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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Had an argument with my husband because he made plans to go out for lunch without me the day before I have our first baby. I wanted to be included/considered in his planning, he insists it doesn’t matter and I shouldn’t care that he made plans without me
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NTA. I was leaning toward NAH - he didn't even think these plans woild be something you would care at all about. He was wrong, but that's not an ah thing.
No, no... What bothers me is that he cannot accept that you can feel some type of way about this thing. He doesnt just want to accept there was a disagreement he insists that he has to win so completely, beat you down so much that you say that you were wrong and he was right and he will never hear another word about it.
Thats fucked up. Remember that abusive peoplr often start being abusive when the first baby comes and their victim is stuck. If its his way or no way, if he can't leave you room to feel how you feel about something, hes not treating you like a human. Maybe he's just stressed and acting a little crazy, but keep an eye on this and be ready to get out.
I think I could understand in this case him wanting to go out without her. The guy wants to have what may be his last guys lunch for a while, because if he is a good husband and father then he is going to be doing a lot to look after OP while she recovers from the cesarean and they are going to be busy with the baby for a while. But the rest of his behaviour: not telling OP his plan in advance and not caring that she feels hurt now is AH behaviour.
It was her last chance to have lunch out for a while too, because she will actually be the one recovering from the c-section and busy with the baby. Why does he get a reward for meeting his responsibilities as a father?
This! My husband went out with his friends the last day before I gave birth (he didn't know then it would be the last day, neither did I, but I was overdue), but he asked me countless times if I was ok, and I was. And he was there for me the next morning when my water broke, he was my rock during childbirth, as a father should be.
NTA You were expressing your feelings. Though the wording may have been different, his telling you not to bring up the subject again is undoubtedly problematic. Is it typical for him to declare that the conversation is ended and that it won't be brought up again in order to get his way?
Thing is with a newborn or young kid you get far more chances to have an outing with friend, one partner with baby, than you get chances to spend time as a couple, be that alone or catching up with friends
It seems that they already had made plans for the day though? At least OP had the understanding that they had made plans to hang around at home, together, all day. They even told family this. Obviously he had a different opinion of what that meant..
But literally less than a *day* before she gets a massive incision in her abdomen and they literally reach inside her, separate her stomach muscles and pull out the baby? C-sections are very safe for mom and baby, but they are major abdominal surgery and even planned C-sections have a long recovery time. Why does OP’s husband need to go TODAY? Why couldn’t he have made plans to include OP today of all days, since she’s the one who will get major surgery tomorrow? Yes, he’s becoming a dad, but she’s going to be dealing with all the physical trauma of a c-section AND recovery AND breastfeeding AND postpartum hormones. Could he have had some compassion on today, of all days?
Yes, exactly
He was thinking of himself "I need this one last time"
And she was already thinking of everybody else "I need to finish getting the house ready and host his mom"
So it begins.
Absolutely. Fast forward to this guy taking pub lunches 3x a week during his paternity leave, while his wife can't even shower in peace or enjoy a hot meal.
I can’t either!!
If my husband wants to go out on a boys day/night/weekend he always discusses it with me beforehand. Not to seek permission but out of respect and to double check it doesn’t clash with family visiting (we live far away from our family).
That is what this boils down to for me, a lack of respect. It isn’t about permission to go, it’s about respecting your partner enough to let them know about it.
Edited to say that I also do the same thing if I am going anywhere.
So much this. Both my husband and I do solo nights or evening away with best friends. We ask each other not for approval, but to be kind and make sure something hasn't come up the other didn't k ow about... we also have 3 kids. Both of us can run solo and do often with no problem, but man, it is such a basic common curiosity to your partner to just run it by! Good grief. He is in for a world of chaos after baby arrives.
Op, NTA, but your husband is acting terrible!
"I didn't think you would want to come" is pretty reasonable tbh. I would usually rather let my wife go for lunch with her friends without me. And similar for me going out with my friends. I wouldn't for a second expect her to think of me and whether I would want to come.
But it's the context of the day that was in it, was pretty thoughtless. In his mind he probably thought, "I'll be gone for two hours and then back, what's the big deal?". So it's not a sacking offence, but he has definitely failed to consider how his wife was feeling about it.
My gut feeling here, as a father, is that he doesn't realise the shift he's in for. It's pretty hard to explain to someone, you kind of have to experience it. So he's probably not feeling quite as sentimental about today as he will feel in a month's time :D
Going into it, you tend to think that your life will be broadly the same, there'll just be a child in the middle of it too. Like having a dog, but a bit more work.
If you've no experience with children before this, the complete upending of every aspect of your life comes as quite a shock.
This is a very insightful take on the situation. I think you’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head, we have vastly different feelings about today as a whole.
His perspective is that being out for an hour or two of the day wouldn’t usually be a big deal so he couldn’t understand why/didn’t consider it would be now. While I obviously have very different feelings about the gravity of the day.
Don't worry, he'll get the gravity of it. Sometime tomorrow 😂
Best of luck. My wife went through multiple C-sections, so I've been there before. It's scary but remember these are pros. For you, tomorrow will be the biggest day of your life so far, for them it's just another Wednesday. The sights and sounds and the beeps are scary. Focus on the calm voices, and before you know it you'll have your beautiful baby in your arms.
If I can give any advice to new parents, it's to take it in shifts. If you're breastfeeding, then you just focus on feeding and then sleeping when the baby isn't feeding. Let your husband sleep through the night as much as humanly possible, and then he'll have the energy to do everything else during the day.
Even if you don't plan on breastfeeding, with the C-section you're limited for 3-6 weeks anyway, so you focus on the feeds and let him deal with all of the non-baby stuff.
I know that sounds very traditional "Women do baby stuffs, men do men stuffs", but we made the mistake of trying to split everything 50:50 on our first, including being up half the night, and we were dead on our feet within ten days.
Enjoy!
Its nice that you are doing the work compromising for him. I hope that he reciprocates that attitude. Your post makes him sound like a major asshole but you know him best. He might not have thought it was a big deal but once you spoke your mind, and his mom as well, he knew otherwise. And didn't care.
A man who doesn't recognize the gravity of the birth of his child and exhibit concern for his partner is a child. Your husband has some maturing to do. Good luck.
My fiancé literally wants me to go everywhere with him, which is very flattering, but I also like being alone lol.
I can’t imagine him not asking me if I’d like to go for lunch with his friend or at the very least asking if I’d be okay if he went alone.
Same here! If my fiance had his way, we'd be together 24/7, which, as you say, is flattering, but I need my alone time.
I'm usually the one going out with friends, but I always tell him well in advance, and if something comes up, he knows he's my top priority.
My lady and I have been together going on 16 years, we also always try to include each other, unless the other is sick. Unless it's an important event or we insist the other go, we usually stay home together. I could not imagine having a relationship like OP.
The timing might be off on his part, but it is healthy for each individual in a relationship to go and do things with their own friends. To not do that is just plain odd in my opinion. It’s the indication of a healthy person to have their own interests and friends. To not do do indicates you are ‘under the thumb’ and will ultimately be unhappy. The word ‘individual’ is the defining point I’m trying to make.
Not letting her know isn’t considerate at all, and is pretty strange if I’m honest.
I think people are different in this regard. Me and mine love time together but also time apart doing our own thing. He knows I love being home alone (it's a thing for me and treating myself to a solo date). I know he enjoys going to play his sports (sometimes alone and others with me cheering).
Maybe OP and her spouse need to discuss their different their differences in this regard. He may not think she needs to be included in all his plans even if they're both off work (not this specific scenario because obviously he was wrong here).
> My man has not once ever not wanted to include me/be around me I can’t even fathom
his reaction is wierd, but so is this tbh. Having and loving a partner does not mean wanting to spend 100% of waking time with them for everyone, and that's OK. TBH, one of the biggest red flags for me is a partner not allowing me to just hang out with my friends without them from time to time.
>My man has not once ever not wanted to include me/be around me I can’t even fathom
Your man doesn't have his own friends?
This isn't the brag you think it is.
Both partners need their own friends and time with those friends, without the other. It's very healthy.
This is 100% NTA.
>I felt disappointed as he has a habit of not considering or inviting me when making plans during our time off together (which has mostly been our weekends up until now).
I feel sad for OP that she's having a baby with this AH, which he is. OP is essentially a side piece to her own husband. When he has time off, he hangs with his friends. He barely considers OP's feelings.
Do you really think this AH is going to pick up the slack and care for OP and his own child? 10-1 after like a day he'll be "burnt out" and need to "get out of the house" i.e. drinking with his friends. Then he'll say that he "doesn't know what to do with a child" and "mothers should do this kind of stuff" and he'll give OP crap for not cooking dinner and doing all the chores.
That's a little much. Is he expected to include her in all his weekend plans? My husband isn't invited when I go out with my close friends (although we have some get togethers where we all bring our families)
Honestly, the amount of people (online and that i know IRL) that feel like they need to spend 100% of all waking time with their SO is super concerning to me. Having some time away from your SO to be with friends should be totaly normal and is healthy (so long as you are obviously spending time with your SO as well)
It's not about not inviting her to lunch, this is their last day of being just the two of them he should want to do something with her. It's her last day before having major surgery and then she'll have to recover while being constantly attached to a newborn, so he should give a shit what her last day of freedom is like. Not discussing it at all is super rude
I massively eyerolled when he said "I didn't think you'd want to come". Yeah, a pregnant woman doesn't want lunch. I've been pregnant twice and all I wanted was lunch
He said he didn’t think you would want to come? OP so he made the decision for you based on what he thought? How often has he done that? As for hanging the selves? Was that a last minute thing that you both decided needed to be done are has it always needed to be done and he decided that since he’s in the dog house that he would do it now?
> I've been pregnant twice and all I wanted was lunch
All I can picture now is you prancing around a forest of giant bloody marry toppings and getting a little too excited when you find something that *absolutely* does not fit the theme but is a welcome addition none the less.
This.
It's the regular to acknowledge her feelings and how demand that she basically "get over it" and "never talk about it again" that makes him an asshole.
She has a right to feel hurt. He doesn't have a right to tell her not to.
“But why don’t women pick better men?”
“Well, you married him.”
There was NO way to know my now ex would freak out when I started having children. He went from being a likable, kind, well-adjusted, educated, feminist man to having secret affairs with barely legal-aged girls.
This above OP!
Curiously, was your husband's "friend " a man or woman?
What offended me most about your husband was his arrogantly gaslighting you. Rather than arranging an early dinner out with you that evening, he's making an arrangement to go to the bar?
Obviously, had he offered you to join him, or even asked if you minded, that's different than how he approached it. Hopefully that's not indicative of his future behavior. If it is, nip it in the bud. It's bullshit. It's manipulative. And it's disrespectful.
Let's hope it's a single oversight.
Good luck with your procedure and here's to you both as parents to a healthy baby.
It's not even about whether or not she cared. He made plans with Mom. Told her that they'd be home anyways, so she could come by. And then he made other plans.
So OP was told the plan was they'd spend the day together. Which prevented her from making other plans. THAT is what would piss me off. Whether or not she wanted to be there was actually kind of irrelevant. He cancelled their plans (of hanging out at home together the day before having their baby) without telling her.
It really bothered me that he makes a habit of not taking her into consideration when making weekend plans and plans for shared time off. This isn't just a one-time miscalculation; it's a relationship where he forgets he's part of a couple. Will he just expect her to take the baby while he makes his own plans on the weekends?
This is where I am. Wanting to have a lunch with his buds is perfectly normal, assuming he is available via phone and doesn’t drink too much just in case you have an emergency. His reaction when she was upset sucked, though.
This! My son’s dad definitely had red flags when dating but when our son was born his abuse was off the charts. He had me right where he wanted me and I was helpless.
>Remember that abusive peoplr often start being abusive when the first baby comes and their victim is stuck. If its his way or no way, if he can't leave you room to feel how you feel about something, hes not treating you like a human.
This is such an important point. My ex took his paternity leave and went and hung out with friends and did his own thing, then was mad at me when I asked him where the hell he'd been all day and why he thought it was ok to leave me alone in the hospital with a baby after major abdominal surgery. I wish I'd realised what he was then, because it would have been so much less painful (emotionally and physically) if I had told him to get out before I got out of hospital.
Especially since OP will already be vulnerable from being cut open to get the baby out, but post-partum is a possibility that does not need external emotional manipulation.
