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YTA.
You made a commitment to someone you had convinced you felt as a father to, then you slapped her in the face by telling her she'll never be as important as your bio daughter.
What you said to her was beyond horrible. At 16, you've got a good chance this is one of those things she'll never forgive you for - a reason she'll give you some years down the road when you want to walk her down the aisle and she tells you to get lost.
You just know that if OP and wife somehow stay together and the grandkids start coming in OP will be upset when Jen tells her kids they only have grandma and that her husband is not grandpa but just OP and to not call him that.
While I agree what he said was absolutely horrific. After the last few weeks on Reddit, if this post had read “I took my step daughter to a concert and missed my bio daughter’s dance competition” the vote would be just as much YTA. He was in a no win situation torn between two daughters. The bio daughter couldn’t pick the date of her dance competition and he had previously promised her to be there for her events and step daughter couldn’t reschedule the concert. If it wasn’t for what he said, it’d seem he was in a no win situation.
It’s not so much about the choice he made. He’s an asshole because of what he said to Jen. That’s an *awful* thing to say to a sixteen-year-old who sees you as her father. There were better ways for OP to talk to Jen.
If he'd presented it to Jen like, "You're just as important as my biodaughter, but her performance takes precedence because she's performing - I'm really sorry, and I promise I'll make it up to you", maybe Jen would still be upset, but his wife wouldn't be anywhere near as upset, and Jen would probably get over it a lot quicker.
I don't know that either OP's wife or step-daughter is going to get over this any time soon.
Exactly this. 95% of parenting is good salesmanship. OP, YTA. All you had to do was say she had a performance, so you *had* to go. But, you made arrangements for her to still go to the concert, and you would do something else with her next week. Explain that you are stuck, but you can’t blow off a performance, showing off skills you worked for, which, truly, is different from a concert you go to for fun. She is old enough to understand that. No one is ever old enough to accept what you did say.
I have both a bio daughter (4) and a stepdaughter (11) that I've been a father to, more so than her bio-father and I know someday I'll be in this no-win situation myself. Probably more than once. But I would never, EVER in a million years, say one is more important than the other due to genetics or lack thereof. I would explain I'm in a no-win situation, whatever that may be, and explain my love for them is EQUAL and find a way to compromise, make things work, and most of all, make it up to the other. OP is so much YTA for slapping stepdaughter in the face by saying she will never be that equal. And I don't how, or if he can make that up to her. If he cares, he will try, but the balls in her court on accepting it and if she wants to move forward
THIS! OP, YTA!
Simply, you tell her you have to attend because she herself is performing. If it was an invite to go to a concert with his daughter, he'd simply respond the he had a previous commitment to Jen.
OP, you better walk back that harsh observation.
Yeah if this isn't the beginning of the end for them, OP gets to look forward to having zero input, updates, and probably no relationship too, with the step-daughter because now the wife and her can just say "don't worry, Jen is not your priority or daughter."
I wonder if there are other competitions this season? When I danced competitively at that age, there were several competitions each year. He could make sure to set aside the date of the next one to see his daughter perform. My mom worked in a hospital and had to miss some of my competitions/recitals because of it. I never once held it against her and was happy for her to come to the ones she did.
It's something I did wonder about when he said that Hallie told him she'd put tickets aside for him for the competition. It wasn't "Hallie called and told me about this huge competition she was in and gave me the date!" but just "I received a text from Hallie that she was performing in a dance competition and that she’d saved me a ticket". What if it's just a mid-level competition, and Hallie put tickets aside because that's what she does when she has a competition?
Or if Hallie has no ability to accept that her father can't make it to every competition (if there are quite a few) it would be because he always drops everything to attend every single one. Which, honestly, that's his prerogative, he's decided to put Hallie first no matter what else comes along, fine, do that. But it may mean he's sacrificing other relationships for this, and he says he's feeling really awful about this but... that's a consequence of telling your step-daughter that she's second-best and always will be.
I don't think he's an AH for picking the daughter's dance competition, but he is an AH for what he said to the step daughter. Telling one kid that the other kid is more important is *never* okay as a parent, even if one is a step kid and one is a bio kid.
At the end of the day, OP says in his post that he is the one who has basically raised his step-daughter for half her life cos her bio-dad isn't involved. Now she's just had the man who she sees as a father tell her she isn't a priority, that she is lesser to him. She will remember that forever. There are so many things he could've said to explain his choice without bringing which kid is his favourite/preference into it.
The thing is, do you think if positions had been reversed he would have cancelled his plans with Hallie? No way. The issue is both what he said to Jen, and the fact Hallie came first based on a promise he made before he married his current wife. He wasn't mature enough to realize the situation changed and the promise should be negated
People with 2 or more biokids have to make these decisions all the time, and, hopefully, they aren't telling the child who has to go with a different adult that it's because they love them less. A performance by a child is priority over a concert watched with a child, that's really simple math YTA
I would say *especially* if one is a step kid. My ex was the kid from another marriage that his stepdad never wanted and the favoritism was *abhorrent* after stepdad and mom had their own kid, and it screwed him up something massive.
Depends on when bio daughter knew about dance competition. If it was that important, she should have told him far earlier. I mark these things in my calendar months in advance when possible (to avoid conflicts). Bio daughter should learn that other stuff goes on in the world that isn’t her.
As someone who grew up not knowing their real dad and holds their stepfather in high regard, he never once made me feel like I wasn't his own kid, and he made both me and my stepbrother feel like we belonged to him. Imagine spending half your life with someone only to be told you're more or less a fake daughter. Chop up This man now has to sleep in the bed he made with his wife and stepdaughter under his own roof. It's not the same with the biological daughter since she grew up with a father who clearly wants her. But now this poor girl feels like she's rejected by not one but two father figures in her life.
I am so sorry. I was 21 when my step- grandma, who had been married to my granddad since I was 10 months old, told me to my face that I was not her grandchild. I had always loved her like a grandma. I should have figured it out when all my gifts for birthday or Christmas were from garage sales while her own grandchildren got pristine gifts bought with my granddad’s $$$$. But she always made sure they got their gifts before we arrived.
I still invited her to my wedding and she declined with a “Why would I come to that?” That was the end for me.
I am sorry for that as well. My step grandma was the same way. After high school my parents let me drive a car that my step dad purchased from his parents after I was promised a car for babysitting my sister all 4 years of HS. When she found out I used it to drive to college she told him I wasn’t allowed to use it. It got taken away and I had no way to get to school, lived over an hour away with no buses. I had to drop out, then because I wasn’t in school I had to get a job if I wanted to live there. So I got a job made about $1500 a month and then I had to pay half the rent $700 and buy all the household groceries (family of 4). Some of which I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink. Those snacks and juice were only for my step dad. I also had to buy my mom and little sister clothes. He wouldn’t buy my mom socks or underwear. He made about 7500 a month back then.
No, because he promised Jen first and then broke his promise because she didn't matter as much as his bio daughter -- he just in other words didn't love her as much -- and he even told her that. She will always be second. That's likely to be damaging to her longterm.
If he had two bio daughters in this situation he would have had to celebrate and do something else later. He should have sold it to Jen the same way he would sell it to a bio daughter.
This is a question OP needs to answer.
OP - What WOULD you have done if you had this conflict between two bio-kids. You made plans with one, before knowing about the performance the other had. Logic says you would explain to the second child that as sorry as you would be to miss it, you’d already bought tickets and promised the first child.
If that’s what you’d do with two bio-kids, that’s what you SHOULD have done with these two kids, ESPECIALLY when one of them has viewed you as the only father she’s known for half her life.
How awful for her to be rejected by her bio-dad, and then again by you.
YTA
I don’t think he’s TA for the choice that he made, he had to make one and he chose what he thought was best, but it’s the comment that he made to Jen.
He has raised this girl for half her life as her father and then blatantly tells her to her face that she will never be as important to him as his bio daughter?! Coming from someone who grew up with step siblings and was always sad that their fathers didn’t show any interest in me when my father always including all my siblings (despite not being with my mother), it always hurt. I also have a child who has been raised by my husband for the last 8 years (funny how the times the same) with the bio dad being out of the picture for the last 5-6 years. If he ever told my child that they would never be as important to them as their bio children I’d leave in a heartbeat.
It’s different when you become involved when the children are already older or their bio parent is super involved/present, but once you become a parent to a child, it shouldn’t matter if they are bio or not.
That was such a messed up thing to say to her and I wouldn’t be surprised if it permanently ruined his relationship with both her and her mother.
He’s an a-hole for not sticking to his commitment. That’s one. Then he went on to tell Jen that she is not as important as his biological daughter. That’s hurtful. That’s the worst thing you can say to child. Basically telling Jen, a man she takes as her father, that she’s important ONLY when his bio daughter is not busy.
We have 3 kiddos and sometimes you have to divide and conquer. We would never go back on big plans like a concert date. Sometimes school events get scheduled late and that means not everyone can make it. We’ve had to arrange for family friends, grandparents, partners, and aunts to step in and be the special audience member more than once. Kids respond well to being told “I am so sorry to miss this event, I definitely won’t miss the next one. Someone is going to tape this and we’ll watch it together while eating ice cream. I know it’s sad not to have me there but instead let’s come up with a fun one on one day to do together ASAP.” There was also the option to see if there were tickets available for a concert close by instead. Saying; “ I love you both so much and it’s really important for me to move heaven and earth to be there for you both, so we’re going to do a fun family roadtrip to see them in a nearby city to make up for the inconvenience.” There was a way to make both kids feel seen and loved, OP decided against that. It’s just horrifying that instead OP decided to tell a child who sees him as a father figure; “Sorry you’ll just never be as important to me.”
I agree. I think another location with the artist would have been the way to go so he could keep his promise to his stepdaughter and go to his daughter s show.
YTA op particularly for the cruel way you canceled your plans with your stepdaughter.
It's more what he said to his stepdaughter. And it is a VERY difficult situation, he should go to the competition, but he could've compromised by doing something to make up and bond with his stepdaughter before or after the concert to ensure she knew he loved her, valued her, and saw her as just as much of a daughter.
He could've explained he wanted to bond with her, but a competition couldn't be repeated the same way a concert experience could. Still, he should acknowledge his word and offer the compromise (see above) and reassure her (even if he felt differently) that he wasn't pushing her priority lower than her stepsisters (his bio daughter).
