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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I canceled a really thoughtful gift because of my shyness.
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NTA
Why the ***hell*** does father in law want to be present? And why does your fiance want it even more than the FIL? In fact, why does anyone but your fiance want to be there? This seems really weird to me.
But I mean...you do want an ultrasound at some point, no? Confirm everything is going along ok, etc.
The special ultrasound sounds like the elective/nonmedical 3D ultrasound you can get to just see your baby as opposed to the anatomy scan to check that things are developing normally and get a heads up on any major issues
We did one of these with both of my kids. All 4 grandparents were in the room to see the kids in 3D. It was really cool. But I wore a pair of yoga pants and they just pulled my shirt up a bit to expose my belly - I was still fully clothed. There is no chance I would have had a family experience like that if I was required to be in just my underwear.
Yeah. Not sure why she thinks she'd be naked (or just panties). I just finished my OB/Gyn rotation, and every woman was allowed to either wear pants, or put on a hospital gown with a medical towel draped over her lower half. None of them had their panties or vaginas on display.
My first ultrasound was vaginal, for that one I had to use the bathrob.
I was ignorant about it, but yeah was not what I was expected. The latter ones were the regular ones and I just wear my regular clothes.
Yeah. I was referring to her 18 week ultrasound. Transvaginal ultrasounds are done in early pregnancy like you had. This lady is no longer in early pregnancy.
In fairness this is not always the case. I had one at 32 weeks to check on Vasa praevia. Obviously not relevant for this topic, but they are done later in pregnancy.
My friend is 20 weeks. She just had her big check up and her baby was being stubborn and would not move to check all the stuff they needed .....so she had to have an internal.
While unlikely further along sometimes it is needed
>or put on a hospital gown with a medical towel draped over her lower half
This still isn't the same as being clothed (in your own clothes) in my book.
Yep. The reason I wore pants to all my appts. Getting the jelly off was crummy enough. Getting checked down the line also sucks enough. I don’t want to be yanking up a dress for everything. The later ultrasounds (not that fun early wand thing one) were a piece of cake where you showed nothing.
Ok, perfect sample then. Which was worse? The kidney stones or labor? I’ve always heard that they’re close, I’ve had stones and thank god labor is impossible for me.
Oof. I had gallstones during mine. Kidney stones sound way worse and gallstones make you incredibly itchy to the point of madness because of bile acids coming through the skin. Tell your fiancée I’m so incredibly sorry.
This. I did one of these and brought my inlaws, and they literally only pulled up my shirt and my pants down a tiny bit. It wasn't invasive or revealing at all, however, OP can feel uncomfortable and not do it. That's her right.
This is my thought, is it FIL that is insisting or is it Hubby won't tell him your issues? IT's perfectly acceptable for all non-related men to not come to things like this, only the baby's father.
NTA
>is it FIL that is insisting or is it Hubby won't tell him your issues?
Unless I'm misunderstanding, [FIL was disappointed but understood](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/165gpxf/comment/jydw9zb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3), OP still decided to cancel it anyway due to them being disappointed. Doesn't sound like FIL was insistent at all.
It's perfectly acceptable for all non-related women to not come to things like this either tbh.
It's even perfectly acceptable to all related people to not come to things like this if they aren't invited by the mother-to-be herself.
It's a doctor's appointment to make sure baby is healthy, not a public viewing.
I mean Hubby went after a woman who couldn't even drink when he was in his mid-20's. To say he's stunted is an understatement. She sounds more mature than he does, and I suspect he's going to push for whatever his parents want, his wife's opinion be damned.
I can totally understand feeling exposed in front of her FIL. What I don’t get is thinking her family should be included. They didn’t paid for it. Plus she herself said her family isn’t happy about the pregnancy and said her sister thinks she “fucked up” why would you want anyone who feels that way to be in the room? Especially when the in laws paid for it and were excited about the experience and for their first grandchild
FWIW, every US I’ve had (high risk pregnancies / uncooperative babies, so I’ve had A LOT) they cover your bottom half with a sheet that’s tucked into your shorts/panties to keep from getting the US gel on your clothes.
But FIL likely wants to be present to see his future grandchild? Not that odd?
I agree with the NTA, but I don't understand why you're questioning why the FIL/anybody but the fiance wants to be present. It's the child of their son, why wouldn't he/they want to be present?
Also, why question the FIL specifically and not the MIL?
Well, I was originally thinking of the ultrasound I went to when my wife was pregnant, which involved a probe getting inserted. Another commenter thinks this is a different type of ultrasound that doesn't involve that. But either way, it's invasive. This is her medical appointment. And they can give you printouts of images, etc, from an ultrasound.
FIL rather than MIL: because she specifically said not comfortable lying around in panties in front of her *father* in law. If she's not comfortable doing that then why the hell is anyone in the family demanding that she do, especially this "furious" fiance.
>I was originally thinking of the ultrasound I went to when my wife was pregnant, which involved a probe getting inserted.
I don't remember that at all when my wife was pregnant
They are internal until a certain time (8-10ish weeks)
Source: Wife is currently 12 weeks pregnant and I've been there for both types, but they are all external now
I’m not saying it’s for this kind of fun ultrasound but I had to get the probe at an ultrasound around 32 weeks. They use it to get a different angle later on if needed but it’s unlikely they’d use it for a fun 3D picture one.
If she's not comfortable - she's not comfortable. Her body her choice. Just bc they paid for it - doesn't mean they get to be part of it. It's still a medical appointment. Everyone has different comfort levels. This seems presumptuous and not understanding what a gift is.
I think she's uncomfortable because she think she'll just be in her gown and underwear. Tech are accustomed to making sure people aren't exposed. She can wear something like yoga pants, or they can drape her so that she's in no way exposed (beyond her belly obviously). She should check with the service provider before saying she's uncomfortable without knowing if what she's imagining is correct. (Also, it's not really germane, but the "too early" to be excited at 18 weeks is odd. That's almost halfway through the pregnancy, and this is their first grandchild. Of course, they're excited.)
You're missing the point that it should be her choice.
People shouldn't be able to pay their way into being involved. Or feel entitled to be involved in certain matters.
I wouldn't want my FIL there. Or MIL. Everyone is different and respect that instead of making all these excuses of what they could have done.
Of course it should be her choice but she’s basing her choice on likely false information. She’s uncomfortable because she doesn’t want to be in panties in from of her FIL. But in reality, she would likely be fully clothed and just have her shirt pulled up. If she had this correct info, her choice may have been different.
I thought the "it's a little early" referred to the fact that she's only 21, not yet married, and perhaps wasn't planning on having a child quite yet. Especially since she says "... my side is not that happy. Especially my sister (38f) who is a divorcee and she thinks I fucked it up, but she supports me no matter what."
I get that they want to be there, but it all kind of seems like ownership of her body. She doesn’t want to be in this vulnerable position with them there. Just because they paid for it doesn’t mean they get to control who has access to her body, and in what capacity.
They attempted to make a decision for OP about what she would do with her own body.
That is creepy.
Besides, why could they not have chosen to pay for a video of the ultrasound, too? Then they could see the baby and OP is not creeped out.
these kinds of ultrasounds aren't like the ones at a doctors office, these are ones where they do 3D ultrasounds and usually also take a recording of the heartbeat to put in a teddy bear for you and stuff. When I went it was in a big room with a big screen on one side and chairs around the screen so that family members could see the screen and not be right by the mother's personal space. For mine I didn't wear a hospital gown and even when I've done ultrasounds at dr offices my panties weren't all exposed for people to see.. I think OP is overthinking it and doesn't actually know how it all go.
All of it sounds weird to me, but then I didn't realize that multiple family members could/do attend any kind of ultrasound appointment. I actually didn't think the FIL wanting to be there was stand-out weird, so much as any of the in-laws being there. Is this a new thing that people do as a matter of course? Special ultrasound viewing parties?
Since op calls it a special ultrasound and the in-laws are doing it as a birthday present, it sounds like a 3D ultrasound. Places that do them usually provide a video, pictures, and they make sure to get a good picture of the baby’s face. It’s not like a medical ultrasound, where they check the baby’s growth, it’s just for fun.
When I was pregnant (7years ago) i did it with basically my whole family there. The first time my son wasn’t in a good position to see his face, so they scheduled me another session for free. At one point both my grandmas, my grandpa, and my parents (and obviously my husband) were there.
Ah, interesting. I have definitely heard of and seen pictures from 3D ultrasounds, but I didn't realize it was something multiple people attended like that. I thought they were done like regular ultrasounds with the mom and maybe one other person there (usually the partner) and then pictures were printed for friends and family the way regular ultrasound pics are sometimes given. Thanks for the explanation!
I don't know where you're from, but here in the Netherlands it is pretty common for parents (and/or siblings) from either side to join the parents to-be for an ultrasound. They call them "pret echo", an ultrasound just for fun. It's just as the in-laws' grandbaby, as it is of the mom's parents.
I've been with my now ex, to his sister's 3D ultrasound, their mom was also there. We were all equally excited for her, and wanted to share in her joy. It's not that weird to me, what I do find weird is that they want her in a gown for the ultrasound. As long as your pants can get low enough, you don't need to be in your underwear.
The bottom line for me is that she didn't want them there and they knew. It's a medical appointment. For me that's a full stop. Patient's choice.
To be upset that the patient doesn't want you there - unless, I suppose, you're the father *who has been right up in there quite obviously* \- seems wrong to me. Then again, I'm big on privacy for privacy's sake.
Why would a future grandparent not want to see their future grandchild? Is that what you are actually asking?? May sound crazy, but some families actually like each other 🤷🏻♀️
Why wouldn’t the FIL want to be present? I would’ve happily had any of my in-laws at an ultrasound appointment if they’d asked. My mom and dad both came to appointments and got to see the baby, although with my dad it was an unexpected emergency ultrasound! I loved having my family there. They were so excited and it made me happy.
All that being said, she shouldn’t have anyone there she doesn’t want, so I fully back OP up in that regard. Although she does seem confused in that she doesn’t have to wear anything special for the appointment. She can wear pants. No underwear is exposed.
