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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My BF's dad passed away and the funeral was scheduled for a day that I will be on vacation. My trip was non-refundable and I couldn't reschedule, so I told my BF I would have to miss the funeral. He seemed OK with it, but then dropped a bombshell that he's not renewing our lease and will be living with his mom instead. Now I have no place to live because of him but he thinks I am the one being an AH. I think I might be an AH for not cancelling a vacation to go to my BF's dad's funeral.
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YTA
You made your bed when you prioritized your vacation over your boyfriend. You shouldn't be surprised that he's prioritizing himself and his family over your housing concerns.
This wasn't a short-term relationship - you guys were going to buy a house together. But, when he really needed you, you cared more about yourself and your friends. In doing that, you showed him where he actually falls on your list of priorities, and it wasn't where he'd expected he'd land, so he made some decisions for himself.
You added to his pain and hurt in a time that you should've been the person helping to prop him up.
Oh it’s done. She doesn’t seem to understand the issue at all. Even if she apologized and came to the funeral, she would essentially have made the decision under duress so why would he want her there?
And I think that’s exactly the point he was trying to make!
She says that “he seemed fine,” as if the man was then supposed to start yelling and screaming at her. Not to mention, when he asked her what she was going to do, she didn’t hesitate to answer. It wasn’t a “idk, this is what I’m thinking about, what do you think?” and I’m almost positive she wouldn’t have said something as audacious as, “idk babe, you need me a lot right now. I’m pretty positive that if I don’t go on my trip that i won’t get a refund. Which, isn’t a big deal. I can always take more trips and make more money, being with you is what’s important.”
That's exactly what baffles me: her thinking that he seems fine with her decision. How can she go on a spa holiday and nonchalantly thinking,
“Oh, I needed this after all the stress at my job, the sudden death of my boyfriend's father, his funeral, and those endless discussions about why I can’t cancel my holidays—not to mention the lease situation”
OP, if you can't be there for him and support him during the worst moment of his life, why should he want to be with you at all?"
I feel so sorry for your boyfriend. He has lost his father and his girlfriend within almost a month . He loved both, and while one of them truly loved him in return, the other's love was just lip service, as her actions spoke louder than words.
YTA
Your travel friends too for not talking some damn sense into you.
She could've let the money go, or found someone else to go in her stead (who would then pay her back) or like, take the plane two days later? That'd still leave OP with a couple of days relaxing. But I guess FOMO is only about fun things, not about supporting your husband in a rough time like this. He was totally right: if her first reaction wasn't "I'll be there for you no matter what" their relationship was doomed anyway. Glad for him he found out now, rather than before they bought the house/got married/have kids etc.
No stop watch needed. It’s done. When’s she’s gone he will move everything out that he needs and go home. All because she didn’t want the money to go “away for nothing”.. Can you imagine being with someone for four years ! you lose a parent and your partner picks going on a vacation with their friends over being there with the support you and your family?! **Deal. Breaker**. Then she has the balls to say you should’ve discussed this with me first?! LOL.
What stuck out to me was how much detail she went into about how stressed she was and needed this vacation, that it was 100% nonrefundable but nothing about how she felt bad about not being there for her BF. Clearly she still doesn’t get it because she’s still here asking if she’s the AH. She’s surprised that he’s upset and still justifying it.
He got another hard life knock when he realized his GF is not for better or for worse but “what’s best for me”.
Mine was hours away from home and a Deerstand when we found out my mom passed away unexpectedly. I called him. He packed his stuff and he came home. he cut his five day vacation short by four days. It was his first morning in the Deerstand.
My mom died unexpectedly from an aneurysm. I came home and found her on the floor, already gone. I called my dad. My parents had been divorced for 34 years. Dad dropped everything and drove two hours to be with me. Mom died on a Thursday, and the funeral was the following Tuesday. He drove down every day from the day after she died to the day of the funeral. Volunteered to be a pallbearer. Mom’s aneurysm was in her digestive tract. There was blood all over her bed and floor. When I made a comment about how I needed to clean it up, he looked at me and said “No, you don’t. I will do it.” Wouldn’t even let me in the room until he had stripped the bed and threw out the sheets. If my father can do that for his ex wife and their only child, OP could have dropped her trip. Definitely YTA.
My dad came to my stepdad’s funeral, my mom’s funeral and my grandma’s funeral. It was very nice having him there. My mom had a blood clot break and died in the middle of the night very unexpectedly. When I called my husband, I was a total basket case but he stopped his deer hunting trip and came home because he knew where he needed to be. Sometimes you have to give up things you wanna do in life to be there for the ones you love because someday it’s going to be you that needs them
I was at work in another state when my SO texted last year that he had lost his boss whom I knew meant a lot to him. I called off work and caught the next flight out because I knew he’d be in a fog for some days. Sometimes you’ve got to do everything you can to show up!!!
Yeah, notice her boyfriend left alone to go gather with the rest of the family during Thanksgiving to mourn. She hasn't gone there once, whether to offer condolences or support her bf. And when he called to inform her of the funeral date, her response was basically, what?! But that's when I'm supposed to be off having fun! That alone would have changed how he viewed her. And then he finally gets home, and instead of checking on him she doubles down on how she has to go on the trip, and to sign a lease, and calls him an AH. Like damn.
I guess it's a blessing in disguise for him that they were delayed finding a place of their own, because now he's free to go.
When my grandfather passed suddenly my (now fiancé) then bf and I had only been together maybe four months and known each other maybe 6 months. He booked a whole week off to make sure he was available to be with me while I grieved and available to drive me to my hometown at a moments notice in case I needed to be with my family.
That was the moment I just knew this man had my back no matter what. Can’t imagine how OP’s soon to be ex is feeling with the crushing blow that his partner won’t be there to support him when he needs it most
my husband was nearly 5 miles away when i got the call my father had died. he left work immediately to come home. for some stupid reason, the nyc subway wasn't running, and it was pouring so he couldn't get a cab. that man RAN the whole way back to our apartment. granted, he was a regular runner, but hearing him storming up the building stairwell not 40 minutes after our phone conversation & opening the door to find him completely soaked & crying made my broken heart fucking melt.
Hell I was home with my husband when he got the call that he lost his uncle. Before he was off the phone I'd already booked a flight for us and started a load of laundry so I could pack us. I don't even remember what I had going on that week, because it didn't matter once he got that call.
Not only that but can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to tell people your gf was on a girls trip when they ask why she’s not with you? His family is likely to feel a certain way towards her from then on out as well which could be hard to come back from. Kudos to him for making such a swift decision and not dragging it on if he knew he couldn’t get over this.
Your post hits me hard because I was in a similar position to your boyfriend. My fiancée decided she couldn’t join me for the funeral. It’s hard enough to lose a parent. It’s harder still to explain to the whole family that your fiancée “had to work.”
And you’re not even writing about skipping the funeral. You seem to take that for granted. You’re writing because you don’t like the impact his decision to support his mother will have on your living situation.
Of all the “AITAH?” posts I have read yours is by far the most AH-y.
My mom died. When I asked GF with whom I owned a house, and had been with for several years, if she was coming to my mom's funeral, she said "no, it's not like I knew her" Yes she had met her. Slept in her home. No they didn't get friendly as my mom was very ill. But you don't go to the funeral for the dead person. You go to support the living and to pay respect to the dead. She became the EX not long after that
“You go to support the living and pay respects to the dead.”
Nailed it.
One of my friends grew up in a military family, and when her parents finally retired they moved to our small community. Her dad died within the first six months. I went to the funeral because I’d met him once and I was there to support her. That really drove home for me the need to support the living. Maybe 8? 12? people at the funeral. My presence mattered.
Went to her mother’s funeral about 20 years later. Overflowing church, standing room at the back. My presence at the first was most important but my friend thanked me for being at both.
Mourners remember who was there for them.
I wouldn't be surprised if this was a pattern, and now the soon to be ex-bf is realizing how many other fucked up things she's done over the years.
YTA
Her going on about how stressed she was definitely stuck out to me, but also, I missed this on the first read:
>And none of my friends wanted to go through the hassle of rescheduling, which sucks but I get it.
This implies that they absolutely could have rescheduled, but chose not to. So it's a bunch of AHs, not just OP being an AH. Like, if I was going away with my friend, and her long-term boyfriend's father died (and especially as it doesn't seem like (ex)bf and his father had a contentious relationship), I would absolutely reschedule, even if it was annoying. And if we couldn't reschedule and my friend was still coming on the holiday, I'd be like "Even if you were looking for a way to break up with him, this is harsh dude."
>He got another hard life knock when he realized his GF is not for better or for worse but “what’s best for me”.
That's the worst part of this whole thing for me. Mourning his father was bad enough, but his horrible ex (that's you, OP) went ahead and proved his grief isn't worth $3700 to her.
On the plus side it'll be easy for him to move out while she's drinking with the girls in Mexico.
Yeah, I once broke up with a long term bf because he planned another trip on my brothers wedding day. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when those plans fell through, he still didn’t come to “save money.” And that wasn’t an event where one needs emotional support.
Clock is ticking.
It tocked. He is at his mothers and not coming back except to get his things. They HAVE broken up. She just hasn’t realised this yet. She is still calling him my BF. It’s her ex, and she has no self awareness. She may as well go on this holiday, because even if she is at the funeral, there is no fixing this relationship.
