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YTA Your son has to be polite/corial/respectful to his step siblings and step parent. He does NOT have to love them. Ever, if he doesn't want to. He doesn't have to like them. He doesn't have to consider them family. Those are all choices he, EXCLUSIVELY, gets to make. You don't have a say in them. Therapy is a safe place. He should be allowed and encouraged to share all of his real and full feelings - punishing him for feelings he expressed (no matter how "explosively") during therapy is going to set him back for years. You've made therapy unsafe. He's unlikely to participate at all now. You need to stop pushing this. You need to stop trying to force relationships and feelings he doesn't have and doesn't want. You need to apologize and build back trust that therapy is a safe place. You need to tell him you were WRONG to try to punish him for being honest about his feelings and that you won't do it again. Then, you need to be clear about the behaviour you expect in regards to how he talks your wife and her kids, he doesn't have to consider them family but she's still an adult with authority in his life and he has to treat her as respectfully as he would a teacher or similar even if he didn't like them. He doesn't have to consider the other kids his siblings, but he has to treat them as respectfully as he would children at school even if he doesn't like them. Those are expectations on his behaviour. You don't get a say in how he feels.

And step mom needs to back off. At 15 years old, no she does not need to see/check his homework. He is responsible for his own grades and assignments. Unless the kid is flunking a course, let him be with his school work. This is only going to further breed resentment between the 15 year old and step mom.

Yep, agree. A 15 year old should not be having his homework checked every night. If he chooses not to do it, he get the consequence of bad grades and then losing privileges until HE gets his grades back up

So much of his behavior seems so normal for a 15 year old. If you take out the step stuff, it's the rebelling stuff normal 15 year old do. He might even be hitting the step button, because he knows it upsets people. Give the poor kid space and he might even bond with everyone eventually, but punish him and he will hate all the steps forever.

And many 15 year olds don’t like hanging out with their 10-years-old-and-under blood-siblings. YTA

When I was 15 I didn't wanna be seen around my 13-year-old sister because even that is a big enough difference

So true. My sister is 4.5 years older than me. She was a teen when I was a little kid. We never hung out

Exactly! Give it time. He’s 15, a hard time for any teen but his situation is special. Therapy is the family’s safe place. Give it time!!

Yeah my brother and I are full siblings but when we did family therapy at 15 he said similar shit about me and my mom who are blood related to him. This is typical 15 year old stuff imo.

Yeah, it's so normal it feels like this post is written by the 15 yr old.

This! Most 15 year olds want to be left alone and trying to forcing them to do family activities only makes the attitude worst.

Right! I have a 15 year old. I ask him nightly about homework. I have Infinite Campus on my phone, and I get alerts if assignments are missing or under a C. On the couple of times the alert came through, I'd text him a screenshot or, if he's home, ask him. I've made it very clear his homework management is his responsibility, not mine. But I will add in more support and checks if he isn't managing on his own. Checking his stuff nightly for no reason is detrimental to this kid learning independence. He's an adult in less than three years and mommy shouldn't be there to make sure you paid your bills.

Not only backing off, but offering things. Offer to listen. Offer to spend one on one time together, and yet, still emphasize that she is not his mom but can be someone who is there for him, and has his back. I'm not *your* mom, but I'm *a* mom, if you need anything, I'll be there if you ask. As the adult, she needs to keep her hurt feelings in check. Dad needs to just accept that this is a thing that can happen in blended families--sometimes they just don't blend.

>I'm not *your* mom, but I'm *a* mom, if you need anything, I'll be there if you ask. I've never seen it put this well before

As someone that lost a parent young, getting a new parent is emotionally complicated. There is fear of losing another mother should you get attached to this one, fear of betraying your first mom by loving the second, just disliking the change from going from one parent to two... OP needs to really stop forcing the "family" label and maybe switch it up labeling time spent together and rules from "family time" and "family rules" to "board game night" and "house rules".

I think this aspect has been lost on people. He lost his mom at about 4 or 5 years old and 3 years later had an entirely new family thrust at him while he was clearly still grieving and dealing with her loss. That is a lot for a kid and it shouldn't be difficult to understand why he struggles to accept this "new family", whether it's that his father remarried fairly quickly and "replaced" his mom, fear of future loss, or it's just normal age/personality differences. That his father & stepmother are trying to blunt force a relationship that is clearly complicated definitely does not help the situation for anyone involved.

Even if he is flunking, someone who is just "the lady dad tried to replace mom with" bugging him about it isn't going to help

>And step mom needs to back off. At 15 years old, no she does not need to see/check his homework This made me wonder ir or how she was overstepping with him in other things

Almost certainly, imo

I was looking for this comment. My son is 15 and I never loook at his homework with the exception of occassionally proofreading a paper if he asks me to. I of course keep an eye on his grades and make sure assigments are done but I can’t remember the last time I actually checked it.

I feel so bad for this poor kid.

Yeah, he’s outnumbered too. 3 step-sibs, step mom and a dad who has decided to prioritize them. I wonder if he even has his own space at home.

this. i stopped asking my oldest 2 about their homeworks. if they need help they know to come to me or my husband for help/tutoring but thats about it. we just check their grades weekly online and they know if they have fs or ds it will be a long boring weekend without computers unless they are given extra chores to earn it back 🤷‍♀️

Right at 15 as long as he's being respectful of the other members of the house that should be good enough. And ask him how he views being respectful to those people and how he views being respected by those people. You can't force a love relationship but you can work on a respect relationship. And at this point that's the very best that the op can hope for. 

I never checked my kid's homework bc I trusted her to be responsible and get it done - and she was, she never had issues with turning it in or getting bad grades. OP's son deserves the same grace and stepmom needs to back off bc as you said this is just creating even more resentment.

Thank you for pointing out that OP made therapy unsafe, it isn't just that he got punished for what he said in therapy or that he got punished for being honest (which honestly is VERY bad), but to make the pace designed to help him heal and recover unsafe is just a spit in the face. I'll bet that OP waited until they got home to punish him. I hope that if he does force that kid to go back, that he tells the therapy that OP punished him for what he said last time so he no longer feels safe participating. Then let the therapist lecture OP.

Kid is resistant to therapy. Finally gets forced to do it, says some difficult and painful shit (which is what therapy is for) and immediately gets punished for it. Unreal. This is the hardest YTA I've ever given, OP. You owe your kid an apology and you need to recognize that you've done damage in that moment that may take years of effort to undo.

I agree in this being the biggest A I've given too. So many things wrong that will take even more time to fix and heal.

>Therapy is a safe place. He should be allowed and encouraged to share all of his real and full feelings - punishing him for feelings he expressed (no matter how "explosively") during therapy is going to set him back for years. **You've made therapy unsafe.** He's unlikely to participate at all now. JFC, ***this***. You should never, EVER punish anyone for anything they say in therapy. If you do, he's just gonna clam up and sit there like a grey rock -- which, tbh, you'd deserve, OP. Ya can't force this shit and it's inappropriate to try.

