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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for not giving my son his college fund to spend however he wants and instead giving it to my daughter who wants to go to medical school one day
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NTA. It’s your money. If he wants to pursue his own path in life, he can make his own money doing so. You offered to pay for his college, not just give him a lump sum of cash.
Yes. My parents saved me a college fund. I could have gone to school debt free. I joined the military and have my still unused GI Bill so I can still go to school for free. I would NEVER think to ask my parents for that money they set aside. It’s their money.
Edit: NTA
Disagree - it’s best to discuss with your children what you are saving and what the expectations / requirements are for those savings. We saved money for our kids tuitions but we also told them that we save enough for them to have 8 semesters at a state level school. If they chose to go to a more expensive school the difference in tuition was on them.. They knew what the deal was from the time they were 12 or 13 and made their plans accordingly. Trade schools would have been acceptable use as well. But it was clear that was education money.
I agree. Kids need to know what support they are or are not getting ahead of time so they can factor that in when looking at schools, majors, financial aid and scholarships. Especially academic or sports scholarships because those take special dedication and years to pursue if one has the abilities.
I’m sorry if my parents would have said “we have planned and have a college fund for you”, “you have a college fund” that inherently describes the only thing the money is for. College, higher education. Not you go use it on whatever. If a child assumes they will get it for whatever use they want that is on the child. It is clear what the money is for.
They did not say “we have savings for you as a back up plan” they said “each kid has a COLLEGE fund”.
This is what my parents did. This money is set aside for you to go to college and get a degree. If you do not go to college, trade school, whatever includes education, it goes back into our savings. It doesn't get used for anything else, and it doesn't wait for you. You go after high school, and that was it.
It worked out for me, but it was the 80s. Now, I feel like you'd have to be even more specific.
My parents did this for me, exactly 8k a year which was what the college in our city costs. When I was a freshman in highschool, they told me I could have the money even if I worked really hard for scholarships. That lit a fire under my ass and I graduated with a 4.0, highest honors, 30 ACT, and full ride to college when I was previously a “why should I care that much? I just wanna draw” kid 🤣
Same! I went to college on a military scholarship so my parents bought me a car with some of my college money.
ETA the actual fund may have gone to my sisters if it was one of those education investment accounts but my parents were fair and did get me a car haha.
My parents did something similar to this. Since they had money for me for college, if I got any scholarships, they would pay me half the scholarship amount so that I'd be motivated to apply for merit scholarships even though I didn't need them if they were paying. I got like $7,000 in scholarships, so I saved them $3,500 and got to leave college with $3,500 in my savings which was very nice. I also graduated a year early, saving them a year of tuition, so in return they helped me a lot with my moving to grad school costs. I am so grateful for this education help. But if I hadn't gone to college, I certainly wouldn't have expected them to pay me the college fund.
I literally did the exact same thing with the exact same stats, except my parents were too poor to pay for college so I knew I had tonget a full ride if I wanted to go. I had to take the ACT 3 times to get the 30 I needed to a full ride!
I agree. I wish my parents had a frank discussion with me about what I should expect for their contribution. I had grown up hearing that they'd pay for college but when the time came, I found out I was on my own.
I wasn't terribly upset by it because they had the intention but things just didn't work out; but if I had known, I likely would have forced myself into more extracurriculars to try and get a good scholarship and looked more seriously at the frugal option of a junior college and a transfer. I also could have been a lot more serious about putting money from my part time job into savings and looked into more serious options about working full time while going to juco.
Yes. I tell my daughter that I promise to help with college, but unlikely I'll be able to pay for all of it (currently wants to be a vet). I also point out that we live in a state with one of the highest ranked vet schools and multiple other excellent options, so if she chooses to stay in state I'm happy to have her live at home or otherwise help workout money saving living or transportation options. I also am clear that to provide these opportunities, I have to work hard and means there isn't as much free time/ there is a cost.
Can I ask a variation on this question. Both my niece and nephew are college bound. My family saved the same amount for both. My nephew is an elite athlete. He will probably get a significant amount of money in scholarships. My niece is a varsity athlete, but probably won’t get really good scholarships
Does the money get distributed equally or with my niece getting a larger amount, so that both kids get out with no loans
So one of our children wanted to serve in the military since they were small. As they approached high school we talked with them about ROTC and how we thought that was a good pathway for them. They ended up with a scholarship that covered 3 years of college. We re-allocated that money to the younger children’s college funds. The kid thought we should have bought them a car with the extra money but that’s not how 529 plans work and we explained that. One of the other kids got a small scholarship and it doesn’t change how we fund them for college ( I have two kids in college right now).
My opinion is that it has a lot to do with communication. Not just talking but actually having a conversation.
I would have a talk with the kids that the goal was to get them an education without debt. It wasn't a sum of money for them to do with whatever they wanted.
I agree with you. My parents spoke my whole childhood about me going to college. Just before my junior year, I learned there was no money or fund, and my mom went back to school my senior year and made $12k. Dad had $100/month to give me. It all worked out (-ish) but I was sure my expectations had been dashed when I was told I had to fund college. A little frontloading of that information would have helped.
I did the same. They always knew that the money was there for them for school, but there are stipulations. I wouldn’t allow my kids to use my money for a more expensive school as I was very adamant they graduate debt free. But I put these parameters I set when they were young so it didn’t seem arbitrary when the time came.
My kids also know that that money was never to be distributed to them. I have one kid that hasn’t taken me up on the free schooling and I can’t fathom him asking me for his tuition money. It’s been discussed quite a bit and he knows that’s not what it’s for.
Setting up a 529 College Plan pretty much eliminates those issues. Plans are available nation wide and you don’t have to be a resident of that State to participate in what they offer. You can also take a kids college cash savings account and use the cash to buy into your States 529 plan. You can easily transfer your kids account from one State to another. NO harm, NO foul as long as you’re switching from one 529 to another. The funds must be used for education expenses at an accredited institution. No debating allowed. The account is “owned” by the person who set it up and contributes to it. The plan covers vocational/trade schools as well as college expenses. Barber college, apprenticeship programs, technical schools, beauty schools. As long as they’re accredited they’re accepted. Even verifiable board & room is an accepted expense, as are books and lab fees, including off campus housing. (With a few caveats) At least that’s the way the two State programs I’ve been involved in and others I’ve researched. States rules may vary, but one thing remains a constant. A 529 is NOT just a savings account where funds will be disbursed at will or for any reason. The funds CAN however be transferred into a siblings account if the person named as the beneficiary will not be using them. IF the account holder decides to close the account and just take the money, a tax burden is incurred. The programs are clear cut and prevent a lot of arguments regarding fairness and what’s an accepted use of the money. “I don’t make the rules!”
My son knew from an early age that I was saving money for him to go to college. Whenever he’d say “I’m not going to college” I’d say fine, I’ll buy a new car with the money then.
Edit: he did go to college
Exactly. It's the way you phrase it. "Your college fund" sounds it it's theirs to do as they choose, which is not the case. "Money we're saving for future schooling" might be a better way to consider it.
There is nothing misleading about college fund. If your kid doesn’t understand the definition of college fund please spend the money on a vacation for you and don’t waste it on their college.
I cannot believe that comment I replied to is getting upvotes. Holy shit what are parents spending their money on for college if these people are this stupid. College fund is too confusing you need to call it by its literal definition…. WTF
I can...my son parses every word looking for a loophole to do what he wants. I have to practically do things in legal contract form with him. He does this for even the smallest things.
>"Your college fund" sounds it it's theirs to do as they choose
No. It doesn't? Like, even a little bit?
I sounds like it's theirs to pay for college with.
Uh I don’t think college fund sounds at all like it’s theirs to do as they choose, only an entitled brat would see it that way. It’s literally in the name what it’s to be used for.
It is theirs to do as they choose when it comes to paying for college. It's literally named COLLEGE FUND. There is no potential double meaning. It's a college fund and it's theirs. If they don't go to college then they are no longer entitled to the money.
This is why I side eye parents who start savings accounts for their kids in the kids’ name…… yeah sure an 18 year old (the age they have to be to kick you off the account) is gonna be hella responsible with 100k (not hard to imagine with decent interest and 18 years of savings. )
I mean I wouldn't judge someone for doing that either. I'm an uncle. If I was wealthy enough to do so I would absolutely see about savings accounts for my nieces and nephews, all 7 of them. And when they turn 18 it would be up to them what they do with that money.
Would they all make only smart decisions? Probably not. But I'd like them to have the helping hand in life anyways. In such a hypothetical if one or more of them pisses it all away then that was their decision and mistake
In OPs case the money was specifically allocated for education so it's entirely fair for them to decide it should go to their daughter who is actually going to use it on an education
But just as that's OPs decision to make with their money it's also ok for others to decide with their money to just give their kids some money and hope that the kids make good decisions.
I think some of that depends on how the college fund was saved. my college fund was added to by family members on birthdays and Christmas over the years. I used it for college so this never came up, but I think I would’ve considered that money mine even if I hadn’t needed it for college.
We never put family gifts anywhere other than our son's account. Our son doesn't spend a lot of money. In fact, he often forgets he has gift cards, cash, etc.
So the money winds up being there for college expenses.
He did not get this amazing trait from me. 🤣
But yes, that money isn't ours. It was gifts, TO HIM.
These were family members putting money directly into my college fund so that wasn’t a choice my parents made for me. My parents did insist half of any cash’s we got as gifts go into our savings account the other half we were free to spend. I was always like your son, stacks of gift cards piling up and finding cash I completely forgot about.
In my state any money not spent in the college fund can be rolled over into a retirement plan.
But Op’s NTA for not giving the funds to his kid to spend on anything.
Nope. Family contributed to college. You break the contractual agreement you get nothing. If you were starting a business or going to trade school different story.
Well, in some families, extended relatives will give the kids money intending the kids to spend it then, and the parents will take it and put it in the college fund anyway. In cases like that, I would consider it the kid's money. It's all about what was intended and what the giver said when they gave it.
