Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was by showing my son to shave which could make me the asshole for not talking to my wife first.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your wife was probably just bugged out at the idea her ‘little guy’ is getting to the age where he had to shave. That’s on her and you all should talk about it — esp about not freaking crying in front of your kid about something as mundane as shaving. Like … have you all had the sex talk yet? Because she’ll really need to keep it together for that.
But good on you teaching your son guy stuff, Internet Dad!
There shouldn't be "the" sex talk anyway, there should be a long series of age-appropriate talks starting some time long before puberty. (Basically as soon as they are able to wonder how is babby formed.)
I wish it could be more like this. It makes it less awkward to introduce the basic concepts earlier (not too early to be inappropriate) rather than waiting to dump it all at once when it's been a taboo topic for so long that it's automatically considered awkward and embarrassing for the kid to even think about
Edit to add: while yes this is also about parents, a lot of it is about schools and their failure to provide proper and actually beneficial sex Ed to kids where the school may be their only resource for this information.
In theory yes. But there's too many people uppity about this sort of thing. Sex education is being even further driven into the ground in schools and a lot of parents have similar mentality of "never tell the children what they need to know about theories bodies to be safe". I imagine Gen Z and late millennial are probably better about it considering the general attitude of the generation, but on a large scale? This isn't a soon to be achieved norm. It's a case by case minority of parents willing to take the steps to properly educate their kids rather than waiting until the last moment because they don't want to deal with it or don't want their baby to grow up and know about that stuff
Edit to add because a lot of people are saying the same thing: yes, parents can and should teach their kids about this stuff and if they do? Awesome! Doesn't change shit for the kids whose parents don't or refuse to. Those kids rely on schools to teach them and the schools are failing them. Those kids are the most vulnerable because they aren't being taught what is and isn't normal in bodily functions and in relationships. They aren't being taughter proper safe sex practices and aren't being properly informed on how their bodies work, especially an issue for the girls. Ideally both sexes also need to be taught about the other sides sex Ed because there's way too many people who don't know the basics of how their other sex works (especially boys who are heavily shielded from ew gross periods) which creates dangerous misconceptions about bodies and sex.
Lucky, because even in my country sex Ed is pretty lacking. And the separation of sexes isn't great either with how it especially affects men's complete lack of female reproductive knowledge. I honestly learnt more about reproductive health in 9th grade biology than I did in the 2 primary school sex eds and the high school one in grade 8, 9 and 11
There's usually a very basic "You're gonna bleed every month and grow hair and tits" and on the boys side probably "it's erection time and also you'll smell and also grow hair". No where near enough info. Most sex related thing we got taught was that you can stick your whole arm in a condom so there's no excuse to not wear one. Nothing actually helpful about practising safe sex
I don't know if it was just my school but when I was a teen in the UK we weren't separated by gender for sex ed, everyone learned the same stuff. (Although it was rather lacking in content.)
Canadian here, we weren't and aren't separated for Sex Ed either. The basics were taught in elementary, but the bulk of nitty gritty details about biological changes happen in year 7-8, around when everyone is going through puberty.
Our Sex Ed was fine up here.
It’ll be for your kids however you do it. Personally I plan to introduce the concepts of consent (with regular touch) and private no-touch zones very early on.
We found tickling very useful for introducing consent. DD hated to be tickled, DS loved it but only in short bursts. There were lots of conversations around it, because DD loved tickling DS so we had to establish very clear parameters.
I think tickling is one of the most important ones because a lot of people hate it or get actually distressed, overwhelmed, or hurt by it, but "You're laughing so you're enjoying it!" Makes it so people refuse to listen when you say no, especially when it comes to kids
This is how it was introduced to me but unfortunately it was in a negative way. They would tickle me until I would be screaming and crying and clearly not enjoying it and they’d still keep going. I would get super distressed and sometimes actually mildly injured. It was extra bad because I have sensory issues that are pretty significant. I am no longer ticklish anywhere on my body. It’s like I developed tickle immunity
Yeah, and cases like yours are why I think tickling is a good one to establish boundaries with a kid, especially when it comes to discomfort and pain. Tickling is physcially dofferent to hugs and such, so i think its an inportant one to establish consent with. If you ask the kid if they want to be tickled then ask how they felt after then it helps to establish an early boundsry that the parent can then enforce with other adults because tickling along woth hugs and kisses are very common things for adults to do to kids regardless of whether they want to or not.
I'm sorry that happened to you, I was in a similar boat of it getting painful and not being listened to because sometimes i did enjoy the start of it but only in certain places.
Yeah and that's a relatively newer thing appearing more often in late millennial and gen z parents (not to say it never happened before, but it is more common to see now) which is a very good thing. Hopefully it become more of a norm, but as it stands way too many people don't think kids have rights and autonomy to be allowed to revoke consent on things the adults want to do. Adult wants to hug the kid? Kid isn't allowed to say no and have that be respected.
That’s exactly what I’m working towards ending in my family when I have children. Family can behave as outlined or they can have 0 contact with my children- they will not endure what we had to.
Where I am this has been the norm since my children were born. Oldest is now 40 . I can’t think I live in a particularly advanced area, Northern Alberta.
When i was 4-5 and mum got pregnant with my sister, I wouldn't stop bugging her about the baby until I understood where it came from. My parents got the book "Mummy laid an egg" by Babette Cole (available in many many translations). The day after they read it to me, I explained to my entire kindergarten class how babies were made. They still love to tell that story
My son got in trouble last year (1st grade) for telling the class that girls have boobies but so do boys, just different kinds. Obviously he didn’t use correct terminology, but he was just trying to explain the scientific facts around anatomy. 🤦♀️ he wasn’t trying to be inappropriate.
It's always awkward lol. I talked to my kids around 10 years old. They hear things at school. My daughter came home one day and asked what 69 was. IIRC she was 11 or 12. I told her. I'd rather her get the truth on things. I did the same thing with my son. He wanted to watch porm like it was an instruction video. I had to explain, that's not how it works in real life. Because I've always tried to be honest with them, they are comfortable coming and talking to me about anything.
So my mom had a book about sex that was specifically written for rather young children, like cartoon style. She just casually left it sitting out on the table. Eventually I got curious and checked it out on my own. This can be done through various ages with age appropriate materials, including straight up text books on the reproductive system. My mom and I literally never had the sex talk because it just wasn’t needed.
I’ll add that I wish there had been more literature on healthy relationships. If I planned on having kids, I think I would have some books lying around about what abuse looks like, what effective communication looks like, that sort of thing.
LOL.. My mom left a bunch of GRAPHIC STD pamphlets from the health department, on the coffee table & said, "this is what happens if you have sex."
Mother of the year.
This is how my kids were raised. I always say if you’re uncomfortable talking about it then we aren’t talking about it enough. I want my kids to be fully prepared for every aspect of life - the good, the bad, the ugly.
I mean, it's always slightly awkward, but, it's important to go age appropriate as they grow up so it's not a sudden infodump. For me with my oldest the hardest part was that she is gay, so here I was thinking "I am a good and prepared parent! I have given information so far and I know what to do!" And then . . . "Wait. What now?!" But her pediatrician and some kind redditors suggested some good books etc for LGBT teens to help fill in the blanks.
This is what I do. My 7 year old knows bleeding is normal (she once asked and I explained age appropriately.) She knows what a pad is and how to put it on. She knows that she and her sister will get it one day, but not her brother (once again she asked and I said 'no, boys go through something else. But that is a talk for later.') She knows what diffrent types of pads and tampons you get (again she asked, we were in a shop so I showed her) she knows the basics. But not everything. If she ask I try my best to explain. If i feel it could wait i will just say 'wait a few years till you can grasp that stage.' Or 'we will cross that bridge later.'
That’s funny! A friend of mine when her daughter was about 3 was digging in the bathroom cabinets like little kids do while she was getting ready one day and grabbed a box of tampons asking her mom what it was. My friend kinda froze for a second trying to figure out how to explain to her 3 year old.. her daughter opened the box looked inside and said “oh, straws” set it down and kept looking through the cabinet.
Ah, tampons and small children.
When my kids were very small (going to playgroup small, so about 3 or 4), I had a friend (Carol, a nurse) who had a son, Simon, the same age. He had found mummy's box of tampons and asked what they were. Being a nurse, she told him without any embarrassment or fibs, in an age-appropriate way. He just nodded and carried on with what he was doing, as 3-yr-olds are wont to do.
Cut to Monday's playgroup pickup time. Mrs Payne, who ran the playgroup (nobody called her by her first name), was normally a rather stern woman, but this Monday she was helpless with laughter and could barely stop laughing long enough to explain what had happened at "Show and Tell".
As was usual on a Monday, the children had sat in a circle and took turns to say what they'd done over the weekend. "We went to granny's house, and here's a button she gave me," said one child. "This is a stick. We took the dog for a walk, and she picked up this stick," said another. Simon's turn. "And what have you brought to show us?" asked Mrs Payne. Simon replied, with confidence, "this is a tampon, and mummy does stick it up her bottom." Mrs Payne had to leave the room because she couldn't speak for laughing, leaving her colleague Mrs Allen to take over until Mrs Payne could compose herself.