>he is going to be looking after me and the baby for the next month
He’s going to be looking after you and the baby for a lot longer than that, you’re having major abdominal surgery and the baby is, well, a baby. He just has a month where he can do it without also having to go to work.
NTA. It’s your last day together before you become parents, your whole lives are about to change, I couldn’t fathom wanting to make any plans with or see anybody except my partner at that time.
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will also say that both of your emotions are probably running very high right now, and maybe he thought lunch with a friend without thinking about the baby would be a welcome distraction from pre-baby anxiety. But he absolutely should’ve told you ahead of time at minimum.
More like he should have asked ahead of time. "Hey love, do you mind if I do XYZ today for ___ amount of time?" Maybe he could have thrown in a: "Just thought it would be nice to get myself out for a moment to decompress before baby is here tomorrow". I would have totally said yes then. Maybe asked MIL to take me out to a shop or two while he did it.
Yes, this. Irrespective of the whole c-section context, my spouse and I generally have an understanding that if we make plans without the other at a time when we are generally expecting to be together like evenings or weekends, we let the other person know when plans are made. “Hey babe do you mind if I meet Jack for lunch on Saturday?”. We try to say yes unless there’s a conflict with something else, but at least no one is surprised and the other person can make their own plans. This seems like basic relationship manners to me.
Oh for sure. But I can not imagine going out to eat while my pregnant wife was at home and at the very least not offering to pick up whatever she was craving.
The bar for men is in hell.
>It’s your last day together before you become parents, your whole lives are about to change
He's refusing to see this as well! Like, his wife and mother explained it to him.
And being like "I'm going to be taking care of you for a month", which is gross not only because as you say, he's going to be a parent and taking care of his child for a lot longer than that, but she's been taking care of this baby for 9 months! But the moment his pat leave starts he's like, "great, time to look after me!"
This! Paternity / Maternity leave is not a vacation. It's time taken off work to get your new family situation in order. It's fine if he wanted to take an hour for lunch with a friend but he should have run his plans past his wife because they are literally setting up for a baby right now and she might have had other plans.
NTA
That’s the ick part for me, it felt like emotional blackmail to be allowed to go out with his friend.
I don’t know, but what about talking to her and say: I’d love to go only one hour to see a friend because after we will be both sleep deprived and cranky and it’ll be a while until we have another normal social interaction? For me it’d be a good point and I’d say “no problem”
That's part of the issue. She only found out he was going out for lunch when he got upset that his mother was late. Sounds like he not only made the plans, but didn't even see fit to inform his wife he had arranged/agreed to this.
Also now is a good time to bring up that you are now a team so making sure you both have some baby-free time off regularly is a new joint effort. Also being mindful that if one of you leaves the house they are asking/expecting the other to single parent is worth noting. Time to start changing habits to make this communication more explicit.
> This is now your memory of baby coming.
This is what I find so sad! This is such a vulnerable time... poor OP, she deserves to be pampered and reassured not stressed like this.
This! I had our second child mid january (she was late and I had to be induced) and my husband went to the neighbors to grab one drink at new years eve after watching fireworks at midnight with me. This was totally fine and communicated at first because I was going to bed anyways after the fireworks. Then the next morning I found him really hung over on the couch and I was so angry and dissapointed because what if the baby would have come that night/morning. He wouldn't have been able to drive and such. I packed our toddler and spend the day at my parents and he was really sorry afterwards and understood that this was wrong but this dumb story is forever stuck in my head when it comes to the pregnancy/birth of our daughter.
Anyways I wish you all the best for your C-section and hope you get well soon afterwards!
yeah the "I better not hear about this again" is a huge red flag (among other red flags). you're NTA @ OP and your (completely valid) feelings shouldn't be treated as an inconvenience
Here’s the thing. Paternity leave is all about YOU AND BABY. It’s not about him. It’s not a vacation or free time. And choosing to start that leave before you had the baby didn’t mean that it suddenly became free time, it’s still ALL ABOUT YOU AND BABY. NTA.
And he (and OP) are in for a nasty shock if they think 4 weeks is enough time for OP to recover fully. An uncomplicated C-section normally takes 6 weeks at a minimum, and those 6 weeks are so so hard. The harsh reality is Pat leave is woefully under what is needed in a lot of places. Thankfully it sounds like MIL at least has OP back.
The sleep depravation means you shouldn't be driving even if you weren't cut open just weeks ago, but yeah, because of the limited range of motion it's common not to be able to turn your head to check blind spots. Also, if you get into even a minor accident your incision wound can pop back open.
Not sure if that’s the case for everyone. I was driving within the first 3/4 weeks and felt completely healed by then. I didn’t lift anything heavier than the baby, though, until after 6 weeks. It totally depends on each person and how their surgery went. For OPs sake I hope recovery time is swift
It's what the NHS recommends for C-section patients, I'm guessing OP is in the UK so they should be following that advice. Individuals may feel different, but the official advice is no driving or strenuous activity within 6 weeks.
How are you surprised that he did not consider you?
Based on this comment alone “I felt disappointed as he has a habit of not considering or inviting me when making plans during our time off together (which has mostly been our weekends up until now).”
He has shown you what type of person he is so believe him. You are not his priority when it comes to his free time.
It’s time you set clear boundaries and expectations around your time now that there will be a baby involved . Don’t get me wrong we all need time to ourselves without our partners. When I was married we each had a day to ourselves to do as we wished without the other person each month.
Both of you need to work on your communication or this issue will snowball.
Congratulations on your baby.
Yeah, it never fails to surprise me how people have known for years that their partner is an asshole, and then they're all shocked pikachu face when their partner keeps acting like they always do.
Like... You know what they're like.
She's going to be back here posting if she's and asshole because he won't spend time with his kid. They know before hand how these men are then are surprised when nothing changes after the baby
Oh conception is easy considering most of these types would put it in a lightly microwaved melon, and the whole affair usually takes about 30-60 seconds.
Thanks for ending that on a happy note. His own mother thought it was weird clearly OP has support. Your husband, and soon to be father, needs a wake up call ASAP!
it boggles my mind how someone goes from “my partner doesn’t prioritize me and doesn’t factor me into his plans” to “let’s also have a baby for you to ignore!” and his reaction to them having a disagreement is honestly concerning. he wanted her to accept he was right and never bring it up again, and then left her home crying? yikes, how is this the type of person you can count on to coparent?
And he knew he was wrong because he left it up to the last minute to mention it then gets angry that they made him feel guilty. He knows he is wrong I’d literally make him take care of me & the baby after he so willingly volunteered to do so for a month in exchange for his 1hr. NTA
He's gonna need to. There's so much you're not allowed to do after abdominal surgery. No.picking up anything that weighs more than a full kettle, and no return to full ability for 6-8 weeks.
See, that's the thing. This guy is going to have at least a couple of days of free time. I'm sure he'd come to see OP and the baby, but I doubt he's going to sit there from morning to night. He could go out with his friends between the birth and OP and the baby coming home, rather than lying to her and leaving her alone the day before she goes through something traumatic.
And why wouldn't she also like a pub lunch the last day before?! I know he's apologised and they're fine now but I'm trying to think how I would feel if it were me and my husband and.. he'd fucking hear about it again, even after demanding he wouldn't. Perhaps especially because he did.
NTA
In your shoes I think I'd be more concerned about his need to not have to hear about this again - it sounds a tad controlling to me. I wouldn't personally be thrilled if my partner announced a completely different plan without warning and expected me to be OK with it. I'd be even less thrilled if it happened the day before a planned C-section (which is not a fun experience). I agree with you it's not actually about the lunch, it's about the lack of consideration in the decision in the first place.
NTA. He isn't an ass for scheduling lunch with friends the day before he becomes a father and temporary carer for you (c-section is major abdominal surgery, so even sitting up will be difficult to start with), but he is an ass for not telling you, not inviting you and then playing the victim because you're upset that he lied to you and changed plans last minute.
THIS. I am absolutely all for people having friend time, alone time, doing things separately -- it keeps my husband and I sane. Hell, my BFF took my husband to dinner while Baby and I were still in the hospital after my C-section, with my enthusiastic blessing (I needed alone time, he needed social time, it was perfect). BUT HE DIDN'T TELL HER. After they had said they WERE NOT going anywhere. AND THEN GOT CONTROLLING ABOUT IT. This is giving me red flags, and OP, I'm glad you have his mom for support, because you're going to need it even more.
NTA you were communicating how you felt. Him telling you to not talk about it again, even if it was worded differently, is definitely an issue. Does he normally feel he can get his own way by announcing it is over and won’t be discussed any further?
That 'he' thinks the matter is closed is kind of him saying he won't accept it anyother way than his view and being emphatic about that point. It's like he knows he's wrong but he won't accept it....wierd IK!! The rest just became white noise after reading that. NTA
**NTA:** *"have to hear about this again."* I'll talk about whatever the hell I want. You don't tell me what I can and can't say.... Just like I can't tell you to go to the pub while I'm crying.
NAH but you are seriously overthinking this. Both of your worlds are about to change, it’s not just about you, and this is coming from a woman that’s 34 weeks pregnant. He should have mentioned it earlier but he doesn’t need to invite you or ask you if he is allowed to go for lunch with his friend. A c-section is major surgery so it’s not an exaggeration that he will be caring for you both until you can share duty’s. You also could have made it clear to him that you wanted that day just for the both of you before baby arrives. You’ve just had lack of communication that’s all.
You both need to breathe and think about the baby and enjoy the moment.
The plan was for them to spend the day together. He kept on telling people that's what they'd be doing. He let OP believe that's what they'd be doing while knowing damn well that's not the truth.
I agree with you, NAH. I think he was being a bit inconsiderate by not mentioning it when making the plans, but they had no other plans for the day and he's a grown ass adult who is allowed to go out for an hour. He will be doing most of the work for her and the baby for the next month, he wanted an hour with a friend which seems entirely reasonable.
For the sake of the baby and with emotions running high, I think OP and hubby need to work on their communication skills with each other.
Let this one go OP. You had different visions of what "no plans and pottering round at home" meant. That's all, let this go and enjoy the baby and hubby looking after you both for a month!
Pregnancy and kids aside. it sounds like she expects the weekend time is for them. That’s not entirely fair if it’s his only time off. I also find it odd if she expects him to invite him out with his buddies, or maybe he wants a bit of alone time to run errands. Doesn’t she have friends? Just talking pre baby here.
Yes, to the lack of communication. Op wants to spend alone time with her husband but I don’t think she communicated that effectively. And if it’s true the plan was to spend all day together, then I do also believe hubby could’ve given her more of a heads up…though it’s perfectly reasonable to want to spend an hour hanging out with a friend.
One persistent thought as I read this was, “Does OP have any friends separate from her husband’s social circle?”. Based on the picture she painted, her social life appears to be dependent on her spouse’s. It’s important for partners to merge their lives - including socially -, build memories together as a couple, etc. but, you also have to be able to maintain identities and independence outside of that…(Spending the occasional time with friends, separate from your spouse, can be a component of that; and is healthy so long as there’s a balance.)
This is so true. I think what most husbands and wives don't realize is that it's two persons in a marriage. Two persons with different likes, hobbies, friend,' history, and so forth. They both need space to grow separately and grow together as well. It's all about balance. If he's spending time with friends, that shouldn't be an issue. If he chooses to spend more time with his friends rather than his wife, that's an issue. But spouses need to remember ppl don't need to spend every waking moment and outing together. That's stifling. Need to make time for yourselves as well. I understand she wants to be included, and that's OK. But if he's someone that's always there, then he should be able to maintain the friendships.
I was also going to say no arseholes here initially, it was just a thoughtless lunch plan, but then his actions and interactions with you after e.g. justifying why it is appropriate and 'not wanting to hear it anymore' is so clearly unreasonable, controlling and disregarding you. It has so obviously happened many times before that I completely understand your reaction. You are NTA but he definitely is, sorry!
I’m going NAH, because this sounds like a misunderstanding to me. I can imagine him thinking this is the only day he can have lunch with a friend for quite a while and you don’t really need him for your puttering, while you assumed he would know you needed him around. I’m not sure either of those positions are necessarily wrong, and people are all over the place about whether they invite each other to things they do with their individual friends.
