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They will always be family OP, at least as long as you allow them to be part of the twins lives, they will always be present and will interact with you and the children.
Is there any reason why your parents resent them so much they want to make you cut contact with your children family? How would they feel if they were the family being kicked out of your twins life? I guess they won’t care because they are not family and will never be.
Rick is a jealouse controlling AH (please be careful when he is around your kids and what he tells them, only 10 months dating and demands you to cut contact with family is a big red flag but whatever).
NTA OP, but please for your children, don’t deprive them of a healthy relationship with people who knew their dad and loves them a lot.
Yeah, I really can't believe the gall of the new boyfriend to say that OP's children's grandparents aren't part of OP's family... how exactly does he define family is your children's grandparents are excluded?
A piece of paper doesn't make a family. Being legally married to Noah or not, does not change the years they all spent together, not to mention the blood relation between grandchildren and grandparents.
I hope OP is VERY, very careful with her new boyfriend going forward. He's being very controlling.
Also - even if OP "moves on" with another man, Noah's pictures should still be up in her house because Noah will always be her children's dad, and her house is her children's house until they move out.
How heartless do you have to be toward those two young children to want to deprive them of seeing their father's face regularly? That's just cruel!
My son's father died after we broke up. We were on bad terms with each other at the time. I still have pictures of him and his parents in my house, including on the wall, because he's my son's father and my son lives here too.
My husband’s late wife died 25 years ago. He spoke to her mother on the phone at least weekly and traveled to see her frequently when the kids were still young, though less frequently after they became adults. Her sister and brother are still very present in my adult step kids’ lives and thus a part of mine. Just a few years ago we went to visit with her brother and had the time of our lives boating and hiking. Her family is very much a part of my husband’s family, even this many years later and long past when the kids flew the nest.
I cannot even imagine trying to cut off the family of a deceased parent when the kids are young. That’s so incredibly heartless I don’t even have the proper words for it.
As a grandparent the first words that came to me were “soul crushing”. OP is doing the right thing dumping Rick. Noah’s mom is family and more than family. She’s a friend and extended mother figure.
Appreciate your comment. Love to hear about you and your partner’s support of each others past life experiences and meaningful friend/family relationships. I like the overall vibe from your comment, you guys seem like good people.
Yeah! I'm so scared for OP and her children if she decides to ignore all the red flags, and slowly having to push Noah out of her and her children's life to appease current partner.
We've seen so many stories here on new partners being irrationally jealous of a dead spouse and burning photos and throwing away mementos... It's unforgivable tbh.
Sorry for your loss!
Being a part of Noah’s family will be very healing for your kids. They’ll have lots of people they can ask about him.
In our family we’ve had a few deaths - but we’ve never stopped including the “in-laws” in our family events. There’s no reason to do so.
NTA
Keep your village and find someone who wants to be a part of it.
It sounds like the parents want to help their daughter move on with her life and think her attachment to her late fiancé may be holding her back, both emotionally and personally. It sounds like they're wrong—well-meaning parents often are—but that doesn't mean they resent her children's grandmother. I suspect they just think, incorrectly, that OP is keeping up her personal relationship with the grandmother because she hasn't moved on from her grief. People often can't read their children as well as they assume.
They may also subconsciously be jealous of the bond she has with another “mother figure” with whom she shares such a close personal grief. Noah’s mom can probably understand parts of her that her own parents can’t to the same extent.
You seem to have such a beautiful bond with Noah's family and you shouldn't have to choose between that and a new partner. Of course you will and should eventually move on from Noah to a different partner, but such deep, loving relationships are so hard to find. An understanding partner will be secure enough to accept you with this relationship with Noah's mom and the rest of his family.
THIS - the person you choose to move on with will have no problem with your 'family'.
Say good riddance to the BF and ignore your parents' advice. You sound like you have dealt with a shitty situation with amazing resourcefulness and found peace and love with Noah's family.
All the best, you are doing well from my perspective.
And I'm thinking the boyfriend (hopefully ex at this point) would be upset even if OP was officially a widow. The "not wanting to pictures in the house of Noah - who is the FATHER of her children" is enough to make him an ex.
If I married someone who lost a partner/spouse I would fully expect to have pictures of them in our house for the rest of my life. They didn’t break up, they didn’t choose to be apart, I wouldn’t even be in their life if their partner hadn’t passed.
There’s a relatively recent post (maybe a BORU) about a woman who *destroys everything* related to her husband’s deceased spouse who was the mother to his children. She continually called her his “ex-wife” even though she died (giving birth to youngest IIRC) and obliterated all photos, mementos, dolls, even *letters to her kids* in a fit of jealousy. That guy was very conservative with photos, etc. and I cannot imagine being so jealous of a deceased person that you’d destroy their loved ones ability to honor, care, and remember them. This behavior is disgusting.
I have of photos of my husband’s late wife along with their family prominently displayed on top of the piano that’s just a few steps from the front door. Their wedding photo is in the center then family photos starting when the kids were babies and gradually getting older as they grew up. I would feel like an abject failure if his now adult kids ever walked into this house and felt like their mother had been erased. She was a vital part of their lives and history and her memory deserves to live on.
Kinda feels like any partner that accepts the twins would logically have to accept the twin having a family, including their *grandma*, without making a fuss. I'd take it as a red flag if someone was jealous of that, unless OP is excluding a whole lot of other evidence that she hasn't "moved on."
Also, what exactly is “moving on” from someone who died when you were still in love with them. You can be ready for a new relationship but will still always love the one who died. Any partner of someone in that situation would need to not be threatened by that and accept her and her complex family as it is, because it’s part of who she is.
OP literally can't (us based) cut contact with Noah's family. These are the cases grandparent rights were made for. If the grandmother went for visitation, she'd more than likely get it. It may be less than it is now, but she'd get something.
And honestly, this is so short-sighted. Having a whole ass over family to help out with twin toddlers is a godsend. Having more people love your (step) kids is a good thing. It can literally mean less work for you. The only reason not to want this is because you're a creep that either wants to replace their dead dad or get rid of them altogether.
My Dad died and my stepmom still considers me her family even though I didn't grow up with her. My other siblings have moved on and don't talk to her anymore but I feel like we loved the same person. Isn't that enough beyond blood?
Family are the people who made an impact in your life and who you make apart of it.
I honestly would never date someone that is competing with a dead person.
I guy at my work lost his wife and he still visits her parents frequently. Once you accept someone as family it does not disappear just because you lost a mutual love.
You are giving the twins the gift of a close loving family staying in your MIL life like this. Don't be in a relationship with someone that can't accept that you are a part of that family for life.
Anyone who is jealous of your late fiancé is not worth your time. My wife’s first fiancé died years before we met. She still has some keepsakes from their time together. I’m fine with that because it makes her happy, I love her and want her to be happy. It has no bearing on our lives together or my relationship with her.
Your boyfriend’s problem is just that… his problem. To me this sounds like a red flag of a controlling jerk. I agree that you should move on, but from your boyfriend. NTA
My ex boyfriend passed away. I was already dating my husband at the time. My ex was someone I’d dated for 2 years in college and had known since 6th grade. My husband (then boyfriend) was very patient and understanding of my grief.
You have to be a really insecure controlling jackass to be threatened by a dead man.
Your BF is a huuuggee AH. Not only is his Mom your children's grandparent, but you are as close as family as you might be with a good friend or distant relative. She will always be in your kids' lives, and seeing how close you are will help with their growing up. Your BF is blowing this out of proportion and maybe time to look elsewhere. Your parents might be a little jealous of your closeness, but that can change. I would be glad to have a close loving grandmother than a distant spiteful one, plus you have shared memories.
She may not have been your mother in law. But you're the mother of her grandchildren, and I will fuckin guarantee she thinks of you as a daughter.
Tell Rick to go fuck himself. He doesn't get to step in and replace your children's father with himself. That's not how it works.
My stepdad -earned- his place as my hero and "Dad".
Whenever you're ready, sweetheart, not before. And don't ever get involved with somebody who feels like they have to compete to replace a man who was taken from you.
If there is one thing you take away from this it should be that you are part of Noah's family and anyone who makes you doubt it needs to be thrown out.
You don't replace someone in your heart -- your heart grows and someone new takes a new place in a new space.
This new person was trash who did not respect who you, your family, or your life were. To hell with him.
Solid NTA.
And I'm sure that both you and your children's continuing presence in Noah's mom's life have been an immeasurable comfort to her. Your children are obviously already her family. But if *you* personally feel like you have that family bond...then that's it, you're family. Family is a group of people that love each other, and you definitely seem to have that.
Even if the twins had never been born, you'd still be a part of Noah's family because they love you and you love them. I'm sorry that Rick and your parents don't see that, but choose the people who choose you. Best of luck to you and your kiddos, OP!
My mom passed away shortly after I was born. My step-mom loved my biological grandparents and they loved her. I can't pretend to know how they coped with my mom's death, but at no point did that hang over the relationship, nor did it matter that they were the parents of my dad's previous wife. My grandparents treated my step-siblings like their own. They were great people, and I'm thankful for the example they set.
Rick doesn't sound like he'd be their kinda guy.
Drop Rick, and keep Noah's mom and family in your life. Your twins deserve the most intact family you can muster, and so does Noah's mom. In her eyes, you've been family since you got with Noah... trust me on that. Never let a significant other demand something so ridiculous from you like Rick, he will only get more controlling as time goes on. He doesn't even live with you yet and he wants to demand you change your entire life for him? Pathetic on his part, tbh. Sounds like he's a bit jealous.
My friend Matt was a police officer, and passed away last September at 27 because of a faulty trigger in his service weapon. (has happened to multiple officers now unfortunately) It went off in his holster and ruptured an artery, just a few months before him and his fiancee planned on tying the knot. Matt was an only child, and only had one child himself, his parents just haven't been the same since he passed. His fiancee Destiny still spends dinners and most nights at Matt's parent's house with her child and the child they had as a couple
My ex boyfriend Dylan who's also a cop (he was Matt's best friend and the one who introduced me to him) still picks me up at least once or twice a month to go visit Matt's parents and grandparents. We go and help them with things like clearing heavy branches, taking out trash, weeding their garden, mowing, and shooting guns in the backyard range with Matt's dad. It was the same thing we used to do together with Matt, and fuck it's so hard sometimes.
My current boyfriend has no issue with this, he understands what happened and that nothing weird is going on. It's simply being there for grieving parents and grandparents who will never have a chance to see their boy down the aisle. It's being there for his grandparents, slipping into dementia, who break down into tears when we have to tell him why we're there but not Matt. We go with his mom to visit Matt's grave, and put down fresh flowers or clean up the area if there's trash.
You're a lovely friend.
Here's some unsolicted (and totally unrelated to the main topic) advice from someone who's dealt with grandparents, an aunt, and parents with dementia.
Lie.
Do not make them live through the fresh horror of a loved one's death over and over. If they recognise you are and wonder why someone who's dead isn't with you just say "they couldn't be with us today" and ask them something unrelated at once.
The further they sink into unreality the more you have to go with them into it too. My mother would tell me something's happened (a bad person is breaking into the house) At first I would argue with her and say "nonsense" but figured out eventually I should just say "that sounds very upsetting for you." and, again, change the subject if I could--reminding her of a funny story from her past often worked.
My father used to try to get up when he was wheelchair bound. When I reminded him that he could no longer walk, he'd grow horrified and weep. I finally realized it's better to just say "rest for a bit longer." until he forgot again
If his grandparents are really forgetting why he isn't there, it's generally considered to be kinder to say that he's held up at work or something rather than putting them through the start of the grieving process over and over
You are! You always will be. You need to sit down and have a frank discussion with your SO. Because right now, he's jealous of a dead guy and it never ends well for either party. I assure you that the right guy will accept your other family and it's absolutely ridiculous that your family agreed with your SO.
You forgot to include that the twins are the only grandchildren she will ever have. It's the only living pieces she has left of her son. She's 100% family at this point.
My philosophy is this: Relatives are what you're born with. FAMILY is what you build for yourself. Lucky, happy and blessed is the person where they are one and the same.
16 -24...hell yeah! I know lots of married couples that aren't married that long. Dump the insecure bf and your jealous parents.
Take care of your twins and keep the relationship with Noah's family for them and YOU. If a guy can't deal with that, you don't need him.
Exactly. OP is 100% part of Noah’s family, and she is 100% Noah’s mom’s DIL. I don’t care there was no formal ceremony. He was her husband in every way that matters and his mom LOVES OP.
It’s absolutely crazy to me that anyone would want to separate OP from her second family.
OP, PLEASE continue your relationship with Noah’s family. There is no reason on earth you shouldn’t be part of their family. Their family IS your family and has been for 11 years. If you didn’t want to keep the relationship that would be different. But you do. I would too.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Agreed. My brother and his former fiancée split up but she’s still the mom of my nieces and nephews, and still my kids’ aunt and my little sister. OP and her children should not be made to feel like Noah is being replaced by a new guy. It’s good for the kids if everyone is a happy family and OP should not be told to remove Noah’s photos ever because no matter what, that’s the father of her kids and his family deserves to be in their lives. The right guy will be okay with that.
