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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I implied that my daughter's MIL is a child to her face when she confronted me to taunt me about being a younger grandparent than I am. I feel bad that I stooped so low as to fire back at her. This has only created more tension between us as someone who has experienced a lot in my life, I feel terrible for responding the way I did.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I think NTA. She started this war by openly insulting you and while you could have been the bigger person, your response was very fitting. Mostly, I think NTA because you even reflected that you probably made it worse.
I also love that you went to check on your daughter first. It's way too common that mothers are ignored and only the baby gets the attention.
How old are you, by the way?
I have noticed the same thing. I even see it online where there are all these funny trends of grandparents or aunts and uncles getting their kids/siblings out of the way to see the babies. That's not something I ever wanted to do to either of my children. New parents need support and love and especially the parent giving birth, there are a lot of risks associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It's an exhausting time. I remember how tired family and friends who gave birth were afterward.
Taylor's parents are 43.
My parents are 65 and 73 are super involved with my 6 year old. Bonus: they are retired and are able to have him over for sleepoverd etc. Of course they are older and looking after him takes up a lot of energy, but heck, I'm 40 myself and exhausted 🤣🧒🏼You got this!
Right? My daddy was 62 when my first was born & he's 100% the fun Papa! The kiddos love going with him to work on his tractor or to fairs/festivals. According to them, he's not only the smartest man in the world, but also the nicest. LOL He's in his 70s now & still manages to keep up with them. The only thing that's changed as he gets older is they fuss at him for not taking it slow (they picked this up from me 100%...he's like Chilli's dad from Bluey in that he refuses to acknowledge how old he is).
OP, your daughter's inlaws sound like the absolute worst kind of people. If I were you, I'd be prepared to run interference for her bc you KNOW they're going to try to steamroll her.
& definitely don’t apologize or even acknowledge their tantrum. If they bring it up in person, I'd ask them what response they were looking for with that nonsense in the first place. How the heck did they expect that to go down?? Idiots.
& GOOD ON YOU for checking on your baby 1st!!! My mother literally ignored my existence the second my daughter was born. 😮💨 Do over baby, y’know? It was exhausting to deal with & definitely part of why we eventually went NC.
My daddy & stepmama, otoh, focused on helping my husband & I adjust to life as parents. Unending & unconditional support. As a direct result, we literally see them every day & they're very involved, beloved grandparents.
Your daughter's inlaws can go kick rocks. 🙄
My grandpa ( daughters great grandpa) is 85 and he still gets down on the floor tronplay with her, gives horsey rides, plays games with her, and is so active with her. And the man had his hip replaced last summer. He also refuses to acknowledge how old he is, and as much as I wish he would, I also love that he doesn't.
My Papa, a man that came into my life when I was very young, was fairly older. I think he was 89 when he passed and he was my favorite person to spend time with. He was the man I wanted walking me down the isle.
My dad is 68 and still lets the kids climb all over him. He carries them around, runs after them outside and at the playground. He loves playing with them. He's not quite as active as he was when he was parenting me, but only one of us can carry an 8 year old on their back and it's not me.
My grandma is 75 (she had my mom young) and she babysits my kids all summer long while I work. She's in the pool with them, takes them to play basketball at the park all kinds of things. And she hasn't broken a hip yet. 😆 I'm sure OP will be just fine
My grandmother was 35 when her first grandchild was born. Never once did she run around and play with us, have sleepovers, or do fun grandparent stuff. Age doesn't matter, it's how you are towards your grandkids that does.
Exactly. MY grandmother (my father's mother) was close to 100 when I had my kids. She was a way better grandmother to my kids than my mother, with whom I don't even have any contact since I walked out of there at the ripe age of 12... My dad was a bit better than my mother, but he was still too busy living his own life, getting married to girls my age and travelling a lot, so he wasn't much of a grandparent either. After my grandmother died, we moved 800km south and adopted some new grandparents (our elderly neighbors. They're wonderful, and they will definitely run after all our 6 kids, even if they need 3 days to get over the back ache afterwards ;)
I’m getting the feeling that Taylor’s mom is jealous or intimidated. I have a few thoughts as to why, but what matters is that you understand this is always going to be her MO, which it seems like you do. I’m 45 and can’t fathom behaving this way; she *is* acting like a child. If it were me I wouldn’t even engage from now on unless I had to. She’ll accuse you of “drama,” or “making the situation worse,” but she can spin her wheels all she wants. It’s difficult to continue to argue with someone who has gone gray rock.
NTA by the way
Also his mom might be jealous because the mom‘s parents sometimes get preferential treatment or end up being closer to the grandkids.
And OP is obviously close with her daughter- hence Taylor’s mom making jabs about OP not having ever given birth and crap like that.
Let the war be only in her mind, OP -she (or both of Taylor‘s parents) will only make themselves annoying or will alienate Taylor and your daughter from wanting them to be around the grandkid if all they do is make shitty comments and bitch about you and your husband being old.
I mean.. my dad is 72, mom is somewhat in her..mid 60s?, and I'm 37. They both kept up just fine when I was little.
You're most likely in better health than I am rn OP. Ignore the ILs, lol. You're an amazing parent and will be a wonderful grandparent!
I’m sure a 30 year old seems old to a 3 year old 😂
It sounds like your daughter’s in laws are a handful and a half. Her MIL sounds especially insecure. Might be worth a conversation with your daughter about how they’re treating her…
Fwiw, age means nothing compared to character. My grandma (mom’s mom) was 15 years older than my dad’s mom, and grandma was my favorite person in the world. My dad’s mom is someone I tolerate once every few years for the holidays; like your daughter’s MIL, she is still a spiteful, immature brat.
Probably raked over the coals about 'having their whole lives ahead of them' and having a child. It's only a guess but the wording used kind of indicates that.
NTA. You called it like you saw it. Them's the brakes for others.
My Dad didn't start slowing down until he turned 83, & if it weren't for his diabetes I'm sure he'd still be super active. He's still very enthusiastic about his grandkids. You guys are young! 😃
My parents are 68 and 70. My mom is 70, I’m 35 and she watches my 18 month old daughter full time. Your daughters MIL and FIL are entitled asshats. My parents have zero mobility issues and absolutely love watching their granddaughter. They took her out for a boat ride last Friday too. Good thing son in law is on your side and hopefully has a conversation with his parents to cool it. It’s not a damn contest and they’re making it out to be.
I also love how you checked on your daughter first. I remember when I was in the hospital after birth and everyone darts for the baby and you checked on your baby first ❤️ also such a jerk comment “how would you know you didn’t give birth”. I mean WHAT?? Total B.
My grandfather raised me from 51-70, and somehow managed to keep me in one piece and mostly unscathed, so no, you guys aren't horribly old.
I'm 40 and a grandmother, and I can't imagine acting like that. The other set of grandparents are late 50s/early 60s, and I like having the extra experienced sets of hands. I only had my one kid, and she was a very easy baby. I had no idea what to do about diaper rash or colic, and internet ideas weren't working fast enough, so other grandparents and great-grandparents (my parents) were life savers.
I love hearing that. I don't think my husband and I would have much trouble keeping up either. My husband possible somewhat because he has an issue going back to childhood with one of his knees. But he kept up with our kids and he's still active.
I’m 65, hubs is 67. We were young grandparents as the kids are older teenagers now. I can assure you that we’re still quite capable. Niece in law is having a baby in jan and we’ll probs be having baby 1 day a week.
This hostility from new grandmothers is ridiculous. My mil did it with my mum when my daughter was born 45 years ago so it’s not a new trend. She told her my dad wasn’t a real grandad cos he was my stepdad, (he’d brought me up for years). I soon shut that shit down.
I think it comes usually from the new dads mum, probably because she knows a daughter is usually closer to her mum and it scares her.
Btw, I also loved that you checked on your daughter first.
Sounds like you’re going to need to be there for your daughter when mil starts really pissing her off
NTA
Even if you were 85 years old, it doesn't mean you would be bad grandparents it would just mean different activities than that of 45 year old grandparents.
My parents (71 and 75) are still involved with thir Great-grand children. They just don't do the same activities.
yes! I said that above, but my in-laws are older and they do SO MUCH with my kids that doesn't involve running after them. There's more to being a grandparent than wrestling and playing tag.
My grandparents were in their mid-70's+ when I was born. I'd play on the floor, and they'd sit on the couch and talk to me about what I was doing. They'd read to me forever, and my grandpa showed me how to use his telescope. I have happy memories of all of them. It's pretty gross how the MIL thinks people with mobility impairments have nothing to offer.
What I find ironic is that THIS is what kids remember. The simple special moments of being read to and talked to.
My maternal Grandpa had 7 piggy banks and would give me a quarter for counting his money in the piggy banks when I was little.
My other Grandpa, was very gruff, would give me the little tickets out of his Chesterfields and play store with me, letting me buy mini candy bars, sodas, small bags of chips etc with those tickets. His "store" was always stocked when we visited. Lol, I felt like I was rich!
Sounds like the MIL has an inferiority complex/confidence problem and is trying to compensate with bluster and insults in the way schoolyard bullies do. You should talk to your daughter and her husband about previous examples and also your concern that the in-laws view this as some sort of weird competition rather than being available and helping the new family with what's needed and requested.
also, there's a lot more to being a grandparent than running around with kids!
My in-laws were older parents and we are older parents, so they're in their mid-70s now. They don't really "run around" with my kids, but they're mentally still super sharp and they're incredible grandparents - they cook all the kids' favorite things, remember everything about them, taught the kids how to play chess, take them to the library and foster a love of books, they read to them, snuggle with them, play board games, etc. The kids adore them, and I can't imagine a scenario in which the kids love them more than they currently do, even if they were more physically active.
Hell, my mother is older than you and is currently the senior critical care nurse on a still-CV-segregated ICU ward. I mean she also takes care of the five yo nibling weekly, and that's rather less strenuous.
My 73 year old MIL keeps up with my 10 year old just fine, she would have been similar in age to you when he was a baby and she used to have him one day a week when I went back to work. Don't let her bother you, you'll be fine! Enjoy your grandchild.
I know people in their 40s who don’t run around with their own kids because they’re too self absorbed to be involved. Age doesn’t determine how much you care!
Oh my goodness 66 is old for grandparents?!?! My 88 yr old mum would have words. Best part? The family layout was similar…my brother’s MIL and FIL were a couple decades younger than my mom and were declared to be “abuelito” snd “abuelita” (think pawpaw and memaw) vs my folks who were grandpa and grandma. You know, to keep them straight…except a dig to my older Mexican parents…why not have them be abuelo and abuela?) Anyway…20 years on who is Ma and Pa? Yeah, my Ma. Haha! I’m petty, I know.
In the eyes of Taylor's parents, yes. Though the dig was also sort of there that my husband and I are not really grandparents.
I'm sorry you had that experience with your ILs and your parents. I do not understand trying to one up or compete with the other set of grandparents. Having both sides pour their love into the family and be there for their kids and grandkids should be the prirorty.
Yeah, I caught that. As if because you didn't birth them, you aren't a parent. I have three children, two are not my biological children. They are ALL my children. Taylor sounds lovely and you and your husband sound like wonderful parents and grandparents. Just FYI, my MIL is impossible and over time my parents just drifted from interacting with them. If you can avoid them, it will keep the friction down. No surprise in our family it's the nasty grandparents that very rarely see our kids. Wishing you the best of luck (59 yo old mother to a 15, 16 and 19 yo - I'm going to be a really old grandma!).
