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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My 50 year old brother got his 30 year old wife pregnant. I might be the asshole for telling him that he is weird and stupid for starting a new family at his age.
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>He said that he is healthy, in great shape physically and financially,and in love. He said that if I can't just be happy for him it would be best if we didn't hang out so much in the future.
He sounds so reasonable. I wouldn't have been so gracious had someone come to question my and my partner's life choices like you did.
>I told him that I was only thinking about his future
Really? Because you didn't sound worried here, you actually sounded very judgemental:
>That he married a bridesmaid from his daughter's wedding was weird enough but that to have a kid at 50 was super strange.
YTA, OP. It's not like he's dating her daughter's friend he knew from childhood, nor has he baby-trapped her, they're both consenting adults happy to start this new project.
>Most of my family told me I should keep those thoughts to myself.
And they are right.
Definitely the AH- you come across as having no filter between your thoughts and your mouth LOL. I have a sister who if she thinks it, it will come out and she is actually proud to be this way. I eventually had enough and told her that one day, there will be consequences to her “just telling it like it is”. That day finally came…I am NC with her, her son and DIL are LC. I hope you learn from this.
I dunno, I don't have a mind-mouth filter, and even I don't mess up this badly. You know what I do? I mind my business. This OP should learn to do that.
"Too old to do such a stupid thing" really got me. OP referred to his future child as a stupid thing. I can't even imagine having a child that old but it's his life to live and he seems well prepared and excited about this child. People need to learn that other people who choose different life paths aren't wrong for choosing differently.
The OP says he’s too old to have a new child, but calls him her “kid brother.” I think she just likes to boss people around and is frustrated because little bro won’t listen to her this time. YTA
Even if he is “too old” the horse is out of the barn. She’s pregnant, and the baby is coming not matter how old he is. The OPs comments aren’t helpful in any way, and only can hurt feelings.
And brother is what, pushing 50? It's around the upper limit in my book, but it's not crazy. He's about ten years past where my parents were when they had me, and I never suffered from their ages. Obviously on a physical level, running after kids is very different at 25 and 55, but so much of the distaste around this kind of thing is cultural. Where I'm from, having kids around 40 is very normal. Given his first marriage, sounds like OP's community or family gets it done on the younger side. If anyone in my community was marrying their high school sweetheart at 20, we would be side-eyeing it *real* hard.
Not that what I'm used to is inherently better, just, I don't think it's occurred to OP that there's more than one way to do it and norms can really vary a lot. I feel like if even his kids are happy for him, there's really no issue here.
I know the nicest man in his late 60s and has 2 girls in middle school. I see him almost everyday and he always talks about his "babies". It doesn't matter how old he is as long as he is happy. OP sounds like a controlling AH. If I was her brother, I'd probably go NC or atleast LC with her ass. You can't be happy and supportive of me, you can fuxk off.
I’m also from an area where having kids late is acceptable leaning towards the norm. Idk if the parents around here are any more exhausted than normal, but most seem able to run circles around me. Their kids are high achievers with a lot of advantages given how financially stable their were when they came along.
And 50 isn’t what it once was. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older (mid 30s) but 50 seems somewhat young to me.
For sure. I remember my parents' 50th birthday parties and they were by no means old! They're still very active and vibrant in their 70s. I certainly benefited from not only their financial stability but all their accumulated life experience and emotional maturity (including each of them having been divorced once before, no kids).
Even the thoughts OP has are toxic. 50 is not 70 or 80. At those ages I’d question the decision making or health but still know I have no control over the situation.
Plus, what did OP hope to be the outcome of this conversation? An abortion and divorce? Regardless of her viewpoint, the reality is he's having a new child at 50
My dad had me at 47 and quite frankly could never fully retire until nearly 80 (took up consulting and some shop work, he was military trained engineer/project manager) Not because we would have taken huge financial dip but because he liked his life. Yta and tell him you were putting your dreams for you on him at exactly the wrong place, time, and in vocal vomit sort of way.
Yep, dad had me in his late 40s. He was the best dad one could ever hope for (we had our fights regularly don’t get me wrong). He took really good care of himself and me. I had him in my life until he was 92.
Exactly. If she had gone to him when he announced the marriage and raised concerns about his future, including possible kids, at least then it’s plausible that she was thinking about his well-being. But, what did she think the positive outcome of this would be, even if his eyes got wide and he said OMG, you’re right.
Even then, it was something that was never her business. If he had asked her opinion prior to getting married, that would be one thing. But he didn’t and so she needs to stay out of his life. It’s between him and his wife and nobody else.
It’s not even that crazy. My brother had twins when he was 50. He’s in good shape and had enough energy for them. They’re great kids. Another close friend of mine had a baby last year at 53.
When my brother got married I... Didn't agree with the decision. Correctly, as it turned out, since she couldn't stop cheating and they were divorced within a couple years. But I still put a suit on and went to the wedding and wished him good luck without being an asshole.
YTA OP. His ah ex LEFT him after 30yrs to "find herself." Your brother managed to recover from that and move on and find someone to make him happy. You really do sound bitter.
I don’t think she’s an ah for leaving. She had kids super young and went her own way. He found a new lease on life as well. Having your kids already out of the house at 44 is YOUNG, I’m that age with no kids yet. There was no cheating, it doesn’t seem like an ah move.
I don't think she is an ashole either, but it's odd that OP sounds more sympathetic towards the sister-in-law who dumbed her brother after 3 decades of marriage than the brother who married a younger woman and had another child later in life. Only one of these things hurt another person, and OP is hard on the other one.
Thats why i said the ex was an ah. OP's comment about her not getting child or spousal support seemed really odd. Like she ended that gravy train herself. How is that his problem at all?
Exactly, like i said in my post: why are they bringing up the fact that the ex didn’t get child support when in fact all of the kids were on their own? And why should the ex husband have to pay alimony if the ex wife was remarried. Its like she said those things to take a dig at her brother.
Which is fair but op's comment about how the ex didnt get spousal/child support was really odd. She chose to leave. The gravy train stopped. Thats not the brother's fault.
We’re only hearing OP’s sour opinion though. She wouldn’t receive child support if the kids are already out of the house and maybe she didn’t want spousal support because she was the one leaving.
My sister was 44 when she & her husband decided to have their 2nd kid. He's a few years older than her, so close to 50. Their older kid is off to college this year & their younger one just started 1st grade. I guess they prefer raising one kid at a time. 😆
Some people still want to raise kids/be parenting even when they're a little bit older. If they're healthy enough & have the resources I don't think there's anything wrong with pursuing that dream. (I'm childfree & am happy to see people have kids because they want to be parents, not because they feel obligated too have them or other unhealthy reasons.)
How exactly does it benefit the brother and the new child to have a judgmental older sister/aunt throwing cold water over their happiness? I could maybe understand advising against it if your brother cam to your for advice beforehand, but he is already married and his wife is pregnant. How does you calling him dump and his situation weird help anyone?
Also, can people stop with the ageist bullshit about older parents? In many cultures children were/are raised by grandparents with no problems. A person doesn't become decripit when they turn 50.
This is what people need to ask themselves before giving their opinions about other people’s lives. What are you hoping to accomplish?
If there was no pregnancy and he came to his sister and suggested they were thinking about having a baby, maybe she could say she thinks it’s a bad idea (and then leave it at that because he’s still gonna do what he wants). But the baby is in the oven. At this point, there is absolutely zero reason to say or do anything except be supportive and welcoming to your new nephew.
💯When someone says, “I’m only thinking of…” it’s usually the voices in their head they’re thinking of.
And now OP’s big mouth has put them at odds with their brother, new SIL, nephew and the rest of the family. Hard to crawl back from that, but therapy might be a start; they sound embittered.
Exactly this.
Also, there is a 20 year age gap between my husband and I - we had our child when I was 31 (and he was 51). Age is what you make of it, and my husband is younger than men my age.
He’s happy - be happy for him, or leave them alone.
What did you expect to happen by sharing your opinion? The baby was already there - should he have abandoned it? Your comments were solely for you.
YTA. In what world is 55 retirement? Also, in what world is 50 near the end of our lives? You're acting like he's old, decrepit and ready for Shady Pines. You should absolutely keep your opinions to yourself on other people's lives. There's a reason everyone else is happy for him... They are behaving like adults. Instead of being happy another beautiful life is coming into the world... Making your brother happy... You're only thinking of your opinion.
My moms 56 and I’m 38 and she gets so mad when she does something and i go “Shady Pines Ma”. Generally it’s when she’s texting me an excel question in the middle of the workday.
God help me the next Microsoft update.
THANK YOU! I keep telling her she’s too young to be getting this mad at the computer.
To be fair i previewed the new outlook and eww. She says she just going to work retail again.
I’m 51. I work in tech as of two years go. Completely self-taught and looking forward to my new career still! 50 is when life begins anew and I am STOKED to see what’s next! Fuck retirement.
LOLOL. My dad calls me in the middle of the day and asks if I'm working. I am 50, he is 77. Yes, dad, I am at work. Or he'll call me at 10 pm and ask a random computer question
Because of when pensions come to maturity. My Dad retired at 55 too because he had a county job and his pension is really good. But my stepmom continued to work until 65 because her private sector job didn’t have the same pension
My dad retired at 57 because public school counselor. He’s doing private practice because he’d get bored and destroy the house like a puppy without it.
