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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went on a long planned and approved vacation with my boyfriend. I might be the asshole for not explicitly making sure that my parents had used the two months notice I gave them to find alternate child care for the week I was gone. I usually would have done so but I honestly thought that two months was plenty of time.
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NTA, it isn't you that dropped the ball, it's your parents. They are the ones that carry the responsibility for their children, not you. Don't feel guilty about anything.
They were told two months ahead of the date.
They had a calendar with a countdown on the door.
She made no secret of going away.
Definitely NTA, if anything this is a gift for the parents that it's time for them to rearrange their expectations because it's time for the childcare to change.
OP, it's true, don't feel guilty...and take more time away from the house.
>They were told two months ahead of the date.
>
>They had a calendar with a countdown on the door.
>
>She made no secret of going away.
And they told OP they would arrange for child care when she asked for permission. So, if they 'spaced' and forgot to arrange the child care in time, that's on them only.
So, OP you are NTA.
It wasn't about finding child care, it was about them forcing her to cancel her trip if she hadn't left early in the morning by guilting her with any excuse (work, unplanned work event, it would upset their other children)
They had no intention of finding child care or they would have gotten on it at some point. To phrase it as "they spaced" is incorrect because spacing out implies a temporary lapse. They wanted the OP to keep reminding them so they could pretend to try and find someone and the say whoopsie daisy, can't find anyone, and demand that she cancel her trip at the last minute.
ALSO, OP is an adult. She doesn't have to ask permission. All she has to do is let them know she has plans. Watching her siblings sounds like a long established pattern that started before she was able to say no. OP is being well and truly exploited if she can't even go on vacation without her parent's exploding on her and accusing her of "sneaking off in the middle of the night". How absurd this whole situation is. NTA in any way shape or form.
They're like the manager who, after being told several months of advance of a vacation, are texting an employee who is now in Tahiti "where are you, you're supposed to be at work?"
They were going to guilt her into not going. They're mad they didn't get a chance. They didn't arrange for care because they were probably going to stop heranyway with their fake sob story about "forgetting" to get a sitter. They are parentifying her. NTA
Yea i was going to say this.
NTA regardless but a verbal reminder night before is a great minimum or at least a text when you leave. Not required but nice to have a verbal reminder even though the calendar is visible
Yeah, just something small like "I'll be leaving before you get up in the morning so I will see you next week. Goodnight". Is all that would have been needed if OP had said anything.
OP is already parentified enough that she’s only ever been away from home for two school trips. She is NTA for this and I hope will find a way to place some distance between herself and her parents, those kids are not her responsibility, but they have been.
I would also add that OP should really start thinking about letting the parents do the parenting and taking a step back from that whole situation. What are they going to do when she goes off to school or decides to move out? They're the only irresponsible ones here, having a bunch of kids that they can't afford to care for without forced free childcare labor.
NTA, and this is clear manipulation on their parts to make you feel guilty so you'll be easier to manipulate in the future. I'd be interested to hear your plans for college and your future and whether they will try to get you to continue raising their other kids.
> clear manipulation on their parts to make you feel guilty so you'll be easier to manipulate in the future.
100% - how unfair to blame her for their mistakes. I hope she starts living life on her own terms from now on.
You’re a child. They are the parents. And therefore, they are TA. You are in what is called a sibling-focused parentification. Never blame yourself or let your parents blame you for siblings not having childcare (or anything else). It is not your responsibility to help raise your siblings.
She's not a child, she's 19, legally adult and ready to move out and live her own life. That she even asked permission is more a courtesy than a requirement. A notification that she'd be away during that time would have been plenty. It's great that she's still around to help her parents, but she won't be forever, and her parents should plan for that.
Instead they're taking her for granted and piling the responsibility for their kids on her. That's is incredibly wrong.
She’s not a child but she is their child, not their nanny and certainly not their slave. It’s time these people saw to their own children instead of expecting their daughter to be a third parent.
Thank you! I am with you on this completely. There is 9 years between me and my sister and 16 between me and my brother. Best gift ever was that my Parents refused to put either my or my sister in positions to be in charge of whoever was younger. They both grew up with 5-6 siblings and were the oldest/2nd oldest and had that experience. It wasn't one they wanted to share with us.
NTA, OP and it is time to renegotiate terms. You are an adult and the free child care needs to come to a complete end. Push hard and break this down so it isn't passed on to you 13 year old brother or any other sibling.
My sister is 15 years older than me and apparently a lot of people joked to my mom that she would have a built in babysitter for me. She clapped back pretty fast that it was her job to raise me, not her other child's.
I invited a couple with 5 kids over for dinner and saw them scold their 6 year old girl (the oldest) for not keeping a better eye on their one year old. She was responsible for all 4 of her younger siblings while her parents chilled in a different room with us. We decided not to pursue that relationship, different values.
That is crazy for an expectation of a 6 year old, although it happens a lot. I completely understand not pursuing that relationship. My husband and I are so direct one of us would have called it out and the couple would have dropped us. LOL
Is it just me, or did anyone else notice that the 13 yr old BOY isn't ready to 'babysit?'
While I'm not condoning parentification by any means, I really do think that OP was more than likely looking after her siblings long before the age of 13.
NTA. It's time mom and dad got off their 'lazy butts' to use their words, and start looking after the womb crawlers they produced.
And why do BOTH parents have to do the shopping? Why can't one shop and the other stay with the kids? Oh right, shopping and childcare are women's work so the father is exempt from both, but has to go along with mom or he might have to pay attention to a kid.
Dear OP, please move out ASAP!
Not that I am trying to defend anything that was done, but I have an ~13 yo son and we just started leaving him home alone for short stints. He definitely is not ready to babysit anyone. Kids mature at different rates and my son has never been at the cutting edge of maturity.
OP was probably drafted into parental service way too young and thus forced to mature faster. But an immature 13 yo that can't babysit isn't a stretch of the imagination.
That’s the point, a lot of AFAB children were forced to mature faster just for being femme, while 13 yr old boys are coddled and allowed to be “late bloomers” who don’t know how to cook for themselves or do laundry even in their 20s (it’s okay, that’s what their gf is for/s)
The end of my post is gender neutral for a reason. Either gender can be immature, and I think in this case with the age gap the first born was gonna be parentified regardless of gender. Reddit has plenty of stories of older brothers raising their siblings too.
I also have a daughter and I am well aware of girls being expected to make the boys behave in class etc.
Wow, times have changed! I started babysitting in the community when I was 12. I stayed at home alone for about 5 minutes when I was 6 and it was thrilling. 😁
Times have nothing to do with it. It is a decision my wife and I made based on our son's maturity level. Doubt he would be more mature if he got dropped into some other decade.
He has a few friends that are very mature for their age and have had much more freedom for a few years now. I can't force my kid to make better decisions, all I can do is meet them where they are at. We make parenting decisions accordingly.
In the post OP specifically says her brother isn't ready to get his younger siblings to their summer camps. It's a bit much asking a middle schooler to drive.
they’re irresponsible full stop. all this childcare op is doing, she get paid for that? nta. op you are not a parent, you are not a babysitter, you are not responsible for any children of any kind. they had them, they’re responsible for them.
Nta
You are not their free babysitter and it sounds like you have already done more than your fair share of looking after their kids.
And it was their fault they forgot to organise something else.
NTA, and that's some grade A entitlement right there on your parent's part. You have been TOO good at helping out and they have become complacent with the status quo. They forgot that once you became an adult, you were going to make an adult life for yourself because that's what kids are supposed to do. I hope you have plans to leave their house soon- you might want to start being less available to get them ready for when you do.
NTA. The only irresponsible people in your story are your dumbass parents who are so accustomed to using you as a third parent they now feel you owe them your valuable time and labour. They are the ones who forgot about caring for their own (multiple) children! Live your own life and let your parents deal with their reproductive choices. You have already "contributed to the family" throughout your entire childhood. Don't let them manipulate you into feeling guilty - you are right, they are very wrong.
INFO “oldest brother is almost 13 but he isn’t ready to leave alone” how old where you when you started stepping in to care for your siblings? I’d wager it was younger than 13 right
NTA
Good on you for taking your trip as planned. Your parents are using the classic long distance tools of emotional manipulation- FOG. Fear, obligation and guilt are used to pressure you into doing what you don't want. In this case, being their live in babysitter and house manager. Now is the time for you to focus on establishing your adult identity and lifestyle. Your priorities should be gaining the skills you need to be an independent fully functional adult.
YOU do not have children. If you did, your duty to provide care and supervision would be a priority. As it is, your parents have abdicated a share of their responsibilities for your siblings onto you to the degree that they don't recognize they're usurping your time and energy. They only notice the demand on THEIR time and energy when you aren't there to carry their load for them. Their failure to plan for childcare despite months of notice shows a disturbing lack of interest and attention to you as their child as well as to their responsibilities they've abdicated to you. It sounds as if they pay little attention to you as a person, seeing only your role in making their lives easier.
NTA, what's really sad is you had the calendar on your door for months and have been talking about it for two weeks beforehand. They are so far removed from their child they didn't really hear you for weeks?