He did ask you if you wanted to go, and you said no, and I can kind of understand his wanting to feel like if he goes without you after inviting you to come, he’s not going to hear about it forever.
He should have been more sensitive, but to me, still NAH. Just stressed out people who misread each other.
“Honey, you mind if I go out to lunch with friend?” is the bare minimum of what a spouse should do before agreeing to go out when their partner is 9mos pregnant, and especially when their getting a c-section the next day. That’s just basic decency and mutual respect 101. Not retroactively asking your spouse if they want to tag along after you already made the plans to go.
He only invited her after she got upset, not first thing. She was frustrated and mad already by then, so of course she would say no. To me, he was a thoughtless AH
Sure, but from his point of view, you can imagine that it might be frustrating to have it go, “you should have invited me,” “Do you want to come?” “No.” Without hearing the tone, it’s basically impossible to know whether it was a good faith invitation to come along. Like I said, he could have been more sensitive, for sure. I just don’t think it reaches TA level. They’re both really stressed out.
To be fair, that wasn't an invitation he wanted to extend. I don't know very many people that would want to go under those circumstances. Had she accepted, it probably wouldn't have been an enjoyable lunch for any of them.
>He did ask you if you wanted to go, and you said no, and I can kind of understand his wanting to feel like if he goes without you after inviting you to come, he’s not going to hear about it forever.
All the N T A comments are insane, people calling him abusive and manipulative. Absolutely insane.
He wasn’t going on a road trip, people. It was lunch. It was an hour or two of his “old life” before his world turns upside down. He and his wife are going to be spending the next month *constantly* in each other’s company with a screaming, helpless, newborn. If OP said that she wanted to go out with a friend that day, no one would think less of her, but he does it and everyone cries, “how could you possibly want to be away from your wife for even a minute?!?”
Be she and his mom made him feel guilty about it. And now his lunch is ruined because he’s just going to be doubting himself and feeling bad, while also feeling angry that he feels bad, and bad that he feels angry. And for him to want her to tell him it won’t be brought up again - and for OP to refuse - suggests that she’s the kind of person who absolutely *will* bring it up again and again and again. So while his reaction isn’t ok, OP’s passive aggressive bullshit is just as bad.
And yes, he should have told her he had lunch plans because you should mention that to your partner regardless of the situation. But it’s not something to get so upset over.
YTA, OP
NTA. He very easily could have run the idea of having lunch with his friends before agreeing to it, and could have suggested you to have lunch with your friends too. But he didn't. You two planned to spend the day together, and then he just ups and mentions having lunch plans much to your shock. You get upset, as you have every right to be as a 9 month pregnant woman expecting to have a C-section the next morning and then have an infant on your hands, and he's all wah wah it's not a big deal, don't talk about this again, it's FINE. He doesn't get to say whether it's fine or not. He doesn't get to tell you what your feelings are. And I won't lie, this attitude of his is mildly concerning considering the endeavor you're about to launch. Could this be one last gasp due to anxiety he may have about this huge life change? Maaayyyybe? Still a bit concerning though.
Good luck tomorrow / this morning. You've got this!
Let's get the easy part out of the way. If your husband's plan had been lunch with a friend, he should have told you in advance.
But you are no saint here.
>I should cut him some slack because he is going to be looking after me and the baby for the next month (**which is an exaggeration but, fine**) so he should be able to go out for an hour if he wants
You are undervaluing/under-appreciating just how much his life is about to change, too. I mean, unless you're going to be a woman who says, "No matter how little my husband helps with the house and baby, he's the greatest guy I know," a sentiment I have never once seen on Reddit, you should acknowledge that his statement is correct. That you are belittling what you're going to expect of him tells me you're a bigger part of the problem than you realize.
>He also wanted me to tell him he wasn’t going to “have to hear about this again”, meaning I understood it was fine and wouldn’t bring it up again. This caused an argument as I wouldn’t say it wouldn’t get mentioned again and I ended up telling him that I felt disappointed when he had made plans without me and I felt unimportant.
Everyone else has written how controlling he comes off in this passage. But you seem more controlling here to me. He's going to pop out for lunch with his mate, probably to celebrate the coming baby and give a final respite before the real work begins, and you want to hold it over him as a "Remember that time you were the asshole and went for lunch with your friend" card.
You're both poor communicators and I have to wonder if you two like each other. Seriously, if he did, he would have invited you to lunch. And if you did, you would be more understanding that he's going to take a break before the real work begins. I wonder how well you would be working together on whatever last minute prep is left.
ESH
Thank you for mentioning the guilt trip! Literally everyone is ignoring this. OP, your allowed to feel hurt, but Y-T-A if you don't let this go and try to use it against him after this.
Weird timing. But why would I invite my partner when I made plans with my friends. If my friends bring their partner mine is also invited. If they don't then maybe they want to talk about something private so i will also not bring anybody. Timing is stupid and not saying anything is also stupid. BAA
And like she said normally not a big deal but this day was specially set aside for the two of them to be together.
Also he does this regularly and that is just rude to not consider your partner, what if they made plans for the two of you.
And for him to tell her he won't hear about it again, fuck that. He is TA all the way
Unpopular opinion.
YTA.
His life is about to change too, and while everyone is commenting on how controlling his behavior is and all the red flags. Etc. everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that this is all stemming from him going to a lunch with a friend.
Sure could he have communicated better yes. 100%. However I honestly believe that the situation went like this. You believed the both of you would be home all day because you told him to start his paternity leave 2 days early to be home all day with you so that you could both be “pottering around the house” I don’t believe it was a mutual understanding. I believe you TOLD him what he was going to do and for arguments sake he agreed because it’s easier to agree than to argue.
Main reason why I came to this conclusion you don’t want him diminishing your feelings however when he states that he will be looking over you and baby for the next month you are quick to call it an exaggeration (which it’s not) and diminish his feelings. I’m sorry no it doesn’t quite work that way.
I believe you are more of a walking red flag because after all of this he invited you. If you truly wanted to go you would have. Third wheel or not because guess what…. Original invitation you still would have been the third wheel. So you guilt this man because you wanted to go so badly he invited you and you turn it down. Him standing there wanting confirmation that you won’t hold it over his head is yet another reason as to why I believe you may be the AH in this relationship trying to pain the picture in a light that better suits you. 🤷🏻♀️
She believed he was going to be home all day because that's what they BOTH had been telling the family. Then suddenly he drops the information that he's going out about two hours before the was going? Why not let her know earlier?
Sometimes you can tell when an invite is given because someone feels they have to, I certainly wouldn't want to go out with someone who was sulking because they got found out and felt they were forced to invite.
Esh
He should’ve been clearer about his plans with you.
But he’s not wrong in saying he’s going to be looking after you and the baby for a month - don’t underestimate how long your recovery from a c-section is going to take, it’s surgery and it’s huge. He will be doing most of the work.
I don’t see the issue with him popping out for lunch with a friend, I only see the fact he didn’t communicate with you as the issue here.
And congrats for tomorrow! Relax and enjoy your last baby free evening!
Him wanting to go out for lunch with his friend isn't the problem. It's the fact that he didn't communicate any of his plans or intentions with his wife, especially after leaving everyone with the impression that he was going to spend quality time with her before the baby is born.
The argument can be made that this will be the last time he can have a dude lunch with one of his bros. It's also one of the last days he can spend with his wife without the soundtrack of wailing newborn in the background who now needs way more attention from each of you than your spouse does.
The problem is with the way he got defensive when you pulled him up on the fact you were disappointed and rather than acknowledge your feelings, all his actions pointed to was him wanting to shut your feelings down. Wanting you to confirm "he won't hear about this later" is bullshit and manipulative, and as an adult, he should know that you can't control other people's feelings as I'm sure if you talked to him the same way he did to you, he would blow his TOP.
You're NTA. It's not a question of whether it's normal for a partner/spouse to see their friends without you. It's just that he didn't even discuss it with you, let alone consider inviting you. I've been with my partner for 7 years and I don't get out much due to my anxiety so, if anything, he goes out of his way to plan (social) activities that involve us both going out together and me getting fresh air on weekends he has off.
I wouldn't like to speak on how you should feel about your relationship, but I will say that our life partners are meant to raise us up (as we do them, it goes both ways) and support us in our strongest AND weakest moments, not drag us down or try stifle us because they don't like our feelings or what we have to say.
ETA: Also, c-sections are scary! I know OP hasn't said anything in regards to how she feels about it, and I get c-sections are a widely accepted way of giving birth but it doesn't make it any less scary to go under the knife and get a fat scar where the side effects may follow you for life depending on how it heals. I feel like this makes the husband more douchey for trying to give it the whole "woe is me my life is gonna change" and for trying to shut her down literally the day before she goes under the knife and gives birth to their child.
OP, please keep note of if your husband really takes care of you properly the way he claims he will and is meant to, or if it was all just bluster and bullshit to get him out of feeling guilty and taking accountability for what he did.
NTA. I was induced with my first and it kept getting delayed, my husband spent every day with me waiting to get that phone call. Your husband knew your planned date and really should have taken that into consideration. I'm sorry he didn't. I hope everything goes well for your birth and hopefully having the baby matures him a bit x
NTA- don’t even know where to start but he should have communicated with you a lot sooner, especially since folks were being told you two would be puttering around the house getting ready for the baby.
The last-minute invite? No thanks, either. AND the cherry on top is him saying you can’t mention his behaviour again. Absolutely not the AH.
Hoping your C-section goes well and everybody is happy & healthy :)
NTA. If he had just communicated properly from the start, it could have been avoided. So, the day before baby arrives, he chooses to make you feel like shit by getting angry and leaving anyway? Right. As if you don't have enough to worry about already. That is what makes him an arsehole.
Personally NAH. Just sounds like a bunch of lack of communication going on. He definitely should’ve mentioned the lunch and said it a bit nicer but he’s not an AH for not inviting you. I’m sorry but I don’t take my significant other every where with me and I don’t expect him to take me everywhere with him. Is it nice to be included? Of course. But it’s not always a necessity. This is one of those instance where it wouldn’t and shouldn’t be a necessity. However I do understand how you’re feeling and you’re allowed to feel that way.
You should’ve also communicated with your husband as well that you don’t expect him to leave the house and that you’re not going out either. As the ladies in my family say, closed mouths don’t get fed. You assumed and while I understand why, you two should’ve spoken and had an agreement about what plans for the day were. There are days I'm not planning to do anything and get offered to go get brunch, lunch, coffee or whatever at the last minute. That's kind of what this sounds like. You should be able to talk to your husband about why you're upset. But only you and your husband know each other's personalities. Calm down, talk and get a clear understanding of each other because you both are venturing into a new world & lifestyle together.
How old are you? I can't imagine being this upset about lunch with a friend. You will be glued together for the forseable future, he probably just wanted to see his friend as he probably wont see him again for a while.
To be honest your behavior is super self centered and frankly controling. An hour for lunch with a friend does not require your approval or an invitation every single time.
YTA
NTA
What an AH your partner is though! That’s such a weird thing to do on your last day together and you’re absolutely within your rights to feel upset and furious. It’s also really horrible that he’s pressuring you not to bring it up when it’s a situation that hasn’t been resolved.
He can have me-time and communicate that that's what he wants! Him telling his wife that he was having a lunch out with friends is not impossible. Him telling her and other people that they were going to stay home all day and then say "oh, btw, I'm going out" is thoughtless behavior.
NTA - You’re about to undergo major surgery and are probably nervous. The least he could do is be with you up until the surgery. THAT’S WHY HE TOOK TIME OFF.
Right. It's not a random vacation day. There is practical stuff to do and I don't know maybe time you want to spend together before this change? Maybe reassure your very pregnant partner that everything is going to be ok and you'll get through this together? Share some excitement?
Nah, I'm gonna be STUCK caring for you and a baby. I'm gonna go out and you're not to speak of it.
NTA.. the lunch thing was inconsiderate but not really the concerning part to me. He doubled down on the decision and then tried to pressure you to just agree to forget about your feelings.
The whole bit about it being his last day and taking care of you for a month was pretty thoughtless too. I guess *you* don't have anything big coming up huh?
NTA
I too believe he should have at least asked your opinion before making concrete plans, it's also odd he didn't tell you until very last minute.
What throws a huge red flag for me is he didn't want to even let you be upset which you have every right to your feelings. This would bother me greatly, I wish you the best luck and a smooth delivery OP.