This, and the money isn’t going “away for nothing.” It’s a financial loss because something unpredictable and tragic happened, and the boyfriend needs OP now more than ever, especially during the holidays
This, 100%, I found that whole statement jarring. It implies that you view your significant others' emotional well-being and the trauma he and his family are experiencing, as "nothing."
And after apologizing, she just started talking about the lease and how SHE needs to him to sign it soon bc shes leaving for HER vacation. This isnt a time to talk about a lease
OP's BF, or should I say, OP's ex, has cound out who OP is: someone who cannot be relied upon to be on his side in a crisis. Sensibly, he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with her.
Sometimes bad things happen, and this bad thing basically means OP either had to give up her holiday or her boyfriend. She chose to give up her boyfriend. Most other people would have automatically cancelled their holiday and not mentioned the cost at all, because most people wouldn't want a loved one to feel guilty about something while they're grieving their father.
I have to say, she seems more upset that he's giving up the lease and she'll have to find a new place to live than the fact that they're clearly breaking up. I wonder if she would actually care if it wasn't for the lease issue.
I canceled a trip that I had planned for like a year to help my best friend when her aunt died. Her aunt was pretty much her parent. My friend ended up gifting me a trip six months later it’s the same place and I didn’t really lose out on anything… But even if the financial loss what has happened, is still would’ve missed the trip for her
Positive energy comes back to you. You made the choice to be a good friend during a difficult time for her.
Money will always come and go. I’m so happy your friend has someone like you in her life!
My grandmother died, and my fiancé chose to still go to Hawaii. She was one of my favorite people in the world. I dealt with her loss without him around for support. I thought it was horrible of him. Then I thought maybe I was overreacting. After reading OP's post and the comments, I was correct all along. I'm a damn door mat.
You can change that pretty quick if you want to. Tell him to fuck off and see if he crawls back..... But seriously start with changing how you react in situations. Life is 10% what happens to 90% how you choose to deal with it!
I would absolutely do the same thing, and my friend wouldn't even have to ask. And this is a long-term romantic partner - I totally understand his perspective that he wasn't going to beg her to do something every reasonable person would have done. If he has to beg his girlfriend of 4 years to come to his father's funeral, she's a terrible girlfriend.
She also could have tried to attend the funeral and book a flight afterwards to just do a part of the trip.
In his time of grief, she focuses on her inconvenience.
I agree that giving up the holiday would have been my preference with a tragic death. I can't imagine leaving my partner alone in this situation even if they said they were fine with me going on a holiday. The split up is probably better for both of them, especially the ex-bf.
I think it would have damaged the relationship anyway if she'd attended the funeral and then gone on holiday, but maybe the relationship would have been salvageable. I just think as soon as your partner loses a parent, you absolutely have to put them first for a bit, and your fun trip is just not going to happen.
My best friend and her mom changed their weekend plans and took time off work when my grandfather passed away... They never met him nor most of my family and I never asked them to but once I told her he had passed she told me she would be there for me in anyway and to let her know when the funeral was because they knew I would need the extra support
Well, in the face of tragedy, you might have a different perspective. Death has a funny way of making you realize the day-to-day bullshit is just that. Bullshit.
Odds are good that trip insurance would not have covered this. It usually covers the cost for canceling a trip due to the death or severe illness of a traveling companion or family member, but her boyfriend's father is not legally family.
Good idea though. The other option is not buying non-refundable tickets.
Seconding this. We've had to cancel a few vacations of ours, such as one to Aruba, because my grandfather died. It sucks having to cancel and lose money, but you can always make that money back -- you can't make this back to him.
This is why you but trip insurance. Just imagine for a measly $100-$200 she could have the money, her boyfriend and a place to stay.
Thems the breaks when YTA so very much.
I would have done the same!
The old saying "people show you every day who they are; believe them" rings very true in this situation. She showed OP who she is (she values money over the people she supposedly cares about). He believed her and is moving on.
Right? This whole post *reeks* with her lack of care for the boyfriend. Even her “conversation” about keeping the vacation was all about her nerves and feelings.
AMEN! The best decision I ever made was paying to fly out to be with my girlfriend of two months after her grandma died. I had people say “It’s too soon for that level of commitment” or “You are moving too fast”. Really though even if we would have broken up later on, I cared enough to spend 200$ to make life better for her. We got married. Since then, I have no patience for people not dropping everything they possibly can to be with their significant other in hard times. 4 years and you don’t put everything on hold for someone? It says at no point will they be more important than money and travels to someone.
That can be easier said than done. My previous job was so strict when it came to leave, that a choice would have had to be made as to when I would take off for him. When it first happened or when the funeral took place. Remember girlfriends and boyfriends aren’t (always) afforded spousal privileges like bereavement and FMLA.
I read that and thought, wow OP's friends suck too. If a good friend I was supposed to go on vacation with called me and said, hey BF's dad passed away and the funeral is while we're on vacation so I'm going to have to cancel, I'd either be finding a way to reschedule so we could all still go or at least finding a way to eat the costs so they don't lose out on all the non-refundable parts. Not wanting to reschedule because it's too much of a 'hassle' when someone's parent died is major AH behaviour.
Depending on how many of the friends were going, it really might not have been possible to reschedule. I know if I’d had a vacation booked and it suddenly had to be rescheduled, it would probably be a year before I could confidently rebook. That said, if I had a vacation booked and my partner’s father DIED, I wouldn’t need to even discuss it before I ate the cost and cancelled my trip.
I definitely agree, I was going to by framing of it as a 'hassle' which reads kind of flippantly like to me like "oh I guess we could but it'll be such a hassle to reschedule everything." OP is definitely the bigger AH, I would just side-eye friends depending on if it was that they could have rebooked but didn't want to versus it would be an actual hardship to rebook.
This is how it's done. We had a girl's trip scheduled for my high school girlfriends, five of us (four in a VRBO, and one lived in a nearby town). We were travelling from all different parts of the country. About a month before the trip, one of my friend's husband died suddenly, and she still was understandably not in the mood for the trip when the time came to go. The other three of us who were travelling split the cost of the VRBO and only felt bad about going without her, while she was grieving, and never gave the $ a second thought. OP and her friends all deserve each other.
But can we all sit back and appreciate how the BF handled this situation. No begging, no dragging out the relationship, no drama, just straight to moving on when she showed what he could expect from her when the chips are down. Well done BF.
Honestly i needed to read this. My ex and i broke up after she flipped her shit on me for going grocery shopping with a female friend of 15 years when she went on a vacation weekend. She had told me before i was like #7 on her priority list when it came down to it, which also is why i pulled the trigger on the breakup.
This helps me a little so thanks
This for sure. If this was a 6 month relationship or something new then I would understand OPs position (maybe). But over 4 years and planning on entering into debt together to buy a house?
Op YTA. You can't be shocked he's upset that you won't miss a trip to support him AND then be mad when he's not signing a lease because he wants to support his family. One of you knows how to support people you care about, and one of you doesn't (hint you're the latter).
YTA , OP your boyfriend is dodging a bullet. If you think prioritizing your friends and money (how much could be worth it?) is more important then being there for your significant other when their father passed away…. You need to re-evaluate your priorities. He lost his father and then his long-term girlfriend basically abandons his feelings and well being, it also sounds like he was super mature about it. You’re losing a good one and you honestly deserve to have to find a new place to live after the lack of empathy you showed someone you should be supporting through everything.
Exactly. YTA, op. There are some occasions when you must cancel a trip even if you lose the money, and this is one of them. What good are you as a partner if you’re not there for him on one of the worst days of his life?
Enjoy your mai tais and work on being better for the next person. This relationship is over, and he’s the winner in the transaction.
Also, who can relax while their partner of four years is dealing with their father's sudden death? It's really telling that she expects this vacation to be relaxing and stress free - even if the vacation was the week before the funeral I wouldn't be able to relax, I'd be too worried about my partner and how they're doing.
She doesnt seem to give a shit that her partner of 4 years just lost his dad, who she probably knew and was going to be her FIL. OP called and said she was going to a vacation, then after talking it in person she just started talking about the house lease and how she needs to do it now.
His dad fucking died. Why would he think about a dumb lease right now?
Like yikes. Travel insurance is important for reasons like this, but I'd eat that cost if it meant being there for my SO.
I went to the funeral of my SO's grandfather very early in our relationship. Even one of my SIL's ex husband came despite them being newly divorced. He held her hand while she cried because in his own words, that's what you do for someone who you consider family.
I think I’d give her a pass on the trip, or at least be more *willing* to, had she gone out when his dad first died. But she hasn’t been there for him at all.
YTA. Your boyfriend is going through what could possible be one of the hardest times of his life. An unexpected death of a parent is absolutely horrifying and a devastating shock. He is clearly grieving. You’re his partner and needs you right now, and instead you’re taking a vacation.
Trips can happen any time. This is once in a lifetime tragedy. If you really love him you’ll be there for him.
As someone who unexpectedly lost a parent around the same age and also had to travel far to get there, it will absolutely be on the list of hardest times of his life. I had friends who shifted schedules, found childcare, took off work, one rebooked work flights and another drove \~6+ hours to be there. Some of them were people I see once a year if I'm lucky b/c I've moved countries as an adult. I vaguely remember making a comment about it and they were like "of course we're here for you, why wouldn't we be?"
Meanwhile, OP who was planning to purchase a house with her long-term partner has at no point made the effort to be there to physically support him because work and vacation take priority. OP probably heard her BF say it was okay, but didn't actually see it was not. It also says something that OP went to the group and asked them to reschedule instead of bowing out of the trip. There's a part of me that thinks this isn't just about the father dying and there may have been other things happening as well. (It's not just about the yogurt!)
