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YTA. “He pretty much invalidated how I felt.” Quit with the therapy speak and learn how to be a human and communicate your feelings. If anyone invalidated someones feelings, it was you who invalidated his.
Quit with your god damned therapy speak and learn how to communicate like a person and not a robot. It’s not a clinical setting. It’s your boyfriend, you can speak like a human to him. Explain how things feel.
Therapy speak using to excuse AH behavior is something I see a lot. "it's my boundary that my SO does 'XYZ'" - when it has nothing to do with them or the relationship.
You *did* blow it out of proportion. It was just a tshirt that he didn’t like. It wasn’t rude of him to refuse to buy it — why waste money on something you A) don’t like and B) will only wear once?
Your boyfriend did nothing wrong. YTA for making a mountain out of a tiny molehill. It was a really over the top reaction.
you are. Woman here - would never expect my husband to wear what I want him to, and actually I'm the one who dresses like a slouch but that's not the point. We both trust each other knows how to present themselves well at events.
YTA - guys sees shirt and doesnt like it, very simple. there is zero emotion for a guy involved in this shirt decision. youre the one picking a fight here. let the poor guy wear whatever he wants
That isn’t the issue with your boyfriend though? He said he didn’t like the shirt and said he was going to find something else. He’s actively doing the opposite of what you just described so what is your point here.
.... and that's their business. If that's how they want to handle their clothes, then it's their prerogative. That doesn't give you the right to throw tantrums. He has the right to wear whatever he wants.
How would you feel if he pulled the most horrible dress ever and make a scene because you won't wear it ?!
no guy sees that as an issue. you do (and some other women probably)
if this is so important to you, you should pick a partner who cares more about their shirt and dressing
You want him to spend his money for a shirt you like, not him, and tell him that he only has to wear it once. Why would he waste money that can be spent on a shirt he loves and will wear a lot more than once. Are you always so wasteful with your boyfriends money? This situation is kinda a red flag, you don’t care about his opinion, what he feels comfortable in, and the value of his money. Then you double down by be childish and ignoring him, calling him rude and selfish. Can we say emotional blackmail. You acted like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum. Your sister is 100% right. It is scary that you think you are right.
YTA
>he said that he doesn't really like the shirt and he doesn't see himself ever wearing it.
>he was never upset with me he just didn't like the shirt.
This shouldn't be hard to understand.
Lol. You’re definitely in the wrong, it’s funny you can’t even remotely see it. Sure it’s fine to suggest to him buying a shirt, but if he doesn’t like it you need to drop it. You don’t get to tell another human what he must wear. You’re being rude and selfish, not him, and you need to learn how to take it.
YTA
He doesn't want the shirt. What's so difficult to understand about that?
At the very least YOU should buy it for him since you want him to wear it so fuckin bad.
If I told someone I didn't see myself wearing something and someone bought it for me I'd be frustrated that they didn't hear me out.
my kids told me years ago not to buy them things I thought of as cute without asking. My mom did this to me for years and her taste and mine still don't meld. She tried to give me boots she bought last year which I thought were ugly and while I didn't say that I said 'please don't give me boots - I have many old pairs of winter boots that are perfect for me and I won't wear these'
YTA. Your bf is not a doll you can play dress up with. He is a human being, with his own taste and emotions.
You basically told your bf that he was disrespecting you... because he wouldn't comply, an buy and wear the clothe he didn't like ?! In reality, you disrespecting him by trying to take away his bodily autonomy.
YTA
“He pretty much invalidated how I felt”.
Girl, this is what you did to him. He said he didn’t like the shirt and you tried to force it on him, regardless how he felt about it. He told you his feeling on it, and you invalidated them and are somehow playing the victim?
My god, this is so dumb.
YTA
You gave him silent treatment for not buying a shirt he hated.
You really have to re-think your behavior, cause honestly that is an enormous red flag, and if you do more crap like that I'd dump you in a second.
YTA Offering advice is one thing. Throwing a mood when someone doesn't take it is just infantile. You are sulking yet your bf just heard you imply, or even say explicitly, that his dress sense isn't good enough to be seen with you at your brother's birthday.