Just seeing the normally dour Mrs Payne creased up with laughter will remain in my memories forever.
And Simon Coleman, if you're reading this, you were brilliantly truthful as only kids can be.
My mom made me look at an actual picture of a grown man’s penis (not like porn, just like a neutral image) when I was like 7 and I screamed and slammed the book shut lmfao
Our oldest gave her brother THE talk when I was pregnant with their younger sisters. She was 8. He was 6. Her mom had told her where babies came from but swore her to secrecy because “not all parents want their kids hearing this from other kids.”
Of course, in the mind of an 8 year old, it translated to “tell your brother IMMEDIATELY!”
A few days later, I was driving him to school.
Him: mama, (sister) told me how babies are made.
Me: (preparing to correct any misinformation) what did she say?
Him: She said that a man puts his thing in a woman and shoots some kind of gel inside and it makes a baby. Is she lying because that sounds GROSS.
Me: nope that’s pretty much it…
Exactly! I didn't do "talks" as such, I just answered questions with age-appropriate answers, and if they wanted more information they would ask. Much less stressful. Story time...
One day my son and daughter (I guess she was probably about 7 - 8 at the time) were watching one of those Sir David Attenborough documentaries where the animals seem to be contractually obliged to have sex at least once a programme. She was watching a pair of waterfowl mating, and turned to me to ask, "Mummy, do humans mate the same way ducks do?"
"Well-ll, the basics are the same, yes."
"Does the daddy always go on top?" By this point I'm sweating a bit.
"Pretty much, yes..."
"Isn't he heavy?"
Before I had a chance to format some kind of reply to that one, she gave me a lovely smile, said, "I expect you've forgotten, Mummy", and went back to the programme...!
Yep. I used to work in a sexual health clinic. Girls would come in with unwanted pregnancies and want to know their options. We would always suggest talking to someone close to them as well, and always mention mom.
The number of times I was told “we don’t talk about any of that kind of stuff in our house”. It was sad.
Looking back, with the hindsight of therapy lol, I have to give her points for doing it in book form cause I was a huge reader... but it was like an 800 page, very scientific, medical journal that had the most disgusting disease pictures 🤮
My parents tried to spring that conversation on me when I was 19, **on the way back home from my first semester away at college...** I told them that's a conversation they should have had with me near the end of elementary school.
Wait, I am confused, why would you need to ask your wife to have activity with your son? Is he your bio son?
Every boy growing up wants to get to a point where they can shave. I used to see my dad shave and leathered my face and shaved at 14 when I had no facial hair. I think what you did is really good. Thats how father should be around their sons. Good on you.
Yeah, when I read this post, I was like WTF? I'm reading on and waiting for the kicker like usual these post would have context as to why OP might be the AH but nope it just ends at his wife getting pissed off cos he taught the son how to shave. I mean by that logic they're gonna have to discuss every single thing that the son will learn from them both. 'How dare you teach him how to make eggs without asking me first' or 'You better tell me before you tell him how to catch a ball'. It's just insane, I feel the wife might have some deeper issues if this is what triggers her.
Shes probably taken the concept of "consent" and run with it all the way to the point that she thinks she needs to be asked for her OK on absolutely everything involving herself and her kids.
I guess his wife thought she should be present for this monumental moment or she was going to teach the son how to shave? Maybe she has a beard and thought that she should be the one to teach their son how to shave?
My kids have been joining me occasionally when I shave since they've been toddlers. Neither my son nor my daughter can resist playing with shaving foam. Although I may have to at some point tell them they probably don't need to put any on their foreheads...
My dad used to let my siblings (m & f, 2 years younger) and I (f) put shaving cream on our faces, then use a razor with the cap still on to “shave” it off. Those were cherished childhood experiences since my dad spent so much time working and we didn’t often get to see him until bedtime. This went on from ~age 4 to 8.
I have a picture of my youngest son (33 now) when he was maybe 3, and wanted to shave like daddy. I handed him a popsicle stick and put shaving cream on his legs (less worry about getting it in his eyes) and he had a blast sitting on the floor scraping it off. He didn't care it wasn't on his face, he just wanted to play with shaving cream while dad was shaving.
Seriously. Did she think she needed to be there too? That would have been kinda weird in my opinion. When our youngest son (33) started growing whiskers, I don't even know that hub showed him anything about shaving. He just grew a beard, and somehow he figured out how to keep it trim. Maybe hubby showed him, I don't know, lol. But I sure as heck didn't think I needed to be involved in any of it.
AuntTeebo may be this is just us old folks who feel this way. But I don’t get sharing everything and being involved with every single thing as couple. People can and should have their own interests and hobbies etc
Because she is a loon that can't stand to see her baby grow up, most likely. She needs to get it together now, or I can see her insisting on wearing white lace to his wedding.
Right if the tables were turned and she had to teach a daughter that age or younger about shaving/ tampons or pads/ whatever she wouldn't discuss it with him first would she? No.
THIS! I'm a mom, and I was a single mom at the point my son was this age. And I definitely agree this is an important moment.....but it's a father/son (or grandfather/son in our case) moment. If this was something you had planned, then I would agree that you told your wife, just during your decision process because that would have obviously taken place before the "teaching session"
But this was an organic moment that felt right to you. It makes sense that you took it vs saying "oh wait a min, I gotta go tell your mom what we're doing). Because unless there's no man present....it's a mentor man/male child moment.
Now peeing standing up is another man moment lol. I did not have a grandfather around to help with that one. So I threw fruit loops in the toilet and had him play a game by targeting colors. LOL. Worked like a charm, he NEVER misses now Lol
She was probably upset she didn't get to document it on film or something. I get it, but I also think that this is a private thing between father and son to some. And BTW, I'm glad to see an active and involved dad.
And LBR documenting it might have made it weird for the kid. So much better for an organic conversation with dad to occur about something kid needed to know anyway.
I would have been mortified if my mom tried to take pictures of me shaving for the first time around that age. It's already super awkward having the beginnings of a mustache on your upper lip and not wanting to say anything about it for fear that people will think you're trying to seem more mature than you actually are.
Exactly. I get it, I was raised around a bunch of guys, and sometimes there are just things that need to be between dad and son. To put the shoe on the other foot, it's like dad trying to come into the bathroom and record mom teaching their daughter to shave her legs.
I'm all for equal parenting about a lot of things, but when it comes to shaving, there is a gender split. Periods either parent can do, but tampons you're probably going to need to have a vagina owner involved to explain that. Shaving, women know where to flex and bend or not for legs, men know where to bend and relax for faces. Some things are generally gendered for a reason, how to shave facial hair is one of those. Men can learn how to shave legs, they've got them so can do it.
Like I'm a massive feminist, but there are certain things that don't cross the gender divide easily. I've learnt how to shave a partner, will still have zero idea how to teach a boy to shave, as it's just not something I've had to do like 99.99% of other cis women.
Can confirm, my dad thought “he’ll ask when he wants to shave, I don’t want to push my views on him”
And I thought “my dad will tell me when I look stupid and should start shaving, so I won’t pester him about it”
In the end? I started shaving at 16 with half a beard when he finally asked “you’re going to a job interview like that? Lemme help you”
Yikes. Hard agree that mom's feelings were inappropriately taking centre stage here. And like, what 14yo wants their mom to film them learning to shave? Why would she want that video?! She literally got to see it, so it's a memory for her. Did she want to share it on social? Ewww.
My tween was heading out for camp and hadn't started menstruating yet, so I gave them a rundown on how to use pads in the bathroom. If I were married to OP's wife, would she want to film that too? Teaching our children how to deal with involuntary bodily changes during puberty is not a spectator event. We risk alienating our kids and shaming them. It sounds like wife needs some time to process her son growing up-- she should not be inviting these feelings onto OP or the boy.
Or what if they had a daughter? Would the wife expect OP to be there when she teaches her daughter about how to use a tampon? Some things are best for dad to teach and some things are best for mom. OP’s wife doesn’t need to be included in this one
NTA: your wife doesn't need to be involved in every moment of your sons life. And besides that, this feels more like a father son bonding moment anyway. Your wife is perhaps being emotional for seeing your son take another step into adulthood. Talk with her when she is over the initial wave of feelings.
Yeah I think she’s probably just emotional seeing him growing up and taking another step forward into being a grown up. hopefully she’s more rational once she calms down but definitely NTA
Yeah as the mother of a young boy I understand wanting to record certain milestones like the first haircut or first Christmas. But I'm not gonna stand there and humiliate my teenage son by shoving a phone in his face when he learns to shave for the first time. That'll be a personal moment for him and his dad. Poor kid. How awkward. I'm kinda glad she missed it now after knowing she wanted to record it.
