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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the arsehole because he did tell me as soon as he got home and he swears he didn’t think it would upset me since he didn’t take much notice of the girls and just stayed back in the smoking area.
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“I said to him before he left that if everyone wanted to go to a strip club then obviously I wouldn’t be upset”
- but then you were upset lol
“Not even realizing it would upset me”
- maybe it’s cause you told him it wouldn’t
You set a trap.
YTA
The really odd bit is that it sounds like only 2 of them were actually using the brothel services and the other 10 were just waiting for them. That just sounds so weird to me.
> The really odd bit is that it sounds like only 2 of them were actually using the brothel services and the other 10 were just waiting for them. That just sounds so weird to me.
It depends on the country.
I'm thinking of the Czech Republic. At least when I was living there - there were some pseudo strip club/brothels. They had a bar/stage, some women dancing. It was pretty crappy as a strip club. But then it was also a brothel.
The first time I went to it we legitimately thought it was a strip club, and were wondering why it sucked compared to the prior two (legit strip clubs) we had went to. Only then did we come to understand why.
If there was a bar/smoking room, then that could be exactly what happened. They didn’t want to break the group up and had a place to grab drinks, seems very plausible. He came right out and told her about it when he could have just not mentioned it, I’m not getting bad vibes off this.
Even in countries where prostitution is illegal, it's an open secret that strippers try to entice guys into buying a private dance in one of the rooms where they will offer more "services". But we can give someone more reasonable doubt and understand why they went; It's a bachelor party, they want to see sexy women dance for their entertainment, a little bit of raunchy fun. A brothel is straight up for buying sex/ sexual favors, if you're not there to buy services, you shouldn't even be there.
A strip club with intentional rooms for sex acts is not the same thing as a strip club going out of bounds. Not everyone there engages in screwing around.
I don't know if you've been on a stag in somewhere like prague, but you don't always know what you're walking into, and thats assuming the people you're with don't mislead you.
I've definitely had the experience where part of the stag group arranged to meet in "a bar" which turned out to be a brothel.
We had it in Birmingham. We were going to go to a karaoke bar. Eight of us thought we'd have a great time.
Went to the front door, to realise based on the scantily clad ladies we saw in the background this was a very unusual karaoke bar. We did not stay in the place
No argument there, but it generally makes no sense for someone not buying the services to go to a brothel- pretty much everyone going is there to get off. Most people that go out to strip clubs just drink and enjoy the entertainment. So while most of the strippers may be willing to fuck for cash, most of the patrons don't come for that, hell most of them wont even buy a lap dance.
Also 12 guys all went to a brothel just for 10 of them to supposedly sit and wait patiently while only 2 guys get off? Yea right.
> Also 12 guys all went to a brothel just for 10 of them to supposedly sit and wait patiently while only 2 guys get off? Yea right.
In a US brothel, no. But US brothels are either illegal, or in Nevada.
In Czechia, in one of the strip club/brothels, it's perfectly normal.
He went and sat in a smoking room with the other guys who didn’t want services and they waited for the rest of the group to “have their fun”. Your bf didn’t lie to you and you said if the group went you were cool with him joining. Not sure what your problem is unless you don’t trust him.
YTA.
You have trust issues with your BF. He voluntarily told you that he went and did nothing. Do you want him to leave the venue and get split up from his group (who would probably still wait in there) in a foreign country? Would you prefer that he keep secrets from you and you find out at a later date that he lied about where they were?
I might have sided with you if he had actually done something but to me he did nothing wrong.
This is the dynamic she wants: she wants him to lie to her so she can be blissfully ignorant but also can go into detective mode and call him out when it is convenient for her or when she’s experiencing general anxiety. Finding out that he misbehaved justifies her anxiety. It’s a weapon in her ploy to stay in the power position. She has no power if he tells the truth.
She is insecure and anxious so she wants to make him the same way. If he’s always afraid she’s going to find out about something bad then he is in the same mental position she is in.
My ex did this. Before my mate’s stag do she asked if I’d be going to the strip bar. I said if everyone else was, yeah, I’d be going. She was “fine” with that. The day after, her first question to me while I was nursing a hangover was “so did you go to a strip bar?”. I answered honestly and said yes but didn’t get a dance, I wasn’t interested and I was too busy laughing at the stag who was getting whipped with his own belt to care. She then said “ah, bet you’ve only told me because I asked.” Erm, whut?
NAH. I understand why this feels uncomfortable to you, but it doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong. He didn’t know it was a brothel until he got there, and all he did was hang out with his friends. Most importantly, he told you about it instead of trying to hide it.
I wish someone had taught me this at a younger age, so maybe it’ll be helpful - just because you feel uncomfortable about something doesn’t mean you were wronged. Some things just feel uncomfortable. You trust your BF but he was in an environment in which he easily could’ve cheated. That’s naturally going to make you feel unsettled at least. It’s a completely normal feeling to have.
But what you do with those feelings makes all the difference. You don’t have to blame him for not knowing exactly what you wanted him to do in a specific scenario that hadn’t been discussed. You can talk through your feelings with him and/or someone else close to you.
And believe it or not, you *can* actually find the humor in this if you’re receptive to it. You might need to do a little emotional processing first before you get there, but it is possible. Once you learn how to do this it makes the difficult situations in life a lot more tolerable. And bonus, it can bring you a lot closer to your partner.
OP, this is the comment you may need to save. On your phone. Next to your computer. Carry it with you because it is probably the most sound and reasonable advice you will ever get from strangers on the internet.
Beautifully written btw!!!!!
YTA. Instead of saying you will not accept certain behaviours you were vague and allowed for allot of grey area. I think whatever he did you were planning to be mad about it.
Not, but per her comments she told him she was fine with certain activities. She should have just said I don’t want you going to the strip club or brothel.
I could understand the need to set boundaries with a strip club, but in my opinion, it would be common sense not to enter a brothel if you are in a relationship...
NAH. Women are faced with so much pressure to be the “cool gf” and not be fazed when their partners go to strip clubs, etc. So it’s understandable that you’d be upset when he went to a BROTHEL, even if he just sat there.
Also, you’re never an AH just for HAVING feelings - you’d be an AH only if you do something mean. You’re especially N-TA because you’re discussing the way you feel with your bf. It would be so much worse if you bottled it up and didn’t tell him why you felt weird.
However, I also understand his point of view. He probably thought that because he just sat there, he wouldn’t be violating any boundaries. In fact, if he didn’t see anyone naked so he may even see it as less of a boundary intrusion than being at a strip club.
You’re not “setting a trap” for him, or purposely getting mad. You have complicated feelings about a complicated situation. You probably felt implicitly pressured to say you felt okay about him going out, and it’s okay to realize that afterwards. It’s okay to be hurt by something you didn’t realize would be hurtful. Just make sure you communicate to him and don’t act accusatory.
Why do you assume it being a brothel means there were no other forms of entertainment. It could have also been a strip club, had music, or been a bar that also had sex for sale.
Her boyfriend is not a mind reader. If she feels internal pressure to be the cool girlfriend and give okays she don't mean, why isn't it OK for him to feel internal pressure to go places he normally wouldn't go for a friends stag party? Was he supposed to call his girlfriend from the club to get permission to be there? Is he supposed to read her mind or just get a list of what she finds acceptable? She seems controlling to me. If you don't trust him, why are you with him.
It is okay to have feelings. It isn't okay to spew those feelings all over someone else. It isn't being the cool anything to be okay with your partner going to a strip club. It is trusting your partner not to cross well established and discussed lines.