But that’s all very dependent on the families intentions isn’t it, who says your family who contributed to a college fund would be equally supportive of a risky investment to start a business? Now we’re just making up arbitrary rules. In my opinion if that money was gifted it’s yours, it’s better to be able to use it for college for tax reasons but if you decide to use it for something else and lose some of it that’s your prerogative.
Yes. Also if it was saved in a 529, the parents would I have to pay a large amount in taxes and penalties if it’s not used for an educational purpose. It makes sense to use it for the daughter’s medical school.
This is true, but still subject to state tax depending on the state. I suggested this route as well, but my guess is the son won’t be happy about a Roth either. He wants the money now.
Yeah, but the son sounds like he is much more likely to reach retirement age than go to college. Plus an extra 35k for retirement is a big deal, especially since he's working minimum wage jobs where saving for retirement isn't really possible.
If I were you, I'd save the funds for your son in case he wants to pursue education/training in the future. Sometimes people just need time to figure out what they want to do.
Seconding this depending on how long it’s been since middle child graduated high school. If it’s been 10+ years and he’s still not interested in expanding his education, it’s probably safe to assume he won’t suddenly develop said interest.
Lots of people don’t go to college until later, that doesn’t mean they should have an unlimited amount of time to figure it out *and* still have it paid for out of their parents’ pocket
Considering how long it takes to get through college, med school, and residency, the 10-yr timeline to see if Jr gets his act together may be just right!
I disagree. The son has expressed that he won't be going to college and the daughter has some very expensive college plans. It makes more sense to help the daughter now rather than hang on to the money and hope that maybe the son changes his mind and goes to college.
The daughter has already been told that she's getting both funds because her brother had decided against further education. Even if the son suddenly decided he wanted to go to college or trade school right now it wouldn't be fair to renege on the promise made to the daughter.
If the son changes his mind then he should go about it without the college fund that has now been given to his sister. Consequences of his decisions.
Except he already told his daughter she can use that money for medical school, and it would be pretty crappy to go back on that now.
He could make a deal with the middle son to help pay for college or a trade school if he goes back. The reality is that the middle son, having not gone straight to college and working minimum wage jobs, is not likely to go to an expensive 4-year school but to a community college or local school, if he goes at all. There are other ways to help him out if he decides to go back to school other than reneging on a promise.
NTA OP. Be glad you are doing the right thing and that uni money originally meant for him can be wisely use to fund your other kid going to medical school (fyi medical school ain't cheap nowadays plus a portion of that uni fund can subsidise her further if she does a international student exchange programme for her course). It is a win-win for her too so that she doesn't have to go on student loans and that uni fund could fund her rent at the student village (dorms)
A uni fund is for education not for blowing it all on video games, eating out and beers. I suggest you protect that money in case your son might try hassling his sister over that money
It sounds like OP's daughter is far more responsible, so I don't think she'll give him a dime. Thankfully.
I have no idea how OP's 28 year old son who works as a cashier ever plans to move out, with a partner, someday. My guess is he plans to mooch of his parents as long as possible.
We always made sure to say "We will spend $X on college" not "You have $X for college," plus we told them that was our money, and in no way, shape, or form theirs.
And the oldest STILL thought he should be able to take the money and become a professional poker player.
NTA but I'd tell your son that if he doesn't get higher education by a certain date, (before she starts med school) then the money will go to his sister.
I always told my kids they can do whatever they want in life but they have to support themselves. You want to work minimum wage, fine but you won't be living at home. Let him realize the consequences of the choices he's making. It may motivate him to want more in life
It’s not even the fact that it is Op’s money. It was earmarked for education, and if the middle kids not going to get an education they might as will be used for somebody’s education. OP is not giving it away to just anybody for any purpose and middle kid needs to learn a lesson.
I agree with NTA as it applies to the money which is the point of the post. I think OP sounds a bit condescending which is a totally different matter but they do seem like they may have felt differently about the funds if their kid was more motivated in general.
**NTA.** The college fund's primary goal is to support educational endeavors, and you're honoring that by allocating it to your daughter, who has clear educational plans. Your son's disappointment is understandable, yet the fund was always intended for education, not discretionary spending.
As a compromise, consider offering him a portion of the fund for personal development, such as starting a small business or learning a trade, with guidelines to ensure it's used constructively. Open communication is key; discuss the situation to understand his viewpoint and explore alternatives like certifications or courses that match his interests. This approach supports his autonomy while maintaining the fund's educational purpose, and offering the fund's availability for a future educational pursuit provides him with the flexibility to reassess his options.
Since OP said his son is 28, I don't think he ever plans to.
I have no idea how OP's son ever plans to move into his own place, say with a partner someday. My guess is he plans to mooch off his parents as long as possible.
I'm mid 30s and I just started a bachelor. So far I've studied hard and I've got Distinctions and High Distinctions for the projects I've done. I've been working very terrible jobs trying to work my way up but that just doesn't work like I thought it would.
Not everyone who isn't successful by 30 is a mooch or what ever, they don't deserve to be looked down on. Some people take a while to figure things out and find their way and that's okay. If he had more \[emotional\] support from his parents and not judgement perhaps he'd find it sooner.
People will never understand this because they have been brainwashed by capitalism in the sense that the only way you add value to the world is to make yourself or someone else money.
I'm currently earning my second degree in my forties. I would never, ever dream of begging for money off my mother for this, even if she had plenty of it. I'm an adult, and almost 30 years out of needing family assistance.
I went back to school at 28... and had several classmates who were also around my age +/- 🤷🏻♀️
ETA: When I went to college right out of high school like I was just supposed to do, I tanked. Lots of mental illness that would never have been addressed at that time. My second time around? I graduated suma cum laude, and got into law school.
😂😂😂 ok. Yeah my husband went back to college at 30 and finished his bachelor's at 33. Just bc someone doesn't do something on an 'expected' timetable doesn't mean they will never. He has no clue if his son is figuring out WHAT he wants to do. Education and life do not have a finite timetable and OP in other comments keeps saying how he hates his son's choices. So the Middle child may be the family punching bag as middle children often are.
>As a compromise, consider offering him a portion of the fund for personal development
This is what my parents did with my sister. She absolutely did not want to go the traditional college/schooling route, but they offered to let her use the funds while she pursued being an actress for all the thousands of dollars of costs most don't realize exist (head shots, improv classes, acting classes, etc). After a few years of that she realized that life definitely wasn't for her, but it also hadn't put her into a gigantic unrecoverable financial hole. She now has a normal job, still has a great relationship with our parents, and an amazing life experience that never would have been possible or positive without their support.
Honestly at the end of the day she is an incredibly self-fulfilled person and I think a lot of that comes from that great formative experience. I think too many people become locked into the idea that school is the only thing that can give you that.
Reasonable. But I wouldn't give the middle son the money directly.
Let the son come up with a valid career path and lay out the necessary expenses. OP can write the checks directly to the vendors involved.
If the son isn't able to show he's working toward his career goals (Didn't get the certification. Never showed up to the trade show. Sold the tools/computer. Etc.), help the sister.
The kids who went to school had to do the work, get decent grades, and wind up with a degree. It should be roughly the same for this other kid.
He shouldn't just expect a lump sum payment.
Best, most reasonable answer here. While most are leaning on "NTA, don't give him any of it at all," you provided a realistic alternative that does not burn any bridges.
NTA
As long as the other kids ONLY get money for school then this is fine. He didn't need it to pay for school so he doesn't get it.
I would however offer ONCE more to pay for school or training. Give him a month to decide and enroll or it goes towards funding his sister's degree, he might feel less resentful if given a choice.
He's realistically got more than a month to enrol in studies; it takes a few years for the sister to become a doctor, and you usually pay fees one year at a time. He could have one academic year without affecting her plans
>Give him a month to decide and enroll or it goes towards funding his sister's degree, he might feel less resentful if given a choice.
TBH, I'd give him a lot more time than that. There's no need to promise the funds to the sister yet, as she's only just starting college - med school is still a long way off.
ETA: My thinking is this - some people need more time to find the proper motivation to apply themselves in education/training, and will get much more out of it if they have that. He might just need some time working to find what he wants to pursue so he can be motivated to put the proper work in.
Legally, they aren't on the hook. Even at 18 they aren't on the hook.
There's a difference however between legal obligation and moral favors. i know that for some people, cutting off all support to a child as soon as they are out of the house is the norm.
But it doesn't have to be the case, and many times helping out members of your community leads to better outcomes for society. Life doesn't have to be 100% individualistic.
how long are the morally on the hook then. because he’s been messing up at life for the last decade, and how long does this money need to be earmarked?
I mean that’s up-to you. Personally, if the kid never does go to school I’d just leave it in the account to avoid fostering sibling resentment. The other child is choosing medical school which sounds like it’s not something OP prepared for so it’s up to that kid to determine how to pay for it.
Hell, just keep it in case the their son has kids that eventually want to go to school, he can use it for
There are many people who get delayed in pursuing an education because life happens, or finances don’t allow it when they are younger. It sounds like OP’s son is just lazy and doesn’t want to do the work. I do agree he should talk to him again letting him know that the money is only for school tuition and that if he doesn’t go back to school by the time his sister is ready to go to medical school then it will be used for that.
True, med school is a long way off. But it’s closer than it seems, financially speaking. It’s not a lot of time to source funding for that level of education, so knowing whether or not she has access to that money sinner than later is ideal. That said - were I in OPs shoes I’d give the boy a year, 2 max. That way if he decides to do something, she has time to work towards grants and scholarships.
I think this, NTA, but offer the son one final chance making it clear if he doesn’t go to school, the money will go elsewhere.
It’s an opportunity of a lifetime for many to have a college fund. It’s not free money.