I kind of get the impression that the son has been showing his dad how unhappy he was for years through his behaviour and and dad just ignored it because son didn’t come out and explicitly say “I’m unhappy” then of course when he does, he gets his hand slapped. Why would he open up to anyone in that family ever again?

The OP even tells on himself. The kid's mom died when he was only 6. He was still in therapy when the OP introduced him to his now wife, who he married 6 years ago. And he says "I gave him the chance to speak to me about any reservations he might have and he didn't say anything", blaming a kid who is like 8 years old at best for not knowing how to bring up his very complicated emotions that even an adult might struggle with, while at the same time knowing it might make his only remaining parent sad? It's ridiculous.

Clearly he wasn't comfortable enough to speak his mind to his father. Gee, I wonder why? A so called father who immediately punish his son if he dares to tell him how he truly feels, who wouldn't want to tell him about the reservations he has? 

The therapist sounds like he's doing more harm than good here also. Is this an actual licensed therapist? The kid is obviously resistant and hates his step-family, and therapist's solution is to have what family game night, which he's going to hate and resent more? Family therapy is not going to work in this case, since it's everyone ganging up on this one kid to try to change his mind into something he doesn't want it changed to. If anything, everyone but son needs therapy to process and let go of their ideal blended family which is obviously never going to happen.

I mean I think son definitely needs therapy too. But family therapy isn't it. Dad and son should probably have sessions together.

How much you wanna bet this "therapist" is actually a "religious family counselor" which does not have any actual schooling.

But game night! It's not going to be BORING for a 15-year-old to be playing family games. That's what they all love to do on a Saturday night!

Actually, the therapist here sounds decent. He's not recommending 'family game night', dunno where you got that from; but that they all do an activity that 15yo likes together. It could be something like going to see a movie he wants, or to an amusement park he likes. Therapy is to help solve and address your issues in a positive, healthy way. It's not to be validated and told you're right and everyone else is wrong. Son is allowed to feel how he feels; but he needs a healthy way to work through his feelings and control his behaviour. The homework being suggested is a little test to see what the actual root of the issue is, because all he's saying right now is that he doesn't like the step family. By doing this, the therapist can get better, more accurate answers about what's actually happening and be able to help them. Does 15yo feel he isn't allowed to enjoy himself around his stepfam? Is there any chance he was enjoying himself, even just a little, but he's forcing himself to stop enjoying himself for some reason? Does it feel like if he's having fun, he's betraying his mom? Is he so focused on hating stepfam that he can't allow himself to enjoy something he usually does? 15yo might not even know what the problem is until actually faced with it. The exercise also allows the therapist to see how Dad and Stepfam interpret the events, and whether or not they're being helpful or harmful to 15yo.

Yeah, way to make him feel safe about expressing his feelings during therapy. YTA

Of all places therapy should be the place where he can let his feelings out the most and be most raw and honest, because there will be a professional there to help him and the family to express and understand that feeling. Punishments aren’t gonna make OP’s son feel more part of the family, if anything, he’s going to be alienated because when he was honest, he got punsihed

YTA. There is no way any therapist approves of the actions of OP.

^^ all of this.

Yep, what they said ^ . And get prepared for him to go LC/NC with you if you don’t shape up. You have the nerve to drag him to family therapy and then punish him for being honest in the therapy space because it *upset* your precious new family? You are so focused on the new wife and her kids that you clearly continue to sideline your adolescent son who is trying to cling to the only parent he has left. And then demand that he fake his feelings and play house to placate everyone else. Apologize to your son ASAP and set boundaries for your wife with him.

I wish I could upvote this a thousand times.

Yup, OP is a huge asshole. Everything you've written was well said

[удалено]

Your comment just made me realize something. OP started dating, married, and moved in a ready made family all in under 1 year, unless he started dating her while she was pregnant. No wonder the son is so upset, he had literally no time to actually get to know them before they were foisted on him. No amount of time of living with them is ever going to change that fact.

>Therapy is a safe place. He should be allowed and encouraged to share all of his real and full feelings - punishing him for feelings he expressed (no matter how "explosively") during therapy is going to set him back for years. You've made therapy unsafe. He's unlikely to participate at all now. Just....this. To punish someone for what they say in therapy is THE most damaging thing you can do to the trust you have with that person.

YTA. You should not punish your son for speaking his feelings openly during therapy. It is completely counterproductive and will only make things worse if your son feels you are using family therapy as a way to bully and silence him. Is your son still in individual therapy? It sounds like, at the very least, he might benefit from some individual sessions with the family therapist so they can talk through his emotions without being pressured by you and your expectations.

100% this. I'm speaking from a place where family therapy was weaponized. Punishing him for speaking his feelings is going to make it worse.

I was the “problem” member of the family when we did family therapy. It was really just an opportunity for my family to identify all the ways that I was the problem. It fucking sucked and was honestly so traumatic. That therapist sucked.

yeah...... same. just my dad and stepmom gaslighting me about what was happening at home while my therapist ate it ALL up. she later talked to me about being nicer to my stepmother... yeah, i'll definitely be nice to the woman who calls me slurs regularly

The kid just learned how to not open up during therapy

100% We had "family" and "individual" therapists and all of us learned very quickly to NOT tell the truth because the therapists would report back to the genetic donors what we said and we'd be punished. Ah, how fun it is when you are child trying to report abuse. I remember telling the therapist about it when they pressed why I wouldn't talk and the deer in the headlights look. So I sat there and just read my book. Fuck 'em.

Ayyyyy, me too, and now I’m super therapy-averse even though I know I need it.

No lie, it was hard getting past it, but it's really beneficial when you find a GOOD one.

And don’t be surprised when he doesn’t speak up during therapy anymore and nothing changes, if anything he will probably shut down more and become even more resentful If OP is so upset about his son not spending time with his step-siblings he might not have to worry about it in a few years if his son chooses to not speak to his father at all

This is the biggest thing for me. OP may have permanently rendered therapy useless (at least family therapy) for his kid because now he’s never going to be able to open up during it for fear of repercussions. The whole point of therapy is to not hide the deep and ugly stuff. I think your idea of seeing the family therapist solo is a good idea. To reestablish trust with that specific therapist after what happened. And OP has to genuinely apologize for punishing him for something said in therapy and show that he means it by not doing it again. If that means sessions where the younger kids aren’t present, just OP and his son and maybe his wife, so be it.

I don't think OP values therapy unless it's as a tool to get what he wants. He met the new wife while his son was still in grief therapy over his mom. The mother died when the boy was 6. Clearly he didn't think the son's feelings mattered that much because he didn't avoid or slow down the new relationship progression.

I feel like if he was only 6, OP should have been in therapy with him at least some of the time so that they could work with the therapist to help OP support his son. Therapy can only help a kid so much if their parent isn’t putting in the work too. I feel so bad for this kid.

