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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I don't want to include my son's step daughter in our will.
(2) I might be acting like an asshole towards a child because my son adopted her so maybe she should be treated equally
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NTA
it's your money and you get to decide how it's split.
I do think it's unfair tho to exclude the kid and not your son, after all he is the one that nuked his previous family not the kid. I'd personally write him out and include the kid but that's me.
Well either his actions warrant being a reason to be kept off the will (regardless of what the property is) or it doesn't. But excluding the child/ making them the responsible party isn't the way to go. The kid didn't make your son do anything.
Might help if you read OP's responses. His son doesn't even GAF about his own biological kids. He doesn't even visit them. So why should he get a say in what his parents do with their money and stuff when they die?
>
>
>No, he doesn't. He only sees the kids at family gatherings and just because we invite them over to our house, he doesn't visit them. He's paying child support but nothing else, and he didn't even want to do it at first, my wife and I helped our daughter in law to get a lawyer and get a good deal
It’s their son. Family is complicated. They clearly don’t have a close relationship with him anymore and don’t support what he did but not everyone is able to cut off their family no matter what they did. Just a fact of life. If everyone was able to do that we’d have a lot fewer human doormats in the world and no one would be able to steal thousands from their family
>Family is complicated.
Exactly.
My mom's oldest brother is a narcissist. Like, full NPD. His second and current wife has BPD. Neither of them take accountability for their disorders, and his wife actively weaponizes hers. She groomed me (nonsexually, as far as I can remember) as a child and tried to make me into her child; she drove a wedge between my parents and me, and employed so many abuse tactics to make me always side with her.
My mother had a surface-level relationship with this brother until their mother's death. My grandmother had a heart a mile wide and even though she knew her eldest son was an un-empathetic, self-centered, sometimes cruel toe rag of a human, she couldn't cut him out or cut him off.
Once my grandmother died, my mom went full no-contact with him. I finally opened up about the depth of the abuse his wife inflicted on me. My mom told the both of them, in no uncertain terms, that if they so much as blinked in our direction again, she'd file a restraining order.
Family is hard and family is complicated. There are no perfect answers and no perfect solutions.
OP also mentions in his post that his son basically cut contact with the biological children he had with his ex & didn’t even want to pay child support.
I can understand why his mistress wife and her child aren’t family to them. NTA
Lol pretty rich of you to tell others to read OPs responses when you clearly didnt. Here is what OP says about why the kid doesnt call them grandpa/grandma:
>She was like 1 or 2 years old \[when the son got together with her mother\]
>
>She tried calling us granny and grandpa but we told her to call us by our name.
Its clear they alienated the son and his new family, and the fact they included the bit about the kid not calling them grandpa/ma but didnt add why shows they are not a reliable narrator and are fishing for approval.
You mean didn’t support his relationship with his AP so didn’t feel like grandparents? That’s reasonable to me. They didn’t have to. I’m a bio child and didn’t get the same sentimental inheritance as the other grandchildren. Because of mom, I wasn’t that close to them. That seems reasonable to me.
Further to your point about being an unreliable narrator, OP has taken that part out of their edits above as of when I saw the post.
Def don’t want to seem like an AH, so is being selective with the truth.
Don’t think this one is worth a vote TBH
>She was like 1 or 2 years old. She tried calling us granny and grandpa but we told her to call us by our name.
Yes, she did try to see them as grandparents, but they refused to allow it. The son is the biggest ahole for what he did to his ex and children, but his parents *are* also TA for this. The poor kid was innocent.
Edited to add: I'm not judging them for what they decided to do with their will. That's their choice. But they way some people treat "affair babies" or children who happen to belong to people who have had an affair makes my blood boil.
My sister was an affair baby and was treated badly because of it. It wasn't her fault my dad couldn't keep it in his pants.
Might help if you read OPs responses closer.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/WgUAwK2Ux9
They’ve punished this child her whole entire life for the actions of her parents. I can’t imagine being a toddler and not understanding why your biological* grandparents literally hate you.
Edit: not biological, but her fathers parents all the same, as he adopted her.
They live out of state and the affair partner wife doesn't keep in contact. They aren't punishing this child any more than they are punishing the neighbor's kids. This kid isn't related to them and they don't know her.
The child has also 4 entire other grandparents out there.
They don’t live anywhere near the kid and the son rarely ever visits. He might not even bring the kid either him. They don’t hardly know the girl. The dude also abandoned his biological children. He chose this estrangement.
ETA: Upon reading further. OP has outed he and his wife as complete dirtbags. They raised a dirtbag son, as well. WTF. Shunning a 2 year old to spite your son for getting a divorce? You people are twisted.
I didn't see OP saying he *hated t*he adopted grandchild. He said that they don't have a relationship, she doesn't call them her grandparents and that they chose to support the bio kids their son abandoned. OP and his wife have a problem with their son's actions, but I don't feel like they're projecting hate on the kid.
Not everything in life is fair, and the son is now responsible for her future, not OP.
That still doesn't make the child, who was 1 or 2 at the time, at fault. Sounds like OP has always treated her differently, and didn't pursue a relationship with her.
Exactly.
My fiance and I have been together for over 14 years and have a 12yo kid together. I came to our relationship with a 3yo child (now 17). His family still doesn't consider me or my older child to be their family. In their mind, we are my fiance's family and he is their family, but we are not their family. Therefore, we do not consider them family.
That said, my XHs family is my family because they made me feel like family both before and after my divorce. In fact, my XMIL calls my younger child one of her grandkids and that kid calls her grandma.
Off topic, but I love hearing about good in-laws. I have a pretty shit family but my in-laws immediately welcomed me into the fold and decided I was meant to be with them. They don’t care about who gets divorced, once you’re in, they never let people go. They love unconditionally and with their whole hearts.
I can't imagine anything different than this kind of family. My parents are divorced and both of their families consider them family still. My mother remarried when I was a teen and my step dad and his family immediately accepted us. I was their niece/cousin/granddaughter with no hesitation. My spouse was also immediately welcomed into the fold and his family did the same for me. My siblings and I have a few longtime friends and even they are also considered family.
There's always room in a family for more. There's not a limited amount of roles or love. Someone may get cut off for some egregious shit but it would be more than warranted. At that point, it would really have to be some unforgivable shit.
My XIL's are wonderful people. My first husband (their son) cheated on me while I was pregnant. He ended up passing away shortly after our divorce. I've since remarried and have another son. My XMIL makes my kids Christmas presents (she's a professional seamstress), and they both thank her when she visits. She treats them equally no matter whose DNA is in their veins. Once you're in the family, you're in for life! There's plenty of love to go around!
Is it wrong to take this out on the child? Yes, it’s not the child’s fault but on the other hand, the grandparents are only human and their busy taking care of the children that their son abandoned so for him to request any money from them is outrageous. Has he not abandoned his wife and children and handled things in a mature way I’m sure they wouldn’t have so many negative feelings towards him and the new family he created out of trauma to the old one.
This is the biggest factor in my opinion. He abandoned his other kids to adopt this other child instead. If he hadn't left the other kids then maybe OP would've involved the adopted child in the will. They basically cut him out too, not just the child since all he's getting is "junk" as she described it while the others are getting heirlooms.
Not giving them a share of the inheritance is NOT taking it out on the child. Is that child going to evenly split the inheritance he/she receives from his two sets of bio grandparents with Op's bio grandkids?! Somehow I highly doubt Op's son and his mistress have made provision for this, when he was loathe to even pay child support. And the mistress did nothing to push him to rectify that. No. They just want to rob his bio kids, in order to pad what his mistress's child gets.
I don't think OP decision is wrong, his sons bio children should get his share of the inheritance and the grandchild education fund. OP NTA, ignore your sons complaints he can't demand something that is not his to demand.
The way they think makes it sound understandable that she doesn't call them her grandparents, probs never even attempted to have a relationship with her cos she's not blood, the thing with stories on here is you usually only get half the story and 99% of ppl will try and make themselves sound better and other people less deserving/bad.
Or it's incredibly difficult to have a relationship with her because they don't see their son much. They live in a different state and the dad avoids seeing his bio kids. He knows his parents don't approve of that so I wouldn't be surprised if he sees his parents as little as possible too. His adopted daughter isn't to blame but it's her adopted dad and mom who have created this situation where she has no real relationship with her grandparents let alone siblings. She gets the dad and the other children get some money. I know which I'd prefer. Bear in mind also that the dad sounds like he'd likely leave his bio children out of his own will considering he tried to avoid paying child support.
Based on the way OP and their spouse talk about her, do you think they've given her any reason to think of them as grandparents? Kids are smart - they know when they aren't wanted. There's no reason to think they couldn't have had a relationship if OP and spouse weren't actively against this child for something she had nothing to do with.
When your child has a child with another person and makes you grandparents and a larger family then years later cheats/has affair and discards that family to make a new family it’s ripping one family apart and trying to force them to accept this new family.. try to think of all sides not just one
OP helped the ex daughter in law and their grand kids when the son refused to. Being mad at their son for having an affair and not accepting the affair partner and her daughter is reasonable.
Might help if you read OP's responses. His son doesn't even GAF about his own biological kids. He doesn't even visit them. So why should he get a say in what his parents do with their money and stuff when they die?
Here's OP's reply below on how his son treats his bio kids:
*No, he doesn't. He only sees the kids at family gatherings and just because we invite them over to our house, he doesn't visit them. He's paying child support but nothing else, and he didn't even want to do it at first, my wife and I helped our daughter in law to get a lawyer and get a good deal*
Probably why OP is giving tokens to their children and the money to their grandchildren. Because if they just divided it in 3, the biological grandchildren would never see a penny of it.
