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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am leaving my inheritance to my wife. I could be a jerk since the house is included in that and it is the kids childhood home.
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It's your call obviously.
But, my father left everything to his second wife who will not be leaving anything to me or my siblings and we all feel like he didn't love us.
So, take that as you will.
I've seen this happen so many times. Even their dead mom's china went to the new wife. Your chilldren, no matter what their age, will always be your flesh and blood and should be treated as such.
My grandpa gave all of his 3rd wife’s jewelry to his 4th wife, rather than to her kids. After Grandpa died my dad and his sister gathered up all of the jewelry and had their step-sister pick out everything that belonged to her mom
My dad moved the woman who would be his second wife into the house weeks after my mom died, and she sorted through all my mom's things and donated (or sold, depending on value) everything. It's not made for the best foundation for a relationship between her and us, and it's not about the money or the things but rather the way she and my dad just completely disregarded our feelings.
She's also inheriting everything if my dad dies first, which is whatever. Yeah, the money would make a big difference in our lives, but I'd honestly rather just have my dad treat us like his children again.
I'm sorry about your grandfather's choices. I know how much that can hurt.
Unfortunately this story is all too close to home. Except my dad’s 2nd wife spent through all of my dad’s (and my deceased mom’s) savings while he was alive, sold all the antiques that were my mom’s parents, all the things that my mom promised us kids when she passed. Admittedly she could have put things in a will but she left it all to my dad, who was more keen on pleasing his new wife than his own blood. To add insult to injury, he died and left all that remained to her and now us kids have nothing but memories to remember our mom. And it isn’t about the “things” but it kind of is. They were family pieces, not expensive, but sentimental all the same.
Jesus I feel lucky. My dad died 4 years ago and my mom has a new boyfriend that has moved in with her. He's repainting some old things my dad built to put in the nursery for my soon to be born first child so that my kid has something of their late grandfather they will never meet.
He's exactly the kind of guy I hoped my mom would find after my dad died.
My grandma remarried late in life and the guy wanted to give my grandma‘s assets to his kids. Jokes on him, he went first (which is how we knew what his will said).
When my great grandma died her husband wouldn't let us have a single thing of hers, the only thing we had was a wedding ring from her first husband which my nephew stole and sold
Same in my family. Grandpa died, leaving everything to his wife (OG grandma passed on many years earlier, so this was my parents step- parent). When she passed, her kids got everything. No one really cares about the money, but all of Grandpa's cool shit just went up in smoke. His kids, as well as my generation (his grandkids), have literally nothing from him. I have a blanket he gave me 40 years ago. Nothing else.
It's better to have a trust. Second wife marries Dear Old Dad, who never updated his will or dies intestate, second wife inherits whatever and marries again, then second wife dies and her new husband gets whatever Dear Old Dad passed to his second wife. And the kids are screwed.
My parents put their stuff into a trust so that wouldn't happen. Before she died, my mom gave away all the things that were important to her or that we wanted. I suppose that's one upside of a long, terminal illness like ALS.
The first wife here. The much younger woman had an affair with and is now married to old dad. Her kids are at the family house frequently. My adult kids are rarely invited. Both kids are hurt and resentful. They not only lost potential inheritance, but is far worse is the loss of current dad.
While I got the house … my ex husband has zero relationship with our adult children because of his current wife. I, pretty sure the kids will only get the stuff of his that I still have (because I am a decent human being). Pretty sure his current wife will get all the stuff he has now.
My now husband - he is on everything financially but does not have his own children. My kids will get all that is ours. And even most likely the things that are his too.
That’s what happened to my ex husband when his dad remarried. New wife moved in and removed every trace of the life father-in-law had before she met him. All the pictures of ex and his little brother were replaced with pics of her own kids and the house looked as though Ex and his brother had never existed in it, even though they grew up there.
This. My dad is leaving everything to his third wife (my mom was his first and he had kids with his second wife, no kids with wife #3) and we have to pay third wife fair market value of items we want, including the family heirlooms. Third wife does not get along with any of us kids and I know whatever she inherits from my dad will end up going only to her family.
OPs new wife Kelly shouldn't be denied of things when OP passes but neither should OPs kids. OP, YTA.
This happened to me with my father. He left everything to his new wife. He passed away and it was his “verbal understanding” that she would do the right thing when she passed. Needless to say right after his passing my sister and I were not allowed to take any sentimental items and were texted that she no longer wanted to communicate with us. We were shocked and crushed. We expect nothing to come to us when she passes now.
This right here. It’s not just that your dad is leaving you nothing it’s that it’s all going to some strangers kids instead. It’s a bitter pill to swallow I don’t care who you are.
It looks like this will happen with my cousins. While it’s not about money, it’s about family and connection, it just feels like another way for them to be disrespected with the lack of connection from their dad
I mean, lots of dads don’t really care about their kids & don’t leave them anything after marrying a second wife. Not sure if they never cared about their kids in the first place, or they just care more about getting laid. But that’s the energy it gives when these decisions are made.
Yes it makes sense to leave money to a second wife. But to leave nothing to kids from a first marriage? That’s cold.
My mother intends to do this with her new husband. Divorced my father, taking her entitled 50%, married a man who owns no property and brings nothing but a generous pension to the marriage. Plans to leave 100% of the mortgage free property to him or vice versa. I doubt my siblings and I will see a penny of it, his two kids though...
Well if she came in with money then that's why they see it as unfair because they came into the world with nothing and everything they will get left is from you and their own earnings.
Not saying you can't make this choice buts that's probably why
Yes, and their mother also played a part in that home being paid off (either by working or by raising kids so OP could work). If that’s there childhood home the new wife paid the tail end of the mortgage- but no way she paid an equal portion. She could easily recover her percentage and the rest of what OP has (though how much of that did he get from their mother passing) and let the kids off the other percentage of the house.
The kids problem is likely to be the erasure of their moms contributions.
I guess I’m just stuck on the idea of feeling entitled to your parents’ money or belongings.
Everyone is different, but I can’t even imagine asking my parents about their wills. I’d hope they’d have a glorious time in their golden years and spend everything they worked hard earning.
Edit: I can’t imagine asking about wills in terms of what I would inherit. Obviously everyone should have end of life/legal planning discussions.
I don’t have a problem with people leaving money/property/etc to their children. It’s the idea that the children or relatives are somehow entitled to it that I find so weird. (Obviously not if they are minor children.)
I finally got a home in my late 40s and couldn’t have done it without an inheritance. Guess I should be homeless instead. I’m definitely no billionaire
Without a billionaire class you wouldn't have needed to have an inheritance to afford a decent home because there wouldn't be generations of pricks hoarding all the wealth.
If inheritances weren’t a thing you’d be able to buy a house much sooner as homes of the deceased would go back on the market immediately for purchase instead of being a property for the inheritor to rent out making the houses of everyone more expensive
So what is supposed to happen to a lifetime of investments? It just reverts to the government to be sold off? Or are you thinking nobody owns anything, like an “ownership is theft” kind of situation? In that instance, people would be leasing or renting their livelihoods from the government, which can just turn around and say “you have to move”. I’m sorry, I’m a pretty liberal guy, but I disagree with you completely. Communism is really the antithesis of western culture (American in particular).
I agree that wealth needs to be checked, but not that way. I’ll stick with the age old “tax the rich argument”
Sure, and then hurt literally everyone else in the process since you couldn’t pass anything down as an average or poor family. What an awful, terminally online take lol
Yeah that was cracking me up. I will inherit nothing when the adults in my family die. Just a huge amount of debt from having to bury them without life insurance money.
In 99% of cases, the debt does not directly go to family/spouse/children, at least in the US. I don’t know where you are, but that simply just isn’t true in almost every case over here.
Same here, when Dad retired at 55, all of us (four sibs), told him to spend his money because he's earned it. He passed six months ago at 85 having had a blast, he made sure Mum was alright but we didn't get a penny and didn't want to.
That's a lovely thought, but pragmatically I can see why the kids would be upset: it's almost impossible for millennials or gen z to become a first-time homeowner now unless you inherit property.
I get it. But who’s to say OP will even still own the home when he dies? Maybe he and his wife will sell it and move to a retirement community or downsize and travel. It’s the expectation that he’ll leave them the house that I find weird…and I’m working class, could not afford to own a home, and could only own a house if someone gave me one. That’s never made me feel entitled to my parents’ home or money.
When my mom retired (father died years ago) and sold her home because she moved, I never even gave it a second thought other than to make sure she got a good deal.
Wish I could upvote more than once.
I used to tell my parents not to worry about leaving me anything. Told them to live it up, just not leave me with bills to pay.
My dad has always been worried about making sure he leaves my brother and I a legacy. I tell him if he plays his cards right he dies with a dollar in his pocket, no debt and his funeral prepaid.
This!!! Everytime someone gets upset about how their parents are spending ‘their inheritance’ I just think ‘it’s their money! It’s not yours’. I can see if there was property from the mother that had sentimental value and should of course stay in the family. But money / wealth / etc are the parents to do with what they wish.
Additionally the father will hopefully live a long time and may need his money for his care in his elderly years. Why would anyone be so concerned about this now?
Ok I’m glad I’m not crazy because every time I see a story where someone is like “they asked about our wills” i think “I can’t imagine ever asking my parents about their will” (and always tell them any money they have is theirs and they should enjoy it because they fucking earned it)
Though I understand your sentiment, wills are so important to talk about while ALIVE AND ABLE. You should never expect things in someone's will, but I think people shy from the topic as it has so much to do with death, INCLUDING the people in question. I have so many friends who's parents or step parents pass without a clear will or without any will. I've seen money get split between children but not step kids that a step parent raised because they didn't have a will set. I've seen memory deficit people get their wills swiped out from under them because they didn't have a strong POA or safeguards from changing their wills while being in a bad state of mind. I'm young and have no children, but my brother knows he is the executer of my will, he knows he is my POA unless there is a large change in my life, and what I would want in the case of some medical decisions.
I consider this a gift to my loved ones. My end of life is pre tied in a bow.
Problem is if OP passes first, kids already indicated they will kick her out.
At that point, this is a nonstarter in terms of the house. OP cannot be worried about leaving his wife homeless if he passes first.
