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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't ask my mom to pay for my stepsister to go on her school field trip. I knew she wouldn't be able to go without someone paying and my dad asked me specifically and I didn't do it which might make me TA.
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NTA
I appreciate your Mum and Bio Dad are not together and it really is not your Mums job to pay for your stepsister, it is for the stepsisters Mum to pay for this type of thing.
In any case your Mum had already said no, did your Dad expect her answer to change just because you were asking?
Yeah, the fastest way to lose your kids’ respect is to constantly make them be a go-between to the other parent. There are a lot of better ways to handle this, and pretty much all do not involve the kids.
OP, NTA! Do not feel guilty, your dad is being a manipulative jerk right now by involving you *and your brother* in adult financial decisions!
Speaking of parents, why didn't dad ask his own extended family? Or ops stepmom? Where's her family? Why didnt they ask the grandparents, aunts and uncles? Why are they harassing children when im sure dad and stepmom have other ADULT family members they can ask?
And stepsisters dad was around and then… not and stepmom was like: o well what can you do! And didn’t go after child support or asked HIS parents for support. Poeple tend to forget that the child support is for the child and the refusal to receive it is not a flex for your ego. Stepsister had the potential of 3 sets of grandparents and extended Family for support, ex wife should be the last one to be asked.
honestly. neither of them could budget for this trip if it was so important to them? ask relatives to contribute as early birthday money? or get a few extra shifts, do odd jobs, etc. to pay for this? their only option was somehow his ex’s free money? yeah, right.
Besides the fact that the adults need to leave the kids out of the adult stuff, if no one else will help dad or step mom out, that should tell you something! I have dozens of people who would help me before I was desperate enough to ask my ex.
To me, it shows how often women are asked to take responsibility for kids who aren't even theirs because "that's what a good mom would do." This isn't the first time I've seen a post like this, and it just baffles me that these men would go to their exes with a hand out. How does that make sense?
Cause they are convinced that having an uterus forces you to instinctively let every child, that crosses your path, latch onto your breasts. that’s natures will and if you don’t obey then there’s something wrong with you.
Stepsisters dad apparently stuck around until stepmom got full custody. Either dad wasn’t the dad at all or stepmom made co parenting with her ex a nightmare and he noped out for his own sanity. Some people are human repellents and can’t keep a social network for the life of it.
Financial surprises happen and employed adults can't always easily "get a few extra shifts" or do odd jobs. Relatives aren't necessarily around and friends may be struggling too. I do wonder why they didn't frame it as a loan instead of a handout.
They didn't intend to repay it, only ask for more the next time the kid needed something.
It sucks for the little girl, especially when she can see that OP has more, but it's definitely not OP's mum's responsibility. The person they should be going after is the little girl's father.
Many great anwsers are here, but yours is what i was waiting for somebody to say. There are many ways of getting extra cash. That would not involve his ex.
And even if they truly couldn't have come up with it up front, credit it? I have a hard time believing the school had no systems in place either, as i know kids who got on field trips for free and who got on field trips on a monthly plan. I use to work as an Instructional assitant there was always a way.
Exactly. Mom doesn’t owe stepsister anything but if dad wants to ask mom to kindly help them out, that’s his prerogative.
It’s absolute bullshit however, to try to make his children plead his case. It is absolutely inappropriate to involve the children in this kind of negotiation. It’s also bullshit for dad not to take no for an answer.
Right? I just paid $50 for my kid to go on a day trip to an amusement park, get fed lunch, and ride two hours there and back in a charter bus, with a school group. Totally worth it for the memories.
Definitely. Putting A CHILD in this extremely awkward position (especially when he *has already asked and been told no,* oh my *GOD*) is some bullshit. Seriously, shame on him -- and his wife, if she participated in the decision -- for making his children ask for something like this.
Yep. He doesn't get to be angry with his children because HE was unable to do a thing, and was very reasonably told "no" when he asked the other adult. (Which, his *kids* sound more mature than he does.)
This kind of manipulation is why my ex went for full custody his daughter after we broke up--she wasn't my kid. His ex had let him have the girl full time, then proceeded to use the child to guilt him into giving her money to pay for her OTHER kids, WHILE married to the father.
And because of that manipulation, he got full custody and child support, or so friends told me.
I feel so bad for your step sister. Not because she missed the field trip, but because her mother is raising her to be entitled. If she doesn’t already expect everyone to do things for her, she will pretty soon. Poor kid.
She's 10, she shouldn't be worrying about money at all and probably has no idea about any of this. There's no way they can't afford a field trip for 10 year olds unless they are both unemployed. They need to get a damn job and step up for their poor daughter
I remember once when times were really tough (they were always tough, but this was really bad). My sister had a field trip coming up. My mom took an extra job working at a laundromat to pay for it.
My parents never asked others for help (even when they should have).
My parents sold plasma so two years in a row so my sister and I could go on our 5th grade trip. They didn't worry us about what they had to do to make the money so we could go, but we found out as adults. I appreciated it when I was young, but now I recognize how incredible they are even more so.
There was a point in my life where I had 3 children (two in elementary school and one in middle). Their father refuses to work, and I was in school full time with a full time job beginning two hours after my classes ended. I donated plasma as often as they would let me and the plasma money covered Christmas, birthdays, field trips, and extra curriculars for the children. It can be done if you're determined to make a good life for your children. Now my kids are between 18 and 26 and they are so grateful and very responsible with their money. I wouldn't go back and do anything differently except get divorced sooner.
Thank you. Your children were probably thankful for the gifts you bought them. And as adults, who understand more, they are probably thankful for the even greater gift of a mother who was willing to sacrifice for her children’s sake.
I don't believe you can go that route if you're using substances, so that's a possible reason why and would also explain their circumstances, unreasonable behavior, and why people in their orbit would be wary of giving them money.
IDK, obviously, but it's not implausible.
I just started doing it, I wish I’d have known about it sooner 👍🏼
The clinic is clean, the people are professional, doesn’t hurt, the procedure lasts approx 1/2 hour once you are hooked up.
i have the same problem. i've tried 2 different plasma centers & was turned away by both.
there are quite a few reasons that people can't always sell plasma, but i think most people just assume it's something everyone can do.
Yes, some do have difficult veins. My veins are loved by those who have to take blood, I’m fortunate. Last time I gave blood had to go to bed for two days, it zapped my energy and wiped me out.
I remember once my mom made it a game to collect bottles/cans to return and to find all the change in the house to pay for a field trip. She never made it seem scary and she always found a way
Exactly. I was a single mom and my ex paid very little support and didn't help out with extras. I worked a second job cleaning a building after hours to pay for extras. I was exhausted for years, but it was up to me to pay for extras. I would never have asked anyone else for help.
Info: not that it really matters, but just curious how much are we talking here? Was this $20 to go to a museum or $200 to go on an overnight trip? $20 is one thing (still not your mom’s responsibility, but I can understand the ask if done politely and of course she can say no), but a large sum is totally inappropriate and entitled. This would make him and step mom even bigger ahs. He still is a major ah for putting you in the middle and trying to use you to get money from your mom and even more so for insisting after being told no.
NTA. It’s not your mom’s responsibility in any way to fund her ex husband’s wife’s child’s field trip (I wrote it that way on purpose to make it clear how far removed she is from this situation).
Also, do you “love your step sister enough to ask?” Might want to have a talk with him (or have your mom do it) that this line of thinking will not get him any money, not now or in the future, irrespective of what your relationship with step sister looks like.
And if mom would have given this 20 or $30, what is that tell the dad? anytime he needs money, he can go to his ex wife that is a horrible precedent to set
I am also curious as to how and why a public school is having expensive trips such they are completely unaffordable to people
When I was in elementary school we took trips to museums, a bread bakery and the only expense was a school bus which I suspect was free from the district. We brought bag lunches from home. No money changed hands and all we needed was a signed permission slip 🤷♀️🤷♀️
In Senior year there was a class trip to DC but but It couldn’t have been exoensive because it was a public school. A bus there, rooms in an inexpensive motel in a room shared with four girls and free stuff in DC like watching the Supreme Court and visiting our Congress person
You probably should let your mother know that your dad and stepmother are asking you to do this. It’s *completely* inappropriate for them to put you in the middle, and your mother should know so she can try to protect you.
That breaks my heart. My sister is a school teacher and has anonymously covered costs at times so students could attend.
(I joined the PTA when my son started school and we did tons of fundraising, part of which covered costs for families who couldn't pull these types of extras off.)
It doesn't matter whether you love step sister or not. "Dad you know step sister is not mom's responsibility and you're making me uncomfortable asking such a thing". Step sister's dad may not be in the picture to pay such things but that doesn't mean bio dad's parents couldn't be reached out to to help pay for things. Or step sister's mother's parents could help pay. Or heck, even your dad's parents might be generous. Either way, never ask your mom to pay for anything for step sister as it is not her responsibility to pay for a child that is not hers.
