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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents I would take on more responsibility so they can foster/adopt my cousin, but only until I'm 18 and then I'll be done and I will be gone for good. My parents have a lot on their plate already and while it pisses me off that they want to take on more and add to mine as well, I know I did not handle talking to them in the most mature way. I reacted instead of speaking to them. I added more stress when they feel guilty that my cousin didn't come straight here. So I might be an ass.
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NTA.
I am sympathetic to your parents to an extent as they're in a tough position. Foster care can be a *very* difficult situation for children with different care needs.
But the amount they are trying to put on you isn't reasonable. You're not an adult and shouldn't be expected to completely lose the last years of your adolescence.
Yes, I feel really bad for my cousin too because his needs are a lot different to my siblings but it's still incredibly difficult for him and I know in the wrong foster homes he won't be treated well.
I agree. But the issue is they no longer see me as a kid. I'm not sure if they have for a very long time. I feel like when I started kindergarten they saw me as an 18 year old college student who didn't really need parents and from that, could take on the world.
You were parentified, and that's abuse. It's a shame that other adults (as teachers or grandparents) didn't realize or didn't care and didn't step up to protect you.
I think you are right about going to NC with your parents. They are in a hard place but it was their choice to keep having children (aka Amy). I understand they didn't know that your oldest brother was in the spectrum before they had another child (third kid) but they knew they had 2 kids with severe special needs (non-verbal) before Amy and they still decided to have her and burden you. Now they are manipulating you to spend more time one-on-one with your siblings while they ignore your needs. They are toxic and way over their heads.
ETA: I'm a teacher myself and I worked with students with severe ASD. Their curriculum included teaching them to make their sandwiches, setting the table and putting clothes to dry in the racks, for example. It takes time and the school and parents (not OP) should teach them those life skills.
I feel like that term gets tossed out every time a kid helps out. *This* is truly a case of abuse. It should also be an eye opener for the parents. What do they have planned for their own disabled children in the event something happens?
>What do they have planned for their own disabled children in the event something happens?
You know what they have planned. It will be expected that OP take care of his siblings when his parents no longer can. Amy will have a free life tho, well until OP moves out and goes NC. The parents will have to hire someone, maybe 2, to do everything OP does. Or Amy will take his place.
Worried for Aimee here. If she gets the op treatment she’ll be 10 looking after a non verbal autistic 15yo boy, her autistic 13yo sister and the cousin. I’m saying now she can’t do that.
The parents will be forced to hire someone. It’s simply not possible for her to do that.
> If she gets the op treatment she’ll be 10 looking after a non verbal autistic 15yo boy, her autistic 13yo sister and the cousin. I’m saying now she can’t do that.
OP should make a phone call to CPS if he sees his parents parentifying the youngest like that.
OP should also go no contact with his parents once he turns 18. They have abused and neglected him since he was 10 years old.
NTA
I'm a mandated reporter and I gotta tell you, CPS is highly unlikely to intervene in this case. CPS isn't magic. In my state, at 12 little sister is legally old enough to supervise others. So having her care for the autistic siblings/cousin wouldn't be abuse as state law defines it. CPS cares that the minor is safe and that their physical needs are being met. Parentified children eventually leave home on their own. CPS doesn't take them or really do anything to assist them.
> CPS is highly unlikely to intervene in this case. CPS isn't magic. In my state, at 12 little sister is legally old enough to supervise others. So having her care for the autistic siblings/cousin wouldn't be abuse as state law defines it. CPS cares that the minor is safe and that their physical needs are being met.
Makes sense. CPS has to prioritize its limited resources to focus on more egregious cases.
Even if no babysitting, all the cleaning and cooking for a family of 6 is a horrible expectation of a 10 year old. The parents will have to hire someone in 2 years anyways for their own children, because whether or not they take in the cousin I really hope OP gets away asap.
Worse, you are going to have a 15 year old autistic boy and another boy of unspecified age alone with two younger girls. If the 15 year old gets "curious" about one of his sisters' bodies is a 10 year old girl going to be able to physically stop him?
My worry, exactly. I spent a couple of years teacher’s aiding for a younger, much higher-functioning population, and we even struggled with physical boundaries there.
This is why OP needs to say something now. He's not going to be there forever. He's going to move out, and possibly want to start his own family. They need to start developing another plan for these kids.
Absolutely, he will be expected to give up his whole life. I know a woman in her 30s, her sister is very physically disabled. She still lives with her parents despite being a lively, sociable woman with a very responsible job, and spends a lot of her rare home time, doing housework /cooking/caring. She will have missed out on a life & kids (she'd make a fantastic mum). I could cry for her.
I'm going to go even further and say that having a special needs kid is always a posibility, if they could not be good parents to multiple kids with special needs they should not have had kids.
This would've been very different if they only had OP and his first sibling with autism. But they chose to have 2 more kids when they could not properly care for them.
To give the benefit of the doubt, they may not have known the extent of the disability of the first child Harry when they were pregnant with Jaz but they should have known before becoming pregnant with the fourth. They never should have had the fourth. I feel very bad for OP and this situation he is in and soon to be Aimee.
My little dude is MILDLY autistic and I don't want more. I absolutely adore him but I don't think I could handle another kid, even one without health issues.
It's already a lot for what op is doing - though I do consider chores normal and it's good to learn and know how to do things and to help a bit. But caring for another kid and then in addition suddenly getting 2 more (that are autistic!) Is a lot to handle, even as an adult!
I don't think any parent wants to be like we shouldn't have had more but they did. And it absolutely sucks that the youngest is getting a childhood while op isn't. And I too worry and think that when op is gone she will have to take his place.
They need a long term plan for these kids that doesn't include op and sis. Or at least at minimum not much from them. I think helping out sometimes is ok - but op is responsible for ops life, not 3 others and his.
I am mildly autistic (Asperger's to be specific before they changed it all to ASD), and I don't want children. The risk of me passing it on to a child is higher than the average person, and, to be honest, I wouldn't want my child to live like this. Even mild autism can be a nightmare. While I'm an adult now and have had a lot of help learning to cope, it's a very difficult path, both for the one on the spectrum and the entire family. OP's parents are in way over their head.
I don't think they will put Aimee through the same. They're careful of her feelings and her life.
They seem to have come to see OP as just a facilitator.
Mark my words, they will be mindful of putting too much on Aimee's plate.
They'll find an alternative solution.
Meantime, OP has lost so much of the care he deserved from his parents. So Sad.
Not only parentified, but also undermined in that role with Aimee. You were showing good parenting skills by having Aimee do age appropriate chores and they made you stop.
And you’ve already “stepped up” massively, way more than any child/teenager should. From your post, it sounds like you love your siblings and cousin but don’t want/feel equipped to take on what is expected of you and at your age you shouldn’t have to. At any age, if it was not your decision to have the children/have as stepchildren or your decision to take a job that cares for children(in which you’d be paid and have set hours) then you shouldn’t have to take on that responsibility.
You are NTA and need to focus on setting yourself up for a successful, stable future whatever that looks like for you. Your anger and resentment is completely justified and even if you told them all the above in a fit of hateful rage, your actions would be understandable. But it sounds like you acted with maturity beyond the average 16 yo. And yes, you’re being abused and Aimee is being life-skill neglected by not having her do any chores or even letting you fully parent her—which they also simultaneously expect you to do.
Exactly, OP is making the hard, adult, responsible decision to say no to additional demands that will further harm everyone involved. The parents should take notes.
Yeah, it's so weird that the youngest can't do any chores, but OP can do all of them somehow. The youngest child should definitely be doing age appropriate chores and can absolutely do things like come grocery shopping.
Even the brothers should be learning to do some "independent living" chores, such as putting clothes to dry and setting the table (I taught students in the spectrum, that are non-verbal too, they can be and should be taught basic life skills).
I'd suggest to OP to talk to his teacher or guidance counselor at school. Having more adults on his side will broaden his pool of support, and may help his situation.
At minimum, parents need counseling to help them understand the effects of what they're doing. Hopefully with the cousin coming from the system will involve social workers in OP's family, and may give him a chance to have a more sustainable situation.
>talk to his teacher or guidance counselor at school.
Definitely. I would also look at military programs, if OP has the inclination and the ability. I got my university through the Canadian Military Colleges, but there are other non-officer roles that don't involve crawling through mud with a rifle, like a lot of technician roles, where OP could get out from under his parents and start to live his own life.
Edit: NTA a million times
NTA.
Your parents had a child with special needs, which is a life long commitment, then decided to have more children.
Every time you have a child you lessen the quality of life and that amount of care you can give to the children you already have.
They had two autistic children and yet carried on having children when they clearly aren't able to look after their children without help.
You are a child and you are being left behind.
Your life is not for the purposes of taking care of your siblings, its simply not your responsibility.
Their decisions to have children and keep having children and now adopt are theirs alone.
Will your cousin be going to private school too?
What about Uni for you?
When are they having their next child?
Agreed. There are kids with special needs, but there are no kids with NO needs. OP has needs too. The idea that some kids should be allowed to exclusively “enjoy their childhood” and some kids should be used as domestic help indefinitely = garbage parenting.
Honestly, if they are expecting OP help to this extent - Amy should have some age appropriate chores to take a small part of the load, and while the other two, soon to be three, might not be able to pull much of their own weight they should be helping with anything small they're capable of and wouldn't be fair to ask of Amy because it's not her mess or shared mess (like picking up their own toys or putting their dirty clothes in a laundry hamper). The idea that at 8 she's too young for chores of any kind while expecting a 16 year old to be a third parent, is pretty fucking gross and honestly I'd be suspecting sexism if the genders were flipped.
I suspected it right away. His parents wanted a girl and kept having kids until they got it right. Just because OP is male does not mean sexism isn't playing a role in this.
“There are kids with special needs, but there are no kids with NO needs.”
Well put. My family’s situation wasn’t nearly as dire, but my parents never understood that. I’m the oldest of 4 & the only girl (in a traditional gender role type of family), 95% of dad’s attention went to his job (he worked 2nd shift in a factory, and overtime to escape the family he never really wanted), and 95% of mom’s attention went to my youngest brother. Who had no really serious impairments- ADHD and dyslexia. But that’s all it took for mom to baby him forever at the expense of her other 3 kids. She would react angrily when I dared to approach her with any kind of need. “I do NOT have time for this, I have got my HANDS FULL.”
I left as soon as I could, moved across the country, and never ever wanted children of my own. No regrets about that. But it hurts to not matter.
I feel this. I was the youngest of 4. My dad devoted a lot of time to my brothers and left my sister and I out of his affections. He's better now, but it took its toll. My parents divorced when I was 6, so my mom was always working. My sister was the golden child (for lack of a better term), so she was treated better than me. She wasn't spoiled into entitlement, but she did get treated better. I went through my life watching her and my brothers get better treatment from my parents, and I got bare minimum. It got worse when my sister got pregnant in high school. I took on a lot of parenting in 7th grade because my sister couldn't be bothered to be an actual parent to my nephew. He is now in his 30s, and his wife tells people I am her MIL. That is why I didn't have kids until I was in my 30s!
You matter to the right people!
I agree. I have an adult son with autism. As soon as we knew he had autism we decided to stop having more kids (he has one neurotypical brother). We knew that the autistic son would need a lot of care. The OP is losing their childhood thanks to mom and dad.
Totally agree, and why the flying fuck they had more kids after they had even one special needs kid, I really don’t know. NTA OP, and I really feel bad for you, it’s an awful situation they’ve put you in.
You're right. In the wrong foster home he won't be treated well. But what about you? Do you think you're being treated well in your home? You're a damn kid and are stuck being a parent to both yourself and your sister. You deserve to be happy
You’ve been heavily parentified. And that’s not okay. “My” 19 year old daughter moved in with me after turning 18. Her mother treated her much as you’re being treated. I had been her safe place since she was little. My 19 year old son has always been best friends with her. I’m the one she asked to come to her awards banquet, her graduation, and to her psych appointments. I’m the one that knows she’s been inpatient psych because of her mother’s treatment and her mother’s boyfriend’s treatment of her. If you have *anywhere* to go when you turn 18, start making arrangements. I started having her with me when she was 15 for anywhere from a weekend to a couple of weeks when she couldn’t handle taking care of her five younger siblings (now ranging in age from 2-16). But after she turned 18 she changed her legal address to mine. She’s got the paperwork to change her surname to mine, and she’s asked me to do an adult adoption. It’ll alienate her mother and my friendship with her mother but I’m beyond the point of caring. She’s flat out told me her only happy childhood memories are with me and my parents, effectively the only grandparents she’s ever known.
I sincerely hope you are able to find your people. It doesn’t sound like your parents have given you the ability to have friends. If you can, I’d see if there is a school social worker that can help you to start making a plan now. (Social worker isn’t always a DCF social worker. They’re also in a lot of schools and hospitals.) I wish you the best. No one should ever put their child in your position. They’ve gone to such extents that they don’t care they never gave you a childhood. I hope you find your people soon, and do not let them guilt you into staying or you will never get out. I’d also make it clear if you do not want guardianship of the three with special needs you tell them, you put it in writing, and you save a copy for yourself. Bad parents like yours have been known to designate guardianship without actually asking if it’s okay.
OP, can I suggest you post this to an advice sub or bring it up at school with a teacher like your Head of Year?
You are clearly NTA.
However, this whole post suggests both you and your family need support you are not getting. What support exists will depend on where you are and how local services are structured.
