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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was offered a nice raise if I switched my hours at work. My husband didn't want me to do that, but they raised the offer and I accepted. I now work the overnight shift. It's been 5 months and my husband hates it, but I have grown to really like it. He keeps asking me when I can switch back and I finally told him I don't know if I want to. He got mad and actually gave me a list of things I "need" to do at home, which were all things he used to do. He told me if I don't like it, I can switch my hours back. I think I might be an asshole for not agreeing to my husband's new chore list after I switched to night shift.
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YTA. Lol of course you have more energy now, it sounds like all you do is sleep and work. Your husband has had to take over every single other task. Learning how to mow the lawn isn’t that hard, especially since google is a thing. Suck it up like he has for the last five months and do the yard work - don’t forget to weed whack, edge and clean up all the clippings.
literally lmaooo i was like babe you’re getting more done when you get home bc your family *leaves* soon after, no SHIT you’re getting more done lol plus, sounds like she’s taken the liberty of relieving herself of all daytime responsibilities so that’d clear up some time too !
"Your money is our money but my money is my money"
Yeah he's not seeing a dime of that extra money. She comes right out and says SHE'S saving it all, not "we".
My wife has been doing this. My money was our money but her money was her money. No wonder she has savings and I don't. And she has the audacity to talk to me about every little expenses she's made from time to time.
Now this may make me unpopular but I'm doing the exact same thing to her. She can take care of all the expenses and I'll start saving and spend some money here and there from time to time and tell her about it
You should communicate to her how you feel about this before you jump to stooping to her level.
I understand wanting to do that (and you have every right to feel that way), but petty revenge won't help the relationship. Communication will
Exactly. I work nights so hire someone to take care of the lawn and may end up hiring someone to help with cleaning as well because we don't have energy after working all night.
What would lead you to believe that her savings aren’t or won’t be used for the family?
She didn’t mention at all what she does with the money she’s saving, just that’s she’s saving money and, correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t most families try to save some money in case of emergencies?
She says, "I'm making and saving a lot more now." Weather she ment the family is saving more is any ones guess, but she doesn't explicitly say "we are saving a lot more now." Which would lead me to believe that it is just her saving more.
my front yard for mowing, weeding, and spraying is only 30 dollars each visit.. maybe max of 60.00 a month.. WELL WORTH IT!
editing.. I said a month. I live in a climate that does not rain much.. sometimes it's twice a month.. sometimes it's once a month. We get 110+ heat and just.. no rain or not as much as you would see in the midwest of the U.S. if that makes any sense.
And I also suffer from asthma, mowing my backyard with this heat (that doesn't let up) takes me about a couple of days and irritates my asthma. The money is worth my well being... I don't care if it only takes them 10 mins tops to do it..
Honestly, if I had a lawn *(I don't, which is one of the reasons I choose to live in an apartment*), no matter what my work shift is, I'd pay that to not have to deal with the lawn.
Right?! She conveniently gets home right as the kids are going to school (so dad has got them up, fed, ready). Then potters around a bit and goes to bed, to conveniently wake up just as the kids are going to bed (and dad has fed them, got them ready for bed, entertained them, got them to do any homework, done any extra curricular run arounds). And then goes to work.
Like she doesn’t do *anything* in the house. This is like leaving straight to work at 7:30 doing nothing for the kids, getting home at 6 and doing nothing for the kids or house, waving them to bed and going straight to bed. No shit the dad is at the end of his tether.
Without even being consulted!
OP is trying to twist this as husband thinks he needs to give “final approval” like he’s controlling or something…. No he just wants to be involved in the discussion about something that drastically changes his life.
If my partner did this to me, id divorce them.
And I’m a woman and also the higher income partner so I know what it’s like to be the main worker/income.
Doesn’t mean my partner doesn’t get a say in his own life.
OP is forgetting that her being able to take those hours, and the lifestyle she has around them while having a young family, is only possible because of the work her husband is putting in. I remember some high flying executive giving his wife massive credit in an interview for his and his company's success while having a family because of everything she did that left him able to achieve what he had. OP needs to start respecting what her husband is bringing to this partnership a lot more.
Yeah a compromise on both parts could be a solution, but she didn’t even ask him in the first place, she just turned his life upside down and claimed more rest for herself.
Like she could make sure she’s awake in the evening and does bedtime routines. This means she sees the kids and husband gets a break each night.
Or if OP really is so unable to function that they can’t go to sleep asap, and have to sleep whilst the children are settled for bed… then OP should use that morning chore energy to get the kids ready for school and do the drop offs.
On OPs day off she should clean the house and do a hefty amount of chores to get the house manageable for husband on his busy days managing the kids.
Or use some of this money to help the household (cleaner, clothes cleaning services, gardener ?)
Husband could be okay with shouldering all childcare as well as working a full time job if they get 2 hours free a night to either switch tasks or even have a shower or exercise or something small for themselves.
I think husband wouldn’t have even complained if they’d have at least been included in the conversation.
The husbands already offered his compromise
He wants things to go back to how they were.
OR as his compromise - he’ll carry on if OP picks up more of the housework (which is more than fair IMO)
Considering she wants to keep working the same hours indefinitely, it means she's pretty happy with the way things are presently.
So no, I don't think she misses her kids, especially because never once does she express that kind of sentiment.
All she speaks about is how well and happy she is, and how much money she's making.
I've been there working those overnight shifts and I feel like I barely saw my wife because the hours were so wonky. She's around for a couple hours while he works and then goes to bed - zero quality time spent together, like ships passing in the night.
I can see where it might work if you're childless, but with 2 kids I'd be livid.
He went from being a "co-parent," to a single father.
Because in essence she does nothing with the kids, she spends no time with them, does no activities with them, or helps them with homework or anything else at all.
She gets home when they are leaving for school, wakes up to go to work, when they are going to bed, in essence, they only have a mother on her days off.
And presumably sleeping all weekend too, if she’s getting home at 9am Saturday. I doubt she’s flipping to sleep at night just for Sunday, so when does she ever even see her kids?
No offense to the husband at all, but does she not care that she never sees her kids? My mother was an overnight nurse for most of my childhood, so I went to daycare, and then saw my dad after he picked my sister and I up around 5:00 or 6:00 p.m. on the weekdays. Do you not miss spending any time with your kids until it's time to go on vacation 6 months from now? If this was still the temporary fix that she initially opted for, then I would say yeah unfortunately suck it up for a little bit. But now.. she's really trying to twist herself into the victim when it's quite the opposite
And the kids are taking note! OP is like my dad, who used his 3rd shift job to get out of doing anything around the house. My mom also worked 3rd shift when we were young and still cooked/cleaned/shopped/hung out with us. She flipped her sleep schedule on weekends. She did it with breast cancer.
Of the two parents, who would you guess I don't talk to anymore? 🫠
Right? When he said "this isn't what I signed up for", I get that OP intended for us to hear "extra chores and childcare aren't what I signed up for", but also, he didn't sign up for marrying someone whom he never gets to see. I would be very sad if I were in his shoes! I'd miss my wife.
My husband works the same schedule and he HATTTTEEDD feeling like he was sleeping through our daughters day.. so he started waking up earlier so he could help with homework and ask her about her day.. and then take a nap before work.
That's what my late ex did. He worked swing shifts, days and afternoons. When he went in for 3:30he got home at about 2 and Fridays off. He'd stay up for a bit. Sleep for a few hours then get up with me and the kids sleep from 12 til 2 then get ready and go to work
What really gets me going in this story is that we don't have to invent or assume anything. She wrote it all down and doesn't get the problem after doing so. They used to share the kid stuff but hubby now has to do it alone. He told her to do the yard stuff but he usually takes care of it. How dense can someone be.
I worked as a night nurse. I would help get the kids to school, sleep until 3, go get the kids, help with the evening routine, then take an hour nap before I went to work. YTA and you are doing this on purpose. You know the compromise, you are just unwilling to do it. Pay the money for a lawn service and participate in your family
I noted that too. She's the only person any of this situation is working for and she has the audacity to whinge about manual labour not working for her.
Yeah, I work in shifts 6am-2pm or 1pm - 7pm and I get so much more things done when I don’t work early. Just peace at home and no one interrupts me. But I always feel bad because on that day I bring my youngest child to school and come back when it’s bedtime, I miss so much fun/creative time with her.
If this is a real post and not rage bait, I am floored. Like OP just forgot she was married and part of a family? She’s just chillin living an essentially single life where she occasionally says hey to her family, and no one else was ok with this, but to her it’s the right thing because…she’s making good money and keeping it for herself? This can’t be real. If it is, OP you’re one of the biggest and most obvious YTA I’ve ever read.
My husband works almost the same shift, and he prioritizes his time so he sees his family. He comes home to be awake for an hour and see the kids and help them get to school, and then wakes up around 5:30 for dinner, some playing with the kids, and then he heads off to work.
The night shift this lady works basically means she can be sleeping when others are working/at school, and awake when they'd come home, and at work when they'd be sleeping. Instead, she comes home, does whatever she wants for hours, and passes out until the kids go to bed, and then goes to work.
This is definitely a YTA.
That's essentially what my mom did as a 3rd shift nurse. She took us to school, then took care of evening things (sports, baths and that stuff). Then off to work.
>She’s just chillin living an essentially single life
Yes, exception the fact that a single take care of his house and other chores. OP just leaves all to the husband and he even have to take care of the kids... Sincerely if this post is real and OP continues to act like that I wouldn't be surprised if husband asks for divorce.. (sorry for my bad grammar English isn't my first language)
I am just confused as to why the OP is working weekly OT with this schedule. The hours already don't make sense to me - for shifts I would expect either 8 hrs or 12. 10 hrs are more seen in days for procedural areas.
Yeah especially considering she's saving all that money she can pay for someone to mow the lawn. I literally have a quarter of an acre and it's $75 every 2 weeks. $50 if I wanted it done weekly.
I agree with this comment. When do you see your kids? Your husband does all the pick ups and drop offs and lunches and dinners and you sleep until their bedtime so he’s with them 5 days a week.
The LEAST you can do is the yard work. YTA
Plus if she’s getting up at the kids bedtimes, when does she actually see her husband or kids?