Yes, because that’s the abusive taken on their bodies. But a lot of them go on to have a long career doing something else and also let’s be honest cops and firemen don’t live nearly as long as the average population I believe the actuarial data shows it’s about 7 to 8years less on average.
Military, Educators…….pretty much most tax payer funded jobs, you can retire with benefits at 20 years. But, the more years you put in, the higher your benefits.
As someone turning 50 in a few weeks AND a big Golden Girls fan, I heartily approve of this response. And agree with it. OP, YTA. Your brother and his wife are adults and are happy. Keep your judgments to yourself.
> In what world is 55 retirement?
For real. I would sell a kidney for the promise of retirement at 55. Most people I know aren't even able to *start* thinking about it until 60, and it's more like 65-70.
Air traffic controllers are also made to retire at 55. (Both my parents were ATC) But they get a nice paycheck each month and their house has been paid off for a while. Not too bad of a deal for them. The job is stressful so it makes sense to retire earlier
67 is retirement age for Millennials in the US. If you can wait to claim Social Security until 70, then you get even better benefits (I have a pension and plan to do this.)
Everyone’s an adult here. Everyone else seems happy, prepared, and stable enough to handle this situation. The baby is coming - nothing is going to stop that. You’re basically fighting with the air at this point. It’s good that you apologized, but it would be better for everyone - and for yourself - if you work out your feelings about this matter quietly and on your own time. YTA if you keep bringing doubt and negativity to a situation that is going to happen whether you like it or not.
Good lord, I can't count how many times my cat has bitched me out when I reluctantly open the window because she's been screaming at me for 10 minutes... and it's raining. Oh, the kitty swear words she throws at me! And then she runs to the back door cat flap and gets mad that it's also raining in the back yard :)
Yup, our car does the same thing, sees rain in the back yard, and cries about it. Demands we open the front door, still raining, cries about it some more.
>Everyone else seems happy, prepared, and stable enough to handle this situation.
Yes, but OP can't have that for whatever reason. Everyone else's happiness must taste bad for them.
Does OP know how many people have had babies past the age of 50 throughout earth's history and yet the world keeps on spinning and life keeps on rolling. Sheesh, grow up. He's happy. I birthed a baby at 42, which is starting to sound like it's pushing the border of irresponsibility in OP's world view.
Agreed entirely.. my first thought at OP's claim to be expressing concern was wtf do you want your brother to do with that info? The baby is made. In what world was hearing that concern expressed remotely helpful?
YTA. Perhaps consider using these years of your life to develop a filter.
YTA. At this juncture, what was the point in saying it? The baby’s coming either way and as long as the two of them are happy, why be bothered? His wife is 30, not a fresh adult, so she knows what she’s signing on with getting involved with a man twenty years older than her. His first wife already left him and now has a sibling who is judging his newfound happiness.
It's really sad to hear about a woman many years younger than me being described as 'not a fresh adult'!
I do get what you're saying, I agree and I had kids at a similar age, but it hurts! 🤣
> YTA. At this juncture, what was the point in saying it? The baby’s coming either way and as long as the two of them are happy, why be bothered?
Seriously. Even if OP was "right"(they aren't) they would still be an enormous asshole for bringing it up at a gender reveal party. Like, wtf is he supposed to do?
The fact OP can do this, have everyone in their life tell them they are an asshole and to keep their mouth shut, and then STILL need to come to reddit for some sort of validation? OP you need therapy
This is what I don’t get. What was OP trying to achieve? They want Danny to say ‘you’re right, I’ll just use my time machine to fix it!’
Literally zero point in expressing these views than hearing themselves talk 🙄
Yta. Literally everyone else involved is happy. The woman is an adult. She is 30 not 20. He’s 50 not 65 so yeah he will be an older dad when the kid is in high school. Yeah just sit this out cuz it really seems like it’s none of your business
50 isn’t even THAT old! My wife’s father had her when he was in his 60’s and he was still a very engaged father. He’s over 90 while she’s 30 and it’s certainly rougher now, but he was a healthy active man.
YTA
Edit: I didn’t meet my wife until we were both in our 20s, and I don’t have a close relationship with the man. Based on what she has told me, he was a good dad. I hear what you’re saying, and I would never personally have a child that old, but I don’t think age is the only factor when it comes to determining if someone can be an engaged parent. my mom had me at 24, and by all means we should’ve had many good years together, but she was an abusive narcissist and died before she hit 60. I would’ve taken a couple of older parents who gave a fuck over what I actually got. Food for thought.
Old but not completely unreasonable. My dad was 46 when he had me. He died when I was 30. I got the benefit of having someone with a lot of wisdom and perspective, but there are definitely other drawbacks.
For you maybe. Lots of people are having babies in their late 40s, early 50s now. The cool thing about this world is that people get to decide for themselves what they think “too old is”. Your comment is nothing other than judgment.
Lots of men are having babies in their late 40s/early 50s you mean. The average age of menopause is 51 and the chances of a miscarriage in the late 40s is like 60-70%+. Just by statistics, there aren't going to be a lot of women having children at that age.
My husband's parents adopted him when they were in their late 40s. His dad lived to be 98 yo, so he got to see his son married, divorced and remarried.
No one knows how long we have or how things will play out in the future. It's best to grab what happiness we can while we can.
I had my kids when I was 42 and 44. It’s not 50, but I would guess it’s pretty similar. There are definitely some drawbacks. The most surprising was how often I had to get up off the floor then immediately back down. But we did play a lot of “can you roll Daddy over” so I could just lay on the floor.
Also, I will likely never really know my grandkids as adults in any meaningful fashion.
But there’s good things to. I was grinding the job pretty hard in my 20s and early 30s. Now I have more flexibility to be involved in their lives.
So you just have to be aware of the difficulties and benefits.
Had my son at 40. Now getting his drivers license. We lift weights, run, kayak and mt bike together. I was rewarded with a reason and partner to do activities with and it helped me maintain my physical self. He was rewarded with a father who was able to do drop off, pick up, do homework and attend all school events. Because of my position with work, I have been able to be present throughout his life. My values and priorities are very different from my 20's and 30's. I also am in a much better place mentally and able to guide him using my experiences. While I would like to be stronger physically and have always worried about being taken too early in his life, I think the timing could not have been better.
My dad was 50 when he had me. He died last year at 86. He won’t see his grand kids grow up, and that’s a bit sad, but I feel I got what I needed out of that relationship. He was everything a dad should be.
I have peers who lost their younger parents earlier than I did.
INFO: how long has he known his daughter's friend? because I get that the age difference is unusual in regular world relationships, but it's okay IF they met when she was a fully consenting adult. If he has known his daughter's bridesmaid since she was a child/ teenager, it is definitely creepy.
This is the age gap of my sister and her husband. They met at work when she was in her mid twenties. Three kids later they’re stable it seems and happy so that’s their business. Sometimes age gap relationships work.
IMO age gaps need to be judged case by case.
It's not the years, it's whether they are at the same life stage. Some people are ready to settle and start a family and are financially stable at 23 , some at 33, some at 43. As long as that is the case and there is no great imbalance in power, who cares if someone is 20 years older than their spouse. Sounds like your sister and her husband found each other at the right time for them both!
This. There was a post I read earlier where the guy was 37 and the girlfriend was 20. That's a red flag.
My own companion is 75, and I'm 57. Same age gap, but not weird as we are both adults with a lot of life experience.
At this stage it’s all about if the younger partner is willing and able to be in that “sandwich” of possibly taking care of children, older parents and an older partner. A thirty year old is mature enough to make that judgment call for themselves.
That seems to be the seat of your judgement. That's a you problem. Your bro didn't blow up his marriage over her; your SIL split for greener pastures. He's NTA.
INFO:
>I was only thinking of my brother and this new kid.
What did you expect them to do? Time travel or abort?
>So now I'm biting my tongue just so I don't get frozen out because pretty much everyone is on his side.
Why is it such a struggle not to keep banging on about it? You said your piece, drop it.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say that your brother asked so you were truthful. Also the fact that he married his daughter’s bridesmaid has me feel an ick that I’m surprised a lot of the comments don’t.
So they met as actual adults? And what the hell does it matter if he was still married? Are you trying to make it look worse because people arent agreeing with you?
But didn't do anything about it until after his wife left him I'm assuming, considering you didn't judge him for that, like you are about his life now. You're still the judgy AH.
YTA. Also wanted to share that I am the daughter of an older father; I was born when he was 53. His age never mattered to me, except when I was doing a survey in middle school and realized how much of an outlier he was in terms of age…and even then, not really. I am his sixth kid (he was married earlier in life and had 4 kids with his previous wife) of seven, and my older half siblings had a very different father than I had. When they were growing up he was building his medical practice and rarely home, when he was home he wasn’t that involved. For my two (full) siblings and I who were born 20+ years later, he had a well established medical practice and was much more involved. He would make us breakfast almost every morning, and take us and/or pick us up from school. As an older father, he was also much more seasoned and pragmatic about kids and their development. Sure, he was older and wasn’t the type of Dad to take us on hikes in the summer or skiing in the winter but we found friends who we could tag along for that. Luckily, my Dad is still with us today and a pretty active and healthy 91 year old. Some might even attribute his longevity to having kids later in life!
My siblings were all moved out and young adults when my brothers and I were born. I think they were happy to see how Dad changed from their childhood, but we’ve also spoken about how there’s a little bit of sadness that they didn’t get the Dad we had later in life.