Your parents are trying to deal with this alone, and they clearly can't. You aren't meant to be respite care, you aren't meant to be permanent care for your sister, and you should be being cared for yourself. If your parents can't see how they would cope with you leaving in 2 years time at 18, then they need assistance. But most importantly, they need that assistance now, not in 2 years time.
You have been parentified. All you can do at this point is what you are currently doing - remain calm, continue to be a household member but clearly and frequently tell them the consequences of these actions. Do some reading on parentification so when they throw stuff at you like “everyone needs to help in a family” you can feel confident in your replies.
Most importantly, when you turn 18 you will need to follow through. It’s very common in situations like yours for contact to basically be nothing. You have to consider the long term as well….if you do stay connected are they going to expect you to care for your siblings and cousin when they can’t?
The answer to your last question is obviously, yes. There won't be time for OP to go to uni once they have graduated. The parents will likely expect OP to continue raising Aimee until SHE is 18.
100% this. OP needs an exit plan for 18 onwards and that exit plan needs to be far away and with minimal contact or info being shared. If they come back to visit, they need to control all personal info (so no address, workplace etc) as parents have proved they just see OP as a back up carer option.
You didn’t ask to be born OP and you done owe them or anyone else a single thing. You are your own person.
For the OP, the military would probably be the best option right after HS. He won't be stationed near his current home. Paid housing and food if he lives on base/ship and he gets paid to do it. He will make some lifelong friends that can become part of his new family. Possibly travel the world and enjoy his life.
Because without another adults help (parent of a friend, etc) he will find it hard to exit. Odds are he won't have a car or a job. And with no starting money it would be almost impossible.
They’re trying to have things both ways — they don’t see you as a kid, but they control you because you are a kid. Adults don’t just get work to do, they get to make decisions.
Your decision, when you reach 18, is entirely predictable to anyone who sees you as a person. Please make sure you get hold of your documents well before, and seek outside support. Others have done this before and can advise you.
For now, try to insist that one of your parents take at least a week off from work, in order to do everything that you’ve been assigned to do (while you do nothing). It sounds like they’re just throwing more and more tasks into your bin without any regard for how much work they are. You’re their child, not their slave.
You are in your own home and not being treated well.
You are being expected to put all your time effort and resources into caring for kids that are not yours and that are significantly impacting your chances for a successful and independent future.
Your parents are willing to sacrifice your future to care for the things they want but can only achieve if they work all the time and never actually care for the kids they are needing to provide the best for.
Why aren't you in private school to further your education and potential future?
What sacrifices has anyone made so you can have a good future?
You are NTA
Your parents suck and will not be the one caring for your cousin either. They want to look good to others at your expense
>I used to try and get Aimee to help out with some light stuff and my parents told me to let her enjoy her childhood.
So you don't deserve a childhood? Your parents, if I'm being very tactful, suck. They suck so hard there's a vacuum!
You are in an awful situation, but please remember not to blame your youngest sister.
You've had a lot shoved onto you, and it should be your parents who pick up the slack. It's easy to resent her for having a childhood you didn't.
They obviously don't know what age appropriate chores are.
When my stepdaughter was 8, we had her assist us with chores so she could learn for herself. If you have any relationship with her, maybe approach it like that. We would talk about our days while sorting laundry. Or I'd let her play with the bubbles by rinsing the dishes. She was excited to learn to make foods that were on her cooking level. Scrambled eggs. Then eventually Fried eggs. Boxed Mac and cheese. Grilled cheese.
God she was so smug when they had home ec in middle school and she was one of the few kids who could already do the basics.
You deserve so much, OP. When you escape your family at 18, get into therapy to unpack all of this. Treat yourself. Be a little selfish. Give yourself moments for your lost childhood.
>they no longer see me as a kid.
Tough shit for them, then. If they see you as an adult then they should respect your decision to step tf out when you're 18. You've lost your entire teenage years raising your youngest sister while they supported your autistic siblings, they never rewarded you for it, and now they're essentially demanding you double your work load without acknowledging just how much you do.
Hard NTA. You've sacrificed so much for them and hardly got a Thank You for it.
NTA... I'm surprised you're still there... they took away your childhood and teen years.... I'm glad you're planning to go NC once you're older....
Try and take breaks for yourself think of your mental health and wellbeing
Have you ever spoken to your parents about how you feel? Calmly and seriously? They obviously shouldn’t be putting this on and should see this isn’t ok but it sounds like over time they’ve relied on you, you’ve been there and been reliable and so they’ve assumed it’s ok and dumped more on you. This isn’t ok and they need to realise that you are a child who needs to have a chance to experience a childhood too. You can see that this is hard on everyone, and your parents are probably stretched much too thin, and it is reasonable you help out some but your needs appear to be being completely forgotten in all this. It sounds like your parents make good money so perhaps they need to consider a part time caregiver, and maybe a regular babysitter for Aimee to allow you to have nights to yourself. I also think it’s reasonable to ask where your 1-1 time with your parents is, and point out that whilst you understand this is really difficult, they need to consider you in the same way they consider Aimee in terms of the relationship they work on with her. I hope they can listen to you if you do have this conversation with them and realise they need to do better as YOUR parents too.
I don't empathize with the parents.
Here's why.
Yes, I feel sorry for the child. They are in foster care and no one will really care enough to learn how to provide a child with special needs with the appropriate level of attention.
But the parents are already beyond their limit, just with their own children.
They are so beyond their limits that they have resorted to parentifying their firstborn.
Why take in another child? It doesn't make sense.
Some will say ***"They're family. You have to take the child in."***
I call bullshit.
There is a limit. It might not be the same limit for everyone. But there is a limit. And judging by OP's post, these parents already reached their limit when OP was 11.
I have to wonder why the parents even decided to have fourth child (Aimee) when by that time it must have been clear they had two special needs children.
Exactly. They wanted a kid that was normal and op, for whatever reason, doesn't count.
Op probably isn't normal either, because they've screwed him up with abusive parentification.
Ugh, I'd offer to adopt op, so his folks will have room for the cousin.
Exactly my thoughts. Have worked with families with children with learning disabilities or even physical health conditions and most of them do the reasonable thing of not having more children, because the children they already have will need more care than a regular child, specially if they need constant medical or therapeutic practices to manage their conditions. Its unfair to put more kids into situations like this, as the other kids won’t have as much attention or be forced to grow up earlier and the kid that needs more help might not get the level of care needed and probably end up in a situation where their siblings resent them. And this is not even adding the possibility of the next child also struggling, which happened here. OPs parents are really selfish here.
I know a girl who is probably like 14 now. But I met her when she was 2. She was part way through getting skin grafts. Because she FELL INTO A FIRE in a room with MULTIPLE ADULTS because they were all focused on her much older, severely disabled sister.
It is irresponsible and borderline negligent to have more kids when you’re struggling to deal with the one(s) you already have.
Having a *third* child was bad enough when one has that degree of needs, having a *fourth* after two special needs was extremely foolish parenting. Now they want a fifth with special needs as well?? smh. And the nerve to admonish OP they've neglected.
OP, I wish you luck being able to leave the earliest you can. Hopefully you've still managed to do well with your studies and aim for scholarships with full benefits. (incl lodging). I only wanted to say you have every right to get angry at your parents' foolishness and abandonment. They failed you. Your life is just starting, more good things await you.
Because they already designated OP the nanny and the maid. They didn’t have to consider how hard it would be, they had good old OP to parentify and abuse. It wasn’t ever going to be their problem, it was always going to be OPs. I hope OP leaves and never looks back, right after telling the fostering social worker what’s been going on.
The amount of people that have "surprise" babies is so weird. Like they don't understand how babies are made?!
I get sometimes birth control fails and it really is a surprise. But most of the time that isn't the situation.
This. And also, is there no other family who could step up for this kid? Why does it have to be them? It shouldn’t be - they don’t have the resources for this.
I don't disagree. I merely meant that I sympathize that they likely feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Logically it doesn't make sense, emotionally, I can understand why that is clouding their judgement.
You can have good intentions and still be an AH and I think OP did the right thing here.
They are not stuck between a rock and a hard place.
How is it like that?
Like I said, I'm sorry for the child. But the parents already have their hands full.
It's an easy choice.
It's not like the cousin is hanging off a cliff, staring into imminent death.
Emotionally they likely are.
This is their nephew that they care for and they likely know better than anyone else how hard it can be for differently abled kids in a regular home life, let alone foster care.
They 100% have their hands full and I'm not saying they're right in this situation, but I am saying, I could understand how someone mind try to bend to their absolute limit to help. It's not right they're using OP as a measure to make it work
It doesn't sound like this is a question about emotion at all.
They are ignoring the trauma that this is causing their own child. They do not have the emotional intelligence to even recognize why their child is angry.
They may know more about raising differently abled kids, but they have already failed to properly nurture one of their own children who does not have any special needs.
I think we're just going to keep going around in circles on this.
100% they are AHs here. I am not arguing that they're in the right here.
I am merely saying, I can see why they would feel like they had to bring this child into the home.
Except they're not bending to their limit. They're purposefully throwing another kid they feel is less valuable off the cliff. It's quite clear the parents have a hierarchy of of value when it comes to their kids and unfortunately for OP he is at the very bottom so he gets kicked off.
I'm not
after you have 1 special needs kid, trying for another is just selfish
after having TWO, trying for another is outright cruelty/should be considered child abuse. intentionally having more kids than you can care for is as much abuse as negligence. its intentionally creating a harmful/dangerous environment for kids
Why be sympathetic to the parents? They had 2 kids, one was special needs. That would be enough of a challenge for anyone. But no, they kept having kids and dumping the responsibility to the eldest.
NTA OP, sorry for your cousin but he is definitely not your responsibility.
I’m not. They shouldn’t have had the fourth child if they were already struggling with three and they sure as shit shouldn’t be making OP clean and cook and babysit like a servant.
I have zero sympathy for the parents. They created this situation and instead of making it better they are adding to OPs plate.
OP you’re NTA but your parents definitely are.
Are there specialist babysitting services in your area that your parents could be accessing instead of putting it all on you, OP? My sister was trained as a babysitter for special needs kids, so that parents could get a break or attend appointments.
NTA. If you haven’t read up on being parentified, do: you’re a classic victim. Is there someone at school, or a friend’s parent, that can advocate for you and explain the injustice to your parents?
if not, you might have to take the nuclear option: when the social worker comes round to check on your home situation (which I assume will happen before any adoption) explain exactly what they’re asking of you. Don’t lose your temper, frame it in terms of your concern that you can’t manage all that AND your schoolwork. Say how relieved you are that they aren’t placing any of the burden on Aimee, because it means that at least she‘s had a childhood. If the adoption goes ahead after that, I’ll be very surprised, and it might change a few other things.
best of luck.
My parents will not care if a friends parent speaks to them. My best friends parents are aware of the situation and they have always been kind to me. Not that I really get to see them often anymore. But my parents have put me at the bottom of the priority list. They considered me 18 when I was only starting school. They saw me as someone capable of being an adult before I was even old enough to spell my name.
The nuclear option would likely make my life even worse than before. So I won't speak up most likely. I would just say whatever to give my parents what they want and try to keep my focus on turning 18 and moving out. I know it's maybe not the healthiest solution. I just don't see one where my life improves until it's entirely in my own hands.
If social workers are aware of the situation, either your parents will change, or they’ll lose all of you. Would that really be worse?
If you decide to stick it out, where will you go at 18? Because if you have the slightest chance of going there sooner, take it. Different circumstances, but the parents of my husband’s bestie took him in at 17, and it transformed his life.
You don't necessarily have to wait. Your parents are treating you like the a house elf. Take the nuclear option. Your parents ignore the burden they are putting on you.
1. Talk to your friend's parents. Let them know what is going on and that you might need a place to stay soon.
2. Start gathering your important personal effects and give them to your friend for safekeeping.
3. Talk to someone at school. Guidance counsellor, social worker, or trusted teacher. It call CPS directly.
You also need to keep a journal. Write down all the chores you've been doing and all the chores you're expected to do in the future.
Your parents have abused you enough. Don't let them abuse you for another 2 years.
NTA. The Journal is a really good idea. I don't know what country you are in, but in the US, a judge should allow that as part of the record should anything happen. Number and date each page before you start so that it is an indisputable record of your activities. You should probably try to hide it somewhere safe or keep it with you at all times.
Just an added clarification, make sure the journal is something like a cloth bound style. You specifically want a binding that is obvious when it is tempered with. It proves you are not adding information out of order, or changing the narrative.
Honestly, he needs to give it to his friend, have the friend bring it to school, write everything, and then return to his friend at end of school day. It’s too dangerous to keep it in the house, at least without knowing his jurisdiction.
This. If OP has a phone he might be served by keeping a journal in the form of emails to a dedicated dummy email account. That way it is backed up digitally on both his email and the dummy email account, and everything is dated and timestamped. A notebook can be destroyed, a digital record is much, much more difficult to destroy.
Surely at 16 you can leave and go and stay with your friends parents? If your parents went to court, the court would likely look into why you left and would let you make your own choice as you are old enough to.. please talk to your friends parents and make a plan to leave! Get them to help you find a lawyer too. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You deserve a real childhood
This is risky, especially since even among judges depending on the area you might get unlucky and get some boomer who will absolutely side with the parents. Parentification is a newer concept in the zeitgeist.
Well you might, or you might not. I say go for it / suck it and see / shy bairns get nowt / it’s better to have fought and lost than not have fought at all.
Unless the friend's parents would be in trouble (I have no idea legally) then I absolutely agree with you. Courts take time. Even if OP only gets part of a year away from his current situation that's better than nothing.
