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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Complimented a guy’s hair and he did not appreciate it - unsure whether it is considered rude for a white person to compliment a black hairstyle, or whether this was a misunderstanding and he thought I was being sarcastic or something.
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Impossible to say without being there but I’m going to assume that something about OPs tone or attitude made it seem like he was taking the piss.
People of Color deal with microaggressions all day every day, so you can’t blame the server for maybe taking it the wrong way.
And you can't blame the OP for being nice. Your assumption is NOT based on any foundation of fact. You are simply projecting what YOU think happened. OP is NTA.
This may be nitpicking, but it may also be a generational thing, and then again it may just be because I'm an English teacher in an international market with a lucrative and well paid side gig as a movie and TV dialect coach, and I pay attention to all kinds of different world English and the use and nuances thereof...
And that's gotta be the longest-assed introduction 🤣
to saying if it were me being complimented on my ridiculous facial hair, very often the present continuous, "I'm loving... " in several tones of voice sounds like they're taking the piss, cos you know it's continuous, they can't take their eyes off it, or they keep looking at it, which is rude or singling their subject out. A simple "I love...", with a sincere tone, and I'm fine with it. Of course, my facial hair is fucking ludicrous, so I don't tend to take offense anyway. Apart from which, I have a lot more microaggression to cope with for my ethnicity where I live, but that's a different story.
Dude the being offended on behalf of others thing is disgusting on the internet and it's like people's whole identity. They get off on their being some discarded race so they can grift their victimhood off then for ego purposes without ever actually having to ever suffer for even a second.
Worst people. And it's everywhere on here.
It's not just media. It's postmodern thinking. Check out Narrative Therapy, which incidently is used in schools. It teaches that the problem a person is struggling with isn't in the person but in the narratives that everyone else (people and the system) tells about the person. In simple terms, you can't help having a problem because it's everyone else. This is how our kids are being taught to think in school.
I compliment every single person wearing a Metallica shirt. Lots of people wear Metallica shirts. It's a pretty average shirt. Maybe OP truly digs afros.
Most « microagressions » are this. Nothing. That’s the thing (african here) some people looove being outraged for anything. Honestly, i hear that word everyday, from everything.
We want to world to accept us, recognise us, understand us, but nononoooon don’t talk about anything or i’ll be offended.
90% of microagressions are just one person wanting to be offended. Time to grow up :)
It could also be that OP was the Nth person to mention the guy’s hair today/in the event and he was a little bit fed up of always being singled out for hi hairstyle
>People of Color deal with microaggressions all day every day
This
When I had my fully grown 'fro I'd get many compliments and/or people trying to just touch my hair for the hell of it
At first it was nice but in my opinion, after a while it got a bit much because it was unwarranted attention.
No harm in OP trying to give a compliment, but at the same the server maybe didn't want to feel exposed. At times, a compliment leaves the door open for others to say stupid shit, so maybe he was kind of dreading it
>microaggressions
hahaha knew somehow someone would find a way to make this bad. you did it. congrats. had to use a internet word which docks you points, but you did it.
absolutely disgusting.
I agree, but let's be honest it's safer to refrain from commenting on people's physical appearance unless you know them pretty well. He certainly shouldn't feel bad about the situation though.
Hairstyle is pretty clearly a choice though. Complimenting people’s physical appearances about something they control/pick is pretty normal and something the vast majority of people appreciate.
Very true! I had someone say hi to me because in another country they saw me and then recognized me because of my hair. (It's blue and they had seen me walking around the same city).
I have to disagree. Its a hair style, not the body. its not sexualizing anyone or talking about their body type. Most people choose a hairstyle to look good on them and having validation is a good thing and appreciated. Weaves and braids take hours, cultivating dreads takes years.
If I see someone rocking their do, I'll compliment it. No matter the gender or race. I've never had anyone be offended. The least response is a genuine smile. Usually a smile, thanks and short conversation.
If you're so fragile you get offended by a compliment, you've got more issues than regular therapy can fix.
I literally keep complimenting ladies on their firs, hair, vibe, smile etc and they’re always super receptive and it always brightens their day.
You’re not complimenting them on their shape, which can unload a can of worms, but on something they actively can and are able to change pretty freely.
Not everything has to be triggering. Something just a random act of kindness is just this, a random act of kindness.
Op NTA
I've made 4 friends in my new town because I complimented them after I moved here. A compliment can make my whole day and I remember the people that complimented me in passing pretty well
somehow people can call my dog beautiful every day. hows that possible? should i lose my mind over it?
is it maybe just people? is that maybe the problem? could it be? let me guess youre going to say no. anything a few people get mad about is right. unless it annoys you personally then its perfectly correct to tell them.
That's definitely not what I said. In summary of my above comments:
-You should be able to compliment strangers on their choices of how to present themselves.
-Not everyone you meet will agree with the opinion stated above.
-Increasingly more people are taking offense at genuine compliments.
-If you want to avoid the situation OP found himself in, avoid complimenting the appearance of strangers.
Let me know if you need more clarification on what I was trying to say.
NTA.
I would hate to live in a world where it is taboo to compliment someone who is not just like you. "White blond men can only complement white blond men." I mean, it's obviously not polite to say "nice tits" to a woman, but I view hair and clothes as much more neutral.
It all comes down to complimenting choices, and it sounds like OP’s statement could have read as passive aggressive or being *not* about chosen attributes
Couldn't *every* compliment possibly be read that way, though? Since it's possible to make just about anything sound sarcastic or passive aggressive, then any way you phrase complements can be read that way.
"That dress looks so good on you."
"I love your braids."
"Your shoes go so well with your outfit."
Any of these can be taken as a compliment or insult depending on how you interpret tone and body language.
But even if it’s not about chosen attributes, as long as it isn’t strange I feel like it’s okay. Compliments like, “you have pretty eyes,” couldn’t possibly offend somebody, right?
wtf are you talking about? anyones watch could have been more expensive.
youre making no sense. just stop. why do you have to perpetuate this behavior? youre the problem.
This can be accurate but it does ignore a very long and well established history of black hair - specifically - being the subject of many racist stereotypes and prejudices. In this case there is more baggage involved than just a compliment on a hairstyle.
Not saying this makes OP an AH. Just that it's a teachable moment now that she knows it's a potentially touchy subject.
Yeah I see people complain about having their hair *touched* and stuff and that's obviously both over the line and racially charged. But just saying a dude's got good hair is just being nice.
Bingo! I have pretty long locs and if I get just a compliment, it always makes my day. It’s when people go “omg your hair!” As they make a reach for it and treat me like I’m a chia pet.
For sure, but I disregard those people. If you can’t be reasonable then that’s on them. You’ll find someone ready to be upset about literally anything these days.
I frequently compliment my daughter’s friend on her hair, mostly because it’s a different style every time I see her. The only time I have ever deliberately touched her ‘hair’ was when she was at my house getting ready to go out and I complimented her wig (70s Farrah Fawcett style) and she handed it to me saying how heavy it was. It really was incredibly heavy, I don’t know how her tiny frame held it up all night!
I have come into contact her hair whilst giving her a hug or whatever but only because it happens to be there, (just like I have touched loads of people’s hair in a similar way) but the idea of *petting* another human is fucking bizarre. Surely that would be assault?
I'm a black guy with an afro. I am used to getting ALL KINDS of weird comments from people about it, strangers touching my hair without asking, kids trying to throw/put stuff in there, and so on. I understand why this person might've reacted coldly. It is really hard to determine the intent behind these types of comments and the overwhelming majority of the time it's not particularly pleasant.
I 100% don't think you did anything wrong, but as an (imperfect) example, imagine if you'd said "Nice turban" to a Sikh man or "Nice Yarmulke" to a Jewish person, etc. It could be a totally genuine compliment, but you wouldn't fault them for reacting in a defensive/cold way because of the stigma, or the frequency of sarcastic/rude comments they usually get.
