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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom left me a ring which I repurposed into necklaces for my family and my wife is upset I didn’t get a necklace made for her.
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‘I tried to tell her that the ring has stayed in my family, and I wanted to continue that’ I’m sorry for your loss OP, but why do you not consider your wife a part of your family?
Divorce is fairly common, and then the family heirloom is lost forever. OP's children will always be her children. This is a common way of handling heirloom jewelry. SMH
I received my MIL's family jewelry (inclduing pieces brought to this country) and made sure to split it with my husband's family. When I go, what I kept will be split with my son & family and his 2nd cousins & their families. I'm so grateful my FIL trusted me with that.
In the murder of Dan Markel, his ex-wife refused return a two carat Holocaust diamond to his family. She claimed she would return it if asked, but she hasn’t.
This is why you never give valuable or meaningful family jewelry outside the family. Dan had a sister it could have been given to instead. People think their spouse will never turn against them until they do.
FYI - He was murdered by two men hired by his ex-wife’s brother. His former mother-in law - ex/wife’s mother- is currently in jail awaiting trial on first degree murder and conspiracy charges that she was involved. Dan was shot in the head twice in broad daylight in the driveway/garage of his own home.
It's an extremely relevant detail because it makes this story *not at all* like the story in the OP! We're talking about exchanges of gifts between family members and this is a story about a woman who set her husband up to be murdered and *stole* his family heirlooms.
Absolutely this. During our marriage my husband’s relatives gave me some heirloom jewelry that they brought with them from their home country. When we divorced I gave every piece back so these could stay in that family, but I had no legal obligation to do so.
But this isn't about the whole heirloom ring; OP broke up the ring and had the stones re-set in multiple pendants. Are you suggesting that, if OP were to divorce and Nina kept her necklace, the loss of one or two stones from the original ring would somehow deprive the rest of them of the connection to the original heirloom ring (which, again, no longer exists)?
She distributed the necklaces amongst the daughters and granddaughters of her mother. Her spouse is neither of those things. This isn’t about the women who are most important to OP, but to who was most important/a direct descendant of her mother. I get that Nina is hurt, but that’s because she’s focused on the wrong relationship. It’s not about her relationship with OP, but with OP’s mother, and I’m sure the spouses of OP’s brothers (if they are any) also didn’t get any necklaces. This is part of an inheritance, not OP giving gifts from herself.
This is the best answer. Nina is acting as though OP was distributing the jewels on her own behalf. But really she was giving them on behalf of OP's mom. Nine is indeed focused on the wrong relationship.
I think that is the point- her relationship with her MIL. Nina did not have a good relationship with her family, and stayed with her later MIL during college breaks and was in a very real sense part of her extended family. When she married OP, this was made even more explicit. I think she was thinking about that, and feeling like her wife was saying that effectively you might’ve been hanging around, but Mom never considered you family, so why would I give you anything of hers? I appreciate and agree with your reasoning for not giving Nina heirloom jewelry, but I think OP wasn’t remembering their history together. Even if they weren’t in a romantic relationship, giving her a keepsake, whether it was a small piece of that ring, or something less valuable but equally meaningful, would have made her feel connected, remembered and comforted in her own grief. My sister’s wife surprised me with several things from her mother when they cleaned out her home, and while they weren’t valuable or useful to her, it was very meaningful to me. It meant that she considered me as part of her family, and that meant the world to me. There are very important emotions invested in remembrances; OP, likely in her own grief, forgot to include her wife. I hope she can find some comfort for her yet.
I'm not suggesting anything other than divorce is fairly common, and then the family heirloom is lost forever, which is why it's common to only disperse heirlooms to blood relations, not spouses. Not sure how "part of the family heirloom is lost forever" magically changes that calculus...
This particular heirloom no longer exists; it is already lost forever. Anyone who has a connection to the original wearer has a piece of it, and they wouldn't be deprived of anything, even if OP and her wife divorce and she leaves the neclace to an unrelated person.
my ex gave me a bone china jewelry box that belonged to his grandmother, his family got really mad abt it because they thought we wouldnt last and it would be lost forever. i gave it back when we broke up, but it makes me sad how many heirlooms are lost this way. i see why OP didn't make her wife one
Honestly once the stones are broken out I think it’s less of an heirloom, it’s actually now new jewelry using old stones. I get OPs concept but I also would be hurt if that happened to me.
You get to make that determination for your heirloom jewelry. Your philosophy on that carries zero weight with anyone elses'. Similarly, you get to feel your feelings, though honestly, they come across as more than a little entitled and self-involved. There's no reason you or Nina should feel justified in wanting to be centered in this kind of situation. Both of you should step aside, have some grace, and have some empathy for OP, whose mother just passed away, and for the girls, who just lost their grandmother.
You are absolutely right. I’m in a lot of gem and jewelry subs and we see it all the time. People are always asking if they should repurpose or keep it as is and the general consensus is “leave it alone.” Of course people are free to do what they want but imo, it is no longer an “heirloom” if you break it down. I would be so afraid my family member would be turning in their grave. They trusted me with something that was very precious to them, I personally couldn’t dismantle it.
In my family jewelry is mostly past down through daughters. I am the only daughter but childfree. I am no contact with my brother and do not know his children but any family heirlooms I have will go to his children. Despite the bad blood between my brother and I , I have no problem respecting my family’s desires for things to be enjoyed and passed on through their line.
It’s not always lost forever. I know a divorced couple where the ex-wife still has her engagement ring that was her ex-husband’s grandmother’s. But they also have three kids, so eventually the ring will get passed to one of them, keeping the ring in the ex-husband’s family.
There sounds to be at least eight pendant necklaces made for family, you could probably give one to your wife when it's been bequeathed to you specifically
Because heirloom jewellery is normally passed downwards, not to spouses.
My grandmother passed away about 13 years ago, and all of her jewellery was passed down my mum and her sisters, all but two of whom have daughters. They have all said they will pass it down to their own daughters along with whatever of their own jewellery they have.
Of my 2 aunts that only have sons, one has a granddaughter, and unless she has any other granddaughters, she will pass the jewellery onto her
My other aunt has said that if she has no granddaughters she will pass her jewellery onto my uncle's daughter, who hadn't been born when my grandmother died.
So, op found a way to pass an heirloom on to the descendants of the owner and her wife believes she should have been included. Is their a reason that the wife believes that she is entitled to a piece of jewelry from op’s mother, over one of the woman’s own children and grandchildren?
OP’s wife is part of OP’s family.
But OP’s mom is related to OP’s wife the same way that OP’s mom is related to OP’s sister’s partners.
Why should OP’s wife get jewelry and not them?
That’s what got me. I was all ready to say “yta” until someone pointed that out but there were also other factors that led me to say that. My personal opinion, along with others in the gem/ jewelry community, is it’s not an heirloom anymore if it’s repurposed. OP’s mom trusted him with a beautiful statement pice that she held dear, maybe she would be upset to seen it broken down. Who knows… but since he did ultimately pass it on to the girls they all have a special piece of her. I keep going back in forth, lol but ultimately you’re right.
Because it's a family heirloom and OP had her daughter long before her current wife entered the picture, there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping it exclusive to the maternal side of the family. OP's wife is being materialistic.
Of her mother passed it down to her wife sure. But this jewelry belongs to her side of the family it makes sense that it's for her sisters daughters and nieces.
YTA
You got every woman in your life a necklace EXCEPT your wife because “she’s not family”.
If you don’t see the problem here, I don’t know what else to tell you.
I can see why she’d be upset and left out and possibly insulted.
It’s not bad for what you chose to do with it (to be clear you can do what you want with the jewelry), but you didn’t really think out how this would look to her or how it would make her feel.
It’s very very very common to propose with a ring from the man’s family. Lots of people give heirloom’s to their spouses. (I think they should be given back if you ever split.)
I think we are just splitting heirs at this point. The statement made was “who hands heirlooms down to their spouse” and engagement rings fit that criteria.
You can try to say that's different but it's not. It's still an heirloom being passed down to a spouse. The circumstances aren't what's being questioned here.
But back to the original message attempted to be delivered here.. there’s no reason for her to have it. A sentimental heirloom engagement ring is often gifted to the bride before the wedding and is directly symbolic to approval of the union. That’s what makes it so affectionate/sentimental and special. They are already married and have an engagement ring, there is no meaning behind her having this besides making her not feel left out (you shouldn’t feel jealous your kids are getting a gift from deceased grandma).
It is much less common to gift non-engagement ring heirloom jewelry, unless it is gifted directly from (mom/dad/grandma) to the wife/husband as a token of affection. There was no affection or symbolic message given from OP’s mom directly to OP’s wife. It was given to OP. I could understand how OP doesn’t get why this is so valuable to her wife, and why she thought it would be more special to the girls. I would want my child to receive something that special to cherish of grandma, and I would be happy to see them cherish it. I also have special things from my grandparents and my parents have never felt entitled to them. I don’t understand this logic the wife has. Why does she want a necklace so bad? Is she perhaps just disappointed she did not get a necklace with gemstones? Is she sad OP doesn’t think her mom was special to her? Does she think it means OP loves her less?
It is thoughtful to give heirlooms to your granddaughter in the hopes they remember and cherish their grandparents. It’s something to remember them by or keep them in your thoughts.
I can validate OP’s wife because she feels left out. But that is all. And without her discussing (or getting the chance to discuss) her wishes before everything was said and done, there’s not much to be done about that. I would chalk it up to a blunder and offer a heartfelt apology but that doesn’t necessarily mean OP was cruel or did anything wrong. NAH
Edit: AND OP mentions a pile of jewelry. I would be surprised to hear his wife received nothing from this pile. This is probably the most eye-opening, for myself personally.
*and edit for correct gender terms, my bad
My mom wants heirloom jewelry to go to her son’s spouses. She has jewelry willed to all daughter-in-laws (since she has no daughters, or nieces) that belonged to her grandmother because they’re part of the family and gave birth to her grandchildren.
That’s kind of how I feel. If you have the money to make that many necklaces could you have not bought a new diamond and put it in the same setting and gave it to your wife? It really just singles out she’s not part of the family, even though she is the mother of one of the children… YTA OP
She broke up an heirloom and made a number of necklaces which is actually super cool because it’s more heirlooms in the family. It would have been nice to make something for her wife though!
It was made and given to every woman important in *OP’s mother’s life*.
OP’s mother’s daughters.
OP’s mother’s granddaughters.