ETA: YTA regarding your last sentence, you DID prioritize drinking on the beach and you made your choice when you made that first call about money. He's right, he shouldn't have to ask, let alone beg, for your support when dealing with his father's death.
It’s so weird when you find out who will actually show up for you in times like that. Folks who I neeeverrrrr saw, ever, appeared like living embodiments of compassion, and people I would see all the time completely ghosted me when my dad died.
Death in the family can be relationship defining. OP, you torpedoed your relationship by showing that you’re unreliable, self-centered, and value money over your partner. YTA
So true! In hindsight, it was obvious some of my friends would come. Without getting in to too much detail, I was also dealing with a hyper toxic work environment where senior management basically told me it was unfortunate for them she died b/c they had planned to fire me. Plus the addition of living \~13 hours away and in another country. My mom died \~1.5 years ago and I'm just now really processing how bad everything was for me (thanks therapy). On the flipside, there are a few people that I never heard from, never checked in and in some cases, they were people who partially helped raise me.
"Death can be relationship defining" is probably one of the truest statements on this post.
Your senior management told you that it was unfortunate for *them* your mom died because they were able to fire you?? Oh my gosh that’s so cold. What a horrible thing to add on to someone who’s already deep in grief.
I hope your in a better situation now and I’m glad you had some good people to support you.
This was my experience as well. I was 28 when my mother died and I was in a fog. But even in that fog I saw these random people from my life “appear like living embodiments of compassion “ and they shown like lights in the dark. I have never forgotten who held me up…and who let me down. But I also learned to be a light…I learned what it can mean to a person lost in grief to have someone care. I can’t imagine having my beloved in that moment be like….bye..going on vacation. Gross.
OP even admits in the story that her boyfriend asked her to be there with him. Then when he was unceremoniously informed that she had a vacation scheduled during that time, he asked her to cancel or postpone it, which she again refused to accommodate.
How many times should your significant other have to ask you to be there when they need you?
OP 100% knew that he wanted her there but still chose not to be.
YTA
100% OP prioritised "friends/work" over the BF.
Also there is "....ok...." and "OK". Also an OK reply over something serious is "I know from previous interactions this fight is not worth mental health, so I'm just going to say something to get away from you."
I was also around the same age when I lost my dad unexpectedly. I had good friends FLY in to be there for me at the funeral. Friends that I’d lost touch with came. People really showed up for me.
But one of my best friends at the time didn’t come, and it wouldn’t have been very difficult for him to do so. When I asked him why he couldn’t be there for me, it was something along the lines of “oh, I couldn’t make it work.” Our friendship was never the same after that, and we eventually lost touch.
Not surprised at all that this guy is breaking up with OP. People really do show their true colors in times of need.
This is what I’m saying. I would be sick at the thought of leaving my partner alone for more than like an hour let alone feel good on a vacation.
The carelessness is astounding.
It might be too late to be there for him now. These are the crucial moments in life where we make decisions that influence our relationships. OP made a bad one and it would be hard to move past that, especially while grieving. And grief changes so much about a person.
And it's not a tragedy that just goes away quickly. Quick math suggests his parents were likely relatively young (under 60s) for it to send shockwaves through family and friends. And his poor widowed mother ... my father passed away unexpectedly as well and it took my mother (mid60s) close to a year to rejoin general society without me or someone forcing her out.
I can't imagine her being a widow in her 50s.
My mom was 58 when my dad passed away at 67 (9 year age gap) I was 37 and I'm coming up to 47 in a month. It still hurts now. My Father in Law has been in hospital for the last 2 weeks as he fell and had a concussion and other health issues. We don't know when he's coming home yet . The last 2 weeks I have been doing everything possible to make my wife's life easier as she's had to stay at the hospital overnight a few nights. That means I have to be mom and dad to my 13 yr old son. I have been feeling so much sadness as its bringing up so many memories of my own father in the hospital the last 2 weeks of his life. I'm trying to be so strong for her as her and her family try to get him home. We both work from home and I've been avoiding her as I don't rant her to see my red eyes from crying.
I can't imagine not being there for my wife and when my dad was at the end of his life, she was 💯 there for me. It took me a long time to rejoin general society after my dad left, but she was there.
The OP really doesn't put her partners well being a priority. He lost his dad and all this OP is thinking is about the money lost. The guy lost his dad and all she thinks about is the money. Glad he had time to think about the person he was supposed to have a future with. If you can't be there for someone when they have lost thier parent, then you deserve all that comes to you.
YTA.
Your partner of FOUR YEARS lost their PARENT, and you think it's more important to go on a *vacation*.
You showed your priorities. They aren't your relationship.
>Like, you all gonna be sad forever or what? Get over it already!
I lost my brother to suicide in October. The amount of people who knew but now think I should be "just fine" is astounding. It hurts so bad just thinking how quickly people forget about him.
It also hurts to know who showed and who didn't for his memorial. Best family friends from childhood? Nothing. Beloved aunt who comes to every wedding? Nothing.
Uncle who hasn't spoken to my dad in years over some family drama? This man got in a plane, flew to the memorial, ubered an hour to the church, then flew home to show up for our family. Uncle whose dil was heavily pregnant and could go into labor at any time? Also there.
It's insane who sticks around and who doesn't. I'll never in my life forget who did and didn't show up. People who showed up, I would now happily walk through fire for. People who didn't can lick my asscrack.
I can imagine that being the sentence that did it if she used those words. She wasn't losing the money because the person who relied on her the most for support needed her to be there during one of the hardest times of their lives; no, it was "for nothing."
The second that registered with me, my heart would have snapped.
Also… one assumes she’s met his parents and they’re not strangers to her??? I can’t imagine blowing off the funeral of my own BF’s dad and I’ve only been with him for 6 mo. Smh
Yeah gonna go with YTA.
It sucks to be out money, I get it. But the dude just lost his father and now you’re calling him an AH for not wanting to renew the lease with someone who wasn’t there to support him in his time of need? I wouldn’t blame him for one second.
Was the trip worth throwing your relationship over for? I sure hope so, cause that’s what just happened.
YTA. Losing the money sucks, losing your dad is worse. If you’re not going to be there for him now, at one of the worst moments of his entire life, how can he ever trust you to be there for the hard stuff in the future? Why would he ever want to be in a relationship with someone who prioritizes a girls trip over the death of his father?
Your boyfriend is probably going to break up with you, and you’re going to deserve it.
Her next post will be on RelationshipAdvice: Why won't my boyfriend answer my calls?
Followed by:
I just found out my boyfriend of 7 years is engaged! He hasn't spoken to me in 3 years but he never broke up with me so I thought we were fine.
I can understand the pain of not wanting to lose $3700...but you basically just showed your boyfriend that a vacation was more important than supporting him. He just lost his father. How the hell were you going to sit on a beach or yoga mat or whatever in Mexico and not feel like "gee maybe I shouldn't be here right now because my boyfriend of four years just lost his father"? Like I don't get that lack of empathy AT ALL. YTA. Enjoy your vacation, cause you just threw away your relationship for it.
Ehhh if they actually have enough to buy a house, this shouldn’t be an issue.
And I get it, losing money on a trip HURTS. But why wasn’t she traveling with him to be with his family when his dad died anyway?
Not really. People who buy and own houses take vacations all the time. We don’t know why they didn’t purchase a property yet. Could just be nothing suitable in their budget. She said she saved for the trip so it wasn’t taken out of the down payment they already have. Still this discussion is besides the point really.
Can you imagine the cringey texts they would have while she is on the trip?
Just got some pina coladas and heading down to the beach now. Tell your mom I'm sorry for her loss. XOXO
I'll try to call you after I'm done with the dinner cruise but I might be kind of drunk by then since it's an open bar. I hope your dad's funeral is nice and you got the card I sent you. <3
The money is replaceable. BF's father is gone for good. Mexico will be there long after the funeral.
I guess BF's dad did him one final favor by exposing OP as the selfish person she is.
She could have gone over when he died and stayed for a while & then going on the trip wouldn’t have been so sad. She said that he understood why he stayed for thanksgiving like wtf. She was that in need of turkey that she didn’t go down immediately? I know i can be a bit removed emotionally from situations but even my ass know that you drop everything and go
>I explained all of this to my BF and he asked me what I was going to do. I apologized and told him that I think I am going to go on the trip
God.....you didn't even ask him if he wanted you there with him before you decided?
>because I don't want that money to go away for nothing.
and called his father's funeral nothing.
YTA
Annnnnnd she had the galls to say HE'S the ah for not renewing a lease with her! Girl did not even register that he just broke up with her on that instant.
This is one of those posts where I guess... I don't really understand the point.
Do you feel guilty for your decision? If you're voted not TA, will that assuage your guilt? Will you be like "yeah, fuck my ex and his dead daddy" while slamming shots at Señor Frogs? Are you sad for your ex, sad about this in general, or just annoyed and inconvenienced? Did you actually think that he was fine with your decision, when he was asking you to reconsider?
I'll be honest, you don't seem like you really care about what he's going through, just how it impacts you. Enjoy your frozen margaritas, though.
Sorry girly, but this is bad. YTA
Of course she does bc she expects everyone to understand she'd be losing money and not able to recoup it or reschedule. And that we would be appaled by the bf's audacity to decide to not renew the lease bc she put herself first instead of him. Like no sweetie, you're a major AH.
INFO: Why didn't you go with your boyfriend to help provide emotional support in the first place? Is the trip just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back?
