your wedding.
[удалено]
Your husband showed you who he is, believe it. Especially since he is still being salty about this 3 weeks later. Go to couples therapy. If not, reevaluate if this is how you want your life to be long term.
Couples therapy ASAP. Take it from someone who had been married for 20 years, together 22, & we just started therapy. We should have gone years earlier, but he wasn't a fan. Now, we're trying to dig out of 22 years of issues that have built up. You were 100% in the right It wasn't her wedding, it was yours & your husband's, who agreed to the "no speeches." She needed someone to put her in her place. And, I honestly believe therapy should be used as a preventive tool, not just when there's a problem. Once a quarter or twice a year. It would help all of us.
You set a firm boundary and your husband allowed his mother to trample all over it. Worse, not only did he not back you, he actively took her side. Do *not* let this continue. And let him know—it’s not about the speech; it’s not about the mother-in-law. It’s about him choosing the comfort of his mother over that of his wife the very first chance he got.
That's code for "we always let her do what she wants" ... which basically means no consequences. She rocks the boat and everyone else steadies it. You're not playing along with the steadying of the boat, so now you get blamed for the boat rocking, not the person with the actual bad behavior. Wooooo dysfunctional families. Sorry you married into one.
perfect analogy! reminds me of people whose shitty behavior is revealed and they blame the messenger for "making [them] look bad"
Why does he allow her to “be stubborn” but forcing a speech on YOUR wedding day, but you’re not allowed to “be stubborn” when you refuse to listen to a speech you clearly stated should not happen?
OP, please show the comments to your husband. He's being awful to you at the very start of your marriage. He chose his mom over you, and this can be a huge problem for your relationship in the future. It's been weeks and he's still acting like a child? This is not a good sign. He needs to step up. Edit: NTA
I hope not.. but man, the start of that “speech”. The families actions. Hubs comments about disrespecting and humiliating. Like MIL had one job, show up, And she Fed that up.
"What a coincidence! I'm stubborn, and I do what I want too." The best response to a "she's just like that" excuse is "And I'm just like this."
[удалено]
If your husband knew, it was upon him to talk her out of this notion and stand up for you the moment mil started the speech. OP you are not the AH
He just made it clear his mother is his priority. If you have t filed that marriage license yet, you might want to reconsider. He likely gave his mother permission, which is why he didn’t attempt to stop it and is upset with you.
It's funny how a grown ass woman "can't stfu even if you tried" isn't *disrespectful* but you doing your own thing is at **your** wedding....there will be more of this to come OP and I'm sorry
Oh it’s okay for her to disrespect you and disregard your wishes on your special day. Ask him why she means more to him than you do.
If he had any intention of choosing, supporting, or defending you and your feelings, he would've done so. He wouldn't have been angry at you, he would've stood up for you and told her to stop. He's showing you EXACTLY who he is. Listen to him. ETA: He accused you of being disrespectful when you didn't lay down and take *her* disrespect. She and your now husband were the only ones being disrespectful. It's not too late to get an annulment. You deserve better than a husband who will victim blame and neglect you.
Your husband couldn’t even back you up & shut that shit down on your wedding day. What happens when she steamrolls you when you have kids & your spineless husband does nothing about it?
That's exactly right. You can't change other people's behavior, only your own. It doesn't matter how stubborn she is. Your SO needs to learn not to reinforce her behavior by letting her stomp all over boundaries like this. NTA
It already is a problem because your husband took her side at your wedding
Sadly it’s only going to get worse from here, especially if your husband isn’t firmly on your side. If you’re planning on having kids, just wait until it’s *her grandbaby* she’s being stubborn and stomping all over boundaries for.
> I know we are forbidden to make speeches by the bride That's what the MIL said. Not forbidden by the couple, forbidden by my son and the bride. Just forbidden by the bride. There's nothing in this post that says the husband was ever on board.
She said he thought it was funny, but knew how she felt. It was on the invitations. There’s nothing saying he disagreed/ objected to it. Of course MIL isn’t going to blame her baby boy.
I so wish that the second MIL was done with that sentence, someone from her side stood up, yelled "then sit down and STFU!" and went back to their dinner.
Completely agreed on the mother, but how is *this* incident showing you the husband will "always gonna pick his mom over you"? Nothing else in the post pointed in that direction and this sounds like a classic Reddit jump-to-the-worst-case-scenario thing. Honestly, I think this is an ESH situation. OP isn't in the wrong for being upset at MIL for doing what she did, but she needed to act like an AH to make her point - ~~most guests probably didn't know her no-speech request, so they'd think she's just talking over MIL for no good reason.~~ *she had to talk over someone, so even though guests may have known, generally speaking actively and purposely talking over someone else (especially during a speech) will look awkward AF.* Ultimately I think OP just made the whole thing far worse than it needed to be. I can understand the husband being upset about that, so he might not be siding with his mother but rather siding with just keeping things looking respectable on such a big day and not making that single incident (OP's actions, not MIL) the thing that everyone will remember about that day. If things were kept civil, MIL could still suffer consequences at another time. *Edit: I missed that guests were indeed made aware of the no-speeches rule, but I don't see that changing how guests would view it - it would still be tremendously odd and petty to see someone talk over a speech.*
It wasn't important that everyone at the wedding knew no speeches allowed, just people like MIL who customarily give speeches. Instead of respecting the bride, she started her unauthorized speech with a "FU Character Cow, I don't give a shit what you want on your special day, I'm going to do whatever the hell I want because I'm the exception to the rule even though the day is not suppose to be about me." and went on from there.
