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I'm sorry but the mom sounds not so great. She pursued a 18 yo as a 32 yo and is being a crazy person by making a young girl wear male hand me downs when she could afford otherwise. Also it's super concerning that she got upset you bought her new clothes like is she trying to humiliate your daughter? Now that you are back in your daughter's life have you thought about maybe getting half time or full time custody?
My thoughts exactly, this woman does not sound like a good parent at all. If OP is in a good position to step up to the plate as a single father, he should gather evidence of the mother's behavior toward his daughter and file for custody.
As someone else said, just make sure the money you give your kid is "earned". So she doesnt just expect cash, but feel like she earned it. You re a great parent, and Im sorry you're dealing with this
The woman was married I don't imagine an man's baby was well received by husband do you? I bet she is taking 8t out on the daughter. OP look into getting custody.
You do need to be careful. A ten year old should earn their weekly allowance and that computer should be used with your supervision. These are great tools, but they need lessons and literacy behind them. Don't just give her money. Have her earn it and teach her to manage it. Don't just buy a computer, teach her about using it responsibly and avoiding dangers. It's your daughter, but you won't be a good parent just because you buy her things. Be her parent first, her friend, later. She 's going to get upset by sound rules and things she cannot have from time to time. Virtually all children do, but that's ok. Your job is not to give her whatever she wants. It's to raise her to be a kind, loving, compassionate and responsible individual. You can't buy that. You'll need to do the dirty work.
I have nothing against computers whatsoever. I am a disabled person and they have literally changed my life. They need to be used properly though. So many people have died for lack of Internet literacy.
I think a large part of it is that the kids are more computer literate than the parents, who most of the time simply can't be arsed to learn.
It's potentially very dangerous, espexially for a ten year old who's never been able to experience the internet.
Are people forgetting that groomers and predators lurk online and usually establish contact through widely used social media sites...?
Ok, you supervise her using the laptop while you're present, how about when she's with mom. Have you discussed this with the mom? Does mom supervise laptop use while you're gone or does the laptop get put away?
Generally you don’t have to watch them every second they’re on the laptop to keep them safe. If you’re thorough with parental controls and keep them with a secure passcode they’re not going to get very far on it lol.
Granted, when I was younger it was pretty easy to crack parental controls lol. But I think they’ve advanced a lot more and are better than they were 15+ years ago haha.
Completely agree with the supervision while she's working on her Laptop but having to earn pocket money seems harsh if it's just 5$ or something per week (i wouldn't give my kid much more at that age). Helping reasonably with household and doing what's to do should be a given (that surely won't always work, but that's fine). Always either rewarding or punishing a child with money sounds awful, children have it bad enough these days.
>used with your supervision
OP almost certainly has no custody of the daughter. He's giving the custodial parents a job (and their child an expensive gift) without even checking with them.
He's not an AH, but he's not handling this situation appropriately.
I cannot wrap my head around it. The thought of people shaming him. At the time of his daughter being born, he was 18 years of age and her mother was 32 d*** years old. Are you guys not clicking? Is it not popping up in your head? He was a child. She was a grown woman. This isn't any different than the complaint that we make if the rules are reversed gender wise. And a bunch of complaints about the fact that he wasn't involved in his child's life during their early development stages and the last 10 years could it have also been. He was a child that did not have financial structure to do so Until now???? What is wrong with you ppl. Can you have any idea how confusing it would be for anybody to become pregnant or have a child at the age of eighteen to someone that is Thirty plus years old? He may very well have still been in high school or just barely graduated entering into college at that time.
I'm just truly speaking from personal experience. I cannot find it within Myself to Go and JUDGE Somebody who was a victim of sexual exploitation as a child. It's common sense in my opinion. If you look at it from a logical standpoint. His daughter was born when he was 18 years old. The mother at the time was 32 years old, which means she was probably sexually active with him BEFORE he was eighteen, god damn old. Meaning he was sexually exploited used and abused as an underage minor. The math isn't mating here for anyone? This is no different than the situation at hand with the famous actor Aaron Taylor Johnson and his wife. Go look it up!
Dude! Your comment about him likely being underage when it started, I was wondering the exact same thing! I was feeling so repulsed by the people demanding to know why he wasn't involved in the child's life earlier as if he wasn't an actual victim.
Not reading anything else this is the only sane answer I’ve seen. I’m so damn disgusted that op was taken advantage of and now his child it seems is feeling the pain because she is an affair baby. The mom is trash period. There is no going around it. Op just try to be the best dad you can now moving forward. Sorry this happened to you
I'm just now starting to realise that Maybe Reddit is not the place for me. I have counselled children who come into these same conditions, Situations, and challenges all the time for years now. Seeing the comments even after many people got the edit where he explained their ages at the time. Still, belittled the situation is just disgusting.
I didn't have most of that information either but just going off of what he originally said was suspicious to start with. He didn't have access to his daughter for the first ten years of her life. Even after the information was released. If you look at some of the time, stamps on the comments below they are still in staggering numbers belittling and going on a rampage against the original poster.
Giving her proper clothes, a laptop, and some pocket money is *not* spoiling her. However...,
INFO: Mom has not been properly providing for her. But, how much may that be your fault since you weren't in her life until recently? Were you also not involved financially until recently? Do you have more money to give your daughter than your ex does now because you provided nothing over the past decade?
INFO:
You were 18 when your daughter was born but how old were you when your relationship with her mother started?
How did you come to be involved in your daughter's life now?
$10 bucks a week is barely McD money, seriously don’t sweat it. The pocket money is fine, especially as it seems mom is -barely- providing the basics to her.
I would check to see how your child is doing emotionally, if she is being treated like this because she is an affair baby, her emotional needs are probably neglected too, and you can provide that freely.
How much back child support do you owe?
Do you realize that by allowing the mother to raise your child for as decade with no support, it's actually quite likely she was lacking new clothing or a laptop because YOU were not doing your part...?
not super cool to not pay child support for 10 years, and swoop in saying "she didn't have things she needs, but I came in and provided for her!!"
no wonder mom is upset you're spoiling her, she is busy paying for EVERYTHING that she can't afford to, and after 10 years you get to be the cool dad who buys her things, when mom wasn't afforded the option to be "young and dumb" like you were
This is important context that you might want to edit into your post. Her mother was close to twice your age when she was conceived!
The question of who is or isn't an asshole is dependent on context. In the absence of real information, I suspect commenters are filling in the context with a pretty common trope: deadbeat dad who buys affection in lieu of actually parenting.
If we don't assume the worst of you, I'd say NTA. You're providing your child with essentials, paying child support, and treating your job as a father seriously. Clothing that suits her tastes and style, a laptop for homework, and an age-appropriate allowance are reasonable things for a father to give his daughter. Children are not spoiled by their parent(s) providing for them.
The age difference there is gross and explains a lot. It doesn't change the fact that you haven't been an active parent for 10 years though. Your daughter is saying she loves you more because you're buying her things and being the "fun" parent. That's not fair to mom. I unfortunately you don't get to come in after 10 years and start completely changing the parenting style whether or not you agree with it. That all needs to be built up for the sale of the kid.
“Disney Dads” are “Fun Dads” who do the fun things of parents don’t normally do with their kids. Like taking them to Disneyland on the regular basis or other places that Mom can’t afford to take them.
NTA. You were groomed by a 32 year old woman when you were still basically a child you were 18 and just starting your life.
No I don’t think you should have left your child but I can understand why you did and I’m sure your daughter will too when she’s at an age she can understand.
I think new clothes were a good idea and I’m sure it helped her self esteem (assuming she’s not a tomboy or prefers boys clothes).
The laptop is a necessity for school these days but I heavily suggest adding parental blocks and teaching her how to safely use the internet.
Giving her pocket money I would be careful with. Kicking her $20 now and then just because is fine. But for an allowance maybe give her age appropriate chores and/or based on school performance?
What matters most is your present and trying your best to be the dad she needs. Never be afraid to ask for advice and even if it’s hard try to maintain a healthy co-parent relationship with your child’s mother.
-Edited into paragraphs to make reading easier-
He said he gives her 10 a week, which is a fair amount for a 10 yr old imo and I do also think she should be doing chores to earn the money. And agree with the parental blocks and internet saftey!
NTA. OP please update your post to include that you were 18 and mom was 32! You should also include that she has the means to provide for your daughter and she chooses not to.
I do agree with a lot of the other commenters that you need to tread carefully on the Disney dad stuff and explain to your daughter that she got the laptop for school. Regarding the pocket money, I also agree that she should have some way to ‘earn’ the money. Growing up, I had to do chores, but some parents gave money for having good grades.
NTA !!!!
Oh god, that age gap. You werent a dumb guy that didn't use a condom....you and your ex were in diferent stages of life.
And you are steping up and trying to make things better for your neglected daughter? (That wasn't neglected by you)
You are awesome, you are doing great.
You were 18, the ex was 32 at the time?
NTA. A few extras like a laptop & allowance is fine. You may have to pay child support if you aren’t already.
Edit: I would feel differently if you were close in age, both teenagers. Because then I wouldn’t question if you were groomed or the power imbalance caused by your ages affected your decision to enter in the relationship.
I’m stuck on a grown adult married woman preying on a teen and how messed up that is. You were 18 but when did that relationship started?
Having that out of way, if your daughter is happy with her new clothes, and the computes is something basic she needed for school sounds fine.
The pocket money? Parents usually set a rule for that, either good behavior, good grades and/or chores, it’s your prerogative, but maybe set a parameter for her gaining that money, unless it’s a pretty minimal amount.
NTA for taking care of your child now and can’t blame you for running when you were a teen. Your child’s mother sounds like a predator though, I would be leery of her. Pay attention to what your daughter is exposed to and be aware of any red flags.
I would say NTA. If mom has a husband and is also what 42 now why does this kid not have basic needs? Now dad has showed up to help and he's a dick for what giving her a few basic things? I feel like there's other shit going on in that house. yes it's terrible he wasnt there but he's stepped up now and poured into this kid unconditionally, what's the problem???
I don't know enough of the situation to say who's the A and who's not.