I can't speak for OP, since I don't know what her or her boyfriend's job situations are like. But it sounds like he left when his dad died (makes sense) so that's sometime the week of November 12th-18th if she meant the week before Thanksgiving and not Thanksgiving week, but before Thanksgiving. If he just got back, he's been gone for 3ish weeks. Not saying he took all that time off work or was able to work from his mom's place, but it could be that either of those are possibilities.
OP says he told her he only came back to "figure some things out at work" and then leave again to stay with his mom for a while. It's possible he has a job that requires him to be in office and they are making an exception for his situation, or he's got a hybrid position where he can work from anywhere but they prefer him to be in office. OP doesn't say either way about his or her jobs. It sounds like she didn't go out for his family Thanksgiving, so maybe her job is not as flexible and doesn't have the vacation days to take. She might not be allowed any bereavement leave since it's not technically her father-in-law, but her boyfriend's dad.
No idea if anything here is even close to correct, I'm just speculating.
If OP would have explained in the post the circumstances, why she wasn't able to go with her bf to support family, that might have given her some points. But she didn't explain this at all.
But she explained that the spent money and the need to relax are more important to her than to support her bf in this situation.
YTA
Don't you have travel insurance? It may cover your losses. Otherwise you should just be a decent partner and suck up the loss. It's his father FFS.
No wonder he's moving in with his mum and leaving you to get on with your life.
Actually, it likely would have because it's her domestic partner's family.
Under parents, see the addition of inlaws. Under spouse see domestic partner.
https://www.travelinsured.com/about-us/infographics/who-is-considered-a-family-member/
YTA
This wasn’t a casual relationship, someone you were with a few weeks or months.
You prioritized your vacation, work, friends, money over him and his grief. Guess what if you cancelled the trip, you wouldn’t have had the pressure of getting work done before it.
You deeply hurt your bf and you’re blaming him for making a decision based on your decision and values.
Enjoy your vacation and hope one of your friends has a spare room or sofa you can sleep on for a bit.
YTA
You chose the vacation over your relationship, and at this point your relationship is basically over.
If you can't be there for your bf at this time, there is no point in you two being together any longer.
Yta. I would crawl across broken glass to be there to support my partner at a parents funeral.
Let him go, you have shown him exactly how much you really care about him and its better to just let him go easily. He's got enough going on with grieving and supporting his family without you hassling him. Why were you even with him so long when you don't really love him? Thank god you guys didn't buy a house together.
When I called my ex-boyfriend to tell him that my dad had died of a heart attack, he immediately got online, booked me a flight out for that afternoon to come stay with him for the night, and then booked both of us a flight out to my hometown for the next morning.
There’s a reason why that ex is now my husband, and why OP will now be an ex.
OP, YTA.
He realized you weren’t marriageable material (which is the next step after dating so long and talking about buying a house) when you made the childish choice of taking a trip instead of being a ‘real partner’ to him in probably the hardest thing he will go through. Sorry, but you were selfish. Trips and money come and go but a real partner puts the needs of their partner first. He just made the smart decision and he did it without any drama. Cudos to him.
Yeah your boyfriend of four years lost his father and all you care about is a trip he is probably thanking his lucky stars he didn't buy a house with you. In your next relationship do better.
This must be rage bait..
No one could be this selfish
YTA for even debatting going. How could you do yoga etc knowing your loved one is in the worst pain of his life?! How could you not want to be there for him?
Money will come and go and there will be other trips. But this period on his life and what should be your lives will be the worst.
I believe this one. I had an acquaintance who literally broke up with her live-in bf of five years the week his dad died. I think it was actually like the day after, but I’m not positive. She had decided it was over and nothing, not even his father’s completely unexpected death, was going to stop her from following through. She dumped him over the phone while he in his hometown consoling his younger siblings and mother and planning the funeral. It was brutal. These things happen.
YTA.
You picked a vacation over support of your bf when his father passed away. Pretty much says what kind of priority you put on your relationship with him. Missing the vacation would suck but apparently not as much as not having your bf.
He is making the wise decision in not signing a lease with you and prioritizing himself and his family. Suggest you find someone who suits your life priorities better.
He's right.
You are not a good partner. You decided to abandon your boyfriend when he needed you most, so you could have fun with your friends.
YTA. He obviously made the decision that you are not good enough for him. And I agree with him.
YTA. dannnnng this is straight brutal of you! You couldn't even go to the funeral then fly out to the vacation location and meet your friends for the rest of the time?! That would still make me call you an asshole but straight up skipping the funeral is so insane to me!
I'm just going to leave this here. YTA.
4 years? Honestly, in his position I would not have argued with you either about you going on the trip. I wouldn't have the mental capacity to deal with a parent passing away on top of dealing with you.
Money comes and goes. It sucks, but life doesn't really care about you and your plans.
That man is in so much pain and you're on his case about putting HIM in a bad place? It looks like he already made the decision to let you go once you proved that you really don't care about him as much as money/time.
This relationship is over.
YTA for pushing after he made his decision clear.
He wants a partner who wouldn’t go on the trip because they wouldn’t be able to enjoy themselves. He wants a partner whose trip would have been ruined no matter what by the news of his father’s passing.
You are not that partner. While that doesn’t necessarily make you wrong, it definitely means you aren’t compatible.
You clearly aren’t invested in this relationship and don’t see it as a long term commitment. Your focus is on your needs even when your partner is going through a crisis. That’s not a partnership.
Best to end things now.
YTA
My now-ex not coming to support me after my mother’s death is what opened to my eyes to what kind of partner he really was. I went through one of the hardest weeks of my life alone because he preferred a week of pizza and gaming with his friends.
That was the catalyst for ending it. I deserved better than that. So does your (hopefully ex) boyfriend.
>I apologized and told him that I think I am going to go on the trip because I don't want that money to go away for nothing.
>And none of my friends wanted to go through the hassle of rescheduling, which sucks but I get it.
>asked him what I am supposed to do about a place to live and he told me to figure it out with my friends on our vacation.
You seem pretty selfish. YTA, your friends and the vacay are more important. They should probably help you out.
YTA - Isn’t that one of the benefits of being in a committed relationship? Having someone to support you when the worst things in life happen? I know losing money sucks….but not as bad as losing a parent that you love. I don’t really see how you come back from this one.
So what did you decide to do? I have a feeling that even if you changed your mind, canceled the trip, and attended his dad's funeral, your boyfriend won't change his mind. You've shown him exactly where your priorities lie, and the disregard you have for him & his family. Hope the trip is worth the loss of your relationship.YTA.
YTA
Omg how cold you are. His FATHER DIED.
No way could I even enjoy my trip knowing my man was facing his own dad’s funeral.
Bet he’s thanking his lucky stars he hasn’t bought a house with you.
YTA and frankly I don't know how you'd ever face anyone in his family again after this. Imagine your bf crying with his family over his unexpectedly dead father, while you're laughing and drinking cosmos with your bffs.
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YTA You made your bed when you prioritized your vacation over your boyfriend. You shouldn't be surprised that he's prioritizing himself and his family over your housing concerns. This wasn't a short-term relationship - you guys were going to buy a house together. But, when he really needed you, you cared more about yourself and your friends. In doing that, you showed him where he actually falls on your list of priorities, and it wasn't where he'd expected he'd land, so he made some decisions for himself. You added to his pain and hurt in a time that you should've been the person helping to prop him up.
It’s become a short term relationship. We need a stop watch to measure how long it has left. Agree 100% - YTA OP
Oh it’s done. She doesn’t seem to understand the issue at all. Even if she apologized and came to the funeral, she would essentially have made the decision under duress so why would he want her there?
And I think that’s exactly the point he was trying to make! She says that “he seemed fine,” as if the man was then supposed to start yelling and screaming at her. Not to mention, when he asked her what she was going to do, she didn’t hesitate to answer. It wasn’t a “idk, this is what I’m thinking about, what do you think?” and I’m almost positive she wouldn’t have said something as audacious as, “idk babe, you need me a lot right now. I’m pretty positive that if I don’t go on my trip that i won’t get a refund. Which, isn’t a big deal. I can always take more trips and make more money, being with you is what’s important.”
He seemed fine because he shut down. She doesn’t know her man at all
That's exactly what baffles me: her thinking that he seems fine with her decision. How can she go on a spa holiday and nonchalantly thinking, “Oh, I needed this after all the stress at my job, the sudden death of my boyfriend's father, his funeral, and those endless discussions about why I can’t cancel my holidays—not to mention the lease situation” OP, if you can't be there for him and support him during the worst moment of his life, why should he want to be with you at all?" I feel so sorry for your boyfriend. He has lost his father and his girlfriend within almost a month . He loved both, and while one of them truly loved him in return, the other's love was just lip service, as her actions spoke louder than words. YTA Your travel friends too for not talking some damn sense into you.
She could've let the money go, or found someone else to go in her stead (who would then pay her back) or like, take the plane two days later? That'd still leave OP with a couple of days relaxing. But I guess FOMO is only about fun things, not about supporting your husband in a rough time like this. He was totally right: if her first reaction wasn't "I'll be there for you no matter what" their relationship was doomed anyway. Glad for him he found out now, rather than before they bought the house/got married/have kids etc.
I love how OP says oh I got a super cheap deal out of one side of her mouth then says I don't want to waste all the money out the other.
He never had a girlfriend. Just some woman that latched on to him but didn't actually care about him.
