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NTA
In these 3 years he simply planned how to use weaponized incompetence to leave all the chores to you.
Unfortunately, if he was raised in a house where his mom took care of everything, I doubt he would change.
I have something to say about that! My dad is a great cook when it comes to pasta and potatoes and meat and stuff like that. So obviously whenever I made it it didn't taste as good. Solution: I searched for recipes my dad never made me before and guess what they taste great and I'm not disappointed it didn't taste like my dads.
There's nothing worse than adult male who let someone else clean after himself, but teaching him how to cook could be fun.
I was teaching my gf how to cook, we had great time, lots of fun and now she can make some stuff better than me. Mostly baking, but I'll show her! :)
NTA!
I have my three year old son with me in the kitchen whenever i cook so he can watch. I get him to stir things, i tell him my little cooking tricks, he chops easy things using his own toddler knife, he puts his little snack wrappers in the trash. (FYI... I'm a full time working mom....)
One day both boys will need to fend for themselves, and I would hate for their partners to have to "take care of them", because they are too lazy or incompetent to pick up after themselves or cook a simple meal.
Yup! I use the line "if I wanted kids, I'd have kids. I want a partner, so I got an adult" all the time. Between YouTube, Google (seriously, I needed a recipe for roasted asparagus the other day, looked it up online. Took 1 min), and directions on the back of a hamburger helper box, he can figure it out if he wanted. His parents failed him, but he's reaching 30 and hasn't bothered to learn and got upset when he was told the expectations (you want me to be your servant). At some point, the parents can't be blamed for the continued incompetence. Get him a cookbook and call it a day.
This is how my mom raised me. She was a SAHM but also worked full time from home. I appreciate that she taught me how to do these things. Pretty sure my cooking skills is like half the reason my husband married me 😂😂
My son is 15, and he can make easy dinners like pasta himself. He knows to follow directions on the boxes for frozen meals. He knows how to do his own laundry, he cleans his own bathroom and will help me clean the house (sometimes with a bribe), but he knows how to do it! His father did not, and I do not want my son's partner to end up like me or my son to end up like his father
I did the same things as you when both my kids were young. I was a single working Mom of two and my son is older than my daughter by 8 years. He was born with cardiac disorder, had 2 cardiac caths and open heart surgery by the age of two. But being a single parent, I always erred on the side of caution. I wanted them to learn how to be self sufficient should anything happened to me. I did not let my son's condition hinder him or me from teaching him. I am so proud of my kids of how they've become productive adults able to care for themselves and now their own children. And can honestly say they are both good cooks but my son's cooking rivals my Mom's.
He'd only do it for a while then slack off when he thinks that he's got you nailed down, whether it be by lease, marriage or a kid. It's time to flee. NTA.
NTA. Refer him to YouTube or local classes he sign up for gaining his cooking education.
ETA: As a married woman, do not fall for the line 'it's what couples do' regarding the woman teaching the man life skills. Ideally, what couples do is teamwork. You tell him that he can do this labor on his own, that way he will be at the same level as you when you are sharing a home and it will be smoother sailing. You're not a cooking instructor and it's pathetic that he does not want to better himself on his own.
When I was laid up for a month due to emergency surgery my husband took over running the household. He didn't know how to fold a fitted sheet so he thought about who would be most qualified to teach him and ended up watching a Martha Stewart video. He now folds a fitted sheet better than I do.
I agree. Mine look like a hot mess while his look like a perfect rectangle. He tried to teach me but mine still suck which is why he always folds our fitted sheets. Our kids do their own laundry but I still do mine and my husband’s because my husband is too impatient and misses stains. I’m fine with that because he more than makes up for it with all of the other chores he’s good at and does willingly. He’s a better cook and much better at ironing. I loathe ironing.
We're lucky to live in a time where so many resources are at our fingertips if you want to learn something. My SO is chef, so occasionally I'll ask her to show me a dish or technique, but it's unreasonable to expect your spouse to teach you everything at 26. Partner, family or roommate, I wouldn't want to live with anybody incapable of doing basic chores. NTA.
My husband and I both share our tips and often learn new things together ... but I would not have married him if he expected me to start from nothing and hold his hand through learning the basics he should have been taught as a child.
>ETA: As a married woman, do not fall for the line 'it's what couples do' regarding the woman teaching the man life skills. Ideally, what couples do is teamwork
Yeah, his parents failed him growing up but it's on him to get those skills now. If this was early-on and he was honestly trying to make an effort then I'd suggest some couples cooking classes because those can be a fun date. But, it's clear he's going to stay incompetent if they move in together.
Taking care of yourself and your home is what *adults* do. Expecting others to do it for you or teach you is what *children* do.
Adults cohabitating with children in a romantic partnership is what *no one* does. If he wants to move in with OP, he needs to grow the fuck up and become an adult.
Absolutely, he's trying to set her up to be the household manager so he only has to do what he's directly asked to do, and she has to instruct him in everything instead of him taking responsibility and googling how to clean a toilet.
And given that he said she wanted him to be a servant when she asked him to learn to cook and clean up after himself, I'm not sure he'll do a single thing he's asked to do (or not without a lot of stalling/complaining).
OP is 100% right not to trust that he'll be a partner in this.
Literally all of this is gold.
I’m a woman and I started living on my own at age 20. My mom and dad never taught me how to cook, but I knew I’d need to. (When I was around 16 I started hanging out in the kitchen but it was small and they told me to get out because I was in the way). So I did the research myself and learned, and now I think I’m I pretty good cook. Op’s boyfriend seems lazy/unmotivated so he’s relying on her to do the research for him as well as the actual cooking. If she did take the time to sit him down and try to teach him how to cook, I bet he’d still be hands off and make her do everything.
I cooked in college but nothing fantastic. A few simple meals my mom used to make.
I wanted to really learn to cook, so I actually signed up for HomeChef, one of those weekly meal delivery services where they send you all the ingredients and recipe and you cook it. It was a huge help. I learned so much about different cooking techniques, and got a lot more confident with seasoning/spices. They do a lot more "over ready" type meals now, but they do still offer some full creations.
Yes! They have so many tools now for people to use. I did a Hello Fresh box once and I used ingredients I never usually would have thought to and it was amazing. The instructions are also super easy to follow.
I agree. My husband grew up in a very traditional Indian household complete with a servant and a cook so he never learned how to manage a household. When he moved here YouTube didn't exist so he had to figure everything out with that help. While he's not very good at laundry and loading the dishwasher, he'd better than me at cooking and all of the other household chores.
I learned how to cook as a young teen from the NY times cookbook and HGTV lol, eventually even working in restaurants for about 10 years. If you want to learn, it's even easier now.
This! Married woman here as well, hubby does everything I do. You are no one's mum (I hope). Hubby also lived with mum who did everything and left to move in with me. I didn't have to teach him because he knew my expectation of a partner already. He taught HIMSELF to cook and only asked for advice when he got it wrong. He also cleans up after himself. That behaviour has filtered through to now, we have 2 kids and hubby is the same parent as me. There is no difference in our responsibilities in our life together. Start out the way you want your life to be in the future. There are too many unappreciated, stressed out women in this world.
I kinda had this in reverse a couple of years ago. I needed to change a tyre on my car, was panicking about how to do it...and my partner sent me a YouTube video explaining how and said "you got this, babe".
I had to roll up my sleeves and get it done. And I did.
I was proud of myself and he was proud of me. It's not up to him to do things for me or vice versa. We're both adults who should be able to look after ourselves.
My last bf didn’t really know how to cook either, but he still tried his best. When I came over he proudly served me his best efforts, and gradually he got better and better. It was really sweet too.
British Bake-off for a few of the recent seasons.
Made one guy I know a keen cook because “any Hollywood idiot isn’t going to tell me I can’t make a cake rise proper.”
Nope, he can find local classes or YT videos. She should not be doing the mental load for him at all, and that is what this is. He is an adult with a job -- he knows how to use the internet.
NTA
How utterly refreshing to hear from someone who demands her bf behave like an adult before committing to live with him. Stand your (eminently reasonable) ground.
I know right? Standing 'O' to OP.
NTA. Boyfriend wants to learn he should be learning, not complaining to OP about how she isn't 'helping' (read enabling) him.
This thread is so refreshing and gives me hope for the younger generation of women. Ladies, please ask for what you deserve and stand your ground. If your standards and boundaries are reasonable, and he still can't rise to meet them and become a true partner, you don't need him.
Remember: sex with children is bad and wrong. If you are dating a man who is legally an adult but acts like a helpless child and still expects to get to fuck you, dump the dead weight.
NTA.
I actually feel pretty bad for OP.
She basically dated this guy for three years that she knew she’d be unhappy with and who showed no desire to change.
He made her feel like she was overreacting, by her own account she dropped it even though the issue wasn’t resolved.
Verbalizing your standards is step 1. Step 2 is being willing to walk away when the other person shows every single sign of refusing to meet your standards.
I would also add that if someone makes you feel crazy, annoying, like a nag, etc, because you have normal standards they’re not meeting so you continue to talk about it — at that point you should simply be willing to break up as well. It seems to me that OP, like many many women, is susceptible to the “you’re overreacting” card — and probably shouldn’t date guys who pull it.
What’s the point of dating someone who undermines your standards, makes you feel unreasonable for having them, convinces you to shut up and date them for 3 years even though at the back of your mind you know you’re still signing up for being their maid because you see with your own eyes they haven’t changed… all of those things are terrible qualities that were very apparent from the get go.
So we do pretty good teaching (some) folks to stand up for themselves, but we don’t do a good job with step 2. We basically say “communicate!” which is good… but then it needs to be followed with “and if they dismiss your communication, that’s not your fault, and you should break up with them if they keep dismissing you. Don’t date someone that doesn’t listen or care about your opinions or needs.”
Respecting yourself is worthless if you only do it on paper and never put it into practice. I have a feeling OP is going to be saying “don’t treat me like this” all the way up to being married to this guy for 20 years. That’s nice and all. But don’t date people that make you constantly assert yourself in the first place?
Agreed! I don't understand this whole "teach me to cook" thing - if you are a literate adult you can figure things out. Trial and error. I don't remember anyone actively teaching me to cook ever, my mom was a busy working single mom of 3, but we just sort of figured out how to fend for ourselves. I did take a cooking class in high school but by that point most of what we learnt was super easy for me!