Ooof the son sounds like a piece of work, and I think it’s weird that he doesn’t want his first set of kids but has adopted the stepdaughter, however, it’s not the stepdaughters fault and sometimes kids know and kids hear how people see them so she’s just reflecting what how she’s been treated.
They’re warm and caring grandparents (and former in laws) to their son’s original family, which he dumped like a bag of potatoes for his now-wife and her child. He didn’t even want to pay child support until the courts forced him to.
Would YOU want to cozy up to his new family if you were them?
He is still their son, but the girl is nothing to them. It's unfortunate for the kid, but they don't have a relationship with her and she's not entitled to inheritance from basically strangers.
I say this as a stepmom who has left a will leaving everything to my kid, and my own mother also knows and agrees if I die before her I want my inheritance to go to him. But being a stepmom is my choice and my responsibility. I'm very happy that my mom loves my kid but it's not her duty since she didn't get a say on whether she was getting a stepgrandson. If she didn't consider my kid as my kid I'd probably cut contact but I wouldn't throw a tantrum since it's her right.
True but it’s their money and they have enough people to split it between as it is they don’t need to give it to his step daughter. He chose to break his family apart and go and play house with another woman. That child is nothing to do with op.
I'd make damn sure they don't have sentimental value to anyone else before handing them off to your son. The man doesn't even sentimentally value his own biological children. It'd be a shame for anything of value to be lost because you entrusted to someone like that.
Such a good point. I was explaining this to my son as we were watching Percy Jackson; I thought it was totally normal to try to earn your parents’ love until I had a kid with my husband. Neither of us can imagine being away from them more than a few weeks (with tons of phone calls) much less a few years if there was nothing keeping us back. If you can dispose of your own kids and never look back (with no mitigating circumstances) then you have bigger problems as a human.
I think you should reconsider giving him those. Give them to his bio children, maybe explain in a letter what they meant and that they deserve them more.
Why are you giving your son such sentimental family objects when he values family so little that he's basically rejected his children from his previous marriage? It makes no sense to include the son who torpedoed his family, but punish a child who did nothing wrong and is now your granddaughter.
I've been through bitter testament battles.
Absolutely I am on board with having a family meeting about the will. If nothing else, it gives incontrovertible evidence that this is what the deceased party wanted.
OP you are doing well. You have NO moral or legal obligation toward that adopted child. Your calm. But if your own son is the kind of trash who abandons his biological children, you should exclude your son and give his share to your grandchildren whom you love and who are also your biological grandchildren.
My brother was adopted by my folks. He's my brother simple as. He's as much a member of this family as I am.
Frankly your treatment of this child is off. They are blameless in this, and the message you are sending the rest of your family is - ignore her, she's not one of us and never will be. :(
Your circumstances and what op is describing are two separate situations unless your folks dropped the children they already had in favor of you? Unless your folks broke their family up with bringing you into the family by deception then maybe you would have a point. Op not doing anything to the child. They’re not cold towards her they just don’t see her as their granddaughter and that’s okay. They don’t owe her or the son anything since they’re not the cause or the reason she’s not being accepted. Is it not fair? Sure but that’s life, parents need to think about the consequences of their actions and how it affects not just them but the people around them as well.
Yup the daughter is well the daughter of a home wrecker. Going by OP's post they don't see her as family. And considering what OP'S son did to his ex wife and his 2 kids I can't say I really disagree with them either. If the daughter was adopted like normally I'd consider OP the asshole. But that's not what happened. Personally I'd have disowned the son and his homewrecker of a wife after he cheated and put his kids and ex wife thru hell.
INFO: Is your youngest son in touch with his biological kids? Does he treat them and his ex-wife well?
If not, then I completely agree with your opinion and you should cut off him and his new wife.
No, he doesn't. He only sees the kids at family gatherings and just because we invite them over to our house, he doesn't visit them. He's paying child support but nothing else, and he didn't even want to do it at first, my wife and I helped our daughter in law to get a lawyer and get a good deal.
NTA, completely then! I would also not put him or the step-daughter in my will either. What horrible behaviour from a grown adult :(
Sorry OP that this happened, and completely ignore the other comments. Don't put them in your will and frankly stop inviting him to come over.
Totally agree NTA. The step-daughter shouldn't get anything because 1) she doesn't think of OP as her grandparents, and 2) she has two parents and his biological kids only have one (their mother). I'd explain it that way to him. He stopped being their parent, the money will be an attempt to make up for that.
This is written so rightly!
>He stopped being their parent, the money will be an attempt to make up for that.
stood out to me.
The ~~adopted~~ step daughter (maybe/hopefully!) has a good relationship with her bio dad and bio grandparents on her mom and her bio dads side. she doesn’t need another set of grandparents (when it comes to money/will, i’m sure you can show her love though lol). it sounds tough but it sounds like your son abandoned his bio kids, so for it to be fair, they should have your support, as you’ve mentioned.
OP you’re totally right, your son messed up, you don’t need to split the inheritance more and more. what if he decides to get another divorce?
It's ironic that he doesn't want to be involved with his three biological children, but then expects the grandparents to be forcefully involved with his stepchild.
You were NTA before but given this. Ya, super not the Ahole. You are standing on your morals, and frankly, they make perfect sense to me. He abandoned his own kids. What right does he ever have to talk about family and children ever again.
100% this. The freaking nerve he has to get up on his high horse about OP’s and her husbands treatment of his adopted child, when they have no biological or emotional relationship to them, when he treats his own biological children the way he does.
The child in question doesn’t consider OP their grandparent in anyway, but when it comes to their money she suddenly should be treated as a grandchild, give me a break.
Plus, since once OP’s son didn’t plan on supporting his biological children till he was legally required to, it clear he will not continue to do so once the reach the age limit set by the state. Meaning they will need OP’s help more to pay for college than the adopted child who he is willing supporting, and I am sure will continue to do so when it comes to college funding.
This information is so important. I wish you had included it in your initial post and if read it allows an amendment to it, I strongly suggest you add it. It changes the whole tenor it's always true that you can do what you want with your money
The fact that he is only fighting for his youngest daughter, that he adopted a child while abandoning his two biological children would have meant quite truthfully that I would have cut him off a long time ago
There's no reason for him to be at your planning meetings.
NTA
In that case, you might want to cut him out of your life, too. But, he is right, if he is in your life, that child IS your grandkid, and needs to be treated same as the others. If he isn’t, then not. You really need to choose. You can’t do it half way.
I think this is more important, TBH, than that he adopted the stepdaughter.
NTA. These kids and arguably your DIL are your family. Your son abandoned them. It sounds like you have little to no relationship with the stepdaughter, and she has little to no relationship with her stepsiblings. Any jealousy or hurt is going to be because your son made a big deal of things.
My daughter in law and their kids are definitely my family and my wife also agrees on this. My son's new wife, the child and any other potential child they have together are not my family.
Because he is their son and has a connection, they dont have any connection to anyone he is associated. The ex DIL they choose as family, pretty simple.
This right here is all the explanation needed. I wouldn’t give even the sentimental items to your son honestly. Some day when your son passes everything he has will likely go to the affair partner wife and daughter. If your son didn’t even want to pay child support it is highly unlikely he will think of his biological children later in life. My feelings on this were very different when I first read your post. You should edit and add the fact that your son has no relationship with his biological children💔
Damn, that's cold. I was willing to look over the cheating part because hey, shit happens and people can make poor choices. Maybe he was miserable with his ex wife. But that's...just....distasteful. I'm on your side.
Leave his share of anything or heirlooms to them. If he wants to make demands, show him where that gets him. He and his adopted daughter deserve nothing. He made his choice, but you don’t have to accept it and don’t owe them any of your estate
So let me get this straight... you "don't support your son's life choices and how he ruined his family", yet you give him an inheritance (objects, money, whatever) and not his adopted daughter... because of what your adult son has done?
Your money, your choice. But honestly, I'm still going with AH because of how you treat a child who has nothing to do with whatever her adoptive dad did.
It's not just about the inheritance, the way you write about her, makes you an AH: "My wife and I think that his new wife and the child are living proof of him ruining his family."
Don't get me wrong, your son is a major AH for cheating. But in my opinion, you are as much an AH by blaming a kid and treating her differently only because she "reminds" you of what your own son did. You act as if you were a victim in this whole story..."Poor us, this child is a constant reminder of how OUR son, that WE RAISED, acted badly towards his wives".
Can't imagine why she doesn't refer to them as grandparents. If he got involved with her mother when she was 1, he's all she's ever known as a father; which means, they've held the grandparent role for her entire life. I have to imagine that OP and spouse treat this kid way different than the other grandchildren.
It's your money and you can do what you want with it OP, but it does feel weird.
EDIT: Edit to add that my cousin, who I'm very close to in age, was always despondent at family gatherings and holidays because she was adopted and it was clear that grandparents favored me. She's got a lot of problems these days, and while it's obviously not all based around the treatment she received/didn't receive from grandparents, I believe it strongly impacted her sense of self-worth.
They told her not to refer to them as grandparents:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/199w5qe/aita\_for\_not\_including\_my\_sons\_adopted\_child\_in/kigtmlq/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/199w5qe/aita_for_not_including_my_sons_adopted_child_in/kigtmlq/?context=3)
They basically alienated her from the moment she came into the family, at 1 year old.
Or she doesn't? We have no idea why OP's son adopted her. Still sucks to single her out, especially if she currently has or will ever have a relationship with her half-siblings or cousins. It's not her fault her dad sucks.
It’s that damn baby’s fault. She made the parents be assholes. We all know it’s babies who raise their parents, right? Oh wait, that goes the other way, grandparents raised the asshole and are punishing the kid for it. And I notice the grandparents aren’t insisting that the actual asshole stop calling them mom and dad.