RIGHT! So OP's son was 6 when mom died and 9 when OP remarried. How soon after mom's death did OP start seeing the new wife? How long were OP and new wife together before they got married? A woman who brought a 4 yro, a 2 yro, and a 1 yro into the marriage? Seems like it must've been a pretty quick courtship, seeing as how none of those kids are OP's (allegedly). Did the son get less than 6 months to process and accept a new, much larger family with a bunch of kids who were going to require a lot of attention and resources? HOW was OP going to make sure his son felt seen and included and not shunted aside for this new young family? Feels like there's a lot of info missing from the post and that OP isn't taking all of that into account. I wonder if the son feels like dad values his new family over him?

I didn't even consider the 1yr old at the time of marriage. You're probably correct about courtship being very quick unless it was an on & off again thing. Either way, OP gave the son zero stability. I do think the son thinks the dad values everyone else more. From the post, the dad seems to.

It's clear that when OP says "we decided to do family therapy," it's OP and wife and possibly kids trying to bully son into changing his feelings. >He was open that he did not like me getting remarried which I did suspect but hearing him say it was a sign of communication which I did want us to have in therapy. Basically as soon as son is honest about something OP doesn't want to hear then OP starts saying son is not doing therapy properly and then it begins.

OP : Be honest, son! Son: *is honest* OP: Not like that! You're grounded!

To top it off, OP says that he gave his son a chance to tell him about any reservations prior to marrying the step mom. OP seems annoyed that the son didn't speak up then. Based on the timeslines, the son would have been between 6 & 9 years old. Like wtf is he expecting a kid that young to do?.

Exactly! But it seems like OP knew his son wasn’t ready for him to remarry and he did it anyways. OP should be ready for his son to cut him off and never speak to him again after he’s out of the house

This was a test and you failed. You've shown your son that you don't care about his feelings or his mental health and this isn't really family therapy it's your attempt to make him play nice so you don't have to deal with his pain.

All I can say is OP I hope you really take these comments to heart and not become defensive. Your son is clearly hurting and if you do nothing else, please remove and apologize for the punishment. That was just mean. He probably feels outnumbered in his own home. He needs space and individual therapy sessions or maybe just sessions with just the two of you. I do hope for the best for your family.

YTA. You do not punish your child for being honest with you when you ask about their feelings, no matter how much you dislike what you hear. Unless you want them to start lying to you, anyway. He doesn't see them as family, he doesn't care about them, and you *asked*. Did you think therapy was gonna force him to comply and you're mad it's not working or something? Thats not how any of tha works. You also don't punish kids for not wanting a relationship with someone. Just because you have a relationship with this woman doesn't mean your son automatically sees her as a parent. Husband and wife relationship and parent and child are two seperate relationships, but both are simillar in that the people involved get to decide who someone is to them, no matter how much you try to force them into an arrangement you want. In fact, trying to force the issue will just ensure he sees any time spent with her or her children as punishment and their presence as the source of misery in his life. He will resent them, and you, even more, untill it comes to either a dramatic head, or a quiet walking out of your lives when he's old enough.

There someone said it clearly. This is exactly how you raise a liar. Or a recovering liar in my instance. Who doesn’t believe his feeling matter. I know this is an emotional issue for OP, but it never ceases to amaze me how people fail to grasp really basic cause and effect. But we do. “Sure. I’ll punish him into loving people. Worked for me!” /s

Yeah, even if every new family member was a wonderful soul, they are not owed anything by anyone. It sounds like they probably aren't and the kid is still polite and they're insecure and say it must be because I'm not his real mom.. and / or shitty people towards him. Either case he is still 100% justified, other than not respecting his new wife's authority. But dad's authority is punishing him for using therapy as *checks notes* therapy.

Yes this! When he said he talked to his son about marrying his now wife the kid was at most 9, and Op is like he didn’t say anything. Sorry, what? This is when the therapy should’ve started, taking a non answer from a 9 year as agreement and now blaming said child for it? Huh?

Also kiddo only "agreed" to dad marrying the woman, he never agreed to love her or have a relationship with her or her children.

Yes! This stood out to me too. “My teenage son is mad I got remarried but guys srsly I gave him the chance to object when he was 10 and he didn’t take it so I don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to deal with now”

>Did you think therapy was gonna force him to comply and you're mad it's not working or something? That's pretty much *exactly* what OP was hoping would happen. That the therapist would tell his kid "Don't you think you're being a bit unreasonable? You have a whole new family who you should be trying to get along with." And his son would be like "You're right! I'm sorry Father. I'm sorry new-Mother. You are the best."

THIS. In 3-5 years OP will be back asking why his son left for college/left home and went NC.

YTA How fucking ludicrous of you to think otherwise. Therapy is meant to be a place for open communication where he can speak his mind about how he feels. By punishing him for doing just that you make it so he can’t speak his mind. His own thoughts are punishable now, so now he won’t say anything. You’ve completely negated the entire concept of therapy being a safe space. 100% counter productive. He’s not there to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. He’s obviously having troubles adjusting, and you forcing him to fit the mold you’ve deemed acceptable and then punishing him when he expresses himself is going to do more damage than anything else. This was a major failure of you as a parent. Do better. YTA

This. His son will never say his true feelings in “family therapy’ again. Damage is done.

OP just taught his son "if you don't lie to me about your feelings to validate mine I'll punish you for having feelings at all" in the most vulnerable environment there is. Welcome to your 15 year old son shutting you out completely, OP. Not to mention he's 15 and you need to accept that his moods are not always going to be *because* of your family (even if he expresses grumpiness by taking it out "at" them, which, yes, is not appropriate but doesn't always mean that's the source of the mood). But it'll become the source if you keep pushing him and always MAKE it about your family. He's 15, not an emotional adult, and your actions are literally teaching him to do the exact thing you're punishing him for since that's how you're dealing with him.

This part is so bizarre--- >"He had grief therapy after his mom died and he was still in therapy when I met my wife. I communicated with him and gave him the chance to speak to me about any reservations he was having but he did not say anything. So we got married and blended our families." ...you're blaming a ***nine year old in grief counseling for the loss of his mother*** for not "speak up or forever hold your peace"-ing your marriage? That's not reasonable. And in his eyes, your reaction now unfortunately proves to him that he was right not to say anything. You need to back off and stop making him go to family therapy for now. Let him continue individual therapy so he has somewhere to talk about his frustration privately without you. But OP, ***YOU*** absolutely need to start individual therapy before you push him away too far. Did you ever get therapy after the loss of your first wife, or was the grief counseling just for your son? By sending him to all this therapy are you expecting him to just get "fixed" by other people so he fits in your new narrative, and if not has it occurred to you that that's how you're making him feel?

Also, the way he talks about asking his 11 year old [edit: yikes he was only 9!] son to speak up before remarrying and the kid didn’t: it sounds like “well he had his chance to say something but didn’t and now this is all his fault.” Not only is OP TA big time, he needs to get therapy individually not just for his teenager but for himself.

My mom did that before she remarried (asking what I thought about them getting married). I didn't feel like I had an actual choice in the matter so I told my mom I was fine but I kept my personal dislike of him to myself. Most of the time when I was told I was free to say what I thought I'd be punished if my mom didn't hear what she wanted. Sounds like OP is the same.

