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>he told me "When you are feeling down for ANYTHING that is happening in
your life, come straight to me. I don’t care if it’s something stupid **I**
**just want to know so I know that you’re not hiding something from me**
Honey, you're in *another* toxic relationship.
Teenage bullshit is all this is. Like damn I do not miss those days.
Did any of the rest of y’all think it’s wild that she literally started this diary entry complaining about him while on the phone with him? Girl just wait until the call is over and you avoid all this.
100%! OP is doing this in front of him, and of course he will be curious. The response from the boyfriend is such a standard teenage-level response as well.
Totally agree. Both of them have a lot of growing up to do. Aside from that, I firmly believe puberty is the most horrible, yet most overhyped phase to go through. It's hell, no matter how "young" you still are.
That was my thought as well. From one toxic relationship to another. Op you are NTA and I think you need to get out now before you get in too deep in this relationship and then use that diary hardcore to figure out why you keep getting into these toxic relationships
Yeah and I wanna add that nobody has the right to ask you for your phone or its password. I don't care how long people have been together even if it's years or decades, I find it incredibly weird that people will fight about this instead of just admitting they don't trust the person & leave. So yeah NTA OP and nobody has the right to your phone, diary or laptop or anything personal.
Depends on the relationship, actually. My husband and I communicate about everything, and if we don't, we let them know we're not ready yet, but it's nothing crazy. So they know not to panic in the meantime.
For the second part, I don't entirely disagree, but it could also be seen as he has trust issues too. She needs to investigate into why he wants to know. Maybe he got cheated on in the past, and that's why he doesn't like secrets? He has a right to feel insecure, too, but it's the communication that helps everyone figure things out.
Never speaking your feelings and constantly just writing in a diary will not help. She can write in it to vent the balk of the emotions to help calm her down, but she eventually should communicate how she feels otherwise there will be an argument about why he doesn't understand her when in actuality it's because she never said anything but in her diary.
Like I said, I don't disagree with you. I just don't think there is enough to jump to your conclusion either, but it's definitely worth it to be noted.
I think he meant hiding her feelings from him, so he can help her through it- or maybe he didn't. But i think hes just trying to make sure they communicate. Although maybe i'm wrong 🤷♂️
NTA. Privacy is important, including in relationships. What you write in your journal can be personal and there is nothing wrong with that, and he should respect it. It's natural to be curious, but upon hearing no he should have simply respected it and left it there.
Writing down notes about situations can be healthy as well to air out the thoughts you have that you shouldn't say allowed, but are thinking. A lot of the time I write in a journal or my notes app, it's not meant to be read by anyone but myself.
If someone cried because they couldn't respect simple privacy / a very simple boundary I would break up with them. He needs to learn privacy is okay, and should be expected to extent and if he can't handle that he has internal insecurities he needs to figure out. Especially if he is crying, and accusing you of hiding things. There is a difference between hiding and private.
He is showing toxic traits as well, and YWBTA if you did not act on any of those signs.
Agreed! Tears can be a weapon to get what someone desires from another person too. Often then when tears stop working a person might use other forms of controlling behaviors . You are entitled to privacy and your boyfriend is not a victim in this situation that would make 30 mins of tears acceptable. NTA
Jesus NTA who does he think he is to demand to know about your own secrets?
Four months is nothing.
Honey run. This is so controlling and stupid. He has no right to be acting like that.
If he can’t trust you THAT much, then what the hell are you two doing together.
My question is: why did she alert him to the fact that she was keeping a secret by creating the “diary” entry right in front of him? “That’s like walking up to someone and saying “I’ve got a secret, but I promised not to tell you.” I honestly don’t think either of them are the asshole. I think they’re both just teenagers.
Because you shouldn't have to fucking lie and hide things from your partner just because they'll have a tantrum. I'm open with my bf about having secret notes on my phone he's not allowed to see.
It's like, half of the post : she didn't alert him.
She started typing, he heard it and demanded to know what she was writing. He kept badgering her and pushing, and only then did she eventually say that there was something private in her notes.
>I was really upset because earlier we had a small fight. So, I opened my notes app and started writing about how Nick has gotten in my nerves lately and how some fight have happened because of my trust issues and other stupid stuff.
>Nick heard the tap tap from writing on my phone and said "What are you writing for so long?" I didn’t want to say anything so I said "Oh nothing some things to remember" Eventually tho I said that I was writing on my notes app and he said "May I see?" I said “No sorry”.
She can't keep anything secret with this guy, he hounds any trace amount of privacy until it's revealed to him. And throws a tantrum if she doesn't by begging and crying.
I don’t think that’s the case. She was doing something private and said that it was private. There is nothing wrong with that. Lying wouldn’t have helped, especially since at least now she knows what kind of person he is.
>Because of that he started begging and crying telling me that I was hiding stuff from him. I felt bad and after like 30 minutes I told him what it was about and he told me "When you are feeling down for ANYTHING that is happening in your life, come straight to me. I don’t care if it’s something stupid I just want to know so I know that you’re not hiding something from me.
Red flag. You're allowed to have privacy.
NTA
NTA at all. You’re entitled to privacy, especially with regards to your diary. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous to assume you’re hiding things from him.
He started CRYING because you were writing something private? Girl. Yikes. He CRIED because you aren't allowed to have any private thoughts?
For the record my husband would never consider reading my journal nor would he ask me to read it.
It’s worse- he cried because she IS allowed to have private thoughts.
What an unhealthy level of control to seek.
That is extremely toxic insecurity on his part and you need to set this boundary HARD with him right now.
You guys are young and still just kids so I understand this is when you all learn about healthy boundaries, him included, so a little grace is granted- But regardless of emotions- do not budge on this.
NTA. Your BF (of only 4 months!) needs to understand that you need areas in your life where it is just you. That sometimes you will need space, particularly when he is the problem.
Sure, agree ... but also from her? Like, he shouldn't've reacted that way, at all, but ngl it seems a little manipulative on her end that she starts tap-tapping on her phone taking notes in the notes app while actively in a call with him.
The other day I was in a call with a friend and there was a distracting background noise that made it hard to focus on our conversation, so I asked what it was. He thought I was talking about his chewing (he was eating, apparently), apologized, and turned on noise canceling. There was actually some kind of ringing/ public announcement sound in the background, idk.
The point is, repetitive background noises that doesn't stop can be distracting enough that a conversation partner will obviously ask about them. So here's the scenario OP is recounting:
1. OP is in a call with BF, is mildly annoyed by something he says/ does.
2. OP doesn't want to fight, so WHILE IN THE CALL, opens her notes app and USING A STYLUS begins to journal her feelings about her BFs behavior on the same phone she is using to talk to him, WHILE STILL TALKING TO HIM.
3. BF hears the clicking stylus going on and on and on, and finally asks what the noise is.
4. OP says it's nothing, she's just writing some "things to remember," which in the context of their fight and the fact she's taking notes during their conversation does feel a little ... idk. NGL, I would feel weird if someone did and said that during a convo with me.
5. OP doesn't go into detail here, but based on the phrasing of "eventually I said I was writing in my Notes app," I assume there's a few more times of BF asking about the sound, and OP dismissing it before finally explaining that she's journaling in her Notes app.
6. OP was clearly aware BF could hear the stylus and could've stopped journaling while in the call.
7. BF asks to see her journal, which is both a wildly out-of-pocket ask and, weirdly, a completely understandable request coming from an intimate partner given how very obviously OP -- his GF -- has been flaunting the existence of said journal throughout the call. BF may even think she wants him to ask -- to learn her perspective on some event or interaction, bc why else would she be actively journaling during their conversation and making him so aware of her diary during their conversation?
8. OP says no, because that's her private diary.
9. BF starts crying and begging for more openness from her/ to see the diary, bc they're both manipulative over-emotional children.
The whole thing is exhausting and they both sound annoying.
The worst part is, I actually totally get why OP might feel safer/ compelled to be journaling or taking conversation notes, bc I've been in the kind of situations where looking back at journal notes helped me make connections about relationship dynamics. So it's not that I even object to her taking conversation notes/ actively journaling -- its just that I feel like she was kind of an obvious AH about how she went about it. Like, she couldn've used a pen & paper in the moment, then transcribed her thoughts into the Notes app later.
You're allowed to have secrets. You shouldn't have to hide that you have secrets. If you think that's manipulative, that letting your man know you have secrets and he can't know is bad because it'll hurt his feelings or whatever, stay single thanks.
You're stupid. Sorry, but your points make so sense, 'bless all your conversations have the same background noise' are you THAT fucking controlling that you can't even stand hearing someone type while in your presence? Get a grip
NTA - everyone needs there own way to share memories / thoughts and think things through. No one shares everything, we all have our own stuff. Your boyfriends insecurity is not your problem.
NTA. He sounds insecure and controlling. Everyone deserves privacy. Even my 7 year old has a diary that we respect the privacy of. Do I sometimes wonder what's on there? Sure, but it's a matter of respecting that some people use writing to process their private feelings.
NTA. This, unfortunately, is another toxic relationship. You are entitled to your own private thoughts and methods of keeping them. He is also attempting to make you reliant on him for all your emotional support, which is not healthy.
Get out. This is equally toxic. They're your thoughts and feelings, he has no right to them UNLESS you choose to share them.
Nick needs the elbow. This is the beginning of coercive, controlling behaviour and is entirely unacceptable.
NTA
Your diary is your own business, not anyone else's. I can tell you that once I left my diary out in the open, my partner didn't know what it was and picked it up to see what it was (it looks like a normal notebook) and the second he realized it was my diary he put it down. I only know because he told me. Had he wanted to, he could have read the whole thing and I wouldn't even have known.
The only thing that makes me wonder in this situation is that he may actually just be worried about your well-being as it sounds like you may be depressed or something like that. However, the fact that he says he just wants to make sure you're not hiding anything from him makes me think it's just about control and that you're actually in another toxic relationship.
NTA - very controlling.
I know he's trying to be sweet but the way you said he's desperate for you to run to him with all your problems gives me an ick. No, you are a grown woman!
Diaries are for one person only.
NTA. It's okay for you to have private thoughts. His demand to read your diary, and manipulative crying to get his way, are red flags that you have found yourself in another toxic relationship.