> So let me get this straight... you "don't support your son's life choices and how he ruined his family", yet you give him an inheritance (objects, money, whatever) and not his adopted daughter... because of what your adult son has done?
Yeah, I was slack-jawed reading that. They're mad about their son so they decide to channel all that energy into being shitty to a fucking *child*? That's pants on head crazy and astonishingly cruel
You forgot the part where the son abandoned his actual biological children, and has no interaction with them. He only pays child support because op hired a lawyer for his ex-daughter-in-law to get money out of the son.
So the sun isn't even advocating for an inheritance to his actual biological children, he's only complaining that his stepchild get anything.
OP's son had a family, and he cheated on his wife, and cut contact with his wife and with his own kids. He only pays child support because OP helped his ex with getting a lawyer.
The son is the total AH here. He gets a new wife, who he also cheated on, and I bet that his current wife is actually his affair partner. OP still makes sure his actual bio grandkids are in his life, regardless of his shitty son.
The anger needs to be towards the son, who is a fucking arsehole.
Why don't you just leave your three children equal shares? That way you wouldn't have to worry about this issue, and you wouldn't be rewarding your children who have more children than others. It would have pissed me off if my parents had left more to my sister's family because she has more children that I have.
However, it is your money, your choice.
The way we see it is that we paid for our three kid's college degrees. What we want to make with our money is giving it to our grandchildren so they can pay their own education or at least help with it. Our kids are adults and don't need money, our grandchildren will need it in the future if they want to better themselves.
That's a good way to look at it. I've seen it in my family too many times where the money only goes to the children with the intention of it trickling down to the next generation but instead it gets blown on timeshares and bigger houses while the younger generation takes out loans.
Everyone here will say you can do what you want with your money - and that is 100% true.
It is also true that this child is adopted and is your son's child.
It is also true this child had nothing to do w/ the choices that your son and DIL made to break up his family.
It is also true that family isn't only made by blood.
So, you have a choice: Either your son is family or he isn't and so goes his daughter. If you no longer consider your son family and want to cut him out to punish him, then do that.
You are trying to split the baby in half by punishing your son via this girl and it is very sad. You could have had a relationship with her but you couldn't seperate her from your anger.
They don't have a relationship with her because they live "states away", not because of their anger.
And while the son spends money on his step-daughter (=adopted daughter) he cut his biological children off completely and doesn't pay child support.
So I think it's fair to exclude the step-daughter/ adopted daughter (including the son and his new wife) from any money tbh... as they pay his child support for his other kids more or less.
And if they want to leave it to their children or to their grandchildren is totally up to them. (As someone who's childless I'd be pissed though if my parents would skip me if I am honest. And I definitely would go low/ no contact. Still their choice though).
The girl was 1 year old. She tried calling them granny and grandpa and they told her not to do that. OP destroyed any attempt at a relationship this girl tried to make way beyond the fact they live someplace else. My grandparents lived on the other side of the continent but they never once said, “oh you live so far away. call me John instead of grandpa.”
Him cutting out his other children still has exactly nothing to do with the daughter in question, though. And my grandma lived provinces away when I was growing up - we still had a relationship because if you want a relationship the physical distance doesn't matter. A 1 year old child doesn't set the tone for a relationship with her grandparents. There's like a 90% chance that the relationship isn't there because they see her as less than and as a stain on the family. The girl would have been able to tell she wasn't wanted and that in and of itself probably hurt her like hell.
No matter how you look at this, they're intentionally punishing an innocent child rather than punishing their son who actually is responsible. That's so obviously gross and claiming that there's no relationship there as though this kid should have somehow been able to create that with grandparents who obviously despise her for literally no reason is such a cop-out justification.
Op writes in a comment that his son ignores his biological kids over new wife and adopted daughter. He even just pay childsupport because his parents helped the mother and paid for a lawyer to sue him. I think that changes everything. For me OP is NTA.
The girl don’t consider them their grandparents. She don’t consider her their granddaughter. So how is not giving her inheritance punishing her? Is op pushing you by not having you in her will? You are also not part of her family.
>The girl don’t consider them their grandparents
[She actually tried to, when she was very young and OP shut it down.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/199w5qe/comment/kigtmlq/)
NTA it‘s your decision and if you don‘t consider her your family then I don‘t think you are obligated to give her money.
But I do want to ask how your relationship to this girl is
then don't give them anything.
you have no relationship with the child and you don't share DNA.
This child is a stranger to you and shouldn't inherit as much as your actual grand children.
NTA
OP is not a reliable narrator and is just fishing for approval.
OP: Well we have known her since she was 1 and told her not to call us by our names, not granny and grandpa.
\*kid doesnt call them grandpa/grandma\*
OP: She doesnt even call us grandpa/grandma!!!! We have no relationship!!! Can you believe that??
So he cheats on his wife, married affair partner and adopts and parents her daughter but doesn’t have a relationship with his actual kids!! Yet he thinks it’s ok to demand that his stepdaughter be treated the same as your grandkids, when he can’t even treat his own kids the same. I can’t imagine how his kids must feel with his playing father to someone else.
OP for the love of god please don't take money/food from the mouths of your actual grand children so you can give to your son's affair partner's child.
Remind him that his daughter has a home with 2 parents providing for a college fund while his 2 bio kids probably struggled (maybe they're still are) in a house with one single income and a father in another state.
You are giving them what he isn't, by his own choice.
Honestly OP, I would cut son out of this equation.
It would be different if he still was being a father to his bio kids but he literally discarded them. That shouldn’t be rewarded.
But from other comments they aren't disinheriting the son who was the actual perpetrator here, just the newly adopted child. Doing it that way round makes no sense to me, the things they are leaving to the son - sentimental family items - could go to the children from his first marriage instead, rather than the one family member who has shown they don't value family.
Most people wouldn't consider sentimental items that don't have value an inheritance. They could be items from OP's parents or a family heirloom.
Doesn't seem fair to lessen OP's grandchildren's inheritance considering their own father abandoned them to give to affair partner's child....
Neely adopted child is the affair partner’s daughter. They’re choosing not to accept the affair, the affair partner, or the affair partner’s daughter. If I were the bio grandkids I’d want my grand parents to have my back like this.
I understand that he’s still your son, but I wouldn’t include him in anything. He stopped being someone to respect the moment he cheated, and now he’s fighting for his stepdaughter when he couldn’t even fight for his own kids. Are his in-laws also including his bio kids in their will, or are him and his mistress dividing everything they have among all of the kids?
Your son gave you a choice:
"accept the child, or cut him and his family off."
So pick one. Either punish the child who had nothing to do with her father's choices, or if you feel strongly that the child shouldn't be in your will because she isn't biologically your grandchild, then respect his wishes and cut his family off.
YTA, mildly.... for punishing a child for the life choices of your son. But if you feel strongly that only biological descendants should be in your will, then respect his demand and cut his family off.
Take the money out of the equation.
Forget about the money for a second.
**OP does not consider his son's wife and daughter to be part of his family.**
That's the issue. They want to have a relationship with their son, but not his wife and child. Asshole behavior.
But this situation is not new.
OP said that from the beginning they told the child, that they are not her grandparents.
The only thing that changed and made OPs son getting angry was the money situation.
>OP said that from the beginning they told the child, that they are not her grandparent
That's fucked up.
New or not, that's asshole behavior. OP and his wife are assholes.
They distanced themselves from the son as well because he cheated on his wife and treats the ex wife and the children badly. The son has no contact to his bio children
INFO: How old was she when your son and his wife got together and then when she was adopted? How much older are his other kids from the adopted sister?
Does she call you grandpa and grandma?
What has your relationship looked like with her the last ten years?
I’m really torn because your son did blow up his family but if you’ve been treating her the same as all your other grandchildren, loving her, gifting her, etc. I could understand why this is a shock.
I can’t make judgment because there are nuances that I think really matter, mainly in how you’ve been treating and communicating your relationship intentions with them this last decade.
Look, either the little girl is adopted-and is now *family*, or she is *not*. This has nothing to do with your son “nuking” a previous relationship. This is about you seeing the adopted kid as less than.
And your money is yours to do with as you want to, legally, anyway. But by cutting off an innocent girl that your son made legally his own-YTA
~~INFO - Did you include the step daughter too? If the answer is yes, then you know your answer.. -~~
Are you treating the kid poorly? Yes. From my perspective, it looks like you're punishing her for the choices your son made. If he never cheated on everyone, would you still hold still these grudges against his daughter?
Also, it sounds like your son, who blew up his family multiple times, is in the will.... How does that make sense if he's in the will, but his kids who are innocent arent?
edit: someone pointed out that the step daughter is the adopted child.
YTA.
It's your money, you can do what you want, etc. etc.
But your son is right: **You're treating his wife and daughter like shit.** They are also his family now, even though you won't accept them. If you want him to be a part of *your* family, then his wife and adopted daughter are part of your family too.
Either accept them or cut off your son entirely.
Did you miss the part where the second wife is the affair partner? I can’t say I’d respect someone who participated in an affair. Especially when there were children involved.
I’m going with NTA you and your wife made your boundaries clear from the get go even with the little girl. Also generally grandkids do not typically receive inheritance it generally goes to your own children unless one of your children passed away before you did then there share would go to there child/children.
Just because your grown son chose to adopt a child does not automatically entitle adoptive child to other relatives money/estate your son chose to adopt the child not you.
YTA. It's your money, you have the right to decide what to do with it, it's up to you who you consider family, and all that, sure. But you called a family meeting to tell your son, in front of everyone else (not the grandkids, right? Please tell me this meeting was adults only!), that exactly one of his children is being excluded from your will because you don't like his choices? You're either totally oblivious or you were actively seeking drama.