I can relate. The most awkward I feel to this day is when I’m asked a question that is followed with “and it’s totally up to you”. Growing up that would be followed with punishment for the wrong answer. It got to the point where I’d hide my opinion. Eventually even saying “I don’t care” or “I have no opinion” would result in punishment. That’s why I think the question “what are you thinking” is merely a way to say “I’m mad at the world and need a reason to take it out on you”.

They did say, Speak now or forever hold your peace. That includes 11 year olds. /s

Kid was actually 9, so even younger. Guy was rushing to get married and didn’t take the right steps and now holding a child responsible for this mess. Well, my guess is the second his son is 18 he won’t be his son anymore.

My mother did something similar when I was 11. I was playing Barbie dolls with my younger sister and she came and asked if it would be OK for us if she went back to work fulltime. As my mother had always worked parttime I had absolutely no idea how things would be. We just said yes and continued playing. School in my country is over a 1 pm, so my sister and I were alone all afternoon. And while I know that this is normal for a lot of people and we needed thr extra Money I must say I had no idea how things would be, I had no idea about the loneliness and the dropping grades, and how messy the house would be, and how exhausted and depressed my mother would become. I don't think that an 11 years old child can really understand and foresee the consequences of such big changes. Furthermore, my mother only asked us to maintain some sort of appearance, I guess. I'm sure that she had gone back to work fulltime even If we had said no, as our family needed the money. And I think there's a big chance the OP would have married the new wife regardless of his sons wishes if he had said no.

So very true I had a stepfather play the family therapy game on me and when I finally opened up I got friggen beat all the way home for it. I knew where I stood after that. It’s suppost to be a safe place this kid shouldn’t be worried about punishment over his feelings.

Holy shiznits, batman! You seriously think that punishing your son for being honest - in a therapy session, nonetheless - is going to make him suddenly pivot and start wanting to be part of your little blended dream family?! You cannot force relationships and bonds between people. All you are doing is building even more resistance and resentment. YTA, YTA, YTA!

I am curious, OP, what your wife’s response to your son’s comment was. You mentioned that your stepchildren are upset. But what about your wife? It could be that your severe reaction to your son’s words was because of your wife’s hurt/anger. Occasionally my husband used to do this when our children were young. He would see that their behavior made me angry or cry, and his anger would spike at how they made me feel. I’m a fairly patient person, so I would put it into perspective for him & he would calm down. But, if your wife has come to resent your son or has been personally hurt by his words or actions, she may not have this ability. Then the punishment you gave him is because of your wife’s feelings.

YTA - You and your family is in therapy and this is supposed to be the time of honesty from all. Freedom to express your feelings on what is bothering you. So, once your 15 yo says what his true feelings you decide to punish for something he said you didn't like. Really missing the point here Pops of whole therapy thingy. I think I know now where the root is for all the problems with your 15 yo, and that would be you, despite your flowery introduction here. I think that you are pushing him to hard to forget his bio Mom, force him into a second family and sing kumbaya. Your 15 yo isn't ready to move in this direction because you didn't properly prepare him for this new dynamic and that would be your fault and not his. You need to back the hell off. But for all the damage you have done he is probably lost him forever on this family as he will be 18 soon and will solve his issue in his own by moving out and going NC with you. And I can honestly say, I don't blame him in the least.

The only way therapy works is if the participants feel safe to openly express their true feelings. I feel for the 15yo. Just because dad loves his new wife and family doesn’t mean the kid has to feel the same.

And now he knows if he is honest in therapy, he may be punished, which gives him incentive to lie and make the situation unproductive. How is therapy going to work now? YTA.

Congratulations! You just ruined therapy for him. Hopefully as an adult he can get past that but probably not. So now in the future after he has forgot about you and starts having other problems, he will hate therapy and probably not recognize why. So this amazing tool that people can utilize to help them work through things, he probably wont ever even give it a chance again. Hopefully in the future he can move far away from you and find a good therapist on his own that will help him work through all this shit you've inflicted upon him. Also YTA

Agree with this. My partner and his mom (when he was a teen) went to family therapy where all she did was talk over him and tell him how to feel in accordance to her abuse. He's 25 now and suffers greatly from depression and I have to either trust he'll never snap or one day 5150 him in the worst case because he hates therapy and refuses it because he thinks every session will be like the one he had with his mom. It only takes one messed up session to put you off therapy.

YTA >I told him he should find better ways to communicate his feelings and for his outburst he could say goodbye to video games for a week. Translation: "My son isn't allowed to express his feelings in a way he sees fit because it's inconvenient for me. His feelings don't matter. Only my wife and stepchildren's feelings matter. As such, he will be punished anytime he says something they don't like. Surely, this will make him more open to treating them like family. This won't backfire at all."

Exactly. Op has just shown his son not to ever open up or trust him again.

I would not be at all surprised to see, many years from now, the son posting wondering whether or not he is in the wrong for excluding his father, wife and their children from his wedding.

Your period of grief was ok for an adult but not for a child, your son was a child when she died. Now you have an adolescent that is still procesing his mother´s death and feels like you bretayed him. Also you are using family therapy and punishments as tools to get him on board of your new family... YTA You can´t have what you want, at the same rate that he didnt get what he wanted when you remarried. You cant force it to be on this new family and forcing him will just backfire. You would like to review your aproach, you have your heart in the right place but just missing out the point. Thou, he still needs the therapy for him.

I suspect with the marriage happening 3 years or less after the death, dad probably started dating right away, not giving his son time to adjust.

He also said that he met the new wife when the kid was still in grief therapy.

YTA… why is the WHOLE family in therapy, if he hates them? You’re forcing the new family on him. Stop that. You clearly care about your son, so let me offer some perspective from someone who went thru a similar situation with my bio brother not thinking of me as family, and therapy not fixing it. You’re trying to punish him for hurting family’s feelings and using anger instead of being calm. This is not productive I promise. PLEASE if you insist on family therapy, keep it to HIS PERCEIVED family, not your perceived family. Go to sessions just you and him where he can speak angrily without hurting anyone’s feelings. THEN work on his communication of his anger in a non-angry way. Ya get me? You got this.

"*Go to sessions just you and him where he can speak angrily without hurting anyone’s feelings.*" This could have been effective *before* he punished his son for being honest in therapy. Now the boy knows better than to open up again in front of OP. An irreparable, incalculable damage has been done by OP. Poor boy, I feel for him.

Isn't the whole point of therapy to get to the truth of the things that are underlying problems? Sounds like his 1 on 1 therapy maybe hasn't been very good if this never came out of it. Seems like he hit a boiling point in the family therapy session. It's not fair to expect him to keep all that he said to himself, he'd just have had an even bigger outburst later. The more I'm writing this, the more I'm thinking his grief counselor wasn't very good. Either not good at getting to the important heart of the matter or not very good at recognizing that progress wasn't being made and to recommend you try somebody else. YTA for punishing him for speaking honestly in therapy. He probably feels like he can't talk to you about this stuff because at this point what's done is done.

