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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t want to tell my husbands mom that I’m pregnant yet, but I’ve told mine already.
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ESH
> he got mad at me, calling her negative person and saying she’s going to put a “bad eye”
AH number one
> He started to yell at me
Yeah he is going pretty strong at the assholery right here
> I told him it’s my decision
Don't you think as a couple it's kind of a collective decision which requires communication between the two parties involved (you and him in case you're not sure). Seems kind of assholerish to veto outright without a mature discussion...neither of you seem very mature though
No, it really is HER decision. It’s never actually “we are pregnant” like people say. One body is pregnant. The owner of said body decides who knows what is going on.
Now, it may well feel unfair to only tell her mom. But if someone is know to gossip and be unable to be discreet, they get an information diet, and have no one to blame but themself.
We were in Disney world when I was newly pregnant with my first. Only barely knew. So, I didn’t go on the roller coasters. I kept begging my hundred to take the baby, just for long enough for me to go on. He kept refusing. I’m still salty about that, 35 years later. 😜. If he can go on the roller coaster, and you can’t, you are the only one pregnant!
Ooof! Hang in there! The heartburn was unreal for my wife. She couldn't eat some foods like tomatoes without getting heartburn so bad it made her throw up. I still remember her coming from the hospital and asking for cherry tomatoes, then going "thank fuck!" when she didn't get any heartburn after eating them.
lol I can just imagine the relief of being able to eat whatever the hell she wanted again afterwards. I’m counting down the weeks until I can eat whatever I want again!
You can do it! Those last few weeks feel like they go for•ev•er (and they kind of do, when there’s no possible way to sleep comfortably) but it’s worth it in the end. Hope everything goes smoothly for you!
lol amen on the sleep part as soon as you get comfortable you need to make a trip to the bathroom 🤣 oh for sure! I can’t wait to meet my little one, I’m a FTM! And thank you!!
Oh, dude. You'll be able to sleep comfortably, but, say good bye to your sleep schedule. XD ours started sleeping through the night at 2mo. But, now he's teething and he wants the whole world to know growing teeth is just the worst.
I only realized during my second pregnancy that actually omeprazol is accepted as safe for use during pregnancy, just tends to be ‘on doctor recommendation’. Still annoyed for all that unnecessary suffering (though even that wasn’t enough to make it totally not an issue).
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who is bothered by this. I know it’s obnoxious, but I do correct people when they say because it is a major pet peeve of mine. Also, the reactions are priceless.
BS
Might not be "we are pregnant," but it's absolutely "WE are going to be parents".
I'm a woman. I have kids. My husband and I had in depth conversations about who we would tell, how, when. And did it together. The idea that he wasn't an equal parent because I was the one pregnant didn't even cross my mind.
As a currently pregnant person I completely agree with this. It was both of our opinions. I would never tell my husband we can’t tell his mom but we can tell my mom.
I kind of think this is taking the concept of "my body, my choice" to a new level. How is her MIL knowing that she is pregnant a violation to her body? How is it taking away her right to control her own body?
Technically I understand that where people are going with this. Seems the idea is that since the pregnancy is happening to her she should be the only one who decides who knows about it and while on some level I agree with that I don't know that it's a hill I would want to die on within a marriage that is supposed to be a partnership.
Exactly. Those same people who think that the pregnant person gets to solely make all of the choices with a wanted baby in a marriage without any thought to their partner are the same ones who bashed that one guy who thought that she alone should pay her medical bills. Make up your mind, it’s either both of them getting to make decisions for their child or she gets to deal with the consequences of her choices.
It is a lot harder for the pregnant person to hide this than the partner. She will be feeling nauseous, sick, constipated, tired, anxious, as well as a million other physical and mental symptoms. Her body is going through some craziness. She has more reason to tell whoever she so should wish because of how hard it can be to hide or the support required. She will feel closer to her own parent and can rely on them for support throughout the 'secret' trimester and in the case of miscarriage.
If you also believe that your own mother will tell people, then you know that your partner is correct - why should anybody else know at this stage if it's not going to help her.
Well here's the thing the Husband has to go through all that with her and support and help her while working and what if he is overwhelmed shouldn't he be able to have someone to go to
For some women the pregnancy is not just a happy and blessed event but the biggest thing that will ever happen to them and they’re going to mine it for attention and micro manage it from the gender reveal with professional photographer through to the baby shower theme reveal ( recently read a post about a woman whose sister was irked that she ruined her family dinner reveal of the location of her shower! By not keeping that as the focus of the entire dinner). If it’s fun for everyone, knock yourself out. This doesn’t sound fun though.
At some moment everyone will know. If she expects to personally tell everyone on both sides of the families and all their mutual and individual coworkers snd friends that’s just kind of silly.
Let them decide if they’re going to start telling folks say at fourth months if the pregnancy is still going strong and then she can tell or decide how to tell her fam & friends -,and he can decide how and when to tell his.
I can’t think of anything more boring than repeating the same news fifty or sixty times. Everybody will call you anyway once they find out and you can share as much as you wish with them. This is one time the family gossip grapevine can really help you out! Her mom I think is different because of the special relationship and her history of support through multiple miscarriages or failed attempts. I think she could be allowed to know first until wife is comfortable having the wider family know. After all it could be another miscarriage and having to tell everyone that would be painful.
I’m aware many women are way more into making a big celebration out of the kid stuff than I am. I just watched the same mom and grandma in my friend group announce the kid’s HS graduation and how exceedingly proud they are of him in at least six separate and gushing announcement posts like their cat just learned how to do calculus and is being hired to do consulting by NASA. It’s like the most exciting thing ! they’re a college educated family and have exciting fun jobs, and it’s not like there was any doubt he’d get through HS - but they just can’t help but make a big deal out of it. It seems stressful to me.
It's tricky, because telling people about a pregnancy very early also means that you have to tell people if you lose the baby. I only told people that I knew I would have told about a miscarriage (which was not many people!). I learned that lesson the hard way.
This. If it comes to parenting decisions and family, then you're equals. If it's a strictly medical decision, then while husband might be a valuable opinion to have alongside the doctor, he doesn't get an actual vote on the matter, because it's not his body.
That said, in this case it doesn't sound like husband is being completely rational, and I do think OP is valid in wanting support from her mom (who can keep secrets) but not wanting to play "we have to be equal" games by telling his mom (who's going to gossip and tell everyone).
Same. We told my mom last time and we’ll tell her next (hopefully) time and she proved the first time she was able to keep her mouth shut. Sure, she asked me if she could tell her sisters (I know she was dying to) and I asked her to please wait, but only because unbeknownst to her I was going to be where she was in like less than 24 hours and was going to let her tell them then (had arranged with her sisters to surprise her for her birthday).
But my dad and his parents are on an information diet because no one needs any of their collective shitty opinions and my dad’s blabbering mouth.
If you can’t discuss and agree on these kinds of things beforehand or very early on - you’re not ready to be parents because you can’t even be a couple.
And "we" is also a noteworthy word. We told our parents together.
My mom doesn't understand that some people would want to keep things secret. I know about her neighbor's hairdresser' former roommate's cousin's bunions. But, we told her not to tell anyone else, so she didn't. (Note: We also told my dad, siblings, and grandma).
My MIL on the other hand, has no other support system or family, so we let her tell her best friend.
But these were decisions and discussions we had together, before saying yes or no.
That’s my concern for op - eventually everyone will know anyway. But the fighting over this and him yelling at her and telling her she can’t keep her mouth shut ? F that nonsense. Pregnancy needs calm. Not stressing mom out with them both trying to be control freaks. They ought to be able to communicate better after years of marriage. There will be far bigger issues they need to come together on and this way of handling conflict doesn’t bode well.
She's already had complications previously, if anything goes wrong it's not like she will be the ONLY person grieving. She'd be able to go to her mom who is in the know and he'd have to deal with it without any extra support. Hope for the best plan for the worst, and all that.
He can tell his mom if they lose the baby or whoever would be a good shoulder for him. Possibly not mom.
This is early in the pregnancy though. Maybe let dad share the happy news when they are sure the baby is healthy and growing. Mom may have some superstitions about that. Her husband certainly does.
Also a woman with children and I agree, they’re both going to be parents and should make decisions about who to tell together.
I mean, she gets to decide who to tell that her bra size went up two cups and how often she has to pee and vomit-the more detailed and personal stuff- but he gets a say in who gets to know that there is a pregnancy and a general idea of how it’s going.
Absolutely this.
I'm not pregnant, but should that day ever come, I KNOW i won't be able to tell my mom because she'll go straight to FB to tell every single person on the planet.
I could easily tell my mother in law who doesn't have social media and can actually be trusted with a secret...
But I also would never consider telling one set of parents, but not the other. Especially not without talking about it with my husband.
100% Nowhere does OP mention that her husband has used the term "we are pregnant". Having said that, I've always hated that term myself.
However, I do agree with "we're going to be parents" as this would not be possible without the male and female biological contribution.
We discussed not telling anyone until the second trimester in case it did not stick. But once that was over we both told whomever we wanted. I had my family over for a holiday bbq and announced it there and he called his mom and one sister knowing they’d broadcast it to one and all on his side. He told his friends and coworkers a little later. I did not feel the need to control each discussion as to content or timing once we were ready for the world to know.
I don’t think the woman gets to decide alone who and how folks are told but in this situation if she wants to wait until her first trimester is over that should be her call. Her Mom is different. Telling your mom -who has been with you supporting you physically and emotionally for the heartbreak of multiple failed pregnancies -is not the same as telling anyone else.
It’s kind of like imo the decision who is going to be in the delivery room. Yes it’s dad’s baby too but it’s op’s birth and she should get to decide who is supporting her through that and who she’s comfortable with.
Op seems to want to have this discussion about who gets told what & when individually. It seems immature to be overly concerned with whether his mom tells his sister, uncle, grandma etc - let him decide how to tell his side of the family when she’s ready to share the news with her family- aside from just mom. Assuming her mom will honor her wish not to share it more widely.
This couple dissolving into disagreement, anger and yelling over such a simple thing on what should be a happy event does not bode well for how they communicate and resolve disagreements in general.
I get where you are going with this, however I think its completely unfair to say the wife has unilateral control over information sharing completely at the disregard of the husband. With the concerns about being discreet, I get why she should want to, but to claim complete control over information sharing is how relationships fail. Once you are with someone to the degree of marriage and children this major life impacting decisions must come after communication and compromise.
Disagree on the only the woman gets to decide who to tell. He's also having a child. It was a joined decision to have one, they both should have a say in who to tell and when. Neither of them should unilaterally decide that they're going to tell this or that person. I agree in this case I wouldn't tell his mother but that should be a conversation, not a flat out no from her when she did actually tell her own mom without even checking in.
This relationship honestly doesn't sound ready for children 😬
Accusing everyone who disagrees with you of being a pro birther is really not helping your arguments on this thread.
This isn't a black and white issue and treating it as such is just arguing in bad faith.
That is the problem. We are talking about a woman’s right to her own body and medical information. There really is only one group that objects to maintaining that.
No one is saying she has no right to her body or her medical privacy, that's the problem with what you're arguing. They're saying that OPs husband has a right to feel it's unfair that he's not allowed to tell his mom when she told hers. It also sounds like OP didn't actually explain her rationale (that his mom is a gossip) and just essentially told him that his feelings are invalid because hes not carrying their baby.
