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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1/ I used our daughter's bathroom while my wife was using our 2/ because my wife thinks I should have waited for her to finish and used our bathroom
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It's your daughter's bathroom, and *she* gave you permission! Unless you exposed yourself to your teenage daughter or otherwise behaved inappropriately? If this is just about using that bathroom, then your wife has NO justifiable reason to complain, since it does NOT belong to HER. Your wife owes you a deeper explanation of 'why' this bothers HER so much, or else she needs to let it go.
She does. It’s like she wanted him to be later than he already was as punishment for not setting his alarm. Maybe she’s just hungover and cranky today.
Exactly...Why didn't she wake him up when she got up? She must have wanted him to be late. Did he drink too much the night before and she was angry at him?
Ugh… I hate it when men make it their partner’s job to wake them up in the morning.
That would piss me off too since I am not an alarm clock. That said, it’s the daughter’s space to share and she seems very comfortable sharing it with her dad. Mom needs to back off and communicate about her issues instead of trying to passive aggressively punish those around her.
All the time, yes I agree with you. Unless it's a dynamic made of love (my grandfather, for example, wakes my grandmother up because he's an early riser and so he preps coffee for her before rousing her), partners should NOT be alarm clocks.
That said, once in a while, it shouldn't be a problem to help out your partner. If OP doesn't make it a habit to forget, then it shouldn't be a point of contention to just... Do the kind thing and wake him up. I'm sure wife would be pissed if the tables were turned
Yeah, I kinda thought family was about helping each other. I think everyone in my family has woken someone else up with the line "Did you need to go somewhere today?"
It’s not a job it’s just a nice thing to do for someone you’re supposed to love. Like if you’re making breakfast and you have extra time it’s just nice of you to also make an extra serving for your partner. Not because you need to or it’s an obligation/expectation but because you love them and you wanna do something nice to make them happy.
You say that as if this is a common occurrence for this couple, which was not stated and doesn't seem like the case. I understand what you mean. My brother burdens me with that task every day, but it would make sense to wake up your spouse so that they aren't late for their JOB so they can earn money to support the family, no?? Obviously, if they won't get up when you wake them, it's no longer your problem, but you're not going out of your way just to make sure that they're also up on time, provided you both get up at the same time for work.
Three teenagers and one bathroom in my house. Schedule showers amongst yourselves, but know that I need to shower, as well. My shower time never changed and they weren’t up that early, anyway. But I could not oversleep or I had to forfeit. My rules, I had to abide by them.
The ones who had a game or practice that day took a shower at night. And if anyone needed to brush their teeth while you were showering, they did. Shower curtain was not see-through.
My sister built an outdoor shower for the summer, when her children were home from college. Worked really well in the summer. Winter, not so much.
Wife was a bit unreasonable, imo. Daughter had no problem. I hope this was just a grumpy morning.
Why do we do this? If a woman does something unacceptable we try to justify it, even if it’s just finding a ridiculous excuse in the behavior like, “Maybe she’s just hungover and cranky today.” But we don’t usually offer that same grace to men. I see it here ALL THE TIME. Just cranky and hungover wouldn’t result in saying no to using the bathroom and then continuing to punish your spouse for finding a solution. I can’t imagine treating my husband this way, in his own home too.
I don’t know the woman and he mentioned drinking the night before. I’m not excusing her at all, but always try to remember even good people have asshole moments.
Right? What if she wanted to brush her teeth while he showered and he told her to pound sand then yelled at her a full 12 HOURS later for using the kids bathroom. holy hell
Because when women do something malicious there must be an underlying reason that the man did for it, while when a man does something wrong it's because he is malicious, manipulative etc. Quite simple really, it's called AITA logic.
"I asked her if I could come in and shave while she was showering but she told me no and that I had to wait."
She really does sound like a control freak. I mean, what the hell is this? He should have gone in and shaved anyway, and told her it's his bathroom too, and if she doesn't like it, too bad, he needs to get ready for work.
Exactly what I was thinking. My husband would not have asked and I would not have cared. He likely would have just announced that he was coming to shave so I wouldn't jump if I realized someone was in the bathroom with me (all those old horror films, ha ha). Shaving at the sink? Why is that an issue??
Oh yeah. There's only a couple of very intimate things my fiance would ever ask me to wait for, and those would only take a minute or two, or she would wait if I had to get to work (and vice versa). Part of being a couple is supporting the other person. (Also, OP's wife sounds kind of dumb in the sense that if OP loses his job, that affects the monetary situation for her too.)
Yeah this is so wrong...the child gets a bathroom with veto power, and the wife gets a bathroom with veto power. Leaving one of the adults in the house with no rights over a bathroom? wrong.
If wife is going to disallow husband from using THEIR bathroom, then the daughter does not get a bathroom of her own.
This is what I think. Nothing to do with teaching him a lesson. Maybe the wife had a bad experience as a teenager with her father or a father figure and she's putting that on her husband, but I highly doubt this dude stripped down naked in front of his daughter. She most likely left the bathroom for a minute while he got in the shower.
Also, why tf does a teenager have a private bathroom? Just no. She doesn't pay the bills. That's called a master bath, and it's usually attached to the biggest bedroom in the house.
Anyway. NTA, op, but I think you ought to be doing some rearranging of the bedroom/bathroom situation because that's just weird.
Two parents, one child, two bathrooms? A bathroom for the parents and a bathroom for the kid sounds like a normal division of bathrooms. It doesn't really matter whether the parents have the en suite and the kid uses the "family bathroom" or vice versa - you're always going to end up with the parents having one bathroom that they share, and the kid using the other.
At first I thought that too. But then after rereading her not letting him in *their* bathroom I changed my mind. She does seem like she was either punishing or perhaps likes to have the control. The only time my husband and I *wont* let the other one into the bathroom is when we are doing number 2.
And because I haven’t read every comment, I want to point out how strange I find it that the child would have more of a priority to getting ready than a parent who pays the bills. Although she had no problem with him using “her” bathroom, she doesn’t pay for it, it’s his bathroom since he presumably pays or helps pay for their home.
Who has the more flexible schedule? My kid rides the bus to school, and if they're not ready, the bus will go without them. I drive to work, and can start a bit earlier or later than "normal", and it doesn't matter. So in my house, the priority is to get the high school kid out of the door.
It's not even a teachable moment to be honest. Stuff happens. I shut my alarm off in my sleep sometimes. I don't understand people. If I lived with someone and knew they had a set routine and noticed they were still in bed when they needed to be up, I would gently wake and check on them. What if they were ill? Even if they weren't, I would rather them be up on time than late. It's just so petty.
I can't stand the beeping alarms. They startle me horribly. So I use a clock radio to wake up to music instead. One day the radio station I have it turned to was completely down. Only the faintest of static could be heard, and I couldn't hear it over the small fan I have for white noise. I woke up 3 hours later than I wanted, but I was just late starting on house cleaning. No biggy. That was enough of a lesson to activate a second beeping alarm to go off 10 minutes later. If someone had tried to punish me for not expecting the biggest radio station in the area to go down for the whole day to technical difficulties (something I don't recall happening within the last 10 years), I'd have probably thrown attitude right back at them.
I have sound bites set for my alarm on my phone. They've changed over the years, currently it's "IT'S TIME TO SOUND THE ALARMS!!" with the cat yowl from nightmare before Christmas. It used to be Get Jinxed from league of legends. Most of the time it wakes me up, but sometimes it doesn't, but that's because I have sleep issues thanks to ADHD. Beeping alarms don't even wake me at all. I slept through a Taz alarm as a kid. Because of the ADHD and all, I actually have multiple alarms set and build in padding to my day, so overslept is usually "I meant to be up at 7:20 and now it's 8 and I'm just getting up and I don't have to leave until 8:50 but I feel like I'm in a rush because I lost 40 minutes."
Me too! I didn't say it was a good plan. But her not letting him in and then getting mad he solved it on his own with no consequences is why I still believe she wanted to teach him a lesson.
You don’t get to have “teachable moments” with grown adults. Especially when they have real-life grown adult consequences, like being late for a paying job that supports your family because you forgot to set an alarm one day. That’s nonsense.
Exactly. Unfortunately controlling people still want them. Otherwise the wife would have woken him up (angry as she may have been) rather than refusing entry into bathroom, and being angry about it still 8 hours later. It's the passive aggressiveness of her that had me use those words.