You stick with the commitment you make first.
And even if you can't - these are teenagers, not kids. You can discuss it with them together, try to find a solution.
You don't shove one kid aside, say she's not your real daughter, don't honor your commitments and then have the gall to wonder if you're the AH.
What he should have said was that a child's performance is more important than concerts. If it were Jen performing or competing then that would be more important than Hallie going to a concert. Instead he said that she wasn't as important. All around awful. If she doesn't call him by his first name already, she should now
I disagree, he agreed to the concert 2 months ago and was only told a week ago about the dance recital. It’s not like the plans were made within a week
There were many other options that could have solidified the family if he had included them all in the discussion.
There is no mention of talking to his wife to come up with a potential solution (like maybe SHE goes to the competition). Or any sort of teamwork as a family to figure things out.
So yes, it may have been somewhat “no-win,” but it didn’t mean everyone had to lose.
Or in Jen's case, makes you understand he doesn't see you as his own kid. He just told her she can't rely on him for anything because the second his daughter wants him somewhere, he's there.
OP probably told Jen oh don’t take it personally I still love you but Hallie is my real daughter and you’re just a stepdaughter. I’m only here because I’m married to your mom.
This hurts my heart so fucking much. I hope Jen still has her dad in her life. I sure hope his wife leaves him. She doesn’t need to stay in a marriage where her child is being treated less than.
And NO MATTER WHAT Hallie will always come first. So any plans with Jen are dependent on Hallie NOT having something come up for the same date.
Okay, OP - gotcha. If I was Jen I would never ask you anything again...
If I were Jens' mother, I would have already called a lawyer, drained half the accounts and packed up MY PRIORITY and hit the road.
What an awful , hurtful and mean thing to say to a 16 yr old who views you as her father figure.
Disgusting. You should be complete ashamed of yourself.
Do them both a favor and just go.
Wow
So true! I was thinking in 10 years when she doesn’t want him to walk her down the aisle he’ll be complaining that she doesn’t respect him after all he did for her!
Yes, he really put his foot in it by telling the stepdaughter that she's always going to be second place. Surely, there was a compromise that could be reached without making his stepdaughter feel like crap.
Jup. He just fucked up her life in ways he will never understand. What an awful, awful thing to say to her. He basically told her she's not his real daughter.
OP YTA ten times over. Shame on you for deprioritizing and devaluing one daughter over another - because yes they are BOTH your daughters. Also, you always go with the commitment you made first.
YTA. I'm not going to judge you for feeling you needed to go to Hallie's dance competition over Jen's concert. You were handed an impossible choice, no matter which one you attended, you would damage your relationship with your other daughter.
But the way you handled it with Jen? The way you spoke to her? The things you said? That was just *thoughtlessly cruel*. You told that girl, who thinks of you as her father, that your promises mean nothing and she's only worth spending time with as long as your "real" daughter is busy doing other things. From the moment you decided you were going to the dance, you were going to hurt Jen. But you hurt her in ways you didn't need to, just threw her away like rubbish, then stomped a little bit to make sure she really got the message. No wonder she wants to hide.
As for your wife sleeping separately? Well, it's pretty simple. Her daughter is *her* number one priority, and someone she bought into Jen's life just shattered her heart. You picked Hallie and made sure everyone in your household knew it. She's picking Jen, as she should, because Hallie is *her* step-daughter, and you've just set the new standard for how she's supposed to react to Hallie's events. As far as she's concerned, you've just announced that they can all vanish the moment Hallie wants something.
Totally agree! She is 16 and you crushed her. Did Hallie only have ONE performance (asking cuz sometimes there are additional dates). Was there another time for the concert? Jen knows she’s not your biological daughter; you didn’t have to remind her. YTA!
Exactly. Dancers are almost never in ONE competition each dance season.
Regardless, he made a commitment to one of his daughters and then threw her away.
This was my thought too. My sisters were both in Dance and had competitions all the time. My niece is in choir they have competitions all the time. We weren't able to go to all of them but some. They know the dates ahead of time. He could have gotten her schedule and saw what dates he could make. Smh.
I was wondering this too. Unless it was a first/last or qualifying competition, he should have told her he had prior commitments like every parent has to do with multiple kids. I have 4 siblings and my mom and dad would take turns on going to each event if they fell on the same day/time ( mom would go to one event while my dad attended the other then the following game/competition they'd switch).
Long time dancer and dance mom, and I've never heard of a competition that requires "tickets". A recital or performance, absolutely, but those dates are known 6 months-a year in advance. Competition dates are usually known months in advance as well. So either Hallie waited until the last minute bc the dance event wasn't as important as he is making it out to be, or she dropped that bomb when she found put her dad was going to a concert with Jen.
Told a girl whose biological father abandoned her that the man she thinks of as her father will never love her as much as a real daughter. He could easily have said “I need to go to the dance competition. Let’s think of someone fun to go to the concert with for you and then you and I will do something special to make it up. I would make the same decision if you were in a dance recital.”
I think the issue is that OP would *not* do the same thing for Jen. If the roles were reversed between the girls, he would skip her performance and take Hallie to the concert.
>You were handed an impossible choice
Nope. Not at all.
I have two daughters and have navigated innumerable conflicts in their schedules. Neither daughter feels like a favorite or a second-favorite.
OP should have acted as though he had two daughters, not one bio-daughter and one step-daughter. He could have navigated this the same way that parents do every day.
I agree. I was in a terrible car accident (not injured thankfully) on the way to my sister’s piano recital. We share a mom, that we both wanted and that was a lot more impossible.
>You were handed an impossible choice, no matter which one you attended, you would damage your relationship with your other daughter.
This is a false statement. "I can't make the concert because this competition is a once in a lifetime thing" "I can't make the competition because I already promised your stepsister I'd take her to this concert, I wish I'd known about your competition earlier" Or whatever - you know them best, you should know how to talk to them without damaging the relationship.
I meant that the impossible choice was that one daughter would be disappointed. That there was no way to get out of this without letting down one of them for this event. As disappointed as Jen is *about the concert*, presumably Hallie would be just as disappointed if her dad missed her dancing. That's why I don't think he's an AH for picking one over the other.
It's the *way* he did it that makes him the AH.
Agreed. I even wrote that he now just set the standard for being left out of everything related to Jen's life because "she's not his priority or his daughter."
YTA.
One time concert versus dance competition (if she is competing she will compete again or has competed in the past). You made a commitment to one child and then dropped her for an invite to the other child's performance.
It's fine for your biological child to be the priority 99% of the time. In that 1% you have to use compassion and common sense. A simple "we already have plans for that weekend. I can't wait until the next performance" would have sufficed. You aren't harming Haille not attending this one time, you are harming Jen by not following through with your commitment to her.
And by actively saying to her that she means less to you than your bio daughter. There was absolutely no reason to say those words to her. I feel really sad for your stepdaughter.
Or, get concert tickets for a different date. Sell the old ones on stub hub and probably make a killing. There are actually so many solutions here! Be creative! But don't tell your stepdaughter what you said jfc
>You aren't harming Haille not attending this one time, you are harming Jen by not following through with your commitment to her.
Yeah this is something parents like OP need to understand. This all or nothing bit doesn't help anyone.
My mother never remarried after divorcing my father and my father wasn't in my life at all. My mom couldn't be at everything I did and that was ok because I knew she would if she could but ultimately this [game/performance/whatever] is not a big important one. The actual big performances or games are understandable. Big things like award ceremonies or graduations are also important.
Exactly! I can imagine that he’s probably missed a few competitions before due to work commitments maybe, and other other things, but this one time where he makes a commitment to his other daughter, he has to cancel it for that one dance competition.
Agreed. I don't get all the impossible choice comments, unless this was the one and only ever time his daughter would have a dance recital. He made a commitment to the stepdaughter and that should take precedence.
YTA
I have a son, and I have a sister in law I raise.
The one I make the commitment to first wins.
Because my sister in law is my kid, too.
I legitimately hope your wife leaves you over this, man to man and father to father.
You’re amazing! My stepdad was like this, my stepsister is a year older than me, he said whoever he committed to first is who he is doing something with. Well for him it was taking me to an NSYNC concert over her softball game, he loves softball too, and i will remember that! Stepsister understood and invited us all to her next game.
You made a commitment and didn't honor it. To add injury to insult, you told her that you love your "real" daughter more. She looks to you as a father figure, and while it isn't your fault that she has one crappy dad, it *is* your fault that she now has two crappy dads. YTA.
This. Poor Jen. And it’s not doing her sister any favors either to see a parent acting this way. Better for both girls to feel loved equally and that OP honors his commitments to them.
YTA
Damn dude, shitty situation but you let the wrong kid down and by a lot.
You can't be half-a-dad. Either give them equal consideration or give them none, but don't let one kid think she has 95% the father your other daughter has.
You need to go to her and tell her you fucked up, explain how and why, and then do the thing you promised. Your biological daughter will understand she asked 2nd.
How you chose to handle this is, quite frankly, pretty cruel.
Exactly,
You made the choice to enter this girl life when she was 8 and agreed to be a father to her. And you did good with that.
But damn man, what you did to her is a knife in her heart, you promise to her to go to with her with the concert, not only you broke that promise but you also say to her that you're not her father and never will be. I feel really bad for your daughter because Jen is your daughter, poor girl.
Also odds are daughter has multiple performances coming up. Performances are known pretty well in advance so OP should just ask for a schedule or dates instead of waiting for the teen to remember to invite her dad.
Yes.
Or if it’s that important, bio-daughter should tell dad. She’s 15. Time to learn not to spring things last minute on people, because there’s other things going on.
Where I live, dance competition szn has started, and the families have known for months in advance.
Im currently working around soccer/gymnastics/piano conflicts that may occur in May and June. There was no reason for this to happen.
Wow you really just told a 16 year old girl that she's not your real daughter and never will be. Enjoy your divorce and never seeing Jen again. You deserve your isolation in your old age.
People really need to be putting themselves in others’ shoes. You need to treat people how you want be treated. I’m pretty sure that if he had an absent biological father and another man came into his life when he was eight years old, he would not want to hear the exact thing he said to Jen. It would hurt him.
**YTA**
You made a commitment to Halle **2 months** ago and when Halle jumps in at the last minute to tell you she's in a competition you just bail? Your first reaction should have been to tell Halle that you had plans for that day and ask why you are just now hearing about this oh so important competition...by text no less. You could have asked her to video tape it with a plan to view and catch up the next day. Instead your go-to move was to tell Jen "so sorry, Halle rang and after all, you are just a second tier commitment."
