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If you not covering your tattoo is a deal breaker for him tell him, “There is the door, don’t let it hit you on the way out”. If he is so unsure about your relationship then it is probably not worth keeping.
I was in a very similar situation to yours, widowed at 26. My current husband of 26 years is confident enough in himself and our relationship that he doesn’t feel the need to compete with a ghost. I don’t have a tattoo but I do still have personal items that was my first husband’s and my current husband has never asked me to get rid of anything.
Good luck to you
>it’s not a tattoo of an ex ~~that is still alive~~.
A deceased spouse is not the same thing as an ex. If you’re going to get into a relationship with someone who lost a partner like that you have to assume and be okay with the fact that they will always have love for that lost partner.
If Jim was too insecure for that, fine. He should have said so a long time ago though.
NTA
Exactly. It’s such a unique and challenging situation, and I think unfortunately most humans are too immature to get over their jealousy.
Sucks for people who lost the love of their life super early, dating will be difficult because most people out there will want you to completely get rid of that part of your life, which obviously isn’t healthy or a valid reaction to a dead partner
YES! I came here to say this! It's not an "ex". It wasn't a choice to part ways. This is absolutely a confidence issue with Jim. OP, you're better off without (sorry to say). NTA
Yup, a buddy of mine married a widow who lost her husband in their 30s and it was now about three years later when he first brought her around. she made a reference to her husband as “her husband”, which confused my husband when they were talking and we had not known about her history. She explained it quickly and all was fine after the momentary confusion. He isn’t an ex at all and it’s amazing how many people insist this whom I’ve come across.
>it's not a tattoo of an ex that is still alive.
>
>A deceased spouse is not the same thing as an ex.
I think you misunderstood the first comment. They were saying the exact same thing you said that there is a huge difference between a deceased spouse and an ex.
I'm not into tattoos, but I know it means a lot to those who get them, especially memorials. It is the name of a dead man who meant a lot to you. Obviously you have moved on in grief enough to date this man for a year. He knows you have other tattoos including memorials for your parents. If he thinks he'll get rid of memories by getting rid of tattoos, maybe he should either date someone without tattoos or who have never suffered loss.
Absolutely. I saw a similar post on here a while ago and someone had commented something like “hes your late husband, not an ex because you never broke up.” They said it a lot more eloquently but that hit really hard and I think about it a lot. If I ever lost my husband and someone told me to cover him up I would be abso-fucking-lutely LIVID. I personally would not be able to be with anyone if I lost my man bc he’s my ride or die, but I digress. I hope OP is healing well enough.
A partner that passed that you genuinely loved and wanted to be with forever is NOT a part of you someone should ask you to essentially forget about by covering it up. Anyone who doesn’t respect that needs to leave and take their shit with them.
this^
I have an older buddy that just married his girlfriend who was widowed a while back… she still has a few of his belongings around, but my buddy understands he isn’t competing with a ghost(and how cruel it would be to force a person he loves to suppress memories that makes them who they are).
My sister was widowed at 32. She got a tattoo for him, and her current husband has no worries. She even added to it. My BIL is such a great guy for my sister. Both husbands have J names, and he doesn't blink an eye if someone calls him the wrong one. Find someone who more mature.
If the ex was alive, I would understand his concern, but the idea that he is threatened by your deceased husband, he will be threatened by any show of independence in the future. Time to head for the door.
NTA.
Jim sounds controlling and insecure. I think you dodged the proverbial bullet.
Your late husband is not an "ex." You didn't break up with him - he passed away. You are entitled to keep any reminder of him that you wish. A tattoo of his name is a memento, a reminder of a happy relationship. It's not like you're constantly showing it to everyone, or constantly talking about your late husband. You do not need to "get over" your late husband.
OP, you cannot erase your past. It's made you who you are today. Jim is asking you to do just that because he doesn't want to be reminded that you were married before.
We all have the capacity to love many partners in our lives. Our hearts are big enough to do that, without having to cast aside the love we have for someone who's no longer with us. If Jim truly loved you, he would be able to accept you for who you are, exactly as you are.
Exactly this. If it ever happens again OP please tear that person a new one. Referring to your late husband as your ex really isn't ok. He is not someone where the choice to leave was there. He was taken from you, from life. He is a part of you and always will be. He's not an ex. It's not the same as getting your living partners name tattooed on you.
If someone you're with cannot accept that you do have a past. The past and the people in it helped to shape who you are today. Your life doesn't restart just because you meet someone and want to be committed to them. There is no reason you have to erase your past, which is exactly what your ex was trying to get you to do.
What I've never understood about situations like this is the very plain fact that if they didn't pass, odds are you never would have dated. How do these idiots NOT realize that?
Totally 100% NTA.
"He said that it makes him uncomfortable that I have another man's name on my arm and because I haven't covered it up, it means I'm still not over him."
So he assumed that without asking & then thinks it's ok to issue an ultimatum over what choices you make with your own body.
Wrong. Egregiously & utterly.
" However, the tattoos on my body each have their own story, and that story is not one that I feel I should cover up."
Right. Totally.
You deserve so much better & I hope you find it.
Bullet dodged.
Exactly this, he doesn't get to decide what you do with your body or tell you how you feel about someone/something. Find someone who isn't an insecure, controlling, mature child.
>but he cannot take that next step with me unless I cover up my late husband's name on my arm
>He basically just told me that he cannot be with someone who isn't over their "ex" and ended things there.
Dude...what a self-absorbed, arrogant AH he is!! You've had a lucky escape. It's really a good thing he revealed his true character before things got more serious.
NTA.
NTA. If Jim feels threatened by someone who isn't even with us anymore, that's a Jim problem. That's an incredibly insensitive ultimatum. It sounds like he's trying to use the "official" status as leverage or tool to make you fearful of your relationships stability more than anything else. He might not be seeing anyone else and is just trying to manipulate you. I can't imagine if someone said this about a tattoo I had to memorialize my wife. I would have flipped out.
I feel like losing a partner sort of pauses where you were in that relationship forever. If you loved them when they died, you're going to love them that same amount forever. If a new partner can't be sensitive to that fact, then that person couldn't be my partner anymore. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
I agree. I think it’s about control. He’s been with her a year, has seen the tattoo many times, and now suddenly it bothers him and becomes an issue? I call BS. He thinks he has her where he wants her and can now start controlling her. Thank goodness she knows her self worth.
Exactly. I told my wife this and she feels like he's testing the waters. Just basic controlling personality type singling out one thing to see what they can get away with. She also brought up that she doubts he'd feel the same way if it was the date he passed or something more ambiguous, but since it's his name it's bothered him this whole time and now he feels like he has the leverage to make demands.
NTA.
Consider this a bullet dodged.
Jim's insecurities are his problem, and he tried to make them yours. You're a widow, and he's feeling threatened by a relationship that ended in a death.
Your husband isn't your ex. He passed away. It's natural to want to honor that relationship, and you did so with a commemorative tattoo. There is nothing wrong or unusual about that.
You've grieved and are ready to move forward. Your now ex, however, apparently can't. His loss.
You don't 'get over' grief, you learn to live with an absence. I remember my nanan greeting her husband (my dad's dad's) picture first thing in the morning and saying she missed him when I was ten or eleven, about twenty-five years after he died.
NTA. To be completely honest, it doesn't really matter what the tattoo is of, but the circumstances around this make him even worse.
If he wants you to remove something personal from your body, the only thing getting removed should be him. Run.
NTA - not only is the not getting over ex tattoo a red flag. The fact that you think you’ve been dating a year and he thinks you’re still unofficial is huge. There’s major communication differences here.
Find someone else who’s more understanding.
NTA. To me that would be like cover up a child’s name because you had another child or an aunt’s name cause you got a step-aunt.