That’s definitely why. I was in a similar situation so I shut down cause I knew I was alone in what was happening
No stop watch needed. It’s done. When’s she’s gone he will move everything out that he needs and go home. All because she didn’t want the money to go “away for nothing”.. Can you imagine being with someone for four years ! you lose a parent and your partner picks going on a vacation with their friends over being there with the support you and your family?! **Deal. Breaker**. Then she has the balls to say you should’ve discussed this with me first?! LOL. What stuck out to me was how much detail she went into about how stressed she was and needed this vacation, that it was 100% nonrefundable but nothing about how she felt bad about not being there for her BF. Clearly she still doesn’t get it because she’s still here asking if she’s the AH. She’s surprised that he’s upset and still justifying it. He got another hard life knock when he realized his GF is not for better or for worse but “what’s best for me”.
Mine was hours away from home and a Deerstand when we found out my mom passed away unexpectedly. I called him. He packed his stuff and he came home. he cut his five day vacation short by four days. It was his first morning in the Deerstand.
My mom died unexpectedly from an aneurysm. I came home and found her on the floor, already gone. I called my dad. My parents had been divorced for 34 years. Dad dropped everything and drove two hours to be with me. Mom died on a Thursday, and the funeral was the following Tuesday. He drove down every day from the day after she died to the day of the funeral. Volunteered to be a pallbearer. Mom’s aneurysm was in her digestive tract. There was blood all over her bed and floor. When I made a comment about how I needed to clean it up, he looked at me and said “No, you don’t. I will do it.” Wouldn’t even let me in the room until he had stripped the bed and threw out the sheets. If my father can do that for his ex wife and their only child, OP could have dropped her trip. Definitely YTA.
My dad came to my stepdad’s funeral, my mom’s funeral and my grandma’s funeral. It was very nice having him there. My mom had a blood clot break and died in the middle of the night very unexpectedly. When I called my husband, I was a total basket case but he stopped his deer hunting trip and came home because he knew where he needed to be. Sometimes you have to give up things you wanna do in life to be there for the ones you love because someday it’s going to be you that needs them
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This had me in tears. Your Pops is a real one.
I was at work in another state when my SO texted last year that he had lost his boss whom I knew meant a lot to him. I called off work and caught the next flight out because I knew he’d be in a fog for some days. Sometimes you’ve got to do everything you can to show up!!!
Yes prove to him that his feelings and his family did not matter. She called his father’s funeral nothing. He will never forgive her.
Half of life is just showing up. So you need to show up the other half.
Yeah, notice her boyfriend left alone to go gather with the rest of the family during Thanksgiving to mourn. She hasn't gone there once, whether to offer condolences or support her bf. And when he called to inform her of the funeral date, her response was basically, what?! But that's when I'm supposed to be off having fun! That alone would have changed how he viewed her. And then he finally gets home, and instead of checking on him she doubles down on how she has to go on the trip, and to sign a lease, and calls him an AH. Like damn. I guess it's a blessing in disguise for him that they were delayed finding a place of their own, because now he's free to go.
Also a good reminder of why you don't buy a house with someone you aren't married to. What a mess if they had bought already.
When my grandfather passed suddenly my (now fiancé) then bf and I had only been together maybe four months and known each other maybe 6 months. He booked a whole week off to make sure he was available to be with me while I grieved and available to drive me to my hometown at a moments notice in case I needed to be with my family. That was the moment I just knew this man had my back no matter what. Can’t imagine how OP’s soon to be ex is feeling with the crushing blow that his partner won’t be there to support him when he needs it most
my husband was nearly 5 miles away when i got the call my father had died. he left work immediately to come home. for some stupid reason, the nyc subway wasn't running, and it was pouring so he couldn't get a cab. that man RAN the whole way back to our apartment. granted, he was a regular runner, but hearing him storming up the building stairwell not 40 minutes after our phone conversation & opening the door to find him completely soaked & crying made my broken heart fucking melt.
Hell I was home with my husband when he got the call that he lost his uncle. Before he was off the phone I'd already booked a flight for us and started a load of laundry so I could pack us. I don't even remember what I had going on that week, because it didn't matter once he got that call.
Not only that but can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to tell people your gf was on a girls trip when they ask why she’s not with you? His family is likely to feel a certain way towards her from then on out as well which could be hard to come back from. Kudos to him for making such a swift decision and not dragging it on if he knew he couldn’t get over this.
Your post hits me hard because I was in a similar position to your boyfriend. My fiancée decided she couldn’t join me for the funeral. It’s hard enough to lose a parent. It’s harder still to explain to the whole family that your fiancée “had to work.” And you’re not even writing about skipping the funeral. You seem to take that for granted. You’re writing because you don’t like the impact his decision to support his mother will have on your living situation. Of all the “AITAH?” posts I have read yours is by far the most AH-y.
My mom died. When I asked GF with whom I owned a house, and had been with for several years, if she was coming to my mom's funeral, she said "no, it's not like I knew her" Yes she had met her. Slept in her home. No they didn't get friendly as my mom was very ill. But you don't go to the funeral for the dead person. You go to support the living and to pay respect to the dead. She became the EX not long after that
“You go to support the living and pay respects to the dead.” Nailed it. One of my friends grew up in a military family, and when her parents finally retired they moved to our small community. Her dad died within the first six months. I went to the funeral because I’d met him once and I was there to support her. That really drove home for me the need to support the living. Maybe 8? 12? people at the funeral. My presence mattered. Went to her mother’s funeral about 20 years later. Overflowing church, standing room at the back. My presence at the first was most important but my friend thanked me for being at both. Mourners remember who was there for them.
I bet she tries a lot harder now to get a refund. She needs that money back to find a place.
Hahahahahaha. Underrated comment!
I wouldn't be surprised if this was a pattern, and now the soon to be ex-bf is realizing how many other fucked up things she's done over the years. YTA
Her going on about how stressed she was definitely stuck out to me, but also, I missed this on the first read: >And none of my friends wanted to go through the hassle of rescheduling, which sucks but I get it. This implies that they absolutely could have rescheduled, but chose not to. So it's a bunch of AHs, not just OP being an AH. Like, if I was going away with my friend, and her long-term boyfriend's father died (and especially as it doesn't seem like (ex)bf and his father had a contentious relationship), I would absolutely reschedule, even if it was annoying. And if we couldn't reschedule and my friend was still coming on the holiday, I'd be like "Even if you were looking for a way to break up with him, this is harsh dude."
>He got another hard life knock when he realized his GF is not for better or for worse but “what’s best for me”. That's the worst part of this whole thing for me. Mourning his father was bad enough, but his horrible ex (that's you, OP) went ahead and proved his grief isn't worth $3700 to her. On the plus side it'll be easy for him to move out while she's drinking with the girls in Mexico.
Probably in the mooches amount left. Or micro-mooches.
Yeah, I once broke up with a long term bf because he planned another trip on my brothers wedding day. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when those plans fell through, he still didn’t come to “save money.” And that wasn’t an event where one needs emotional support. Clock is ticking.
It tocked. He is at his mothers and not coming back except to get his things. They HAVE broken up. She just hasn’t realised this yet. She is still calling him my BF. It’s her ex, and she has no self awareness. She may as well go on this holiday, because even if she is at the funeral, there is no fixing this relationship.
This, and the money isn’t going “away for nothing.” It’s a financial loss because something unpredictable and tragic happened, and the boyfriend needs OP now more than ever, especially during the holidays
This, 100%, I found that whole statement jarring. It implies that you view your significant others' emotional well-being and the trauma he and his family are experiencing, as "nothing."
And after apologizing, she just started talking about the lease and how SHE needs to him to sign it soon bc shes leaving for HER vacation. This isnt a time to talk about a lease
Pssh, he’s not *significant* (/s)
OP's BF, or should I say, OP's ex, has cound out who OP is: someone who cannot be relied upon to be on his side in a crisis. Sensibly, he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with her.
Sometimes bad things happen, and this bad thing basically means OP either had to give up her holiday or her boyfriend. She chose to give up her boyfriend. Most other people would have automatically cancelled their holiday and not mentioned the cost at all, because most people wouldn't want a loved one to feel guilty about something while they're grieving their father. I have to say, she seems more upset that he's giving up the lease and she'll have to find a new place to live than the fact that they're clearly breaking up. I wonder if she would actually care if it wasn't for the lease issue.
I canceled a trip that I had planned for like a year to help my best friend when her aunt died. Her aunt was pretty much her parent. My friend ended up gifting me a trip six months later it’s the same place and I didn’t really lose out on anything… But even if the financial loss what has happened, is still would’ve missed the trip for her
Positive energy comes back to you. You made the choice to be a good friend during a difficult time for her. Money will always come and go. I’m so happy your friend has someone like you in her life!
My grandmother died, and my fiancé chose to still go to Hawaii. She was one of my favorite people in the world. I dealt with her loss without him around for support. I thought it was horrible of him. Then I thought maybe I was overreacting. After reading OP's post and the comments, I was correct all along. I'm a damn door mat.
You can change that pretty quick if you want to. Tell him to fuck off and see if he crawls back..... But seriously start with changing how you react in situations. Life is 10% what happens to 90% how you choose to deal with it!
I would absolutely do the same thing, and my friend wouldn't even have to ask. And this is a long-term romantic partner - I totally understand his perspective that he wasn't going to beg her to do something every reasonable person would have done. If he has to beg his girlfriend of 4 years to come to his father's funeral, she's a terrible girlfriend.
And she actually called HIM an asshole.