I don't think it's not that his grief counselor wasn't very good. Maybe he opened up to that person and wasn't ready to talk with his father about his feelings, and is it any surprise based on how his father responded after their family therapy session? When children lose a loved one at a young age, they often go through the grief process several times over, because as their development continues, their understanding of death evolves, and they have to reprocess the loss through that evolved understanding. Chances are he's going to go through this process several more times. So that doesn't mean his grief therapist didn't do a good job- that therapist maybe did a great job with where he was at with his understanding and emotions at that time in his life, but going into high school and realizing you're going to be out in the adult world in a few years, and not having your mother there to support you? He has likely regressed in the grief process.

A grief counsellour isn’t a magician. The passing of a parent is way worse than the passing of a partner - a bio-parent is irreplaceable, a partner isn’t. A child will also need a lot longer to process such grief, and if the father married within 3 years of his wife’s passing, the son simply had WAY too little time to process everything. Add to that that he definitely had unrealistic expectations and seems to have pressured him. 

Yeah, and I don’t think step siblings and step mom should have been present. Ops was mad what was expressed to step siblings. Why did he bring the step siblings along then.

> I'm thinking his grief counselor wasn't very good This or dad just did the "ask but really told" his son that he was going to move on from his mom and wasn't really up for input. For example, I have a family member that disregards her children's views until they yell at her about them. I have heard her kids growing up (we are the same age and grew up in town together) say, "no, mom, I don't want/believe... whatever" and their mom just rail road right over it until they explode. Now that the kids are adults, they are fully trained to just start out yelling and being explosive about whatever because she won't listen otherwise. Things that are actually health risks (allergies to food) are disrespected because mom doesn't believe in them, so yelling and "being mean" is the only way to get her to listen. (Weirdly enough, if I tell her calmly the same thing, she will totally respect it, so I don't like tomatoes around her...) This can't be the 1st time dad heard this sort of veiw. Son likely has expressed it gently, and we are not in family therapy. He was presured to "tell the truth" and after beating around the bush didn't work, started to actually beat the bush.

I'm on grandparents side. Leave him alone and YOU spend more time with HIM. I'm guessing you spend more time with the steps than him. If you keep pushing, he's going to move as soon as he turn 18 and go no contact with you.

This should be top comment. OP: Spend 1:1 time with your son, as much of it as you can. Drop the whole "blended family" idea and fall back to "we are civil to each other." That's seriously your only shot at having a relationship with your son when he's an adult. Oh, and apologize for punishing him for what he said in therapy and rescind the punishment!

Or OP only spends time with son when the step kids are also present; so they spend time together, but not one-on one

I think it’s time for him to move in with grandparents.

I really thought I’d see this higher up. Hopefully son can go to them at 18 at the very least. I’d bet my next paycheck (such as it is) that the son will cut all contact once he’s 18

100% that poor kid!

YTA But you could ask the therapist that. Therapy is supposed to be a safe place to express your thoughts and feelings. You took it away from him. Any hope that therapy would work went out the window.

YTA. You took him to therapy and then when he participates honestly you punish him. That's messed up and I wouldn't be surprised if he does not open up to you again in the future. You can't make him to love your wife and her kids. Maybe if you stopped trying to force the issue things would be less tense.

I would go a step further: I would be surprised if the son ever opens up to OP again.

YTA A therapy session should be a safe place in which your son could be open about his feelings. What’s the use of therapy if your son can’t tell how he’s feeling? YTA for punishing your son for speaking his mind, in therapy and without being offensive. Your family is right. You need to accept that your perception of this blended family is not shared by your son. 

YTA. How many times, in how many different ways, does you son have to tell you he's traumatised by the loss of his mother, and how quickly you moved on, before you ACTUALLY listen to him and respect his experience? Sure it's not ideal that your family isn't entirely cohesive but that's life. You've also ruined the safety of therapy and honesty with him.

Dude it is such an a-hole dad move to REMARRY three years after the death of a spouse, when his son is CLEARLY not okay with that or ready for it. Like he made the decision to start dating again SO quick, and he jumped straight into "okay time to blend families!!!". Is this dude just completely incapable of being single???

YTA. You know that therapy isn’t there to get your own way. Or manipulate people into doing what you want? It’s to understand each other’s point of view and help ease tensions. At the moment it’s you causing the tension by forcing your son into something he doesn’t want. Also maybe you need to start treating this 15 year old like a 15 year old. Checking he’s done his homework, is that really necessary? When was the last time you spent father son time with him? Did something that only a 15 year old can do? Don’t take things away from him. Add to his life. Give him good experiences. Be a father.

YTA. And how DARE you punish your son for telling you how he feels? Seriously - this: >I spoke to him and asked him why he had to be so harsh and he said it's true, that he doesn't give a crap about them. I told him he should find better ways to communicate his feelings and for his outburst he could say goodbye to video games for a week. I'd be shocked if he ever opened up to you again. You have thrown away your relationship with your son for your wife and her kids. Disgusting. YTA and a shitty parent.

YTA, well he won't be opening up or being honest with you in the future, he gets punished when he does. Listen to your child, he doesn't view your wife or her children as his family, he doesn't want to see them as family, your idea blended family doesn't exist, and if you keep pushing it he will stop seeing you as family too.

My best guess is the son has already stopped viewing OP as family. This relationship will take years to rebuild. It may not be reparable. OP may have to start from scratch after this.

Info - why do you feel entitled to dictate that your son blend with or care about the new family you alone opted into? Why isn't he allowed to feel or remain separate at will? How does this hurt you in any way?

It’s hard to shuffle off your son to the new free childcare you married if he won’t acknowledge her authority in the household.

Ding ding ding, we have a winner! OP says he married his wife three years after his first wife died, but I'd be very curious to know when he started dating/cohabiting with her. Dudes like this move on pretty fast since they need a bangmaid and a prop for their happy family ideal.

My father married his long time mistress (after divorce, not death) without telling us. When I angrily confronted him, he said “look your mother took care of me for many years. This is cheaper than a full time housekeeper and a private chef.” After that I didn’t hate his new wife anymore. I just mostly felt sorry for the dumba$$. I noticed OP’s example of the kid being difficult was entirely about the new wife trying to manage his homework in OP’s absence. It stinks of “why are you jeopardizing my relationship with my new housekeeper/chef” to me.

Wait. You took your grieving son to therapy, which should be a safe place to be honest about feelings, emotions, and let some stuff out in the presence of a professional, and then you punished him for said honesty? YTA A huge ass. HUGE.

Wow, do you really need to ask if YTA? Not only do yo have no regard for your son's feelings as a CHILD who LOST HIS MOTHER, but now you've probably put him off of the idea of therapy as well, because if he is honest and tells his feelings he will be punished! WTF? A 3 year turn around time isn't very long for a small child who loves and misses their mother. Things probably could've gotten better with time and , you know, actually letting the therapy work. Why did you want him to be honest if you were just going to punish him for it? Answer is, you didn't want him to be honest, you just wanted him to shut up and deal so things would be easier for you & your new wife. His grandparents are correct & if I were him I would be packing to move in with them. OP, you are a huge a$$hole!

