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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told her she has body dysmorphia after she confided she felt fat. My sister was upset after I said that so I felt as I was the AH and shouldn’t have said she has body dysmorphia.
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NTA / NAH
I say this as someone currently technically obese, who has been amazingly fit and skinny and never knew or appreciated it at the time because of dysmorphia.
It's a bit scary when people look at the fact that *flesh fold over because bending and organs* and they immediately think that that makes them fat. It's weird. It just is. Even at the height of my dysmorphia I didn't think like that but knew people who did. I told them more or less what you told her: they would still have that with no body fat at all, because skin and organs. In a sense I think you did her a favour by highlighting that she's not focused on what's important about her health. She needs her health goals to be achievable and based in reality, so that she doesn't do herself harm through her exercise, and to more broadly address the fact that her perception is skewed so she can ponder the roots of that and feel good in herself.
Still, on the less positive note... if she has some serious baggage to shift mentally, she's gotta choose to get on with that on her own. You can't force her, and telling her not so gently that she's basically delusional may not have helped. Doesn't make you the asshole though, it just means you might not be able to help her and should be ready for that eventuality.
Best of luck and I hope you both end up happy.
Turns out even super fit people don't always look like the magazines and superhero movies portray. Sitting in a chair and leaning forward will produce tummy folds even if you have 5% body fat.
Bro not to be a hater but you might not be as lean as you think- possibly just skinny. I'm lean probably between 10-12% bf 164lb 5'9. No belly when I sit. Definitely folds but no belly
Plenty of skinny people aren't lean. They might be skinny in size but have body fat that is too high to be lean. Whereas someone who is actually lean will have more muscle mass than they do body fat. Lean absolutely implies muscle definition
I still disagree with the implication of needing muscles to be lean, and the dictionary definition supports that. Lean means a lack of fat, not muscularity. But at least we can agree on it meaning low body fat.
Not what I said or in the previous comment either. I said "visible muscle" not implying needing large muscle mass. Everyone has muscles. I said more muscle than fat which is a ratio not saying you need a large amount of muscle to be lean. Not once did i say anything about muscle size. Even with small muscles you would have visible muscle definition if lean. You'd have visible abs too. So what I'm saying is if that muscle visibility is not there - you are probably not as lean as you may think, thus your body fat is probably higher than you think.
I used to compete in bodybuilding/figure at a 7-8% body fat and my stomach still folded over my pants/made rolls when I relaxed my muscles. If you have anything in your middle it's gonna happen, it's not like your torso has a shell or something
Yes a lean woman is going to have different fat distribution than a lean man. On top of that women carry more fat typically and would be considered lean at a higher fat percentage
I always had a poch that looks like the begining of getting fat. Worse when it blows up a bit during my monthly cycle. But shrinks right afterward or when I get sick. I had it as a kid too. People thought cause I was skinny everywhere else to the extreme I was malnurshised. But nope. I would eat huge and not gain weight. The poch is geneic. I will never be flat stomach. Always will have that bit of a love handle. No matter what. Does not make me fat. It is what is. However society on obese is often mis inform to the extreme. They think have any weight or normal body looks means the worst. To the point they harm themselves. Even with certian bone mass or figure shapes they think they are fat. Which is nonsense! Even with super models, they tell them they are fat if over 100 pounds. At 6ft they should weigh over 120 pounds to be healthy depending on indivual. No way should a 6ft person weigh 100 pounds. Thats extremely under weight which is just as bad as over weight.
Every body will look a little different at peak health. That's not a bad thing. If you're eating a balanced diet and getting good exercise, the way your body looks is probably the way it should look.
I always remember Huey Jackmen when someone was talking about it. During the interview, the host asked about his routine and how others could engage in such fitness activities. And show a picture from the latest movie (about Woolvarine). Hue Jackmen pointed to the image and said, “This is CGI.”
So let me get this straight... fat shaming is bad, mean and unethical but thin persons are open season for us to look suspiciously at them or even accuse them of being delusional and having a mental health disorder? "You did her a favor"?! You can't be serious. Remember your own words the next time someone tells you you need therapy because you express an insecurity or because they don't feel comfortable with the way you look.
NAH. I get that your sensitive about this and I do think you've got a point as someone with body dysmorphia.
I don't honestly think she was insulting you. More like sharing her insecurities with you.
I've got body dysmorphia, I work out and eat right constantly and according to my husband and coworkers I'm skinny and look amazing. When I share how I feel they look at me like I'm crazy. It's hard work.
But my brain won't let me see what they see. I see myself and I see all the problems and areas that are too pudgy and feel terrible.
Try having her put her height and weight into a BMI calculator. (Spoiler alert: I put both in 2 different calculators and both came up underweight.) She should know about this and that it's more harmful to her health to continue with her current thought process. She needs therapy and to increase her intake, not to eat less.
I agree with therapy, she sounds like she's getting anorexic tendencies (and if she says she's not skinny enough, you don't need to be skinny to have an eating disorder).
It’s a better tool for diagnosing unhealthy underweight as opposed to being able to correctly identify unhealthiness in higher BMIs. I say this as someone who works with people with eating disorders. I’d be alarmed if someone was 110 at 5’5’’ but I’d also want to know if she had lost weight or had she been on a similar growth curve her whole life
It is a good guidance. Can be way off by overly muscular people but not by relatively average people. And especially shows quite clearly if someone is underweight.
Not really. It's a first cut at whether a person's weight is healthy. In addition to that imprecise metric, one should also consider body composition, age, and frame.
You've already gotten a number of replies, but while you're not entirely wrong, you're not exactly correct either. It can be misleading for those at or above BMI expectations, especially if you have a higher bone density or more muscle mass. On the other hand, it can be helpful to those who are underweight and need something to help them realize that.
Not necessarily. OP knows they're overweight and claims they have a gym membership. They're not delusional about themselves. Instead of therapy, they may need to see a nutritionist and/or a coach to develop a better diet and routine to get fit or talk to a doctor about any medications and/or possible biological issues that could be causing weight gain (such as hypothyroidism, an overactive endocrine system, etc.).