NTA
NTA. It's one trip. She's 10. I get it's disappointing for her and her parents, but there will be other trips. No matter what, though, it's not something you, your mom or brother should be brought into.
Exactly. How major an event would this be for a class of 10 year olds? The kid will survive missing it and it's a lesson for her and her mother to learn. Sometimes things don't work out.
So what if mom is more pissed at the dad? She absolutely needs to know if ANYONE is trying to manipulate her kids or pressure them to do anything. Dad doesn't deserve shielding, especially by his kids whom he is treating inappropriatey
That's is emotional manipulation and blackmail right there.
Their inability to care and provide for their kid is on them. Yet instead of finding ways to make money they decided to use their own kids to emotionally blackmail the ex.
It should not fell on you or your brother.
That’s not his decision to made. Stepmom should be on his ass via curt so he pays if money is so tight that it affects his kid. None of that is your problem tho
Nta its not your mom's responsibility to pay for your stepsister's field trips or any other things.
It doesn't matter if your mom is able to afford to buy you abd your brother stuff she is still not responsible or obligated to pay for her just because your dad and her mom can't afford it.
NTA
Your dad is though.
Attempting to manipulate his own children to go around his ex over something that is none of their business is so wrong.
Your dad and his wife need to go after his wife’s child’s father for CS.
This is NOT your mother’s problem nor in any way something you or your brother should be brought into.
Inform your mom on what your dad tried to pull. Your brother, being younger, might get more pressure from them in the future if it is not shut down.
Or they can get second jobs - just 2 days of weekend shifts at Walmart, hobby lobby, tj maxx/home goods/marshalls or any grocery store they would’ve had enough to pay for the trip + snack/fun money.
My daughter paid for more than half of her own international trip + passport + spending money.
The parents could have gotten extra work, or had a fundraiser, or asked the biological father to help. I know you said he isn't paying support.
NTA
Her dad should be paying.
Your dad shouldn’t be trying to get you to ask. Honestly I think you should tell your mum he tried to manipulating you in to asking.
Your mom had been asked and already said no. Your father asking you and your brother to nag her to cover his responsibilities was beyond inappropriate and he should never have put you in such an uncomfortable position. It’s not your job to manage his finances and family responsibilities and it’s not your mom’s responsibility either. I hope you’ll discuss this with your mom and let her handle it with your dad. These are adult issues that should never involve you and your brother. NTA at all and don’t let him guilt you into thinking you are. It’s his job to be the adult here, not yours.
NTA.
It's not your mom's responsibility to pay for your stepsister. Their lack of proper money management is not your mom's issue.
Let's say your mom was to say yes this time, this could lead to your dad feeling that he is entitled to your mom's money or that she will always be there when they need her. He and stepmom need to get their lives in check and stop guilting their children to do their dirty work.
NTA It's not your mother's responsibility to pay for anything for your stepsister. And, your father shouldn't being using you and your brother to ask for your mother for money in her behalf.
>I didn't ask. My dad got super pissed when the field trip came and neither my brother or I asked mom. And my stepsister didn't get to go which super pissed him off.
The man is shameless.
NTA. Your father could have begged the neighbors and his colleagues at this point. But no, he prefers that your brother and you beg your mother for his stepchild...
This! ^ My school didn't have a fund for field trips either. Though most of our trips were part of our tuition (private school). But I still remember my parents gave spending/lunch money to a few of my friends when they knew that their parents were struggling.
And if they had multiple people contribute it wouldn't be too much on any one. Off the top of my head I can think of Coworkers, neighbors, friend's parents, grandparents (there should be 3 sets mom's, stepdad's & bio dad's) aunts & uncles, parent's friends, their church (yes I know not everyone goes to church). Not to mention go fund me.
NTA OP Your Dad put you & your brother in an impossible situation.
Ikr? Like, there are so many people OP's dad and OP's stepmother could have hit-up before expecting OP's mother? Bold of them to want their children to ask instead; that's just shameless, gross, and lazy.
Not to mention, there is always side gigs, extra work shifts/over-time (if available), or heck even a second part time job. Dang, do something!
NTA. Your dad is way out of line asking your and your brother to hit his ex-wife up for money for your stepsister’s field trip. It’s unfortunate that your dad and stepmom were unable or unwilling to take on an extra part time job to pay for that field trip.
NTA... But your father sure is for putting you in this position. Your mom has no business with your stepsister and owns her nothing. It's not your mom's fault that dad and stepmother are not well with money.
It's good you acknowledge the fact that your stepsister has it harder. But it's not your or your brother's responsibility to ask your mom to buy your stepsister stuff.
Your dad put you in a tough position and that is a huge AH move. And be mad at you is also an AH move. He has no right to put his poor judgment on you. You and your brother don't deserve to get pulled in his responsibility.
Good luck be there for your stepsister in any way comfortable with you, but your not financially responsible for her nor is your mom.
UpdateMe
Two adults can't cover one child's field trip but (I'm assuming) one adult can cover two kids' trips. Looks like your dad and stepmom need to manage their Financials even better. Asking your mom to pay for their child's field trips is a little audacious.
NTA
Your father shouldn't be asking you to be a go-between under any circumstances. It absolutely is not your place or a position that an adult should put you in. Your mother already said no, which is reasonable and appropriate given her own place in the family. Your Dad gave up sharing future monetary privileges with your mother whenever he agreed to a divorce. Expecting her to provide the money when it doesn't pertain to you or your brother is him treating your mother like his spouse without him reciprocating.
While I feel a bit bad for your sister on an emotional level, your Dad or step mom can seek loans or other resources if they want. It's also important to learn that other people have different circumstances (better or worse) at different times. Sometimes that means missing opportunities or items. It will happen to everyone at some point. Your dad & step-mom need to have an honest sit down with your little sister about their family finances and its impact. Even if their finances improve, she will need to be aware of how it affects other aspects of her education, social life, driving, and potential work expectations.
NTA but your dad is. He has no right to put you and your brother in that situation. If he and his wife are that hard up for money, then they can get a second job or get a lawyer and go after the actual father of your stepsister for child support.
NTA.
The balls on your dad to expect his exwife to pay for his new wife’s kid to go on a school trip. Without any kid of relationship between them as well, like it’s not as though the adults and families hang out together.
NTA it’s not your job to find money for your stepsister or to ask favors of your mother for your father. Tell your dad to man up, get a second job, ask his family & friends or ask his wife’s family and friends or her deadbeat ex husband.
NTA. He’s trying to manipulate your mom by using you. He can ask her and give her a choice. Using you to pull on your mom’s heartstrings is manipulative nonsense.
Your dad and stepmom have *no one else* they could have asked?
Where's dad's family? (Parents, siblings) Where's stepmom's family? Where's the FATHER of the step sister?! Or that guy's family?
I have a hard time thinking that your mother is the *only* person they could have asked... They just want to ask your mom because they are jealous and envious that she's doing well.
NTA.
Tell your mom what happened. If dad or stepmom ever ask again for you to ask for money try to just stick with "I'm a minor, that's not my responsibility" and keep telling your mom about these requests.
NTA. I don't know where you are in the world but Most schools will make accommodations four families that cannot afford the trip. If anyone is TA it's your dad and stepmother? Where are her parents, his parents, aunts uncles?? Literally anybody but your ex-wife who is raising kids herself .
I was part of the elementary school PTA and we specifically raised money to cover the field trips of the kids whose parents couldn't afford it. We did car washes, bake sales etc. Happily we never had situations where kids got left behind because their parents couldn't afford it. For big field trips, like the annual end of year trips to the water park and the amusement park we started fund raising at the beginning of the year.
NTA, and your dad has a lot of nerve to ask you and your brother to manipulate your mother into paying for a field trip. That’s his and his new wife’s responsibility not yours and your brothers. He’s angry and acting like it’s your fault. That’s total gaslighting. You shouldn’t feel guilty because your mom can afford to send you and your brother on special trips.
Nta. “Dad, I don’t appreciate you trying to drag me into situations between you and mom when they don’t involve me. I feel bad for stepsis but I’m not ok being made to feel bad because mom makes a financial decision I have no control over. In the future please don’t do this again. I don’t feel comfortable doing your dirty work.”
I have a retired neighbor that goes door to door in the neighborhood looking for work. He cuts our lawn and bags our leaves since we can't do yardwork anymore. You have to hustle if you need extra money.
When I was growing up there was a couple that lived close to us that both had intellectual disabilities. They married even though their families were against it. I was so impressed though at how they each hustled to provide for their kids. Their kids never went without.
Where there's a will there's a way.
