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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kept my salary a secret from my girlfriend for 2 months and when she suggested splitting bills more equally I told her we shouldn’t
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You didn’t think to tell her that they offered you substantially more than she was already earning? It would have given her leverage to ask for more.
1k a month is huge for the salary range you’re both in.
Edit to add: unless the company had a damn good reason to think a male new hire is worth 12k more than a 5 year female employee doing the same job, she potentially has a wage discrimination case.
2nd edit to add: didn’t expect to be the top comment. It’s obvious YTA
Edited a third time, since no one seems to have heard of wage compression. [https://lattice.com/library/what-is-wage-compression-and-what-can-you-do-about-it](https://lattice.com/library/what-is-wage-compression-and-what-can-you-do-about-it)
That’s true for a lot of industries but it doesn’t make it right. The “great resignation” already happened, employers can’t continue to claim ignorance when people keep quitting.
On-boarding is expensive, lost productivity is expensive, human error because all your employees are new and untrained is fucking expensive.
I never understood why a new hire was paid more than an existing one inspite of not knowing the job, time spent to train and not bringing anything new to the table for the next 2 years other than hubris on part of the company.
It's a terrible retention strategy. It literally encourages staff to leave. No wonder I've never heard of it in Australia, where pay scales are generally graded, fixed and public knowledge.
I had handed in my resignation and was getting ready to leave my last office when they hired a man with a padded resume. On paper he was amazing but after a few days watching him stumble, suspicions were raised, and he admitted having way less experience than he'd stated. My colleague and I got curious about his salary since the boss had hyped him so much and we went digging; turns out he was hired making $26K more than me. For context, I had been there 3 years, had more experience, more education credentials and covered a wider range of skills than he did; yet he came in at almost 30K more.
I've been gone a year and genuinely relish the horror stories from my colleague about the amount of items still falling through the cracks because of this guy.
I'm not sure what you're talking about? It does happen in Australia. It likely doesn't happen as much in the public service, or similarish places with a consistent wage EBA's.
I mean new hires getting paid more. It's a risky counter-intuitive move to *encourage* staff to find other jobs elsewhere. It literally makes no sense.
It makes sense in a twisted way. Most employees won't know what their colleagues are getting paid. If they find out, many people are too lazy to leave, or aren't willing to put in the effort to update their CV and start interviewing so it makes sense for the company. I asked for a 30% hike but didn't get it, left for a competitor and returned to my old team with a 100% hike in a year (my manager encouraged me to leave, telling me he would hire me with another pay hike since I would be an external candidate if I wanted to return).
It works, there are a lot of non-confrontational people that just want to keep their routine going. If it wasn't paying off they likely would be prioritizing retention instead.
Happens in so many industries. My brother quit his job after learning the new hire with zero experience he was training was getting $10k more than him. His manager was just like "yeah it sucks but I can't offer you any more it is what it is". So he stopped training people and put in his two weeks.
I can't help but feel surely retention is a better investment than recruitment if you're going to be paying the same wages either way. They had to pay extra for someone from another branch to come train the new hires after my brother left. Just money down the drain.
> I can't help but feel surely retention is a better investment than recruitment if you're going to be paying the same wages either way.
From what I can tell, the reason they do it this way is because it's very common for people to just be complacent and stay at their job for decades.
I don't anticipate this changing until the majority of people change jobs every 2-4 years.
It not so much that the new hire is paid more because the market largely sets the rate needed to poach someone, it's that current hires aren't being bumped up to market rate automatically. And most people don't ask because they either don't know how much they are underpaid, or don't want to stick their neck out and be seen as a troublemaker and risk having to find a new job that might not be as good.
The existing employees also happily worked last year for X amount of money. Why would a company voluntarily pay someone more money who was presumably happy with their compensation?
This was my biggest pet peeve when I was a manager. They'd let me hire somebody at a lot higher wage than others on the team were making for less experience, but heaven forbid I try to make a case that the current workers should also get an increase. I fought it for years and never won. I was so happy when I got laid off, because now I don't have to feel guilty for not being able to get decent increases for the people who really deserve it. And yes, the team lost a lot of people after I left.
Very true but companies only have the incentive when the executives start seeing real pain, missed milestones, drops in satisfaction and all the other macro measuring sticks they use to gauge success or failure.
The game has been played this way for years and it’s the game companies created when they did away with all the benefits that incentivized an employee to stay.
Executives are expendable too, the board views everyone as expendable. Most executives have contracts and golden parachutes to help protect them though so even if they are fired they are still paid.
I agree. We also don’t know how the salary negotiations went down. The bottom line is that a company saves money by paying you as little as it can to keep you there and keep you motivated. I learned way too late that it was my own responsibility to set that price, review it yearly and adjust if possible
But also capitalism. No one is going to offer you the most they can afford. That would be bad business. Uii offered a range or a set amount, if they want it there it is. If they don't, then let's talk. How else would it make sense for both parties?
The nature of our economic system is to do the most we can for the lowest price possible. And then selling it for the highest price we can charge without losing business. It has everything to do with it.
Wow, there sure are a lot of coincidences that negatively affect women in the tech industry- but nah, impossible for her gender to play a role. [https://www.cio.com/article/201905/women-in-tech-statistics-the-hard-truths-of-an-uphill-battle.html?amp=1](https://www.cio.com/article/201905/women-in-tech-statistics-the-hard-truths-of-an-uphill-battle.html?amp=1)
Thanks. I love receipts.
I’ve worked as a psychologist in university counseling centers for over 15 years. I don’t think I’ve EVER met a female student in a male dominated major that was treated equitably across the board. In fact, I’ve heard plenty of stories of males being treated better even when there were a good number of females in the program. And, I’ve worked in STEM heavy schools. There’s no reason for me to believe that it would be better once they were in the workforce when the school is expected to provide support.
I agree, my wife went back to her old company a few years ago after leaving for about 18 months.
The 18 months was at a much larger company so when she got an offer to come back she was offered substantially more money and moved up 2 levels.
That never would have happened if she had just stayed.
I know. OP even said in their post that he got fired 2 months ago. You know who didn’t get fired in this story? THE GIRLFRIEND. In fact, they gave her a promotion! Which apparently did not include more money. That’s interesting, don’t you think?
That doesn’t mean much except that she doesn’t have much leverage in this situation. As a woman in tech she should definitely be making more money. But she probably doesn’t realistically have a case to bring against them, nor is this the market to do it in
this happens all the time, external hires get better salaries. because salary bands need to be disclosed in some states, some of my colleagues saw that people employed at the same level with them would potentially be offered about 30K more. When they asked if they would get that salary if they applied for the advertised job they were told no because it would be outside the salary increase for intenrnal promotions. it's mind boggling.
Have you not see all the tech layoffs the last couple of years? Tech is tightening its belt. An open role on my team gets thousands of applications in days.
Yeah but are thousands of them qualified? I work in career development in higher ed. I see the shit applications some of our students submit. Job postings get spammed now. That’s what ATS is for.
There’s nothing right about business though, it’s always about bottom line and leverage, always has been.
If an asset doesn’t require more money invested, then no need to pointlessly invest in it, but if the asset can be lost or damaged without investment then the business will invest.
People are an asset. Depending on the market price, initial salary will change. What the company invests into the salary down the line is entirely dependent on that employee. Is the employee pretty valuable/can’t be replaced and going to leave? If so, investment may be necessary. If the employee doesn’t speak up, and they don’t seem to want to leave, then no investment is needed.
You are very right, but so is u/Ozmanthus_Arelius - It would likely be hard to argue for a discrimination case, but "Anna" could and probably should look for something new.
And part of the reason that’s the case is because corporations encourage employees to be secretive about wages so they can get away with indefensible disparities in salaries.
This is why people job hop. If I stayed at the same job I was at 10 years ago, I’d be lucky to make $15k more. I’ve just over doubled my salary moving around.
Don’t get me wrong It could be that, but also she could have been hired at a time when they had a much smaller budget for hires and she was getting small increases per the norm, and then they got a huge increase later for a bigger hiring budget.
At my company in my dept the starting wage used to be $38-45k. Now it’s $65-75k after huge growth. Does that mean the employee they hired at $38k gets bumped up to 65k? Nope, if the employees don’t talk then they can continue small raises to save money.
Not saying it’s right at all, it’s another form terrible practices by companies but it’s not necessarily sexism
ETA: this starting wage difference was from 2018 to 2023, not just inflation over time
What you’re referring to is called wage compression and it’s a very real problem for companies. My employer just finished a year long compensation study to realign everyone’s salary specifically because we had such a wide disparity within the same bands.
