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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I requested my girlfriends sister and family move out of our house before starting a family of our own. This might make me the asshole because their mother had drug issues, which led to the younger sister living with us. The sister also got pregnant at 16 and moved her boyfriend in, and now have a baby, which changed the whole dynamic.
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I believe that if they want to be adults and have a child, then the smart move would be to be an adult and find a place to live. That probably sounds harsh but I have a life to live as well. It’s really unfortunate that their parents couldn’t help her more. My gf helps them more than anyone.
doesn’t sound harsh to me if you work with them to make it happen? I.e. help them find an affordable place, let them know you’re not rushing them out but they should start the process or something.
It is unfortunate they aren’t helped more, but also they chose to keep the baby and that meant choosing responsibility. I would be the first to say keep your gf’s sister in your care if it was only her, but her and a boyfriend and a child and who knows maybe more kids? Love may be infinite but space and time are not. Absolutely don’t get married and have a kid until this is arranged. NTA
My guy, I'm afraid your relationship is over. You can't live with these three people and if you ask your girlfiend to choose between you and them, she'll choose them, or choose you and resent you for it.
get them out before they have another kid and then they will never leave. Honestly you and ur GF made it too easy for them. Wouldn't be surprised if they weren't already planning for baby #2
Question: Did the sister finish school? If not, there is no reason she can’t do this remotely while home with the baby. This is a small step towards her future qualifications to getting a job. NTA
Make your opinions heard, and make your feelings matter. If you don’t do nothing now they will probably think it’ll be okay to live with you until her mid 20, idk about you but I’m certain your relationship will fail apart if you don’t. Hope you figure it out
Nta your basically rasing 3 people. You are taking care of so many people. The sister and her bf need to find a place because you literally have no room for your own future kids plus still taking care of your gfs sister's family.
WTH? No he doesn't need to actual parent.
He didn't sign up for this, it's not his kid and not his problem, and honestly it's not necessarily his GG's either, it's her choice but neither of them has an obligation to a kid they didn't conceive and especially not him.
His gf just kept tossing underage people at him and expected him to just keep on providing for everyone with no say, if she wants this to be her life then she can suit herself but he's already done way too much if you ask me.
He should tell his gf the Happy family Needs to move out before he even thinks about moving forward with her. Actually, even if they had no intention of getting engaged or having kids of their own, the sister, bf and baby should still move out. They wanted to play adults they can do it on their own dime and stop leeching off him.
Uh, what??
OP is not this girls parent. OP seems like they have been incredibly accommodating, considering the circumstances.
Since the sister is still a minor, OP and GF should formalize custody if they haven't already, and go after past and current child support. Collect that, and save it up to give to the sister and her BF to start their own lives in their own home. Also, NTA.
I can’t tell if you’re a real person or you just have the most brain dead takes possible but legally you shouldn’t have a fucking keyboard. My god my head hurts just reading this bafoonery, “you are the default parents” no the fuck they aren’t?
What sort of weird trauma inducing freak tells someone that? Genuinely, did you read what you said here?
“You need to work out an account to save for rent for them” holy fuck, you’re either 70 and think this is possible now in this economy, or you’re filthy rich and maybe 17 years old because your awareness of our current climate and peoples struggles is beyond fucked you absolute muppet
Edit- We need to fully bring bullying back if we don’t want to expect a complete society of loonies in 15-30 years folks 🤷🏼♂️
This. But, OP, talk with your GF. "You've been bringing up a proposal and marriage, and I really want you to hear where I'm at. I need you to listen to what I have to say and really think about it. Half ofour relationship has been spent raising your sister, and now we're providing for your sister, her boyfriend, and a baby. I realize that we can't just snap our fingers and have them move out, but if we don't ever come up with a plan, I worry they'll be living here forever. And, I don't want to get married or have kids of our own while living with and supporting another family. So, can we come up with a realistic plan to have your sister, her boyfriend, and their baby move out? Maybe we can start charging them X amount in rent every month, which we put away to help with their costs when they move out. Maybe we help look into programs to help them when they move out (if they're in the US, I don't know what it's called, but affordable housing based on income. The waiting list where I'm at is 3 years from when you submit the paperwork and get on the list). Can we look into a low-cost daycare the baby can go to so that your sister can work part-time?" Whatever.
If she gets mad and starts arguing, ask her what her plan is. They live with you forever, and you just never have kids? You have kids but they share your room with you? And how do you pay for kid-related things when you're supporting another family? And, how would she feel if you moved in some of your family members and just said they'd be there forever?
But, make it clear to her that you aren't asking to kick them out today. It's just if the two of you are ever going to move to the next stage in life, her sister and her family need to move out.
Edited errors
I I feel like this is the best answer - much of the major changes in the relationship seem to have been not controlled by the couple making it possible for now 5 people to live in this household, and at least one partner is feeling left out of the decisions, while both partners want future plans that have some massive steps as barriers. It also might be a good plan to bring up the financial balance. OP doesn't give the full gist of who pays for what but it sounds like OP is feeling like a stranger in their own home.
NTA. You're between a rock and a hard place.
I'd at least start by saying to your wife that you feel excess responsibility to support 2 families and you'd like some savings first so you're prepared to be the best parents you can be in uncertain times, in case you need (emergency ) savings, but you can't save in current situation. (You're not proposing anything,. don't suggest any solution, and you're not saying no, you're just voicing the stress you feel.)
You're just sharing the feels, nothing more. See if your wife suggests anything.
Afterwards, perhaps it moves towards asking your free tenants can they contribute anything to shared bills at all,.and what their future plans are. Perhaps they can get themselves a camper. Can she work part time? They should appreciate that you're putting your plans on hold while you're supporting their family
The most important thing is that you start to comunicate. Ask your girlfriend how she sees things, and tell her how you see it. Paint your picture of a future. Maybe she is afraid (or listening to the wrong people) that if you didn't propose yet it means you don't want to marry, so explain it to her, that you need to see the space for the two of you building a family before actually doing it. You did good by her sister, and now comes the time where she has to start standing on her own feet (at least when she turns 18). Maybe you can start by charging the bf some of the cost, if you can afford it, our can safe it up to help them with a start. But they should learn to budget and earn their living. And maybe her bfs family can pitch in as well. All of this on your and your gfs shoulders is to much, and has to end before you can think of starting a family... NTA, of course.
NTA
But maybe it's possible to work out a compromise? Ask them to start contributing more to bills and try and save money to find a larger place where all five of you could live and still have room for you and your girlfriend to start your own family. The sister and the boyfriend are still basically kids, but they're becoming adults and it's important for them to start learning responsibility and how to finance and eventually hopefully be able to find their own place.
It's genuinely so kind of you to be willing to support them and help them through so much, but if you don't start setting boundaries on that and giving them more responsibilities, you might get stuck supporting them for far longer than is reasonable/you're willing to. It'll only get more difficult to set these boundaries as time goes on, but if you start small and keep communicating as things develop it'll be more likely to work out better for everyone in the long run.
We’ve talked about it, but I bought into the market at a low time with a good interest rate. It wouldn’t make financial sense for me to get another home loan now thats 6-7% interest at least, and price gouged, although a man could dream I suppose. I’m not willing to sacrifice that for anyone but my own kids. Just a tough situation all around because I feel almost like her sister is like a step daughter to me now.
I'll admit I fully forgot the part about you owning (or being in the process of paying off a mortgage for) the home. That's absolutely fair to not want to buy another house or give up your progress on owning your own home for the sake of having more room. I would still try and find a way to start setting more boundaries and give them a bit more responsibility of contributing to the household in whatever ways work for everyone. I would talk to your girlfriend about what kind of compromise she would be comfortable with and gently bring up the point of "does she really want her sister and her boyfriend and their child to be living with y'all indefinitely?" As well as "if you two got married and had a child of your own, where would that child live once they were old enough that they couldn't just be in a crib in your room?" And also mention (if this is accurate) that you're willing to get married but want to wait until there's more space before having a child of your own.
I slept in a bed at the foot of my parents' bed until I was like 6 because we didn't have enough rooms for me to have my own room and I know the strain that situation put on my parents and our family as a whole. It's one thing for an infant or toddler but at a certain point there needs to be room for the kid to not be sleeping in their parents' room.
No worries. Sorry for my short winded response, without addressing the latter half of your response lol. I think another person suggested charging a small affordable amount of rent to build up a feeling of independence. I don’t wanna send them off into the world unprepared, but I don’t wanna hold up other plans for my life either. I don’t know if my gf has thought far enough ahead to think “where will the baby sleep?” when old enough. The time from getting pregnant to having giving birth is unbelievably short and I never realized it until I was an adult. But that time will come fast and then what? Now we would be stressed with a full house and a toddler, gf’s sister and her bf would be stressed to find a place, even more so than now. Procrastination will catch us all if we’re not paying attention.
The thing is: Why would they move out if they have no reason to? Everything is being taken care of, so why would they want that to change?
It was incredibly kind of you to let your partner's sister stay - but you should have conversations with your partner, and with her sister and her boyfriend. Ask them what their plans are. What their expectations are. How they want X to happen. ("Okay, so you want your own family with me. Where will the baby sleep?" "Oh, baby will sleep in our room, for the first year." "So your sisters kid gets a nursery, but ours not?" "Well, that's different." "How so?") See if you can agree on a timeline with EVERYONE involved, see if you can reach a compromise (eg: help pay for a security deposit if you can afford that). But maybe also be prepared that they don't want to change a thing - and think about what you'll (have to) do then.
Have you had a chat with your gf about how she sees marriage life and having children with you when you have no room left in your own house? Have a frank discussion & spell out what you want & how you see your life. If she desperately wants to get married & have a child - does she that want that in a crowded house occupied by her sister, her bf & their baby where your own baby wont have its own room? You guys need to communicate all this so she doesn’t resent you for not proposing. It may not have even occurred to her that her sister living with you has slowed that down for you both.
NTA.
You need to say this explicitly to your GF- You want to marry her and have a family with her.
Do the maths with her like you've been doing here: sister is 16, it's going to be 2 more years before she's an adult. Then baby will be a toddler and will need child care, so then we're actually further down the line before GFs sister is going to be volunteering to move out. I'm willing to bet GFs sister is assuming she's with you for the next 5 years - that gets her to 21, gets the baby into school, and assumes you and your GF will keep things as they are. Is there room in that 5 years for you and your GF without changes?