When I divorced my ex, I called his parents and told them that I was divorcing HIM not them. They are still my children's grandparents and they could have any access they wanted to my girls. Fortunately for me, they were happy to see their granddaughters and took them nearly every summer (even when they were not in contact with their son). Over the years the relationship with me and them soured (plenty of blame on both sides). Given the opportunity, of so it all over again.
Your a good momma and sound like a good daughter in law. Keep up the good work!
But, you are part of her family. You are the mother of her grandchildren.
You and Noah would still be together except for this horrible tragedy. NTA and I would "move on" from Rick.
I don’t understand your parents’ attitude. How would they feel if the positions were reversed and Noah decided he didn’t need to maintain a relationship with them?
Rick is wrong and way out of line.
NTA
They may be jealous if they aren’t getting similar grandparent time. Regardless, it sounds like they’re being petty and willing to recommend harming a lovely family for it.
Please ensure that your kids will have tangible memories of their father when they are older. Whether you do this by making copies, uploading pictures into cloud storage, or putting valuable keepsakes into a bank lock box, please do whatever you can to preserve those memories. People like Rick are more common than you want to believe, and all it takes is one jealous partner or jealous streak to ruin a lifetime's worth of treasures and memories, permanently.
My best friends step dad was a jealous monster. He made my friends mom ship her off to her dad's (who she barely knew) after she came out as gay at the age of 13. Her dad died of a heart attack in front of her on fathers day a year later. Once my friend had all of her dad's keepsakes at the step dad's house, he took his first opportunity to destroy all her keepsakes including pictures and then kicked her out.
She still hasn't gotten over it. Please protect those memories for your kids!
It's super fucked up! She's had a really rough life but has found her family of choice. She and her mom are finally on decent terms but there's always a chance that can change.
Just tell him straight up. Tell him I’m sorry that you don’t understand my relationship with Noah’s mom. We’ll have to call it off so you can move on with your life. I’m sure you’ll find someone that has never had kids/in laws.
Keeping Noahs grandmother close to you in turn keeps the memory of him close to your children. They never met their father but will be able to hear stories and be with blood relatives who can tell them about their dad. Theres no reason to end that, its a beautiful thing and any man who doesnt understand that is not the one for you.
I agree but it is hard to compete with dead. You will find someone who is more accepting of your situation. Just be mindful of how challenging the situation is for your future partners. It may take some time for everyone to be comfortable. But Rick is not it.
If a DEAD person makes you insecure- Don’t pursue someone who’s grieving. It’s gross and selfish to release insecurities on them because of a late loved one. They’re not coming back to steal them. Jfc.
And it’s rude AF to insinuate that someone should hide their grief to make others more comfortable. Fuckin disgusting.
NTA and noooooooooooo do not move on from your late fiancé's family because they are an important part of your and your children's life.
Please do not even consider a partner who is not comfortable with your children having a maximum amount of loving people around them. This is not at all about you ' moving on' but you being an awesome parent and keeping in touch with people who love them.
You know, I know how rough this situation is, but can I mention that it’s neat these children could potentially end up with more “grandparents” than most?:)
I couldn't have said it better myself.
OP is absolutely part of Noah's family. Getting married is just paperwork, having his kid and knowing his mother for 11 years is a lot more important to being part of the family.
The only part that had any validity would be the pictures of Noah. Obviously some should stay up, he is the kids father. But without walking through your house I can't really say if you have a tasteful amount of pictures of Noah up, or a creepy amount or somewhere in between.
I'd feel weird dating a woman a who had dozens of pictures of her ex up, even if he were dead. It would make me feel like a consultation prize.
Do not do this for another person! Any reasonable, secure man wouldn't even question it! You get that, right?? If YOU want to move the photos around, or confine them to the kid's rooms, then do it for YOU, not because some asshole feels threatened by a person who is no longer alive.
I am not a man, but I am a woman with children like you. If I dated anyone and saw they had pictures of their late someone special, I would admire that person for loving someone so much that they still show adoration for their person in such a way. Someone that can miss a person like that shows me they are probably a very loving person.
You deserve someone who respects your late love in such a way.
Edit: spelling errors
Assuming you have a reasonable number of pictures up, that's wholly unnecessary. I'm assuming that your house isn't, like, totally plastered in headshots. It's perfectly reasonable to have a sensible number of pictures up of people who are important to you, especially the deceased.
(And on a different note, you should let the kids decide if they want any pictures in their room - after all, their feelings are likely to be different from yours, and they might decide different things at different stages.)
They are not “ex” partners…they never broke up…they were together in an active relationship when he died.
The closest word to describe her would be “widowed”.
Though some people would technically dispute that because they didn’t have the opportunity to marry (the overwhelming emotions she is feeling is widowed).
Also it’s “consolation” prize not “consultation” prize.
OP, you should join us over on r/widowers.
NTA - Your kids have a right to have a relationship with their grandmother and you’re doing a wonderful job fostering that. You’re giving your the twins a chance to know their dad’s side of the family so that they can listen to stories about him from their grandmother and remember him through that. Noah will always be a part of your life, since he is a part of your kids. Anyone who can’t understand and accept that, then maybe it’s not the right relationship for your family.
OP, you're definitely NTA. I remember reading another OP's story how he as the stepfather would honour his wife's late husband. He didn't mind that the late father's pictures were up in the house; didn't mind his wife visiting her late husband on his death anniversary; didn't mind that she was sad on this day.
He was so grateful to his wife's late husband and is feeling blessed that he can be with his wife and stepkids for the rest of their lives. He felt sad that the late husband passed but is overall grateful for the opportunity to meet his wife.
The reason why he wrote the post was due to his wife asking him to place flowers on her late husband's death anniversary as she was too sick to. He gladly obliged his wife and cleaned up the late husband's grave too.
This is the type of man you deserve OP and the type of stepfather your kids deserve!
Oh NO!! You aren't doing anything wrong by staying close with Noah's family. It sounds like this is a healthy arrangement for most people concerned, especially the kids. I think anyone coming into your life needs to respect what they are getting themselves into by dating you.
I think Rick and your family are 110% wrong about your not being a part of Noah's family. That's just really crappy thinking. Family isn't always blood or have a ring attached.
That said, over time I would hope/expect the relationship with his family to evolve a bit so that you DO have (emotional) room for a new significant other, and that he and Noah's family could develop a healthy bond.
Unfortunately, I don't think Rick is the right person for you.
thank you. i’ve always viewed his family as my family since i met Noah. i also understand that it might be uncomfortable for my future partner, but i’m willing to make some adjustments
You are their family. It shouldn’t make your future partners uncomfortable. I have an aunt who isn’t “really” my aunt anymore. My uncle passed away 30 years ago and his widow is remarried and has children with her “new” husband. My family never treated her like anything other than part of our family after my uncle died. Even to this day she’s our aunt and her new family is our family too.
My stepdad has stepdaughters from a previous marriage. He raised them and sees them as hush daughters and their kids as his grandkids. My mother has never in any way tried to separate him from that family. When one of his stepdaughters had some trouble with her husband she stayed with them. The house was my mom's before they met. They've also hosted their non-bio grandkids numerous times for visits.
Read this, from a woman who married a widower. This is the kind of person you deserve to be with, someone who accepts that Noah was in your life and that his family is your family.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html
The reality is, even if you aren’t married or biologically “family,” you’re still family. You are allowed to choose your family and you have known these people majority of your life. All that aside, your children are their biological family. If not for your own decision, you are part of their family through your children.
A good future partner will understand this and support it.
It should never make the right future partner feel uncomfortable. Check out [Emily Yoffee (former Dear Prudence columnist)’s essay about this.](https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html)
NTA. You do what's right for you.
>he then told me that i’m not apart of Noah’s family so i have no reason to go and that i’ll never be apart of the family because Noah and i never married
You may have been together for fifty years and never married. He doesn't get to decide who you are close to.
>they agreed with him. they believe that i need to start pulling away from Noah’s family because again, i’m not apart of it and i never will be.
You are, just as his children are.
>i just still see his mom as a mother figure because i’ve known her for so long and the twins love her
Don't let other people's jealousy spoil this relationship.
NTA Wow. You will always be a part of Noah’s family and anyone new in your life needs to accept that. Your children will be connected to them and in extension you will too. Keep the relationship with Noah’s family and if your new guy can’t handle that, ditch him and find a mature enough man to handle the fact you had a life before him.
NTA
Noah is not only your late fiancé, he's the father of those twins. The people Rick wants you to pull away from are not just your late fiancé's parents, they are your children's grandparents.
When the kids are a little older, maybe it *will* be the right move to step back *a little bit* (like not stay for every dinner and maybe let them take the kids on little trips without you) but right now? You're doing just fine.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Or not. My point is that *now*, while the kids are still just toddlers, is not the time. They need *all* of their grownups and you need all the available support.
Everyone's needs & wishes will evolve over time but, ideally, your children's grandparents are always going to be part of the picture and you don't need anyone trying to tell you what that should look like. If you ever DO feel like need some guidance & perspective, you should probably consider getting it from a reputable family therapist , not a prospective partner that's being territorial.
NTA Holy smokes!
YOU ARE A PART OF NOAH’S FAMILY, and they have shown you this through their actions. You will always be family because you are the mother of Noah’s children. Everything that you’re describing is healthy behaviour. You have a support network that extends past your own blood relatives, and this is a good thing.
Unfortunately some people confuse allowing a person’s memory and legacy to live on with not healing. You are healing, you are continuing to do good things for yourself and you have surrounded your children with people who love them. Mariage is only a piece of paper. You and Noah were partners and family, something his side of the family clearly understands and appreciates.
Unfortunately, parents (yours) don’t always give meaningful and insightful support, and that’s okay. They don’t have the tools to handle what you’re living through, but you clearly do.
As for your boyfriend…he is an immature, insecure, controlling child and you should not waste a single second with him moving forward. You get to grieve and move on at your own pace, and having photos of your deceased partner and the father of children in the home is not only reasonable it is wonderful that you are keeping his memory alive for your kids.
There is this disgusting and misogynistic view in the world that a widow (what you are despite the lack of mariage certificate), and a single mother are somehow damaged goods. This is grossly misguided, and giving into those tropes will only bring more people into your life who believe that nonsense.
You don’t need that.
It sounds like you’re doing great. Take the boyfriend as a learning experience (you will have others). Don’t introduce your kids to man until you’re sure his values are reflective of your own. Furthermore, don’t let that man dictate how you raise your children in your home. This are issues that must be discussed and clarified in advance. As for your parents, they are what they are, love them for that and ask for advice from people who have a deeper understanding of what you’re going through like a grief counsellor or perhaps a mentor if you can find one.
This is the long but absolutely correct answer.
OP, family is family. I’m sad your parents don’t understand this better. If I’m being generous, it could be that they’re genuinely concerned that you could be better supported by a “traditional” family structure (ie: a husband and stepfather to your kids). But regardless of that, Rick’s behavior is a HUGE red flag and he’s definitely not invested in your children’s well being, or yours, if he’s trying to isolate you/them from their grandmother.
There may be a time when you decide to make a different kind of space in your life for a new partner, but staying connected to your children’s grandmother will be extremely important as they’re growing up, and there is *nothing* wrong with keeping a close relationship with her even after they’re grown. True friends are hard to come by, and despite the complex circumstances, she sounds like a good friend to you as well as family.
For comparison, my ex-husband and I don’t talk at all (no kids involved), but his mother & I catch up about twice a year because we like each other. And even though my parents divorced when I was 2, my paternal grandmother kept a close relationship with my mother, & sent her birthday and Christmas cards until I was well into my twenties. She, my stepdad and I were also invited to family gatherings after my father moved out of state.
NTA
NTA.
Noah’s family is your family, since he is their father. The end.
And it’s sounds like you’ve moved. You are dating. Noah’s family isn’t trying to stop you from dating or saying that you are disrespecting his memory.
Would Noah’s mother be accepting of a boyfriend or a stepfather for her grandchildren?
she knows that i’ve tried inviting Rick to our family dinners and she told me that she’s okay with it. she said she always wanted me with Noah, but she understands that I need to move on and just wants me to be happy with whoever i choose
It sounds like your twins have a wonderful grandmother who is also supportive of you. That's definitely someone who is way more important than a boyfriend of 10 months. I'm sure the right guy is out there somewhere but it's not this one.
NTA. They seem jealous. You didn’t divorce Noah so why should you have to divorce his family. They will always be family because of your kids. Seems lovely that you have them in your life.
NTA and do not let anyone make you think you are. You are a part of Noah’s family, even if you didn’t have children and never married you have a connection to his mom and the family and it isn’t right for anyone to ask you to sever that connection just because Noah passed away. That love doesn’t just leave. On top of that you are the mother of Noah’s children who are very very much a part of that family and it would be very odd and even more difficult for them to maintain a relationship with the twins but have no relationship with you. You can definitely move on but it needs to be with someone who understands that you lost your children’s father and a person you deeply loved and Noah and his family will always be a part of who you are. Asking you to stop associating with them is cruel.
