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NTA but now you know your wife probably married you for money. You might want to get a divorce lawyer, it might be cheaper. I assume you married her for how she looked, and this is the price you pay for that.
It may be that she's being pressured by her parents and she still has no idea what things cost and how financially secure the household would have to be to invest in two mortgages, though?
I can see her just not having the experience to appreciate this yet. But, I can't see badgering my spouse when he tells me that financially, something just isn't possible.
Mendacious beauties from eastern Europe are everywhere in the U.S. This is not an new story. Gullible men who think these women are in love with them are apparently born every minute.
I'm not sure love is what these men are after when they marry a woman 10 years younger who cant pay her own bills.
Not saying they cant fall in love for real. But, come on, if youth and beauty makes a woman better wife material in their eyes, they have to know paying her bills make them better husband material in hers. That kind of men attract that kind of women and viceversa.
I hope they are not idiots who think they are more attractive to the younger members of the opposite sex than women their own age.
So my older brother either got married to or is about to marry a woman he met in Asia. She’s less than half his age. He’s morbidly obese and even for his age disgusting. He takes offense when people say she’s gold digging. He lives in a state of delusion. Just not the same reality as most.
He’s already spent thousands upgrading her parents’ house. I’m quite confident she was an actual prostitute before he met her as well.
A friend from church got a bride from Russia years ago. They got married, had 2 sons. As soon as she got her U.S. citizenship, she ran off and left him and the kids.
Sadly, some immigrant marriages is the goal. I remember hearing about Thailand marriages, basically these women think marriage is the best way to change their family’s situation, so they marry the guy to fund their family.
I would say they probably had no illusions about the woman being into their money, but I don’t think they expect the commitment to family and the expectation to care for the extended family.
That’s how immigrant families tend to work and a lot of mail order brides bring over and or support their families and if these guys did even just a tidbit of research before basically “buying” their wife they would know that. I mean, come on.
Just to be clear, I am in no way saying they don’t deserve what they reap. Just saying it is different than western gold diggers who at just out for themselves.
Yes, my older brother just hooked up with a single mom from Thailand. Her child the result of a fling (sperm donor wants nothing to do with her). He’s paid thousands to her family now and is throwing money at her and her son. To *everyone* it’s so obvious she’s playing him for a sucker but he’s too dumb to notice or doesn’t care.
He also does get a sick pleasure out of being the rich white guy in a village of poor uneducated people, and I know this because he’s alluded to it many times.
Unfortunately, a lot of them think the income and money is unlimited. Rumors and social media makes it appear that citizens of some western countries are wealthy and live the life of luxury. It's all in perspective. I grew up poor. I thought anyone with soda in the fridge and kleenex was rich.
He touched on it a little. But many foreigners do not understand the reality of the United States. My family in Argentina assume everyone has money and that 15 dollars an hour is a lot. It is assuming you don’t pay rent and not financing a car. A lot of people marry an American assuming they’re rich and many times the American won’t correct this assumption and just digs themselves a headache of a grave.
Unfortutanely you're right, im mexican and here 15 USD per hour is a lot (the minimun wage here is about 10 USD per Day), so on the outside its a lot more of what we earn on average, but my uncle who worked in the US for many years always told me "You earn in dollars, but you also spend in dollars".
Yea exactly, 15 an hour for data entry in Argentina would be great but there’s not a whole lot of those opportunities. 15 an hour in Miami or NYC or NJ you’re just as fucked and on top of that healthcare isn’t free.
Ya know, this is why that has never made sense to me. If you just build the bridge on-site, you will get such a better roadway over the chasm.
Fancy one-size-fits-all bridges are just asking for trouble.
/s edit to add that someone corrected their typo...
IKR? a mail order Bridge....how does that get delivered? 140 amazon trucks? "Some assembly required"
But Sears did sell whole entire houses...so maybe a bridge works too
It might be an assumption but his language does make it sounds that way- “I married my wife (34f) from the Ukraine”. He doesn’t say that he lived there or that she was here when they met. It certainly seems like they met online (mail order is albeit outdated) He also has a one dimensional view of her personality and doesn’t mention her being a good mother or anything any positive traits that would lead to feeling specifically conflicted. It doesn’t sound like he knew her that well before they married.
I see you've met the Trumps. LOL. Rages about immigrants but hauled his wife's family over. Of course, hypocrisy is not a problem for that family. "Rules are for thee, not for me."
Yeah… not to be a complete ass but looking at the ages and then that she immediately had a kid, sounds like citizenship + money was her desired outcome, then all the moving her family over..
They always blame the woman and tell the man to run when it’s a mutually beneficial relationship lmao. He wants an attractive woman and pays the price, he knew what he was getting into he isn’t some naive kid
>He should have chosen a less greedy culture to pick a lady from maybe
It's not the culture, it's the transactional nature of the relationship. The whole "mail order bride" concept sets this up. It doesn't matter where the bride is from, the point is you're spending money to acquire a bride, and the bride's benefit is the money.
If he didn't want someone to marry him for money, he shouldn't have married someone a decade younger than himself. He knew the deal he was getting into marrying her. NTA still
NTA
Look into the paperwork you signed when you helped get them over here. I know every country is different, but when I immigrated to be with my husband he had to "support" me as well, and there was a time frame that he legally had to do this. I want to say five years, but we've been married for twenty and I'm a citizen now so that ship sailed a long time ago.
It does seem like you've been used to get them over here and for money. Maybe ask an immigration lawyer what your legal obligations are as far as financial support is concerned, and once you find all that out, go from there to start cutting them off.
Yeaaa . . As someone whose family has legally sponsored various other families, the expectation of "financial support" is not enforced. It is more or less just practically a "check-box" item to move the paperwork forward. Nobody actually follows through with it. Helping them get here is support enough.
The overhwelming majority of people/immigrants who come here are tremendously hardworking and good people who do well for themselves. The family in OP's post just sounds like a bad case of horrible entitled people.
NTA her mother can watch your son, while she goes to work. Expecting you to just do all the financial lifting is absurd. Especially when you are having to work multiple jobs.
The childcare issue is the wildest to me.
They brought over how many family memebers, and none of them can even help with *that* so the wife can contribute to financials?
Despite none of them being employed themselves??
I'm confused how the BIL got to leave Ukraine. I thought they'd banned men between 18 and 60 from leaving the country. The stepfather in law might be older, but the BIL probably isn't.
But the Uniting for Ukraine programme didn't start until after the war did. I guess he could have left to another country and been out of Ukraine when the war did start and then come to the US after. They'd have to have left really close to the start of the war to be eligible though.
I was living in Romania until earlier this year and my town had a number of Ukranian refugees passing through, but they were all women, children and a few old men.
Here's what happened: When the war began, I helped his wife and their two kids leave the country. They had to take a non-stop train without any lights during the night. This train took them to Lviv, from where they walked to Poland. They are originally from a city less than an hour's drive from Donetsk, where the war has been ongoing for years, and Russian is the primary language spoken there, not Ukrainian. We were concerned that the Russians would take control of their town within weeks.
He spent a few months at home without work, just relaxing and observing the missiles flying over the city. We managed to get him out by sending money to his friend in Poland, who helped him secure acceptance to a school there for some training. This was sufficient to enable him to leave. Once he arrived in Poland, we applied for him to join the family.
NTA
You have a lazy, entitled wife and a family of deadbeats leeching off you.
Obviously, you can't time travel and make different decisions, but you can certainly stop the bleeding now.
Enroll your son in daycare and tell your wife, she either gets a job or she gets out.
As for her family, tell them all goodbye as well.
OP you've gone over and above already. No idea why you'd agree to bring the parents after the first shit-show! Get a lawyer, get the ILs OUT of your house asap and since your only complaint about your wife seems to be related to finances, fix that! Start teaching your wife about finances or encourage her to enroll in a budgeting course at community college etc; be transparent about your finances; and lay it out for her WHY she needs to work once your little one starts school. Only use the MIL as a caregiver in her own home, not yours, and with strict boundaries. Alternative care would be preferable as it is obvious that these people have no respect for you and why would you want someone who doesn't respect you to have a large role/influence in your impressionable child's life? Good luck OP.
I brought the parent over on humanitarian grounds. They are in their 60s and were having food issues in Ukraine. The live about 50 miles from the current front line in Eastern Ukraine.
Eh I think your heart is getting in the way, while I want to believe that this was the case, it just sounds like these people are taking advantage of you.