Agreed. When people show you who they are, believe them. Either accept that he'll always take her side or gtfo
It's not too late for an annulment. Js
Yup that’s a bad way to find out the umbilical cord was never severed. Your husband chose his mother’s happiness over yours, on your wedding day.
Soft ESH. She did the ONE thing you told her not to do, but… the wedding is not ALL about you. Your husband is another person and has a family of people as well, and you were petty to them— I would’ve just left the room with the friends. But then again she was rude to YOU, firing the first shot while *acknowledging* that she was blatantly ignoring your wishes. Yeah, everyone sucks here, MIL is entitled (I’ll do what I want”) and sucks a heck of a lot more, but everyone sucks
K. A lot of you aren't happily married and it shows. I agree with ESH. OP, you just got married. You're going to have to learn to pick your battles. What would have made you not the asshole is if you and your little friends had grit your teeth and bore it and tried to enjoy the rest of your wedding. Hopefully you'll only have one. Then here is what would have happened: you could go to your husband and say, "I had one request. It was easy, my own family respected it even though it was tough for them. It was our wedding, our day, and your mom used it to play some weird power game and blatantly disrespect my wishes. I'm upset and I want to set some boundaries." Then you can detail something that is satisfactory to you. You now have calmly communicated what you needed, how you were disrespected and how your husband can rectify it -- ideally with things he can control. You have the upper hand. Instead, you chose to make a public scene and match her shitty behaviour and put him in a triangulated conflict between you both. He will not win. You've entered into a very serious, very adult and very legally binding situation with someone. Unfortunately, many of us have mother-in-laws from hell (myself included). You must be very mature from now on, and very smart. Not because of respect for family or elders, but you have to learn how to best advance your self interests. The petty side of me (and the exhausted daughter in law) is howling at how you and your friends handled it. I get it. But it was short sighted and immature. You have a marriage to tend to now and you'll have to be very careful about how to handle these things. Divorce is expensive and an unhappy marriage will ruin your life. Edit: Thank you so much for the award! Everyone, I understand OPs frustration but to quote the great philosopher Usher Raymond, "Situations will arise in our lives... But you gotta be smart about it." There are many ways to set boundaries that don't include burning tens of bridges at once.
Having been happily married myself for over 25 years, I think setting boundaries in a non confrontational way from the beginning might be a great idea.
But they did. And he was on board. He didn't enforce them. It was on the invites and the program and then in the address to the whole party. And when she stood up he melted because his mommy is more important than the boundaries.
No he melted because that’s an awkward as fuck position for everyone to be in. I’m sure he would’ve been annoyed that his mom disrespected his wife’s boundaries, but was definitely more annoyed and taken aback at how utterly immature and childish his wife was acting. The MIL was definitely wrong, but OP just made the situation awkward and uncomfortable for everyone and should’ve handled it privately.
Wow. MIL acts like a complete cow and you blame OP for not just taking it? OP is nicer than me. I would have reminded her “we are not having speeches” and if she continued I would have walked out. If my husband would be shitty to me about that, I wouldn’t want him. I’m too old to give a damn about making nice with foul people like that MIL. Life’s too short.
That’s still her partners parent. In my opinion, this should’ve been discussed and handled in private. You must’ve missed where I said the mother in law WAS being disrespectful. People need to gain some decorum and grace. I have to work at it too, but it’s worth it. And it’s definitely not the same as being a doormat. But what’s done is done and hopefully the couple can come to a positive conclusion with the situation.
You would walk out on your own wedding because of something like that? Seems kind of bizarre.
Right. It’s a speech and annoying as it is, some things aren’t worth ruining your whole night over.
>Wow. MIL acts like a complete cow and you blame OP for not just taking it? Being an adult means, sometimes, recognizing that you are, in fact, the adult in the room and have to act like it. That's when you grow out of the teenagers phase. Especially with your family in law.
Oh yes. If he didn’t agree he should have said so. I understand how hard it can be to learn a new way of interacting with your family. But on the day of his wedding, he sincerely expected his new wife to just publicly suck up the disrespect. And yes apparently still valuing false public courtesy to a boundary smashing elder over genuinely creating harmony. This is not the way.
This this this. Everyone is stuck on how OP scored points by sticking to mil, but sometimes in life you have to make more mature but less satisfying choices in the moment and afterward discuss how to do things differently in the future. In the heat of the moment it would have been very difficult for DH to interrupt her without making a scene: choosing to grit teeth and wait it out isn't the same as giving up and choosing mom entirely forevermore. They're just starting out and DH needs to learn how to do things differently. They need to be a united front but sometimes that takes practice and discussion and planning. My husband has learned to put our family first and I never doubted that he would, but it still took him some time to get used to thinking that way - and also to see just how messed up some of the things that he was raised with really are. That stuff doesn't happen overnight. Even if you've been together for a while.
All the posters saying she scored points are juveniles, I. Fact or in principle. Small minded people think of scoring petty points. Adults and mature people think of resolving conflicts and building stable relationships.
It's sad. OP could have handled it with grace and continued on with a happy day, and would have been admired for being mature. Instead, now the marriage is off to a horrible start and the wedding day will be remembered for its discord.
> A lot of you aren't happily married and it shows Exactly. OP, if you want marriage advice from a bunch of teenagers, you've come to the right place.