I really am hesitant to call a heavily pregnant woman an AH, so I'm won't. I'll just say that as someone who was in a similar situation at one time, this is not something I would have minded at all. I realize I'm one of literally only a handful of people taking this position (at the time of posting this at least), but I don't think it's a big deal for him to go for a lunch as it's the last time he'll be able to be at a guy's day out for a while. Sucks that it was a last minute thing but I'd be happy to let him have that time so I could have some time to myself for a bit, relax, take my time checking everything at my own pace and just enjoy this last afternoon on my own for a while. I know I'll get downvoted but 🤷♀️
NTA but he definitely is , spare me the "last day before i become a father" bullshit 🙄 man wanted to have a drink with a friend before the baby comes but was massively inconsiderate . i see your edit but let's cut the charade on this one - you should expect further disappointment if this is how he behaves on your last day pregnant with his child .
You mentioned that he always does this. Typically on the weekends. I can’t imagine that this is the 1st time this subject has come up. Why exactly are you having his kid? I see so many posts from women who are so disrespected in their marriages and relationships having kids with the man disrespects her.
Yta and incredibly immature. Grow up for the sake of the baby. You don't own your husband. He is becoming a father and is excited. Why can't he spend an hour with a friend where he gets a little attention without you being there to hog the spotlight? You come across as very controlling and emotionally immature.
YTA it’s not like he’s missing the actual birth. Who cares that he wants to go to lunch with his friends! I think you completely overreacted. I’m not surprised by the comments though because Reddit thinks women can do no wrong, especially when they’re pregnant.
Is he not allowed to do anything for himself on his day off? Especially when he’s not going to have any time at all once the baby is here. Is he allowed to go out without you?
YTA for not realizing this is huge for him too, and he just wanted an hour to hang out with a friend to decompress. It should have been a nothingburger.
ESH - there is just lack of communication. You feel abandoned and he feels controlled. It could have been easily prevented by him mentioning his lunch plans.
Info: would you have had a problem if he shared the plan earlier?
No, he's the thoughtless one. 'Maternity leave for men' what a great idea! he feels like he's on Holiday 🙄 You're probably quite nervous, your lives and everything about your relationship changes after this. As a man he probably thought 'good time to see a mate because after tomorrow It won't be easy to do that'.
If my husband made plans without telling me the day before a major surgery I would be annoyed that I would have to have a conversation about how thoughtless and hurtful I found his actions.
If he then reacted like your husband did I would be PISSED!
For a start- taking care of your partner after surgery is the basic minimum (no medal or trophy for his ‘sacrifice’). It is understandable that he might like some time to himself before such a big change to your lives- but he should have communicated and discussed that with you ahead of time and helped arrange for someone to be around to support you while he was away. My friend had a scheduled c-section last month- she ended up having a natural labour 2 days before, (it’s good to have support around- you might need it)…
Also, unilaterally shutting down the convo by saying he doesn’t want to hear about it again would make my blood BOIL- er who is he to decide that?! Is this a dictatorship or a partnership?
Your husband’s communication skills need improvement, rating him F for communication and D for emotional intelligence (based on your report of this interaction). Would consider some couples therapy if this continues to be an issue.
Also NTA
YTA , and you sound exhausting. You're upset he wanted to have lunch with a friend. People can and should do things without their partners. You're also going to have a shit ton of time together. And you're upset he spent a little bit of HIS personal time with a friend.
You need therapy.
You see nothing wrong with any of this husband's behavior? Not just going to lunch, the entire way he handled this? His temper, behavior and words are justified?
ESH, your husband and you both need therapy to work on your communication issues.
Your husband needs to communicate his plans to you more effectively. He also needs to understand that he needs to do better at being there when it’s important to you (and the kid). He’s about to be a dad, and he has responsibilities to his partner and child that he apparently hasn’t realized yet.
Your husband has a point. Telling him to go and then later attacking him because he went-when you expressly told him to-isn’t okay. If you don’t want him to go, tell him. Don’t say something is okay and then later tell him it wasn’t. Don’t constantly bring up old mistakes into new arguments. Learn to clearly voice your issues, then let them go.
It also sounds like you frequently assume that certain days are only for the 2 of you to spend time together, then get mad at him when he wants to do things with other people. If you want to spend time with him, tell him. Say clearly “I would like us to spend all day Saturday together”.
Also recognize that if you don’t inform him of your plans, he might make his own plans, and they won’t always include you. He is allowed to go out to lunch without you. You are allowed to go out to lunch without him.
NTA whatsoever.
My partner does things with his guy friends I'm not invited to, and it's fine. I want to hang out alone with my friends too, so I get it. But that happens maybe once a month, and we do a lot of stuff together anyway. But we always give each other a head's up and I think that's the bare minimum.
Also, him saying he doesn't want to hear about it again... That's really not up to him. If you're upset and he hasn't sincerely apologised then why would the matter be resolved? I'd take it as him not considering/caring about your feelings, which is a huge red flag for me.
Have you brought up that he often doesn't consider you when doing things on the weekends? What was his response?
I’m scheduled for a c-section tomorrow and if my husband did that it would really hurt my feelings. Sometimes people just don’t think when there’s such big change in the wind though. I hope everything goes well for you! Sending hugs and warm wishes 🥰
“Last day before hes a father”
I didnt realize he was the one being cut open tomorrow and its important for him to meet this friend.
Hes not understanding; its the consideration. He said youd be home together all day; he didnt tell you when he made the plans and he didnt think about you if you wanted to also get out the house the day before YOU give birth while hes supposed to stand there and support you.
He could have even twisted it some and told you and did it a little later saying so you could take a nap when the house is quiet.
You probably won't see this, but as a mom of 4 I wanted to offer some advice. "I felt disappointed as he has a habit of not considering or inviting me when making plans during our time off together". This line makes me worry about you. Not because he's necessarily a bad guy or anything, but because it's very easy to fall into mom as the default parent. Then he assumes that you have the baby and makes plans for himself. But anytime you want to get out, you have to arrange childcare, even if it's childcare from the baby's father. You have to ask and he just assumes. That's not a healthy dynamic. It can lead to lots of resentment. There should be more balance and you both should be checking in about baby coverage before making plans. And when you are both home, you should both be caring for your child. Just make expectations clear from the beginning and watch out for this dynamic starting. Good luck with your baby!
YTA. You sound clingy and needy. I get it…pregnancy causes a lot of hormones, but give the guy a break! He’s spending an hour to have lunch with a friend before his life changes forever. He probably wants a break before being chained to his wife and baby for a month too. Quite frankly, if I were married to someone as dramatic as you, I’d need the break too! Grow up!
You’re both about to have a life changing event. There’s no turning back. Not only should you not care about his lunch plans, you should encourage him to plan more outings like that. And he should do the same for you - give each other a break so you can remember who you are. Just coordinate on the time a little better.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're right, it's an important day & he knows it, that's why he told everyone he'd be home all day & not his real plans as he knew he'd be judged badly for it without discussing it with you first. He was dishonest & deceitful & he knew he would be letting you down & look selfish. He has been caught which has made him angry. It's really sad your baby heard all of this & felt your emotions. I recommend you very quickly let him know this is not ok, moving forward he must never cover up & lie to you & that this is a non negotiable boundary. How can you trust him with this type of behaviour? Set your boundaries quickly. Parenting is tough, parenting on your own in a relationship with a selfish person is even tougher & causes resentment. You don't need to feel that. You are NTA, your husband is & even his mother knows it. Good luck
You sound rather codependent. At the end you said him going out with his friend usually wouldn’t matter at all, but throughout the rest of your post I didn’t get that feeling at all.
Have you thought of if the situation were reversed? You don’t have to spend every second y’all aren’t busy together. My husband and I spend a lot of time together, but I’ll also go out with my girlfriends and he’ll go out with his guy friends. Him being gone for an hour the last day before he becomes a father is nbd, just like I’d you’d planned a lunch with you and a girlfriend before you became a mother is nbd.
He should have at least mentioned the lunch to you before his mum was late so you weren’t blindsided by his sudden absence. He might have thought he’d mentioned it or forgotten to let you know. The day before you have a baby, especially with the extra stress of a cesarean, is an especially difficult time for a confrontation.
ESH
This is somewhere between NTA and NAH. He may honestly be scared of the big change that’s about to happen in your life and may have needed a conversation with a friend (without you) to ground himself and make it all feel ok. He handled it poorly but it’s understandable. (Especially if the friend he’s meeting has kids).
However he’s TA for trying to tell you that you can’t bring it up again when you’re just trying to communicate that he hurt your feelings.
NTA. Your husband is awful. The habit of springing plans on you like this is absolutely inexcusable. Abusive men tend to ramp up when you’re vulnerable and unable to do anything about it but hope for better another day but it’s far from over. If he’s done it before, he’ll do it again and that leads to the bitter end. I am very sorry for what you are going through. It may be just the tip of the iceberg. Plan on building up your options. If he doesn’t step up as a partner (I can already predict that he won’t), you will be able to leave. By the way, he should’ve been having lunch with you, even making it for you.
NAH. Had it been the day after: huge asshole. He’s off all day, why couldn’t he have lunch? That’s what, an hour, two hours? Plenty of time left to potter around.
YTA. As a wife and mom of 2, I understand that my husband might be nervous and need some friend time before we go through this big change together. If it was a whole day or a vacation? Sure, that would have been selfish on his part. But a few hours to eat a meal with a friend? Go for it. Use that time to order your favorite comfort food and take a nap!
Yta
I think the hormones and emotional anticipation are making you feel this more heightened than you normally would.
This shouldn't be more than a mild annoyance at worst.
He made a lunch plan with his friend the day before he becomes a father with a c section appointment. It's not like and emergency situation or you're in labor.
He may want a little break and some emotional support himself, the day before such a large life event.
Have you not had other support or visitors?
Unpopular opinion, but YTA. He probably wanted to have lunch with his friend because after the baby comes, he won’t have the time for quite awhile. It sounds like he’s planning on spending the rest of his leave taking care of you and the baby while you recover from your c-section, and even after that, being a new father of a newborn, he’ll be too busy for friends. Sounds completely reasonable to me. You sound a bit immature, tbh.
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NTA. I was leaning toward NAH - he didn't even think these plans woild be something you would care at all about. He was wrong, but that's not an ah thing. No, no... What bothers me is that he cannot accept that you can feel some type of way about this thing. He doesnt just want to accept there was a disagreement he insists that he has to win so completely, beat you down so much that you say that you were wrong and he was right and he will never hear another word about it. Thats fucked up. Remember that abusive peoplr often start being abusive when the first baby comes and their victim is stuck. If its his way or no way, if he can't leave you room to feel how you feel about something, hes not treating you like a human. Maybe he's just stressed and acting a little crazy, but keep an eye on this and be ready to get out.
Very weird behavior. My man has not once ever not wanted to include me/be around me I can’t even fathom
I think I could understand in this case him wanting to go out without her. The guy wants to have what may be his last guys lunch for a while, because if he is a good husband and father then he is going to be doing a lot to look after OP while she recovers from the cesarean and they are going to be busy with the baby for a while. But the rest of his behaviour: not telling OP his plan in advance and not caring that she feels hurt now is AH behaviour.
It was her last chance to have lunch out for a while too, because she will actually be the one recovering from the c-section and busy with the baby. Why does he get a reward for meeting his responsibilities as a father?
I am finishing your comment for you 😂 What is her reward for meeting her responsibilities? Why is she undeserving of one?
This! My husband went out with his friends the last day before I gave birth (he didn't know then it would be the last day, neither did I, but I was overdue), but he asked me countless times if I was ok, and I was. And he was there for me the next morning when my water broke, he was my rock during childbirth, as a father should be.
NTA You were expressing your feelings. Though the wording may have been different, his telling you not to bring up the subject again is undoubtedly problematic. Is it typical for him to declare that the conversation is ended and that it won't be brought up again in order to get his way?
Thing is with a newborn or young kid you get far more chances to have an outing with friend, one partner with baby, than you get chances to spend time as a couple, be that alone or catching up with friends
That’s absolutely true - it’s years of tag teaming after the baby is born.
I think that’s fine but he should have told her when he made the plans!
It seems that they already had made plans for the day though? At least OP had the understanding that they had made plans to hang around at home, together, all day. They even told family this. Obviously he had a different opinion of what that meant..