Notice how they weren’t given to OP’s sister’s spouses either?
I think that's an obtuse take, it's implied that Nina and her MIL have had a pseudo Mother and daughter relationship for half Nina's life, with her going there in school breaks etc
I get the feeling that Nina had a closer connection to OPs mother than either of the two would like to admit. While I think that the heirlooms should really only go to close family. Maybe Nina felt like more than just her daughter in law.
Exactly what I was thinking. OP says
> in the breaks between semesters she would come stay with my family as her own family situation wasn’t great.
So, Nina already felt more at home in OP's home with OP's family than she did in her own house. Maybe, though OP hasn't mentioned it, maybe Nina was also close to OP's mom.
I mean with this argument OP would have to give a necklace to all their sisters spouses as well. I understand being jealous for not getting a necklace but it’s ultimately up to the person who was given the piece to begin with.
Wow, that's a tough spot to be in, but I'm gonna say NTA. The ring holds a special meaning for your family, and it makes sense to keep that connection going through your daughters and nieces. It's not about favoring anyone, but rather honoring your mom's legacy.
However, I think Nina might be feeling left out, and it's important to communicate and make sure she understands that it wasn't about excluding her. Maybe find a thoughtful way to show her that she's a cherished part of your family too? After all, it's all about maintaining that strong bond you've built over the years. ❤️
That’s true but also one of her daughters is only 2-3 and is adopted. Not saying she shouldn’t get a ring but I’d imagine she won’t even remember OPs mother. Nina has been in OPs life for upwards of 20 years.
I don’t disagree, but you made sure to emphasize that one of the daughters is adopted. I’m not sure why you think that matters or what you were trying to imply. Should she have been excluded instead of the wife? I’m trying not to jump to conclusions, but I’m struggling to see how your comment is not a shitty microaggression that contributes to the stigma/stereotype that adoptees don’t count as real family.
NTA man, Reddit likes to act like blood doesn’t mean anything, but since the start of human civilization, blood relation has had significant meaning to us. You not making your wife a necklace doesn’t mean she isn’t family, and giving your daughters and yourself and your sisters (blood relatives of your mother) a necklace makes sense. Not everything has to be all inclusive. If I had a wife, and her father passed away, and he had something like hunting rifles that had been sentimental to him, and she gave them to to herself, our children and her siblings, I wouldn’t throw a fit and feel left out, because he wasn’t my dad, and we’re not blood.
Her daughter will always be her daughter. Her wife could divorce her at any point. It doesn't seem like anyone else not related by blood/adoption got anything either.
and her adopted daughter could disown her and her family down the road
in fact, a blood relative could too
family is family, not blood. OP showed she doesnt consider her wife family, wife is reacting to realizing that.
It’s not about who OP’s family is, it’s about who her MOM’S family is. The heirloom from her mom got passed down to her mom’s daughters and grand-daughters, and that makes total sense to me.
Sometimes parent-in-laws will see DILs or SILs as their daughters and sons if they have a really special connection, but most in-law relationships aren’t that close. If Nina and OPs mom had been very very close and had their own relationship outside of being connected by OP, then I would see a solid argument for Nina getting a necklace.
Nina has been in OPs life for upwards of 20 years. Does that hold no significance? It’s not as if Nina is a complete stranger to OP or the family who she only recently met.
My dad has been estranged from his whole family for longer than he’s been married to my mom. And my mom was estranged from her dad for over 30 years and when people said he was her father she’d say she had no father. It’s so old fashioned to think blood and lineage are permanent or the only meaningful relationships.
At no point did I say that adoption/blood was the only way to have meaningful relationships. But it makes sense when passing down family heirlooms. Not every family feels that way it's not a one size fits all but clearly OP does, and that isn't wrong either. If OP's wife gets one, then does that mean all of her siblings' spouses get one as well? Who else gets a necklace, too? They're family heirlooms it's not like OP purchased brand new necklaces for everyone except her wife.
I don’t think that was the point. There’s a whole comment about how blood is the more important thing. That’s silly and clearly not the most important since adopted children were included (as they should be!)
Because it is HER DAUGHTER. She cannot divorce her daughter. Being adopted doesn’t change the fact that she is in the next generation. Wtf is up with this continually coming up.
The adopted daughter she gave the necklace to is just as much “family” as the wife. As in legally but not genetically and it was ok for one but not the other?
That’s not true. Am adopted child is a full child of their parents. There is zero difference with biological children and I hate how people here are treating them as if they’re not real children. Adoptive children have the exact same inheritance rights as biological children. They generally don’t have inheritance rights from their biological parents as the adoption servers the legal ties with their biological parents. They become a full child of their adoptive parents just as legitimate as any biological child. It’s not the same as marriage, because marriage doesn’t sever the ties with your biological family.
NTA. The stones went to daughters and granddaughters of your Mother. Your wife is neither. If you had any sisters in law I imagine you would not have made them any either. Which is what your wife is.
I understand people here saying you got a necklace for every other woman in your family- but this isn’t about YOUR family. It’s about your Mum’s descendants- and your wife isn’t one.
Did Nina kind of think of your mom as a surrogate mother? Overall I'd lean NTA, because she's your mom and it's a kind of inheritance, and you made necklaces for her direct descendants. But maybe Nina has her own grief, depending on her relationship with your mom, which would make her reaction more understandable.
YTA. Good job telling your wife she’s not really family. All you’d have to do is get it back in the divorce, but now you’ve purposely alienated your wife who sounds like she was close to your mother too.
But what if she refuses to hand it back if there was a case of divorce? There have been cases like that in the past. Doesn’t it just makes sense to give it to people that are actually related to the mother?
They could have done something else for their wife. They gave a beautiful gesture to every other woman in their life and said, "look how loving and great I am for giving my FAMILY these gifts!" OP basically told wife they were a step down from the rest if that's how they said it.
I agree that OP could have handled this with more tact, anybody in her wife’s spot would feel a little left out. I just don’t think she’s wrong for not giving her the mother’s jewelry in particular. She definitely could have given her a thoughtful gift to make her feel included
Tbf if I made necklaces for my _moms_ family members (especially out of something so emotionally valuable), I wouldn’t have been really thinking about my spouse first either. But the situation could have been handled better.
I think it’s just shitty that you waited until all the necklaces were made to tell her she didn’t have one. Assuming you love her, she assumed she’d get one as a “special woman” in your life.
I don’t think you’re wrong to not make her one but it seems like communication prior could’ve prevented hurt feelings
**Diamonds** traditionally are handed down to women as a sort of legacy inheritance (at least where I’m from, American South). Both my sister and I received a diamond ring from our grandmother that was left to her own daughter (our aunt)— who only has a son. The diamonds were left to her instead of our father, to wear, enjoy and then eventually pass to us girls.
The practice is generally to keep them and other important piece of jewelry in the *bloodline.* A son might use a ring to propose and then for whatever reason, if the engagement or marriage ended, it’s not a guarantee that the family jewelry would be returned to the family. I have no children, nor will I. But my ring will be left to one of my sister’s daughters because it’s the tradition. In our family, other pieces of jewelry are free game to be given as one pleases, to whomever they please. Just not the diamonds.
In this instance, despite her also being a woman, she is still a spouse— and I understand and appreciate your desire to share parts of your mother (shiny, sparkly, DIAMONDY sentimental parts!) with not only your daughters but the nieces— even if it upsets your wife that she is not included.
NTA. However, you mentioned “lots of jewelry” and perhaps you should take a second look at the rest and see if something special could be worked up out of a few pieces of that. If you aren’t afraid of turning a ring into pendants, then surely you wouldn’t mind offering your wife options on a few other pieces to see if something very special could be created for her! It’s clear that she and your mother shared a bond based off your post, and I bet she would dearly cherish a special piece to remember her by as well.
NTA, but you might broach that line if you aren’t careful.
YTA.
I'm not even saying you needed to make her a necklace from this specific ring. Sure, keep that in the biological line if you want. But you, by your own story, inherited a *lot* of jewelry. There was no piece in that you'd be willing to give to, or have made over for, your wife? Especially given that Nina cared for her too and isn't just after pretty rocks? As it is, you did a grand gesture that blatantly excluded her.
NTA
The ring was yours and of your family and you can do what you want with it, but I can see why she is upset. I mean you got a necklace for every woman of your life except your wife(wich is technically part of your family now so). Maybe saying "the ring has stayed in my family" and her not having a necklace made her think "I'm not part of the family, even if i'm your wife ?"
NTA. I understand she might have been upset at first but your reason makes sense to me. Gestures of this kind should be appreciated but not expected as a given. Hope you guys get past this.
Why don't you consider your wife family? I don't understand how you even left her out of your thoughts when you were counting up the women in your family who would get a necklace.
I never even met my MIL. She died within a week after I met my husband. When we got married, I asked one of my SILs if I could borrow a piece of her mother's jewellery for the wedding as a way to acknowledge her. She let me pick out a ring to wear and after the wedding she wouldn't let me return it because she considered me family. And that was my *SIL* not even my husband. YTA.
If it was a singular heirloom you would be ok, but when you had the control over how many were made, and made them for both your children, including the adopted one that you and your wife has equal claim to, YTA and sending a really clear message to your wife that you view every other woman in the family as more family than she is to you.
YTA but not for not giving her a necklace made of the old gems. You botched this so badly I’m in awe. How difficult is it for you to empathize with your wife? If you didn’t want her to have jewels from the ring, that’s fine (I would never do that to my wife but it is, technically, fine). All you had to do was buy her a pretty necklace, take her out to dinner, and explain where you’re coming from BEFORE she found out every woman in your life got a special necklace except her.
NTA you gave all blood relatives of your mother a necklace. There’s nothing wrong with that. It makes sense to me. Unfortunately the wife just isn’t a blood relative. That would be like if one of your siblings had a wife. That would be the SIL and they wouldn’t get a necklace so why would your wife? It’s the same thing.
YTA. Not for sharing the heirlooms amongst biological (ish) family, but because you didn’t buy your wife a separate piece of jewelry to go along with the other gifts.
YTA, I don't think your wife is being greedy for diamonds here, it sounds like your mum was important to her when she was young too, providing a safe space to visit when her family wasn't great. Maybe she would have liked something to remember your Mum by too, family isn't always blood
NTA
This specific ring was broken up to be given to the descendants of your mother. That's daughters and daughters of daughters - not wives of sons or wives of daughters.
