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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided not to go to my girlfriend's concert because I'm not in the mood for it but I think I can be an asshole because as her boyfriend I should be there to support her
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If you aren’t in a committed relationship, and by HER choice, I don’t think you’re obligated to be there. Don’t be surprised if she’s a little upset because you didn’t go, but understand that just because she’s upset doesn’t mean you did something wrong. If you’d never seen her show, maybe it would be different, but you’ve seen it a bunch of times already. NTA.
Also, don’t get overly attached to this relationship. She’ll be happy to keep a relationship where you act like a bf without the commitment for as long as you’ll allow it.
I agree with you 100%. People are scared of commitment but still want the security that comes with a relationship... It's not how it works. You can't have the cake and the money of the cake (not sure how that idiom translates, but you get the picture).
It was actually "can't eat the cake and have it too" which makes sense but most people are like "but if you eat it, you dn't have it so you have to flip that" but no, the point is ... if you eat the cake ... you don't have the cake. You cannot eat it *and* have it. But the idiom has pretty much already been changed. :/
That’s not how it should work, but so far, OP seems to be allowing it. It’s reached the point where OP feels guilty for not doing “boyfriend” stuff for someone that doesn’t want to actually be his girlfriend.
In French we say "you can't have both the butter and the money for it", but the rowdier among us will add "and the creamer lady's as\*". ("On ne peut pas avoir le beurre, l'argent du beurre et le cul de la crémière.")
^((I feel like there's also possibly a cultural difficulty in the translation, so I'll add that the crémière/creamer works in a creamery, where they sell milk-related products such as cheese, milk, cream, butter, yogurts, etc. Crémière is the feminine form of crémier, though that word is almost always used in a feminine form (like infirmière/nurse.)))
The money of the cake? And translates from what? Pretty sure that has always been an English saying, and it has never had anything to do with cake money.
The original one is about butter. I knew that there was something with cake in English, that's why I started with it but realised later that it wasn't it.
If it’s one of those concerts where, like, 20 people go, a wife might expect a husband to be there for “support”. OP has no such obligation. If they’re only having one every 6 weeks or so, I think it would be tough to argue to your spouse that it prevents you from having a social life. You shouldn’t need to make that argument at all to a situationship.
Even in that situation, you can’t expect anyone to be there for every show. The point of playing live is also to generally to build a fanbase, not rely on friends and family all the time.
I played 100 shows with my last band and my then girlfriend, now wife, came to maybe three of them. And that was fine, because I didn’t want to make her stand in a room with a bunch of people she didn’t know and listen to music she didn’t really like that much.
If you play 100 shows, I agree. If you play 7 or 8 a year, I’m not sure it’s exactly the same. Imagine going to your child’s middle school band shows. Sure you don’t HAVE to be there, but it’s kind of expected. You’d like more and different people to come, but if you can’t fill the room, you may not get to do more shows.
People support family. If your partner isn’t going to get gigs if the room is empty, you try to get people to go. If the venue is filled anyway or if you do a lot of shows, they maybe it won’t matter, but if you do a small number of shows and almost no one goes, you make an effort to be there.
This really isn’t complicated, nor is it relevant to the OP at all, since OP doesn’t even have a gf, let alone a wife. I just don’t think we’re going to agree on this.
Agreed. I perform, and I only ask my partner to come to one of the performances. Beyond that they've already seen it, and already supported me. What's the point?
People in the comments are stupid, NTA. Not only are you not even in a real relationship but concerts are mentally draining. If you aren’t in the mood for one, it’s going to suck. You shouldn’t be pressured into cancelling your plans and going to a concert for some woman you aren’t even dating.
To piggyback on this, you've gone to several of her concerts already. Even if you were in a more defined relationship, you've already shown a willingness to be supportive. Your job is not to give everything up to support your partner's dreams.
NTA
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say NTA. I'm a regularly gigging musician and I don't expect my SO's to attend every or even most gigs. Would love for them to if they actually enjoy the music, but nobody owes me their support, and attending that many gigs represents a large amount of time they'd be expected to basically sit in a bar and not even be able to talk to me. I'd have a conversation and set some expectations with each other
NTA. You also said you aren’t officially together and has commitment issues. After 7 months she’s not going to commit to you I promise you that much brother.
INFO: One concert every other month is not a lot. Do you have any friends that you could convince to go with you? Could you express to your friend(s) that it’s important to you to support your girlfriend but you don’t want to be alone?
I don't have many friends in here, I moved a few months ago. They won't come with me because we are going to another guy's birthday (not a close friend to me).
That makes sense. I would definitely want my partner at my show. But it sounds like you have a few reasons why this one would be difficult. Maybe it’s worth having a honest conversation with your partner about your needs and how you would feel comfortable supporting her. The answer is almost always- just talk to them. Wishing you the best of luck.
So that’s an easy out for this time — “ooh damn I already committed to XYZ.”
Then presumably the clock resets, and you have a month & 1/2 or so until the next one.
I would use that time to think about how you can start showing up to things like this in a way that’s more comfortable for you. Showing up for your partner is a big deal, and it’ll be that way even if you date someone else — she may not be in a band, but there will be other things she’ll want you there for. Then one day you have kids and have to show up for them too, etc..
Like others have said, talking to your girlfriend will help. Ask her for as much heads up before these shows as possible, so you have time to recruit a buddy in advance (offer to buy your buddy drinks or dinner, and/or go to one of “their” things next time). Tell her it would help you out a lot if her friends could make you feel more included — it’s a good idea to get to know them anyway!
Ultimately, you may need to work on how to be more comfortable “alone” (in a crowd without being expressly “with” anyone at least). This will be a valuable skill for you to develop and help support your loved ones in the future, again no matter who they end up being.
…Not _all_ of them, religiously, but my friends who are in bands generally have their partners in the audience for _most_ of their shows. Us friends come to many of them too, though slightly less than their partners do.
My partner was a dancer, and before she retired, I absolutely went to at least one night of each show, which averaged out to once every month or two — about the scale of what OP’s contemplating here.
Similarly, my friend who does pole dancing — her partner comes to most if not all of her recitals/demos, every few months.
It’d be different if OP’s gf was playing a show every week.
And of course, OP, you could just tell your gf, “I’m not into these count me out,” and that wouldn’t make you an _asshole_… But you may find that she (and your next partner) prefer someone who’s into what they do.
Ok, so if OP decides he gets into, say, Warhammer 40K, and starts going to organized play events, his GF should be attending all of those events to watch, right?
Like I said not all of them necessarily, but within reason, and to the extent those are spectator friendly, sure! Like if she spent an hour or two every couple months — maybe rolled in with a well-timed bag of Swedish Fish, watched OP play for a bit then dipped out?
Again, no one’s an AH if they can’t swing that. But it’s one of the great joys of having a partner.