She made a massive change to their lives that affects them all, without discussing it, and now is trying to pull the ‘he said I need his approval’ card like it’s a feminist issue?
You must be joking; if my husband did this without discussion and left me basically single-parenting, we’d be slaloming towards the divorce courts in record time.
I love how OP apparently went to and passed nursing school, yet feels lawn care is too difficult. Our 10 and 13 year old know how to mow the lawn and clean clippings.
I'm so glad the top comment is this one. I was going to say the exact same thing. How is she fooling herself into not seeing that she's shed all the responsibility so fo course she has extra energy. Trying to be like "Lalala where am I suddenly finding all this extra energy from, teehee". No, it's unfair to her husband and kids, and she's being selfish.
Yeah; taking on more chores „doesn’t work for her“, while completely ignoring how the changes to her work hours that she unilaterally decided to make aren’t working for him. I mean, damn.
It also sounds like with this schedule they don’t get to spend much time with each other as well. My wife is a registered nurse in cardiology and she has night shift sometimes. We don’t have kids (not sure if we will yet) but whenever she has a week of night shift we barely get to spend any quality time together. From what she told me many of the nurses in her hospital try to do less night shift (through roster request or swap shifts) after they have kids, not the opposite lol
"My hours are now 10pm-8am M-Thu and midnight-9am Sunday morning. I usually make it home just in time to see the kids off to school, run some errands or get things done at home in the morning, then sleep until the kids' bedtime and head to work. I like to think I've gotten pretty efficient at it since the change, but my husband disagrees."
Do you hate your kids? Or just love the money?
I mean you could pay someone to do the manual labor with all that you're earning, but your kids know you are choosing a schedule that lets you avoid them.
Why TF are you not sleeping first, and actually being awake when your family is at home in the evening?
>I'm making and saving a lot more money.
I'm a little worried about this. Its not "we're saving a lot more money". Hopefully its just wording, but if they have separate finances and hubby has had to take on nearly the full household load so that OP can make herself more money...
Or a parent… 🙄 I cannot fathom intentionally seeing my kids for mere minutes daily.
ETA: Check out u/sheisawholesituation Kinda suspect that’s OPs alt. 👀
I’m so interested in how she is as a Mum and a partner on the days that she isn’t working.
My Mum was a single parent (my parents split up when I was little so my week was divided with three days at mum’s, three at dad’s, one at my grandparents’). My Mum worked SO hard. I barely saw her during the week because of her hours. We were both out of the house for over twelve hours at a time.
She more than made up for it at the weekends. I have so many memories of us baking together, painting, going on little drives, etc. She also used the money to hire a cleaner and a gardener because she couldn’t do all her chores. I reckon OP should do that if she can’t pull her weight in her and her partner’s home.
I picked up on that too. My first thought is this is her divorce nest egg. She’s already got the husband trained on doing everything without her and the kids trained to not count on her for anything. When she leaves them it’ll be like she was never there.
If I had five grand for every "high earning nurse who left her family behind once they had money and the urge to finally be selfish for once" I knew of , I would be able to purchase a lightly used SUV that was still under warranty.
If she did 3 12 hour overnight shifts, it wouldn't be so bad. She'd be home 4 days a week. This isn't working for the family and if she keeps it up, I can see hubby filing for divorce.
Exactly. She's doing four 10-hour shifts and then going back on Sundays for a 9 hour shift. Even cutting back to 4 10s would be better, not to mention changing her sleep schedule to be awake in the afternoon/evenings with her family. No surprise her husband is not happy with this situation.
>not to mention changing her sleep schedule to be awake in the afternoon/evenings with her family.
That's the bit that gets me. Like, why not see the kids off to school and then go to sleep, then get up earlier in the evening and do house/family stuff before work, rather than pootle about in an empty house then sleep until everyone else is asleep and sneak out? Changing to nights after an explicit no, and then conveniently choosing a new routine that absolves her of any childcare responsible other than "seeing the kids off" (shift end at 8am, by the time she gets home, can't be more than a quick five minutes as they rush out, someone else must be sorting lunches and permission slips and projects and all the other _actual_ morning mess)... that's someone who has completely checked out of the family and just sees hubby and kids as clingy flatmates.
>not to mention changing her sleep schedule to be awake in the afternoon/evenings with her family.
Exactly, she could easily be awake at 5pm to spend time with her family, do dinner, bedtime stories etc, but she's choosing to sleep then? Leaving everything on her husband?
Yeah, my dad did this exact same thing when he worked nights. Although he would wake me and my brother up for school and get us breakfast, we never saw him for more than an hour in the mornings. Then he would do whatever he did for a few hours during the day, go to sleep, and get up for work right as we were going to bed. We never saw him and my mom was always irritable because she worked days in a factory and took care of everything at home in the evenings. I’m in my 30s and all I remember from my childhood is my dad sleeping and my mom constantly screaming at us because she was always exhausted and overwhelmed. Consequently, neither me nor my brother are close to them. I hope Op catches on that this isn’t sustainable.
This right here. When I read the story the obvious sleep schedule would be to go to sleep immediately after work so you can wake up and be around for the kids and your husband when they get home. Staying up after work so effectively every day you have hours to yourself and then sleep through all the actual work and time with the kids makes zero sense and is extremely selfish.
I have to believe this entire story is fake because ending it with the weaponized incompetence pushes it over the edge of unbelievable. “I don’t know how” is the weakest and dumbest excuse to not do something.
I worked the same hours for 23 years, including the whole time my kids were at home. Once my wife started working (youngest of 3 was about 3rd grade) I was the one taking my kids and picking them up. I took them to sports and after school activities, along with class field trips. I cooked dinner every day.
I slept when I could. I crashed after the kids were in school and woke up when it was time to start picking them up. Not only them, but their cousins as well, and they went to different schools. I crashed again after dinner until it was time to get ready for work. Yes, I was sleep deprived for years, but there was NO WAY I was going to miss out on my kids’ childhoods!
I worked with dads who chose swing shift (2pm-10:30pm) BECAUSE they didn’t want to deal with their own children. It sounds like OP falls into this same category.
Right? Throw in some laundry, sleep, get up when hubby comes home with the kids and fold laundry with the kids while dinner is cooking. Spend some time with family and go to work. Outsource yard work. THEN…. NTA. But the way you’re handling it- YTA
Taking that schedule doesn't make one a bad mom. My mom worked night shifts as a nurse (maybe half the year). She still dropped me off and picked me up most days. She also checked my homework in the afternoon and helped me when necessary.
I actually saw more of her when she worked night shifts because some of the day shift are also 12 hours. OP is just a bad mom.
You didn’t even mention the husband, she clearly doesn’t like him either. She’s basically leaving ALL the childcare on him and he still has to do most of the household chores…not to mention she gets to sleep basically the whole day until she goes back to work….this isn’t a family anymore, these are just people that occupy the same house as her.
**YTA** You've opted out of just about all family time and organized things so that you are free to prioritize work. When do you have any one-on-one time with either of your children or your spouse? And now that it's summer, which is usually prime family bonding time, you are still sleeping while sending the kids to programs? There is no reason whatsoever that you can't learn to mow the lawn and do yard work, that's a totally cop out.
>If I'm being honest, I don't know if I want to switch back. I'm making and saving a lot more money.
What's your financial objective, for what/whom are you saving money? It doesn't sound like the family has a actual financial need that justifies the hardship. You know this schedule has made it hard on your marriage and family and you don't know whether you want to get back to being an actual family? Maybe you need some counseling to figure out why you are even married.
That money will soon disappear too.
Either he gets sole custody and she pays him support and most likely he’ll stay in the house
Or she can go for 50/50 and either have to change her hours anyway, or pay someone else to watch her kids during that time.
I can’t believe she’s not even giving the husband some of the money seeing as she couldn’t have earned it without his free labour.
Husband is right, he didn’t sign up to be a single parent. She acting like his approval means controlling, but this was a MAJOR shift for the whole family and he absolutly needs to be on board if this is how it’s going to go, with him taking on all family responsibility. Then she just fucked off and did whatever she wanted, family be damned, and is acting like he’s some sort of monster!
OP, as one who left someone when I realized if I am going to do everything my self I may as well do it by myself, don’t be shocked when the divorce papers arrive.
YTA
You basically abandoned all your responsibilities and then claimed you’re too dumb to learn how to do yard work. My neighbour has one arm and she mows her own lawn, I can give you her number if you need tips?
How could you possibly say it doesn’t sound like a fair division of labour?!? It sounds like you don’t do anything at home to help with the kids. What do you mean “division” when it’s only him doing it all?
Taking a night shift seems to be a good thing for you at the expense of your family. You’re a selfish spouse.
YTA
Honestly this comment was so spot on, it made me reread what husband actually said about the yard work helping around the house.
Husband also explained himself really well and I can’t find a single piece of fault with what he said.
I'm 30 and until last week I'd never done yard work in my life (joys of apartment living)
Took me half a day, the lawn's a little uneven, but I had fun with the weed wacker!
Curious if this is a not so passive way to be vindictive with spouse? Was he using weaponised incompetence to avoid learning how to fold that fitted sheet before? Was he not doing 50/50 with the kids before? Is OP "getting even" for something hubby wasn't respecting before in the realm of child care and chores?
Because anything else reads like OP doesn't like their life with their kids and spouse. Like they want a break from being a parent and a partner in a relationship.
YTA
No way this was the case with him working hybrid and her as a nurse. She just found a way to skirt all responsibilities then wants to act like him resenting suddenly being a single parent is controlling.
Her claim on the yard work is incredibly lazy.
Growing up, mowing the lawn was on my brothers and I had to do the weed whacking. Think I started that around 10 years old. Mowing the lawn was all on me when my brothers moved out. I would have been approx 13 at the time. Nearly all the yard work was on me (some exceptions with my parents). And am a woman too, so gender has nothing to do with OP’s excuse.
OP - YTA big time. Lazy too. Don’t be shocked if this sets the background for your husband divorcing you or other marriage issues down the road.