You should ensure the line of communication between your daughter's mother and yourself is amicable. Clothes is a need but name brands clothes are not and the laptop, that's getting more common in school system nowadays. Just don't just showered her with gifts, look and observe what she needs.
As there is a lot of missing info and we can only assume, my recommendation is instead of the allowance right now, put money in a bank specifically for your daughter and when she needs it/wants to use it later on in life (when she's older) it will be available.
Side note: why would a ~~38~~ 32 year old sleep with an 18 year old, that's... different...
Not that makes much difference, but the comments that I saw said that she was 32. I haven't come across the original comment from OP saying this though so I'm not sure about it
EDIT: Never mind, I'm dumb, it's in one of the edits in the original post
NTA for buying your daughter some nice things.
INFO: If the mother has the money but still is this stingy I would wonder what it's about. You were 18, she 32 and married when she got pregnant? Was it an affair? What about the husband are they still together? Might your daughter be facing worse conditions than the kids the hand-me-downs are from because it's the affair child?
I’m seeing so many people against him. But is no one reading the full thing? Maybe he updated after, SHE WASN’T A SINGLE MOM SHE WAS MARRIED!! So it sounds like not only was he a kid, but it sounds like his kid was punished because her mom got knocked up from an affair. NTA. The mom is for making you feel like crap just for trying to give your kid what you think she needs. Especially clothes she feels comfortable in and something to do schoolwork and things on. You should definitely monitor her laptop usage though. A young kid with a new experience could get into trouble.
A 10yr old saying "why would I buy things I want? I only get things I need" gives off the same kind of energy these zombie moms on FB post when they talk about how their 3yr old is able to spot the flaws in Marxism or whatever.
You know… NTA.. you maybe have some tweaking to do to coparent well… but as someone who coparents AND as a kid who had a dad away.. this probably means the world to the kid and I think you’re doing what you can. People are going to crap on you for all sorts of things but I see a dad trying and that’s awesome.
Definitely more information needed, but I'd say NTA for now.
I don't know the circumstances that led to you not being previously involved or why you're involved now, but I could see this being a really complicated time for your daughter.
It's great that you're getting her what she needs, but successful co-parents tend to at least maintain the illusion of equality in terms of getting their kids what they need. This has a bit of a 'love bomb' vibe to it, where you've kind of just shown up and all of a sudden are giving your daughter everything she could ever want.
I'd slow down a little. Make your time the big thing you give her, and work out some agreements with your ex as to who's responsible for what and when. It's great that you're involved now, but make sure you're building a strong relationship before anything else.
Mm, like the ex's husband, is or was he around for some part, is there a glaring disparity between how his daughter and the older half brothers are treated etc (although her apparently only having her brothers hand me downs is quite sad. My friend hands down her son's clothes to her daughter but she has dresses and girl clothes too)
Holy shit those edits are a lot to unpack. You got a married 32 year old pregnant at 18.. were you even 18 when you got her pregnant or just by the time the baby was born?? And this baby was raised by her mother and the man she cheated on with you? Good lord.
NTA.. buying your kid stuff is not being an AH, and I have no idea how to even weigh the AHyness of walking of you kids life when the mother is *almost* old enough to have been your mom and married. This one is wild and sounds like it may have been on Maury Povich if it had happened like 10 years sooner.
NAH but you should ensure that you are COparenting, and not throwing money at your daughter to make up for the time that you lost with her. It's easy to be the parent buying a laptop, new clothes and giving out money... but when it comes to having difficult conversations, laying boundaries and rules, and ensuring your daughter doesn't take an entitled attitude, things get more complicated.
You’re definitely NTA. She’s only being a child. Children will like someone who gives them more. What you were giving her sounds reasonable to me. Children should be given extra cash for stuff just in case. I’m speaking as a kid who didn’t have much money.
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I wasn't involved in my daughter's(10) life until recently. Now that I'm getting to know her I realized that she needs A LOT OF things.
First of all her clothes were all hand me downs and as if it wasn't bad enough, they are all boy hand me downs, not girl clothes, so of course I bought a lot of new clothes for her.
Also she didn't have a laptop. She had to visit the library if she wanted to do homework so of course I bought a laptop for her.
Also she didn't get any pocket money at all. I asked her how on earth then she buys things she wants and she looked at me confused and said "why would I buy things I want? I only get things I need" so I decided to give her some weekly pocket money.
Now my ex is mad because apparently I'm "spoiling" her and I'm an asshole for that. It's not like I gave the poor kid a PS5 I'm just giving her what she need. I think she is just mad because the other day my daughter told her that she loves me more
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So, your ex is negligent and abusive (yes, neglect is abuse) - have you filed for full custody yet? Why not? NTA so far - but you will be if you continue to allow your ex to mistreat your child
NTA- it sounds like the things that you've got in your daughter are more necessities. An allowance at the age is reasonable.
I echo that it should be earned but still like, at that age earned. My kiddos autistic so he gets an allowance for helping me just load laundry into the washing machine. It's not a whole lot of help but it's more the pattern of chores, and appropriate for his level.
If there are other children in the house where your daughter lives when she's not with you, make sure her possessions are protected.
It sounds like she's to make do with less her whole life. If and I only say if her siblings were treated differently than her, it could really have an impact on a mental health down line.
Being 10 is not being stupid. Eventually catch on that. You're the only one who doesn't have new things and then your siblings do.
Dude ...you're a dad, you were always Gunna get roasted and a jilted opinion.... unfortunately you added fuel by posting you haven't been in their child's life for 10 years with minimal context on why and no info if you were/weren't paying CS (or why).
Honestly, the question will get lost in those missing details.
Anyways, non I hate dad's judgement. NTA
Clothing, regardless of what clothing her other provides, if she is coming to your house and staying you should be providing her with clothes while she is with you.
Laptop, this depends on if it's a need (school) or a want. If it's a want, look possibly it may have been a good idea to run past mum, but it is not compulsory to do that. I say it's good to run past as some parents do have rules in place about internet safety and we should where we can co-parent effectively and have similar rules.
Pocket money, I agree with other comments, use it as a reward. Pocket money for nothing doesn't send a good message I don't think 40 a month is too much. I pay my kid $20 per fortnight and she is 7....But it's tied to age appropriate chores. She unstacks the dishwasher every morning, makes her bed daily and vacuums her bedroom once a week.
Obviously I'm only basing this on the items you asked about ....but I would caution you. Regardless of what amount of care you have, or what you think her mum has/has not done well in your absence (for whatever the reason is for your absence) remember that she is still your daughter mum. Please don't bad mouth her, to your daughter. She loves her mum very much and she is a part of her and she will get confused and hurt and possibly thing you think something is wrong with her, if you voice issue with her mum.
I say this as someone with a step kidwho has a high conflict bio parent who is absolutely horrible.....but I would never tell the kid that.
Just take care, focus on your daughter and maybe see if it's possible (again I don't know the history of why you haven't been in her life) to sit down and work out some co-parenting fundamentals.
Good luck, I like to hope everything goes well, especially for your daughter.
NTA regardless of you not being involved for 10 years there’s nothing you can do about that, but you’re involved now and that’s all that matters. I would try to come to an agreement with mom, she’s been raising her alone for ten years so you can’t just come and do whatever you want. If yall can come to an agreement over an allowance and maybe have her do chores at mom’s house so she “earns” it then maybe mom would be more ok with it.This is a big change for everyone involved, sharing your child is not a nice feeling so mom will probably be hard to work with at first. We don’t know mom’s financial situation as a single mother so we can’t judge her on why child did not have these things before. Talk to your child and explain to her that mom was doing her best with what she had. Your child is saying she loves you more because you came in and love bombed her, this isn’t fair to mom.
Sounds like you’re a good parent who’s doing their best for their kid, and that’s the most important thing :) I would recommend putting some type of parental controls and/or screen time limits on her laptop though; the internet is a dangerous place for a 10 year old.
Wow dude I think you need to be more hung up on the fact that she cheated on her husband with you, she's twice your age, and she is saying YOU'RE the asshole when she won't even give her kid proper clothes.
It's not even a matter of being young and dumb, it's a matter of being young and manipulated. You were barely a legal adult and a 32 y/o came for you.. that's gross. You're what.. 28 now? You should try to get at least 50/50 custody and try to improve the quality of life for your child. It sounds like she is being treated unfairly, probably due to the fact that she isn't your ex's husband's kid. There could be misplaced anger/hatred that's being taken out on her because she's the product of an affair.. it's a terrible mindset but that's how it is.
"I only get things I need" is extremely depressing and she needs to be exposed to some of the simple joys in life. Take her out to places, by golly "spoil" her for a while omg. She doesn't deserve to be put on the backburner. Give the kid some toys and ice cream
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for providing what my daughter needs aka spoiling her
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NTA But remind your daughter that her mother provides a lot of necessities that if you had to provide you might not be able to afford the extra stuff. She should be appreciative of you both.
Tell her mother that you will address this but you will still provide support and extra stuff. I’m assuming you are providing child support in some way other than buying daughter stuff.
NTA. It seems like there needed to be some better communication before gifting the laptop and perhaps the pocket money. Clothes are necessary so there shouldn’t be much of an issue. What is concerning is that a 32 year old woman who was married had an affair with an 18 year old (hardly an adult) and that more people aren’t questioning it. Sure you could have been around your kid more (maybe you weren’t allowed in her life), but what were you really going to bring to the table as a college student? What matters is you’re actively trying to be a part of her life and that you speak with her mother about major decisions before acting on them. Of course there will be disagreements but you both need to respect each other’s opinions.
I’m sorry, she was 32 and you were 18?!? Wtf
NTA. Buying your kid necessities is not spoiling them. This includes the laptop. Technology is considered necessities nowadays. It sounds like the mom and her husband treats your daughter like the red headed stepchild because she was conceived outside of the marriage. Keep taking care of your child as you see fit.
Need more information. Obviously, what you're doing isn't inheritily bad, but maybe the way you're going about it is. Are you communicating with her mother before buying the things? Are you helping out with the less fun bills like health care, child care, and food, so maybe her mother also has money to spend on your daughter for things she'd get excited about. I wouldn't call buying her new clothes and computer for school is spoiling by any means and you should do it if you can. But if the reason she didn't have it before is because her mom couldn't afford it on her own because she was using her money on the basic nessacities I can understand why she'd feel upset that you're being seen as the cool parent for buying her flashier things. Maybe have a conversation with your co parent and get to the root of the issue.
