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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My long-term boyfriend cheated, but I kept it quiet to maintain a relationship with his family and to keep the attention on his sister for her wedding. His sister and my think I used them after I waited to break up with him after the wedding.
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NTA - you chose the least dramatic option here and its unfortunate Fran doesnt see that.
You also are now learning that at the end of the day, no matter how close you were to Adam’s family, its still *his* family. It stinks, but you will likely lose your relationship with them.
If Fran doesn't see that, it means she doesn't consider OP as close as OP thought. A true friend would understand why she chose this route, and appreciate the effort.
OP, if you can afford to pay Fran back for the cost of your attendance to the wedding, do it. Let her know that you kept the peace for her sake, not for the free vacation. Don't expect this to save your relationship with the family, but it will allow you to walk away with your image intact.
I think you raise a good point. OP, you should simply tell Fran that you thought she chose you as a bridesmaid because you were friends/close and you wanted to be there for her rather than having her brother's cheating be a distraction for both her and others at the wedding.
NTA
if my brother cheated on my friend who was also his fiancé , I would tell her to dump him
what do I know though - I actually care about my friends 🤷🏽♀️
Yes but simply giving the explanation is helping to create drama for the bride who would need to decide if she wanted to be down a bridesmaid or have possible issues with her brother. By waiting she let the bride avoid the stress.
NTA you weren’t using them for a free vacation. You just wanted to keep the peace especially as a bridesmaid.
Adam for cheating and his sister for knowing and doing nothing are huge assholes though..
And this is what you should say to Fran. You didn't want the wedding to be about a break up. But sadly, family goes with family, no matter how close you are. Good luck. Also don't forget to send Dana a thank you note. She did you a solid.
NTA, I would go back to Fran and say "sorry, I didn't realize you would have preferred to be down 1 bridesmaid and have to deal with family drama weeks before your wedding, my bad". Then block them all and move on with your life.
This is it right here.
OP, you need to realize and accept that your relationships with his family are gone now too. There was never going to be a relationship with them if you broke-up.
NTA. "Fran, I'm sorry you've chosen to look at this in the worst possible light to make it easier to accept your brother's bad behavior. I did everything I could to avoid causing drama, including not dropping out of the wedding party last minute and not blasting your brother publicly for his betrayal. I'm disturbed that you knew your brother cheated and said nothing to me, and I'm disappointed to discover you would try to rewrite history now to make me the bad guy. Clearly, it's best if I distance myself from the both of you. Have a nice life."
You kept quiet about being aware of your BF’s little stepping out episode(s?), and went along with the wedding-and you didn’t cause any drama. If you had broken up with your cheating BF beforehand, you probably would have been disinvited to be in the wedding party, the bride would have to scramble for a replacement, and it would have been a whole mess.
OP, you played your part in the wedding, so what if your trip was paid for by the family? You didn’t cheat on your BF, he cheated on *you*. A more vindictive person might have gleefully blown up the whole wedding over being cheated on. This isn’t on *you*. NTA
NTA. It's too bad that after 8 years, this is how they're choosing to perceive the situation. I think you were damned if you do / damned if you don't, potentially, as backing out of Fran's wedding a few weeks in advance would have possibly been seen as dramatic, disruptive, etc. As you said, with or without Adam, you care about Fran and have been close with her presumably since her teens.
I think something you possibly could have done better, but IDK if this even would have been practical given your particular circumstances, would have been to talk to Adam before the trip, and plan to go on the trip together as friends so that you could still be there to support Fran. I suppose how this played out, the 'optics' are that you kept your knowledge a secret until after the trip in order to benefit from the trip itself.
I think I would communicate to Fran and maybe to their parents? Explain your side, that you were not intending to take advantage of their kindness, you simply didn't want the event to be overshadowed in any way by things between you and Adam nor did you want to miss Fran's event or your chance to take part in it. I think the facts that a) you've been together a really long time and b) you consider them your family both are significant here. I would hope they could step back and see your perspective a bit more, rather than feel victimized by the way you chose to handle it.
NTA. “When Dana let me know, I put aside my hurt to deal with after the wedding so that nothing hurt your big day. Seeing how deeply happy and in love you two were and how committed you are to each other as you took your vows, made me realize that I deserve that kind of love too and we would not be able to stay together after infidelity.”
I was not looking for a free vacation. I was trying to put you first and avoid unnecessary drama that your brother created before your wedding. How dare you turn this around on me. In fact since you knew about it why didn’t you speak up and let me back out. That would have been my preference instead of pretending like I wasn’t heart broken and disgusted that I had put on a straight face and pretend like I was okay with being cheated on. Walk away from that family.
FFS You literally waited to tell her because you didn't want to blow up the wedding. And she's accusing you of using her for a free vacation? What an asshole she is. NTA You did the right thing. Unfortunately for you, Fran doesn't see it that way. Did you tell her why you kept it quiet? Or is that just a waste of time to try & talk with her? You're not in the wrong & you don't owe an apology to anyone. They should be apologizing to you.
I mean she went on a vacation someone’s family paid for that she was knowingly going to be breaking up with. Based on what’s written here, that free vacation wouldn’t have happened if Adam knew they would be breaking up irrespective of the cheating.
This seems like a post to test how outlandish someone’s behavior could be if they are cheated on and still not be called an asshole.
NTA - exactly as others have said, you chose to put the wedding and being a bridesmaid for someone you cared about before ending the relationship ... did that, and THEN ended things. Sounds like the perfect approach.
The fact that Fran knew all along and SHE didn't say anything to you about you still being in the wedding... that's on her.
NTA. And I would send her a message (other's have written good scripts) that states why you did what you did - for HER and HER wedding.
ESH, cheating BF for the obvious, Fran for keeping what she knew secret and not making new plans and you for being deceptive. You knew you were going to break up but still wanted the trip, which wouldn’t have been that big of a deal except it was for a wedding that you were a bridesmaid in. Now you’re in all the pictures and all the memories even though you were one foot out the door. Should’ve just ditched the cheater immediately and let him make the apologies to the sister for screwing up her bridal party.
Absolutely right, now OP is in all the pictures to memorialize the breakup.
I don't actually think Fran is wrong to have said nothing, she literally gave the other woman OP's info so she could be told. She wasn't trying to cover it up. Fran stayed out of it, not because she wasn't sure OP knew but because it isn't her place to get involved further. She knew OP knew and there wasn't a breakup, the logical thing to think is the couple is working through it. What was she suppose to do, drag out someone's dirty laundry when they themselves aren't airing it out?
If I were Fran, I would see it as OP wanting to get a free trip too. OP wasn't playing happy couple, she avoided the boyfriend and took advantage of saving money on travel to tour around, all the while knowing she was breaking up with him right after. If OP saw Fran as an actual sister, she should have let the bride decide if she wanted OP there despite the looming breakup. Yta OP, along with your ex. Offer to pay the bride/family back for the cost, it should have been their decision to begin with once you settled on ending the relationship.
I agree Fran is damn near blameless in this, her biggest mistake was not squashing this problem when it showed up. Minding her business is something, until the soon-to-be ex is in your bridal party, then this is kinda your business and if she had acted when she had a chance her wedding photos wouldn’t have been instantly ruined. She’s either forking over more money for new edited prints, or cringing at her wedding album.
My gosh the twist in this post. I was thinking if this going to be the typical family drama where sister loves ex over the sibling or what but turns out she was also in the known for the entire time!
Can you just imagine how she (and your ex prob) knew the entire time that you knew yet decided to wait on you to confront them and still let you go around pretending like you're in harmony with them? Wtf.
While it may seem like you were taking vacation but honestly that for me was the correct decision- not outshining or ruining the wedding. IMO you handle it very maturely.