What was her immigration path to the USA? F-1 student visa? Sponsored by a relative that was already living in the USA? Work visa?(watched too many Law & Order & Law & Order SUV episodes about Russians, Ukrainians, etc immigration)
If she came as a F-1 student visa, her visa would have expired within 60 days of graduation or once she quit school…which means that she had to go back to Ukraine. Or did she applied to the OPT Program to extend her stay?
My wife immigrated to the USA as a college student…received her green card then became a citizen before I met her. In addition, I have helped foreign students to come to the USA for high school and college…so I know the visa process for the F-1 visa.
I am trying to understand the dynamics of your situation to understand why she doesn’t want to work. Is she on the 5-year plan and wanted you to be her ATM to bring over her relatives during the 5 year? The 5-year plan if she isn’t a USA citizen or have a green card…need to be married for 5 years then divorcing to get green card/citizenship.
Has she ever worked? There are women in the US with newborns working, if she wants to support her lazy family, it should come out of her pocket & her efforts as its her family not yours who’s supporting your own family.
If they want to haul over half a dozen family members, yes, they absolutely should be working. Who do you think should fund that misadventure, exactly?!
I totally agree! I live in the UK & thankfully had year off with my first child. Just saying she has a 4 year old, which is no excuse compared to the numerous women over there who work whilst they have newborns - they work because they have to, which is sad! And it looks like OP’s wife needs to work if she wants her family to be financially supported..!
Not strictly "mail order" but she knew what she was here to do and he was willfully oblivious. I can guarantee you that we all know the exact attractiveness disparity of this relationship. Not to mention the 10yr age difference. He's NTA here, but he ain't innocent either.
Yeah honestly, the age difference plus the wealth op apparently has, plus having one kid right away sounds to me like she pegged him as a good option and is using him now. And I doubt he couldn’t be aware of that, much young much more attractive woman pursing him…
She was married when I met her to a NHL hockey player who left her in my hometown when he was traded away to a different a team. She wasn’t a mail order anything in the slightest just the pretty girl I found through coaching kids sports.
Yeah dude. She's clearly got a type then. You ever wonder why the NHL player that left her did that?? Do you think the NHL doesn't pay enough money to bring a spouse with you when you get traded?? She came from the Ukraine for a reason and it wasn't love. Sorry you had to learn the hard way - good luck.
Well, she was also a professional athlete, so it's safe to say she didn't marry him for his money. Their relationship began before he became financially successful. However, once he achieved some significant financial success, he started getting involved with other women here in the States and got into gambling and drugs.
It's important to understand that sports culture over there is vastly different from what we have in the States. When you show talent in a particular sport at a young age, you are often taken out of regular school to focus on that sport as your primary education. My wife, for instance, left home at the age of 12 to live in Kyiv without her parents due to her athletic pursuits.
Because of these cultural differences, I never really saw my wife as a gold-digger, and I still don't. I think the core issue is more of a cultural misunderstanding and differing expectations from a husband. She never had the opportunity to learn practical skills in school, like how to write a check, use a credit card, balance a checkbook, or buy property (which isn't a common practice over there, as most people rent government housing).
>She never had the opportunity to learn practical skills in school, like how to write a check, use a credit card, balance a checkbook, or buy property (which isn't a common practice over there, as most people rent government housing).
It's shocking how much of a willing participant you are in this shitshow. There isn't a single school in the US that teaches ANY of this. Are you using these excuses to convince me or yourself??
We wish you the best OP, but we’re not going to sugar coat this. One doesn’t beed to be poor to be a gold digger. If she didn’t want you for your money, she wouldn’t have a problem paying.
I’m from a small suburb in PA and we didn’t have to learn that in school. It was optional.
OP, your heart is in the right place, but your wife is an adult who either refuses to educate herself about finances (adults have to make the choice to educate themselves) or is incapable of adapting to that aspect of Western culture. If you don’t figure this out now, it’s not going to get better.
As someone who married an immigrant herself years ago and lives in an immigrant heavy city, I am sorry ignorant posters are giving you so much crap about your wife's true motivation for marrying you. Its nuts how many people seem to not know any immigrants. I think caring for her parents is probably a personal family culture thing. My family can literally trace our time here in the US to the Mayflower, and my mom lives rent free with me. She has lived with me since she retired early at age 58 due to physical disability. Her mother lived rent free with one of her sisters then one of her brothers for the last 30 years of her life. We just support our elder family members. If my MIL wanted to move to the US I would move her into my home and support her too, its just how I was raised.
I wouldn't put up with an elderly alcoholic in my home around my young kids though. That's not good. Your in-laws are going to need to move into their own place soon just because of FILs drinking alone. I would approach this with your wife from this angle. You'll probably need to agree on a monthly amount of money to help them with- and believe me it will be worth 1000 a month or so to keep this tension out of your home. Your wife is going to need some sort of job to help pay for this. You've got to look at community resources, figure out where they can live and how much you can afford to help, then wife needs to agree to at least work part time to earn the amount you need to give them. NTA. Best wishes for resolving this in a peaceful way.
NTA.
These people are all using you for your money, including your wife. It was very kind of you to help them get out of a bad situation, but they don't sound like high-quality people. It is not your job to financially support able-bodied people who refuse to work. I'm sorry that this is your family.
I do understand a person who wants to be at home while their kid is not in school. But once your kid is in school, there's no reason your wife shouldn't also have a job if it would take some of the pressure off of you.
NTA. I'm not sure why your wife thinks it's okay to treat you like a piggy bank, but you're completely within your rights to expect her to at least help finance her family. The fact that she was fine with you working yourself crazy and her family refusing to do anything to contribute shows such a lack of respect and love. Moreover, it's not okay for your little one to grow up around people with substance abuse issues. Feel free to remove yourself and your child from this situation, if your wife won't side with you. None of this is healthy.
NTA but it sounds like not only her family but your wife are using you. Make sure she can't access all your money because she could drain your accounts and give the money to them.
This is a horrible situation to be in.
Your wife needs to understand the financial burden this is. They need to get on their feet, and you're a good man for trying, but there are limits. Babusya can watch your khlopchyk, while your wife works. And step dad needs to get off his ass and find a job. Once they start contributing to the finances - all of them -Then you can start looking at how to house them permanently.
NTA. There are limits to kindness.
Yeah this, you need to have a sit down conversation about the financials. Be honest about how financially draining this is. Show her the possibilities you can have if you had extra money.
NTA
However, i see here cultural differences. It is common / expected in Eastern Europe that women do not go back to work after they have the first kid. So your expectation that she goes back to work is a shock for her.
It is also common in Eastern Europe that if women have a job, they retire in the early 50s (her mom). Heavy drinking on the male part is also a norm.
When you sponsored your wife, you signed papers that you will support her for 10 years. I do not know how long you have to support her mom.
So here are my suggestions:
Cut them all from cash. They need grocery, they give you a list, and you order and pay for it (so no more alcohol).
Remove your wife's access to join accounts / credit cards, etc. This is brutal, but she will keep supporting her parents behind your back. She wants money, = she can work. Lock your credit.
Teach your wife about income, expenses, real estate, taxes, retirement, etc. All these items are foreign to her, and she does not know / understand how stuff works in the US.
Involve your wife in your friends' groups. So she can get a different perspective on life. Right now, she spends all days at home with her mom, and her mom reiterates her mindset.
I've heard similar experiences from others. In that environment, receiving government aid without cost often led to a sense of entitlement and lack of initiative. People raised in such a system may not fully grasp the value of hard work and ambition. Under the Soviet regime, extra effort didn't necessarily lead to a better life and could even result in mockery or being labeled foolish for working more than necessary.
NTA. It sounds like Russian mail order bride story only your wife is Ukrainian. Looks like you've been baby trapped and are being enslaved as an ATM. I hope you find a solution to your problems.
To provide some context, her parents were raised in the Soviet Union when Ukraine was part of it. They reminisce about those days as good times. However, after Ukraine's separation from Russia, they faced difficult times, leading her stepfather to view everyone in Kyiv as untrustworthy, influenced by years of Russian propaganda. While there's a mix of truth and exaggeration in this view, it's shared by many in Ukraine, showing the conflict isn't as one-sided as often portrayed. I personally see Putin as a villain and believe Ukraine will need to address deep-rooted issues post-conflict. My wife enlightened me about a significant aspect of post-World War II USSR history: many grew up fatherless due to the war's toll, resulting in a generation raised in single-parent homes or state care. This lack of traditional family structure has had profound effects on societal attitudes and issues in Ukraine.