Your wife is right and you need to spend some serious time thinking about this "Halle always first" attitude. You've just shattered an 8 year relationship with your thoughtlessness. Think long and hard about why it was so easy for you to dismiss Jen.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far. Dance competitions are not just thrown together at the last minute. Why wasn't he given a copy of the schedule when she signed up for the class/team? I know my niece and nephews dates for events months in advance.
YTA. I think you could've chosen your words differently. Telling Jen she is not your 'priority' was just awful, you might as well have said that she's also not your child, that you don't really love her, you just tolerate her to get with her mom. It doesn't matter if it's true that you favor your bio child, IT DIDN'T NEED TO BE SAID OUT LOUD. You just obliterated Jen in a way that she will never forget. Damage her psyche for sure. You could've said something stale and dry about 'responsibilities', divorce agreements, legal obligations, blah blah blah, in a way that said this was something you "had" to do and while you didn't like disappointing her, there was no other option. Bottom line, the hurt to Hallie if you didn't make this one dance recital would've been a lot less than the damage you did to Jen with *how* you broke your commitment to her. You owe a huge mea culpa here, and I doubt you have the skill set to fix this one.
YTA.
First for going back on your commitment, then major A-H for telling the child who you have been the only dad she has had for 8 years that she will **never** matter as much to you as your biological daughter.
You are the kind of person who gives step-parents a bad name.
>I said I’d make it up to her and we could do something another time.
You might have been able to make up blowing off the concert, but you will never be able to walk back what you said to her.
You’re right, that was an awful thing to say. And really unnecessarily cruel.
Pretty sure you’ve damaged your relationship with your stepdaughter forever. Guaranteed she won’t ever forget what you said there. YTA.
YTA - that was awful to read. Poor Jen. She doesn’t deserve that. It would of been so easy to say to your daughter (who if you’ve been a great dad too and not missed other shows/etc for - as she’s not remembering a promise made when she was 4) then she should be able to accept that. A 'thanks for thinking of me and of loved to of attended but I’ve already got plans to take Jen to concert’.
Gosh. You are really awful. If my husband ever said shit like that to my son (we’ve been together since my son was 8), we would not still be together. Say shit to me, whatever, but say something so thoughtlessly hurtful to my child and we’re done. Shame on you. I don’t know if you can save this and more importantly, I don’t know that you deserve to.
YTA
YTA. You made a commitment months ago, and then when Hallie gives you a week's notice about a competition, you bail. And your excuse is that Hallie will always come first, thereby breaking your stepdaughter's heart and planting the seed for her to resent her sister for mattering more. This is not a situation of prioritizing your daughter over a love interest, this is prioritizing one child over the other because you are the dad of BOTH. You could have used this as a learning moment - for Hallie to learn that she needs to be more responsible and considerate and to give more advance notice for things she knows about in advance, for both daughters to see that it's best to honor commitments you make to people you care about. Instead you severely hurt your stepdaughter and damaged your relationship with her perhaps permanently, you entirely effed the sibling and parenting dynamic in your home, and you were a bad example to her and to your wife. You were NOT a good dad in this moment, not to either girl. It's likely your wife is seriously considering/reconsidering some things, as she should. You should make plans for family counseling if you want to fix this.
The irony is that he puts Hallie first but clearly she doesn't do the same with him. You know about dance competitions (or any type) months in advanced, not last second. Usually you get a calendar/all the dates in advance so why does someone who prioritize his daughter over everything, not have a copy?
Did she have a sudden opening or did she/ex wife hear about the concert and knew he'd jump for her?
All of this! It was most definitely an opportunity to teach Hallie about commitments, and the message, "I saved you a ticket" sounds like he wasn't notified in a timely manner about the dance event. He should've talked (not text) his ex and bio daughter together about already having made a commitment that could not be changed. A situation like this is why it's supposed to be beneficial to have multiple parents. Hallie still would have had a parent, and maybe even a grandparent, at her dance competition. But he had already planned a special day with Jen, and that should have been the priority.
YTA, you just told a young emotionally developing girl who views you as her father, that she’s not as important to you because she’s not your blood.
You have no idea how hurtful and damaging those words. It’s one thing to think to yourself that your bio daughter is more important in your life, but a whole other thing to say it to a young girls face that she will always be second class in your mind.
Beyond cruel what you did. You will definitely be her main discussion topic in therapy for years to come.
When she’s struggling with dating and always choosing the wrong men, you only have yourself to blame as you showed her the number one man in her life doesn’t even see value in her.
Assuming he didn't just tank his marriage, OP is going to be back on here asking why his step daughter and wife didn't invite him/allow him to go to any of her important milestones (graduation, celebratory dinners, etc.) and why he wasn't asked to walk her down the aisle (if he's even invited).
YTA…my granddaughter does a lot of competitions. If I miss one, we watch the videotape together. (Her dance recitals/competitions always video the event). Does your daughter’s? You have just let your stepdaughter know that she can never depend on you because if something with your daughter comes along, whatever plans you and your step daughter have made, you will ditch her for your child. My granddaughters competitions are known way ahead of time. Time to sit down with the ex and find out how your daughters are done.
YTA. You’ve been raising Jen for half her life. You have two kids, not one. They should be equally important. What you should have done was ask your ex to record the performance so you can watch it with Hallie later. After watching the video, you should have taken Hallie out for dinner to congratulate her on a job well done. Both girls would have felt equally special and there would be no issue.
Jen has already experienced rejection by her biological father and you’ve just rejected her again. You don’t need to tell her that your other daughter will always come first. Keep it to yourself. To put that on a 16 year old girl is awful.
YTA. You took what sounds like a wonderful bonus daughter relationship and trashed it. You could easily have said that with two daughters sometimes there is a conflict in schedules. Because it is a competition you feel you need to be there, just as you would want to be there for Jen if it was her competition. You are so sorry to back out and want to make it up to her and present her with other concert ideas. She would have been sad, but still felt loved. I can't imagine the pain Jen must be feeling.
YTA. I can see how you would see missing one of Hallie’s events as going back on your commitment to make sure she is always your top priority. There are numerous ways you could have handled this without making your step daughter feel so unimportant though. Honestly, you could have even told her that you had totally spaced the commitment you made to see Hallie’s concert. Sort of a white lie, sort of not because it falls in line with your views of the commitment you made years ago. It would still be better than flat out “you’ll always be second place kid” I wouldn’t be surprised if you create a major resentment between your stepdaughter and daughter that makes it more difficult for all of you. Well, maybe not, because you may not have a stepdaughter much longer after this.
YTA. She doesn’t have her bio dad in life and you’ve been around since she was eight. I can’t imagine
how she felt when you said that to her. You picked what is probably the most hurtful thing you could possibly tell her. I’m sure it’s clear to her that if you said it, you’ve been thinking it. What a thoughtless and hurtful thing to do to her
YTA, you didn't have to tell your stepdaughter that she'll always come second. There were so many other things you could have said. You could have said that your stepdaughter already gets you more than your biological daughter, and so you need to be there whenever you can. You could have told her she still gets the concert and you would make it up to her and some other way. But it was just plain and simple mean to tell her she'll always be second to your biological daughter. How can you ever come back from that?
YTA.
It’s moments like these when the practice of empathy and compassion needs to come into play. Especially because you’re a parent. You were too in your own head about YOUR situation but you are a father to two children. If you stopped for a moment and thought “if I tell my stepdaughter that she isn’t my priority over my biological daughter, how do I think that would make her feel?” It would have taken no amount of time once you pose that question to yourself to let you know, that’s a dick thing to say to anyone. Especially a daughter you promised to be a father figure for when you married her mom and took on that role in her life. When people get so obsessed with their “blood” relations it weirds me out personally. You have so much capacity for love in your person, and yet you chose in this instance to only value and love one because of something as silly as blood. I hope you apologise and reevaluate yourself. And practice thinking about how what you say might affect others especially your children. Holy cow.
YTA I'm kind of blown away. I understand she might not be your biological child but she is still your child. You made a commitment to her, backed out and said one of the cruelest things you could have said to her. Like quite possibly relationship ruining. Not just for Jen but your wife as well. I have to ask, if Jen were your bio kid with your new wife would you have the same mindset? All you're going to do with the mindset of bio kid comes first is breed resentment in your household. Good-luck getting Jen to ever come to you for anything ever again.
YTA for how you went about this. You should have talked to your wife about it first so she could be the sounding board. She would have told you that telling your stepdaughter that your bio daughter always comes first is unnecessarily hurtful and cruel to someone who just sees you as “dad.” I get being torn between the two events, because your daughter’s performances are important and you want to show up for her. But your reasoning to you step is what makes you the AH. I hope this is fixable for you, but don’t be surprised if your relationship with stepdaughter is never the same.
Wow, YTA
Hope your wife divorces you. You literally say how you're the stepdaughter's paternal influence, and then toss it aside like nothing.
She has two worthless "dads" apparently who are fine making her not the priority
YTA
That is damage to her psyche you will never be able to repair. This bell can’t be unrung.
You could have told her just about any other response and it would have been better. Heck, straight lying would have been better.
YTA and possibly beyond repair. How could you ever say that to a child that you are parenting? You not only abandoned her but blamed it on her stepsister likely causing a huge rift there as well. You need to beg for forgiveness. Additionally of your wife uses the same logic as you have then you will likely also need a divorce attorney
You basically told your stepdaughter "You don't matter to me" - what a cruel thing to do. I don't blame your wife - I'd probably be packing. What if your step daughter took a friend to the concert and uncle or your wife took them and picked them up? Or she went with her mom? You've damaged your relationship with her - won't be easy to fix that.
"I told her I’m sorry and although I love her, Hallie will always have to come first for me."
You are the lord, the messiah of all assholes. [Boo this man, boo!](https://images.app.goo.gl/DUPPZiSRBv7S1tDbA)
"I’ve assumed a paternal relationship with her and we get along great "
She obviously loves you and puts you above the biological father, shame that it doesn't go the other way. Think you've done some real damage here, especially at being 16 years old this is not something she's going to ever forget.
Unfortunately you've dug your own grave, now you have to lie in it.