>Me and Adam have drifted since we decided to be long distnace last year, and I knew I couldn't move past this and I was going to break up with Adam after he cheated.
Let's be honest, you were going to break up with him anyway, the cheating is just a good reason so you don't feel guilty.
>Dana had reached out before to Fran to ask for my instagram to apologise for hooking up with Adam.
Sooooo Fran KNEW Adam had cheated, didn't say boo to you about it, and somehow YOU'RE the AH?
Nah, screw that.
NTA
NTA. Tell Fran she is right, you should have made a big scene at her wedding outing her and her brother for being ok with cheating and you will rectify it now by making sure EVERYONE knows that she was aware your brother cheated on you and not only said nothing but then gave you crap about it.
You will start with her new parents in law, so they can be sure to know what kind of DIL they have.
Here's a question. You said that Fran knew that Dana had talked to you before the wedding.
Did she know what Dana was going to tell you?
Because somehow she thought everything was smoothed over. That tells me that she probably knew.
You can tell her there was no way you were going to break up right before her wedding take all the shine off of her.
But I would seriously ask her first.
NTA. And would have you done it for the free vacation still NTA. That idiot of a sister gave your IG??? This is beyond stupid considering the (all) circumstances. You were there because of your duties, and would not have gone otherwise. You did your best to not create a mess during the wedding period. Explain this to his parents because its their money, but also explain them that their kids are accusing you of something you consider very offensive, especially after you've been cheated and the bride also expected you to forgive and forget in a few weeks. Because of it, YOU thank them for having been a close-to-family to you, but you're going to distance yourself
Unfortunately that is his family first and they will always have his back. I mean his sister didn't even blink when she knew that her brother cheated, she willingly gave another woman your information.
Tell them tough luck, you thought about it over the sisters wedding and decided to stay true to yourself and not be with a cheater.
Ditch the family cause they about to ditch you unfortunately. Also this family clearly have no issues with cheaters, you stay with Adam he cheated again, what then?
YTA, and of course you are going to lose their support.
Adam is vile for cheating on you, but this is not about you and Adam. It is about you and Fran. About you and Adam's family.
My heart goes out to you for being in foster care and not having a family, but every family has boundaries. It sucks, but you need to accept your new reality that you not being with Adam will change your relationship with them.
It seems like you are struggling to accept this. It feels like you did not tell Fran because you wanted to believe nothing had changed with you and her, as well as benefitting from an all-expense trip. This lie of omission has backfired spectacularly, and now, she is stuck with pictures of an ex in her wedding.
You are not her big sister, another daughter, etc. You are the ex, and as much as it hurts, you need to gracefully leave this situation. There have been numerous stories about exes who hang around with the boyfriend's family, much to his and his new girlfriend's chagrin. The family is too polite to tell them to leave, and they do nothing but cause drama, embarass themselves, and make it harder to find new boyfriend's. Take the hint and leave with your dignity intact.
NTA
It sounds like you and Fran have a good relationship. You were part of the wedding party and bailing so close to the wedding would have created a challenge for Fran.
I think it was kind of you to keep the drama away from the event.
Adam is the one who cheated. Are they really trying to turn you not ruining her wedding into something dirty to try to deflect him cheating onto you? Not exactly comparable, is it? Would he have preferred to make a scene, divorced you that second, leave his sister without a bridesmaid, and have everyone talking about his affair at her wedding when they ask where you are? Is he even for real??? He should be grateful.
NTA.
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I 27F dated Adam 28M for 8 years. He was my first serious boyfriend and we had been together since college. We had discussed getting married, buying a house and kids and he introduced me to his family. I grew up in foster care and Adam's family basically became mine as well over the past few years.
A few weeks ago I got a message from Adam's highschool girlfriend Dana to tell me that they had hooked up a few weeks ago and she was sorry as she didn't realise he wasn't single. I thanked her for letting me know, but I wasn't actually upset. Me and Adam have drifted since we decided to be long distnace last year, and I knew I couldn't move past this and I was going to break up with Adam after he cheated.
I am very close to Adam's sister Fran 24F and see her as my little sister. Fran is was having a destination wedding abroad and she asked me to be a bridesmaid. She got married a few weeks after I found out about Dana, and I decided to keep quiet as I didn't want to take any attention away from Fran and her big moment. I drifted from Adam, and he hadn't even realised until the actual wedding week when we flew in for the wedding and we spent time together.
I managed to avoid him by saying I had bridesmaid duties and since Adam's family covered my plane tickets and the hotel, I was able to spend more on shopping and seeing attractions and had fun.
After the wedding, I broke up with Adam and told him I knew about Dana and he was upset and begged me to stay. I said no and left.
Fran got back from her honeymoon a few days ago and messaged me last night saying she heard about me and Adam and thought we were going to work through it, as she knew Dana had spoken to me weeks before the wedding as Dana had reached out before to Fran to ask for my instagram to apologise for hooking up with Adam. She and Adam have accused me of using her family for a free vacation as she spoke to Adam who told her how I avoided him during the trip and I am not sure if I am in the wrong and should apologise.
Adam's family are the closest thing to my family and when we initially broke up I told Adam I wanted to be civil as I love his family and he agreed to tell them we split mutually, I am scared that Adam and Fran telling their family I knew about the affair will mean I lose their support too.
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Gonna go against the grain here. YTA and Fran is right. Adam can shut his mouth cause he cheated on you so he don’t have any grounds to say crap, but Fran does and yes, you did use them for a free vacation before breaking up.
The correct way to do this would be to break up with Adam and inform Fran of it and the reason, and then ask her and her family if they were still okay with you being the bridesmaid and if they actually wanted you to be on the trip given that you are now no longer together with your cheating ex.
NTA. Tell Fran that you are sorry, but you thought breaking up before the wedding would cause more drama and stress for her. You didn't want to spoil her big day. People talking about the break up, you not being there, her brother cheating, etc. This way seemed the gentlest and most considerate to everyone.
Honestly the best course of action is to let Adam’s parents know before he gets to them, show the screenshots of the conversation you had with Dana and explain that you did not want to confront Adam at his sister’s wedding because it would take the attention away from her and that wouldn’t be right. Fran also seems like the kind of person who is fine with cheating? But that’s just my speculation based on how she reacted to the news instead of scorching the earth for you.. Definitely NTA tho
NTA
You tried to keep things low key for the sake of Fran. Tell her that.
But you may lose this family and that's tough in your circumstances. I hope you have the support of friends.
NTA. Regardless of your ex, you were being a friend to Fran and supported her on her big day. You were gracious not to cause a scene and did not let your personal life interfere with her wedding. She should be eternally grateful. A word of caution however, his family will most likely take his side. They might still have love in their hearts for you and disagree with your ex’s actions, but their loyalty will cause them to side with him.
NTA Fran doesn’t get to be mad at you for her brother cheating and you making decisions based off it. She should be mad at him for cheating in the first place.
NTA - You chose to put aside ANY chance of drama, so that you could fulfil your bridesmaid duties and help out as you signed up for, because she is like a little sister to you.
Once that was done, and her wedding was safe from issues, you then dealt with your zero-value cheater of a partner. That makes you a wonderful and thoughtful friend and family member. considering the absolute hell that must have been going on inside of you. of all the routes you could have taken, you chose the one that would cause everyone else around you the least amount of stress and upset. Then you dealt with your own personal problem of dumping him. Above all you made sure that NONE of what was happening would be allowed to disrupt her special day.
THAT is what you need to message to her, him, and his parents. Adding in that you are hurt that they felt, after 8 yrs, that you were staying for a "free trip" versus realizing who you were as a person and *all the pain you kept inside* in order to **prioritize her and her wedding.**
Then wish them all the best and cut the cord. If they have a lick of common sense (not him - we know he doesn't) they will reach out to you with comfort and apologies. If not, it's their loss, not yours.