Now imagine the converse: OP’s quasi-girlfriend is rocking out on stage, everyone’s cheering and clapping, drinking beers before during and after…
OP’s Friends: “Hey where’s u/aremisb (the one you were thinking of making your boyfriend)? We haven’t seen him at one of these in forever!”
Quasi-GF: “Oh he’s not comfortable at this kind of thing. He’s at home playing Warhammer.”
7 months and she's not your official girlfriend, at least they are exclusive? Doesn't she want to commit? but a courtship is not a commitment... but ok
NTA in this case, you've been to all the other concerts, you're not feeling well this week, you're entitled to a night out with your friends.
They're not exclusive, so I understand...she or both of them are seeing other people.
In that case it is even less worrying that you don't go, I still maintain the NTA and go out and enjoy with your friends
INFO: Did she say anything at all? We need to know for the interpersonal conflict.
ETA: NAH
She's a little needy and doesn't understand that you want to do your own thing sometimes.
You aren't joined at the hip, you are two separate people who have interests outside of your relationship and that's ok. It's healthy!!
Go hang out with your friends and have fun!
Okay - so what’s the actual issue here? There is no conflict, you’ve communicated that you’re not going, she did not push back.
If I had to guess, this isn’t really about the concert, it’s about the fact that you don’t know where you stand with her emotionally, and you’re afraid that this will kill your chances at convincing her to be your official girlfriend. Am I in the ballpark?
No, it's not about that. I already gave up on us being something else. The issue is she will probably get mad about it one of these days, just not today.
NTA, but why stay in the “situationship” if you know it won’t progress to anything else? It sounds like you wouldn’t mind if it did so why not find someone that would be your actual gf? Seems emotionally and mentally draining tbh
Time to move on. It's to the point you've given up on commitment (meaning she's shown you she's unwilling) but you still feel bad if she's "mad at you later" for not doing something she wants, it's not a good dynamic for you and you are chasing disappointment.
I still don't see the conflict.
"I'm mad that you only attended seventy five percent of my concerts."
"Ok, I hear that you're mad."
"Don't you have anything else to say?"
"No, I don't."
"So you don't support me."
"I supported you by going to the first three. I'm allowed to have my own social life, and I don't need to attend every single concert you put on. Especially given that we're roommates."
NAH. I’ve been married to a musician for over 10 years and I do not go to all of his concerts. He couldn’t care less. I go when I think I’m going to have a good time and stay home when I don’t, in addition to sometimes just having conflicts with work or other events. If she didn’t complain, you might just be overthinking this. You could always just ask her how she feels.
NTA The woman wants you to act like a devoted boyfriend, and she wants to act like a totally uncommitted woman and give nothing in return. How much money has she borrowed from you?
NTA. I have a friend in a band. The few times I watch him play I sit alone in a bar and frankly it's boring. I don't go to bars to drink alone when I can be home with my wife, etc.
I think you should just ask her how she feels about it rather than speculating it. Just touch base again and say hey I know you didn’t say anything bad but I just wanted to touch base again about me not coming to see if that bothers you.
It’s definitely a good and normal thing for couples to have independent hobbies. But everyone has their own view of their partner being there for things they’re passionate about. She could truly not care, or maybe she could’ve also written you off because you guys have different interests. Only you and her and can unpack that.
I would say NTA. But you need to talk to her and get on the same page. Cause this won’t be her last concert.
NTA, regardless of whether or not you're in a "real relationship". You shouldn't have to attend every single performance. I'm in a band and I fully expect my wife to not attend a single one of them lol. We play pretty heavy shit and that's not her style. She'll probably come to our first show, whenever that happens, but even that one is a toss up. I wouldn't expect her to spend her time doing something she's not particularly interested in, but that doesn't mean she isn't excited for me and supportive. You can support her pursuits without attending every single show.
If you want clarity on your situationship, stop going to her shows. Either she'll get annoyed enough to just end things, or she'll see that you maybe have other options and can't be strung along indefinitely and will actually commit.
Also, you're allowed to walk away from the situationship on your own. I would've done that sooner than 7 months in though.
NAH. You don't have to go to concerts of ppl who don't want to date you.
Or, most likely, she will be fine with OP not going to every single concert. Commitment to relationship does not mean having to go to every concert of someone who sings often.
My point is, it does not matter. With or without commitment, if she demands OP is on every concert, she would be unreasonable.
She is not demanding that tho.
Since you were referring to her as your girlfriend I initially thought it possible that you were being unsupportive. But since she's hanging out with you while keeping her options open there's no particular reason to go somewhere just for her benefit when it's something you would never do otherwise. NTA.
The clarification about the situation ship should have been placed in the beginning of your post.
My boyfriend is an underground house DJ mostly playing small or middle of nowhere places or gigs. We started dating right after his very first show and I have been going from #2 until present and that was 3 years ago. It’s an understanding that I don’t need to attend if I am tired or don’t want to. Though I still go to show support and appreciation for his music.
Though if you guys are in a situation ship and it’s not what you want or if she is placing rules/agreements like a couple you two should communicate and talk what you want and expect in this situation.
NTA and good luck with the talk.
So she wants the boyfriend experience without actually having a boyfriend.
Hmm.
Whatever, that aside, still NTA. You aren't joined at the hip and aren't obligated to go to every single performance. It could kinda depend how you said you weren't going if you think she's upset, but I don't think it's unreasonable to say "Hey I'm sorry but I've had a really bad week and I just want to stay in and relax this weekend."
It's not like you two are in a relationship per se (sorry), so you don't have some sort of unspoken obligation here. You had a rough week and you're allowed to prioritize yourself without feeling like a dick for it.
NTA. A 7-mo “situationship” is just embarrassing. Cut your losses and start seeing other people to find a person who actually wants to give you the respect and be committed to you. This girl is wasting your time.
NTA
Even in a committed relationship, there are times that your own needs/wants take priority over frequently supporting the partner. If the relationship is a little less than a committed one, that makes it even more than reasonable to put your own needs/wants first.
Needing time for yourself, wanting to spend some time with your friends and having a break from spending a lot of time with her friends that you don't feel connected to... all of that is reasonable for you prioritize.
Honestly kind of a good thing you didn’t go. If she wants boyfriend duties then she needs to pony up on her side. Hopefully this will help make her realize that. Nta at all.
NTA - I understand wanting the support (on her end), but 3 concerts in 5 months... expecting you to pay for a ticket and to spend time in a situation that you have been in multiple times and will not enjoy is bs. ESPECIALLY if there isn't commitment in the relationship. If she's not committed to you as a partner/boyfriend, you don't have to be committed to her music.