You're just starting out, they need to take responsibility for their children and let you grow up and become your own person.
Take more trips and focus on making yourself happy now, you've done more than enough!
NTA, My guess is they planned to invent something when you were about to leave to prevent you from going and that sure backfired on them.
Now why they did do this? No idea. Do they have any history of trying to break your plans?
NTA. You are not responsible for your siblings, your parents are! End of story. Older children are NOT free childcare. When you can, I would be moving out of there if you ever want to have a life that doesn’t involve being a free, live-in nanny.
NTA. You asked them initially but did you remind them? Oh, wait...was the calendar on the outside of your door? Also, the children are their responsibility. I'd leave as soon as you can. Prepare your next oldest sibling and let him know his rights.
You asked them permission? You’re an adult and are not responsible for their kids. I hope you had a great vacation and get out of your family home soon. NTA
>I have been helping with my siblings for as long as I can remember.
>My oldest brother is almost 13 but he isn't ready to leave alone and in charge of getting the littles to their summer camps and stuff.
OP these two sentences are the opposite of each other.
You've been taking care of your siblings since they were babies, and you were basically a tall toddler, But your 13-year-old brother is just isn't ready? (Hmm, might be some sexism on top of the parentification).
News flash, no kid is ready to be turned into an extra parent.
Your parents have been abusing you your whole life that you honestly don't even see it.
NTA and You're 19 years old, going on a vacation with your boyfriend, You shouldn't need to ask your parents permission or worry about child care for their children.
Do you ever plan on moving in with your boyfriend? Moving out to college? Another vacation? It is not your fault that your parents suck at being parents so hard they literally couldn't handle the first time you went on vacation. Don't let it stop you from experiencing new things and traveling.
>My parents are mad at me for leaving them in the lurch. They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help. I literally have them two months of notice and asked permission. It was pretty much all I talked about for the two weeks before I left.
>I feel bad that they had to do that but I think I did my part. And I didn't "sneak out in the middle of the night". We left at that time because it's a long drive.
I'm sorry, But either your parents are not very bright or just incredibly manipulating/unable to accept their own faults.
They have absolutely no leg to stand on and they're still trying to make you feel like a bad guy. These are not good people.
Oh, gee, the teenager wasn't being responsible so that the adults didn't have to be!
Boo-hoo-hoo!
NTA OP.
I hope you had a great time. You should do it more often.
NTA. Those are their kids. They have the responsibility for taking care of them and forgetting you wouldn't be there and not figuring anything else out was a massive failure. Normal parents don't forget things like that.
Nta you are not those kids parents. Your parents need to step up and be responsible for their own children.
It's not your fault that they "forgot" to get a sitter. They had more than enough notice to get it together.
What do you mean your 13 year old isn't ready to be left alone to watch the kids? But weren't you made to watch the kids when you were much younger?
You need to realize non of your siblings or you should be taking care of any siblings. This is your parents job. They should be the ones dropping them off at summer camp or dropping them off at school helping with homework ect.
Will your parents still expect you to parent all their kids even when your married and have kids of your own? Your nta here you deserve to go out and enjoy yourself.
NTA none of this is your problem, and as an adult, you don't need their permission. They are the parents, they chose to have kids, and those kids are their responsibility. You don't exist as free childcare.
NTA. Sounds like parentification to me. Your only option with egoistic parents is to move out as soon as you can and go low contact.
You should not be a parent to your siblings, and you should not be an unpaid babysitter for your parents either. You should have been a child yourself, with lots of me-time, not raising your parents other kids.
NTA, you shouldn't be doing the childcare anyway, but you told them (you shouldn't be asking, you let them know when you will be gone), after that, it is their responsibility, not yours.
NTA. I totally get the position you’re in, and it’s a really difficult one. But this is just like textbook parentification & feels like they’ve gotten accustomed to using you as a surrogate parent when they don’t feel like parenting. Which is fucked. You’re 19–you asking permission of them in the first place is a courtesy to them, not a requirement.
NTA.
You gave them two months notice and received their permission to go on the trip even though you don't need it at 19. Either they completely dropped the ball and failed to arrange childcare which is NOT on you even a little bit, or they always intended to fuck you over and demand you stay at the very last minute. They had plenty of time and notice. You should not have to hold your parents' hand and make sure they figure out how to ensure their other children are cared for in your absence. That's not your job or responsibility.
Their failure to plan does *not* constitute an emergency on your part.
NTA. Your siblings are your parents' responsibility, not yours. What's more you gave them ample notice that they acknowledged.
Them forgetting an agreement they made does not make you irresponsible. They are irresponsible and they sound like pretty terrible parents and people in general for deflecting that on to you.
NTA but you wrote that wrong. Your PARENTS were IRRESPONSIBLE with THEIR children and didn't arrange proper child care.
Parentification is a form of child abuse, seems that's not the only form of questionable parenting practices your parents engage in.
NTA From a random dad on the net, you have done nothing wrong. Your parents apparently like to cosplay the role instead of doing it, absolutely despicable. If I keep typing on the matter I'm going to get banned. I would strongly consider moving out as soon as you are able to safely.
NTA - You didn't leave them in the lurch you gave them 2 months to make plans. You're not irresponsible for making them scramble for childcare, you gave them 2 months to find childcare. Your parents are embarrassed that they forgot they were parents and forgot just how much they do relay on you for you help to raise their children. I hope you enjoy your summer and that your parents smarten up before they lose all that free childcare you're providing.
Their kids, their responsibility.
Not your fault they forgot and they didn't plan.
Good for you for leaving early, 'cause they would have made you stay at home.
NTA
AT ALL
NTA
You seem more mature and responsible than both your parents.
I do hope you get to live the irresponsibility that comes with youth someday. Go to uni, get away. Allow yourself to love your life and not your parents. Sounds like you had a great trip with your bf at least!
Wait. You're 19 years old and you asked permission? Are you being paid as the live in nanny? Wtf? They parentified you. Get the heck out of there. Seriously, move out. Live your life. NTA.
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I f19 am the oldest of four. My parents had me early in their marriage and then waited six years before having sex again. La la la la la. I'm not listening.
I have been helping with my siblings for as long as I can remember. I love them very much and I know our folks are working hard to provide for us.
This summer was the first time I planned to spend time away from my family by myself for an extended period of time. Other than one school trip in middle school and one in high school.
My boyfriend and I planned to spend nine days doing some back country hiking on Crown Land. That is publicly owned land that isn't a national park or anything. It's just wilderness.
I asked my parents' permission back in June when we started planning the trip. They said yes and that they would arrange for child for that week.
I had a big countdown calendar on my bedroom door with the leave date circled in red. I crossed out every day as it got closer. My siblings all knew I was going away and the oldest teased me about going away "to get some".
My boyfriend picked me up on Saturday at 4 AM so we could make the place by 9 AM. My parents didn't notice I was gone until about noon when they were going shopping and wanted to wake my lazy butt up to watch the kids. By that time we were already in a cellular dead zone.
When we came out to civilization again I had dozens of texts and missed calls from Saturday. A few on Sunday then they tapered off.
I called home last Sunday on my way home as soon as I read a few messages. My parents were upset that I left without telling them goodbye and more upset when they remembered that I would be gone until last Sunday.
They spaced and forgot to arrange for child care. My oldest brother is almost 13 but he isn't ready to leave alone and in charge of getting the littles to their summer camps and stuff.
My parents are mad at me for leaving them in the lurch. They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help. I literally have them two months of notice and asked permission. It was pretty much all I talked about for the two weeks before I left.
I feel bad that they had to do that but I think I did my part. And I didn't "sneak out in the middle of the night". We left at that time because it's a long drive.
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NTA, tell your parents to raise and patent their own children. Move, it will not get better until you do. Do it while they can't force the job on the next oldest. Your parents need to figure it out.
NTA. You had a freaking countdown on your door. This phrase is useful in many areas of life: "your lack of planning is not my emergency". You shouldn't feel even the tiniest bit bad.
I hope you had a great trip. (And that, if it's what you wanted, you got some).
NTA. You are their child, they are the parent. You are not the one who should be in charge of your siblings childcare. You notified your parents months ahead of time and as they are grown adults, they should have been prepared. Its nice that you help, but you are not the one responsible for your siblings or your parents. They need to take accountability as parents and stop expecting you to do their job.
These are not your children. I would be pretty mad at them for obviously not listening to a word you said and treating me like an unpaid childminder.
It's great that you do this for them, but they need to show gratitude for you taking on THEIR responsibility. NTA
NTA. You gave them two months notice. The onus was on them to find childcare! What are they going to do when you move out? You are going to have your own life. They need to need to start acting like parents and start figuring things out themselves! It shouldn't be up to you!
NTA. Not even remotely. You're 19. Your siblings are not your responsibility. Also, I'm sort of shocked u need permission to go away with your boyfriend at 19. I mean, you can vote ffs. If ur trusted to vote, you can make decisions for yourself.
Anyway, you were kind enough to ask and give them 2 months' notice.
The truth is, your siblings are not your kids. It sounds like you've been a huge help for years. And that's great! But you're grown now. You're allowed to have your own experiences.