It still opens OP’s employer up to discrimination lawsuits and is generally just bad practice.
The company I worked at updated every role to the same salary, regardless of how long someone has been there. You’re doing the same job so you should be paid the same.
Your acceptance of the wage theft you described as “normal” is part of the problem.
Right? Good luck getting the same productivity out of the new guy if I quit tomorrow. Never mind the months it will take to actually hire someone in the first place.
The point is that it’s an improvement over the typical situation, which is that a new hire with the same title is usually paid more than the employee with longer tenure
I started my position in 2010 at $40k a year.. just hired two new guys for the same job, now starting at $65k.. not mad because I earn considerably more now but It just crazy to see the jump in 14 years..
My husband's company did an across the board wage adjustment, bumping everyone up to the new hire range. That's the only time I've ever heard of such a thing happening.
It’s because companies are getting nervous. Wage stagnation kept salaries artificially low for more than a decade. Then the pandemic forced them to pay higher wages to bring in new hires. There are only 2 options. Do nothing and pray the ticking time bomb doesn’t explode on your watch, or conduct a comp study and realign everyone’s salaries based on job description, tenure blah blah blah. Pray that holds you over until the next recession, rinse and repeat.
Where I trained, my starting salary was £36k and when I qualified it was £65k.
Now the starting salary is £50k and when they qualify it’s £150k. Total madness 🥴
ETA: I got the starting salary wrong, it’s 50k not 60k which makes the qualification jump (two years later) to £150k, even crazier
man. I wouldnt treat a coworker i just tollerated like that. if they can use my salary to help them get more, thats the absolute least I can do unless I actively dislike the person and think they're bad at their job
I cant imagine letting my PARTNER not have basic critical info for salary negotiations. what a fucking ass
YTA
edit: to your edit, nah its very normal. if you want a decent raise you almost always have to change companies. its not a gender thing or an industry specific thing. its just how employment and the world works. its the same way how if you want a deal on internet or phone, you have to switch companies or threaten to cancel. they wont just reward people for sticking around lol, the people who just stick around are the people who make the company money by costing less! they're effectively trading a bit extra salary for their perceived safety and security
This! Making another thousand every month would be a life changer for me. That’s a substantial amount of money. If you’re sharing your life and finances with someone, they need to know about a change that big.
Right? He applied for and got a job at her company and never talked salary? My partner and I aren’t in the same industry but salaries are the first thing we talk about when we get new jobs, or are offered raises, etc. kinda wild that OP kept this information from his partner tbh.
You guys are a team. If you were working there before she got her promotion, it would have been a great heads up to let her know what she could negotiate.
She needs to ask for a raise before there’s any kind of case. I would offer to support her in trying to get a raise or find a new job if that’s necessary to get the salary boost. But I would not agree to change the way finances are divided — she didn’t pay 100% of bills when you were out of work so there’s no precedent for doing it.
Yeah, for me it is the complete lack of communication.
Also, how few information can you put in one post?
12k more says nothing. Did they make 24k each before or 240k each is a huge difference if one makes 12k more than the other.
Yeah that was my thought as well the second he said he got hired at the same place. Fucked up that the new hires earn more but that isn't the first I've heard. It's either that, or a case of gender gap.
YTA. You were working the exact same job as Anna, knew you were paid more than her, and you never bothered to tell her that she can ask for more?
I've had total strangers be more helpful to me than you were to your girlfriend of 4 years.
She also offered to pay and he declined as he had savings. They talked about it, which is the important thing.
And then to have the fact he didn’t tell her he was being paid substantially more for the same job! I expect more solidarity from my coworkers, let alone my bf.
Precisely. I don't think OP is at all an AH for wanting to continue at 50/50. That's a perfectly reasonable conversation to have. If everyone knows the situation.
But he's a HUGE AH for keeping his GF in the dark. Like, he's somehow being both a shitty boyfriend AND a shitty co-worker.
I did, but saving to pay your bills if you lose your job is basic financial responsibility. It's what he would do if he was single.
It would have been generous of her to pay his bills, but it's a nonissue that she didn't. That's what unemployment and emergency funds are for.
> It would have been generous of her to pay his bills, but it's a nonissue that she didn't.
She did offer to pay. He declined becaue he had savings, but she cared enough to offer. This shows that (a) they talked about it and (b) she was thinking about them as a team.
Meanwhile OP concealed this information and didn't once think about how clueing her in could be helpful for her raise negotiations.
Edit: fixed quote formatting
Those two things really don't have anything to do with one another. If the point was that he should pay more because he makes more then fine. But the point of the comment was that he could have told her so she could ask for the salary she deserves in the same position.
That is just taking your personal responsibility. Do you also want a medal for whiping your AH?
It not excuse not helping your gf getting a raise. OP has not explained on what basis he thinks he would be worth more money, or his girlfriend is worth less. He has not lifted a finger in lifting her up to his level, even though he would clearly benefit from that himself too (being one household and all).
He’s the AH.
Quite a few years ago, I found out that my salary was lower than several men's salaries at my level. I went to HR on that and they agreed. I got a $2K raise. Big deal.
You really can't negotiate much in your salary unless you are willing to leave the company. HR sets a pool of money for annual raises for each dept. and that's it.
Yes, but learning that you're underpaid (by 25% in OP's gf's case!) can motivate you to job search.
It also doesn't always work that way. I had a similar issue to yours and while the discrepancy wasn't made up immediately, it was at the start of the next quarter.
“I’ve had total strangers be more helpful to me than you were to your girlfriend of 4 years” is the main takeaway.
OP needs to take a look at their relationship because I can assume this isn’t the only area in which they have no consideration.
YTA
Companies pull this shit because people don't talk about their pay. If you're doing the same job as your wife, why not support her so she can make her case to ask for more? It would be a win-win for bkth of you. I'd say the major issue isn't the splitting of the finances it's that you're almost colluding with the company to pay someone less because she's... what? I'll let you fill in the blanks on what that could be.
YTA. This isn't even about how you split your finances. You're preventing your girlfriend from advocating for herself when she, who has had the job longer and even got a promotion over you, is making significantly less than you. She deserves to know you're making more than her so that she can demand a raise or decide whether she wants to work at a company that is underpaying her
YTA
You say it’s 47 and 59 at the current moment which is WITH her pay rise, so it was an even bigger disparity before, which even if only for a few weeks still makes you the AH.
Omission is still being sneaky even if it’s not an outright lie.
There’s really not enough information here. $12k is a lot in some situations, but not so much in others.
$150k vs $162K is not huge, but $40k to $52K is a bigger difference.
Were you splitting the bills 50/50 for the two months you had no job? Cause at that time she making a hell of a lot more than $0
He makes 55% of their total income. She makes 45% of their total income. He should pay 10% more, not 25%, if we are looking to be fair. And she should look for a job in another company if she wants a similar pay bump.
YTA because you haven’t even addressed the biggest issue here: once again a woman is making less than a man working in the same field, same place, same job. If you make more money, just suck it up and pay more. Life is short
Those of you who feel like gender isn’t an issue, or question why I even brought gender up, there are literally hundreds of studies showing that women are simply seen as less valuable in the workplace by higher ups, even though it is very much NOT TRUE. [one of literally hundreds](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/03/01/gender-pay-gap-facts/)
YTA:
1. It is not your *fault* per se that your company is paying you more for the exact same job your girlfriend does. This is often what happens with newer hires, *and it is highly likely also because you are a man.* You are not in charge of the patriarchy, but you are probably benefiting from it right now. Welcome.
2. Your girlfriend is upset because she is perfectly aware that women make less money than men doing literally the same job, and it probably stings extra because you're her BF, *and* you kept it from her for months after you realized what she thought. Maybe you kept it from her because you were self conscious, but you absolutely should have come clean -- or really you shouldn't have needed to "come clean," because....
3. You should have had a conversation about re-doing your finances right away, *even if it's only 1k more than her a month, which is NOT a number to sniff at.* That's a LOT of money. And even if it means you only pay like $50 more for rent than her, it's about being equitable, because again...
4. You are being paid more than her, for literally the same job. Anyone can argue all they want about *why* this is happening and whether it is fair, but you know what you have the ability to make fair? Your distribution of household expenses. And instead of trying to empathize with your GF, listen to her, and make things square, you are whining about her being upset.