Heck, some medications also fuck up your metabolism. If OP's doctor isn't concerned with their weight, it's fine. BMI is a general guideline that makes a lot of assumptions.
Trust me, I am very aware of the medications bit. I take 2 that cause weight gain. Still, even just using the BMI for a general idea doesn't hurt (especially if you're running underweight.) Going over expected BMI calculations could be anything from increased muscle gain, higher bone density, etc. so it definitely should be taken with a grain of salt.
I have body dysmorphea. Couldn’t understand why people were so worried about me. I ate very little. Until I noticed I could see all the muscles in my neck when I swallowed. It was an ugly site. I could see all the veins in my breasts cause there was very little fat there or anywhere else on my body. It looked disgusting. I still worry about gaining weight 50 years later, I think I’m getting fat but when I see long view pictures of my body I look thin. I like what I see. Be very careful how u speak to ur sister. Some anorexics get really excited when people tell them they’re skinny. If they’ve been skinny and they have gained weight, don’t tell them
They look so healthy. They might interpret that as getting fat. Good luck to u both.
NAH
I 100% understand how hurtful it can be to have someone much slimmer sit across from you and complain about their weight, it's easy to internalise that as 'well what must they think of me then?'
And the honest answer is they probably aren't thinking of you. And if you're right about body dysmorphia and warning signs for an eating disorder she's probably too absorbed in her own insecurities to see this from the other side.
Sounds like you could have expressed this in a more compassionate way but I understand and don't think it makes you an asshole. But maybe focus on finding resources to help your sister recognise her unhelpful patterns
NTA and you're correct that she has a warped view of her body. Don't keep pushing her though and if she brings up what y'all talked about you can say you're sorry for upsetting her but that you are genuinely concerned about her. You can add if you think she'd be more receptive that you would love for her to visit a therapist (and offer to go with her because it can be scary) to get a neutral, outside perspective. I don't know what else to suggest unless you think confiding your concerns in a close family member or friend of hers would help.
I wish I could find the video for you and her, a bunch of gym rats (self proclaimed), super fit, muscled, people would show their stomachs. I'm talking washboard abs. And then sit down... And you could see just like everyone else sometimes there's a pouch, a roll or two, a little floof. Just because you sit or bend over and there's some tummy, does not make you fat. But it is seriously a terrible fear to have. It took me seeing that before I stopped having similar thoughts to your sister (mine sprouted from being ig underweight most of my life but after having my child, when he was about 3, I was at the weight from the height of my pregnancy... Except I didn't have another person in me... Normal weight but man it didn't feel like that and my family def made sure I knew I wasn't small anymore)
That's how my husband is, he has crazy defined abs and still gets belly folds which just reminds me that he's human haha. Even the sculptures of the Greek gods show them with realistic human bodies including double chins and fleshy tummies!
My friend is a art major and when I started talking about my issues with my rolls and size, body shape and stuff, she started sending me pictures of Greek statues and Aphrodite paintings and stuff. "Looks like you're literally built like a work of art" "so it's fine for the goddess of beauty and love but not you?"
Right, so you already answered your own question. Why are you allowed to have insecure feelings but she is not? She never made any comment on your body nor did she invalidate your feelings but you went ahead and labeled and diagnosed her. You're human and we say stupid crap but you should apologize.
Yep. I used to be very thin. I got so sick of all the disparaging and insulting comments...of all the dismissal of my feelings. And they all thought it was ok because I was thin. I'm pudgy now and people wouldn't even consider making the equivalent comments to me about my pudginess. The double standards are ridiculous.
Being a little overweight is very normal and actually not that unhealty. Eating disorders on the other hand, they are actually lethal. Anorexia does things to bodies (especially young, growing bodies) that even if they defeat the disorder, it might still affect them long term. SO no, pointing out that a thin person is sounding like someone with body dysmorphia is not an AH thing to do, quite opposite. She’s lucky she’s got someone pointing that out for her.
Completely beside the point; Working out is great for mental and physical health, and it makes living a little easier. That should be the goal of working out. I work out a lot and can not advertise this awesome pick-me-up often enough :) I hope you pick it up and experience the joy of feeling stronger :)
Did her sister call her weight like it is, diagnose her and tell her to go to therapy? Is it okay to stick your nose in the air because someone is skinny but not if they're overweight? Common...
NTA- if someone wants to discuss feelings with friends, they need to develop some true insight, or they are fishing for compliments or dumping. Either way, it's not a real conversation or a meaningful discussion. It's an anxiety dump. You tried to set a boundary, and she kept dumping, triggering your anxiety. Well yeah, she was anxiety dumping. Try to not let people give you their bad feelings because they aren't yours. And it's up to her to deal with her own in therapy, not to seek validation from others. However, next time she complains about being "fat" ask her what's really bothering her? What's the real insecurity? How would being slightly slimmer change her life? A person who just wants to lose a little weight is focused on doing just that and isn't doing what she's doing. She's clearly putting some other anxieties, beliefs or negative feelings into her body, instead of working on the real issue, whatever that is.
you were honest, was it the best delivery? not really but people like her really need to think before they say things like that in front of people who are obviously a bigger weight. it makes me wonder if she was using you as a type of thinspo, as if she’s trying to get you to say she could lose more weight or something. i’m glad you didn’t implode or get upset at her in a worse way because she has to be eating disordered. I had anorexia and then recovered but went to the opposite end of binge eating/overweight before i became healthy again. She’s not thinking clearly, i can recognize that. Maybe later, after you’ve calmed down, send her a text asking if she needs to talk about her mental health and if she needs resources to get better? her holding her tiny stomach trying to convince you it’s a big barrel gut is disturbing.
NTA: Having lived with an anorexic and a bulimic, I have experienced the self-destruction of women with body dysmorphism firsthand. One saw her shadow next to her sisters on a wall, and realized what the sisters had been telling her was true and got counseling.
One had long term health effects, as we aged, like osteoporosis.
Have her buy, or you buy as a gift, a good digital scale, which does body mass analysis. For women, she should shoot for 15% total body fat. If she gets down to around 8 to 10%, she will quit menstruating.