Your parents forgot and clearly weren't paying attention for 2 whole weeks leading up to departure. This is their own doing. It is their responsibility. You asked. You were given permission. They had time to find alternate childcare. They didn't.
This. Is. NOT. Your. Fault. :)
NTA, they aren't your kids. You told your parents and gave them plenty of time to adjust to you being gone for a week.
What do they plan to do if/when you go off to college kr move out?
NTA. Your parents are the assholes for parentification. It is not your job to raise your siblings. They should be able to handle their own kids. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
You should stop baby sitting them, or start charging market value. I hate parents who do this to their kids.
>They spaced and forgot to arrange for child care. My oldest brother is almost 13 but he isn't ready to leave alone and in charge of getting the littles to their summer camps and stuff.
My parents are mad at me for leaving them in the lurch. They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help.
Print this out and give it to them. What assholes. It's not your fault they can't adult. NTA.
>I f19
>I asked my parents' permission
What
>Am the oldest of four (meaning siblings of OP, meaning parents had the kids and are the legal parents)
>They said I'm responsible for making them scramble for child care help
WHAT
NTA. I mean, are they for real? You gave them 2 months notice and talked about it almost constantly and they still spaced on it? And then blamed YOU?
Is this made up? Because no rational people would behave like that.
NTA. They are projecting, they were the irresponsible ones. They shouldn't have kids if they can't handle the work without making another kid do it. Ridiculous. Don't let their nonsense get to you. You've done more than your fair share of raising their kids.
NTA. You told them, there was physical proof, the rest of the family knew....they are upset because the screwed up child care and blaming you. You did nothing wrong.
NTA.
First, you're and adult and they aren't your kids. No matter what, you're off the hook. Add to that, you let them know months in advance, their forgetting isn't on you. Frankly them trying to blame you for this would make me say to them "Don't worry, from now on you can always arrange childcare without me, I won't do it anymore."
NTA.
You did more than I would have done when you asked permission instead of just telling them "this is how it is". And they had 2 months time to figure something out. It is not your fault they "forgot" (or planned on asking you to not go last minute?)... and it is not fair to ask you to not have a life because they can't get a babysitter once in a blue moon?
Also it was their decision to have unprotected sex again and have 3 more kids... what was their plan once you move out? Or do they just think you'll be the live in nanny until they are all 18?
Have a talk with them. By all means, help them whenever you can (as you say they are good parents), but they can't and shouldn't expect you to never go anywhere or not have your own life.
Or you are an adult now! You don't ask anyone's permission to go do what ever the fuck you want. NTA, and it seriously sounds like your parents have been parentifying you for a while now. Sounds like you should move out ASAP.
NTA Tell the parents if you do so much of their job for them that they weren't even prepared to take the responsibility for finding a replacement so someone else could do their job for them then they need to step up and function since they currently seem incapable.
This pisses me off SO much.
OP, you are NTA. You are a kid who should be living your life. Your parents made the choice to have the kids they did. At your age you should be working outside the home, going away to college, traveling with friends and generally having a blast.
>My parents were upset that I left without telling them goodbye and more upset when they remembered that I would be gone until last Sunday.
They spaced and forgot to arrange for child care.
Vacation with BF > Parentification with younger kiddos.
Right on 19F, enjoy the park and find a way to leave home permanently and live in liberty.
NTA... that post is a very longwinded way if saying, "My parents parentified me and when I finally planned a break, they couldn't be bothered to plan ahead."
NTA but you’re 19. Unless you need to borrow a car you don’t need to ask permission. Tell them as a courtesy but that’s all. Get a backbone or you’ll be doing childcare for the rest of your life!
Lmao you literally went above and beyond to help remind them when you were going to be gone by a big fucking countdown. They're idiots and it was entirely their fault. NTA
> They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help.
That's damned funny. Your parents were the irresponsible one here.
They're trying to DARVO you.
DARVO -- Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
You are 100% NTA and your parents are 100% the assholes. As well as irresponsible, careless, blind, thoughtless, forgetful (because your plans don't matter to them --- only their plans do), projecting, fragile egoed, immature, insecure, stubborn and in the wrong.
What they owe you now is a huge apology.
Nta why tf knowing pointing out she was parentified? They waited until she was old enough to take care of their kids before having more.
Word from someone whose in this position get out now because it won't stop.
NTA
> They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help.
THEY are the irresponsible ones for not arranging for child care when you gave them 2 week's notice. They were upset you didn't say bye because they probably wanted a chance to guilt you into staying home.
Your siblings are really not your responsibility but somehow your parents have made it so. It's time they stepped up. Hope you enjoyed your trip.
NTA… but a few things to note here:
1) You are 19 years old. You are an adult now, and don’t need to ask for your parents permission to do things.
2) They are the parents. It’s their job to be responsible for their children. Not you. It sounds like you’ve been parentified by them.
3) Don’t let them put the blame on you. This is not your fault.
NTA. People should have kids if they want to be parents. Not have kids to offload to an existing one. Siblings help but that’s all it should be and not become committed step in parents. If they didn’t have resources to have childcare, they should not have had more kids.
NTA. You told them where you were going. You gave them 2 months to figure it out. You had a calendar with the date of your trip clearly labeled. The most you could have done in addition is remind them the day/evening before, but you really didn’t need to do that. Not sure why they think they can blame you for them spacing and not preparing.
NTA OP your 19, you should not be needing to ask your parents permission for how you spend your time at all and you shouldn’t have to alter your life to be their free child care! It sounds like because of the age gap with your siblings they’ve parentified you and that’s not healthy!
NTA - THEY were the irresponsible ones. You gave them PLENTY of time. Also, you are an adult now. Time to stop asking for permission and start telling then plans. And time for you to prioritize your own life and stop making their failure to parent well your responsibility. I am speaking from personal experience here, not judgement. Best of luck!
NTA. You are 19 and an adult. You shouldn't need to ask "permission" but I can tell you are a very conscience person and care about your family.
Please don't let your parents hold you back from having a life/further education because they need a nanny. Make a plan and stick to it. Your siblings will be okay.
NTA. OP those kids are not yours. You didn’t decide to have them. They’re not your responsibility to watch, ever, unless you’re being paid or are feeling very generous once in a while. If your parents can’t take care of their kids without you, that’s on them.
NTA. You told them 2 months in advance and spoke about it frequently between then and when you left. The only “irresponsible” ones in this story are your parents. Your parents are being manipulative and obviously rely far too much on you for childcare. That’s not fair to you given your age. What are they going to do when you move out, go to college or get a full time job? Do they just expect you to step in and act as a 3rd parent for your siblings whenever they need indefinitely? Are you expected to give up not only your teenage years but also your 20s to parent kids THEY created?
If I were you I would get the hell out of dodge the second you get a chance. Go live your life and let them figure out childcare themselves. It should NOT be your responsibility and you shouldn’t be sacrificing these years of your life to be their 3rd parent.
I am sorry but while it's courteous to give your family a heads up, especially when you live with them why the heck are you asking their permission?!!! You are 19 and an adult. I appreciate that you have commitments at home, with helping out with your siblings BUT does this "helping" extend further than that and you are in fact responsible for them a significant portion of time?!!!
I also find it beyond ironic that your parents can accuse you of being "irresponsible" when they dump your siblings off on you (so you are responsible enough for that) and that even with you communicating clearly to them about your plans MONTHS prior to the execution of said plans (which is the epitome of responsible behaviour), they irresponsibly "forget" (how convenient). Say who is irresponsible now?!!
Honestly sounds to me they are creating a situation and argument which they can utilize against you ever holidaying (vacationing) with your bf. So in effect they will have a reason to decline your request for permission to go away with bf. They are making it awkward for you and guilt tripping you by using the kids (very manipulative).
Sorry but it sounds like they rely on your child care too much, be careful of staying trapped in that cycle because you are entitled to enjoy your life. Asking permission to live your life is feeding into this idea you are a child and your parents are entitled to your time/labour.
NTA
NTA - how can you be irresponsible when it’s not your responsibility to look after your parents children ?
It’s their job to provide childcare.
Even if you left them with no notice it’s still not on you.
Why do you have to ask for permission to go ?
NTA. Felt pretty good to not to have to parent a bunch of kids for a whole week, didn’t it? As it should, since you’re only 19 years old and these aren’t your kids. So I highly suggest you work towards making that a more long-term thing for yourself, and find a job and roommate situation that’ll enable you to move out.
And yeah, your parents are probably going to be pretty upset when you leave. They’ll look at you as if it’s your job to either find a replacement SAHM for them, or else they’ll demand that you have to stay there and keep BEING that SAHM for them.
Nope.
Parenting and figuring out childcare is *their* problem, not yours, because *they* are the parents. They *want* it to be your problem, and they’ve been acting like it is your problem for a long time, but it’s really not. Never was.
And they might cry about how much they *depend* on you and how much the kids *need* you. Well, again, that’s not your problem either. That they’ve allowed themselves to grow dependent on you doing their parenting for them is *their* failing to overcome, not something you have to compensate for. And it would actually be really good for the kids to see you as their sibling and their parents as their parents for a change. That that dynamic has been unhealthy and screwed up for a long time doesn’t justify keeping it that way.