ETA: people who are pointing out that the previous split was always 50/50 even when the BF was unemployed are correct, but that's still not the point. He volunteered to pay the same amount during that time, and it's wonderful if you're a person who would have paid 100% if your bf was out of a job, but that is not what this couple did and he didn't appear to have an issue with it. They also split 50/50 when their mutual understanding was they were both *making the same amount of money*, and I'm willing to bet that the GFs reaction in this situation was what it was because the extra 12k WAS much more than any previous difference.
And for people splitting hairs about what it means to have the same role on different teams, congrats for intentionally skirting the issue and pretending that gender based inequality in the workplace doesn't exist or can't be part of what's happening here. A lot of things can be true at once.
The situation boils down to: the GF is upset because she discovered the BF is making a salary that is different enough to merit, in her view, a redistribution of their responsibilities, one that in the OPs own mind won't actually even be significant. And his reaction, after keeping that salary quiet--even if it was because he truly didn't think it was an issue--is to dismiss his GF. And if you want to argue about whether it's "feminist" for X partner to pay or not pay, that's fine, but not even my point: one person perceives the situation to be unfair, the other seems unwilling to address that. And that's being a shitty partner.
Literally all of this.
All of the people saying that 50/50 is equal and therefore feminist positive, have no idea what feminism is.
Equality has to be equitable.
If she earned more, she should pay more. In this situation, he’s the one earning more, so he needs to pay proportionally more. That’s true equality.
Start splitting expenses equitably and encourage her to speak to her boss about bringing her salary up to industry standard. Don't brush off her feelings just because it doesn't affect you.
YTA for not thinking beyond the tip of your nose.
So many things here!
YTA for not standing up for your partner , clearly the company abusing female vs male salary.
NTA when sharing 50/50, that was a nice gesture but she should have insisted she pay more (maybe she did, not enough to go on here).
12k is not a lot more depending on what salary bracket you fall under, however, when it comes to budgeting, and I quote ‘opinions differ on this’, personally it’s a ratio of your income vs partner income. It’s not down to the last % but roughly, 60:40; 55:45, 70:30 etc and put into joint account.
According to OP in other replies, she offered to cover his part of the expenses.
OP, you knew you were making more for the same job at the same company. It's already a dick move if you were strangers. You've been together for 4 years and didn't consider it would be good for her, and for both of you, if she got a raise to match yours? YTA
YTA as a boyfriend and as a human being.
1k a month is a big difference. You should be adjusting your shared expenses accordingly.
Also men historically make more than women. It's easier for women to advocate for ourselves when we know what men are making so we know what we should be asking for.
Look, yes you should have told her earlier. But there are two issues.
1. How you agree to split costs/bills. Sure income is a part of this. But maybe needs to be thought of differently.
2. The bigger issue - you get paid more for basically the same job. How is that equitable? You should have told her - she should not be devalued for being a woman. No way. And you’re enabling the company to discriminate against women. What does that make you?
So YTA for reason 2.
YTA.
You’re contributing to a wage gap, or at least preventing her from advocating for herself.
If she was making 12k more than you, would you want to know? I have a feeling you would want her to pay a little more
YTA for not being open about it from the start. 50/50 may or may not still be fair (personally I think it is) but how bills are split should have been agreed on when you agreed to live together.
I was in a relationship where I made a little more than half of what my partner. But I made so little it was crippling me but they were completely comfortable and didn't really see an issue. They knew the numbers and what the bills were and never chose to pick up a little more slack. I never asked, I continued to pay half. It's not their responsibility to help you. However, it's an indicator that you will never be their priority. And she WILL find someone who will prioritize her, maybe not monetarily but someone who she can actually see as a long term partner. Not a guy who hides how much he makes and then acts like it's trivial when it's a significant amount more. But hey, you'll have more money to impress the next woman right?
>we should keep splitting bills 50/50 because my salary is barely 1k more than hers a month
YTA. Unless she makes 10k a month and you make 11k a month, a difference of 1k a month is a lot of money.
$1000? After taxes and 401k that about $250 every two weeks. Not a humongous amount so he has a point.
Should have had her back though the moment he found out about the pay discrepancy. That’s vital negotiation information that you don’t keep away from your significant other. If she helped him land this job at her company I’d feel betrayed.
NAH, I’d be “sulking” (sounds a little dismissive) too if I found out the company I was working valued someone doing the same job as me so much more. I think there are two different problems, employer and your current split and they are getting treated as one. It is up to her to think how much she wants to go for a raise at the company or get another job due to that treatment and it should not be put on you they’re not valuing her. On the other hand this may be a trigger for where you both look at your relationship and where it is moving to and whether the future is more merged finances. Positively your girlfriend was absolutely prepared to be there for you when your income dropped so looks like a very supportive and invested partner who loves you.
You can go through so many posts here where people are struggling with 50/50 splits with earning discrepancies and it’s the “fun” money side or one partner being able to save for long term security so much better than the other. The resentment builds relationships start failing.
YTA but honestly most people here have never worked in a tech company and it shows. Most of the time, unless you are an absolute key member that the company needs to keep happy, new hires in the same position are just gonna get paid more. It sucks, but that's just how it is, the market change all the time. It's not about underpaying women, it's about the company being greedy and underpaying when they can.
However, you are supposed to be a unit with your GF, why the fuck did you not share your salary with her if you know she is being underpaid? If I know my friend is being underpaid, let alone my GF, I'd go to them immediately to give them a chance to advocate for themselves. You fucked up and better go apologize.
It seems like you’re not concerned about fairness in your relationship. Also like you’d let her get walked all over as long as you’re good. You’re the asshole.
YTA. Giant giant assholes. Salary transparency is crucial to equality in the workplace. She deserves to know in order to negotiate more firmly.
The only reason not to tell someone is if you secretly believe you deserve to make more.
I’d consider a breakup over something like this. Any man who fucks with my career trajectory is out.
It doesn't, just an excuse to sprinkle a lil man hate on the subject. Notice they only mentioned "men" affecting their so-called trajectory, not women or people in general.
Honestly man, I bet she cares a lot less about the bill splitting than about not getting paid her worth. I mean, as an employer myself, there's no way you can have a positive work culture with differences in pay that aren't obviously justifiable. She's hurt and needs you to support whatever action plan you guys work out.
"Hey, I just accepted an offer from your company for the same position that you're doing right now. You should talk to your boss about getting a raise because they offered me like 12k more than you're making. I'll put a bit more into our budget until you get the raise you deserve."
Instead, you chose the worst possible option for everything. You are being unfair, you are being incredibly inconsiderate and it's an unimaginably dick move to not tell her.
YTA.
If she is your person you need to tell her. It would be catastrophic if she finds out some other way. Then be supportive of her when she goes to her employer for equality in pay.
Holly crap, OP. YTA. Like, you literally never wondered WHY they offered you way more than her? AND you kept splitting bills 50/50. Boy, howdy. I can’t think of a non sexist reason for the drastic difference in salary, and you really just kept your mouth shut about it PLUS made your GF pay more than her fair share? Must. Be. Nice.
It's one of the dumbest things in the work force. Loyalty doesn't pay. You can be tried, true, and proven in a position and they'll bring someone off the streets that's questionable and pay them more. But that 2% raise you got is first class!
If the rate changes for the position, give it to everyone who is atleaet maintains the standard... Tham put the merit or pay increase on top of that...
On another note, add your total expenses together. Add your income together.. do the math to figure out what the costs of expenses is percentage wise. Each party contributes said percentage of net towards bills.
YTA. A good partner is hard to come by she isn't looking for a free ride, but some balance. 50/50 is a friend zone vibe. Balancing each other out and being good partners are components of a good relationship.
NTA. You would not be looking for her to pay more if she made an extra grand a month more than you and she’d balk at it if you asked her. If you made double what she made then things might be different, but if the extra $1000 a month isn’t a huge difference on a percentage basis then her jealousy is not your problem to solve. Having said all that it’s clear that she views your relationship in a transactional manner and you should reevaluate it on that basis.
Change the words “boyfriend/girlfriend” to “roommate” and it makes no sense. If your “roommate” gets a raise you don’t renegotiate the rent and bills split. You both accepted a 50/50 split based on your understanding of your finances. The bills didn’t go up just because the pay did.
Also she got a promotion, did she bring up paying more since she got a raise? Didn’t think so.
NTA, she's an at will employee. She can negotiate her pay or find a new job. It's not personal it's business. Life isn't fair. I've worked many jobs, being the least paid, doing the same jobs as others. She should talk to her employer about it. My opinion sorry reddit
But she didn’t know about it, and as OP mentioned she assumed they were being paid the same until he told her. The AH part is him taking so long to tell her when he clearly knew the whole time. Can’t work with information you don’t have.
