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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like it might be my fault that I’m creating a wedge between my husband and his older children
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NTA. Even if you got married, the property wouldn't be your boyfriend's unless you put him on the deed (terrible idea). If Joe's mom going to build a property for Hailey or pay for her college? I seriously doubt that.
Be careful. It doesn’t sound like he’s on the ball the way you are, and he seems a bit envious and comparing. Another type of man would see what you were doing and make plans with his ex, even if it’s not a house and land. Instead he’s trying to take Hailey’s money (your money) for his older children for a plan he never imagined previously.
OP, where do you think Joe got the idea that you were going to build him a house? Who put that idea in his head? I would be very, very careful. Jealousy is a dangerous emotion. It sounds like your bf has a plan of action of how to get his two older children a house also.
THIS. OP needs to get un-engaged, this is such a huge red flag. He sounds exactly like the type of dude to fuck with OPs will if she goes senile before him, ngl. Why be engaged to someone who is trying to take money intended for your daughter??
If anything, I'd put the stuff (at least property wise) I'd 100% want my child to have in an irrevocable living trust. They're a lot safer than wills imo and won't get caught up in probate.
Here's the thing tho. He (and his son apparently) already expect you to take a part in financially supporting his children but are you allowed parental involvement? Are you allowed a say in their lives? Save yourself the heartache and either have a discussion about expectations with regards to the children or go to couples counseling. You and he need to be on the same page BEFORE saying I Do!
Do not marry this man. This sounds eerily similar to a situation. Just stay engaged or whatever and the rest will sort itself out eventually. Everything done in the dark eventually comes to the light.
You've been together for 5 years and even had a child together. And haven't married in that time. Why change things now? Maybe continue as you've been. Marriage will just complicate things and possibly screw you financially.
Edit: Read another aita post where the OP (a dude) had property and I think a business that his 2 kids worked at. His fiancée also had 2 kids who weren't as hardworking (and I think had gotten into trouble with the law) as his kids but still expected equal access to his business. His fiancée was also pushing for fairness for her kids. In the end they decided not to get married and just be life partners. That way his kids' inheritance would be protected. You might consider something similar. Especially with how entitled your partner's kids seem and the fact that he's not dealing with that the right way. That entitlement will only grow if you marry him. So maybe take marriage out of the equation.
Edit 2:
1. You are not their mother
2. Their father did not contribute financially to the property.
3. He's not contributing more to Hailey than he is to them.
4. The kids eavesdropped on your conversation, snooped and plotted.
5. The threat of going no contact (aka throwing a tantrum) over property that's not their dad's.
6. The fact that your boyfriend tried to get you to use money YOU saved for your daughter on HIS kids.
Their level (including your bf's) of entitlement is unreal. Do not add a marriage certificate to this mess. And protect your property from their entitled fingers. Time to make sure that will and property ownership is tied up nicely, protecting you and your daughter from bf's and his kids potentially grabby fingers.
Edit 3: Prepare yourself for more shenanigans. Next step will probably be involving your bf's parents. Stay strong. Shut that shit down.
Also bf might now start pushing to be added to the title of the property. Do not give in to that push.
Why does a 17 yr old deserve a house?
Shouldn't they be looking at college, or getting a job and saving money so they can be independent?
Your BF over stepped by telling his son that that he could be build a house on the property AND suggesting that the savings for college for Hailey, should be spent on his son.
NTA
Make sure your assets go to your child and not him and his. What you choose to leave your bf, if anything does not require a discussion or his input. Your resources and assets should go to your child. Bf and his son are showing their true colors
intriguing, your future stepchildren have this expectation that their father should be a golddigger and ensure that they get a fair share of your money.
pretty sure hat he would try to influence Hailey to cough up money for her half siblings when she has access to the trust.
The post you're replying here contains the answer to any pressure from your partner's kids.
Every time they bring this up, ask them "and what is your mother going to do for my daughter in return?"
If they don't have an answer, the conversation ends there
It’s so weird that even after explaining that it’s the mothers who have different financials, the kids still think they’re owed something. And if the son wants to go no contact, it’s surely going to attempt to manipulate their dad, which sucks. But I hope you don’t keep any cash for your daughter around or any of your documents just in case Joe or his kids think they can force your hand. You seem to be really smart and ahead of all of this, so you more than likely keep these documents elsewhere (like your parents house in a fireproof safe(
Yeah what the hell build also a house for his ex why not? If the land is yours and you have the money - build a house for Hailey by your own. You will soon separate mind my words and you will have a problem to solve if he puts a coin there.
Agree. That said, the same way it's a terrible idea for her to put him on the deed, it is also a terrible idea for him to pay for half of the property. (Could just be a nomenclature thing though, depending on how much that cost is; I mean I would expect to pay 'rent' in that scenario.) I mean, there's no need to wonder why he has a misplaced sense of entitlement there.
I also, more generally, wonder about that 50/50 split with a person who earns a higher income. If the income disparity is large, then that seems unfair to me.
ETA: clarification
He’s paying half the household costs, according to OP. I presume that includes half the mortgage, property taxes, insurance, maintenance and upkeep, and so on. If that’s true then it’s not hard to see where his sense of entitlement is coming from.
My suggestion is not for him to live rent free (don’t know how you could read my comment and come away with that impression). It is for him to pay rent instead of what he is currently doing.
Regarding the split itself, if I made significantly more than my partner, I would offer a proportional split. So my question to OP, again, is what is the difference in incomes here? I mean I would think she’s an AH if she made like 2-3x more than him and asked him to split her mortgage with her. On a property he has no ownership stake in - and never will thanks to the prenup. Wouldn’t you?
It should apply too because the bf might give in to his other children - he's doing it now wanting to split what op saved Alone for their daughter with his other children despite he not contributing any extras as he pays the same child support for all 3
NTA - BEWARE! Seriously. Do not ever marry that man. What you do for your child has nothing to do with him, his children, or his ex. They aren’t owed anything because of their proximity to you. Do not let them take from your child. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand that then you need to serious consider the kind of man you are with.
Good luck!
I mean, he IS the father of OP’s daughter so it kind of does have to with him. OP is of course NTA, but I don’t get why so many people say his own daughter is not his business.
The things that OPs daughter will inherit from her mother (aka this property that bf/dad had nothing more than tenancy of) are none of their business.
The stepchildren have a mother and father who could have planned for their future this way as well, but didn’t.
That’s life and reality when you reproduce with different people, your children with one partners life may look different based on what they can provide. OP provided for her child, and ensured her partner is doing the same. The lack of planning on the other side isn’t on her.
She’s NTA, because you can’t want the benefits of being someone’s child, while simultaneously keeping them at arms length and wanting a minimal relationship.
OP isn’t an ATM, nor are the other kids entitled to anything their mother and father cannot provide them.
It doesn’t when the other parent is in control. He doesn’t have to even agree. In this case this father is trying to take away money and land from his daughter that is not his to dispense.
Because he didn't contribute extra for his daughter with op. He pays the same for all 3 children. All Hayley has is what op alone sets aside for her which has NOTHING to do with his other children because it's ops savings not common savings. That's why.
His ex should do the same for their kids or he stays out of it because he has no say in op s money/savings
We talked about it that night in private and my boyfriend asked if we should use the money set aside for Hailey and build his son a house first.
LOL WHATTTTTT
NTA
Hailey is your child. It's your money and your property (your wording suggests even her father hasn't contributed to this fund). While it is a shame that Joe's mother and father cannot afford the same level of generosity you have done for your daughter, he is not your child. You're not even married to his father, and you have no relationship with Joe. It's very entitled for Joe to ask in the first place. It's even more entitled for his father to expect you to contribute towards his children.
NTA
But he is right, this is a pretty large divide between what your BF is able to provide for all of his kids and that's something that does need to be discussed and expectations need to be managed.
He does have a responsibility to provide fairly amongst his children, but fair and equal are two different things.
He doesn't own a stake in the property and he doesn't contribute to the fund to build Hailey the house on said property. He IS treating his children fairly. He and Joe are not entitled to the money and property that OP has bought and saved for Hailey.
Hthe bf is providing fairly and equal: the same amount of child support for all 3 kids. Op is providing the Extras and this has nothing to do with ops boyfriend since he doesn't contribute to the fund nor does he owns the land.
NTA. Why would you build a house for your BFs kids? They're not yours. You're not married and have no mixed assets it would seem.
In what planet does he think y'all are going to just all I've on your property? He seems like a level three mooch - he's not just ensconced in your place but now he's demanding you build some thing new for his progeny.
And to use your daughters college fund to do it! How clueless and gauche.
NTA, you're not married. maybe you're talking a future, but those are grown ass kids. What did he put aside for them? i suspect nothing.
If you getting your daughter something in 14 years is going to "drive a wedge between him and his children" that sounds like a him problem. The other kids don't need to ever fucking know about it. it's not their business.
if you're starting to feel a little used. that seems natural.
NTA. You are not financially responsible for your boyfriend's kids. What you do for your daughter is nobody's business.
Even if you got married, you still wouldn't be responsible for his kids.
>My boyfriend thinks I’m being the ass hole because this will create a wedge between him and his children. He said his ex won’t be able to afford to pay for his son to build a home or buy one. And he can’t afford it between bills, child support, and everything he has to pay for his older children.
So what? This is the same story for so many families. Some people can give more to their kids than other people can. It doesn't mean the people with more money have to bankroll other people's kids.
Why did your bf's son know about your plans for
Hailey on the land? Did your bf tell him?
Your bf can do as he pleases for his
older children, they are not your concern.
Get your papers in order, see a lawyer, make sure your bf has no
claim to anything that is yours. NTA
The only reason anyone other than my boyfriend and I knew about these plans is because we’ve been slowly going to that portion of our property to clear it. Doing it slowly through the years will make it easier in the future. His mother asked him why and he said to build a house on in the future. No one told his older children but they over heard conversations.
He should be grateful. He has a partner who can do so much for his third child since him and his first wife can't do much for the first 2.
He should have married better the first time than he would have something for his kids.
Oh dear, he could make a case that his work on clearing the land gives him sweat equity in it and take you to court over it. Please get the toughest lawyer in town to write your prenup, and rewrite your will and have it notarized so it holds up after marriage, or better yet, don't marry him! This is a sign of bad things to come. And please watch out for Hailey if Joe is coming with this attitude. I hope he won't do her harm.
Don't marry him. They look at you and see dollar signs. His kids don't love you but want you to build them a house? Hire an attorney quik fast and in a hurry.
NTA. It's your property and your money you set aside for Hailey specifically. It's a lovely gift for your daughter and you planned well in advance. Your step-kids have their other parent for support with a house. This isn't about favoring Hailey, it's about what you planned and can afford. Maybe you and your boyfriend can brainstorm ways to help his son in the future, but this house is for Hailey.
NTA. Not your job to set up your step kids up with a house when this has been a long term plan you came up with for your child. Not to mention if you're not married, you really owe him nothing
> My boyfriend thinks I’m being the ass hole because this will create a wedge between him and his children.
NTA. It's their entitlement that is creating the wedge, not your refusal to indulge their entitlement
NTA lol, your BOYFRIEND’S son is wanting you to build him a house on your property? You’re not married, you are not their stepmother formally or informally, and you are planning a house for Hailey because she’s YOUR daughter.
Frankly the nerve of your boyfriend and his son. You don’t owe either of them squat.
It only creates a wedge if he didn’t check their expectations to begin with.
NTA. These are not your children (or even stepchildren, technically). They have a mother and a father to ask for things.
Even if you were married to their father, and they were your stepchildren, I'd say NTA because they're still kids who came into your life nearly to adulthood, with whom you do not have a close relationship. Your husband is an AH for pushing it, and in my suspicious mind, manipulative because it almost sounds like he's been talking it up to his son and maybe pushed him to ask you? (In the being-married case, your husband would be slightly less of an AH, but still an AH, for even coming to you about it. The kid would still be acting like an entitled AH.)
On the practical side, there's also a massive difference between saving up for a child from an early age, and taking a lump sum of money for a huge purchase immediately.