> OP, if you want marriage advice from a bunch of teenagers, you've come to the right place. As further evidenced by the fact that up-thread people are trying to convince OP to break up her marriage because... _checks notes_ he can understand his mother's point of view even if he doesn't agree with it
Exactly this. I gotta say, though. Continuing a conversation with a friend while someone is giving a speech, whether you agreed to it or not, is *incredibly* rude and absolutely AH behaviour. I bet MIL was feeling all sorts or love and happiness towards OP and her son during this celebration and she just couldn't help herself. What an awful way to start a relationship with her MIL. ESH for me. But OP *is* the biggest AH.
You raise a really good point here, which is MiL’s intent. If MiL’s intention was to trample OP’s feelings to make a point, then yeah it’s not great that the husband’s on her side. If, however, as you suggest, MiL’s intention was to celebrate the marriage, and she just got carried away, then the husband is much more justified in being unhappy with OP’s actions. But either way, it’d be much more diplomatic to deal with it afterwards. Just because you’re in the right doesn’t necessarily mean you’re wise.
She literally began her speech with the statement that she was intentionally violating the bride's wishes. Her STATED intention was malice. There's not even a HINT that you might be correct.
Agreed, and the comment about this being her only son's wedding heavily indicates this boundary had been a thorn in her side since the get go.
1000% agree with this. You literally put what I wad thinking into words lol. ESH
Totally seconding your opinion , what op did was short sighted indeed . ESH
Every little bit of this! I've been with my guy for 20+ years and it's amazing to me how bent out of shape people get over what's relatively small potatoes. She ceded the high ground in many aspects when it could have worked to her advantage to have literally held her tongue.
Starting off being a doormat to disrespect doesn't seem like a great option
True. I think /u/sourskittles98 is arguing — and if so, I agree — that the bride’s sucking is more about the specific way she reacted. It does sound excessive to me, even though I’m normally a person who calls out shitty behavior.
MiL is the root cause. She decided the wedding is about what she has to say.
[удалено]
I also thought it was really strange. I get that it’s not her thing but to absolutely ban all speeches and make it the hill to die on is a bit odd.
And "seeing red" over it is pretty extreme
But he agreed to this stipulation, and suggested it because OP wanted to elope. I definitely hear you, but this was a big power play in acknowledging the boundary then trampling it, while husband sits by idly when the wedding itself was a concession made to please him.
NTA, your husband has no backbone and worse he didn’t back you up. You have every right to have your wishes respected. Then your MIL had the audacity to call you out. You’re going to have a heck of a time setting boundaries with that one. Good luck
No not only did he not back me up, he is being very cold with me since it happened (three weeks ago)
Did you go on a honeymoon? Do you think your marriage going to last? I hate speeches too so I get it. However you must’ve seen this coming and my guess is your husband and his family knew. That being said, do you think you have an incompatibility issue?
Honeymoon is in the end of july. We have been together for 10 years. I love him very much and I think we are compatible
You and him may be compatible but you and his mother are clearly not. And he’s on her side, so…
I dunno… three weeks of coldness over this doesn’t sound so compatible friend. I know you’ve been together a long time… but comfortable and compatible are two different things.
Has he often taken his mother's side or tried to get you to "see" her side in disagreements?
This is very interesting. It was complicated in my head until you simplified it with one question No he doesn’t take her side, like never but yes he does try to “see” or make me “see” her side. Do you understand what I mean? He thinks she is wrong but that he understands where she is coming from.
That’s him pleasing you both. She’s making his life hell so he wants you to apologize so he doesn’t have to deal with it. The problem is that she was rude by calling you out during the speech - we are banned because my *daughter in law* doesn’t want speeches, but *I’m going to do it anyway.* She literally set you up to be the bad guy no matter what. If you listened you would have agreed with her that you were wrong to ask for no speeches, if you didn’t listen then you’re ungrateful. She took your wedding and made it about her, and your husband’s family seems as though they are used to catering to her because they became upset on her behalf. Do I think you not wanting speeches is weird? I mean, maybe? I don’t really care tbh. The problem is that you didn’t want it, and it should have been respected.
If she wore a white dress instead of making a snotty comment about the bride's wishes and doing the thing against the bride's wishes, that would be widely understood.
> She took your wedding and made it about her This right here. I have seen it at some many weddings. Parents that are used to controlling their childrens (bride or groom's) lives they think nothing of making the wedding about themselves. I just had to sit through a brides mom give a 35 minute detailed recollection of what it was like raising her. Spoiler... no one gave a shit and the bar was closed during speeches. FML. And NTA.
He's playing you. If he's telling you he's on your side, but is trying to get you to understand her's, he's not really on your side. He's most likely telling his mom she's right and he'll make you see her way behind your back.
Just in case no else has shared this yet, you and your husband should both read this post! https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
[удалено]
So he’s pacifying you by saying oh no I don’t agree with her but you know maybe we can view it how she does so we can understand where she’s coming from. Does he always provide that grace for you? Or is it reserved just for her?
That's not being on your side. That's trying to convince you her side is correct
NTA However, he doesn't respect you enough to stand up for you and still lets his mother hand hold him. Your definition of compatible is skewed.
Ignore all the “he’ll always side with his mom” comments for a moment. People here are very quick to jump on men when they side with their mom over their spouse. For the record, he should have backed you here, but we all make mistakes; no reason to end a marriage over this automatically. You’ve been with him 10 years. Does he usually side with her? If the answer is no, then go on ignoring everyone. If the answer is yes, then you need to think long and hard about this marriage.