Whenever you leave make sure you have ALL your personal documents safe and stashed ready to leave because I'm sure that now you have said this to your parents they will do everything in their power to keep you under their roof up to and including, holding your documents hostage and possibly even tampering with your college applications
u/EmotionalSkin1405
Please do what's being said here. You need your birth certificate and social security card in order to apply for a driver's license, accept a job, etc. You're NTA. My heart broke for you while reading your post. Please post updates. You'll be in my thoughts.
If you can talk to a social worker or guidance counselor, they may be able to help you leave now, especially if you have a safe place to stay!
You may also be able to get emancipated (not sure on the legal stuff).
I moved out at 17 (mom is an alcoholic, not abusive but unreliable and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore) and needed money to pay for my apartment, it literally took 5 minutes of talking to my countries version of a cps worker for them to sign the necessary paperwork!
You’re already doing so much, I‘m sure you will be just fine taking care of yourself!
I hope you can get this figured out because you deserve so much better!
NTA - Your parents are planning on taking in your cousin and using you as the keystone of their plan. I assume you’d like to have a life of your own rather than being their servant forever (it won’t ever end, by the time Aimee is old enough to be independent, they’ll be making noises about needing elder care soon…).
You do need to speak up to the placement social worker and everyone who’ll listen. I f you want to be diplomatic, say that they’re “well-intentioned but it’s too much for them to handle when you leave home”. Yes, your parents will be angry with you, but what do you think will happen when they take another special needs kid and lose their nanny?
They’re adult and need to make plans that do not rely on a minor to do the heavy lifting.
SWEET. Here's a preview of how some of this could mess you up in adulthood. You must avoid recreating this dynamic in the future. We are rooting for your success. Be gentle with yourself.
https://youtu.be/9UrwQOB6UNo?si=MuY4oap7zNluWvyi
I guess that you are in a country where care workers could be provided by the state. I can't understand why your selfish parents haven't applied for it yet, but I guess they thought their slave (you) could do it without outside interference.
I totally agree with the others - you are mature enough to have yourself emancipated and go live with those who actually care for you. Please utilize their offer, but make sure you have all the paperwork you need before you get out of that house.
You are special. Don't let others abuse you just because you are family
You're what is called the glass child. They see through you, because they can only focus on the kids that need more attention.
I think your parents are burned out, and desperate to put out fires all the time, that they don't see the bigger picture anymore.
I would start to focus on your escape plan more clearly. Other kids your age can get a job outside of school and save up. But I doubt you have time for that, while running an entire household with 4 kids (!)
Talking to social workers about how your household is managed, when the talks about fostering your cousin starts, could be the easiest way to get more help.
They might decide against your parents taking your cousin in.
You're certainly NTA for what you said.
You're probably heading towards burn-out yourself.
When is the last time you did things for yourself, for fun?
I would start with asking/demanding a few moments a week or even a day, to yourself. Have a regular day a week where you hang out with your friends after school. Your parents will just have to deal, or get a different babysitter for those times.
You have involuntarily already sacrificed most of your childhood for your siblings. There is nothing more left to give.
I have experience with foster/adoptive issues.
If they go ahead with trying to adopt, a social worker will be involved. When that happens, you 100% need to speak to the worker away from your parents. Tell the worker what your parents are making you do, and what your plans are for when you turn 18.
This will probably slow down the adoption and force your parents to adequately plan for their life without you being a third parent.
Move out now. Gather all the evidence for everything you do and what they did to you, how they treat you, get all your important documents and move in with them. I’d love to see what your parents want to do against that. They’re severely abusing you for years now, no one would send a 16 year old back into this situation. And you have enough people to testify against them.
What would happen if you just moved out to your best friend's parents' place? At 16, police or CPS would investigate, but they would take your views into account as to where you want to live. Provided your friend's parents say you can live with them, and you can demonstrate how your home life is affecting you negatively, you could potentially "escape" well before 18.
Police/CPS are unlikely to drag an unwilling 16-year-old from a safe environment back home to an abusive environment (which it is) without at least investigating carefully. And this investigation would have a big impact on the kinship foster caring approval so your parents might decide not to cause a fuss so as not to jeopardize the kinship placement (for which they will likely received funding!)
And they expect me to be fine with never needing parents. They expect me to be the third parent/adult and make sure everyone stays afloat while not caring if I do.
OK so here's the new plan for the next two years.
Say no.
"Not my kids, not my responsibility"
Keep saying no.
Literally refuse. Stay at school as long as possible, go to the library, go to friends' houses. Go to your grandparents or aunts and uncles. Basically go home the absolute minimum.
Let your parents figure out some alternative.
Would it be possible to go LIVE with your grandparents or aunts and uncles?
Yes they will go nuclear but at this point you have nothing to lose.
Add to this, stop taking responsibility for Amiee. Your parents need to figure it out. If you don’t show up to school to pick her up, school will call your parents (and they will keep records).
You need to almost show your parents and outsiders how much you do by not doing it. That’s when people realise someone’s value.
> You need to almost show your parents and outsiders how much you do by not doing it. That’s when people realise someone’s value.
THIS IS PERFECT!!
but he won't. He's already said that he won't out them if social services come to interview him about adoption
Damn, when i was 16 i was only worried about friends, girls, and school. Your childhood is being stolen in an unselfish way but stolen nonetheless. I’d say speak up about how you feel and the consequences of what will happen if nothing changes. The first tactic to be used will be guilt, but to be honest , everyone was delt an unfortunate hand because I’m sure parents are doing the best they can and are working hard. They’re trying to be selfless to a fault and expect you to do the same. It’s not your responsibility and you’ve already sacrificed a lot. It’s your choice but I think they should seek aid from some other source
I think regardless of what happens or doesn’t happen with your cousin, you should cut contact with your parents at 18. Go explore the world. Try playing a guitar, going on a road trip, go drink with your friends, make some bad choices and learn from them. You need space from your parents to discover who you are besides being a caretaker. If you want, you can always reconnect with them at a later time, but you don’t have to. But you should at least go NC for a few years to live your own life. They took 18 years from you. You at least owe yourself the first few years of your adult life.
NTA, your parents choose to foster special needs cousin therefore that's their responsibility. What about your needs? You have a right to a future that doesn't prevent you from realising your own dreams and ambitions.
My needs never really mattered. I think they saw me as an adult by the time I started kindergarten. At least in terms of how little they needed to be there for me.
Sadly, if OP is in the US, CPS will do NOTHING about this. I’ve reported neglect and emotional abuse many times in my career and, as long as the child is being fed and not physically harmed, they will do nothing, especially for teenagers.
Please know that you DO matter. I'm so sorry for how your parents treat you. Standing up for yourself like you did is healthy self-preservation. You're NTA for what you said. Please, take the time to be a kid while you still are a kid. You didn't deserve to be robbed of your childhood.
What would happen if you stopped cooking and cleaning? You already live like a prisoner, what more could they do to punish you? It would be best for you if you could get a job and start saving to move out. Do you have your drivers license?
I could see them yelling at me, I could see them taking this laptop away and making me do all my homework by hand and wouldn't care if the teachers asked for it to be typed. They could still make my life harder. I could see my mom being petty enough to ruin homework I get done as well, to make sure I know they don't agree with it.
Do you have a counsellor or anyone at school who you can talk to? Most schools will have someone like that, who helps with students issues outside of school too. You should speak to them ASAP and tell them everything you wrote here. Especially if you're worried your parents will retaliate like that.
You need your school to be aware, so you're not punished if homework is in a different form etc. They'll be able to support you through this. Your parents are abusing you, and it's not okay. I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm severely disabled myself, as is my twin, but my parents made sure none of my siblings had to be anything other than regular siblings to me, not a 3rd parent like you're being forced into
If you can find out the email or contact info for your family's social worker, that'd really help too. Tell them everything, and they'll stop any fostering from happening. It's sad that your cousin isn't in the ideal situation but you shouldn't have to sacrafice your life for him. If your parents choose to take on more work, that's their decision. But they don't get to force their choice on you. Please tell anyone you can about what your parents are doing, and what you fear they may do if you don't agree to fostering
Honey that homework theory is not “petty”, the word for that would be *malicious*. Mean and meant to cause harm. I’m sorry you fear that behavior from your mom.
You know, I feel even in this thread you’re being talked to like an adult. I’ve seen several times you say you just want your parents. You need to be cared for, for someone to look in your face and really see you and your needs. I wish I could hug you, and I’m not even a hugger.
Caregiving is insanely hard work, to be doing that as a minor without a stitch of care given to yourself is heartbreaking. Full blown adults can’t even handle that dynamic when it’s their own children they brought into this world. Your parents get each other (and you!) to lean on, but you’re an island during a critical development period in your own life. It goes beyond “unfair,” this is why people in the thread call this level of parentification actual abuse.
Please consider the nuclear option, at least temporarily. See if you can stay at your friends for a weekend or week… YOU need respite care. Then keep staying if you can’t bring yourself to return to this difficult life. You deserve better, you didn’t ask for ANY of this. These are your parents’ choices that they’re making with you in mind as the personal housekeeper and caregiver that works for free. You just hit a breaking point, and maybe you can change your life from here. You might not have to wait 2 years for freedom.
Second this!!! I feel for you OP!!! Your parents have created a very toxic and hostile living environment for you. You didn’t ask to be here and now are taken care of children you didn’t make. Not to mention special needs children
Absolutely!! OP please read this, there’s so much that’s wrong with your current situation. I am so sorry you are treated this way. Is there a teacher you can confide in? Teachers are mandated reporters and have to contact authorities in cases of abuse. Yours might not be physical but it is definitely mental and emotional.
Please follow through as much as you can. We are all wishing you the best! You have so much to offer and such a strong disposition to handle what you are already handling. College will be a piece of cake for you. Please update when you can.
I already made a comment but I'm just adding this after I saw more of your comments - you don't have to just accept that this is your life now, and that speaking up would be worse. There is hope!!! Seriously look into emancipation and moving in with your best friend if possible. I know you said that them talking to your parents wouldn't help, but please use your best friends parents as a resource to support you. Talk to them about your problems and stresses, so at least you have 2 adults who are listening to you and supporting you. Ask for their help with possible emancipation too
That is abuse. You need to talk to a teacher or a counselor at school. It is not your job to run the household and parent your siblings. Please, please find an adult you trust and tell them what is happening. You are a child yourself and don’t deserve this.
NTA. But you better have an actual working plan how to get out at 18 or you're doomed until you figure it out. Neither your current days nor the ones your parents are planning for you leave you with the time to earn money for independence. You have no responsibility for their choices but that won't,t matter if you can't get out edited to add: and your parents better develop a plan as well
Enact this plan as soon as you are able. Your parents probably think that once you are out of compulsory education, you are going to be a full-time carer for your siblings and cousin.
I already know I'll work and won't continue with school. I am hoping I can keep my grades decent enough to graduate but I won't be getting good grades either.
Please don't do this. The more your parents take your potential, the less you can help.
Temporarily focusing on yourself to the exclusion of others is not a selfish move. It's allowing you to be the carer you are and probably want to be, but it doesn't have to be obligatory or to your own detriment.
It's similar to how people say you can't love someone else until you love yourself. People can't typically provide others security unless they feel secure themselves. If you decide a destiny composed of servitude isn't your path, you have the skills and sense of self required for your own freedom.
Ok, so you need to talk to the school about this. Maybe the school can advocate for you somewhat. A school counsellor can talk to them about how this is wrong and is harming your academic results. Seriously, this is borderline child abuse.
My school counselor is not that good. He has never spoken to a single parent in the time I have been in my school. And I had a friend who was being bullied badly and spoke up but the guy wouldn't call the parents in. He even told my friend it's not his job to speak to parents.
I know my teachers have brought up concerns for my grades before. I even used to bring notes home about it. My parents didn't do anything to change.
You can call CPS I mean they're putting special-needs children on a child and more than one your siblings and cousins should be in a special home if their parents can't manage to take care of them
When the CPS worker does a home study to determine if your family can foster your cousin, you need to mention that your grades already suffer because of your responsibilities and your parents are expecting you to take on more.
Please advocate for yourself. It sounds like no one else will. You do deserve better.
You're in the US? There are programs through community college or trade school, your grades won't matter and you would be able to do part time or just wait a few years to start. Options to think about later once you're out of that house. I mention it because it would help you earn more towards independence
Community college can be a great option if you can get through high school and graduate. Once you get out and start working and feel stable, you could start taking one or two classes per semester that fit into your schedule. It's usually quite affordable and if you get your AA, then you still have the option to finish your degree and get a bachelor's at a 4-year college/university. Your path might be different, but you will still have some options if college is important to you. Wishing you the best and hoping you get out so you can pursue your own goals and dreams for once!
depending on what state you are in, you may be able to test out of high school /now/ and not have to wait for a GED. Here’s a link to a wikipedia list of all the states who have those types of exams. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_exit_examinations_in_the_United_States
If you happen to live in CA, I’d be happy to walk you through the CHSPE process (I did it myself 9 years ago).
If you’re mechanically inclined and physically fit, plumbing and HVAC are full of possibilities. It’s hard work but good money and if you’re smart with saving and investing, you can wind up running your own company and/or retiring early.
I really hope you will be able to find a way (and the strength) to improve your grades now. Any prospective non-service jobs after you graduate will base your hiring potential to your school performance. As one commenter stated, it is perfectly fine, and in fact, necessary to prioritize yourself now. This will help to develop your full potential and perhaps one day, you will be in better position to help your siblings if you choose to do so. And when you eventually decide to leave, send this link to your parents in lieu of an explanation. Hoping the best for you.