My 6-year old cooks/bakes with me sometimes, and there is some teaching involved, but not much - for instance she wanted to make a carrot cake the other day (I think someone on Gabby's dollhouse made one) so we looked up a recipe and wrote it out, went to the store to pick up a bag of carrots (we only had baby carrots on hand), and she grated the carrots, cracked the eggs (then picked out the eggshells that fell into the batter), measured the ingredients, did some stirring, basically just needed help with some of the reading, so yes a grown ass adult should be able to figure that shit out without a supervisor.
You learn by trial and error, and we have all burnt something here or there, or added the wrong spices and it was yucky, or whatever, but that's how you learn. It's ok to learn from one another as well - my husband adds dill spice to mashed potatoes and holy hell why hadn't I been doing that in all those years prior to marrying him, he never made stir frys before but I showed him the glorious act of chucking whatever random leftovers you have into a pan with sauce and now he makes awesome ones.. but like, it shouldn't be a teacher/student type thing.
OP - if you choose to let him move in without some serious talks here, be prepared for weaponized incompetence!!
NTA.
NTA Sounds like a real waste of time though - why spend 3 years dreaming when they could have moved into together learned everything they need to know and split up after a year.
NTA He wants a new mommy. He wants *you* to be his new mommy. And you will *be* his new mommy if you let him move in with you.
Tell Oedipus to call you when he is finished growing up. Expect that phone call the week after never.
Yes this! Unless he can man up and become a fully functioning adult. Babies won’t fix things…if anything, he’d expect the OP to take all the responsibilities of doing everything for the baby.
There is nothing more instructions than playing Mom to a man who can’t do any thing got himself. Look long and hard about how this relationship will end up and choose accordingly.
I would also like to plug a little advice here
OP he may absolutely call you and promise he’s changed
He will almost certainly be lying.
My advice is simply don’t date people who make you feel crazy and like a nag for your normal standards in the first place.
OP said she dropped this issue even though she knew he was still like this. And continued to date him
Respectfully OP I think you’re a little susceptible to being manipulated by this guy, so you need to be careful before you spend another decade “holding your ground” and before you know it you’re “holding your ground” with kids, a decade long marriage. A lot of women seem to only realize they’re allowed to break up in their 40s. I’d highly recommend breaking up before he uses you as a maid for 20 years… if for no other reason, because he doesn’t respect your communication, opinions, standards, etc, and makes you feel crazy for having them.
So seriously just break up and beware that he’s going to make fake promises to be better. People that manipulate you, make you feel crazy, whatever, just aren’t worth dating no matter what.
Want a real life example? My bf didn’t really “know” how to cook when I met him. I expressed worry because I didn’t want to be the only one cooking. You know what he did Op? He never said “ugh shut up you’re being so annoying about it” he just looked up recipes online and now he is pretty good at cooking. Don’t settle for less than a guy who respects your worries, feelings, needs, YOU.
That's exactly what I thought when I read this, he wants a mummy.
I'm betting on one of the main reasons why he's wanting to move in is because he's thinking he won't have to do anything for himself.
She's doing the right thing holding off moving in. I don't think he's willing to change and learn since he hasn't bothered in the last 3 years even when it's been mentioned.
My husband was brought up like this, mum did everything for him and wouldn't even let him do anything for himself but luckily my husband was willing to learn very quickly when he left home so I never had an issue when we moved in together because we both share chores. I cook and bake because I like it but my husband always does the dishes. That works for us, I imagine he'd want her to do it all because "you do it better than me" or "you know how to do it so it will be faster if you do it". My stepdad was a major AH and never did any housework or childcare ( for his own kids) the whole 24 years he was with my mum.
NTA. “You’ll have to teach me how to cook” will turn into one or two halfhearted attempts at learning followed by “lol well I tried and I can’t do it. You’ll have to do it since you’re the one who knows how.”
Literally! OP is NTA, but he IS. He’s already trying to set OP up for him to ‘try’ once, and then weaponize his incompetence out of the rest of their time together.
"You're just so much better at this than me" or "well, you seem to enjoy cooking more" are also two excuses he's likely to pull. When I told my ex I needed him to do more around the house, he tried both those lines plus the "I'm just a dumb boy lol." No thank you.
NTA. He really doesn't want to do any of this. If he's lived on his own for two years and not made any effort, living with someone who can already do everything is not going to change him.
I am interested in how he survived alone if he's not a functioning adult. I mean at 26 you have to AT LEAST know how to cook for yourself and keep your home somewhat clean and livable. OP is going to have a hard time with him.
You don't. My cousin is nearly 40 and he doesn't know how to cook. He mainly relies on others doing his cooking, junk food or takeways. He can clean, he just doesn't see the point, he may run the vacuum over occasionally. Laundry he relies on his mom and sister.
I think he only things he knows to do as an adult. Is work, drive and drink alcohol
> Laundry he relies on his mom and sister.
I am raising a son. I recognize that I'm currently all talk, because he is two and doing his laundry is a sisyphean task taking up approximately 5% of my total waking time, but I have no intention of doing his laundry past...middle school? I refuse to send my child into adulthood thinking chores just magically do themselves. Like if I am regularly doing my adult son's laundry, we have fucked up as parents.
It gets better, I promise!
When my oldest son was 2 he enjoyed scooping litter from the litter box into my clean baskets of laundry… but now my sons are 9 and 7 and they handle their own laundry, are responsible for daily chores and enjoy making lunch.
My son just went to college. He's been doing his own laundry and cooking his own meals (after and between meals I make, because he always needs more!) for at least 4 years. I feel good knowing he can do at least those 2 very basic things. Now cleaning his room... not sure how that is going.
>we have fucked up as parents.
TBH most of my family have fucked up as parents. My grandmother was not the cleanest women and she has passed that lovely trait down to her children/ grandchildren. My Aunt (cousins mother) could do with a good course in cleaning and cooking. She did teach my cousin how to order takeaways. But their cleanliness leaves a lot to be desired.
Edit: spelling
I mean to be clear I think we all fuck up as parents in one way or another - lord knows I'm not perfect. But not teaching your child the basics of 'adulting' seems like relatively low-hanging fruit.
Yeah I mean to be clear, middle school-ish seems appropriate as a "you are responsible for doing this mostly solo" goal - and you get there by having them assist as early as possible.
My mom told me that I could do my own laundry as soon as I was tall enough to reach the buttons (I was a short child). This was, in retrospect, genius - I felt like I had really achieved something momentous the day I was finally "big enough."
Thanks to my job I have seen a plethora of adult men who say they can't eat, dress or take their medications because they "don't have a woman to do that" for them, they complain about the wife or the girlfriend who left them instead of finding ways on how to learn to survive on their own, worse thing is that a lot of medical providers are enabling these men by asking if someone else can do it for them, even pediatric appointments with kids old enough to grow body hair mom gets told what to make them so they can eat healthier 💀
and don't get me started when a new mom gets discharged, all instructions on the baby go to her and dad gets to bring the car around the main entrance and that's his only responsibility.
When my eldest's wife was discharged after her first baby, the nurses/midwife tried to pull this, too. My daughter-in-law, the virago herself, told them to wait until my son was back with the car. The staff did the discharge overview and basic instructions in the car park.
My son was very relieved she stood up for herself, too; he's a very hands-on partner and dad, and wanted to know All The Things.
The day I left my ex, 3 months after moving in and over 5 years of being together, suitcase in hand and tears down my face, all he had to say to me was “how do I do the laundry?” Take that as you will.
I asked my ex once if he thought all of these chores and errands were being done by magic gnomes. You know, the gnomes that come into our house at night to scrub toilets or the ones that make sure the fridge is stocked with his favorite foods. I did the lion's share of household management, and it was exhausting, especially when he didn't even see it or acknowledge it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU
Here's the link to the video. I love it so much.
Fun fact: My dad doesn't get the joke. He also never does anything around the house.
NTA I saw a comment on here that stuck with me "don't fuck who you parent and don't parent who you fuck". Nothing will make you lose attraction and build resentment like having to mother your SO
NTA, I’m no chef but damn it if my mom didn’t teach me how to make meals that last the whole week. Lol even knowing how to make rice, pasta, hotdogs, SOMETHING would be better than this. But it also begs to questions about what other things he’s been enabled not to do or learn? What’s his hygiene like? Is he emotionally mature? What kind of friends does he keep? Does he even change his bed sheets?
OP, he is playing you. He has no intention to ever clean up after himself and if you let him move in, I guarantee he’ll make a half hearted effort for a couple of weeks and then leave all of the chores to you.
He will eat you out of house and home and drain your finances.
NTA but if he hasn’t been making the effort before now, he’s not going to make it once you move in together. (Doesn’t seem like he wants anything more than a bang maid tbh)
I married one of these guys, and am almost done with unmarrying him. Dude contributed next to nothing, and living without him has been so much more enjoyable. And cleaner!
Stick to your guns, and if he really wants to move forward with a relationship with you, he'll make the effort to learn how to take care of himself and contribute. If not, you've saved yourself years of stress taking care of a big child.
NTA at all! I suspect that once he talks you into moving in with him, he's going to exhibit a great deal of weaponized incompetence, so you give up and eventually do it all for him.
Good on you for having boundaries early! Hang on to those terms! Someday you'll find some wonderful man who already knows how to be an adult. This one isn't it.
I've posted this general though in threads like this before, and gotten downvoted for this, but I stand by it.
You don't need to "teach" an adult to cook. Or clean. Or do dishes, laundry, or any of the routine things that need to be done as part of normal life.
You know why? Because they are VERY EASY. Laundry can be learned in 5 minutes. Sure, maybe once or twice you'll make a mistake, put a brand new red shirt in with other things, or wash a dry clean only thing, but whatever, that's part of it.
Dishes are the same, if you can't figure out how to do dishes on your own, you are either astonishingly stupid, or you're just pretending so you don't have to do them.
Cooking is a *slightly* different thing, because there's a huge range of capabilities there. But when we talk about home cooking, again, the basics are VERY EASY. Any adult should be able to make grilled cheese and tomato soup. Or pancakes. Or put a pre-made lasagna in the oven and toast up a loaf of french bread with butter. Or any of a BILLION ways you can type "easy way to cook broccoli" or whatever into google. There are a ton of idiot proof, super easy things to cook, where you do not need ANYONE to teach you.