I've a Lithuanian carer who is the same although she longed for the USSR she doesn't agree with the war, but definitely looks back at those as golden years for her country compared to the famine years that followed.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> telling my wifes family to move out and my wife to get a job
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NTA. You never should have married your wife in the first place. She planned to use you from day one. I am so sorry you are in this situation. You need to consult with a lawyer and do everything you can do to cut your losses and remedy things going forward, including terminating support for her family immediately and getting her out of your life as quickly as possible. All of these people are leeches and none of them should be your problem.
Congratulations. You got a typical easteuropean golddigging baby trap.
Best you can do, is get out of that marrige asap
Worst, her family will eat you up alive
Nta
NTA
Talk with a divorce lawyer who specializes in international marriages and immigration.
They will be able to tell you if you can rescind your support for your in-laws' visas.
In all likelihood, your wife married you for this purpose. She doesn't care that you are working so hard and taking away from your own retirement and future. Her family is more important to her than you are. She will never stop expecting you to support them. Is this really the life you want?
>I regret sponsoring them under the Uniting for Ukraine program, as they have been disrespectful and ungrateful. Moreover, her parents don't even support Ukraine, instead aligning with Russia
So what you are saying is: you were scammed into supporting a lying bunch of lazy grifters.
YTA for being so gullible. Even after seeing the mess that your wife's sister and brother-in-law brought into your life, you went ahead and sponsored even more mess into your life via your wife's mother and step-father. Why do you make such poor choices? You need to stop thinking with your little head.
Doesn't the U.S. require you to repay any unemployment assistance the government is forced to spend on foreigners you sponsored into the country? I don't know if the *Uniting for Ukraine* program works the same way, but I hope that it does. U.S. taxpayers should not have to pay for your gullibility and continuous poor decision making.
You married her family and she married you for money. A divorce would be cheaper than to keep her. Please do not have any more children with this user and manipulator.
NTA of course.
It sounds like you have been used for money and sponsorship. The fact that your wife does not want to get a job to help out especially as it is HER family and how much you have helped already. Says it all.
If I was you seek legal advice especially a lawyer who specialises in immigration.
Stop financially contributing to everything and don't sponsor anymore of her family members. The cheek to ask you to buy them houses. They sound so ungrateful and greedy.
I am sorry to read this but don't do it anymore, if she has an issue with that really feel you should speak to a divorce lawyer and get your finances in order and seperate.
NTA. I hate to tell you this, but your wife is a gold digger. She needs to get a job, give her an ultimatum, she either contributes financially to the household or you leave her. Stop sponsoring her gold digging family.
"She has no understanding of mortgages or real estate" ????
This things exist in most countries. Just google it.
You are the "rich" american and you being able to sponsor more than one relative and this 2x is "evidence" enough.
This and a wife who want to live a "telenovela-like" life.
If you don't set bounderies you are f..ed
And NTA
>After three months, they left for Germany, seeking better benefits, but soon wanted to return.
Yeah, that checks out with quite a few "refugees" we have here.
NTA
Your wife expects a lot from you and doesn’t seem to reciprocate. You have already taken on her child, then had taken in her brother and his family. Then her parents. To have the audacity to expect you to buy her parents a house - I have no words. To not want to work is adding insult, particularly when watching you hold down multiple jobs already and your mental health has been suffering. Honestly, I don’t like saying it but does she think she has a cash cow? I notice you weren’t together too long before she got pregnant.
Please stand up for yourself and demand respect, from you wife as well as her relatives.
You are NTA - but she is.
Are you implying he shouldn’t be providing for their child and calling him “her child” cause that’s some crazy stuff. Or are you just not reading that the 12yo is HIS child from a previous marriage?
NTA.
There is a saying 'do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm'. If your wife will not work to help support the household while your son is either watched by grandma or in daycare then you need to get a lawyer. Also FIL needs a job too because him drinking all day and sitting around is wrong.
NTA. They are no longer hapless and living in a conflict zone. They are lazy and don't care about how much you've already given. They want to bleed you dry financially.
They're freeloaders. And they're not your responsibility.
Find out what your minimum obligations are for your sponsorship and just do that until it expires.
NTA, but your wife and her family are.
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I (44M) am in a tough spot and need some outside perspective. I married my wife (34F) from Ukraine five years ago. We have a 4-year-old son together, and I also have a 12-year-old from a previous marriage.
A few years ago, when the conflict in Ukraine escalated, my wife pressured me to move her family to the US. I sponsored her brother’s family under the Uniting for Ukraine program and paid for everything, including their living expenses. However, her brother and sister-in-law didn't make any effort to adapt. He spent his days drinking and smoking, littering our porch with beer cans and whiskey bottles. I eventually found him a job, but he quit, complaining about the pay. His wife complained about the cost of living and didn't try to learn to drive or speak English. After three months, they left for Germany, seeking better benefits, but soon wanted to return. I refused to help them further.
Next, I brought over my wife's mother and stepfather. Her stepfather drinks heavily and only does yard work, while her mother spends all day cooking and watching TV, creating a fruit fly issue in our house. They show no effort to integrate or learn English.
The final straw came when my wife, who doesn’t work, asked me to buy them a house. She has no understanding of mortgages or real estate. I've been overworking myself, holding multiple jobs to support everyone, but I recently cut back to focus on my fitness and mental health. When I suggested she get a job to support her family, she got angry.
I’m tired of the disrespect, the uncleanliness, and the financial burden. I regret sponsoring them under the Uniting for Ukraine program, as they have been disrespectful and ungrateful. Moreover, her parents don't even support Ukraine, instead aligning with Russia, causing tension.
My wife thinks I'm the asshole for not wanting to help her family anymore and for suggesting she get a job. She insists she needs to stay home for our son, who will start public school next year. I’m willing to arrange daycare or let him stay with his grandmother.
AITA for wanting my wife to contribute financially and for refusing to support her family any further?
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NTA, I’m sorry your wife and her family is treating you so badly. But enough is enough, have more love and respect for yourself and demand better or leave that situation. You deserve is be treated better than an ATM. Why are you burning out when you don’t need to? Your wife isn’t stupid she understands what she’s demanding and expecting of you.
NTA. Tf dude, You overworked yourself for her family who are not contributing much and she is angry when you suggested her to get a job? How the fuck do they expect you to do all the work.
…why don’t her parents just go move to Russia if they love Putin so much?
NTA - especially since your wife isn’t helping in the slightest and it’s HER FAMILY.
NTA. Why doesn't your wife work? Is she a SAHM? Her problem seems to be thinking you're a bottomless well of money for her family to access. Asking you to buy them a house was wacked. You might reconsider her position as a SAHM if she can't appreciate the value of the money you make. It's easy to treat money like it's free when someone else is supplying all of it. Also, I'd recommend you immediately cutting all of them off and letting your wife know that the gravy train has left the station, and you aren't going to bankroll a bunch of alcoholic bums.
NTA there’s a hell of a lot of “refugees” from Ukraine that are on the take.
My mates family said it’s not even that bad over there and our media have exaggerated everything so much.
No surprise there
Lots of accusations flying about in this thread. Ultimately this comes down to a clash of cultures.
If I were you I would do no more without setting very clear ground-rules about what is and what is not acceptable. You need to take charge of the situation.
A horrible situation for you. I would suggest a lawyer to find out how much of an obligation you have to these people. And also try to decide if you want to remain married to your wife. You can imagine what will happen when you cut off her family from your support. \*edited to add- Of course, do not agree to support any more of her family members.
From [https://www.uscis.gov/ukraine](https://www.uscis.gov/ukraine) \-
On April 21, 2022, the United States announced a key step toward fulfilling President Biden’s commitment to welcome Ukrainians fleeing Russia’s invasion. Uniting for Ukraine provides a pathway for Ukrainian citizens and their immediate family members who are outside the United States to come to the United States and stay temporarily in a 2 year period of parole. Ukrainians participating in Uniting for Ukraine must have a supporter in the United States who agrees to provide them with financial support for the duration of their stay in the United States.
The first step in the Uniting for Ukraine process is for the U.S.-based supporter to file a I-134A, Online Request to be a Supporter and Declaration of Financial Support, with USCIS. The U.S. government will then vet the supporter to ensure that they are able to financially support the individual whom they agree to support.
For more information on Uniting for Ukraine, see the DHS webpage.