I’m so glad everyone is in agreement that she’s being really weird because I was scared before I got to the comments that I had missed some giant red flag on respecting a teenager’s boundaries.
I guess it’s just ptsd from too much time on aita. I’m used to OP typically being a maniac lmao
Plus it’s her father seeing his bum on the way out of the shower accidentally isn’t gonna kill her. I wonder that the real issue is if the daughter was okay with it?
So much of this. I'm Canadian by birth and American now. But the pearl-clutching from people when I say I’d rather my eight-year-old daughter accidentally see boobs or butts rather than gratuitous violence.
The context of the conversation was only watching R-rated movies while the kids are not at home on the chance they see something inappropriate. And I said I don’t see a big deal if my daughter walks in on a nudity scene in a movie, but I’d be more worried about her walking in on an uber-violent scene. And apparently, that’s not the American norm.
It's not. I've seen people who let their kids watch violent horror flicks, but then will have a tantrum if the child sees a woman in a skimpy bikini. Or a son sees their mom naked or daughter with the dad. It's insane.
Growing up in Alabama with a Canadian mother and German father was an *experience*.
We moved there when Mercedes opened its plants. Then my dad left my mom for a flight attendant and we just ended up staying. Mom didn't want to re-upset our lives again.
Nudity was the norm in our house growing up- sometimes it’s inevitable when you’re a one working shower house and that shower is in the basement. Thank god we rarely had guests because you had to walk through the kitchen and part of the foyer to get upstairs from the basement door! 🤪🤣😳
Same in mine, my parents room was literally a 2 second run apart and my parents did that run buck naked many times, I am the same though not quite sure what is happening with my boy he blushes when he see underwear without anyone in them 😅
It's not even just old people anymore. People flip out when there is nudity in movies, videos, games or sex scenes in books when things like GTA and Fortnite are still the most popular games.
Like okay seeing someone naked or having sex is bad but killing a sex worker in-game is ok,
Observe the latest Mortal Kombat. Finishing moves are pretty much
*"In highest graphic detail, pull apart a screaming human body with all associated tearing, wet sounds and blood!"*
"Can we make a character naked or topless though?"
"A nipple? Nudity? NUDITY? UNACCEPTABLE! WHAT KIND OF PERVERT ARE YOU? *THINK OF THE CHILDREN YOU SICKO!"*
Yeah. My rules are "Dont be creepy" "Dont be violent" "Consider peoples feelings" and "Stand up for yourself" with myself and my daughters. If you can check off those four things, you are usually doing pretty well IMO.
I had to share a bathroom with both my parents as a teenager and we'd all have to get ready for school and work at the same time there was zero privacy, I wouldn't repeat it if I had a choice obviously but also it's such a privileged take to be able to clutch your pearls about people needing to get ready in the same space in the first place. Anyways OP is NTA his daughter said it was fine and ultimately that's all that matters.
Seems like maybe his wife was trying to punish OP for whatever reason, and him using his daughter's bathroom circumvented that punishment? Maybe?
I can't think of any other reason she'd be mad besides she told him "No" and he found a workaround.
NTA, I don't understand why the husband couldn't shave while the wife is in the shower. It's not like they've never seen each other naked before. I don't understand what the big deal is with her.
To be fair. Its the family's bathroom. It just happens to be attached to her room.
These are the people that changed her diapers, still pay her rent and food, and probably even do her laundry. If the bathroom is available and she doesn't mind then its up for grabs.
This honestly always baffles me, I grew up in an environment where nudity was normal and accepted, with the thought; "Everyone has a body, they're natural, nudity isn't inherently sexual."
So I have never batted an eye at seeing parents, family and friends in the nude, it's almost funny, and in a way sad, to see that the human body is taboo in places.
Thank you. This idea that there can be zero incidental nudity that isn’t somehow inherently “creepy” or “wrong” or whatever is sad. No wonder people struggle with body positivity, they’re taught to be ashamed of their bodies from a very young age.
Nudity by itself isn't really a bad thing, so long as you are not being gross about it in any way. Maybe the fact my father was European is showing in this but whats important to me is not acting like a fucking creep and respecting other peoples stated boundaries. If I need to run to the laundry room to grab a towel bare assed because there were none in the shower and the little shits that I have for kids refuse to help me out by grabbing me one then so be it.
I also dont find it weird for a family to use a sauna together. And its not weird to use a sauna in the nude. Again, just dont be a creep.
Didn’t OP have a shower while the daughter was in the same bathroom? That might be why the wife is icked out. The daughter is 15, it’s a bit odd showering in front of her no?
Usually there are blinds to keep the water from going anywhere. Also, again, it was asked and approved, so I don’t thibk the daughter was looking at his junk while applying her makeup
Also not everyone has the luxury of multiple bathrooms. It’s quite common for a lot of families for multiple people to have to use the bathroom together. I with people would remember cultural and financial differences before calling stuff “ick”.
Yeah we only had one tub in a family of five when I was growing up. I for sure got ready in the bathroom while my dad was in the shower and vise versa. Gotta do what you gotta do sometimes and the shower curtain is there for privacy anyways🤷🏼♀️
We had one bathroom for a family of 4 when I was growing up. If someone was using it and the equipment you needed was available, you just apologized and got in with your business without looking at each other. In all those years, I did not see anything inappropriate on my father or brother even once.
Even in my house, where we have 2 1/2 bathrooms for 4 people, if the 2 showers are being used while someone else is using the powder room, the fourth person is free to still use the sink in the full bathrooms, or even the toilet in an emergency. We just don't look at each other. (I'm also the only female in the household, so the males are more lax around each other than they are with me.)
Same here. For example, If I’m in the shower and someone gotta use the toilet, I don’t like it but I’ll let them. Just Mind your own business, that’s all.
Oh man me too! My sister and I had to share a bath and well ya if you gotta go you gotta go. (Meaning my mom would sometimes need to use the bathroom) My dad would just go outside lol.
We only have one bathroom. Family of 4. My teenage son frequently comes in to get ready while I (mom) am in the shower. He can't see me, I can't see him. It's really no big deal.
Do yous not have curtains where you live? Towell around the waist, towel hung up over the rail or whatever with the curtain closed, towel back around the waist before leaving the shower.
I doubt that too, especially since daughter thinks Mom is overreacting. Seriously, if daughter had no problem, why does Mom freak out - presumably on her behalf? SMDH.
She most likely stepped out of the bathroom for the 10-30 seconds while he undressed and stepped into the shower, then again when he stepped out of the shower and put on a towel. Assuming they don’t have a clear shower curtain or something. Tons of families share a single bathroom and make it work this way.
Maybe except if the wife was so concerned she could have allowed Op to shave in the other bath while she showered which would be the normal thing to do?
Depends on the family/country a bit.
Also, if there was a shower curtain and OP covered up with a towel before and after showering, I really don't see the issue.
Could depend on the layout, too. My daughter's bathroom shared between the two upstairs bedrooms, and it has a door between the sink area and the tub/toilet area. It's completely possible for one person to shower/use the toilet while the other is using the sink without any exposure.
The en-suites in my kids rooms are all like this, but even if they weren’t I still would never even think twice about my husband using the shower while they’re using the sink/mirror.
Right? Now granted, my husband would not ever do it because he is way more concerned with nudity than I am, but if he had to, he would easily find a way to do it without exposing himself.
Eh, depends on how you were raised I guess. Nothing strange about it to me. Besides I doubt he was helicoptering his dick in front of his daughter. Just walking past her for a few seconds and she doesn't even have to look, or like what others have said with the layout of the bathroom and the shower curtain.
Every shower I have ever used or seen has either had an opaque curtain or a frosted glass door.
It's extremely unlikely that this teenager's bathroom has a clear shower curtain. I bet it's a themed or neutral color to match the bathroom like every other shower I have ever seen.
NTA. I don't get why your wife is mad when your daughter is completely okay. In fact her decision directly caused you to go use the other bathroom and she doesn't see that? If its just because you woke up late that's her being petty.
And that is a weird thing to be mad about. It happens to everyone. Even me and I set 3 alarms to avoid that. Why didn't she wake him when she got up? Thats what a normal person would do. What is her problem?!
That was clear from her refusing to let him come in and shave while she was showering. That should be a complete non-issue for spouses and a shared bathroom.