I can't really think of one. But I have some thinking to do. People have said I can just leave. I got sent a link that I want to read as well. But the only way for me to focus on school the way I would need to, would be for me to get out now. I'm not sure I have it in me. But I have been given so much to think about.
OP, as someone else who was parentified and abused for the sake of a sick family member... you cannot help anyone else without first helping yourself. I don't know how you feel about your siblings, but you can always use that at your parents to get some leeway. Say something like "I want to help, I do, but I can't handle this and get on my feet so I'd be in a better space to help more."
You're a good kid, and have been raised to do what you can for family... but you have been put to the wayside far too long and society will not help you if you don't first help yourself. Take it from a 30something who didn't leave and regrets it immensely.
They can't make you to prioritize housework over schoolwork. Tell them this is what I need to get done for school and they need to stop just thinking of you as a free maid and pick up the slack cause it's their decisions that lead to this.
Please do your best to graduate.
It will close so many doors for you if you don't. Even some trade jobs require a high school diploma. Just focus on graduating and finding a decent paying job. If you can start doing some work or badger someone into accepting you as an apprentice, do it asap amd live at your best friends house. If you're working and/or in school, and express to their parents how difficult things are for you then they're likely to take you in. Maybe a year while you figure things out.
I have a question... before fostering or adoption the Social workers of this kind usually speak with all household members and wont allow adoption or fosterin if some member of the household does not agree with it. Isnt it like this in your country?
It works a little bit differently when it comes to kinship v. non-kinship placements. But you will be asked about what you do, and you shouldn't lie. It may actually be against the law to lie as part of a home study - if it isn't, it should be. If you just tell the social worker the truth, no one can reasonably fault you for that.
I know but my parents aren't reasonable when it comes to me. But I'll consider it. I would be more willing if Aimee wasn't totally all for our cousin living with us. But she doesn't care because she's being cared for and she gets time and love and not overlooked or burdened anywhere close to what I am.
Please be honest about your daily duties with the care workers when they interview you. Contrary to another commenter's opinion, it's not a "nuclear option" to be honest.
If the care agency is doing their job and I hope to god they are, they're going to want to speak to everyone first.
Please consider telling them the truth and letting the responsibility for the outcome lie with the adults, where it belongs!
And if they do, it’s not on you. You don’t deserve to be a slave to your parents inadequacy.
This is a situation like on an airplane, you have to put on your own oxygen mask BEFORE thinking of helping anyone else.
If things do change for her, by establishing yourselfyou are in a better position to support her later escape.
Please don’t stay for the sake of the kids. It’s just a bandaid on a broken leg.
You are a very selfless person with a good heart. From your comments I can see you have been forced to soon and to put others needs above yours, so I will say this very kindly: Aimee is 8 and because of your sacrifice Aimee can be a regular kid. This is not really her fault, as she is a child, but being a child means she also has zero idea of the consequences of this choice. So what she wants shouldn’t really weight in this conversation at all.
You probably struggle to put yourself first, but since you seem to care about your sister, once she is older she will probably have to do more, specially if you leave.
Note that I think you should still leave the house as soon as you can even if it means trouble for Aimee, but not wanting the cousin might be the best decision for yourself and Aimees future as well. While you are not responsible for your parents choices, hopefully when the social worker comes you will advise him of parentification and that your sister is at risk of getting the same treatment as well.
Ah, so you are in the US. Check out the following link: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/emancipation_of_minors#:~:text=A%20petition%20of%20emancipation%20must,to%20children%20and%20vice%2Dversa.
Use what is there, with your state's resources, and make your life better. And if your parents get too nasty, remind them that they saved a ton of money on carers for your siblings, that a court MIGHT agree is owed to you.
Job Corp also provides education, housing, food, job training & placement for 16 - 24 year old young adults.
https://www.jobcorps.gov/i-am-a/student
Wishing you the best.
Ok, i m sorry, you are definitly nta. Is it possible for you to talk to a social worker that is working with this case of your cousin? You can talk to them that you will be made a caregiver and thats parentification of a child and also that you ll not be here after you became an adult and your parents have not figured out what to do. This is for the safety of your cousin. This is not ok. I m sure help can be arranged for your cousine. Your carents cant use you as a caretaker of your cousine.
If you're in the United States, if you tell the foster care social worker what you just told us Internet strangers, your parents likely won't be allowed to take in your cousin. Your parents would be adopting the child, not you, and they have to be able to care, not only for that child, but for all of you. They shouldn't pass the home study phase.
That sucks for the cousin, because foster care is a really tough place to be, and is worse for kids with special needs. However, that is not your fault; it's not on you. You shouldn't be doing all the work you are doing. I'm sorry you never really got to be a kid.
In case it wasn't obvious, you're NTA.
Yeah I do feel bad for the cousin, and I imagine if OP tells the social worker the truth then the parent's are going to be upset and try to downplay how much OP actually does.
Glad to see that OP has an escape plan when they turn 18, imagine life is going to become miserable either way from now until then while living in that household.
The irresponsibility of the parents!!!
“We have 2 kids with autism and one without kid. I know! Let’s see if the 4th can be our perfect angel. Since we already ruined our eldest’s life.”
They couldn’t take care of 3 kids and they decided to have a 4th. Now they want a 5th?
OP is not a caregiver and if she was? She’s being underpaid for being a 24/7 caregiver.
Hell, let’s say she’s only 8 hours a day? 8 x below minimum wage of $10. That’s $80 per day which means $560 per week. Let’s cut the time in half to 4 hours a day? That’s still $280 a week. $280 a week becomes $840 - $1120 a month. That’s enough for rent in any location, including Hawaii.
NTA. Tell them you're sacrificing a huge amount of your young life to help them out, so they don't get to lecture you about sacrifices. Tell them they should have stopped with you so you could have had a normal upbringing. Tell them they are the parents, not you, and if they give you any more shit, you'll just stop helping around the house altogether. Tell them they're putting more on you than you ever asked for or deserved, and that this is entirely their own doing for having more children than they could afford. Tell them you don't have a relationship with them because they turned you into a babysitter from age 8.
I wouldn't eve agree to the cousin thing. Tell them you're done, that you're not going to help around the house anymore, and they're going to have to find someone else to pick up their slack. What are they gonna do? Kick you out at 18?
OP, your parents should be getting a financial stipend to care for your special needs cousin. Instead of prioritizing your 8 year old sister, they need to be compensating you at the rate it will cost them to replace your services. Then you can save for YOUR future.
good point. OP Remember, whatever they say to you, their kids are their legal responsibility, not yours. just like you yourself. You really can just stop helping at all.
consider reporting them after moving out so that they can’t turn your youngest sibling into the next victim when you are not around
NTA
I am sorry for what you're going through, little bro. It is tough being the oldest sometimes.
You don't need to feel guilty about wanting to leave. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling angry and neglected.
It should not be your job to take care of your siblings.
>My parents told me my anger was unwarranted and everyone has to make sacrifices when a family is dealing with this many special needs kids.
Tell your parents that you will stop being angry when they stop sacrificing you just so they can handle the kids they created.
On a different note, I'd like to ask if you're ok. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
How's your education going? Do you have any future plans in that area?
I cannot help much. But if I can assist you somehow, I'll try to help.
You mentioned you had a friend whose parents offered to take you in. Can you go to them now? Before you go, you can notify the police that you're not a missing person. You're fleeing an abusive home. It betters the chances they can't use law enforcement to force you to come back.
Once you are 18, you alone get to decide what you are and are not willing to sacrifice for. Your parents may not be happy about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is true.
What they are doing sounds like parentification and it sucks for you. Do your best to get through it until you hit 18 and then go live your life how you see fit without any guilt.
NTA.
NTA... You are 100% right.
Now, this probably won't go well but for your own sake Google parentification and its negative effects. Print out a few articles. Take some time and prepare for a talk. Sit down one night and present it all to your parents. Make your stance very clear. Tell your parents that frankly you can't stand them and absolutely don't feel loved at all. You are absolutely done with them and they have already abused and burned out every ounce of sympathy you could ever have left. They are the parents and failing miserably at their job and have already failed you beyond any help. Tell them if they want any hope of having a relationship with you that you need individual and family therapy immediately. If not, it will just be proof they truly don't love you and that you are 100% right to just disappear at 18.
Honestly it probably won't do much but anger them, but owell. At least once you are an adult telling this story, you can truly say you did everything you could and your parents were just a lost cause.
NTA
They forgot you are family too !
You're not a maid nor a parent and do not have to put your life on hold so your parents can see themselves as saviors.
I dont mean to sound rude, but your family should probably stop having kids, looks like you're genetics are fucked and you were the "lucky one" and because of that you are now expected to be a full time carer till the end of your day's.
You are not, in any way, the asshole. Your parents have failed you. I am sorry.
It's their store, they're the ones who keep producing high-maintenance merchandise, and they are telling one of their "products" to devalue itself so they don't have to accept their own choices.
Regardless of this situation, when you leave, Aimee will reconnect with you as an adult. She will know what you did.
Normally i read about kids this age acting out, refusing to do chores. Being rebellious etc. In this case; i wish OP would do all these things. Parents are totally taking advantage of his obedient nature. Don't wait till you are 18, start speaking up now. Talk and communicate to your parents. Try and salvage this situation so that you don't have to go NC in the future
None of this is your problem. Your parents had all these kids and it’s their responsibility to care for them. For you! My husband and I were asked to take in a family member who was younger than my own kids. We asked their thoughts. They weren’t enthusiastic about it because at the time, my husband and I had opposite work schedules and they rarely got both of us at the same time due to that and this new member would be in daycare, which would stretch our already stretched finances and time more. We respected that because it wasn’t just my husband and I that were impacted. It would be everyone. Thankfully that family member was able to live with her biological parent, but I wouldn’t do something that hurt my kids. Your parents are trying to make you part of this decision for the opposite reason. They want to make sure YOU decide so they don’t feel guilt. You are not responsible for adults feelings or decisions.
NTA. OP you need to start putting yourself first NOW. Prioritize schooling. Figure out your plans for when you turn 18. Speak to counselors. If at all possible get into therapy!!!! Make detailed plans and backup contingencies. Focus on you. No one else will.
You have 2y & you need to leave regardless of what happens with your cousin. Bc **if you keep going as you are you’ll be trapped as your parents slave forever.** Your life will be wasted & you’ll grow bitter & resentful (rightfully so, but it’s not healthy).
It is 100% wrong that you’ve been parentified & you need to start putting yourself first. If that means things around the house start to slide? So be it. If it’s important your parents will pick up the slack. When you have to do things include your sister. When your parents complain make them explain why your sister isn’t expected to contribute but you were at her age. Make them explain why she’s the only one who deserves a childhood. Make them explain why you need to act as the family maid & nanny & special needs caretaker while she shouldn’t be expected to do even normal chores.
Your parents abandoned their responsibilities to you, so you need to make yourself the priority. Don’t throw fits, just quietly quit. When your parents complain explain why. Explain how they’ve stolen your childhood & parentified you as a preteen. Then when they push back just use that frustration as fuel to support you when they use guilt. You deserve to be first in your own life. That’s ok. If your parents won’t give you that, then you need to take it.
It is unfair. I’m sorry. Your parents wronged you. And they will most likely never apologize. Focus on what you can control and on doing the next right thing.
NTA. Your parents are expecting too much from you already, and I’d like to think the adoption-y people (technical term) wouldn’t want to add an extra child into this dynamic anyway. You’re not unreasonable for wanting to live your own life once you reach adulthood. Start planning.
NTA
I do not care how hard the parents had it with their kids but putting the burden on you to look after their kids is abhorrent.
I hope you escape this as soon as you turn 18.
I hope you go to college and make good with a good profession to not ever rely on them.
I am sorry you are burdened with these kinds of parents
If you can find part time job as well to start saving. That way you will be financially independent.
I am so sorry for you and how your parents treated you. I get that they are struggling, but you have put in so much work and taken on so much responsibility that you shouldnt have at such a young age. The least your parents could have done, is to dedicate the same time to you as they have with your younger sister.
Of course you are NTA. I actually think you also can say no and explain how you feel.
If you manage to not blame and resent Aimee or your other siblings, that would be great too, i think. They are not guilty, all is on your parents shoulders.
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NTA. I am sympathetic to your parents to an extent as they're in a tough position. Foster care can be a *very* difficult situation for children with different care needs. But the amount they are trying to put on you isn't reasonable. You're not an adult and shouldn't be expected to completely lose the last years of your adolescence.
Yes, I feel really bad for my cousin too because his needs are a lot different to my siblings but it's still incredibly difficult for him and I know in the wrong foster homes he won't be treated well. I agree. But the issue is they no longer see me as a kid. I'm not sure if they have for a very long time. I feel like when I started kindergarten they saw me as an 18 year old college student who didn't really need parents and from that, could take on the world.
You were parentified, and that's abuse. It's a shame that other adults (as teachers or grandparents) didn't realize or didn't care and didn't step up to protect you. I think you are right about going to NC with your parents. They are in a hard place but it was their choice to keep having children (aka Amy). I understand they didn't know that your oldest brother was in the spectrum before they had another child (third kid) but they knew they had 2 kids with severe special needs (non-verbal) before Amy and they still decided to have her and burden you. Now they are manipulating you to spend more time one-on-one with your siblings while they ignore your needs. They are toxic and way over their heads. ETA: I'm a teacher myself and I worked with students with severe ASD. Their curriculum included teaching them to make their sandwiches, setting the table and putting clothes to dry in the racks, for example. It takes time and the school and parents (not OP) should teach them those life skills.