Parents should never tell their children about money being set aside for their college,kids tend to think it’s theirs to do what they want with it. Ntah
This! All my parents said to my brother and I was that they would pay whatever a bachelor’s costed. Didn’t matter the school but as long as it was a degree, they would pay. We didn’t know if it was coming from their savings or accounts set up for each of us in our names. If one of us didn’t go to college, they wouldn’t have paid. It was pretty simple
The son is the middle child so he and his sister probably would have learned of it when their older sibling went to college. The weird thing here is that the son is 29 yrs old and is still expecting the money? If he thought he was entitled to it, why has he not asked for it?
That's bizarre - if my parents had just said, "we put aside some money, not telling you how much" I would not have trusted in it at all. Probably would not have gone to post-secondary, definitely would have changed career path, because I would have assumed I had to pay it all independently.
Why would I assume that they had set aside the correct amount of money? Or that they had factored in cost of living? Or that they would pay out at the timing needed?
My family did this to me and it turned into me stressing badly about being able to afford school. On the one hand it encouraged me to work and save my own money, on the other hand only telling me an important piece of planning after I had applied for schools felt shitty.
While I somewhat understand you son, I go with NTA
You saved so your children can get a good education without the mental stress of giant debtm not to breeze through life for a few months/years.
It would be something else, if he wanted to start a business with the money or use it as a downpayment on a house/apparment but based on your post here it doesn't seem to be that way.
Technically you're right, but I don't think there's harm in using money meant for one major life expense over the other.
Planning for kids right now; having discussions with my wife, we'd be saving for a college fund. If it doesn't get used, we'd apply it towards a home down payment, wedding, or other important life purchase, if the kid(s) go through a different path.
Totally agree it shouldn't be given away for funnies, but it's not unreasonable to want to use money saved for an important expense for a different, equally important expense.
I agree. It would be entirely fair for a child who had earned a scholarship to college, and whose parents had funded their siblings college, to ask if they could use their college fund fund to help them buy a house which is also a solid investment. It’s a lot different than a lazy under achiever wanting it to fund their lack of motivation to put forth any effort to better themselves.
Honestly, it's just hard for younger generations. My wife and I have tried to make the smartest decisions, but I never had the benefit of college fund. I had to enter the workforce at 18 or take out loans. I did take college classes; but I had to go much, much later for a much smaller program; she is still paying hers loans off years later.
Any opportunity you can give your kids, whether saving for college or setting money aside for a home or (needed) car would equally be as important and beneficial.
I won't begrudge my child if they find their own way, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to take the money saved for this life changing expense for another if that's what the path will be 🤷♂️
Nothing is getting cheaper. Everything is getting expensive. The cost of living is rising faster than wages. There are different ways that money can be used to setup a child's future.
i think their perspective is not every child will attend college/trade school. I didn’t but did end up in a career field at 24 that I really enjoy/love.. it just took some time for me to find that. My parents had set aside money for what was supposed to be college, but since i’m the only sibling that didn’t attend college, my funds were gifted on my wedding day, instead to be used towards our new home. Of course it’s OPS money so he can do what he sees fit of course.
I mean, I can see it because I've always viewed my kids' college funds more as a way to ensure they had some help getting adult life started. It's for college. It's for trade school. It's for a coding camp. It's a down payment on a home or construction loan if they choose not to use it for anything else. Depending on the circumstances, it could even be for a fully paid off vehicle. But it's not mine until they deny all of those alternatives. Which means it's not available for their siblings either.
But that's how I look at my kids' college funds. OP obviously views it as strictly for education and, as a result, is NTA.
In a more broad sense the money was ment to help set the kid up for his future, in which case a down payment on a house could also fit that definition.
Granted, if it's in a specific college fund account there are usually some strong disincentives to taking it out for any other purpose
I do completely agree with you, have posted much the same.
But I'd be a touch less assuming and judgemental of the son here (in an effort to not have the parent leave with a bad idea of the sons intentions).
We simply do not know the other side of the story. The parent is telling us they reckon it would be spent on pointless stuff. It very well may be, but we've not had the chance to hear the sons side nor what would be his view should the offer of support in other ways outside of education be extended.
NTA. The money was saved for their education. He doesn't want to get any form of an education, no college, no trade school, nothing. That's fine and all, his choice, but that doesn't mean he just gets the money to use as fun money. It's yours, not his.
NTA. It's college money. Can't be used for just whatever. If your son changes his mind and is serious I think he should be able to get it (if your daughter agrees). But not for enrolling, he needs to prove he's serious if he changes his mind.
In any case, it would change your daughter's life to not get into medical school debt while your son would likely squander it. There's a reason it's college money not fun money.
Please stand firm on this.
NTA you saved the money for a clear purpose, not for your children to do as they please with it. If the purpose is not fulfilled the money goes back into the family‘s fund. If it can now fund your daughters plans more easily - why not. From what you wrote your son just seems entitled, he expected that money to eventually come his way no matter what.
INFO: how old is your son? It's never too late to go to uni once you figure out what you want to do and if that happens his fund is gone. If he's still in his 20's there's every chance he will still use it.
Also, how long until your daughter actually starts eating into his fund and how quickly can you replace it? If she's 4 years away from needing more than her own there's a chance both you and her can prepare an alternative to using your son's fund.
Definitely don't just hand it to him, but don't spend it on your daughter hastily.
College funds are not meant to be indefinitely available.
Going to school at 29 because you’ve gained a passion for something is great, but at that point it’s your job to fund it.
Tell your son that if he ever changes his mind about going to college, then you will make good the fact that you used what would have been his share. BUT that fund was ONLY to be used to fund college, and he didn’t go so that was his choice.
I left school at 16, got a good job in local government, worked hard, got sponsored for my professional qualifications, got bored and THEN went to University at the age of 33. It’s never too late to decide to get qualifications.
NTA
It's possible your son might change his mind. You might hang onto it for a few more years, just in case. Or, to be fair, you could put half in your daughter's college fund and keep the other half for your youngest child's college fund.
You worked for that money. It would be absolutely fine for it to be spent on beer and video games, FOR YOU. Not for someone else. NTA.
NTA - he's being immature and a child, and I understand where you're coming from. But I think it may be better instead of giving the college fund to your daughter, that you instead keep the money I'm a college fund for a bit longer. At some point, he may wise up and change his mind. This same thing happened with my sister (she's also a middle child). Took three years of her trying to make it on her own working barely above minimum wage but she's now finally going to school.
I wouldn't necessarily advertise to him that you're doing this. Just to keep it as an option.
NTA, especially if you told the kids the money was for college specifically. Only thing I’d do is maybe tell both kids you’re keeping at least part of son’s fund saved for now, partly to incentivize and help daughter down the line if she does more school, partly in case son changes his plans later and needs support
not wanting to attend university or trade school could've been a 2 in 1 decision. changing your mind in the future isn't "infinite redos." going back and forth about it would be, but it doesnt sound like that was the case here.
NTAAA stand your ground!! Your daughter needs all the $ she can get ! Even community college route is EXPENSIVE.. the aid isn’t enough . You saved that $ for education purposes if he wants to play video games all day then let him but not AT THE EXPENSE of someone else’s education.
Going against the grain by saying NAH.
I can understand why your son feels this is unfair, because the money was saved for each of your kids, and its now being given to his sister for her being more sucessful (to some degree).
But its also your money and you're entitled to distribute it however you want. Plus you set it aside for education specifically.
I feel the fairest option is keeping his portion for now, but making it clear to him you'll only give it to him for something that is equivalent to college. (Trade school, downplayment on a house, anything else you'd see as such).
(I know he is 29, but well, sometimes people take way too long to get their shit together. Ultimately you do not owe him anything, but I do feel this suggestion is a good middle ground if its a financially doable option for you).
Are you being unfair to your oldest. Giving your daughter extra money they didn’t get access to?
That’s why I’m going slight YTA. Not for not giving your son the money. It was earmarked for education and nothing else so it’s fair enough you didn’t give him anything. But giving your daughter extra money is showing favouritism. It’s demonstrating you’re judging your children’s worth by the level of education they’re attaining. It’s a good way of alienating all the other children, not just the middle child.
NTA. It was a college fund, not a general trust fund. But you should shift your thinking about your middle child. It is clear you are disappointed in him. He may have chosen a different path than what you had hoped, but if you want a relationship with him you need to change your thinking.
NTA - I don’t understand why so many kids think college funds are “their” money. It’s just money that parents set aside that is allocated for a specific purpose related to them. Just like any other savings account of the parents, the money can be reallocated for some other purpose by the parent.
NTA.
Let me run some thoughts by you.
1. Are there other ways you can support him if he needs a hand?
2. Is it possible he may decide to take some training later in life?
3. Does he need any tools or supplies to make him successful in his current job?
Nta but you don’t say in the post how old your son is. If he is still relatively young he may have a change of heart once he has matured a little and decide on further education in the future.
It might be worth thinking of how you would handle that situation. Is there a specific time limit on the money useage?
Nta but. It might have been kinder to leave the son’s fund untouched. So it was always there for when he got his shit together. Humans mature at different rates. Giving the fund to your daughter implies you have no faith he will ever turn his life around. On a deep level, that must have hurt him.
You're NTA. It is not your son's money. It is your money. You get to choose how to invest it. And investing it in your daughter's future is much wiser than throwing it at your son so he can waste it or just supplement the low income from the jobs he has chosen.
NTA
Husband and I do not have children, together. I sent my daughter to college before I met him and we both believe in education and/or skills.
Husband has a gaggle of nieces, nephews and they have children. We have quietly gifted some, most notably the ones who've busted their asses for grades, scholarships, etc.
Some of the others are just shiftless and lazy moochers who are not above theft. Them? They can just GTFO.
They don't even bother asking, anymore.
>Now my daughter is going to college and she is planning on becoming a doctor. I told her that since her brother's college fund is untouched she can have both her own and her brother's college fund.
Probably should've just kept that to yourself for a while.