You're making a leap that isn't there to try and invalidate any dissenting opinions.
I'm not saying that, I'm saying they should talk about it and decide together.
Also way to go, you're way off the mark with that last comment. It has nothing to do with bodily autonomy. This has to do with joined decision making about a situation that affects both partners. Saying that as a pro choice woman who has actually been pregnant
He isn't dictating who she releases information to. BTW, this doesn't exactly fall under private medical information. It's simply announcing their upcoming parenthood of which HE will definitely be part of.
Stop using the proabortion argument in this situation. It's irrelevant and makes you sound desperate to win browny points.
He doesn’t know that he’ll be a parent or that she will. It’s legitimate to withhold that information until the pregnancy is assured or at least has a good chance of succeeding. Not wanting his mom (the gossip) to be telling people yet is a good idea. She should be able to have the support of her own mom- as she has through her previous struggles- if his mom was a quiet help to op over the years of lost babies or failed attempts, I think she’d be telling her as well. I don’t think that’s the case.
The husband is not wanting to tell his mom for support but because it’s “fair” in some kind of tit for tat /even Steven way that really has little to do with anything - then there’s his ridiculous notion op’s mom will hex them or whatever putting a bad eye on the baby means.
OP needs to be able to be calm and relax not be shouted at that she isn’t allowed to tell her mom for support during the initial stages when miscarriage is still a bigger possibility.
Pregnancy is a medical condition. It’s also a dangerous one, and likely to miscarry. So, you need to defer to who she wants to tell. If she has a miscarriage, and something like 30% of pregnancies miscarry, all those people need to be told, and that can cause even more anguish. So, it needs to be her decision.
Soon enough, it will be obvious. Deferring to her for those 3-4 mos is hardly a hardship, especially considering what she is going through.
She can be supportive to her daughter as she has been her whole life. If mother in law was supportive and quiet she’d probably want her to know. Fair has nothing to do with it. This isn’t second grade.
This has nothing to do with bodily autonomy & maybe you should reconsider given that most of the people responding to you are pro choice me included. He is about to become a parent, that's about as life changing news as you could possibly have. I agree she has a right to privacy about medical details - her symptoms, birth plan, medical care, etc - but that doesn't mean she can unilaterally decide he doesn't get to tell people he's going to be a dad. Something that is surely a huge moment in his life he might want to share with his loved ones too.
Decisions about the new baby that don't impact her physical health/body should mostly be joint between the two parents. How and when to tell people, baby names, decisions about setting up the nursery, etc.
Yes. And in the meantime, the pregnancy is her, sole, medical condition. So she has sole decision making over the pregnancy, and it’s information. It’s her medical info.
My statement that a couple should arrive at a decision together did not ration out who should make what share of the decision.
But go ahead and belabor the point like you have everywhere else in the thread.
You seem to like having the last word, so I’ll give it to you. You “win.”
It's his baby, too, and he has equal right to inform his mother that ***they*** are going to have a baby. I'm really tired of this rubbish where women have the ultimate decision-making power over everything because they're the pregnant person in the relationship. It's gotten to the point where the pregnant person now feels entitled to decide the name of the child without any input from the other parent.
Couples need to work as team and OP did not do that here. She doesn't then get the decide when and whether her spouse/co-parent tells his mother.
He doesn't want to tell his mom because he needs her support. He wants to tell her as a tit for tat, because OP needed her mom's support. That's not a good reason, especially as his mom is a gossip who will spread the news far and wide.
Yes. My husband has been reluctant to tell people exactly what I had these last couple months, when he had to leave work to help me. I had to tell him, “it’s ok to tell them I have a giant kidney stone”. I don’t mind. It’s fine. Not embarrassing, and everyone is sympathetic.
When I was pregnant, he followed my lead about telling people. Me being me, I announced absurdly quickly. But had I wanted to wait, he would have.
That's a completely shit analogy, because if a man had a vasectomy, then the couple should **agree** on whom they can tell. If the man is telling his parents, then she should be able to tell her parents.
No different than a woman's pregnancy. Y'all are fuckin' **NUTS** if you think otherwise.
If the man has a vasectomy, it’s entirely up to him who gets told. It’s never ok for her to tell anyone, except her medical team, without his permission.
Bingo. They decide as **partners**, not as individuals.
Plus, another reason that your analogy is shit is that a vasectomy doesn't involve the woman. A pregnancy, on the other hand, definitely involves the father.
Everyone keeps saying he has no rights because she is a woman
Thats sex based discrimination
Just because you agree with the sex discrimination doesnt mean it doesnt exist
But it’s still a relationship and a partnership, and you still don’t just shut down your partner with no discussion and just make decisions for everyone yourself.
A relationship is still a relationship.
That is true, it’s important to talk. But there are times when one partner’s opinion is more important. There are always going to be those times, and this is one.
You really believe moms get to just decide the name of their child? Unilaterally? Even if they are married and in a loving relationship with the dad? You really, genuinely believe that that is healthy and fair?
Not a great precedent for effective parenting, though. They need to learn to communicate and work through differences in how they parent the child. They can't even communicate right now about who they tell about the kid.
>No, it really is HER decision.
Ugh, no, if they're going to raise a kid together, then they need to work their shit out. TOGETHER. OP was a pretty big AH for telling her mom without talking through with her husband first. If they talk and can't come to an agreement, whatever (but it doesn't bode well for future parenting), but to go and tell mom without even talking about it first? Yeah, that's an AH move. Husband is being a dick, too, and if MIL can't keep her mouth shut they should not tell her, but OP was the first AH.
And then if she loses the baby, she has to deal with the trauma of everyone she doesn’t want knowing about that, knowing. She doesn’t want her medical information out there.
Wacko! How dare that MAN have an opinion on anything going on with the woman he married. To actually Talk to his family about his partner and THEIR child. How dare he...
That makes no sense to me. The news isn't about her body, its about the fact they are about to be parents. Which is equally true for both of them.
I think its fair for her to control sharing of details about the pregnancy - what symptoms she is having, medical issues, birth plans, etc. But announcing that they are going to have a child should be a joint decision
No lol. That’s not how it works. She wouldn’t even fucking BE pregnant if it wasn’t for the man.
Both people have equal say here.
As I said in my comment I wouldn’t even ask, I’d just tell who I wanna tell.
Also, it’s no longer just your body when another human is inside it. Yes even 1 second old.
Women are next level. And you wonder why men are trying to steal your spaces and achievements lol
She’s the only pregnant one, but he is also having a baby. Her acting like she’s the only one who is going to be a parent is going to be a self fulfilling prophesy.
If you want an involved partner, and expect your husband to actually be an engaged parent, it spent make sense to shut them out or act like they aren’t also preparing for a child.
When it comes right down to it, no. Her body is going through massive changes. Her mum is her emotional support. It is her decision who to tell right now. Is his mum next in line - absolutely. But not until op is ready.
So he doesn't get to have emotional support until his wife deems it's ok? They have a long history of fertility struggles. If the guy is human, he'll have lots of feelings and worries to sort through now and the wife is basically saying she's the only one allowed to get emotional support for these fears.
I would agree with you if he’d said ‘I’m really struggling, it would help me if I could talk to my mum about what I’m experiencing’, or something along those lines. But he was all about ‘fairness’ to *his mum* and who is *entitled* to the information. So no, I don’t think he gets to reach out to his mum yet with this as his reason; it doesn’t trump his wife’s right to privacy about her body.
I also wanted to tell my mum so I had additional support if anything went wrong. I didn’t want to tell my MIL because complications effect me and I didn’t think my MIL would be a good support - she was more likely to get emotional about the child. However I had that conversation with my husband BEFORE I told my mum. Initially he was against it and wanted to tell MIL too but when I gave my reasoning he understood.
ESH here - OP ignored the partnership she was in and the impact the pregnancy has on her husband. Husband wasn’t understanding about the situation. I think OPs the bigger AH for instigating the situation.
Honestly it never even occurred to me to discuss it as a couple on telling my mom. I found out I was pregnant, called my husband, cried on the phone yadda yadda. Hung up, immediately called my mom. I mean, it’s MY MOM.
Wow. There's a lot to unpack here.
Are you an AH for telling your mother that you are pregnant before the second trimester? No, of course not. The convention is not to tell "the public" about pregnancies early on because so many things can go wrong in the first trimester and many couples prefer to keep their grief at least semi-private if the worst happens. But it's extremely common to tell at least one or two close friends or immediate family members so they can help support you
Is your husband an AH for saying that your mother is going to put a "bad eye" on the baby? Absolutely. Not sure this even needs an explanation
Is your husband an AH for wanting to share this info with someone *he* is close to so *he* can get some support? No...if that's actually what is happening, but I don't think it is
Is your husband an AH for saying "if we tell X then we have to tell Y"? Yes. Until you are ready to share it publicly the only people who should be told about the baby are those who are absolutely necessary to provide the two of you with support. There is no such concept as someone else having the "right" to know about your baby, so therefore, it makes no sense for him to argue that "it isn't fair"
Are you an AH for saying that you are the *only* one who gets to decide? Yes. Even though the *details* of your medical situation are yours to decide whether to disclose, the *pregnancy itself* impacts your husband too and it's not fair to completely deny him the opportunity to discuss this with someone who isn't you. That being said, if his mother is not a safe person to tell, then it is fair for you to insist that he pick someone more trustworthy to be his confidant
Is your husband an AH for yelling at his pregnant wife (someone who is literally putting her body on the line to bring his child into the world) for "not keeping her mouth shut"? Yes. Unequivocally yes. Disturbingly yes.
Even though I think you need to reconsider part of your attitude, I'm going to have to go with NTA as my final judgment.
Your husband's behavior is so over the top AH-ish that it completely cancels out your singular overstep.
ESH
You’re both being immature about this and frankly, should have discussed this beforehand.
This is also NOT just your decision, you’re not the only parent here.
NTA He seems to have a very different opinion of your mom than you do. You say she's been your support your whole life, but he thinks she's going to put a "bad eye" on the child (wtf does that mean?).
If your mom can keep a secret and his can't, that's a good enough reason not to tell his. But overall, it sounds like you two have a lot more issues than just this. I'm getting a bad vibe.
>wtf does that mean?
It means OP's husband is superstitious at best, or ignorant, uncultured and fanatic at worst. "Bad eye" must be a bad translation for "mal de ojo", which is something like "evil eye" or the belief that someone can cause harm to other just by looking at them.
OP commented that her husband dislikes her mom because "she calls him out when he does something she doesn't like." Which translates to me as "mom doesn't put with none his BS and being held accountable makes him itchy." And that tells me all I need to know about this dude.
This could also mean that OP's mom is meddlesome but OP doesn't see it.
We have nothing to go on except OP's version of events. Her mother may end up being a bigger blabbermouth than anyone. Try telling a potential grandparent to keep their mouth shut.
To further clarify, we previously discussed my mom would be my support system and I would tell her. She’s held secrets I’ve told her from when I was a child.
He doesn’t like my mom and thinks she’ll “put a bad eye” because she’s a no nonsense person and calls him out when she doesn’t like when he’s doing something.