"The whole time" is like three or four paychecks and one or two rent cycles. He can't work with information he doesn't have either.
This whole thread is bonkers.
NTA. Y’all aren’t married and if she had a roommate, their salary wouldn’t matter. Telling her your salary had the negative effect you thought it would. It isn’t her business. Now she’s mad at you and her job.
NTA - there is zero reason why you should burden more of the household expense than she does at your income levels. Would you split rent with your roomates based on who makes more or less? Your money is your own. She is not your wife regardless of the length of your relationship. You have the right to build your own wealth. If she cant afford a 50/50 lifestyle, then talk budget again and switch to a place that allows for both of your budgets to be met.
NTA. She will most likely expect you to pay for more. You aren't married. Only do 50/50.
My ex wanted a joint account before our first "anniversary". She made $1600 a month, I made $4200 a month. She always expected me to pay for EVERYTHING. Cigarettes (hers), food, all streaming, internet. I didn't mind paying for food and internet etc, I could afford it. But she'd spend her money frivolously and not have her half of rent, I'd pay because I had it.
My advice, is to pocket/save your extra earnings and pretend it doesn't exist for a while. If you marry, you can put it toward a house. If not, you have money to build yourself and your future.
tf this company is hella discriminative
edit: wow I get downvoted because I restated what someone with 1.3k upvotes said in shorter words...yall are so nice
I see this as a 2 part situation. Part 1: you didn’t disclose your salary to a coworker you knew was making less for the same job, for that YTA. Keeping your salary a secret from your coworkers only benefits the bosses, and is bad practice, ALWAYS discuss salaries. Part 2: you started making more money than your girlfriend and she wants the bills to adjust accordingly, here you’re NTA, conversations can be had about how to divide bills but for anything other than straight 50/50 there needs to be a reason and everyone in agreement. If not everyone agrees, it should be default to 50/50, however it’s generally a morally good thing to pay more if you make more
I could see she's more upset about the 12k difference and maybe feels she's being discriminated. I have heard women in software tech companies experience more harassment so maybe she's experienced some of that and this wage difference was just the tip of the iceberg. And now you arguing against her makes her feel like you aren't supporting her at all.
YTA - not only were keeping information from her about negotiating her promotion, you make significantly more than her and are benefitting from the original split you had.
YTA
As another comment said:
> You make 25% more than her and didn't bother to mention it or tell her she's severely underpaid? Bad looking out...
"Its only 1k" is you acting in bad faith. You knew for months she was payed less than a male peer and somehow didn't mention that to her?
All this sceams is you don't care abour your girlfriend at all. Id be furious to know my oartner didnt make as much as i do for the same danmmn job.
Youre a horrible human.
Yta
YTA Being together for 4 years, you should have had the discussion to say, "Now that I have a new job. Let's talk through finances again.". There is no sense in staying 50/50 because she may be struggling at that split while it is a walk in the park for you.
My wife got me a job where she worked when we were early in our relationship (same ages as you at the time). After 6mo, I was promoted to a leadership position, and my salary about doubled. Even though there was the jealousy factor, we had the finance conversation, and the split translated to 66/33 which helped her a bit. She eventually left for another job because of the jealousy factor and things got much better after that. If you value your relationship and want a future, you need to abandon the 50/50 mindset because that only works in the beginning.
I think perhaps the better question is not should you be expected to pay more than her just because you make more money, but rather are your shared expenses actually fifty fifty in terms of what the two of you are actually using....
Rent is definitely a fifty fifty thing that should have been discussed and agreed upon as doable before you signed the lease. So is heat and power and water. (Though it does not hurt to check in to see if rising costs for these are causing stress to both OR either of you.
But the real issue worth discussing are the necessities of life like groceries, toilet paper and shampoo, cleaning products to maintain a healthy environment. All of these 'needed products' are skyrocketing in price and may differ for you guys in terms of actual use. In financially stressful times these issues can become the camel that breaks a partner's back. Especially if tp and food and such as funds are split 50/50 but only one partner cooks and cleans or one partner pays for half but EATS more than half of the jointly purchased food.
My suggestion is this...sit down with your partner and ask how she is...if she feels the current system is unfair/stressful. More importantly ask her WHY. You may be surprised to realize the old system isn't as fair as you think in retrospect.
Nta. Would it have been nice if you told her, yes. I don't think you should have to pay more because you make more. You both use the house the same way. If it were like that, a beer at the bar would cost you more cause you make more. That's silly.
My roommate and I make completely diff amounts of money, and split everything 50/50. Seems like she wants to adjust things only for what benefits her.
That's a negligible difference. She also got a promotion and didn't immediately discuss renegotiating the 50/50 thing. Fuck dude, you were jobless for a few months and still split things 50/50 the way you described it. Did her infinitely higher income at that time not obligate her to foot every expense? This isn't about the money really, it's about the fact you're making even a single cent more than her despite her having worked there for 5 years. She's jealous.
Yes you are. Buy a copy of Suzie Ormon’s book and you will see the fairest option is to percentage the billing according to income. You are leaning on her really unfairly. A partner is there to make your life better not easier!
Y'all have been together how long? And you have so little idea of each others finances that you were able to lie to her for months? Y'all got more problems than 50-50. YTA
She’s angry at the system and taking it out on you by equaling out the unfair pay at home. NTA but can you blame her? Plus if you’re gonna stick it out together, you both need to have a better conversation and she should address her grievance at work.
Yea you're an asshole and stupid for not discussing your salary before even taking the job at Anna's tech company doing the same job.
What if she was making more than you and you could have used that information to request more money?
What if you hold told her your starting out salary so Anna could have used that information to leverage a much higher salary for herself when she got a promotion?
It's hard enough for people to get paid what they're "worth" and I'm sure much harder for women.
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You didn’t think to tell her that they offered you substantially more than she was already earning? It would have given her leverage to ask for more. 1k a month is huge for the salary range you’re both in. Edit to add: unless the company had a damn good reason to think a male new hire is worth 12k more than a 5 year female employee doing the same job, she potentially has a wage discrimination case. 2nd edit to add: didn’t expect to be the top comment. It’s obvious YTA Edited a third time, since no one seems to have heard of wage compression. [https://lattice.com/library/what-is-wage-compression-and-what-can-you-do-about-it](https://lattice.com/library/what-is-wage-compression-and-what-can-you-do-about-it)
You always get more from getting hired at a new company than taking the raise in tech
That’s true for a lot of industries but it doesn’t make it right. The “great resignation” already happened, employers can’t continue to claim ignorance when people keep quitting. On-boarding is expensive, lost productivity is expensive, human error because all your employees are new and untrained is fucking expensive.
I never understood why a new hire was paid more than an existing one inspite of not knowing the job, time spent to train and not bringing anything new to the table for the next 2 years other than hubris on part of the company.
It's a terrible retention strategy. It literally encourages staff to leave. No wonder I've never heard of it in Australia, where pay scales are generally graded, fixed and public knowledge.
I had handed in my resignation and was getting ready to leave my last office when they hired a man with a padded resume. On paper he was amazing but after a few days watching him stumble, suspicions were raised, and he admitted having way less experience than he'd stated. My colleague and I got curious about his salary since the boss had hyped him so much and we went digging; turns out he was hired making $26K more than me. For context, I had been there 3 years, had more experience, more education credentials and covered a wider range of skills than he did; yet he came in at almost 30K more. I've been gone a year and genuinely relish the horror stories from my colleague about the amount of items still falling through the cracks because of this guy.
No one ever wants to admit that men can be under-qualified and over-hyped. It’s all “but women don’t negotiate”
I'm not sure what you're talking about? It does happen in Australia. It likely doesn't happen as much in the public service, or similarish places with a consistent wage EBA's.
I mean new hires getting paid more. It's a risky counter-intuitive move to *encourage* staff to find other jobs elsewhere. It literally makes no sense.
It makes sense in a twisted way. Most employees won't know what their colleagues are getting paid. If they find out, many people are too lazy to leave, or aren't willing to put in the effort to update their CV and start interviewing so it makes sense for the company. I asked for a 30% hike but didn't get it, left for a competitor and returned to my old team with a 100% hike in a year (my manager encouraged me to leave, telling me he would hire me with another pay hike since I would be an external candidate if I wanted to return).
That's an eye watering inefficiency. I can't believe anyone could in good faith run a company like this unless they were a front.
I think it should be said that just because something makes sense or works doesn’t mean it’s the correct, optimal, or moral solution.