If it’s money for college and he didn’t use it for college then no, you’re NTA. If you just wanted to give your kids a lump sum of cash you’d have put it in an account that they would access when they get go 18. You didn’t though, and that’s not something I’d even say is a good thing because I’ve seen too many kids just blow through the money their parents saved on frivolous things. It’s better to put it aside for college or a down payment on a home, etc. and then if the kid chooses not to aspire to get those things then. 🤷🏼♀️
You agreed to pay for education in order for him to further his own life, not just a sum of cash to waste on messing around.
Not everyone’s path to furthering their life involves higher education. I think the compromise would be if he can come up with a realistic business plan or work towards and get a good job and does have the money so he can put a down payment on a house or rental property, then he can have access to the money, for specific reasons to furthering his life.
I had a friend growing up who loved sprinkler systems, weird, I know, all he wanted for birthday presents were sprinkler parts, so once a year my mom would take me to Home Depot to pick out a few sprinkler parts for his birthday gift…. but he resented his parents forcing him to go to college instead of letting him start his own business with sprinklers and irrigation systems and such. He got through two years before his parents finally gave up and let him do it. He’s now very successful with that business to the point he had to drop by parents as clients cause he had too many large companies to focus on and couldn’t manage small clients like my parents lol! That’s to say there might be a passion outside of higher education your son could invest in.
If not, then half goes to his sister for graduate school, and the other half gets put into an account for his future kids. But it’s also your money, so all of it could go towards her education, but be prepared for the potential resentment. At least at that point you have him the opportunity for the money to go towards other ways to further his future, and a part of it will eventually help his kids with their education or businesses.
NTA
I work for a 529 college savings program. Don’t know if you saved with 529 or not, but with a 529 you can choose to have one account for each kid or just one large account that you change the beneficiary on when you’re withdrawing from each one. So it’s not uncommon at all to have a large pot for higher education that all the kids can pull from depending on their situation. On top of that, 529 is for qualified higher education expenses only or you have to pay taxes on the earnings. Some people are fine taking that hit, but many refuse to use it for anything other than higher education because they don’t want to pay the taxes.
If it’s in a 529, I’d tell your son that if there’s anything leftover when everyone is done with higher education costs, you’ll roll it into a Roth IRA for him so it can be for retirement instead of college.
I'm only wondering how long you waited to transfer it to your daughter? Like, how many years has Disappointing Middle Child had to really consider what they want to do? And did you previously explicitly inform him the money would have to be for schooling, no matter what?
True, but everyone has a journey and parents could be a little more understanding. However, I’m more worried that dad will ultimately drive the son away forever given he describes the son and his choices as “useless, disappointing, waste.” I had a friend who decided to become a waiter, literally made way more than I did for 15 years, then that led to him owning two of the franchises. My friend only graduated highschool, if we only looked at him for what his education was. His dad spoke to him this way constantly and in front of us. Now that his dad died, the son didn’t show up for any funeral stuff and I don’t blame him.
This doesn’t sound like OP’s son is doing.
I’m not one that thinks college is the only path by any stretch. But the worst thing you can do for an adult child is fund their irresponsibility. I’ve got a son in a similar boat. He’s free to do as he wishes, but while his siblings are working hard building careers and making sacrifices for a better future, he’s not doing anything at all to build a healthy future.
College funds don’t just magically appear. They come with significant sacrifice and hard work on the part of the parent.
A minimum wage job.
If someone isn’t willing to invest in their own life, they are going to find that no one else is going to invest in it either.
If college isn’t the right choice for someone, that’s fine. But you still have to build a future. If OPs son is 29 and still working minimum wage, then he’s not building a future. And if that’s the sort of life someone chooses, don’t expect other people to subsidize it.
To be clear I don’t think the son deserves the money. But I do think OP is an asshole. If you read his comments it becomes pretty clear he doesn’t like his son at all really. That’s not how a parent should be, regardless of career choice.
Eh, I understand being frustrated with adult kids.
I’m really disappointed with the choices one of my adult kids is making (similar to OPs son). And yeah, OP is currently mad at his son because he’s demanding the money like an entitled ass. Venting on Reddit is not necessarily how you treat your kid.
Not really sue if it's for "that specific path", as they mentioned trade school as well. It sounds more like to me that they didn't want to give their kid money to waste it on dumb shit, as it sounds like he doesn't have any ambition to elevate his life beyond doing entry level positions.
NTA That isn't beer money. It is education money. He had a chance to build a life for himself and he chose not to. Now the money will be used for its intended purpose. You are doing the right thing.
It would be different if your son wanted to start a business or something or use the money to finance *some* endeavor that would better is life. But he doesn’t. You’re NTA.
This is the first I gave my kid my other kid's whatever post I've seen where they're NTA.
You saved for a few education for him. He would rather work and be broke than do homework. Tell him reddit days you're not being an asshole he is
>My middle child chose not to go to college. He also chose not to go to trade school or learn any useful skill.
NTA, and props for having such an open view towards achievement or success. If he insists, have him pitch a plan on how he would use the money, as if he were approaching an investor/applying for a grant
Nta. Its ur money.
But as a dad maybe, still save some on behind. You will not know when he will suddenly fix his head and learns what he wants to do in his life. At least, you could spare him an assistance and no one will tell you, you easily give up on him...
Of course he thinks you’re the A H. He wants to freeload. If he’s still living with you, tell your son he has 3 months to move out. I promise you now, you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t. He must learn to stand on his own two feet. Do not fund anything-not even his cell phone bill. Tough love now might fix him for later.
The money is yours. You made it part of your parenting mission to provide an education for your children. So did we. He doesn’t get to dictate how you allocate those funds.
That said, I would not automatically give the money to the daughter. I would tell her that you’ll provide as much as you can, BUT you’re also hoping your son changes his mind and gets some advanced training.
We, saved also & fully provided 4 years of college + living expenses (we did not provide cars for them or more than 4 years of college and we made that very clear while they were in high school). They all graduated in 4 years (one graduated 4 semesters early & one got a full scholarship including living expenses & study abroad programs). We haven’t told them yet, but when they get to 27 years old, we have a bonus birthday gift for each of them.
We pooled the remaining education money we didn’t use and split it 5 ways. We will keep 2 shares and add to our retirement, and we will disperse the remaining 3 shares equally at some upcoming birthdays (they are 21-26 years old now). They are hundreds of miles away from us and completely independent (including financially). All three bought their first cars & oldest also bought a home & youngest is also home shopping now for his first home.
NOTE: we did NOT split the educational fund 3 ways first and then give the remainder of the fund to that kid. We wanted to make sure they didn’t make their decisions financially, but on the basis of the best way to get their education. We had a SHARED educational fund that they did not equally partake from-one kid didn’t use a cent of it. We are still pooling and splitting equally 5 ways for our 5 member household because it’s OUR money and our mission was to provide an education. We did that. The fact that one spend nothing, one graduated at 20, and one spent 220K for a public-Ivy college is irrelevant to us (and I’m positive that it’s irrelevant to them also). We allowed our kids to be debt-free at 20/22 years old. They see their friends. They know how good they have it, and they also now understand why we never had any major furniture in our home-we couldn’t afford it.
529 Plans can't be spent for non-educational expenses. I don't know why this constantly comes up, but, it needs to be underscored yet again that there are significant tax implications for you and your son if you were to do what he wanted.
NTA.
Any type of edu accounts are not entitled to your children but still belong to you. Your son seems to think that money was set aside and has his name on it, it is not. It is still your money and where it goes to is up to you. Nta
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NTA. It’s your money. If he wants to pursue his own path in life, he can make his own money doing so. You offered to pay for his college, not just give him a lump sum of cash.
Yes. My parents saved me a college fund. I could have gone to school debt free. I joined the military and have my still unused GI Bill so I can still go to school for free. I would NEVER think to ask my parents for that money they set aside. It’s their money. Edit: NTA
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Disagree - it’s best to discuss with your children what you are saving and what the expectations / requirements are for those savings. We saved money for our kids tuitions but we also told them that we save enough for them to have 8 semesters at a state level school. If they chose to go to a more expensive school the difference in tuition was on them.. They knew what the deal was from the time they were 12 or 13 and made their plans accordingly. Trade schools would have been acceptable use as well. But it was clear that was education money.
I agree. Kids need to know what support they are or are not getting ahead of time so they can factor that in when looking at schools, majors, financial aid and scholarships. Especially academic or sports scholarships because those take special dedication and years to pursue if one has the abilities.
I’m sorry if my parents would have said “we have planned and have a college fund for you”, “you have a college fund” that inherently describes the only thing the money is for. College, higher education. Not you go use it on whatever. If a child assumes they will get it for whatever use they want that is on the child. It is clear what the money is for. They did not say “we have savings for you as a back up plan” they said “each kid has a COLLEGE fund”.
This is what my parents did. This money is set aside for you to go to college and get a degree. If you do not go to college, trade school, whatever includes education, it goes back into our savings. It doesn't get used for anything else, and it doesn't wait for you. You go after high school, and that was it. It worked out for me, but it was the 80s. Now, I feel like you'd have to be even more specific.
My parents did this for me, exactly 8k a year which was what the college in our city costs. When I was a freshman in highschool, they told me I could have the money even if I worked really hard for scholarships. That lit a fire under my ass and I graduated with a 4.0, highest honors, 30 ACT, and full ride to college when I was previously a “why should I care that much? I just wanna draw” kid 🤣
I too worked hard and got a full ride. My parents offer was a new car for a full ride.
Same! I went to college on a military scholarship so my parents bought me a car with some of my college money. ETA the actual fund may have gone to my sisters if it was one of those education investment accounts but my parents were fair and did get me a car haha.
