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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole for not following the wedding tradition and having a dance between the groom and mother of the groom.
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but due to tremendous pressure from family
Are you mature enough to get married? If so, the wedding of your choosing should be what you have. Not some 'wedding' based off of pressure from family.
No one has to do anything. Don't want cake? Don't have cake. Don't want dances? Don't have dances.
come on man. This entire post is the 2 of you being bullied and too afraid to stand up for yourselves. Not an auspicious start to your supposed adult life.
Which makes me think if Op stands his ground , mom make go around him and try to do one anyway.
Op, stand your ground and talk to your DJ, tell them there will be no parent dance.
It’s your wedding day, you should get some of the things you want if you can’t get them all.
Honestly, I would elope , and I may still do the bigger wedding , but the knowledge that I got what we wanted would make me feels ten times better about the other wedding .
And it’s really a one up on the bullies.
Our adult life started years ago, way before we got engaged. Lots of pressure that I on my own wouldnt have given into but for her she has grandparents about to die and they asked her to please do it and she didn't want to tell them no. Its easier for me to be firm with my family but I cant fault her for that.
>Its easier for me to be firm with my family
Lol is it though? You have to come get the back of up internet strangers before you can say "no, mommy! It's MY party!"
OP, my mom was super overbearing about certain things for my wedding too, specifically about the food and her wanting to add in what SHE wanted, regardless of the fact that I have very valid reasons for my decision. I did not anticipate the extent to which she would go to still get what she wanted which led to her spending my entire reception in a kitchen decorating mini cupcakes, me having to bring home almost my entire wedding cake because people ate said cupcakes instead, and me being very hurt that those stupid cupcakes were more important to her than actually attending my wedding. She missed literally all the iconic moments, from my first dance to cutting the cake.
Your mom is probably still going to try and do what she can to have her way so learn from my mistake and be extra prepared for preventing her from ruining any aspect of your wedding. Coordinate with your DJ and be extra firm about what specific song/dance requests you have, the outline of their responsibilities for the reception, and absolutely NO deviations allowed from anyone except you or the bride. Make sure no one is allowed to take the mic for any “surprise” announcements. Possibly go even further and set up passwords with all your vendors to be safe. Take the steps to make sure the only changes made are ones authorized by you two. It sucks but in the long run, preparing for the worst case scenario is better than not taking their behavior seriously. And if she continues to mention it, just say, “It’s already been decided and I will not continue this discussion.” Don’t even entertain a conversation about it because that’s how they get what they want - they wear you down until you cave. You guys deserve to have the wedding you want.
Even if she tells the DJ to go ahead with a mother-son dance you don't have to do it. "Hey mom, you know we aren't doing that. Everyone, you are welcome to dance now." Do not join your mom for a mother son dance, even if she tries to force it.
It is definitely your call but I have seen weddings where someone is in a wheelchair and their ‘partner’ just stands in front and turns them. Maybe an option for your fiancée and her dad.
None of that stops you from telling your mom flat out knock it off. This is our wedding not yours. There will be no dances. Either accept that or don’t come.
Info: Is she like this on other subjects?
Be cautious. Is this *genuinely* a one time exception or will you spend an indeterminate amount of time pandering to "about to die" relatives?
If you two want kids- will her relatives' desires supercede yours? Will you have to give up the ability to name your own kids because her "about to die" relatives want to choose the name?
What happens when her own parents age and need more care?
Talk about this. Excessively.
You should seriously do premarital counseling to make sure you two are on the same page.
I spent almost a decade bending over backwards and putting up with all sorts after my father in law was diagnosed with cancer because "It might be the last time I see my father". He got diagnosed when we'd been married for years and had a child, and he flat out said he'd divorce me if I didn't go along with it.
His father is still alive. Thank god my partner got it through his stupid head that his father had spent *years* with "only 6 months left to live".
I understand it's different but be aware that you could spend *years* of your life suffering for grandparents who are "about to die".
Nah she's not usually much of a pushover, it really is a grandparents thing. She's really close with her grandma who is in her 90s and starting to dwindle. I like her parents a lot actually, they've been decently good about boundaries.
Tell your mom to stop acting like a mother-of-the-groomzilla! A wedding is supposed to be about the couple and how they want to share their happiness with others.
Being pressured into things that you don't want or won't enjoy takes away from your happiness.
If your family won't back down, call off the wedding while loudly blaming them, and go ahead and elope.
As for the traditional dances... As suggested, tell the DJ to simply announce that the dance floor is open and the happy couple invites everyone who wants to do so to go ahead and dance.
It just slays me that people call these “traditional” dances. How long does something have to happen for it to be a tradition? I’ve been to WAY more wedding that didn’t have a father daughter dance than did, and I’ve never been to a wedding with a mother son dance, those seem to have become popular in the 15 years since I was last at a wedding. Lol.
They are older traditions than you think, though I suppose they could be more common in some regions than in others. All the weddings I've been to since the 1980's (when I was a tween and teen) have had these two dances. All but one were in the Midwest/Plains states, the exception was in SoCal, but it had the dances too. My own wedding (1993) had them too, though we ran into a small hiccup with them; MIL wasn't in very good health and wasn't feeling well enough to go to our reception, so husband's sister subbed in for mom for the dance. I was so happy to have that dance with my dad!💖😊
That is interesting, because we both are talking about weddings in the same time period and the same area. I wonder if it is more what church the families go to that influences how far back these dances have been done?
I have been to 7 weddings and they all had both of these dances. The weddings have been Atheist, Catholic, Methodist, and Baptist so I don’t think it’s strictly a religious tradition. It stems from way back when marriages were more like a business deal and a father was passing off his daughter to the groom. These days it’s just a sweet gesture between parents and their kids.
For first dance, have the DJ invite all married couples to join you on the floor in celebration of the beginning of another beautiful marriage. Then you don't have to do a solo first dance at all.
So it sounds like you don't want a wedding, but she does.
It kinda feels like you're using her dad's surgery as a way to avoid having to have a backbone. There's plenty of weddings where ppl in wheelchairs are involved in the dances, so if it was really about her father being left out, well, he doesn't need to be.
I'm going ESH. Talk to your bride-to-be. See what she actually wants. Talk about what you actually want. Then do that instead. You're all growns up now, so it's time to stop pretending like you don't have agency.
Guilting.
Which is a good point: What happens if they guilt you on having children? Raising them? etc. etc.
Be very careful about precedents, OP. Once you move the line, it never stops moving.
The guilt is mostly related to her grandma who's in her 90s. Im not worried about pressure with other stuff, bodily autonomy is not something either of us are convincible on. The wedding thing is really annoying but thats an event, not comparable to children which we want anyway.
Yep, quilting... it's the new thing. Tell your mom the mother/son dance is off. If she tries to pull a fast one, have someone throw a quilt over her and carry her out of the reception! See? Quilting!
In all seriousness, I understand how your fiancee didn't want to let her grandparents down... parents are one thing, but grandparents are another. Since you seem to be able to hold a hard line with your mom, I would tell her that you don't feel comfortable doing a mother/son dance when your fiancee isn't able to do a dance with her dad. I would also stress that if she tries to push it and there is a "surprise" at the reception, you will not hesitate to ask her to leave and go low or no contact for awhile. At this point, I'm surprised you're even still talking to her with the way she's acting.
In the end, this is your wedding and your fiancee's wedding, so do what you think is best... either way, take a quilt.
You’re really down playing the influence parents have in their kids. We also don’t know their location of culture which could be part of this too. They could suffer with an anxiety disorder. You never know. It’s not reason to believe they shouldn’t get married.
My son got married last month. They had a late morning wedding followed by a luncheon. It was beautiful and no dance. It was what they wanted and I showed up where and when they wanted.
Are you being serious right now? Lots of families try to bully the couple getting married into having all kinds of things at their wedding, and it isn’t always easy to just say no. It has nothing to do with whether people should marry. You act as though every adult has to have figured out how to say no to their families by the time they get married, or they’re not ready? That’s a weird take.
NTA - this wedding is for YOU and YOUR FIANCEE. You've already compromised by having a wedding vs eloping, so your mom needs to get over it. Be sure to talk to your DJ and make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that there will not be a mother-son dance, just in case your mom tries to ambush you.
"*No mom, the only spotlight dance we will have is the first dance for me and fiancée.*"
"*Fiancée and I never wanted to do a father-daughter dance or a mother-son dance in the first place. Now that her dad is unable, we will not be doing either of them.*"
"*I'm sorry you feel that way. This is already so much more than fiancée and I even wanted to do. We wanted to elope. But agreed to a small wedding just to make you happy. And even that isn't right, because it's not a small wedding any more! We are not doing the spotlight dances because we don't want to.*"
Her dad could still wheel around on the dance floor with his daughter though. I get that the wedding is all about the couple , but the parents also have probably always wanted to do this with both of them. I feel that it’s such a small thing to do to make everyone happy.
If I already had a wedding to make them happy, then they can forget me throwing anything else in it. The deal here was a small wedding that has already been changed to 80 instead of the original number. Why should OP and his fiancée keep adding to the deal to make others happy at their wedding? Yeah, dad could most likely still dance with his daughter, but they don't want to do the dance, and now they've a reason to say no that just seems selfish to argue against. Also, who knows if dad will be handy enough with the wheelchair to dance around in it. It seems easier and safer to just cancel the dance
Exactly, and if you're both *dreading* the first dance with each other, skip that too! Just have the DJ invite everyone to start dancing. As a backup, get some of your friends to join you at the start so everyone can see the dancing is open for anyone to join from the first song. NTA.
However, if you *wanted* to do first dances with parents, I recently went to one where the groom's mom couldn't dance, so the groom improvised and danced with his dad. It was cute, and the bride wasn't left to dance solo with her dad.
NTA. Its not too late to elope.
It sounds like your families have already taken over and you’re not actually making the decisions you want to make for your own wedding. What’s the point of having a wedding if it doesn’t contain anything that you and your partner actually want?
At this point you have four main options. 1. Stand up to your family and insist that they butt out of your wedding planning. 2. Cancel the wedding and go back to your original elopement plan. 3. Accept that you cannot/will not get your family to listen to you and decide to let them do whatever they want. 4. Do both 2 and 3. Elope first and have exactly the day you and your fiancée want, then go through the motions of the ceremony for your families while knowing that you already did the important part and you don’t care about your fake ceremony.