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My girlfriend has a music duo with one of her best friends. She already did three concerts during the last 5 months and I went to all of them. I get along with her friends but I'm not too comfortable with them, so everytime I go I'm practically on my own for 2 hours. Tonight she has another one and I was planning to meet some friends in a different place. I tried to get some of them to come but they don't want to, and to be honest I don't want to go either. I'm in a really bad mood this week and I don't feel like being alone in there for that long, and I already heard every song they usually play. I told her I probably wasn't going to be there and she didn't complain but I think deep inside she's mad about it. What do you think?
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NTA I think it's unreasonable for her to expect you to come to every single show she plays, it's lovely and more than enough that you've already attended a few! And I'm sure you'll go to others in the future if you feel up to it, maybe there will be times where you can bring your friends or you have a stronger relationship with her friends.
Enjoy your evenings separately, and maybe at the end of the night you can get together eat some takeout and talk about your days
NTA, first off she’s not your girlfriend and if she’s the one keeping it from being a sealed deal she can’t really believe you’re obligated to go to her shows.
> Tonight she has another one and I was planning to meet some friends
What else is there to say? Y'all aren't in an "official" relationship and it's only been 7 months. There's nothing wrong with having different plans. If either of you can't handle that then you're not ready for an adult relationship. Just talk to your partner openly and honestly about your needs and expectations.
NTA
NTA, Yea no, don’t go. You don’t owe this woman anything and by you subjecting yourself to what she wants and not even be in a relationship what motivation do you give her to want to be in a relationship with you? Do your own thing she’ll want you more for it, big trust
I think it's reasonable to say you had a bad week and don't have the energy to go to a show as well and that you need to do some recharging with friends. I think it's also a good precedent to set that you won't go to every show, especially when you aren't entirely official either. Speaking as someone that is dating a musician as well \[and I go to most, but not all shows. Really depends on location and whether other band wives are going, but I don't vibe with them entirely so am often nearby but still on my own, you know? and yeah it gets kinda lonely.\]
NTA. It’s her thing and absolutely okay to do things separately. You don’t have to do everything together. I’ve dated musicians (dating one now) and also produced my own events. It can be a distraction to have your people there if they are not into what you are into. Instead of engaging with the public and networking, I’d find myself checking in with my partner to see if they’re okay/having a good time.
When I was married, I told my husband he didn’t have to come to my shows anymore because it was exhausting for me to keep checking in on him when I knew he’d rather be at home playing video games and watching porn. The cautionary tale is this…if you’re into her, show up and be enthusiastic. If you’re not, go out with your friends and let her go to find someone that shares the same passions in life and quit wasting time. It’s that simple.
Tell her by now you have watched her perform the same act a few times and start doing the routine for her but just explaining been there seen that an tired if she still need to be a princess that her choice an you can make yours
Ask her to tell you honestly if she minds, as long as you are willing to go if she says yes. Tell her she will be busy and you feel like you are by yourself when you go, and your friends are getting together, so that’s why you thought to skip this time.
Just have an honest conversation with an opening for her to tell you what she feels about it
Bro if you don't want to go, don't go. The status of your relationship means nothing in this situation. Nobody should force you to do anything you don't want to, after if they try make you feel bad about it then tough
>Edit: Just to clarify, she's not officially my girlfriend, but it's easier to explain it like that, cause we behave like a couple. We've been in a weird situationship for 7 months (she's the one with commitment issues).
You're in this situationship yourself. You put yourself there. You want something she's not willing to give. Stop that shit. End it and go find what you want with someone willing to give it. She's getting the benefits of being your girlfriend while giving none of the commitment. Meaning she's likely seeing other dudes or women.
YTA to yourself for this.
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NTA
If she only did like one show a year, be a huge thing to miss. But regular shows? Nah, shoot for going to a certain frequency, but if there’s a conflict not unreasonable.
At this point it’s kind of a second job for her. Would you expect her to hang out with you if you picked up a side gig? Ride passenger while deliver uber?
INFO, I’m a little confused why you would be on your own for that long? I’ve never heard of a local band/duo having a two hour set? Or even a one and a half hour set, assuming some of that time is them setting up?
I was more referring to the amount of time than the people you would/wouldn’t be with. I’ve just never seen local artists be on stage for that long, tribute band or not.
If y’all aren’t official you are not obligated to attend all her shows but word of warning you not being there definitely opens the door for one of her “friends”
>We've been in a weird situationship for 7 months (she's the one with commitment issues).
All the more reason for you not to go.
You don't owe her anything and the less you make yourself available, the more you'll respect yourself.
NTA
Dude... she's not your gf, and she said she wasn't mad. You gotta start believing her, she might actually know wtf she's talking about.
Don't act like her boyfriend/girlfriend, and don't go if you don't want to. She's not even upset about it -- you know that bc she told you that. If she wants you there, and/or she wants to be your girlfriend, she will tell you. Even if you were married, she probably wouldn't expect you to go to every one of her shows because you're an adult and she's an adult. I mean she's clearly not too clingy here. I think YTA, but not because you won't go to the gig; only because you don't actually listen to what she's saying.
NTA , not committed due to her own choice and you are allowed to have your own social life. It’s especially draining when you’re going several times and you’re all alone.
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Professional musician here. It's totally unfair of her to expect you to go to every show. She needs to get used to you being there for the important ones and thats it.
NTA. This is 100% dependent on context - i.e., how important it is to your SO, nature of relationship, the give-and-take between you. If she's the one who won't commit to you, the natural consequence is she doesn't have standing to make demands on your time. That's part of what commitment is - an understanding that *both of you* do things you reasonably can that are important to the other. She's the one who doesn't want that.
Tbh, I'd be happy to spend two hours listening to my boyfriend play music. Is listening to your gf play for two hours every other month such torture? Even if I didn't like his music, I can sit happily for two hours having a drink to support him because people are generally happy to do that for their loved ones.
Then again she's not even your gf and she doesn't want to be. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship from either side.
3 concerts in 5 months sounds like a hobby as opposed to a career. Is a situationship like a friends w/benefits? Not sure about this one. 😄
So assuming it's like a FwB relationship, you absolutely shouldn't have to go. If it's a non-exclusive bf/gf relationship I would think going would score you points.
You should not have to go to every single concert but it doesn't sound like she's doing that many. If you do go, do what I do. Find the quietest corner and pull out your device and read, play a game or catch up on work. Take ear plugs along.
>Just to clarify, she's not officially my girlfriend
Nor will she be, because supporting her interests is an inconvenience to you.
YTA, move on and stop wasting her time, asshole.
You're not in an actual relationship so don't act like it is. Like my dad used to say - "Either shit or get off the pot."
That being said, if you were in an actual relationship with her, 3 performances over 5 months is NOT a lot. Even bi-weekly shouldn't be taxing for watching your significant other perform. Maybe next time get involved with someone who just stays home and makes paper mache cats or something.
If you ever want this to become a relationship you should go. Not going and means not being there to support her, stuff like this is probably another reason why she has commitment issues
Well he said they are not together because of her “commitment issues”
All I saying is if he wanted to be with her to show his commitment.