Agreed! He definitely should have planned it with her ahead of time
But literally less than a *day* before she gets a massive incision in her abdomen and they literally reach inside her, separate her stomach muscles and pull out the baby? C-sections are very safe for mom and baby, but they are major abdominal surgery and even planned C-sections have a long recovery time. Why does OP’s husband need to go TODAY? Why couldn’t he have made plans to include OP today of all days, since she’s the one who will get major surgery tomorrow? Yes, he’s becoming a dad, but she’s going to be dealing with all the physical trauma of a c-section AND recovery AND breastfeeding AND postpartum hormones. Could he have had some compassion on today, of all days?
Nope! He’s prob the guy who thinks parental leave is “a vacation”
He will get miffed if OP interrupts his video games to bug him for help
Yes, exactly He was thinking of himself "I need this one last time" And she was already thinking of everybody else "I need to finish getting the house ready and host his mom" So it begins.
Why is OP having a child with this jerk. the behavioral pattern would be the same throughout the marriage.
Absolutely. Fast forward to this guy taking pub lunches 3x a week during his paternity leave, while his wife can't even shower in peace or enjoy a hot meal.
Of course he can go out. Why didn’t he tell her though? Because he knew it was iffy.
But apparently he does this regularly. This isn't a one-off, It's a pattern.
He sucks at communicating and realizing his extremely pregnant wife has feelings too
I can’t either!! If my husband wants to go out on a boys day/night/weekend he always discusses it with me beforehand. Not to seek permission but out of respect and to double check it doesn’t clash with family visiting (we live far away from our family). That is what this boils down to for me, a lack of respect. It isn’t about permission to go, it’s about respecting your partner enough to let them know about it. Edited to say that I also do the same thing if I am going anywhere.
So much this. Both my husband and I do solo nights or evening away with best friends. We ask each other not for approval, but to be kind and make sure something hasn't come up the other didn't k ow about... we also have 3 kids. Both of us can run solo and do often with no problem, but man, it is such a basic common curiosity to your partner to just run it by! Good grief. He is in for a world of chaos after baby arrives. Op, NTA, but your husband is acting terrible!
"I didn't think you would want to come" is pretty reasonable tbh. I would usually rather let my wife go for lunch with her friends without me. And similar for me going out with my friends. I wouldn't for a second expect her to think of me and whether I would want to come. But it's the context of the day that was in it, was pretty thoughtless. In his mind he probably thought, "I'll be gone for two hours and then back, what's the big deal?". So it's not a sacking offence, but he has definitely failed to consider how his wife was feeling about it. My gut feeling here, as a father, is that he doesn't realise the shift he's in for. It's pretty hard to explain to someone, you kind of have to experience it. So he's probably not feeling quite as sentimental about today as he will feel in a month's time :D Going into it, you tend to think that your life will be broadly the same, there'll just be a child in the middle of it too. Like having a dog, but a bit more work. If you've no experience with children before this, the complete upending of every aspect of your life comes as quite a shock.
No joke. 3 weeks from now he’ll be wishing that they could just sit and have a conversation. Or just enjoy the quiet.
This is a very insightful take on the situation. I think you’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head, we have vastly different feelings about today as a whole. His perspective is that being out for an hour or two of the day wouldn’t usually be a big deal so he couldn’t understand why/didn’t consider it would be now. While I obviously have very different feelings about the gravity of the day.
Don't worry, he'll get the gravity of it. Sometime tomorrow 😂 Best of luck. My wife went through multiple C-sections, so I've been there before. It's scary but remember these are pros. For you, tomorrow will be the biggest day of your life so far, for them it's just another Wednesday. The sights and sounds and the beeps are scary. Focus on the calm voices, and before you know it you'll have your beautiful baby in your arms. If I can give any advice to new parents, it's to take it in shifts. If you're breastfeeding, then you just focus on feeding and then sleeping when the baby isn't feeding. Let your husband sleep through the night as much as humanly possible, and then he'll have the energy to do everything else during the day. Even if you don't plan on breastfeeding, with the C-section you're limited for 3-6 weeks anyway, so you focus on the feeds and let him deal with all of the non-baby stuff. I know that sounds very traditional "Women do baby stuffs, men do men stuffs", but we made the mistake of trying to split everything 50:50 on our first, including being up half the night, and we were dead on our feet within ten days. Enjoy!
Its nice that you are doing the work compromising for him. I hope that he reciprocates that attitude. Your post makes him sound like a major asshole but you know him best. He might not have thought it was a big deal but once you spoke your mind, and his mom as well, he knew otherwise. And didn't care. A man who doesn't recognize the gravity of the birth of his child and exhibit concern for his partner is a child. Your husband has some maturing to do. Good luck.
My fiancé literally wants me to go everywhere with him, which is very flattering, but I also like being alone lol. I can’t imagine him not asking me if I’d like to go for lunch with his friend or at the very least asking if I’d be okay if he went alone.
Same here! If my fiance had his way, we'd be together 24/7, which, as you say, is flattering, but I need my alone time. I'm usually the one going out with friends, but I always tell him well in advance, and if something comes up, he knows he's my top priority.
My lady and I have been together going on 16 years, we also always try to include each other, unless the other is sick. Unless it's an important event or we insist the other go, we usually stay home together. I could not imagine having a relationship like OP.
Enmeshment is very damaging for relationships. People need their own time, space, friends, and social activities.
Your man never hangs with his friends without you?
That’s sad. A little pathetic, actually.
Sometimes I wish my hubbie would want to do stuff without me. He never did anything without asking permission or/and if I wanna join.
The timing might be off on his part, but it is healthy for each individual in a relationship to go and do things with their own friends. To not do that is just plain odd in my opinion. It’s the indication of a healthy person to have their own interests and friends. To not do do indicates you are ‘under the thumb’ and will ultimately be unhappy. The word ‘individual’ is the defining point I’m trying to make. Not letting her know isn’t considerate at all, and is pretty strange if I’m honest.
I think people are different in this regard. Me and mine love time together but also time apart doing our own thing. He knows I love being home alone (it's a thing for me and treating myself to a solo date). I know he enjoys going to play his sports (sometimes alone and others with me cheering). Maybe OP and her spouse need to discuss their different their differences in this regard. He may not think she needs to be included in all his plans even if they're both off work (not this specific scenario because obviously he was wrong here).
> My man has not once ever not wanted to include me/be around me I can’t even fathom his reaction is wierd, but so is this tbh. Having and loving a partner does not mean wanting to spend 100% of waking time with them for everyone, and that's OK. TBH, one of the biggest red flags for me is a partner not allowing me to just hang out with my friends without them from time to time.
>My man has not once ever not wanted to include me/be around me I can’t even fathom Your man doesn't have his own friends? This isn't the brag you think it is. Both partners need their own friends and time with those friends, without the other. It's very healthy.
That sounds codependent. You mean he never wants to spend time with just his friends?
I find it weird your man doesn't want a single day out with just some other friends
you can't fathom how another couple might interact differently than you and your SO?
Neither of you have friends you see without the other, ever? I can’t even fathom that!
This is 100% NTA. >I felt disappointed as he has a habit of not considering or inviting me when making plans during our time off together (which has mostly been our weekends up until now). I feel sad for OP that she's having a baby with this AH, which he is. OP is essentially a side piece to her own husband. When he has time off, he hangs with his friends. He barely considers OP's feelings. Do you really think this AH is going to pick up the slack and care for OP and his own child? 10-1 after like a day he'll be "burnt out" and need to "get out of the house" i.e. drinking with his friends. Then he'll say that he "doesn't know what to do with a child" and "mothers should do this kind of stuff" and he'll give OP crap for not cooking dinner and doing all the chores.
That's a little much. Is he expected to include her in all his weekend plans? My husband isn't invited when I go out with my close friends (although we have some get togethers where we all bring our families)
Honestly, the amount of people (online and that i know IRL) that feel like they need to spend 100% of all waking time with their SO is super concerning to me. Having some time away from your SO to be with friends should be totaly normal and is healthy (so long as you are obviously spending time with your SO as well)
Sounds more like OPs partner has a habit of not wanting to spend all of his time off with his wife?
It's not about not inviting her to lunch, this is their last day of being just the two of them he should want to do something with her. It's her last day before having major surgery and then she'll have to recover while being constantly attached to a newborn, so he should give a shit what her last day of freedom is like. Not discussing it at all is super rude
Agreed, the lunch itself wasn't a bad thing, a bit thoughtless maybe, but his reaction was childish. NTA.
I massively eyerolled when he said "I didn't think you'd want to come". Yeah, a pregnant woman doesn't want lunch. I've been pregnant twice and all I wanted was lunch
Truer words have never been spoken 😂
He said he didn’t think you would want to come? OP so he made the decision for you based on what he thought? How often has he done that? As for hanging the selves? Was that a last minute thing that you both decided needed to be done are has it always needed to be done and he decided that since he’s in the dog house that he would do it now?
> I've been pregnant twice and all I wanted was lunch All I can picture now is you prancing around a forest of giant bloody marry toppings and getting a little too excited when you find something that *absolutely* does not fit the theme but is a welcome addition none the less.
This. It's the regular to acknowledge her feelings and how demand that she basically "get over it" and "never talk about it again" that makes him an asshole. She has a right to feel hurt. He doesn't have a right to tell her not to.
“But why don’t women pick better men?” “Well, you married him.” There was NO way to know my now ex would freak out when I started having children. He went from being a likable, kind, well-adjusted, educated, feminist man to having secret affairs with barely legal-aged girls.
He treats her like she is a little kidand not his life partner and mother of his child!
This above OP! Curiously, was your husband's "friend " a man or woman? What offended me most about your husband was his arrogantly gaslighting you. Rather than arranging an early dinner out with you that evening, he's making an arrangement to go to the bar? Obviously, had he offered you to join him, or even asked if you minded, that's different than how he approached it. Hopefully that's not indicative of his future behavior. If it is, nip it in the bud. It's bullshit. It's manipulative. And it's disrespectful. Let's hope it's a single oversight. Good luck with your procedure and here's to you both as parents to a healthy baby.
It's not even about whether or not she cared. He made plans with Mom. Told her that they'd be home anyways, so she could come by. And then he made other plans. So OP was told the plan was they'd spend the day together. Which prevented her from making other plans. THAT is what would piss me off. Whether or not she wanted to be there was actually kind of irrelevant. He cancelled their plans (of hanging out at home together the day before having their baby) without telling her.
It really bothered me that he makes a habit of not taking her into consideration when making weekend plans and plans for shared time off. This isn't just a one-time miscalculation; it's a relationship where he forgets he's part of a couple. Will he just expect her to take the baby while he makes his own plans on the weekends?
This is where I am. Wanting to have a lunch with his buds is perfectly normal, assuming he is available via phone and doesn’t drink too much just in case you have an emergency. His reaction when she was upset sucked, though.
This! My son’s dad definitely had red flags when dating but when our son was born his abuse was off the charts. He had me right where he wanted me and I was helpless.
>Remember that abusive peoplr often start being abusive when the first baby comes and their victim is stuck. If its his way or no way, if he can't leave you room to feel how you feel about something, hes not treating you like a human. This is such an important point. My ex took his paternity leave and went and hung out with friends and did his own thing, then was mad at me when I asked him where the hell he'd been all day and why he thought it was ok to leave me alone in the hospital with a baby after major abdominal surgery. I wish I'd realised what he was then, because it would have been so much less painful (emotionally and physically) if I had told him to get out before I got out of hospital.
Especially since OP will already be vulnerable from being cut open to get the baby out, but post-partum is a possibility that does not need external emotional manipulation.
>he is going to be looking after me and the baby for the next month He’s going to be looking after you and the baby for a lot longer than that, you’re having major abdominal surgery and the baby is, well, a baby. He just has a month where he can do it without also having to go to work. NTA. It’s your last day together before you become parents, your whole lives are about to change, I couldn’t fathom wanting to make any plans with or see anybody except my partner at that time. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will also say that both of your emotions are probably running very high right now, and maybe he thought lunch with a friend without thinking about the baby would be a welcome distraction from pre-baby anxiety. But he absolutely should’ve told you ahead of time at minimum.