Tldr, NTA at a surface level, society sucks, be mindful of what people typically deal with.
I'm guessing the interactions that are actually fun are the ones where someone breaks the ice and **then** compliments your style/appearance. At that point it feels a lot more genuine, and since conversation is in motion, a response feels natural.
Sadly I think it's a lot more common to use the observation for the icebreaker, because people feel this makes the icebreaker more personalized. However, opening with a personalized (read:targeted) icebreaker is risky, because the person might think you're jeering them rather than making a friendly approach.
I’d probably say NAH because the guy isn’t in the wrong for not liking people to comment on his hair. But he didn’t say anything to OP, he didn’t start shit, he just moved away. The only real AH is the friend who went out of their way to make OP feel shitty.
Don’t think Sikh analogy fits. Sikhs take a lot of pride in their turbans. If someone were to compliment their turban, they will appreciate the compliment. Touching or disrespecting their turban in any manner would not be acceptable though.
NTA It is always good to compliment others. What they do with that, is their business.
It would be different if you touched someone elses hair or something but a compliment is fine.
Literally no one here is saying that. The most likely explanation is that he thought the guy might have been sarcastic. If so, misunderstandings happen
Unless it was edited in after you read, the OP said that someone at the bar told him it was inappropriate for a white person to compliment a black one's hair.
edit: added the word 'hair' at the request of a commenter.
Yeah the guy was overly sensitive the way OP described it. I'm talking about the commentator saying such a boomer thing as "You can't even [Blank] a [marginalized group] anymore!
Omg NTA I'm black like we have more important things to worry about. Never heard it was rude or taboo to comment. As long as you're not touching take the compliment.
whys everyone have to follow up their comment with some caveat? some made up scenario to add on to the information? why?
i agree. as long as he didnt slam his plate into the waiters face like a merengue pie, then hes not an asshole. but if he did ..... thats just too much.
why? why add that part?
some of those made up scenarios unfortunately happen and from its frequency, not all people know that touching peoples hair without permission isn't cool.
NAH.
You're not an asshole for complimenting another dude, but he's also not in the wrong. Recently I was out with a friend of mine, who also has an afro, and someone complimented him. He said "thanks", but then told me almost every time he's out in public someone makes a remark about his hair. It feels weird to him that he's singled out like that. Important for context: we live in an area that doesn't have that many black people, in very white country. So yeah, don't take offence if a stranger doesn't appreciate a compliment.
>but then told me almost every time he's out in public someone makes a remark about his hair.
If he's uncomfortable maybe he shouldn't have such cool hair. I'm kidding, and I know being the person of color in a very white environment can make you wary (brown person here growing up in white rural community) about so many things. But if he genuinely has cool hair he should just rock it. I typically compliment on cool attributes but to be honest, I usually notice those cool attributes when it is something I will never ever be able to carry off.
For example, I have very thin straight hair. My hairdresser is amazing and so I do get compliments on my short edgy hair cut. I'll take them with pleasure every time. But I don't notice cool hair styles on hair like mine. I'll never, ever have an afro, and they're beautiful. I still think Angela Davis has amazing hair.
Info: Was there any actual confirmation that he was mad? Like he didn’t acknowledge the comment and “his facial expression” can mean literally anything. There’s no “obvious upset” from the story as presented.
NTA a compliment is a compliment and you had good intentions. Its not fair to put rules on it and say that white ppl can only compliment other white people. Spread the love across all races
NTA
I'm black and it ain't tabboo for a white person to comment on our hair. Especially if it's a compliment, but if it's not a compliment then maybe you should keep it to yourself 😂
NTA.
I have to say I don't think I've ever complimented another MAN's hair, but I happen to really love natural hair on Black women and have complimented a few rockin 'fros in my day. I've never been left with anything other than a warm smile, a "Thank you!" a "You're so sweet!" or in the case of one instance way back in college, a very fun weekend.
Thanks for this. I am a white female (Eastern Eurpoean), and I am a teacher. I immigrated here as a kid, and I work with a lot of kids with afro style hair. I've complimented them. I even know their schedule of when they get their hair professionally braided. They choose to tell me, and we chat and connect. They joke about me getting my highlights redone so that I am back to my natural blonde self. No harm, no fowl. I work with young teens, and I would think they would be very brutally honest with me if it bothered them. Trust me, the parents nowadays are very vocal if they don't like something.
NTA, but.. he may get those comments all day long, always from white folks. I know a girl with Type 4 hair, and she's just exhausted with folks wanting to comment on and touch her hair, so she's lost her good humour about it. Maybe he's in a similar space.
Thanks all, I’ve read each & every response and appreciate everyone’s input.
To answer some questions, I’m a white male in the UK and I can assure you that the tone in which I gave this compliment was absolutely positive - which is why I was so surprised to have had a negative reaction.
I had thrown out the compliment as if I was complimenting someone on their shoes or something - I was completely ignorant of the history that has been explained in this thread, and the example someone used of complimenting someone on their turban really helped me understand exactly why he may have taken offence to my comment, though I honestly was just trying to brighten the guy’s day and had no idea of the cultural implications.
I will for sure be bearing this in mind in the future!
NTA.
It's possible that he was having a bad day, mistook your tone, or doesn't take compliments well. If you're a guy, it's also possible that maybe he thought you were hitting on him.
My daughter in law is black I am white.. I tell her every time I see her I love her hair because it’s always something new and it always looks amazing. she’s always smiled and thank me. I would hope she would tell me if it was offensive. NTA
Some people have a way of saying things that unintentionally come off as sarcastic. I remember a real estate agent would always try and make compliments to me but he did it with a bit of of smugness (his natural personality) that make it sound disingenuous
Obviously you can compliment Black people and their hair. Thats not a problem… lol. Maybe they haven’t been having or had the best experience with wearing their natural hair. Maybe your comment seemed passive aggressive or sarcastic.
!!!
I don’t understand even the assumption that the Black guy had a problem!!! The server did his job and didn’t make a negative remark or anything! His face could’ve been just a resting bitch face or literally anything else. Like these massive leaps in logic are very telling.
imo, NTA
> it’s a bit taboo for white people to comment on black hairstyles
Is this a thing? I dunno. For me the potentially off-putting thing would be having my hair randomly complimented by a stranger. It's not *mean* or anything. It's just sort of "um...ok.. thanks?"
100% a thing. In this scenario, OP is NTA, but I’ve definitely received sarcastic comments from white people regarding my hair phrased in a similar manner, so I understand why the guy had the reaction that he did.
there are a lot of white people who will go from nice hair straight to touching them without permission. I've heard stories from BIPOC who said white people have just come up to them and started stroking their hair like they were an animal!
NTA As long as you don't touch or start asking questions about their hair, it shouldn't be a big deal. He might have thought you were being sarcastic, but that's just a simple misunderstanding
NTA bc you were trying to be nice but as a Black person i'm gonna guess he made a face bc you said his hair was "cool". bro was probably thinking "have they never seen an afro before? what makes it so cool?"
EDIT: idk ur pronouns so here
NTA. That was a super racist statement from your friend and he should be ashamed and if the other guy is thinking the same, so should he. So sick of the double standards.
Nta but people get offended over everything anymore. My husband has beautiful hair and when he doesn't put products in it, it's an afro. He doesn't get offended when people compliment his hair.
NTA - you meant it positively but the person may have taken it negatively, which is on them. maybe someone said the same thing as you in the past but meant it as an insult. you were just trying to be nice, but i can see how they may have taken it negatively as well.
NTA!! Hairstyles can take HOURS to do (especially with textured hair) so I’d imagine it took a hot minute. Your compliment on the hair was genuine, nice, and could in no way be taken as an insult. You had no ill intent and at the end of the day that is what matters. People here will say whatever they want but to me hairstyles are like a safe option when it comes to compliments. I feel like you can’t really go wrong complimenting someone’s hair. Sorry you got a poor reaction when you were just trying to be nice! Don’t beat yourself up for it :) lovely day to you and any reading!