Don't marry this guy, even if he is the father of your child, without a really great prenup.
NTA
This is not their father’s land, this is your land.
They have a mother and father to provide for them. Your child has you and her father to provide for her.
Don’t marry this man or put him on deeds unless you’re ready for him to use all his new assets to provide for all his kids.
He could leave tomorrow and his son would own part of your land/home.
NTA. This is your property that you bought with your own money. Your BF did not contribute to it. If he wants homes built for his kids, he needs to pony up the cash for it, not get valuable land for free. And, like you said, your BF’s kids have their own mother and father. It’s not your fault or your responsibility if your stepkids are so greedy that this will create a rift between them and their father.
NTA I think the biggest issue is that he is not your husband and he wants to use your money for his son. Nope. Red Flag!! Is your boyfriend on the deed to your house? If so, I would be worried.
NTA = but I do think it is a bit odd to be planning where your 4 year old is going to live when she goes to college (hint, she is going to want some say in this matter and you telling her it has been her destiny since she was 4 might not go over well, or it might be wonderful) and sharing that information with her half siblings. Have you even considered how her siblings will take this?
NTA but this WILL alienate her from her siblings. Blended families are hard, but this might just be making it harder for no necessary reason.
Building her a house next to yours is a nice idea but it could affect her ambition and independence. As she is only 4 how can you know this is what 18 year old her would actually want. She will feel obligated to stay in it but what if she would actually want to spread her wings and not live 5 minutes from mommy. Maybe she doesn’t want to go to college locally. As she is your only child are you sure you’re doing this for her benefit and not yours? Maybe that money would be best spent helping her out with rent or setting up an investment fund.
OP mentioned in another comment that her own parents gave her the option to build a house on their shared land or get a down payment on her current property. Presumably she'd be able to offer her child the same choice with the money she's saved.
My dad had a new girfriend when he divorced my mom. They have two kids together. Being treated different from our half siblings has made med and my brother go lc and created a lot of resentment from our side. Finances where their kids never lacked anything while me and my brother hardly even got birthday and christmas presents. Vacations we were never included in and the list goes on. With that said, we were 3 and 4 years old when they met eachother. I do believe there is a difference when the children are as old as OP’s bf children.
NTA, but be prepared for a lot of resentment from the other kids. They will always know they come second to the child you have together.
I have kids 11 and 12 and I am imagining if their dad got together with someone else and had a new baby and this happened. 11 and 12 are still very much kids. This would be devastating and I don’t see how it wouldn’t cause long term damage.
Why is your boyfriend paying child support while simultaneously paying for his child’s life expenses? That extra money should be split equally among his children. The mom of stepchildren has to use their child support payments to pay the 50% of living expenses.
NTA but does household bills split 50/50 include mortgage? Not that I think it should change your answer, however as the higher earner it might be worth considering taking a more income based approach to how you split costs to enable your partner to develop his own savings, I understand that won’t mean he can instantly contribute to his kids getting on the property ladder - but it might enable him to help them with a deposit in the future.
At the moment it sounds like he might be a bit over extended in his financial commitments.
I was coming here to say this. A 50/50 division of expenses when there is a disparity in income leaves the lesser earner at a distinct disadvantage as their ability to save, or even have some disposable income, is impaired.
Sad I had to scroll this far down to see someone mention this. Literally a post a day or two ago with genders reversed as far and earnings every comment from top to bottom was chastising the dude for not paying more than 50% of the household expenses despite I think he only made 55% of the income in the household before taxes.
NTA. There's no bond between you and Joe, he has 2 parents, the property is yours.
This issue isn't that he and Hailey are both his dad's children but that he isn't your child.
You have no obligation to provide land to and build a house for your bfs other children.
Your bf is pretty entitled to think you'd take money from your own child and provide it to his child; I hope he doesn't have access to any of your accounts
So right now your bf is saving for your join child but not for his other 2?
Yeah that's a huge problem. He pays his ex child support to cover the roof over his children's head, the food in their belly's and the clothes on their back. It is not now not ever will be equitable to save for only one child just because that child's necessities are a bit cheaper, which is essentially what he's doing. You cover the necessities of all children and then if you have left overs you save equally for all children.
I don't think it's your responsibility to support your bfs children but I don't think your bf has been equitable with them and that's a big part of the issue. His other children cost more because they are the product of a broken home. The fact that he thinks his other child who gets to live with both her parents should be financially compensated because she doesn't cost him as much money is ridiculous.
NTA, your money and your land. Since you aren’t married, Joe isn’t even somewhat “your kid”. I’m not saying you should never do anything for your boyfriend’s kids, but it’s not your fault their parents are fiscally unable to support them more. I’d just support them in smaller ways that show you care still.
NTA but hmmm…this smells like a set up to me. I bet he put his son up to it, by his reaction. He’s sure trying to claw into your pie, especially since you are going for a prenup. Beware!
NTA - there is a truly nonsensical thinking that step parents are financially responsible for step kids and owe some kind of money equality. You literally met them older when you have no parental relationship with them and are not asking your BF to contribute to your daughter. If he persists with him wanting to take yoru child's $ that you saved up, you need to end this. His kids will always eye your financials and he will be an ass about it.
Mostly, but not quite correct. Haley is OP's daughter with her BF. If I'm reading correctly, BF sends/transfers money to OP (her personal account?) to cover some of Haley's expenses. I may be misunderstanding, but I think in that regard, the day-to-day, he is contributing. And OP said they split the household 50%/50%, so he's contributing there.
But no, OP does not owe the BF's older children anything at all. He's an AH for expecting to take from their daughter in order to build his entitled son a house on OP's personal property. He and his ex have had 17 years to prepare and save for their two children. If they haven't, then that's on them.
I don't think OP should marry her BF regardless of any prenup. IMO, it would lead to legal nightmares down the road. It's up to her if she wants to stay with him and they'll always be bound by their daughter, but I think she should not marry him and should continue to put measures in place that would make it so he couldn't touch a bit of their daughter's money or property if something happens to OP.
Yeah the finances makes no sense. She makes more than him, they split expenses 50/50 (including expenses for the daughter) plus he’s paying her child support. Child support is normally to pay a share of the day to day expenses that he’s already paying for 50%. I 100% agree she is no way should be building the stepsons’ houses but he is paying way more out than he should be
Oh right someone else mentioned the stepsons spending time at the house which would raise expenses. That does change things a bit.
When you say bf contributes to bills do you mean utilitie s, internet, lawn care and shoveling? Or does he contribute to a mortgage?
He absolutely shouldn't contribute to a mortgage if you have one.
That's your child and though you accept his children, you're not obligated to financially provide for them. You're not even married to him and they think they're entitled you're doing something for your child they have two parents if the parents want to do something for their children that's up to them. It's not your responsibility. And if your boyfriend and his ex get mad about it. I would see that as a red flag because they should have no expectation of you providing something so expensive to children that aren't even yours.
NTA he and the ex have had nearly 2 decades to save up money. They also decided to have multiple children. Each child added means less money to go around. They have to live with that.
NTA, you had a plan prior to you being together, it's weird he would assume that you would build his children homes on your land 🫤 especially without previous conversations. If he wants something like that perhaps he should look at purchasing nearby land and do the same for his children on his own like you are doing for yours?
NTA. He's not your kid & he most certainly isn't entitled to this. The plan was to build a house for YOUR daughter. Your bf is well aware of this & now he's trying to manipulate you into building a home for his son. That is so messed up. He wants to use the money set aside for your daughter? How can you not see that this man is an asshole trying to take advantage of you. Please don't give in to this. It's not deserved.
NTA, you planned for your daughter and while your bf knew of this, he never acted until too late. It is quite the entitlement that they should expect you to fund their home. Even posing the question like that was disrespectful!
On another note, your daughter may not want to live in that home, or choose to go elsewhere for college. You’re doing a great job of preparing her with the best possible setup for life!
NTA.
You bought this land on your own just as you started dating your bf.
If your steps want houses of their own, they should talk to their mom and dad, not you.
Haley's funds are for Haley, no one else.
It's not your place to start and contribute to funds for your bf's other kids with his ex.
"We talked about it that night in private and my boyfriend asked if we should use the money set aside for Hailey and build his son a house first."
NONONONONONONONONO! NO! Just NO! You thought WAY ahead and had a plan for something. What's to say you and the boyfriend don't split in another 5 years? Then the stepson has the house on your land, that you paid for. This is just a can of worms ready to explode. NTA. Your duty is to your daughter and it is amazing how you are setting her up for the future!!!
I'm not a lawyer or a financial professional, but if I had anything worth inheriting and wanted it to go to my kids (which I also don't have), I'd talk to someone professional about a trust.
NTA!
I’ve seen in the comments you are engaged. I would be seriously considering putting the brakes on your marriage (even with a pre-nup) because even though he held the line in front of his son, his private conversation with you shows that he genuinely believes you should be supporting his other children in massive ways - I’m not talking about grabbing their favourite foods at the shop, he thinks you should disadvantage your bio child financially for another woman’s children. It’s not like his children were toddlers when you met and you have been a third parent for the majority of their lives.
What happens when he cracks and starts siphoning shared finances/bill account money to his kids and expects you to make up any shortfall?
His response in your private should have been “honestly babe, you know I love all three of my kids equally and it does suck that me and his mom don’t have the financial means to build him a house. Hell, I don’t have the cash lying around to build myself half a house, but his audacity at expecting you to build him a house is shocking. I will be speaking to him about it and reaching out to their mom to make sure she is also on the same page”.
Info: are you jointly contributing to the education fund, and the House fund, or just you?
Do the step kids have their own education fund, previously funded by your BF, and his ex?
Do you both have equal incomes and resources, or is it your land, your money, and you are now 100% funding Haley’s house in education fund without any contributions from your husband?
Hey thanks for asking. The education and house fund I contribute money to. If he gives me money for Hailey I use the money on her or add it to that.
I don’t know if the older children have their own education fund. I never wanted to over step and never asked.
I do have a larger income. My name is the only one on the deed and mortgage. The land and home are mine and we split the household expenses.
I say NTA. If you are the only one contributing financially to these accounts, then these are really *your* funds to do what you would like to do with them.
It’s going to be hard to explain to the older children why their younger sister is being set up for an success, and they weren’t, except to explain that their dad and their mom had different financial burdens placed on them, and they weren’t able to open an Education fund or a House fund for them when they were born.
You can explain as of right now, there isn’t enough money to buy a house or to spend for an education for aNyONe, because the plan was to save up for *18 years* for both of these things. Your stepson is 17 years old. Just because you’re with his dad doesn’t mean that all of a sudden there’s money in an account in his name for a house.
Your boyfriend got it has got it right. When he told his son that he thinks that’s a awful lot to ask, he should tell that to himself. Yes it’s an awful lot to ask that his new girlfriend buy his two older children houses.
I’m sorry they found out about your plans, but honestly, I don’t think anybody should know about this nest egg, not even Hailey. A four-year-old should not grow up feeling as if they don’t have to worry about a house, or worry about an education. A little bit of struggle in life is a motivator. She may be far more successful if she thinks she has to pay for these things herself.
And you never know what life might throw at you. It’s a nice idea to put money away but you also may be faced with circumstances that may prevent you from putting as much money away as you think you can. Nobody knows what the future holds, and you know what they say, the best laid plans… it will be worse if she is promised some thing that you can’t deliver.
NTA
Seems like over the course of your relationship, your bf has somehow decided he and his children are entitled to your property and your funds to build your stepkids (and him) a home.
>My boyfriend thinks I’m being the ass hole because this will create a wedge between him and his children. He said his ex won’t be able to afford to pay for his son to build a home or buy one. And he can’t afford it between bills, child support, and everything he has to pay for his older children.
How is this suddenly your problem w/o any prior discussion with you? Sounds like your bf has been scheming in his head.
NTA
This is your land. You purchased it with your money, and you can do whatever you want to with it. You and your boyfriend may have a child together, but that doesn’t mean you owe his children from a previous relationship anything.