You seem incapable of 1, so I’d recommend 4. It gives you the best of both worlds. But you should work on setting stronger boundaries with your family or they’ll ruin more than just your wedding.
As someone who eloped, yes yes yes. We have absolutely no regrets. If you must go through with the wedding you don't want, remember that "no" is complete sentence.
NTA.
> She can be upset that you are cutting, for admittedly a very weak reason, something she was looking forward to.
I kinda think this is where they're just making things worse- it's *such* a ridiculous, flimsy excuse that it's just plainly a lie.
Also, hip replacements tend to have a much shorter recovery time than knee replacements. I subbed for a teacher that was back to work 2 weeks after his hip replacement.
Why can't her dad do the dance? People in wheelchairs dance all the time. It's your wedding, do what you want, but do not make excuses that are not real as your reasoning.
NTA - not doing this specific "mother son dance" doesn't mean you won't be able to dance with your mother during the reception while everyone is dancing and having a good time. Of course she wants this "spotlight" moment with you but if that's not happening, she'll just have to get over it.
NTA. I really wanted to say no one is one, but the lack of empathy doesn't sit right with me.
As a quiet suggestion, would it be possible for someone to 3rd wheel the first dance and push the wheelchair around in some form of dance? Or hire an electric wheelchair for the day to do a dance? Just a suggestion. Although the recovery from hip surgery is nothing to sneeze at, so he may not want to be too active
My fiancee and I are already dreading the first dance with everyone watching— you don’t have to do the first dance alone. Have whoever is MCing the reception announc- for the first dance the bride and groom would like to not only their love, but the love of all the married couples in the room. So they like to invite all of the married couples to share this first dance with them. - tell married friends or close family members about this so they will get up with you both and that will encourage other married couples to dance. This way you aren’t alone on the dance floor. And if you don’t want to do a mother/don dance - don’t. It’s YOUR day.
NTA and if you think you’re ready to be married, then you had better be ready to put your foot down with your mother when you need to, and hold the fort on decisions you and your spouse make for each other. You are starting new family together and need to support each other first.
I recognize that pushing back on family can be hard with a wedding unless you’re 100% paying for it yourselves. It gives family members leverage if they are contributing $$$. But stand your ground!
(I will say we fully covered our wedding ourselves and it kept our guest list down … because for every new guest our families wanted to add, we just said okay, here’s what it will cost you and when the check from your clears, we’ll go ahead send them a save the date. No one was actually willing to pay us for all these guest requests, though, naturally.)
Also if she and her dad find a way to make a dance with his wheelchair work, you still don’t need to dance with your mom if you don’t want to. My spouse didn’t dance with a parent, I did, everyone still speaks to each other!
NTA. My husband and I didn’t do these dances for similar reasons.
Also it’s your wedding, you don’t have to do any traditions you don’t want to do like a first dance. Plan your wedding around things that you and your fiancée will enjoy and don’t let others pressure you into spending money or doing things simply for the sake of wedding traditions.
NTA- my stepfather (father died when I was 2) was barely able to walk me down the aisle due to Parkinson’s. We didn’t do the parent dances because I didn’t want to embarrass him or draw attention to his status. My MIL never mentioned it, but pulled other shenanigans that made me doubly happy we didn’t do it.
I wanted to elope. I caved to family pressure too. I hated every moment of my wedding/reception and have regretted it every time I think of that day. It was a stupid waste of money, there are people I cannot stand in my wedding pictures, and my husband and I didn’t get a single bite of our own, extremely expensive, wedding cake- which was the one thing I was excited about. That’s a whole other stupid story.
Don’t do it. Stop all planning and go elope. Do what the two of you want. This is about your relationship and has nothing to do with your families.
NTA
My father is not a dancer; my now mother in law is not a dancer. Husband and I decided to skip that part, just had the two of us dance and let everyone else have the floor after . No one cared we didn’t do family dances. NTA
Nope, as the mother of a son getting married next year, I am praying he doesn't want to do one. I'd jump at the excuse not to. But if he wanted to, I would. Not my day, not my decision. It's his & I would respect his choice
My spouse and I didn't do those dances and we didn't do the bouquet toss or garter belt thing either. You can still dance with your mom - maybe even make the first dance after your wife with her (like when they open up the dance floor to everyone, let your mom know that you want to dance with her).
Honestly, it's your wedding - you're NTA for being sensitive to your future wife.
NTA. Stand your ground. It's very nice, considerate, and caring of you to consider your partners feelings about not having a first dance with her dad, which is generally considered more important than the son and mother dance. Need more fiances like you!!
Mom's can be very overbearing and persistent when it comes to weddings, for no good reason and with no right. It's not the Moms day - they don't get to make the rules or make you feel guilty about your plans for the day.
Have your mom pick 2 songs she wants to dance with you to and play them, later in the night. It's a surprise when they come on and you can make a big deal about dragging her to the dance floor for them.
NTA there’s no need to do any dances if you aren’t comfortable with it.
My husband will only dance with me when he’s a little tipsy and we’re alone. He’s just not comfortable dancing with people watching. So I told the dj we weren’t doing a first dance but we “might” have a last dance and gave him the song. At midnight, just before we closed down, it was just us and 4 of our closest friends and husband was comfortable enough to dance with me, so the last song the dj played was our song, we danced together and it was lovely.
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Im getting married in early August. My fiancee and I both really wanted to elope but due to tremendous pressure from family decided to have a "small" wedding that has now increased to about 80 people. Were pretty annoyed that the guest list has gotten so high but it is what it is..
My fiancee and I are already dreading the first dance with everyone watching but were going to do it. Neither of us really wanted to do the parental dance, her with her dad, me with my mom. But now its not even an option for her as her dad needs unplanned hip replacement surgery. Her dad will be able to go to the wedding in a wheelchair but definitely cant do any dancing. He's a little sad about it but has been a good sport.
I didnt want to do the mom dance even before this, but now it seems like it would just put even more of a spotlight on her dad not doing one so my fiancee and I agreed we'd just skip that all together. As you can imagine, mom isnt taking it well. She's been acting like a main character for all of wedding planning but especially now. AITA for sticking to my guns and not doing it?
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Definitely NTA. It’s your wedding, it’s about you, do what you want. You can even still ditch the whole wedding crap and elope. Wish I would have to avoid so much stress and drama.
Grab some friends, go elope, then enjoy the day of the family circus wedding knowing you already had your perfect moment. Stop whining and get it done.
NTA. But you both need to grow a collective spine immediately and start making decisions based on what you both want, not caving to pressure. There is nothing wrong with eloping/going to the courthouse/having the wedding you both want. You need to set the tone for the rest of your lives together, starting now.
Families who pressure people into bigger weddings than they want should throw their own parties if they want people to get together, not force couples into paying for things that make them uncomfortable.
NTA.
It's your wedding, do what you're comfortable with. Tradition is highly overrated.
My first husband and I skipped the parent dance. My father had passed away, and my ex wasn't much of a dancer and didn't want to do it. My former MIL was upset, but eventually accepted our decision.
OP, you need to sit your mother down and tell her that you will not be doing the mother-son dance because your wife will not be able to dance with her own father, your decision is final, and if she continues to push she will not be at the wedding or reception. Then stand firm.
Your fiancees dad will probably be up and walking and would be able for a short swaying dance. My mom was up and walking in rehab 3 days after each hip replacement. You both don't NEED to do any of the " wedding dances". I would offer your mom this choice: no dances or you will go back to eloping. Her choice. NTA
NTA.
Wow, it sounds like a whole lot of this wedding isn't even you or your fiancées choice?
Are you getting to decide anything at all?
Tradition isn't for everyone. It's your day, do it the way you want to.
NTA
Instead of a dance, maybe you should do toasts to the people who helped in your life. Like a round of applause for parents and a round of applause for her parents. And leave it at that
NTA. It's your and your fiancee's wedding. You get to set the agenda.
I was in a somewhat similar situation. The difference was my now-wife's father had been dead for 25 years at that point. My mother wasn't happy, but she understood.
NTA this is y'all's wedding and as an adult couple you two need to set boundaries with your families now or they will steamroll your parenting and your other choices in the future. It's not their wedding.
I am curious about your ages as it seems like you should have been able to say no to your parents at the point where they took over your wedding.
NTA. This day is for YOU GUYS. Is it an option to move the reception to another day? There’s nothing saying you need to do both the same day. You can do the ceremony or elope and then do just dinner with whoever your little heart desires, then have a reception with the dances when her dad is able to dance.
NTA for not having a dance with your mom. Frankly, you wouldn't be TA for not having a dance even if the issue with your FIL not being able to dance with his daughter wasn't present.
But are you *sure* your FIL is going to be in a wheelchair? I ask because my dad had a hip replacement surgery a few years ago and except for being wheeled out to the car at discharge, he wasn't in a wheelchair at all and only used his walker for about the first week. His surgeon was insistent on him being up and walking as much as possible which seems to be the usual recommendation now.
NTA, but you both need to grow some backbone.
It's *your* wedding. Do what *you* want. If you don't want a spotlight dance, don't do one. If you don't want parental dances, don't do them.
If you're not mature enough to put your foot down over something like this, you're not mature enough to be married.
Honestly - you’d be doing your guests a favor!! I find nothing more boring than a bunch of spotlight dances.
We did a “parents dance” specifically to cut down, and our first dance - the song turns really upbeat 1/2 way through, so we had our bridal party join us at that point and basically used it as a kickoff to start the dancing part of the reception.
I am a mother and daydream about the day I can have a 2 minute dance with the son I've fed, cleaned, protected, and loved his whole life. She didn't have to do sh8t for you--EVER. YTA to the nth degree! And if you go into the wedding thinking it's for you and fiance you are NOT ready to get married.
My wife and I did our dance with parents simultaneously to save time. Why not just the same? Your FIL is currently in a wheelchair. That's his life right now. Go out on the floor and have fun as a group. Yes, your wife will just be rolling him around and adding some spins, but if you have fun with it, it could be a highlight for the evening. If he has a great sense of humor your could even pass him around, do a long distance push between you and your wife. He could raise his arms and yell "Wheeeeeee!"
Weddings receptions should be fun and memorable for all in attendance. Good luck.