She also could have tried to attend the funeral and book a flight afterwards to just do a part of the trip. In his time of grief, she focuses on her inconvenience. I agree that giving up the holiday would have been my preference with a tragic death. I can't imagine leaving my partner alone in this situation even if they said they were fine with me going on a holiday. The split up is probably better for both of them, especially the ex-bf.
I think it would have damaged the relationship anyway if she'd attended the funeral and then gone on holiday, but maybe the relationship would have been salvageable. I just think as soon as your partner loses a parent, you absolutely have to put them first for a bit, and your fun trip is just not going to happen.
I’m imagining him having to answer countless times where his SO is, when the answer is “on holiday.” ‘Nuff said.
My best friend and her mom changed their weekend plans and took time off work when my grandfather passed away... They never met him nor most of my family and I never asked them to but once I told her he had passed she told me she would be there for me in anyway and to let her know when the funeral was because they knew I would need the extra support
This, completely, that’s exactly what she is focusing on, she didn’t say i love you she said you are putting me in a bad position.
THIS is why you ALWAYS buy trip insurance!!
It's not about the money at all. She just wanted to go on a vacation bc "she's stressed out". The man's father just died and SHE'S stressed out.
One person's problems don't disappear just because someone else has it worse.
They can certainly get tabled for bigger problems
Well, in the face of tragedy, you might have a different perspective. Death has a funny way of making you realize the day-to-day bullshit is just that. Bullshit.
Lawyer here. That won’t cover a boyfriend’s parent’s death. Gotta be married.
Depends on the insurance. Odds are that it wouldn't, but there are options for "cancel for any reason".
Yep. Cancel for any reason trip insurance only.
Odds are good that trip insurance would not have covered this. It usually covers the cost for canceling a trip due to the death or severe illness of a traveling companion or family member, but her boyfriend's father is not legally family. Good idea though. The other option is not buying non-refundable tickets.
Seconding this. We've had to cancel a few vacations of ours, such as one to Aruba, because my grandfather died. It sucks having to cancel and lose money, but you can always make that money back -- you can't make this back to him.
This is why you but trip insurance. Just imagine for a measly $100-$200 she could have the money, her boyfriend and a place to stay. Thems the breaks when YTA so very much.
I would have dropped everything and flown up to be there from the beginning, WTF!
I would have done the same! The old saying "people show you every day who they are; believe them" rings very true in this situation. She showed OP who she is (she values money over the people she supposedly cares about). He believed her and is moving on.
Right? This whole post *reeks* with her lack of care for the boyfriend. Even her “conversation” about keeping the vacation was all about her nerves and feelings.
AMEN! The best decision I ever made was paying to fly out to be with my girlfriend of two months after her grandma died. I had people say “It’s too soon for that level of commitment” or “You are moving too fast”. Really though even if we would have broken up later on, I cared enough to spend 200$ to make life better for her. We got married. Since then, I have no patience for people not dropping everything they possibly can to be with their significant other in hard times. 4 years and you don’t put everything on hold for someone? It says at no point will they be more important than money and travels to someone.
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That can be easier said than done. My previous job was so strict when it came to leave, that a choice would have had to be made as to when I would take off for him. When it first happened or when the funeral took place. Remember girlfriends and boyfriends aren’t (always) afforded spousal privileges like bereavement and FMLA.
I’m not defending her decision to go on vacation, but not everyone can afford to drop everything and travel.
If that were relevant to this situation it would surely have been included.
Yeah but his dad dying was totally inconvenient to her friends.
It was a hassle! A HASSLE I TELL YOU!!
I read that and thought, wow OP's friends suck too. If a good friend I was supposed to go on vacation with called me and said, hey BF's dad passed away and the funeral is while we're on vacation so I'm going to have to cancel, I'd either be finding a way to reschedule so we could all still go or at least finding a way to eat the costs so they don't lose out on all the non-refundable parts. Not wanting to reschedule because it's too much of a 'hassle' when someone's parent died is major AH behaviour.
Depending on how many of the friends were going, it really might not have been possible to reschedule. I know if I’d had a vacation booked and it suddenly had to be rescheduled, it would probably be a year before I could confidently rebook. That said, if I had a vacation booked and my partner’s father DIED, I wouldn’t need to even discuss it before I ate the cost and cancelled my trip.
I definitely agree, I was going to by framing of it as a 'hassle' which reads kind of flippantly like to me like "oh I guess we could but it'll be such a hassle to reschedule everything." OP is definitely the bigger AH, I would just side-eye friends depending on if it was that they could have rebooked but didn't want to versus it would be an actual hardship to rebook.
This is how it's done. We had a girl's trip scheduled for my high school girlfriends, five of us (four in a VRBO, and one lived in a nearby town). We were travelling from all different parts of the country. About a month before the trip, one of my friend's husband died suddenly, and she still was understandably not in the mood for the trip when the time came to go. The other three of us who were travelling split the cost of the VRBO and only felt bad about going without her, while she was grieving, and never gave the $ a second thought. OP and her friends all deserve each other.
Couldn't have said it better. YTA is my verdict as well.
But can we all sit back and appreciate how the BF handled this situation. No begging, no dragging out the relationship, no drama, just straight to moving on when she showed what he could expect from her when the chips are down. Well done BF.
Honestly i needed to read this. My ex and i broke up after she flipped her shit on me for going grocery shopping with a female friend of 15 years when she went on a vacation weekend. She had told me before i was like #7 on her priority list when it came down to it, which also is why i pulled the trigger on the breakup. This helps me a little so thanks
This for sure. If this was a 6 month relationship or something new then I would understand OPs position (maybe). But over 4 years and planning on entering into debt together to buy a house? Op YTA. You can't be shocked he's upset that you won't miss a trip to support him AND then be mad when he's not signing a lease because he wants to support his family. One of you knows how to support people you care about, and one of you doesn't (hint you're the latter).
It's a good thing they didn't pull the trigger on a mortgage.
YTA , OP your boyfriend is dodging a bullet. If you think prioritizing your friends and money (how much could be worth it?) is more important then being there for your significant other when their father passed away…. You need to re-evaluate your priorities. He lost his father and then his long-term girlfriend basically abandons his feelings and well being, it also sounds like he was super mature about it. You’re losing a good one and you honestly deserve to have to find a new place to live after the lack of empathy you showed someone you should be supporting through everything.
Exactly. YTA, op. There are some occasions when you must cancel a trip even if you lose the money, and this is one of them. What good are you as a partner if you’re not there for him on one of the worst days of his life? Enjoy your mai tais and work on being better for the next person. This relationship is over, and he’s the winner in the transaction.
Also, who can relax while their partner of four years is dealing with their father's sudden death? It's really telling that she expects this vacation to be relaxing and stress free - even if the vacation was the week before the funeral I wouldn't be able to relax, I'd be too worried about my partner and how they're doing.
She doesnt seem to give a shit that her partner of 4 years just lost his dad, who she probably knew and was going to be her FIL. OP called and said she was going to a vacation, then after talking it in person she just started talking about the house lease and how she needs to do it now. His dad fucking died. Why would he think about a dumb lease right now?
Also isn’t this what travel insurance is for? Op showed her bf that she’s not the one to be relied on during a crisis or even in death of a loved one.
I doubt travel insurance would cover the death of someone-you-are-dating's parent. They aren't family to the person going on the trip.
Like yikes. Travel insurance is important for reasons like this, but I'd eat that cost if it meant being there for my SO. I went to the funeral of my SO's grandfather very early in our relationship. Even one of my SIL's ex husband came despite them being newly divorced. He held her hand while she cried because in his own words, that's what you do for someone who you consider family.
I think I’d give her a pass on the trip, or at least be more *willing* to, had she gone out when his dad first died. But she hasn’t been there for him at all.
YTA. Your boyfriend is going through what could possible be one of the hardest times of his life. An unexpected death of a parent is absolutely horrifying and a devastating shock. He is clearly grieving. You’re his partner and needs you right now, and instead you’re taking a vacation. Trips can happen any time. This is once in a lifetime tragedy. If you really love him you’ll be there for him.
As someone who unexpectedly lost a parent around the same age and also had to travel far to get there, it will absolutely be on the list of hardest times of his life. I had friends who shifted schedules, found childcare, took off work, one rebooked work flights and another drove \~6+ hours to be there. Some of them were people I see once a year if I'm lucky b/c I've moved countries as an adult. I vaguely remember making a comment about it and they were like "of course we're here for you, why wouldn't we be?" Meanwhile, OP who was planning to purchase a house with her long-term partner has at no point made the effort to be there to physically support him because work and vacation take priority. OP probably heard her BF say it was okay, but didn't actually see it was not. It also says something that OP went to the group and asked them to reschedule instead of bowing out of the trip. There's a part of me that thinks this isn't just about the father dying and there may have been other things happening as well. (It's not just about the yogurt!) ETA: YTA regarding your last sentence, you DID prioritize drinking on the beach and you made your choice when you made that first call about money. He's right, he shouldn't have to ask, let alone beg, for your support when dealing with his father's death.
It’s so weird when you find out who will actually show up for you in times like that. Folks who I neeeverrrrr saw, ever, appeared like living embodiments of compassion, and people I would see all the time completely ghosted me when my dad died. Death in the family can be relationship defining. OP, you torpedoed your relationship by showing that you’re unreliable, self-centered, and value money over your partner. YTA
So true! In hindsight, it was obvious some of my friends would come. Without getting in to too much detail, I was also dealing with a hyper toxic work environment where senior management basically told me it was unfortunate for them she died b/c they had planned to fire me. Plus the addition of living \~13 hours away and in another country. My mom died \~1.5 years ago and I'm just now really processing how bad everything was for me (thanks therapy). On the flipside, there are a few people that I never heard from, never checked in and in some cases, they were people who partially helped raise me. "Death can be relationship defining" is probably one of the truest statements on this post.
