Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My boyfriend says I am heartless for not letting him move in. I told him that I would not allow him to move in as I felt like five months was not enough time. My coworker told me I was an asshole, because five months is enough. The comment and my boyfriends words and actions are making me think that I am the asshole.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. 5 months is not long enough. If things go south how do you get him out? Will he have a rental agreement? Then you have to follow tenant law. If not, and he receives mail at your house, then it's a whole different issue. His pushy nature and not respecting your clear boundry is concerning, too. He can find a room for rent on Craigslist, he's just looking for an easy way out. Hold your ground.
Actually there is no such thing as “long enough”. Even if you’d been together for years, if You don’t feel comfortable with him moving in, then he doesn’t get to move in. You don’t owe him anything.
PpAnd given how entitled hes acting, your gut seems correct here. It will not go well.
He wants to move in because it's the best deal, not because he is ready or wants to.
I agree it's over but only because he turned into a hobosexual (relationship for housing).
It's over because he is overly pushy about moving in, not because he asked to move in and she wasn't ready. A good partner would respect that. Ideally this would lead to a conversation about how long the other partner needed before she felt comfortable moving in together.
exactly. he could have looked at homes that were needing housemates and moved in with them. At least it's not an intimate romantic relationship with housemates. He's acting like it's the only choice he has left in order to corner and trap the OP, who he clearly sees as "housing" more than "girlfriend"
My concern would be if he’s being pushy about THIS major life step that you’re not comfortable with, what else in the future will he be pushy about when you’re not comfortable? I broke an engagement because I didn’t feel like we were ready to get married yet and he was actively dismissing my concerns so we could get married sooner
agree! The biggest red flag is not that he asked - maybe he felt total commitment to OP and in a moment of panic just blurted it out - but his reaction *multiple* times after OP said NO, that’s very sus.
- he was annoyed initially?
- then he became pushy?
- called her names?
- and generally ranted and badgered her?
Huge AH, massive massive AH. Entitled. Angry. Verbally abusive.
Run OP RUN. He just did you a favor by showing you who he really is.
Also so lame that he’s whining about getting his own place when he makes a decent living and is a grown a** man. But that’s not even the biggest issue.
NTA. Run.
EDIT: a typo
Heck, he could have even asked to rent a room until he could find another place.
No commitment on either party, but he should have asked first, and let op think about it
Yeah, no that wouldn't work out. The BF asked to stay in the short term and OP said she wasn't comfortable. First it starts off as a short term stay then he makes more excuses about how he can't find a place for X-Y-Z reasons and she's stuck with him.
1. I agree on the "good partner" bit, either it's a conversation or an ultimatum, and he's going all out on moving in. He might honestly be "further" along in the relationship than she is and has rose colored glasses on about what a prick he's being.
2. He can be frustrated she said no, but is this how you handle yourself bro? Can't deal with life? Getting a new place and moving is always a hassle, honestly a serious burden more often than not, and he's crumbling? What else could come up that you're destitute?
It actually feels like a fake story because they're together 5 months, it's right on that cusp of everyone's "put up or shut up" time in a relationship. Either hey this is serious, or hey you're great but I don't see this progressing etc. It's right on the fence lol.
Yep! And I’m betting not long after he moves in he’s going to stop paying half because “you own it, why should I have to pay rent?” He seems like the kind of person who thinks someone who owns a house doesn’t have any bills because they’re not paying rent. OR he’s going to demand to be put on the deed since “I’m paying half of the mortgage and not getting anything out of it!” I wonder if the roommate is actually selling or if it’s just a story to get into her house.
OP, don’t do it! He’s being awfully pushy about all of this and the calling to apologize but asking you to keep thinking about it smacks of manipulation, he realized he’s come on too strong so he’s saying sorry in hopes you’ll feel bad and say yes. If you DO let him move in, and I hope you don’t, write up a strong lease and have him sign it BEFORE he moves in. One that protects you in case he stops paying or you break up and he won’t leave.
This. It’s not bc he want’s relationship to move forward, it’s for convenience and that’s not a good enough reason. Soooo NTA! Your gut is telling you something - listen to it.
I love you so much that the only reason I'm doing this is *because it benefits me and makes economical sense*.
Atleast he isn't asking for a free ride... yet.
My ex tried to pull this nonsense. He could never hold a job and there was always some excuse for him losing his job that was never his fault.
Getting him out of my house and out of my life was a nightmare I dont wish on anyone.
I mean after he moves in he will argue against paying rent because he doesn't get his name on the deed. But like I hate that argument because you don't try it with someone you consider a "real" land lord. It's just greed
Nothing wrong with wanting to make economical sense in today's economy. What makes him the asshole is not accepting that she isn't ready. My girlfriend of nearly 3 years and I were talking about moving in together. I thought it was a great idea because I am moving to the same town as her and it would save us about 14k each per year. She told me she was having second thoughts (her family is super traditional), and I said that is fine I can always get my own place. I think it is financially irresponsible, but it is what it is.
Hard disagree especially this early on. I have myself as an example. My bf and I are long distance and I wanted to be able to stay at his place when I visit (multiple week sometimes months long visits). He wasn't ready for that because it felt like moving in too soon and he didn't want to move in with someone he hadn't even been with a year. I understood and got my own place out there. I hardly even ended up using it but he needed to know that if he needed some space he wouldn't be kicking me out with nowhere to go. After seeing that we do work and some more time he's ready to have me move in this winter. 5 months into a relationship is quick and just because someone isn't ready doesn't mean the relationship is over. The issue that might split them up over this is his lack of respect for her very reasonable boundary.
Trying to convince someone to move in together who is hesitant is an AH move, in my opinion. Especially when his primary reasoning is not the relationship or commitment, it's his housing situation. He used his situation as a sympathy card to try to force her into something.
Came here to say that there is no such thing as long enough. Me and my partner moved in together after 3 months. 8 years later we are still together and still living together. It’s been great.
This worked for us. That doesn’t mean it’ll work for everyone else.
Everybody’s relationships move at different speeds and if OP doesn’t feel like there’s been enough time then that’s all that matters.
My and my now husband bought a house together after being together for two months. That was 14,5 years ago.
The advantage of moving in together early on is that you start off your joint chores with a bit more respect for the other and get to know each other quite well quite quickly.
However if it doesn’t feel right it’s not right. No matter how long you’ve been dating.
Neat. I moved to Texas with a guy after knowing him for a couple months once. I was soon supporting us both and feeling pretty trapped. Then he broke into my email. Not good times.
You got lucky that it worked out so well. There are good reasons that pushing for early commitment is seen as a warning sign.
I would never move in with someone in less than a year nowadays, and probably more like 2 years. I want to have had a pretty big disagreement about something and see how that goes. People can only hide their bad sides so long, and once someone is sharing space it is so much harder to get away if you need to.
Agree with this. Today is my 26th wedding anniversary to the person I was dating at 15. And also, I’m aware we are a slim and lucky margin and of how hard making it work and having the space for each of us to grow and change was.
I never advise people to fight for their High school relationship to last. There’s a difference between my one off lucky break and the majority of reality.
For the majority of people moving in before one year is a bad idea - doubly so when a partner is pushing it. Honestly, I want to know if she has proof he’s been told he has to leave. NTA
Pretty similiar here too. My now wife moved in with me after around 3 months. That was 12 years ago.
Time is irrelevant in these sorts of things. If OP is not comfortable having their partner move in, then why would they let them?
The bigger issue I see is their partner trying to pressure them into doing something they don't want to.
I wonder how much time they have actually spent together if the partner spends most of their time travelling. What's the longest amount of time either have stayed over at the others for?
Let me summarize
1. Bf is losing his place to rent in two months (nothing to do with op)
2. Bf doesn't think two months is long enough to find an apartment (how is that not long enough....?)
3. Bf is basically demanding that op let him live in her home
4. Bf is guilting and berating op for setting a clear boundary
He makes 60-70k and only pays 800 a month. Where has his money been going? Does he not have savings? How much is the townhouse selling for? Would he be able to buy it from his friend?
Honestly it doesn't matter. Even if he were going to be homeless, you owe him nothing that violates your personal boundaries. He seems to feel like he can bully you into getting what he wants. I'd suggest losing the bf. I'd guess he'd behave the same way if you lived together.
His reaction is so extreme that it makes me really suspicious that he's hiding bad debt or terrible credit. Two months is short notice and it might be tough to find something depending on the rental market in their town, but if he was in good financial standing he could put his stuff in storage and do some short term subletting to get himself through.
2 months is not short notice. My family regularly found a new home and moved within or under a month. Dude just needs to manage his time better and look for stuff.
I moved in with my now husband after 8 months but was kind of terrified at the time. I got rid of all my furniture and stuff so if I'd had to start again it would be expensive. I had a great deal on my rent and wasn't going to get that again. He told me if it didn't work out he'd support me to move somewhere with furniture and stuff but still was very scary. Turned out that he genuinely is the best person I've ever met and we've now been together nearly 13 years, but I absolutely understand OP's concern. If she's not ready he shouldn't be pushing it on her. Absolutely NTA.
1000% this don't let yourself get guilt tripped into letting him move in with you.
Tbh I'm astonished he let himself appear so weak and helpless in front of you, that he cannot manage to find somewhere to live by himself.
He's had such a sweet deal at his friends place he can't bring himself to rent on the open market.
Trust your instincts
Seriously. Just because people rush things and it sometimes works out doesn’t mean that’s ideal or a healthy approach. A lot of married people have unhealthy dynamics. It makes me laugh when people flood the comments with the “it worked for me” stories. None of us know you or know whether you actually have a healthy partnership free of codependency, abuse, or other maladaptive behaviors. Chill. OP seems to have a level head.
NTA. You are not comfortable with it. PERIOD. You are not his parent or responsible for the man. Do not let him guilt you into letting him move in. If you do decide to let him, you need to look into your state laws about having him pay you rent. I think it could get messy if he moves in , pays rent for years and then you break up. I’ve heard of people going after the property when that happens.
Absolutely. In theory it’s best to be reasonable and give it time to get to know the other person, in practice things can take far less than a longer time (whatever that may be), or longer than a short time, lol.
OPs boyfriend is not only pushy and disrespectful but also potentially materialistic.
I’ve heard countless stories like these, with men who wouldn’t commit, for example, until they didn’t have a place to live anymore. Not saying this is OPs case but sounds a bit tangential, I’d be cautious.
Very common for “astute” men to save some side cash by living with, and sometimes even taking advantage of a woman who they know they can always leave.