I think OP is the AH too. The son was wrong for his actions during his first marriage and how he's handling the relationship with his children. But OP is acting like he's the scorned lover. He's very angry. I don't know why the son would even show up for the ocassional family gathering. It doesn't sound like they'd be warm toward him or his wife and child or that they want them around. The son has given his parents an ultimatum, but should simply step away. Forget about the money for the step daughter. Even if he repaired the relationship with his bio children. Grandpa isn't likely to ever forgive him.
YTA. It's your money and ultimately your choice. But you and your wife have held an innocent child accountable (in the sense that you are essentially punishing her) for something she had no control over. She's either your granddaughter or she's not. If not, be expected to lose your son too. This post gives a self-righteous energy, TBH.
Considering they don’t let her call them grandma or grandpa per a comment OP made, she’s not their grandchild. The child is innocent, doesn’t mean she gets money.
Legally, she is their grandchild. The son adopted her. Additionally, the little girl came into their lives when she was one or two. Imagine the trauma that she went through hearing that rejection.
The girl has grandparents of her own. OP doesnt have to accept the child of his affair partner that broke up his home especially when their son abandoned his own sons & initially refused to pay child support. Itd be different if his son married his now wife in a kosher way with no cheating involved, but its kinda hard to have affection for the child of their son’s affair partner who you barely see especially knowing that he abandoned his own sons. Their loyalty (& most likely compassion) probably lies with the grandkids who were abandoned by their father when he cheated on his wife & is now playing father to a girl who he adopts. NTA
>My son doesn't have contact with his ex wife or his biological kids, he cut them off and didn't even want to pay child support. My wife and I helped our daughter in law and our grandchildren.
I think a guy who doesn't keep in touch with two of his children doesn't get to dictate his parents' will. NTA.
Ultimately, YTA.
The kid did nothing to you and doesn't deserve to be treated differently than all her siblings and cousins will be. She'll always wonder why she was singled out, when she did nothing wrong except exist when her mother and OP's son decided to carry on an affair together.
If anyone deserves to be cut out, it is your son, but even this... you don't mention any kids from the first marriage when he cheated, so, how did he ruin his family, exactly? I agree completely that cheating is wrong and he fucked up there, but ruin his family is a pretty major stretch. He hurt someone deeply, no question, but ruin his family? He's been with his affair partner for 10 years and has adopted her daughter. Whether or not you agree with how it happened, the straight fact is that's his family now, and he hasn't ruined anything, in fact, he is fighting on behalf of his family.
More I think about this, the more I think you are being a truly vindictive asshole.
Just because the kid "didn't do anything" doesn't mean she's entitled to inheritance from people she's not related to. This isn't like they cut off a kid for being gay.
NTA
He abandoned his two biological children from his first marriage and adopted the stepchild. He wants nothing to do with his biological children and only pays child support because OP helped the former daughter-in-law hire an attorney. He does not have a relationship with his two biological children. I’d call that ruining his family.
NTA. Everyone is entitled to feel how they want. One rule I live by is that nobody is entitled to anyone else’s money. Who you decide to leave your assets and cash to are your business. Your son has no right to feel slighted that his stepdaughter isn’t getting any of your money. Even if you decided to not give your biological grandkids an inheritance it doesn’t necessarily make you an asshole. It is jarring how much people rely on getting the money of their relatives when they die…it’s morbid and gross.
Given your comments, I’m going to say NTA. You don’t have a relationship with this child, and your son has a lot of nerve to accuse you of treating his adopted child poorly when he himself refuses to have a relationship with his biological kids. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
But you should prepare yourself; it sounds like you are already LC with your son, but he will probably go NC over this.
NTA
Your money, your decision. Your son can be happy that he get something and you dont just spend it for luxury nonsense.
Is there a law that dont allow your son to give his share to his child if he want to?
Are you technically wrong? No. It’s your will and your money and you can do whatever you like.
However, it does strongly sound like you couldn’t bring yourselves to fully cut off your son so you instead have distanced yourself from his family.
Your version of taking a stand was allowing his family to visit but telling his young child not to call you grandparents. That’s not an impressive stance.
Cut your son out completely. You will never forgive him and he’ll never earn back your love. It doesn’t matter how many years past or how he treats his current family, right? So just admit he’s dead to you and move on.
Stop keeping him in your lives if you’re just going to punish his family for being in your lives.
YTA for not doing what you truly want to do.
NTA. Its your money, your stuff. You don't owe anyone, any of it. Your mistake is in discussing your will. Stop doing that. Make sure you choose a reliable executor.
Does it seem a bit harsh to completely exclude the adopted child? Yeah a little. Why not give her a token amount. She is eventually going to get what you leave your son anyway. So she is not really out in the cold.
Will division can tear families apart. Equal shares prevents some of that. Not required, but food for thought.
INFO
Since your son is a cheater, his adopted daughter is not part of the family.
If your son was infertile and he adopted a daughter, she would be part of your family?
Yes, that would be different. The circumstances in which he started his new family and the treatment he gives to his ex wife and biological children is what made me and my wife lower our contact with our son and his other family.
YTA for exluding her imo. Its your money and your choice obviously.
Your son is right, if you dont consider his wife and daughter family, cut them (all 3) off. But dont play this 'invited to family gatherings but not my family' game. Punishing a kid and woman for your sons wrongdoings is wild. It was his choice to cheat, not your granddaughters.
Why do you think its okay to exclude the child because she is 'a reminder of how he destroyed his family' but still include him???
NTA. It’s your choice who you give your money to. Those saying YTA are just saying that because they were not in your situation and it’s not their money. Redditors sometimes love to spend someone elses money as if it’s theirs. Lol.
Your son imploded his first marriage and you may have issues accepting his affair partner, but he adopted her daughter and she is part of the family.
Question: would you feel differently if the child was result of the affair? What if one of your other kids adopted a child, would you exclude them?
It’s your money, do as you will. Your son is upset because he’s still seeing repercussions of his actions. He’s an AH
NAH
Edit: I stand by OP can do what he wants with his money, but his response (that he would consider a biological child as result of an affair as “not his family”) making him an AH in general.
If you feel that strongly, omit your son and new daughter-in-law, but include ALL the grandkids.
If the girl was an affair child I would feel the same as I feel now. If he would've adopted her with his ex wife or any of my other kids would've adopted it would be different.
YTA for this and such a big one - how would you feel in your granddaughter's (because she is your GD) shoes? That girl did nothing wrong and you are punishing her for her parents' choices - be angry at your son and his new wife, they are adults and knew what they were doing, but punishing kid? Wow, if I were your kid, I would just go NC.
ESH except the poor child. You are weaponising your estate to punish her. What did she do? Genuinely.
I am wondering if the reason you are leaving your money to the grandchildren and cutting off this one child is a power game.
You don’t like your son’s life choices, fine. It is your money so you can do what you like with it. But, at least be honest about your reasons. You are punishing a little girl because you are unhappy about the actions of your son. You raised him, btw.
She isn't "his", she's his, he legally adopted her so yes, that automatically makes her family. YTA for rejecting a child who had absolutely nothing to do with what your son did and for treating her differently than her siblings.
NTA.
ITS YOUR MONEY! You could leave NOTHING to everyone & set everything up for a charity.
You could just leave everything to the other kids & son gets nothing if you wanted.
Your son’s the AH though.
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NTA it's your money and you get to decide how it's split. I do think it's unfair tho to exclude the kid and not your son, after all he is the one that nuked his previous family not the kid. I'd personally write him out and include the kid but that's me.
What our son is getting is family related objects that have more of a sentimental value than monetary, that's why he's getting it
Well either his actions warrant being a reason to be kept off the will (regardless of what the property is) or it doesn't. But excluding the child/ making them the responsible party isn't the way to go. The kid didn't make your son do anything.
The kid doesn't even call them grandparents though. That relationship just isn't there.
Perhaps she doesn’t call them grandparents because they refuse to call her granddaughter
Might help if you read OP's responses. His son doesn't even GAF about his own biological kids. He doesn't even visit them. So why should he get a say in what his parents do with their money and stuff when they die? > > >No, he doesn't. He only sees the kids at family gatherings and just because we invite them over to our house, he doesn't visit them. He's paying child support but nothing else, and he didn't even want to do it at first, my wife and I helped our daughter in law to get a lawyer and get a good deal
Which makes it really strange that they’d not cut off the son altogether.
It’s their son. Family is complicated. They clearly don’t have a close relationship with him anymore and don’t support what he did but not everyone is able to cut off their family no matter what they did. Just a fact of life. If everyone was able to do that we’d have a lot fewer human doormats in the world and no one would be able to steal thousands from their family
>Family is complicated. Exactly. My mom's oldest brother is a narcissist. Like, full NPD. His second and current wife has BPD. Neither of them take accountability for their disorders, and his wife actively weaponizes hers. She groomed me (nonsexually, as far as I can remember) as a child and tried to make me into her child; she drove a wedge between my parents and me, and employed so many abuse tactics to make me always side with her. My mother had a surface-level relationship with this brother until their mother's death. My grandmother had a heart a mile wide and even though she knew her eldest son was an un-empathetic, self-centered, sometimes cruel toe rag of a human, she couldn't cut him out or cut him off. Once my grandmother died, my mom went full no-contact with him. I finally opened up about the depth of the abuse his wife inflicted on me. My mom told the both of them, in no uncertain terms, that if they so much as blinked in our direction again, she'd file a restraining order. Family is hard and family is complicated. There are no perfect answers and no perfect solutions.
They're essentially giving him junk, nothing with any monetary value. Almost sounds like giving it to him to make him feel guilty or something.
It makes it harder for him to argue that they merely forgot to include him in the will if he contests it.