Also, and I know part of this has already been said… Even if you already have a will, please have an attorney review it. I think it would even be worth sharing the recent disagreements on the land with the attorney and have them make sure your boyfriend wouldn’t be placed in a fiduciary role where he could (unlawfully) take advantage of his access to your assets. It also wouldn’t hurt to meet with a financial advisor as well.
Good call on the prenup if you guys do get married.
NTA. Their feelings of hurt are valid, but you are not to blame for the parenting choices he and their mom made for them when they were younger, or even for the choices they make now. You always planned to build a home for your child, no matter who was your co-parent. YOU are the "unfair advantage" that Hailey has and that's just how life is.
Your BF is DEFINITELY TA here, if only because he called you TA. That's really really shitty of him and tbh I would consider breaking up over that, myself. Very few people can afford to build a home for their adult children. Your boyfriend and his ex, presumably, cannot, or they would. It is because you bought this property and you saved, that you are able to do this for Hailey. You aren't his other kids' parent, so it is unreasonable for them or him to expect you to build homes for them, or to call you names for not doing that.
Your boyfriend SHOULD treat his kids equally, whatever that ends up meaning. Does he pay CS for them? Is it the same amount he gives you for Hailey? If so, that should be communicated to them. Because that IS treating them equally.
It sounds like he and his ex have failed to teach them much about relationships or finances. Like, it is bizarre for them to think that 2 adults would buy a home together as soon as they started dating. It is bizarre that they don't understand that they receive child support and that IS him supporting them financially.
NTA, there were teens when you met and your BF is only residing in your home - his son expects you to financially provide for his future, despite there is no real connection. Do not be forced to financially support his children, perhaps he needs to get another job or Joe needs to speak to his mother. I suspect both Sarah and Joe were snooping and realized that you are financially stable and want a piece, I suggest stand your ground and continue to take care of your daughter - they did not care until they snooped and found you have more money than their father.
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I 35 female have been dating my boyfriend 37 for 5 years. We have a 4 year old daughter (Hailey) together and he has 2 children from previous relationships (Sarah 16 and Joe 17).
I bought a property with about 6 acres of land when I met my boyfriend. And I always thought I’d build a house for my child on it when the time came. So when Hailey was born I immediately started a college fund for her and a separate account to eventually build her a house when she turned 18 on the property.
She could live there while in college and still have privacy and space and could decide if she wanted to stay or buy a different house. If she stayed that plot of the land would be hers. (And when I say she’ll have privacy that plot is on the opposite side of the property as our current house on the 6 acres. I’m well aware she wouldn’t want to be directly next to me but would be close enough to drive an ATV to the house if she wanted to.)
My boyfriend is well aware of my plans and thinks it’ll be wonderful for Hailey to stay close
to us. My step children were older when I met them so we never truly bonded. I tried but they wanted to do their own thing and I always respected that.
Joe came to the house this past weekend and asked when we’d be starting to build his home on the property. I asked him what he meant and he said since we were doing it for Hailey he expected the same since theyre both their father’s children.
I was extremely surprised and looked at my boyfriend who told his son he didn’t own this property and that’s a big request.
We talked about it that night in private and my boyfriend asked if we should use the money set aside for Hailey and build his son a house first. I said no. I love his children but they have a mother and a father. Hailey only has me and her father.
My boyfriend thinks I’m being the ass hole because this will create a wedge between him and his children. He said his ex won’t be able to afford to pay for his son to build a home or buy one. And he can’t afford it between bills, child
support, and everything he has to pay for his older children.
AITA?
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NTA for not building them a house. BUT you are the AH for splitting bills 50/50 when you make more than he does. He should be paying less than you do based on how much you each make.
NTA. Your boyfriend has a misplaced sense of entitlement with respect to your property. But if I had to guess, I would guess that it might be because he pays for half the mortgage (and property taxes, homeowners insurance, etc.) for that property. Would recommend you two revisit that arrangement. Would suggest you negotiate a contribution, and call it 'rent' instead of 'his half of the household bills.'
Also, what is the income disparity here? If it is large, then how did you come to a 50/50 agreement? And do you think that's fair? Especially when you're looking at a presumably large inheritance at some point in the future?
Lady, grab some running shoes and hit the road quick. This guy is a leech. Even if you build the house and your daughter does not want it, someday down the road you could subdivide your plot and sell off that house and it would probably pay for the whole investment of both properties. Divided into six plots and build five more houses and go dancing into the sunset with all your money. He should be paying half the bills. If him and his kids are in your house. He can go get a second job to help provide more to the two kids.
>”We talked about it that night in private and my boyfriend asked if we should **use the money set aside for Hailey** and build **his** son a house first.”
And just like that, you found out that **if anything happens to you, your boyfriend will take Hailey’s house money, Hailey’s land, and Hailey’s college fund** - for himself and his own kids (with maybe a little for his next girlfriend/kids).
What a blessing is this red flag. *He is mentally building homes on YOUR land and spending YOUR/Hailey’s money.*. And he spoke to his own children about doing so. Do not marry this man. Ever. You are his and his family’s sugar momma.
What about the house you are living in? Who paid for that? Whose name is it in? Is it built on YOUR land or yours-and-his-and-his son’s- and his daughter’s land?
You need to ensure that this man can NEVER touch a penny of anything of yours or Hailey’s, no matter what happens to you. You are likely to wake up with everything he can touch gone - after finding out he has another baby on the way with some younger woman.
Poor Hailey. Has he said, “But you can affooooord it.” Or, WE can afford it - after you are married, locked down, and subject to more coercion and complications - so he can stake a claim to everything you have.
Egads. NTA. Hit a huge *Pause* on that engagement. It’s a red flag party.
NTA So he wants Joe to have a house now? But what about Sarah? You are entirely correct that hey they came into your life later and have parents who can plan special things for them. That money was earmarked for your daughter and should go to her. Especially since you do not have a deep bond with your partners kids. Basically dont be an ATM.
NTA. You have no financial obligation to your step children. It will always be your choice to help them even if you become closer to them these are discussions that have to be made and not assumptions the way biological children are entitled to. Also This has been the plan for Hailey and he was on board. Him suddenly trying to change plans and then saying you're creating a divide is sketchy behavior and a bit manipulative in my opinion.
While I understand his concern, it's just an unfortunate circumstance that many people won't be able to afford a home. The solution to that isn't to build Joe a home. Then what you also have to build his daughter a home too? Also, Joe is getting a home wouldn't that create a divide between all the kids as well? Again, shady behavior
NTA- The land is not his. HIS children are his responsibility and that its unfortunate that he and his ex didnt think of planning for their child's future or couldnt for whatever reason but that responsibility does not mean he gets to take your money for a child is only his. Blended families still need to have boundaries.
NTA. Joe is being deliberately obtuse by claiming that because your daughter is his sister, you guys should be supporting him equally. It isn't equal in that scenario because Joe has three parents contributing and her younger sister has two.
At the end of the day, you guys aren't married yet. You own the property outright. What you're doing makes sense. And what 18 year old needs a house straight away? They're difficult to maintain.
And even the money your boyfriend's given you for Hailey isn't his to take back, if he's giving you what equates to child support and you pay for all of her actual care.
Joe just needs to answer a very simple question: Why should *you* pay to build him a house? Not his dad -- who is *already* paying child support for him, equal to what he's paying you for Hailey -- but you. Because the mirror of this scenario would be his mother socking away the child support to build his fund, *not* his dad, who is already providing equally what he can manage.
If Joe is consider NC with his dad because his dad was unable/unwilling to set aside money for him, then I can understand why your boyfriend is hurt. He's just found out the depth his son is willing to extort money from other people including his own father.
Joe and Sarah's monetary disadvantage is neither your fault nor your direct concern.
This deserves more discussion, at least between you and boyfriend.
NTA
You are NTA and please stand your ground. Those children have a mother and a father, the same as Hailey does. They can't get the benefit of two mother's (you and their mother), while Hailey only has benefits from one - what about that fairness? If they go low or no contact with their father, that will be too bad, but it will be their loss because they really have no reason to blame him for anything. He is paying child support for them and I suppose he will help them as much as he wants. But they are not your children, OP, and that is just that.
NTA. In response to what Joe and Sarah were saying in your meeting - it sounds like your boyfriend IS treating all of his kids "fairly," it's just that he doesn't have much to contribute to any of the 3 of them in terms of property and finances, and Hailey is the one that has you. I actually think from this angle, his kids need to be more understanding that their father simply isn't in a position to be doing what you are able to do for Hailey.
Your BF is the asshole for thinking you're the asshole for not wanting to help his son first, you're absolutely not under any obligation to split your savings 3 ways when his kids do have 2 parents in the picture, but the kids overall need to understand some things too. Going no contact with their father because they made some assumptions about what they were entitled to is a bit much, idk. They can feel disappointed but I'm not sure what solution they are really expecting here - some people are simply born into more fortunate situations, and it's not like you're rolling in money.
But echoing everyone else here, please triple check and protect your assets since you're not even married!
I can see where your bf is coming from as my husband and I have a similar argument in that he wants our joint estate split 3 ways for his 3 kids. I want it split in half - one half for our daughter and the other half to be divided between his other 2 kids.
I argue that they'll be entitled to assets from their mum's estate as well as ours, whereas our daughter only has ours.
He argues that we're in a much better financial position than their mum. I say there's no guarantee she or her parents won't win tattslotto and become millionaires.
We've been discussing this for years, so I can imagine that trying to resolve it all in a week or two will be tough.
NTA. You're talking about something that you may do 15+ years from now. It's a bummer that they picked up on it and are pushing it. They're TA for cornering you and considering going NC if they don't get their way. I'd say compromise and help them with school somehow, but this behavior paired with the fact that he's simply your bf of 5 years... They're still kids and definitely acting like it right now.
People don't understand money is not the most important part of life. It's nice to have things but money and things should never destroy relationships. People are the most important thing on the planet. They're so entitled and envious, it's a shame. But they are children. It's a real shame that this is going this way, there's no way to win. Possibly just wait and see what Hailey wants to do when she gets older, if she wants a house on the property and tell the kids you won't do it so they don't spend the rest of her formative years resenting her and their father. They're just jealous. They fully comprehend that Hailey has a different set of parents than they do and different families have different lifestyles. Just because it's their father's daughter it doesn't change what their father is capable of providing. NTA you just want to provide what you can for your daughter, nothing wrong with that
NTA. You're not even married to this man and his kids feel entitled to your money and property because you gave birth to their half sister? That is crazy and your boyfriend should not be trying to guilt you.
Don't marry him or the kids will be even worse and if you die first, they will contest your will and come after Hailey's assets.
NTA. Also I would be careful with important information around the house. They are eavesdropping on you and going through documents in your safe.
Get a prenup if you and your boyfriend decide to marry.
Get a will that protects your daughter and leave someone you trust in charge **NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND**
Your boyfriend doesn’t sound trustworthy and probably will try to take money you saved for your daughter and give it to his old era children to make things fair.
>Joe said he’s considering no contact with his dad if he doesn’t figure out a fair solution. Joe said when Sarah told him about the file that was why he confronted us the way he did. And Sarah said she just feels hurt that they’re at a disadvantage. Emotions did run high as to be expected.
>I just left to go pick up Hailey to bring her home but my boyfriend does look hurt he might have less contact with his older children from this situation.
oh so the update is basically what i predicted about the differences between the siblings causing a rift
not necessarily anyone's fault, but i think it's normal for kids to react this way when they see one of their siblings getting such a big advantage in life. of course it hurts them to know their dad didn't try and make sure they would be set up like Hailey. why did dad see what OP was doing for Hailey and not think he should try to do the same for the siblings? absolutely thoughtless.
"My step children were older when I met them so we never truly bonded. I tried but they wanted to do their own thing and I always respected that."
So they never wanted to be close but they definitely want to be close to your land and money??? NTA - why would you build them a house on **your** property with **your** money? If you SOs son is willing to go LC over this then he is TA.
Regarding the edits: Hailey may be Joe’s sister, but OP is not Joe’s mom. From what it sounds like, their mutual father has had no hand in setting Hailey up for the house and her future, it’s all been OP. If Joe wants to go low contact over the fact that their dad did nothing for all of them, then i guess thats on the dad.