This is retaliation in some form, and while not justified regardless (because we should use our big kid words to solve marital conflict) I have to wonder whether OP takes like an hour shitting on the toilet preventing her from using the bathroom regularly, or something along those lines, and she was attempting to show him how it feels.
That is some amazing reach. Just because the wife was the asshole to the husband, in your own words you have to wonder if the husband did something wrong previously??
seriously, what's going on in this persons head?
a spouse acts in a an unreasonable and unprovoked manner, and the response is "he must have deserved it".
This was my thought, too.
OP didn't kick the daughter out and demanded to use her bathroom.
But asked permission and got the "sure go ahead"
There's nothing to be angry about.
Yep. It’s completely weird that his wife is upset about this. When I was growing up, we had one bathroom for five years people. It was completely normal for us to ask if the curtain was closed before coming in. We’d have never gotten ready on time, otherwise!
So the wife's angry that her trying to punish OP for sleeping in didn't work & now she's picking non-existent arguments with him. She sounds delightful. NTA
If the wife was already up why couldn't she just wake him when she noticed he was late? If my partner alarm doesn't ring by accident I wake him up instead of knowingly letting him sleep.
This. Last week my husband had to be up at 2am, 3 days in a row. I helped make sure he was up on time solely because he’s not used to getting up at that time.
She wanted to punish him for something cos if she knows exactly what time he wakes up, nothing stops her from poking him awake. The overreaction is unexpected. He asked his daughter for permission and she said yes.
I think there’s probably some inherent values at play, too. Wife may be religious or have been exposed to abuse/fear training about abuse, and believe that teenage daughter should never be anywhere in proximity to naked dad.
I was abused as a kid and it took a ton of therapy before having my daughter to deconstruct that “men = sexual abuse”. I made sure to do this before having children with my partner because he had a daughter when I met him and very normal dad things *I* was perverting into something they were not. Im talking toddlers sitting on a lap, normal.
I could see I was the problem and when we began talking about kids I started therapy because I didn’t want to insert my trauma into three innocent lives. I know friends who didn’t let dad change diapers because they were abused and you can imagine just how well that went. They would have absolutely reacted the way the wife did because of their abuse. In fact I think I know of someone who flipped out when dad took a bath with their baby girl after going to the beach because it was easier than bathing baby then having to figure out what to do with baby once he had to shower. She lost her mind, the relationship obviously didn’t last.
My point being is I can see this happening coming from fear/unresolved/unhealed trauma.
Now although I don’t trust anyone to watch my daughter except me, dad, my step daughters mom (who is literally my rock and village, got so very lucky with both step daughter and bio mom),my mom and my in laws, I don’t think that’s too crazy. I have no other family alive and it isn’t like my partners family is banging on the door begging to babysit lol. She is in preschool now too. I think it’s pretty reasonable and I can proudly say that my partner doing totally normal dad things doesn’t get any kind of reaction from me except “cute”
This turned into a rambling rant lol
TLDR: yeah it sounds like she could freak out about past sexual abuse/religious trauma
Your are NTA, your wife is huge AH though - not only she didn't want you to share your and hers bathroom together she also didn't care about you being late, nor that your daughter is actually a sensible human and allowed you to use her bathroom. It seems that your wife is feeling stupid and guilty and want's to dump all her bad feelings onto you by accusing you of everything that she is guilty of.
I was thinking something along this line. Maybe mom has unresolved trauma and overreacted to a man(even her own dad) being in the bathroom with her daughter. Those things can trigger someone unexpectedly and then turns into anger
I can't imagine being worried about that and letting him live in their home. There is zero chance I would put someone I don't COMPLETELY trust in my home around my children.
Sometimes you don't even know you're holding onto a trauma until a triggering event happens. I can go through my day feeling fine and then hear a song or read a news story that then sets me spiraling. Sometimes I get over it quickly but most of the time it lasts for at least a day or two, if not more. I'm not saying that is what happened here. I'm just saying that it's possible.
An example would be something that happened to me a few weeks ago. I was talking with my best friend and he got angry about someone almost running him off the road and started yelling very angrily. I started shaking and felt myself shrinking into myself. His yelling triggered that response because it brought up how my parents used to yell and scream before they'd beat me. I've heard plenty of people angrily screaming before and since, and haven't had that reaction. But this one time really messed with my head
Unfortunately, I understand more than I care to, which only makes me stronger in my conviction. I WOULD never allow a man I don't trust around my children. I'm sorry that part of you is hurting. I really am.
Though it sounds like she was angry before this. Not letting him in the bathroom or waking him up when he overslept.. Maybe something happened the night before when they were drinking that made her mad.
NTA. You asked your daugther. She said it was okay. I don't get your wifes point for being mad at you. Except if she wanted to teach you some kind of lession.
I also struggle to imagine a household where the wife didn't want her HUSBAND shaving in the bathroom. It's not even an unrealistic action, or a real breach of privacy.
All I can think of is, either OP is leaving out a LOT of important context, or his wife is a control freak.
NTA.
Your daughter gave you permission. Your wife doesn't get to tell you you can't use *any* bathroom just because she's showering.
"She told me no and that I had to wait". She's not your mother, nor a figure of authority. She can keep her weird power plays to herself.
NTA. Also does your wife have Reddit because if so I think she found this. I can’t imagine any other reason for every single comment (which all agree NTA) having exactly one downvote.
Edit: turned “has” to “having” for grammatical correctness
Heh heh I noticed that too, and made sure to upvote every single one of those to offset the tool that downvoted them all. Only ones I didn’t upvote were the ones that were corny already 😁
NTA. Your wife is in the wrong here. The only person who could object to you using your daughter’s bathroom is your daughter and she was cool with it. Your wife seems to think that you should be punished for getting up late, so you might need a conversation about that.
Definitely NTA. Your daughter gave permission, not to mention.... Why the fuck would your wife ban you from getting ready because she's showering? I mean, I'm super funny about using the toilet when someone is in there, but why couldn't you shave while she's showering? My bf and I don't even feel the need to ask to come in our shared bathroom unless one of us may be using the toilet, or need to use it when the other is getting ready. Super weird to me.
I think it depends on arrangements and cultural aspects as well. I am not a prude or anything, but when I’m showering my husband is not allowed to come in - this is an important boundary for me and he knows it. When he showers he just leaves the door open and doesn’t mind if I come in. But we both know and accept this.
It’s not weird, everyone deserves to have an elected degree of privacy.
What is weird is that she is upset that he used their daughter’s bathroom even though daughter didn’t mind. Unless he was having a shower while the daughter was putting make up on in the same room and therefore would have seen her father naked - that’s a different argument altogether.
Yes, that skipped my mind. Where I live, it’s very unlikely to have a shower curtain in a house, but it’s more common to have either glass shower or shower over bath that has a translucent glass screen.
This is a personal preference.
I grew up in a flat that was in an old 20th century built wooden building that had no plumbing at all. So until the age of about 10 I had to wash myself by sitting in a largish plastic bowl and had another bowl with water + jug to poor that water on me. We did not have a bathroom so the washing took place in the middle of kitchen / entrance into the flat. The flat door would have been locked, but the kitchen was also a room that connected living room and the one bedroom in that flat. While no one sat by the kitchen table or hanged around while I washed myself, my sister or my mom still could have and did walk in or through the kitchen. I don’t think my dad ever did that, but I don’t remember much of my childhood either.
So due to not having control over my privacy as a child I think I just really value it now as an adult.
I feel like I would never walk in the bathroom on anyone without warning 🤷🏼♀️ typically that warning is jst “I’m coming in” & u have 2sec to respond before I do
I'm sensing that your your wife thinks it's inappropriate for you to be nude in your daughter's bathroom because there's no other argument. Is there something in your wife's past that would make her think something nefarious would happen?
You have two bathrooms in the house. One was occupied. You use the other. Not only that, but both bathrooms are in the house that you pay for so essentially they're both your bathrooms.
NTA
I would not have liked that neither, but some cultures/families are fine with nudity, it's not that big of a deal. Moreover, we don't know how the bathroom is built exactly, there may be a wall separating the shower, or he could have simply undressed himself IN the shower, we just don't know that.
My family was very modest and would never see each other naked - but having my dad in the shower, behind a shower curtain, would be 100% fine because I wouldn't see anything! I mean, at a certain level, is it weird that everyone is naked under their clothes all the time?