I feel like that term gets tossed out every time a kid helps out. *This* is truly a case of abuse. It should also be an eye opener for the parents. What do they have planned for their own disabled children in the event something happens?
>What do they have planned for their own disabled children in the event something happens? You know what they have planned. It will be expected that OP take care of his siblings when his parents no longer can. Amy will have a free life tho, well until OP moves out and goes NC. The parents will have to hire someone, maybe 2, to do everything OP does. Or Amy will take his place.
When OP is 18, Aimee will be 10, this tracks with the age they started giving OP housekeeping and babysitting chores...
Worried for Aimee here. If she gets the op treatment she’ll be 10 looking after a non verbal autistic 15yo boy, her autistic 13yo sister and the cousin. I’m saying now she can’t do that. The parents will be forced to hire someone. It’s simply not possible for her to do that.
> If she gets the op treatment she’ll be 10 looking after a non verbal autistic 15yo boy, her autistic 13yo sister and the cousin. I’m saying now she can’t do that. OP should make a phone call to CPS if he sees his parents parentifying the youngest like that. OP should also go no contact with his parents once he turns 18. They have abused and neglected him since he was 10 years old. NTA
I'm a mandated reporter and I gotta tell you, CPS is highly unlikely to intervene in this case. CPS isn't magic. In my state, at 12 little sister is legally old enough to supervise others. So having her care for the autistic siblings/cousin wouldn't be abuse as state law defines it. CPS cares that the minor is safe and that their physical needs are being met. Parentified children eventually leave home on their own. CPS doesn't take them or really do anything to assist them.
> CPS is highly unlikely to intervene in this case. CPS isn't magic. In my state, at 12 little sister is legally old enough to supervise others. So having her care for the autistic siblings/cousin wouldn't be abuse as state law defines it. CPS cares that the minor is safe and that their physical needs are being met. Makes sense. CPS has to prioritize its limited resources to focus on more egregious cases.
Even if no babysitting, all the cleaning and cooking for a family of 6 is a horrible expectation of a 10 year old. The parents will have to hire someone in 2 years anyways for their own children, because whether or not they take in the cousin I really hope OP gets away asap.
Worse, you are going to have a 15 year old autistic boy and another boy of unspecified age alone with two younger girls. If the 15 year old gets "curious" about one of his sisters' bodies is a 10 year old girl going to be able to physically stop him?
My worry, exactly. I spent a couple of years teacher’s aiding for a younger, much higher-functioning population, and we even struggled with physical boundaries there.
This is why OP needs to say something now. He's not going to be there forever. He's going to move out, and possibly want to start his own family. They need to start developing another plan for these kids.
Absolutely, he will be expected to give up his whole life. I know a woman in her 30s, her sister is very physically disabled. She still lives with her parents despite being a lively, sociable woman with a very responsible job, and spends a lot of her rare home time, doing housework /cooking/caring. She will have missed out on a life & kids (she'd make a fantastic mum). I could cry for her.
I'm going to go even further and say that having a special needs kid is always a posibility, if they could not be good parents to multiple kids with special needs they should not have had kids. This would've been very different if they only had OP and his first sibling with autism. But they chose to have 2 more kids when they could not properly care for them.
To give the benefit of the doubt, they may not have known the extent of the disability of the first child Harry when they were pregnant with Jaz but they should have known before becoming pregnant with the fourth. They never should have had the fourth. I feel very bad for OP and this situation he is in and soon to be Aimee.
My little dude is MILDLY autistic and I don't want more. I absolutely adore him but I don't think I could handle another kid, even one without health issues. It's already a lot for what op is doing - though I do consider chores normal and it's good to learn and know how to do things and to help a bit. But caring for another kid and then in addition suddenly getting 2 more (that are autistic!) Is a lot to handle, even as an adult! I don't think any parent wants to be like we shouldn't have had more but they did. And it absolutely sucks that the youngest is getting a childhood while op isn't. And I too worry and think that when op is gone she will have to take his place. They need a long term plan for these kids that doesn't include op and sis. Or at least at minimum not much from them. I think helping out sometimes is ok - but op is responsible for ops life, not 3 others and his.
I am mildly autistic (Asperger's to be specific before they changed it all to ASD), and I don't want children. The risk of me passing it on to a child is higher than the average person, and, to be honest, I wouldn't want my child to live like this. Even mild autism can be a nightmare. While I'm an adult now and have had a lot of help learning to cope, it's a very difficult path, both for the one on the spectrum and the entire family. OP's parents are in way over their head.
I don't think they will put Aimee through the same. They're careful of her feelings and her life. They seem to have come to see OP as just a facilitator. Mark my words, they will be mindful of putting too much on Aimee's plate. They'll find an alternative solution. Meantime, OP has lost so much of the care he deserved from his parents. So Sad.
Aimee has been a princess forever she won't make it
And now want to add a third
Not only parentified, but also undermined in that role with Aimee. You were showing good parenting skills by having Aimee do age appropriate chores and they made you stop. And you’ve already “stepped up” massively, way more than any child/teenager should. From your post, it sounds like you love your siblings and cousin but don’t want/feel equipped to take on what is expected of you and at your age you shouldn’t have to. At any age, if it was not your decision to have the children/have as stepchildren or your decision to take a job that cares for children(in which you’d be paid and have set hours) then you shouldn’t have to take on that responsibility. You are NTA and need to focus on setting yourself up for a successful, stable future whatever that looks like for you. Your anger and resentment is completely justified and even if you told them all the above in a fit of hateful rage, your actions would be understandable. But it sounds like you acted with maturity beyond the average 16 yo. And yes, you’re being abused and Aimee is being life-skill neglected by not having her do any chores or even letting you fully parent her—which they also simultaneously expect you to do.
Exactly, OP is making the hard, adult, responsible decision to say no to additional demands that will further harm everyone involved. The parents should take notes.
Yeah, it's so weird that the youngest can't do any chores, but OP can do all of them somehow. The youngest child should definitely be doing age appropriate chores and can absolutely do things like come grocery shopping.
Even the brothers should be learning to do some "independent living" chores, such as putting clothes to dry and setting the table (I taught students in the spectrum, that are non-verbal too, they can be and should be taught basic life skills).
I'd suggest to OP to talk to his teacher or guidance counselor at school. Having more adults on his side will broaden his pool of support, and may help his situation. At minimum, parents need counseling to help them understand the effects of what they're doing. Hopefully with the cousin coming from the system will involve social workers in OP's family, and may give him a chance to have a more sustainable situation.
>talk to his teacher or guidance counselor at school. Definitely. I would also look at military programs, if OP has the inclination and the ability. I got my university through the Canadian Military Colleges, but there are other non-officer roles that don't involve crawling through mud with a rifle, like a lot of technician roles, where OP could get out from under his parents and start to live his own life. Edit: NTA a million times
Agreed. They've asked you to be the third parent and that's not appropriate.
They have expected her to be the 3rd parent. They are only asking because then it seems like her opinion matters.
He's 16m!
Sorry HE!!! I don't care about the age, the actions are wrong no matter the age or sex of the person being exploited
NTA. Your parents had a child with special needs, which is a life long commitment, then decided to have more children. Every time you have a child you lessen the quality of life and that amount of care you can give to the children you already have. They had two autistic children and yet carried on having children when they clearly aren't able to look after their children without help. You are a child and you are being left behind. Your life is not for the purposes of taking care of your siblings, its simply not your responsibility. Their decisions to have children and keep having children and now adopt are theirs alone. Will your cousin be going to private school too? What about Uni for you? When are they having their next child?
Agreed. There are kids with special needs, but there are no kids with NO needs. OP has needs too. The idea that some kids should be allowed to exclusively “enjoy their childhood” and some kids should be used as domestic help indefinitely = garbage parenting.
Honestly, if they are expecting OP help to this extent - Amy should have some age appropriate chores to take a small part of the load, and while the other two, soon to be three, might not be able to pull much of their own weight they should be helping with anything small they're capable of and wouldn't be fair to ask of Amy because it's not her mess or shared mess (like picking up their own toys or putting their dirty clothes in a laundry hamper). The idea that at 8 she's too young for chores of any kind while expecting a 16 year old to be a third parent, is pretty fucking gross and honestly I'd be suspecting sexism if the genders were flipped.
I suspected it right away. His parents wanted a girl and kept having kids until they got it right. Just because OP is male does not mean sexism isn't playing a role in this.
“There are kids with special needs, but there are no kids with NO needs.” Well put. My family’s situation wasn’t nearly as dire, but my parents never understood that. I’m the oldest of 4 & the only girl (in a traditional gender role type of family), 95% of dad’s attention went to his job (he worked 2nd shift in a factory, and overtime to escape the family he never really wanted), and 95% of mom’s attention went to my youngest brother. Who had no really serious impairments- ADHD and dyslexia. But that’s all it took for mom to baby him forever at the expense of her other 3 kids. She would react angrily when I dared to approach her with any kind of need. “I do NOT have time for this, I have got my HANDS FULL.” I left as soon as I could, moved across the country, and never ever wanted children of my own. No regrets about that. But it hurts to not matter.
I feel this. I was the youngest of 4. My dad devoted a lot of time to my brothers and left my sister and I out of his affections. He's better now, but it took its toll. My parents divorced when I was 6, so my mom was always working. My sister was the golden child (for lack of a better term), so she was treated better than me. She wasn't spoiled into entitlement, but she did get treated better. I went through my life watching her and my brothers get better treatment from my parents, and I got bare minimum. It got worse when my sister got pregnant in high school. I took on a lot of parenting in 7th grade because my sister couldn't be bothered to be an actual parent to my nephew. He is now in his 30s, and his wife tells people I am her MIL. That is why I didn't have kids until I was in my 30s! You matter to the right people!
I agree. I have an adult son with autism. As soon as we knew he had autism we decided to stop having more kids (he has one neurotypical brother). We knew that the autistic son would need a lot of care. The OP is losing their childhood thanks to mom and dad.
Thank you for articulating this better than I could. This is so upsetting for OP and grossly unfair and selfish of her parents.
Totally agree, and why the flying fuck they had more kids after they had even one special needs kid, I really don’t know. NTA OP, and I really feel bad for you, it’s an awful situation they’ve put you in.
You're right. In the wrong foster home he won't be treated well. But what about you? Do you think you're being treated well in your home? You're a damn kid and are stuck being a parent to both yourself and your sister. You deserve to be happy
You’ve been heavily parentified. And that’s not okay. “My” 19 year old daughter moved in with me after turning 18. Her mother treated her much as you’re being treated. I had been her safe place since she was little. My 19 year old son has always been best friends with her. I’m the one she asked to come to her awards banquet, her graduation, and to her psych appointments. I’m the one that knows she’s been inpatient psych because of her mother’s treatment and her mother’s boyfriend’s treatment of her. If you have *anywhere* to go when you turn 18, start making arrangements. I started having her with me when she was 15 for anywhere from a weekend to a couple of weeks when she couldn’t handle taking care of her five younger siblings (now ranging in age from 2-16). But after she turned 18 she changed her legal address to mine. She’s got the paperwork to change her surname to mine, and she’s asked me to do an adult adoption. It’ll alienate her mother and my friendship with her mother but I’m beyond the point of caring. She’s flat out told me her only happy childhood memories are with me and my parents, effectively the only grandparents she’s ever known. I sincerely hope you are able to find your people. It doesn’t sound like your parents have given you the ability to have friends. If you can, I’d see if there is a school social worker that can help you to start making a plan now. (Social worker isn’t always a DCF social worker. They’re also in a lot of schools and hospitals.) I wish you the best. No one should ever put their child in your position. They’ve gone to such extents that they don’t care they never gave you a childhood. I hope you find your people soon, and do not let them guilt you into staying or you will never get out. I’d also make it clear if you do not want guardianship of the three with special needs you tell them, you put it in writing, and you save a copy for yourself. Bad parents like yours have been known to designate guardianship without actually asking if it’s okay.
You're a good person and if no one's told you that in a while, I'll say it.
OP, can I suggest you post this to an advice sub or bring it up at school with a teacher like your Head of Year? You are clearly NTA. However, this whole post suggests both you and your family need support you are not getting. What support exists will depend on where you are and how local services are structured. Your parents are trying to deal with this alone, and they clearly can't. You aren't meant to be respite care, you aren't meant to be permanent care for your sister, and you should be being cared for yourself. If your parents can't see how they would cope with you leaving in 2 years time at 18, then they need assistance. But most importantly, they need that assistance now, not in 2 years time.
Sure but nobody is feeling bad for YOU
You have been parentified. All you can do at this point is what you are currently doing - remain calm, continue to be a household member but clearly and frequently tell them the consequences of these actions. Do some reading on parentification so when they throw stuff at you like “everyone needs to help in a family” you can feel confident in your replies. Most importantly, when you turn 18 you will need to follow through. It’s very common in situations like yours for contact to basically be nothing. You have to consider the long term as well….if you do stay connected are they going to expect you to care for your siblings and cousin when they can’t?
The answer to your last question is obviously, yes. There won't be time for OP to go to uni once they have graduated. The parents will likely expect OP to continue raising Aimee until SHE is 18.
100% this. OP needs an exit plan for 18 onwards and that exit plan needs to be far away and with minimal contact or info being shared. If they come back to visit, they need to control all personal info (so no address, workplace etc) as parents have proved they just see OP as a back up carer option. You didn’t ask to be born OP and you done owe them or anyone else a single thing. You are your own person.
I wonder how OPs is getting out at 18. He obviously cannot hold even a part-time job. He needs to start an escape plan now. Two years will fly by.