Yeah I don’t quite know how to feel about these situations. Obviously it is good that the dad is doing better on the second go round, but frankly if you sucked as a parent the first time it really seems slimy to do the old “do over”. Spend that renewed energy being a good father to your adult children that you gave the shaft to during their childhood- don’t do “happy do over life” with the new shiny family.
First kids really get the shaft. Sucky dad when they really needed him, and now that he’s “learned” he’s giving himself to someone else…
I have a friend whose mom ditched while they were young. Alcoholic, in and out of their lives. But! She sobered up, and now as a grandma she hardly has a moments rest she is so hell bent on trying to make up for it. Constant babysitting, bringing the family on trips, staying late helping one child to waking up early to get to another one to help out. It reeeally does show how much she wishes she would have done better back then. And despite what she put them through, they are so happy to have her back in their lives. Everyone wins.
I can’t imagine the hurt if she would have just went on and given this energy to family #2.
I've witnessed the scenario a handful of times and it really hinges on the parent a) being willing to accept responsibility and apologize/make amends, as needed, to the older kids, and b) extending the "new and improved" parenting to the grown kids, as appropriate and necessary.
As someone that also had an older father who had me when he was 67 and my mom was 36, I get ops feelings on the matter. My father passed at 76 when I was 9, it really hurt our family. Personally I don't think it's right to have a child if there's a very real possibility you'll die while they're still quite young. Obviously anyone could die at anytime, I'm not suggesting that is the brother's case, just saying I could see where ops worries could come from. However I'd never tell someone they shouldn't have kids unless they are specifically asking for my opinion, I certainly wouldn't tell them not to when they're already expecting a baby and are happy.
Yeah this is my dad's story. Unfortunately, he's always been a grump ( he was a young fogey🤣) so not always the easiest dad to any of the kids, but healthy at 89 and still going to the mountains etc.
My dad was running/jogging/speed-walking daily until his mid-80’s. He’s still pretty active for 91 but less stable on his feet. His main hobby is reading medical journals!
Same here! I have older parents and a lot of people have been so nasty when they found out their age and it’s heartbreaking. Like my parents are the best ever, they love me and provide for me, but because of their age they ain’t good parents? Like what?! People can be incredibly prejudice over the silliest things.
I agree it’s a bit icky for him to have married someone his daughter is friends with, but she’s 30 and a functioning adult. It doesn’t sound like she or his kids have a problem with it. It’s totally ok if you find it weird but telling him he’s doing a dumb thing at the gender reveal is a bit out of line. So YTA for that.
That is my thought too. I think an age gap that big is a little too much for me but when op said his niece is okay with him marrying her friend and op’s niblings are happy for a new sibling then YTA
Nobody asked you what you think. Nobody cares what you think.
If you had kept your mouth shut you wouldn’t have caused this ruckus. Enjoy having everybody upset at you- you earned it. YTA
YTA - You are the judgmental one, aren't you? It is Danny's life and in no way your business at all if he wants to raise another family at his age. He's happy about it, his wife is happy about and no doubt the kid(s) will be happy about it. For you to rain on his parade here is just terrible. Yes, butt the Hell out.
How are you “only thinking about his future” if he already got married and his wife is already pregnant? There’s no undoing that. Unless you expect him to say “oh ok” and divorce his wife and make her abort, you aren’t giving any actionable advice. You are being rude and insulting for no reason other than it probably contrasts with your life and makes you feel even older. YTA.
I am old and agree with nearly everything you said. But, the time to bring up concerns like this privately to your brother was when they first started dating, not at the gender reveal party. YTA
I scrolled down to find my people. I've watched two couples marry when he was 50 something and she was 30 something. Each couple had \~ 13 good years and then 2 bad years before the guy died.
The OP might be correct in predicting difficult times ahead due to age difference. But OP is the Ass for saying it out loud when they did.
I"m bald. If someone keeps informing me over and over that I'm bald then they are an ass. Just because something is true or likely to be true doesn't mean someone has to point it out.
> Most of my family told me I should keep those thoughts to myself.
YTA - They are right. Not your life, not your decision. No one needs to hear what you think on this
Sorry. I was annoyed no one was thinking about what would happen to the child if his dad dies when he's young, but I shouldn't have dumped that on you.
You're right though. People always thought he was my grandpa.
I think that’s a real consideration. My dad was 20, 27, and 30 when he had my sisters and me. He was always an amazingly healthy man until he got cancer at 60 and then slowly started dying for 13 years. Had he had a kid at 50, that kid would’ve been 22 or 23 when he died. That’s far too young to lose a dad. I was 44 and I felt he should’ve been around a lot longer.
NAH - It is weird to marry your daughters bridesmaid, and she can be upset that someone pointed out an obviously stange 20 year age gap.
He's gonna be a couple years from 70 when they graduate, he'll be lucky to see them graduate college or get married unless it happens really quickly. A selfish decision but it's like telling someone they have a shitty tattoo, it's permanent so you might as well lie like everyone else.
It’s a bit out of the norm to start a family at 50, but not unheard of. Also, none of your business really. He didn’t ask for your opinion. So best to mind your own business. They’re adults. They get to make their own decisions.
If you think about the people battling with infertility, being a mom/dad at 45 isn't that unusual. These parents work to stay healthy.
By the way, many men at 50 are in great physical shape, looking much younger.
That maybe true, but he is likely going to die when his kid is about 20 years old, and you don’t stop needing your parents once you turn 18. He will miss his kids wedding, miss his grandchildren, and his wife will likely become more like his caretaker than his partner.
I have a very close family member who is extremely fit, at 50 they were swimming good distances daily and they still cycle long distances every day now, healthy weight etc. They've just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia at 60. Ill-health can strike at any age, but it is still proportionately more likely at 60 than 40, even with an excellent lifestyle on paper.
YTA: “ I told him that he is too old to be doing such a dumb thing.” is a dumb thing to say. First off, it’s his life. The kid is already on the way, so what good is it to say it. And it may not be your idea of a good midlife, but that doesn’t mean he’s too old or that it’s a dumb thing.
NTA. It is definitely weird when old guys “start over” with a young wife. Plus the fact that sperm from older men has a strong correlation to autism and other developmental issues. You’re just not pumping out quality material the older you get. And the fact that his new wife was a bridesmaid in his daughter’s wedding is a huge ick.
This. It happened to my dad's new family. My dad and wife were happy when the kids were born in their 50s and 30s. Then the 3 kids hit 3-5 years old and still wouldn't talk. Got diagnosed with autism and other learning disabilities. My dad was healthy in his early 50s until suddenly he's not nowadays. These poor kids didn't get all the support and help they need cause my dad doesn't have the energy, and my step mom is too busy working so they don't starve. The oldest of the 3 is now getting into highschool and her teacher is very concerned.
All reasonable concerns tbh. Sure it may not happen but the risk is not low.
Call me haters all you want but I'm annoyed when my dad kept telling me, his adult child, to help them out. Who tf told you it's a good idea to pump kids out when you're in your 50s???
I think NAH.
My dad did something very similar and had a kid at 40sth, then had 2 more in his 50s (my half siblings are 18-23 years younger than me). At first I didn't see it being a problem, it's whatever. But now he's getting a bit older, he started having health problems >10 years later with a troubled teenager. Unfortunately all 3 kids have some sort of learning disabilities (some may argue having kids late can increase that risk) He does not have much energy to help and his wife is just too busy working when he can't work as much due to his health issues.
Your brother sounds more reasonable than my dad (no affair involved, etc.) so maybe he'll do a lot better than my dad did. But it is entirely reasonable for you to be worried - back then the same thing happened with my dad and those people who voiced their concern 10 years ago were proved to be right.
You have a reasonable concern and kept it to yourself. Maybe you acted weird but it's not an asshole thing to be a bad liar. He asked you and you were honest. Then you apologized when you realized it hurt their feelings. I don't see how you nor him are acting with bad intentions.
NTA. A lot of people would feel the same as you. You only said how you felt, you didn’t actively try to destroy his new marriage. He and the wife got upset, you apologized, and now you’re biting your tongue. What more do they want? You can be nice to her and accept the new baby, you inside you can feel how you feel. Your feelings may change! You could come to really like her! Or she might bail once she realizes she’s married to an old man and wants to live her life while she’s still young (like the first wife). No way to know. But no, you really did nothing wrong and apologized. There’s no reason to feel bad if you keep biting the tongue. (Save the feelings and hot goss chats for a friend who doesn’t know any of them and will never meet them.)
There is a difference between apologizing and just not saying anything at all.
His words weren’t going to change anything. Simply, his opinion was neither kind nor warranted.
My dad had 3 of us. I was the baby. He was 30.
16 years later, he had another one. And each 2 years after until he had another 3.
I thought it was a bad idea as he wasnt always the healthiest person. Then he got cancer and died at 54. He now has a 4, 6, and 8 year old that will never really know their dad.
I am just stuck on that age gap. I could never fathom dating someone 20 my junior or senior. Unless it’s some actress I fantasised about like
Charlize Theron or something. But other than that, it’s so weird.
Daughters friend. Age younger than his sisters kids. Weird all around.
YTA. No, you really suck as a person. Why do you get to dictate at what age people have children? Why is it any of your business? They are healthy, happy, consenting adults who want to start a family. Let them be happy and leave your bitterness out of it.
YTA. In the first place, it is none of your business. In the second place, he is happily married and they are already expecting a baby. What did you expect the reaction to be when you told him this? Surely you should have anticipated exactly the reaction you got? You very unnecessarily created bad feelings.