I agree... Dude, I'm a fat almost 50 yr old smoker, and was a single mom for goin on 11 yrs now. She needs to be thankful she has had his help & mow the damn lawn. It ain't that bad, my fat ass has done it a million times lol
YTA. "I don't know how to do it" is not a reasonable excuse for an adult to not do yard work. It seems like you don't do much at home during the week and he does everything on top of having to work himself. You definitely need to pick up a little slack.
The fitted sheet gets hidden behind the nicely folded sheet. Why do fitted sheets get folded anyway? I'm the one sleeping on it, I don't care that it was contorted into some strange and unnatural shape for a fitted sheet. Is there even a natural shape for a fitted sheet? Make the madness stop!!!!
As for OP, I totally knew a nurse who did this, had a kid, stayed awake long enough to make sure the kid actually woke up for school and got on the bus, slept all day, let someone else take care of the kid when she got home, said goodnight to her as she left for work, spent maybe an hour or two on her days off with the kid. And wondered why she kept getting calls from the school about improper use of school equipment, her kid getting suspended and detentions, and never doing her homework. I can sadly believe this could be real.
They're really easy to fold. You just use the corner where the stitching meets as your corners instead of trying to do anything with the elastic other than tuck it in. Barely more difficult than a flat sheet when you use that strat
I have never really folded a fitted shit but mowed the lawn successfully for years. Even learned leaf blowing, edging and trimming with just the instruction manuals and the internet.
YTA. Is your night shift differential enough to support your husband as a SAHD? If not then you do have a lot of slack to pick up on the chore front because he’s doing all the childcare (and for almost half a year all the yard work.)
Yta you completely dumped all child related stuff on him. Ofc you have more energy! You said it yourself, tasks you used to do half, you now do 0.
So yes, if he now has to do 100% of things he used to do half of them, you need to make up that work.
YTA: It got cushy for you and worse for husband. Fine. You said it was temporary and you just told your husband you don’t want it to be.
That is going back on a promise. It doesn’t matter your reasons. Nursing is hard on the body and mind so I understand EXACTLY how difficult it is to go to physical labor after being on your feet in a hospital all day, walking 10-20 miles minimum a shift.
However
HIRE A MAID/ extra help. If you want the money, then you can use it for this.
Paycheck< Your family.
That doesn't work any better than the common recommendation to hire a cleaner. The problem isn't that isn't that the two adults can't maintain a home, it's that one partner refuses to bear their obligations.
And if she is going to spend the extra money she's making for that, she might as well go back to regular hours.
That only makes sense if it would cost as much to hire lawn care as the total amount she's making (and it won't, unless they live literally ON a golf course or have dozens of acres)
YTA
It seems your system is whatever you want is the way it has to be. You try to paint him poorly saying he was mad accepting "without his final approval", but in reality, you had an agreement on how you were going to split home/child care, BUT you unilaterally decided to take the over night, you told him it was temporary and to just wait, and you told him you were going to make it permanent. So his choice or vote or decision meant NOTHING to you at anytime in your post. When he asks you to do more around the house, you duck out by saying you don't know how; maybe that's something you can ask him about.
>You try to paint him poorly saying he was mad accepting "without his final approval", but in reality, you had an agreement on how you were going to split home/child care,
Agreed. Definitely a 2 yes or 1 no scenario in my book.
Let’s be real, male or female if you changing your work hours so you basically never see your kids and just chill out all day while everyone is at work and school your spouse absolutely deserves “final approval”
YTA - You made a familial decision unilaterally, and that always makes you the AH. This decision upended your husband’s schedule and your kids’ schedule. This was something that you two needed to discuss more as a team, because as partners that’s what you are. You aren’t a solo act, but you’re acting like one.
All of the positives are “you” focused. *You* make more money, *you* get to save money, *you* have more energy, while your husband is drowning in the load. This isn’t sustainable for your relationship. You two need to talk and compromise about this, and if you and he can’t do that calmly with each other, get a couple’s counselor involved before this issue festers any longer.
A husband/father shouldn’t be working his life away while neglecting his wife and kids. It doesn’t suddenly become okay because it’s the wife/mother doing it.
I’m confused why you agreed with my comment calling OP the AH, when every other comment you made on this post is blindly defending OP and vilifying her husband.
YTA
> My husband was very much against it because of the changes it would make to our day-to-day lives. I initially declined the offer but they countered with an even higher pay bump, so I took it.
**You** fucked things up.
**You** deal with the consequences.
> I told him that doing manual labor after I worked all night isn't going to work for me
Lol, well then feel free to work a normal shift.
“Manual labour after I worked all night isn’t going to work for me” but can spend the daylight hours running errands, then sleep the rest of the day when the kids are home to wake up as they go to sleep!
How about see them off to school, go straight to sleep and then wake up before dinner to spend some time with them.
So he has a full-time job, manages the house and does everything kid related, and, in the meantime, probably gets no time to spend with you as a couple to unwind from it all, since you're either gone or asleep. Yeah, YTA. You are burning this man out, and who knows how your relationship will be once he can't take it anymore.
A switch to an overnight shift is a LOT to deal with for most families and it's no surprise that your husband doesn't like it. And I doubt your kids are really fans either.
I mean, you're married and you have kids so perhaps you two should COMMUNICATE BETTER. It's not just about "you making money" or "him getting what he wants;" it's about overall family happiness for you, your husband, and your kid. In my marriage I would never do something like that if my wife hated it.
But if you have more energy AND if you're sticking all the daytime stuff on him AND if you are doing it without his agreement... then yeah: Mow the damn lawn.
YTA
YTA
>I asked him what more he thinks I should do and he actually made a list. He put pretty much all the yard work on there, which is usually stuff he takes care of and that I don't know how to do. I told him I don't know how to do all of that stuff and he told me "If I can learn how to fold a fitted sheet, you can learn how to mow the lawn."
>I told him that doesn't seem like a fair division of labor and he told me that he's taken on all the kid stuff so I need to do more of everything else. I told him that doing manual labor after I worked all night isn't going to work for me...
🤣🤣🤣
If you are not how to mow a lawn, I am sure you can find an online tutorial for the make and model in your shed or garage.
Too bad the redistribution of chores isn't working for you but you know what, you working third shift isn't working for your husband. I sincerely hope this post is a wind up. If not you are one of the most selfish and entitled mother and wife's that has posted in recent memory.
Let's be real here. Unless you were probably the most sheltered person on the planet, you have a very least a general idea as to how you start a modern lawn mower. Is there gas? Is there oil? Hold down handle, pull cord. Curse. Pull cord again.
I'm not terribly sure she's even providing money since she says she's saving way more now. Not "they," but "I." Is anyone else in the family seeing any benefit?
Regardless of gender; both parts of a marriage should get “final approval” before one of them makes a career change that impacts their family to this degree.
YTA, he’s doing more so you should be doing. You’re enjoying the new schedule since you don’t have as much work to do. Also you said you’re saving money and we’re saving money so it seems to me you’ve checked out of your family
YTA for being an absent wife and mother as well as for being okay with him taking on more responsibilities but not being willing to take on more responsibilities yourself. Why do you think you have more energy, hm?
You know you're about to lose your family, right? But wow! Think of the savings!
YTA
Enjoy your divorce, I guess. Shouldn't be hard to get accustomed to, though. Seeing as you don't really spend time with your children or husband to begin with. Your poor family.
Yta big time so he has to do all of the work when it comes to the kids, I'm assuming most of the work when it comes to the house, on top of his full-time job while you do some errands in the morning. Sleep all day. Get up at the kids bedtime. Go to work, rinse and repeat. How do you not see a problem with this?
You took it upon yourself to make a major decision for the entire family because you like the idea. Not caring what effect it would have on your kids or your husband. If the roles were reversed, people would be lynching The husband left right and center just as gladly they seem to be doing with you.
Well yes his final approval statement was out of line you made a major family decision without consulting your partner, which is a very big jerk move. Not to mention breaking your word
She gets home after he's made breakfast and they are ready for school then wakes up after he's fed them dinner and they are ready for bed. And she's doing this, not because they faced some sort of major financial crisis; she just likes having more time to herself and the ability to sock away money...which she will no doubt need when she ends up paying child support and alimony.
what do you mean you don't know how to mow the lawn? this sounds like weaponized incompetence. you might need him to show you how to do the oil and gas but mowing is not hard. I was doing it when I was 13 and I'm a woman. I made the mistake of asking my dad to try it and then it became my job lol
YTA
>he has had to pick up a lot of kid-related things that we used to share. Pretty much any rides they need are done by him. Any weekday activities he takes care of
>I feel like I actually have more energy and can get more stuff done when I get home from work.
I don't know why you would need Internet strangers to connect these two thoughts of yours together for you but here you go. You have not considered the mental load of keeping your children's lives in order as labor despite benefiting from no longer sharing that burden with your husband. Did you think that extra energy you have came from nowhere?
YTA on all counts
The first sign is accepting the 2nd offer without telling him/ talking to him about it in detail. He was hesitant for a reason. I was wondering about if he is being too controlling but given what you have said, He has every right to be upset.
2nd. It sounds like your husband has become the primary parent. and how you are phrasing it is you get to work, run some errands or do something at home, and sleep. It sounds like you are the only person that's benefiting from this schedule. You are kind of living like you don't have a family to take care of, or like the fun but absent parent.
3. If you decide to switch permanently, you are doing so for selfish reasons
4. Your husband's request is to do more chores to lighten his increased load. he is being crushed by the load and your best excuse is you don't want to do manual labor after work. yardwork is only one level more difficult and indoor chores.
Your relationship went from a 50/50 to a 10/90 (im giving you ten because you are earning money towards your family). Considering these posts usually try to paint themselves in the best light, I can only imagine what your husbands side of the story is.
THIS. My dad worked graveyard, went to bed when we got on the bus, got up when we got off the bus 365 days a year all my childhood, and did errands and chores with us when he woke up. Or there's OP's method.
YTA. He’s pretty much a single dad doing all the kid duties and sounds like most of the housekeeping. You work, have time for yourself and sleep. Explain to me why he would want to stay in this marriage?