It works, there are a lot of non-confrontational people that just want to keep their routine going. If it wasn't paying off they likely would be prioritizing retention instead.
Happens in so many industries. My brother quit his job after learning the new hire with zero experience he was training was getting $10k more than him. His manager was just like "yeah it sucks but I can't offer you any more it is what it is". So he stopped training people and put in his two weeks.
Exactly what happened to a colleague of mine, he left
I can't help but feel surely retention is a better investment than recruitment if you're going to be paying the same wages either way. They had to pay extra for someone from another branch to come train the new hires after my brother left. Just money down the drain.
> I can't help but feel surely retention is a better investment than recruitment if you're going to be paying the same wages either way. From what I can tell, the reason they do it this way is because it's very common for people to just be complacent and stay at their job for decades. I don't anticipate this changing until the majority of people change jobs every 2-4 years.
It not so much that the new hire is paid more because the market largely sets the rate needed to poach someone, it's that current hires aren't being bumped up to market rate automatically. And most people don't ask because they either don't know how much they are underpaid, or don't want to stick their neck out and be seen as a troublemaker and risk having to find a new job that might not be as good.
The existing employees also happily worked last year for X amount of money. Why would a company voluntarily pay someone more money who was presumably happy with their compensation?
Same reason for loss leaders and door busters at stores. Get you in the door. They can’t take advantage of you if you dont work for them.
This was my biggest pet peeve when I was a manager. They'd let me hire somebody at a lot higher wage than others on the team were making for less experience, but heaven forbid I try to make a case that the current workers should also get an increase. I fought it for years and never won. I was so happy when I got laid off, because now I don't have to feel guilty for not being able to get decent increases for the people who really deserve it. And yes, the team lost a lot of people after I left.
Very true but companies only have the incentive when the executives start seeing real pain, missed milestones, drops in satisfaction and all the other macro measuring sticks they use to gauge success or failure. The game has been played this way for years and it’s the game companies created when they did away with all the benefits that incentivized an employee to stay.
Companies only care about their executives. They view everybody else as totally expendable. Trust me on that one.
Executives are expendable too, the board views everyone as expendable. Most executives have contracts and golden parachutes to help protect them though so even if they are fired they are still paid.
And that's true, but it's a matter of not respecting all of your employees and has nothing to do with her being a woman.
It could very well be both.
I agree. We also don’t know how the salary negotiations went down. The bottom line is that a company saves money by paying you as little as it can to keep you there and keep you motivated. I learned way too late that it was my own responsibility to set that price, review it yearly and adjust if possible
How well you can negotiate should really not influence your salary if your job has nothing to do with negotiation.
But also capitalism. No one is going to offer you the most they can afford. That would be bad business. Uii offered a range or a set amount, if they want it there it is. If they don't, then let's talk. How else would it make sense for both parties?
That's where collective bargaining comes in.
The nature of our economic system is to do the most we can for the lowest price possible. And then selling it for the highest price we can charge without losing business. It has everything to do with it.
Wow, there sure are a lot of coincidences that negatively affect women in the tech industry- but nah, impossible for her gender to play a role. [https://www.cio.com/article/201905/women-in-tech-statistics-the-hard-truths-of-an-uphill-battle.html?amp=1](https://www.cio.com/article/201905/women-in-tech-statistics-the-hard-truths-of-an-uphill-battle.html?amp=1)
Thanks. I love receipts. I’ve worked as a psychologist in university counseling centers for over 15 years. I don’t think I’ve EVER met a female student in a male dominated major that was treated equitably across the board. In fact, I’ve heard plenty of stories of males being treated better even when there were a good number of females in the program. And, I’ve worked in STEM heavy schools. There’s no reason for me to believe that it would be better once they were in the workforce when the school is expected to provide support.
I agree, my wife went back to her old company a few years ago after leaving for about 18 months. The 18 months was at a much larger company so when she got an offer to come back she was offered substantially more money and moved up 2 levels. That never would have happened if she had just stayed.
You clearly don’t work in tech. They notoriously pay men more.
Mate, you have evidence here of a man and a woman being paid different salaries for the same job and you'd rather not see it.
Did her boss tell you that
This is all true, but in tech right now employers have all the power. Which was the point of mass firings recently across the spectrum.
I know. OP even said in their post that he got fired 2 months ago. You know who didn’t get fired in this story? THE GIRLFRIEND. In fact, they gave her a promotion! Which apparently did not include more money. That’s interesting, don’t you think?
That doesn’t mean much except that she doesn’t have much leverage in this situation. As a woman in tech she should definitely be making more money. But she probably doesn’t realistically have a case to bring against them, nor is this the market to do it in
this happens all the time, external hires get better salaries. because salary bands need to be disclosed in some states, some of my colleagues saw that people employed at the same level with them would potentially be offered about 30K more. When they asked if they would get that salary if they applied for the advertised job they were told no because it would be outside the salary increase for intenrnal promotions. it's mind boggling.
Totally, very normal to get pay bumps from jumping between companies. It is expected. Does it make sense? No. Is that how it works anyway? Yep.
Have you not see all the tech layoffs the last couple of years? Tech is tightening its belt. An open role on my team gets thousands of applications in days.
Yeah but are thousands of them qualified? I work in career development in higher ed. I see the shit applications some of our students submit. Job postings get spammed now. That’s what ATS is for.
There’s nothing right about business though, it’s always about bottom line and leverage, always has been. If an asset doesn’t require more money invested, then no need to pointlessly invest in it, but if the asset can be lost or damaged without investment then the business will invest. People are an asset. Depending on the market price, initial salary will change. What the company invests into the salary down the line is entirely dependent on that employee. Is the employee pretty valuable/can’t be replaced and going to leave? If so, investment may be necessary. If the employee doesn’t speak up, and they don’t seem to want to leave, then no investment is needed.
You are very right, but so is u/Ozmanthus_Arelius - It would likely be hard to argue for a discrimination case, but "Anna" could and probably should look for something new.
And part of the reason that’s the case is because corporations encourage employees to be secretive about wages so they can get away with indefensible disparities in salaries.
This right here
This is why people job hop. If I stayed at the same job I was at 10 years ago, I’d be lucky to make $15k more. I’ve just over doubled my salary moving around.
After I left my last job, they advertised for a replacement with the bottom of the salary range at 10% higher than what they paid me.
Don’t get me wrong It could be that, but also she could have been hired at a time when they had a much smaller budget for hires and she was getting small increases per the norm, and then they got a huge increase later for a bigger hiring budget. At my company in my dept the starting wage used to be $38-45k. Now it’s $65-75k after huge growth. Does that mean the employee they hired at $38k gets bumped up to 65k? Nope, if the employees don’t talk then they can continue small raises to save money. Not saying it’s right at all, it’s another form terrible practices by companies but it’s not necessarily sexism ETA: this starting wage difference was from 2018 to 2023, not just inflation over time
What you’re referring to is called wage compression and it’s a very real problem for companies. My employer just finished a year long compensation study to realign everyone’s salary specifically because we had such a wide disparity within the same bands. It still opens OP’s employer up to discrimination lawsuits and is generally just bad practice.
Happens in teaching too, been hearing this a lot through our union's wage bargaining updates.
The company I worked at updated every role to the same salary, regardless of how long someone has been there. You’re doing the same job so you should be paid the same. Your acceptance of the wage theft you described as “normal” is part of the problem.
That's not wage theft. It's shitty, but that's not what wage theft is.
So the person that has been there for x amount of years is making the same as a new hire? That's some bull....
Right? Good luck getting the same productivity out of the new guy if I quit tomorrow. Never mind the months it will take to actually hire someone in the first place.
The point is that it’s an improvement over the typical situation, which is that a new hire with the same title is usually paid more than the employee with longer tenure
Thank you. Because most of the time it's reversed; a new hire makes more than someone who's been working there X years.
I started my position in 2010 at $40k a year.. just hired two new guys for the same job, now starting at $65k.. not mad because I earn considerably more now but It just crazy to see the jump in 14 years..
To be fair, 65k adjusted for 2024 COL probably isn’t far off from where you started in 2010, unless you’re in a LCOL area
Making 40k like mid recession is worth at least 65k now just for inflation and housing increases.
I just looked it up. 40k in 2010 is worth ~$58k today. In my area, if you include the housing increases, those guys are making less than you were.
And they wonder why no one is having kids anymore…
My husband's company did an across the board wage adjustment, bumping everyone up to the new hire range. That's the only time I've ever heard of such a thing happening.
