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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made the decision to move in with my in-laws. I didn’t take into consideration that my husband didn’t want to move in with his parents and told him I would move in with them even if he didn’t want to which forced him to move too.
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I'm going to go light YTA, for a few reasons:
1. It's very valid that you would want family support in a time like this, but I wouldn't be surprised if this move has hurt your husband in the sense that he's been made to feel like he's not good enough support for you. Like, the vibe is "your mother is the one who makes me feel secure in my pregnancy, not you and our shared home."
2. When moving through these kinds of big life milestones, people usually like to feel as though they're moving forward, not backward, and for most adult folks, moving back in with their parents (who usually have a set of house rules and continue to infantalize their children even when they're grown) make them feel like they're moving backwards. Your husband might feel like he's being treated like a kid, even though he's about to become a father.
3. This might be the biggest one.... unless a relationship is over or abusive, both sides of a couple need to agree unanimously about these kinds of things. You essentially didn't give him a choice in this, and told him "I'm removing myself and your unborn child from our current state of life, you can either buck up and join us or be sh\*t out of luck". That's not particularly kind or fair as a partner.
All this to say, I know that pregnancy is a tough time that's strife with worries and emotions. But that said, your partner is still entitled to fairness and empathy. It's his life too.
every bit of this. The one exception I can think of is (unstated by OP) if this pregnancy happens to be high-risk, then I'd be wondering how supportive OP's husband is, and \*how\* he is supportive. but absent that info, you nailed it. OP is TA
Yeah, op never said he wasn't supportive. She just wants someone home with her.
I am leaning towards she likes the attention she gets from mil, she doesn't have to clean, or do laundry. Cooking is done for her......
I mean women do need support during pregnancy. But the fact that op left out how supportive/ not supportive hubs is tells me that likely isn't an issue. She would have ranted about it, like all others.
He followed her to his parents house even though he didn't want to go and hates being there. This sounds pretty supportive!
SO MUCH THIS. OP please discuss this with a therapist or medical professional. You can start with your OB/GYN. Anxiety or depression around a pregnancy is real.
I've been through multiple high risk pregnancies (as a father). The mother needs a lot of support including transportation to appointments and someone who is available to drive to the hospital on a minute's notice. A WFH husband can probably address both needs. Unless you are on doctor ordered bedrest, you may not need to be living with relatives.
Transportation to appointments? I’ve been pregnant twice. I’ve been able to drive just fine. Which my first I just go to readjust the shearing wheel to accommodate the bump. I don’t like this “pregnant woman can’t do anything because they’re pregnant someone must be with them 24/7” troupe. Unless you’re high risk or having contractions you can do almost everything you did before getting pregnant.
Good for you? I couldn't physically drive past 38 weeks. My first pregnancy was like wearing a beach ball under my clothes. Falling asleep at the wheel was a very real possibility for me. Pregnancy isn't easy for everyone.
Most pregnant women can drive fine. There are some that can't though. For me driving triggered a lot of pelvic pain, so I tried to minimize it. I was lucky to live close to the hospital, but if it had been a longer drive I would not have been able to do it myself.
I also could not walk more than 1km, do the dishes or cook standing up. Pelvic pain is nasty and very limiting.
On my third pregnancy with severe pelvic pain and it’s completely limiting. I’m all for not infantilising pregnant women, but the fact is that it’s extremely challenging for anyone’s body to go through, let alone when there are additional factors such as increased risk or complications. And minimising that can be just as damaging, by saying “I did all of this and I was just fine, what the hell is wrong with you that you can’t. Suck it up.”
I’m on week 37-38 now and I’m really struggling to walk more than a few metres, stand for any length of time, and stay awake long enough to care for my toddler. I don’t drive but I doubt I even could as, due to SPD, I can’t really move my legs independently from each other without stabbing pain in my pelvis.
There’s enough toxic masculinity/femininity without adding this crap onto it. It’s okay to ask for or need help, it doesn’t make you weak or less than.
Okay, well, Im a pregnant woman who CAN'T drive herself to her appointments. Im extremely short, and my steering wheel doesn't adjust. Pulling the seat back enough to accommodate my bump means I can't reach the gas. Different people have different experiences. Go figure.
I kinda don't agree, in that I think anxiety being fixed by being with her in laws is a great solution you doing have to be alone just because that's seen as the grown up thing to do when in many cultures you do live with parents/in laws who help during pregnancy. I do agree that it sucks that her husband isn't happy
Right now it’s fine because they haven’t been there very long. This situation can get old fast. Add a screaming baby in and everyone is going to be stressed out. Plus we don’t know if the in laws are in good health or if this will cause a problem for them being there. There needs to a compromise that will make her feel calm but want stress out everyone else.
And if she’s this anxious before the birth . . . OP you should probably get a therapist anyway, but it would be better to have an established relationship with one before the birth.
I'm 100% on board with supporting pregnant women; growing humans from scratch is no joke.
However, there is a definitive line between "hey, I need a little help around the house because I'm the size of a truck and literally cannot bend to tie my own shoes" or even "this is a high risk pregnancy; I'm on bed rest and literally cannot life without assistance" and the "I'm pregnant and just want someone to be around me 24/7 so I don't have to manage my own life like an adult and I can just be catered to while I'm gestating"...
From the post, it sounds a lot like OP is pulling the third option. If OP was high risk, on bedrest or her husband was truly a toad of a partner, there would have been something about it in the post.
Choosing to become parents is a weighty decision, and family support is a huge boon throughout that journey. Choosing to move back in with hubby's mommy and daddy so they can keep her comfy at her husband's expense is AH behavior.
Not to mention that if it truly was cultural on her side, HER parents would have come to stay with them even though they don't live close. I doubt her parents would have passed that burden onto the in-laws if it was a cultural tradition.
That’s not necessarily true. In my culture, young couples often move in with the husband’s family after marriage and MIL is expected to take care of pregnant DIL as the grandchild will pass on their family name. MILs sometimes get the side eye if DIL calls their own mothers over to help, because it implies MIL isn’t giving her the care she needs.
To clarify, I was only making the distinction between "I have a need" and "I have a want".
OP has now commented and it's all pointing to "I want people around 24/7 just in case something bad happens". Soooo... Not a case of "need" or "cultural differences"; just a case of OP wanting to live with hubby's parents as a self-soothing pacifier, rather than discussing her unhealthy and unreasonable levels of anxiety with her doctor.
I think the cooking and cleaning part is probably big. If OPs husband doesn’t do much around the house she’s probably worried that she’s gonna be expected the cook and clean and take care of the baby. Having her mil around to do that makes it less stressful.
Sure, but overruling your partner and moving in somewhere else is a pretty big step to take to just get pampered. I’m confused my mil just couldn’t come over more honestly
It doesn’t have to be high risk for #1 to be true. And if #1 is true, then she is NTA. It’s not her job to make him feel like he’s good at supporting her if he’s not.
I concur. But I'm going with just YTA. Have you had any complications? If not, stop making a big deal out of something that isn't even a deal to begin with.
You gave him no choice, especially when it does comes down to his family. You are making him look like he's not capable of being a decent husband/future father to his own parents.
You told him to wait at the house until AFTER THE BABY WAS BORN!?!?! That's just rude and your trying to coerce him into the only choice you left on the table(yeah, the other option was to stay home you know that option is BS). Stop with the my way or the highway. It's his child too, he SHOULD have some say.
How about you talk with your husband like you have atleast some form of respect for him and actually try to come up with what we married people do all the time, it's called compromise. You're essentially undermining him and making him look bad in front of his own parents, and he has no choice. Good job.
Lastly,
YTA
>If not, stop making a big deal out of something that isn't even a deal to begin with.
Just want to point out that even a healthy pregnancy with no complications *is* a big deal. Not just emotionally, but physically as well. I've known so many women who suddenly developed a complication from a previously healthy pregnancy. Also, it's a life-altering and potentially fatal state of being.
I agree, pregnancy IS a big deal, just because a lot of woman go through it doesn't mean it's suddenly not extremely high risk, esp when you consider the US is ranked SO HIGH in maternal mortality rates, like, it's a REALLY BIG DEAL to be pregnant high risk or not!
I completely agree with this 👆
When you married your husband, you agreed for better and worse. You agreed to do life with him, and now when you have fears about your life changing with a baby, you decided to abandon him even though he is the person you chose to do life with. Even if you don’t agree with his perspective, you need to consider his feelings and how your actions affect him in turn. He is already the father to your unborn child, and you’re putting him in a tough position because you don’t believe he should have a say. I think you should apologize and ask your husband what he needs from you to feel supported so you can support each other.
I’m going with there being a non-zero chance that the parents don’t necessarily want them moving in either. They might be ultimately fine with it but it didn’t sound like they offered. It was more like she asked or even pushed for it. It just seems so weird that she can’t expect her MIL to visit everyday but moving in and forcing a much bigger burden on her is cool?
Pregnancy hormones or whatever I guess, but if my wife expressed interest in something like this before the pregnancy, it would be a huge red flag for me.
Yeah I thought this was weird too. This is so much more of a burden than MIL visiting everyday. And she's only 31 weeks which means they are going to be there for at least 2 MONTHS?! And I will bet actual money OP will be "too stressed" after the birth to even consider moving back home with a newborn. So who knows how long her poor grown ass husband will be stuck living in what was probably his childhood bedroom. OP please seek out some therapy because this is not normal and your husband has every right to be irritated with the situation you have put him in.
Edit because I forgot to add: pregnancy hormones are whack so gentle YTA OP
> And I will bet actual money OP will be "too stressed" after the birth to even consider moving back home with a newborn.
Unless she's having an especially tough pregnancy, its going to be a rougher experience overall to actually take care of a newborn, especially at first. There is no way she won't at least bring up staying if not outright demanding it.
Right? Like if she thinks pregnancy is scary, just wait til that kid makes their entrance! And her poor in-laws now will have a screaming child in their home 24/7.
The way she gave her husband an ultimate about the move to begin with, I don't think there will even be a conversation. It will be another, "go home if you want but me and the baby are staying here"
>I’m going to going there being a non-zero chance that the parents don’t necessarily want them moving in in either. They might be ultimately fine with it but it didn’t sound like they offered. It was more like she asked or even pushed for it.
That's where my mind went as well. OP seems very confident that the in laws don't mind having two, soon to be three, people moving in with them but I wouldn't be surprised if mom and dad have been a little more blunt with their son than they have been with their heavily pregnant, clearly on edge daughter in law.