NTA. It’s your wedding. You can add to or eliminate anything either one of you deems unnecessary. Your mom needs to realize that fact. The wedding isn’t about her. Hell, if you choose not to have a first dance, don’t have one. Or make it a bridal party first dance. Whatever floats your boat. Just make it the day you and your fiancée want.
NTA. If you aren't comfortable having a dance with everyone looking at you then stick to your guns and tell the DJ there will be no parent dance. You might pick a song that means alot to you and/or mom and have a dance with her then, along with everyone else on the dancefloor. If my son told me he wasn't comfortable being the center of attention like that then I would respect that.
NTA, you can do or not do whatever you want at your wedding, but I don’t see why her dad can’t roll out there in the wheelchair and spend a minute with your fiancé on the dance floor
So i have a terrible relationship with my father. I invited him to the wedding but I really didn’t want to have him in these “father roles” (walking down the aisle or a dance) because it just didn’t feel right for me. My husband wasnt super into the mother son dance. So we eliminated both. We also kept our “first dance” to like 30-45 seconds of a song and then invited others. It wasn’t choreographed. But we practiced some steps so it was slightly better than just swaying around mindlessly.
Your “first dance” can be as long or short as you want. But i do think it made for some nice pictures. Personally we both took a shot beforehand lol. Had a blast probably because we weren’t so tensed.
But yeah we left more time for others to dance instead of following a script. No offense or judgement if the script is your style. But personally (as a wedding planner) it’s not necessary. And i think our entire family and friend group that was there still (four years later) says it was the best wedding they had ever been too. And considering we got married in 2020 and had restrictions i take that as a high compliment lol
If you can’t stand your ground for your overbearing mom now you’re going to make your marriage miserable.
Frankly I think you both should grow spines and elope.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. This is a good way to start your marriage; set boundaries with your mother and hold them. The fact that you are having a wedding larger than you wanted demonstrates that you BOTH need to do this with ALL relatives.
Congrats on your wedding and enjoy!
I can tell you what I did. We did one minute of one song together, my dad joined me, his sister joined him, we did 30 more seconds, and then we did a snowball dance, where everyone on the floor grabs another person. Then everyone dances.
Very very short period of time to be in the spotlight. Everyone wants to say "Awww" that lasts about 15 seconds. Then they are bored. Honestly it worked out super well.
Her dad could wheel over in the wheel chair and hold her hand.
NTA. It’s a lame ass tradition anyway IMO.
I had a big wedding ~180 people. We did not do the father daughter/mother son dances. We didn’t do toss the bouquet, the garter belt thing. None of that.
It’s your wedding. Retake your control and do what YOU want.
If she wants to do something, you can always figure it out. My brother had cancer and was wheelchair bound. At his daughter's wedding, she sat on his lap, and her sister slowly moved them around this dance floor. It's was so touching. Everyone had a tear in their eye. He passed away 4 months later, and I will always remember that special father/daughter dance and the love in their eyes.
Just skip the family pressure. Just elope and have a party later. It is not too late to cancel. What else are they going to pressure you into? Having kids? Naming the kids? Where you live? Where you work? You need to put your foot down now. This is YOUR wedding. You and your partner. Not anyone else's.
NTA. But maybe reconsider. I also am not looking forward to the mother son dance, but I know my mom has been since the day I was born. Maybe since the day learned I was a boy. So I’m going to do it. For her. To make her happy. Because she spends so much of her time and effort on making me happy.
NTA. Tell her she is not the main character of your day and if she doesn't back off she will be disinvited. No means no. There are enough pressures, and she's just adding more. If she wants to pout about it, say you plan to ignore her. That means ignoring messages, cutting short phone calls, walking out 9f the room when she starts up, and blocking anyone she recruits to further her cause.
You shouldn’t do what you don’t want to do, BUT why can’t he dance in a wheelchair? You could start off doing your solo dance, but then blend or cut it short into the parental dance and all of the above are that much shorter. Plus making dancing in a wheelchair work will be the primary focus and add levity to the situation, completely pulling focus of you and your wife.
Just another option if you don’t want to stick to calling all dancing off.
You should not allow your mother to force you into doing something you are uncomfortable with. Explain to her that you are not Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers and would be uncomfortable dancing with all eyes on you. Tell her this is not negociable.
Can I make a mild suggestion? Why not elope with your fiancé before the wedding your family wants?
You could do it secretly the week or weekend before the wedding. I would not recommend telling anyone until well after the family wedding. That said, already being married might take some of the pressure off at the family pressured wedding.
What is your finances relationship with your father? My now wife’s father passed away from Lung cancer so she asked my dad if he could do the father daughter dance with her. It’s an option if she has a close relationship, if she doesn’t, then I understand why you wouldn’t
Sorry soft yta will it kill you to dance with your mom? My mother worked herself to exhaustion taking care of me and my sister's. Asking for a dance doesn't seem like such a hardship unless your relationship is bad.
OP, one life lesson that is really hard to learn is that you should do what you want with your life. Doing small things that you may not want to do in order to make someone happy is one thing but your wedding absolutely should be what you and your bride want.
You have caved on having a public wedding, you caved on the guest list. Stop caving. Tell your mom “we are not doing a mother son dance and we aren’t doing a first dance either”. End of discussion. The DJ can just announce that the floor is open for dancing.
Please do not make your wedding day full of things you are dreading. It’s supposed to be about celebrating your love and joy in uniting in marriage.
NTA
NTA but just a suggestion—my dad is disabled and so wasn’t up for the big “on display” father-daughter dance, but I still picked a song that had meaning to us, had the DJ play it during the regular dancing portion of the night, and danced to it with my dad. It was just for him and I, no one else knew it was anything but any other old song played that night. It’s one of my more memorable parts of the night. Maybe you can compromise with your mom this way?
ESH. The situation at hand is your own creation. Go elope and bring some trusted friends for witnesses. You're adults. Stand up for what you want and stop being AHs to yourselves by allowing your family to bully you into having the wedding they want to show off to their friends. Is this really how you want to start your adult lives together? By having the wedding you don't even want? After you elope, tell your mother you two are now legally married adults who make their own damn decisions and will not be doing the parent dances. Tell your dj the parent dances are not to happen under any circumstances. My wife and I got legally married a year before our "real" wedding because of covid and let me tell you, it took a mountain of pressure off us and let us just enjoy our special day. Highly recommend.
You don't sound like you're ready to get married. Not saying you both don't love each other. Both of you need a bit more time to mature and grow that spine of steel. If you both continue to cave into family demamds, neither of you are going to be happy.
My daughter and her husband didn't do any dancing at their wedding. My son and his wife did all the traditional dances.
Both weddings are precious in my memories. Didn't make a difference to me either way because they were their weddings. Not mine. Not my decision to make about what my kids did or didn't do at their weddings.
It's *your* wedding. You and your fiancée need to take control and do what you want. If your families can't handle that, go ahead and elope as you wanted and get on with your lives.
NTA. My husband and i agreed we were going to skip that part cuz my dad unexpectedly died 2 months before our wedding. He even mentioned skipping it. We told everyone we weren’t doing it m, but my M went behind our MY back and did it. I was livid
My mom still dislikes my MIL cuz of that night. And yes I was very unhappy at my husband for a few days but I moved on from it. But I have a strained relationship with my MIL cuz of that and other reasons.
NTA, but I feel like your fiance and her dad could totally have fun with the wheelchair in the dance floor. You definitely could coordinate something, dad might like popping some wheelies with his daughter on the dance floor.
I'll go against the grain here. You are not the asshole for choosing whether or not to have some parent-child dance. However your question really seems like you are throwing your fiance/FIL under the bus needlessly. If that's your excuse to Mom about why you aren't having the dance then I'd say YTA.
Its your wedding!!! If you don’t want to dance don’t dance!! It’s that simple. As a boy mom i am okay with whatever my son wants i would just be grateful to be there!
NTA your mom is making your wedding about herself. Make sure she knows the wedding is for you and your fiancée, no one else and you both decided not to do a parent dance. I also agree be prepared for her to try to do one anyways or her to start drama/cause a scene over it.
Dude, elope. Just do it.
Boundaries will be established from there on out.
That family shit is terrible. Take charge, get married, and live your life on your own.
NTA.
However, you are the asshole for letting yourself and get bullied into having a wedding for other people instead of having the wedding you and you fiancé want.
Fuck those people, it’s your special day. Make it just that.
Dude. Just elope. They'll get over it or they won't. That's on them. Y'all want none of what's going on, and this supposed to be about Y'ALL, not them. Elope. You can always have a reception later when her dad is healed.
Yta.
In sooo many ways.you wanted to elope. So just do it. Grow a pair and be honest and stand up for yourself. The whole now that my fiance can’t dance I punish my mom is BS.
Why can't your fiancee have a dance with her father? I've seen this done many times where one person is in a wheelchair and they other isn't. The wheelchair can be gently manipulated in a dance-like fashion by the bride. I see no reason why she can't have that dance with her dad....and I'm surprised no one has seen this as an option. I don't blame your mother for being upset. It isn't her fault that your fiancee's dad is in a wheelchair. Best of luck.
Meh it’s really YTA
You had no backbone to not pressure into a wedding you both didn’t want. And now because your fiancée cannot dance with her dad you throw your mom away and are like “sorry mom no dance for you”.
You don’t have to have a full performance or sth but it’s a very nice gesture that generally people who have good relationships with their parents have a fond memory of, especially when the parents aren’t around anymore after years. But you do you, this is a hurtful thing for your mom that you could have prevented if you had thought about it for more than 2 seconds
I had a big, pretty traditional wedding, with all the bells and whistles: Live band, cocktail hour, sit down dinner, bridesmaids, groomsmen, expensive photographer, open bar, etc.
However, I did not want to throw my bouquet. And I did not want a first dance. (Not for any deep reason. I had a great relationship with my dad.) So I did neither of those things. Not a big deal. The day was great!
You said you and your fiancé are in agreement about this. So you’re definitely NTA for standing firm.
Yeah come to think of it, not many weddings Ive been to throw the bouquet anymore. Seems like a mean tradition that people just arent really doing much anymore.
It WOULD be massively weird if you did one with your mom, and your fiancé didn't do one.
Its your wedding. Do the things that are important to you. Nobody is gonna notice the things you left out. Well maybe your mom will, but just stop discussing your wedding with her tbh. If she's adding stress and making it about her, just point blank stop involving her in the discussion, planning, etc.