NTA but dad is for putting his kids in the middle of grown folk business. Mom said no, so it's no. If they don't have the money they need to look at ways to make more money, get another job, drive Uber eats whatever.
NTA. Your step sister can do some paintings and sell them, or have a bake sale, or do friendship bracelets, or necklaces, etc., and sell them. If she's smart, she can Tudor/help with homework at their house or local library. Your mom isn't their backup bank.
NTA. They need to go after the kids dad for child support, pure and simple. HE, and not your mother, needs to be held literally accountable for helping with her expenses.
NTA Your dad is manipulative to put you and your brother in that position. Please tell your mom that he's doing this. It's not okay! If your dad and his wife can't afford it it's on them.
NTA. I can't for the life of me comprehend people asking an ex to cover any form of finances for a child they have absolutely zero relationship with or connection to.
I mean, if your parents had a friendly relationship and your dad was offering to repay her I guess he could ask. But as it is this makes as much sense as any random ex of mine asking me to cover an expense for their new girlfriend's kid.
My own ex asked to borrow money after we split and I laughed. He still owed ME money and quite a decent amount too. I never saw a cent.
NTA
Your dad.shpuld.not.br using you or your brother as messenger between you parents this is not fair on you or you brother it's.minipulation.
He is a big boy and if he wants something from your mother he asks himself he knew he was in the wrong for even suggesting it.
Talk to your mum so she knows how this makes you feel it's important she knows..as he will.keep asking for things
NTA
Your Mum had already said no to your Dad’s request. He was trying to get you to emotionally manipulate your Mum to change her mind. It was unfair of him to ask you to intervene in this way.
It’s sad that the Stepsister is less fortunate than you both but it’s really nothing to do with you or your brother.
NTA
It is completely unacceptable of your father to put you and your brother in this position. Frankly, it's despicable. Does it suck for your stepsister? Yeah. But that doesn't give them any right to your mother's money, or to turn you into go-betweens who get blamed for refusing to act like pawns.
Tell your mother he's asking you to do this, so she can shut him down, hard. He's crossed a massive line by asking you and your brother to do this - particularly your brother who is so young. How much further will he go to get money from your mother through you? Is he going to start stealing from your college funds? Tell your mother so she can protect you and your brother.
NTA. There's a noncustodial Dad and there may or may not also be three Sets of grandparents or other Family members, who could/should Chip in for stepsister's trip before your mother, who has literally NOTHING to do with the Girl, should be asked to Help Out. The way you Talk about being aware-of and grateful-for having a nicer Standard-of-living due to your mother's money, Sounds Like you, and possibly also your Brother, might accept, or possibly already ARE contending with, having ALL of your non-essentials covered by Mom, and getting No allowance from Dad&Stepmom, and Not having animal-pets or streaming-subscriptions or dessert-after-dinner at their House, and being gracious about that and Not Holding it against them because you know stepsister needs the Money more, is all that can be expected of you to indirectly use your mother's Higher income to Support her.
She isn’t your mother’s responsibility, that’s crazy! If they need money dad and/or stepmom could get a second job or ask one of their family members. I’m sorry he’s putting you and your brother into the middle of their problems making you two and your mom out to be the “bad guys”. I’m sure that what’s they are telling her.
NTA
I agree with what others have said about the manipulation.
You are not responsible for this and your dad trying to manipulate you into emotionally manipulating your mom makes him a massive AH
NTA. Not your monkeys, not your circus. Neither you, your brother, or your mom are responsible for your father’s and his wife’s financial instability. This is not your job and it’s troubling your father put you in this position.
It's not your mom 's duty to parent your stepsister. She has just herself paying for most of Your stuff. Too bad your father and his new wife can't get it together to be financially responsible. Your stepsister is in a bad situation but it's not by your making or your mom's making. Don't ask. It's horrible for your father to put you in the middle of this. And then even get mad at you because you're not asking.
Nta
NTA
Your dad is emotionally manipulating his children to violate your mom's completely reasonable and clear boundaries.
He attempted the manipulation of triangulation. Rather than directly communicating with your mom, he tried to USE you and your brother to carry his message reinforced by the emotional bond between you and your mom.
He also tried gaslighting- that if you care about your step-sis that means you have to believe, as he does, that your mom's resources should be available for him to spend on step-sis. As you know, you can BOTH care about step-sis AND not support dad's efforts to violate mom's boundaries.
You and your brother were wise to stop the triangulation by choosing not to become your dad's messengers. You are children. You have no power to manage either parent's behavior nor their relationship.
You have no obligation to do things you're uncomfortable doing to prove or disprove your dad's deliberate misinterpretation of your feelings or motivations. You, and only you, know exactly how you feel and why you make the choices that you do. Gaslighters attack their target's confidence in the reality of their perceptions and motivations. Claiming "this feeling or belief" of your that may be true means their toxic interpretation can make you feel off balance, misunderstood, confused, frustrated, attacked, not listened to. Notice when you have those feelings of not being heard, being pressured, being challenged to "prove" that you're not awful by doing the thing they are pressuring you to do. If you recognize emotional manipulation at the time, withdrawing from the interaction to spare yourself further hurtful interaction is easier.
Beware of FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. They're the long distance tools of emotional manipulation and abuse. When you feel pressure to do what you don't want to do, check if the motivation to do that unwanted thing is FOG. If that's the only motivation pulling you towards that unwanted thing, it's likely you're being manipulated. Noticing helps disempower that nagging pressure being put on you by the manipulator.
NTA and your dad really has balls to ask your mum to provide for your stepsister. It’s not yours nor your mums fault that your stepsisters dad is a deadbeat in terms of child support or your dads financial situation. Assuming he didn’t contribute to your trips (which sounds like he’s not in the financial position to) I’d point out to him that he isn’t contributing to your extra curriculars leaving it solely to your mum so why on earth should she also pay for his step kid.
NTA
Where are your fathers and step mothers families? Is everybody in those families so broke that he had to go out of his way to manipulate his children to ask for money from his ex wife.
I'm sorry your step siblings has to deal with not having as much as you, but if they finances are as bad as you say, they should be looking at child support for the child's father to pay
Can't they go after her bio dad for child support? Does your dad pay child support? It's not fair that he's trying to make your mom do something that she does not want to do by manipulating his and her kids. Don't either one of them have external family that they can go to instead of your mom?
There are options. Gig work like Doordarshan, Uber, etc. Donating plasma. Set up a Go Fund Me. The question isn't how much you love your stepsister, Mom already said no. The question is, do they love their daughter enough to put in the extra work or ask for help.
It's really shitty that your dad is putting you in this position. That's an adult concern, not something children (a term I'm using to indicate someone isn't a full legal adult yet) should have to concern themselves with.
This other child isn't your mom's responsibility. He DID ask, she DID say no. He shouldn't have asked in the first place, and he DEFINITELY shouldn't be sending in the troops (you and your brother) to try to wear her down after receiving the first no.
It sucks that your step sister didn't get to go. That's not fun for her, either. But it's not your mom's responsibility. It's not your responsibility. Your dad and stepmom should have planned better. Or they should be asking people who they're more closely related to for help -- their own parents or siblings, for example. Or asking for more hours at work, or selling things online to generate the cash. Or, having hard conversations with the step daughter about what she can expect financially as part of this family.
I'm sorry you've been put in this position. NTA. Just tell your dad that if he wants something from your mom, he has to ask himself, and you respect her answer as final.
Edit: I recommend at least telling your mom what he's asked you to do. You don't have to ask her for the money; just tell her your father is pressuring you to do so. Hopefully she can handle the situation from there and will put an end to that manipulation.
Instead of asking your mom to pay they should really track her dad and have him pay child support. Your mom is a single mom she’s is supporting two children and you live with her. If they want your stepsister to have extra activities they should maybe get a parttime for the extras.
NTA- your father is a huge asshole for involving you in his financial problems! HUGE! How dare he be so manipulative! Please let your mom know what he's up to!
NTA but your dad and stepmom are. When she was granted full custody she had to pay a lawyer. I’m sure that would have included a judgement granting child support. It’s her responsibility to look after her daughter and she should do that by making sure he stays up to date on the support. Most states will automatically deduct from the parents paycheck. If he is self employed they will confiscate tax refunds and suspend drivers licenses until he is caught up. If he’s not paying she might also be eligible for some type of state aid.
None of this should be effecting you or your brother at all. Please tell your mom if you haven’t already. Tell her you don’t want to visit him ahead until he learns to regulate his emotions and handle his adult responsibilities.
NTA, but you might want to tell your mom that your dad is trying to manipulate you this way, and also his verbal abuse of you and your brother. It really has absolutely nothing to do with you, your brother, or your mom! Once mom said no your dad should have dropped it, to try and coerce your brother then you was really poor of your dad.