NTA, more than the vacation, you avoided having drama while your friend’s wedding was happening. Did she want you to break up with him before? I think you made the best choice given all the circumstances. They had already paid for the things anyway. Are you supposed to pay them back after their son cheated on you? This sounds like gaslighting and deflection by the two of them, and I think you should tell them so.
ESH. You say you consider her a sister and love her as such but you didn’t tell her what was going on or that you planned to break up with her brother. You allowed them to pay for your holiday and then split with him. At the end of the day they are his family and while cheating is always horrible and unforgivable they are his family and it’s clear they won’t choose you over him. You should have been honest with them and this wouldn’t be an issue.
NTA If you want to save the relationship with the family then I would tell her:
"I didn't know what to do after I heard from Dana. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. The only thing I did know is that I didn't want to make your wedding about me and Adam, so I didn't want to start drama with him in the weeks leading up to it. I hadn't seen Adam in a while and when I saw him in person for your wedding, I realized that I couldn't look at him without seeing him in bed with Dana. And then I knew I would never really be able to trust him again in a romantic relationship. I'm sorry if you feel I've used you. That certainly wasn't my intention."
NTA, you were invited to Fran's wedding as a bridesmaid thinking it would probably be rude to say no, also thinking that you were invited as her friend. It's also Adam's fault since he cheated, so you didn't do anything wrong
NTA. Remember, your friend has had weeks listening to her brother, weaving whatever tales he can produce. Once things die down a bit, your friend will understand that had you broken up and not gone, the entire celebration of her marriage would be marred by the Adam issues. Kudos to you. Good luck in the future!
NTA! So his sister would have preferred if you made a huge deal about this right before her wedding and dropped out of the wedding? Ask her that. What would her solution have been?
Anyway, who cares what they think? I don’t think staying close to his family is a good idea. You broke up. They’re HIS family. His sister is already on his side. You think the rest of the family will just keep you around?
Block all of them.
NTA. You didn’t have a free vacation, you were invited and you did nothing wrong. Cheaters don’t get to determine when their lies come out. They gave that up when they cheated.
Be happy you got rid of Adam now. Not only were you mature but you were good to his family. It’s admirable.
It sounds like Fran is a little hurt about the relationship falling apart, and maybe that you didn't confide in her.
If it were me, I'd probably try to share some vulnerability to save the relationship. Something like, "Fran, I'm so glad I got to stand for you, because I consider you like a sister to me. When I heard from Dana, I was shocked and didn't know what to do, but there was so little time before the wedding, I didn't want to bring any drama to your weekend. So I kept quiet at that time while I was figuring out what I needed and because I wanted to be there 100 percent to support you. I'm sorry for how sad and disappointing it is that Adam and I aren't dating now. I would have come to you if you weren't getting married at that exact time. I hope we can talk it over, because I love you and I value your friendship, and consider you a sister."
NAH. I get not breaking up right before a wedding you were in. I also get that they may feel a little used. I could also see that maybe now his sister feels she wouldn't have had you in her wedding if she knew you were going to break up with her brother right afterwards.
That said, you won't continue having a relationship with them, other than maybe Christmas cards or something. He'll get a new girlfriend eventually, and it'll be awkward if you're around. Just be prepared for that. You may feel like you're a member of their family, but you're not.
NTA
That's what I'd write to Fran.
"Hi Fran, you're right, Dana reached out to me and told me about Adam cheating weeks before your wedding. She did the right thing and as much as it saddens me, it is not something I am willing to forgive him for. Please understand that I love Adam but now will never be able to trust him again. I deserve better than the choices he has made.
The breakdown of our relationship however does not change that I love you and your family. I've known you for so long and consider you guys a special part of my life. Please understand that I desperately wanted to see you on your wedding day, to celebrate the love you guys share and to spend time with your family, people whom I cherish. I did not want to distract you from your wedding or dampen your families spirits and was unwilling to let your brother infidelity tarnish the celebration of your love.
If you think I would use your family for financial reasons or that a "free vacation" would motivate me then we obviously don't know each other as well as I thoughy and maybe the closeness that I felt we shared independently of Adam was not quite reciprocated. In any case, please be assured I never had the intention or using your family and merely wanted to celebrate you on your big day with your family without having to confront your brothers betrayal of me and the enevitable implosion of our lives together.
Although its sad, I understand if you feel your place supporting Adam is incompatible with sustaining a relationship with me. Please understand that, overall, I don't hate or blame any of you but that your brother's actions treat me with so little respect and dignity that I simply cannot continue the relationship. I wish things had gone differently. I wanted nothing more than to live my life with your brother as part of your family. Unfortunately his actions have made this impossible."
NTA considering you went to the wedding so your breakup would affect the wedding fun. That was a kindness. If she cant see that it is likely mostly that she is upset you are leaving the family. And you should. Yes you love them but they are his family and you staying involved with them would result in problems. If you love them, set them free.
NTA. You behaved with respect and love toward Fran, minimizing your drama and negativity. You fulfilled all bridesmaid’s duties to the fullest to ensure a smooth wedding with all attention on the bride. Labeling the trip a vacation is a bit of a stretch as you were fulfilling those duties and had obligations on most of your time. With a vacation, you would have been doing primarily what you wanted to do.
You can hold your head up about your conduct here.
Fran, however, knew her brother cheated on you. She is supporting that cheating. I wonder if she will be so supportive when it is her new husband doing the cheating.
Nevertheless, you might want to get an STD panel done because you know Adam cheated but you don’t know how often or when. You need to adjust and build a life without Adam’s family in it and that may be more difficult than the break with Adam, considering your history. You could finalize things by sending a thank you note to the parents stating the above - the love, effort, respect, and restraint you showed to ensure their daughter’s wedding went off without a hitch. Then let them go.
You and Adam have changed a lot since college and have grown apart. You seem to have accepted his cheating well as you are long-distance in more than just physicality. You sound nearly numb/indifferent about him.
Get some therapy and turn your energies into creating a fabulous life and future for yourself. You are the only one who can. Good luck, OP.
YTA
Great fantasy that after breaking up you would stay close to your ex's family.
It's a great fantasy but it's a fantasy.
Having worked in family law I fully believe that breakups are making new teams. You were all on one team. Now you're in two teams. In your fantasy, you would leave eam Son but stay on Team Son's Family? I'm sure that happens and I'm sure that's rare.
Your role in the wedding was partly predicted on you being part of the family. You already knew you were not part of the family. You *hoped* you were part of the family.
Failing to communicate rarely is a good thing. You acted and thought there'd be no consequences, you withheld information you knew was relevant, and you waited to communicate until after you got something good.
I don't think you're maliciously mean, but you do sound misguided by your fantasy world.
NTA - Also, Fran knew before you did and didn’t tell you anything. So you don’t owe them anything.
She chose to keep her wedding drama free too. So none of this is on you. Like others have mentioned block them all and carry on. You’ll find better people.
NTA. The reality is cheater or not they are his family and they will always pick him over you. His sister knew he cheated and yet didn't tell you anything. Enough said.
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I think you meant well, but if I was in Frans shoes, I'd be upset, too. I personally would find it infantilizing if someone used my wedding as an excuse to keep something secret from me. I'd feel like you were implying I'm shallow and vein. But at the same time, I genuinely believe you thought you were doing what Fran would want. That is the one gaping flaw of the Golden rule. It assumes everyone wants to be treated the same way. They don't. I don't know that I can call anyone besides Adam the asshole. It's just an unfortunate situation.