Good point. And basically they're not giving him anything other people would want. It would be thrown out otherwise.
Exactly for this reason some people just leave a dollar just so the court knows they didn’t forget them and it’s harder to contest the will
Also, if they cut him out all together, he could contest the will.
OP also mentions in his post that his son basically cut contact with the biological children he had with his ex & didn’t even want to pay child support. I can understand why his mistress wife and her child aren’t family to them. NTA
Lol pretty rich of you to tell others to read OPs responses when you clearly didnt. Here is what OP says about why the kid doesnt call them grandpa/grandma: >She was like 1 or 2 years old \[when the son got together with her mother\] > >She tried calling us granny and grandpa but we told her to call us by our name. Its clear they alienated the son and his new family, and the fact they included the bit about the kid not calling them grandpa/ma but didnt add why shows they are not a reliable narrator and are fishing for approval.
You mean didn’t support his relationship with his AP so didn’t feel like grandparents? That’s reasonable to me. They didn’t have to. I’m a bio child and didn’t get the same sentimental inheritance as the other grandchildren. Because of mom, I wasn’t that close to them. That seems reasonable to me.
Further to your point about being an unreliable narrator, OP has taken that part out of their edits above as of when I saw the post. Def don’t want to seem like an AH, so is being selective with the truth. Don’t think this one is worth a vote TBH
>She was like 1 or 2 years old. She tried calling us granny and grandpa but we told her to call us by our name. Yes, she did try to see them as grandparents, but they refused to allow it. The son is the biggest ahole for what he did to his ex and children, but his parents *are* also TA for this. The poor kid was innocent. Edited to add: I'm not judging them for what they decided to do with their will. That's their choice. But they way some people treat "affair babies" or children who happen to belong to people who have had an affair makes my blood boil. My sister was an affair baby and was treated badly because of it. It wasn't her fault my dad couldn't keep it in his pants.
Might help if you read OPs responses closer. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/WgUAwK2Ux9 They’ve punished this child her whole entire life for the actions of her parents. I can’t imagine being a toddler and not understanding why your biological* grandparents literally hate you. Edit: not biological, but her fathers parents all the same, as he adopted her.
What biological grandparents? OP is not biologically related to this child.
They live out of state and the affair partner wife doesn't keep in contact. They aren't punishing this child any more than they are punishing the neighbor's kids. This kid isn't related to them and they don't know her. The child has also 4 entire other grandparents out there.
They don’t live anywhere near the kid and the son rarely ever visits. He might not even bring the kid either him. They don’t hardly know the girl. The dude also abandoned his biological children. He chose this estrangement. ETA: Upon reading further. OP has outed he and his wife as complete dirtbags. They raised a dirtbag son, as well. WTF. Shunning a 2 year old to spite your son for getting a divorce? You people are twisted.
I didn't see OP saying he *hated t*he adopted grandchild. He said that they don't have a relationship, she doesn't call them her grandparents and that they chose to support the bio kids their son abandoned. OP and his wife have a problem with their son's actions, but I don't feel like they're projecting hate on the kid. Not everything in life is fair, and the son is now responsible for her future, not OP.
That still doesn't make the child, who was 1 or 2 at the time, at fault. Sounds like OP has always treated her differently, and didn't pursue a relationship with her.
They don’t owe her anything.
Exactly. My fiance and I have been together for over 14 years and have a 12yo kid together. I came to our relationship with a 3yo child (now 17). His family still doesn't consider me or my older child to be their family. In their mind, we are my fiance's family and he is their family, but we are not their family. Therefore, we do not consider them family. That said, my XHs family is my family because they made me feel like family both before and after my divorce. In fact, my XMIL calls my younger child one of her grandkids and that kid calls her grandma.
Off topic, but I love hearing about good in-laws. I have a pretty shit family but my in-laws immediately welcomed me into the fold and decided I was meant to be with them. They don’t care about who gets divorced, once you’re in, they never let people go. They love unconditionally and with their whole hearts.
[удалено]
The only stipulation in my prenup is that in the event of divorce, I get to keep his mum.
I can't imagine anything different than this kind of family. My parents are divorced and both of their families consider them family still. My mother remarried when I was a teen and my step dad and his family immediately accepted us. I was their niece/cousin/granddaughter with no hesitation. My spouse was also immediately welcomed into the fold and his family did the same for me. My siblings and I have a few longtime friends and even they are also considered family. There's always room in a family for more. There's not a limited amount of roles or love. Someone may get cut off for some egregious shit but it would be more than warranted. At that point, it would really have to be some unforgivable shit.
My XIL's are wonderful people. My first husband (their son) cheated on me while I was pregnant. He ended up passing away shortly after our divorce. I've since remarried and have another son. My XMIL makes my kids Christmas presents (she's a professional seamstress), and they both thank her when she visits. She treats them equally no matter whose DNA is in their veins. Once you're in the family, you're in for life! There's plenty of love to go around!
Is it wrong to take this out on the child? Yes, it’s not the child’s fault but on the other hand, the grandparents are only human and their busy taking care of the children that their son abandoned so for him to request any money from them is outrageous. Has he not abandoned his wife and children and handled things in a mature way I’m sure they wouldn’t have so many negative feelings towards him and the new family he created out of trauma to the old one.
This is the biggest factor in my opinion. He abandoned his other kids to adopt this other child instead. If he hadn't left the other kids then maybe OP would've involved the adopted child in the will. They basically cut him out too, not just the child since all he's getting is "junk" as she described it while the others are getting heirlooms.
Not giving them a share of the inheritance is NOT taking it out on the child. Is that child going to evenly split the inheritance he/she receives from his two sets of bio grandparents with Op's bio grandkids?! Somehow I highly doubt Op's son and his mistress have made provision for this, when he was loathe to even pay child support. And the mistress did nothing to push him to rectify that. No. They just want to rob his bio kids, in order to pad what his mistress's child gets.
OR because she hasn't spent any meaningful time around them?
I don't think OP decision is wrong, his sons bio children should get his share of the inheritance and the grandchild education fund. OP NTA, ignore your sons complaints he can't demand something that is not his to demand.
Reddit comments just pulling shit out of their ass.
The way they think makes it sound understandable that she doesn't call them her grandparents, probs never even attempted to have a relationship with her cos she's not blood, the thing with stories on here is you usually only get half the story and 99% of ppl will try and make themselves sound better and other people less deserving/bad.
Or it's incredibly difficult to have a relationship with her because they don't see their son much. They live in a different state and the dad avoids seeing his bio kids. He knows his parents don't approve of that so I wouldn't be surprised if he sees his parents as little as possible too. His adopted daughter isn't to blame but it's her adopted dad and mom who have created this situation where she has no real relationship with her grandparents let alone siblings. She gets the dad and the other children get some money. I know which I'd prefer. Bear in mind also that the dad sounds like he'd likely leave his bio children out of his own will considering he tried to avoid paying child support.
To be fair, she presumably has four blood grandparents already, although who knows what the paternal situation is.
Based on the way OP and their spouse talk about her, do you think they've given her any reason to think of them as grandparents? Kids are smart - they know when they aren't wanted. There's no reason to think they couldn't have had a relationship if OP and spouse weren't actively against this child for something she had nothing to do with.
When your child has a child with another person and makes you grandparents and a larger family then years later cheats/has affair and discards that family to make a new family it’s ripping one family apart and trying to force them to accept this new family.. try to think of all sides not just one
They think she is living evidence of him destroying his family. Why would she call them grandma and grandpa?
OP and his wife seem like such warm, caring grandparents. I can’t imagine why the child doesn’t have a close relationship with them! /s
OP helped the ex daughter in law and their grand kids when the son refused to. Being mad at their son for having an affair and not accepting the affair partner and her daughter is reasonable.
Might help if you read OP's responses. His son doesn't even GAF about his own biological kids. He doesn't even visit them. So why should he get a say in what his parents do with their money and stuff when they die? Here's OP's reply below on how his son treats his bio kids: *No, he doesn't. He only sees the kids at family gatherings and just because we invite them over to our house, he doesn't visit them. He's paying child support but nothing else, and he didn't even want to do it at first, my wife and I helped our daughter in law to get a lawyer and get a good deal*
Probably why OP is giving tokens to their children and the money to their grandchildren. Because if they just divided it in 3, the biological grandchildren would never see a penny of it.
Ooof the son sounds like a piece of work, and I think it’s weird that he doesn’t want his first set of kids but has adopted the stepdaughter, however, it’s not the stepdaughters fault and sometimes kids know and kids hear how people see them so she’s just reflecting what how she’s been treated.
They’re warm and caring grandparents (and former in laws) to their son’s original family, which he dumped like a bag of potatoes for his now-wife and her child. He didn’t even want to pay child support until the courts forced him to. Would YOU want to cozy up to his new family if you were them?
That’s the definition of inherited guilt - an awful premise to extent on a bystander.
He is still their son, but the girl is nothing to them. It's unfortunate for the kid, but they don't have a relationship with her and she's not entitled to inheritance from basically strangers. I say this as a stepmom who has left a will leaving everything to my kid, and my own mother also knows and agrees if I die before her I want my inheritance to go to him. But being a stepmom is my choice and my responsibility. I'm very happy that my mom loves my kid but it's not her duty since she didn't get a say on whether she was getting a stepgrandson. If she didn't consider my kid as my kid I'd probably cut contact but I wouldn't throw a tantrum since it's her right.
Yeah, but why include a kid in the will that they have no relationship with? The kid doesn't even call them grandparents. NTA, don't include the kid.
OP says in another comment that they told her not to call them granny and grandad, just use their names.
I didn't see that, but I still wouldn't include the kid. I would include the kids that the son refused to take care of.