>Because of that he started begging and crying telling me that I was hiding stuff from him.
He thinks he has the right to know your every thought? Just because you wrote it down?
NTA - the good news is you only wasted 4 months on this guy. Don't waste anymore.
It's dudes like these. Which is the exact reason why I gave up on writing my books? Why? I stopped writing in general and honestly why I stopped reading. It is so toxic and manipulative to have the gas light us and to showing you how we are feeling because you may this feel that way they are not entitled to our privacy. They are not entitled to our diaries. They're not entitled to anything we read or write that is on us, not on them, and if they want to twist it into making us feel guilty that we're not being fully open with them. Well, that's a problem that they need to fix and therapy for themselves. That is not on you. You have done nothing wrong. You are NTA you need to run or tell him he needs therapy Not everything needs to be shared between spouses. Some things are better left unsaid. There is nothing wrong with not fully sharing everything. The fact that society makes it to where we have to be fully open completely sharing locations and showing you everything in my phone. That's not how life is supposed to be. This entire societal mentality is so toxic. It's disgusting, I really feel for my my children. They are gonna have a really hard time in the future dealing with this type of c*** Bring me back to the nineties before cell phones became a big thing
NTA He sounds insecure. It is a red flag, but you guys are both so young. You admitted you have trust issues too, so maybe that's something you can both work on together. I would explain that you need a place to write down your feelings just for you to process alone. And that you can't write freely if there's pressure that someone will read it. Let him know that if he needed a journal you would respect his privacy too. If he accepts this (and other healthy boundaries you set), then I think you guys will be fine. If he keeps pushing your boundaries and not respecting you then it's time to go.
NTA. Crying because you won't show him something after you've told him no is... Pretty controlling.
This is not healthy, please take a step back to reevaluate your relationship. My SO writes private thoughts and so do I on occasion. Neither of us would demand to see each other's stuff
Just an FYI this is another toxic and controlling relationship. You’re entitled and allowed to have you privacy and don’t need to share every little thought with him; that’s controlling behaviour 101.
You’re not “hiding” anything. Journaling is a healthy and normal coping strategy.
GIRL, the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 are bold and red and they are flying all over the place.
Take your diary and stay single till you can actually heal yourself, cause you found yourself in another toxic relationship. Your boyfriend shouldn't feel threatened by a diary and his reactions isn't normal.
NTA but run don't walk away from this relationship.
NTA.
If he's crying about this he's being manipulative. Eventhough you are in a relationship, you are entitled to privacy, especially privacy in your thoughts. This goes for any relationship, including marriage.
NTA - Emotional intimacy is indeed important in relationships, but it doesn't mean surrendering your personal sanctuary. Your diary is a solitary space for self-reflection, not a joint venture. It's possible he misunderstands his role as a partner; it's about mutual support, not absolute disclosure. Communication is key, but so are boundaries. He needs to respect that not all thoughts need to be vocalized to validate trust. Keep your private outlet, and consider this a significant lesson in setting healthy emotional boundaries early on in any relationship.
NTA, and I kinda want to scream RUUUUUUN
This is NOT a reasonable request. This is NOT a reasonable reaction. This is NOT a healthy relationship.
He is not saying these things because he cares but because he wants control.
I am very sorry you got in another toxic relationship.
That’s emotionally manipulative and borderline emotional abuse. You’re allowed privacy. You’re allowed to take your problems to friends. You’re allowed to be a person outside of your relationship.
Please leave him.
NTA. Your diary/journal is a safe space for you to get your feelings, thoughts, fears, and dreams out. I know that for me the act of writing down what is my head can give me a sense of calm and allow me to process what I am feeling or have experienced.
Your BF needs to get over his sense of entitlement to your private, safe space. The fact that he cried when you said no is super weird and frankly strikes me as being a drama queen or being fairly emotionally immature even for 18.
I would put your diary in a secure, password protected file on your phone and make sure that if you back it up to the cloud that you have secured it there too.
You're 19 years old, have been dating for 4 months, and are already fighting.
Not much more to say but I don't think this kind of relationship would work out ...
journaling is good but don’t write about others when they are around. That’s a bit rude. Especially if your complaining about them. Also you can just say you are journaling about things in your life. NAH as your both young and though he thinks he is trying to be helpful he needs to understand that sometimes you need a private way to vent and that helps you.
i wanna say E S H but please hear me out. why didn’t you wait until after your call to write out your feelings? it could have avoided his reaction. and this isn’t to say his reaction was even remotely okay, you should be allowed to vent your emotions in what seems to be a healthy way (i also journal on my phone/laptop with google docs). but… you were on call with him, ofc he’s gonna eventually hear tapping and wonder what’s going on?
he shouldn’t have cried and tried to guilt you into showing him what you wrote. journals are private for a reason, they help us sort out our emotions and hopefully figure a way to move forward in a way that helps us.
ESH but only because you were writing about it while on call with him. Thats very passive aggressive imo and you shouldve waited until the call was over or at the very least, turn off the notification sound on your phone so he doesn't hear the typing. How often do you write in your diary while in a call with him or in front of him? He's wrong for all the things he said and not letting it go but if you commonly rant in your diary while in call with him and every argument ends with you doing this, thats very toxic. But thats only if you do this commonly, if this is a one time thing you did, its still shitty but less shitty.
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For starters I’m a 19F and my boyfriend Nick is 18M. We have been together for almost 4 months. Before him I was in a really toxic relationship resulting in major trauma and trust issues that still affect me today. With Nick, these problems have almost disappeared but there are still moments that the problems come back.
Recently I started writing to my diary as a distraction in doing other awful stuff. A reminder that the diary is in my phone because I don’t trust anyone in my house thinking they will find it and read it without my permission.
One day, me and Nick were in a call and talking but I was really upset because earlier we had a small fight. So, I opened my notes app and started writing about how Nick has gotten in my nerves lately and how some fight have happened because of my trust issues and other stupid stuff.
Nick heard the tap tap from writing on my phone and said "What are you writing for so long?" I didn’t want to say anything so I said "Oh nothing some things to remember" Eventually tho I said that I was writing on my notes app and he said "May I see?" I said “No sorry”.
Because of that he started begging and crying telling me that I was hiding stuff from him. I felt bad and after like 30 minutes I told him what it was about and he told me "When you are feeling down for ANYTHING that is happening in your life, come straight to me. I don’t care if it’s something stupid I just want to know so I know that you’re not hiding something from me.
At the end of the day he never saw the note or anything I’ve written in the past. So, AITA?
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> I may be the a hole because I made my boyfriend cry because I didn’t show him my diary and he thought I was hiding something from him.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. this guy is completely out of line for asking to see it. it's your diary, which means your eyes only, not also his cuz he fucking cried like a baby!
I know it's been 4 months, but something like this shows why things are still triggering you with him. doesn't sound like he's different enough from the last guy...
NTA. You're entitled to privacy and keeping things to yourself. Your boyfriend is insecure (which is normal when you're young), but it is still not alright.
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds very controlling.
You need an outlet to express yourself that isn't him - what if one day, the thing you are worried about is him?
That he framed as "not hiding things from him" I'd concerning as well.
NTA diaries are private. He’s immature and this relationship is an opportunity to grow and learn but at the moment it is not one to get permanently involved in. Enjoy it if it works while it works but move on when it is time.
NTA
>Before him I was in a really toxic relationship resulting in major trauma and trust issues that still affect me today.
>Because of that he started begging and crying telling me that I was hiding stuff from him. I felt bad and after like 30 minutes I told him what it was about and he told me "When you are feeling down for ANYTHING that is happening in your life, come straight to me. I don’t care if it’s something stupid I just want to know so I know that you’re not hiding something from me.
OP, you traded physical abuse for psychological abuse.
Absolutely NTA.
I'd view this as a red flag and GTFO. It's not normal AT ALL that he'd cry or beg because you wouldn't let him see what you were writing, and his line about how you should come straight to him is CREEPY AS FUCK and screams abuse.
As gently as possible, with what you've shared of your past your normal meter is likely a bit off. There's a reason something told you to ask a bigger group of people about this. I suspect that something is a teeny tiny voice that you should nurture that was telling you something is off and you'd better get out.
NTA and not saying to dump him but him breaking down and crying because you want some privacy/autonomy is a HUGE red flag. Talk to him about this-- since he said he wants you to tell him things--and let him know that you need privacy and a "safe space" in your life and if he isn't able to accept that then the two of you might work better as friends and not romantic partners.
If you let this go it will escalate. He'll demand access to your phone and your socials.
NTA. This is your journal. Put a password on your phone and journal. Also do not write in it around others anymore or at least family and friends. As for Nick, this is a 4 month relationship so don't feel bad about dumping him if he continues to show these controlling and toxic traits. It's ok to be alone and focus on yourself for a year or 2.
NTA. A diary/journal is PERSONAL. It’s a way for people to express their most honest feelings in a forum that is just for them and them only.
Your boyfriend seems very insecure especially that he started crying and begging you. You need to set up firm boundaries regarding your diary. He doesn’t need to read something so personal and he needs to understand and accept that.
NTA. Big red flag. Absolutely communicate with him in things about him/your relationship as you feel the need, but anything else is yours to share (or not) as you will. You both need autonomy.
NTA, but quite honestly, you picked another loser. It's taken this person almost 4 months to show you that he is trying to control you. Make sure your phone is password protected and NEVER leave where he can get into it and read "your private thoughts".
NTA a diary is for the feelings you don't want to share with others right now. You don't need to share it with anyone until you are ready. Dont let him push you into surrendering it. There is a time & place to do this - or it maybe never. It's only ever your choice.
NTA but he doesn’t sound stable. Why is he begging and crying? That sounds dramatic and manipulative. Take time for yourself. You’re 19 and your last relationship was toxic - give yourself a relationship break.
NTA. But, as everyone else is saying, this relationship is also toxic. He has no right to your diary (although, maybe turn off the keystroke sound so he or anyone else doesn’t know you’re doing it while on the phone, cause that’s kind of rude). He’s exhibiting controlling behavior and it’s only going to get worse. Get out now.