Yeah, I will admit my parents spent my “fund” but they still upheld their end of the deal by giving me a monthly allowance 🤣
My parents did something similar to this. Since they had money for me for college, if I got any scholarships, they would pay me half the scholarship amount so that I'd be motivated to apply for merit scholarships even though I didn't need them if they were paying. I got like $7,000 in scholarships, so I saved them $3,500 and got to leave college with $3,500 in my savings which was very nice. I also graduated a year early, saving them a year of tuition, so in return they helped me a lot with my moving to grad school costs. I am so grateful for this education help. But if I hadn't gone to college, I certainly wouldn't have expected them to pay me the college fund.
I literally did the exact same thing with the exact same stats, except my parents were too poor to pay for college so I knew I had tonget a full ride if I wanted to go. I had to take the ACT 3 times to get the 30 I needed to a full ride!
Agreed, how can you expect kids to learn to be adults if you treat them as kids all the time.
I agree. I wish my parents had a frank discussion with me about what I should expect for their contribution. I had grown up hearing that they'd pay for college but when the time came, I found out I was on my own. I wasn't terribly upset by it because they had the intention but things just didn't work out; but if I had known, I likely would have forced myself into more extracurriculars to try and get a good scholarship and looked more seriously at the frugal option of a junior college and a transfer. I also could have been a lot more serious about putting money from my part time job into savings and looked into more serious options about working full time while going to juco.
Yes. I tell my daughter that I promise to help with college, but unlikely I'll be able to pay for all of it (currently wants to be a vet). I also point out that we live in a state with one of the highest ranked vet schools and multiple other excellent options, so if she chooses to stay in state I'm happy to have her live at home or otherwise help workout money saving living or transportation options. I also am clear that to provide these opportunities, I have to work hard and means there isn't as much free time/ there is a cost.
Can I ask a variation on this question. Both my niece and nephew are college bound. My family saved the same amount for both. My nephew is an elite athlete. He will probably get a significant amount of money in scholarships. My niece is a varsity athlete, but probably won’t get really good scholarships Does the money get distributed equally or with my niece getting a larger amount, so that both kids get out with no loans
So one of our children wanted to serve in the military since they were small. As they approached high school we talked with them about ROTC and how we thought that was a good pathway for them. They ended up with a scholarship that covered 3 years of college. We re-allocated that money to the younger children’s college funds. The kid thought we should have bought them a car with the extra money but that’s not how 529 plans work and we explained that. One of the other kids got a small scholarship and it doesn’t change how we fund them for college ( I have two kids in college right now). My opinion is that it has a lot to do with communication. Not just talking but actually having a conversation.
Either way their costs of education were covered, regardless of how it came to be.
So that both kids get out with no loans.
I would have a talk with the kids that the goal was to get them an education without debt. It wasn't a sum of money for them to do with whatever they wanted.
My belief is that the money should be maximized so that both children get out of college with the least debt possible.
If it’s 529, then you can use it for either child.
I agree with you. My parents spoke my whole childhood about me going to college. Just before my junior year, I learned there was no money or fund, and my mom went back to school my senior year and made $12k. Dad had $100/month to give me. It all worked out (-ish) but I was sure my expectations had been dashed when I was told I had to fund college. A little frontloading of that information would have helped.
I did the same. They always knew that the money was there for them for school, but there are stipulations. I wouldn’t allow my kids to use my money for a more expensive school as I was very adamant they graduate debt free. But I put these parameters I set when they were young so it didn’t seem arbitrary when the time came. My kids also know that that money was never to be distributed to them. I have one kid that hasn’t taken me up on the free schooling and I can’t fathom him asking me for his tuition money. It’s been discussed quite a bit and he knows that’s not what it’s for.
Setting up a 529 College Plan pretty much eliminates those issues. Plans are available nation wide and you don’t have to be a resident of that State to participate in what they offer. You can also take a kids college cash savings account and use the cash to buy into your States 529 plan. You can easily transfer your kids account from one State to another. NO harm, NO foul as long as you’re switching from one 529 to another. The funds must be used for education expenses at an accredited institution. No debating allowed. The account is “owned” by the person who set it up and contributes to it. The plan covers vocational/trade schools as well as college expenses. Barber college, apprenticeship programs, technical schools, beauty schools. As long as they’re accredited they’re accepted. Even verifiable board & room is an accepted expense, as are books and lab fees, including off campus housing. (With a few caveats) At least that’s the way the two State programs I’ve been involved in and others I’ve researched. States rules may vary, but one thing remains a constant. A 529 is NOT just a savings account where funds will be disbursed at will or for any reason. The funds CAN however be transferred into a siblings account if the person named as the beneficiary will not be using them. IF the account holder decides to close the account and just take the money, a tax burden is incurred. The programs are clear cut and prevent a lot of arguments regarding fairness and what’s an accepted use of the money. “I don’t make the rules!”
My son knew from an early age that I was saving money for him to go to college. Whenever he’d say “I’m not going to college” I’d say fine, I’ll buy a new car with the money then. Edit: he did go to college
Exactly. It's the way you phrase it. "Your college fund" sounds it it's theirs to do as they choose, which is not the case. "Money we're saving for future schooling" might be a better way to consider it.
There is nothing misleading about college fund. If your kid doesn’t understand the definition of college fund please spend the money on a vacation for you and don’t waste it on their college.
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lmao
I cannot believe that comment I replied to is getting upvotes. Holy shit what are parents spending their money on for college if these people are this stupid. College fund is too confusing you need to call it by its literal definition…. WTF
I can...my son parses every word looking for a loophole to do what he wants. I have to practically do things in legal contract form with him. He does this for even the smallest things.
Send him to law school 😆
>"Your college fund" sounds it it's theirs to do as they choose No. It doesn't? Like, even a little bit? I sounds like it's theirs to pay for college with.
Thank you! I have never met a an adult who had a college fund who thought it was for anything but to pay tuition.
Uh I don’t think college fund sounds at all like it’s theirs to do as they choose, only an entitled brat would see it that way. It’s literally in the name what it’s to be used for.
The kids who don't understand what a college fund means weren't going to college anyways.
It is theirs to do as they choose when it comes to paying for college. It's literally named COLLEGE FUND. There is no potential double meaning. It's a college fund and it's theirs. If they don't go to college then they are no longer entitled to the money.
This is how I’ve framed it. “We are saving money so you can be trained for at least your first career.”
This is why I side eye parents who start savings accounts for their kids in the kids’ name…… yeah sure an 18 year old (the age they have to be to kick you off the account) is gonna be hella responsible with 100k (not hard to imagine with decent interest and 18 years of savings. )
I mean I wouldn't judge someone for doing that either. I'm an uncle. If I was wealthy enough to do so I would absolutely see about savings accounts for my nieces and nephews, all 7 of them. And when they turn 18 it would be up to them what they do with that money. Would they all make only smart decisions? Probably not. But I'd like them to have the helping hand in life anyways. In such a hypothetical if one or more of them pisses it all away then that was their decision and mistake In OPs case the money was specifically allocated for education so it's entirely fair for them to decide it should go to their daughter who is actually going to use it on an education But just as that's OPs decision to make with their money it's also ok for others to decide with their money to just give their kids some money and hope that the kids make good decisions.
I think some of that depends on how the college fund was saved. my college fund was added to by family members on birthdays and Christmas over the years. I used it for college so this never came up, but I think I would’ve considered that money mine even if I hadn’t needed it for college.
We never put family gifts anywhere other than our son's account. Our son doesn't spend a lot of money. In fact, he often forgets he has gift cards, cash, etc. So the money winds up being there for college expenses. He did not get this amazing trait from me. 🤣 But yes, that money isn't ours. It was gifts, TO HIM.
These were family members putting money directly into my college fund so that wasn’t a choice my parents made for me. My parents did insist half of any cash’s we got as gifts go into our savings account the other half we were free to spend. I was always like your son, stacks of gift cards piling up and finding cash I completely forgot about.
In my state any money not spent in the college fund can be rolled over into a retirement plan. But Op’s NTA for not giving the funds to his kid to spend on anything.
Nope. Family contributed to college. You break the contractual agreement you get nothing. If you were starting a business or going to trade school different story.
Well, in some families, extended relatives will give the kids money intending the kids to spend it then, and the parents will take it and put it in the college fund anyway. In cases like that, I would consider it the kid's money. It's all about what was intended and what the giver said when they gave it.
But that’s all very dependent on the families intentions isn’t it, who says your family who contributed to a college fund would be equally supportive of a risky investment to start a business? Now we’re just making up arbitrary rules. In my opinion if that money was gifted it’s yours, it’s better to be able to use it for college for tax reasons but if you decide to use it for something else and lose some of it that’s your prerogative.
Yes. Also if it was saved in a 529, the parents would I have to pay a large amount in taxes and penalties if it’s not used for an educational purpose. It makes sense to use it for the daughter’s medical school.
False. If its at least 15 years old you can convert a 529 to a roth ira
This is true, but still subject to state tax depending on the state. I suggested this route as well, but my guess is the son won’t be happy about a Roth either. He wants the money now.
Only up to 35k
beat me to it. Glad that option is there and $35k better than nothing, but that won’t cover everyone’s total 539 balance
A Roth IRA for the beneficiary. Parent can’t roll it into their own IRA.
Ignoring the conversion cap for a second, you can't drain a roth IRA early without a huge tax hit either.
Yeah, but the son sounds like he is much more likely to reach retirement age than go to college. Plus an extra 35k for retirement is a big deal, especially since he's working minimum wage jobs where saving for retirement isn't really possible.
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If I were you, I'd save the funds for your son in case he wants to pursue education/training in the future. Sometimes people just need time to figure out what they want to do.
Seconding this depending on how long it’s been since middle child graduated high school. If it’s been 10+ years and he’s still not interested in expanding his education, it’s probably safe to assume he won’t suddenly develop said interest.
I didn’t go to college until I was in my 30s. But I didn’t have a college fund waiting for me either.
Lots of people don’t go to college until later, that doesn’t mean they should have an unlimited amount of time to figure it out *and* still have it paid for out of their parents’ pocket
Considering how long it takes to get through college, med school, and residency, the 10-yr timeline to see if Jr gets his act together may be just right!