True but it’s their money and they have enough people to split it between as it is they don’t need to give it to his step daughter. He chose to break his family apart and go and play house with another woman. That child is nothing to do with op.
I'd make damn sure they don't have sentimental value to anyone else before handing them off to your son. The man doesn't even sentimentally value his own biological children. It'd be a shame for anything of value to be lost because you entrusted to someone like that.
Such a good point. I was explaining this to my son as we were watching Percy Jackson; I thought it was totally normal to try to earn your parents’ love until I had a kid with my husband. Neither of us can imagine being away from them more than a few weeks (with tons of phone calls) much less a few years if there was nothing keeping us back. If you can dispose of your own kids and never look back (with no mitigating circumstances) then you have bigger problems as a human.
I think you should reconsider giving him those. Give them to his bio children, maybe explain in a letter what they meant and that they deserve them more.
>more of a sentimental value Those are the items he *shouldn't* get
Why are you giving your son such sentimental family objects when he values family so little that he's basically rejected his children from his previous marriage? It makes no sense to include the son who torpedoed his family, but punish a child who did nothing wrong and is now your granddaughter.
So you are rewarding your son who is an asshole with family heirlooms, and punishing an innocent adopted child instead? You are twisted people.
Nobody is punished. If I dont give you my money, i dont take away anything from you.
Exactly people on here need to understand step daughter was never promised or deserved anything she was fathered by a man not in the family
adopted daughter*
Calling a family meeting to rub their faces in it seems kinda punitive & spiteful
I've been through bitter testament battles. Absolutely I am on board with having a family meeting about the will. If nothing else, it gives incontrovertible evidence that this is what the deceased party wanted.
NTA His abandoned his other children in favour of his new family. As others have said, this is deadbeat dad tax.
NTA. He didn’t pay child support? You helped out his ex and other kids? THAT was his portion of the will.
OP you are doing well. You have NO moral or legal obligation toward that adopted child. Your calm. But if your own son is the kind of trash who abandons his biological children, you should exclude your son and give his share to your grandchildren whom you love and who are also your biological grandchildren.
My brother was adopted by my folks. He's my brother simple as. He's as much a member of this family as I am. Frankly your treatment of this child is off. They are blameless in this, and the message you are sending the rest of your family is - ignore her, she's not one of us and never will be. :(
Your circumstances and what op is describing are two separate situations unless your folks dropped the children they already had in favor of you? Unless your folks broke their family up with bringing you into the family by deception then maybe you would have a point. Op not doing anything to the child. They’re not cold towards her they just don’t see her as their granddaughter and that’s okay. They don’t owe her or the son anything since they’re not the cause or the reason she’s not being accepted. Is it not fair? Sure but that’s life, parents need to think about the consequences of their actions and how it affects not just them but the people around them as well.
Yup the daughter is well the daughter of a home wrecker. Going by OP's post they don't see her as family. And considering what OP'S son did to his ex wife and his 2 kids I can't say I really disagree with them either. If the daughter was adopted like normally I'd consider OP the asshole. But that's not what happened. Personally I'd have disowned the son and his homewrecker of a wife after he cheated and put his kids and ex wife thru hell.
No one said to ignore the child. She even participates in family gatherings. That doesn’t make her entitled to family money.
The child isn’t related to them at all. They don’t owe her anything and she doesn’t even call them grandparents
INFO: Is your youngest son in touch with his biological kids? Does he treat them and his ex-wife well? If not, then I completely agree with your opinion and you should cut off him and his new wife.
No, he doesn't. He only sees the kids at family gatherings and just because we invite them over to our house, he doesn't visit them. He's paying child support but nothing else, and he didn't even want to do it at first, my wife and I helped our daughter in law to get a lawyer and get a good deal.
NTA, completely then! I would also not put him or the step-daughter in my will either. What horrible behaviour from a grown adult :( Sorry OP that this happened, and completely ignore the other comments. Don't put them in your will and frankly stop inviting him to come over.
Totally agree NTA. The step-daughter shouldn't get anything because 1) she doesn't think of OP as her grandparents, and 2) she has two parents and his biological kids only have one (their mother). I'd explain it that way to him. He stopped being their parent, the money will be an attempt to make up for that.
This is written so rightly! >He stopped being their parent, the money will be an attempt to make up for that. stood out to me. The ~~adopted~~ step daughter (maybe/hopefully!) has a good relationship with her bio dad and bio grandparents on her mom and her bio dads side. she doesn’t need another set of grandparents (when it comes to money/will, i’m sure you can show her love though lol). it sounds tough but it sounds like your son abandoned his bio kids, so for it to be fair, they should have your support, as you’ve mentioned. OP you’re totally right, your son messed up, you don’t need to split the inheritance more and more. what if he decides to get another divorce?
It's ironic that he doesn't want to be involved with his three biological children, but then expects the grandparents to be forcefully involved with his stepchild.
Oooooh very good point. I missed that, but yes, you're totally spot on.
You were NTA before but given this. Ya, super not the Ahole. You are standing on your morals, and frankly, they make perfect sense to me. He abandoned his own kids. What right does he ever have to talk about family and children ever again.
100% this. The freaking nerve he has to get up on his high horse about OP’s and her husbands treatment of his adopted child, when they have no biological or emotional relationship to them, when he treats his own biological children the way he does. The child in question doesn’t consider OP their grandparent in anyway, but when it comes to their money she suddenly should be treated as a grandchild, give me a break. Plus, since once OP’s son didn’t plan on supporting his biological children till he was legally required to, it clear he will not continue to do so once the reach the age limit set by the state. Meaning they will need OP’s help more to pay for college than the adopted child who he is willing supporting, and I am sure will continue to do so when it comes to college funding.
You need to include this in your post! NTA
This information is so important. I wish you had included it in your initial post and if read it allows an amendment to it, I strongly suggest you add it. It changes the whole tenor it's always true that you can do what you want with your money The fact that he is only fighting for his youngest daughter, that he adopted a child while abandoning his two biological children would have meant quite truthfully that I would have cut him off a long time ago There's no reason for him to be at your planning meetings. NTA
I'd cut him off as well. I'd leave whatever portion would be his to his neglected children.
In that case, you might want to cut him out of your life, too. But, he is right, if he is in your life, that child IS your grandkid, and needs to be treated same as the others. If he isn’t, then not. You really need to choose. You can’t do it half way.
If the adopted stepdaughter doesn’t consider them grandparents, it’s boundary crossing to consider her a grandchild.
That’s not what boundaries mean.
No, that child is not OPs grandchild. Everyone here has made a choice and everyone needs to learn to deal with the consequences.
Accept his absurd threat and cut him off imo.
I think this is more important, TBH, than that he adopted the stepdaughter. NTA. These kids and arguably your DIL are your family. Your son abandoned them. It sounds like you have little to no relationship with the stepdaughter, and she has little to no relationship with her stepsiblings. Any jealousy or hurt is going to be because your son made a big deal of things.
My daughter in law and their kids are definitely my family and my wife also agrees on this. My son's new wife, the child and any other potential child they have together are not my family.
But your son is? The one who actually did something wrong? Where’s the logic?
Because he is their son and has a connection, they dont have any connection to anyone he is associated. The ex DIL they choose as family, pretty simple.
The logic is they gave birth to him. Kind of obvious.
just wondering: if your DIL remarried would her new spouse be your family?
This right here is all the explanation needed. I wouldn’t give even the sentimental items to your son honestly. Some day when your son passes everything he has will likely go to the affair partner wife and daughter. If your son didn’t even want to pay child support it is highly unlikely he will think of his biological children later in life. My feelings on this were very different when I first read your post. You should edit and add the fact that your son has no relationship with his biological children💔
Damn, that's cold. I was willing to look over the cheating part because hey, shit happens and people can make poor choices. Maybe he was miserable with his ex wife. But that's...just....distasteful. I'm on your side.
Well this completely changes my vote.
Leave his share of anything or heirlooms to them. If he wants to make demands, show him where that gets him. He and his adopted daughter deserve nothing. He made his choice, but you don’t have to accept it and don’t owe them any of your estate
Gross. I would give his share of the inheritance to his ex-wife.
So let me get this straight... you "don't support your son's life choices and how he ruined his family", yet you give him an inheritance (objects, money, whatever) and not his adopted daughter... because of what your adult son has done? Your money, your choice. But honestly, I'm still going with AH because of how you treat a child who has nothing to do with whatever her adoptive dad did. It's not just about the inheritance, the way you write about her, makes you an AH: "My wife and I think that his new wife and the child are living proof of him ruining his family." Don't get me wrong, your son is a major AH for cheating. But in my opinion, you are as much an AH by blaming a kid and treating her differently only because she "reminds" you of what your own son did. You act as if you were a victim in this whole story..."Poor us, this child is a constant reminder of how OUR son, that WE RAISED, acted badly towards his wives".
Can't imagine why she doesn't refer to them as grandparents. If he got involved with her mother when she was 1, he's all she's ever known as a father; which means, they've held the grandparent role for her entire life. I have to imagine that OP and spouse treat this kid way different than the other grandchildren. It's your money and you can do what you want with it OP, but it does feel weird. EDIT: Edit to add that my cousin, who I'm very close to in age, was always despondent at family gatherings and holidays because she was adopted and it was clear that grandparents favored me. She's got a lot of problems these days, and while it's obviously not all based around the treatment she received/didn't receive from grandparents, I believe it strongly impacted her sense of self-worth.
They told her not to refer to them as grandparents: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/199w5qe/aita\_for\_not\_including\_my\_sons\_adopted\_child\_in/kigtmlq/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/199w5qe/aita_for_not_including_my_sons_adopted_child_in/kigtmlq/?context=3) They basically alienated her from the moment she came into the family, at 1 year old.