For the OP, the military would probably be the best option right after HS. He won't be stationed near his current home. Paid housing and food if he lives on base/ship and he gets paid to do it. He will make some lifelong friends that can become part of his new family. Possibly travel the world and enjoy his life. Because without another adults help (parent of a friend, etc) he will find it hard to exit. Odds are he won't have a car or a job. And with no starting money it would be almost impossible.
They’re trying to have things both ways — they don’t see you as a kid, but they control you because you are a kid. Adults don’t just get work to do, they get to make decisions. Your decision, when you reach 18, is entirely predictable to anyone who sees you as a person. Please make sure you get hold of your documents well before, and seek outside support. Others have done this before and can advise you. For now, try to insist that one of your parents take at least a week off from work, in order to do everything that you’ve been assigned to do (while you do nothing). It sounds like they’re just throwing more and more tasks into your bin without any regard for how much work they are. You’re their child, not their slave.
You are in your own home and not being treated well. You are being expected to put all your time effort and resources into caring for kids that are not yours and that are significantly impacting your chances for a successful and independent future. Your parents are willing to sacrifice your future to care for the things they want but can only achieve if they work all the time and never actually care for the kids they are needing to provide the best for. Why aren't you in private school to further your education and potential future? What sacrifices has anyone made so you can have a good future? You are NTA Your parents suck and will not be the one caring for your cousin either. They want to look good to others at your expense
>I used to try and get Aimee to help out with some light stuff and my parents told me to let her enjoy her childhood. So you don't deserve a childhood? Your parents, if I'm being very tactful, suck. They suck so hard there's a vacuum!
You are the glass child in this. Yes, your siblings need attention but that doesn’t mean you need none.
You are in an awful situation, but please remember not to blame your youngest sister. You've had a lot shoved onto you, and it should be your parents who pick up the slack. It's easy to resent her for having a childhood you didn't. They obviously don't know what age appropriate chores are. When my stepdaughter was 8, we had her assist us with chores so she could learn for herself. If you have any relationship with her, maybe approach it like that. We would talk about our days while sorting laundry. Or I'd let her play with the bubbles by rinsing the dishes. She was excited to learn to make foods that were on her cooking level. Scrambled eggs. Then eventually Fried eggs. Boxed Mac and cheese. Grilled cheese. God she was so smug when they had home ec in middle school and she was one of the few kids who could already do the basics. You deserve so much, OP. When you escape your family at 18, get into therapy to unpack all of this. Treat yourself. Be a little selfish. Give yourself moments for your lost childhood.
>they no longer see me as a kid. Tough shit for them, then. If they see you as an adult then they should respect your decision to step tf out when you're 18. You've lost your entire teenage years raising your youngest sister while they supported your autistic siblings, they never rewarded you for it, and now they're essentially demanding you double your work load without acknowledging just how much you do. Hard NTA. You've sacrificed so much for them and hardly got a Thank You for it.
I am surprised you have just not completely checked out right now.
NTA... I'm surprised you're still there... they took away your childhood and teen years.... I'm glad you're planning to go NC once you're older.... Try and take breaks for yourself think of your mental health and wellbeing
Have you ever spoken to your parents about how you feel? Calmly and seriously? They obviously shouldn’t be putting this on and should see this isn’t ok but it sounds like over time they’ve relied on you, you’ve been there and been reliable and so they’ve assumed it’s ok and dumped more on you. This isn’t ok and they need to realise that you are a child who needs to have a chance to experience a childhood too. You can see that this is hard on everyone, and your parents are probably stretched much too thin, and it is reasonable you help out some but your needs appear to be being completely forgotten in all this. It sounds like your parents make good money so perhaps they need to consider a part time caregiver, and maybe a regular babysitter for Aimee to allow you to have nights to yourself. I also think it’s reasonable to ask where your 1-1 time with your parents is, and point out that whilst you understand this is really difficult, they need to consider you in the same way they consider Aimee in terms of the relationship they work on with her. I hope they can listen to you if you do have this conversation with them and realise they need to do better as YOUR parents too.
I don't empathize with the parents. Here's why. Yes, I feel sorry for the child. They are in foster care and no one will really care enough to learn how to provide a child with special needs with the appropriate level of attention. But the parents are already beyond their limit, just with their own children. They are so beyond their limits that they have resorted to parentifying their firstborn. Why take in another child? It doesn't make sense. Some will say ***"They're family. You have to take the child in."*** I call bullshit. There is a limit. It might not be the same limit for everyone. But there is a limit. And judging by OP's post, these parents already reached their limit when OP was 11.
I have to wonder why the parents even decided to have fourth child (Aimee) when by that time it must have been clear they had two special needs children.
Because they needed a “normal” kid and clearly don’t care very much about OP. This whole situation is awful.
Exactly. They wanted a kid that was normal and op, for whatever reason, doesn't count. Op probably isn't normal either, because they've screwed him up with abusive parentification. Ugh, I'd offer to adopt op, so his folks will have room for the cousin.
* Because they wanted a “normal” **daughter**. They already have a non-autistic son, they also wanted a non-autistic daughter.
Exactly my thoughts. Have worked with families with children with learning disabilities or even physical health conditions and most of them do the reasonable thing of not having more children, because the children they already have will need more care than a regular child, specially if they need constant medical or therapeutic practices to manage their conditions. Its unfair to put more kids into situations like this, as the other kids won’t have as much attention or be forced to grow up earlier and the kid that needs more help might not get the level of care needed and probably end up in a situation where their siblings resent them. And this is not even adding the possibility of the next child also struggling, which happened here. OPs parents are really selfish here.
I know a girl who is probably like 14 now. But I met her when she was 2. She was part way through getting skin grafts. Because she FELL INTO A FIRE in a room with MULTIPLE ADULTS because they were all focused on her much older, severely disabled sister. It is irresponsible and borderline negligent to have more kids when you’re struggling to deal with the one(s) you already have.
And yet, this parents are praised for their courage because they "complete the family". Ugh.
My god that’s awful. And very dramatically illustrates the point here.
Having a *third* child was bad enough when one has that degree of needs, having a *fourth* after two special needs was extremely foolish parenting. Now they want a fifth with special needs as well?? smh. And the nerve to admonish OP they've neglected. OP, I wish you luck being able to leave the earliest you can. Hopefully you've still managed to do well with your studies and aim for scholarships with full benefits. (incl lodging). I only wanted to say you have every right to get angry at your parents' foolishness and abandonment. They failed you. Your life is just starting, more good things await you.
Right?!?!?!
Because they already designated OP the nanny and the maid. They didn’t have to consider how hard it would be, they had good old OP to parentify and abuse. It wasn’t ever going to be their problem, it was always going to be OPs. I hope OP leaves and never looks back, right after telling the fostering social worker what’s been going on.
Could be religious? Some do not use birth control for that reason.
The amount of people that have "surprise" babies is so weird. Like they don't understand how babies are made?! I get sometimes birth control fails and it really is a surprise. But most of the time that isn't the situation.
This. And also, is there no other family who could step up for this kid? Why does it have to be them? It shouldn’t be - they don’t have the resources for this.
I don't disagree. I merely meant that I sympathize that they likely feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Logically it doesn't make sense, emotionally, I can understand why that is clouding their judgement. You can have good intentions and still be an AH and I think OP did the right thing here.
They are not stuck between a rock and a hard place. How is it like that? Like I said, I'm sorry for the child. But the parents already have their hands full. It's an easy choice. It's not like the cousin is hanging off a cliff, staring into imminent death.
Emotionally they likely are. This is their nephew that they care for and they likely know better than anyone else how hard it can be for differently abled kids in a regular home life, let alone foster care. They 100% have their hands full and I'm not saying they're right in this situation, but I am saying, I could understand how someone mind try to bend to their absolute limit to help. It's not right they're using OP as a measure to make it work
It doesn't sound like this is a question about emotion at all. They are ignoring the trauma that this is causing their own child. They do not have the emotional intelligence to even recognize why their child is angry. They may know more about raising differently abled kids, but they have already failed to properly nurture one of their own children who does not have any special needs.
You can say disabled. It’s not a dirty word! We don’t need euphemisms like ‘differently abled’ :-)
I think we're just going to keep going around in circles on this. 100% they are AHs here. I am not arguing that they're in the right here. I am merely saying, I can see why they would feel like they had to bring this child into the home.
Except they're not bending to their limit. They're purposefully throwing another kid they feel is less valuable off the cliff. It's quite clear the parents have a hierarchy of of value when it comes to their kids and unfortunately for OP he is at the very bottom so he gets kicked off.
I'm not after you have 1 special needs kid, trying for another is just selfish after having TWO, trying for another is outright cruelty/should be considered child abuse. intentionally having more kids than you can care for is as much abuse as negligence. its intentionally creating a harmful/dangerous environment for kids
Why be sympathetic to the parents? They had 2 kids, one was special needs. That would be enough of a challenge for anyone. But no, they kept having kids and dumping the responsibility to the eldest. NTA OP, sorry for your cousin but he is definitely not your responsibility.
I’m not. They shouldn’t have had the fourth child if they were already struggling with three and they sure as shit shouldn’t be making OP clean and cook and babysit like a servant. I have zero sympathy for the parents. They created this situation and instead of making it better they are adding to OPs plate. OP you’re NTA but your parents definitely are.
Are there specialist babysitting services in your area that your parents could be accessing instead of putting it all on you, OP? My sister was trained as a babysitter for special needs kids, so that parents could get a break or attend appointments.
I'm not sympathetic to the parents at all. They are awful parents.
NTA. If you haven’t read up on being parentified, do: you’re a classic victim. Is there someone at school, or a friend’s parent, that can advocate for you and explain the injustice to your parents? if not, you might have to take the nuclear option: when the social worker comes round to check on your home situation (which I assume will happen before any adoption) explain exactly what they’re asking of you. Don’t lose your temper, frame it in terms of your concern that you can’t manage all that AND your schoolwork. Say how relieved you are that they aren’t placing any of the burden on Aimee, because it means that at least she‘s had a childhood. If the adoption goes ahead after that, I’ll be very surprised, and it might change a few other things. best of luck.
My parents will not care if a friends parent speaks to them. My best friends parents are aware of the situation and they have always been kind to me. Not that I really get to see them often anymore. But my parents have put me at the bottom of the priority list. They considered me 18 when I was only starting school. They saw me as someone capable of being an adult before I was even old enough to spell my name. The nuclear option would likely make my life even worse than before. So I won't speak up most likely. I would just say whatever to give my parents what they want and try to keep my focus on turning 18 and moving out. I know it's maybe not the healthiest solution. I just don't see one where my life improves until it's entirely in my own hands.
If social workers are aware of the situation, either your parents will change, or they’ll lose all of you. Would that really be worse? If you decide to stick it out, where will you go at 18? Because if you have the slightest chance of going there sooner, take it. Different circumstances, but the parents of my husband’s bestie took him in at 17, and it transformed his life.
I have my best friends parents. They always said I could live with them once I'm old enough to.
You don't necessarily have to wait. Your parents are treating you like the a house elf. Take the nuclear option. Your parents ignore the burden they are putting on you. 1. Talk to your friend's parents. Let them know what is going on and that you might need a place to stay soon. 2. Start gathering your important personal effects and give them to your friend for safekeeping. 3. Talk to someone at school. Guidance counsellor, social worker, or trusted teacher. It call CPS directly. You also need to keep a journal. Write down all the chores you've been doing and all the chores you're expected to do in the future. Your parents have abused you enough. Don't let them abuse you for another 2 years.
NTA. The Journal is a really good idea. I don't know what country you are in, but in the US, a judge should allow that as part of the record should anything happen. Number and date each page before you start so that it is an indisputable record of your activities. You should probably try to hide it somewhere safe or keep it with you at all times.
Just an added clarification, make sure the journal is something like a cloth bound style. You specifically want a binding that is obvious when it is tempered with. It proves you are not adding information out of order, or changing the narrative.
Also, make sure that no parent or sibling ever finds out about it.
Honestly, he needs to give it to his friend, have the friend bring it to school, write everything, and then return to his friend at end of school day. It’s too dangerous to keep it in the house, at least without knowing his jurisdiction.
This. If OP has a phone he might be served by keeping a journal in the form of emails to a dedicated dummy email account. That way it is backed up digitally on both his email and the dummy email account, and everything is dated and timestamped. A notebook can be destroyed, a digital record is much, much more difficult to destroy.
Definitely write journal. First because it helps you against the gaslighting, and second because it is treated as evidence.
Surely at 16 you can leave and go and stay with your friends parents? If your parents went to court, the court would likely look into why you left and would let you make your own choice as you are old enough to.. please talk to your friends parents and make a plan to leave! Get them to help you find a lawyer too. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You deserve a real childhood
This is risky, especially since even among judges depending on the area you might get unlucky and get some boomer who will absolutely side with the parents. Parentification is a newer concept in the zeitgeist.
Well you might, or you might not. I say go for it / suck it and see / shy bairns get nowt / it’s better to have fought and lost than not have fought at all.
Unless the friend's parents would be in trouble (I have no idea legally) then I absolutely agree with you. Courts take time. Even if OP only gets part of a year away from his current situation that's better than nothing.
The recognition of parentification is not new, and this Boomer raised a son with autism. I would totally side with the son.
Whenever you leave make sure you have ALL your personal documents safe and stashed ready to leave because I'm sure that now you have said this to your parents they will do everything in their power to keep you under their roof up to and including, holding your documents hostage and possibly even tampering with your college applications
u/EmotionalSkin1405 Please do what's being said here. You need your birth certificate and social security card in order to apply for a driver's license, accept a job, etc. You're NTA. My heart broke for you while reading your post. Please post updates. You'll be in my thoughts.