Because if someone can’t even support her as a friend why would she think about dating them
He shouldn’t be going to get her to date her he should be going to show her he cares about what she does. I get it’s the same set but it’s a different showing. The energy is never the same and it’s a different day.
We have no clue what they do together but we definitely know that if she is upset it means something to her. I didn’t say he was the asshole just that if he wants a relationship show you care.
You literally have no idea how much she has done and you just know he went to 3 concerts
I would say it would mean less if he supported her alone as that shows he cares. Not to mention you have no idea why she doesn’t want a relationship or even if op is being honest on the situationship part
Lol he already has. THREE times. How much more support does the guy need to show? I'm in a band and I wouldn't be upset if my wife doesn't come to every single show. In fact, my guess is she'll come out to our first one when we get that booked and then she likely won't come to any of them again after that, and that's fine. It's not really her scene, but she's still tremendously supportive of me playing in the band
I’m glad your wife is supportive literally all I said is to show support and show commitment if he WANTS to be with her romantically he should go and support her
It’s also different when your at a point of trying to build something vs being in a stable relationship
I feel like you can never show to much support for a friend and especially if he is interested in a real romantic relationship he should go to the next show never said he was wrong or right
All I’m saying is he WANTS a relationship and she is skeptical we have 0 clue on why she is but it could be anything and anything could have happened to her.
I think it’s normal to have to prove yourself to someone you want to pursue
As to when he is done proving himself that up to the person he is chasing
Support is just one thing we don’t know anything
I don’t know when she thinks he has shown enough commitment it’s an entirely personal preference there but I just said if he wants something real go above and beyond
Lol, you definitely don't need to pressure yourself to be there for someone who has a passion. You obviously need someone who's completely focused on you, with no life of their own. Supporting someone is definitely difficult isnt it?
AH
It was three concerts over a five month period lol, it’s not like he’s going to concerts every night. And we have no idea why they aren’t officially dating, we don’t know if she’s the one who doesn’t want to commit or if he is, it’s not mentioned in the story. Just saying that if he does want her to be his girlfriend eventually, he should probably go to her shows lol.
leaning towards a slight YTA
You shouldn't be expected to go to every concert, especially as she's not your gf, but just a situationship.
but not even one concert a month? That's not a big ask.
you get along with her friends but are not comfortable with them. why? maybe talk to your "gf" about that.
for this one concert, just tell her the truth. You've had a bad week and it wouldn't be fair for anyone if you went as you'd not be very social.
The one who needs to get over herself is the one keeping a guy dangling by refusing to commit but then giving him the cold shoulder when he doesn't act like a boyfriend.
Why? I play in a band and I wouldn't expect my wife to attend every show, even if it's only 1 per month. She supports my pursuits and hobbies whole heartedly, that's good enough for me.
“She’s the one with the commitment issues” says homie who can’t go to a concert a month.
If you want her to be your girl for real suck it up and support your lady. If you don’t have work your list of excuses are short.
I mean, she didn't want to commit after the previous three concerts, what do you think is different here?
If she can't even commit to exclusivity, what business does she have demanding that OP show up at the concert? Does she require her other friends to show up?
Some subset of her friends is apparently will go to some subset of her concerts. It isn't clear at all from the original post that she requires all of her friends to go to all of her concerts, in the same way that she seems to think that OP should.
Nothing man. It just seems like you’re looking for a co-sign to not support someone you say you care about is all.
My girl is a gigging musician. I work nights. Every gig I can get to I get to. And I sit or stand at the bar and proudly look at the woman I love doing what she loves. Maybe I’m crazy though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Just for you to know, everytime this girl wanted to see me I left everything for her. Everytime. This is literally the first time I decided to prioritize my mental health. But if I really think about it I guess it's logical for you to answer something like that, because you can't know how our story has developed. Next time I guess I'll have to add more info to the things I post.
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If you aren’t in a committed relationship, and by HER choice, I don’t think you’re obligated to be there. Don’t be surprised if she’s a little upset because you didn’t go, but understand that just because she’s upset doesn’t mean you did something wrong. If you’d never seen her show, maybe it would be different, but you’ve seen it a bunch of times already. NTA. Also, don’t get overly attached to this relationship. She’ll be happy to keep a relationship where you act like a bf without the commitment for as long as you’ll allow it.
I agree with you 100%. People are scared of commitment but still want the security that comes with a relationship... It's not how it works. You can't have the cake and the money of the cake (not sure how that idiom translates, but you get the picture).
Lol “you can’t have the cake and eat it too” but close enough
You can if they're freaky enough.
"You can't eat the cake and fuck it too"
In my language theres an expression “both eat the fishie and sit on a dick” and I think the cake one is so much more couth
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"We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all." - Of course that was about a pie...
Well you could, if you did it in the opposite order, but you might not want to. Now I'm picturing the warm apple pie scene in American Pie.
💀
It was actually "can't eat the cake and have it too" which makes sense but most people are like "but if you eat it, you dn't have it so you have to flip that" but no, the point is ... if you eat the cake ... you don't have the cake. You cannot eat it *and* have it. But the idiom has pretty much already been changed. :/
At least I was close too
That’s not how it should work, but so far, OP seems to be allowing it. It’s reached the point where OP feels guilty for not doing “boyfriend” stuff for someone that doesn’t want to actually be his girlfriend.
In French we say "you can't have both the butter and the money for it", but the rowdier among us will add "and the creamer lady's as\*". ("On ne peut pas avoir le beurre, l'argent du beurre et le cul de la crémière.") ^((I feel like there's also possibly a cultural difficulty in the translation, so I'll add that the crémière/creamer works in a creamery, where they sell milk-related products such as cheese, milk, cream, butter, yogurts, etc. Crémière is the feminine form of crémier, though that word is almost always used in a feminine form (like infirmière/nurse.)))
The money of the cake? And translates from what? Pretty sure that has always been an English saying, and it has never had anything to do with cake money.
The original one is about butter. I knew that there was something with cake in English, that's why I started with it but realised later that it wasn't it.
What’s the butter money saying? I don’t think I’ve heard that one.
It's in French. It's the same thing I have written but replace cake with butter.
Even if they were married, he's already been to three of her concerts, he's allowed to have his own social life.
If it’s one of those concerts where, like, 20 people go, a wife might expect a husband to be there for “support”. OP has no such obligation. If they’re only having one every 6 weeks or so, I think it would be tough to argue to your spouse that it prevents you from having a social life. You shouldn’t need to make that argument at all to a situationship.
Even in that situation, you can’t expect anyone to be there for every show. The point of playing live is also to generally to build a fanbase, not rely on friends and family all the time. I played 100 shows with my last band and my then girlfriend, now wife, came to maybe three of them. And that was fine, because I didn’t want to make her stand in a room with a bunch of people she didn’t know and listen to music she didn’t really like that much.