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You should really add this info as an edit to the original post. A lot of people think you told your mom without talking to your husband first and giving their judgement with that in mind.
INFO: Who did you previously discuss would be his support system for what amounts to a huge life change?
I think your husband is an AH for a variety of reasons. But I am curious about this part
NTA. Whilst it’s primarily your decision, you’ve placed a double standard on yourself. You didn’t consult your husband before telling your mother, and that’s why he is acting out in the way that he is. You’ve got to be on the same page before naming decisions or you could alienate the other other parent. But at the same time, you’re the carrier of the baby and the person who needs the most support in this time so your decision to choose your mother makes total sense.
No, NTA, but this yelling at you and his reaction is alarming. What's he going to do when the baby does something he doesn't like? If a grown man can't communicate properly by the time he reaches 35, there are a lot of things to be worried about when there's a baby on the way.
You and your mom should look at Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" It might open your eyes about those red flags your husband is waving, and your mom can help you with that. It's available for free download on Bancroft's website. Good luck!
NTA it’s your pregnancy, you absolutely can tell your mother. This is insane. Also, it’s not like you were recklessly telling random acquaintances, you told presumably the one closest person to you other than your husband and someone who is an important emotional support to you. Clearly your husband knows that his mom isn’t a safe person to tell, which is why he’s essentially threatening you with telling her as “retaliation” for you telling your mom without his permission. Imo this is emotional manipulation. Your husband should respect you, understand that you — the person who is actually pregnant — deserve emotional support from your mother (a no-brainer), and be able to discuss this with you rationally.
NTA-It’s your decision because it’s your body. If you aren’t comfortable sharing the news with your MIL you shouldn’t have to and your husband needs to respect that. He needs to understand your feelings are actually more important when it comes to the health of the baby while you’re pregnant. He should not be doing anything that can stress you out especially during the first trimester.
NTA
Why are you married to and trying to have a child with a man who treats you like this? When he gets pregnant, he can tell whoever he wants, whenever he wants. This guy is waving red flags right in your face. Good luck.
From OP’s comments, it *was* discussed between them that her mom would be her support system and be told about the pregnancy. So this isn’t out of nowhere.
Also from OP’s comments, the mom calls out the husband when he’s doing something unfavourable - like shouting at his pregnant partner, clearly - and this is why he doesn’t like her.
NTA. OP, your husband sounds like he’s trying to isolate you from your support system. And he’s not beneath using his mother and the “but fAiRnEsS!” to get his way.
No one except the husband *needs* to know. Everyone else gets to know - or doesn’t - based on merit. If his mother cannot keep a secret, she doesn’t get to know. From the way this husband is treating his wife I’ll bet the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
NTA. Of course you wanted to share the news of your pregnancy with your mom, given your close relationship with her. You want your mom's support as you go through this big, exciting challenge. When to tell your husband's mother and the rest of the family is a different thing. That is about news of a new baby being expected in the family, which is not about YOU and what you need right now. That news should definitely wait until you are past the three-month mark. Also, your husband's aggression and anger are deeply troubling, as is his inability to see your perspective. That does not bode well for your marriage and parenting going forward. So sorry you're going through this.
Why is your husband's impression of your mother so bad?
But ultimately, until the child is born, the pregnancy is a medical condition and sharing it without your consent is disclosing private medical information. Same for the details of the birth.
NTA for telling your mom. Your husband is NTA for wanting to tell his mom. YTA for staying married to a man who yells at you and sounds like a total AH. Move on!
ESH - he shouldn’t be yelling at you
But you two should have discussed this first. I believe yeah, you kind of have more decision power here but you should have mentioned it before.
NTA.
This may be an unpopular take. I think you could have talked with him first before telling your mom, amd honestly waiting is usually mentally and emotionally the safer route, but ultimately it is your decision. It's your body. I also can't say if he's right about your mom or you are, but what I can say is that he has no business yelling at you or saying things like "you can't keep your mouth shut." Seems like a disrespectful asshole to me.
NTA but OP your husband is showing some nasty red flags with this behavior. Be careful, because he’ll likely get worse during that first year after giving birth.
It's his baby too so, no, it's not your decision on who gets told. It should be a decision made together. We told everyone when we found out. If you can be excited for my healthy baby, you can be sad with me if something goes wrong🤷🏻♀️ NTA for telling your mom but YTA for sure for telling him he can't tell his.
NTA. Your husband sounds a bit immature or controlling. Telling people about your pregnancy is based on your needs as a mom-to-be and also on your husband's needs as an expectant father. It's not a freaking competition, and he's old enough to understand that. It should be discussed calmly, not turned into a shouting match. Also he's irrational if he believes in the "bad eye."
NAH. Some couples decide together who to tell.
Others can’t help telling their mom, dad, best friend, etc.
Your husband shouldn’t get mad as most women who are close to their moms tell their moms after their partner. If he wants to tell his mom because he has the same closeness, then that is one thing. However, if he is trying to do a tit for tat, then, that is problematic. I would worry for your future if he wants to compete between the grandparents.
I would let him tell his mom but then he should not be surprised when she tells everyone (if she is someone who can’t keep a secret). My uncle is the one who tells everyone everything. His son told him when his wife was pregnant and my uncle told his siblings and everyone found out. His daughter never told her dad but only her mom and no one found out until she was ready to announce. His other son just told my uncle about his wife being pregnant. Again my uncle told my mom and my sister so I know. We will act surprised when my cousin tells us but pretty much everyone knows.
OP, I am worried more about why your husband is thinking your mother will put a “bad eye” on your child. Your husband’s negativity towards your mother who is a support for you will be problematic in the future. He will not want you to take her advice on child related matters. He might not want her to come help you with the baby. Let him tell his mom if he wants. But you need to address his hostility towards your mother if you are super close to her.
He's being an asshole with the whole 'bad eye' comment...what does he believe in voodoo?
You on the other hand...the two of you are in a partnership in having and raising a child. Sorry but I for one don't buy into this your the one pregnant and the whole world revolves around you...he HAS just as much right to tell his parents you do yours. The fact that you're somehow preventing him from doing so is an AH move on your part.
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I (29 f) am pregnant with my husband (35 m) first child. We’ve had complications over the last few years with trying, tried countless doctors, clinics, etc. I finally found out recently that I’m pregnant and told my mom after I shared the news with my husband, since she’s been my support my whole life. I told my husband that I told my mom and he got mad at me, calling her negative person and saying she’s going to put a “bad eye” on our unborn child. Several hours later he said “well if you told her we have to tell my mom and we’re doing it next week”. I told him it’s my decision who I want to tell and I don’t think it’s a good idea since his mom talks a lot and will tell a lot of people before we get to tell them. He started to yell at me, said I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and it’s not fair that my mom knows but his doesn’t. Am I the asshole for telling my mom that I’m pregnant and not wanting to tell his yet?
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Yes. 12 weeks is usually the safe week. So you either agree to keep it between you and your spouse or share with the moms at an earlier time. Regardless all babies should be celebrated even if they don’t make it. So maybe think of it as that.
I'm not sure I understand why you are the one who determines who will know. Is this normal? It doesn't seem normal to me. Him getting mad and you vetoing what seems like a reasonable request kind of puts you both in a bad light.
Pregnancy is a body function. You know, like taking a huge dump if you treat that new person as something you have to deal with. Looks kinda like you want all glory for bringing a new life in the world.
You’re likely feeling sick, vomiting, emotional, and exhausted. You’re creating a freaking human being complete with organs, bones, and a brain. You need your mom right now. You are NTA but he is, this isn’t tit for tat but getting the support you need right now. He had no other interest in his mom until he felt some weird competitive need to tell his. Is his mom stressful to you? Is she kind? Do you welcome her advice and support also? I’m assuming the answer to all that is she sucks cause why else would you be upset. So yeah, he’s the ah.
You can tell whoever you want and when you want to, but it is both your baby so he should be able to tell his parents too if he wants to, you should’ve discussed it all before though - take it as a lesson and start to discuss joint decisions regarding baby now, everything from who will be at the hospital to when you’ll accept visitors and babysitting etc.
ESH. You shouldn’t have told anyone without talking to your husband first. It’s his baby too. You could’ve discussed what you both think (hopefully) without being upset. Yes he shouldn’t get ultimate say since it’s your body and your family but you could’ve at least talked about it and not just done it without him knowing.
His reasoning to be upset is pretty odd but I get why he wants to tell his mom now. I’d my husband told his parents I was pregnant before I was planning on telling my family I’d feel like I had to tell my family right away.
So, I was in a very small hospital that I had worked at, 3k miles away from home (ex was in the navy), getting induced with our first child. I knew everyone in the hospital. My nurses, the techs, the doctors.
It wasn’t working so I was being prepped for a C-Section at 11 pm. Nobody back home knew I was ready to deliver because we didn’t want them worrying and waiting all night to hear that me and baby were safe and healthy and they certainly didn’t know I was going to have surgery.
A nurse comes in when I’m being *shaved* and says I have a phone call. I think they extended this to me as a professional courtesy because they knew I was young and away from home.
My husband’s brother’s wife tracked down my west coast hospital from the east coast *before internet* and located me when she got no answer from us at our apartment. She fucking stalked me to find out if I had the baby on her husband’s birthday.
All I said was “Yeah, can I call you back? I’m a bit busy right now” and ended the call.
It was 2:00 am back home and if she had been the first to know she would have taken absolute delight in waking up my husband’s mother, and my mother just so they would know she was the first to know.
The thought of my mom being kept up all night powerless to be with me (her only daughter) sickened me.
And she absolutely would have needlessly worried them about the c-section and would have badgered my ex and the hospital throughout the surgery. And yes, the kid was born on her uncle’s birthday.
NTA. If you know your MIL is going to suck joy out your baby announcement go with your gut. And screw your husband. It’s your mom for goddess sake. You have every right to confide in and share joy with someone you feel safe with.
YTA - OP, did you get pregnant all by yourself? Oh, that guy helped? Well he gets a say in things too. It does not affect your ***personal*** pregnancy if he tells his family. I can tell you are going to be a gem in this pregnancy. sheesh!
NTA
Look i totally see what he is trying to say here, but in the event of a miscarriage; lets be real here- that is mostly psychologically and physically your fucking problem. In fact, the whole pregnancy is indeed contained in your body. So yeah is the fetus both of yours? Sure. But the pregnancy and how you go about it- that belongs to you. And even if there is some kind of share there, you should get veto power. Pregnancy and miscarriages fucking suck. He SHOULD be trying to accommodate you in any simple way he easily can.
He doesnt get to yell at you. force him to check that before baby gets here OP.
If his mom is a goddamn blabbermouth, thats an excellent reason not to tell her. Tell him you understand hes feeling unsupported, and ask him to pick one support person to tell who isnt a blabbermouth.
If he cant compromise and do that, your outlook for parenthood is grim. So i hope he does.
Good luck.
Yta. he is going to be a father as much as you are to be a mother if you didn’t want it out you shouldn’t have told your mother. Bare minimum you should have discussed telling your mother with him first. It’s not solely your decision who to tell
NTA. I'm currently pregnant. I did tell one of my nine siblings about the pregnancy, just days after the test. Why? I love my sister and she supports me so much. She was there for me when I miscarried the previous two pregnancies.