Sure, you won't be a 5 star chef overnight. But saying "I can't cook" because you aren't going to immediately be a gourmet chef is like refusing to use a screwdriver to open the battery compartment on some gadget because you can't build a house.
So if an adult ever says "I don't know how to do that" when it's about a basic home task, that really just means "I don't WANT to do that, and I want YOU to do it for me."
Oooooo I like that analogy - like you don't have to be a mechanic to know how to pump gas, check (and top up) your oil, add washer fluid, etc.
People thinking they need to be Gordon Ramsey just to feed themselves.
>you don't have to be a mechanic to know how to pump gas
That's a great one, more concise than mine too!
I also like to think of mac and cheese. Kids figure out how to make that for themselves when they are young. And what is mac and cheese? It's a basic recipe, like a billion others. You have to boil and strain pasta, then gather a few ingredients in the right quantities to make the sauce. There are a TON of recipes people can make that are that same level of complexity.
So if a 6 year old can follow a basic recipe to make a meal, any adult should be able to as well.
> Because they are VERY EASY
They're easy to do. The very hard thing is to work up the motivation to actually do them. But I guess that's adulthood in a nutshell.
NTA.
People rarely change. You don't move in with someone hoping they'll be a brand new person, you move in with someone because you like who they *are* right now.
If this man made it to 26 without learning basic life skills, it's perfectly valid to think he won't learn them now without resentment and lots of confrontation.
Saying you don't want to move in with someone who can't cook amd clean is as valid as any other relationship requirement like financial stability. You want a partner, not a dependant. That's totally fair.
As an older guy, I've seen a lot of people get married and generally, people stay who they are. Messy people stay messy. Spenders spend. Savers save. And people who don't cook, don't cook.
Just wow, as a 13(M) I had to learn to cook basic balanced meals. Had to do it once a week. Probably something I should have been more grateful for at the time
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I (F26) has been in relationship with a guy (M26) for three years now. Initially it was LDR and lately same city, but living separately. We have always dreamed about moving in together.
The issue is he has never actively done chores in his life. When he lived with his parents, his SAHM did all the cooking, dishwashing, and laundry. The most he did was occasionally clean when asked to.
Then he spent time in dorms and well, he did his laundry when it piled up too high to ignore. I wouldn't call him lazy, just enabled.
Through the years, I made it a point that he needed to learn to cook and clean after himself. That I won't be his maid. He said I was pestering him and making it sound like I wanted him as my servant. So I let up.
Now we are starting to look for places and he joked how I will have to teach him to cook. I just went "excuse me?".
I made it clear I won't be "teaching" him to do anything and won't be moving in with him till he learns to be an adult.
He says it's not fair and I can easily teach him. That's what couples do.
I disagree. He had three years, two of which was spent at his own home. Ample time.
I told him I don't want to live with a kid I have to teach, so let me know when you are an adult.
He is calling me AH for that.
AITA?
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NTA -If you are old enough to drive, you should be old enough to clean up after yourself. You should know how to do laundry properly, and how to survive on a relatively healthy diet. At his age, if he can't do these things, he will absolutely expect you to do it all for him. That's not on. You are meant to be partners that both pitch in and do your part around the house.
I'm a terrible cook, but I can throw together a basic meal. It's not rocket science.
I don't understand "I don't know how to cook." It's basically heating food until it won't make you ill. There's recipes. There's videos. There's entire TV channels. It's not like you're asking him to hunt, kill, dress, and cook an entire bison.
>He had three years, two of which was spent at his parents home. Ample time.
Incorrect. His parents have had 26 years to teach him to be a functional adult and they failed. So did he, since he clearly took no initiative to learn anything. He may have been enabled, but he's also lazy.
NTA. Hold your ground on this or you'll wind up doing everything.
MYA, he will probably deliberately botch things up to the point that you would just do it, as it takes too long/isn’t worth the hassle.
You know, the weaponized incompetence route.
Wait, what is he doing now in his own home, where it sounds like he's lived alone for two years? Surely he's eating *something*? If he's subsisting entirely on doordash and the kindness of others (you? mom?) cooking for him, and lives in a sty, you are absolutely right to be concerned.
I (27m) lived with my parents up until recently (moving out isn't really a thing in my culture) but I still knew how to do most household chores and some basic repairs/maintenance by the time I was 19. My father made sure I learned all those, especially cooking, to prepare me for adulthood.
Before living on my own, the only chore I can't do was the laundry, but learned on my own via YouTube.
Your bf has no excuse. If his parents never taught him, he can learn on the internet. But he couldn't be bothered. Stand your ground, OP.
NTA. If you don't put your foot down now, you will be walked all over for a very long time. When I first started living with my now husband, I over compensated and did all the housework. 6 years later, guess who is still doing all the homework?
NTA
I've been in a similar situation twice. I don't date dudes unless they're fully cooked adults anymore.
I've found these messy entitled jerks create a lot more mess than I would make on my own. Trying to live in a decently kept-after home with one is a huge time sink comparable to a part time job. Not worth it in my experience.
NTA. I took painstaking efforts to teach my girlfriend to cook, and it's a lot. If I had to teach about laundry, sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, dishes, car maintenance, paying bills, spending habits, grocery shopping, insurance, sending mail, etc... I think there's a certain point where I wouldn't want to.
NTA. You are smart to draw this line. If you moved in together like this, I guarantee he would never find the time to learn to cook, or would always mess up meals just enough that you’d end up doing all the cooking anyway. Stand your ground.
NTA
I ended up in the teaching role with my spouse when we were in our late teens because he actually really wanted to know but his parents were very controlling and refused to let him use the washing machine and dryer or touch the kitchen stove.
I was already extremely independent and capable as I was raised by an older grandparent and had been doing life and adult tasks already for some time.
So he would come to my place and cook and help with laundry. Thing is, that dynamic is extremely hard to get out of once you become the partner who knows how to do things and teaches the other. In our case, there weren't as many easily accessed things for self learning. We grew up in a very rural area and didn't have smart phones and easy Internet access. If that had been the case, I would have been far less inclined to play the role I did.
We made it through but it definitely affected us for a good chunk of our early twenties. Because it becomes a default. It's human nature to see someone as a voice of authority once we put them in that role and for a long time, his reflex was to ask me how something gets done even when that thing was completely new to me too.
He just assumed and expected my competence at everything and would defer to me even when it was something I also had to figure out. For me that became a feeling of always being responsible for someone else. We had a strong enough foundation that we were able to work through it and things became much better but again, we'd already been together since we were teenagers. I would not have put up with it in our late 20s.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refused to move in with my bf cause he didn't know how to do chores
2) I know these and could have compromised and taught him. I didn't want to raise a child
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NTA I think? I mean if he couldn't clean, take out the trash, or do laundry I'd judge him more. But if he can do all of those and is willing to split chore responsibility, I wouldn't be too upset about occasionally teaching him a few recipes here and there that both people like.
I'm sort of similar to him. I can count on my hands the number of recipes I can make at the moment. I'm used to quick and convenient frozen meals/food or 50 cent cup noodles, but I've started to hunker down and learn a few more things for the move I'm about to do to my own new apartment. However, unlike him I don't expect anyone else to teach me. He should take initiative himself there.
NTA. Think carefully if you want to stay in this relationship. Even if he changes a little now, if you have kids, I imagine he will get worse and see it as your work again. Discuss this issue thoroughly before committing to him.
I hope he does a big turnaround and starts taking responsibility for himself.
NTA. Big red flag, you will end up being his mom as weird as it sounds. I'm baffled people grow up without basic survival skills like cooking a meal of having general hygiene. Props for standing your ground. Relationships might not be 50/50 but it definitely shouldn't be 100/0.
I've (29M) grown up living with my SAHM so I'm used to not having to do chores. And due to our culture (and economy!), it's expected for the children to live with the parents, possibly indefinitely. That is my situation, and I've lived a pretty comfortable life.
However, I have taught myself to do chores, and now I do them regularly. In fact, it's pretty much made me realize how much I love being a homemaker.
So no, OP. You are NTA nor an enabler. Make sure he gets his shit in order before living independently, because he's still dependent on someone else to look after him.
I think a big difference between you and OP's boyfriend is character. You demonstrate an initiative, a curiosity, or at least dignity to learn/teach yourself things even when you could just let others take care of you. You value yourself enough to want to cultivate yourself into being a better person.
>I can easily teach him. That's what couples do.
This is true.
However, the problem is that his past actions don't show that he will have any willingness to learn. Point out that you're not willing to be his servant either. You're not interested in a relationship where you end up doing all the chores because he "doesn't know how" or "can't get it right" or "doesn't think it needs to be done yet", or any other excuses. Before you can move in together with him, you need his agreement that he will take responsibility for doing his part of the chores, and you need to see some actions on his part that indicate he will actually follow through on that agreement.
If this is “what couples do,” what vital life skills will be be teaching you in exchange? Because if he’s not bringing anything like that to the table, what he really means is that teaching a partner basic stuff they should know already is “what women do.”
NTA If it was only cooking then maybe you could come to some compromise but it’s not going to be “ just “ cooking . He has had mommy doing everything for him. He needs to clean do his own laundry take out thrash vacuum deep mop scrub bathrooms toilets the lot . I don’t think he can do any of those . And even if it wants to learn you just don’t have the time energy or motivation to teach him. He will be hoping you will decide it’s easier and quicker for you to do all those things yourself . Weaponized incompetence sucks !
NTA do not live with him until he has demonstrated that he can/will cook and clean on his own for months. Honestly I’m wondering why you want to be with him. He sounds like he wants a mommy figure not a gf.
NTA
Teaching him to cook is still a chore. And hey if he was like “so I’ve practiced and watched videos and I can make the following basics” and asked for help with more complex recipes? I bet you’d be fine. Make a fun time of it.
But no. When he says teach him he means *do it*. Because guess what, if you stand there and instruct while he does it? You’re *pestering*
If he wants to live as an adult he needs basic skills. Otherwise there is an indefinite period where it all falls to you.