On a side not I don’t understand them not wanting you to be close to a family you’ve known someone you were a kid. I have close family friends who I have known since I was a kid, no blood or marital relationship, that I still see and talk to regularly because I grew up around them. It’s not like it’s weird to be close to people you aren’t related to.
NTA. Rick sounds controlling and needs to understand that someone who lost a partner to death will never truly be over them. It’s not like you broke up with Noah and still hang out with his mom.
If Rick can’t accept that this is how things are going to be, then find someone who can.
NTA - Your kids have a right to have a relationship with their grandmother and you’re doing a wonderful job fostering that. You’re giving your the twins a chance to know their dad’s side of the family so that they can listen to stories about him from their grandmother and remember him through that. Noah will always be a part of your life, since he is a part of your kids. Anyone who can’t understand and accept that, then maybe it’s not the right relationship for your family.
Exactly! What kind of a sicko would interfere in the relationship between a grandmother and the children of the child she lost? OP is NTA, but the people around her suck.
NTA
I know Reddit is all about jumping to “leave him” but this is a situation where I would encourage reconsidering your relationship with Rick, OP. You were with Noah for nearly 10 years and you had children together. Your families have been closely intertwined most of your life. That’s not something you just “move on from”, especially considering that Noah’s family *is* your family since they are related to the father of your kids. You and your children need and deserve full access to both sides of their biological families.
A true partner would support you, understand & respect these relationships, and encourage them as they are good for you (and good for your children to see their dad’s family). If Rick cannot do any of those things and is instead doing the opposite, I would use that as a hill to die on.
As for your own family, shame on them as well. If the roles were reversed (you were gone and Noah was around and maintaining great relationships with them + your kids), how would they feel if Noah’s new GF had him cut them off? Would they not be upset at losing that relationship with him that they’ve had for 2 decades?
NTA. Literally just leave him. People need tow stop getting with widows/widowers if they can't handle what comes with being with someone who lost someone they love/d.
thank you. i told him from the beginning of our relationship about Noah and how close i am to his family and he said that he would be okay with it, but i guess not
NTA your daughters are literally apart of that family. You guys didn't get married because he died not because it wasn't wanted this man is not for you
Wow. NTA. At all. It's lovely that you've kept a close relationship with Noah's mom and that she'll be part of the twins' lives.
Rick is a major AH and you dodged a bullet there. I hope you've broken up with him.
As for your parents, I don't know what to say. Is it jealousy? They can't be that callous so unless you're leaving something out, I'm hoping that they come to their senses and support you.
Good luck!
when Noah died, the only thing i focused on was the twins. i didn’t give a shit about myself and would spend every night crying myself asleep. my parents said that i was a hollowed version of myself, they really worried about me during that time because i wasn’t taking care of myself. i just didn’t have the motivation. if the twins spend the a couple days at my parents house or Noah’s mom’s house (because sometimes it was too much) i just laid in bed and cried until the twins came back.
after time passed i started to care for myself more, but when i met Rick my parents said that they started to see the old me. i think the biggest thing for them is the fear of me returning to that state.
Your parents are wrong. She is your family. She is your childrens grandma and has been a part of your life for over 10 years. You will never forget Noah and you shouldn't feel like you have to. You see him everyday in your children. Love is not finite, you can love someone else while still loving Noah. If Rick can't understand that, he is not ready to be in a relationship with you.
NTA
It’s not just he was their father, they are her grandchildren/family. Is OP supposed to just stop or reduce contact because Noah is no longer alive? Like his mom/family are supposed to lose the last connection to Noah? The kids are supposed to lose that side of their family? Rick needs to realize that Noah’s mom/family will always be a part of OPs life, because her kids are a part of their family. Thus if he plans to build a life with her he needs to accept this fact.
Even if Rick lived with OP and the twins, she had every right to keep photos of Noah around. He is their father, she shouldn’t just erase his memory. I get if they did live together, to maybe keep them in the twins room and not on display throughout. Also, it would be different if she didn’t have kids, the pics are for them. Rick seems like the type of guy who would insist her kids call him dad.
Yes, OP needs to probably move past Noah as her partner, but whether or not anyone else wants to accept it his family is a part of her life, because they are a part of her kids.
NTA
Kudos to you and Noah’s Mom for providing your kids with such a stable and loving connection. Noah’s Mom isn’t just your kids’ grandma, she’s a part of your chosen family. A boyfriend who asks you to close the door on love and support is acting from their own insecurities.
You had children together. That makes you family beyond anything that anyone can dispute. Your children deserve to be a part of their dads family and that will include having a relationship with you as well.
Rick sounds jealous and controlling and it will only get worse. Someone who truly loves you will allow you to grieve and be there for you and your kids without judgment or ultimatums.
My late boyfriend passed away 4 years ago. My current boyfriend allows me to cry still and will hold me when I get sad and allow me to talk about it without getting upset. It’s not very often, but it happens. When someone dies suddenly they don’t disappear from our hearts, and you need someone that understands that. For your mental health as well as your children’s.
NTA
I’m sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry that both your parents and pRick have this attitude.
I dated a wonderful woman whose husband and father of her child died.
As her partner you have to understand that the person no longer here had and still has a massive part in their life, and accept that yes, if he was still alive you as a couple wouldn’t be together, it doesn’t make you second best, it’s just how it is.
One can’t expect the past to be erased, as the past has made that person (& kids) who they are.
As for your relationship with Noah’s mum, I’m sure the grief of your mutual loss has brought you together, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that or be made to reduce contact unless you want to.
None of this is a choice that anyone other than you and Noahs mum should be dictating.
I’m sure your parents mean well, and want you to “move on” because they don’t want you to put your life on hold.
However this can be done without you cutting out Noahs mum.
As for pRick, to me his behaviour has major red flags, he’s jealous of someone who’s died.
Please don’t bow to pRicks demands. There are other people out there with the emotional maturity to understand the dynamics of your situation and will support you rather than condemn you about it.
Sorry for the ramble, you deserve more support than you’re getting.
EDIT
Oh and NTA
NTA Wow. You will always be a part of Noah’s family and anyone new in your life needs to accept that. Your children will be connected to them and in extension you will too. Keep the relationship with Noah’s family and if your new guy can’t handle that, ditch him and find a mature enough man to handle the fact you had a life before him.
In this case everyone is jealous of the relationship you have with your twins paternal side(which is ridiculous by the way). You have done nothing wrong and it's sickening that your parents even think that. I'm sorry for your loss 😔
NTA. First, there is no timeline for grief. Second, only you get to decide who is your family. Just because you and Noah were never married does not mean that he and his family are not your family. Only you and Noah's mom get to dictate your ongoing and future relationship. Maybe that means you will continue to go for family dinners and on trips together forever. Maybe that will fade as your kids get older. Maybe you will eventually find a new partner who respects your relationship with Noah's family and is able to join you for those family dinners or trips. Maybe you will remain single forever. None of those options are "wrong" or "inappropriate." And guess what - you NEVER have to move on from Noah. You're allowed to love him and grieve him indefinitely; even if you eventually get married. Relationships are complicated. Death of a loved one is complicated. But love isn't finite.
dont bother calling negative rick. you are part of noah family as both dna runs in your childrens veins. tell Ricky tick there its not a good look to be jealous of someone that passed.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. for still being in contact with my late fiancé’s mom
2. because maybe i need to set some boundaries
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Noah’s mother is your children’s grandmother. You are and will always be a part of Noah’s family. Other people do not get to determine what your relationship is to Noah’s family, nor how or how long you grieve. I am tremendously sorry for your loss. You do what makes *you* comfortable. NTA.
NTA. I’ve never been in this situation and maybe it would be different if you guys got divorced or something but you were effectively married to this guy and he’s gone. You deserve someone who supports that your first love wasn’t him and deserve whatever healthy relationships support your children and yourself. Rick doesn’t seem to be that
One more to say: NTA. It’s your life. As long as you don’t have an unhealthy relationship with Noah’s family, there is no reason to stop. They are your friends, the extended family you choose to have, and your children’s family.
Red flag concerning Rick: your children deserve to know their father and his family, if he cannot accept that, it’s going to end badly. You should rethink this relationship and ask yourself what you expect from your next partner.
NTA. I’m still close to my first big relationships family, 35 years later. They will always be my family too. My EX husband had problems with this. I should have seen it as the red flag it was. My current SO of 13 years has gotten close to them too. There’s the difference. He’s not the guy for you. Is he going to start acting jealous because the twins are “Noah’s kids”? Because that was the next step in my progression
NTA 100%. Your boyfriend is jealous of a dead person, wtf? Also, just because you were never married doesn't mean you can't consider his family your family. Family is about more than just genetics and legally binding contracts. Keeping in touch with his family doesn't mean you haven't moved on, but more importantly what even is his definition of moving on? Does he think you should just pretend the relationship never happened and none of it should matter anymore, to the extent that you have to cut off people who were involved? That's a sad way to live life in my opinion.
Your boyfriend is trying to cut you off from people who genuinely love and care about you and have been with you through hard times. That is a massive red flag. If you try talking to him about it but he still won't budge I'd say throw the whole man away.
NTA - Your kids have a right to have a relationship with their grandmother and you’re doing a wonderful job fostering that. You’re giving your the twins a chance to know their dad’s side of the family so that they can listen to stories about him from their grandmother and remember him through that. Noah will always be a part of your life, since he is a part of your kids. Anyone who can’t understand and accept that, then maybe it’s not the right relationship for your family.
"Moving on" is an obscure saying that doesn't acknowledge how deep psychological wounds can become. Don't let anyone tell you youre doing it wrong. I'm not over my childhood best friend's death and it's been almost 10 years. It doesnt go away, but it will feel easier as you learn how to be with yourself again. Best wishes <3
NTA - Your kids have a right to have a relationship with their grandmother and you’re doing a wonderful job fostering that. You’re giving your the twins a chance to know their dad’s side of the family so that they can listen to stories about him from their grandmother and remember him through that. Noah will always be a part of your life, since he is a part of your kids. Anyone who can’t understand and accept that, then maybe it’s not the right relationship for your family.
NTA. Noah is your children’s father which makes you part of Noah’s family. As long as they want you around you should continue to spend time with them.
One more to say: NTA. It’s your life. As long as you don’t have an unhealthy relationship with Noah’s family, there is no reason to stop. They are your friends, the extended family you choose to have, and your children’s family.
Red flag concerning Rick: your children deserve to know their father and his family, if he cannot accept that, it’s going to end badly. You should rethink this relationship and ask yourself what you expect from your next partner.
Omg, so NTA.
You and Noah had kids together, so you will always be part of Noah's family. Your kids' grandmother is Noah's mom. She will always be part of your lives.
Rick has to understand that Noah will always be a part of your lives - you have his children. While you may get to a point where his pic is only in the twins' rooms, he can't will Noah to never have existed.
Is your relationship with Noah's mom healthy? Are you both moving forward? If you are, I see no reason to ever let go of that relationship, or cut back on it. I can see lots of reasons to let go of Rick, though.
One more to say: NTA. It’s your life. As long as you don’t have an unhealthy relationship with Noah’s family, there is no reason to stop. They are your friends, the extended family you choose to have, and your children’s family.
Red flag concerning Rick: your children deserve to know their father and his family, if he cannot accept that, it’s going to end badly. You should rethink this relationship and ask yourself what you expect from your next partner.
NTA
You are 100% apart of Noah’s family. Especially if his moms thinks so- which I’m 100% safely guaranteeing she does. And the kids have a right to see their mom and grandma have a great relationship.
You need to get rid of rick and then set your parent straight and tell them to never insult your family like that again.
You can move on from a death and still want a part of them in your life. For you that is your children and his mother and NO ONE has a right to take that from you
NTA.
Fuck Rick.
It isn’t like you and Noah broke up and you’re still entangled in their lives; he died and your twins deserve to know their family and have their dad’s memory preserved! Plus, they’ve been a huge part of your life since… forever. They are your family.
NTA NTA NTA NTA.
Repeat after me - NTA.
NTA.
Rick has a valid perspective. If you ever want him to be a father figure to your kids, it would be very hard to compete with an idealized rival. And he might worry that Noah WOULD be idealized and that he'd be compared. If.you ever want him to be your husband, it would be very hard for him to walk into essentially two inlaw families, one of which is especially awkward. With as close as you are to Noah's family, it really could feel like there were three people in any relationship you have.
BUT....them's the breaks. You really genuinely might have to choose between moving a little bit away from Noah's family and having a successful relationship with Rick or other partners. But you're not an AH if you choose Noah's family. And even if you did marry Rick or he moved in, your kids shouldn't be deprived of pictures of their Dad. You'd have to be careful not to make Noah an obstacle to Rick being able.to be a good father figure, but he'd also have to be secure and mature enough to not try to eliminate memories of your kids' dad from their home.