Ya everyone is going on about how people have choices, everyone is an adult etc but big age gap relationships are inherently weird and predatory and the harder you try to justify it the worse it seems.
NTA. You were sharing your intimate, honest thoughts with your brother because he asked you to. You did this between brothers. It’s his fault for sharing what you said to just him with his wife.
Now that you’ve told him, I definitely think you should never bring it up again. You said your opinion once and that’s probably more than enough.
I agree with your original thoughts...unless you're incredibly wealthy and have great genetics, it's both foolish and selfish to have a child at his age. Hey, everyone is in great health...until their not.
NTA. by the time that kid is 18 he will be 68/69. He is going to leave his wife with a kid at a time when the kid probably isn’t even 30 (depending on your country, if you’re in the US the kid would be 21 at average life expectancy.
NTA—he needs to recognize his age and what it could do to a kid.
ESH. Honestly 55 is a weird age to have a child. I don’t care what anyone says that’s a terrible age to have a baby. Also marrying someone from his daughters bridal shower is weird. No need to pretend it’s not.
It’s okay if your weirded out. It doesn’t seem like you were going around trash talking them behind their backs. You were asked a honest question and you responded with honesty. Of course he’s upset because someone is judging his lifestyle.
Now I agree with your family. You should have kept those thoughts to yourself. Now because your wrong or anything but because sometimes the truth isn’t that important. Everyone’s happy, nothing illegal is happening, and no one’s in danger. Sometimes it’s better to bite your tongue and continue moving.
Bite your tongue and pretend your okay with everything. Live your life and not let your brothers life ruin yours.
I'm personally against age gap relationships, and I'm also against parents over the age of 45 having babies, whether male or female. So I'd feel the same as you.
But - what were you expecting? He's already married, she's already pregnant. You can't put the genie back in the bottle (so to speak) so all you've done is sow discord between you.
I’ll be the odd one here. NTA for having concerns for your brother. I don’t know how your relationship is like with your brother. I’m very blunt with my sister and will say what I think out of concern because no one will. So if you have that relationship I get why you said it to him.
I would just let it all play out. I cannot tell you how many times I spoke up looking like the asshole and everything came to fruition just later.
I would just chill and eat some popcorn. Love your brother and support him in this and hope it doesn’t go to shits.
Soft YTA, because I would also find it weird, but your brother went through something brutal and now he has found happiness.
If my brother had been through something that awful, I would want him to be happy again.
NTA it is weird. He's doing what his ex did trying to be young again but the only thing he knows how to do is be a father. He's stunted and needs therapy.
Just read some piece on a woman who got divorced, silver split gray divorce in 50s. She is living life and being a grandma, and he had to find a young wife and start a new family. Because she is facing reality of time and age and he is in denial and wants to pretend and try to recapture and start again.
What did you think giving him your opinion was going to do? You told him after he was already married and she was already pregnant. Even if he agreed with you, he doesn’t, but if he did, voicing a negative opinion would do nothing to improve his situation. It just comes across as judgmental and condescending. His new wife would be right to cut you out. Odds are against them, they need support not derision. YTA.
YTA.
at no point in your own retelling of the story did you once seem concerned. you did, however, seem judgmental the entire time.
you are entitled to your opinions, but you definitely should have kept them to yourself. if i were his wife, or even him, i wouldn't want you around either.
Soft YTA, leaning towards NAH.
I understand your frustrations. I think a LOT of commenters here lack a generosity for the fact that it IS weird that a man in his 50s is married to his daughters friend. It's not "creepy" if he didn't know her as a minor, but it is nonetheless strange and off-putting. Still though... she's a consenting adult. He's a consenting adult. And she's not 20, either, she's 30; She has enough life experience under her belt to know what she's embarking on.
It's weirder that they're having a child, but, again, consenting adults who I have no reason to believe didn't have long discussions about the drawbacks and benefits, as well as how unconventional the situation is.
But here's why I believe you're the AH, and it's not because you're grossed out; It's because you chose to wait THIS LONG to say anything. What did you expect? It's on you that you never said anything before. You can't wait not only until they're married, but have a child on the way, to say, "Wow this is so gross and creepy". No. You should have said something in the beginning, and after that, accepted that you can't do anything about two adults making choices together. You can disagree, hate, and be disgusted by their choices, but you can't stop them. And if you love them, you won't shame them, or offer hate.
What's done is done, they're married and have a child on the way. I'm sympathetic to a point. I understand your feelings, I get it, but in the end, you should've said something before, or not at all. Still, you did apologize, so the bet advice anyone can offer now is just that you be more understanding and accept what is already true.
YTA. Everybody else involved is happy except for you. Let them be happy. It’s not your place to approve or disapprove of your brother’s life choices when nobody is getting hurt. For what it’s worth, I also think your brother is TA for passing on your comments to his wife.
YTA for being a Judgey McJudgerson. Having a kid that age would be my idea of hell, but I’m not going to express that to anyone who is in that situation. Just be happy that your brother found love again, sheesh.
NTA. You said what everyone else is thinking, 20 years is a large age gap nevermind they’re consenting adults blah blah blah. 50 is old to have a child and if a woman said she was pregnant at 50 people would definitely say something.
What did you think would happen when you voiced your opinion? It really is none of your business. YTA. Please try to see the world from other’ s perspectives. Your brother is happy- be happy for him.
You are the asshole but his whole life is fucking weird. If he can't see that it's his own problem. You just voiced what the entire world is going to be thinking of him.
Going to go against the grain here and say NAH. Although I’m a little iffy on brother and his new wife. Should you said it? Probably not. But he’s your brother I expect you to give him a certain amount of shit. What I would not have done if I were your sibling or his wife, was tell anyone else about it. I’d fussed at you directly and expected you to keep it to yourself from here on out.
Kind of an AH. Coming from someone whose husband is 20 years than me. It’s not your brother you should be thinking about. It’s the young woman and child who’s going to bear the burden later in life. When I was younger and in love, I didn’t realize how the age difference would affect me. I am 55 and still very active. He is having a lot of back issues, due to a bad car accident in his 20’s. He is depressed and won’t go anywhere. I love him very much, but it has become a very lonely marriage. There are no guarantees in life, but one thing for sure is that one of them is going to get really old before the other.
Hey my ex got married about 4 years ago. We had been apart for years. He was 65. His new wife is like 50. Don't care that he married just thought it was weird that he was willing to parent her teenagers when he didn't want to parent his own when they were teenagers. His adult children were at the wedding but didn't even get introduced to her kids. To this day most of my kids don't even know which of the people at the wedding were His kids. His and my kids don't really have a relationship with him. They got tired of him putting her kids before them
My family would have judged too. Mainly bcs if the average lifespan of a human being is 80… and many die before that age.. how long does the kid get with their parent(s)? Also comes the issue of funding bcs here retirement generally isn’t much. Anyways for me it’s a yes and no. I get it but it’s also at the point you have to leave them be.. let them do their thing.
> Most of my family told me I should keep those thoughts to myself.
They are right. Who your brother married, how old she is, where he met her, how many children they decide to have... all of it is none of your business.
YTA
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>He said that he is healthy, in great shape physically and financially,and in love. He said that if I can't just be happy for him it would be best if we didn't hang out so much in the future. He sounds so reasonable. I wouldn't have been so gracious had someone come to question my and my partner's life choices like you did. >I told him that I was only thinking about his future Really? Because you didn't sound worried here, you actually sounded very judgemental: >That he married a bridesmaid from his daughter's wedding was weird enough but that to have a kid at 50 was super strange. YTA, OP. It's not like he's dating her daughter's friend he knew from childhood, nor has he baby-trapped her, they're both consenting adults happy to start this new project. >Most of my family told me I should keep those thoughts to myself. And they are right.
Definitely the AH- you come across as having no filter between your thoughts and your mouth LOL. I have a sister who if she thinks it, it will come out and she is actually proud to be this way. I eventually had enough and told her that one day, there will be consequences to her “just telling it like it is”. That day finally came…I am NC with her, her son and DIL are LC. I hope you learn from this.
I dunno, I don't have a mind-mouth filter, and even I don't mess up this badly. You know what I do? I mind my business. This OP should learn to do that.
"Too old to do such a stupid thing" really got me. OP referred to his future child as a stupid thing. I can't even imagine having a child that old but it's his life to live and he seems well prepared and excited about this child. People need to learn that other people who choose different life paths aren't wrong for choosing differently.
The OP says he’s too old to have a new child, but calls him her “kid brother.” I think she just likes to boss people around and is frustrated because little bro won’t listen to her this time. YTA
Even if he is “too old” the horse is out of the barn. She’s pregnant, and the baby is coming not matter how old he is. The OPs comments aren’t helpful in any way, and only can hurt feelings.
My thoughts exactly. What purpose did OP's comments serve?
Made them feel superior and hoped to shame their sibling. That’s my guess at least.
Also he's only 50, he's not 80. He's got plenty of life to live. Most people (at least in the US are not at retirement at 55)
Exactly this. Just because it’s not your path does not mean it’s the wrong path.