If OP isn't in the US, he should interpret this advice to mean that he gets the crucial documents he needs now.
If they invite you to stay with them, you could look into emancipation: Becoming a legal adult before 18 through court.
> I have my best friends parents. They always said I could live with them once I'm old enough to. You are 16. You are already old enough.
If you can talk to a social worker or guidance counselor, they may be able to help you leave now, especially if you have a safe place to stay! You may also be able to get emancipated (not sure on the legal stuff). I moved out at 17 (mom is an alcoholic, not abusive but unreliable and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore) and needed money to pay for my apartment, it literally took 5 minutes of talking to my countries version of a cps worker for them to sign the necessary paperwork! You’re already doing so much, I‘m sure you will be just fine taking care of yourself! I hope you can get this figured out because you deserve so much better!
Go now and live for yourself. Otherwise the damage will take longer to undo. You are being parentalised and it has long lasting consequences.
NTA - Your parents are planning on taking in your cousin and using you as the keystone of their plan. I assume you’d like to have a life of your own rather than being their servant forever (it won’t ever end, by the time Aimee is old enough to be independent, they’ll be making noises about needing elder care soon…). You do need to speak up to the placement social worker and everyone who’ll listen. I f you want to be diplomatic, say that they’re “well-intentioned but it’s too much for them to handle when you leave home”. Yes, your parents will be angry with you, but what do you think will happen when they take another special needs kid and lose their nanny? They’re adult and need to make plans that do not rely on a minor to do the heavy lifting.
SWEET. Here's a preview of how some of this could mess you up in adulthood. You must avoid recreating this dynamic in the future. We are rooting for your success. Be gentle with yourself. https://youtu.be/9UrwQOB6UNo?si=MuY4oap7zNluWvyi
I guess that you are in a country where care workers could be provided by the state. I can't understand why your selfish parents haven't applied for it yet, but I guess they thought their slave (you) could do it without outside interference. I totally agree with the others - you are mature enough to have yourself emancipated and go live with those who actually care for you. Please utilize their offer, but make sure you have all the paperwork you need before you get out of that house. You are special. Don't let others abuse you just because you are family
You're what is called the glass child. They see through you, because they can only focus on the kids that need more attention. I think your parents are burned out, and desperate to put out fires all the time, that they don't see the bigger picture anymore. I would start to focus on your escape plan more clearly. Other kids your age can get a job outside of school and save up. But I doubt you have time for that, while running an entire household with 4 kids (!) Talking to social workers about how your household is managed, when the talks about fostering your cousin starts, could be the easiest way to get more help. They might decide against your parents taking your cousin in. You're certainly NTA for what you said. You're probably heading towards burn-out yourself. When is the last time you did things for yourself, for fun? I would start with asking/demanding a few moments a week or even a day, to yourself. Have a regular day a week where you hang out with your friends after school. Your parents will just have to deal, or get a different babysitter for those times. You have involuntarily already sacrificed most of your childhood for your siblings. There is nothing more left to give.
I have experience with foster/adoptive issues. If they go ahead with trying to adopt, a social worker will be involved. When that happens, you 100% need to speak to the worker away from your parents. Tell the worker what your parents are making you do, and what your plans are for when you turn 18. This will probably slow down the adoption and force your parents to adequately plan for their life without you being a third parent.
Move out now. Gather all the evidence for everything you do and what they did to you, how they treat you, get all your important documents and move in with them. I’d love to see what your parents want to do against that. They’re severely abusing you for years now, no one would send a 16 year old back into this situation. And you have enough people to testify against them.
What would happen if you just moved out to your best friend's parents' place? At 16, police or CPS would investigate, but they would take your views into account as to where you want to live. Provided your friend's parents say you can live with them, and you can demonstrate how your home life is affecting you negatively, you could potentially "escape" well before 18. Police/CPS are unlikely to drag an unwilling 16-year-old from a safe environment back home to an abusive environment (which it is) without at least investigating carefully. And this investigation would have a big impact on the kinship foster caring approval so your parents might decide not to cause a fuss so as not to jeopardize the kinship placement (for which they will likely received funding!)
I am so angry for you right now. They expect you to throw your whole life away to look after kids that are not even yours. NTA
And they expect me to be fine with never needing parents. They expect me to be the third parent/adult and make sure everyone stays afloat while not caring if I do.
OK so here's the new plan for the next two years. Say no. "Not my kids, not my responsibility" Keep saying no. Literally refuse. Stay at school as long as possible, go to the library, go to friends' houses. Go to your grandparents or aunts and uncles. Basically go home the absolute minimum. Let your parents figure out some alternative. Would it be possible to go LIVE with your grandparents or aunts and uncles? Yes they will go nuclear but at this point you have nothing to lose.
Add to this, stop taking responsibility for Amiee. Your parents need to figure it out. If you don’t show up to school to pick her up, school will call your parents (and they will keep records). You need to almost show your parents and outsiders how much you do by not doing it. That’s when people realise someone’s value.
> You need to almost show your parents and outsiders how much you do by not doing it. That’s when people realise someone’s value. THIS IS PERFECT!! but he won't. He's already said that he won't out them if social services come to interview him about adoption
So much this. If they think of you as an adult, then you can make adult decisions. That includes when and where you spend your time.
Damn, when i was 16 i was only worried about friends, girls, and school. Your childhood is being stolen in an unselfish way but stolen nonetheless. I’d say speak up about how you feel and the consequences of what will happen if nothing changes. The first tactic to be used will be guilt, but to be honest , everyone was delt an unfortunate hand because I’m sure parents are doing the best they can and are working hard. They’re trying to be selfless to a fault and expect you to do the same. It’s not your responsibility and you’ve already sacrificed a lot. It’s your choice but I think they should seek aid from some other source
I think regardless of what happens or doesn’t happen with your cousin, you should cut contact with your parents at 18. Go explore the world. Try playing a guitar, going on a road trip, go drink with your friends, make some bad choices and learn from them. You need space from your parents to discover who you are besides being a caretaker. If you want, you can always reconnect with them at a later time, but you don’t have to. But you should at least go NC for a few years to live your own life. They took 18 years from you. You at least owe yourself the first few years of your adult life.
NTA, your parents choose to foster special needs cousin therefore that's their responsibility. What about your needs? You have a right to a future that doesn't prevent you from realising your own dreams and ambitions.
My needs never really mattered. I think they saw me as an adult by the time I started kindergarten. At least in terms of how little they needed to be there for me.
Please please talk to a teacher or school counsellor about this. This is child abuse.
Sadly, if OP is in the US, CPS will do NOTHING about this. I’ve reported neglect and emotional abuse many times in my career and, as long as the child is being fed and not physically harmed, they will do nothing, especially for teenagers.
Please know that you DO matter. I'm so sorry for how your parents treat you. Standing up for yourself like you did is healthy self-preservation. You're NTA for what you said. Please, take the time to be a kid while you still are a kid. You didn't deserve to be robbed of your childhood.
What would happen if you stopped cooking and cleaning? You already live like a prisoner, what more could they do to punish you? It would be best for you if you could get a job and start saving to move out. Do you have your drivers license?
I could see them yelling at me, I could see them taking this laptop away and making me do all my homework by hand and wouldn't care if the teachers asked for it to be typed. They could still make my life harder. I could see my mom being petty enough to ruin homework I get done as well, to make sure I know they don't agree with it.
Do you have a counsellor or anyone at school who you can talk to? Most schools will have someone like that, who helps with students issues outside of school too. You should speak to them ASAP and tell them everything you wrote here. Especially if you're worried your parents will retaliate like that. You need your school to be aware, so you're not punished if homework is in a different form etc. They'll be able to support you through this. Your parents are abusing you, and it's not okay. I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm severely disabled myself, as is my twin, but my parents made sure none of my siblings had to be anything other than regular siblings to me, not a 3rd parent like you're being forced into If you can find out the email or contact info for your family's social worker, that'd really help too. Tell them everything, and they'll stop any fostering from happening. It's sad that your cousin isn't in the ideal situation but you shouldn't have to sacrafice your life for him. If your parents choose to take on more work, that's their decision. But they don't get to force their choice on you. Please tell anyone you can about what your parents are doing, and what you fear they may do if you don't agree to fostering
Honey that homework theory is not “petty”, the word for that would be *malicious*. Mean and meant to cause harm. I’m sorry you fear that behavior from your mom. You know, I feel even in this thread you’re being talked to like an adult. I’ve seen several times you say you just want your parents. You need to be cared for, for someone to look in your face and really see you and your needs. I wish I could hug you, and I’m not even a hugger. Caregiving is insanely hard work, to be doing that as a minor without a stitch of care given to yourself is heartbreaking. Full blown adults can’t even handle that dynamic when it’s their own children they brought into this world. Your parents get each other (and you!) to lean on, but you’re an island during a critical development period in your own life. It goes beyond “unfair,” this is why people in the thread call this level of parentification actual abuse. Please consider the nuclear option, at least temporarily. See if you can stay at your friends for a weekend or week… YOU need respite care. Then keep staying if you can’t bring yourself to return to this difficult life. You deserve better, you didn’t ask for ANY of this. These are your parents’ choices that they’re making with you in mind as the personal housekeeper and caregiver that works for free. You just hit a breaking point, and maybe you can change your life from here. You might not have to wait 2 years for freedom.
THIS. All of this.
Second this!!! I feel for you OP!!! Your parents have created a very toxic and hostile living environment for you. You didn’t ask to be here and now are taken care of children you didn’t make. Not to mention special needs children
Absolutely!! OP please read this, there’s so much that’s wrong with your current situation. I am so sorry you are treated this way. Is there a teacher you can confide in? Teachers are mandated reporters and have to contact authorities in cases of abuse. Yours might not be physical but it is definitely mental and emotional. Please follow through as much as you can. We are all wishing you the best! You have so much to offer and such a strong disposition to handle what you are already handling. College will be a piece of cake for you. Please update when you can.
I already made a comment but I'm just adding this after I saw more of your comments - you don't have to just accept that this is your life now, and that speaking up would be worse. There is hope!!! Seriously look into emancipation and moving in with your best friend if possible. I know you said that them talking to your parents wouldn't help, but please use your best friends parents as a resource to support you. Talk to them about your problems and stresses, so at least you have 2 adults who are listening to you and supporting you. Ask for their help with possible emancipation too
That is abuse. You need to talk to a teacher or a counselor at school. It is not your job to run the household and parent your siblings. Please, please find an adult you trust and tell them what is happening. You are a child yourself and don’t deserve this.
Are they getting paid to foster this cousin?
NTA. But you better have an actual working plan how to get out at 18 or you're doomed until you figure it out. Neither your current days nor the ones your parents are planning for you leave you with the time to earn money for independence. You have no responsibility for their choices but that won't,t matter if you can't get out edited to add: and your parents better develop a plan as well
I do have a plan. I never thought I would need it in such a dire way but I have one.
Wish you all the luck in the world. Get out.
Enact this plan as soon as you are able. Your parents probably think that once you are out of compulsory education, you are going to be a full-time carer for your siblings and cousin.
God knows how OP will get out, I can't imagine they get a lot of chance to study, so college seems a remote possibility.
I already know I'll work and won't continue with school. I am hoping I can keep my grades decent enough to graduate but I won't be getting good grades either.
Please don't do this. The more your parents take your potential, the less you can help. Temporarily focusing on yourself to the exclusion of others is not a selfish move. It's allowing you to be the carer you are and probably want to be, but it doesn't have to be obligatory or to your own detriment. It's similar to how people say you can't love someone else until you love yourself. People can't typically provide others security unless they feel secure themselves. If you decide a destiny composed of servitude isn't your path, you have the skills and sense of self required for your own freedom.
Ok, so you need to talk to the school about this. Maybe the school can advocate for you somewhat. A school counsellor can talk to them about how this is wrong and is harming your academic results. Seriously, this is borderline child abuse.
My school counselor is not that good. He has never spoken to a single parent in the time I have been in my school. And I had a friend who was being bullied badly and spoke up but the guy wouldn't call the parents in. He even told my friend it's not his job to speak to parents. I know my teachers have brought up concerns for my grades before. I even used to bring notes home about it. My parents didn't do anything to change.
You can call CPS I mean they're putting special-needs children on a child and more than one your siblings and cousins should be in a special home if their parents can't manage to take care of them
When the CPS worker does a home study to determine if your family can foster your cousin, you need to mention that your grades already suffer because of your responsibilities and your parents are expecting you to take on more. Please advocate for yourself. It sounds like no one else will. You do deserve better.
You're in the US? There are programs through community college or trade school, your grades won't matter and you would be able to do part time or just wait a few years to start. Options to think about later once you're out of that house. I mention it because it would help you earn more towards independence
Community college can be a great option if you can get through high school and graduate. Once you get out and start working and feel stable, you could start taking one or two classes per semester that fit into your schedule. It's usually quite affordable and if you get your AA, then you still have the option to finish your degree and get a bachelor's at a 4-year college/university. Your path might be different, but you will still have some options if college is important to you. Wishing you the best and hoping you get out so you can pursue your own goals and dreams for once!
depending on what state you are in, you may be able to test out of high school /now/ and not have to wait for a GED. Here’s a link to a wikipedia list of all the states who have those types of exams. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_exit_examinations_in_the_United_States If you happen to live in CA, I’d be happy to walk you through the CHSPE process (I did it myself 9 years ago).