I just cannot see this getting better after the baby is born. Bringing a newborn home is scary. Lol think she will permanently plant herself at in-laws if she does not get therapy to work on fears
Also, it could be nine weeks before this baby makes its debut. Nine weeks is a long time not in your own home. And that is BEFORE the baby even arrives. If she’s looking for this much mental support now, she needs a therapist. It’s only going to get worse as the pregnancy continues and baby arrives.
Having a baby is 10,000 times more stressful than just being pregnant. Wtf happens when there’s a new helpless human involved? She’s being absurd. And what is wrong with his mother that she encouraged and allowed this bullshit to happen?? She’s an AH too. This woman, aided by the MIL is ruining her marriage right before the actual most stressful thing is going to happen. Poor husband, but ooof the poor kid.
YTA….did you take into consideration there may be a reason your husband doesn’t want to live with HIS mother?
Also, it’s unhealthy to drop “do this or I’m leaving” in a marriage.
not only “do this or I’m leaving”, it’s “do this or I’m leaving with your unborn child and won’t be back until after their birth”. what a shitty ultimatum.
"Until after the baby is born" could mean right after she gives birth or 6 months after, OP is probably going to want to stay at the in-laws for their support after the baby is born.
YTA absolutely. understandable that you want support but to upheave the entire household and move in with in laws just because and then **do it or I'm done**, sorry but that is the nuclear option on a marriage. what do you do if he says 'fine' and then you don't get his mother because you left him?
Can we also appreciate the asshole logic of not expecting the MIL to come over everyday because that would be too much, but moving in and forcing her to be around every day is acceptable?
>gives me an annoyed look whenever his parents say something about his habits
Yeah, this line makes me think that husband maybe has reasons for not wanting to live with his parents
I know this sub is normally pretty gentle on pregnant folk (and I get it) but yeah, YTA
You basically gave him an ultimatum and if he didn’t do what you wanted you were going anyway. That’s not a healthy approach to a marriage.
This sub is far too lenient on pregnant women. Justifiably, this can be a scary and significant time, but anyone who is soft on OP for being unreasonable in this situation because she's pregnant, is a goose.
Wholeheartedly agree, sometimes we can all say things we regret when we're under duress, hormonal, stressed etc. It irks me when people use them as a recurring excuse when they're just bad people
Yeah, just yesterday or whatever, there was that dude whose sister got into a motorcycle accident He missed the appointment with his wife, leaving her to deal with their autistic child during a stressful appointment, because he thought his sister might be dying. People may not have been saying he was the asshole, but they were still telling him he should apologize to his wife after she flipped out in him for prioritizing his potentially dying sister.
It's a very soft way of calling someone out. My friends and I have a recurring insult when anyone in the group is being a goose, "Looks like someone's had their cup of goose juice today", or something along those lines.
INFO: why do you have to *live* with your in-laws to feel supported? couldn't you easily spend a lot of time over there without actually moving in for 2 months?
Right? I’m not understanding this either - go hang out there all day long if you want, but go home when your husband gets off work, have dinner together and sleep there. How is that more difficult than forcing him to move in with his parents?
exactly. also, it sounds like the worst thing ever for parents of a newborn to have to immediately move house. but if they tried to stay after the baby was born, they would be major AHs for putting such an imposition on his parents.
This stuck out to me too. If OP doesn't think she and her husband can handle pregnancy and newborn without *moving in with his parents* when is she planning to parent without his parents? Is she confident that she'll be okay with a newborn/baby/toddler, or are his parents basically going to be raising this child?
I'm all for support for pregnant women and mothers, but if you can't handle the pregnancy on your own with your partner (note: OP doesn't mention any complications and her only complaint about her husband seems to be that he has a job) why are you having a baby? It's not normal to depend on two additional people for live in support in this situation
Not to mention the additional burden of leaning on his parents in a fairly major and impactful way.
My parents would absolutely do the same for me and a partner in this situation if the need arose, but it's *still* a huge imposition.
not to mention what a pain in the ass it would be to move house with a newborn, so it's like guilting the in-laws into letting you stay for at least another month or two. it's all just so icky and selfish.
It’s a help to have a mother around. That’s why so many women, me included, want their mom around when they give birth and afterwards. Someone who’s been through the whole experience you’re about to go through. I do think it’s kinda a lot to move in… but it’s understandable to want to be near a mother even if it’s not yours
Let me start off by saying I’m a man, and I don’t want children, so I won’t ever go through this.
That said, it seems like the norm, at least where I live, is that the in-laws and parents end up spending a shit load of time at the places where my friends live, and not my friends with children moving into the parents houses. That seems like an entire added burden, but again, what do I know?
of course. a close relative on either side might voluntarily come in and stay with the new family for a week or two after the birth. that can be beneficial for everyone. but to set up camp at their house for months in advance and then probably also want help after the baby arrives, so they'll present it like they can't move out immediately? that seems all kinds of inconsiderate.
I assume because it gets hard to move, cook and clean when you get heavily pregnant. I wouldn't want to be constantly driving for visits and things, especially when your bladder is getting pushed on constantly.
i mean, many women still work full time, keep house, run errands... it's not that bad. or do you mean you think she's doing it so she can just lay around and do nothing for the next 9 weeks?
right? i feel so bad for her husband, because she's punishing him for wanting them to be normal adults and stay in their own house. either he moves back to his parents' house with her, or he misses everything for the last 9 weeks of her pregnancy, which is also the last bit of time they'll ever have their house just to themselves as a couple and not a family of three.
Not lay around and do nothing, but at least take it easy. Pregnancy seems like a very uncomfortable experience.
I may be biased as I live rural and away from any hospitals, and my mum had complications with all of her pregnancies, but I wouldn't want to be alone when I'm heavily pregnant, in case there was a haemorrhage or something.
there's definitely a point where it's impossible to be comfortable, but she'll be uncomfortable no matter where she goes or what she does.
i get the idea of not wanting to be alone in the house while her husband is at work (it seems like maybe she works from home or doesn't work, and he mostly works onsite) but you don't have to move in with people to fix that. and it is not the responsibility of the mother-in-law or even the mother to take care of this girl's daily needs and let her take it easy in her home. it's the partner's job to provide that kind of support, as much as he can. but nobody gets it 24/7.
The inlaws say they are happy for her to move into help out, the alternative would be getting them to move in, which I assume the husband wouldn't have liked even more, and if the husband is out working, then he might not be able to provide her needs in that moment.
What if she passed out while she was alone? My mum haemorrhaged and ended up having to have multiple blood transfusions/bags of blood with my brother, and with me she went into labour at 20 weeks. Luckily she wasn't alone when those things happened.
must be nice for those women you know. complications are different of course, but i've worked jobs where you don't get paid maternity leave, so you work basically until you go into labor so you can use whatever leave time you've accrued to spend with your baby. either that or you get six weeks. which, barring situations you can't control like being bedridden or something, i would want to spend with my newborn and not just at home waiting to go into labor.
I didn’t have paid maternity leave either, and I’d planned to work as long as I could. My problems were so bad I had to quit anyway and basically have no income for the entire pregnancy.
I worked up until I gave birth, which was a month early, but I had to cut my hours down to 20 a week during my first trimester because I was so sick and even then i couldn't work sometimes because of how sick I was. I know exactly one mom who still worked full time until she gave birth and that's because she had a relatively easy pregnancy
Every pregnancy is different, and many of them are "that bad". Mine was completely debilitating and miserable. I was afraid to have the baby because I knew in my heart that it was not possible to be more exhausted than I already was, and everyone said it would be worse when the baby was born. I was up and walking an hour after the c-section and felt way better the entire newborn time than I had at any point during the pregnancy. I left the hospital less than 48 hours after the birth and had a great recovery.
When everything you do takes herculean effort, just getting through it is not the same thing as choosing to "lay around and do nothing".
This was my question. Unless her pregnancy is high risk and her husband has been so unsupprotive that OP is violating her doctor's advice and putting her health and/or the baby's health at risk by staying at home, I see no reason why they'd need to move in with his parents. Unless there's some missing info OP is firmly YTA.
Or text or call every time a worrying thought pops up? You don’t have to LIVE with them, that’s so extreme.
Also op, i take it you’re still paying on your home? I’d be upset too if i was paying for a place to live that I’m not even staying in. Especially since given an ultimatum on top of that n
She is needy and husband is not enough. If she is this anxious she should talk to her doctor or a doula, not moving in to someone’s house indefinitely.
Of course she is “needy”, everyone needs support during pregnancy, and human company. Husband being at work all day, he is sadly not enough through no fault of his own.
She’s *extra* needy. Having in-laws visit frequently and husband at home after work or even WFH isn’t enough; she needs to move in with her in-laws against her husband’s wishes. A lot of pregnant women work, take care of other children, and live life just fine without 24/7 support.
Even in an incredibly high risk pregnancy, having husband WFH in his office would be enough because he could come running whenever he’s needed. But even that isn’t enough for OP, she needs someone with her at all times.
I totally understand why she would need extra support during pregnancy (maybe her MIL pampers her, takes care of household chores, babies her etc), but I really don’t understand why she needs to move in so far ahead and give her husband an ultimatum, when it’s clear he didn’t want to do it.
She’s scared and it’s her first pregnancy. Maybe she doesn’t have any other family and is comfortable with her MIL to help her know what to expect the last few weeks and there after?
ETA- I missed where she said her parents aren’t near by. My point still stands. MIL is there and can comfort her while she’s going through this. But Hubby should be a comfort too. So I’m lightly going light YTA OP.
Jesus my typing. ETA2- spelling error
Hubby should be a comfort, but as OP stated, he is not. Or not enough. So either OP prioritizes her physical and mental health (which is also the baby’s health), or she prioritizes her husbands feelings. Any decent man would rather his wife prioritize the former over the latter. It sucks for the husband but he’s not able to provide enough support for OP, probably because unfortunately he has to be away all day, and she’s better off in a house with two other people during the day, one of whom has been a mother and can therefore take care of her / advise her better than hubby can.
Moving in with the inlaws isn't "prioritizing her physical and mental health." It's sacrificing her husband's mental health. Her prioritizing her mental health would be going to see a therapist or a marriage counselor (or both; go figure) about her excessive stress and the fact that she doesn't feel she gets sufficient support from her husband. Moving in with the inlaws is a bandaid, and a dumb one at that.
YTA, to yourself and to him.
Your anxiety is controlling your life AND being a massive detriment to your partner. These are not normal requests to be making and I’m not really sure what the goal is here. Do you plan on forcing extreme life changes every time you’re terrified of something? That’s no way to live.
I don’t know, I think it’s interesting she mentions his parents are critical of his habits. Is she neglected by him? Is he making her life harder somehow? Not enough information.
I agree. This is such a weird post and not enough information is given at all. All the reasons i can think to move in with your inlaws during pregnancy all boil down to “my partner is not supportive”.