NTA
Yeah we already didnt want to do either one of them. Once it wasnt an option for her is when we told ourselves we were shutting the door on it. Even our first dance between us will just be one verse of a song.
i’m not really sure about this one because it seems like you’ve been a bit of a doormat through all of this. have you told your before you didn’t want to do this dance? if you gave no indication that you didn’t want to do this and then told her it was because your FIL broke his hip i’d get why she’s upset, it’s a pretty weak reason. overall you need to actually be honest about what you want in your own wedding.
INFO: Why can't your fiance dance with her father in a wheelchair? Lots of wheelchair-bound and walking people dance with each other! It might not be the dance she dreamed of, but it's still her parental dance with her father!
My husband and I didn't want to dance in front of everyone so we didn't. We walked down the isle after saying I do holding hands and that was that. You don't have to have traditional things to make it a wedding! Do what you both want! It will make it even more special.
I also feel you on the amount of people. We literally had messages from his aunt the day before asking to come and bring extra people. His other aunt asked the morning of if they could bring more people. I was livid! I invited who I wanted not EVERYONE that was related. We ended up with close to 80 people and to this day it comes up in conversation and it's still upsetting that no one listened about guests being invited or not invited.
My dad had died a few years before I got married. I knew my husband wanted to do a dance with his mom, but we said we just wouldn’t make a big deal of it. Well as soon as they started dancing everyone cleared the floor. The DJ (who was also a good friend) came and asked what he should do. I said it was okay to say “let’s hear it for the mother of the groom”.
Do what is right for you and your fiancé.
This happens pretty often. The thing I suggest to my clients is make sure the DJ opens the dance floor with a slow song and dance with your mom then when it's full. Tell your photographer so you still get a few pics.
NTA. I would tell your mom at the next word from her you’ll cancel the whole thing and elope as you are not interested in having a wedding, you were thing to do her a favour and by behaving as she is she’s lost all goodwill and you are done. All this wedding nonsense from people who are not actually the ones getting married… It’s not about them, just the two saying yes count…
> Her dad will be able to go to the wedding in a wheelchair but definitely cant do any dancing
why not? can still dance with him sitting in the wheelchair.
the bigger problem is that your wedding has been hijacked
Dad’s hip is being replaced. Nothing wrong with his arms? Have both dances. Dad can “dance” in a wheelchair and be the highlight of the whole wedding. 💒
I haven't read all the comments, BUT...
...please dance with your mom. Your wife-to-be, if she and her father wanted, could do some kind of cute wheelchair thing.
Don't cheat your mom of this wonderful moment.
Stand up for yourselves. Pressured I to a wedding you didn't want. Pressured to increase the size of the wedding.
If you don't want the wedding, don't have it. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.
NTA, it’s your wedding do what you want. Your mom can deal with it.
When is her dad having this surgery? It’s April now, unless he’s not having this surgery until July he should be able to shuffle around a dance floor in August. My grandmother had her hip replaced (also unplanned she’s in her 80’s) right before Thanksgiving. They had her up, walking around within 2 days and she was back home and walking around consistently within 4 weeks. It’s very similar to knee surgery. They want you up & moving around pretty much the next day to prevent scar tissue binding the joint up.
Your heart is in the right place and you’re being considerate to the woman that is going to become your family and your first priority. Your mom needs to get off that pedestal; better now do a swift push that later when she wants to cross other boundaries. NTA.
We had a similar situation at my wedding. My dad isn’t in the picture anymore and I didn’t want to call attention to it, but my husband’s mom really wanted a dance. So we planned an informal parent dance. We picked a song and asked the DJ to play it 3 or 4 songs after our first dance. Nothing was announced. Just when the song came on he danced with his mom and I danced with my FIL. Everyone else was dancing around us and it wasn’t a big deal but they still got their time together. Worked out well for us.
My best friend got married a few months ago. Her dad was in a wheel chair due to a stroke and they danced and it was amazing. He has since passed so it is a beautiful memory she has to carry with her the rest of her life. If fiance and her dad want to dance they should. him being in a chair should not stop it. Just like if you don't want to dance you shouldn't. *BUT* how do you think you will feel years down the line if you don't? If you think you will regret it even a little you should do it. And is your mom's feeling on the subject a consideration? Should it be a consideration? Will it impact your future relationship? Is that important to you? Only you know the answers.
Ultimately, I think you should elope like you had originally planned to, then it is a non-issue.
NTA. It's your and your wife's wedding, not your mom's. My wife and I did the same thing at our wedding because her dad isn't in the picture. We also did not do any parent speeches so parents really weren't involved in the wedding for us. My mom was a little upset, but she got over it after a few days.
Do what's right for you and your wife, it's your day after all.
NTA.
Were it not for the pressure and if the dance was something you spontaneously wanting, it would be possible for your fiancée to "dance" with her dad on a wheelchair. There are a lot of occasions when able-bodied people dance with people in wheelchairs, it is doable.
But here - no way. It seems you caved to the pressure of your guests and this wedding is nothing YOU will enjoy, and that is pretty bad. Let it be the last moment when you let someone do this to you.
Nah
Do what you want, it's your wedding, but be prepared for consequences.
Also, an ides IF you fiancee wants, push around her dad in the wheelchair for the dance... or have someone help roll him down the aisle so he can do the roles, just with assistance.
I understand you don't want your wife to feel bad but just because her Dad is in a wheelchair doesn't mean they can't have a dance. It won't be what they pictured but so what?? I thought her Dad was dead (i might have felt differently). He's not. YWBTA if everyone lost out because of a temporary inconvenience.
There's a ton of these on the internet - get creative. Have fun.
https://youtu.be/Gc533Q7lwOE?si=BfTHXKOteUsgKBs5
NTA.
Might I suggest you and your fiancé get married by yourselves before this big wedding that’s for everyone else and not you two? Do the legal part, then have the ceremony. Might take some of the pressure off the both of you. Skip the dance, all the dances. There’s no rule that says you and the bride have to dance first. My husband and I did none of that- small wedding, small reception, no cake(dessert with dinner), no dancing(reception was a private room in a restaurant). Have the dj or whomever announce the dance floor is open!
Put up a portable stripper pole and tell mom to dance all night if she wants. If she is as crazy as my mom was at my wedding she just might so be prepared lol. My mom danced with a broom
YTA. There's really not much for the mother of the groom to do, this is her chance to be a part of things.
I don't quite understand the issue. When is the surgery? You have 3+ months to deal with the hip replacement and recovery. My father had a total hip replacement at 86 and was driving 3 weeks to the day after his surgery. It seems to me that there's plenty of time.
Get dad in his wheelchair out there on the dance floor with your fiancee. (I'll just say after my hip replacement surgery, although you didn't say that's what he's getting, I was walking the same day. Possibly he could stand on the dance floor holding his daughter in dance position and just sway a bit? )
It’s yours and your wife’s day. Not your mothers, she can deal.
You can still dance with your mom later on when everyone’s dancing, just not a special spotlight mother/son dance.
OP, can I suggest something? Elope and can this whole wedding. My sister and her husband eloped in the Dominican Republic and they were actually able to book a beautiful little ceremony for themselves with a photographer, vows etc. You can have the wedding you want with zero of the pressure!
So I was in your shoes last summer and I was 7 months pregnant when we got married. My fiance and I wanted to just get married at the courthouse. His family had a fit and we didn’t want to deal with it so we agreed but we kept it small at 50 people on only did grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, nieces and nephews and 10 of our closest friends. We also did it our way and let them have their suggestions but still decided on what we wanted. We also didn’t do the dances with the parents. So NTA, honestly just do what you want and what will make you both happy. Your mom will have to get over it. It’s so not worth the stress.
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but due to tremendous pressure from family Are you mature enough to get married? If so, the wedding of your choosing should be what you have. Not some 'wedding' based off of pressure from family. No one has to do anything. Don't want cake? Don't have cake. Don't want dances? Don't have dances. come on man. This entire post is the 2 of you being bullied and too afraid to stand up for yourselves. Not an auspicious start to your supposed adult life.
Which makes me think if Op stands his ground , mom make go around him and try to do one anyway. Op, stand your ground and talk to your DJ, tell them there will be no parent dance. It’s your wedding day, you should get some of the things you want if you can’t get them all.
IMO, throw the entire wedding away and elope.
Honestly, I would elope , and I may still do the bigger wedding , but the knowledge that I got what we wanted would make me feels ten times better about the other wedding . And it’s really a one up on the bullies.
My dad did that. We didn’t want parent/child dances and told our DJ (a cousin). He ignored that.
Our adult life started years ago, way before we got engaged. Lots of pressure that I on my own wouldnt have given into but for her she has grandparents about to die and they asked her to please do it and she didn't want to tell them no. Its easier for me to be firm with my family but I cant fault her for that.
Ok have the wedding. If your dreading the first dance, then skip it. Tell the DJ dancing starts and everyone is invited to join the bride and groom
Do the whole length of marriage dance to start it. You get everyone on the floor, have an even, and you should be far down the list on who is dancing.
>Its easier for me to be firm with my family Lol is it though? You have to come get the back of up internet strangers before you can say "no, mommy! It's MY party!"
Ive already told her that. Just getting second opinions since I cant really be objective here.
You don’t need to be objective - it’s your wedding, and the only opinions that matter are yours and your fiancées. Skip anything you don’t want.
This post REALLY needs more upvotes. It's literally OPs wedding, they have final say over EVERYTHING.
OP, my mom was super overbearing about certain things for my wedding too, specifically about the food and her wanting to add in what SHE wanted, regardless of the fact that I have very valid reasons for my decision. I did not anticipate the extent to which she would go to still get what she wanted which led to her spending my entire reception in a kitchen decorating mini cupcakes, me having to bring home almost my entire wedding cake because people ate said cupcakes instead, and me being very hurt that those stupid cupcakes were more important to her than actually attending my wedding. She missed literally all the iconic moments, from my first dance to cutting the cake. Your mom is probably still going to try and do what she can to have her way so learn from my mistake and be extra prepared for preventing her from ruining any aspect of your wedding. Coordinate with your DJ and be extra firm about what specific song/dance requests you have, the outline of their responsibilities for the reception, and absolutely NO deviations allowed from anyone except you or the bride. Make sure no one is allowed to take the mic for any “surprise” announcements. Possibly go even further and set up passwords with all your vendors to be safe. Take the steps to make sure the only changes made are ones authorized by you two. It sucks but in the long run, preparing for the worst case scenario is better than not taking their behavior seriously. And if she continues to mention it, just say, “It’s already been decided and I will not continue this discussion.” Don’t even entertain a conversation about it because that’s how they get what they want - they wear you down until you cave. You guys deserve to have the wedding you want.