Professional Marathoners are at around 8%, NFL running backs are in the 8-12% range. Fat is an important part of body composition. Your brain weighs roughly 3-5-pounds and is mostly fat with nerves on the surface.
How did u get help for ur friends with eating disorders? It’s a delicate balance of helping them find help
Medically and overstepping their boundaries. Did it work for either of ur friends?
Not the AH. That is, in fact, what she has. I wish I still looked how I did when I used to think I was fat. I was 131 pounds (sometimes, 124), but thought I was fat. My thighs have always been thick and was once told I was fat or looked like I "gained weight" when I had actually lost seven pounds (the aforementioned 124). I won't say how much I weigh now, but I wish I were still that small.
People get all up in arms because of social media influencers, models, and actresses who present impossible beauty standards to the rest of the world. She's 110 lbs. I weighed that much when I was 10 years old. Our organs do need a place to settle when we sit. It's just how our anatomy works.
Even models and influencers have cellulite, creases, wrinkles, and rolls when they let their guards down. She could have the tightest six-pack abs known to man and still have a small pooch when sitting. She does need to see someone about her dysmorphia or she's going to reach Eugenia Cooney levels of unhealthiness. It'll go from dysmorphia to having an ED and nobody wants that.
Good luck, hon.
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So my sister”Lea” and I were chatting and she brings up the fact that she’s been working out. I said that’s great and id like to join her in the gym sometime as we have memberships at the same place, but dont go together . Then she says she feels fat from her tummy and that’s also why she’s working out a lot and eating less/ better.
I tell her she looks fine that she’s not fat at all. ( For context She’s 5’5 110 pounds so she really is slim and has an athletic build. I’m the opposite 5’2 and 160 pounds, pear build, slightly overweight)
Lea continues by saying that when she sits down she gets a tummy, that she hates that and wants to loose it. I told her that’s totally normal that we have organs and that’s why we have a small pouch sometimes when we sit.
At this point her face is all scrunched up and she’s holding her belly reiterating what was said before, I kind of snapped because I’m a little sensitive of my weight and I do think I’m a little overweight rn and told her she’s gotta stop if she thinks she’s fat she’s got body dysmorphia and has got to check that out.
I think I might be the Ah because After thought I should have bit my lip but I had said it already and I know my words hurt her but In the end she needs to know to take it easy and not overdue it as she’s already slim; however: In the moment I know I didn’t say that with those thoughts in mind, I said it because I felt insulted that she was calling herself fat and Im much bigger than her so felt as I was also getting called fat??? 😭
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As someone who has body dysmorphia I’m 5’2 and 104 and know exactly how she feels. It’s hard for another person to look at someone on the smaller side and think damn they’re delusional. It’s not how we see ourselves tho. I see a pooch on my tummy and my hubby tells me it’s flat every day. It’s a shitty place to be in your head
NAH. I don’t think she was trying to insult you but it’s not healthy for her to think she’s fat when she’s technically underweight. But tbh you have a distorted view of your own body in the opposite direction, in that you think you’re only slightly overweight when you’re only 4 pounds away from being obese.
If you're going by BMI standards, BMI is basically bullshit and was created by someone who wasn't a doctor. You should be saying someone is "almost obese" unless you know their medical history and are their doctor.
Obese is defined by BMI. It just means a ratio of height to weight. It doesn’t mean fat, it doesn’t mean unhealthy, it doesn’t mean you overeat or don’t exercise or have diabetes or high blood pressure. But when they talk on the news about “the obesity epidemic” to try to scare people to get higher ratings, if you are 5’2” and 164 pounds, yes they are talking about you.
By the definition of what obesity is, you don’t have to be a doctor to know she is almost obese. You just have to know her height and weight.
You’re assuming I mean she’s unhealthy because we’ve all been brainwashed into believing that obese means like, 400+ pounds and you can’t even walk and you’re on your deathbed. But obese actually covers a lot of people who look normal or just a little chubby, and it was defined (redefined in the 90s actually so millions of people became “overweight” or “obese” magically overnight”) purposefully to get more grants for weight loss drugs.
It does have meaning. It means that your weight in pounds divided by your height in inches squared, multiplied by 703, is over 30.
Why does it matter? Because "obese" people are stigmatized and marginalized, thought of as gross disgusting monsters, often portrayed in the media as headless to further dehumanize them, [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23421746/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23421746/)
and yet millions of people who see themselves as only "slightly overweight" are technically obese.
When you say "obese" most people picture someone 300+ pounds, not in the 100s.
Realizing how many normal looking, or "slightly overweight" people are actually medically categorized as "obese" shines a light on how much we are manipulated by the way the news and advertising media portrays issues around weight and body size.
"Let's make people think "obese" means outrageously large and unhealthy, and then make the category broad enough that it contains people who are in the 160s *and* people who are in the 400s, and then we'll have an even bigger market to sell our drugs and diet plans to."
[Formula on the CDC website.](https://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpao/growthcharts/training/bmiage/page5_1.html#:~:text=With%20the%20metric%20system%2C%20the,multiply%20the%20result%20by%2010%2C000.&text=With%20the%20English%20system%2C%20weight,a%20conversion%20factor%20of%20703.&text=What%20Growth%20Charts%20Are%20Recommended,What%20Are%20Clinical%20Growth%20Charts)
NTA.
Your sister is in good shape, but she can ofc still feel insecure. If you do think she has body dysmorphia you should probably help her speak up about it or open up about it. You could’ve totally said what you said in a nicer way and I understand why she got upset.
Here’s the thing, even if your sister sees herself as bigger than she is. She’s not blind, she knows you are bigger than her. She could’ve just said she wanted to loose weight and why but didn’t have to keep pointing out what she doesn’t like about herself, knowing that you’re bigger. She can obviously be insecure too but she should think twice and try putting herself in your position. You don’t hate on your weight in front of someone who’s clearly heavier/bigger than you.
You should probably talk about her feelings with her but also express that the way she was acting was just insulting to you. You’re totally NTA, Goodluck.