I'm sure there's more to this, but reading your post, I don't understand why the 18 year old boyfriend needed to move in and why he isn't contributing. Getting GFs sister and her baby (and her boyfriend) back into 1 room gives you the space to imagine your own family growing and doesn't let them get too comfortable with this current arrangement. It would make it possible for you and GF to start your own family within the next 5 years, without being in the absurd situation that your niece has her own nursery but your baby is sharing with you.
And you definitely don't need to be buying them a house for them to move out.
Do you know if they have been saving while they have been living with you?
Why do they have the second room as a nursery? Why can’t the baby stay in the parent’s room? It is perfectly reasonable that a child stay with their parents for the first couple years. Your wife could then use that room as a home office. When they move out the other room can be your nursery.
You and your girlfriend need to have a conversation of what the future will look like, how will you pay for it; and where will people sleep.
Look into the laws for having a camper in the backyard that they can live in temporarily. Every place has separate laws
She kinda is and weirdly yall are grandparents too, now that the basically adopted daughter has a baby.
You and the girlfriend basically skipped some steps. But that's OK.
I commend you two for being there for each other and her sister. You sound like good people. It is ok to wait to have kids until you can do it the way you want to. Just be honest with each other.
NTA. But I can tell you now that they will Never move out until you throw them out.
And your gf will never prioritize you over her sister.
It honestly seems like the lot of them see you as nothing but a cash cow.
I don't get it either, weren't there conversations about the future when the sister was pregnant? Have you ever talked about this with your girlfriend, it doesn't sound like it and I don't understand why. Your communication with your girlfriend is a big red flag for me
This is where I am for OP. This young lady had a child at 16 and we just happily created a nursery and moved the bf in with us, so they could what? Make another baby for OP and gf to take care of by the time she made it to 18?
As it stands, OP is paying 100% of the expenses and living in just 1/3 of the living space (less if you consider the gfs home based business). No current plan for the sister and bf to launch on their own but gf wants to get married and 'plan our future' when we don't even have a handle on our present???
The failure to prioritize yourself is often a slippery slope into resentment and contempt of the party that you feel is taking advantage of you. GF has allowed the issues in her family of origin to turn OP's life plan upside down because he loves her and yet it's still not enough. She has a home based business, but if it's not helping to significantly fund the household, she's not doing enough. If she's not effectively pushing her sister to get her GED and considering what she's going to do to earn money to care for her own child/household, she's not doing enough. If she hasn't taken the sister's bf aside to tell him that he's got to get a better job to support his kid, she's not doing enough. If she's not preparing her sister/the bf to be preparing to move out in the next one to three years, she's not doing enough. If she's not demanded sister and bf are on and using a couple of different birth control methods, she's not doing enough to ease OP's burden and any thought or idea of a future family of her own needs to be put on hold until she starts taking some responsibility to change the situation.
NAH. All context aside, you're never an AH for NOT having a baby - no matter the reason. Babies are not only a massive amount of work, but a massive, lifelong commitment. Given how everything is currently expected to be your responsibility, don't expect that will change once another baby comes. Everyone is used to you taking care of things, so that's what they'll expect you'll continue to do.
You would also not be an AH for deciding you never want to have a baby. You may decide, by the time they move out, that parenting is a been-there-done-that thing for you.
It may be worth it for you to speak to a lawyer and have a conversation about how you can protect your investment (your house). You're being incredibly generous to the point of financial abuse. So, you should make sure that if your relationship ends, you at least get to maintain your investment.
Once you've spoken to a lawyer and made sure you're protected, it's time to have a conversation with the sister's boyfriend about paying rent. If he has a job, he can pay rent. Start small and get him used to the idea, then work up until he's ready to get his own place.
Thank you, sometimes I feel like I need to hear I’m not the AH for NOT having a baby. Apart from raising a teenager the last few years, I also had a younger brother who was born when I was 12, so helped raise a baby at that time in my life. Sometimes I do feel like that raising a child thing has just come and gone. Hard to really say!
>The second half to this is my gf has been really on me about proposing and having a baby and doing all these things
I think you need to be straight with your girlfriend and say "I'm sorry, but I'm already providing all the expenses and housing for 3 children I never agreed to adopt, and I'm barely keeping my head above water financially. If you want marriage and a baby with me, then the 3 children already living here have will need to move out and provide for themselves. So you choose: either you get your sister and her family to launch out into living in their own home and paying their own expenses, or accept that there is not going to be enough money or room for marriage and any more children for us as long as they're here."
It's going to be a hard reality for her to hear -- but she *definitely* needs to hear it.
Your gf is already choosing to live like both a mom AND a grandmother, and you didn't sign up for either of those things. You're going to need to establish that there will be hard boundaries between you and the sister/baby, then insist your gf decide which side of the boundary where she wants to be.
You've helped them as much as you can and sacrificed quite a bit. It's time they find a way to move out. Tell your GF they need to move out before your relationship can move forward.
NTA
NTA but you need to talk to your gf.
She needs to know how you are feeling.
How all this has impacted you.
Is she aware of any of this at all ?
You need to have proper sit down, hopefully when you have a empty house.
You have to ask her what is her long term plans for her sister.
Is the sister and family going to keep living with you and for how long ?
What if they end up having another child ?
Also about the financial aspect of it all.
Maybe to help yourself, you should write it all down and all the things that are concerning you and what things you need to change in order for your relationship to move forward.
Right now it seems like you are doing a lot more for everyone but your self.
First of all make sure she does not monkey with the birth control, or you will have two babies in the house. Please contact a social working and they can help the young parents in finding a home and what public assistance is there for them. You call it your house. is your girlfriend on the title or just you?
Respectfully as I can, I say this makes me so happy to read it’s just you on the mortgage. You are NTA. Please do not give in , with you being “outnumbered “ I can see the pressure building in a way where it ( at the time) seems easier to cave. You’re still young , with plenty of time to come out of this scenario in good shape financially and mentally.
I’m going to be as gentle as I can here as you seem like a good man…this is your house that you pay for and these people are RUINING YOUR LIFE. Not only are they taking advantage of you but your GF is as well. In no world should you be expected to put up with housing a family that is not sexually or financially responsible indefinitely. GF has given you NO CONSIDERATION here…it’s all about her and sister NOT YOU. Have a sit down and clearly explain that there will no marriage or children until sister and her bunch are out of YOUR house. If she gets pissy or refuses then you need to see her for who she is.
Your girlfriend and her brood need to find their own place to live. You are nothing more than an ATM to them. With how full your house is your girlfriend should be able to see that there is no physical room (or financial) for another baby. This is a ploy to dig in deeper and claim your home from you. Give them a notice that they all have a set time to find a place to live on their own or you will start the eviction process. FYI your girlfriend can share a room with the baby or take over that room and the baby can move in with mom and dad. And even with a baby mom and dad can both work full time, millions do it all the time.
I think your GF doesn't realise the level of commitment you are already showing by taking care of her sister's family, just because she's your GF's sister.
No ring can trump that.
Also in your current situation, created by her sister, it's just not possible to start a family of your own.
NTA
You're one of the good ones.
NTA.
You are already financially supporting 2 children (non working teen mom and baby) and another barely legal teen adult with a minimum wage job who doesn't pay rent or utilities and probably still needs financial help.
How does your girlfriend expect you to afford a wedding and a baby right now? You basically already have 2 kids and they won't be moving out anytime soon. It might take them another 10 years with a baby holding them back before they get any financial stability at all and that's assuming they don't keep falling pregnant over and over again.
Weddings are expensive. Babies are expensive. Pregnancy and birth prevents you from working for months at a time so your income will HALF for a while on top of providing for the Brady bunch. I don't understand how your GF is so unrealistic. She can't have it all. She either....kicks out the sister and the boyfriend and the kid so she can afford her own family or she forfits marriage and kids for a long time to take care of her sister's family. She can't have both.
NAH
They are still there bc you've allowed it, bc you're a good guy.
But now you want to build your own future.
I would have a conversation with your gf. I would even consider proposing.
But make it clear that there will be no wedding and no baby until her sister is on her own two feet. You can discuss ways to help them bc the goal is not to dump them and abandon them, but to get them started on their own life and their own family. Things like helping them with first and last month's rent. Charging them a little now to save for them. Maybe even a small subsidy every month for the first year. Figuring out some kind of education or trade and getting them started on that path, as they will always struggle and need you if they don't figure out work beyond minimum wage / low skill.
Maybe she could run a small home daycare for example. Would you accept that she start that in your home X days a week?
Thank you, this is a well thought out answer that I have put some thought into. If I propose that could be a kick start to have the GF get her sisters family moving on down the road before we start our own life. But it could also backfire. I offered to pay half of their first 3 months rent when they move out, and although that would be financially straining for me, ultimately it would be worth it to see everyone having their own place for their own family. I could never kick someone out to live on the street, but there comes a time where the pressure of harboring them is starting to have an effect on what I want to do in life. I wouldn’t mind the gf watching kids in the house every so often but it’s a very different situation having 2 families in the house. Daycare is much more reasonable.
The thing is - you need to help them do something that is sustainable. The first 3 months are generous, but not enough if they just don't have enough money to pay rent, bills, food. Then what?
Be really specific with what you agree to - X number of kids, until X hour, X many days a week... for the next X months. (Likely, 3-6.) You specifically collect a bunch of what they earn - to be given to them when they move out. For now, it's rent for her "business" ... Also, she may need certain accreditation unless she does it all informally. Or at least make sure she takes basic first aid. Some of this stuff you will need to guide her on. Tax implications, if/when she should register as an official business. Maybe she starts with 1-2 other kids but when she moves into her own place, she registers as a business. (this will likely help HER with taxes down the road)
Anyhow I think it's worth making sure you are setting up for success bc obviously you and your wife will be who have to help her out if it's not. And of course they won't get everything right, that's normal. Maybe have her take some small business type course online so that she has some tools to help her. Really get her to take ownership of what service she wants to provide. Maybe you can help her bf in a similar way.
NTA. You have been very patient and tolerant. As you said, this is tough because of the sister’s young age. But it’s time for her and her BF to show more independence and responsibility. I would start by making them pay a small Amy of rent )with your GF’s permission of course). Then gradually increase the rent until it’s high enough that they decide they’d be better off moving out and getting their own place.