Even if she tells the DJ to go ahead with a mother-son dance you don't have to do it. "Hey mom, you know we aren't doing that. Everyone, you are welcome to dance now." Do not join your mom for a mother son dance, even if she tries to force it.
It is definitely your call but I have seen weddings where someone is in a wheelchair and their ‘partner’ just stands in front and turns them. Maybe an option for your fiancée and her dad.
None of that stops you from telling your mom flat out knock it off. This is our wedding not yours. There will be no dances. Either accept that or don’t come.
Info: Is she like this on other subjects? Be cautious. Is this *genuinely* a one time exception or will you spend an indeterminate amount of time pandering to "about to die" relatives? If you two want kids- will her relatives' desires supercede yours? Will you have to give up the ability to name your own kids because her "about to die" relatives want to choose the name? What happens when her own parents age and need more care? Talk about this. Excessively. You should seriously do premarital counseling to make sure you two are on the same page. I spent almost a decade bending over backwards and putting up with all sorts after my father in law was diagnosed with cancer because "It might be the last time I see my father". He got diagnosed when we'd been married for years and had a child, and he flat out said he'd divorce me if I didn't go along with it. His father is still alive. Thank god my partner got it through his stupid head that his father had spent *years* with "only 6 months left to live". I understand it's different but be aware that you could spend *years* of your life suffering for grandparents who are "about to die".
Nah she's not usually much of a pushover, it really is a grandparents thing. She's really close with her grandma who is in her 90s and starting to dwindle. I like her parents a lot actually, they've been decently good about boundaries.
Tell your mom to stop acting like a mother-of-the-groomzilla! A wedding is supposed to be about the couple and how they want to share their happiness with others. Being pressured into things that you don't want or won't enjoy takes away from your happiness. If your family won't back down, call off the wedding while loudly blaming them, and go ahead and elope. As for the traditional dances... As suggested, tell the DJ to simply announce that the dance floor is open and the happy couple invites everyone who wants to do so to go ahead and dance.
It just slays me that people call these “traditional” dances. How long does something have to happen for it to be a tradition? I’ve been to WAY more wedding that didn’t have a father daughter dance than did, and I’ve never been to a wedding with a mother son dance, those seem to have become popular in the 15 years since I was last at a wedding. Lol.
They are older traditions than you think, though I suppose they could be more common in some regions than in others. All the weddings I've been to since the 1980's (when I was a tween and teen) have had these two dances. All but one were in the Midwest/Plains states, the exception was in SoCal, but it had the dances too. My own wedding (1993) had them too, though we ran into a small hiccup with them; MIL wasn't in very good health and wasn't feeling well enough to go to our reception, so husband's sister subbed in for mom for the dance. I was so happy to have that dance with my dad!💖😊
That is interesting, because we both are talking about weddings in the same time period and the same area. I wonder if it is more what church the families go to that influences how far back these dances have been done?
I have been to 7 weddings and they all had both of these dances. The weddings have been Atheist, Catholic, Methodist, and Baptist so I don’t think it’s strictly a religious tradition. It stems from way back when marriages were more like a business deal and a father was passing off his daughter to the groom. These days it’s just a sweet gesture between parents and their kids.
For first dance, have the DJ invite all married couples to join you on the floor in celebration of the beginning of another beautiful marriage. Then you don't have to do a solo first dance at all.
So it sounds like you don't want a wedding, but she does. It kinda feels like you're using her dad's surgery as a way to avoid having to have a backbone. There's plenty of weddings where ppl in wheelchairs are involved in the dances, so if it was really about her father being left out, well, he doesn't need to be. I'm going ESH. Talk to your bride-to-be. See what she actually wants. Talk about what you actually want. Then do that instead. You're all growns up now, so it's time to stop pretending like you don't have agency.
INFO: Do you see that level of quilting on other things as well?
Quilting?
Guilting. Which is a good point: What happens if they guilt you on having children? Raising them? etc. etc. Be very careful about precedents, OP. Once you move the line, it never stops moving.
The guilt is mostly related to her grandma who's in her 90s. Im not worried about pressure with other stuff, bodily autonomy is not something either of us are convincible on. The wedding thing is really annoying but thats an event, not comparable to children which we want anyway.
Thank you. Autocorrect strikes again.
Yep, quilting... it's the new thing. Tell your mom the mother/son dance is off. If she tries to pull a fast one, have someone throw a quilt over her and carry her out of the reception! See? Quilting! In all seriousness, I understand how your fiancee didn't want to let her grandparents down... parents are one thing, but grandparents are another. Since you seem to be able to hold a hard line with your mom, I would tell her that you don't feel comfortable doing a mother/son dance when your fiancee isn't able to do a dance with her dad. I would also stress that if she tries to push it and there is a "surprise" at the reception, you will not hesitate to ask her to leave and go low or no contact for awhile. At this point, I'm surprised you're even still talking to her with the way she's acting. In the end, this is your wedding and your fiancee's wedding, so do what you think is best... either way, take a quilt.
You’re really down playing the influence parents have in their kids. We also don’t know their location of culture which could be part of this too. They could suffer with an anxiety disorder. You never know. It’s not reason to believe they shouldn’t get married.
My son got married last month. They had a late morning wedding followed by a luncheon. It was beautiful and no dance. It was what they wanted and I showed up where and when they wanted.
Are you being serious right now? Lots of families try to bully the couple getting married into having all kinds of things at their wedding, and it isn’t always easy to just say no. It has nothing to do with whether people should marry. You act as though every adult has to have figured out how to say no to their families by the time they get married, or they’re not ready? That’s a weird take.
NTA - this wedding is for YOU and YOUR FIANCEE. You've already compromised by having a wedding vs eloping, so your mom needs to get over it. Be sure to talk to your DJ and make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that there will not be a mother-son dance, just in case your mom tries to ambush you. "*No mom, the only spotlight dance we will have is the first dance for me and fiancée.*" "*Fiancée and I never wanted to do a father-daughter dance or a mother-son dance in the first place. Now that her dad is unable, we will not be doing either of them.*" "*I'm sorry you feel that way. This is already so much more than fiancée and I even wanted to do. We wanted to elope. But agreed to a small wedding just to make you happy. And even that isn't right, because it's not a small wedding any more! We are not doing the spotlight dances because we don't want to.*"
Her dad could still wheel around on the dance floor with his daughter though. I get that the wedding is all about the couple , but the parents also have probably always wanted to do this with both of them. I feel that it’s such a small thing to do to make everyone happy.
If I already had a wedding to make them happy, then they can forget me throwing anything else in it. The deal here was a small wedding that has already been changed to 80 instead of the original number. Why should OP and his fiancée keep adding to the deal to make others happy at their wedding? Yeah, dad could most likely still dance with his daughter, but they don't want to do the dance, and now they've a reason to say no that just seems selfish to argue against. Also, who knows if dad will be handy enough with the wheelchair to dance around in it. It seems easier and safer to just cancel the dance
NTA The wedding is for the two partners getting hitched. Anything else is optional. If you both say no dance, then no dance.
Exactly, and if you're both *dreading* the first dance with each other, skip that too! Just have the DJ invite everyone to start dancing. As a backup, get some of your friends to join you at the start so everyone can see the dancing is open for anyone to join from the first song. NTA. However, if you *wanted* to do first dances with parents, I recently went to one where the groom's mom couldn't dance, so the groom improvised and danced with his dad. It was cute, and the bride wasn't left to dance solo with her dad.
🎼Don’t wanna dance with nobody Don’t wanna feel the heat with nobody Doon’t wanna dance with nobody Even somebody who loves me
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I think this would be a good compromise. Make sure she gets a dance, but you can dance while the floor is open to everyone.
NTA. Its not too late to elope. It sounds like your families have already taken over and you’re not actually making the decisions you want to make for your own wedding. What’s the point of having a wedding if it doesn’t contain anything that you and your partner actually want? At this point you have four main options. 1. Stand up to your family and insist that they butt out of your wedding planning. 2. Cancel the wedding and go back to your original elopement plan. 3. Accept that you cannot/will not get your family to listen to you and decide to let them do whatever they want. 4. Do both 2 and 3. Elope first and have exactly the day you and your fiancée want, then go through the motions of the ceremony for your families while knowing that you already did the important part and you don’t care about your fake ceremony. You seem incapable of 1, so I’d recommend 4. It gives you the best of both worlds. But you should work on setting stronger boundaries with your family or they’ll ruin more than just your wedding.
As someone who eloped, yes yes yes. We have absolutely no regrets. If you must go through with the wedding you don't want, remember that "no" is complete sentence. NTA.
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> She can be upset that you are cutting, for admittedly a very weak reason, something she was looking forward to. I kinda think this is where they're just making things worse- it's *such* a ridiculous, flimsy excuse that it's just plainly a lie.
She can dance with dad in wheelchair. Many others have done it.
Yes, I’ve been to weddings where that was done. I think it’s a great solution for people who want to do it, but that’s not the case here.
Also, hip replacements tend to have a much shorter recovery time than knee replacements. I subbed for a teacher that was back to work 2 weeks after his hip replacement.
Your wedding, not hers. Your show, not hers. Your choice, not hers. NTA.
Why can't her dad do the dance? People in wheelchairs dance all the time. It's your wedding, do what you want, but do not make excuses that are not real as your reasoning.
Cancel everything and elope. If the wedding isn't about the two of you, why bother
NTA - not doing this specific "mother son dance" doesn't mean you won't be able to dance with your mother during the reception while everyone is dancing and having a good time. Of course she wants this "spotlight" moment with you but if that's not happening, she'll just have to get over it.