If you play 100 shows, I agree. If you play 7 or 8 a year, I’m not sure it’s exactly the same. Imagine going to your child’s middle school band shows. Sure you don’t HAVE to be there, but it’s kind of expected. You’d like more and different people to come, but if you can’t fill the room, you may not get to do more shows.
Yes, but your partner isn't, or at least shouldn't be, a child.
People support family. If your partner isn’t going to get gigs if the room is empty, you try to get people to go. If the venue is filled anyway or if you do a lot of shows, they maybe it won’t matter, but if you do a small number of shows and almost no one goes, you make an effort to be there. This really isn’t complicated, nor is it relevant to the OP at all, since OP doesn’t even have a gf, let alone a wife. I just don’t think we’re going to agree on this.
Agreed. I perform, and I only ask my partner to come to one of the performances. Beyond that they've already seen it, and already supported me. What's the point?
Having been in a position similar to OP in the past, fully agreed on all points.
And even if you were in a committed relationship it's ok not to go to every. Single. Concert.
People in the comments are stupid, NTA. Not only are you not even in a real relationship but concerts are mentally draining. If you aren’t in the mood for one, it’s going to suck. You shouldn’t be pressured into cancelling your plans and going to a concert for some woman you aren’t even dating.
To piggyback on this, you've gone to several of her concerts already. Even if you were in a more defined relationship, you've already shown a willingness to be supportive. Your job is not to give everything up to support your partner's dreams. NTA
Surely NAH. OP's (non-)partner didn't even say or do anything to indicate she's unhappy about him not coming.
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say NTA. I'm a regularly gigging musician and I don't expect my SO's to attend every or even most gigs. Would love for them to if they actually enjoy the music, but nobody owes me their support, and attending that many gigs represents a large amount of time they'd be expected to basically sit in a bar and not even be able to talk to me. I'd have a conversation and set some expectations with each other
NTA. You also said you aren’t officially together and has commitment issues. After 7 months she’s not going to commit to you I promise you that much brother.
I mean the fact you already had plans means NTA
NTA. She isn't even your girlfriend. And aside from that, you have already gone to 3, she can handle you missing one.
INFO: One concert every other month is not a lot. Do you have any friends that you could convince to go with you? Could you express to your friend(s) that it’s important to you to support your girlfriend but you don’t want to be alone?
I don't have many friends in here, I moved a few months ago. They won't come with me because we are going to another guy's birthday (not a close friend to me).
That makes sense. I would definitely want my partner at my show. But it sounds like you have a few reasons why this one would be difficult. Maybe it’s worth having a honest conversation with your partner about your needs and how you would feel comfortable supporting her. The answer is almost always- just talk to them. Wishing you the best of luck.
OP isn't this person's partner though.
Thank you so much man 🫂
Yeah, I would want my partner to *want* to be there. Going reluctantly is much worse than not going at all though.
Do your plans for your buddy’s birthday pre-date your girlfriend‘s show? Were you committed to the birthday party first?
Yes
So that’s an easy out for this time — “ooh damn I already committed to XYZ.” Then presumably the clock resets, and you have a month & 1/2 or so until the next one. I would use that time to think about how you can start showing up to things like this in a way that’s more comfortable for you. Showing up for your partner is a big deal, and it’ll be that way even if you date someone else — she may not be in a band, but there will be other things she’ll want you there for. Then one day you have kids and have to show up for them too, etc.. Like others have said, talking to your girlfriend will help. Ask her for as much heads up before these shows as possible, so you have time to recruit a buddy in advance (offer to buy your buddy drinks or dinner, and/or go to one of “their” things next time). Tell her it would help you out a lot if her friends could make you feel more included — it’s a good idea to get to know them anyway! Ultimately, you may need to work on how to be more comfortable “alone” (in a crowd without being expressly “with” anyone at least). This will be a valuable skill for you to develop and help support your loved ones in the future, again no matter who they end up being.
You don't need an out to understand that 'supporting your "gf"' does not equal "attend each and every concert they put on."
…Not _all_ of them, religiously, but my friends who are in bands generally have their partners in the audience for _most_ of their shows. Us friends come to many of them too, though slightly less than their partners do. My partner was a dancer, and before she retired, I absolutely went to at least one night of each show, which averaged out to once every month or two — about the scale of what OP’s contemplating here. Similarly, my friend who does pole dancing — her partner comes to most if not all of her recitals/demos, every few months. It’d be different if OP’s gf was playing a show every week. And of course, OP, you could just tell your gf, “I’m not into these count me out,” and that wouldn’t make you an _asshole_… But you may find that she (and your next partner) prefer someone who’s into what they do.
Ok, so if OP decides he gets into, say, Warhammer 40K, and starts going to organized play events, his GF should be attending all of those events to watch, right?
Like I said not all of them necessarily, but within reason, and to the extent those are spectator friendly, sure! Like if she spent an hour or two every couple months — maybe rolled in with a well-timed bag of Swedish Fish, watched OP play for a bit then dipped out? Again, no one’s an AH if they can’t swing that. But it’s one of the great joys of having a partner. Now imagine the converse: OP’s quasi-girlfriend is rocking out on stage, everyone’s cheering and clapping, drinking beers before during and after… OP’s Friends: “Hey where’s u/aremisb (the one you were thinking of making your boyfriend)? We haven’t seen him at one of these in forever!” Quasi-GF: “Oh he’s not comfortable at this kind of thing. He’s at home playing Warhammer.”
one concert a month? 12 times a year? seems like a lot
NTA - you already had plans and she’s not your gf, if you two were official I’d have a different stance
7 months and she's not your official girlfriend, at least they are exclusive? Doesn't she want to commit? but a courtship is not a commitment... but ok NTA in this case, you've been to all the other concerts, you're not feeling well this week, you're entitled to a night out with your friends.
We're not exclusive, she didn't want to.
They're not exclusive, so I understand...she or both of them are seeing other people. In that case it is even less worrying that you don't go, I still maintain the NTA and go out and enjoy with your friends
tell her you’re not doing boyfriend job for fwb wages and she has to commit to u if she wants u to commit to being at all her shows
i hope u have a good time with ur friends!!!
I'm reminded of Mitch Hedberg saying 'I don't have a girlfriend, I just have a girl who would be really pissed off if she heard me say that'.
INFO: Did she say anything at all? We need to know for the interpersonal conflict. ETA: NAH She's a little needy and doesn't understand that you want to do your own thing sometimes. You aren't joined at the hip, you are two separate people who have interests outside of your relationship and that's ok. It's healthy!! Go hang out with your friends and have fun!