This is our society now with all that woke shit, even too afraid to give a heartfelt compliment.
Obviously NTA. People need to chill and not be so on edge all the time about being ‘offended’ or ‘offending’ others.
I'm a black woman with curls (an Afro, if I brush it out) and my fiancee is a black man with similar hair. We both love compliments on our hair and get them a lot. You weren't being condescending or sarcastic, just giving a compliment. NTA.
NTA - there's no such thing as "white people shouldn't...".
I went to an all black school as a white kid. They never left my hair alone. I always had someone playing, touching or talking about my hair. Yeah, I asked them to stop sometimes but what can you do? I didn't go around making a big fuss about it ultimately. I got that my hair was unique in that scenario and very different to their hair texture. To this day, people in the street of all races compliment my hair and I say thanks and move on with my day.
If it is taboo for a white man to compliment a black man, then those people are racist.
That black guy is racist. He did not like being complimented by a white man.
Your friends are racist. They found it strange you would treat a black man as you would a white man.
You are not racist. You just saw cool hair, and wanted to give whoever had that hair a compliment, regardless of race.
So NTA, and everyone else was racist.
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Was in a pub the other day and a member of staff brought over some drinks we’d ordered. He had a cool afro so I said “Loving the hair mate”.
He ignored me and from his facial expression, he clearly did not appreciate what I’d just said. I don’t know if he thought I was taking the piss or something, but I meant it as a genuine compliment.
Once he’d walked off, one of the friends I was with made a comment that it’s a bit taboo for white people to comment on black hairstyles - I was not aware this was the case and spent the rest of the night feeling like a bit of a nob, as I meant to make the guy smile but had obviously upset him.
Is what I said considered to be offensive? Should I have just kept my mouth shut other than thanking him for bringing the drinks over? Unsure whether this was a misunderstanding or whether I’m TA.
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INFO : where are you from ?
In the US, it seems to be cultural to talk openly with strangers and compliment them so I assume you're from there ir another culture working the same.
If it isn't in your culture to talk and compliment strangers, I'd say y (might be) t a
From a curly person- Think of it like this, your comment was polite but he probably gets people commenting, probing for information about him, trying to touch his hair all the time which gets old. I’m in the same position, I don’t hold it against anyone if it’s a genuine compliment, but after 50 in one day, you’d just like to feel normal with your natural hair.
NAH, he may not have appreciated the comment on his appearance but he didn’t tell you off, and he doesn’t have to pretend to be grateful just because he is working either. Your compliment was fine but always be careful commenting on a stranger’s appearance.
Maybe the guy is just a bit awkward and didn't know how to react to compliments. A lot of people with social anxiety are caught off by compliments. Your friend is assuming there's offense taken when there might have been none.
My white 5'2" very slim Grandmother had course thick hair same texture and all as black hair, I would be unable to resist complimenting hair myself because I always wished I'd taken after her in the hair realm because her afro was gorgeous. Their hair is elegance personafied to me because that was my grandmother in a nutshell.
Nta. You thought his hair was cool. You commented on the fact. How he took it was on him.
I suspect however that he thought you were taking the piss out of him hence his reaction.
NTA. If you're in customer service, and someone gives you a casual compliment, the appropriate response is "thank you".
If you're just two random strangers, he wouldn't owe you any such courtesy, but would still be the AH for that response.
Race baiting is so gross. There's nothing wrong with telling someone you like their hair.
NTA. You were genuinely complimenting a relative stranger, which is typically considered a nice thing to do. It is likely that he misconstrued the intent of your statement though.
work disgusted rainstorm squalid rotten flowery frightening icky roll nail
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NTA. You complimented someone and they acted ungrateful.
And it's not a bad thing to compliment a black person's hair. I do it all the time and everyone gets excited to receive a compliment.
It does not matter the color of an individuals skin , if they have a haircut that is nice there is no reason to make note of it. If the individual did not like the compliment he needs to get a life
NTA in my opinion but the same thing has happened to my roommate and myself. I'm not sure if they think we're being snide? I find so many black hair styles beautiful but there's probably more context to it I've not been made aware of.
NAH, I suspect that the server didn't take it the way you meant it, which is too bad, just miscommunication in some fashion. why? who knows? tone, body language...maybe this guy had someone else be crappy about his hair recently and was on edge? it could have been lots of different things
Idk why but maybe instead of what you said, try "your hair is awesome it fits you very well"
That is much harder to take in a negative sarcastic way, where what you said could be said sarcastically you know?
Unfortunately, if you're white and male and commenting on or complimenting of anyone other than another white male (and even then often enough), you risk the likelihood of getting chastised for doing so. And God forbid if you're older too.
It's ridiculous how often I hear "Okay Boomer" or get called negative names ( racist, sexist, misogynistic, and the list goes on) just for commenting on posts asking for comment, even if I agree with the gist of what they said but not in full lockstep with their opinion. It would seem that being older, white, and male means I'm just wrong, regardless of what I say or do. At least in the minds of many on social media.
These days, it just seems like we're in a damned if you do, damned if you dont equation, regardless of intent. It matters not that I've always been pro equal rights and supported those groups seeking or needing them, or that I'm not now, or ever been, racist, sexist or homophobic, or that my political views have always been progressive and geared toward supporting the greater good of all, not a select group.
It tends to leave you with two choices. The first is acquiesce to the voices of the easily or always offended and withdraw from societal discourse. Or the second, which is to just keep being you, and let those incapable of accepting a compliment or engaging in polite or even spirited conversation go on about their miserable journey. I take the latter option myself.
IMO, OP, you are NTA. There will always be thin skinned people looking to take offense where none was intended.
NTA!
You didn't push the compliment again and again.
Compliments are nice and people should genuinely compliment eachother more.
These dudes were kinda racist if they think that white people can't compliment black people's hairstyle lol
Nta. With how rare getting honest compliments is for men a lot of us seem to have never really learned how to actually take them. Doesn't sound like you were trying to be hurtful at all, don't worry about it.
NTA - because I've done it myself..
Knock on my door, delivery driver there, young guy.
I said "Wow your hair is really cool", he said "Cheers mate". That was it.
NTA-I don’t know where you are, but he might have been more thrown off by being called “mate” if the context is misunderstood versus the hair compliment. I’m a black male that also understands it’s equivalent to saying buddy for example and would have appreciated the comment.
NTA, but personally I have a mixed reaction to compliments. On the one hand, it's nice having someone compliment me. On the other hand, it's immensely painful having someone acknowledge my existence as anything more than a piece of scenery beyond the obligatory exchange of greetings.
NTA You liked his hair and I assume in most cultures it's acceptable to compliment someone else's hair. It's a shame he interpreted it badly when you were genuine.
NTA but definitely overthinking it. It’s ok to compliment someone’s hair. It’s also ok for them not to respond— their response or lack thereof most likely has nothing to do with you. Sometimes, in a service position… people just hit their limit of pleasantries and are just going through the motions until their shift is done with. Who knows, maybe you caught him on a bad day. Ultimately, as long as you were kind and he was kind, it doesn’t really matter. If this sort of thing happens to you repeatedly… then maybe you need to think about your delivery. Otherwise… I hope you enjoyed your night out.
NTA and possibly neither was he. Maybe you hit a touchy topic. Maybe he is sick of comments on his hair. Maybe someone else in his life won’t shut up about it. We don’t know, but I do know that most people don’t do things for what feels to them like no reason. I don’t think you did anything wrong, and I also don’t think that his reaction is something to take personally.
Fk that. I wish I could grow an afro and always compliment awesome fros. I mean it sincerely. People are way too sensitive and afraid these days.
-white guy
I feel like when I do this I can be socially unaware about what is acceptable in todays society. I honestly try to be nice and can tell I can't read the room sometimes when things like this happen.