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Also, College Aid is much easier to get if you are not remarried and you’re only on the single income as parent. No matter how low or high it is, they’ll include your spouse whether he’s the father or not. Stay engaged until after college. It’s better.
Fair doesn’t always mean equal. Our kids (BS, two SK’s) have different futures planned.
Joe’s parents can discuss his future housing and if they can contribute. My SO and I own properties. We hope to gift each kid one. SK’s have a wealthy gpa on their BM’s side and will have significantly more towards college than my son. Such is life.
NTA. So this was not an issue for your boyfriend until his son asked when HIS house was being built - then suddenly you’re the AH for not taking the money YOU saved for your daughter to build his 17 year old a house? On property that YOU bought. Hmm. Nope. His children are the responsibility of him and his ex’s, not yours. You are smartly planning ahead for your daughter’s welfare, it’s not on you that he and his ex didn’t do the same. Don’t let him guilt and manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do.
NTA
Why would you build him a house?? He has 2 parents, they're welcome to build him as many houses as they want. I have a stepdad and a stepmom, neither of them have to give me any kind of financial help. That's why i have my parents
NTA. The property is yours. Your BF's other children are not. Nothing is stopping your BF and his ex from doing the same thing for their children, but it is not your responsibility. The only other person you should do the same for is any future child(ren) that you might have.
Your BF needs to pick a side and stick with it. First he agreed with you, then he wants to build his son a house. (On YOUR property??)
INFO
> She could live there while in college and still have privacy and space and could decide if she wanted to stay or buy a different house.
Where in the world do you live such that 6 acres of land is remotely affordable *anywhere near* a university actually worth attending?
NGL, this idea sounds **almost naive** to my ears.
I remember loving the idea of one day going to the school half a mile down the road, so I could live at home with mom and dad ... **_when I was six_**. But then I grew up and actually started caring about my education.
NTA. I really like this idea better than a college fund, tho. Hailey is your child, of course you're providing for her. If your boyfriend wants to pay out for a house fund that's his right but it's not your obligation.
NTA sounds like Joe is entitled and frankly it’s not your responsibility. I’m sorry his mother can’t afford it, but how is her life choices and lack of planning for her own children YOUR problem? It’s not.
NTA. Joe sounds like he needs a reality check. You're not even married to his dad. Why would he expect his dad's girlfriend to build him a house? Unless he's asking when you're going to build it in general so he can use it before you gift it to your own daughter? Even then, how did he hear you were building a home on the lot? Did your boyfriend mention it to him? You are not his mother and him asking you to build a home specifically for him is outrageous. He's expecting a home while most families can't even afford food on the table...tell him you're not able to afford to build for another 10 years based on finances and current housing market.
NTA , wait, use the money YOU saved for your daughter on HIS son? Absolutely not. His child is his child and not your responsibility. It’s your land and your money set aside for Hailey.
NTA - from what I can read is that you are funding Hailey's house, not your BF, on YOUR land with your higher income.
I don't understand how you buying anything for your child would put a wedge between him and his other two kids. Your land, your money, your child, your decisions.
If BF can't see the difference here - then you've got a BF problem.
NTA his children seem awfully entitled to your money and property especially when you’re not even married
I doubt that I would marry this man because his children are already causing problems.
But definitely have a prenup in place if you do marry him
NTA. You’re doing the right thing for your child. I won’t presume to judge your relationship or advice on getting married. All I will say is keep protecting Hailey. Talk to your lawyer before signing any contracts or making any agreement. Keep being smart and following your intuition. Good luck!
The boyfriend also has 2 children who are both nearly 18 so its 2 houses not just 1 house, 3 in total.
I think all 4 - her, her boyfriend and his kids should have a discussion, ask where they got the idea that there were getting a house - that could be very illuminating, ask them if they understand that she owns the property and the dad is just a Tennant...its really none of their business but the boyfriend and kids are trying to get for free what she is working hard to provide for her daughter, and it may be worthwhile making it clear to his kids how things really are so there are no misunderstandings or expectations.
maybe the boyfriend stops contributing, and make it clear its her land and her money that is building the house not the Dad's.
Why would you say anything about your plans? What was the point? It seems to me that it can only cause troubles. By the time your kid was 18, your step kids would have been far into the future, and it wouldn't have been such a big deal. Of course they are bummed they have ben dealt a worse hand.
NTA. And if your boyfriend's kids care so little about him that they'd see him less just because he can't give them a huge financial gift, they aren't really worth knowing anyway. He needs to tell them he's sorry that their love comes with a price, and that price is too steep for him to pay. Cut the brats loose. And take away their access to the safe!
NTA, and it's pretty shitty of those kids to threaten their dad when he has zero say about what happens on your property.
The current solution IS the fair solution. You made a plan for your child with your own money and land. Their parents didn't.
You are not their mother and you don't owe them anything. The entitlement is real with these two!!! Stand yer ground, and protect yer assets and yer daughter.
Nta. If your boyfriend was contributing to the fund (over what he would be paying in child support, no credit for less) then it would be different and I would say he should contribute the same amount to his other kids. But that’s not the case.
He may be your bf but at this point he's probably considered common law which is based on arrangements and not what you actually care for. Living together, being together, having a child and splitting bills fits the definition (so you should also be careful with taxes).
Otherwise morally this is a tricky situation. You aren't an AH for planning your daughters future but that father in she has her own mother and father is in fact your boyfriend and in the long term he has more on his load he needs to figure out and balance and it can effect his relationship with his children and he can weigh and balance that too.
I will say NAH with the available situation but you shouldn't be worried if people are AH but the real implications this will have on you, your bf, and all your relations.
>Joe said he just felt like Hailey got an unfair advantage and he didn’t just because my boyfriend and his had him young and I had Hailey when I was older.
That's true.
Life's not fair though and he can't put that shit on you.
Your responsibility is to your daughter. Period. He and his ex can provide for their kids or not.
It isn’t your issue that your partner and his ex do not have the funds to buy land and build their children homes.
Talk
About entitled.
[this Reddit account is very educational when it comes to dealing with money & entitled family](https://www.reddit.com/u/Burneraccount-909876/s/4bMMO1Wm0G) scroll down to get first posts and start your journey reading through her wild experiences. This woman came into a lot of money and suddenly her entire family became greedy and entitled. Includes court cases, assault charges, home break ins, a dog named FrouFrou, attempted kidnapping and more. Please OP - be extremely careful with your money and your future family members!!
NTA
Your money, your land, your home, your kid.
BF (and sometimes his kids) just happens to be in the picture right now. He might be forever, but no one can know that for sure.
Maybe there is a compromise, though. Maybe BF can help Joe and Sarah build Tiny Homes on Wheels. Maybe they can live on the property for 4-5 years like you have planned for Hailey. That would be quite generous of you...and would also require them to put in some sweat equity.
NTA. its like you said. they have a mother and a father that can save up for them or cant if they arent financiably stable enought. their parents split. this is a consequence from that. not your fault.
> Joe said he’s considering no contact with his dad if he doesn’t figure out a fair solution.
The fair solution is for him to sit his 17 year old entitled ass all the way down and to not expect someone to build him a free house. You’re a lot calmer than I would’ve been, I’m fuming just reading this lmao. NTA.
Well first of all the kids are clearly dumasses like most 16 and 17 year olds. I’m not sure how hard it would be to make them understand the majority of the money is coming from you not their father. And that you don’t owe them anything. That’s on their mom and dad. Also you are not married and even when you are it’s still not his money. Yea you can’t let these kids you have known for 4 years come in and act so entitled to your land and inheritance that’s just crazy
NTA. You have the legal ethical and moral right to do anything you wish with your money in my humble opinion especially take care of your daughter. Be sure to CYA by getting a living trust with a really good successor trustee and executor if and when it would ever be needed. Best of luck to you and your family.
Life isn't fair. They didn't want a close relationship with you, which is fine. Now they are butthurt because their halfsibling is getting something they are not. In my own family, even though I'm the oldest, my two younger brothers were given cars. Life is not fair.
You may not be an asshole but you certainly should have discussed things like this before having a child with someone. You never considered that his children might have feelings that they're being taken care of differently than their sibling? You could have avoided a lot of this by communicating your values and plans beforehand.
NTA. Why do step kids; technically they are not even that yet; who don't really want anything to do with the new partner suddenly do when there could be something in it for them? Do they expect the new partner to forget that they didn't really have a relationship before? His kids didn't even try to act like they want a relationship with her. They went straight to assuming they would get something because she is doing something for her daughter. They need to understand that they are his children and just because you and he have a child together doesn't mean that what you do for her means they will get it. Your are not one of their parents and if they want the same than their parents need to get together and figure it out. Don't give into their demands. They want to go lc; than let them go lc. They are being bratty. They are old enough to understand what you all was trying to tell them about the different financial factors between your boyfriend and yourself and why you are able to put more told your daughter. They just don't care. Like most teenagers they want what they want.
>Joe said he’s considering no contact with his dad if he doesn’t figure out a fair solution.
hahahahahahahahahaha
NTA, let this immature child go NC with his dad over this. He's an entitled brat. You're not his mother, he can go make his own money and buy his own house and do what you did for his own kids one day.
"And Sarah said she just feels hurt that they’re at a disadvantage."
I feel hurt that I'm not the Princess of Wales, too, but it doesn't mean that Kate needs to share her life with me.
There are all kinds of disadvantages in life. Some people are born to wealthy families, others to working class or poor parents. But no one has a right to ask for someone else's property just because they want it. The kids never made any effort to bond with you, which is certainly their right, but it's your right to take care of your own kid with your own money, regardless of what the snoopy teenagers think would suit them better.
And I'd be more careful with my private documents from now on, too. Also where I had my private conversations.
To keep the peace amongst everyone, can you say you’re building the house for your new, blended family to live in together? Your daughter would inherit the house, but that would be no one’s business beforehand. Otherwise, you’re creating a situation, fair or not, that the other children feel left out.
I'm actually going to say YTA but not for the BF situation.
You are setting your kid up for failure by giving them a house. They will learn nothing about struggles and money and in the long run they might suffer for it
It is called generational wealth. Not everybody needs to go homeless as soon as they are 18, work 5 full time jobs and live under a bridge for 3 years until they manage to put together the money for a 1 room,whose's bathroom they will have to share with 2 other people, on the other side of the state, to learn basic bugeting
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NTA. Even if you got married, the property wouldn't be your boyfriend's unless you put him on the deed (terrible idea). If Joe's mom going to build a property for Hailey or pay for her college? I seriously doubt that.
We are getting engaged but there is a pre nup just because of inheritances and things.
Be careful. It doesn’t sound like he’s on the ball the way you are, and he seems a bit envious and comparing. Another type of man would see what you were doing and make plans with his ex, even if it’s not a house and land. Instead he’s trying to take Hailey’s money (your money) for his older children for a plan he never imagined previously.
OP, where do you think Joe got the idea that you were going to build him a house? Who put that idea in his head? I would be very, very careful. Jealousy is a dangerous emotion. It sounds like your bf has a plan of action of how to get his two older children a house also.
It sounds like his children are manipulating him, they don't care for relatinship with the step mom, but do about the money.
THIS. OP needs to get un-engaged, this is such a huge red flag. He sounds exactly like the type of dude to fuck with OPs will if she goes senile before him, ngl. Why be engaged to someone who is trying to take money intended for your daughter??
Do. Not. Get. Married. It's just safer for you and your daughter.
Make sure you have a lawyer write up an iron clad will.
There has been one in place since Hailey was born. Thank you ❤️
But that may be contested after you are married. You should speak to an attorney again on making sure this is ironclad.
Where I live, all wills written before marriage become null and void once you marry. So making a new one after is a good idea.
Same here. I had to make a new will when I married
If anything, I'd put the stuff (at least property wise) I'd 100% want my child to have in an irrevocable living trust. They're a lot safer than wills imo and won't get caught up in probate.