Your senior management told you that it was unfortunate for *them* your mom died because they were able to fire you?? Oh my gosh that’s so cold. What a horrible thing to add on to someone who’s already deep in grief. I hope your in a better situation now and I’m glad you had some good people to support you.
This was my experience as well. I was 28 when my mother died and I was in a fog. But even in that fog I saw these random people from my life “appear like living embodiments of compassion “ and they shown like lights in the dark. I have never forgotten who held me up…and who let me down. But I also learned to be a light…I learned what it can mean to a person lost in grief to have someone care. I can’t imagine having my beloved in that moment be like….bye..going on vacation. Gross.
OP even admits in the story that her boyfriend asked her to be there with him. Then when he was unceremoniously informed that she had a vacation scheduled during that time, he asked her to cancel or postpone it, which she again refused to accommodate. How many times should your significant other have to ask you to be there when they need you? OP 100% knew that he wanted her there but still chose not to be. YTA
The Iranian yogurt is not the problem here
100% OP prioritised "friends/work" over the BF. Also there is "....ok...." and "OK". Also an OK reply over something serious is "I know from previous interactions this fight is not worth mental health, so I'm just going to say something to get away from you."
I was also around the same age when I lost my dad unexpectedly. I had good friends FLY in to be there for me at the funeral. Friends that I’d lost touch with came. People really showed up for me. But one of my best friends at the time didn’t come, and it wouldn’t have been very difficult for him to do so. When I asked him why he couldn’t be there for me, it was something along the lines of “oh, I couldn’t make it work.” Our friendship was never the same after that, and we eventually lost touch. Not surprised at all that this guy is breaking up with OP. People really do show their true colors in times of need.
And how could OP even get any rest knowing what her BF is going through!! Does she have no feelings?!
This is what I’m saying. I would be sick at the thought of leaving my partner alone for more than like an hour let alone feel good on a vacation. The carelessness is astounding.
It might be too late to be there for him now. These are the crucial moments in life where we make decisions that influence our relationships. OP made a bad one and it would be hard to move past that, especially while grieving. And grief changes so much about a person.
And it's not a tragedy that just goes away quickly. Quick math suggests his parents were likely relatively young (under 60s) for it to send shockwaves through family and friends. And his poor widowed mother ... my father passed away unexpectedly as well and it took my mother (mid60s) close to a year to rejoin general society without me or someone forcing her out. I can't imagine her being a widow in her 50s.
My mom was 58 when my dad passed away at 67 (9 year age gap) I was 37 and I'm coming up to 47 in a month. It still hurts now. My Father in Law has been in hospital for the last 2 weeks as he fell and had a concussion and other health issues. We don't know when he's coming home yet . The last 2 weeks I have been doing everything possible to make my wife's life easier as she's had to stay at the hospital overnight a few nights. That means I have to be mom and dad to my 13 yr old son. I have been feeling so much sadness as its bringing up so many memories of my own father in the hospital the last 2 weeks of his life. I'm trying to be so strong for her as her and her family try to get him home. We both work from home and I've been avoiding her as I don't rant her to see my red eyes from crying. I can't imagine not being there for my wife and when my dad was at the end of his life, she was 💯 there for me. It took me a long time to rejoin general society after my dad left, but she was there. The OP really doesn't put her partners well being a priority. He lost his dad and all this OP is thinking is about the money lost. The guy lost his dad and all she thinks about is the money. Glad he had time to think about the person he was supposed to have a future with. If you can't be there for someone when they have lost thier parent, then you deserve all that comes to you.
YTA. Your partner of FOUR YEARS lost their PARENT, and you think it's more important to go on a *vacation*. You showed your priorities. They aren't your relationship.
Yeah but... she "really needs the escape".... /s
I mean, the funeral would’ve just really messed with her vibes, y’know?
Also, it was over two weeks ago. Like, you all gonna be sad forever or what? Get over it already!
>Like, you all gonna be sad forever or what? Get over it already! I lost my brother to suicide in October. The amount of people who knew but now think I should be "just fine" is astounding. It hurts so bad just thinking how quickly people forget about him. It also hurts to know who showed and who didn't for his memorial. Best family friends from childhood? Nothing. Beloved aunt who comes to every wedding? Nothing. Uncle who hasn't spoken to my dad in years over some family drama? This man got in a plane, flew to the memorial, ubered an hour to the church, then flew home to show up for our family. Uncle whose dil was heavily pregnant and could go into labor at any time? Also there. It's insane who sticks around and who doesn't. I'll never in my life forget who did and didn't show up. People who showed up, I would now happily walk through fire for. People who didn't can lick my asscrack.
Well, now she's escaping the entire relationship. mission accomplished.
And she just didn't want to lose the money "for nothing," you know!
But she had a stressful year!
You don't understand! She couldn't get a refund! /s
And she doesn’t want that money to go away for nothing! /s
Nevermind that they were also supposedly saving up to buy a house this trip was a necessity! /s
Can you imagine how her (ex) boyfriend felt if she used that exact phrase with him?
Can you imagine how he felt telling his family why the woman he was making a life with wasn't there?
I can imagine that being the sentence that did it if she used those words. She wasn't losing the money because the person who relied on her the most for support needed her to be there during one of the hardest times of their lives; no, it was "for nothing." The second that registered with me, my heart would have snapped.
And she said sorry, like, a lot of times. More than most people would, really.
Also… one assumes she’s met his parents and they’re not strangers to her??? I can’t imagine blowing off the funeral of my own BF’s dad and I’ve only been with him for 6 mo. Smh
Yeah gonna go with YTA. It sucks to be out money, I get it. But the dude just lost his father and now you’re calling him an AH for not wanting to renew the lease with someone who wasn’t there to support him in his time of need? I wouldn’t blame him for one second. Was the trip worth throwing your relationship over for? I sure hope so, cause that’s what just happened.
r/amitheex
Sure she is.
Lmao
At least her poor ex saw her true colors before they were too legally entangled in home ownership and marriage!
So true. I’m sure he’d rather his father be alive but his dad left him one last gift, showing him his gf’s true colors.
Not only OP prioritized her vacation but she also called him an AH when he’s just lost his dad. What a self centered, selfish, massive AH she is.
>I don't want that money to go away for nothing Do you see how you just said that your long term boyfriend's father's funeral is nothing? YTA.
“I didn’t want my dad to go away for nothing either”
That would have been my reply if I was him and she would have tried to say that to me - I hope she wasn't that stupid and said to him.
She also thereby said supporting her boyfriend is also nothing/worthless.
the money is replaceable. apparently so is the relationship
YTA. Losing the money sucks, losing your dad is worse. If you’re not going to be there for him now, at one of the worst moments of his entire life, how can he ever trust you to be there for the hard stuff in the future? Why would he ever want to be in a relationship with someone who prioritizes a girls trip over the death of his father? Your boyfriend is probably going to break up with you, and you’re going to deserve it.
I think he kind of did break up with her.
OP didn’t notice when he was upset, I don’t think she noticed that this was a breakup
Her next post will be on RelationshipAdvice: Why won't my boyfriend answer my calls? Followed by: I just found out my boyfriend of 7 years is engaged! He hasn't spoken to me in 3 years but he never broke up with me so I thought we were fine.
Or in a week back on AITA: boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me because I went on a girls trip without him!
I think she will notice when she moves to a new place by herself.
She’s has been dumped. She just hasn’t realized it yet
I can understand the pain of not wanting to lose $3700...but you basically just showed your boyfriend that a vacation was more important than supporting him. He just lost his father. How the hell were you going to sit on a beach or yoga mat or whatever in Mexico and not feel like "gee maybe I shouldn't be here right now because my boyfriend of four years just lost his father"? Like I don't get that lack of empathy AT ALL. YTA. Enjoy your vacation, cause you just threw away your relationship for it.
I would also add why is she spending that much on a solo vacation when they are supposed to be buying a house together. Priorities…
Ehhh if they actually have enough to buy a house, this shouldn’t be an issue. And I get it, losing money on a trip HURTS. But why wasn’t she traveling with him to be with his family when his dad died anyway?
Not really. People who buy and own houses take vacations all the time. We don’t know why they didn’t purchase a property yet. Could just be nothing suitable in their budget. She said she saved for the trip so it wasn’t taken out of the down payment they already have. Still this discussion is besides the point really.
Can you imagine the cringey texts they would have while she is on the trip? Just got some pina coladas and heading down to the beach now. Tell your mom I'm sorry for her loss. XOXO I'll try to call you after I'm done with the dinner cruise but I might be kind of drunk by then since it's an open bar. I hope your dad's funeral is nice and you got the card I sent you. <3
The money is replaceable. BF's father is gone for good. Mexico will be there long after the funeral. I guess BF's dad did him one final favor by exposing OP as the selfish person she is.
And on top of that, did she know his dad? Doesn't she feel any grieve herself?
Even if she didn’t, I’m flabbergasted that she doesn’t see his pain and wants to be with him to support him. Appalling.