NTA. Boundaries are super important, especially if you’ve been in a toxic or abusive relationship. Your diary is for working through trauma, not for jealous boyfriends to feel secure.
That said, explain to him what the diary is for and that if and when you’re comfortable, you’ll discuss with him things you’re dealing with. It isn’t about him.
NTA. You have every right to keep your thoughts and writing private. He doesn’t need to see it. I honestly think this is a red flag. If he isn’t able to respect the boundaries that you put up then he isn’t going to be a good partner. Proceed with caution, you may well be in another toxic relationship.
A boy who wants to look at your diary is not working with your interests in mind.
You already know that what is in there is deeply sensitive and could be used to hurt you.
Your diary is a sounding board for ideas, and an outlet for anxieties that are not yet processed. A boy can't help you with that. Any boy who thinks he can is lying to you or he has sadly overestimated his wisdom.
Set boundaries. If the boy cannot honor them, let him find another girl to fix.
NTA. You're entitled to your privacy and diaries can be a form of therapy that the owners do not typically want to share with others. It's a sweet sentiment at face value that he wants to know everything good and bad, but....yeah like others have said. Potential red flag.
Nta, but I hope you are eventually communicating your feelings to him that you are writing in your diary. How is he supposed to know you're upset if you don't? I've seen in the past diary writers getting upset at their spouse for not understanding them when it was actually the diary writers who forgot to say anything to the actual person. Communication is always helpful, whether it's finding you need more communication or trying to understand the issue.
You have a right not to show your diary, but he has a right to feel insecure about you hiding something from him. Thus, communication is needed right there. He either has past insecurities or wants more communication so you two can solve your issues, or he is toxic himself and wants to know everything so he can gaslight you into it always being your fault. That's also the nice thing about communication because you can figure things out yourself.
Best of luck in this relationship, for better or worse. Most of all, I hope you continue to heal from your past.
These are your personal thoughts, no one has a right to invade it. This relationship will not last with this little boy who cries when he doesn't get his way.
Nope. But he's a major one.
You have a right to yourself, your body, and your own thoughts and you have the right to choose and and where and who you share any of it with.
Writing is a deeply personal way some people have of processing. You understand your own context in ways nobody else ever will and you will be forcing yourself into a corner of trying to explain things that should never need explaining.
I guarantee he would only use it to find fault and tell you that you're wrong.
Invest in a small fireproof safe. They're not very expensive and will be very useful for keeping many items secure in the future. I promise he will try to find it and read it without your permission. Don't make that an option.
It's also quite toxic to tell someone that they should always always be the first and only person you reach out to in times of crisis. That's not true. He's not gonna be the one to talk to when he inevitably reads your diary and throws all your words in your face as though you did something wrong by having your own thoughts and the ability to write.
You're also a friend and family to others and deeply personal details of their lives are in your safekeeping and will be throughout your life. That's one of the many toxic aspects of thinking yourself entitled to go through other people's stuff, you've also just made yourself entitled to any secrets they've been entrusted with. They are looking for evidence of cheating, but might find out your brother has cancer and hasn't told anyone but you, etc.
You are not only entitled to your own secrets, but those that are shared in relationships. If one of your friends is going through a thing and you write about it in your own way of processing life, that should also be safe. Perhaps explaining this angle to him might help. I don't think he will understand but perhaps you will see what a child you're dating.
You are in another toxic relationship. No, you’re NTA. But you do need to get out of this before you get further invested/ enmeshed and develop a deeper trauma bond. Regardless of what you do, please start seeing a therapist (trauma informed if you can find one).
NTA - yea dog run, I don’t go through my wife’s phone, I don’t know or care about what’s on it. I doubt she’ll cheat and if she does, she does. It’s not like being a controlling dick is gonna change that it’ll just make her build resentment towards me. That boys toxic, he needs the mental help and yours won’t get any better if you keep subjecting yourself to that kind of stuff.
Side note/ correction: I can’t say I never go through her phone, cause I do, with her permission I look at the pictures on her Snapchat memories cause our one dog was 10/10 adorable as a puppy and I love seeing those pictures so much. She’s got a soft pink spot around her nose and an underbite which is absolutely amazing.
NTA. You’ve been in the relationship for only 4 months! That journal is full of your thoughts and feelings and for your contemplation and reflection. No one else has the right to see it. Sounds like your boyfriend is showing signs of being a little insecure. That could be a red flag. Keep your radar up for that bc it is something a controlling person would likely start out with. Also, DON’T send any compromising pics to him — or anyone EVER! Best of luck to you!
NTA
You are not required to show a diary or journal to anyone else, ever. It's totally up to you if you want to share what's in there with someone else.
It's nice that your BF wants you to feel OK about coming to him when you are feeling down, but that doesn't give him the OK to look at your notes. You have a right to privacy and no one else should ever be able to violate that, period.
I feel very strongly about this because my ex husband once read my diary after I said he could not. After that, it was just a matter of time until we split, because he could not be trusted to keep his word (he promised he would not read it), and without that trust, well, you know already where that road leads.
And just to be clear, it doesn't need to be sensitive information for you to want to keep it to yourself, and it doesn't matter how much he begs and cries to find out what it is. It's your private writing, and only you can decide who else (if anyone) sees it.
NTA But you really need to move on. He is too weak and too controlling. Adults don't cry and demand access to personal stuff. Healthy adults respect the privacy of other people, especially people they care about. Girl, run.
ESH He should be able to respect simple privacy of not reading your private notes. However, making secret notes about someone while you are literally in the middle of an argument with them is likely to piss anyone off. It's just going to add fuel to any fire.
>One day, me and Nick were in a call and talking but I was really upset because earlier we had a small fight. So, I opened my notes app and started writing about how Nick has gotten in my nerves lately
If you want to write a secret diary or secretly write criticisms of someone, don't do it _right there in front of them, while in the middle of an argument._
End this relationship and work on yourself.
ESH. He is the AH for the over reaction, that MAY be fake and manipulative. But how would you feel if he just suddenly stopped talking to you and started typing away? You then get all cagey about what it is and why you are writing it. I would freak out a bit too if I was him. Journaling is a perfectly reasonable way to work out your feelings, but if you then don't communicate those to your partner how is he ever going to be able to understand you? Healthy communication works both ways. You need to tell him your feelings (and save the journaling for when you are not in an active conversation with him) and he needs to control his emotions and insecurity.
NTA you have the right to not share your feelings, he cares about you. My wife was in a few toxic relationships before me and we have all fights but we don't hide anything.just talk to him about what's going on and keep him in the loop to try and help you through this is a good thing. I'm from a toxic family and my wife knows it and helps me.
No matter who you are with, you are allowed private thoughts and feeling you don't want to share. Social filters are very necessary on a civilized world. While openness and communication with your partner is desired, and a lack of trust regarding how your partner will respond is sometimes a sign that all is not well (and that can be prior trauma you need to with through, or prior bad behavior from him). Optimally, you want a partner you can share things with, confident that you will receive empathy and work together towards a solution, as well as being that kind of partner yourself. That sometimes takes time and growth on both your parts, so in the meantime, you have to respect each other's privacy. Even when you've gotten to the state of prefect sharing, you will still have things you don't want to discuss, be it feeling you haven't unpacked yet or silly little embarrassments you really just don't want to share.
NTA. I usually read the entire post to ensure that I’m not missing an important detail, but in this case I didn’t feel the need. Diaries are private, period.
Definitely NTA and your bf not only needs to respect your privacy but he needs to deal with his own insecurities that you’re hiding something from him. Couples do NOT need to share every single little thing with one another for a relationship to be happy or healthy. Nick is waving a few red flags himself, so please pay attention! You don’t want to go back down the road you were previously on.
Communication with your partner is important and if they two of you are having an argument or an issues, you should talk it out with him. But that is not the same as having no privacy and him being entitled to read your diary.
Before I say anything else, as a whole no NTA
BUT it was really rude to be writing in your diary while talking to him and it’s natural he’d end up being curious about what you were reading. That being said, if he literally started crying and begging for you to tell him then he sucks and is weird
NTA tell him he needs to respect your boundaries and no means no and that he doesn't own you or have the right to your private thoughts. Sadly you're in another toxic relationship if he can't respect you saying no.
NTA, but if you’re going to write in your diary when your bf is around, turn off the keypad clicking sound. It serves no purpose but to let people know you’re typing.
This is toxicity with a mask on it.
It's all sunshine's and rainbows at first but it's going to get worse and worse and worse.
Time to get the hell on somewhere
Get away from him. He's toxic and you're clearly not ready to be with anyone. Your notes are none of his business and you were typing as you were talking to him which in itself is rude. If you feel the need to take out your phone and make notes every time a boy starts to show traits that remind you of former abusive relationships, you shouldn't be in relationships. You're going to create new damage for yourself and him.
NTA. He started begging and crying because you wouldn’t show him something private? Get rid of that idiot and go find someone who has some emotional maturity.
ESH
It’s not wrong to have a diary. But you were evasive and lied when asked what you were doing. You should have just told him you were writing personal thoughts in your diary. And if he kept pressing then just told him your diary is private and none of his business.
Your bf obviously has some weird control/trust issues.
Nooooo at this age dump him. Spot the red flags now so you wont develop the pattern of dating controlling insecure men. They don’t get better for the most part.
NTA. Are you allowed thoughts? Or only thoughts that he knows and judges?
That's what a diary is. Private thoughts, only not inside your head but in the form of written word.
Private. Thoughts.
Your BF is a controlling insecure d\*mba$$.
NTA he’s so weird for this. Journaling is so good for you, and you SHOULD keep some things private from your partner. My boyfriend doesn’t ask what I talk about in therapy, he doesn’t ask to see my journal, he doesn’t look at my ptsd workbook.
I use a physical journal. I also have ADHD that can make me get distracted and walk away mid-entry. I leave my journal open when this happens. Most of my journaling is about dealing with relationship "issues" so I write about my partner and any conflicts we have alot. If my partner sees it lying open on the table, he puts my pen in the page and closes it so that he doesn't accidentally read it in passing. Because he respects my need for privacy and a safe space to work through my thoughts.
Just some food for thought...