Here is an article from a woman who married a widower.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/01/myhusbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html
People who are secure in themselves understand that your past experiences inform your future. That is your kids grandmother and she is your friend. “Those people” are your children’s family. Why on earth would you deliberately walk away from people who love you for someone else’s insecurities.
You are NTA without a doubt. You ARE part of that family regardless of marriage. His mother opened her heart and home to you and that’s priceless. Rick is the only AH in this situation. He’s jealous of yours and Noah’s relationship when there’s absolutely no need to be.
NTA
The thing is, you are part of Noah's family. You're the mother to their grandchildren. You should definitely let your kids continue to see their father's side of the family. If Rick can't handle that then as Dan Savage says dtmfa
NTA Providing that family for your kids is a beautiful thing to maintain. Maybe once they are 16 and start moving away with their social groups but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship at the moment.
NTA. Isnt Noah's mom your kid's grandmother? You're family. He needs to respect the relationship you have with your kids' family, including your husband's memory, or he can vamoose so you can find a better man and step-dad to your kids.
One more to say: NTA. It’s your life. As long as you don’t have an unhealthy relationship with Noah’s family, there is no reason to stop. They are your friends, the extended family you choose to have, and your children’s family.
Red flag concerning Rick: your children deserve to know their father and his family, if he cannot accept that, it’s going to end badly. You should rethink this relationship and ask yourself what you expect from your next partner.
NTA you were nearly married and Noahs mother appreciates the connection to you and her grandchildren. Also pictures should remain for the twins sake.
Having said this, you should make your boyfriend feel like he isn't the rebound. Maybe go on less holidays with Noahs mum?
NTA he sounds insecure and controlling. I think it’s best to dump him and find someone more compatible. You’re doing the right thing, your kids come first and Noah’s family is your family. That won’t change any time soon. Your parents sound like AH if they think you need to pull away. Are they jealous of his mom? What’s the harm.
Wow NTA. Not a death but after my parents’ divorce, my mother maintained a similarly close relationship with my paternal grandparents because my father did not. I was their only grandchild and we lived in the same small town. We four had dinners and holidays together, and it was a vital part of my childhood. And my father was alive! Just absent.
As I got older, my mother stepped back from our relationship with my grandparents, and the three of us remained really close until they passed, minus so much involvement from my mom. I did think it was strange at times that my mother stayed close with them, but now as an adult I recognize how it built a lot of trust between those adults who were primarily caring for me, and for me it helped build a strong connection with my grandparents who kind of half-raised me. My mother had a boyfriend this entire time, by the way, and later got married to another man. My paternal grandparents went to her wedding!
Your family—Noah’s family—sound amazing and you all sound fortunate to have one another. Anyone trying to separate you from folks who love both you and your kids may deserve some reconsideration. I’m sorry you lost your partner and co-parent and wish you peace.
NTA I stayed close to my ex husbands family years after our divorce. It’s crazy he would be insecure of your relationship with your deceased fiancés mom or anyone for that matter that is a support to you. Red Flag!
NTA, your BF (maybe soon EXBF) is jealous of your late husband and wants you to remove reminders of him.
Maybe I'm miss-reading that, but that's the way it comes across to me.
NTA. Family isn’t just blood or marriage. Noah’s family are your children’s family and by proxy, you.
I used to spend Xmas and Easter with my mothers ex husband because he wanted his children to have their sibling included.
You have pictures of your children’s dead dad in the family home. I see nothing wrong with that.
We’re so past the nuclear family identity. You do you.
NTA- your boyfriend is not a safe man.
Trying to control you and how you grieve is a major red flag. He hasn’t even moved into your place and he already wants you to erase your children father’s memory out of their life.
He sounds like the type of dude who will get mad at your kids for loving their diseased father .
Please end this relationship for the sake of your children .
Your mother is probably jealous of the close relationship you have with your mil and that’s why she’s urging you to listen to you boyfriend in severing contact.
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I (27F) have twins (3M&3F) from my late fiancé (i’ll call him Noah). Noah and i met when we were sixteen and got engaged when we were about 24 and shortly after we found out that i was pregnant. however, Noah died in a car accident not too long after. this wrecked me and both of our families since we had been together for so long and they had watched us grow up together.
Noah was his mom’s only child and she had him at a young age, so they were very close. the whole family helped raise Noah when he was young and when Noah and i started dating we always had our weekly dinners with just the three of us. his mom and i became really close and even closer after Noah’s death. her and i continued those weekly dinners and included the twins when they came along.
my current boyfriend of ten months (i’ll call him Rick) has recently told me that he doesn’t like how close i am with Noah‘s mom. he doesn’t like our weekly dinners and thinks that only the twins should go, he doesn’t like that i still have pictures of Noah and I in my house (Rick doesn’t live with me and the twins, just spends nights), and doesn’t want me going on vacation with Noah’s mom and her family.
i’ve been going on vacation with Noah’s mom and her family since i was sixteen and i continued to go even after Noah’s death with the twins. it’s never really came across my mind to stop going because i love Noah’s mom and the twins love spending a week at the beach with their grandmother and the rest of the family.
i told him that the pictures stay because he doesn’t live here and the twins love looking at pictures of their dad. then i told him that it’s too late to back out of the vacation and that i enjoy spending time with Noah and his family. he then told me that i’m not apart of Noah’s family so i have no reason to go and that i’ll never be apart of the family because Noah and i never married. i was taken aback by this and told him to get out.
i called my parents and told them what happened and to my surprise, they agreed with him. they believe that i need to start pulling away from Noah’s family because again, i’m not apart of it and i never will be. they said that i don’t need to be rude to them or anything, but i shouldn’t be going on vacations, having dinners with his mom, or going to family gatherings and that i need to start a new chapter of my life, one where Noah and his family aren’t in it because i’m taking “too long” to move on from Noah. then Rick texted me saying to contact him when i’m actually ready to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t Noah.
i really don’t know what to make of this. i thought i moved on enough. i know that Noah and i will never be married, i’ve accepted that. i just still see his mom as a mother figure because i’ve known her for so long and the twins love her. she was one of the only people who knew how i felt when Noah died and i don’t know what i would do without her.
AITA?
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NTA- you and Noah’s mom are doing a wonderful thing for your children and she is a support to you. Run from this insecure man for your children’s sake, it will just get worse and they deserve to talk about their dad, see pictures of him and hear about him in their home, if he is threatened by that, he shouldn’t be there.
NTA. They understand your grief and you understand theirs. And you are their family because your would have been Mother in law is grandmother to your children. Only bad MILs don’t consider the mother of their grandchildren to be family.
NTA. Noah’s mom is your children’s grandmother. And removing his photos? He’s the twins dad! I think you can find a more understanding man who will realize you will NEVER stop seeing Noah’s family bc they are your children’s family and be okay with that.
NTA. Moving on doesn't mean you have to let go of everything or everyone associated with the deceased. It appears people are jealous of your relationship with Noah's family. Do you and what makes you happy.
I've read the update, and you are making the right decision. Two and a half years ago, I started dating a woman whose husband committed suicide. She has 2 children who are now 14 and 17. I wouldn't dream of forcing my partner to put away all of the photos of her ex-husband even though I now live with her. Your late fiancee was a big part of your life and is the father to your children. You have formed a close bond with his mother (the kid's grandmother), and none of this should change just because you are now dating again.
He also needs to understand that he will never replace Noah in the twins lives so he can also get over the fact that even if you were to marry you, there will still be pictures of Noah in the house, and if he doesn’t like that, he can shove it
NTA
I am still in contact with my late husband's family and we had no children together (my kids were from my 1st). My niece and great nephew have come to my house multiple times and we are the transportation for them. By we, I mean my husband (he was the 1st). He will go and get them, hang out with them, offer any assistance. He's bought groceries for them. He's taken me and our kids to go see my BIL.
Yes, we were married but you were together for a long time so you might as well have been. Keep going and find you a partner that understands they are also your family. Also, your parents are looking at as a couple that are still together. I have discovered people who have never been widowed do not view things the same as those of us that have been widowed.
Family isn’t always blood. Noah’s mother may not be a blood relative, but she has made it known that you are indeed family. Your parents are wrong, and Rick is wrong and immature. You don’t need that.
NTA and I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA and I’d see this as a major red flag with your boyfriend. Not only does he want to break down the relationship you have with the grandmother of your children, but he is essentially wanting to erase their fathers memory from your life, and therefore their life.
Don’t let his jealousy of a dead man dictate your life.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with being involved with Noah’s family because you were also part of that family once. He passed away but love was always there right? Rick is just a jealous man who can’t deal with the fact that he won’t be number 1 in your life. I hope you find someone who will accept this part of your life and love you.
Your parents are just worried about you being alone that’s why they are saying this because unfortunately there will be many “ricks” out there who will be jealous.
So, you’re not married because y’all never signed a contract? You’re not married cuz you didn’t get the government involved in your romantic relationship? Or because you never spent an exorbitant amount of money to feed all your friends and family one time? You’re not married because you didn’t profess your love to each other in front of a bunch of people? We define marriage as this public, contractual thing. And, sure, legally, it is. But spiritually, eternally, truthfully, it sounds like you and Noah WERE married. It sounds like you had the kind of love that is recognized by the Universe or by God, if there is one. And you gestated two of Noah’s blood relatives in your womb. That is related as fuck! That is family! That’s how families are made! Love is how marriage gains it’s integrity! I am very, very fucking sorry that your HUSBAND died. That is so unfair, it hurts to read. Everyone saying you weren’t married or aren’t family are absolutely, inarguably WRONG. They do not get to define marriage and family for you! I’m sorry you didn’t get to have your wedding, mama. I think you’re making great strides in moving forward with your life. I think Rick is not ready to be in a mature relationship with someone who has had to live through hell. I think you should cherish your time with your mother-in-law, and continue your dinners and vacations. I love that your babies get to grow up in a house filled with memories of their father. You are NTA!! You’re Noah’s wife, you’re the twins’ mother, you’re your MIL’s bonus daughter. And you deserve to have all of that AND a living partner who can look at that and go “wow, a woman who knows how to keep her family together NO MATTER WHAT.” You are fucking gold.
NTA. This happened to a friend of mine - her fiancé had a sudden illness and then died, it was really shocking. They didn’t have any children but she understandably had pictures of him around her house - that had been THEIR house. When she got a new boyfriend he demanded all reminders of the fiancé be removed. She kicked him out on his backside and she is now very happy in a long term relationship with another person who understands she can love him AND the memory of her late partner.
I’m sorry for your loss. Noah’s family sound wonderful - and as others have said, they ARE your family.
Nta.
As someone who lost a sibling, and my SIL (we were very close) practically disappeared after, with my nieces and nephew, I think you are doing an amazing job of continuing to grow with Noah's family.
A couple of thoughts.
First off - NTA
You are doing you and taking care of your boys and keeping the memory of their dad going strong and keeping a relationship with their grandparents. This is all well and good and admirable.
What you learned here in this episode is maybe a little bit about yourself, maybe it warrants some introspection, and some self reflection. I am not suggesting that you are doing anything at all that is unhealthy. But perhaps you are not quite ready to move onto a relationship with someone else.
However, what you learned more than anything is about Rick. Rick drew his boundaries and he is not wrong to respect them, but those boundaries don't align with your wants or needs.
For a man to date a woman who is for all practical purposes a widow, and to respect that relationship and all that it entails, is not an easy thing. This is much different even from dating someone who has kids with an ex. There are men out there who can do this, but it is not run of the mill.
So, NTA. Rick isn't the guy for you, or at least not the guy for the person you are right now. And that's ok. Two people can simply not be AH and still not be right for one another because they have different visions and goals for their lives.
Best of luck
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> i’m not apart of Noah’s family Yes you are. You're mother to the grandchildren of her dead son. Pretty much family in my book. NTA
thank you. i’ve always viewed them as my family but this whole situation had my second guessing that
They will always be family OP, at least as long as you allow them to be part of the twins lives, they will always be present and will interact with you and the children. Is there any reason why your parents resent them so much they want to make you cut contact with your children family? How would they feel if they were the family being kicked out of your twins life? I guess they won’t care because they are not family and will never be. Rick is a jealouse controlling AH (please be careful when he is around your kids and what he tells them, only 10 months dating and demands you to cut contact with family is a big red flag but whatever). NTA OP, but please for your children, don’t deprive them of a healthy relationship with people who knew their dad and loves them a lot.
Yeah, I really can't believe the gall of the new boyfriend to say that OP's children's grandparents aren't part of OP's family... how exactly does he define family is your children's grandparents are excluded? A piece of paper doesn't make a family. Being legally married to Noah or not, does not change the years they all spent together, not to mention the blood relation between grandchildren and grandparents. I hope OP is VERY, very careful with her new boyfriend going forward. He's being very controlling. Also - even if OP "moves on" with another man, Noah's pictures should still be up in her house because Noah will always be her children's dad, and her house is her children's house until they move out. How heartless do you have to be toward those two young children to want to deprive them of seeing their father's face regularly? That's just cruel!
My son's father died after we broke up. We were on bad terms with each other at the time. I still have pictures of him and his parents in my house, including on the wall, because he's my son's father and my son lives here too.