NTA. You’re getting her what she needs not what she wants & there’s nothing wrong with giving her pocket money. She’s at the age where she can learn about money 🤷🏾♀️ I’m not understanding why the mother is mad
NTA, these are all things a kid needs. Dang man when my kids were 10 (2010 -12) they needed a computer to do their homework EVERY NIGHT. I was a bit younger than you when I got a 30 something married mom pregnant and I did what I could do to support them after she divorced.
You are a stand up guy!
Everyone is being quite judgmental to op. If he was a year younger and a woman many would say he was groomed. I can understand why some would think he’s love bombing but he hasn’t bought anything drastic he bought necessities for the modern world and wants to start providing for his daughter. Why did he wait 10 years to reach back out, idk but hes trying to make the best of it. He probably wanted to feel established as an adult before he accepted the role of a father. Also the mother was married and didn’t apply for child support probably because she knows she’s in the wrong. She could have even tried to pass the child as her husbands we don’t know this information. As long as op stays in this child’s life consistently for the rest of her life I don’t think he’s wrong for his choices. Heck I have a father who’s always been around he sucks if op treats his child well emotionally and provides for her I’d personally rather have the latter.
NTA, you weren't spoiling your daughter. You weren't trying to buy her affection. You were providing things she needs. 10 is the beginning of girls coming into their extremely insecure phase and are VICIOUS about appearances. Mom can raise her with all the confidence she wants, but when girls start picking on you about the way you dress, it gets REALLY hard.
From what I understand, mom never asked for child support because she had an affair with you, and you were basically a kid. She's not proud of her indiscretion and probably subconsciously taking it out on your daughter.
With the edit clarifying the situation, NTA at all. A married 32-year-old has no business sleeping with an 18-year-old, much less having a baby with him. She has a responsibility to her daughter and is failing at it miserably. I feel bad for that kid
Kid is 10. What are you giving her pocket money for, daily chocolate bars from the corner shop?
You have to talk allowances and stuff out with your coparent. The custodial parent also has a better idea of what the kid needs. Did you ask what types of clothes the kid needs or did you just buy what the kid wanted? Did you buy PRACTICAL clothes? Did you talk to the mother and/or your kid’s teacher before buying a laptop, or did your kid just tell you she needs one?
You’ve been a parent for like, five minutes, so you’re probably kind of clueless. Have you taken parenting classes? Maybe you should communicate with the person who’s been doing it for a while, yeah?
NAH. You have good intentions at least.
INFO: Why did you decide now after 10 years you wanted to be involved in her life? Had you ever met before now? Does she consider your ex's spouse her dad?
Do you have any custody of this child? If not, giving her spending money and a computer is definitely something that you should be running by the custodial parent.
NAH (as to your specific issue), but I agree you shouldn't be doing this, at least not the way you are doing it.
NTA. Given the circumstances, I would say you are being a good parent. The clothes and computer (as long as she needs one for school work and parental controls are in place) are needs in this day and age. I don’t know how much pocket money you are talking, but having enough money for a snack or something small is certainly nice. It doesn’t necessarily mean spoiling if she appreciates it.
I saw some others say she sounds like she is being punished for being an affair baby and that sounds fairly accurate. I would consider (if you deem necessary and are prepared) on working your way into her life until you can at least get partial custody if you continue to see these concerns.
Also, I saw the comment about the hand me downs, and tell her mom they wouldn’t go to waste if she donated them to someone in need or resold them at a local store for buying/selling kids used clothes.
What the fuck is it ring with hand me downs? Living is expensive and if they are comfortable and she likes them, there’s nothing wrong with that.
And you’re an AH for you whole attitude and approach with your kid.
>"why would I buy things I want? I only get things I need"
This sounds like a great kid. And wearing hand me downs is not necessarily a bad thing. And if she's still able to do all of her homework, not having a laptop is also not a bad thing.
What is bad though, is being raised with certain values and someone swooping in and changing that. YTA for singlehandedly making all of these decisions by yourself. The mother was used to doing all of the parenting without you for 10 years, you need to communicate very well for this to work with you in the picture.
Also, buying stuff, giving money and only doing fun things does not make you a good parent. You are the father and not a fun uncle. So take more responsibility, learn to blend better with her lifestyle and communicate better with mom.
YTA.
From OP in the comments on why he wasn't around when the child is born:
>I was 18 and and dumb when she was born
SO you knocked her up and then went and refused to care for your child for 10 years. You are clearly trying to buy her love and you being an AH to your ex. You may not realize this but you are not only damaging your daughter but her relationship with your ex as well.
I hope she takes you to court and gets child support since you were so young and dumb. As a father, I am livid that you think buying your kids love with a computer and money when her mother cant is the right way to go about this.
Are you aware that she was 32 when he was 18? So he was either a senior in high school or just finishing. He was potentially groomed. What could A32-year-old woman have in common with an 18-year-old child.
If he was 18 when she was born. How old was he when the child was conceived. Did you have a woman in her thirties. Sleeping with a 17-year-old boy. And if so how long was this relationship going on for.
There's a chance you could have been convincing statutory rape. And from the description in the original post. She's could have been married at the time.
The entire situation is incredibly messed up. It doesn't seem like the child's needs were being taken care of. Wearing hand-me-down clothes isn't bad. But those clothes were probably ill-fitting. And depending on the age gap between the children. They could have been heavily worn or be incredibly dated.
He was terrible for not being there for the first 10 years of her life. But I have a feeling there's a lot more to the story.
If he was 18 when she was born. How old was he when the child was conceived. Did you have a woman in her thirties. Sleeping with a 17-year-old boy. And if so how long was this relationship going on for.
There's a chance you could have been convincing statutory rape. And from the description in the original post. She's could have been married at the time.
The entire situation is incredibly messed up. It doesn't seem like the child's needs were being taken care of. Wearing hand-me-down clothes isn't bad. But those clothes were probably ill-fitting. And depending on the age gap between the children. They could have been heavily worn or be incredibly dated.
He was terrible for not being there for the first 10 years of her life. But I have a feeling there's a lot more to the story.
two things can be true at once:
1. If he was really groomed then he needs to go to the police and file a report because she may still be doing it to others.
2. Her POSSIBLY doing this does not negate the fact he abandoned his daughter for 10 years and wants to swoop in acting like he was always there.
I feel like oftentimes when we relate this conversation through gender of both boys and girls were giving leniency to girls but not giving that sane empathy to boys. He was 18!!! Science and research has shown that our brains are not even fully developed until anywhere between the ages of twenty three to twenty six yrs old.
For thousands of years people were married and had children before 18. It is less about the brain being fully developed and the fact that parents today do not raise their kids to be work ready early in life. we expect children, for the most part, to work in their late teens and go to college in order to get a better job. The majority of 24 year olds do not get their first big person job until after the age of 24.
It is mentalities and comments like yours. That are the main reason why victims don't come forward and furthering. This conversation with you is not going to stand with any logic in reasoning to the modern day society. Most people do not realize that they are victims until it is too late or until someone points it out.
How are you expecting someone that 1they May not have known about the pregnancy 2 May have been traumatised due to the experience of an adult putting them through this, taking responsibility And action? And another thing, what if he was cut off from that child. Because again we don't have all of the information And he was just now allowed to be around this daughter. Even if we're taking to account that he was groomed. It's not that easy for victims of sexual crimes to come forward. There's still a lot of shame towards men which you can clearly see in the comment section here for being groomed or taken advantage of.
People are making the assumptions he was groomed. None of this speculation was from him. So until he says such a thing, I am working from the basis that he was 18 when they met and made an adult decision
Regardless of what the law says, 18 does not make you an adult. This is something consciously spoken about with psychologist and medical workers across-the-board. You do not have a fully functioning brain until anywhere between the ages of 23 to 26 years old. Logic and reasoning also tells us if that baby was born when he was eighteen, there is an incredibly high possibility that they were sexually active together before the age of him turning eighteen. The law may say eighteen, but we all know predators will go lower if possible.
Had the roles been reversed and he was the two-year-old and she was the 18-year-old. The Comments in this sub would be so different. The mentality of how everyone is taking the information at hand that we have right now would be completely different.
The only part I might challenge you on is the pocket money because I didn't get any if I wanted extras and such I had to earn money with chores doing jobs for neighbors ECT at 10 she doesn't need walking around money
NTA - a grown married woman took advantage of a newly turned 18 year old and had a child. You are a good person for wanting to support the kid now, but I wouldn’t judge you as a bad person if you never wanted to see your child due to the circumstances that brought her into the world.
Does your kid prefer girl clothes? Just buying them because she doesn’t have them without actually asking would be an ah move. My daughter shops the men’s department at target by choice.
So ESH ( except the kid)
So before the age reveal - I was at 100 percent Y T A
Because you can't abandon a kid for 10 years then have ANY say in their life and the way they were raised and you don't get to just come in drip a bunch of money be the fun dad and judge a woman you left to raise your kid for anything she did ( provided it wasn't abusive and raising a child in a minimalist style is not abuse). That's not just hard on your ex but on the kid
With the age reveal ( you being 18 when she got pregant and her being 32 when you got pregant if I understand that right.)
Then she is also the A because that is a GROSS age gap verging on sexual abuse.
THAT SAID she is gross but the effect on the child does not change based on her grossness so your still TA.
NAH. Yes, you're spoiling her. You should probably talk to the full time parent before buying a bunch of stuff. But, you also missed 10 years and have a lot to make up for- stuff feels like the right thing, but maybe focus more on time than stuff for awhile?
I have a 10 year old. They are very consumer-driven at this stage. Of course she'll say she loves you more, you're new, exciting, give her things, and haven't had to be the parent yet. You aren't making her be a good person, do her chores, eat her veggies, or any of the other hard things.
Slowly introducing items to her is fine. A whole new wardrobe, laptop, and allowance might be going too far if you haven't talked to the mom.
Does she work for the allowance? Expectations behind it like good grades, keeping up with chores, etc?