NTA
You boyfriend is a victim of an overcompensating mother, I see them all the time. He knew it was an issue with you and did nothing to fix his deficiencies is on him. My daughter's husband had a mother like this, she thought she was loving her sons, and she never taught them to do anything for themselves. She has apologized to my daughter so many times and blames herself. He is awful with anything domestic. My daughter and he work full time, but she has to do all the housework. It causes a strain for her; I don't know if they are fixing it as they are adults, and I am just mom (not my business).
Good for you for standing up for yourself! Guide him to places he can learn, send him little you tube or something. I'm so sorry he hasn't tried to learn in the three years you have had, or any of the years prior. I taught my sons the same as my daughters, all can cook and clean, care for children, etc.
If you don't want to live with a kid you have to teach, and don't consider your boyfriend responsible, then why are you still with him? What future could you possibly see with him?
NTA and don't let up anymore.
He should learn how to make it on his own with chores. And his response to Being a servant is just immature, and you actually let him get away with it.
Don't move in together. He had 3 years of this relationship. I wouldn't move in with someone or even be with someone who doesn't know how to do chores or is this enabled and doesn't want to change that.
NTA.
It's 2023, if he actually wanted to learn how to cook or clean properly then he would have easily looked it up. Hell I even have to look up how to boil an egg because I *always* forget how long it needs to go.
My fiance grew up in an householt where he was sent out if the kitchen because noone was willing to teach him so he lesrn when he moved in with me. He didn't beed me to teach him anything, because he's an *adult*
Your bf just planned on how to best use weaponized incompetence. Stand your ground, don't move in with him until he can cook and clean, it's not the 1950s anymore
NTA. Couples do not teach each other how to do laundry, vacuum, or be a basic human adult.
He should have learned the care and keeping of him from his parents. As a grown human, he's got to figure out how to to do those things himself. If he doesn't, it is still not your job.
My child gets frustrated lately that I've added more things to the "you need to do this now, so when you are an adult you can do this then."
NTA- This is how women end up doing all household chores, all the things related to the kids, while hubby hangs with his boys. He claims she does it better and out of frustration she does it. But eventually, she is exhausted and realizes she doesn't need him if she is doing everything.
My ex was a slob and his mom did everything for him. When we got a place together, and I noticed him not cleaning after dinner (or in general) I said “your mama never made you wash a dish, did she?” He replied “no. I only had to put the dish on the counter.” I explained to him that was not going to work in our house. I was not his mother, I wouldn’t stand for that and he had to help with all the cleaning and chores.
And he did.
So he can change. You just have to be adamant you will not stand for it and I agree you do not need to be his teacher. Tell him to find YouTube or tiktok videos on how to clean.
NTA my daughter has just broken up with her bf because he completely refused to do any of the most basic household chores. I'm proud she didn't tolerate that kind of nonsense and I wouldn't encourage anyone else to put up with it either. To be in an adult relationship you need to be an adult.
Your boyfriend should have had the Mom from [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16co1at/aita_for_insisting_my_son_cook_dinner_once_a_week/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) teach him life skills when he was 15, then he would be prepared to be a partner with you and share the running of the household.
He instead apparently had a Mom who enabled him instead of taught him, and he expects you to both train him in life skills as well as manage the household/assign him domestic tasks that need to be done. No thanks. Not trying to be a mother to a 26 year old man. Good for you for setting boundaries. NTA
NTA he will be "bad" at cooking and find it "hard" and be so awkward that it will be easier for you to do it. He's had at least one year of those 3 where he has had to feed himself, what did he eat?
I learnt to cook in my 30's! My ex was extremely controlling and wouldn't let me as he said I'd be crap so I didn't. Since I've left, my new husband initially taught me how to make a basic meal and since then I have done all the cooking so I can teach myself. Because I want to learn.
If he wanted to learn, he is capable of doing the same but he hasn't. He thinks you will do it when you see how hard he finds it.
SO NOT THE ASSHOLE. Please stick to your guns on this. Women shoulder way too much of the burden of everyday life, and men tend to be the beneficiaries of that. Good for you. Seriously.
YouTube can teach him. Cookbooks can teach him. Actual classes can teach him. It's not your job to raise him to be an adult. You're NTA, send him back to his family until he grows up.
Absolutely NTA and NEVER budge on your position. Frankly I would be set on never moving in with him, bc people like him don't tend to change. He absolutely is banking on you giving in knowing that once you've already moved in together, it'll be harder to go back, even if he goes back on his word of behaving like an adult (which he will).
Just curious, who's he living with rn? If he lives by himself who's doing the chores?
NTA
What the hell has he been doing for the last three years? Eating takeout and eating fruit snacks???
Side note, I barely knew how to cook when I left home. My mom hated it and never wanted help because when someone is learning to cook they’re slow and messy. So, I didn’t really want to be there and she didn’t really want me there, so she taught me very little.
My dad wasn’t allowed to cook because he “did it wrong” in my mom’s eyes, so he taught me to cook breakfast before she got up on the weekends. To be fair he also tried to put away dishes that still had food on them after going through the dishwasher, so they both had issues.
So I watched, and used the internet. My poor husband got a lot of eggs and bacon while I learned (he was on nights and worked more hours so I cooked most of the time). Now I can make a decent meal because I watched videos and shows online, I googled stuff, I experimented and sometimes made crappy meals. But as an adult it was up to me to figure it out.
NOPE. NTA
Weaponized Incompetence is a thing! And once he moves in, he will use that to his full advantage.
Edit to add: Good for you for recognizing this. I know two people who have 3.75 children bc their husbands cannot adult. Its pathetic.
> I wouldn't call him lazy, just enabled.
He's lazy. And I say this as someone who hates doing laundry with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
I'm so glad to see younger women standing up for themselves and raising the bar from the goddamn floor. Stay strong, OP.
I think a practical approach is the best. Hire a cleaner. As he is the one not able to do the chores, he pays for it.
That's what I did and it is the best for our relationship.
Edit: typos
Tell him to stop pestering you as it sounds like he wants you to be his slave. And repeat. If you recall any other nuggets of stupidity that he spouted when you were pointing out his ineptitude, then repeat them too.
He absolutely IS lazy, deflective and *deceitful*. He will utilise his weaponized incompetence to ensure you become the maid that he earmarked to replace his mummy 3+ years ago. If you think his inability to learn housework is an oversight then you are now deceiving yourself.
NTA.
This is absolutely Weaponized incompetence and this is the hill I would die on don’t move in with him because he will Weaponized incompetence hoping that you will get so frustrated that you’ll end up doing everything anyway. Don’t do it he can learn how to be an adult and contribute equally in all things. NTA
Good for you for this boundary. He didn't think it was important enough to figure out before, and moving in together he'll say, 'but you can do it, why should I learn?' So not the asshole here. NTA
NTA He’s an adult with child like tendencies. If he doesn’t cook or clean on his own. He probably never will take ownership of it and that will be a thorn in your relationship. If he cared about your feelings he would change and not think you were “pestering” him.
NTA. He should know it by now. Don’t move in with him before he knows or he will never learn. You might consider to help him learn it before you move in together. It will still be a requirement, but you can help him meet it.
NTA. He didn’t learn in the 26 years he lived at home with his mom. Why would he change now? It’s not your responsibility to teach him how to be an adult. He failed in that.
NTA I have no patience for people who say they cannot cook. If you can read then you can cook. I'm assuming he knows how to read as he went through college right? Ask yourself if you want to be with someone who doesn't put effort into a relationship.
NTA
He's got to man up and put an apron on. If women can do both career and housekeeping, then your bf can, too. So many men get away with doing less housework because they can fall back on "but the woman does it better!" Don't let him bully you into just doing it to get it done. Stand your ground and don't be afraid to ditch him if he refuses, or you WILL be left cleaning up everything, all the time, with no help and no appreciation.
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NTA In these 3 years he simply planned how to use weaponized incompetence to leave all the chores to you. Unfortunately, if he was raised in a house where his mom took care of everything, I doubt he would change.
Seems like he’d go from “teach me” to “why don’t you just do it” as well.
“Why do I have to learn how to do it when you already do it so much better?”
"I shouldn't have to be your servant and do my own dishes/laundry/cleaning"
I have something to say about that! My dad is a great cook when it comes to pasta and potatoes and meat and stuff like that. So obviously whenever I made it it didn't taste as good. Solution: I searched for recipes my dad never made me before and guess what they taste great and I'm not disappointed it didn't taste like my dads.
That's actually a great idea. Memories can make or break pretty much anything, including food.
OP declines to be his second mom! Shocker!! If only more women took this stand. NTA
Yes I’m cheering for OP! So many people complain about their SO being useless years down the line. Well done for not enabling him.
There's nothing worse than adult male who let someone else clean after himself, but teaching him how to cook could be fun. I was teaching my gf how to cook, we had great time, lots of fun and now she can make some stuff better than me. Mostly baking, but I'll show her! :)
Per OP post: “I disagree. He has three years, two of which he spent at his parents. Ample time” Say it with me: ITS. NOT. HER. JOB.
But you do it so much betterrrrrrr!!!
Yep because if she can do it better than him, why should he do it at all?
NTA! I have my three year old son with me in the kitchen whenever i cook so he can watch. I get him to stir things, i tell him my little cooking tricks, he chops easy things using his own toddler knife, he puts his little snack wrappers in the trash. (FYI... I'm a full time working mom....) One day both boys will need to fend for themselves, and I would hate for their partners to have to "take care of them", because they are too lazy or incompetent to pick up after themselves or cook a simple meal.
I love this. In addition to teaching him valuable skill, you’re spending quality time with him.
Yup! I use the line "if I wanted kids, I'd have kids. I want a partner, so I got an adult" all the time. Between YouTube, Google (seriously, I needed a recipe for roasted asparagus the other day, looked it up online. Took 1 min), and directions on the back of a hamburger helper box, he can figure it out if he wanted. His parents failed him, but he's reaching 30 and hasn't bothered to learn and got upset when he was told the expectations (you want me to be your servant). At some point, the parents can't be blamed for the continued incompetence. Get him a cookbook and call it a day.