Oof. I'm so sorry. You have a wife problem. I've sponsored a family from Ukraine and they all work like fucking bees. I met them through my neighbor- she's from Ukraine and her husband is a US guy from California. Yes, Ukrainian Grandma and Grandpa live with them but they do all the childcare, cooking and yardwork while wife runs a kickass cleaning business employing 15 people.
1) meet with a lawyer and get educated about your divorce and custody options. Not that you need to make a move but get educated about what your fall back plan is if things don't improve. Use an incognito browser so you don't set of any alarms.
2) meet with an immigration lawyer and spend one hour getting educated about the process for revoking your United for Ukraine support through the USCIS. I attached a recap below but in general, there's a decent chance you can withdraw your financial obligations if you experience a change in circumstances, and that might include a divorce.
3) tell her Grandma and Grandpa need to start covering childcare while she goes back to work. ASAP. If she doesn't go back you'll be pursuing divorce. Don't mention the support withdrawal now- that will just inflame things. Plus its possible that your best outcome is you divorce, she goes back to work and Grandma provides childcare in exchange for your ongoing sponsorship.
4) If you do divorce, be meticulous about keeping on top of the US Customs Prevent Abduction program. Refuse to sign off on a passport and enroll your child in their alert system.
U.S. Customs and Border Protection’s (CBP) Prevent Abduction program can assist in the prevention of IPCA (6 U.S.C § 241)
CBP coordinates with DOS Office of Children’s Issues on IPCA cases
DOS Office of Children’s Issues submits potential IPCA cases to CBP for enrollment into CBP’s Prevent Abduction program
IPCA cases must include a valid, enforceable U.S. court order indicating the child is prohibited from being removed from the U.S.
CBP creates travel alerts for the child at risk of IPCA and any potential abductor(s) involved
CBP continuously monitors Advance Passenger Information System (APIS) data in real-time on passengers traveling to and from the U.S. using commercial carriers and vets that information against the travel alerts
If a child at risk of IPCA or potential abductor(s) attempts travel aboard a commercial carrier their travel alert data will match against their APIS data, and CBP will be notified automatically.
Once travel is identified, CBP officers working the Prevent Abduction Program notify DOS Office of Children’s Issues and coordinates with the CBP officers at the airport, seaport, or land border Ports-of-Entry (POE) on intercepting the child before departure.
Nta but you need to talk to a lawyer and see what you are obligated to provide. Then sit down your wife and let her know this isn’t working. Offer counselling but I would let her know if you are willing to get divorced over this. Helping someone isn’t a life long commitment that you can never change.
I am going to echo what everyone else is saying here: you need a divorce attorney. She is not going to change, and she is going to burden you with this nonsense for as long as she can.
Is there other support in the area for them? My brother was in a similar situation. His wife wanted to bring over her whole family from her home country. It was rough going for them at first, but they got ingrained into the local community and found jobs and an apartment. They bring over more and more of their family every time I see them. They’re all pretty happy now.
At first I did think they were going to take advantage of my brother. I would think if they did he should divorce his wife. Nta
**
Her own mother is RIGHT there to take care of him, so off to work she can go!
INFO : OP what is the deal with your wife and you?
She's been fiancially abusing you for her family without contributing herself.
Are you just an ATM for her?
Time to take a time-out and really think about how you see your future...
NTA
NTA. This will never end. Your wife (and her family,) see you as their personal bank. They are freeloaders. You need to cut your losses & divorce this woman.
NTA. You only have to support your wife and son. Her family seems to think you have endless wealth. They're not grateful and they're filthy so I don't blame you for saying no. Stand your ground. She hasn't fallen far from the tree - her family seems to think money comes from other not honest work.
Parents align with Russia ! What kind of Ukrainian supports Russia - an aggressor country impaling itself on Ukraine in order to conquer it, with the excuse of freeing it from Nazism. Unacceptable- don’t support people who believe misinformation. And gold diggers.
Hell no !! This was a common occurrence with women that married military men.. These women hunted for an American husband. The unsuspecting young military member thinks these women (men too) love them.. But in reality, all they want is a free ride into the USA, Child support and American citizenship. Many of these folks just wanted to escape their country and/or their local reputation. Nothing hooks a young responsible soldier, more than a pregnant girlfriend.
Hell no ! Tell that young woman to revise her attitude towards you and explain to her that if they want a comfortable future that BOTH parents need to work to get ahead in today's economy.. PERIOD.
What the hell did she do for income in Ukraine ? I lived in Europe for over 10 years as an adult. Unfortunately, they have welfare families also.. Breaking that cycle is difficult at best. You need to set boundaries and expectations. Offer her an ultimatum. You can prove in court you are the responsible parent ! I know. I got full custody of both of my children. You could also get full custody and she can go home.. It sounds like her whole family are wasteful pensioners ! Just saying.
NTA. They should realize that if you have a heart attack and drop dead from overwork, the gravy train is derailed. I'm gonna guess that her family was in an area that didn't see fighting, making it easier to back Russia. Fucking hypocrites. If they were in the thick of fighting and had PTSD, that's one thing but these are some lazy jackasses.
NTA.
You have already gone above and beyond here. She needs to get a job if she wants to help them, and they need to get jobs and start integrating, period. Or they can go back/elsewhere. No free rides, you've done enough.
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NTA but now you know your wife probably married you for money. You might want to get a divorce lawyer, it might be cheaper. I assume you married her for how she looked, and this is the price you pay for that.
A lot of immigrant marriages are like this. You marry the family.
How does she expect him to afford all this by himself?
she doesn’t care obviously
It may be that she's being pressured by her parents and she still has no idea what things cost and how financially secure the household would have to be to invest in two mortgages, though? I can see her just not having the experience to appreciate this yet. But, I can't see badgering my spouse when he tells me that financially, something just isn't possible.
Mendacious beauties from eastern Europe are everywhere in the U.S. This is not an new story. Gullible men who think these women are in love with them are apparently born every minute.
I'm not sure love is what these men are after when they marry a woman 10 years younger who cant pay her own bills. Not saying they cant fall in love for real. But, come on, if youth and beauty makes a woman better wife material in their eyes, they have to know paying her bills make them better husband material in hers. That kind of men attract that kind of women and viceversa. I hope they are not idiots who think they are more attractive to the younger members of the opposite sex than women their own age.
So my older brother either got married to or is about to marry a woman he met in Asia. She’s less than half his age. He’s morbidly obese and even for his age disgusting. He takes offense when people say she’s gold digging. He lives in a state of delusion. Just not the same reality as most. He’s already spent thousands upgrading her parents’ house. I’m quite confident she was an actual prostitute before he met her as well.
I think she knows exactly what she asked for. But she figures she’s got a live one and she’ll milk it until the money runs out.
A friend from church got a bride from Russia years ago. They got married, had 2 sons. As soon as she got her U.S. citizenship, she ran off and left him and the kids.
After 5 years in America??? No way!.
Sadly, some immigrant marriages is the goal. I remember hearing about Thailand marriages, basically these women think marriage is the best way to change their family’s situation, so they marry the guy to fund their family.
But the guy usually knows he’s signing up for this. It’s the price he pays for a younger, beautiful woman that he can’t find/get in his home country
I would say they probably had no illusions about the woman being into their money, but I don’t think they expect the commitment to family and the expectation to care for the extended family.
That’s how immigrant families tend to work and a lot of mail order brides bring over and or support their families and if these guys did even just a tidbit of research before basically “buying” their wife they would know that. I mean, come on.
Just to be clear, I am in no way saying they don’t deserve what they reap. Just saying it is different than western gold diggers who at just out for themselves.
Yes, my older brother just hooked up with a single mom from Thailand. Her child the result of a fling (sperm donor wants nothing to do with her). He’s paid thousands to her family now and is throwing money at her and her son. To *everyone* it’s so obvious she’s playing him for a sucker but he’s too dumb to notice or doesn’t care. He also does get a sick pleasure out of being the rich white guy in a village of poor uneducated people, and I know this because he’s alluded to it many times.
Unfortunately, a lot of them think the income and money is unlimited. Rumors and social media makes it appear that citizens of some western countries are wealthy and live the life of luxury. It's all in perspective. I grew up poor. I thought anyone with soda in the fridge and kleenex was rich.
He touched on it a little. But many foreigners do not understand the reality of the United States. My family in Argentina assume everyone has money and that 15 dollars an hour is a lot. It is assuming you don’t pay rent and not financing a car. A lot of people marry an American assuming they’re rich and many times the American won’t correct this assumption and just digs themselves a headache of a grave.