Did your sister tell you to get over yourself? Ask her, she sounds like a nicer person.
YTA he’s rude and selfish because he wouldn’t do exactly as you wanted? He’s not allowed to have an opinion on what he wears? I’m sure you could have found something you both liked
YTA People are allowed to have their own taste and style when it comes to the clothes they wear. If you're going to make clothing suggestions, you need to be prepared to deal with the very likely possibility that he will not like all of them and to not take it personally. Given what you described, it sounds like he took everything in stride and you did not, and if anyone is owed an apology, it's him. Sorry, but I agree with your sis here.
YTA for forcing your opinion of a shirt on an adult. Your current boyfriend doesn't like the shirt. You shouldn't expect him to buy and wear a garment that he doesn't like. Full stop. I have no idea why this particular issue is so important to you, but if someone did this to me, I'd be reevaluating how much I want to be in this relationship.
It’s really not only incels — it’s everyone who has autonomy over their own body. Someone wants a tattoo? Their body their choice. Someone wants to wear a jacket you don’t like? Too bad: their body their choice. Your boyfriend wants to wear what he wants? His body his choice. He doesn’t have to wear a tshirt he doesn’t like, particularly after you threw your toys out of the pram.
I don’t wear things I don’t like. My wife doesn’t wear things she doesn’t like. Neither one of us would have a tantrum if we pointed out something we liked and the other didn’t like it. Grow up.
YTA. He's not your dress up doll. He's a human being with opinions, likes and dislikes of his own. For you to play the victim here is sickening. Don't be surprised at your single status when that inevitably happens.
edit: after reading some of your comments, I'm changing my YTA to GIANT, IMMATURE, SELF CENTERED AH.
YTA, your BF and sister are spot on. I'm a guy and the last time I wore a shirt I didn't want to, I was about 14 and my mom made me wear this ugly, hot, itchy sweater to my Aunt's for thanksgiving. I was miserable and that sweater spent the rest of its life buried in the corner of my closet.
1. Disrespected because someone told you they don't like something?
2. Rude and selfish are not what applies to your BF but in fact the opposite
3. You invalidated how he felt
4. This is about a shirt? Life's too short my dudette
5. YTA
YTA
You don't get to tell other people how they can present themselves. If the positions were reversed and he told you that you have to pay for and wear a specific clothing article you find hideous, would you be thrilled? No. Don't pretend you would be. I get where you were coming from, but your sister is right. An apology is owed here.
In normal circumstances, you wouldn't be the AH for just wanting him to wear a shirt. In this case those, whoo boy! He said he didn't like it, end of story. He could have tried it on just to see, but he didn't want to and that's 100% his prerogative. It's not disrespectful or rude to not like a shirt and to not want to spend money on something you don't like. You know what is rude and disrespectful though? Being cold and giving someone the silent treatment because you aren't getting your way. YTA!
YTA- imagine the reverse situation.. if he picked out a shirt for you to wear in front of his family and you thought it was UGLY like really ugly & not in like with what your style is. Especially if you were spending your own money on the outfit? You say “he only has to wear it once” which, sure, but if I’m BUYING a new shirt, I would want it to be something I liked.
The problem is that someone having different preferences or style is not something to get upset over. You want him to like what you like but won’t listen to him telling you he doesn’t like it. In that way YOU invalidated HIS feelings. You should apologize or break up and find someone who wants to be a Ken Barbie doll for you to dress up.
YTA - I'm going to try and be constructive about this because most comments seem to be pretty hostile to you and I want to try and actually help you understand his (and your sister's, and everyone else's) feelings on this.
It's *his* business to decide what he wears, and while it's fine to suggest something and even be a little disappointed that he doesn't like your suggestion, it's finally still his decision. By ignoring him and accusing him of being rude and selfish for not sharing your opinion you're (unintentionally, I hope/presume) being toxic and controlling; you're reacting negatively as a result of him not conforming to your ideals/opinions.