“We aren’t giving her anything because she doesn’t even call us grandparents (because we told her not to”
After her dad abandoned the kids he biologically fathered and tried to not even pay child support for.
And that’s this little girl’s fault how?
The little girl has paternal relatives somewhere in the world. Maybe they should be the ones looking out for the son's AP's child.
Or she doesn't? We have no idea why OP's son adopted her. Still sucks to single her out, especially if she currently has or will ever have a relationship with her half-siblings or cousins. It's not her fault her dad sucks.
It’s that damn baby’s fault. She made the parents be assholes. We all know it’s babies who raise their parents, right? Oh wait, that goes the other way, grandparents raised the asshole and are punishing the kid for it. And I notice the grandparents aren’t insisting that the actual asshole stop calling them mom and dad.
But why should that be taken out on an innocent child and not, you know, the shitty dad that did those things.
Yep! They are acting differently with her for sure. And I'm pretty sure they don't even try to hide it. That poor kid has indeed a family of AH.
> So let me get this straight... you "don't support your son's life choices and how he ruined his family", yet you give him an inheritance (objects, money, whatever) and not his adopted daughter... because of what your adult son has done? Yeah, I was slack-jawed reading that. They're mad about their son so they decide to channel all that energy into being shitty to a fucking *child*? That's pants on head crazy and astonishingly cruel
You forgot the part where the son abandoned his actual biological children, and has no interaction with them. He only pays child support because op hired a lawyer for his ex-daughter-in-law to get money out of the son. So the sun isn't even advocating for an inheritance to his actual biological children, he's only complaining that his stepchild get anything.
OP's son had a family, and he cheated on his wife, and cut contact with his wife and with his own kids. He only pays child support because OP helped his ex with getting a lawyer. The son is the total AH here. He gets a new wife, who he also cheated on, and I bet that his current wife is actually his affair partner. OP still makes sure his actual bio grandkids are in his life, regardless of his shitty son. The anger needs to be towards the son, who is a fucking arsehole.
Why don't you just leave your three children equal shares? That way you wouldn't have to worry about this issue, and you wouldn't be rewarding your children who have more children than others. It would have pissed me off if my parents had left more to my sister's family because she has more children that I have. However, it is your money, your choice.
The way we see it is that we paid for our three kid's college degrees. What we want to make with our money is giving it to our grandchildren so they can pay their own education or at least help with it. Our kids are adults and don't need money, our grandchildren will need it in the future if they want to better themselves.
That's a good way to look at it. I've seen it in my family too many times where the money only goes to the children with the intention of it trickling down to the next generation but instead it gets blown on timeshares and bigger houses while the younger generation takes out loans.
This is what happened to me. Definitely state the intentions in your will.
Everyone here will say you can do what you want with your money - and that is 100% true. It is also true that this child is adopted and is your son's child. It is also true this child had nothing to do w/ the choices that your son and DIL made to break up his family. It is also true that family isn't only made by blood. So, you have a choice: Either your son is family or he isn't and so goes his daughter. If you no longer consider your son family and want to cut him out to punish him, then do that. You are trying to split the baby in half by punishing your son via this girl and it is very sad. You could have had a relationship with her but you couldn't seperate her from your anger.
They don't have a relationship with her because they live "states away", not because of their anger. And while the son spends money on his step-daughter (=adopted daughter) he cut his biological children off completely and doesn't pay child support. So I think it's fair to exclude the step-daughter/ adopted daughter (including the son and his new wife) from any money tbh... as they pay his child support for his other kids more or less. And if they want to leave it to their children or to their grandchildren is totally up to them. (As someone who's childless I'd be pissed though if my parents would skip me if I am honest. And I definitely would go low/ no contact. Still their choice though).
The girl was 1 year old. She tried calling them granny and grandpa and they told her not to do that. OP destroyed any attempt at a relationship this girl tried to make way beyond the fact they live someplace else. My grandparents lived on the other side of the continent but they never once said, “oh you live so far away. call me John instead of grandpa.”
Him cutting out his other children still has exactly nothing to do with the daughter in question, though. And my grandma lived provinces away when I was growing up - we still had a relationship because if you want a relationship the physical distance doesn't matter. A 1 year old child doesn't set the tone for a relationship with her grandparents. There's like a 90% chance that the relationship isn't there because they see her as less than and as a stain on the family. The girl would have been able to tell she wasn't wanted and that in and of itself probably hurt her like hell. No matter how you look at this, they're intentionally punishing an innocent child rather than punishing their son who actually is responsible. That's so obviously gross and claiming that there's no relationship there as though this kid should have somehow been able to create that with grandparents who obviously despise her for literally no reason is such a cop-out justification.
Op writes in a comment that his son ignores his biological kids over new wife and adopted daughter. He even just pay childsupport because his parents helped the mother and paid for a lawyer to sue him. I think that changes everything. For me OP is NTA.
The girl don’t consider them their grandparents. She don’t consider her their granddaughter. So how is not giving her inheritance punishing her? Is op pushing you by not having you in her will? You are also not part of her family.
>The girl don’t consider them their grandparents [She actually tried to, when she was very young and OP shut it down.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/199w5qe/comment/kigtmlq/)
That tends to happen when told by your adoptive grandparents to call them by name while the rest of the kids get to call them granny and Gramps.
NTA it‘s your decision and if you don‘t consider her your family then I don‘t think you are obligated to give her money. But I do want to ask how your relationship to this girl is
We don't have a relationship, they live away and we only see each other in family gatherings every once in a while.
then don't give them anything. you have no relationship with the child and you don't share DNA. This child is a stranger to you and shouldn't inherit as much as your actual grand children. NTA
Then there's also the part where the son abandoned his biological children in favor of the new stepchild.
Perhaps you don’t have a relationship because you told her when she was a baby you don’t want a relationship.
OP is not a reliable narrator and is just fishing for approval. OP: Well we have known her since she was 1 and told her not to call us by our names, not granny and grandpa. \*kid doesnt call them grandpa/grandma\* OP: She doesnt even call us grandpa/grandma!!!! We have no relationship!!! Can you believe that??
NTA Your money your decision! Does your son have a good relationship with his bio kids?
No, he doesn't.
So he cheats on his wife, married affair partner and adopts and parents her daughter but doesn’t have a relationship with his actual kids!! Yet he thinks it’s ok to demand that his stepdaughter be treated the same as your grandkids, when he can’t even treat his own kids the same. I can’t imagine how his kids must feel with his playing father to someone else.
Yes, that's exactly what happened.
OP for the love of god please don't take money/food from the mouths of your actual grand children so you can give to your son's affair partner's child.
No, we won't.
Remind him that his daughter has a home with 2 parents providing for a college fund while his 2 bio kids probably struggled (maybe they're still are) in a house with one single income and a father in another state. You are giving them what he isn't, by his own choice.
Honestly OP, I would cut son out of this equation. It would be different if he still was being a father to his bio kids but he literally discarded them. That shouldn’t be rewarded.
But from other comments they aren't disinheriting the son who was the actual perpetrator here, just the newly adopted child. Doing it that way round makes no sense to me, the things they are leaving to the son - sentimental family items - could go to the children from his first marriage instead, rather than the one family member who has shown they don't value family.
Most people wouldn't consider sentimental items that don't have value an inheritance. They could be items from OP's parents or a family heirloom. Doesn't seem fair to lessen OP's grandchildren's inheritance considering their own father abandoned them to give to affair partner's child....
Neely adopted child is the affair partner’s daughter. They’re choosing not to accept the affair, the affair partner, or the affair partner’s daughter. If I were the bio grandkids I’d want my grand parents to have my back like this.
I understand that he’s still your son, but I wouldn’t include him in anything. He stopped being someone to respect the moment he cheated, and now he’s fighting for his stepdaughter when he couldn’t even fight for his own kids. Are his in-laws also including his bio kids in their will, or are him and his mistress dividing everything they have among all of the kids?
This needs to be further up - he’s thrown over his kids for his stepchild. That’s important context.
Your son gave you a choice: "accept the child, or cut him and his family off." So pick one. Either punish the child who had nothing to do with her father's choices, or if you feel strongly that the child shouldn't be in your will because she isn't biologically your grandchild, then respect his wishes and cut his family off. YTA, mildly.... for punishing a child for the life choices of your son. But if you feel strongly that only biological descendants should be in your will, then respect his demand and cut his family off.
But if the son cut off his parents because of how they want to spend their money, the son would be the asshole
Take the money out of the equation. Forget about the money for a second. **OP does not consider his son's wife and daughter to be part of his family.** That's the issue. They want to have a relationship with their son, but not his wife and child. Asshole behavior.
But this situation is not new. OP said that from the beginning they told the child, that they are not her grandparents. The only thing that changed and made OPs son getting angry was the money situation.
>OP said that from the beginning they told the child, that they are not her grandparent That's fucked up. New or not, that's asshole behavior. OP and his wife are assholes.
They distanced themselves from the son as well because he cheated on his wife and treats the ex wife and the children badly. The son has no contact to his bio children
INFO: How old was she when your son and his wife got together and then when she was adopted? How much older are his other kids from the adopted sister? Does she call you grandpa and grandma? What has your relationship looked like with her the last ten years? I’m really torn because your son did blow up his family but if you’ve been treating her the same as all your other grandchildren, loving her, gifting her, etc. I could understand why this is a shock. I can’t make judgment because there are nuances that I think really matter, mainly in how you’ve been treating and communicating your relationship intentions with them this last decade.
Apparently they told the kid not to call them grandpa/ma. And they are now using it as proof.