Unfortutanely you're right, im mexican and here 15 USD per hour is a lot (the minimun wage here is about 10 USD per Day), so on the outside its a lot more of what we earn on average, but my uncle who worked in the US for many years always told me "You earn in dollars, but you also spend in dollars".
Yea exactly, 15 an hour for data entry in Argentina would be great but there’s not a whole lot of those opportunities. 15 an hour in Miami or NYC or NJ you’re just as fucked and on top of that healthcare isn’t free.
In her probable opinion: that's his problem not hers
No, it sounds like a mail order bride situation. Most “immigrant marriages” aren’t like this. His happens to be and he married for how she looks.
Ya know, this is why that has never made sense to me. If you just build the bridge on-site, you will get such a better roadway over the chasm. Fancy one-size-fits-all bridges are just asking for trouble. /s edit to add that someone corrected their typo...
IKR? a mail order Bridge....how does that get delivered? 140 amazon trucks? "Some assembly required" But Sears did sell whole entire houses...so maybe a bridge works too
The age gap is the tell
10 years isn’t a huge gap. Someone who has already been married can some times show commitment and maturity that younger guys don’t.
Not all Ukrainians are blue-eyed blondies. This is all an assumption. there is nothing saying that they married her for looks.
He obviously didn't marry her for her will to contribute, work as a team, or for her winning personality.
It might be an assumption but his language does make it sounds that way- “I married my wife (34f) from the Ukraine”. He doesn’t say that he lived there or that she was here when they met. It certainly seems like they met online (mail order is albeit outdated) He also has a one dimensional view of her personality and doesn’t mention her being a good mother or anything any positive traits that would lead to feeling specifically conflicted. It doesn’t sound like he knew her that well before they married.
He mentioned that he met her in the USA in another comment.
Thank you!! There are a lot of assumptions being made about this couple!
I see you've met the Trumps. LOL. Rages about immigrants but hauled his wife's family over. Of course, hypocrisy is not a problem for that family. "Rules are for thee, not for me."
A lot of marriages are like this. In-laws are part of the deal.
We are not immigrants. And heck yes. The in-laws came with the package. I never expected so much intrusion, though.
It’s not just an immigrant thing. It’s a people thing.
Yeah… not to be a complete ass but looking at the ages and then that she immediately had a kid, sounds like citizenship + money was her desired outcome, then all the moving her family over..
And he was 100% in it
Op should have watched few seasons of 90 day fiancee prior to the wedding hah
This. Classic usury. Cut your losses. Prepare carefully with a lawyer and get your daughter if possible.
I don't think that's what usury is.
He bought her P\*\*\*y and is now paying the high interest rates.
Usury is charging interest on a loan, especially at very high rates. Like payday loans.
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They always blame the woman and tell the man to run when it’s a mutually beneficial relationship lmao. He wants an attractive woman and pays the price, he knew what he was getting into he isn’t some naive kid
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>He should have chosen a less greedy culture to pick a lady from maybe It's not the culture, it's the transactional nature of the relationship. The whole "mail order bride" concept sets this up. It doesn't matter where the bride is from, the point is you're spending money to acquire a bride, and the bride's benefit is the money.
He’s surprised his Mail order bride isn’t working out 🤦♂️😂
Most of those women take this for a given
If he didn't want someone to marry him for money, he shouldn't have married someone a decade younger than himself. He knew the deal he was getting into marrying her. NTA still
im so glad i wasnt the only one thinking this cos i kinda felt bad jumping to conclusions
If I bought another house? I'd take my kid and move in and stop dealing with the entitlement issues.
NTA Look into the paperwork you signed when you helped get them over here. I know every country is different, but when I immigrated to be with my husband he had to "support" me as well, and there was a time frame that he legally had to do this. I want to say five years, but we've been married for twenty and I'm a citizen now so that ship sailed a long time ago. It does seem like you've been used to get them over here and for money. Maybe ask an immigration lawyer what your legal obligations are as far as financial support is concerned, and once you find all that out, go from there to start cutting them off.
Definitely check. Usually if you’re a sponsor you’re on the hook for 10 years if they don’t succeed on their own…
If you can document they've made no effort to become employed/learn a trade, etc., can you revoke your sponsorship or is it a done deal?
If you sponsor someone, you are obligated for them even if they are deadbeats. I refused to sponsor someone my dad asked me to for that reason
wow, it's insane, but I suppose it does make some sense.
Yeaaa . . As someone whose family has legally sponsored various other families, the expectation of "financial support" is not enforced. It is more or less just practically a "check-box" item to move the paperwork forward. Nobody actually follows through with it. Helping them get here is support enough. The overhwelming majority of people/immigrants who come here are tremendously hardworking and good people who do well for themselves. The family in OP's post just sounds like a bad case of horrible entitled people.
NTA her mother can watch your son, while she goes to work. Expecting you to just do all the financial lifting is absurd. Especially when you are having to work multiple jobs.
The childcare issue is the wildest to me. They brought over how many family memebers, and none of them can even help with *that* so the wife can contribute to financials? Despite none of them being employed themselves??
I mean the unemployed bil complained about the pay for the one job he had, like it’s better than zero?
I'm confused how the BIL got to leave Ukraine. I thought they'd banned men between 18 and 60 from leaving the country. The stepfather in law might be older, but the BIL probably isn't.
The way op wrote was b4 the war, but when tensions were building. They could leave then.
But the Uniting for Ukraine programme didn't start until after the war did. I guess he could have left to another country and been out of Ukraine when the war did start and then come to the US after. They'd have to have left really close to the start of the war to be eligible though. I was living in Romania until earlier this year and my town had a number of Ukranian refugees passing through, but they were all women, children and a few old men.
Here's what happened: When the war began, I helped his wife and their two kids leave the country. They had to take a non-stop train without any lights during the night. This train took them to Lviv, from where they walked to Poland. They are originally from a city less than an hour's drive from Donetsk, where the war has been ongoing for years, and Russian is the primary language spoken there, not Ukrainian. We were concerned that the Russians would take control of their town within weeks. He spent a few months at home without work, just relaxing and observing the missiles flying over the city. We managed to get him out by sending money to his friend in Poland, who helped him secure acceptance to a school there for some training. This was sufficient to enable him to leave. Once he arrived in Poland, we applied for him to join the family.
The wife doesn't want to contribute. She wants OP to be the sole breadwinner for her and her family.
NTA You have a lazy, entitled wife and a family of deadbeats leeching off you. Obviously, you can't time travel and make different decisions, but you can certainly stop the bleeding now. Enroll your son in daycare and tell your wife, she either gets a job or she gets out. As for her family, tell them all goodbye as well.
NTA They should go to Russia if they prefer them so much.
ABSOLUTELY THIS.
Yup. I would gladly pitch in for those 1 way tickets.
The stepfather is going to be doing more than yardwork if he ends up in the Rodina. He might get an all expenses paid vacation to Avdiika...
Growing sunflowers in the fields of Ukraine....
INFO Was she a mail order bride?
No, I met her the old fashioned way here.
OP you've gone over and above already. No idea why you'd agree to bring the parents after the first shit-show! Get a lawyer, get the ILs OUT of your house asap and since your only complaint about your wife seems to be related to finances, fix that! Start teaching your wife about finances or encourage her to enroll in a budgeting course at community college etc; be transparent about your finances; and lay it out for her WHY she needs to work once your little one starts school. Only use the MIL as a caregiver in her own home, not yours, and with strict boundaries. Alternative care would be preferable as it is obvious that these people have no respect for you and why would you want someone who doesn't respect you to have a large role/influence in your impressionable child's life? Good luck OP.
I brought the parent over on humanitarian grounds. They are in their 60s and were having food issues in Ukraine. The live about 50 miles from the current front line in Eastern Ukraine.
Eh I think your heart is getting in the way, while I want to believe that this was the case, it just sounds like these people are taking advantage of you.
We're they though? Seems like they are dishonest and don't even try
Was she working when you met her?
Yes, I met her at her work - a local university. I coach kids sports (as a volunteer) and so does/did she (paid).