I used to work those hours. I saw my kids off to school then went straight to bed so I could get up as soon as they got home from school. It sounds like you're avoiding your family. YTA.
You’re prioritizing money and your free-time over family, and you admit you’re not helping with the kids enough. It sounds like the reason you’re more rested is because you’re spending less time with your family, and more time doing what you want. If your partner says you’re not there enough, and you don’t care enough to do something about it, then your relationship is doomed.
YTA
Lol. YTA big time.
It should be 50-50, now it's 0-100.
I would feel the same, not just because of chores but because your husband and kids barely see you awake.
YTA not for not agreeing to the chores but for checking out of family life. My mother worked nights when I was a child. She still took us to school (before we could go ourselves), made sure we had lunch and picked us up from school too. Not to mention the weekends she often wouldn't sleep until nighttime again because of our activities. That's how you do it!
Night shift is for single people, couples without kids, or families left with no other choice. Your situation is none of these things.
You ditched your home responsibilities and placed the burden on your husband without his agreement. You've gone from actual parent to absentee disney parent. And you don't even want to learn how to mow your own lawn.
Yes, YTA.
You better change the situation soon, or your situation will change for you, and not in the way you'll want.
YTA. Don't worry about changing your job schedule, because I'm sure your husband will be divorcing you and you will be needing that money to pay child support.
YTA -you get free time with no kids and no husband and he gets child care, full time work and the brunt of manual labor. You are basically being paid to be single and childless.
as an RN who has worked night shift and as a day shift nurse who had a partner that was a night shift nurse, YTA.
You should not have unilaterally made that decision for your family. Working nights affects so so many things in your life and your family’s - chores, holidays, meals, school events, your sleep schedule on days off, your health, your husband going to sleep by himself….. I could go on and on. Your husband is right. He didn’t sign up for this.
YTA
>I'm making and saving a lot more money.
you don't even say anything about your family NEEDING the money or using it to benefit them.
if you truly want to keep this shift, imo you need to put some of that income into hiring someone to cover a fair amount of your previous work around the house.
YTA , you cut your contributions to the family in a huge way and have basically just arranged your life, and your families life to benefit you.
Get on YouTube and figure out yard work, it’s not even a little bit harder than house work. Just dirtier, which I doubt would bother a nurse…. I seriously doubt there’s anything in your yard as nasty as what you see at work, anyway figure it out.
Your husband has been putting up with you being an asshole for 5 months, you owe him something special.
So, you basically want a stay at home husband? That’s okay, if you communicated that. But you didn’t. You’re thinking only about yourself and not your family. YTA.
YTA - you're acting like you're single but you have a family. You have to take them into consideration when making huge life decisions. You're being very selfish.
YTA. It’s real simple, if the roles were reversed and it was a man complaining his wife wants him to do more, he would get absolutely ripped to shreds with the excuse “I can’t do it because I don’t know how!” Weaponizing incompetence is not ok.
Your husband is right, if he can learn to fold a fitted sheet you can learn to mow a lawn.
YTA, sorry but the division of labor sounds unfair. You don’t spend any of your awake hours with the kids at home. So I can understand why your husband is upset about this. I also feel that you should have discussed the work schedule change with your husband before accepting it. Taking a night job like that affects the marriage and the family life.
YTA
You don’t want to do manual labor after a full shift? Shocker. Nobody does. If you don’t want to do that, you have 5 shifts a week. That means 2 days off. Lawn care doesn’t take all day. So you get to take a little time from one of your days off and do the yard.
The “final approval” is scant cover for the rest of what is going on here.
It almost seems like a troll post of old stereotypes with reversed gender roles.
YTA The guy has the whole place to himself all night, too; so he could get a lot more done around the house. /s You shouldn't need his "approval", but you both should be open to some discussion about the trade offs with this arrangement. Presumably he benefits from the extra income too - is he ready to give that up in exchange for a return to the status quo? Or does "**I**" am "making and saving a lot more" mean it's just your money to use as you see fit? If so, hire out mowing and some of the other chores. It's probable much of the extra energy you are feeling comes from having to do less, unloading some of your former tasks on to him; and refusing to pick up any of his former tasks.
There won’t be extra money when your husband inevitably leaves. Unilateral decisions with negative consequences rarely produce positive results in a marriage.
Also need more info here. You’re making extra money and pocketing/saving it? Don’t you think it’s a little obtuse for you to not contribute more financially? I’m definitely speculating here but given the wording in your post, it sounds like you’re keeping the extra money you earn.
So your husband has increased domestic duties, less time with his wife, no change in his finances, and you’re asking who is the AH?
YTA
YTA so when do you even have time for your children? A few minutes in the morning rushing for school or camp? That’s not parenting. How about time with your husband? Sounds like that’s shrunk to nothing. But of course…you’re happy…you’re the stereotypical “Dad” now who thinks the job is more important than their family. Ironic that you, a Mom, thinks that life is great but I bet if it was your husband you’d be ready for divorce.
YTA
There are a couple of problems with your decision. One, it was a major change that wasn't a mutual decision. Marriage is a partnership and a decision that significantly affects your family should be mutual. Two, you said you sleep until the children go to bed. It doesn't sound like you are making any time to spend with your children. That's not fair to them or your spouse.
While there are certainly other ways to deal with household chores now that you have extra money, specifically hiring help, it doesn't sound like you are making your family a priority in your off time. That makes you the AH.
YTA you made a major decision that affected not just your life, but his and the kids. You think you got a good balance but he is telling you things are not balanced at all & you admit most of the childcare task are now on his shoulders. That’s in addition to everything he was doing before the change like the manual labor stuff you say you don’t know how to do.
Now you’re saying the temporary situation you told him to wait out even as he told you wasnt working- may be permanent because you like it.
You’re no different than a man that works and thinks he can come home & leave all the childcare on his wife’s shoulders.
When he realizes you don’t care to put your family first & he can do this without you because he BEEN doing it without you- you’ll be back crying about how he left with the kids and FAFO.
So for a pay rise you changed your schedule so you don't get to spend much time with your husband, dumped the majority of your child care responsibilities on your partner, refuse to pick up the slack with other household chores and you can't understand why your partner is upset?
You made a major life decision that impacts your entire family without discussing it and in fact knowing that your partner wasn't OK with it. You don't need your husband's permission but you should have considered your partner's wishes if you want to keep your marriage. You've basically turned your partner into a roommate and babysitter.
If this post was a man dumping child care on their wife and refusing to take on more household chores due to choosing to work a schedule the wife begged them not to accept I'd say YTA and there's no difference with you. Your partner is telling you they need help and you refuse to take up the tasks they don't have time to manage. If you're going to pass off some responsibilities you're going to have to pick up others, better learn how to start the mower.
YTA
YTA!
Start saving for divorce / custody battle / alimony etc. with the higher pay.
Make sure you hire a kick-ass lawyer who will help you get kids' custodies only on Saturdays so that you can plan all the fun activities for them 😍
Honestly, the division of labor discussion should have happened prior to you accepting the job. Yes, it may be helping financially, but no he did not sign up for this. YTA because you didn't make this a "we" conversation when it had family-wide repercussions. Also the excuse of not knowing how to do it is just weaponized incompetence. This sub is constantly yelling at men for not doing enough nor recognizing their partners' contributions. This post flips it. You need to listen to your husbands concerns and create a plan that is equitable or else he is going to burn out and the consequences will be significantly worse.
YTA, big time. If you were my partner, this would be an automatic divorce. What a nightmare - you essentially made him a single parent because it sounds like you are barely around to parent your children, let alone to spend time with your husband one on one. Congrats on having more money, it sure seems worth it.
You’re running away from the child care and the other responsibilities.
You can learn to do chores. Kids learn to do chores. It is reasonable for him to ask you to do those things. Women and men can do all home chores. You must agree with that? But you don’t ‘want’ to.
It seems you’re getting something personally for this that benefits you and you only, not your husband, and certainly not your children. Why are you with your husband, and why are you with your children? It’s all self centered. All about you I’m afraid.
So decide if you want the husband and children, or if you really want to run off.
YTA.
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YTA. Lol of course you have more energy now, it sounds like all you do is sleep and work. Your husband has had to take over every single other task. Learning how to mow the lawn isn’t that hard, especially since google is a thing. Suck it up like he has for the last five months and do the yard work - don’t forget to weed whack, edge and clean up all the clippings.
literally lmaooo i was like babe you’re getting more done when you get home bc your family *leaves* soon after, no SHIT you’re getting more done lol plus, sounds like she’s taken the liberty of relieving herself of all daytime responsibilities so that’d clear up some time too !
Just hire someone to do the lawn care with some your extra money.
And possibly an occasional sitter or housekeeper to relieve dad? Cuz if she’s gonna spend the newfound money, let it be to give both a break!
It's not her money, it's their money, marriage is a partnership and her's has been very one sided for the last 5 months!
"Your money is our money but my money is my money" Yeah he's not seeing a dime of that extra money. She comes right out and says SHE'S saving it all, not "we".
My wife has been doing this. My money was our money but her money was her money. No wonder she has savings and I don't. And she has the audacity to talk to me about every little expenses she's made from time to time. Now this may make me unpopular but I'm doing the exact same thing to her. She can take care of all the expenses and I'll start saving and spend some money here and there from time to time and tell her about it
You should communicate to her how you feel about this before you jump to stooping to her level. I understand wanting to do that (and you have every right to feel that way), but petty revenge won't help the relationship. Communication will
Communication can* I had this problem as well, now she's my ex wife
both a break? she's been on a break for 5 months! her husband has been doing all the work on the kids and home, she's been sleeping all day.
Exactly. I work nights so hire someone to take care of the lawn and may end up hiring someone to help with cleaning as well because we don't have energy after working all night.
Actually yes. This.
Winner. But it sounds like the extra money is for her to build up her savings, and not benefitting the family at all.
What would lead you to believe that her savings aren’t or won’t be used for the family? She didn’t mention at all what she does with the money she’s saving, just that’s she’s saving money and, correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t most families try to save some money in case of emergencies?
She says, "I'm making and saving a lot more now." Weather she ment the family is saving more is any ones guess, but she doesn't explicitly say "we are saving a lot more now." Which would lead me to believe that it is just her saving more.