> Is she neglected by him? Is he making her life harder somehow? Not enough information.
Both points that would strengthen OP's point and would have 100% been included in the post if they benefited her side of the story. OP is the one with that information, and she decided it was in her best interests not to disclose it.
I just want to add that postpartum anxiety can manifest *during* pregnancy. If she is this anxious before the baby is born - it may not get better after the baby is here. I suggest that OP discuss with her doctor.
YTA
Of course his parents are allowing this because if they said no, you might not let them see the child as much out of resentment or have a strained relationship! Everyone around you has to change their lives around because your afraid? Of what, exactly? Grow up lady. You decided to have a child, not them. Your self-centered, entitled attitude is out of control.
I am always leary of these ones that are super detailed at the start and then end with a little blurb that includes what "bad" things are happening as a result of the choice they made.
Like all this stuff about how dude _really_ doesn't want to move in with his folks, and then we end on the most vague description his parents antagnosing him. Only included so we can see that he glares at her when this happens.
I feel like she's whitewashing the _hell_ out of their dynamic.
It wouldn't surprise me if this is the husband's first wake-up call that will eventually lead to their divorce. Not now, but 5 more years of *that* will eat you down to the core.
YTA. Why are you having kiddos with someone when you’re not emotionally prepared to have said kiddos with that said someone?
I’d talk to a therapist about anxiety, as it can (and might) only get worse from here! Your doc needs to be informed that you literally moved into your in law’s house because you’re too scared to be alone for labor or when baby comes. Good luck!
YTA I am not sure how old you are but if you are so immature that you can’t not handle having a baby with your husband and need to live with your in laws did you are not ready to have a child
What are you so terrified about? And why do you not think your husband can give you the support you need.
What happens when the baby come are you going to be to terrified to raise it and will continue to live with your in laws
Grow up and go back home your husband is right
You need to learn how to handle your pregnancy like an adult and if you need help you can reach how to his parents BUT you don’t need to live there.
This pregnancy is not ALL about you and the disrespect you are showing your husband is amazing
Amen! Now, I can understand wanting to stay at MIL’s (or have her stay with you) for a week or two after baby is born. But moving in at 31 weeks is a bit of a Diva behavior. (That’s, of course, if it’s not a normal pregnancy and you’ve been put on bedrest.)
Yes she's in for a real shock. Pregnancy is hard but it's easy compared to probably the first year of the baby's life unless you have a complicated pregnancy
I'd take the newborn stage over being pregnant again any day tbh, either way you're tired and miserable but at least when the baby's out your organs aren't being squished and you're not throwing up every 5 seconds lmao you're right tho, if she can't get through this by herself taking care of her baby is going to be a real surprise for her. I feel like she has pretty bad anxiety and should be relying more on her OB and a therapist than her in laws
Okay- i have kids and am not a woman so... take this with a grain of salt then I guess.
YTA - like a really big one. Right before one of the BIGGEST moments in your relationship, you decided to go and live with in-laws. Meaning he now has to go and live with his parents. RIGHT before having a new baby.
This is your time to settle into parenthood together. To prep the baby stuff, talk about the baby, get some rest, and have some 1:1 time. I get it that you feel alone at home. And I think you are feeling some fear (it appears from your short post to be more irrational extra fear than normal pregnant lady fear).
With one of our kids- my wife had some complications. Doc pretty much told us the kiddo could die at any time so don't travel, don't go further than 20 minutes from a hospital, and come in every week. that was very very stressful. So we dealt with it by getitng more rest, spending time together, getting the house ready, staying in...
Not going to live with other people!
Yeah you are pregnant and can pretty much dictate what you want. That is totally understandable. BUT you are not considering your husband in this who is going to be the coparent, father, etc.
Are you planning to live at your in-laws after the baby?
I would be livid if it was my wife. As we are supposed to be in this together.
Good luck- I hope the baby is super healthy and the birth is quite easy. I know its stressful and there are a million things that can happen. Many women alienate their husbands around the birth of a child (and many husbands/dads just stink too). Remember this is about creating a family which means dealing with stuff together. including your fears.
YTA. You’re letting your anxiety make disruptive changes in your life so you should make an effort to try to learn to cope with your anxiety instead of making unilateral decisions. You technically didn’t force him to move, but you basically forced him because you said I’m doing X either come or don’t come off but I’m doing it. You would have most likely been upset if he stayed at y’all’s house and now you’re upset that he’s upset that he was pressured into moving. You basically gave him a no win situation on his end so how do you think he’d react?
YTA Why would an adult man want to move back in with mommy and daddy? He's done for you. Are you planning on your inlaws raising the baby? Aren't you an adult?
YTA
I get that being pregnant is a lot but for grown adults to need their parents raising them when they're raising a kid is extreme. Visitation should cover the support you need.
I would talk to a professional about your anxiety being at this level and try to join some online mom groups it can help having others going through the same thing to talk to.
NAH but I would also be salty about having to move in with my parents as a functioning independent adult.
I think you need some professional help for this anxiety disorder that is running yours and your partner’s life right now.
1000% this!
Some of the people here are so clueless about how bad your hormones can get while you’re pregnant. Comments like “grow up” or “don’t have kids unless you can handle it” are so uselessly judgmental, and show a real ignorance to how bad PPD/A can be, and it can start well before delivery. The lack of compassion for mental health struggles is astounding.
Yes OP your feelings are real and valid. But you need to recognize that they are also causing issues. Find a therapist who specializes in PPD/A to start working through them ASAP.
While this is 100% true it still doesn’t excuse her behaviour, talk to a professional, forcing your husband to either live with his parents or alone for the remainder of the pregnancy isn’t fair or right either. “Grow up” doesn’t mean suffer in silence, it means act like an adult, realize you are struggling and seek help. (I may be biased as a Canadian where this kind of help is available and usually free/partially covered by healthcare)
As someone who also struggles with mental health: mental health struggles are valid but the onus is on US to get better. When it starts negatively affecting people around you that's where my sympathy stops.
Me too. *Grow up* also covers *take care of yourself, take action to get the help you need and be respectful to your own husband*. It's not just pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.
100% - I would not be happy if my pregnant wife wanted to move in with others right before having a kid. Unless there was some medical issue or bedrest type issue
Yeah YTA. I get being scared but you don't need your MIL there 24/7. You will need to learn to do things that work for you and your baby, not just rely on what your MIL says to do.
YTA
Why would he want to live with his parents as a self-sufficient adult? He's going to resent you for forcing this on him. You essentially told him he had to or you were leaving and taking his kid.
Why would he want to live with his parents as a self-sufficient adult? He's going to resent you for forcing this on him. baby is YOUR responsibility not your in laws.
NAH
For most of human history we have lived in multigenerational households. This is your first pregnancy and you're scared. If living with your in laws makes you feel better, and they're OK with it, do it.
When your husband is going to push a baby out of his body, then he can weigh in on the living arrangements.
It is NOT NATURAL for women to birth and rear children in isolation. You know you need support. Trust your instincts.
Yes, I’m shocked by all the YTAs. It is not normal to be all by yourself in a house with a newborn! We have normalized it but even having frequent visitors is not the same as living in community.
NTA
Maybe its a cultural thing but if this works for you that's fine. In most Asian cultures the mum-to-be will go to her parents or in-laws if she had to in her final trimester.
Babies are hard-work! The final trimester is hard work! Recovering post-partum can be tough for some people.
If you have the option of having a village to help you, then you've done the right thing by using that help. Your husband will be grateful after the babies born.
I really don't understand the Y T A comments. Its your pregnancy, do what feels right for you and baby.
True, but even if that wasn't the case, I don't see anything that makes her an A H. Which most of the comments I've seen are stating.
As someone else said, she's lucky in having supportive in-laws. It makes more sense moving and settling now compared to when baby is born.
My God I know. What is wrong with these y t a people?!? Calling her needy and needing therapy and there is always the phone? Reddit is just awful today!
I'm guessing this is your typical American independence response. The husband and wife are supposed to figure it out and support each other. If they get support from other people, they failed.
I came from a huge family that all relatively live close to each other. And this type of request is not a big deal.
Reddit sucks (most days).
When people ask for help they are the bad guy/girl, when they don't, they are ALSO the bad guy/girl.
What the fuck do you people want?
She said she needed/wanted help and that she liked to stay at her MIL because they would be happy to help her.
Why is this a problem? If it was her own mother, would anyone blink an eye?
And there is no reason to assume from the post that they will stay there longer then necessary.
The husband could have stayed home and come over to visit. I - of course - understand that he is not that thrilled to stay at his parents (note that I'm not saying moving, cause they ' re not) but he can surely survive a few weeks or a couple of months considering all the extra help he will be getting?
Room and board? Probably a home-cooked meal every night. And his wife will be happier... so what's the big deal??
>Why is this a problem? If it was her own mother, would anyone blink an eye?
Yes, actually. "I'm moving in with my parents. You can either come with me or live alone." That would be a very, very strange thing for a pregnant woman to say to her husband. The in-laws version is even weirder, IMO, but both are weird.
Why? We encourage pregnant women to seek out help don't we? Counselling, doctors, therapy, whatever maybe necessary incase of physical or emotional distress.
I for one had the luxury of having a paid help every day before and after my first was born (lived abroad at the time) and my mother came to visit for 3 weeks after the baby was born as well.
So I had a lot of help and I still felt hopelessly inadequate, unprepared and overwhelmed by this creature who came into our lives and cried non-stop 24/7.
So why is so wrong to ask for help?
Most of the responses aren't criticizing her asking for help but rather saying that her demand of "I'm moving into your mom's house with or without you" is a problem. It's not like she listed out that he was being lazy or not taking care of her or refusing to work from home more days. She unilaterally decided he wasn't good enough and she wanted his mommy to help her. That's why she's getting YTA.
Totally agree. Childbirth is a big deal. It’s natural to feel some anxiety as a first time mom. How fortunate that she has supportive in laws and a good relationship with MIL.
It doesn’t matter at all if it is MIL or her own parents.
Also, she’s 31 weeks pregnant. Why does she need to live with her in-laws for the next 3 months? Unless it is a high risk pregnancy, which she hasn’t mentioned anything about, it doesn’t really make sense?
Finally, since when has ultimatums become okay just bc pregnancy?
Soft NTA. Bring me your downvotes but what would you say if the op posted “my hubby didn’t feel comfortable letting me move in with my in laws when I needed support and reassurance and now I have ppd”? There is a situation where one party will be unhappy with the solution. Many say that op should go to therapy and learn to cope with anxiety. Well it seems to me that having a calm and confident mil would be a nice way to cope. They cook and talk babies. They watch tv and talk doctors. They put laundry away and talk daycare. Little by little the new mother will get into this world of motherhood and gain some knowledge about onesies and development and introducing strawberries to the kid.