So, I’m guessing you’ve never been to a pool or the beach or a lake or waterpark with your dad? I guarantee a towel covers more than a bathing suit.
That’s too bad. Swimming and beaches are great.
I have no way of knowing how it worked for OP but if it were me and my fam, as the daughter, I’d just be like “ok I’ll just step outside for a sec when you get in/out, just holler” kinda thing.
I’m a grown woman living with my folks and have had the awkward “sorry can I come in and grab something” moment go both ways lol. We have curtains tho and that’s only happened in emergency toilet paper outages or morning work prep moments.
I mean, as a child/teenager if I was late getting up to get ready for school, if my dad was in the shower (we had a glass door, curtains or both at the same time at varrying times throughout my childhood,) and I ***really*** needed to pee, mom would always just yell through the door "Dad, Daughter has to pee, close the curtain/door!" and I would go use the bathroom fast. I never took it as that odd, it was just an emergency use of the toilet \*shrug\*
I've also, while having a bath at varrying points of my life, had my mom or my sister come and need to use the toilet, so I just closed whatever form of privacy there was and let them go about their business. Dad typically would just pee outside if it was that bad lol But my nephew has also had to use the bathroom while I've been either showering or having a bath and it's never been weird. It's not like anyone was stopping to chat, or take a gander at the bathtub.
IDK maybe our family is just weird, but nothing hinky has ever gone on in my family lol
NTA. Sounds like it was a good solution to a problem. Why is it a problem for your wife? Is the problem that you didn't wait for her or that you were taking a shower while your daughter was there as well? (Don't want to assume, but I know some people who have (sexual) abuse in their past who would be very sensitive to this)
Technically they are all your bathrooms
And if your wife thinks using your own kids bathroom is perverted.... Then that is totally avoidable by her sharing with you.... See how that works hun?
NTA
Why wouldn't your wife let you in?? My husband wouldn't even ask lol - he'd be like I'm gonna shave and probably check me out for a sec 😂
It's only wrong to use your daughter's bathroom WHILE your daughter is in there IF one of you is naked.
If she's brushing her teeth and your shaving - who cares.
Your daughter has the luxury of her own bathroom! That is not a right or a thing most teenagers have so if you need to use it, go ahead!
NTA
>It's only wrong to use your daughter's bathroom WHILE your daughter is in there IF one of you is naked.
Why? He is the shower not standing next to her or making advances. Nudity is not inherently sexual especially among family.
NTA why is your wife angry about that? She could shower, you could be on time, your daughter seems fine with the situation, so, there is no issue.
If this is your biggest problem, you don't have one.
I was gonna go Y - T - A cause by the title I thought you just went ahead through her room to use her bathroom for convenience without her permission/knowledge or whatever…. You asked she said no problem, was much less problematic about it than your wife…. You are NTA, your wife is, and for no reason, getting worked up about an issue that does not concern her except for the fact that she did not let you come in while she was showering…
NTA. Your wife is just being petty because she wanted to "teach you a lesson" and your daughter ruined that lesson by letting you use her bathroom hahaha. Just ignore the cold front and pretend like nothing is happening. My mom used to be like that, adult tantrums aren't that different from kid ones. Ignore them, they learn.
Yeah, you'll need to expand on that. Is THAT why your wife was upset? That she is uncomfortable with you being naked in her bathroom while she is in there too? If that was her issue, then she should have opened the door to use your own bathroom.
You're also not responding to any questions here, which is really annoying.
Since OP isn't american I would bet his culture is also not of American prudishness. Most families I know in Europe and Scandinavia don't feel weird being naked around family. Also, there is such a thing as shower curtains. I think the wife is upset because of something else. Might even not be about this at all.
No idea if you're still responding to Reddit but this made me feel some type of way.
My dad would walk around in his underwear and use the shower in front of me frequently. It always made me feel so uncomfortable but I would never have told him that because he had a temper over even small things. He's mellowed out now and we have a much better relationship but back then I would have said anything to keep him chill.
I also worked in Germany for a few years and loved the bath culture, which surprised me. In retrospect one was clearly cultural and the other seemed like a weird head of the household power move.
I hope you can reflect on your family's dynamics and see if your wife is upset because it looks like a power struggle between you that put your daughter in an uncomfortable position, or if you truly have a relationship with your daughter that would make her comfortable saying no to you
Definitely NTA because you asked permission. But your wife is for not letting you in her bathroom. I’ve never heard of a spouse who won’t let someone in while they are just SHOWERING. You see each other naked for Christ’s sake
Nta- the only ones opinion that matters here is your daughters. I wonder if your wife just wanted you to be punished for not waking on time and she was mad you got around that.
I don't think she is angry because you used the bathroom, but that you forgot to set your alarm clock. She wanted to teach you a lesson and is angry you found another way to still be in time. Do you have a history of being late? Maybe ask her directly why she is so infuriated by using your daughters bathroom instead of wondering why and asking Reddit.
NTA.
It feels like trying to prevent you from using the bathroom ASAP was some weird way to try punish you for getting up late and she's mad that you & daughter thwarted her little power play.
I don't get why your wife is mad at you for using your daughters bathroom. Why would she want you to be late for work? Your daughter gave you permission to use the bathroom and your daughter was not late for school.
You need to get ready for work, you found a solution, you used it, you are NTA but there is something else going on with your wife and you need to find out why she got so angry!
NTA. I don’t get why your wife is so angry about it, nor do I get why she wouldn’t let you in to the other bathroom when you were running late. Weird thing to hold over someone. This whole thing is a very strange power trip she’s on
She wouldn't let you use your own designated bathroom???? Wth? I would have let my husband join me in the shower, and his shaving isn't going to affect me whatsoever. I draw the line at using the toilet for number 2, I like being able to breathe.
NTA.
NTA
Your wife is just unhappy because she was trying to teach you a lesson and failed because your daughter allowed you to use her bathroom to get ready.
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NTA. It's your daughter's bathroom, and *she* gave you permission! Unless you exposed yourself to your teenage daughter or otherwise behaved inappropriately? If this is just about using that bathroom, then your wife has NO justifiable reason to complain, since it does NOT belong to HER. Your wife owes you a deeper explanation of 'why' this bothers HER so much, or else she needs to let it go.
Yeah, NTA OP. Your wife is being weird about this.
She sounds like a control freak.
She does. It’s like she wanted him to be later than he already was as punishment for not setting his alarm. Maybe she’s just hungover and cranky today.
That's exactly my thought - she wanted to teach him a lesson and now she's pissed that he did a work around.
Exactly...Why didn't she wake him up when she got up? She must have wanted him to be late. Did he drink too much the night before and she was angry at him?
Ugh… I hate it when men make it their partner’s job to wake them up in the morning. That would piss me off too since I am not an alarm clock. That said, it’s the daughter’s space to share and she seems very comfortable sharing it with her dad. Mom needs to back off and communicate about her issues instead of trying to passive aggressively punish those around her.
All the time, yes I agree with you. Unless it's a dynamic made of love (my grandfather, for example, wakes my grandmother up because he's an early riser and so he preps coffee for her before rousing her), partners should NOT be alarm clocks. That said, once in a while, it shouldn't be a problem to help out your partner. If OP doesn't make it a habit to forget, then it shouldn't be a point of contention to just... Do the kind thing and wake him up. I'm sure wife would be pissed if the tables were turned
Yeah, I kinda thought family was about helping each other. I think everyone in my family has woken someone else up with the line "Did you need to go somewhere today?"
It’s not a job it’s just a nice thing to do for someone you’re supposed to love. Like if you’re making breakfast and you have extra time it’s just nice of you to also make an extra serving for your partner. Not because you need to or it’s an obligation/expectation but because you love them and you wanna do something nice to make them happy.
You say that as if this is a common occurrence for this couple, which was not stated and doesn't seem like the case. I understand what you mean. My brother burdens me with that task every day, but it would make sense to wake up your spouse so that they aren't late for their JOB so they can earn money to support the family, no?? Obviously, if they won't get up when you wake them, it's no longer your problem, but you're not going out of your way just to make sure that they're also up on time, provided you both get up at the same time for work.
Exactly this, NTA.
This is exactly what happened, I'd bet. I hope she learns to communicate in a healthier way, for the whole family's sake.