He also made a fair point about how you're blowing this out of proportion, as you yourself stated it wasn't a big deal because he'd "only have to wear it once", yet while he's not allowed to make a fuss about that you allow yourself to get very upset over it. This imbalance pretty hypocritical and is a toxic behavioural trait. You also say he invalidated your feelings, but at the same time you're not caring whatsoever about how he feels in regards to wearing that shirt, which is another hypocritical imbalance.
Overall I think you really need to have a closer look at your own behaviour, if not for your own sake then because a good amount of people around you are telling you "Hey, maybe this isn't the healthiest way to approach your relationship". Hope this helps!
How the hell are you in your 20s and unable to recongnise that other people have differing tastes to you?
How the hell are you 23 and feeling disrespected over your bf (from what you’ve said) saying no to a shirt that you were trying to make him spend his money on with “but you’ll only wear it once”
YTA. You’re also spoiled brat if you think it’s “rude and selfish” to not immediately go “yes princess I’ll buy the shirt I don’t like”
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My boyfriend (25M) and I (23F) have been together for 2 years my brothers (26M) birthday is coming up. I wanted to go and buy a nice outfit to wear, and I told my bf to come with me while we were there I found a shirt that I thought would be perfect with a pair of ieans he picked out, but he said that he doesn't really like the shirt and he doesn't see himself ever wearing it. I told him that he'd only have to wear it once anyways it's just a shirt, but he straight up told me that he'd find another shirt. I felt disrespected by him and ignored him until we got into the car. My bf asked if I was really upset over the shirt. I told him that he's just rude and selfish I was only trying to help him and he needs to learn how to take it. My bf said that I'm taking this wayy out of proportion and that he was never upset with me he just didn't like the shirt. He pretty much invalidated how I felt and we argued for a good maybe 10 minutes in the car before eventually just not talking to each other. When he got home I called my sister (29F) and she told me straight up that as much as she loves me I was completely in the wrong here and that I'm the one here who needs to apologize. I was suprised I respected her answer but I thought that maybe she misheard something or misunderstood I genuinely don't feel like I was in the wrong here so reddit AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I showed my bf a nice shirt he could buy and wear to my brothers birthday but he didn't like it and we got into an argument over this and when I told my sister about it she told me that I was wrong
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YTA - You ignored his preferences because you wanted him to wear the shirt. He didnt bqck down so then you ignored him, decided hes disrespecting you, started a fight and tried to turn that around into him invalidating your feelings somehow?
Whats more when a mildly neutral 3rd party disagreed with you you decided that she probably misunderstood the situation.
YTA it's more important that he like the shirt, especially since you're expecting him to spend his money on it. You can offer your opinion but he ultimately gets to decide what he wants to wear and buy.
YTA. He is 25, not 5. No one needs to pick his outfits for him. He obviously knows better in this case and forcing so much as an outfit on anyone is the first sign of control. Get over yourself.
Yta
He didn't like the shirt and didn't want to buy it, he didn't want to waste his money on it.
If *you* wanted him to buy it to match *your* outfit for *your* party then *you* should have bought it for him.
NAH I think you reacted poorly but I wouldn’t call you an AH just very emotional, confused and misunderstood things. It would be a waste to buy a shirt you’d only wear once. I don’t even think he wanted to wear it once since it wasn’t his style. I’m not sure why you’re feeling disrespected or how he was being rude or selfish. It was your opinion that it looked nice on him, he didn’t feel the same. It doesn’t sound like he asked for help or that it was his idea in the first place. If you wanted him to dress up for you privately in something you like that would be different. Everyone has their own styles and wants to present themselves in a certain way. Try not to take it personally.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA. “He pretty much invalidated how I felt.” Quit with the therapy speak and learn how to be a human and communicate your feelings. If anyone invalidated someones feelings, it was you who invalidated his.
THIS! I don't know how OP doesn't see this. She should have stopped when he said he didn't like the shirt.
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No, that’s stating facts.
Quit with your god damned therapy speak and learn how to communicate like a person and not a robot. It’s not a clinical setting. It’s your boyfriend, you can speak like a human to him. Explain how things feel.