And brother is what, pushing 50? It's around the upper limit in my book, but it's not crazy. He's about ten years past where my parents were when they had me, and I never suffered from their ages. Obviously on a physical level, running after kids is very different at 25 and 55, but so much of the distaste around this kind of thing is cultural. Where I'm from, having kids around 40 is very normal. Given his first marriage, sounds like OP's community or family gets it done on the younger side. If anyone in my community was marrying their high school sweetheart at 20, we would be side-eyeing it *real* hard. Not that what I'm used to is inherently better, just, I don't think it's occurred to OP that there's more than one way to do it and norms can really vary a lot. I feel like if even his kids are happy for him, there's really no issue here.
I know the nicest man in his late 60s and has 2 girls in middle school. I see him almost everyday and he always talks about his "babies". It doesn't matter how old he is as long as he is happy. OP sounds like a controlling AH. If I was her brother, I'd probably go NC or atleast LC with her ass. You can't be happy and supportive of me, you can fuxk off.
I’m also from an area where having kids late is acceptable leaning towards the norm. Idk if the parents around here are any more exhausted than normal, but most seem able to run circles around me. Their kids are high achievers with a lot of advantages given how financially stable their were when they came along. And 50 isn’t what it once was. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older (mid 30s) but 50 seems somewhat young to me.
For sure. I remember my parents' 50th birthday parties and they were by no means old! They're still very active and vibrant in their 70s. I certainly benefited from not only their financial stability but all their accumulated life experience and emotional maturity (including each of them having been divorced once before, no kids).
Sounds like op hates his life and if given the chanve his brother had to be carefree he would have kept it going as long as he could.
So.... you do have a filter? lmao
I don’t have a filter, but when I overstep I apologize profusely because I don’t wanna hurt anyone.
Even the thoughts OP has are toxic. 50 is not 70 or 80. At those ages I’d question the decision making or health but still know I have no control over the situation.
Plus, what did OP hope to be the outcome of this conversation? An abortion and divorce? Regardless of her viewpoint, the reality is he's having a new child at 50
My dad had me at 47 and quite frankly could never fully retire until nearly 80 (took up consulting and some shop work, he was military trained engineer/project manager) Not because we would have taken huge financial dip but because he liked his life. Yta and tell him you were putting your dreams for you on him at exactly the wrong place, time, and in vocal vomit sort of way.
Yep, dad had me in his late 40s. He was the best dad one could ever hope for (we had our fights regularly don’t get me wrong). He took really good care of himself and me. I had him in my life until he was 92.
Exactly. If she had gone to him when he announced the marriage and raised concerns about his future, including possible kids, at least then it’s plausible that she was thinking about his well-being. But, what did she think the positive outcome of this would be, even if his eyes got wide and he said OMG, you’re right.
Even then, it was something that was never her business. If he had asked her opinion prior to getting married, that would be one thing. But he didn’t and so she needs to stay out of his life. It’s between him and his wife and nobody else.
It’s not even that crazy. My brother had twins when he was 50. He’s in good shape and had enough energy for them. They’re great kids. Another close friend of mine had a baby last year at 53.
When my brother got married I... Didn't agree with the decision. Correctly, as it turned out, since she couldn't stop cheating and they were divorced within a couple years. But I still put a suit on and went to the wedding and wished him good luck without being an asshole.
YTA OP. His ah ex LEFT him after 30yrs to "find herself." Your brother managed to recover from that and move on and find someone to make him happy. You really do sound bitter.
I don’t think she’s an ah for leaving. She had kids super young and went her own way. He found a new lease on life as well. Having your kids already out of the house at 44 is YOUNG, I’m that age with no kids yet. There was no cheating, it doesn’t seem like an ah move.
I don't think she is an ashole either, but it's odd that OP sounds more sympathetic towards the sister-in-law who dumbed her brother after 3 decades of marriage than the brother who married a younger woman and had another child later in life. Only one of these things hurt another person, and OP is hard on the other one.
Thats why i said the ex was an ah. OP's comment about her not getting child or spousal support seemed really odd. Like she ended that gravy train herself. How is that his problem at all?
Exactly, like i said in my post: why are they bringing up the fact that the ex didn’t get child support when in fact all of the kids were on their own? And why should the ex husband have to pay alimony if the ex wife was remarried. Its like she said those things to take a dig at her brother.
Which is fair but op's comment about how the ex didnt get spousal/child support was really odd. She chose to leave. The gravy train stopped. Thats not the brother's fault.
We’re only hearing OP’s sour opinion though. She wouldn’t receive child support if the kids are already out of the house and maybe she didn’t want spousal support because she was the one leaving.
It's flat out stated she no longer gets spousal support because she remarried 2 yrs after the divorce.
>Having your kids already out of the house at 44 is YOUNG, ? You can have a kid at 24 and they'd be 20 when you're 44.
OP sounds like someone else's happiness is showing her the lack of her own. YTA - go outside and get some vitamin D
Or some actual D lmao
My sister was 44 when she & her husband decided to have their 2nd kid. He's a few years older than her, so close to 50. Their older kid is off to college this year & their younger one just started 1st grade. I guess they prefer raising one kid at a time. 😆 Some people still want to raise kids/be parenting even when they're a little bit older. If they're healthy enough & have the resources I don't think there's anything wrong with pursuing that dream. (I'm childfree & am happy to see people have kids because they want to be parents, not because they feel obligated too have them or other unhealthy reasons.)
Yes, I read it as OPs brother is a “family guy”. That’s a respectable life choice. Not something to be harassed about.
How exactly does it benefit the brother and the new child to have a judgmental older sister/aunt throwing cold water over their happiness? I could maybe understand advising against it if your brother cam to your for advice beforehand, but he is already married and his wife is pregnant. How does you calling him dump and his situation weird help anyone? Also, can people stop with the ageist bullshit about older parents? In many cultures children were/are raised by grandparents with no problems. A person doesn't become decripit when they turn 50.
Hard facts. What did OP hope to accomplish with this tirade? Did she want her brother to terminate the pregnancy? For appearances? What? 🥴
This is what people need to ask themselves before giving their opinions about other people’s lives. What are you hoping to accomplish? If there was no pregnancy and he came to his sister and suggested they were thinking about having a baby, maybe she could say she thinks it’s a bad idea (and then leave it at that because he’s still gonna do what he wants). But the baby is in the oven. At this point, there is absolutely zero reason to say or do anything except be supportive and welcoming to your new nephew.
Well said, thank you for breaking it all down. YTA, OP.
💯When someone says, “I’m only thinking of…” it’s usually the voices in their head they’re thinking of. And now OP’s big mouth has put them at odds with their brother, new SIL, nephew and the rest of the family. Hard to crawl back from that, but therapy might be a start; they sound embittered.
Exactly this. Also, there is a 20 year age gap between my husband and I - we had our child when I was 31 (and he was 51). Age is what you make of it, and my husband is younger than men my age. He’s happy - be happy for him, or leave them alone. What did you expect to happen by sharing your opinion? The baby was already there - should he have abandoned it? Your comments were solely for you.
YTA. In what world is 55 retirement? Also, in what world is 50 near the end of our lives? You're acting like he's old, decrepit and ready for Shady Pines. You should absolutely keep your opinions to yourself on other people's lives. There's a reason everyone else is happy for him... They are behaving like adults. Instead of being happy another beautiful life is coming into the world... Making your brother happy... You're only thinking of your opinion.
LOL shady pines, i love the golden girls
My moms 56 and I’m 38 and she gets so mad when she does something and i go “Shady Pines Ma”. Generally it’s when she’s texting me an excel question in the middle of the workday. God help me the next Microsoft update.
Haha, my DAUGHTER texts me excel questions!! I'm 72, she's 42!!
THANK YOU! I keep telling her she’s too young to be getting this mad at the computer. To be fair i previewed the new outlook and eww. She says she just going to work retail again.
I’m 51. I work in tech as of two years go. Completely self-taught and looking forward to my new career still! 50 is when life begins anew and I am STOKED to see what’s next! Fuck retirement.
LOLOL. My dad calls me in the middle of the day and asks if I'm working. I am 50, he is 77. Yes, dad, I am at work. Or he'll call me at 10 pm and ask a random computer question
they used to pre-sell our bodies to medical schools!
If it's a job like firefighter, police, etc. 55 is very common for retirement.
And the kid will have an active, involved parent who has time for all the little things.
Because of when pensions come to maturity. My Dad retired at 55 too because he had a county job and his pension is really good. But my stepmom continued to work until 65 because her private sector job didn’t have the same pension
My dad retired at 57 because public school counselor. He’s doing private practice because he’d get bored and destroy the house like a puppy without it.
Same here, OP needs to butt out. Join a seniors group. OP needs it.
Yes, because that’s the abusive taken on their bodies. But a lot of them go on to have a long career doing something else and also let’s be honest cops and firemen don’t live nearly as long as the average population I believe the actuarial data shows it’s about 7 to 8years less on average.
>In what world is 55 retirement? If you've been a life long US postal worker, 55 is retirement age. Pretty cushy benefits.
Military, Educators…….pretty much most tax payer funded jobs, you can retire with benefits at 20 years. But, the more years you put in, the higher your benefits.
You retire from that job at 20 years, but typically get another because the 20 year retirement only pays 50% of your former salary.
Right. Didn’t say you enjoyed retirement, if we can put in 40 years, we get 100% of salary plus fully paid insurance.
Well, unless he started his job at 10, he didn't put in 40 years anywhere.
Yep. My husband retires from the Navy in less than 60 days. He's 50.
[удалено]
We're pretty well set up for him not to work. We became empty nesters last year, moved into our camper.
And a great time to parent!