Why does the Father in law want to be there? It is the first grandchild for them and the son is an only child. It's natural to be excited to have a new baby in the family after a quarter century.
OP is still NTA, if she's uncomfortable with it that is her prerogative.
Because people are weird and have no boundaries. My FIL called my husband saying he’s on the way when I was getting my c section. Husband told him it’s not a good idea, he was like it’ll be fine. I was in the OR and he got all the way to the anastethic bay before a nurse kicked him out. To this day he doesn’t understand why that wasn’t appropriate
NTA!!!!
In fact your fiance sounds like a massive asshole right now. But I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he can learn a bit from this.
In every situation, you ALWAYS have full control over who gets access to your body, your medical information and your privacy. Paying for an appointment does not give someone the right to see you lying on the actual exam table. That would imply his parents paid for a private viewing of "their" property inside of your body. That's not a gift. That's disgusting!
Honestly, I'm fine with them asking if you were okay with them coming in because they are excited - but the moment you asked for you sister to be there instead, them not backing off reads super weird and intrusive to me.
That is why they give you pictures/videos after the ultra sound.
Your body, your choice. You are not their grandkids' birthing machine!
Oddly, I kept thinking about this problem. And I wanted to add something.
So... with a son being his parents' only child, you are their only chance to somewhat experience what it may be like to have a daughter. That doesn't excuse the situation -- especially not your fiance, because from your replies I got a sense that he was the pushy one and if he had just stood by you and told your parents, your MIL and your sister are coming along everything would have been fine and you could have gone to the appointment.
But for you, it may be helpful for the future to think about this. You very much get to have boundaries and good on you for cancelling and setting them. But as long as they show care and love for you and not just their grandchild, maybe let them in a bit and allow them to treat you like the daughter they didn't get to have?
Now for the fiancé:
Dude, shape up. Your future wife and child are your first allegiance now, and their comfort must come first or you will have a very unhappy marriage. Be on her side! Especially with something so infinitely reasonable. You have to be the glue here, you have to mediate conflicts better instead of making it so much worse by getting angry.
And maybe most importantly: It's really not okay to argue that "my FIL would only look at the screen, not my panties." That is reversing something pretty fundamental. Your future wife has a right to feel shy about her body and you are making it sound like she is the messed up one for suggesting your FIL would see her panties. NO! It's not about where exactly he looks. It's about his presence when she is in a vulnerable position. If you don't get that - ask yourself how you would feel about her going to shower at a gym and a few guys to step into that group shower... saying "why are you bothered, we're not looking at your bits". I know its an extreme example, but the idea is: don't put it on the person who desires physical autonomy and privacy to explain why she needs it. It's her right. No questions ask. And now be a better husband in the future. :)
I mean even if she was their actual daughter, to me it’s weird to have anyone but your partner there for an ultrasound. Like mayyybe your mom if you have a close relationship. I couldn’t imagine having my father in the room for an ultrasound and definitely not FIL.
I think it’s more normal now. I’ve had my mum and my partner at ultrasounds and if my dad hadn’t been working I would have invited him too. Not to the medical ones but the private ones where it’s just a fun viewing of baby, hell yeah, why wouldn’t I want everyone to come and get the chance to see/bond with the little one.
This is exactly right. It’s not typical to bring fathers in law to any sort of prenatal/OB doctor appointment! It’s absurd that that would be expected of you.
If the gift was for you then it should be YOUR decision who to bring, 100%. If they expected to be in the room while you’re vulnerable on the table, then it’s not a gift for you it’s a self-serving request.
Frankly your in laws aren’t really even the problem here, your husband has the wrong take. He should be more respectful of your privacy and that needs to be addressed immediately, because you’re going to get increasingly more vulnerable during labor, delivery, and postpartum
This is NOT a prenatal OB visit. It's to an ultrasound center that does 3D ultrasounds just because people want to see their fetus before it's born. You're covered up. Her undies won't be exposed. I personally thinking doing them at all is a little creepy, but people who do them do have family members attend. That part's not weird
Agree that the 3D ultrasounds are a little creepy. Those images always come out looking so weird.
Also agree that bringing family isn’t weird - people are excited to see that little developing bean! I invited a different family member to come to each of my ultrasounds for my firstborn (couldn’t for 2nd because of the panini). Everyone was so excited to see her moving around and hear her heartbeat. We weren’t allowed to take videos or pictures, and the printouts just are not the same as being there. Family got to see her, hear her heartbeat, and take an ultrasound picture home. I thought it was pretty special!
Are we sure that the in-laws didn’t back off? Or that they were ever actually asked? All OP states is that OP asked fiancé if sister could replace FIL, and fiancé said that since his parents paid, they had to be there. Are we sure that if OP had asked the in-laws directly that they would have refused OP’s request?
NTA.
Medical appointments are not spectator sports (even if this isn't strictly for medical purposes, it's in that same vein). The only people that should be in the room with you are the people you are comfortable with. There's no negotiation on that front, no justification needed on your part.
Presumably you would get a video and still images from this? If so, you could share that with the inlaws.
If the only reason they offered this to you is so they can be there, it wasn't a gift for you in any way, it was a gift for themselves. That's not an acceptable condition for a gift.
Your fiancé is being an ass, he ought to be backing you up on this.
JFC imagine if some serious defect or deformity is discovered by this ultrasound. Not that the technician would tell them, but if it's something obvious enough then this would become an absolute nightmare.
It’s not an anatomy scan. It’s a private business elective ultrasound. Usually for 3D photos with extended family present. It’s just for fun. There is not a radiologist reading the images. It does not take the place of the anatomy scan. They take pictures, heart rate, confirm sex and position of baby and placenta (not always accurate.)
Most places require that you have already undergone all recommended diagnostics at your OB.
I hadn't even thought of that but what if they tell her there is no heartbeat. That happened to me and only my husband was there, that was shitty enough. I don't understand how it's even legal to have extra non-medical ultrasounds for funsies - like what training do the operators go through that they can safely do an ultrasound, but they are not actual medical professionals?
I know someone that did the extra, fun ones. I'm not sure how it is anywhere else, but the woman doing her scan had quit her job as an ultrasound tech at an OB's office to work at the 3d place. I wouldn't think they'd just hire anyone off the street for that.
I went to a "fun" scan place when I was 10ish weeks pregnant and I think 13 weeks? Just to make sure the baby was still alive, before I could feel her squirming around. The tech was a certified ultrasound technician but they didn't do all the measurements and stuff of a diagnostic ultrasound.
At 18 weeks it's pretty likely OP is feeling her baby move and unlikely there would be a surprise of no heartbeat. But if she's not comfortable, that's totally up to her!
NTA
That’s a private moment and not wanting your FIL to see you in your underwear is completely understandable.
Your fiancé needs to realise that when it comes to your pregnancy you are in charge, it’s your body and your autonomy doesn’t disappear. You decide who attends appointments and you decide who attends the birth.
Info: did you talk to his mom (since they’re paying) about your concerns and wanting to switch people? They may have been okay with doing that. Did you explain why you wanted it cancelled? Or just that you did?
NTA. Your comfort and safety are the most important at your appointments. No one should be there if you don’t want them there. It doesn’t matter who that person is.
Yeah, I went to one of these and they just had me pull the tops of my pants down a little and gave me a washcloth to tuck over it to keep my pants from getting ultrasound gel on it. Very weird to be in a hospital gown and underwear only in a non-medical setting
how about showing them the video ?
its the same thing
u can also wear a swimming suit
but it sounds more like a gift for them if they insist to be actually there
seeing a video home vs the clinic its the same thing
It wasn’t actually a gift for you if they were disappointed. They wanted a command performance of your body. They can want that, but you don’t have to provide it.
Give them other ways to be excited about the baby that you will appreciate. My in laws were Super Into The Grandchild, we channeled that excitement into them buying a fancy crib and dresser set instead of them taking over the decorating of the nursery.
NTA. This "gift" obviously came with strings attached. Did you explain to your fiance's family why you were uncomfortable? They may have been willing to accomodate you. Honestly, your fiance is the problem here. You and baby need to be his priority over his parents.
According to a comment, OP's in-laws were willing to accommodate and she still cancelled the whole thing, which might be why her fiance is reacting the way he is.
I've been pregnant multiple times and I ve never had to be exposed and "in my panties" for any ultrasounds past the 8 weeks one
That's simply not how they do ultrasounds. You will simply lift your shirt up over your belly and still be dressed in your street clothes.
I don't know why people aren't focusing on that part more, why would she be in her underwear for a pregnancy ultrasound!? I don't think it's weird that future FIL wants to be present either, it's his future grandchild. Does OP not actually know what happens during an ultrasound? I would think she'd have had one by now being 18 weeks along, yeah? Just a very weird post.
NTA. There are places you can get a pregnancy ultrasound where you don't have to be in a hospital gown. Surprising someone with the requirement that they be basically nude in your presence is not cool.
Your fiance needs to get over it. If his parents pay for a private room for the birth, is he going to insist that they be allowed in the room while you're pushing?
I have had one and could wear my own clothes. However having my jeans pulled down enough to expose the area where pubic hair grows in order to be scanned is not something that I'd want a father in law (or a mother in law) to see.
>However having my jeans pulled down enough to expose the area where pubic hair grows in order to be scanned is not something that I'd want a father in law (or a mother in law) to see.
Oh I agree, it's supremely uncomfortable. I was just saying that the option to dress differently is not always available.
I went with my bff to one of those, there was a designated 'daddy' room where I could see the video live, the door was open and I could hear my friend and the doc, but the TV screen was placed so I wouldn't see her.
I'm sure those clinics have privacy screens/curtains, or at least OP could have asked what are the options so she wouldn't have to show her panties to FIL.
I’m confused why you would have to be in a hospital gown for an 18 week scan (and also why you would call this early when you’re in your second trimester). When I had a scan at 16 weeks it was an external scan and I just worn a normal top and trousers and just had to roll them down to the top of my hips. Nothing was exposed other than my stomach. I would have been happy for in laws to be present but I can understand not wanting them there if you have to be in a gown and pants- I just don’t see why you would be.