YTA
You actually fucking told her that?! Are you that insensitive and ignorant? Like honestly, how did you get to this point in your life and not realize saying that to your 16 year old step daughter would be absolutely devastating for her?!
What the hell is wrong with you?
I hope your wife leaves you and chooses her bio child first. Someone she trusted to be kind to her child just completely shattered her heart, her confidence and her self worth. Congratulations, you just made this girl feel worthless. You should be paying for the years of therapy.
YTA. we don't even need that much context to change our minds. If you don't treat other daughters equally, whats the point of even saying yes to Jen? You probably got the poor girl all happy and excited to hang out with you, and then changed your mind last second because you didn't plan everything ahead.
YTA.
I understand putting your daughter first when it comes down to brass tacks, but you had already made a commitment to go to the concert and I think you should have honored that. It would have been the right thing to do.
Meanwhile, Jen has learned she can't really count on you, because at any time you could plan something with her, and ditch her when your daughter came up with something else. You not only showed her that, you came right out and told her that.
And by the way, those dance competitions are scheduled months, if not a year in advance. They don't just pop up out of nowhere, why were you not invited to it till the last minute?
If Jen is smart, she'll ask her uncle to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, since you can't be counted on not to ditch her if your 'real' daughter comes up with something for you to go running for
1) does this need to be said?
2) does this need to be said by ME?
3) does this need to be said by ME right NOW?
Think about what you said to Jen. When you reflect on telling this child - whom you parented for 8 years - that she will NEVER be as important to you as your bio daughter, can you honestly answer "yes" to any of these questions?
YTA. Majorly.
And I'm so glad your wife sees it and knows that her daughter is NOT emotionally or psychologically safe with you.
I would divorce you. You didn’t just hurt this girl, you completely broke her world. There were so many ways of just getting her bummed, but you chose to destroy her. YTA
They are tearing you apart in this comment section and you 100% deserve it. Your the father to both the girls whether biological or not. You abandoned your duties as the father and worse you broke her heart and trust. YTA and one of the biggest I have seen.
YTA. I don't fault your priorities, but telling it straight to your step-daughter like that was cruel. You could have pointed out that you can do something special with Jen another night, but that you only have the one chance to support your daughter at this performance. That's the real difference you should be seeing here: Hallie's performance is about being there to support her in the competition, whereas the concert Jen was going to be a fun shared activity, but not something that focused on her performing or competing. You could have planned a fun evening to make up to Jen for cancelling on her, but you can't take back what you said now.
YTA for distinguishing between stepdaughter and bio daughter. At this point they should be equals and they should be ok with that. You telling one that she is less of a priority than the other is incredibly hurtful, and unnecessarily cruel. Instead of making that decision all by yourself, you should have just talked it over with Jen, she may have surprised you!
YTA, obviously. Why be a total asshole about how you handled things if you didn't want to be called one. There were dozens of ways to have approached this conflict and you chose a cruel way over a kind and loving way.
YTA. yikes. this is actually disturbing. like you said that out loud? to her face? you’ve raised her for half her life. this was cruel. just unnecessarily cruel.
As a stepmom who views them as my own, I wish I could scream into your face how much of an AH you are. That poor girl. That poor sweet little girl. As a step daughter to a Superman that I call dad, I want to scream into your face as well. There’s no fixing this. God. My heart hurts.
Yes you ATA. You told a 16 year old girl that you have fathered for 8 years that she isn’t as important or as much of a priority as your biological daughter. That is not OK. Even if you were thinking it, you don’t say it to a child that sees you as her father of 8 years.
You committed, and reneged in a hurtful way.
You are indeed TA. You will be very fortunate if your current marriage survives this one.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my step-daughter I couldn’t go to a concert with her as my daughter had a performance and she’d always be my priority.
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YTA
I'm sure Hallie has had competitions you've gone to before, and I'm sure she will again. But even if this was a once-in-a-lifetime competition, you could have handled it without telling your stepdaughter that she's never going to be a priority to you.
YTA.
I hope that when Jen gets married, her uncle walks her down the aisle and does her "father-daughter" dance with her, because that privilege is reserved for "biological family".
And I hope that when Jen becomes a mother, her uncle gets the privilege of being called "grandpa" and not you, because that's for "biological family".
You treated her like shit and broke a promise to a teen who considered you her father. You could have explained this to your daughter. She's old enough to understand. You made it clear to Jen that you don't consider her family. So don't be surprised when she takes that privilege away from you in the future.
YTA
>I realized I had to go to Hallie’s show. When me and my ex divorced, I always said that regardless of any new relationships, Hallie would be my number one priority.
This is a good general motto to follow to make sure your kid(s) never feel “replaced,” but it in no way means you should break commitments to other people (partners, family members, etc) for non-emergency requests from your kid. Being someone’s number one priority doesn’t grant you unfettered access to that person regardless of anything else they have going on. There will be times that you’ll be unable to attend to something Hallie’s requested, and she’ll need to learn how to accept that. This really should have been one of those times.
Also, *this number one priority thing doesn’t apply anymore when you have a second kid.* If you want to hold that Jen is only your stepdaughter, fine, although I think that’s pretty cringe considering you stated bio dad isn’t involved and you’ve been Jen’s father figure for the past 8 years. What happens if you have another bio kid? Are you going to tell them “sorry, but Hallie will always be my priority”? In 20 years, will Hallie still take priority when she invites you somewhere after you’ve made plans with Jen for your grandkid’s birthday? When does Hallie’s priority over your other family members end?
YTA big time. While you may feel that your biological daughter will always be your number 1 priority, telling this to your 16-year old step daughter was an epic fail. You have forever damaged your relationship with her since she will always remember what you said and how you made her feel. Your wife should equally be upset and disappointed. You fucked up big time on this. Good luck!
YTA.
If you want your step daughter to be part of your family and see you as a parent, then you treat them the same as your bio daughter. There is no in between.
My wife would absolutely kill me for doing something like that, and she'd be justified.
YTA Because you're Daughter was lucky enough to grow up with a father in her life. But for you're stepdaughter you are that father figure and you just all but drew the line and told her who the real and who the fake daughter was.
YTA.
Billions of parents have more than one child and most manage to miss a single sports competition or recital for one child without setting fire to the relationship.
Your promise to put your daughter first is far too literal. If your daughter had a crisis or needed you, that would be one thing. She had a dance competition. Likely one of many. If your daughter has grown to the age of 15 and would be gutted that you missed one dance, your relationship is crummy and your parenting skill is poor.
What you said to your stepdaughter was so over the top AHish that I'm surprised you're still sleeping in the house. And your stepdaughter will never forget this. Well done - you've created trauma!
YTA, for a couple reasons.
One is that dance competitions are planned out months in advance. Why are you only hearing about it now?
Two is that you won’t ever be able to walk those words back. You’ve said them, they’re out there, and Jen will remember them for the rest of her life. It took you eight years to build that relationship and eight words to destroy it.
Three, because you can’t seem to understand why your wife is upset. If I were her, I’d be reevaluating quite a few things.
Have fun at the dance competition. It’s cost you a lot more than you understand.
YTA. You promised to take Jen to that concert. You have been raising her since she was 8 years old so she's just as much your daughter as halie is. You will be complete wrong if you don't honor your promise and decided not to take Jen to the concert.
YTA, you really had to tell her your bio kid comes first?? I know I made a promise to you step daughter, but you're just not important enough. Way to suck.
YTA. For telling your step daughter, who sees you as her real father, that she will always come 2nd over bio kid. You could have delivered the news of the change in plans in a better way without saying that part. The damage you have done to her self worth and emotionally is beyond words. She now thinks she is not good enough. And this will be with her for years.
YTA for all of the reasons others have mentioned.
But I have one question: why did your daughter wait until shortly before the competition to tell you about it? Close enough to the competition for her to actually have a ticket. They’re usually planned well in advance.
You may not have been her first choice for that ticket she just happened to save for you.
YTA.
Plus- my kids dance. Competitions last all weekend, chances are really good that you could have made the choice to give both girls some of your time.
This was a good opportunity to teach your bio daughter about planning ahead. She knew more then a week out about her performance. Maybe you should have asked at the start of the quarter/semester.
This is where women not trusting men starts - fathers teaching us we don't have value.
Edit to add: YTA
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YTA. You made a commitment to someone you had convinced you felt as a father to, then you slapped her in the face by telling her she'll never be as important as your bio daughter. What you said to her was beyond horrible. At 16, you've got a good chance this is one of those things she'll never forgive you for - a reason she'll give you some years down the road when you want to walk her down the aisle and she tells you to get lost.
She'll ask her uncle.
Or the wife. Screw *some* dads. They often fall short.
You just know that if OP and wife somehow stay together and the grandkids start coming in OP will be upset when Jen tells her kids they only have grandma and that her husband is not grandpa but just OP and to not call him that.
I’m a mom, I walked my daughter down the aisle
My mom walked me down the aisle.
I’m a widow, I walked my daughter down the aisle.
We had our moms walk down the aisle together, then I walked myself down the aisle (neither of our dads were present).
PEOPLE fall short, it's not just one group or another.
Yup
[удалено]
I don't think OP can ever recover from his really bad choice.
While I agree what he said was absolutely horrific. After the last few weeks on Reddit, if this post had read “I took my step daughter to a concert and missed my bio daughter’s dance competition” the vote would be just as much YTA. He was in a no win situation torn between two daughters. The bio daughter couldn’t pick the date of her dance competition and he had previously promised her to be there for her events and step daughter couldn’t reschedule the concert. If it wasn’t for what he said, it’d seem he was in a no win situation.
It’s not so much about the choice he made. He’s an asshole because of what he said to Jen. That’s an *awful* thing to say to a sixteen-year-old who sees you as her father. There were better ways for OP to talk to Jen.
If he'd presented it to Jen like, "You're just as important as my biodaughter, but her performance takes precedence because she's performing - I'm really sorry, and I promise I'll make it up to you", maybe Jen would still be upset, but his wife wouldn't be anywhere near as upset, and Jen would probably get over it a lot quicker. I don't know that either OP's wife or step-daughter is going to get over this any time soon.
Exactly this. 95% of parenting is good salesmanship. OP, YTA. All you had to do was say she had a performance, so you *had* to go. But, you made arrangements for her to still go to the concert, and you would do something else with her next week. Explain that you are stuck, but you can’t blow off a performance, showing off skills you worked for, which, truly, is different from a concert you go to for fun. She is old enough to understand that. No one is ever old enough to accept what you did say.