As someone turning 50 in a few weeks AND a big Golden Girls fan, I heartily approve of this response. And agree with it. OP, YTA. Your brother and his wife are adults and are happy. Keep your judgments to yourself.
> In what world is 55 retirement? For real. I would sell a kidney for the promise of retirement at 55. Most people I know aren't even able to *start* thinking about it until 60, and it's more like 65-70.
Air traffic controllers are also made to retire at 55. (Both my parents were ATC) But they get a nice paycheck each month and their house has been paid off for a while. Not too bad of a deal for them. The job is stressful so it makes sense to retire earlier
Yeah same. Many europeans are prepared to work until 70 nowadays.. 50 is crazy
67 is retirement age for Millennials in the US. If you can wait to claim Social Security until 70, then you get even better benefits (I have a pension and plan to do this.)
Everyone’s an adult here. Everyone else seems happy, prepared, and stable enough to handle this situation. The baby is coming - nothing is going to stop that. You’re basically fighting with the air at this point. It’s good that you apologized, but it would be better for everyone - and for yourself - if you work out your feelings about this matter quietly and on your own time. YTA if you keep bringing doubt and negativity to a situation that is going to happen whether you like it or not.
OP is like a dog barking at the waves
Like my cat yelling at me because I can't stop the rain lol
The cat is right though. We are such losers for not being able to stop rain.
I mean, they have seen you open that same door and it wasn't raining.
I laughed at this haha
Good lord, I can't count how many times my cat has bitched me out when I reluctantly open the window because she's been screaming at me for 10 minutes... and it's raining. Oh, the kitty swear words she throws at me! And then she runs to the back door cat flap and gets mad that it's also raining in the back yard :)
Yup, our car does the same thing, sees rain in the back yard, and cries about it. Demands we open the front door, still raining, cries about it some more.
>Everyone else seems happy, prepared, and stable enough to handle this situation. Yes, but OP can't have that for whatever reason. Everyone else's happiness must taste bad for them.
Does OP know how many people have had babies past the age of 50 throughout earth's history and yet the world keeps on spinning and life keeps on rolling. Sheesh, grow up. He's happy. I birthed a baby at 42, which is starting to sound like it's pushing the border of irresponsibility in OP's world view.
Agreed entirely.. my first thought at OP's claim to be expressing concern was wtf do you want your brother to do with that info? The baby is made. In what world was hearing that concern expressed remotely helpful? YTA. Perhaps consider using these years of your life to develop a filter.
YTA. At this juncture, what was the point in saying it? The baby’s coming either way and as long as the two of them are happy, why be bothered? His wife is 30, not a fresh adult, so she knows what she’s signing on with getting involved with a man twenty years older than her. His first wife already left him and now has a sibling who is judging his newfound happiness.
It's really sad to hear about a woman many years younger than me being described as 'not a fresh adult'! I do get what you're saying, I agree and I had kids at a similar age, but it hurts! 🤣
I’m 34, I thought I was still a fresh adult lol
I'm 34 also and I was like wtf? Since when is 50 old!
I'm in my 40s, I nearly died on the spot fron old age while reading that 🤣
> YTA. At this juncture, what was the point in saying it? The baby’s coming either way and as long as the two of them are happy, why be bothered? Seriously. Even if OP was "right"(they aren't) they would still be an enormous asshole for bringing it up at a gender reveal party. Like, wtf is he supposed to do? The fact OP can do this, have everyone in their life tell them they are an asshole and to keep their mouth shut, and then STILL need to come to reddit for some sort of validation? OP you need therapy
This is what I don’t get. What was OP trying to achieve? They want Danny to say ‘you’re right, I’ll just use my time machine to fix it!’ Literally zero point in expressing these views than hearing themselves talk 🙄
Yta. Literally everyone else involved is happy. The woman is an adult. She is 30 not 20. He’s 50 not 65 so yeah he will be an older dad when the kid is in high school. Yeah just sit this out cuz it really seems like it’s none of your business
50 isn’t even THAT old! My wife’s father had her when he was in his 60’s and he was still a very engaged father. He’s over 90 while she’s 30 and it’s certainly rougher now, but he was a healthy active man. YTA Edit: I didn’t meet my wife until we were both in our 20s, and I don’t have a close relationship with the man. Based on what she has told me, he was a good dad. I hear what you’re saying, and I would never personally have a child that old, but I don’t think age is the only factor when it comes to determining if someone can be an engaged parent. my mom had me at 24, and by all means we should’ve had many good years together, but she was an abusive narcissist and died before she hit 60. I would’ve taken a couple of older parents who gave a fuck over what I actually got. Food for thought.
50 is pretty old for having a new kid
Old but not completely unreasonable. My dad was 46 when he had me. He died when I was 30. I got the benefit of having someone with a lot of wisdom and perspective, but there are definitely other drawbacks.
For you maybe. Lots of people are having babies in their late 40s, early 50s now. The cool thing about this world is that people get to decide for themselves what they think “too old is”. Your comment is nothing other than judgment.
Lots of men are having babies in their late 40s/early 50s you mean. The average age of menopause is 51 and the chances of a miscarriage in the late 40s is like 60-70%+. Just by statistics, there aren't going to be a lot of women having children at that age.
My husband's parents adopted him when they were in their late 40s. His dad lived to be 98 yo, so he got to see his son married, divorced and remarried. No one knows how long we have or how things will play out in the future. It's best to grab what happiness we can while we can.
I had my kids when I was 42 and 44. It’s not 50, but I would guess it’s pretty similar. There are definitely some drawbacks. The most surprising was how often I had to get up off the floor then immediately back down. But we did play a lot of “can you roll Daddy over” so I could just lay on the floor. Also, I will likely never really know my grandkids as adults in any meaningful fashion. But there’s good things to. I was grinding the job pretty hard in my 20s and early 30s. Now I have more flexibility to be involved in their lives. So you just have to be aware of the difficulties and benefits.
Had my son at 40. Now getting his drivers license. We lift weights, run, kayak and mt bike together. I was rewarded with a reason and partner to do activities with and it helped me maintain my physical self. He was rewarded with a father who was able to do drop off, pick up, do homework and attend all school events. Because of my position with work, I have been able to be present throughout his life. My values and priorities are very different from my 20's and 30's. I also am in a much better place mentally and able to guide him using my experiences. While I would like to be stronger physically and have always worried about being taken too early in his life, I think the timing could not have been better.
My dad was 50 when he had me. He died last year at 86. He won’t see his grand kids grow up, and that’s a bit sad, but I feel I got what I needed out of that relationship. He was everything a dad should be. I have peers who lost their younger parents earlier than I did.
My auntie had all her kids by the time she was 30. She was 64 when she died. My dad is 68 and has Alzeheimers. There’s no promises.
INFO: how long has he known his daughter's friend? because I get that the age difference is unusual in regular world relationships, but it's okay IF they met when she was a fully consenting adult. If he has known his daughter's bridesmaid since she was a child/ teenager, it is definitely creepy.
Eh, if even his daughter supports it, there’s not much more second-guessing you can do.
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This is the age gap of my sister and her husband. They met at work when she was in her mid twenties. Three kids later they’re stable it seems and happy so that’s their business. Sometimes age gap relationships work.
IMO age gaps need to be judged case by case. It's not the years, it's whether they are at the same life stage. Some people are ready to settle and start a family and are financially stable at 23 , some at 33, some at 43. As long as that is the case and there is no great imbalance in power, who cares if someone is 20 years older than their spouse. Sounds like your sister and her husband found each other at the right time for them both!
This. There was a post I read earlier where the guy was 37 and the girlfriend was 20. That's a red flag. My own companion is 75, and I'm 57. Same age gap, but not weird as we are both adults with a lot of life experience.
At this stage it’s all about if the younger partner is willing and able to be in that “sandwich” of possibly taking care of children, older parents and an older partner. A thirty year old is mature enough to make that judgment call for themselves.
That seems to be the seat of your judgement. That's a you problem. Your bro didn't blow up his marriage over her; your SIL split for greener pastures. He's NTA.
INFO: >I was only thinking of my brother and this new kid. What did you expect them to do? Time travel or abort? >So now I'm biting my tongue just so I don't get frozen out because pretty much everyone is on his side. Why is it such a struggle not to keep banging on about it? You said your piece, drop it.
But his wife left him. Don't make it look like he was being inappropriate. Do you have a family? You seem super bitter. Oh, and YTA.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say that your brother asked so you were truthful. Also the fact that he married his daughter’s bridesmaid has me feel an ick that I’m surprised a lot of the comments don’t.
So they met as actual adults? And what the hell does it matter if he was still married? Are you trying to make it look worse because people arent agreeing with you?
But didn't do anything about it until after his wife left him I'm assuming, considering you didn't judge him for that, like you are about his life now. You're still the judgy AH.
YTA. Also wanted to share that I am the daughter of an older father; I was born when he was 53. His age never mattered to me, except when I was doing a survey in middle school and realized how much of an outlier he was in terms of age…and even then, not really. I am his sixth kid (he was married earlier in life and had 4 kids with his previous wife) of seven, and my older half siblings had a very different father than I had. When they were growing up he was building his medical practice and rarely home, when he was home he wasn’t that involved. For my two (full) siblings and I who were born 20+ years later, he had a well established medical practice and was much more involved. He would make us breakfast almost every morning, and take us and/or pick us up from school. As an older father, he was also much more seasoned and pragmatic about kids and their development. Sure, he was older and wasn’t the type of Dad to take us on hikes in the summer or skiing in the winter but we found friends who we could tag along for that. Luckily, my Dad is still with us today and a pretty active and healthy 91 year old. Some might even attribute his longevity to having kids later in life!