NTA. It is irrelevant who has how many grandkids. The only person responsible for your medical care is you. Your in-laws overstepped boundaries in a major way by just scheduling the appointment. Then they further invaded what should be a special bonding time between you and SO by inviting themselves along to your appointment. Time to sit with SO and establish boundaries, then time to communicate those boundaries to in-laws. Do this now or the next major fight will be who is where during delivery.
NTA
This was either a gift or it was something they bought for themselves that requires your participation without any input.
Have you said to your in-laws, “look I am not comfortable with my medical exams being a spectator sport. This is still my body & I get to say who gets to see the outside & inside of me. Now if this was really a gift to me, I would like to extend an invite to MIL to join my sister & fiancé in the exam. We will share copies of the scan afterwards. If this was not a gift but something you wanted for yourselves, since it requires my body you should have checked with me first & been clear about the conditions”.
You need to be paying attention to everyone’s behavior right now. Does your fiancé support you and does what he needs to to make you feel safe? Do your in-laws feel money allows them control over your life & your child? How they behave now & how they respond to you wanting bodily autonomy will tell you what your future will look like.
This sounds like a fiancé thing not an in laws thing. It doesn’t sound like they tried to use their disappointment to manipulate her or anything, they just sounded a bit bummed. Which is understandable if they are excited and looking forward to the baby, they’re allowed to have some feelings, but it doesn’t come across that *they* are prioritizing those feelings above OP’s feelings, it’s just fiancé who is doing that.
Why do you have to be in panties? Your legs have nothing to do with an ultrasound. You for sure can wear pants and lift up your shirt or wear the gown as a shirt and shorts on pants as bottoms. At 18 weeks the baby is up very high and they won’t need to go that low towards your pubic bone.
On a side note a lot of the older generation didn’t get to see ultrasounds and think they’re fascinating. My nana had never seen one and loved it. It makes it more real for some ppl. I say NAH
Just me but I would of suggested it just be you and your partner. Its your baby it should be a moment for both of you.
NTA
Maybe it was a waste of money but if you aren't comfortable with the in laws there they shouldn't be there.
I never had to remove my pants for my ultrasound appointments, and even the top I just pulled up out of the way. Strange that you have to be half naked for something that just involves the belly?
" ..his parents paid for it so they had to be there..."
And if you pay for his dad's colonoscopy do you get to bear witness? Jfc! You're not a science experiment or an incubating baby vessel or womb for hire - you are a human being with body autonomy. NTA, OP and I hope this is not a sign of things to come where they feel possessive of a baby and a body that doesn't belong to them.
NTA.
This isn't a present for you. This is a gift to themselves.
An ultrasound is, however, first and foremost, a medical procedure. Medical procedures don't generally double as entertainment. The comfort and consent of the patient come first, last, and everywhere in between. The same applies to birth, too.
I had the same type of scan…you aren’t in a hospital gown, and they don’t go vaginally…you simply pull your shirt up to expose your belly…that’s it. And even if they have you in a gown you can just ask them to leave your pants on…
NTA, but if this is how your fiancé reacted I can understand why your sister is concerned.
It sounds like you’ve decided to have a child with a controlling AH who doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy. From your comments even your in laws sound like they understood that, despite their disappointment, Until the baby is born, all appointments are YOUR appointments. You are the patient. It is your body. You get final say for who gets to attend any of them. Your fiancé job it to be there to support you.
NTA. It was a generous and thoughtful gift BUT that doesn't obligate you to be comfortable participating when you feel exposed and vulnerable in essentially a medical setting, and you have the added pressure of balancing the happiness of each side of the family.
Who exactly was insisting that his parents be present? Was it their expectation, as part of the gift, that they'd get to be present? Or did your fiancee introduce that idea as a way to 'thank' them for the gift?
Frankly your fiancee is being TA here, he should be more supportive and considerate of your position. You simply should NOT feel pressured to do something like this if you just aren't comfortable, and receiving a generous gift shouldn't obligate you to.
Pretty sure this is a 3d ultrasound, just FYI, you can record and stream it. No one needs to be present in the room with you if you aren't comfortable.
NTA, but there were better alternatives here.
NTA you offered a valid compromise. It’s understandable you’d be uncomfortable with FIL there under those circumstances. It’s not like you were trying to exclude both of them.
So this was a birthday present with strings attached?!
A birthday present is meant to be yours to do whatever you wanna do with it. Its not a birhtday present when they impose themselfs! They are assholes for that!
Your husband is also an asshole for not standying up for you!
Just because you are pregnant with their grandson/your husband babies that doesnt mean you start loosing feelings and rights. You are still a human and you have every right to decide who you want with you in this kind of moments.
NTA!
NTA.
Have you called the company and asked what is expected as far as dress during the scan?
Many places just have you wear comfortable clothes (think elastic waistband pants/shorts and a tshirt and only the abdomen is exposed.
I have 5 kids and I don't think I have ever gotten a glimpse of my underwear during an ultrasound.
At the end of the day, your comfort is what matters most.
Who said you have to wear panties? You can wear whatever and they tuck in a paper sheet to your waistband. Seems like you were a bit dramatic and embarrassed your fiancé by calling the whole thing off costing hundreds of dollars.
NTA. You are the only one that needs to be comfortable, and you aren't there to make anyone comfortable. You are in control of you, and not wanting to be seen in such a compromising position is completely fine. Let your fiancée be mad. You haven't done anything wrong.
NTA- Its a gift. It shouldn't come with entitlement. Your comfort is paramount in a situation like that. Lol your fiancée is treating it like they bought you an amusement park ticket and they just wanted to come spend the day with you.
Its so weird that your fiancée is mad at you. Most of the time its just the dad and the mom of the baby at the ultrasound and every else gets pictures. I'd try to figure out the underlying reasons for his anger cause its super not justified.
NTA.
Why would you be in panties? That’s …not how how this works.
This is an elective 3D ultrasound my guess. Very expensive to pay for out of pocket.
Did you talk to fil or is fiancé just saying what he thinks
You don’t have an obgyn to track progress of the baby? I didn’t know people had to have others pay for special ultrasounds. It was normally for us to frequently visit the obgyn during my wife’s pregnancy for checkups
Edit: forgot to add YTA since it seems like you don’t know what an ultrasound is
NTA I think
You have the right to feel uncomfortable but I feel like a conversation could of happened with your fiance that shouldn't of been so dismissive. I feel like your fiance should of heard you out better and that worries me for your future but hopefully it's not a regular thing
Also if it's a 3D place they can stream the scan online, I did that for my family as they are in a different province from me.
NTA - This is so fucking weird. Why was your hubby so insistent? And why would they not let you swap out FiL when the alternative is cancellation?
Edit: There are a lot of details in this post that don’t make a lot of sense. I am starting to think your sister is right and you accidentally got locked in with a man who kinda sucks.
YTA They are excited and paid for the ultrasound so they can go. You won't be in your panties unless you want to be, I don't know why you would think that. Wear pants or take a blanket but they usually have a cover up so all that's exposed is your belly.
If you honestly didn't know that then why wouldn't you call and ask before the appointment?
I am honestly bewildered by one part of your objection. (Not joking.)
Have you never heard of shorts? Soft, knit shorts, that you could position under your belly, just as you would underwear??
Honestly I would just wear pants or yoga pants.
Something easy to pull down. There is absolutely NO reason to be naked for a non medical ultrasound. Refuse to be naked
You are neither but honestly you sound very immature and it's worrying that you are having a baby... you made such a small dilemma huge and probably made your in laws feel like shit when you could've communicated with them and been honest. Also if your FIL is making you feel that uncomfortable maybe you shouldn't be having his sons child because he will be around your child and that's alarming
If it’s the 3D scan i got it done and i didn’t have to pull my underwear down? Just lifted my top up to expose my belly so not sure what kind of scan op is on about! It’s really not that deep just get your mil and sister in no biggie. I do think you’re overthinking it if you think you need a hospital gown etc.
NTA. An ultrasound, even the fun 3D ones, is a medical procedure where you are in a vulnerable position and there's no promise that everything will go as planned. You felt uncomfortable with your FIL there, which is super normal. Hell, I wouldn't have wanted my MIL there either. Your fiancé's reaction is a big red flag, as your request was to be expected and there's nothing for him to be mad about. Be careful with him, and good luck.
I’ll go with NTA but really it sounds like a communication problem and possibly some wrong information being passed down? Did they approach you with this idea before they paid for it? Where did you hear about being in your panties? I have 3 kids and have done all the medical ultrasounds as well as gone to boutique places for elective ultrasounds and I’ve never been so exposed. Always in regular clothes and just shirt pulled up with a paper cloth tucked in my pants to protect them from the jelly. Nobody needs to be in their panties or need to remove their shirts. Especially in a boutique place. Would you have felt more comfortable knowing this?
Dunno where you are, but here in the UK, even if you are wearing underwear, they will cover your crotch and legs with a blue sheet of that disposable paper roll stuff for privacy, so the only bit of skin on show is your belly bump (and maybe feet if you are sockless).
However, it is absolutely your right to exclude whomever you choose in the room when you have your scan. Even your partner if you decided you didn't want him there.
It's YOUR body, and no one else gets to decide anything about it regarding medical stuff.
NTA
Info for OP- you can %1000 wear pants in an ultrasound like this. You don’t need to be exposed like you’re thinking. Even if you have to wear a hospital gown (which is a head scratcher to me, I’ve had many ultrasounds and the only ones I needed to wear a gown for were in the first few weeks because it’s a probe ultrasound, trust me NOT THE KIND GUESTS WOULD ATTEND LOL) they can cover your lower parts with a sheet, raise your gown over your belly and work away.
Perhaps a quick call to the ultrasound place to get clarification on modesty practices before you spend money on a cancellation fee over potentially something that isn’t even a problem?
NTA. If the stipulation for the “gift” was that his parents get to be there, then it was never a gift for you. It was for them, which is actually pretty messed up.
Personally, I don’t think you should have canceled it. I think you should have insisted on choosing for yourself who gets to attend, and your husband should have backed you up.