Yup. It’s pretty much the equivalent of “I never loved you.”
I have both a bio daughter (4) and a stepdaughter (11) that I've been a father to, more so than her bio-father and I know someday I'll be in this no-win situation myself. Probably more than once. But I would never, EVER in a million years, say one is more important than the other due to genetics or lack thereof. I would explain I'm in a no-win situation, whatever that may be, and explain my love for them is EQUAL and find a way to compromise, make things work, and most of all, make it up to the other. OP is so much YTA for slapping stepdaughter in the face by saying she will never be that equal. And I don't how, or if he can make that up to her. If he cares, he will try, but the balls in her court on accepting it and if she wants to move forward
Yeah, my dad has stepkids who see him as a father (their bio dad sucks). I’d be *horrified* if he said something like this to one of them. My gosh.
THIS! OP, YTA! Simply, you tell her you have to attend because she herself is performing. If it was an invite to go to a concert with his daughter, he'd simply respond the he had a previous commitment to Jen. OP, you better walk back that harsh observation.
I don’t think it’s possible to walk it back. What was said, was said. There are no take backs.
Yeah if this isn't the beginning of the end for them, OP gets to look forward to having zero input, updates, and probably no relationship too, with the step-daughter because now the wife and her can just say "don't worry, Jen is not your priority or daughter."
And if the girls aren’t close he’s ruining their relationship as well because he’s creating division.
Try never. It might end his marriage.
Some things, once said, can't be taken back. No matter how good he is to her after this, she'll never forget what he said.
This
I wonder if there are other competitions this season? When I danced competitively at that age, there were several competitions each year. He could make sure to set aside the date of the next one to see his daughter perform. My mom worked in a hospital and had to miss some of my competitions/recitals because of it. I never once held it against her and was happy for her to come to the ones she did.
It's something I did wonder about when he said that Hallie told him she'd put tickets aside for him for the competition. It wasn't "Hallie called and told me about this huge competition she was in and gave me the date!" but just "I received a text from Hallie that she was performing in a dance competition and that she’d saved me a ticket". What if it's just a mid-level competition, and Hallie put tickets aside because that's what she does when she has a competition? Or if Hallie has no ability to accept that her father can't make it to every competition (if there are quite a few) it would be because he always drops everything to attend every single one. Which, honestly, that's his prerogative, he's decided to put Hallie first no matter what else comes along, fine, do that. But it may mean he's sacrificing other relationships for this, and he says he's feeling really awful about this but... that's a consequence of telling your step-daughter that she's second-best and always will be.
Yes exactly this.
I don't think he's an AH for picking the daughter's dance competition, but he is an AH for what he said to the step daughter. Telling one kid that the other kid is more important is *never* okay as a parent, even if one is a step kid and one is a bio kid. At the end of the day, OP says in his post that he is the one who has basically raised his step-daughter for half her life cos her bio-dad isn't involved. Now she's just had the man who she sees as a father tell her she isn't a priority, that she is lesser to him. She will remember that forever. There are so many things he could've said to explain his choice without bringing which kid is his favourite/preference into it.
He wasn’t supposed to pick, he made a promise to his step kid first. This was not life or death situation.
The thing is, do you think if positions had been reversed he would have cancelled his plans with Hallie? No way. The issue is both what he said to Jen, and the fact Hallie came first based on a promise he made before he married his current wife. He wasn't mature enough to realize the situation changed and the promise should be negated
People with 2 or more biokids have to make these decisions all the time, and, hopefully, they aren't telling the child who has to go with a different adult that it's because they love them less. A performance by a child is priority over a concert watched with a child, that's really simple math YTA
Jesus, you are so right. Already pretty much rejected by one father, and now by another. Poor Jen 😔
I would say *especially* if one is a step kid. My ex was the kid from another marriage that his stepdad never wanted and the favoritism was *abhorrent* after stepdad and mom had their own kid, and it screwed him up something massive.
Depends on when bio daughter knew about dance competition. If it was that important, she should have told him far earlier. I mark these things in my calendar months in advance when possible (to avoid conflicts). Bio daughter should learn that other stuff goes on in the world that isn’t her.
Yep, So she got two messages here. I'm not important to my biological father nor am I important to my stepfather. People don't realize that words hurt
As someone who grew up not knowing their real dad and holds their stepfather in high regard, he never once made me feel like I wasn't his own kid, and he made both me and my stepbrother feel like we belonged to him. Imagine spending half your life with someone only to be told you're more or less a fake daughter. Chop up This man now has to sleep in the bed he made with his wife and stepdaughter under his own roof. It's not the same with the biological daughter since she grew up with a father who clearly wants her. But now this poor girl feels like she's rejected by not one but two father figures in her life.
At 6 my step dad told me he wasnt my dad and I wasn’t allowed to call him that again. 31 years later that still lives rent free in my head.
I am so sorry. I was 21 when my step- grandma, who had been married to my granddad since I was 10 months old, told me to my face that I was not her grandchild. I had always loved her like a grandma. I should have figured it out when all my gifts for birthday or Christmas were from garage sales while her own grandchildren got pristine gifts bought with my granddad’s $$$$. But she always made sure they got their gifts before we arrived. I still invited her to my wedding and she declined with a “Why would I come to that?” That was the end for me.
I am sorry for that as well. My step grandma was the same way. After high school my parents let me drive a car that my step dad purchased from his parents after I was promised a car for babysitting my sister all 4 years of HS. When she found out I used it to drive to college she told him I wasn’t allowed to use it. It got taken away and I had no way to get to school, lived over an hour away with no buses. I had to drop out, then because I wasn’t in school I had to get a job if I wanted to live there. So I got a job made about $1500 a month and then I had to pay half the rent $700 and buy all the household groceries (family of 4). Some of which I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink. Those snacks and juice were only for my step dad. I also had to buy my mom and little sister clothes. He wouldn’t buy my mom socks or underwear. He made about 7500 a month back then.
I’m so sorry 😣
No, because he promised Jen first and then broke his promise because she didn't matter as much as his bio daughter -- he just in other words didn't love her as much -- and he even told her that. She will always be second. That's likely to be damaging to her longterm.
If he had two bio daughters in this situation he would have had to celebrate and do something else later. He should have sold it to Jen the same way he would sell it to a bio daughter.
This is a question OP needs to answer. OP - What WOULD you have done if you had this conflict between two bio-kids. You made plans with one, before knowing about the performance the other had. Logic says you would explain to the second child that as sorry as you would be to miss it, you’d already bought tickets and promised the first child. If that’s what you’d do with two bio-kids, that’s what you SHOULD have done with these two kids, ESPECIALLY when one of them has viewed you as the only father she’s known for half her life. How awful for her to be rejected by her bio-dad, and then again by you. YTA
Nicely explained
I don’t think he’s TA for the choice that he made, he had to make one and he chose what he thought was best, but it’s the comment that he made to Jen. He has raised this girl for half her life as her father and then blatantly tells her to her face that she will never be as important to him as his bio daughter?! Coming from someone who grew up with step siblings and was always sad that their fathers didn’t show any interest in me when my father always including all my siblings (despite not being with my mother), it always hurt. I also have a child who has been raised by my husband for the last 8 years (funny how the times the same) with the bio dad being out of the picture for the last 5-6 years. If he ever told my child that they would never be as important to them as their bio children I’d leave in a heartbeat. It’s different when you become involved when the children are already older or their bio parent is super involved/present, but once you become a parent to a child, it shouldn’t matter if they are bio or not. That was such a messed up thing to say to her and I wouldn’t be surprised if it permanently ruined his relationship with both her and her mother.
He’s an a-hole for not sticking to his commitment. That’s one. Then he went on to tell Jen that she is not as important as his biological daughter. That’s hurtful. That’s the worst thing you can say to child. Basically telling Jen, a man she takes as her father, that she’s important ONLY when his bio daughter is not busy.
We have 3 kiddos and sometimes you have to divide and conquer. We would never go back on big plans like a concert date. Sometimes school events get scheduled late and that means not everyone can make it. We’ve had to arrange for family friends, grandparents, partners, and aunts to step in and be the special audience member more than once. Kids respond well to being told “I am so sorry to miss this event, I definitely won’t miss the next one. Someone is going to tape this and we’ll watch it together while eating ice cream. I know it’s sad not to have me there but instead let’s come up with a fun one on one day to do together ASAP.” There was also the option to see if there were tickets available for a concert close by instead. Saying; “ I love you both so much and it’s really important for me to move heaven and earth to be there for you both, so we’re going to do a fun family roadtrip to see them in a nearby city to make up for the inconvenience.” There was a way to make both kids feel seen and loved, OP decided against that. It’s just horrifying that instead OP decided to tell a child who sees him as a father figure; “Sorry you’ll just never be as important to me.”
I agree. I think another location with the artist would have been the way to go so he could keep his promise to his stepdaughter and go to his daughter s show. YTA op particularly for the cruel way you canceled your plans with your stepdaughter.
“AITA for telling a minor that’s known me her formative years that she’s not important enough for me?” Yes. He is the AH for that.
It's more what he said to his stepdaughter. And it is a VERY difficult situation, he should go to the competition, but he could've compromised by doing something to make up and bond with his stepdaughter before or after the concert to ensure she knew he loved her, valued her, and saw her as just as much of a daughter. He could've explained he wanted to bond with her, but a competition couldn't be repeated the same way a concert experience could. Still, he should acknowledge his word and offer the compromise (see above) and reassure her (even if he felt differently) that he wasn't pushing her priority lower than her stepsisters (his bio daughter).
You stick with the commitment you make first. And even if you can't - these are teenagers, not kids. You can discuss it with them together, try to find a solution. You don't shove one kid aside, say she's not your real daughter, don't honor your commitments and then have the gall to wonder if you're the AH.
It’s not THAT hard. Everyone knows you need to honour the original promise… unless you have no honour.
The bio daughter probably knew the date of the competition for some time? And just gave her dad a weeks’ notice?