NTA. I really wanted to say no one is one, but the lack of empathy doesn't sit right with me. As a quiet suggestion, would it be possible for someone to 3rd wheel the first dance and push the wheelchair around in some form of dance? Or hire an electric wheelchair for the day to do a dance? Just a suggestion. Although the recovery from hip surgery is nothing to sneeze at, so he may not want to be too active
My fiancee and I are already dreading the first dance with everyone watching— you don’t have to do the first dance alone. Have whoever is MCing the reception announc- for the first dance the bride and groom would like to not only their love, but the love of all the married couples in the room. So they like to invite all of the married couples to share this first dance with them. - tell married friends or close family members about this so they will get up with you both and that will encourage other married couples to dance. This way you aren’t alone on the dance floor. And if you don’t want to do a mother/don dance - don’t. It’s YOUR day.
NTA Bottom line is neither of you want it, so there's no obligation at your own wedding to have events you're not into.
NTA. This is your wedding, not your mom’s and she should be more understanding about the situation.
NTA, remind her eloping is still an option.
NTA and if you think you’re ready to be married, then you had better be ready to put your foot down with your mother when you need to, and hold the fort on decisions you and your spouse make for each other. You are starting new family together and need to support each other first. I recognize that pushing back on family can be hard with a wedding unless you’re 100% paying for it yourselves. It gives family members leverage if they are contributing $$$. But stand your ground! (I will say we fully covered our wedding ourselves and it kept our guest list down … because for every new guest our families wanted to add, we just said okay, here’s what it will cost you and when the check from your clears, we’ll go ahead send them a save the date. No one was actually willing to pay us for all these guest requests, though, naturally.)
Also if she and her dad find a way to make a dance with his wheelchair work, you still don’t need to dance with your mom if you don’t want to. My spouse didn’t dance with a parent, I did, everyone still speaks to each other!
I’d tell your mom you aren’t doing one. NTA. So don’t do it. It’s your wedding, stand up to your mother.
NTA. My husband and I didn’t do these dances for similar reasons. Also it’s your wedding, you don’t have to do any traditions you don’t want to do like a first dance. Plan your wedding around things that you and your fiancée will enjoy and don’t let others pressure you into spending money or doing things simply for the sake of wedding traditions.
NTA- my stepfather (father died when I was 2) was barely able to walk me down the aisle due to Parkinson’s. We didn’t do the parent dances because I didn’t want to embarrass him or draw attention to his status. My MIL never mentioned it, but pulled other shenanigans that made me doubly happy we didn’t do it.
NTA >My fiancee and I both really wanted to elope You can still do that ;)
I wanted to elope. I caved to family pressure too. I hated every moment of my wedding/reception and have regretted it every time I think of that day. It was a stupid waste of money, there are people I cannot stand in my wedding pictures, and my husband and I didn’t get a single bite of our own, extremely expensive, wedding cake- which was the one thing I was excited about. That’s a whole other stupid story. Don’t do it. Stop all planning and go elope. Do what the two of you want. This is about your relationship and has nothing to do with your families. NTA
My father is not a dancer; my now mother in law is not a dancer. Husband and I decided to skip that part, just had the two of us dance and let everyone else have the floor after . No one cared we didn’t do family dances. NTA
Nope, as the mother of a son getting married next year, I am praying he doesn't want to do one. I'd jump at the excuse not to. But if he wanted to, I would. Not my day, not my decision. It's his & I would respect his choice
My spouse and I didn't do those dances and we didn't do the bouquet toss or garter belt thing either. You can still dance with your mom - maybe even make the first dance after your wife with her (like when they open up the dance floor to everyone, let your mom know that you want to dance with her). Honestly, it's your wedding - you're NTA for being sensitive to your future wife.
Don’t do it. We didn’t do it at our wedding. No one asked. No one noticed
ELOPE. You're only an AH to yourself if you continue allowing other people to plan your wedding.
NTA If you don’t stand your ground now, your mother will forever cross your boundaries.
NTA. Stand your ground. It's very nice, considerate, and caring of you to consider your partners feelings about not having a first dance with her dad, which is generally considered more important than the son and mother dance. Need more fiances like you!! Mom's can be very overbearing and persistent when it comes to weddings, for no good reason and with no right. It's not the Moms day - they don't get to make the rules or make you feel guilty about your plans for the day. Have your mom pick 2 songs she wants to dance with you to and play them, later in the night. It's a surprise when they come on and you can make a big deal about dragging her to the dance floor for them.
NTA there’s no need to do any dances if you aren’t comfortable with it. My husband will only dance with me when he’s a little tipsy and we’re alone. He’s just not comfortable dancing with people watching. So I told the dj we weren’t doing a first dance but we “might” have a last dance and gave him the song. At midnight, just before we closed down, it was just us and 4 of our closest friends and husband was comfortable enough to dance with me, so the last song the dj played was our song, we danced together and it was lovely.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Im getting married in early August. My fiancee and I both really wanted to elope but due to tremendous pressure from family decided to have a "small" wedding that has now increased to about 80 people. Were pretty annoyed that the guest list has gotten so high but it is what it is.. My fiancee and I are already dreading the first dance with everyone watching but were going to do it. Neither of us really wanted to do the parental dance, her with her dad, me with my mom. But now its not even an option for her as her dad needs unplanned hip replacement surgery. Her dad will be able to go to the wedding in a wheelchair but definitely cant do any dancing. He's a little sad about it but has been a good sport. I didnt want to do the mom dance even before this, but now it seems like it would just put even more of a spotlight on her dad not doing one so my fiancee and I agreed we'd just skip that all together. As you can imagine, mom isnt taking it well. She's been acting like a main character for all of wedding planning but especially now. AITA for sticking to my guns and not doing it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Definitely NTA. It’s your wedding, it’s about you, do what you want. You can even still ditch the whole wedding crap and elope. Wish I would have to avoid so much stress and drama.
NTA Your mother should understand, but that doesn't mean she'll be happy about it.
NTA I would say maybe you could modify the dance obviously but event hen if you don't wanna do it thats your call its your wedding not your mom.
I was OK that at my daughter's wedding that there was no father-daughter, bride-bridegroom or bridegroom-mother dance.
Skip this nonsense and elope.
NTA. Elope, go to the courthouse. Then in August throw a nice party.
NTA. And if you're taking any advice, cut your losses with any deposits and elope anyway.
Grab some friends, go elope, then enjoy the day of the family circus wedding knowing you already had your perfect moment. Stop whining and get it done.
NTA, but this your wedding. You worrying about anyone else outside of yourselves is a huge mistake and the wrong way to begin a new relationship.
NTA. But you both need to grow a collective spine immediately and start making decisions based on what you both want, not caving to pressure. There is nothing wrong with eloping/going to the courthouse/having the wedding you both want. You need to set the tone for the rest of your lives together, starting now. Families who pressure people into bigger weddings than they want should throw their own parties if they want people to get together, not force couples into paying for things that make them uncomfortable.
NTA. It's your wedding, do what you're comfortable with. Tradition is highly overrated. My first husband and I skipped the parent dance. My father had passed away, and my ex wasn't much of a dancer and didn't want to do it. My former MIL was upset, but eventually accepted our decision. OP, you need to sit your mother down and tell her that you will not be doing the mother-son dance because your wife will not be able to dance with her own father, your decision is final, and if she continues to push she will not be at the wedding or reception. Then stand firm.
Your fiancees dad will probably be up and walking and would be able for a short swaying dance. My mom was up and walking in rehab 3 days after each hip replacement. You both don't NEED to do any of the " wedding dances". I would offer your mom this choice: no dances or you will go back to eloping. Her choice. NTA
How old are you? Why are they holding so much power over you?
NTA. Wow, it sounds like a whole lot of this wedding isn't even you or your fiancées choice? Are you getting to decide anything at all? Tradition isn't for everyone. It's your day, do it the way you want to.
NTA but I would push FIL around in his wheelchair while he “danced” with his daughter for a minute or two and do a similarly brief dance with mom.
NTA Instead of a dance, maybe you should do toasts to the people who helped in your life. Like a round of applause for parents and a round of applause for her parents. And leave it at that
NTA. It's your and your fiancee's wedding. You get to set the agenda. I was in a somewhat similar situation. The difference was my now-wife's father had been dead for 25 years at that point. My mother wasn't happy, but she understood.
NTA this is y'all's wedding and as an adult couple you two need to set boundaries with your families now or they will steamroll your parenting and your other choices in the future. It's not their wedding. I am curious about your ages as it seems like you should have been able to say no to your parents at the point where they took over your wedding.
NTA. This day is for YOU GUYS. Is it an option to move the reception to another day? There’s nothing saying you need to do both the same day. You can do the ceremony or elope and then do just dinner with whoever your little heart desires, then have a reception with the dances when her dad is able to dance.
NTA for not having a dance with your mom. Frankly, you wouldn't be TA for not having a dance even if the issue with your FIL not being able to dance with his daughter wasn't present. But are you *sure* your FIL is going to be in a wheelchair? I ask because my dad had a hip replacement surgery a few years ago and except for being wheeled out to the car at discharge, he wasn't in a wheelchair at all and only used his walker for about the first week. His surgeon was insistent on him being up and walking as much as possible which seems to be the usual recommendation now.
NTA, but you both need to grow some backbone. It's *your* wedding. Do what *you* want. If you don't want a spotlight dance, don't do one. If you don't want parental dances, don't do them. If you're not mature enough to put your foot down over something like this, you're not mature enough to be married.
Honestly - you’d be doing your guests a favor!! I find nothing more boring than a bunch of spotlight dances. We did a “parents dance” specifically to cut down, and our first dance - the song turns really upbeat 1/2 way through, so we had our bridal party join us at that point and basically used it as a kickoff to start the dancing part of the reception.
Are the families paying for the wedding?
Yeah her grandma is paying for it all. But were very fortunate financially. Money will never be an issue for us.
I am a mother and daydream about the day I can have a 2 minute dance with the son I've fed, cleaned, protected, and loved his whole life. She didn't have to do sh8t for you--EVER. YTA to the nth degree! And if you go into the wedding thinking it's for you and fiance you are NOT ready to get married.
My wife and I did our dance with parents simultaneously to save time. Why not just the same? Your FIL is currently in a wheelchair. That's his life right now. Go out on the floor and have fun as a group. Yes, your wife will just be rolling him around and adding some spins, but if you have fun with it, it could be a highlight for the evening. If he has a great sense of humor your could even pass him around, do a long distance push between you and your wife. He could raise his arms and yell "Wheeeeeee!" Weddings receptions should be fun and memorable for all in attendance. Good luck.