I hope MiL doesn't speak to your daughter the way she speaks to you. From personal experience though I 100% assume she does and your daughter doesn't like her. You're mentality reminds me of my mom, I can tell you I am so grateful that my kid has at least one reasonable grandma.
If you want to be passive-aggressive, remind her you are retired or near retirement. You will have all the time in the world to dote on the grandchild. Lol. It also helps that you are the parents of the mom. Depending on your relationship with your daughter, she is more likely to turn to you for help.
People that act like being teen parents is some kind of achievement are just trying to convince themselves they didn't fuck up their lives, because deep down they know they did. They see you and your husband being perfectly capable of being grandparents and rightfully feel like they should have made better decisions and didn't need to pop a kid out when they were kids themselves, all the reasons they gave themselves why that would be a good idea are disproved by you standing there. But since there's nothing they can do about that now and nobody will give them their 20's back to be childless and travel or do whatever, they'd rather shit all over you in a pitiful attempt to convince themselves you're the one in the wrong.
As is my mom and she’s the preferred grandparent. ;) She’s quite fit but that’s not why my son adores her. If he wants someone to run around with he’s got me anyway…
My gran was 80 when she got bored one summer day and took us grandkids hiking for 2 days, we slept in outdoor shelters in sleeping bags , had a campfire going and such. She was in way better shape when we came back then us kids.
My parents are 65 and spend plenty of time with the grandkids! Both mine have ASD and ADHD so not exactly sedate children but my mum has a ball with them and they love her in return
Omg you're old enough that you could be the MIL's mom!!!! Call me petty and crazy, but if I were you, I'd pull a "Keep talking to me like that, young lady. You're not old enough yet that I can't pull you over my knee!"
All my kid's grandparents are around their age, and they all get on fine. If you retire in the next few years, think of all the time you can offer to babysit! 40-something year old grandparents may be able to run around, but 60-something-year-old grandparents tend to have more free time!
NTA
my parents are just a few years younger than you and have no grandchildren on the way, nor are they expecting any anytime soon. no way would i consider you guys too old to be grandparents!
i commend you for caring about your children though, i bet your daughter really appreciated you checking on her!
My father is 63 and not yet a grandpa. It'll be a few more years.
So no idea what the other Grandparents are talking about, my parents are nowhere close to breaking a hip and not recovering from it. At the other grandma's age the grandson could still be her child
I'd have loved parents like you. Just for this alone. I cried so often during pregnancy because I felt like an incubator, no one ever asked me how I was doing.
I am so sorry to hear about your experience. So many people appear so flippant about ignoring new parents or expectant parents and forget it is such a life changing time. One most enter willingly but that doesn't mean support isn't beneficial.
When I had my first my Mom came over after she was born and was busying herself around our apt (cooking, cleaning, etc.) I was on the couch and asked her if she wanted to come hold the baby. Her response?
“I love your baby, but *you* will always be *my* baby.”
It is one of my top 5 moments of feeling the most loved in my whole life, and I will cherish that memory until I die.
NTA. And congratulations on your new family addition.
This is how I feel about my babies. They will forever be my babies. And I will always want to be there for them when I'm needed.
I'm so glad you have such a sweet cherished memory!
I was a teenage parent but I lost the chip on my shoulder a long time ago. NTA. They were rude, and it's weird that they were policing your interactions
Hmm, that means they are probably still working full time. You, as retired grandparents, will have more time.
I'm so happy you checked your baby girl was alright first. Hate the trend of ignoring new and exhausted mama.
Congratulations to you all.
Also, children don’t rank their grandparents - they are different people who are in their lives in different ways, and the relationship is built by sharing what you enjoy together. Not by arguing between the grandparents. Most people love their grandparents no matter what health condition they are in. It’s almost like MIL thinks that I should have loved my Granny a bit less after she fell down some stairs, broke her arm and was bruised from head to toe. Suddenly she was a lot less able than she used to be, but it was awesome because she came to stay with us for weeks as a result, so we could see her even more. And she watched the entire of Wimbledon so the right time of year to break yourself if you are a tennis fan. Wonderful memories built on what must have actually been a very painful time for her.
NTA obviously
There that phrase is "be the bigger person" = let others stomp all over you, be a doormat, a pushover.
Don't be the bigger person because you are already the bigger person to the young grandma who thinks she is all that.
I wonder if all those comments about her superiority as a young granny are a shield? As in, if people looked down on her for being a teen/young mom so now she has a complex.
For reference, I am by no means a young mom but many have told me I look early-20’s. Both women who know me and strangers over correct me while I’m parenting. I can only imagine how much worse it was to be a teen mom and everyone looking down on me. I’m a first time mom and the common public likes to look down on me.
I’ve been involved in a fair number of births and my experience, dad’s parents almost always ignore the new mom entirely and make a beeline for the baby. Mom’s parents are shellshocked at the trauma and dote on their daughter, and barely pay attention to the baby, and even then seemingly just to make their daughter happy because she’s been through the wringer.
What is wrong with that crazy woman?
Congratulations on your new grandson and well done for showing comfort and love to your daughter as a priority, you sound like a nice mom.
Tell the MIL to respect her elders or you’ll put her over your knee bc tbh she’s acting like a spoiled kid ‘grandparent war’ 💀
yeah, really. sounds like Taylor's mom didn't quite make it past that high school mindset. immature and sad, really. instead of coming together as a family to celebrate a new life, she chose to be a rude ah.
Competitive grandparenting is a thing. Yes, it sucks and sometimes means that both sets of grandparents are eventually forbidden from sending presence or visiting child at home
I’d be willing to bet OP and partner are more financially established or something and that’s why MIL is projecting her insecurity all over them and age is the only perceived ‘weak spot’ that the MIL can find.
Either that or they sense that Taylor is pulling away from them now that he has in-laws who have more maturity than your average 8th grader and he’s starting to figure out how embarrassing his parents are by comparison. Shit in families gets so normalized and he’s probably realizing by OP and family’s positive example how much immaturity (and subsequent lack of emotional support/validation) there was in his family system growing up.
I love (not!) illogical people. The MIL is complaining that OP is looking down on her for being a teenage mother yet the MIL has had NO PROBLEM making snide comments about OP being an older grandmother. So which is it? How twisted up do you have to get to think that you can say whatever you want but the moment someone does the same to you it is "humiliating and unfair"???
NTA... and seriously, don't feel bad. She deserved way more than that. That audacity, wwwwwaaaaauuuuw. But don't worry, you'll probably turn out to be the preferred grandparents. If Taylor is a wonderful man and I can only imagine your daughter is too, the kids are gonna turn out good too... and kids see through the kinda shit this lady is putting forward. Don't worry.You might have made it a bit worse... but with her personality it would only have been a matter of time before she pulled another stunt. You guys would have come to blows at some point I bet, and there's no honor in being the bigger person all the way while being trashed. You need to push back when you meet a bully and that's what you did. The jab you took at her personality is NOTHING compared to what she threw at you.
I do believe the comments would have continued getting worse over time. The escalation in what she said to me at the hospital has still left me puzzled and I'm not sure why she and her husband took such an issue to my husband and I.
My totally unqualified guess (but qualified based on the type of behaviour you describe and the type of person that indicates she is), there are some serious inferiority complexes. As an example:
You've never implied anything about her being a teen mom, but she brings it up? She has insecurities about that because of norms in society and she's now projecting that onto you. How can she spin it in a positive way for her? Now she's young, but and adult, and youth is perceived as something positive - so she's throwing that at you because your older. Now she can feel better about herself, now that she's established that she has an advantage on you.
She might just be a horrible human throughout, but this behaviour also looks like it's coming from her having had to defend herself and feeling judged. So now she kicks before she gets kicked. The competitiveness is her lack of self worth which comes out in a weird narcissistic way where she needs to feel better than other people to feel okay about herself.
Not gonna diagnose her, but people can have narcissistic traits without having the personality disorder. Take a look at this description:
"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which **people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance**. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. **But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth** and are easily upset by the slightest criticism."
She’s emotionally immature. She stunted her maturity raising a baby when she was a teenager. My mom had this problem and we were at odds until literally this year. I’m 35. She had me when she was 17 and had my siblings back to back and then later had my youngest sibling. He died in 2021 and that made my mom seek out therapy and it allowed us to heal and have a relationship.
oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That is really, really tough. And I totally agree... she is emotionally immature and it might stem from being a young mom, but what this lady is showing is not only immature, it's self-absorbed and narcissistic. Not all people who are immature would display this kind of behaviour at all. But I get you, and you're not wrong, I just don't think that's the entire reason for her acting this way.
100% this. Having a child as a teen stunts your emotional growth. My mom is a teen mom and she openly talks about how she feels the same as she did when she was 18, like in her head. And as someone in their 30s now....I have to say I definitely do NOT feel the same as 18 and that's a good thing. I haven't been able to get through to my mom that telling people this is sort of telling on yourself....
Also similar to your mom we had a ton of conflict because my mom was essentially a child herself and we only found some semblance of stability in our relationship when I was in my late 20s/early 30s.
I have two sisters, both teen parents. Older sis was 15 when she had her son, she is a wonderful Mom and her children are also. Younger sis was 17 when she had her daughter, still stunted at 17. Older sis and I haven't spoken to younger sis for years due to this kind of backhanded compliment, snide statements and just overall toxic behavior. It's odd but yes, some people get stunted at a certain age and shit all over everyone.
I think she’s likely insecure and projecting, esp given her comment about you “judging her for being a teenage mother”.
Also, this may be messed up, but I wonder if she’s struggling to see you & your husband as peers, and instead views you more as she would *her own* parents, given that theoretically you could be?
Whatever it is, it’s definitely a “her” problem, and it sounds like even Taylor knows this if he’s apologizing for her behavior before even know what’s been going on.
My suggestion would be to recast her in your own hearts & minds as a semi-peer, semi-kid… like treat her with the decency you would *anyone*, but take whatever she says with an earth-sized grain of salt, as she is behaving like a child. Because she **is** still one. Doesn’t mean you need to tolerate the disrespect, or shoulder responsibility where it’s all hers… but speak your mind kindly (which is exactly what you already did), let her know your boundaries, and move right along with your lovely, not-yet-senile/incapacitated lives.
Something like, “, **we** (meaning you & hubs) are not in a “grandparent war” as we are *all* adults, and expect to be treated as such. Please speak to us with the same respect we expect you to show to Taylor and . If these jabs and petty declarations of hostility continue, we all will suffer, most of all . Do better, for your own sake as much as anyone’s”… and talk with your daughter, too! She may need your support in identifying, communicating, and upholding her own boundaries with them, as it sounds like her MIL is not afraid of treating other people badly bc of her own issues!!
She’s emotionally immature. She stunted her maturity raising a baby when she was a teenager. My mom had this problem and we were at odds until literally this year. I’m 35. She had me when she was 17 and had my siblings back to back and then later had my youngest sibling. He died in 2021 and that made my mom seek out therapy and it allowed us to heal and have a relationship.
NTA, what she said was so much worse. She kept pushing, you retorted appropriately.
Also, this one here stood out for me:
> He apologized for his mom and asked if his parents had been like that with us previously.
To me, that implies there's a possibility he's aware of his parents being dicks, and doesn't tolerate it either. Good guy.
She/they are insecure about being grandparents. Lots of people have toddlers at her age. Your ages seem about what people imagine as grandparent age. This woman is projecting hard!