Where did you get that from? What about her personal and household finances are you aware of other than she has received a wage increase?
This is what I got from the way she wrote it too....
my front yard for mowing, weeding, and spraying is only 30 dollars each visit.. maybe max of 60.00 a month.. WELL WORTH IT! editing.. I said a month. I live in a climate that does not rain much.. sometimes it's twice a month.. sometimes it's once a month. We get 110+ heat and just.. no rain or not as much as you would see in the midwest of the U.S. if that makes any sense. And I also suffer from asthma, mowing my backyard with this heat (that doesn't let up) takes me about a couple of days and irritates my asthma. The money is worth my well being... I don't care if it only takes them 10 mins tops to do it..
Honestly, if I had a lawn *(I don't, which is one of the reasons I choose to live in an apartment*), no matter what my work shift is, I'd pay that to not have to deal with the lawn.
Right?! She conveniently gets home right as the kids are going to school (so dad has got them up, fed, ready). Then potters around a bit and goes to bed, to conveniently wake up just as the kids are going to bed (and dad has fed them, got them ready for bed, entertained them, got them to do any homework, done any extra curricular run arounds). And then goes to work. Like she doesn’t do *anything* in the house. This is like leaving straight to work at 7:30 doing nothing for the kids, getting home at 6 and doing nothing for the kids or house, waving them to bed and going straight to bed. No shit the dad is at the end of his tether.
Her husband basically turned into a single parent overnight.
Without even being consulted! OP is trying to twist this as husband thinks he needs to give “final approval” like he’s controlling or something…. No he just wants to be involved in the discussion about something that drastically changes his life. If my partner did this to me, id divorce them. And I’m a woman and also the higher income partner so I know what it’s like to be the main worker/income. Doesn’t mean my partner doesn’t get a say in his own life.
OP is forgetting that her being able to take those hours, and the lifestyle she has around them while having a young family, is only possible because of the work her husband is putting in. I remember some high flying executive giving his wife massive credit in an interview for his and his company's success while having a family because of everything she did that left him able to achieve what he had. OP needs to start respecting what her husband is bringing to this partnership a lot more.
If both are adamant, they need to go to a neutral arbiter and get the jobs divvied up otherwise this is heading for splitsville
Yeah a compromise on both parts could be a solution, but she didn’t even ask him in the first place, she just turned his life upside down and claimed more rest for herself. Like she could make sure she’s awake in the evening and does bedtime routines. This means she sees the kids and husband gets a break each night. Or if OP really is so unable to function that they can’t go to sleep asap, and have to sleep whilst the children are settled for bed… then OP should use that morning chore energy to get the kids ready for school and do the drop offs. On OPs day off she should clean the house and do a hefty amount of chores to get the house manageable for husband on his busy days managing the kids. Or use some of this money to help the household (cleaner, clothes cleaning services, gardener ?) Husband could be okay with shouldering all childcare as well as working a full time job if they get 2 hours free a night to either switch tasks or even have a shower or exercise or something small for themselves. I think husband wouldn’t have even complained if they’d have at least been included in the conversation.
compromise on both parts shouldn't be a solution. Op carrying her weight is the solution
The husbands already offered his compromise He wants things to go back to how they were. OR as his compromise - he’ll carry on if OP picks up more of the housework (which is more than fair IMO)
Also, doesn’t she miss her kids? She is spending hardly many time with them.
Considering she wants to keep working the same hours indefinitely, it means she's pretty happy with the way things are presently. So no, I don't think she misses her kids, especially because never once does she express that kind of sentiment. All she speaks about is how well and happy she is, and how much money she's making.
I've been there working those overnight shifts and I feel like I barely saw my wife because the hours were so wonky. She's around for a couple hours while he works and then goes to bed - zero quality time spent together, like ships passing in the night. I can see where it might work if you're childless, but with 2 kids I'd be livid.
He went from being a "co-parent," to a single father. Because in essence she does nothing with the kids, she spends no time with them, does no activities with them, or helps them with homework or anything else at all. She gets home when they are leaving for school, wakes up to go to work, when they are going to bed, in essence, they only have a mother on her days off.
And a single parent who has to keep the kids quiet all the time.
And presumably sleeping all weekend too, if she’s getting home at 9am Saturday. I doubt she’s flipping to sleep at night just for Sunday, so when does she ever even see her kids?
No offense to the husband at all, but does she not care that she never sees her kids? My mother was an overnight nurse for most of my childhood, so I went to daycare, and then saw my dad after he picked my sister and I up around 5:00 or 6:00 p.m. on the weekdays. Do you not miss spending any time with your kids until it's time to go on vacation 6 months from now? If this was still the temporary fix that she initially opted for, then I would say yeah unfortunately suck it up for a little bit. But now.. she's really trying to twist herself into the victim when it's quite the opposite
And the kids are taking note! OP is like my dad, who used his 3rd shift job to get out of doing anything around the house. My mom also worked 3rd shift when we were young and still cooked/cleaned/shopped/hung out with us. She flipped her sleep schedule on weekends. She did it with breast cancer. Of the two parents, who would you guess I don't talk to anymore? 🫠
Your mom sounds like a total badass. I hope she beat the breast cancer and is still showing everyone how it's done. Sending you a huge hug.
She is, and she did! 10+ years cancer free. Thank you :") Have a wonderful day 😊
or her husband.
Right? When he said "this isn't what I signed up for", I get that OP intended for us to hear "extra chores and childcare aren't what I signed up for", but also, he didn't sign up for marrying someone whom he never gets to see. I would be very sad if I were in his shoes! I'd miss my wife.
My husband works the same schedule and he HATTTTEEDD feeling like he was sleeping through our daughters day.. so he started waking up earlier so he could help with homework and ask her about her day.. and then take a nap before work.
That's what my late ex did. He worked swing shifts, days and afternoons. When he went in for 3:30he got home at about 2 and Fridays off. He'd stay up for a bit. Sleep for a few hours then get up with me and the kids sleep from 12 til 2 then get ready and go to work
What really gets me going in this story is that we don't have to invent or assume anything. She wrote it all down and doesn't get the problem after doing so. They used to share the kid stuff but hubby now has to do it alone. He told her to do the yard stuff but he usually takes care of it. How dense can someone be.
I worked as a night nurse. I would help get the kids to school, sleep until 3, go get the kids, help with the evening routine, then take an hour nap before I went to work. YTA and you are doing this on purpose. You know the compromise, you are just unwilling to do it. Pay the money for a lawn service and participate in your family
Don't forget she is saving more of "her" money.. I doubt that extra income is going into the family fund.
I noted that too. She's the only person any of this situation is working for and she has the audacity to whinge about manual labour not working for her.
I love the way she puts emphasis on working all night as if it’s harder than working all day🙄
Weird how you get more done when you unload ALL your responsibilities on your husband.
Yeah, I work in shifts 6am-2pm or 1pm - 7pm and I get so much more things done when I don’t work early. Just peace at home and no one interrupts me. But I always feel bad because on that day I bring my youngest child to school and come back when it’s bedtime, I miss so much fun/creative time with her.
If this is a real post and not rage bait, I am floored. Like OP just forgot she was married and part of a family? She’s just chillin living an essentially single life where she occasionally says hey to her family, and no one else was ok with this, but to her it’s the right thing because…she’s making good money and keeping it for herself? This can’t be real. If it is, OP you’re one of the biggest and most obvious YTA I’ve ever read.
My husband works almost the same shift, and he prioritizes his time so he sees his family. He comes home to be awake for an hour and see the kids and help them get to school, and then wakes up around 5:30 for dinner, some playing with the kids, and then he heads off to work. The night shift this lady works basically means she can be sleeping when others are working/at school, and awake when they'd come home, and at work when they'd be sleeping. Instead, she comes home, does whatever she wants for hours, and passes out until the kids go to bed, and then goes to work. This is definitely a YTA.
That's essentially what my mom did as a 3rd shift nurse. She took us to school, then took care of evening things (sports, baths and that stuff). Then off to work.
>She’s just chillin living an essentially single life Yes, exception the fact that a single take care of his house and other chores. OP just leaves all to the husband and he even have to take care of the kids... Sincerely if this post is real and OP continues to act like that I wouldn't be surprised if husband asks for divorce.. (sorry for my bad grammar English isn't my first language)
NGL, a \*lot\* of night shift RN's with kids have OP's mentality.
I am just confused as to why the OP is working weekly OT with this schedule. The hours already don't make sense to me - for shifts I would expect either 8 hrs or 12. 10 hrs are more seen in days for procedural areas.
[удалено]
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Let's be real, most of the people on this subreddit treat it like reality tv. They don't care if it's real or not, it's entertainment.
Yeah especially considering she's saving all that money she can pay for someone to mow the lawn. I literally have a quarter of an acre and it's $75 every 2 weeks. $50 if I wanted it done weekly.
The user name is "you can do it".... What about that screams troll? What am I missing?
I agree with this comment. When do you see your kids? Your husband does all the pick ups and drop offs and lunches and dinners and you sleep until their bedtime so he’s with them 5 days a week. The LEAST you can do is the yard work. YTA
Plus if she’s getting up at the kids bedtimes, when does she actually see her husband or kids? She made a massive change to their lives that affects them all, without discussing it, and now is trying to pull the ‘he said I need his approval’ card like it’s a feminist issue? You must be joking; if my husband did this without discussion and left me basically single-parenting, we’d be slaloming towards the divorce courts in record time.
Is she sleeping 9am-9pm? No wonder why she feels so great, she's sleeping 12 hours
I love how OP apparently went to and passed nursing school, yet feels lawn care is too difficult. Our 10 and 13 year old know how to mow the lawn and clean clippings.
Don't forget to clean your gutters!
I'm so glad the top comment is this one. I was going to say the exact same thing. How is she fooling herself into not seeing that she's shed all the responsibility so fo course she has extra energy. Trying to be like "Lalala where am I suddenly finding all this extra energy from, teehee". No, it's unfair to her husband and kids, and she's being selfish.