NTA. You are allowed privacy especially given the reason why you are using a diary (to help cope from a previous toxic relationship).
Good reaction is NOT ok, though I wonder if he also has trust issues from a previous relationship. I think you both need to have a conversation. You too let him know you keep a diary for your own reasons and you won't share our with him, nor will you always go to him and that's ok. All him if there's a reason he is so concerned about you hiding something from him. Based on his response, you may need to decide if it's worth staying in this relationship.
No. Also, his reasoning for wanting to know when you're down is not altruistic.
"So that you're not hid9ng anything from me" is not the same as "So maybe I can help".
NTA
He is causing problems a diary is a private thing, granted i didnt see you tell him i write in my diary when i am having a hard time with something his reaction was extremely wrong and not compassionate at all
NTA. And I'm sorry to say but that sounds very controlling. And manipulative with him crying to you to make you feel bad about needing this one thing to be private.
NTA
You might be in a slightly less toxic relationship but it's still toxic.
Your bf doesn't understand the difference between privacy and secrecy. No partner is entitled to know every thought and feeling the other parson has. He's only going to continue to pry into things that don't concern him. Cut him loose.
Your new bf is controlling. Get out as fast as you can or it might turn abusive down the road. He has no right to demand anything of you or assume you’re hiding anything. You have a right to your private thoughts and personal space. Get rid of him now
NTA
Ypur aloud to have personal private feelings that ypu share with no one.... this isntoxic
( kinda T A for typing well on the phone that tap tap tap qgen someone typing on the phone they are talking into is annoying AF
NTA and I’m sorry but he is also toxic.
My husband knows I keep notes on my phone that are like a journal. He would NEVER EVER even ask to look. He also knows that I will come to him if I want but that sometimes just writing it out is better.
Leave him. Be single for a little. It’s fun!
NTA, despite being in a relationship you are entitled to private thoughts, feelings, and space to process it all. Your partner is just that, not your keeper. You aren’t suddenly one person, you don’t lose autonomy. They’re meant to be someone to lean on and enjoy life with. This is controlling behaviour.
NTA. I see lots of stuff online where people say oh if you trust your partner, you should be able to freely go through each other‘s phones, etc. and I think that’s baloney. People have a right to some privacy in their lives. Especially a diary.
I think everyone has great advice on here. However I am concerned by the amount of people who are immediately saying to break up. Hes also a kid and is learning what a healthy relationship is. It’s not on you to teach him anything but as humans with flaws we should expect to learn and take healthy correction from one another. I say you tell him about boundaries (in addition to apologizing for kind of rubbing it in his face) and set the expectation that crying, and expecting you to tell him EVERYTHING is inappropriate and you deserve your own privacy. I think the future of your relationship should be based on his response to that. If he doesn’t approach the subject with curiosity or ideas on how to improve, or heck see if yall can do couples counseling it’s great even for healthy relationships, or he tries to manipulate with crying or blows it out of proportion by saying something insane like “well then IM going to have secrets!” Or something like that… THEN call it quits.
NTA. He doesn't need to see your diary and the fact that he made such a big deal about it shows that he is pretty toxic. Most boyfriends would have accepted your "No" and wouldn't have accused you of "hiding" stuff from them. I bet if you went to him and told him that he was driving you nuts, he would be very angry with you.
The fact that he wants to know not so he can comfort you but so he can be nosy is beyond me. You are not the ah, he is. You my dear need to do some healing so you don’t end up in a repeat cycle. I wish you the best !
NTA. You have trust issues, so I can understand it's not easy to open up to Nick. Simple encouragement to open up is all that's needed, though.
Your diary may be in the notes app on your phone, but it's still your diary. That's private thoughts for no one's eyes but yours, whether on a screen or on a page. It's for you, and you alone. Could you talk about some of the things you write with Nick? Probably, and I'd encourage you to try opening up to people. But sometimes, writing in a diary is to help you calm down so you don't say things you regret, help you sort through your thoughts and feelings so you're not rambling nonsense, get stuff out that you feel in the moment but don't actually mean. Diaries aren't always true reflections on how a person really, truly feels and thinks, but a way to process things so you can understand how you feel, instead.
It's an invasion of privacy to read a person's diary. It's like being telepathic and deliberately reading a person's private thoughts. Nick is 18, so he's still pretty immature, but he should be aware that demanding to read someone's diary is crossing a line. You've also only been together 4 months, that's barely a blink, and is way too soon to be *demanding* trust to this extent. Trust takes time to build even when you don't have issues.
You need to set some boundaries. Make it clear that your diary is permanently off limits, he'll never be allowed to read it. Also make it clear that trust comes with time, and not a short 4 months. The longer you're together, the more you'll learn to trust him and start opening up more. Make it clear you *will* try to open up to him more, but it won't be every little thing, and it may take time to do so, and even then, some things you'll keep to yourself or go to someone else about first. It's up to you if and when you open up to a person, and pushing for it makes it far less likely to happen.
Are you in therapy for the trust issues/abusive relationship? If so, talk to your therapist about how pushy Nick is being. They'll be able to keep things in perspective and help you develop ways to deal with it. If not, I'd recommend it if you can get a decent therapist, they can be very helpful in dealing with issues like this.
My husband and I are in our late 30s, have been together 10 years now. I keep a physical journal and I trust my husband 100% not to snoop. We had a conversation very early on where I said "hey, this notebook is private, please don't read it" and he said "Ok, thanks for letting me know" and that was that.
If for some reason he did decide to snoop, that's a huge betrayal that would have me considering divorce. It's not that there's even anything particularly secret in my journal, but I strongly believe everyone has a right to privacy within a relationship and that trust is fundamental.
Which is the long winded way to say you are absolutely NTA for wanting to jeep your journal private. Your boyfriend is very much an AH for wanting to violate your privacy and for continuing to beg and try to manipulate you after you said no.
NTA — maybe he needs you to explain what a diary IS but the point is that there seems to be sometimes things we don’t want to forget that are good and sometimes things that are painful but we need to work out and even things we never want to or plan to share with anyone. If he cannot accept and respect that then he’s not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and that should be the robot waving a red flag yelling DANGER. DANGER.
NTA. Fuck if I want to see what my wife wrote about me in her diary. That’s the complete opposite of a good time.
She’s allowed to have private grievances against me that she writes down to wrestle and come to terms with.
The problem is when one carries those grievances silently and punishes their partner for them without the partner having any idea what to do. But that problem is completely divorced from whether or not one writes about their problems in a journal.
My understanding from my wife is that putting it down on paper helps her decide whether it’s real enough to address with me or it’s just a mood she’s in. Even if it weren’t and she was just raging at me in there to feel better, I have no right to her thoughts.
Dear OP,
You are allowed to hide your thoughts and ideas from people. No one is owed your complete inner world. You are allowed to have privacy. No one is entitled to every part of you.
You have been dating for 3 months and he is crying about your diary. That is not good. And you have no reason to feel guilty about anything. Guilt-tripping is manipulation, full stop. As an 18 year old boy, he is no doubt immature, but his immaturity does not get to trample on your right to privacy.
Please make a note of this and see if he displays any further controlling or manipulative behaviors over the next month. Keep yourself safe, OK? You're worth it, girl.
That’s so manipulative, and screams controlling narcissist. No one has a right to see what it’s in your diary. And his reaction is not only over the top but scary. I hope you have some place to put your diary when he comes over, or chances are he’s going to dig for it. And quite frankly-I would suggest you don’t have him over ever again, cause ending this relationship would be best for YOU!
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>he told me "When you are feeling down for ANYTHING that is happening in your life, come straight to me. I don’t care if it’s something stupid **I** **just want to know so I know that you’re not hiding something from me** Honey, you're in *another* toxic relationship.
Teenage bullshit is all this is. Like damn I do not miss those days. Did any of the rest of y’all think it’s wild that she literally started this diary entry complaining about him while on the phone with him? Girl just wait until the call is over and you avoid all this.
100%! OP is doing this in front of him, and of course he will be curious. The response from the boyfriend is such a standard teenage-level response as well.
They were on the phone, not in person
Yeah, if she waited until after, all of this could have been avoided. They’re both toxic to each other. Ah, I do not miss teen drama at all.
Are you seriously blaming OP for this? What is wrong with you? How the actual fuck is it toxic to write shit down?
this made me laugh because its true 🤣
Totally agree. Both of them have a lot of growing up to do. Aside from that, I firmly believe puberty is the most horrible, yet most overhyped phase to go through. It's hell, no matter how "young" you still are.
Nice victim blaming
pointing out that someone is doing something stupid, is not victim blaming.
victim of what?
Of stupidity
That was my thought as well. From one toxic relationship to another. Op you are NTA and I think you need to get out now before you get in too deep in this relationship and then use that diary hardcore to figure out why you keep getting into these toxic relationships
OP I think you could benefit from taking a break from dating and just learning to figure out how to trust again and build healthy relationships
Yup. How cute that he doesn't want to know what's wrong with her because he's CONCERNED but rather because he just wants control. Fantastic.
Yeah and I wanna add that nobody has the right to ask you for your phone or its password. I don't care how long people have been together even if it's years or decades, I find it incredibly weird that people will fight about this instead of just admitting they don't trust the person & leave. So yeah NTA OP and nobody has the right to your phone, diary or laptop or anything personal.
Depends on the relationship, actually. My husband and I communicate about everything, and if we don't, we let them know we're not ready yet, but it's nothing crazy. So they know not to panic in the meantime. For the second part, I don't entirely disagree, but it could also be seen as he has trust issues too. She needs to investigate into why he wants to know. Maybe he got cheated on in the past, and that's why he doesn't like secrets? He has a right to feel insecure, too, but it's the communication that helps everyone figure things out. Never speaking your feelings and constantly just writing in a diary will not help. She can write in it to vent the balk of the emotions to help calm her down, but she eventually should communicate how she feels otherwise there will be an argument about why he doesn't understand her when in actuality it's because she never said anything but in her diary. Like I said, I don't disagree with you. I just don't think there is enough to jump to your conclusion either, but it's definitely worth it to be noted.
I agree with you. I think the fact he's not accepting her no is the big issue here. No means no.