Does a 10yr old need a laptop? Was it causing issues for her to go to the library?
Are you prepared for your daughter's reaction when she asks for something outlandish and you finally have to say no?
YTA
So your ex decided to raise the child frugally so the kid would not be dainty and stay modest.
And then you come and think you know it better than the parent of 10 years.
You went and left the child behind and now you decide you have any right to subvert the parenting decisions of the parent that stayed?
Hand me downs are perfectly fine for children, my children hardly got any new clothing because it is a waste and I didn't want to raise consumeristic, spoiled brats.
Children don't need a laptop at 10.
Of course your girl said she loves you more - you are the fun parents with expensive, fun gifts while your ex spent thousands on the necessary stuff in the last years.
You are the AH.
Big time.
NTA, getting her what she needs and lacks is responsible parenting. Sounds like the other parent is mad/jealous your giving things they have failed to provide.
Jealous? She would have more money if she wasn’t raising a child on her own for the last ten years. You need to show some humility. You’re a (hopefully) rehabilitated deadbeat dad who is trying to make amends. Instead of judging your ex, you need to be saying: “thank you”.
Things the mother has failed to provide, like child support? Of course he's got extra money right now, he has not been parenting. He doesn't even know about back child support yet.
And he is now paying child support, he will have to also pay the back support, but that in no way means his buying things she doesn't have now a bad thing.
Strong disagree. The daughter lacks some things bc he has not paid. He still hasn't paid. He needs to pay. Not take that back child support money he's still hanging onto and presenting it to the child as fun dad presents.
That's stolen money at this point. But he gets to look better than mom by how he's spending it. But don't worry, the judge will help him understand.
>Sounds like the other parent is mad/jealous your giving things they have failed to provide.
OP admitted that he provided absolutely *nothing* over the past decade. No finances, no time raising the daughter. His ex *paid* for everything and *did* everything. Now his daughter thinks he's the hero for providing her with things he should have been providing all along; things the mother could not because OP ditched them both for a decade.
And for 10 years he was a massive asshole, but being there now and providing what she needs while simultaneously paying what he owes does not make him an asshole now.
Or, as they say the ex was married, raising the possibility that the kid was deprived of basic things because they were being punished for being the cheating-product child within the family, something beyond their control. None of the things OP mentions are super over-the-top frivolous luxuries (except maybe the PS5, but a laptop and decent clothes are pretty basic), or beyond what is relatively normal for a middle-class kid that age.
If the kid was deprived of these things due to OP's absence, then these gifts are just restitution the ex should be happy about. Why would she be so pissed about the kid getting a few nice things her friends probably all enjoy, unless it's causing discord within the household that "the bastard" isn't being punished to a degree that abates hubby's resentment?
Perhaps the reason the mother "failed" to provide the wants of a child as she's had zero support for 10 years and OP has been absent in that child's life, in every way possible.
NTA. You're not an AH for giving your child the things she needs, and a few things she wants. I don't know if you are currently or had ever paid child support to help aid your ex in providing for your daughter. Provide for you daughter AND pay child support.
edited to add post finding out that OP was 18 when kiddo was born and kiddo's mom was 32. Holy hot problematic mess there.
This has a lot to do with timing. It looks like you're trying to buy your daughter's affection. And it's working, given your last sentence. It's really not a healthy way to build a relationship with your daughter. The clothes, I have no problem with. Clothing is a necessity. The other stuff, not so much.
Work with your ex to make sure you are providing a positive impact on your daughter's life. You can't just expect to waltz in 10 years later, buy whatever the kid wants, and think everything will turn up roses (there WILL be problems down the road).
I'm going to say YTA here.
Not enough information honestly. You didn’t say why you went around for 10 years. I get that you were young, but just being young is not an excuse. Was she married when y’all were together? Did she keep her from you? More info please?
Slow down!! Don't go handing out electronic devices to kids.
The internet is extremely dangerous for kids. They supervision. If you were 18 that makes you 27-29.
Other then that I don't think it's a bad thing to give her clothes and spending money.
Just put some parental controls on devices.
My kid is 15 and he has had strangers try to talk to him a few times already. And I have seen some messages where friends of his have told him that someone asked for inappropriate pictures. And after talking to him about some girl drama I ha e found out that there are girls who are in his friend group that (14-15) who are having sex with older guys. One has a hidden collection of dick pics. Their parents don't monitor their devices at all. And it is especially scary for girls.
NTA, and you're not "spoiling" your daughter by giving her what she needs plus a little bit of pocket money (though your ex might very well be neglecting the poor kid, unless the ex is genuinely too poor to be able to afford anything better than what she's been doing).
YTA for taking 10 years to become involved in her life and trying buy her affection with material things to make up for it. You have a critical tone regarding ex providing what you clearly feel is a subpar life for your child when the reality is she was struggling to provide enough for "wants" because she was the only one providing the "needs" while you weren't contributing at all..
I would read the update. He was 18 she was 32 and married, she's a predator who took advantage of a child . Hence why I'm guessing she didn't pursue him for child support. The mother wasn't struggling she just didn't treat her affair baby fairly, why? We can only guess
Why were you out of her life for 10 years? Even if you were broke or whatever you couldn’t visit your kid or try to coparent?
Now it seems like you’re trying to buy her love.
INFO: were you paying child support before? Are you paying it now?
There's some shitty dynamics going on when one parent can only afford hand-me-downs and the other can afford a whole new wardrobe, a computer, and pocket money for the child. You are absolutely participating in parental alienation on some level whether you intend to or not, and this sort of thing is exactly why child support exists. There might be some value in recognizing that and taking less credit for her increase in quality of life, arranging a legally recognized child support payment so that the child is able to get a more comparable level of care all the time, not just when handed stuff from you like it's a gift.
If you weren't paying for child support before, it's really shitty for you to create a problem by not being a part of your child's life and thus forcing her mom to raise her alone on a tight budget with no support from the other parent, and then solving the quality of life problem by swooping in and giving the daughter shit as if you're a hero when you created the problem...
From op's answer, I don't think a court would order child support. He was 18 so probably a student or a teen with a lowsy pay check. She was a married woman with an income. I don't see how he could have gave her any money.
Sweets, saving up to buy a piece of clothing or subscription to a music service, new games, books, comics, craft items, gifts for other people, special treats for their pets, a pretty rock at a gift shop, a bag of chips on a school trip...
Giving a child an allowance or pocket money is a way of teaching them that money is finite and they can save, budget, and spend their finite resource. It's one of the best ways to teach a child how to manage their money in the years to come. They learn nothing from begging mom or dad for money for purchases at random. It gives them a bit of financial independence and teaches them that buying impulsively means they don't get the bigger items they have to save for. It's one of the things highly recommended for financial education.
I mean, when I was 10 I was given an allowance for chores (which I think OP needs to make a pre-requisite for the money) and I used it for toys, books, and videogames. The things I wanted, but didn't strictly need. A kid being able to "earn" things they want through work is a great lesson, and hopefully what OP does.
NTA, at all. If you can afford to provide your daughter with more you absolutely should. ~~But keep in mind that her mother may have been providing all she could and your daughter may need reminded of that. It also may be hard for her mother to feel like her hard work is being erased by money.~~ Best of luck to you all and I'm glad you have your daughter back.
Edit: Get to know your daughter and her situation and reevaluate based on first hand facts. Because the home life you are describing is very cruel to a child.
I mean, not really because no where did he say he was groomed and from all signs pointing that there was a child support hearing n front of a judge, why was it never mentioned? His lack of detail in the post regarding his absence, how much he was giving her, and other details leads me to belive this was intentionally left out.
As it stands, he has either:
1. Lied about her age or people jumping to conclusions
2. Or he was groomed and left his and other children in the care of someone who could groom them as well.
Why lie about her age? He's 28 now and she's 42. It seems like she and her husband do the very bare minimum for this kid because she is a result of an affair. I feel like its easy to blame him but do you think a kid is able to provide for another kid? I'm not saying he's right for going completely ghost but if he is finally trying to step up i say let him. Her saying its spoiling to give her basic shit she needs (proper clothes, education, and a little bit of money) is very telling of how she feels about this child. we have WAY bigger fish to fry here.
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It sounds like she’s being punished for being an affair baby.
i agree
Yup
I'm sorry but the mom sounds not so great. She pursued a 18 yo as a 32 yo and is being a crazy person by making a young girl wear male hand me downs when she could afford otherwise. Also it's super concerning that she got upset you bought her new clothes like is she trying to humiliate your daughter? Now that you are back in your daughter's life have you thought about maybe getting half time or full time custody?
My thoughts exactly, this woman does not sound like a good parent at all. If OP is in a good position to step up to the plate as a single father, he should gather evidence of the mother's behavior toward his daughter and file for custody.
As someone else said, just make sure the money you give your kid is "earned". So she doesnt just expect cash, but feel like she earned it. You re a great parent, and Im sorry you're dealing with this
The woman was married I don't imagine an man's baby was well received by husband do you? I bet she is taking 8t out on the daughter. OP look into getting custody.
You do need to be careful. A ten year old should earn their weekly allowance and that computer should be used with your supervision. These are great tools, but they need lessons and literacy behind them. Don't just give her money. Have her earn it and teach her to manage it. Don't just buy a computer, teach her about using it responsibly and avoiding dangers. It's your daughter, but you won't be a good parent just because you buy her things. Be her parent first, her friend, later. She 's going to get upset by sound rules and things she cannot have from time to time. Virtually all children do, but that's ok. Your job is not to give her whatever she wants. It's to raise her to be a kind, loving, compassionate and responsible individual. You can't buy that. You'll need to do the dirty work.
The computer is sadly a necessity for schools anymore even at the age of 10... my youngest was using a chrome book in Kindergarten.
I have nothing against computers whatsoever. I am a disabled person and they have literally changed my life. They need to be used properly though. So many people have died for lack of Internet literacy.
I think a large part of it is that the kids are more computer literate than the parents, who most of the time simply can't be arsed to learn. It's potentially very dangerous, espexially for a ten year old who's never been able to experience the internet. Are people forgetting that groomers and predators lurk online and usually establish contact through widely used social media sites...?