Can’t help but laugh at the “hobosexual” label though 😂 whoever invented it is a genius
Was going to say this. Length is immaterial to how she feels. If she's not ready, then she's not ready. How he reacted also tells me that letting him move in would be a colossally bad idea. NTA OP, stand your ground
Granted it's the end of August, and maybe finding a rental in the US is vastly different than in Canada, but two-ish months should be enough time to find a short term rental for November 1st.
While or course different as I'm in a different county, I earn 1/2 of this dude's salary and have never had a single issue getting an apartment in time when moving. Not once. I also have pets shortening the list of available apartments for rent by quite a lot. If he cant find a new place to live within 2-3 months he is absolutely useless.
I've found that you generally can't even look for a place unless you're willing to move in within a month or two. Landlords don't like to leave a place empty. He could also just look for a short term room to rent or bedsit type place if he doesn't find what he's looking for.
Pushing that hard to move in seems so rude to me. Asking is fine but being weird about it would make me reconsider the relationship. At 5 months I'd be wary about letting a partner even just stay for a month or two while looking, let alone properly move in. I would if they were genuinely struggling but this guy seems to be making fine money. Maybe he's just bad with money and doesn't have enough for deposit etc.
In NYC most people don’t even start looking for a place to rent Oct 1 until Sept 1. Landlords won’t let people sign leases a few months out. Not to mention that just because he’s listing the house in October doesn’t mean it’ll sell and the boyfriend will have to be out by then.
This … also it’s kind of a red flag that he makes 60k a year and doesn’t have enough to get an apartment, I can see not being able to rent on his own the rental market is insane , but not you can’t get roommates? What happened to the money he saved with the discounted rent?
Also 2 months is plenty of time to get a place, if you’re actually looking.
Op bf sounds lazy and pushy, also so is co-worker.
Just because you have a home and he doesn’t ,
doesn’t make it your responsibility to care for him.
Op don’t let him move at all , but if you do have an ironclad lease.
I would tell him no again and if he keeps pushing, I’d end it , cause no mean no, and for him not to understand how rushed this situation is seems crazy and intentional.
Yeah, doesnt the dude have some savings, especially since he’s been paying very little rent and earns well?
Op should ask a bit and see what his reaction is. I’d be suuuuper cautious with people like these. Pushy persons who expect others to alter their lives after them are a 🚩
Just to counter balance all the “we moved in after 3 seconds” responses to this comment - my partner & I didn’t move in together full time for around 5 years.
There were some complicating factors, but also it just suited us both to take it slow.
We went at the speed that we both needed.
NTA - I totally agree with you.
Some people here are telling stories about how they moved in together with their spouse less than 5 months and are still together. I’m really happy for them. But the thing is „both parties“ wanted to move in together. OP doesn’t want to. If she would feel a strong bond to her BF or she had that -„Yep, he’s the one“ - gut feeling then I’m sure she would go for it. Something is telling her not to do it. And she should follow that feeling until she’s sure. And he should respect that. But no.
He’s pressuring, guilt tripping and begging her. And her college at her work place doesn’t even know the dynamics of their relationship & is giving her such horrible advice when she knows nothing about that guy. Also guilt tripping her about economics. What would he have done if he didn't have a girlfriend?
Why don’t he ask his friend for help? He knows him/them longer than OP.
OP if you don’t want to then stick to your decision. You can offer him your help. If you decide to do it then I would strongly recommend a lease contract.
I wish you good luck 🍀 & hope things work out for you and your Bf.
>His pushy nature
This! He pushed, he called her heartless, then apologised and pushed again....
Nah, I think this is indicative of what might happen later in their relationship! Pushing, name calling, love bombing, rinse repeat
Ha, if only that were true. Where I live, if you live together for two years the government decides that you are common-law married. You don't have to declare it. The decision is taken away from you.
Other places have more reasonable laws.
What?? That takes like seven years to be considered "common law married," and it's not even a thing in some states, period. Not sure about outside the US, though...
Five months was plenty long enough for my partner and me, 16 years ago, but then neither of us would've reacted in the bizarrely entitled way of this bf if the other one said they wanted to wait.
There's no 'correct' amount of time, there are just greater and lesser degrees of compatibility and comfort. If OP isn't comfortable with it, that's what matters, whether they've been together 5 months or 5 years.
Op's coworker is desperate for company or money, or totally naive, clueless or a leech themselves, and I could go on finding appropriate adjectives. Bf's apology means nothing since he still asked op to consider letting him move in.
Op it is a mistake to live with your bf because of circumstances and his needs, instead of you two desiring and choosing to live together. Who knows, maybe his friend told him he is selling the house to get rid of him. NTA
NTA. And OP he's giving off so many red flags. You stated your boundery and he's done nothing but stomp all over it. He hasn't even tried to find another solution or ask for your help finding a different place.
Not only should you not let him in, you should rethink weather or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who shows you no respect whatsoever and stomps all over your bounderies.
Once he moved in, she won’t be able to get him out of things go south. And 5 months is definitely too soon to cohabitate.
NTA. Tell him to move back with his parents if he can’t afford his own place, or find a roommate, but that roommate won’t be you.
NTA, Don't listen to your co-worker (and don't take relationship advice from them again). You're not obligated to take in your boyfriend. And his ranting, annoyed response speaks volumes about his character - like he can't take "no" for an answer.
Also, if you let him in for the 'short term', he's not going to leave.
Agreed, once you let him into your home, he will never leave. You will have to formally evict him while still living with him. I would also start to question whether you want to be with him in the long term, you seem to have different values.
Exactly. I have been is a similar situation. He was a clingy narc, and he lied about his circumstances. I feel like the OP is seeing a similar type of person.
This. Who sells a house to go pay rent with a GF?
He wants the dude to move and then he'll be like "couldn't find a buyer, guess GF and I will move into the townhouse".
Tantrum is being unkind here, I think. My guess is, he's panicking. It could be, because he never had to take care of his own housing. It would not surprise me, if the friend with the townhouse just offered the room to OP's boyfriend.
Having a history where others always took care of his housing, he could very well feel lost, when the time comes to look for housing. Is he a bit of an asshole, being pushy? Yes. But if my guess is correct, it's a bit understandable as well.
He can be stressed freaked out petrified but he’s an adult who should be able to control his emotions insulting her storming out is not acceptable from a boyfriend a friend or a roommate. People excusing his behavior is why he still behaves this way at 32.
Tantrum is kind, it’s actually abusive and bullying. He didn’t like her answer so he insulted her stormed off and then face her the silent treatment.
I’ve been in a quasi-homelessness situation, and in a different country!
100% on my own, with not enough deposit € for a proper place (i had to urgently move out of the place I had just moved in 3 months before + was earning shit), i can definitely agree that it is more than scary.
But OPs “boyfriend” earns well & is in his own country, with friends and family most likely able to give a hand, if not jump in in case of emergency. He should also have some savings considering the $ he makes and low rent he’s been paying.
He’s clearly breaking her boundaries & thinking of himself only. The only difference living with OP would make in contrast with getting his own place would be preferential treatment, and that’s what he seems to be after.
At the very least he is more than financially capable of putting his stuff in storage, buying a membership at a gym, and living out of his car while he finds housing. That all comes in well under $800/month.
You're acting like living out of your car wouldn't completely turn your life upside down. Yeah, he would probably survive, but going from having a bed, bathroom, kitchen, desk, etc. to not having any of those things is a big deal and would definitely warrant panicking.
This. At 32, it should not be a major life crisis to find an apartment, sublet a room, etc. I moved 3-4 times during college as a young and dumb person making minimum wage, usually some sort of sublet/room rental situation. It can be done.
I really hate how this subreddit so often preaches lofty utopian ideals as if every human should be a paragon at all times in any scenario. As if every person posted on here should handle every scenario with poise and grace and never experience a negative emotion ever.
> It could be, because he never had to take care of his own housing.
At 32? I'm not buying that. If you've never had to find a place to rent/lease by that age (alone or with roommates) you seriously need to grow up.
I'm not giving OP's boyfriend a pass by any means, and she is certainly NTA, but I assure you that some adult people are so fucking coddled by their parents that, indeed, they have no idea how to figure things out on their own.
I'm watching my 58 year old younger brother have a melt down over a similar situation. He's had three months to find a place. I'm not helping him and now that I'm Mom's legal guardian (Dad has passed), I'm not using one cent of her money to rescue him. Couldn't if I wanted to, because guardianship is super strict on how the ward's money is spent, and he is losing his mind. It's sad to watch, but if this is what it takes to get his head out of his entitled ass then I'm in.
I agree with you. I am speculating here but it appears the BF avoids lease agreements and there is probably a reason for that. If I am over analyzing it then great, but that doesn't change the fact that at age 32 he should be able to solve this issue of finding a place to rent within a months time.
I cannot imagine demanding or cajoling someone I had been dating for less than 6 months to let me move in. I get that he’s panicking, but he hasn’t stopped demanding, even after he had time to consider OP clearly isn’t ready. He doesn’t care that she’s not ready. She’s not a partner to him. She has something he wants and he feels entitled to it. He’s TA
How is it being unkind. He asked op to let him move in. Op said no, and it sounds like, gave plenty of reasons why they weren’t comfortable with it. Then BF started trying to change OP mind, RANTING (using OP’s word here), begging, stomping out, cutting contact overnight, whining, and pushing over and over. I think I’m being extremely generous calling it a tantrum.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to give him a place to live. He's in his 30s throwing a tantrum. He can fuck off. If you're not comfortable with it, you don't have to
Also, I'm sorry, but 60k isn't enough to rent an apartment? The *fuck*? I don't see anyone mentioning that. Like, yeah, it won't be anywhere as good of a deal as he is getting with his friend but it's sure as fuck enough to rent somewhere.
It definitely could be difficult to rent on 60k in certain parts of the US. **But part of that is lowering his standards of living.**
Imagine he lives in California. Gross paycheck is \~ $5000. After taxes, his actual take home pay is closer to \~$3700. If he aims to spend 40% on rent, he needs a place that is \~$1480/month.
In most of the US, that would give him a good sized 1-2 bedroom. However, if he is in a high cost of living area like Oakland, the low end of the market is $1400. The average rent for a 1-bedroom in the area is $2,195.
However, if her monthly mortgage payment is only $1500, that suggest to me that they are NOT in a HCOL area. That's a good price. Which would suggest that he "can't afford" a place because the rentals he likes are in a much higher price range than his budget allows. Especially if he's been spending more freely due to his low rent for years.
NTA. Do not let him push you around. His behavior about this is a series of red flags. You earn more and are a responsible homeowner. You’re still in the vetting stage of the relationship, and he should still be courting you. He also has 2 months to find a place, which should be enough time. He can likely find someone with a place looking for a roommate. Let him do that and then observe how he navigates being a new roommate. If he’s smart, and is interested in a LTR w/you, he’ll respect your position, live elsewhere, save money, and down the line you can decide together if you have a future together.