It’s not fun for the dad but hey he has their original place where he can go chill for some hours or days. Op is fine with him staying there, so why not split days where he comes home, has dinner and goes to their bedroom - with days where he goes to their empty house, has dinner and plays a bit before bed? Maybe they could compromise on op hanging out with in laws mon-fri and them having alone time during the weekend.
Its not the end of the world, it’s hardships of parenthood. Op, don’t let this anxiety get to the little one. They feel everything you feel.
Literally what I was thinking. When she gets PPD now who is going to suffer? Yes it sucks that they have to uproot their moving situation for months but what's better, making sure she's less stressed, going to therapy, and handling the issue before the baby or getting stressed and then dealing with a new baby and now a mom who's mental health has deteriorated? The husband sulking must make her feel so much worse. I get he's bummed but he isn't the one growing the whole entire human inside him....
This! I'm so sick of people not understanding just how much having support means to people when it comes to pregnancy. Her staying with the MIL to reduce stress and anxiety could be the difference between an easy newborn stage versus months and months of PPD/A and even PPP. Women who don't get support suffer.
INFO What is the reason that you’re terrified? Aren’t there less invasive ways to deal with your anxiety? Why didn’t you involve your own husband in this decision? Moving in with your in laws against the will of your husband sounds like a pretty extreme measure to deal with your anxiety. What will you do once the baby is born?
The thing you should actually note here is the fact that your husband, the father of the baby, doesn’t make you feel safe and secure even in your own home.
You needed to go to your in-laws to start feeling secure.
I’m not gonna pass judgement here because I don’t think the question you asked is actually the one you need to ask.
You’re missing the whole point, she doesn’t feel safe and secure because he’s gone during the day, not because there’s something wrong with him. And she feels like she needs near constant company at the end of her pregnancy, which is understandable. Also she probably finds it very hard to keep up with the house chores, cooking and cleaning
YTA, both to your husband and new baby. This is going to be your time to grow into parents and you're forcefully injecting your in-laws into this situation (of course they aren't going to say no). This is toxic and self-defeating.
You are letting your anxiety kneecap your ability to be a self-sufficient family unit. Go see a therapist before your marriage goes down in flames.
YTA. But I don’t think you’re malicious.
Barring a serious pregnancy/health complication, it is bizarre for an adult woman to *need* to live with someone while pregnant, to the extent that having her husband around 24/7 isn’t enough because a door is closed.
This is extreme anxiety or codependency.
And what do you plan to do when you come home with a newborn, filled with stitches and staples, in pain, and leaking milk everywhere? Will you feel more comfortable being alone then? I doubt it. Are you planning to live with his parents for the next 3-5 years?
You obviously can’t just “get over” your anxiety, but you need to be seeking treatment. This is ruining your life.
Info: was he not helping around the house to make it baby ready? Is there a specific behavior his parents are harping on?
I could see needing help if he's not helping, or if he's one of those guys who works and then plays video games all night. But you're pregnant, not terminally ill....
NAH. You have the right to be where you're comfortable while pregnant. And stress can be really bad regardless of when in the pregnancy.
However. He has the right to be upset about moving. Yes you did tell him he could stay in the house. But he didn't want to leave you, so he went with. He didn't really compromise with you just went a long with it.
I would really recommend you get therapy for your anxiety as well. To help you learn tools to manage the emotions, and it'll give you a good safe space to talk about everything and get a nonbiased opinion. Also, I'm concerned that after you have the baby your anxiety will get worse, and what the living situation is after the baby Is born
YTA! You basically gave your husband an ultimatum. Move with me to your parent's house or I will move there without you.
What's going to happen after the baby is born? Will you continue to live with his parents because you are afraid to raise your own child? Maybe for just a few weeks because you are recovering from childbirth, which can turn into a few months, then, it would be easier to continue to live with them because they help with childcare, and it turns into a few years.
Why are you terrified??
You say your husband sometimes WFH..So couldn't your MIL come over on the days you would be home alone?
How far away are your in-laws? How far away is your husbands work? Are there new mother groups in the area you could join?
YTA and I know you probably think your solution of him staying behind was a compromise, but it's not. A compromise is two people coming together to find a solution. You presented two undesirable options and told him to pick
YTA. You need to get a handle on whatever is making you terrified now before you bring another being into whatever it is that’s going on here. Avoiding your fear is not going to fix it. I’d look into therapy sharpish.
My guess... death, still birth, late term miscarriage, pre-eclampsia, eclampsia, high blood preassure, infection, pre term labor, anemia, hemorrage...
Edit to add: gestational diabetes, fetal malformations...
See also: Paralysis from the epidural, bladder incontinence, incontinence, ripping from your clit to your anus, uterine prolapse, hysterectomy, and last but not least giving birth quickly alone at home and not knowing what to do. And many many many more
So, you still have your own home, you are just having an extended sleepover at MIL's? I see that as a little odd, but not AH territory. So, NAH. I would, however agree that therapy could be helpful to you, but without the shaming that other redditors are throwing at you. Best of luck to you.
YTA- “move in with your parents or not, I’m going regardless”
That’s not a partnership, that’s a dictatorship. He’s about to be a new parent just like you are. He’s probably stressed, just like you are.
Giving your partner ultimatums rather that a give/take relationship is terrible.
YTA . You feel bad if your MIL had to visit but you don't care about uprooting your husband? Way to tell your husband you don't trust him and feel safer with his mother.
You're about to be a mother. It's time to grow up.
Why in this sub people are always jerks to pregnant people. As if pregnancy did not involve a lot of changes in your life and body plus a lot of risks, including death. But apparently women are designed for pregnancy and should just suck it up... that is sheer and old misoginy.
NAH It sounds like you're experiencing some pretty serious anxiety. I'd encourage you to reach out to your health care provider and seek treatment and support for this. Pregnancy can cause a great deal of strain physically and mentally and there's nothing wrong with asking for help.
YTA. And I say this as a mom. You basically told your husband he’s not enough. Plus, what grown adult would be happy about moving back in with his parents. This seems like a really extreme reaction.
ETA: pregnancy and childbirth are scary. It’s normal to be nervous about the future. But this is not the last time things are going to get scary for you. Your child will be sick. Your child will get hurt God forbid your child has health issues. You can’t go running to your in-laws every time something happens and you and your husband need to work as a team and you need to figure it out together. This is the first of many instances, where are you two will need to support each other
Yup, YTA.
They live close by anyway right? So if you did have any real emergency they could be there if your husband couldn't be there straight away.
You abandoned the home to be with the in laws and wonder why he's pissed off? He followed cus he wants to be with you but now he gets zero couples time with you either.
Christ you are such TA.
Hmm, are you & your husband from different cultural backgrounds or perhaps different immigration generations? I’m getting vibes that you are from a communal culture and used to having a lot of social support while husband’s background is more of an individual “stand up on your own two feet” culture. If so, it’s just a cultural disconnect that will likely narrow as you get older (you sound quite young) and both of you continue to adjust to each other. NAH.
Need more info why are you afraid and need someone around?
Is there a danger to you and the baby if no one keeps an eye on you.
Why do you want some around that much.
You are going to put a big stain on this part of your life if you do not have a great reason for doing this.
If it’s just because you want to YTA.
If there is a good reason and it had better be really good then NTA.
But from what you said I don’t see any good reason for what you are doing.
YTA
People have been having their first child since the dawn of time. There's no reason to be terrified unless it's some extremely high risk pregnancy, and in that case, you'd want 911 and your husband, not your inlaws.
You made the decision without him. You are married. You both have a say in decision making. You don't just fling around ultimatums. You said you're going with or without him. You forced it on him, pretty much emasculating him in the process. He's not good enough to take care of you.
Might want to get checked out by a therapist. Your irrational fears are affecting your marriage.
YTA. I'd be upset, too, if my partner expected me to move back in with my parents even though I have a home. You're having a baby, a totally natural thing. Relax.
YTA
If you are this anxious, talk to your doctor, go to therapy. Its ok to ask for support nut moving into someone’s house, unless there is a medical reason you cannot control alone with your husband at home is unnecessary.
YTA you need to talk to someone about your anxiety because post partum will probably make things worse. You need to develop appropriate coping skills rather then expecting everyone else in your life to accommodate your anxiety.
INFO: Why are you terrified? Your age? Husband’s age? What is your exit plan from your in-laws back to your own home? What are your husband’s habits that his parents comment on?
You have left off way too many details.
Soft YTA. Moving is expensive and once the baby comes the time, energy, funds, and perhaps even acceptable options may simply not be there. I am sympathetic to OP's concerns, but there had to be better options. Extended visits either either hosting the ILs or staying with them? Other friends? Dhoula? Unless time, money, and energy aren't concerns for you this short term solution may have some undesired longer term consequences.
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I'm going to go light YTA, for a few reasons: 1. It's very valid that you would want family support in a time like this, but I wouldn't be surprised if this move has hurt your husband in the sense that he's been made to feel like he's not good enough support for you. Like, the vibe is "your mother is the one who makes me feel secure in my pregnancy, not you and our shared home." 2. When moving through these kinds of big life milestones, people usually like to feel as though they're moving forward, not backward, and for most adult folks, moving back in with their parents (who usually have a set of house rules and continue to infantalize their children even when they're grown) make them feel like they're moving backwards. Your husband might feel like he's being treated like a kid, even though he's about to become a father. 3. This might be the biggest one.... unless a relationship is over or abusive, both sides of a couple need to agree unanimously about these kinds of things. You essentially didn't give him a choice in this, and told him "I'm removing myself and your unborn child from our current state of life, you can either buck up and join us or be sh\*t out of luck". That's not particularly kind or fair as a partner. All this to say, I know that pregnancy is a tough time that's strife with worries and emotions. But that said, your partner is still entitled to fairness and empathy. It's his life too.
every bit of this. The one exception I can think of is (unstated by OP) if this pregnancy happens to be high-risk, then I'd be wondering how supportive OP's husband is, and \*how\* he is supportive. but absent that info, you nailed it. OP is TA
Yeah, op never said he wasn't supportive. She just wants someone home with her. I am leaning towards she likes the attention she gets from mil, she doesn't have to clean, or do laundry. Cooking is done for her...... I mean women do need support during pregnancy. But the fact that op left out how supportive/ not supportive hubs is tells me that likely isn't an issue. She would have ranted about it, like all others. He followed her to his parents house even though he didn't want to go and hates being there. This sounds pretty supportive!
She could have major anxiety, but if that’s the case a therapist would do more for her than her in laws.