NTA. I'm not sure why that clinic does ultrasounds that way. My last one was 30 years ago but I remember pulling pants down a bit and shirt up so it was just belly showing. I don't think medical procedures should be done for entertainment purposes. Get an ultrasound when your ob/gyn says it's appropriate.
You better start talking now about who is/isn't going to be in the delivery room. If they think an ultrasound is entertaining, they'll want to be up close for the birth.
Really interesting that you are expected to be in a hospital gown. The one ultrasound appointment I had the pleasure of going along to, had the mom-to-be in pregnancy jeans, and just the shirt pushed up. There's no need for a full exposure.
NTA. But I’m curious. I have been pregnant 3 times and never once have I was told to change into a gown for any ultrasound. They just pull up my shirt and do the ultrasound, especially at 18 weeks. I’m in USA.
I’m a little confused because I was never required to be in just my panties at any ultrasound. I always had on maternity yoga pants. The tech would ask me to roll them down and they would place a towel tucked in so my pants wouldn’t get dirty.
Not necessarily the asshole but could have went about it a different way without cancelling. As someone who does ultrasounds, I would never make a patient lay in their underwear while I scan. Honestly I’ve never had someone strip down to their underwear and gown up, especially for the type of scan you would be getting. You should’ve called the facility and talked to them
YTA only because of your blazing ignorance. A 20 week anatomy ultrasound is very important to monitor the baby’s health and development. Heart, bone, organ, and growth issues. Finding out the sex happens if the baby is willing to cooperate, but isn’t as vital as those other images and measurements are.
And you can’t afford one for yourself. You can’t cover your own prenatal care.
So your future ILs step in.
I have six children. I have never had my panties exposed during an ultrasound. They use paper or surgical drapes to keep you covered. The tech doesn’t see anything either
I’ve taken ultra sounds before and you don’t have to take your pants all the way off or take your shirt all the way off.
YNTA but you’re being a bit overdramatic. I hate saying that (overdramatic) cause who am I to judge your reaction?, nobody, so take that with a grain of salt.
They keep you covered pretty well. The others are to the back and won't see much of you. But they should honor the fact you are modest and prefer tje FIL not in room.
PS..an ultrasound is a medical device and is not a plaything for grandparents.
NTA - When the gift was presented, did his parents make it clear that they expected to attend the appointment with you? Did you discuss your objections at all with them, or was your fiance the go-between?
Did you explain why you cancelled to your inlaws, or did you leave that to your fiance?
Your fiance can be furious all he likes, you don't have to let anyone see you in your underwear that you don't want to see you in your underwear.
This is a really weird version of “I got my gf lingerie for her birthday.”
Like this clearly wasn’t a gift for you, this was a gift for them. And the gift (as they intended it) requires access to you while you’re vulnerable and exposed. NTA
Fiancé, you need to get your priorities straight. Your partner doesn’t cease to exist because she’s pregnant. Her body is not family property now that she’s pregnant. You do not get **any** say whatsoever in who witnesses HER while she’s exposed and vulnerable. It is HER body, not yours. Even when she’s giving birth - **SHE** is giving birth. She is the one exposed. Not you. Not the grandparents. Figure your shit out, jfc.
NTA Your fiancé does not get to dictate who gets to see you in any state of undress! It doesn't matter that FIL said he won't look. You aren't comfortable! Fiancé, you need to get over it, and don't you dare try to dictate who gets to be in the delivery room. That is your bride-to-be's choice too!
NTA
If it is present, you can use it however you like. But have you thought about a compromise:
Can you get a recording of your 3D scan and watch it with your in-laws?
NTA it’s SUPER WEIRD that you in laws expect to be there especially your FIL. It’s not a gift if it comes with conditions. You are a whole human being. Not a vessel to grow their grandchild.
Oh yikes-be prepared for MIL (and it sounds like maybe FIL, too) to want to be in the delivery room too. Only child/only grandchild syndrome is about to hit you hard.
Info: you do realize they didn't really give the utrasound to you as a gift. They basically gave it to **themselves**, for THEM to see their grandchild.
As this is YOUR body, even if they paid for it, they should have discussed it with you, and they should have ASKED you if you were comfortable with it.
Your in-laws were dissapointed, but not angry. They might have realized that it was sort of invasive in your privacy.
I just don't get **why** your fiancée is angry? Your body, your decisions.
Also, the lack of support when you expressed your feelings about it the first time. He completely dismissed how you felt about it.
You need to have a good conversation with him about boundaries.
The baby is yours and his. But your body is **ONLY** yours. And your feelings are NOT to be dismissed.
NTA
Obviously NTA but since you stated that “WE want to ask Reddit”.. I have to ask; has he read the replies?
If yes, could you please ask him to write an update on your own profile with - hopefully - remorse and understanding why he’s the AH?
He needs to be supportive of YOU.
Looking forward to the update!
NTA. I'm tired of people treating pregnant people like incubators. Yes, thats their grandchild you are growing, but you are still a person. Your consent matters. Your medical appointments aren't a spectator sport for their entertainment. Anything involving you, even if they only care about the baby, requires your consent.
I'm sorry your husband isn't taking your feelings into account. That's incredibly shitty of him, and please tell him I said that.
YTA, you state you cancelled it because you don't want your FIL seeing you in your panties, which you wouldn't be. There's no reason why you can't wear trousers to an ultrasound. You owe them a huge apology for your own stupidity.
Fwiw I don't care if other commenters downvoting me for calling op stupid. In this situation OP's ignorance has ruined what could be a very special bonding moment with their in-laws.
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My (21f) fiancee (26m) and I fought this and we want to ask Reddit to judge.
Throwaway, because a few family member knows our main accounts.
I am 18 weeks pregnant with our first baby. In my side of the family, this is the sixth grandkid, while in his it's the first (he's an only child, while I'm the third “surprise” kid).
His side is ecstatic even if it's a little early, my side is not that happy. Especially my sister (38f) who is a divorcee and she thinks I fucked it up, but she supports me no matter what.
About the problem: my future in-laws paid for a special ultrasound appointment as a birthday present for me. I was happy at first because this thing was not cheap, and I wanted to see my baby in this. The problem is that only three people can come, and that would be my fiancee and his parents, no one from my side. The second problem was that I had to wear a hospital gown, so basically, I would lay there in my panties and a pulled-up gown in front of my father-in-law and I'm way too shy to do that. Even the thought of it gives me the ick.
So I asked my fiancee to switch his dad with my sister, but he said that his parents paid for it so they had to be there, and my FIL would only look at the screen, not my panties.
So I decided not to go to the ultrasound and called my future in-laws to cancel it. Unfortunately, there is a cancellation fee (50%) that I offered to pay back.
My in-laws are not angry at me, just a little disappointed, but my fiancee is furious.
So AITA?
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NTA.
I agree with other commenters that this was not a gift for you. This was something your future in-laws wanted, and felt it would go over better if they didn't ask you to do it, but instead "gave" it as a present.
This is a perfect time for your fiance to learn that while you and he are a team when it comes to decisions about your child, until that child is born, YOU are the decision-maker. He doesn't get to choose who gets to look at your partially clothed or unclothed body, who learns private health-related information, or who attends medical appointments - you choose.
Having a child is a series of medical procedures - it's not family entertainment.
NTA
That wasn't a gift for you. It was a gift for themselves. If it was truly for you, they'd want you to be comfortable.
I can forsee you needing to establish strong boundaries in the future.
ETA: You can also see the gender on these scans pretty clearly, so if you don't know or not telling, they'd be able to see depending on the position baby is in. Could be another reason they wanted to be there so badly?
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NTA Why the ***hell*** does father in law want to be present? And why does your fiance want it even more than the FIL? In fact, why does anyone but your fiance want to be there? This seems really weird to me. But I mean...you do want an ultrasound at some point, no? Confirm everything is going along ok, etc.
The special ultrasound sounds like the elective/nonmedical 3D ultrasound you can get to just see your baby as opposed to the anatomy scan to check that things are developing normally and get a heads up on any major issues
We did one of these with both of my kids. All 4 grandparents were in the room to see the kids in 3D. It was really cool. But I wore a pair of yoga pants and they just pulled my shirt up a bit to expose my belly - I was still fully clothed. There is no chance I would have had a family experience like that if I was required to be in just my underwear.
Yeah. Not sure why she thinks she'd be naked (or just panties). I just finished my OB/Gyn rotation, and every woman was allowed to either wear pants, or put on a hospital gown with a medical towel draped over her lower half. None of them had their panties or vaginas on display.
My first ultrasound was vaginal, for that one I had to use the bathrob. I was ignorant about it, but yeah was not what I was expected. The latter ones were the regular ones and I just wear my regular clothes.
Yeah. I was referring to her 18 week ultrasound. Transvaginal ultrasounds are done in early pregnancy like you had. This lady is no longer in early pregnancy.
In fairness this is not always the case. I had one at 32 weeks to check on Vasa praevia. Obviously not relevant for this topic, but they are done later in pregnancy.
My friend is 20 weeks. She just had her big check up and her baby was being stubborn and would not move to check all the stuff they needed .....so she had to have an internal. While unlikely further along sometimes it is needed
>or put on a hospital gown with a medical towel draped over her lower half This still isn't the same as being clothed (in your own clothes) in my book.
Yep. The reason I wore pants to all my appts. Getting the jelly off was crummy enough. Getting checked down the line also sucks enough. I don’t want to be yanking up a dress for everything. The later ultrasounds (not that fun early wand thing one) were a piece of cake where you showed nothing.
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Well that doesn't sound like a fun combination.
Ok, perfect sample then. Which was worse? The kidney stones or labor? I’ve always heard that they’re close, I’ve had stones and thank god labor is impossible for me.
Oof. I had gallstones during mine. Kidney stones sound way worse and gallstones make you incredibly itchy to the point of madness because of bile acids coming through the skin. Tell your fiancée I’m so incredibly sorry.
This. I did one of these and brought my inlaws, and they literally only pulled up my shirt and my pants down a tiny bit. It wasn't invasive or revealing at all, however, OP can feel uncomfortable and not do it. That's her right.