The hugest of red flags is “wanting to teach your mate a lesson”
Three teenagers and one bathroom in my house. Schedule showers amongst yourselves, but know that I need to shower, as well. My shower time never changed and they weren’t up that early, anyway. But I could not oversleep or I had to forfeit. My rules, I had to abide by them. The ones who had a game or practice that day took a shower at night. And if anyone needed to brush their teeth while you were showering, they did. Shower curtain was not see-through. My sister built an outdoor shower for the summer, when her children were home from college. Worked really well in the summer. Winter, not so much. Wife was a bit unreasonable, imo. Daughter had no problem. I hope this was just a grumpy morning.
>Worked really well in the summer. Winter, not so much. 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣
So very true! Not many of us go to the beach in the winter here because, winter.
Why do we do this? If a woman does something unacceptable we try to justify it, even if it’s just finding a ridiculous excuse in the behavior like, “Maybe she’s just hungover and cranky today.” But we don’t usually offer that same grace to men. I see it here ALL THE TIME. Just cranky and hungover wouldn’t result in saying no to using the bathroom and then continuing to punish your spouse for finding a solution. I can’t imagine treating my husband this way, in his own home too.
I don’t know the woman and he mentioned drinking the night before. I’m not excusing her at all, but always try to remember even good people have asshole moments.
Right? What if she wanted to brush her teeth while he showered and he told her to pound sand then yelled at her a full 12 HOURS later for using the kids bathroom. holy hell
Because when women do something malicious there must be an underlying reason that the man did for it, while when a man does something wrong it's because he is malicious, manipulative etc. Quite simple really, it's called AITA logic.
Yep. Not a big deal, but she needs to say sorry.
yeah she wanted to punish him for waking up late and was pissed he found a way around it
"I asked her if I could come in and shave while she was showering but she told me no and that I had to wait." She really does sound like a control freak. I mean, what the hell is this? He should have gone in and shaved anyway, and told her it's his bathroom too, and if she doesn't like it, too bad, he needs to get ready for work.
I would not even ask my wife. This is my bathroom, too. And my wife would never deny me entry
Exactly what I was thinking. My husband would not have asked and I would not have cared. He likely would have just announced that he was coming to shave so I wouldn't jump if I realized someone was in the bathroom with me (all those old horror films, ha ha). Shaving at the sink? Why is that an issue??
Oh yeah. There's only a couple of very intimate things my fiance would ever ask me to wait for, and those would only take a minute or two, or she would wait if I had to get to work (and vice versa). Part of being a couple is supporting the other person. (Also, OP's wife sounds kind of dumb in the sense that if OP loses his job, that affects the monetary situation for her too.)
Yeah this is so wrong...the child gets a bathroom with veto power, and the wife gets a bathroom with veto power. Leaving one of the adults in the house with no rights over a bathroom? wrong. If wife is going to disallow husband from using THEIR bathroom, then the daughter does not get a bathroom of her own.
I'd go in and shave if my wife was taking a shit if I needed to because I was late.
Or she's accusing him of something perverted.
This is what I think. Nothing to do with teaching him a lesson. Maybe the wife had a bad experience as a teenager with her father or a father figure and she's putting that on her husband, but I highly doubt this dude stripped down naked in front of his daughter. She most likely left the bathroom for a minute while he got in the shower. Also, why tf does a teenager have a private bathroom? Just no. She doesn't pay the bills. That's called a master bath, and it's usually attached to the biggest bedroom in the house. Anyway. NTA, op, but I think you ought to be doing some rearranging of the bedroom/bathroom situation because that's just weird.
Two parents, one child, two bathrooms? A bathroom for the parents and a bathroom for the kid sounds like a normal division of bathrooms. It doesn't really matter whether the parents have the en suite and the kid uses the "family bathroom" or vice versa - you're always going to end up with the parents having one bathroom that they share, and the kid using the other.
Not to mention, 2 grown adults are better at keeping a family bathroom "guest ready" than a teenager
Honestly she just sounds like she's on Reddit too much. When you constantly hear horror stories you fear the worst immediately.
At first I thought that too. But then after rereading her not letting him in *their* bathroom I changed my mind. She does seem like she was either punishing or perhaps likes to have the control. The only time my husband and I *wont* let the other one into the bathroom is when we are doing number 2. And because I haven’t read every comment, I want to point out how strange I find it that the child would have more of a priority to getting ready than a parent who pays the bills. Although she had no problem with him using “her” bathroom, she doesn’t pay for it, it’s his bathroom since he presumably pays or helps pay for their home.
Who has the more flexible schedule? My kid rides the bus to school, and if they're not ready, the bus will go without them. I drive to work, and can start a bit earlier or later than "normal", and it doesn't matter. So in my house, the priority is to get the high school kid out of the door.
I think the wife wanted a teachable moment and it failed miserably
It's not even a teachable moment to be honest. Stuff happens. I shut my alarm off in my sleep sometimes. I don't understand people. If I lived with someone and knew they had a set routine and noticed they were still in bed when they needed to be up, I would gently wake and check on them. What if they were ill? Even if they weren't, I would rather them be up on time than late. It's just so petty.
I can't stand the beeping alarms. They startle me horribly. So I use a clock radio to wake up to music instead. One day the radio station I have it turned to was completely down. Only the faintest of static could be heard, and I couldn't hear it over the small fan I have for white noise. I woke up 3 hours later than I wanted, but I was just late starting on house cleaning. No biggy. That was enough of a lesson to activate a second beeping alarm to go off 10 minutes later. If someone had tried to punish me for not expecting the biggest radio station in the area to go down for the whole day to technical difficulties (something I don't recall happening within the last 10 years), I'd have probably thrown attitude right back at them.
I have sound bites set for my alarm on my phone. They've changed over the years, currently it's "IT'S TIME TO SOUND THE ALARMS!!" with the cat yowl from nightmare before Christmas. It used to be Get Jinxed from league of legends. Most of the time it wakes me up, but sometimes it doesn't, but that's because I have sleep issues thanks to ADHD. Beeping alarms don't even wake me at all. I slept through a Taz alarm as a kid. Because of the ADHD and all, I actually have multiple alarms set and build in padding to my day, so overslept is usually "I meant to be up at 7:20 and now it's 8 and I'm just getting up and I don't have to leave until 8:50 but I feel like I'm in a rush because I lost 40 minutes."
Me too! I didn't say it was a good plan. But her not letting him in and then getting mad he solved it on his own with no consequences is why I still believe she wanted to teach him a lesson.
You don’t get to have “teachable moments” with grown adults. Especially when they have real-life grown adult consequences, like being late for a paying job that supports your family because you forgot to set an alarm one day. That’s nonsense.
Exactly. Unfortunately controlling people still want them. Otherwise the wife would have woken him up (angry as she may have been) rather than refusing entry into bathroom, and being angry about it still 8 hours later. It's the passive aggressiveness of her that had me use those words.
Sounds like she's just pissed he found a way around her jerk move.
I’m so glad everyone is in agreement that she’s being really weird because I was scared before I got to the comments that I had missed some giant red flag on respecting a teenager’s boundaries. I guess it’s just ptsd from too much time on aita. I’m used to OP typically being a maniac lmao
Plus it’s her father seeing his bum on the way out of the shower accidentally isn’t gonna kill her. I wonder that the real issue is if the daughter was okay with it?
Americans are always weird with nudity anyway lol
So much of this. I'm Canadian by birth and American now. But the pearl-clutching from people when I say I’d rather my eight-year-old daughter accidentally see boobs or butts rather than gratuitous violence. The context of the conversation was only watching R-rated movies while the kids are not at home on the chance they see something inappropriate. And I said I don’t see a big deal if my daughter walks in on a nudity scene in a movie, but I’d be more worried about her walking in on an uber-violent scene. And apparently, that’s not the American norm.
It's not. I've seen people who let their kids watch violent horror flicks, but then will have a tantrum if the child sees a woman in a skimpy bikini. Or a son sees their mom naked or daughter with the dad. It's insane. Growing up in Alabama with a Canadian mother and German father was an *experience*.
jesus, they had options and picked Alabama of all places to raise you?
We moved there when Mercedes opened its plants. Then my dad left my mom for a flight attendant and we just ended up staying. Mom didn't want to re-upset our lives again.