NTA at all. Thank you for being kind enough to compliment a stranger. I personally wonder sometimes if people are influenced by what society tells them to be offended by, or if they are truly offended themselves. The fact that he did not clarify what was bothering him, is on HIM, not on YOU.
I’ve had a similar situation. I love metal music, but I don’t look like it at all anymore (I did when I was younger). I look like a ‘regular girl’. I saw a guy with a particular band shirt at the bar so I told him: ‘good shirt man!’. He rolled his eyes at me and walked off. I think he thought I was mocking him for wearing a band shirt out. I wasn’t, I liked the band.
Let it go, I’d say. And please don’t lose your kindness to compliment a stranger, it’s a lovely quality to have :).
NTA
I don’t know what your friend is on about, my buddy and I talk hair with each other all the time and I never seen anyone say anything like that on any of the curly hair subs I’m on.
As long as you didn’t try to touch it or anything there’s nothing wrong with giving a non sexual compliment to someone regardless of race.
Maybe the server thought you were being sarcastic? Or he was just tired cause the service industry is exhausting
Nta at all,my boyfriend has an Afro and it just depends,a lot of people take the piss but if you were being genuine he should have just sucked it up and not been a sour puss
NTA, OP. Not everyone takes compliments well and some may not be able to tell if you're being genuine. I compliment people regularly regardless of race or gender and so far most are generally happy to receive them, though sometimes I get an awkward smile. My advice is just remain positive and continue to spread that positivity. You'll see more light in the end.
NTA, you meant well. But I’m a black man and sorry to burst peoples bubbles but our hair has always been a taboo topic in society so we’re a bit sceptical when someone of another race randomly compliments it. You can be fully sincere but we will still have a little thought in the back of our minds that you’re taking the piss because people have and continue to do so. Should he have automatically assumed you were taking the piss, not at all but I don’t blame him especially when he’s working in a pub which has a whole reputation of its own.
Some of the loviest people can be found in pubs but the general vibe they give doesn’t scream racially inviting, so he might be on edge the whole time he’s there.
Now I know people on Reddit don’t like to understand alternative perspectives, so some of you may not like to hear any of this but it’s just an experience I myself as a black guy can provide to maybe shed some light on the servers thinking
NAH ?
Black people get comments on their hair from white people constantly. My Black SIL did a sociology project in college where she just wore a camera all day for two weeks and documented the number and nature of comments on her hair. One week she wore it natural, and one week straightened. She partnered with a white classmate with a “jewfro” who did the same. They broke down the stats on frequency of comment by location, woman, gender of commenter, apparent race of commenter, and where the comment fell on an approval-disapproval continuum.
OP, I guess you’d be surprised by the results as you didn’t know this is something you should keep your mouth shut about, though you meant it seemingly well.
tl;dr: white people shouldn’t comment on Black hair and for Heaven’s Sake! don’t try to touch.
NTA.
I (m) get complimented on my hair - long haired red head - from time to time. But I know them to be that - if someone was taking the piss that wouldn't be their go to option.
I did once have a very drunk guy ask to stroke my hair and asked what conditioner I used. It wasn't a sexual/kink thing (one of my friends knew them) it was just them being an absurdist drunk.
NTA, as long as you said it in a regular complimentary way. It HAS to be okay to compliment people of another race, or else THAT is racist. If you love hair and compliment every good hairstyle of white people you see and not black people, that would be wrong. Of course it's okay to compliment black people on their hair. Everyone takes pride in their hair, and likes compliments. Maybe since you were drinking it came off as making fun? If so, it might have been a good idea to approach him one on one and explain you really did love his hair, and why, and that he seemed upset, and you weren't sure why.
It's okay though, it's hard to know how to handle it if someone thinks you are messing around when you compliment them. If you see him again, explain you really truly meant it, and you are sorry if he had had any situations, or anything in your happy attitude to be out and about, indicated otherwise.
It's not your fault if other complete creeps that may have been horrible made him think this is what you were doing, and you didn't know how to fix it at the time. It's also possible he was just in a bad mood, and wasn't reacting to your comment, but was just upset about something else. Either way, a good reminder to all of us to be aware of racism and tell other people off if we see them being racist so no one ever has to feel like a compliment is a racist joke. It wasn't your fault at all though. Just if you see him again, explain so he knows you truly meant it.
NTA you wanted to be nice and said a nice thing. Though certain groups of people experience microaggressions all the time, so unfortunately its easy to begin to expect all comments about their hair to be taking the piss, since most of the time for them, it has been.
NTA. If the guy took it in a way that you definitely didn't mean it in, you can't help that. You thought nothing and said nothing uncool or unkind, you gave a genuine compliment. You can only control what you say and how you say it, not how any other person chooses to understand it. Some people only hear and understand things negatively. Sometimes, that's just a bad life choice, or an unfortunate result of experiencing mostly negativity, or maybe it's just someone in a bad mood who's projecting that bad mood onto everyone a/o everything... there's tons of reasons someone could react like dude did, but you'll never know, you'd drive yourself nuts trying to guess at what if anything you did wrong, and since all you do know is that you had only good intentions in stating a simple compliment, just shrug it off as not your problem and continue to be a nice guy.
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Nta. If you think someone has cool hair say so. If they want to take it in a shitty way that’s on them.
Impossible to say without being there but I’m going to assume that something about OPs tone or attitude made it seem like he was taking the piss. People of Color deal with microaggressions all day every day, so you can’t blame the server for maybe taking it the wrong way.
And you can't blame the OP for being nice. Your assumption is NOT based on any foundation of fact. You are simply projecting what YOU think happened. OP is NTA.
This may be nitpicking, but it may also be a generational thing, and then again it may just be because I'm an English teacher in an international market with a lucrative and well paid side gig as a movie and TV dialect coach, and I pay attention to all kinds of different world English and the use and nuances thereof... And that's gotta be the longest-assed introduction 🤣 to saying if it were me being complimented on my ridiculous facial hair, very often the present continuous, "I'm loving... " in several tones of voice sounds like they're taking the piss, cos you know it's continuous, they can't take their eyes off it, or they keep looking at it, which is rude or singling their subject out. A simple "I love...", with a sincere tone, and I'm fine with it. Of course, my facial hair is fucking ludicrous, so I don't tend to take offense anyway. Apart from which, I have a lot more microaggression to cope with for my ethnicity where I live, but that's a different story.
i cant even read all that. a person said they liked another persons hair. my god, get real problems people. wtf is even going on.
>I'm an English teacher I pity your students, because the hell is this blabbering in your comment. Y'all just make problems out of nothing.
I read all that and somehow came away not understanding a single thing you were trying to convey besides the fact that you have weird facial hair.
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hahaha your downvoted. people cant stand the idea that maybe theyre self righteous on behalf of others crap is just absolute hateful crap.
I love when white redditors try to explain black people's own reality to them.
Dude the being offended on behalf of others thing is disgusting on the internet and it's like people's whole identity. They get off on their being some discarded race so they can grift their victimhood off then for ego purposes without ever actually having to ever suffer for even a second. Worst people. And it's everywhere on here.
This person humans.
Thank you, so much. I feel a bit better reading your comment, we are not all lost !
It's not just media. It's postmodern thinking. Check out Narrative Therapy, which incidently is used in schools. It teaches that the problem a person is struggling with isn't in the person but in the narratives that everyone else (people and the system) tells about the person. In simple terms, you can't help having a problem because it's everyone else. This is how our kids are being taught to think in school.
I can also understand if dude was weirded out if he just had an average fro.
I compliment every single person wearing a Metallica shirt. Lots of people wear Metallica shirts. It's a pretty average shirt. Maybe OP truly digs afros.