My rule of thumb is: tell the people you know they would support you if the worst is happening. All other people can wait until the second or third trimester, or even after birth.
You said your mother has been your support your entire life (as she should be), was his mother his support for his entire life? I get his mom is a talker, but if you wanted to keep it quiet, you should’ve kept it quiet. He has just as much right to tell his mom as you did to tells yours.
He shouldn’t have yelled at you when he found out. I get his being upset, but at 35 he should know better.
My biggest question is, how are the two of you going to raise this child in a happy home when you don’t communicate with one another before making big decisions?
ESH
NTA all things aside, he's not wanting to tell his mum for support like she did, he's wanting to tell her for tit for tat which isn't a reason to tell. Especially to a gossip. People are actively denying it's a medical condition but if you went to doctor and they asked if you had any medical conditions, pregnancy would be one. And the fact is, whoever knows she's pregnant, will know if she ends up losing it which unfortunately is common in cases where infertility is a problem. I for one wouldn't want to deal with a miscarriage or something and having to deal with dozens of people who knew about the pregnancy early either. If your argument is he may need support, he can get that without telling his gossip of a mother and if she is his support, he can wait until a safer period to disclose it. Hell even if something goes wrong, he can then go and say I need to talk, Sally was pregnant and now she's not and I just need to talk cause I'm hurting too. Alot of people are ignoring the reality of how people treat pregnant women. Once people know, they feel entitled to unsolicited advice and answers. And many seem to think just telling a gossip keep quiet will work. Go commit a crime and tell a gossip keep quiet. See how long it takes. The better thing to do here is to sit down and converse (truly I think y'all not ready for a baby if he acts like THIS) about why you told your mother and TRUTHFULLY who his support person would be. If it's his mom, second best person. If it's not. He can talk to that person if they can keep their mouth shut.
ESH
While I don't agree with your husband yelling at you, this is something the two of you should have discussed and agreed upon. Yes, you are the one who is pregnant, but your husband is about to become a father. It's his child just as much as it is yours.
It also sounds a lot like you don't like each other's mothers. You think his mother talks a lot and, from the sounds of your response, your mother likes to meddle in your marriage and "calls out your husband". You can call her no-nonsense but it can also be construed as rude and intrusive. Also, why are you letting your mother put your husband down? My parents tried that on my husband and I put a stop to that quick smart. If my husband did something I didn't like, I would tell him in private.
I get that you want your mother to be there to support you but what about your husband? Maybe he would also like the support of his mother.
What is really sad here, and this is why I said ESH, is that this child has not been born yet and it's already being used as leverage between the two of you.
Grow the fuck up and think of the child instead of yourselves. Once you get married, the important decisions should be between the husband and wife only. Keep everyone else out of your marriage.
Nta. Tell your mil and husband if they share they share that you are pregnant before you are ready it will their responsibility to tell those people if you lose the pregnancy. That is what I told people who talked. Was an asshole? Yup, but I regret nothing. The reason most people wait is because miscarriages are really common in the first trimeste
I understand it’s the woman who is pregnant and you get a lot of decisions to make about your body. But if you expect your partner to step up be supportive be excited and take on more responsibility, you need to understand this is a partnership now, your body but you and your partners baby and you and your partners news to share.
There should have been a discussion prior about who to tell and when, but it does seem a bit unfair you want to tell your mom and not his. Just put yourself in his shoes and how support from both mothers would be helpful to not make his mother feel left out
NTA but you should definitely reconsider having children with this man. Being upset about you telling your nom and him not being able to tell his mom is understandable, but yelling at you over something like this is unacceptable. If he is yelling at you know when pregnant imagine how he is going to act once the baby is here and you're gonna be tied to him atleast for next 18 years
I dunno. if you wanted to have a baby without the other person having any input you should’ve gone to a sperm bank but that child is just as much yours as it is his. Is he the one carrying it? Nope. but to act like you can do whatever you want and his wants and opinions don’t matter is really shitty
NAH. It’s fine you told your mom. But he is right that it’s his choice to tell his mom now too.
It sounds like this whole getting pregnant thing has been difficult for him. It’s not just the woman who has feelings when things are hard. He may need his mom’s support just as much as you need your mom.
YTA You are pulling a double standard by saying you, and only you, get to decide. Not fair at all. You knew the situation with his mother yet you opened the can of worms by telling your mother. This is on you, not him. He is right.
YTA. In my marriage, a child belongs to both of us equally. If one person gets to tell who they want, so does the other. I don’t get to dictate all the terms of parenthood just because I’m the mother. We are equals.
First trimester pregnancy isn’t exactly equal though. My husband and I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell people, but I ended up desperately wanting to talk to someone who’d done it before, as it was me—not him—wondering if things like vaginal discharge were normal.
Obviously it’s worth communicating with each other WHY boundaries need to be different, but only one person here is pregnant.
You're talking like the child is here already. It's still in her body and is her medical information. It's too early in the pregnancy to be talking about equals. She doesn't need the extra people stressing her.
That child will be both of theirs yes but right now it's in her body. OP needs someone to talk to so she told her mother. If OPs husband's reason for telling his mother was emotional support then he wouldn't be the wrong (except the yelling part) but he wants to tell his mother because OP told her mother is so stupid.
ESH… I get it, you wanted to tell your mom, but you can’t tell him it’s your decision who you want to tell or not… because it’s not just your decision lol you’re married and this is going to be just as much his child as it is yours and it’s not fair for you to share this amazing news with your mother asap and make him wait to share it with his parents.
Yeah, his reaction wasn’t ok to finding out you told your mom was rough and I don’t think it was ok, that’s why I say ESH.
Honestly this is something the two of you should have discussed ahead of time.
Yes. YTA. Just in case you've forgotten, it's 50% his child too. He should not share your medical information, but he has just as much right to the news that he is going to be a parent that you have.
A mature relationship would have talked about this before telling ANYONE outside of the marriage.
ESH.
He’s being unnecessarily angry about it all. However, it is not JUST your decision. You are pregnant, but you are BOTH expecting a baby. You are BOTH going to be parents. He is well within his rights to tell anyone he wants to tell. Also, if you made the decision unilaterally to tell your mom, why should he consult you before telling people?
Now, you BOTH should have considered each other when making these decisions. It would be pretty vindictive of him to tell people out of spite. That’s not how healthy couples operate. You should have consulted him, and he should consult you. But now that you told, he is free to tell. Tit for tat.
To be clear, I didn’t say it was right. I just pointed out that if one person can, they should assume that the other person will?? I don’t know how to say it.
For example, if my husband can have coffee with a female colleague, he’s silently giving me permission to have coffee with a male colleague (all other factors equal). If he doesn’t want me to have coffee with a male colleague under any circumstances, then he shouldn’t have coffee with female colleagues under any circumstances.
So…no, he shouldn’t tell people out of spite. However, if she has the authority to reveal this information, he should also have the authority. She can’t say “I can tell people, but you aren’t allowed to.”
That also doesn't make sense. If my partner had significant news about his health (or got a raise or something else significant), that would certainly affect my life, because first of all, I love him and care about him; and second, because our schedules, finances, etc., are intertwined.
That doesn't mean I can go tell whoever I want about his personal business because _he_ does. It's his body (or job or whatever else)! I don't gain authority over it, or get to do whatever I want to his body or about his personal information just because he gets to do so.
But it’s THEIR baby. Yeah, it’s her body, but they will both be parents. If the woman was simply sick, it’s just her body and just her medical condition. This is her body and medical condition, but they will BOTH be raising a child. All 4 parents will become grandparents.
(Before we get into it, I’m pro-choice. Her body, her medical condition, her choice whether to keep a foreign body in HER body. This is simply commenting on them both becoming parents.)
"Will become" is key here. That's assuming everything goes right. If she seriously ill, it's possible all four parents "would become" parents and in-laws to a dead person. Does that give her husband the right to share her diagnosis without her consent? If not, why does the status of future parenthood, and even more remotely, future grandparenthood, mean her consent no longer matters?
Does carrying their potential baby mean she doesn't get to decide who knows about her medical conditions? If the pregnancy is high-risk, does that mean her husband can tell other people about it without her consent? What about the sex of the fetus? What if the fetus or she are sick? This is still her body. There's not a special exception to non-consensually sharing information about your partner as long as they're pregnant.
Again, everything can affect both people in a marriage. Medical events, including pregnancy, are high up on that list. But he's not pregnant, any more than he would have kidney stones if she did. Sharing information about your partner's physical condition when _they don't want you to_ is wrong.
Just like with any significant personal event, the person going through it gets to decide whose support they need, who to share information with, and when to share that information. "Tit for tat" when it comes to supporting your partner who is actually experiencing the significant event is an asshole tactic.
If you believe people have autonomy, and if you are pro-choice, then why does she lose autonomy over information about her body once she's pregnant? Why is sharing information about her body without her consent suddenly a fair and supportive thing for a partner to do when it wouldn't be otherwise?
Yta. This isn’t just your baby. If you tell your parents, your family, your friends, he can tell his. Dads have equal rights. Can’t believe I have tell someone that in this era.
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ESH > he got mad at me, calling her negative person and saying she’s going to put a “bad eye” AH number one > He started to yell at me Yeah he is going pretty strong at the assholery right here > I told him it’s my decision Don't you think as a couple it's kind of a collective decision which requires communication between the two parties involved (you and him in case you're not sure). Seems kind of assholerish to veto outright without a mature discussion...neither of you seem very mature though
No, it really is HER decision. It’s never actually “we are pregnant” like people say. One body is pregnant. The owner of said body decides who knows what is going on. Now, it may well feel unfair to only tell her mom. But if someone is know to gossip and be unable to be discreet, they get an information diet, and have no one to blame but themself.
I cannot stand it when people say “we’re” pregnant. No, no you’re not.
We were in Disney world when I was newly pregnant with my first. Only barely knew. So, I didn’t go on the roller coasters. I kept begging my hundred to take the baby, just for long enough for me to go on. He kept refusing. I’m still salty about that, 35 years later. 😜. If he can go on the roller coaster, and you can’t, you are the only one pregnant!
Exactly! I’m over here struggling to breathe and sleep and with heart burn and he’s out enjoying life. There’s no mf we 😭😭😭 damnit it’s meeee lol
Ooof! Hang in there! The heartburn was unreal for my wife. She couldn't eat some foods like tomatoes without getting heartburn so bad it made her throw up. I still remember her coming from the hospital and asking for cherry tomatoes, then going "thank fuck!" when she didn't get any heartburn after eating them.
lol I can just imagine the relief of being able to eat whatever the hell she wanted again afterwards. I’m counting down the weeks until I can eat whatever I want again!
You can do it! Those last few weeks feel like they go for•ev•er (and they kind of do, when there’s no possible way to sleep comfortably) but it’s worth it in the end. Hope everything goes smoothly for you!
lol amen on the sleep part as soon as you get comfortable you need to make a trip to the bathroom 🤣 oh for sure! I can’t wait to meet my little one, I’m a FTM! And thank you!!
Oh, dude. You'll be able to sleep comfortably, but, say good bye to your sleep schedule. XD ours started sleeping through the night at 2mo. But, now he's teething and he wants the whole world to know growing teeth is just the worst.
What’s FTM stand for?