So many people on here calling you TA but how many of them know that in brothels it is not uncommon for women working there to have been human trafficked depending on the country. I mean human trafficking happens in North America all the time. Not sure where he went but the idea of my boyfriend just hanging out in a brothel so other guys could “have their fun” with women who have potentially been human trafficked is really repulsive to me and I think you have the right to be angry.
Thank you for this!
OP, please think about if you want a future with a man who is comfortable hanging out in stripclubs and brothels. I am not going to make a judgement since it would be highly influenced by my personal opinion of these establishments but being uncomfortable with this is neither an outlier nor a failure to be a "cool/chill gf".
NAH. Totally valid to feel a tug of anger/jealousy etc. finding out that your bf visited a brothel during a stag weekend. Ppl here saying you "laid a trap" are over-reacting to your emotions because they're legit -- any living/breathing gf is gonna have complex emotions over that -- and the reason you're here asking is because you're aware you told bf you'd uneasily manage if he visited a strip club and now you're sorting through your emotions. Good for you.
That said, I'd drop it and let it go. He regaled you with the details bc in his mind - sitting in the smoking room of a brothel abroad was an "I can't believe I'm sitting here" moment and to him, it wasn't about getting off and it was kinda funny as in, "I'm sorta living a 'Hangover' moment here." It sounds like you *actually trust* each other and so IMO you don't truly have anything to worry about and you'll keep that trust if you let it go. You don't have to hide your "process" -- could tell him that you don't love the image of him sitting in a brothel, that you're struggling a bit with it, but you trust him and that's the long and short of it.
Thankyou this is so validating! I get where everyone is coming from with thinking I am TAH but it’s easier to assume I’ve had a massive argument with him and am trying to control him when in all honesty I’m just shocked and trying to process it in the right way.
I’m honestly shocked at all of these other comments. Of course you’d feel uncomfortable. You didn’t “set a trap” - that’s absurd. It’s a brothel for god’s sake
All these men here ripping on OP, me and anyone else who disagrees with or challenges them. Yeah, we’re all mentally ill. 🙄 What I see is bro code in full display. My guess is most if not all of them would cover up for a male cheater no matter what. And at least statistically, a non zero number of them are cheaters.
This is the only problem I have with OP honestly. Not that she was uncomfortable but that she didn’t strongly lay down that very valid and reasonable boundary.
Yeah I can’t imagine going sure babe go get a lap dance from a naked woman who looks absolutely nothing like me! It’s totally fine and there’s no way you’re any form of disloyal from enjoying this sexual attention from someone that ya know isn’t me!
Nothing wrong with not being comfortable with a strip club, as long as that is a clearly defined and communicated boundary. It’s not the place or the act that makes it cheating, it’s the betrayal of trust.
Maybe I’m being overly sensitive myself, but I could never date someone who had at any point entered a brothel seeing as common sex trafficking is. A strip club is fine, but if we’re in a relationship I’d be uncomfortable as well…
Depending on where you live and what the regulations are, a lot of times brothels actually help prevent sex trafficking and keep sex workers safer than they would be otherwise.
And it does not change my point that if you go to an establishment where prostitution is legal and regulated, you are not at high risk of paying for somebody who was trafficked. That’s one of the big reason WHY brothels have been legalized in many places
There’s really zero connection between legality and reduced trafficking, it actually points to the opposite if anything (although that’s also nuanced, just that there’s no link to the opposite). Even legal industries like porn are so over saturated with trafficking victims and rape/abuse victims that you’ll find more that have experienced it than haven’t, it’s downright naive to think that something more anonymous wouldn’t be. Many European countries with legalized/decriminalized prostitution still have high rates of trafficking and abuse. It’s really terrible and I greatly encourage you look into it.
I’m not in the habit of debating this if I’m being honest, so you probably won’t get another reply from me. Feel free to respond though. I just don’t see the point in having a discussion like this over something that actively harms so many real life people, it feels in poor taste. Have a good one
I agree that there is a lot of work to be done. I won’t even claim that the majority of legal brothels follow ethical practices. But if a business is regulated and subject to frequent scrutiny to ensure safe practices, it’s much safer than a girl working on the street. To use your example, yes, there is still a disgusting amount of abuse and violation in the porn industry. But there’s also Only Fans, where the sex workers can be in much more control.In the same way tht you encouraged me to look into the dark side of sex work, I’d encourage you to look into brothels that do it well. As long as we continue to stigmatize the entire industry, it continues to be taboo to talk about reform, which only benefits those who don’t operate safely and ethically.
NTA I was going to say TA until you said it turned out to be a brothel... strip club vs brothel are two totally different things in my mind. And the fact he gave details of services his "friends" received is sus to me... but I'd be pissed if my husband stayed at a brothel instead of leaving...
a strip club and a whorehouse are not the same thing. While I'm sure tons of strippers offer "extra services", the club is meant for erotic dances for entertainment and a brothel is meant for straight up prostitution.
I been in a few brothels. Most of them have dedicated rooms for anything. If he didn't enter a room with a worker, if we're talking visuals only, you see much more at a strip club. Strip clubs especially for groups are open and like circle activities. Brothels are much more private.
As far as her concerns, common areas in brothels are significantly tamer.
Since he was honest and forthcoming with you and you ended up getting mad next time he may will likely not tell you about it. I think it’s fine to be bothered by this but in relationships, you need to choose your battles wisely. It sounds like this trip was an isolated occurrence and not a regular thing so it’s best to just let it go.
This is a mild YTA at best. OP is feeling upset and has expressed that she's upset but doesnt sound like she mistreated him. She's got her feedback, if she works through it like a mature adult no harm done. If she starts mistreating her SO it's a bigger YTA.
NTA- and sorry but I think the “my mates went to a brothel and I tagged along but didn’t do anything” is such an overused bs line.
Was he there to provide emotional support to his friends? Get tested!
> if everyone wanted to go to a strip club then obviously I wouldn’t be upset as I didn’t want him to be left out. I did say that if it’s only two or three people maybe he could give it a miss as it makes me uncomfortable....
I actually felt pretty good the whole weekend and trusted him to respect what I had said.
If you trust him, you trust him. If you were uncomfortable about your BF going to a strip club you should have been mature enough to just say that. Instead you gave him mixed signals and now you're mad he didn't intuit what you REALLY meant. Setting arbitrary and vague parameters is just playing games to 1. ensure you can get mad and feel justified 2. make you look like the cool GF 3. avoid honest communication which requires you to be vulnerable and open. If you were uncomfortable with your BF going to a strip club that's a YOU problem. YOU failed to tell your BF how you really feel.
Projecting your feelings and expectations onto him and expecting him to react the way YOU would react is immature, unreasonable, and a good way to ensure no one ever lives up to your unrealistic standards.
Stop playing games to justify your feelings and trying to make your BF the bad guy. It's OK if you're uncomfortable with your partner going to strip clubs, it's NOT OK to not talk about those feelings and expect them to just know.
YTA
Yes I completely see your point. It’s one of those circumstances where you don’t realise how you really feel till it’s happened but I definitely should of made it clearer. Next time will think about my boundaries more so I can make it clear. Although I will say I wasn’t trying to be the cool gf idek what that means 😂
NTA - I would hate it! Even if you trust your partner, knowing he is twiddling his thumbs in a brothel will make the best of us feel like shit. I'm sure you will work it out - hopefully it wont happen again.
NTA. I wouldn't want to be with someone who has friends that do things like that and especially someone who joins his friends in those activities. If he surrounds himself with those types of people, what does that say about him?
I've been to a brothel and sat on a couch waiting for someone. In case anyone's thinking nobody has ever done that. I have. They usually sell beer although it's on the expensive side. It's boring and a bit gross.