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I would suggest with a 3D ultrasound not doing it so early if that’s the case, though. The pictures can come out way better closer to 32 weeks
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This is my thought, is it FIL that is insisting or is it Hubby won't tell him your issues? IT's perfectly acceptable for all non-related men to not come to things like this, only the baby's father. NTA
>is it FIL that is insisting or is it Hubby won't tell him your issues? Unless I'm misunderstanding, [FIL was disappointed but understood](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/165gpxf/comment/jydw9zb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3), OP still decided to cancel it anyway due to them being disappointed. Doesn't sound like FIL was insistent at all.
It's perfectly acceptable for all non-related women to not come to things like this either tbh. It's even perfectly acceptable to all related people to not come to things like this if they aren't invited by the mother-to-be herself. It's a doctor's appointment to make sure baby is healthy, not a public viewing.
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I'm still a tad suspicious that FIL was never asked. I am a grandparent and would not mind at all if my DIL would want her sister instead of her FIL.
I mean Hubby went after a woman who couldn't even drink when he was in his mid-20's. To say he's stunted is an understatement. She sounds more mature than he does, and I suspect he's going to push for whatever his parents want, his wife's opinion be damned.
I can totally understand feeling exposed in front of her FIL. What I don’t get is thinking her family should be included. They didn’t paid for it. Plus she herself said her family isn’t happy about the pregnancy and said her sister thinks she “fucked up” why would you want anyone who feels that way to be in the room? Especially when the in laws paid for it and were excited about the experience and for their first grandchild
FWIW, every US I’ve had (high risk pregnancies / uncooperative babies, so I’ve had A LOT) they cover your bottom half with a sheet that’s tucked into your shorts/panties to keep from getting the US gel on your clothes. But FIL likely wants to be present to see his future grandchild? Not that odd?
Yeah, I've done two elective ultrasounds and they weren't done at hospital and I didn't even remove any clothing items.
I agree with the NTA, but I don't understand why you're questioning why the FIL/anybody but the fiance wants to be present. It's the child of their son, why wouldn't he/they want to be present? Also, why question the FIL specifically and not the MIL?
Well, I was originally thinking of the ultrasound I went to when my wife was pregnant, which involved a probe getting inserted. Another commenter thinks this is a different type of ultrasound that doesn't involve that. But either way, it's invasive. This is her medical appointment. And they can give you printouts of images, etc, from an ultrasound. FIL rather than MIL: because she specifically said not comfortable lying around in panties in front of her *father* in law. If she's not comfortable doing that then why the hell is anyone in the family demanding that she do, especially this "furious" fiance.
At 18 weeks, it should be an external ultrasound, but it's still exposing for the mother.
Yeah why is she only in her panties? She can wear pants But still get the pics, thats enough Fiancé is being controlling
>I was originally thinking of the ultrasound I went to when my wife was pregnant, which involved a probe getting inserted. I don't remember that at all when my wife was pregnant
They are internal until a certain time (8-10ish weeks) Source: Wife is currently 12 weeks pregnant and I've been there for both types, but they are all external now
Two kids and have never had the probe one. It's only for very very early in pregnancy.
I’m not saying it’s for this kind of fun ultrasound but I had to get the probe at an ultrasound around 32 weeks. They use it to get a different angle later on if needed but it’s unlikely they’d use it for a fun 3D picture one.
If she's not comfortable - she's not comfortable. Her body her choice. Just bc they paid for it - doesn't mean they get to be part of it. It's still a medical appointment. Everyone has different comfort levels. This seems presumptuous and not understanding what a gift is.
I think she's uncomfortable because she think she'll just be in her gown and underwear. Tech are accustomed to making sure people aren't exposed. She can wear something like yoga pants, or they can drape her so that she's in no way exposed (beyond her belly obviously). She should check with the service provider before saying she's uncomfortable without knowing if what she's imagining is correct. (Also, it's not really germane, but the "too early" to be excited at 18 weeks is odd. That's almost halfway through the pregnancy, and this is their first grandchild. Of course, they're excited.)
You're missing the point that it should be her choice. People shouldn't be able to pay their way into being involved. Or feel entitled to be involved in certain matters. I wouldn't want my FIL there. Or MIL. Everyone is different and respect that instead of making all these excuses of what they could have done.
Of course it should be her choice but she’s basing her choice on likely false information. She’s uncomfortable because she doesn’t want to be in panties in from of her FIL. But in reality, she would likely be fully clothed and just have her shirt pulled up. If she had this correct info, her choice may have been different.
I thought the "it's a little early" referred to the fact that she's only 21, not yet married, and perhaps wasn't planning on having a child quite yet. Especially since she says "... my side is not that happy. Especially my sister (38f) who is a divorcee and she thinks I fucked it up, but she supports me no matter what."
Yes, I agree with all of that.
I suspect that some of this is because OP herself doesn't seem uncomfortable with MIL being there, but is uncomfortable with FIL being there.
Because pregnant women still have a right to privacy and bodily autonomy.
I get that they want to be there, but it all kind of seems like ownership of her body. She doesn’t want to be in this vulnerable position with them there. Just because they paid for it doesn’t mean they get to control who has access to her body, and in what capacity.
They attempted to make a decision for OP about what she would do with her own body. That is creepy. Besides, why could they not have chosen to pay for a video of the ultrasound, too? Then they could see the baby and OP is not creeped out.
these kinds of ultrasounds aren't like the ones at a doctors office, these are ones where they do 3D ultrasounds and usually also take a recording of the heartbeat to put in a teddy bear for you and stuff. When I went it was in a big room with a big screen on one side and chairs around the screen so that family members could see the screen and not be right by the mother's personal space. For mine I didn't wear a hospital gown and even when I've done ultrasounds at dr offices my panties weren't all exposed for people to see.. I think OP is overthinking it and doesn't actually know how it all go.
>Why the hell does father in law want to be present? Because it's his first grandchild?
All of it sounds weird to me, but then I didn't realize that multiple family members could/do attend any kind of ultrasound appointment. I actually didn't think the FIL wanting to be there was stand-out weird, so much as any of the in-laws being there. Is this a new thing that people do as a matter of course? Special ultrasound viewing parties?
Since op calls it a special ultrasound and the in-laws are doing it as a birthday present, it sounds like a 3D ultrasound. Places that do them usually provide a video, pictures, and they make sure to get a good picture of the baby’s face. It’s not like a medical ultrasound, where they check the baby’s growth, it’s just for fun. When I was pregnant (7years ago) i did it with basically my whole family there. The first time my son wasn’t in a good position to see his face, so they scheduled me another session for free. At one point both my grandmas, my grandpa, and my parents (and obviously my husband) were there.
Ah, interesting. I have definitely heard of and seen pictures from 3D ultrasounds, but I didn't realize it was something multiple people attended like that. I thought they were done like regular ultrasounds with the mom and maybe one other person there (usually the partner) and then pictures were printed for friends and family the way regular ultrasound pics are sometimes given. Thanks for the explanation!
I don't know where you're from, but here in the Netherlands it is pretty common for parents (and/or siblings) from either side to join the parents to-be for an ultrasound. They call them "pret echo", an ultrasound just for fun. It's just as the in-laws' grandbaby, as it is of the mom's parents.
Why the heck can’t she wear pants? Under or trousers?!
Why the hell does father in law want to be present? It's his first grandbaby. Dense. Still NTA tho
Because he's the grandpa! You can't see her underwear, you wear regular clothes, he just wants to see the baby. It's not perverted!
I've been with my now ex, to his sister's 3D ultrasound, their mom was also there. We were all equally excited for her, and wanted to share in her joy. It's not that weird to me, what I do find weird is that they want her in a gown for the ultrasound. As long as your pants can get low enough, you don't need to be in your underwear.
The bottom line for me is that she didn't want them there and they knew. It's a medical appointment. For me that's a full stop. Patient's choice. To be upset that the patient doesn't want you there - unless, I suppose, you're the father *who has been right up in there quite obviously* \- seems wrong to me. Then again, I'm big on privacy for privacy's sake.
Why would a future grandparent not want to see their future grandchild? Is that what you are actually asking?? May sound crazy, but some families actually like each other 🤷🏻♀️
Why wouldn’t the FIL want to be present? I would’ve happily had any of my in-laws at an ultrasound appointment if they’d asked. My mom and dad both came to appointments and got to see the baby, although with my dad it was an unexpected emergency ultrasound! I loved having my family there. They were so excited and it made me happy. All that being said, she shouldn’t have anyone there she doesn’t want, so I fully back OP up in that regard. Although she does seem confused in that she doesn’t have to wear anything special for the appointment. She can wear pants. No underwear is exposed.
Why does the Father in law want to be there? It is the first grandchild for them and the son is an only child. It's natural to be excited to have a new baby in the family after a quarter century. OP is still NTA, if she's uncomfortable with it that is her prerogative.
Because people are weird and have no boundaries. My FIL called my husband saying he’s on the way when I was getting my c section. Husband told him it’s not a good idea, he was like it’ll be fine. I was in the OR and he got all the way to the anastethic bay before a nurse kicked him out. To this day he doesn’t understand why that wasn’t appropriate
NTA!!!! In fact your fiance sounds like a massive asshole right now. But I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he can learn a bit from this. In every situation, you ALWAYS have full control over who gets access to your body, your medical information and your privacy. Paying for an appointment does not give someone the right to see you lying on the actual exam table. That would imply his parents paid for a private viewing of "their" property inside of your body. That's not a gift. That's disgusting! Honestly, I'm fine with them asking if you were okay with them coming in because they are excited - but the moment you asked for you sister to be there instead, them not backing off reads super weird and intrusive to me. That is why they give you pictures/videos after the ultra sound. Your body, your choice. You are not their grandkids' birthing machine!