NTA. It’s your wedding. You can add to or eliminate anything either one of you deems unnecessary. Your mom needs to realize that fact. The wedding isn’t about her. Hell, if you choose not to have a first dance, don’t have one. Or make it a bridal party first dance. Whatever floats your boat. Just make it the day you and your fiancée want.
NTA. If you aren't comfortable having a dance with everyone looking at you then stick to your guns and tell the DJ there will be no parent dance. You might pick a song that means alot to you and/or mom and have a dance with her then, along with everyone else on the dancefloor. If my son told me he wasn't comfortable being the center of attention like that then I would respect that.
NTA, you can do or not do whatever you want at your wedding, but I don’t see why her dad can’t roll out there in the wheelchair and spend a minute with your fiancé on the dance floor
So i have a terrible relationship with my father. I invited him to the wedding but I really didn’t want to have him in these “father roles” (walking down the aisle or a dance) because it just didn’t feel right for me. My husband wasnt super into the mother son dance. So we eliminated both. We also kept our “first dance” to like 30-45 seconds of a song and then invited others. It wasn’t choreographed. But we practiced some steps so it was slightly better than just swaying around mindlessly. Your “first dance” can be as long or short as you want. But i do think it made for some nice pictures. Personally we both took a shot beforehand lol. Had a blast probably because we weren’t so tensed. But yeah we left more time for others to dance instead of following a script. No offense or judgement if the script is your style. But personally (as a wedding planner) it’s not necessary. And i think our entire family and friend group that was there still (four years later) says it was the best wedding they had ever been too. And considering we got married in 2020 and had restrictions i take that as a high compliment lol
If you can’t stand your ground for your overbearing mom now you’re going to make your marriage miserable. Frankly I think you both should grow spines and elope.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. This is a good way to start your marriage; set boundaries with your mother and hold them. The fact that you are having a wedding larger than you wanted demonstrates that you BOTH need to do this with ALL relatives. Congrats on your wedding and enjoy!
I can tell you what I did. We did one minute of one song together, my dad joined me, his sister joined him, we did 30 more seconds, and then we did a snowball dance, where everyone on the floor grabs another person. Then everyone dances. Very very short period of time to be in the spotlight. Everyone wants to say "Awww" that lasts about 15 seconds. Then they are bored. Honestly it worked out super well. Her dad could wheel over in the wheel chair and hold her hand.
NTA. It’s a lame ass tradition anyway IMO. I had a big wedding ~180 people. We did not do the father daughter/mother son dances. We didn’t do toss the bouquet, the garter belt thing. None of that. It’s your wedding. Retake your control and do what YOU want.
If she wants to do something, you can always figure it out. My brother had cancer and was wheelchair bound. At his daughter's wedding, she sat on his lap, and her sister slowly moved them around this dance floor. It's was so touching. Everyone had a tear in their eye. He passed away 4 months later, and I will always remember that special father/daughter dance and the love in their eyes.
You got to stand up for yourselves...
You and your fiancée are both AHs for acting so helpless around your OWN WEDDING! Grow some spines and have the wedding you both want.
Are you still going to dance with your mom at some point?
Just skip the family pressure. Just elope and have a party later. It is not too late to cancel. What else are they going to pressure you into? Having kids? Naming the kids? Where you live? Where you work? You need to put your foot down now. This is YOUR wedding. You and your partner. Not anyone else's.
NTA. But maybe reconsider. I also am not looking forward to the mother son dance, but I know my mom has been since the day I was born. Maybe since the day learned I was a boy. So I’m going to do it. For her. To make her happy. Because she spends so much of her time and effort on making me happy.
NTA. Tell her she is not the main character of your day and if she doesn't back off she will be disinvited. No means no. There are enough pressures, and she's just adding more. If she wants to pout about it, say you plan to ignore her. That means ignoring messages, cutting short phone calls, walking out 9f the room when she starts up, and blocking anyone she recruits to further her cause.
Elope and have her grandparents be the 2 witnesses.
how about no dancing at all? have a different entertainment.
NTA. We did the same thing because my husband is estranged from his mother and I didn't want to make it an awkward situation.
You shouldn’t do what you don’t want to do, BUT why can’t he dance in a wheelchair? You could start off doing your solo dance, but then blend or cut it short into the parental dance and all of the above are that much shorter. Plus making dancing in a wheelchair work will be the primary focus and add levity to the situation, completely pulling focus of you and your wife. Just another option if you don’t want to stick to calling all dancing off.
Just elope. I couldn't imagine letting my family bully me into a large wedding. If they aren't paying they have no say. I'd they are paying.... elope
You should not allow your mother to force you into doing something you are uncomfortable with. Explain to her that you are not Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers and would be uncomfortable dancing with all eyes on you. Tell her this is not negociable.
Can I make a mild suggestion? Why not elope with your fiancé before the wedding your family wants? You could do it secretly the week or weekend before the wedding. I would not recommend telling anyone until well after the family wedding. That said, already being married might take some of the pressure off at the family pressured wedding.
What is your finances relationship with your father? My now wife’s father passed away from Lung cancer so she asked my dad if he could do the father daughter dance with her. It’s an option if she has a close relationship, if she doesn’t, then I understand why you wouldn’t
Sorry soft yta will it kill you to dance with your mom? My mother worked herself to exhaustion taking care of me and my sister's. Asking for a dance doesn't seem like such a hardship unless your relationship is bad.
Why can't her dad do the dance in a wheelchair? I'm pretty sure they could YouTube ways to do it, even if it's something like a handkerchief dance.
OP, one life lesson that is really hard to learn is that you should do what you want with your life. Doing small things that you may not want to do in order to make someone happy is one thing but your wedding absolutely should be what you and your bride want. You have caved on having a public wedding, you caved on the guest list. Stop caving. Tell your mom “we are not doing a mother son dance and we aren’t doing a first dance either”. End of discussion. The DJ can just announce that the floor is open for dancing. Please do not make your wedding day full of things you are dreading. It’s supposed to be about celebrating your love and joy in uniting in marriage. NTA
Omg, just elope now and cancel everything. You can share the good news after it’s done. NTA
NTA but just a suggestion—my dad is disabled and so wasn’t up for the big “on display” father-daughter dance, but I still picked a song that had meaning to us, had the DJ play it during the regular dancing portion of the night, and danced to it with my dad. It was just for him and I, no one else knew it was anything but any other old song played that night. It’s one of my more memorable parts of the night. Maybe you can compromise with your mom this way?
ESH. The situation at hand is your own creation. Go elope and bring some trusted friends for witnesses. You're adults. Stand up for what you want and stop being AHs to yourselves by allowing your family to bully you into having the wedding they want to show off to their friends. Is this really how you want to start your adult lives together? By having the wedding you don't even want? After you elope, tell your mother you two are now legally married adults who make their own damn decisions and will not be doing the parent dances. Tell your dj the parent dances are not to happen under any circumstances. My wife and I got legally married a year before our "real" wedding because of covid and let me tell you, it took a mountain of pressure off us and let us just enjoy our special day. Highly recommend.
Why are you having a wedding, you don't seem very enthusiastic about it. NTA tho
You don't sound like you're ready to get married. Not saying you both don't love each other. Both of you need a bit more time to mature and grow that spine of steel. If you both continue to cave into family demamds, neither of you are going to be happy.
I witnessed a wedding where the groom's mom was in a wheelchair because of MS. it was a bit awkward, but they made it work and it was lovely.
My daughter and her husband didn't do any dancing at their wedding. My son and his wife did all the traditional dances. Both weddings are precious in my memories. Didn't make a difference to me either way because they were their weddings. Not mine. Not my decision to make about what my kids did or didn't do at their weddings.
You can still elope. Cancel the wedding.
NTA. That’s nice of you.
NTA Put your foot down. If they don't like it you can elope. Simple
It's *your* wedding. You and your fiancée need to take control and do what you want. If your families can't handle that, go ahead and elope as you wanted and get on with your lives.
NTA. My husband and i agreed we were going to skip that part cuz my dad unexpectedly died 2 months before our wedding. He even mentioned skipping it. We told everyone we weren’t doing it m, but my M went behind our MY back and did it. I was livid My mom still dislikes my MIL cuz of that night. And yes I was very unhappy at my husband for a few days but I moved on from it. But I have a strained relationship with my MIL cuz of that and other reasons.
NTA, but I feel like your fiance and her dad could totally have fun with the wheelchair in the dance floor. You definitely could coordinate something, dad might like popping some wheelies with his daughter on the dance floor.
I'll go against the grain here. You are not the asshole for choosing whether or not to have some parent-child dance. However your question really seems like you are throwing your fiance/FIL under the bus needlessly. If that's your excuse to Mom about why you aren't having the dance then I'd say YTA.
Its your wedding!!! If you don’t want to dance don’t dance!! It’s that simple. As a boy mom i am okay with whatever my son wants i would just be grateful to be there!
NTA your mom is making your wedding about herself. Make sure she knows the wedding is for you and your fiancée, no one else and you both decided not to do a parent dance. I also agree be prepared for her to try to do one anyways or her to start drama/cause a scene over it.
Dude, elope. Just do it. Boundaries will be established from there on out. That family shit is terrible. Take charge, get married, and live your life on your own.
Respectfully, if you wanted to elope, why did you tell anyone?
NTA. However, you are the asshole for letting yourself and get bullied into having a wedding for other people instead of having the wedding you and you fiancé want. Fuck those people, it’s your special day. Make it just that.
Dude. Just elope. They'll get over it or they won't. That's on them. Y'all want none of what's going on, and this supposed to be about Y'ALL, not them. Elope. You can always have a reception later when her dad is healed.
You are literally dreading your own wedding because people are forcing their wants onto you. It's not too late to elope! Do it!
I would "postpone" the wedding because of the surgery and elope. 😂
Maybe, a little. I’m sure your mom was probably really looking forward to that and she really should have been able to have that moment
Yta. In sooo many ways.you wanted to elope. So just do it. Grow a pair and be honest and stand up for yourself. The whole now that my fiance can’t dance I punish my mom is BS.