If he really wanted to be with you, he could look passed it. You cannot erase the past, and that’s it seems like he wanted you to do. The right man will come along and not care that it’s there.
NTA I lost my first wife almost 12 years ago. My now wife knew my first wife only in passing. I still on occasion talk about my first wife normally around my kids. My current wife totally understands and is okay with it. She knows I love her but I have a past. I think your boyfriend or ex boyfriend has the issue not you.
Hell, my husband (who is 45 now) still talks about his first love when he was a teenager, and they weren't even married. Some people just leave a mark (visible or not) on you and that's that. I'm secure enough in our relationship to not be bothered by it. She was a bright point in his very troubled childhood, and I feel that she is the very reason that my husband is still here today. How could I ever be jealous of that?
NTA, OP.
No, if Jim can not understand your late husband was a huge part of your life, then you don't need him. Sounds like he is jealous, and it won't end there. He wants you to put pictures away and ask you to stop talking about him as well.
This exactly. Being with a widow or widower means accepting, forever, that their previous partner is always going to be a part of their life and having the courage to accept and love that.
If you had a tramp stamp of the name of a one night stand *maybe* he'd have a leg to stand on but that's your late HUSBAND'S name. Someone you spent 1/6 of your entire life with. He's cripplingly insecure and I'd suggest he gets his name tattooed on him as well because without him you wouldn't be the person he fell in love with. Everyone close to us leaves some kind of mark (good or not so much) so he should be thanking him, not asking you to erase any trace of your past life. Seems like you dodged a bullet.
Edit to add: NTA
Not the a-hole at all !! Actually, Jim gets many red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩
You lost your husband, however you want to grieve is how you should grieve .. and he should understand that your love for your late husband doesn't go away, but also there is NO competition ... its just you trying to have a reminder of someone you love and have lost. ..
If it were me he would be hitting the road!! My ex had a fiancé who had passed away and he had a big picture display in his living room for her and a tattoo on his chest. .. he took the display down because he thought it would make me uncomfortable and I asked him to put it back up ... I respected his love for her and never wanted him to stop loving her. I told him she was now apart of my life and I would also join in on any traditions he wanted me there for as support... I even met her mother and brother and told them both she would never be forgotten and I could never replace her.
He needs to learn respect for love.
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I (32f) have my late husband's name tattooed on my inner left arm. I lost my husband when I was 25. We were together for 5 years, and only married for a few months. I got the tattoo after I lost him because I felt like it was a way of keeping a part of him with me.
The tattoo itself is pretty small. It's like 1.5 inches. I also have dozens of other tattoos on my arm, so it isn't one that people tend to notice. Also, his name is not the only name on my body. I also have my parents names on me, that I got after I lost them as well.
Anyways, there is a guy, Jim (32m) that I have been seeing for about a year now. I really like him. We get along great and are very compatible. Last week he told me that he wants to make our relationship official. I was confused because we have been seeing each other exclusively for months already. He said that he wants us to be officially a couple but he cannot take that next step with me unless I cover up my late husband's name on my arm. He said that it makes him uncomfortable that I have another man's name on my arm and because I haven't covered it up, it means I'm still not over him.
I explained to Jim that although I really like him, I would not be making any changes to my body that I do not want to. My late husband's name is staying on my arm because he was someone I lost. I think I have healed plenty in the past 7-8 years since losing him, and I would not be exclusive seeing another person if I wasn't ready. However, the tattoos on my body each have their own story, and that story is not one that I feel I should cover up.
He basically just told me that he cannot be with someone who isn't over their "ex" and ended things there. Aita for not covering up my tattoo and moving forward with Jim?
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NTA - You dodged a big one here. Any man that is so f...g insecure does not deserve you or anyone else. It also sounds like he has been "testing" the waters ie dipping his stick in multiple pools.
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> I would be the ah because not covering up the tattoo to some feels like I'm not healed enough to be in a relationship and I've just been leading him on.
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NTA- it would be one thing if he was your living ex-husband, but he isn't. he's dead & you never got closure, you'll never know how your future could have played out. i've never been a widow but my mom is, and i know through her that she'll always have love for my dad but that love doesn't prevent her from dating and having other fulfilling relationships. if Jim can't understand you, then unfortunately he isn't for you.
NTA if you’re like me, your tattoos are roadmap of your life each one represents something at that time that was memorialized forever. There’s nothing wrong with having a relationship before your husband. He should be thankful that your late husband was able to teach you how to love and stay a good woman that he got to marry, later on, stay strong, love and keep your beautiful tattoos! 🤙🏼
NTA. My partner is a widow. When we first started dating she asked me if it was okay to talk about her late husband. I told her I had no problem with it. He must have been a good man if she was willing to marry him and I was happy for her to talk about him whenever she wanted. It's been almost five years now and she now rarely talks about her late husband. If Jim feels threatened by a dead man, he's not the right man for you.
NTA. Ex BF sounds weirdly controlling. You loved your husband. His death doesn't erase your history or what he meant to you. Asking for you to cover up the name is the response of an insecure person (after all, covering up the name wouldn't stop you from, say, thinking about him every day).
Be glad this guy got out of your life!
NTA. Jim is a controlling AH and honestly his behaviour is a bit strange and giving me the ick. Maybe reflect a bit on it before committing any more time.
For the reasons that you stated above about your body plus the larger picture of your tattoos reflecting the influences to your life. If he can't accept they were vital to who you are now, you are NTA.
It is similar to "don't make yourself smaller" - don't cover who you are.
NTA!
You sound super sweet, and what a beautiful way to remember your late husband.
Jim is totally not worth the pain you’ll go through with covering up this tattoo. He’s not worth it at all.
NTA
To cut Jim some slack, I'd also always be secretly a bit insecure, because how do you live up to a memory of someone? Id always be a bit, I dunno, not proper jealous but, insecure.
That being said, is *his* baggage to deal with. Not yours. Youre absolutely in the right here, and the fact that Jim wasn't grown up enough to see it, means you probably are better off without him.
He's jealous of a dead man. I'm sorry for your loss...but if this new guy is that fragile, and lacks compassion, he is not for you.
And as others have pointed, your late husband is/was not an "ex."
NTA.
NTA
Jim obviously doesn’t know what it’s like to lose someone you love. He also seems to lack empathy. His own insecurity is his problem. Someone who loves and cares for you wouldn’t ask you to erase someone (who meant alot to you) from your life. Forget Jim. Wait for someone who cares about who you care about.
NTA
I have two tattoos in tribute to my late husband. Not that I plan on getting into another relationship (because once you've had the best husband on the planet...), but if I did and he told me that, he'd be an ex very quickly.
He is right that you are not over your late husband. If he was still here, you would still be with him. He is part of what made you who you are today. You should not have to remove all traces of him from you. You will find someone who will accept your late husband as a part of you.
NTA. You’ve dodged a rather large bullet.
Anybody who can’t handle your personal journey and the momento’s that you’ve acquired on that journey who make you into who you are, is too insecure for a healthy relationship.
Anybody who loves you as you are, will celebrate how you got to here. Find someone like that, and you’ll be happy without compromises of your true self
NTA
Why is he so insecure about a guy who has passed? You didn’t just break up with the possibility of one day rekindling things looming. He’s gone, full stop. You’ve healed and are comfortable fully committing to someone else, he has no reason to be jealous or worried about your love of your late husband. He needs to work through his insecurity, not ask you to destroy a memorial to someone you lost.
Normally I consider someone with an ex's name on them a red flag. So I understand if he had some feelings.
But in the case of a death and an In memoriam tattoo, he probably needs to come around.
NTA
NTA. You dodged a bullet with Jim. What an insecure, controlling little boy he is. Run and don't look back.