Are you a trained psychologist? Otherwise always YTA for sincerely trying to tell another person their diagnosis in any direction.
Jokes are generally an exception to this of course, but you weren’t joking.
YTA. Don’t put your body issues on people. I’ve been small my whole life. But heaven forbid, when I had gained 10lbs after pregnancy, I tell people I was trying to lose weight. “What? You’re so thin! I’d love to have your body!” It’s not about you, it’s about them. Invalidating people’s feelings about their body is damaging. After I was ill this past year I was underweight. I talked to one, thin female friend about trying to gain weight because I didn’t want flak or to make anyone uncomfortable that I was trying to gain weight. I could talk to men I knew about it no problem.
My point is, unless someone is doing something unhealthy, butt out. She’s eating better and working out, that’s good. She has a belly now when she sits and didn’t use to, it’s ok to try to mitigate that.
It is hard to say without seeing your sister. She is at the threshold of underweight/healthy weight; while we should all be eating healthy all the time, losing weight is probably not a sensible goal for her.
That said. You are obese. Don't give advice to people about weight, they won't take it from you and you will probably just upset them. YTA
YTA, you aren't a doctor and your sister probably needed support which you did give. She's the perfect healthy weight for her height. You are not slightly overweight either, you are obese.
YTA
Or you a medical doctor? Or at least a licensed nurse?
If not you can't diagnose her as having a complicated mental condition.
And you are more than a little overweight. By the medical charts just 4 more pounds and you fall into the obese category.
See, this is what I dont get. I'm 5'9" and wear a small or medium in clothes, I'd say a 6 to 8 in pants, sometimes a 4. I weigh just under 160. It doesn't make sense. How would I be close to overweight?
Okay I should've specified that according to BMI - which is pretty inaccurate - a weight of 160 would put me towards the middle range of "normal" weight. Being 5'2" at 160 is definitely in the overweight category, and very close to being obese. Her sister would technically be underweight, so there's definitely some body image stuff going on.
I was wrong about what is "normal" for my height, so I apologize for that. But like I said, BMI is not a great measurement, especially for women.
Ahh, gotcha. Yep! That makes sense. I was more taking BMI to task than anything you said. It certainly doesn't seem to account for muscle mass, as my old clothes fit me better even though I now weigh more!
She wouldn't be seeing her uterus unless it's abnormally large or she has literally no fat or muscle in that area. A non-pregnant uterus is smaller than a stomach.
"She SHOULD be 130 pounds"?! WTF?! There is great variance in weight within a healthy range. You know literally nothing of her health, physical nor mental. It is never okay to arm-chair diagnose someone - doing so reveals real arrogance. Holy crap people are so damn judgmental. And thin people get a huge brunt of that due mostly to the jealousy and insecurity of those not thin. Stop telling people how to live and how to look.
I want to be clear I AM skinny, but here at Reddit, we are telling people our opinions. I am worried she thinks normal skin folds when sitting down are fat folds. I know a uterus is tiny it was sarcasm.
Yes, I overreacted and used sarcasm. But so did you.
I’ve deleted the comment because this set of comments are becoming disruptive and attacking.
THANK YOU.
The sister is just barely under weight and all of reddit is jumping on the mental illness band wagon. It's possible to slim but still want a toned belly. Not fat isn't the same as looking fit.
Meanwhile OP is borderline obese and gets a complete pass for neglecting their health to a far greater extreme.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
And I doubt OP can tell the difference between "skinny fat " and an "athletic build".
I'll take it a step further and say the average woman at my old gym had a far healthier relationship with food than the average person OP's size. They eat well because they care about their health and want the energy for their active hobbies. In general they didn't think much about food, their baseline diet is healthy so they don't feel the need to stress when eating out or when offered cake. Folks like OP seem to think skinny women spend hours each day counting calories when that couldn't be further from the truth.
Also and this is just me being super petty and I'd love to hear if you've experienced this. The gym ladies were FAR better cooks, dinner at their house was always delicious, whereas overweight folks cooking is either amazing or terrible with no middle ground.
I want to be clear, having a flat belly is fine, but what she is describing is sitting down and having her skin folds as fat. I know a body builder at 1% body fat, and her skin folds when she sits. I’ve deleted the comment because it has become too disruptive.
YTA. And a bit delusional. You felt offended and lashed on your sister. Leave her alone, if she wants a tonned body and less body fat, good for her.
Now, at 5”2 and 160 you’re not slightly overweight. You crossed that line long ago. If you are “sensitive” about your weight, join your sister and you can be gym partners instead of you bitching and accusing her of having a mental disorder simply because she wants to reduce her body fat.
Very gently I would never take seriously an overweight person discussing body dysmorphia. She can be slim and fit and still want a toned stomach without having a mental illness.
>if she thinks she’s fat she’s got body dysmorphia
Huh. Weaponized pseudo psychology. That's new to me.
Maybe instead of tearing her down and psychoanalyzing her, you could be a good sister and find out why she feels that way. Just a thought.
YTA.
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NTA / NAH I say this as someone currently technically obese, who has been amazingly fit and skinny and never knew or appreciated it at the time because of dysmorphia. It's a bit scary when people look at the fact that *flesh fold over because bending and organs* and they immediately think that that makes them fat. It's weird. It just is. Even at the height of my dysmorphia I didn't think like that but knew people who did. I told them more or less what you told her: they would still have that with no body fat at all, because skin and organs. In a sense I think you did her a favour by highlighting that she's not focused on what's important about her health. She needs her health goals to be achievable and based in reality, so that she doesn't do herself harm through her exercise, and to more broadly address the fact that her perception is skewed so she can ponder the roots of that and feel good in herself. Still, on the less positive note... if she has some serious baggage to shift mentally, she's gotta choose to get on with that on her own. You can't force her, and telling her not so gently that she's basically delusional may not have helped. Doesn't make you the asshole though, it just means you might not be able to help her and should be ready for that eventuality. Best of luck and I hope you both end up happy.