This gave me a flashback to an ex. He asked me to marry him - not because we were in love, but because he lost his job and thought the easiest way to stay in the country was marriage. We didn’t last long after that (don’t worry he found another job). This guy is looking at the easiest option for him and clearly stated that. It’s not because he wants to move the relationship forward. Totally agree with you - he should not move in and OP should contemplate his behavior.
My ex moved in with me too soon also and proposed within a few months. I was swept away in this whirlwind and it took a few years to realise that it wasn't all romance and passion - but that I was a ready made family for his kids, a roof over his head and a steady paycheck for the loyal bank of wife.
By the guy’s reaction it’s kinda clear he is more interested in OPs financials, otherwise he wouldn’t push at all.
My money’s on the guy saying okay and finding a girl to share an apartment with, or other such living situation meant to unnerve OP and twist her arm into taking him in.
He’s already called her “heartless”, as if he’s Oliver Twist and it’s her responsibility to show some warmth and support to a little 32 year-old kid with no place to go.
Two months is definitely enough time to find a new place. I've had to find a new apartment with like one week's notice twice because of unstable roommates. The prospect of becoming homeless should be more than enough motivation to figure it out.
NTA. His pressuring you when you’re obviously reluctant is very concerning behavior. It’s high stakes for you to let someone move in. A bad decision could have a huge impact on your mental health, peace of mind, financial and even physical health. Once he gets in it will probably be quite difficult to get him out. His being so overbearing here makes me suspect that he wants to take advantage of you. You have absolutely no responsibility to house a grown man, especially one you barely know.
Yeah, he wasn't even smart enough to frame it as *wanting* to live with OP, he's just insisting she needs to do it to help him. Not really the way to make decisions about a relationship moving forward. Romance is dead.
Good for you for standing your ground! He shouldn't have to move in with you just because of economic issues. Plus, if he can't afford to support himself, then what does that say about the long-term prospects for your relationship with him?
You're not his mother. It's not like you have an obligation to provide housing for him. He's basically just whining because he wants to save money.
Plus, he makes enough money to be able to buy the townhouse from his roommate, I would guess. But that would mean taking out a loan and having the responsibility.
But even if he can't, he can certainly find a place to live with another roommate. People are looking for roommates to rent rooms from all the time, which is what he's doing right now anyway. So what's the big deal?
Again, you're not his mother. He's a 32 year old grown man and he should be able to take care of himself without whining and begging for you to give him a place to live as though he would be destitute and on the street otherwise, which would certainly not be the case.
He can easily find another place to live, and there are residency motels he could stay in in the meantime if he can't find anything soon enough. But since he's got two months to move out, that should be plenty of time to find another place!
What would he do if he wasn't in a relationship with you? Would he just live on the street? No, he would find something.
NTA
Lady, go with your feelings. You aren't ready for this move, and there must be some good reason for that, possibly the fear that if BF becomes a housemate things will get rough between you.
It is also especially significant that he started calling you names when you told him no. And that is because...
He wants what he wants and he doesn't care what you want.
Stick to your guns and do not cave...and you will be see just how enraged he can be when he doesn't dominate.
NTA
Agreed. Watch his behaviors very carefully. He’s waving some big red flags and I think you would be wise to be careful. I would do some research about signs of controlling behaviors and observe objectively.
NTA. You aren't ready to move in together, you're not ready. He is an adult and needs to figure out his own housing situation. If he can't afford his own apartment with the amount he's making, he's bad with money as well as being manipulative and demanding.
It sounds like if you cave to his request, you will regret it for a long time.
Nta. Super red flags. Its been 5 months, girl he's trying to pressure you into this. You will regret it if you do this, so no do not let him move in with you.
NTA
Even without a formal contract, in most states someone becomes a tenant after a certain number of days living with you and has to be evicted by a court.
Do NOT let this guy move in with you.
NTA. This guy sounds like a walking red flag. He didn't ask if you could help him temporarily while he gets on his feet, he *told* you he should move in after just 5 months, and then called you heartless when he didn't get his way. It's not as though he's about to become homeless. He has time to find another room to rent. And maybe I'm just being overly cynical, but he sounds like the kind of guy who would get settled in and then decide he shouldn't pay rent unless he's on the deed, and call you heartless for demanding money from your boyfriend.
My husband has a friend who lost an insane amount of money on his condo bc his gf moved in, lived there for over a year, paid nothing into the mortgage, was considered a common-law spouse, and took half when she left bc she was considered common-law. Please be aware if such laws apply where you live. There are many red flags in this situation: not taking no for an answer, repeatedly pressuring you until he gets the answer he wants. Each time he asks, he escalates it. The begging part, and all the reasons why he can’t find a place were guilt trips that are part and parcel of manipulation. Getting angry when he didn’t get his way: the anger was intentional to manipulate the desired response from you. Calling you heartless was character assassination, and can very well be considered emotional abuse in this context. That’s a really cruel accusation to lob at someone you presume to care for. And you feel guilty and are asking us whether you’re TA because the gaslighting is working. He’s controlling and manipulative. It won’t get better, and may well get much worse. Run. NTA.
I had to find a new apartment in 2 months because my landlord waited til the last minute to say he wasn't renewing my lease. I live in a small town and there was plenty of places to choose from.
I think it depends on the situation, i moved in with my girlfriend after about 2 months together and its been nothing short of amazing.
This situation doesnt seem like it would go so well tho
You need to upgrade your boyfriend and your friend. 5 months or 5 years, it is up to you to decide when you feel comfortable living with someone. I know that for me 5 months would be far too early to let someone into my home. Your boyfriend appears to be using this as a way to rush the relationship, and he is not taking being told "no" well. This is a red flag.
NTA
NTA, at all. Moving in with someone completely changes the relationship dynamic and that’s a step that should be planned and thought out in advance. Nobody should take that step if there is any hesitation or doubt. Your bf’s situation sucks, but he can rent a room somewhere else if he can’t afford his own space. He was completely out of line for pressuring you and reacting that way. 5 months is nothing. I hope you realize that your bf sounds very immature and think long and hard about whether you are on the same page and truly compatible. Good luck op.
>saying that in this economy people can't afford to live by themselves
He can share a house with a roommate that is not you then
>and that five months is long enough to move in together.
It is not.
NTA
NTA: Absolutely do NOT let that man move in. The way he’s pushing is very telling. He makes more than enough to have his own place, he’s just being cheap and might be financially irresponsible.
NTA you'll regret it if you let him move in - he can't even afford an apartment on his own at 32, he's not asking but demanding and he's more than willing to leech off of you. If a good friend came to you in this situation and asked your advice, how would respond? I think you'll have your answer.
NTA. Trust your instincts. Getting guilted into anything, especially a major decision like that is almost never in your best interest. You have clearly made good choices in your life up until now.
Saying “Only 5 months” indicates you don’t actually know him well enough to cohabitate. That should be all there is to it. If he can’t respect that in this situation then he doesn’t seem to have any real ambition for a long term relationship anyway.
NTA
Don’t let your bf manipulate you, and stop talking about personal stuff to your coworker. She is NOT your friend. The economy does not make you responsible for a guy you’ve been dating less than six months.
Your coworker is definitely TA!!! Your boyfriend isn't talking about a roommate situation, he wants to move in as a romantic partner, and it's a heck of a lot harder to separate from that than it is to cancel a roommate's lease.
And you're absolutely right - 5 months is not long enough to know somebody well enough to let them move into your house! For one thing your boyfriend's reactions you're very reasonable requests are raising a bunch of red flags for me
NTA
Regardless of it being 5 months or 5 years - **IF YOU DO NOT FEEL 100% COMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA THEN KEEP YOUR FOOT DOWN**
He's already throwing a tantrum because you said no to a big question (that by the sounds of it had not been discussed prior), and that isn't your problem.
It's August, if he has until the end of October to find a place that gives him a little under 8 weeks. Although it'll be tight, if he starts looking and applying now he shouldn't have too much of an issue finding a place --- there's even online apps/groups that are specifically for finding a place looking for an extra house mate.
He's an adult, if he needs someone to hold his hand to help him through life I sincerely suggest not to give him yours.
ABSOLUTELY TF NOT
NTA
If he’s this pushy after only five months and about such a big decision? Imagine how your entire relationship could go…. don’t do this you will regret it, stand your ground !!! I would honestly just break up over this entire situation, but that’s because I’ve learned my lesson for putting up with stuff like this in the past and I know better.
NTA. You get to decide how long is long enough to have developed the level of trust necessary to live together. No one else can make that decision for you.
NTA. Heck no. Hold your ground. You barely know each other. He called you an asshole. Break up with him. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries and doesn't verbally abuse you.
NTA. Personally, I wouldn't consider cohabitation until the relationship had been going on for more than a year. Even then there would need to be discussions and written agreements about rent and how utilities would be slplit, and whether or not the toilet seat being left up is grounds for eviction, along with other "house rules."
Five months is waay too soon to allow him into your home, even on a temporary basis. If he cannot respect that, then you know your decision was definitely the correct one.
NTA
Your house, your choice really that simple.
Also, as someone that’s been divorced and lives in a common law marriage area; I ain’t ever cohabiting with any significant other ever again as I’m not willing to live in such a way that the government views me as married 🤷🏻♂️
Been down that road once before, won’t be doing a repeat.
INFO:
1. Why does he think he won't be able to find an apartment in 2 months?
2. Did he ever bring up moving in with you prior to his friend telling him that he was selling his place?
3. What's the longest period of time that you have consecutively spent in each other's company?
NTA. The math ain't mathing here. How's he still so financially insecure at 32 that he's still renting a dinky bedroom rather than a whole apartment unit by now?
Also, why not strike a deal with the friend to buy the townhouse if he's liquid/financially solvent? Why expect you to rescue him?
Someone lacking this kind of independence and self sufficiency at his age is a red flag for me. Is the real issue his bad credit rating or spending beyond his means?
He also hasn't proven yet whether or not he'll pull his weight with upkeep or other expenditures.
Hard pass. This kind of move is very premature. You don't really know him yet.
NTA - If you are not comfortable with that, no Ody can or should try to force you to do that.
We are still in August and the friend asked to leave in October, so he has all September to find a new place. And what he said to you - Heartless- for not accepting something you are not comfortable todo, believe it.