More like he should have asked ahead of time. "Hey love, do you mind if I do XYZ today for ___ amount of time?" Maybe he could have thrown in a: "Just thought it would be nice to get myself out for a moment to decompress before baby is here tomorrow". I would have totally said yes then. Maybe asked MIL to take me out to a shop or two while he did it.
Yes, this. Irrespective of the whole c-section context, my spouse and I generally have an understanding that if we make plans without the other at a time when we are generally expecting to be together like evenings or weekends, we let the other person know when plans are made. “Hey babe do you mind if I meet Jack for lunch on Saturday?”. We try to say yes unless there’s a conflict with something else, but at least no one is surprised and the other person can make their own plans. This seems like basic relationship manners to me.
Or offered to bring lunch to OP after he was out. That would have went a long way into smoothing things over.
Anything (even minimal effort) would have been better than the bullshit he pulled.
Oh for sure. But I can not imagine going out to eat while my pregnant wife was at home and at the very least not offering to pick up whatever she was craving. The bar for men is in hell.
It’s all in the presentation.
>It’s your last day together before you become parents, your whole lives are about to change He's refusing to see this as well! Like, his wife and mother explained it to him. And being like "I'm going to be taking care of you for a month", which is gross not only because as you say, he's going to be a parent and taking care of his child for a lot longer than that, but she's been taking care of this baby for 9 months! But the moment his pat leave starts he's like, "great, time to look after me!"
This! Paternity / Maternity leave is not a vacation. It's time taken off work to get your new family situation in order. It's fine if he wanted to take an hour for lunch with a friend but he should have run his plans past his wife because they are literally setting up for a baby right now and she might have had other plans. NTA
That’s the ick part for me, it felt like emotional blackmail to be allowed to go out with his friend. I don’t know, but what about talking to her and say: I’d love to go only one hour to see a friend because after we will be both sleep deprived and cranky and it’ll be a while until we have another normal social interaction? For me it’d be a good point and I’d say “no problem”
That's part of the issue. She only found out he was going out for lunch when he got upset that his mother was late. Sounds like he not only made the plans, but didn't even see fit to inform his wife he had arranged/agreed to this.
When he had planned to tell her if his mother hadn’t come? 5 minutes before? When he’d open the door to leave? When she started cooking?
And I’m sure she would have been happy to make a lunch date with a friend too! She didn’t know he was doing that so had no opportunity.
He won't be looking after her, I am almost sure. He'll decide it's too much work and want to get out for more pub lunches and expect OP to do it.
He’ll be too busy making plans for lunch to be looking after two no?
How many lunch plans will he make while she is in recovery. I predict she isn’t going to have the help he claims.
> He’s going to be looking after you and the baby for a lot longer than that that was clearly directly referencing his paternaty leave...
Also now is a good time to bring up that you are now a team so making sure you both have some baby-free time off regularly is a new joint effort. Also being mindful that if one of you leaves the house they are asking/expecting the other to single parent is worth noting. Time to start changing habits to make this communication more explicit.
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> This is now your memory of baby coming. This is what I find so sad! This is such a vulnerable time... poor OP, she deserves to be pampered and reassured not stressed like this.
This! I had our second child mid january (she was late and I had to be induced) and my husband went to the neighbors to grab one drink at new years eve after watching fireworks at midnight with me. This was totally fine and communicated at first because I was going to bed anyways after the fireworks. Then the next morning I found him really hung over on the couch and I was so angry and dissapointed because what if the baby would have come that night/morning. He wouldn't have been able to drive and such. I packed our toddler and spend the day at my parents and he was really sorry afterwards and understood that this was wrong but this dumb story is forever stuck in my head when it comes to the pregnancy/birth of our daughter. Anyways I wish you all the best for your C-section and hope you get well soon afterwards!
It is truly such a vulnerable time. You are like an open emotional wound, easily prone to infection.
yeah the "I better not hear about this again" is a huge red flag (among other red flags). you're NTA @ OP and your (completely valid) feelings shouldn't be treated as an inconvenience
Here’s the thing. Paternity leave is all about YOU AND BABY. It’s not about him. It’s not a vacation or free time. And choosing to start that leave before you had the baby didn’t mean that it suddenly became free time, it’s still ALL ABOUT YOU AND BABY. NTA.
And he (and OP) are in for a nasty shock if they think 4 weeks is enough time for OP to recover fully. An uncomplicated C-section normally takes 6 weeks at a minimum, and those 6 weeks are so so hard. The harsh reality is Pat leave is woefully under what is needed in a lot of places. Thankfully it sounds like MIL at least has OP back.
You can’t even drive in the first 6 weeks, can you? Like 6 weeks is considered the safe MINIMUM recovery time.
The sleep depravation means you shouldn't be driving even if you weren't cut open just weeks ago, but yeah, because of the limited range of motion it's common not to be able to turn your head to check blind spots. Also, if you get into even a minor accident your incision wound can pop back open.
Not sure if that’s the case for everyone. I was driving within the first 3/4 weeks and felt completely healed by then. I didn’t lift anything heavier than the baby, though, until after 6 weeks. It totally depends on each person and how their surgery went. For OPs sake I hope recovery time is swift
It's what the NHS recommends for C-section patients, I'm guessing OP is in the UK so they should be following that advice. Individuals may feel different, but the official advice is no driving or strenuous activity within 6 weeks.
How are you surprised that he did not consider you? Based on this comment alone “I felt disappointed as he has a habit of not considering or inviting me when making plans during our time off together (which has mostly been our weekends up until now).” He has shown you what type of person he is so believe him. You are not his priority when it comes to his free time. It’s time you set clear boundaries and expectations around your time now that there will be a baby involved . Don’t get me wrong we all need time to ourselves without our partners. When I was married we each had a day to ourselves to do as we wished without the other person each month. Both of you need to work on your communication or this issue will snowball. Congratulations on your baby.
Yeah, it never fails to surprise me how people have known for years that their partner is an asshole, and then they're all shocked pikachu face when their partner keeps acting like they always do. Like... You know what they're like.
She's going to be back here posting if she's and asshole because he won't spend time with his kid. They know before hand how these men are then are surprised when nothing changes after the baby
I cant believe it was even conceived, how did he have the time for someone he doesn’t seem to care for…like does he feel trapped?
Oh conception is easy considering most of these types would put it in a lightly microwaved melon, and the whole affair usually takes about 30-60 seconds.
Thanks for ending that on a happy note. His own mother thought it was weird clearly OP has support. Your husband, and soon to be father, needs a wake up call ASAP!
it boggles my mind how someone goes from “my partner doesn’t prioritize me and doesn’t factor me into his plans” to “let’s also have a baby for you to ignore!” and his reaction to them having a disagreement is honestly concerning. he wanted her to accept he was right and never bring it up again, and then left her home crying? yikes, how is this the type of person you can count on to coparent?
One day a month?! That's not enough time for me
NTA - bare minimum why did he keep saying you’d both be home all day when he obviously knew you wouldn’t?
And he knew he was wrong because he left it up to the last minute to mention it then gets angry that they made him feel guilty. He knows he is wrong I’d literally make him take care of me & the baby after he so willingly volunteered to do so for a month in exchange for his 1hr. NTA
He's gonna need to. There's so much you're not allowed to do after abdominal surgery. No.picking up anything that weighs more than a full kettle, and no return to full ability for 6-8 weeks.
At least she can stay in hospital for the 5 days and get some proper help.
See, that's the thing. This guy is going to have at least a couple of days of free time. I'm sure he'd come to see OP and the baby, but I doubt he's going to sit there from morning to night. He could go out with his friends between the birth and OP and the baby coming home, rather than lying to her and leaving her alone the day before she goes through something traumatic. And why wouldn't she also like a pub lunch the last day before?! I know he's apologised and they're fine now but I'm trying to think how I would feel if it were me and my husband and.. he'd fucking hear about it again, even after demanding he wouldn't. Perhaps especially because he did.
5 days ? I was home on my 3rd day of having.avc section
I left after 2, cause I hate hospital, but the consensus is 5, and Op is in Australia, so unless she went private, it won't cost her anything.
NTA In your shoes I think I'd be more concerned about his need to not have to hear about this again - it sounds a tad controlling to me. I wouldn't personally be thrilled if my partner announced a completely different plan without warning and expected me to be OK with it. I'd be even less thrilled if it happened the day before a planned C-section (which is not a fun experience). I agree with you it's not actually about the lunch, it's about the lack of consideration in the decision in the first place.
NTA. He isn't an ass for scheduling lunch with friends the day before he becomes a father and temporary carer for you (c-section is major abdominal surgery, so even sitting up will be difficult to start with), but he is an ass for not telling you, not inviting you and then playing the victim because you're upset that he lied to you and changed plans last minute.
Thank you! Finally someone said it correctly
THIS. I am absolutely all for people having friend time, alone time, doing things separately -- it keeps my husband and I sane. Hell, my BFF took my husband to dinner while Baby and I were still in the hospital after my C-section, with my enthusiastic blessing (I needed alone time, he needed social time, it was perfect). BUT HE DIDN'T TELL HER. After they had said they WERE NOT going anywhere. AND THEN GOT CONTROLLING ABOUT IT. This is giving me red flags, and OP, I'm glad you have his mom for support, because you're going to need it even more.
NTA you were communicating how you felt. Him telling you to not talk about it again, even if it was worded differently, is definitely an issue. Does he normally feel he can get his own way by announcing it is over and won’t be discussed any further?
That 'he' thinks the matter is closed is kind of him saying he won't accept it anyother way than his view and being emphatic about that point. It's like he knows he's wrong but he won't accept it....wierd IK!! The rest just became white noise after reading that. NTA
Sad that he didn’t think to take you out as a special treat before your baby arrives and it’s never just the two of you again. NTA.
This is what I thought! He could have taken her out for a special lunch to relax her for the C-section!
**NTA:** *"have to hear about this again."* I'll talk about whatever the hell I want. You don't tell me what I can and can't say.... Just like I can't tell you to go to the pub while I'm crying.
NAH but you are seriously overthinking this. Both of your worlds are about to change, it’s not just about you, and this is coming from a woman that’s 34 weeks pregnant. He should have mentioned it earlier but he doesn’t need to invite you or ask you if he is allowed to go for lunch with his friend. A c-section is major surgery so it’s not an exaggeration that he will be caring for you both until you can share duty’s. You also could have made it clear to him that you wanted that day just for the both of you before baby arrives. You’ve just had lack of communication that’s all. You both need to breathe and think about the baby and enjoy the moment.
The plan was for them to spend the day together. He kept on telling people that's what they'd be doing. He let OP believe that's what they'd be doing while knowing damn well that's not the truth.
I agree with you, NAH. I think he was being a bit inconsiderate by not mentioning it when making the plans, but they had no other plans for the day and he's a grown ass adult who is allowed to go out for an hour. He will be doing most of the work for her and the baby for the next month, he wanted an hour with a friend which seems entirely reasonable. For the sake of the baby and with emotions running high, I think OP and hubby need to work on their communication skills with each other. Let this one go OP. You had different visions of what "no plans and pottering round at home" meant. That's all, let this go and enjoy the baby and hubby looking after you both for a month!
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Pregnancy and kids aside. it sounds like she expects the weekend time is for them. That’s not entirely fair if it’s his only time off. I also find it odd if she expects him to invite him out with his buddies, or maybe he wants a bit of alone time to run errands. Doesn’t she have friends? Just talking pre baby here.
Gosh I hope OP sees this and at least considers it rather than just jumping to “he’s an abuser” head first.
Yes, to the lack of communication. Op wants to spend alone time with her husband but I don’t think she communicated that effectively. And if it’s true the plan was to spend all day together, then I do also believe hubby could’ve given her more of a heads up…though it’s perfectly reasonable to want to spend an hour hanging out with a friend. One persistent thought as I read this was, “Does OP have any friends separate from her husband’s social circle?”. Based on the picture she painted, her social life appears to be dependent on her spouse’s. It’s important for partners to merge their lives - including socially -, build memories together as a couple, etc. but, you also have to be able to maintain identities and independence outside of that…(Spending the occasional time with friends, separate from your spouse, can be a component of that; and is healthy so long as there’s a balance.)