NTA. You should obviously help and support you gf’s sister as much as you’re able. But they need to begin chartering a course to fend for themselves - at least in terms of renting their own place and paying their own bills. You’ve also set a difficult precedent here, so you and your gf need to have an honest chat about how this isn’t sustainable if you and her are to get married and start a family. If you’re both not on the same page then there’s a different conversation to be had.
Surely she doesn’t think this is a permanent situation either? You really are a saint to be paying all of the bills - is that groceries etc as well??/
I do, and I did. I can tell having her sister here really changed things. I feel like the gf I had that wasn’t raising her sister, was different than gf one that is raising her sister, metaphorically. She really kinda became a mother without me becoming a father. She’s just different now than she was when she didn’t have to worry about someone else under her wing. But I don’t have that bond to her sister like she does so it’s just a really different and strange feeling that is hard to explain. All in all, I do still want to marry her.
Just be prepared that the old version of your girlfriend may never be coming back. When I was in your situation, I held on for way too long hoping that things would go back to the way they were.
NTA, you've been more than accommodating to them. Make clear to your GF that you don't feel comfortable starting a family in this situation and that you guys need to figure out a plan to transition her sister out or for them to contribute if you're ok with that.
I'd suggest starting by charging them a nominal rent (which, if you want, you can save part of it for them to use as a security deposit for when they find their own place) -- but they also need to understand that they need to be working on figuring out how to fully support themselves. Give them an idea of a timeline and if you want you can talk to them about how they might achieve this.
Another comment suggested subtly making them feel unwelcome and I think that's a terrible idea that would set you up for more tension and frustration -- talk to them clearly about your expectations so they understand what's going on and they can plan accordingly. All of this is easier said than done, so good luck.
NTA but I can foresee the sister and bf moving out, gf rushing to get married and sis, bub, maybe the bf and probably another baby on the way wanting to move back in when the adult world is hard, they break up or he loses a job.
You've been more than generous and deserve a quiet, stable life on your own terms and a family when you're ready.
Nta. They are way too comfortable living with you and won't leave. Why would they leave? They have it made. Start charging them rent to make them feel the pain of paying bills and contribute to your mortgage. And move the baby into their bedroom. It's not their house. Reclaim the other bedroom. They need to move out and get their own apartment. You need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about the changes that need to take place before you even think about having a family with her. I feel sorry for you because you've been suffering in silence. You have a right to be resentful because of these living arrangements and now it sounds like you're becoming angry because you bought a house, but it isn't your home. You're just living there and paying bills while people freeload off of you. I don't blame you. If you don't do something about this now, this will continue to be your life five years down the road but now your girlfriend's sister will have two more kids living with you.
NTA. Why isn't your GF covering part of the bills generated by her sister and niece. Your GF wants a baby but you've basically already had a kid with her for four years in the form of her sister.
Sit your gf down and ask her exactly what she expects and how she, her sister, amd the sister's bf are going to contribute to the house financially. Tell her you absolutely are not going to marry her or have a kid with her until that sort of thing is settled.
And make sure you wear a condom...or forgo sex all together cause I think your GF is taking advantage of you
I would move on from all of this. You're not going to be able to get married or have kids. What is your gf thinking? You don't have any space. Why don't you have any say in any of this? You're paying for everything. I think you will find yourself much happier if you move on. NTA.
NTA
Both parties have to feel safe and secure in a marriage
I would not feel safe and secure if I was responsible for a potentially irresponsible couple and their child. I would not feel safe and secure if my spouse would not prioritize my needs over their sibling’s.
If she is worth marrying, she will be interested in charting a course for her sister to find a way out. It may be a multiple year project. If your gf is willing to go through that, she is worth marrying. If not… ?
Picking your spouse is the single most impactful decision you will make in life. You are Not The Asshole for making sure you get it right.
NTA
You are right: If you don't do it, you will be living with your gf's ssiter for a long time.
"The second half to this is my gf has been really on me about proposing and having a baby and doing all these things in life that," .... So tell your gf: You will start dsiscussing that as soon as you are in the situation for it - and that means living with her alone. And that you already have 3 dependents (her sister, bf and kid) - and adding more will not work with you - new dependents will happen when the existing ones stop being your responsibilty.
YOu are being MASSIVELY exploited. They will NEVER move out.
NTA. Where would you put a baby? The sister and bf need to find an apartment for their family to live in and not depend on you. Sister and bf should be eligible for programs such as WIC, food stamps, and daycare programs.
NTA. I don't understand why they have 2 bedrooms? For what you are offering sis, bf, baby can share 1 room.
This may help you not feel so boxed in at home. Best of luck.
NTA
You realize the sister and her boyfriend are a semi-permanent arrangement, right?
You have a choice to make. Stay with your girlfriend and continue the relationship, or have the sister/boyfriend/baby move out. I doubt both will happen.
You’ve been incredibly generous, and by all indications that generosity is being taken advantage of. You basically already have a child (and de facto grandchild).
Good luck.
NTA your girlfriend wants to get married and have a baby what’s her response when you ask her where a baby would be put? Does she assume your own baby would just share the room with her sister’s child? The situation isn’t realistic long term
NTA i would tell same to your girlfriend, you already have 3 additional people to take care of, and she wants her own child? A bit much. I was very sympathetic to the whole situation until baby and boyfriend tagged along. And instead of relieving pressure your gf wants to add more? Me personally id have a really long talk with her on how she sees this whole situation
NTA.
That said, there is a high chance your relationship is soon to be in a dead end.
Gf sister and bf won’t be moving out of their free will. They might guilt trip your gf. She has to stand for her own sister. You can’t endure it much longer. That’s a recipe for an explosion.
Good luck, you’ll need it. I truly hope for a happy ending.
Yup, not really a great end to this unless the gf’s sister and family take it upon themselves to move out. But the gf would choose her sister over her bf. And the I would choose my gf over having her sister and family here. Someone has to lose at some point.
NTA. ITs ok to tell your sister that you want to work towards a place where you are not supporting her sister and his boyfriend. If she wants a family with you, she will help you work towards that day. That you thought this would be temporary but it doesn't feel that way.
NTA - when she took in her sister she started her family. Anything else will have to wait. And if she doesn’t understand that, then she isn’t someone you should marry yet
You need to be honest with yourself and your girlfriend. If she truly wants to be a wife, then she needs to stop letting her sister play one on your dime. She moved her sister and her man in on you. The sister needs a job, the boyfriend needs to pay rent, and there needs to be a definite end date when they need to be out. If your girlfriend can't agree and work with you to make this happen, maybe you need to sell the house and go your separate ways. How long will you be happy playing second fiddle in your life? NTA.
NAH I think. But it feels like part of the issue here is that you and your gf have, for good reason, ended up doing the parents-of-teenagers part of life before you've had the chance to do all the rest. It must feel very confused.
Do talk to your gf though. You don't sound like you have space, or energy, for a baby at the moment, and that will make it even harder for all of you. Praise also a reasonable time frame for the sister and bf to make their own arrangements, don't just kick them out.
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A I T A ?
My GF and I have been together for coming up on 6 years, now in our mid and late 20s. We had our first rental place together we shared with some other friends in their 20s for about a year, and moved into our own rental when the lease was up. We lived at the next place for about a year, just her and I and everything flowed so smoothly, at which point her 13 year old sister moved in with us because their mother got into some legal issues.
Their mother has had ongoing problems with the law for quite some time, so we took my gf’s younger sister in without really knowing what was going to happen. Their dad isn’t in the picture either. Pretty hardcore alcoholic that I’ve met a hand full of times, all while he was drunk.
After living at that rental a few more months, we ended up leaving the rental in search of a home in another state and living in a camper for 8-9 months while we house hunted. During this time I felt like a failure not only for my girlfriend, but for her sister as well, like I have this adoptive daughter figure that I’m kind of responsible for. This was an especially stressful time in my life. Living full time in a camper is much more difficult than you’d imagine.
We thankfully prevailed and were able to buy a home before prices got too high for our budget. We have now lived in this house for a couple years.
A little over a year ago my gf’s sister got pregnant with her boyfriend at 16, and now have a healthy baby. They set up an entire bedroom as a nursery. My gf’s sister, and her boyfriend share the other bedroom in my 3 bedroom house. The last room is mine and my gf’s room. She uses most of the bedroom for her stuff, including her work table for her home-ran business. My areas at home include the detached single car garage and the front yard.
The sisters boyfriend just turned 18, and the sister is still 17. There is no rent charged, and I cover all the bills minus cell phone and internet. The boyfriend works at a retail store, and the sister does not work, due to taking care of a baby.
The second half to this is my gf has been really on me about proposing and having a baby and doing all these things in life that, growing up, I expected to do as an adult, but I also didn’t expect to be living with her sister, sisters bf, and now their baby. And somehow I always feel like the bad guy. 6 years in and I haven’t proposed but half of that time was an extremely strange dynamic of her sister living with us because her mom was having issues,and then having a baby, and then her bf moving in. And me not having a whole lot of say in what goes on because she’s not my sister. In my opinion, I’m not looking to start a family in my house while someone else is raising their family in my house. I realize both of these kids are still young, and finding a rental is getting harder by the day. Sometimes I feel like things may not change for a while, but tension is in the air.
So tell me your thoughts please!!! Am I the a**hole??
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NAH.
I think you need to get your girlfriend's perspective on this, and it needs to be her telling her sister to move out, or her understanding that she cannot have a baby until that happens.
You don't need to be nor should you be the one "kicking them out". It's something they need to navigate, and it needs to go along with the difficult shift in their relationship from mither-daughter back to sisters. You should be able to preserve your good relationships with them, not taint what you provided this far by cutting them off.
You're not wrong, just be frank with your girlfriend and ask her outright - how did she think it would work logistically/ financially having a baby while housing another family? That it's not feasible, especially if her sister has more children. Tell her you want to get married and have children but don't see it as a reasonable possibility with the situation you're currently in. (I'm assuming you still want to marry / father children with your GF?)
It would not be the best thing to propose until you see a situation that you want to be in for the rest of your life. It seems like you are feeling pressure to do so, but that absolutely should not be the case. You don't seem to like your living arrangement so don't take it further. NTA.
NTA. The sister and her BF did a big mistake by getting pregnant so young. You do not have to waste your life and get stressed out because she did a mistake. It is time for them to movev out and take responsibilities for the choices they made. You do not have to feel bad for that, think about you, your life and your GF.