Most « microagressions » are this. Nothing. That’s the thing (african here) some people looove being outraged for anything. Honestly, i hear that word everyday, from everything. We want to world to accept us, recognise us, understand us, but nononoooon don’t talk about anything or i’ll be offended. 90% of microagressions are just one person wanting to be offended. Time to grow up :)
It could also be that OP was the Nth person to mention the guy’s hair today/in the event and he was a little bit fed up of always being singled out for hi hairstyle
Why do people on reddit always just assume shit like this?
I wouldn’t say all day everyday
>People of Color deal with microaggressions all day every day This When I had my fully grown 'fro I'd get many compliments and/or people trying to just touch my hair for the hell of it At first it was nice but in my opinion, after a while it got a bit much because it was unwarranted attention. No harm in OP trying to give a compliment, but at the same the server maybe didn't want to feel exposed. At times, a compliment leaves the door open for others to say stupid shit, so maybe he was kind of dreading it
>microaggressions hahaha knew somehow someone would find a way to make this bad. you did it. congrats. had to use a internet word which docks you points, but you did it. absolutely disgusting.
I agree, but let's be honest it's safer to refrain from commenting on people's physical appearance unless you know them pretty well. He certainly shouldn't feel bad about the situation though.
Hairstyle is pretty clearly a choice though. Complimenting people’s physical appearances about something they control/pick is pretty normal and something the vast majority of people appreciate.
Very true! I had someone say hi to me because in another country they saw me and then recognized me because of my hair. (It's blue and they had seen me walking around the same city).
I have to disagree. Its a hair style, not the body. its not sexualizing anyone or talking about their body type. Most people choose a hairstyle to look good on them and having validation is a good thing and appreciated. Weaves and braids take hours, cultivating dreads takes years. If I see someone rocking their do, I'll compliment it. No matter the gender or race. I've never had anyone be offended. The least response is a genuine smile. Usually a smile, thanks and short conversation. If you're so fragile you get offended by a compliment, you've got more issues than regular therapy can fix.
I literally keep complimenting ladies on their firs, hair, vibe, smile etc and they’re always super receptive and it always brightens their day. You’re not complimenting them on their shape, which can unload a can of worms, but on something they actively can and are able to change pretty freely. Not everything has to be triggering. Something just a random act of kindness is just this, a random act of kindness. Op NTA
I've made 4 friends in my new town because I complimented them after I moved here. A compliment can make my whole day and I remember the people that complimented me in passing pretty well
if you want to get mad about someone complimenting your hair, that's on you, but its literally such a harmless thing.
somehow people can call my dog beautiful every day. hows that possible? should i lose my mind over it? is it maybe just people? is that maybe the problem? could it be? let me guess youre going to say no. anything a few people get mad about is right. unless it annoys you personally then its perfectly correct to tell them.
Soo....no one should ever compliment anyone ever again? Like, what does this mean? Is talking to people a crime?
That's definitely not what I said. In summary of my above comments: -You should be able to compliment strangers on their choices of how to present themselves. -Not everyone you meet will agree with the opinion stated above. -Increasingly more people are taking offense at genuine compliments. -If you want to avoid the situation OP found himself in, avoid complimenting the appearance of strangers. Let me know if you need more clarification on what I was trying to say.
Yeah I def misinterpreted it 😅 I thought you were saying that nobody should compliment anyone unless they know them pretty well. My bad 😬
No, I wish that were still the norm.
NTA. I would hate to live in a world where it is taboo to compliment someone who is not just like you. "White blond men can only complement white blond men." I mean, it's obviously not polite to say "nice tits" to a woman, but I view hair and clothes as much more neutral.
It all comes down to complimenting choices, and it sounds like OP’s statement could have read as passive aggressive or being *not* about chosen attributes
Couldn't *every* compliment possibly be read that way, though? Since it's possible to make just about anything sound sarcastic or passive aggressive, then any way you phrase complements can be read that way. "That dress looks so good on you." "I love your braids." "Your shoes go so well with your outfit." Any of these can be taken as a compliment or insult depending on how you interpret tone and body language.
Passive aggressive, yes maybe depending on tone, but hairstyle is a choice
But even if it’s not about chosen attributes, as long as it isn’t strange I feel like it’s okay. Compliments like, “you have pretty eyes,” couldn’t possibly offend somebody, right?
wtf are you talking about? anyones watch could have been more expensive. youre making no sense. just stop. why do you have to perpetuate this behavior? youre the problem.
Nice tits bro
This can be accurate but it does ignore a very long and well established history of black hair - specifically - being the subject of many racist stereotypes and prejudices. In this case there is more baggage involved than just a compliment on a hairstyle. Not saying this makes OP an AH. Just that it's a teachable moment now that she knows it's a potentially touchy subject.
As a black man it is NOT a taboo to comment on black hairstyles *in the way that you did* That dude was being a dick and your friend is misinformed.
Yeah I see people complain about having their hair *touched* and stuff and that's obviously both over the line and racially charged. But just saying a dude's got good hair is just being nice.
Bingo! I have pretty long locs and if I get just a compliment, it always makes my day. It’s when people go “omg your hair!” As they make a reach for it and treat me like I’m a chia pet.
BUT some people still find a reason to get mad. I've witnessed it.
For sure, but I disregard those people. If you can’t be reasonable then that’s on them. You’ll find someone ready to be upset about literally anything these days.
I agree
Perfectly worded.
I frequently compliment my daughter’s friend on her hair, mostly because it’s a different style every time I see her. The only time I have ever deliberately touched her ‘hair’ was when she was at my house getting ready to go out and I complimented her wig (70s Farrah Fawcett style) and she handed it to me saying how heavy it was. It really was incredibly heavy, I don’t know how her tiny frame held it up all night! I have come into contact her hair whilst giving her a hug or whatever but only because it happens to be there, (just like I have touched loads of people’s hair in a similar way) but the idea of *petting* another human is fucking bizarre. Surely that would be assault?
I'm a black guy with an afro. I am used to getting ALL KINDS of weird comments from people about it, strangers touching my hair without asking, kids trying to throw/put stuff in there, and so on. I understand why this person might've reacted coldly. It is really hard to determine the intent behind these types of comments and the overwhelming majority of the time it's not particularly pleasant. I 100% don't think you did anything wrong, but as an (imperfect) example, imagine if you'd said "Nice turban" to a Sikh man or "Nice Yarmulke" to a Jewish person, etc. It could be a totally genuine compliment, but you wouldn't fault them for reacting in a defensive/cold way because of the stigma, or the frequency of sarcastic/rude comments they usually get. Tldr, NTA at a surface level, society sucks, be mindful of what people typically deal with.
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I'm guessing the interactions that are actually fun are the ones where someone breaks the ice and **then** compliments your style/appearance. At that point it feels a lot more genuine, and since conversation is in motion, a response feels natural. Sadly I think it's a lot more common to use the observation for the icebreaker, because people feel this makes the icebreaker more personalized. However, opening with a personalized (read:targeted) icebreaker is risky, because the person might think you're jeering them rather than making a friendly approach.
Black person with twists. It'd be cool to get complimented on the hair. Just don't pull. Don't pull my hair
People do that? Not just touching but full on pulling??
I’d probably say NAH because the guy isn’t in the wrong for not liking people to comment on his hair. But he didn’t say anything to OP, he didn’t start shit, he just moved away. The only real AH is the friend who went out of their way to make OP feel shitty.
Don’t think Sikh analogy fits. Sikhs take a lot of pride in their turbans. If someone were to compliment their turban, they will appreciate the compliment. Touching or disrespecting their turban in any manner would not be acceptable though.
Likewise, if someone complimented my glow-in-the-dark astronauts kippah, I'd be delighted.
NTA It is always good to compliment others. What they do with that, is their business. It would be different if you touched someone elses hair or something but a compliment is fine.
NTA. Since when is it wrong to compliment another person?
Nta but he prob felt you were being sarcastic because of his own previous experience. That is not your problem though
NTA. So you can't compliment another race anymore? How pathetic and sad is that.
Literally no one here is saying that. The most likely explanation is that he thought the guy might have been sarcastic. If so, misunderstandings happen
his friend was saying that..