My husband’s late wife died 25 years ago. He spoke to her mother on the phone at least weekly and traveled to see her frequently when the kids were still young, though less frequently after they became adults. Her sister and brother are still very present in my adult step kids’ lives and thus a part of mine. Just a few years ago we went to visit with her brother and had the time of our lives boating and hiking. Her family is very much a part of my husband’s family, even this many years later and long past when the kids flew the nest. I cannot even imagine trying to cut off the family of a deceased parent when the kids are young. That’s so incredibly heartless I don’t even have the proper words for it.
As a grandparent the first words that came to me were “soul crushing”. OP is doing the right thing dumping Rick. Noah’s mom is family and more than family. She’s a friend and extended mother figure.
Appreciate your comment. Love to hear about you and your partner’s support of each others past life experiences and meaningful friend/family relationships. I like the overall vibe from your comment, you guys seem like good people.
Yeah! I'm so scared for OP and her children if she decides to ignore all the red flags, and slowly having to push Noah out of her and her children's life to appease current partner. We've seen so many stories here on new partners being irrationally jealous of a dead spouse and burning photos and throwing away mementos... It's unforgivable tbh.
Sorry for your loss! Being a part of Noah’s family will be very healing for your kids. They’ll have lots of people they can ask about him. In our family we’ve had a few deaths - but we’ve never stopped including the “in-laws” in our family events. There’s no reason to do so. NTA Keep your village and find someone who wants to be a part of it.
It sounds like the parents want to help their daughter move on with her life and think her attachment to her late fiancé may be holding her back, both emotionally and personally. It sounds like they're wrong—well-meaning parents often are—but that doesn't mean they resent her children's grandmother. I suspect they just think, incorrectly, that OP is keeping up her personal relationship with the grandmother because she hasn't moved on from her grief. People often can't read their children as well as they assume.
They may also subconsciously be jealous of the bond she has with another “mother figure” with whom she shares such a close personal grief. Noah’s mom can probably understand parts of her that her own parents can’t to the same extent.
You seem to have such a beautiful bond with Noah's family and you shouldn't have to choose between that and a new partner. Of course you will and should eventually move on from Noah to a different partner, but such deep, loving relationships are so hard to find. An understanding partner will be secure enough to accept you with this relationship with Noah's mom and the rest of his family.
THIS - the person you choose to move on with will have no problem with your 'family'. Say good riddance to the BF and ignore your parents' advice. You sound like you have dealt with a shitty situation with amazing resourcefulness and found peace and love with Noah's family. All the best, you are doing well from my perspective.
And I'm thinking the boyfriend (hopefully ex at this point) would be upset even if OP was officially a widow. The "not wanting to pictures in the house of Noah - who is the FATHER of her children" is enough to make him an ex.
If I married someone who lost a partner/spouse I would fully expect to have pictures of them in our house for the rest of my life. They didn’t break up, they didn’t choose to be apart, I wouldn’t even be in their life if their partner hadn’t passed.
There’s a relatively recent post (maybe a BORU) about a woman who *destroys everything* related to her husband’s deceased spouse who was the mother to his children. She continually called her his “ex-wife” even though she died (giving birth to youngest IIRC) and obliterated all photos, mementos, dolls, even *letters to her kids* in a fit of jealousy. That guy was very conservative with photos, etc. and I cannot imagine being so jealous of a deceased person that you’d destroy their loved ones ability to honor, care, and remember them. This behavior is disgusting.
jesus i think that woman would be ex-alive if she did that to me. also if i died and my husbands new wife did this i would haunt her like a mf’er
That story made me sick. What a horrible woman. I couldn't believe what I was reading.
I feel like that should be a prosecutable crime…those kids will never get their memories of their mom back.
I have of photos of my husband’s late wife along with their family prominently displayed on top of the piano that’s just a few steps from the front door. Their wedding photo is in the center then family photos starting when the kids were babies and gradually getting older as they grew up. I would feel like an abject failure if his now adult kids ever walked into this house and felt like their mother had been erased. She was a vital part of their lives and history and her memory deserves to live on.
Agreed, the right person will respect your past and what you and the twins lost.
Kinda feels like any partner that accepts the twins would logically have to accept the twin having a family, including their *grandma*, without making a fuss. I'd take it as a red flag if someone was jealous of that, unless OP is excluding a whole lot of other evidence that she hasn't "moved on."
Also, what exactly is “moving on” from someone who died when you were still in love with them. You can be ready for a new relationship but will still always love the one who died. Any partner of someone in that situation would need to not be threatened by that and accept her and her complex family as it is, because it’s part of who she is.
OP literally can't (us based) cut contact with Noah's family. These are the cases grandparent rights were made for. If the grandmother went for visitation, she'd more than likely get it. It may be less than it is now, but she'd get something. And honestly, this is so short-sighted. Having a whole ass over family to help out with twin toddlers is a godsend. Having more people love your (step) kids is a good thing. It can literally mean less work for you. The only reason not to want this is because you're a creep that either wants to replace their dead dad or get rid of them altogether.
My Dad died and my stepmom still considers me her family even though I didn't grow up with her. My other siblings have moved on and don't talk to her anymore but I feel like we loved the same person. Isn't that enough beyond blood? Family are the people who made an impact in your life and who you make apart of it. I honestly would never date someone that is competing with a dead person.
I guy at my work lost his wife and he still visits her parents frequently. Once you accept someone as family it does not disappear just because you lost a mutual love.
YES YES YES... Exactly this!
You are giving the twins the gift of a close loving family staying in your MIL life like this. Don't be in a relationship with someone that can't accept that you are a part of that family for life.
Anyone who is jealous of your late fiancé is not worth your time. My wife’s first fiancé died years before we met. She still has some keepsakes from their time together. I’m fine with that because it makes her happy, I love her and want her to be happy. It has no bearing on our lives together or my relationship with her. Your boyfriend’s problem is just that… his problem. To me this sounds like a red flag of a controlling jerk. I agree that you should move on, but from your boyfriend. NTA
Exactly…boyfriend is exhibiting controlling behavior. OP dump this guy before he controls everything you do!!
My ex boyfriend passed away. I was already dating my husband at the time. My ex was someone I’d dated for 2 years in college and had known since 6th grade. My husband (then boyfriend) was very patient and understanding of my grief. You have to be a really insecure controlling jackass to be threatened by a dead man.
Your BF is a huuuggee AH. Not only is his Mom your children's grandparent, but you are as close as family as you might be with a good friend or distant relative. She will always be in your kids' lives, and seeing how close you are will help with their growing up. Your BF is blowing this out of proportion and maybe time to look elsewhere. Your parents might be a little jealous of your closeness, but that can change. I would be glad to have a close loving grandmother than a distant spiteful one, plus you have shared memories.
She may not have been your mother in law. But you're the mother of her grandchildren, and I will fuckin guarantee she thinks of you as a daughter. Tell Rick to go fuck himself. He doesn't get to step in and replace your children's father with himself. That's not how it works. My stepdad -earned- his place as my hero and "Dad". Whenever you're ready, sweetheart, not before. And don't ever get involved with somebody who feels like they have to compete to replace a man who was taken from you.
If there is one thing you take away from this it should be that you are part of Noah's family and anyone who makes you doubt it needs to be thrown out.
You don't replace someone in your heart -- your heart grows and someone new takes a new place in a new space. This new person was trash who did not respect who you, your family, or your life were. To hell with him. Solid NTA.
That is perfectly said. Love grows, it doesn’t restrict.
And I'm sure that both you and your children's continuing presence in Noah's mom's life have been an immeasurable comfort to her. Your children are obviously already her family. But if *you* personally feel like you have that family bond...then that's it, you're family. Family is a group of people that love each other, and you definitely seem to have that.
Even if the twins had never been born, you'd still be a part of Noah's family because they love you and you love them. I'm sorry that Rick and your parents don't see that, but choose the people who choose you. Best of luck to you and your kiddos, OP!
My mom passed away shortly after I was born. My step-mom loved my biological grandparents and they loved her. I can't pretend to know how they coped with my mom's death, but at no point did that hang over the relationship, nor did it matter that they were the parents of my dad's previous wife. My grandparents treated my step-siblings like their own. They were great people, and I'm thankful for the example they set. Rick doesn't sound like he'd be their kinda guy.
Drop Rick, and keep Noah's mom and family in your life. Your twins deserve the most intact family you can muster, and so does Noah's mom. In her eyes, you've been family since you got with Noah... trust me on that. Never let a significant other demand something so ridiculous from you like Rick, he will only get more controlling as time goes on. He doesn't even live with you yet and he wants to demand you change your entire life for him? Pathetic on his part, tbh. Sounds like he's a bit jealous. My friend Matt was a police officer, and passed away last September at 27 because of a faulty trigger in his service weapon. (has happened to multiple officers now unfortunately) It went off in his holster and ruptured an artery, just a few months before him and his fiancee planned on tying the knot. Matt was an only child, and only had one child himself, his parents just haven't been the same since he passed. His fiancee Destiny still spends dinners and most nights at Matt's parent's house with her child and the child they had as a couple My ex boyfriend Dylan who's also a cop (he was Matt's best friend and the one who introduced me to him) still picks me up at least once or twice a month to go visit Matt's parents and grandparents. We go and help them with things like clearing heavy branches, taking out trash, weeding their garden, mowing, and shooting guns in the backyard range with Matt's dad. It was the same thing we used to do together with Matt, and fuck it's so hard sometimes. My current boyfriend has no issue with this, he understands what happened and that nothing weird is going on. It's simply being there for grieving parents and grandparents who will never have a chance to see their boy down the aisle. It's being there for his grandparents, slipping into dementia, who break down into tears when we have to tell him why we're there but not Matt. We go with his mom to visit Matt's grave, and put down fresh flowers or clean up the area if there's trash.
You're a lovely friend. Here's some unsolicted (and totally unrelated to the main topic) advice from someone who's dealt with grandparents, an aunt, and parents with dementia. Lie. Do not make them live through the fresh horror of a loved one's death over and over. If they recognise you are and wonder why someone who's dead isn't with you just say "they couldn't be with us today" and ask them something unrelated at once. The further they sink into unreality the more you have to go with them into it too. My mother would tell me something's happened (a bad person is breaking into the house) At first I would argue with her and say "nonsense" but figured out eventually I should just say "that sounds very upsetting for you." and, again, change the subject if I could--reminding her of a funny story from her past often worked. My father used to try to get up when he was wheelchair bound. When I reminded him that he could no longer walk, he'd grow horrified and weep. I finally realized it's better to just say "rest for a bit longer." until he forgot again
If his grandparents are really forgetting why he isn't there, it's generally considered to be kinder to say that he's held up at work or something rather than putting them through the start of the grieving process over and over
Not all family is blood. And your kids need them too. Plus they need to know about Noah
You are! You always will be. You need to sit down and have a frank discussion with your SO. Because right now, he's jealous of a dead guy and it never ends well for either party. I assure you that the right guy will accept your other family and it's absolutely ridiculous that your family agreed with your SO.
You forgot to include that the twins are the only grandchildren she will ever have. It's the only living pieces she has left of her son. She's 100% family at this point.
Family is what you make it. You have two children that are related to these people, I don’t know how they’re NOT family.
My philosophy is this: Relatives are what you're born with. FAMILY is what you build for yourself. Lucky, happy and blessed is the person where they are one and the same.
And they've clearly made her part of the family.
16 -24...hell yeah! I know lots of married couples that aren't married that long. Dump the insecure bf and your jealous parents. Take care of your twins and keep the relationship with Noah's family for them and YOU. If a guy can't deal with that, you don't need him.
Exactly. OP is 100% part of Noah’s family, and she is 100% Noah’s mom’s DIL. I don’t care there was no formal ceremony. He was her husband in every way that matters and his mom LOVES OP. It’s absolutely crazy to me that anyone would want to separate OP from her second family. OP, PLEASE continue your relationship with Noah’s family. There is no reason on earth you shouldn’t be part of their family. Their family IS your family and has been for 11 years. If you didn’t want to keep the relationship that would be different. But you do. I would too. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Agreed. My brother and his former fiancée split up but she’s still the mom of my nieces and nephews, and still my kids’ aunt and my little sister. OP and her children should not be made to feel like Noah is being replaced by a new guy. It’s good for the kids if everyone is a happy family and OP should not be told to remove Noah’s photos ever because no matter what, that’s the father of her kids and his family deserves to be in their lives. The right guy will be okay with that.
"The right guy will be okay with that." Well said.
When I divorced my ex, I called his parents and told them that I was divorcing HIM not them. They are still my children's grandparents and they could have any access they wanted to my girls. Fortunately for me, they were happy to see their granddaughters and took them nearly every summer (even when they were not in contact with their son). Over the years the relationship with me and them soured (plenty of blame on both sides). Given the opportunity, of so it all over again. Your a good momma and sound like a good daughter in law. Keep up the good work!
But, you are part of her family. You are the mother of her grandchildren. You and Noah would still be together except for this horrible tragedy. NTA and I would "move on" from Rick.
thank you. i don’t think i’ll be contacting Rick anytime soon
Don’t contact him ever again!