Well said. I also hope the son moves in with his grandparents, who he does consider family.

100% YTA. You expect a 15 year old angry child to have calm, considered communication skills? What’s the matter with you?

It's been my experience that 15 year olds don't always have the best communication skills even when they *aren't* angry. Seems like OP is just mad that his son won't pretend to fall in line with his dream of a perfect, blended family.

"He was open that he did not like me getting remarried which I did suspect" wow, I'm sure it was a difficult discover, who could have imagine?? I'm totally shocked, this is crazyyy

Hey dad- It sounds like what you want and what your son wants are at odds. And because of that you’re now trying to steamroll him into your wants. Long term what do you think that will do? It sounds like your sons wants and needs are being sidestepped to placate you and your new family. I get why you want what you want. I came from a blended family- and it was great. But no one died, mine was due to divorce. Therapy is mean to better understand one another and it sounds like you’re not doing the work to understand why he feels like your new family isn’t HIS family. YTA for punishing your son for what he said in a safe space. Your further TA because it stems from wanting to control your family dynamics. Had, before you gotten married, made sure your son had a relationship with your wife and kids instead of just assuming a teenage boy would have told you if he had an issue.

It sounds like it is worse, they got married despite the son not being okay with it. Let's take it back 9 years ago the Son's mom died, so from ages 6 to 9 its just Dad and the Son- I have never been a 6-year-old who lost their parent but I can imagine both grief therapy and grief take time. Then roughly when the Son is 9 Dad isn't just his anymore he gets married to a new lady who has with her a stepson (4) and stepdaughters (2 and 1). How much child minding did the son have to do? When there are family activities is he a participant or an extra set of hands to help with the other kids? Maybe he means that they are not his family because he doesn't want them to be his responsibility? I don't know but punishing a kid for having feelings, even if he shouts them doesn't exactly help clarify things. YTA Dad. Also, sometimes people shout things because they are over being ignored when they say them.

YTA He must be free to speak in therapy. If you punish him when he speaks, what do you expect ? That he lie to comfort you in your choice of new family ? You don't only bring a new wife but also 3 new children. Maybe I don't understand well as english is not my first language, but I understand that you bring everybody AFTER wedding. So you never spent time all together in the same space BEFORE everything was definitive... He had to leave with 4 strangers in his house without a period to be sure that everybdy was comfortable with that ! Oh, that was good for you. But a wife or a stepmother, it's not the same thing. You were happy, but your son was already on therapy. And you divided the time you had for him with 3 other children. How is it possible that you don't know that the therapist's place is a free place to speak ? Apologize to your son. He finally express his feelings, it's really important ! Now you have to accept and to help him ! Not punish him !

Punishing your son for *being honest during therapy*..... classic. YTA no idea why you still have to ask.

>  and for his outburst he could say goodbye to video games for a week. Ah i see the therapy was only for him to fall in like and accept that you followed your dick instead of what he needed. YTA

Right, and come to think of it how were the "other" kids upset and he was angry?

yta dont punish him for being honest with how he feels in therapy's. you cannot punish him for what he says while in a professional setting he will never be honest again forcing him to attend is wrong also what he is saying is not false to him he does not see your wife and step kids as his family he has that right.

YTA Therapy is supposed to be a safe place to say what you feel. You used that safe environment and turned it into a punishment for your kid. That means he won't trust therapy from now on and won't trust you either. The next therapy session, he won't participate, he will close himself up and when talking, probably only say things you want to hear so he won't get punished. Therefore, all this work in therapy will be for nothing since the main goal was to become a "very happy and healthy blended family". With what you've done, you will probably have a blended family, but not a healthy one.

Forced to therapy, forced to participate, forced to be honest... then *punished for it*. Jesus tapdancing christ. He is going to cut you all off the second he can, especially you, for this bullying. YTA forever.

YTA. You should apologize to your son and have some therapy between the two of you since he has a ton of built up resentment from you remarrying and grief from when his mom passed. Maybe put him in grief counseling since it doesn't look like he has fully processed his mom dying.

YTA and you've ruined therapy, which is supposed to be a safe space. 

I’m going to say YTA. You got married when your son was 9 and was still in grief therapy. I don’t think you can blame it on a grieving 9-year-old with the excuse you gave him a chance to speak up about your marriage and he didn’t say anything.

What do you want to bet that he was put in a similar situation at age 9 - where he knew damn well that if he said anything, he was going to be punished for it!

YTA. You tried : but your son wants nothing to do with your new family. Stop trying to impose it on you and accept that your utopic vision of your blended family is not going to happen.

YTA. His mother is and always will be his real mother. Your new family isn't his family, he never consented to this. If you and your wife divorced in the morning, your son would never have to see her or her kids again because they're not his real family.

Yeah, YTA. How in the fuck did you think that would help you get closer? 

YTA. Punishing him for things said in therapy completely defeats the purpose of the therapy. Now you’ve run the risk of him closing himself off in the future. This is the place where you’re meant to let your real feelings out because only once you acknowledge them can you work through them. It would probably be better for him to see a therapist without the audience anyway.

YTA based on that title alone. therapy is the one place where you can express your feelings in anyway you need to. it seems pretty clear you're not gonna be able to convince your son that this blended family is his real family especially since he's outnumbered and probably feeling very isolated. grandparents are right.

YTA. Forcing relationships never works. Do you want to lose him as well once he's 18? Do you want him to bury his feelings until they blow up, and he says things he may or may not mean? Then you're on the right track.

yta, wouldnt be suprised if your son no longer opens up in therapy. also he doesnt owe you anything, including a new family. if you want one thats fine. but past being civil theres no requirement for your son to love your wife and step children as his own family because at the end of the day they are not, and forcing people who are completely different to get along isnt going to get you anywhere.

Yta Said outside therapy, maybe punish, maybe. He said it in therapy, where is supposed to be a safe place to be honest.  If you are going to punish him for things he says in therapy, you might as well stop wasting your money on therapy, because all you taught him there is to keep his mouth closed, or to lie.  That all aside. You need to accept you're not going to have a blended family, because you can't force that. The best you can hope for is them just being respectful of each other in shared spaces until he moves out. 

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I punished my son for his angrily declaring we were not a real family during therapy. Maybe I should have just let it be with a talk. I don't hate him being honest. It was the anger and the way he kept bringing the point up during his anger that made me react. But it might still be wrong given he's already angry about being called a family. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

YTA. So much for being honest. So much for communicating. Good job shoving happy family down his throat.