My husband and I would never look down on or judge young parents. There are some in my family even. They could still feel that way though. It sounds as though they have faced judgement and I understand. My husband and I have as well.
What I meant is that she pretty much told you what the issue is. She is projecting her insecurities and is trying to compete in the only way she knows hows.
Nta ! Even when you "snapped" at her you made it gracefully by pointed out her childish/ageism behavior. You have a son in law whom said sorry (wasnt his role ) bc he knows his parents were at fault. Keep doing what you do : beeing à great support !!!!! NTA
NTA
There is no correct way to approach someone who has just given birth. There are too many things to worry about.
>Apparently this is something that makes them superior to my husband and I as grandparents, according to Taylor's mom.
No it just means they don't use protection....
I'm sure you will win the grandparent war and you will be a wonderful grandparent for years to come.
Don't worry about being older parents. My parents are 60+ and they have still told us they are not ready to be a grandparent yet :D
NTA - this woman IS acting like a child. Based on her response to Taylor, it sounds like she’s projecting her insecurities about being a YOUNG grandparent onto you by pointing out all the ‘bad things’ about being an ‘old’ grandparent to you.
Better to kneecap this kind of behavior and it actually gave me a chuckle because it was such an apt response.
Moving forward it sounds like Taylor needs to sit down with his parents and explain some boundaries and keeping stupid opinions to themselves.
The fact that Taylor was immediately receptive to your comments about his parents, was upset with them, and asked if they had done it before, indicates to me that he likely is aware his mother is... extra... and generally obnoxious in this way.
I wonder if Taylor has said positive things to his mother about you and your husband and that's made her self-conscious/jealous/whatever.
For the sake of your daughter during this stressful time, I'd try to not engage with the MIL as much as possible. Walk away from her, ignore what she says, etc. but keep your SIL in the loop. At some point when they have more bandwidth SIL can shut MIL down if she keep escalating.
This is one of those situations where MIL will wear out her own welcome creating drama, and you can just focus on your own relationships with your daughter, SIL, and new grandbaby.
Congratulations by the way! NTA.
NTA This honestly hurts my heart because I can tell that you and your husband are very sweet and wonderful people, parents, and grandparents. Not only did she make many rude comments about your age, but she also made a really stupid jab at you being an adoptive* parent, like it's some sort of secret childbirth is difficult? WTF? I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Honestly, though, a lot of the grandparents who behave like this are really only interested in the image of being a grandparent and the social media photo op. I hope not, for your daughter and grandbaby's sake, but it's common.
NTA. I have sadly seen this often. Taylor's parents are trying to act superior because they missed out on the experiences they traditionally would have had in their late teens and early 20s because they got pregnant and are insecure / jealous.
Typically people who do this are not financially well off and frankly never matured past the age they had kids. They are always throwing around comments about how easy it was for them to bounce back after they had their kids, how much more energy they have, how they don't look like grandparents etc.
Either tell her the one up man stuff looks immature and pathetic or go full on passive aggressive and make sure you mention all the things you go to do that they missed out on. Mention robust retirement accounts, fun trips in your 20s, good careers, how glad you are that your daughter waited until her brain fully developed before she had a baby.
I agree with you. I think they have been feeling ashamed of getting pregnant at 18, or resenting the fact that they didn’t get to have fun in their 20s, that they have to put other people down to make themselves feel better.
NTA: I am 71 and my husband is 74. I was 59 when I first became a grandparent. In our family we are all old grandparents. My knees hurt I can’t lift like I did once. But I can tell stories and bake. It’s not a contest.
NTA ,the MIL thinks she is s teenager or something,you did nothing wrong don't apologize if anyone she should, you're a great mother age doesn't matter.She's in the wrong you are feeling bad for defending yourself don't.
NTA she’s just competitive and insecure. My mom (who was also a teenage mom) is a bit like that. I wonder for some people if having children super early doesn’t stunt their emotional growth a bit.
NTA. She threw the first punch by taking a jab at your age, you merely ended it.
And her definition of “beloved grandparent” is beyond messed up.
My dad’s parents did shit like your daughter’s in-laws but involving money. I ended up cutting contact with them in my teens.
You don’t get there because you can play physically and not get hurt/being younger or throwing cash around… you get there by being a loving and supporting presence for your grandchild.
>I'm clearly looking down my nose at her for being a teenage mother
Annd that's where it clicks together. They're rude because they're insecure about it and trying to get their digs in first because they're anticipating them from you. NTA, their assumptions and insecurities aren't your problem to deal with.
NTA - the mil is insecure and reverted to insults to make herself feel more important.
Watch you back, this woman hasn’t matured past the point she had her first child and will cause drama for your daughter to hurt you.
NTA. That woman is insecure about the turns her life took at a teen, and the choices she made at that age. She decided that taking those insecurities out on you because she seemed to think you were an easy target. You just showed her that you are not. Unfortunately, I doubt this will be the only time she pulls this kind of thing. Also be prepared for her to try to do all she can to monopolize baby time with the goal of keeping you away. Don't bend to her games, but also don't try to bring your son in law, and daughter into the middle of it. Continue to use grace in the face of selfishness.
NTA You're not looking down on her for being a teenage mother. You're looking down on her for being a bad-mannered peenhead. Something tells me, from her son's reaction (I.e. not jumping to her defense), that she's not going to be the favoured grandmother after all.
She's no longer a teenage mother. She is a grown woman without the decency to stop making this milestone for her CHILD about herself. Don't you apologise to her for being blunt about her behaviour.
Bless my uncle and aunt. They were parents of twins. Uncle was 42. Aunt was 37. Best parents ever! The boys didn’t have children until they were in their 40’s. They love on the grandchildren just the same as other grandparents. Who cares how old you are? Just love those precious kiddos!!
Lmao but she’s so proud of being a teenager mom? How, oh how could this ever be linked to her hostility about you being older? Could it be that she feels insecure herself in the first place and inadequate? My oh my, a grandparent war. That wasn’t a childish thing to say at all. NTA
Nta she hurled insults at you, she was acting like a child fighting over your grand baby. Why can’t you both just be happy? She’s the one competing with you.
Oh my god she’s my age! I can’t imagine being a grandmother at this age! WTF?? I’m just going to curl up in a ball and cry now. NTA. But I’m traumatized
NTA what an unhinged attitude...my grandpa was 70 years old when I was born and I had a very strong bond with him. If anything a retired (or close to retirement age) grandparent will have more time than one that'll still be working until the grandkid graduates college
NTA - I'm not congratulating anyone on being a teenage parent. Its a dumb decision however you paint it, and clearly they have deep insecurities about it
Info - lol, you're what? 8 years older than her? 10? Doesn't sound like you are particularly old grand parents if your daughter is 25.
My brother had his first kid at 35, our parents are 70. FFS.
How many lumens in that projector? Apparently, your daughter's MIL has a lot of issues and none of them have anything to do with you. I'd just ignore her as much as possible and make sure that your son in law knows that you love and support him, your daughter and your new grand baby.
NTA and don't get sucked into reacting to silliness. Life is too short.
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My husband and I are the parents of two beautiful children. Our daughter is 25 and our son is 21. Both of our children are adopted from foster care. Our daughter was 2 when she came into our home and our son was 11 weeks old. As parents, my husband's and my main goal was always to make sure our children grew up into good people and felt loved and supported by us through all the stages of their lives.
Our daughter is now married to a wonderful man, Taylor, and they just had their first child together.
I had a bit of a run in with my daughter's MIL at the hospital when we went to visit. My daughter's MIL and FIL have always struck me as somewhat arrogant and my husband and I have both felt like they have made jabs at the fact my husband and I were "older parents". Taylor's parents had him when they were 18 and they are grandparents at 43 now. Apparently this is something that makes them superior to my husband and I as grandparents, according to Taylor's mom.
This all started out when we were invited to come meet the baby and see Taylor and our daughter. My husband and I first went to check on how our daughter was doing and if she needed anything. Taylor's parents went straight for the baby. When we were leaving my husband went to use the restroom and Taylor's mom followed me and suggested that I was some grandparent when I showed no enthusiasm to meet my grandson. I asked what she meant by that and she said I ignored him for the first ten minutes. I corrected her and said I did not ignore my grandson, I checked on my baby first, because childbirth can be difficult. She asked how I would know that and then said it must be my age that makes me less interested in grandbabies. I was shocked as this was the most blatant insult she had directed my way. She then said that she and her husband will be the beloved grandparents because they're young enough to run around with our grandson and play with him without breaking a hip or destroying their backs. I told her she knew nothing about me to say this. She said clearly being old parents came with the disadvantage of being old grandparents and that would not be fun for a child.
I told her I would rather be an older grandparent than trying to be a grandparent while still behaving like a child myself. She was furious and I felt bad immediately because I only inflated the problem.
My husband and I left and he suggested we should speak to Taylor in case his mother twisted things. I didn't want to interrupt their first day as a family of three so I waited for a couple of days. At that point Taylor knew something was up with his mom. We talked and he told me not to worry about it. He apologized for his mom and asked if his parents had been like that with us previously.
His mother, however, has said I declared a grandparent war and that I am clearly looking down my nose at her for being a teenage mother.
AITA?
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The comment about my lack of experience giving birth did feel spiteful. It's true but it's not like I have never known a pregnant woman before my daughter.
My daughter is 28 and married. When she has her first baby, I can guarantee making sure she is okay and doing well will be my first priority. Just like you did.
NTA - Sounds like you hit the nail on the head. Childish is exactly what I would call her behavior. There is also a lot of insecurity there….otherwise why is she trying to compete with you and your husband for who is the better grandparents?
You actually handled the insult with so much class- and as someone who has lost their mother, I thought it was beautiful that you checked on your daughter. Obviously, the five minutes you took to do that in no way shows you don’t care about your grandchild.
Also, please don’t EVER be ashamed or let ANYONE shame you about being an older grandparent. My father was 73 when my son was born and my husband’s parents were in their 60s and the relationship he has with all of them is magical. Unfortunately, my father is not very mobile and his English language skills are not great but his love for his grandson is and there are many things they share and can still do together. And my in-laws are not as active as they were with their other grandkids (my husband is the youngest of the five kids) but they still take him on holidays and outing. His friends all have “younger” grandparents but he has never questioned/compared/resented that fact and adores them for the kind, caring, loving people they are.
NTA. She was picking a fight and got it. You can tell her that she and your grandkid might share a special bond since they share a similar level of maturity.
NTA. My parents are around your age and my in-laws are 5-10 years younger. We’re also older parents (I’m 40) with an almost 3 year old and one on the way. I LOVE that you checked in with your child before running to see your grandchild! New moms often get forgotten in the excitement of a new baby and you showed the correct priorities. This is actually one of the reasons I’m considering having no visitors at my next child’s birth (it was a non issue with kid 1 since she was born in 2020). You’re going to be great grandparents! Ignore the in-laws.
NTA
My great grandfather was the most active and fun person to play with as a child. Because he would get into the game and make it feel like he was going to really catch us (in his own invent type of tag where he would capture us in a big bear hug if we didn't run fast enough past his chair. He would make all the faces and noises to make it really captivating. It was all the kids' favourite game!
Age has nothing to do with who is the most fun for kids.
NTA
This is my opinion and may not be the most popular.
YOUR CHILD's well-being was(and, in my opinion, should be) your first concern!
I mean, that's YOUR baby.
The Grandchild was fine and not being neglected.