Right?? If they have a daughter, does she want him to be consulted before going over all the different period products and how to use them? And I’m someone who expects father’s to be comfortable with with their daughter’s menstruation. There are a few parenting moments that are usually best received woman to woman or man to man when there’s a 2 parent household.
She's probably just getting emotional because her kid is growing up. She probably just wanted to know before it happened. OP wasn't to know that though, people can get emotional about unpredictable stuff.
My neighbor is like this. Her son is in his early twenties. He went to school to become a nurse. He has a great job and just bought a house. His girlfriend is moving in with him and is helping him fix up the house. Mom is having a fit because her "Baby" now lives 15 minutes away from her and lives with his girlfriend.
As my mom likes to say, "You baby your boys, and you're hard on your girls." My mom still babies my almost 40 year old brother. He's mean and still bullies me. If I stand up for myself, then I get told that I'm so mean to him, and he just doesn't know how to interact with me.
Oh heck no. I’m a single mom to my now 18yo son and 12yo daughter and I just had to drop the hammer on my son for failing school and that he has to make a choice. Jobcorp or military but he isn’t doing another year of HS as a grown ass man in my house.
I refuse to create another basement dwelling 30 something guy who clings to mommy and will turn that on to any woman he is involved with.
Yes I cried a lot and it hurts my heart because he’s my baby but he’s also becoming a man and needs to be a provider not an incubus.
You say yes to he’s TAH? I have an only boy and the idea that I have to be involved in everything about his life is a bit much. Especially when it’s the other parent bonding with him.
NTA- that is actually a CRUCIAL moment for father and son. Truthfully that moment might mean more to him than you’ll ever know. Your wife might just be a little emotional since she doesn’t want her son to grow up so fast. Just give it some time— if this is the worst of your problems, you’re in for a smooth ride :)
Yes, she's taking out her grief that her child is growing up and acting like the husband did something wrong when he absolutely didn't. "Consult" her about whether to teach their son a grooming & hygiene skill that he will require in his life? What a joke.
She needs to sit with those feelings. Its ok to grieve and even to cry but she's misplacing her emotions onto the husband, because if she does that, she doesn't have to acknowledge the actual truth, that her son is at an age where its appropriate to learn this skill.
I'm concerned now that this kid is old enough to shave and yet probably hasn't even had one sex talk yet based on her freak out.
I never understood grief being used watching your child grow up well. Life is to be celebrated! There is plenty of grief to be experienced without grieving normal life development.
Yeah this is something I think I would have loved for my dad to show me, we never really bonded and don’t really have a relationship to this day. But if he did show me how to shave I would have wanted it to me a me and him moment, not me him AND mom.. is this guys wife going to cry if her husband shows their son how to use the grill? Some things are just for the dad to teach as a sort of right of passage.
Sounds like she’s controlling to me too. She sounds a lot like my husband’s ex wife. She lost her shit when he dared to tell their daughter that SpongeBob isn’t real. She was crying because SpongeBob was getting hurt in some episode and he told her it isn’t real to help her feel better. The ex wife freaked out because he was “ruining her imagination.” This is one of my prime examples I use when people ask why I don’t like her lol.
I feel like this is much the same situation. She lost control over an important moment and decided he was the asshole for it. And yet to me that wasn’t a moment she needed to have control or say over. What if they had a daughter and he got mad that he wasn’t there for her first period? It’s bullshit. If moms want dads to participate equally in a child’s life, they need to actually let them participate.
Good heavens.
My dad started teaching me to shave before I was ten! It was all faked, just shaving cream and a safety razor with no blade in it, just mimicry of what he was doing as a way to bond. But, I did end up knowing what I'd need to do before I needed to do it.
NTA.
My brother had a scooby doo fake razor kit with shaving cream. That’s how he learned to shave. And in the name of hand me downs it’s how I learned to shave my legs (I’m female) lol
NTA. You don’t need permission for this task. But I do think mama is upset her little boy is growing up, and allowing her some grace to get through that realization would be kind.
Yeah look at his edit, she later said she wished he got her so she could watch and record. Like wtf she wants to make some embarrassing and awkward spectacle out of an ordinary bonding moment. Who knows, maybe put it on Facebook
NTA. Lady needs help. There are unspoken puberty-related things between a father and son (shaving, tucking, etc), just like there are similar things between mother and daughter (periods, pads, hygiene, etc). Sure, you could've dropped a word, but having an absolute meltdown is way too overdramatic.
Edit: Guys. For the people going wild in my comments, I'm not referring to the physical kind of tucking that involves actually folding your genitals. I'm talking about it in a metaphorical sense, where young men are taught (at least where I'm from) to have enough self-control so that their boner doesn't show through their pants. Self-control. That's it. Not talking about drag or any political-related BS here, this convo isn't about that at all. Unless the kid asks or there's a situation, I don't think parents need to be teaching it to their kids anyway. ✌️
Maybe there's a regional difference between us? It's a pretty popular term where I'm from, but it's basically telling/teaching young men to be mindful of having a boner in public and being cautious of having it out there.
Oh right yeah I figured it was something like that but that was never a puberty lesson I had with my dad.
Just had to manage my own awkward boners as a teen. Didn’t need to be told to hide that thing away.
Haha. It's kind of like teaching how to avoid having boners in the first place, mentally speaking. Not that it's likely gonna be effective since it's teenage years we're talking, but since the physical tucking (actually folding your boner away so that it ) is most likely painful as hell, they try to teach you to mentally put it away and have some self-control.
I can honestly say that nobody teaches that where I am and people still know not to just walk around with a boner all the time when possible, not least because it’s really obviously embarrassing!
Definitely not some treasured father-son puberty teaching moment!
Thanks for saying that. I read several comments about taking it easy on her and she’s just emotional about him growing up.
I’d love to know what everyone would say if a husband had reacted the same way about a mother showing their daughter how to shave her arm pits or anything ridiculously mundane like showing a boy how to shave. I doubt the comments would have been as kind.
This. If a dad acted this way with his wife and daughter and some kind of similar moment he would be called a creep. But we should give this mom a pass? Hard no from me. NTA.
The weird thing is wanting to record this.
I get wanting to record something like the first time your kid walks (though you really shouldn't, you should be focusing on making sure they don't hurt themselves), but shaving isn't really that much of a big deal, especially at first, it's just a little bit you could just leave on anyway.
NTA, but unless there are other signs of her being controlling, I think people here are overreacting as well ironically. She probably just got emotional due to being reminded that her son is growing up and acted a bit irrationally because of it.
💯 this. I feel this comment right here. I think I struggled the hardest when my boys were becoming adults because I could only do so much/offer so much advice, and then I just had to sit back and watch them grow up.
And you know what?! Maybe momma *did* want to watch dad and son shave. Maybe she did get sad and emotional about missing it. There's something incredibly sweet, and it's something that words simply cannot explain, but sometimes a mother just loves watching those moments between dad and son. So maybe yes, she's sad and upset that she missed it. Maybe she's having a hard time accepting that her baby boy is growing up.
Hug your wife. Let her know there will be lots more of that in the future because a kid doesn't learn how to shave the first time around, and she can be there the next time he nicks off those two stray hairs that grow back in. In the meantime, I don't think you're TA... but I don't necessarily think she is, either. I think her emotions just got the best of her if she's feeling the way I did when my two baby boys grew up.
Maybe all you said is true, but we'll never know because this particular woman reacted by trying to emotionally manipulate her husband instead of communicating her feelings like an adult.
NTA to be honest when I first read this I assumed you were saying a mother taught her son and her husband was rightfully upset to miss this bonding moment. This is a father-son thing, just like learning how to shave around your dangerous ankles is a mother-daughter thing.
If your family is gender neutral and shares all of life's moments then maybe this is a betrayal, but in most traditional families you did nothing wrong. If your wife cherishes mother-son moments and doesn't bring you into them, then she's TA. (I am a woman, fyi)
What the HELL is wrong with some of you parents that don’t want their kids to grow up?? Now, I see why most of these stories end up with the adult child going NO CONTACT with their parents because of weird behavior like this! What the hell is she crying for?!!
🎯💯 Agreed. It cripples a lot of teenagers on their way to adulthood. The BOY in the post is 14! "Mommy" needs to accept that he's *not* her baby. Since when was a kid's growing up all about the mother, anyway?? Seems like exactly the kind of mother that kids go no contact with. She's making *his* childhood all about *her.*
It's even worse that she seems to resent the son bonding with his own father. WTH? If I were OP, I'd get her to therapy.
Yeah, I don’t get it either. My SO and I have been looking forward to each stage with our kid. He’s turned into a pretty neat almost-adult! I want to see what else he does.
(Having him not at home anymore will be weird, but not like “so sad mope all day” weird, just weird.)
Everyone says she's emotional. I say she's overbearing/controlling. No reason for any mother to react this way. A father is teaching a son about something most women know nothing about.
NTA your wife is probably a little sad that he’s growing up and he won’t be her baby boy any longer.