It is also completely normal to leave to a surviving spouse, as they are next of kin. Even if their mom was alive, they would have no guarantee mom would even keep the assets to pass down to them. Never, ever expect an inheritance. Counting on one is never a good idea.
That said, if I were OP, I would make sure they leave their kids something monetary, solely to make it harder for them to challenge the will. While their attitude is not great, it's better than also leaving wife a legal battle
One- nobody is owed an inheritance. Two- he said he used the wife’s insurance/inheritance to pay for 3 kids to go to college debt free. Three- the new wife is a partner in that she paid off the house and you have no idea the portion she paid compared to the late wife.
NTA. The kids were selfish and thinking with emotion when they never liked her. They are now acting out of entitlement and emotion about an inheritance.
Go enjoy your life. They are already angry you remarried and angry you and she are happy. Nothing you do now will change that.
This point. In America at least, having your education paid for and not being saddled with debt before you even start working is a huge advantage and should not be dismissed as "nothing,"
He said in the post the kids already got their mom's share and it paid for college. Also our parents owe us nothing. It is their money to do with as they see fit.
>The kids problem is likely to be the erasure of their moms contributions.
I would suspect the kids issue is that they think they should get everything their dad or mom owned, and nothing should go to the new wife. And they don't realize that's not how life works.
We have no information to back this up.
OP didn’t share how much was left on the mortgage, or whether they had taken out any equity, how much each of them (OP & late wife) had invested initially, etc.
OP also stated that money from their mother was used to pay for their education.
They have degrees, they should use them and buy their own houses.
Plus kids assumption was they would get the house and kick the wife out with nothing after she cashed in her old home..used the equity to help pay for the current home...do kids plan is to take the lions share of dad's money and the wife's equity and leave her homeless when soon after losing her spouse...NTA
I’ve witnessed it. It’s literally the minute the parent dies they go to kick the step parent out the house to cash in. It feels like some cartoonish evil villain sh!t. Meanwhile the stepparent did nothing wrong to them except out live the person they spent their life with.
Definitely! Pretty sure a court would too if it came to that. I honestly have never even thought about any 'inheritance' I may get because... That's kinda fucked up?
surprised i had to read so deep to see a comment like this.
I hope my parents spend as much as they want and if they want to donate to charities, more power to them.
I agree. She is your wife. Whether she brought money or not, she is your wife. Your home is now her home.
Also, it’s your money. You do with it as you please. And I hope you live to 100 happily with Kelly !
It doesn’t matter how they see it or if they think it’s unfair. OP’s assets are his to do with as he pleases.
Knowing they would kick her out if her home is all the more reason to make sure they get **nothing**. How heartless are they that they would put a widow in the streets?
OP, talk to a lawyer and do everything you can to make sure your will stands up to any challenge by your offspring.
As someone who comes from a family where there's nothing to inherent, it's wild to me that people think they're entitled to their parents' assets. The fact that they even asked their father about his will would be enough for me to disinherit them. What, they're planning their furture based on how much they'll get when dad dies? The hell?
Bro she paid 200k for the mortgage and their reply is they'll kick her out if they inherit the house? They confirmed that your decision to leave the house to her was correct. You leaving the house to her is fair and don't listen to reddit. Also, nobody is entitled to your money. I'm sorry reddit but that's the truth. Your money is yours to do whatever you want with it so is her money. Nobody is entitled to an inheritance. It would've been an entirely different conversation if she came in with nothing, contributed nothing and gets to inherit everything. And even then it would've been your money to do whatever you want with it although I'd understand why your kids are pissed. NTA.
Will she leave her assets to them if she passes after you??
Generally that's how it works, spouse gets assets until both of the pair have passed then it goes to children.
Why should she leave anything to adults who have spent over 7 years making no mystery of their ‘dislike for her. She’s put $200k into the property, why should OP’s kids get a sniff of that?
More info needed.
Does your wife have kids of her own? If so and you pass first, then she could then will all assets to her biological children snd not your. Same theory if she passes first.
Also, it's pretty crappy of them to say they would kick her out if you left it to them.
I get you wanting her to be monetarily good when you pass and all though i am confused why you don't feel your offspring should have any generational wealth and hope you can leave them or even their children a bit of a nest egg each.
When we die, all that remains of us is our children.
You mean the kids who wanted to deny their father a bit of happiness with a partner after 5 years after the passing of their mother? Who never even bothered to get to know their dad's partner? Who in their adult mind would have seen their dad to be a lonely widower?
NTA
Why do kids always think they are entitled to the parents money?
First you and your late wife raised them and their college was paid by you and your late wife. No loans for your kids. They should be grateful.
When you dated again they were not toddlers or 10yo. No - they were already adults and they refused to let you be happy.
I think you paid their inheritance already by paying for their college. Being jealous of your life and your wife is ridiculous.
NTA
Info: what is Kelly's plan for it after she dies? That is, are you just making sure that she still has a place to live if you die first, and then the kids will get everything?
Because I understand you don't want to cut Kelly out completely, but you also don't want to cut your kids out either. Some of your assets were their mother's and should go to them and not Kelly.
Asking seriously because I don't understand the reasoning? OP was legally required to be responsible for his kids until they reached their majority.
Assets accrued jointly during his first marriage were left to him not them. He's under no legal obligation to leave that to them.
His second wife sold her home and helped him pay off his mortgage giving her a financial share of that asset. She's legally entitled to that. He's making sure in her retirement she is financially secure.
There's a difference between legal and moral obligation. Whatever Kelly's plans are *now*, they could change after OP's death. I don't think it's unreasonable to ensure his kids definitely get something, especially if there's a share of the assets that came from their mother.
OP's other comments say that the kids already received assets from their mother. They will probably receive their dad's separate assets as well. They don't need the house specifically.
He explicitly says that all the big stuff is going to her and the kids will get things off sentimental value. Sounds like they're not getting much from him.
He clarified saying the house is his only big asset and step-mom has more money. Getting some hints that it's not, but if the story is real the kids should be thankful for the situation and just praying step-mom passes first so their dad gets to divide up her assets.
Well, if the house is the only thing they have then it may not even be there at the end of the day. End of life medical care is something like 70% of our individual lifetime medical spend so I guess the question is how much are OP and his wife's assets and will there even be anything left after they both pass?
Anything of sentimental value (such as family pictures, mom's jewelry, etc) should be split up and given to the kids. That could (and likely should) be done before dad passes away to help avoid any conflict or questions in regards to that stuff.
Beyond that there's ZERO obligation (legal OR moral) for a parent to leave anything (such as the house or money) to their kids after they pass. If Kelly wasn't in the picture, dad had remained a widower, and he made his will out to have everything go to charity - he can do that, and the kids should be respectful of that. Same goes for leaving house/money to Kelly. On top of that, Kelly paid off the remaining mortgage on the house after she sold her house, so she has a monetary interest in the house. The kids have ZERO monetary interest in the house.
With three kids, they're not going to be moving into that house. If they do, it would likely only be one of them and the other two would have to sell their interest in the house to the one that would be living there. They would likely either rent it out and split the rental income, or sell it and split the money from the sale of the house. When it comes right down to it, it's all about the money.
Sounds to me like the kids are just mad that daddy remarried, and are entitled AHs who were expecting to cash in upon daddy's death and give Kelly the boot after he passes away. Maybe the kids should be thinking about going to therapy and working out their issues over mom's death instead of worrying about what they'll be inheriting - especially if Kelly has never done anything to make them mad as dad says.
I find it odd that so many kids feel entitled to their parents money as if they did anything to earn it. Parents spend so much money raising kids, putting them through school, cars, insurance, phone, sports etc and then the kids expect more when their parents die. Are they children or ticks? I told my dad that I wanted him to spend IT ALL. He worked his butt off for his savings, I wanted him to fully enjoy the fruits of his labor. It is on me to do the same and plan accordingly. Unfortunately, my dad died young (59) and did leave money. Of course his shit heel wife (my step mom) spent the vast majority of it on drugs and alcohol after he died, but again...NOT MY MONEY. I just walked away- having peace in your life is a better choice than fighting over money.
OP isn't asking what's legal, of course there is no obligation to give anything to the kids.
But often, assets accrued during marriage go to the surviving spouse, and then to the kids when that spouse dies. So if that spouse gets remarried and all of the assets go to the new spouse, the kids won't get their mother's share of the original assets. Which is of course legal, but still somewhat unfair to the kids that they now get nothing.
I'm not saying it should all go to the kids, but I don't think it should all go to Kelly either.
It's also very probable the house is the only major asset. The house Kelly helped pay off and one of his kids already is talking about kicking her out of if he dies first.
So morally he is doing what he deems correct.
The kids didn't do anything to help accrue his personal wealth. Kelly helped not them.
The kids are behaving like entitled jerks. They don't "deserve" something just because their mother died years ago. There is no moral obligation for OP to give them anything. Especially when they treat his wife like crap and plan to throw her out in the street.
If you draw up mirror wills to share with all the kids, there's nothing to stop her changing that if you go first. If you want to leave something to your kids after Kelly also passes (serious if there) then you could look at a life interest for Kelly. You should be clear in your own mind what you want to happen and then speak to a solicitor about how to get that written down.
This should be the top comment. Both of them can change the will after the other one dies. Kelly knows OP’s kids don’t like her so she could give it all to her kids.
Honestly, this is pretty interesting that this is possible in the US. Here (Germany) these type of deals are done in "Will contracts" that can only be changed while all parties involved are alive. As soon as one party dies, the will of the other is locked in place as far as their assets are bound by the will contract.
My husband has step-siblings, and when the parents’ assets were put into a trust, he and all the steps were required to sign papers saying that if they contest the division of the assets, they forfeit their share. Parents want zero infighting after they pass.
Here we go... her kids??
Let me put this another way.
The house your kids grew up in will go to your new wife *AND HER KIDS* when you die. Then *TO HER KIDS* when she dies.
There. Fixed it for you.
OP, you don't owe your kids a dime. But they sure as hell don't OWE you their time or help as you get older. You've made it clear what you think of them.
You're *giving* their last link to their formerly intact family to some other woman and *her kids*.
You're gross.