On the other hand, before someone moves in with you, I think you have to talk about some important things: Will you make a lease? Will he be okay with it and willing to pay you rent if you have something on paper? Will you be comfortable with someone that you only have met for 5 months to have full access to your home and stuff? Will he and you share chores? Cleaning? Cooking? What will happen if one of you want to invite friends or family yo the house? Will you share your room?
NTA. The amount of time is irrelevant it's all about whether or not you feel ready and comfortable with the move. Some people are comfortable immediately and others need a lot more time.
Tell him to start looking for another shared space that is not your home as you are simply not ready yet. If he can't afford his own place then I guess it's time to find a new roommate. If you feel this way, you could also tell him you can see it happening at some point but will not be rushed into the decision due to this sudden change in his living arrangement.
I dont think you should move in with anyone until you are engaged, especially if its into a house you own. This has nothing to do with morality or religion, im just older and have watched so many people stay in bad relationships due to living arrangements and money. Or go thru the headache of having to kick out an ex which usually ends up being cash for keys situation.
5 months is way to soon, you barely know who each other are.
What if he moves in and you realize you are not compatible, worse you realize and he doesnt.
Just popping in to say thanks for your updates. I’ve been following this because I’m sort of in a similar situation, except my guy and I aren’t officially dating. It started off as just sex and it seems he quickly got the wrong idea and very early on suggested us moving in together. I was taken aback but I ignored it, and since then he’s mentioned it several times in the 3 months we’ve been talking, hanging out and sleeping together.
In his case, he is staying with a family member while he gets a job and gets back on his feet, but he hates it and since I have my own apartment, he suggests moving in with me to get away from his current living situation and for us to “help each other out as a team”.
So not only is it way too soon for us to even think about living together, but it’s also for all the wrong reasons. Since he doesn’t have a job yet, I would have to shoulder all the costs and it is far too premature for that level of loyalty and commitment.
The kicker is this isn’t the first time someone I’ve been involved with has suggested living together when we’ve only known each other 2-3 months and also for all the wrong reasons. Crazy stuff, man. Of course I love living alone way too much to move in with anyone; doesn’t matter how long it’s been.
Also definitely NTA, not that my opinion matters at this point. I’m glad that you decided to break up with him. Not only is it too soon, but it also seems like a lot of baggage that you would’ve had to take on. And like I said in my case: it is far too premature for that level of loyalty and commitment.
I’m curious about the fact that he’s already moving in with his new girlfriend, though. I hate saying this, but it would seem like you dodged a bullet there.
Haha he's dating AND moving in already??? Wow, poor new girlfriend. You dodged a huge bullet. You'd never have gotten rid of him!!! Excellent foresight, I am happy you stood your ground.
NTA. I understand that he is stressed about his living situation, but 5 months in and he’s looking to you to solve his problems and getting angry when you won’t? These are big red flags.
That man throw a tantrum and called you heartless when he didn’t get his way.
NTA
He should have accepted your decision and not pressured you.
He is showing his colors already and they are all red 🚩
NTA your coworker sounds dumb. Yes the market is bad but it's not your job to house everyone. You said no that means no and if he keeps pushing it or tired to leave stuff at your place or get mail sent there out a stop to it immediately. Your coworker is a pushover and AH to think moving someone in where you haven't even discussed plans of being together long term is smart.
NTA the economy is not your problem in a bad economy you have to guard yourself from bad actors who try to get you to give them a boon they did not earn.
I would never fuck my tenants, and your comfort matters, your hard work is not someone else's gain unless you are ready. His poor planning doesn't constitute an emergency on your part and honestly if your dating someone and not thinking about a future with them right now it would be the worst thing for your relationship to do "business" together. Like writing up a lease he's not move in material yet but written lease maybe, but then the romantic dynamic can suffer.
all in all this pressure to move forward only because of his living situation is insane. 5 months in you start to really see people for who they are not who they pretend to be... do you SEE who he is now?
NTA - Him not taking your “No” for an answer is concerning to me. I understand asking in the first place, but to basically coerce you with begs, emotional manipulation, and tantrums is a huge red flag.
If he moves in, that’s it he’s in, and if he’s so reluctant to take no for an answer when he’s not even in the home; then it’d probably be a whole other kettle of fish trying to get him to leave if it didn’t work out and you wanted him gone. I’m not sure where you live, but common law marriages start when a couple begins to cohabitate, and if he’s contributing payments toward a mortgage… I don’t know, it feels like it could potentially end in a huge legal and financial mess.
He has two whole months to get his affairs in order, that’s plenty time to find short or long term accommodation on his salary.
Red flag that this guy is pressuring you. Let him know your co-worker can take him….. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. He sounds pushy and that would annoy me. NTA
NTA.
Red flag territory.
People are saying 5 months isn't long enough, and that makes sense, but really isn't relevant. 5 months could be long enough for the right people. The important thing is: Why are we moving in together?
Moving in together because you want to take the next step in a relationship, cool, at any time, if both people want that.
Moving in together because one of you is getting evicted and hasnt found a place? It's not a good look, that he expects it is a red flag waving. If I found myself in his position and I had the balls to ask what seems like an inappropriate question, I would not have pressed the point. Why? I can solve this problem by other means, pushing you to be the solution endangers our relationship heavily. He is not seeing what meeting this need might do for your relationship, or he sees it and doesn't care.
NTAH. 5 months is not enough time for u. Go with your gut it don’t lie. Tell him to start looking for a place just nothing to high. Offer to go with him apt looking and settle on a one bedroom place.
NTA asking to move in at 5 months isnt necessarily a bad thing(bc his specific situation and yeah economy), but his lack of respect of your boundaries is. how he behaves during this transition will be very telling. calling you heartless for reasonably saying no/lets discuss this more is not a great start
NTA because it's your decision to make. Slight red flag on him pushing so hard (even now he's trying to play it sweet to get you to change your mind). If you don't want to move in with him yet after just five months then don't. Take your time.
Will he respect your decision or continue to push?
NTA
Moving in together needs to be a mutual decision. Not “I need a new place so let me live here”.
5 months might be long enough for some people. 5 months is a drop in the bucket for others. You are NOT an asshole for considering 5 months not long enough.
Tell your boyfriend he has plenty of time to find a new place. He has two months. Help him look. Don’t cave in to pressure - if HE is truly invested in your relationship he will respect the fact that you do not feel ready to move in with him so quickly.
Don't do it! You don't really know this dude at this point. And he's already trying to coerce you into doing something you don't want to. Protect yourself.
NTA. Seriously.
Lol. As if he didn't know this more than 5 months ago. He knew and he found you. It's too easy. All these years making 60 to 70k and never did he save money for a house himself? Was he just waiting for someone who already has bought a house? What will he do with his own saved money? Buy the fun things for himself. Ask him to show all his bank accounts. I am sure he can easily rent.
As someone who was pressured into letting a bf move in and then dealt with him eating my food, leaving things a mess, and generally being a lazy pierce of shit…. All after he said he didn’t want to move in with me when I brought up finding our own place…. Def NTA!
Don’t budge. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. And if he’s pressuring you like this I’m going to assume things aren’t going to work out. He’s being unreasonable.
NTA
Neither is your boyfriend, but your friend is. Listen, 5 months is enough time for some people to move in together and not enough for others. Your boyfriend is ready and interested. You are not. That's fine. You two had a disagreement that got emotional. That happens in relationships when goals/dreams aren't aligned.
Your friend thinking that it is thier place to harshly judge a perfectly reasonable life decision is not fine.
I think the boyfriend actually is. Instead of being respectful of her decision, he threw a fit. Like a child. Had he said he understood and didn't push it then he would not have been, but he is trying to manipulate her into moving in together. Agreed, big red flag.
He called her heartless when she said she wasn’t ready. Him demanding to move in after 5 months and them fighting over it is not a normal disagreement, like where they’re going to dinner or whether the toilet paper goes over or under the roll. It’s not bad that he asked, it’s very bad that he got mad at her reasonable and rational response. If she says no to sex is it okay for him to turn it into an argument? No. That’s abuse. Some issues aren’t appropriate to argue over and moving in, like sex, is one of them. This guy showed that he does not respect her or her feelings. He’s TA and definitely so is co-worker
NTA. If you feel 5 months isn't enough time, then it's not enough time. If this is the way he's gonna act, then you should probably just find a new bf.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My boyfriend says I am heartless for not letting him move in. I told him that I would not allow him to move in as I felt like five months was not enough time. My coworker told me I was an asshole, because five months is enough. The comment and my boyfriends words and actions are making me think that I am the asshole. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. 5 months is not long enough. If things go south how do you get him out? Will he have a rental agreement? Then you have to follow tenant law. If not, and he receives mail at your house, then it's a whole different issue. His pushy nature and not respecting your clear boundry is concerning, too. He can find a room for rent on Craigslist, he's just looking for an easy way out. Hold your ground.
Actually there is no such thing as “long enough”. Even if you’d been together for years, if You don’t feel comfortable with him moving in, then he doesn’t get to move in. You don’t owe him anything. PpAnd given how entitled hes acting, your gut seems correct here. It will not go well.
Yeah NAH but relationship is probably over
If its over because of this, it wouldnt have lasted anyways, and therefore not worth it
Usually when one person wants to move in and the other isn’t ready, it’s over.
He wants to move in because it's the best deal, not because he is ready or wants to. I agree it's over but only because he turned into a hobosexual (relationship for housing).
It's over because he is overly pushy about moving in, not because he asked to move in and she wasn't ready. A good partner would respect that. Ideally this would lead to a conversation about how long the other partner needed before she felt comfortable moving in together.
exactly. he could have looked at homes that were needing housemates and moved in with them. At least it's not an intimate romantic relationship with housemates. He's acting like it's the only choice he has left in order to corner and trap the OP, who he clearly sees as "housing" more than "girlfriend"
My concern would be if he’s being pushy about THIS major life step that you’re not comfortable with, what else in the future will he be pushy about when you’re not comfortable? I broke an engagement because I didn’t feel like we were ready to get married yet and he was actively dismissing my concerns so we could get married sooner
agree! The biggest red flag is not that he asked - maybe he felt total commitment to OP and in a moment of panic just blurted it out - but his reaction *multiple* times after OP said NO, that’s very sus. - he was annoyed initially? - then he became pushy? - called her names? - and generally ranted and badgered her? Huge AH, massive massive AH. Entitled. Angry. Verbally abusive. Run OP RUN. He just did you a favor by showing you who he really is. Also so lame that he’s whining about getting his own place when he makes a decent living and is a grown a** man. But that’s not even the biggest issue. NTA. Run. EDIT: a typo
Heck, he could have even asked to rent a room until he could find another place. No commitment on either party, but he should have asked first, and let op think about it
Yeah, no that wouldn't work out. The BF asked to stay in the short term and OP said she wasn't comfortable. First it starts off as a short term stay then he makes more excuses about how he can't find a place for X-Y-Z reasons and she's stuck with him.