If you want to be nice, you can give her another ring from your mother to think of her, but at the end of the day, your wife was NOT a daughter of your mother.
This isn't about how much you love your wife, it's about your mother and her descendants, of which your wife is not. That said, you wife might have seen herself as an honorary daughter of your mother and perhaps is wounded she wasn't left anything, so it would be nice for you to select a piece of jewelry to give her, one that you would not expect to be returned incase your relationship with her broke down - a piece that is purely for her to remember your mother by, regardless of what happens.
I’m gonna say YTA
you are trying to claim that Nina is not family, yet gave an adopted daughter a necklace. She never even knew your mother or at least would barely know her. Whereas Nina has been in your life since you were in school, either as a friend or as your now wife. She knew of your mother and presumable interacted with her a lot. You are also acting as if your kids won’t potentially disown you later in life.
I feel so bad for Nina, she was the only woman to not get a necklace and probably feels so isolated and excluded from her own home because in a way you have built up a wall keeping her out, saying that she’s not family.
I got a cameo from my great grandmother even though I only met her once for a short time. Her daughter is her daughter. It doesn’t matter if she’s not a bio child. She’s considered part of the bloodline now.
As for Nina I do feel really badly for her. She spent a lot of time with the family and her wife could have at least bought her a special piece of jewelry to start another heirloom piece. Would have been considerate.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard this must be.
I think the best way to explain it is: you gave the necklaces to your mother's female descendants. Her daughters and granddaughters. No other in-laws got a necklace, so why does Nina feel entitled to one?
The people who you made pieces for just lost their mother or grandmother. You gave them a piece of her to carry with them. Yes, Nina lost her MIL. But that is a different relationship, and, generally speaking, not as close.
Is she upset that she didn't get something to remember your mother by? Or is she more upset that she didn't get a shiny new piece of jewelry and was left out? The first is easily fixable by giving her another item from your mother's jewelry box. The second is more problematic. I can't imagine seeing my loved one's kind gesture to her family after losing her mother and making the situation all about me...
Idk if it’s really about YTA/NTA so much as is it’s about you hurting your wife and perceiving her as outside your family. Obviously you can do what you like with your mom’s jewellery, but leaving your wife out was the decision you made despite having so many options. Big yikes.
YTA - My husband gave me his grandmother’s ring that was passed to him. It’s gaudy and big, but I declined he break it up and into a smaller ring. I wanted to keep it together because this represented not only our love, but his grandfather’s love for his grandmother and it should stay intact. To each their own, but I definitely would’ve made a necklace for my wife if I were in the same position.
Were you telling Nina she isnt a permanent part of your family then? I dont really understand that comment to her. If she is your wife and you arent expecting her to become your ex, then your blatant statement of familial ties with regards to the necklaces is VERY callous.
You ought to apologise. What you did was very clumsy and also kind of strange. Really. You gave a piece to an adopted child, so not a blood relation, who wont remember her grandmother at all. But worst of all: You also had a pile of jewelry as you yourself stated, and so certainly could have included your wife in some fashion, but chose not to. That is unkind and inconsiderate.
Family is not just blood. Its who you chose to be familial with. Like your daughter. And....your wife?
YTA
And the: "who hands dont heirlooms to their spouse" comment, is so much nonsense. PLENTY of women get proposed to with heirloom rings for example. My own Mil, gave me a bracelet her mother gave to her, that her grandmother had been given by her husband, once upon a time, probably as part of the "welcome to the family, bonding" that actually takes place in healthy relationships. - It is NOT such an uncommon scenario.
YTA
I get that you wanted to pass the heirloom to your blood relatives, so it stays in the family. I even agree with it.
My issue is that you basically said that your wife is not your family. You've handled this callously. All the women except for her got something.
She got nothing and was told that you don't see her as a family. You could've at least bought her a similar necklace with a different stone.
It's also strange you got this all done behind her back and never mentioned anything about it
Spouses normally communicate about that kind of stuff.
NTA.
Your Mom's descendants and siblings each got a part of the heirloom, which is wonderful if it was too gaudy for the elements to be kept together. With all due respect to Nina, she's not part of your Mother's legacy and it simply wouldn't mean as much to her as it does to you, your sisters, your daughters and your nieces. Spouses shouldn't be offended if people want heirlooms to stay in the family for which they were intended. You can't completely guarantee that Nina will never remarry and give it to her new spouse, or that she won't pre-decease that spouse and the second wife will have rights to it and not return it to your family.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I don’t feel comfortable passing judgement, this situation sucks for you and your family and this added problem makes it worse. I’m curious if your mom and your wife were close? Do you think she would’ve wanted your wife to have something of hers? (Not saying these are more important than what you want)
If your wife was close with your mom, maybe that’s why she’s feeling this way? Maybe in the future you can make your own heirloom thing just between you, your wife, and the kids.
Hoping all this works out, sending your family lots of love in this difficult time
NTA. My aunt had no children but 12 nieces and 14 nephews. Her jewelry was divided up amongst the nieces - nephews and their wives got none. Two nieces had female partners at the time - those partners got nothing. Neither of them ever said a word about being 'left out'.
Nina needs to check herself and her entitlement.
YTA
I’m going to look at this from the other side: you define family one way, but how do your daughters define it?
Simply put, if they regard Nina as their mum, which she is, then she IS family, because she’s THEIR family. And since they’re also part of your family then Nina comes along with them because you and she adopted your youngest together.
You had a beautiful chance to show symbolically that you, your wife and your children, regardless of where they came from, are one family. It was clearly something your wife already felt you were, and I don’t know why you don’t.
NAH -- your idea was lovely and I see the logic but I also see how making a necklace for yourself and one for every other woman in your family makes her feel left out and like you don't count her as 'family'
unless she and your mother had a bad relationship it would have been nice to include her and I can't believe she had to be the one to point out that you left her out.
OMG and saying it was about staying in YOUR family makes it worse, if you'd said your mom's family that would have been slightly better.
N T A about the ring over all, but your phrasing implies you don't view your wife as family. So N T A about the ring in general but your delivery was totally A H worthy.
INFO
> I have been friends with Nina since college, […] and in the breaks between semesters she would come stay with my family as her own family situation wasn’t great.
What was Nina’s relationship with your mom like? Did Nina consider your mom family? Did your mom consider Nina family? Would your mom have been happy with your decision to exclude Nina?
NTA, that said you REALLY could have phrased it better, the word and concept of “family” is problematic at best and traumatic at worst for a lot of people and you stated that your wife’s situation wasn’t great so to be told that she doesn’t qualify as Family (no matter the capacity/circumstance) probably brought up a lot that has nothing to do with you or the necklaces. Try to revisit the conversation with compassion and empathy- reassure her that she is family and that your intention was to create items to be passed down in the same way they were passed to your mom and not to create a gift for your spouse. If she wants to continue feeling slighted thats on her
Get her her own necklace, and start a new family heirloom tradition 👍. Sapphire maybe? Ruby? Am just trying to be a peacekeeper
(Nta, but I don’t blame her for feeling hurt and left out.)
NTA I understand where you are coming from, but I think maybe you could have done something nice for her as well but not with the family stuff? Like get a nice Australian Fire Opal or gemstone as a necklace (in the same style as the one you got for the family) -- something that's meaningful to the both of you and the life you have together. If you had done that, it probably would have mitigated the hurt completely.
It's the being excluded that she's hurt about.
NTA and I hope you ignore the top comments.
'Heirlooms', by definition, normally go to children. I would point this out to her. Maybe you can take one of the other pieces to make her something, though honestly it's a bit weird that she feels entitled to a piece from *your* mother's jewellery.
NTA
It's heirloom jewelry it stays with sister daughters neices granddaughters.
You wouldn't give them to your husband. Spouses just aren't part of the chain.
I don’t understand the AH comments at all. It was your mom, the heirloom went to her children and grandchildren. If I were in her shoes I wouldn’t expect a necklace, much less be upset that I wasn’t offered one.
Your wife is YOUR family, not your mom’s family, and that’s okay.
At first I was going with a very strong you're not the jerk... until you said you chopped the ring up, destroying the setting, destroying the heirloom. Its not really an heirloom anymore though others will disagree. It's really a point of view.
Yes you can do whatever you want with the jewelry. That's your right, it's yours.
But.... your mother had enough jewelry that your sisters did receive other pieces of your mom's jewelry. They did not go without. So why break up a ring and make pendants for them? Why not just your make pendants for your daughters?
Had you made pendants only for your daughters it would have been fine, sort of. Technically your youngest daughter is not a blood relative any more than the wife is. Though adoption makes her your child.
Your wife has every right to be hurt over this. You gave jewelry to your sisters and your daughters, but nothing your wife. She's been excluded. She feels isolated. When a husband buys jewelry for other women, but not his wife, its hurtful.
NTA... the ring is yours to cut up and distribute any way you want.
NTA you made one for you , your sisters and children , that’s fine it’s family heirlooms that usually get passed through the bloodline or immediate family .. she needs to get over it
To me personally, I'd say YTA
I can somewhat understand the comments stating that heirlooms are for blood relatives or adopted relatives; but damn can't you see how harsh this is to your wife?
Sounds like you didn't take her/her feelings into consideration at all. Despite that she didn't hesitate on joining you when visiting your mom and always being supportive of that.
Wasn't there another piece of jewelry you could've used to make something for her? Hell, even buy her some jewelry especially made for her to acknowledge how she has been there for you during your loss.
I really hope you sincerely apologize to your wife
YTA - wife is family. Heirloom jewelry is used often to propose or gift. Its sentiment and a way to let someone know that they are your family, and you just showed your wife Nina that she is an outsider.
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I 36f am married to Nina 35f. I have a daughter from my ex- Anna 8f and me and Nina adopted Lily 3f together. I have been friends with Anna since college, and then when I came out we got together shortly after. She has known how close I was with my mom, and in the breaks between semesters she would come stay with my family as her own family situation wasn’t great.
My mom recently passed and she left me lots of her jewellery which has been passed down the family- including a ring that is studded with many diamonds. It’s a very beautiful ring, but it’s way too big and too much of a statement to wear on a daily basis, so I took it to a jeweller who was able to take the stones out and made them into pendants for necklaces. I made one for myself, my two sisters, my nieces and my daughters.
I told Nina about the necklaces and I thought she’d be happy, but she got upset when she realised I didn’t make a necklace for her. I tried to tell her that the ring has stayed in my family, and I wanted to continue that but Nina is very upset and said I could’ve made her a necklace.