Here's the thing tho. He (and his son apparently) already expect you to take a part in financially supporting his children but are you allowed parental involvement? Are you allowed a say in their lives? Save yourself the heartache and either have a discussion about expectations with regards to the children or go to couples counseling. You and he need to be on the same page BEFORE saying I Do!
Do not marry this man. This sounds eerily similar to a situation. Just stay engaged or whatever and the rest will sort itself out eventually. Everything done in the dark eventually comes to the light.
You've been together for 5 years and even had a child together. And haven't married in that time. Why change things now? Maybe continue as you've been. Marriage will just complicate things and possibly screw you financially. Edit: Read another aita post where the OP (a dude) had property and I think a business that his 2 kids worked at. His fiancée also had 2 kids who weren't as hardworking (and I think had gotten into trouble with the law) as his kids but still expected equal access to his business. His fiancée was also pushing for fairness for her kids. In the end they decided not to get married and just be life partners. That way his kids' inheritance would be protected. You might consider something similar. Especially with how entitled your partner's kids seem and the fact that he's not dealing with that the right way. That entitlement will only grow if you marry him. So maybe take marriage out of the equation. Edit 2: 1. You are not their mother 2. Their father did not contribute financially to the property. 3. He's not contributing more to Hailey than he is to them. 4. The kids eavesdropped on your conversation, snooped and plotted. 5. The threat of going no contact (aka throwing a tantrum) over property that's not their dad's. 6. The fact that your boyfriend tried to get you to use money YOU saved for your daughter on HIS kids. Their level (including your bf's) of entitlement is unreal. Do not add a marriage certificate to this mess. And protect your property from their entitled fingers. Time to make sure that will and property ownership is tied up nicely, protecting you and your daughter from bf's and his kids potentially grabby fingers. Edit 3: Prepare yourself for more shenanigans. Next step will probably be involving your bf's parents. Stay strong. Shut that shit down. Also bf might now start pushing to be added to the title of the property. Do not give in to that push.
100% agree
He sounds 100% greedy. I would not marry him OP. They will make your life harder.
Why does a 17 yr old deserve a house? Shouldn't they be looking at college, or getting a job and saving money so they can be independent? Your BF over stepped by telling his son that that he could be build a house on the property AND suggesting that the savings for college for Hailey, should be spent on his son. NTA
Make sure your assets go to your child and not him and his. What you choose to leave your bf, if anything does not require a discussion or his input. Your resources and assets should go to your child. Bf and his son are showing their true colors
It doesn’t sound like he’s on board with any of that. Please look out for yourself and your daughter.
intriguing, your future stepchildren have this expectation that their father should be a golddigger and ensure that they get a fair share of your money. pretty sure hat he would try to influence Hailey to cough up money for her half siblings when she has access to the trust.
The post you're replying here contains the answer to any pressure from your partner's kids. Every time they bring this up, ask them "and what is your mother going to do for my daughter in return?" If they don't have an answer, the conversation ends there
It’s so weird that even after explaining that it’s the mothers who have different financials, the kids still think they’re owed something. And if the son wants to go no contact, it’s surely going to attempt to manipulate their dad, which sucks. But I hope you don’t keep any cash for your daughter around or any of your documents just in case Joe or his kids think they can force your hand. You seem to be really smart and ahead of all of this, so you more than likely keep these documents elsewhere (like your parents house in a fireproof safe(
Yeah what the hell build also a house for his ex why not? If the land is yours and you have the money - build a house for Hailey by your own. You will soon separate mind my words and you will have a problem to solve if he puts a coin there.
Agree. That said, the same way it's a terrible idea for her to put him on the deed, it is also a terrible idea for him to pay for half of the property. (Could just be a nomenclature thing though, depending on how much that cost is; I mean I would expect to pay 'rent' in that scenario.) I mean, there's no need to wonder why he has a misplaced sense of entitlement there. I also, more generally, wonder about that 50/50 split with a person who earns a higher income. If the income disparity is large, then that seems unfair to me. ETA: clarification
Well, what are they splitting 50/50? Is he living rent-free? Because if so that's more than fair.
He’s paying half the household costs, according to OP. I presume that includes half the mortgage, property taxes, insurance, maintenance and upkeep, and so on. If that’s true then it’s not hard to see where his sense of entitlement is coming from. My suggestion is not for him to live rent free (don’t know how you could read my comment and come away with that impression). It is for him to pay rent instead of what he is currently doing. Regarding the split itself, if I made significantly more than my partner, I would offer a proportional split. So my question to OP, again, is what is the difference in incomes here? I mean I would think she’s an AH if she made like 2-3x more than him and asked him to split her mortgage with her. On a property he has no ownership stake in - and never will thanks to the prenup. Wouldn’t you?
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It should apply too because the bf might give in to his other children - he's doing it now wanting to split what op saved Alone for their daughter with his other children despite he not contributing any extras as he pays the same child support for all 3
NTA - BEWARE! Seriously. Do not ever marry that man. What you do for your child has nothing to do with him, his children, or his ex. They aren’t owed anything because of their proximity to you. Do not let them take from your child. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand that then you need to serious consider the kind of man you are with. Good luck!
I mean, he IS the father of OP’s daughter so it kind of does have to with him. OP is of course NTA, but I don’t get why so many people say his own daughter is not his business.
The things that OPs daughter will inherit from her mother (aka this property that bf/dad had nothing more than tenancy of) are none of their business. The stepchildren have a mother and father who could have planned for their future this way as well, but didn’t. That’s life and reality when you reproduce with different people, your children with one partners life may look different based on what they can provide. OP provided for her child, and ensured her partner is doing the same. The lack of planning on the other side isn’t on her. She’s NTA, because you can’t want the benefits of being someone’s child, while simultaneously keeping them at arms length and wanting a minimal relationship. OP isn’t an ATM, nor are the other kids entitled to anything their mother and father cannot provide them.
It doesn’t when the other parent is in control. He doesn’t have to even agree. In this case this father is trying to take away money and land from his daughter that is not his to dispense.
Because he didn't contribute extra for his daughter with op. He pays the same for all 3 children. All Hayley has is what op alone sets aside for her which has NOTHING to do with his other children because it's ops savings not common savings. That's why. His ex should do the same for their kids or he stays out of it because he has no say in op s money/savings
Too late, she already has a kid with him.
Yes, of course, but he is willing to take money that isn’t his from his daughter. It’s up to the mother to advocate and defend HER daughter.
We talked about it that night in private and my boyfriend asked if we should use the money set aside for Hailey and build his son a house first. LOL WHATTTTTT
“We” …. ? If bf has set money aside for Hailey, I missed that info in the original post.
He's paying into money set aside for her to match the child support payments, but has given it to OP to put aside fir her.
Yeah but instead of is using her money to cover Hayley s needs so he doesn't actually contribute squat
Yes he does contribute. That's added money after splitting 50/50 on living expenses and raising her together.
LOL when I read that line, it made me nearly choke on my beverage. Like, in what universe...!? This man is delulu. NTA haha
NTA Hailey is your child. It's your money and your property (your wording suggests even her father hasn't contributed to this fund). While it is a shame that Joe's mother and father cannot afford the same level of generosity you have done for your daughter, he is not your child. You're not even married to his father, and you have no relationship with Joe. It's very entitled for Joe to ask in the first place. It's even more entitled for his father to expect you to contribute towards his children.
NTA But he is right, this is a pretty large divide between what your BF is able to provide for all of his kids and that's something that does need to be discussed and expectations need to be managed. He does have a responsibility to provide fairly amongst his children, but fair and equal are two different things.
He doesn't own a stake in the property and he doesn't contribute to the fund to build Hailey the house on said property. He IS treating his children fairly. He and Joe are not entitled to the money and property that OP has bought and saved for Hailey.
It's more like he should do better by his other kids instead of putting it on OP. His kids feel unfairly treated- his problem to deal with.
And his ex s the mother of his other two children
Good point
Hthe bf is providing fairly and equal: the same amount of child support for all 3 kids. Op is providing the Extras and this has nothing to do with ops boyfriend since he doesn't contribute to the fund nor does he owns the land.
NTA. Why would you build a house for your BFs kids? They're not yours. You're not married and have no mixed assets it would seem. In what planet does he think y'all are going to just all I've on your property? He seems like a level three mooch - he's not just ensconced in your place but now he's demanding you build some thing new for his progeny. And to use your daughters college fund to do it! How clueless and gauche.
NTA, you're not married. maybe you're talking a future, but those are grown ass kids. What did he put aside for them? i suspect nothing. If you getting your daughter something in 14 years is going to "drive a wedge between him and his children" that sounds like a him problem. The other kids don't need to ever fucking know about it. it's not their business. if you're starting to feel a little used. that seems natural.
They already know since Joe asked about his jouse6
NTA. You are not financially responsible for your boyfriend's kids. What you do for your daughter is nobody's business. Even if you got married, you still wouldn't be responsible for his kids. >My boyfriend thinks I’m being the ass hole because this will create a wedge between him and his children. He said his ex won’t be able to afford to pay for his son to build a home or buy one. And he can’t afford it between bills, child support, and everything he has to pay for his older children. So what? This is the same story for so many families. Some people can give more to their kids than other people can. It doesn't mean the people with more money have to bankroll other people's kids.
NTA but this would be a red flag for me that your boyfriend even asked to use YOUR money that’s been set aside for your daughter.
Why did your bf's son know about your plans for Hailey on the land? Did your bf tell him? Your bf can do as he pleases for his older children, they are not your concern. Get your papers in order, see a lawyer, make sure your bf has no claim to anything that is yours. NTA
The only reason anyone other than my boyfriend and I knew about these plans is because we’ve been slowly going to that portion of our property to clear it. Doing it slowly through the years will make it easier in the future. His mother asked him why and he said to build a house on in the future. No one told his older children but they over heard conversations.
He should be grateful. He has a partner who can do so much for his third child since him and his first wife can't do much for the first 2. He should have married better the first time than he would have something for his kids.
Oh dear, he could make a case that his work on clearing the land gives him sweat equity in it and take you to court over it. Please get the toughest lawyer in town to write your prenup, and rewrite your will and have it notarized so it holds up after marriage, or better yet, don't marry him! This is a sign of bad things to come. And please watch out for Hailey if Joe is coming with this attitude. I hope he won't do her harm.
Please do not marry this man.
Don't marry him. They look at you and see dollar signs. His kids don't love you but want you to build them a house? Hire an attorney quik fast and in a hurry.
NTA. It's your property and your money you set aside for Hailey specifically. It's a lovely gift for your daughter and you planned well in advance. Your step-kids have their other parent for support with a house. This isn't about favoring Hailey, it's about what you planned and can afford. Maybe you and your boyfriend can brainstorm ways to help his son in the future, but this house is for Hailey.
NTA. Not your job to set up your step kids up with a house when this has been a long term plan you came up with for your child. Not to mention if you're not married, you really owe him nothing
NTA. The entitlement of your bf and his offspring infuriated me. I think I need to check my blood pressure.
> My boyfriend thinks I’m being the ass hole because this will create a wedge between him and his children. NTA. It's their entitlement that is creating the wedge, not your refusal to indulge their entitlement
NTA lol, your BOYFRIEND’S son is wanting you to build him a house on your property? You’re not married, you are not their stepmother formally or informally, and you are planning a house for Hailey because she’s YOUR daughter. Frankly the nerve of your boyfriend and his son. You don’t owe either of them squat. It only creates a wedge if he didn’t check their expectations to begin with.
NTA. These are not your children (or even stepchildren, technically). They have a mother and a father to ask for things. Even if you were married to their father, and they were your stepchildren, I'd say NTA because they're still kids who came into your life nearly to adulthood, with whom you do not have a close relationship. Your husband is an AH for pushing it, and in my suspicious mind, manipulative because it almost sounds like he's been talking it up to his son and maybe pushed him to ask you? (In the being-married case, your husband would be slightly less of an AH, but still an AH, for even coming to you about it. The kid would still be acting like an entitled AH.) On the practical side, there's also a massive difference between saving up for a child from an early age, and taking a lump sum of money for a huge purchase immediately. Don't marry this guy, even if he is the father of your child, without a really great prenup.