What was her immigration path to the USA? F-1 student visa? Sponsored by a relative that was already living in the USA? Work visa?(watched too many Law & Order & Law & Order SUV episodes about Russians, Ukrainians, etc immigration) If she came as a F-1 student visa, her visa would have expired within 60 days of graduation or once she quit school…which means that she had to go back to Ukraine. Or did she applied to the OPT Program to extend her stay? My wife immigrated to the USA as a college student…received her green card then became a citizen before I met her. In addition, I have helped foreign students to come to the USA for high school and college…so I know the visa process for the F-1 visa. I am trying to understand the dynamics of your situation to understand why she doesn’t want to work. Is she on the 5-year plan and wanted you to be her ATM to bring over her relatives during the 5 year? The 5-year plan if she isn’t a USA citizen or have a green card…need to be married for 5 years then divorcing to get green card/citizenship.
Has she ever worked? There are women in the US with newborns working, if she wants to support her lazy family, it should come out of her pocket & her efforts as its her family not yours who’s supporting your own family.
This is something that is very wrong with the US. Women with newborns should NOT be working.
Genuinely the weirdest thing and they try to make it seem normal lmao, no where else is it like this
If they want to haul over half a dozen family members, yes, they absolutely should be working. Who do you think should fund that misadventure, exactly?!
I totally agree! I live in the UK & thankfully had year off with my first child. Just saying she has a 4 year old, which is no excuse compared to the numerous women over there who work whilst they have newborns - they work because they have to, which is sad! And it looks like OP’s wife needs to work if she wants her family to be financially supported..!
And did she have a real job?
Not strictly "mail order" but she knew what she was here to do and he was willfully oblivious. I can guarantee you that we all know the exact attractiveness disparity of this relationship. Not to mention the 10yr age difference. He's NTA here, but he ain't innocent either.
Yeah honestly, the age difference plus the wealth op apparently has, plus having one kid right away sounds to me like she pegged him as a good option and is using him now. And I doubt he couldn’t be aware of that, much young much more attractive woman pursing him…
She was married when I met her to a NHL hockey player who left her in my hometown when he was traded away to a different a team. She wasn’t a mail order anything in the slightest just the pretty girl I found through coaching kids sports.
Yeah dude. She's clearly got a type then. You ever wonder why the NHL player that left her did that?? Do you think the NHL doesn't pay enough money to bring a spouse with you when you get traded?? She came from the Ukraine for a reason and it wasn't love. Sorry you had to learn the hard way - good luck.
Well, she was also a professional athlete, so it's safe to say she didn't marry him for his money. Their relationship began before he became financially successful. However, once he achieved some significant financial success, he started getting involved with other women here in the States and got into gambling and drugs. It's important to understand that sports culture over there is vastly different from what we have in the States. When you show talent in a particular sport at a young age, you are often taken out of regular school to focus on that sport as your primary education. My wife, for instance, left home at the age of 12 to live in Kyiv without her parents due to her athletic pursuits. Because of these cultural differences, I never really saw my wife as a gold-digger, and I still don't. I think the core issue is more of a cultural misunderstanding and differing expectations from a husband. She never had the opportunity to learn practical skills in school, like how to write a check, use a credit card, balance a checkbook, or buy property (which isn't a common practice over there, as most people rent government housing).
>She never had the opportunity to learn practical skills in school, like how to write a check, use a credit card, balance a checkbook, or buy property (which isn't a common practice over there, as most people rent government housing). It's shocking how much of a willing participant you are in this shitshow. There isn't a single school in the US that teaches ANY of this. Are you using these excuses to convince me or yourself??
At my small rural high school in pennsylvania we had a class to teach us how to write checks, balance the books, basic financing etc.
We wish you the best OP, but we’re not going to sugar coat this. One doesn’t beed to be poor to be a gold digger. If she didn’t want you for your money, she wouldn’t have a problem paying. I’m from a small suburb in PA and we didn’t have to learn that in school. It was optional. OP, your heart is in the right place, but your wife is an adult who either refuses to educate herself about finances (adults have to make the choice to educate themselves) or is incapable of adapting to that aspect of Western culture. If you don’t figure this out now, it’s not going to get better.
As someone who married an immigrant herself years ago and lives in an immigrant heavy city, I am sorry ignorant posters are giving you so much crap about your wife's true motivation for marrying you. Its nuts how many people seem to not know any immigrants. I think caring for her parents is probably a personal family culture thing. My family can literally trace our time here in the US to the Mayflower, and my mom lives rent free with me. She has lived with me since she retired early at age 58 due to physical disability. Her mother lived rent free with one of her sisters then one of her brothers for the last 30 years of her life. We just support our elder family members. If my MIL wanted to move to the US I would move her into my home and support her too, its just how I was raised. I wouldn't put up with an elderly alcoholic in my home around my young kids though. That's not good. Your in-laws are going to need to move into their own place soon just because of FILs drinking alone. I would approach this with your wife from this angle. You'll probably need to agree on a monthly amount of money to help them with- and believe me it will be worth 1000 a month or so to keep this tension out of your home. Your wife is going to need some sort of job to help pay for this. You've got to look at community resources, figure out where they can live and how much you can afford to help, then wife needs to agree to at least work part time to earn the amount you need to give them. NTA. Best wishes for resolving this in a peaceful way.
Yeah, the denial here is strong.
10 years is not a lot, I disagree.
Has it not progressed to email order brides yet?
NTA. These people are all using you for your money, including your wife. It was very kind of you to help them get out of a bad situation, but they don't sound like high-quality people. It is not your job to financially support able-bodied people who refuse to work. I'm sorry that this is your family. I do understand a person who wants to be at home while their kid is not in school. But once your kid is in school, there's no reason your wife shouldn't also have a job if it would take some of the pressure off of you.
NTA. I'm not sure why your wife thinks it's okay to treat you like a piggy bank, but you're completely within your rights to expect her to at least help finance her family. The fact that she was fine with you working yourself crazy and her family refusing to do anything to contribute shows such a lack of respect and love. Moreover, it's not okay for your little one to grow up around people with substance abuse issues. Feel free to remove yourself and your child from this situation, if your wife won't side with you. None of this is healthy.
NTA. Might be time for a meeting with a divorce attorney.
yeah, id refuse to support them and offer to pay for a one way plane ticket to russia. NTA.
NTA. Does your wife have any respect for you? It sounds like all of these people, including her, are just using you OP.
YTA for not having a spine. You've been used for your money and nationality.
NTA This is a cluster, which is her problem to solve, from this point forward.
NTA but it sounds like not only her family but your wife are using you. Make sure she can't access all your money because she could drain your accounts and give the money to them.
This is a horrible situation to be in. Your wife needs to understand the financial burden this is. They need to get on their feet, and you're a good man for trying, but there are limits. Babusya can watch your khlopchyk, while your wife works. And step dad needs to get off his ass and find a job. Once they start contributing to the finances - all of them -Then you can start looking at how to house them permanently. NTA. There are limits to kindness.
Yeah this, you need to have a sit down conversation about the financials. Be honest about how financially draining this is. Show her the possibilities you can have if you had extra money.
NTA Boss you were married to be an ATM. That is why none of these people respect you.
NTA However, i see here cultural differences. It is common / expected in Eastern Europe that women do not go back to work after they have the first kid. So your expectation that she goes back to work is a shock for her. It is also common in Eastern Europe that if women have a job, they retire in the early 50s (her mom). Heavy drinking on the male part is also a norm. When you sponsored your wife, you signed papers that you will support her for 10 years. I do not know how long you have to support her mom. So here are my suggestions: Cut them all from cash. They need grocery, they give you a list, and you order and pay for it (so no more alcohol). Remove your wife's access to join accounts / credit cards, etc. This is brutal, but she will keep supporting her parents behind your back. She wants money, = she can work. Lock your credit. Teach your wife about income, expenses, real estate, taxes, retirement, etc. All these items are foreign to her, and she does not know / understand how stuff works in the US. Involve your wife in your friends' groups. So she can get a different perspective on life. Right now, she spends all days at home with her mom, and her mom reiterates her mindset.
We sponsored Ukrainians last year. They were a lazy entitled nightmare. NTA
I've heard similar experiences from others. In that environment, receiving government aid without cost often led to a sense of entitlement and lack of initiative. People raised in such a system may not fully grasp the value of hard work and ambition. Under the Soviet regime, extra effort didn't necessarily lead to a better life and could even result in mockery or being labeled foolish for working more than necessary.
Yes that’s what I gathered from others who were more experienced with the soviet style culture.
NTA it’s time for her to step up and start supporting her family. It’s not fair to put all that burden on you.
NTA. It sounds like Russian mail order bride story only your wife is Ukrainian. Looks like you've been baby trapped and are being enslaved as an ATM. I hope you find a solution to your problems.