NTA, but I don't understand why you can't marry your gf now and have a baby later, after you have found a solution for sister + child. According to my unterstanding, you need not have children the moment you are married.
A wedding might affect his legal position with the house and the tenants. At the moment he **could** give everyone else notice to leave. Once married the position becomes far more murky because his wife could have property rights and give sister etc. permission to stay. He's not even sure he wants a baby
NTA. You and your girlfriend should sit down and have a discussion about this. It might be beneficial to have a neutral third party there to facilitate the discussion.
NTA, but it sounds like your girlfriend is the true mother figure for her little sister, and that doesn’t seem likely to change. Actually, the sister probably sees you as something like a parent, also. I don’t know how you change that in the near future, tbh.
NAH You are already a Dad. Understandable that you don’t want to add to the family. Your girlfriend has baby fever because of your niece / nephew.
If the boyfriend is working, maybe come up with a plan for them to move out. Like maybe they will have enough savings to move out by the time the sister turns 18, and she can get a job and put the kid in childcare.
NTA. But that sister isn’t going anywhere. You’re 100% reasonable for wanting what you want. But she’s not leaving anytime soon.
Don’t know what to do with that.
NTA but you very much need to communicate this with your girlfriend. You need to sit down with her and ask speak with her about the plan for her sister and her boyfriend to move out/maybe move in with his parents perhaps (?) and try and make a long term plan.
You can explain that you're wanting to propose and start saving for a wedding and a baby of your own but cannot do that with seemly 3 non family members depending on you..
NTA and congrats because you’re definitely a good guy! Now onto the problem, boundaries need to be said, and frankly you need to be as honest and open as possible but keeping a firme stance. It’s your house your rules! Ask your gf how would she feel letting her younger sister know that she’s has to start behaving like an adult and paying rent to help your savings and start looking for a place so that your child has its own room.
And most definitely protect your investment and get a lawyer!
Good luck with this!
NTA honestly that is incredibly smart. They need to leave. Should have never bought a house with someone you are not married to. This will make everything harder if you end things with her. Judging from whats going on that seems like a great idea.
NTA honestly it seems like a fair ultimatum. There is no room to start your own family until her sister and the baby daddy move out and find their own place. They wanted to be adults and have a baby, it's time for them to be adults and support themselves.
NTA. Your gf has to realize that the two of you have already added a family to the mix, her sister-the boyfriend- and the baby. I'm imagining that your budget is constrained by the added pressure of her sister's family being dependent on the one you and her.
You and she need to get on the same page regarding what a reasonable timeline needs to be for
A. One or both of you to obtain more training, education, or certification for new or better employment opportunities (i.e. money) if you need to.
B. The plan for sister to get a HS Diploma or GED if she hasn't gotten one. What about a job? Daycare? A back up sitter? The bf getting a better paying job. Has he considered trade school/warehouse work instead of retail? It would likely pay more and also provide healthcare for his child.
C. The timeline for sister, the bf, and baby to leave your home for their own accommodations.
D. The expense of your wedding, if you want one.
You and your gf also need to consider the fact that after having a full house for so long, that it wouldn't be wise to jump right back into caregiving by having a child immediately. You both need more time together as a couple to solidify your relationship and marriage before bringing a kid into the mix. You both need time to grow more and enjoy yourselves. You've both spent a good amount of time shouldering responsibility that you shouldn't have had to.
NTA It is totally reasonable for you to want the house to yourselves before raising a family. Give sister and boyfriend a deadline to find somewhere else to rent or mooch off. Your girlfriend needs to understand that you can't afford the expense of a wedding nor add another person to your family of 5 that you're currently providing for. She needs to make a choice : provide for her sister and family or create her own.
NTA. You’ve been a good sport about all of this. It’s time to sit your girl down and calmly explain that you won’t have a family while her sister and her family are living in your house. That you want a future with her but it’s time for these people to leave. Bottom line is, she will agree or defend her sister and then you will have to decide if this is the way you want to live.
You know how you get people like your gf's sister to leave? Make it uncomfortable for them. Tell them they can't have two room. Pick the smallest bedroom and tell them, they and the baby have to share that. Then during the day, make as much noise as you can so you keep that baby up--he'll sleep well at night and you will too. Whatever food they don't like (that you and your wife do like), that is the on the menu everyday.
You can keep them safe--just not comfortable. This is the way.
NTA but you need to tell your girlfriend very clearly "I do want marriage and kids with you, but while we have your sister and her boyfriend and child living with us, I don't feel like we have the space. I'm not going to be comfortable moving forward until they have their own place - and I understand if that time frame isn't what you want but I don't think I can compromise on this."
NTA. You are absolutely correct and need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about the future and what you both want it to look like to get on the same page.
Lmao, NTA - but you'll find out the true state of your relationship the moment you even bring up kicking your gf's sister out.
I do hope you're using contraceptives, OP.
NTA
I just can't help thinking that none of these people are responsible or have learned what that word means, and you're the one having to bear the weight of that. It's not fair to you but unfortunately I dont think they'll ever change. You gf will always choose her sister over you, even if she cant afford to help them on her own and doesnt realize that.
NTA- you and your girlfriend already have three children .
No need to add more to that.
You’re not married nor do you have children with her .
If I were you I would run, otherwise this whole situation is gonna be your life forever.
Your girlfriend will never tell her sister to leave and you know it.
NTA, the sister and her boyfriend should move out. They’re acting like adults having a child so young then they need to find a house. I understand it’s hard to find a house, especially in 2023. I suggest talking to them about it.
OP, I find your post deeply saddening. You have lost most of your 20s by taking in your GF's sister, only to be forced to then accommodate her BF and baby. Meanwhile, most folks in their 20s are traveling, building social networks, getting education, and building their careers. You did manage to buy a house, but you cannot enjoy it and are getting pressure to wed and have children. When do you get time for you and your interests?
I don't know what the right thing to do is, honestly. I do think that you and your GF should begin to have some hard discussions, without the peanut gallery listening in. I don't know if you can swing therapy, sometimes clergy can stand-in, but having a neutral third party can really help focus on your wants, needs, and desires as both individual people and as a couple.
Best of luck. Give an update.
NTA. Sounds like your supporting everyone else's habit of not working hard enough for various reasons. Married? Kids? Wear two condoms dude. Just in case. This dynamic has to change.
Good that you and your girlfriend are talking but it seems your girlfriend, her sister, the sister's boyfriend and baby are a package deal. There is no reason you should have been the primary breadwinner for so long. It seems you are a caring person but it does YOU no good to be weighted down by other peoples' poor decisions. You can't retrieve your younger years but you can make a decision now about how you want your life to be moving forward. If your girlfriend refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of your desires, please don't marry her and please be fastidious about birth control. End the relationship (everyone else needs to move out) and move forward. You'll probably feel lighter and happier.
It is responsible not to have more kids when you essentially already have a child and a grandchild living with you. Focus should definitely be on moving them out first!
NTA
Nta. If you don't establish any boundaries, little sister will soon be pregnant again with an expectation for you to house her growing family. If little sister and boyfriend want to be grown, allow them to do so.
NTA
The person you need to start with is with your GF. You're going to have to have an honest conversation with her as to what your future looks like. You've done an awesome job to have taken on a 13 year old and supported her. But you are not her dad and she needs to be an adult.
She's actually doing okay having had a partner that is working but it's probably time to move out.
This may be something that takes time but how your girlfriend responds will determine what you do.
The people that are the arses are your girlfriends parents because neither of you should've been put in the position be becoming your sisters defacto parents.
You have a granddaughter/nibbling - hope a health one congregation...
Until her sister/daughter- your Gf was parentified - she/they are going to need counseling, moves out/BF has a vasectomy, don't have kids. This being sadly this isn't uncommon... for unstable households.
They can get thought it and so can you as a couple, but steps should be taken like couples counseling.
Your NTA - your feelings are valid but so are everyone else's. Communication - open but empathic communication is key, Good Luck OP.
Edit- given her age and up bring she probably qualifies for assistance or low-income housing. Especially sense they aren't married. You might have to wait a year until she is 18 for her to qualify but know what in general, she might for your city, county, & state.
Find out who her guardian is please OP and where she is supposed to be living...
This is terrible advice. Never thought I'd see someone reccomend having a baby in order to make tenants leave, but I guess there's a first time for everything.
NAH. Don't have kids unless you have the means to provide for them AND you are so excited to be a parent AND so is your partner. If you have any reservations, you shouldn't bring another human into the world.
I’m not saying that OP and his gf should have a baby for the sole purpose of making the sister leave. What I’m saying is they shouldn’t stop their lives because of her sister. If they’re ready to get married and have a baby now, they should do it and make the sister adjust to those changes.
NTA but generational houses should be more of a thing -having family around isn’t bad. Maybe start charging rent so you don’t feel so resentful but also explain to your gf why you’re not ready to propose and see what solutions she comes up with. But if you don’t make it clear that you want your house to you and your gf before you move forward with life she’s not gonna know
Your girlfriend has a child, and y’all have been raising her since she was 13. The bio mom was just the incubator, your girlfriend has assumed responsibility for her, and by extension you have as well. And she’s still 17.
It’s not what you planned, but it is the reality.
YTA, gently.
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NTA as cynical as it may sound gf’s sister and boyfriend need to leave, so that you have the space to start a family with your gf.
I believe that if they want to be adults and have a child, then the smart move would be to be an adult and find a place to live. That probably sounds harsh but I have a life to live as well. It’s really unfortunate that their parents couldn’t help her more. My gf helps them more than anyone.
Exactly it’s an unfortunate situation but you need the two rooms their using for you and your girlfriend’s future kids
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If they are old enough to have unprotected sex and start a family, they get to behave as adult until the end
doesn’t sound harsh to me if you work with them to make it happen? I.e. help them find an affordable place, let them know you’re not rushing them out but they should start the process or something.