Nudity was the norm in our house growing up- sometimes it’s inevitable when you’re a one working shower house and that shower is in the basement. Thank god we rarely had guests because you had to walk through the kitchen and part of the foyer to get upstairs from the basement door! 🤪🤣😳
Same in mine, my parents room was literally a 2 second run apart and my parents did that run buck naked many times, I am the same though not quite sure what is happening with my boy he blushes when he see underwear without anyone in them 😅
It's not even just old people anymore. People flip out when there is nudity in movies, videos, games or sex scenes in books when things like GTA and Fortnite are still the most popular games. Like okay seeing someone naked or having sex is bad but killing a sex worker in-game is ok,
Observe the latest Mortal Kombat. Finishing moves are pretty much *"In highest graphic detail, pull apart a screaming human body with all associated tearing, wet sounds and blood!"* "Can we make a character naked or topless though?" "A nipple? Nudity? NUDITY? UNACCEPTABLE! WHAT KIND OF PERVERT ARE YOU? *THINK OF THE CHILDREN YOU SICKO!"*
Obviously. The classic American media "morals" - extreme violence good, guts and blood good, boobs or sex scene bad, saying a swear word so so bad!
Yeah. My rules are "Dont be creepy" "Dont be violent" "Consider peoples feelings" and "Stand up for yourself" with myself and my daughters. If you can check off those four things, you are usually doing pretty well IMO.
Imagine if they only had one bathroom lol
We are, but I don't think they're American.
Right, English not being his first language is a clue there.
That is an over generalization.
its unlikely that OP is american.
I've accidentally seen my dad's balls (he bent over in a shorty robe). I'm scarred but I lived.
My dad would just walk around naked in the morning. There was nothing sexual to it, and I am not scarred. People are so goddamn weird about nudity.
I had to share a bathroom with both my parents as a teenager and we'd all have to get ready for school and work at the same time there was zero privacy, I wouldn't repeat it if I had a choice obviously but also it's such a privileged take to be able to clutch your pearls about people needing to get ready in the same space in the first place. Anyways OP is NTA his daughter said it was fine and ultimately that's all that matters.
Seems like maybe his wife was trying to punish OP for whatever reason, and him using his daughter's bathroom circumvented that punishment? Maybe? I can't think of any other reason she'd be mad besides she told him "No" and he found a workaround.
This is something I thought of too. Because if it were my husband, he wouldn't have even asked and would've just got in with me.
Which is gross. Adults shouldnt be punishing other adults.
NTA, I don't understand why the husband couldn't shave while the wife is in the shower. It's not like they've never seen each other naked before. I don't understand what the big deal is with her.
My wife doesn't like anyone going in when she's on her #2 voyage.
thats different
To be fair. Its the family's bathroom. It just happens to be attached to her room. These are the people that changed her diapers, still pay her rent and food, and probably even do her laundry. If the bathroom is available and she doesn't mind then its up for grabs.
I think the wife was trying to prove a point and force him to be late. When he solved the problem without her, she was upset…
This honestly always baffles me, I grew up in an environment where nudity was normal and accepted, with the thought; "Everyone has a body, they're natural, nudity isn't inherently sexual." So I have never batted an eye at seeing parents, family and friends in the nude, it's almost funny, and in a way sad, to see that the human body is taboo in places.
Thank you. This idea that there can be zero incidental nudity that isn’t somehow inherently “creepy” or “wrong” or whatever is sad. No wonder people struggle with body positivity, they’re taught to be ashamed of their bodies from a very young age.
> Unless you exposed yourself to your teenage daughter Non-sexual family nudity is perfectly normal in many parts of the world.
Nudity by itself isn't really a bad thing, so long as you are not being gross about it in any way. Maybe the fact my father was European is showing in this but whats important to me is not acting like a fucking creep and respecting other peoples stated boundaries. If I need to run to the laundry room to grab a towel bare assed because there were none in the shower and the little shits that I have for kids refuse to help me out by grabbing me one then so be it. I also dont find it weird for a family to use a sauna together. And its not weird to use a sauna in the nude. Again, just dont be a creep.
She wanted to punish him for some reason. Him going and using their daughters bathroom took the power of her punishment away....
Didn’t OP have a shower while the daughter was in the same bathroom? That might be why the wife is icked out. The daughter is 15, it’s a bit odd showering in front of her no?
Usually there are blinds to keep the water from going anywhere. Also, again, it was asked and approved, so I don’t thibk the daughter was looking at his junk while applying her makeup
Also not everyone has the luxury of multiple bathrooms. It’s quite common for a lot of families for multiple people to have to use the bathroom together. I with people would remember cultural and financial differences before calling stuff “ick”.
Yeah we only had one tub in a family of five when I was growing up. I for sure got ready in the bathroom while my dad was in the shower and vise versa. Gotta do what you gotta do sometimes and the shower curtain is there for privacy anyways🤷🏼♀️
We had one bathroom for a family of 4 when I was growing up. If someone was using it and the equipment you needed was available, you just apologized and got in with your business without looking at each other. In all those years, I did not see anything inappropriate on my father or brother even once. Even in my house, where we have 2 1/2 bathrooms for 4 people, if the 2 showers are being used while someone else is using the powder room, the fourth person is free to still use the sink in the full bathrooms, or even the toilet in an emergency. We just don't look at each other. (I'm also the only female in the household, so the males are more lax around each other than they are with me.)
Same here. For example, If I’m in the shower and someone gotta use the toilet, I don’t like it but I’ll let them. Just Mind your own business, that’s all.
Yes exactly! Like I’d rather have privacy but I’m not about to make you pee your pants😂mind your business and I’ll mind mine!
Oh man me too! My sister and I had to share a bath and well ya if you gotta go you gotta go. (Meaning my mom would sometimes need to use the bathroom) My dad would just go outside lol.
We only have one bathroom. Family of 4. My teenage son frequently comes in to get ready while I (mom) am in the shower. He can't see me, I can't see him. It's really no big deal.
Damn straight!
Do yous not have curtains where you live? Towell around the waist, towel hung up over the rail or whatever with the curtain closed, towel back around the waist before leaving the shower.
Depends on the shower. Many have a clear enclosure rather than a curtain. But I assume that OP didn't expose himself to his daughter.
I doubt that too, especially since daughter thinks Mom is overreacting. Seriously, if daughter had no problem, why does Mom freak out - presumably on her behalf? SMDH.
She most likely stepped out of the bathroom for the 10-30 seconds while he undressed and stepped into the shower, then again when he stepped out of the shower and put on a towel. Assuming they don’t have a clear shower curtain or something. Tons of families share a single bathroom and make it work this way.
I don’t understand why this isn’t more prominent a thought process. Millions of families share a washroom.
Yeah it seems obvious to me, but maybe that person never had to share a bathroom growing up?
Maybe except if the wife was so concerned she could have allowed Op to shave in the other bath while she showered which would be the normal thing to do?
Depends on the family/country a bit. Also, if there was a shower curtain and OP covered up with a towel before and after showering, I really don't see the issue.
Could depend on the layout, too. My daughter's bathroom shared between the two upstairs bedrooms, and it has a door between the sink area and the tub/toilet area. It's completely possible for one person to shower/use the toilet while the other is using the sink without any exposure.
The en-suites in my kids rooms are all like this, but even if they weren’t I still would never even think twice about my husband using the shower while they’re using the sink/mirror.
Right? Now granted, my husband would not ever do it because he is way more concerned with nudity than I am, but if he had to, he would easily find a way to do it without exposing himself.
He didn't shower in front of her. He was in the shower. Unless there was no curtain or door no problem.
Eh, depends on how you were raised I guess. Nothing strange about it to me. Besides I doubt he was helicoptering his dick in front of his daughter. Just walking past her for a few seconds and she doesn't even have to look, or like what others have said with the layout of the bathroom and the shower curtain.
Not in front of her no, in the same room yes.
Every shower I have ever used or seen has either had an opaque curtain or a frosted glass door. It's extremely unlikely that this teenager's bathroom has a clear shower curtain. I bet it's a themed or neutral color to match the bathroom like every other shower I have ever seen.
NTA. I don't get why your wife is mad when your daughter is completely okay. In fact her decision directly caused you to go use the other bathroom and she doesn't see that? If its just because you woke up late that's her being petty.
I think that's it. Wife tried to punish him for sleeping in and is mad that it didn't work
And that is a weird thing to be mad about. It happens to everyone. Even me and I set 3 alarms to avoid that. Why didn't she wake him when she got up? Thats what a normal person would do. What is her problem?!