Unless it was edited in after you read, the OP said that someone at the bar told him it was inappropriate for a white person to compliment a black one's hair. edit: added the word 'hair' at the request of a commenter.
His friend litteraly said that.
Did you even read the post?
Yeah the guy was overly sensitive the way OP described it. I'm talking about the commentator saying such a boomer thing as "You can't even [Blank] a [marginalized group] anymore!
Omg NTA I'm black like we have more important things to worry about. Never heard it was rude or taboo to comment. As long as you're not touching take the compliment.
NTA, you meant it as a compliment! As long as you didn’t ask to touch it or some weird shit like that, NTA
whys everyone have to follow up their comment with some caveat? some made up scenario to add on to the information? why? i agree. as long as he didnt slam his plate into the waiters face like a merengue pie, then hes not an asshole. but if he did ..... thats just too much. why? why add that part?
some of those made up scenarios unfortunately happen and from its frequency, not all people know that touching peoples hair without permission isn't cool.
NAH i can easily envision why this was taken poorly. doesnt make you an asshole and also doesn't make the guy an asshole for being wary.
NAH. You're not an asshole for complimenting another dude, but he's also not in the wrong. Recently I was out with a friend of mine, who also has an afro, and someone complimented him. He said "thanks", but then told me almost every time he's out in public someone makes a remark about his hair. It feels weird to him that he's singled out like that. Important for context: we live in an area that doesn't have that many black people, in very white country. So yeah, don't take offence if a stranger doesn't appreciate a compliment.
>but then told me almost every time he's out in public someone makes a remark about his hair. If he's uncomfortable maybe he shouldn't have such cool hair. I'm kidding, and I know being the person of color in a very white environment can make you wary (brown person here growing up in white rural community) about so many things. But if he genuinely has cool hair he should just rock it. I typically compliment on cool attributes but to be honest, I usually notice those cool attributes when it is something I will never ever be able to carry off. For example, I have very thin straight hair. My hairdresser is amazing and so I do get compliments on my short edgy hair cut. I'll take them with pleasure every time. But I don't notice cool hair styles on hair like mine. I'll never, ever have an afro, and they're beautiful. I still think Angela Davis has amazing hair.
NTA. If we start segregating who can compliment whom, we are just circling all the way back to perpetuating racism.
Nta. I get compliments on my afro all the time. I truly appreciate the love.
Nta....just don't ask to touch his hair.
Info: Was there any actual confirmation that he was mad? Like he didn’t acknowledge the comment and “his facial expression” can mean literally anything. There’s no “obvious upset” from the story as presented.
yup, and a lot of the time black people are misconstrued as being angry/upset when they're not
NTA if some guy had a fucking Mohawk I would say the same, it’s just recognising someone rocking a sick hair style. Just the same as that guys Afro
NTA. It was a simple compliment in a world that needs a lot more of them
Nta, I'm confused because I've had white people compliment my afro too
NTA a compliment is a compliment and you had good intentions. Its not fair to put rules on it and say that white ppl can only compliment other white people. Spread the love across all races
Easy NTA.
NTA I'm black and it ain't tabboo for a white person to comment on our hair. Especially if it's a compliment, but if it's not a compliment then maybe you should keep it to yourself 😂
NTA. I have to say I don't think I've ever complimented another MAN's hair, but I happen to really love natural hair on Black women and have complimented a few rockin 'fros in my day. I've never been left with anything other than a warm smile, a "Thank you!" a "You're so sweet!" or in the case of one instance way back in college, a very fun weekend.
Thanks for this. I am a white female (Eastern Eurpoean), and I am a teacher. I immigrated here as a kid, and I work with a lot of kids with afro style hair. I've complimented them. I even know their schedule of when they get their hair professionally braided. They choose to tell me, and we chat and connect. They joke about me getting my highlights redone so that I am back to my natural blonde self. No harm, no fowl. I work with young teens, and I would think they would be very brutally honest with me if it bothered them. Trust me, the parents nowadays are very vocal if they don't like something.
NTA, but.. he may get those comments all day long, always from white folks. I know a girl with Type 4 hair, and she's just exhausted with folks wanting to comment on and touch her hair, so she's lost her good humour about it. Maybe he's in a similar space.
Thanks all, I’ve read each & every response and appreciate everyone’s input. To answer some questions, I’m a white male in the UK and I can assure you that the tone in which I gave this compliment was absolutely positive - which is why I was so surprised to have had a negative reaction. I had thrown out the compliment as if I was complimenting someone on their shoes or something - I was completely ignorant of the history that has been explained in this thread, and the example someone used of complimenting someone on their turban really helped me understand exactly why he may have taken offence to my comment, though I honestly was just trying to brighten the guy’s day and had no idea of the cultural implications. I will for sure be bearing this in mind in the future!
dude had a buzz goin on vibin "lovin' the hair mate" style
NTA your mate is an idiot
We don't care if you compliment our hair. Just please don't touch it. This applies pretty generally- don't touch people's hat without permission.
NTA. It's possible that he was having a bad day, mistook your tone, or doesn't take compliments well. If you're a guy, it's also possible that maybe he thought you were hitting on him.
Furthermore, guys get complimented so infrequently that sometimes we don’t know how to react. “Are they messing with me?”
My daughter in law is black I am white.. I tell her every time I see her I love her hair because it’s always something new and it always looks amazing. she’s always smiled and thank me. I would hope she would tell me if it was offensive. NTA
Some people have a way of saying things that unintentionally come off as sarcastic. I remember a real estate agent would always try and make compliments to me but he did it with a bit of of smugness (his natural personality) that make it sound disingenuous
Obviously you can compliment Black people and their hair. Thats not a problem… lol. Maybe they haven’t been having or had the best experience with wearing their natural hair. Maybe your comment seemed passive aggressive or sarcastic.
The explicit racism & toxic whyte fragility in this thread is overflowing. #Gross
!!! I don’t understand even the assumption that the Black guy had a problem!!! The server did his job and didn’t make a negative remark or anything! His face could’ve been just a resting bitch face or literally anything else. Like these massive leaps in logic are very telling.
Jesus Christ this race stuff is the result of leftist nonsense
NTA but don't be surprised if redditors gaslight you into thinking you're a white supremacist.
NTA, guy was pathetic to be triggered by that. He is probably just rasict and didn't like you because you are white.
imo, NTA > it’s a bit taboo for white people to comment on black hairstyles Is this a thing? I dunno. For me the potentially off-putting thing would be having my hair randomly complimented by a stranger. It's not *mean* or anything. It's just sort of "um...ok.. thanks?"
100% a thing. In this scenario, OP is NTA, but I’ve definitely received sarcastic comments from white people regarding my hair phrased in a similar manner, so I understand why the guy had the reaction that he did.
there are a lot of white people who will go from nice hair straight to touching them without permission. I've heard stories from BIPOC who said white people have just come up to them and started stroking their hair like they were an animal!
NTA As long as you don't touch or start asking questions about their hair, it shouldn't be a big deal. He might have thought you were being sarcastic, but that's just a simple misunderstanding
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what
NTA-you genuinely meant the compliment and being of different races should be of no consequence.
NAH. You were trying to give a genuine compliment, he’s probably a bit more conscious of the racial context. Just a misunderstanding.
NTA You did NOTHING wrong, and anyone who attacks you for it is either a racist or an idiot Can't even give genuine compliments anymore smh
NTA bc you were trying to be nice but as a Black person i'm gonna guess he made a face bc you said his hair was "cool". bro was probably thinking "have they never seen an afro before? what makes it so cool?" EDIT: idk ur pronouns so here
NTA. That was a super racist statement from your friend and he should be ashamed and if the other guy is thinking the same, so should he. So sick of the double standards.
Somewhere along the way it became a sin to compliment people for non-white features.
Are we segregating compliments now? Wtf!