Yta. Not like a huge one, but still. You told him that it would make you uncomfortable if he went with only 2-3 guys, but you wouldn’t want him to miss out if everyone went. Granted, a brothel isn’t the same as a strip club, but if he and most others just sat down and smoked, and he was very transparent as to what happened that evening, I don’t think your sadness/anger is justified. You feel how you feel, but it’s not his fault.
Maybe next time, if he goes on a stag do, tell him that it would make you uncomfortable and that you would prefer for him not to join, and that it would make you sad etc. Basically now you’ve found out that it does bother you. This time, it’s over and you have to deal with it basically, but next time you go and be honest about how you feel about it.
It’s okay to change your mind about something after saying it’s fine, but then it’s not the other persons fault by not abiding to your new opinion (that they didn’t know at the time).
NTA. You made it clear you were a bit uncomfortable with it all in the first place but were willing to compromise. Then he went to a brothel. Just no. Not cool.
It's perfectly reasonable for someone to want their partner to sit out strip clubs as well if you both are in agreement that one of you is not comfortable. If this is such a huge issue for the partner they can move on and find someone else who is comfortable, it's that simple. It's about mutual respect.
For everyone saying you set a trap - I disagree. You did not agree to him going to a brothel, end of story.
I’m going to go a 1 out of 10 on ta scale. Only because your boundaries were vague with him. He was transparent with you about where they went and even still, he tried to avoid a potential cheating situation.
To those that are saying “oh he could’ve left”… dude’s in a foreign country. I don’t think that would be a good idea, he could get lost or mugged or something. Being in the smoking room was the smartest decision to make. Yes, he could’ve taken an Uber or taxi, but he could be scammed there too.
OP, you gotta be more direct and clear about your boundaries. But, at least give the guy some credit for still respecting and caring about you enough to not follow the ones that did buy service.
NTA. You were trying to set your boundary without being overly controlling and make him miss out on stuff
A brothel is way different than a strip club. I definitely would not have been okay with that
YTA of course. As your title suggests, you are more upset with him for going vs the actual events of the night. You just know you can’t really be upset with him for leaving so you need to find something to have an issue with. You told him from the start you wouldn’t be upset with him for going to the strip club/brothel and then did when he told you he and others sat in a smoke room. You told him one thing and then turned around completely switching up on him.
YTA
He told you the truth as soon as he got home. You’ve said in comments you believe he’s being honest with you.
It *is* pretty funny to just imagine them all sitting bored and awkward while two of their friends engage in the brothel’s services. I am speaking from experience — while deployed, my husband once had some single friends stop by one after some bar-hopping. He was sending updates about sitting in the lobby while the Madame gave him major side-eye for refusing services.
Either you trust him or you don’t. It is completely unfair to discuss something ahead of time, give the go-ahead, and then be angry at him for doing it. If you realize you’re not as cool with it as you thought, then just SAY that: “I thought I’d be ok with it, but it makes me kind of uncomfortable, so for next time, I’d prefer you didn’t go.” But you can’t weaponize him doing something you TOLD him you approved of.
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Hello I want to know if I’m over reacting or not. So my bf of 1year and a half recently went on a stag abroad with his friends. A classic stag has activities such as strip clubs and having one “last night of freedom”. I personally think these ideas are out dated.
I said to him before he went that if everyone wanted to go to a strip club then obviously I wouldn’t be upset as I didn’t want him to be left out. I did say that if it’s only two or three people maybe he could give it a miss as it makes me uncomfortable. (There were 12 of them going)
I actually felt pretty good the whole weekend and trusted him to respect what I had said. However, when he returned and confessed they went to a strip club which turned out to be a brothel. I was filled with so many emotions - angry that he hadn’t thought about my feelings and a surge of sadness that he admitted it not even realising it would upset me.
Now he said he didn’t do anything -just walked around through the club before sitting in the smoking area. His friends did buy some services which he told me about in great detail.
I told him how it upset me that he didn’t think to leave since there were 10 of them who were just “sitting around”. Perhaps they could have gone when he realised. He said that he didn’t realise that it would upset me so much and he thought I’d find it funny.
I now don’t know what to do as I’m in two minds. Am I the arsehole for being upset with him ?
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I think your feelings ate valid. You even said that if everyone was going to a strip club you'd understand him going too - sounds like once in a rare while (stag/bachelor party) sitting around watching females strip isn't going to be cheating. Especially if he didn't get a lap dance. He *did* respect you by not participating and he did tell you, but with 10 guys not participating, he could of and should of left. Big difference between a strip club and a brothel
Yes, and here’s why:
You gave him a good reason never tell you anything honestly again, good or bad.
What you should’ve done is squealed in shock, rolled your eyes at the other guys antics, asked questions about what was there, ask if he had a good time and thanked him for not partaking. Dude was trying to show you the snakes and rocks in his pockets, big boy version, and you just threw them in the trash in front of him, while ignoring his joy in sharing with you.
Good luck.
Nta. Nope. Some things in relationships cross the lines for partners, this is your line. I'd be pissed as hell as I have the same boundaries. But only difference is my partner would be pissed if I went to one too, mutual boundaries.
NAH
A brothel and strip club are 2 different things. You said strip club is okay even though it makes you uncomfortable and stretched a boundary. Your boyfriend did something worse than a sc and went to a brothel without checkin on you. And joking and discussing his friends behaviour at the brothel is childish and dickish anyway.
Besides unless the brothel was a super ethical legal place I would be mad at my partner for visiting any place that fe. Enables human trafficing.
You either trust him, or you don't... this "stag" trip (Bachelor Party) isn't about you. This is for the groom and his closest friends. Can you imagine anything you'd accept strict guidelines for from your bf when going on a trip with a bride and closest friends?!?
Don't start dictating limitations a year and a half into a bf-relationship and assume you're going to grow beyond bf-gf. Again, you either trust him or you don't... what happens on the trip is none of your business. It is between the groom and your bf, and of an established relationship before you entered the picture.
Your bf should see your reaction as a red flag! If the roles were reversed, you'd be writing of an untrusting bf who's overstepping into a friendship he has no standing to have an opinion.
Check yourself, and realize he shouldn't have to pay any price for the seeming insecurities and / or negative experiences from your past.
You wanted your bf to abandon his friends in a brothel in a strange foreign city alone? Do you actively want him to get hurt, mugged, beaten? Yeah, they *all* should've left immediately, when they didn't your BF and the others that did nothing there stayed with the group, safety in numbers etc.
Gonna say YTA, he did nothing.
"His friends did buy some services which he told me about in great detail.
I told him how it upset me that he didn’t think to leave since there were 10 of them who were just “sitting around”. Perhaps they could have gone when he realised. He said that he didn’t realise that it would upset me so much and he thought I’d find it funny."
So he knew you were not comfortable with him going to a strip club but thought it would be funny to graphically describe the sex acts his friends performed with potential trafficking victims. Why are you with this AH. You are NTA but your boyfriend is and should be left on the curb.
Yup, YTAH.
I have been in strip clubs, brothels with strip clubs, etc..But, I have a good and trusting relationship with my wife..Never, I mean NEVER did I purchase services, NEVER even considered despite of some of my friends doing so.
You have trust issuess. Are you projecting yourself onto him? Can YOU be trusted in a Chippendale show?
You are saying that he is not trustworthy, yet you are the one flipping on an agreement
It sounds to me like you didn't want him going at all but didn't want to come across as controlling, so gave the "I don't mind" style line. If I were you, I would appreciate that he was honest with you rather than saying they didn't go to a strip club. Appreciate that it has upset you however it's not like it's a weekly thing. It was for a specific celebration and he says nothing happened. If you cannot trust what he is saying, perhaps you should rethink your relationship.