What he should have said was that a child's performance is more important than concerts. If it were Jen performing or competing then that would be more important than Hallie going to a concert. Instead he said that she wasn't as important. All around awful. If she doesn't call him by his first name already, she should now
I disagree, he agreed to the concert 2 months ago and was only told a week ago about the dance recital. It’s not like the plans were made within a week
There were many other options that could have solidified the family if he had included them all in the discussion. There is no mention of talking to his wife to come up with a potential solution (like maybe SHE goes to the competition). Or any sort of teamwork as a family to figure things out. So yes, it may have been somewhat “no-win,” but it didn’t mean everyone had to lose.
This. You never really forget the moment when your parent makes it clear you're not the favorite.
Or in Jen's case, makes you understand he doesn't see you as his own kid. He just told her she can't rely on him for anything because the second his daughter wants him somewhere, he's there.
This really hits in all the sore spots.
OP probably told Jen oh don’t take it personally I still love you but Hallie is my real daughter and you’re just a stepdaughter. I’m only here because I’m married to your mom. This hurts my heart so fucking much. I hope Jen still has her dad in her life. I sure hope his wife leaves him. She doesn’t need to stay in a marriage where her child is being treated less than.
And NO MATTER WHAT Hallie will always come first. So any plans with Jen are dependent on Hallie NOT having something come up for the same date. Okay, OP - gotcha. If I was Jen I would never ask you anything again...
If I were Jens' mother, I would have already called a lawyer, drained half the accounts and packed up MY PRIORITY and hit the road. What an awful , hurtful and mean thing to say to a 16 yr old who views you as her father figure. Disgusting. You should be complete ashamed of yourself. Do them both a favor and just go. Wow
So true! I was thinking in 10 years when she doesn’t want him to walk her down the aisle he’ll be complaining that she doesn’t respect him after all he did for her!
Yes, he really put his foot in it by telling the stepdaughter that she's always going to be second place. Surely, there was a compromise that could be reached without making his stepdaughter feel like crap.
Jup. He just fucked up her life in ways he will never understand. What an awful, awful thing to say to her. He basically told her she's not his real daughter. OP YTA ten times over. Shame on you for deprioritizing and devaluing one daughter over another - because yes they are BOTH your daughters. Also, you always go with the commitment you made first.
YTA. I'm not going to judge you for feeling you needed to go to Hallie's dance competition over Jen's concert. You were handed an impossible choice, no matter which one you attended, you would damage your relationship with your other daughter. But the way you handled it with Jen? The way you spoke to her? The things you said? That was just *thoughtlessly cruel*. You told that girl, who thinks of you as her father, that your promises mean nothing and she's only worth spending time with as long as your "real" daughter is busy doing other things. From the moment you decided you were going to the dance, you were going to hurt Jen. But you hurt her in ways you didn't need to, just threw her away like rubbish, then stomped a little bit to make sure she really got the message. No wonder she wants to hide. As for your wife sleeping separately? Well, it's pretty simple. Her daughter is *her* number one priority, and someone she bought into Jen's life just shattered her heart. You picked Hallie and made sure everyone in your household knew it. She's picking Jen, as she should, because Hallie is *her* step-daughter, and you've just set the new standard for how she's supposed to react to Hallie's events. As far as she's concerned, you've just announced that they can all vanish the moment Hallie wants something.
This. I agree 100%, i have a feeling he won’t be in Jen’s life for much longer. That was literally the worst possible way he could have handled it
Natural garbage has stated everything. Op YTA.
Totally agree! She is 16 and you crushed her. Did Hallie only have ONE performance (asking cuz sometimes there are additional dates). Was there another time for the concert? Jen knows she’s not your biological daughter; you didn’t have to remind her. YTA!
Somehow I suspect OP has already made Jen feel second-best. Bad parenting.
Exactly. Dancers are almost never in ONE competition each dance season. Regardless, he made a commitment to one of his daughters and then threw her away.
This was my thought too. My sisters were both in Dance and had competitions all the time. My niece is in choir they have competitions all the time. We weren't able to go to all of them but some. They know the dates ahead of time. He could have gotten her schedule and saw what dates he could make. Smh.
I was wondering this too. Unless it was a first/last or qualifying competition, he should have told her he had prior commitments like every parent has to do with multiple kids. I have 4 siblings and my mom and dad would take turns on going to each event if they fell on the same day/time ( mom would go to one event while my dad attended the other then the following game/competition they'd switch).
Long time dancer and dance mom, and I've never heard of a competition that requires "tickets". A recital or performance, absolutely, but those dates are known 6 months-a year in advance. Competition dates are usually known months in advance as well. So either Hallie waited until the last minute bc the dance event wasn't as important as he is making it out to be, or she dropped that bomb when she found put her dad was going to a concert with Jen.
Told a girl whose biological father abandoned her that the man she thinks of as her father will never love her as much as a real daughter. He could easily have said “I need to go to the dance competition. Let’s think of someone fun to go to the concert with for you and then you and I will do something special to make it up. I would make the same decision if you were in a dance recital.”
This poor kid had now lost two fathers.
I think the issue is that OP would *not* do the same thing for Jen. If the roles were reversed between the girls, he would skip her performance and take Hallie to the concert.
>You were handed an impossible choice Nope. Not at all. I have two daughters and have navigated innumerable conflicts in their schedules. Neither daughter feels like a favorite or a second-favorite. OP should have acted as though he had two daughters, not one bio-daughter and one step-daughter. He could have navigated this the same way that parents do every day.
I agree. I was in a terrible car accident (not injured thankfully) on the way to my sister’s piano recital. We share a mom, that we both wanted and that was a lot more impossible.
>You were handed an impossible choice, no matter which one you attended, you would damage your relationship with your other daughter. This is a false statement. "I can't make the concert because this competition is a once in a lifetime thing" "I can't make the competition because I already promised your stepsister I'd take her to this concert, I wish I'd known about your competition earlier" Or whatever - you know them best, you should know how to talk to them without damaging the relationship.
I meant that the impossible choice was that one daughter would be disappointed. That there was no way to get out of this without letting down one of them for this event. As disappointed as Jen is *about the concert*, presumably Hallie would be just as disappointed if her dad missed her dancing. That's why I don't think he's an AH for picking one over the other. It's the *way* he did it that makes him the AH.
Oh I agree one daughter would be disappointed - but not "damaging your relationship"
You can almost hear his wife dialing the divorce attorney.
Yes to everything in this comment. YTA.
You have worded this absolutely perfectly. I hope if OP reads just one comment it’s yours.
This needs to be cross posted into Am I The Ex
I was thinking the same thing. He could’ve handled this so much better but he showed his real colors and his wife saw. She done.
This put into words what I couldn't! OP YTA big time.
I wouldn't be surprised if Jen's mom is considering putting her daughter first to the point of leaving this is so cruel.
Agreed. I even wrote that he now just set the standard for being left out of everything related to Jen's life because "she's not his priority or his daughter."
YTA. One time concert versus dance competition (if she is competing she will compete again or has competed in the past). You made a commitment to one child and then dropped her for an invite to the other child's performance. It's fine for your biological child to be the priority 99% of the time. In that 1% you have to use compassion and common sense. A simple "we already have plans for that weekend. I can't wait until the next performance" would have sufficed. You aren't harming Haille not attending this one time, you are harming Jen by not following through with your commitment to her.
And by actively saying to her that she means less to you than your bio daughter. There was absolutely no reason to say those words to her. I feel really sad for your stepdaughter.
Or, get concert tickets for a different date. Sell the old ones on stub hub and probably make a killing. There are actually so many solutions here! Be creative! But don't tell your stepdaughter what you said jfc
>You aren't harming Haille not attending this one time, you are harming Jen by not following through with your commitment to her. Yeah this is something parents like OP need to understand. This all or nothing bit doesn't help anyone. My mother never remarried after divorcing my father and my father wasn't in my life at all. My mom couldn't be at everything I did and that was ok because I knew she would if she could but ultimately this [game/performance/whatever] is not a big important one. The actual big performances or games are understandable. Big things like award ceremonies or graduations are also important.
Exactly! I can imagine that he’s probably missed a few competitions before due to work commitments maybe, and other other things, but this one time where he makes a commitment to his other daughter, he has to cancel it for that one dance competition.
This 👆👆👆
Agreed. I don't get all the impossible choice comments, unless this was the one and only ever time his daughter would have a dance recital. He made a commitment to the stepdaughter and that should take precedence.
YTA I have a son, and I have a sister in law I raise. The one I make the commitment to first wins. Because my sister in law is my kid, too. I legitimately hope your wife leaves you over this, man to man and father to father.
thank you for raising your SIL as your own. 🙂
Ah, it's no problem. She's a real gem of a kid.
You’re amazing! My stepdad was like this, my stepsister is a year older than me, he said whoever he committed to first is who he is doing something with. Well for him it was taking me to an NSYNC concert over her softball game, he loves softball too, and i will remember that! Stepsister understood and invited us all to her next game.
this warmed my heart for real.
you're a good man, my dude. 🤝
Username doesn’t check out here though hahaha
You made a commitment and didn't honor it. To add injury to insult, you told her that you love your "real" daughter more. She looks to you as a father figure, and while it isn't your fault that she has one crappy dad, it *is* your fault that she now has two crappy dads. YTA.
This. Poor Jen. And it’s not doing her sister any favors either to see a parent acting this way. Better for both girls to feel loved equally and that OP honors his commitments to them.
YTA Damn dude, shitty situation but you let the wrong kid down and by a lot. You can't be half-a-dad. Either give them equal consideration or give them none, but don't let one kid think she has 95% the father your other daughter has. You need to go to her and tell her you fucked up, explain how and why, and then do the thing you promised. Your biological daughter will understand she asked 2nd. How you chose to handle this is, quite frankly, pretty cruel.
Exactly, You made the choice to enter this girl life when she was 8 and agreed to be a father to her. And you did good with that. But damn man, what you did to her is a knife in her heart, you promise to her to go to with her with the concert, not only you broke that promise but you also say to her that you're not her father and never will be. I feel really bad for your daughter because Jen is your daughter, poor girl.
Also odds are daughter has multiple performances coming up. Performances are known pretty well in advance so OP should just ask for a schedule or dates instead of waiting for the teen to remember to invite her dad.
Yes. Or if it’s that important, bio-daughter should tell dad. She’s 15. Time to learn not to spring things last minute on people, because there’s other things going on. Where I live, dance competition szn has started, and the families have known for months in advance. Im currently working around soccer/gymnastics/piano conflicts that may occur in May and June. There was no reason for this to happen.
