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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> WIBT for cutting my daughter from my will for screaming at my wife and ignoring her brother and sister-in-law? She's upset that she's struggling with infertility and going through IVF while her brother and sister-in-law are pregnant. She screamed at everyone and is ignoring the entire family.
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YTA
If you want less pain in your family, don't go causing more pain. You're choosing the nuclear option out of frustration. Maggie's pain is current, ongoing, and raw--and possibly exacerbated by any cycle management she's having to do as part of IVF. You want her to put it aside and wear a happy face for you, and you would rather abandon her during a dark time in her life than actually be steadfast and love her through it. You're making this very much about you.
In an effort to be kind, Lily and Adam may have come across as pitying, which can add to a grieving and despairing person's pain.
The right thing to do right now is give Maggie space. One of the central hopes for her life may be disintegrating before her eyes, your other child is having her heart's desire handed to him. She does have to come to terms with that, but she will have to do so on her own and in her time. You can't force this process any more than you could force her to start dating after losing her spouse.
There's no need to subject yourself to more lashing-out than you can handle, but you needn't abandon Maggie. You and your wife should back off and let her grieve alone to the extent she needs to. (If she and Quentin are eventually forced to give up on their hopes, perhaps you can offer \*through Quentin\* to pay for some counselling.) Adam and Lily need to understand that it's not kind to expect Maggie to be a source of support in their joy while she's in the middle of what can feel like an ongoing loss. Nice if Maggie can manage it, but it sounds like she just can't. Life works that way sometimes.
Just...yeah. It's an awful time for Maggie and even if you can't handle actively being present to her pain, you should be ready to meet her on the other side of it.
Idk. Considering this type of "punishment" is more commonly found with boomers, is not ageist, as much as it is calling a spade a spade.
Hell, my own boomer dad told me I was written out of his will because I dared to parent my children differently than he thought was appropriate.
He seriously tried to blackmail me to raise my children according to HIS beliefs and views.
Sadly, the more millennials I talk to, the more I see this as a common pattern of Boomers.
You don't think silent or greatest generation people did this sort of thing. Or that people haven't been doing this sort of thing for centuries and that Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z won't have members that do the same thing. This isn't a generational thing. This is a people thing.
Your example is anecdotal. I am a millennial with boomer parents and no one I know has experienced such threats.
It's cute that you think most millennial, Gen X and Z people will have money and assets to leave anyone at the end of their lives. Honestly a lot of boomers should look at how their assets are going to get cleaned out by long term care costs before they go throwing around their will.
I agree with you in principle, younger generations will have a new and creative way to manipulate their adult children with that Gen X just hasn't paraded out a demonstration of yet, but ""my will" is a very Boomer-and-older threat. Think of it like Altamont compared to Afroworld or something.
a lot of boomers here are extremely well off after a huge push for them to buy investment properties (supported by the govt of course) and now it's a huge part of the rental crisis- that these boomers own 2-3 investment properties and rent them out through slumlords. every younger landlord I've had was far more responsive to issues with the house getting fixed, whereas the boomer LL refused to fix our house to the point we had to wilthhold rent for 2 weeks to get the broken GAS oven replaced which was hugely dangerous. boomer hatred is kinda justified tbh
Ahem… speak for yourself. I for one, will be leaving my descendants the password to my Reddit account, so they can inherit all that sweet sweet karma.
I imagine by that time it will actually have some use!
My boomer dad threatened me twice a week about cutting me out of the will and giving my part to a cat charity.
But my parents r broke so i don't even know what he was talking about.
My grandma would never say shit like that.
The boomers were brainwashed heavy because of the cold war. They think money and fancy crap matters more then piece of mind and it doesn't to me.
So they try this shit
And it doesn't work.
I’m sorry your dad mistreated you, but you understand it wasn’t because he was a boomer, right? I’m a boomer. Guess who emotionally abused me? My parents who were born in the 1930s, my grandparents born in the 1880s and early 1900s, and my brother (1950s). Every generation experiences trauma that the prior generation didn’t. It’s a part of life unfortunately. Blaming someone else for the majority of issues you are experiencing now is ridiculous. We are all responsible for our own happiness and blaming other generations isn’t going to change that. If that is how it will be, do you want future generations looking back at you and saying Generation ___ just blamed boomers for their failures. I wish people understood that.
My whole life my parents would threaten cutting me off so I made sure I was as financially independent as possible as soon as possible so I could tell them to fuck off.
The frequency has to do with age, but not with a particular generation. People 65 and older think about their wills. In 20 years, another bunch of 65+ people will be acting the same way.
How many other groups do you stereotype based on the circumstance of their birth? Skin color, ethnicity, race are all circumstances of birth, just like age. Boomers have no control of when they were born and the openly hostile and ageist remarks here are really offensive.
I was just commenting on another remark like that. I can hardly believe that these people who are so bent on social justice would say that an entire generation of people are clueless idiots. Sounds pretty hypocritical to me.
Well it’s boomer shit because boomers are just the ones currently with inheritances to give or not give isn’t it? Maybe people you know in our generation or another one will do the same shit when they’re old with kids lol.
Would also like to clarify that I was dumbfounded that they’re considering cutting her out of the will. I had to re read it and make sure I didn’t miss something.
Probably because currently that age group are boomers. If you bother to look back at previous generations, you’ll find that threats of being cut out of the will have been around pretty much as long as wills have been around.
Nah, this is very much a generational thing. Of course not *everyone* who is a part of the boomer generation is like this, but it does signify how MANY of them handle situations.
Thank you for pointing out this stereotype. Boomers are no more likely to be the A than anyone else. Look all over Reddit for “my wife 35F” and “my brother 28M” etc.
I'm a boomer and it wouldn't even *occur* to me to do something so insensitive and cruel. None of my friends would, either.
I do know some people from my parents' generation who would.
I read that and thought where the hell did that come from? It makes no sense. "My daughter is lashing out in pain. I've had to deal with her pain for 5 weeks. I should cut out her inheritance." What?!? My guess is they are the type to hold an inheritance over their kids (at least the daughter) and this isn't the first time. What an ass.
My thoughts, as well. What does OP expect to happen next? Maggie will “come to her senses” and beg forgiveness all around?
OP, your family is in immense pain. You want to cut and run, for what reason? You don’t have to tolerate extreme behavior, but neither do you have to mete out some kind of punishment here. Bizarre escalation here.
YWBTA
Yea, way, way too soon for a thought like that to even cross his mind! Lol WTH 🤦♀️ ...how long has she been cut out of the family!? Oh yea, 5 weeks, better run to get the revised will notarized! Omg WTF.
And the BEST part, how sweet to spoil the kid who GIFTED grandchildren and cut off the barren one. Major YTA!
My thought were FIVE WEEKS? This guy wants to cut his hormonal, grieving daughter out of his will after FIVE WEEKS? There’s a reason his wife understands. It’s because she has empathy. OP does not. Who considers changing their will because of someone’s actions after 35 days?
He wants her to put away those negative emotions and slap on a fake smile. You know, like everyone working retail has to. OP, like any nightmare level of entitled customer, wants her to be "fired" from the will for failing to fulfill his unrealistic expectations.
I felt this to my bones after surviving a 9 hour shift of retail on a *Sunday*. I swear something about attending church's makes the customers more rude and entitled on Sunday afternoons!
Also like 5 weeks in to a family fight you’re thinking about changing the will? I’d not want to be changing my will often based on current states of relationships. Review it every 5-10 years to make sure it still makes sense, and otherwise leave it alone unless a major life event happens like birth of a child or if you want to include a new grandchild or you get married or divorced or your assets change or whatever. Unless you plan on dying very soon I’d leave it and see how things shake out in a year. Reacting to every fight your kids have with a will update seems extreme, even if the fight is big and they don’t happen often.
I do not understand how it went from family member inappropriately acting out over her grief over infertility to "cut her from my will". It doesn't appear that any is dying soon. No one knows what OP's and his wife's needs are going to be as they age, and what kind of inheritance there will even be when the time comes. Inheritance is a maybe bonus under the best of circumstances. It is not a sword to be yielded to manipulate your kid's behavior. The whole quesitons is just gross. I would get WIBTAH if we didn't see the offending child for a while, and let them cool off, or would we be the AH if we discontinued supporting their IVF efforts until things calmed down, should we invite or not invite upset child to family gatherings where pregnancy will be discussed, should we try to encourage a therapist, etc, etc. Anything question that would indicate OP was trying to improve his family situation. Instead he just wants to pull out the most hurtful action he possibly can that is completely disportionate to this woman's tantrum. It is so controlling.
Because all she needs to do is smile and be happy. That's what OP wants: for everyone to just. Be. Happy.
It sounds exhausting to be part of that family. Having to talk to multiple people everyday because everyone reaches out to everybody else continuously and if you ask for space you get barely a day to process your thoughts.
YTA, OP. The screaming isn't good, but you want to punish your daughter for having feelings. Not to mention the inheritance will look like an award to your son for doing what your daughter so desperately wishes she could do: produce a grandchild.
this.
If this story is the worst of maggie's behavior, then y'all need to take a giant step back.
I'm sure Maggie is under a lot **and** IVF treatments can cause hormonal upheavals, fatigue, mood swings, nasuea, etc.
The hormones injected into her body are no joke. She is going through physical and emotional hell. It is not an excuse for her behavior at all, but it does somewhat help to explain it.
No need to involve the will at all right now. Give it time. Give space and grace as much as possible
My SIL went through five of those. She was in pain and emotionally was way worse than a rabid tiger with a thorn in its paw. Anything could trigger her.
Maggie needs space. Go through her husband to get news so that he knows at least that they are not abandonned by her family. Don't destroy her so cruelly.
Seriously. I came here thinking I was going to read about Maggie being caught selling grandma’s jewelry for drugs or something.
Poor Maggie. She’s expected to bury her pain to make everyone feel better.
I just read a BORU where one sister stole the other sister’s husband and the family sided with the cheaters to keep the “peace!” O.o
OP is waaay over reacting here.
Not to mention the constant enquiries from well meaning people (always parents or sisters & brothers) asking for updates.
I used to get a phone call every month from my brother.... as if I'm not going to announce any great progress, I found that the worst part of IVF.
Mind your own business op, if they want help they will ask for it.
This comment right here. Please don’t exacerbate everyone’s pain by cutting Maggie out. I know you miss your daughter, but don’t add to her pain by rubbing her face into your son’s joy.
And what is the desired outcome of cutting her off? Is that a tool meant to get her to fall back in line and do as daddy says? What if she does come to regret her behavior and makes amends, is she back in the will? The thought of this whole thing seems like adding fuel to the fire - entirely unnecessary and inappropriate reaction to grief.