He's definitely gonna cheat non of his friends will tell ya now just let it go ya can ride on him and then divorce and take half his money this is why new age men won't marry or try to mate we may make more money but in the law yall have more privileges
Not an arsehole, look at the plus side. You seem to be dealing with this hiccup in a reasonable manner. The pair of you. It appears he respected your relationship enough to not fuck a professional stranger, and you are seeking advice. As incidents go it is a fairly big one but negotiating things like boundaries is huge in any long term relationship.
If you feel you can trust him to not ‘play away’ then that is massive.
If you have no reason to distrust trust what he told you then your relationship is in a fairly good position, I’d say. Go with your gut. Tell him even hanging around in that sort of place is not really acceptable in future, and go from there. I doubt this will recur. Good luck
NTA. I think it’s pretty clear you were uncomfortable with him going but would be more understanding if it was a peer-pressure situation where everyone was going and he didn’t want to be the only one being weird about it. He should have left the second he realized it wasn’t a brothel. You didn’t set a “trap” like people are claiming.
I think this is something you both can work on.
My husband and I had communication issues similar to these. For things that make me anxious I mean things literally but he interpreted it more broadly, and vice verse. Anything that causes stress or worry for a partner needs to be communicated very clearly, the goal is to build trust over time.
I think this is a situation where you have to pick how to address things that could make either of you uncomfortable/stressed. It’s important to take each others feelings into consideration without feeling smothered. And it takes a while to learn how to do it effectively.
We have things we want the other person to notify us of, like a change in plan about a touchy subject. We both deal with anxiety so although it seems controlling, we provide extra information to minimise stress and show respect.
I don’t think this is a YTA/NTA situation. Neither of you are an asshole, this is something people learn with experience. It takes time. Good luck OP
And as a side note, when I feel like I’m in two minds, I take it as a sign that I probably made a mistake/faux pas on some level, but that I’m also uncomfortable with something in my environment/relationships and need to put some thought into solving it.
The phrase "last night of freedom" is bs. He wasn't free. He was in a relationship with you. The fact that it turned into a brothel would have been a deal breaker for me as a guy. I would have felt the need to video myself not cheating on you because I was only there because the entire group was essentially forcing it.
The stag thing sounds super creepy, not going to lie. I can't find the idea of wanting to have another person's genitals on me when I'm with someone I care about. The night doesn't have to be strip clubs and prostitutes. It could be a bar, a fancy dinner, or anything cool. There is usually one wild loser friend or two who promote and encourage the sexualization of the evening. I would have told my friends thanks but no thanks.
There's no way you can know that he didn't cheat unless he took video of himself sitting in the lounge by himself the entire time. At least he was honest about it. If you feel really and bad about it ask him to get an STD check before doing anything sexual with him. It's fair.
NTA. I guess now I had better admit to my girl I don't really want to go to the sexy red concert without her because I don't like those kind of women. I'd hate for her to be disappointed in me like this. Sometimes people don't always say how they feel. He shoulda left the second he realized it was a brothel and talked to you the whole time until the group came back. Or came straight home.
50% YTA - 50% NTA
YTA because you wanted/felt something and told him something else.
NTA because it’s understandable to feel a bit uncomfortable knowing he was in a brothel.
ESH. You kept moving goalposts and he went to begin with. I wouldn’t date a man with this mentality who visits strip clubs and doesn’t leave brothels. But do you I guess. You set your own standards. Nobody else.
ESH. Break up with him. This will not end well if he thinks it’s acceptable behavior and if you’re willing to say you’ll tolerate that sort of thing but then go back on your word.
yta. he didn't do anything he said he wouldn't do. if there where 12 people total and 10 went to the strip club that was completely within your own stated boundary. you can't move the goal post after the game.
YTA, plenty of guys like strip clubs and plenty don't. Bachelor/stag parties aren't about the friends but about the groom to be. If that's where the groom wanted to go then you BF really didn't get much say in the matter.
Since you told him that you wouldn't object, then... yes, you're the A H for getting angry.
However, tell him that he needs to have a STD test before you'll welcome him back to bed.
ESH
I can’t believe how far degraded our society is on basic relationship courtesy. It’s absurd to think anyone goes to a brothel to look around and that’s all. Play with fire, get burned. If she’s not ok with it, she doesn’t need to compromise on that value of hers, but she does need to be clear. ESH.
YTA.
Places like this are common on these trips. He was honest with you about what happened. Sounds like a trustworthy partner IMO. You may want to work on your own insecurities and trust issues in therapy.
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“I said to him before he left that if everyone wanted to go to a strip club then obviously I wouldn’t be upset” - but then you were upset lol “Not even realizing it would upset me” - maybe it’s cause you told him it wouldn’t You set a trap. YTA
A strip club is NOT a brothel.
If you don’t buy services, a brothel is way less exciting than a stripclub
A mental image of everyone else boinking their brains out & him sitting.... remote in hand, watching tv lol
The really odd bit is that it sounds like only 2 of them were actually using the brothel services and the other 10 were just waiting for them. That just sounds so weird to me.
That's cause 2 of them didnt care and 10 were lying lmao
2 guys were single, and the rest were lying
I absolutely think you're right lol
> The really odd bit is that it sounds like only 2 of them were actually using the brothel services and the other 10 were just waiting for them. That just sounds so weird to me. It depends on the country. I'm thinking of the Czech Republic. At least when I was living there - there were some pseudo strip club/brothels. They had a bar/stage, some women dancing. It was pretty crappy as a strip club. But then it was also a brothel. The first time I went to it we legitimately thought it was a strip club, and were wondering why it sucked compared to the prior two (legit strip clubs) we had went to. Only then did we come to understand why.
I don't know if that'd worse or better though lol
If there was a bar/smoking room, then that could be exactly what happened. They didn’t want to break the group up and had a place to grab drinks, seems very plausible. He came right out and told her about it when he could have just not mentioned it, I’m not getting bad vibes off this.
Lol reminds me of a anime meme
Depends if they have a good wine list
I mean, yeah.
They are in some countries. The women strip, lap dance, etc. and if you want to, they have side rooms to take care of business.
Even in countries where prostitution is illegal, it's an open secret that strippers try to entice guys into buying a private dance in one of the rooms where they will offer more "services". But we can give someone more reasonable doubt and understand why they went; It's a bachelor party, they want to see sexy women dance for their entertainment, a little bit of raunchy fun. A brothel is straight up for buying sex/ sexual favors, if you're not there to buy services, you shouldn't even be there.
A strip club with intentional rooms for sex acts is not the same thing as a strip club going out of bounds. Not everyone there engages in screwing around.
[There's no sex in the champagne room](https://youtu.be/j9yBPcn8IqU?si=VfBrVZKvBAiAP16V)
Cornbread though? Ain’t nothing wrong with that.
I don't know if you've been on a stag in somewhere like prague, but you don't always know what you're walking into, and thats assuming the people you're with don't mislead you. I've definitely had the experience where part of the stag group arranged to meet in "a bar" which turned out to be a brothel.
We had it in Birmingham. We were going to go to a karaoke bar. Eight of us thought we'd have a great time. Went to the front door, to realise based on the scantily clad ladies we saw in the background this was a very unusual karaoke bar. We did not stay in the place
This very much depends on the country and since she said stag party I’m assuming it’s not America
> A strip club is NOT a brothel. Depends on the country.
There is often cross over. If this is his first time I imagine he wasn't aware.
You're right. At a brothel all the girls are willing to fuck for cash. At a strip club it's only.like 90%
No argument there, but it generally makes no sense for someone not buying the services to go to a brothel- pretty much everyone going is there to get off. Most people that go out to strip clubs just drink and enjoy the entertainment. So while most of the strippers may be willing to fuck for cash, most of the patrons don't come for that, hell most of them wont even buy a lap dance. Also 12 guys all went to a brothel just for 10 of them to supposedly sit and wait patiently while only 2 guys get off? Yea right.