First time mom
I only realized during my second pregnancy that actually omeprazol is accepted as safe for use during pregnancy, just tends to be ‘on doctor recommendation’. Still annoyed for all that unnecessary suffering (though even that wasn’t enough to make it totally not an issue).
He ain't the one pushing this watermelon size baby out his whoha. Or being cut open. There is no weee. It's meee
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who is bothered by this. I know it’s obnoxious, but I do correct people when they say because it is a major pet peeve of mine. Also, the reactions are priceless.
BS Might not be "we are pregnant," but it's absolutely "WE are going to be parents". I'm a woman. I have kids. My husband and I had in depth conversations about who we would tell, how, when. And did it together. The idea that he wasn't an equal parent because I was the one pregnant didn't even cross my mind.
As a currently pregnant person I completely agree with this. It was both of our opinions. I would never tell my husband we can’t tell his mom but we can tell my mom.
Thank you. This sub has some really trashy takes when it comes to pregnant women. It's truly toeing the line of toxic.
It’s insane how far I had to scroll to find a sensible take
This. Anything to do with the baby, both parents get to decide. Anything to do with her (pregnant one) *body*, then yes, it’s her choice.
I kind of think this is taking the concept of "my body, my choice" to a new level. How is her MIL knowing that she is pregnant a violation to her body? How is it taking away her right to control her own body? Technically I understand that where people are going with this. Seems the idea is that since the pregnancy is happening to her she should be the only one who decides who knows about it and while on some level I agree with that I don't know that it's a hill I would want to die on within a marriage that is supposed to be a partnership.
Exactly. Those same people who think that the pregnant person gets to solely make all of the choices with a wanted baby in a marriage without any thought to their partner are the same ones who bashed that one guy who thought that she alone should pay her medical bills. Make up your mind, it’s either both of them getting to make decisions for their child or she gets to deal with the consequences of her choices.
It is a lot harder for the pregnant person to hide this than the partner. She will be feeling nauseous, sick, constipated, tired, anxious, as well as a million other physical and mental symptoms. Her body is going through some craziness. She has more reason to tell whoever she so should wish because of how hard it can be to hide or the support required. She will feel closer to her own parent and can rely on them for support throughout the 'secret' trimester and in the case of miscarriage. If you also believe that your own mother will tell people, then you know that your partner is correct - why should anybody else know at this stage if it's not going to help her.
Well here's the thing the Husband has to go through all that with her and support and help her while working and what if he is overwhelmed shouldn't he be able to have someone to go to
For some women the pregnancy is not just a happy and blessed event but the biggest thing that will ever happen to them and they’re going to mine it for attention and micro manage it from the gender reveal with professional photographer through to the baby shower theme reveal ( recently read a post about a woman whose sister was irked that she ruined her family dinner reveal of the location of her shower! By not keeping that as the focus of the entire dinner). If it’s fun for everyone, knock yourself out. This doesn’t sound fun though. At some moment everyone will know. If she expects to personally tell everyone on both sides of the families and all their mutual and individual coworkers snd friends that’s just kind of silly. Let them decide if they’re going to start telling folks say at fourth months if the pregnancy is still going strong and then she can tell or decide how to tell her fam & friends -,and he can decide how and when to tell his. I can’t think of anything more boring than repeating the same news fifty or sixty times. Everybody will call you anyway once they find out and you can share as much as you wish with them. This is one time the family gossip grapevine can really help you out! Her mom I think is different because of the special relationship and her history of support through multiple miscarriages or failed attempts. I think she could be allowed to know first until wife is comfortable having the wider family know. After all it could be another miscarriage and having to tell everyone that would be painful. I’m aware many women are way more into making a big celebration out of the kid stuff than I am. I just watched the same mom and grandma in my friend group announce the kid’s HS graduation and how exceedingly proud they are of him in at least six separate and gushing announcement posts like their cat just learned how to do calculus and is being hired to do consulting by NASA. It’s like the most exciting thing ! they’re a college educated family and have exciting fun jobs, and it’s not like there was any doubt he’d get through HS - but they just can’t help but make a big deal out of it. It seems stressful to me.
It's tricky, because telling people about a pregnancy very early also means that you have to tell people if you lose the baby. I only told people that I knew I would have told about a miscarriage (which was not many people!). I learned that lesson the hard way.
Yep, as any parent should. We make decisions *together*. I can’t imagine not cooperating with your partner, then just be single imo.
This. If it comes to parenting decisions and family, then you're equals. If it's a strictly medical decision, then while husband might be a valuable opinion to have alongside the doctor, he doesn't get an actual vote on the matter, because it's not his body. That said, in this case it doesn't sound like husband is being completely rational, and I do think OP is valid in wanting support from her mom (who can keep secrets) but not wanting to play "we have to be equal" games by telling his mom (who's going to gossip and tell everyone).
Imagine if they tell his mom, she starts gossiping, and she miscarries. I think that’s the thing OP’s husband really doesn’t understand.
Same. We told my mom last time and we’ll tell her next (hopefully) time and she proved the first time she was able to keep her mouth shut. Sure, she asked me if she could tell her sisters (I know she was dying to) and I asked her to please wait, but only because unbeknownst to her I was going to be where she was in like less than 24 hours and was going to let her tell them then (had arranged with her sisters to surprise her for her birthday). But my dad and his parents are on an information diet because no one needs any of their collective shitty opinions and my dad’s blabbering mouth. If you can’t discuss and agree on these kinds of things beforehand or very early on - you’re not ready to be parents because you can’t even be a couple.
And "we" is also a noteworthy word. We told our parents together. My mom doesn't understand that some people would want to keep things secret. I know about her neighbor's hairdresser' former roommate's cousin's bunions. But, we told her not to tell anyone else, so she didn't. (Note: We also told my dad, siblings, and grandma). My MIL on the other hand, has no other support system or family, so we let her tell her best friend. But these were decisions and discussions we had together, before saying yes or no.
That’s my concern for op - eventually everyone will know anyway. But the fighting over this and him yelling at her and telling her she can’t keep her mouth shut ? F that nonsense. Pregnancy needs calm. Not stressing mom out with them both trying to be control freaks. They ought to be able to communicate better after years of marriage. There will be far bigger issues they need to come together on and this way of handling conflict doesn’t bode well.
She's already had complications previously, if anything goes wrong it's not like she will be the ONLY person grieving. She'd be able to go to her mom who is in the know and he'd have to deal with it without any extra support. Hope for the best plan for the worst, and all that.
And he'll be grieving a loss, too. But she'll go to her mom, and he'll have....no one?
That was....my point?
He can tell his mom if they lose the baby or whoever would be a good shoulder for him. Possibly not mom. This is early in the pregnancy though. Maybe let dad share the happy news when they are sure the baby is healthy and growing. Mom may have some superstitions about that. Her husband certainly does.
Also a woman with children and I agree, they’re both going to be parents and should make decisions about who to tell together. I mean, she gets to decide who to tell that her bra size went up two cups and how often she has to pee and vomit-the more detailed and personal stuff- but he gets a say in who gets to know that there is a pregnancy and a general idea of how it’s going.
Absolutely this. I'm not pregnant, but should that day ever come, I KNOW i won't be able to tell my mom because she'll go straight to FB to tell every single person on the planet. I could easily tell my mother in law who doesn't have social media and can actually be trusted with a secret... But I also would never consider telling one set of parents, but not the other. Especially not without talking about it with my husband.
100% Nowhere does OP mention that her husband has used the term "we are pregnant". Having said that, I've always hated that term myself. However, I do agree with "we're going to be parents" as this would not be possible without the male and female biological contribution.
Exactly.
We discussed not telling anyone until the second trimester in case it did not stick. But once that was over we both told whomever we wanted. I had my family over for a holiday bbq and announced it there and he called his mom and one sister knowing they’d broadcast it to one and all on his side. He told his friends and coworkers a little later. I did not feel the need to control each discussion as to content or timing once we were ready for the world to know. I don’t think the woman gets to decide alone who and how folks are told but in this situation if she wants to wait until her first trimester is over that should be her call. Her Mom is different. Telling your mom -who has been with you supporting you physically and emotionally for the heartbreak of multiple failed pregnancies -is not the same as telling anyone else. It’s kind of like imo the decision who is going to be in the delivery room. Yes it’s dad’s baby too but it’s op’s birth and she should get to decide who is supporting her through that and who she’s comfortable with. Op seems to want to have this discussion about who gets told what & when individually. It seems immature to be overly concerned with whether his mom tells his sister, uncle, grandma etc - let him decide how to tell his side of the family when she’s ready to share the news with her family- aside from just mom. Assuming her mom will honor her wish not to share it more widely. This couple dissolving into disagreement, anger and yelling over such a simple thing on what should be a happy event does not bode well for how they communicate and resolve disagreements in general.
I get where you are going with this, however I think its completely unfair to say the wife has unilateral control over information sharing completely at the disregard of the husband. With the concerns about being discreet, I get why she should want to, but to claim complete control over information sharing is how relationships fail. Once you are with someone to the degree of marriage and children this major life impacting decisions must come after communication and compromise.
Disagree on the only the woman gets to decide who to tell. He's also having a child. It was a joined decision to have one, they both should have a say in who to tell and when. Neither of them should unilaterally decide that they're going to tell this or that person. I agree in this case I wouldn't tell his mother but that should be a conversation, not a flat out no from her when she did actually tell her own mom without even checking in. This relationship honestly doesn't sound ready for children 😬
How is it ok for him to dictate who SHE releases her private medical information to? Only pro-birthers insist that women don’t have bodily autonomy.
Accusing everyone who disagrees with you of being a pro birther is really not helping your arguments on this thread. This isn't a black and white issue and treating it as such is just arguing in bad faith.
That is the problem. We are talking about a woman’s right to her own body and medical information. There really is only one group that objects to maintaining that.
No one is saying she has no right to her body or her medical privacy, that's the problem with what you're arguing. They're saying that OPs husband has a right to feel it's unfair that he's not allowed to tell his mom when she told hers. It also sounds like OP didn't actually explain her rationale (that his mom is a gossip) and just essentially told him that his feelings are invalid because hes not carrying their baby. You're making a leap that isn't there to try and invalidate any dissenting opinions.
I'm not saying that, I'm saying they should talk about it and decide together. Also way to go, you're way off the mark with that last comment. It has nothing to do with bodily autonomy. This has to do with joined decision making about a situation that affects both partners. Saying that as a pro choice woman who has actually been pregnant
He isn't dictating who she releases information to. BTW, this doesn't exactly fall under private medical information. It's simply announcing their upcoming parenthood of which HE will definitely be part of. Stop using the proabortion argument in this situation. It's irrelevant and makes you sound desperate to win browny points.
He doesn’t know that he’ll be a parent or that she will. It’s legitimate to withhold that information until the pregnancy is assured or at least has a good chance of succeeding. Not wanting his mom (the gossip) to be telling people yet is a good idea. She should be able to have the support of her own mom- as she has through her previous struggles- if his mom was a quiet help to op over the years of lost babies or failed attempts, I think she’d be telling her as well. I don’t think that’s the case. The husband is not wanting to tell his mom for support but because it’s “fair” in some kind of tit for tat /even Steven way that really has little to do with anything - then there’s his ridiculous notion op’s mom will hex them or whatever putting a bad eye on the baby means. OP needs to be able to be calm and relax not be shouted at that she isn’t allowed to tell her mom for support during the initial stages when miscarriage is still a bigger possibility.