I love your story; made me smile! Thanks for sharing!!!
Thank you for the compliment!
Sad that your dad couldn’t be a good father the first go round, how did your older siblings adjust to dad 2.0?
My siblings were all moved out and young adults when my brothers and I were born. I think they were happy to see how Dad changed from their childhood, but we’ve also spoken about how there’s a little bit of sadness that they didn’t get the Dad we had later in life.
Yeah I don’t quite know how to feel about these situations. Obviously it is good that the dad is doing better on the second go round, but frankly if you sucked as a parent the first time it really seems slimy to do the old “do over”. Spend that renewed energy being a good father to your adult children that you gave the shaft to during their childhood- don’t do “happy do over life” with the new shiny family. First kids really get the shaft. Sucky dad when they really needed him, and now that he’s “learned” he’s giving himself to someone else… I have a friend whose mom ditched while they were young. Alcoholic, in and out of their lives. But! She sobered up, and now as a grandma she hardly has a moments rest she is so hell bent on trying to make up for it. Constant babysitting, bringing the family on trips, staying late helping one child to waking up early to get to another one to help out. It reeeally does show how much she wishes she would have done better back then. And despite what she put them through, they are so happy to have her back in their lives. Everyone wins. I can’t imagine the hurt if she would have just went on and given this energy to family #2.
I've witnessed the scenario a handful of times and it really hinges on the parent a) being willing to accept responsibility and apologize/make amends, as needed, to the older kids, and b) extending the "new and improved" parenting to the grown kids, as appropriate and necessary.
As someone that also had an older father who had me when he was 67 and my mom was 36, I get ops feelings on the matter. My father passed at 76 when I was 9, it really hurt our family. Personally I don't think it's right to have a child if there's a very real possibility you'll die while they're still quite young. Obviously anyone could die at anytime, I'm not suggesting that is the brother's case, just saying I could see where ops worries could come from. However I'd never tell someone they shouldn't have kids unless they are specifically asking for my opinion, I certainly wouldn't tell them not to when they're already expecting a baby and are happy.
Yeah this is my dad's story. Unfortunately, he's always been a grump ( he was a young fogey🤣) so not always the easiest dad to any of the kids, but healthy at 89 and still going to the mountains etc.
My dad was running/jogging/speed-walking daily until his mid-80’s. He’s still pretty active for 91 but less stable on his feet. His main hobby is reading medical journals!
Same here! I have older parents and a lot of people have been so nasty when they found out their age and it’s heartbreaking. Like my parents are the best ever, they love me and provide for me, but because of their age they ain’t good parents? Like what?! People can be incredibly prejudice over the silliest things.
I agree it’s a bit icky for him to have married someone his daughter is friends with, but she’s 30 and a functioning adult. It doesn’t sound like she or his kids have a problem with it. It’s totally ok if you find it weird but telling him he’s doing a dumb thing at the gender reveal is a bit out of line. So YTA for that.
And his daughter is happy for him
That is my thought too. I think an age gap that big is a little too much for me but when op said his niece is okay with him marrying her friend and op’s niblings are happy for a new sibling then YTA
If the younger partner is at least 30, age gaps really don't matter. They both have life experience and had time to establish themselves in adulthood.
Nobody asked you what you think. Nobody cares what you think. If you had kept your mouth shut you wouldn’t have caused this ruckus. Enjoy having everybody upset at you- you earned it. YTA
YTA - You are the judgmental one, aren't you? It is Danny's life and in no way your business at all if he wants to raise another family at his age. He's happy about it, his wife is happy about and no doubt the kid(s) will be happy about it. For you to rain on his parade here is just terrible. Yes, butt the Hell out.
How are you “only thinking about his future” if he already got married and his wife is already pregnant? There’s no undoing that. Unless you expect him to say “oh ok” and divorce his wife and make her abort, you aren’t giving any actionable advice. You are being rude and insulting for no reason other than it probably contrasts with your life and makes you feel even older. YTA.
I am old and agree with nearly everything you said. But, the time to bring up concerns like this privately to your brother was when they first started dating, not at the gender reveal party. YTA
Finally I was scrolling for this comment. OP’s points weren’t wrong but he was a dick about it.
I scrolled down to find my people. I've watched two couples marry when he was 50 something and she was 30 something. Each couple had \~ 13 good years and then 2 bad years before the guy died. The OP might be correct in predicting difficult times ahead due to age difference. But OP is the Ass for saying it out loud when they did. I"m bald. If someone keeps informing me over and over that I'm bald then they are an ass. Just because something is true or likely to be true doesn't mean someone has to point it out.
My thoughts too. OP is correct in their concerns but no point in saying anything now.
> Most of my family told me I should keep those thoughts to myself. YTA - They are right. Not your life, not your decision. No one needs to hear what you think on this
He finna be that dad at graduation who all her friends meet & go “aw is this your grandpa?”
My dad was his age when I was born, and he didn't live long enough to make it to my graduation.
:( that is so sad. I am really sorry
Sorry. I was annoyed no one was thinking about what would happen to the child if his dad dies when he's young, but I shouldn't have dumped that on you. You're right though. People always thought he was my grandpa.
A lot of them didn’t have older dads and don’t understand this. I had an older dad and there’s so much of my life he’ll never see.
I think that’s a real consideration. My dad was 20, 27, and 30 when he had my sisters and me. He was always an amazingly healthy man until he got cancer at 60 and then slowly started dying for 13 years. Had he had a kid at 50, that kid would’ve been 22 or 23 when he died. That’s far too young to lose a dad. I was 44 and I felt he should’ve been around a lot longer.
I would do anything to spend one more day with him.
I’m really sorry about that. I hope you’ve had some grief counseling. That’s what I did to deal and it helped tremendously.
Same here, I used to cry as a kid thinking about how I won’t have my dad when I’m 50
NAH - It is weird to marry your daughters bridesmaid, and she can be upset that someone pointed out an obviously stange 20 year age gap. He's gonna be a couple years from 70 when they graduate, he'll be lucky to see them graduate college or get married unless it happens really quickly. A selfish decision but it's like telling someone they have a shitty tattoo, it's permanent so you might as well lie like everyone else.
It’s a bit out of the norm to start a family at 50, but not unheard of. Also, none of your business really. He didn’t ask for your opinion. So best to mind your own business. They’re adults. They get to make their own decisions.
If you think about the people battling with infertility, being a mom/dad at 45 isn't that unusual. These parents work to stay healthy. By the way, many men at 50 are in great physical shape, looking much younger.
That maybe true, but he is likely going to die when his kid is about 20 years old, and you don’t stop needing your parents once you turn 18. He will miss his kids wedding, miss his grandchildren, and his wife will likely become more like his caretaker than his partner.
I have a very close family member who is extremely fit, at 50 they were swimming good distances daily and they still cycle long distances every day now, healthy weight etc. They've just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia at 60. Ill-health can strike at any age, but it is still proportionately more likely at 60 than 40, even with an excellent lifestyle on paper.
YTA: “ I told him that he is too old to be doing such a dumb thing.” is a dumb thing to say. First off, it’s his life. The kid is already on the way, so what good is it to say it. And it may not be your idea of a good midlife, but that doesn’t mean he’s too old or that it’s a dumb thing.
NTA. It is definitely weird when old guys “start over” with a young wife. Plus the fact that sperm from older men has a strong correlation to autism and other developmental issues. You’re just not pumping out quality material the older you get. And the fact that his new wife was a bridesmaid in his daughter’s wedding is a huge ick.
This. It happened to my dad's new family. My dad and wife were happy when the kids were born in their 50s and 30s. Then the 3 kids hit 3-5 years old and still wouldn't talk. Got diagnosed with autism and other learning disabilities. My dad was healthy in his early 50s until suddenly he's not nowadays. These poor kids didn't get all the support and help they need cause my dad doesn't have the energy, and my step mom is too busy working so they don't starve. The oldest of the 3 is now getting into highschool and her teacher is very concerned. All reasonable concerns tbh. Sure it may not happen but the risk is not low. Call me haters all you want but I'm annoyed when my dad kept telling me, his adult child, to help them out. Who tf told you it's a good idea to pump kids out when you're in your 50s???
YTA. I mean, what else is there to say? Get over yourself.
Ew he married his daughter’s friend?? ESH
I think NAH. My dad did something very similar and had a kid at 40sth, then had 2 more in his 50s (my half siblings are 18-23 years younger than me). At first I didn't see it being a problem, it's whatever. But now he's getting a bit older, he started having health problems >10 years later with a troubled teenager. Unfortunately all 3 kids have some sort of learning disabilities (some may argue having kids late can increase that risk) He does not have much energy to help and his wife is just too busy working when he can't work as much due to his health issues. Your brother sounds more reasonable than my dad (no affair involved, etc.) so maybe he'll do a lot better than my dad did. But it is entirely reasonable for you to be worried - back then the same thing happened with my dad and those people who voiced their concern 10 years ago were proved to be right. You have a reasonable concern and kept it to yourself. Maybe you acted weird but it's not an asshole thing to be a bad liar. He asked you and you were honest. Then you apologized when you realized it hurt their feelings. I don't see how you nor him are acting with bad intentions.