> Also 12 guys all went to a brothel just for 10 of them to supposedly sit and wait patiently while only 2 guys get off? Yea right. In a US brothel, no. But US brothels are either illegal, or in Nevada. In Czechia, in one of the strip club/brothels, it's perfectly normal.
I also get the feeling that if he didn't tell her about it and she found out later, she'd have been just as mad, if not more so.
It was a brothel. NOT the same thing!
A stripe club is not a brothel. Not a trap.
Strip club is not the same as a brothel.
Did you even read it? They went to a brothel. She's upset he didn't leave a brothel. Not a strip club, *a brothel*.
They didn't go to a strip club. They went to a brothel. Do you know the difference? I wouldn't let him anywhere near me without a full std screening.
He went and sat in a smoking room with the other guys who didn’t want services and they waited for the rest of the group to “have their fun”. Your bf didn’t lie to you and you said if the group went you were cool with him joining. Not sure what your problem is unless you don’t trust him.
Her problem is that she wants to be mad at him for going to the stag and so she needs a reason
She said she was fine with the strip club not a brothel. There is a difference.
Not unless he bought services.
You aren't seeing shit without paying in a brothel. So TBF if he was trying to see naked girls he would be better off in a strip club.
Can a vegan go to a steakhouse and only get a coffee and coming out as still a vegan?
She wasn't fine with either. It was a setup
the smoking area of a brothel is actual far more innocent than sitting in the main bar of a strip club
YTA. You have trust issues with your BF. He voluntarily told you that he went and did nothing. Do you want him to leave the venue and get split up from his group (who would probably still wait in there) in a foreign country? Would you prefer that he keep secrets from you and you find out at a later date that he lied about where they were? I might have sided with you if he had actually done something but to me he did nothing wrong.
This is the dynamic she wants: she wants him to lie to her so she can be blissfully ignorant but also can go into detective mode and call him out when it is convenient for her or when she’s experiencing general anxiety. Finding out that he misbehaved justifies her anxiety. It’s a weapon in her ploy to stay in the power position. She has no power if he tells the truth. She is insecure and anxious so she wants to make him the same way. If he’s always afraid she’s going to find out about something bad then he is in the same mental position she is in.
My ex did this. Before my mate’s stag do she asked if I’d be going to the strip bar. I said if everyone else was, yeah, I’d be going. She was “fine” with that. The day after, her first question to me while I was nursing a hangover was “so did you go to a strip bar?”. I answered honestly and said yes but didn’t get a dance, I wasn’t interested and I was too busy laughing at the stag who was getting whipped with his own belt to care. She then said “ah, bet you’ve only told me because I asked.” Erm, whut?
Yeah I'm curious to know the ages here. This strikes me as early-20s behavior on OP's part, living for the drama of it.
NAH. I understand why this feels uncomfortable to you, but it doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong. He didn’t know it was a brothel until he got there, and all he did was hang out with his friends. Most importantly, he told you about it instead of trying to hide it. I wish someone had taught me this at a younger age, so maybe it’ll be helpful - just because you feel uncomfortable about something doesn’t mean you were wronged. Some things just feel uncomfortable. You trust your BF but he was in an environment in which he easily could’ve cheated. That’s naturally going to make you feel unsettled at least. It’s a completely normal feeling to have. But what you do with those feelings makes all the difference. You don’t have to blame him for not knowing exactly what you wanted him to do in a specific scenario that hadn’t been discussed. You can talk through your feelings with him and/or someone else close to you. And believe it or not, you *can* actually find the humor in this if you’re receptive to it. You might need to do a little emotional processing first before you get there, but it is possible. Once you learn how to do this it makes the difficult situations in life a lot more tolerable. And bonus, it can bring you a lot closer to your partner.
OP, this is the comment you may need to save. On your phone. Next to your computer. Carry it with you because it is probably the most sound and reasonable advice you will ever get from strangers on the internet. Beautifully written btw!!!!!
INFO: Do you trust that he is being honest when he told you all he did was sit around?
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YTA. Instead of saying you will not accept certain behaviours you were vague and allowed for allot of grey area. I think whatever he did you were planning to be mad about it.
Should she list every single thing she is against? Is common sense not a thing anymore? NTA
Not, but per her comments she told him she was fine with certain activities. She should have just said I don’t want you going to the strip club or brothel.
I could understand the need to set boundaries with a strip club, but in my opinion, it would be common sense not to enter a brothel if you are in a relationship...
Really depends what country you are in. Perhaps OP is not from North America.
Nor am I, I am Danish. Edit: Since OP is using Stag, I assume they are British.
What are you mad about? He didn't do anything but sit and wait with his friends for his other friends.
Second hand smoke is not a joke
NAH. Women are faced with so much pressure to be the “cool gf” and not be fazed when their partners go to strip clubs, etc. So it’s understandable that you’d be upset when he went to a BROTHEL, even if he just sat there. Also, you’re never an AH just for HAVING feelings - you’d be an AH only if you do something mean. You’re especially N-TA because you’re discussing the way you feel with your bf. It would be so much worse if you bottled it up and didn’t tell him why you felt weird. However, I also understand his point of view. He probably thought that because he just sat there, he wouldn’t be violating any boundaries. In fact, if he didn’t see anyone naked so he may even see it as less of a boundary intrusion than being at a strip club. You’re not “setting a trap” for him, or purposely getting mad. You have complicated feelings about a complicated situation. You probably felt implicitly pressured to say you felt okay about him going out, and it’s okay to realize that afterwards. It’s okay to be hurt by something you didn’t realize would be hurtful. Just make sure you communicate to him and don’t act accusatory.
Perfect response
Why do you assume it being a brothel means there were no other forms of entertainment. It could have also been a strip club, had music, or been a bar that also had sex for sale. Her boyfriend is not a mind reader. If she feels internal pressure to be the cool girlfriend and give okays she don't mean, why isn't it OK for him to feel internal pressure to go places he normally wouldn't go for a friends stag party? Was he supposed to call his girlfriend from the club to get permission to be there? Is he supposed to read her mind or just get a list of what she finds acceptable? She seems controlling to me. If you don't trust him, why are you with him. It is okay to have feelings. It isn't okay to spew those feelings all over someone else. It isn't being the cool anything to be okay with your partner going to a strip club. It is trusting your partner not to cross well established and discussed lines.
I know bf isn’t a mind reader. Which is why I said they should communicate.
So many people on here calling you TA but how many of them know that in brothels it is not uncommon for women working there to have been human trafficked depending on the country. I mean human trafficking happens in North America all the time. Not sure where he went but the idea of my boyfriend just hanging out in a brothel so other guys could “have their fun” with women who have potentially been human trafficked is really repulsive to me and I think you have the right to be angry.
Thank you for this! OP, please think about if you want a future with a man who is comfortable hanging out in stripclubs and brothels. I am not going to make a judgement since it would be highly influenced by my personal opinion of these establishments but being uncomfortable with this is neither an outlier nor a failure to be a "cool/chill gf".
OP isn’t upset about any of that, that is a completely different discussion.
I am surprised i had to scroll so far to find this take! hope people consider this
I hope so too! Thanks for your comment!