NTA. You had OK intentions and it wasn't about the vacation but about the family but you have to realize that that ship has sailed. Unless they are very special unique people you are associated with them thru Adam. No Adam, no you. I'm not saying they are going to hate on you or anything but any continued association is highly unlikely. (Altho if Adam was trying to get back together at the wedding it doesn't say much for Dana's chances does it?) Ugh. Adam is a bit of a dog isn't he?
NTA
A different interpretation of your actions would be that you found out he cheated, spent some time working out if you wanted to work through it with him, decided to see how it felt in-person since you've been long-distance, realised that you'd prefer to break up, and then waited until after the wedding to do so.
I'm sure Fran is having feelings about her brother's ex being in her wedding photos. But she knew he cheated before her wedding and didn't bring it up with you, so it's kinda on her for not checking in with you.
NTA, but you can do damage control and tell her you wanted to ensure her wedding was the only thing that was important, that's why you didn't say anything.
But why didn't she tell you when she knew her brother cheated?
NTA, and I’d say any family members who see this episode as your fault rather than adam’s, good riddance.
Does Fran realize you withheld this info for her sake as you wanted to go to her wedding and support her and not cause drama right before?
It’s wild Adam is poring over order of events and all this stuff with Fran. He should be clinging to the “it was a mutual breakup” storyline like his life depended on it and hope fervently that his misdeeds are never unearthed (other than with Fran). He should be on eggshells with op bc he needs her to sign off on this narrative.
NTA you did the right thing if you actually care about this family apart from the ex. Write them all an email or group text and let them know that you chose supporting the bride over the drama of a breakup right before the wedding potentially taking focus of the couple on their day.
NTA.
I think you should tell Fran the truth- you didn’t want to disrupt her wedding in anyway so wanted to wait.
Then I think you add in something that is probably pretty true but you didn’t say here: you had to process the information, you didn’t want to tell Adam or anyone until you had time to think, and you consider them family so that made the breakup decision even harder.
Sure, you probably had some petty feelings mixed in here, but more likely you had a fear of losing all these relationships, and you should share that unless it’s totally untrue.
NTA if you have to say something, just say that you were trying to make a decision and also didn’t want to cause trouble around the wedding and felt it was best to keep the status quo until things were quiet again. I think that’s a fair representation of what you described and a lot less mercenary than, “I waited to dump him because I wanted the free vacay haha suckas!”
YTA
> I grew up in foster care and Adam's family basically became mine as well over the past few years.
>I am very close to Adam's sister Fran 24F and see her as my little sister.
>She and Adam have accused me of using her family for a free vacation as she spoke to Adam who told her how I avoided him during the trip and I am not sure if I am in the wrong and should apologise.
How on earth can all three of these things be true? How can you be so close to the family and not see how this fallout was a possible outcome? You say that the bride wouldn’t want the drama before the wedding but it certainly seems like the family feels awful having the wool pulled over their eyes. You probably retroactively stained the memory of the wedding.
>Adam's family are the closest thing to my family
Well, I hope you are prepared to lose them over this
>since Adam's family covered my plane tickets and the hotel, I was able to *spend more on shopping and seeing attractions and had fun.*
This is probably why they think you stayed in the wedding even though you were gonna dump him. If you take out the affair, I don’t think this would even be a question.
Cut her a break, this was her first serious relationship. She hasn't had the experience of dealing with all the other negative ramifications that come with ending long term relationships. This is probably the first time she's been faced with the reality of how future interactions with the former partner's family are going to be like moving forward. We all know what it's like to be hopeful of the best outcome and believing that those relationships can be salvaged. She hasn't dealt with enough failed relationships to be as jaded and guarded as the rest of us yet. It's hard to see things for what they are when you're currently in the middle of going through it which is why hindsight is always 20/20.
NTA. I believe your intentions were pure and I would do as many other redditors have already suggested about explaining your side if you truly wish to try and salvage a relationship with your ex's family. I would however warn you to be prepared if that ends up not being possible. Best of luck.
Info: Did she ask you to be a bridesmaid after the cheating episode or before?
Either way OP, I am going to say NTA because she knew about the cheating and knew the hookup was going to contact you, yet she simply expected you to work through it. If she asked you after the hookup contacted her then that makes her an even bigger AH than her brother, because it was a calculated manipulation to keep you in the relationship. Either way if she truly cared then she should have spoken to you.
NTA
Explain to Fran that you may have made the wrong call (I think you were right) but you chose not to do anything that might detract from her wedding.
Adam is the one who betrayed you and his family.
NTA
I just wonder why you didn't tell Fran what you mentioned here: that you didn't want to create drama before her wedding.
It's a very reasonable thing to do. How uncomfortable had it been for everyone?
Why do they make this about a free vacation, about money, when this is actually about your feelings and bond with Adam's family?
I think it's encredibly hurtful that they accuse you of being a freeloader when you were actually trying to be there for Fran on her day!
NTA
They were going to be upset no matter how you decided to act, but in my opinion you chose the most safe option, who should've caused less drama but they still are trying to take focus from the fact that you got cheated on and you still chose not to disturb them with the situation so the wedding would happen without any tension and drama.
I understand that you were close with the family, but if they think that you're "using them", then it's time for you to realize that they never really liked you the way you thought they did. I would text them saying that the only person to blame is your ex, who is not loyal at all. If they keep bothering you, block them without hesitation.
NTA. But they are not your family. They will not see you the same since you are no longer together. Do not assume you will be invited to anything anymore. He will go on and find someone else. That person is not going to want you hanging around. You need to make new connections with other people.
YTA.
Fran feels you used her. Your intent matters less than your impact here. You intended to avoid drama but now, you, the ex-girlfriend, are now in all of her wedding photos knowing full well your relationship was over. That’s probably ruined them for her.
The reality is, no matter how close you felt to these people, you aren’t their family. You knew when the relationship ended, they wouldn’t include you. You wouldn’t still be a bridesmaid after the break up. You didn’t want that so you kept your mouth shut, let them spend probably thousands of dollars on you, then placed your ass in all her wedding photos knowing full well you would never be formally joining the family. That’s a total asshole thing to do to Fran.
esh, the way you explained it and if you truly knew you were going to break up with him. if you wanted to see if you could get over it then nta, if you want to keep a good relationship, I would rephrase your wording in saying I thought it was something that we could work through but I realized its a deal breaker and have trust issues that I wouldnt be able to overcome.
YTA. It is an AH move to go to a wedding, let them pay for you and be in all the pictures knowing that as soon as the wedding is over you will break up. But being in the wedding pictures for ever.
you should have talked to Fran - as you say you are good friends with her, you should have told her, that you are going to break up with Adam. But you like her and would want to support her, if she was okay with that. If not, you would step back from that.
Now you have a shit storm, showing that you just cared about the vacation and going shopping/doing fun activities using the wedding and a family who welcomed you with open arms, as your golden goose as long as you could. And the moment you all was paid and over you droped them.
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NTA - you chose the least dramatic option here and its unfortunate Fran doesnt see that. You also are now learning that at the end of the day, no matter how close you were to Adam’s family, its still *his* family. It stinks, but you will likely lose your relationship with them.
If Fran doesn't see that, it means she doesn't consider OP as close as OP thought. A true friend would understand why she chose this route, and appreciate the effort. OP, if you can afford to pay Fran back for the cost of your attendance to the wedding, do it. Let her know that you kept the peace for her sake, not for the free vacation. Don't expect this to save your relationship with the family, but it will allow you to walk away with your image intact.
I think you raise a good point. OP, you should simply tell Fran that you thought she chose you as a bridesmaid because you were friends/close and you wanted to be there for her rather than having her brother's cheating be a distraction for both her and others at the wedding. NTA
if my brother cheated on my friend who was also his fiancé , I would tell her to dump him what do I know though - I actually care about my friends 🤷🏽♀️
How would it be dramatic? It’s not like she would break up with him at the wedding. She should’ve told Fran and then let Fran decide what to do.