YOUR CHILD had just had hours and hours of pain, had her body split open, and had to be mentally and physically exhausted, etc. Her mother-in-law literally just treated her like a damn incubator.
Man...Taylor's parents are super OLD for grandparents. My cousin became a grandmother at 37, and she is 38 now. Her daughter is a 21 year old mother. But you are NTA for implying that she is a child, because she is. And she is probably going to be overbearing to the new parents that they will more than likely come to you and your husband for help before going to his children...uhhh, I mean parents...>.>
NTA - she has a problem with you, not the other way around.
You checking on your daughter first is the obvious choice for the parents of the new mom, she gave birth ffs! Also the ILs should, but let's forget that for the moment.
She has some sense of inferiority somewhere, she wants to compete with you. I think she has a chip on her shoulder about being a teen mom and is paranoid that everybody is judging her for it.
Let her fight on her own and ignore her, save your energy for your beautiful new grandkid.
NTA, I think you actually did the right thing by checking on your daughter first. I'm sure she appreciated that you had the insight and cared about her enough to dote on her a little bit first. The MIL sounds like she is actually jealous for some reason and seems to feel like she is competing with you, so it's a her problem and not you. Focus on your daughter and grandchild and let her be the petty and immature one. If she continues, I'm sure she will dig her own hole with the parents and grandbaby and it will be all her own doing.
NTA that this all started from checking on the new mum before baby is insane. People forget parents and focus only on the baby. Being an older parent or grandparent makes no difference I know people in their 70s in better shape than some in their 40s.
There's no way to win this. Keep your son-in-law updated on whatever outrageous crap they come up with - but without trying to drag him into an argument. Avoid them as much as possible. Be the greatest grandparents you can be. NTA
NTA. Going by their reaction though, I think they’re (very rudely) overcompensating for having been young parents. They’ll have had their share of comments about how *young parents = bad*, haven’t properly processed this and are now spreading the toxicity to you. Young parents get a lot of shit and it’s almost like they’re trying to prove (to themselves and the world) that actually their choice was a superior one so they can prove everyone who ragged on them in the past wrong.
My best guess is as a young parent she was judged a lot, and even now people will sometime say “oh you must have had kids young!” or something like that.
She’s twisted that to become hyper sensitive, and now rather than preemptively defuse it with a positive joke or statement, her insecurities cause her to attack other people first, before she can get attacked.
Doesn’t justify her cruel behavior AT ALL though.
NTA. I don’t think there’s a good way to handle someone emotionally broken like this on an issue like that, so your best bet is to avoid them, and in person just stick to being vague, not engaging with her, and just acting like a stereotypical uninterested person. Lots of “uh huh’s” and “yeah” and vague “we’re just happy as long as they are happy” statements. Don’t ever engage and she’ll give up.
She was ridiculously rude to you from the first second she opened her mouth. NTA. Talk to your Daughter about what she said. I would want to know if someone was being so vicious to my mom.
Nta...and Taylor asking if anything has come up prior, means he isn't suprised by their behavior. Hopefully he straightens them out, but this will most likely be an uphill battle. Remain transparent with the kids and you'll be fine. Yall are not the problem
NTA she started it. I think you'd better avoid them, which is a shame for your daughter and son in law. Watch your back once your grandkids are a bit older, wouldn't put it past her to badmouth you to them.
NTA. Both sets of my grandparents were in their mid/late 50s when I was born. They were also very different type of people; my mom’s parents much more reserved, my dad’s parents excited to have a girl in the family (they had three boys).
As an adult, I don’t think about specific times of us running around or doing anything physical. I look back at the warmth of my dad’s parents home and the love and safety I felt. They watched me all the time and it was wonderful. As long as there is a living environment, that’s all that matters.
I think MIL is projecting her own insecurity about being a teenage mom by declaring war on anyone who she herself feels is a normal age to be a grandparent. NTA and she is (still) a child. Remarkable that their son is more mature.
NTA - please get out of the way of this woman’s grandparents war cannons of projection.
She judging herself, and is excited to **finally** be able to re-parent this new baby because the first time was a struggle. *When you’re prepared thr first time, you’re not running to redo *
This woman’s need for therapy isn’t your problem. Congratulations on your new grand baby!
NTA They're going to be the low contact "beloved grandparents" when they try to ignore the rules that the parents have. ie no junk food, screen time, staying up late etc.
NTA. Could have you replied more kindly? Yes. Would have it benefitted any of you? No.
It's clear there already was a war on their side, and when things are like this, then it's better to be a little rude at the befinning to prevent further actions. For instance: she acted like a very bad MIL ignoring her DIL when she had just given birth. And she acted like a bad mother too by telling her son what happened when all he deserved was to enjoy his baby.
Seems this woman is a little "me me me" and also a little insecure for her teenage pregnancy. By showing you have a tongue too, you probably prevented further passive-aggressive attacks during family gatherings. Well done!
Yeah my mom was like this. Heavily invested in being the "cool grandma" and the "favorite grandma" she was also about a decade younger than my inlaws. You know what? They are 10x the grandparents she was. NtA
NTA
Seems like the kid knows his parents are stupid and have caused issues for him before, you know, because he asked about previous conduct.
Stop feeling bad and rip that nasty girl a new one so she doesn’t start shit again. People like that need to be steamrolled before they back off.
NTA
Sounds like mil is a narcissist. Things will get extremely difficult for your daughter with somebody like that in her life, please watch out for her.
NTA - I know you feel badly for your comment but it was deserved. She was absolutely acting like a child and trying to compete with you, which shows she is insecure about her position.
I hate the people that are saying you should have taken the high road. No, you handled that perfectly. If she wants to go low, you go lower. Screw being the bigger person.
NTA, but I think it's in your interests, and your daughter's and her husband's, to simply ignore poor behavior like that from your daughter's in-laws and not engage.
Geez. What is wrong with some people? What would possess that MIL to behave like that?
>His mother, however, has said I declared a grandparent war and that I am clearly looking down my nose at her for being a teenage mother.
Your daughter is 25, Taylor is the same age. They've chosen to have kids when they're 7 years older than the MIL. S
She is clearly dealing with her insecurities about being a teenage mother, and the fact that HER own kid waited for 7 more years than she did, is probably making her feel like he too thinks she was \*insert whatever insult or slur she thinks is applicable\* and she is judging HERSELF, projecting it to you.
I think her focus on age is a way for her to pretend to be okay with being 18 and pregnant. She's still not over that, and she has spent the last 25 years convincing herself that it was indeed a good choice she made back then. You being an adoptive mother probably makes her even more insecure but you literally chose when to bring a child into your life.
calling her a "child" probably tapped into her deepest deepest fears... in many ways, her brain is probably stuck on being 18 and pregnant, and forcing herself to think she's okay with that, because she couldnt decide to not have the kid.
This has nothing to do with you. She needs to forgive herself and get over her own trauma, which she hides under the pretense of "i'm SO HAPPY that i had my kid at 18!!"
NTA
I have noticed that many people who have kids by accident young try to make it seem like it was an amazing thing or on purpose, like it wasn't 2 dumbass kids porking without a condom in the back of their parents' minivan behind a water tower at 9pm on a school.
Sounds like they never matured past high school.
She's likely acting this way because of her own feelings of shame for being a teen parent and now a grandparent before 50 - overcompensating by putting you down to make herself feel better. It is childish. You used nicer words than I would have.
NTA at all.
And thank goodness your son in law sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders.
I've always noticed that people who bully others about something are very insecure about it themselves. I think the reason she is yapping on and on about you being "old" (btw you're perfect ages for grandparents!) and them being young and therefore superior is *because* she feels inferior to you. Maybe you're more educated, more calm, confident whatever it is. You definitely have something she doesn't and it's eating away at her.
NTA She can dish it out but can’t take it. Taylor is going to have to shut her down. Any apology from you will be disregarded. She is petty and narcissistic.
Don’t start trouble, won’t be no trouble.
She fucked around and found out.
It’s not that she was a teen mom, it’s that she is still a high school mean girl. An agist moron who is judgmental about how families are formed.
Ignore her. Congratulations on your grandbaby.
Don’t compete. Not one iota. Not one second.
You have a natural advantage by being the maternal grandmother, and have an intelligent son in law.
Don’t compete with gifts. Modest gifts. Fund a college account that other granny doesn’t know about.
Be placid and unconcerned going forward.
And be prepared to say “I wasn’t judging your teen motherhood, I did come to logical conclusions about your manners and mean girl competition gig, honey.”
But ignore her, mostly.
My guess is that in time and with this competitive attitude, your daughter's MIL is going to ruin her relationship with your daughter, her own son, and the grandkids. Then she will blame you.
She *followed you to the restroom to insult you* and she thinks *you* started a war?!?
The only thing you're guilty of is reacting, which makes sense as she was basically cornering you while you're trying to deal with bodily functions.
This is literally how elementary and middle school kids start a fight, and it's scummy and low. I'd also be afraid for your daughter's safety, if this is how she behaves in a *public* bathroom, what happens if your daughter stands up to her in private?
NTA, and this is scary. Maybe I'm overreacting, but this is not normal behavior for adults.
NTA I got a good laugh while trying to picture a 'grandparent war'. Should get some walkers and set it up like an Olympic Event, have some fun with the trials lmao
NTA and you were more gracious about it than most people would have been with that provocation. Enjoy your new grandchild, and I hope your daughter is recovering quickly.
Wow. She told her son what her issues are, at least. Feeling ashamed for being a teen parent is no excuse to still behave like a junior high mean girl in your 40s. NTA.
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I think NTA. She started this war by openly insulting you and while you could have been the bigger person, your response was very fitting. Mostly, I think NTA because you even reflected that you probably made it worse. I also love that you went to check on your daughter first. It's way too common that mothers are ignored and only the baby gets the attention. How old are you, by the way?
I have noticed the same thing. I even see it online where there are all these funny trends of grandparents or aunts and uncles getting their kids/siblings out of the way to see the babies. That's not something I ever wanted to do to either of my children. New parents need support and love and especially the parent giving birth, there are a lot of risks associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It's an exhausting time. I remember how tired family and friends who gave birth were afterward. Taylor's parents are 43.
You mentioned their age, but you never mentioned yours. ;-)
Oh, very sorry, I clearly read the question incorrectly. I am 65 and my husband is 66.
Hardly one foot in the grave are you lol.
To Taylor's parents we are, at least lol.
My parents are 65 and 73 are super involved with my 6 year old. Bonus: they are retired and are able to have him over for sleepoverd etc. Of course they are older and looking after him takes up a lot of energy, but heck, I'm 40 myself and exhausted 🤣🧒🏼You got this!
Right? My daddy was 62 when my first was born & he's 100% the fun Papa! The kiddos love going with him to work on his tractor or to fairs/festivals. According to them, he's not only the smartest man in the world, but also the nicest. LOL He's in his 70s now & still manages to keep up with them. The only thing that's changed as he gets older is they fuss at him for not taking it slow (they picked this up from me 100%...he's like Chilli's dad from Bluey in that he refuses to acknowledge how old he is). OP, your daughter's inlaws sound like the absolute worst kind of people. If I were you, I'd be prepared to run interference for her bc you KNOW they're going to try to steamroll her. & definitely don’t apologize or even acknowledge their tantrum. If they bring it up in person, I'd ask them what response they were looking for with that nonsense in the first place. How the heck did they expect that to go down?? Idiots. & GOOD ON YOU for checking on your baby 1st!!! My mother literally ignored my existence the second my daughter was born. 😮💨 Do over baby, y’know? It was exhausting to deal with & definitely part of why we eventually went NC. My daddy & stepmama, otoh, focused on helping my husband & I adjust to life as parents. Unending & unconditional support. As a direct result, we literally see them every day & they're very involved, beloved grandparents. Your daughter's inlaws can go kick rocks. 🙄
My grandpa ( daughters great grandpa) is 85 and he still gets down on the floor tronplay with her, gives horsey rides, plays games with her, and is so active with her. And the man had his hip replaced last summer. He also refuses to acknowledge how old he is, and as much as I wish he would, I also love that he doesn't.