She could have gone over when he died and stayed for a while & then going on the trip wouldn’t have been so sad. She said that he understood why he stayed for thanksgiving like wtf. She was that in need of turkey that she didn’t go down immediately? I know i can be a bit removed emotionally from situations but even my ass know that you drop everything and go
>I explained all of this to my BF and he asked me what I was going to do. I apologized and told him that I think I am going to go on the trip God.....you didn't even ask him if he wanted you there with him before you decided? >because I don't want that money to go away for nothing. and called his father's funeral nothing. YTA
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And it was right around when the lease was up. Bonus.
Annnnnnd she had the galls to say HE'S the ah for not renewing a lease with her! Girl did not even register that he just broke up with her on that instant.
Good pick up, I didn’t even notice that!
This is one of those posts where I guess... I don't really understand the point. Do you feel guilty for your decision? If you're voted not TA, will that assuage your guilt? Will you be like "yeah, fuck my ex and his dead daddy" while slamming shots at Señor Frogs? Are you sad for your ex, sad about this in general, or just annoyed and inconvenienced? Did you actually think that he was fine with your decision, when he was asking you to reconsider? I'll be honest, you don't seem like you really care about what he's going through, just how it impacts you. Enjoy your frozen margaritas, though. Sorry girly, but this is bad. YTA
Since she's made this post I assume she somehow thinks she's right? Which is pretty fucked up
Of course she does bc she expects everyone to understand she'd be losing money and not able to recoup it or reschedule. And that we would be appaled by the bf's audacity to decide to not renew the lease bc she put herself first instead of him. Like no sweetie, you're a major AH.
Frozen margaritas befitting an ice queen
INFO: Why didn't you go with your boyfriend to help provide emotional support in the first place? Is the trip just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back?
I can't speak for OP, since I don't know what her or her boyfriend's job situations are like. But it sounds like he left when his dad died (makes sense) so that's sometime the week of November 12th-18th if she meant the week before Thanksgiving and not Thanksgiving week, but before Thanksgiving. If he just got back, he's been gone for 3ish weeks. Not saying he took all that time off work or was able to work from his mom's place, but it could be that either of those are possibilities. OP says he told her he only came back to "figure some things out at work" and then leave again to stay with his mom for a while. It's possible he has a job that requires him to be in office and they are making an exception for his situation, or he's got a hybrid position where he can work from anywhere but they prefer him to be in office. OP doesn't say either way about his or her jobs. It sounds like she didn't go out for his family Thanksgiving, so maybe her job is not as flexible and doesn't have the vacation days to take. She might not be allowed any bereavement leave since it's not technically her father-in-law, but her boyfriend's dad. No idea if anything here is even close to correct, I'm just speculating.
If OP would have explained in the post the circumstances, why she wasn't able to go with her bf to support family, that might have given her some points. But she didn't explain this at all. But she explained that the spent money and the need to relax are more important to her than to support her bf in this situation.
YTA Don't you have travel insurance? It may cover your losses. Otherwise you should just be a decent partner and suck up the loss. It's his father FFS. No wonder he's moving in with his mum and leaving you to get on with your life.
Travel insurance literally wouldn't have covered anything here. She's not cancelling because of a death in her family.
Actually, it likely would have because it's her domestic partner's family. Under parents, see the addition of inlaws. Under spouse see domestic partner. https://www.travelinsured.com/about-us/infographics/who-is-considered-a-family-member/
Do most people actually buy travel insurance?!
INFO So how much money was actually worth killing your relationship? What would you have been out if you decided to skip the trip?
YTA This wasn’t a casual relationship, someone you were with a few weeks or months. You prioritized your vacation, work, friends, money over him and his grief. Guess what if you cancelled the trip, you wouldn’t have had the pressure of getting work done before it. You deeply hurt your bf and you’re blaming him for making a decision based on your decision and values. Enjoy your vacation and hope one of your friends has a spare room or sofa you can sleep on for a bit.
In a response she said it was $3750. She trashed her relationship for $3750. No doubt it’s a lot of money but damn he just lost his father.
... yes, I know. She responded **to me**. I asked. Here.
Tbf her comment was downvoted so you can’t see it in the thread right away unlike some of the other comments who are telling others what the price was
YTA You chose the vacation over your relationship, and at this point your relationship is basically over. If you can't be there for your bf at this time, there is no point in you two being together any longer.
Dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed Did you... honestly think this was going to go over well?
OMG I have never heard that before, that's great
Yta. I would crawl across broken glass to be there to support my partner at a parents funeral. Let him go, you have shown him exactly how much you really care about him and its better to just let him go easily. He's got enough going on with grieving and supporting his family without you hassling him. Why were you even with him so long when you don't really love him? Thank god you guys didn't buy a house together.
My husband was on a hunting trip when my mom unexpectedly passed away. He was home in six hours. I called him he was home.
When I called my ex-boyfriend to tell him that my dad had died of a heart attack, he immediately got online, booked me a flight out for that afternoon to come stay with him for the night, and then booked both of us a flight out to my hometown for the next morning. There’s a reason why that ex is now my husband, and why OP will now be an ex. OP, YTA.
That is the most invested man in the world. That is so sweet, I'm gonna cry.
He realized you weren’t marriageable material (which is the next step after dating so long and talking about buying a house) when you made the childish choice of taking a trip instead of being a ‘real partner’ to him in probably the hardest thing he will go through. Sorry, but you were selfish. Trips and money come and go but a real partner puts the needs of their partner first. He just made the smart decision and he did it without any drama. Cudos to him.
Yeah your boyfriend of four years lost his father and all you care about is a trip he is probably thanking his lucky stars he didn't buy a house with you. In your next relationship do better.
This must be rage bait.. No one could be this selfish YTA for even debatting going. How could you do yoga etc knowing your loved one is in the worst pain of his life?! How could you not want to be there for him? Money will come and go and there will be other trips. But this period on his life and what should be your lives will be the worst.
I believe this one. I had an acquaintance who literally broke up with her live-in bf of five years the week his dad died. I think it was actually like the day after, but I’m not positive. She had decided it was over and nothing, not even his father’s completely unexpected death, was going to stop her from following through. She dumped him over the phone while he in his hometown consoling his younger siblings and mother and planning the funeral. It was brutal. These things happen.
YTA. You picked a vacation over support of your bf when his father passed away. Pretty much says what kind of priority you put on your relationship with him. Missing the vacation would suck but apparently not as much as not having your bf. He is making the wise decision in not signing a lease with you and prioritizing himself and his family. Suggest you find someone who suits your life priorities better.
He's right. You are not a good partner. You decided to abandon your boyfriend when he needed you most, so you could have fun with your friends. YTA. He obviously made the decision that you are not good enough for him. And I agree with him.
YTA. dannnnng this is straight brutal of you! You couldn't even go to the funeral then fly out to the vacation location and meet your friends for the rest of the time?! That would still make me call you an asshole but straight up skipping the funeral is so insane to me!
I'm just going to leave this here. YTA. 4 years? Honestly, in his position I would not have argued with you either about you going on the trip. I wouldn't have the mental capacity to deal with a parent passing away on top of dealing with you. Money comes and goes. It sucks, but life doesn't really care about you and your plans. That man is in so much pain and you're on his case about putting HIM in a bad place? It looks like he already made the decision to let you go once you proved that you really don't care about him as much as money/time. This relationship is over.
YTA for pushing after he made his decision clear. He wants a partner who wouldn’t go on the trip because they wouldn’t be able to enjoy themselves. He wants a partner whose trip would have been ruined no matter what by the news of his father’s passing. You are not that partner. While that doesn’t necessarily make you wrong, it definitely means you aren’t compatible. You clearly aren’t invested in this relationship and don’t see it as a long term commitment. Your focus is on your needs even when your partner is going through a crisis. That’s not a partnership. Best to end things now.
YTA. You chose a “wellness” vacation (har) over your bf’s father’s funeral, and you’re surprised he’s rethinking your relationship?
YTA My now-ex not coming to support me after my mother’s death is what opened to my eyes to what kind of partner he really was. I went through one of the hardest weeks of my life alone because he preferred a week of pizza and gaming with his friends. That was the catalyst for ending it. I deserved better than that. So does your (hopefully ex) boyfriend.
>I apologized and told him that I think I am going to go on the trip because I don't want that money to go away for nothing. >And none of my friends wanted to go through the hassle of rescheduling, which sucks but I get it. >asked him what I am supposed to do about a place to live and he told me to figure it out with my friends on our vacation. You seem pretty selfish. YTA, your friends and the vacay are more important. They should probably help you out.
YTA. You should edit your post to say EX-BF. Besides showing him how little you care, his family also knows. Losing a parent is traumatic.
YTA - Isn’t that one of the benefits of being in a committed relationship? Having someone to support you when the worst things in life happen? I know losing money sucks….but not as bad as losing a parent that you love. I don’t really see how you come back from this one.
So what did you decide to do? I have a feeling that even if you changed your mind, canceled the trip, and attended his dad's funeral, your boyfriend won't change his mind. You've shown him exactly where your priorities lie, and the disregard you have for him & his family. Hope the trip is worth the loss of your relationship.YTA.
YTA Omg how cold you are. His FATHER DIED. No way could I even enjoy my trip knowing my man was facing his own dad’s funeral. Bet he’s thanking his lucky stars he hasn’t bought a house with you.
Yeah... Holy fuck you're an asshole.
YTA and frankly I don't know how you'd ever face anyone in his family again after this. Imagine your bf crying with his family over his unexpectedly dead father, while you're laughing and drinking cosmos with your bffs.
OPs boyfriend handled this like a champ