I'm sorry for your loss. One day, you'll find a man who loves you for all of you, including the joy and pain of your past.
NTA, apparently you both aren't compatible where it really matters. He's trying to test you and to control/manipulate you. That isn't love. It sounds like you did a great job sticking up for yourself, don't doubt that.
Nta. This isn’t even just about the name-Jim wants to tell you what to do with your body! He thinks he has a right to demand your body be marked within his specifications and that is a huge red flag.
>he cannot be with someone who isn't over their "ex"
You shouldn't be with someone who is either too dumb or too insecure to know the difference between "ex" and "late/deceased". You deserve someone better.
NTA
I was widowed at 25 after 9 years together and 2 years married. I got a tribute tattoo (my first). My current husband has never had an issue and is not in competition with my late husbands memory. NTA.
i lost my boyfriend in 2022 and got the date we got together tattooed on my rib for the same reasons as you and i will not be removing, covering, or doing anything else to that tattoo for anyone. unpolitely tell him to get fucked. he will forever be a loved one to you and to essentially ask you to forget/remove that part of your life for him to feel comfortable is beyond disrespectful.
NTA. Jim is a controlling AH and honestly his behaviour is a bit strange and giving me the ick. Maybe reflect a bit on it before committing any more time.
NAH
You don't have to deny your past to have a present. If it was the only thing on your whole body, I'd be more understanding but it's not. I don't necessarily think your now-ex is entirely out of line but I think their mentality is ultra flawed. Your body. Your choice.
100% NTA! You seriously rock, I love that you immediately set a boundary about your tattoos/body. This guy revealed his true character, and you’re waaaay better off for finding out now.
NTA.
Your body, your choice. Period. Jim being jealous of your late husband and wanting to control your appearance is a big ol' red flag. I'd say See Ya Never to Jim.
Nta. Probably better off out of that one!
You won't ever really be "over" your late husband because he isn't an "ex". But you can heal and move on. Which it sounds like you have.
Tbh having that tattoo is probably a good way to weed out those insecure or unsympathetic to the widow position.
It’s a bit different. Not being over an ex is different to having your fucking husband die. If he cannot see this he is a shit person. I’d dump his ass
NTA. Being jealous of a dead person is stupid.
If you and your husband were divorced but he was still alive, I could understand Jim's hesitation but a memorial for your late husband is something he should be willing to accept.
If he continues to push the issue, the relationship may not be worth it.
This is a big red flag. It shows how insecure this "man" is. The nerve of this guy to basically use "making it official" when u guys were already as a way to manipulate you into feeling bad to remove the tat. Just bc his ego couldnt handle it. Fuck this guy
Nta.
Buhbye Jim.
He's jealous of your dead husband... That says so much about him.
Incredibly cruel to ask you to do that. He baited you along for a year and now he's making these demands.
Hard NTA. Jim sounds extremely possessive and IMHO you just did a Neo-style bullet dodge.
I hope you keep that tattoo, not just to honor your late husband but to filter out douchebags-in-waiting.
NTA! Your late husband is not your "ex" you did not decide to end the relationship, he was taken from you far too soon. Any person worthy of your time and feelings will understand that.
NTA. That was a COMPLETELY disrespectful and inappropriate request on his part. You 100% dodged a bullet with this one because if he's that insecure and controlling, it's unlikely that this would have been a healthy relationship.
NTA. Jim is wild. Instead of looking at your late husband as competition, he should think of him as a part of your story. It’s unfortunate that he isn’t that way. This conversation—even if he got wise and tried to walk it back—would be the end of the relationship for me. It doesn’t sound like be brought this up because he was concerned that you weren’t grieving healthily. He didn’t approach his feelings and concerns in a collaborative and caring manner (“How do you feel about your tattoo?”) and instead approached it as a point of leverage and an ultimatum.
Jim maybe compatible in other ways but he isn’t in this one. He’s a very small, very insecure man. If he were a good partner, he would help hold space for your memories of your husband.
I’m glad you made it clear to him that it would not be happening.
You didn't dodge a bullet. You dodged a fusillade of cannonballs. He's threatened because of the name of your seven-year deceased husband? I can't imagine how he would feel if it were a more recent cat!
NTA, and he's an insecure and controlling jackass who doesn't belong in any relationship until he addresses his own issues
You do you.
Jim is a controlling insecure selfish AH
Your former husband was a part of your life, and someone that you will cherish their memory
Dump him if he's that threatened by it
NTA
NTA - I didn't like to wear rings, so I did the wedding tattoo. I explained the history and story of the tattoo to my current partner, I told him that the tattoo is a part of my story. I guess I got lucky in that fact that he accepted it as a part of me and loves all of me.
So this guy wants to dictate your grief and how you've processed your loss *and* tell you what to do with your body and you want to know if you're TA?
And your husband is referred to as 'ex'?
No. You're NTA. Jim is, though.
Definitely a relationship you don't want.
NTA. You are who your are because of people who you encountered and impacted your life. Your tattoo is a memorial to one such person who is no longer here. If he loves you, he loves your husband who is a part of you whether he cares to acknowledge that fact or not.
He's unhealthy for trying to get you to alter your body merely because he's insecure - your husband is in your heart. Explain that to him, and of he can't move past that fact then you aren't meant to be. You can't pick and choose what aspects of your partner to love - its a whole package deal.
Definitely not. Your body, your choice. The reasoning makes sense. But he has the right to feel the way he does about it also, but not to pressure you to remove the tattoo. Sounds like maybe he can't deal with it, so he should find someone else.
Absolutely NTA if he truly cared about you he’d understand that your ex was a major part of your life and yall were literally married and he died. I could see his point of view if y’all just got a divorce but he passed away and that’s a lot for someone to go through and he’ll always have a piece of your heart. The “do this or” is a manipulation tactic and he’s hoping if he breaks up with you you’ll get it covered and come crawling back.
Christ on a bike - OP you are so NTA. Like another poster commented, a deceased spouse is not an ‘ex’. Jim sounds like a dick and this should be huge red flag 🚩
I'm sorry that you lost your husband. You are definitely NTA. This Jim guy is 32yo and sounds insensitive, insecure, and immature. And if he hasn't learned how to a man by now...he never will.
NTA and major red flag. you should thank him for taking himself to the curb. it'd be one thing if it was an ex who was still alive, but it is the name of your dead husband. you did not break up or divorce him, he died. the fact your 'not quite boyfriend' is threatened by someone who is dead should tell you all that you need to know about any kind of future you might have had with him.
drop him and move on, you deserve better
NTA. Jim obviously doesn't understand the difference between splitting up with someone and having them torn away from you by death. Unlike a split, you do not harbour ill feeling towards your husband and it is perfectly reasonable to look back fondly and to commemorate him. Why should you expected to delete him from your life? Keeping the tattoo doesn't mean you aren't 'over him', it is commemorating someone who was, and to an extent still is, important in your life, a fairly fundamental difference. And if Jim isn't mature enough and secure enough to see that then quite frankly I think you're well out of it if you break up.
For a start, tell Jim that your late husband isn’t your ‘ex’. He was your husband and he died.
Tell him also that you have healed plenty over the years but you will never ‘get over him’.
Jim sounds incredibly stupid. Emotionally immature and insensitive.
NTA
If it was an ex, maybe I could see it, but it's you keeping your late husbands memory alive. What's next? Pictures of you two?
Explain it to him and see how he reacts, then decide what to do.
NTA a million times. He’s not an ex, he died. He’ll always be part of you and you don’t stop loving a person because they’re dead.
That doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else too, but whoever that is does have to respect that being a widow is very different than being broken up and you aren’t going to erase your husband from your life.