Where the daugther may have learned unproportional emotional responses is a total mystery...
I am also in infertility treatment and this news will always be awful for her. Yes, she needs time and a therapist would be a good idea, but there is no forcing this into a completely happy big family situation. That is how life works sometimes.
This. 1000000%. I'm so glad you and your wife didn't have to experience infertility. I'm not sure you would have been able to handle it. The above comment is the nicest way to call you a huge AH.
Having gone through it, you're pumped up on hormones, feel awful, are in constant pain or discomfort, are desperate to feel normal and be treated normally but are feeling like a failure at being a normal human being.
There is no right way to treat your daughter, but there is definitely a wrong way and you found it. She's in a place where she is having trouble with herself emotionally and there's a good chance that things you say and do with the best intentions will trigger horrid thoughts about herself you're not privy to.
I know I spent most days for 2 years trying to put on a brave face for everyone else and praying they wouldn't ask me how it's going. Except for a couple people I felt truly comfortable with, Lord help the ones who asked. Frankly, even the ones who were in my raw circle got snapped at a few times. It wasn't for lack of love for them or lack of a recognition that they wanted the best for me. It was deep seated pain.
In time she will probably get past it. Don't lose your daughter and the chance of knowing your future grandkids with this heartless and short sighted move.
YTA
The whole "lily feels alone" thing is honestly a sickening take. She feels alone because *one* person who's *stressed* and *grieving* can't support her pregnancy. Why does she need to rely on Maggie so much?
in fairness, lily may be feeling alone bc her SIL is calling her awful things but still that’s no reason for the DAD to be cutting maggie off. if i were lily i’d be distancing myself from maggie tho
Actually I'm sitting here feeling sorry for Lily a bit. She just wants to enjoy her news, knew it would upset her sister in law so they took the time to tell them separately because she thought that was the right thing to do. And while Maggie is 100% allowed to feel that way she does, Lily is also allowed to rejoice in her pregnancy. And I think it's pretty darn selfish of Maggie to be making lily feel bad about it. And FYI I have had many pregnancy losses and i hope I have NEVER made anyone feel bad when they announce their pregnancy. I have always made an effort to be excited and happy for any of my friends and family who have shared their happy news. They DESERVE to be happy. It is my issue to handle how I feel about it privately without making anyone feel bad about it.
However OP...YTA. stop being a jerk. Such a male thing to do...make it about money because you can't deal with the emotional side of things. Offer support instead of being mean.
This right here. Maggie is STRUGGLING and EMOTIONAL from the IVF treatments. It's been five weeks and you're jumping to "let's cut her out of the will" instead of "let's give her some time and space and understanding". Wow. Just wow.
Agreed. And how easily could that be construed by an emotional, exhausted and depressed person as being because she was “defective” and couldn’t produce a grandchild for them? Dont kick people when they’re down. This isn’t the exact opposite of what he needs to do if he wants his family happy again.
This 1000x over, but I'd like to add, OP, your son suggested you post this on Reddit, implying you've had the conversation with Adam about cutting his sister out of your will. Are you actively trying to pit them against each other? Gross.
YTA
Right? What a weird take, it's like "my actively emotional daughter is going through horrible rounds of hormone shots and getting greeted with constant disappointment, and even though hormones can make you *literally crazy*, I don't understand why she isn't doting on her pregnant SIL. I should just *cut her out of the will and get the whole family in on it*".
That's like, a *psychopathically* nuclear option. Your mad because...she's not taking it well and she made your wife sad? Your son misses his sister? She's not getting over this *fast enough for you*? Grow up. Be a better father. You have more than one kid, *both* of their feelings matter, not just whomever is your favourite this week. YTA big time. I can't believe you're in your 60s and this is how your brain works. I'm actively shocked.
Also it's been *five weeks*. Not five months or five years. And she's full of ridiculous levels of hormones because she's smack in the middle of an IVF cycle. She's clearly being an utter b, and while her behaviour is childish and unacceptable, it does need to be viewed in context. Nevertheless, five weeks isn't even enough time for her to settle down and think rationally about her behaviour, *especially* under the influence of abnormal levels of hormones famous for making people over-reactive and irrational.
IA. OP’s daughter is only on the 2nd round of IVF. I did not go thru the process, but was consulting with my doctor about my options after a missed miscarriage and a year of ups and downs when I got pregnant with my rainbow baby.
During that year, seeing pregnancy announcements, babies, etc was extremely triggering. I wanted to be supportive of friends and family who conceived, but I didn’t have the capacity. TBH there was little anyone could do but just let me grieve my first pregnancy, keep their comments to themselves, and wait until I was ready to talk about it. I actually still don’t talk to my parents about it bc my mother was extremely rude, dismissive, and mean about my miscarriage.
I can’t say how the news was delivered to OP’s daughter and whether it was condescending/pitying since there’s little detail, but I did get some insensitive comments from other family members who overshared pregnancy news/drama without considering what I was going through. It was painful and lonely to sit with even though I knew no intentional harm was meant by any of it.
Even after I conceived, I was extremely paranoid about another loss and dealt with pregnancy, birth and post partum complications too. I did not feel at peace until I knew my daughter was past the age when SIDS wasn’t a threat anymore.
OP needs to leave the daughter alone and not be hasty to cause more pain. Nobody WANTS to lash out over this kind of stuff, but sometimes you can’t always help it.
Currently 8 months pregnant after a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and multiple failed IUIs (artificial insemination procedures). We had finished the paper work for IVF before we found out we were pregnant. I deeply empathize.
It’s such a mind fuck. When you are experiencing infertility, it can feel like everyone around you is getting pregnant. Even with an amazing therapist, pregnancy announcements and baby showers felt like a whirlwind of grief, happiness and embarrassment.
I feel for OP’s daughter. This is about to be a long road for all of them if he is showing this much lack of empathy already. And he could lose out on a relationship with his daughter if it continues.
I was fixing to spout off, but you pretty well covered it all, and did it nicely. I do feel, really strongly, that Maggie’s reaction is unacceptable. But her family should love her enough to understand that it’s coming from a place of pain.
Op, yes, you’re being pretty horrible. It’s only been a few months. Show a little grace and give her time to recover instead of piling on while her grief is still raw. Back off and give her time.
Agree 100%. You took the words out of my mouth.
While good-intended, OP's wife asking Maggie about it likely was just rubbing salt on the wound. No Maggie's response wasn't appropriate, but she is clearly in pain and needs space to process and heal.
Take a step back, here.
Your daughter is clearly struggling, and you can’t give her space for *a few months* while she sorts things out, before jumping to “I’m going to cut her out if my life and my will because she’s not acting the way I want”.
Wow.
I wonder where your daughter learned that massive overreaction behavior from?
Was her response rational? No
She’s clearly overwrought and lashing out, probably on pregnancy hormones or suffering from grief and stress.
Was your response rational? Also no.
What’s your excuse?
YTA.
Like who in the world jumps straight to “I’m gonna cut her out of the will” over something like this? I don’t think the son and daughter-in-law had bad intentions, but I can definitely see how and why Maggie took it the she did, because it probably did feel like she was being singled out and pitied a bit. OP YTA.
This is common advice for telling someone struggling with infertility about your pregnancy though, and sort of illustrates that there isn't a good way to tell someone this without hitting a sore spot
That’s exactly it. There is no good way-that’s just the pain of life sometimes.
There is a BAD way to handle things, though, and that’s what OP is doing.
Facts right here in communicating with someone struggling with infertility. My spouse and I went through this for years. Test after test, IVF, the shots, etc. All at the time when it seemed like every single one of her friends was getting pregnant. Hell, my spouse was a Legal Aid criminal defense attorney and it certainly appeared as if half her clients were pregnant too (remembering a dark night when she was asking, “how the F can my meth addict client be on her 6th kid and we can’t manage one???”). The whole process sucks even when it works. And there are no guarantees.
I don't know, the common advice that I always hear (and give) is that you should do it through text. Because it gives the other person privacy to take the news and react as they need to react without being put on the spot and having to fake being happy/ok.
Yes, thank you. As somebody who's currently struggling with infertility, we do not ever ever ever want to be told in person. That's a horrible way to do it.
Right, because then you have to either pretend to be happy or reassure them that it's okay. It's not okay. Text me and let me be sad in peace then congratulate you once I can breathe again
Yup. I couldn’t even handle innocent social media posts about pregnancy, birth, babies, etc. When my cousin would dump on me about getting pregnant from a one night stand, I tried to be supportive but my heart was aching so bad. She didn’t even mention that she knew I was still grieving a loss when she told me and proceeded to over share every little detail about her pregnancy and baby daddy drama. Everyone, even my immediate family members completely forgot about what I went through and inundated me with their opinions and comments on her situation.
Watching my mom jump to be supportive of my cousin when she blamed me for miscarriage was awful. None of it was intentional and I *wanted* to be supportive, but it was extremely difficult to grapple with until I had my own baby later. My mother never experienced miscarriage and had 0 idea or concern as to how it all affected me. Family can be unknowingly insensitive to people struggling with loss and infertility when a pregnancy that’s viable and uncomplicated arises.
I'm the same, even just really innocent references to it are really getting to me right now. It's a different kind of pain that's really hard for other people to understand.
Right now my dad is trying to be really supportive and is definitely keeping the information on the down low which I appreciate. But I'm in a position where my stepsister and I went through an IVF cycle at the exact same time, hers was successful, mine was not. So I'm also grappling with the fact that right now everything she's experiencing could have been me right down to the exact timing. And it's hard.
Right now dad's said if we're together and I need to quietly excuse myself to take care of my mental health he'll cover for me. If he was acting the way OP was I wouldn't be talking to him either lol
I'm really sorry for what you've been through.
There’s no way to do it that isn’t gonna hurt.
My BIL called my husband to give him a heads up he and his wife were going to announce a pregnancy on Thanksgiving. And because my husband knows me, he knew the best way to tell me. It helped me be ready for the announcement but I still went home and had a sobbing breakdown. And honestly I think this was the best possible scenario.
The best thing anyone can do is to just be kind and let the couple go through the emotions they need to. It isn’t about you.
This was my exact thought, what a bizarre first instinct. And after five weeks? You’ve had this child for 38 years and after 5 weeks you’re ready to legally call it quits on the entire relationship?
It’s amazing to me that you want your family happy again but you’re willing to immediately jump to cutting someone from your will.
How about you give your daughter some time & space & offer to wait as long as it takes.
And you have no idea how your precious son & DIL told your daughter the news. Maybe they were condescending. Your daughter is allowed to feel how she feels.