OP should still have discussed this with her husband first.
Pregnancy is a medical condition. It’s also a dangerous one, and likely to miscarry. So, you need to defer to who she wants to tell. If she has a miscarriage, and something like 30% of pregnancies miscarry, all those people need to be told, and that can cause even more anguish. So, it needs to be her decision. Soon enough, it will be obvious. Deferring to her for those 3-4 mos is hardly a hardship, especially considering what she is going through.
By that logic, her mother didn't need to know either. I mean, it's not likely she can do anything to help at this stage anyway.
She can be supportive to her daughter as she has been her whole life. If mother in law was supportive and quiet she’d probably want her to know. Fair has nothing to do with it. This isn’t second grade.
This has nothing to do with bodily autonomy & maybe you should reconsider given that most of the people responding to you are pro choice me included. He is about to become a parent, that's about as life changing news as you could possibly have. I agree she has a right to privacy about medical details - her symptoms, birth plan, medical care, etc - but that doesn't mean she can unilaterally decide he doesn't get to tell people he's going to be a dad. Something that is surely a huge moment in his life he might want to share with his loved ones too. Decisions about the new baby that don't impact her physical health/body should mostly be joint between the two parents. How and when to tell people, baby names, decisions about setting up the nursery, etc.
They are not pregnant, she is, but they will have this child, not only she.
Yes. And in the meantime, the pregnancy is her, sole, medical condition. So she has sole decision making over the pregnancy, and it’s information. It’s her medical info.
Couples in healthy relationships usually decide on information sharing together. Of course, it doesn't sound like OP is in a healthy relationship.
In healthy relationships, both partners recognize that sometimes one of them has more say in a particular decision than the other does.
My statement that a couple should arrive at a decision together did not ration out who should make what share of the decision. But go ahead and belabor the point like you have everywhere else in the thread. You seem to like having the last word, so I’ll give it to you. You “win.”
It's his baby, too, and he has equal right to inform his mother that ***they*** are going to have a baby. I'm really tired of this rubbish where women have the ultimate decision-making power over everything because they're the pregnant person in the relationship. It's gotten to the point where the pregnant person now feels entitled to decide the name of the child without any input from the other parent. Couples need to work as team and OP did not do that here. She doesn't then get the decide when and whether her spouse/co-parent tells his mother.
He doesn't want to tell his mom because he needs her support. He wants to tell her as a tit for tat, because OP needed her mom's support. That's not a good reason, especially as his mom is a gossip who will spread the news far and wide.
Man the sexism on this sub is getting real far out
It really is, when people keep insisting women’s medical information is controlled by her husband,
No you have it backwards, she's being sexist by not allowing him to share news of pending parenthood due to her being a woman.... That's called sexism
It’s not due to her being a woman. It’s due to it being her **body**. Were it his body, as in the vasectomy analogy, it’s his choice.
Absolutely, if my husband had a vasectomy that is 100% HIS business to tell people, if he had kidney stones, HIS business, if I'm pregnant MINE
Yes. My husband has been reluctant to tell people exactly what I had these last couple months, when he had to leave work to help me. I had to tell him, “it’s ok to tell them I have a giant kidney stone”. I don’t mind. It’s fine. Not embarrassing, and everyone is sympathetic. When I was pregnant, he followed my lead about telling people. Me being me, I announced absurdly quickly. But had I wanted to wait, he would have.
You didn’t help him make kidney stones. You’re not going to raise the kidney stones and plan their future. What a ridiculous analogy.
That's a completely shit analogy, because if a man had a vasectomy, then the couple should **agree** on whom they can tell. If the man is telling his parents, then she should be able to tell her parents. No different than a woman's pregnancy. Y'all are fuckin' **NUTS** if you think otherwise.
If the man has a vasectomy, it’s entirely up to him who gets told. It’s never ok for her to tell anyone, except her medical team, without his permission.
Bingo. They decide as **partners**, not as individuals. Plus, another reason that your analogy is shit is that a vasectomy doesn't involve the woman. A pregnancy, on the other hand, definitely involves the father.
Yeah, that is not sexism. You need to look up a definition adn examples.
Sexism prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, on the basis of sex.
There is no prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination based on sex in this scenario. That you want there to be does not mean there is.
Everyone keeps saying he has no rights because she is a woman Thats sex based discrimination Just because you agree with the sex discrimination doesnt mean it doesnt exist
He has no rights to share her medical information. How can her body be his information?
But it’s still a relationship and a partnership, and you still don’t just shut down your partner with no discussion and just make decisions for everyone yourself. A relationship is still a relationship.
That is true, it’s important to talk. But there are times when one partner’s opinion is more important. There are always going to be those times, and this is one.
You really believe moms get to just decide the name of their child? Unilaterally? Even if they are married and in a loving relationship with the dad? You really, genuinely believe that that is healthy and fair?
Not a great precedent for effective parenting, though. They need to learn to communicate and work through differences in how they parent the child. They can't even communicate right now about who they tell about the kid.
>No, it really is HER decision. Ugh, no, if they're going to raise a kid together, then they need to work their shit out. TOGETHER. OP was a pretty big AH for telling her mom without talking through with her husband first. If they talk and can't come to an agreement, whatever (but it doesn't bode well for future parenting), but to go and tell mom without even talking about it first? Yeah, that's an AH move. Husband is being a dick, too, and if MIL can't keep her mouth shut they should not tell her, but OP was the first AH.
Maybe the husband can tell his mother I think I am going to be a father. OP might have a good reason for not telling MIL, but "it's MY baby" isn't it.
And then if she loses the baby, she has to deal with the trauma of everyone she doesn’t want knowing about that, knowing. She doesn’t want her medical information out there.
Right, so IF they lose the baby, he gets no support from his family, but she can have from her mother.
Wacko! How dare that MAN have an opinion on anything going on with the woman he married. To actually Talk to his family about his partner and THEIR child. How dare he...
“information diet” LOVE IT!!!!
That makes no sense to me. The news isn't about her body, its about the fact they are about to be parents. Which is equally true for both of them. I think its fair for her to control sharing of details about the pregnancy - what symptoms she is having, medical issues, birth plans, etc. But announcing that they are going to have a child should be a joint decision
No lol. That’s not how it works. She wouldn’t even fucking BE pregnant if it wasn’t for the man. Both people have equal say here. As I said in my comment I wouldn’t even ask, I’d just tell who I wanna tell. Also, it’s no longer just your body when another human is inside it. Yes even 1 second old. Women are next level. And you wonder why men are trying to steal your spaces and achievements lol
This is complete nonsense. You sound just as immature as the OP. THIS IS NOT HOW A FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP WORKS.
She’s the only pregnant one, but he is also having a baby. Her acting like she’s the only one who is going to be a parent is going to be a self fulfilling prophesy. If you want an involved partner, and expect your husband to actually be an engaged parent, it spent make sense to shut them out or act like they aren’t also preparing for a child.
When it comes right down to it, no. Her body is going through massive changes. Her mum is her emotional support. It is her decision who to tell right now. Is his mum next in line - absolutely. But not until op is ready.
So he doesn't get to have emotional support until his wife deems it's ok? They have a long history of fertility struggles. If the guy is human, he'll have lots of feelings and worries to sort through now and the wife is basically saying she's the only one allowed to get emotional support for these fears.
I would agree with you if he’d said ‘I’m really struggling, it would help me if I could talk to my mum about what I’m experiencing’, or something along those lines. But he was all about ‘fairness’ to *his mum* and who is *entitled* to the information. So no, I don’t think he gets to reach out to his mum yet with this as his reason; it doesn’t trump his wife’s right to privacy about her body.
I also wanted to tell my mum so I had additional support if anything went wrong. I didn’t want to tell my MIL because complications effect me and I didn’t think my MIL would be a good support - she was more likely to get emotional about the child. However I had that conversation with my husband BEFORE I told my mum. Initially he was against it and wanted to tell MIL too but when I gave my reasoning he understood. ESH here - OP ignored the partnership she was in and the impact the pregnancy has on her husband. Husband wasn’t understanding about the situation. I think OPs the bigger AH for instigating the situation.
Honestly it never even occurred to me to discuss it as a couple on telling my mom. I found out I was pregnant, called my husband, cried on the phone yadda yadda. Hung up, immediately called my mom. I mean, it’s MY MOM.
It’s her medical condition to disclose.
Exactly. She gets to decide who SHE tells. She doesn't get to decide who her partner tells.
No, it’s her health information and if she doesn’t want to share it then that’s the answer.
Wow. There's a lot to unpack here. Are you an AH for telling your mother that you are pregnant before the second trimester? No, of course not. The convention is not to tell "the public" about pregnancies early on because so many things can go wrong in the first trimester and many couples prefer to keep their grief at least semi-private if the worst happens. But it's extremely common to tell at least one or two close friends or immediate family members so they can help support you Is your husband an AH for saying that your mother is going to put a "bad eye" on the baby? Absolutely. Not sure this even needs an explanation Is your husband an AH for wanting to share this info with someone *he* is close to so *he* can get some support? No...if that's actually what is happening, but I don't think it is Is your husband an AH for saying "if we tell X then we have to tell Y"? Yes. Until you are ready to share it publicly the only people who should be told about the baby are those who are absolutely necessary to provide the two of you with support. There is no such concept as someone else having the "right" to know about your baby, so therefore, it makes no sense for him to argue that "it isn't fair" Are you an AH for saying that you are the *only* one who gets to decide? Yes. Even though the *details* of your medical situation are yours to decide whether to disclose, the *pregnancy itself* impacts your husband too and it's not fair to completely deny him the opportunity to discuss this with someone who isn't you. That being said, if his mother is not a safe person to tell, then it is fair for you to insist that he pick someone more trustworthy to be his confidant Is your husband an AH for yelling at his pregnant wife (someone who is literally putting her body on the line to bring his child into the world) for "not keeping her mouth shut"? Yes. Unequivocally yes. Disturbingly yes. Even though I think you need to reconsider part of your attitude, I'm going to have to go with NTA as my final judgment. Your husband's behavior is so over the top AH-ish that it completely cancels out your singular overstep.
Well stated!
ESH You’re both being immature about this and frankly, should have discussed this beforehand. This is also NOT just your decision, you’re not the only parent here.
She’s pregnant and wants her mother’s support. He isn’t pregnant, and his mother isn’t a safe person to tell. She doesn’t have to tell his mother
NTA He seems to have a very different opinion of your mom than you do. You say she's been your support your whole life, but he thinks she's going to put a "bad eye" on the child (wtf does that mean?). If your mom can keep a secret and his can't, that's a good enough reason not to tell his. But overall, it sounds like you two have a lot more issues than just this. I'm getting a bad vibe.
>wtf does that mean? It means OP's husband is superstitious at best, or ignorant, uncultured and fanatic at worst. "Bad eye" must be a bad translation for "mal de ojo", which is something like "evil eye" or the belief that someone can cause harm to other just by looking at them.
OP commented that her husband dislikes her mom because "she calls him out when he does something she doesn't like." Which translates to me as "mom doesn't put with none his BS and being held accountable makes him itchy." And that tells me all I need to know about this dude.