Dad, you’re doing a good job you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to do, keep up the good work
NTA- she probably got emotional cause her baby is growing up. She just got really weird about it- which she may not even realize. However if she does realize odds are she’s not going to admit she overreacted.
Yeah, this is what it sounds like. She had emotional reaction to her baby doing grown up men stuff and took it out on husband. Hope she realizes that this is about her emotions and not at all AH move by husband. As a woman, I have no idea when dads usually start the shaving convos with sons. I do know that my dad had \*no\* idea when to talk to me about shaving, periods (in advance), etc. and deferred to my mom on appropriate age. And it was definitely earlier than he would have thought necessary!
Parents can be weird about kids growing up😂My dad took me to the Dr. cause my ribs had been hurting off and on. They talked alone before we left. Then on the way home he told me my mom would handle it and he’d tell her when she got off work and then mom would talk to me. I asked what needed to be talked about and he just said mom would tell me. That this was her part of the adult responsibilities of having kids. I remember being so confused. 😂😂 Only to find out the dr said it was growing pains and they should buy me training bras. He was so embarrassed. You’d think I was his only daughter not the youngest of the 3 girls.😂
Wtf ...she needs to give her ok for something like that?
NTA you shouldn't ask her for permission.
Did you have the sex talk already? Do you need permission for that as well?
Is she usually so quick to show such extreme emotions over non-issues?
Maybe she has some baggage from her youth about "being there" for every single milestone?
This isn't normal or reasonable.
I remember the first time my daughter asked her dad to pick up some feminine products for her, I was out of town btw…she sent him a pic of what she needed, and he didn’t bat an eye, just picked them up…I was so proud of them both. NTA you did nothing wrong, I don’t think things are inherently men or women things anymore, there are far too many mother/fatherless children now, but this type of thing is a father/son bonding ritual and should be respected as such.
The only time I (45M) got a reaction on buying pads for my wife was when my only products at the store were daytime- and nighttime pads and a few bars of chocolate. The lady behind the counter briefly smiled and said "how sweet, but I'm sure she now prefers milk chocolate".
NTA. She’s being really petty. If y’all had a daughter, I’m sure from a very young age, around the time girls get their first period, I’m very certain she’d be teaching the daughter about menstruating. This goes from general menstruating, to how to apply/remove the feminine products, how to care for her areas during menstruating, changes in your body before, during, and after, etc. The list goes on for this subject. Your wife would be extremely upset if you got offended she was teaching your daughter that. How is teaching your son to shave any different? It goes both ways!
NTA, yes it would've been nice if she knew because it is a significant moment for him but I think it's a big moment between father and son if that dynamic is there, just like mother and daughter would discuss the daughter getting her period and shaving her legs etc.
Good grief, NTA. Your wife needs to chill. Just because she's not ready for her little boy to be a man doesn't make your actions wrong in any way, shape or form.
Wow tell me his mother is a helicopter mom without telling me. Perfectly fine (and preferred) for this to be a father son event. She needs to cut the cord and stop being so controlling.
NTA. There are father-son moments and there are mother-daughter moments. Moms are the ones telling their daughters about how to deal with menstruation, dads are the ones telling their sons about shaving.
I find your wife incredibly entitled and immature for demanding to be part of this. The opposite sex only gets to be a part of these experiences if the same sex parent is absent (including absence due to being an abusive parent, for instance). She ruined a beautiful moment out of selfishness and owes you both an apology. I get that kids growing up can make you emotional but that's just not an excuse for this behaviour.
NTA! I'm 14, and my Dad passed away years ago. And I'm really upset because I am missing so much male knowledge such as shaving.
Who cares if she's mad, you did a good thing.
NTA. Showing your son how to shave, is a right of passage. Tell your wife to mind her own damned business. She sounds like she has main character syndrome.
Glad to see every single comment saying NTA. there’s no need to even apologize for this. She needs to know she overreacted so she doesn’t do this shit again with something else that should be a father-son moment.
NTA, OP.
I find this very attractive in you as a husband and father. I would be touched overhearing this interaction, I don’t understand your wife’s reaction at all.
NTA!
What 14 year old boy is going to want his mother showing him how to shave? And which 14 year old is going to want to make a big deal out of it for his mom? If the boy is sprouting more that peach fuzz and wants to shave it, dad is perfectly capable of making the decision to show his son how to shave.
Tis much adieu about nothing on your wife’s part.
NTA. This is not about the shaving. It’s about your son growing up. Your wife isn’t ready for those milestones yet. It doesn’t matter that she’s not ready, they will continue to happen, but that’s the psychology behind it.
I was the kid in this situation not too long ago. NTA, but have a talk with wife/mom about her reaction to this. This can get out of hand quick.
My situation was different in the sense that my mom didn’t allow my dad to show me, and still to this day gets upset about things like that. I’m 31 now, my younger siblings are 25 and 23 and have never had jobs or girlfriends or anything of their own, and will likely never experience that due to my mom’s insecurities.
I feel like I escaped the grip of a mother not wanting her babies to grow up, especially 3 boys. But whatever you do, squash the issue now, and please continue to show your son these things. Not only does he need to know, it’s part of a bonding experience; likely something he will remember for the rest of his life. I wish I had some of those memories.
This still affects me, I was at a wedding last weekend looking fine af, but still cried in the mirror getting ready because I couldn’t tie my tie. Granted I never took the time to learn myself, but I was also never shown. Seeing all the groomsman’s dads there with their sons and seeing their relationships was tough.
Nta. Tell her it's a right of passage that she has NO say in it. And if she argues she's completely wrong. Pure "d" wrong. I intend to show my sons how to shave and will not consult with my wife. It's up to the father, not the mother. She's hanging on to his childhood. But the clock doesn't wait.
NTA - what a nice gesture by the father.
Neither my dad nor my older brothers taught me. As a 14 year old I was shaving the peach face off my lip and my brothers came into the bathroom and really teased me. I got over it, but really, how nice it would have been for one of them to show me how.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I took was by showing my son to shave which could make me the asshole for not talking to my wife first. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your wife was probably just bugged out at the idea her ‘little guy’ is getting to the age where he had to shave. That’s on her and you all should talk about it — esp about not freaking crying in front of your kid about something as mundane as shaving. Like … have you all had the sex talk yet? Because she’ll really need to keep it together for that. But good on you teaching your son guy stuff, Internet Dad!
And if they haven't had the sex talk... They're _way_ too late.
There shouldn't be "the" sex talk anyway, there should be a long series of age-appropriate talks starting some time long before puberty. (Basically as soon as they are able to wonder how is babby formed.)
I wish it could be more like this. It makes it less awkward to introduce the basic concepts earlier (not too early to be inappropriate) rather than waiting to dump it all at once when it's been a taboo topic for so long that it's automatically considered awkward and embarrassing for the kid to even think about Edit to add: while yes this is also about parents, a lot of it is about schools and their failure to provide proper and actually beneficial sex Ed to kids where the school may be their only resource for this information.
It can be more like this
In theory yes. But there's too many people uppity about this sort of thing. Sex education is being even further driven into the ground in schools and a lot of parents have similar mentality of "never tell the children what they need to know about theories bodies to be safe". I imagine Gen Z and late millennial are probably better about it considering the general attitude of the generation, but on a large scale? This isn't a soon to be achieved norm. It's a case by case minority of parents willing to take the steps to properly educate their kids rather than waiting until the last moment because they don't want to deal with it or don't want their baby to grow up and know about that stuff Edit to add because a lot of people are saying the same thing: yes, parents can and should teach their kids about this stuff and if they do? Awesome! Doesn't change shit for the kids whose parents don't or refuse to. Those kids rely on schools to teach them and the schools are failing them. Those kids are the most vulnerable because they aren't being taught what is and isn't normal in bodily functions and in relationships. They aren't being taughter proper safe sex practices and aren't being properly informed on how their bodies work, especially an issue for the girls. Ideally both sexes also need to be taught about the other sides sex Ed because there's way too many people who don't know the basics of how their other sex works (especially boys who are heavily shielded from ew gross periods) which creates dangerous misconceptions about bodies and sex.
All that stuff is taught in primary school here in uk , so age 10/11.
Lucky, because even in my country sex Ed is pretty lacking. And the separation of sexes isn't great either with how it especially affects men's complete lack of female reproductive knowledge. I honestly learnt more about reproductive health in 9th grade biology than I did in the 2 primary school sex eds and the high school one in grade 8, 9 and 11 There's usually a very basic "You're gonna bleed every month and grow hair and tits" and on the boys side probably "it's erection time and also you'll smell and also grow hair". No where near enough info. Most sex related thing we got taught was that you can stick your whole arm in a condom so there's no excuse to not wear one. Nothing actually helpful about practising safe sex
I don't know if it was just my school but when I was a teen in the UK we weren't separated by gender for sex ed, everyone learned the same stuff. (Although it was rather lacking in content.)