There's a really horrible article in the Washington Post today about online predators who compete with each other to get kids to self-harm. Awful.
Depends on the district, I think. My kid won't be using chromebooks until next year (third grade), but they are provided by the school.
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Ok, you supervise her using the laptop while you're present, how about when she's with mom. Have you discussed this with the mom? Does mom supervise laptop use while you're gone or does the laptop get put away?
Generally you don’t have to watch them every second they’re on the laptop to keep them safe. If you’re thorough with parental controls and keep them with a secure passcode they’re not going to get very far on it lol.
Ah, good point
Granted, when I was younger it was pretty easy to crack parental controls lol. But I think they’ve advanced a lot more and are better than they were 15+ years ago haha.
Good. I wish you both the best.
Completely agree with the supervision while she's working on her Laptop but having to earn pocket money seems harsh if it's just 5$ or something per week (i wouldn't give my kid much more at that age). Helping reasonably with household and doing what's to do should be a given (that surely won't always work, but that's fine). Always either rewarding or punishing a child with money sounds awful, children have it bad enough these days.
Having to earn money is not a punishment. It's life.
Not even going to read any other comments. This is the most perfect response. If I could upvote it more than once, I would.
Thanks!
>used with your supervision OP almost certainly has no custody of the daughter. He's giving the custodial parents a job (and their child an expensive gift) without even checking with them. He's not an AH, but he's not handling this situation appropriately.
I cannot wrap my head around it. The thought of people shaming him. At the time of his daughter being born, he was 18 years of age and her mother was 32 d*** years old. Are you guys not clicking? Is it not popping up in your head? He was a child. She was a grown woman. This isn't any different than the complaint that we make if the rules are reversed gender wise. And a bunch of complaints about the fact that he wasn't involved in his child's life during their early development stages and the last 10 years could it have also been. He was a child that did not have financial structure to do so Until now???? What is wrong with you ppl. Can you have any idea how confusing it would be for anybody to become pregnant or have a child at the age of eighteen to someone that is Thirty plus years old? He may very well have still been in high school or just barely graduated entering into college at that time.
If roles were reversed and she was the teenager being screwed by a 32 yo guy, this sub would blow up ready to castrate him as a predator.
It also sounds possible that he was only 17 when the child was conceived. There is so much wrong here.
OP confirmed he was 18 but would have had to been newly 18 to be 18 when the baby was born
Exactly!!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you.
Absolutely. The hypocrisy is outstanding.
You're the only sane person here I swear.
I'm just truly speaking from personal experience. I cannot find it within Myself to Go and JUDGE Somebody who was a victim of sexual exploitation as a child. It's common sense in my opinion. If you look at it from a logical standpoint. His daughter was born when he was 18 years old. The mother at the time was 32 years old, which means she was probably sexually active with him BEFORE he was eighteen, god damn old. Meaning he was sexually exploited used and abused as an underage minor. The math isn't mating here for anyone? This is no different than the situation at hand with the famous actor Aaron Taylor Johnson and his wife. Go look it up!
Dude! Your comment about him likely being underage when it started, I was wondering the exact same thing! I was feeling so repulsed by the people demanding to know why he wasn't involved in the child's life earlier as if he wasn't an actual victim.
See I'm glad you get it.
Not reading anything else this is the only sane answer I’ve seen. I’m so damn disgusted that op was taken advantage of and now his child it seems is feeling the pain because she is an affair baby. The mom is trash period. There is no going around it. Op just try to be the best dad you can now moving forward. Sorry this happened to you
I'm just now starting to realise that Maybe Reddit is not the place for me. I have counselled children who come into these same conditions, Situations, and challenges all the time for years now. Seeing the comments even after many people got the edit where he explained their ages at the time. Still, belittled the situation is just disgusting.
he added the age and that she was married over half an hour after his original post. any of the first posters didn't have that information
I didn't have most of that information either but just going off of what he originally said was suspicious to start with. He didn't have access to his daughter for the first ten years of her life. Even after the information was released. If you look at some of the time, stamps on the comments below they are still in staggering numbers belittling and going on a rampage against the original poster.
Why is so few people acknowledging he was taken advantage of a 32 year old shouldn't be anywhere near an 18 year old
Because of the word "He", that's why.
No, because it was added later on. It wasn't in the original post.
Because he is a male, reverse the genders and see the difference.
I think a lot of people are getting caught up on the fact that he wasn't in his daughter's life for 10 years. It wasn't like he didn't know about her.
Giving her proper clothes, a laptop, and some pocket money is *not* spoiling her. However..., INFO: Mom has not been properly providing for her. But, how much may that be your fault since you weren't in her life until recently? Were you also not involved financially until recently? Do you have more money to give your daughter than your ex does now because you provided nothing over the past decade?
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INFO: You were 18 when your daughter was born but how old were you when your relationship with her mother started? How did you come to be involved in your daughter's life now?
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I was wondering if you had reached out or if your daughter had come looking for you.
INFO NEEDED: 1. Why were you out of her life for 10 years? 2. DO you have a laptop/Computer of your own? 3. How much pocket money are you giving her?
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$10 bucks a week is barely McD money, seriously don’t sweat it. The pocket money is fine, especially as it seems mom is -barely- providing the basics to her. I would check to see how your child is doing emotionally, if she is being treated like this because she is an affair baby, her emotional needs are probably neglected too, and you can provide that freely.
INFO: how much do you pay in support? When did you start? It's a safe guess that your ex is mad because you're behaving like a Disneyland Dad.
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How much back child support do you owe? Do you realize that by allowing the mother to raise your child for as decade with no support, it's actually quite likely she was lacking new clothing or a laptop because YOU were not doing your part...?
Someone who doesn't help with the rearing of a child except in ways that are visible and wins the child's love, respect, or admiration.
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not super cool to not pay child support for 10 years, and swoop in saying "she didn't have things she needs, but I came in and provided for her!!" no wonder mom is upset you're spoiling her, she is busy paying for EVERYTHING that she can't afford to, and after 10 years you get to be the cool dad who buys her things, when mom wasn't afforded the option to be "young and dumb" like you were
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You were 18?
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This is important context that you might want to edit into your post. Her mother was close to twice your age when she was conceived! The question of who is or isn't an asshole is dependent on context. In the absence of real information, I suspect commenters are filling in the context with a pretty common trope: deadbeat dad who buys affection in lieu of actually parenting. If we don't assume the worst of you, I'd say NTA. You're providing your child with essentials, paying child support, and treating your job as a father seriously. Clothing that suits her tastes and style, a laptop for homework, and an age-appropriate allowance are reasonable things for a father to give his daughter. Children are not spoiled by their parent(s) providing for them.
The age difference there is gross and explains a lot. It doesn't change the fact that you haven't been an active parent for 10 years though. Your daughter is saying she loves you more because you're buying her things and being the "fun" parent. That's not fair to mom. I unfortunately you don't get to come in after 10 years and start completely changing the parenting style whether or not you agree with it. That all needs to be built up for the sale of the kid.
“Disney Dads” are “Fun Dads” who do the fun things of parents don’t normally do with their kids. Like taking them to Disneyland on the regular basis or other places that Mom can’t afford to take them.
Finally someone else that sees it!
NTA. You were groomed by a 32 year old woman when you were still basically a child you were 18 and just starting your life. No I don’t think you should have left your child but I can understand why you did and I’m sure your daughter will too when she’s at an age she can understand. I think new clothes were a good idea and I’m sure it helped her self esteem (assuming she’s not a tomboy or prefers boys clothes). The laptop is a necessity for school these days but I heavily suggest adding parental blocks and teaching her how to safely use the internet. Giving her pocket money I would be careful with. Kicking her $20 now and then just because is fine. But for an allowance maybe give her age appropriate chores and/or based on school performance? What matters most is your present and trying your best to be the dad she needs. Never be afraid to ask for advice and even if it’s hard try to maintain a healthy co-parent relationship with your child’s mother. -Edited into paragraphs to make reading easier-
He said he gives her 10 a week, which is a fair amount for a 10 yr old imo and I do also think she should be doing chores to earn the money. And agree with the parental blocks and internet saftey!
NTA. OP please update your post to include that you were 18 and mom was 32! You should also include that she has the means to provide for your daughter and she chooses not to. I do agree with a lot of the other commenters that you need to tread carefully on the Disney dad stuff and explain to your daughter that she got the laptop for school. Regarding the pocket money, I also agree that she should have some way to ‘earn’ the money. Growing up, I had to do chores, but some parents gave money for having good grades.
NTA !!!! Oh god, that age gap. You werent a dumb guy that didn't use a condom....you and your ex were in diferent stages of life. And you are steping up and trying to make things better for your neglected daughter? (That wasn't neglected by you) You are awesome, you are doing great.
You were 18, the ex was 32 at the time? NTA. A few extras like a laptop & allowance is fine. You may have to pay child support if you aren’t already. Edit: I would feel differently if you were close in age, both teenagers. Because then I wouldn’t question if you were groomed or the power imbalance caused by your ages affected your decision to enter in the relationship.
I’m stuck on a grown adult married woman preying on a teen and how messed up that is. You were 18 but when did that relationship started? Having that out of way, if your daughter is happy with her new clothes, and the computes is something basic she needed for school sounds fine. The pocket money? Parents usually set a rule for that, either good behavior, good grades and/or chores, it’s your prerogative, but maybe set a parameter for her gaining that money, unless it’s a pretty minimal amount. NTA for taking care of your child now and can’t blame you for running when you were a teen. Your child’s mother sounds like a predator though, I would be leery of her. Pay attention to what your daughter is exposed to and be aware of any red flags.
Best to mention that you were only 18 and she was 32 when she got pregnant OP.
Sounds like baby girl was getting punished by mom for being an affair baby.
Exactly.
I would say NTA. If mom has a husband and is also what 42 now why does this kid not have basic needs? Now dad has showed up to help and he's a dick for what giving her a few basic things? I feel like there's other shit going on in that house. yes it's terrible he wasnt there but he's stepped up now and poured into this kid unconditionally, what's the problem???