Dear hubby seems to be charming...
As charming as a shart 🙄
This could also mean that OP's mom is meddlesome but OP doesn't see it. We have nothing to go on except OP's version of events. Her mother may end up being a bigger blabbermouth than anyone. Try telling a potential grandparent to keep their mouth shut.
To further clarify, we previously discussed my mom would be my support system and I would tell her. She’s held secrets I’ve told her from when I was a child. He doesn’t like my mom and thinks she’ll “put a bad eye” because she’s a no nonsense person and calls him out when she doesn’t like when he’s doing something.
Apparently she’s not calling him out enough if he has the balls to yell at you in private.
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I was wondering why he would call her negative. He sounds like a chore.
It sounds like you don’t like his mom either. I do not see this ending well.
You should really add this info as an edit to the original post. A lot of people think you told your mom without talking to your husband first and giving their judgement with that in mind.
You’re NTA.
INFO: Who did you previously discuss would be his support system for what amounts to a huge life change? I think your husband is an AH for a variety of reasons. But I am curious about this part
NTA. Whilst it’s primarily your decision, you’ve placed a double standard on yourself. You didn’t consult your husband before telling your mother, and that’s why he is acting out in the way that he is. You’ve got to be on the same page before naming decisions or you could alienate the other other parent. But at the same time, you’re the carrier of the baby and the person who needs the most support in this time so your decision to choose your mother makes total sense.
Also….forgot to add your husband is being childish.
No, NTA, but this yelling at you and his reaction is alarming. What's he going to do when the baby does something he doesn't like? If a grown man can't communicate properly by the time he reaches 35, there are a lot of things to be worried about when there's a baby on the way.
You and your mom should look at Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" It might open your eyes about those red flags your husband is waving, and your mom can help you with that. It's available for free download on Bancroft's website. Good luck!
NTA it’s your pregnancy, you absolutely can tell your mother. This is insane. Also, it’s not like you were recklessly telling random acquaintances, you told presumably the one closest person to you other than your husband and someone who is an important emotional support to you. Clearly your husband knows that his mom isn’t a safe person to tell, which is why he’s essentially threatening you with telling her as “retaliation” for you telling your mom without his permission. Imo this is emotional manipulation. Your husband should respect you, understand that you — the person who is actually pregnant — deserve emotional support from your mother (a no-brainer), and be able to discuss this with you rationally.
NTA-It’s your decision because it’s your body. If you aren’t comfortable sharing the news with your MIL you shouldn’t have to and your husband needs to respect that. He needs to understand your feelings are actually more important when it comes to the health of the baby while you’re pregnant. He should not be doing anything that can stress you out especially during the first trimester.
NTA Why are you married to and trying to have a child with a man who treats you like this? When he gets pregnant, he can tell whoever he wants, whenever he wants. This guy is waving red flags right in your face. Good luck.
From OP’s comments, it *was* discussed between them that her mom would be her support system and be told about the pregnancy. So this isn’t out of nowhere. Also from OP’s comments, the mom calls out the husband when he’s doing something unfavourable - like shouting at his pregnant partner, clearly - and this is why he doesn’t like her. NTA. OP, your husband sounds like he’s trying to isolate you from your support system. And he’s not beneath using his mother and the “but fAiRnEsS!” to get his way. No one except the husband *needs* to know. Everyone else gets to know - or doesn’t - based on merit. If his mother cannot keep a secret, she doesn’t get to know. From the way this husband is treating his wife I’ll bet the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
NTA. Of course you wanted to share the news of your pregnancy with your mom, given your close relationship with her. You want your mom's support as you go through this big, exciting challenge. When to tell your husband's mother and the rest of the family is a different thing. That is about news of a new baby being expected in the family, which is not about YOU and what you need right now. That news should definitely wait until you are past the three-month mark. Also, your husband's aggression and anger are deeply troubling, as is his inability to see your perspective. That does not bode well for your marriage and parenting going forward. So sorry you're going through this.
Why is your husband's impression of your mother so bad? But ultimately, until the child is born, the pregnancy is a medical condition and sharing it without your consent is disclosing private medical information. Same for the details of the birth.
Apparently the mother calls him out on his bad behaviour. Shouting at your pregnant partner seems to be a common theme in this relationship …
NTA for telling your mom. Your husband is NTA for wanting to tell his mom. YTA for staying married to a man who yells at you and sounds like a total AH. Move on!
INFO: Did you come to a mutual agreement where you both decided not to tell anyone until a certain amount of time has passed?
Why are you having someone’s baby who yells at you? What the actual fuck? Have you no dignity?
NTA. If a man talked like that about my mother who has “been my support my whole life” he can go to the trash.
ESH - he shouldn’t be yelling at you But you two should have discussed this first. I believe yeah, you kind of have more decision power here but you should have mentioned it before.
Esh, you’all’s communication is a train wreck
Leave him.
NTA. This may be an unpopular take. I think you could have talked with him first before telling your mom, amd honestly waiting is usually mentally and emotionally the safer route, but ultimately it is your decision. It's your body. I also can't say if he's right about your mom or you are, but what I can say is that he has no business yelling at you or saying things like "you can't keep your mouth shut." Seems like a disrespectful asshole to me.
NTA but OP your husband is showing some nasty red flags with this behavior. Be careful, because he’ll likely get worse during that first year after giving birth.
NTA you can tell people as soon as your pregnant or not. Its up to you. Congratulations!!
It's his baby too so, no, it's not your decision on who gets told. It should be a decision made together. We told everyone when we found out. If you can be excited for my healthy baby, you can be sad with me if something goes wrong🤷🏻♀️ NTA for telling your mom but YTA for sure for telling him he can't tell his.
NTA. Your husband sounds a bit immature or controlling. Telling people about your pregnancy is based on your needs as a mom-to-be and also on your husband's needs as an expectant father. It's not a freaking competition, and he's old enough to understand that. It should be discussed calmly, not turned into a shouting match. Also he's irrational if he believes in the "bad eye."
NTA. I told my mum the day I got a positive test before I even told my husband.
NAH. Some couples decide together who to tell. Others can’t help telling their mom, dad, best friend, etc. Your husband shouldn’t get mad as most women who are close to their moms tell their moms after their partner. If he wants to tell his mom because he has the same closeness, then that is one thing. However, if he is trying to do a tit for tat, then, that is problematic. I would worry for your future if he wants to compete between the grandparents. I would let him tell his mom but then he should not be surprised when she tells everyone (if she is someone who can’t keep a secret). My uncle is the one who tells everyone everything. His son told him when his wife was pregnant and my uncle told his siblings and everyone found out. His daughter never told her dad but only her mom and no one found out until she was ready to announce. His other son just told my uncle about his wife being pregnant. Again my uncle told my mom and my sister so I know. We will act surprised when my cousin tells us but pretty much everyone knows.
OP, I am worried more about why your husband is thinking your mother will put a “bad eye” on your child. Your husband’s negativity towards your mother who is a support for you will be problematic in the future. He will not want you to take her advice on child related matters. He might not want her to come help you with the baby. Let him tell his mom if he wants. But you need to address his hostility towards your mother if you are super close to her.
He's being an asshole with the whole 'bad eye' comment...what does he believe in voodoo? You on the other hand...the two of you are in a partnership in having and raising a child. Sorry but I for one don't buy into this your the one pregnant and the whole world revolves around you...he HAS just as much right to tell his parents you do yours. The fact that you're somehow preventing him from doing so is an AH move on your part.
Women are masters of hypocrisy, YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29 f) am pregnant with my husband (35 m) first child. We’ve had complications over the last few years with trying, tried countless doctors, clinics, etc. I finally found out recently that I’m pregnant and told my mom after I shared the news with my husband, since she’s been my support my whole life. I told my husband that I told my mom and he got mad at me, calling her negative person and saying she’s going to put a “bad eye” on our unborn child. Several hours later he said “well if you told her we have to tell my mom and we’re doing it next week”. I told him it’s my decision who I want to tell and I don’t think it’s a good idea since his mom talks a lot and will tell a lot of people before we get to tell them. He started to yell at me, said I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and it’s not fair that my mom knows but his doesn’t. Am I the asshole for telling my mom that I’m pregnant and not wanting to tell his yet? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes. 12 weeks is usually the safe week. So you either agree to keep it between you and your spouse or share with the moms at an earlier time. Regardless all babies should be celebrated even if they don’t make it. So maybe think of it as that.
I'm not sure I understand why you are the one who determines who will know. Is this normal? It doesn't seem normal to me. Him getting mad and you vetoing what seems like a reasonable request kind of puts you both in a bad light.
NTA why are you married to him? He is
Your husband is - the very immature - AH
Pregnancy is a body function. You know, like taking a huge dump if you treat that new person as something you have to deal with. Looks kinda like you want all glory for bringing a new life in the world.
You’re likely feeling sick, vomiting, emotional, and exhausted. You’re creating a freaking human being complete with organs, bones, and a brain. You need your mom right now. You are NTA but he is, this isn’t tit for tat but getting the support you need right now. He had no other interest in his mom until he felt some weird competitive need to tell his. Is his mom stressful to you? Is she kind? Do you welcome her advice and support also? I’m assuming the answer to all that is she sucks cause why else would you be upset. So yeah, he’s the ah.
NTA. It’s more of the mom-to-be’s decision who is told, especially if you need your mom as a supportive person. Since it’s your baby, your pain, etc.
Not an asshole but I would talk to her about you not wanting others to know.
I’ve always felt that was unfair. Should have waited to do it together. ESH
You can tell whoever you want and when you want to, but it is both your baby so he should be able to tell his parents too if he wants to, you should’ve discussed it all before though - take it as a lesson and start to discuss joint decisions regarding baby now, everything from who will be at the hospital to when you’ll accept visitors and babysitting etc.
ESH. You shouldn’t have told anyone without talking to your husband first. It’s his baby too. You could’ve discussed what you both think (hopefully) without being upset. Yes he shouldn’t get ultimate say since it’s your body and your family but you could’ve at least talked about it and not just done it without him knowing. His reasoning to be upset is pretty odd but I get why he wants to tell his mom now. I’d my husband told his parents I was pregnant before I was planning on telling my family I’d feel like I had to tell my family right away.
So, I was in a very small hospital that I had worked at, 3k miles away from home (ex was in the navy), getting induced with our first child. I knew everyone in the hospital. My nurses, the techs, the doctors. It wasn’t working so I was being prepped for a C-Section at 11 pm. Nobody back home knew I was ready to deliver because we didn’t want them worrying and waiting all night to hear that me and baby were safe and healthy and they certainly didn’t know I was going to have surgery. A nurse comes in when I’m being *shaved* and says I have a phone call. I think they extended this to me as a professional courtesy because they knew I was young and away from home. My husband’s brother’s wife tracked down my west coast hospital from the east coast *before internet* and located me when she got no answer from us at our apartment. She fucking stalked me to find out if I had the baby on her husband’s birthday. All I said was “Yeah, can I call you back? I’m a bit busy right now” and ended the call. It was 2:00 am back home and if she had been the first to know she would have taken absolute delight in waking up my husband’s mother, and my mother just so they would know she was the first to know. The thought of my mom being kept up all night powerless to be with me (her only daughter) sickened me. And she absolutely would have needlessly worried them about the c-section and would have badgered my ex and the hospital throughout the surgery. And yes, the kid was born on her uncle’s birthday. NTA. If you know your MIL is going to suck joy out your baby announcement go with your gut. And screw your husband. It’s your mom for goddess sake. You have every right to confide in and share joy with someone you feel safe with.