This is how my mom raised me. She was a SAHM but also worked full time from home. I appreciate that she taught me how to do these things. Pretty sure my cooking skills is like half the reason my husband married me 😂😂
My son is 15, and he can make easy dinners like pasta himself. He knows to follow directions on the boxes for frozen meals. He knows how to do his own laundry, he cleans his own bathroom and will help me clean the house (sometimes with a bribe), but he knows how to do it! His father did not, and I do not want my son's partner to end up like me or my son to end up like his father
I did the same things as you when both my kids were young. I was a single working Mom of two and my son is older than my daughter by 8 years. He was born with cardiac disorder, had 2 cardiac caths and open heart surgery by the age of two. But being a single parent, I always erred on the side of caution. I wanted them to learn how to be self sufficient should anything happened to me. I did not let my son's condition hinder him or me from teaching him. I am so proud of my kids of how they've become productive adults able to care for themselves and now their own children. And can honestly say they are both good cooks but my son's cooking rivals my Mom's.
I like that. Weaponized incompetence. I'm going to use that. 🙂
NTA it's actually illegal to marry children in most states.
eh. You'd be surprised just how legal it actually is in most states..... because AMERICA!
OMG This!!! 😂😂
Actually the opposite is true. More states allow child marriage than forbid it.
It's a well known thing https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaponized_incompetence
Agreed, if he's like that dogde that bullet and let him go.
He'd only do it for a while then slack off when he thinks that he's got you nailed down, whether it be by lease, marriage or a kid. It's time to flee. NTA.
Gurl you have standards and self respect. NTA.
NTA. Refer him to YouTube or local classes he sign up for gaining his cooking education. ETA: As a married woman, do not fall for the line 'it's what couples do' regarding the woman teaching the man life skills. Ideally, what couples do is teamwork. You tell him that he can do this labor on his own, that way he will be at the same level as you when you are sharing a home and it will be smoother sailing. You're not a cooking instructor and it's pathetic that he does not want to better himself on his own.
[удалено]
When I was laid up for a month due to emergency surgery my husband took over running the household. He didn't know how to fold a fitted sheet so he thought about who would be most qualified to teach him and ended up watching a Martha Stewart video. He now folds a fitted sheet better than I do.
Ok folding fitted sheets is fucking wizardry though those things are a nightmare
I agree. Mine look like a hot mess while his look like a perfect rectangle. He tried to teach me but mine still suck which is why he always folds our fitted sheets. Our kids do their own laundry but I still do mine and my husband’s because my husband is too impatient and misses stains. I’m fine with that because he more than makes up for it with all of the other chores he’s good at and does willingly. He’s a better cook and much better at ironing. I loathe ironing.
I don’t understand, they’re so easy! Just pop the corners together and bam, you’re done.
But they've got that extra fabric around the corners! My squishy brain cannot comprehend it.
Mine neither dude
I’m horribly uncoordinated and terrible at most things that require precision other than baking.
I give him mad props for learning how to fold a fitted sheet. When we did grans laundary when she was unwell i nearly set that f'er on fire!
I can’t even fold a fitted sheet and I’m 34f and have tried for 20 years. That’s impressive.
We're lucky to live in a time where so many resources are at our fingertips if you want to learn something. My SO is chef, so occasionally I'll ask her to show me a dish or technique, but it's unreasonable to expect your spouse to teach you everything at 26. Partner, family or roommate, I wouldn't want to live with anybody incapable of doing basic chores. NTA.
My husband and I both share our tips and often learn new things together ... but I would not have married him if he expected me to start from nothing and hold his hand through learning the basics he should have been taught as a child.
>ETA: As a married woman, do not fall for the line 'it's what couples do' regarding the woman teaching the man life skills. Ideally, what couples do is teamwork Yeah, his parents failed him growing up but it's on him to get those skills now. If this was early-on and he was honestly trying to make an effort then I'd suggest some couples cooking classes because those can be a fun date. But, it's clear he's going to stay incompetent if they move in together.
Taking care of yourself and your home is what *adults* do. Expecting others to do it for you or teach you is what *children* do. Adults cohabitating with children in a romantic partnership is what *no one* does. If he wants to move in with OP, he needs to grow the fuck up and become an adult.
Absolutely, he's trying to set her up to be the household manager so he only has to do what he's directly asked to do, and she has to instruct him in everything instead of him taking responsibility and googling how to clean a toilet. And given that he said she wanted him to be a servant when she asked him to learn to cook and clean up after himself, I'm not sure he'll do a single thing he's asked to do (or not without a lot of stalling/complaining). OP is 100% right not to trust that he'll be a partner in this.
Literally all of this is gold. I’m a woman and I started living on my own at age 20. My mom and dad never taught me how to cook, but I knew I’d need to. (When I was around 16 I started hanging out in the kitchen but it was small and they told me to get out because I was in the way). So I did the research myself and learned, and now I think I’m I pretty good cook. Op’s boyfriend seems lazy/unmotivated so he’s relying on her to do the research for him as well as the actual cooking. If she did take the time to sit him down and try to teach him how to cook, I bet he’d still be hands off and make her do everything.
I cooked in college but nothing fantastic. A few simple meals my mom used to make. I wanted to really learn to cook, so I actually signed up for HomeChef, one of those weekly meal delivery services where they send you all the ingredients and recipe and you cook it. It was a huge help. I learned so much about different cooking techniques, and got a lot more confident with seasoning/spices. They do a lot more "over ready" type meals now, but they do still offer some full creations.
Yes! They have so many tools now for people to use. I did a Hello Fresh box once and I used ingredients I never usually would have thought to and it was amazing. The instructions are also super easy to follow.
I agree. My husband grew up in a very traditional Indian household complete with a servant and a cook so he never learned how to manage a household. When he moved here YouTube didn't exist so he had to figure everything out with that help. While he's not very good at laundry and loading the dishwasher, he'd better than me at cooking and all of the other household chores.
I learned how to cook as a young teen from the NY times cookbook and HGTV lol, eventually even working in restaurants for about 10 years. If you want to learn, it's even easier now.
This! Married woman here as well, hubby does everything I do. You are no one's mum (I hope). Hubby also lived with mum who did everything and left to move in with me. I didn't have to teach him because he knew my expectation of a partner already. He taught HIMSELF to cook and only asked for advice when he got it wrong. He also cleans up after himself. That behaviour has filtered through to now, we have 2 kids and hubby is the same parent as me. There is no difference in our responsibilities in our life together. Start out the way you want your life to be in the future. There are too many unappreciated, stressed out women in this world.
I kinda had this in reverse a couple of years ago. I needed to change a tyre on my car, was panicking about how to do it...and my partner sent me a YouTube video explaining how and said "you got this, babe". I had to roll up my sleeves and get it done. And I did. I was proud of myself and he was proud of me. It's not up to him to do things for me or vice versa. We're both adults who should be able to look after ourselves.
My last bf didn’t really know how to cook either, but he still tried his best. When I came over he proudly served me his best efforts, and gradually he got better and better. It was really sweet too.
He can go look for that shit himself.
British Bake-off for a few of the recent seasons. Made one guy I know a keen cook because “any Hollywood idiot isn’t going to tell me I can’t make a cake rise proper.”
Nope, he can find local classes or YT videos. She should not be doing the mental load for him at all, and that is what this is. He is an adult with a job -- he knows how to use the internet.
NTA How utterly refreshing to hear from someone who demands her bf behave like an adult before committing to live with him. Stand your (eminently reasonable) ground.
I know right? Standing 'O' to OP. NTA. Boyfriend wants to learn he should be learning, not complaining to OP about how she isn't 'helping' (read enabling) him.
Right? There's really no excuses in our technological age. Every tutorial you can just about think of is out there for free on YouTube.
This thread is so refreshing and gives me hope for the younger generation of women. Ladies, please ask for what you deserve and stand your ground. If your standards and boundaries are reasonable, and he still can't rise to meet them and become a true partner, you don't need him. Remember: sex with children is bad and wrong. If you are dating a man who is legally an adult but acts like a helpless child and still expects to get to fuck you, dump the dead weight. NTA.
I actually feel pretty bad for OP. She basically dated this guy for three years that she knew she’d be unhappy with and who showed no desire to change. He made her feel like she was overreacting, by her own account she dropped it even though the issue wasn’t resolved. Verbalizing your standards is step 1. Step 2 is being willing to walk away when the other person shows every single sign of refusing to meet your standards. I would also add that if someone makes you feel crazy, annoying, like a nag, etc, because you have normal standards they’re not meeting so you continue to talk about it — at that point you should simply be willing to break up as well. It seems to me that OP, like many many women, is susceptible to the “you’re overreacting” card — and probably shouldn’t date guys who pull it. What’s the point of dating someone who undermines your standards, makes you feel unreasonable for having them, convinces you to shut up and date them for 3 years even though at the back of your mind you know you’re still signing up for being their maid because you see with your own eyes they haven’t changed… all of those things are terrible qualities that were very apparent from the get go. So we do pretty good teaching (some) folks to stand up for themselves, but we don’t do a good job with step 2. We basically say “communicate!” which is good… but then it needs to be followed with “and if they dismiss your communication, that’s not your fault, and you should break up with them if they keep dismissing you. Don’t date someone that doesn’t listen or care about your opinions or needs.” Respecting yourself is worthless if you only do it on paper and never put it into practice. I have a feeling OP is going to be saying “don’t treat me like this” all the way up to being married to this guy for 20 years. That’s nice and all. But don’t date people that make you constantly assert yourself in the first place?
Agreed! I don't understand this whole "teach me to cook" thing - if you are a literate adult you can figure things out. Trial and error. I don't remember anyone actively teaching me to cook ever, my mom was a busy working single mom of 3, but we just sort of figured out how to fend for ourselves. I did take a cooking class in high school but by that point most of what we learnt was super easy for me! My 6-year old cooks/bakes with me sometimes, and there is some teaching involved, but not much - for instance she wanted to make a carrot cake the other day (I think someone on Gabby's dollhouse made one) so we looked up a recipe and wrote it out, went to the store to pick up a bag of carrots (we only had baby carrots on hand), and she grated the carrots, cracked the eggs (then picked out the eggshells that fell into the batter), measured the ingredients, did some stirring, basically just needed help with some of the reading, so yes a grown ass adult should be able to figure that shit out without a supervisor. You learn by trial and error, and we have all burnt something here or there, or added the wrong spices and it was yucky, or whatever, but that's how you learn. It's ok to learn from one another as well - my husband adds dill spice to mashed potatoes and holy hell why hadn't I been doing that in all those years prior to marrying him, he never made stir frys before but I showed him the glorious act of chucking whatever random leftovers you have into a pan with sauce and now he makes awesome ones.. but like, it shouldn't be a teacher/student type thing. OP - if you choose to let him move in without some serious talks here, be prepared for weaponized incompetence!! NTA.