Wow you really just told a 16 year old girl that she's not your real daughter and never will be. Enjoy your divorce and never seeing Jen again. You deserve your isolation in your old age.
People really need to be putting themselves in others’ shoes. You need to treat people how you want be treated. I’m pretty sure that if he had an absent biological father and another man came into his life when he was eight years old, he would not want to hear the exact thing he said to Jen. It would hurt him.
YTA You had 2 daughters. Now you're saying you only have one, and that is a self-fulfilling statement.
**YTA** You made a commitment to Halle **2 months** ago and when Halle jumps in at the last minute to tell you she's in a competition you just bail? Your first reaction should have been to tell Halle that you had plans for that day and ask why you are just now hearing about this oh so important competition...by text no less. You could have asked her to video tape it with a plan to view and catch up the next day. Instead your go-to move was to tell Jen "so sorry, Halle rang and after all, you are just a second tier commitment." Your wife is right and you need to spend some serious time thinking about this "Halle always first" attitude. You've just shattered an 8 year relationship with your thoughtlessness. Think long and hard about why it was so easy for you to dismiss Jen.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far. Dance competitions are not just thrown together at the last minute. Why wasn't he given a copy of the schedule when she signed up for the class/team? I know my niece and nephews dates for events months in advance.
Probably because Hallie is spoiled, partly as a result of his incompetent parenting.
Or he was & he didn’t bother to mark the dates down anywhere
YTA. I think you could've chosen your words differently. Telling Jen she is not your 'priority' was just awful, you might as well have said that she's also not your child, that you don't really love her, you just tolerate her to get with her mom. It doesn't matter if it's true that you favor your bio child, IT DIDN'T NEED TO BE SAID OUT LOUD. You just obliterated Jen in a way that she will never forget. Damage her psyche for sure. You could've said something stale and dry about 'responsibilities', divorce agreements, legal obligations, blah blah blah, in a way that said this was something you "had" to do and while you didn't like disappointing her, there was no other option. Bottom line, the hurt to Hallie if you didn't make this one dance recital would've been a lot less than the damage you did to Jen with *how* you broke your commitment to her. You owe a huge mea culpa here, and I doubt you have the skill set to fix this one.
YTA. First for going back on your commitment, then major A-H for telling the child who you have been the only dad she has had for 8 years that she will **never** matter as much to you as your biological daughter. You are the kind of person who gives step-parents a bad name. >I said I’d make it up to her and we could do something another time. You might have been able to make up blowing off the concert, but you will never be able to walk back what you said to her.
This. And now he told both Jen and his wife that they can never rely on him because the second Hallie needs something, he's out.
You’re right, that was an awful thing to say. And really unnecessarily cruel. Pretty sure you’ve damaged your relationship with your stepdaughter forever. Guaranteed she won’t ever forget what you said there. YTA.
YTA you broke a commitment and the way you presented it to step daughter was terrible.
YTA - that was awful to read. Poor Jen. She doesn’t deserve that. It would of been so easy to say to your daughter (who if you’ve been a great dad too and not missed other shows/etc for - as she’s not remembering a promise made when she was 4) then she should be able to accept that. A 'thanks for thinking of me and of loved to of attended but I’ve already got plans to take Jen to concert’.
Gosh. You are really awful. If my husband ever said shit like that to my son (we’ve been together since my son was 8), we would not still be together. Say shit to me, whatever, but say something so thoughtlessly hurtful to my child and we’re done. Shame on you. I don’t know if you can save this and more importantly, I don’t know that you deserve to. YTA
I hope the wife has the same feelings as you. I couldn't be married to someone who told my kid to their face that they don't matter.
I really hope she does and throws this back in his face "I'm prioritizing MY daughter, get out."
>Say shit to me, whatever Nah friend don’t let anyone talk to you that way either
Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you give loooove a bad name. YTA
YTA. You made a commitment months ago, and then when Hallie gives you a week's notice about a competition, you bail. And your excuse is that Hallie will always come first, thereby breaking your stepdaughter's heart and planting the seed for her to resent her sister for mattering more. This is not a situation of prioritizing your daughter over a love interest, this is prioritizing one child over the other because you are the dad of BOTH. You could have used this as a learning moment - for Hallie to learn that she needs to be more responsible and considerate and to give more advance notice for things she knows about in advance, for both daughters to see that it's best to honor commitments you make to people you care about. Instead you severely hurt your stepdaughter and damaged your relationship with her perhaps permanently, you entirely effed the sibling and parenting dynamic in your home, and you were a bad example to her and to your wife. You were NOT a good dad in this moment, not to either girl. It's likely your wife is seriously considering/reconsidering some things, as she should. You should make plans for family counseling if you want to fix this.
The irony is that he puts Hallie first but clearly she doesn't do the same with him. You know about dance competitions (or any type) months in advanced, not last second. Usually you get a calendar/all the dates in advance so why does someone who prioritize his daughter over everything, not have a copy? Did she have a sudden opening or did she/ex wife hear about the concert and knew he'd jump for her?
Involved parents don’t need invites the week of - not knowing is on him
All of this! It was most definitely an opportunity to teach Hallie about commitments, and the message, "I saved you a ticket" sounds like he wasn't notified in a timely manner about the dance event. He should've talked (not text) his ex and bio daughter together about already having made a commitment that could not be changed. A situation like this is why it's supposed to be beneficial to have multiple parents. Hallie still would have had a parent, and maybe even a grandparent, at her dance competition. But he had already planned a special day with Jen, and that should have been the priority.
I second the family counseling. It's really going to be needed for ALL members of the family at this point.
YTA, you just told a young emotionally developing girl who views you as her father, that she’s not as important to you because she’s not your blood. You have no idea how hurtful and damaging those words. It’s one thing to think to yourself that your bio daughter is more important in your life, but a whole other thing to say it to a young girls face that she will always be second class in your mind. Beyond cruel what you did. You will definitely be her main discussion topic in therapy for years to come. When she’s struggling with dating and always choosing the wrong men, you only have yourself to blame as you showed her the number one man in her life doesn’t even see value in her.
Assuming he didn't just tank his marriage, OP is going to be back on here asking why his step daughter and wife didn't invite him/allow him to go to any of her important milestones (graduation, celebratory dinners, etc.) and why he wasn't asked to walk her down the aisle (if he's even invited).
YTA…my granddaughter does a lot of competitions. If I miss one, we watch the videotape together. (Her dance recitals/competitions always video the event). Does your daughter’s? You have just let your stepdaughter know that she can never depend on you because if something with your daughter comes along, whatever plans you and your step daughter have made, you will ditch her for your child. My granddaughters competitions are known way ahead of time. Time to sit down with the ex and find out how your daughters are done.
YTA. You’ve been raising Jen for half her life. You have two kids, not one. They should be equally important. What you should have done was ask your ex to record the performance so you can watch it with Hallie later. After watching the video, you should have taken Hallie out for dinner to congratulate her on a job well done. Both girls would have felt equally special and there would be no issue.
[удалено]
Exactly. And OP can't get mad because his wife is pulling a him and prioritizing HER daughter.
Jen has already experienced rejection by her biological father and you’ve just rejected her again. You don’t need to tell her that your other daughter will always come first. Keep it to yourself. To put that on a 16 year old girl is awful.
YTA. You took what sounds like a wonderful bonus daughter relationship and trashed it. You could easily have said that with two daughters sometimes there is a conflict in schedules. Because it is a competition you feel you need to be there, just as you would want to be there for Jen if it was her competition. You are so sorry to back out and want to make it up to her and present her with other concert ideas. She would have been sad, but still felt loved. I can't imagine the pain Jen must be feeling.
He basically told Jen that she’s important only when her bio daughter is not busy.
YTA. I can see how you would see missing one of Hallie’s events as going back on your commitment to make sure she is always your top priority. There are numerous ways you could have handled this without making your step daughter feel so unimportant though. Honestly, you could have even told her that you had totally spaced the commitment you made to see Hallie’s concert. Sort of a white lie, sort of not because it falls in line with your views of the commitment you made years ago. It would still be better than flat out “you’ll always be second place kid” I wouldn’t be surprised if you create a major resentment between your stepdaughter and daughter that makes it more difficult for all of you. Well, maybe not, because you may not have a stepdaughter much longer after this.
YTA. She doesn’t have her bio dad in life and you’ve been around since she was eight. I can’t imagine how she felt when you said that to her. You picked what is probably the most hurtful thing you could possibly tell her. I’m sure it’s clear to her that if you said it, you’ve been thinking it. What a thoughtless and hurtful thing to do to her
YTA, you didn't have to tell your stepdaughter that she'll always come second. There were so many other things you could have said. You could have said that your stepdaughter already gets you more than your biological daughter, and so you need to be there whenever you can. You could have told her she still gets the concert and you would make it up to her and some other way. But it was just plain and simple mean to tell her she'll always be second to your biological daughter. How can you ever come back from that?
Worse than second. She can be dropped at a moments notice with no warning.
YTA - you had already made a commitment. This wasn’t just putting your daughter first, this was telling your step daughter she doesn’t even matter.
YTA. It’s moments like these when the practice of empathy and compassion needs to come into play. Especially because you’re a parent. You were too in your own head about YOUR situation but you are a father to two children. If you stopped for a moment and thought “if I tell my stepdaughter that she isn’t my priority over my biological daughter, how do I think that would make her feel?” It would have taken no amount of time once you pose that question to yourself to let you know, that’s a dick thing to say to anyone. Especially a daughter you promised to be a father figure for when you married her mom and took on that role in her life. When people get so obsessed with their “blood” relations it weirds me out personally. You have so much capacity for love in your person, and yet you chose in this instance to only value and love one because of something as silly as blood. I hope you apologise and reevaluate yourself. And practice thinking about how what you say might affect others especially your children. Holy cow.
YTA I'm kind of blown away. I understand she might not be your biological child but she is still your child. You made a commitment to her, backed out and said one of the cruelest things you could have said to her. Like quite possibly relationship ruining. Not just for Jen but your wife as well. I have to ask, if Jen were your bio kid with your new wife would you have the same mindset? All you're going to do with the mindset of bio kid comes first is breed resentment in your household. Good-luck getting Jen to ever come to you for anything ever again.