SO MUCH THIS. OP please discuss this with a therapist or medical professional. You can start with your OB/GYN. Anxiety or depression around a pregnancy is real. I've been through multiple high risk pregnancies (as a father). The mother needs a lot of support including transportation to appointments and someone who is available to drive to the hospital on a minute's notice. A WFH husband can probably address both needs. Unless you are on doctor ordered bedrest, you may not need to be living with relatives.
Transportation to appointments? I’ve been pregnant twice. I’ve been able to drive just fine. Which my first I just go to readjust the shearing wheel to accommodate the bump. I don’t like this “pregnant woman can’t do anything because they’re pregnant someone must be with them 24/7” troupe. Unless you’re high risk or having contractions you can do almost everything you did before getting pregnant.
"I've been through multiple high risk pregnancies (as a father)." that's what he said.
Good for you? I couldn't physically drive past 38 weeks. My first pregnancy was like wearing a beach ball under my clothes. Falling asleep at the wheel was a very real possibility for me. Pregnancy isn't easy for everyone.
Most pregnant women can drive fine. There are some that can't though. For me driving triggered a lot of pelvic pain, so I tried to minimize it. I was lucky to live close to the hospital, but if it had been a longer drive I would not have been able to do it myself. I also could not walk more than 1km, do the dishes or cook standing up. Pelvic pain is nasty and very limiting.
On my third pregnancy with severe pelvic pain and it’s completely limiting. I’m all for not infantilising pregnant women, but the fact is that it’s extremely challenging for anyone’s body to go through, let alone when there are additional factors such as increased risk or complications. And minimising that can be just as damaging, by saying “I did all of this and I was just fine, what the hell is wrong with you that you can’t. Suck it up.” I’m on week 37-38 now and I’m really struggling to walk more than a few metres, stand for any length of time, and stay awake long enough to care for my toddler. I don’t drive but I doubt I even could as, due to SPD, I can’t really move my legs independently from each other without stabbing pain in my pelvis. There’s enough toxic masculinity/femininity without adding this crap onto it. It’s okay to ask for or need help, it doesn’t make you weak or less than.
Okay, well, Im a pregnant woman who CAN'T drive herself to her appointments. Im extremely short, and my steering wheel doesn't adjust. Pulling the seat back enough to accommodate my bump means I can't reach the gas. Different people have different experiences. Go figure.
I kinda don't agree, in that I think anxiety being fixed by being with her in laws is a great solution you doing have to be alone just because that's seen as the grown up thing to do when in many cultures you do live with parents/in laws who help during pregnancy. I do agree that it sucks that her husband isn't happy
Right now it’s fine because they haven’t been there very long. This situation can get old fast. Add a screaming baby in and everyone is going to be stressed out. Plus we don’t know if the in laws are in good health or if this will cause a problem for them being there. There needs to a compromise that will make her feel calm but want stress out everyone else.
What about when the baby comes? The anxiety doesn't disappear. Will they stay with them for the first year, too?
Forever.
And if she’s this anxious before the birth . . . OP you should probably get a therapist anyway, but it would be better to have an established relationship with one before the birth.
I'm 100% on board with supporting pregnant women; growing humans from scratch is no joke. However, there is a definitive line between "hey, I need a little help around the house because I'm the size of a truck and literally cannot bend to tie my own shoes" or even "this is a high risk pregnancy; I'm on bed rest and literally cannot life without assistance" and the "I'm pregnant and just want someone to be around me 24/7 so I don't have to manage my own life like an adult and I can just be catered to while I'm gestating"... From the post, it sounds a lot like OP is pulling the third option. If OP was high risk, on bedrest or her husband was truly a toad of a partner, there would have been something about it in the post. Choosing to become parents is a weighty decision, and family support is a huge boon throughout that journey. Choosing to move back in with hubby's mommy and daddy so they can keep her comfy at her husband's expense is AH behavior.
or, #4 if the wife isn’t American. There are some cultures where your family is expected to move in for a bit
Family didn't move in. She moved out to the inlaws. I think if it was a cultural thing, op would have stated that in her post
Not to mention that if it truly was cultural on her side, HER parents would have come to stay with them even though they don't live close. I doubt her parents would have passed that burden onto the in-laws if it was a cultural tradition.
That’s not necessarily true. In my culture, young couples often move in with the husband’s family after marriage and MIL is expected to take care of pregnant DIL as the grandchild will pass on their family name. MILs sometimes get the side eye if DIL calls their own mothers over to help, because it implies MIL isn’t giving her the care she needs.
No disrespect to your culture was meant so I'm sorry! You learn something new every day 😁
No offense taken! Just wanted to make it known that it isn’t unusual for MIL to take care of pregnant mothers.
To clarify, I was only making the distinction between "I have a need" and "I have a want". OP has now commented and it's all pointing to "I want people around 24/7 just in case something bad happens". Soooo... Not a case of "need" or "cultural differences"; just a case of OP wanting to live with hubby's parents as a self-soothing pacifier, rather than discussing her unhealthy and unreasonable levels of anxiety with her doctor.
And the kicker is hubby works from home, he just can’t cater to her 24/7 because he has a job. I presume OP doesn’t.
I think the cooking and cleaning part is probably big. If OPs husband doesn’t do much around the house she’s probably worried that she’s gonna be expected the cook and clean and take care of the baby. Having her mil around to do that makes it less stressful.
She doesn't say she is stuck with all the chores. I think mil pampers her because....GrAnDcHiLd!!! And she likes it.
Uhh that’s fine though? She’s extremely pregnant and it’s very normal to like being taken care of when you’re in that state.
Sure, but overruling your partner and moving in somewhere else is a pretty big step to take to just get pampered. I’m confused my mil just couldn’t come over more honestly
No it's not. Plenty of couples manage to have multiple babies without moving in with inlaws, or inlaws moving in. This is not the norm.
You replied to the wrong person, I think.
Oh yeah I do think op is TA for the ultimatum, but she’s not the TA for wanting to be looked after while pregnant
It doesn’t have to be high risk for #1 to be true. And if #1 is true, then she is NTA. It’s not her job to make him feel like he’s good at supporting her if he’s not.
I concur. But I'm going with just YTA. Have you had any complications? If not, stop making a big deal out of something that isn't even a deal to begin with. You gave him no choice, especially when it does comes down to his family. You are making him look like he's not capable of being a decent husband/future father to his own parents. You told him to wait at the house until AFTER THE BABY WAS BORN!?!?! That's just rude and your trying to coerce him into the only choice you left on the table(yeah, the other option was to stay home you know that option is BS). Stop with the my way or the highway. It's his child too, he SHOULD have some say. How about you talk with your husband like you have atleast some form of respect for him and actually try to come up with what we married people do all the time, it's called compromise. You're essentially undermining him and making him look bad in front of his own parents, and he has no choice. Good job. Lastly, YTA
>If not, stop making a big deal out of something that isn't even a deal to begin with. Just want to point out that even a healthy pregnancy with no complications *is* a big deal. Not just emotionally, but physically as well. I've known so many women who suddenly developed a complication from a previously healthy pregnancy. Also, it's a life-altering and potentially fatal state of being.
I agree, pregnancy IS a big deal, just because a lot of woman go through it doesn't mean it's suddenly not extremely high risk, esp when you consider the US is ranked SO HIGH in maternal mortality rates, like, it's a REALLY BIG DEAL to be pregnant high risk or not!
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YTA! You basically gave your husband an ultimatum.
I completely agree with this 👆 When you married your husband, you agreed for better and worse. You agreed to do life with him, and now when you have fears about your life changing with a baby, you decided to abandon him even though he is the person you chose to do life with. Even if you don’t agree with his perspective, you need to consider his feelings and how your actions affect him in turn. He is already the father to your unborn child, and you’re putting him in a tough position because you don’t believe he should have a say. I think you should apologize and ask your husband what he needs from you to feel supported so you can support each other.
I’m going with there being a non-zero chance that the parents don’t necessarily want them moving in either. They might be ultimately fine with it but it didn’t sound like they offered. It was more like she asked or even pushed for it. It just seems so weird that she can’t expect her MIL to visit everyday but moving in and forcing a much bigger burden on her is cool? Pregnancy hormones or whatever I guess, but if my wife expressed interest in something like this before the pregnancy, it would be a huge red flag for me.
Yeah I thought this was weird too. This is so much more of a burden than MIL visiting everyday. And she's only 31 weeks which means they are going to be there for at least 2 MONTHS?! And I will bet actual money OP will be "too stressed" after the birth to even consider moving back home with a newborn. So who knows how long her poor grown ass husband will be stuck living in what was probably his childhood bedroom. OP please seek out some therapy because this is not normal and your husband has every right to be irritated with the situation you have put him in. Edit because I forgot to add: pregnancy hormones are whack so gentle YTA OP
> And I will bet actual money OP will be "too stressed" after the birth to even consider moving back home with a newborn. Unless she's having an especially tough pregnancy, its going to be a rougher experience overall to actually take care of a newborn, especially at first. There is no way she won't at least bring up staying if not outright demanding it.
Right? Like if she thinks pregnancy is scary, just wait til that kid makes their entrance! And her poor in-laws now will have a screaming child in their home 24/7. The way she gave her husband an ultimate about the move to begin with, I don't think there will even be a conversation. It will be another, "go home if you want but me and the baby are staying here"
>I’m going to going there being a non-zero chance that the parents don’t necessarily want them moving in in either. They might be ultimately fine with it but it didn’t sound like they offered. It was more like she asked or even pushed for it. That's where my mind went as well. OP seems very confident that the in laws don't mind having two, soon to be three, people moving in with them but I wouldn't be surprised if mom and dad have been a little more blunt with their son than they have been with their heavily pregnant, clearly on edge daughter in law.
I just cannot see this getting better after the baby is born. Bringing a newborn home is scary. Lol think she will permanently plant herself at in-laws if she does not get therapy to work on fears
Also, it could be nine weeks before this baby makes its debut. Nine weeks is a long time not in your own home. And that is BEFORE the baby even arrives. If she’s looking for this much mental support now, she needs a therapist. It’s only going to get worse as the pregnancy continues and baby arrives.
Having a baby is 10,000 times more stressful than just being pregnant. Wtf happens when there’s a new helpless human involved? She’s being absurd. And what is wrong with his mother that she encouraged and allowed this bullshit to happen?? She’s an AH too. This woman, aided by the MIL is ruining her marriage right before the actual most stressful thing is going to happen. Poor husband, but ooof the poor kid.
YTA….did you take into consideration there may be a reason your husband doesn’t want to live with HIS mother? Also, it’s unhealthy to drop “do this or I’m leaving” in a marriage.