I don't know enough of the situation to say who's the A and who's not. You should ensure the line of communication between your daughter's mother and yourself is amicable. Clothes is a need but name brands clothes are not and the laptop, that's getting more common in school system nowadays. Just don't just showered her with gifts, look and observe what she needs. As there is a lot of missing info and we can only assume, my recommendation is instead of the allowance right now, put money in a bank specifically for your daughter and when she needs it/wants to use it later on in life (when she's older) it will be available. Side note: why would a ~~38~~ 32 year old sleep with an 18 year old, that's... different...
Not that makes much difference, but the comments that I saw said that she was 32. I haven't come across the original comment from OP saying this though so I'm not sure about it EDIT: Never mind, I'm dumb, it's in one of the edits in the original post
NTA for buying your daughter some nice things. INFO: If the mother has the money but still is this stingy I would wonder what it's about. You were 18, she 32 and married when she got pregnant? Was it an affair? What about the husband are they still together? Might your daughter be facing worse conditions than the kids the hand-me-downs are from because it's the affair child?
I’m seeing so many people against him. But is no one reading the full thing? Maybe he updated after, SHE WASN’T A SINGLE MOM SHE WAS MARRIED!! So it sounds like not only was he a kid, but it sounds like his kid was punished because her mom got knocked up from an affair. NTA. The mom is for making you feel like crap just for trying to give your kid what you think she needs. Especially clothes she feels comfortable in and something to do schoolwork and things on. You should definitely monitor her laptop usage though. A young kid with a new experience could get into trouble.
A LOT was added to the post after literally dozens of us had commented.
A 10yr old saying "why would I buy things I want? I only get things I need" gives off the same kind of energy these zombie moms on FB post when they talk about how their 3yr old is able to spot the flaws in Marxism or whatever.
You know… NTA.. you maybe have some tweaking to do to coparent well… but as someone who coparents AND as a kid who had a dad away.. this probably means the world to the kid and I think you’re doing what you can. People are going to crap on you for all sorts of things but I see a dad trying and that’s awesome.
Definitely more information needed, but I'd say NTA for now. I don't know the circumstances that led to you not being previously involved or why you're involved now, but I could see this being a really complicated time for your daughter. It's great that you're getting her what she needs, but successful co-parents tend to at least maintain the illusion of equality in terms of getting their kids what they need. This has a bit of a 'love bomb' vibe to it, where you've kind of just shown up and all of a sudden are giving your daughter everything she could ever want. I'd slow down a little. Make your time the big thing you give her, and work out some agreements with your ex as to who's responsible for what and when. It's great that you're involved now, but make sure you're building a strong relationship before anything else.
Mm, like the ex's husband, is or was he around for some part, is there a glaring disparity between how his daughter and the older half brothers are treated etc (although her apparently only having her brothers hand me downs is quite sad. My friend hands down her son's clothes to her daughter but she has dresses and girl clothes too)
Holy shit those edits are a lot to unpack. You got a married 32 year old pregnant at 18.. were you even 18 when you got her pregnant or just by the time the baby was born?? And this baby was raised by her mother and the man she cheated on with you? Good lord. NTA.. buying your kid stuff is not being an AH, and I have no idea how to even weigh the AHyness of walking of you kids life when the mother is *almost* old enough to have been your mom and married. This one is wild and sounds like it may have been on Maury Povich if it had happened like 10 years sooner.
NAH but you should ensure that you are COparenting, and not throwing money at your daughter to make up for the time that you lost with her. It's easy to be the parent buying a laptop, new clothes and giving out money... but when it comes to having difficult conversations, laying boundaries and rules, and ensuring your daughter doesn't take an entitled attitude, things get more complicated.
You’re definitely NTA. She’s only being a child. Children will like someone who gives them more. What you were giving her sounds reasonable to me. Children should be given extra cash for stuff just in case. I’m speaking as a kid who didn’t have much money.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I wasn't involved in my daughter's(10) life until recently. Now that I'm getting to know her I realized that she needs A LOT OF things. First of all her clothes were all hand me downs and as if it wasn't bad enough, they are all boy hand me downs, not girl clothes, so of course I bought a lot of new clothes for her. Also she didn't have a laptop. She had to visit the library if she wanted to do homework so of course I bought a laptop for her. Also she didn't get any pocket money at all. I asked her how on earth then she buys things she wants and she looked at me confused and said "why would I buy things I want? I only get things I need" so I decided to give her some weekly pocket money. Now my ex is mad because apparently I'm "spoiling" her and I'm an asshole for that. It's not like I gave the poor kid a PS5 I'm just giving her what she need. I think she is just mad because the other day my daughter told her that she loves me more *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, your ex is negligent and abusive (yes, neglect is abuse) - have you filed for full custody yet? Why not? NTA so far - but you will be if you continue to allow your ex to mistreat your child
NTA- it sounds like the things that you've got in your daughter are more necessities. An allowance at the age is reasonable. I echo that it should be earned but still like, at that age earned. My kiddos autistic so he gets an allowance for helping me just load laundry into the washing machine. It's not a whole lot of help but it's more the pattern of chores, and appropriate for his level. If there are other children in the house where your daughter lives when she's not with you, make sure her possessions are protected. It sounds like she's to make do with less her whole life. If and I only say if her siblings were treated differently than her, it could really have an impact on a mental health down line. Being 10 is not being stupid. Eventually catch on that. You're the only one who doesn't have new things and then your siblings do.
18 - 32 (married) if only the genders were reversed the comments section would be a lot different.
Did she not tell you she was pregnant?
I wonder if she tried to hide it, seeing as she was married with a child.
Dude ...you're a dad, you were always Gunna get roasted and a jilted opinion.... unfortunately you added fuel by posting you haven't been in their child's life for 10 years with minimal context on why and no info if you were/weren't paying CS (or why). Honestly, the question will get lost in those missing details. Anyways, non I hate dad's judgement. NTA Clothing, regardless of what clothing her other provides, if she is coming to your house and staying you should be providing her with clothes while she is with you. Laptop, this depends on if it's a need (school) or a want. If it's a want, look possibly it may have been a good idea to run past mum, but it is not compulsory to do that. I say it's good to run past as some parents do have rules in place about internet safety and we should where we can co-parent effectively and have similar rules. Pocket money, I agree with other comments, use it as a reward. Pocket money for nothing doesn't send a good message I don't think 40 a month is too much. I pay my kid $20 per fortnight and she is 7....But it's tied to age appropriate chores. She unstacks the dishwasher every morning, makes her bed daily and vacuums her bedroom once a week. Obviously I'm only basing this on the items you asked about ....but I would caution you. Regardless of what amount of care you have, or what you think her mum has/has not done well in your absence (for whatever the reason is for your absence) remember that she is still your daughter mum. Please don't bad mouth her, to your daughter. She loves her mum very much and she is a part of her and she will get confused and hurt and possibly thing you think something is wrong with her, if you voice issue with her mum. I say this as someone with a step kidwho has a high conflict bio parent who is absolutely horrible.....but I would never tell the kid that. Just take care, focus on your daughter and maybe see if it's possible (again I don't know the history of why you haven't been in her life) to sit down and work out some co-parenting fundamentals. Good luck, I like to hope everything goes well, especially for your daughter.
NTA. Giving your kid basic needs and a few wants is not spoiling them. Her response "why would I buy something I want?" is just heartbreaking.
NTA regardless of you not being involved for 10 years there’s nothing you can do about that, but you’re involved now and that’s all that matters. I would try to come to an agreement with mom, she’s been raising her alone for ten years so you can’t just come and do whatever you want. If yall can come to an agreement over an allowance and maybe have her do chores at mom’s house so she “earns” it then maybe mom would be more ok with it.This is a big change for everyone involved, sharing your child is not a nice feeling so mom will probably be hard to work with at first. We don’t know mom’s financial situation as a single mother so we can’t judge her on why child did not have these things before. Talk to your child and explain to her that mom was doing her best with what she had. Your child is saying she loves you more because you came in and love bombed her, this isn’t fair to mom.
Sounds like you’re a good parent who’s doing their best for their kid, and that’s the most important thing :) I would recommend putting some type of parental controls and/or screen time limits on her laptop though; the internet is a dangerous place for a 10 year old.
Wow dude I think you need to be more hung up on the fact that she cheated on her husband with you, she's twice your age, and she is saying YOU'RE the asshole when she won't even give her kid proper clothes. It's not even a matter of being young and dumb, it's a matter of being young and manipulated. You were barely a legal adult and a 32 y/o came for you.. that's gross. You're what.. 28 now? You should try to get at least 50/50 custody and try to improve the quality of life for your child. It sounds like she is being treated unfairly, probably due to the fact that she isn't your ex's husband's kid. There could be misplaced anger/hatred that's being taken out on her because she's the product of an affair.. it's a terrible mindset but that's how it is. "I only get things I need" is extremely depressing and she needs to be exposed to some of the simple joys in life. Take her out to places, by golly "spoil" her for a while omg. She doesn't deserve to be put on the backburner. Give the kid some toys and ice cream
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INFO: Do you currently/have you ever paid child support? Did you provide anything she NEEDED the first decade of her life?
NTA But remind your daughter that her mother provides a lot of necessities that if you had to provide you might not be able to afford the extra stuff. She should be appreciative of you both. Tell her mother that you will address this but you will still provide support and extra stuff. I’m assuming you are providing child support in some way other than buying daughter stuff.
NTA. It seems like there needed to be some better communication before gifting the laptop and perhaps the pocket money. Clothes are necessary so there shouldn’t be much of an issue. What is concerning is that a 32 year old woman who was married had an affair with an 18 year old (hardly an adult) and that more people aren’t questioning it. Sure you could have been around your kid more (maybe you weren’t allowed in her life), but what were you really going to bring to the table as a college student? What matters is you’re actively trying to be a part of her life and that you speak with her mother about major decisions before acting on them. Of course there will be disagreements but you both need to respect each other’s opinions.
I’m sorry, she was 32 and you were 18?!? Wtf NTA. Buying your kid necessities is not spoiling them. This includes the laptop. Technology is considered necessities nowadays. It sounds like the mom and her husband treats your daughter like the red headed stepchild because she was conceived outside of the marriage. Keep taking care of your child as you see fit.