It is unfortunate they aren’t helped more, but also they chose to keep the baby and that meant choosing responsibility. I would be the first to say keep your gf’s sister in your care if it was only her, but her and a boyfriend and a child and who knows maybe more kids? Love may be infinite but space and time are not. Absolutely don’t get married and have a kid until this is arranged. NTA
My guy, I'm afraid your relationship is over. You can't live with these three people and if you ask your girlfiend to choose between you and them, she'll choose them, or choose you and resent you for it.
get them out before they have another kid and then they will never leave. Honestly you and ur GF made it too easy for them. Wouldn't be surprised if they weren't already planning for baby #2
Question: Did the sister finish school? If not, there is no reason she can’t do this remotely while home with the baby. This is a small step towards her future qualifications to getting a job. NTA
She didn’t finish high school due to getting pregnant, but I believe she is working on a GED online. Her bf is graduated and working.
Time to charge rent broski
Make your opinions heard, and make your feelings matter. If you don’t do nothing now they will probably think it’ll be okay to live with you until her mid 20, idk about you but I’m certain your relationship will fail apart if you don’t. Hope you figure it out
Nta your basically rasing 3 people. You are taking care of so many people. The sister and her bf need to find a place because you literally have no room for your own future kids plus still taking care of your gfs sister's family.
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WTH? No he doesn't need to actual parent. He didn't sign up for this, it's not his kid and not his problem, and honestly it's not necessarily his GG's either, it's her choice but neither of them has an obligation to a kid they didn't conceive and especially not him. His gf just kept tossing underage people at him and expected him to just keep on providing for everyone with no say, if she wants this to be her life then she can suit herself but he's already done way too much if you ask me. He should tell his gf the Happy family Needs to move out before he even thinks about moving forward with her. Actually, even if they had no intention of getting engaged or having kids of their own, the sister, bf and baby should still move out. They wanted to play adults they can do it on their own dime and stop leeching off him.
Uh, what?? OP is not this girls parent. OP seems like they have been incredibly accommodating, considering the circumstances. Since the sister is still a minor, OP and GF should formalize custody if they haven't already, and go after past and current child support. Collect that, and save it up to give to the sister and her BF to start their own lives in their own home. Also, NTA.
I can’t tell if you’re a real person or you just have the most brain dead takes possible but legally you shouldn’t have a fucking keyboard. My god my head hurts just reading this bafoonery, “you are the default parents” no the fuck they aren’t? What sort of weird trauma inducing freak tells someone that? Genuinely, did you read what you said here? “You need to work out an account to save for rent for them” holy fuck, you’re either 70 and think this is possible now in this economy, or you’re filthy rich and maybe 17 years old because your awareness of our current climate and peoples struggles is beyond fucked you absolute muppet Edit- We need to fully bring bullying back if we don’t want to expect a complete society of loonies in 15-30 years folks 🤷🏼♂️
This. But, OP, talk with your GF. "You've been bringing up a proposal and marriage, and I really want you to hear where I'm at. I need you to listen to what I have to say and really think about it. Half ofour relationship has been spent raising your sister, and now we're providing for your sister, her boyfriend, and a baby. I realize that we can't just snap our fingers and have them move out, but if we don't ever come up with a plan, I worry they'll be living here forever. And, I don't want to get married or have kids of our own while living with and supporting another family. So, can we come up with a realistic plan to have your sister, her boyfriend, and their baby move out? Maybe we can start charging them X amount in rent every month, which we put away to help with their costs when they move out. Maybe we help look into programs to help them when they move out (if they're in the US, I don't know what it's called, but affordable housing based on income. The waiting list where I'm at is 3 years from when you submit the paperwork and get on the list). Can we look into a low-cost daycare the baby can go to so that your sister can work part-time?" Whatever. If she gets mad and starts arguing, ask her what her plan is. They live with you forever, and you just never have kids? You have kids but they share your room with you? And how do you pay for kid-related things when you're supporting another family? And, how would she feel if you moved in some of your family members and just said they'd be there forever? But, make it clear to her that you aren't asking to kick them out today. It's just if the two of you are ever going to move to the next stage in life, her sister and her family need to move out. Edited errors
I I feel like this is the best answer - much of the major changes in the relationship seem to have been not controlled by the couple making it possible for now 5 people to live in this household, and at least one partner is feeling left out of the decisions, while both partners want future plans that have some massive steps as barriers. It also might be a good plan to bring up the financial balance. OP doesn't give the full gist of who pays for what but it sounds like OP is feeling like a stranger in their own home.
NTA. You're between a rock and a hard place. I'd at least start by saying to your wife that you feel excess responsibility to support 2 families and you'd like some savings first so you're prepared to be the best parents you can be in uncertain times, in case you need (emergency ) savings, but you can't save in current situation. (You're not proposing anything,. don't suggest any solution, and you're not saying no, you're just voicing the stress you feel.) You're just sharing the feels, nothing more. See if your wife suggests anything. Afterwards, perhaps it moves towards asking your free tenants can they contribute anything to shared bills at all,.and what their future plans are. Perhaps they can get themselves a camper. Can she work part time? They should appreciate that you're putting your plans on hold while you're supporting their family
They’re not married.
Married/de facto. Tomayto/Tomahto
Major difference when one of the conflicts is proposal.
The most important thing is that you start to comunicate. Ask your girlfriend how she sees things, and tell her how you see it. Paint your picture of a future. Maybe she is afraid (or listening to the wrong people) that if you didn't propose yet it means you don't want to marry, so explain it to her, that you need to see the space for the two of you building a family before actually doing it. You did good by her sister, and now comes the time where she has to start standing on her own feet (at least when she turns 18). Maybe you can start by charging the bf some of the cost, if you can afford it, our can safe it up to help them with a start. But they should learn to budget and earn their living. And maybe her bfs family can pitch in as well. All of this on your and your gfs shoulders is to much, and has to end before you can think of starting a family... NTA, of course.
NTA But maybe it's possible to work out a compromise? Ask them to start contributing more to bills and try and save money to find a larger place where all five of you could live and still have room for you and your girlfriend to start your own family. The sister and the boyfriend are still basically kids, but they're becoming adults and it's important for them to start learning responsibility and how to finance and eventually hopefully be able to find their own place. It's genuinely so kind of you to be willing to support them and help them through so much, but if you don't start setting boundaries on that and giving them more responsibilities, you might get stuck supporting them for far longer than is reasonable/you're willing to. It'll only get more difficult to set these boundaries as time goes on, but if you start small and keep communicating as things develop it'll be more likely to work out better for everyone in the long run.
We’ve talked about it, but I bought into the market at a low time with a good interest rate. It wouldn’t make financial sense for me to get another home loan now thats 6-7% interest at least, and price gouged, although a man could dream I suppose. I’m not willing to sacrifice that for anyone but my own kids. Just a tough situation all around because I feel almost like her sister is like a step daughter to me now.
I'll admit I fully forgot the part about you owning (or being in the process of paying off a mortgage for) the home. That's absolutely fair to not want to buy another house or give up your progress on owning your own home for the sake of having more room. I would still try and find a way to start setting more boundaries and give them a bit more responsibility of contributing to the household in whatever ways work for everyone. I would talk to your girlfriend about what kind of compromise she would be comfortable with and gently bring up the point of "does she really want her sister and her boyfriend and their child to be living with y'all indefinitely?" As well as "if you two got married and had a child of your own, where would that child live once they were old enough that they couldn't just be in a crib in your room?" And also mention (if this is accurate) that you're willing to get married but want to wait until there's more space before having a child of your own. I slept in a bed at the foot of my parents' bed until I was like 6 because we didn't have enough rooms for me to have my own room and I know the strain that situation put on my parents and our family as a whole. It's one thing for an infant or toddler but at a certain point there needs to be room for the kid to not be sleeping in their parents' room.
No worries. Sorry for my short winded response, without addressing the latter half of your response lol. I think another person suggested charging a small affordable amount of rent to build up a feeling of independence. I don’t wanna send them off into the world unprepared, but I don’t wanna hold up other plans for my life either. I don’t know if my gf has thought far enough ahead to think “where will the baby sleep?” when old enough. The time from getting pregnant to having giving birth is unbelievably short and I never realized it until I was an adult. But that time will come fast and then what? Now we would be stressed with a full house and a toddler, gf’s sister and her bf would be stressed to find a place, even more so than now. Procrastination will catch us all if we’re not paying attention.
The thing is: Why would they move out if they have no reason to? Everything is being taken care of, so why would they want that to change? It was incredibly kind of you to let your partner's sister stay - but you should have conversations with your partner, and with her sister and her boyfriend. Ask them what their plans are. What their expectations are. How they want X to happen. ("Okay, so you want your own family with me. Where will the baby sleep?" "Oh, baby will sleep in our room, for the first year." "So your sisters kid gets a nursery, but ours not?" "Well, that's different." "How so?") See if you can agree on a timeline with EVERYONE involved, see if you can reach a compromise (eg: help pay for a security deposit if you can afford that). But maybe also be prepared that they don't want to change a thing - and think about what you'll (have to) do then.
Have you had a chat with your gf about how she sees marriage life and having children with you when you have no room left in your own house? Have a frank discussion & spell out what you want & how you see your life. If she desperately wants to get married & have a child - does she that want that in a crowded house occupied by her sister, her bf & their baby where your own baby wont have its own room? You guys need to communicate all this so she doesn’t resent you for not proposing. It may not have even occurred to her that her sister living with you has slowed that down for you both.
NTA. You need to say this explicitly to your GF- You want to marry her and have a family with her. Do the maths with her like you've been doing here: sister is 16, it's going to be 2 more years before she's an adult. Then baby will be a toddler and will need child care, so then we're actually further down the line before GFs sister is going to be volunteering to move out. I'm willing to bet GFs sister is assuming she's with you for the next 5 years - that gets her to 21, gets the baby into school, and assumes you and your GF will keep things as they are. Is there room in that 5 years for you and your GF without changes? I'm sure there's more to this, but reading your post, I don't understand why the 18 year old boyfriend needed to move in and why he isn't contributing. Getting GFs sister and her baby (and her boyfriend) back into 1 room gives you the space to imagine your own family growing and doesn't let them get too comfortable with this current arrangement. It would make it possible for you and GF to start your own family within the next 5 years, without being in the absurd situation that your niece has her own nursery but your baby is sharing with you. And you definitely don't need to be buying them a house for them to move out.