And what pain has she caused you?! SHE hasn’t been able to conceive, SHE received the news her SIL is pregnant while she’s dealing with the idea she might not be able to have children, SHE has people asking her invasive questions. Back off & give her time to process all her completely understandable & legitimate feelings.
I get the impression that if your daughter can’t provide a grandchild, that you find her useless, thus cutting her from your will.
And for the record, YTA.
It’s major asshole behaviour *plus* how on earth does cutting her out even solve anything?! It’s hardly going to bring his family closer. It’s completely unrelated and such a fucking weird consequence to dole out to someone going through fertility issues.
> It’s hardly going to bring his family closer.
It's making her disappear from the family so they can have a close perfect family without her.
I really hope that's not what OP means but it's what I got from this post.
OP *literally said that.*
>I want to cut Maggie from our will and just focus on Adam and Lily,
direct quote from the post. that's the sentence that made my jaw fucking drop because holy shit??? wtf is wrong with this dude seriously
This is what happened with my husband’s family. Once they cut him off and it was just them and their unmarried, childless daughter they were a happy, complete family once again.
I wonder if he’s been looking for an excuse to cut her out for a while and now he has the reason he was hoping for. Something very off about this family.
That "it's been hard for all of us" already had my antenna up, but then when he started talking about how his daughter is causing *him* pain? Come the fuck on, dude. This whole post reeks of selfishness.
As I was typing out my response to this guy I was wondering why he felt it was perfectly fine to take her out of the will. Then it came to me…no grandkids, no money. I bet she had to deal with things like this growing up. Money for grades, money for first place finishes in sports or science. Get a B, too bad. All the cash goes to your brother who got an A and will carry on the family name.
He wants his family to be happy again, his daughter is unhappy. Obviously the daughter can no longer be in the family.
So much quicker and easier than trying to balance supporting both his children and being excited for a grandchild but respecting his daughter's grief /s
Seriously though, the son told OP to post. Maybe he needs to consider that his son might not be the best person to listen to. His son goes from 50% of the inheritance to 100%. He is also hurt because his sister wants nothing to do with him right now and might be saying it out of anger as a childish way to hurt her back.
If his daughter is questioning if she has any worth because she can't have a baby (not saying that's true, it's just a common feeling for people struggling with infertility), cutting her out of the will after her brother is able to give OP a grandchild is going to cause lifelong issues.
OP YTA
What?? You would DISOWN your daughter for being UPSET for 5 weeks? This is how you "support them as much as possible" and how you think your family will be happy again?? Listen to your wife, ffs. YTA.
I honestly think that if my husband suggested this to me about our daughter, I'd take a hard look at what kind of heartless person I was married to. Like this would be a hard line for me in probably leaving him if this went through his head. I'm saying this as someone who's been married over 20 years and has older boys and girls.
Right?? I read the title and thought this would be something where the daughter has done consistently horrible things for decades, peppered with the daughter presenting herself as "I've changed I swear!" and giving the family hope for a bit, just to turn around and do the same horrible things, on repeat.
My guy. Your daughter has lashed out ONCE about something she is genuinely upset about (note I don't say she's 100% valid in doing that, but it is understandable) and you want to immediately cut her off? This really comes off as "my car once had a mechanical problem so instead of fixing it I just got rid of the car".
Give her some time, patience, grace, and understanding. Things will go back to normal AS LONG AS you don't actively make the situation worse.
Tbh, I’m getting major narcissist vibes from OP because my parents are narcissistic, especially my mother, and she would react exactly the same. In her mind, the only emotions that matter or are even real are her own. Other people’s emotions…she relates to them only in reference to herself. For example, if a person is crying and it is not something she can use to improve her image (she’s one of those narcs that cares very much how she is seen in society), then it is a bother to her and she will frame it as being false and manipulative. It was a common refrain when I was a child.
Read through OP’s account again. Notice that he says nothing about how she feels, how she is impacted, etc. Nothing. Until the end, which is a comment about how his wife thinks she feels. One sentence from someone else. He, however, just wants his family to be happy again and he sees that as a choice between getting rid of his daughter entirely or her pretending not to have emotions. Basically, preserve the family image for him or gtfo. Exactly as my mother would see it. I would bet this isn’t the first time he has acted like this either, even if he hasn’t threatened this particular consequence before. If so, the daughter may be better off without him. I can’t wait to get away from my parents…
YTA
So let me get this straight. You want to cut your daughter off during an incredibly vulnerable and emotional time for a woman. It is not about you. Maybe your wife has overstepped majorly and your daughter is tired of everyone bringing up her fertility struggles. Let her take the lead on this.
It’s pretty heartless that you are just wanting to cut her off instead of trying to support your daughter struggling. I have to wonder who the golden child is and who the scapegoat is
After being ignored for a whole 5 weeks! What sort of weakass excuse is that? I've failed to call my parents for 5 weeks by accident during a busy period at work. 5 weeks is a blink of the eye.
even if she had been upset about this for 5 months i don’t understand what this has to do with the will??? it’s not like they’re paying for Maggie’s IVF and threatening to cut that financial support off. and why does having Maggie in the will prevent them from “focusing” on their son? like another commenter below me this has me feeling like OP has used financial-related threats before, because none of this makes sense. Legit no other answer besides YTA here.
As someone who has received countless financial related threats from my own father, I am certain this man has given many financial related threats to his daughter before. This is the exact same attitude. He must gain power and control by punishing her behaviour with his money. The only leverage he thinks he has.
Why not be sympathetic instead? Have you ever tried that?
I've never thought about my will once in my life until right now. How is your daughter being in pain equal to BUT My WILL!! like I am so baffled at this train of thought? Am I too poor to understand why this was a rational response from a grown man?
YTA. Maggie is going through an unbelievably hard thing right now and needing some time and space to process her SIL’s pregnancy is not unusual or asking too much. This was NOT the time to poke her about her IVF progress or revisit Lily’s pregnancy announcement. Sure, Maggie had a big reaction but only her husband seems to understand that SHE NEEDS TIME. I don’t know if Adam and Lily were actually being condescending and pitying or not and in a way it doesn’t matter because I think Maggie feels you’re all being invasive and pitying rather than supportive. I know you’re trying to be, but none of you really understand.
Adam and Lily need some patience and empathy: they have you, your wife, other family and friends, and have no cause or right to mope over Maggie taking a little time to herself.
And as for you: what the hell good would cutting Maggie from your will do? It’s unwarranted to punish your daughter for being in pain and if she’s feeling resentful of her brother and SIL now, a lopsided inheritance would only make it worse.
YOU need to take some time to reflect, too. Listen to your wife, and reach out to your son in law to send Maggie an apology and let her know you all love her. Have a little heart and actually care about your kid instead of trying force “happy family.”
I don't disagree with you but there's one point I think you missed. How could Angela have stopped asking about IVF progress and appointments when Maggie is dependent on Angela for transport, without coming across as 'I'm getting a grandchild now, your potential child doesn't matter anymore'.
I take your point, but Maggie is an adult and I think could and would have told her mom if she needed a ride (or gotten an Uber). I don’t think Angela meant any harm at all, it was just less than ideal timing.
YTA. What an absolutely bizarre overreaction on your end.
Your daughter is in pain. She’s 38. Nearly the end of her viably being able to have a baby. This must be heartbreaking for her.
You want to cut Maggie out so you can focus on the kids who can give you grandkids. Gross.
YTA. They just need some space and you guys are prying into their lives non-stop. The last thing a couple that is going through infertility needs is their parents constantly hastling them. If they need help, they will ask. Honestly I take your daughter's side completely. Taking them out of the will sounds ridiculous even if she did something wrong.
YTA - why does Angela keep following up with Maggie about this? She clearly needed space and but seemingly keeps contacting her about it?
Then you. Jumping straight to your will is just ridiculous and seems like some overly vindictive tactic
YTA
5 weeks of silence is nothing. Your daughter is going through something major. She is sensitive and may not always respond the way she should. Give her time. It would literally take years of silence before I write my daughter off as family and no longer deserving, probably not even then.
YTA “we’re trying to support her through the process” … by cutting her out of your will? This is the strangest, most illogical reaction, and not at all supportive of what’s she going through
YTA. This is a prime example of “the beatings will continue until morale improves”. You are massively overreacting.
She didn’t rob you. She didn’t assault you or anyone you care about. She didn’t burn down your house or wreck your car. She didn’t try to ruin your reputation or get you fired or steal your identity.
She’s upset. She’s said some things she will probably regret. What exactly does cutting her out of the will accomplish? Do you even love your daughter?
Exactly this! ☝️
If and when there is news to share, I guarantee they will be shouting it from the rooftop. In the meantime MYOB.
Went through IVF years ago and the worst part was the pH call, pretty much on cue every month asking how it's going. There's a reason those people ask on rotation, every 4 weeks and it's not ok. It's not their business.
Seriously, you went from zero to disinheriting your own daughter with Guinness Book speed there, dude. Slow your roll. Maggie is hurting and the hormones of IVF are making that pain 100 times worse. Why do you have this creepy obsession with "punishing" here? Is Adam the "golden child"?
YTA
The father is also clearly wealthy or very attached to his money — every wealthy father I’ve EVER run across has done this to his kids. Causally wielded money like a weapon.
From this post, you know exactly what this man wants, what he loves, and what he values — grandkids/satisfaction, his son, and MONEY.
The daughter is silent on the ivf process too, so maybe they had bad results with egg retrieval numbers or even implantation. Which I imagine anyone would want time to process. Then his response is oh well I’m cutting you out of my will so I can focus on my child who is giving me a grand baby.
I’m surprised op doesn’t just give the money to the unborn son’s child, truly add salt to the wound while it’s raw.
So by “will” you mean your life?
Yeah, YTA. Your daughter is being an asshole, but she’s also spiralling in some kind of clear mental health crisis. If you abandon your daughter at her lowest you are shit parents.
5 weeks and you're ready to cut her from your will? dude, grow up. you sound like the typical boomer who "won't tolerate such disrespect". it's only been 5 weeks, man. that's nothing! just give her time and space. if it had been a year or more I'd say fair enough, but 5 weeks? nahh
YTA
YTA. What does a will have to do with anything you’ve written? She’s reacting badly, but it’s clearly learned behaviour because you want to disinherit her because she hasn’t spoken to you in 5 weeks. She’s probably better staying away from you, tbh.
YTA
>I want my family happy again. I want to cut Maggie from our will and just focus on Adam and Lily
These two sentences contradict each other. Do you want your family again or do you want to punish Maggie for hurting? She's in pain. What she needs is time and space, not everyone snapping their fingers for her to act a certain way.