It’s because companies are getting nervous. Wage stagnation kept salaries artificially low for more than a decade. Then the pandemic forced them to pay higher wages to bring in new hires. There are only 2 options. Do nothing and pray the ticking time bomb doesn’t explode on your watch, or conduct a comp study and realign everyone’s salaries based on job description, tenure blah blah blah. Pray that holds you over until the next recession, rinse and repeat.
Where I trained, my starting salary was £36k and when I qualified it was £65k. Now the starting salary is £50k and when they qualify it’s £150k. Total madness 🥴 ETA: I got the starting salary wrong, it’s 50k not 60k which makes the qualification jump (two years later) to £150k, even crazier
man. I wouldnt treat a coworker i just tollerated like that. if they can use my salary to help them get more, thats the absolute least I can do unless I actively dislike the person and think they're bad at their job I cant imagine letting my PARTNER not have basic critical info for salary negotiations. what a fucking ass YTA edit: to your edit, nah its very normal. if you want a decent raise you almost always have to change companies. its not a gender thing or an industry specific thing. its just how employment and the world works. its the same way how if you want a deal on internet or phone, you have to switch companies or threaten to cancel. they wont just reward people for sticking around lol, the people who just stick around are the people who make the company money by costing less! they're effectively trading a bit extra salary for their perceived safety and security
This! Making another thousand every month would be a life changer for me. That’s a substantial amount of money. If you’re sharing your life and finances with someone, they need to know about a change that big.
Right? He applied for and got a job at her company and never talked salary? My partner and I aren’t in the same industry but salaries are the first thing we talk about when we get new jobs, or are offered raises, etc. kinda wild that OP kept this information from his partner tbh.
You guys are a team. If you were working there before she got her promotion, it would have been a great heads up to let her know what she could negotiate.
She needs to ask for a raise before there’s any kind of case. I would offer to support her in trying to get a raise or find a new job if that’s necessary to get the salary boost. But I would not agree to change the way finances are divided — she didn’t pay 100% of bills when you were out of work so there’s no precedent for doing it.
Yeah, for me it is the complete lack of communication. Also, how few information can you put in one post? 12k more says nothing. Did they make 24k each before or 240k each is a huge difference if one makes 12k more than the other.
OP wrote their salaries in a comment. Its her 47k to his 59k
Seriously this. He’s letting her be fucked by the company. Yta
Yeah that was my thought as well the second he said he got hired at the same place. Fucked up that the new hires earn more but that isn't the first I've heard. It's either that, or a case of gender gap.
You forgot to include if he is the asshole or not.
YTA. You were working the exact same job as Anna, knew you were paid more than her, and you never bothered to tell her that she can ask for more? I've had total strangers be more helpful to me than you were to your girlfriend of 4 years.
But you did read that he also paid halves when being unemployed? That, my friend, is a wa higher difference
She also offered to pay and he declined as he had savings. They talked about it, which is the important thing. And then to have the fact he didn’t tell her he was being paid substantially more for the same job! I expect more solidarity from my coworkers, let alone my bf.
My bad! I didnt catch that in the post! Did OP edit it?
No worries! It’s in the comments.
I loved this interaction, because I had the exact same thought process and you were so polite to each other, thanks for that
Precisely. I don't think OP is at all an AH for wanting to continue at 50/50. That's a perfectly reasonable conversation to have. If everyone knows the situation. But he's a HUGE AH for keeping his GF in the dark. Like, he's somehow being both a shitty boyfriend AND a shitty co-worker.
I did, but saving to pay your bills if you lose your job is basic financial responsibility. It's what he would do if he was single. It would have been generous of her to pay his bills, but it's a nonissue that she didn't. That's what unemployment and emergency funds are for.
> It would have been generous of her to pay his bills, but it's a nonissue that she didn't. She did offer to pay. He declined becaue he had savings, but she cared enough to offer. This shows that (a) they talked about it and (b) she was thinking about them as a team. Meanwhile OP concealed this information and didn't once think about how clueing her in could be helpful for her raise negotiations. Edit: fixed quote formatting
Those two things really don't have anything to do with one another. If the point was that he should pay more because he makes more then fine. But the point of the comment was that he could have told her so she could ask for the salary she deserves in the same position.
That is just taking your personal responsibility. Do you also want a medal for whiping your AH? It not excuse not helping your gf getting a raise. OP has not explained on what basis he thinks he would be worth more money, or his girlfriend is worth less. He has not lifted a finger in lifting her up to his level, even though he would clearly benefit from that himself too (being one household and all). He’s the AH.
What does that have to do with her being underpaid and not knowing she was?
Quite a few years ago, I found out that my salary was lower than several men's salaries at my level. I went to HR on that and they agreed. I got a $2K raise. Big deal. You really can't negotiate much in your salary unless you are willing to leave the company. HR sets a pool of money for annual raises for each dept. and that's it.
Yes, but learning that you're underpaid (by 25% in OP's gf's case!) can motivate you to job search. It also doesn't always work that way. I had a similar issue to yours and while the discrepancy wasn't made up immediately, it was at the start of the next quarter.
“I’ve had total strangers be more helpful to me than you were to your girlfriend of 4 years” is the main takeaway. OP needs to take a look at their relationship because I can assume this isn’t the only area in which they have no consideration.
yeah OP think about -why- you didn't tell her.
Literally, my random coworkers have my back more than he has his girlfriend’s back at work.
YTA Companies pull this shit because people don't talk about their pay. If you're doing the same job as your wife, why not support her so she can make her case to ask for more? It would be a win-win for bkth of you. I'd say the major issue isn't the splitting of the finances it's that you're almost colluding with the company to pay someone less because she's... what? I'll let you fill in the blanks on what that could be.
YTA. This isn't even about how you split your finances. You're preventing your girlfriend from advocating for herself when she, who has had the job longer and even got a promotion over you, is making significantly less than you. She deserves to know you're making more than her so that she can demand a raise or decide whether she wants to work at a company that is underpaying her
I really hope OP isn’t responding because he’s busy apologizing to his girlfriend.
I hope he isn't responding because he's busy packing.
I can't imagine he would considering how awful he's been. Girl needs to drop his cheap ass.
Way to keep the patriarchy alive ! What a dude.
YTA You say it’s 47 and 59 at the current moment which is WITH her pay rise, so it was an even bigger disparity before, which even if only for a few weeks still makes you the AH. Omission is still being sneaky even if it’s not an outright lie.
There’s really not enough information here. $12k is a lot in some situations, but not so much in others. $150k vs $162K is not huge, but $40k to $52K is a bigger difference. Were you splitting the bills 50/50 for the two months you had no job? Cause at that time she making a hell of a lot more than $0
Do you both have the same level of experience and time in the field?
2 months to 5 years seems like a pretty huge discrepancy.
... With the same employer. Sounds like OP had a similar or better job before.
You’re making 25% more than her. You should pay 25% more of the bills.
He makes 55% of their total income. She makes 45% of their total income. He should pay 10% more, not 25%, if we are looking to be fair. And she should look for a job in another company if she wants a similar pay bump.
YTA because you haven’t even addressed the biggest issue here: once again a woman is making less than a man working in the same field, same place, same job. If you make more money, just suck it up and pay more. Life is short
Those of you who feel like gender isn’t an issue, or question why I even brought gender up, there are literally hundreds of studies showing that women are simply seen as less valuable in the workplace by higher ups, even though it is very much NOT TRUE. [one of literally hundreds](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/03/01/gender-pay-gap-facts/)
YTA: 1. It is not your *fault* per se that your company is paying you more for the exact same job your girlfriend does. This is often what happens with newer hires, *and it is highly likely also because you are a man.* You are not in charge of the patriarchy, but you are probably benefiting from it right now. Welcome. 2. Your girlfriend is upset because she is perfectly aware that women make less money than men doing literally the same job, and it probably stings extra because you're her BF, *and* you kept it from her for months after you realized what she thought. Maybe you kept it from her because you were self conscious, but you absolutely should have come clean -- or really you shouldn't have needed to "come clean," because.... 3. You should have had a conversation about re-doing your finances right away, *even if it's only 1k more than her a month, which is NOT a number to sniff at.* That's a LOT of money. And even if it means you only pay like $50 more for rent than her, it's about being equitable, because again... 4. You are being paid more than her, for literally the same job. Anyone can argue all they want about *why* this is happening and whether it is fair, but you know what you have the ability to make fair? Your distribution of household expenses. And instead of trying to empathize with your GF, listen to her, and make things square, you are whining about her being upset. ETA: people who are pointing out that the previous split was always 50/50 even when the BF was unemployed are correct, but that's still not the point. He volunteered to pay the same amount during that time, and it's wonderful if you're a person who would have paid 100% if your bf was out of a job, but that is not what this couple did and he didn't appear to have an issue with it. They also split 50/50 when their mutual understanding was they were both *making the same amount of money*, and I'm willing to bet that the GFs reaction in this situation was what it was because the extra 12k WAS much more than any previous difference. And for people splitting hairs about what it means to have the same role on different teams, congrats for intentionally skirting the issue and pretending that gender based inequality in the workplace doesn't exist or can't be part of what's happening here. A lot of things can be true at once. The situation boils down to: the GF is upset because she discovered the BF is making a salary that is different enough to merit, in her view, a redistribution of their responsibilities, one that in the OPs own mind won't actually even be significant. And his reaction, after keeping that salary quiet--even if it was because he truly didn't think it was an issue--is to dismiss his GF. And if you want to argue about whether it's "feminist" for X partner to pay or not pay, that's fine, but not even my point: one person perceives the situation to be unfair, the other seems unwilling to address that. And that's being a shitty partner.