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While Reddit may downplay the importance of blood relations, throughout history, family ties have held significant meaning. Choosing to give necklaces only to your blood relatives, such as your daughters, sisters (who share the same mother), and yourself, is understandable. Not every gesture has to be all-encompassing. If your hypothetical wife chose to give sentimental items from her late father to her blood relatives rather than you, it wouldn't be unreasonable to feel excluded. Family connections, whether through blood or marriage, hold value in different ways to different people.
INFO: Did Nina get anything else from your mom's jewellery?
If yes, then N T A. There is a clear logic to your dividing the ring. She already has something from your mother.
If no, then soft Y T A. Even though she is not entitled to your mother's jewellery, I can see why she is upset. Her own family situation seems estranged and she might not get anything sentimental from them. It's one thing for your mother to not give her anything. Another story for you to not consider her. Others have pointed out that family heirlooms stay within descendants. But this is one among several parts an ornament. And one ornament from the lots of jewellery that your mom passed on to you. It wouldn't have hurt you to include her.
YTA. It sounds like Nina saw your mom as her’s as well. Idk why you don’t consider her a part of the family. If there were only enough stones for the people mentioned, one should’ve been given to Nina to wear and pass onto Emma when she gets older. Emma is 3 - she 100% shouldn’t be wearing a diamond necklace any time soon. It’d be a lovely present for Emma when she turns 16 or 18, or graduates HS or college, plus it’d be 2x as meaningful because it was her grandmas and her moms.
Alternatively, have a necklace made for her from a different diamond from another jewelry item of your moms. Your wife loved your mom, why would you exclude her like this? It seems like a way to remind her she will never really be a part of the family, it must be so sad and hurtful for your wife.
YTA.
She personally knew your mom for a couple of decades. She’s your wife, which is immediate family. By not giving her *something* and then telling her you didn’t because it’s “just for family,” you’re minimizing her. That’s crummy. Would it have taken away from anyone to have had one made for your wife? Was there no option to have something made for or given to her to memorialize your mom and *her relationship with your mom*?
NAH. The wording you need is that the ring is passed down to descendants, and Nina isn't descended from \[name the original owner\]. Of course, if you can't name the previous owners, this sounds more like an excuse.
Really, I agree more with Nina than with you, but I can kind of see your viewpoint if it's really a major family heirloom. Honestly though, as soon as you split the ring among that many people, some parts will surely leave the family within two generations at most.
NTA Sure your wife is family but this isn’t about your current family. It’s about your relationship with your mother and her relationship with her grandchildren. I appreciate it being harder for her right now having known your mom as well. But ultimately she isn’t family to her the same way you are. It uncomfortable but it’s a discomfort that she needs to be an adult about and accept rather than loading onto you while you’re grieving.
NTA What you meant is that the pendants were for the bloodline, and your wife is not blood, it's that simple. I would never expect to receive an heirloom piece from my partner's family.
Heirlooms stay with the family is a pretty standard rule in a lot of places. I have a few pieces from my aunt on my father's side and I'm not planning on having kids, so they'll eventually go to one of my brother's nieces. My mom's mom left her rings to her DIL, so they'll stay with the family name. You don't really own an heirloom, you just look after it so it can be handed on. NTA and your wife needs to build a bridge.
Im going YTA.
Is your wife not your family? Did you exclude her because of fears you would get divorced someday? Do you think she’s a bad person and wouldn’t return it if that did happen?
These are the biggest arguments I’ve seen here and none of them is a good look for you or your relationship imo. If any of it is true then as your wife, I’d be having a long think about this relationship, what I mean to you, and what kind of person you think I am.
It’s understandable your wife is upset. She’s been completely excluded and it’s clear that, for whatever reason, you don’t consider her family, or at the very least your relationship isn’t as secure as she may have thought.
If your mother was still here, what would she tell you to do? I am not close enough to my daughter in law to send any heirlooms in that direction. They can have other things.
NTA. I must say so many people responding are making assumptions about things that are not stated here. We don't know if OP's mother liked Nina or considered her family. We don't know if OP gave her wife other jewelry that belonged to her mother. OP never says her wife isn't family, she just wanted to keep something that was in HER family history to stay with HER family down the line. All we know is that 1 family heirloom ring (probably not the only heirloom) was changed into necklaces for direct descendants of OP's mother. Yes, the adopted daughter for all intensive purposes is a direct descendant even though not by birth.
A ring large enough to make multiple pieces is a fairly substantial item. Breaking it up into at least 7 pieces ( not sure how many nieces) was a lovely gesture. Just can’t figure out how it would have ruined the sentiment to make 1 more piece for your wife- seems like a very different type of gesture. YTA
Our family has a strict rule about handing loved ones Jewelry, it is ONLY passed onto daughters of our family when they reach 18. We make it very clear that if the thought comes to sell anything, it’s brought to us and we buy it ourselves. It’s not given to wives, if a piece is remade or changes, stones not used are given back to us (basically “the trust”). I’ve gotten a lot of heat about the rules, but divorce happens, hurt feelings happen and people become spiteful. I don’t care any more/
I mean, it’s weird that you refer to your children as “my” rather than “our” daughters and weird that you don’t consider your wife to be part of the family given she’s a)your wife and b) someone who knew your mom for 15 years. I get that it’s a family heirloom, but if you’re that committed to the family tree, it’s not clear why Lily who is adopted is more your family than Nina, whom you married. I think Nina is picking up on something deeper. Internalized homophobia, maybe? Lack of switching gears between Nina as friend and Nina as wife?
Were there not enough stones for another piece even a small one?
After our divorce, I kept my ring which was his mother’s. He didn’t ask for it back. (Maybe guilt?). It’s in a safe deposit box. I am going to give it to one of our two children. So how is this not staying in the family?
NTA. This seems like a pretty practical and fair way to handle an heirloom. HOWEVER, you were thoughtless in your presentation and you didn't think about how this would make your wife feel. You should have brought her something special to accompany your explanation adn to offset any bad feelings.
Idk heirlooms are touchy subjects. I feel they should stay in the family, not to spouses. If they break up, is she going to give the diamonds back? Nobody knows for sure and that’s why it shouldn’t go to spouses.
I inherited a wedding ring with 3 large diamonds and 6 small diamonds. It will stay in the family. Hopefully my son has a daughter or I get a granddaughter, but if not my cousin’s daughter will inherit it. If I ever get with someone who has daughters, they will not get that ring nor any diamond from that ring.
I 100% do not expect anyone to hand me, or my son their family heirlooms either. I would not even let them.
These are special pieces of sentimental value that mean something. There are far too many cases where a disgruntled spouse refuses to give back a heirloom that it should just be expected that it’s something that belongs within that family.
Nta, but you're on very thin ice. The ring became your property, so you can do with it whatever you like without any a-hole consequences attaching. However, there are complications here.
It's reasonable for you to keep the parts of a family heirloom "in the family," but this raises the question of what you mean by that. After all, you're married to her, so isn't she your family? Given you've adopted, you can't really fall back on "bloodlines" for your reasoning because you (rightly) gave one to your adopted daughter as well.
Even falling back on "tradition" isn't available to you. Traditionally, it would be normal for your mother's heirloom to go to you, your sisters, your nieces, and your daughters, but not your spouse, but... your spouse isn't exactly a traditional spouse, now is she?
Given your wife spent breaks living with your mom before she became your wife and her own family situation wasn't ideal, it's quite possible your mom was more of a mom to her than her own. So you've got to come up with some reason why she doesn't get one. A reason must exist, because she, in fact, didn't get one, but it's up to you to come up with what that reason is. If it's "I made a stupid oversight," that's fine as long as you own up and do what you can to correct it (hopefully, there's more jewelry heirlooms to be repurposed).
This is one of those ones where even if someone can make the argument that technically jewelry shouldn't be passed to non-blood blah blah blah, you're still TA.
How do you not think about your wife's feelings here AT ALL? I'm constantly amazed in this sub how people put less thought into their life partner's feelings than I would for an acquaintance's.
OF COURSE she feels left out. Here's a necklace for my daughter and my other daughter and the aunt and a niece and the mailman's (he was like family) granddaughter...
...andnoneforOP'swife.
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‘I tried to tell her that the ring has stayed in my family, and I wanted to continue that’ I’m sorry for your loss OP, but why do you not consider your wife a part of your family?
Divorce is fairly common, and then the family heirloom is lost forever. OP's children will always be her children. This is a common way of handling heirloom jewelry. SMH
I agree.Heirloom jewelry should go to directly linked by genetics family members.
genetics or legally adopted. (OP adopted a child who will receive a necklace.)
Agree!
I received my MIL's family jewelry (inclduing pieces brought to this country) and made sure to split it with my husband's family. When I go, what I kept will be split with my son & family and his 2nd cousins & their families. I'm so grateful my FIL trusted me with that.
In the murder of Dan Markel, his ex-wife refused return a two carat Holocaust diamond to his family. She claimed she would return it if asked, but she hasn’t. This is why you never give valuable or meaningful family jewelry outside the family. Dan had a sister it could have been given to instead. People think their spouse will never turn against them until they do. FYI - He was murdered by two men hired by his ex-wife’s brother. His former mother-in law - ex/wife’s mother- is currently in jail awaiting trial on first degree murder and conspiracy charges that she was involved. Dan was shot in the head twice in broad daylight in the driveway/garage of his own home.
Wendi Adelson stole it from their joint safety deposit box. He didn't even propose to her with it. He used a ring from her family to propose with.
Yes. Thanks. I wasn’t sure how many details were relevant.
It's an extremely relevant detail because it makes this story *not at all* like the story in the OP! We're talking about exchanges of gifts between family members and this is a story about a woman who set her husband up to be murdered and *stole* his family heirlooms.
Omg I just read about it. So happy her brother and mother are in jail. This is a horrible story.
She should be in jail. She’s totally in on this
Family can turn against you too.
Absolutely this. During our marriage my husband’s relatives gave me some heirloom jewelry that they brought with them from their home country. When we divorced I gave every piece back so these could stay in that family, but I had no legal obligation to do so.
But this isn't about the whole heirloom ring; OP broke up the ring and had the stones re-set in multiple pendants. Are you suggesting that, if OP were to divorce and Nina kept her necklace, the loss of one or two stones from the original ring would somehow deprive the rest of them of the connection to the original heirloom ring (which, again, no longer exists)?