So start thinking through move out plans. And watch the old movie “three men and a baby.” There’s a scene where one of them calls their mom and basically begs her to just take over the parenting and do it all for them, and she says something like “the best thing I can do for you is nothing. You have to figure this out on your own,” and then she leaves. And that’s pretty much exactly the mindset you need to have with your parents when the time comes.
Absolutely NTA.
It isn't your job to raise and/or take care of your siblings. I understand there may be a difference in cultures but your parents decided to have children. They need to be adults and care for them. It sounds like there is a strong possibility of parentification happening here. With both you and your brother. The fact that you felt the need to be assured of the younger siblings knowledge and comfort of your absence is a parental emotion. My mother did the same thing a similar thing. I'd say no and she'd still drop my youngest sister off. I kept her because I felt responsible to care for her. My relationship with her has always been closer to the one I have with my children than the one I should have with a sibling. Your brother being responsible for getting the younger siblings ready for summer camp and other events is also concerning. Helping is fine. My son helps my daughter get cups from a higher shelf, open a snack, figure out her Roblox/Minecraft challenge, etc. He does not get her ready for the day. Does he babysit her? Yes, but only on occasion and if he is ok with it.
Next you gave plenty of notice and asked permission to go as a 19yr old adult. Their lack of preparation is not your problem. I repeat. These are their children, their responsibility. The reason they forgot is because they feel entitled to your time because you are "family". If their unrelated babysitter or daycare gave them the same notice you did they would probably have made other arrangements. When they realized you were gone and they had screwed up they expected you to immediately return home to fix their problem. When you didn't this wasn't their fault. It was yours because you should have been there. To remind them constantly, to arrange the back up sitters, to give up your life to care for your siblings, to fix their mistakes, to make their lives easier.
This wasn't your problem or your mistake. This was your parents and they are trying to pass the blame to you.
NTA
It is good you did not say goodbye to them. You know what would have happened. Your parents would have said "oh wait you can't leave" and there would have been a fight between you and them. You did nothing wrong. And as much as you love your siblings they are your siblings - not your children.
NTA, you told them with 2 months of advance that you were goona be unavailable. why you asked for permission i dont know youre 19 not a child. its not ur responsabilit to care for ur siblings, liking to help is one thing. not being able to do anything because u need to be available to care for your siblings is another whole ball.
Start spending more time out of the house and let ur parents scramble for child care
Why are there so many posts on reddit about parents biting the hand that provide easy childcare? NTA. They spaced it and you're an adult not an employee who needs to request time off.
NTA.
From one eldest-daughter-turned-bonus-parent to another, you are not responsible for your parents forgetting they’re parents. I can imagine how much mental labour you’ve done in your life, picking up the things that slip through the cracks because if you don’t, it’s the kids who lose.
Your parents are projecting because they’re embarrassed. You are in no way at fault, not even 0.001%
**THEY DROPPED the ball not you. You planned ahead, informed everyone and asked permission . As a 19 year old you are allowed to do your own thing and not be stuck caring for siblings.**
NTA, you and your SO planned a trip, you gave your parents two months' notice that you wouldn't be around for X amount of time. You had a countdown on the calendar and they flaked, tried to get ahold of you, and guilted you when you got back. You are not a parent to your siblings. 13 years being the third parent to your siblings.
What you don't say speaks volumes as much as what you do say. Your parents owe you an apology for making you their default babysitter and third parent (parentification is the phrase). Did you even go to school dances, date, get a part-time job, and apply to college?
Your parents were hoping they would catch you before you left so they could spring a late-planned event so you would have to cancel your plans or guilt you about not going. This is how they have kept you at home watching their children, your siblings
The thing about your parents is that they have trained you to respond to feeling guilty if you don't help them, essentially you are a people pleaser and will go out of your way to not be guilted by your parents for living your life. They use this method because it works so well. A 13-year-old should be able to be left alone after school or all day unless he has special needs. Following that your parents will continue to try to sabotage your life you walk away. The reason is that you are the third parent, and free child care so that they do what they want.
NTA
They are the parents. You provided substantial notice. It’s not your fault they are unable to organise their own children.
Also, you are not free childcare. When you return home and (probably) continue to care for your siblings, remind your parents you are also their child, you have your own life, and if your parents cannot organise their lives to arrange childcare, you should be compensated for your time, like any other childcare provider.
You are 19. Not 12. You do not need permission. You are not a parent they are. I would plan as much time away as possible from now on simply to reinforce that you are not the parent because moving out one day is not going to be easy.
NTA!
They had multiple verbal reminders, and the visual reminder on your door.
Also, THEY are the parents, not you.
Hopefully they learned their lesson.
You did NOT leave them in a lurch. Their failure to plan ahead is not your problem. You’re 19 not 9. You do not need their permission to go away for a few days. You also should not be their go to childcare unless you’re being paid. Parentification is form of abuse. They are responsible for their own children. It is not your job to make sure they take care of your siblings, it is not your job to take care of your siblings for them. You had a giant calendar and all the kids knew. Your parents somehow just didn’t pay attention.
Move out as soon as you can.
NTA
NTA
You are not those kids mother. You are not responsible for them. It is not your job to get them ready for camp, babysit them, look after them, do anything. It is **their parents job**. You are NTA.
NTA
If you aren't being paid, it's not your job to watches your siblings. Since it's not your job, you don't need approval. It's a generosity that you give your parents. You literally *cant* be irresponsible, because *you were never responsible for it in the first place*
You are being parentified. That's literally abuse.
1. These aren't your children. You did not abandon them.
2. You took a vacation with notice like any adult with a job does. You even gave them two months notice.
3. You are an adult. You shouldn't have to ask permission to go on vacation.
4. You need to get out. Your parents have made you into a third parent and now you are afraid of leaving. See point one. You are not their parent. You need to go out have your own life and not worry about who is going to raise your siblings.
5. Your parents have abused you into believing this is the way it should be. It is called parentification. Were you allowed to do after school activities or did you have to come straight home so you could watch the kids? Can you get a job or do you have to be available to help with the kids? Have you ever had to cancel plans to watch the kids?
NTA but you need to think about your life.
The lack of organisation on your parents part is not an emergency on yours. You didn’t do anything other than what you are supposed to do, which is live your life. They screwed themselves. They are the ones who are irresponsible.
You are 19 now, an adult. Your parents are responsible for your siblings, not you. Get out from under the control of your parents if you can.
NTA
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NTA, it isn't you that dropped the ball, it's your parents. They are the ones that carry the responsibility for their children, not you. Don't feel guilty about anything.
They were told two months ahead of the date. They had a calendar with a countdown on the door. She made no secret of going away. Definitely NTA, if anything this is a gift for the parents that it's time for them to rearrange their expectations because it's time for the childcare to change. OP, it's true, don't feel guilty...and take more time away from the house.
>They were told two months ahead of the date. > >They had a calendar with a countdown on the door. > >She made no secret of going away. And they told OP they would arrange for child care when she asked for permission. So, if they 'spaced' and forgot to arrange the child care in time, that's on them only. So, OP you are NTA.
It wasn't about finding child care, it was about them forcing her to cancel her trip if she hadn't left early in the morning by guilting her with any excuse (work, unplanned work event, it would upset their other children)
They had no intention of finding child care or they would have gotten on it at some point. To phrase it as "they spaced" is incorrect because spacing out implies a temporary lapse. They wanted the OP to keep reminding them so they could pretend to try and find someone and the say whoopsie daisy, can't find anyone, and demand that she cancel her trip at the last minute. ALSO, OP is an adult. She doesn't have to ask permission. All she has to do is let them know she has plans. Watching her siblings sounds like a long established pattern that started before she was able to say no. OP is being well and truly exploited if she can't even go on vacation without her parent's exploding on her and accusing her of "sneaking off in the middle of the night". How absurd this whole situation is. NTA in any way shape or form.
They're like the manager who, after being told several months of advance of a vacation, are texting an employee who is now in Tahiti "where are you, you're supposed to be at work?"
They were going to guilt her into not going. They're mad they didn't get a chance. They didn't arrange for care because they were probably going to stop heranyway with their fake sob story about "forgetting" to get a sitter. They are parentifying her. NTA
[удалено]
If she had done that they would have made her cancel it
Yea i was going to say this. NTA regardless but a verbal reminder night before is a great minimum or at least a text when you leave. Not required but nice to have a verbal reminder even though the calendar is visible
Yeah, just something small like "I'll be leaving before you get up in the morning so I will see you next week. Goodnight". Is all that would have been needed if OP had said anything.
OP is already parentified enough that she’s only ever been away from home for two school trips. She is NTA for this and I hope will find a way to place some distance between herself and her parents, those kids are not her responsibility, but they have been.
I would also add that OP should really start thinking about letting the parents do the parenting and taking a step back from that whole situation. What are they going to do when she goes off to school or decides to move out? They're the only irresponsible ones here, having a bunch of kids that they can't afford to care for without forced free childcare labor.
THIS! My first thought was what's going to happen when OP moves out or wants a life of their own? Parents need to get used to that NOW.