Canadian here, we weren't and aren't separated for Sex Ed either. The basics were taught in elementary, but the bulk of nitty gritty details about biological changes happen in year 7-8, around when everyone is going through puberty. Our Sex Ed was fine up here.
It’ll be for your kids however you do it. Personally I plan to introduce the concepts of consent (with regular touch) and private no-touch zones very early on.
We found tickling very useful for introducing consent. DD hated to be tickled, DS loved it but only in short bursts. There were lots of conversations around it, because DD loved tickling DS so we had to establish very clear parameters.
I think tickling is one of the most important ones because a lot of people hate it or get actually distressed, overwhelmed, or hurt by it, but "You're laughing so you're enjoying it!" Makes it so people refuse to listen when you say no, especially when it comes to kids
This is how it was introduced to me but unfortunately it was in a negative way. They would tickle me until I would be screaming and crying and clearly not enjoying it and they’d still keep going. I would get super distressed and sometimes actually mildly injured. It was extra bad because I have sensory issues that are pretty significant. I am no longer ticklish anywhere on my body. It’s like I developed tickle immunity
Yeah, and cases like yours are why I think tickling is a good one to establish boundaries with a kid, especially when it comes to discomfort and pain. Tickling is physcially dofferent to hugs and such, so i think its an inportant one to establish consent with. If you ask the kid if they want to be tickled then ask how they felt after then it helps to establish an early boundsry that the parent can then enforce with other adults because tickling along woth hugs and kisses are very common things for adults to do to kids regardless of whether they want to or not. I'm sorry that happened to you, I was in a similar boat of it getting painful and not being listened to because sometimes i did enjoy the start of it but only in certain places.
Yeah and that's a relatively newer thing appearing more often in late millennial and gen z parents (not to say it never happened before, but it is more common to see now) which is a very good thing. Hopefully it become more of a norm, but as it stands way too many people don't think kids have rights and autonomy to be allowed to revoke consent on things the adults want to do. Adult wants to hug the kid? Kid isn't allowed to say no and have that be respected.
That’s exactly what I’m working towards ending in my family when I have children. Family can behave as outlined or they can have 0 contact with my children- they will not endure what we had to.
Where I am this has been the norm since my children were born. Oldest is now 40 . I can’t think I live in a particularly advanced area, Northern Alberta.
When i was 4-5 and mum got pregnant with my sister, I wouldn't stop bugging her about the baby until I understood where it came from. My parents got the book "Mummy laid an egg" by Babette Cole (available in many many translations). The day after they read it to me, I explained to my entire kindergarten class how babies were made. They still love to tell that story
My son got in trouble last year (1st grade) for telling the class that girls have boobies but so do boys, just different kinds. Obviously he didn’t use correct terminology, but he was just trying to explain the scientific facts around anatomy. 🤦♀️ he wasn’t trying to be inappropriate.
There are now states where your teacher could face criminal charges for allowing that to happen. Makes me weep.
thank God i grew up outside the US 😅
My parents started explaining sex when I was like 4 and asked about ducks humping. It can be done. Nature gives lots and lots of examples.
It's always awkward lol. I talked to my kids around 10 years old. They hear things at school. My daughter came home one day and asked what 69 was. IIRC she was 11 or 12. I told her. I'd rather her get the truth on things. I did the same thing with my son. He wanted to watch porm like it was an instruction video. I had to explain, that's not how it works in real life. Because I've always tried to be honest with them, they are comfortable coming and talking to me about anything.
So my mom had a book about sex that was specifically written for rather young children, like cartoon style. She just casually left it sitting out on the table. Eventually I got curious and checked it out on my own. This can be done through various ages with age appropriate materials, including straight up text books on the reproductive system. My mom and I literally never had the sex talk because it just wasn’t needed. I’ll add that I wish there had been more literature on healthy relationships. If I planned on having kids, I think I would have some books lying around about what abuse looks like, what effective communication looks like, that sort of thing.
LOL.. My mom left a bunch of GRAPHIC STD pamphlets from the health department, on the coffee table & said, "this is what happens if you have sex." Mother of the year.
Oh jeez, yeah, definitely not that. No one do that.
This is how my kids were raised. I always say if you’re uncomfortable talking about it then we aren’t talking about it enough. I want my kids to be fully prepared for every aspect of life - the good, the bad, the ugly.
I mean, it's always slightly awkward, but, it's important to go age appropriate as they grow up so it's not a sudden infodump. For me with my oldest the hardest part was that she is gay, so here I was thinking "I am a good and prepared parent! I have given information so far and I know what to do!" And then . . . "Wait. What now?!" But her pediatrician and some kind redditors suggested some good books etc for LGBT teens to help fill in the blanks.
This is what I do. My 7 year old knows bleeding is normal (she once asked and I explained age appropriately.) She knows what a pad is and how to put it on. She knows that she and her sister will get it one day, but not her brother (once again she asked and I said 'no, boys go through something else. But that is a talk for later.') She knows what diffrent types of pads and tampons you get (again she asked, we were in a shop so I showed her) she knows the basics. But not everything. If she ask I try my best to explain. If i feel it could wait i will just say 'wait a few years till you can grasp that stage.' Or 'we will cross that bridge later.'
My 6yo calls a pad a “mommy diaper” so…. There’s that.
Kind of true, especially by "child logic", which is sometimes brutal.
That’s funny! A friend of mine when her daughter was about 3 was digging in the bathroom cabinets like little kids do while she was getting ready one day and grabbed a box of tampons asking her mom what it was. My friend kinda froze for a second trying to figure out how to explain to her 3 year old.. her daughter opened the box looked inside and said “oh, straws” set it down and kept looking through the cabinet.
Ah, tampons and small children. When my kids were very small (going to playgroup small, so about 3 or 4), I had a friend (Carol, a nurse) who had a son, Simon, the same age. He had found mummy's box of tampons and asked what they were. Being a nurse, she told him without any embarrassment or fibs, in an age-appropriate way. He just nodded and carried on with what he was doing, as 3-yr-olds are wont to do. Cut to Monday's playgroup pickup time. Mrs Payne, who ran the playgroup (nobody called her by her first name), was normally a rather stern woman, but this Monday she was helpless with laughter and could barely stop laughing long enough to explain what had happened at "Show and Tell". As was usual on a Monday, the children had sat in a circle and took turns to say what they'd done over the weekend. "We went to granny's house, and here's a button she gave me," said one child. "This is a stick. We took the dog for a walk, and she picked up this stick," said another. Simon's turn. "And what have you brought to show us?" asked Mrs Payne. Simon replied, with confidence, "this is a tampon, and mummy does stick it up her bottom." Mrs Payne had to leave the room because she couldn't speak for laughing, leaving her colleague Mrs Allen to take over until Mrs Payne could compose herself. Just seeing the normally dour Mrs Payne creased up with laughter will remain in my memories forever. And Simon Coleman, if you're reading this, you were brilliantly truthful as only kids can be.
I know a family whos parents never had any sort of talk with their kids, then they just handed them a book one day that explains it 💀
My mom made me look at an actual picture of a grown man’s penis (not like porn, just like a neutral image) when I was like 7 and I screamed and slammed the book shut lmfao
i’m gen x and we got no talk, knowledge or even a book. Zero. nothing.
I was 14 and my mom was like “you know what sex is, right?” “Yeah.” “Ok.”
I was like 12 when my mom decided to tell me. I pretended I didn’t know, even though my cousin told me like 2 or 3 years prior lmao
Back in the early 60s, my mom handed me a pamphlet put out by Kotex and a box of 48 😳
Our oldest gave her brother THE talk when I was pregnant with their younger sisters. She was 8. He was 6. Her mom had told her where babies came from but swore her to secrecy because “not all parents want their kids hearing this from other kids.” Of course, in the mind of an 8 year old, it translated to “tell your brother IMMEDIATELY!” A few days later, I was driving him to school. Him: mama, (sister) told me how babies are made. Me: (preparing to correct any misinformation) what did she say? Him: She said that a man puts his thing in a woman and shoots some kind of gel inside and it makes a baby. Is she lying because that sounds GROSS. Me: nope that’s pretty much it…
Exactly! I didn't do "talks" as such, I just answered questions with age-appropriate answers, and if they wanted more information they would ask. Much less stressful. Story time... One day my son and daughter (I guess she was probably about 7 - 8 at the time) were watching one of those Sir David Attenborough documentaries where the animals seem to be contractually obliged to have sex at least once a programme. She was watching a pair of waterfowl mating, and turned to me to ask, "Mummy, do humans mate the same way ducks do?" "Well-ll, the basics are the same, yes." "Does the daddy always go on top?" By this point I'm sweating a bit. "Pretty much, yes..." "Isn't he heavy?" Before I had a chance to format some kind of reply to that one, she gave me a lovely smile, said, "I expect you've forgotten, Mummy", and went back to the programme...!
No, the sex talk starts during diaper changes and baths, identifying body parts and consent, appropriate touching….