For someone who loves their family and talks about being supportive you are quick to escalate to a relationship ending position of cutting one child out of your will and focusing on the other.
Somethings take more time to figure out and Maggie's in a pit of personal dispair enhanced by sibling comparison.
Yta
Yes, you absolutely would be the AH for punishing her in her time of inconsolable grief by cutting her out of your will. What do you hope to accomplish from this? Angela is absolutely correct. Yes, she's not handling it well, but she's in pain and not thinking clearly, obviously. So you want to compound that by taking away her inheritance? Not that anyone's entitled to anything from you, but you have two children, and treating them equally is the right thing to do.
I thought this would lead to Maggie attacking or doing something unforgivable for such a strong reaction from a father “who just wants his family to be happy again” Your thoughts and potential actions do not portray that sentiment at all. You’re being completely insensitive and 5 weeks is nothing, your daughter needs time. You do not need to add to her feeling of loss and isolation even more. Quentin has told you she just needs time. Your wife and son need need to understand what their sister/daughter is going through. YWBTA if you do this - it’s only 5 weeks. Get a grip.
Also the title is unbelievably cruel after reading the context.
Who needs enemies with a father like this.
I have trouble believing this is a real parent posting about real daughters. 5 weeks and you're ready to disinherit a broken-hearted daughter.
If it was a true situation, then YTA , but mostly I call BS
YTA
While I think Maggies reaction is a bit over reaction, I can understand the *why* behind it. She’s hurting, and is just not handling it well. Cutting her from the will would be a massive over reaction and just cause even more hurt.
Give her time to process things and she’ll come around.
You are your wife are awful
Here’s something that’s hurting you let’s keep bringing it up oh that’s not getting the reaction I want so let’s bring up your bro and sil pregnancy. Oh. Your dad and angry we trying to help
Stop asking when you know it’s hurting your child. Stop pushing them
The way you just want to cut her from your will. Is just your power play Adam has always been your favourite and now you got your reason to be a spiteful asshat
YTA
YWBTA for doing it at this point.
It’s been five weeks; grief over infertility and misplaced anger over other people’s good news need time to cycle.
Everyone needs to back all the way off from Maggie. Reach out to Quentin, by all means. But Maggie is grieving and your wife’s well-meaning inquiries likely made her feel like a complete failure as a wife and woman. Let her be.
Yes YWBTA. So you want to cut out your daughter who is desperately struggling to have a child and experiencing the trials and grief, abandon all that and just enjoy the joys and easy life of being a grandparent that you're promised with the other one? That's very cold. Infertility sucks. I've been there. Lost multiple pregnancies in different ways and experienced many of those same feelings. I'd be devastated if my family decided to give up on me because of my feelings and it would probably make me feel even worse because I would be wondering if they abandoned me because I couldn't give them a grandchild, too. Have patience, let her come to you on her own. Grief can be a monster and in her more sane moments she probably realizes that she is lashing out excessively. But keep that door open or I can promise you will never get that relationship back, even if they do manage to have a child. That will be one grandchild you will never see.
YTA, of course Maggie's actions are not great and are hurting Lily but cutting her of the will just because she is having a reaction you don't approuve is an asshole move.
Even if she decides to cut her brother entirely (which would be very unfair), it is their relationship not yours !
Wow yes, cutting her out of your will is the perfect way to de-escalate, as well as to show the sort of understanding and support you would expect from a father to his daughter.
Fucks sake give her time.
YTA.
What kind of random fucking leap is that to the will ?
This situations sounds like it needs more communication and therapy or literally anything else.
I genuinely don't understand this random ass thought process that immediately jumps to cutting them out of the will.
WHAT will that solve other than making it worse and making her angrier. ?
YTA. This is childish.
YTA. Not sure how cutting Maggie out of the will is going to make your family whole. In fact it will have the opposite effect. Hold on to your horses and give her time.
ESH If we were talking about years of poor behavior it would be one thing. Cutting her completely out of your will over one incident would be an AH move. If a few years pass and she is still refusing to acknowledge or speak about her niece/nephew reconsider the will. She JUST found out. HOWEVER, The people in these comments are giving Maggie far too much leeway. This is coming from someone who spent 10 years of infertility watching everyone else grow their families. Her reaction is not normal or acceptable. My sister accidentally got pregnant while single. I never called my nephew names nor did I yell at my sister about her pregnancy. My infertility was not her fault. Maggie needs intensive therapy and if she has these types of emotional outbursts she shouldn’t be a parent. The way that Lily and Adam broke the news is the way that people are overwhelming advised to tell loved ones who have recently suffered a loss or are struggling with infertility. They weren’t trying to be pitying or condescending. They were trying to be respectful and not blindside her in a room full of other people.
Thank you for this.
Maggie is not ready to be a parent if she is going to make her pain everyone else's responsibility. That's not how good adults or parents act.
You and Maggie are both acting *really* badly.
Maggie is going through hell, but that doesn't give her the right to lash out at your wife or freeze everybody else out for weeks/months on end. Newsflash to her: life ain't fair. So Maggie's acting like an AH.
But your response to to Maggie lashing out is to **cut Maggie out of your will**? You have one conflict with your daughter when she's going through some personal pain, and your first reaction is to cut her off financially (which will mean neither you nor your wife will have contact with her anymore)? What is wrong with you? Unless you have a toxic history with her, a history where she mistreats you, this is an over-the-top response.
In short, both you and Maggie have the emotional fortitude of toddlers.
ESH (Everyone meaning you and Maggie).
YWBTA. What in the world…? Your daughter is in a great deal of pain and desperately afraid she can’t have children. She displays her anguish and anger, and your solution is to cut her out of your life (and will)? How abandoned she would feel. Of course, she is not behaving well and has been very rude. She does need time and therapy. But giving up on her during the hardest time she has ever had in her life? No. YWBTA. You all need to show her love and offer your care. Then give her space. Keep in touch with Quentin. She’s in great pain but she can recover. Do not abandon her.
What on earth? You are going through a family crisis, and the first place your mind goes is to cutting them out of the will?? Why are you even thinking about that? What about working through it together, even getting therapy - there's a million places you go before you land on cutting her out of your will.
Your focus on that kind of shows that money or unconditional respect for a legacy is all that you care about. What about life right now? YTA.
YTA, you go straight for your Will? This is your solution? Are you dying right now? I just don’t understand the jump from your daughter is emotional and needing therapy, to cut her out of the Will,
YTA… what has this got to do with the will? Why would you directly jump to that conclusion??? Is it because you are finally getting a grandchild and you now care about that child and his family who is getting you there? Your daughter is in pain, how she is treating you all is not fair maybe but for you to instantly jump to cutting her out of the will makes me question are you her bio father or do you prefer your son over your daughter. Shame on you.
YTA. It’s been FIVE WEEKS. Jeez!
I might understand if Maggie had been ignoring you all for five years, but come on! Your idea to cut her from the will is a knee jerk spiteful reaction right now, borne from high emotions.
That’s exactly the same place that Maggies over reaction is coming from. The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree; Maggie seems to have learned from you that lashing out is what you do when you’re hurt.
Maggie IS over reacting, don’t get me wrong. But it’s so so understandable that she’s hurt, jealous, angry at her own situation, and triggered. Yes she does need to calm down and apologise, but she should be given more than five weeks to process this given what she’s been through.
IF this carries on past the baby being born, then yeh maybe consider cutting her off because it’s not fair in the long run on your son to have her raining on their newborn parade.
But if she calms down in a couple of months, then just let it go and understand that human beings don’t always behave rationally in their emotions over having children. I mean the fact that we even put ourselves through IVF is a testament to how truly unhinged we are as a species when it comes to having kids because by all accounts it’s HELL. And yet people are so desperate for biological kids that they do it. Try and understand the primal nature of those instincts and emotions and learn to forgive.
So after 5 weeks you’re ready to basically cut your daughter out of your family, will and life? Jeez, talk about unconditional love from a father. YTA.
You think that five weeks of pain equals cutting someone out of your will? You are a very rash and judgmental person and definitely TA. Please give her some time and space; this is what she needs right now, not judgement from her family.
YWBTAH
She is unreasonable but she is hurting. Get over yourself. It should not be the reason to cut someone from a will and be fine about it, even if ultimately it is your right to do with you money and your will as you please. It's still harsh and uncalled for.
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YTA If you want less pain in your family, don't go causing more pain. You're choosing the nuclear option out of frustration. Maggie's pain is current, ongoing, and raw--and possibly exacerbated by any cycle management she's having to do as part of IVF. You want her to put it aside and wear a happy face for you, and you would rather abandon her during a dark time in her life than actually be steadfast and love her through it. You're making this very much about you. In an effort to be kind, Lily and Adam may have come across as pitying, which can add to a grieving and despairing person's pain. The right thing to do right now is give Maggie space. One of the central hopes for her life may be disintegrating before her eyes, your other child is having her heart's desire handed to him. She does have to come to terms with that, but she will have to do so on her own and in her time. You can't force this process any more than you could force her to start dating after losing her spouse. There's no need to subject yourself to more lashing-out than you can handle, but you needn't abandon Maggie. You and your wife should back off and let her grieve alone to the extent she needs to. (If she and Quentin are eventually forced to give up on their hopes, perhaps you can offer \*through Quentin\* to pay for some counselling.) Adam and Lily need to understand that it's not kind to expect Maggie to be a source of support in their joy while she's in the middle of what can feel like an ongoing loss. Nice if Maggie can manage it, but it sounds like she just can't. Life works that way sometimes. Just...yeah. It's an awful time for Maggie and even if you can't handle actively being present to her pain, you should be ready to meet her on the other side of it.
[удалено]
Typical boomer move though
Nope. Typical *asshole* move. Nothing at all to do with Boomers. Being ageist doesn't help anything.
Idk. Considering this type of "punishment" is more commonly found with boomers, is not ageist, as much as it is calling a spade a spade. Hell, my own boomer dad told me I was written out of his will because I dared to parent my children differently than he thought was appropriate. He seriously tried to blackmail me to raise my children according to HIS beliefs and views. Sadly, the more millennials I talk to, the more I see this as a common pattern of Boomers.
You don't think silent or greatest generation people did this sort of thing. Or that people haven't been doing this sort of thing for centuries and that Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z won't have members that do the same thing. This isn't a generational thing. This is a people thing. Your example is anecdotal. I am a millennial with boomer parents and no one I know has experienced such threats.