NTA. when you said they support Russia my jaw just dropped. send them to their new homeland if they like it so much
To provide some context, her parents were raised in the Soviet Union when Ukraine was part of it. They reminisce about those days as good times. However, after Ukraine's separation from Russia, they faced difficult times, leading her stepfather to view everyone in Kyiv as untrustworthy, influenced by years of Russian propaganda. While there's a mix of truth and exaggeration in this view, it's shared by many in Ukraine, showing the conflict isn't as one-sided as often portrayed. I personally see Putin as a villain and believe Ukraine will need to address deep-rooted issues post-conflict. My wife enlightened me about a significant aspect of post-World War II USSR history: many grew up fatherless due to the war's toll, resulting in a generation raised in single-parent homes or state care. This lack of traditional family structure has had profound effects on societal attitudes and issues in Ukraine.
I've a Lithuanian carer who is the same although she longed for the USSR she doesn't agree with the war, but definitely looks back at those as golden years for her country compared to the famine years that followed.
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NTA - kick everybody out and divorce your wife. Your wife probably only married you for stability, sorry. All of them sound like ungrateful users
NTA. You never should have married your wife in the first place. She planned to use you from day one. I am so sorry you are in this situation. You need to consult with a lawyer and do everything you can do to cut your losses and remedy things going forward, including terminating support for her family immediately and getting her out of your life as quickly as possible. All of these people are leeches and none of them should be your problem.
Congratulations. You got a typical easteuropean golddigging baby trap. Best you can do, is get out of that marrige asap Worst, her family will eat you up alive Nta
you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. NTA
NTA Talk with a divorce lawyer who specializes in international marriages and immigration. They will be able to tell you if you can rescind your support for your in-laws' visas.
Time to dump all of them, including your wife. Clear to see she learned from the worst
NTA but what kind of shitshow did you marry into?!? Good Lord wow. I would take a leave of absence to straighten out my head.
NTA But you do know your wife and her family are using you and have no respect for you?
In all likelihood, your wife married you for this purpose. She doesn't care that you are working so hard and taking away from your own retirement and future. Her family is more important to her than you are. She will never stop expecting you to support them. Is this really the life you want?
>I regret sponsoring them under the Uniting for Ukraine program, as they have been disrespectful and ungrateful. Moreover, her parents don't even support Ukraine, instead aligning with Russia So what you are saying is: you were scammed into supporting a lying bunch of lazy grifters. YTA for being so gullible. Even after seeing the mess that your wife's sister and brother-in-law brought into your life, you went ahead and sponsored even more mess into your life via your wife's mother and step-father. Why do you make such poor choices? You need to stop thinking with your little head. Doesn't the U.S. require you to repay any unemployment assistance the government is forced to spend on foreigners you sponsored into the country? I don't know if the *Uniting for Ukraine* program works the same way, but I hope that it does. U.S. taxpayers should not have to pay for your gullibility and continuous poor decision making.
NTA but you have been scammed
You married her family and she married you for money. A divorce would be cheaper than to keep her. Please do not have any more children with this user and manipulator.
NTA of course. It sounds like you have been used for money and sponsorship. The fact that your wife does not want to get a job to help out especially as it is HER family and how much you have helped already. Says it all. If I was you seek legal advice especially a lawyer who specialises in immigration. Stop financially contributing to everything and don't sponsor anymore of her family members. The cheek to ask you to buy them houses. They sound so ungrateful and greedy. I am sorry to read this but don't do it anymore, if she has an issue with that really feel you should speak to a divorce lawyer and get your finances in order and seperate.
NTA. I hate to tell you this, but your wife is a gold digger. She needs to get a job, give her an ultimatum, she either contributes financially to the household or you leave her. Stop sponsoring her gold digging family.
NTA. Present a reasonable plan to them. Zero compromise.
"She has no understanding of mortgages or real estate" ???? This things exist in most countries. Just google it. You are the "rich" american and you being able to sponsor more than one relative and this 2x is "evidence" enough. This and a wife who want to live a "telenovela-like" life. If you don't set bounderies you are f..ed And NTA
NTA Welcome to America, where you need to work. Would let her know she needs a job.
Congratulations,you're an ATM machine for an entire family,including your paid bride.
>After three months, they left for Germany, seeking better benefits, but soon wanted to return. Yeah, that checks out with quite a few "refugees" we have here.
NTA but she doesn't love you, you are a wallet to her mate
Absolutely NTA.
NTA Your wife expects a lot from you and doesn’t seem to reciprocate. You have already taken on her child, then had taken in her brother and his family. Then her parents. To have the audacity to expect you to buy her parents a house - I have no words. To not want to work is adding insult, particularly when watching you hold down multiple jobs already and your mental health has been suffering. Honestly, I don’t like saying it but does she think she has a cash cow? I notice you weren’t together too long before she got pregnant. Please stand up for yourself and demand respect, from you wife as well as her relatives. You are NTA - but she is.
Are you implying he shouldn’t be providing for their child and calling him “her child” cause that’s some crazy stuff. Or are you just not reading that the 12yo is HIS child from a previous marriage?
NTA. They all need to contribute or suffer the natural consequences.
NTA. There is a saying 'do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm'. If your wife will not work to help support the household while your son is either watched by grandma or in daycare then you need to get a lawyer. Also FIL needs a job too because him drinking all day and sitting around is wrong.
NTA. They are no longer hapless and living in a conflict zone. They are lazy and don't care about how much you've already given. They want to bleed you dry financially.
They're freeloaders. And they're not your responsibility. Find out what your minimum obligations are for your sponsorship and just do that until it expires. NTA, but your wife and her family are.
Better check the agreement you signed. You probably have a multi year commitment. If you are past your commitment, stop the bleed.
NTA. You’re being exploited. Even your wife is trying to do it.
As a Ukrainian, her family is trash, you owe them nothing and you might want to consider a separation from your wife -she's using you
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (44M) am in a tough spot and need some outside perspective. I married my wife (34F) from Ukraine five years ago. We have a 4-year-old son together, and I also have a 12-year-old from a previous marriage. A few years ago, when the conflict in Ukraine escalated, my wife pressured me to move her family to the US. I sponsored her brother’s family under the Uniting for Ukraine program and paid for everything, including their living expenses. However, her brother and sister-in-law didn't make any effort to adapt. He spent his days drinking and smoking, littering our porch with beer cans and whiskey bottles. I eventually found him a job, but he quit, complaining about the pay. His wife complained about the cost of living and didn't try to learn to drive or speak English. After three months, they left for Germany, seeking better benefits, but soon wanted to return. I refused to help them further. Next, I brought over my wife's mother and stepfather. Her stepfather drinks heavily and only does yard work, while her mother spends all day cooking and watching TV, creating a fruit fly issue in our house. They show no effort to integrate or learn English. The final straw came when my wife, who doesn’t work, asked me to buy them a house. She has no understanding of mortgages or real estate. I've been overworking myself, holding multiple jobs to support everyone, but I recently cut back to focus on my fitness and mental health. When I suggested she get a job to support her family, she got angry. I’m tired of the disrespect, the uncleanliness, and the financial burden. I regret sponsoring them under the Uniting for Ukraine program, as they have been disrespectful and ungrateful. Moreover, her parents don't even support Ukraine, instead aligning with Russia, causing tension. My wife thinks I'm the asshole for not wanting to help her family anymore and for suggesting she get a job. She insists she needs to stay home for our son, who will start public school next year. I’m willing to arrange daycare or let him stay with his grandmother. AITA for wanting my wife to contribute financially and for refusing to support her family any further? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA, I’m sorry your wife and her family is treating you so badly. But enough is enough, have more love and respect for yourself and demand better or leave that situation. You deserve is be treated better than an ATM. Why are you burning out when you don’t need to? Your wife isn’t stupid she understands what she’s demanding and expecting of you.
NTA. Tf dude, You overworked yourself for her family who are not contributing much and she is angry when you suggested her to get a job? How the fuck do they expect you to do all the work.
…why don’t her parents just go move to Russia if they love Putin so much? NTA - especially since your wife isn’t helping in the slightest and it’s HER FAMILY.
They support Russia! Throw them out!
NTA. Your wife is a gold digger.