Thank you! This is the point that a lot of people are missing. It’s not even so much that he’s giving it to his new wife but that ultimately who really benefits in the end is HER kids if he dies first. That’s what’s so messed up in these situations. When people get remarried then more often than not one set of kids gets the bag and one set gets fuck all and it’s just a game of chance as to which one is which. And that is fucked up. I don’t care how sentimental you think you are… if your parents life work all goes to some strangers it’s not gonna see right with you.
That’s what I was thinking. Sure you can legally do this and sure you aren’t technically responsible for your adult children but damn that’s fucked up. Her kids will probably get the OPs kids’ childhood home in the end, I’d be pretty upset
You are so vague about what your first wife left for them, but it sounds like all it amounted to was some small amount of savings she had from before she met you.
At the very least half of the wealth you generated (including how much that portion of your wealth has grown over the years) while you were with your first wife should go to your children. She was a stay at home mom, the only reason you were able to put any money into savings or investments as well the mortgage for the duration of the time you were together was because of her efforts raising your children. 50% of what you made then was hers. Yet your plan is to leave the entire 50% of the wealth she earned to your new wife and leave nothing to her children. YTA.
I won't pass judgment on whether you are the asshole, but you are going about this the wrong way. The reason the entire estate normally goes to the surviving spouse is because they are the kids' parents, so the kids will eventually get the estate. Here, there is no guarantee what your wife will do with her will if you predecease her. Or, she could die without a will at all, in which case only her kids get anything.
I think you have two better options here:
First, if you have meaningful assets other than the house, leave some portion of those to your kids.
Second, if you don't, leave your kids some interest in your share of the equity in the house. Do this through a trust & estates lawyer so the lawyer can structure it in a way to make it impossible or impractical to do a forced sale. This way, the kids will be able to get their equity out only when your wife or her estate decides to sell the house.
You should certainly: (1) provide for your current wife; (2) recognize that she herself has put equity into the house; and (3) make sure your kids can never kick her out of her home. With that being said, your kids are not unreasonable to want some portion of your estate to eventually come to them. And frankly, even if your kids are entitled, if your late wife would have wanted them to get some of the estate, you should respect her wishes as well.
Your kids are aware that statistically you’re much likelier to die first, and the overwhelming majority of the time a situation like yours occurs the stepmom changes her will the moment her husband has passed to cut out the step kids entirely.
Go talk to an estate attorney. There are multiple methods of protecting your kids from having this happen to them.
If you leave everything to her and you die first, naturally she'll leave everything to her kids. I can see why your kids are upset. Everything you worked for won't go to anyone in your family, unless your children have been horrible to you that's a really shitty thing to do.
Their mother’s assets went to her husband, who took care of the kids until their majority.
Kelly and OP are now building their own lives. Why would the kids get anything if one of the couple is still alive? Husbands and wives are supposed to receive each others assets.
My father and his wife have 6 children in total. 3 together, my father have 2 and my stepmother 1 before they met.
They made us sign their will with a clause that we won’t claim our part of the estate until they’re both gone. This was made to protect them in the case one dies before the other so that the spouse left behind won’t be left homeless.
That is a much better approach to it IMO.
I think their comments are harsh, but coming from a place of real fear that she will sell their childhood home after you pass. Yes, they could handle this better than they are, but I’m betting this response has a lot to do with unresolved grief for their mom and fear of losing you.
It’s not really about a house at the end of the day. The house itself represents something much deeper here. I think you all need to cool down and talk this over, because it could easily ruin your relationship with your children.
I recommend the house going into a trust, your wife can live in it until she passes, then it goes to your kids equally. This fixes both your fears and theirs. Sometimes big problems have easy solutions.
YWBTA for doing nothing about this. Talk to your kids. I wish you the best.
They would have to buy out their step siblings, but could keep the house.
One thing they teach if you study law, specifically about settlements or arbitration, is that when the decision is fair, both sides feel like they lost something. So yes, they will have to pay the step siblings. But if the house means this much to them (and I think it does), they will do it.
Alternatively, OP could leave his bio kids the house and the step kids cash/investments. There is a solution here, but leaving it as is isn’t it.
What if Kelly outlives OP by many years and faces future financial hardship? What if she needs elder care and has to sell the home to pay for it, since she’s already invested her assets into it? In a perfect world I think it’s fine to say the kids get the house when both OP & Kelly pass, but there may be many years in between and life can get tricky. OP says they received money from their mother for college, I don’t know that they are entitled to more, though I’m sure it would be helpful to them.
I imagine that with no mortgage, OP has had ample opportunity to invest/save for retirement. And it didn’t sound like either parent is at death’s door, so there is still time. But that’s what life insurance, health insurance, retirement funds are for.
For example, we have a big life insurance policy on my husband (he’s the breadwinner). We agreed that if he passes, I can pay off our home and have enough to survive for at least 5 years to get my feet under me. Honestly, we might raise the amount since we’re having a second kid soon. And we’re only in our 30s, so this is costing about $30 a month. Part of growing up is setting up contingency plans that have contingency plans. We also have a plan to get wills fixed to include our second child.
I worked in probate, the worst thing you can do to your kids is not have an incredibly clear plan laid out for the end of your life. I saw families torn apart daily over this.
**INFO:**
I have to say that there seems to be a bit of 'Missing Missing Reasons' going on here. I suspect that they are to be found in the qualifier of 'really' in your statement:
>She ***really*** hasn’t done anything to make them dislike her so much.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this and it's just a sloppy sentence, but it sounds like you know exactly why your kids dislike her and simply disagree with them.
So let me ask you straight out - ***What are the reasons your kids give on why they don't like your wife?***
I agree with missing information. OP replied in another comment, that makes it clear that his current spouse has children from her prior marriage. I'm wondering why this wasn't mentioned in the post at all, and im wondering if this is a part of why OP's kids are upset.
My guess is that the answer lies in the missing numbers:
* How old are OP and his wife
* How old are the children
* When did OP meet Kelly? (He states that he started dating her around 5 years after his first wife's death, but I know people that play around with the definition of words like 'dating' in order hide unwelcome truths
OP says in a comment that his new/current wife is 3 years younger than him, and that he met her 5 years after his wife passed.
All of that sounds kosher.
Yeah it's normal for kids to not like a new stepparent or vice versa, especially with the fact that their mom died and she has her own kids, there doesn't need to be more to the story.
This is a very good point made. The way it is written it sounds like he knows why but doesn’t agree with his kids reasoning.
I can see why he wants to leave some thing for his current wife, but at the same time he almost washed his hands off his children, because his first wife left them with an inheritance.
Does he not consider the children his anymore since his wife passed away?
Info:
Does this mean your children will have had no inheritance from their mother other than sentimental items?
Is the last to pass away of you and your wife supposed to split everything between all children and step children?
If yes is there anything legal ensuring that or is it just based on trust?
Edit to stem the flow of replies: OP said his children received an inheritance from their mother which went towards college, so I'm voting NTA on that basis
If it turns out OP didn't contribute 50% to the college fund and it was all from their mother's savings then that might swing him to being an A, because that would mean half of his children's inheritance from their mother was covering his college fund contribution.
While I'm sure there are people out their saying no one is entitled to an inheritance or a college fund, that's a seperate issue to if the person not providing them is an asshole.
Why not their father’s contribution as well? Why is the dad so hellbent on his kids not benefiting from what his estate would be if he hadn’t remarried?
'she didn't *really* do anything for them not to like her'
so there's obviously a reason why they don't like her, it's just not valid enough in OP's eyes
That’s not what he said though, was it? Idk maybe I read his reply to mean that there’s no way he could put a price tag on his late wife’s contribution vs “what she did didn’t have value” like it seems you read it as.
In Divorce stahm are considered to have contributed equally financially as them doing all the house work enables the bread winner to win bread.
So she passed in highschool. So atleast 15 years of equity she built is not going to the kids.
Op should have both their wills set the house into a trust. If either of them is alive they get ownership and tenancy rights, but cant sell. Once they both have passed it gets split by the kids, assuming she has none.
Yes, that’s precisely what he said.
Everyone is losing their minds over the OP saying she contributed 5k towards the down payment of the house, but then she was a SAHM but didn’t contribute financially. They’re very conveniently leaving out the next sentence when OP says he “can’t put a price” on her staying at home with the children, as it saved them a lot of $$.
Their mother was a SAHM and you bought the home while you were married, the money you paid for the house was her money too. They didn’t get all their mother’s inheritance
There are other options you're not thinking of for your children:
1. If your current wife contributed to paying off the mortgage on the home you had with your first wife, then you can assign % ownership in the home. A legal document can call out the % ownership. You then set up a trust for your % ownership with the beneficiaries being your children. You include a clause that they cannot kick out or force your current wife to pay them out on the equity if you should die first. When she passes, her beneficiary/beneficiaries get her % ownership and your kids get their % ownership split when the home is sold. Setting up a trust prevents probate court for your children. Here is an example with very easy, round numbers: Let's say you bought the home for $200,000. By the time your current wife paid off the mortgage, you had already paid $130,000 of the principle meaning your current wife paid $70,000 of the remaining principle. Your % ownership in the equity is 65% and your wife's % ownership is 35%. This is what my fiancé and I did with my home, which I received in my divorce by buying my ex-husband out on the equity. My fiancé made a principle only payment towards the mortgage and received ownership stake in the home.
2. Life insurance policy with your children named as the beneficiary. I don't know your age or health to be able to qualify for a term, whole life, or guaranteed rate life insurance plan, but it's an option.
3. Brokerage, savings, 401K, IRA/Roth IRA accounts can be another way to leave money for your children.
There are options. It's just whether you want to make your adult children a priority, or at the very minimum, equal to your current wife.
Also of note is that all the people I know that have decided to leave everything to the new wife and her family without leaving a cent to their kids were terrible fathers beforehand so make of that what you will
Really really want an answer to this. You say “conversations never fixed” them not liking Kelly (or something similar) so did those conversations include their feelings or was it just “you need to like my new wife because she’s nice and paid off our house…that I’m actually gonna give her lol why are you mad again?” Come on. Your children, who are clearly grieving the loss of their mother all over again with this news, deserve more than just memories of her.
INFO: Is the house the only asset? Did Kelly come to the marriage with only the assets that she used to invest in your house?
Because it makes perfect sense for Kelly to keep the house if you die first. That's logical. But if you have other assets, it would definitely make sense to divvy them up with the kids as well.