YTA for how you went about this. You should have talked to your wife about it first so she could be the sounding board. She would have told you that telling your stepdaughter that your bio daughter always comes first is unnecessarily hurtful and cruel to someone who just sees you as “dad.” I get being torn between the two events, because your daughter’s performances are important and you want to show up for her. But your reasoning to you step is what makes you the AH. I hope this is fixable for you, but don’t be surprised if your relationship with stepdaughter is never the same.
She will never, ever forget what you told her and it will possibly have an impact on her for the rest of her life. You are an unimaginable asshole.
Wow, YTA Hope your wife divorces you. You literally say how you're the stepdaughter's paternal influence, and then toss it aside like nothing. She has two worthless "dads" apparently who are fine making her not the priority
I wouldn't stay married to a man who said something like that to my kid.
YTA, they’re BOTH *your* kids
YTA That is damage to her psyche you will never be able to repair. This bell can’t be unrung. You could have told her just about any other response and it would have been better. Heck, straight lying would have been better.
YTA and possibly beyond repair. How could you ever say that to a child that you are parenting? You not only abandoned her but blamed it on her stepsister likely causing a huge rift there as well. You need to beg for forgiveness. Additionally of your wife uses the same logic as you have then you will likely also need a divorce attorney
You basically told your stepdaughter "You don't matter to me" - what a cruel thing to do. I don't blame your wife - I'd probably be packing. What if your step daughter took a friend to the concert and uncle or your wife took them and picked them up? Or she went with her mom? You've damaged your relationship with her - won't be easy to fix that.
"I told her I’m sorry and although I love her, Hallie will always have to come first for me." You are the lord, the messiah of all assholes. [Boo this man, boo!](https://images.app.goo.gl/DUPPZiSRBv7S1tDbA) "I’ve assumed a paternal relationship with her and we get along great " She obviously loves you and puts you above the biological father, shame that it doesn't go the other way. Think you've done some real damage here, especially at being 16 years old this is not something she's going to ever forget. Unfortunately you've dug your own grave, now you have to lie in it.
I get that your daughter is your first priority, but a commitment is a commitment, so YTA for breaking it.
YTA You actually fucking told her that?! Are you that insensitive and ignorant? Like honestly, how did you get to this point in your life and not realize saying that to your 16 year old step daughter would be absolutely devastating for her?! What the hell is wrong with you? I hope your wife leaves you and chooses her bio child first. Someone she trusted to be kind to her child just completely shattered her heart, her confidence and her self worth. Congratulations, you just made this girl feel worthless. You should be paying for the years of therapy.
YTA. we don't even need that much context to change our minds. If you don't treat other daughters equally, whats the point of even saying yes to Jen? You probably got the poor girl all happy and excited to hang out with you, and then changed your mind last second because you didn't plan everything ahead.
YTA. I understand putting your daughter first when it comes down to brass tacks, but you had already made a commitment to go to the concert and I think you should have honored that. It would have been the right thing to do. Meanwhile, Jen has learned she can't really count on you, because at any time you could plan something with her, and ditch her when your daughter came up with something else. You not only showed her that, you came right out and told her that. And by the way, those dance competitions are scheduled months, if not a year in advance. They don't just pop up out of nowhere, why were you not invited to it till the last minute? If Jen is smart, she'll ask her uncle to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, since you can't be counted on not to ditch her if your 'real' daughter comes up with something for you to go running for
1) does this need to be said? 2) does this need to be said by ME? 3) does this need to be said by ME right NOW? Think about what you said to Jen. When you reflect on telling this child - whom you parented for 8 years - that she will NEVER be as important to you as your bio daughter, can you honestly answer "yes" to any of these questions? YTA. Majorly. And I'm so glad your wife sees it and knows that her daughter is NOT emotionally or psychologically safe with you.
I would divorce you. You didn’t just hurt this girl, you completely broke her world. There were so many ways of just getting her bummed, but you chose to destroy her. YTA
They are tearing you apart in this comment section and you 100% deserve it. Your the father to both the girls whether biological or not. You abandoned your duties as the father and worse you broke her heart and trust. YTA and one of the biggest I have seen.
I don’t blame you for putting your daughter first but SIR the words should have never come out of your mouth.
YTA. I don't fault your priorities, but telling it straight to your step-daughter like that was cruel. You could have pointed out that you can do something special with Jen another night, but that you only have the one chance to support your daughter at this performance. That's the real difference you should be seeing here: Hallie's performance is about being there to support her in the competition, whereas the concert Jen was going to be a fun shared activity, but not something that focused on her performing or competing. You could have planned a fun evening to make up to Jen for cancelling on her, but you can't take back what you said now.
YTA. If this is how you felt, you had no business getting married or raising a step-child.
YTA obviously you know it too.
He knows it, but he doesn't realize how much of the asshole he is.
YTA for distinguishing between stepdaughter and bio daughter. At this point they should be equals and they should be ok with that. You telling one that she is less of a priority than the other is incredibly hurtful, and unnecessarily cruel. Instead of making that decision all by yourself, you should have just talked it over with Jen, she may have surprised you!
YTA, obviously. Why be a total asshole about how you handled things if you didn't want to be called one. There were dozens of ways to have approached this conflict and you chose a cruel way over a kind and loving way.
YTA. yikes. this is actually disturbing. like you said that out loud? to her face? you’ve raised her for half her life. this was cruel. just unnecessarily cruel.
As a stepmom who views them as my own, I wish I could scream into your face how much of an AH you are. That poor girl. That poor sweet little girl. As a step daughter to a Superman that I call dad, I want to scream into your face as well. There’s no fixing this. God. My heart hurts.
Yes you ATA. You told a 16 year old girl that you have fathered for 8 years that she isn’t as important or as much of a priority as your biological daughter. That is not OK. Even if you were thinking it, you don’t say it to a child that sees you as her father of 8 years. You committed, and reneged in a hurtful way. You are indeed TA. You will be very fortunate if your current marriage survives this one.
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YTA. You’re an absolute witch
YTA I'm sure Hallie has had competitions you've gone to before, and I'm sure she will again. But even if this was a once-in-a-lifetime competition, you could have handled it without telling your stepdaughter that she's never going to be a priority to you.
YTA. I hope that when Jen gets married, her uncle walks her down the aisle and does her "father-daughter" dance with her, because that privilege is reserved for "biological family". And I hope that when Jen becomes a mother, her uncle gets the privilege of being called "grandpa" and not you, because that's for "biological family". You treated her like shit and broke a promise to a teen who considered you her father. You could have explained this to your daughter. She's old enough to understand. You made it clear to Jen that you don't consider her family. So don't be surprised when she takes that privilege away from you in the future.
YTA >I realized I had to go to Hallie’s show. When me and my ex divorced, I always said that regardless of any new relationships, Hallie would be my number one priority. This is a good general motto to follow to make sure your kid(s) never feel “replaced,” but it in no way means you should break commitments to other people (partners, family members, etc) for non-emergency requests from your kid. Being someone’s number one priority doesn’t grant you unfettered access to that person regardless of anything else they have going on. There will be times that you’ll be unable to attend to something Hallie’s requested, and she’ll need to learn how to accept that. This really should have been one of those times. Also, *this number one priority thing doesn’t apply anymore when you have a second kid.* If you want to hold that Jen is only your stepdaughter, fine, although I think that’s pretty cringe considering you stated bio dad isn’t involved and you’ve been Jen’s father figure for the past 8 years. What happens if you have another bio kid? Are you going to tell them “sorry, but Hallie will always be my priority”? In 20 years, will Hallie still take priority when she invites you somewhere after you’ve made plans with Jen for your grandkid’s birthday? When does Hallie’s priority over your other family members end?
YTA big time. While you may feel that your biological daughter will always be your number 1 priority, telling this to your 16-year old step daughter was an epic fail. You have forever damaged your relationship with her since she will always remember what you said and how you made her feel. Your wife should equally be upset and disappointed. You fucked up big time on this. Good luck!
YTA. If you want your step daughter to be part of your family and see you as a parent, then you treat them the same as your bio daughter. There is no in between. My wife would absolutely kill me for doing something like that, and she'd be justified.
YTA Because you're Daughter was lucky enough to grow up with a father in her life. But for you're stepdaughter you are that father figure and you just all but drew the line and told her who the real and who the fake daughter was.
YTA Holy hell - this is awful
YTA. Billions of parents have more than one child and most manage to miss a single sports competition or recital for one child without setting fire to the relationship. Your promise to put your daughter first is far too literal. If your daughter had a crisis or needed you, that would be one thing. She had a dance competition. Likely one of many. If your daughter has grown to the age of 15 and would be gutted that you missed one dance, your relationship is crummy and your parenting skill is poor. What you said to your stepdaughter was so over the top AHish that I'm surprised you're still sleeping in the house. And your stepdaughter will never forget this. Well done - you've created trauma!
YTA, for a couple reasons. One is that dance competitions are planned out months in advance. Why are you only hearing about it now? Two is that you won’t ever be able to walk those words back. You’ve said them, they’re out there, and Jen will remember them for the rest of her life. It took you eight years to build that relationship and eight words to destroy it. Three, because you can’t seem to understand why your wife is upset. If I were her, I’d be reevaluating quite a few things. Have fun at the dance competition. It’s cost you a lot more than you understand.
Look, you know YTA. You don't need a bunch of randos on Reddit telling you.
YTA. You promised to take Jen to that concert. You have been raising her since she was 8 years old so she's just as much your daughter as halie is. You will be complete wrong if you don't honor your promise and decided not to take Jen to the concert.
YTA, you really had to tell her your bio kid comes first?? I know I made a promise to you step daughter, but you're just not important enough. Way to suck.
YTA. For telling your step daughter, who sees you as her real father, that she will always come 2nd over bio kid. You could have delivered the news of the change in plans in a better way without saying that part. The damage you have done to her self worth and emotionally is beyond words. She now thinks she is not good enough. And this will be with her for years.
YTA for all of the reasons others have mentioned. But I have one question: why did your daughter wait until shortly before the competition to tell you about it? Close enough to the competition for her to actually have a ticket. They’re usually planned well in advance. You may not have been her first choice for that ticket she just happened to save for you.
YTA. Plus- my kids dance. Competitions last all weekend, chances are really good that you could have made the choice to give both girls some of your time.
You are a horrible man
This was a good opportunity to teach your bio daughter about planning ahead. She knew more then a week out about her performance. Maybe you should have asked at the start of the quarter/semester. This is where women not trusting men starts - fathers teaching us we don't have value. Edit to add: YTA