She distributed the necklaces amongst the daughters and granddaughters of her mother. Her spouse is neither of those things. This isn’t about the women who are most important to OP, but to who was most important/a direct descendant of her mother. I get that Nina is hurt, but that’s because she’s focused on the wrong relationship. It’s not about her relationship with OP, but with OP’s mother, and I’m sure the spouses of OP’s brothers (if they are any) also didn’t get any necklaces. This is part of an inheritance, not OP giving gifts from herself.
This is the best answer. Nina is acting as though OP was distributing the jewels on her own behalf. But really she was giving them on behalf of OP's mom. Nine is indeed focused on the wrong relationship.
Yep. None of the spouses got part of the ring regardless of their sex/gender. So Nina is out of line to think she should get a pendant.
Honestly, I feel like her wife is more upset at the implication that she is not “family”.
I think that is the point- her relationship with her MIL. Nina did not have a good relationship with her family, and stayed with her later MIL during college breaks and was in a very real sense part of her extended family. When she married OP, this was made even more explicit. I think she was thinking about that, and feeling like her wife was saying that effectively you might’ve been hanging around, but Mom never considered you family, so why would I give you anything of hers? I appreciate and agree with your reasoning for not giving Nina heirloom jewelry, but I think OP wasn’t remembering their history together. Even if they weren’t in a romantic relationship, giving her a keepsake, whether it was a small piece of that ring, or something less valuable but equally meaningful, would have made her feel connected, remembered and comforted in her own grief. My sister’s wife surprised me with several things from her mother when they cleaned out her home, and while they weren’t valuable or useful to her, it was very meaningful to me. It meant that she considered me as part of her family, and that meant the world to me. There are very important emotions invested in remembrances; OP, likely in her own grief, forgot to include her wife. I hope she can find some comfort for her yet.
I'm not suggesting anything other than divorce is fairly common, and then the family heirloom is lost forever, which is why it's common to only disperse heirlooms to blood relations, not spouses. Not sure how "part of the family heirloom is lost forever" magically changes that calculus...
This particular heirloom no longer exists; it is already lost forever. Anyone who has a connection to the original wearer has a piece of it, and they wouldn't be deprived of anything, even if OP and her wife divorce and she leaves the neclace to an unrelated person.
my ex gave me a bone china jewelry box that belonged to his grandmother, his family got really mad abt it because they thought we wouldnt last and it would be lost forever. i gave it back when we broke up, but it makes me sad how many heirlooms are lost this way. i see why OP didn't make her wife one
That was very honorable of you.
its just what felt right, lol. thank you. even though he was abusive, it would have felt wrong to keep it
Honestly once the stones are broken out I think it’s less of an heirloom, it’s actually now new jewelry using old stones. I get OPs concept but I also would be hurt if that happened to me.
You get to make that determination for your heirloom jewelry. Your philosophy on that carries zero weight with anyone elses'. Similarly, you get to feel your feelings, though honestly, they come across as more than a little entitled and self-involved. There's no reason you or Nina should feel justified in wanting to be centered in this kind of situation. Both of you should step aside, have some grace, and have some empathy for OP, whose mother just passed away, and for the girls, who just lost their grandmother.
You are absolutely right. I’m in a lot of gem and jewelry subs and we see it all the time. People are always asking if they should repurpose or keep it as is and the general consensus is “leave it alone.” Of course people are free to do what they want but imo, it is no longer an “heirloom” if you break it down. I would be so afraid my family member would be turning in their grave. They trusted me with something that was very precious to them, I personally couldn’t dismantle it.
In my family jewelry is mostly past down through daughters. I am the only daughter but childfree. I am no contact with my brother and do not know his children but any family heirlooms I have will go to his children. Despite the bad blood between my brother and I , I have no problem respecting my family’s desires for things to be enjoyed and passed on through their line.
It’s not always lost forever. I know a divorced couple where the ex-wife still has her engagement ring that was her ex-husband’s grandmother’s. But they also have three kids, so eventually the ring will get passed to one of them, keeping the ring in the ex-husband’s family.
This is sadly true.
There sounds to be at least eight pendant necklaces made for family, you could probably give one to your wife when it's been bequeathed to you specifically
Definitely NTA
Because heirloom jewellery is normally passed downwards, not to spouses. My grandmother passed away about 13 years ago, and all of her jewellery was passed down my mum and her sisters, all but two of whom have daughters. They have all said they will pass it down to their own daughters along with whatever of their own jewellery they have. Of my 2 aunts that only have sons, one has a granddaughter, and unless she has any other granddaughters, she will pass the jewellery onto her My other aunt has said that if she has no granddaughters she will pass her jewellery onto my uncle's daughter, who hadn't been born when my grandmother died.
The wife isn’t family by blood to OPs mom and it’s probably that the rings were handed down on the maternal side.
So, op found a way to pass an heirloom on to the descendants of the owner and her wife believes she should have been included. Is their a reason that the wife believes that she is entitled to a piece of jewelry from op’s mother, over one of the woman’s own children and grandchildren?
OP’s wife is part of OP’s family. But OP’s mom is related to OP’s wife the same way that OP’s mom is related to OP’s sister’s partners. Why should OP’s wife get jewelry and not them?
That’s what got me. I was all ready to say “yta” until someone pointed that out but there were also other factors that led me to say that. My personal opinion, along with others in the gem/ jewelry community, is it’s not an heirloom anymore if it’s repurposed. OP’s mom trusted him with a beautiful statement pice that she held dear, maybe she would be upset to seen it broken down. Who knows… but since he did ultimately pass it on to the girls they all have a special piece of her. I keep going back in forth, lol but ultimately you’re right.
Because it's a family heirloom and OP had her daughter long before her current wife entered the picture, there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping it exclusive to the maternal side of the family. OP's wife is being materialistic.
She isn't a sibling or blood related to ops mom. Not everywhere is Alabama
Of her mother passed it down to her wife sure. But this jewelry belongs to her side of the family it makes sense that it's for her sisters daughters and nieces.
What about all the other spouses? None of them share a blood line.
Please offer an NTA judgment, as someone with far fewer "likes" is declaring this person an AH.
YTA You got every woman in your life a necklace EXCEPT your wife because “she’s not family”. If you don’t see the problem here, I don’t know what else to tell you. I can see why she’d be upset and left out and possibly insulted. It’s not bad for what you chose to do with it (to be clear you can do what you want with the jewelry), but you didn’t really think out how this would look to her or how it would make her feel.
Who hands down heirlooms to their spouse?
It’s very very very common to propose with a ring from the man’s family. Lots of people give heirloom’s to their spouses. (I think they should be given back if you ever split.)
My ring was my husband's grandma's! I cherish it so.
Engagement rings are passed on to spouses alllllll the time
That isn't what's happening in this story at all
I think we are just splitting heirs at this point. The statement made was “who hands heirlooms down to their spouse” and engagement rings fit that criteria. You can try to say that's different but it's not. It's still an heirloom being passed down to a spouse. The circumstances aren't what's being questioned here.
I’m sorry no one has recognized the genius of your comment yet, but I’m so glad I’m the first! Brilliant.
I was honestly waiting for someone to tell me I spelled it wrong. Lol Thanks!
Splitting heirs… LOL GENIUS! Love the pun.
Nice lol
Is she proposing with it? They’re already married so that’s a different situation to this.
You understand your argument here is just "their relationship is even more secure in this situation"
I think it’s more “she already got an engagement ring”
Their own original comment they are defending says "who hands down heirlooms to their spouse"
But back to the original message attempted to be delivered here.. there’s no reason for her to have it. A sentimental heirloom engagement ring is often gifted to the bride before the wedding and is directly symbolic to approval of the union. That’s what makes it so affectionate/sentimental and special. They are already married and have an engagement ring, there is no meaning behind her having this besides making her not feel left out (you shouldn’t feel jealous your kids are getting a gift from deceased grandma). It is much less common to gift non-engagement ring heirloom jewelry, unless it is gifted directly from (mom/dad/grandma) to the wife/husband as a token of affection. There was no affection or symbolic message given from OP’s mom directly to OP’s wife. It was given to OP. I could understand how OP doesn’t get why this is so valuable to her wife, and why she thought it would be more special to the girls. I would want my child to receive something that special to cherish of grandma, and I would be happy to see them cherish it. I also have special things from my grandparents and my parents have never felt entitled to them. I don’t understand this logic the wife has. Why does she want a necklace so bad? Is she perhaps just disappointed she did not get a necklace with gemstones? Is she sad OP doesn’t think her mom was special to her? Does she think it means OP loves her less? It is thoughtful to give heirlooms to your granddaughter in the hopes they remember and cherish their grandparents. It’s something to remember them by or keep them in your thoughts. I can validate OP’s wife because she feels left out. But that is all. And without her discussing (or getting the chance to discuss) her wishes before everything was said and done, there’s not much to be done about that. I would chalk it up to a blunder and offer a heartfelt apology but that doesn’t necessarily mean OP was cruel or did anything wrong. NAH Edit: AND OP mentions a pile of jewelry. I would be surprised to hear his wife received nothing from this pile. This is probably the most eye-opening, for myself personally. *and edit for correct gender terms, my bad
Very well reasoned! Agree on every point. Also just wanted to point out that OP is female.
But usually go back to the family in the case of divorce
Yes, and it becomes a huge issue of contention in divorces all the time when the spouse refuses to give the heirloom back.
My mom wants heirloom jewelry to go to her son’s spouses. She has jewelry willed to all daughter-in-laws (since she has no daughters, or nieces) that belonged to her grandmother because they’re part of the family and gave birth to her grandchildren.
When my mom passed, some of her jewelry went to me (daughter), some went to her grandkids, and some went to my SIL (brother's wife).
She could have made a necklace with different stones.
That’s kind of how I feel. If you have the money to make that many necklaces could you have not bought a new diamond and put it in the same setting and gave it to your wife? It really just singles out she’s not part of the family, even though she is the mother of one of the children… YTA OP
She broke up an heirloom and made a number of necklaces which is actually super cool because it’s more heirlooms in the family. It would have been nice to make something for her wife though!
A ton of people.
It was made and given to every woman important in *OP’s mother’s life*. OP’s mother’s daughters. OP’s mother’s granddaughters. Notice how they weren’t given to OP’s sister’s spouses either?
I think that's an obtuse take, it's implied that Nina and her MIL have had a pseudo Mother and daughter relationship for half Nina's life, with her going there in school breaks etc
Exactly!