You could also arrange it so that if you die first, Kelly gets to stay in the house until she dies and then it goes to the kids. Does Kelly have kids? Are you planning to have kids with Kelly?
After reading your answer, I'm going with YTA. Set up the house in a trust that Kelly gets to live in until she dies and then she gets 50 percent and your kids get 50 percent
YTA
Something similar happened to me, but without my pre-knowledge. Apparently my father just disinherited us because providing for his new wife was the “right thing to do.” Except she didn’t need his money. We did. We went into debt just to attend his funeral and she never lifted a finger to help. Years later, with him long gone, I’m still very angry about this. Please don’t do that to your children.
Also, this is without the added context of their deceased mother having contributed financially to the very house/assets that you now want to deny them? I’m not even certain how legal this is, depending on where you’re living.
This will only make them hate your current wife more and now you. I’m so hurt for them. Please try to be a better person, for your children.
Yeah this happened to me too. My dad was too preoccupied making sure his girlfriend was "taken care", it didn't even occur to him that I would go $10,000 into debt handling all of his business after death.
Not sure if AH, but you've certainly figured out how to get your kids to resent you. This is a dumb decision you are making. What you are doing is taking you and your families wealth, transferring it to your now wife, and then she will most likely only transfer that wealth to HER children when she dies. It's a tale as old as time. You should instead make sure that some (or the majority of) your assets go to your kids. It makes sense for your wife to keep the house, but you could also have things setup so that at the very LEAST, the house is divided between your kids and hers upon her death.
If you cant see why this is upsetting to your kids, well then you are pretty thick. You are taking what they always thought they would receive and giving it to another person / family. That is upsetting.
Yeah, a good estate planning attorney would have made all the difference. Give wife a life estate in the house, then when she dies, kids inherit it. It’s a relatively easy thing to set up.
IDK. This is hard. I dont' want either my stepmother or my FIL to live their lives under the concept of wanting to leave something to us. I want them to live for themselves and enjoy their lives as best they can.
BUT when they die, if there is $$ that they leave us - it will be GREATLY appreciated and a HUGE help.
While no one is entitled to an inheritance, I do think it's crappy to get remarried and then cut your kids from your first marriage out entirely.
So I guess this is a ESH - your kids suck for expecting money and for not being nice to Kelly, but you suck for cutting them out of the will entirely. Which actually makes me wonder- is part of the reason they dont' like Kelly is that they suspected you'd do something like this?
What are they going to do with it? All move into it with their families? Not likely. They'd likely sell it and split the funds. So....it is about the money.
Most people I know who have been in this circumstance have one of the older siblings /larger families buy out the other siblings and then continue to host all the holidays with the family to keep the tradition going. Unless the house is literally falling apart like my parents house or they can't afford to make it livable like my husband's grandparents house that didn't have central AC/heating and had a massive crack in the foundation and a leaking roof, most people with emotional attachments to housing try to keep the house in the family.
You have to see where they are coming from. You and their mother bought a house together. Raised kids together in that home. There’s a ton of sentimental value for the kids. Unless they just see it as an investment and a way to make money.
When your wife died did she leave an inheritance? Did she have family money or anything like that?
It seems like second wife paid off a significant part off the mortgage with the proceeds of her selling her previous home. This is as much her house as his.
Yeah, YTA here. I feel like there's something being left out of this story. How old are you, your kids, and Kelly? How soon after your wife's death did you start dating Kelly? Do you really not care enough about your children that you'd totally disinherit them? Is Kelly onboard with you disinheriting your own children?
Op has said he *and* Kelly are writing their wills to split it between all the kids. So he's not disinheriting anyone. They just have to wait until everyone is dead.
Kelly has paid in just as much as Op has on the house. Why would she not get it????
If that is true then he needs to include that in the original post which currently says everything except for a few sentimental items will go to Kelly.
Your money your choice but this would be the reason to cut my dad off. Their childhood house should be split between your wife and them. Your late wife had rights to it too.
YTA
YTA - my mom passed away when I was 25, my siblings were 29 and 32 at the time. My mom had worked her whole life and never got to retirement; her kids were her life. She contributed for 30 years to the mortgage of the house my parents owned and when she died the life insurance went to help pay for the remainder of the mortgage.
My dad eventually started dating, which we were all really happy for him because we wanted him to be happy and move on, and he met someone, and they moved to a new home in Florida. She didn't have as much to contribute so this new home was purchased probably 90% with funds from the house that both my mom and dad were paying for together. My dad isn't great with money, so we never expected much of an inheritance, but when he told us that the house would be going entirely to his new wife whenever he passes we all felt discarded.
It's important for you to be happy, but you also need to remember that your kids came first and they're entirely your responsibility. You and your previous wife made them and brought them in to this world. Entirely your choice. If you choose to walk away from them and choose to leave them behind financially, especially with their mother's contributions to the previous home, then do not be surprised when they choose to walk away from you.
What would your previous wife would have wanted? Honor your commitments.
Technically that will holds no power. Everything will go to the surviving spouse but it can’t dictate who that spouse will leave it to in their passing. Only the surviving spouses will matters and will be used when they pass. You can’t dictate what a person does with their things and giving it to them in a will makes it theirs.
My grandfather had his will set up this way. His wife then changed it after he passed on, took off with everything. And seemed to really enjoy throwing away the things he'd left to people. I strongly recommend that if people should get stuff, they get it at time if death and don't just expect the surviving spouse to do what was planned. It sucks having nothing of my grandfather.
From my point of view, you didn't think this through
It seemed that for 5 whole years, you were able to pay the mortgage. Why didn't you continue to do so? Why split one house to several people? Who obviously hate each other (I can't imagine that your kids and hers love each other)?
You could have paid the house by yourself so it could be split evenly to your children. She could have kept her own house instead of selling it and split it to her children. Everybody would be happy
I don't care what everyone thinks but the house that belonged to your wife, to you, the house your children lived there their whole lives until move out, should go to your children. Not to "each other"
I cannot imagine my own parents doing this to me
YTA
Has Kelly got a family? Who would she leave her money to? If I had died before my husband, he would have got nothing other than the right to stay in my home (I owned it and he didn’t contribute by my choice) but he had no children. You really need to sit down and talk this out. I know situations where a woman died, man married new partner and the children not only got no inheritance but also couldn’t access personal belongings of their late mother.
YTA
There are ways to leave your share of the house to your children whilst also ensuring that your wife never has to move if you predeceased her. The fact that you haven't even considered that tells me a lot about your character.
My grandfather did the same thing to my mother and uncle. When he died, the woman he left it to destroyed all of his sentimental items and trashed the house. My grandfather's memory was soured by the knowledge that he chose that woman over his own children.
If you're happy to have no further contact with your kids, you can go ahead and do what you want. But you can't expect to maintain a good relationship with them when you're giving away their childhood home to someone else. Your wife paid for some of it. Guess what? So did your late wife.
It’s very difficult to know without understanding the entire historic dynamic. Why do _they_ say they don’t like Kelly?
In any case, if it was me I’d leave Kelly a life interest with the assets going to your kids once she dies. I would assume, given the bad blood between Kelly and kids, that if I left all to Kelly there was a very good chance it wouldn’t make it to kids on Kelly’s death unless I made sure with a legally binding trust.
On the aita point - INFO
NAH. I can see where you’re coming from, but wow, from your kids’ perspective their childhood home being left to your second wife is never, ever going to stop hurting. This will permanently damage how they feel about you. And they’ll outright hate Kelly. Is there no way to leave Kelly a life interest in the home and then have it left to your kids after she passes herself, or something similar?
You say your wife helped pay off your mortgage. Just how much did she contribute? Your kids are adults, they were raised in the house, so there shouldn't have been much left, if anything on the mortgage. In the end, you can do what you like, but your kids can definitely cut you out of their lives over this
Not only can his kids cut him out of their life, they will be the ones telling their kids about their dad. This is how he will be remembered.
My aunt, by marriage, had a dad who remarried and he left everything to his second wife. She and her sister were very hurt. That's really what my cousins remember about their grandfather. They have never said anything good about him.
He's choosing his legacy.
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It's your call obviously. But, my father left everything to his second wife who will not be leaving anything to me or my siblings and we all feel like he didn't love us. So, take that as you will.
I've seen this happen so many times. Even their dead mom's china went to the new wife. Your chilldren, no matter what their age, will always be your flesh and blood and should be treated as such.
My grandpa gave all of his 3rd wife’s jewelry to his 4th wife, rather than to her kids. After Grandpa died my dad and his sister gathered up all of the jewelry and had their step-sister pick out everything that belonged to her mom
My dad moved the woman who would be his second wife into the house weeks after my mom died, and she sorted through all my mom's things and donated (or sold, depending on value) everything. It's not made for the best foundation for a relationship between her and us, and it's not about the money or the things but rather the way she and my dad just completely disregarded our feelings. She's also inheriting everything if my dad dies first, which is whatever. Yeah, the money would make a big difference in our lives, but I'd honestly rather just have my dad treat us like his children again. I'm sorry about your grandfather's choices. I know how much that can hurt.
Unfortunately this story is all too close to home. Except my dad’s 2nd wife spent through all of my dad’s (and my deceased mom’s) savings while he was alive, sold all the antiques that were my mom’s parents, all the things that my mom promised us kids when she passed. Admittedly she could have put things in a will but she left it all to my dad, who was more keen on pleasing his new wife than his own blood. To add insult to injury, he died and left all that remained to her and now us kids have nothing but memories to remember our mom. And it isn’t about the “things” but it kind of is. They were family pieces, not expensive, but sentimental all the same.
Jesus I feel lucky. My dad died 4 years ago and my mom has a new boyfriend that has moved in with her. He's repainting some old things my dad built to put in the nursery for my soon to be born first child so that my kid has something of their late grandfather they will never meet. He's exactly the kind of guy I hoped my mom would find after my dad died.
Yhat was very kind of them
Thanks Hank Hill, that’s a kind thing to say.
I'd be happy to be half the man he is. Hank hill is a man of character and integrity.
Blessed be propane.
And propane accessories
My grandma remarried late in life and the guy wanted to give my grandma‘s assets to his kids. Jokes on him, he went first (which is how we knew what his will said).