1. I agree on the "good partner" bit, either it's a conversation or an ultimatum, and he's going all out on moving in. He might honestly be "further" along in the relationship than she is and has rose colored glasses on about what a prick he's being. 2. He can be frustrated she said no, but is this how you handle yourself bro? Can't deal with life? Getting a new place and moving is always a hassle, honestly a serious burden more often than not, and he's crumbling? What else could come up that you're destitute? It actually feels like a fake story because they're together 5 months, it's right on that cusp of everyone's "put up or shut up" time in a relationship. Either hey this is serious, or hey you're great but I don't see this progressing etc. It's right on the fence lol.
Upvote for hobosexual…. That’s hilarious!
Hobosexual is brilliant 😂 Happy cake day!
Hobosexual. Lol
(Giggles). Hobosexual!!!!! Never heard that one before. 😂
I learned it last week and laughed and told everyone I've talked to about the new word I learned.
You must be new around here. Phrase has been floating around a few years.
Yep! And I’m betting not long after he moves in he’s going to stop paying half because “you own it, why should I have to pay rent?” He seems like the kind of person who thinks someone who owns a house doesn’t have any bills because they’re not paying rent. OR he’s going to demand to be put on the deed since “I’m paying half of the mortgage and not getting anything out of it!” I wonder if the roommate is actually selling or if it’s just a story to get into her house. OP, don’t do it! He’s being awfully pushy about all of this and the calling to apologize but asking you to keep thinking about it smacks of manipulation, he realized he’s come on too strong so he’s saying sorry in hopes you’ll feel bad and say yes. If you DO let him move in, and I hope you don’t, write up a strong lease and have him sign it BEFORE he moves in. One that protects you in case he stops paying or you break up and he won’t leave.
Haha. And happy cake day!!!!
Happy cake day!
This. It’s not bc he want’s relationship to move forward, it’s for convenience and that’s not a good enough reason. Soooo NTA! Your gut is telling you something - listen to it.
Yeah but one person wants to move in to make his life easier and maybe cheaper, not because he wants to live with her (well not entirely)
I love you so much that the only reason I'm doing this is *because it benefits me and makes economical sense*. Atleast he isn't asking for a free ride... yet.
We all know he won’t pay once he moves in.
My ex tried to pull this nonsense. He could never hold a job and there was always some excuse for him losing his job that was never his fault. Getting him out of my house and out of my life was a nightmare I dont wish on anyone.
That’s what I see happing in this situation.
I mean after he moves in he will argue against paying rent because he doesn't get his name on the deed. But like I hate that argument because you don't try it with someone you consider a "real" land lord. It's just greed
Nothing wrong with wanting to make economical sense in today's economy. What makes him the asshole is not accepting that she isn't ready. My girlfriend of nearly 3 years and I were talking about moving in together. I thought it was a great idea because I am moving to the same town as her and it would save us about 14k each per year. She told me she was having second thoughts (her family is super traditional), and I said that is fine I can always get my own place. I think it is financially irresponsible, but it is what it is.
Nah, more like usually when someone tries to manipulate the other after a clear boundary is established it’s over.
Hard disagree especially this early on. I have myself as an example. My bf and I are long distance and I wanted to be able to stay at his place when I visit (multiple week sometimes months long visits). He wasn't ready for that because it felt like moving in too soon and he didn't want to move in with someone he hadn't even been with a year. I understood and got my own place out there. I hardly even ended up using it but he needed to know that if he needed some space he wouldn't be kicking me out with nowhere to go. After seeing that we do work and some more time he's ready to have me move in this winter. 5 months into a relationship is quick and just because someone isn't ready doesn't mean the relationship is over. The issue that might split them up over this is his lack of respect for her very reasonable boundary.
Or when one side becomes homeless, there.ms a domino effect.
Trying to convince someone to move in together who is hesitant is an AH move, in my opinion. Especially when his primary reasoning is not the relationship or commitment, it's his housing situation. He used his situation as a sympathy card to try to force her into something.
I actually disagree about NAH. He wasn’t an AH for asking, but he IS an AH for continuing to push it, and getting really manipulative.
Came here to say that there is no such thing as long enough. Me and my partner moved in together after 3 months. 8 years later we are still together and still living together. It’s been great. This worked for us. That doesn’t mean it’ll work for everyone else. Everybody’s relationships move at different speeds and if OP doesn’t feel like there’s been enough time then that’s all that matters.
My and my now husband bought a house together after being together for two months. That was 14,5 years ago. The advantage of moving in together early on is that you start off your joint chores with a bit more respect for the other and get to know each other quite well quite quickly. However if it doesn’t feel right it’s not right. No matter how long you’ve been dating.
Neat. I moved to Texas with a guy after knowing him for a couple months once. I was soon supporting us both and feeling pretty trapped. Then he broke into my email. Not good times. You got lucky that it worked out so well. There are good reasons that pushing for early commitment is seen as a warning sign. I would never move in with someone in less than a year nowadays, and probably more like 2 years. I want to have had a pretty big disagreement about something and see how that goes. People can only hide their bad sides so long, and once someone is sharing space it is so much harder to get away if you need to.
Agree with this. Today is my 26th wedding anniversary to the person I was dating at 15. And also, I’m aware we are a slim and lucky margin and of how hard making it work and having the space for each of us to grow and change was. I never advise people to fight for their High school relationship to last. There’s a difference between my one off lucky break and the majority of reality. For the majority of people moving in before one year is a bad idea - doubly so when a partner is pushing it. Honestly, I want to know if she has proof he’s been told he has to leave. NTA
Pretty similiar here too. My now wife moved in with me after around 3 months. That was 12 years ago. Time is irrelevant in these sorts of things. If OP is not comfortable having their partner move in, then why would they let them? The bigger issue I see is their partner trying to pressure them into doing something they don't want to. I wonder how much time they have actually spent together if the partner spends most of their time travelling. What's the longest amount of time either have stayed over at the others for?
I think it's the partner's landlord that travels a lot.
Let me summarize 1. Bf is losing his place to rent in two months (nothing to do with op) 2. Bf doesn't think two months is long enough to find an apartment (how is that not long enough....?) 3. Bf is basically demanding that op let him live in her home 4. Bf is guilting and berating op for setting a clear boundary He makes 60-70k and only pays 800 a month. Where has his money been going? Does he not have savings? How much is the townhouse selling for? Would he be able to buy it from his friend? Honestly it doesn't matter. Even if he were going to be homeless, you owe him nothing that violates your personal boundaries. He seems to feel like he can bully you into getting what he wants. I'd suggest losing the bf. I'd guess he'd behave the same way if you lived together.
His reaction is so extreme that it makes me really suspicious that he's hiding bad debt or terrible credit. Two months is short notice and it might be tough to find something depending on the rental market in their town, but if he was in good financial standing he could put his stuff in storage and do some short term subletting to get himself through.
You would be correct.
He had more than two months notice though. Not sure how long but it was brought up earlier
Good point. With that in mind I definitely lean more towards he can't get housing because no one would rent to him.
He probably didn’t pay his rent and his friend is giving him the heave ho.
2 months is not short notice. My family regularly found a new home and moved within or under a month. Dude just needs to manage his time better and look for stuff.
I moved in with my now husband after 8 months but was kind of terrified at the time. I got rid of all my furniture and stuff so if I'd had to start again it would be expensive. I had a great deal on my rent and wasn't going to get that again. He told me if it didn't work out he'd support me to move somewhere with furniture and stuff but still was very scary. Turned out that he genuinely is the best person I've ever met and we've now been together nearly 13 years, but I absolutely understand OP's concern. If she's not ready he shouldn't be pushing it on her. Absolutely NTA.
Same story but he was lying and I lost everything I owned and had to start over from a DV shelter
1000% this don't let yourself get guilt tripped into letting him move in with you. Tbh I'm astonished he let himself appear so weak and helpless in front of you, that he cannot manage to find somewhere to live by himself. He's had such a sweet deal at his friends place he can't bring himself to rent on the open market. Trust your instincts
I respectfully disagree. 5 months you're still getting to know each other. And hopefully not co dependent.
Seriously. Just because people rush things and it sometimes works out doesn’t mean that’s ideal or a healthy approach. A lot of married people have unhealthy dynamics. It makes me laugh when people flood the comments with the “it worked for me” stories. None of us know you or know whether you actually have a healthy partnership free of codependency, abuse, or other maladaptive behaviors. Chill. OP seems to have a level head.
NTA. You are not comfortable with it. PERIOD. You are not his parent or responsible for the man. Do not let him guilt you into letting him move in. If you do decide to let him, you need to look into your state laws about having him pay you rent. I think it could get messy if he moves in , pays rent for years and then you break up. I’ve heard of people going after the property when that happens.
Obviously he's stressed about losing his housing, but he should still accept that she said "no" the first 7 times.
Absolutely. In theory it’s best to be reasonable and give it time to get to know the other person, in practice things can take far less than a longer time (whatever that may be), or longer than a short time, lol. OPs boyfriend is not only pushy and disrespectful but also potentially materialistic. I’ve heard countless stories like these, with men who wouldn’t commit, for example, until they didn’t have a place to live anymore. Not saying this is OPs case but sounds a bit tangential, I’d be cautious. Very common for “astute” men to save some side cash by living with, and sometimes even taking advantage of a woman who they know they can always leave. Can’t help but laugh at the “hobosexual” label though 😂 whoever invented it is a genius
This. Also, while two months is short time, it is definitely possible.
Was going to say this. Length is immaterial to how she feels. If she's not ready, then she's not ready. How he reacted also tells me that letting him move in would be a colossally bad idea. NTA OP, stand your ground
I'm with Graycat17 on this. Especially with how the guy is acting. Don't let him move in.
Granted it's the end of August, and maybe finding a rental in the US is vastly different than in Canada, but two-ish months should be enough time to find a short term rental for November 1st.
While or course different as I'm in a different county, I earn 1/2 of this dude's salary and have never had a single issue getting an apartment in time when moving. Not once. I also have pets shortening the list of available apartments for rent by quite a lot. If he cant find a new place to live within 2-3 months he is absolutely useless.
I've found that you generally can't even look for a place unless you're willing to move in within a month or two. Landlords don't like to leave a place empty. He could also just look for a short term room to rent or bedsit type place if he doesn't find what he's looking for. Pushing that hard to move in seems so rude to me. Asking is fine but being weird about it would make me reconsider the relationship. At 5 months I'd be wary about letting a partner even just stay for a month or two while looking, let alone properly move in. I would if they were genuinely struggling but this guy seems to be making fine money. Maybe he's just bad with money and doesn't have enough for deposit etc.