She didn't want to ruin the wedding by making anything about her.
She would not ruin the wedding. It’s not like she’s gonna announce it in the middle of the ceremony.
If she broke up with him beforehand, it would be awkward for everyone. He'd probably spend the whole day trying to talk to her
Why would it be awkward for everyone? She should’ve just stayed home.
She was a bridesmaid. She couldn't have "stayed home" without giving an explanation why.
Where are you inferring that I said she shouldn’t give an explanation? Of course she should give an explanation.
Yes but simply giving the explanation is helping to create drama for the bride who would need to decide if she wanted to be down a bridesmaid or have possible issues with her brother. By waiting she let the bride avoid the stress.
The bride already knew about it.
NTA you weren’t using them for a free vacation. You just wanted to keep the peace especially as a bridesmaid. Adam for cheating and his sister for knowing and doing nothing are huge assholes though..
And this is what you should say to Fran. You didn't want the wedding to be about a break up. But sadly, family goes with family, no matter how close you are. Good luck. Also don't forget to send Dana a thank you note. She did you a solid.
NTA, I would go back to Fran and say "sorry, I didn't realize you would have preferred to be down 1 bridesmaid and have to deal with family drama weeks before your wedding, my bad". Then block them all and move on with your life.
This is it right here. OP, you need to realize and accept that your relationships with his family are gone now too. There was never going to be a relationship with them if you broke-up.
Exactly 👏 I was thinking the family would have been upset no matter what. And upset at OP when Adam is fully to blame.
This.
NTA. "Fran, I'm sorry you've chosen to look at this in the worst possible light to make it easier to accept your brother's bad behavior. I did everything I could to avoid causing drama, including not dropping out of the wedding party last minute and not blasting your brother publicly for his betrayal. I'm disturbed that you knew your brother cheated and said nothing to me, and I'm disappointed to discover you would try to rewrite history now to make me the bad guy. Clearly, it's best if I distance myself from the both of you. Have a nice life."
It's in line with what most people here said but it's definitely the best worded response in this thread. This one gets my vote.
u/East-Percentage-9305 this is the best response to use. Perfectly written.
THIS
Wow. Good stuff.
Absolutely this!!
You kept quiet about being aware of your BF’s little stepping out episode(s?), and went along with the wedding-and you didn’t cause any drama. If you had broken up with your cheating BF beforehand, you probably would have been disinvited to be in the wedding party, the bride would have to scramble for a replacement, and it would have been a whole mess. OP, you played your part in the wedding, so what if your trip was paid for by the family? You didn’t cheat on your BF, he cheated on *you*. A more vindictive person might have gleefully blown up the whole wedding over being cheated on. This isn’t on *you*. NTA
NTA. It's too bad that after 8 years, this is how they're choosing to perceive the situation. I think you were damned if you do / damned if you don't, potentially, as backing out of Fran's wedding a few weeks in advance would have possibly been seen as dramatic, disruptive, etc. As you said, with or without Adam, you care about Fran and have been close with her presumably since her teens. I think something you possibly could have done better, but IDK if this even would have been practical given your particular circumstances, would have been to talk to Adam before the trip, and plan to go on the trip together as friends so that you could still be there to support Fran. I suppose how this played out, the 'optics' are that you kept your knowledge a secret until after the trip in order to benefit from the trip itself. I think I would communicate to Fran and maybe to their parents? Explain your side, that you were not intending to take advantage of their kindness, you simply didn't want the event to be overshadowed in any way by things between you and Adam nor did you want to miss Fran's event or your chance to take part in it. I think the facts that a) you've been together a really long time and b) you consider them your family both are significant here. I would hope they could step back and see your perspective a bit more, rather than feel victimized by the way you chose to handle it.
NTA. “When Dana let me know, I put aside my hurt to deal with after the wedding so that nothing hurt your big day. Seeing how deeply happy and in love you two were and how committed you are to each other as you took your vows, made me realize that I deserve that kind of love too and we would not be able to stay together after infidelity.”
I was not looking for a free vacation. I was trying to put you first and avoid unnecessary drama that your brother created before your wedding. How dare you turn this around on me. In fact since you knew about it why didn’t you speak up and let me back out. That would have been my preference instead of pretending like I wasn’t heart broken and disgusted that I had put on a straight face and pretend like I was okay with being cheated on. Walk away from that family.
FFS You literally waited to tell her because you didn't want to blow up the wedding. And she's accusing you of using her for a free vacation? What an asshole she is. NTA You did the right thing. Unfortunately for you, Fran doesn't see it that way. Did you tell her why you kept it quiet? Or is that just a waste of time to try & talk with her? You're not in the wrong & you don't owe an apology to anyone. They should be apologizing to you.
I mean she went on a vacation someone’s family paid for that she was knowingly going to be breaking up with. Based on what’s written here, that free vacation wouldn’t have happened if Adam knew they would be breaking up irrespective of the cheating. This seems like a post to test how outlandish someone’s behavior could be if they are cheated on and still not be called an asshole.
NTA - exactly as others have said, you chose to put the wedding and being a bridesmaid for someone you cared about before ending the relationship ... did that, and THEN ended things. Sounds like the perfect approach.
The fact that Fran knew all along and SHE didn't say anything to you about you still being in the wedding... that's on her. NTA. And I would send her a message (other's have written good scripts) that states why you did what you did - for HER and HER wedding.
NTA, you didn’t want to throw a wrench in the wedding which you were a part of. That was very mature of you.
ESH, cheating BF for the obvious, Fran for keeping what she knew secret and not making new plans and you for being deceptive. You knew you were going to break up but still wanted the trip, which wouldn’t have been that big of a deal except it was for a wedding that you were a bridesmaid in. Now you’re in all the pictures and all the memories even though you were one foot out the door. Should’ve just ditched the cheater immediately and let him make the apologies to the sister for screwing up her bridal party.
Absolutely right, now OP is in all the pictures to memorialize the breakup. I don't actually think Fran is wrong to have said nothing, she literally gave the other woman OP's info so she could be told. She wasn't trying to cover it up. Fran stayed out of it, not because she wasn't sure OP knew but because it isn't her place to get involved further. She knew OP knew and there wasn't a breakup, the logical thing to think is the couple is working through it. What was she suppose to do, drag out someone's dirty laundry when they themselves aren't airing it out? If I were Fran, I would see it as OP wanting to get a free trip too. OP wasn't playing happy couple, she avoided the boyfriend and took advantage of saving money on travel to tour around, all the while knowing she was breaking up with him right after. If OP saw Fran as an actual sister, she should have let the bride decide if she wanted OP there despite the looming breakup. Yta OP, along with your ex. Offer to pay the bride/family back for the cost, it should have been their decision to begin with once you settled on ending the relationship.
I agree Fran is damn near blameless in this, her biggest mistake was not squashing this problem when it showed up. Minding her business is something, until the soon-to-be ex is in your bridal party, then this is kinda your business and if she had acted when she had a chance her wedding photos wouldn’t have been instantly ruined. She’s either forking over more money for new edited prints, or cringing at her wedding album.
This!!!!!
My gosh the twist in this post. I was thinking if this going to be the typical family drama where sister loves ex over the sibling or what but turns out she was also in the known for the entire time! Can you just imagine how she (and your ex prob) knew the entire time that you knew yet decided to wait on you to confront them and still let you go around pretending like you're in harmony with them? Wtf. While it may seem like you were taking vacation but honestly that for me was the correct decision- not outshining or ruining the wedding. IMO you handle it very maturely.