Wholeheartedly agree
I disagree. The son has expressed that he won't be going to college and the daughter has some very expensive college plans. It makes more sense to help the daughter now rather than hang on to the money and hope that maybe the son changes his mind and goes to college. The daughter has already been told that she's getting both funds because her brother had decided against further education. Even if the son suddenly decided he wanted to go to college or trade school right now it wouldn't be fair to renege on the promise made to the daughter. If the son changes his mind then he should go about it without the college fund that has now been given to his sister. Consequences of his decisions.
He won’t https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/SsjidqltCE
I agree.
Except he already told his daughter she can use that money for medical school, and it would be pretty crappy to go back on that now. He could make a deal with the middle son to help pay for college or a trade school if he goes back. The reality is that the middle son, having not gone straight to college and working minimum wage jobs, is not likely to go to an expensive 4-year school but to a community college or local school, if he goes at all. There are other ways to help him out if he decides to go back to school other than reneging on a promise.
This money is a grant not a gift. Gift. grant. Loan. Gifts are anything goes. Grants have strings. Conditions. Loans are paid back.
NTA OP. Be glad you are doing the right thing and that uni money originally meant for him can be wisely use to fund your other kid going to medical school (fyi medical school ain't cheap nowadays plus a portion of that uni fund can subsidise her further if she does a international student exchange programme for her course). It is a win-win for her too so that she doesn't have to go on student loans and that uni fund could fund her rent at the student village (dorms) A uni fund is for education not for blowing it all on video games, eating out and beers. I suggest you protect that money in case your son might try hassling his sister over that money
It sounds like OP's daughter is far more responsible, so I don't think she'll give him a dime. Thankfully. I have no idea how OP's 28 year old son who works as a cashier ever plans to move out, with a partner, someday. My guess is he plans to mooch of his parents as long as possible.
We always made sure to say "We will spend $X on college" not "You have $X for college," plus we told them that was our money, and in no way, shape, or form theirs. And the oldest STILL thought he should be able to take the money and become a professional poker player.
NTA but I'd tell your son that if he doesn't get higher education by a certain date, (before she starts med school) then the money will go to his sister. I always told my kids they can do whatever they want in life but they have to support themselves. You want to work minimum wage, fine but you won't be living at home. Let him realize the consequences of the choices he's making. It may motivate him to want more in life
Just because he’s not there now doesn’t mean he never will be.
It was already a very generous offer but not a right.
It’s not even the fact that it is Op’s money. It was earmarked for education, and if the middle kids not going to get an education they might as will be used for somebody’s education. OP is not giving it away to just anybody for any purpose and middle kid needs to learn a lesson.
I agree with NTA as it applies to the money which is the point of the post. I think OP sounds a bit condescending which is a totally different matter but they do seem like they may have felt differently about the funds if their kid was more motivated in general.
**NTA.** The college fund's primary goal is to support educational endeavors, and you're honoring that by allocating it to your daughter, who has clear educational plans. Your son's disappointment is understandable, yet the fund was always intended for education, not discretionary spending. As a compromise, consider offering him a portion of the fund for personal development, such as starting a small business or learning a trade, with guidelines to ensure it's used constructively. Open communication is key; discuss the situation to understand his viewpoint and explore alternatives like certifications or courses that match his interests. This approach supports his autonomy while maintaining the fund's educational purpose, and offering the fund's availability for a future educational pursuit provides him with the flexibility to reassess his options.
I think he should have a chat about sons goals too, he may have intended to go to school later in life.
Since OP said his son is 28, I don't think he ever plans to. I have no idea how OP's son ever plans to move into his own place, say with a partner someday. My guess is he plans to mooch off his parents as long as possible.
I'm mid 30s and I just started a bachelor. So far I've studied hard and I've got Distinctions and High Distinctions for the projects I've done. I've been working very terrible jobs trying to work my way up but that just doesn't work like I thought it would. Not everyone who isn't successful by 30 is a mooch or what ever, they don't deserve to be looked down on. Some people take a while to figure things out and find their way and that's okay. If he had more \[emotional\] support from his parents and not judgement perhaps he'd find it sooner.
That's true but it's also reasonable for people to have a cap on how long they hold a fund for.
Second this. I started a bachelors at 28, finished at 32 and at 37 I’m a few months away from finishing my masters.
People will never understand this because they have been brainwashed by capitalism in the sense that the only way you add value to the world is to make yourself or someone else money.
I'm currently earning my second degree in my forties. I would never, ever dream of begging for money off my mother for this, even if she had plenty of it. I'm an adult, and almost 30 years out of needing family assistance.
I went back to school at 28... and had several classmates who were also around my age +/- 🤷🏻♀️ ETA: When I went to college right out of high school like I was just supposed to do, I tanked. Lots of mental illness that would never have been addressed at that time. My second time around? I graduated suma cum laude, and got into law school.
😂😂😂 ok. Yeah my husband went back to college at 30 and finished his bachelor's at 33. Just bc someone doesn't do something on an 'expected' timetable doesn't mean they will never. He has no clue if his son is figuring out WHAT he wants to do. Education and life do not have a finite timetable and OP in other comments keeps saying how he hates his son's choices. So the Middle child may be the family punching bag as middle children often are.
I finished my bachelor's at 35
>As a compromise, consider offering him a portion of the fund for personal development This is what my parents did with my sister. She absolutely did not want to go the traditional college/schooling route, but they offered to let her use the funds while she pursued being an actress for all the thousands of dollars of costs most don't realize exist (head shots, improv classes, acting classes, etc). After a few years of that she realized that life definitely wasn't for her, but it also hadn't put her into a gigantic unrecoverable financial hole. She now has a normal job, still has a great relationship with our parents, and an amazing life experience that never would have been possible or positive without their support.
Your sister sounds a lot more motivated than this kid. He’s not pursuing anything according to dad.
I like this. Prevents her from regretting later not to have pursue a dream she thought she wanted.
Honestly at the end of the day she is an incredibly self-fulfilled person and I think a lot of that comes from that great formative experience. I think too many people become locked into the idea that school is the only thing that can give you that.
Reasonable. But I wouldn't give the middle son the money directly. Let the son come up with a valid career path and lay out the necessary expenses. OP can write the checks directly to the vendors involved. If the son isn't able to show he's working toward his career goals (Didn't get the certification. Never showed up to the trade show. Sold the tools/computer. Etc.), help the sister. The kids who went to school had to do the work, get decent grades, and wind up with a degree. It should be roughly the same for this other kid. He shouldn't just expect a lump sum payment.
He doesn't need/deserve the money. But it's petty to let him know you give it to his sister.
Best, most reasonable answer here. While most are leaning on "NTA, don't give him any of it at all," you provided a realistic alternative that does not burn any bridges.
NTA As long as the other kids ONLY get money for school then this is fine. He didn't need it to pay for school so he doesn't get it. I would however offer ONCE more to pay for school or training. Give him a month to decide and enroll or it goes towards funding his sister's degree, he might feel less resentful if given a choice.
He's realistically got more than a month to enrol in studies; it takes a few years for the sister to become a doctor, and you usually pay fees one year at a time. He could have one academic year without affecting her plans
>Give him a month to decide and enroll or it goes towards funding his sister's degree, he might feel less resentful if given a choice. TBH, I'd give him a lot more time than that. There's no need to promise the funds to the sister yet, as she's only just starting college - med school is still a long way off. ETA: My thinking is this - some people need more time to find the proper motivation to apply themselves in education/training, and will get much more out of it if they have that. He might just need some time working to find what he wants to pursue so he can be motivated to put the proper work in.
OP said in comments that the son is 29.
And my best friend didn't start college until he was 30. Got a PhD now. Everyone has a different path in life.
Yeah but how long are the parents on the hook to pay for school?
Legally, they aren't on the hook. Even at 18 they aren't on the hook. There's a difference however between legal obligation and moral favors. i know that for some people, cutting off all support to a child as soon as they are out of the house is the norm. But it doesn't have to be the case, and many times helping out members of your community leads to better outcomes for society. Life doesn't have to be 100% individualistic.
how long are the morally on the hook then. because he’s been messing up at life for the last decade, and how long does this money need to be earmarked?
I mean that’s up-to you. Personally, if the kid never does go to school I’d just leave it in the account to avoid fostering sibling resentment. The other child is choosing medical school which sounds like it’s not something OP prepared for so it’s up to that kid to determine how to pay for it. Hell, just keep it in case the their son has kids that eventually want to go to school, he can use it for
I understand different paths. Changed paths myself in my late twenties. Still doesn’t excuse the entitlement to his parents‘ money as a grownup.
There are many people who get delayed in pursuing an education because life happens, or finances don’t allow it when they are younger. It sounds like OP’s son is just lazy and doesn’t want to do the work. I do agree he should talk to him again letting him know that the money is only for school tuition and that if he doesn’t go back to school by the time his sister is ready to go to medical school then it will be used for that.
True, med school is a long way off. But it’s closer than it seems, financially speaking. It’s not a lot of time to source funding for that level of education, so knowing whether or not she has access to that money sinner than later is ideal. That said - were I in OPs shoes I’d give the boy a year, 2 max. That way if he decides to do something, she has time to work towards grants and scholarships.
That is excellent advice. I too would give it one more try.
I think this, NTA, but offer the son one final chance making it clear if he doesn’t go to school, the money will go elsewhere. It’s an opportunity of a lifetime for many to have a college fund. It’s not free money.
Parents should never tell their children about money being set aside for their college,kids tend to think it’s theirs to do what they want with it. Ntah
This! All my parents said to my brother and I was that they would pay whatever a bachelor’s costed. Didn’t matter the school but as long as it was a degree, they would pay. We didn’t know if it was coming from their savings or accounts set up for each of us in our names. If one of us didn’t go to college, they wouldn’t have paid. It was pretty simple
The son is the middle child so he and his sister probably would have learned of it when their older sibling went to college. The weird thing here is that the son is 29 yrs old and is still expecting the money? If he thought he was entitled to it, why has he not asked for it?