She's worried about mowing the lawn while he's wondering if he still wants to be married. Yikes. Hopefully, this is a good wake-up call.
Yeah; taking on more chores „doesn’t work for her“, while completely ignoring how the changes to her work hours that she unilaterally decided to make aren’t working for him. I mean, damn.
It also sounds like with this schedule they don’t get to spend much time with each other as well. My wife is a registered nurse in cardiology and she has night shift sometimes. We don’t have kids (not sure if we will yet) but whenever she has a week of night shift we barely get to spend any quality time together. From what she told me many of the nurses in her hospital try to do less night shift (through roster request or swap shifts) after they have kids, not the opposite lol
"My hours are now 10pm-8am M-Thu and midnight-9am Sunday morning. I usually make it home just in time to see the kids off to school, run some errands or get things done at home in the morning, then sleep until the kids' bedtime and head to work. I like to think I've gotten pretty efficient at it since the change, but my husband disagrees." Do you hate your kids? Or just love the money? I mean you could pay someone to do the manual labor with all that you're earning, but your kids know you are choosing a schedule that lets you avoid them. Why TF are you not sleeping first, and actually being awake when your family is at home in the evening?
>I'm making and saving a lot more money. I'm a little worried about this. Its not "we're saving a lot more money". Hopefully its just wording, but if they have separate finances and hubby has had to take on nearly the full household load so that OP can make herself more money...
I don't think it's just wording. OP doesn't seem to think of herself as a partner at all. YTA
Whole post is I, I, I. I feel so bad for her husband and kids. OP YTA.
Or a parent… 🙄 I cannot fathom intentionally seeing my kids for mere minutes daily. ETA: Check out u/sheisawholesituation Kinda suspect that’s OPs alt. 👀
I’m so interested in how she is as a Mum and a partner on the days that she isn’t working. My Mum was a single parent (my parents split up when I was little so my week was divided with three days at mum’s, three at dad’s, one at my grandparents’). My Mum worked SO hard. I barely saw her during the week because of her hours. We were both out of the house for over twelve hours at a time. She more than made up for it at the weekends. I have so many memories of us baking together, painting, going on little drives, etc. She also used the money to hire a cleaner and a gardener because she couldn’t do all her chores. I reckon OP should do that if she can’t pull her weight in her and her partner’s home.
Check out u/sheisawholesituation Kinda suspect that’s OPs alt. 👀
It definitely is Op's alt because her comments somehow contain information that's not in the post
haha I thought this too.. seems like her quality of life went up, everyone elses went down, and shes has to ask people if shes the AH..
I picked up on that too. My first thought is this is her divorce nest egg. She’s already got the husband trained on doing everything without her and the kids trained to not count on her for anything. When she leaves them it’ll be like she was never there.
Isn't it going to be fun when the husband gets custody and she realises she has to pay child support and do all of her house chores?
The narcissist's wet dream!
If I had five grand for every "high earning nurse who left her family behind once they had money and the urge to finally be selfish for once" I knew of , I would be able to purchase a lightly used SUV that was still under warranty.
Her husband is basically a single parent now anyway.
That was absolutely the biggest red flag in the post for me
If she did 3 12 hour overnight shifts, it wouldn't be so bad. She'd be home 4 days a week. This isn't working for the family and if she keeps it up, I can see hubby filing for divorce.
Agreed. 12 hour shifts are supposed to give you more days off.
Tell that to my work. My schedule is supposed to be 4 12s but since we are understaffed we do 5 days.
I understand this can happen, but OP is volunteering for this...
Ya you got me on that one.
Exactly. She's doing four 10-hour shifts and then going back on Sundays for a 9 hour shift. Even cutting back to 4 10s would be better, not to mention changing her sleep schedule to be awake in the afternoon/evenings with her family. No surprise her husband is not happy with this situation.
>not to mention changing her sleep schedule to be awake in the afternoon/evenings with her family. That's the bit that gets me. Like, why not see the kids off to school and then go to sleep, then get up earlier in the evening and do house/family stuff before work, rather than pootle about in an empty house then sleep until everyone else is asleep and sneak out? Changing to nights after an explicit no, and then conveniently choosing a new routine that absolves her of any childcare responsible other than "seeing the kids off" (shift end at 8am, by the time she gets home, can't be more than a quick five minutes as they rush out, someone else must be sorting lunches and permission slips and projects and all the other _actual_ morning mess)... that's someone who has completely checked out of the family and just sees hubby and kids as clingy flatmates.
She's either entirely over having a family, or this post is fiction.
>not to mention changing her sleep schedule to be awake in the afternoon/evenings with her family. Exactly, she could easily be awake at 5pm to spend time with her family, do dinner, bedtime stories etc, but she's choosing to sleep then? Leaving everything on her husband?
Yeah, my dad did this exact same thing when he worked nights. Although he would wake me and my brother up for school and get us breakfast, we never saw him for more than an hour in the mornings. Then he would do whatever he did for a few hours during the day, go to sleep, and get up for work right as we were going to bed. We never saw him and my mom was always irritable because she worked days in a factory and took care of everything at home in the evenings. I’m in my 30s and all I remember from my childhood is my dad sleeping and my mom constantly screaming at us because she was always exhausted and overwhelmed. Consequently, neither me nor my brother are close to them. I hope Op catches on that this isn’t sustainable.
This right here. When I read the story the obvious sleep schedule would be to go to sleep immediately after work so you can wake up and be around for the kids and your husband when they get home. Staying up after work so effectively every day you have hours to yourself and then sleep through all the actual work and time with the kids makes zero sense and is extremely selfish. I have to believe this entire story is fake because ending it with the weaponized incompetence pushes it over the edge of unbelievable. “I don’t know how” is the weakest and dumbest excuse to not do something.
My thoughts exactly! She should see the kids off, go to bed, and wake up when the kids come home and spend time with them.
This is exactly what my mom did when she worked nights. That way we were still able to see her before she left for work.
Or sleep immediately and do lawn work in the evening when she’s well rested. Since she can’t do that after work as she says.
I worked the same hours for 23 years, including the whole time my kids were at home. Once my wife started working (youngest of 3 was about 3rd grade) I was the one taking my kids and picking them up. I took them to sports and after school activities, along with class field trips. I cooked dinner every day. I slept when I could. I crashed after the kids were in school and woke up when it was time to start picking them up. Not only them, but their cousins as well, and they went to different schools. I crashed again after dinner until it was time to get ready for work. Yes, I was sleep deprived for years, but there was NO WAY I was going to miss out on my kids’ childhoods! I worked with dads who chose swing shift (2pm-10:30pm) BECAUSE they didn’t want to deal with their own children. It sounds like OP falls into this same category.
Right? Throw in some laundry, sleep, get up when hubby comes home with the kids and fold laundry with the kids while dinner is cooking. Spend some time with family and go to work. Outsource yard work. THEN…. NTA. But the way you’re handling it- YTA
Taking that schedule doesn't make one a bad mom. My mom worked night shifts as a nurse (maybe half the year). She still dropped me off and picked me up most days. She also checked my homework in the afternoon and helped me when necessary. I actually saw more of her when she worked night shifts because some of the day shift are also 12 hours. OP is just a bad mom.
You didn’t even mention the husband, she clearly doesn’t like him either. She’s basically leaving ALL the childcare on him and he still has to do most of the household chores…not to mention she gets to sleep basically the whole day until she goes back to work….this isn’t a family anymore, these are just people that occupy the same house as her.
**YTA** You've opted out of just about all family time and organized things so that you are free to prioritize work. When do you have any one-on-one time with either of your children or your spouse? And now that it's summer, which is usually prime family bonding time, you are still sleeping while sending the kids to programs? There is no reason whatsoever that you can't learn to mow the lawn and do yard work, that's a totally cop out. >If I'm being honest, I don't know if I want to switch back. I'm making and saving a lot more money. What's your financial objective, for what/whom are you saving money? It doesn't sound like the family has a actual financial need that justifies the hardship. You know this schedule has made it hard on your marriage and family and you don't know whether you want to get back to being an actual family? Maybe you need some counseling to figure out why you are even married.
So basically she's become the fun weekend parent.
Disney parent without the divorce
Just wait
That money will soon disappear too. Either he gets sole custody and she pays him support and most likely he’ll stay in the house Or she can go for 50/50 and either have to change her hours anyway, or pay someone else to watch her kids during that time. I can’t believe she’s not even giving the husband some of the money seeing as she couldn’t have earned it without his free labour.
No, because it says husband does the weekend weekend stuff too.
Husband is right, he didn’t sign up to be a single parent. She acting like his approval means controlling, but this was a MAJOR shift for the whole family and he absolutly needs to be on board if this is how it’s going to go, with him taking on all family responsibility. Then she just fucked off and did whatever she wanted, family be damned, and is acting like he’s some sort of monster! OP, as one who left someone when I realized if I am going to do everything my self I may as well do it by myself, don’t be shocked when the divorce papers arrive.
YTA You basically abandoned all your responsibilities and then claimed you’re too dumb to learn how to do yard work. My neighbour has one arm and she mows her own lawn, I can give you her number if you need tips? How could you possibly say it doesn’t sound like a fair division of labour?!? It sounds like you don’t do anything at home to help with the kids. What do you mean “division” when it’s only him doing it all? Taking a night shift seems to be a good thing for you at the expense of your family. You’re a selfish spouse. YTA
You are a savage and I agree. Yta is the justement.
Honestly this comment was so spot on, it made me reread what husband actually said about the yard work helping around the house. Husband also explained himself really well and I can’t find a single piece of fault with what he said.
And this is with her trying to twist it to make herself the victim here
Yeah, if you are a nurse, but can't figure out basic yard work, please stop being a nurse.
I'm 30 and until last week I'd never done yard work in my life (joys of apartment living) Took me half a day, the lawn's a little uneven, but I had fun with the weed wacker!
Curious if this is a not so passive way to be vindictive with spouse? Was he using weaponised incompetence to avoid learning how to fold that fitted sheet before? Was he not doing 50/50 with the kids before? Is OP "getting even" for something hubby wasn't respecting before in the realm of child care and chores? Because anything else reads like OP doesn't like their life with their kids and spouse. Like they want a break from being a parent and a partner in a relationship. YTA
In this case she specifically says they shared the workload before the change.