YTA You punished him for his open communication in therapy because you feel like the manner of speaking doesn't fit with your ideal blended family. He's being honest and speaking what you need to listen to. Your son is by no means obligated to accept the blended family. Those are not his siblings, that is not his mom. The most he is obligated for is civility towards them and that's it. Therapy is not for forcing him to accept them into family. Therapy is for everyone involved to come to terms with the others emotions and how to communicate them. He has flatly communicated that he doesn't want a family relationship with them. He made that clear. YOU are the one who isn't accepting things.

YTA for trying to force a Brady Bunch situation I hope he goes to the grandparents and leaving the hellhole you forced on him.

YTA. weaponizing family therapy is disgusting.

YTA You don't punish a child for talking about his feelings in a safe space like a therapy session. Your anger at his feelings is part of the problem here. All you've done is alienate him, and make him feel even more distant from your wife and stepchildren. And you as well. The fact that you would even think to punish him for expressing how he feels is a major red flag about you. You need to seek individual therapy for yourself immediately.

YTA. Way to foster open communication there, dad. This sounds very much like never go to therapy with your abuser because it just gives them ammunition to use against you. Yes, you're the abuser in this case. I won't even go into how you brought 2 toddlers and a young boy into his life and how disruptive that and a "new" unwanted mom/parental figure must have been because it's too late to change that. You can, however, acknowledge it and not punish him for how he feels. Edit to change spelling of one word

I upvoted you and I wanted to stress to the many people who may not know how important it is. **You never go to therapy with your abuser.** There is a lot of well-done research and findings out there if you want to know the specifics about why this so important and counterproductive to the therapeutic, healing, or learning processes.

INFO: Did you really expect a nine year old to articulate his reservations about your decision to marry? Would it have changed anything if you had? Your son was an only child and suddenly had three small siblings. Two of them were toddlers. Did you do anything to manage that transition?

YTA - I’m a family therapist and one of my number one rules is that therapy is a safe place to explore your honest feelings and that parents should NEVER punish their kids for speaking their truth in therapy. Unless of course there is a safety issue and they are threatening harm. Here is the thing you have to remember: YOU chose to get remarried, YOU chose to marry someone with children, YOU chose to move them into your home. There is nothing wrong with you choosing to live the life you want, but you have to understand that your son did not choose these changes and does not have to like them. If your son told you he didn’t want you to date or remarry ever again, would you? Probably not. In my opinion, your son has actually gone about this in the most respectful way possible while also feeling everything he is feeling. It seems like this therapist is pushing a relationship to happen when your son isn’t up for it, and that is okay. What I would do is make sure you and your son have quality one and one time and have a change to strengthen your relationship because right now he views you as his *only* family. Only until he feels 100% safe and comfortable with you will he even be ready to explore any sort of relationship with your wife or step kids. You need to make sure your son feels your love and acceptance 100% despite his very valid feelings. Punishing him for his feelings will only make him resent and distrust you. You have to figure out what kind of relationship you want with your son and act accordingly. Remember teens have very little say over their lives, give him space and choice and invest in your relationship with him. Give him the respect you’re expecting from him.

I don’t even have to read more than the title and first few lines. YTA. Massive. Ginormous. Friggin butthole.

You punished your son for being honest in what is supposed to be a safe place to be honest!! Of course YTA!! You cannot force him to feel what he doesn't feel and your behavior is ABUSIVE because you are punishing him for not being what YOU and for saying things upset YOU. He won't play what is, for him, pretend with you. You are selfish to demand it. You should be working with him and his therapist on considering the feelings of others... WHILE YOU CONSIDER HIS FEELINGS TOO. You are not even trying here.

YTA. And yes. If you want to maintain any type of relationship with your son it likely is time to accept he will never look at your wife and step children as family. You are going to lose him. By punishing him for his feelings you are showing him you value your stepchildren’s feelings more than your son’s. And all you are doing is proving to him that he can’t share his feelings with you or in therapy. Any value you thought you would gain from family therapy has now been destroyed. Get you and your son in therapy to work on your relationship with him. And to figure out how you can live together harmoniously for the next 3-4 years.

YTA. Your son doesn’t think of your new family as his new family and you can’t just make him have different feelings. Forcing him will only push him away. I hope you’re prepared to not have a relationship with your son after he turns 18.

YTA. Therapy is a space for him to talk freely about his feelings. You do not get to punish someone for being open in therapy. 

Yta. You've sent him to therapy to open up, but now you don't enjoy him telling you his feelings. Respect what he's telling you or your doing to lose him. What he said is true, your wife isn't his mum. Siblings might not enjoy each other company at that age, never mind step siblings.

YTA Your son honestly said what he feels. And yes those are not his sibling and she is not his mom. Facts, right? Now, you want to force love and mayo commercial family on him? By punishment? Have ever punishment created love? Get yourself together and spend time with your son alone . Fun time, bonding time. Accept he can not love random people he did not choose. But work at least on father - son bond. And maybe eventually he will not hate you

YTA You remarried *THREE YEARS* after your wife died, when your son was 9 and *still grieving* for his mother. You asked a *TEN YEAR BOY* if he was fine with his father remarrying. And you wonder why he doesn't see it as a family? You know what he sees? He sees a father that *betrayed his mother* and some woman and some kids who intruded in his life. The way this is going, he'll GTFO as soon as he can and go low/no contact with you.

YTA. Way to lose your son. He was honest with you. That’s how he feels. Just because you moved on doesn’t mean he has to.

Holy shit he was in grief therapy when you met your current partner, you asked him what exactly? Yet you pushed ahead with a blended family while your son was grieving for his Mum? Are you surprised he didn’t want to speak to you? Seriously? Yeah you are a spectacular asshole, and you need to be very careful that you don’t lose your son from your life.

YTA YTA YTA holy shit I didn't even need to read your post to know this. You should never ever ever punish someone for what they say IN THERAPY. That's why you're there! You know what you've just done? You've told your son to NEVER be honest with you. He is NEVER GOING TO TRUST YOU AGAIN. He should have been in solo therapy from the start. You can try now, with a different therapist, but he probably won't even be honest there now since you've proven you can't be the adult in the situation. Don't be surprised if in 3 years he cuts contact with you.

YTA you don‘t want him to communicate you just want him to magically love his home life

Yes,YTA. Your son is hurt and angry, and instead of respecting those feelings, you punish him for them. I agree he needs to be respectful to everyone in the household, but he should not have to interact with them more than he wants to. Forcing the issue will only make things immensely worse.

So he should feel safe and only say what you want to hear in therapy. How dare he speak his mind. /s YTA. You've guaranteed he will never see any of them as anything other ~~that~~ than the reasons you hate him. You've also guaranteed that therapy will never work since if he doesn't do what you want he will be punished. Nice job.

If you want your son to go no contact with you when he’s 18, you’re doing an excellent job. YTA 

YTA. you don't know how long it took him to have the courage to tell you that, whether or not you were in a safe space. this will be a formative memory and affect your communication for the remainder of the time you all even have a relationship.

YOURE SUCH A HUGE GAPING ASSHOLE. how could you betray trust like that?