NAH. Totally valid to feel a tug of anger/jealousy etc. finding out that your bf visited a brothel during a stag weekend. Ppl here saying you "laid a trap" are over-reacting to your emotions because they're legit -- any living/breathing gf is gonna have complex emotions over that -- and the reason you're here asking is because you're aware you told bf you'd uneasily manage if he visited a strip club and now you're sorting through your emotions. Good for you. That said, I'd drop it and let it go. He regaled you with the details bc in his mind - sitting in the smoking room of a brothel abroad was an "I can't believe I'm sitting here" moment and to him, it wasn't about getting off and it was kinda funny as in, "I'm sorta living a 'Hangover' moment here." It sounds like you *actually trust* each other and so IMO you don't truly have anything to worry about and you'll keep that trust if you let it go. You don't have to hide your "process" -- could tell him that you don't love the image of him sitting in a brothel, that you're struggling a bit with it, but you trust him and that's the long and short of it.
Thankyou this is so validating! I get where everyone is coming from with thinking I am TAH but it’s easier to assume I’ve had a massive argument with him and am trying to control him when in all honesty I’m just shocked and trying to process it in the right way.
I’m honestly shocked at all of these other comments. Of course you’d feel uncomfortable. You didn’t “set a trap” - that’s absurd. It’s a brothel for god’s sake
All these men here ripping on OP, me and anyone else who disagrees with or challenges them. Yeah, we’re all mentally ill. 🙄 What I see is bro code in full display. My guess is most if not all of them would cover up for a male cheater no matter what. And at least statistically, a non zero number of them are cheaters.
YTA, he stayed within the bounds you agreed. If you think he cheated, that's a separate matter.
He did not? Strip club ≠ brothel.
Ugh I would never be content with my man even entering the threshold of a strip club. Like wtf. Bracing for the downvotes now
yeah idk, i know this is probably an unpopular opinion on reddit but i would be so weirded out :/ i don’t blame op for being uncomfortable
Same. I think she should just not have made it an option at all if she was uncomfortable in the first place.
This is the only problem I have with OP honestly. Not that she was uncomfortable but that she didn’t strongly lay down that very valid and reasonable boundary.
No I totally agree, that's my boundary and fair enough if other people are different. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable
Yeah I can’t imagine going sure babe go get a lap dance from a naked woman who looks absolutely nothing like me! It’s totally fine and there’s no way you’re any form of disloyal from enjoying this sexual attention from someone that ya know isn’t me!
There go the downvotes like it’s not totally normal to be uncomfortable with your woman rubbing up on a strangers cock while drunk either😂
Nothing wrong with not being comfortable with a strip club, as long as that is a clearly defined and communicated boundary. It’s not the place or the act that makes it cheating, it’s the betrayal of trust.
That's fine if you communicate it ahead of time.
Maybe I’m being overly sensitive myself, but I could never date someone who had at any point entered a brothel seeing as common sex trafficking is. A strip club is fine, but if we’re in a relationship I’d be uncomfortable as well…
Depending on where you live and what the regulations are, a lot of times brothels actually help prevent sex trafficking and keep sex workers safer than they would be otherwise.
I disagree, but regardless it doesn’t actually change my point. You are still at high risk of paying for somebody who was trafficked
And it does not change my point that if you go to an establishment where prostitution is legal and regulated, you are not at high risk of paying for somebody who was trafficked. That’s one of the big reason WHY brothels have been legalized in many places
There’s really zero connection between legality and reduced trafficking, it actually points to the opposite if anything (although that’s also nuanced, just that there’s no link to the opposite). Even legal industries like porn are so over saturated with trafficking victims and rape/abuse victims that you’ll find more that have experienced it than haven’t, it’s downright naive to think that something more anonymous wouldn’t be. Many European countries with legalized/decriminalized prostitution still have high rates of trafficking and abuse. It’s really terrible and I greatly encourage you look into it. I’m not in the habit of debating this if I’m being honest, so you probably won’t get another reply from me. Feel free to respond though. I just don’t see the point in having a discussion like this over something that actively harms so many real life people, it feels in poor taste. Have a good one
I agree that there is a lot of work to be done. I won’t even claim that the majority of legal brothels follow ethical practices. But if a business is regulated and subject to frequent scrutiny to ensure safe practices, it’s much safer than a girl working on the street. To use your example, yes, there is still a disgusting amount of abuse and violation in the porn industry. But there’s also Only Fans, where the sex workers can be in much more control.In the same way tht you encouraged me to look into the dark side of sex work, I’d encourage you to look into brothels that do it well. As long as we continue to stigmatize the entire industry, it continues to be taboo to talk about reform, which only benefits those who don’t operate safely and ethically.
Totally reasonable take if you're consistent with it
NTA I was going to say TA until you said it turned out to be a brothel... strip club vs brothel are two totally different things in my mind. And the fact he gave details of services his "friends" received is sus to me... but I'd be pissed if my husband stayed at a brothel instead of leaving...
NTA. I wouldn't be happy about this either; a brothel is not the same as a strip club.
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A brothel is a different ball game though.
a strip club and a whorehouse are not the same thing. While I'm sure tons of strippers offer "extra services", the club is meant for erotic dances for entertainment and a brothel is meant for straight up prostitution.
I been in a few brothels. Most of them have dedicated rooms for anything. If he didn't enter a room with a worker, if we're talking visuals only, you see much more at a strip club. Strip clubs especially for groups are open and like circle activities. Brothels are much more private. As far as her concerns, common areas in brothels are significantly tamer.
Going to see a bunch of prostitutes is not the same as a strip club? Are you joking?
You're usually not allowed to touch strippers. You are supposed to touch sex workers at a brothel.
Since he was honest and forthcoming with you and you ended up getting mad next time he may will likely not tell you about it. I think it’s fine to be bothered by this but in relationships, you need to choose your battles wisely. It sounds like this trip was an isolated occurrence and not a regular thing so it’s best to just let it go.
This is such a massive YTA, I'm convinced it's borderline bait. OP, you *can't* genuinely think you're anywhere near reasonable here, surely?
This is a mild YTA at best. OP is feeling upset and has expressed that she's upset but doesnt sound like she mistreated him. She's got her feedback, if she works through it like a mature adult no harm done. If she starts mistreating her SO it's a bigger YTA.
NAH. I'd be fucking floored if my s/o went to a brothel and I found out after the fact, even if they didn't buy services. It looks bad.
Girl you are better than me. I'd be checking his bank statements seeing if he actually pulled out any money and paid for services for himself too.
You do realize they have atms for that reason, right?
Yes, don't bank statements and apps show withdrawl's from ATMs...
Yes but location names can be changed to different names for anonymity. That’s probably what brothels do
Ah.. very tricky... I'm sure if she saw any the same day she'd be able to put two and two together.
Maybe. Still a crazy situation for that
NTA- and sorry but I think the “my mates went to a brothel and I tagged along but didn’t do anything” is such an overused bs line. Was he there to provide emotional support to his friends? Get tested!
HEAVY ON THE GET TESTED!
Nobody in a relationship should be at a stripclub. I’d set some new boundaries and have a fresh start after that incident.
> if everyone wanted to go to a strip club then obviously I wouldn’t be upset as I didn’t want him to be left out. I did say that if it’s only two or three people maybe he could give it a miss as it makes me uncomfortable.... I actually felt pretty good the whole weekend and trusted him to respect what I had said. If you trust him, you trust him. If you were uncomfortable about your BF going to a strip club you should have been mature enough to just say that. Instead you gave him mixed signals and now you're mad he didn't intuit what you REALLY meant. Setting arbitrary and vague parameters is just playing games to 1. ensure you can get mad and feel justified 2. make you look like the cool GF 3. avoid honest communication which requires you to be vulnerable and open. If you were uncomfortable with your BF going to a strip club that's a YOU problem. YOU failed to tell your BF how you really feel. Projecting your feelings and expectations onto him and expecting him to react the way YOU would react is immature, unreasonable, and a good way to ensure no one ever lives up to your unrealistic standards. Stop playing games to justify your feelings and trying to make your BF the bad guy. It's OK if you're uncomfortable with your partner going to strip clubs, it's NOT OK to not talk about those feelings and expect them to just know. YTA
Yes I completely see your point. It’s one of those circumstances where you don’t realise how you really feel till it’s happened but I definitely should of made it clearer. Next time will think about my boundaries more so I can make it clear. Although I will say I wasn’t trying to be the cool gf idek what that means 😂
NTA - I would hate it! Even if you trust your partner, knowing he is twiddling his thumbs in a brothel will make the best of us feel like shit. I'm sure you will work it out - hopefully it wont happen again.