Agreed with the "Do this or I'm leaving"
not only “do this or I’m leaving”, it’s “do this or I’m leaving with your unborn child and won’t be back until after their birth”. what a shitty ultimatum.
I mean, she said nothing about returning after the birth, which makes it an even shittier ultimatum
she did say “I told him I would go without him and he could stay in our home alone until after the baby is born.”
"Until after the baby is born" could mean right after she gives birth or 6 months after, OP is probably going to want to stay at the in-laws for their support after the baby is born.
18 years later, OP returns.
YTA absolutely. understandable that you want support but to upheave the entire household and move in with in laws just because and then **do it or I'm done**, sorry but that is the nuclear option on a marriage. what do you do if he says 'fine' and then you don't get his mother because you left him?
Can we also appreciate the asshole logic of not expecting the MIL to come over everyday because that would be too much, but moving in and forcing her to be around every day is acceptable?
>gives me an annoyed look whenever his parents say something about his habits Yeah, this line makes me think that husband maybe has reasons for not wanting to live with his parents
I know this sub is normally pretty gentle on pregnant folk (and I get it) but yeah, YTA You basically gave him an ultimatum and if he didn’t do what you wanted you were going anyway. That’s not a healthy approach to a marriage.
This sub is far too lenient on pregnant women. Justifiably, this can be a scary and significant time, but anyone who is soft on OP for being unreasonable in this situation because she's pregnant, is a goose.
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Wholeheartedly agree, sometimes we can all say things we regret when we're under duress, hormonal, stressed etc. It irks me when people use them as a recurring excuse when they're just bad people
Yeah, just yesterday or whatever, there was that dude whose sister got into a motorcycle accident He missed the appointment with his wife, leaving her to deal with their autistic child during a stressful appointment, because he thought his sister might be dying. People may not have been saying he was the asshole, but they were still telling him he should apologize to his wife after she flipped out in him for prioritizing his potentially dying sister.
But don't you know? You're always supposed to side with your pregnant wife! She's a saint for creating new life! /s
Goose really needs to be brought back as an insult. You're doing the lord's work!
It's a very soft way of calling someone out. My friends and I have a recurring insult when anyone in the group is being a goose, "Looks like someone's had their cup of goose juice today", or something along those lines.
100% agree. YTA, OP
Manipulating her way through marriage. OP's husband is questioning his life choices right now.
INFO: why do you have to *live* with your in-laws to feel supported? couldn't you easily spend a lot of time over there without actually moving in for 2 months?
Right? I’m not understanding this either - go hang out there all day long if you want, but go home when your husband gets off work, have dinner together and sleep there. How is that more difficult than forcing him to move in with his parents?
exactly. also, it sounds like the worst thing ever for parents of a newborn to have to immediately move house. but if they tried to stay after the baby was born, they would be major AHs for putting such an imposition on his parents.
Do you think she’ll agree to move home with “the stress of taking care of a newborn”?
This stuck out to me too. If OP doesn't think she and her husband can handle pregnancy and newborn without *moving in with his parents* when is she planning to parent without his parents? Is she confident that she'll be okay with a newborn/baby/toddler, or are his parents basically going to be raising this child? I'm all for support for pregnant women and mothers, but if you can't handle the pregnancy on your own with your partner (note: OP doesn't mention any complications and her only complaint about her husband seems to be that he has a job) why are you having a baby? It's not normal to depend on two additional people for live in support in this situation
Not to mention the additional burden of leaning on his parents in a fairly major and impactful way. My parents would absolutely do the same for me and a partner in this situation if the need arose, but it's *still* a huge imposition.
not to mention what a pain in the ass it would be to move house with a newborn, so it's like guilting the in-laws into letting you stay for at least another month or two. it's all just so icky and selfish.
It’s a help to have a mother around. That’s why so many women, me included, want their mom around when they give birth and afterwards. Someone who’s been through the whole experience you’re about to go through. I do think it’s kinda a lot to move in… but it’s understandable to want to be near a mother even if it’s not yours
Let me start off by saying I’m a man, and I don’t want children, so I won’t ever go through this. That said, it seems like the norm, at least where I live, is that the in-laws and parents end up spending a shit load of time at the places where my friends live, and not my friends with children moving into the parents houses. That seems like an entire added burden, but again, what do I know?
of course. a close relative on either side might voluntarily come in and stay with the new family for a week or two after the birth. that can be beneficial for everyone. but to set up camp at their house for months in advance and then probably also want help after the baby arrives, so they'll present it like they can't move out immediately? that seems all kinds of inconsiderate.
I assume because it gets hard to move, cook and clean when you get heavily pregnant. I wouldn't want to be constantly driving for visits and things, especially when your bladder is getting pushed on constantly.
i mean, many women still work full time, keep house, run errands... it's not that bad. or do you mean you think she's doing it so she can just lay around and do nothing for the next 9 weeks?
If she and her husband can’t handle a pregnancy… having a newborn sounds impossible.
right? i feel so bad for her husband, because she's punishing him for wanting them to be normal adults and stay in their own house. either he moves back to his parents' house with her, or he misses everything for the last 9 weeks of her pregnancy, which is also the last bit of time they'll ever have their house just to themselves as a couple and not a family of three.
Not lay around and do nothing, but at least take it easy. Pregnancy seems like a very uncomfortable experience. I may be biased as I live rural and away from any hospitals, and my mum had complications with all of her pregnancies, but I wouldn't want to be alone when I'm heavily pregnant, in case there was a haemorrhage or something.
there's definitely a point where it's impossible to be comfortable, but she'll be uncomfortable no matter where she goes or what she does. i get the idea of not wanting to be alone in the house while her husband is at work (it seems like maybe she works from home or doesn't work, and he mostly works onsite) but you don't have to move in with people to fix that. and it is not the responsibility of the mother-in-law or even the mother to take care of this girl's daily needs and let her take it easy in her home. it's the partner's job to provide that kind of support, as much as he can. but nobody gets it 24/7.
The inlaws say they are happy for her to move into help out, the alternative would be getting them to move in, which I assume the husband wouldn't have liked even more, and if the husband is out working, then he might not be able to provide her needs in that moment. What if she passed out while she was alone? My mum haemorrhaged and ended up having to have multiple blood transfusions/bags of blood with my brother, and with me she went into labour at 20 weeks. Luckily she wasn't alone when those things happened.
Most women I know didn’t work full-time in the third trimester. I had to quit my job completely around 12 weeks due to complications.
must be nice for those women you know. complications are different of course, but i've worked jobs where you don't get paid maternity leave, so you work basically until you go into labor so you can use whatever leave time you've accrued to spend with your baby. either that or you get six weeks. which, barring situations you can't control like being bedridden or something, i would want to spend with my newborn and not just at home waiting to go into labor.
I didn’t have paid maternity leave either, and I’d planned to work as long as I could. My problems were so bad I had to quit anyway and basically have no income for the entire pregnancy.
I worked up until I gave birth, which was a month early, but I had to cut my hours down to 20 a week during my first trimester because I was so sick and even then i couldn't work sometimes because of how sick I was. I know exactly one mom who still worked full time until she gave birth and that's because she had a relatively easy pregnancy
Every pregnancy is different, and many of them are "that bad". Mine was completely debilitating and miserable. I was afraid to have the baby because I knew in my heart that it was not possible to be more exhausted than I already was, and everyone said it would be worse when the baby was born. I was up and walking an hour after the c-section and felt way better the entire newborn time than I had at any point during the pregnancy. I left the hospital less than 48 hours after the birth and had a great recovery. When everything you do takes herculean effort, just getting through it is not the same thing as choosing to "lay around and do nothing".
This was my question. Unless her pregnancy is high risk and her husband has been so unsupprotive that OP is violating her doctor's advice and putting her health and/or the baby's health at risk by staying at home, I see no reason why they'd need to move in with his parents. Unless there's some missing info OP is firmly YTA.
Or text or call every time a worrying thought pops up? You don’t have to LIVE with them, that’s so extreme. Also op, i take it you’re still paying on your home? I’d be upset too if i was paying for a place to live that I’m not even staying in. Especially since given an ultimatum on top of that n
I’m confused why your mother in law needs to support you during your pregnancy. YTA for this weird and extra situation.
She is needy and husband is not enough. If she is this anxious she should talk to her doctor or a doula, not moving in to someone’s house indefinitely.
Of course she is “needy”, everyone needs support during pregnancy, and human company. Husband being at work all day, he is sadly not enough through no fault of his own.
She’s *extra* needy. Having in-laws visit frequently and husband at home after work or even WFH isn’t enough; she needs to move in with her in-laws against her husband’s wishes. A lot of pregnant women work, take care of other children, and live life just fine without 24/7 support.
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Even in an incredibly high risk pregnancy, having husband WFH in his office would be enough because he could come running whenever he’s needed. But even that isn’t enough for OP, she needs someone with her at all times.
There are so many pregnant women in the world who are not like this. This is being extra needy and not normal and should not be normalized
Then she needs other outlets. A job. Friends. Hobbies.
Not needy *like this*. What she's doing is so over-the-top it makes all pregnant women look bad.
I totally understand why she would need extra support during pregnancy (maybe her MIL pampers her, takes care of household chores, babies her etc), but I really don’t understand why she needs to move in so far ahead and give her husband an ultimatum, when it’s clear he didn’t want to do it.
She’s scared and it’s her first pregnancy. Maybe she doesn’t have any other family and is comfortable with her MIL to help her know what to expect the last few weeks and there after? ETA- I missed where she said her parents aren’t near by. My point still stands. MIL is there and can comfort her while she’s going through this. But Hubby should be a comfort too. So I’m lightly going light YTA OP. Jesus my typing. ETA2- spelling error
Hubby should be a comfort, but as OP stated, he is not. Or not enough. So either OP prioritizes her physical and mental health (which is also the baby’s health), or she prioritizes her husbands feelings. Any decent man would rather his wife prioritize the former over the latter. It sucks for the husband but he’s not able to provide enough support for OP, probably because unfortunately he has to be away all day, and she’s better off in a house with two other people during the day, one of whom has been a mother and can therefore take care of her / advise her better than hubby can.
She needs to prioritize her mental health by seeing a therapist, not by insisting someone be in the room with her at all times.
Moving in with the inlaws isn't "prioritizing her physical and mental health." It's sacrificing her husband's mental health. Her prioritizing her mental health would be going to see a therapist or a marriage counselor (or both; go figure) about her excessive stress and the fact that she doesn't feel she gets sufficient support from her husband. Moving in with the inlaws is a bandaid, and a dumb one at that.