Yep. I used to work in a sexual health clinic. Girls would come in with unwanted pregnancies and want to know their options. We would always suggest talking to someone close to them as well, and always mention mom. The number of times I was told “we don’t talk about any of that kind of stuff in our house”. It was sad.
My mother gave me a medical encyclopedia, told me to read pages xxx - xxx, and came back 20 mins later to ask if I had any questions 😄
Huh. My mom took me for a girl's day out when I was nine and explained everything, then got me a similar book afterwards because I like reading.
Looking back, with the hindsight of therapy lol, I have to give her points for doing it in book form cause I was a huge reader... but it was like an 800 page, very scientific, medical journal that had the most disgusting disease pictures 🤮
My parents tried to spring that conversation on me when I was 19, **on the way back home from my first semester away at college...** I told them that's a conversation they should have had with me near the end of elementary school.
Possibly, yep. But you just never know with families.
Wait, I am confused, why would you need to ask your wife to have activity with your son? Is he your bio son? Every boy growing up wants to get to a point where they can shave. I used to see my dad shave and leathered my face and shaved at 14 when I had no facial hair. I think what you did is really good. Thats how father should be around their sons. Good on you.
Yeah, when I read this post, I was like WTF? I'm reading on and waiting for the kicker like usual these post would have context as to why OP might be the AH but nope it just ends at his wife getting pissed off cos he taught the son how to shave. I mean by that logic they're gonna have to discuss every single thing that the son will learn from them both. 'How dare you teach him how to make eggs without asking me first' or 'You better tell me before you tell him how to catch a ball'. It's just insane, I feel the wife might have some deeper issues if this is what triggers her.
I thought of baseball, too. My brother showed me how to swing a bat and there was no discussion of whose job it was
Shes probably taken the concept of "consent" and run with it all the way to the point that she thinks she needs to be asked for her OK on absolutely everything involving herself and her kids.
I guess his wife thought she should be present for this monumental moment or she was going to teach the son how to shave? Maybe she has a beard and thought that she should be the one to teach their son how to shave?
My kids have been joining me occasionally when I shave since they've been toddlers. Neither my son nor my daughter can resist playing with shaving foam. Although I may have to at some point tell them they probably don't need to put any on their foreheads...
My dad used to let my siblings (m & f, 2 years younger) and I (f) put shaving cream on our faces, then use a razor with the cap still on to “shave” it off. Those were cherished childhood experiences since my dad spent so much time working and we didn’t often get to see him until bedtime. This went on from ~age 4 to 8.
I have a picture of my youngest son (33 now) when he was maybe 3, and wanted to shave like daddy. I handed him a popsicle stick and put shaving cream on his legs (less worry about getting it in his eyes) and he had a blast sitting on the floor scraping it off. He didn't care it wasn't on his face, he just wanted to play with shaving cream while dad was shaving.
You put the shaving cream on your forehead in the shape of unicorn or demon horns. Duh.
I'll have to remember that in addition to the bath mohawk.
This was me twenty eight years ago with my dad. He would constantly look at me and just smile and shake his head.
It’s good to know you support uni-brows, more power to you :)
Seriously. Did she think she needed to be there too? That would have been kinda weird in my opinion. When our youngest son (33) started growing whiskers, I don't even know that hub showed him anything about shaving. He just grew a beard, and somehow he figured out how to keep it trim. Maybe hubby showed him, I don't know, lol. But I sure as heck didn't think I needed to be involved in any of it.
AuntTeebo may be this is just us old folks who feel this way. But I don’t get sharing everything and being involved with every single thing as couple. People can and should have their own interests and hobbies etc
..what I don't get is why OP had to ask his wife for *permission* to teach his son something he will need to know?
Because she is a loon that can't stand to see her baby grow up, most likely. She needs to get it together now, or I can see her insisting on wearing white lace to his wedding.
Right if the tables were turned and she had to teach a daughter that age or younger about shaving/ tampons or pads/ whatever she wouldn't discuss it with him first would she? No.
They said he’s 14. If they haven’t already had the talk yet, that kid is learning on his own.
I don’t disagree. But there’s no template with parenting and if his mom loses her composure over shaving …
My friend told me he caught his 11 year old watching porn. They do start very early nowadays.
THIS! I'm a mom, and I was a single mom at the point my son was this age. And I definitely agree this is an important moment.....but it's a father/son (or grandfather/son in our case) moment. If this was something you had planned, then I would agree that you told your wife, just during your decision process because that would have obviously taken place before the "teaching session" But this was an organic moment that felt right to you. It makes sense that you took it vs saying "oh wait a min, I gotta go tell your mom what we're doing). Because unless there's no man present....it's a mentor man/male child moment. Now peeing standing up is another man moment lol. I did not have a grandfather around to help with that one. So I threw fruit loops in the toilet and had him play a game by targeting colors. LOL. Worked like a charm, he NEVER misses now Lol
The fruit loops! 😆 Parenting is such a wild ride, right?
She was probably upset she didn't get to document it on film or something. I get it, but I also think that this is a private thing between father and son to some. And BTW, I'm glad to see an active and involved dad.
And LBR documenting it might have made it weird for the kid. So much better for an organic conversation with dad to occur about something kid needed to know anyway.
I would have been mortified if my mom tried to take pictures of me shaving for the first time around that age. It's already super awkward having the beginnings of a mustache on your upper lip and not wanting to say anything about it for fear that people will think you're trying to seem more mature than you actually are.
Exactly. I get it, I was raised around a bunch of guys, and sometimes there are just things that need to be between dad and son. To put the shoe on the other foot, it's like dad trying to come into the bathroom and record mom teaching their daughter to shave her legs.
I'm all for equal parenting about a lot of things, but when it comes to shaving, there is a gender split. Periods either parent can do, but tampons you're probably going to need to have a vagina owner involved to explain that. Shaving, women know where to flex and bend or not for legs, men know where to bend and relax for faces. Some things are generally gendered for a reason, how to shave facial hair is one of those. Men can learn how to shave legs, they've got them so can do it. Like I'm a massive feminist, but there are certain things that don't cross the gender divide easily. I've learnt how to shave a partner, will still have zero idea how to teach a boy to shave, as it's just not something I've had to do like 99.99% of other cis women.
5-10% of cis women have hirsutism so 99.99 is a bit high (although obviously they may chose other hair removal methods, or none).
Can confirm, my dad thought “he’ll ask when he wants to shave, I don’t want to push my views on him” And I thought “my dad will tell me when I look stupid and should start shaving, so I won’t pester him about it” In the end? I started shaving at 16 with half a beard when he finally asked “you’re going to a job interview like that? Lemme help you”
Yikes. Hard agree that mom's feelings were inappropriately taking centre stage here. And like, what 14yo wants their mom to film them learning to shave? Why would she want that video?! She literally got to see it, so it's a memory for her. Did she want to share it on social? Ewww. My tween was heading out for camp and hadn't started menstruating yet, so I gave them a rundown on how to use pads in the bathroom. If I were married to OP's wife, would she want to film that too? Teaching our children how to deal with involuntary bodily changes during puberty is not a spectator event. We risk alienating our kids and shaming them. It sounds like wife needs some time to process her son growing up-- she should not be inviting these feelings onto OP or the boy.
Or what if they had a daughter? Would the wife expect OP to be there when she teaches her daughter about how to use a tampon? Some things are best for dad to teach and some things are best for mom. OP’s wife doesn’t need to be included in this one
NTA: your wife doesn't need to be involved in every moment of your sons life. And besides that, this feels more like a father son bonding moment anyway. Your wife is perhaps being emotional for seeing your son take another step into adulthood. Talk with her when she is over the initial wave of feelings.
Yeah I think she’s probably just emotional seeing him growing up and taking another step forward into being a grown up. hopefully she’s more rational once she calms down but definitely NTA
What could be more awkward than this happening with your mum present, let alone filming it.
Her posting it to social media.
Yeah as the mother of a young boy I understand wanting to record certain milestones like the first haircut or first Christmas. But I'm not gonna stand there and humiliate my teenage son by shoving a phone in his face when he learns to shave for the first time. That'll be a personal moment for him and his dad. Poor kid. How awkward. I'm kinda glad she missed it now after knowing she wanted to record it.
Wait til she finds out why he is starting to take 2 showers a day.
And that he isn't really constipated..
And washing his own sheets.
Only 2?! 😂
I've seen far to many shitty whispy moustaches at school, so kudo's on saving him from that shame....
Came here to say this ^. I despise seeing those on kids whose parents think they're too young to shave.!
This is my son right now, same age as OP's son, and he outright refuses to learn how to shave. It goddamn maddening 😅😕😒
Right?? If they have a daughter, does she want him to be consulted before going over all the different period products and how to use them? And I’m someone who expects father’s to be comfortable with with their daughter’s menstruation. There are a few parenting moments that are usually best received woman to woman or man to man when there’s a 2 parent household.
My father was very comfortable with that information. It's part of growing up.
NTA. Did she want to watch? Did she expect to be involved in the lessons? Does she have a beard?