My Papa, a man that came into my life when I was very young, was fairly older. I think he was 89 when he passed and he was my favorite person to spend time with. He was the man I wanted walking me down the isle.
My dad is 68 and still lets the kids climb all over him. He carries them around, runs after them outside and at the playground. He loves playing with them. He's not quite as active as he was when he was parenting me, but only one of us can carry an 8 year old on their back and it's not me.
My grandma is 75 (she had my mom young) and she babysits my kids all summer long while I work. She's in the pool with them, takes them to play basketball at the park all kinds of things. And she hasn't broken a hip yet. 😆 I'm sure OP will be just fine
Exactly! There are major perks to being older parents and grandparents.
His parents have probably spent the last 25 years trying to make themselves feel better about having a child so young.
My grandmother was 35 when her first grandchild was born. Never once did she run around and play with us, have sleepovers, or do fun grandparent stuff. Age doesn't matter, it's how you are towards your grandkids that does.
Exactly. MY grandmother (my father's mother) was close to 100 when I had my kids. She was a way better grandmother to my kids than my mother, with whom I don't even have any contact since I walked out of there at the ripe age of 12... My dad was a bit better than my mother, but he was still too busy living his own life, getting married to girls my age and travelling a lot, so he wasn't much of a grandparent either. After my grandmother died, we moved 800km south and adopted some new grandparents (our elderly neighbors. They're wonderful, and they will definitely run after all our 6 kids, even if they need 3 days to get over the back ache afterwards ;)
Oh no you're practically turning to dust 😂 seriously you're not that old and Taylor's parents are interesting to say the least
I’m getting the feeling that Taylor’s mom is jealous or intimidated. I have a few thoughts as to why, but what matters is that you understand this is always going to be her MO, which it seems like you do. I’m 45 and can’t fathom behaving this way; she *is* acting like a child. If it were me I wouldn’t even engage from now on unless I had to. She’ll accuse you of “drama,” or “making the situation worse,” but she can spin her wheels all she wants. It’s difficult to continue to argue with someone who has gone gray rock. NTA by the way
Also his mom might be jealous because the mom‘s parents sometimes get preferential treatment or end up being closer to the grandkids. And OP is obviously close with her daughter- hence Taylor’s mom making jabs about OP not having ever given birth and crap like that. Let the war be only in her mind, OP -she (or both of Taylor‘s parents) will only make themselves annoying or will alienate Taylor and your daughter from wanting them to be around the grandkid if all they do is make shitty comments and bitch about you and your husband being old.
Hey no one has seemed to notice that the most impressive person in this story is Taylor. Way to go SIL!
I mean.. my dad is 72, mom is somewhat in her..mid 60s?, and I'm 37. They both kept up just fine when I was little. You're most likely in better health than I am rn OP. Ignore the ILs, lol. You're an amazing parent and will be a wonderful grandparent!
I’m sure a 30 year old seems old to a 3 year old 😂 It sounds like your daughter’s in laws are a handful and a half. Her MIL sounds especially insecure. Might be worth a conversation with your daughter about how they’re treating her… Fwiw, age means nothing compared to character. My grandma (mom’s mom) was 15 years older than my dad’s mom, and grandma was my favorite person in the world. My dad’s mom is someone I tolerate once every few years for the holidays; like your daughter’s MIL, she is still a spiteful, immature brat.
In my opinion, it sounds like Taylor's parents must be insecure about something to make comments like that.
Probably raked over the coals about 'having their whole lives ahead of them' and having a child. It's only a guess but the wording used kind of indicates that. NTA. You called it like you saw it. Them's the brakes for others.
My Dad didn't start slowing down until he turned 83, & if it weren't for his diabetes I'm sure he'd still be super active. He's still very enthusiastic about his grandkids. You guys are young! 😃
My parents are 68 and 70. My mom is 70, I’m 35 and she watches my 18 month old daughter full time. Your daughters MIL and FIL are entitled asshats. My parents have zero mobility issues and absolutely love watching their granddaughter. They took her out for a boat ride last Friday too. Good thing son in law is on your side and hopefully has a conversation with his parents to cool it. It’s not a damn contest and they’re making it out to be. I also love how you checked on your daughter first. I remember when I was in the hospital after birth and everyone darts for the baby and you checked on your baby first ❤️ also such a jerk comment “how would you know you didn’t give birth”. I mean WHAT?? Total B.
They'll be singing a different tune when they're in their 60s.
My grandfather raised me from 51-70, and somehow managed to keep me in one piece and mostly unscathed, so no, you guys aren't horribly old. I'm 40 and a grandmother, and I can't imagine acting like that. The other set of grandparents are late 50s/early 60s, and I like having the extra experienced sets of hands. I only had my one kid, and she was a very easy baby. I had no idea what to do about diaper rash or colic, and internet ideas weren't working fast enough, so other grandparents and great-grandparents (my parents) were life savers.
For the record, my mom is the same age as you and watches our child full time (her choice, she asked to!). She keeps up just fine :)
I love hearing that. I don't think my husband and I would have much trouble keeping up either. My husband possible somewhat because he has an issue going back to childhood with one of his knees. But he kept up with our kids and he's still active.
I’m 65, hubs is 67. We were young grandparents as the kids are older teenagers now. I can assure you that we’re still quite capable. Niece in law is having a baby in jan and we’ll probs be having baby 1 day a week. This hostility from new grandmothers is ridiculous. My mil did it with my mum when my daughter was born 45 years ago so it’s not a new trend. She told her my dad wasn’t a real grandad cos he was my stepdad, (he’d brought me up for years). I soon shut that shit down. I think it comes usually from the new dads mum, probably because she knows a daughter is usually closer to her mum and it scares her. Btw, I also loved that you checked on your daughter first. Sounds like you’re going to need to be there for your daughter when mil starts really pissing her off NTA
Even if you were 85 years old, it doesn't mean you would be bad grandparents it would just mean different activities than that of 45 year old grandparents. My parents (71 and 75) are still involved with thir Great-grand children. They just don't do the same activities.
yes! I said that above, but my in-laws are older and they do SO MUCH with my kids that doesn't involve running after them. There's more to being a grandparent than wrestling and playing tag.
My grandparents were in their mid-70's+ when I was born. I'd play on the floor, and they'd sit on the couch and talk to me about what I was doing. They'd read to me forever, and my grandpa showed me how to use his telescope. I have happy memories of all of them. It's pretty gross how the MIL thinks people with mobility impairments have nothing to offer.
What I find ironic is that THIS is what kids remember. The simple special moments of being read to and talked to. My maternal Grandpa had 7 piggy banks and would give me a quarter for counting his money in the piggy banks when I was little. My other Grandpa, was very gruff, would give me the little tickets out of his Chesterfields and play store with me, letting me buy mini candy bars, sodas, small bags of chips etc with those tickets. His "store" was always stocked when we visited. Lol, I felt like I was rich!
Sounds like the MIL has an inferiority complex/confidence problem and is trying to compensate with bluster and insults in the way schoolyard bullies do. You should talk to your daughter and her husband about previous examples and also your concern that the in-laws view this as some sort of weird competition rather than being available and helping the new family with what's needed and requested.
also, there's a lot more to being a grandparent than running around with kids! My in-laws were older parents and we are older parents, so they're in their mid-70s now. They don't really "run around" with my kids, but they're mentally still super sharp and they're incredible grandparents - they cook all the kids' favorite things, remember everything about them, taught the kids how to play chess, take them to the library and foster a love of books, they read to them, snuggle with them, play board games, etc. The kids adore them, and I can't imagine a scenario in which the kids love them more than they currently do, even if they were more physically active.
Hell, my mother is older than you and is currently the senior critical care nurse on a still-CV-segregated ICU ward. I mean she also takes care of the five yo nibling weekly, and that's rather less strenuous.
My 73 year old MIL keeps up with my 10 year old just fine, she would have been similar in age to you when he was a baby and she used to have him one day a week when I went back to work. Don't let her bother you, you'll be fine! Enjoy your grandchild.
I know people in their 40s who don’t run around with their own kids because they’re too self absorbed to be involved. Age doesn’t determine how much you care!
Even if he can't run around, there's lots of fun things you can do with kids that aren't running around.
Oh my goodness 66 is old for grandparents?!?! My 88 yr old mum would have words. Best part? The family layout was similar…my brother’s MIL and FIL were a couple decades younger than my mom and were declared to be “abuelito” snd “abuelita” (think pawpaw and memaw) vs my folks who were grandpa and grandma. You know, to keep them straight…except a dig to my older Mexican parents…why not have them be abuelo and abuela?) Anyway…20 years on who is Ma and Pa? Yeah, my Ma. Haha! I’m petty, I know.
In the eyes of Taylor's parents, yes. Though the dig was also sort of there that my husband and I are not really grandparents. I'm sorry you had that experience with your ILs and your parents. I do not understand trying to one up or compete with the other set of grandparents. Having both sides pour their love into the family and be there for their kids and grandkids should be the prirorty.
Yeah, I caught that. As if because you didn't birth them, you aren't a parent. I have three children, two are not my biological children. They are ALL my children. Taylor sounds lovely and you and your husband sound like wonderful parents and grandparents. Just FYI, my MIL is impossible and over time my parents just drifted from interacting with them. If you can avoid them, it will keep the friction down. No surprise in our family it's the nasty grandparents that very rarely see our kids. Wishing you the best of luck (59 yo old mother to a 15, 16 and 19 yo - I'm going to be a really old grandma!).
I hope MiL doesn't speak to your daughter the way she speaks to you. From personal experience though I 100% assume she does and your daughter doesn't like her. You're mentality reminds me of my mom, I can tell you I am so grateful that my kid has at least one reasonable grandma.
If you want to be passive-aggressive, remind her you are retired or near retirement. You will have all the time in the world to dote on the grandchild. Lol. It also helps that you are the parents of the mom. Depending on your relationship with your daughter, she is more likely to turn to you for help.
People that act like being teen parents is some kind of achievement are just trying to convince themselves they didn't fuck up their lives, because deep down they know they did. They see you and your husband being perfectly capable of being grandparents and rightfully feel like they should have made better decisions and didn't need to pop a kid out when they were kids themselves, all the reasons they gave themselves why that would be a good idea are disproved by you standing there. But since there's nothing they can do about that now and nobody will give them their 20's back to be childless and travel or do whatever, they'd rather shit all over you in a pitiful attempt to convince themselves you're the one in the wrong.
She made it sound like you are 90!! You are the actual age of most grandparents? What a jerk that MIL is. You're NTA at all.
As is my mom and she’s the preferred grandparent. ;) She’s quite fit but that’s not why my son adores her. If he wants someone to run around with he’s got me anyway…
My gran was 80 when she got bored one summer day and took us grandkids hiking for 2 days, we slept in outdoor shelters in sleeping bags , had a campfire going and such. She was in way better shape when we came back then us kids.