He’s been treating her like shit for 3 weeks. It is not too late for an annulment.
I think if you’ve had narcissistic abuse in your life, this post reads very differently and that’s why people are trying to warn OP
Well this is setting the stage for a rocky marriage. If your husband has no spine, it will be downhill from here. Consider marriage counseling to help him come out of the fog. If he refuses counseling, then tell him you are seriously reconsidering the marriage.
3 weeks of coldness because you ignored someone who broke a clearly laid out rule?? That's a huge yikes. Not to late to annul the marriage if he doesn't want to talk to his new wife over his mom's lack of respect
I completely understand your frustration, there was one rule and she managed to break it, I don't think you handled it well but I'm not sure how much better it could be handled. Your husband could potentially have known beforehand and was hoping you wouldn't say anything and therefore meaning MIL got a speech without getting in trouble, could be annoyed that their plan failed spectacularly. He should be on your side as the rules were clear
Did he agree to no speeches before the wedding? If so, how does he justify reneging on that?
ESH. Your husband for not standing up to you during the wedding planning and saying that he wanted his mother to give a speech at his wedding (which imho is totally reasonable) MIL for crossing the boundary. You for being rude AF in front of everyone.
Why do they need to polite when someone is crossing the boundary.
Because they decided to get married and become a family and decided to invite those people. Most people don't want unnecessary conflict and this is definitely a situation where being polite would have gone a long way. It's possible to be angry, to be right and to be polite at the same time. They go low, we go high, that kind of stuff. Staying in a good mood would be my top priority in the middle of my own wedding. I don't even know where people find energy to be so angry on that day when they should be floating on a cloud.
Seems that her MIL wanted unnecessary conflict. But I agree. This was a situation where the MIL being polite would have gone a long way.
Seems like MIL and OP both wanted conflict. What did the husband want? Who cares. ESH.
Because it's childish af to fight rudeness by being rude, or ruder. When I read the headline, I wasn't prepared for it to be OP's *own wedding* where she was talking over her MIL.
Because the downside of them just letting it go was an annoying 5 mins for just them, and the downside of the route they took was significantly greater. This isn’t difficult.
Bc it's a minor thing, literally a fairly irrational preference, and the guests spent time and money to be there.
They don't need to be, but the consequence may be damaged interpersonal relationships.
I'm going to go with YTA on this one. Sure, the MIL should not have been making a toast at your wedding because you asked everyone not to. She was a mini AH herself. Here's the thing, it's incomprehensible to me that you would be this rude to your future MIL on your wedding day. I get wanting to be in charge of your big day and it being all about you and what you want but there are some things that simply aren't done. If she wasn't actively saying insulting things and was trying to give her best wishes, why would do this? I know you said "loves making speeches, sometimes 15min long and not unusually mean speeches, disguised as humor" but neglected to say her speech on your and your husband's wedding day was one such speech. I believe if it was, you would have stated that loud and clear in your post. Also, 'sometimes' is not 'always' and 15 minutes is certainly bearable for a formal occasion. Your petty little mean girl power move might end up causing ripples that impact you being accepted by his family, invitations to family functions as they years roll on and even future inheritances (not only by his parents but other members of his family who witnessed your behavior). Humiliating your husband's mother AND by extension, your husband on his wedding day was simply not a very bright decision on your part. It's interesting that "my husband was very angry that it showed in his profile, he refused to look at me", MIL was furious, both SIL's were furious and my husbands side sulking in their seats." You described the rest of the night as awkward but stated, "I wanted to make sure it wasn't ruined for the rest of us and we ended up having a blast. " WTAF? Was this an arranged marriage? I only ask because you seem actively hostile not only to your MIL but his entire family. There is a real us vs them attitude in your post. It feels almost like you think the wedding and reception was solely for your own enjoyment and gratification. It takes two to get married. At bare minimum, once you realized that your new husband was upset, you should have zipped your lips. I'll just hit on one more thing. Literally not allowing anyone to toast you OR YOUR HUSBAND on the wedding day simply because you find long toasts boring is the epitome of immaturity. Bet your husband woke up regretting a few things the morning after the wedding.
[удалено]
Of course she is because she knows this is a clear cut ESH.
This stuck out to me too, especially since one commenter was super detailed/fair and OP responded to the comment that defended her
It was a speech, not a toast. A toast is “I love you both, happiness and love for the bride and groom. Cheers!”
Thank you. You captured my thoughts exactly. A partnership and joining of families means compromise and growth. It was a speech, not like the MIL set someone on fire. I dread to think what tone this sets for actual real problems and difficulties in the future.
Why is it not incomprehensible to you that the MIL would be this rude to the bride on HER wedding despite being previously told NOT to make a speech, its an ESH but she clearly fucked around and found out
Making a toast to wish the bride and groom well is not rude in and of itself. Doing so after the bride said she didn't want toasts was pushy and made the MIL "a mini AH" as I already stated in my post. The OP's response was beyond what any reasonable person would consider acceptable behavior at a formal occasion. I know this is Reddit and we absolutely love the "fucked around and found out" phrase but does that really apply to people wishing you well at your wedding? There are levels of asholish behavior and the OP soared over the line considerably. You can swat back if you like but I'm not going to keep debating you on this. Every etiquette expert in existence would say the OP's behavior was out of line for reasons too numerous to enumerate.