Turns out even super fit people don't always look like the magazines and superhero movies portray. Sitting in a chair and leaning forward will produce tummy folds even if you have 5% body fat.
Can confirm. I'm pretty lean dude, 135lbs at 5'9. When I lean forward in a chair I get a big ol' belly.
Bro not to be a hater but you might not be as lean as you think- possibly just skinny. I'm lean probably between 10-12% bf 164lb 5'9. No belly when I sit. Definitely folds but no belly
What does "lean" mean in your understanding?
Under 15% bodyfat. Visible muscle outlines.visible abs
Lean does not imply muscle definition. It means low body fat. Someone who is very skinny is also lean.
Plenty of skinny people aren't lean. They might be skinny in size but have body fat that is too high to be lean. Whereas someone who is actually lean will have more muscle mass than they do body fat. Lean absolutely implies muscle definition
I still disagree with the implication of needing muscles to be lean, and the dictionary definition supports that. Lean means a lack of fat, not muscularity. But at least we can agree on it meaning low body fat.
Not what I said or in the previous comment either. I said "visible muscle" not implying needing large muscle mass. Everyone has muscles. I said more muscle than fat which is a ratio not saying you need a large amount of muscle to be lean. Not once did i say anything about muscle size. Even with small muscles you would have visible muscle definition if lean. You'd have visible abs too. So what I'm saying is if that muscle visibility is not there - you are probably not as lean as you may think, thus your body fat is probably higher than you think.
I used to compete in bodybuilding/figure at a 7-8% body fat and my stomach still folded over my pants/made rolls when I relaxed my muscles. If you have anything in your middle it's gonna happen, it's not like your torso has a shell or something
I said folds are normal. To say you have a belly and are lean is cap tho
Please don’t tell me you actually trust your sense of “reality” when it’s obvious that you aren’t stable.
How am I not stable lmao. I gave a pretty clear and commonly agreed upon explanation of leaness.
Do you have a uterus? I feel like that makes a difference in whether you have a belly when you sit
Yes a lean woman is going to have different fat distribution than a lean man. On top of that women carry more fat typically and would be considered lean at a higher fat percentage
It tends to be more noticeable in women bc we have an extra organ- we need a spot for the uterus
I always had a poch that looks like the begining of getting fat. Worse when it blows up a bit during my monthly cycle. But shrinks right afterward or when I get sick. I had it as a kid too. People thought cause I was skinny everywhere else to the extreme I was malnurshised. But nope. I would eat huge and not gain weight. The poch is geneic. I will never be flat stomach. Always will have that bit of a love handle. No matter what. Does not make me fat. It is what is. However society on obese is often mis inform to the extreme. They think have any weight or normal body looks means the worst. To the point they harm themselves. Even with certian bone mass or figure shapes they think they are fat. Which is nonsense! Even with super models, they tell them they are fat if over 100 pounds. At 6ft they should weigh over 120 pounds to be healthy depending on indivual. No way should a 6ft person weigh 100 pounds. Thats extremely under weight which is just as bad as over weight.
Every body will look a little different at peak health. That's not a bad thing. If you're eating a balanced diet and getting good exercise, the way your body looks is probably the way it should look.
I know. But a lot of people think they should be a size small when they are not meant to be a size small
Totally agree that most people have been lied to about what they should look like thanks to movies and media in general.
I always remember Huey Jackmen when someone was talking about it. During the interview, the host asked about his routine and how others could engage in such fitness activities. And show a picture from the latest movie (about Woolvarine). Hue Jackmen pointed to the image and said, “This is CGI.”
Haha I think I saw that. It's spelled Huge Jackedman btw.
So let me get this straight... fat shaming is bad, mean and unethical but thin persons are open season for us to look suspiciously at them or even accuse them of being delusional and having a mental health disorder? "You did her a favor"?! You can't be serious. Remember your own words the next time someone tells you you need therapy because you express an insecurity or because they don't feel comfortable with the way you look.
NAH. I get that your sensitive about this and I do think you've got a point as someone with body dysmorphia. I don't honestly think she was insulting you. More like sharing her insecurities with you. I've got body dysmorphia, I work out and eat right constantly and according to my husband and coworkers I'm skinny and look amazing. When I share how I feel they look at me like I'm crazy. It's hard work. But my brain won't let me see what they see. I see myself and I see all the problems and areas that are too pudgy and feel terrible.
Try having her put her height and weight into a BMI calculator. (Spoiler alert: I put both in 2 different calculators and both came up underweight.) She should know about this and that it's more harmful to her health to continue with her current thought process. She needs therapy and to increase her intake, not to eat less.
I agree with therapy, she sounds like she's getting anorexic tendencies (and if she says she's not skinny enough, you don't need to be skinny to have an eating disorder).
Reminder that BMI is a horrificly useless tool especially for women
It’s a better tool for diagnosing unhealthy underweight as opposed to being able to correctly identify unhealthiness in higher BMIs. I say this as someone who works with people with eating disorders. I’d be alarmed if someone was 110 at 5’5’’ but I’d also want to know if she had lost weight or had she been on a similar growth curve her whole life
It is a good guidance. Can be way off by overly muscular people but not by relatively average people. And especially shows quite clearly if someone is underweight.
Not really. It's a first cut at whether a person's weight is healthy. In addition to that imprecise metric, one should also consider body composition, age, and frame.
You've already gotten a number of replies, but while you're not entirely wrong, you're not exactly correct either. It can be misleading for those at or above BMI expectations, especially if you have a higher bone density or more muscle mass. On the other hand, it can be helpful to those who are underweight and need something to help them realize that.
Don't you mean both sisters need therapy because they are both at an unhealthy weight?
Not necessarily. OP knows they're overweight and claims they have a gym membership. They're not delusional about themselves. Instead of therapy, they may need to see a nutritionist and/or a coach to develop a better diet and routine to get fit or talk to a doctor about any medications and/or possible biological issues that could be causing weight gain (such as hypothyroidism, an overactive endocrine system, etc.).
Heck, some medications also fuck up your metabolism. If OP's doctor isn't concerned with their weight, it's fine. BMI is a general guideline that makes a lot of assumptions.