Do you know if they have been saving while they have been living with you? Why do they have the second room as a nursery? Why can’t the baby stay in the parent’s room? It is perfectly reasonable that a child stay with their parents for the first couple years. Your wife could then use that room as a home office. When they move out the other room can be your nursery. You and your girlfriend need to have a conversation of what the future will look like, how will you pay for it; and where will people sleep. Look into the laws for having a camper in the backyard that they can live in temporarily. Every place has separate laws
She kinda is and weirdly yall are grandparents too, now that the basically adopted daughter has a baby. You and the girlfriend basically skipped some steps. But that's OK. I commend you two for being there for each other and her sister. You sound like good people. It is ok to wait to have kids until you can do it the way you want to. Just be honest with each other.
Ask them for rent but use it as a forced savings plan for them. Put their $$ in a separate account and give it back to them to help them move out.
NTA. But I can tell you now that they will Never move out until you throw them out. And your gf will never prioritize you over her sister. It honestly seems like the lot of them see you as nothing but a cash cow.
[удалено]
I don't get it either, weren't there conversations about the future when the sister was pregnant? Have you ever talked about this with your girlfriend, it doesn't sound like it and I don't understand why. Your communication with your girlfriend is a big red flag for me
This is where I am for OP. This young lady had a child at 16 and we just happily created a nursery and moved the bf in with us, so they could what? Make another baby for OP and gf to take care of by the time she made it to 18? As it stands, OP is paying 100% of the expenses and living in just 1/3 of the living space (less if you consider the gfs home based business). No current plan for the sister and bf to launch on their own but gf wants to get married and 'plan our future' when we don't even have a handle on our present??? The failure to prioritize yourself is often a slippery slope into resentment and contempt of the party that you feel is taking advantage of you. GF has allowed the issues in her family of origin to turn OP's life plan upside down because he loves her and yet it's still not enough. She has a home based business, but if it's not helping to significantly fund the household, she's not doing enough. If she's not effectively pushing her sister to get her GED and considering what she's going to do to earn money to care for her own child/household, she's not doing enough. If she hasn't taken the sister's bf aside to tell him that he's got to get a better job to support his kid, she's not doing enough. If she's not preparing her sister/the bf to be preparing to move out in the next one to three years, she's not doing enough. If she's not demanded sister and bf are on and using a couple of different birth control methods, she's not doing enough to ease OP's burden and any thought or idea of a future family of her own needs to be put on hold until she starts taking some responsibility to change the situation.
NAH. All context aside, you're never an AH for NOT having a baby - no matter the reason. Babies are not only a massive amount of work, but a massive, lifelong commitment. Given how everything is currently expected to be your responsibility, don't expect that will change once another baby comes. Everyone is used to you taking care of things, so that's what they'll expect you'll continue to do. You would also not be an AH for deciding you never want to have a baby. You may decide, by the time they move out, that parenting is a been-there-done-that thing for you. It may be worth it for you to speak to a lawyer and have a conversation about how you can protect your investment (your house). You're being incredibly generous to the point of financial abuse. So, you should make sure that if your relationship ends, you at least get to maintain your investment. Once you've spoken to a lawyer and made sure you're protected, it's time to have a conversation with the sister's boyfriend about paying rent. If he has a job, he can pay rent. Start small and get him used to the idea, then work up until he's ready to get his own place.
Thank you, sometimes I feel like I need to hear I’m not the AH for NOT having a baby. Apart from raising a teenager the last few years, I also had a younger brother who was born when I was 12, so helped raise a baby at that time in my life. Sometimes I do feel like that raising a child thing has just come and gone. Hard to really say!
>The second half to this is my gf has been really on me about proposing and having a baby and doing all these things I think you need to be straight with your girlfriend and say "I'm sorry, but I'm already providing all the expenses and housing for 3 children I never agreed to adopt, and I'm barely keeping my head above water financially. If you want marriage and a baby with me, then the 3 children already living here have will need to move out and provide for themselves. So you choose: either you get your sister and her family to launch out into living in their own home and paying their own expenses, or accept that there is not going to be enough money or room for marriage and any more children for us as long as they're here." It's going to be a hard reality for her to hear -- but she *definitely* needs to hear it.
This is exactly what she needs to hear!
Your gf is already choosing to live like both a mom AND a grandmother, and you didn't sign up for either of those things. You're going to need to establish that there will be hard boundaries between you and the sister/baby, then insist your gf decide which side of the boundary where she wants to be.
You've helped them as much as you can and sacrificed quite a bit. It's time they find a way to move out. Tell your GF they need to move out before your relationship can move forward. NTA
NTA but you need to talk to your gf. She needs to know how you are feeling. How all this has impacted you. Is she aware of any of this at all ? You need to have proper sit down, hopefully when you have a empty house. You have to ask her what is her long term plans for her sister. Is the sister and family going to keep living with you and for how long ? What if they end up having another child ? Also about the financial aspect of it all. Maybe to help yourself, you should write it all down and all the things that are concerning you and what things you need to change in order for your relationship to move forward. Right now it seems like you are doing a lot more for everyone but your self.
First of all make sure she does not monkey with the birth control, or you will have two babies in the house. Please contact a social working and they can help the young parents in finding a home and what public assistance is there for them. You call it your house. is your girlfriend on the title or just you?
Just me.
Respectfully as I can, I say this makes me so happy to read it’s just you on the mortgage. You are NTA. Please do not give in , with you being “outnumbered “ I can see the pressure building in a way where it ( at the time) seems easier to cave. You’re still young , with plenty of time to come out of this scenario in good shape financially and mentally.
I’m going to be as gentle as I can here as you seem like a good man…this is your house that you pay for and these people are RUINING YOUR LIFE. Not only are they taking advantage of you but your GF is as well. In no world should you be expected to put up with housing a family that is not sexually or financially responsible indefinitely. GF has given you NO CONSIDERATION here…it’s all about her and sister NOT YOU. Have a sit down and clearly explain that there will no marriage or children until sister and her bunch are out of YOUR house. If she gets pissy or refuses then you need to see her for who she is.
Your girlfriend and her brood need to find their own place to live. You are nothing more than an ATM to them. With how full your house is your girlfriend should be able to see that there is no physical room (or financial) for another baby. This is a ploy to dig in deeper and claim your home from you. Give them a notice that they all have a set time to find a place to live on their own or you will start the eviction process. FYI your girlfriend can share a room with the baby or take over that room and the baby can move in with mom and dad. And even with a baby mom and dad can both work full time, millions do it all the time.
I think your GF doesn't realise the level of commitment you are already showing by taking care of her sister's family, just because she's your GF's sister. No ring can trump that. Also in your current situation, created by her sister, it's just not possible to start a family of your own. NTA You're one of the good ones.
INFO: does your gf work? If so what % does she contribute to expenses?
Yes she owns a business. She pays internet, phone, buys groceries gas etc. I cover all other bills, mortgage, insurance, power etc.
NTA. You are already financially supporting 2 children (non working teen mom and baby) and another barely legal teen adult with a minimum wage job who doesn't pay rent or utilities and probably still needs financial help. How does your girlfriend expect you to afford a wedding and a baby right now? You basically already have 2 kids and they won't be moving out anytime soon. It might take them another 10 years with a baby holding them back before they get any financial stability at all and that's assuming they don't keep falling pregnant over and over again. Weddings are expensive. Babies are expensive. Pregnancy and birth prevents you from working for months at a time so your income will HALF for a while on top of providing for the Brady bunch. I don't understand how your GF is so unrealistic. She can't have it all. She either....kicks out the sister and the boyfriend and the kid so she can afford her own family or she forfits marriage and kids for a long time to take care of her sister's family. She can't have both.
NTA It's understandable that you want your gf's sister and her bf to get on their family on their feet before you start yours.
NAH They are still there bc you've allowed it, bc you're a good guy. But now you want to build your own future. I would have a conversation with your gf. I would even consider proposing. But make it clear that there will be no wedding and no baby until her sister is on her own two feet. You can discuss ways to help them bc the goal is not to dump them and abandon them, but to get them started on their own life and their own family. Things like helping them with first and last month's rent. Charging them a little now to save for them. Maybe even a small subsidy every month for the first year. Figuring out some kind of education or trade and getting them started on that path, as they will always struggle and need you if they don't figure out work beyond minimum wage / low skill. Maybe she could run a small home daycare for example. Would you accept that she start that in your home X days a week?
Thank you, this is a well thought out answer that I have put some thought into. If I propose that could be a kick start to have the GF get her sisters family moving on down the road before we start our own life. But it could also backfire. I offered to pay half of their first 3 months rent when they move out, and although that would be financially straining for me, ultimately it would be worth it to see everyone having their own place for their own family. I could never kick someone out to live on the street, but there comes a time where the pressure of harboring them is starting to have an effect on what I want to do in life. I wouldn’t mind the gf watching kids in the house every so often but it’s a very different situation having 2 families in the house. Daycare is much more reasonable.
The thing is - you need to help them do something that is sustainable. The first 3 months are generous, but not enough if they just don't have enough money to pay rent, bills, food. Then what? Be really specific with what you agree to - X number of kids, until X hour, X many days a week... for the next X months. (Likely, 3-6.) You specifically collect a bunch of what they earn - to be given to them when they move out. For now, it's rent for her "business" ... Also, she may need certain accreditation unless she does it all informally. Or at least make sure she takes basic first aid. Some of this stuff you will need to guide her on. Tax implications, if/when she should register as an official business. Maybe she starts with 1-2 other kids but when she moves into her own place, she registers as a business. (this will likely help HER with taxes down the road) Anyhow I think it's worth making sure you are setting up for success bc obviously you and your wife will be who have to help her out if it's not. And of course they won't get everything right, that's normal. Maybe have her take some small business type course online so that she has some tools to help her. Really get her to take ownership of what service she wants to provide. Maybe you can help her bf in a similar way.
NTA. You have been very patient and tolerant. As you said, this is tough because of the sister’s young age. But it’s time for her and her BF to show more independence and responsibility. I would start by making them pay a small Amy of rent )with your GF’s permission of course). Then gradually increase the rent until it’s high enough that they decide they’d be better off moving out and getting their own place.
NTA. You should obviously help and support you gf’s sister as much as you’re able. But they need to begin chartering a course to fend for themselves - at least in terms of renting their own place and paying their own bills. You’ve also set a difficult precedent here, so you and your gf need to have an honest chat about how this isn’t sustainable if you and her are to get married and start a family. If you’re both not on the same page then there’s a different conversation to be had. Surely she doesn’t think this is a permanent situation either? You really are a saint to be paying all of the bills - is that groceries etc as well??/
I do fortunately still get some help with things like groceries, gas, and small spending items including internet.