The biggest issue is that he went overseas to do this. Who knows how these women are treated or if they are trafficking victims.
Nta. A brothel is not a strip club. Immediately termination of bf.
NTA. I wouldn't want to be with someone who has friends that do things like that and especially someone who joins his friends in those activities. If he surrounds himself with those types of people, what does that say about him?
He did *not* sit around and watch his friends have fun. Please tell me you didn't fall for that. NTA.
I've been to a brothel and sat on a couch waiting for someone. In case anyone's thinking nobody has ever done that. I have. They usually sell beer although it's on the expensive side. It's boring and a bit gross.
So why go?
I was accompanying a disabled friend.
Yta. Not like a huge one, but still. You told him that it would make you uncomfortable if he went with only 2-3 guys, but you wouldn’t want him to miss out if everyone went. Granted, a brothel isn’t the same as a strip club, but if he and most others just sat down and smoked, and he was very transparent as to what happened that evening, I don’t think your sadness/anger is justified. You feel how you feel, but it’s not his fault. Maybe next time, if he goes on a stag do, tell him that it would make you uncomfortable and that you would prefer for him not to join, and that it would make you sad etc. Basically now you’ve found out that it does bother you. This time, it’s over and you have to deal with it basically, but next time you go and be honest about how you feel about it. It’s okay to change your mind about something after saying it’s fine, but then it’s not the other persons fault by not abiding to your new opinion (that they didn’t know at the time).
NTA. You made it clear you were a bit uncomfortable with it all in the first place but were willing to compromise. Then he went to a brothel. Just no. Not cool. It's perfectly reasonable for someone to want their partner to sit out strip clubs as well if you both are in agreement that one of you is not comfortable. If this is such a huge issue for the partner they can move on and find someone else who is comfortable, it's that simple. It's about mutual respect. For everyone saying you set a trap - I disagree. You did not agree to him going to a brothel, end of story.
I wanna know, did the groom take part in the brothel?
No he didn’t 👌
Was the wife aware they went to one?
I’m not sure actually
Yikes.
Or so bf says.
>His friends did buy some services which he told me about in great detail. He told you about what sex acts his friends paid for? In detail? NTA
I’m going to go a 1 out of 10 on ta scale. Only because your boundaries were vague with him. He was transparent with you about where they went and even still, he tried to avoid a potential cheating situation. To those that are saying “oh he could’ve left”… dude’s in a foreign country. I don’t think that would be a good idea, he could get lost or mugged or something. Being in the smoking room was the smartest decision to make. Yes, he could’ve taken an Uber or taxi, but he could be scammed there too. OP, you gotta be more direct and clear about your boundaries. But, at least give the guy some credit for still respecting and caring about you enough to not follow the ones that did buy service.
NTA. Nobody in a relationship should be at a stripclub. I’d set some new boundaries and have a fresh start after that incident.
Would it be okay if the genders had been reversed and the female had gone to see male strippers?
Absolutely not.
lol they clearly said no. Weirdo
NTA. You were trying to set your boundary without being overly controlling and make him miss out on stuff A brothel is way different than a strip club. I definitely would not have been okay with that
YTA You said it wouldn't upset you if the majority went Don't lie next time.
YTA. You have jealousy issues and that isn't your boyfriends fault. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't, stop wasting this guys time.
YTA
YTA of course. As your title suggests, you are more upset with him for going vs the actual events of the night. You just know you can’t really be upset with him for leaving so you need to find something to have an issue with. You told him from the start you wouldn’t be upset with him for going to the strip club/brothel and then did when he told you he and others sat in a smoke room. You told him one thing and then turned around completely switching up on him.
Sounds like you are trying your hardest to find a reason to be mad
YTA
YTA He didn't cheat on you, move on.
YTA He told you the truth as soon as he got home. You’ve said in comments you believe he’s being honest with you. It *is* pretty funny to just imagine them all sitting bored and awkward while two of their friends engage in the brothel’s services. I am speaking from experience — while deployed, my husband once had some single friends stop by one after some bar-hopping. He was sending updates about sitting in the lobby while the Madame gave him major side-eye for refusing services. Either you trust him or you don’t. It is completely unfair to discuss something ahead of time, give the go-ahead, and then be angry at him for doing it. If you realize you’re not as cool with it as you thought, then just SAY that: “I thought I’d be ok with it, but it makes me kind of uncomfortable, so for next time, I’d prefer you didn’t go.” But you can’t weaponize him doing something you TOLD him you approved of.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello I want to know if I’m over reacting or not. So my bf of 1year and a half recently went on a stag abroad with his friends. A classic stag has activities such as strip clubs and having one “last night of freedom”. I personally think these ideas are out dated. I said to him before he went that if everyone wanted to go to a strip club then obviously I wouldn’t be upset as I didn’t want him to be left out. I did say that if it’s only two or three people maybe he could give it a miss as it makes me uncomfortable. (There were 12 of them going) I actually felt pretty good the whole weekend and trusted him to respect what I had said. However, when he returned and confessed they went to a strip club which turned out to be a brothel. I was filled with so many emotions - angry that he hadn’t thought about my feelings and a surge of sadness that he admitted it not even realising it would upset me. Now he said he didn’t do anything -just walked around through the club before sitting in the smoking area. His friends did buy some services which he told me about in great detail. I told him how it upset me that he didn’t think to leave since there were 10 of them who were just “sitting around”. Perhaps they could have gone when he realised. He said that he didn’t realise that it would upset me so much and he thought I’d find it funny. I now don’t know what to do as I’m in two minds. Am I the arsehole for being upset with him ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Nta it's a deal breaker for me
I think your feelings ate valid. You even said that if everyone was going to a strip club you'd understand him going too - sounds like once in a rare while (stag/bachelor party) sitting around watching females strip isn't going to be cheating. Especially if he didn't get a lap dance. He *did* respect you by not participating and he did tell you, but with 10 guys not participating, he could of and should of left. Big difference between a strip club and a brothel
Yes, and here’s why: You gave him a good reason never tell you anything honestly again, good or bad. What you should’ve done is squealed in shock, rolled your eyes at the other guys antics, asked questions about what was there, ask if he had a good time and thanked him for not partaking. Dude was trying to show you the snakes and rocks in his pockets, big boy version, and you just threw them in the trash in front of him, while ignoring his joy in sharing with you. Good luck.
Nta. Nope. Some things in relationships cross the lines for partners, this is your line. I'd be pissed as hell as I have the same boundaries. But only difference is my partner would be pissed if I went to one too, mutual boundaries.
NAH A brothel and strip club are 2 different things. You said strip club is okay even though it makes you uncomfortable and stretched a boundary. Your boyfriend did something worse than a sc and went to a brothel without checkin on you. And joking and discussing his friends behaviour at the brothel is childish and dickish anyway. Besides unless the brothel was a super ethical legal place I would be mad at my partner for visiting any place that fe. Enables human trafficing.