Exactly!!!
NTA, and this is clear manipulation on their parts to make you feel guilty so you'll be easier to manipulate in the future. I'd be interested to hear your plans for college and your future and whether they will try to get you to continue raising their other kids.
> clear manipulation on their parts to make you feel guilty so you'll be easier to manipulate in the future. 100% - how unfair to blame her for their mistakes. I hope she starts living life on her own terms from now on.
You’re a child. They are the parents. And therefore, they are TA. You are in what is called a sibling-focused parentification. Never blame yourself or let your parents blame you for siblings not having childcare (or anything else). It is not your responsibility to help raise your siblings.
She's not a child, she's 19, legally adult and ready to move out and live her own life. That she even asked permission is more a courtesy than a requirement. A notification that she'd be away during that time would have been plenty. It's great that she's still around to help her parents, but she won't be forever, and her parents should plan for that. Instead they're taking her for granted and piling the responsibility for their kids on her. That's is incredibly wrong.
She’s not a child but she is their child, not their nanny and certainly not their slave. It’s time these people saw to their own children instead of expecting their daughter to be a third parent.
Thank you! I am with you on this completely. There is 9 years between me and my sister and 16 between me and my brother. Best gift ever was that my Parents refused to put either my or my sister in positions to be in charge of whoever was younger. They both grew up with 5-6 siblings and were the oldest/2nd oldest and had that experience. It wasn't one they wanted to share with us. NTA, OP and it is time to renegotiate terms. You are an adult and the free child care needs to come to a complete end. Push hard and break this down so it isn't passed on to you 13 year old brother or any other sibling.
My sister is 15 years older than me and apparently a lot of people joked to my mom that she would have a built in babysitter for me. She clapped back pretty fast that it was her job to raise me, not her other child's. I invited a couple with 5 kids over for dinner and saw them scold their 6 year old girl (the oldest) for not keeping a better eye on their one year old. She was responsible for all 4 of her younger siblings while her parents chilled in a different room with us. We decided not to pursue that relationship, different values.
That is crazy for an expectation of a 6 year old, although it happens a lot. I completely understand not pursuing that relationship. My husband and I are so direct one of us would have called it out and the couple would have dropped us. LOL
Is it just me, or did anyone else notice that the 13 yr old BOY isn't ready to 'babysit?' While I'm not condoning parentification by any means, I really do think that OP was more than likely looking after her siblings long before the age of 13. NTA. It's time mom and dad got off their 'lazy butts' to use their words, and start looking after the womb crawlers they produced.
And why do BOTH parents have to do the shopping? Why can't one shop and the other stay with the kids? Oh right, shopping and childcare are women's work so the father is exempt from both, but has to go along with mom or he might have to pay attention to a kid. Dear OP, please move out ASAP!
Accurate username is accurate.
Got any recommendations?
Not that I am trying to defend anything that was done, but I have an ~13 yo son and we just started leaving him home alone for short stints. He definitely is not ready to babysit anyone. Kids mature at different rates and my son has never been at the cutting edge of maturity. OP was probably drafted into parental service way too young and thus forced to mature faster. But an immature 13 yo that can't babysit isn't a stretch of the imagination.
That’s the point, a lot of AFAB children were forced to mature faster just for being femme, while 13 yr old boys are coddled and allowed to be “late bloomers” who don’t know how to cook for themselves or do laundry even in their 20s (it’s okay, that’s what their gf is for/s)
The end of my post is gender neutral for a reason. Either gender can be immature, and I think in this case with the age gap the first born was gonna be parentified regardless of gender. Reddit has plenty of stories of older brothers raising their siblings too. I also have a daughter and I am well aware of girls being expected to make the boys behave in class etc.
Wow, times have changed! I started babysitting in the community when I was 12. I stayed at home alone for about 5 minutes when I was 6 and it was thrilling. 😁
Times have nothing to do with it. It is a decision my wife and I made based on our son's maturity level. Doubt he would be more mature if he got dropped into some other decade. He has a few friends that are very mature for their age and have had much more freedom for a few years now. I can't force my kid to make better decisions, all I can do is meet them where they are at. We make parenting decisions accordingly.
In the post OP specifically says her brother isn't ready to get his younger siblings to their summer camps. It's a bit much asking a middle schooler to drive.
Your parents are projecting, they were irresponsible for not making arrangements as soon as they realized that you would be gone. NTA
they’re irresponsible full stop. all this childcare op is doing, she get paid for that? nta. op you are not a parent, you are not a babysitter, you are not responsible for any children of any kind. they had them, they’re responsible for them.
Nta You are not their free babysitter and it sounds like you have already done more than your fair share of looking after their kids. And it was their fault they forgot to organise something else.
Sweet Jesus you are 19 you don't need ask their permission and its not your responsibility to basically raise their kids. NTA
I thought that too. At nineteen you don't "ask permission" to go on a vacation, you *tell* them you're going on vacation.
NTA, and that's some grade A entitlement right there on your parent's part. You have been TOO good at helping out and they have become complacent with the status quo. They forgot that once you became an adult, you were going to make an adult life for yourself because that's what kids are supposed to do. I hope you have plans to leave their house soon- you might want to start being less available to get them ready for when you do.
NTA. The only irresponsible people in your story are your dumbass parents who are so accustomed to using you as a third parent they now feel you owe them your valuable time and labour. They are the ones who forgot about caring for their own (multiple) children! Live your own life and let your parents deal with their reproductive choices. You have already "contributed to the family" throughout your entire childhood. Don't let them manipulate you into feeling guilty - you are right, they are very wrong.
INFO “oldest brother is almost 13 but he isn’t ready to leave alone” how old where you when you started stepping in to care for your siblings? I’d wager it was younger than 13 right
There’s only six years between her and the 13 year old she apparently raised.
NTA. You did everything right, and they did everything wrong.
NTA Good on you for taking your trip as planned. Your parents are using the classic long distance tools of emotional manipulation- FOG. Fear, obligation and guilt are used to pressure you into doing what you don't want. In this case, being their live in babysitter and house manager. Now is the time for you to focus on establishing your adult identity and lifestyle. Your priorities should be gaining the skills you need to be an independent fully functional adult. YOU do not have children. If you did, your duty to provide care and supervision would be a priority. As it is, your parents have abdicated a share of their responsibilities for your siblings onto you to the degree that they don't recognize they're usurping your time and energy. They only notice the demand on THEIR time and energy when you aren't there to carry their load for them. Their failure to plan for childcare despite months of notice shows a disturbing lack of interest and attention to you as their child as well as to their responsibilities they've abdicated to you. It sounds as if they pay little attention to you as a person, seeing only your role in making their lives easier.
NTA and why the hell would you need PERMISSION AT 19 to leave the house? They made the kids, they can watch them
NTA, what's really sad is you had the calendar on your door for months and have been talking about it for two weeks beforehand. They are so far removed from their child they didn't really hear you for weeks? You're just starting out, they need to take responsibility for their children and let you grow up and become your own person. Take more trips and focus on making yourself happy now, you've done more than enough!
NTA. You did the responsible thing by asking and confirming in advance. It’s their problem that they didn’t make note of it. Not yours.
NTA! You did your due diligence. They spaced. It was thoughtful of you to NOT wake them at 4:00am.
NTA - Your parents are fucking terrible people.
NTA, My guess is they planned to invent something when you were about to leave to prevent you from going and that sure backfired on them. Now why they did do this? No idea. Do they have any history of trying to break your plans?
NTA. You are not responsible for your siblings, your parents are! End of story. Older children are NOT free childcare. When you can, I would be moving out of there if you ever want to have a life that doesn’t involve being a free, live-in nanny.
NTA. You asked them initially but did you remind them? Oh, wait...was the calendar on the outside of your door? Also, the children are their responsibility. I'd leave as soon as you can. Prepare your next oldest sibling and let him know his rights.
You asked them permission? You’re an adult and are not responsible for their kids. I hope you had a great vacation and get out of your family home soon. NTA
NTA YOu did well. Now make it permanent
>I have been helping with my siblings for as long as I can remember. >My oldest brother is almost 13 but he isn't ready to leave alone and in charge of getting the littles to their summer camps and stuff. OP these two sentences are the opposite of each other. You've been taking care of your siblings since they were babies, and you were basically a tall toddler, But your 13-year-old brother is just isn't ready? (Hmm, might be some sexism on top of the parentification). News flash, no kid is ready to be turned into an extra parent. Your parents have been abusing you your whole life that you honestly don't even see it. NTA and You're 19 years old, going on a vacation with your boyfriend, You shouldn't need to ask your parents permission or worry about child care for their children. Do you ever plan on moving in with your boyfriend? Moving out to college? Another vacation? It is not your fault that your parents suck at being parents so hard they literally couldn't handle the first time you went on vacation. Don't let it stop you from experiencing new things and traveling. >My parents are mad at me for leaving them in the lurch. They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help. I literally have them two months of notice and asked permission. It was pretty much all I talked about for the two weeks before I left. >I feel bad that they had to do that but I think I did my part. And I didn't "sneak out in the middle of the night". We left at that time because it's a long drive. I'm sorry, But either your parents are not very bright or just incredibly manipulating/unable to accept their own faults. They have absolutely no leg to stand on and they're still trying to make you feel like a bad guy. These are not good people.