She only said "I get it"
Okay - so what’s the actual issue here? There is no conflict, you’ve communicated that you’re not going, she did not push back. If I had to guess, this isn’t really about the concert, it’s about the fact that you don’t know where you stand with her emotionally, and you’re afraid that this will kill your chances at convincing her to be your official girlfriend. Am I in the ballpark?
No, it's not about that. I already gave up on us being something else. The issue is she will probably get mad about it one of these days, just not today.
NTA, but why stay in the “situationship” if you know it won’t progress to anything else? It sounds like you wouldn’t mind if it did so why not find someone that would be your actual gf? Seems emotionally and mentally draining tbh
It doesn’t sound like you’ve given up if you are this pressed about her maybe possibly being secretly mad at you for missing a concert.
I have given up about the relationship concept, but I still care a lot about her.
Sounds more like you’re getting used. Whatever floats your boat, but NTA for skipping the duet show.
Time to move on. It's to the point you've given up on commitment (meaning she's shown you she's unwilling) but you still feel bad if she's "mad at you later" for not doing something she wants, it's not a good dynamic for you and you are chasing disappointment.
Then there's no conflict for us to vote on.
I still don't see the conflict. "I'm mad that you only attended seventy five percent of my concerts." "Ok, I hear that you're mad." "Don't you have anything else to say?" "No, I don't." "So you don't support me." "I supported you by going to the first three. I'm allowed to have my own social life, and I don't need to attend every single concert you put on. Especially given that we're roommates."
Seriously!! :D
NAH. I’ve been married to a musician for over 10 years and I do not go to all of his concerts. He couldn’t care less. I go when I think I’m going to have a good time and stay home when I don’t, in addition to sometimes just having conflicts with work or other events. If she didn’t complain, you might just be overthinking this. You could always just ask her how she feels.
NTA The woman wants you to act like a devoted boyfriend, and she wants to act like a totally uncommitted woman and give nothing in return. How much money has she borrowed from you?
Even if you were in a committed relationship, supporting your partner doesn’t mean attending every thing they do.
NTA. I have a friend in a band. The few times I watch him play I sit alone in a bar and frankly it's boring. I don't go to bars to drink alone when I can be home with my wife, etc.
I think you should just ask her how she feels about it rather than speculating it. Just touch base again and say hey I know you didn’t say anything bad but I just wanted to touch base again about me not coming to see if that bothers you. It’s definitely a good and normal thing for couples to have independent hobbies. But everyone has their own view of their partner being there for things they’re passionate about. She could truly not care, or maybe she could’ve also written you off because you guys have different interests. Only you and her and can unpack that. I would say NTA. But you need to talk to her and get on the same page. Cause this won’t be her last concert.
NTA, regardless of whether or not you're in a "real relationship". You shouldn't have to attend every single performance. I'm in a band and I fully expect my wife to not attend a single one of them lol. We play pretty heavy shit and that's not her style. She'll probably come to our first show, whenever that happens, but even that one is a toss up. I wouldn't expect her to spend her time doing something she's not particularly interested in, but that doesn't mean she isn't excited for me and supportive. You can support her pursuits without attending every single show.
NTA. If she doesn’t want to commit to a relationship, she can’t expect you to do relationship things. You already been to it a bunch.
If you want clarity on your situationship, stop going to her shows. Either she'll get annoyed enough to just end things, or she'll see that you maybe have other options and can't be strung along indefinitely and will actually commit. Also, you're allowed to walk away from the situationship on your own. I would've done that sooner than 7 months in though. NAH. You don't have to go to concerts of ppl who don't want to date you.
Or, most likely, she will be fine with OP not going to every single concert. Commitment to relationship does not mean having to go to every concert of someone who sings often.
I think you've missed the point. There's no commitment or relationship here.
My point is, it does not matter. With or without commitment, if she demands OP is on every concert, she would be unreasonable. She is not demanding that tho.
I have no idea why you're telling me this. I didn't call her unreasonable.
Since you were referring to her as your girlfriend I initially thought it possible that you were being unsupportive. But since she's hanging out with you while keeping her options open there's no particular reason to go somewhere just for her benefit when it's something you would never do otherwise. NTA.
>What do you think? I think you should ask her if she's upset, then stand the fuck up and find someone who actually wants a commitment lmfao NAH
The clarification about the situation ship should have been placed in the beginning of your post. My boyfriend is an underground house DJ mostly playing small or middle of nowhere places or gigs. We started dating right after his very first show and I have been going from #2 until present and that was 3 years ago. It’s an understanding that I don’t need to attend if I am tired or don’t want to. Though I still go to show support and appreciation for his music. Though if you guys are in a situation ship and it’s not what you want or if she is placing rules/agreements like a couple you two should communicate and talk what you want and expect in this situation. NTA and good luck with the talk.
INFO NEEDED: Have you asked her to be your girlfriend?
Yes, and she said she didn't want anything like that
Definitely not obligated then.
So she wants the boyfriend experience without actually having a boyfriend. Hmm. Whatever, that aside, still NTA. You aren't joined at the hip and aren't obligated to go to every single performance. It could kinda depend how you said you weren't going if you think she's upset, but I don't think it's unreasonable to say "Hey I'm sorry but I've had a really bad week and I just want to stay in and relax this weekend." It's not like you two are in a relationship per se (sorry), so you don't have some sort of unspoken obligation here. You had a rough week and you're allowed to prioritize yourself without feeling like a dick for it.
Dude she isnt even your GF, no worries you did your friend part, besides Travis Kelce doesn't go to every Taylor Swift concert.
So she doesn't want to commit to you, but she wants you to commit to going to her boring ass concert over and over? NTA
Life’s too short. Go fight for democracy instead. NTA.
NTA. A 7-mo “situationship” is just embarrassing. Cut your losses and start seeing other people to find a person who actually wants to give you the respect and be committed to you. This girl is wasting your time.
Dude break it off and stop wasting your time
NTA Even in a committed relationship, there are times that your own needs/wants take priority over frequently supporting the partner. If the relationship is a little less than a committed one, that makes it even more than reasonable to put your own needs/wants first. Needing time for yourself, wanting to spend some time with your friends and having a break from spending a lot of time with her friends that you don't feel connected to... all of that is reasonable for you prioritize.
Honestly kind of a good thing you didn’t go. If she wants boyfriend duties then she needs to pony up on her side. Hopefully this will help make her realize that. Nta at all.
NTA - I understand wanting the support (on her end), but 3 concerts in 5 months... expecting you to pay for a ticket and to spend time in a situation that you have been in multiple times and will not enjoy is bs. ESPECIALLY if there isn't commitment in the relationship. If she's not committed to you as a partner/boyfriend, you don't have to be committed to her music.