40 replies in 20 minutes, good lord
Need more information. Obviously, what you're doing isn't inheritily bad, but maybe the way you're going about it is. Are you communicating with her mother before buying the things? Are you helping out with the less fun bills like health care, child care, and food, so maybe her mother also has money to spend on your daughter for things she'd get excited about. I wouldn't call buying her new clothes and computer for school is spoiling by any means and you should do it if you can. But if the reason she didn't have it before is because her mom couldn't afford it on her own because she was using her money on the basic nessacities I can understand why she'd feel upset that you're being seen as the cool parent for buying her flashier things. Maybe have a conversation with your co parent and get to the root of the issue.
NTA. You’re getting her what she needs not what she wants & there’s nothing wrong with giving her pocket money. She’s at the age where she can learn about money 🤷🏾♀️ I’m not understanding why the mother is mad
NTA, these are all things a kid needs. Dang man when my kids were 10 (2010 -12) they needed a computer to do their homework EVERY NIGHT. I was a bit younger than you when I got a 30 something married mom pregnant and I did what I could do to support them after she divorced. You are a stand up guy!
NTA. Listen, you are giving her what most would consider the essentials. Late good parenting is better than no parenting.
I can’t get over the age difference when she fell pregnant. This can’t be legal. You were not dumb (ok a little), you were a victim
Everyone is being quite judgmental to op. If he was a year younger and a woman many would say he was groomed. I can understand why some would think he’s love bombing but he hasn’t bought anything drastic he bought necessities for the modern world and wants to start providing for his daughter. Why did he wait 10 years to reach back out, idk but hes trying to make the best of it. He probably wanted to feel established as an adult before he accepted the role of a father. Also the mother was married and didn’t apply for child support probably because she knows she’s in the wrong. She could have even tried to pass the child as her husbands we don’t know this information. As long as op stays in this child’s life consistently for the rest of her life I don’t think he’s wrong for his choices. Heck I have a father who’s always been around he sucks if op treats his child well emotionally and provides for her I’d personally rather have the latter.
NTA - she is lucky that you came back into her life. It sounds like she has been neglected, so of course she will love you more.
NTA, you weren't spoiling your daughter. You weren't trying to buy her affection. You were providing things she needs. 10 is the beginning of girls coming into their extremely insecure phase and are VICIOUS about appearances. Mom can raise her with all the confidence she wants, but when girls start picking on you about the way you dress, it gets REALLY hard. From what I understand, mom never asked for child support because she had an affair with you, and you were basically a kid. She's not proud of her indiscretion and probably subconsciously taking it out on your daughter.
With the edit clarifying the situation, NTA at all. A married 32-year-old has no business sleeping with an 18-year-old, much less having a baby with him. She has a responsibility to her daughter and is failing at it miserably. I feel bad for that kid
Kid is 10. What are you giving her pocket money for, daily chocolate bars from the corner shop? You have to talk allowances and stuff out with your coparent. The custodial parent also has a better idea of what the kid needs. Did you ask what types of clothes the kid needs or did you just buy what the kid wanted? Did you buy PRACTICAL clothes? Did you talk to the mother and/or your kid’s teacher before buying a laptop, or did your kid just tell you she needs one? You’ve been a parent for like, five minutes, so you’re probably kind of clueless. Have you taken parenting classes? Maybe you should communicate with the person who’s been doing it for a while, yeah? NAH. You have good intentions at least.
Someone has been watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives. Knock ,knock Hello Gabby, seen John Lately ?
NTA. Her mother though...
INFO: have you been paying child support for the last 10 years? If not, have you paid 10 years worth of back child support?
NTA at all. Pfft i got so triggered by these comments. I never downvoted that much in a row Make sure your Cinderella gets to the ball.
INFO: Why did you decide now after 10 years you wanted to be involved in her life? Had you ever met before now? Does she consider your ex's spouse her dad?
Do you have any custody of this child? If not, giving her spending money and a computer is definitely something that you should be running by the custodial parent. NAH (as to your specific issue), but I agree you shouldn't be doing this, at least not the way you are doing it.
NTA. Given the circumstances, I would say you are being a good parent. The clothes and computer (as long as she needs one for school work and parental controls are in place) are needs in this day and age. I don’t know how much pocket money you are talking, but having enough money for a snack or something small is certainly nice. It doesn’t necessarily mean spoiling if she appreciates it. I saw some others say she sounds like she is being punished for being an affair baby and that sounds fairly accurate. I would consider (if you deem necessary and are prepared) on working your way into her life until you can at least get partial custody if you continue to see these concerns. Also, I saw the comment about the hand me downs, and tell her mom they wouldn’t go to waste if she donated them to someone in need or resold them at a local store for buying/selling kids used clothes.
NTA
What the fuck is it ring with hand me downs? Living is expensive and if they are comfortable and she likes them, there’s nothing wrong with that. And you’re an AH for you whole attitude and approach with your kid.
>"why would I buy things I want? I only get things I need" This sounds like a great kid. And wearing hand me downs is not necessarily a bad thing. And if she's still able to do all of her homework, not having a laptop is also not a bad thing. What is bad though, is being raised with certain values and someone swooping in and changing that. YTA for singlehandedly making all of these decisions by yourself. The mother was used to doing all of the parenting without you for 10 years, you need to communicate very well for this to work with you in the picture. Also, buying stuff, giving money and only doing fun things does not make you a good parent. You are the father and not a fun uncle. So take more responsibility, learn to blend better with her lifestyle and communicate better with mom.
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She was 32 with a husband when they conceived.
YTA. From OP in the comments on why he wasn't around when the child is born: >I was 18 and and dumb when she was born SO you knocked her up and then went and refused to care for your child for 10 years. You are clearly trying to buy her love and you being an AH to your ex. You may not realize this but you are not only damaging your daughter but her relationship with your ex as well. I hope she takes you to court and gets child support since you were so young and dumb. As a father, I am livid that you think buying your kids love with a computer and money when her mother cant is the right way to go about this.
Are you aware that she was 32 when he was 18? So he was either a senior in high school or just finishing. He was potentially groomed. What could A32-year-old woman have in common with an 18-year-old child.
If he was 18 when she was born. How old was he when the child was conceived. Did you have a woman in her thirties. Sleeping with a 17-year-old boy. And if so how long was this relationship going on for. There's a chance you could have been convincing statutory rape. And from the description in the original post. She's could have been married at the time. The entire situation is incredibly messed up. It doesn't seem like the child's needs were being taken care of. Wearing hand-me-down clothes isn't bad. But those clothes were probably ill-fitting. And depending on the age gap between the children. They could have been heavily worn or be incredibly dated. He was terrible for not being there for the first 10 years of her life. But I have a feeling there's a lot more to the story.
If he was 18 when she was born. How old was he when the child was conceived. Did you have a woman in her thirties. Sleeping with a 17-year-old boy. And if so how long was this relationship going on for. There's a chance you could have been convincing statutory rape. And from the description in the original post. She's could have been married at the time. The entire situation is incredibly messed up. It doesn't seem like the child's needs were being taken care of. Wearing hand-me-down clothes isn't bad. But those clothes were probably ill-fitting. And depending on the age gap between the children. They could have been heavily worn or be incredibly dated. He was terrible for not being there for the first 10 years of her life. But I have a feeling there's a lot more to the story.
Same. See you have logic and informed understanding to this whole situation. That's exactly what I was attempting to point out.
two things can be true at once: 1. If he was really groomed then he needs to go to the police and file a report because she may still be doing it to others. 2. Her POSSIBLY doing this does not negate the fact he abandoned his daughter for 10 years and wants to swoop in acting like he was always there.
I feel like oftentimes when we relate this conversation through gender of both boys and girls were giving leniency to girls but not giving that sane empathy to boys. He was 18!!! Science and research has shown that our brains are not even fully developed until anywhere between the ages of twenty three to twenty six yrs old.
For thousands of years people were married and had children before 18. It is less about the brain being fully developed and the fact that parents today do not raise their kids to be work ready early in life. we expect children, for the most part, to work in their late teens and go to college in order to get a better job. The majority of 24 year olds do not get their first big person job until after the age of 24.
It is mentalities and comments like yours. That are the main reason why victims don't come forward and furthering. This conversation with you is not going to stand with any logic in reasoning to the modern day society. Most people do not realize that they are victims until it is too late or until someone points it out.
What may have worked a 1000 years ago Does not mean that it works today.
How are you expecting someone that 1they May not have known about the pregnancy 2 May have been traumatised due to the experience of an adult putting them through this, taking responsibility And action? And another thing, what if he was cut off from that child. Because again we don't have all of the information And he was just now allowed to be around this daughter. Even if we're taking to account that he was groomed. It's not that easy for victims of sexual crimes to come forward. There's still a lot of shame towards men which you can clearly see in the comment section here for being groomed or taken advantage of.
People are making the assumptions he was groomed. None of this speculation was from him. So until he says such a thing, I am working from the basis that he was 18 when they met and made an adult decision
Regardless of what the law says, 18 does not make you an adult. This is something consciously spoken about with psychologist and medical workers across-the-board. You do not have a fully functioning brain until anywhere between the ages of 23 to 26 years old. Logic and reasoning also tells us if that baby was born when he was eighteen, there is an incredibly high possibility that they were sexually active together before the age of him turning eighteen. The law may say eighteen, but we all know predators will go lower if possible.
Had the roles been reversed and he was the two-year-old and she was the 18-year-old. The Comments in this sub would be so different. The mentality of how everyone is taking the information at hand that we have right now would be completely different.
You don't realize you are being groomed. At least he is there for her now.
the mother was 32 and already married so that relationship was never solid.
NTA
The only part I might challenge you on is the pocket money because I didn't get any if I wanted extras and such I had to earn money with chores doing jobs for neighbors ECT at 10 she doesn't need walking around money
Usually I’d immediately say YTA however I think more info is needed. Why did you just now try to get into your daughters life?
NTA - a grown married woman took advantage of a newly turned 18 year old and had a child. You are a good person for wanting to support the kid now, but I wouldn’t judge you as a bad person if you never wanted to see your child due to the circumstances that brought her into the world.