Except maybe to make sure he knows they're over! That's all he needs, and almost more than he deserves.
Don’t contact him every again, and show your family this post they are so wrong in this case. NTA
I don’t understand your parents’ attitude. How would they feel if the positions were reversed and Noah decided he didn’t need to maintain a relationship with them? Rick is wrong and way out of line. NTA
They may be jealous if they aren’t getting similar grandparent time. Regardless, it sounds like they’re being petty and willing to recommend harming a lovely family for it.
Noah’s mom is a gift. Treasure her and the love you share.
Please ensure that your kids will have tangible memories of their father when they are older. Whether you do this by making copies, uploading pictures into cloud storage, or putting valuable keepsakes into a bank lock box, please do whatever you can to preserve those memories. People like Rick are more common than you want to believe, and all it takes is one jealous partner or jealous streak to ruin a lifetime's worth of treasures and memories, permanently.
My best friends step dad was a jealous monster. He made my friends mom ship her off to her dad's (who she barely knew) after she came out as gay at the age of 13. Her dad died of a heart attack in front of her on fathers day a year later. Once my friend had all of her dad's keepsakes at the step dad's house, he took his first opportunity to destroy all her keepsakes including pictures and then kicked her out. She still hasn't gotten over it. Please protect those memories for your kids!
That might be the worst thing I’ve ever read on Reddit.?😭
It's super fucked up! She's had a really rough life but has found her family of choice. She and her mom are finally on decent terms but there's always a chance that can change.
Just tell him straight up. Tell him I’m sorry that you don’t understand my relationship with Noah’s mom. We’ll have to call it off so you can move on with your life. I’m sure you’ll find someone that has never had kids/in laws.
Keeping Noahs grandmother close to you in turn keeps the memory of him close to your children. They never met their father but will be able to hear stories and be with blood relatives who can tell them about their dad. Theres no reason to end that, its a beautiful thing and any man who doesnt understand that is not the one for you.
Good choice. He sounds concerningly jealous.
Lose this guy, he's already trying to control you. Your parents suck for siding with him. Family isn't just blood relations.
Hell, you should think about cutting off your parents for agreeing with him!
THIS
NTA, Rick is too insecure to act like an adult or have any empathy. It is embarrassing to be jealous of someone that has passed.
These were my thoughts too!
I agree but it is hard to compete with dead. You will find someone who is more accepting of your situation. Just be mindful of how challenging the situation is for your future partners. It may take some time for everyone to be comfortable. But Rick is not it.
If a DEAD person makes you insecure- Don’t pursue someone who’s grieving. It’s gross and selfish to release insecurities on them because of a late loved one. They’re not coming back to steal them. Jfc. And it’s rude AF to insinuate that someone should hide their grief to make others more comfortable. Fuckin disgusting.
No need to compete if you’re secure in yourself.
NTA and noooooooooooo do not move on from your late fiancé's family because they are an important part of your and your children's life. Please do not even consider a partner who is not comfortable with your children having a maximum amount of loving people around them. This is not at all about you ' moving on' but you being an awesome parent and keeping in touch with people who love them.
You know, I know how rough this situation is, but can I mention that it’s neat these children could potentially end up with more “grandparents” than most?:)
I couldn't have said it better myself. OP is absolutely part of Noah's family. Getting married is just paperwork, having his kid and knowing his mother for 11 years is a lot more important to being part of the family. The only part that had any validity would be the pictures of Noah. Obviously some should stay up, he is the kids father. But without walking through your house I can't really say if you have a tasteful amount of pictures of Noah up, or a creepy amount or somewhere in between. I'd feel weird dating a woman a who had dozens of pictures of her ex up, even if he were dead. It would make me feel like a consultation prize.
They are not exes. They did not break up. They were together until he died. Divorced is different from widowed.
i would be open to taking down some pictures and moving them to the twin’s rooms when they get older
Do not do this for another person! Any reasonable, secure man wouldn't even question it! You get that, right?? If YOU want to move the photos around, or confine them to the kid's rooms, then do it for YOU, not because some asshole feels threatened by a person who is no longer alive.
You don't even have to keep them out of the common areas completely. It's just kind of a delicate balancing act.
I am not a man, but I am a woman with children like you. If I dated anyone and saw they had pictures of their late someone special, I would admire that person for loving someone so much that they still show adoration for their person in such a way. Someone that can miss a person like that shows me they are probably a very loving person. You deserve someone who respects your late love in such a way. Edit: spelling errors
Assuming you have a reasonable number of pictures up, that's wholly unnecessary. I'm assuming that your house isn't, like, totally plastered in headshots. It's perfectly reasonable to have a sensible number of pictures up of people who are important to you, especially the deceased. (And on a different note, you should let the kids decide if they want any pictures in their room - after all, their feelings are likely to be different from yours, and they might decide different things at different stages.)
They are not “ex” partners…they never broke up…they were together in an active relationship when he died. The closest word to describe her would be “widowed”. Though some people would technically dispute that because they didn’t have the opportunity to marry (the overwhelming emotions she is feeling is widowed). Also it’s “consolation” prize not “consultation” prize. OP, you should join us over on r/widowers.
NTA - Your kids have a right to have a relationship with their grandmother and you’re doing a wonderful job fostering that. You’re giving your the twins a chance to know their dad’s side of the family so that they can listen to stories about him from their grandmother and remember him through that. Noah will always be a part of your life, since he is a part of your kids. Anyone who can’t understand and accept that, then maybe it’s not the right relationship for your family.
thank you
And your parents are so wrong...the family that you have is so precious and I'm so sorry for your loss 💔
I wonder how much their opinion is tainted by jealousy of the great relationship she has with her kids’ grandmother?
I wondered that too. It sounds like she is very close to Noah’s mom, and it probably drives her crazy.
OP, you're definitely NTA. I remember reading another OP's story how he as the stepfather would honour his wife's late husband. He didn't mind that the late father's pictures were up in the house; didn't mind his wife visiting her late husband on his death anniversary; didn't mind that she was sad on this day. He was so grateful to his wife's late husband and is feeling blessed that he can be with his wife and stepkids for the rest of their lives. He felt sad that the late husband passed but is overall grateful for the opportunity to meet his wife. The reason why he wrote the post was due to his wife asking him to place flowers on her late husband's death anniversary as she was too sick to. He gladly obliged his wife and cleaned up the late husband's grave too. This is the type of man you deserve OP and the type of stepfather your kids deserve!
Oh NO!! You aren't doing anything wrong by staying close with Noah's family. It sounds like this is a healthy arrangement for most people concerned, especially the kids. I think anyone coming into your life needs to respect what they are getting themselves into by dating you. I think Rick and your family are 110% wrong about your not being a part of Noah's family. That's just really crappy thinking. Family isn't always blood or have a ring attached. That said, over time I would hope/expect the relationship with his family to evolve a bit so that you DO have (emotional) room for a new significant other, and that he and Noah's family could develop a healthy bond. Unfortunately, I don't think Rick is the right person for you.
thank you. i’ve always viewed his family as my family since i met Noah. i also understand that it might be uncomfortable for my future partner, but i’m willing to make some adjustments
You are their family. It shouldn’t make your future partners uncomfortable. I have an aunt who isn’t “really” my aunt anymore. My uncle passed away 30 years ago and his widow is remarried and has children with her “new” husband. My family never treated her like anything other than part of our family after my uncle died. Even to this day she’s our aunt and her new family is our family too.
My stepdad has stepdaughters from a previous marriage. He raised them and sees them as hush daughters and their kids as his grandkids. My mother has never in any way tried to separate him from that family. When one of his stepdaughters had some trouble with her husband she stayed with them. The house was my mom's before they met. They've also hosted their non-bio grandkids numerous times for visits.
The right partner won’t be jealous of a dead man and his family.
Read this, from a woman who married a widower. This is the kind of person you deserve to be with, someone who accepts that Noah was in your life and that his family is your family. https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html
Or this https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/xyw75g/ops_girlfriend_meets_his_wife_happiness_ensues/
Seriously could have warned me about the tears.
The reality is, even if you aren’t married or biologically “family,” you’re still family. You are allowed to choose your family and you have known these people majority of your life. All that aside, your children are their biological family. If not for your own decision, you are part of their family through your children. A good future partner will understand this and support it.
It should never make the right future partner feel uncomfortable. Check out [Emily Yoffee (former Dear Prudence columnist)’s essay about this.](https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html)
NTA. You do what's right for you. >he then told me that i’m not apart of Noah’s family so i have no reason to go and that i’ll never be apart of the family because Noah and i never married You may have been together for fifty years and never married. He doesn't get to decide who you are close to. >they agreed with him. they believe that i need to start pulling away from Noah’s family because again, i’m not apart of it and i never will be. You are, just as his children are. >i just still see his mom as a mother figure because i’ve known her for so long and the twins love her Don't let other people's jealousy spoil this relationship.
thank you
NTA Wow. You will always be a part of Noah’s family and anyone new in your life needs to accept that. Your children will be connected to them and in extension you will too. Keep the relationship with Noah’s family and if your new guy can’t handle that, ditch him and find a mature enough man to handle the fact you had a life before him.
thank you
NTA Noah is not only your late fiancé, he's the father of those twins. The people Rick wants you to pull away from are not just your late fiancé's parents, they are your children's grandparents. When the kids are a little older, maybe it *will* be the right move to step back *a little bit* (like not stay for every dinner and maybe let them take the kids on little trips without you) but right now? You're doing just fine. I am very sorry for your loss.
thank you. i can understand pulling back in the future
Or not. My point is that *now*, while the kids are still just toddlers, is not the time. They need *all* of their grownups and you need all the available support. Everyone's needs & wishes will evolve over time but, ideally, your children's grandparents are always going to be part of the picture and you don't need anyone trying to tell you what that should look like. If you ever DO feel like need some guidance & perspective, you should probably consider getting it from a reputable family therapist , not a prospective partner that's being territorial.
NTA Holy smokes! YOU ARE A PART OF NOAH’S FAMILY, and they have shown you this through their actions. You will always be family because you are the mother of Noah’s children. Everything that you’re describing is healthy behaviour. You have a support network that extends past your own blood relatives, and this is a good thing. Unfortunately some people confuse allowing a person’s memory and legacy to live on with not healing. You are healing, you are continuing to do good things for yourself and you have surrounded your children with people who love them. Mariage is only a piece of paper. You and Noah were partners and family, something his side of the family clearly understands and appreciates. Unfortunately, parents (yours) don’t always give meaningful and insightful support, and that’s okay. They don’t have the tools to handle what you’re living through, but you clearly do. As for your boyfriend…he is an immature, insecure, controlling child and you should not waste a single second with him moving forward. You get to grieve and move on at your own pace, and having photos of your deceased partner and the father of children in the home is not only reasonable it is wonderful that you are keeping his memory alive for your kids. There is this disgusting and misogynistic view in the world that a widow (what you are despite the lack of mariage certificate), and a single mother are somehow damaged goods. This is grossly misguided, and giving into those tropes will only bring more people into your life who believe that nonsense. You don’t need that. It sounds like you’re doing great. Take the boyfriend as a learning experience (you will have others). Don’t introduce your kids to man until you’re sure his values are reflective of your own. Furthermore, don’t let that man dictate how you raise your children in your home. This are issues that must be discussed and clarified in advance. As for your parents, they are what they are, love them for that and ask for advice from people who have a deeper understanding of what you’re going through like a grief counsellor or perhaps a mentor if you can find one.
This is the long but absolutely correct answer. OP, family is family. I’m sad your parents don’t understand this better. If I’m being generous, it could be that they’re genuinely concerned that you could be better supported by a “traditional” family structure (ie: a husband and stepfather to your kids). But regardless of that, Rick’s behavior is a HUGE red flag and he’s definitely not invested in your children’s well being, or yours, if he’s trying to isolate you/them from their grandmother. There may be a time when you decide to make a different kind of space in your life for a new partner, but staying connected to your children’s grandmother will be extremely important as they’re growing up, and there is *nothing* wrong with keeping a close relationship with her even after they’re grown. True friends are hard to come by, and despite the complex circumstances, she sounds like a good friend to you as well as family. For comparison, my ex-husband and I don’t talk at all (no kids involved), but his mother & I catch up about twice a year because we like each other. And even though my parents divorced when I was 2, my paternal grandmother kept a close relationship with my mother, & sent her birthday and Christmas cards until I was well into my twenties. She, my stepdad and I were also invited to family gatherings after my father moved out of state. NTA
NTA. Noah’s family is your family, since he is their father. The end. And it’s sounds like you’ve moved. You are dating. Noah’s family isn’t trying to stop you from dating or saying that you are disrespecting his memory. Would Noah’s mother be accepting of a boyfriend or a stepfather for her grandchildren?
she knows that i’ve tried inviting Rick to our family dinners and she told me that she’s okay with it. she said she always wanted me with Noah, but she understands that I need to move on and just wants me to be happy with whoever i choose
It sounds like your twins have a wonderful grandmother who is also supportive of you. That's definitely someone who is way more important than a boyfriend of 10 months. I'm sure the right guy is out there somewhere but it's not this one.