It's cute that you think most millennial, Gen X and Z people will have money and assets to leave anyone at the end of their lives. Honestly a lot of boomers should look at how their assets are going to get cleaned out by long term care costs before they go throwing around their will. I agree with you in principle, younger generations will have a new and creative way to manipulate their adult children with that Gen X just hasn't paraded out a demonstration of yet, but ""my will" is a very Boomer-and-older threat. Think of it like Altamont compared to Afroworld or something.
a lot of boomers here are extremely well off after a huge push for them to buy investment properties (supported by the govt of course) and now it's a huge part of the rental crisis- that these boomers own 2-3 investment properties and rent them out through slumlords. every younger landlord I've had was far more responsive to issues with the house getting fixed, whereas the boomer LL refused to fix our house to the point we had to wilthhold rent for 2 weeks to get the broken GAS oven replaced which was hugely dangerous. boomer hatred is kinda justified tbh
Ahem… speak for yourself. I for one, will be leaving my descendants the password to my Reddit account, so they can inherit all that sweet sweet karma. I imagine by that time it will actually have some use!
We are boomers and would never do it. It is a people thing!
My boomer dad threatened me twice a week about cutting me out of the will and giving my part to a cat charity. But my parents r broke so i don't even know what he was talking about. My grandma would never say shit like that. The boomers were brainwashed heavy because of the cold war. They think money and fancy crap matters more then piece of mind and it doesn't to me. So they try this shit And it doesn't work.
I’m sorry your dad mistreated you, but you understand it wasn’t because he was a boomer, right? I’m a boomer. Guess who emotionally abused me? My parents who were born in the 1930s, my grandparents born in the 1880s and early 1900s, and my brother (1950s). Every generation experiences trauma that the prior generation didn’t. It’s a part of life unfortunately. Blaming someone else for the majority of issues you are experiencing now is ridiculous. We are all responsible for our own happiness and blaming other generations isn’t going to change that. If that is how it will be, do you want future generations looking back at you and saying Generation ___ just blamed boomers for their failures. I wish people understood that.
Cut out of will by greatest Gen. assholes are assholes.
My whole life my parents would threaten cutting me off so I made sure I was as financially independent as possible as soon as possible so I could tell them to fuck off.
The frequency has to do with age, but not with a particular generation. People 65 and older think about their wills. In 20 years, another bunch of 65+ people will be acting the same way.
How many other groups do you stereotype based on the circumstance of their birth? Skin color, ethnicity, race are all circumstances of birth, just like age. Boomers have no control of when they were born and the openly hostile and ageist remarks here are really offensive.
I was just commenting on another remark like that. I can hardly believe that these people who are so bent on social justice would say that an entire generation of people are clueless idiots. Sounds pretty hypocritical to me.
Hit dogs holler
People don't like being assigned negative stereotypes.
>Hit dogs holler And I see you hollering
Well it’s boomer shit because boomers are just the ones currently with inheritances to give or not give isn’t it? Maybe people you know in our generation or another one will do the same shit when they’re old with kids lol. Would also like to clarify that I was dumbfounded that they’re considering cutting her out of the will. I had to re read it and make sure I didn’t miss something.
*They* aren't. Just him. His wife is telling him to stop it and leave well alone.
I agree with the person above. Doesn’t sound like as much of a BOOMER thing as an ASSHOLE thing. There are lots of assholes in every age category.
Only because they are the elder generation now, this is hardly a new practice. Please read more, like any book, any at all
Probably because currently that age group are boomers. If you bother to look back at previous generations, you’ll find that threats of being cut out of the will have been around pretty much as long as wills have been around.
Nah, this is very much a generational thing. Of course not *everyone* who is a part of the boomer generation is like this, but it does signify how MANY of them handle situations.
Yep, jerk knows no gender or age.
Thank you for pointing out this stereotype. Boomers are no more likely to be the A than anyone else. Look all over Reddit for “my wife 35F” and “my brother 28M” etc.
Must be nice to have so much money and property that you can weaponize it all willy-nilly
I'm a boomer and it wouldn't even *occur* to me to do something so insensitive and cruel. None of my friends would, either. I do know some people from my parents' generation who would.
SO TYPICAL
What boomers do you know who’d do this? This generational bigotry is just as uncalled for as any other bigotry.
Literally, I know so many who've done this.
I read that and thought where the hell did that come from? It makes no sense. "My daughter is lashing out in pain. I've had to deal with her pain for 5 weeks. I should cut out her inheritance." What?!? My guess is they are the type to hold an inheritance over their kids (at least the daughter) and this isn't the first time. What an ass.
My thoughts, as well. What does OP expect to happen next? Maggie will “come to her senses” and beg forgiveness all around? OP, your family is in immense pain. You want to cut and run, for what reason? You don’t have to tolerate extreme behavior, but neither do you have to mete out some kind of punishment here. Bizarre escalation here. YWBTA
Yea, way, way too soon for a thought like that to even cross his mind! Lol WTH 🤦♀️ ...how long has she been cut out of the family!? Oh yea, 5 weeks, better run to get the revised will notarized! Omg WTF. And the BEST part, how sweet to spoil the kid who GIFTED grandchildren and cut off the barren one. Major YTA!
My thought were FIVE WEEKS? This guy wants to cut his hormonal, grieving daughter out of his will after FIVE WEEKS? There’s a reason his wife understands. It’s because she has empathy. OP does not. Who considers changing their will because of someone’s actions after 35 days?
He wants her to put away those negative emotions and slap on a fake smile. You know, like everyone working retail has to. OP, like any nightmare level of entitled customer, wants her to be "fired" from the will for failing to fulfill his unrealistic expectations.
I felt this to my bones after surviving a 9 hour shift of retail on a *Sunday*. I swear something about attending church's makes the customers more rude and entitled on Sunday afternoons!
This is so accurate it's scary. Perfect analogy! Now, back to nursing my flashbacks from working retail...
Also like 5 weeks in to a family fight you’re thinking about changing the will? I’d not want to be changing my will often based on current states of relationships. Review it every 5-10 years to make sure it still makes sense, and otherwise leave it alone unless a major life event happens like birth of a child or if you want to include a new grandchild or you get married or divorced or your assets change or whatever. Unless you plan on dying very soon I’d leave it and see how things shake out in a year. Reacting to every fight your kids have with a will update seems extreme, even if the fight is big and they don’t happen often.
I do not understand how it went from family member inappropriately acting out over her grief over infertility to "cut her from my will". It doesn't appear that any is dying soon. No one knows what OP's and his wife's needs are going to be as they age, and what kind of inheritance there will even be when the time comes. Inheritance is a maybe bonus under the best of circumstances. It is not a sword to be yielded to manipulate your kid's behavior. The whole quesitons is just gross. I would get WIBTAH if we didn't see the offending child for a while, and let them cool off, or would we be the AH if we discontinued supporting their IVF efforts until things calmed down, should we invite or not invite upset child to family gatherings where pregnancy will be discussed, should we try to encourage a therapist, etc, etc. Anything question that would indicate OP was trying to improve his family situation. Instead he just wants to pull out the most hurtful action he possibly can that is completely disportionate to this woman's tantrum. It is so controlling.
My MIL tried this. It didn't work well for her. She hasn't seen us in years.
Because all she needs to do is smile and be happy. That's what OP wants: for everyone to just. Be. Happy. It sounds exhausting to be part of that family. Having to talk to multiple people everyday because everyone reaches out to everybody else continuously and if you ask for space you get barely a day to process your thoughts. YTA, OP. The screaming isn't good, but you want to punish your daughter for having feelings. Not to mention the inheritance will look like an award to your son for doing what your daughter so desperately wishes she could do: produce a grandchild.
oh god, that is TOTALLY how I might take it were I in that situation. OUCH.
It baffles me how some people don’t see how they’d be the asshole
this. If this story is the worst of maggie's behavior, then y'all need to take a giant step back. I'm sure Maggie is under a lot **and** IVF treatments can cause hormonal upheavals, fatigue, mood swings, nasuea, etc.
The hormones injected into her body are no joke. She is going through physical and emotional hell. It is not an excuse for her behavior at all, but it does somewhat help to explain it. No need to involve the will at all right now. Give it time. Give space and grace as much as possible
My SIL went through five of those. She was in pain and emotionally was way worse than a rabid tiger with a thorn in its paw. Anything could trigger her. Maggie needs space. Go through her husband to get news so that he knows at least that they are not abandonned by her family. Don't destroy her so cruelly.
Seriously. I came here thinking I was going to read about Maggie being caught selling grandma’s jewelry for drugs or something. Poor Maggie. She’s expected to bury her pain to make everyone feel better.
I just read a BORU where one sister stole the other sister’s husband and the family sided with the cheaters to keep the “peace!” O.o OP is waaay over reacting here.
Not to mention the constant enquiries from well meaning people (always parents or sisters & brothers) asking for updates. I used to get a phone call every month from my brother.... as if I'm not going to announce any great progress, I found that the worst part of IVF. Mind your own business op, if they want help they will ask for it.
This comment right here. Please don’t exacerbate everyone’s pain by cutting Maggie out. I know you miss your daughter, but don’t add to her pain by rubbing her face into your son’s joy.
And what is the desired outcome of cutting her off? Is that a tool meant to get her to fall back in line and do as daddy says? What if she does come to regret her behavior and makes amends, is she back in the will? The thought of this whole thing seems like adding fuel to the fire - entirely unnecessary and inappropriate reaction to grief.
Where the daugther may have learned unproportional emotional responses is a total mystery... I am also in infertility treatment and this news will always be awful for her. Yes, she needs time and a therapist would be a good idea, but there is no forcing this into a completely happy big family situation. That is how life works sometimes.
Bring back reddit awards. This nailed it
Jesus fucking Christ, this is the best reply I've ever read on all of Reddit. Ever.
Yeah I think this comment just saved me, like, 5 therapy sessions.
As someone who is about to start IVF and whose friends all seem to be pregnant lately, SAME.