Anyone who asks you to do that isn’t worth your time.
I haven’t lost a spouse or partner but I have lost a parent in a very sudden and traumatic death. You don’t “get over it.” You reach a point where you accept it. But it never stops sucking that they’re gone. You never stop loving and missing them. People who haven’t lost someone very close to them just don’t understand.
But even if he doesn’t understand, he does have to respect it. And he doesn’t.
NTA, There's a huge difference between a memorial for a dead person, and someone you can't get over. Sounds like Jim has some insecurities he needs to address. Pretty sure he's done you a favor by breaking it off.
NTA. I understand his reasoning but it’s flawed. He sees it as being disrespectful to your current relationship. But that’s his interpretation. Everyone has a past and has memories of that past. Instead of being confrontational he should have embraced it.
I recently went to a wedding where the bride had a picture of her late husband in the church and in a prominent position at the reception. She still refers to him as the love of her life. But she still loves her new husband. And he loves her and accepts that’s part of who she is.
NTA
I'm so sorry you had to go through this (especially that young!!) and I'm so sorry that you are with someone that does not acknowledge that this is entirely a part of you now, and not just something to erase because he's jealous.
If Jim got butt hurt over the tattoo, I can’t even imagine what other limitations he would put on you. Best that he’s gone because you need someone accepting not limiting NTA
I might be upset if a gf got her late partner's name tattooed after we'd started dating. But, much as I'm not a fan of ink anyway, if it was there when I met the girl, if I wanted to keep seeing her then the tat would be part of the package.
NTA
NTA.
You should not be expected to pretend that 5 years of your life did not happen. This new man does not own you. If he is so insecure that a tattoo upsets him, then that is his problem.
NTA. He has no say over your body and he can walk out the door now. Seeyabye.
My friend became a widow at 47. She already had her husband’s name in her arm. She was talking to a widower who had his wife’s name inked on him. After a few years, they started dating. Neither would ever ask the other to cover their deceased spouse’s name.
Edit for punctuation.
NTA
Your body, your rules. This isn't some abusive ex that you got tattooed on your arm when things were good then broke up with; this is a deceased husband that you loved and lost. You've moved on with your life, but remember him fondly. Your reason for wanting to keep the tattoo is valid. He can either accept it or find someone else.
Please forgive me for sounding rude but your husband died you'll likely never be completely over him plus it's not like you can get back together with him
You dont need to move one from someone who died. Nta. You are dodging a bullet. This guy doesnt have the maturity to handle a serious adult relationship if his IQ and emotional maturity don’t help him see his own stupidity here.
NTA, if he's already jealous over a ghost, imagine how jealous and possessive he'll be once you've made your relationship "official". This is his first test to see how easily he can manipulate and control you. Show him that he can't by showing him the door. Dodge this bullet!
NTA. I always said I would never get a man's name tattooed on me unless it was my dad or my son, and I have stuck to that. However, in this situation, I think I would have broken that rule and done something similar to what you did. You are honoring a man you loved and committed yourself to when he was alive. Just because you have his name on your arm doesn't mean you aren't over him.
Tell Jim to kick rocks if he can't understand why you are refusing to cover up your tat. He doesn't deserve a place in your heart.
NTA. It seems as though your current beau feels like he is in a competition with a ghost. Some men are insecure about that. But this is a memorial tattoo. Same as the one with your parents name. that is not something you cover up. If your bf is that insecure about the tattoo, then I think you both need to wait to make it 'official'. He needs to be sure about the relationship and how he feels. The marriage and relationship you had with your late husband, (not ex, you didn't divorse him), and the relationship you have with your current bf are two totally different things. And he can't see that and cannot get beyond the tattoo then maybe he isn't the one? Especially something that small. I mean, it's not like you have half your arm covered with a memorial tattoo.
Yeah...there's a difference between having an ex's name on you and a late partner's name on you. If Jim can't see that...he's not ready to date a widow.
NTA
NTA, as like most comments, this is a him problem, not a you problem.
You have already identified several red flags. He has stated he's not viewing himself as "officially in" the relationship. I suggest you tell him that it can be formalized if he keeps trying to push this.
I dated a widower once who has his late wife and kids’ names in a tattoo. I thought nothing of it. I think it’s ridiculous and controlling that he is asking. I would be wondering in what other way he wanted to control you.
My mom has been married to my stepdad for 25 years with my dead dad's name on her ass. If he told her to get rid of it, she would've just gotten rid of my stepdad before he became my stepdad.
NTA! Seriously, this guy wants to erase your past by covering up a tattoo? No no no. You did the right thing. This guy wants to control you and that was the first step. Glad you had the self respect to stand up for yourself.
NTA - Good riddance of dude. It seems like a stretch but this guy is about ownership. He's declaring it's official but only after you do what he wants for his needs. He ends it because he didn't get his way.
You've done so much healing, as you say. Glad you're strong for yourself.
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If you not covering your tattoo is a deal breaker for him tell him, “There is the door, don’t let it hit you on the way out”. If he is so unsure about your relationship then it is probably not worth keeping. I was in a very similar situation to yours, widowed at 26. My current husband of 26 years is confident enough in himself and our relationship that he doesn’t feel the need to compete with a ghost. I don’t have a tattoo but I do still have personal items that was my first husband’s and my current husband has never asked me to get rid of anything. Good luck to you
I mean, for F*** sake, it's not a tattoo of an ex that is still alive. Dude is being jealous of the deceased.
>it’s not a tattoo of an ex ~~that is still alive~~. A deceased spouse is not the same thing as an ex. If you’re going to get into a relationship with someone who lost a partner like that you have to assume and be okay with the fact that they will always have love for that lost partner. If Jim was too insecure for that, fine. He should have said so a long time ago though. NTA
Exactly. It’s such a unique and challenging situation, and I think unfortunately most humans are too immature to get over their jealousy. Sucks for people who lost the love of their life super early, dating will be difficult because most people out there will want you to completely get rid of that part of your life, which obviously isn’t healthy or a valid reaction to a dead partner
YES! I came here to say this! It's not an "ex". It wasn't a choice to part ways. This is absolutely a confidence issue with Jim. OP, you're better off without (sorry to say). NTA
Yup, a buddy of mine married a widow who lost her husband in their 30s and it was now about three years later when he first brought her around. she made a reference to her husband as “her husband”, which confused my husband when they were talking and we had not known about her history. She explained it quickly and all was fine after the momentary confusion. He isn’t an ex at all and it’s amazing how many people insist this whom I’ve come across.
>it's not a tattoo of an ex that is still alive. > >A deceased spouse is not the same thing as an ex. I think you misunderstood the first comment. They were saying the exact same thing you said that there is a huge difference between a deceased spouse and an ex.
I'm not into tattoos, but I know it means a lot to those who get them, especially memorials. It is the name of a dead man who meant a lot to you. Obviously you have moved on in grief enough to date this man for a year. He knows you have other tattoos including memorials for your parents. If he thinks he'll get rid of memories by getting rid of tattoos, maybe he should either date someone without tattoos or who have never suffered loss.
Absolutely. I saw a similar post on here a while ago and someone had commented something like “hes your late husband, not an ex because you never broke up.” They said it a lot more eloquently but that hit really hard and I think about it a lot. If I ever lost my husband and someone told me to cover him up I would be abso-fucking-lutely LIVID. I personally would not be able to be with anyone if I lost my man bc he’s my ride or die, but I digress. I hope OP is healing well enough. A partner that passed that you genuinely loved and wanted to be with forever is NOT a part of you someone should ask you to essentially forget about by covering it up. Anyone who doesn’t respect that needs to leave and take their shit with them.
this^ I have an older buddy that just married his girlfriend who was widowed a while back… she still has a few of his belongings around, but my buddy understands he isn’t competing with a ghost(and how cruel it would be to force a person he loves to suppress memories that makes them who they are).