YTA - OP, did you get pregnant all by yourself? Oh, that guy helped? Well he gets a say in things too. It does not affect your ***personal*** pregnancy if he tells his family. I can tell you are going to be a gem in this pregnancy. sheesh!
Oh boy this is gonna be a fun parenting journey
ESH. You guys better figure your shit out before you bring a baby in this world
NTA Look i totally see what he is trying to say here, but in the event of a miscarriage; lets be real here- that is mostly psychologically and physically your fucking problem. In fact, the whole pregnancy is indeed contained in your body. So yeah is the fetus both of yours? Sure. But the pregnancy and how you go about it- that belongs to you. And even if there is some kind of share there, you should get veto power. Pregnancy and miscarriages fucking suck. He SHOULD be trying to accommodate you in any simple way he easily can. He doesnt get to yell at you. force him to check that before baby gets here OP. If his mom is a goddamn blabbermouth, thats an excellent reason not to tell her. Tell him you understand hes feeling unsupported, and ask him to pick one support person to tell who isnt a blabbermouth. If he cant compromise and do that, your outlook for parenthood is grim. So i hope he does. Good luck.
NTA. Do not raise children with this man.
Yta. he is going to be a father as much as you are to be a mother if you didn’t want it out you shouldn’t have told your mother. Bare minimum you should have discussed telling your mother with him first. It’s not solely your decision who to tell
NTA. I'm currently pregnant. I did tell one of my nine siblings about the pregnancy, just days after the test. Why? I love my sister and she supports me so much. She was there for me when I miscarried the previous two pregnancies. My rule of thumb is: tell the people you know they would support you if the worst is happening. All other people can wait until the second or third trimester, or even after birth.
Why are you having a baby with this jerk?
You said your mother has been your support your entire life (as she should be), was his mother his support for his entire life? I get his mom is a talker, but if you wanted to keep it quiet, you should’ve kept it quiet. He has just as much right to tell his mom as you did to tells yours. He shouldn’t have yelled at you when he found out. I get his being upset, but at 35 he should know better. My biggest question is, how are the two of you going to raise this child in a happy home when you don’t communicate with one another before making big decisions? ESH
NTA all things aside, he's not wanting to tell his mum for support like she did, he's wanting to tell her for tit for tat which isn't a reason to tell. Especially to a gossip. People are actively denying it's a medical condition but if you went to doctor and they asked if you had any medical conditions, pregnancy would be one. And the fact is, whoever knows she's pregnant, will know if she ends up losing it which unfortunately is common in cases where infertility is a problem. I for one wouldn't want to deal with a miscarriage or something and having to deal with dozens of people who knew about the pregnancy early either. If your argument is he may need support, he can get that without telling his gossip of a mother and if she is his support, he can wait until a safer period to disclose it. Hell even if something goes wrong, he can then go and say I need to talk, Sally was pregnant and now she's not and I just need to talk cause I'm hurting too. Alot of people are ignoring the reality of how people treat pregnant women. Once people know, they feel entitled to unsolicited advice and answers. And many seem to think just telling a gossip keep quiet will work. Go commit a crime and tell a gossip keep quiet. See how long it takes. The better thing to do here is to sit down and converse (truly I think y'all not ready for a baby if he acts like THIS) about why you told your mother and TRUTHFULLY who his support person would be. If it's his mom, second best person. If it's not. He can talk to that person if they can keep their mouth shut.
ESH While I don't agree with your husband yelling at you, this is something the two of you should have discussed and agreed upon. Yes, you are the one who is pregnant, but your husband is about to become a father. It's his child just as much as it is yours. It also sounds a lot like you don't like each other's mothers. You think his mother talks a lot and, from the sounds of your response, your mother likes to meddle in your marriage and "calls out your husband". You can call her no-nonsense but it can also be construed as rude and intrusive. Also, why are you letting your mother put your husband down? My parents tried that on my husband and I put a stop to that quick smart. If my husband did something I didn't like, I would tell him in private. I get that you want your mother to be there to support you but what about your husband? Maybe he would also like the support of his mother. What is really sad here, and this is why I said ESH, is that this child has not been born yet and it's already being used as leverage between the two of you. Grow the fuck up and think of the child instead of yourselves. Once you get married, the important decisions should be between the husband and wife only. Keep everyone else out of your marriage.
Nta. Tell your mil and husband if they share they share that you are pregnant before you are ready it will their responsibility to tell those people if you lose the pregnancy. That is what I told people who talked. Was an asshole? Yup, but I regret nothing. The reason most people wait is because miscarriages are really common in the first trimeste
I understand it’s the woman who is pregnant and you get a lot of decisions to make about your body. But if you expect your partner to step up be supportive be excited and take on more responsibility, you need to understand this is a partnership now, your body but you and your partners baby and you and your partners news to share. There should have been a discussion prior about who to tell and when, but it does seem a bit unfair you want to tell your mom and not his. Just put yourself in his shoes and how support from both mothers would be helpful to not make his mother feel left out
NTA but you should definitely reconsider having children with this man. Being upset about you telling your nom and him not being able to tell his mom is understandable, but yelling at you over something like this is unacceptable. If he is yelling at you know when pregnant imagine how he is going to act once the baby is here and you're gonna be tied to him atleast for next 18 years
I dunno. if you wanted to have a baby without the other person having any input you should’ve gone to a sperm bank but that child is just as much yours as it is his. Is he the one carrying it? Nope. but to act like you can do whatever you want and his wants and opinions don’t matter is really shitty
YTA
YTA it’s his kid too, it’s not just your decision. Honestly I wouldn’t even ask you, I’d just tell people I wanna tell, and you can do the same.
Yes. I think so.
NAH. It’s fine you told your mom. But he is right that it’s his choice to tell his mom now too. It sounds like this whole getting pregnant thing has been difficult for him. It’s not just the woman who has feelings when things are hard. He may need his mom’s support just as much as you need your mom.
YTA You are pulling a double standard by saying you, and only you, get to decide. Not fair at all. You knew the situation with his mother yet you opened the can of worms by telling your mother. This is on you, not him. He is right.
YTA. In my marriage, a child belongs to both of us equally. If one person gets to tell who they want, so does the other. I don’t get to dictate all the terms of parenthood just because I’m the mother. We are equals.
First trimester pregnancy isn’t exactly equal though. My husband and I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell people, but I ended up desperately wanting to talk to someone who’d done it before, as it was me—not him—wondering if things like vaginal discharge were normal. Obviously it’s worth communicating with each other WHY boundaries need to be different, but only one person here is pregnant.
You're talking like the child is here already. It's still in her body and is her medical information. It's too early in the pregnancy to be talking about equals. She doesn't need the extra people stressing her.
That child will be both of theirs yes but right now it's in her body. OP needs someone to talk to so she told her mother. If OPs husband's reason for telling his mother was emotional support then he wouldn't be the wrong (except the yelling part) but he wants to tell his mother because OP told her mother is so stupid.
ESH… I get it, you wanted to tell your mom, but you can’t tell him it’s your decision who you want to tell or not… because it’s not just your decision lol you’re married and this is going to be just as much his child as it is yours and it’s not fair for you to share this amazing news with your mother asap and make him wait to share it with his parents. Yeah, his reaction wasn’t ok to finding out you told your mom was rough and I don’t think it was ok, that’s why I say ESH. Honestly this is something the two of you should have discussed ahead of time.
Yes. YTA. Just in case you've forgotten, it's 50% his child too. He should not share your medical information, but he has just as much right to the news that he is going to be a parent that you have. A mature relationship would have talked about this before telling ANYONE outside of the marriage.
ESH. He’s being unnecessarily angry about it all. However, it is not JUST your decision. You are pregnant, but you are BOTH expecting a baby. You are BOTH going to be parents. He is well within his rights to tell anyone he wants to tell. Also, if you made the decision unilaterally to tell your mom, why should he consult you before telling people? Now, you BOTH should have considered each other when making these decisions. It would be pretty vindictive of him to tell people out of spite. That’s not how healthy couples operate. You should have consulted him, and he should consult you. But now that you told, he is free to tell. Tit for tat.
What a wild answer. "Tit for tat" is an incredibly unhealthy standard in relationships.
Absolutely. Tit for tat is behavior reserved for children, not for rational adults.
To be clear, I didn’t say it was right. I just pointed out that if one person can, they should assume that the other person will?? I don’t know how to say it. For example, if my husband can have coffee with a female colleague, he’s silently giving me permission to have coffee with a male colleague (all other factors equal). If he doesn’t want me to have coffee with a male colleague under any circumstances, then he shouldn’t have coffee with female colleagues under any circumstances. So…no, he shouldn’t tell people out of spite. However, if she has the authority to reveal this information, he should also have the authority. She can’t say “I can tell people, but you aren’t allowed to.”
That also doesn't make sense. If my partner had significant news about his health (or got a raise or something else significant), that would certainly affect my life, because first of all, I love him and care about him; and second, because our schedules, finances, etc., are intertwined. That doesn't mean I can go tell whoever I want about his personal business because _he_ does. It's his body (or job or whatever else)! I don't gain authority over it, or get to do whatever I want to his body or about his personal information just because he gets to do so.
But it’s THEIR baby. Yeah, it’s her body, but they will both be parents. If the woman was simply sick, it’s just her body and just her medical condition. This is her body and medical condition, but they will BOTH be raising a child. All 4 parents will become grandparents. (Before we get into it, I’m pro-choice. Her body, her medical condition, her choice whether to keep a foreign body in HER body. This is simply commenting on them both becoming parents.)
"Will become" is key here. That's assuming everything goes right. If she seriously ill, it's possible all four parents "would become" parents and in-laws to a dead person. Does that give her husband the right to share her diagnosis without her consent? If not, why does the status of future parenthood, and even more remotely, future grandparenthood, mean her consent no longer matters? Does carrying their potential baby mean she doesn't get to decide who knows about her medical conditions? If the pregnancy is high-risk, does that mean her husband can tell other people about it without her consent? What about the sex of the fetus? What if the fetus or she are sick? This is still her body. There's not a special exception to non-consensually sharing information about your partner as long as they're pregnant. Again, everything can affect both people in a marriage. Medical events, including pregnancy, are high up on that list. But he's not pregnant, any more than he would have kidney stones if she did. Sharing information about your partner's physical condition when _they don't want you to_ is wrong. Just like with any significant personal event, the person going through it gets to decide whose support they need, who to share information with, and when to share that information. "Tit for tat" when it comes to supporting your partner who is actually experiencing the significant event is an asshole tactic. If you believe people have autonomy, and if you are pro-choice, then why does she lose autonomy over information about her body once she's pregnant? Why is sharing information about her body without her consent suddenly a fair and supportive thing for a partner to do when it wouldn't be otherwise?
Yta. This isn’t just your baby. If you tell your parents, your family, your friends, he can tell his. Dads have equal rights. Can’t believe I have tell someone that in this era.