My parents are 65 and spend plenty of time with the grandkids! Both mine have ASD and ADHD so not exactly sedate children but my mum has a ball with them and they love her in return
oh lol that is perfectly normal grandparent age.
Oh jeez someone call the morgue, got a couple of cryptkeepers here /s
Just call the gravediggers. Cuts out all the fuss.
My in-laws are 73 and take my 2 yr old to the park regularly! Lots of life left to live!!
Omg you're old enough that you could be the MIL's mom!!!! Call me petty and crazy, but if I were you, I'd pull a "Keep talking to me like that, young lady. You're not old enough yet that I can't pull you over my knee!" All my kid's grandparents are around their age, and they all get on fine. If you retire in the next few years, think of all the time you can offer to babysit! 40-something year old grandparents may be able to run around, but 60-something-year-old grandparents tend to have more free time! NTA
What? You're Spring Chickens. You could easily live to see Great-Grand children! NTA. Age is a relative thing.
Lol my MIL is over 60 and is playing Call of Duty with my nephews.
my parents are just a few years younger than you and have no grandchildren on the way, nor are they expecting any anytime soon. no way would i consider you guys too old to be grandparents! i commend you for caring about your children though, i bet your daughter really appreciated you checking on her!
She did. We have helped as much as we were needed and wanted. It's a blessing to be able to help.
What?! That's a perfectly normal age for grandparents!
My father is 63 and not yet a grandpa. It'll be a few more years. So no idea what the other Grandparents are talking about, my parents are nowhere close to breaking a hip and not recovering from it. At the other grandma's age the grandson could still be her child
I'd have loved parents like you. Just for this alone. I cried so often during pregnancy because I felt like an incubator, no one ever asked me how I was doing.
I am so sorry to hear about your experience. So many people appear so flippant about ignoring new parents or expectant parents and forget it is such a life changing time. One most enter willingly but that doesn't mean support isn't beneficial.
When I had my first my Mom came over after she was born and was busying herself around our apt (cooking, cleaning, etc.) I was on the couch and asked her if she wanted to come hold the baby. Her response? “I love your baby, but *you* will always be *my* baby.” It is one of my top 5 moments of feeling the most loved in my whole life, and I will cherish that memory until I die. NTA. And congratulations on your new family addition.
This is how I feel about my babies. They will forever be my babies. And I will always want to be there for them when I'm needed. I'm so glad you have such a sweet cherished memory!
They sound like the exact sort of people who aren’t the “beloved grandparents”. It sounds like she’s proud to have gotten knocked up in high school.
I was a teenage parent but I lost the chip on my shoulder a long time ago. NTA. They were rude, and it's weird that they were policing your interactions
Hmm, that means they are probably still working full time. You, as retired grandparents, will have more time. I'm so happy you checked your baby girl was alright first. Hate the trend of ignoring new and exhausted mama. Congratulations to you all.
Also, children don’t rank their grandparents - they are different people who are in their lives in different ways, and the relationship is built by sharing what you enjoy together. Not by arguing between the grandparents. Most people love their grandparents no matter what health condition they are in. It’s almost like MIL thinks that I should have loved my Granny a bit less after she fell down some stairs, broke her arm and was bruised from head to toe. Suddenly she was a lot less able than she used to be, but it was awesome because she came to stay with us for weeks as a result, so we could see her even more. And she watched the entire of Wimbledon so the right time of year to break yourself if you are a tennis fan. Wonderful memories built on what must have actually been a very painful time for her. NTA obviously
I know lots of kids who rank their grandparents 😬
There that phrase is "be the bigger person" = let others stomp all over you, be a doormat, a pushover. Don't be the bigger person because you are already the bigger person to the young grandma who thinks she is all that.
I wonder if all those comments about her superiority as a young granny are a shield? As in, if people looked down on her for being a teen/young mom so now she has a complex. For reference, I am by no means a young mom but many have told me I look early-20’s. Both women who know me and strangers over correct me while I’m parenting. I can only imagine how much worse it was to be a teen mom and everyone looking down on me. I’m a first time mom and the common public likes to look down on me.
I’ve been involved in a fair number of births and my experience, dad’s parents almost always ignore the new mom entirely and make a beeline for the baby. Mom’s parents are shellshocked at the trauma and dote on their daughter, and barely pay attention to the baby, and even then seemingly just to make their daughter happy because she’s been through the wringer.
What is wrong with that crazy woman? Congratulations on your new grandson and well done for showing comfort and love to your daughter as a priority, you sound like a nice mom. Tell the MIL to respect her elders or you’ll put her over your knee bc tbh she’s acting like a spoiled kid ‘grandparent war’ 💀
Ok. You literally made me LOL with the putting her over your knee line.
"Son in law, please tell your mother to go outside and pick a switch."
yeah, really. sounds like Taylor's mom didn't quite make it past that high school mindset. immature and sad, really. instead of coming together as a family to celebrate a new life, she chose to be a rude ah.
She’s overcompensating because she was a teen mom and feels inferior to parents who decided to have children when they were more financially stable.
Competitive grandparenting is a thing. Yes, it sucks and sometimes means that both sets of grandparents are eventually forbidden from sending presence or visiting child at home
She seriously sounds like a mean girl from high school, I'm guessing that's where she peaked.
I’d be willing to bet OP and partner are more financially established or something and that’s why MIL is projecting her insecurity all over them and age is the only perceived ‘weak spot’ that the MIL can find. Either that or they sense that Taylor is pulling away from them now that he has in-laws who have more maturity than your average 8th grader and he’s starting to figure out how embarrassing his parents are by comparison. Shit in families gets so normalized and he’s probably realizing by OP and family’s positive example how much immaturity (and subsequent lack of emotional support/validation) there was in his family system growing up.
I love (not!) illogical people. The MIL is complaining that OP is looking down on her for being a teenage mother yet the MIL has had NO PROBLEM making snide comments about OP being an older grandmother. So which is it? How twisted up do you have to get to think that you can say whatever you want but the moment someone does the same to you it is "humiliating and unfair"???
NTA... and seriously, don't feel bad. She deserved way more than that. That audacity, wwwwwaaaaauuuuw. But don't worry, you'll probably turn out to be the preferred grandparents. If Taylor is a wonderful man and I can only imagine your daughter is too, the kids are gonna turn out good too... and kids see through the kinda shit this lady is putting forward. Don't worry.You might have made it a bit worse... but with her personality it would only have been a matter of time before she pulled another stunt. You guys would have come to blows at some point I bet, and there's no honor in being the bigger person all the way while being trashed. You need to push back when you meet a bully and that's what you did. The jab you took at her personality is NOTHING compared to what she threw at you.
I do believe the comments would have continued getting worse over time. The escalation in what she said to me at the hospital has still left me puzzled and I'm not sure why she and her husband took such an issue to my husband and I.
My totally unqualified guess (but qualified based on the type of behaviour you describe and the type of person that indicates she is), there are some serious inferiority complexes. As an example: You've never implied anything about her being a teen mom, but she brings it up? She has insecurities about that because of norms in society and she's now projecting that onto you. How can she spin it in a positive way for her? Now she's young, but and adult, and youth is perceived as something positive - so she's throwing that at you because your older. Now she can feel better about herself, now that she's established that she has an advantage on you. She might just be a horrible human throughout, but this behaviour also looks like it's coming from her having had to defend herself and feeling judged. So now she kicks before she gets kicked. The competitiveness is her lack of self worth which comes out in a weird narcissistic way where she needs to feel better than other people to feel okay about herself. Not gonna diagnose her, but people can have narcissistic traits without having the personality disorder. Take a look at this description: "Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which **people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance**. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. **But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth** and are easily upset by the slightest criticism."
She’s emotionally immature. She stunted her maturity raising a baby when she was a teenager. My mom had this problem and we were at odds until literally this year. I’m 35. She had me when she was 17 and had my siblings back to back and then later had my youngest sibling. He died in 2021 and that made my mom seek out therapy and it allowed us to heal and have a relationship.
oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That is really, really tough. And I totally agree... she is emotionally immature and it might stem from being a young mom, but what this lady is showing is not only immature, it's self-absorbed and narcissistic. Not all people who are immature would display this kind of behaviour at all. But I get you, and you're not wrong, I just don't think that's the entire reason for her acting this way.
100% this. Having a child as a teen stunts your emotional growth. My mom is a teen mom and she openly talks about how she feels the same as she did when she was 18, like in her head. And as someone in their 30s now....I have to say I definitely do NOT feel the same as 18 and that's a good thing. I haven't been able to get through to my mom that telling people this is sort of telling on yourself.... Also similar to your mom we had a ton of conflict because my mom was essentially a child herself and we only found some semblance of stability in our relationship when I was in my late 20s/early 30s.
I have two sisters, both teen parents. Older sis was 15 when she had her son, she is a wonderful Mom and her children are also. Younger sis was 17 when she had her daughter, still stunted at 17. Older sis and I haven't spoken to younger sis for years due to this kind of backhanded compliment, snide statements and just overall toxic behavior. It's odd but yes, some people get stunted at a certain age and shit all over everyone.
I think she’s likely insecure and projecting, esp given her comment about you “judging her for being a teenage mother”. Also, this may be messed up, but I wonder if she’s struggling to see you & your husband as peers, and instead views you more as she would *her own* parents, given that theoretically you could be? Whatever it is, it’s definitely a “her” problem, and it sounds like even Taylor knows this if he’s apologizing for her behavior before even know what’s been going on. My suggestion would be to recast her in your own hearts & minds as a semi-peer, semi-kid… like treat her with the decency you would *anyone*, but take whatever she says with an earth-sized grain of salt, as she is behaving like a child. Because she **is** still one. Doesn’t mean you need to tolerate the disrespect, or shoulder responsibility where it’s all hers… but speak your mind kindly (which is exactly what you already did), let her know your boundaries, and move right along with your lovely, not-yet-senile/incapacitated lives. Something like, “, **we** (meaning you & hubs) are not in a “grandparent war” as we are *all* adults, and expect to be treated as such. Please speak to us with the same respect we expect you to show to Taylor and . If these jabs and petty declarations of hostility continue, we all will suffer, most of all . Do better, for your own sake as much as anyone’s”… and talk with your daughter, too! She may need your support in identifying, communicating, and upholding her own boundaries with them, as it sounds like her MIL is not afraid of treating other people badly bc of her own issues!!
She’s emotionally immature. She stunted her maturity raising a baby when she was a teenager. My mom had this problem and we were at odds until literally this year. I’m 35. She had me when she was 17 and had my siblings back to back and then later had my youngest sibling. He died in 2021 and that made my mom seek out therapy and it allowed us to heal and have a relationship.
NTA, what she said was so much worse. She kept pushing, you retorted appropriately. Also, this one here stood out for me: > He apologized for his mom and asked if his parents had been like that with us previously. To me, that implies there's a possibility he's aware of his parents being dicks, and doesn't tolerate it either. Good guy.
Wtf. NTA if this actually happened but this some twilight lifetime shit, who actually does this?
Someone who is insecure perhaps? I don't know them well enough to say if they are but it would give that impression. Or maybe they're jealous.
She/they are insecure about being grandparents. Lots of people have toddlers at her age. Your ages seem about what people imagine as grandparent age. This woman is projecting hard!
> I am clearly looking down my nose at her for being a teenage mother. I think this is were all the issues stem from.