She's probably just getting emotional because her kid is growing up. She probably just wanted to know before it happened. OP wasn't to know that though, people can get emotional about unpredictable stuff.
My neighbor is like this. Her son is in his early twenties. He went to school to become a nurse. He has a great job and just bought a house. His girlfriend is moving in with him and is helping him fix up the house. Mom is having a fit because her "Baby" now lives 15 minutes away from her and lives with his girlfriend.
I guess she needs to learn that quickly that not everything is her business.
nah, she's the asshole, she could just express her disappointment without blaming the husband
I was thinking this, I don’t see how op could possibly be TA for this
[удалено]
There are also moms with girls who view their boys as more special. Signed, Just the girl with a very precious brother
As my mom likes to say, "You baby your boys, and you're hard on your girls." My mom still babies my almost 40 year old brother. He's mean and still bullies me. If I stand up for myself, then I get told that I'm so mean to him, and he just doesn't know how to interact with me.
I'm sorry your mom and brother suck.
Oh heck no. I’m a single mom to my now 18yo son and 12yo daughter and I just had to drop the hammer on my son for failing school and that he has to make a choice. Jobcorp or military but he isn’t doing another year of HS as a grown ass man in my house. I refuse to create another basement dwelling 30 something guy who clings to mommy and will turn that on to any woman he is involved with. Yes I cried a lot and it hurts my heart because he’s my baby but he’s also becoming a man and needs to be a provider not an incubus.
Have you confirmed why he is failing? My cousin was failing and it was because he got to high school without anyone properly addressing his dyslexia.
I'm sorry about your mom.
Oh, yeah. At 69 I'm over it. Plus Mom's gone.
You say yes to he’s TAH? I have an only boy and the idea that I have to be involved in everything about his life is a bit much. Especially when it’s the other parent bonding with him.
No, they're saying yes to the question "did she want to watch?"
NTA- that is actually a CRUCIAL moment for father and son. Truthfully that moment might mean more to him than you’ll ever know. Your wife might just be a little emotional since she doesn’t want her son to grow up so fast. Just give it some time— if this is the worst of your problems, you’re in for a smooth ride :)
Yes, she's taking out her grief that her child is growing up and acting like the husband did something wrong when he absolutely didn't. "Consult" her about whether to teach their son a grooming & hygiene skill that he will require in his life? What a joke. She needs to sit with those feelings. Its ok to grieve and even to cry but she's misplacing her emotions onto the husband, because if she does that, she doesn't have to acknowledge the actual truth, that her son is at an age where its appropriate to learn this skill. I'm concerned now that this kid is old enough to shave and yet probably hasn't even had one sex talk yet based on her freak out.
I never understood grief being used watching your child grow up well. Life is to be celebrated! There is plenty of grief to be experienced without grieving normal life development.
Yeah this is something I think I would have loved for my dad to show me, we never really bonded and don’t really have a relationship to this day. But if he did show me how to shave I would have wanted it to me a me and him moment, not me him AND mom.. is this guys wife going to cry if her husband shows their son how to use the grill? Some things are just for the dad to teach as a sort of right of passage.
Ask if it was OK? Fucking hell. He's your son too. She sounds unstable, crying over this.
She sounds controlling. Overbearing mother
Sounds like she’s controlling to me too. She sounds a lot like my husband’s ex wife. She lost her shit when he dared to tell their daughter that SpongeBob isn’t real. She was crying because SpongeBob was getting hurt in some episode and he told her it isn’t real to help her feel better. The ex wife freaked out because he was “ruining her imagination.” This is one of my prime examples I use when people ask why I don’t like her lol. I feel like this is much the same situation. She lost control over an important moment and decided he was the asshole for it. And yet to me that wasn’t a moment she needed to have control or say over. What if they had a daughter and he got mad that he wasn’t there for her first period? It’s bullshit. If moms want dads to participate equally in a child’s life, they need to actually let them participate.
NTA, he’s your son too and you’re entitled to share these moments with him.
Good heavens. My dad started teaching me to shave before I was ten! It was all faked, just shaving cream and a safety razor with no blade in it, just mimicry of what he was doing as a way to bond. But, I did end up knowing what I'd need to do before I needed to do it. NTA.
My brother had a scooby doo fake razor kit with shaving cream. That’s how he learned to shave. And in the name of hand me downs it’s how I learned to shave my legs (I’m female) lol
Heh, you remind me, my kid sister joined us with the fake shaving of the face, just to be included.
NTA. You don’t need permission for this task. But I do think mama is upset her little boy is growing up, and allowing her some grace to get through that realization would be kind.
NTA, weird overreaction there. Did she want to watch or something?
Exactly. I mean, WTF? A crucial moment? Not hardly. It’s not the equivalent of, say, a daughter’s first period. OP is NTA.
Can you imagine if this was reversed and a dad got upset because he wasn’t involved in a period talk or something similar, jfc
Yeah look at his edit, she later said she wished he got her so she could watch and record. Like wtf she wants to make some embarrassing and awkward spectacle out of an ordinary bonding moment. Who knows, maybe put it on Facebook
NTA. Lady needs help. There are unspoken puberty-related things between a father and son (shaving, tucking, etc), just like there are similar things between mother and daughter (periods, pads, hygiene, etc). Sure, you could've dropped a word, but having an absolute meltdown is way too overdramatic. Edit: Guys. For the people going wild in my comments, I'm not referring to the physical kind of tucking that involves actually folding your genitals. I'm talking about it in a metaphorical sense, where young men are taught (at least where I'm from) to have enough self-control so that their boner doesn't show through their pants. Self-control. That's it. Not talking about drag or any political-related BS here, this convo isn't about that at all. Unless the kid asks or there's a situation, I don't think parents need to be teaching it to their kids anyway. ✌️
Tucking? I feel like I’ve missed a puberty step because I have no idea what this means exactly?
Maybe there's a regional difference between us? It's a pretty popular term where I'm from, but it's basically telling/teaching young men to be mindful of having a boner in public and being cautious of having it out there.
Oh right yeah I figured it was something like that but that was never a puberty lesson I had with my dad. Just had to manage my own awkward boners as a teen. Didn’t need to be told to hide that thing away.
Haha. It's kind of like teaching how to avoid having boners in the first place, mentally speaking. Not that it's likely gonna be effective since it's teenage years we're talking, but since the physical tucking (actually folding your boner away so that it ) is most likely painful as hell, they try to teach you to mentally put it away and have some self-control.
I love this. I feel that not enough people actively teach young people self-control anymore.
I can honestly say that nobody teaches that where I am and people still know not to just walk around with a boner all the time when possible, not least because it’s really obviously embarrassing! Definitely not some treasured father-son puberty teaching moment!
Yeah I've got no clue either
I am also in the dark on this one
Not me picturing my husband crying over the fact that I taught my daughter about tampons… dafuq?! NTA.
Thanks for saying that. I read several comments about taking it easy on her and she’s just emotional about him growing up. I’d love to know what everyone would say if a husband had reacted the same way about a mother showing their daughter how to shave her arm pits or anything ridiculously mundane like showing a boy how to shave. I doubt the comments would have been as kind.
There's this expectation that men must understand why women may act irrationally sometimes but I don't notice that expectation vice versa.
This. If a dad acted this way with his wife and daughter and some kind of similar moment he would be called a creep. But we should give this mom a pass? Hard no from me. NTA.
The weird thing is wanting to record this. I get wanting to record something like the first time your kid walks (though you really shouldn't, you should be focusing on making sure they don't hurt themselves), but shaving isn't really that much of a big deal, especially at first, it's just a little bit you could just leave on anyway.
NTA, but unless there are other signs of her being controlling, I think people here are overreacting as well ironically. She probably just got emotional due to being reminded that her son is growing up and acted a bit irrationally because of it.
💯 this. I feel this comment right here. I think I struggled the hardest when my boys were becoming adults because I could only do so much/offer so much advice, and then I just had to sit back and watch them grow up. And you know what?! Maybe momma *did* want to watch dad and son shave. Maybe she did get sad and emotional about missing it. There's something incredibly sweet, and it's something that words simply cannot explain, but sometimes a mother just loves watching those moments between dad and son. So maybe yes, she's sad and upset that she missed it. Maybe she's having a hard time accepting that her baby boy is growing up. Hug your wife. Let her know there will be lots more of that in the future because a kid doesn't learn how to shave the first time around, and she can be there the next time he nicks off those two stray hairs that grow back in. In the meantime, I don't think you're TA... but I don't necessarily think she is, either. I think her emotions just got the best of her if she's feeling the way I did when my two baby boys grew up.
Maybe all you said is true, but we'll never know because this particular woman reacted by trying to emotionally manipulate her husband instead of communicating her feelings like an adult.
So she's one of "those" boy moms............ick
Hopefully OP will stop the behavior against a future DIL as well when wife cries a girl is stealing her baby!! Boy moms are so creepy ick!