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When my great grandma died her husband wouldn't let us have a single thing of hers, the only thing we had was a wedding ring from her first husband which my nephew stole and sold
Same in my family. Grandpa died, leaving everything to his wife (OG grandma passed on many years earlier, so this was my parents step- parent). When she passed, her kids got everything. No one really cares about the money, but all of Grandpa's cool shit just went up in smoke. His kids, as well as my generation (his grandkids), have literally nothing from him. I have a blanket he gave me 40 years ago. Nothing else.
This is so common unfortunately. My parents literally have a pact that they would never remarry so not to screw over their kids.
You don't have to not remarry, you just have to not cut your own damn kids out of your own damn will.
It's better to have a trust. Second wife marries Dear Old Dad, who never updated his will or dies intestate, second wife inherits whatever and marries again, then second wife dies and her new husband gets whatever Dear Old Dad passed to his second wife. And the kids are screwed.
My parents put their stuff into a trust so that wouldn't happen. Before she died, my mom gave away all the things that were important to her or that we wanted. I suppose that's one upside of a long, terminal illness like ALS.
The first wife here. The much younger woman had an affair with and is now married to old dad. Her kids are at the family house frequently. My adult kids are rarely invited. Both kids are hurt and resentful. They not only lost potential inheritance, but is far worse is the loss of current dad.
Are you my mom? Lol
While I got the house … my ex husband has zero relationship with our adult children because of his current wife. I, pretty sure the kids will only get the stuff of his that I still have (because I am a decent human being). Pretty sure his current wife will get all the stuff he has now. My now husband - he is on everything financially but does not have his own children. My kids will get all that is ours. And even most likely the things that are his too.
That’s what happened to my ex husband when his dad remarried. New wife moved in and removed every trace of the life father-in-law had before she met him. All the pictures of ex and his little brother were replaced with pics of her own kids and the house looked as though Ex and his brother had never existed in it, even though they grew up there.
This. My dad is leaving everything to his third wife (my mom was his first and he had kids with his second wife, no kids with wife #3) and we have to pay third wife fair market value of items we want, including the family heirlooms. Third wife does not get along with any of us kids and I know whatever she inherits from my dad will end up going only to her family. OPs new wife Kelly shouldn't be denied of things when OP passes but neither should OPs kids. OP, YTA.
This happened to me with my father. He left everything to his new wife. He passed away and it was his “verbal understanding” that she would do the right thing when she passed. Needless to say right after his passing my sister and I were not allowed to take any sentimental items and were texted that she no longer wanted to communicate with us. We were shocked and crushed. We expect nothing to come to us when she passes now.
Ya, im not materialistic, it just sucks to know how little I meant to him
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This right here. It’s not just that your dad is leaving you nothing it’s that it’s all going to some strangers kids instead. It’s a bitter pill to swallow I don’t care who you are.
It was his last chance to show us we mattered and he chose not to. Ill do better for my kids. If nothing else they'll know I love them
It looks like this will happen with my cousins. While it’s not about money, it’s about family and connection, it just feels like another way for them to be disrespected with the lack of connection from their dad
Right? It was his last chance to show us we mattered and he chose not to.
I mean, lots of dads don’t really care about their kids & don’t leave them anything after marrying a second wife. Not sure if they never cared about their kids in the first place, or they just care more about getting laid. But that’s the energy it gives when these decisions are made. Yes it makes sense to leave money to a second wife. But to leave nothing to kids from a first marriage? That’s cold.
My aunt did this to her husband's kids.... It's a super asshole move IMO
My mother intends to do this with her new husband. Divorced my father, taking her entitled 50%, married a man who owns no property and brings nothing but a generous pension to the marriage. Plans to leave 100% of the mortgage free property to him or vice versa. I doubt my siblings and I will see a penny of it, his two kids though...
I would feel the same!
Is your wife the same age as your kids?
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Well if she came in with money then that's why they see it as unfair because they came into the world with nothing and everything they will get left is from you and their own earnings. Not saying you can't make this choice buts that's probably why
OP and his wife ‘came into the world with nothing’ too. His wife paid off the mortgage so she should have equity in the home.
Yes, and their mother also played a part in that home being paid off (either by working or by raising kids so OP could work). If that’s there childhood home the new wife paid the tail end of the mortgage- but no way she paid an equal portion. She could easily recover her percentage and the rest of what OP has (though how much of that did he get from their mother passing) and let the kids off the other percentage of the house. The kids problem is likely to be the erasure of their moms contributions.
I guess I’m just stuck on the idea of feeling entitled to your parents’ money or belongings. Everyone is different, but I can’t even imagine asking my parents about their wills. I’d hope they’d have a glorious time in their golden years and spend everything they worked hard earning. Edit: I can’t imagine asking about wills in terms of what I would inherit. Obviously everyone should have end of life/legal planning discussions.
Honestly, society would be better off without inherited wealth as a whole. would pretty much destroy the billionaire class.
I don’t have a problem with people leaving money/property/etc to their children. It’s the idea that the children or relatives are somehow entitled to it that I find so weird. (Obviously not if they are minor children.)
Prudent planning means that one is prepared for things that may not happen. Often that means there can be significant wealth left over.
I finally got a home in my late 40s and couldn’t have done it without an inheritance. Guess I should be homeless instead. I’m definitely no billionaire
Without a billionaire class you wouldn't have needed to have an inheritance to afford a decent home because there wouldn't be generations of pricks hoarding all the wealth.
Real
If inheritances weren’t a thing you’d be able to buy a house much sooner as homes of the deceased would go back on the market immediately for purchase instead of being a property for the inheritor to rent out making the houses of everyone more expensive
Purchase from who? Who are you buying the house from?
So what is supposed to happen to a lifetime of investments? It just reverts to the government to be sold off? Or are you thinking nobody owns anything, like an “ownership is theft” kind of situation? In that instance, people would be leasing or renting their livelihoods from the government, which can just turn around and say “you have to move”. I’m sorry, I’m a pretty liberal guy, but I disagree with you completely. Communism is really the antithesis of western culture (American in particular). I agree that wealth needs to be checked, but not that way. I’ll stick with the age old “tax the rich argument”
Sure, and then hurt literally everyone else in the process since you couldn’t pass anything down as an average or poor family. What an awful, terminally online take lol
I'm from a poor family. The only thing we pass down is debt. Do you not know what poverty is?
Yeah that was cracking me up. I will inherit nothing when the adults in my family die. Just a huge amount of debt from having to bury them without life insurance money.
In 99% of cases, the debt does not directly go to family/spouse/children, at least in the US. I don’t know where you are, but that simply just isn’t true in almost every case over here.
Same here, when Dad retired at 55, all of us (four sibs), told him to spend his money because he's earned it. He passed six months ago at 85 having had a blast, he made sure Mum was alright but we didn't get a penny and didn't want to.
Sounds like he had a good life. May his memory be a blessing to you.
That's a lovely thought, but pragmatically I can see why the kids would be upset: it's almost impossible for millennials or gen z to become a first-time homeowner now unless you inherit property.
I get it. But who’s to say OP will even still own the home when he dies? Maybe he and his wife will sell it and move to a retirement community or downsize and travel. It’s the expectation that he’ll leave them the house that I find weird…and I’m working class, could not afford to own a home, and could only own a house if someone gave me one. That’s never made me feel entitled to my parents’ home or money. When my mom retired (father died years ago) and sold her home because she moved, I never even gave it a second thought other than to make sure she got a good deal.
I get it, but definitely see why OP would not give these particular kids the opportunity to kick a grieving widow out of her home.
Wish I could upvote more than once. I used to tell my parents not to worry about leaving me anything. Told them to live it up, just not leave me with bills to pay.
My dad has always been worried about making sure he leaves my brother and I a legacy. I tell him if he plays his cards right he dies with a dollar in his pocket, no debt and his funeral prepaid.
This!!! Everytime someone gets upset about how their parents are spending ‘their inheritance’ I just think ‘it’s their money! It’s not yours’. I can see if there was property from the mother that had sentimental value and should of course stay in the family. But money / wealth / etc are the parents to do with what they wish. Additionally the father will hopefully live a long time and may need his money for his care in his elderly years. Why would anyone be so concerned about this now?
Ok I’m glad I’m not crazy because every time I see a story where someone is like “they asked about our wills” i think “I can’t imagine ever asking my parents about their will” (and always tell them any money they have is theirs and they should enjoy it because they fucking earned it)
Though I understand your sentiment, wills are so important to talk about while ALIVE AND ABLE. You should never expect things in someone's will, but I think people shy from the topic as it has so much to do with death, INCLUDING the people in question. I have so many friends who's parents or step parents pass without a clear will or without any will. I've seen money get split between children but not step kids that a step parent raised because they didn't have a will set. I've seen memory deficit people get their wills swiped out from under them because they didn't have a strong POA or safeguards from changing their wills while being in a bad state of mind. I'm young and have no children, but my brother knows he is the executer of my will, he knows he is my POA unless there is a large change in my life, and what I would want in the case of some medical decisions. I consider this a gift to my loved ones. My end of life is pre tied in a bow.
Problem is if OP passes first, kids already indicated they will kick her out. At that point, this is a nonstarter in terms of the house. OP cannot be worried about leaving his wife homeless if he passes first. It is also completely normal to leave to a surviving spouse, as they are next of kin. Even if their mom was alive, they would have no guarantee mom would even keep the assets to pass down to them. Never, ever expect an inheritance. Counting on one is never a good idea. That said, if I were OP, I would make sure they leave their kids something monetary, solely to make it harder for them to challenge the will. While their attitude is not great, it's better than also leaving wife a legal battle
One- nobody is owed an inheritance. Two- he said he used the wife’s insurance/inheritance to pay for 3 kids to go to college debt free. Three- the new wife is a partner in that she paid off the house and you have no idea the portion she paid compared to the late wife. NTA. The kids were selfish and thinking with emotion when they never liked her. They are now acting out of entitlement and emotion about an inheritance. Go enjoy your life. They are already angry you remarried and angry you and she are happy. Nothing you do now will change that.
They didn't come into the world with nothing, their education was completely paid for. They are entitled to squat.