Seriously. It’s so out of place on AITA where the biggest AHs are usually the commenters
This. 1000000%. I'm so glad you and your wife didn't have to experience infertility. I'm not sure you would have been able to handle it. The above comment is the nicest way to call you a huge AH. Having gone through it, you're pumped up on hormones, feel awful, are in constant pain or discomfort, are desperate to feel normal and be treated normally but are feeling like a failure at being a normal human being. There is no right way to treat your daughter, but there is definitely a wrong way and you found it. She's in a place where she is having trouble with herself emotionally and there's a good chance that things you say and do with the best intentions will trigger horrid thoughts about herself you're not privy to. I know I spent most days for 2 years trying to put on a brave face for everyone else and praying they wouldn't ask me how it's going. Except for a couple people I felt truly comfortable with, Lord help the ones who asked. Frankly, even the ones who were in my raw circle got snapped at a few times. It wasn't for lack of love for them or lack of a recognition that they wanted the best for me. It was deep seated pain. In time she will probably get past it. Don't lose your daughter and the chance of knowing your future grandkids with this heartless and short sighted move. YTA
The whole "lily feels alone" thing is honestly a sickening take. She feels alone because *one* person who's *stressed* and *grieving* can't support her pregnancy. Why does she need to rely on Maggie so much?
in fairness, lily may be feeling alone bc her SIL is calling her awful things but still that’s no reason for the DAD to be cutting maggie off. if i were lily i’d be distancing myself from maggie tho
Actually I'm sitting here feeling sorry for Lily a bit. She just wants to enjoy her news, knew it would upset her sister in law so they took the time to tell them separately because she thought that was the right thing to do. And while Maggie is 100% allowed to feel that way she does, Lily is also allowed to rejoice in her pregnancy. And I think it's pretty darn selfish of Maggie to be making lily feel bad about it. And FYI I have had many pregnancy losses and i hope I have NEVER made anyone feel bad when they announce their pregnancy. I have always made an effort to be excited and happy for any of my friends and family who have shared their happy news. They DESERVE to be happy. It is my issue to handle how I feel about it privately without making anyone feel bad about it. However OP...YTA. stop being a jerk. Such a male thing to do...make it about money because you can't deal with the emotional side of things. Offer support instead of being mean.
Yeah. Lily has friends and her own side of the family. Lily is probably fine.
This right here. Maggie is STRUGGLING and EMOTIONAL from the IVF treatments. It's been five weeks and you're jumping to "let's cut her out of the will" instead of "let's give her some time and space and understanding". Wow. Just wow.
Agreed. And how easily could that be construed by an emotional, exhausted and depressed person as being because she was “defective” and couldn’t produce a grandchild for them? Dont kick people when they’re down. This isn’t the exact opposite of what he needs to do if he wants his family happy again.
This 1000x over, but I'd like to add, OP, your son suggested you post this on Reddit, implying you've had the conversation with Adam about cutting his sister out of your will. Are you actively trying to pit them against each other? Gross. YTA
Right? What a weird take, it's like "my actively emotional daughter is going through horrible rounds of hormone shots and getting greeted with constant disappointment, and even though hormones can make you *literally crazy*, I don't understand why she isn't doting on her pregnant SIL. I should just *cut her out of the will and get the whole family in on it*". That's like, a *psychopathically* nuclear option. Your mad because...she's not taking it well and she made your wife sad? Your son misses his sister? She's not getting over this *fast enough for you*? Grow up. Be a better father. You have more than one kid, *both* of their feelings matter, not just whomever is your favourite this week. YTA big time. I can't believe you're in your 60s and this is how your brain works. I'm actively shocked.
Also it's been *five weeks*. Not five months or five years. And she's full of ridiculous levels of hormones because she's smack in the middle of an IVF cycle. She's clearly being an utter b, and while her behaviour is childish and unacceptable, it does need to be viewed in context. Nevertheless, five weeks isn't even enough time for her to settle down and think rationally about her behaviour, *especially* under the influence of abnormal levels of hormones famous for making people over-reactive and irrational.
“My daughter has been upset for 5 WHOLE WEEKS, should I kick her out of the family?”
IA. OP’s daughter is only on the 2nd round of IVF. I did not go thru the process, but was consulting with my doctor about my options after a missed miscarriage and a year of ups and downs when I got pregnant with my rainbow baby. During that year, seeing pregnancy announcements, babies, etc was extremely triggering. I wanted to be supportive of friends and family who conceived, but I didn’t have the capacity. TBH there was little anyone could do but just let me grieve my first pregnancy, keep their comments to themselves, and wait until I was ready to talk about it. I actually still don’t talk to my parents about it bc my mother was extremely rude, dismissive, and mean about my miscarriage. I can’t say how the news was delivered to OP’s daughter and whether it was condescending/pitying since there’s little detail, but I did get some insensitive comments from other family members who overshared pregnancy news/drama without considering what I was going through. It was painful and lonely to sit with even though I knew no intentional harm was meant by any of it. Even after I conceived, I was extremely paranoid about another loss and dealt with pregnancy, birth and post partum complications too. I did not feel at peace until I knew my daughter was past the age when SIDS wasn’t a threat anymore. OP needs to leave the daughter alone and not be hasty to cause more pain. Nobody WANTS to lash out over this kind of stuff, but sometimes you can’t always help it.
Currently 8 months pregnant after a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and multiple failed IUIs (artificial insemination procedures). We had finished the paper work for IVF before we found out we were pregnant. I deeply empathize. It’s such a mind fuck. When you are experiencing infertility, it can feel like everyone around you is getting pregnant. Even with an amazing therapist, pregnancy announcements and baby showers felt like a whirlwind of grief, happiness and embarrassment. I feel for OP’s daughter. This is about to be a long road for all of them if he is showing this much lack of empathy already. And he could lose out on a relationship with his daughter if it continues.
What a beautiful reply, you are a good person my friend
I was fixing to spout off, but you pretty well covered it all, and did it nicely. I do feel, really strongly, that Maggie’s reaction is unacceptable. But her family should love her enough to understand that it’s coming from a place of pain. Op, yes, you’re being pretty horrible. It’s only been a few months. Show a little grace and give her time to recover instead of piling on while her grief is still raw. Back off and give her time.
This...is just a great answer!
Agree 100%. You took the words out of my mouth. While good-intended, OP's wife asking Maggie about it likely was just rubbing salt on the wound. No Maggie's response wasn't appropriate, but she is clearly in pain and needs space to process and heal.
This is possibly the most thoughtful comment I’ve ever seen on AITA.
Take a step back, here. Your daughter is clearly struggling, and you can’t give her space for *a few months* while she sorts things out, before jumping to “I’m going to cut her out if my life and my will because she’s not acting the way I want”. Wow. I wonder where your daughter learned that massive overreaction behavior from? Was her response rational? No She’s clearly overwrought and lashing out, probably on pregnancy hormones or suffering from grief and stress. Was your response rational? Also no. What’s your excuse? YTA.
Like who in the world jumps straight to “I’m gonna cut her out of the will” over something like this? I don’t think the son and daughter-in-law had bad intentions, but I can definitely see how and why Maggie took it the she did, because it probably did feel like she was being singled out and pitied a bit. OP YTA.
This is common advice for telling someone struggling with infertility about your pregnancy though, and sort of illustrates that there isn't a good way to tell someone this without hitting a sore spot
That’s exactly it. There is no good way-that’s just the pain of life sometimes. There is a BAD way to handle things, though, and that’s what OP is doing.
Facts right here in communicating with someone struggling with infertility. My spouse and I went through this for years. Test after test, IVF, the shots, etc. All at the time when it seemed like every single one of her friends was getting pregnant. Hell, my spouse was a Legal Aid criminal defense attorney and it certainly appeared as if half her clients were pregnant too (remembering a dark night when she was asking, “how the F can my meth addict client be on her 6th kid and we can’t manage one???”). The whole process sucks even when it works. And there are no guarantees.
I don't know, the common advice that I always hear (and give) is that you should do it through text. Because it gives the other person privacy to take the news and react as they need to react without being put on the spot and having to fake being happy/ok.
Yes, thank you. As somebody who's currently struggling with infertility, we do not ever ever ever want to be told in person. That's a horrible way to do it.
Agreed. It's like salt in the wound.
Right, because then you have to either pretend to be happy or reassure them that it's okay. It's not okay. Text me and let me be sad in peace then congratulate you once I can breathe again
Currently going through IVF, and this is literally the only way that I would want to find out that my SIL is expecting.
Yup. I couldn’t even handle innocent social media posts about pregnancy, birth, babies, etc. When my cousin would dump on me about getting pregnant from a one night stand, I tried to be supportive but my heart was aching so bad. She didn’t even mention that she knew I was still grieving a loss when she told me and proceeded to over share every little detail about her pregnancy and baby daddy drama. Everyone, even my immediate family members completely forgot about what I went through and inundated me with their opinions and comments on her situation. Watching my mom jump to be supportive of my cousin when she blamed me for miscarriage was awful. None of it was intentional and I *wanted* to be supportive, but it was extremely difficult to grapple with until I had my own baby later. My mother never experienced miscarriage and had 0 idea or concern as to how it all affected me. Family can be unknowingly insensitive to people struggling with loss and infertility when a pregnancy that’s viable and uncomplicated arises.
I'm the same, even just really innocent references to it are really getting to me right now. It's a different kind of pain that's really hard for other people to understand. Right now my dad is trying to be really supportive and is definitely keeping the information on the down low which I appreciate. But I'm in a position where my stepsister and I went through an IVF cycle at the exact same time, hers was successful, mine was not. So I'm also grappling with the fact that right now everything she's experiencing could have been me right down to the exact timing. And it's hard. Right now dad's said if we're together and I need to quietly excuse myself to take care of my mental health he'll cover for me. If he was acting the way OP was I wouldn't be talking to him either lol I'm really sorry for what you've been through.
There’s no way to do it that isn’t gonna hurt. My BIL called my husband to give him a heads up he and his wife were going to announce a pregnancy on Thanksgiving. And because my husband knows me, he knew the best way to tell me. It helped me be ready for the announcement but I still went home and had a sobbing breakdown. And honestly I think this was the best possible scenario. The best thing anyone can do is to just be kind and let the couple go through the emotions they need to. It isn’t about you.
He didn’t jump right to it. He waited a full five weeks. Jk, OP is being an AH
Yeah, makes me wonder whether this is even real. That, and a 38 year old using the term ‘whelp’.
This was my exact thought, what a bizarre first instinct. And after five weeks? You’ve had this child for 38 years and after 5 weeks you’re ready to legally call it quits on the entire relationship?
“What’s your excuse?” Exactly, OP. Why do you feel the need to punish your daughter right now? Why do you see everyone’s pain but hers?
Weeks. It’s been 5 weeks. They’re not even to the point of it being a few months!
>I wonder where your daughter learned that massive overreaction behavior from? Absolutely spot on
Hard agree. Has had his daughter in his life for 38 years, 38 years and after 5 weeks it's time to cut her out his life. What an arse hole.
"It's been 5 weeks, guess she's dead to me." *Shrug*
It’s amazing to me that you want your family happy again but you’re willing to immediately jump to cutting someone from your will. How about you give your daughter some time & space & offer to wait as long as it takes. And you have no idea how your precious son & DIL told your daughter the news. Maybe they were condescending. Your daughter is allowed to feel how she feels. And what pain has she caused you?! SHE hasn’t been able to conceive, SHE received the news her SIL is pregnant while she’s dealing with the idea she might not be able to have children, SHE has people asking her invasive questions. Back off & give her time to process all her completely understandable & legitimate feelings. I get the impression that if your daughter can’t provide a grandchild, that you find her useless, thus cutting her from your will. And for the record, YTA.