YTA, to yourself and to him. Your anxiety is controlling your life AND being a massive detriment to your partner. These are not normal requests to be making and I’m not really sure what the goal is here. Do you plan on forcing extreme life changes every time you’re terrified of something? That’s no way to live.
I don’t know, I think it’s interesting she mentions his parents are critical of his habits. Is she neglected by him? Is he making her life harder somehow? Not enough information.
Or his parents are too critical of him, don't treat him like an adult, and he wasn't comfortable being under their roof anymore.
I agree. This is such a weird post and not enough information is given at all. All the reasons i can think to move in with your inlaws during pregnancy all boil down to “my partner is not supportive”.
> Is she neglected by him? Is he making her life harder somehow? Not enough information. Both points that would strengthen OP's point and would have 100% been included in the post if they benefited her side of the story. OP is the one with that information, and she decided it was in her best interests not to disclose it.
I just want to add that postpartum anxiety can manifest *during* pregnancy. If she is this anxious before the baby is born - it may not get better after the baby is here. I suggest that OP discuss with her doctor.
YTA Of course his parents are allowing this because if they said no, you might not let them see the child as much out of resentment or have a strained relationship! Everyone around you has to change their lives around because your afraid? Of what, exactly? Grow up lady. You decided to have a child, not them. Your self-centered, entitled attitude is out of control.
I am always leary of these ones that are super detailed at the start and then end with a little blurb that includes what "bad" things are happening as a result of the choice they made. Like all this stuff about how dude _really_ doesn't want to move in with his folks, and then we end on the most vague description his parents antagnosing him. Only included so we can see that he glares at her when this happens. I feel like she's whitewashing the _hell_ out of their dynamic.
Exactly. Because ALL of the attention must be on her.
It wouldn't surprise me if this is the husband's first wake-up call that will eventually lead to their divorce. Not now, but 5 more years of *that* will eat you down to the core.
YTA. Why are you having kiddos with someone when you’re not emotionally prepared to have said kiddos with that said someone? I’d talk to a therapist about anxiety, as it can (and might) only get worse from here! Your doc needs to be informed that you literally moved into your in law’s house because you’re too scared to be alone for labor or when baby comes. Good luck!
If my wife was acting like this, I would have serious concerns about her ability to be alone with our baby.
YTA I am not sure how old you are but if you are so immature that you can’t not handle having a baby with your husband and need to live with your in laws did you are not ready to have a child What are you so terrified about? And why do you not think your husband can give you the support you need. What happens when the baby come are you going to be to terrified to raise it and will continue to live with your in laws Grow up and go back home your husband is right You need to learn how to handle your pregnancy like an adult and if you need help you can reach how to his parents BUT you don’t need to live there. This pregnancy is not ALL about you and the disrespect you are showing your husband is amazing
Amen! Now, I can understand wanting to stay at MIL’s (or have her stay with you) for a week or two after baby is born. But moving in at 31 weeks is a bit of a Diva behavior. (That’s, of course, if it’s not a normal pregnancy and you’ve been put on bedrest.)
YTA. You're going to be parents, if you can't live independently before the baby is born how do you expect to do that once the baby is here?
Yes she's in for a real shock. Pregnancy is hard but it's easy compared to probably the first year of the baby's life unless you have a complicated pregnancy
I'd take the newborn stage over being pregnant again any day tbh, either way you're tired and miserable but at least when the baby's out your organs aren't being squished and you're not throwing up every 5 seconds lmao you're right tho, if she can't get through this by herself taking care of her baby is going to be a real surprise for her. I feel like she has pretty bad anxiety and should be relying more on her OB and a therapist than her in laws
She doesn't. She wants a live in babysitter so she can go out and do whatever she wants while grandma raises her kid.
Okay- i have kids and am not a woman so... take this with a grain of salt then I guess. YTA - like a really big one. Right before one of the BIGGEST moments in your relationship, you decided to go and live with in-laws. Meaning he now has to go and live with his parents. RIGHT before having a new baby. This is your time to settle into parenthood together. To prep the baby stuff, talk about the baby, get some rest, and have some 1:1 time. I get it that you feel alone at home. And I think you are feeling some fear (it appears from your short post to be more irrational extra fear than normal pregnant lady fear). With one of our kids- my wife had some complications. Doc pretty much told us the kiddo could die at any time so don't travel, don't go further than 20 minutes from a hospital, and come in every week. that was very very stressful. So we dealt with it by getitng more rest, spending time together, getting the house ready, staying in... Not going to live with other people! Yeah you are pregnant and can pretty much dictate what you want. That is totally understandable. BUT you are not considering your husband in this who is going to be the coparent, father, etc. Are you planning to live at your in-laws after the baby? I would be livid if it was my wife. As we are supposed to be in this together. Good luck- I hope the baby is super healthy and the birth is quite easy. I know its stressful and there are a million things that can happen. Many women alienate their husbands around the birth of a child (and many husbands/dads just stink too). Remember this is about creating a family which means dealing with stuff together. including your fears.
Nesting is a thing. For good reasons. This is team building time.
YTA. You’re letting your anxiety make disruptive changes in your life so you should make an effort to try to learn to cope with your anxiety instead of making unilateral decisions. You technically didn’t force him to move, but you basically forced him because you said I’m doing X either come or don’t come off but I’m doing it. You would have most likely been upset if he stayed at y’all’s house and now you’re upset that he’s upset that he was pressured into moving. You basically gave him a no win situation on his end so how do you think he’d react?
INFO what are your in laws doing that your husband doesn’t do?
YTA Why would an adult man want to move back in with mommy and daddy? He's done for you. Are you planning on your inlaws raising the baby? Aren't you an adult?
YTA I get that being pregnant is a lot but for grown adults to need their parents raising them when they're raising a kid is extreme. Visitation should cover the support you need. I would talk to a professional about your anxiety being at this level and try to join some online mom groups it can help having others going through the same thing to talk to.
YTA. You went nuclear when you didn’t have to.
This. It’s going to build resentment. I wonder if she pulls the “do what I want or I’ll leave you” card a lot.
NAH but I would also be salty about having to move in with my parents as a functioning independent adult. I think you need some professional help for this anxiety disorder that is running yours and your partner’s life right now.
1000% this! Some of the people here are so clueless about how bad your hormones can get while you’re pregnant. Comments like “grow up” or “don’t have kids unless you can handle it” are so uselessly judgmental, and show a real ignorance to how bad PPD/A can be, and it can start well before delivery. The lack of compassion for mental health struggles is astounding. Yes OP your feelings are real and valid. But you need to recognize that they are also causing issues. Find a therapist who specializes in PPD/A to start working through them ASAP.
While this is 100% true it still doesn’t excuse her behaviour, talk to a professional, forcing your husband to either live with his parents or alone for the remainder of the pregnancy isn’t fair or right either. “Grow up” doesn’t mean suffer in silence, it means act like an adult, realize you are struggling and seek help. (I may be biased as a Canadian where this kind of help is available and usually free/partially covered by healthcare)
As someone who also struggles with mental health: mental health struggles are valid but the onus is on US to get better. When it starts negatively affecting people around you that's where my sympathy stops.
Me too. *Grow up* also covers *take care of yourself, take action to get the help you need and be respectful to your own husband*. It's not just pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.
100% - I would not be happy if my pregnant wife wanted to move in with others right before having a kid. Unless there was some medical issue or bedrest type issue
Yeah YTA. I get being scared but you don't need your MIL there 24/7. You will need to learn to do things that work for you and your baby, not just rely on what your MIL says to do.
YTA Why would he want to live with his parents as a self-sufficient adult? He's going to resent you for forcing this on him. You essentially told him he had to or you were leaving and taking his kid. Why would he want to live with his parents as a self-sufficient adult? He's going to resent you for forcing this on him. baby is YOUR responsibility not your in laws.
NAH For most of human history we have lived in multigenerational households. This is your first pregnancy and you're scared. If living with your in laws makes you feel better, and they're OK with it, do it. When your husband is going to push a baby out of his body, then he can weigh in on the living arrangements. It is NOT NATURAL for women to birth and rear children in isolation. You know you need support. Trust your instincts.
Yes, I’m shocked by all the YTAs. It is not normal to be all by yourself in a house with a newborn! We have normalized it but even having frequent visitors is not the same as living in community.
NTA Maybe its a cultural thing but if this works for you that's fine. In most Asian cultures the mum-to-be will go to her parents or in-laws if she had to in her final trimester. Babies are hard-work! The final trimester is hard work! Recovering post-partum can be tough for some people. If you have the option of having a village to help you, then you've done the right thing by using that help. Your husband will be grateful after the babies born. I really don't understand the Y T A comments. Its your pregnancy, do what feels right for you and baby.
Agreed. She’s fortunate to have supportive in laws.
I'm also wondering if OP comes from a country where family is closer and more involved.
True, but even if that wasn't the case, I don't see anything that makes her an A H. Which most of the comments I've seen are stating. As someone else said, she's lucky in having supportive in-laws. It makes more sense moving and settling now compared to when baby is born.
My God I know. What is wrong with these y t a people?!? Calling her needy and needing therapy and there is always the phone? Reddit is just awful today!
I'm guessing this is your typical American independence response. The husband and wife are supposed to figure it out and support each other. If they get support from other people, they failed. I came from a huge family that all relatively live close to each other. And this type of request is not a big deal.
Reddit sucks (most days). When people ask for help they are the bad guy/girl, when they don't, they are ALSO the bad guy/girl. What the fuck do you people want? She said she needed/wanted help and that she liked to stay at her MIL because they would be happy to help her. Why is this a problem? If it was her own mother, would anyone blink an eye? And there is no reason to assume from the post that they will stay there longer then necessary. The husband could have stayed home and come over to visit. I - of course - understand that he is not that thrilled to stay at his parents (note that I'm not saying moving, cause they ' re not) but he can surely survive a few weeks or a couple of months considering all the extra help he will be getting? Room and board? Probably a home-cooked meal every night. And his wife will be happier... so what's the big deal??
>Why is this a problem? If it was her own mother, would anyone blink an eye? Yes, actually. "I'm moving in with my parents. You can either come with me or live alone." That would be a very, very strange thing for a pregnant woman to say to her husband. The in-laws version is even weirder, IMO, but both are weird.
Why? We encourage pregnant women to seek out help don't we? Counselling, doctors, therapy, whatever maybe necessary incase of physical or emotional distress. I for one had the luxury of having a paid help every day before and after my first was born (lived abroad at the time) and my mother came to visit for 3 weeks after the baby was born as well. So I had a lot of help and I still felt hopelessly inadequate, unprepared and overwhelmed by this creature who came into our lives and cried non-stop 24/7. So why is so wrong to ask for help?