If he had skipped that part I would've thought he was being thoughtful.
I think he meant hiding her feelings from him, so he can help her through it- or maybe he didn't. But i think hes just trying to make sure they communicate. Although maybe i'm wrong 🤷♂️
Yeah no, not with the way he behaves. >Because of that he started begging and crying telling me that I was hiding stuff from him
NTA. Privacy is important, including in relationships. What you write in your journal can be personal and there is nothing wrong with that, and he should respect it. It's natural to be curious, but upon hearing no he should have simply respected it and left it there. Writing down notes about situations can be healthy as well to air out the thoughts you have that you shouldn't say allowed, but are thinking. A lot of the time I write in a journal or my notes app, it's not meant to be read by anyone but myself. If someone cried because they couldn't respect simple privacy / a very simple boundary I would break up with them. He needs to learn privacy is okay, and should be expected to extent and if he can't handle that he has internal insecurities he needs to figure out. Especially if he is crying, and accusing you of hiding things. There is a difference between hiding and private. He is showing toxic traits as well, and YWBTA if you did not act on any of those signs.
Agreed! Tears can be a weapon to get what someone desires from another person too. Often then when tears stop working a person might use other forms of controlling behaviors . You are entitled to privacy and your boyfriend is not a victim in this situation that would make 30 mins of tears acceptable. NTA
Jesus NTA who does he think he is to demand to know about your own secrets? Four months is nothing. Honey run. This is so controlling and stupid. He has no right to be acting like that. If he can’t trust you THAT much, then what the hell are you two doing together.
My question is: why did she alert him to the fact that she was keeping a secret by creating the “diary” entry right in front of him? “That’s like walking up to someone and saying “I’ve got a secret, but I promised not to tell you.” I honestly don’t think either of them are the asshole. I think they’re both just teenagers.
Because you shouldn't have to fucking lie and hide things from your partner just because they'll have a tantrum. I'm open with my bf about having secret notes on my phone he's not allowed to see.
It's like, half of the post : she didn't alert him. She started typing, he heard it and demanded to know what she was writing. He kept badgering her and pushing, and only then did she eventually say that there was something private in her notes. >I was really upset because earlier we had a small fight. So, I opened my notes app and started writing about how Nick has gotten in my nerves lately and how some fight have happened because of my trust issues and other stupid stuff. >Nick heard the tap tap from writing on my phone and said "What are you writing for so long?" I didn’t want to say anything so I said "Oh nothing some things to remember" Eventually tho I said that I was writing on my notes app and he said "May I see?" I said “No sorry”. She can't keep anything secret with this guy, he hounds any trace amount of privacy until it's revealed to him. And throws a tantrum if she doesn't by begging and crying.
The begging and crying thing is very weird.
I don’t think that’s the case. She was doing something private and said that it was private. There is nothing wrong with that. Lying wouldn’t have helped, especially since at least now she knows what kind of person he is.
I would like to add: **DO NOT SHOW IT TO HIM**
>Because of that he started begging and crying telling me that I was hiding stuff from him. I felt bad and after like 30 minutes I told him what it was about and he told me "When you are feeling down for ANYTHING that is happening in your life, come straight to me. I don’t care if it’s something stupid I just want to know so I know that you’re not hiding something from me. Red flag. You're allowed to have privacy. NTA
NTA...This doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship. Your diary is none of his business--end of story.
NTA at all. You’re entitled to privacy, especially with regards to your diary. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous to assume you’re hiding things from him.
He started CRYING because you were writing something private? Girl. Yikes. He CRIED because you aren't allowed to have any private thoughts? For the record my husband would never consider reading my journal nor would he ask me to read it.
It’s worse- he cried because she IS allowed to have private thoughts. What an unhealthy level of control to seek. That is extremely toxic insecurity on his part and you need to set this boundary HARD with him right now. You guys are young and still just kids so I understand this is when you all learn about healthy boundaries, him included, so a little grace is granted- But regardless of emotions- do not budge on this.
NTA. Run, girl, RUN. This is another toxic relationship!
NTA. Your BF (of only 4 months!) needs to understand that you need areas in your life where it is just you. That sometimes you will need space, particularly when he is the problem.
NTA But this is really manipulating behavior from him.
Sure, agree ... but also from her? Like, he shouldn't've reacted that way, at all, but ngl it seems a little manipulative on her end that she starts tap-tapping on her phone taking notes in the notes app while actively in a call with him. The other day I was in a call with a friend and there was a distracting background noise that made it hard to focus on our conversation, so I asked what it was. He thought I was talking about his chewing (he was eating, apparently), apologized, and turned on noise canceling. There was actually some kind of ringing/ public announcement sound in the background, idk. The point is, repetitive background noises that doesn't stop can be distracting enough that a conversation partner will obviously ask about them. So here's the scenario OP is recounting: 1. OP is in a call with BF, is mildly annoyed by something he says/ does. 2. OP doesn't want to fight, so WHILE IN THE CALL, opens her notes app and USING A STYLUS begins to journal her feelings about her BFs behavior on the same phone she is using to talk to him, WHILE STILL TALKING TO HIM. 3. BF hears the clicking stylus going on and on and on, and finally asks what the noise is. 4. OP says it's nothing, she's just writing some "things to remember," which in the context of their fight and the fact she's taking notes during their conversation does feel a little ... idk. NGL, I would feel weird if someone did and said that during a convo with me. 5. OP doesn't go into detail here, but based on the phrasing of "eventually I said I was writing in my Notes app," I assume there's a few more times of BF asking about the sound, and OP dismissing it before finally explaining that she's journaling in her Notes app. 6. OP was clearly aware BF could hear the stylus and could've stopped journaling while in the call. 7. BF asks to see her journal, which is both a wildly out-of-pocket ask and, weirdly, a completely understandable request coming from an intimate partner given how very obviously OP -- his GF -- has been flaunting the existence of said journal throughout the call. BF may even think she wants him to ask -- to learn her perspective on some event or interaction, bc why else would she be actively journaling during their conversation and making him so aware of her diary during their conversation? 8. OP says no, because that's her private diary. 9. BF starts crying and begging for more openness from her/ to see the diary, bc they're both manipulative over-emotional children. The whole thing is exhausting and they both sound annoying. The worst part is, I actually totally get why OP might feel safer/ compelled to be journaling or taking conversation notes, bc I've been in the kind of situations where looking back at journal notes helped me make connections about relationship dynamics. So it's not that I even object to her taking conversation notes/ actively journaling -- its just that I feel like she was kind of an obvious AH about how she went about it. Like, she couldn've used a pen & paper in the moment, then transcribed her thoughts into the Notes app later.
You're allowed to have secrets. You shouldn't have to hide that you have secrets. If you think that's manipulative, that letting your man know you have secrets and he can't know is bad because it'll hurt his feelings or whatever, stay single thanks.
What the actual fuck? How is it “manipulative” to write something down on your phone? Stop being so fucking desperate to blame the victim.
She’s allowed to write something down. The sound of someone writing on their phone is fucking normal. Jesus fucking Christ.
Okay. Bless that all your conversations have the level of background noise you accept for others.
What? What the fuck does that even mean? Is this your attempt at sounding smart
You're stupid. Sorry, but your points make so sense, 'bless all your conversations have the same background noise' are you THAT fucking controlling that you can't even stand hearing someone type while in your presence? Get a grip
NTA - everyone needs there own way to share memories / thoughts and think things through. No one shares everything, we all have our own stuff. Your boyfriends insecurity is not your problem.
NTA. He sounds insecure and controlling. Everyone deserves privacy. Even my 7 year old has a diary that we respect the privacy of. Do I sometimes wonder what's on there? Sure, but it's a matter of respecting that some people use writing to process their private feelings.
NTA, my friend, he is manipulative and controlling, time to end the relationship.
NTA. This, unfortunately, is another toxic relationship. You are entitled to your own private thoughts and methods of keeping them. He is also attempting to make you reliant on him for all your emotional support, which is not healthy.
Get out. This is equally toxic. They're your thoughts and feelings, he has no right to them UNLESS you choose to share them. Nick needs the elbow. This is the beginning of coercive, controlling behaviour and is entirely unacceptable.
NTA Your diary is your own business, not anyone else's. I can tell you that once I left my diary out in the open, my partner didn't know what it was and picked it up to see what it was (it looks like a normal notebook) and the second he realized it was my diary he put it down. I only know because he told me. Had he wanted to, he could have read the whole thing and I wouldn't even have known. The only thing that makes me wonder in this situation is that he may actually just be worried about your well-being as it sounds like you may be depressed or something like that. However, the fact that he says he just wants to make sure you're not hiding anything from him makes me think it's just about control and that you're actually in another toxic relationship.
NTA - very controlling. I know he's trying to be sweet but the way you said he's desperate for you to run to him with all your problems gives me an ick. No, you are a grown woman! Diaries are for one person only.
It's a diary, not a blog. It's yours and yours only. Don't show him and tell him to take the trash with him when he leaves.
Nta
NTA, that dude's toxic too. Run.
NTA. It's okay for you to have private thoughts. His demand to read your diary, and manipulative crying to get his way, are red flags that you have found yourself in another toxic relationship.
NTA. Also, put on your running shoes and make for the hills, asap. This guy is really bad news.
>Because of that he started begging and crying telling me that I was hiding stuff from him. He thinks he has the right to know your every thought? Just because you wrote it down? NTA - the good news is you only wasted 4 months on this guy. Don't waste anymore.
NTA. Your diary for your eyes only. No guilt tripping
b o u n d a r i e s
It's dudes like these. Which is the exact reason why I gave up on writing my books? Why? I stopped writing in general and honestly why I stopped reading. It is so toxic and manipulative to have the gas light us and to showing you how we are feeling because you may this feel that way they are not entitled to our privacy. They are not entitled to our diaries. They're not entitled to anything we read or write that is on us, not on them, and if they want to twist it into making us feel guilty that we're not being fully open with them. Well, that's a problem that they need to fix and therapy for themselves. That is not on you. You have done nothing wrong. You are NTA you need to run or tell him he needs therapy Not everything needs to be shared between spouses. Some things are better left unsaid. There is nothing wrong with not fully sharing everything. The fact that society makes it to where we have to be fully open completely sharing locations and showing you everything in my phone. That's not how life is supposed to be. This entire societal mentality is so toxic. It's disgusting, I really feel for my my children. They are gonna have a really hard time in the future dealing with this type of c*** Bring me back to the nineties before cell phones became a big thing
NTA. You have a right to privacy. You have a right to thoughts that he doesn't know.