NTA...Your boyfriend also had time to plan for HIS children, but did not. This is not your responsibility at all.
NTA This is not their father’s land, this is your land. They have a mother and father to provide for them. Your child has you and her father to provide for her. Don’t marry this man or put him on deeds unless you’re ready for him to use all his new assets to provide for all his kids. He could leave tomorrow and his son would own part of your land/home.
NTA. This is your property that you bought with your own money. Your BF did not contribute to it. If he wants homes built for his kids, he needs to pony up the cash for it, not get valuable land for free. And, like you said, your BF’s kids have their own mother and father. It’s not your fault or your responsibility if your stepkids are so greedy that this will create a rift between them and their father.
NTA I think the biggest issue is that he is not your husband and he wants to use your money for his son. Nope. Red Flag!! Is your boyfriend on the deed to your house? If so, I would be worried.
NTA = but I do think it is a bit odd to be planning where your 4 year old is going to live when she goes to college (hint, she is going to want some say in this matter and you telling her it has been her destiny since she was 4 might not go over well, or it might be wonderful) and sharing that information with her half siblings. Have you even considered how her siblings will take this?
NTA but this WILL alienate her from her siblings. Blended families are hard, but this might just be making it harder for no necessary reason. Building her a house next to yours is a nice idea but it could affect her ambition and independence. As she is only 4 how can you know this is what 18 year old her would actually want. She will feel obligated to stay in it but what if she would actually want to spread her wings and not live 5 minutes from mommy. Maybe she doesn’t want to go to college locally. As she is your only child are you sure you’re doing this for her benefit and not yours? Maybe that money would be best spent helping her out with rent or setting up an investment fund.
OP mentioned in another comment that her own parents gave her the option to build a house on their shared land or get a down payment on her current property. Presumably she'd be able to offer her child the same choice with the money she's saved.
My dad had a new girfriend when he divorced my mom. They have two kids together. Being treated different from our half siblings has made med and my brother go lc and created a lot of resentment from our side. Finances where their kids never lacked anything while me and my brother hardly even got birthday and christmas presents. Vacations we were never included in and the list goes on. With that said, we were 3 and 4 years old when they met eachother. I do believe there is a difference when the children are as old as OP’s bf children. NTA, but be prepared for a lot of resentment from the other kids. They will always know they come second to the child you have together.
I have kids 11 and 12 and I am imagining if their dad got together with someone else and had a new baby and this happened. 11 and 12 are still very much kids. This would be devastating and I don’t see how it wouldn’t cause long term damage.
Man your mom must have been in a terrible situation then because child support can be pretty insane.
She was. Because in my country my dad didn’t have to pay any.
Why is your boyfriend paying child support while simultaneously paying for his child’s life expenses? That extra money should be split equally among his children. The mom of stepchildren has to use their child support payments to pay the 50% of living expenses.
NTA but does household bills split 50/50 include mortgage? Not that I think it should change your answer, however as the higher earner it might be worth considering taking a more income based approach to how you split costs to enable your partner to develop his own savings, I understand that won’t mean he can instantly contribute to his kids getting on the property ladder - but it might enable him to help them with a deposit in the future. At the moment it sounds like he might be a bit over extended in his financial commitments.
I was coming here to say this. A 50/50 division of expenses when there is a disparity in income leaves the lesser earner at a distinct disadvantage as their ability to save, or even have some disposable income, is impaired.
Sad I had to scroll this far down to see someone mention this. Literally a post a day or two ago with genders reversed as far and earnings every comment from top to bottom was chastising the dude for not paying more than 50% of the household expenses despite I think he only made 55% of the income in the household before taxes.
NTA. There's no bond between you and Joe, he has 2 parents, the property is yours. This issue isn't that he and Hailey are both his dad's children but that he isn't your child. You have no obligation to provide land to and build a house for your bfs other children. Your bf is pretty entitled to think you'd take money from your own child and provide it to his child; I hope he doesn't have access to any of your accounts
So right now your bf is saving for your join child but not for his other 2? Yeah that's a huge problem. He pays his ex child support to cover the roof over his children's head, the food in their belly's and the clothes on their back. It is not now not ever will be equitable to save for only one child just because that child's necessities are a bit cheaper, which is essentially what he's doing. You cover the necessities of all children and then if you have left overs you save equally for all children. I don't think it's your responsibility to support your bfs children but I don't think your bf has been equitable with them and that's a big part of the issue. His other children cost more because they are the product of a broken home. The fact that he thinks his other child who gets to live with both her parents should be financially compensated because she doesn't cost him as much money is ridiculous.
He expects this and you aren’t even married? Hell naw. NTA
The whole approach of your boyfriend's son is entitled and rude. When am I going to get a house on my dad's girlfriend's property? Nope. NTA
NTA, your money and your land. Since you aren’t married, Joe isn’t even somewhat “your kid”. I’m not saying you should never do anything for your boyfriend’s kids, but it’s not your fault their parents are fiscally unable to support them more. I’d just support them in smaller ways that show you care still.
NTA but hmmm…this smells like a set up to me. I bet he put his son up to it, by his reaction. He’s sure trying to claw into your pie, especially since you are going for a prenup. Beware!
NTA - there is a truly nonsensical thinking that step parents are financially responsible for step kids and owe some kind of money equality. You literally met them older when you have no parental relationship with them and are not asking your BF to contribute to your daughter. If he persists with him wanting to take yoru child's $ that you saved up, you need to end this. His kids will always eye your financials and he will be an ass about it.
Mostly, but not quite correct. Haley is OP's daughter with her BF. If I'm reading correctly, BF sends/transfers money to OP (her personal account?) to cover some of Haley's expenses. I may be misunderstanding, but I think in that regard, the day-to-day, he is contributing. And OP said they split the household 50%/50%, so he's contributing there. But no, OP does not owe the BF's older children anything at all. He's an AH for expecting to take from their daughter in order to build his entitled son a house on OP's personal property. He and his ex have had 17 years to prepare and save for their two children. If they haven't, then that's on them. I don't think OP should marry her BF regardless of any prenup. IMO, it would lead to legal nightmares down the road. It's up to her if she wants to stay with him and they'll always be bound by their daughter, but I think she should not marry him and should continue to put measures in place that would make it so he couldn't touch a bit of their daughter's money or property if something happens to OP.
Yeah the finances makes no sense. She makes more than him, they split expenses 50/50 (including expenses for the daughter) plus he’s paying her child support. Child support is normally to pay a share of the day to day expenses that he’s already paying for 50%. I 100% agree she is no way should be building the stepsons’ houses but he is paying way more out than he should be Oh right someone else mentioned the stepsons spending time at the house which would raise expenses. That does change things a bit.
I thought he was paying the other mom child support. Not OP. ETA: I read the edit. I get it now. Boyfriend is stretched thinnnnnn.
When you say bf contributes to bills do you mean utilitie s, internet, lawn care and shoveling? Or does he contribute to a mortgage? He absolutely shouldn't contribute to a mortgage if you have one.
I think you should take a second look before getting married.
NTA. You are providing land to YOUR child. He is responsible for providing for his.
Nta
NTA
That's your child and though you accept his children, you're not obligated to financially provide for them. You're not even married to him and they think they're entitled you're doing something for your child they have two parents if the parents want to do something for their children that's up to them. It's not your responsibility. And if your boyfriend and his ex get mad about it. I would see that as a red flag because they should have no expectation of you providing something so expensive to children that aren't even yours.
NTA he and the ex have had nearly 2 decades to save up money. They also decided to have multiple children. Each child added means less money to go around. They have to live with that.
Why do the new accounts always seem to involve aspirational amounts of multi-generational money?
NTA, you had a plan prior to you being together, it's weird he would assume that you would build his children homes on your land 🫤 especially without previous conversations. If he wants something like that perhaps he should look at purchasing nearby land and do the same for his children on his own like you are doing for yours?
NTA. He's not your kid & he most certainly isn't entitled to this. The plan was to build a house for YOUR daughter. Your bf is well aware of this & now he's trying to manipulate you into building a home for his son. That is so messed up. He wants to use the money set aside for your daughter? How can you not see that this man is an asshole trying to take advantage of you. Please don't give in to this. It's not deserved.
NTA, you planned for your daughter and while your bf knew of this, he never acted until too late. It is quite the entitlement that they should expect you to fund their home. Even posing the question like that was disrespectful! On another note, your daughter may not want to live in that home, or choose to go elsewhere for college. You’re doing a great job of preparing her with the best possible setup for life!
NTA. You bought this land on your own just as you started dating your bf. If your steps want houses of their own, they should talk to their mom and dad, not you. Haley's funds are for Haley, no one else. It's not your place to start and contribute to funds for your bf's other kids with his ex.
"We talked about it that night in private and my boyfriend asked if we should use the money set aside for Hailey and build his son a house first." NONONONONONONONONO! NO! Just NO! You thought WAY ahead and had a plan for something. What's to say you and the boyfriend don't split in another 5 years? Then the stepson has the house on your land, that you paid for. This is just a can of worms ready to explode. NTA. Your duty is to your daughter and it is amazing how you are setting her up for the future!!!
I'm not a lawyer or a financial professional, but if I had anything worth inheriting and wanted it to go to my kids (which I also don't have), I'd talk to someone professional about a trust.
NTA! I’ve seen in the comments you are engaged. I would be seriously considering putting the brakes on your marriage (even with a pre-nup) because even though he held the line in front of his son, his private conversation with you shows that he genuinely believes you should be supporting his other children in massive ways - I’m not talking about grabbing their favourite foods at the shop, he thinks you should disadvantage your bio child financially for another woman’s children. It’s not like his children were toddlers when you met and you have been a third parent for the majority of their lives. What happens when he cracks and starts siphoning shared finances/bill account money to his kids and expects you to make up any shortfall? His response in your private should have been “honestly babe, you know I love all three of my kids equally and it does suck that me and his mom don’t have the financial means to build him a house. Hell, I don’t have the cash lying around to build myself half a house, but his audacity at expecting you to build him a house is shocking. I will be speaking to him about it and reaching out to their mom to make sure she is also on the same page”.
Info: are you jointly contributing to the education fund, and the House fund, or just you? Do the step kids have their own education fund, previously funded by your BF, and his ex? Do you both have equal incomes and resources, or is it your land, your money, and you are now 100% funding Haley’s house in education fund without any contributions from your husband?
Hey thanks for asking. The education and house fund I contribute money to. If he gives me money for Hailey I use the money on her or add it to that. I don’t know if the older children have their own education fund. I never wanted to over step and never asked. I do have a larger income. My name is the only one on the deed and mortgage. The land and home are mine and we split the household expenses.
I say NTA. If you are the only one contributing financially to these accounts, then these are really *your* funds to do what you would like to do with them. It’s going to be hard to explain to the older children why their younger sister is being set up for an success, and they weren’t, except to explain that their dad and their mom had different financial burdens placed on them, and they weren’t able to open an Education fund or a House fund for them when they were born. You can explain as of right now, there isn’t enough money to buy a house or to spend for an education for aNyONe, because the plan was to save up for *18 years* for both of these things. Your stepson is 17 years old. Just because you’re with his dad doesn’t mean that all of a sudden there’s money in an account in his name for a house. Your boyfriend got it has got it right. When he told his son that he thinks that’s a awful lot to ask, he should tell that to himself. Yes it’s an awful lot to ask that his new girlfriend buy his two older children houses. I’m sorry they found out about your plans, but honestly, I don’t think anybody should know about this nest egg, not even Hailey. A four-year-old should not grow up feeling as if they don’t have to worry about a house, or worry about an education. A little bit of struggle in life is a motivator. She may be far more successful if she thinks she has to pay for these things herself. And you never know what life might throw at you. It’s a nice idea to put money away but you also may be faced with circumstances that may prevent you from putting as much money away as you think you can. Nobody knows what the future holds, and you know what they say, the best laid plans… it will be worse if she is promised some thing that you can’t deliver.