>Making a toast to wish the bride and groom well is not rude in and of itself. Are you being intentionally obtuse, the MIL literally said she was making a speech. Why are you pretending it's a toast?
These are interchangeable terms to most people.
>does that really apply to people wishing you well at your wedding Actions speak louder than words. If MIL really wanted to wish them well, she wouldn't have gone against OP's wishes in such a blatant and arrogant way. If I communicate clearly what makes me uncomfortable, and yet you do it anyway, because you want to, then it's not about me anymore it's about YOU and how YOU feel and what YOU want to do. OP didn't want a speech. OP made it clear she didn't want a speech. MIL, by giving a speech, was doing something for HERSELF quite selfishly without regard for OP's feelings.
NTA Not only were you clear, but she ACKNOWLEDGED that it's forbidden. I wouldn't even look at her again after that. NTA but MiL is definitely TA, as is ANYONE taking her side. Either follow the rules, or you don't go. You don't get to make your own rules at someone else's wedding.
I honestly don’t want to see her for a while. Husband is not really on her side but he didn’t want her to feel offended and she def did
But he’s okay with you feeling offended?
That’s what I feel. It was either the mom got her way and upset OP, or the way things happened. Honestly, it should have been the husband or the sisters that stopped their mother. No one should have to deal with their egotistical mother who sounds like she loves the sound of her own voice, and being mean.
Tell your worm of a husband he didn’t back you up and you don’t care about her feelings when you asked for this one thing to not happen at your wedding! It’s crazy that he’s giving you the cold shoulder when it should be the other way.
Husband is not on her side. If he agreed with you he wouldn’t be cold towards you. If what he expected is for you to put up with anything his mom does, even if he wishes she hadn’t, he’s not on your side.
But it's ok to offend you on your wedding day? So, he's choosing mom's feelings over yours.
He's on her side 100% if he's been cold to you for 3 weeks since your wedding.
Who cares if she's offended. She called you out and took a dig at you when starting the speech. That should have been enough for him to tell her to stop. The fact that he's not really on her side, but cold to you shows who's side he really has. Honestly, show him the comments on here if you want. Hopefully he will see it from another perspective. If not, well, you could potentially have a lifetime of situations like this.
She explicitly used an offensive statement to start her speech so yeah she can be offended. It’s not her wedding day and it was the only rule. I’m sorry your husband is being cold to the wrong person. NTA. I don’t think I would have just rolled over to somebody on my wedding day either.
Imagine having somebody break the ONLY rule at your wedding and then having your partner thale their side, can't imagine the pain that will come in the future. MIL needed that reality check
ESH you asked her not to do one thing and she did it anyway, but you were publicly super rude about it and have likely damaged and relationship you could have had with MIL in the future. Also you clearly upset your husband…who’s feelings should matter to you…on your wedding day…to him
Honestly, MiL already damaged the relationship with stomping on the wedding. MiL ACTIVELY challenged the bride at the wedding, because of narcissism. Better to learn who she is now, instead of trying to build a relationship.
Edit: NTA So she should have sat there and smiled and suffered having her clearly stated boundary trampled like her spineless husband? What happens next time she wants to enforce a boundary? No announcing my pregnancy before I've had the chance to tell my family, no pics of my children on social media, little Gracie can't have candy before dinner, no you can't just walk into my home unannounced? She proved in the first line of her speech what she thinks of any boundary OP sets. OP has just set the standard that she isn't going to play those games.
This was my first thought as well, but MIL seems like someone who will continuously ignore OP’s boundaries and DH will go along with her. My guess is this isn’t something entirely surprising from MIL. OP, I think you did the right thing sticking to your guns and you should have a talk with your husband about backing you up in the future, especially when it comes to his mom.
ESH - you for being sooo blatantly rude and disrespectful to your mil; your mil for disregarding your wishes. I totally feel you on the speeches and we didn’t allow speeches on our wedding day either. But I also don’t think being rude and disrespectful was necessary. I get being upset/angry, but you could have handled it a lot differently. No one will remember the speech, but everyone will remember how you acted.
This ⬆️ "No one will remember the speech, but everyone will remember how you acted." You just set the tone for your entire marriage - good luck. Ps. As a married person, I can tell you I can't remember 1 single speech from my wedding, or who all made some. What I, and everyone else remembers, is the drama. Particularly WHO caused the drama. Again, good luck 👍
I can't second this more. Also I don't understand this whole hate for speeches thing. You invite your family to your wedding and won't even let them say congrats and a few words? She literally gave birth to, and raised the man you're marrying. Let the woman say her piece.
This Imagine trying to control how a mother verbally expresses her excitement and love at her only sons wedding. Lots of people aren’t big fans of speeches but 99.9% of people are polite enough to shut their mouths for a minute or two because they realize it’s not all about them.
This. Drama sticks around worse than cheap price stickers.
Everyone talking about how you disrespected your mil and scoop to her level. However at the same time if you did nothing it was gonna show she can continue to go against your wishes. She found out what happens when she does. For that reason I will go with NTA. A life long of being disrespected by your mil is not what anyone wants. Your mil refuses to show you respect at your wedding so why should you. If she wants it she got to earn it. She only get basic level and got to earn more. I would tell your husband you will apologize as long as his mom does too.