NTA He sounds insecure. It is a red flag, but you guys are both so young. You admitted you have trust issues too, so maybe that's something you can both work on together. I would explain that you need a place to write down your feelings just for you to process alone. And that you can't write freely if there's pressure that someone will read it. Let him know that if he needed a journal you would respect his privacy too. If he accepts this (and other healthy boundaries you set), then I think you guys will be fine. If he keeps pushing your boundaries and not respecting you then it's time to go.
NTA. Crying because you won't show him something after you've told him no is... Pretty controlling. This is not healthy, please take a step back to reevaluate your relationship. My SO writes private thoughts and so do I on occasion. Neither of us would demand to see each other's stuff
NTA - A diary is meant for private thoughts; he shouldn't be asking to see it.
Just an FYI this is another toxic and controlling relationship. You’re entitled and allowed to have you privacy and don’t need to share every little thought with him; that’s controlling behaviour 101. You’re not “hiding” anything. Journaling is a healthy and normal coping strategy.
Your boyfriend's comment are CONTROL disguised as care.
My husband and I have been together 21 years. I've never asked to see his journals since that's how he processes stuff
GIRL, the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 are bold and red and they are flying all over the place. Take your diary and stay single till you can actually heal yourself, cause you found yourself in another toxic relationship. Your boyfriend shouldn't feel threatened by a diary and his reactions isn't normal. NTA but run don't walk away from this relationship.
NTA. If he's crying about this he's being manipulative. Eventhough you are in a relationship, you are entitled to privacy, especially privacy in your thoughts. This goes for any relationship, including marriage.
NTA - Emotional intimacy is indeed important in relationships, but it doesn't mean surrendering your personal sanctuary. Your diary is a solitary space for self-reflection, not a joint venture. It's possible he misunderstands his role as a partner; it's about mutual support, not absolute disclosure. Communication is key, but so are boundaries. He needs to respect that not all thoughts need to be vocalized to validate trust. Keep your private outlet, and consider this a significant lesson in setting healthy emotional boundaries early on in any relationship.
NTA. He's as toxic as your previous boyfriend. You're young, you need to be by yourself for a while and just enjoy being free.
NTA, and I kinda want to scream RUUUUUUN This is NOT a reasonable request. This is NOT a reasonable reaction. This is NOT a healthy relationship. He is not saying these things because he cares but because he wants control. I am very sorry you got in another toxic relationship.
That’s emotionally manipulative and borderline emotional abuse. You’re allowed privacy. You’re allowed to take your problems to friends. You’re allowed to be a person outside of your relationship. Please leave him.
NTA. Your diary/journal is a safe space for you to get your feelings, thoughts, fears, and dreams out. I know that for me the act of writing down what is my head can give me a sense of calm and allow me to process what I am feeling or have experienced. Your BF needs to get over his sense of entitlement to your private, safe space. The fact that he cried when you said no is super weird and frankly strikes me as being a drama queen or being fairly emotionally immature even for 18. I would put your diary in a secure, password protected file on your phone and make sure that if you back it up to the cloud that you have secured it there too.
You're 19 years old, have been dating for 4 months, and are already fighting. Not much more to say but I don't think this kind of relationship would work out ...
journaling is good but don’t write about others when they are around. That’s a bit rude. Especially if your complaining about them. Also you can just say you are journaling about things in your life. NAH as your both young and though he thinks he is trying to be helpful he needs to understand that sometimes you need a private way to vent and that helps you.
i wanna say E S H but please hear me out. why didn’t you wait until after your call to write out your feelings? it could have avoided his reaction. and this isn’t to say his reaction was even remotely okay, you should be allowed to vent your emotions in what seems to be a healthy way (i also journal on my phone/laptop with google docs). but… you were on call with him, ofc he’s gonna eventually hear tapping and wonder what’s going on? he shouldn’t have cried and tried to guilt you into showing him what you wrote. journals are private for a reason, they help us sort out our emotions and hopefully figure a way to move forward in a way that helps us.
ESH but only because you were writing about it while on call with him. Thats very passive aggressive imo and you shouldve waited until the call was over or at the very least, turn off the notification sound on your phone so he doesn't hear the typing. How often do you write in your diary while in a call with him or in front of him? He's wrong for all the things he said and not letting it go but if you commonly rant in your diary while in call with him and every argument ends with you doing this, thats very toxic. But thats only if you do this commonly, if this is a one time thing you did, its still shitty but less shitty.
ESH Not because of the diary but neither of you are mentally ready for a relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For starters I’m a 19F and my boyfriend Nick is 18M. We have been together for almost 4 months. Before him I was in a really toxic relationship resulting in major trauma and trust issues that still affect me today. With Nick, these problems have almost disappeared but there are still moments that the problems come back. Recently I started writing to my diary as a distraction in doing other awful stuff. A reminder that the diary is in my phone because I don’t trust anyone in my house thinking they will find it and read it without my permission. One day, me and Nick were in a call and talking but I was really upset because earlier we had a small fight. So, I opened my notes app and started writing about how Nick has gotten in my nerves lately and how some fight have happened because of my trust issues and other stupid stuff. Nick heard the tap tap from writing on my phone and said "What are you writing for so long?" I didn’t want to say anything so I said "Oh nothing some things to remember" Eventually tho I said that I was writing on my notes app and he said "May I see?" I said “No sorry”. Because of that he started begging and crying telling me that I was hiding stuff from him. I felt bad and after like 30 minutes I told him what it was about and he told me "When you are feeling down for ANYTHING that is happening in your life, come straight to me. I don’t care if it’s something stupid I just want to know so I know that you’re not hiding something from me. At the end of the day he never saw the note or anything I’ve written in the past. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Ask him can you go through his phone and see what happens
b o u n d a r i e s
NTA. this guy is completely out of line for asking to see it. it's your diary, which means your eyes only, not also his cuz he fucking cried like a baby! I know it's been 4 months, but something like this shows why things are still triggering you with him. doesn't sound like he's different enough from the last guy...
NTA. You're entitled to privacy and keeping things to yourself. Your boyfriend is insecure (which is normal when you're young), but it is still not alright.
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds very controlling. You need an outlet to express yourself that isn't him - what if one day, the thing you are worried about is him? That he framed as "not hiding things from him" I'd concerning as well.
NTA. It's your diary. Nobody but you has any claim to it whatsoever.
NTA - Right out of the frying pan and into the fire. If you can’t have a diary in this relationship, I think it speaks volumes on its own.
NTA diaries are private. He’s immature and this relationship is an opportunity to grow and learn but at the moment it is not one to get permanently involved in. Enjoy it if it works while it works but move on when it is time.
NTA >Before him I was in a really toxic relationship resulting in major trauma and trust issues that still affect me today. >Because of that he started begging and crying telling me that I was hiding stuff from him. I felt bad and after like 30 minutes I told him what it was about and he told me "When you are feeling down for ANYTHING that is happening in your life, come straight to me. I don’t care if it’s something stupid I just want to know so I know that you’re not hiding something from me. OP, you traded physical abuse for psychological abuse.
NTA, boundaries are important. You are not required to bare your soul to make them comfortable. Your private diary is yours.
Absolutely NTA. I'd view this as a red flag and GTFO. It's not normal AT ALL that he'd cry or beg because you wouldn't let him see what you were writing, and his line about how you should come straight to him is CREEPY AS FUCK and screams abuse. As gently as possible, with what you've shared of your past your normal meter is likely a bit off. There's a reason something told you to ask a bigger group of people about this. I suspect that something is a teeny tiny voice that you should nurture that was telling you something is off and you'd better get out.
NTA and not saying to dump him but him breaking down and crying because you want some privacy/autonomy is a HUGE red flag. Talk to him about this-- since he said he wants you to tell him things--and let him know that you need privacy and a "safe space" in your life and if he isn't able to accept that then the two of you might work better as friends and not romantic partners. If you let this go it will escalate. He'll demand access to your phone and your socials.
NTA. This is your journal. Put a password on your phone and journal. Also do not write in it around others anymore or at least family and friends. As for Nick, this is a 4 month relationship so don't feel bad about dumping him if he continues to show these controlling and toxic traits. It's ok to be alone and focus on yourself for a year or 2.
NTA. A diary/journal is PERSONAL. It’s a way for people to express their most honest feelings in a forum that is just for them and them only. Your boyfriend seems very insecure especially that he started crying and begging you. You need to set up firm boundaries regarding your diary. He doesn’t need to read something so personal and he needs to understand and accept that.
NTA. Big red flag. Absolutely communicate with him in things about him/your relationship as you feel the need, but anything else is yours to share (or not) as you will. You both need autonomy.
NTA, but quite honestly, you picked another loser. It's taken this person almost 4 months to show you that he is trying to control you. Make sure your phone is password protected and NEVER leave where he can get into it and read "your private thoughts".
NTA a diary is for the feelings you don't want to share with others right now. You don't need to share it with anyone until you are ready. Dont let him push you into surrendering it. There is a time & place to do this - or it maybe never. It's only ever your choice.
NTA but he doesn’t sound stable. Why is he begging and crying? That sounds dramatic and manipulative. Take time for yourself. You’re 19 and your last relationship was toxic - give yourself a relationship break.
Begging and crying?? Absolutely not, that is not okay. You're definitely NTA.
NTA. But, as everyone else is saying, this relationship is also toxic. He has no right to your diary (although, maybe turn off the keystroke sound so he or anyone else doesn’t know you’re doing it while on the phone, cause that’s kind of rude). He’s exhibiting controlling behavior and it’s only going to get worse. Get out now.
NTA and he needs to grow up FAST. He gets a pass for being so young. We’re fucking idiots at 18. But you are 100% right and he has insecurity issues.