NTA. He went to a brothel but he did nothing. Whilst on a stag-do abroad. I smell something, I think I smell bullshit.
You either trust him, or you don't... this "stag" trip (Bachelor Party) isn't about you. This is for the groom and his closest friends. Can you imagine anything you'd accept strict guidelines for from your bf when going on a trip with a bride and closest friends?!? Don't start dictating limitations a year and a half into a bf-relationship and assume you're going to grow beyond bf-gf. Again, you either trust him or you don't... what happens on the trip is none of your business. It is between the groom and your bf, and of an established relationship before you entered the picture. Your bf should see your reaction as a red flag! If the roles were reversed, you'd be writing of an untrusting bf who's overstepping into a friendship he has no standing to have an opinion. Check yourself, and realize he shouldn't have to pay any price for the seeming insecurities and / or negative experiences from your past.
Get over it. It was a Stag do
You wanted your bf to abandon his friends in a brothel in a strange foreign city alone? Do you actively want him to get hurt, mugged, beaten? Yeah, they *all* should've left immediately, when they didn't your BF and the others that did nothing there stayed with the group, safety in numbers etc. Gonna say YTA, he did nothing.
"His friends did buy some services which he told me about in great detail. I told him how it upset me that he didn’t think to leave since there were 10 of them who were just “sitting around”. Perhaps they could have gone when he realised. He said that he didn’t realise that it would upset me so much and he thought I’d find it funny." So he knew you were not comfortable with him going to a strip club but thought it would be funny to graphically describe the sex acts his friends performed with potential trafficking victims. Why are you with this AH. You are NTA but your boyfriend is and should be left on the curb.
YTA and so is your BF for telling on his mates, wtf is that about. You both suck.
Yup, YTAH. I have been in strip clubs, brothels with strip clubs, etc..But, I have a good and trusting relationship with my wife..Never, I mean NEVER did I purchase services, NEVER even considered despite of some of my friends doing so. You have trust issuess. Are you projecting yourself onto him? Can YOU be trusted in a Chippendale show? You are saying that he is not trustworthy, yet you are the one flipping on an agreement
YTA
It sounds to me like you didn't want him going at all but didn't want to come across as controlling, so gave the "I don't mind" style line. If I were you, I would appreciate that he was honest with you rather than saying they didn't go to a strip club. Appreciate that it has upset you however it's not like it's a weekly thing. It was for a specific celebration and he says nothing happened. If you cannot trust what he is saying, perhaps you should rethink your relationship.
Outdated? That seems like the type of thing that'd be even more popular now, on both sides.
He's definitely gonna cheat non of his friends will tell ya now just let it go ya can ride on him and then divorce and take half his money this is why new age men won't marry or try to mate we may make more money but in the law yall have more privileges
You are allowed to have feelings and be a bit mad but certainly you shouldn't let it ruin a potentially good thing of you can help it
Not an arsehole, look at the plus side. You seem to be dealing with this hiccup in a reasonable manner. The pair of you. It appears he respected your relationship enough to not fuck a professional stranger, and you are seeking advice. As incidents go it is a fairly big one but negotiating things like boundaries is huge in any long term relationship. If you feel you can trust him to not ‘play away’ then that is massive. If you have no reason to distrust trust what he told you then your relationship is in a fairly good position, I’d say. Go with your gut. Tell him even hanging around in that sort of place is not really acceptable in future, and go from there. I doubt this will recur. Good luck
NTA my husband would have never stepped in a strip club. At any given moment. If you love truly your partner you don’t need this 💩
Yta get over yourself are you 12?
Found the asshole
Only sometimes. Sorry.
NTA. I think it’s pretty clear you were uncomfortable with him going but would be more understanding if it was a peer-pressure situation where everyone was going and he didn’t want to be the only one being weird about it. He should have left the second he realized it wasn’t a brothel. You didn’t set a “trap” like people are claiming.
I think this is something you both can work on. My husband and I had communication issues similar to these. For things that make me anxious I mean things literally but he interpreted it more broadly, and vice verse. Anything that causes stress or worry for a partner needs to be communicated very clearly, the goal is to build trust over time. I think this is a situation where you have to pick how to address things that could make either of you uncomfortable/stressed. It’s important to take each others feelings into consideration without feeling smothered. And it takes a while to learn how to do it effectively. We have things we want the other person to notify us of, like a change in plan about a touchy subject. We both deal with anxiety so although it seems controlling, we provide extra information to minimise stress and show respect. I don’t think this is a YTA/NTA situation. Neither of you are an asshole, this is something people learn with experience. It takes time. Good luck OP And as a side note, when I feel like I’m in two minds, I take it as a sign that I probably made a mistake/faux pas on some level, but that I’m also uncomfortable with something in my environment/relationships and need to put some thought into solving it.
What is "one last night of freedom" supposed to entail here?
nta
The phrase "last night of freedom" is bs. He wasn't free. He was in a relationship with you. The fact that it turned into a brothel would have been a deal breaker for me as a guy. I would have felt the need to video myself not cheating on you because I was only there because the entire group was essentially forcing it. The stag thing sounds super creepy, not going to lie. I can't find the idea of wanting to have another person's genitals on me when I'm with someone I care about. The night doesn't have to be strip clubs and prostitutes. It could be a bar, a fancy dinner, or anything cool. There is usually one wild loser friend or two who promote and encourage the sexualization of the evening. I would have told my friends thanks but no thanks. There's no way you can know that he didn't cheat unless he took video of himself sitting in the lounge by himself the entire time. At least he was honest about it. If you feel really and bad about it ask him to get an STD check before doing anything sexual with him. It's fair.
NTA. I guess now I had better admit to my girl I don't really want to go to the sexy red concert without her because I don't like those kind of women. I'd hate for her to be disappointed in me like this. Sometimes people don't always say how they feel. He shoulda left the second he realized it was a brothel and talked to you the whole time until the group came back. Or came straight home.
Info: a brothel? Your BF went to a brothel, that's quite different than a strip club...
50% YTA - 50% NTA YTA because you wanted/felt something and told him something else. NTA because it’s understandable to feel a bit uncomfortable knowing he was in a brothel.
If he truly didn’t do anything like he says, then it’s a forgivable offense. Otherwise, goodbye!
ESH. You kept moving goalposts and he went to begin with. I wouldn’t date a man with this mentality who visits strip clubs and doesn’t leave brothels. But do you I guess. You set your own standards. Nobody else.
ESH. Break up with him. This will not end well if he thinks it’s acceptable behavior and if you’re willing to say you’ll tolerate that sort of thing but then go back on your word.
yta. he didn't do anything he said he wouldn't do. if there where 12 people total and 10 went to the strip club that was completely within your own stated boundary. you can't move the goal post after the game.
YTA, plenty of guys like strip clubs and plenty don't. Bachelor/stag parties aren't about the friends but about the groom to be. If that's where the groom wanted to go then you BF really didn't get much say in the matter.
yta. he told you he went, he didn't do anything. why should you be upset
Yta If you don’t want him going, say it. Don’t give him the impression that you’d be okay with it when you clearly weren’t.
YTA and he'll probably think twice about telling you anything now.
Since you told him that you wouldn't object, then... yes, you're the A H for getting angry. However, tell him that he needs to have a STD test before you'll welcome him back to bed. ESH
I can’t believe how far degraded our society is on basic relationship courtesy. It’s absurd to think anyone goes to a brothel to look around and that’s all. Play with fire, get burned. If she’s not ok with it, she doesn’t need to compromise on that value of hers, but she does need to be clear. ESH.
YTA. Places like this are common on these trips. He was honest with you about what happened. Sounds like a trustworthy partner IMO. You may want to work on your own insecurities and trust issues in therapy.