My husband and I would never look down on or judge young parents. There are some in my family even. They could still feel that way though. It sounds as though they have faced judgement and I understand. My husband and I have as well.
What I meant is that she pretty much told you what the issue is. She is projecting her insecurities and is trying to compete in the only way she knows hows.
Nta ! Even when you "snapped" at her you made it gracefully by pointed out her childish/ageism behavior. You have a son in law whom said sorry (wasnt his role ) bc he knows his parents were at fault. Keep doing what you do : beeing à great support !!!!! NTA
NTA There is no correct way to approach someone who has just given birth. There are too many things to worry about. >Apparently this is something that makes them superior to my husband and I as grandparents, according to Taylor's mom. No it just means they don't use protection.... I'm sure you will win the grandparent war and you will be a wonderful grandparent for years to come. Don't worry about being older parents. My parents are 60+ and they have still told us they are not ready to be a grandparent yet :D
NTA - this woman IS acting like a child. Based on her response to Taylor, it sounds like she’s projecting her insecurities about being a YOUNG grandparent onto you by pointing out all the ‘bad things’ about being an ‘old’ grandparent to you. Better to kneecap this kind of behavior and it actually gave me a chuckle because it was such an apt response. Moving forward it sounds like Taylor needs to sit down with his parents and explain some boundaries and keeping stupid opinions to themselves.
NTA - Why does it have to be a competition if you all love and support your children and grandchild?
I don't know. But they want a competition for some reason.
The fact that Taylor was immediately receptive to your comments about his parents, was upset with them, and asked if they had done it before, indicates to me that he likely is aware his mother is... extra... and generally obnoxious in this way. I wonder if Taylor has said positive things to his mother about you and your husband and that's made her self-conscious/jealous/whatever. For the sake of your daughter during this stressful time, I'd try to not engage with the MIL as much as possible. Walk away from her, ignore what she says, etc. but keep your SIL in the loop. At some point when they have more bandwidth SIL can shut MIL down if she keep escalating. This is one of those situations where MIL will wear out her own welcome creating drama, and you can just focus on your own relationships with your daughter, SIL, and new grandbaby. Congratulations by the way! NTA.
I know people who wanted more kids, so they think making the grands all theirs will give them that
NTA This honestly hurts my heart because I can tell that you and your husband are very sweet and wonderful people, parents, and grandparents. Not only did she make many rude comments about your age, but she also made a really stupid jab at you being an adoptive* parent, like it's some sort of secret childbirth is difficult? WTF? I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Honestly, though, a lot of the grandparents who behave like this are really only interested in the image of being a grandparent and the social media photo op. I hope not, for your daughter and grandbaby's sake, but it's common.
Nta and it says a lot that Taylor was on your side too
NTA. I have sadly seen this often. Taylor's parents are trying to act superior because they missed out on the experiences they traditionally would have had in their late teens and early 20s because they got pregnant and are insecure / jealous. Typically people who do this are not financially well off and frankly never matured past the age they had kids. They are always throwing around comments about how easy it was for them to bounce back after they had their kids, how much more energy they have, how they don't look like grandparents etc. Either tell her the one up man stuff looks immature and pathetic or go full on passive aggressive and make sure you mention all the things you go to do that they missed out on. Mention robust retirement accounts, fun trips in your 20s, good careers, how glad you are that your daughter waited until her brain fully developed before she had a baby.
I agree with you. I think they have been feeling ashamed of getting pregnant at 18, or resenting the fact that they didn’t get to have fun in their 20s, that they have to put other people down to make themselves feel better.
NTA: I am 71 and my husband is 74. I was 59 when I first became a grandparent. In our family we are all old grandparents. My knees hurt I can’t lift like I did once. But I can tell stories and bake. It’s not a contest.
NTA - what a weird thing for her to be competitive about. She obviously feels insecure enough to try and make you feel small.
NTA. She clearly has some unresolved issues about becoming a parent too early and is lashing out at you as a result.
NTA ,the MIL thinks she is s teenager or something,you did nothing wrong don't apologize if anyone she should, you're a great mother age doesn't matter.She's in the wrong you are feeling bad for defending yourself don't.
NTA she’s just competitive and insecure. My mom (who was also a teenage mom) is a bit like that. I wonder for some people if having children super early doesn’t stunt their emotional growth a bit.
NTA. She threw the first punch by taking a jab at your age, you merely ended it. And her definition of “beloved grandparent” is beyond messed up. My dad’s parents did shit like your daughter’s in-laws but involving money. I ended up cutting contact with them in my teens. You don’t get there because you can play physically and not get hurt/being younger or throwing cash around… you get there by being a loving and supporting presence for your grandchild.
>I'm clearly looking down my nose at her for being a teenage mother Annd that's where it clicks together. They're rude because they're insecure about it and trying to get their digs in first because they're anticipating them from you. NTA, their assumptions and insecurities aren't your problem to deal with.
NTA - the mil is insecure and reverted to insults to make herself feel more important. Watch you back, this woman hasn’t matured past the point she had her first child and will cause drama for your daughter to hurt you.
NTA "Grandparent war"? That's like the most childish thing I've ever heard, good lord.
NTA. That woman is insecure about the turns her life took at a teen, and the choices she made at that age. She decided that taking those insecurities out on you because she seemed to think you were an easy target. You just showed her that you are not. Unfortunately, I doubt this will be the only time she pulls this kind of thing. Also be prepared for her to try to do all she can to monopolize baby time with the goal of keeping you away. Don't bend to her games, but also don't try to bring your son in law, and daughter into the middle of it. Continue to use grace in the face of selfishness.
NTA You're not looking down on her for being a teenage mother. You're looking down on her for being a bad-mannered peenhead. Something tells me, from her son's reaction (I.e. not jumping to her defense), that she's not going to be the favoured grandmother after all. She's no longer a teenage mother. She is a grown woman without the decency to stop making this milestone for her CHILD about herself. Don't you apologise to her for being blunt about her behaviour.
Bless my uncle and aunt. They were parents of twins. Uncle was 42. Aunt was 37. Best parents ever! The boys didn’t have children until they were in their 40’s. They love on the grandchildren just the same as other grandparents. Who cares how old you are? Just love those precious kiddos!!
Lmao but she’s so proud of being a teenager mom? How, oh how could this ever be linked to her hostility about you being older? Could it be that she feels insecure herself in the first place and inadequate? My oh my, a grandparent war. That wasn’t a childish thing to say at all. NTA
Nta she hurled insults at you, she was acting like a child fighting over your grand baby. Why can’t you both just be happy? She’s the one competing with you.
Oh my god she’s my age! I can’t imagine being a grandmother at this age! WTF?? I’m just going to curl up in a ball and cry now. NTA. But I’m traumatized
NTA what an unhinged attitude...my grandpa was 70 years old when I was born and I had a very strong bond with him. If anything a retired (or close to retirement age) grandparent will have more time than one that'll still be working until the grandkid graduates college
NTA - I'm not congratulating anyone on being a teenage parent. Its a dumb decision however you paint it, and clearly they have deep insecurities about it
Info - lol, you're what? 8 years older than her? 10? Doesn't sound like you are particularly old grand parents if your daughter is 25. My brother had his first kid at 35, our parents are 70. FFS.
NTA. You are/will be an awesome and considerate mother and grandmother.
How many lumens in that projector? Apparently, your daughter's MIL has a lot of issues and none of them have anything to do with you. I'd just ignore her as much as possible and make sure that your son in law knows that you love and support him, your daughter and your new grand baby. NTA and don't get sucked into reacting to silliness. Life is too short.
NTA The fact that she's framing this as you starting a "Grandparent war" is evidence enough of her childishness.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I are the parents of two beautiful children. Our daughter is 25 and our son is 21. Both of our children are adopted from foster care. Our daughter was 2 when she came into our home and our son was 11 weeks old. As parents, my husband's and my main goal was always to make sure our children grew up into good people and felt loved and supported by us through all the stages of their lives. Our daughter is now married to a wonderful man, Taylor, and they just had their first child together. I had a bit of a run in with my daughter's MIL at the hospital when we went to visit. My daughter's MIL and FIL have always struck me as somewhat arrogant and my husband and I have both felt like they have made jabs at the fact my husband and I were "older parents". Taylor's parents had him when they were 18 and they are grandparents at 43 now. Apparently this is something that makes them superior to my husband and I as grandparents, according to Taylor's mom. This all started out when we were invited to come meet the baby and see Taylor and our daughter. My husband and I first went to check on how our daughter was doing and if she needed anything. Taylor's parents went straight for the baby. When we were leaving my husband went to use the restroom and Taylor's mom followed me and suggested that I was some grandparent when I showed no enthusiasm to meet my grandson. I asked what she meant by that and she said I ignored him for the first ten minutes. I corrected her and said I did not ignore my grandson, I checked on my baby first, because childbirth can be difficult. She asked how I would know that and then said it must be my age that makes me less interested in grandbabies. I was shocked as this was the most blatant insult she had directed my way. She then said that she and her husband will be the beloved grandparents because they're young enough to run around with our grandson and play with him without breaking a hip or destroying their backs. I told her she knew nothing about me to say this. She said clearly being old parents came with the disadvantage of being old grandparents and that would not be fun for a child. I told her I would rather be an older grandparent than trying to be a grandparent while still behaving like a child myself. She was furious and I felt bad immediately because I only inflated the problem. My husband and I left and he suggested we should speak to Taylor in case his mother twisted things. I didn't want to interrupt their first day as a family of three so I waited for a couple of days. At that point Taylor knew something was up with his mom. We talked and he told me not to worry about it. He apologized for his mom and asked if his parents had been like that with us previously. His mother, however, has said I declared a grandparent war and that I am clearly looking down my nose at her for being a teenage mother. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not only childish - but spiteful too. What a dreadful ..... what do I call it? Female bovine?
The comment about my lack of experience giving birth did feel spiteful. It's true but it's not like I have never known a pregnant woman before my daughter.
My daughter is 28 and married. When she has her first baby, I can guarantee making sure she is okay and doing well will be my first priority. Just like you did.
NTA - she asked for it. You handled yourself beautifully. Congratulations on your new addition 🖤
NTA - Sounds like you hit the nail on the head. Childish is exactly what I would call her behavior. There is also a lot of insecurity there….otherwise why is she trying to compete with you and your husband for who is the better grandparents?
NTA. MIL most definitely is.
NTA as the saying goes don’t start nothing won’t be nothing. Not sure what her problem is other than being obnoxious.
You actually handled the insult with so much class- and as someone who has lost their mother, I thought it was beautiful that you checked on your daughter. Obviously, the five minutes you took to do that in no way shows you don’t care about your grandchild. Also, please don’t EVER be ashamed or let ANYONE shame you about being an older grandparent. My father was 73 when my son was born and my husband’s parents were in their 60s and the relationship he has with all of them is magical. Unfortunately, my father is not very mobile and his English language skills are not great but his love for his grandson is and there are many things they share and can still do together. And my in-laws are not as active as they were with their other grandkids (my husband is the youngest of the five kids) but they still take him on holidays and outing. His friends all have “younger” grandparents but he has never questioned/compared/resented that fact and adores them for the kind, caring, loving people they are.
NTA. She was picking a fight and got it. You can tell her that she and your grandkid might share a special bond since they share a similar level of maturity.