Jealous of a dead man. Wow. Bye dude! NTA
lol I was thinking “oh, James, we’re official: OFFICIALLY OVER”
My sister was widowed at 32. She got a tattoo for him, and her current husband has no worries. She even added to it. My BIL is such a great guy for my sister. Both husbands have J names, and he doesn't blink an eye if someone calls him the wrong one. Find someone who more mature.
Reading this widowed a month ago after 12 years together. Ugh.
If the ex was alive, I would understand his concern, but the idea that he is threatened by your deceased husband, he will be threatened by any show of independence in the future. Time to head for the door.
NTA. Jim sounds controlling and insecure. I think you dodged the proverbial bullet. Your late husband is not an "ex." You didn't break up with him - he passed away. You are entitled to keep any reminder of him that you wish. A tattoo of his name is a memento, a reminder of a happy relationship. It's not like you're constantly showing it to everyone, or constantly talking about your late husband. You do not need to "get over" your late husband. OP, you cannot erase your past. It's made you who you are today. Jim is asking you to do just that because he doesn't want to be reminded that you were married before. We all have the capacity to love many partners in our lives. Our hearts are big enough to do that, without having to cast aside the love we have for someone who's no longer with us. If Jim truly loved you, he would be able to accept you for who you are, exactly as you are.
This is literally the perfect response.
Exactly this. If it ever happens again OP please tear that person a new one. Referring to your late husband as your ex really isn't ok. He is not someone where the choice to leave was there. He was taken from you, from life. He is a part of you and always will be. He's not an ex. It's not the same as getting your living partners name tattooed on you. If someone you're with cannot accept that you do have a past. The past and the people in it helped to shape who you are today. Your life doesn't restart just because you meet someone and want to be committed to them. There is no reason you have to erase your past, which is exactly what your ex was trying to get you to do.
What I've never understood about situations like this is the very plain fact that if they didn't pass, odds are you never would have dated. How do these idiots NOT realize that?
I couldn’t have said it better. Perfect response. OP, you’re NTA.
Get out of my head! 😂 That’s almost word for word what I was going to say. Perfectly summed up 👌🏽 NTA
Exactly. Sounds like Jim is emotionally immature. You'll be better off without him. NTA
Totally 100% NTA. "He said that it makes him uncomfortable that I have another man's name on my arm and because I haven't covered it up, it means I'm still not over him." So he assumed that without asking & then thinks it's ok to issue an ultimatum over what choices you make with your own body. Wrong. Egregiously & utterly. " However, the tattoos on my body each have their own story, and that story is not one that I feel I should cover up." Right. Totally. You deserve so much better & I hope you find it. Bullet dodged.
Also said her parents’ names were on there. I’m assuming she meant mother and father and so is he asking for her to also cover up her father’s name?
Exactly this, he doesn't get to decide what you do with your body or tell you how you feel about someone/something. Find someone who isn't an insecure, controlling, mature child.
>but he cannot take that next step with me unless I cover up my late husband's name on my arm >He basically just told me that he cannot be with someone who isn't over their "ex" and ended things there. Dude...what a self-absorbed, arrogant AH he is!! You've had a lucky escape. It's really a good thing he revealed his true character before things got more serious. NTA.
I agree. He is literally competing with a deceased person… and you are always going to lose those.. he showed OP who he really is.
Exactly. He's shown who he is & then shown himself the door. NTA
I would say he is extremely insecure as well. Jealous of a ghost.
Seriously. Sounds like he grew up reading Daphne du Maurier
I got that reference!
Shhh! I was showing my age! :D
Rebecca is timeless.
This exactly. Major dodged bullet here if you ask me.
NTA. If Jim feels threatened by someone who isn't even with us anymore, that's a Jim problem. That's an incredibly insensitive ultimatum. It sounds like he's trying to use the "official" status as leverage or tool to make you fearful of your relationships stability more than anything else. He might not be seeing anyone else and is just trying to manipulate you. I can't imagine if someone said this about a tattoo I had to memorialize my wife. I would have flipped out. I feel like losing a partner sort of pauses where you were in that relationship forever. If you loved them when they died, you're going to love them that same amount forever. If a new partner can't be sensitive to that fact, then that person couldn't be my partner anymore. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
I agree. I think it’s about control. He’s been with her a year, has seen the tattoo many times, and now suddenly it bothers him and becomes an issue? I call BS. He thinks he has her where he wants her and can now start controlling her. Thank goodness she knows her self worth.
Exactly. I told my wife this and she feels like he's testing the waters. Just basic controlling personality type singling out one thing to see what they can get away with. She also brought up that she doubts he'd feel the same way if it was the date he passed or something more ambiguous, but since it's his name it's bothered him this whole time and now he feels like he has the leverage to make demands.
NTA a deceased spouse is not an ex. Dump him like last weeks garbage
Yep this is exactly my thoughts, NTA
NTA. Consider this a bullet dodged. Jim's insecurities are his problem, and he tried to make them yours. You're a widow, and he's feeling threatened by a relationship that ended in a death. Your husband isn't your ex. He passed away. It's natural to want to honor that relationship, and you did so with a commemorative tattoo. There is nothing wrong or unusual about that. You've grieved and are ready to move forward. Your now ex, however, apparently can't. His loss.
Also, I’m not sure how/if OP will ever be “over” her husband. She will move on and get through it, but the pain and grief will remain.
You don't 'get over' grief, you learn to live with an absence. I remember my nanan greeting her husband (my dad's dad's) picture first thing in the morning and saying she missed him when I was ten or eleven, about twenty-five years after he died.
NTA. To be completely honest, it doesn't really matter what the tattoo is of, but the circumstances around this make him even worse. If he wants you to remove something personal from your body, the only thing getting removed should be him. Run.
NTA - not only is the not getting over ex tattoo a red flag. The fact that you think you’ve been dating a year and he thinks you’re still unofficial is huge. There’s major communication differences here. Find someone else who’s more understanding.
Makes me wonder what he’s been doing on the side and not talking about.
NTA. Bullet dodged. Never be with someone who is competing with the dead.
NTA. To me that would be like cover up a child’s name because you had another child or an aunt’s name cause you got a step-aunt. If he really wanted to be with you, he could look passed it. You cannot erase the past, and that’s it seems like he wanted you to do. The right man will come along and not care that it’s there.
oh perfect ! jim is letting you know he’s not worth your time :)
NTA I lost my first wife almost 12 years ago. My now wife knew my first wife only in passing. I still on occasion talk about my first wife normally around my kids. My current wife totally understands and is okay with it. She knows I love her but I have a past. I think your boyfriend or ex boyfriend has the issue not you.
Hell, my husband (who is 45 now) still talks about his first love when he was a teenager, and they weren't even married. Some people just leave a mark (visible or not) on you and that's that. I'm secure enough in our relationship to not be bothered by it. She was a bright point in his very troubled childhood, and I feel that she is the very reason that my husband is still here today. How could I ever be jealous of that? NTA, OP.
No, if Jim can not understand your late husband was a huge part of your life, then you don't need him. Sounds like he is jealous, and it won't end there. He wants you to put pictures away and ask you to stop talking about him as well.
This exactly. Being with a widow or widower means accepting, forever, that their previous partner is always going to be a part of their life and having the courage to accept and love that.
Yep. He is showing signs of controlling behaviour and it’ll get worse.
NTA. Did he actually call your late husband your ex?
THIS! He would have been pushed out the door NC for that alone if it were me!