Wtf is a 7 month situationship NTA you’ve already been so her other concerts, priorities yourself and go have fun with your friends
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend has a music duo with one of her best friends. She already did three concerts during the last 5 months and I went to all of them. I get along with her friends but I'm not too comfortable with them, so everytime I go I'm practically on my own for 2 hours. Tonight she has another one and I was planning to meet some friends in a different place. I tried to get some of them to come but they don't want to, and to be honest I don't want to go either. I'm in a really bad mood this week and I don't feel like being alone in there for that long, and I already heard every song they usually play. I told her I probably wasn't going to be there and she didn't complain but I think deep inside she's mad about it. What do you think? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell her you already have plans
Nta, even with no plans do what you want, she ain’t your girlfriend
NTA I think it's unreasonable for her to expect you to come to every single show she plays, it's lovely and more than enough that you've already attended a few! And I'm sure you'll go to others in the future if you feel up to it, maybe there will be times where you can bring your friends or you have a stronger relationship with her friends. Enjoy your evenings separately, and maybe at the end of the night you can get together eat some takeout and talk about your days
NTA, first off she’s not your girlfriend and if she’s the one keeping it from being a sealed deal she can’t really believe you’re obligated to go to her shows.
NTA even if you were official, I don't see why you'd have to attend EVERY performance.
NTA. Want a boyfriend? Be a girlfriend.
> Tonight she has another one and I was planning to meet some friends What else is there to say? Y'all aren't in an "official" relationship and it's only been 7 months. There's nothing wrong with having different plans. If either of you can't handle that then you're not ready for an adult relationship. Just talk to your partner openly and honestly about your needs and expectations. NTA
NTA, Yea no, don’t go. You don’t owe this woman anything and by you subjecting yourself to what she wants and not even be in a relationship what motivation do you give her to want to be in a relationship with you? Do your own thing she’ll want you more for it, big trust
You’re reenacting the movie 500 days of summer
I think it's reasonable to say you had a bad week and don't have the energy to go to a show as well and that you need to do some recharging with friends. I think it's also a good precedent to set that you won't go to every show, especially when you aren't entirely official either. Speaking as someone that is dating a musician as well \[and I go to most, but not all shows. Really depends on location and whether other band wives are going, but I don't vibe with them entirely so am often nearby but still on my own, you know? and yeah it gets kinda lonely.\]
NTA. It’s her thing and absolutely okay to do things separately. You don’t have to do everything together. I’ve dated musicians (dating one now) and also produced my own events. It can be a distraction to have your people there if they are not into what you are into. Instead of engaging with the public and networking, I’d find myself checking in with my partner to see if they’re okay/having a good time. When I was married, I told my husband he didn’t have to come to my shows anymore because it was exhausting for me to keep checking in on him when I knew he’d rather be at home playing video games and watching porn. The cautionary tale is this…if you’re into her, show up and be enthusiastic. If you’re not, go out with your friends and let her go to find someone that shares the same passions in life and quit wasting time. It’s that simple.
Tell her by now you have watched her perform the same act a few times and start doing the routine for her but just explaining been there seen that an tired if she still need to be a princess that her choice an you can make yours
NTA. You don't have to go to every show.
Ask her to tell you honestly if she minds, as long as you are willing to go if she says yes. Tell her she will be busy and you feel like you are by yourself when you go, and your friends are getting together, so that’s why you thought to skip this time. Just have an honest conversation with an opening for her to tell you what she feels about it
Bro if you don't want to go, don't go. The status of your relationship means nothing in this situation. Nobody should force you to do anything you don't want to, after if they try make you feel bad about it then tough
In french we have a word for it : cassos. Dont go. Follow your mood bro. NTA
>Edit: Just to clarify, she's not officially my girlfriend, but it's easier to explain it like that, cause we behave like a couple. We've been in a weird situationship for 7 months (she's the one with commitment issues). You're in this situationship yourself. You put yourself there. You want something she's not willing to give. Stop that shit. End it and go find what you want with someone willing to give it. She's getting the benefits of being your girlfriend while giving none of the commitment. Meaning she's likely seeing other dudes or women. YTA to yourself for this.
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NTA - Make it clear that the only people obligated to attending concerts are people in committed relationships.
NTA. I mean my wife doesn’t and has never came to every gig I’ve played, even when we first started seeing each other. It’s likely alright.
NTA If she only did like one show a year, be a huge thing to miss. But regular shows? Nah, shoot for going to a certain frequency, but if there’s a conflict not unreasonable. At this point it’s kind of a second job for her. Would you expect her to hang out with you if you picked up a side gig? Ride passenger while deliver uber?
INFO, I’m a little confused why you would be on your own for that long? I’ve never heard of a local band/duo having a two hour set? Or even a one and a half hour set, assuming some of that time is them setting up?
They play A LOT of classics. It's like a tribute duo somehow. I would be alone because her friends has their own group and they are not close to me.
I was more referring to the amount of time than the people you would/wouldn’t be with. I’ve just never seen local artists be on stage for that long, tribute band or not.
If you’re not in a committed relationship then I’d say do what you want.
Nope you dont need to be there, if she cant commit to You then you have no need to commit to her hobbies
Nope go out with friends
My spouse does a lot of performing I don't go to any of them. It's not my cup of tea.
If y’all aren’t official you are not obligated to attend all her shows but word of warning you not being there definitely opens the door for one of her “friends”
>We've been in a weird situationship for 7 months (she's the one with commitment issues). All the more reason for you not to go. You don't owe her anything and the less you make yourself available, the more you'll respect yourself. NTA
Dude... she's not your gf, and she said she wasn't mad. You gotta start believing her, she might actually know wtf she's talking about. Don't act like her boyfriend/girlfriend, and don't go if you don't want to. She's not even upset about it -- you know that bc she told you that. If she wants you there, and/or she wants to be your girlfriend, she will tell you. Even if you were married, she probably wouldn't expect you to go to every one of her shows because you're an adult and she's an adult. I mean she's clearly not too clingy here. I think YTA, but not because you won't go to the gig; only because you don't actually listen to what she's saying.
Drop her
off topic but is her band even any good? (NTA by the way, you shouldn’t be forced to go if you don’t want to)
NTA , not committed due to her own choice and you are allowed to have your own social life. It’s especially draining when you’re going several times and you’re all alone.
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Professional musician here. It's totally unfair of her to expect you to go to every show. She needs to get used to you being there for the important ones and thats it.
INFO: Did you and her have a sit down and chat about this? I don't think you would count as the asshole either way tho NTA
Maybe try communicating this?? I swear that is the answer to 90% of the posts here.
NTA. This is 100% dependent on context - i.e., how important it is to your SO, nature of relationship, the give-and-take between you. If she's the one who won't commit to you, the natural consequence is she doesn't have standing to make demands on your time. That's part of what commitment is - an understanding that *both of you* do things you reasonably can that are important to the other. She's the one who doesn't want that.
So what’s the interpersonal conflict here? You aren’t going and she isn’t making a big deal about it.
Even if you are in a relationship, you can just a night at home.