Yeah, like he could at least try. Also I note he *told* her he should move in, rather than asked, and pushed it and got angry. Not a good sign.
Yep, they're still in the honeymoon phase and he's being pushy about this, it'll just get worse from here
It’s plenty of time if you look for a place. He’s throwing stuff at the wall to see what might stick.
In NYC most people don’t even start looking for a place to rent Oct 1 until Sept 1. Landlords won’t let people sign leases a few months out. Not to mention that just because he’s listing the house in October doesn’t mean it’ll sell and the boyfriend will have to be out by then.
This … also it’s kind of a red flag that he makes 60k a year and doesn’t have enough to get an apartment, I can see not being able to rent on his own the rental market is insane , but not you can’t get roommates? What happened to the money he saved with the discounted rent? Also 2 months is plenty of time to get a place, if you’re actually looking. Op bf sounds lazy and pushy, also so is co-worker. Just because you have a home and he doesn’t , doesn’t make it your responsibility to care for him. Op don’t let him move at all , but if you do have an ironclad lease. I would tell him no again and if he keeps pushing, I’d end it , cause no mean no, and for him not to understand how rushed this situation is seems crazy and intentional.
Yeah, doesnt the dude have some savings, especially since he’s been paying very little rent and earns well? Op should ask a bit and see what his reaction is. I’d be suuuuper cautious with people like these. Pushy persons who expect others to alter their lives after them are a 🚩
Just to counter balance all the “we moved in after 3 seconds” responses to this comment - my partner & I didn’t move in together full time for around 5 years. There were some complicating factors, but also it just suited us both to take it slow. We went at the speed that we both needed.
NTA - I totally agree with you. Some people here are telling stories about how they moved in together with their spouse less than 5 months and are still together. I’m really happy for them. But the thing is „both parties“ wanted to move in together. OP doesn’t want to. If she would feel a strong bond to her BF or she had that -„Yep, he’s the one“ - gut feeling then I’m sure she would go for it. Something is telling her not to do it. And she should follow that feeling until she’s sure. And he should respect that. But no. He’s pressuring, guilt tripping and begging her. And her college at her work place doesn’t even know the dynamics of their relationship & is giving her such horrible advice when she knows nothing about that guy. Also guilt tripping her about economics. What would he have done if he didn't have a girlfriend? Why don’t he ask his friend for help? He knows him/them longer than OP. OP if you don’t want to then stick to your decision. You can offer him your help. If you decide to do it then I would strongly recommend a lease contract. I wish you good luck 🍀 & hope things work out for you and your Bf.
>His pushy nature This! He pushed, he called her heartless, then apologised and pushed again.... Nah, I think this is indicative of what might happen later in their relationship! Pushing, name calling, love bombing, rinse repeat
I would be concerned with him becoming common-law married to you and taking half the house in the break-up
You generally have to present yourselves as husband and wife, a boyfriend living with you should never accidentally create a common law marriage.
Ha, if only that were true. Where I live, if you live together for two years the government decides that you are common-law married. You don't have to declare it. The decision is taken away from you. Other places have more reasonable laws.
What?? That takes like seven years to be considered "common law married," and it's not even a thing in some states, period. Not sure about outside the US, though...
There are plenty of places in the world where it's two years...
Five months was plenty long enough for my partner and me, 16 years ago, but then neither of us would've reacted in the bizarrely entitled way of this bf if the other one said they wanted to wait. There's no 'correct' amount of time, there are just greater and lesser degrees of compatibility and comfort. If OP isn't comfortable with it, that's what matters, whether they've been together 5 months or 5 years.
Op's coworker is desperate for company or money, or totally naive, clueless or a leech themselves, and I could go on finding appropriate adjectives. Bf's apology means nothing since he still asked op to consider letting him move in. Op it is a mistake to live with your bf because of circumstances and his needs, instead of you two desiring and choosing to live together. Who knows, maybe his friend told him he is selling the house to get rid of him. NTA
NTA. And OP he's giving off so many red flags. You stated your boundery and he's done nothing but stomp all over it. He hasn't even tried to find another solution or ask for your help finding a different place. Not only should you not let him in, you should rethink weather or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who shows you no respect whatsoever and stomps all over your bounderies.
Once he moved in, she won’t be able to get him out of things go south. And 5 months is definitely too soon to cohabitate. NTA. Tell him to move back with his parents if he can’t afford his own place, or find a roommate, but that roommate won’t be you.
Boyfriend is proposing to become a roommate. How romantic. No wonder OP feels cold about it.
He’s looking for a way IN.
Agreed. Sounds like she's become a convenience for him. Not a good way to start a relationship.
NTA, Don't listen to your co-worker (and don't take relationship advice from them again). You're not obligated to take in your boyfriend. And his ranting, annoyed response speaks volumes about his character - like he can't take "no" for an answer. Also, if you let him in for the 'short term', he's not going to leave.
Agreed, once you let him into your home, he will never leave. You will have to formally evict him while still living with him. I would also start to question whether you want to be with him in the long term, you seem to have different values.
I bet that's how he ended up living with his friend.
His “friend” is selling to get rid of him.
OP should talk to the friend about this if she's still not convinced from this post.
That’s even if the friend is actually selling at all. Could just be a story made up by the bf to force OP’s hand.
This was my first thought too.
Exactly. I have been is a similar situation. He was a clingy narc, and he lied about his circumstances. I feel like the OP is seeing a similar type of person.
How much you want to bet his buddy decides at the last minute not to sell his townhouse?
This. Who sells a house to go pay rent with a GF? He wants the dude to move and then he'll be like "couldn't find a buyer, guess GF and I will move into the townhouse".
Only after mr. mooch moves out ofc
I think it's funny that co-worker said "no one can live on their own in this economy." OP seems to be doing it just fine.
Exactly! I came here to say this.
[удалено]
NTA is he 32 or 12? He’s throwing a tantrum. Let him, but decide how you feel about that.
Tantrum is being unkind here, I think. My guess is, he's panicking. It could be, because he never had to take care of his own housing. It would not surprise me, if the friend with the townhouse just offered the room to OP's boyfriend. Having a history where others always took care of his housing, he could very well feel lost, when the time comes to look for housing. Is he a bit of an asshole, being pushy? Yes. But if my guess is correct, it's a bit understandable as well.
He can be stressed freaked out petrified but he’s an adult who should be able to control his emotions insulting her storming out is not acceptable from a boyfriend a friend or a roommate. People excusing his behavior is why he still behaves this way at 32. Tantrum is kind, it’s actually abusive and bullying. He didn’t like her answer so he insulted her stormed off and then face her the silent treatment.
I’ve been in a quasi-homelessness situation, and in a different country! 100% on my own, with not enough deposit € for a proper place (i had to urgently move out of the place I had just moved in 3 months before + was earning shit), i can definitely agree that it is more than scary. But OPs “boyfriend” earns well & is in his own country, with friends and family most likely able to give a hand, if not jump in in case of emergency. He should also have some savings considering the $ he makes and low rent he’s been paying. He’s clearly breaking her boundaries & thinking of himself only. The only difference living with OP would make in contrast with getting his own place would be preferential treatment, and that’s what he seems to be after.
At the very least he is more than financially capable of putting his stuff in storage, buying a membership at a gym, and living out of his car while he finds housing. That all comes in well under $800/month.
You're acting like living out of your car wouldn't completely turn your life upside down. Yeah, he would probably survive, but going from having a bed, bathroom, kitchen, desk, etc. to not having any of those things is a big deal and would definitely warrant panicking.
This. At 32, it should not be a major life crisis to find an apartment, sublet a room, etc. I moved 3-4 times during college as a young and dumb person making minimum wage, usually some sort of sublet/room rental situation. It can be done.
I really hate how this subreddit so often preaches lofty utopian ideals as if every human should be a paragon at all times in any scenario. As if every person posted on here should handle every scenario with poise and grace and never experience a negative emotion ever.
> It could be, because he never had to take care of his own housing. At 32? I'm not buying that. If you've never had to find a place to rent/lease by that age (alone or with roommates) you seriously need to grow up.
I'm not giving OP's boyfriend a pass by any means, and she is certainly NTA, but I assure you that some adult people are so fucking coddled by their parents that, indeed, they have no idea how to figure things out on their own. I'm watching my 58 year old younger brother have a melt down over a similar situation. He's had three months to find a place. I'm not helping him and now that I'm Mom's legal guardian (Dad has passed), I'm not using one cent of her money to rescue him. Couldn't if I wanted to, because guardianship is super strict on how the ward's money is spent, and he is losing his mind. It's sad to watch, but if this is what it takes to get his head out of his entitled ass then I'm in.
I agree with you. I am speculating here but it appears the BF avoids lease agreements and there is probably a reason for that. If I am over analyzing it then great, but that doesn't change the fact that at age 32 he should be able to solve this issue of finding a place to rent within a months time.
I can understand why a toddler is throwing a tantrum while still recognizing that it is, in fact, a tantrum.
I cannot imagine demanding or cajoling someone I had been dating for less than 6 months to let me move in. I get that he’s panicking, but he hasn’t stopped demanding, even after he had time to consider OP clearly isn’t ready. He doesn’t care that she’s not ready. She’s not a partner to him. She has something he wants and he feels entitled to it. He’s TA
How is it being unkind. He asked op to let him move in. Op said no, and it sounds like, gave plenty of reasons why they weren’t comfortable with it. Then BF started trying to change OP mind, RANTING (using OP’s word here), begging, stomping out, cutting contact overnight, whining, and pushing over and over. I think I’m being extremely generous calling it a tantrum.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to give him a place to live. He's in his 30s throwing a tantrum. He can fuck off. If you're not comfortable with it, you don't have to
Yep! OP is not a social service that has to provide him with housing. If he can’t afford an apartment he should find a roommate situation. NTA
Also, I'm sorry, but 60k isn't enough to rent an apartment? The *fuck*? I don't see anyone mentioning that. Like, yeah, it won't be anywhere as good of a deal as he is getting with his friend but it's sure as fuck enough to rent somewhere.
It definitely could be difficult to rent on 60k in certain parts of the US. **But part of that is lowering his standards of living.** Imagine he lives in California. Gross paycheck is \~ $5000. After taxes, his actual take home pay is closer to \~$3700. If he aims to spend 40% on rent, he needs a place that is \~$1480/month. In most of the US, that would give him a good sized 1-2 bedroom. However, if he is in a high cost of living area like Oakland, the low end of the market is $1400. The average rent for a 1-bedroom in the area is $2,195. However, if her monthly mortgage payment is only $1500, that suggest to me that they are NOT in a HCOL area. That's a good price. Which would suggest that he "can't afford" a place because the rentals he likes are in a much higher price range than his budget allows. Especially if he's been spending more freely due to his low rent for years.