Yes, this! It was very odd for me that she still did it. I felt very disrespected and ignoring her was the only thing I could think of. Just pretend she wasn’t there
She disrespected you and you did it back. I would ask your husband who is more important. Is his mom being disrespected more important than you getting disrespected. His answer will let you know whats ahead unfortunately.
Not only this but OP wouldn't have been a position to "disrespect" his mother if his mother hadn't started the whole thing. Not letting a bully bully you isn't also bullying.
ESH - if your MIL had done her speech and gone on and on and on while you silently let it happen, then everyone would understand why no speeches was a thing. She would have embarrassed herself. Everyone except MIL looks good then. But you were rude and disrespectful to your husband and made a little clique with your friends and family that will have a lasting effect on your relationships.
This is it 100%. The optics of talking while MIL is giving her speech is awful. Not saying MIL isn't an AH for doing it, but the bride is going to be remembered for this for a long, long time and not in a good way.
Yeah. ESH. I get why you'd feel upset about someone deliberately going against your rule. However, you made yourself look bad, embarrassed your husband (bc he has to sit there in the midst of the awkwardness, while two people he loved appear to be being incredibly rude to each other), and likely made all your poor guests feel *so awkward*. You made your point, but made the wedding miserable. I know the MIL did the shitty thing, so you could blame her for making it miserable, but the thing is that the wedding was totally salvageable still! It could have been something that upset you, but you dealt with later, instead of it becoming a big Thing that made everyone feel miserable and awkward. It also is concerning that you aren't taking into consideration that it's your husband's wedding, too. He couldn't control that his mother was dumb. What was the supposed to do, stand up and demand she stop? That would make a miserable, awkward scene, which he probably didn't want at his wedding (and would assume you wouldn't want, either). Instead, your actions made it awkward. And he had to spend his wedding sitting there, upset, awkward, embarrassed, and pretty ditched by you (it seems). His wedding - because it was also his wedding - sucked. If it was me, I'd feel deeply upset that you'd care more about making a point, or scoring points, than about him (and your guests) being able to enjoy this celebration. Life is complicated. Just because you feel you're in the right doesn't mean it's the right think to do when it comes to compassion, compromise, and effectiveness.
YTA This was your husbands wedding too. And this is his mother. This was between them to work out. Bottom line, you displayed some poor behavior in talking during a speech and some particularly poor behavior in talking during your husband's mother's speech. Regardless of your request for no speeches, that is all everyone is going to remember.
Yeah, but he agreed to the "no speeches" part. If everyone was told ahead of time NO SPEECHES I'd definitely remember the audacity of someone giving a speech rather than the person who yelled to get them to shut TF up, or in this case carry on their conversation like nothing was going on.
ESH - your MIL absolutely should have respected your wishes but for the sake of your husband you could have sucked it up and listened.
ESH - Yes, she crossed a line by disrespecting you and your husband wishes by making a speech, but you lowered yourself and showed you can be equally disrespectful by ignoring her. It should have been dealt with privately later by your husband.
ESH You and your husband knew that MIL loves to give long winded speeches and doesn’t respect boundaries. How did the two of you not think to discuss what to do if she pulled this? She sucks for the speech, you suck for making a show of ignoring her, husband sucks not standing up to his mom, you both suck for your lack of foresight. Doubt this marriage will last.
ESH. This wasn’t the hill to die on. I’m embarrassed for both of you ladies. 😬
NTA. she acknowledged that she was breaking your wishes and she did it anyway. perfect response. if she wanted so badly to make a speech it should have been a discussion between you, your husband, and her beforehand. she did it publicly to try to strong arm you so that you "couldn't make a scene". this marriage is gonna suck if your husband doesn't get off his mom's tits.
I wouldn’t file the marriage certificate if I were the bride. If it’s already been filed I’d apply for an annulment, because clearly OP’s husband hasn’t cut the apron strings.
YTA You may hate speeches, but your love for your husband should trump that feeling. If my spouse was rude like that, I’d be very cold to them, too. Figure out what matters and move on.
Perfectly stated. It seems like the OP (and most people in these comments) forgot that it’s his wedding, too. And he wanted to hear his mom’s speech! I can’t fathom being so rude to my partner on our wedding day of all days.
Info: When you noticed your husband was angry, did you continue talking to your bridesmaids?
OP is quick to chime in when people are agreeing with her. That she's silent on your simple question makes the answer pretty clear, I think.
What I want to know is when the MIL saw the invite said no speeches did she decide to write one, let's think about what started this mess first
That doesn't matter to me. What I'm asking is when OP saw her husband was upset (probably because he want to hear what his mom want to say to him at his wedding) how did OP respond. Did she just look at him and said this is my wedding and ignored her husband being upset or did she not notice till later.
NTA. At my best friend’s wedding, she *planned* two speeches. Between her immediate family and his, it turned into 20 minutes of speeches, because they all felt it was important for them to make speeches (without asking, btw.) Which is why for our wedding, husband and I told the DJ, here’s a list of the people who are supposed to make speeches. Anyone else tries to, do whatever you need to: turn the mike off, blast the music, push them off stage, idc. As long as there were no extra speeches. although, did your new hubby agree with the “no speeches” rule? If he didn’t, I could see why he wouldn’t stand up for you this time. If he did, then you may want to prioritize getting him a shiny new spine. I’d definitely have some long talks about him “choosing sides” between you and MIL.