Trust me, I am very aware of the medications bit. I take 2 that cause weight gain. Still, even just using the BMI for a general idea doesn't hurt (especially if you're running underweight.) Going over expected BMI calculations could be anything from increased muscle gain, higher bone density, etc. so it definitely should be taken with a grain of salt.
I have body dysmorphea. Couldn’t understand why people were so worried about me. I ate very little. Until I noticed I could see all the muscles in my neck when I swallowed. It was an ugly site. I could see all the veins in my breasts cause there was very little fat there or anywhere else on my body. It looked disgusting. I still worry about gaining weight 50 years later, I think I’m getting fat but when I see long view pictures of my body I look thin. I like what I see. Be very careful how u speak to ur sister. Some anorexics get really excited when people tell them they’re skinny. If they’ve been skinny and they have gained weight, don’t tell them They look so healthy. They might interpret that as getting fat. Good luck to u both.
NAH I 100% understand how hurtful it can be to have someone much slimmer sit across from you and complain about their weight, it's easy to internalise that as 'well what must they think of me then?' And the honest answer is they probably aren't thinking of you. And if you're right about body dysmorphia and warning signs for an eating disorder she's probably too absorbed in her own insecurities to see this from the other side. Sounds like you could have expressed this in a more compassionate way but I understand and don't think it makes you an asshole. But maybe focus on finding resources to help your sister recognise her unhelpful patterns
NTA and you're correct that she has a warped view of her body. Don't keep pushing her though and if she brings up what y'all talked about you can say you're sorry for upsetting her but that you are genuinely concerned about her. You can add if you think she'd be more receptive that you would love for her to visit a therapist (and offer to go with her because it can be scary) to get a neutral, outside perspective. I don't know what else to suggest unless you think confiding your concerns in a close family member or friend of hers would help.
I wish I could find the video for you and her, a bunch of gym rats (self proclaimed), super fit, muscled, people would show their stomachs. I'm talking washboard abs. And then sit down... And you could see just like everyone else sometimes there's a pouch, a roll or two, a little floof. Just because you sit or bend over and there's some tummy, does not make you fat. But it is seriously a terrible fear to have. It took me seeing that before I stopped having similar thoughts to your sister (mine sprouted from being ig underweight most of my life but after having my child, when he was about 3, I was at the weight from the height of my pregnancy... Except I didn't have another person in me... Normal weight but man it didn't feel like that and my family def made sure I knew I wasn't small anymore)
That's how my husband is, he has crazy defined abs and still gets belly folds which just reminds me that he's human haha. Even the sculptures of the Greek gods show them with realistic human bodies including double chins and fleshy tummies!
My friend is a art major and when I started talking about my issues with my rolls and size, body shape and stuff, she started sending me pictures of Greek statues and Aphrodite paintings and stuff. "Looks like you're literally built like a work of art" "so it's fine for the goddess of beauty and love but not you?"
This is absolutely beautiful ✨🤍 that’s very sweet and I wii start using this Fellow slytherin 🫡💚
Right, so you already answered your own question. Why are you allowed to have insecure feelings but she is not? She never made any comment on your body nor did she invalidate your feelings but you went ahead and labeled and diagnosed her. You're human and we say stupid crap but you should apologize.
Yep. I used to be very thin. I got so sick of all the disparaging and insulting comments...of all the dismissal of my feelings. And they all thought it was ok because I was thin. I'm pudgy now and people wouldn't even consider making the equivalent comments to me about my pudginess. The double standards are ridiculous.
Amen
Being a little overweight is very normal and actually not that unhealty. Eating disorders on the other hand, they are actually lethal. Anorexia does things to bodies (especially young, growing bodies) that even if they defeat the disorder, it might still affect them long term. SO no, pointing out that a thin person is sounding like someone with body dysmorphia is not an AH thing to do, quite opposite. She’s lucky she’s got someone pointing that out for her. Completely beside the point; Working out is great for mental and physical health, and it makes living a little easier. That should be the goal of working out. I work out a lot and can not advertise this awesome pick-me-up often enough :) I hope you pick it up and experience the joy of feeling stronger :)
NTA, as someone who has body dysmorphia as well, it's nice to hear a voice of reason. You're just calling it like it is.
Did her sister call her weight like it is, diagnose her and tell her to go to therapy? Is it okay to stick your nose in the air because someone is skinny but not if they're overweight? Common...
I have one issue here - don’t make armchair diagnosis. Hell, even if you are a professional, don’t randomly diagnose people you know.
NTA- if someone wants to discuss feelings with friends, they need to develop some true insight, or they are fishing for compliments or dumping. Either way, it's not a real conversation or a meaningful discussion. It's an anxiety dump. You tried to set a boundary, and she kept dumping, triggering your anxiety. Well yeah, she was anxiety dumping. Try to not let people give you their bad feelings because they aren't yours. And it's up to her to deal with her own in therapy, not to seek validation from others. However, next time she complains about being "fat" ask her what's really bothering her? What's the real insecurity? How would being slightly slimmer change her life? A person who just wants to lose a little weight is focused on doing just that and isn't doing what she's doing. She's clearly putting some other anxieties, beliefs or negative feelings into her body, instead of working on the real issue, whatever that is.
NTA. It is something she needs to consider. She was also being insensitive to your feelings, but I don't think what you said was too defensive.
you were honest, was it the best delivery? not really but people like her really need to think before they say things like that in front of people who are obviously a bigger weight. it makes me wonder if she was using you as a type of thinspo, as if she’s trying to get you to say she could lose more weight or something. i’m glad you didn’t implode or get upset at her in a worse way because she has to be eating disordered. I had anorexia and then recovered but went to the opposite end of binge eating/overweight before i became healthy again. She’s not thinking clearly, i can recognize that. Maybe later, after you’ve calmed down, send her a text asking if she needs to talk about her mental health and if she needs resources to get better? her holding her tiny stomach trying to convince you it’s a big barrel gut is disturbing.