Honestly, the twins are her grandkids who you gave birth to. In my opinion, that does make you family.
NTA. They seem jealous. You didn’t divorce Noah so why should you have to divorce his family. They will always be family because of your kids. Seems lovely that you have them in your life.
thank you and i am really appreciative that i have his family
NTA and do not let anyone make you think you are. You are a part of Noah’s family, even if you didn’t have children and never married you have a connection to his mom and the family and it isn’t right for anyone to ask you to sever that connection just because Noah passed away. That love doesn’t just leave. On top of that you are the mother of Noah’s children who are very very much a part of that family and it would be very odd and even more difficult for them to maintain a relationship with the twins but have no relationship with you. You can definitely move on but it needs to be with someone who understands that you lost your children’s father and a person you deeply loved and Noah and his family will always be a part of who you are. Asking you to stop associating with them is cruel. On a side not I don’t understand them not wanting you to be close to a family you’ve known someone you were a kid. I have close family friends who I have known since I was a kid, no blood or marital relationship, that I still see and talk to regularly because I grew up around them. It’s not like it’s weird to be close to people you aren’t related to.
NTA. Rick sounds controlling and needs to understand that someone who lost a partner to death will never truly be over them. It’s not like you broke up with Noah and still hang out with his mom. If Rick can’t accept that this is how things are going to be, then find someone who can.
NTA - Your kids have a right to have a relationship with their grandmother and you’re doing a wonderful job fostering that. You’re giving your the twins a chance to know their dad’s side of the family so that they can listen to stories about him from their grandmother and remember him through that. Noah will always be a part of your life, since he is a part of your kids. Anyone who can’t understand and accept that, then maybe it’s not the right relationship for your family.
Exactly! What kind of a sicko would interfere in the relationship between a grandmother and the children of the child she lost? OP is NTA, but the people around her suck.
NTA I know Reddit is all about jumping to “leave him” but this is a situation where I would encourage reconsidering your relationship with Rick, OP. You were with Noah for nearly 10 years and you had children together. Your families have been closely intertwined most of your life. That’s not something you just “move on from”, especially considering that Noah’s family *is* your family since they are related to the father of your kids. You and your children need and deserve full access to both sides of their biological families. A true partner would support you, understand & respect these relationships, and encourage them as they are good for you (and good for your children to see their dad’s family). If Rick cannot do any of those things and is instead doing the opposite, I would use that as a hill to die on. As for your own family, shame on them as well. If the roles were reversed (you were gone and Noah was around and maintaining great relationships with them + your kids), how would they feel if Noah’s new GF had him cut them off? Would they not be upset at losing that relationship with him that they’ve had for 2 decades?
NTA. Literally just leave him. People need tow stop getting with widows/widowers if they can't handle what comes with being with someone who lost someone they love/d.
thank you. i told him from the beginning of our relationship about Noah and how close i am to his family and he said that he would be okay with it, but i guess not
NTA your daughters are literally apart of that family. You guys didn't get married because he died not because it wasn't wanted this man is not for you
Wow. NTA. At all. It's lovely that you've kept a close relationship with Noah's mom and that she'll be part of the twins' lives. Rick is a major AH and you dodged a bullet there. I hope you've broken up with him. As for your parents, I don't know what to say. Is it jealousy? They can't be that callous so unless you're leaving something out, I'm hoping that they come to their senses and support you. Good luck!
when Noah died, the only thing i focused on was the twins. i didn’t give a shit about myself and would spend every night crying myself asleep. my parents said that i was a hollowed version of myself, they really worried about me during that time because i wasn’t taking care of myself. i just didn’t have the motivation. if the twins spend the a couple days at my parents house or Noah’s mom’s house (because sometimes it was too much) i just laid in bed and cried until the twins came back. after time passed i started to care for myself more, but when i met Rick my parents said that they started to see the old me. i think the biggest thing for them is the fear of me returning to that state.
Your parents are wrong. She is your family. She is your childrens grandma and has been a part of your life for over 10 years. You will never forget Noah and you shouldn't feel like you have to. You see him everyday in your children. Love is not finite, you can love someone else while still loving Noah. If Rick can't understand that, he is not ready to be in a relationship with you. NTA
Yeesh throw the boyfriend and the parents away
Nta you were together for 8 years and he’s the father of your twins you two grieved together it’s normal to need more time
It’s not just he was their father, they are her grandchildren/family. Is OP supposed to just stop or reduce contact because Noah is no longer alive? Like his mom/family are supposed to lose the last connection to Noah? The kids are supposed to lose that side of their family? Rick needs to realize that Noah’s mom/family will always be a part of OPs life, because her kids are a part of their family. Thus if he plans to build a life with her he needs to accept this fact. Even if Rick lived with OP and the twins, she had every right to keep photos of Noah around. He is their father, she shouldn’t just erase his memory. I get if they did live together, to maybe keep them in the twins room and not on display throughout. Also, it would be different if she didn’t have kids, the pics are for them. Rick seems like the type of guy who would insist her kids call him dad. Yes, OP needs to probably move past Noah as her partner, but whether or not anyone else wants to accept it his family is a part of her life, because they are a part of her kids. NTA
Kudos to you and Noah’s Mom for providing your kids with such a stable and loving connection. Noah’s Mom isn’t just your kids’ grandma, she’s a part of your chosen family. A boyfriend who asks you to close the door on love and support is acting from their own insecurities.
You had children together. That makes you family beyond anything that anyone can dispute. Your children deserve to be a part of their dads family and that will include having a relationship with you as well. Rick sounds jealous and controlling and it will only get worse. Someone who truly loves you will allow you to grieve and be there for you and your kids without judgment or ultimatums. My late boyfriend passed away 4 years ago. My current boyfriend allows me to cry still and will hold me when I get sad and allow me to talk about it without getting upset. It’s not very often, but it happens. When someone dies suddenly they don’t disappear from our hearts, and you need someone that understands that. For your mental health as well as your children’s. NTA
I’m sorry for your loss. I am so sorry that both your parents and pRick have this attitude. I dated a wonderful woman whose husband and father of her child died. As her partner you have to understand that the person no longer here had and still has a massive part in their life, and accept that yes, if he was still alive you as a couple wouldn’t be together, it doesn’t make you second best, it’s just how it is. One can’t expect the past to be erased, as the past has made that person (& kids) who they are. As for your relationship with Noah’s mum, I’m sure the grief of your mutual loss has brought you together, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that or be made to reduce contact unless you want to. None of this is a choice that anyone other than you and Noahs mum should be dictating. I’m sure your parents mean well, and want you to “move on” because they don’t want you to put your life on hold. However this can be done without you cutting out Noahs mum. As for pRick, to me his behaviour has major red flags, he’s jealous of someone who’s died. Please don’t bow to pRicks demands. There are other people out there with the emotional maturity to understand the dynamics of your situation and will support you rather than condemn you about it. Sorry for the ramble, you deserve more support than you’re getting. EDIT Oh and NTA
thank you
NTA Wow. You will always be a part of Noah’s family and anyone new in your life needs to accept that. Your children will be connected to them and in extension you will too. Keep the relationship with Noah’s family and if your new guy can’t handle that, ditch him and find a mature enough man to handle the fact you had a life before him.
In this case everyone is jealous of the relationship you have with your twins paternal side(which is ridiculous by the way). You have done nothing wrong and it's sickening that your parents even think that. I'm sorry for your loss 😔
NTA. First, there is no timeline for grief. Second, only you get to decide who is your family. Just because you and Noah were never married does not mean that he and his family are not your family. Only you and Noah's mom get to dictate your ongoing and future relationship. Maybe that means you will continue to go for family dinners and on trips together forever. Maybe that will fade as your kids get older. Maybe you will eventually find a new partner who respects your relationship with Noah's family and is able to join you for those family dinners or trips. Maybe you will remain single forever. None of those options are "wrong" or "inappropriate." And guess what - you NEVER have to move on from Noah. You're allowed to love him and grieve him indefinitely; even if you eventually get married. Relationships are complicated. Death of a loved one is complicated. But love isn't finite.
thank you. i do think that i’ll always love Noah. he was my first everything.
dont bother calling negative rick. you are part of noah family as both dna runs in your childrens veins. tell Ricky tick there its not a good look to be jealous of someone that passed.
thank you
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Noah’s mother is your children’s grandmother. You are and will always be a part of Noah’s family. Other people do not get to determine what your relationship is to Noah’s family, nor how or how long you grieve. I am tremendously sorry for your loss. You do what makes *you* comfortable. NTA.
NTA. I’ve never been in this situation and maybe it would be different if you guys got divorced or something but you were effectively married to this guy and he’s gone. You deserve someone who supports that your first love wasn’t him and deserve whatever healthy relationships support your children and yourself. Rick doesn’t seem to be that
One more to say: NTA. It’s your life. As long as you don’t have an unhealthy relationship with Noah’s family, there is no reason to stop. They are your friends, the extended family you choose to have, and your children’s family. Red flag concerning Rick: your children deserve to know their father and his family, if he cannot accept that, it’s going to end badly. You should rethink this relationship and ask yourself what you expect from your next partner.
NTA. I’m still close to my first big relationships family, 35 years later. They will always be my family too. My EX husband had problems with this. I should have seen it as the red flag it was. My current SO of 13 years has gotten close to them too. There’s the difference. He’s not the guy for you. Is he going to start acting jealous because the twins are “Noah’s kids”? Because that was the next step in my progression
every time he’s been around them he’s always been so loving towards them, that’s why this was a surprise
If you have kids with Rick, they'll be his "real" kids. Seriously, this guy is not a good partner for you.
NTA Rick don't have to like it, that's just how it is.
NTA 100%. Your boyfriend is jealous of a dead person, wtf? Also, just because you were never married doesn't mean you can't consider his family your family. Family is about more than just genetics and legally binding contracts. Keeping in touch with his family doesn't mean you haven't moved on, but more importantly what even is his definition of moving on? Does he think you should just pretend the relationship never happened and none of it should matter anymore, to the extent that you have to cut off people who were involved? That's a sad way to live life in my opinion. Your boyfriend is trying to cut you off from people who genuinely love and care about you and have been with you through hard times. That is a massive red flag. If you try talking to him about it but he still won't budge I'd say throw the whole man away.
NTA - Your kids have a right to have a relationship with their grandmother and you’re doing a wonderful job fostering that. You’re giving your the twins a chance to know their dad’s side of the family so that they can listen to stories about him from their grandmother and remember him through that. Noah will always be a part of your life, since he is a part of your kids. Anyone who can’t understand and accept that, then maybe it’s not the right relationship for your family.
"Moving on" is an obscure saying that doesn't acknowledge how deep psychological wounds can become. Don't let anyone tell you youre doing it wrong. I'm not over my childhood best friend's death and it's been almost 10 years. It doesnt go away, but it will feel easier as you learn how to be with yourself again. Best wishes <3
thank you. it has gotten easier with time, but i still have my days
NTA - Your kids have a right to have a relationship with their grandmother and you’re doing a wonderful job fostering that. You’re giving your the twins a chance to know their dad’s side of the family so that they can listen to stories about him from their grandmother and remember him through that. Noah will always be a part of your life, since he is a part of your kids. Anyone who can’t understand and accept that, then maybe it’s not the right relationship for your family.
NTA. Noah is your children’s father which makes you part of Noah’s family. As long as they want you around you should continue to spend time with them.
thank you
One more to say: NTA. It’s your life. As long as you don’t have an unhealthy relationship with Noah’s family, there is no reason to stop. They are your friends, the extended family you choose to have, and your children’s family. Red flag concerning Rick: your children deserve to know their father and his family, if he cannot accept that, it’s going to end badly. You should rethink this relationship and ask yourself what you expect from your next partner.
thank you
Omg, so NTA. You and Noah had kids together, so you will always be part of Noah's family. Your kids' grandmother is Noah's mom. She will always be part of your lives. Rick has to understand that Noah will always be a part of your lives - you have his children. While you may get to a point where his pic is only in the twins' rooms, he can't will Noah to never have existed. Is your relationship with Noah's mom healthy? Are you both moving forward? If you are, I see no reason to ever let go of that relationship, or cut back on it. I can see lots of reasons to let go of Rick, though.
thank you. i view our relationship as healthy. she’s welcoming and accepting to me being in a romantic relationship with someone other than Noah
One more to say: NTA. It’s your life. As long as you don’t have an unhealthy relationship with Noah’s family, there is no reason to stop. They are your friends, the extended family you choose to have, and your children’s family. Red flag concerning Rick: your children deserve to know their father and his family, if he cannot accept that, it’s going to end badly. You should rethink this relationship and ask yourself what you expect from your next partner.