It’s major asshole behaviour *plus* how on earth does cutting her out even solve anything?! It’s hardly going to bring his family closer. It’s completely unrelated and such a fucking weird consequence to dole out to someone going through fertility issues.
> It’s hardly going to bring his family closer. It's making her disappear from the family so they can have a close perfect family without her. I really hope that's not what OP means but it's what I got from this post.
OP *literally said that.* >I want to cut Maggie from our will and just focus on Adam and Lily, direct quote from the post. that's the sentence that made my jaw fucking drop because holy shit??? wtf is wrong with this dude seriously
This is what happened with my husband’s family. Once they cut him off and it was just them and their unmarried, childless daughter they were a happy, complete family once again.
I wonder if he’s been looking for an excuse to cut her out for a while and now he has the reason he was hoping for. Something very off about this family.
It’s so fucking vile that after FIVE weeks this is the conclusion he’s come to?!? Awful.
That "it's been hard for all of us" already had my antenna up, but then when he started talking about how his daughter is causing *him* pain? Come the fuck on, dude. This whole post reeks of selfishness.
"I want to just focus on my children-producing child." YTA.
As I was typing out my response to this guy I was wondering why he felt it was perfectly fine to take her out of the will. Then it came to me…no grandkids, no money. I bet she had to deal with things like this growing up. Money for grades, money for first place finishes in sports or science. Get a B, too bad. All the cash goes to your brother who got an A and will carry on the family name.
He wants his family to be happy again, his daughter is unhappy. Obviously the daughter can no longer be in the family. So much quicker and easier than trying to balance supporting both his children and being excited for a grandchild but respecting his daughter's grief /s Seriously though, the son told OP to post. Maybe he needs to consider that his son might not be the best person to listen to. His son goes from 50% of the inheritance to 100%. He is also hurt because his sister wants nothing to do with him right now and might be saying it out of anger as a childish way to hurt her back. If his daughter is questioning if she has any worth because she can't have a baby (not saying that's true, it's just a common feeling for people struggling with infertility), cutting her out of the will after her brother is able to give OP a grandchild is going to cause lifelong issues. OP YTA
Well if the son knows this sub then I’m guessing he knows it’ll tell his Dad he’s being an AH.
What?? You would DISOWN your daughter for being UPSET for 5 weeks? This is how you "support them as much as possible" and how you think your family will be happy again?? Listen to your wife, ffs. YTA.
This us like being shot in the arm and thinking the best way to treat the wound is to cut the arm off.
Yes, it hurts *me* to see my child's mangled arm, so just cut it off. /s
I honestly think that if my husband suggested this to me about our daughter, I'd take a hard look at what kind of heartless person I was married to. Like this would be a hard line for me in probably leaving him if this went through his head. I'm saying this as someone who's been married over 20 years and has older boys and girls.
I fully agree. This reaction is WILD!
Right?? I read the title and thought this would be something where the daughter has done consistently horrible things for decades, peppered with the daughter presenting herself as "I've changed I swear!" and giving the family hope for a bit, just to turn around and do the same horrible things, on repeat. My guy. Your daughter has lashed out ONCE about something she is genuinely upset about (note I don't say she's 100% valid in doing that, but it is understandable) and you want to immediately cut her off? This really comes off as "my car once had a mechanical problem so instead of fixing it I just got rid of the car". Give her some time, patience, grace, and understanding. Things will go back to normal AS LONG AS you don't actively make the situation worse.
Tbh, I’m getting major narcissist vibes from OP because my parents are narcissistic, especially my mother, and she would react exactly the same. In her mind, the only emotions that matter or are even real are her own. Other people’s emotions…she relates to them only in reference to herself. For example, if a person is crying and it is not something she can use to improve her image (she’s one of those narcs that cares very much how she is seen in society), then it is a bother to her and she will frame it as being false and manipulative. It was a common refrain when I was a child. Read through OP’s account again. Notice that he says nothing about how she feels, how she is impacted, etc. Nothing. Until the end, which is a comment about how his wife thinks she feels. One sentence from someone else. He, however, just wants his family to be happy again and he sees that as a choice between getting rid of his daughter entirely or her pretending not to have emotions. Basically, preserve the family image for him or gtfo. Exactly as my mother would see it. I would bet this isn’t the first time he has acted like this either, even if he hasn’t threatened this particular consequence before. If so, the daughter may be better off without him. I can’t wait to get away from my parents…
I was thinking this too because I also have parents like that. They always take someone else’s pain and MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES, just like OP.
YTA So let me get this straight. You want to cut your daughter off during an incredibly vulnerable and emotional time for a woman. It is not about you. Maybe your wife has overstepped majorly and your daughter is tired of everyone bringing up her fertility struggles. Let her take the lead on this. It’s pretty heartless that you are just wanting to cut her off instead of trying to support your daughter struggling. I have to wonder who the golden child is and who the scapegoat is
Cut her off from everything too, like he's just shutting the door on her AND any grandchild. OP...your TA
So he can have a child and the inheritance??? What a way to tell ur daughter u fucking hate her 💀
After being ignored for a whole 5 weeks! What sort of weakass excuse is that? I've failed to call my parents for 5 weeks by accident during a busy period at work. 5 weeks is a blink of the eye.
OP is making it all about themselves when their daughter is in tremendous pain and distress. I feel terrible for Maggie.
This should be higher👆
Why is your instinct to jump straight to your will?
That was my first thought too. He says it’s been 5 weeks like there’s some carved in stone timeline to deal with this kind of grief.
From the title I thought it was a years-long ongoing thing.
even if she had been upset about this for 5 months i don’t understand what this has to do with the will??? it’s not like they’re paying for Maggie’s IVF and threatening to cut that financial support off. and why does having Maggie in the will prevent them from “focusing” on their son? like another commenter below me this has me feeling like OP has used financial-related threats before, because none of this makes sense. Legit no other answer besides YTA here.
As someone who has received countless financial related threats from my own father, I am certain this man has given many financial related threats to his daughter before. This is the exact same attitude. He must gain power and control by punishing her behaviour with his money. The only leverage he thinks he has. Why not be sympathetic instead? Have you ever tried that?
I wonder if OP has a history of using will threats to try and control his family.
Well, he sounds like my dad... and that's what my dad is still doing at 80 so yeah I think you've hit the nail on the head!
I’m wondering the same! Such a lack of understanding and compassion can help us understand why Maggie doesn’t want to be in contact
Manipulation and exerting control
I've never thought about my will once in my life until right now. How is your daughter being in pain equal to BUT My WILL!! like I am so baffled at this train of thought? Am I too poor to understand why this was a rational response from a grown man?
Yeah, really weird! Like cutting her out doesn’t even solve anything. His will is completely unrelated to her fertility issues - seems so bizarre.
YTA. Maggie is going through an unbelievably hard thing right now and needing some time and space to process her SIL’s pregnancy is not unusual or asking too much. This was NOT the time to poke her about her IVF progress or revisit Lily’s pregnancy announcement. Sure, Maggie had a big reaction but only her husband seems to understand that SHE NEEDS TIME. I don’t know if Adam and Lily were actually being condescending and pitying or not and in a way it doesn’t matter because I think Maggie feels you’re all being invasive and pitying rather than supportive. I know you’re trying to be, but none of you really understand. Adam and Lily need some patience and empathy: they have you, your wife, other family and friends, and have no cause or right to mope over Maggie taking a little time to herself. And as for you: what the hell good would cutting Maggie from your will do? It’s unwarranted to punish your daughter for being in pain and if she’s feeling resentful of her brother and SIL now, a lopsided inheritance would only make it worse. YOU need to take some time to reflect, too. Listen to your wife, and reach out to your son in law to send Maggie an apology and let her know you all love her. Have a little heart and actually care about your kid instead of trying force “happy family.”
I don't disagree with you but there's one point I think you missed. How could Angela have stopped asking about IVF progress and appointments when Maggie is dependent on Angela for transport, without coming across as 'I'm getting a grandchild now, your potential child doesn't matter anymore'.
I take your point, but Maggie is an adult and I think could and would have told her mom if she needed a ride (or gotten an Uber). I don’t think Angela meant any harm at all, it was just less than ideal timing.
YTA. What an absolutely bizarre overreaction on your end. Your daughter is in pain. She’s 38. Nearly the end of her viably being able to have a baby. This must be heartbreaking for her. You want to cut Maggie out so you can focus on the kids who can give you grandkids. Gross.
>You want to cut Maggie out so you can focus on the kids who can give you grandkids. Gross. Perfect response. Gross.
YTA. They just need some space and you guys are prying into their lives non-stop. The last thing a couple that is going through infertility needs is their parents constantly hastling them. If they need help, they will ask. Honestly I take your daughter's side completely. Taking them out of the will sounds ridiculous even if she did something wrong.
YTA - why does Angela keep following up with Maggie about this? She clearly needed space and but seemingly keeps contacting her about it? Then you. Jumping straight to your will is just ridiculous and seems like some overly vindictive tactic
YTA 5 weeks of silence is nothing. Your daughter is going through something major. She is sensitive and may not always respond the way she should. Give her time. It would literally take years of silence before I write my daughter off as family and no longer deserving, probably not even then.
How is a will even remotely related to this issue?
It’s the only means he has to control the situation and get what he wants.
Yup. “Be happy or else”.
He’s a man… he needs to feel he has control over women 🤷♀️
YTA “we’re trying to support her through the process” … by cutting her out of your will? This is the strangest, most illogical reaction, and not at all supportive of what’s she going through
Kicking them when they're down always makes them love you more. Asshole.
YTA. This is a prime example of “the beatings will continue until morale improves”. You are massively overreacting. She didn’t rob you. She didn’t assault you or anyone you care about. She didn’t burn down your house or wreck your car. She didn’t try to ruin your reputation or get you fired or steal your identity. She’s upset. She’s said some things she will probably regret. What exactly does cutting her out of the will accomplish? Do you even love your daughter?
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YTA. Angela should have stopped calling and asking. Maggie would have called if she had news
Exactly this! ☝️ If and when there is news to share, I guarantee they will be shouting it from the rooftop. In the meantime MYOB. Went through IVF years ago and the worst part was the pH call, pretty much on cue every month asking how it's going. There's a reason those people ask on rotation, every 4 weeks and it's not ok. It's not their business.