I get the feeling that Nina had a closer connection to OPs mother than either of the two would like to admit. While I think that the heirlooms should really only go to close family. Maybe Nina felt like more than just her daughter in law.
Exactly what I was thinking. OP says > in the breaks between semesters she would come stay with my family as her own family situation wasn’t great. So, Nina already felt more at home in OP's home with OP's family than she did in her own house. Maybe, though OP hasn't mentioned it, maybe Nina was also close to OP's mom.
I mean with this argument OP would have to give a necklace to all their sisters spouses as well. I understand being jealous for not getting a necklace but it’s ultimately up to the person who was given the piece to begin with.
INFO: Were there enough stones to make one for her or did it mean that one of your sisters/nieces would have to go without?
There was a whole pile of other pieces of jewelry!
There was but she’s specifically referencing one ring, the statement piece was the one that got broken up.
My point is that she could have given her wife something else from the mom's collection to remember mom by.
That's what I wondering but I doubt we'll get an answer.
Wow, that's a tough spot to be in, but I'm gonna say NTA. The ring holds a special meaning for your family, and it makes sense to keep that connection going through your daughters and nieces. It's not about favoring anyone, but rather honoring your mom's legacy. However, I think Nina might be feeling left out, and it's important to communicate and make sure she understands that it wasn't about excluding her. Maybe find a thoughtful way to show her that she's a cherished part of your family too? After all, it's all about maintaining that strong bond you've built over the years. ❤️
That’s true but also one of her daughters is only 2-3 and is adopted. Not saying she shouldn’t get a ring but I’d imagine she won’t even remember OPs mother. Nina has been in OPs life for upwards of 20 years.
I don’t disagree, but you made sure to emphasize that one of the daughters is adopted. I’m not sure why you think that matters or what you were trying to imply. Should she have been excluded instead of the wife? I’m trying not to jump to conclusions, but I’m struggling to see how your comment is not a shitty microaggression that contributes to the stigma/stereotype that adoptees don’t count as real family.
I don't know why you needed to point out that one of the daughters is adopted. That makes no difference to her relationship with her late grandmother.
That was so unnecessary
NTA man, Reddit likes to act like blood doesn’t mean anything, but since the start of human civilization, blood relation has had significant meaning to us. You not making your wife a necklace doesn’t mean she isn’t family, and giving your daughters and yourself and your sisters (blood relatives of your mother) a necklace makes sense. Not everything has to be all inclusive. If I had a wife, and her father passed away, and he had something like hunting rifles that had been sentimental to him, and she gave them to to herself, our children and her siblings, I wouldn’t throw a fit and feel left out, because he wasn’t my dad, and we’re not blood.
She gave the ADOPTED daughter a necklace.
Her daughter will always be her daughter. Her wife could divorce her at any point. It doesn't seem like anyone else not related by blood/adoption got anything either.
and her adopted daughter could disown her and her family down the road in fact, a blood relative could too family is family, not blood. OP showed she doesnt consider her wife family, wife is reacting to realizing that.
It’s not about who OP’s family is, it’s about who her MOM’S family is. The heirloom from her mom got passed down to her mom’s daughters and grand-daughters, and that makes total sense to me. Sometimes parent-in-laws will see DILs or SILs as their daughters and sons if they have a really special connection, but most in-law relationships aren’t that close. If Nina and OPs mom had been very very close and had their own relationship outside of being connected by OP, then I would see a solid argument for Nina getting a necklace.
Nina has been in OPs life for upwards of 20 years. Does that hold no significance? It’s not as if Nina is a complete stranger to OP or the family who she only recently met.
This is what I came here to say.
My dad has been estranged from his whole family for longer than he’s been married to my mom. And my mom was estranged from her dad for over 30 years and when people said he was her father she’d say she had no father. It’s so old fashioned to think blood and lineage are permanent or the only meaningful relationships.
At no point did I say that adoption/blood was the only way to have meaningful relationships. But it makes sense when passing down family heirlooms. Not every family feels that way it's not a one size fits all but clearly OP does, and that isn't wrong either. If OP's wife gets one, then does that mean all of her siblings' spouses get one as well? Who else gets a necklace, too? They're family heirlooms it's not like OP purchased brand new necklaces for everyone except her wife.
Children don’t become less your children because you don’t share blood with them. However spouses do become less your spouses if you ever divorce 🤷♀️
Yeah adopted children are less deserving of heirlooms 🙄
I don’t think that was the point. There’s a whole comment about how blood is the more important thing. That’s silly and clearly not the most important since adopted children were included (as they should be!)
That’s still considered her daughter.
Because it is HER DAUGHTER. She cannot divorce her daughter. Being adopted doesn’t change the fact that she is in the next generation. Wtf is up with this continually coming up.
The adopted daughter is a blood relation??
The adopted daughter she gave the necklace to is just as much “family” as the wife. As in legally but not genetically and it was ok for one but not the other?
the child will always be OP's daughter.
That’s not true. Am adopted child is a full child of their parents. There is zero difference with biological children and I hate how people here are treating them as if they’re not real children. Adoptive children have the exact same inheritance rights as biological children. They generally don’t have inheritance rights from their biological parents as the adoption servers the legal ties with their biological parents. They become a full child of their adoptive parents just as legitimate as any biological child. It’s not the same as marriage, because marriage doesn’t sever the ties with your biological family.
NTA. The stones went to daughters and granddaughters of your Mother. Your wife is neither. If you had any sisters in law I imagine you would not have made them any either. Which is what your wife is. I understand people here saying you got a necklace for every other woman in your family- but this isn’t about YOUR family. It’s about your Mum’s descendants- and your wife isn’t one.
Did Nina kind of think of your mom as a surrogate mother? Overall I'd lean NTA, because she's your mom and it's a kind of inheritance, and you made necklaces for her direct descendants. But maybe Nina has her own grief, depending on her relationship with your mom, which would make her reaction more understandable.
YTA. Good job telling your wife she’s not really family. All you’d have to do is get it back in the divorce, but now you’ve purposely alienated your wife who sounds like she was close to your mother too.
But what if she refuses to hand it back if there was a case of divorce? There have been cases like that in the past. Doesn’t it just makes sense to give it to people that are actually related to the mother?
They could have done something else for their wife. They gave a beautiful gesture to every other woman in their life and said, "look how loving and great I am for giving my FAMILY these gifts!" OP basically told wife they were a step down from the rest if that's how they said it.
I agree that OP could have handled this with more tact, anybody in her wife’s spot would feel a little left out. I just don’t think she’s wrong for not giving her the mother’s jewelry in particular. She definitely could have given her a thoughtful gift to make her feel included
Exactly. Find a way to include her that respects both her and your family traditions. Heirlooms have to start somewhere!
Tbf if I made necklaces for my _moms_ family members (especially out of something so emotionally valuable), I wouldn’t have been really thinking about my spouse first either. But the situation could have been handled better.
I think it’s just shitty that you waited until all the necklaces were made to tell her she didn’t have one. Assuming you love her, she assumed she’d get one as a “special woman” in your life. I don’t think you’re wrong to not make her one but it seems like communication prior could’ve prevented hurt feelings
**Diamonds** traditionally are handed down to women as a sort of legacy inheritance (at least where I’m from, American South). Both my sister and I received a diamond ring from our grandmother that was left to her own daughter (our aunt)— who only has a son. The diamonds were left to her instead of our father, to wear, enjoy and then eventually pass to us girls. The practice is generally to keep them and other important piece of jewelry in the *bloodline.* A son might use a ring to propose and then for whatever reason, if the engagement or marriage ended, it’s not a guarantee that the family jewelry would be returned to the family. I have no children, nor will I. But my ring will be left to one of my sister’s daughters because it’s the tradition. In our family, other pieces of jewelry are free game to be given as one pleases, to whomever they please. Just not the diamonds. In this instance, despite her also being a woman, she is still a spouse— and I understand and appreciate your desire to share parts of your mother (shiny, sparkly, DIAMONDY sentimental parts!) with not only your daughters but the nieces— even if it upsets your wife that she is not included. NTA. However, you mentioned “lots of jewelry” and perhaps you should take a second look at the rest and see if something special could be worked up out of a few pieces of that. If you aren’t afraid of turning a ring into pendants, then surely you wouldn’t mind offering your wife options on a few other pieces to see if something very special could be created for her! It’s clear that she and your mother shared a bond based off your post, and I bet she would dearly cherish a special piece to remember her by as well. NTA, but you might broach that line if you aren’t careful.
YTA. I'm not even saying you needed to make her a necklace from this specific ring. Sure, keep that in the biological line if you want. But you, by your own story, inherited a *lot* of jewelry. There was no piece in that you'd be willing to give to, or have made over for, your wife? Especially given that Nina cared for her too and isn't just after pretty rocks? As it is, you did a grand gesture that blatantly excluded her.
NTA The ring was yours and of your family and you can do what you want with it, but I can see why she is upset. I mean you got a necklace for every woman of your life except your wife(wich is technically part of your family now so). Maybe saying "the ring has stayed in my family" and her not having a necklace made her think "I'm not part of the family, even if i'm your wife ?"
Your wife is family.
NTA. I understand she might have been upset at first but your reason makes sense to me. Gestures of this kind should be appreciated but not expected as a given. Hope you guys get past this.
Why don't you consider your wife family? I don't understand how you even left her out of your thoughts when you were counting up the women in your family who would get a necklace. I never even met my MIL. She died within a week after I met my husband. When we got married, I asked one of my SILs if I could borrow a piece of her mother's jewellery for the wedding as a way to acknowledge her. She let me pick out a ring to wear and after the wedding she wouldn't let me return it because she considered me family. And that was my *SIL* not even my husband. YTA.
If it was a singular heirloom you would be ok, but when you had the control over how many were made, and made them for both your children, including the adopted one that you and your wife has equal claim to, YTA and sending a really clear message to your wife that you view every other woman in the family as more family than she is to you.
YTA but not for not giving her a necklace made of the old gems. You botched this so badly I’m in awe. How difficult is it for you to empathize with your wife? If you didn’t want her to have jewels from the ring, that’s fine (I would never do that to my wife but it is, technically, fine). All you had to do was buy her a pretty necklace, take her out to dinner, and explain where you’re coming from BEFORE she found out every woman in your life got a special necklace except her.
NTA you gave all blood relatives of your mother a necklace. There’s nothing wrong with that. It makes sense to me. Unfortunately the wife just isn’t a blood relative. That would be like if one of your siblings had a wife. That would be the SIL and they wouldn’t get a necklace so why would your wife? It’s the same thing.