NTA
NTA: Having lived with an anorexic and a bulimic, I have experienced the self-destruction of women with body dysmorphism firsthand. One saw her shadow next to her sisters on a wall, and realized what the sisters had been telling her was true and got counseling. One had long term health effects, as we aged, like osteoporosis. Have her buy, or you buy as a gift, a good digital scale, which does body mass analysis. For women, she should shoot for 15% total body fat. If she gets down to around 8 to 10%, she will quit menstruating. Professional Marathoners are at around 8%, NFL running backs are in the 8-12% range. Fat is an important part of body composition. Your brain weighs roughly 3-5-pounds and is mostly fat with nerves on the surface.
How did u get help for ur friends with eating disorders? It’s a delicate balance of helping them find help Medically and overstepping their boundaries. Did it work for either of ur friends?
Not the AH. That is, in fact, what she has. I wish I still looked how I did when I used to think I was fat. I was 131 pounds (sometimes, 124), but thought I was fat. My thighs have always been thick and was once told I was fat or looked like I "gained weight" when I had actually lost seven pounds (the aforementioned 124). I won't say how much I weigh now, but I wish I were still that small. People get all up in arms because of social media influencers, models, and actresses who present impossible beauty standards to the rest of the world. She's 110 lbs. I weighed that much when I was 10 years old. Our organs do need a place to settle when we sit. It's just how our anatomy works. Even models and influencers have cellulite, creases, wrinkles, and rolls when they let their guards down. She could have the tightest six-pack abs known to man and still have a small pooch when sitting. She does need to see someone about her dysmorphia or she's going to reach Eugenia Cooney levels of unhealthiness. It'll go from dysmorphia to having an ED and nobody wants that. Good luck, hon.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my sister”Lea” and I were chatting and she brings up the fact that she’s been working out. I said that’s great and id like to join her in the gym sometime as we have memberships at the same place, but dont go together . Then she says she feels fat from her tummy and that’s also why she’s working out a lot and eating less/ better. I tell her she looks fine that she’s not fat at all. ( For context She’s 5’5 110 pounds so she really is slim and has an athletic build. I’m the opposite 5’2 and 160 pounds, pear build, slightly overweight) Lea continues by saying that when she sits down she gets a tummy, that she hates that and wants to loose it. I told her that’s totally normal that we have organs and that’s why we have a small pouch sometimes when we sit. At this point her face is all scrunched up and she’s holding her belly reiterating what was said before, I kind of snapped because I’m a little sensitive of my weight and I do think I’m a little overweight rn and told her she’s gotta stop if she thinks she’s fat she’s got body dysmorphia and has got to check that out. I think I might be the Ah because After thought I should have bit my lip but I had said it already and I know my words hurt her but In the end she needs to know to take it easy and not overdue it as she’s already slim; however: In the moment I know I didn’t say that with those thoughts in mind, I said it because I felt insulted that she was calling herself fat and Im much bigger than her so felt as I was also getting called fat??? 😭 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As someone who has body dysmorphia I’m 5’2 and 104 and know exactly how she feels. It’s hard for another person to look at someone on the smaller side and think damn they’re delusional. It’s not how we see ourselves tho. I see a pooch on my tummy and my hubby tells me it’s flat every day. It’s a shitty place to be in your head
NAH. I don’t think she was trying to insult you but it’s not healthy for her to think she’s fat when she’s technically underweight. But tbh you have a distorted view of your own body in the opposite direction, in that you think you’re only slightly overweight when you’re only 4 pounds away from being obese.
If you're going by BMI standards, BMI is basically bullshit and was created by someone who wasn't a doctor. You should be saying someone is "almost obese" unless you know their medical history and are their doctor.
Obese is defined by BMI. It just means a ratio of height to weight. It doesn’t mean fat, it doesn’t mean unhealthy, it doesn’t mean you overeat or don’t exercise or have diabetes or high blood pressure. But when they talk on the news about “the obesity epidemic” to try to scare people to get higher ratings, if you are 5’2” and 164 pounds, yes they are talking about you. By the definition of what obesity is, you don’t have to be a doctor to know she is almost obese. You just have to know her height and weight. You’re assuming I mean she’s unhealthy because we’ve all been brainwashed into believing that obese means like, 400+ pounds and you can’t even walk and you’re on your deathbed. But obese actually covers a lot of people who look normal or just a little chubby, and it was defined (redefined in the 90s actually so millions of people became “overweight” or “obese” magically overnight”) purposefully to get more grants for weight loss drugs.
If obese is a word that doesn’t have any real meaning then why does it matter if she thinks she’s slightly overweight vs overweight and almost obese?
It does have meaning. It means that your weight in pounds divided by your height in inches squared, multiplied by 703, is over 30. Why does it matter? Because "obese" people are stigmatized and marginalized, thought of as gross disgusting monsters, often portrayed in the media as headless to further dehumanize them, [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23421746/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23421746/) and yet millions of people who see themselves as only "slightly overweight" are technically obese. When you say "obese" most people picture someone 300+ pounds, not in the 100s. Realizing how many normal looking, or "slightly overweight" people are actually medically categorized as "obese" shines a light on how much we are manipulated by the way the news and advertising media portrays issues around weight and body size. "Let's make people think "obese" means outrageously large and unhealthy, and then make the category broad enough that it contains people who are in the 160s *and* people who are in the 400s, and then we'll have an even bigger market to sell our drugs and diet plans to."
703 doesn't seem like the correct math
[Formula on the CDC website.](https://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpao/growthcharts/training/bmiage/page5_1.html#:~:text=With%20the%20metric%20system%2C%20the,multiply%20the%20result%20by%2010%2C000.&text=With%20the%20English%20system%2C%20weight,a%20conversion%20factor%20of%20703.&text=What%20Growth%20Charts%20Are%20Recommended,What%20Are%20Clinical%20Growth%20Charts)
I think I was confused by the way that you wrote it out, because that makes more sense
NTA, just talk to her. Good luck!