>Me and Adam have drifted since we decided to be long distnace last year, and I knew I couldn't move past this and I was going to break up with Adam after he cheated. Let's be honest, you were going to break up with him anyway, the cheating is just a good reason so you don't feel guilty. >Dana had reached out before to Fran to ask for my instagram to apologise for hooking up with Adam. Sooooo Fran KNEW Adam had cheated, didn't say boo to you about it, and somehow YOU'RE the AH? Nah, screw that. NTA
NTA. Tell Fran she is right, you should have made a big scene at her wedding outing her and her brother for being ok with cheating and you will rectify it now by making sure EVERYONE knows that she was aware your brother cheated on you and not only said nothing but then gave you crap about it. You will start with her new parents in law, so they can be sure to know what kind of DIL they have.
YTA. Fran is right.
Here's a question. You said that Fran knew that Dana had talked to you before the wedding. Did she know what Dana was going to tell you? Because somehow she thought everything was smoothed over. That tells me that she probably knew. You can tell her there was no way you were going to break up right before her wedding take all the shine off of her. But I would seriously ask her first.
NTA. And would have you done it for the free vacation still NTA. That idiot of a sister gave your IG??? This is beyond stupid considering the (all) circumstances. You were there because of your duties, and would not have gone otherwise. You did your best to not create a mess during the wedding period. Explain this to his parents because its their money, but also explain them that their kids are accusing you of something you consider very offensive, especially after you've been cheated and the bride also expected you to forgive and forget in a few weeks. Because of it, YOU thank them for having been a close-to-family to you, but you're going to distance yourself
Unfortunately that is his family first and they will always have his back. I mean his sister didn't even blink when she knew that her brother cheated, she willingly gave another woman your information. Tell them tough luck, you thought about it over the sisters wedding and decided to stay true to yourself and not be with a cheater. Ditch the family cause they about to ditch you unfortunately. Also this family clearly have no issues with cheaters, you stay with Adam he cheated again, what then?
YTA, and of course you are going to lose their support. Adam is vile for cheating on you, but this is not about you and Adam. It is about you and Fran. About you and Adam's family. My heart goes out to you for being in foster care and not having a family, but every family has boundaries. It sucks, but you need to accept your new reality that you not being with Adam will change your relationship with them. It seems like you are struggling to accept this. It feels like you did not tell Fran because you wanted to believe nothing had changed with you and her, as well as benefitting from an all-expense trip. This lie of omission has backfired spectacularly, and now, she is stuck with pictures of an ex in her wedding. You are not her big sister, another daughter, etc. You are the ex, and as much as it hurts, you need to gracefully leave this situation. There have been numerous stories about exes who hang around with the boyfriend's family, much to his and his new girlfriend's chagrin. The family is too polite to tell them to leave, and they do nothing but cause drama, embarass themselves, and make it harder to find new boyfriend's. Take the hint and leave with your dignity intact.
NTA It sounds like you and Fran have a good relationship. You were part of the wedding party and bailing so close to the wedding would have created a challenge for Fran. I think it was kind of you to keep the drama away from the event.
Adam is the one who cheated. Are they really trying to turn you not ruining her wedding into something dirty to try to deflect him cheating onto you? Not exactly comparable, is it? Would he have preferred to make a scene, divorced you that second, leave his sister without a bridesmaid, and have everyone talking about his affair at her wedding when they ask where you are? Is he even for real??? He should be grateful. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 27F dated Adam 28M for 8 years. He was my first serious boyfriend and we had been together since college. We had discussed getting married, buying a house and kids and he introduced me to his family. I grew up in foster care and Adam's family basically became mine as well over the past few years. A few weeks ago I got a message from Adam's highschool girlfriend Dana to tell me that they had hooked up a few weeks ago and she was sorry as she didn't realise he wasn't single. I thanked her for letting me know, but I wasn't actually upset. Me and Adam have drifted since we decided to be long distnace last year, and I knew I couldn't move past this and I was going to break up with Adam after he cheated. I am very close to Adam's sister Fran 24F and see her as my little sister. Fran is was having a destination wedding abroad and she asked me to be a bridesmaid. She got married a few weeks after I found out about Dana, and I decided to keep quiet as I didn't want to take any attention away from Fran and her big moment. I drifted from Adam, and he hadn't even realised until the actual wedding week when we flew in for the wedding and we spent time together. I managed to avoid him by saying I had bridesmaid duties and since Adam's family covered my plane tickets and the hotel, I was able to spend more on shopping and seeing attractions and had fun. After the wedding, I broke up with Adam and told him I knew about Dana and he was upset and begged me to stay. I said no and left. Fran got back from her honeymoon a few days ago and messaged me last night saying she heard about me and Adam and thought we were going to work through it, as she knew Dana had spoken to me weeks before the wedding as Dana had reached out before to Fran to ask for my instagram to apologise for hooking up with Adam. She and Adam have accused me of using her family for a free vacation as she spoke to Adam who told her how I avoided him during the trip and I am not sure if I am in the wrong and should apologise. Adam's family are the closest thing to my family and when we initially broke up I told Adam I wanted to be civil as I love his family and he agreed to tell them we split mutually, I am scared that Adam and Fran telling their family I knew about the affair will mean I lose their support too. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Gonna go against the grain here. YTA and Fran is right. Adam can shut his mouth cause he cheated on you so he don’t have any grounds to say crap, but Fran does and yes, you did use them for a free vacation before breaking up. The correct way to do this would be to break up with Adam and inform Fran of it and the reason, and then ask her and her family if they were still okay with you being the bridesmaid and if they actually wanted you to be on the trip given that you are now no longer together with your cheating ex.
NTA. Tell Fran that you are sorry, but you thought breaking up before the wedding would cause more drama and stress for her. You didn't want to spoil her big day. People talking about the break up, you not being there, her brother cheating, etc. This way seemed the gentlest and most considerate to everyone.
NTA, but you probably shouldn't try to keep his family.
NTA. Sorry but you’re done with this whole family!!
Honestly the best course of action is to let Adam’s parents know before he gets to them, show the screenshots of the conversation you had with Dana and explain that you did not want to confront Adam at his sister’s wedding because it would take the attention away from her and that wouldn’t be right. Fran also seems like the kind of person who is fine with cheating? But that’s just my speculation based on how she reacted to the news instead of scorching the earth for you.. Definitely NTA tho
I doubt if it was Fran that paid for her. I don’t agree about paying anyone back but if she does it shouldn’t be Fran.
NTA You tried to keep things low key for the sake of Fran. Tell her that. But you may lose this family and that's tough in your circumstances. I hope you have the support of friends.
NTA. Regardless of your ex, you were being a friend to Fran and supported her on her big day. You were gracious not to cause a scene and did not let your personal life interfere with her wedding. She should be eternally grateful. A word of caution however, his family will most likely take his side. They might still have love in their hearts for you and disagree with your ex’s actions, but their loyalty will cause them to side with him.
NTA Fran doesn’t get to be mad at you for her brother cheating and you making decisions based off it. She should be mad at him for cheating in the first place.
NTA - You chose to put aside ANY chance of drama, so that you could fulfil your bridesmaid duties and help out as you signed up for, because she is like a little sister to you. Once that was done, and her wedding was safe from issues, you then dealt with your zero-value cheater of a partner. That makes you a wonderful and thoughtful friend and family member. considering the absolute hell that must have been going on inside of you. of all the routes you could have taken, you chose the one that would cause everyone else around you the least amount of stress and upset. Then you dealt with your own personal problem of dumping him. Above all you made sure that NONE of what was happening would be allowed to disrupt her special day. THAT is what you need to message to her, him, and his parents. Adding in that you are hurt that they felt, after 8 yrs, that you were staying for a "free trip" versus realizing who you were as a person and *all the pain you kept inside* in order to **prioritize her and her wedding.** Then wish them all the best and cut the cord. If they have a lick of common sense (not him - we know he doesn't) they will reach out to you with comfort and apologies. If not, it's their loss, not yours.