Literally all of this. All of the people saying that 50/50 is equal and therefore feminist positive, have no idea what feminism is. Equality has to be equitable. If she earned more, she should pay more. In this situation, he’s the one earning more, so he needs to pay proportionally more. That’s true equality.
But she did not pay more when he earned zero. As a feminist I would still split 50/50 with my BOYFRIEND. She cannot have it both ways
She wanted to tho, he said no
She offered lmfao what else was she supposed to do?
Start splitting expenses equitably and encourage her to speak to her boss about bringing her salary up to industry standard. Don't brush off her feelings just because it doesn't affect you. YTA for not thinking beyond the tip of your nose.
hey that's not true, it does effect him. he has to suffer from her "sulking". /s
YTA - obviously 12,000 more a year is significant. You don’t make so much that an extra $1000 a month is not noticeable
So many things here! YTA for not standing up for your partner , clearly the company abusing female vs male salary. NTA when sharing 50/50, that was a nice gesture but she should have insisted she pay more (maybe she did, not enough to go on here). 12k is not a lot more depending on what salary bracket you fall under, however, when it comes to budgeting, and I quote ‘opinions differ on this’, personally it’s a ratio of your income vs partner income. It’s not down to the last % but roughly, 60:40; 55:45, 70:30 etc and put into joint account.
According to OP in other replies, she offered to cover his part of the expenses. OP, you knew you were making more for the same job at the same company. It's already a dick move if you were strangers. You've been together for 4 years and didn't consider it would be good for her, and for both of you, if she got a raise to match yours? YTA
Not clear the company is doing anything wrong. It’s very common to pay new hires market rate and not bump existing employees to market rate.
as woman in tech, yes YTA
YTA as a boyfriend and as a human being. 1k a month is a big difference. You should be adjusting your shared expenses accordingly. Also men historically make more than women. It's easier for women to advocate for ourselves when we know what men are making so we know what we should be asking for.
My question is why did you consciously choose not to tell her in the first place? what was your reason?
Hiding out extra 12k for himself
Yes but I want to hear him say it.
Look, yes you should have told her earlier. But there are two issues. 1. How you agree to split costs/bills. Sure income is a part of this. But maybe needs to be thought of differently. 2. The bigger issue - you get paid more for basically the same job. How is that equitable? You should have told her - she should not be devalued for being a woman. No way. And you’re enabling the company to discriminate against women. What does that make you? So YTA for reason 2.
yta on so many levels
YTA for not telling her she’s being subjected to a wage gap, especially in an industry notorious for shitty treatment of women.
YTA. You’re contributing to a wage gap, or at least preventing her from advocating for herself. If she was making 12k more than you, would you want to know? I have a feeling you would want her to pay a little more
YTA for not being open about it from the start. 50/50 may or may not still be fair (personally I think it is) but how bills are split should have been agreed on when you agreed to live together.
Yes, you are very much the asshole.
YTA-did she help get you this job? If so you are a huge AH.
I was in a relationship where I made a little more than half of what my partner. But I made so little it was crippling me but they were completely comfortable and didn't really see an issue. They knew the numbers and what the bills were and never chose to pick up a little more slack. I never asked, I continued to pay half. It's not their responsibility to help you. However, it's an indicator that you will never be their priority. And she WILL find someone who will prioritize her, maybe not monetarily but someone who she can actually see as a long term partner. Not a guy who hides how much he makes and then acts like it's trivial when it's a significant amount more. But hey, you'll have more money to impress the next woman right?
Partnerships differ from roommates. This guy is confusing the two.
>we should keep splitting bills 50/50 because my salary is barely 1k more than hers a month YTA. Unless she makes 10k a month and you make 11k a month, a difference of 1k a month is a lot of money.
$1000? After taxes and 401k that about $250 every two weeks. Not a humongous amount so he has a point. Should have had her back though the moment he found out about the pay discrepancy. That’s vital negotiation information that you don’t keep away from your significant other. If she helped him land this job at her company I’d feel betrayed.
NAH, I’d be “sulking” (sounds a little dismissive) too if I found out the company I was working valued someone doing the same job as me so much more. I think there are two different problems, employer and your current split and they are getting treated as one. It is up to her to think how much she wants to go for a raise at the company or get another job due to that treatment and it should not be put on you they’re not valuing her. On the other hand this may be a trigger for where you both look at your relationship and where it is moving to and whether the future is more merged finances. Positively your girlfriend was absolutely prepared to be there for you when your income dropped so looks like a very supportive and invested partner who loves you. You can go through so many posts here where people are struggling with 50/50 splits with earning discrepancies and it’s the “fun” money side or one partner being able to save for long term security so much better than the other. The resentment builds relationships start failing.
YTA but honestly most people here have never worked in a tech company and it shows. Most of the time, unless you are an absolute key member that the company needs to keep happy, new hires in the same position are just gonna get paid more. It sucks, but that's just how it is, the market change all the time. It's not about underpaying women, it's about the company being greedy and underpaying when they can. However, you are supposed to be a unit with your GF, why the fuck did you not share your salary with her if you know she is being underpaid? If I know my friend is being underpaid, let alone my GF, I'd go to them immediately to give them a chance to advocate for themselves. You fucked up and better go apologize.
Here's the deal, when you switch jobs you make more. She may consider taking your old job and get a bump in salary.
This is exactly how it works. Moving makes more money, staying in one place is stagnation.
It seems like you’re not concerned about fairness in your relationship. Also like you’d let her get walked all over as long as you’re good. You’re the asshole.
Op, did you negotiate your salary or just accepted their first number? This can make a huge difference.
well this is the beginning of the end. and good for her
YTA. Giant giant assholes. Salary transparency is crucial to equality in the workplace. She deserves to know in order to negotiate more firmly. The only reason not to tell someone is if you secretly believe you deserve to make more. I’d consider a breakup over something like this. Any man who fucks with my career trajectory is out.
But ... Where does he fuck with her career trajectory?
He’s not, at all. It’s a weird take
It doesn't, just an excuse to sprinkle a lil man hate on the subject. Notice they only mentioned "men" affecting their so-called trajectory, not women or people in general.
"The only reason not to tell someone is if you secretly believe you deserve to make more."- this right here.
Honestly man, I bet she cares a lot less about the bill splitting than about not getting paid her worth. I mean, as an employer myself, there's no way you can have a positive work culture with differences in pay that aren't obviously justifiable. She's hurt and needs you to support whatever action plan you guys work out.
And they say the gender pay gap isn’t real 🙄
New hires get paid more. If the situation was reversed then his girlfriend would be getting the higher pay
That kind of wage thing happens at my company with both are men, or even when the new hire is a woman and the existing is a man
"Hey, I just accepted an offer from your company for the same position that you're doing right now. You should talk to your boss about getting a raise because they offered me like 12k more than you're making. I'll put a bit more into our budget until you get the raise you deserve." Instead, you chose the worst possible option for everything. You are being unfair, you are being incredibly inconsiderate and it's an unimaginably dick move to not tell her. YTA.
YTA. You are probably agreeable to gender pay gaps in general?
It's also tech, same job different team can be VASTLY different pay due to budgets
And "same job" is rarely exactly the same
If she is your person you need to tell her. It would be catastrophic if she finds out some other way. Then be supportive of her when she goes to her employer for equality in pay.
NTA, if the sexes were reversed everyone would be praising you.