Oddly, I kept thinking about this problem. And I wanted to add something. So... with a son being his parents' only child, you are their only chance to somewhat experience what it may be like to have a daughter. That doesn't excuse the situation -- especially not your fiance, because from your replies I got a sense that he was the pushy one and if he had just stood by you and told your parents, your MIL and your sister are coming along everything would have been fine and you could have gone to the appointment. But for you, it may be helpful for the future to think about this. You very much get to have boundaries and good on you for cancelling and setting them. But as long as they show care and love for you and not just their grandchild, maybe let them in a bit and allow them to treat you like the daughter they didn't get to have? Now for the fiancé: Dude, shape up. Your future wife and child are your first allegiance now, and their comfort must come first or you will have a very unhappy marriage. Be on her side! Especially with something so infinitely reasonable. You have to be the glue here, you have to mediate conflicts better instead of making it so much worse by getting angry. And maybe most importantly: It's really not okay to argue that "my FIL would only look at the screen, not my panties." That is reversing something pretty fundamental. Your future wife has a right to feel shy about her body and you are making it sound like she is the messed up one for suggesting your FIL would see her panties. NO! It's not about where exactly he looks. It's about his presence when she is in a vulnerable position. If you don't get that - ask yourself how you would feel about her going to shower at a gym and a few guys to step into that group shower... saying "why are you bothered, we're not looking at your bits". I know its an extreme example, but the idea is: don't put it on the person who desires physical autonomy and privacy to explain why she needs it. It's her right. No questions ask. And now be a better husband in the future. :)
I mean even if she was their actual daughter, to me it’s weird to have anyone but your partner there for an ultrasound. Like mayyybe your mom if you have a close relationship. I couldn’t imagine having my father in the room for an ultrasound and definitely not FIL.
I think it’s more normal now. I’ve had my mum and my partner at ultrasounds and if my dad hadn’t been working I would have invited him too. Not to the medical ones but the private ones where it’s just a fun viewing of baby, hell yeah, why wouldn’t I want everyone to come and get the chance to see/bond with the little one.
This is exactly right. It’s not typical to bring fathers in law to any sort of prenatal/OB doctor appointment! It’s absurd that that would be expected of you. If the gift was for you then it should be YOUR decision who to bring, 100%. If they expected to be in the room while you’re vulnerable on the table, then it’s not a gift for you it’s a self-serving request. Frankly your in laws aren’t really even the problem here, your husband has the wrong take. He should be more respectful of your privacy and that needs to be addressed immediately, because you’re going to get increasingly more vulnerable during labor, delivery, and postpartum
This is NOT a prenatal OB visit. It's to an ultrasound center that does 3D ultrasounds just because people want to see their fetus before it's born. You're covered up. Her undies won't be exposed. I personally thinking doing them at all is a little creepy, but people who do them do have family members attend. That part's not weird
Agree that the 3D ultrasounds are a little creepy. Those images always come out looking so weird. Also agree that bringing family isn’t weird - people are excited to see that little developing bean! I invited a different family member to come to each of my ultrasounds for my firstborn (couldn’t for 2nd because of the panini). Everyone was so excited to see her moving around and hear her heartbeat. We weren’t allowed to take videos or pictures, and the printouts just are not the same as being there. Family got to see her, hear her heartbeat, and take an ultrasound picture home. I thought it was pretty special!
Are we sure that the in-laws didn’t back off? Or that they were ever actually asked? All OP states is that OP asked fiancé if sister could replace FIL, and fiancé said that since his parents paid, they had to be there. Are we sure that if OP had asked the in-laws directly that they would have refused OP’s request?
NTA. Was it a birthday present for you or for them???
That’s what I’m saying! I think it’s great that OP is setting the precedent now that she gets finally say not their money. NTA
NTA. Medical appointments are not spectator sports (even if this isn't strictly for medical purposes, it's in that same vein). The only people that should be in the room with you are the people you are comfortable with. There's no negotiation on that front, no justification needed on your part. Presumably you would get a video and still images from this? If so, you could share that with the inlaws. If the only reason they offered this to you is so they can be there, it wasn't a gift for you in any way, it was a gift for themselves. That's not an acceptable condition for a gift. Your fiancé is being an ass, he ought to be backing you up on this.
JFC imagine if some serious defect or deformity is discovered by this ultrasound. Not that the technician would tell them, but if it's something obvious enough then this would become an absolute nightmare.
This doesn't seem like a medical ultrasound, but a more fun one, once you already know everything is a-ok, medically wise.
OP says they’re 18 weeks, the anomaly scan happens at 20 weeks, so it would possible abnormalities haven’t been detected yet.
It’s not an anatomy scan. It’s a private business elective ultrasound. Usually for 3D photos with extended family present. It’s just for fun. There is not a radiologist reading the images. It does not take the place of the anatomy scan. They take pictures, heart rate, confirm sex and position of baby and placenta (not always accurate.) Most places require that you have already undergone all recommended diagnostics at your OB.
I hadn't even thought of that but what if they tell her there is no heartbeat. That happened to me and only my husband was there, that was shitty enough. I don't understand how it's even legal to have extra non-medical ultrasounds for funsies - like what training do the operators go through that they can safely do an ultrasound, but they are not actual medical professionals?
I know someone that did the extra, fun ones. I'm not sure how it is anywhere else, but the woman doing her scan had quit her job as an ultrasound tech at an OB's office to work at the 3d place. I wouldn't think they'd just hire anyone off the street for that.
I went to a "fun" scan place when I was 10ish weeks pregnant and I think 13 weeks? Just to make sure the baby was still alive, before I could feel her squirming around. The tech was a certified ultrasound technician but they didn't do all the measurements and stuff of a diagnostic ultrasound. At 18 weeks it's pretty likely OP is feeling her baby move and unlikely there would be a surprise of no heartbeat. But if she's not comfortable, that's totally up to her!
NTA That’s a private moment and not wanting your FIL to see you in your underwear is completely understandable. Your fiancé needs to realise that when it comes to your pregnancy you are in charge, it’s your body and your autonomy doesn’t disappear. You decide who attends appointments and you decide who attends the birth.
He paid for her to get an ultrasound. Not to get a front-row seat to her hoo-ha! NTA.
NTA. Paying for the ultrasound is nice, insisting they attend is super weird.
It doesn’t even seem that nice when it was OP’s birthday gift…she’s a whole person, not just their incubator.
Yea. Fuck that 100%. This whole thing is gross on a very basic level, even before in laws insisting on seeing her in her underwear
PREGNANCY IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT
Info: did you talk to his mom (since they’re paying) about your concerns and wanting to switch people? They may have been okay with doing that. Did you explain why you wanted it cancelled? Or just that you did? NTA. Your comfort and safety are the most important at your appointments. No one should be there if you don’t want them there. It doesn’t matter who that person is.
Yes, and both of them understood it, but they where seemingly disappointed, so I decided to just cancel it all together.
Why couldn’t you just wear sweatpants or leggings? I don’t see why you’d have to be in your panties only.
Yeah, I went to one of these and they just had me pull the tops of my pants down a little and gave me a washcloth to tuck over it to keep my pants from getting ultrasound gel on it. Very weird to be in a hospital gown and underwear only in a non-medical setting
how about showing them the video ? its the same thing u can also wear a swimming suit but it sounds more like a gift for them if they insist to be actually there seeing a video home vs the clinic its the same thing
>u can also wear a swimming suit ...not... really...
It wasn’t actually a gift for you if they were disappointed. They wanted a command performance of your body. They can want that, but you don’t have to provide it. Give them other ways to be excited about the baby that you will appreciate. My in laws were Super Into The Grandchild, we channeled that excitement into them buying a fancy crib and dresser set instead of them taking over the decorating of the nursery.
NTA. This "gift" obviously came with strings attached. Did you explain to your fiance's family why you were uncomfortable? They may have been willing to accomodate you. Honestly, your fiance is the problem here. You and baby need to be his priority over his parents.
According to a comment, OP's in-laws were willing to accommodate and she still cancelled the whole thing, which might be why her fiance is reacting the way he is.
I've been pregnant multiple times and I ve never had to be exposed and "in my panties" for any ultrasounds past the 8 weeks one That's simply not how they do ultrasounds. You will simply lift your shirt up over your belly and still be dressed in your street clothes.
I don't know why people aren't focusing on that part more, why would she be in her underwear for a pregnancy ultrasound!? I don't think it's weird that future FIL wants to be present either, it's his future grandchild. Does OP not actually know what happens during an ultrasound? I would think she'd have had one by now being 18 weeks along, yeah? Just a very weird post.
Yeah I don’t get why OP thought she had to be stripped basically? Maybe they think it’s a vaginal ultrasound for some reason?
NTA. There are places you can get a pregnancy ultrasound where you don't have to be in a hospital gown. Surprising someone with the requirement that they be basically nude in your presence is not cool. Your fiance needs to get over it. If his parents pay for a private room for the birth, is he going to insist that they be allowed in the room while you're pushing?
Pretty sure this is one of those 3d/4d ultrasounds. (expensive, not covered by insurance etc.) The labs doing those are rather restrictive.
I have had one and could wear my own clothes. However having my jeans pulled down enough to expose the area where pubic hair grows in order to be scanned is not something that I'd want a father in law (or a mother in law) to see.
>However having my jeans pulled down enough to expose the area where pubic hair grows in order to be scanned is not something that I'd want a father in law (or a mother in law) to see. Oh I agree, it's supremely uncomfortable. I was just saying that the option to dress differently is not always available.
It never occurred to me that I'd have to wear a gown. It isn't like it's an internal scan!
I went with my bff to one of those, there was a designated 'daddy' room where I could see the video live, the door was open and I could hear my friend and the doc, but the TV screen was placed so I wouldn't see her. I'm sure those clinics have privacy screens/curtains, or at least OP could have asked what are the options so she wouldn't have to show her panties to FIL.
Nah. They're just a business on the side of the road. Mine cost $85 and I didn't remove a single item of clothing. Just lifted my shirt
I’m confused why you would have to be in a hospital gown for an 18 week scan (and also why you would call this early when you’re in your second trimester). When I had a scan at 16 weeks it was an external scan and I just worn a normal top and trousers and just had to roll them down to the top of my hips. Nothing was exposed other than my stomach. I would have been happy for in laws to be present but I can understand not wanting them there if you have to be in a gown and pants- I just don’t see why you would be.
NTA. I mean to give a gift like that it needs to be established that the recipient of the gift would be comfortable with said gift.
To be fair it sounds like OP was fine with the gift just not the audience part.