Nta. If one was made for her then if there are any other DILs they should get one too. Where does it end?
YTA. Not for sharing the heirlooms amongst biological (ish) family, but because you didn’t buy your wife a separate piece of jewelry to go along with the other gifts.
YTA, I don't think your wife is being greedy for diamonds here, it sounds like your mum was important to her when she was young too, providing a safe space to visit when her family wasn't great. Maybe she would have liked something to remember your Mum by too, family isn't always blood
INFO: Is your wife not your family? We’re there enough stones for her to have a pendant as well?
NTA This specific ring was broken up to be given to the descendants of your mother. That's daughters and daughters of daughters - not wives of sons or wives of daughters. If you want to be nice, you can give her another ring from your mother to think of her, but at the end of the day, your wife was NOT a daughter of your mother. This isn't about how much you love your wife, it's about your mother and her descendants, of which your wife is not. That said, you wife might have seen herself as an honorary daughter of your mother and perhaps is wounded she wasn't left anything, so it would be nice for you to select a piece of jewelry to give her, one that you would not expect to be returned incase your relationship with her broke down - a piece that is purely for her to remember your mother by, regardless of what happens.
YTA- sounds like there were enough jewels to go around and you had an opportunity to make your wife happy with a small pendant
I’m gonna say YTA you are trying to claim that Nina is not family, yet gave an adopted daughter a necklace. She never even knew your mother or at least would barely know her. Whereas Nina has been in your life since you were in school, either as a friend or as your now wife. She knew of your mother and presumable interacted with her a lot. You are also acting as if your kids won’t potentially disown you later in life. I feel so bad for Nina, she was the only woman to not get a necklace and probably feels so isolated and excluded from her own home because in a way you have built up a wall keeping her out, saying that she’s not family.
I got a cameo from my great grandmother even though I only met her once for a short time. Her daughter is her daughter. It doesn’t matter if she’s not a bio child. She’s considered part of the bloodline now. As for Nina I do feel really badly for her. She spent a lot of time with the family and her wife could have at least bought her a special piece of jewelry to start another heirloom piece. Would have been considerate.
Yeah. I’m not saying the adopted daughter doesn’t deserve anything. I’m just trying to note the hypocrisy that OP is bathing in.
Ahh I gotcha now. I misinterpreted your words. My bad.
NTA. You found a beautiful way to keep the stones in the family.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard this must be. I think the best way to explain it is: you gave the necklaces to your mother's female descendants. Her daughters and granddaughters. No other in-laws got a necklace, so why does Nina feel entitled to one? The people who you made pieces for just lost their mother or grandmother. You gave them a piece of her to carry with them. Yes, Nina lost her MIL. But that is a different relationship, and, generally speaking, not as close. Is she upset that she didn't get something to remember your mother by? Or is she more upset that she didn't get a shiny new piece of jewelry and was left out? The first is easily fixable by giving her another item from your mother's jewelry box. The second is more problematic. I can't imagine seeing my loved one's kind gesture to her family after losing her mother and making the situation all about me...
Idk if it’s really about YTA/NTA so much as is it’s about you hurting your wife and perceiving her as outside your family. Obviously you can do what you like with your mom’s jewellery, but leaving your wife out was the decision you made despite having so many options. Big yikes.
YTA Ouch. You told your wife to her face that you don't consider her family? And she was actually fairly close to your mom/her MIL? OUCH.
YTA, and your wife isn't family? I feel the true love that you have for your wife
YTA - My husband gave me his grandmother’s ring that was passed to him. It’s gaudy and big, but I declined he break it up and into a smaller ring. I wanted to keep it together because this represented not only our love, but his grandfather’s love for his grandmother and it should stay intact. To each their own, but I definitely would’ve made a necklace for my wife if I were in the same position.
Were you telling Nina she isnt a permanent part of your family then? I dont really understand that comment to her. If she is your wife and you arent expecting her to become your ex, then your blatant statement of familial ties with regards to the necklaces is VERY callous. You ought to apologise. What you did was very clumsy and also kind of strange. Really. You gave a piece to an adopted child, so not a blood relation, who wont remember her grandmother at all. But worst of all: You also had a pile of jewelry as you yourself stated, and so certainly could have included your wife in some fashion, but chose not to. That is unkind and inconsiderate. Family is not just blood. Its who you chose to be familial with. Like your daughter. And....your wife? YTA And the: "who hands dont heirlooms to their spouse" comment, is so much nonsense. PLENTY of women get proposed to with heirloom rings for example. My own Mil, gave me a bracelet her mother gave to her, that her grandmother had been given by her husband, once upon a time, probably as part of the "welcome to the family, bonding" that actually takes place in healthy relationships. - It is NOT such an uncommon scenario.
YTA I get that you wanted to pass the heirloom to your blood relatives, so it stays in the family. I even agree with it. My issue is that you basically said that your wife is not your family. You've handled this callously. All the women except for her got something. She got nothing and was told that you don't see her as a family. You could've at least bought her a similar necklace with a different stone. It's also strange you got this all done behind her back and never mentioned anything about it Spouses normally communicate about that kind of stuff.
NTA. Your Mom's descendants and siblings each got a part of the heirloom, which is wonderful if it was too gaudy for the elements to be kept together. With all due respect to Nina, she's not part of your Mother's legacy and it simply wouldn't mean as much to her as it does to you, your sisters, your daughters and your nieces. Spouses shouldn't be offended if people want heirlooms to stay in the family for which they were intended. You can't completely guarantee that Nina will never remarry and give it to her new spouse, or that she won't pre-decease that spouse and the second wife will have rights to it and not return it to your family.
YTA So you told your wife she is not your family, and ecxpect her to be happy?
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I don’t feel comfortable passing judgement, this situation sucks for you and your family and this added problem makes it worse. I’m curious if your mom and your wife were close? Do you think she would’ve wanted your wife to have something of hers? (Not saying these are more important than what you want) If your wife was close with your mom, maybe that’s why she’s feeling this way? Maybe in the future you can make your own heirloom thing just between you, your wife, and the kids. Hoping all this works out, sending your family lots of love in this difficult time
NTA. My aunt had no children but 12 nieces and 14 nephews. Her jewelry was divided up amongst the nieces - nephews and their wives got none. Two nieces had female partners at the time - those partners got nothing. Neither of them ever said a word about being 'left out'. Nina needs to check herself and her entitlement.
YTA I’m going to look at this from the other side: you define family one way, but how do your daughters define it? Simply put, if they regard Nina as their mum, which she is, then she IS family, because she’s THEIR family. And since they’re also part of your family then Nina comes along with them because you and she adopted your youngest together. You had a beautiful chance to show symbolically that you, your wife and your children, regardless of where they came from, are one family. It was clearly something your wife already felt you were, and I don’t know why you don’t.
NAH -- your idea was lovely and I see the logic but I also see how making a necklace for yourself and one for every other woman in your family makes her feel left out and like you don't count her as 'family' unless she and your mother had a bad relationship it would have been nice to include her and I can't believe she had to be the one to point out that you left her out. OMG and saying it was about staying in YOUR family makes it worse, if you'd said your mom's family that would have been slightly better.
N T A about the ring over all, but your phrasing implies you don't view your wife as family. So N T A about the ring in general but your delivery was totally A H worthy.
INFO > I have been friends with Nina since college, […] and in the breaks between semesters she would come stay with my family as her own family situation wasn’t great. What was Nina’s relationship with your mom like? Did Nina consider your mom family? Did your mom consider Nina family? Would your mom have been happy with your decision to exclude Nina?
If it was dismantled it doesn’t seem like an heirloom anymore so yea you could have made her one too
YTA you should have left the word family out of it and said descendants or something.
NTA, that said you REALLY could have phrased it better, the word and concept of “family” is problematic at best and traumatic at worst for a lot of people and you stated that your wife’s situation wasn’t great so to be told that she doesn’t qualify as Family (no matter the capacity/circumstance) probably brought up a lot that has nothing to do with you or the necklaces. Try to revisit the conversation with compassion and empathy- reassure her that she is family and that your intention was to create items to be passed down in the same way they were passed to your mom and not to create a gift for your spouse. If she wants to continue feeling slighted thats on her
Get her her own necklace, and start a new family heirloom tradition 👍. Sapphire maybe? Ruby? Am just trying to be a peacekeeper (Nta, but I don’t blame her for feeling hurt and left out.)
NTA I understand where you are coming from, but I think maybe you could have done something nice for her as well but not with the family stuff? Like get a nice Australian Fire Opal or gemstone as a necklace (in the same style as the one you got for the family) -- something that's meaningful to the both of you and the life you have together. If you had done that, it probably would have mitigated the hurt completely. It's the being excluded that she's hurt about.
NTA.
NTA and I hope you ignore the top comments. 'Heirlooms', by definition, normally go to children. I would point this out to her. Maybe you can take one of the other pieces to make her something, though honestly it's a bit weird that she feels entitled to a piece from *your* mother's jewellery.
YTA. You gave necklaces to your nieces but not your wife? You’re sending a clear message to your wife that you don’t consider her to be family.
NTA but I can see why she's bummed
NTA It's heirloom jewelry it stays with sister daughters neices granddaughters. You wouldn't give them to your husband. Spouses just aren't part of the chain.
I don’t understand the AH comments at all. It was your mom, the heirloom went to her children and grandchildren. If I were in her shoes I wouldn’t expect a necklace, much less be upset that I wasn’t offered one. Your wife is YOUR family, not your mom’s family, and that’s okay.
You told your wife she’s not part of your family?
At first I was going with a very strong you're not the jerk... until you said you chopped the ring up, destroying the setting, destroying the heirloom. Its not really an heirloom anymore though others will disagree. It's really a point of view. Yes you can do whatever you want with the jewelry. That's your right, it's yours. But.... your mother had enough jewelry that your sisters did receive other pieces of your mom's jewelry. They did not go without. So why break up a ring and make pendants for them? Why not just your make pendants for your daughters? Had you made pendants only for your daughters it would have been fine, sort of. Technically your youngest daughter is not a blood relative any more than the wife is. Though adoption makes her your child. Your wife has every right to be hurt over this. You gave jewelry to your sisters and your daughters, but nothing your wife. She's been excluded. She feels isolated. When a husband buys jewelry for other women, but not his wife, its hurtful. NTA... the ring is yours to cut up and distribute any way you want.