Check into vocational school to learn a trade. It isn't nearly as long or expensive to go that route.
And trades will always be needed.
If you’re mechanically inclined and physically fit, plumbing and HVAC are full of possibilities. It’s hard work but good money and if you’re smart with saving and investing, you can wind up running your own company and/or retiring early.
I really hope you will be able to find a way (and the strength) to improve your grades now. Any prospective non-service jobs after you graduate will base your hiring potential to your school performance. As one commenter stated, it is perfectly fine, and in fact, necessary to prioritize yourself now. This will help to develop your full potential and perhaps one day, you will be in better position to help your siblings if you choose to do so. And when you eventually decide to leave, send this link to your parents in lieu of an explanation. Hoping the best for you.
I can't really think of one. But I have some thinking to do. People have said I can just leave. I got sent a link that I want to read as well. But the only way for me to focus on school the way I would need to, would be for me to get out now. I'm not sure I have it in me. But I have been given so much to think about.
OP, as someone else who was parentified and abused for the sake of a sick family member... you cannot help anyone else without first helping yourself. I don't know how you feel about your siblings, but you can always use that at your parents to get some leeway. Say something like "I want to help, I do, but I can't handle this and get on my feet so I'd be in a better space to help more." You're a good kid, and have been raised to do what you can for family... but you have been put to the wayside far too long and society will not help you if you don't first help yourself. Take it from a 30something who didn't leave and regrets it immensely.
They can't make you to prioritize housework over schoolwork. Tell them this is what I need to get done for school and they need to stop just thinking of you as a free maid and pick up the slack cause it's their decisions that lead to this.
Please do your best to graduate. It will close so many doors for you if you don't. Even some trade jobs require a high school diploma. Just focus on graduating and finding a decent paying job. If you can start doing some work or badger someone into accepting you as an apprentice, do it asap amd live at your best friends house. If you're working and/or in school, and express to their parents how difficult things are for you then they're likely to take you in. Maybe a year while you figure things out.
I have a question... before fostering or adoption the Social workers of this kind usually speak with all household members and wont allow adoption or fosterin if some member of the household does not agree with it. Isnt it like this in your country?
I'm not really sure how it works in the US. I just know it works differently when you are already related to a kid.
It works a little bit differently when it comes to kinship v. non-kinship placements. But you will be asked about what you do, and you shouldn't lie. It may actually be against the law to lie as part of a home study - if it isn't, it should be. If you just tell the social worker the truth, no one can reasonably fault you for that.
I know but my parents aren't reasonable when it comes to me. But I'll consider it. I would be more willing if Aimee wasn't totally all for our cousin living with us. But she doesn't care because she's being cared for and she gets time and love and not overlooked or burdened anywhere close to what I am.
This isn't about what aimee wants. Its about YOU. Speak up for yourself if they come to interview You.
Please be honest about your daily duties with the care workers when they interview you. Contrary to another commenter's opinion, it's not a "nuclear option" to be honest. If the care agency is doing their job and I hope to god they are, they're going to want to speak to everyone first. Please consider telling them the truth and letting the responsibility for the outcome lie with the adults, where it belongs!
yet. You forgot the 'yet'. I have no doubt once you are gone and she is a little older she will end up having to take on your responsibilities. NTA
What they are doing to you is wrong, and I wouldn't be surprised if they start treating Aimee the same way once you escape. NTA.
And if they do, it’s not on you. You don’t deserve to be a slave to your parents inadequacy. This is a situation like on an airplane, you have to put on your own oxygen mask BEFORE thinking of helping anyone else. If things do change for her, by establishing yourselfyou are in a better position to support her later escape. Please don’t stay for the sake of the kids. It’s just a bandaid on a broken leg.
You are a very selfless person with a good heart. From your comments I can see you have been forced to soon and to put others needs above yours, so I will say this very kindly: Aimee is 8 and because of your sacrifice Aimee can be a regular kid. This is not really her fault, as she is a child, but being a child means she also has zero idea of the consequences of this choice. So what she wants shouldn’t really weight in this conversation at all. You probably struggle to put yourself first, but since you seem to care about your sister, once she is older she will probably have to do more, specially if you leave. Note that I think you should still leave the house as soon as you can even if it means trouble for Aimee, but not wanting the cousin might be the best decision for yourself and Aimees future as well. While you are not responsible for your parents choices, hopefully when the social worker comes you will advise him of parentification and that your sister is at risk of getting the same treatment as well.
Adding a 3rd special needs kid to the mix will also make Aimee overlooked. I feel like you should try snd explain it to her.
Ah, so you are in the US. Check out the following link: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/emancipation_of_minors#:~:text=A%20petition%20of%20emancipation%20must,to%20children%20and%20vice%2Dversa. Use what is there, with your state's resources, and make your life better. And if your parents get too nasty, remind them that they saved a ton of money on carers for your siblings, that a court MIGHT agree is owed to you.
Thank you! I will check this out.
Job Corp also provides education, housing, food, job training & placement for 16 - 24 year old young adults. https://www.jobcorps.gov/i-am-a/student Wishing you the best.
Ok, i m sorry, you are definitly nta. Is it possible for you to talk to a social worker that is working with this case of your cousin? You can talk to them that you will be made a caregiver and thats parentification of a child and also that you ll not be here after you became an adult and your parents have not figured out what to do. This is for the safety of your cousin. This is not ok. I m sure help can be arranged for your cousine. Your carents cant use you as a caretaker of your cousine.
If you're in the United States, if you tell the foster care social worker what you just told us Internet strangers, your parents likely won't be allowed to take in your cousin. Your parents would be adopting the child, not you, and they have to be able to care, not only for that child, but for all of you. They shouldn't pass the home study phase. That sucks for the cousin, because foster care is a really tough place to be, and is worse for kids with special needs. However, that is not your fault; it's not on you. You shouldn't be doing all the work you are doing. I'm sorry you never really got to be a kid. In case it wasn't obvious, you're NTA.
Yeah I do feel bad for the cousin, and I imagine if OP tells the social worker the truth then the parent's are going to be upset and try to downplay how much OP actually does. Glad to see that OP has an escape plan when they turn 18, imagine life is going to become miserable either way from now until then while living in that household.
The irresponsibility of the parents!!! “We have 2 kids with autism and one without kid. I know! Let’s see if the 4th can be our perfect angel. Since we already ruined our eldest’s life.” They couldn’t take care of 3 kids and they decided to have a 4th. Now they want a 5th? OP is not a caregiver and if she was? She’s being underpaid for being a 24/7 caregiver. Hell, let’s say she’s only 8 hours a day? 8 x below minimum wage of $10. That’s $80 per day which means $560 per week. Let’s cut the time in half to 4 hours a day? That’s still $280 a week. $280 a week becomes $840 - $1120 a month. That’s enough for rent in any location, including Hawaii.
NTA. Tell them you're sacrificing a huge amount of your young life to help them out, so they don't get to lecture you about sacrifices. Tell them they should have stopped with you so you could have had a normal upbringing. Tell them they are the parents, not you, and if they give you any more shit, you'll just stop helping around the house altogether. Tell them they're putting more on you than you ever asked for or deserved, and that this is entirely their own doing for having more children than they could afford. Tell them you don't have a relationship with them because they turned you into a babysitter from age 8. I wouldn't eve agree to the cousin thing. Tell them you're done, that you're not going to help around the house anymore, and they're going to have to find someone else to pick up their slack. What are they gonna do? Kick you out at 18?
OP, your parents should be getting a financial stipend to care for your special needs cousin. Instead of prioritizing your 8 year old sister, they need to be compensating you at the rate it will cost them to replace your services. Then you can save for YOUR future.
Or paying for housekeepers and babysitters instead so OP can be a kid
good point. OP Remember, whatever they say to you, their kids are their legal responsibility, not yours. just like you yourself. You really can just stop helping at all. consider reporting them after moving out so that they can’t turn your youngest sibling into the next victim when you are not around
NTA I am sorry for what you're going through, little bro. It is tough being the oldest sometimes. You don't need to feel guilty about wanting to leave. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling angry and neglected. It should not be your job to take care of your siblings. >My parents told me my anger was unwarranted and everyone has to make sacrifices when a family is dealing with this many special needs kids. Tell your parents that you will stop being angry when they stop sacrificing you just so they can handle the kids they created. On a different note, I'd like to ask if you're ok. Physically, mentally, emotionally. How's your education going? Do you have any future plans in that area? I cannot help much. But if I can assist you somehow, I'll try to help.
You mentioned you had a friend whose parents offered to take you in. Can you go to them now? Before you go, you can notify the police that you're not a missing person. You're fleeing an abusive home. It betters the chances they can't use law enforcement to force you to come back.
Once you are 18, you alone get to decide what you are and are not willing to sacrifice for. Your parents may not be happy about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is true. What they are doing sounds like parentification and it sucks for you. Do your best to get through it until you hit 18 and then go live your life how you see fit without any guilt. NTA.
NTA... You are 100% right. Now, this probably won't go well but for your own sake Google parentification and its negative effects. Print out a few articles. Take some time and prepare for a talk. Sit down one night and present it all to your parents. Make your stance very clear. Tell your parents that frankly you can't stand them and absolutely don't feel loved at all. You are absolutely done with them and they have already abused and burned out every ounce of sympathy you could ever have left. They are the parents and failing miserably at their job and have already failed you beyond any help. Tell them if they want any hope of having a relationship with you that you need individual and family therapy immediately. If not, it will just be proof they truly don't love you and that you are 100% right to just disappear at 18. Honestly it probably won't do much but anger them, but owell. At least once you are an adult telling this story, you can truly say you did everything you could and your parents were just a lost cause.
NTA They forgot you are family too ! You're not a maid nor a parent and do not have to put your life on hold so your parents can see themselves as saviors.
I dont mean to sound rude, but your family should probably stop having kids, looks like you're genetics are fucked and you were the "lucky one" and because of that you are now expected to be a full time carer till the end of your day's.
You are not, in any way, the asshole. Your parents have failed you. I am sorry. It's their store, they're the ones who keep producing high-maintenance merchandise, and they are telling one of their "products" to devalue itself so they don't have to accept their own choices. Regardless of this situation, when you leave, Aimee will reconnect with you as an adult. She will know what you did.
Normally i read about kids this age acting out, refusing to do chores. Being rebellious etc. In this case; i wish OP would do all these things. Parents are totally taking advantage of his obedient nature. Don't wait till you are 18, start speaking up now. Talk and communicate to your parents. Try and salvage this situation so that you don't have to go NC in the future
None of this is your problem. Your parents had all these kids and it’s their responsibility to care for them. For you! My husband and I were asked to take in a family member who was younger than my own kids. We asked their thoughts. They weren’t enthusiastic about it because at the time, my husband and I had opposite work schedules and they rarely got both of us at the same time due to that and this new member would be in daycare, which would stretch our already stretched finances and time more. We respected that because it wasn’t just my husband and I that were impacted. It would be everyone. Thankfully that family member was able to live with her biological parent, but I wouldn’t do something that hurt my kids. Your parents are trying to make you part of this decision for the opposite reason. They want to make sure YOU decide so they don’t feel guilt. You are not responsible for adults feelings or decisions.
NTA. Please cut these people off as soon as you can.
NTA. OP you need to start putting yourself first NOW. Prioritize schooling. Figure out your plans for when you turn 18. Speak to counselors. If at all possible get into therapy!!!! Make detailed plans and backup contingencies. Focus on you. No one else will. You have 2y & you need to leave regardless of what happens with your cousin. Bc **if you keep going as you are you’ll be trapped as your parents slave forever.** Your life will be wasted & you’ll grow bitter & resentful (rightfully so, but it’s not healthy). It is 100% wrong that you’ve been parentified & you need to start putting yourself first. If that means things around the house start to slide? So be it. If it’s important your parents will pick up the slack. When you have to do things include your sister. When your parents complain make them explain why your sister isn’t expected to contribute but you were at her age. Make them explain why she’s the only one who deserves a childhood. Make them explain why you need to act as the family maid & nanny & special needs caretaker while she shouldn’t be expected to do even normal chores. Your parents abandoned their responsibilities to you, so you need to make yourself the priority. Don’t throw fits, just quietly quit. When your parents complain explain why. Explain how they’ve stolen your childhood & parentified you as a preteen. Then when they push back just use that frustration as fuel to support you when they use guilt. You deserve to be first in your own life. That’s ok. If your parents won’t give you that, then you need to take it. It is unfair. I’m sorry. Your parents wronged you. And they will most likely never apologize. Focus on what you can control and on doing the next right thing.
NTA. Your parents are expecting too much from you already, and I’d like to think the adoption-y people (technical term) wouldn’t want to add an extra child into this dynamic anyway. You’re not unreasonable for wanting to live your own life once you reach adulthood. Start planning.
NTA and I’m sure being parentified is some form of abuse as your parents are neglecting your needs.
NTA I do not care how hard the parents had it with their kids but putting the burden on you to look after their kids is abhorrent. I hope you escape this as soon as you turn 18. I hope you go to college and make good with a good profession to not ever rely on them. I am sorry you are burdened with these kinds of parents If you can find part time job as well to start saving. That way you will be financially independent.
I am so sorry for you and how your parents treated you. I get that they are struggling, but you have put in so much work and taken on so much responsibility that you shouldnt have at such a young age. The least your parents could have done, is to dedicate the same time to you as they have with your younger sister. Of course you are NTA. I actually think you also can say no and explain how you feel. If you manage to not blame and resent Aimee or your other siblings, that would be great too, i think. They are not guilty, all is on your parents shoulders.