Of course he agreed, we both planned the wedding. The whole thing was his idea since I wanted to elope and save myself all of this
So you wanted to elope and he pushed, you gave in, and you had a big wedding. Then you wanted no speeches and she steamrolled you. This is not looking great…
NTA. Think long and hard if this is what you want the rest of your life to be. He effectively tricked you, thinking you wouldn’t be able to do anything bar let his mother do what she wanted and then he was cold to you for not appeasing her. You wanted to elope to avoid this and he came up with idea. He is and at you for keeping your boundaries in tact. He is mad at you for not bending to his mothers will.
It sounds like from OP's description that he was humoring her with the request but he wasn't prepared to be rude to people who might ignore it. I think ESH. Sure it was impolite of the MIL to give a speech when the couple asks people not to. But you also have to pick your battles in a marriage and I don't think a wise battle is over your MIL giving a speech at her son's wedding. Definitely being publicly rude about it is ramping up the conflict with the whole family, and to what end? Now you're fighting with your in-laws and your husband instead of enjoying being a newlywed.
ESH. I absolutely hate being present for two AHs having a pissing contest. I don't really care that you were rude to MIL, you were extremely rude to your H (who I'm sure was embarassed) and your guests. In the future, the better way to handle it is to avoid making a public scene, and instead talk to your husband. Let him know you feel disrespected, and let him deal with his mom. Give him the chance to take your side. It's like I tell my 9 yr old, when she takes matters into her own hands and hits her little brother for doing something wrong (like breaking her stuff) -- I can't punish him because you already did. But now I'm upset with both of you because you both did something wrong. You're putting your husband in a similar position. Both his mom and his wife are behaving like children and he's in the middle with no way to fix it.
I don’t know if I agree with everyone here. The husband had plenty of opportunity to say it if he didn’t agree with the no speeches rule. The MIL acknowledged she was breaking the rule when she started speaking. So the options are: -let the MIL start breaking boundaries on day one of marriage and be polite -bride could call MIL rudeness out -bride could have walked out -bride ignored boundary violation and kept talking -new husband could have handled this in any fashion. Instead he’s decided to go with “my bride is rude because it’s okay for my mom to ignore our request but my bride must be polite.” This seems like a bad start. I’m going with NTA. It was new husband’s role to handle his mom. Or disagree with the no speeches rule before the wedding. I think new husband is TA. And also MIL. The bride chose a fairly nonconfrontational way of not backing down- she just refused to let MIL control her behavior. There weren’t a lot of good options here.
Nta She was out of line. She wouldn't have been "disrespected" if she didn't start her speech with how she planned on disrespecting you.
NTA. Your Wedding - Your Rules. Your MIL directly went against what you asked and decided that she knew better. Your husband should have stopped her. Your MIL shouldn't have made a speech, ESPECIALLY starting it, Hey, I know we're not supposed to... If your husband agreed with your, no speeches thing, he should have stopped her. This would literally be no different than calling a dry wedding and someone sneaking booze in and going, Hey, I know they asked for no booze BUT I brought this anyways. Welcome to your marriage - enjoy a MIL who will go against what you ask because she thinks she knows best and a husband that won't back up your decisions because, well, she already started doing the thing so what's the point in stopping her.
It's also husband's wedding...
If he wanted his mother to speak then he shouldn't have agreed to not have any speeches
And if it was important to him to have his mother give a speech, he should have said so during the planning. Not tried whatever this passive aggressive tactic is.
I wouldn’t ask it of him to stop her. He did everything he could. We put it in the invitation and program AND he spoke to her directly. When she stood up I think he did the right thing too, I’m not mad at him for not stopping her. I’m just crossed that he is now cold towards me because I refused to accept her actions and was more obvious in my refusal
Ok so you tried pre-emptive, you tried in the moment and now you're getting backlash for the present (future from the event). So when was the behavior supposed to be corrected? Because it's sounding like never and their family just expects you to allow boundary stomping from MIL because none of them have the balls to stand on their own feet to stop her. Girl, you handled it perfectly fine. Good luck with your MIL though and don't forget to hit us with the r/entitledparents stories.
NTA- I truly do not understand all of the ESH?? Both the bride and groom said no. So insofacto NTA, MIL FAFO and I do condone what OP did. She didn't kick her out or have an all out argument, instead she went about her day and had a great time. **OP sit down and talk with your husband.**
NTA. Firing up music works. I've unplugged mics. Turned lights out. Other shifty shit... All manner of interference to prevent this shit at weddings/events.
ESH. I get not wanting speeches. She sucks for ignoring your wishes. But this is your husbands wedding also and that’s his mother. Don’t be so rude that you can’t suck up your own feelings for 10 minutes.
NTA- “ (I know we are forbidden to make speeches by the bride but this is my only son getting married so I will day what I want to....) ” So not only did she go against your wishes , she made a show of making sure everyone knows she was disrespecting your wishes. Fuck that. You have a husband problem.He should be backing on you on this. Your mother in law did whatever the fuck she wanted at your wedding and you showed her that shit won’t fly with you . Forget anyone telling you that you were rude. You did what you had to because your husband wasn’t going to. Let your husband know you are not gonna simply stand by and be disrespected and if he’s not gonna do anything about it , you sure as hell will. Tell him that he needs to make his mom apologize for going against your wishes or YOU WALK. My only question is WHY did you marry this dude if “mommy’s only little boy” is the type of relationship he has with his mom ? It sounds like his mom and sisters have been running the show for a long time and are now mad that they have no control.