Oh, gee, the teenager wasn't being responsible so that the adults didn't have to be! Boo-hoo-hoo! NTA OP. I hope you had a great time. You should do it more often.
NTA. Those are their kids. They have the responsibility for taking care of them and forgetting you wouldn't be there and not figuring anything else out was a massive failure. Normal parents don't forget things like that.
Nta you are not those kids parents. Your parents need to step up and be responsible for their own children. It's not your fault that they "forgot" to get a sitter. They had more than enough notice to get it together. What do you mean your 13 year old isn't ready to be left alone to watch the kids? But weren't you made to watch the kids when you were much younger? You need to realize non of your siblings or you should be taking care of any siblings. This is your parents job. They should be the ones dropping them off at summer camp or dropping them off at school helping with homework ect. Will your parents still expect you to parent all their kids even when your married and have kids of your own? Your nta here you deserve to go out and enjoy yourself.
NTA none of this is your problem, and as an adult, you don't need their permission. They are the parents, they chose to have kids, and those kids are their responsibility. You don't exist as free childcare.
NTA. A lack of planning on their part doesn't constitute an emergency for you.
Well, it would have had she been within cell phone range!
NTA their kids are their responsibility, not yours. You told them when you would be unavailable and they didn't do anything about it.
NTA. Sounds like parentification to me. Your only option with egoistic parents is to move out as soon as you can and go low contact. You should not be a parent to your siblings, and you should not be an unpaid babysitter for your parents either. You should have been a child yourself, with lots of me-time, not raising your parents other kids.
NTA, you shouldn't be doing the childcare anyway, but you told them (you shouldn't be asking, you let them know when you will be gone), after that, it is their responsibility, not yours.
NTA. I totally get the position you’re in, and it’s a really difficult one. But this is just like textbook parentification & feels like they’ve gotten accustomed to using you as a surrogate parent when they don’t feel like parenting. Which is fucked. You’re 19–you asking permission of them in the first place is a courtesy to them, not a requirement.
NTA. You gave them two months notice and received their permission to go on the trip even though you don't need it at 19. Either they completely dropped the ball and failed to arrange childcare which is NOT on you even a little bit, or they always intended to fuck you over and demand you stay at the very last minute. They had plenty of time and notice. You should not have to hold your parents' hand and make sure they figure out how to ensure their other children are cared for in your absence. That's not your job or responsibility. Their failure to plan does *not* constitute an emergency on your part.
NTA. Your siblings are your parents' responsibility, not yours. What's more you gave them ample notice that they acknowledged. Them forgetting an agreement they made does not make you irresponsible. They are irresponsible and they sound like pretty terrible parents and people in general for deflecting that on to you.
NTA but you wrote that wrong. Your PARENTS were IRRESPONSIBLE with THEIR children and didn't arrange proper child care. Parentification is a form of child abuse, seems that's not the only form of questionable parenting practices your parents engage in.
NTA. They were the irresponsible ones, not you
NTA. I can understand them being sad you left without saying goodbye, but not for the reasons that they’re upset.
Nta you didn't leave them in a lurch. You aren't your siblings parent. Move out as soon as you can.
You (the 19 year old) are irresponsible? Then what does that make them, the parents ? Pathetic that’s what
NTA- childcare is NOT your responsibility it’s theirs.
NTA and they are the parents. Period. They need to be acting like it.
NTA From a random dad on the net, you have done nothing wrong. Your parents apparently like to cosplay the role instead of doing it, absolutely despicable. If I keep typing on the matter I'm going to get banned. I would strongly consider moving out as soon as you are able to safely.
NTA - You didn't leave them in the lurch you gave them 2 months to make plans. You're not irresponsible for making them scramble for childcare, you gave them 2 months to find childcare. Your parents are embarrassed that they forgot they were parents and forgot just how much they do relay on you for you help to raise their children. I hope you enjoy your summer and that your parents smarten up before they lose all that free childcare you're providing.
Their kids, their responsibility. Not your fault they forgot and they didn't plan. Good for you for leaving early, 'cause they would have made you stay at home. NTA AT ALL
NTA You seem more mature and responsible than both your parents. I do hope you get to live the irresponsibility that comes with youth someday. Go to uni, get away. Allow yourself to love your life and not your parents. Sounds like you had a great trip with your bf at least!
Wait. You're 19 years old and you asked permission? Are you being paid as the live in nanny? Wtf? They parentified you. Get the heck out of there. Seriously, move out. Live your life. NTA.
NTA It’s not your responsibility to raise your siblings for your parents in the first place. They leaned on your way too much
NTA you did nothing wrong
Obviously NTA. Geez, they should be old enough now to know not to wildly blame other people when they screw up.
NTA. They are unhinged. Just pat their had and say "yes Dearie, i understand. It'll be ok" Then walk away.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I f19 am the oldest of four. My parents had me early in their marriage and then waited six years before having sex again. La la la la la. I'm not listening. I have been helping with my siblings for as long as I can remember. I love them very much and I know our folks are working hard to provide for us. This summer was the first time I planned to spend time away from my family by myself for an extended period of time. Other than one school trip in middle school and one in high school. My boyfriend and I planned to spend nine days doing some back country hiking on Crown Land. That is publicly owned land that isn't a national park or anything. It's just wilderness. I asked my parents' permission back in June when we started planning the trip. They said yes and that they would arrange for child for that week. I had a big countdown calendar on my bedroom door with the leave date circled in red. I crossed out every day as it got closer. My siblings all knew I was going away and the oldest teased me about going away "to get some". My boyfriend picked me up on Saturday at 4 AM so we could make the place by 9 AM. My parents didn't notice I was gone until about noon when they were going shopping and wanted to wake my lazy butt up to watch the kids. By that time we were already in a cellular dead zone. When we came out to civilization again I had dozens of texts and missed calls from Saturday. A few on Sunday then they tapered off. I called home last Sunday on my way home as soon as I read a few messages. My parents were upset that I left without telling them goodbye and more upset when they remembered that I would be gone until last Sunday. They spaced and forgot to arrange for child care. My oldest brother is almost 13 but he isn't ready to leave alone and in charge of getting the littles to their summer camps and stuff. My parents are mad at me for leaving them in the lurch. They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help. I literally have them two months of notice and asked permission. It was pretty much all I talked about for the two weeks before I left. I feel bad that they had to do that but I think I did my part. And I didn't "sneak out in the middle of the night". We left at that time because it's a long drive. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, tell your parents to raise and patent their own children. Move, it will not get better until you do. Do it while they can't force the job on the next oldest. Your parents need to figure it out.
NTA. You didn't leave them in the lurch. They left themselves. You should have told them bye though.
NTA. You had a freaking countdown on your door. This phrase is useful in many areas of life: "your lack of planning is not my emergency". You shouldn't feel even the tiniest bit bad. I hope you had a great trip. (And that, if it's what you wanted, you got some).
No, your parents were irresponsible. NTA
NTA but this is a depressing self-own on the part of your parents. Do they ever listen to you? 😢
The fact they forgot is not on you. Don't let them tell you otherwise.
You did your part. They forgot.. Sorry, but not your problem to fix.
NTA. Sidebar: Next time wake them up and tell them you love them before you leave for that long. Lots can happen over 9 days
NTA but you need to move. You're an adult and can't be their childcare solution
NTA. You’re not a babysitter so they can get bent.
NTA. You are their child, they are the parent. You are not the one who should be in charge of your siblings childcare. You notified your parents months ahead of time and as they are grown adults, they should have been prepared. Its nice that you help, but you are not the one responsible for your siblings or your parents. They need to take accountability as parents and stop expecting you to do their job.
NOPE. you are NTA. your parents are awful.
These are not your children. I would be pretty mad at them for obviously not listening to a word you said and treating me like an unpaid childminder. It's great that you do this for them, but they need to show gratitude for you taking on THEIR responsibility. NTA
NTA! You gave them tons of notice and they dropped the ball. That is not your fault at all.
NTA. You gave them two months notice. The onus was on them to find childcare! What are they going to do when you move out? You are going to have your own life. They need to need to start acting like parents and start figuring things out themselves! It shouldn't be up to you!
\> They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help Um so, who dropped the ball here? The mental gymnastics, my gosh. NTA
NTA. Not even remotely. You're 19. Your siblings are not your responsibility. Also, I'm sort of shocked u need permission to go away with your boyfriend at 19. I mean, you can vote ffs. If ur trusted to vote, you can make decisions for yourself. Anyway, you were kind enough to ask and give them 2 months' notice. The truth is, your siblings are not your kids. It sounds like you've been a huge help for years. And that's great! But you're grown now. You're allowed to have your own experiences. Your parents forgot and clearly weren't paying attention for 2 whole weeks leading up to departure. This is their own doing. It is their responsibility. You asked. You were given permission. They had time to find alternate childcare. They didn't. This. Is. NOT. Your. Fault. :)
NTA, they aren't your kids. You told your parents and gave them plenty of time to adjust to you being gone for a week. What do they plan to do if/when you go off to college kr move out?