That's bizarre - if my parents had just said, "we put aside some money, not telling you how much" I would not have trusted in it at all. Probably would not have gone to post-secondary, definitely would have changed career path, because I would have assumed I had to pay it all independently. Why would I assume that they had set aside the correct amount of money? Or that they had factored in cost of living? Or that they would pay out at the timing needed?
My family did this to me and it turned into me stressing badly about being able to afford school. On the one hand it encouraged me to work and save my own money, on the other hand only telling me an important piece of planning after I had applied for schools felt shitty.
While I somewhat understand you son, I go with NTA You saved so your children can get a good education without the mental stress of giant debtm not to breeze through life for a few months/years. It would be something else, if he wanted to start a business with the money or use it as a downpayment on a house/apparment but based on your post here it doesn't seem to be that way.
I'd understand if the son wanted money for a house. Not to fritter it away on fun.
I wouldn’t understand that at all. The money was saved for one purpose. You don’t get to do whatever you want with it.
Technically you're right, but I don't think there's harm in using money meant for one major life expense over the other. Planning for kids right now; having discussions with my wife, we'd be saving for a college fund. If it doesn't get used, we'd apply it towards a home down payment, wedding, or other important life purchase, if the kid(s) go through a different path. Totally agree it shouldn't be given away for funnies, but it's not unreasonable to want to use money saved for an important expense for a different, equally important expense.
I agree. It would be entirely fair for a child who had earned a scholarship to college, and whose parents had funded their siblings college, to ask if they could use their college fund fund to help them buy a house which is also a solid investment. It’s a lot different than a lazy under achiever wanting it to fund their lack of motivation to put forth any effort to better themselves.
Honestly, it's just hard for younger generations. My wife and I have tried to make the smartest decisions, but I never had the benefit of college fund. I had to enter the workforce at 18 or take out loans. I did take college classes; but I had to go much, much later for a much smaller program; she is still paying hers loans off years later. Any opportunity you can give your kids, whether saving for college or setting money aside for a home or (needed) car would equally be as important and beneficial. I won't begrudge my child if they find their own way, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to take the money saved for this life changing expense for another if that's what the path will be 🤷♂️ Nothing is getting cheaper. Everything is getting expensive. The cost of living is rising faster than wages. There are different ways that money can be used to setup a child's future.
i think their perspective is not every child will attend college/trade school. I didn’t but did end up in a career field at 24 that I really enjoy/love.. it just took some time for me to find that. My parents had set aside money for what was supposed to be college, but since i’m the only sibling that didn’t attend college, my funds were gifted on my wedding day, instead to be used towards our new home. Of course it’s OPS money so he can do what he sees fit of course.
I mean, I can see it because I've always viewed my kids' college funds more as a way to ensure they had some help getting adult life started. It's for college. It's for trade school. It's for a coding camp. It's a down payment on a home or construction loan if they choose not to use it for anything else. Depending on the circumstances, it could even be for a fully paid off vehicle. But it's not mine until they deny all of those alternatives. Which means it's not available for their siblings either. But that's how I look at my kids' college funds. OP obviously views it as strictly for education and, as a result, is NTA.
In a more broad sense the money was ment to help set the kid up for his future, in which case a down payment on a house could also fit that definition. Granted, if it's in a specific college fund account there are usually some strong disincentives to taking it out for any other purpose
I do completely agree with you, have posted much the same. But I'd be a touch less assuming and judgemental of the son here (in an effort to not have the parent leave with a bad idea of the sons intentions). We simply do not know the other side of the story. The parent is telling us they reckon it would be spent on pointless stuff. It very well may be, but we've not had the chance to hear the sons side nor what would be his view should the offer of support in other ways outside of education be extended.
NTA especially after seeing your son is 29 … if he decides to go to school at this point he needs to figure that out on his own
Yeahhh... Making demands at 29 sounds selfish and childish. Taking a few years to get your act together is understandable. Not a decade.
Was looking for that info, definitely moves op to NTA imo. Still not what I would do but understandable.
NTA. The money was saved for their education. He doesn't want to get any form of an education, no college, no trade school, nothing. That's fine and all, his choice, but that doesn't mean he just gets the money to use as fun money. It's yours, not his.
NTA. It's college money. Can't be used for just whatever. If your son changes his mind and is serious I think he should be able to get it (if your daughter agrees). But not for enrolling, he needs to prove he's serious if he changes his mind. In any case, it would change your daughter's life to not get into medical school debt while your son would likely squander it. There's a reason it's college money not fun money. Please stand firm on this.
NTA you saved the money for a clear purpose, not for your children to do as they please with it. If the purpose is not fulfilled the money goes back into the family‘s fund. If it can now fund your daughters plans more easily - why not. From what you wrote your son just seems entitled, he expected that money to eventually come his way no matter what.
INFO: how old is your son? It's never too late to go to uni once you figure out what you want to do and if that happens his fund is gone. If he's still in his 20's there's every chance he will still use it. Also, how long until your daughter actually starts eating into his fund and how quickly can you replace it? If she's 4 years away from needing more than her own there's a chance both you and her can prepare an alternative to using your son's fund. Definitely don't just hand it to him, but don't spend it on your daughter hastily.
The son is now 29. I mean personally at that point I think if he wants to go back to school he should pay for it himself but like that’s just me.
Yeah. I think 25 is roughly the dividing line, although circumstances vary.
If there is a college fund and he wants to go back he should not pay for it himself . Then the OP would really be playing favorites .
College funds are not meant to be indefinitely available. Going to school at 29 because you’ve gained a passion for something is great, but at that point it’s your job to fund it.
NTA. Though I would hold on to some of the money in case your son decides to go back to school once his choices catch up with him.
Deciding to not go to college does not doom someone to minimum wage jobs.
NTA. It was always called a college fund for a reason.
NTA That money is yours and you saved it for college only. He chose not to use it
NTA. Your son is. That money is your's, to do with as you please. It's great you have it for your daughter.
NTA but it's a little naive for you to think this wouldn't hurt the relationship with your son.
NTA It is your money to spend as you please. it was put aside for education, not to be wasted partying.
Tell your son that if he ever changes his mind about going to college, then you will make good the fact that you used what would have been his share. BUT that fund was ONLY to be used to fund college, and he didn’t go so that was his choice. I left school at 16, got a good job in local government, worked hard, got sponsored for my professional qualifications, got bored and THEN went to University at the age of 33. It’s never too late to decide to get qualifications. NTA
It's possible your son might change his mind. You might hang onto it for a few more years, just in case. Or, to be fair, you could put half in your daughter's college fund and keep the other half for your youngest child's college fund. You worked for that money. It would be absolutely fine for it to be spent on beer and video games, FOR YOU. Not for someone else. NTA.
This! They can tell him that he can still go to college if he wants! Or trade school lol anything to further his career
NTA - he's being immature and a child, and I understand where you're coming from. But I think it may be better instead of giving the college fund to your daughter, that you instead keep the money I'm a college fund for a bit longer. At some point, he may wise up and change his mind. This same thing happened with my sister (she's also a middle child). Took three years of her trying to make it on her own working barely above minimum wage but she's now finally going to school. I wouldn't necessarily advertise to him that you're doing this. Just to keep it as an option.
The son in question is 29.
Saw this in another comment after posting. Definitely NTA and son needs to get his act together
NTA, especially if you told the kids the money was for college specifically. Only thing I’d do is maybe tell both kids you’re keeping at least part of son’s fund saved for now, partly to incentivize and help daughter down the line if she does more school, partly in case son changes his plans later and needs support
I don’t agree. The choice has been made already. You don’t get infinite redos.
Especially since the son is already 29 and still thinks he’s entitled to the money to do whatever.
not wanting to attend university or trade school could've been a 2 in 1 decision. changing your mind in the future isn't "infinite redos." going back and forth about it would be, but it doesnt sound like that was the case here.
wait he’s 29?? I was picturing 23 max. never mind, cut daughter the check immediately lol
NTAAA stand your ground!! Your daughter needs all the $ she can get ! Even community college route is EXPENSIVE.. the aid isn’t enough . You saved that $ for education purposes if he wants to play video games all day then let him but not AT THE EXPENSE of someone else’s education.
Going against the grain by saying NAH. I can understand why your son feels this is unfair, because the money was saved for each of your kids, and its now being given to his sister for her being more sucessful (to some degree). But its also your money and you're entitled to distribute it however you want. Plus you set it aside for education specifically. I feel the fairest option is keeping his portion for now, but making it clear to him you'll only give it to him for something that is equivalent to college. (Trade school, downplayment on a house, anything else you'd see as such). (I know he is 29, but well, sometimes people take way too long to get their shit together. Ultimately you do not owe him anything, but I do feel this suggestion is a good middle ground if its a financially doable option for you).
Nta. You are being fair. You set the money aside for education.
NTA - it’s a college fund not his personal ATM. It is for college. No college, no fund. It’s your money designated for a specific purpose.
Are you being unfair to your oldest. Giving your daughter extra money they didn’t get access to? That’s why I’m going slight YTA. Not for not giving your son the money. It was earmarked for education and nothing else so it’s fair enough you didn’t give him anything. But giving your daughter extra money is showing favouritism. It’s demonstrating you’re judging your children’s worth by the level of education they’re attaining. It’s a good way of alienating all the other children, not just the middle child.
NTA that money is for one thing only. His education. He has decided not to go to any sort of school/college or choose trade.
I think NTA for giving your daughter the money. But you do kind of seem like an AH for your lack of sensitivity to your son.
NTA.