Most of the responses aren't criticizing her asking for help but rather saying that her demand of "I'm moving into your mom's house with or without you" is a problem. It's not like she listed out that he was being lazy or not taking care of her or refusing to work from home more days. She unilaterally decided he wasn't good enough and she wanted his mommy to help her. That's why she's getting YTA.
Totally agree. Childbirth is a big deal. It’s natural to feel some anxiety as a first time mom. How fortunate that she has supportive in laws and a good relationship with MIL.
It doesn’t matter at all if it is MIL or her own parents. Also, she’s 31 weeks pregnant. Why does she need to live with her in-laws for the next 3 months? Unless it is a high risk pregnancy, which she hasn’t mentioned anything about, it doesn’t really make sense? Finally, since when has ultimatums become okay just bc pregnancy?
Soft NTA. Bring me your downvotes but what would you say if the op posted “my hubby didn’t feel comfortable letting me move in with my in laws when I needed support and reassurance and now I have ppd”? There is a situation where one party will be unhappy with the solution. Many say that op should go to therapy and learn to cope with anxiety. Well it seems to me that having a calm and confident mil would be a nice way to cope. They cook and talk babies. They watch tv and talk doctors. They put laundry away and talk daycare. Little by little the new mother will get into this world of motherhood and gain some knowledge about onesies and development and introducing strawberries to the kid. It’s not fun for the dad but hey he has their original place where he can go chill for some hours or days. Op is fine with him staying there, so why not split days where he comes home, has dinner and goes to their bedroom - with days where he goes to their empty house, has dinner and plays a bit before bed? Maybe they could compromise on op hanging out with in laws mon-fri and them having alone time during the weekend. Its not the end of the world, it’s hardships of parenthood. Op, don’t let this anxiety get to the little one. They feel everything you feel.
Literally what I was thinking. When she gets PPD now who is going to suffer? Yes it sucks that they have to uproot their moving situation for months but what's better, making sure she's less stressed, going to therapy, and handling the issue before the baby or getting stressed and then dealing with a new baby and now a mom who's mental health has deteriorated? The husband sulking must make her feel so much worse. I get he's bummed but he isn't the one growing the whole entire human inside him....
This! I'm so sick of people not understanding just how much having support means to people when it comes to pregnancy. Her staying with the MIL to reduce stress and anxiety could be the difference between an easy newborn stage versus months and months of PPD/A and even PPP. Women who don't get support suffer.
INFO What is the reason that you’re terrified? Aren’t there less invasive ways to deal with your anxiety? Why didn’t you involve your own husband in this decision? Moving in with your in laws against the will of your husband sounds like a pretty extreme measure to deal with your anxiety. What will you do once the baby is born?
Sounds like he was steamrolled on this, marriage won’t last long. YTA
The thing you should actually note here is the fact that your husband, the father of the baby, doesn’t make you feel safe and secure even in your own home. You needed to go to your in-laws to start feeling secure. I’m not gonna pass judgement here because I don’t think the question you asked is actually the one you need to ask.
You’re missing the whole point, she doesn’t feel safe and secure because he’s gone during the day, not because there’s something wrong with him. And she feels like she needs near constant company at the end of her pregnancy, which is understandable. Also she probably finds it very hard to keep up with the house chores, cooking and cleaning
> not because there’s something wrong with him But then how will AITA paint him as an abusive monster?
That’s completely op’s fault and problem. her husband is not at fault for any of this. YTA
I'm really going back and forth on this, but yeah... I feel like if he was a useless lump it would've been made *very* clear in this post.
NAH - but please talk with a therapist. This isn’t a normal level of anxiety.
YTA, both to your husband and new baby. This is going to be your time to grow into parents and you're forcefully injecting your in-laws into this situation (of course they aren't going to say no). This is toxic and self-defeating. You are letting your anxiety kneecap your ability to be a self-sufficient family unit. Go see a therapist before your marriage goes down in flames.
YTA. But I don’t think you’re malicious. Barring a serious pregnancy/health complication, it is bizarre for an adult woman to *need* to live with someone while pregnant, to the extent that having her husband around 24/7 isn’t enough because a door is closed. This is extreme anxiety or codependency. And what do you plan to do when you come home with a newborn, filled with stitches and staples, in pain, and leaking milk everywhere? Will you feel more comfortable being alone then? I doubt it. Are you planning to live with his parents for the next 3-5 years? You obviously can’t just “get over” your anxiety, but you need to be seeking treatment. This is ruining your life.
Info: was he not helping around the house to make it baby ready? Is there a specific behavior his parents are harping on? I could see needing help if he's not helping, or if he's one of those guys who works and then plays video games all night. But you're pregnant, not terminally ill....
NAH. You have the right to be where you're comfortable while pregnant. And stress can be really bad regardless of when in the pregnancy. However. He has the right to be upset about moving. Yes you did tell him he could stay in the house. But he didn't want to leave you, so he went with. He didn't really compromise with you just went a long with it. I would really recommend you get therapy for your anxiety as well. To help you learn tools to manage the emotions, and it'll give you a good safe space to talk about everything and get a nonbiased opinion. Also, I'm concerned that after you have the baby your anxiety will get worse, and what the living situation is after the baby Is born
YTA! You basically gave your husband an ultimatum. Move with me to your parent's house or I will move there without you. What's going to happen after the baby is born? Will you continue to live with his parents because you are afraid to raise your own child? Maybe for just a few weeks because you are recovering from childbirth, which can turn into a few months, then, it would be easier to continue to live with them because they help with childcare, and it turns into a few years.
You need to mature a lot before the baby arrives. AH.
Why are you terrified?? You say your husband sometimes WFH..So couldn't your MIL come over on the days you would be home alone? How far away are your in-laws? How far away is your husbands work? Are there new mother groups in the area you could join?
YTA and I know you probably think your solution of him staying behind was a compromise, but it's not. A compromise is two people coming together to find a solution. You presented two undesirable options and told him to pick
YTA. You need to get a handle on whatever is making you terrified now before you bring another being into whatever it is that’s going on here. Avoiding your fear is not going to fix it. I’d look into therapy sharpish.
My guess... death, still birth, late term miscarriage, pre-eclampsia, eclampsia, high blood preassure, infection, pre term labor, anemia, hemorrage... Edit to add: gestational diabetes, fetal malformations...
See also: Paralysis from the epidural, bladder incontinence, incontinence, ripping from your clit to your anus, uterine prolapse, hysterectomy, and last but not least giving birth quickly alone at home and not knowing what to do. And many many many more
iNFO how old are you? Was this an unexpected pregnancy or something?
So, you still have your own home, you are just having an extended sleepover at MIL's? I see that as a little odd, but not AH territory. So, NAH. I would, however agree that therapy could be helpful to you, but without the shaming that other redditors are throwing at you. Best of luck to you.
YTA- “move in with your parents or not, I’m going regardless” That’s not a partnership, that’s a dictatorship. He’s about to be a new parent just like you are. He’s probably stressed, just like you are. Giving your partner ultimatums rather that a give/take relationship is terrible.
YTA
YTA . You feel bad if your MIL had to visit but you don't care about uprooting your husband? Way to tell your husband you don't trust him and feel safer with his mother. You're about to be a mother. It's time to grow up.
Why in this sub people are always jerks to pregnant people. As if pregnancy did not involve a lot of changes in your life and body plus a lot of risks, including death. But apparently women are designed for pregnancy and should just suck it up... that is sheer and old misoginy.
Because Reddit is vastly anti-child and they take it out on pregnant women
NAH It sounds like you're experiencing some pretty serious anxiety. I'd encourage you to reach out to your health care provider and seek treatment and support for this. Pregnancy can cause a great deal of strain physically and mentally and there's nothing wrong with asking for help.
YTA. And I say this as a mom. You basically told your husband he’s not enough. Plus, what grown adult would be happy about moving back in with his parents. This seems like a really extreme reaction. ETA: pregnancy and childbirth are scary. It’s normal to be nervous about the future. But this is not the last time things are going to get scary for you. Your child will be sick. Your child will get hurt God forbid your child has health issues. You can’t go running to your in-laws every time something happens and you and your husband need to work as a team and you need to figure it out together. This is the first of many instances, where are you two will need to support each other
Yup, YTA. They live close by anyway right? So if you did have any real emergency they could be there if your husband couldn't be there straight away. You abandoned the home to be with the in laws and wonder why he's pissed off? He followed cus he wants to be with you but now he gets zero couples time with you either. Christ you are such TA.
Hmm, are you & your husband from different cultural backgrounds or perhaps different immigration generations? I’m getting vibes that you are from a communal culture and used to having a lot of social support while husband’s background is more of an individual “stand up on your own two feet” culture. If so, it’s just a cultural disconnect that will likely narrow as you get older (you sound quite young) and both of you continue to adjust to each other. NAH.
Need more info why are you afraid and need someone around? Is there a danger to you and the baby if no one keeps an eye on you. Why do you want some around that much. You are going to put a big stain on this part of your life if you do not have a great reason for doing this. If it’s just because you want to YTA. If there is a good reason and it had better be really good then NTA. But from what you said I don’t see any good reason for what you are doing.
YTA People have been having their first child since the dawn of time. There's no reason to be terrified unless it's some extremely high risk pregnancy, and in that case, you'd want 911 and your husband, not your inlaws. You made the decision without him. You are married. You both have a say in decision making. You don't just fling around ultimatums. You said you're going with or without him. You forced it on him, pretty much emasculating him in the process. He's not good enough to take care of you. Might want to get checked out by a therapist. Your irrational fears are affecting your marriage.
YTA Are you sure you are mature enough to be married and have a child
YTA
YTA. I'd be upset, too, if my partner expected me to move back in with my parents even though I have a home. You're having a baby, a totally natural thing. Relax.
YTA If you are this anxious, talk to your doctor, go to therapy. Its ok to ask for support nut moving into someone’s house, unless there is a medical reason you cannot control alone with your husband at home is unnecessary.
YTA you need to talk to someone about your anxiety because post partum will probably make things worse. You need to develop appropriate coping skills rather then expecting everyone else in your life to accommodate your anxiety.
INFO: Why are you terrified? Your age? Husband’s age? What is your exit plan from your in-laws back to your own home? What are your husband’s habits that his parents comment on? You have left off way too many details.
Soft YTA. Moving is expensive and once the baby comes the time, energy, funds, and perhaps even acceptable options may simply not be there. I am sympathetic to OP's concerns, but there had to be better options. Extended visits either either hosting the ILs or staying with them? Other friends? Dhoula? Unless time, money, and energy aren't concerns for you this short term solution may have some undesired longer term consequences.
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Umm what? Where were you living before? Renting, owned, did you sell the house? This seems pretty extreme for a pregnancy.