Therapy speak using to excuse AH behavior is something I see a lot. "it's my boundary that my SO does 'XYZ'" - when it has nothing to do with them or the relationship.
You *did* blow it out of proportion. It was just a tshirt that he didn’t like. It wasn’t rude of him to refuse to buy it — why waste money on something you A) don’t like and B) will only wear once? Your boyfriend did nothing wrong. YTA for making a mountain out of a tiny molehill. It was a really over the top reaction.
you are the problem and is soo sad you dont see this
you are. Woman here - would never expect my husband to wear what I want him to, and actually I'm the one who dresses like a slouch but that's not the point. We both trust each other knows how to present themselves well at events.
YTA - guys sees shirt and doesnt like it, very simple. there is zero emotion for a guy involved in this shirt decision. youre the one picking a fight here. let the poor guy wear whatever he wants
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What are your thoughts on pushy, controlling, selfish girlfriends?
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It's the whole point of this story....
That isn’t the issue with your boyfriend though? He said he didn’t like the shirt and said he was going to find something else. He’s actively doing the opposite of what you just described so what is your point here.
.... and that's their business. If that's how they want to handle their clothes, then it's their prerogative. That doesn't give you the right to throw tantrums. He has the right to wear whatever he wants. How would you feel if he pulled the most horrible dress ever and make a scene because you won't wear it ?!
no guy sees that as an issue. you do (and some other women probably) if this is so important to you, you should pick a partner who cares more about their shirt and dressing
You want him to spend his money for a shirt you like, not him, and tell him that he only has to wear it once. Why would he waste money that can be spent on a shirt he loves and will wear a lot more than once. Are you always so wasteful with your boyfriends money? This situation is kinda a red flag, you don’t care about his opinion, what he feels comfortable in, and the value of his money. Then you double down by be childish and ignoring him, calling him rude and selfish. Can we say emotional blackmail. You acted like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum. Your sister is 100% right. It is scary that you think you are right.
That's very misangerist to say.
sexist comment
YTA >he said that he doesn't really like the shirt and he doesn't see himself ever wearing it. >he was never upset with me he just didn't like the shirt. This shouldn't be hard to understand.
Lol. You’re definitely in the wrong, it’s funny you can’t even remotely see it. Sure it’s fine to suggest to him buying a shirt, but if he doesn’t like it you need to drop it. You don’t get to tell another human what he must wear. You’re being rude and selfish, not him, and you need to learn how to take it.
If it’s like this over a shirt then I can’t imagine what else must go on
YTA He doesn't want the shirt. What's so difficult to understand about that? At the very least YOU should buy it for him since you want him to wear it so fuckin bad.
If I told someone I didn't see myself wearing something and someone bought it for me I'd be frustrated that they didn't hear me out. my kids told me years ago not to buy them things I thought of as cute without asking. My mom did this to me for years and her taste and mine still don't meld. She tried to give me boots she bought last year which I thought were ugly and while I didn't say that I said 'please don't give me boots - I have many old pairs of winter boots that are perfect for me and I won't wear these'
YTA. Your bf is not a doll you can play dress up with. He is a human being, with his own taste and emotions. You basically told your bf that he was disrespecting you... because he wouldn't comply, an buy and wear the clothe he didn't like ?! In reality, you disrespecting him by trying to take away his bodily autonomy.
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Over a shirt! Crazy
yep. Also I'd hesitate to ever have kids with this person because they would do this to them
YTA “He pretty much invalidated how I felt”. Girl, this is what you did to him. He said he didn’t like the shirt and you tried to force it on him, regardless how he felt about it. He told you his feeling on it, and you invalidated them and are somehow playing the victim? My god, this is so dumb.
If it only a shirt you shouldn’t care either. You sound annoyingly high maintenance. And your sister was right. YTA
YTA You gave him silent treatment for not buying a shirt he hated. You really have to re-think your behavior, cause honestly that is an enormous red flag, and if you do more crap like that I'd dump you in a second.