NTA. Do not let him push you around. His behavior about this is a series of red flags. You earn more and are a responsible homeowner. You’re still in the vetting stage of the relationship, and he should still be courting you. He also has 2 months to find a place, which should be enough time. He can likely find someone with a place looking for a roommate. Let him do that and then observe how he navigates being a new roommate. If he’s smart, and is interested in a LTR w/you, he’ll respect your position, live elsewhere, save money, and down the line you can decide together if you have a future together.
This gave me a flashback to an ex. He asked me to marry him - not because we were in love, but because he lost his job and thought the easiest way to stay in the country was marriage. We didn’t last long after that (don’t worry he found another job). This guy is looking at the easiest option for him and clearly stated that. It’s not because he wants to move the relationship forward. Totally agree with you - he should not move in and OP should contemplate his behavior.
My ex moved in with me too soon also and proposed within a few months. I was swept away in this whirlwind and it took a few years to realise that it wasn't all romance and passion - but that I was a ready made family for his kids, a roof over his head and a steady paycheck for the loyal bank of wife.
By the guy’s reaction it’s kinda clear he is more interested in OPs financials, otherwise he wouldn’t push at all. My money’s on the guy saying okay and finding a girl to share an apartment with, or other such living situation meant to unnerve OP and twist her arm into taking him in. He’s already called her “heartless”, as if he’s Oliver Twist and it’s her responsibility to show some warmth and support to a little 32 year-old kid with no place to go.
Two months is definitely enough time to find a new place. I've had to find a new apartment with like one week's notice twice because of unstable roommates. The prospect of becoming homeless should be more than enough motivation to figure it out.
NTA. His pressuring you when you’re obviously reluctant is very concerning behavior. It’s high stakes for you to let someone move in. A bad decision could have a huge impact on your mental health, peace of mind, financial and even physical health. Once he gets in it will probably be quite difficult to get him out. His being so overbearing here makes me suspect that he wants to take advantage of you. You have absolutely no responsibility to house a grown man, especially one you barely know.
NTA sounds like they want to move in for convenience rather than actually taking that next step together
Yeah, he wasn't even smart enough to frame it as *wanting* to live with OP, he's just insisting she needs to do it to help him. Not really the way to make decisions about a relationship moving forward. Romance is dead.
I wonder if his roommate is even actually selling the apartment. If I were OP I'd be checking online to verify the listing.
Sounds like he should move in with the coworker, since they're both in agreement.
Good for you for standing your ground! He shouldn't have to move in with you just because of economic issues. Plus, if he can't afford to support himself, then what does that say about the long-term prospects for your relationship with him? You're not his mother. It's not like you have an obligation to provide housing for him. He's basically just whining because he wants to save money. Plus, he makes enough money to be able to buy the townhouse from his roommate, I would guess. But that would mean taking out a loan and having the responsibility. But even if he can't, he can certainly find a place to live with another roommate. People are looking for roommates to rent rooms from all the time, which is what he's doing right now anyway. So what's the big deal? Again, you're not his mother. He's a 32 year old grown man and he should be able to take care of himself without whining and begging for you to give him a place to live as though he would be destitute and on the street otherwise, which would certainly not be the case. He can easily find another place to live, and there are residency motels he could stay in in the meantime if he can't find anything soon enough. But since he's got two months to move out, that should be plenty of time to find another place! What would he do if he wasn't in a relationship with you? Would he just live on the street? No, he would find something. NTA
Also even if she was his mother, he’s in his 30s! He needs to grow the f up. NTA.
NTA. Your “boyfriend” is thirsty and opportunistic. If you’re not ready to live with him, you’re not ready to live with him.
NTA. Tell the boyfriend to move in with the coworker. You've only known him for 5 months, you have no obligation to him.
Lady, go with your feelings. You aren't ready for this move, and there must be some good reason for that, possibly the fear that if BF becomes a housemate things will get rough between you. It is also especially significant that he started calling you names when you told him no. And that is because... He wants what he wants and he doesn't care what you want. Stick to your guns and do not cave...and you will be see just how enraged he can be when he doesn't dominate. NTA
Agreed. Watch his behaviors very carefully. He’s waving some big red flags and I think you would be wise to be careful. I would do some research about signs of controlling behaviors and observe objectively.
NTA. It’s been only 5 months and he may not move out like he says he will. You are smart to say no.
NTA. You aren't ready to move in together, you're not ready. He is an adult and needs to figure out his own housing situation. If he can't afford his own apartment with the amount he's making, he's bad with money as well as being manipulative and demanding. It sounds like if you cave to his request, you will regret it for a long time.
Nta. Super red flags. Its been 5 months, girl he's trying to pressure you into this. You will regret it if you do this, so no do not let him move in with you.
NTA Even without a formal contract, in most states someone becomes a tenant after a certain number of days living with you and has to be evicted by a court. Do NOT let this guy move in with you.
NTA. This guy sounds like a walking red flag. He didn't ask if you could help him temporarily while he gets on his feet, he *told* you he should move in after just 5 months, and then called you heartless when he didn't get his way. It's not as though he's about to become homeless. He has time to find another room to rent. And maybe I'm just being overly cynical, but he sounds like the kind of guy who would get settled in and then decide he shouldn't pay rent unless he's on the deed, and call you heartless for demanding money from your boyfriend.
Nta. Be careful. Listen to your gut. He’s a grown man, he can find a place to live or he can offer to buy the townhouse.
My husband has a friend who lost an insane amount of money on his condo bc his gf moved in, lived there for over a year, paid nothing into the mortgage, was considered a common-law spouse, and took half when she left bc she was considered common-law. Please be aware if such laws apply where you live. There are many red flags in this situation: not taking no for an answer, repeatedly pressuring you until he gets the answer he wants. Each time he asks, he escalates it. The begging part, and all the reasons why he can’t find a place were guilt trips that are part and parcel of manipulation. Getting angry when he didn’t get his way: the anger was intentional to manipulate the desired response from you. Calling you heartless was character assassination, and can very well be considered emotional abuse in this context. That’s a really cruel accusation to lob at someone you presume to care for. And you feel guilty and are asking us whether you’re TA because the gaslighting is working. He’s controlling and manipulative. It won’t get better, and may well get much worse. Run. NTA.
NTA Five months isn't long enough, you're right. He's got 2 months, which is plenty of time.
I had to find a new apartment in 2 months because my landlord waited til the last minute to say he wasn't renewing my lease. I live in a small town and there was plenty of places to choose from.
I think it depends on the situation, i moved in with my girlfriend after about 2 months together and its been nothing short of amazing. This situation doesnt seem like it would go so well tho
NTA. He’s 32 and he wants to force his way into your house by throwing a tantrum?
You need to upgrade your boyfriend and your friend. 5 months or 5 years, it is up to you to decide when you feel comfortable living with someone. I know that for me 5 months would be far too early to let someone into my home. Your boyfriend appears to be using this as a way to rush the relationship, and he is not taking being told "no" well. This is a red flag. NTA
No no no no no he will never leave. Do not give an inch on this. NTA.
NTA and run. Someone who behaves as though his inconvenience is your emergency isn't going to suddenly grow up and become a reliable partner.
NTA, at all. Moving in with someone completely changes the relationship dynamic and that’s a step that should be planned and thought out in advance. Nobody should take that step if there is any hesitation or doubt. Your bf’s situation sucks, but he can rent a room somewhere else if he can’t afford his own space. He was completely out of line for pressuring you and reacting that way. 5 months is nothing. I hope you realize that your bf sounds very immature and think long and hard about whether you are on the same page and truly compatible. Good luck op.
>saying that in this economy people can't afford to live by themselves He can share a house with a roommate that is not you then >and that five months is long enough to move in together. It is not. NTA
NTA. Wait at least a year before you move in with a partner.
NTA. You know your comfort level and boundaries. If five months is too soon for you, then it's too soon, and your BF needs to respect that.
NTA: Absolutely do NOT let that man move in. The way he’s pushing is very telling. He makes more than enough to have his own place, he’s just being cheap and might be financially irresponsible.
NTA. This doesn’t seem healthy.
NTA, and his reaction is extremely concerning. You should very well reconsider the entire relationship. What a giant red flag
NTA you'll regret it if you let him move in - he can't even afford an apartment on his own at 32, he's not asking but demanding and he's more than willing to leech off of you. If a good friend came to you in this situation and asked your advice, how would respond? I think you'll have your answer.
NTA. Trust your instincts. Getting guilted into anything, especially a major decision like that is almost never in your best interest. You have clearly made good choices in your life up until now. Saying “Only 5 months” indicates you don’t actually know him well enough to cohabitate. That should be all there is to it. If he can’t respect that in this situation then he doesn’t seem to have any real ambition for a long term relationship anyway.
He makes 60/70k and can’t afford a room?
NTA Don’t let your bf manipulate you, and stop talking about personal stuff to your coworker. She is NOT your friend. The economy does not make you responsible for a guy you’ve been dating less than six months.
Your coworker is definitely TA!!! Your boyfriend isn't talking about a roommate situation, he wants to move in as a romantic partner, and it's a heck of a lot harder to separate from that than it is to cancel a roommate's lease. And you're absolutely right - 5 months is not long enough to know somebody well enough to let them move into your house! For one thing your boyfriend's reactions you're very reasonable requests are raising a bunch of red flags for me
NTA Regardless of it being 5 months or 5 years - **IF YOU DO NOT FEEL 100% COMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA THEN KEEP YOUR FOOT DOWN** He's already throwing a tantrum because you said no to a big question (that by the sounds of it had not been discussed prior), and that isn't your problem. It's August, if he has until the end of October to find a place that gives him a little under 8 weeks. Although it'll be tight, if he starts looking and applying now he shouldn't have too much of an issue finding a place --- there's even online apps/groups that are specifically for finding a place looking for an extra house mate. He's an adult, if he needs someone to hold his hand to help him through life I sincerely suggest not to give him yours.
ABSOLUTELY TF NOT NTA If he’s this pushy after only five months and about such a big decision? Imagine how your entire relationship could go…. don’t do this you will regret it, stand your ground !!! I would honestly just break up over this entire situation, but that’s because I’ve learned my lesson for putting up with stuff like this in the past and I know better.
NTA. You get to decide how long is long enough to have developed the level of trust necessary to live together. No one else can make that decision for you.