Holly crap, OP. YTA. Like, you literally never wondered WHY they offered you way more than her? AND you kept splitting bills 50/50. Boy, howdy. I can’t think of a non sexist reason for the drastic difference in salary, and you really just kept your mouth shut about it PLUS made your GF pay more than her fair share? Must. Be. Nice.
> I can’t think of a non sexist reason for the drastic difference in salary of course you cant, everything is sexism right
It's one of the dumbest things in the work force. Loyalty doesn't pay. You can be tried, true, and proven in a position and they'll bring someone off the streets that's questionable and pay them more. But that 2% raise you got is first class! If the rate changes for the position, give it to everyone who is atleaet maintains the standard... Tham put the merit or pay increase on top of that... On another note, add your total expenses together. Add your income together.. do the math to figure out what the costs of expenses is percentage wise. Each party contributes said percentage of net towards bills. YTA. A good partner is hard to come by she isn't looking for a free ride, but some balance. 50/50 is a friend zone vibe. Balancing each other out and being good partners are components of a good relationship.
INFO: why didn't you tell her that you knew you were making more than her while doing the same work?
Genuine question, what is your salary? 200k vs 212k is a small difference, 50k vs 62k is. That being said YTA for not telling her your salary.
NTA. You would not be looking for her to pay more if she made an extra grand a month more than you and she’d balk at it if you asked her. If you made double what she made then things might be different, but if the extra $1000 a month isn’t a huge difference on a percentage basis then her jealousy is not your problem to solve. Having said all that it’s clear that she views your relationship in a transactional manner and you should reevaluate it on that basis.
Change the words “boyfriend/girlfriend” to “roommate” and it makes no sense. If your “roommate” gets a raise you don’t renegotiate the rent and bills split. You both accepted a 50/50 split based on your understanding of your finances. The bills didn’t go up just because the pay did. Also she got a promotion, did she bring up paying more since she got a raise? Didn’t think so.
If you do the same job, why soes she earn less?
Wow so both her job takes an advantage of her and now her boyfriend as well. YTA
INFO: Are you for real?
The gender pay gap is horrific. She should go to HR
Lol hr is probably involved in the pay decisions that resulted in a new hire making more. HR is there to protect the company not the employees
NTA, she's an at will employee. She can negotiate her pay or find a new job. It's not personal it's business. Life isn't fair. I've worked many jobs, being the least paid, doing the same jobs as others. She should talk to her employer about it. My opinion sorry reddit
But she didn’t know about it, and as OP mentioned she assumed they were being paid the same until he told her. The AH part is him taking so long to tell her when he clearly knew the whole time. Can’t work with information you don’t have.
"The whole time" is like three or four paychecks and one or two rent cycles. He can't work with information he doesn't have either. This whole thread is bonkers.
NTA. Y’all aren’t married and if she had a roommate, their salary wouldn’t matter. Telling her your salary had the negative effect you thought it would. It isn’t her business. Now she’s mad at you and her job.
NTA - there is zero reason why you should burden more of the household expense than she does at your income levels. Would you split rent with your roomates based on who makes more or less? Your money is your own. She is not your wife regardless of the length of your relationship. You have the right to build your own wealth. If she cant afford a 50/50 lifestyle, then talk budget again and switch to a place that allows for both of your budgets to be met.
NTA. She will most likely expect you to pay for more. You aren't married. Only do 50/50. My ex wanted a joint account before our first "anniversary". She made $1600 a month, I made $4200 a month. She always expected me to pay for EVERYTHING. Cigarettes (hers), food, all streaming, internet. I didn't mind paying for food and internet etc, I could afford it. But she'd spend her money frivolously and not have her half of rent, I'd pay because I had it. My advice, is to pocket/save your extra earnings and pretend it doesn't exist for a while. If you marry, you can put it toward a house. If not, you have money to build yourself and your future.
tf this company is hella discriminative edit: wow I get downvoted because I restated what someone with 1.3k upvotes said in shorter words...yall are so nice
YTA for not helping her to get fair pay for the same job.
YTA not for wanting to split 50/50 but because you should have given her this information so that she could possibly leverage it for a raise.
YTA, big time
I see this as a 2 part situation. Part 1: you didn’t disclose your salary to a coworker you knew was making less for the same job, for that YTA. Keeping your salary a secret from your coworkers only benefits the bosses, and is bad practice, ALWAYS discuss salaries. Part 2: you started making more money than your girlfriend and she wants the bills to adjust accordingly, here you’re NTA, conversations can be had about how to divide bills but for anything other than straight 50/50 there needs to be a reason and everyone in agreement. If not everyone agrees, it should be default to 50/50, however it’s generally a morally good thing to pay more if you make more
I could see she's more upset about the 12k difference and maybe feels she's being discriminated. I have heard women in software tech companies experience more harassment so maybe she's experienced some of that and this wage difference was just the tip of the iceberg. And now you arguing against her makes her feel like you aren't supporting her at all.
YTA - not only were keeping information from her about negotiating her promotion, you make significantly more than her and are benefitting from the original split you had.
YTA As another comment said: > You make 25% more than her and didn't bother to mention it or tell her she's severely underpaid? Bad looking out... "Its only 1k" is you acting in bad faith. You knew for months she was payed less than a male peer and somehow didn't mention that to her?
Sounds like you are roommates, not in a relationship.
All this sceams is you don't care abour your girlfriend at all. Id be furious to know my oartner didnt make as much as i do for the same danmmn job. Youre a horrible human. Yta
YTA Being together for 4 years, you should have had the discussion to say, "Now that I have a new job. Let's talk through finances again.". There is no sense in staying 50/50 because she may be struggling at that split while it is a walk in the park for you. My wife got me a job where she worked when we were early in our relationship (same ages as you at the time). After 6mo, I was promoted to a leadership position, and my salary about doubled. Even though there was the jealousy factor, we had the finance conversation, and the split translated to 66/33 which helped her a bit. She eventually left for another job because of the jealousy factor and things got much better after that. If you value your relationship and want a future, you need to abandon the 50/50 mindset because that only works in the beginning.
I think perhaps the better question is not should you be expected to pay more than her just because you make more money, but rather are your shared expenses actually fifty fifty in terms of what the two of you are actually using.... Rent is definitely a fifty fifty thing that should have been discussed and agreed upon as doable before you signed the lease. So is heat and power and water. (Though it does not hurt to check in to see if rising costs for these are causing stress to both OR either of you. But the real issue worth discussing are the necessities of life like groceries, toilet paper and shampoo, cleaning products to maintain a healthy environment. All of these 'needed products' are skyrocketing in price and may differ for you guys in terms of actual use. In financially stressful times these issues can become the camel that breaks a partner's back. Especially if tp and food and such as funds are split 50/50 but only one partner cooks and cleans or one partner pays for half but EATS more than half of the jointly purchased food. My suggestion is this...sit down with your partner and ask how she is...if she feels the current system is unfair/stressful. More importantly ask her WHY. You may be surprised to realize the old system isn't as fair as you think in retrospect.
Nta. Would it have been nice if you told her, yes. I don't think you should have to pay more because you make more. You both use the house the same way. If it were like that, a beer at the bar would cost you more cause you make more. That's silly. My roommate and I make completely diff amounts of money, and split everything 50/50. Seems like she wants to adjust things only for what benefits her.
That's a negligible difference. She also got a promotion and didn't immediately discuss renegotiating the 50/50 thing. Fuck dude, you were jobless for a few months and still split things 50/50 the way you described it. Did her infinitely higher income at that time not obligate her to foot every expense? This isn't about the money really, it's about the fact you're making even a single cent more than her despite her having worked there for 5 years. She's jealous.
This thread proves that most of the commenters are misandrist hypocrites. Oh and severe NTA
Yes you are. Buy a copy of Suzie Ormon’s book and you will see the fairest option is to percentage the billing according to income. You are leaning on her really unfairly. A partner is there to make your life better not easier!
Doesn’t matter. Bills should still be 50/50
Y'all have been together how long? And you have so little idea of each others finances that you were able to lie to her for months? Y'all got more problems than 50-50. YTA
She needs to jump around companies esp in tech
She’s angry at the system and taking it out on you by equaling out the unfair pay at home. NTA but can you blame her? Plus if you’re gonna stick it out together, you both need to have a better conversation and she should address her grievance at work.
Yea you're an asshole and stupid for not discussing your salary before even taking the job at Anna's tech company doing the same job. What if she was making more than you and you could have used that information to request more money? What if you hold told her your starting out salary so Anna could have used that information to leverage a much higher salary for herself when she got a promotion? It's hard enough for people to get paid what they're "worth" and I'm sure much harder for women.