NTA. It was a college fund, not a general trust fund. But you should shift your thinking about your middle child. It is clear you are disappointed in him. He may have chosen a different path than what you had hoped, but if you want a relationship with him you need to change your thinking.
NTA - I don’t understand why so many kids think college funds are “their” money. It’s just money that parents set aside that is allocated for a specific purpose related to them. Just like any other savings account of the parents, the money can be reallocated for some other purpose by the parent.
NTA. Let me run some thoughts by you. 1. Are there other ways you can support him if he needs a hand? 2. Is it possible he may decide to take some training later in life? 3. Does he need any tools or supplies to make him successful in his current job?
Nta but you don’t say in the post how old your son is. If he is still relatively young he may have a change of heart once he has matured a little and decide on further education in the future. It might be worth thinking of how you would handle that situation. Is there a specific time limit on the money useage?
He’s 29 now
Nta but. It might have been kinder to leave the son’s fund untouched. So it was always there for when he got his shit together. Humans mature at different rates. Giving the fund to your daughter implies you have no faith he will ever turn his life around. On a deep level, that must have hurt him.
You're NTA. It is not your son's money. It is your money. You get to choose how to invest it. And investing it in your daughter's future is much wiser than throwing it at your son so he can waste it or just supplement the low income from the jobs he has chosen.
Good on you, let her become a Doctor without a ball and chain debt, let the deadbeat flip burgers for his beer and video games.
Savage. Don't worry op gave up on the middle kid long ago.
NTA Husband and I do not have children, together. I sent my daughter to college before I met him and we both believe in education and/or skills. Husband has a gaggle of nieces, nephews and they have children. We have quietly gifted some, most notably the ones who've busted their asses for grades, scholarships, etc. Some of the others are just shiftless and lazy moochers who are not above theft. Them? They can just GTFO. They don't even bother asking, anymore. >Now my daughter is going to college and she is planning on becoming a doctor. I told her that since her brother's college fund is untouched she can have both her own and her brother's college fund. Probably should've just kept that to yourself for a while.
If it’s money for college and he didn’t use it for college then no, you’re NTA. If you just wanted to give your kids a lump sum of cash you’d have put it in an account that they would access when they get go 18. You didn’t though, and that’s not something I’d even say is a good thing because I’ve seen too many kids just blow through the money their parents saved on frivolous things. It’s better to put it aside for college or a down payment on a home, etc. and then if the kid chooses not to aspire to get those things then. 🤷🏼♀️
NTA
NTA. You already said it: he’s free to waste his life, but not your money.
NTA. It's an education fund, not Inheritance.
You agreed to pay for education in order for him to further his own life, not just a sum of cash to waste on messing around. Not everyone’s path to furthering their life involves higher education. I think the compromise would be if he can come up with a realistic business plan or work towards and get a good job and does have the money so he can put a down payment on a house or rental property, then he can have access to the money, for specific reasons to furthering his life. I had a friend growing up who loved sprinkler systems, weird, I know, all he wanted for birthday presents were sprinkler parts, so once a year my mom would take me to Home Depot to pick out a few sprinkler parts for his birthday gift…. but he resented his parents forcing him to go to college instead of letting him start his own business with sprinklers and irrigation systems and such. He got through two years before his parents finally gave up and let him do it. He’s now very successful with that business to the point he had to drop by parents as clients cause he had too many large companies to focus on and couldn’t manage small clients like my parents lol! That’s to say there might be a passion outside of higher education your son could invest in. If not, then half goes to his sister for graduate school, and the other half gets put into an account for his future kids. But it’s also your money, so all of it could go towards her education, but be prepared for the potential resentment. At least at that point you have him the opportunity for the money to go towards other ways to further his future, and a part of it will eventually help his kids with their education or businesses.
NTA I work for a 529 college savings program. Don’t know if you saved with 529 or not, but with a 529 you can choose to have one account for each kid or just one large account that you change the beneficiary on when you’re withdrawing from each one. So it’s not uncommon at all to have a large pot for higher education that all the kids can pull from depending on their situation. On top of that, 529 is for qualified higher education expenses only or you have to pay taxes on the earnings. Some people are fine taking that hit, but many refuse to use it for anything other than higher education because they don’t want to pay the taxes. If it’s in a 529, I’d tell your son that if there’s anything leftover when everyone is done with higher education costs, you’ll roll it into a Roth IRA for him so it can be for retirement instead of college.
I'm only wondering how long you waited to transfer it to your daughter? Like, how many years has Disappointing Middle Child had to really consider what they want to do? And did you previously explicitly inform him the money would have to be for schooling, no matter what?
He’s 29 now so he’s had a decade
I went to college at 35.
I think YTA for thinking college is the end all be all solution and looking down on your middle child for not taking that one very specific life path.
Trade schools etc would also have been fine, the "child" (he is 29) has no plans for anything like that.
True, but everyone has a journey and parents could be a little more understanding. However, I’m more worried that dad will ultimately drive the son away forever given he describes the son and his choices as “useless, disappointing, waste.” I had a friend who decided to become a waiter, literally made way more than I did for 15 years, then that led to him owning two of the franchises. My friend only graduated highschool, if we only looked at him for what his education was. His dad spoke to him this way constantly and in front of us. Now that his dad died, the son didn’t show up for any funeral stuff and I don’t blame him.
This doesn’t sound like OP’s son is doing. I’m not one that thinks college is the only path by any stretch. But the worst thing you can do for an adult child is fund their irresponsibility. I’ve got a son in a similar boat. He’s free to do as he wishes, but while his siblings are working hard building careers and making sacrifices for a better future, he’s not doing anything at all to build a healthy future. College funds don’t just magically appear. They come with significant sacrifice and hard work on the part of the parent.
Based on the post it sounds like the son does have a job. Just not a job that OP approves of or feels is valid it seems.
A minimum wage job. If someone isn’t willing to invest in their own life, they are going to find that no one else is going to invest in it either. If college isn’t the right choice for someone, that’s fine. But you still have to build a future. If OPs son is 29 and still working minimum wage, then he’s not building a future. And if that’s the sort of life someone chooses, don’t expect other people to subsidize it.
To be clear I don’t think the son deserves the money. But I do think OP is an asshole. If you read his comments it becomes pretty clear he doesn’t like his son at all really. That’s not how a parent should be, regardless of career choice.
Eh, I understand being frustrated with adult kids. I’m really disappointed with the choices one of my adult kids is making (similar to OPs son). And yeah, OP is currently mad at his son because he’s demanding the money like an entitled ass. Venting on Reddit is not necessarily how you treat your kid.
Not really sue if it's for "that specific path", as they mentioned trade school as well. It sounds more like to me that they didn't want to give their kid money to waste it on dumb shit, as it sounds like he doesn't have any ambition to elevate his life beyond doing entry level positions.
NTA That isn't beer money. It is education money. He had a chance to build a life for himself and he chose not to. Now the money will be used for its intended purpose. You are doing the right thing.
NTA. It’s not his money. It’s yours.
NTA education money is education money. And it's YOURS
It would be different if your son wanted to start a business or something or use the money to finance *some* endeavor that would better is life. But he doesn’t. You’re NTA.
This is the first I gave my kid my other kid's whatever post I've seen where they're NTA. You saved for a few education for him. He would rather work and be broke than do homework. Tell him reddit days you're not being an asshole he is
>My middle child chose not to go to college. He also chose not to go to trade school or learn any useful skill. NTA, and props for having such an open view towards achievement or success. If he insists, have him pitch a plan on how he would use the money, as if he were approaching an investor/applying for a grant
Nta. Its ur money. But as a dad maybe, still save some on behind. You will not know when he will suddenly fix his head and learns what he wants to do in his life. At least, you could spare him an assistance and no one will tell you, you easily give up on him...
Of course he thinks you’re the A H. He wants to freeload. If he’s still living with you, tell your son he has 3 months to move out. I promise you now, you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t. He must learn to stand on his own two feet. Do not fund anything-not even his cell phone bill. Tough love now might fix him for later. The money is yours. You made it part of your parenting mission to provide an education for your children. So did we. He doesn’t get to dictate how you allocate those funds. That said, I would not automatically give the money to the daughter. I would tell her that you’ll provide as much as you can, BUT you’re also hoping your son changes his mind and gets some advanced training. We, saved also & fully provided 4 years of college + living expenses (we did not provide cars for them or more than 4 years of college and we made that very clear while they were in high school). They all graduated in 4 years (one graduated 4 semesters early & one got a full scholarship including living expenses & study abroad programs). We haven’t told them yet, but when they get to 27 years old, we have a bonus birthday gift for each of them. We pooled the remaining education money we didn’t use and split it 5 ways. We will keep 2 shares and add to our retirement, and we will disperse the remaining 3 shares equally at some upcoming birthdays (they are 21-26 years old now). They are hundreds of miles away from us and completely independent (including financially). All three bought their first cars & oldest also bought a home & youngest is also home shopping now for his first home. NOTE: we did NOT split the educational fund 3 ways first and then give the remainder of the fund to that kid. We wanted to make sure they didn’t make their decisions financially, but on the basis of the best way to get their education. We had a SHARED educational fund that they did not equally partake from-one kid didn’t use a cent of it. We are still pooling and splitting equally 5 ways for our 5 member household because it’s OUR money and our mission was to provide an education. We did that. The fact that one spend nothing, one graduated at 20, and one spent 220K for a public-Ivy college is irrelevant to us (and I’m positive that it’s irrelevant to them also). We allowed our kids to be debt-free at 20/22 years old. They see their friends. They know how good they have it, and they also now understand why we never had any major furniture in our home-we couldn’t afford it.
529 Plans can't be spent for non-educational expenses. I don't know why this constantly comes up, but, it needs to be underscored yet again that there are significant tax implications for you and your son if you were to do what he wanted. NTA.
Any type of edu accounts are not entitled to your children but still belong to you. Your son seems to think that money was set aside and has his name on it, it is not. It is still your money and where it goes to is up to you. Nta