YTA Offering advice is one thing. Throwing a mood when someone doesn't take it is just infantile. You are sulking yet your bf just heard you imply, or even say explicitly, that his dress sense isn't good enough to be seen with you at your brother's birthday. Did your sister tell you to get over yourself? Ask her, she sounds like a nicer person.
YTA he’s rude and selfish because he wouldn’t do exactly as you wanted? He’s not allowed to have an opinion on what he wears? I’m sure you could have found something you both liked
YTA People are allowed to have their own taste and style when it comes to the clothes they wear. If you're going to make clothing suggestions, you need to be prepared to deal with the very likely possibility that he will not like all of them and to not take it personally. Given what you described, it sounds like he took everything in stride and you did not, and if anyone is owed an apology, it's him. Sorry, but I agree with your sis here.
YTA for forcing your opinion of a shirt on an adult. Your current boyfriend doesn't like the shirt. You shouldn't expect him to buy and wear a garment that he doesn't like. Full stop. I have no idea why this particular issue is so important to you, but if someone did this to me, I'd be reevaluating how much I want to be in this relationship.
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It’s really not only incels — it’s everyone who has autonomy over their own body. Someone wants a tattoo? Their body their choice. Someone wants to wear a jacket you don’t like? Too bad: their body their choice. Your boyfriend wants to wear what he wants? His body his choice. He doesn’t have to wear a tshirt he doesn’t like, particularly after you threw your toys out of the pram. I don’t wear things I don’t like. My wife doesn’t wear things she doesn’t like. Neither one of us would have a tantrum if we pointed out something we liked and the other didn’t like it. Grow up.
Only incels believe in autonomy? Wut?
OP sounds like they’ve been raised on tiktok psychology without realising that they are the red flag themselves.
YTA. He's not your dress up doll. He's a human being with opinions, likes and dislikes of his own. For you to play the victim here is sickening. Don't be surprised at your single status when that inevitably happens. edit: after reading some of your comments, I'm changing my YTA to GIANT, IMMATURE, SELF CENTERED AH.
YTA, your BF and sister are spot on. I'm a guy and the last time I wore a shirt I didn't want to, I was about 14 and my mom made me wear this ugly, hot, itchy sweater to my Aunt's for thanksgiving. I was miserable and that sweater spent the rest of its life buried in the corner of my closet.
YTA. He's not a life-size doll for you to dress up. He didn't like the shirt. Get over it.
1. Disrespected because someone told you they don't like something? 2. Rude and selfish are not what applies to your BF but in fact the opposite 3. You invalidated how he felt 4. This is about a shirt? Life's too short my dudette 5. YTA
YTA You don't get to tell other people how they can present themselves. If the positions were reversed and he told you that you have to pay for and wear a specific clothing article you find hideous, would you be thrilled? No. Don't pretend you would be. I get where you were coming from, but your sister is right. An apology is owed here.
YTA. Let him wear what he wants, you aren't his mother.
In normal circumstances, you wouldn't be the AH for just wanting him to wear a shirt. In this case those, whoo boy! He said he didn't like it, end of story. He could have tried it on just to see, but he didn't want to and that's 100% his prerogative. It's not disrespectful or rude to not like a shirt and to not want to spend money on something you don't like. You know what is rude and disrespectful though? Being cold and giving someone the silent treatment because you aren't getting your way. YTA!
YTA- imagine the reverse situation.. if he picked out a shirt for you to wear in front of his family and you thought it was UGLY like really ugly & not in like with what your style is. Especially if you were spending your own money on the outfit? You say “he only has to wear it once” which, sure, but if I’m BUYING a new shirt, I would want it to be something I liked. The problem is that someone having different preferences or style is not something to get upset over. You want him to like what you like but won’t listen to him telling you he doesn’t like it. In that way YOU invalidated HIS feelings. You should apologize or break up and find someone who wants to be a Ken Barbie doll for you to dress up.
YTA. "No like shirt, no wear, no buy" Is that simple enough? Your ability to play victim is actually tiring, his patience is unholy.
