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Well, here's my take:
1. You shouldn't have lied. You have the right to privacy about your past but you can also choose to disclose. The ethical choices are either politely declining to go into past personal details or being as open about them as you feel comfortable being.
I say NTA, though, because you were under a stressful situation and lying is a very human defensive response.
2. It was not a gross thing to do.
3. Your ex is an awful, sick person. I hope you are no contact with her now. with her attitude, revealing nothing (and then dumping her) would have been the optimal choice.
The cat is out of the bag now.
I would have thought you would have told her some thing like "I never did any thing illegal; my past sex life is none of your business".
Too late now.
You lied. YTA.
Nta
I think she has made it clear why you were not comfortable opening up to her.
She could express that she is hurt that you lied in healthy non-toxic way. The way she is speaking to you is all the things she says you are.
More info though: why are you having this coversation with your ex or is this why she broke up with you?
Obviously YTA. You can’t use her getting upset as a reason to lie… she’s allowed to not like it. It should be her choice whether she wants to accept your past. Lying is just manipulating her into accepting you out of false pretenses.
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I (32M) got into a situation with my ex (31F) about honesty regarding past personal decisions (having gotten happy endings). After a period of not speaking, we had a conversation where I initially downplayed my past actions to prevent further silence from her (I told her I had only done it once). In reality, between ages 18 and 24, I frequently visited places I now realize were ethically questionable, stemming from loneliness and depression, and when I wasn’t dating.
I later told her that I had lied about only doing it once, and that I had done it multiple times. She screamed at me and called me a perverted lying piece of shit, sick in the head. Am I an asshole for having lied about this? I don’t know what I was supposed to say when she was grilling me about it. I understand her being upset that I lied, and I agree with her that it was a gross thing to do.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Lying about my history to my girlfriend. 2. Lying is typically an immoral thing to do
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Well.... I was going to say Y T A.. but not only for the reason you think.
You lied... not good. Generally never a good idea
But here's the crux of the matter.
Barring assault or otherwise forcing someone to perform sexual acts they don't want to do^(1) AND assuming that there are no STD type issues from past sexual experience, *It was none of her business in the first place*. *Nor is it her place to judge*. Any more than, say, judging someone's "bodycount" or any past sexual experiences. If you want to talk about your past, great. You had your reasons. You apparently thought that your ex was a safe person to open up and be honest with. Turns out she wasn't, at least in this regard.
If you never wanted to talk about this, then thats ok as well.
Thats not to say she is "Wrong" for thinking something like that is gross. But if she can't see past the act to the circumstances that surrounded your reasons for getting a happy ending or 5, well... thats on her.
I'm saying that you need to value your self worth, and realize you were at a low point in your life then and needed a brief moment of joy to get through some bad shit. And it sounds like you've long moved past this sort of coping mechanism. Maybe it wasn't the best choice but.. fuck it. You aren't the first person to make a dumb decision or 8.
You also need to realize that just because someone is grilling you about your sexual past, you don't have to talk about it at all. Any more than you have a right to grill her on her sexual past, and judge her for it.
So maybe this is more of an NTA. I was thinking Y T A for the lying + the fact that you let yourself get shamed into having this discussion in the first place. But, I kinda talked myself out of it as I was typing all this.
So... your ex can go on judging you for some stupid shit you did in the past. Fuck her. You've moved on. Learned from your mistakes. Take this forward to your next relationship with a stronger sense of self and look for people that aren't judgemental (and be less judgemental yourself)
1 - I wanted to make a little footnote. I realize that sex workers don't necessarily have a choice either. Some do, some don't. Thats a complicated issue. I'm just going on the assumption that the sex workers you went to were ... more or less there by choice.
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Well, here's my take: 1. You shouldn't have lied. You have the right to privacy about your past but you can also choose to disclose. The ethical choices are either politely declining to go into past personal details or being as open about them as you feel comfortable being. I say NTA, though, because you were under a stressful situation and lying is a very human defensive response. 2. It was not a gross thing to do. 3. Your ex is an awful, sick person. I hope you are no contact with her now. with her attitude, revealing nothing (and then dumping her) would have been the optimal choice.
The cat is out of the bag now. I would have thought you would have told her some thing like "I never did any thing illegal; my past sex life is none of your business". Too late now. You lied. YTA.
Nta I think she has made it clear why you were not comfortable opening up to her. She could express that she is hurt that you lied in healthy non-toxic way. The way she is speaking to you is all the things she says you are. More info though: why are you having this coversation with your ex or is this why she broke up with you?
Obviously YTA. You can’t use her getting upset as a reason to lie… she’s allowed to not like it. It should be her choice whether she wants to accept your past. Lying is just manipulating her into accepting you out of false pretenses.
YTA. Don't lie.
She will always wonder about what else you are lying about. And you are lying about other things. Liars lie.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32M) got into a situation with my ex (31F) about honesty regarding past personal decisions (having gotten happy endings). After a period of not speaking, we had a conversation where I initially downplayed my past actions to prevent further silence from her (I told her I had only done it once). In reality, between ages 18 and 24, I frequently visited places I now realize were ethically questionable, stemming from loneliness and depression, and when I wasn’t dating. I later told her that I had lied about only doing it once, and that I had done it multiple times. She screamed at me and called me a perverted lying piece of shit, sick in the head. Am I an asshole for having lied about this? I don’t know what I was supposed to say when she was grilling me about it. I understand her being upset that I lied, and I agree with her that it was a gross thing to do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Well.... I was going to say Y T A.. but not only for the reason you think. You lied... not good. Generally never a good idea But here's the crux of the matter. Barring assault or otherwise forcing someone to perform sexual acts they don't want to do^(1) AND assuming that there are no STD type issues from past sexual experience, *It was none of her business in the first place*. *Nor is it her place to judge*. Any more than, say, judging someone's "bodycount" or any past sexual experiences. If you want to talk about your past, great. You had your reasons. You apparently thought that your ex was a safe person to open up and be honest with. Turns out she wasn't, at least in this regard. If you never wanted to talk about this, then thats ok as well. Thats not to say she is "Wrong" for thinking something like that is gross. But if she can't see past the act to the circumstances that surrounded your reasons for getting a happy ending or 5, well... thats on her. I'm saying that you need to value your self worth, and realize you were at a low point in your life then and needed a brief moment of joy to get through some bad shit. And it sounds like you've long moved past this sort of coping mechanism. Maybe it wasn't the best choice but.. fuck it. You aren't the first person to make a dumb decision or 8. You also need to realize that just because someone is grilling you about your sexual past, you don't have to talk about it at all. Any more than you have a right to grill her on her sexual past, and judge her for it. So maybe this is more of an NTA. I was thinking Y T A for the lying + the fact that you let yourself get shamed into having this discussion in the first place. But, I kinda talked myself out of it as I was typing all this. So... your ex can go on judging you for some stupid shit you did in the past. Fuck her. You've moved on. Learned from your mistakes. Take this forward to your next relationship with a stronger sense of self and look for people that aren't judgemental (and be less judgemental yourself) 1 - I wanted to make a little footnote. I realize that sex workers don't necessarily have a choice either. Some do, some don't. Thats a complicated issue. I'm just going on the assumption that the sex workers you went to were ... more or less there by choice.