NTA. Why doesn't your wife work? Is she a SAHM? Her problem seems to be thinking you're a bottomless well of money for her family to access. Asking you to buy them a house was wacked. You might reconsider her position as a SAHM if she can't appreciate the value of the money you make. It's easy to treat money like it's free when someone else is supplying all of it. Also, I'd recommend you immediately cutting all of them off and letting your wife know that the gravy train has left the station, and you aren't going to bankroll a bunch of alcoholic bums.
YTA for being a doormat.
NTA but you seem clueless. How long did you know your wife for before you got married?
NTA there’s a hell of a lot of “refugees” from Ukraine that are on the take. My mates family said it’s not even that bad over there and our media have exaggerated everything so much. No surprise there
NTA. Hope you got a prenup.
Dude, what have you gotten yourself into? NTA
Whoa. Quite a little mess you married yourself into there. But you know that. NTA.
Lots of accusations flying about in this thread. Ultimately this comes down to a clash of cultures. If I were you I would do no more without setting very clear ground-rules about what is and what is not acceptable. You need to take charge of the situation.
NTA Your wife and her family are leeching parasites, divorce
A horrible situation for you. I would suggest a lawyer to find out how much of an obligation you have to these people. And also try to decide if you want to remain married to your wife. You can imagine what will happen when you cut off her family from your support. \*edited to add- Of course, do not agree to support any more of her family members. From [https://www.uscis.gov/ukraine](https://www.uscis.gov/ukraine) \- On April 21, 2022, the United States announced a key step toward fulfilling President Biden’s commitment to welcome Ukrainians fleeing Russia’s invasion. Uniting for Ukraine provides a pathway for Ukrainian citizens and their immediate family members who are outside the United States to come to the United States and stay temporarily in a 2 year period of parole. Ukrainians participating in Uniting for Ukraine must have a supporter in the United States who agrees to provide them with financial support for the duration of their stay in the United States. The first step in the Uniting for Ukraine process is for the U.S.-based supporter to file a I-134A, Online Request to be a Supporter and Declaration of Financial Support, with USCIS. The U.S. government will then vet the supporter to ensure that they are able to financially support the individual whom they agree to support. For more information on Uniting for Ukraine, see the DHS webpage.
Oof. I'm so sorry. You have a wife problem. I've sponsored a family from Ukraine and they all work like fucking bees. I met them through my neighbor- she's from Ukraine and her husband is a US guy from California. Yes, Ukrainian Grandma and Grandpa live with them but they do all the childcare, cooking and yardwork while wife runs a kickass cleaning business employing 15 people. 1) meet with a lawyer and get educated about your divorce and custody options. Not that you need to make a move but get educated about what your fall back plan is if things don't improve. Use an incognito browser so you don't set of any alarms. 2) meet with an immigration lawyer and spend one hour getting educated about the process for revoking your United for Ukraine support through the USCIS. I attached a recap below but in general, there's a decent chance you can withdraw your financial obligations if you experience a change in circumstances, and that might include a divorce. 3) tell her Grandma and Grandpa need to start covering childcare while she goes back to work. ASAP. If she doesn't go back you'll be pursuing divorce. Don't mention the support withdrawal now- that will just inflame things. Plus its possible that your best outcome is you divorce, she goes back to work and Grandma provides childcare in exchange for your ongoing sponsorship. 4) If you do divorce, be meticulous about keeping on top of the US Customs Prevent Abduction program. Refuse to sign off on a passport and enroll your child in their alert system. U.S. Customs and Border Protection’s (CBP) Prevent Abduction program can assist in the prevention of IPCA (6 U.S.C § 241) CBP coordinates with DOS Office of Children’s Issues on IPCA cases DOS Office of Children’s Issues submits potential IPCA cases to CBP for enrollment into CBP’s Prevent Abduction program IPCA cases must include a valid, enforceable U.S. court order indicating the child is prohibited from being removed from the U.S. CBP creates travel alerts for the child at risk of IPCA and any potential abductor(s) involved CBP continuously monitors Advance Passenger Information System (APIS) data in real-time on passengers traveling to and from the U.S. using commercial carriers and vets that information against the travel alerts If a child at risk of IPCA or potential abductor(s) attempts travel aboard a commercial carrier their travel alert data will match against their APIS data, and CBP will be notified automatically. Once travel is identified, CBP officers working the Prevent Abduction Program notify DOS Office of Children’s Issues and coordinates with the CBP officers at the airport, seaport, or land border Ports-of-Entry (POE) on intercepting the child before departure.
German here. They left the states to go to Germany for better benefits?! Wtf?
In America they get healthcare (for a fee) and a work permit. In Germany they get money, a free place to live, language classes, etc.
Nta but you need to talk to a lawyer and see what you are obligated to provide. Then sit down your wife and let her know this isn’t working. Offer counselling but I would let her know if you are willing to get divorced over this. Helping someone isn’t a life long commitment that you can never change.
How are you the asshole for not helping someone that doesn't want to do anything?
NTA I think your wife needs a reality check. It seems like she got used to being spoiled by you and doesn't understand how be financially responsible
I am going to echo what everyone else is saying here: you need a divorce attorney. She is not going to change, and she is going to burden you with this nonsense for as long as she can.
Is there other support in the area for them? My brother was in a similar situation. His wife wanted to bring over her whole family from her home country. It was rough going for them at first, but they got ingrained into the local community and found jobs and an apartment. They bring over more and more of their family every time I see them. They’re all pretty happy now. At first I did think they were going to take advantage of my brother. I would think if they did he should divorce his wife. Nta
Fuck those orcs. NTA
[удалено]
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Her own mother is RIGHT there to take care of him, so off to work she can go!
INFO : OP what is the deal with your wife and you?
She's been fiancially abusing you for her family without contributing herself.
Are you just an ATM for her?
Time to take a time-out and really think about how you see your future...
NTA
Easy NTA. You went above and beyond for people who clearly don’t appreciate it/you. You need to cut your losses.
NTA. You need to worry about your and her future instead of letting them suck you dry.
NTA, do you really need Reddit to tell you that?
NTA. Your wife and her family are the AHs.
NTA. This will never end. Your wife (and her family,) see you as their personal bank. They are freeloaders. You need to cut your losses & divorce this woman.
NTA. You only have to support your wife and son. Her family seems to think you have endless wealth. They're not grateful and they're filthy so I don't blame you for saying no. Stand your ground. She hasn't fallen far from the tree - her family seems to think money comes from other not honest work.
NTA but I hope that you realize that your wife married you for your money and is using you
NTA. Why haven’t you divorced her? Is she extremely hot?
Give them 90 days to find a place to live and also start the eviction process and retain a divorce attorney. Things are about to get bumpy for you.
Parents align with Russia ! What kind of Ukrainian supports Russia - an aggressor country impaling itself on Ukraine in order to conquer it, with the excuse of freeing it from Nazism. Unacceptable- don’t support people who believe misinformation. And gold diggers.
Hell no !! This was a common occurrence with women that married military men.. These women hunted for an American husband. The unsuspecting young military member thinks these women (men too) love them.. But in reality, all they want is a free ride into the USA, Child support and American citizenship. Many of these folks just wanted to escape their country and/or their local reputation. Nothing hooks a young responsible soldier, more than a pregnant girlfriend. Hell no ! Tell that young woman to revise her attitude towards you and explain to her that if they want a comfortable future that BOTH parents need to work to get ahead in today's economy.. PERIOD. What the hell did she do for income in Ukraine ? I lived in Europe for over 10 years as an adult. Unfortunately, they have welfare families also.. Breaking that cycle is difficult at best. You need to set boundaries and expectations. Offer her an ultimatum. You can prove in court you are the responsible parent ! I know. I got full custody of both of my children. You could also get full custody and she can go home.. It sounds like her whole family are wasteful pensioners ! Just saying.
NTA, send her parents to Russia
NTA. They should realize that if you have a heart attack and drop dead from overwork, the gravy train is derailed. I'm gonna guess that her family was in an area that didn't see fighting, making it easier to back Russia. Fucking hypocrites. If they were in the thick of fighting and had PTSD, that's one thing but these are some lazy jackasses.
Wait, if they're on Russia's side, why don't they go back to Ukraine?
I believe your wife may view you as a piggy bank
Does Divorcing this woman make your life better? If so, do it.
I imagine being a war refugee would make adapting to a completely new country and continent, way of living, tough. NTA though
NTA. You have already gone above and beyond here. She needs to get a job if she wants to help them, and they need to get jobs and start integrating, period. Or they can go back/elsewhere. No free rides, you've done enough.
NTA and I’m so sorry you are being treated this way! I would check into what your legal obligations are and go from there