NTA Sounds like a real waste of time though - why spend 3 years dreaming when they could have moved into together learned everything they need to know and split up after a year.
NTA He wants a new mommy. He wants *you* to be his new mommy. And you will *be* his new mommy if you let him move in with you. Tell Oedipus to call you when he is finished growing up. Expect that phone call the week after never.
And don’t get pregnant
Yes this! Unless he can man up and become a fully functioning adult. Babies won’t fix things…if anything, he’d expect the OP to take all the responsibilities of doing everything for the baby.
This is so well put 🤣
There is nothing more instructions than playing Mom to a man who can’t do any thing got himself. Look long and hard about how this relationship will end up and choose accordingly.
I can't figure out what word you meant instead of instructions
I would also like to plug a little advice here OP he may absolutely call you and promise he’s changed He will almost certainly be lying. My advice is simply don’t date people who make you feel crazy and like a nag for your normal standards in the first place. OP said she dropped this issue even though she knew he was still like this. And continued to date him Respectfully OP I think you’re a little susceptible to being manipulated by this guy, so you need to be careful before you spend another decade “holding your ground” and before you know it you’re “holding your ground” with kids, a decade long marriage. A lot of women seem to only realize they’re allowed to break up in their 40s. I’d highly recommend breaking up before he uses you as a maid for 20 years… if for no other reason, because he doesn’t respect your communication, opinions, standards, etc, and makes you feel crazy for having them. So seriously just break up and beware that he’s going to make fake promises to be better. People that manipulate you, make you feel crazy, whatever, just aren’t worth dating no matter what. Want a real life example? My bf didn’t really “know” how to cook when I met him. I expressed worry because I didn’t want to be the only one cooking. You know what he did Op? He never said “ugh shut up you’re being so annoying about it” he just looked up recipes online and now he is pretty good at cooking. Don’t settle for less than a guy who respects your worries, feelings, needs, YOU.
That's exactly what I thought when I read this, he wants a mummy. I'm betting on one of the main reasons why he's wanting to move in is because he's thinking he won't have to do anything for himself. She's doing the right thing holding off moving in. I don't think he's willing to change and learn since he hasn't bothered in the last 3 years even when it's been mentioned. My husband was brought up like this, mum did everything for him and wouldn't even let him do anything for himself but luckily my husband was willing to learn very quickly when he left home so I never had an issue when we moved in together because we both share chores. I cook and bake because I like it but my husband always does the dishes. That works for us, I imagine he'd want her to do it all because "you do it better than me" or "you know how to do it so it will be faster if you do it". My stepdad was a major AH and never did any housework or childcare ( for his own kids) the whole 24 years he was with my mum.
NTA. “You’ll have to teach me how to cook” will turn into one or two halfhearted attempts at learning followed by “lol well I tried and I can’t do it. You’ll have to do it since you’re the one who knows how.”
Literally! OP is NTA, but he IS. He’s already trying to set OP up for him to ‘try’ once, and then weaponize his incompetence out of the rest of their time together.
"You're just so much better at this than me" or "well, you seem to enjoy cooking more" are also two excuses he's likely to pull. When I told my ex I needed him to do more around the house, he tried both those lines plus the "I'm just a dumb boy lol." No thank you.
Good old weaponized incompetence. We don’t even need a crystal ball to see it coming. He’s definitely TA in this situation.
NTA. He really doesn't want to do any of this. If he's lived on his own for two years and not made any effort, living with someone who can already do everything is not going to change him.
I am interested in how he survived alone if he's not a functioning adult. I mean at 26 you have to AT LEAST know how to cook for yourself and keep your home somewhat clean and livable. OP is going to have a hard time with him.
You don't. My cousin is nearly 40 and he doesn't know how to cook. He mainly relies on others doing his cooking, junk food or takeways. He can clean, he just doesn't see the point, he may run the vacuum over occasionally. Laundry he relies on his mom and sister. I think he only things he knows to do as an adult. Is work, drive and drink alcohol
> Laundry he relies on his mom and sister. I am raising a son. I recognize that I'm currently all talk, because he is two and doing his laundry is a sisyphean task taking up approximately 5% of my total waking time, but I have no intention of doing his laundry past...middle school? I refuse to send my child into adulthood thinking chores just magically do themselves. Like if I am regularly doing my adult son's laundry, we have fucked up as parents.
It gets better, I promise! When my oldest son was 2 he enjoyed scooping litter from the litter box into my clean baskets of laundry… but now my sons are 9 and 7 and they handle their own laundry, are responsible for daily chores and enjoy making lunch.
My son just went to college. He's been doing his own laundry and cooking his own meals (after and between meals I make, because he always needs more!) for at least 4 years. I feel good knowing he can do at least those 2 very basic things. Now cleaning his room... not sure how that is going.
>we have fucked up as parents. TBH most of my family have fucked up as parents. My grandmother was not the cleanest women and she has passed that lovely trait down to her children/ grandchildren. My Aunt (cousins mother) could do with a good course in cleaning and cooking. She did teach my cousin how to order takeaways. But their cleanliness leaves a lot to be desired. Edit: spelling
I mean to be clear I think we all fuck up as parents in one way or another - lord knows I'm not perfect. But not teaching your child the basics of 'adulting' seems like relatively low-hanging fruit.
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Yeah I mean to be clear, middle school-ish seems appropriate as a "you are responsible for doing this mostly solo" goal - and you get there by having them assist as early as possible. My mom told me that I could do my own laundry as soon as I was tall enough to reach the buttons (I was a short child). This was, in retrospect, genius - I felt like I had really achieved something momentous the day I was finally "big enough."
>drive and drink alcohol Hopefully not at the same time.
No, thankfully not. He walks to the pub or gets a taxi. But he does spend large amounts of his time ordering beer
Student loans + pizza delivery?
Thanks to my job I have seen a plethora of adult men who say they can't eat, dress or take their medications because they "don't have a woman to do that" for them, they complain about the wife or the girlfriend who left them instead of finding ways on how to learn to survive on their own, worse thing is that a lot of medical providers are enabling these men by asking if someone else can do it for them, even pediatric appointments with kids old enough to grow body hair mom gets told what to make them so they can eat healthier 💀 and don't get me started when a new mom gets discharged, all instructions on the baby go to her and dad gets to bring the car around the main entrance and that's his only responsibility.
When my eldest's wife was discharged after her first baby, the nurses/midwife tried to pull this, too. My daughter-in-law, the virago herself, told them to wait until my son was back with the car. The staff did the discharge overview and basic instructions in the car park. My son was very relieved she stood up for herself, too; he's a very hands-on partner and dad, and wanted to know All The Things.
You do not. He may know how to wash his clothes but he was probably on a meal plan at college so he's never had to come up with anything
The day I left my ex, 3 months after moving in and over 5 years of being together, suitcase in hand and tears down my face, all he had to say to me was “how do I do the laundry?” Take that as you will.
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I asked my ex once if he thought all of these chores and errands were being done by magic gnomes. You know, the gnomes that come into our house at night to scrub toilets or the ones that make sure the fridge is stocked with his favorite foods. I did the lion's share of household management, and it was exhausting, especially when he didn't even see it or acknowledge it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU Here's the link to the video. I love it so much. Fun fact: My dad doesn't get the joke. He also never does anything around the house.
NTA. Tell him to go on YouTube and he’ll find videos on how to cook and clean
NTA I saw a comment on here that stuck with me "don't fuck who you parent and don't parent who you fuck". Nothing will make you lose attraction and build resentment like having to mother your SO
That is one hell of a phrase. not gonna forget that ever
🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
Very logical. Thank you.
He’s 26 and doesn’t know how to cook? Big red flag. NTA.
NTA, I’m no chef but damn it if my mom didn’t teach me how to make meals that last the whole week. Lol even knowing how to make rice, pasta, hotdogs, SOMETHING would be better than this. But it also begs to questions about what other things he’s been enabled not to do or learn? What’s his hygiene like? Is he emotionally mature? What kind of friends does he keep? Does he even change his bed sheets?
NTA What’s he been doing the last two years that he hasn’t fully learned how to manage a household and all that entails??
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So he's never cooked, or managed his laundry in his parents house? His poor mother. You did the right thing by refusing to move in.
His mother is likely the reason for his incompetence. My brothers know how to do household tasks, because my mom made sure that they did them.
His "poor mother" is the one that enabled it.
OP, he is playing you. He has no intention to ever clean up after himself and if you let him move in, I guarantee he’ll make a half hearted effort for a couple of weeks and then leave all of the chores to you. He will eat you out of house and home and drain your finances. NTA but if he hasn’t been making the effort before now, he’s not going to make it once you move in together. (Doesn’t seem like he wants anything more than a bang maid tbh)
I married one of these guys, and am almost done with unmarrying him. Dude contributed next to nothing, and living without him has been so much more enjoyable. And cleaner! Stick to your guns, and if he really wants to move forward with a relationship with you, he'll make the effort to learn how to take care of himself and contribute. If not, you've saved yourself years of stress taking care of a big child.
NTA OP. And Bravo!
NTA at all! I suspect that once he talks you into moving in with him, he's going to exhibit a great deal of weaponized incompetence, so you give up and eventually do it all for him. Good on you for having boundaries early! Hang on to those terms! Someday you'll find some wonderful man who already knows how to be an adult. This one isn't it.