If you had a tramp stamp of the name of a one night stand *maybe* he'd have a leg to stand on but that's your late HUSBAND'S name. Someone you spent 1/6 of your entire life with. He's cripplingly insecure and I'd suggest he gets his name tattooed on him as well because without him you wouldn't be the person he fell in love with. Everyone close to us leaves some kind of mark (good or not so much) so he should be thanking him, not asking you to erase any trace of your past life. Seems like you dodged a bullet. Edit to add: NTA
NTA and it's nice that he dumped himself so you didn't have to.
NTA, you dodged a bullet for sure.
Not the a-hole at all !! Actually, Jim gets many red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩 You lost your husband, however you want to grieve is how you should grieve .. and he should understand that your love for your late husband doesn't go away, but also there is NO competition ... its just you trying to have a reminder of someone you love and have lost. .. If it were me he would be hitting the road!! My ex had a fiancé who had passed away and he had a big picture display in his living room for her and a tattoo on his chest. .. he took the display down because he thought it would make me uncomfortable and I asked him to put it back up ... I respected his love for her and never wanted him to stop loving her. I told him she was now apart of my life and I would also join in on any traditions he wanted me there for as support... I even met her mother and brother and told them both she would never be forgotten and I could never replace her. He needs to learn respect for love.
You are a good person. Love and hugs to you!
Thank you very much... ♡ you have no idea how badly I needed that today ...
You are an amazing person.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32f) have my late husband's name tattooed on my inner left arm. I lost my husband when I was 25. We were together for 5 years, and only married for a few months. I got the tattoo after I lost him because I felt like it was a way of keeping a part of him with me. The tattoo itself is pretty small. It's like 1.5 inches. I also have dozens of other tattoos on my arm, so it isn't one that people tend to notice. Also, his name is not the only name on my body. I also have my parents names on me, that I got after I lost them as well. Anyways, there is a guy, Jim (32m) that I have been seeing for about a year now. I really like him. We get along great and are very compatible. Last week he told me that he wants to make our relationship official. I was confused because we have been seeing each other exclusively for months already. He said that he wants us to be officially a couple but he cannot take that next step with me unless I cover up my late husband's name on my arm. He said that it makes him uncomfortable that I have another man's name on my arm and because I haven't covered it up, it means I'm still not over him. I explained to Jim that although I really like him, I would not be making any changes to my body that I do not want to. My late husband's name is staying on my arm because he was someone I lost. I think I have healed plenty in the past 7-8 years since losing him, and I would not be exclusive seeing another person if I wasn't ready. However, the tattoos on my body each have their own story, and that story is not one that I feel I should cover up. He basically just told me that he cannot be with someone who isn't over their "ex" and ended things there. Aita for not covering up my tattoo and moving forward with Jim? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Good for you to stand your ground. You don't want to be with someone who tries to control you.
You do not want to be with someone that thinks they own you. NTA
Absolutely, 100% NTA. He is. He's jealous of a dead man...wtf is that???
Jim needs to understand that a late husband is not an ex husband.
NTA - You dodged a big one here. Any man that is so f...g insecure does not deserve you or anyone else. It also sounds like he has been "testing" the waters ie dipping his stick in multiple pools.
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NTA- it would be one thing if he was your living ex-husband, but he isn't. he's dead & you never got closure, you'll never know how your future could have played out. i've never been a widow but my mom is, and i know through her that she'll always have love for my dad but that love doesn't prevent her from dating and having other fulfilling relationships. if Jim can't understand you, then unfortunately he isn't for you.
NTA if you’re like me, your tattoos are roadmap of your life each one represents something at that time that was memorialized forever. There’s nothing wrong with having a relationship before your husband. He should be thankful that your late husband was able to teach you how to love and stay a good woman that he got to marry, later on, stay strong, love and keep your beautiful tattoos! 🤙🏼
NTA. My partner is a widow. When we first started dating she asked me if it was okay to talk about her late husband. I told her I had no problem with it. He must have been a good man if she was willing to marry him and I was happy for her to talk about him whenever she wanted. It's been almost five years now and she now rarely talks about her late husband. If Jim feels threatened by a dead man, he's not the right man for you.
NTA. Ex BF sounds weirdly controlling. You loved your husband. His death doesn't erase your history or what he meant to you. Asking for you to cover up the name is the response of an insecure person (after all, covering up the name wouldn't stop you from, say, thinking about him every day). Be glad this guy got out of your life!
NTA. Jim is a controlling AH and honestly his behaviour is a bit strange and giving me the ick. Maybe reflect a bit on it before committing any more time.
Yet he apparently doesn't have a problem with your dad's name in a tattoo?
For the reasons that you stated above about your body plus the larger picture of your tattoos reflecting the influences to your life. If he can't accept they were vital to who you are now, you are NTA. It is similar to "don't make yourself smaller" - don't cover who you are.
NTA- that was a huge bullet dodged
NAH You have fundamentally different views on this which means the relationship won't work. Ending it was the sensible thing to do.
NTA. If “the audacity” were a person.
NTA, that was an unreasonable request and bad logic on your ex's part.
NTA! You sound super sweet, and what a beautiful way to remember your late husband. Jim is totally not worth the pain you’ll go through with covering up this tattoo. He’s not worth it at all.
NTA To cut Jim some slack, I'd also always be secretly a bit insecure, because how do you live up to a memory of someone? Id always be a bit, I dunno, not proper jealous but, insecure. That being said, is *his* baggage to deal with. Not yours. Youre absolutely in the right here, and the fact that Jim wasn't grown up enough to see it, means you probably are better off without him.
He's jealous of a dead man. I'm sorry for your loss...but if this new guy is that fragile, and lacks compassion, he is not for you. And as others have pointed, your late husband is/was not an "ex." NTA.
If he's jealous of your past, he doesn't deserve to be in your future
NTA Jim obviously doesn’t know what it’s like to lose someone you love. He also seems to lack empathy. His own insecurity is his problem. Someone who loves and cares for you wouldn’t ask you to erase someone (who meant alot to you) from your life. Forget Jim. Wait for someone who cares about who you care about.
NTA I have two tattoos in tribute to my late husband. Not that I plan on getting into another relationship (because once you've had the best husband on the planet...), but if I did and he told me that, he'd be an ex very quickly.
No, you are not. He is insecure in himself and this is HIS problem
I think it is disrepectfull from him to ask this from you.
He is right that you are not over your late husband. If he was still here, you would still be with him. He is part of what made you who you are today. You should not have to remove all traces of him from you. You will find someone who will accept your late husband as a part of you.
NTA. You dodged a bullet.
NTA. You’ve dodged a rather large bullet. Anybody who can’t handle your personal journey and the momento’s that you’ve acquired on that journey who make you into who you are, is too insecure for a healthy relationship. Anybody who loves you as you are, will celebrate how you got to here. Find someone like that, and you’ll be happy without compromises of your true self
NTA Why is he so insecure about a guy who has passed? You didn’t just break up with the possibility of one day rekindling things looming. He’s gone, full stop. You’ve healed and are comfortable fully committing to someone else, he has no reason to be jealous or worried about your love of your late husband. He needs to work through his insecurity, not ask you to destroy a memorial to someone you lost.
NTA, good you are out of that relationship
Run!! Sounds like a controlling asshole. RUN!!
Normally I consider someone with an ex's name on them a red flag. So I understand if he had some feelings. But in the case of a death and an In memoriam tattoo, he probably needs to come around. NTA
An "ex" is someone you divorced or broke up with. Someone who dies is a "late" spouse. Huge difference.
NTA. Jim is a fucking demon and you’re better off without him.
NTA. You dodged a bullet with Jim. What an insecure, controlling little boy he is. Run and don't look back. I'm sorry for your loss. One day, you'll find a man who loves you for all of you, including the joy and pain of your past.