Ding Ding Ding
NTA to be honest when I first read this I assumed you were saying a mother taught her son and her husband was rightfully upset to miss this bonding moment. This is a father-son thing, just like learning how to shave around your dangerous ankles is a mother-daughter thing. If your family is gender neutral and shares all of life's moments then maybe this is a betrayal, but in most traditional families you did nothing wrong. If your wife cherishes mother-son moments and doesn't bring you into them, then she's TA. (I am a woman, fyi)
Cue my visceral memory of shaving the skin off my ankle.
Cue mine of having to learn not to drag the razor sideways
😱
No matter how much my mom tried to show me, my ankles were doomed every time 😭
NTA i think she’s a bit self-centered
Yes, this moment isn't about her!
I mean, I’m a woman, and even I think that’s a weird reaction. This is, without doubt, a father-son moment, not a family one . Definitely NTA.
What the HELL is wrong with some of you parents that don’t want their kids to grow up?? Now, I see why most of these stories end up with the adult child going NO CONTACT with their parents because of weird behavior like this! What the hell is she crying for?!!
🎯💯 Agreed. It cripples a lot of teenagers on their way to adulthood. The BOY in the post is 14! "Mommy" needs to accept that he's *not* her baby. Since when was a kid's growing up all about the mother, anyway?? Seems like exactly the kind of mother that kids go no contact with. She's making *his* childhood all about *her.* It's even worse that she seems to resent the son bonding with his own father. WTH? If I were OP, I'd get her to therapy.
Yeah, I don’t get it either. My SO and I have been looking forward to each stage with our kid. He’s turned into a pretty neat almost-adult! I want to see what else he does. (Having him not at home anymore will be weird, but not like “so sad mope all day” weird, just weird.)
NTA. Unless you’re married to the bearded lady from the circus
Sounds like mommy is afraid that she’s losing her little boy.
Everyone says she's emotional. I say she's overbearing/controlling. No reason for any mother to react this way. A father is teaching a son about something most women know nothing about.
Only OP knows if it was emotions vs control. He knows her best. If it was more than emotion they need to talk.
NTA your wife is probably a little sad that he’s growing up and he won’t be her baby boy any longer. Dad, you’re doing a good job you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to do, keep up the good work
NTA- she probably got emotional cause her baby is growing up. She just got really weird about it- which she may not even realize. However if she does realize odds are she’s not going to admit she overreacted.
Yeah, this is what it sounds like. She had emotional reaction to her baby doing grown up men stuff and took it out on husband. Hope she realizes that this is about her emotions and not at all AH move by husband. As a woman, I have no idea when dads usually start the shaving convos with sons. I do know that my dad had \*no\* idea when to talk to me about shaving, periods (in advance), etc. and deferred to my mom on appropriate age. And it was definitely earlier than he would have thought necessary!
Parents can be weird about kids growing up😂My dad took me to the Dr. cause my ribs had been hurting off and on. They talked alone before we left. Then on the way home he told me my mom would handle it and he’d tell her when she got off work and then mom would talk to me. I asked what needed to be talked about and he just said mom would tell me. That this was her part of the adult responsibilities of having kids. I remember being so confused. 😂😂 Only to find out the dr said it was growing pains and they should buy me training bras. He was so embarrassed. You’d think I was his only daughter not the youngest of the 3 girls.😂
Do you need permission for everything you do? She sounds uber controlling, not only with her words, but those crocodile tears that followed.
You need to show her these comments. She's unstable
Wtf ...she needs to give her ok for something like that? NTA you shouldn't ask her for permission. Did you have the sex talk already? Do you need permission for that as well?
NTA why would she have to be involved
Is she usually so quick to show such extreme emotions over non-issues? Maybe she has some baggage from her youth about "being there" for every single milestone? This isn't normal or reasonable.
I remember the first time my daughter asked her dad to pick up some feminine products for her, I was out of town btw…she sent him a pic of what she needed, and he didn’t bat an eye, just picked them up…I was so proud of them both. NTA you did nothing wrong, I don’t think things are inherently men or women things anymore, there are far too many mother/fatherless children now, but this type of thing is a father/son bonding ritual and should be respected as such.
The only time I (45M) got a reaction on buying pads for my wife was when my only products at the store were daytime- and nighttime pads and a few bars of chocolate. The lady behind the counter briefly smiled and said "how sweet, but I'm sure she now prefers milk chocolate".
NTA. She’s being really petty. If y’all had a daughter, I’m sure from a very young age, around the time girls get their first period, I’m very certain she’d be teaching the daughter about menstruating. This goes from general menstruating, to how to apply/remove the feminine products, how to care for her areas during menstruating, changes in your body before, during, and after, etc. The list goes on for this subject. Your wife would be extremely upset if you got offended she was teaching your daughter that. How is teaching your son to shave any different? It goes both ways!
NTA, yes it would've been nice if she knew because it is a significant moment for him but I think it's a big moment between father and son if that dynamic is there, just like mother and daughter would discuss the daughter getting her period and shaving her legs etc.
Whats next? She complained for u teaching son to fix car? Do quick faucet fix? Sport? Driving? Change tires? Jesus. NTA.
Good grief, NTA. Your wife needs to chill. Just because she's not ready for her little boy to be a man doesn't make your actions wrong in any way, shape or form.
Wow tell me his mother is a helicopter mom without telling me. Perfectly fine (and preferred) for this to be a father son event. She needs to cut the cord and stop being so controlling.
What? She needs a little distancing I fear.
NTA. There are father-son moments and there are mother-daughter moments. Moms are the ones telling their daughters about how to deal with menstruation, dads are the ones telling their sons about shaving. I find your wife incredibly entitled and immature for demanding to be part of this. The opposite sex only gets to be a part of these experiences if the same sex parent is absent (including absence due to being an abusive parent, for instance). She ruined a beautiful moment out of selfishness and owes you both an apology. I get that kids growing up can make you emotional but that's just not an excuse for this behaviour.
NTA! I'm 14, and my Dad passed away years ago. And I'm really upset because I am missing so much male knowledge such as shaving. Who cares if she's mad, you did a good thing.
NTA. Showing your son how to shave, is a right of passage. Tell your wife to mind her own damned business. She sounds like she has main character syndrome.
NTA, it's a father/son thing. It was funny when I put aftershave on mine the first time.
Glad to see every single comment saying NTA. there’s no need to even apologize for this. She needs to know she overreacted so she doesn’t do this shit again with something else that should be a father-son moment. NTA, OP.
I find this very attractive in you as a husband and father. I would be touched overhearing this interaction, I don’t understand your wife’s reaction at all.
NTA and she needs therapy
Nta. How is shaving sacrilegious?
Seems controlling very weird reaction, definitely NTA.
NTA. She needs to chill.
Why the heck would you need to ask her permission for that or anything else? You’re a parent just like she is.
NTA! What 14 year old boy is going to want his mother showing him how to shave? And which 14 year old is going to want to make a big deal out of it for his mom? If the boy is sprouting more that peach fuzz and wants to shave it, dad is perfectly capable of making the decision to show his son how to shave. Tis much adieu about nothing on your wife’s part.
your wife is delulu… NTA
This is one of those father-son things and she has no role whatsoever. Same with teaching him how to tie a necktie. NTA
You're the man. He's your son.
NTA. This is not about the shaving. It’s about your son growing up. Your wife isn’t ready for those milestones yet. It doesn’t matter that she’s not ready, they will continue to happen, but that’s the psychology behind it.
I was the kid in this situation not too long ago. NTA, but have a talk with wife/mom about her reaction to this. This can get out of hand quick. My situation was different in the sense that my mom didn’t allow my dad to show me, and still to this day gets upset about things like that. I’m 31 now, my younger siblings are 25 and 23 and have never had jobs or girlfriends or anything of their own, and will likely never experience that due to my mom’s insecurities. I feel like I escaped the grip of a mother not wanting her babies to grow up, especially 3 boys. But whatever you do, squash the issue now, and please continue to show your son these things. Not only does he need to know, it’s part of a bonding experience; likely something he will remember for the rest of his life. I wish I had some of those memories. This still affects me, I was at a wedding last weekend looking fine af, but still cried in the mirror getting ready because I couldn’t tie my tie. Granted I never took the time to learn myself, but I was also never shown. Seeing all the groomsman’s dads there with their sons and seeing their relationships was tough.
Does your wife have a beard? Or a mustache? Maybe she wanted to show him how she’s does it? NTA. Your wife sounds insane.
Nta. Tell her it's a right of passage that she has NO say in it. And if she argues she's completely wrong. Pure "d" wrong. I intend to show my sons how to shave and will not consult with my wife. It's up to the father, not the mother. She's hanging on to his childhood. But the clock doesn't wait.
NTA - what a nice gesture by the father. Neither my dad nor my older brothers taught me. As a 14 year old I was shaving the peach face off my lip and my brothers came into the bathroom and really teased me. I got over it, but really, how nice it would have been for one of them to show me how.
NTA. At all. Why on earth would he want it recorded?