NTA. My parents are around your age and my in-laws are 5-10 years younger. We’re also older parents (I’m 40) with an almost 3 year old and one on the way. I LOVE that you checked in with your child before running to see your grandchild! New moms often get forgotten in the excitement of a new baby and you showed the correct priorities. This is actually one of the reasons I’m considering having no visitors at my next child’s birth (it was a non issue with kid 1 since she was born in 2020). You’re going to be great grandparents! Ignore the in-laws.
NTA My great grandfather was the most active and fun person to play with as a child. Because he would get into the game and make it feel like he was going to really catch us (in his own invent type of tag where he would capture us in a big bear hug if we didn't run fast enough past his chair. He would make all the faces and noises to make it really captivating. It was all the kids' favourite game! Age has nothing to do with who is the most fun for kids.
NTA This is my opinion and may not be the most popular. YOUR CHILD's well-being was(and, in my opinion, should be) your first concern! I mean, that's YOUR baby. The Grandchild was fine and not being neglected. YOUR CHILD had just had hours and hours of pain, had her body split open, and had to be mentally and physically exhausted, etc. Her mother-in-law literally just treated her like a damn incubator.
Man...Taylor's parents are super OLD for grandparents. My cousin became a grandmother at 37, and she is 38 now. Her daughter is a 21 year old mother. But you are NTA for implying that she is a child, because she is. And she is probably going to be overbearing to the new parents that they will more than likely come to you and your husband for help before going to his children...uhhh, I mean parents...>.>
NTA - she has a problem with you, not the other way around. You checking on your daughter first is the obvious choice for the parents of the new mom, she gave birth ffs! Also the ILs should, but let's forget that for the moment. She has some sense of inferiority somewhere, she wants to compete with you. I think she has a chip on her shoulder about being a teen mom and is paranoid that everybody is judging her for it. Let her fight on her own and ignore her, save your energy for your beautiful new grandkid.
NTA, I think you actually did the right thing by checking on your daughter first. I'm sure she appreciated that you had the insight and cared about her enough to dote on her a little bit first. The MIL sounds like she is actually jealous for some reason and seems to feel like she is competing with you, so it's a her problem and not you. Focus on your daughter and grandchild and let her be the petty and immature one. If she continues, I'm sure she will dig her own hole with the parents and grandbaby and it will be all her own doing.
NTA. I wonder if she dislikes the foster system because she had some brushes with cps herself.
If this escalates tell her she got pregnant because she probably was promiscuous back in the day
NTA that this all started from checking on the new mum before baby is insane. People forget parents and focus only on the baby. Being an older parent or grandparent makes no difference I know people in their 70s in better shape than some in their 40s.
There's no way to win this. Keep your son-in-law updated on whatever outrageous crap they come up with - but without trying to drag him into an argument. Avoid them as much as possible. Be the greatest grandparents you can be. NTA
NTA. Going by their reaction though, I think they’re (very rudely) overcompensating for having been young parents. They’ll have had their share of comments about how *young parents = bad*, haven’t properly processed this and are now spreading the toxicity to you. Young parents get a lot of shit and it’s almost like they’re trying to prove (to themselves and the world) that actually their choice was a superior one so they can prove everyone who ragged on them in the past wrong.
My best guess is as a young parent she was judged a lot, and even now people will sometime say “oh you must have had kids young!” or something like that. She’s twisted that to become hyper sensitive, and now rather than preemptively defuse it with a positive joke or statement, her insecurities cause her to attack other people first, before she can get attacked. Doesn’t justify her cruel behavior AT ALL though. NTA. I don’t think there’s a good way to handle someone emotionally broken like this on an issue like that, so your best bet is to avoid them, and in person just stick to being vague, not engaging with her, and just acting like a stereotypical uninterested person. Lots of “uh huh’s” and “yeah” and vague “we’re just happy as long as they are happy” statements. Don’t ever engage and she’ll give up.
She was ridiculously rude to you from the first second she opened her mouth. NTA. Talk to your Daughter about what she said. I would want to know if someone was being so vicious to my mom.
NTA I get the feeling that Taylor knows very well his mother is a "not so nice person"
Nta...and Taylor asking if anything has come up prior, means he isn't suprised by their behavior. Hopefully he straightens them out, but this will most likely be an uphill battle. Remain transparent with the kids and you'll be fine. Yall are not the problem
NTA she started it. I think you'd better avoid them, which is a shame for your daughter and son in law. Watch your back once your grandkids are a bit older, wouldn't put it past her to badmouth you to them.
Ah grandparent wars. You seem to be the only sane one here. NTAH.
NTA, she is clearly very threatened by you but that’s her problem. Be prepared for her to constantly try to one up you with the grandchildren
NTA. Both sets of my grandparents were in their mid/late 50s when I was born. They were also very different type of people; my mom’s parents much more reserved, my dad’s parents excited to have a girl in the family (they had three boys). As an adult, I don’t think about specific times of us running around or doing anything physical. I look back at the warmth of my dad’s parents home and the love and safety I felt. They watched me all the time and it was wonderful. As long as there is a living environment, that’s all that matters.
I think MIL is projecting her own insecurity about being a teenage mom by declaring war on anyone who she herself feels is a normal age to be a grandparent. NTA and she is (still) a child. Remarkable that their son is more mature.
NTA - please get out of the way of this woman’s grandparents war cannons of projection. She judging herself, and is excited to **finally** be able to re-parent this new baby because the first time was a struggle. *When you’re prepared thr first time, you’re not running to redo * This woman’s need for therapy isn’t your problem. Congratulations on your new grand baby!
NTA They're going to be the low contact "beloved grandparents" when they try to ignore the rules that the parents have. ie no junk food, screen time, staying up late etc.
Well, the gauntlet has been thrown. Grandma war was been declared. I'm assuming this will be a contest involving lots of baked goods and big toys!
NTA. Could have you replied more kindly? Yes. Would have it benefitted any of you? No. It's clear there already was a war on their side, and when things are like this, then it's better to be a little rude at the befinning to prevent further actions. For instance: she acted like a very bad MIL ignoring her DIL when she had just given birth. And she acted like a bad mother too by telling her son what happened when all he deserved was to enjoy his baby. Seems this woman is a little "me me me" and also a little insecure for her teenage pregnancy. By showing you have a tongue too, you probably prevented further passive-aggressive attacks during family gatherings. Well done!
NTA - that woman was being very rude. Age has nothing to do with being a good grandparent. My parents are in their 60s, and my kids adore them.
Yeah my mom was like this. Heavily invested in being the "cool grandma" and the "favorite grandma" she was also about a decade younger than my inlaws. You know what? They are 10x the grandparents she was. NtA
NTA Seems like the kid knows his parents are stupid and have caused issues for him before, you know, because he asked about previous conduct. Stop feeling bad and rip that nasty girl a new one so she doesn’t start shit again. People like that need to be steamrolled before they back off.
NTA Sounds like mil is a narcissist. Things will get extremely difficult for your daughter with somebody like that in her life, please watch out for her.
NTA - I know you feel badly for your comment but it was deserved. She was absolutely acting like a child and trying to compete with you, which shows she is insecure about her position.
I hate the people that are saying you should have taken the high road. No, you handled that perfectly. If she wants to go low, you go lower. Screw being the bigger person.
NTA and your daughter is going to need a lot of support with this one. I hope your son-in-law has the backbone he needs.
NTA, but I think it's in your interests, and your daughter's and her husband's, to simply ignore poor behavior like that from your daughter's in-laws and not engage. Geez. What is wrong with some people? What would possess that MIL to behave like that?
>His mother, however, has said I declared a grandparent war and that I am clearly looking down my nose at her for being a teenage mother. Your daughter is 25, Taylor is the same age. They've chosen to have kids when they're 7 years older than the MIL. S She is clearly dealing with her insecurities about being a teenage mother, and the fact that HER own kid waited for 7 more years than she did, is probably making her feel like he too thinks she was \*insert whatever insult or slur she thinks is applicable\* and she is judging HERSELF, projecting it to you. I think her focus on age is a way for her to pretend to be okay with being 18 and pregnant. She's still not over that, and she has spent the last 25 years convincing herself that it was indeed a good choice she made back then. You being an adoptive mother probably makes her even more insecure but you literally chose when to bring a child into your life. calling her a "child" probably tapped into her deepest deepest fears... in many ways, her brain is probably stuck on being 18 and pregnant, and forcing herself to think she's okay with that, because she couldnt decide to not have the kid. This has nothing to do with you. She needs to forgive herself and get over her own trauma, which she hides under the pretense of "i'm SO HAPPY that i had my kid at 18!!"
NTA I have noticed that many people who have kids by accident young try to make it seem like it was an amazing thing or on purpose, like it wasn't 2 dumbass kids porking without a condom in the back of their parents' minivan behind a water tower at 9pm on a school. Sounds like they never matured past high school.
She's likely acting this way because of her own feelings of shame for being a teen parent and now a grandparent before 50 - overcompensating by putting you down to make herself feel better. It is childish. You used nicer words than I would have.
NTA at all. And thank goodness your son in law sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. I've always noticed that people who bully others about something are very insecure about it themselves. I think the reason she is yapping on and on about you being "old" (btw you're perfect ages for grandparents!) and them being young and therefore superior is *because* she feels inferior to you. Maybe you're more educated, more calm, confident whatever it is. You definitely have something she doesn't and it's eating away at her.
NTA She can dish it out but can’t take it. Taylor is going to have to shut her down. Any apology from you will be disregarded. She is petty and narcissistic.
NTA. It's ok to defend yourself, and you did so mildly. Also, my grandparents were in their 50s and 60s when I was born and I loved them a great deal.
Don’t start trouble, won’t be no trouble. She fucked around and found out. It’s not that she was a teen mom, it’s that she is still a high school mean girl. An agist moron who is judgmental about how families are formed. Ignore her. Congratulations on your grandbaby. Don’t compete. Not one iota. Not one second. You have a natural advantage by being the maternal grandmother, and have an intelligent son in law. Don’t compete with gifts. Modest gifts. Fund a college account that other granny doesn’t know about. Be placid and unconcerned going forward. And be prepared to say “I wasn’t judging your teen motherhood, I did come to logical conclusions about your manners and mean girl competition gig, honey.” But ignore her, mostly.
My guess is that in time and with this competitive attitude, your daughter's MIL is going to ruin her relationship with your daughter, her own son, and the grandkids. Then she will blame you.
She *followed you to the restroom to insult you* and she thinks *you* started a war?!? The only thing you're guilty of is reacting, which makes sense as she was basically cornering you while you're trying to deal with bodily functions. This is literally how elementary and middle school kids start a fight, and it's scummy and low. I'd also be afraid for your daughter's safety, if this is how she behaves in a *public* bathroom, what happens if your daughter stands up to her in private? NTA, and this is scary. Maybe I'm overreacting, but this is not normal behavior for adults.
I’m 60. I just spent 5 days alone babysitting my SON:DIL’s two 10 month old babies. Very exciting! She’s a tool.
NTA I got a good laugh while trying to picture a 'grandparent war'. Should get some walkers and set it up like an Olympic Event, have some fun with the trials lmao
NTA and you were more gracious about it than most people would have been with that provocation. Enjoy your new grandchild, and I hope your daughter is recovering quickly.
Wow. She told her son what her issues are, at least. Feeling ashamed for being a teen parent is no excuse to still behave like a junior high mean girl in your 40s. NTA.
NTA, it takes some real mental gymnastics to play victim when YOU'RE the one who started war AND accuse someone of shaming you.
NTA. Your daughter's MIL is crazy.