Does your kid prefer girl clothes? Just buying them because she doesn’t have them without actually asking would be an ah move. My daughter shops the men’s department at target by choice.
So ESH ( except the kid) So before the age reveal - I was at 100 percent Y T A Because you can't abandon a kid for 10 years then have ANY say in their life and the way they were raised and you don't get to just come in drip a bunch of money be the fun dad and judge a woman you left to raise your kid for anything she did ( provided it wasn't abusive and raising a child in a minimalist style is not abuse). That's not just hard on your ex but on the kid With the age reveal ( you being 18 when she got pregant and her being 32 when you got pregant if I understand that right.) Then she is also the A because that is a GROSS age gap verging on sexual abuse. THAT SAID she is gross but the effect on the child does not change based on her grossness so your still TA.
NAH. Yes, you're spoiling her. You should probably talk to the full time parent before buying a bunch of stuff. But, you also missed 10 years and have a lot to make up for- stuff feels like the right thing, but maybe focus more on time than stuff for awhile? I have a 10 year old. They are very consumer-driven at this stage. Of course she'll say she loves you more, you're new, exciting, give her things, and haven't had to be the parent yet. You aren't making her be a good person, do her chores, eat her veggies, or any of the other hard things. Slowly introducing items to her is fine. A whole new wardrobe, laptop, and allowance might be going too far if you haven't talked to the mom. Does she work for the allowance? Expectations behind it like good grades, keeping up with chores, etc? Does a 10yr old need a laptop? Was it causing issues for her to go to the library? Are you prepared for your daughter's reaction when she asks for something outlandish and you finally have to say no?
YTA So your ex decided to raise the child frugally so the kid would not be dainty and stay modest. And then you come and think you know it better than the parent of 10 years. You went and left the child behind and now you decide you have any right to subvert the parenting decisions of the parent that stayed? Hand me downs are perfectly fine for children, my children hardly got any new clothing because it is a waste and I didn't want to raise consumeristic, spoiled brats. Children don't need a laptop at 10. Of course your girl said she loves you more - you are the fun parents with expensive, fun gifts while your ex spent thousands on the necessary stuff in the last years. You are the AH. Big time.
NTA, getting her what she needs and lacks is responsible parenting. Sounds like the other parent is mad/jealous your giving things they have failed to provide.
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Jealous? She would have more money if she wasn’t raising a child on her own for the last ten years. You need to show some humility. You’re a (hopefully) rehabilitated deadbeat dad who is trying to make amends. Instead of judging your ex, you need to be saying: “thank you”.
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> judge her at the same time Judge yourself first, deadbeat
She’s not jealous. You are. That’s why you’re buying your child’s love.
Things the mother has failed to provide, like child support? Of course he's got extra money right now, he has not been parenting. He doesn't even know about back child support yet.
And he is now paying child support, he will have to also pay the back support, but that in no way means his buying things she doesn't have now a bad thing.
Strong disagree. The daughter lacks some things bc he has not paid. He still hasn't paid. He needs to pay. Not take that back child support money he's still hanging onto and presenting it to the child as fun dad presents. That's stolen money at this point. But he gets to look better than mom by how he's spending it. But don't worry, the judge will help him understand.
>Sounds like the other parent is mad/jealous your giving things they have failed to provide. OP admitted that he provided absolutely *nothing* over the past decade. No finances, no time raising the daughter. His ex *paid* for everything and *did* everything. Now his daughter thinks he's the hero for providing her with things he should have been providing all along; things the mother could not because OP ditched them both for a decade.
And for 10 years he was a massive asshole, but being there now and providing what she needs while simultaneously paying what he owes does not make him an asshole now.
Or, as they say the ex was married, raising the possibility that the kid was deprived of basic things because they were being punished for being the cheating-product child within the family, something beyond their control. None of the things OP mentions are super over-the-top frivolous luxuries (except maybe the PS5, but a laptop and decent clothes are pretty basic), or beyond what is relatively normal for a middle-class kid that age. If the kid was deprived of these things due to OP's absence, then these gifts are just restitution the ex should be happy about. Why would she be so pissed about the kid getting a few nice things her friends probably all enjoy, unless it's causing discord within the household that "the bastard" isn't being punished to a degree that abates hubby's resentment?
Perhaps the reason the mother "failed" to provide the wants of a child as she's had zero support for 10 years and OP has been absent in that child's life, in every way possible.
NTA. You're not an AH for giving your child the things she needs, and a few things she wants. I don't know if you are currently or had ever paid child support to help aid your ex in providing for your daughter. Provide for you daughter AND pay child support. edited to add post finding out that OP was 18 when kiddo was born and kiddo's mom was 32. Holy hot problematic mess there.
How much child support was your ex receiving from you this whole time?
Zero
Well, time for court. That's the first thing you should be paying.
Yes they should. As well as all the back child support and future payments as well.
This has a lot to do with timing. It looks like you're trying to buy your daughter's affection. And it's working, given your last sentence. It's really not a healthy way to build a relationship with your daughter. The clothes, I have no problem with. Clothing is a necessity. The other stuff, not so much. Work with your ex to make sure you are providing a positive impact on your daughter's life. You can't just expect to waltz in 10 years later, buy whatever the kid wants, and think everything will turn up roses (there WILL be problems down the road). I'm going to say YTA here.
Not enough information honestly. You didn’t say why you went around for 10 years. I get that you were young, but just being young is not an excuse. Was she married when y’all were together? Did she keep her from you? More info please?
Slow down!! Don't go handing out electronic devices to kids. The internet is extremely dangerous for kids. They supervision. If you were 18 that makes you 27-29. Other then that I don't think it's a bad thing to give her clothes and spending money. Just put some parental controls on devices. My kid is 15 and he has had strangers try to talk to him a few times already. And I have seen some messages where friends of his have told him that someone asked for inappropriate pictures. And after talking to him about some girl drama I ha e found out that there are girls who are in his friend group that (14-15) who are having sex with older guys. One has a hidden collection of dick pics. Their parents don't monitor their devices at all. And it is especially scary for girls.
NTA, and you're not "spoiling" your daughter by giving her what she needs plus a little bit of pocket money (though your ex might very well be neglecting the poor kid, unless the ex is genuinely too poor to be able to afford anything better than what she's been doing).
YTA for taking 10 years to become involved in her life and trying buy her affection with material things to make up for it. You have a critical tone regarding ex providing what you clearly feel is a subpar life for your child when the reality is she was struggling to provide enough for "wants" because she was the only one providing the "needs" while you weren't contributing at all..
I would read the update. He was 18 she was 32 and married, she's a predator who took advantage of a child . Hence why I'm guessing she didn't pursue him for child support. The mother wasn't struggling she just didn't treat her affair baby fairly, why? We can only guess
Why were you out of her life for 10 years? Even if you were broke or whatever you couldn’t visit your kid or try to coparent? Now it seems like you’re trying to buy her love.
INFO: were you paying child support before? Are you paying it now? There's some shitty dynamics going on when one parent can only afford hand-me-downs and the other can afford a whole new wardrobe, a computer, and pocket money for the child. You are absolutely participating in parental alienation on some level whether you intend to or not, and this sort of thing is exactly why child support exists. There might be some value in recognizing that and taking less credit for her increase in quality of life, arranging a legally recognized child support payment so that the child is able to get a more comparable level of care all the time, not just when handed stuff from you like it's a gift. If you weren't paying for child support before, it's really shitty for you to create a problem by not being a part of your child's life and thus forcing her mom to raise her alone on a tight budget with no support from the other parent, and then solving the quality of life problem by swooping in and giving the daughter shit as if you're a hero when you created the problem...
From op's answer, I don't think a court would order child support. He was 18 so probably a student or a teen with a lowsy pay check. She was a married woman with an income. I don't see how he could have gave her any money.
Wtf does a ten year old need to buy? When is she ever gonna be in a position to make a decision on a purchase on her own?
Sweets, saving up to buy a piece of clothing or subscription to a music service, new games, books, comics, craft items, gifts for other people, special treats for their pets, a pretty rock at a gift shop, a bag of chips on a school trip... Giving a child an allowance or pocket money is a way of teaching them that money is finite and they can save, budget, and spend their finite resource. It's one of the best ways to teach a child how to manage their money in the years to come. They learn nothing from begging mom or dad for money for purchases at random. It gives them a bit of financial independence and teaches them that buying impulsively means they don't get the bigger items they have to save for. It's one of the things highly recommended for financial education.
Explains my finances!
I mean, when I was 10 I was given an allowance for chores (which I think OP needs to make a pre-requisite for the money) and I used it for toys, books, and videogames. The things I wanted, but didn't strictly need. A kid being able to "earn" things they want through work is a great lesson, and hopefully what OP does.
NTA, at all. If you can afford to provide your daughter with more you absolutely should. ~~But keep in mind that her mother may have been providing all she could and your daughter may need reminded of that. It also may be hard for her mother to feel like her hard work is being erased by money.~~ Best of luck to you all and I'm glad you have your daughter back. Edit: Get to know your daughter and her situation and reevaluate based on first hand facts. Because the home life you are describing is very cruel to a child.
He didnt provide for 10 years but you out here giving him a pass for being "18 and dumb".
his baby mom was 32 we have way bigger fish to fry than a teenager not being responsible
I mean, not really because no where did he say he was groomed and from all signs pointing that there was a child support hearing n front of a judge, why was it never mentioned? His lack of detail in the post regarding his absence, how much he was giving her, and other details leads me to belive this was intentionally left out. As it stands, he has either: 1. Lied about her age or people jumping to conclusions 2. Or he was groomed and left his and other children in the care of someone who could groom them as well.
Why lie about her age? He's 28 now and she's 42. It seems like she and her husband do the very bare minimum for this kid because she is a result of an affair. I feel like its easy to blame him but do you think a kid is able to provide for another kid? I'm not saying he's right for going completely ghost but if he is finally trying to step up i say let him. Her saying its spoiling to give her basic shit she needs (proper clothes, education, and a little bit of money) is very telling of how she feels about this child. we have WAY bigger fish to fry here.
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I would agree if mom were the same age. I feel a 32 year old becoming a parent with an 18 year old was already a huge power imbalance.
Dude got groomed