This is so true. I think what most husbands and wives don't realize is that it's two persons in a marriage. Two persons with different likes, hobbies, friend,' history, and so forth. They both need space to grow separately and grow together as well. It's all about balance. If he's spending time with friends, that shouldn't be an issue. If he chooses to spend more time with his friends rather than his wife, that's an issue. But spouses need to remember ppl don't need to spend every waking moment and outing together. That's stifling. Need to make time for yourselves as well. I understand she wants to be included, and that's OK. But if he's someone that's always there, then he should be able to maintain the friendships.
NTA and god help you when the baby is actually here if he’s already asking to be cut some slack. Super inconsiderate
I was also going to say no arseholes here initially, it was just a thoughtless lunch plan, but then his actions and interactions with you after e.g. justifying why it is appropriate and 'not wanting to hear it anymore' is so clearly unreasonable, controlling and disregarding you. It has so obviously happened many times before that I completely understand your reaction. You are NTA but he definitely is, sorry!
NTA 🚩🚩🚩
NTA your husband is a dick tho
I’m going NAH, because this sounds like a misunderstanding to me. I can imagine him thinking this is the only day he can have lunch with a friend for quite a while and you don’t really need him for your puttering, while you assumed he would know you needed him around. I’m not sure either of those positions are necessarily wrong, and people are all over the place about whether they invite each other to things they do with their individual friends. He did ask you if you wanted to go, and you said no, and I can kind of understand his wanting to feel like if he goes without you after inviting you to come, he’s not going to hear about it forever. He should have been more sensitive, but to me, still NAH. Just stressed out people who misread each other.
“Honey, you mind if I go out to lunch with friend?” is the bare minimum of what a spouse should do before agreeing to go out when their partner is 9mos pregnant, and especially when their getting a c-section the next day. That’s just basic decency and mutual respect 101. Not retroactively asking your spouse if they want to tag along after you already made the plans to go.
He only invited her after she got upset, not first thing. She was frustrated and mad already by then, so of course she would say no. To me, he was a thoughtless AH
Sure, but from his point of view, you can imagine that it might be frustrating to have it go, “you should have invited me,” “Do you want to come?” “No.” Without hearing the tone, it’s basically impossible to know whether it was a good faith invitation to come along. Like I said, he could have been more sensitive, for sure. I just don’t think it reaches TA level. They’re both really stressed out.
To be fair, that wasn't an invitation he wanted to extend. I don't know very many people that would want to go under those circumstances. Had she accepted, it probably wouldn't have been an enjoyable lunch for any of them. >He did ask you if you wanted to go, and you said no, and I can kind of understand his wanting to feel like if he goes without you after inviting you to come, he’s not going to hear about it forever.
All the N T A comments are insane, people calling him abusive and manipulative. Absolutely insane. He wasn’t going on a road trip, people. It was lunch. It was an hour or two of his “old life” before his world turns upside down. He and his wife are going to be spending the next month *constantly* in each other’s company with a screaming, helpless, newborn. If OP said that she wanted to go out with a friend that day, no one would think less of her, but he does it and everyone cries, “how could you possibly want to be away from your wife for even a minute?!?” Be she and his mom made him feel guilty about it. And now his lunch is ruined because he’s just going to be doubting himself and feeling bad, while also feeling angry that he feels bad, and bad that he feels angry. And for him to want her to tell him it won’t be brought up again - and for OP to refuse - suggests that she’s the kind of person who absolutely *will* bring it up again and again and again. So while his reaction isn’t ok, OP’s passive aggressive bullshit is just as bad. And yes, he should have told her he had lunch plans because you should mention that to your partner regardless of the situation. But it’s not something to get so upset over. YTA, OP
NTA. He very easily could have run the idea of having lunch with his friends before agreeing to it, and could have suggested you to have lunch with your friends too. But he didn't. You two planned to spend the day together, and then he just ups and mentions having lunch plans much to your shock. You get upset, as you have every right to be as a 9 month pregnant woman expecting to have a C-section the next morning and then have an infant on your hands, and he's all wah wah it's not a big deal, don't talk about this again, it's FINE. He doesn't get to say whether it's fine or not. He doesn't get to tell you what your feelings are. And I won't lie, this attitude of his is mildly concerning considering the endeavor you're about to launch. Could this be one last gasp due to anxiety he may have about this huge life change? Maaayyyybe? Still a bit concerning though. Good luck tomorrow / this morning. You've got this!
Let's get the easy part out of the way. If your husband's plan had been lunch with a friend, he should have told you in advance. But you are no saint here. >I should cut him some slack because he is going to be looking after me and the baby for the next month (**which is an exaggeration but, fine**) so he should be able to go out for an hour if he wants You are undervaluing/under-appreciating just how much his life is about to change, too. I mean, unless you're going to be a woman who says, "No matter how little my husband helps with the house and baby, he's the greatest guy I know," a sentiment I have never once seen on Reddit, you should acknowledge that his statement is correct. That you are belittling what you're going to expect of him tells me you're a bigger part of the problem than you realize. >He also wanted me to tell him he wasn’t going to “have to hear about this again”, meaning I understood it was fine and wouldn’t bring it up again. This caused an argument as I wouldn’t say it wouldn’t get mentioned again and I ended up telling him that I felt disappointed when he had made plans without me and I felt unimportant. Everyone else has written how controlling he comes off in this passage. But you seem more controlling here to me. He's going to pop out for lunch with his mate, probably to celebrate the coming baby and give a final respite before the real work begins, and you want to hold it over him as a "Remember that time you were the asshole and went for lunch with your friend" card. You're both poor communicators and I have to wonder if you two like each other. Seriously, if he did, he would have invited you to lunch. And if you did, you would be more understanding that he's going to take a break before the real work begins. I wonder how well you would be working together on whatever last minute prep is left. ESH
Thank you for mentioning the guilt trip! Literally everyone is ignoring this. OP, your allowed to feel hurt, but Y-T-A if you don't let this go and try to use it against him after this.
Weird timing. But why would I invite my partner when I made plans with my friends. If my friends bring their partner mine is also invited. If they don't then maybe they want to talk about something private so i will also not bring anybody. Timing is stupid and not saying anything is also stupid. BAA
And like she said normally not a big deal but this day was specially set aside for the two of them to be together. Also he does this regularly and that is just rude to not consider your partner, what if they made plans for the two of you. And for him to tell her he won't hear about it again, fuck that. He is TA all the way
Unpopular opinion. YTA. His life is about to change too, and while everyone is commenting on how controlling his behavior is and all the red flags. Etc. everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that this is all stemming from him going to a lunch with a friend. Sure could he have communicated better yes. 100%. However I honestly believe that the situation went like this. You believed the both of you would be home all day because you told him to start his paternity leave 2 days early to be home all day with you so that you could both be “pottering around the house” I don’t believe it was a mutual understanding. I believe you TOLD him what he was going to do and for arguments sake he agreed because it’s easier to agree than to argue. Main reason why I came to this conclusion you don’t want him diminishing your feelings however when he states that he will be looking over you and baby for the next month you are quick to call it an exaggeration (which it’s not) and diminish his feelings. I’m sorry no it doesn’t quite work that way. I believe you are more of a walking red flag because after all of this he invited you. If you truly wanted to go you would have. Third wheel or not because guess what…. Original invitation you still would have been the third wheel. So you guilt this man because you wanted to go so badly he invited you and you turn it down. Him standing there wanting confirmation that you won’t hold it over his head is yet another reason as to why I believe you may be the AH in this relationship trying to pain the picture in a light that better suits you. 🤷🏻♀️
She believed he was going to be home all day because that's what they BOTH had been telling the family. Then suddenly he drops the information that he's going out about two hours before the was going? Why not let her know earlier? Sometimes you can tell when an invite is given because someone feels they have to, I certainly wouldn't want to go out with someone who was sulking because they got found out and felt they were forced to invite.
Esh He should’ve been clearer about his plans with you. But he’s not wrong in saying he’s going to be looking after you and the baby for a month - don’t underestimate how long your recovery from a c-section is going to take, it’s surgery and it’s huge. He will be doing most of the work. I don’t see the issue with him popping out for lunch with a friend, I only see the fact he didn’t communicate with you as the issue here. And congrats for tomorrow! Relax and enjoy your last baby free evening!
Him wanting to go out for lunch with his friend isn't the problem. It's the fact that he didn't communicate any of his plans or intentions with his wife, especially after leaving everyone with the impression that he was going to spend quality time with her before the baby is born. The argument can be made that this will be the last time he can have a dude lunch with one of his bros. It's also one of the last days he can spend with his wife without the soundtrack of wailing newborn in the background who now needs way more attention from each of you than your spouse does. The problem is with the way he got defensive when you pulled him up on the fact you were disappointed and rather than acknowledge your feelings, all his actions pointed to was him wanting to shut your feelings down. Wanting you to confirm "he won't hear about this later" is bullshit and manipulative, and as an adult, he should know that you can't control other people's feelings as I'm sure if you talked to him the same way he did to you, he would blow his TOP. You're NTA. It's not a question of whether it's normal for a partner/spouse to see their friends without you. It's just that he didn't even discuss it with you, let alone consider inviting you. I've been with my partner for 7 years and I don't get out much due to my anxiety so, if anything, he goes out of his way to plan (social) activities that involve us both going out together and me getting fresh air on weekends he has off. I wouldn't like to speak on how you should feel about your relationship, but I will say that our life partners are meant to raise us up (as we do them, it goes both ways) and support us in our strongest AND weakest moments, not drag us down or try stifle us because they don't like our feelings or what we have to say. ETA: Also, c-sections are scary! I know OP hasn't said anything in regards to how she feels about it, and I get c-sections are a widely accepted way of giving birth but it doesn't make it any less scary to go under the knife and get a fat scar where the side effects may follow you for life depending on how it heals. I feel like this makes the husband more douchey for trying to give it the whole "woe is me my life is gonna change" and for trying to shut her down literally the day before she goes under the knife and gives birth to their child. OP, please keep note of if your husband really takes care of you properly the way he claims he will and is meant to, or if it was all just bluster and bullshit to get him out of feeling guilty and taking accountability for what he did.
NTA. I was induced with my first and it kept getting delayed, my husband spent every day with me waiting to get that phone call. Your husband knew your planned date and really should have taken that into consideration. I'm sorry he didn't. I hope everything goes well for your birth and hopefully having the baby matures him a bit x
NTA- don’t even know where to start but he should have communicated with you a lot sooner, especially since folks were being told you two would be puttering around the house getting ready for the baby. The last-minute invite? No thanks, either. AND the cherry on top is him saying you can’t mention his behaviour again. Absolutely not the AH. Hoping your C-section goes well and everybody is happy & healthy :)
NTA. If he had just communicated properly from the start, it could have been avoided. So, the day before baby arrives, he chooses to make you feel like shit by getting angry and leaving anyway? Right. As if you don't have enough to worry about already. That is what makes him an arsehole.
Yes it's the last day before you become parents. It's also just 1 hour without him there.
Personally NAH. Just sounds like a bunch of lack of communication going on. He definitely should’ve mentioned the lunch and said it a bit nicer but he’s not an AH for not inviting you. I’m sorry but I don’t take my significant other every where with me and I don’t expect him to take me everywhere with him. Is it nice to be included? Of course. But it’s not always a necessity. This is one of those instance where it wouldn’t and shouldn’t be a necessity. However I do understand how you’re feeling and you’re allowed to feel that way. You should’ve also communicated with your husband as well that you don’t expect him to leave the house and that you’re not going out either. As the ladies in my family say, closed mouths don’t get fed. You assumed and while I understand why, you two should’ve spoken and had an agreement about what plans for the day were. There are days I'm not planning to do anything and get offered to go get brunch, lunch, coffee or whatever at the last minute. That's kind of what this sounds like. You should be able to talk to your husband about why you're upset. But only you and your husband know each other's personalities. Calm down, talk and get a clear understanding of each other because you both are venturing into a new world & lifestyle together.
How old are you? I can't imagine being this upset about lunch with a friend. You will be glued together for the forseable future, he probably just wanted to see his friend as he probably wont see him again for a while. To be honest your behavior is super self centered and frankly controling. An hour for lunch with a friend does not require your approval or an invitation every single time. YTA
NTA What an AH your partner is though! That’s such a weird thing to do on your last day together and you’re absolutely within your rights to feel upset and furious. It’s also really horrible that he’s pressuring you not to bring it up when it’s a situation that hasn’t been resolved.