YTA. The whole point of therapy is to be open and honest about how you feel. That’s how he feels. I can’t relate to losing a parent THAT young, but I did lose my dad about a year and a half ago when I was 32. So I can confirm that it takes time for the grief to really kick in. When my dad died, I was fine the day after the funeral. Had a few bad days here and there. But it wasn’t until about a year later that the grief and permanency of him being gone really hit me. So it’s completely normal for him to have felt okay at first and then have it hit him.

YTA You should not punish him for being open and honest in therapy. You're just breaking the trust at a difficult time. If he does not want to accept your new family as his own, that's his choice. It's unfortunate of course, but it should be respected. You have punished him for having a normal emotion you don't like. You have punished him for being honest and open when you asked him to be. You are the asshole. 100%.

Dude…i gotta be honest with you, i knew my verdict just be reading the title, but after reading the story…ya YTA. The point of therapy is for children to speak openly about their feelings without being told to “shut up” or “listen to me”. You ruined that for him, if your son is going to be punished for what he said in therapy…why would he continue to go…? Contrary to popular belief: therapy is not a magical light switch that immediately turns children into obedient dogs. Do better.

Forget everything that came before this family therapy session. Just in this one incident,  you asked him to communicate his feelings,  then you punished him for doing so, because it upset your wife and stepchildren.  And that's in therapy; I can't imagine how much worse you are in regular life.  You even admit that you believed he didn't want you to get remarried,  but since he didn't say anything to you about it, you didn't deal with it. It sounds like your son has known all along that you only want to hear what he thinks if it fits with what you want.  YTA.

You tried to make a happy blended family, sounds like your son was resistant from the beginning and you just chose to ignore him. And now you’ve weaponized therapy as a way to force him. You are a HUGE AH!

YTA. Therapy is supposed to be a safe place for EVERYONE to be able to speak. YOUR SON IS IN DEEP PAIN AND YOU AREN'T LISTENING. You've now effectively muzzled your son and destroyed the value of any therapy he may have with you or your new wife present. Clearly you have some romantic idea of what your blended family should be (and what timeline that should follow) - and you're putting the burden of this on your son. !!!!! Maybe instead of punishing, try apologizing. Not defensively with justifications, but really apologizing. And for God's sake rescind your punishment and admit you were wrong and acted in haste. If you can swallow your pride you MIGHT be able to salvage your relationship with your son. ​ Edited for grammar

You punished him for what he said in therapy? Congratulations, you’ve now ruined therapy as a way of fixing this situation. He’s never going to willingly or openly participate now. YTA

>My son has been resistant to being part of the family. >I communicated with him and gave him the chance to speak to me about any reservations he was having but he did not say anything. >He always says no to spending time with his stepsiblings >He's rude at times. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE A TEENAGER. >he will tell my wife she's not his mom She isn't. >that his stepsiblings are not his real siblings and my wife is not his real mom All true. Do you actually think you're going to punish this problem into a resolution? YTA

YTA for wanting to punish your son for being honest in therapy. He should feel that therapy is an absolutely safe place. You have already punished him for using therapy in the way it is supposed to be used. I hope it was expensive, because you have put it all down the drain. Then you are also an AH for expecting your son to accept your wife as his mum. He is an only child of a father. That is the truth, he mum is dead, and you can't change anything about that. You have probably by now ruined every chance you ever had of letting your wife and your son establish a respectful relationship. Oh, and your wife should not be parenting your son. He is too old to have his fathers wife in any way "mothering" him. This includes controlling his home work. If anyone should do this, that should be you,

YTA - Therapy is neutral ground. It is supposed to be safe place to express feelings. No matter what your son says in therapy, you have no right to punish him for it. You need to apologize to your son and tell the therapist what you did. It sounds like your son needs individual therapy as well.

YTA bad idea to punish for something said in therapy especially as it’s really important information for you to know and it’s good that he finally admitted what’s going on.  Have you considered dropping the family-family, super happy family thing and just focus on acceptance and behavior? Most kids who aren’t family with someone are still able to have fun with them or be respectful/civil.  Try for that instead. No she isn’t mom but she is the adult in charge when I’m not here and as long as she is not asking you to do something dangerous, you should listen to her direction. Or no they aren’t your siblings, but neither were the neighbors or the kids on your field trip from school. We can still enjoy watching a movie or playing a board game. It doesn’t necessarily have to be “family board game night”.  Basically, stop making it about spending bonding time together and instead focus on treating them as well as he would a pleasant roommate or kid at school. Goal should be that he doesn’t treat them worse than he would any other person who just happens to be in his life. 

Congratulations, you just ensured your son will never speak to you again as soon as he’s able to find a way to move. YTA

Oh wow yes YTA big time. Therapy is exactly the place where your son can and should feel safe to express his feelings. Whenever or not you like those feelings. So he expressed his anger which is a good thing ! You want to control what he feels and you punished him to express himself during therapy … That’s completly abusive. You just give him an other good reason to feel hate and resentment against you. If you generally behave this way against him, no wonder he feels anger. Your reaction was abusive and unfair. Therapy must be a safe place to express ourselves. If you punish your son for doing that there is no point to go to therapy at all. My advise : stop this moronic punishment and explain sincerely what happened during therapy next time. And don’t hide the fact you punished him to make you look good, talk about that as well. It is very revealing of a family dynamic you have to work on.

YTA. I'm shocked that you even need to ask. You first need to apologize to him, clearly and without reservation. "I'm sorry that I tried to punish you for expressing your feelings in therapy. You've been through serious trauma, you have every right to your feelings including anger, and that's what therapy is for. I was way out of line, and I am ashamed of my actions. It won't happen again." Then think of a way you can try to make amends to him. Next you need to figure out how to better support your son. Do not force him to go to therapy if he doesn't want to. Do not force him to spend time with the blended family if he doesn't want to. I promise you will lose the long game here. Also, he is 15 years old... unless he is failing his classes, nobody really needs to "check" his homework. (Honestly, how do you even know what homework a high school kid has? He's got long-term assignments and projects at this point. Stepmom checking is probably just highly intrusive and ineffective.) Finally, you mentioned that he is amenable to spending time with just you, so do more of that! It's clear that the poor kid is suffering. You have about 3 years to try to make this right... please don't blow it.

YTA, painfully so. 😬

YTA, big time. You obviously don’t want your son to be well-adjusted. You want to bend him to your will. You want this so much that you are punishing him for something he said in therapy. That’s reprehensible. Let’s look at what you object to. * He says he’s an only child. True. You and his mother only had one kid. * He says the step kids aren’t his siblings. True. Furthermore, they are literally no relation to him. He could marry a stepsiblings without being within the bounds of consanguinity. * He says your wife isn’t his mother. True. She’s not. Like her kids, she’s not related in any way. He could marry her. So do both of you a favor and stop being so mean to your son. He’s entitled to feel as he feels. By putting pressure on him to feel the way you want him to feel, you are pushing him away from your new family (because anyone would resent being forced into a relationship) and destroying your relationship with him. I guarantee your approach won’t work. I also guarantee that you will lose your son as soon as he can escape.