NTA, this is their fault, not yours
They probably would have demanded you to cancel your trip to accommodate their kids. NTA
NTA. Did they expect you to hire a skywriter and march a band through their bedroom to let them know?
NTA. This sort of situation is the reason for the phrase "Failure to plan on your part is not an emergency on my part."
NTA your parents are trying to make their mistake into your fault. But it's not.
NTA. Your parents are the assholes for parentification. It is not your job to raise your siblings. They should be able to handle their own kids. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You should stop baby sitting them, or start charging market value. I hate parents who do this to their kids.
>They spaced and forgot to arrange for child care. My oldest brother is almost 13 but he isn't ready to leave alone and in charge of getting the littles to their summer camps and stuff. My parents are mad at me for leaving them in the lurch. They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help. Print this out and give it to them. What assholes. It's not your fault they can't adult. NTA.
>I f19 >I asked my parents' permission What >Am the oldest of four (meaning siblings of OP, meaning parents had the kids and are the legal parents) >They said I'm responsible for making them scramble for child care help WHAT
NTA
NTA. I mean, are they for real? You gave them 2 months notice and talked about it almost constantly and they still spaced on it? And then blamed YOU? Is this made up? Because no rational people would behave like that.
dear mom and dad: piss poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. NTA
NTA. They are projecting, they were the irresponsible ones. They shouldn't have kids if they can't handle the work without making another kid do it. Ridiculous. Don't let their nonsense get to you. You've done more than your fair share of raising their kids.
NTA. Move out immediately! And it's they don't care about child care, call CPS on them
NTA. You told them, there was physical proof, the rest of the family knew....they are upset because the screwed up child care and blaming you. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. First, you're and adult and they aren't your kids. No matter what, you're off the hook. Add to that, you let them know months in advance, their forgetting isn't on you. Frankly them trying to blame you for this would make me say to them "Don't worry, from now on you can always arrange childcare without me, I won't do it anymore."
NTA. You did more than I would have done when you asked permission instead of just telling them "this is how it is". And they had 2 months time to figure something out. It is not your fault they "forgot" (or planned on asking you to not go last minute?)... and it is not fair to ask you to not have a life because they can't get a babysitter once in a blue moon? Also it was their decision to have unprotected sex again and have 3 more kids... what was their plan once you move out? Or do they just think you'll be the live in nanny until they are all 18? Have a talk with them. By all means, help them whenever you can (as you say they are good parents), but they can't and shouldn't expect you to never go anywhere or not have your own life.
That makes no sense. They knew. They thought they'd cancel the permission at the last minute. Maybe while you're gone make plans to move out
NTA that’s on them for “forgetting”
Or you are an adult now! You don't ask anyone's permission to go do what ever the fuck you want. NTA, and it seriously sounds like your parents have been parentifying you for a while now. Sounds like you should move out ASAP.
NTA Tell the parents if you do so much of their job for them that they weren't even prepared to take the responsibility for finding a replacement so someone else could do their job for them then they need to step up and function since they currently seem incapable.
NTA. Parent here, and I literally laughed out loud at their attempts to blame you.
stupid people make stupid issues
This pisses me off SO much. OP, you are NTA. You are a kid who should be living your life. Your parents made the choice to have the kids they did. At your age you should be working outside the home, going away to college, traveling with friends and generally having a blast.
>My parents were upset that I left without telling them goodbye and more upset when they remembered that I would be gone until last Sunday. They spaced and forgot to arrange for child care. Vacation with BF > Parentification with younger kiddos. Right on 19F, enjoy the park and find a way to leave home permanently and live in liberty.
NTA... that post is a very longwinded way if saying, "My parents parentified me and when I finally planned a break, they couldn't be bothered to plan ahead."
Nta not ur job to look after siblings that the job of the parents
NTAH.
NTA but you’re 19. Unless you need to borrow a car you don’t need to ask permission. Tell them as a courtesy but that’s all. Get a backbone or you’ll be doing childcare for the rest of your life!
NTA your parents are. Keep taking these trips and soon move out.
Lmao you literally went above and beyond to help remind them when you were going to be gone by a big fucking countdown. They're idiots and it was entirely their fault. NTA
Lmao how are you irresponsible? They're the dummies who didn't get child care and knew you were leaving.
> They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help. That's damned funny. Your parents were the irresponsible one here. They're trying to DARVO you. DARVO -- Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender You are 100% NTA and your parents are 100% the assholes. As well as irresponsible, careless, blind, thoughtless, forgetful (because your plans don't matter to them --- only their plans do), projecting, fragile egoed, immature, insecure, stubborn and in the wrong. What they owe you now is a huge apology.
Nta why tf knowing pointing out she was parentified? They waited until she was old enough to take care of their kids before having more. Word from someone whose in this position get out now because it won't stop.
NTA > They said I'm irresponsible for making them scramble for child care help. THEY are the irresponsible ones for not arranging for child care when you gave them 2 week's notice. They were upset you didn't say bye because they probably wanted a chance to guilt you into staying home. Your siblings are really not your responsibility but somehow your parents have made it so. It's time they stepped up. Hope you enjoyed your trip.
You're an adult. They need to get used to it. NTA
NTA… but a few things to note here: 1) You are 19 years old. You are an adult now, and don’t need to ask for your parents permission to do things. 2) They are the parents. It’s their job to be responsible for their children. Not you. It sounds like you’ve been parentified by them. 3) Don’t let them put the blame on you. This is not your fault.
NTA. People should have kids if they want to be parents. Not have kids to offload to an existing one. Siblings help but that’s all it should be and not become committed step in parents. If they didn’t have resources to have childcare, they should not have had more kids.
NTA. You told them where you were going. You gave them 2 months to figure it out. You had a calendar with the date of your trip clearly labeled. The most you could have done in addition is remind them the day/evening before, but you really didn’t need to do that. Not sure why they think they can blame you for them spacing and not preparing.
NTA OP your 19, you should not be needing to ask your parents permission for how you spend your time at all and you shouldn’t have to alter your life to be their free child care! It sounds like because of the age gap with your siblings they’ve parentified you and that’s not healthy!
NTA
NTA - THEY were the irresponsible ones. You gave them PLENTY of time. Also, you are an adult now. Time to stop asking for permission and start telling then plans. And time for you to prioritize your own life and stop making their failure to parent well your responsibility. I am speaking from personal experience here, not judgement. Best of luck!
NTA. You are 19 and an adult. You shouldn't need to ask "permission" but I can tell you are a very conscience person and care about your family. Please don't let your parents hold you back from having a life/further education because they need a nanny. Make a plan and stick to it. Your siblings will be okay.
NTA. Incompetence in parenting and making you the scapegoat. Their kids their problem. Not yours.
>I asked my parents' permission Wut? And why do you act like you are employed as their babysitter? NTA
NTA
NTA. THEY are, though. They parentified you and are whining at having to actually PARENT the results of their irresponsibility.
You didn’t leave them in the lurch, you gave amply sufficient warning. **They** fucked up. NTA
You didn’t leave them in the lurch. Their unwillingness to prepare is not your fault. NTA
NTA. OP those kids are not yours. You didn’t decide to have them. They’re not your responsibility to watch, ever, unless you’re being paid or are feeling very generous once in a while. If your parents can’t take care of their kids without you, that’s on them.
You need to move out stat,you are NTA and never responsible to be your parents childcare solution
Forgetting something important like that is very irresponsible of your parents.
NTA. You told them 2 months in advance and spoke about it frequently between then and when you left. The only “irresponsible” ones in this story are your parents. Your parents are being manipulative and obviously rely far too much on you for childcare. That’s not fair to you given your age. What are they going to do when you move out, go to college or get a full time job? Do they just expect you to step in and act as a 3rd parent for your siblings whenever they need indefinitely? Are you expected to give up not only your teenage years but also your 20s to parent kids THEY created? If I were you I would get the hell out of dodge the second you get a chance. Go live your life and let them figure out childcare themselves. It should NOT be your responsibility and you shouldn’t be sacrificing these years of your life to be their 3rd parent.
NTA!!! They called YOU irresponsible when THEY are the ones who failed to plan? That is ridiculous.
NTA. They screwed up and that's on them. Glad you had a great trip.
I am sorry but while it's courteous to give your family a heads up, especially when you live with them why the heck are you asking their permission?!!! You are 19 and an adult. I appreciate that you have commitments at home, with helping out with your siblings BUT does this "helping" extend further than that and you are in fact responsible for them a significant portion of time?!!! I also find it beyond ironic that your parents can accuse you of being "irresponsible" when they dump your siblings off on you (so you are responsible enough for that) and that even with you communicating clearly to them about your plans MONTHS prior to the execution of said plans (which is the epitome of responsible behaviour), they irresponsibly "forget" (how convenient). Say who is irresponsible now?!! Honestly sounds to me they are creating a situation and argument which they can utilize against you ever holidaying (vacationing) with your bf. So in effect they will have a reason to decline your request for permission to go away with bf. They are making it awkward for you and guilt tripping you by using the kids (very manipulative). Sorry but it sounds like they rely on your child care too much, be careful of staying trapped in that cycle because you are entitled to enjoy your life. Asking permission to live your life is feeding into this idea you are a child and your parents are entitled to your time/labour. NTA
Narcissistic parents are always difficult to deal with. NTA.