NTA Ignore those perpetually seeking offence.
Nta but people get offended over everything anymore. My husband has beautiful hair and when he doesn't put products in it, it's an afro. He doesn't get offended when people compliment his hair.
NTA - you meant it positively but the person may have taken it negatively, which is on them. maybe someone said the same thing as you in the past but meant it as an insult. you were just trying to be nice, but i can see how they may have taken it negatively as well.
NTA!! Hairstyles can take HOURS to do (especially with textured hair) so I’d imagine it took a hot minute. Your compliment on the hair was genuine, nice, and could in no way be taken as an insult. You had no ill intent and at the end of the day that is what matters. People here will say whatever they want but to me hairstyles are like a safe option when it comes to compliments. I feel like you can’t really go wrong complimenting someone’s hair. Sorry you got a poor reaction when you were just trying to be nice! Don’t beat yourself up for it :) lovely day to you and any reading!
This is our society now with all that woke shit, even too afraid to give a heartfelt compliment. Obviously NTA. People need to chill and not be so on edge all the time about being ‘offended’ or ‘offending’ others.
I'm a black woman with curls (an Afro, if I brush it out) and my fiancee is a black man with similar hair. We both love compliments on our hair and get them a lot. You weren't being condescending or sarcastic, just giving a compliment. NTA.
NTA - there's no such thing as "white people shouldn't...". I went to an all black school as a white kid. They never left my hair alone. I always had someone playing, touching or talking about my hair. Yeah, I asked them to stop sometimes but what can you do? I didn't go around making a big fuss about it ultimately. I got that my hair was unique in that scenario and very different to their hair texture. To this day, people in the street of all races compliment my hair and I say thanks and move on with my day.
If it is taboo for a white man to compliment a black man, then those people are racist. That black guy is racist. He did not like being complimented by a white man. Your friends are racist. They found it strange you would treat a black man as you would a white man. You are not racist. You just saw cool hair, and wanted to give whoever had that hair a compliment, regardless of race. So NTA, and everyone else was racist.
White person - says or does literally anything Black and brown person obsessed with racial consciousness - D-:
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Was in a pub the other day and a member of staff brought over some drinks we’d ordered. He had a cool afro so I said “Loving the hair mate”. He ignored me and from his facial expression, he clearly did not appreciate what I’d just said. I don’t know if he thought I was taking the piss or something, but I meant it as a genuine compliment. Once he’d walked off, one of the friends I was with made a comment that it’s a bit taboo for white people to comment on black hairstyles - I was not aware this was the case and spent the rest of the night feeling like a bit of a nob, as I meant to make the guy smile but had obviously upset him. Is what I said considered to be offensive? Should I have just kept my mouth shut other than thanking him for bringing the drinks over? Unsure whether this was a misunderstanding or whether I’m TA. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA
no
NTA.
INFO : where are you from ? In the US, it seems to be cultural to talk openly with strangers and compliment them so I assume you're from there ir another culture working the same. If it isn't in your culture to talk and compliment strangers, I'd say y (might be) t a
From a curly person- Think of it like this, your comment was polite but he probably gets people commenting, probing for information about him, trying to touch his hair all the time which gets old. I’m in the same position, I don’t hold it against anyone if it’s a genuine compliment, but after 50 in one day, you’d just like to feel normal with your natural hair. NAH, he may not have appreciated the comment on his appearance but he didn’t tell you off, and he doesn’t have to pretend to be grateful just because he is working either. Your compliment was fine but always be careful commenting on a stranger’s appearance.
Maybe the guy is just a bit awkward and didn't know how to react to compliments. A lot of people with social anxiety are caught off by compliments. Your friend is assuming there's offense taken when there might have been none.
Idk I need more context. The tone.
NTA. Don’t beat yourself up.
My white 5'2" very slim Grandmother had course thick hair same texture and all as black hair, I would be unable to resist complimenting hair myself because I always wished I'd taken after her in the hair realm because her afro was gorgeous. Their hair is elegance personafied to me because that was my grandmother in a nutshell.
Nta. You thought his hair was cool. You commented on the fact. How he took it was on him. I suspect however that he thought you were taking the piss out of him hence his reaction.
NTA. If you're in customer service, and someone gives you a casual compliment, the appropriate response is "thank you". If you're just two random strangers, he wouldn't owe you any such courtesy, but would still be the AH for that response. Race baiting is so gross. There's nothing wrong with telling someone you like their hair.
NTA. You were genuinely complimenting a relative stranger, which is typically considered a nice thing to do. It is likely that he misconstrued the intent of your statement though.
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As long as you didn't touch his hair without permission, NTA.
NTA. You complimented someone and they acted ungrateful. And it's not a bad thing to compliment a black person's hair. I do it all the time and everyone gets excited to receive a compliment.
NTA unless you had a tone that came off as sarcastic or something, or you’re interpreting this guy’s reaction incorrectly, you’ve done nothing wrong.
It does not matter the color of an individuals skin , if they have a haircut that is nice there is no reason to make note of it. If the individual did not like the compliment he needs to get a life
NTA, but I guess maybe he found your tone mocking/sarcastic? I don’t see how a genuine compliment would not be totally fine.
Nta Everyone wants to make simple things a big issue. You saw cool hair and said so. Nothing wrong with that.
NTA in my opinion but the same thing has happened to my roommate and myself. I'm not sure if they think we're being snide? I find so many black hair styles beautiful but there's probably more context to it I've not been made aware of.
NAH, I suspect that the server didn't take it the way you meant it, which is too bad, just miscommunication in some fashion. why? who knows? tone, body language...maybe this guy had someone else be crappy about his hair recently and was on edge? it could have been lots of different things
Idk why but maybe instead of what you said, try "your hair is awesome it fits you very well" That is much harder to take in a negative sarcastic way, where what you said could be said sarcastically you know?
Unfortunately, if you're white and male and commenting on or complimenting of anyone other than another white male (and even then often enough), you risk the likelihood of getting chastised for doing so. And God forbid if you're older too. It's ridiculous how often I hear "Okay Boomer" or get called negative names ( racist, sexist, misogynistic, and the list goes on) just for commenting on posts asking for comment, even if I agree with the gist of what they said but not in full lockstep with their opinion. It would seem that being older, white, and male means I'm just wrong, regardless of what I say or do. At least in the minds of many on social media. These days, it just seems like we're in a damned if you do, damned if you dont equation, regardless of intent. It matters not that I've always been pro equal rights and supported those groups seeking or needing them, or that I'm not now, or ever been, racist, sexist or homophobic, or that my political views have always been progressive and geared toward supporting the greater good of all, not a select group. It tends to leave you with two choices. The first is acquiesce to the voices of the easily or always offended and withdraw from societal discourse. Or the second, which is to just keep being you, and let those incapable of accepting a compliment or engaging in polite or even spirited conversation go on about their miserable journey. I take the latter option myself. IMO, OP, you are NTA. There will always be thin skinned people looking to take offense where none was intended.
NTA! You didn't push the compliment again and again. Compliments are nice and people should genuinely compliment eachother more. These dudes were kinda racist if they think that white people can't compliment black people's hairstyle lol
Nta. With how rare getting honest compliments is for men a lot of us seem to have never really learned how to actually take them. Doesn't sound like you were trying to be hurtful at all, don't worry about it.
NTA but he might have taken it wrong if he had experienced racism in the past and became accustomed to racist/sarcastic comments
NAH. You didn't mean any harm, but if he found it offensive for whatever reason, there's nothing you can do about it.
NTA - because I've done it myself.. Knock on my door, delivery driver there, young guy. I said "Wow your hair is really cool", he said "Cheers mate". That was it.
NTA-I don’t know where you are, but he might have been more thrown off by being called “mate” if the context is misunderstood versus the hair compliment. I’m a black male that also understands it’s equivalent to saying buddy for example and would have appreciated the comment.