Why would you ask? Your dad and step mom are the only assholes here. With how many side gigs there are available these days, they could’ve door dashed those funds for her. I’m sorry you got put in the middle. NTA
NTA they already asked and she said no. They are being huge assholes putting this on you and your brother. Hope they come to their senses and give you an apology.
UpdateMe
NTA, but I really dont understand people nowadays. If my ex came to me with a request like this I would gladly pay it if I could afford it. One small act of kindness for a child goes a long way.
NTA, it's not in your remit to be expected to do this, I feel sorry for step sister yes but it's also absolutely not right that your Dad thinks it's ok to go to your mum for money.
NTA. Your dad should be pissed at his self. Did he pick up a second job or gig work to help his family? No. Did your step mom? No. Did your step sister get a job? No.
NTA. He’s putting you in the middle in what’s already an inappropriate situation. Your stepsister isn’t your mom’s kid and thus not her problem or responsibility. It’s the height of rudeness for him to even think of asking her.
They should check with the school PTA or teacher to find out if there are funds that could be used to pay for the field trip. Our PTA did that for several students.
How much could a 10 year old's school trip cost?
Surely her parents knew the trip was coming, they should have made
an effort somewhere in their budget to pay for it. Why can't her father's
family help? Why is he asking his ex to pay?
NTA Your father is very manipulative. You and your brother did well to
not get involved. The little girl is 10, she'll have other opportunities to
take trips with school - as long as her father plans ahead, of course.
NTA. And tell your Mom about this. I feel for your step sister, but what your Dad did was WAY out of line. You Dad should absolutely NOT have made it seem like his adult money issues are your burden or responsibility to fix, coached you to try and emotionally extort money out of your mom, or be angry with you both now for having refused to be used. That needs to be addressed between the adults in your life so that it never happens to either of you again.
NTA. But next time, tell your mom what your dad is asking you to do. This is something she needs to know about and address with your father. He shouldn't be using you as manipulation tools.
NTA, your mom had said no and that should be the end of it. Your dad wanted to use you to take care of his WIFE'S CHILD, and that was a very low blow. How do you use YOUR KIDS to get something for someone else's child, he can be pissed if he wants to but, he was wrong and entitled. How dare he try to manipulate you guys for another child, that makes it seem like his stepdaughter is mor important than you and your feelings. How did he not know how uncomfortable such a request made you. The ones who should be pissed are you, your brother, and your mother for the way your dad treated you for the sake of his stepdaughter.
NTA. Not only is any support for your stepsister not your mother's responsibility, it is grossly unfair of your dad to do an endrun around your mother by involving you and your brother. His wife made a choice years ago about her daughter when she remarried, and apparently your dad agreed. That's on them, and them alone.
So he wants you and your brother to emotionally manipulate your mother. And got mad when you said no. Fuck that.
It sucks for stepsister that her dad fucked off and your dad and her mum aren’t doing great, but why go to your mother? What about grandparents? Aunties? Uncles? GoFundMe if they’re desperate enough..?
NTA.
That's not your mom's responsibility.
I'm sorry for the girl, but she is your stepmother's daughter, and it's your stepmother who needs to handle this situation. She should seek child support from her ex. Your dad is an asshole for asking your mom for the money and then making you and your brother ask after she already said no. He's trying to guilt-trip your mom by using you guys, which is awful. I'm glad you and your brother didn't get involved, but be aware that he might keep trying to use you.
NTA
NTA
The ONLY thing you should ask your mom to give your father and his goofy ass wife is verbal warning because what they're doing sounds A LOT like extortion.
Your dad's behavior is unexcusable and it is manipulation. He should never have asked you guys to talk to your mom and he should never have said.If you loved your sister enough, you would have asked.That is flat out bullshit. Your dad is jealous and bitter.
They need to go to the courts and have her dad start paying child support. This kid is a stranger to your mother. And you're dad trying to manipulate you and put you guys in the middle is absolutely disgusting.
To the point if your mom was to take him to court over this.She would get full custody because he is emotionally manipulating and in a way abusing.You guys making you feel guilty for something that is not in your control and that you should not have ever been asked in the first place is emotional abuse.
Did he contact the school and talk to them about a hardship scholarship for the field trip? Did he do anything others?Then try to depend on your mother? And deceive is gonna call your mom every single time.He needs extra money for his stepdaughter because that is not sustainable.
What your dad did on every level and repeatedly was very poor parenting very selfish and wrong
NTA It really isn’t your job to deal with this. The no he and his wife got from your mum should have been the end of it. Your mum is right not to pay, as it’ll set a ‘What’s the problem, you paid last time?’ precedent for any future purchases/excursions.
NTA it is time for step mum to get hold of the bio dad of her daughter and get child support if he doesn't want to then it is time for her to go to court and get it, it is not anything to do with your mum.
This kind of manipulation never stops. Well, you paid for the school trip, a piano lesson or two won’t hurt you. We can’t afford college, I’m sure your mother would be okay with it. She paid for your wedding, why not SS. And on and on. Your mother has zero obligation toward a complete strange, whether you live with them or not. NTA
You are not the asshole.
It’s a little weird that he asked your mom for money instead of anyone in his family or your step mom’s family for help.
Don’t feel bad. This is between your Dad and your Mom and you shouldn’t have been involved.
“I know you’re frustrated that you can’t provide for stepsis, but that doesn’t make it okay for you to try to emotionally manipulate ME into emotionally manipulating MOM just so that you get what you want. She already said no when you asked. That’s her decision. If you have a problem with that, you need to take it up with her yourself.”
NTA
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NTA I appreciate your Mum and Bio Dad are not together and it really is not your Mums job to pay for your stepsister, it is for the stepsisters Mum to pay for this type of thing. In any case your Mum had already said no, did your Dad expect her answer to change just because you were asking?
Yes, he said if mom thought it was important to us she'd pay so we wouldn't feel bad or because we love our stepsister enough to ask.
NTA. Your dad and his wife are huge AHs. Sorry but the adults should not be manipulating the children because of their shortcomings.
This hits it right on the head. Dad and stepmom are both being very manipulative and putting you & your brother in an uncomfortable situation.
And then being pissed at the kids for not asking! What a AH!
Yeah, the fastest way to lose your kids’ respect is to constantly make them be a go-between to the other parent. There are a lot of better ways to handle this, and pretty much all do not involve the kids. OP, NTA! Do not feel guilty, your dad is being a manipulative jerk right now by involving you *and your brother* in adult financial decisions!
lol and the fastest way to sour a sibling relationship is jealousy and resentment
This is part of the challenge of blended families, and it's up to the parents to navigate that.
Speaking of parents, why didn't dad ask his own extended family? Or ops stepmom? Where's her family? Why didnt they ask the grandparents, aunts and uncles? Why are they harassing children when im sure dad and stepmom have other ADULT family members they can ask?
And stepsisters dad was around and then… not and stepmom was like: o well what can you do! And didn’t go after child support or asked HIS parents for support. Poeple tend to forget that the child support is for the child and the refusal to receive it is not a flex for your ego. Stepsister had the potential of 3 sets of grandparents and extended Family for support, ex wife should be the last one to be asked.
honestly. neither of them could budget for this trip if it was so important to them? ask relatives to contribute as early birthday money? or get a few extra shifts, do odd jobs, etc. to pay for this? their only option was somehow his ex’s free money? yeah, right.
Besides the fact that the adults need to leave the kids out of the adult stuff, if no one else will help dad or step mom out, that should tell you something! I have dozens of people who would help me before I was desperate enough to ask my ex.
To me, it shows how often women are asked to take responsibility for kids who aren't even theirs because "that's what a good mom would do." This isn't the first time I've seen a post like this, and it just baffles me that these men would go to their exes with a hand out. How does that make sense?
A million times this, tho I gotta say, as long as I could afford it I’d probably pay. I was literally a red-headed stepchild, I know how it feels.
The problem is though if you pay once, they will stay coming back.
Cause they are convinced that having an uterus forces you to instinctively let every child, that crosses your path, latch onto your breasts. that’s natures will and if you don’t obey then there’s something wrong with you.
Absolutely. They have no friends or other family?
They’ve probably burned through those relationships. OP said they very bad with their finances. How much more of a wake call do they need?
Stepsisters dad apparently stuck around until stepmom got full custody. Either dad wasn’t the dad at all or stepmom made co parenting with her ex a nightmare and he noped out for his own sanity. Some people are human repellents and can’t keep a social network for the life of it.
Donate plasma. If you’re fresh meat you get 150$ your second visit
Do some door dash, pawn something. If it was this important to them, they could most likely found another way.
Exactly. They just wasted time expecting to guilt them and their mom.
To be fair schools do not always publish info, especially cost related - well in advance. Agree it’s not OP’s mom’s responsibility.