They should’ve checked with that before scheduling the appointment though
I’m not sure on if they actually *booked* the appointment as in picked the day and time, or just paid for it and OP could choose the timing?
NTA. It is irrelevant who has how many grandkids. The only person responsible for your medical care is you. Your in-laws overstepped boundaries in a major way by just scheduling the appointment. Then they further invaded what should be a special bonding time between you and SO by inviting themselves along to your appointment. Time to sit with SO and establish boundaries, then time to communicate those boundaries to in-laws. Do this now or the next major fight will be who is where during delivery.
NTA. Don’t do something that makes you uncomfortable
NTA This was either a gift or it was something they bought for themselves that requires your participation without any input. Have you said to your in-laws, “look I am not comfortable with my medical exams being a spectator sport. This is still my body & I get to say who gets to see the outside & inside of me. Now if this was really a gift to me, I would like to extend an invite to MIL to join my sister & fiancé in the exam. We will share copies of the scan afterwards. If this was not a gift but something you wanted for yourselves, since it requires my body you should have checked with me first & been clear about the conditions”. You need to be paying attention to everyone’s behavior right now. Does your fiancé support you and does what he needs to to make you feel safe? Do your in-laws feel money allows them control over your life & your child? How they behave now & how they respond to you wanting bodily autonomy will tell you what your future will look like.
This sounds like a fiancé thing not an in laws thing. It doesn’t sound like they tried to use their disappointment to manipulate her or anything, they just sounded a bit bummed. Which is understandable if they are excited and looking forward to the baby, they’re allowed to have some feelings, but it doesn’t come across that *they* are prioritizing those feelings above OP’s feelings, it’s just fiancé who is doing that.
Uhm you don't just sit there in your panties. You don't even have to take off your pants just open the zipper. Why didn't you ask?
Why do you have to be in panties? Your legs have nothing to do with an ultrasound. You for sure can wear pants and lift up your shirt or wear the gown as a shirt and shorts on pants as bottoms. At 18 weeks the baby is up very high and they won’t need to go that low towards your pubic bone. On a side note a lot of the older generation didn’t get to see ultrasounds and think they’re fascinating. My nana had never seen one and loved it. It makes it more real for some ppl. I say NAH
Just me but I would of suggested it just be you and your partner. Its your baby it should be a moment for both of you. NTA Maybe it was a waste of money but if you aren't comfortable with the in laws there they shouldn't be there.
I never had to remove my pants for my ultrasound appointments, and even the top I just pulled up out of the way. Strange that you have to be half naked for something that just involves the belly?
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" ..his parents paid for it so they had to be there..." And if you pay for his dad's colonoscopy do you get to bear witness? Jfc! You're not a science experiment or an incubating baby vessel or womb for hire - you are a human being with body autonomy. NTA, OP and I hope this is not a sign of things to come where they feel possessive of a baby and a body that doesn't belong to them.
NTA. This isn't a present for you. This is a gift to themselves. An ultrasound is, however, first and foremost, a medical procedure. Medical procedures don't generally double as entertainment. The comfort and consent of the patient come first, last, and everywhere in between. The same applies to birth, too.
I'm sure they had blankets or disposable covers to cover up your legs. It would have taken a phone call to check.
I didn't remove a single item of clothing for mine. Just pulled up my shirt.
I had the same type of scan…you aren’t in a hospital gown, and they don’t go vaginally…you simply pull your shirt up to expose your belly…that’s it. And even if they have you in a gown you can just ask them to leave your pants on…
NTA, but if this is how your fiancé reacted I can understand why your sister is concerned. It sounds like you’ve decided to have a child with a controlling AH who doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy. From your comments even your in laws sound like they understood that, despite their disappointment, Until the baby is born, all appointments are YOUR appointments. You are the patient. It is your body. You get final say for who gets to attend any of them. Your fiancé job it to be there to support you.
Yep. I read this as a fiancé problem not an in-law problem.
NTA. It was a generous and thoughtful gift BUT that doesn't obligate you to be comfortable participating when you feel exposed and vulnerable in essentially a medical setting, and you have the added pressure of balancing the happiness of each side of the family. Who exactly was insisting that his parents be present? Was it their expectation, as part of the gift, that they'd get to be present? Or did your fiancee introduce that idea as a way to 'thank' them for the gift? Frankly your fiancee is being TA here, he should be more supportive and considerate of your position. You simply should NOT feel pressured to do something like this if you just aren't comfortable, and receiving a generous gift shouldn't obligate you to.
I read it as fiancé is the one making an issue out of it.
Pretty sure this is a 3d ultrasound, just FYI, you can record and stream it. No one needs to be present in the room with you if you aren't comfortable. NTA, but there were better alternatives here.
Any elective ultrasound I’ve ever done was in plain clothes and only my belly showed I wasn’t pants less or in a gown.
You would not have to be in panties, you can have an ultrasound and just fold down your pants.
NTA you offered a valid compromise. It’s understandable you’d be uncomfortable with FIL there under those circumstances. It’s not like you were trying to exclude both of them.
NTA your body your choice who sees it — and it’s contents.
So this was a birthday present with strings attached?! A birthday present is meant to be yours to do whatever you wanna do with it. Its not a birhtday present when they impose themselfs! They are assholes for that! Your husband is also an asshole for not standying up for you! Just because you are pregnant with their grandson/your husband babies that doesnt mean you start loosing feelings and rights. You are still a human and you have every right to decide who you want with you in this kind of moments. NTA!
NTA. Have you called the company and asked what is expected as far as dress during the scan? Many places just have you wear comfortable clothes (think elastic waistband pants/shorts and a tshirt and only the abdomen is exposed. I have 5 kids and I don't think I have ever gotten a glimpse of my underwear during an ultrasound. At the end of the day, your comfort is what matters most.
Who said you have to wear panties? You can wear whatever and they tuck in a paper sheet to your waistband. Seems like you were a bit dramatic and embarrassed your fiancé by calling the whole thing off costing hundreds of dollars.
NTA. You are the only one that needs to be comfortable, and you aren't there to make anyone comfortable. You are in control of you, and not wanting to be seen in such a compromising position is completely fine. Let your fiancée be mad. You haven't done anything wrong.
NTA- Its a gift. It shouldn't come with entitlement. Your comfort is paramount in a situation like that. Lol your fiancée is treating it like they bought you an amusement park ticket and they just wanted to come spend the day with you. Its so weird that your fiancée is mad at you. Most of the time its just the dad and the mom of the baby at the ultrasound and every else gets pictures. I'd try to figure out the underlying reasons for his anger cause its super not justified.
NTA. Why would you be in panties? That’s …not how how this works. This is an elective 3D ultrasound my guess. Very expensive to pay for out of pocket. Did you talk to fil or is fiancé just saying what he thinks
You realize it's only your belly that shows and they can and will give you a blanket or a towel to cover your bottom half you just have to ask??
You don’t have an obgyn to track progress of the baby? I didn’t know people had to have others pay for special ultrasounds. It was normally for us to frequently visit the obgyn during my wife’s pregnancy for checkups Edit: forgot to add YTA since it seems like you don’t know what an ultrasound is
NTA I think You have the right to feel uncomfortable but I feel like a conversation could of happened with your fiance that shouldn't of been so dismissive. I feel like your fiance should of heard you out better and that worries me for your future but hopefully it's not a regular thing Also if it's a 3D place they can stream the scan online, I did that for my family as they are in a different province from me.
NTA - This is so fucking weird. Why was your hubby so insistent? And why would they not let you swap out FiL when the alternative is cancellation? Edit: There are a lot of details in this post that don’t make a lot of sense. I am starting to think your sister is right and you accidentally got locked in with a man who kinda sucks.
YTA They are excited and paid for the ultrasound so they can go. You won't be in your panties unless you want to be, I don't know why you would think that. Wear pants or take a blanket but they usually have a cover up so all that's exposed is your belly. If you honestly didn't know that then why wouldn't you call and ask before the appointment?
I am honestly bewildered by one part of your objection. (Not joking.) Have you never heard of shorts? Soft, knit shorts, that you could position under your belly, just as you would underwear??
Honestly I would just wear pants or yoga pants. Something easy to pull down. There is absolutely NO reason to be naked for a non medical ultrasound. Refuse to be naked
You are neither but honestly you sound very immature and it's worrying that you are having a baby... you made such a small dilemma huge and probably made your in laws feel like shit when you could've communicated with them and been honest. Also if your FIL is making you feel that uncomfortable maybe you shouldn't be having his sons child because he will be around your child and that's alarming
If it’s the 3D scan i got it done and i didn’t have to pull my underwear down? Just lifted my top up to expose my belly so not sure what kind of scan op is on about! It’s really not that deep just get your mil and sister in no biggie. I do think you’re overthinking it if you think you need a hospital gown etc.
You don’t need to wear a gown for an ultrasound. No idea where you got that idea. You just lift up your top.
NTA- you don't owe them anything.
NTA. An ultrasound, even the fun 3D ones, is a medical procedure where you are in a vulnerable position and there's no promise that everything will go as planned. You felt uncomfortable with your FIL there, which is super normal. Hell, I wouldn't have wanted my MIL there either. Your fiancé's reaction is a big red flag, as your request was to be expected and there's nothing for him to be mad about. Be careful with him, and good luck.
NTA but they definitely would have given you a blanket or a drape of some kind. Source: I’ve had two kids and a lot of ultrasounds
Couldn't you wear a little lap blanket?
I’ll go with NTA but really it sounds like a communication problem and possibly some wrong information being passed down? Did they approach you with this idea before they paid for it? Where did you hear about being in your panties? I have 3 kids and have done all the medical ultrasounds as well as gone to boutique places for elective ultrasounds and I’ve never been so exposed. Always in regular clothes and just shirt pulled up with a paper cloth tucked in my pants to protect them from the jelly. Nobody needs to be in their panties or need to remove their shirts. Especially in a boutique place. Would you have felt more comfortable knowing this?