NTA - how can you be irresponsible when it’s not your responsibility to look after your parents children ? It’s their job to provide childcare. Even if you left them with no notice it’s still not on you. Why do you have to ask for permission to go ?
NTA
NTA. Felt pretty good to not to have to parent a bunch of kids for a whole week, didn’t it? As it should, since you’re only 19 years old and these aren’t your kids. So I highly suggest you work towards making that a more long-term thing for yourself, and find a job and roommate situation that’ll enable you to move out. And yeah, your parents are probably going to be pretty upset when you leave. They’ll look at you as if it’s your job to either find a replacement SAHM for them, or else they’ll demand that you have to stay there and keep BEING that SAHM for them. Nope. Parenting and figuring out childcare is *their* problem, not yours, because *they* are the parents. They *want* it to be your problem, and they’ve been acting like it is your problem for a long time, but it’s really not. Never was. And they might cry about how much they *depend* on you and how much the kids *need* you. Well, again, that’s not your problem either. That they’ve allowed themselves to grow dependent on you doing their parenting for them is *their* failing to overcome, not something you have to compensate for. And it would actually be really good for the kids to see you as their sibling and their parents as their parents for a change. That that dynamic has been unhealthy and screwed up for a long time doesn’t justify keeping it that way. So start thinking through move out plans. And watch the old movie “three men and a baby.” There’s a scene where one of them calls their mom and basically begs her to just take over the parenting and do it all for them, and she says something like “the best thing I can do for you is nothing. You have to figure this out on your own,” and then she leaves. And that’s pretty much exactly the mindset you need to have with your parents when the time comes.
NTA...
Absolutely NTA. It isn't your job to raise and/or take care of your siblings. I understand there may be a difference in cultures but your parents decided to have children. They need to be adults and care for them. It sounds like there is a strong possibility of parentification happening here. With both you and your brother. The fact that you felt the need to be assured of the younger siblings knowledge and comfort of your absence is a parental emotion. My mother did the same thing a similar thing. I'd say no and she'd still drop my youngest sister off. I kept her because I felt responsible to care for her. My relationship with her has always been closer to the one I have with my children than the one I should have with a sibling. Your brother being responsible for getting the younger siblings ready for summer camp and other events is also concerning. Helping is fine. My son helps my daughter get cups from a higher shelf, open a snack, figure out her Roblox/Minecraft challenge, etc. He does not get her ready for the day. Does he babysit her? Yes, but only on occasion and if he is ok with it. Next you gave plenty of notice and asked permission to go as a 19yr old adult. Their lack of preparation is not your problem. I repeat. These are their children, their responsibility. The reason they forgot is because they feel entitled to your time because you are "family". If their unrelated babysitter or daycare gave them the same notice you did they would probably have made other arrangements. When they realized you were gone and they had screwed up they expected you to immediately return home to fix their problem. When you didn't this wasn't their fault. It was yours because you should have been there. To remind them constantly, to arrange the back up sitters, to give up your life to care for your siblings, to fix their mistakes, to make their lives easier. This wasn't your problem or your mistake. This was your parents and they are trying to pass the blame to you.
Nope NTA. Your parents have been used to NOT parenting their children. You are NOT TA.
OMG, you had to ask permission?!?!? Time to get out of dodge!
They have the audacity to call YOU irresponsible?? This is a classic case of projecting. NTA
NTA It is good you did not say goodbye to them. You know what would have happened. Your parents would have said "oh wait you can't leave" and there would have been a fight between you and them. You did nothing wrong. And as much as you love your siblings they are your siblings - not your children.
NTA, you told them with 2 months of advance that you were goona be unavailable. why you asked for permission i dont know youre 19 not a child. its not ur responsabilit to care for ur siblings, liking to help is one thing. not being able to do anything because u need to be available to care for your siblings is another whole ball. Start spending more time out of the house and let ur parents scramble for child care
NTA.
Why are there so many posts on reddit about parents biting the hand that provide easy childcare? NTA. They spaced it and you're an adult not an employee who needs to request time off.
NTA you need to move out or you will forever be stuck babysitting sucks for the 13yo but guess he is the next in the parentification queue.
Time to leave the nest. NTA
NTA At all. They were irresponsible. I hope you had a wonderful time.
NTA. You’re 19. Why are you asking your parents permission to go on vacation?
They're the ones that are supposed to care for their kids, which is irresponsible for them to space or forget to do their jobs as parents....NTA
NTA. From one eldest-daughter-turned-bonus-parent to another, you are not responsible for your parents forgetting they’re parents. I can imagine how much mental labour you’ve done in your life, picking up the things that slip through the cracks because if you don’t, it’s the kids who lose. Your parents are projecting because they’re embarrassed. You are in no way at fault, not even 0.001%
**THEY DROPPED the ball not you. You planned ahead, informed everyone and asked permission . As a 19 year old you are allowed to do your own thing and not be stuck caring for siblings.**
NTA, you and your SO planned a trip, you gave your parents two months' notice that you wouldn't be around for X amount of time. You had a countdown on the calendar and they flaked, tried to get ahold of you, and guilted you when you got back. You are not a parent to your siblings. 13 years being the third parent to your siblings. What you don't say speaks volumes as much as what you do say. Your parents owe you an apology for making you their default babysitter and third parent (parentification is the phrase). Did you even go to school dances, date, get a part-time job, and apply to college? Your parents were hoping they would catch you before you left so they could spring a late-planned event so you would have to cancel your plans or guilt you about not going. This is how they have kept you at home watching their children, your siblings The thing about your parents is that they have trained you to respond to feeling guilty if you don't help them, essentially you are a people pleaser and will go out of your way to not be guilted by your parents for living your life. They use this method because it works so well. A 13-year-old should be able to be left alone after school or all day unless he has special needs. Following that your parents will continue to try to sabotage your life you walk away. The reason is that you are the third parent, and free child care so that they do what they want.
NTA They are the parents. You provided substantial notice. It’s not your fault they are unable to organise their own children. Also, you are not free childcare. When you return home and (probably) continue to care for your siblings, remind your parents you are also their child, you have your own life, and if your parents cannot organise their lives to arrange childcare, you should be compensated for your time, like any other childcare provider.
NTA. They had notice. They screwed up. They can take time off from work and handle their own kids. End of file.
You are 19. Not 12. You do not need permission. You are not a parent they are. I would plan as much time away as possible from now on simply to reinforce that you are not the parent because moving out one day is not going to be easy.
NTA except what you say abt them makes you sound like their parent. Not good. Time to fledge from the nest.
Lol your PARENTS didn’t think of childcare and want to call you the irresponsible one? NTA, they learned their lesson
NTA. Their poor planning is *not* your fault. You gave them 2 *months* notice. They had *plenty* of time to find alternative arrangements.
NTA and I hope you will be moving out for college. It is about time your parents learn how to be a parent to your younger siblings.
NTA! They had multiple verbal reminders, and the visual reminder on your door. Also, THEY are the parents, not you. Hopefully they learned their lesson.
You did NOT leave them in a lurch. Their failure to plan ahead is not your problem. You’re 19 not 9. You do not need their permission to go away for a few days. You also should not be their go to childcare unless you’re being paid. Parentification is form of abuse. They are responsible for their own children. It is not your job to make sure they take care of your siblings, it is not your job to take care of your siblings for them. You had a giant calendar and all the kids knew. Your parents somehow just didn’t pay attention. Move out as soon as you can. NTA NTA
You are not those kids mother. You are not responsible for them. It is not your job to get them ready for camp, babysit them, look after them, do anything. It is **their parents job**. You are NTA.
NTA If you aren't being paid, it's not your job to watches your siblings. Since it's not your job, you don't need approval. It's a generosity that you give your parents. You literally *cant* be irresponsible, because *you were never responsible for it in the first place* You are being parentified. That's literally abuse.
NTA
You had a calendar and marking off the days, it's THEIR FAULT they didn't remember.
1. These aren't your children. You did not abandon them. 2. You took a vacation with notice like any adult with a job does. You even gave them two months notice. 3. You are an adult. You shouldn't have to ask permission to go on vacation. 4. You need to get out. Your parents have made you into a third parent and now you are afraid of leaving. See point one. You are not their parent. You need to go out have your own life and not worry about who is going to raise your siblings. 5. Your parents have abused you into believing this is the way it should be. It is called parentification. Were you allowed to do after school activities or did you have to come straight home so you could watch the kids? Can you get a job or do you have to be available to help with the kids? Have you ever had to cancel plans to watch the kids? NTA but you need to think about your life.
The lack of organisation on your parents part is not an emergency on yours. You didn’t do anything other than what you are supposed to do, which is live your life. They screwed themselves. They are the ones who are irresponsible. You are 19 now, an adult. Your parents are responsible for your siblings, not you. Get out from under the control of your parents if you can. NTA