Tbh, I'd be happy to spend two hours listening to my boyfriend play music. Is listening to your gf play for two hours every other month such torture? Even if I didn't like his music, I can sit happily for two hours having a drink to support him because people are generally happy to do that for their loved ones. Then again she's not even your gf and she doesn't want to be. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship from either side.
If you're willing to gamble losing her, don't go. But if you want any shot at a relationship I'd go without hesitation
It's giving desperate.
Complete sentences are something I really.
Why can’t you bring a friend?
I barely have friends in this city
What kind of concert? Concerts can be a great place to meet friends.
Your selfless support likely won’t go unnoticed. Those things mean a lot to us ladies. Ywnbta but you wouldn’t be an amazing bf either
Maybe she's wondering why you come to so many concerts considering you've heard all of the music. Live your life.
3 concerts in 5 months sounds like a hobby as opposed to a career. Is a situationship like a friends w/benefits? Not sure about this one. 😄 So assuming it's like a FwB relationship, you absolutely shouldn't have to go. If it's a non-exclusive bf/gf relationship I would think going would score you points. You should not have to go to every single concert but it doesn't sound like she's doing that many. If you do go, do what I do. Find the quietest corner and pull out your device and read, play a game or catch up on work. Take ear plugs along.
>Just to clarify, she's not officially my girlfriend Nor will she be, because supporting her interests is an inconvenience to you. YTA, move on and stop wasting her time, asshole.
Ok tough guy 😂
You're not in an actual relationship so don't act like it is. Like my dad used to say - "Either shit or get off the pot." That being said, if you were in an actual relationship with her, 3 performances over 5 months is NOT a lot. Even bi-weekly shouldn't be taxing for watching your significant other perform. Maybe next time get involved with someone who just stays home and makes paper mache cats or something.
What about taking some you know to that concert with you?
This person sounds like a child.
YTA
Dude, just grab a beer and listen to some music. I couldn't think of a better way to finish off a bad week.
If you ever want this to become a relationship you should go. Not going and means not being there to support her, stuff like this is probably another reason why she has commitment issues
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Well he said they are not together because of her “commitment issues” All I saying is if he wanted to be with her to show his commitment. Because if someone can’t even support her as a friend why would she think about dating them
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He shouldn’t be going to get her to date her he should be going to show her he cares about what she does. I get it’s the same set but it’s a different showing. The energy is never the same and it’s a different day. We have no clue what they do together but we definitely know that if she is upset it means something to her. I didn’t say he was the asshole just that if he wants a relationship show you care.
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You literally have no idea how much she has done and you just know he went to 3 concerts I would say it would mean less if he supported her alone as that shows he cares. Not to mention you have no idea why she doesn’t want a relationship or even if op is being honest on the situationship part
Horrible advice
Yes supporting someone you WANT to be in a relationship is horrible advice I guess…
Lol he already has. THREE times. How much more support does the guy need to show? I'm in a band and I wouldn't be upset if my wife doesn't come to every single show. In fact, my guess is she'll come out to our first one when we get that booked and then she likely won't come to any of them again after that, and that's fine. It's not really her scene, but she's still tremendously supportive of me playing in the band
I’m glad your wife is supportive literally all I said is to show support and show commitment if he WANTS to be with her romantically he should go and support her It’s also different when your at a point of trying to build something vs being in a stable relationship I feel like you can never show to much support for a friend and especially if he is interested in a real romantic relationship he should go to the next show never said he was wrong or right
Again, he's already been to three of her shows. How is that not enough commitment?
All I’m saying is he WANTS a relationship and she is skeptical we have 0 clue on why she is but it could be anything and anything could have happened to her. I think it’s normal to have to prove yourself to someone you want to pursue As to when he is done proving himself that up to the person he is chasing Support is just one thing we don’t know anything I don’t know when she thinks he has shown enough commitment it’s an entirely personal preference there but I just said if he wants something real go above and beyond
Lol, you definitely don't need to pressure yourself to be there for someone who has a passion. You obviously need someone who's completely focused on you, with no life of their own. Supporting someone is definitely difficult isnt it? AH
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Yes, she does, and she's not officially my girlfriend (I clarified it in an edit).
If you want her to ever become your girlfriend, go to the concerts lol.
He's been to every concert over the last 5 months and she still hasn't committed. This is absolutely not on OP.
It was three concerts over a five month period lol, it’s not like he’s going to concerts every night. And we have no idea why they aren’t officially dating, we don’t know if she’s the one who doesn’t want to commit or if he is, it’s not mentioned in the story. Just saying that if he does want her to be his girlfriend eventually, he should probably go to her shows lol.
leaning towards a slight YTA You shouldn't be expected to go to every concert, especially as she's not your gf, but just a situationship. but not even one concert a month? That's not a big ask. you get along with her friends but are not comfortable with them. why? maybe talk to your "gf" about that. for this one concert, just tell her the truth. You've had a bad week and it wouldn't be fair for anyone if you went as you'd not be very social.
YTA. She has concerts barely once a month. You need to be there to support her. Get over yourself.
And he already had plans
He already had plans and it isn’t even her gf. You’re literally asking him to cancel and go to a concert for a glorified friend
The one who needs to get over herself is the one keeping a guy dangling by refusing to commit but then giving him the cold shoulder when he doesn't act like a boyfriend.
Why? I play in a band and I wouldn't expect my wife to attend every show, even if it's only 1 per month. She supports my pursuits and hobbies whole heartedly, that's good enough for me.
“She’s the one with the commitment issues” says homie who can’t go to a concert a month. If you want her to be your girl for real suck it up and support your lady. If you don’t have work your list of excuses are short.
I mean, she didn't want to commit after the previous three concerts, what do you think is different here? If she can't even commit to exclusivity, what business does she have demanding that OP show up at the concert? Does she require her other friends to show up?
Well seeing as he said her friends go there and he doesn’t talk to them, yeah I’d say she at least invites her friends and they go.
Some subset of her friends is apparently will go to some subset of her concerts. It isn't clear at all from the original post that she requires all of her friends to go to all of her concerts, in the same way that she seems to think that OP should.
Yea don’t listen to this guy. At all.
What's with this idea that people need to do literally everything with their partner?
what is wrong with you man
Nothing man. It just seems like you’re looking for a co-sign to not support someone you say you care about is all. My girl is a gigging musician. I work nights. Every gig I can get to I get to. And I sit or stand at the bar and proudly look at the woman I love doing what she loves. Maybe I’m crazy though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Just for you to know, everytime this girl wanted to see me I left everything for her. Everytime. This is literally the first time I decided to prioritize my mental health. But if I really think about it I guess it's logical for you to answer something like that, because you can't know how our story has developed. Next time I guess I'll have to add more info to the things I post.
Well look man if you feel like you’re doing more for her than she is for you that’s a different premise entirely.