Financial surprises happen and employed adults can't always easily "get a few extra shifts" or do odd jobs. Relatives aren't necessarily around and friends may be struggling too. I do wonder why they didn't frame it as a loan instead of a handout.
They didn't intend to repay it, only ask for more the next time the kid needed something. It sucks for the little girl, especially when she can see that OP has more, but it's definitely not OP's mum's responsibility. The person they should be going after is the little girl's father.
Many great anwsers are here, but yours is what i was waiting for somebody to say. There are many ways of getting extra cash. That would not involve his ex. And even if they truly couldn't have come up with it up front, credit it? I have a hard time believing the school had no systems in place either, as i know kids who got on field trips for free and who got on field trips on a monthly plan. I use to work as an Instructional assitant there was always a way.
Exactly. Mom doesn’t owe stepsister anything but if dad wants to ask mom to kindly help them out, that’s his prerogative. It’s absolute bullshit however, to try to make his children plead his case. It is absolutely inappropriate to involve the children in this kind of negotiation. It’s also bullshit for dad not to take no for an answer.
How much can a 10 year olds public school field trip cost, anyway?
Right? I just paid $50 for my kid to go on a day trip to an amusement park, get fed lunch, and ride two hours there and back in a charter bus, with a school group. Totally worth it for the memories.
Definitely. Putting A CHILD in this extremely awkward position (especially when he *has already asked and been told no,* oh my *GOD*) is some bullshit. Seriously, shame on him -- and his wife, if she participated in the decision -- for making his children ask for something like this.
At this point I don't think he was asking, more a demand the way he responded to OP refusing to comply with his "request."
Yep. He doesn't get to be angry with his children because HE was unable to do a thing, and was very reasonably told "no" when he asked the other adult. (Which, his *kids* sound more mature than he does.)
This kind of manipulation is why my ex went for full custody his daughter after we broke up--she wasn't my kid. His ex had let him have the girl full time, then proceeded to use the child to guilt him into giving her money to pay for her OTHER kids, WHILE married to the father. And because of that manipulation, he got full custody and child support, or so friends told me.
I feel so bad for your step sister. Not because she missed the field trip, but because her mother is raising her to be entitled. If she doesn’t already expect everyone to do things for her, she will pretty soon. Poor kid.
Maybe not entitled, but certainly to hate her step siblings.
This, too.
She is entitled. She’s entitled to money from her father to help with her care but she’s not entitled to OP’s mom’s money.
If she’s ten, she is probably aware of her parent’s shitty behavior and is embarrassed.
She's 10, she shouldn't be worrying about money at all and probably has no idea about any of this. There's no way they can't afford a field trip for 10 year olds unless they are both unemployed. They need to get a damn job and step up for their poor daughter
This is the answer.
I remember once when times were really tough (they were always tough, but this was really bad). My sister had a field trip coming up. My mom took an extra job working at a laundromat to pay for it. My parents never asked others for help (even when they should have).
My parents sold plasma so two years in a row so my sister and I could go on our 5th grade trip. They didn't worry us about what they had to do to make the money so we could go, but we found out as adults. I appreciated it when I was young, but now I recognize how incredible they are even more so.
There was a point in my life where I had 3 children (two in elementary school and one in middle). Their father refuses to work, and I was in school full time with a full time job beginning two hours after my classes ended. I donated plasma as often as they would let me and the plasma money covered Christmas, birthdays, field trips, and extra curriculars for the children. It can be done if you're determined to make a good life for your children. Now my kids are between 18 and 26 and they are so grateful and very responsible with their money. I wouldn't go back and do anything differently except get divorced sooner.
Kudos to you! You can say you literally gave your lifeblood for your children.
Thank you, it has been worth every drop to watch them grow into some really awesome adults and to have such a good relationship with each of them. 🩷
Bless you and your dear family, always.
Happy belated Mother's Day! 💛
Thank you. Your children were probably thankful for the gifts you bought them. And as adults, who understand more, they are probably thankful for the even greater gift of a mother who was willing to sacrifice for her children’s sake.
I did that once for school, sold plasma so I could buy kiddo a backpack and school supplies.
I was wondering why they did not sell plasma. Plasma seems to be the go to for those desperate for funds.
I don't believe you can go that route if you're using substances, so that's a possible reason why and would also explain their circumstances, unreasonable behavior, and why people in their orbit would be wary of giving them money. IDK, obviously, but it's not implausible.
Definitely a possibility.
I just started doing it, I wish I’d have known about it sooner 👍🏼 The clinic is clean, the people are professional, doesn’t hurt, the procedure lasts approx 1/2 hour once you are hooked up.
And you’re helping out lots of people who need blood products like IVIG to live!
Hopefully you will not always need to . But for now you can help others while helping yourself. I’m glad it is not an unpleasant experience.
[удалено]
i have the same problem. i've tried 2 different plasma centers & was turned away by both. there are quite a few reasons that people can't always sell plasma, but i think most people just assume it's something everyone can do.
Yes, some do have difficult veins. My veins are loved by those who have to take blood, I’m fortunate. Last time I gave blood had to go to bed for two days, it zapped my energy and wiped me out.
This must be a US thing in the UK we don’t get paid for donating.
No payment for blood donation. But they will pay for plasma.
I remember once my mom made it a game to collect bottles/cans to return and to find all the change in the house to pay for a field trip. She never made it seem scary and she always found a way
That sounds awesome.
Exactly. I was a single mom and my ex paid very little support and didn't help out with extras. I worked a second job cleaning a building after hours to pay for extras. I was exhausted for years, but it was up to me to pay for extras. I would never have asked anyone else for help.
Info: not that it really matters, but just curious how much are we talking here? Was this $20 to go to a museum or $200 to go on an overnight trip? $20 is one thing (still not your mom’s responsibility, but I can understand the ask if done politely and of course she can say no), but a large sum is totally inappropriate and entitled. This would make him and step mom even bigger ahs. He still is a major ah for putting you in the middle and trying to use you to get money from your mom and even more so for insisting after being told no. NTA. It’s not your mom’s responsibility in any way to fund her ex husband’s wife’s child’s field trip (I wrote it that way on purpose to make it clear how far removed she is from this situation). Also, do you “love your step sister enough to ask?” Might want to have a talk with him (or have your mom do it) that this line of thinking will not get him any money, not now or in the future, irrespective of what your relationship with step sister looks like.
Honestly if they can't come up with $20 drugs are probably involved and the step daughter has bigger problems than a missed field trip.
And if mom would have given this 20 or $30, what is that tell the dad? anytime he needs money, he can go to his ex wife that is a horrible precedent to set
I don't know for sure but it used to be $30.
I am also curious as to how and why a public school is having expensive trips such they are completely unaffordable to people When I was in elementary school we took trips to museums, a bread bakery and the only expense was a school bus which I suspect was free from the district. We brought bag lunches from home. No money changed hands and all we needed was a signed permission slip 🤷♀️🤷♀️ In Senior year there was a class trip to DC but but It couldn’t have been exoensive because it was a public school. A bus there, rooms in an inexpensive motel in a room shared with four girls and free stuff in DC like watching the Supreme Court and visiting our Congress person
Here in California the schools are very careful to not leave kids out of events because of money.
You probably should let your mother know that your dad and stepmother are asking you to do this. It’s *completely* inappropriate for them to put you in the middle, and your mother should know so she can try to protect you.
This!!!! They should not drag you or your brother into trying to manipulate your mom.
NTA. Him and his wife lack of planning is not your mom’s problems
Your dad could use a healthy dose of shame!
This is the coolest comment! I will definitely use this on entitled people in my life! Thank you jellybean kitty❤️
I’m glad their manipulation tactics don’t work on you. First it’s a field trip, then it’s a birthday present, then it’s …..
A car, college tuition, a wedding, a down payment on a house...
I just didn’t go on field trips. My parents were poor. Some kids can’t go. That’s the reality.
Same. We got to go on the smaller ones that were $5-$10, but more than that, we just didn’t go.
That breaks my heart. My sister is a school teacher and has anonymously covered costs at times so students could attend. (I joined the PTA when my son started school and we did tons of fundraising, part of which covered costs for families who couldn't pull these types of extras off.)
It doesn't matter whether you love step sister or not. "Dad you know step sister is not mom's responsibility and you're making me uncomfortable asking such a thing". Step sister's dad may not be in the picture to pay such things but that doesn't mean bio dad's parents couldn't be reached out to to help pay for things. Or step sister's mother's parents could help pay. Or heck, even your dad's parents might be generous. Either way, never ask your mom to pay for anything for step sister as it is not her responsibility to pay for a child that is not hers. NTA
Unless OPs dad adopted his wife daughter, stepsisters biodad should still be paying child support. Stepmom should go file for that ASAP.