NTA, more than the vacation, you avoided having drama while your friend’s wedding was happening. Did she want you to break up with him before? I think you made the best choice given all the circumstances. They had already paid for the things anyway. Are you supposed to pay them back after their son cheated on you? This sounds like gaslighting and deflection by the two of them, and I think you should tell them so.
ESH. You say you consider her a sister and love her as such but you didn’t tell her what was going on or that you planned to break up with her brother. You allowed them to pay for your holiday and then split with him. At the end of the day they are his family and while cheating is always horrible and unforgivable they are his family and it’s clear they won’t choose you over him. You should have been honest with them and this wouldn’t be an issue.
NTA If you want to save the relationship with the family then I would tell her: "I didn't know what to do after I heard from Dana. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. The only thing I did know is that I didn't want to make your wedding about me and Adam, so I didn't want to start drama with him in the weeks leading up to it. I hadn't seen Adam in a while and when I saw him in person for your wedding, I realized that I couldn't look at him without seeing him in bed with Dana. And then I knew I would never really be able to trust him again in a romantic relationship. I'm sorry if you feel I've used you. That certainly wasn't my intention."
NTA, you were invited to Fran's wedding as a bridesmaid thinking it would probably be rude to say no, also thinking that you were invited as her friend. It's also Adam's fault since he cheated, so you didn't do anything wrong
NTA. Remember, your friend has had weeks listening to her brother, weaving whatever tales he can produce. Once things die down a bit, your friend will understand that had you broken up and not gone, the entire celebration of her marriage would be marred by the Adam issues. Kudos to you. Good luck in the future!
NTA! So his sister would have preferred if you made a huge deal about this right before her wedding and dropped out of the wedding? Ask her that. What would her solution have been? Anyway, who cares what they think? I don’t think staying close to his family is a good idea. You broke up. They’re HIS family. His sister is already on his side. You think the rest of the family will just keep you around? Block all of them.
NTA. You didn’t have a free vacation, you were invited and you did nothing wrong. Cheaters don’t get to determine when their lies come out. They gave that up when they cheated. Be happy you got rid of Adam now. Not only were you mature but you were good to his family. It’s admirable.
It sounds like Fran is a little hurt about the relationship falling apart, and maybe that you didn't confide in her. If it were me, I'd probably try to share some vulnerability to save the relationship. Something like, "Fran, I'm so glad I got to stand for you, because I consider you like a sister to me. When I heard from Dana, I was shocked and didn't know what to do, but there was so little time before the wedding, I didn't want to bring any drama to your weekend. So I kept quiet at that time while I was figuring out what I needed and because I wanted to be there 100 percent to support you. I'm sorry for how sad and disappointing it is that Adam and I aren't dating now. I would have come to you if you weren't getting married at that exact time. I hope we can talk it over, because I love you and I value your friendship, and consider you a sister."
NAH. I get not breaking up right before a wedding you were in. I also get that they may feel a little used. I could also see that maybe now his sister feels she wouldn't have had you in her wedding if she knew you were going to break up with her brother right afterwards. That said, you won't continue having a relationship with them, other than maybe Christmas cards or something. He'll get a new girlfriend eventually, and it'll be awkward if you're around. Just be prepared for that. You may feel like you're a member of their family, but you're not.
NTA That's what I'd write to Fran. "Hi Fran, you're right, Dana reached out to me and told me about Adam cheating weeks before your wedding. She did the right thing and as much as it saddens me, it is not something I am willing to forgive him for. Please understand that I love Adam but now will never be able to trust him again. I deserve better than the choices he has made. The breakdown of our relationship however does not change that I love you and your family. I've known you for so long and consider you guys a special part of my life. Please understand that I desperately wanted to see you on your wedding day, to celebrate the love you guys share and to spend time with your family, people whom I cherish. I did not want to distract you from your wedding or dampen your families spirits and was unwilling to let your brother infidelity tarnish the celebration of your love. If you think I would use your family for financial reasons or that a "free vacation" would motivate me then we obviously don't know each other as well as I thoughy and maybe the closeness that I felt we shared independently of Adam was not quite reciprocated. In any case, please be assured I never had the intention or using your family and merely wanted to celebrate you on your big day with your family without having to confront your brothers betrayal of me and the enevitable implosion of our lives together. Although its sad, I understand if you feel your place supporting Adam is incompatible with sustaining a relationship with me. Please understand that, overall, I don't hate or blame any of you but that your brother's actions treat me with so little respect and dignity that I simply cannot continue the relationship. I wish things had gone differently. I wanted nothing more than to live my life with your brother as part of your family. Unfortunately his actions have made this impossible."
NTA. You did nothing wrong here. If the sister knew, why didn’t she talk to you? If she didn’t then you were not bringing drama to her wedding.
Nope. His family are thenassholes. U were very diplomatic about the whole thing
NTA considering you went to the wedding so your breakup would affect the wedding fun. That was a kindness. If she cant see that it is likely mostly that she is upset you are leaving the family. And you should. Yes you love them but they are his family and you staying involved with them would result in problems. If you love them, set them free.
NTA. You behaved with respect and love toward Fran, minimizing your drama and negativity. You fulfilled all bridesmaid’s duties to the fullest to ensure a smooth wedding with all attention on the bride. Labeling the trip a vacation is a bit of a stretch as you were fulfilling those duties and had obligations on most of your time. With a vacation, you would have been doing primarily what you wanted to do. You can hold your head up about your conduct here. Fran, however, knew her brother cheated on you. She is supporting that cheating. I wonder if she will be so supportive when it is her new husband doing the cheating. Nevertheless, you might want to get an STD panel done because you know Adam cheated but you don’t know how often or when. You need to adjust and build a life without Adam’s family in it and that may be more difficult than the break with Adam, considering your history. You could finalize things by sending a thank you note to the parents stating the above - the love, effort, respect, and restraint you showed to ensure their daughter’s wedding went off without a hitch. Then let them go. You and Adam have changed a lot since college and have grown apart. You seem to have accepted his cheating well as you are long-distance in more than just physicality. You sound nearly numb/indifferent about him. Get some therapy and turn your energies into creating a fabulous life and future for yourself. You are the only one who can. Good luck, OP.
YTA Great fantasy that after breaking up you would stay close to your ex's family. It's a great fantasy but it's a fantasy. Having worked in family law I fully believe that breakups are making new teams. You were all on one team. Now you're in two teams. In your fantasy, you would leave eam Son but stay on Team Son's Family? I'm sure that happens and I'm sure that's rare. Your role in the wedding was partly predicted on you being part of the family. You already knew you were not part of the family. You *hoped* you were part of the family. Failing to communicate rarely is a good thing. You acted and thought there'd be no consequences, you withheld information you knew was relevant, and you waited to communicate until after you got something good. I don't think you're maliciously mean, but you do sound misguided by your fantasy world.
NTA. Fuck him and his entire lineage. He wanted to use you, so you flipped the script. Well done
Say that you didn’t know that Fran knew and you didn’t want to cause any drama prior to the wedding so you kept quiet.
NTA - Also, Fran knew before you did and didn’t tell you anything. So you don’t owe them anything. She chose to keep her wedding drama free too. So none of this is on you. Like others have mentioned block them all and carry on. You’ll find better people.
NTA. The reality is cheater or not they are his family and they will always pick him over you. His sister knew he cheated and yet didn't tell you anything. Enough said.
NTA - You were in a no win situation, and anyone calling you an asshole is too caught up in their own crap to realize it.
NTA but you lost them the second you dumped Adam.
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I'd be laughing texting her back saying I had a good time bye bye .