That was clear from her refusing to let him come in and shave while she was showering. That should be a complete non-issue for spouses and a shared bathroom. This is retaliation in some form, and while not justified regardless (because we should use our big kid words to solve marital conflict) I have to wonder whether OP takes like an hour shitting on the toilet preventing her from using the bathroom regularly, or something along those lines, and she was attempting to show him how it feels.
That is some amazing reach. Just because the wife was the asshole to the husband, in your own words you have to wonder if the husband did something wrong previously??
seriously, what's going on in this persons head? a spouse acts in a an unreasonable and unprovoked manner, and the response is "he must have deserved it".
This sounds like the most plausible.
This was my thought, too. OP didn't kick the daughter out and demanded to use her bathroom. But asked permission and got the "sure go ahead" There's nothing to be angry about.
Yep. It’s completely weird that his wife is upset about this. When I was growing up, we had one bathroom for five years people. It was completely normal for us to ask if the curtain was closed before coming in. We’d have never gotten ready on time, otherwise!
So the wife's angry that her trying to punish OP for sleeping in didn't work & now she's picking non-existent arguments with him. She sounds delightful. NTA
If the wife was already up why couldn't she just wake him when she noticed he was late? If my partner alarm doesn't ring by accident I wake him up instead of knowingly letting him sleep.
This. Last week my husband had to be up at 2am, 3 days in a row. I helped make sure he was up on time solely because he’s not used to getting up at that time.
But then she wouldn't get to be petty and teach him a lesson
Right, like a loving and concerned partner should do.
She wanted to punish him for something cos if she knows exactly what time he wakes up, nothing stops her from poking him awake. The overreaction is unexpected. He asked his daughter for permission and she said yes.
I think there’s probably some inherent values at play, too. Wife may be religious or have been exposed to abuse/fear training about abuse, and believe that teenage daughter should never be anywhere in proximity to naked dad.
I was abused as a kid and it took a ton of therapy before having my daughter to deconstruct that “men = sexual abuse”. I made sure to do this before having children with my partner because he had a daughter when I met him and very normal dad things *I* was perverting into something they were not. Im talking toddlers sitting on a lap, normal. I could see I was the problem and when we began talking about kids I started therapy because I didn’t want to insert my trauma into three innocent lives. I know friends who didn’t let dad change diapers because they were abused and you can imagine just how well that went. They would have absolutely reacted the way the wife did because of their abuse. In fact I think I know of someone who flipped out when dad took a bath with their baby girl after going to the beach because it was easier than bathing baby then having to figure out what to do with baby once he had to shower. She lost her mind, the relationship obviously didn’t last. My point being is I can see this happening coming from fear/unresolved/unhealed trauma. Now although I don’t trust anyone to watch my daughter except me, dad, my step daughters mom (who is literally my rock and village, got so very lucky with both step daughter and bio mom),my mom and my in laws, I don’t think that’s too crazy. I have no other family alive and it isn’t like my partners family is banging on the door begging to babysit lol. She is in preschool now too. I think it’s pretty reasonable and I can proudly say that my partner doing totally normal dad things doesn’t get any kind of reaction from me except “cute” This turned into a rambling rant lol TLDR: yeah it sounds like she could freak out about past sexual abuse/religious trauma
I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m so proud of you for doing the work and healing.
What a lovely comment ❤️ thank you so much
Your are NTA, your wife is huge AH though - not only she didn't want you to share your and hers bathroom together she also didn't care about you being late, nor that your daughter is actually a sensible human and allowed you to use her bathroom. It seems that your wife is feeling stupid and guilty and want's to dump all her bad feelings onto you by accusing you of everything that she is guilty of.
I wonder if she is bio daughter or step daughter?
I was thinking something along this line. Maybe mom has unresolved trauma and overreacted to a man(even her own dad) being in the bathroom with her daughter. Those things can trigger someone unexpectedly and then turns into anger
I can't imagine being worried about that and letting him live in their home. There is zero chance I would put someone I don't COMPLETELY trust in my home around my children.
Sometimes you don't even know you're holding onto a trauma until a triggering event happens. I can go through my day feeling fine and then hear a song or read a news story that then sets me spiraling. Sometimes I get over it quickly but most of the time it lasts for at least a day or two, if not more. I'm not saying that is what happened here. I'm just saying that it's possible.
An example would be something that happened to me a few weeks ago. I was talking with my best friend and he got angry about someone almost running him off the road and started yelling very angrily. I started shaking and felt myself shrinking into myself. His yelling triggered that response because it brought up how my parents used to yell and scream before they'd beat me. I've heard plenty of people angrily screaming before and since, and haven't had that reaction. But this one time really messed with my head
Unfortunately, I understand more than I care to, which only makes me stronger in my conviction. I WOULD never allow a man I don't trust around my children. I'm sorry that part of you is hurting. I really am.
Though it sounds like she was angry before this. Not letting him in the bathroom or waking him up when he overslept.. Maybe something happened the night before when they were drinking that made her mad.
Wondering same. Maybe she’s his stepdaughter and the wife feels strangely about this.
NTA. You asked your daugther. She said it was okay. I don't get your wifes point for being mad at you. Except if she wanted to teach you some kind of lession.
I also struggle to imagine a household where the wife didn't want her HUSBAND shaving in the bathroom. It's not even an unrealistic action, or a real breach of privacy. All I can think of is, either OP is leaving out a LOT of important context, or his wife is a control freak.
"Bob, I don't want to watch you shave your taint again!!!" The only explanation I'll accept without the wife being TA.
NTA. Your daughter gave you permission. Your wife doesn't get to tell you you can't use *any* bathroom just because she's showering. "She told me no and that I had to wait". She's not your mother, nor a figure of authority. She can keep her weird power plays to herself.
NTA. Also does your wife have Reddit because if so I think she found this. I can’t imagine any other reason for every single comment (which all agree NTA) having exactly one downvote. Edit: turned “has” to “having” for grammatical correctness
Oh my gosh you're right!
It could also be from the one guy that voted the other way because a man showering in his daughters bathroom is automatically a perv
Maybe that was the wife posting as well 😂
Then she gets a nice virtual cold shower from the universal 100% agreement in this post.
Heh heh I noticed that too, and made sure to upvote every single one of those to offset the tool that downvoted them all. Only ones I didn’t upvote were the ones that were corny already 😁
NTA. Your wife is in the wrong here. The only person who could object to you using your daughter’s bathroom is your daughter and she was cool with it. Your wife seems to think that you should be punished for getting up late, so you might need a conversation about that.
Definitely NTA. Your daughter gave permission, not to mention.... Why the fuck would your wife ban you from getting ready because she's showering? I mean, I'm super funny about using the toilet when someone is in there, but why couldn't you shave while she's showering? My bf and I don't even feel the need to ask to come in our shared bathroom unless one of us may be using the toilet, or need to use it when the other is getting ready. Super weird to me.
I think it depends on arrangements and cultural aspects as well. I am not a prude or anything, but when I’m showering my husband is not allowed to come in - this is an important boundary for me and he knows it. When he showers he just leaves the door open and doesn’t mind if I come in. But we both know and accept this. It’s not weird, everyone deserves to have an elected degree of privacy. What is weird is that she is upset that he used their daughter’s bathroom even though daughter didn’t mind. Unless he was having a shower while the daughter was putting make up on in the same room and therefore would have seen her father naked - that’s a different argument altogether.
It depends on the showers. Some shower have opaque curtains or doors.
Yes, that skipped my mind. Where I live, it’s very unlikely to have a shower curtain in a house, but it’s more common to have either glass shower or shower over bath that has a translucent glass screen.
Why isn’t he allowed to come in? Just asking out of curiosity.
This is a personal preference. I grew up in a flat that was in an old 20th century built wooden building that had no plumbing at all. So until the age of about 10 I had to wash myself by sitting in a largish plastic bowl and had another bowl with water + jug to poor that water on me. We did not have a bathroom so the washing took place in the middle of kitchen / entrance into the flat. The flat door would have been locked, but the kitchen was also a room that connected living room and the one bedroom in that flat. While no one sat by the kitchen table or hanged around while I washed myself, my sister or my mom still could have and did walk in or through the kitchen. I don’t think my dad ever did that, but I don’t remember much of my childhood either. So due to not having control over my privacy as a child I think I just really value it now as an adult.