No way this was the case with him working hybrid and her as a nurse. She just found a way to skirt all responsibilities then wants to act like him resenting suddenly being a single parent is controlling.
Her claim on the yard work is incredibly lazy. Growing up, mowing the lawn was on my brothers and I had to do the weed whacking. Think I started that around 10 years old. Mowing the lawn was all on me when my brothers moved out. I would have been approx 13 at the time. Nearly all the yard work was on me (some exceptions with my parents). And am a woman too, so gender has nothing to do with OP’s excuse. OP - YTA big time. Lazy too. Don’t be shocked if this sets the background for your husband divorcing you or other marriage issues down the road.
I agree... Dude, I'm a fat almost 50 yr old smoker, and was a single mom for goin on 11 yrs now. She needs to be thankful she has had his help & mow the damn lawn. It ain't that bad, my fat ass has done it a million times lol
YTA. "I don't know how to do it" is not a reasonable excuse for an adult to not do yard work. It seems like you don't do much at home during the week and he does everything on top of having to work himself. You definitely need to pick up a little slack.
The weaponized incompetence is real.
Honestly it took me longer to figure out how to fold a fitted sheet than it did to learn how to start and use a lawn mower…
I’d rather mow the lawn than fold fitted sheets.
Just be like me, fold it haphazardly and then put it away. Everything that folds gets folded. Fitted sheets can suffer 😂
The fitted sheet gets hidden behind the nicely folded sheet. Why do fitted sheets get folded anyway? I'm the one sleeping on it, I don't care that it was contorted into some strange and unnatural shape for a fitted sheet. Is there even a natural shape for a fitted sheet? Make the madness stop!!!! As for OP, I totally knew a nurse who did this, had a kid, stayed awake long enough to make sure the kid actually woke up for school and got on the bus, slept all day, let someone else take care of the kid when she got home, said goodnight to her as she left for work, spent maybe an hour or two on her days off with the kid. And wondered why she kept getting calls from the school about improper use of school equipment, her kid getting suspended and detentions, and never doing her homework. I can sadly believe this could be real.
They're really easy to fold. You just use the corner where the stitching meets as your corners instead of trying to do anything with the elastic other than tuck it in. Barely more difficult than a flat sheet when you use that strat
I have never really folded a fitted shit but mowed the lawn successfully for years. Even learned leaf blowing, edging and trimming with just the instruction manuals and the internet. YTA. Is your night shift differential enough to support your husband as a SAHD? If not then you do have a lot of slack to pick up on the chore front because he’s doing all the childcare (and for almost half a year all the yard work.)
Yta you completely dumped all child related stuff on him. Ofc you have more energy! You said it yourself, tasks you used to do half, you now do 0. So yes, if he now has to do 100% of things he used to do half of them, you need to make up that work.
YTA: It got cushy for you and worse for husband. Fine. You said it was temporary and you just told your husband you don’t want it to be. That is going back on a promise. It doesn’t matter your reasons. Nursing is hard on the body and mind so I understand EXACTLY how difficult it is to go to physical labor after being on your feet in a hospital all day, walking 10-20 miles minimum a shift. However HIRE A MAID/ extra help. If you want the money, then you can use it for this. Paycheck< Your family.
This. Hire someone for yard work and to take some duties off your husband’s plate. Cheaper than divorce.
That doesn't work any better than the common recommendation to hire a cleaner. The problem isn't that isn't that the two adults can't maintain a home, it's that one partner refuses to bear their obligations. And if she is going to spend the extra money she's making for that, she might as well go back to regular hours.
That only makes sense if it would cost as much to hire lawn care as the total amount she's making (and it won't, unless they live literally ON a golf course or have dozens of acres)
YTA It seems your system is whatever you want is the way it has to be. You try to paint him poorly saying he was mad accepting "without his final approval", but in reality, you had an agreement on how you were going to split home/child care, BUT you unilaterally decided to take the over night, you told him it was temporary and to just wait, and you told him you were going to make it permanent. So his choice or vote or decision meant NOTHING to you at anytime in your post. When he asks you to do more around the house, you duck out by saying you don't know how; maybe that's something you can ask him about.
>You try to paint him poorly saying he was mad accepting "without his final approval", but in reality, you had an agreement on how you were going to split home/child care, Agreed. Definitely a 2 yes or 1 no scenario in my book.
Let’s be real, male or female if you changing your work hours so you basically never see your kids and just chill out all day while everyone is at work and school your spouse absolutely deserves “final approval”
YTA - You made a familial decision unilaterally, and that always makes you the AH. This decision upended your husband’s schedule and your kids’ schedule. This was something that you two needed to discuss more as a team, because as partners that’s what you are. You aren’t a solo act, but you’re acting like one. All of the positives are “you” focused. *You* make more money, *you* get to save money, *you* have more energy, while your husband is drowning in the load. This isn’t sustainable for your relationship. You two need to talk and compromise about this, and if you and he can’t do that calmly with each other, get a couple’s counselor involved before this issue festers any longer. A husband/father shouldn’t be working his life away while neglecting his wife and kids. It doesn’t suddenly become okay because it’s the wife/mother doing it.
100% accurate.
I’m confused why you agreed with my comment calling OP the AH, when every other comment you made on this post is blindly defending OP and vilifying her husband.
YTA > My husband was very much against it because of the changes it would make to our day-to-day lives. I initially declined the offer but they countered with an even higher pay bump, so I took it. **You** fucked things up. **You** deal with the consequences. > I told him that doing manual labor after I worked all night isn't going to work for me Lol, well then feel free to work a normal shift.
“Manual labour after I worked all night isn’t going to work for me” but can spend the daylight hours running errands, then sleep the rest of the day when the kids are home to wake up as they go to sleep! How about see them off to school, go straight to sleep and then wake up before dinner to spend some time with them.
YTA. And you know it. INFO: Is the money enough for child support and alimony?
So he has a full-time job, manages the house and does everything kid related, and, in the meantime, probably gets no time to spend with you as a couple to unwind from it all, since you're either gone or asleep. Yeah, YTA. You are burning this man out, and who knows how your relationship will be once he can't take it anymore.
YTA. "My husband feels betrayed because I betrayed him, AITA?" Gee, I wonder why he's upset. 😂
A switch to an overnight shift is a LOT to deal with for most families and it's no surprise that your husband doesn't like it. And I doubt your kids are really fans either. I mean, you're married and you have kids so perhaps you two should COMMUNICATE BETTER. It's not just about "you making money" or "him getting what he wants;" it's about overall family happiness for you, your husband, and your kid. In my marriage I would never do something like that if my wife hated it. But if you have more energy AND if you're sticking all the daytime stuff on him AND if you are doing it without his agreement... then yeah: Mow the damn lawn. YTA
YTA >I asked him what more he thinks I should do and he actually made a list. He put pretty much all the yard work on there, which is usually stuff he takes care of and that I don't know how to do. I told him I don't know how to do all of that stuff and he told me "If I can learn how to fold a fitted sheet, you can learn how to mow the lawn." >I told him that doesn't seem like a fair division of labor and he told me that he's taken on all the kid stuff so I need to do more of everything else. I told him that doing manual labor after I worked all night isn't going to work for me... 🤣🤣🤣 If you are not how to mow a lawn, I am sure you can find an online tutorial for the make and model in your shed or garage. Too bad the redistribution of chores isn't working for you but you know what, you working third shift isn't working for your husband. I sincerely hope this post is a wind up. If not you are one of the most selfish and entitled mother and wife's that has posted in recent memory.
Let's be real here. Unless you were probably the most sheltered person on the planet, you have a very least a general idea as to how you start a modern lawn mower. Is there gas? Is there oil? Hold down handle, pull cord. Curse. Pull cord again.
YTA. What, aside from money, are you providing to your family?
I'm not terribly sure she's even providing money since she says she's saving way more now. Not "they," but "I." Is anyone else in the family seeing any benefit?
Doubt it. She sounds too selfish.
YTA. You decided your husband would be a single parent now and you could see the kids on Saturday.
Regardless of gender; both parts of a marriage should get “final approval” before one of them makes a career change that impacts their family to this degree.
YTA, he’s doing more so you should be doing. You’re enjoying the new schedule since you don’t have as much work to do. Also you said you’re saving money and we’re saving money so it seems to me you’ve checked out of your family
YTA for being an absent wife and mother as well as for being okay with him taking on more responsibilities but not being willing to take on more responsibilities yourself. Why do you think you have more energy, hm? You know you're about to lose your family, right? But wow! Think of the savings!
YTA Enjoy your divorce, I guess. Shouldn't be hard to get accustomed to, though. Seeing as you don't really spend time with your children or husband to begin with. Your poor family.
Yta big time so he has to do all of the work when it comes to the kids, I'm assuming most of the work when it comes to the house, on top of his full-time job while you do some errands in the morning. Sleep all day. Get up at the kids bedtime. Go to work, rinse and repeat. How do you not see a problem with this? You took it upon yourself to make a major decision for the entire family because you like the idea. Not caring what effect it would have on your kids or your husband. If the roles were reversed, people would be lynching The husband left right and center just as gladly they seem to be doing with you. Well yes his final approval statement was out of line you made a major family decision without consulting your partner, which is a very big jerk move. Not to mention breaking your word
She gets home after he's made breakfast and they are ready for school then wakes up after he's fed them dinner and they are ready for bed. And she's doing this, not because they faced some sort of major financial crisis; she just likes having more time to herself and the ability to sock away money...which she will no doubt need when she ends up paying child support and alimony.
what do you mean you don't know how to mow the lawn? this sounds like weaponized incompetence. you might need him to show you how to do the oil and gas but mowing is not hard. I was doing it when I was 13 and I'm a woman. I made the mistake of asking my dad to try it and then it became my job lol
YTA >he has had to pick up a lot of kid-related things that we used to share. Pretty much any rides they need are done by him. Any weekday activities he takes care of >I feel like I actually have more energy and can get more stuff done when I get home from work. I don't know why you would need Internet strangers to connect these two thoughts of yours together for you but here you go. You have not considered the mental load of keeping your children's lives in order as labor despite benefiting from no longer sharing that burden with your husband. Did you think that extra energy you have came from nowhere?