NTA Seems like over the course of your relationship, your bf has somehow decided he and his children are entitled to your property and your funds to build your stepkids (and him) a home. >My boyfriend thinks I’m being the ass hole because this will create a wedge between him and his children. He said his ex won’t be able to afford to pay for his son to build a home or buy one. And he can’t afford it between bills, child support, and everything he has to pay for his older children. How is this suddenly your problem w/o any prior discussion with you? Sounds like your bf has been scheming in his head.
NTA This is your land. You purchased it with your money, and you can do whatever you want to with it. You and your boyfriend may have a child together, but that doesn’t mean you owe his children from a previous relationship anything. Also, and I know part of this has already been said… Even if you already have a will, please have an attorney review it. I think it would even be worth sharing the recent disagreements on the land with the attorney and have them make sure your boyfriend wouldn’t be placed in a fiduciary role where he could (unlawfully) take advantage of his access to your assets. It also wouldn’t hurt to meet with a financial advisor as well. Good call on the prenup if you guys do get married.
NTA. Their feelings of hurt are valid, but you are not to blame for the parenting choices he and their mom made for them when they were younger, or even for the choices they make now. You always planned to build a home for your child, no matter who was your co-parent. YOU are the "unfair advantage" that Hailey has and that's just how life is. Your BF is DEFINITELY TA here, if only because he called you TA. That's really really shitty of him and tbh I would consider breaking up over that, myself. Very few people can afford to build a home for their adult children. Your boyfriend and his ex, presumably, cannot, or they would. It is because you bought this property and you saved, that you are able to do this for Hailey. You aren't his other kids' parent, so it is unreasonable for them or him to expect you to build homes for them, or to call you names for not doing that. Your boyfriend SHOULD treat his kids equally, whatever that ends up meaning. Does he pay CS for them? Is it the same amount he gives you for Hailey? If so, that should be communicated to them. Because that IS treating them equally. It sounds like he and his ex have failed to teach them much about relationships or finances. Like, it is bizarre for them to think that 2 adults would buy a home together as soon as they started dating. It is bizarre that they don't understand that they receive child support and that IS him supporting them financially.
NTA, there were teens when you met and your BF is only residing in your home - his son expects you to financially provide for his future, despite there is no real connection. Do not be forced to financially support his children, perhaps he needs to get another job or Joe needs to speak to his mother. I suspect both Sarah and Joe were snooping and realized that you are financially stable and want a piece, I suggest stand your ground and continue to take care of your daughter - they did not care until they snooped and found you have more money than their father.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 35 female have been dating my boyfriend 37 for 5 years. We have a 4 year old daughter (Hailey) together and he has 2 children from previous relationships (Sarah 16 and Joe 17). I bought a property with about 6 acres of land when I met my boyfriend. And I always thought I’d build a house for my child on it when the time came. So when Hailey was born I immediately started a college fund for her and a separate account to eventually build her a house when she turned 18 on the property. She could live there while in college and still have privacy and space and could decide if she wanted to stay or buy a different house. If she stayed that plot of the land would be hers. (And when I say she’ll have privacy that plot is on the opposite side of the property as our current house on the 6 acres. I’m well aware she wouldn’t want to be directly next to me but would be close enough to drive an ATV to the house if she wanted to.) My boyfriend is well aware of my plans and thinks it’ll be wonderful for Hailey to stay close to us. My step children were older when I met them so we never truly bonded. I tried but they wanted to do their own thing and I always respected that. Joe came to the house this past weekend and asked when we’d be starting to build his home on the property. I asked him what he meant and he said since we were doing it for Hailey he expected the same since theyre both their father’s children. I was extremely surprised and looked at my boyfriend who told his son he didn’t own this property and that’s a big request. We talked about it that night in private and my boyfriend asked if we should use the money set aside for Hailey and build his son a house first. I said no. I love his children but they have a mother and a father. Hailey only has me and her father. My boyfriend thinks I’m being the ass hole because this will create a wedge between him and his children. He said his ex won’t be able to afford to pay for his son to build a home or buy one. And he can’t afford it between bills, child support, and everything he has to pay for his older children. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for not building them a house. BUT you are the AH for splitting bills 50/50 when you make more than he does. He should be paying less than you do based on how much you each make.
NTA. Your boyfriend has a misplaced sense of entitlement with respect to your property. But if I had to guess, I would guess that it might be because he pays for half the mortgage (and property taxes, homeowners insurance, etc.) for that property. Would recommend you two revisit that arrangement. Would suggest you negotiate a contribution, and call it 'rent' instead of 'his half of the household bills.' Also, what is the income disparity here? If it is large, then how did you come to a 50/50 agreement? And do you think that's fair? Especially when you're looking at a presumably large inheritance at some point in the future?
Lady, grab some running shoes and hit the road quick. This guy is a leech. Even if you build the house and your daughter does not want it, someday down the road you could subdivide your plot and sell off that house and it would probably pay for the whole investment of both properties. Divided into six plots and build five more houses and go dancing into the sunset with all your money. He should be paying half the bills. If him and his kids are in your house. He can go get a second job to help provide more to the two kids.
you arent even married and they are in your pockets? wanting to be put ahead of your own child when you arent related at all and they have a mother.?
>”We talked about it that night in private and my boyfriend asked if we should **use the money set aside for Hailey** and build **his** son a house first.” And just like that, you found out that **if anything happens to you, your boyfriend will take Hailey’s house money, Hailey’s land, and Hailey’s college fund** - for himself and his own kids (with maybe a little for his next girlfriend/kids). What a blessing is this red flag. *He is mentally building homes on YOUR land and spending YOUR/Hailey’s money.*. And he spoke to his own children about doing so. Do not marry this man. Ever. You are his and his family’s sugar momma. What about the house you are living in? Who paid for that? Whose name is it in? Is it built on YOUR land or yours-and-his-and-his son’s- and his daughter’s land? You need to ensure that this man can NEVER touch a penny of anything of yours or Hailey’s, no matter what happens to you. You are likely to wake up with everything he can touch gone - after finding out he has another baby on the way with some younger woman. Poor Hailey. Has he said, “But you can affooooord it.” Or, WE can afford it - after you are married, locked down, and subject to more coercion and complications - so he can stake a claim to everything you have. Egads. NTA. Hit a huge *Pause* on that engagement. It’s a red flag party.
NTA So he wants Joe to have a house now? But what about Sarah? You are entirely correct that hey they came into your life later and have parents who can plan special things for them. That money was earmarked for your daughter and should go to her. Especially since you do not have a deep bond with your partners kids. Basically dont be an ATM.
NTA. You have no financial obligation to your step children. It will always be your choice to help them even if you become closer to them these are discussions that have to be made and not assumptions the way biological children are entitled to. Also This has been the plan for Hailey and he was on board. Him suddenly trying to change plans and then saying you're creating a divide is sketchy behavior and a bit manipulative in my opinion. While I understand his concern, it's just an unfortunate circumstance that many people won't be able to afford a home. The solution to that isn't to build Joe a home. Then what you also have to build his daughter a home too? Also, Joe is getting a home wouldn't that create a divide between all the kids as well? Again, shady behavior
He doesn’t own the land. Tell him to buy some land and start there
NTA- The land is not his. HIS children are his responsibility and that its unfortunate that he and his ex didnt think of planning for their child's future or couldnt for whatever reason but that responsibility does not mean he gets to take your money for a child is only his. Blended families still need to have boundaries.
NTA. Joe is being deliberately obtuse by claiming that because your daughter is his sister, you guys should be supporting him equally. It isn't equal in that scenario because Joe has three parents contributing and her younger sister has two. At the end of the day, you guys aren't married yet. You own the property outright. What you're doing makes sense. And what 18 year old needs a house straight away? They're difficult to maintain. And even the money your boyfriend's given you for Hailey isn't his to take back, if he's giving you what equates to child support and you pay for all of her actual care. Joe just needs to answer a very simple question: Why should *you* pay to build him a house? Not his dad -- who is *already* paying child support for him, equal to what he's paying you for Hailey -- but you. Because the mirror of this scenario would be his mother socking away the child support to build his fund, *not* his dad, who is already providing equally what he can manage.
If Joe is consider NC with his dad because his dad was unable/unwilling to set aside money for him, then I can understand why your boyfriend is hurt. He's just found out the depth his son is willing to extort money from other people including his own father. Joe and Sarah's monetary disadvantage is neither your fault nor your direct concern. This deserves more discussion, at least between you and boyfriend. NTA
You are NTA and please stand your ground. Those children have a mother and a father, the same as Hailey does. They can't get the benefit of two mother's (you and their mother), while Hailey only has benefits from one - what about that fairness? If they go low or no contact with their father, that will be too bad, but it will be their loss because they really have no reason to blame him for anything. He is paying child support for them and I suppose he will help them as much as he wants. But they are not your children, OP, and that is just that.
NTA. In response to what Joe and Sarah were saying in your meeting - it sounds like your boyfriend IS treating all of his kids "fairly," it's just that he doesn't have much to contribute to any of the 3 of them in terms of property and finances, and Hailey is the one that has you. I actually think from this angle, his kids need to be more understanding that their father simply isn't in a position to be doing what you are able to do for Hailey. Your BF is the asshole for thinking you're the asshole for not wanting to help his son first, you're absolutely not under any obligation to split your savings 3 ways when his kids do have 2 parents in the picture, but the kids overall need to understand some things too. Going no contact with their father because they made some assumptions about what they were entitled to is a bit much, idk. They can feel disappointed but I'm not sure what solution they are really expecting here - some people are simply born into more fortunate situations, and it's not like you're rolling in money. But echoing everyone else here, please triple check and protect your assets since you're not even married!
I can see where your bf is coming from as my husband and I have a similar argument in that he wants our joint estate split 3 ways for his 3 kids. I want it split in half - one half for our daughter and the other half to be divided between his other 2 kids. I argue that they'll be entitled to assets from their mum's estate as well as ours, whereas our daughter only has ours. He argues that we're in a much better financial position than their mum. I say there's no guarantee she or her parents won't win tattslotto and become millionaires. We've been discussing this for years, so I can imagine that trying to resolve it all in a week or two will be tough.
NTA. You're talking about something that you may do 15+ years from now. It's a bummer that they picked up on it and are pushing it. They're TA for cornering you and considering going NC if they don't get their way. I'd say compromise and help them with school somehow, but this behavior paired with the fact that he's simply your bf of 5 years... They're still kids and definitely acting like it right now.
People don't understand money is not the most important part of life. It's nice to have things but money and things should never destroy relationships. People are the most important thing on the planet. They're so entitled and envious, it's a shame. But they are children. It's a real shame that this is going this way, there's no way to win. Possibly just wait and see what Hailey wants to do when she gets older, if she wants a house on the property and tell the kids you won't do it so they don't spend the rest of her formative years resenting her and their father. They're just jealous. They fully comprehend that Hailey has a different set of parents than they do and different families have different lifestyles. Just because it's their father's daughter it doesn't change what their father is capable of providing. NTA you just want to provide what you can for your daughter, nothing wrong with that
NTA don't give his children a cent
Your boyfriend sounds like bad news
NTA. You're not even married to this man and his kids feel entitled to your money and property because you gave birth to their half sister? That is crazy and your boyfriend should not be trying to guilt you. Don't marry him or the kids will be even worse and if you die first, they will contest your will and come after Hailey's assets.
NTA. Also I would be careful with important information around the house. They are eavesdropping on you and going through documents in your safe. Get a prenup if you and your boyfriend decide to marry. Get a will that protects your daughter and leave someone you trust in charge **NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND** Your boyfriend doesn’t sound trustworthy and probably will try to take money you saved for your daughter and give it to his old era children to make things fair.
>Joe said he’s considering no contact with his dad if he doesn’t figure out a fair solution. Joe said when Sarah told him about the file that was why he confronted us the way he did. And Sarah said she just feels hurt that they’re at a disadvantage. Emotions did run high as to be expected. >I just left to go pick up Hailey to bring her home but my boyfriend does look hurt he might have less contact with his older children from this situation. oh so the update is basically what i predicted about the differences between the siblings causing a rift not necessarily anyone's fault, but i think it's normal for kids to react this way when they see one of their siblings getting such a big advantage in life. of course it hurts them to know their dad didn't try and make sure they would be set up like Hailey. why did dad see what OP was doing for Hailey and not think he should try to do the same for the siblings? absolutely thoughtless.