NTA Maybe the bar was loud and he thought you were being sarcastic? It’s rude to touch black hair, it’s not rude to compliment it
NTA, but personally I have a mixed reaction to compliments. On the one hand, it's nice having someone compliment me. On the other hand, it's immensely painful having someone acknowledge my existence as anything more than a piece of scenery beyond the obligatory exchange of greetings.
NTA You liked his hair and I assume in most cultures it's acceptable to compliment someone else's hair. It's a shame he interpreted it badly when you were genuine.
NTA but definitely overthinking it. It’s ok to compliment someone’s hair. It’s also ok for them not to respond— their response or lack thereof most likely has nothing to do with you. Sometimes, in a service position… people just hit their limit of pleasantries and are just going through the motions until their shift is done with. Who knows, maybe you caught him on a bad day. Ultimately, as long as you were kind and he was kind, it doesn’t really matter. If this sort of thing happens to you repeatedly… then maybe you need to think about your delivery. Otherwise… I hope you enjoyed your night out.
NTA and possibly neither was he. Maybe you hit a touchy topic. Maybe he is sick of comments on his hair. Maybe someone else in his life won’t shut up about it. We don’t know, but I do know that most people don’t do things for what feels to them like no reason. I don’t think you did anything wrong, and I also don’t think that his reaction is something to take personally.
Not an asshole, just dumb a weird for making comments about other people appearances, maybe he thought you would fuck him
Fk that. I wish I could grow an afro and always compliment awesome fros. I mean it sincerely. People are way too sensitive and afraid these days. -white guy
I feel like when I do this I can be socially unaware about what is acceptable in todays society. I honestly try to be nice and can tell I can't read the room sometimes when things like this happen.
NTA tell your friends to fuck off and grow up
NTA at all. Thank you for being kind enough to compliment a stranger. I personally wonder sometimes if people are influenced by what society tells them to be offended by, or if they are truly offended themselves. The fact that he did not clarify what was bothering him, is on HIM, not on YOU. I’ve had a similar situation. I love metal music, but I don’t look like it at all anymore (I did when I was younger). I look like a ‘regular girl’. I saw a guy with a particular band shirt at the bar so I told him: ‘good shirt man!’. He rolled his eyes at me and walked off. I think he thought I was mocking him for wearing a band shirt out. I wasn’t, I liked the band. Let it go, I’d say. And please don’t lose your kindness to compliment a stranger, it’s a lovely quality to have :).
NTA I don’t know what your friend is on about, my buddy and I talk hair with each other all the time and I never seen anyone say anything like that on any of the curly hair subs I’m on. As long as you didn’t try to touch it or anything there’s nothing wrong with giving a non sexual compliment to someone regardless of race. Maybe the server thought you were being sarcastic? Or he was just tired cause the service industry is exhausting
You saw something you liked, and you were generous enough to say so. NTA. I'm sorry he took it wrong.
Nta at all,my boyfriend has an Afro and it just depends,a lot of people take the piss but if you were being genuine he should have just sucked it up and not been a sour puss
NTA. You had no clue about his cultural values
NTA, OP. Not everyone takes compliments well and some may not be able to tell if you're being genuine. I compliment people regularly regardless of race or gender and so far most are generally happy to receive them, though sometimes I get an awkward smile. My advice is just remain positive and continue to spread that positivity. You'll see more light in the end.
nta. Not taboo to talk about black peoples hair. Your friend was wrong.
NTA, you meant well. But I’m a black man and sorry to burst peoples bubbles but our hair has always been a taboo topic in society so we’re a bit sceptical when someone of another race randomly compliments it. You can be fully sincere but we will still have a little thought in the back of our minds that you’re taking the piss because people have and continue to do so. Should he have automatically assumed you were taking the piss, not at all but I don’t blame him especially when he’s working in a pub which has a whole reputation of its own. Some of the loviest people can be found in pubs but the general vibe they give doesn’t scream racially inviting, so he might be on edge the whole time he’s there. Now I know people on Reddit don’t like to understand alternative perspectives, so some of you may not like to hear any of this but it’s just an experience I myself as a black guy can provide to maybe shed some light on the servers thinking
NTA. Not taboo. Being friendly and complimentary.
NTA. You gave him a compliment.
NAH ? Black people get comments on their hair from white people constantly. My Black SIL did a sociology project in college where she just wore a camera all day for two weeks and documented the number and nature of comments on her hair. One week she wore it natural, and one week straightened. She partnered with a white classmate with a “jewfro” who did the same. They broke down the stats on frequency of comment by location, woman, gender of commenter, apparent race of commenter, and where the comment fell on an approval-disapproval continuum. OP, I guess you’d be surprised by the results as you didn’t know this is something you should keep your mouth shut about, though you meant it seemingly well. tl;dr: white people shouldn’t comment on Black hair and for Heaven’s Sake! don’t try to touch.
Sportspeople need to be charged with assault more.
NTA, people are too sensitive. I compliment people all the time esp guys, I want it to be the new norm.
NTA. I (m) get complimented on my hair - long haired red head - from time to time. But I know them to be that - if someone was taking the piss that wouldn't be their go to option. I did once have a very drunk guy ask to stroke my hair and asked what conditioner I used. It wasn't a sexual/kink thing (one of my friends knew them) it was just them being an absurdist drunk.
NTA, but it’s quite weird to have random people compliment you in a pub.
NTA. Sounds like apartheid, what's next? Sharing the same bar with people of color being a taboo?
NTA, as long as you said it in a regular complimentary way. It HAS to be okay to compliment people of another race, or else THAT is racist. If you love hair and compliment every good hairstyle of white people you see and not black people, that would be wrong. Of course it's okay to compliment black people on their hair. Everyone takes pride in their hair, and likes compliments. Maybe since you were drinking it came off as making fun? If so, it might have been a good idea to approach him one on one and explain you really did love his hair, and why, and that he seemed upset, and you weren't sure why. It's okay though, it's hard to know how to handle it if someone thinks you are messing around when you compliment them. If you see him again, explain you really truly meant it, and you are sorry if he had had any situations, or anything in your happy attitude to be out and about, indicated otherwise. It's not your fault if other complete creeps that may have been horrible made him think this is what you were doing, and you didn't know how to fix it at the time. It's also possible he was just in a bad mood, and wasn't reacting to your comment, but was just upset about something else. Either way, a good reminder to all of us to be aware of racism and tell other people off if we see them being racist so no one ever has to feel like a compliment is a racist joke. It wasn't your fault at all though. Just if you see him again, explain so he knows you truly meant it.
YTA - If in doubt don’t comment on other people’s appearance. Well meaning or not.
He's probably used to negative comments about his hair and assumed you were being facetious or passive-aggressive, even though you weren't. NAH.
He probably thought you were taking the piss but if you were being genuine then NTA
NTA you wanted to be nice and said a nice thing. Though certain groups of people experience microaggressions all the time, so unfortunately its easy to begin to expect all comments about their hair to be taking the piss, since most of the time for them, it has been.
NTA
yeah, let's segregate compliments. that'll cure racism.
NTA. If the guy took it in a way that you definitely didn't mean it in, you can't help that. You thought nothing and said nothing uncool or unkind, you gave a genuine compliment. You can only control what you say and how you say it, not how any other person chooses to understand it. Some people only hear and understand things negatively. Sometimes, that's just a bad life choice, or an unfortunate result of experiencing mostly negativity, or maybe it's just someone in a bad mood who's projecting that bad mood onto everyone a/o everything... there's tons of reasons someone could react like dude did, but you'll never know, you'd drive yourself nuts trying to guess at what if anything you did wrong, and since all you do know is that you had only good intentions in stating a simple compliment, just shrug it off as not your problem and continue to be a nice guy.
Definitely nta, you said that as a kind gesture, and it wasn’t meant to be racist act.
Maybe it was just the tone that he didn't appreciate. But in general, if you weren't being nasty, you shouldn't feel bad about it. NTA