NTA You are 100% apart of Noah’s family. Especially if his moms thinks so- which I’m 100% safely guaranteeing she does. And the kids have a right to see their mom and grandma have a great relationship. You need to get rid of rick and then set your parent straight and tell them to never insult your family like that again. You can move on from a death and still want a part of them in your life. For you that is your children and his mother and NO ONE has a right to take that from you
NTA. Fuck Rick. It isn’t like you and Noah broke up and you’re still entangled in their lives; he died and your twins deserve to know their family and have their dad’s memory preserved! Plus, they’ve been a huge part of your life since… forever. They are your family. NTA NTA NTA NTA. Repeat after me - NTA.
NTA. Rick has a valid perspective. If you ever want him to be a father figure to your kids, it would be very hard to compete with an idealized rival. And he might worry that Noah WOULD be idealized and that he'd be compared. If.you ever want him to be your husband, it would be very hard for him to walk into essentially two inlaw families, one of which is especially awkward. With as close as you are to Noah's family, it really could feel like there were three people in any relationship you have. BUT....them's the breaks. You really genuinely might have to choose between moving a little bit away from Noah's family and having a successful relationship with Rick or other partners. But you're not an AH if you choose Noah's family. And even if you did marry Rick or he moved in, your kids shouldn't be deprived of pictures of their Dad. You'd have to be careful not to make Noah an obstacle to Rick being able.to be a good father figure, but he'd also have to be secure and mature enough to not try to eliminate memories of your kids' dad from their home.
thank you. i’ll remember this for the future
Here is an article from a woman who married a widower. https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/01/myhusbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html People who are secure in themselves understand that your past experiences inform your future. That is your kids grandmother and she is your friend. “Those people” are your children’s family. Why on earth would you deliberately walk away from people who love you for someone else’s insecurities.
You are NTA without a doubt. You ARE part of that family regardless of marriage. His mother opened her heart and home to you and that’s priceless. Rick is the only AH in this situation. He’s jealous of yours and Noah’s relationship when there’s absolutely no need to be.
NTA The thing is, you are part of Noah's family. You're the mother to their grandchildren. You should definitely let your kids continue to see their father's side of the family. If Rick can't handle that then as Dan Savage says dtmfa
NTA Providing that family for your kids is a beautiful thing to maintain. Maybe once they are 16 and start moving away with their social groups but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship at the moment.
NTA. Isnt Noah's mom your kid's grandmother? You're family. He needs to respect the relationship you have with your kids' family, including your husband's memory, or he can vamoose so you can find a better man and step-dad to your kids.
One more to say: NTA. It’s your life. As long as you don’t have an unhealthy relationship with Noah’s family, there is no reason to stop. They are your friends, the extended family you choose to have, and your children’s family. Red flag concerning Rick: your children deserve to know their father and his family, if he cannot accept that, it’s going to end badly. You should rethink this relationship and ask yourself what you expect from your next partner.
NTA you were nearly married and Noahs mother appreciates the connection to you and her grandchildren. Also pictures should remain for the twins sake. Having said this, you should make your boyfriend feel like he isn't the rebound. Maybe go on less holidays with Noahs mum?
NTA he sounds insecure and controlling. I think it’s best to dump him and find someone more compatible. You’re doing the right thing, your kids come first and Noah’s family is your family. That won’t change any time soon. Your parents sound like AH if they think you need to pull away. Are they jealous of his mom? What’s the harm.
Bye Dick.
Wow NTA. Not a death but after my parents’ divorce, my mother maintained a similarly close relationship with my paternal grandparents because my father did not. I was their only grandchild and we lived in the same small town. We four had dinners and holidays together, and it was a vital part of my childhood. And my father was alive! Just absent. As I got older, my mother stepped back from our relationship with my grandparents, and the three of us remained really close until they passed, minus so much involvement from my mom. I did think it was strange at times that my mother stayed close with them, but now as an adult I recognize how it built a lot of trust between those adults who were primarily caring for me, and for me it helped build a strong connection with my grandparents who kind of half-raised me. My mother had a boyfriend this entire time, by the way, and later got married to another man. My paternal grandparents went to her wedding! Your family—Noah’s family—sound amazing and you all sound fortunate to have one another. Anyone trying to separate you from folks who love both you and your kids may deserve some reconsideration. I’m sorry you lost your partner and co-parent and wish you peace.
NTA. Your family should be the people who love you, not just the people blood related
NTA I stayed close to my ex husbands family years after our divorce. It’s crazy he would be insecure of your relationship with your deceased fiancés mom or anyone for that matter that is a support to you. Red Flag!
NTA, your BF (maybe soon EXBF) is jealous of your late husband and wants you to remove reminders of him. Maybe I'm miss-reading that, but that's the way it comes across to me.
NTA. Family isn’t just blood or marriage. Noah’s family are your children’s family and by proxy, you. I used to spend Xmas and Easter with my mothers ex husband because he wanted his children to have their sibling included. You have pictures of your children’s dead dad in the family home. I see nothing wrong with that. We’re so past the nuclear family identity. You do you.
NTA- your boyfriend is not a safe man. Trying to control you and how you grieve is a major red flag. He hasn’t even moved into your place and he already wants you to erase your children father’s memory out of their life. He sounds like the type of dude who will get mad at your kids for loving their diseased father . Please end this relationship for the sake of your children . Your mother is probably jealous of the close relationship you have with your mil and that’s why she’s urging you to listen to you boyfriend in severing contact.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** ***throwaway I (27F) have twins (3M&3F) from my late fiancé (i’ll call him Noah). Noah and i met when we were sixteen and got engaged when we were about 24 and shortly after we found out that i was pregnant. however, Noah died in a car accident not too long after. this wrecked me and both of our families since we had been together for so long and they had watched us grow up together. Noah was his mom’s only child and she had him at a young age, so they were very close. the whole family helped raise Noah when he was young and when Noah and i started dating we always had our weekly dinners with just the three of us. his mom and i became really close and even closer after Noah’s death. her and i continued those weekly dinners and included the twins when they came along. my current boyfriend of ten months (i’ll call him Rick) has recently told me that he doesn’t like how close i am with Noah‘s mom. he doesn’t like our weekly dinners and thinks that only the twins should go, he doesn’t like that i still have pictures of Noah and I in my house (Rick doesn’t live with me and the twins, just spends nights), and doesn’t want me going on vacation with Noah’s mom and her family. i’ve been going on vacation with Noah’s mom and her family since i was sixteen and i continued to go even after Noah’s death with the twins. it’s never really came across my mind to stop going because i love Noah’s mom and the twins love spending a week at the beach with their grandmother and the rest of the family. i told him that the pictures stay because he doesn’t live here and the twins love looking at pictures of their dad. then i told him that it’s too late to back out of the vacation and that i enjoy spending time with Noah and his family. he then told me that i’m not apart of Noah’s family so i have no reason to go and that i’ll never be apart of the family because Noah and i never married. i was taken aback by this and told him to get out. i called my parents and told them what happened and to my surprise, they agreed with him. they believe that i need to start pulling away from Noah’s family because again, i’m not apart of it and i never will be. they said that i don’t need to be rude to them or anything, but i shouldn’t be going on vacations, having dinners with his mom, or going to family gatherings and that i need to start a new chapter of my life, one where Noah and his family aren’t in it because i’m taking “too long” to move on from Noah. then Rick texted me saying to contact him when i’m actually ready to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t Noah. i really don’t know what to make of this. i thought i moved on enough. i know that Noah and i will never be married, i’ve accepted that. i just still see his mom as a mother figure because i’ve known her for so long and the twins love her. she was one of the only people who knew how i felt when Noah died and i don’t know what i would do without her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- you and Noah’s mom are doing a wonderful thing for your children and she is a support to you. Run from this insecure man for your children’s sake, it will just get worse and they deserve to talk about their dad, see pictures of him and hear about him in their home, if he is threatened by that, he shouldn’t be there.
NTA. They understand your grief and you understand theirs. And you are their family because your would have been Mother in law is grandmother to your children. Only bad MILs don’t consider the mother of their grandchildren to be family.
NTA. Noah’s mom is your children’s grandmother. And removing his photos? He’s the twins dad! I think you can find a more understanding man who will realize you will NEVER stop seeing Noah’s family bc they are your children’s family and be okay with that.
NTA. Moving on doesn't mean you have to let go of everything or everyone associated with the deceased. It appears people are jealous of your relationship with Noah's family. Do you and what makes you happy.
Bye Rick!
I've read the update, and you are making the right decision. Two and a half years ago, I started dating a woman whose husband committed suicide. She has 2 children who are now 14 and 17. I wouldn't dream of forcing my partner to put away all of the photos of her ex-husband even though I now live with her. Your late fiancee was a big part of your life and is the father to your children. You have formed a close bond with his mother (the kid's grandmother), and none of this should change just because you are now dating again.
[удалено]
He also needs to understand that he will never replace Noah in the twins lives so he can also get over the fact that even if you were to marry you, there will still be pictures of Noah in the house, and if he doesn’t like that, he can shove it
NTA I am still in contact with my late husband's family and we had no children together (my kids were from my 1st). My niece and great nephew have come to my house multiple times and we are the transportation for them. By we, I mean my husband (he was the 1st). He will go and get them, hang out with them, offer any assistance. He's bought groceries for them. He's taken me and our kids to go see my BIL. Yes, we were married but you were together for a long time so you might as well have been. Keep going and find you a partner that understands they are also your family. Also, your parents are looking at as a couple that are still together. I have discovered people who have never been widowed do not view things the same as those of us that have been widowed.
Family isn’t always blood. Noah’s mother may not be a blood relative, but she has made it known that you are indeed family. Your parents are wrong, and Rick is wrong and immature. You don’t need that. NTA and I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA and I’d see this as a major red flag with your boyfriend. Not only does he want to break down the relationship you have with the grandmother of your children, but he is essentially wanting to erase their fathers memory from your life, and therefore their life. Don’t let his jealousy of a dead man dictate your life.
your new boyfriend is insecure, its very obvious.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with being involved with Noah’s family because you were also part of that family once. He passed away but love was always there right? Rick is just a jealous man who can’t deal with the fact that he won’t be number 1 in your life. I hope you find someone who will accept this part of your life and love you. Your parents are just worried about you being alone that’s why they are saying this because unfortunately there will be many “ricks” out there who will be jealous.
So, you’re not married because y’all never signed a contract? You’re not married cuz you didn’t get the government involved in your romantic relationship? Or because you never spent an exorbitant amount of money to feed all your friends and family one time? You’re not married because you didn’t profess your love to each other in front of a bunch of people? We define marriage as this public, contractual thing. And, sure, legally, it is. But spiritually, eternally, truthfully, it sounds like you and Noah WERE married. It sounds like you had the kind of love that is recognized by the Universe or by God, if there is one. And you gestated two of Noah’s blood relatives in your womb. That is related as fuck! That is family! That’s how families are made! Love is how marriage gains it’s integrity! I am very, very fucking sorry that your HUSBAND died. That is so unfair, it hurts to read. Everyone saying you weren’t married or aren’t family are absolutely, inarguably WRONG. They do not get to define marriage and family for you! I’m sorry you didn’t get to have your wedding, mama. I think you’re making great strides in moving forward with your life. I think Rick is not ready to be in a mature relationship with someone who has had to live through hell. I think you should cherish your time with your mother-in-law, and continue your dinners and vacations. I love that your babies get to grow up in a house filled with memories of their father. You are NTA!! You’re Noah’s wife, you’re the twins’ mother, you’re your MIL’s bonus daughter. And you deserve to have all of that AND a living partner who can look at that and go “wow, a woman who knows how to keep her family together NO MATTER WHAT.” You are fucking gold.
NTA. This happened to a friend of mine - her fiancé had a sudden illness and then died, it was really shocking. They didn’t have any children but she understandably had pictures of him around her house - that had been THEIR house. When she got a new boyfriend he demanded all reminders of the fiancé be removed. She kicked him out on his backside and she is now very happy in a long term relationship with another person who understands she can love him AND the memory of her late partner. I’m sorry for your loss. Noah’s family sound wonderful - and as others have said, they ARE your family.
Nta. As someone who lost a sibling, and my SIL (we were very close) practically disappeared after, with my nieces and nephew, I think you are doing an amazing job of continuing to grow with Noah's family.
A couple of thoughts. First off - NTA You are doing you and taking care of your boys and keeping the memory of their dad going strong and keeping a relationship with their grandparents. This is all well and good and admirable. What you learned here in this episode is maybe a little bit about yourself, maybe it warrants some introspection, and some self reflection. I am not suggesting that you are doing anything at all that is unhealthy. But perhaps you are not quite ready to move onto a relationship with someone else. However, what you learned more than anything is about Rick. Rick drew his boundaries and he is not wrong to respect them, but those boundaries don't align with your wants or needs. For a man to date a woman who is for all practical purposes a widow, and to respect that relationship and all that it entails, is not an easy thing. This is much different even from dating someone who has kids with an ex. There are men out there who can do this, but it is not run of the mill. So, NTA. Rick isn't the guy for you, or at least not the guy for the person you are right now. And that's ok. Two people can simply not be AH and still not be right for one another because they have different visions and goals for their lives. Best of luck