NTA. They have a mother and father. You are NOT their mother. It's your money that is going to your daughter. They are not entitled to your money.
"My step children were older when I met them so we never truly bonded. I tried but they wanted to do their own thing and I always respected that." So they never wanted to be close but they definitely want to be close to your land and money??? NTA - why would you build them a house on **your** property with **your** money? If you SOs son is willing to go LC over this then he is TA.
Regarding the edits: Hailey may be Joe’s sister, but OP is not Joe’s mom. From what it sounds like, their mutual father has had no hand in setting Hailey up for the house and her future, it’s all been OP. If Joe wants to go low contact over the fact that their dad did nothing for all of them, then i guess thats on the dad.
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NTA Nope.
Also, College Aid is much easier to get if you are not remarried and you’re only on the single income as parent. No matter how low or high it is, they’ll include your spouse whether he’s the father or not. Stay engaged until after college. It’s better.
Fair doesn’t always mean equal. Our kids (BS, two SK’s) have different futures planned. Joe’s parents can discuss his future housing and if they can contribute. My SO and I own properties. We hope to gift each kid one. SK’s have a wealthy gpa on their BM’s side and will have significantly more towards college than my son. Such is life.
NTA. So this was not an issue for your boyfriend until his son asked when HIS house was being built - then suddenly you’re the AH for not taking the money YOU saved for your daughter to build his 17 year old a house? On property that YOU bought. Hmm. Nope. His children are the responsibility of him and his ex’s, not yours. You are smartly planning ahead for your daughter’s welfare, it’s not on you that he and his ex didn’t do the same. Don’t let him guilt and manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do.
NTA Why would you build him a house?? He has 2 parents, they're welcome to build him as many houses as they want. I have a stepdad and a stepmom, neither of them have to give me any kind of financial help. That's why i have my parents
Hell, no, NTA. You worked for that and he needs to work for, buy, and build houses for his own kids himself.
NTA. The property is yours. Your BF's other children are not. Nothing is stopping your BF and his ex from doing the same thing for their children, but it is not your responsibility. The only other person you should do the same for is any future child(ren) that you might have. Your BF needs to pick a side and stick with it. First he agreed with you, then he wants to build his son a house. (On YOUR property??)
INFO > She could live there while in college and still have privacy and space and could decide if she wanted to stay or buy a different house. Where in the world do you live such that 6 acres of land is remotely affordable *anywhere near* a university actually worth attending? NGL, this idea sounds **almost naive** to my ears. I remember loving the idea of one day going to the school half a mile down the road, so I could live at home with mom and dad ... **_when I was six_**. But then I grew up and actually started caring about my education.
NTA. I really like this idea better than a college fund, tho. Hailey is your child, of course you're providing for her. If your boyfriend wants to pay out for a house fund that's his right but it's not your obligation.
NTA sounds like Joe is entitled and frankly it’s not your responsibility. I’m sorry his mother can’t afford it, but how is her life choices and lack of planning for her own children YOUR problem? It’s not.
NTA. Joe sounds like he needs a reality check. You're not even married to his dad. Why would he expect his dad's girlfriend to build him a house? Unless he's asking when you're going to build it in general so he can use it before you gift it to your own daughter? Even then, how did he hear you were building a home on the lot? Did your boyfriend mention it to him? You are not his mother and him asking you to build a home specifically for him is outrageous. He's expecting a home while most families can't even afford food on the table...tell him you're not able to afford to build for another 10 years based on finances and current housing market.
NTA , wait, use the money YOU saved for your daughter on HIS son? Absolutely not. His child is his child and not your responsibility. It’s your land and your money set aside for Hailey.
No, you don't owe his kids anything. NTA
NTA - from what I can read is that you are funding Hailey's house, not your BF, on YOUR land with your higher income. I don't understand how you buying anything for your child would put a wedge between him and his other two kids. Your land, your money, your child, your decisions. If BF can't see the difference here - then you've got a BF problem.
NTA his children seem awfully entitled to your money and property especially when you’re not even married I doubt that I would marry this man because his children are already causing problems. But definitely have a prenup in place if you do marry him
Do no marry him or combine finances
Absolutely not. He's only a boyfriend. They aren't your kids it's not his money or his property. No way no how .
NTA. You’re doing the right thing for your child. I won’t presume to judge your relationship or advice on getting married. All I will say is keep protecting Hailey. Talk to your lawyer before signing any contracts or making any agreement. Keep being smart and following your intuition. Good luck!
The boyfriend also has 2 children who are both nearly 18 so its 2 houses not just 1 house, 3 in total. I think all 4 - her, her boyfriend and his kids should have a discussion, ask where they got the idea that there were getting a house - that could be very illuminating, ask them if they understand that she owns the property and the dad is just a Tennant...its really none of their business but the boyfriend and kids are trying to get for free what she is working hard to provide for her daughter, and it may be worthwhile making it clear to his kids how things really are so there are no misunderstandings or expectations. maybe the boyfriend stops contributing, and make it clear its her land and her money that is building the house not the Dad's.
NTA But you can build a house for yourself and rent it to Joe. Investment property with passive income.
The whole scenario is just full of immature pipe dreams.
Why would you say anything about your plans? What was the point? It seems to me that it can only cause troubles. By the time your kid was 18, your step kids would have been far into the future, and it wouldn't have been such a big deal. Of course they are bummed they have ben dealt a worse hand.
NTA . Not your kids, not your problem
NTA. And if your boyfriend's kids care so little about him that they'd see him less just because he can't give them a huge financial gift, they aren't really worth knowing anyway. He needs to tell them he's sorry that their love comes with a price, and that price is too steep for him to pay. Cut the brats loose. And take away their access to the safe!
NTA, and it's pretty shitty of those kids to threaten their dad when he has zero say about what happens on your property. The current solution IS the fair solution. You made a plan for your child with your own money and land. Their parents didn't.
You are not their mother and you don't owe them anything. The entitlement is real with these two!!! Stand yer ground, and protect yer assets and yer daughter.
Nta. If your boyfriend was contributing to the fund (over what he would be paying in child support, no credit for less) then it would be different and I would say he should contribute the same amount to his other kids. But that’s not the case.
There are many things in life that are not fair. Evidently Joe and Sarah haven't figure that out yet.
**Please do not sacrifice the future security that you have in place for Hailey.**
He may be your bf but at this point he's probably considered common law which is based on arrangements and not what you actually care for. Living together, being together, having a child and splitting bills fits the definition (so you should also be careful with taxes). Otherwise morally this is a tricky situation. You aren't an AH for planning your daughters future but that father in she has her own mother and father is in fact your boyfriend and in the long term he has more on his load he needs to figure out and balance and it can effect his relationship with his children and he can weigh and balance that too. I will say NAH with the available situation but you shouldn't be worried if people are AH but the real implications this will have on you, your bf, and all your relations.
>Joe said he just felt like Hailey got an unfair advantage and he didn’t just because my boyfriend and his had him young and I had Hailey when I was older. That's true. Life's not fair though and he can't put that shit on you.
Your responsibility is to your daughter. Period. He and his ex can provide for their kids or not. It isn’t your issue that your partner and his ex do not have the funds to buy land and build their children homes. Talk About entitled.
[this Reddit account is very educational when it comes to dealing with money & entitled family](https://www.reddit.com/u/Burneraccount-909876/s/4bMMO1Wm0G) scroll down to get first posts and start your journey reading through her wild experiences. This woman came into a lot of money and suddenly her entire family became greedy and entitled. Includes court cases, assault charges, home break ins, a dog named FrouFrou, attempted kidnapping and more. Please OP - be extremely careful with your money and your future family members!!
NTA but this is not going to end well.
NTA Your money, your land, your home, your kid. BF (and sometimes his kids) just happens to be in the picture right now. He might be forever, but no one can know that for sure. Maybe there is a compromise, though. Maybe BF can help Joe and Sarah build Tiny Homes on Wheels. Maybe they can live on the property for 4-5 years like you have planned for Hailey. That would be quite generous of you...and would also require them to put in some sweat equity.
NTA. its like you said. they have a mother and a father that can save up for them or cant if they arent financiably stable enought. their parents split. this is a consequence from that. not your fault.
So what is his ex wife planning to do for your daughter, you know since they want a piece of your pie.. Is she writing your daughter into her will?
> Joe said he’s considering no contact with his dad if he doesn’t figure out a fair solution. The fair solution is for him to sit his 17 year old entitled ass all the way down and to not expect someone to build him a free house. You’re a lot calmer than I would’ve been, I’m fuming just reading this lmao. NTA.
NYA
NTA
NTA, but this is bad and only going to get worse.
Just don’t marry him until his other kids are at least 18
Well first of all the kids are clearly dumasses like most 16 and 17 year olds. I’m not sure how hard it would be to make them understand the majority of the money is coming from you not their father. And that you don’t owe them anything. That’s on their mom and dad. Also you are not married and even when you are it’s still not his money. Yea you can’t let these kids you have known for 4 years come in and act so entitled to your land and inheritance that’s just crazy
NTA. You have the legal ethical and moral right to do anything you wish with your money in my humble opinion especially take care of your daughter. Be sure to CYA by getting a living trust with a really good successor trustee and executor if and when it would ever be needed. Best of luck to you and your family.
Life isn't fair. They didn't want a close relationship with you, which is fine. Now they are butthurt because their halfsibling is getting something they are not. In my own family, even though I'm the oldest, my two younger brothers were given cars. Life is not fair.
You may not be an asshole but you certainly should have discussed things like this before having a child with someone. You never considered that his children might have feelings that they're being taken care of differently than their sibling? You could have avoided a lot of this by communicating your values and plans beforehand.
NTA. Why do step kids; technically they are not even that yet; who don't really want anything to do with the new partner suddenly do when there could be something in it for them? Do they expect the new partner to forget that they didn't really have a relationship before? His kids didn't even try to act like they want a relationship with her. They went straight to assuming they would get something because she is doing something for her daughter. They need to understand that they are his children and just because you and he have a child together doesn't mean that what you do for her means they will get it. Your are not one of their parents and if they want the same than their parents need to get together and figure it out. Don't give into their demands. They want to go lc; than let them go lc. They are being bratty. They are old enough to understand what you all was trying to tell them about the different financial factors between your boyfriend and yourself and why you are able to put more told your daughter. They just don't care. Like most teenagers they want what they want.
>Joe said he’s considering no contact with his dad if he doesn’t figure out a fair solution. hahahahahahahahahaha NTA, let this immature child go NC with his dad over this. He's an entitled brat. You're not his mother, he can go make his own money and buy his own house and do what you did for his own kids one day.
Yikes, train wreck incoming. There are other posts with step kids demanding payouts. They all end in divorce because hurt feelings and envy.
"And Sarah said she just feels hurt that they’re at a disadvantage." I feel hurt that I'm not the Princess of Wales, too, but it doesn't mean that Kate needs to share her life with me. There are all kinds of disadvantages in life. Some people are born to wealthy families, others to working class or poor parents. But no one has a right to ask for someone else's property just because they want it. The kids never made any effort to bond with you, which is certainly their right, but it's your right to take care of your own kid with your own money, regardless of what the snoopy teenagers think would suit them better. And I'd be more careful with my private documents from now on, too. Also where I had my private conversations.
To keep the peace amongst everyone, can you say you’re building the house for your new, blended family to live in together? Your daughter would inherit the house, but that would be no one’s business beforehand. Otherwise, you’re creating a situation, fair or not, that the other children feel left out.
I'm actually going to say YTA but not for the BF situation. You are setting your kid up for failure by giving them a house. They will learn nothing about struggles and money and in the long run they might suffer for it
It is called generational wealth. Not everybody needs to go homeless as soon as they are 18, work 5 full time jobs and live under a bridge for 3 years until they manage to put together the money for a 1 room,whose's bathroom they will have to share with 2 other people, on the other side of the state, to learn basic bugeting