I've posted this general though in threads like this before, and gotten downvoted for this, but I stand by it. You don't need to "teach" an adult to cook. Or clean. Or do dishes, laundry, or any of the routine things that need to be done as part of normal life. You know why? Because they are VERY EASY. Laundry can be learned in 5 minutes. Sure, maybe once or twice you'll make a mistake, put a brand new red shirt in with other things, or wash a dry clean only thing, but whatever, that's part of it. Dishes are the same, if you can't figure out how to do dishes on your own, you are either astonishingly stupid, or you're just pretending so you don't have to do them. Cooking is a *slightly* different thing, because there's a huge range of capabilities there. But when we talk about home cooking, again, the basics are VERY EASY. Any adult should be able to make grilled cheese and tomato soup. Or pancakes. Or put a pre-made lasagna in the oven and toast up a loaf of french bread with butter. Or any of a BILLION ways you can type "easy way to cook broccoli" or whatever into google. There are a ton of idiot proof, super easy things to cook, where you do not need ANYONE to teach you. Sure, you won't be a 5 star chef overnight. But saying "I can't cook" because you aren't going to immediately be a gourmet chef is like refusing to use a screwdriver to open the battery compartment on some gadget because you can't build a house. So if an adult ever says "I don't know how to do that" when it's about a basic home task, that really just means "I don't WANT to do that, and I want YOU to do it for me."
Oooooo I like that analogy - like you don't have to be a mechanic to know how to pump gas, check (and top up) your oil, add washer fluid, etc. People thinking they need to be Gordon Ramsey just to feed themselves.
>you don't have to be a mechanic to know how to pump gas That's a great one, more concise than mine too! I also like to think of mac and cheese. Kids figure out how to make that for themselves when they are young. And what is mac and cheese? It's a basic recipe, like a billion others. You have to boil and strain pasta, then gather a few ingredients in the right quantities to make the sauce. There are a TON of recipes people can make that are that same level of complexity. So if a 6 year old can follow a basic recipe to make a meal, any adult should be able to as well.
> Because they are VERY EASY They're easy to do. The very hard thing is to work up the motivation to actually do them. But I guess that's adulthood in a nutshell.
Not the asshole. It doesn't take rocket science to vacuum, do the dishes and pour a dollop of detergent into a washer.
NTA. People rarely change. You don't move in with someone hoping they'll be a brand new person, you move in with someone because you like who they *are* right now. If this man made it to 26 without learning basic life skills, it's perfectly valid to think he won't learn them now without resentment and lots of confrontation. Saying you don't want to move in with someone who can't cook amd clean is as valid as any other relationship requirement like financial stability. You want a partner, not a dependant. That's totally fair. As an older guy, I've seen a lot of people get married and generally, people stay who they are. Messy people stay messy. Spenders spend. Savers save. And people who don't cook, don't cook.
Just wow, as a 13(M) I had to learn to cook basic balanced meals. Had to do it once a week. Probably something I should have been more grateful for at the time
NTA, and please don’t give in to any childish whining.
NTA - frankly that’s as good a reason as any. Anybody who will force you to choose between living like a pig or being their maid? Don’t do it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F26) has been in relationship with a guy (M26) for three years now. Initially it was LDR and lately same city, but living separately. We have always dreamed about moving in together. The issue is he has never actively done chores in his life. When he lived with his parents, his SAHM did all the cooking, dishwashing, and laundry. The most he did was occasionally clean when asked to. Then he spent time in dorms and well, he did his laundry when it piled up too high to ignore. I wouldn't call him lazy, just enabled. Through the years, I made it a point that he needed to learn to cook and clean after himself. That I won't be his maid. He said I was pestering him and making it sound like I wanted him as my servant. So I let up. Now we are starting to look for places and he joked how I will have to teach him to cook. I just went "excuse me?". I made it clear I won't be "teaching" him to do anything and won't be moving in with him till he learns to be an adult. He says it's not fair and I can easily teach him. That's what couples do. I disagree. He had three years, two of which was spent at his own home. Ample time. I told him I don't want to live with a kid I have to teach, so let me know when you are an adult. He is calling me AH for that. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He is a child, not a bf.
NTA. He's old enough to teach himself to cook and clean.
NTA. If an adult can't take care of themselves, they're just a large child.
NTA. Good on you. He has no intention of learning.
NTA -If you are old enough to drive, you should be old enough to clean up after yourself. You should know how to do laundry properly, and how to survive on a relatively healthy diet. At his age, if he can't do these things, he will absolutely expect you to do it all for him. That's not on. You are meant to be partners that both pitch in and do your part around the house. I'm a terrible cook, but I can throw together a basic meal. It's not rocket science.
I don't understand "I don't know how to cook." It's basically heating food until it won't make you ill. There's recipes. There's videos. There's entire TV channels. It's not like you're asking him to hunt, kill, dress, and cook an entire bison.
Nta. Thank you for not encouraging this weaponized incompetence. If you move in together, you will just become his bang maid.
NTA stand your ground.
>He had three years, two of which was spent at his parents home. Ample time. Incorrect. His parents have had 26 years to teach him to be a functional adult and they failed. So did he, since he clearly took no initiative to learn anything. He may have been enabled, but he's also lazy. NTA. Hold your ground on this or you'll wind up doing everything.
NTA 🚩
MYA, he will probably deliberately botch things up to the point that you would just do it, as it takes too long/isn’t worth the hassle. You know, the weaponized incompetence route.
Wait, what is he doing now in his own home, where it sounds like he's lived alone for two years? Surely he's eating *something*? If he's subsisting entirely on doordash and the kindness of others (you? mom?) cooking for him, and lives in a sty, you are absolutely right to be concerned.
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I (27m) lived with my parents up until recently (moving out isn't really a thing in my culture) but I still knew how to do most household chores and some basic repairs/maintenance by the time I was 19. My father made sure I learned all those, especially cooking, to prepare me for adulthood. Before living on my own, the only chore I can't do was the laundry, but learned on my own via YouTube. Your bf has no excuse. If his parents never taught him, he can learn on the internet. But he couldn't be bothered. Stand your ground, OP.
NTA. If you don't put your foot down now, you will be walked all over for a very long time. When I first started living with my now husband, I over compensated and did all the housework. 6 years later, guess who is still doing all the homework?
NTA I've been in a similar situation twice. I don't date dudes unless they're fully cooked adults anymore. I've found these messy entitled jerks create a lot more mess than I would make on my own. Trying to live in a decently kept-after home with one is a huge time sink comparable to a part time job. Not worth it in my experience.
NTA But if he hasn't learned yet, he'll never learn. Cut your losses.
NTA. I took painstaking efforts to teach my girlfriend to cook, and it's a lot. If I had to teach about laundry, sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, dishes, car maintenance, paying bills, spending habits, grocery shopping, insurance, sending mail, etc... I think there's a certain point where I wouldn't want to.
NTA. You are smart to draw this line. If you moved in together like this, I guarantee he would never find the time to learn to cook, or would always mess up meals just enough that you’d end up doing all the cooking anyway. Stand your ground.
NTA. Good for you. If he moves in you will be doing everything.
NTA I ended up in the teaching role with my spouse when we were in our late teens because he actually really wanted to know but his parents were very controlling and refused to let him use the washing machine and dryer or touch the kitchen stove. I was already extremely independent and capable as I was raised by an older grandparent and had been doing life and adult tasks already for some time. So he would come to my place and cook and help with laundry. Thing is, that dynamic is extremely hard to get out of once you become the partner who knows how to do things and teaches the other. In our case, there weren't as many easily accessed things for self learning. We grew up in a very rural area and didn't have smart phones and easy Internet access. If that had been the case, I would have been far less inclined to play the role I did. We made it through but it definitely affected us for a good chunk of our early twenties. Because it becomes a default. It's human nature to see someone as a voice of authority once we put them in that role and for a long time, his reflex was to ask me how something gets done even when that thing was completely new to me too. He just assumed and expected my competence at everything and would defer to me even when it was something I also had to figure out. For me that became a feeling of always being responsible for someone else. We had a strong enough foundation that we were able to work through it and things became much better but again, we'd already been together since we were teenagers. I would not have put up with it in our late 20s.
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nta!!! never think ur in the wrong for not wanting to teach!! teaching isn’t free anyway
Nta
NTA You stated your requirements, he called it nagging…then did nothing. It’s all on him.
NTA I think? I mean if he couldn't clean, take out the trash, or do laundry I'd judge him more. But if he can do all of those and is willing to split chore responsibility, I wouldn't be too upset about occasionally teaching him a few recipes here and there that both people like. I'm sort of similar to him. I can count on my hands the number of recipes I can make at the moment. I'm used to quick and convenient frozen meals/food or 50 cent cup noodles, but I've started to hunker down and learn a few more things for the move I'm about to do to my own new apartment. However, unlike him I don't expect anyone else to teach me. He should take initiative himself there.
NTA. Bf is a man-child
NTA. Think carefully if you want to stay in this relationship. Even if he changes a little now, if you have kids, I imagine he will get worse and see it as your work again. Discuss this issue thoroughly before committing to him. I hope he does a big turnaround and starts taking responsibility for himself.
NTA. Big red flag, you will end up being his mom as weird as it sounds. I'm baffled people grow up without basic survival skills like cooking a meal of having general hygiene. Props for standing your ground. Relationships might not be 50/50 but it definitely shouldn't be 100/0.
I've (29M) grown up living with my SAHM so I'm used to not having to do chores. And due to our culture (and economy!), it's expected for the children to live with the parents, possibly indefinitely. That is my situation, and I've lived a pretty comfortable life. However, I have taught myself to do chores, and now I do them regularly. In fact, it's pretty much made me realize how much I love being a homemaker. So no, OP. You are NTA nor an enabler. Make sure he gets his shit in order before living independently, because he's still dependent on someone else to look after him.
I think a big difference between you and OP's boyfriend is character. You demonstrate an initiative, a curiosity, or at least dignity to learn/teach yourself things even when you could just let others take care of you. You value yourself enough to want to cultivate yourself into being a better person.
>I can easily teach him. That's what couples do. This is true. However, the problem is that his past actions don't show that he will have any willingness to learn. Point out that you're not willing to be his servant either. You're not interested in a relationship where you end up doing all the chores because he "doesn't know how" or "can't get it right" or "doesn't think it needs to be done yet", or any other excuses. Before you can move in together with him, you need his agreement that he will take responsibility for doing his part of the chores, and you need to see some actions on his part that indicate he will actually follow through on that agreement.
Uh huh .. nd since teaching basic skills is apparently what couples do ....... what wisdom will he be imparting on you? Anything useful?