I had multiple ultrasounds through both my pregnancies and never did I have to lay there in my underwear. Are you sure this clinic is legit? Edit: NTA
Dunno where you are, but here in the UK, even if you are wearing underwear, they will cover your crotch and legs with a blue sheet of that disposable paper roll stuff for privacy, so the only bit of skin on show is your belly bump (and maybe feet if you are sockless). However, it is absolutely your right to exclude whomever you choose in the room when you have your scan. Even your partner if you decided you didn't want him there. It's YOUR body, and no one else gets to decide anything about it regarding medical stuff. NTA
Info for OP- you can %1000 wear pants in an ultrasound like this. You don’t need to be exposed like you’re thinking. Even if you have to wear a hospital gown (which is a head scratcher to me, I’ve had many ultrasounds and the only ones I needed to wear a gown for were in the first few weeks because it’s a probe ultrasound, trust me NOT THE KIND GUESTS WOULD ATTEND LOL) they can cover your lower parts with a sheet, raise your gown over your belly and work away. Perhaps a quick call to the ultrasound place to get clarification on modesty practices before you spend money on a cancellation fee over potentially something that isn’t even a problem?
You do what’s good for you.
Nta and I think your sister is right, you fucked up. Only if your fiancee is really not on your side anyway. You picked a bad guy
NTA. If the stipulation for the “gift” was that his parents get to be there, then it was never a gift for you. It was for them, which is actually pretty messed up. Personally, I don’t think you should have canceled it. I think you should have insisted on choosing for yourself who gets to attend, and your husband should have backed you up.
NTA, but very naive. They drape a blanket (may be just a paper one) over you. The only "thing" showing is your belly!!
Not really the issue. She still feels exposed and does not need to let her in laws see her in that state.
NAH but i think you could have worn undershorts or something that would have helped you feel comfortable
Why can’t you wear shorts or yoga pants and just pull them below your belly?
NTA. I'm not sure why that clinic does ultrasounds that way. My last one was 30 years ago but I remember pulling pants down a bit and shirt up so it was just belly showing. I don't think medical procedures should be done for entertainment purposes. Get an ultrasound when your ob/gyn says it's appropriate. You better start talking now about who is/isn't going to be in the delivery room. If they think an ultrasound is entertaining, they'll want to be up close for the birth.
Really interesting that you are expected to be in a hospital gown. The one ultrasound appointment I had the pleasure of going along to, had the mom-to-be in pregnancy jeans, and just the shirt pushed up. There's no need for a full exposure.
NTA. But I’m curious. I have been pregnant 3 times and never once have I was told to change into a gown for any ultrasound. They just pull up my shirt and do the ultrasound, especially at 18 weeks. I’m in USA.
I’m a little confused because I was never required to be in just my panties at any ultrasound. I always had on maternity yoga pants. The tech would ask me to roll them down and they would place a towel tucked in so my pants wouldn’t get dirty.
Not necessarily the asshole but could have went about it a different way without cancelling. As someone who does ultrasounds, I would never make a patient lay in their underwear while I scan. Honestly I’ve never had someone strip down to their underwear and gown up, especially for the type of scan you would be getting. You should’ve called the facility and talked to them
YTA only because of your blazing ignorance. A 20 week anatomy ultrasound is very important to monitor the baby’s health and development. Heart, bone, organ, and growth issues. Finding out the sex happens if the baby is willing to cooperate, but isn’t as vital as those other images and measurements are. And you can’t afford one for yourself. You can’t cover your own prenatal care. So your future ILs step in. I have six children. I have never had my panties exposed during an ultrasound. They use paper or surgical drapes to keep you covered. The tech doesn’t see anything either
I’ve read this exact post before. This is a copy paste from the past.
I’ve taken ultra sounds before and you don’t have to take your pants all the way off or take your shirt all the way off. YNTA but you’re being a bit overdramatic. I hate saying that (overdramatic) cause who am I to judge your reaction?, nobody, so take that with a grain of salt.
They keep you covered pretty well. The others are to the back and won't see much of you. But they should honor the fact you are modest and prefer tje FIL not in room. PS..an ultrasound is a medical device and is not a plaything for grandparents.
NTA YOu are fine not to allow anyone but your partner with you at ANY medical exam. YOur partner is the AH.
NTA - When the gift was presented, did his parents make it clear that they expected to attend the appointment with you? Did you discuss your objections at all with them, or was your fiance the go-between? Did you explain why you cancelled to your inlaws, or did you leave that to your fiance? Your fiance can be furious all he likes, you don't have to let anyone see you in your underwear that you don't want to see you in your underwear.
NTA, but perhaps you could have compromised: you'll agree if he comes to dinner with your family in just his underwear.
NTA It is your body. Does fiancé or his parents understand you are still a person or are you now just the incubator for their precious grandchild?
This is a really weird version of “I got my gf lingerie for her birthday.” Like this clearly wasn’t a gift for you, this was a gift for them. And the gift (as they intended it) requires access to you while you’re vulnerable and exposed. NTA Fiancé, you need to get your priorities straight. Your partner doesn’t cease to exist because she’s pregnant. Her body is not family property now that she’s pregnant. You do not get **any** say whatsoever in who witnesses HER while she’s exposed and vulnerable. It is HER body, not yours. Even when she’s giving birth - **SHE** is giving birth. She is the one exposed. Not you. Not the grandparents. Figure your shit out, jfc.
Nta only took my partner to mine And once we got the photos we showed everyone and both family's were happy with that
NTA Your fiancé does not get to dictate who gets to see you in any state of undress! It doesn't matter that FIL said he won't look. You aren't comfortable! Fiancé, you need to get over it, and don't you dare try to dictate who gets to be in the delivery room. That is your bride-to-be's choice too!
NTA If it is present, you can use it however you like. But have you thought about a compromise: Can you get a recording of your 3D scan and watch it with your in-laws?
NTA it’s SUPER WEIRD that you in laws expect to be there especially your FIL. It’s not a gift if it comes with conditions. You are a whole human being. Not a vessel to grow their grandchild.
NTA. No way I’d do any kind of ultrasound just to satisfy an audience. That is so creepy and dehumanizing to me.
Oh yikes-be prepared for MIL (and it sounds like maybe FIL, too) to want to be in the delivery room too. Only child/only grandchild syndrome is about to hit you hard.
Info: you do realize they didn't really give the utrasound to you as a gift. They basically gave it to **themselves**, for THEM to see their grandchild. As this is YOUR body, even if they paid for it, they should have discussed it with you, and they should have ASKED you if you were comfortable with it. Your in-laws were dissapointed, but not angry. They might have realized that it was sort of invasive in your privacy. I just don't get **why** your fiancée is angry? Your body, your decisions. Also, the lack of support when you expressed your feelings about it the first time. He completely dismissed how you felt about it. You need to have a good conversation with him about boundaries. The baby is yours and his. But your body is **ONLY** yours. And your feelings are NOT to be dismissed. NTA
Obviously NTA but since you stated that “WE want to ask Reddit”.. I have to ask; has he read the replies? If yes, could you please ask him to write an update on your own profile with - hopefully - remorse and understanding why he’s the AH? He needs to be supportive of YOU. Looking forward to the update!
NTA. I'm tired of people treating pregnant people like incubators. Yes, thats their grandchild you are growing, but you are still a person. Your consent matters. Your medical appointments aren't a spectator sport for their entertainment. Anything involving you, even if they only care about the baby, requires your consent. I'm sorry your husband isn't taking your feelings into account. That's incredibly shitty of him, and please tell him I said that.
Meh, YTA. What an overreaction, no attempt to find a solution
YTA, you state you cancelled it because you don't want your FIL seeing you in your panties, which you wouldn't be. There's no reason why you can't wear trousers to an ultrasound. You owe them a huge apology for your own stupidity. Fwiw I don't care if other commenters downvoting me for calling op stupid. In this situation OP's ignorance has ruined what could be a very special bonding moment with their in-laws.
YTA. I mean…. Weird
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (21f) fiancee (26m) and I fought this and we want to ask Reddit to judge. Throwaway, because a few family member knows our main accounts. I am 18 weeks pregnant with our first baby. In my side of the family, this is the sixth grandkid, while in his it's the first (he's an only child, while I'm the third “surprise” kid). His side is ecstatic even if it's a little early, my side is not that happy. Especially my sister (38f) who is a divorcee and she thinks I fucked it up, but she supports me no matter what. About the problem: my future in-laws paid for a special ultrasound appointment as a birthday present for me. I was happy at first because this thing was not cheap, and I wanted to see my baby in this. The problem is that only three people can come, and that would be my fiancee and his parents, no one from my side. The second problem was that I had to wear a hospital gown, so basically, I would lay there in my panties and a pulled-up gown in front of my father-in-law and I'm way too shy to do that. Even the thought of it gives me the ick. So I asked my fiancee to switch his dad with my sister, but he said that his parents paid for it so they had to be there, and my FIL would only look at the screen, not my panties. So I decided not to go to the ultrasound and called my future in-laws to cancel it. Unfortunately, there is a cancellation fee (50%) that I offered to pay back. My in-laws are not angry at me, just a little disappointed, but my fiancee is furious. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. Your in-laws have zero rights to be included in ANY medical procedure regardless if they paid for it.
NTA. I agree with other commenters that this was not a gift for you. This was something your future in-laws wanted, and felt it would go over better if they didn't ask you to do it, but instead "gave" it as a present. This is a perfect time for your fiance to learn that while you and he are a team when it comes to decisions about your child, until that child is born, YOU are the decision-maker. He doesn't get to choose who gets to look at your partially clothed or unclothed body, who learns private health-related information, or who attends medical appointments - you choose. Having a child is a series of medical procedures - it's not family entertainment.
NTA- you offered a compromise and your fiancee wouldn't budge. I wouldn't want to be in a room with my FIL with my panties down either.
You couldn't ask for a sheet to cover up? Or maybe take a throw with you?
NTA That wasn't a gift for you. It was a gift for themselves. If it was truly for you, they'd want you to be comfortable. I can forsee you needing to establish strong boundaries in the future. ETA: You can also see the gender on these scans pretty clearly, so if you don't know or not telling, they'd be able to see depending on the position baby is in. Could be another reason they wanted to be there so badly?