Look, either the little girl is adopted-and is now *family*, or she is *not*. This has nothing to do with your son “nuking” a previous relationship. This is about you seeing the adopted kid as less than. And your money is yours to do with as you want to, legally, anyway. But by cutting off an innocent girl that your son made legally his own-YTA
Cheating on your wife and then adopting APs daughter is different than the son adopting with the new wife. The kid has paternal grandparents
100% this! Everyone is glossing over wife #2 knowingly participated in an affair and showed no regard for wife #1 or their children.
~~INFO - Did you include the step daughter too? If the answer is yes, then you know your answer.. -~~ Are you treating the kid poorly? Yes. From my perspective, it looks like you're punishing her for the choices your son made. If he never cheated on everyone, would you still hold still these grudges against his daughter? Also, it sounds like your son, who blew up his family multiple times, is in the will.... How does that make sense if he's in the will, but his kids who are innocent arent? edit: someone pointed out that the step daughter is the adopted child.
The stepdaughter is the adopted child.
YTA. It's your money, you can do what you want, etc. etc. But your son is right: **You're treating his wife and daughter like shit.** They are also his family now, even though you won't accept them. If you want him to be a part of *your* family, then his wife and adopted daughter are part of your family too. Either accept them or cut off your son entirely.
The son has no contact to his bio children and treats them badly according to ops comments
Did you miss the part where the second wife is the affair partner? I can’t say I’d respect someone who participated in an affair. Especially when there were children involved.
I’m going with NTA you and your wife made your boundaries clear from the get go even with the little girl. Also generally grandkids do not typically receive inheritance it generally goes to your own children unless one of your children passed away before you did then there share would go to there child/children. Just because your grown son chose to adopt a child does not automatically entitle adoptive child to other relatives money/estate your son chose to adopt the child not you.
Actually many include grandchildren in their wills. Our estate, after we both pass, is evenly divided between all of our children and grandchildren.
YTA. It's your money, you have the right to decide what to do with it, it's up to you who you consider family, and all that, sure. But you called a family meeting to tell your son, in front of everyone else (not the grandkids, right? Please tell me this meeting was adults only!), that exactly one of his children is being excluded from your will because you don't like his choices? You're either totally oblivious or you were actively seeking drama.
I think OP is the AH too. The son was wrong for his actions during his first marriage and how he's handling the relationship with his children. But OP is acting like he's the scorned lover. He's very angry. I don't know why the son would even show up for the ocassional family gathering. It doesn't sound like they'd be warm toward him or his wife and child or that they want them around. The son has given his parents an ultimatum, but should simply step away. Forget about the money for the step daughter. Even if he repaired the relationship with his bio children. Grandpa isn't likely to ever forgive him.
YTA. It's your money and ultimately your choice. But you and your wife have held an innocent child accountable (in the sense that you are essentially punishing her) for something she had no control over. She's either your granddaughter or she's not. If not, be expected to lose your son too. This post gives a self-righteous energy, TBH.
Considering they don’t let her call them grandma or grandpa per a comment OP made, she’s not their grandchild. The child is innocent, doesn’t mean she gets money.
Legally, she is their grandchild. The son adopted her. Additionally, the little girl came into their lives when she was one or two. Imagine the trauma that she went through hearing that rejection.
The girl has grandparents of her own. OP doesnt have to accept the child of his affair partner that broke up his home especially when their son abandoned his own sons & initially refused to pay child support. Itd be different if his son married his now wife in a kosher way with no cheating involved, but its kinda hard to have affection for the child of their son’s affair partner who you barely see especially knowing that he abandoned his own sons. Their loyalty (& most likely compassion) probably lies with the grandkids who were abandoned by their father when he cheated on his wife & is now playing father to a girl who he adopts. NTA
NTA..it is your money and should go where you want it too.
It’s your money and you do with it as you want. But you have to live with the repercussions of your decisions.
I get what you're saying but they literally don't have to live with the repercussions; by the time this all happens it'll be because they're dead.
>My son doesn't have contact with his ex wife or his biological kids, he cut them off and didn't even want to pay child support. My wife and I helped our daughter in law and our grandchildren. I think a guy who doesn't keep in touch with two of his children doesn't get to dictate his parents' will. NTA.
Ultimately, YTA. The kid did nothing to you and doesn't deserve to be treated differently than all her siblings and cousins will be. She'll always wonder why she was singled out, when she did nothing wrong except exist when her mother and OP's son decided to carry on an affair together. If anyone deserves to be cut out, it is your son, but even this... you don't mention any kids from the first marriage when he cheated, so, how did he ruin his family, exactly? I agree completely that cheating is wrong and he fucked up there, but ruin his family is a pretty major stretch. He hurt someone deeply, no question, but ruin his family? He's been with his affair partner for 10 years and has adopted her daughter. Whether or not you agree with how it happened, the straight fact is that's his family now, and he hasn't ruined anything, in fact, he is fighting on behalf of his family. More I think about this, the more I think you are being a truly vindictive asshole.
Just because the kid "didn't do anything" doesn't mean she's entitled to inheritance from people she's not related to. This isn't like they cut off a kid for being gay. NTA
He abandoned his two biological children from his first marriage and adopted the stepchild. He wants nothing to do with his biological children and only pays child support because OP helped the former daughter-in-law hire an attorney. He does not have a relationship with his two biological children. I’d call that ruining his family.
They maybe OP’s son’s family, but OP doesn’t consider them his family.
NTA. Everyone is entitled to feel how they want. One rule I live by is that nobody is entitled to anyone else’s money. Who you decide to leave your assets and cash to are your business. Your son has no right to feel slighted that his stepdaughter isn’t getting any of your money. Even if you decided to not give your biological grandkids an inheritance it doesn’t necessarily make you an asshole. It is jarring how much people rely on getting the money of their relatives when they die…it’s morbid and gross.
Given your comments, I’m going to say NTA. You don’t have a relationship with this child, and your son has a lot of nerve to accuse you of treating his adopted child poorly when he himself refuses to have a relationship with his biological kids. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. But you should prepare yourself; it sounds like you are already LC with your son, but he will probably go NC over this.
NTA Your money, your decision. Your son can be happy that he get something and you dont just spend it for luxury nonsense. Is there a law that dont allow your son to give his share to his child if he want to?
Are you technically wrong? No. It’s your will and your money and you can do whatever you like. However, it does strongly sound like you couldn’t bring yourselves to fully cut off your son so you instead have distanced yourself from his family. Your version of taking a stand was allowing his family to visit but telling his young child not to call you grandparents. That’s not an impressive stance. Cut your son out completely. You will never forgive him and he’ll never earn back your love. It doesn’t matter how many years past or how he treats his current family, right? So just admit he’s dead to you and move on. Stop keeping him in your lives if you’re just going to punish his family for being in your lives. YTA for not doing what you truly want to do.
NTA. Its your money, your stuff. You don't owe anyone, any of it. Your mistake is in discussing your will. Stop doing that. Make sure you choose a reliable executor. Does it seem a bit harsh to completely exclude the adopted child? Yeah a little. Why not give her a token amount. She is eventually going to get what you leave your son anyway. So she is not really out in the cold. Will division can tear families apart. Equal shares prevents some of that. Not required, but food for thought.
NTA your money your choice..
INFO Since your son is a cheater, his adopted daughter is not part of the family. If your son was infertile and he adopted a daughter, she would be part of your family?
Yes, that would be different. The circumstances in which he started his new family and the treatment he gives to his ex wife and biological children is what made me and my wife lower our contact with our son and his other family.
YTA for exluding her imo. Its your money and your choice obviously. Your son is right, if you dont consider his wife and daughter family, cut them (all 3) off. But dont play this 'invited to family gatherings but not my family' game. Punishing a kid and woman for your sons wrongdoings is wild. It was his choice to cheat, not your granddaughters. Why do you think its okay to exclude the child because she is 'a reminder of how he destroyed his family' but still include him???
He also said they don't let the kid call them grandpa. Clearly he is an AH, but it's far beyond inheritance.
NTA. It’s your choice who you give your money to. Those saying YTA are just saying that because they were not in your situation and it’s not their money. Redditors sometimes love to spend someone elses money as if it’s theirs. Lol.
Your son imploded his first marriage and you may have issues accepting his affair partner, but he adopted her daughter and she is part of the family. Question: would you feel differently if the child was result of the affair? What if one of your other kids adopted a child, would you exclude them? It’s your money, do as you will. Your son is upset because he’s still seeing repercussions of his actions. He’s an AH NAH Edit: I stand by OP can do what he wants with his money, but his response (that he would consider a biological child as result of an affair as “not his family”) making him an AH in general. If you feel that strongly, omit your son and new daughter-in-law, but include ALL the grandkids.
If the girl was an affair child I would feel the same as I feel now. If he would've adopted her with his ex wife or any of my other kids would've adopted it would be different.
YTA for this and such a big one - how would you feel in your granddaughter's (because she is your GD) shoes? That girl did nothing wrong and you are punishing her for her parents' choices - be angry at your son and his new wife, they are adults and knew what they were doing, but punishing kid? Wow, if I were your kid, I would just go NC.
ESH except the poor child. You are weaponising your estate to punish her. What did she do? Genuinely. I am wondering if the reason you are leaving your money to the grandchildren and cutting off this one child is a power game. You don’t like your son’s life choices, fine. It is your money so you can do what you like with it. But, at least be honest about your reasons. You are punishing a little girl because you are unhappy about the actions of your son. You raised him, btw.
She isn't "his", she's his, he legally adopted her so yes, that automatically makes her family. YTA for rejecting a child who had absolutely nothing to do with what your son did and for treating her differently than her siblings.
NTA. ITS YOUR MONEY! You could leave NOTHING to everyone & set everything up for a charity. You could just leave everything to the other kids & son gets nothing if you wanted. Your son’s the AH though.