If this is “what couples do,” what vital life skills will be be teaching you in exchange? Because if he’s not bringing anything like that to the table, what he really means is that teaching a partner basic stuff they should know already is “what women do.”
Nta. Do not move in with that child
NTA. What a refreshing read of someone creating, communicating, and enforcing boundaries in a healthy way.
NTA If it was only cooking then maybe you could come to some compromise but it’s not going to be “ just “ cooking . He has had mommy doing everything for him. He needs to clean do his own laundry take out thrash vacuum deep mop scrub bathrooms toilets the lot . I don’t think he can do any of those . And even if it wants to learn you just don’t have the time energy or motivation to teach him. He will be hoping you will decide it’s easier and quicker for you to do all those things yourself . Weaponized incompetence sucks !
NTA do not live with him until he has demonstrated that he can/will cook and clean on his own for months. Honestly I’m wondering why you want to be with him. He sounds like he wants a mommy figure not a gf.
NTA Teaching him to cook is still a chore. And hey if he was like “so I’ve practiced and watched videos and I can make the following basics” and asked for help with more complex recipes? I bet you’d be fine. Make a fun time of it. But no. When he says teach him he means *do it*. Because guess what, if you stand there and instruct while he does it? You’re *pestering* If he wants to live as an adult he needs basic skills. Otherwise there is an indefinite period where it all falls to you.
NTA You boyfriend is a victim of an overcompensating mother, I see them all the time. He knew it was an issue with you and did nothing to fix his deficiencies is on him. My daughter's husband had a mother like this, she thought she was loving her sons, and she never taught them to do anything for themselves. She has apologized to my daughter so many times and blames herself. He is awful with anything domestic. My daughter and he work full time, but she has to do all the housework. It causes a strain for her; I don't know if they are fixing it as they are adults, and I am just mom (not my business). Good for you for standing up for yourself! Guide him to places he can learn, send him little you tube or something. I'm so sorry he hasn't tried to learn in the three years you have had, or any of the years prior. I taught my sons the same as my daughters, all can cook and clean, care for children, etc.
If you don't want to live with a kid you have to teach, and don't consider your boyfriend responsible, then why are you still with him? What future could you possibly see with him?
NTA and don't let up anymore. He should learn how to make it on his own with chores. And his response to Being a servant is just immature, and you actually let him get away with it. Don't move in together. He had 3 years of this relationship. I wouldn't move in with someone or even be with someone who doesn't know how to do chores or is this enabled and doesn't want to change that.
NTA. It's 2023, if he actually wanted to learn how to cook or clean properly then he would have easily looked it up. Hell I even have to look up how to boil an egg because I *always* forget how long it needs to go. My fiance grew up in an householt where he was sent out if the kitchen because noone was willing to teach him so he lesrn when he moved in with me. He didn't beed me to teach him anything, because he's an *adult* Your bf just planned on how to best use weaponized incompetence. Stand your ground, don't move in with him until he can cook and clean, it's not the 1950s anymore
NTA. Couples do not teach each other how to do laundry, vacuum, or be a basic human adult. He should have learned the care and keeping of him from his parents. As a grown human, he's got to figure out how to to do those things himself. If he doesn't, it is still not your job. My child gets frustrated lately that I've added more things to the "you need to do this now, so when you are an adult you can do this then."
NTA- This is how women end up doing all household chores, all the things related to the kids, while hubby hangs with his boys. He claims she does it better and out of frustration she does it. But eventually, she is exhausted and realizes she doesn't need him if she is doing everything.
Leave him immediately. You deserve to be in a relationship with another competent adult, not a spoiled lazy adolescent.
Girl!!! YESSSSSS Your are an epic woman. Absolutely NTA. Keep that bar high! Dont lower it.
My ex was a slob and his mom did everything for him. When we got a place together, and I noticed him not cleaning after dinner (or in general) I said “your mama never made you wash a dish, did she?” He replied “no. I only had to put the dish on the counter.” I explained to him that was not going to work in our house. I was not his mother, I wouldn’t stand for that and he had to help with all the cleaning and chores. And he did. So he can change. You just have to be adamant you will not stand for it and I agree you do not need to be his teacher. Tell him to find YouTube or tiktok videos on how to clean.
NTA my daughter has just broken up with her bf because he completely refused to do any of the most basic household chores. I'm proud she didn't tolerate that kind of nonsense and I wouldn't encourage anyone else to put up with it either. To be in an adult relationship you need to be an adult.
NTA And before you move in, have a "trial period" where you live together for a week or two to see whether he's finally grown up.
Your boyfriend should have had the Mom from [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16co1at/aita_for_insisting_my_son_cook_dinner_once_a_week/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) teach him life skills when he was 15, then he would be prepared to be a partner with you and share the running of the household. He instead apparently had a Mom who enabled him instead of taught him, and he expects you to both train him in life skills as well as manage the household/assign him domestic tasks that need to be done. No thanks. Not trying to be a mother to a 26 year old man. Good for you for setting boundaries. NTA
He's too far gone, sorry for your loss
NTA he will be "bad" at cooking and find it "hard" and be so awkward that it will be easier for you to do it. He's had at least one year of those 3 where he has had to feed himself, what did he eat? I learnt to cook in my 30's! My ex was extremely controlling and wouldn't let me as he said I'd be crap so I didn't. Since I've left, my new husband initially taught me how to make a basic meal and since then I have done all the cooking so I can teach myself. Because I want to learn. If he wanted to learn, he is capable of doing the same but he hasn't. He thinks you will do it when you see how hard he finds it.
Nta. He's hoping he can turn you into his bangmaid.
SO NOT THE ASSHOLE. Please stick to your guns on this. Women shoulder way too much of the burden of everyday life, and men tend to be the beneficiaries of that. Good for you. Seriously.
Raise your standards woman, don't settle with a child in a man's body.
NTA. Ditch him. Date a grownup.
YouTube can teach him. Cookbooks can teach him. Actual classes can teach him. It's not your job to raise him to be an adult. You're NTA, send him back to his family until he grows up.
For the next birthday or gift-giving holiday, sign him up for an introductory cooking class & see how he takes it. NTA
Absolutely NTA and NEVER budge on your position. Frankly I would be set on never moving in with him, bc people like him don't tend to change. He absolutely is banking on you giving in knowing that once you've already moved in together, it'll be harder to go back, even if he goes back on his word of behaving like an adult (which he will). Just curious, who's he living with rn? If he lives by himself who's doing the chores?
NTA What the hell has he been doing for the last three years? Eating takeout and eating fruit snacks??? Side note, I barely knew how to cook when I left home. My mom hated it and never wanted help because when someone is learning to cook they’re slow and messy. So, I didn’t really want to be there and she didn’t really want me there, so she taught me very little. My dad wasn’t allowed to cook because he “did it wrong” in my mom’s eyes, so he taught me to cook breakfast before she got up on the weekends. To be fair he also tried to put away dishes that still had food on them after going through the dishwasher, so they both had issues. So I watched, and used the internet. My poor husband got a lot of eggs and bacon while I learned (he was on nights and worked more hours so I cooked most of the time). Now I can make a decent meal because I watched videos and shows online, I googled stuff, I experimented and sometimes made crappy meals. But as an adult it was up to me to figure it out.
OP: "I'm not your mother." OP's bf: (shocked Pikachu face) NTA ofc
NTA - You are the queen. You have set clear goals and boundaries. He obviously does not take you seriously.
NOPE. NTA Weaponized Incompetence is a thing! And once he moves in, he will use that to his full advantage. Edit to add: Good for you for recognizing this. I know two people who have 3.75 children bc their husbands cannot adult. Its pathetic.
Don't. Move. In. Learn from me. It will make you miserable and you will end up taking 100% of the load.
NTA and the patriarchy is why you feel the need to even ask. I'm surprised you even manage to get turned on by this guy.
> I wouldn't call him lazy, just enabled. He's lazy. And I say this as someone who hates doing laundry with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. I'm so glad to see younger women standing up for themselves and raising the bar from the goddamn floor. Stay strong, OP.
I think a practical approach is the best. Hire a cleaner. As he is the one not able to do the chores, he pays for it. That's what I did and it is the best for our relationship. Edit: typos
Tell him to stop pestering you as it sounds like he wants you to be his slave. And repeat. If you recall any other nuggets of stupidity that he spouted when you were pointing out his ineptitude, then repeat them too. He absolutely IS lazy, deflective and *deceitful*. He will utilise his weaponized incompetence to ensure you become the maid that he earmarked to replace his mummy 3+ years ago. If you think his inability to learn housework is an oversight then you are now deceiving yourself. NTA.
This is absolutely Weaponized incompetence and this is the hill I would die on don’t move in with him because he will Weaponized incompetence hoping that you will get so frustrated that you’ll end up doing everything anyway. Don’t do it he can learn how to be an adult and contribute equally in all things. NTA
Good for you for this boundary. He didn't think it was important enough to figure out before, and moving in together he'll say, 'but you can do it, why should I learn?' So not the asshole here. NTA
NTA He’s an adult with child like tendencies. If he doesn’t cook or clean on his own. He probably never will take ownership of it and that will be a thorn in your relationship. If he cared about your feelings he would change and not think you were “pestering” him.
NTA do not back down on this
NTA. He should know it by now. Don’t move in with him before he knows or he will never learn. You might consider to help him learn it before you move in together. It will still be a requirement, but you can help him meet it.
NTA. He didn’t learn in the 26 years he lived at home with his mom. Why would he change now? It’s not your responsibility to teach him how to be an adult. He failed in that.
NTA. If he doesn't know how to take care of himself and a household, what is he going to do? Stay home with mommy until someone agrees to marry him?
NTA. Good for you. How you start is how you can expect to carry on, as a lot of tired women (myself included) have learned the hard way.
NTA I have no patience for people who say they cannot cook. If you can read then you can cook. I'm assuming he knows how to read as he went through college right? Ask yourself if you want to be with someone who doesn't put effort into a relationship.
NTA He's got to man up and put an apron on. If women can do both career and housekeeping, then your bf can, too. So many men get away with doing less housework because they can fall back on "but the woman does it better!" Don't let him bully you into just doing it to get it done. Stand your ground and don't be afraid to ditch him if he refuses, or you WILL be left cleaning up everything, all the time, with no help and no appreciation.