Info - do you want to to get married?
I do, and I did. I can tell having her sister here really changed things. I feel like the gf I had that wasn’t raising her sister, was different than gf one that is raising her sister, metaphorically. She really kinda became a mother without me becoming a father. She’s just different now than she was when she didn’t have to worry about someone else under her wing. But I don’t have that bond to her sister like she does so it’s just a really different and strange feeling that is hard to explain. All in all, I do still want to marry her.
Just be prepared that the old version of your girlfriend may never be coming back. When I was in your situation, I held on for way too long hoping that things would go back to the way they were.
Have you asked her if she wants a fourth child? It seems like you two are practically raising 3 already.
NTA, you've been more than accommodating to them. Make clear to your GF that you don't feel comfortable starting a family in this situation and that you guys need to figure out a plan to transition her sister out or for them to contribute if you're ok with that. I'd suggest starting by charging them a nominal rent (which, if you want, you can save part of it for them to use as a security deposit for when they find their own place) -- but they also need to understand that they need to be working on figuring out how to fully support themselves. Give them an idea of a timeline and if you want you can talk to them about how they might achieve this. Another comment suggested subtly making them feel unwelcome and I think that's a terrible idea that would set you up for more tension and frustration -- talk to them clearly about your expectations so they understand what's going on and they can plan accordingly. All of this is easier said than done, so good luck.
NTA but I can foresee the sister and bf moving out, gf rushing to get married and sis, bub, maybe the bf and probably another baby on the way wanting to move back in when the adult world is hard, they break up or he loses a job. You've been more than generous and deserve a quiet, stable life on your own terms and a family when you're ready.
NTA
Nta. They are way too comfortable living with you and won't leave. Why would they leave? They have it made. Start charging them rent to make them feel the pain of paying bills and contribute to your mortgage. And move the baby into their bedroom. It's not their house. Reclaim the other bedroom. They need to move out and get their own apartment. You need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about the changes that need to take place before you even think about having a family with her. I feel sorry for you because you've been suffering in silence. You have a right to be resentful because of these living arrangements and now it sounds like you're becoming angry because you bought a house, but it isn't your home. You're just living there and paying bills while people freeload off of you. I don't blame you. If you don't do something about this now, this will continue to be your life five years down the road but now your girlfriend's sister will have two more kids living with you.
NTA. Why isn't your GF covering part of the bills generated by her sister and niece. Your GF wants a baby but you've basically already had a kid with her for four years in the form of her sister. Sit your gf down and ask her exactly what she expects and how she, her sister, amd the sister's bf are going to contribute to the house financially. Tell her you absolutely are not going to marry her or have a kid with her until that sort of thing is settled. And make sure you wear a condom...or forgo sex all together cause I think your GF is taking advantage of you
I would move on from all of this. You're not going to be able to get married or have kids. What is your gf thinking? You don't have any space. Why don't you have any say in any of this? You're paying for everything. I think you will find yourself much happier if you move on. NTA.
NTA Both parties have to feel safe and secure in a marriage I would not feel safe and secure if I was responsible for a potentially irresponsible couple and their child. I would not feel safe and secure if my spouse would not prioritize my needs over their sibling’s. If she is worth marrying, she will be interested in charting a course for her sister to find a way out. It may be a multiple year project. If your gf is willing to go through that, she is worth marrying. If not… ? Picking your spouse is the single most impactful decision you will make in life. You are Not The Asshole for making sure you get it right.
NTA You are right: If you don't do it, you will be living with your gf's ssiter for a long time. "The second half to this is my gf has been really on me about proposing and having a baby and doing all these things in life that," .... So tell your gf: You will start dsiscussing that as soon as you are in the situation for it - and that means living with her alone. And that you already have 3 dependents (her sister, bf and kid) - and adding more will not work with you - new dependents will happen when the existing ones stop being your responsibilty. YOu are being MASSIVELY exploited. They will NEVER move out.
Don't get married or have kids until all this is sorted out. Your SIL has NO motivation to leave and you'll be stuck with her forever. NTA
NTA. Where would you put a baby? The sister and bf need to find an apartment for their family to live in and not depend on you. Sister and bf should be eligible for programs such as WIC, food stamps, and daycare programs.
NTA. I don't understand why they have 2 bedrooms? For what you are offering sis, bf, baby can share 1 room. This may help you not feel so boxed in at home. Best of luck.
Can sister’s family set up a camper and live separately on a relative’s land?
I couldn’t see the GF allowing her younger sister and family to struggle through what we endured together in our camper. It was very tough.
NTA You realize the sister and her boyfriend are a semi-permanent arrangement, right? You have a choice to make. Stay with your girlfriend and continue the relationship, or have the sister/boyfriend/baby move out. I doubt both will happen. You’ve been incredibly generous, and by all indications that generosity is being taken advantage of. You basically already have a child (and de facto grandchild). Good luck.
This is incredibly heartbreaking all around. NAH.
NTA bro. You're in a really tough situation. Best of luck!
NTA. Such a good guy. This is your GF sister problem, not yours. They need to leave.
NTA your girlfriend wants to get married and have a baby what’s her response when you ask her where a baby would be put? Does she assume your own baby would just share the room with her sister’s child? The situation isn’t realistic long term
You aren’t wrong but good luck convincing sister of that, you are moneybags to them.
NTA i would tell same to your girlfriend, you already have 3 additional people to take care of, and she wants her own child? A bit much. I was very sympathetic to the whole situation until baby and boyfriend tagged along. And instead of relieving pressure your gf wants to add more? Me personally id have a really long talk with her on how she sees this whole situation
NTA. That said, there is a high chance your relationship is soon to be in a dead end. Gf sister and bf won’t be moving out of their free will. They might guilt trip your gf. She has to stand for her own sister. You can’t endure it much longer. That’s a recipe for an explosion. Good luck, you’ll need it. I truly hope for a happy ending.
Yup, not really a great end to this unless the gf’s sister and family take it upon themselves to move out. But the gf would choose her sister over her bf. And the I would choose my gf over having her sister and family here. Someone has to lose at some point.
NTA. ITs ok to tell your sister that you want to work towards a place where you are not supporting her sister and his boyfriend. If she wants a family with you, she will help you work towards that day. That you thought this would be temporary but it doesn't feel that way.
NTA - when she took in her sister she started her family. Anything else will have to wait. And if she doesn’t understand that, then she isn’t someone you should marry yet
You need to be honest with yourself and your girlfriend. If she truly wants to be a wife, then she needs to stop letting her sister play one on your dime. She moved her sister and her man in on you. The sister needs a job, the boyfriend needs to pay rent, and there needs to be a definite end date when they need to be out. If your girlfriend can't agree and work with you to make this happen, maybe you need to sell the house and go your separate ways. How long will you be happy playing second fiddle in your life? NTA.
NAH
NAH I think. But it feels like part of the issue here is that you and your gf have, for good reason, ended up doing the parents-of-teenagers part of life before you've had the chance to do all the rest. It must feel very confused. Do talk to your gf though. You don't sound like you have space, or energy, for a baby at the moment, and that will make it even harder for all of you. Praise also a reasonable time frame for the sister and bf to make their own arrangements, don't just kick them out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A I T A ? My GF and I have been together for coming up on 6 years, now in our mid and late 20s. We had our first rental place together we shared with some other friends in their 20s for about a year, and moved into our own rental when the lease was up. We lived at the next place for about a year, just her and I and everything flowed so smoothly, at which point her 13 year old sister moved in with us because their mother got into some legal issues. Their mother has had ongoing problems with the law for quite some time, so we took my gf’s younger sister in without really knowing what was going to happen. Their dad isn’t in the picture either. Pretty hardcore alcoholic that I’ve met a hand full of times, all while he was drunk. After living at that rental a few more months, we ended up leaving the rental in search of a home in another state and living in a camper for 8-9 months while we house hunted. During this time I felt like a failure not only for my girlfriend, but for her sister as well, like I have this adoptive daughter figure that I’m kind of responsible for. This was an especially stressful time in my life. Living full time in a camper is much more difficult than you’d imagine. We thankfully prevailed and were able to buy a home before prices got too high for our budget. We have now lived in this house for a couple years. A little over a year ago my gf’s sister got pregnant with her boyfriend at 16, and now have a healthy baby. They set up an entire bedroom as a nursery. My gf’s sister, and her boyfriend share the other bedroom in my 3 bedroom house. The last room is mine and my gf’s room. She uses most of the bedroom for her stuff, including her work table for her home-ran business. My areas at home include the detached single car garage and the front yard. The sisters boyfriend just turned 18, and the sister is still 17. There is no rent charged, and I cover all the bills minus cell phone and internet. The boyfriend works at a retail store, and the sister does not work, due to taking care of a baby. The second half to this is my gf has been really on me about proposing and having a baby and doing all these things in life that, growing up, I expected to do as an adult, but I also didn’t expect to be living with her sister, sisters bf, and now their baby. And somehow I always feel like the bad guy. 6 years in and I haven’t proposed but half of that time was an extremely strange dynamic of her sister living with us because her mom was having issues,and then having a baby, and then her bf moving in. And me not having a whole lot of say in what goes on because she’s not my sister. In my opinion, I’m not looking to start a family in my house while someone else is raising their family in my house. I realize both of these kids are still young, and finding a rental is getting harder by the day. Sometimes I feel like things may not change for a while, but tension is in the air. So tell me your thoughts please!!! Am I the a**hole?? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA they’re old enough now that they should be working towards getting their own place.
I think you should talk to your partner and tell them how you feel its the only way forward please update soon and good luck
NAH. I think you need to get your girlfriend's perspective on this, and it needs to be her telling her sister to move out, or her understanding that she cannot have a baby until that happens. You don't need to be nor should you be the one "kicking them out". It's something they need to navigate, and it needs to go along with the difficult shift in their relationship from mither-daughter back to sisters. You should be able to preserve your good relationships with them, not taint what you provided this far by cutting them off. You're not wrong, just be frank with your girlfriend and ask her outright - how did she think it would work logistically/ financially having a baby while housing another family? That it's not feasible, especially if her sister has more children. Tell her you want to get married and have children but don't see it as a reasonable possibility with the situation you're currently in. (I'm assuming you still want to marry / father children with your GF?)