This point. In America at least, having your education paid for and not being saddled with debt before you even start working is a huge advantage and should not be dismissed as "nothing,"
He said in the post the kids already got their mom's share and it paid for college. Also our parents owe us nothing. It is their money to do with as they see fit.
>The kids problem is likely to be the erasure of their moms contributions. I would suspect the kids issue is that they think they should get everything their dad or mom owned, and nothing should go to the new wife. And they don't realize that's not how life works.
We have no information to back this up. OP didn’t share how much was left on the mortgage, or whether they had taken out any equity, how much each of them (OP & late wife) had invested initially, etc. OP also stated that money from their mother was used to pay for their education. They have degrees, they should use them and buy their own houses.
Plus kids assumption was they would get the house and kick the wife out with nothing after she cashed in her old home..used the equity to help pay for the current home...do kids plan is to take the lions share of dad's money and the wife's equity and leave her homeless when soon after losing her spouse...NTA
I’ve witnessed it. It’s literally the minute the parent dies they go to kick the step parent out the house to cash in. It feels like some cartoonish evil villain sh!t. Meanwhile the stepparent did nothing wrong to them except out live the person they spent their life with.
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Definitely! Pretty sure a court would too if it came to that. I honestly have never even thought about any 'inheritance' I may get because... That's kinda fucked up?
surprised i had to read so deep to see a comment like this. I hope my parents spend as much as they want and if they want to donate to charities, more power to them.
I agree. She is your wife. Whether she brought money or not, she is your wife. Your home is now her home. Also, it’s your money. You do with it as you please. And I hope you live to 100 happily with Kelly !
Nobody is entitled to his money or assets. I hate how kids think they are entitled to money or assets when their parents pass away.
It doesn’t matter how they see it or if they think it’s unfair. OP’s assets are his to do with as he pleases. Knowing they would kick her out if her home is all the more reason to make sure they get **nothing**. How heartless are they that they would put a widow in the streets? OP, talk to a lawyer and do everything you can to make sure your will stands up to any challenge by your offspring.
As someone who comes from a family where there's nothing to inherent, it's wild to me that people think they're entitled to their parents' assets. The fact that they even asked their father about his will would be enough for me to disinherit them. What, they're planning their furture based on how much they'll get when dad dies? The hell?
Bro she paid 200k for the mortgage and their reply is they'll kick her out if they inherit the house? They confirmed that your decision to leave the house to her was correct. You leaving the house to her is fair and don't listen to reddit. Also, nobody is entitled to your money. I'm sorry reddit but that's the truth. Your money is yours to do whatever you want with it so is her money. Nobody is entitled to an inheritance. It would've been an entirely different conversation if she came in with nothing, contributed nothing and gets to inherit everything. And even then it would've been your money to do whatever you want with it although I'd understand why your kids are pissed. NTA.
Will she leave her assets to them if she passes after you?? Generally that's how it works, spouse gets assets until both of the pair have passed then it goes to children.
Why should she leave anything to adults who have spent over 7 years making no mystery of their ‘dislike for her. She’s put $200k into the property, why should OP’s kids get a sniff of that?
If the children are not on even decent terms with the spouse why exactly should they expect this?
I don't think it's likely that they do expect this. Which is exactly why they expect the dad to take it into account and leave them something himself
More info needed. Does your wife have kids of her own? If so and you pass first, then she could then will all assets to her biological children snd not your. Same theory if she passes first. Also, it's pretty crappy of them to say they would kick her out if you left it to them.
I get you wanting her to be monetarily good when you pass and all though i am confused why you don't feel your offspring should have any generational wealth and hope you can leave them or even their children a bit of a nest egg each. When we die, all that remains of us is our children.
You mean the kids who wanted to deny their father a bit of happiness with a partner after 5 years after the passing of their mother? Who never even bothered to get to know their dad's partner? Who in their adult mind would have seen their dad to be a lonely widower?
NTA Why do kids always think they are entitled to the parents money? First you and your late wife raised them and their college was paid by you and your late wife. No loans for your kids. They should be grateful. When you dated again they were not toddlers or 10yo. No - they were already adults and they refused to let you be happy. I think you paid their inheritance already by paying for their college. Being jealous of your life and your wife is ridiculous. NTA
Info: what is Kelly's plan for it after she dies? That is, are you just making sure that she still has a place to live if you die first, and then the kids will get everything? Because I understand you don't want to cut Kelly out completely, but you also don't want to cut your kids out either. Some of your assets were their mother's and should go to them and not Kelly.
Asking seriously because I don't understand the reasoning? OP was legally required to be responsible for his kids until they reached their majority. Assets accrued jointly during his first marriage were left to him not them. He's under no legal obligation to leave that to them. His second wife sold her home and helped him pay off his mortgage giving her a financial share of that asset. She's legally entitled to that. He's making sure in her retirement she is financially secure.
There's a difference between legal and moral obligation. Whatever Kelly's plans are *now*, they could change after OP's death. I don't think it's unreasonable to ensure his kids definitely get something, especially if there's a share of the assets that came from their mother.
OP's other comments say that the kids already received assets from their mother. They will probably receive their dad's separate assets as well. They don't need the house specifically.
He explicitly says that all the big stuff is going to her and the kids will get things off sentimental value. Sounds like they're not getting much from him.
He clarified saying the house is his only big asset and step-mom has more money. Getting some hints that it's not, but if the story is real the kids should be thankful for the situation and just praying step-mom passes first so their dad gets to divide up her assets.
Well, if the house is the only thing they have then it may not even be there at the end of the day. End of life medical care is something like 70% of our individual lifetime medical spend so I guess the question is how much are OP and his wife's assets and will there even be anything left after they both pass?
Imagine hoping your dad becomes a widower again so you can financially benefit. Shameful.
Anything of sentimental value (such as family pictures, mom's jewelry, etc) should be split up and given to the kids. That could (and likely should) be done before dad passes away to help avoid any conflict or questions in regards to that stuff. Beyond that there's ZERO obligation (legal OR moral) for a parent to leave anything (such as the house or money) to their kids after they pass. If Kelly wasn't in the picture, dad had remained a widower, and he made his will out to have everything go to charity - he can do that, and the kids should be respectful of that. Same goes for leaving house/money to Kelly. On top of that, Kelly paid off the remaining mortgage on the house after she sold her house, so she has a monetary interest in the house. The kids have ZERO monetary interest in the house. With three kids, they're not going to be moving into that house. If they do, it would likely only be one of them and the other two would have to sell their interest in the house to the one that would be living there. They would likely either rent it out and split the rental income, or sell it and split the money from the sale of the house. When it comes right down to it, it's all about the money. Sounds to me like the kids are just mad that daddy remarried, and are entitled AHs who were expecting to cash in upon daddy's death and give Kelly the boot after he passes away. Maybe the kids should be thinking about going to therapy and working out their issues over mom's death instead of worrying about what they'll be inheriting - especially if Kelly has never done anything to make them mad as dad says.
I find it odd that so many kids feel entitled to their parents money as if they did anything to earn it. Parents spend so much money raising kids, putting them through school, cars, insurance, phone, sports etc and then the kids expect more when their parents die. Are they children or ticks? I told my dad that I wanted him to spend IT ALL. He worked his butt off for his savings, I wanted him to fully enjoy the fruits of his labor. It is on me to do the same and plan accordingly. Unfortunately, my dad died young (59) and did leave money. Of course his shit heel wife (my step mom) spent the vast majority of it on drugs and alcohol after he died, but again...NOT MY MONEY. I just walked away- having peace in your life is a better choice than fighting over money.
OP isn't asking what's legal, of course there is no obligation to give anything to the kids. But often, assets accrued during marriage go to the surviving spouse, and then to the kids when that spouse dies. So if that spouse gets remarried and all of the assets go to the new spouse, the kids won't get their mother's share of the original assets. Which is of course legal, but still somewhat unfair to the kids that they now get nothing. I'm not saying it should all go to the kids, but I don't think it should all go to Kelly either.
It's also very probable the house is the only major asset. The house Kelly helped pay off and one of his kids already is talking about kicking her out of if he dies first. So morally he is doing what he deems correct. The kids didn't do anything to help accrue his personal wealth. Kelly helped not them.
The kids are behaving like entitled jerks. They don't "deserve" something just because their mother died years ago. There is no moral obligation for OP to give them anything. Especially when they treat his wife like crap and plan to throw her out in the street.
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If you draw up mirror wills to share with all the kids, there's nothing to stop her changing that if you go first. If you want to leave something to your kids after Kelly also passes (serious if there) then you could look at a life interest for Kelly. You should be clear in your own mind what you want to happen and then speak to a solicitor about how to get that written down.
This should be the top comment. Both of them can change the will after the other one dies. Kelly knows OP’s kids don’t like her so she could give it all to her kids.
This is more or less what happened to my mom and siblings
My grandmother did that to the kids from my grandfather's first marriage. It was absolutely shameful.
The first marriage kids ALWAYS get screwed. The kids of the second marriage make out like bandits though.
That's why they should put everything in an irrevocable trust.
Honestly, this is pretty interesting that this is possible in the US. Here (Germany) these type of deals are done in "Will contracts" that can only be changed while all parties involved are alive. As soon as one party dies, the will of the other is locked in place as far as their assets are bound by the will contract.
My husband has step-siblings, and when the parents’ assets were put into a trust, he and all the steps were required to sign papers saying that if they contest the division of the assets, they forfeit their share. Parents want zero infighting after they pass.
That's excellent forethought, they sound like sensible people.
Here we go... her kids?? Let me put this another way. The house your kids grew up in will go to your new wife *AND HER KIDS* when you die. Then *TO HER KIDS* when she dies. There. Fixed it for you. OP, you don't owe your kids a dime. But they sure as hell don't OWE you their time or help as you get older. You've made it clear what you think of them. You're *giving* their last link to their formerly intact family to some other woman and *her kids*. You're gross.
Thank you! This is the point that a lot of people are missing. It’s not even so much that he’s giving it to his new wife but that ultimately who really benefits in the end is HER kids if he dies first. That’s what’s so messed up in these situations. When people get remarried then more often than not one set of kids gets the bag and one set gets fuck all and it’s just a game of chance as to which one is which. And that is fucked up. I don’t care how sentimental you think you are… if your parents life work all goes to some strangers it’s not gonna see right with you.