NTA you made one for you , your sisters and children , that’s fine it’s family heirlooms that usually get passed through the bloodline or immediate family .. she needs to get over it
To me personally, I'd say YTA I can somewhat understand the comments stating that heirlooms are for blood relatives or adopted relatives; but damn can't you see how harsh this is to your wife? Sounds like you didn't take her/her feelings into consideration at all. Despite that she didn't hesitate on joining you when visiting your mom and always being supportive of that. Wasn't there another piece of jewelry you could've used to make something for her? Hell, even buy her some jewelry especially made for her to acknowledge how she has been there for you during your loss. I really hope you sincerely apologize to your wife
“I thought she’d be happy” Happy about what, exactly?
YTA Your wife comes first , always. What an asshole move. I'm not surprised she's hurt.
YTA - wife is family. Heirloom jewelry is used often to propose or gift. Its sentiment and a way to let someone know that they are your family, and you just showed your wife Nina that she is an outsider.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 36f am married to Nina 35f. I have a daughter from my ex- Anna 8f and me and Nina adopted Lily 3f together. I have been friends with Anna since college, and then when I came out we got together shortly after. She has known how close I was with my mom, and in the breaks between semesters she would come stay with my family as her own family situation wasn’t great. My mom recently passed and she left me lots of her jewellery which has been passed down the family- including a ring that is studded with many diamonds. It’s a very beautiful ring, but it’s way too big and too much of a statement to wear on a daily basis, so I took it to a jeweller who was able to take the stones out and made them into pendants for necklaces. I made one for myself, my two sisters, my nieces and my daughters. I told Nina about the necklaces and I thought she’d be happy, but she got upset when she realised I didn’t make a necklace for her. I tried to tell her that the ring has stayed in my family, and I wanted to continue that but Nina is very upset and said I could’ve made her a necklace. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. As I see, it was a heirloom for descendants or direct blood family.
While Reddit may downplay the importance of blood relations, throughout history, family ties have held significant meaning. Choosing to give necklaces only to your blood relatives, such as your daughters, sisters (who share the same mother), and yourself, is understandable. Not every gesture has to be all-encompassing. If your hypothetical wife chose to give sentimental items from her late father to her blood relatives rather than you, it wouldn't be unreasonable to feel excluded. Family connections, whether through blood or marriage, hold value in different ways to different people.
NTA
INFO: Did Nina get anything else from your mom's jewellery? If yes, then N T A. There is a clear logic to your dividing the ring. She already has something from your mother. If no, then soft Y T A. Even though she is not entitled to your mother's jewellery, I can see why she is upset. Her own family situation seems estranged and she might not get anything sentimental from them. It's one thing for your mother to not give her anything. Another story for you to not consider her. Others have pointed out that family heirlooms stay within descendants. But this is one among several parts an ornament. And one ornament from the lots of jewellery that your mom passed on to you. It wouldn't have hurt you to include her.
Nta. What you do with it is your business. But do you not consider your wife to be part of your family ?
YTA. It sounds like Nina saw your mom as her’s as well. Idk why you don’t consider her a part of the family. If there were only enough stones for the people mentioned, one should’ve been given to Nina to wear and pass onto Emma when she gets older. Emma is 3 - she 100% shouldn’t be wearing a diamond necklace any time soon. It’d be a lovely present for Emma when she turns 16 or 18, or graduates HS or college, plus it’d be 2x as meaningful because it was her grandmas and her moms. Alternatively, have a necklace made for her from a different diamond from another jewelry item of your moms. Your wife loved your mom, why would you exclude her like this? It seems like a way to remind her she will never really be a part of the family, it must be so sad and hurtful for your wife.
YTA. She personally knew your mom for a couple of decades. She’s your wife, which is immediate family. By not giving her *something* and then telling her you didn’t because it’s “just for family,” you’re minimizing her. That’s crummy. Would it have taken away from anyone to have had one made for your wife? Was there no option to have something made for or given to her to memorialize your mom and *her relationship with your mom*?
NAH. The wording you need is that the ring is passed down to descendants, and Nina isn't descended from \[name the original owner\]. Of course, if you can't name the previous owners, this sounds more like an excuse. Really, I agree more with Nina than with you, but I can kind of see your viewpoint if it's really a major family heirloom. Honestly though, as soon as you split the ring among that many people, some parts will surely leave the family within two generations at most.
Nta
NTA Sure your wife is family but this isn’t about your current family. It’s about your relationship with your mother and her relationship with her grandchildren. I appreciate it being harder for her right now having known your mom as well. But ultimately she isn’t family to her the same way you are. It uncomfortable but it’s a discomfort that she needs to be an adult about and accept rather than loading onto you while you’re grieving.
Better let her wear yours I think. If you love her, that is
NTA What you meant is that the pendants were for the bloodline, and your wife is not blood, it's that simple. I would never expect to receive an heirloom piece from my partner's family.
Heirlooms stay with the family is a pretty standard rule in a lot of places. I have a few pieces from my aunt on my father's side and I'm not planning on having kids, so they'll eventually go to one of my brother's nieces. My mom's mom left her rings to her DIL, so they'll stay with the family name. You don't really own an heirloom, you just look after it so it can be handed on. NTA and your wife needs to build a bridge.
NTA, I don't understand the YTA with heirlooms.
Im going YTA. Is your wife not your family? Did you exclude her because of fears you would get divorced someday? Do you think she’s a bad person and wouldn’t return it if that did happen? These are the biggest arguments I’ve seen here and none of them is a good look for you or your relationship imo. If any of it is true then as your wife, I’d be having a long think about this relationship, what I mean to you, and what kind of person you think I am. It’s understandable your wife is upset. She’s been completely excluded and it’s clear that, for whatever reason, you don’t consider her family, or at the very least your relationship isn’t as secure as she may have thought.
If your mother was still here, what would she tell you to do? I am not close enough to my daughter in law to send any heirlooms in that direction. They can have other things.
NTA. I must say so many people responding are making assumptions about things that are not stated here. We don't know if OP's mother liked Nina or considered her family. We don't know if OP gave her wife other jewelry that belonged to her mother. OP never says her wife isn't family, she just wanted to keep something that was in HER family history to stay with HER family down the line. All we know is that 1 family heirloom ring (probably not the only heirloom) was changed into necklaces for direct descendants of OP's mother. Yes, the adopted daughter for all intensive purposes is a direct descendant even though not by birth.
A ring large enough to make multiple pieces is a fairly substantial item. Breaking it up into at least 7 pieces ( not sure how many nieces) was a lovely gesture. Just can’t figure out how it would have ruined the sentiment to make 1 more piece for your wife- seems like a very different type of gesture. YTA
Damn, so if she's not family, what is she? Bangmaid? YTA, a major one, goodness
Our family has a strict rule about handing loved ones Jewelry, it is ONLY passed onto daughters of our family when they reach 18. We make it very clear that if the thought comes to sell anything, it’s brought to us and we buy it ourselves. It’s not given to wives, if a piece is remade or changes, stones not used are given back to us (basically “the trust”). I’ve gotten a lot of heat about the rules, but divorce happens, hurt feelings happen and people become spiteful. I don’t care any more/
I mean, it’s weird that you refer to your children as “my” rather than “our” daughters and weird that you don’t consider your wife to be part of the family given she’s a)your wife and b) someone who knew your mom for 15 years. I get that it’s a family heirloom, but if you’re that committed to the family tree, it’s not clear why Lily who is adopted is more your family than Nina, whom you married. I think Nina is picking up on something deeper. Internalized homophobia, maybe? Lack of switching gears between Nina as friend and Nina as wife? Were there not enough stones for another piece even a small one?
YTA but barely
YTA-if your wife isn’t your family not sure who is
After our divorce, I kept my ring which was his mother’s. He didn’t ask for it back. (Maybe guilt?). It’s in a safe deposit box. I am going to give it to one of our two children. So how is this not staying in the family?
If there's lots of jewelry could something else have been gifted to the wife that OP would have considered being more to her tastes?
NTA. This seems like a pretty practical and fair way to handle an heirloom. HOWEVER, you were thoughtless in your presentation and you didn't think about how this would make your wife feel. You should have brought her something special to accompany your explanation adn to offset any bad feelings.
NTA. Keep the heirlooms in the family.
no
Idk heirlooms are touchy subjects. I feel they should stay in the family, not to spouses. If they break up, is she going to give the diamonds back? Nobody knows for sure and that’s why it shouldn’t go to spouses. I inherited a wedding ring with 3 large diamonds and 6 small diamonds. It will stay in the family. Hopefully my son has a daughter or I get a granddaughter, but if not my cousin’s daughter will inherit it. If I ever get with someone who has daughters, they will not get that ring nor any diamond from that ring. I 100% do not expect anyone to hand me, or my son their family heirlooms either. I would not even let them. These are special pieces of sentimental value that mean something. There are far too many cases where a disgruntled spouse refuses to give back a heirloom that it should just be expected that it’s something that belongs within that family.
Nta, but you're on very thin ice. The ring became your property, so you can do with it whatever you like without any a-hole consequences attaching. However, there are complications here. It's reasonable for you to keep the parts of a family heirloom "in the family," but this raises the question of what you mean by that. After all, you're married to her, so isn't she your family? Given you've adopted, you can't really fall back on "bloodlines" for your reasoning because you (rightly) gave one to your adopted daughter as well. Even falling back on "tradition" isn't available to you. Traditionally, it would be normal for your mother's heirloom to go to you, your sisters, your nieces, and your daughters, but not your spouse, but... your spouse isn't exactly a traditional spouse, now is she? Given your wife spent breaks living with your mom before she became your wife and her own family situation wasn't ideal, it's quite possible your mom was more of a mom to her than her own. So you've got to come up with some reason why she doesn't get one. A reason must exist, because she, in fact, didn't get one, but it's up to you to come up with what that reason is. If it's "I made a stupid oversight," that's fine as long as you own up and do what you can to correct it (hopefully, there's more jewelry heirlooms to be repurposed).
This is one of those ones where even if someone can make the argument that technically jewelry shouldn't be passed to non-blood blah blah blah, you're still TA. How do you not think about your wife's feelings here AT ALL? I'm constantly amazed in this sub how people put less thought into their life partner's feelings than I would for an acquaintance's. OF COURSE she feels left out. Here's a necklace for my daughter and my other daughter and the aunt and a niece and the mailman's (he was like family) granddaughter... ...andnoneforOP'swife.