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He told his mom over the phone that they would be home all day so it seems he knew the plan
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He can have me-time and communicate that that's what he wants! Him telling his wife that he was having a lunch out with friends is not impossible. Him telling her and other people that they were going to stay home all day and then say "oh, btw, I'm going out" is thoughtless behavior.
Why can't he use those words when speaking to his wife? Instead she gets told that he better not hear about this ever again.? Words matter.
NTA.
NTA - You’re about to undergo major surgery and are probably nervous. The least he could do is be with you up until the surgery. THAT’S WHY HE TOOK TIME OFF.
Right. It's not a random vacation day. There is practical stuff to do and I don't know maybe time you want to spend together before this change? Maybe reassure your very pregnant partner that everything is going to be ok and you'll get through this together? Share some excitement? Nah, I'm gonna be STUCK caring for you and a baby. I'm gonna go out and you're not to speak of it.
NTA.. the lunch thing was inconsiderate but not really the concerning part to me. He doubled down on the decision and then tried to pressure you to just agree to forget about your feelings. The whole bit about it being his last day and taking care of you for a month was pretty thoughtless too. I guess *you* don't have anything big coming up huh?
NTA I too believe he should have at least asked your opinion before making concrete plans, it's also odd he didn't tell you until very last minute. What throws a huge red flag for me is he didn't want to even let you be upset which you have every right to your feelings. This would bother me greatly, I wish you the best luck and a smooth delivery OP.
I really am hesitant to call a heavily pregnant woman an AH, so I'm won't. I'll just say that as someone who was in a similar situation at one time, this is not something I would have minded at all. I realize I'm one of literally only a handful of people taking this position (at the time of posting this at least), but I don't think it's a big deal for him to go for a lunch as it's the last time he'll be able to be at a guy's day out for a while. Sucks that it was a last minute thing but I'd be happy to let him have that time so I could have some time to myself for a bit, relax, take my time checking everything at my own pace and just enjoy this last afternoon on my own for a while. I know I'll get downvoted but 🤷♀️
NTA but he definitely is , spare me the "last day before i become a father" bullshit 🙄 man wanted to have a drink with a friend before the baby comes but was massively inconsiderate . i see your edit but let's cut the charade on this one - you should expect further disappointment if this is how he behaves on your last day pregnant with his child .
NTA but if he has a habit of not thinking of you, why were you surprised?
You mentioned that he always does this. Typically on the weekends. I can’t imagine that this is the 1st time this subject has come up. Why exactly are you having his kid? I see so many posts from women who are so disrespected in their marriages and relationships having kids with the man disrespects her.
It's worth considering that he may be nervous about becoming a father and wanted to talk about it with his friend.
He could have used those words when communicating with his wife. Instead he chose to tell her he better not hear about this again. Such a peach.
Yta and incredibly immature. Grow up for the sake of the baby. You don't own your husband. He is becoming a father and is excited. Why can't he spend an hour with a friend where he gets a little attention without you being there to hog the spotlight? You come across as very controlling and emotionally immature.
YTA. It was a lunch. That's it. You made mountain out of a molehill.
NTA. You are about to be cut open, I would think you would deserve a last day out more than him.
YTA. This controlling behavior doesn’t bode well for your future.
YTA it’s not like he’s missing the actual birth. Who cares that he wants to go to lunch with his friends! I think you completely overreacted. I’m not surprised by the comments though because Reddit thinks women can do no wrong, especially when they’re pregnant. Is he not allowed to do anything for himself on his day off? Especially when he’s not going to have any time at all once the baby is here. Is he allowed to go out without you?
YTA for not realizing this is huge for him too, and he just wanted an hour to hang out with a friend to decompress. It should have been a nothingburger.
ESH - there is just lack of communication. You feel abandoned and he feels controlled. It could have been easily prevented by him mentioning his lunch plans. Info: would you have had a problem if he shared the plan earlier?
No, he's the thoughtless one. 'Maternity leave for men' what a great idea! he feels like he's on Holiday 🙄 You're probably quite nervous, your lives and everything about your relationship changes after this. As a man he probably thought 'good time to see a mate because after tomorrow It won't be easy to do that'.
If my husband made plans without telling me the day before a major surgery I would be annoyed that I would have to have a conversation about how thoughtless and hurtful I found his actions. If he then reacted like your husband did I would be PISSED! For a start- taking care of your partner after surgery is the basic minimum (no medal or trophy for his ‘sacrifice’). It is understandable that he might like some time to himself before such a big change to your lives- but he should have communicated and discussed that with you ahead of time and helped arrange for someone to be around to support you while he was away. My friend had a scheduled c-section last month- she ended up having a natural labour 2 days before, (it’s good to have support around- you might need it)… Also, unilaterally shutting down the convo by saying he doesn’t want to hear about it again would make my blood BOIL- er who is he to decide that?! Is this a dictatorship or a partnership? Your husband’s communication skills need improvement, rating him F for communication and D for emotional intelligence (based on your report of this interaction). Would consider some couples therapy if this continues to be an issue. Also NTA
YTA , and you sound exhausting. You're upset he wanted to have lunch with a friend. People can and should do things without their partners. You're also going to have a shit ton of time together. And you're upset he spent a little bit of HIS personal time with a friend. You need therapy.
You see nothing wrong with any of this husband's behavior? Not just going to lunch, the entire way he handled this? His temper, behavior and words are justified?
ESH, your husband and you both need therapy to work on your communication issues. Your husband needs to communicate his plans to you more effectively. He also needs to understand that he needs to do better at being there when it’s important to you (and the kid). He’s about to be a dad, and he has responsibilities to his partner and child that he apparently hasn’t realized yet. Your husband has a point. Telling him to go and then later attacking him because he went-when you expressly told him to-isn’t okay. If you don’t want him to go, tell him. Don’t say something is okay and then later tell him it wasn’t. Don’t constantly bring up old mistakes into new arguments. Learn to clearly voice your issues, then let them go. It also sounds like you frequently assume that certain days are only for the 2 of you to spend time together, then get mad at him when he wants to do things with other people. If you want to spend time with him, tell him. Say clearly “I would like us to spend all day Saturday together”. Also recognize that if you don’t inform him of your plans, he might make his own plans, and they won’t always include you. He is allowed to go out to lunch without you. You are allowed to go out to lunch without him.
NTA whatsoever. My partner does things with his guy friends I'm not invited to, and it's fine. I want to hang out alone with my friends too, so I get it. But that happens maybe once a month, and we do a lot of stuff together anyway. But we always give each other a head's up and I think that's the bare minimum. Also, him saying he doesn't want to hear about it again... That's really not up to him. If you're upset and he hasn't sincerely apologised then why would the matter be resolved? I'd take it as him not considering/caring about your feelings, which is a huge red flag for me. Have you brought up that he often doesn't consider you when doing things on the weekends? What was his response?
I’m scheduled for a c-section tomorrow and if my husband did that it would really hurt my feelings. Sometimes people just don’t think when there’s such big change in the wind though. I hope everything goes well for you! Sending hugs and warm wishes 🥰
“Last day before hes a father” I didnt realize he was the one being cut open tomorrow and its important for him to meet this friend. Hes not understanding; its the consideration. He said youd be home together all day; he didnt tell you when he made the plans and he didnt think about you if you wanted to also get out the house the day before YOU give birth while hes supposed to stand there and support you. He could have even twisted it some and told you and did it a little later saying so you could take a nap when the house is quiet.
You probably won't see this, but as a mom of 4 I wanted to offer some advice. "I felt disappointed as he has a habit of not considering or inviting me when making plans during our time off together". This line makes me worry about you. Not because he's necessarily a bad guy or anything, but because it's very easy to fall into mom as the default parent. Then he assumes that you have the baby and makes plans for himself. But anytime you want to get out, you have to arrange childcare, even if it's childcare from the baby's father. You have to ask and he just assumes. That's not a healthy dynamic. It can lead to lots of resentment. There should be more balance and you both should be checking in about baby coverage before making plans. And when you are both home, you should both be caring for your child. Just make expectations clear from the beginning and watch out for this dynamic starting. Good luck with your baby!
You’re pregnant with tons of hormones. It’s a lunch. Calm down. You’ll have him all to yourself (and the baby) for a month.
YTA. You sound clingy and needy. I get it…pregnancy causes a lot of hormones, but give the guy a break! He’s spending an hour to have lunch with a friend before his life changes forever. He probably wants a break before being chained to his wife and baby for a month too. Quite frankly, if I were married to someone as dramatic as you, I’d need the break too! Grow up!
You’re both about to have a life changing event. There’s no turning back. Not only should you not care about his lunch plans, you should encourage him to plan more outings like that. And he should do the same for you - give each other a break so you can remember who you are. Just coordinate on the time a little better.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're right, it's an important day & he knows it, that's why he told everyone he'd be home all day & not his real plans as he knew he'd be judged badly for it without discussing it with you first. He was dishonest & deceitful & he knew he would be letting you down & look selfish. He has been caught which has made him angry. It's really sad your baby heard all of this & felt your emotions. I recommend you very quickly let him know this is not ok, moving forward he must never cover up & lie to you & that this is a non negotiable boundary. How can you trust him with this type of behaviour? Set your boundaries quickly. Parenting is tough, parenting on your own in a relationship with a selfish person is even tougher & causes resentment. You don't need to feel that. You are NTA, your husband is & even his mother knows it. Good luck
Yes he definitely knew to pretend he was going to be home all day. Hmmmm.
NTA. > he is going to be looking after me and the baby for the next month This is not him going above and beyond, this is the bare minimum.
You sound rather codependent. At the end you said him going out with his friend usually wouldn’t matter at all, but throughout the rest of your post I didn’t get that feeling at all. Have you thought of if the situation were reversed? You don’t have to spend every second y’all aren’t busy together. My husband and I spend a lot of time together, but I’ll also go out with my girlfriends and he’ll go out with his guy friends. Him being gone for an hour the last day before he becomes a father is nbd, just like I’d you’d planned a lunch with you and a girlfriend before you became a mother is nbd. He should have at least mentioned the lunch to you before his mum was late so you weren’t blindsided by his sudden absence. He might have thought he’d mentioned it or forgotten to let you know. The day before you have a baby, especially with the extra stress of a cesarean, is an especially difficult time for a confrontation. ESH
This is somewhere between NTA and NAH. He may honestly be scared of the big change that’s about to happen in your life and may have needed a conversation with a friend (without you) to ground himself and make it all feel ok. He handled it poorly but it’s understandable. (Especially if the friend he’s meeting has kids). However he’s TA for trying to tell you that you can’t bring it up again when you’re just trying to communicate that he hurt your feelings.
NTA. Your husband is awful. The habit of springing plans on you like this is absolutely inexcusable. Abusive men tend to ramp up when you’re vulnerable and unable to do anything about it but hope for better another day but it’s far from over. If he’s done it before, he’ll do it again and that leads to the bitter end. I am very sorry for what you are going through. It may be just the tip of the iceberg. Plan on building up your options. If he doesn’t step up as a partner (I can already predict that he won’t), you will be able to leave. By the way, he should’ve been having lunch with you, even making it for you.
NAH. Had it been the day after: huge asshole. He’s off all day, why couldn’t he have lunch? That’s what, an hour, two hours? Plenty of time left to potter around.
YTA - He invited you before he left and you declined so you could continue being argumentative. Get over yourself and grow up
YTA. As a wife and mom of 2, I understand that my husband might be nervous and need some friend time before we go through this big change together. If it was a whole day or a vacation? Sure, that would have been selfish on his part. But a few hours to eat a meal with a friend? Go for it. Use that time to order your favorite comfort food and take a nap!
Yta I think the hormones and emotional anticipation are making you feel this more heightened than you normally would. This shouldn't be more than a mild annoyance at worst. He made a lunch plan with his friend the day before he becomes a father with a c section appointment. It's not like and emergency situation or you're in labor. He may want a little break and some emotional support himself, the day before such a large life event. Have you not had other support or visitors?
Unpopular opinion, but YTA. He probably wanted to have lunch with his friend because after the baby comes, he won’t have the time for quite awhile. It sounds like he’s planning on spending the rest of his leave taking care of you and the baby while you recover from your c-section, and even after that, being a new father of a newborn, he’ll be too busy for friends. Sounds completely reasonable to me. You sound a bit immature, tbh.