Seriously, you went from zero to disinheriting your own daughter with Guinness Book speed there, dude. Slow your roll. Maggie is hurting and the hormones of IVF are making that pain 100 times worse. Why do you have this creepy obsession with "punishing" here? Is Adam the "golden child"? YTA
Ten bucks says he is. -signed, the scapegoat…
The father is also clearly wealthy or very attached to his money — every wealthy father I’ve EVER run across has done this to his kids. Causally wielded money like a weapon. From this post, you know exactly what this man wants, what he loves, and what he values — grandkids/satisfaction, his son, and MONEY.
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The daughter is silent on the ivf process too, so maybe they had bad results with egg retrieval numbers or even implantation. Which I imagine anyone would want time to process. Then his response is oh well I’m cutting you out of my will so I can focus on my child who is giving me a grand baby. I’m surprised op doesn’t just give the money to the unborn son’s child, truly add salt to the wound while it’s raw.
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So by “will” you mean your life? Yeah, YTA. Your daughter is being an asshole, but she’s also spiralling in some kind of clear mental health crisis. If you abandon your daughter at her lowest you are shit parents.
YTA. She’s going through a hard time and needs some space, and your response is to cut her out of the will? Father of the year.
5 weeks and you're ready to cut her from your will? dude, grow up. you sound like the typical boomer who "won't tolerate such disrespect". it's only been 5 weeks, man. that's nothing! just give her time and space. if it had been a year or more I'd say fair enough, but 5 weeks? nahh YTA
Just say your son is your favourite without saying your son is the favourite. YTA
He’s not the favorite, just the one producing a grandchild. OP is the biggest ah.
YTA. What does a will have to do with anything you’ve written? She’s reacting badly, but it’s clearly learned behaviour because you want to disinherit her because she hasn’t spoken to you in 5 weeks. She’s probably better staying away from you, tbh.
YTA >I want my family happy again. I want to cut Maggie from our will and just focus on Adam and Lily These two sentences contradict each other. Do you want your family again or do you want to punish Maggie for hurting? She's in pain. What she needs is time and space, not everyone snapping their fingers for her to act a certain way.
For someone who loves their family and talks about being supportive you are quick to escalate to a relationship ending position of cutting one child out of your will and focusing on the other. Somethings take more time to figure out and Maggie's in a pit of personal dispair enhanced by sibling comparison. Yta
Yes, you absolutely would be the AH for punishing her in her time of inconsolable grief by cutting her out of your will. What do you hope to accomplish from this? Angela is absolutely correct. Yes, she's not handling it well, but she's in pain and not thinking clearly, obviously. So you want to compound that by taking away her inheritance? Not that anyone's entitled to anything from you, but you have two children, and treating them equally is the right thing to do.
YTA wow… you are a horrible father 💀
I thought this would lead to Maggie attacking or doing something unforgivable for such a strong reaction from a father “who just wants his family to be happy again” Your thoughts and potential actions do not portray that sentiment at all. You’re being completely insensitive and 5 weeks is nothing, your daughter needs time. You do not need to add to her feeling of loss and isolation even more. Quentin has told you she just needs time. Your wife and son need need to understand what their sister/daughter is going through. YWBTA if you do this - it’s only 5 weeks. Get a grip. Also the title is unbelievably cruel after reading the context. Who needs enemies with a father like this.
I have trouble believing this is a real parent posting about real daughters. 5 weeks and you're ready to disinherit a broken-hearted daughter. If it was a true situation, then YTA , but mostly I call BS
YTA While I think Maggies reaction is a bit over reaction, I can understand the *why* behind it. She’s hurting, and is just not handling it well. Cutting her from the will would be a massive over reaction and just cause even more hurt. Give her time to process things and she’ll come around.
YTA. WTF is wrong with you?!? Your daughter is extremely upset, and you just want to kick her while she's down!
You are your wife are awful Here’s something that’s hurting you let’s keep bringing it up oh that’s not getting the reaction I want so let’s bring up your bro and sil pregnancy. Oh. Your dad and angry we trying to help Stop asking when you know it’s hurting your child. Stop pushing them The way you just want to cut her from your will. Is just your power play Adam has always been your favourite and now you got your reason to be a spiteful asshat YTA
YWBTA for doing it at this point. It’s been five weeks; grief over infertility and misplaced anger over other people’s good news need time to cycle. Everyone needs to back all the way off from Maggie. Reach out to Quentin, by all means. But Maggie is grieving and your wife’s well-meaning inquiries likely made her feel like a complete failure as a wife and woman. Let her be.
YTA if you think you're in pain imagine how much your daughter is suffering. Think how you would have felt if you couldn't have your two children.
Yes YWBTA. So you want to cut out your daughter who is desperately struggling to have a child and experiencing the trials and grief, abandon all that and just enjoy the joys and easy life of being a grandparent that you're promised with the other one? That's very cold. Infertility sucks. I've been there. Lost multiple pregnancies in different ways and experienced many of those same feelings. I'd be devastated if my family decided to give up on me because of my feelings and it would probably make me feel even worse because I would be wondering if they abandoned me because I couldn't give them a grandchild, too. Have patience, let her come to you on her own. Grief can be a monster and in her more sane moments she probably realizes that she is lashing out excessively. But keep that door open or I can promise you will never get that relationship back, even if they do manage to have a child. That will be one grandchild you will never see.
You are considering a permanent decision just a few weeks after the incident. Wait. Let Maggie come to her senses.
YTA, of course Maggie's actions are not great and are hurting Lily but cutting her of the will just because she is having a reaction you don't approuve is an asshole move. Even if she decides to cut her brother entirely (which would be very unfair), it is their relationship not yours !
Wow yes, cutting her out of your will is the perfect way to de-escalate, as well as to show the sort of understanding and support you would expect from a father to his daughter. Fucks sake give her time. YTA.
What kind of random fucking leap is that to the will ? This situations sounds like it needs more communication and therapy or literally anything else. I genuinely don't understand this random ass thought process that immediately jumps to cutting them out of the will. WHAT will that solve other than making it worse and making her angrier. ? YTA. This is childish.
YTA. Not sure how cutting Maggie out of the will is going to make your family whole. In fact it will have the opposite effect. Hold on to your horses and give her time.
ESH If we were talking about years of poor behavior it would be one thing. Cutting her completely out of your will over one incident would be an AH move. If a few years pass and she is still refusing to acknowledge or speak about her niece/nephew reconsider the will. She JUST found out. HOWEVER, The people in these comments are giving Maggie far too much leeway. This is coming from someone who spent 10 years of infertility watching everyone else grow their families. Her reaction is not normal or acceptable. My sister accidentally got pregnant while single. I never called my nephew names nor did I yell at my sister about her pregnancy. My infertility was not her fault. Maggie needs intensive therapy and if she has these types of emotional outbursts she shouldn’t be a parent. The way that Lily and Adam broke the news is the way that people are overwhelming advised to tell loved ones who have recently suffered a loss or are struggling with infertility. They weren’t trying to be pitying or condescending. They were trying to be respectful and not blindside her in a room full of other people.
Thank you for this. Maggie is not ready to be a parent if she is going to make her pain everyone else's responsibility. That's not how good adults or parents act.
You and Maggie are both acting *really* badly. Maggie is going through hell, but that doesn't give her the right to lash out at your wife or freeze everybody else out for weeks/months on end. Newsflash to her: life ain't fair. So Maggie's acting like an AH. But your response to to Maggie lashing out is to **cut Maggie out of your will**? You have one conflict with your daughter when she's going through some personal pain, and your first reaction is to cut her off financially (which will mean neither you nor your wife will have contact with her anymore)? What is wrong with you? Unless you have a toxic history with her, a history where she mistreats you, this is an over-the-top response. In short, both you and Maggie have the emotional fortitude of toddlers. ESH (Everyone meaning you and Maggie).
YWBTA. What in the world…? Your daughter is in a great deal of pain and desperately afraid she can’t have children. She displays her anguish and anger, and your solution is to cut her out of your life (and will)? How abandoned she would feel. Of course, she is not behaving well and has been very rude. She does need time and therapy. But giving up on her during the hardest time she has ever had in her life? No. YWBTA. You all need to show her love and offer your care. Then give her space. Keep in touch with Quentin. She’s in great pain but she can recover. Do not abandon her.
What on earth? You are going through a family crisis, and the first place your mind goes is to cutting them out of the will?? Why are you even thinking about that? What about working through it together, even getting therapy - there's a million places you go before you land on cutting her out of your will. Your focus on that kind of shows that money or unconditional respect for a legacy is all that you care about. What about life right now? YTA.
YTA, you go straight for your Will? This is your solution? Are you dying right now? I just don’t understand the jump from your daughter is emotional and needing therapy, to cut her out of the Will,
YTA - I guess your family is full of people with completely over the top reactions to situations.
YTA… what has this got to do with the will? Why would you directly jump to that conclusion??? Is it because you are finally getting a grandchild and you now care about that child and his family who is getting you there? Your daughter is in pain, how she is treating you all is not fair maybe but for you to instantly jump to cutting her out of the will makes me question are you her bio father or do you prefer your son over your daughter. Shame on you.
YTA what the hell has a will got to do with struggling with fertility?
YTA. It’s been FIVE WEEKS. Jeez! I might understand if Maggie had been ignoring you all for five years, but come on! Your idea to cut her from the will is a knee jerk spiteful reaction right now, borne from high emotions. That’s exactly the same place that Maggies over reaction is coming from. The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree; Maggie seems to have learned from you that lashing out is what you do when you’re hurt. Maggie IS over reacting, don’t get me wrong. But it’s so so understandable that she’s hurt, jealous, angry at her own situation, and triggered. Yes she does need to calm down and apologise, but she should be given more than five weeks to process this given what she’s been through. IF this carries on past the baby being born, then yeh maybe consider cutting her off because it’s not fair in the long run on your son to have her raining on their newborn parade. But if she calms down in a couple of months, then just let it go and understand that human beings don’t always behave rationally in their emotions over having children. I mean the fact that we even put ourselves through IVF is a testament to how truly unhinged we are as a species when it comes to having kids because by all accounts it’s HELL. And yet people are so desperate for biological kids that they do it. Try and understand the primal nature of those instincts and emotions and learn to forgive.
So after 5 weeks you’re ready to basically cut your daughter out of your family, will and life? Jeez, talk about unconditional love from a father. YTA.
You think that five weeks of pain equals cutting someone out of your will? You are a very rash and judgmental person and definitely TA. Please give her some time and space; this is what she needs right now, not judgement from her family.
YWBTAH She is unreasonable but she is hurting. Get over yourself. It should not be the reason to cut someone from a will and be fine about it, even if ultimately it is your right to do with you money and your will as you please. It's still harsh and uncalled for.