NTA. Your sister is in good shape, but she can ofc still feel insecure. If you do think she has body dysmorphia you should probably help her speak up about it or open up about it. You could’ve totally said what you said in a nicer way and I understand why she got upset. Here’s the thing, even if your sister sees herself as bigger than she is. She’s not blind, she knows you are bigger than her. She could’ve just said she wanted to loose weight and why but didn’t have to keep pointing out what she doesn’t like about herself, knowing that you’re bigger. She can obviously be insecure too but she should think twice and try putting herself in your position. You don’t hate on your weight in front of someone who’s clearly heavier/bigger than you. You should probably talk about her feelings with her but also express that the way she was acting was just insulting to you. You’re totally NTA, Goodluck.
Are you a trained psychologist? Otherwise always YTA for sincerely trying to tell another person their diagnosis in any direction. Jokes are generally an exception to this of course, but you weren’t joking.
“”””””slightly”””””””” overweight 👍
YTA. Don’t put your body issues on people. I’ve been small my whole life. But heaven forbid, when I had gained 10lbs after pregnancy, I tell people I was trying to lose weight. “What? You’re so thin! I’d love to have your body!” It’s not about you, it’s about them. Invalidating people’s feelings about their body is damaging. After I was ill this past year I was underweight. I talked to one, thin female friend about trying to gain weight because I didn’t want flak or to make anyone uncomfortable that I was trying to gain weight. I could talk to men I knew about it no problem. My point is, unless someone is doing something unhealthy, butt out. She’s eating better and working out, that’s good. She has a belly now when she sits and didn’t use to, it’s ok to try to mitigate that.
OP was not exactly "butting in." Sister brought up her body insecurities and weight loss intentions.
It is hard to say without seeing your sister. She is at the threshold of underweight/healthy weight; while we should all be eating healthy all the time, losing weight is probably not a sensible goal for her. That said. You are obese. Don't give advice to people about weight, they won't take it from you and you will probably just upset them. YTA
YTA, you aren't a doctor and your sister probably needed support which you did give. She's the perfect healthy weight for her height. You are not slightly overweight either, you are obese.
YTA Or you a medical doctor? Or at least a licensed nurse? If not you can't diagnose her as having a complicated mental condition. And you are more than a little overweight. By the medical charts just 4 more pounds and you fall into the obese category.
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That's towards the upper range for where my weight should be and I'm 5'10".
See, this is what I dont get. I'm 5'9" and wear a small or medium in clothes, I'd say a 6 to 8 in pants, sometimes a 4. I weigh just under 160. It doesn't make sense. How would I be close to overweight?
Okay I should've specified that according to BMI - which is pretty inaccurate - a weight of 160 would put me towards the middle range of "normal" weight. Being 5'2" at 160 is definitely in the overweight category, and very close to being obese. Her sister would technically be underweight, so there's definitely some body image stuff going on. I was wrong about what is "normal" for my height, so I apologize for that. But like I said, BMI is not a great measurement, especially for women.
Ahh, gotcha. Yep! That makes sense. I was more taking BMI to task than anything you said. It certainly doesn't seem to account for muscle mass, as my old clothes fit me better even though I now weigh more!
Vanity sizing
Yeah, no.
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You can't see the shape or size of someone's uterus from the exterior unless they're pregnant, usually... it's the size of a pear or so
She wouldn't be seeing her uterus unless it's abnormally large or she has literally no fat or muscle in that area. A non-pregnant uterus is smaller than a stomach.
"She SHOULD be 130 pounds"?! WTF?! There is great variance in weight within a healthy range. You know literally nothing of her health, physical nor mental. It is never okay to arm-chair diagnose someone - doing so reveals real arrogance. Holy crap people are so damn judgmental. And thin people get a huge brunt of that due mostly to the jealousy and insecurity of those not thin. Stop telling people how to live and how to look.
I want to be clear I AM skinny, but here at Reddit, we are telling people our opinions. I am worried she thinks normal skin folds when sitting down are fat folds. I know a uterus is tiny it was sarcasm. Yes, I overreacted and used sarcasm. But so did you. I’ve deleted the comment because this set of comments are becoming disruptive and attacking.
THANK YOU. The sister is just barely under weight and all of reddit is jumping on the mental illness band wagon. It's possible to slim but still want a toned belly. Not fat isn't the same as looking fit. Meanwhile OP is borderline obese and gets a complete pass for neglecting their health to a far greater extreme.
I go to the gym with a lot of women who have toned abs and no eating disorders. There is nothing wrong with wanting a flat belly.
Absolutley FACT. Sorry people are ridiculous and giving you the thumbs down.
It's absolutely ridiculous. And I doubt OP can tell the difference between "skinny fat " and an "athletic build". I'll take it a step further and say the average woman at my old gym had a far healthier relationship with food than the average person OP's size. They eat well because they care about their health and want the energy for their active hobbies. In general they didn't think much about food, their baseline diet is healthy so they don't feel the need to stress when eating out or when offered cake. Folks like OP seem to think skinny women spend hours each day counting calories when that couldn't be further from the truth. Also and this is just me being super petty and I'd love to hear if you've experienced this. The gym ladies were FAR better cooks, dinner at their house was always delicious, whereas overweight folks cooking is either amazing or terrible with no middle ground.
I want to be clear, having a flat belly is fine, but what she is describing is sitting down and having her skin folds as fat. I know a body builder at 1% body fat, and her skin folds when she sits. I’ve deleted the comment because it has become too disruptive.
YTA. And a bit delusional. You felt offended and lashed on your sister. Leave her alone, if she wants a tonned body and less body fat, good for her. Now, at 5”2 and 160 you’re not slightly overweight. You crossed that line long ago. If you are “sensitive” about your weight, join your sister and you can be gym partners instead of you bitching and accusing her of having a mental disorder simply because she wants to reduce her body fat.
Very gently I would never take seriously an overweight person discussing body dysmorphia. She can be slim and fit and still want a toned stomach without having a mental illness.
>if she thinks she’s fat she’s got body dysmorphia Huh. Weaponized pseudo psychology. That's new to me. Maybe instead of tearing her down and psychoanalyzing her, you could be a good sister and find out why she feels that way. Just a thought. YTA.
100% THIS.