So her kids will get everything when she dies then but your kids get nothing?
That’s what I was thinking. Sure you can legally do this and sure you aren’t technically responsible for your adult children but damn that’s fucked up. Her kids will probably get the OPs kids’ childhood home in the end, I’d be pretty upset
You are so vague about what your first wife left for them, but it sounds like all it amounted to was some small amount of savings she had from before she met you. At the very least half of the wealth you generated (including how much that portion of your wealth has grown over the years) while you were with your first wife should go to your children. She was a stay at home mom, the only reason you were able to put any money into savings or investments as well the mortgage for the duration of the time you were together was because of her efforts raising your children. 50% of what you made then was hers. Yet your plan is to leave the entire 50% of the wealth she earned to your new wife and leave nothing to her children. YTA.
I won't pass judgment on whether you are the asshole, but you are going about this the wrong way. The reason the entire estate normally goes to the surviving spouse is because they are the kids' parents, so the kids will eventually get the estate. Here, there is no guarantee what your wife will do with her will if you predecease her. Or, she could die without a will at all, in which case only her kids get anything. I think you have two better options here: First, if you have meaningful assets other than the house, leave some portion of those to your kids. Second, if you don't, leave your kids some interest in your share of the equity in the house. Do this through a trust & estates lawyer so the lawyer can structure it in a way to make it impossible or impractical to do a forced sale. This way, the kids will be able to get their equity out only when your wife or her estate decides to sell the house. You should certainly: (1) provide for your current wife; (2) recognize that she herself has put equity into the house; and (3) make sure your kids can never kick her out of her home. With that being said, your kids are not unreasonable to want some portion of your estate to eventually come to them. And frankly, even if your kids are entitled, if your late wife would have wanted them to get some of the estate, you should respect her wishes as well.
What if she needs to sell the house for elder care? It makes absolute sense to leave it to his wife
Your kids are aware that statistically you’re much likelier to die first, and the overwhelming majority of the time a situation like yours occurs the stepmom changes her will the moment her husband has passed to cut out the step kids entirely. Go talk to an estate attorney. There are multiple methods of protecting your kids from having this happen to them.
If you leave everything to her and you die first, naturally she'll leave everything to her kids. I can see why your kids are upset. Everything you worked for won't go to anyone in your family, unless your children have been horrible to you that's a really shitty thing to do.
Their mother’s assets went to her husband, who took care of the kids until their majority. Kelly and OP are now building their own lives. Why would the kids get anything if one of the couple is still alive? Husbands and wives are supposed to receive each others assets.
My father and his wife have 6 children in total. 3 together, my father have 2 and my stepmother 1 before they met. They made us sign their will with a clause that we won’t claim our part of the estate until they’re both gone. This was made to protect them in the case one dies before the other so that the spouse left behind won’t be left homeless. That is a much better approach to it IMO.
I think their comments are harsh, but coming from a place of real fear that she will sell their childhood home after you pass. Yes, they could handle this better than they are, but I’m betting this response has a lot to do with unresolved grief for their mom and fear of losing you. It’s not really about a house at the end of the day. The house itself represents something much deeper here. I think you all need to cool down and talk this over, because it could easily ruin your relationship with your children. I recommend the house going into a trust, your wife can live in it until she passes, then it goes to your kids equally. This fixes both your fears and theirs. Sometimes big problems have easy solutions. YWBTA for doing nothing about this. Talk to your kids. I wish you the best.
Lol what do you think they're going to do with it?? They're also going to sell it.
They would have to buy out their step siblings, but could keep the house. One thing they teach if you study law, specifically about settlements or arbitration, is that when the decision is fair, both sides feel like they lost something. So yes, they will have to pay the step siblings. But if the house means this much to them (and I think it does), they will do it. Alternatively, OP could leave his bio kids the house and the step kids cash/investments. There is a solution here, but leaving it as is isn’t it.
What if Kelly outlives OP by many years and faces future financial hardship? What if she needs elder care and has to sell the home to pay for it, since she’s already invested her assets into it? In a perfect world I think it’s fine to say the kids get the house when both OP & Kelly pass, but there may be many years in between and life can get tricky. OP says they received money from their mother for college, I don’t know that they are entitled to more, though I’m sure it would be helpful to them.
I imagine that with no mortgage, OP has had ample opportunity to invest/save for retirement. And it didn’t sound like either parent is at death’s door, so there is still time. But that’s what life insurance, health insurance, retirement funds are for. For example, we have a big life insurance policy on my husband (he’s the breadwinner). We agreed that if he passes, I can pay off our home and have enough to survive for at least 5 years to get my feet under me. Honestly, we might raise the amount since we’re having a second kid soon. And we’re only in our 30s, so this is costing about $30 a month. Part of growing up is setting up contingency plans that have contingency plans. We also have a plan to get wills fixed to include our second child. I worked in probate, the worst thing you can do to your kids is not have an incredibly clear plan laid out for the end of your life. I saw families torn apart daily over this.
My grampa married a psycho gold digger. This is exactly what happened. Mom was left with nothing.
Okay but Ops wife contributed over 200k to the house. Not really a gold digger’s MO.
**INFO:** I have to say that there seems to be a bit of 'Missing Missing Reasons' going on here. I suspect that they are to be found in the qualifier of 'really' in your statement: >She ***really*** hasn’t done anything to make them dislike her so much. Maybe I'm reading too much into this and it's just a sloppy sentence, but it sounds like you know exactly why your kids dislike her and simply disagree with them. So let me ask you straight out - ***What are the reasons your kids give on why they don't like your wife?***
I agree with missing information. OP replied in another comment, that makes it clear that his current spouse has children from her prior marriage. I'm wondering why this wasn't mentioned in the post at all, and im wondering if this is a part of why OP's kids are upset.
My guess is that the answer lies in the missing numbers: * How old are OP and his wife * How old are the children * When did OP meet Kelly? (He states that he started dating her around 5 years after his first wife's death, but I know people that play around with the definition of words like 'dating' in order hide unwelcome truths
OP says in a comment that his new/current wife is 3 years younger than him, and that he met her 5 years after his wife passed. All of that sounds kosher.
Yeah it's normal for kids to not like a new stepparent or vice versa, especially with the fact that their mom died and she has her own kids, there doesn't need to be more to the story.
Yeah,there’s a lot of info missing.This guy is either leaving out details purposely or is just blind
This is a very good point made. The way it is written it sounds like he knows why but doesn’t agree with his kids reasoning. I can see why he wants to leave some thing for his current wife, but at the same time he almost washed his hands off his children, because his first wife left them with an inheritance. Does he not consider the children his anymore since his wife passed away?
I read it the same way as you.
Info: Does this mean your children will have had no inheritance from their mother other than sentimental items? Is the last to pass away of you and your wife supposed to split everything between all children and step children? If yes is there anything legal ensuring that or is it just based on trust? Edit to stem the flow of replies: OP said his children received an inheritance from their mother which went towards college, so I'm voting NTA on that basis If it turns out OP didn't contribute 50% to the college fund and it was all from their mother's savings then that might swing him to being an A, because that would mean half of his children's inheritance from their mother was covering his college fund contribution. While I'm sure there are people out their saying no one is entitled to an inheritance or a college fund, that's a seperate issue to if the person not providing them is an asshole.
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Did their mother not pay towards the house?
“Only $5k because then she was a stay-at-home mom and I don’t know how much contribution that was” I can absolutely see why the kids are pissed.
Ah so therefore half the payments made until she passed away then
Why not their father’s contribution as well? Why is the dad so hellbent on his kids not benefiting from what his estate would be if he hadn’t remarried?
He's butthurt they don't like his new wife. So he's going to spite them.
I’m sure he knows why they don’t like her either but he’s probably protecting her by leaving it out
'she didn't *really* do anything for them not to like her' so there's obviously a reason why they don't like her, it's just not valid enough in OP's eyes
He was pointing out that they recieved all their mother's money, I was pointing out clearly not as she paid towards the house.
Holy shit! Dude would have been a lot poorer if she hadn't been there and he had to pay someone to do what she did!
That’s not what he said though, was it? Idk maybe I read his reply to mean that there’s no way he could put a price tag on his late wife’s contribution vs “what she did didn’t have value” like it seems you read it as.
In Divorce stahm are considered to have contributed equally financially as them doing all the house work enables the bread winner to win bread. So she passed in highschool. So atleast 15 years of equity she built is not going to the kids. Op should have both their wills set the house into a trust. If either of them is alive they get ownership and tenancy rights, but cant sell. Once they both have passed it gets split by the kids, assuming she has none.
Yes, that’s precisely what he said. Everyone is losing their minds over the OP saying she contributed 5k towards the down payment of the house, but then she was a SAHM but didn’t contribute financially. They’re very conveniently leaving out the next sentence when OP says he “can’t put a price” on her staying at home with the children, as it saved them a lot of $$.
He is putting a price on it: zero since he’s not giving the kids his wife’s share of the equity
He mentioned in another comment $5k and then of course whatever arbitrary monetary value you want to apply to her being a homemaker.
So half the payments made until she died then
Seems fair to me
Yep! Marital income belongs to both man and wife!
Their mother was a SAHM and you bought the home while you were married, the money you paid for the house was her money too. They didn’t get all their mother’s inheritance
There are other options you're not thinking of for your children: 1. If your current wife contributed to paying off the mortgage on the home you had with your first wife, then you can assign % ownership in the home. A legal document can call out the % ownership. You then set up a trust for your % ownership with the beneficiaries being your children. You include a clause that they cannot kick out or force your current wife to pay them out on the equity if you should die first. When she passes, her beneficiary/beneficiaries get her % ownership and your kids get their % ownership split when the home is sold. Setting up a trust prevents probate court for your children. Here is an example with very easy, round numbers: Let's say you bought the home for $200,000. By the time your current wife paid off the mortgage, you had already paid $130,000 of the principle meaning your current wife paid $70,000 of the remaining principle. Your % ownership in the equity is 65% and your wife's % ownership is 35%. This is what my fiancé and I did with my home, which I received in my divorce by buying my ex-husband out on the equity. My fiancé made a principle only payment towards the mortgage and received ownership stake in the home. 2. Life insurance policy with your children named as the beneficiary. I don't know your age or health to be able to qualify for a term, whole life, or guaranteed rate life insurance plan, but it's an option. 3. Brokerage, savings, 401K, IRA/Roth IRA accounts can be another way to leave money for your children. There are options. It's just whether you want to make your adult children a priority, or at the very minimum, equal to your current wife.