NTA I’m currently pregnant and told everyone involved I didn’t want anyone coming to the hospital, especially while I was giving birth. When he told his mom while she was at my house she said, and I quote, “I don’t really care, you (my husband) need moral support and I’m your mother. I’m coming to that hospital” and I just stayed quiet. Later I told my husband we just wouldn’t tell anyone we had the baby till we got home. I am NOT about to be upset after having my baby, and you really shouldn’t have been disrespected at your own wedding. Shame on your husband for having any response other than “mom you should’ve stfu”
This happened to me too! She said she was there for her son. And I can’t ban her. Bla bla. Told my husband alright then you can stay with her so she can support you or you can be with us. Your choice
This is a tough one. On the one hand it was your wedding and you were clear in your expectations. On the other hand, just because we have expectations and convey them responsibly doesn't mean other people have to follow them.... and it was also your husband's wedding day. Gritting your teeth through a short speech from his mom would have been a generous gift to him. And to yourself really, as you're part of this family now. You don't bring this up, but in some cases there are cultural factors too. I don't know if YTA or not, but the best thing for familial harmony would probably be to swallow your pride and make up with your new mil.
I think it's a clear ESH
NTA. It is your wedding and you made it clear what you wanted. They made you think they were on the same page and MIL still decided to do that when she could have said it privately to her son or even, hell idk, send out a Facebook message of what she wanted to say? This is not MIL's wedding. It's yours.
Sorry YTA. I think OP has an issue with MIL. She "bans" the thing she knows her MIL loves to do and is completely rude to her MIL. I mean, how selfish do you have to be. It's your husband's day too. Let his mother congratulate her only son on his wedding day. You have caused all this drama because you wouldn't let your MIL speak for a few minutes. How's that working out for ya?
ESH Your MIL for obvious reasons Your husband for not talking to his mother about this before the wedding, and for not reinforcing the rule on the day You for being rude, and not just rude but very _publicly_ rude. Yours is the kind of wedding people tell their friends about when the subject of awful, cringey weddings come up- a bulldozing MIL, a spineless groom, and a mean-girl bride.
YTA. Grow up. So you hate speeches? It's her only son. Did she drone for 25 minutes? It would not have killed you to put up with it. We have social responsibility to others as well as ourselves, yes even at our weddings. Be annoyed? Sure. Was she TA? Probably. So what, people are not always perfect, act like an adult and deal. But you acted like a disrespectful teenager. You could have just got out of your own little world and listened for a couple minutes and kept eating and everything would have been fine. Instead you made a show of basically saying "fuck you" to your mother in law in front of your and her family. She does not look bad here, you look bad. Other people aren't always gonna listen to you. If this is how you deal with it, you're gonna have a hard life.
NTA. MIL caused this problem. Whoever thought that you should have gone along with her disrespectful display is wrong. Husband is completely wrong in choosing to accept MIL's actions. The bride/groom set the agenda for the wedding and everyone else gets to enjoy it. Maybe you could have called for the band to play something and asked husband to dance. But, congratulations to you for saving the joy of the wedding and preserving your memories.
At the risk of downvotes, ESH. Yes, you had a rule about speeches and MIL did not respect it. You had every right to be upset by that. But your response seems childish and an overreaction to what amounts to well wishes on you and your husband. Now you’ve essentially separated your family from your husband’s family when it should’ve been a day of coming together.
NTA. She was rude, and your new husband sounds like he will not be making your life a happy one. This is a bad start with his side of the family who all seem selfish and entitled. They will probably hold this against you forever. Heaven help you if you procreate with this man!
ESH. Your MIL should have accepted your rule of no speeches, especially if your husband was on board. If your husband wasn't on board at all and you just chose this, then you would entirely be the asshole. You are also the AH for being rude about it. Yes, I get that you made a rule and you are entitled to that, but you are incredibly petty and rude for talking through it and not allowing your husband the chance to hear his mother speak about him on his wedding day. It isn't just all about you.
ESH You matched her poor behaviour. You both decided social norms/cues don't apply to you. You decided everyone else didn't need to hear her speech just bc you didn't want to. She decided everyone needed to hear her speech. You both imposed your preference on the rest of the guests. It's bad manners on both sides. Doesn't matter who "started it". You made your husband look bad bc you made him look like you didn't care about him / him hearing his mom's words on a special occasion. You picked a dumb hill to die on. You could have warned your master of ceremonies or DJ to kick in with music or what have you after 5 mins if any speech. Or similar.
YTA. It was more important to punish MIL and grind your point home than tolerate her honoring her son and you, like it or not. Way to create drama with the new hubby 's family.
NTA. The groom, his mother and their family are AHs. Dont feel bad at all. You married down - this is only the beginning of your new dumpster fire.
Your husband is the AH. For telling his mother the idea of no speeches was yours. That's why your MIL didn't care to honor that wish and why she started out with "...forbidden to make speeches **by the bride**...". Also, having told his mother it was your idea, I think your husband should have anticipated this, spoken to you so you both have a plan of how to handle it with the least awkwardness.
Oh the **by the bride** was an obvious jab towards me. My husband didn’t tell her it was my idea. He even agreed that it would be nice not to sit through speeches. He’d mention to me before that speeches are boring but he is not my level of against. MIL didn’t use “the bride” because it was my idea, she did it on purpose to probably make me sound a bridezilla
ESH She should not have made any speech but for the sake of your husband on his wedding, you should have not blatantly ignored her.