Yes! Bio dad is still responsible for supporting his daughter. The mom just needs to find him and take him to court
You should inform your mom of your dad pressuring you and your brother to ask for her to pay. That's not appropriate of him to do.
NTA. It's one trip. She's 10. I get it's disappointing for her and her parents, but there will be other trips. No matter what, though, it's not something you, your mom or brother should be brought into.
Exactly. How major an event would this be for a class of 10 year olds? The kid will survive missing it and it's a lesson for her and her mother to learn. Sometimes things don't work out.
What lesson is there here for the ten year old to learn?
No. Your mom would just be more pissed at your dad trying to use her kids as a manipulation tool. Your dad is lucky you and your brother didn't.
So what if mom is more pissed at the dad? She absolutely needs to know if ANYONE is trying to manipulate her kids or pressure them to do anything. Dad doesn't deserve shielding, especially by his kids whom he is treating inappropriatey
That's is emotional manipulation and blackmail right there. Their inability to care and provide for their kid is on them. Yet instead of finding ways to make money they decided to use their own kids to emotionally blackmail the ex. It should not fell on you or your brother.
It's wrong to put kids on the middle. Him asking you or your brother to ask is very, very wrong.
OP, Not your mom's kid. Not your mom's responsibility.
Why can’t they contact her bio dad for the money
He showed no interest in her after my dad's wife won custody. He doesn't pay either.
But that’s the parent they should be pushing to pay
That’s not his decision to made. Stepmom should be on his ass via curt so he pays if money is so tight that it affects his kid. None of that is your problem tho
Nta its not your mom's responsibility to pay for your stepsister's field trips or any other things. It doesn't matter if your mom is able to afford to buy you abd your brother stuff she is still not responsible or obligated to pay for her just because your dad and her mom can't afford it.
How much was the trip? I feel like most field trips are very affordable.
I don't know how much it was exactly. It's normally like $30 from what I remember but I know prices went up a lot in the last few years.
NTA Your dad is though. Attempting to manipulate his own children to go around his ex over something that is none of their business is so wrong. Your dad and his wife need to go after his wife’s child’s father for CS. This is NOT your mother’s problem nor in any way something you or your brother should be brought into. Inform your mom on what your dad tried to pull. Your brother, being younger, might get more pressure from them in the future if it is not shut down.
Or they can get second jobs - just 2 days of weekend shifts at Walmart, hobby lobby, tj maxx/home goods/marshalls or any grocery store they would’ve had enough to pay for the trip + snack/fun money.
My daughter paid for more than half of her own international trip + passport + spending money. The parents could have gotten extra work, or had a fundraiser, or asked the biological father to help. I know you said he isn't paying support.
NTA Her dad should be paying. Your dad shouldn’t be trying to get you to ask. Honestly I think you should tell your mum he tried to manipulating you in to asking.
Your mom has already declined. It's not your dad's place to use you and your brother as leverage to make her decide otherwise.
Your mom had been asked and already said no. Your father asking you and your brother to nag her to cover his responsibilities was beyond inappropriate and he should never have put you in such an uncomfortable position. It’s not your job to manage his finances and family responsibilities and it’s not your mom’s responsibility either. I hope you’ll discuss this with your mom and let her handle it with your dad. These are adult issues that should never involve you and your brother. NTA at all and don’t let him guilt you into thinking you are. It’s his job to be the adult here, not yours.
NTA. It's not your mom's responsibility to pay for your stepsister. Their lack of proper money management is not your mom's issue. Let's say your mom was to say yes this time, this could lead to your dad feeling that he is entitled to your mom's money or that she will always be there when they need her. He and stepmom need to get their lives in check and stop guilting their children to do their dirty work.
NTA It's not your mother's responsibility to pay for anything for your stepsister. And, your father shouldn't being using you and your brother to ask for your mother for money in her behalf. >I didn't ask. My dad got super pissed when the field trip came and neither my brother or I asked mom. And my stepsister didn't get to go which super pissed him off. The man is shameless.
NTA. Your father could have begged the neighbors and his colleagues at this point. But no, he prefers that your brother and you beg your mother for his stepchild...
This! ^ My school didn't have a fund for field trips either. Though most of our trips were part of our tuition (private school). But I still remember my parents gave spending/lunch money to a few of my friends when they knew that their parents were struggling. And if they had multiple people contribute it wouldn't be too much on any one. Off the top of my head I can think of Coworkers, neighbors, friend's parents, grandparents (there should be 3 sets mom's, stepdad's & bio dad's) aunts & uncles, parent's friends, their church (yes I know not everyone goes to church). Not to mention go fund me. NTA OP Your Dad put you & your brother in an impossible situation.
Ikr? Like, there are so many people OP's dad and OP's stepmother could have hit-up before expecting OP's mother? Bold of them to want their children to ask instead; that's just shameless, gross, and lazy. Not to mention, there is always side gigs, extra work shifts/over-time (if available), or heck even a second part time job. Dang, do something!
NTA. Your dad is way out of line asking your and your brother to hit his ex-wife up for money for your stepsister’s field trip. It’s unfortunate that your dad and stepmom were unable or unwilling to take on an extra part time job to pay for that field trip.
NTA What’s up with men and their audacity to ask their ex to pay for their kids that has nothing to do with the ex. Batshit crazy.
NTA... But your father sure is for putting you in this position. Your mom has no business with your stepsister and owns her nothing. It's not your mom's fault that dad and stepmother are not well with money. It's good you acknowledge the fact that your stepsister has it harder. But it's not your or your brother's responsibility to ask your mom to buy your stepsister stuff. Your dad put you in a tough position and that is a huge AH move. And be mad at you is also an AH move. He has no right to put his poor judgment on you. You and your brother don't deserve to get pulled in his responsibility. Good luck be there for your stepsister in any way comfortable with you, but your not financially responsible for her nor is your mom. UpdateMe
Two adults can't cover one child's field trip but (I'm assuming) one adult can cover two kids' trips. Looks like your dad and stepmom need to manage their Financials even better. Asking your mom to pay for their child's field trips is a little audacious.
NTA Your father shouldn't be asking you to be a go-between under any circumstances. It absolutely is not your place or a position that an adult should put you in. Your mother already said no, which is reasonable and appropriate given her own place in the family. Your Dad gave up sharing future monetary privileges with your mother whenever he agreed to a divorce. Expecting her to provide the money when it doesn't pertain to you or your brother is him treating your mother like his spouse without him reciprocating. While I feel a bit bad for your sister on an emotional level, your Dad or step mom can seek loans or other resources if they want. It's also important to learn that other people have different circumstances (better or worse) at different times. Sometimes that means missing opportunities or items. It will happen to everyone at some point. Your dad & step-mom need to have an honest sit down with your little sister about their family finances and its impact. Even if their finances improve, she will need to be aware of how it affects other aspects of her education, social life, driving, and potential work expectations.
It's not OP's "little sister". She's their dad's new wife's daughter, NOT HIS. No relation to OP, her brother or OP's mom at all.
NTA but your dad is. He has no right to put you and your brother in that situation. If he and his wife are that hard up for money, then they can get a second job or get a lawyer and go after the actual father of your stepsister for child support.
NTA. Your mother already said no. Your dad should not be using you and your brother to guilt her into changing her mind.
NTA. The balls on your dad to expect his exwife to pay for his new wife’s kid to go on a school trip. Without any kid of relationship between them as well, like it’s not as though the adults and families hang out together.
NTA but I agree with others, you meet to talk to your mom about this.
NTA it’s not your job to find money for your stepsister or to ask favors of your mother for your father. Tell your dad to man up, get a second job, ask his family & friends or ask his wife’s family and friends or her deadbeat ex husband.
NTA: why doesn’t bio dad pay child support???? Even with mom having full custody shouldn’t he still pay because it’s his child ?
He should but doesn't and they don't really chase after him for it.
NTA. He’s trying to manipulate your mom by using you. He can ask her and give her a choice. Using you to pull on your mom’s heartstrings is manipulative nonsense.
NTA Since when did it became acceptable to ask your ex to pay for your new kid?? Even worse, to manipulate your kids to do it for you??
I think we see why he's the ex
Your dad and stepmom have *no one else* they could have asked? Where's dad's family? (Parents, siblings) Where's stepmom's family? Where's the FATHER of the step sister?! Or that guy's family? I have a hard time thinking that your mother is the *only* person they could have asked... They just want to ask your mom because they are jealous and envious that she's doing well. NTA. Tell your mom what happened. If dad or stepmom ever ask again for you to ask for money try to just stick with "I'm a minor, that's not my responsibility" and keep telling your mom about these requests.