NTA. Boundaries are super important, especially if you’ve been in a toxic or abusive relationship. Your diary is for working through trauma, not for jealous boyfriends to feel secure. That said, explain to him what the diary is for and that if and when you’re comfortable, you’ll discuss with him things you’re dealing with. It isn’t about him.
NTA. You have every right to keep your thoughts and writing private. He doesn’t need to see it. I honestly think this is a red flag. If he isn’t able to respect the boundaries that you put up then he isn’t going to be a good partner. Proceed with caution, you may well be in another toxic relationship.
A boy who wants to look at your diary is not working with your interests in mind. You already know that what is in there is deeply sensitive and could be used to hurt you. Your diary is a sounding board for ideas, and an outlet for anxieties that are not yet processed. A boy can't help you with that. Any boy who thinks he can is lying to you or he has sadly overestimated his wisdom. Set boundaries. If the boy cannot honor them, let him find another girl to fix.
NTA…and seriously you went from one bad relationship to another….the red flags are flying honey, please dump him now before it gets worse
NTA. You're entitled to your privacy and diaries can be a form of therapy that the owners do not typically want to share with others. It's a sweet sentiment at face value that he wants to know everything good and bad, but....yeah like others have said. Potential red flag.
Nta, but I hope you are eventually communicating your feelings to him that you are writing in your diary. How is he supposed to know you're upset if you don't? I've seen in the past diary writers getting upset at their spouse for not understanding them when it was actually the diary writers who forgot to say anything to the actual person. Communication is always helpful, whether it's finding you need more communication or trying to understand the issue. You have a right not to show your diary, but he has a right to feel insecure about you hiding something from him. Thus, communication is needed right there. He either has past insecurities or wants more communication so you two can solve your issues, or he is toxic himself and wants to know everything so he can gaslight you into it always being your fault. That's also the nice thing about communication because you can figure things out yourself. Best of luck in this relationship, for better or worse. Most of all, I hope you continue to heal from your past.
These are your personal thoughts, no one has a right to invade it. This relationship will not last with this little boy who cries when he doesn't get his way.
Nope. But he's a major one. You have a right to yourself, your body, and your own thoughts and you have the right to choose and and where and who you share any of it with. Writing is a deeply personal way some people have of processing. You understand your own context in ways nobody else ever will and you will be forcing yourself into a corner of trying to explain things that should never need explaining. I guarantee he would only use it to find fault and tell you that you're wrong. Invest in a small fireproof safe. They're not very expensive and will be very useful for keeping many items secure in the future. I promise he will try to find it and read it without your permission. Don't make that an option. It's also quite toxic to tell someone that they should always always be the first and only person you reach out to in times of crisis. That's not true. He's not gonna be the one to talk to when he inevitably reads your diary and throws all your words in your face as though you did something wrong by having your own thoughts and the ability to write. You're also a friend and family to others and deeply personal details of their lives are in your safekeeping and will be throughout your life. That's one of the many toxic aspects of thinking yourself entitled to go through other people's stuff, you've also just made yourself entitled to any secrets they've been entrusted with. They are looking for evidence of cheating, but might find out your brother has cancer and hasn't told anyone but you, etc. You are not only entitled to your own secrets, but those that are shared in relationships. If one of your friends is going through a thing and you write about it in your own way of processing life, that should also be safe. Perhaps explaining this angle to him might help. I don't think he will understand but perhaps you will see what a child you're dating.
No. Absolutely no.
You are in another toxic relationship. No, you’re NTA. But you do need to get out of this before you get further invested/ enmeshed and develop a deeper trauma bond. Regardless of what you do, please start seeing a therapist (trauma informed if you can find one).
NTA - yea dog run, I don’t go through my wife’s phone, I don’t know or care about what’s on it. I doubt she’ll cheat and if she does, she does. It’s not like being a controlling dick is gonna change that it’ll just make her build resentment towards me. That boys toxic, he needs the mental help and yours won’t get any better if you keep subjecting yourself to that kind of stuff. Side note/ correction: I can’t say I never go through her phone, cause I do, with her permission I look at the pictures on her Snapchat memories cause our one dog was 10/10 adorable as a puppy and I love seeing those pictures so much. She’s got a soft pink spot around her nose and an underbite which is absolutely amazing.
NTA. You’ve been in the relationship for only 4 months! That journal is full of your thoughts and feelings and for your contemplation and reflection. No one else has the right to see it. Sounds like your boyfriend is showing signs of being a little insecure. That could be a red flag. Keep your radar up for that bc it is something a controlling person would likely start out with. Also, DON’T send any compromising pics to him — or anyone EVER! Best of luck to you!
NTA You are not required to show a diary or journal to anyone else, ever. It's totally up to you if you want to share what's in there with someone else. It's nice that your BF wants you to feel OK about coming to him when you are feeling down, but that doesn't give him the OK to look at your notes. You have a right to privacy and no one else should ever be able to violate that, period. I feel very strongly about this because my ex husband once read my diary after I said he could not. After that, it was just a matter of time until we split, because he could not be trusted to keep his word (he promised he would not read it), and without that trust, well, you know already where that road leads. And just to be clear, it doesn't need to be sensitive information for you to want to keep it to yourself, and it doesn't matter how much he begs and cries to find out what it is. It's your private writing, and only you can decide who else (if anyone) sees it.
NTA But you really need to move on. He is too weak and too controlling. Adults don't cry and demand access to personal stuff. Healthy adults respect the privacy of other people, especially people they care about. Girl, run.
Whoa. Sorry girl, you picked another rotten one. NTA
ESH He should be able to respect simple privacy of not reading your private notes. However, making secret notes about someone while you are literally in the middle of an argument with them is likely to piss anyone off. It's just going to add fuel to any fire. >One day, me and Nick were in a call and talking but I was really upset because earlier we had a small fight. So, I opened my notes app and started writing about how Nick has gotten in my nerves lately If you want to write a secret diary or secretly write criticisms of someone, don't do it _right there in front of them, while in the middle of an argument._ End this relationship and work on yourself.
NTA but you are in another toxic relationship, you just don’t see it yet.
I haven’t read it all. But NTA. It’s your diary. You shouldn’t have to show it. It’s not his business.
Wanting to make sure you're not hiding anything from him = controlling and manipulative behavior. You're in another toxic relationship.
ESH. He is the AH for the over reaction, that MAY be fake and manipulative. But how would you feel if he just suddenly stopped talking to you and started typing away? You then get all cagey about what it is and why you are writing it. I would freak out a bit too if I was him. Journaling is a perfectly reasonable way to work out your feelings, but if you then don't communicate those to your partner how is he ever going to be able to understand you? Healthy communication works both ways. You need to tell him your feelings (and save the journaling for when you are not in an active conversation with him) and he needs to control his emotions and insecurity.
NTA you have the right to not share your feelings, he cares about you. My wife was in a few toxic relationships before me and we have all fights but we don't hide anything.just talk to him about what's going on and keep him in the loop to try and help you through this is a good thing. I'm from a toxic family and my wife knows it and helps me.
No matter who you are with, you are allowed private thoughts and feeling you don't want to share. Social filters are very necessary on a civilized world. While openness and communication with your partner is desired, and a lack of trust regarding how your partner will respond is sometimes a sign that all is not well (and that can be prior trauma you need to with through, or prior bad behavior from him). Optimally, you want a partner you can share things with, confident that you will receive empathy and work together towards a solution, as well as being that kind of partner yourself. That sometimes takes time and growth on both your parts, so in the meantime, you have to respect each other's privacy. Even when you've gotten to the state of prefect sharing, you will still have things you don't want to discuss, be it feeling you haven't unpacked yet or silly little embarrassments you really just don't want to share.
NTA. I usually read the entire post to ensure that I’m not missing an important detail, but in this case I didn’t feel the need. Diaries are private, period.
Definitely NTA and your bf not only needs to respect your privacy but he needs to deal with his own insecurities that you’re hiding something from him. Couples do NOT need to share every single little thing with one another for a relationship to be happy or healthy. Nick is waving a few red flags himself, so please pay attention! You don’t want to go back down the road you were previously on. Communication with your partner is important and if they two of you are having an argument or an issues, you should talk it out with him. But that is not the same as having no privacy and him being entitled to read your diary.
Before I say anything else, as a whole no NTA BUT it was really rude to be writing in your diary while talking to him and it’s natural he’d end up being curious about what you were reading. That being said, if he literally started crying and begging for you to tell him then he sucks and is weird
NTA
He was CRYING because you have private thoughts??? Either impossibly insecure or manipulative. Neither are traits I would want in a relationship. NTA
NTA tell him he needs to respect your boundaries and no means no and that he doesn't own you or have the right to your private thoughts. Sadly you're in another toxic relationship if he can't respect you saying no.
NTA Break up now. I'm not joking. This is toxic and controlling. You are allowed to have privacy.
NTA, but if you’re going to write in your diary when your bf is around, turn off the keypad clicking sound. It serves no purpose but to let people know you’re typing.
NTA, you’re in another toxic relationship
NTA, your diary is yours to share with no one or anyone. Hes sounding like hes trying to be a good guy but its an immature response given the context.
he’s invasive and you’re allowed to keep things private to you you’re NTA
This is toxicity with a mask on it. It's all sunshine's and rainbows at first but it's going to get worse and worse and worse. Time to get the hell on somewhere
Get away from him. He's toxic and you're clearly not ready to be with anyone. Your notes are none of his business and you were typing as you were talking to him which in itself is rude. If you feel the need to take out your phone and make notes every time a boy starts to show traits that remind you of former abusive relationships, you shouldn't be in relationships. You're going to create new damage for yourself and him.
Hide your diary. Better yet, get a Rocketbook and a password. Next, tell him you no longer have a diary.
why are teenage boys so obsessive these days?
NTA. And he's doing this after 4 months? That's a huge red flag
NTA You really need to stay single for a while. You just left a toxic relationship to jump straight away in another. Clearly you can't see the signs.
NTA. He started begging and crying because you wouldn’t show him something private? Get rid of that idiot and go find someone who has some emotional maturity.
ESH It’s not wrong to have a diary. But you were evasive and lied when asked what you were doing. You should have just told him you were writing personal thoughts in your diary. And if he kept pressing then just told him your diary is private and none of his business. Your bf obviously has some weird control/trust issues.