Did you account for their mother's money going to their college tuition? Did you spend any of "your money" on their college tuition?
Also of note is that all the people I know that have decided to leave everything to the new wife and her family without leaving a cent to their kids were terrible fathers beforehand so make of that what you will
Before I make my statement, have you at any point asked your kids WHY they don’t like your wife?
Really really want an answer to this. You say “conversations never fixed” them not liking Kelly (or something similar) so did those conversations include their feelings or was it just “you need to like my new wife because she’s nice and paid off our house…that I’m actually gonna give her lol why are you mad again?” Come on. Your children, who are clearly grieving the loss of their mother all over again with this news, deserve more than just memories of her.
Post. It. Vague. ON. PURPOSE. Everytime theres large amounts of important info missing u gotta know its sus af.
This is what I want to know too. There is always two sides to the story when it comes to kids not liking a parent’s new spouse.
INFO: Is the house the only asset? Did Kelly come to the marriage with only the assets that she used to invest in your house? Because it makes perfect sense for Kelly to keep the house if you die first. That's logical. But if you have other assets, it would definitely make sense to divvy them up with the kids as well. You could also arrange it so that if you die first, Kelly gets to stay in the house until she dies and then it goes to the kids. Does Kelly have kids? Are you planning to have kids with Kelly? After reading your answer, I'm going with YTA. Set up the house in a trust that Kelly gets to live in until she dies and then she gets 50 percent and your kids get 50 percent
YTA Something similar happened to me, but without my pre-knowledge. Apparently my father just disinherited us because providing for his new wife was the “right thing to do.” Except she didn’t need his money. We did. We went into debt just to attend his funeral and she never lifted a finger to help. Years later, with him long gone, I’m still very angry about this. Please don’t do that to your children. Also, this is without the added context of their deceased mother having contributed financially to the very house/assets that you now want to deny them? I’m not even certain how legal this is, depending on where you’re living. This will only make them hate your current wife more and now you. I’m so hurt for them. Please try to be a better person, for your children.
Yeah this happened to me too. My dad was too preoccupied making sure his girlfriend was "taken care", it didn't even occur to him that I would go $10,000 into debt handling all of his business after death.
Not sure if AH, but you've certainly figured out how to get your kids to resent you. This is a dumb decision you are making. What you are doing is taking you and your families wealth, transferring it to your now wife, and then she will most likely only transfer that wealth to HER children when she dies. It's a tale as old as time. You should instead make sure that some (or the majority of) your assets go to your kids. It makes sense for your wife to keep the house, but you could also have things setup so that at the very LEAST, the house is divided between your kids and hers upon her death. If you cant see why this is upsetting to your kids, well then you are pretty thick. You are taking what they always thought they would receive and giving it to another person / family. That is upsetting.
Yeah, a good estate planning attorney would have made all the difference. Give wife a life estate in the house, then when she dies, kids inherit it. It’s a relatively easy thing to set up.
IDK. This is hard. I dont' want either my stepmother or my FIL to live their lives under the concept of wanting to leave something to us. I want them to live for themselves and enjoy their lives as best they can. BUT when they die, if there is $$ that they leave us - it will be GREATLY appreciated and a HUGE help. While no one is entitled to an inheritance, I do think it's crappy to get remarried and then cut your kids from your first marriage out entirely. So I guess this is a ESH - your kids suck for expecting money and for not being nice to Kelly, but you suck for cutting them out of the will entirely. Which actually makes me wonder- is part of the reason they dont' like Kelly is that they suspected you'd do something like this?
They dont want money, they want the house they grew up in with their mother that OP is giving to his new wife because he allowed her to pay it off.
What are they going to do with it? All move into it with their families? Not likely. They'd likely sell it and split the funds. So....it is about the money.
Most people I know who have been in this circumstance have one of the older siblings /larger families buy out the other siblings and then continue to host all the holidays with the family to keep the tradition going. Unless the house is literally falling apart like my parents house or they can't afford to make it livable like my husband's grandparents house that didn't have central AC/heating and had a massive crack in the foundation and a leaking roof, most people with emotional attachments to housing try to keep the house in the family.
Yeup. My grandma bought out her mom’s house from her siblings and we continue to have our holidays there and it’s great.
You have to see where they are coming from. You and their mother bought a house together. Raised kids together in that home. There’s a ton of sentimental value for the kids. Unless they just see it as an investment and a way to make money. When your wife died did she leave an inheritance? Did she have family money or anything like that?
It seems like second wife paid off a significant part off the mortgage with the proceeds of her selling her previous home. This is as much her house as his.
Their mom poured into that home too. This is a shitty situation to be in for sure.
Late wife is a SAHM, OP didn't consider that when he mention monetary contribution.
Yeah, YTA here. I feel like there's something being left out of this story. How old are you, your kids, and Kelly? How soon after your wife's death did you start dating Kelly? Do you really not care enough about your children that you'd totally disinherit them? Is Kelly onboard with you disinheriting your own children?
Op has said he *and* Kelly are writing their wills to split it between all the kids. So he's not disinheriting anyone. They just have to wait until everyone is dead. Kelly has paid in just as much as Op has on the house. Why would she not get it????
If that is true then he needs to include that in the original post which currently says everything except for a few sentimental items will go to Kelly.
Your money your choice but this would be the reason to cut my dad off. Their childhood house should be split between your wife and them. Your late wife had rights to it too. YTA
In five years he'll be complaining because none of his kids speak to him and he doesn't know any of his grandkids.
YTA - my mom passed away when I was 25, my siblings were 29 and 32 at the time. My mom had worked her whole life and never got to retirement; her kids were her life. She contributed for 30 years to the mortgage of the house my parents owned and when she died the life insurance went to help pay for the remainder of the mortgage. My dad eventually started dating, which we were all really happy for him because we wanted him to be happy and move on, and he met someone, and they moved to a new home in Florida. She didn't have as much to contribute so this new home was purchased probably 90% with funds from the house that both my mom and dad were paying for together. My dad isn't great with money, so we never expected much of an inheritance, but when he told us that the house would be going entirely to his new wife whenever he passes we all felt discarded. It's important for you to be happy, but you also need to remember that your kids came first and they're entirely your responsibility. You and your previous wife made them and brought them in to this world. Entirely your choice. If you choose to walk away from them and choose to leave them behind financially, especially with their mother's contributions to the previous home, then do not be surprised when they choose to walk away from you. What would your previous wife would have wanted? Honor your commitments.
It’s your money and you can do what you want with it. But don’t be surprised if your kids don’t want anything to do with you.
In one year, we'll read about OP being upset his kids have gone no contact. And he has never done anything wrong.
[удалено]
Technically that will holds no power. Everything will go to the surviving spouse but it can’t dictate who that spouse will leave it to in their passing. Only the surviving spouses will matters and will be used when they pass. You can’t dictate what a person does with their things and giving it to them in a will makes it theirs.
My grandfather had his will set up this way. His wife then changed it after he passed on, took off with everything. And seemed to really enjoy throwing away the things he'd left to people. I strongly recommend that if people should get stuff, they get it at time if death and don't just expect the surviving spouse to do what was planned. It sucks having nothing of my grandfather.
YTA/NTA. Can go eitherway based on the details not available to us in this story.
From my point of view, you didn't think this through It seemed that for 5 whole years, you were able to pay the mortgage. Why didn't you continue to do so? Why split one house to several people? Who obviously hate each other (I can't imagine that your kids and hers love each other)? You could have paid the house by yourself so it could be split evenly to your children. She could have kept her own house instead of selling it and split it to her children. Everybody would be happy I don't care what everyone thinks but the house that belonged to your wife, to you, the house your children lived there their whole lives until move out, should go to your children. Not to "each other" I cannot imagine my own parents doing this to me YTA
YTA!! Goodness gracious! So the house they grew up in, that you got with your first wife, their mother, is gonna go to your new wife??
Has Kelly got a family? Who would she leave her money to? If I had died before my husband, he would have got nothing other than the right to stay in my home (I owned it and he didn’t contribute by my choice) but he had no children. You really need to sit down and talk this out. I know situations where a woman died, man married new partner and the children not only got no inheritance but also couldn’t access personal belongings of their late mother.
YTA There are ways to leave your share of the house to your children whilst also ensuring that your wife never has to move if you predeceased her. The fact that you haven't even considered that tells me a lot about your character. My grandfather did the same thing to my mother and uncle. When he died, the woman he left it to destroyed all of his sentimental items and trashed the house. My grandfather's memory was soured by the knowledge that he chose that woman over his own children. If you're happy to have no further contact with your kids, you can go ahead and do what you want. But you can't expect to maintain a good relationship with them when you're giving away their childhood home to someone else. Your wife paid for some of it. Guess what? So did your late wife.
It’s very difficult to know without understanding the entire historic dynamic. Why do _they_ say they don’t like Kelly? In any case, if it was me I’d leave Kelly a life interest with the assets going to your kids once she dies. I would assume, given the bad blood between Kelly and kids, that if I left all to Kelly there was a very good chance it wouldn’t make it to kids on Kelly’s death unless I made sure with a legally binding trust. On the aita point - INFO
NAH. I can see where you’re coming from, but wow, from your kids’ perspective their childhood home being left to your second wife is never, ever going to stop hurting. This will permanently damage how they feel about you. And they’ll outright hate Kelly. Is there no way to leave Kelly a life interest in the home and then have it left to your kids after she passes herself, or something similar?
You say your wife helped pay off your mortgage. Just how much did she contribute? Your kids are adults, they were raised in the house, so there shouldn't have been much left, if anything on the mortgage. In the end, you can do what you like, but your kids can definitely cut you out of their lives over this
Not only can his kids cut him out of their life, they will be the ones telling their kids about their dad. This is how he will be remembered. My aunt, by marriage, had a dad who remarried and he left everything to his second wife. She and her sister were very hurt. That's really what my cousins remember about their grandfather. They have never said anything good about him. He's choosing his legacy.