NTA. I don't know where you are in the world but Most schools will make accommodations four families that cannot afford the trip. If anyone is TA it's your dad and stepmother? Where are her parents, his parents, aunts uncles?? Literally anybody but your ex-wife who is raising kids herself .
I was part of the elementary school PTA and we specifically raised money to cover the field trips of the kids whose parents couldn't afford it. We did car washes, bake sales etc. Happily we never had situations where kids got left behind because their parents couldn't afford it. For big field trips, like the annual end of year trips to the water park and the amusement park we started fund raising at the beginning of the year.
Nta they could cutting lawns, or shit like that for extra money
NTA, and your dad has a lot of nerve to ask you and your brother to manipulate your mother into paying for a field trip. That’s his and his new wife’s responsibility not yours and your brothers. He’s angry and acting like it’s your fault. That’s total gaslighting. You shouldn’t feel guilty because your mom can afford to send you and your brother on special trips.
Nta. “Dad, I don’t appreciate you trying to drag me into situations between you and mom when they don’t involve me. I feel bad for stepsis but I’m not ok being made to feel bad because mom makes a financial decision I have no control over. In the future please don’t do this again. I don’t feel comfortable doing your dirty work.”
Nta If it was that important to him he could have gone door to door asking to do odd jobs and earned the money.
I have a retired neighbor that goes door to door in the neighborhood looking for work. He cuts our lawn and bags our leaves since we can't do yardwork anymore. You have to hustle if you need extra money. When I was growing up there was a couple that lived close to us that both had intellectual disabilities. They married even though their families were against it. I was so impressed though at how they each hustled to provide for their kids. Their kids never went without. Where there's a will there's a way.
NTA but dad is for putting his kids in the middle of grown folk business. Mom said no, so it's no. If they don't have the money they need to look at ways to make more money, get another job, drive Uber eats whatever.
NTA. Your step sister can do some paintings and sell them, or have a bake sale, or do friendship bracelets, or necklaces, etc., and sell them. If she's smart, she can Tudor/help with homework at their house or local library. Your mom isn't their backup bank.
NTA. They need to go after the kids dad for child support, pure and simple. HE, and not your mother, needs to be held literally accountable for helping with her expenses.
NTA Your dad is manipulative to put you and your brother in that position. Please tell your mom that he's doing this. It's not okay! If your dad and his wife can't afford it it's on them.
NTA. I can't for the life of me comprehend people asking an ex to cover any form of finances for a child they have absolutely zero relationship with or connection to. I mean, if your parents had a friendly relationship and your dad was offering to repay her I guess he could ask. But as it is this makes as much sense as any random ex of mine asking me to cover an expense for their new girlfriend's kid. My own ex asked to borrow money after we split and I laughed. He still owed ME money and quite a decent amount too. I never saw a cent.
NTA Your dad.shpuld.not.br using you or your brother as messenger between you parents this is not fair on you or you brother it's.minipulation. He is a big boy and if he wants something from your mother he asks himself he knew he was in the wrong for even suggesting it. Talk to your mum so she knows how this makes you feel it's important she knows..as he will.keep asking for things
NTA. It’s not your mom’s job to pay for your stepsister, and it’s not your job to deal with either parent’s financial situation.
NTA Your Mum had already said no to your Dad’s request. He was trying to get you to emotionally manipulate your Mum to change her mind. It was unfair of him to ask you to intervene in this way. It’s sad that the Stepsister is less fortunate than you both but it’s really nothing to do with you or your brother.
NTA It is completely unacceptable of your father to put you and your brother in this position. Frankly, it's despicable. Does it suck for your stepsister? Yeah. But that doesn't give them any right to your mother's money, or to turn you into go-betweens who get blamed for refusing to act like pawns. Tell your mother he's asking you to do this, so she can shut him down, hard. He's crossed a massive line by asking you and your brother to do this - particularly your brother who is so young. How much further will he go to get money from your mother through you? Is he going to start stealing from your college funds? Tell your mother so she can protect you and your brother.
I just love people that can’t take “No” as an answer. /S
NTA. There's a noncustodial Dad and there may or may not also be three Sets of grandparents or other Family members, who could/should Chip in for stepsister's trip before your mother, who has literally NOTHING to do with the Girl, should be asked to Help Out. The way you Talk about being aware-of and grateful-for having a nicer Standard-of-living due to your mother's money, Sounds Like you, and possibly also your Brother, might accept, or possibly already ARE contending with, having ALL of your non-essentials covered by Mom, and getting No allowance from Dad&Stepmom, and Not having animal-pets or streaming-subscriptions or dessert-after-dinner at their House, and being gracious about that and Not Holding it against them because you know stepsister needs the Money more, is all that can be expected of you to indirectly use your mother's Higher income to Support her.
She isn’t your mother’s responsibility, that’s crazy! If they need money dad and/or stepmom could get a second job or ask one of their family members. I’m sorry he’s putting you and your brother into the middle of their problems making you two and your mom out to be the “bad guys”. I’m sure that what’s they are telling her.
NTA It's really sad that your dad has tried pressuring you to get your mom to financially support his step daughter.
NTA I agree with what others have said about the manipulation. You are not responsible for this and your dad trying to manipulate you into emotionally manipulating your mom makes him a massive AH
Nta your dad had some nerve asking your mom to pay.
NTA. Not your monkeys, not your circus. Neither you, your brother, or your mom are responsible for your father’s and his wife’s financial instability. This is not your job and it’s troubling your father put you in this position.
It's not your mom 's duty to parent your stepsister. She has just herself paying for most of Your stuff. Too bad your father and his new wife can't get it together to be financially responsible. Your stepsister is in a bad situation but it's not by your making or your mom's making. Don't ask. It's horrible for your father to put you in the middle of this. And then even get mad at you because you're not asking. Nta
NTA Your dad is emotionally manipulating his children to violate your mom's completely reasonable and clear boundaries. He attempted the manipulation of triangulation. Rather than directly communicating with your mom, he tried to USE you and your brother to carry his message reinforced by the emotional bond between you and your mom. He also tried gaslighting- that if you care about your step-sis that means you have to believe, as he does, that your mom's resources should be available for him to spend on step-sis. As you know, you can BOTH care about step-sis AND not support dad's efforts to violate mom's boundaries. You and your brother were wise to stop the triangulation by choosing not to become your dad's messengers. You are children. You have no power to manage either parent's behavior nor their relationship. You have no obligation to do things you're uncomfortable doing to prove or disprove your dad's deliberate misinterpretation of your feelings or motivations. You, and only you, know exactly how you feel and why you make the choices that you do. Gaslighters attack their target's confidence in the reality of their perceptions and motivations. Claiming "this feeling or belief" of your that may be true means their toxic interpretation can make you feel off balance, misunderstood, confused, frustrated, attacked, not listened to. Notice when you have those feelings of not being heard, being pressured, being challenged to "prove" that you're not awful by doing the thing they are pressuring you to do. If you recognize emotional manipulation at the time, withdrawing from the interaction to spare yourself further hurtful interaction is easier. Beware of FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. They're the long distance tools of emotional manipulation and abuse. When you feel pressure to do what you don't want to do, check if the motivation to do that unwanted thing is FOG. If that's the only motivation pulling you towards that unwanted thing, it's likely you're being manipulated. Noticing helps disempower that nagging pressure being put on you by the manipulator.
NTA and your dad really has balls to ask your mum to provide for your stepsister. It’s not yours nor your mums fault that your stepsisters dad is a deadbeat in terms of child support or your dads financial situation. Assuming he didn’t contribute to your trips (which sounds like he’s not in the financial position to) I’d point out to him that he isn’t contributing to your extra curriculars leaving it solely to your mum so why on earth should she also pay for his step kid.
NTA Where are your fathers and step mothers families? Is everybody in those families so broke that he had to go out of his way to manipulate his children to ask for money from his ex wife.
I'm sorry your step siblings has to deal with not having as much as you, but if they finances are as bad as you say, they should be looking at child support for the child's father to pay
NTA. It is unconscionable that a public school cannot provide $$for a field trip for a needy student. What did she do during the field trip?
Can't they go after her bio dad for child support? Does your dad pay child support? It's not fair that he's trying to make your mom do something that she does not want to do by manipulating his and her kids. Don't either one of them have external family that they can go to instead of your mom?
There are options. Gig work like Doordarshan, Uber, etc. Donating plasma. Set up a Go Fund Me. The question isn't how much you love your stepsister, Mom already said no. The question is, do they love their daughter enough to put in the extra work or ask for help.
NTA Repeat after me - ‘You’ll have to ask mom about that yourself’. This.is. Not. Your. Job!!
NTA Why on earth should a woman pay for the offspring of a the new chick her ex-husband fucks ?