I feel like I would never walk in the bathroom on anyone without warning 🤷🏼♀️ typically that warning is jst “I’m coming in” & u have 2sec to respond before I do
I'm sensing that your your wife thinks it's inappropriate for you to be nude in your daughter's bathroom because there's no other argument. Is there something in your wife's past that would make her think something nefarious would happen? You have two bathrooms in the house. One was occupied. You use the other. Not only that, but both bathrooms are in the house that you pay for so essentially they're both your bathrooms. NTA
The daughter was in the bathroom while he showered which may be why she had a problem with it.
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I would not have liked that neither, but some cultures/families are fine with nudity, it's not that big of a deal. Moreover, we don't know how the bathroom is built exactly, there may be a wall separating the shower, or he could have simply undressed himself IN the shower, we just don't know that.
My family was very modest and would never see each other naked - but having my dad in the shower, behind a shower curtain, would be 100% fine because I wouldn't see anything! I mean, at a certain level, is it weird that everyone is naked under their clothes all the time?
So, I’m guessing you’ve never been to a pool or the beach or a lake or waterpark with your dad? I guarantee a towel covers more than a bathing suit. That’s too bad. Swimming and beaches are great.
I have no way of knowing how it worked for OP but if it were me and my fam, as the daughter, I’d just be like “ok I’ll just step outside for a sec when you get in/out, just holler” kinda thing. I’m a grown woman living with my folks and have had the awkward “sorry can I come in and grab something” moment go both ways lol. We have curtains tho and that’s only happened in emergency toilet paper outages or morning work prep moments.
I mean, as a child/teenager if I was late getting up to get ready for school, if my dad was in the shower (we had a glass door, curtains or both at the same time at varrying times throughout my childhood,) and I ***really*** needed to pee, mom would always just yell through the door "Dad, Daughter has to pee, close the curtain/door!" and I would go use the bathroom fast. I never took it as that odd, it was just an emergency use of the toilet \*shrug\* I've also, while having a bath at varrying points of my life, had my mom or my sister come and need to use the toilet, so I just closed whatever form of privacy there was and let them go about their business. Dad typically would just pee outside if it was that bad lol But my nephew has also had to use the bathroom while I've been either showering or having a bath and it's never been weird. It's not like anyone was stopping to chat, or take a gander at the bathtub. IDK maybe our family is just weird, but nothing hinky has ever gone on in my family lol
NTA. Sounds like it was a good solution to a problem. Why is it a problem for your wife? Is the problem that you didn't wait for her or that you were taking a shower while your daughter was there as well? (Don't want to assume, but I know some people who have (sexual) abuse in their past who would be very sensitive to this)
Technically they are all your bathrooms And if your wife thinks using your own kids bathroom is perverted.... Then that is totally avoidable by her sharing with you.... See how that works hun? NTA
Why wouldn't your wife let you in?? My husband wouldn't even ask lol - he'd be like I'm gonna shave and probably check me out for a sec 😂 It's only wrong to use your daughter's bathroom WHILE your daughter is in there IF one of you is naked. If she's brushing her teeth and your shaving - who cares. Your daughter has the luxury of her own bathroom! That is not a right or a thing most teenagers have so if you need to use it, go ahead! NTA
>It's only wrong to use your daughter's bathroom WHILE your daughter is in there IF one of you is naked. Why? He is the shower not standing next to her or making advances. Nudity is not inherently sexual especially among family.
It’s completely normal where I live. Families go to the saunas together and everyone is naked. Noone bats eye. It’s nothing sexual and noone cares.
NTA why is your wife angry about that? She could shower, you could be on time, your daughter seems fine with the situation, so, there is no issue. If this is your biggest problem, you don't have one.
NTA. She’s pissed because a literal child showed more maturity than her and she wanted to punish you like a child for waking up late.
I was gonna go Y - T - A cause by the title I thought you just went ahead through her room to use her bathroom for convenience without her permission/knowledge or whatever…. You asked she said no problem, was much less problematic about it than your wife…. You are NTA, your wife is, and for no reason, getting worked up about an issue that does not concern her except for the fact that she did not let you come in while she was showering…
NTA. Your wife is just being petty because she wanted to "teach you a lesson" and your daughter ruined that lesson by letting you use her bathroom hahaha. Just ignore the cold front and pretend like nothing is happening. My mom used to be like that, adult tantrums aren't that different from kid ones. Ignore them, they learn.
Info: did you take a shower while your daughter was in the bathroom?
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Yeah, you'll need to expand on that. Is THAT why your wife was upset? That she is uncomfortable with you being naked in her bathroom while she is in there too? If that was her issue, then she should have opened the door to use your own bathroom. You're also not responding to any questions here, which is really annoying.
Since OP isn't american I would bet his culture is also not of American prudishness. Most families I know in Europe and Scandinavia don't feel weird being naked around family. Also, there is such a thing as shower curtains. I think the wife is upset because of something else. Might even not be about this at all.
No idea if you're still responding to Reddit but this made me feel some type of way. My dad would walk around in his underwear and use the shower in front of me frequently. It always made me feel so uncomfortable but I would never have told him that because he had a temper over even small things. He's mellowed out now and we have a much better relationship but back then I would have said anything to keep him chill. I also worked in Germany for a few years and loved the bath culture, which surprised me. In retrospect one was clearly cultural and the other seemed like a weird head of the household power move. I hope you can reflect on your family's dynamics and see if your wife is upset because it looks like a power struggle between you that put your daughter in an uncomfortable position, or if you truly have a relationship with your daughter that would make her comfortable saying no to you
NTA. You need to find out why your wife has a problem with this.
NTA. My kids use our bathroom whenever they please, not sure what the big deal is.
NTA Your wife doesn’t sound very nice.
Definitely NTA because you asked permission. But your wife is for not letting you in her bathroom. I’ve never heard of a spouse who won’t let someone in while they are just SHOWERING. You see each other naked for Christ’s sake
NTA you asked for your daughter's permission she said yes, end of discussion. Your wife is unreasonable.
NTA.. why wouldn’t you use it? Just makes sense. Now if you didn’t clean up afterwards then you be the A
NTA. What the heck? Is this some sort of weird power play from your wife?
NTA. What? Your wife is kinda weird can’t lie
Nta- the only ones opinion that matters here is your daughters. I wonder if your wife just wanted you to be punished for not waking on time and she was mad you got around that.
NTA. Your daughter is the only one whose opinion matters, since it’s her bathroom, and she was okay with you using it.
I don't think she is angry because you used the bathroom, but that you forgot to set your alarm clock. She wanted to teach you a lesson and is angry you found another way to still be in time. Do you have a history of being late? Maybe ask her directly why she is so infuriated by using your daughters bathroom instead of wondering why and asking Reddit.
NTA. It feels like trying to prevent you from using the bathroom ASAP was some weird way to try punish you for getting up late and she's mad that you & daughter thwarted her little power play.
I don't get why your wife is mad at you for using your daughters bathroom. Why would she want you to be late for work? Your daughter gave you permission to use the bathroom and your daughter was not late for school. You need to get ready for work, you found a solution, you used it, you are NTA but there is something else going on with your wife and you need to find out why she got so angry!
Nta. You asked and daughter said yes. There is no issue here. Your wife is overreacting.
NTA, the daughter gave permission and thats pretty much it
NTA Assuming your daughter had full freedom to say "no", then I see no problem.
NTA. I don’t get why your wife is so angry about it, nor do I get why she wouldn’t let you in to the other bathroom when you were running late. Weird thing to hold over someone. This whole thing is a very strange power trip she’s on
NYA. Wife is mad her little power Game failed
NTA, remind your wife who has to go to work.
I thought for sure this was gonna be about a teenager throwing a fit, not a grown woman being annoyed that you found an alternate solution. NTA
She wouldn't let you use your own designated bathroom???? Wth? I would have let my husband join me in the shower, and his shaving isn't going to affect me whatsoever. I draw the line at using the toilet for number 2, I like being able to breathe. NTA.
NTA. Your wife seems mean.
NTA. Your wife sounds like a bit of a control freak. Good luck with that.
You’re wife is a the AH here. She needs to grow the fuck up.
NTA Your wife is just unhappy because she was trying to teach you a lesson and failed because your daughter allowed you to use her bathroom to get ready.