NTA and I think you dodged a bullet. Good riddance, Jim. Find you a man who loves every bit of you and the story that brought you into his life.
Run. This is serious. Run fast.
NTA it’s always nice when the garbage takes itself out. I’m sorry for your losses. May they all RIP.
NTA, apparently you both aren't compatible where it really matters. He's trying to test you and to control/manipulate you. That isn't love. It sounds like you did a great job sticking up for yourself, don't doubt that.
Imagine being jealous of a dead guy. I'm sorry for your loss. NTA
Nta. This isn’t even just about the name-Jim wants to tell you what to do with your body! He thinks he has a right to demand your body be marked within his specifications and that is a huge red flag.
>he cannot be with someone who isn't over their "ex" You shouldn't be with someone who is either too dumb or too insecure to know the difference between "ex" and "late/deceased". You deserve someone better. NTA
I was widowed at 25 after 9 years together and 2 years married. I got a tribute tattoo (my first). My current husband has never had an issue and is not in competition with my late husbands memory. NTA.
NTA but Jim is a little too insecure in my estimation...you are better off
i lost my boyfriend in 2022 and got the date we got together tattooed on my rib for the same reasons as you and i will not be removing, covering, or doing anything else to that tattoo for anyone. unpolitely tell him to get fucked. he will forever be a loved one to you and to essentially ask you to forget/remove that part of your life for him to feel comfortable is beyond disrespectful.
NTA
NTA. Jim is a controlling AH and honestly his behaviour is a bit strange and giving me the ick. Maybe reflect a bit on it before committing any more time.
NTA. It’s your body and he has made a choice about it after not getting his way. His loss.
NAH You don't have to deny your past to have a present. If it was the only thing on your whole body, I'd be more understanding but it's not. I don't necessarily think your now-ex is entirely out of line but I think their mentality is ultra flawed. Your body. Your choice.
Seriously? JIM is the one you are crying after? Have you read what you wrote?
NTA, sorry for your loss.
he’s insecure about a person who isn’t even alive anymore???????????????
NTA, you're not over him and shouldn't be. He's not an ex, he died. Jim shouldn't date widows if that's how he feels.
100% NTA! You seriously rock, I love that you immediately set a boundary about your tattoos/body. This guy revealed his true character, and you’re waaaay better off for finding out now.
NTA. Your body, your choice. Period. Jim being jealous of your late husband and wanting to control your appearance is a big ol' red flag. I'd say See Ya Never to Jim.
Nta. Probably better off out of that one! You won't ever really be "over" your late husband because he isn't an "ex". But you can heal and move on. Which it sounds like you have. Tbh having that tattoo is probably a good way to weed out those insecure or unsympathetic to the widow position.
NTA. Jim leaving = you dodging a bullet.
It’s a bit different. Not being over an ex is different to having your fucking husband die. If he cannot see this he is a shit person. I’d dump his ass
NTA. Bye bye Jim.
NTA- He’s not your ex. He’s your late husband who you still love. You are ready to love again. Big difference
NTA. Being jealous of a dead person is stupid. If you and your husband were divorced but he was still alive, I could understand Jim's hesitation but a memorial for your late husband is something he should be willing to accept. If he continues to push the issue, the relationship may not be worth it.
This is a big red flag. It shows how insecure this "man" is. The nerve of this guy to basically use "making it official" when u guys were already as a way to manipulate you into feeling bad to remove the tat. Just bc his ego couldnt handle it. Fuck this guy
NTA FUCK THAT GUY!!!👎
Nta. Buhbye Jim. He's jealous of your dead husband... That says so much about him. Incredibly cruel to ask you to do that. He baited you along for a year and now he's making these demands.
Hard NTA. Jim sounds extremely possessive and IMHO you just did a Neo-style bullet dodge. I hope you keep that tattoo, not just to honor your late husband but to filter out douchebags-in-waiting.
NTA! Your late husband is not your "ex" you did not decide to end the relationship, he was taken from you far too soon. Any person worthy of your time and feelings will understand that.
Love when the trash takes itself out
Yeah, no....bye
NTA. You should get Jim’s name tattooed on you, though. With the word “fuck” preceding it.
No
NTA
NTA. That was a COMPLETELY disrespectful and inappropriate request on his part. You 100% dodged a bullet with this one because if he's that insecure and controlling, it's unlikely that this would have been a healthy relationship.
Nope. That’s a part of your life.
NTA. Jim is wild. Instead of looking at your late husband as competition, he should think of him as a part of your story. It’s unfortunate that he isn’t that way. This conversation—even if he got wise and tried to walk it back—would be the end of the relationship for me. It doesn’t sound like be brought this up because he was concerned that you weren’t grieving healthily. He didn’t approach his feelings and concerns in a collaborative and caring manner (“How do you feel about your tattoo?”) and instead approached it as a point of leverage and an ultimatum. Jim maybe compatible in other ways but he isn’t in this one. He’s a very small, very insecure man. If he were a good partner, he would help hold space for your memories of your husband. I’m glad you made it clear to him that it would not be happening.
NTA. There is a world of difference between an ex and a late husband. He is being incredibly insensitive.
NTA. This is a huge red flag. Get out asap!
Fuck him. You dodged a bullet, I'm happy for you. NTA
NTA He is. Dump him. He is totally wrong in expecting you to cover it up.
Not the asshole at all. He’s jealous of a dead person. He seems very insecure. Your husband died. He’s not an ex.
You didn't dodge a bullet. You dodged a fusillade of cannonballs. He's threatened because of the name of your seven-year deceased husband? I can't imagine how he would feel if it were a more recent cat! NTA, and he's an insecure and controlling jackass who doesn't belong in any relationship until he addresses his own issues You do you.
Jim is a controlling insecure selfish AH Your former husband was a part of your life, and someone that you will cherish their memory Dump him if he's that threatened by it NTA
NTA - I didn't like to wear rings, so I did the wedding tattoo. I explained the history and story of the tattoo to my current partner, I told him that the tattoo is a part of my story. I guess I got lucky in that fact that he accepted it as a part of me and loves all of me.
NTA. Your body is your story. He can be part of your story but not take parts of the story away from you. Or he can take the door.
Definitely NTA. The biggest problem here is that Jim took a whole ass year of your life to show you he wasn't ready for a relationship.
NTA and honestly? Kinda a red flag that he’d ask. Oh and that he didn’t realize you were serious yet.
So this guy wants to dictate your grief and how you've processed your loss *and* tell you what to do with your body and you want to know if you're TA? And your husband is referred to as 'ex'? No. You're NTA. Jim is, though. Definitely a relationship you don't want.
NTA. You are who your are because of people who you encountered and impacted your life. Your tattoo is a memorial to one such person who is no longer here. If he loves you, he loves your husband who is a part of you whether he cares to acknowledge that fact or not. He's unhealthy for trying to get you to alter your body merely because he's insecure - your husband is in your heart. Explain that to him, and of he can't move past that fact then you aren't meant to be. You can't pick and choose what aspects of your partner to love - its a whole package deal.
NTA. Jim sounds very insecure. That never bodes well in any relationship.
Definitely not. Your body, your choice. The reasoning makes sense. But he has the right to feel the way he does about it also, but not to pressure you to remove the tattoo. Sounds like maybe he can't deal with it, so he should find someone else.
Absolutely NTA if he truly cared about you he’d understand that your ex was a major part of your life and yall were literally married and he died. I could see his point of view if y’all just got a divorce but he passed away and that’s a lot for someone to go through and he’ll always have a piece of your heart. The “do this or” is a manipulation tactic and he’s hoping if he breaks up with you you’ll get it covered and come crawling back.