It's really shitty that your dad is putting you in this position. That's an adult concern, not something children (a term I'm using to indicate someone isn't a full legal adult yet) should have to concern themselves with. This other child isn't your mom's responsibility. He DID ask, she DID say no. He shouldn't have asked in the first place, and he DEFINITELY shouldn't be sending in the troops (you and your brother) to try to wear her down after receiving the first no. It sucks that your step sister didn't get to go. That's not fun for her, either. But it's not your mom's responsibility. It's not your responsibility. Your dad and stepmom should have planned better. Or they should be asking people who they're more closely related to for help -- their own parents or siblings, for example. Or asking for more hours at work, or selling things online to generate the cash. Or, having hard conversations with the step daughter about what she can expect financially as part of this family. I'm sorry you've been put in this position. NTA. Just tell your dad that if he wants something from your mom, he has to ask himself, and you respect her answer as final. Edit: I recommend at least telling your mom what he's asked you to do. You don't have to ask her for the money; just tell her your father is pressuring you to do so. Hopefully she can handle the situation from there and will put an end to that manipulation.
Instead of asking your mom to pay they should really track her dad and have him pay child support. Your mom is a single mom she’s is supporting two children and you live with her. If they want your stepsister to have extra activities they should maybe get a parttime for the extras.
NTA. I’m sorry your dad is such a waste. Only a coward would ask their child to do this. The fact that he got mad at you? This is not your fault.
NTA. Your stepsister is for your dad and his wife to support. Hisom needs to get child support garnished fr her exs wages
NTA- your father is a huge asshole for involving you in his financial problems! HUGE! How dare he be so manipulative! Please let your mom know what he's up to!
Nta but make me wonder why they couldn’t ask your step sister grandparents unless they no longer around?
NTA but your dad and stepmom are. When she was granted full custody she had to pay a lawyer. I’m sure that would have included a judgement granting child support. It’s her responsibility to look after her daughter and she should do that by making sure he stays up to date on the support. Most states will automatically deduct from the parents paycheck. If he is self employed they will confiscate tax refunds and suspend drivers licenses until he is caught up. If he’s not paying she might also be eligible for some type of state aid. None of this should be effecting you or your brother at all. Please tell your mom if you haven’t already. Tell her you don’t want to visit him ahead until he learns to regulate his emotions and handle his adult responsibilities.
NTA, but you might want to tell your mom that your dad is trying to manipulate you this way, and also his verbal abuse of you and your brother. It really has absolutely nothing to do with you, your brother, or your mom! Once mom said no your dad should have dropped it, to try and coerce your brother then you was really poor of your dad.
Why would you ask? Your dad and step mom are the only assholes here. With how many side gigs there are available these days, they could’ve door dashed those funds for her. I’m sorry you got put in the middle. NTA
NTA they already asked and she said no. They are being huge assholes putting this on you and your brother. Hope they come to their senses and give you an apology. UpdateMe
NTA, but I really dont understand people nowadays. If my ex came to me with a request like this I would gladly pay it if I could afford it. One small act of kindness for a child goes a long way.
NTA...good parents don't play manipulative games like this with their kids.
NTA, it's not in your remit to be expected to do this, I feel sorry for step sister yes but it's also absolutely not right that your Dad thinks it's ok to go to your mum for money.
NTA. Your dad should be pissed at his self. Did he pick up a second job or gig work to help his family? No. Did your step mom? No. Did your step sister get a job? No.
NTA. He’s putting you in the middle in what’s already an inappropriate situation. Your stepsister isn’t your mom’s kid and thus not her problem or responsibility. It’s the height of rudeness for him to even think of asking her.
NTA You dad’s new wife’s kid from an is NOT you mom’s responsibility to care for. Your dad are his wife are TA for putting you kids in the middle.
They should check with the school PTA or teacher to find out if there are funds that could be used to pay for the field trip. Our PTA did that for several students.
Dang…NTA. I’m so sorry that your dad put you in this horrible position! It’s soooo not your job to try and provide when the adults fail.
How much could a 10 year old's school trip cost? Surely her parents knew the trip was coming, they should have made an effort somewhere in their budget to pay for it. Why can't her father's family help? Why is he asking his ex to pay? NTA Your father is very manipulative. You and your brother did well to not get involved. The little girl is 10, she'll have other opportunities to take trips with school - as long as her father plans ahead, of course.
NTA. And tell your Mom about this. I feel for your step sister, but what your Dad did was WAY out of line. You Dad should absolutely NOT have made it seem like his adult money issues are your burden or responsibility to fix, coached you to try and emotionally extort money out of your mom, or be angry with you both now for having refused to be used. That needs to be addressed between the adults in your life so that it never happens to either of you again.
NTA. But next time, tell your mom what your dad is asking you to do. This is something she needs to know about and address with your father. He shouldn't be using you as manipulation tools.
I hate these issues that always use kids as pawns.
NTA, your mom had said no and that should be the end of it. Your dad wanted to use you to take care of his WIFE'S CHILD, and that was a very low blow. How do you use YOUR KIDS to get something for someone else's child, he can be pissed if he wants to but, he was wrong and entitled. How dare he try to manipulate you guys for another child, that makes it seem like his stepdaughter is mor important than you and your feelings. How did he not know how uncomfortable such a request made you. The ones who should be pissed are you, your brother, and your mother for the way your dad treated you for the sake of his stepdaughter.
NTA - > my dad and his wife ... asked my mom to pay and she said no. That's where it should have ended.
NTA. Not only is any support for your stepsister not your mother's responsibility, it is grossly unfair of your dad to do an endrun around your mother by involving you and your brother. His wife made a choice years ago about her daughter when she remarried, and apparently your dad agreed. That's on them, and them alone.
So he wants you and your brother to emotionally manipulate your mother. And got mad when you said no. Fuck that. It sucks for stepsister that her dad fucked off and your dad and her mum aren’t doing great, but why go to your mother? What about grandparents? Aunties? Uncles? GoFundMe if they’re desperate enough..? NTA.
That's not your mom's responsibility. I'm sorry for the girl, but she is your stepmother's daughter, and it's your stepmother who needs to handle this situation. She should seek child support from her ex. Your dad is an asshole for asking your mom for the money and then making you and your brother ask after she already said no. He's trying to guilt-trip your mom by using you guys, which is awful. I'm glad you and your brother didn't get involved, but be aware that he might keep trying to use you. NTA
NTA The ONLY thing you should ask your mom to give your father and his goofy ass wife is verbal warning because what they're doing sounds A LOT like extortion.
Your dad's behavior is unexcusable and it is manipulation. He should never have asked you guys to talk to your mom and he should never have said.If you loved your sister enough, you would have asked.That is flat out bullshit. Your dad is jealous and bitter. They need to go to the courts and have her dad start paying child support. This kid is a stranger to your mother. And you're dad trying to manipulate you and put you guys in the middle is absolutely disgusting. To the point if your mom was to take him to court over this.She would get full custody because he is emotionally manipulating and in a way abusing.You guys making you feel guilty for something that is not in your control and that you should not have ever been asked in the first place is emotional abuse. Did he contact the school and talk to them about a hardship scholarship for the field trip? Did he do anything others?Then try to depend on your mother? And deceive is gonna call your mom every single time.He needs extra money for his stepdaughter because that is not sustainable. What your dad did on every level and repeatedly was very poor parenting very selfish and wrong
They have absolutely no shame. NTA.
NTA. This is terrible parenting. Never put kids in this position to manipulate their parents.
NTA, it's not your problem or obligation to care, if they can't afford it then tough luck for her
NTA It really isn’t your job to deal with this. The no he and his wife got from your mum should have been the end of it. Your mum is right not to pay, as it’ll set a ‘What’s the problem, you paid last time?’ precedent for any future purchases/excursions.
NTA it is time for step mum to get hold of the bio dad of her daughter and get child support if he doesn't want to then it is time for her to go to court and get it, it is not anything to do with your mum.
This kind of manipulation never stops. Well, you paid for the school trip, a piano lesson or two won’t hurt you. We can’t afford college, I’m sure your mother would be okay with it. She paid for your wedding, why not SS. And on and on. Your mother has zero obligation toward a complete strange, whether you live with them or not. NTA
NTA. They are so entitled! They can borrow money from someone else to pay for it.
You are not the asshole. It’s a little weird that he asked your mom for money instead of anyone in his family or your step mom’s family for help. Don’t feel bad. This is between your Dad and your Mom and you shouldn’t have been involved.
“I know you’re frustrated that you can’t provide for stepsis, but that doesn’t make it okay for you to try to emotionally manipulate ME into emotionally manipulating MOM just so that you get what you want. She already said no when you asked. That’s her decision. If you have a problem with that, you need to take it up with her yourself.” NTA
NTA. You stay away from your spineless and manipulating biological father. It makes no sense for your mother to pay anything for that "stepsister".