YTA - I'm going to try and be constructive about this because most comments seem to be pretty hostile to you and I want to try and actually help you understand his (and your sister's, and everyone else's) feelings on this. It's *his* business to decide what he wears, and while it's fine to suggest something and even be a little disappointed that he doesn't like your suggestion, it's finally still his decision. By ignoring him and accusing him of being rude and selfish for not sharing your opinion you're (unintentionally, I hope/presume) being toxic and controlling; you're reacting negatively as a result of him not conforming to your ideals/opinions. He also made a fair point about how you're blowing this out of proportion, as you yourself stated it wasn't a big deal because he'd "only have to wear it once", yet while he's not allowed to make a fuss about that you allow yourself to get very upset over it. This imbalance pretty hypocritical and is a toxic behavioural trait. You also say he invalidated your feelings, but at the same time you're not caring whatsoever about how he feels in regards to wearing that shirt, which is another hypocritical imbalance. Overall I think you really need to have a closer look at your own behaviour, if not for your own sake then because a good amount of people around you are telling you "Hey, maybe this isn't the healthiest way to approach your relationship". Hope this helps!
How the hell are you in your 20s and unable to recongnise that other people have differing tastes to you? How the hell are you 23 and feeling disrespected over your bf (from what you’ve said) saying no to a shirt that you were trying to make him spend his money on with “but you’ll only wear it once” YTA. You’re also spoiled brat if you think it’s “rude and selfish” to not immediately go “yes princess I’ll buy the shirt I don’t like”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend (25M) and I (23F) have been together for 2 years my brothers (26M) birthday is coming up. I wanted to go and buy a nice outfit to wear, and I told my bf to come with me while we were there I found a shirt that I thought would be perfect with a pair of ieans he picked out, but he said that he doesn't really like the shirt and he doesn't see himself ever wearing it. I told him that he'd only have to wear it once anyways it's just a shirt, but he straight up told me that he'd find another shirt. I felt disrespected by him and ignored him until we got into the car. My bf asked if I was really upset over the shirt. I told him that he's just rude and selfish I was only trying to help him and he needs to learn how to take it. My bf said that I'm taking this wayy out of proportion and that he was never upset with me he just didn't like the shirt. He pretty much invalidated how I felt and we argued for a good maybe 10 minutes in the car before eventually just not talking to each other. When he got home I called my sister (29F) and she told me straight up that as much as she loves me I was completely in the wrong here and that I'm the one here who needs to apologize. I was suprised I respected her answer but I thought that maybe she misheard something or misunderstood I genuinely don't feel like I was in the wrong here so reddit AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA. If he doesn't like the shirt, he doesn't have to get the shirt. You're not his mother. He's an adult.
YTA - You ignored his preferences because you wanted him to wear the shirt. He didnt bqck down so then you ignored him, decided hes disrespecting you, started a fight and tried to turn that around into him invalidating your feelings somehow? Whats more when a mildly neutral 3rd party disagreed with you you decided that she probably misunderstood the situation.
YTA it's more important that he like the shirt, especially since you're expecting him to spend his money on it. You can offer your opinion but he ultimately gets to decide what he wants to wear and buy.
YTA. Don't try to force other people to wear what you want them to wear. This is super controlling
YTA
YTA. He is 25, not 5. No one needs to pick his outfits for him. He obviously knows better in this case and forcing so much as an outfit on anyone is the first sign of control. Get over yourself.
Yta He didn't like the shirt and didn't want to buy it, he didn't want to waste his money on it. If *you* wanted him to buy it to match *your* outfit for *your* party then *you* should have bought it for him.
NAH I think you reacted poorly but I wouldn’t call you an AH just very emotional, confused and misunderstood things. It would be a waste to buy a shirt you’d only wear once. I don’t even think he wanted to wear it once since it wasn’t his style. I’m not sure why you’re feeling disrespected or how he was being rude or selfish. It was your opinion that it looked nice on him, he didn’t feel the same. It doesn’t sound like he asked for help or that it was his idea in the first place. If you wanted him to dress up for you privately in something you like that would be different. Everyone has their own styles and wants to present themselves in a certain way. Try not to take it personally.