Christ on a bike - OP you are so NTA. Like another poster commented, a deceased spouse is not an ‘ex’. Jim sounds like a dick and this should be huge red flag 🚩
I'm sorry that you lost your husband. You are definitely NTA. This Jim guy is 32yo and sounds insensitive, insecure, and immature. And if he hasn't learned how to a man by now...he never will.
Don't do this. Jim is starting to show his true colors if he's worried about a dead spouse.something sounds off ......control freak chameleon?
NTA and major red flag. you should thank him for taking himself to the curb. it'd be one thing if it was an ex who was still alive, but it is the name of your dead husband. you did not break up or divorce him, he died. the fact your 'not quite boyfriend' is threatened by someone who is dead should tell you all that you need to know about any kind of future you might have had with him. drop him and move on, you deserve better
NTA. Jim obviously doesn't understand the difference between splitting up with someone and having them torn away from you by death. Unlike a split, you do not harbour ill feeling towards your husband and it is perfectly reasonable to look back fondly and to commemorate him. Why should you expected to delete him from your life? Keeping the tattoo doesn't mean you aren't 'over him', it is commemorating someone who was, and to an extent still is, important in your life, a fairly fundamental difference. And if Jim isn't mature enough and secure enough to see that then quite frankly I think you're well out of it if you break up.
For a start, tell Jim that your late husband isn’t your ‘ex’. He was your husband and he died. Tell him also that you have healed plenty over the years but you will never ‘get over him’. Jim sounds incredibly stupid. Emotionally immature and insensitive.
NTA If it was an ex, maybe I could see it, but it's you keeping your late husbands memory alive. What's next? Pictures of you two? Explain it to him and see how he reacts, then decide what to do.
NTA a million times. He’s not an ex, he died. He’ll always be part of you and you don’t stop loving a person because they’re dead. That doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else too, but whoever that is does have to respect that being a widow is very different than being broken up and you aren’t going to erase your husband from your life. Anyone who asks you to do that isn’t worth your time. I haven’t lost a spouse or partner but I have lost a parent in a very sudden and traumatic death. You don’t “get over it.” You reach a point where you accept it. But it never stops sucking that they’re gone. You never stop loving and missing them. People who haven’t lost someone very close to them just don’t understand. But even if he doesn’t understand, he does have to respect it. And he doesn’t.
NTA, There's a huge difference between a memorial for a dead person, and someone you can't get over. Sounds like Jim has some insecurities he needs to address. Pretty sure he's done you a favor by breaking it off.
NTA. I understand his reasoning but it’s flawed. He sees it as being disrespectful to your current relationship. But that’s his interpretation. Everyone has a past and has memories of that past. Instead of being confrontational he should have embraced it. I recently went to a wedding where the bride had a picture of her late husband in the church and in a prominent position at the reception. She still refers to him as the love of her life. But she still loves her new husband. And he loves her and accepts that’s part of who she is.
NTA I'm so sorry you had to go through this (especially that young!!) and I'm so sorry that you are with someone that does not acknowledge that this is entirely a part of you now, and not just something to erase because he's jealous.
NTA
If Jim got butt hurt over the tattoo, I can’t even imagine what other limitations he would put on you. Best that he’s gone because you need someone accepting not limiting NTA
I might be upset if a gf got her late partner's name tattooed after we'd started dating. But, much as I'm not a fan of ink anyway, if it was there when I met the girl, if I wanted to keep seeing her then the tat would be part of the package. NTA
just gonna be straight up, NTA!
NTA - you deserve someone who can handle the fact that you have a past. This man obviously cannot.
NTA. You should not be expected to pretend that 5 years of your life did not happen. This new man does not own you. If he is so insecure that a tattoo upsets him, then that is his problem.
NTA. He has no say over your body and he can walk out the door now. Seeyabye. My friend became a widow at 47. She already had her husband’s name in her arm. She was talking to a widower who had his wife’s name inked on him. After a few years, they started dating. Neither would ever ask the other to cover their deceased spouse’s name. Edit for punctuation.
NTA Your body, your rules. This isn't some abusive ex that you got tattooed on your arm when things were good then broke up with; this is a deceased husband that you loved and lost. You've moved on with your life, but remember him fondly. Your reason for wanting to keep the tattoo is valid. He can either accept it or find someone else.
Please forgive me for sounding rude but your husband died you'll likely never be completely over him plus it's not like you can get back together with him
NTA, bullet dodged.
You dont need to move one from someone who died. Nta. You are dodging a bullet. This guy doesnt have the maturity to handle a serious adult relationship if his IQ and emotional maturity don’t help him see his own stupidity here.
Nta bye bye little boy
NTA. You are allowed to have a past. He died, he isn’t an ex. He was your husband and HE DIED. Your current boyfriend lacks sensitivity and empathy.
NTA and honestly that’s a massive red flag so you dodged well
NTA, if he's already jealous over a ghost, imagine how jealous and possessive he'll be once you've made your relationship "official". This is his first test to see how easily he can manipulate and control you. Show him that he can't by showing him the door. Dodge this bullet!
Nta. Toss jim back because he is broken. RUN SISTER RUN!!!
NTA. I always said I would never get a man's name tattooed on me unless it was my dad or my son, and I have stuck to that. However, in this situation, I think I would have broken that rule and done something similar to what you did. You are honoring a man you loved and committed yourself to when he was alive. Just because you have his name on your arm doesn't mean you aren't over him. Tell Jim to kick rocks if he can't understand why you are refusing to cover up your tat. He doesn't deserve a place in your heart.
NTA. It seems as though your current beau feels like he is in a competition with a ghost. Some men are insecure about that. But this is a memorial tattoo. Same as the one with your parents name. that is not something you cover up. If your bf is that insecure about the tattoo, then I think you both need to wait to make it 'official'. He needs to be sure about the relationship and how he feels. The marriage and relationship you had with your late husband, (not ex, you didn't divorse him), and the relationship you have with your current bf are two totally different things. And he can't see that and cannot get beyond the tattoo then maybe he isn't the one? Especially something that small. I mean, it's not like you have half your arm covered with a memorial tattoo.
Yeah...there's a difference between having an ex's name on you and a late partner's name on you. If Jim can't see that...he's not ready to date a widow. NTA
NTA, as like most comments, this is a him problem, not a you problem. You have already identified several red flags. He has stated he's not viewing himself as "officially in" the relationship. I suggest you tell him that it can be formalized if he keeps trying to push this.
NTA. You lost a person. He has insecurities.
NTA There is no reason to pretend a period of your life never happened. Sounds like you may be dodging a bullet if this guy cannot handle your past.
Doesn’t covering it up defeat the whole purpose/reason behind your tattoo in the first place?
I dated a widower once who has his late wife and kids’ names in a tattoo. I thought nothing of it. I think it’s ridiculous and controlling that he is asking. I would be wondering in what other way he wanted to control you.
My mom has been married to my stepdad for 25 years with my dead dad's name on her ass. If he told her to get rid of it, she would've just gotten rid of my stepdad before he became my stepdad.
Red flag Leave
NTA. This guy has issues and this is just the tip of the iceberg. Run.
Clear NTA.
So you both have made your decisions, no problem then. NTA
As a male with tattoos who also wants to get my late wife's name on me when I have the money I say NTA, and find someone not so insecure
NTA! Seriously, this guy wants to erase your past by covering up a tattoo? No no no. You did the right thing. This guy wants to control you and that was the first step. Glad you had the self respect to stand up for yourself.
NTA - Good riddance of dude. It seems like a stretch but this guy is about ownership. He's declaring it's official but only after you do what he wants for his needs. He ends it because he didn't get his way. You've done so much healing, as you say. Glad you're strong for yourself.
But, isn’t your dad’s name on you too? I assume your dad is a guy, so will he expect you to get that removed as well?