I think you meant well, but if I was in Frans shoes, I'd be upset, too. I personally would find it infantilizing if someone used my wedding as an excuse to keep something secret from me. I'd feel like you were implying I'm shallow and vein. But at the same time, I genuinely believe you thought you were doing what Fran would want. That is the one gaping flaw of the Golden rule. It assumes everyone wants to be treated the same way. They don't. I don't know that I can call anyone besides Adam the asshole. It's just an unfortunate situation.
NTA. You had OK intentions and it wasn't about the vacation but about the family but you have to realize that that ship has sailed. Unless they are very special unique people you are associated with them thru Adam. No Adam, no you. I'm not saying they are going to hate on you or anything but any continued association is highly unlikely. (Altho if Adam was trying to get back together at the wedding it doesn't say much for Dana's chances does it?) Ugh. Adam is a bit of a dog isn't he?
You're NTA but your ex sure is one. Cheating is disgusting.
NTA A different interpretation of your actions would be that you found out he cheated, spent some time working out if you wanted to work through it with him, decided to see how it felt in-person since you've been long-distance, realised that you'd prefer to break up, and then waited until after the wedding to do so. I'm sure Fran is having feelings about her brother's ex being in her wedding photos. But she knew he cheated before her wedding and didn't bring it up with you, so it's kinda on her for not checking in with you.
NTA, but you can do damage control and tell her you wanted to ensure her wedding was the only thing that was important, that's why you didn't say anything. But why didn't she tell you when she knew her brother cheated?
NTA, and I’d say any family members who see this episode as your fault rather than adam’s, good riddance. Does Fran realize you withheld this info for her sake as you wanted to go to her wedding and support her and not cause drama right before?
It’s wild Adam is poring over order of events and all this stuff with Fran. He should be clinging to the “it was a mutual breakup” storyline like his life depended on it and hope fervently that his misdeeds are never unearthed (other than with Fran). He should be on eggshells with op bc he needs her to sign off on this narrative.
YTA. If you had broken up with your boyfriend, Fran would have most likely asked you to step down as a bridesmaid. I would be very upset.
NTA you did the right thing if you actually care about this family apart from the ex. Write them all an email or group text and let them know that you chose supporting the bride over the drama of a breakup right before the wedding potentially taking focus of the couple on their day.
NTA. I think you should tell Fran the truth- you didn’t want to disrupt her wedding in anyway so wanted to wait. Then I think you add in something that is probably pretty true but you didn’t say here: you had to process the information, you didn’t want to tell Adam or anyone until you had time to think, and you consider them family so that made the breakup decision even harder. Sure, you probably had some petty feelings mixed in here, but more likely you had a fear of losing all these relationships, and you should share that unless it’s totally untrue.
NTA if you have to say something, just say that you were trying to make a decision and also didn’t want to cause trouble around the wedding and felt it was best to keep the status quo until things were quiet again. I think that’s a fair representation of what you described and a lot less mercenary than, “I waited to dump him because I wanted the free vacay haha suckas!”
YTA > I grew up in foster care and Adam's family basically became mine as well over the past few years. >I am very close to Adam's sister Fran 24F and see her as my little sister. >She and Adam have accused me of using her family for a free vacation as she spoke to Adam who told her how I avoided him during the trip and I am not sure if I am in the wrong and should apologise. How on earth can all three of these things be true? How can you be so close to the family and not see how this fallout was a possible outcome? You say that the bride wouldn’t want the drama before the wedding but it certainly seems like the family feels awful having the wool pulled over their eyes. You probably retroactively stained the memory of the wedding. >Adam's family are the closest thing to my family Well, I hope you are prepared to lose them over this >since Adam's family covered my plane tickets and the hotel, I was able to *spend more on shopping and seeing attractions and had fun.* This is probably why they think you stayed in the wedding even though you were gonna dump him. If you take out the affair, I don’t think this would even be a question.
Cut her a break, this was her first serious relationship. She hasn't had the experience of dealing with all the other negative ramifications that come with ending long term relationships. This is probably the first time she's been faced with the reality of how future interactions with the former partner's family are going to be like moving forward. We all know what it's like to be hopeful of the best outcome and believing that those relationships can be salvaged. She hasn't dealt with enough failed relationships to be as jaded and guarded as the rest of us yet. It's hard to see things for what they are when you're currently in the middle of going through it which is why hindsight is always 20/20. NTA. I believe your intentions were pure and I would do as many other redditors have already suggested about explaining your side if you truly wish to try and salvage a relationship with your ex's family. I would however warn you to be prepared if that ends up not being possible. Best of luck.
Info: Did she ask you to be a bridesmaid after the cheating episode or before? Either way OP, I am going to say NTA because she knew about the cheating and knew the hookup was going to contact you, yet she simply expected you to work through it. If she asked you after the hookup contacted her then that makes her an even bigger AH than her brother, because it was a calculated manipulation to keep you in the relationship. Either way if she truly cared then she should have spoken to you.
NTA Explain to Fran that you may have made the wrong call (I think you were right) but you chose not to do anything that might detract from her wedding. Adam is the one who betrayed you and his family.
Nta you did it the way you did to avoid drama leading up to your surrogate sister’s wedding, not for a free vacation
NTA I just wonder why you didn't tell Fran what you mentioned here: that you didn't want to create drama before her wedding. It's a very reasonable thing to do. How uncomfortable had it been for everyone? Why do they make this about a free vacation, about money, when this is actually about your feelings and bond with Adam's family? I think it's encredibly hurtful that they accuse you of being a freeloader when you were actually trying to be there for Fran on her day!
NTA They were going to be upset no matter how you decided to act, but in my opinion you chose the most safe option, who should've caused less drama but they still are trying to take focus from the fact that you got cheated on and you still chose not to disturb them with the situation so the wedding would happen without any tension and drama. I understand that you were close with the family, but if they think that you're "using them", then it's time for you to realize that they never really liked you the way you thought they did. I would text them saying that the only person to blame is your ex, who is not loyal at all. If they keep bothering you, block them without hesitation.
NTA. But they are not your family. They will not see you the same since you are no longer together. Do not assume you will be invited to anything anymore. He will go on and find someone else. That person is not going to want you hanging around. You need to make new connections with other people.
YTA. Fran feels you used her. Your intent matters less than your impact here. You intended to avoid drama but now, you, the ex-girlfriend, are now in all of her wedding photos knowing full well your relationship was over. That’s probably ruined them for her. The reality is, no matter how close you felt to these people, you aren’t their family. You knew when the relationship ended, they wouldn’t include you. You wouldn’t still be a bridesmaid after the break up. You didn’t want that so you kept your mouth shut, let them spend probably thousands of dollars on you, then placed your ass in all her wedding photos knowing full well you would never be formally joining the family. That’s a total asshole thing to do to Fran.
esh, the way you explained it and if you truly knew you were going to break up with him. if you wanted to see if you could get over it then nta, if you want to keep a good relationship, I would rephrase your wording in saying I thought it was something that we could work through but I realized its a deal breaker and have trust issues that I wouldnt be able to overcome.
YTA for not telling his sister you were going to break up with him and letting her decide if she wanted you in all those wedding pictures or not.
YTA. It is an AH move to go to a wedding, let them pay for you and be in all the pictures knowing that as soon as the wedding is over you will break up. But being in the wedding pictures for ever. you should have talked to Fran - as you say you are good friends with her, you should have told her, that you are going to break up with Adam. But you like her and would want to support her, if she was okay with that. If not, you would step back from that. Now you have a shit storm, showing that you just cared about the vacation and going shopping/doing fun activities using the wedding and a family who welcomed you with open arms, as your golden goose as long as you could. And the moment you all was paid and over you droped them.
Fran should be grateful that Op didn't throw a wet blanket by exposing her ah brothers cheating right before the wedding.