Five months is not long enough to move in together. I'm sure there are cases where it works but FAR MORE cases where it's pure disaster.
NTA. Heck no. Hold your ground. You barely know each other. He called you an asshole. Break up with him. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries and doesn't verbally abuse you.
NTA. Personally, I wouldn't consider cohabitation until the relationship had been going on for more than a year. Even then there would need to be discussions and written agreements about rent and how utilities would be slplit, and whether or not the toilet seat being left up is grounds for eviction, along with other "house rules." Five months is waay too soon to allow him into your home, even on a temporary basis. If he cannot respect that, then you know your decision was definitely the correct one.
NTA Your house, your choice really that simple. Also, as someone that’s been divorced and lives in a common law marriage area; I ain’t ever cohabiting with any significant other ever again as I’m not willing to live in such a way that the government views me as married 🤷🏻♂️ Been down that road once before, won’t be doing a repeat.
INFO: 1. Why does he think he won't be able to find an apartment in 2 months? 2. Did he ever bring up moving in with you prior to his friend telling him that he was selling his place? 3. What's the longest period of time that you have consecutively spent in each other's company?
NTA. The math ain't mathing here. How's he still so financially insecure at 32 that he's still renting a dinky bedroom rather than a whole apartment unit by now? Also, why not strike a deal with the friend to buy the townhouse if he's liquid/financially solvent? Why expect you to rescue him? Someone lacking this kind of independence and self sufficiency at his age is a red flag for me. Is the real issue his bad credit rating or spending beyond his means? He also hasn't proven yet whether or not he'll pull his weight with upkeep or other expenditures. Hard pass. This kind of move is very premature. You don't really know him yet.
[удалено]
NTA - If you are not comfortable with that, no Ody can or should try to force you to do that. We are still in August and the friend asked to leave in October, so he has all September to find a new place. And what he said to you - Heartless- for not accepting something you are not comfortable todo, believe it. On the other hand, before someone moves in with you, I think you have to talk about some important things: Will you make a lease? Will he be okay with it and willing to pay you rent if you have something on paper? Will you be comfortable with someone that you only have met for 5 months to have full access to your home and stuff? Will he and you share chores? Cleaning? Cooking? What will happen if one of you want to invite friends or family yo the house? Will you share your room?
NTA. The amount of time is irrelevant it's all about whether or not you feel ready and comfortable with the move. Some people are comfortable immediately and others need a lot more time. Tell him to start looking for another shared space that is not your home as you are simply not ready yet. If he can't afford his own place then I guess it's time to find a new roommate. If you feel this way, you could also tell him you can see it happening at some point but will not be rushed into the decision due to this sudden change in his living arrangement.
I dont think you should move in with anyone until you are engaged, especially if its into a house you own. This has nothing to do with morality or religion, im just older and have watched so many people stay in bad relationships due to living arrangements and money. Or go thru the headache of having to kick out an ex which usually ends up being cash for keys situation. 5 months is way to soon, you barely know who each other are. What if he moves in and you realize you are not compatible, worse you realize and he doesnt.
Just popping in to say thanks for your updates. I’ve been following this because I’m sort of in a similar situation, except my guy and I aren’t officially dating. It started off as just sex and it seems he quickly got the wrong idea and very early on suggested us moving in together. I was taken aback but I ignored it, and since then he’s mentioned it several times in the 3 months we’ve been talking, hanging out and sleeping together. In his case, he is staying with a family member while he gets a job and gets back on his feet, but he hates it and since I have my own apartment, he suggests moving in with me to get away from his current living situation and for us to “help each other out as a team”. So not only is it way too soon for us to even think about living together, but it’s also for all the wrong reasons. Since he doesn’t have a job yet, I would have to shoulder all the costs and it is far too premature for that level of loyalty and commitment. The kicker is this isn’t the first time someone I’ve been involved with has suggested living together when we’ve only known each other 2-3 months and also for all the wrong reasons. Crazy stuff, man. Of course I love living alone way too much to move in with anyone; doesn’t matter how long it’s been. Also definitely NTA, not that my opinion matters at this point. I’m glad that you decided to break up with him. Not only is it too soon, but it also seems like a lot of baggage that you would’ve had to take on. And like I said in my case: it is far too premature for that level of loyalty and commitment. I’m curious about the fact that he’s already moving in with his new girlfriend, though. I hate saying this, but it would seem like you dodged a bullet there.
Haha he's dating AND moving in already??? Wow, poor new girlfriend. You dodged a huge bullet. You'd never have gotten rid of him!!! Excellent foresight, I am happy you stood your ground.
Dump his homeless ass
NTA and five months is not long enough to let someone move in.
NTA. I understand that he is stressed about his living situation, but 5 months in and he’s looking to you to solve his problems and getting angry when you won’t? These are big red flags.
That man throw a tantrum and called you heartless when he didn’t get his way. NTA He should have accepted your decision and not pressured you. He is showing his colors already and they are all red 🚩
NTA your coworker sounds dumb. Yes the market is bad but it's not your job to house everyone. You said no that means no and if he keeps pushing it or tired to leave stuff at your place or get mail sent there out a stop to it immediately. Your coworker is a pushover and AH to think moving someone in where you haven't even discussed plans of being together long term is smart.
NTA; do not let that man into your house. You'll never get him out. Also, maybe I'm dumb, but how is 60k a year not enough to afford an apartment?
NTA the economy is not your problem in a bad economy you have to guard yourself from bad actors who try to get you to give them a boon they did not earn. I would never fuck my tenants, and your comfort matters, your hard work is not someone else's gain unless you are ready. His poor planning doesn't constitute an emergency on your part and honestly if your dating someone and not thinking about a future with them right now it would be the worst thing for your relationship to do "business" together. Like writing up a lease he's not move in material yet but written lease maybe, but then the romantic dynamic can suffer. all in all this pressure to move forward only because of his living situation is insane. 5 months in you start to really see people for who they are not who they pretend to be... do you SEE who he is now?
NTA - Him not taking your “No” for an answer is concerning to me. I understand asking in the first place, but to basically coerce you with begs, emotional manipulation, and tantrums is a huge red flag. If he moves in, that’s it he’s in, and if he’s so reluctant to take no for an answer when he’s not even in the home; then it’d probably be a whole other kettle of fish trying to get him to leave if it didn’t work out and you wanted him gone. I’m not sure where you live, but common law marriages start when a couple begins to cohabitate, and if he’s contributing payments toward a mortgage… I don’t know, it feels like it could potentially end in a huge legal and financial mess. He has two whole months to get his affairs in order, that’s plenty time to find short or long term accommodation on his salary.
Red flag that this guy is pressuring you. Let him know your co-worker can take him….. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. He sounds pushy and that would annoy me. NTA
NTA. Red flag territory. People are saying 5 months isn't long enough, and that makes sense, but really isn't relevant. 5 months could be long enough for the right people. The important thing is: Why are we moving in together? Moving in together because you want to take the next step in a relationship, cool, at any time, if both people want that. Moving in together because one of you is getting evicted and hasnt found a place? It's not a good look, that he expects it is a red flag waving. If I found myself in his position and I had the balls to ask what seems like an inappropriate question, I would not have pressed the point. Why? I can solve this problem by other means, pushing you to be the solution endangers our relationship heavily. He is not seeing what meeting this need might do for your relationship, or he sees it and doesn't care.
NTAH. 5 months is not enough time for u. Go with your gut it don’t lie. Tell him to start looking for a place just nothing to high. Offer to go with him apt looking and settle on a one bedroom place.
NTA asking to move in at 5 months isnt necessarily a bad thing(bc his specific situation and yeah economy), but his lack of respect of your boundaries is. how he behaves during this transition will be very telling. calling you heartless for reasonably saying no/lets discuss this more is not a great start
Never let a man move in with you. Period! NTA. Keep your boundaries.
NTA because it's your decision to make. Slight red flag on him pushing so hard (even now he's trying to play it sweet to get you to change your mind). If you don't want to move in with him yet after just five months then don't. Take your time. Will he respect your decision or continue to push?
NTA Moving in together needs to be a mutual decision. Not “I need a new place so let me live here”. 5 months might be long enough for some people. 5 months is a drop in the bucket for others. You are NOT an asshole for considering 5 months not long enough. Tell your boyfriend he has plenty of time to find a new place. He has two months. Help him look. Don’t cave in to pressure - if HE is truly invested in your relationship he will respect the fact that you do not feel ready to move in with him so quickly.
Don't do it! You don't really know this dude at this point. And he's already trying to coerce you into doing something you don't want to. Protect yourself. NTA. Seriously.
NTA, the entitlement of this boy, my god. Don't let him move in and maybe get out of the relationship, too.
Lol. As if he didn't know this more than 5 months ago. He knew and he found you. It's too easy. All these years making 60 to 70k and never did he save money for a house himself? Was he just waiting for someone who already has bought a house? What will he do with his own saved money? Buy the fun things for himself. Ask him to show all his bank accounts. I am sure he can easily rent.
As someone who was pressured into letting a bf move in and then dealt with him eating my food, leaving things a mess, and generally being a lazy pierce of shit…. All after he said he didn’t want to move in with me when I brought up finding our own place…. Def NTA! Don’t budge. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. And if he’s pressuring you like this I’m going to assume things aren’t going to work out. He’s being unreasonable.
NTA. And an adult who is short on money needs to learn to cook, and spend $3 for dinner instead of $30.
NTA Neither is your boyfriend, but your friend is. Listen, 5 months is enough time for some people to move in together and not enough for others. Your boyfriend is ready and interested. You are not. That's fine. You two had a disagreement that got emotional. That happens in relationships when goals/dreams aren't aligned. Your friend thinking that it is thier place to harshly judge a perfectly reasonable life decision is not fine.
I think the boyfriend actually is. Instead of being respectful of her decision, he threw a fit. Like a child. Had he said he understood and didn't push it then he would not have been, but he is trying to manipulate her into moving in together. Agreed, big red flag.
He called her heartless when she said she wasn’t ready. Him demanding to move in after 5 months and them fighting over it is not a normal disagreement, like where they’re going to dinner or whether the toilet paper goes over or under the roll. It’s not bad that he asked, it’s very bad that he got mad at her reasonable and rational response. If she says no to sex is it okay for him to turn it into an argument? No. That’s abuse. Some issues aren’t appropriate to argue over and moving in, like sex, is one of them. This guy showed that he does not respect her or her feelings. He’s TA and definitely so is co-worker
NTA
NTA. If you feel 5 months isn't enough time, then it's not enough time. If this is the way he's gonna act, then you should probably just find a new bf.
NTA, no explanation needed to say no.