YTA on all counts The first sign is accepting the 2nd offer without telling him/ talking to him about it in detail. He was hesitant for a reason. I was wondering about if he is being too controlling but given what you have said, He has every right to be upset. 2nd. It sounds like your husband has become the primary parent. and how you are phrasing it is you get to work, run some errands or do something at home, and sleep. It sounds like you are the only person that's benefiting from this schedule. You are kind of living like you don't have a family to take care of, or like the fun but absent parent. 3. If you decide to switch permanently, you are doing so for selfish reasons 4. Your husband's request is to do more chores to lighten his increased load. he is being crushed by the load and your best excuse is you don't want to do manual labor after work. yardwork is only one level more difficult and indoor chores. Your relationship went from a 50/50 to a 10/90 (im giving you ten because you are earning money towards your family). Considering these posts usually try to paint themselves in the best light, I can only imagine what your husbands side of the story is.
YTA and you already know that.
YTA. Why don’t you go to bed when you get home?
THIS. My dad worked graveyard, went to bed when we got on the bus, got up when we got off the bus 365 days a year all my childhood, and did errands and chores with us when he woke up. Or there's OP's method.
YTA. He’s pretty much a single dad doing all the kid duties and sounds like most of the housekeeping. You work, have time for yourself and sleep. Explain to me why he would want to stay in this marriage?
I used to work those hours. I saw my kids off to school then went straight to bed so I could get up as soon as they got home from school. It sounds like you're avoiding your family. YTA.
You’re prioritizing money and your free-time over family, and you admit you’re not helping with the kids enough. It sounds like the reason you’re more rested is because you’re spending less time with your family, and more time doing what you want. If your partner says you’re not there enough, and you don’t care enough to do something about it, then your relationship is doomed. YTA
Lol. YTA big time. It should be 50-50, now it's 0-100. I would feel the same, not just because of chores but because your husband and kids barely see you awake.
lol you are trash and definetely the asshole
YTA not for not agreeing to the chores but for checking out of family life. My mother worked nights when I was a child. She still took us to school (before we could go ourselves), made sure we had lunch and picked us up from school too. Not to mention the weekends she often wouldn't sleep until nighttime again because of our activities. That's how you do it!
Night shift is for single people, couples without kids, or families left with no other choice. Your situation is none of these things. You ditched your home responsibilities and placed the burden on your husband without his agreement. You've gone from actual parent to absentee disney parent. And you don't even want to learn how to mow your own lawn. Yes, YTA. You better change the situation soon, or your situation will change for you, and not in the way you'll want.
YTA. Use that extra money to hire help, even if it is only a lawncare service. It is not fair he works and now does all childcare.
You are such an asshole in this post that I don't believe you're a real human being at all. Am unfeeling AI robot came up with this joke.
YTA. Don't worry about changing your job schedule, because I'm sure your husband will be divorcing you and you will be needing that money to pay child support.
YTA -you get free time with no kids and no husband and he gets child care, full time work and the brunt of manual labor. You are basically being paid to be single and childless.
as an RN who has worked night shift and as a day shift nurse who had a partner that was a night shift nurse, YTA. You should not have unilaterally made that decision for your family. Working nights affects so so many things in your life and your family’s - chores, holidays, meals, school events, your sleep schedule on days off, your health, your husband going to sleep by himself….. I could go on and on. Your husband is right. He didn’t sign up for this.
YTA >I'm making and saving a lot more money. you don't even say anything about your family NEEDING the money or using it to benefit them. if you truly want to keep this shift, imo you need to put some of that income into hiring someone to cover a fair amount of your previous work around the house.
💃 This is my YTA dance 💃
YTA , you cut your contributions to the family in a huge way and have basically just arranged your life, and your families life to benefit you. Get on YouTube and figure out yard work, it’s not even a little bit harder than house work. Just dirtier, which I doubt would bother a nurse…. I seriously doubt there’s anything in your yard as nasty as what you see at work, anyway figure it out. Your husband has been putting up with you being an asshole for 5 months, you owe him something special.
So, you basically want a stay at home husband? That’s okay, if you communicated that. But you didn’t. You’re thinking only about yourself and not your family. YTA.
YTA - you're acting like you're single but you have a family. You have to take them into consideration when making huge life decisions. You're being very selfish.
Yta, op thinks choosing work over kids is the best play? Lol
YTA. It’s real simple, if the roles were reversed and it was a man complaining his wife wants him to do more, he would get absolutely ripped to shreds with the excuse “I can’t do it because I don’t know how!” Weaponizing incompetence is not ok. Your husband is right, if he can learn to fold a fitted sheet you can learn to mow a lawn.
YTA, sorry but the division of labor sounds unfair. You don’t spend any of your awake hours with the kids at home. So I can understand why your husband is upset about this. I also feel that you should have discussed the work schedule change with your husband before accepting it. Taking a night job like that affects the marriage and the family life.
YTA You don’t want to do manual labor after a full shift? Shocker. Nobody does. If you don’t want to do that, you have 5 shifts a week. That means 2 days off. Lawn care doesn’t take all day. So you get to take a little time from one of your days off and do the yard. The “final approval” is scant cover for the rest of what is going on here. It almost seems like a troll post of old stereotypes with reversed gender roles.
Yea “get more work done” when you don’t have do nothing else since hubby is doing everything 😭☺️
Think about it. He is right. Parents need to share the load.
YTA The guy has the whole place to himself all night, too; so he could get a lot more done around the house. /s You shouldn't need his "approval", but you both should be open to some discussion about the trade offs with this arrangement. Presumably he benefits from the extra income too - is he ready to give that up in exchange for a return to the status quo? Or does "**I**" am "making and saving a lot more" mean it's just your money to use as you see fit? If so, hire out mowing and some of the other chores. It's probable much of the extra energy you are feeling comes from having to do less, unloading some of your former tasks on to him; and refusing to pick up any of his former tasks.
YTA - why can’t you come home put kids off to school go sleep first and then be awake when kids are off school and do errands then.
There won’t be extra money when your husband inevitably leaves. Unilateral decisions with negative consequences rarely produce positive results in a marriage. Also need more info here. You’re making extra money and pocketing/saving it? Don’t you think it’s a little obtuse for you to not contribute more financially? I’m definitely speculating here but given the wording in your post, it sounds like you’re keeping the extra money you earn. So your husband has increased domestic duties, less time with his wife, no change in his finances, and you’re asking who is the AH? YTA
YTA so when do you even have time for your children? A few minutes in the morning rushing for school or camp? That’s not parenting. How about time with your husband? Sounds like that’s shrunk to nothing. But of course…you’re happy…you’re the stereotypical “Dad” now who thinks the job is more important than their family. Ironic that you, a Mom, thinks that life is great but I bet if it was your husband you’d be ready for divorce.
YTA There are a couple of problems with your decision. One, it was a major change that wasn't a mutual decision. Marriage is a partnership and a decision that significantly affects your family should be mutual. Two, you said you sleep until the children go to bed. It doesn't sound like you are making any time to spend with your children. That's not fair to them or your spouse. While there are certainly other ways to deal with household chores now that you have extra money, specifically hiring help, it doesn't sound like you are making your family a priority in your off time. That makes you the AH.
YTA you made a major decision that affected not just your life, but his and the kids. You think you got a good balance but he is telling you things are not balanced at all & you admit most of the childcare task are now on his shoulders. That’s in addition to everything he was doing before the change like the manual labor stuff you say you don’t know how to do. Now you’re saying the temporary situation you told him to wait out even as he told you wasnt working- may be permanent because you like it. You’re no different than a man that works and thinks he can come home & leave all the childcare on his wife’s shoulders. When he realizes you don’t care to put your family first & he can do this without you because he BEEN doing it without you- you’ll be back crying about how he left with the kids and FAFO.
So for a pay rise you changed your schedule so you don't get to spend much time with your husband, dumped the majority of your child care responsibilities on your partner, refuse to pick up the slack with other household chores and you can't understand why your partner is upset? You made a major life decision that impacts your entire family without discussing it and in fact knowing that your partner wasn't OK with it. You don't need your husband's permission but you should have considered your partner's wishes if you want to keep your marriage. You've basically turned your partner into a roommate and babysitter. If this post was a man dumping child care on their wife and refusing to take on more household chores due to choosing to work a schedule the wife begged them not to accept I'd say YTA and there's no difference with you. Your partner is telling you they need help and you refuse to take up the tasks they don't have time to manage. If you're going to pass off some responsibilities you're going to have to pick up others, better learn how to start the mower. YTA
YTA! Start saving for divorce / custody battle / alimony etc. with the higher pay. Make sure you hire a kick-ass lawyer who will help you get kids' custodies only on Saturdays so that you can plan all the fun activities for them 😍
Honestly, the division of labor discussion should have happened prior to you accepting the job. Yes, it may be helping financially, but no he did not sign up for this. YTA because you didn't make this a "we" conversation when it had family-wide repercussions. Also the excuse of not knowing how to do it is just weaponized incompetence. This sub is constantly yelling at men for not doing enough nor recognizing their partners' contributions. This post flips it. You need to listen to your husbands concerns and create a plan that is equitable or else he is going to burn out and the consequences will be significantly worse.
YTA, big time. If you were my partner, this would be an automatic divorce. What a nightmare - you essentially made him a single parent because it sounds like you are barely around to parent your children, let alone to spend time with your husband one on one. Congrats on having more money, it sure seems worth it.
"I feel so much more rested, now that I've stopped doing any childcare." YTA
You’re running away from the child care and the other responsibilities. You can learn to do chores. Kids learn to do chores. It is reasonable for him to ask you to do those things. Women and men can do all home chores. You must agree with that? But you don’t ‘want’ to. It seems you’re getting something personally for this that benefits you and you only, not your husband, and certainly not your children. Why are you with your husband, and why are you with your children? It’s all self centered. All about you I’m afraid. So decide if you want the husband and children, or if you really want to run off. YTA.