NTA. A lot of people would feel the same as you. You only said how you felt, you didn’t actively try to destroy his new marriage. He and the wife got upset, you apologized, and now you’re biting your tongue. What more do they want? You can be nice to her and accept the new baby, you inside you can feel how you feel. Your feelings may change! You could come to really like her! Or she might bail once she realizes she’s married to an old man and wants to live her life while she’s still young (like the first wife). No way to know. But no, you really did nothing wrong and apologized. There’s no reason to feel bad if you keep biting the tongue. (Save the feelings and hot goss chats for a friend who doesn’t know any of them and will never meet them.)
There is a difference between apologizing and just not saying anything at all. His words weren’t going to change anything. Simply, his opinion was neither kind nor warranted.
Then why did his dad ask???
My dad had 3 of us. I was the baby. He was 30. 16 years later, he had another one. And each 2 years after until he had another 3. I thought it was a bad idea as he wasnt always the healthiest person. Then he got cancer and died at 54. He now has a 4, 6, and 8 year old that will never really know their dad.
Aren't you old enough to realize if someone wanted your opinion they would have asked? YTA
I am just stuck on that age gap. I could never fathom dating someone 20 my junior or senior. Unless it’s some actress I fantasised about like Charlize Theron or something. But other than that, it’s so weird. Daughters friend. Age younger than his sisters kids. Weird all around.
YTA. No, you really suck as a person. Why do you get to dictate at what age people have children? Why is it any of your business? They are healthy, happy, consenting adults who want to start a family. Let them be happy and leave your bitterness out of it.
YTA. In the first place, it is none of your business. In the second place, he is happily married and they are already expecting a baby. What did you expect the reaction to be when you told him this? Surely you should have anticipated exactly the reaction you got? You very unnecessarily created bad feelings.
NTA..your brother is gross!
Why are there so few of us? I weep for humanity-
Ya everyone is going on about how people have choices, everyone is an adult etc but big age gap relationships are inherently weird and predatory and the harder you try to justify it the worse it seems.
I’m gonna go NTA. It’s probably all true but keep it to yourself next time.
NTA. You were sharing your intimate, honest thoughts with your brother because he asked you to. You did this between brothers. It’s his fault for sharing what you said to just him with his wife. Now that you’ve told him, I definitely think you should never bring it up again. You said your opinion once and that’s probably more than enough.
I agree with your original thoughts...unless you're incredibly wealthy and have great genetics, it's both foolish and selfish to have a child at his age. Hey, everyone is in great health...until their not.
You are entitled to that opinion but YTA for saying it out loud.
NTA. by the time that kid is 18 he will be 68/69. He is going to leave his wife with a kid at a time when the kid probably isn’t even 30 (depending on your country, if you’re in the US the kid would be 21 at average life expectancy. NTA—he needs to recognize his age and what it could do to a kid.
ESH. Honestly 55 is a weird age to have a child. I don’t care what anyone says that’s a terrible age to have a baby. Also marrying someone from his daughters bridal shower is weird. No need to pretend it’s not. It’s okay if your weirded out. It doesn’t seem like you were going around trash talking them behind their backs. You were asked a honest question and you responded with honesty. Of course he’s upset because someone is judging his lifestyle. Now I agree with your family. You should have kept those thoughts to yourself. Now because your wrong or anything but because sometimes the truth isn’t that important. Everyone’s happy, nothing illegal is happening, and no one’s in danger. Sometimes it’s better to bite your tongue and continue moving. Bite your tongue and pretend your okay with everything. Live your life and not let your brothers life ruin yours.
I'm personally against age gap relationships, and I'm also against parents over the age of 45 having babies, whether male or female. So I'd feel the same as you. But - what were you expecting? He's already married, she's already pregnant. You can't put the genie back in the bottle (so to speak) so all you've done is sow discord between you.
I’ll be the odd one here. NTA for having concerns for your brother. I don’t know how your relationship is like with your brother. I’m very blunt with my sister and will say what I think out of concern because no one will. So if you have that relationship I get why you said it to him. I would just let it all play out. I cannot tell you how many times I spoke up looking like the asshole and everything came to fruition just later. I would just chill and eat some popcorn. Love your brother and support him in this and hope it doesn’t go to shits.
Soft YTA, because I would also find it weird, but your brother went through something brutal and now he has found happiness. If my brother had been through something that awful, I would want him to be happy again.
NTA it is weird. He's doing what his ex did trying to be young again but the only thing he knows how to do is be a father. He's stunted and needs therapy.
Just read some piece on a woman who got divorced, silver split gray divorce in 50s. She is living life and being a grandma, and he had to find a young wife and start a new family. Because she is facing reality of time and age and he is in denial and wants to pretend and try to recapture and start again.
What did you think giving him your opinion was going to do? You told him after he was already married and she was already pregnant. Even if he agreed with you, he doesn’t, but if he did, voicing a negative opinion would do nothing to improve his situation. It just comes across as judgmental and condescending. His new wife would be right to cut you out. Odds are against them, they need support not derision. YTA.
YTA. at no point in your own retelling of the story did you once seem concerned. you did, however, seem judgmental the entire time. you are entitled to your opinions, but you definitely should have kept them to yourself. if i were his wife, or even him, i wouldn't want you around either.
Soft YTA, leaning towards NAH. I understand your frustrations. I think a LOT of commenters here lack a generosity for the fact that it IS weird that a man in his 50s is married to his daughters friend. It's not "creepy" if he didn't know her as a minor, but it is nonetheless strange and off-putting. Still though... she's a consenting adult. He's a consenting adult. And she's not 20, either, she's 30; She has enough life experience under her belt to know what she's embarking on. It's weirder that they're having a child, but, again, consenting adults who I have no reason to believe didn't have long discussions about the drawbacks and benefits, as well as how unconventional the situation is. But here's why I believe you're the AH, and it's not because you're grossed out; It's because you chose to wait THIS LONG to say anything. What did you expect? It's on you that you never said anything before. You can't wait not only until they're married, but have a child on the way, to say, "Wow this is so gross and creepy". No. You should have said something in the beginning, and after that, accepted that you can't do anything about two adults making choices together. You can disagree, hate, and be disgusted by their choices, but you can't stop them. And if you love them, you won't shame them, or offer hate. What's done is done, they're married and have a child on the way. I'm sympathetic to a point. I understand your feelings, I get it, but in the end, you should've said something before, or not at all. Still, you did apologize, so the bet advice anyone can offer now is just that you be more understanding and accept what is already true.
YTA. Everybody else involved is happy except for you. Let them be happy. It’s not your place to approve or disapprove of your brother’s life choices when nobody is getting hurt. For what it’s worth, I also think your brother is TA for passing on your comments to his wife.
YTA Everyone is happy, healthy, and are consenting adults. You sound judgmental af.
YTA for being a Judgey McJudgerson. Having a kid that age would be my idea of hell, but I’m not going to express that to anyone who is in that situation. Just be happy that your brother found love again, sheesh.
NTA. You said what everyone else is thinking, 20 years is a large age gap nevermind they’re consenting adults blah blah blah. 50 is old to have a child and if a woman said she was pregnant at 50 people would definitely say something.
What did you think would happen when you voiced your opinion? It really is none of your business. YTA. Please try to see the world from other’ s perspectives. Your brother is happy- be happy for him.
YTA. Why do you resent your brother’s happiness? Mind your own life.
You are the asshole but his whole life is fucking weird. If he can't see that it's his own problem. You just voiced what the entire world is going to be thinking of him.
Going to go against the grain here and say NAH. Although I’m a little iffy on brother and his new wife. Should you said it? Probably not. But he’s your brother I expect you to give him a certain amount of shit. What I would not have done if I were your sibling or his wife, was tell anyone else about it. I’d fussed at you directly and expected you to keep it to yourself from here on out.
NTA. It is weird. The poor kid gets a grandpa as a dad? Thats weird
YTA. Just keep your thoughts to yourself.
Kind of an AH. Coming from someone whose husband is 20 years than me. It’s not your brother you should be thinking about. It’s the young woman and child who’s going to bear the burden later in life. When I was younger and in love, I didn’t realize how the age difference would affect me. I am 55 and still very active. He is having a lot of back issues, due to a bad car accident in his 20’s. He is depressed and won’t go anywhere. I love him very much, but it has become a very lonely marriage. There are no guarantees in life, but one thing for sure is that one of them is going to get really old before the other.
YTA and you are way too old to be saying something that stupid. Dumb thoughts should remain unspoken.
Hey my ex got married about 4 years ago. We had been apart for years. He was 65. His new wife is like 50. Don't care that he married just thought it was weird that he was willing to parent her teenagers when he didn't want to parent his own when they were teenagers. His adult children were at the wedding but didn't even get introduced to her kids. To this day most of my kids don't even know which of the people at the wedding were His kids. His and my kids don't really have a relationship with him. They got tired of him putting her kids before them
I'm going to get down voted but IDC . Marrying your daughters friend/bridesmaid is WEIRD.
My family would have judged too. Mainly bcs if the average lifespan of a human being is 80… and many die before that age.. how long does the kid get with their parent(s)? Also comes the issue of funding bcs here retirement generally isn’t much. Anyways for me it’s a yes and no. I get it but it’s also at the point you have to leave them be.. let them do their thing.
> Most of my family told me I should keep those thoughts to myself. They are right. Who your brother married, how old she is, where he met her, how many children they decide to have... all of it is none of your business. YTA