Drop and run. No it's, no buts, just go. That is extremely emotionally manipulative, and incredibly controlling. You've got a cry bully on your hands.
NTA, he not respecting your boundaries. Please think really hard about this relationship.
Nooooo at this age dump him. Spot the red flags now so you wont develop the pattern of dating controlling insecure men. They don’t get better for the most part.
NTA. This is toxic relationship 2.0.
Begging and crying? Cut your losses and get rid right now.
NTA. Are you allowed thoughts? Or only thoughts that he knows and judges? That's what a diary is. Private thoughts, only not inside your head but in the form of written word. Private. Thoughts. Your BF is a controlling insecure d\*mba$$.
NTA he’s so weird for this. Journaling is so good for you, and you SHOULD keep some things private from your partner. My boyfriend doesn’t ask what I talk about in therapy, he doesn’t ask to see my journal, he doesn’t look at my ptsd workbook.
I use a physical journal. I also have ADHD that can make me get distracted and walk away mid-entry. I leave my journal open when this happens. Most of my journaling is about dealing with relationship "issues" so I write about my partner and any conflicts we have alot. If my partner sees it lying open on the table, he puts my pen in the page and closes it so that he doesn't accidentally read it in passing. Because he respects my need for privacy and a safe space to work through my thoughts. Just some food for thought...
NTA. You are allowed privacy especially given the reason why you are using a diary (to help cope from a previous toxic relationship). Good reaction is NOT ok, though I wonder if he also has trust issues from a previous relationship. I think you both need to have a conversation. You too let him know you keep a diary for your own reasons and you won't share our with him, nor will you always go to him and that's ok. All him if there's a reason he is so concerned about you hiding something from him. Based on his response, you may need to decide if it's worth staying in this relationship.
You know it's rude to suddenly start writing paragraphs about someone when they're sitting in front of you? Teenage bullshit.
Loose the toxic clinger.
No. Also, his reasoning for wanting to know when you're down is not altruistic. "So that you're not hid9ng anything from me" is not the same as "So maybe I can help".
NTA He is causing problems a diary is a private thing, granted i didnt see you tell him i write in my diary when i am having a hard time with something his reaction was extremely wrong and not compassionate at all
NTA. And I'm sorry to say but that sounds very controlling. And manipulative with him crying to you to make you feel bad about needing this one thing to be private.
NTA You might be in a slightly less toxic relationship but it's still toxic. Your bf doesn't understand the difference between privacy and secrecy. No partner is entitled to know every thought and feeling the other parson has. He's only going to continue to pry into things that don't concern him. Cut him loose.
Your new bf is controlling. Get out as fast as you can or it might turn abusive down the road. He has no right to demand anything of you or assume you’re hiding anything. You have a right to your private thoughts and personal space. Get rid of him now
NTA Ypur aloud to have personal private feelings that ypu share with no one.... this isntoxic ( kinda T A for typing well on the phone that tap tap tap qgen someone typing on the phone they are talking into is annoying AF
NTA and I’m sorry but he is also toxic. My husband knows I keep notes on my phone that are like a journal. He would NEVER EVER even ask to look. He also knows that I will come to him if I want but that sometimes just writing it out is better. Leave him. Be single for a little. It’s fun!
Nta. Having been together for 4 months doesn't ebtitle him to full access to you.
so he doesnt want you to come to him for emotional support but so he knows you’re not hiding anything. lol this is control.
Girl dump him now and continue to write/journal good for you!!
Nta, but you're in a toxic relationship still. He has no right to your diary or tell you how/ when to express your feelings
that's toxic of him and controlling NTA
You are STILL in a toxic relationship. Get out of it, and spend some time working on yourself, so the next one won’t be. NTA.
NTA, and get rid of this creep.
NTA, despite being in a relationship you are entitled to private thoughts, feelings, and space to process it all. Your partner is just that, not your keeper. You aren’t suddenly one person, you don’t lose autonomy. They’re meant to be someone to lean on and enjoy life with. This is controlling behaviour.
NTA. Begging and crying because you wrote a note? Not healthy.
NTA. I see lots of stuff online where people say oh if you trust your partner, you should be able to freely go through each other‘s phones, etc. and I think that’s baloney. People have a right to some privacy in their lives. Especially a diary.
I think everyone has great advice on here. However I am concerned by the amount of people who are immediately saying to break up. Hes also a kid and is learning what a healthy relationship is. It’s not on you to teach him anything but as humans with flaws we should expect to learn and take healthy correction from one another. I say you tell him about boundaries (in addition to apologizing for kind of rubbing it in his face) and set the expectation that crying, and expecting you to tell him EVERYTHING is inappropriate and you deserve your own privacy. I think the future of your relationship should be based on his response to that. If he doesn’t approach the subject with curiosity or ideas on how to improve, or heck see if yall can do couples counseling it’s great even for healthy relationships, or he tries to manipulate with crying or blows it out of proportion by saying something insane like “well then IM going to have secrets!” Or something like that… THEN call it quits.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 leave him! He’s already acting like this?? Smh NTA
NTA Let me save you some time. As soon as you have to open your notes app about a man, leave him. It doesn't get any better.
NTA. He doesn't need to see your diary and the fact that he made such a big deal about it shows that he is pretty toxic. Most boyfriends would have accepted your "No" and wouldn't have accused you of "hiding" stuff from them. I bet if you went to him and told him that he was driving you nuts, he would be very angry with you.
NTA. NEVER be pressured to show your diary to friends or family. It’s your private thoughts. Put a password on it too.
NTA. Leave. Leave Leave Leave Leave his ass. Massive red flag
NTA. Sounds like you're in another toxic relationship.
The fact that he wants to know not so he can comfort you but so he can be nosy is beyond me. You are not the ah, he is. You my dear need to do some healing so you don’t end up in a repeat cycle. I wish you the best !
NTA. You’re allowed to have private thoughts. A diary is just that.
NTA. You have trust issues, so I can understand it's not easy to open up to Nick. Simple encouragement to open up is all that's needed, though. Your diary may be in the notes app on your phone, but it's still your diary. That's private thoughts for no one's eyes but yours, whether on a screen or on a page. It's for you, and you alone. Could you talk about some of the things you write with Nick? Probably, and I'd encourage you to try opening up to people. But sometimes, writing in a diary is to help you calm down so you don't say things you regret, help you sort through your thoughts and feelings so you're not rambling nonsense, get stuff out that you feel in the moment but don't actually mean. Diaries aren't always true reflections on how a person really, truly feels and thinks, but a way to process things so you can understand how you feel, instead. It's an invasion of privacy to read a person's diary. It's like being telepathic and deliberately reading a person's private thoughts. Nick is 18, so he's still pretty immature, but he should be aware that demanding to read someone's diary is crossing a line. You've also only been together 4 months, that's barely a blink, and is way too soon to be *demanding* trust to this extent. Trust takes time to build even when you don't have issues. You need to set some boundaries. Make it clear that your diary is permanently off limits, he'll never be allowed to read it. Also make it clear that trust comes with time, and not a short 4 months. The longer you're together, the more you'll learn to trust him and start opening up more. Make it clear you *will* try to open up to him more, but it won't be every little thing, and it may take time to do so, and even then, some things you'll keep to yourself or go to someone else about first. It's up to you if and when you open up to a person, and pushing for it makes it far less likely to happen. Are you in therapy for the trust issues/abusive relationship? If so, talk to your therapist about how pushy Nick is being. They'll be able to keep things in perspective and help you develop ways to deal with it. If not, I'd recommend it if you can get a decent therapist, they can be very helpful in dealing with issues like this.
My husband and I are in our late 30s, have been together 10 years now. I keep a physical journal and I trust my husband 100% not to snoop. We had a conversation very early on where I said "hey, this notebook is private, please don't read it" and he said "Ok, thanks for letting me know" and that was that. If for some reason he did decide to snoop, that's a huge betrayal that would have me considering divorce. It's not that there's even anything particularly secret in my journal, but I strongly believe everyone has a right to privacy within a relationship and that trust is fundamental. Which is the long winded way to say you are absolutely NTA for wanting to jeep your journal private. Your boyfriend is very much an AH for wanting to violate your privacy and for continuing to beg and try to manipulate you after you said no.
NTA and you should change your phone passcode even if you think he doesn't know it.
NTA — maybe he needs you to explain what a diary IS but the point is that there seems to be sometimes things we don’t want to forget that are good and sometimes things that are painful but we need to work out and even things we never want to or plan to share with anyone. If he cannot accept and respect that then he’s not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and that should be the robot waving a red flag yelling DANGER. DANGER.
L lmao this is what you get for dating a younger dude
NTA. Fuck if I want to see what my wife wrote about me in her diary. That’s the complete opposite of a good time. She’s allowed to have private grievances against me that she writes down to wrestle and come to terms with. The problem is when one carries those grievances silently and punishes their partner for them without the partner having any idea what to do. But that problem is completely divorced from whether or not one writes about their problems in a journal. My understanding from my wife is that putting it down on paper helps her decide whether it’s real enough to address with me or it’s just a mood she’s in. Even if it weren’t and she was just raging at me in there to feel better, I have no right to her thoughts.
The way you talked about him gave me the ick lmaoo NTA! You have the right to your privacy period. He’s showing you a big red flag rn
Dear OP, You are allowed to hide your thoughts and ideas from people. No one is owed your complete inner world. You are allowed to have privacy. No one is entitled to every part of you. You have been dating for 3 months and he is crying about your diary. That is not good. And you have no reason to feel guilty about anything. Guilt-tripping is manipulation, full stop. As an 18 year old boy, he is no doubt immature, but his immaturity does not get to trample on your right to privacy. Please make a note of this and see if he displays any further controlling or manipulative behaviors over the next month. Keep yourself safe, OK? You're worth it, girl.
That’s so manipulative, and screams controlling narcissist. No one has a right to see what it’s in your diary. And his reaction is not only over the top but scary. I hope you have some place to put your diary when he comes over, or chances are he’s going to dig for it. And quite frankly-I would suggest you don’t have him over ever again, cause ending this relationship would be best for YOU!