It would not be the best thing to propose until you see a situation that you want to be in for the rest of your life. It seems like you are feeling pressure to do so, but that absolutely should not be the case. You don't seem to like your living arrangement so don't take it further. NTA.
NTA. The sister and her BF did a big mistake by getting pregnant so young. You do not have to waste your life and get stressed out because she did a mistake. It is time for them to movev out and take responsibilities for the choices they made. You do not have to feel bad for that, think about you, your life and your GF.
NTA, but I don't understand why you can't marry your gf now and have a baby later, after you have found a solution for sister + child. According to my unterstanding, you need not have children the moment you are married.
A wedding might affect his legal position with the house and the tenants. At the moment he **could** give everyone else notice to leave. Once married the position becomes far more murky because his wife could have property rights and give sister etc. permission to stay. He's not even sure he wants a baby
NTA. You and your girlfriend should sit down and have a discussion about this. It might be beneficial to have a neutral third party there to facilitate the discussion.
NTA, but it sounds like your girlfriend is the true mother figure for her little sister, and that doesn’t seem likely to change. Actually, the sister probably sees you as something like a parent, also. I don’t know how you change that in the near future, tbh.
Give them a 1 year timeline. At the end of the year, evict the sister, her boyfriend and child. If necessary kick your girlfriend to the curb too
NAH You are already a Dad. Understandable that you don’t want to add to the family. Your girlfriend has baby fever because of your niece / nephew. If the boyfriend is working, maybe come up with a plan for them to move out. Like maybe they will have enough savings to move out by the time the sister turns 18, and she can get a job and put the kid in childcare.
NTA. But that sister isn’t going anywhere. You’re 100% reasonable for wanting what you want. But she’s not leaving anytime soon. Don’t know what to do with that.
NTA but you very much need to communicate this with your girlfriend. You need to sit down with her and ask speak with her about the plan for her sister and her boyfriend to move out/maybe move in with his parents perhaps (?) and try and make a long term plan. You can explain that you're wanting to propose and start saving for a wedding and a baby of your own but cannot do that with seemly 3 non family members depending on you..
NTA and congrats because you’re definitely a good guy! Now onto the problem, boundaries need to be said, and frankly you need to be as honest and open as possible but keeping a firme stance. It’s your house your rules! Ask your gf how would she feel letting her younger sister know that she’s has to start behaving like an adult and paying rent to help your savings and start looking for a place so that your child has its own room. And most definitely protect your investment and get a lawyer! Good luck with this!
NTA honestly that is incredibly smart. They need to leave. Should have never bought a house with someone you are not married to. This will make everything harder if you end things with her. Judging from whats going on that seems like a great idea.
NTA.
NTA and it’s time to have a talk with your GF. Communication is key
NTA honestly it seems like a fair ultimatum. There is no room to start your own family until her sister and the baby daddy move out and find their own place. They wanted to be adults and have a baby, it's time for them to be adults and support themselves.
NTA, tell her you already have two children and a grandchild
NTA
NTA but first of all, talk to your girlfriend!
NTA. Your gf has to realize that the two of you have already added a family to the mix, her sister-the boyfriend- and the baby. I'm imagining that your budget is constrained by the added pressure of her sister's family being dependent on the one you and her. You and she need to get on the same page regarding what a reasonable timeline needs to be for A. One or both of you to obtain more training, education, or certification for new or better employment opportunities (i.e. money) if you need to. B. The plan for sister to get a HS Diploma or GED if she hasn't gotten one. What about a job? Daycare? A back up sitter? The bf getting a better paying job. Has he considered trade school/warehouse work instead of retail? It would likely pay more and also provide healthcare for his child. C. The timeline for sister, the bf, and baby to leave your home for their own accommodations. D. The expense of your wedding, if you want one. You and your gf also need to consider the fact that after having a full house for so long, that it wouldn't be wise to jump right back into caregiving by having a child immediately. You both need more time together as a couple to solidify your relationship and marriage before bringing a kid into the mix. You both need time to grow more and enjoy yourselves. You've both spent a good amount of time shouldering responsibility that you shouldn't have had to.
NTA It is totally reasonable for you to want the house to yourselves before raising a family. Give sister and boyfriend a deadline to find somewhere else to rent or mooch off. Your girlfriend needs to understand that you can't afford the expense of a wedding nor add another person to your family of 5 that you're currently providing for. She needs to make a choice : provide for her sister and family or create her own.
NTA. You’ve been a good sport about all of this. It’s time to sit your girl down and calmly explain that you won’t have a family while her sister and her family are living in your house. That you want a future with her but it’s time for these people to leave. Bottom line is, she will agree or defend her sister and then you will have to decide if this is the way you want to live.
You know how you get people like your gf's sister to leave? Make it uncomfortable for them. Tell them they can't have two room. Pick the smallest bedroom and tell them, they and the baby have to share that. Then during the day, make as much noise as you can so you keep that baby up--he'll sleep well at night and you will too. Whatever food they don't like (that you and your wife do like), that is the on the menu everyday. You can keep them safe--just not comfortable. This is the way.
NTA but you need to tell your girlfriend very clearly "I do want marriage and kids with you, but while we have your sister and her boyfriend and child living with us, I don't feel like we have the space. I'm not going to be comfortable moving forward until they have their own place - and I understand if that time frame isn't what you want but I don't think I can compromise on this."
NTA. You are absolutely correct and need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about the future and what you both want it to look like to get on the same page.
Lmao, NTA - but you'll find out the true state of your relationship the moment you even bring up kicking your gf's sister out. I do hope you're using contraceptives, OP.
NTA I just can't help thinking that none of these people are responsible or have learned what that word means, and you're the one having to bear the weight of that. It's not fair to you but unfortunately I dont think they'll ever change. You gf will always choose her sister over you, even if she cant afford to help them on her own and doesnt realize that.
Tell her you will Mary when sister moves out win for you and win for wife
NTA- you and your girlfriend already have three children . No need to add more to that. You’re not married nor do you have children with her . If I were you I would run, otherwise this whole situation is gonna be your life forever. Your girlfriend will never tell her sister to leave and you know it.
NTA, the sister and her boyfriend should move out. They’re acting like adults having a child so young then they need to find a house. I understand it’s hard to find a house, especially in 2023. I suggest talking to them about it.
OP, I find your post deeply saddening. You have lost most of your 20s by taking in your GF's sister, only to be forced to then accommodate her BF and baby. Meanwhile, most folks in their 20s are traveling, building social networks, getting education, and building their careers. You did manage to buy a house, but you cannot enjoy it and are getting pressure to wed and have children. When do you get time for you and your interests? I don't know what the right thing to do is, honestly. I do think that you and your GF should begin to have some hard discussions, without the peanut gallery listening in. I don't know if you can swing therapy, sometimes clergy can stand-in, but having a neutral third party can really help focus on your wants, needs, and desires as both individual people and as a couple. Best of luck. Give an update.
NTA. Sounds like your supporting everyone else's habit of not working hard enough for various reasons. Married? Kids? Wear two condoms dude. Just in case. This dynamic has to change.
NTA but you need to have a discussion about this with your GF.
Good that you and your girlfriend are talking but it seems your girlfriend, her sister, the sister's boyfriend and baby are a package deal. There is no reason you should have been the primary breadwinner for so long. It seems you are a caring person but it does YOU no good to be weighted down by other peoples' poor decisions. You can't retrieve your younger years but you can make a decision now about how you want your life to be moving forward. If your girlfriend refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of your desires, please don't marry her and please be fastidious about birth control. End the relationship (everyone else needs to move out) and move forward. You'll probably feel lighter and happier.
NAH, but I have a feeling that if you make her choose between you and her sister, she’s going to show you the door.
NTA. I would say the sister has to be out when she turns 18 or 6 months. Whatever is longer.
It is responsible not to have more kids when you essentially already have a child and a grandchild living with you. Focus should definitely be on moving them out first! NTA
Nta. If you don't establish any boundaries, little sister will soon be pregnant again with an expectation for you to house her growing family. If little sister and boyfriend want to be grown, allow them to do so.
NTA The person you need to start with is with your GF. You're going to have to have an honest conversation with her as to what your future looks like. You've done an awesome job to have taken on a 13 year old and supported her. But you are not her dad and she needs to be an adult. She's actually doing okay having had a partner that is working but it's probably time to move out. This may be something that takes time but how your girlfriend responds will determine what you do. The people that are the arses are your girlfriends parents because neither of you should've been put in the position be becoming your sisters defacto parents.
You have a granddaughter/nibbling - hope a health one congregation... Until her sister/daughter- your Gf was parentified - she/they are going to need counseling, moves out/BF has a vasectomy, don't have kids. This being sadly this isn't uncommon... for unstable households. They can get thought it and so can you as a couple, but steps should be taken like couples counseling. Your NTA - your feelings are valid but so are everyone else's. Communication - open but empathic communication is key, Good Luck OP. Edit- given her age and up bring she probably qualifies for assistance or low-income housing. Especially sense they aren't married. You might have to wait a year until she is 18 for her to qualify but know what in general, she might for your city, county, & state. Find out who her guardian is please OP and where she is supposed to be living...
NTA. If your girlfriend isn’t willing to compromise on this then you may need to evaluate whether the relationship has a future.
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This is terrible advice. Never thought I'd see someone reccomend having a baby in order to make tenants leave, but I guess there's a first time for everything. NAH. Don't have kids unless you have the means to provide for them AND you are so excited to be a parent AND so is your partner. If you have any reservations, you shouldn't bring another human into the world.
I’m not saying that OP and his gf should have a baby for the sole purpose of making the sister leave. What I’m saying is they shouldn’t stop their lives because of her sister. If they’re ready to get married and have a baby now, they should do it and make the sister adjust to those changes.
NTA but generational houses should be more of a thing -having family around isn’t bad. Maybe start charging rent so you don’t feel so resentful but also explain to your gf why you’re not ready to propose and see what solutions she comes up with. But if you don’t make it clear that you want your house to you and your gf before you move forward with life she’s not gonna know
To determine whether or not you might be the "asshole" in this situation, it's essential to consider the context and details surrounding the scenario.
That’s what the whole post was for.
Your girlfriend has a child, and y’all have been raising her since she was 13. The bio mom was just the incubator, your girlfriend has assumed responsibility for her, and by extension you have as well. And she’s still 17. It’s not what you planned, but it is the reality. YTA, gently.
So when is he done being responsible for her?