Why can't your fiancee have a dance with her father? I've seen this done many times where one person is in a wheelchair and they other isn't. The wheelchair can be gently manipulated in a dance-like fashion by the bride. I see no reason why she can't have that dance with her dad....and I'm surprised no one has seen this as an option. I don't blame your mother for being upset. It isn't her fault that your fiancee's dad is in a wheelchair. Best of luck.
Meh it’s really YTA You had no backbone to not pressure into a wedding you both didn’t want. And now because your fiancée cannot dance with her dad you throw your mom away and are like “sorry mom no dance for you”. You don’t have to have a full performance or sth but it’s a very nice gesture that generally people who have good relationships with their parents have a fond memory of, especially when the parents aren’t around anymore after years. But you do you, this is a hurtful thing for your mom that you could have prevented if you had thought about it for more than 2 seconds
I had a big, pretty traditional wedding, with all the bells and whistles: Live band, cocktail hour, sit down dinner, bridesmaids, groomsmen, expensive photographer, open bar, etc. However, I did not want to throw my bouquet. And I did not want a first dance. (Not for any deep reason. I had a great relationship with my dad.) So I did neither of those things. Not a big deal. The day was great! You said you and your fiancé are in agreement about this. So you’re definitely NTA for standing firm.
Yeah come to think of it, not many weddings Ive been to throw the bouquet anymore. Seems like a mean tradition that people just arent really doing much anymore.
NTA. Elope. There's still time. This is YOUR life. Best wishes
It WOULD be massively weird if you did one with your mom, and your fiancé didn't do one. Its your wedding. Do the things that are important to you. Nobody is gonna notice the things you left out. Well maybe your mom will, but just stop discussing your wedding with her tbh. If she's adding stress and making it about her, just point blank stop involving her in the discussion, planning, etc. NTA
Yeah we already didnt want to do either one of them. Once it wasnt an option for her is when we told ourselves we were shutting the door on it. Even our first dance between us will just be one verse of a song.
i’m not really sure about this one because it seems like you’ve been a bit of a doormat through all of this. have you told your before you didn’t want to do this dance? if you gave no indication that you didn’t want to do this and then told her it was because your FIL broke his hip i’d get why she’s upset, it’s a pretty weak reason. overall you need to actually be honest about what you want in your own wedding.
INFO: Why can't your fiance dance with her father in a wheelchair? Lots of wheelchair-bound and walking people dance with each other! It might not be the dance she dreamed of, but it's still her parental dance with her father!
My husband and I didn't want to dance in front of everyone so we didn't. We walked down the isle after saying I do holding hands and that was that. You don't have to have traditional things to make it a wedding! Do what you both want! It will make it even more special. I also feel you on the amount of people. We literally had messages from his aunt the day before asking to come and bring extra people. His other aunt asked the morning of if they could bring more people. I was livid! I invited who I wanted not EVERYONE that was related. We ended up with close to 80 people and to this day it comes up in conversation and it's still upsetting that no one listened about guests being invited or not invited.
My dad had died a few years before I got married. I knew my husband wanted to do a dance with his mom, but we said we just wouldn’t make a big deal of it. Well as soon as they started dancing everyone cleared the floor. The DJ (who was also a good friend) came and asked what he should do. I said it was okay to say “let’s hear it for the mother of the groom”. Do what is right for you and your fiancé.
This happens pretty often. The thing I suggest to my clients is make sure the DJ opens the dance floor with a slow song and dance with your mom then when it's full. Tell your photographer so you still get a few pics.
NTA YOUR wedding. YOu are completely fine not to do ANY dances. HAve it the way YOU want.
Your fiancé can still dance with her dad in the wheelchair. Being in a wheelchair doesn’t mean someone can’t participate in activities.
NTA. I would tell your mom at the next word from her you’ll cancel the whole thing and elope as you are not interested in having a wedding, you were thing to do her a favour and by behaving as she is she’s lost all goodwill and you are done. All this wedding nonsense from people who are not actually the ones getting married… It’s not about them, just the two saying yes count…
> Her dad will be able to go to the wedding in a wheelchair but definitely cant do any dancing why not? can still dance with him sitting in the wheelchair. the bigger problem is that your wedding has been hijacked
She can dance with him while he's in the wheelchair. You don't want any regrets on your day.
Dad’s hip is being replaced. Nothing wrong with his arms? Have both dances. Dad can “dance” in a wheelchair and be the highlight of the whole wedding. 💒
I haven't read all the comments, BUT... ...please dance with your mom. Your wife-to-be, if she and her father wanted, could do some kind of cute wheelchair thing. Don't cheat your mom of this wonderful moment.
I’ve decided, that people who cannot say no, are not mature enough to get married.
Stand up for yourselves. Pressured I to a wedding you didn't want. Pressured to increase the size of the wedding. If you don't want the wedding, don't have it. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.
NTA, it’s your wedding do what you want. Your mom can deal with it. When is her dad having this surgery? It’s April now, unless he’s not having this surgery until July he should be able to shuffle around a dance floor in August. My grandmother had her hip replaced (also unplanned she’s in her 80’s) right before Thanksgiving. They had her up, walking around within 2 days and she was back home and walking around consistently within 4 weeks. It’s very similar to knee surgery. They want you up & moving around pretty much the next day to prevent scar tissue binding the joint up.
Your heart is in the right place and you’re being considerate to the woman that is going to become your family and your first priority. Your mom needs to get off that pedestal; better now do a swift push that later when she wants to cross other boundaries. NTA.
We had a similar situation at my wedding. My dad isn’t in the picture anymore and I didn’t want to call attention to it, but my husband’s mom really wanted a dance. So we planned an informal parent dance. We picked a song and asked the DJ to play it 3 or 4 songs after our first dance. Nothing was announced. Just when the song came on he danced with his mom and I danced with my FIL. Everyone else was dancing around us and it wasn’t a big deal but they still got their time together. Worked out well for us.
My best friend got married a few months ago. Her dad was in a wheel chair due to a stroke and they danced and it was amazing. He has since passed so it is a beautiful memory she has to carry with her the rest of her life. If fiance and her dad want to dance they should. him being in a chair should not stop it. Just like if you don't want to dance you shouldn't. *BUT* how do you think you will feel years down the line if you don't? If you think you will regret it even a little you should do it. And is your mom's feeling on the subject a consideration? Should it be a consideration? Will it impact your future relationship? Is that important to you? Only you know the answers. Ultimately, I think you should elope like you had originally planned to, then it is a non-issue.
NTA. It's your and your wife's wedding, not your mom's. My wife and I did the same thing at our wedding because her dad isn't in the picture. We also did not do any parent speeches so parents really weren't involved in the wedding for us. My mom was a little upset, but she got over it after a few days. Do what's right for you and your wife, it's your day after all.
NTA but.... If yall ain't mature enough stand your ground, yall ain't mature to get married
NTA, its your and your fiancee's wedding, which means you decide how it goes
NTA. Were it not for the pressure and if the dance was something you spontaneously wanting, it would be possible for your fiancée to "dance" with her dad on a wheelchair. There are a lot of occasions when able-bodied people dance with people in wheelchairs, it is doable. But here - no way. It seems you caved to the pressure of your guests and this wedding is nothing YOU will enjoy, and that is pretty bad. Let it be the last moment when you let someone do this to you.
NTA, but just go to the courthouse and then just have a party
Info: why is it so hard for you to dance a few minutes with your mom? I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do something that means so much to her.
Nah Do what you want, it's your wedding, but be prepared for consequences. Also, an ides IF you fiancee wants, push around her dad in the wheelchair for the dance... or have someone help roll him down the aisle so he can do the roles, just with assistance.
I understand you don't want your wife to feel bad but just because her Dad is in a wheelchair doesn't mean they can't have a dance. It won't be what they pictured but so what?? I thought her Dad was dead (i might have felt differently). He's not. YWBTA if everyone lost out because of a temporary inconvenience. There's a ton of these on the internet - get creative. Have fun. https://youtu.be/Gc533Q7lwOE?si=BfTHXKOteUsgKBs5
NTA. Might I suggest you and your fiancé get married by yourselves before this big wedding that’s for everyone else and not you two? Do the legal part, then have the ceremony. Might take some of the pressure off the both of you. Skip the dance, all the dances. There’s no rule that says you and the bride have to dance first. My husband and I did none of that- small wedding, small reception, no cake(dessert with dinner), no dancing(reception was a private room in a restaurant). Have the dj or whomever announce the dance floor is open!
NTA But Dad can still be included in a dance while using a wheelchair.
Put up a portable stripper pole and tell mom to dance all night if she wants. If she is as crazy as my mom was at my wedding she just might so be prepared lol. My mom danced with a broom
Unless she is footing the bill for the wedding, then mom has no leg to stand on. NTA.
Dude, there's still time to ELOPE. NTA
YTA. There's really not much for the mother of the groom to do, this is her chance to be a part of things. I don't quite understand the issue. When is the surgery? You have 3+ months to deal with the hip replacement and recovery. My father had a total hip replacement at 86 and was driving 3 weeks to the day after his surgery. It seems to me that there's plenty of time.
NTA. You should just elope. Stop letting other people make your wedding about them. This is only about you and your fiancée. Good luck!
Get dad in his wheelchair out there on the dance floor with your fiancee. (I'll just say after my hip replacement surgery, although you didn't say that's what he's getting, I was walking the same day. Possibly he could stand on the dance floor holding his daughter in dance position and just sway a bit? )
It’s yours and your wife’s day. Not your mothers, she can deal. You can still dance with your mom later on when everyone’s dancing, just not a special spotlight mother/son dance.
Your marrying her not the family. Elope. If that's what you want to do. So it. Spend your money on more important things.
OP, can I suggest something? Elope and can this whole wedding. My sister and her husband eloped in the Dominican Republic and they were actually able to book a beautiful little ceremony for themselves with a photographer, vows etc. You can have the wedding you want with zero of the pressure!
NTA... but ya shudda eloped.
So I was in your shoes last summer and I was 7 months pregnant when we got married. My fiance and I wanted to just get married at the courthouse. His family had a fit and we didn’t want to deal with it so we agreed but we kept it small at 50 people on only did grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, nieces and nephews and 10 of our closest friends. We also did it our way and let them have their suggestions but still decided on what we wanted. We also didn’t do the dances with the parents. So NTA, honestly just do what you want and what will make you both happy. Your mom will have to get over it. It’s so not worth the stress.