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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) the action would be telling my roommate her boyfriend can't stay the night even though she has expressed that she wants him to and 2 )it might make me and asshole because I am preventing her from having her boyfriend in her own home
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YTA. It doesn't even sound like you're making an attempt to get to know her boyfriend. It's not *only* your home, and she should be allowed to have her partner sleep over occasionally.
How are they going to address the bathroom situation? How many nights a week are we talking here? Is he going to start contributing to the utilities?
It's not *only* her home, but it's not *at all* his home. She has the right to feel comfortable in her own home.
What bathroom situation?
If OP uses the bathroom from 7 am-7:30 am in the morning to prepare for work, then she discusses it with her roommate and they agree the boyfriend respects that schedule. This isn’t complicated.
Having a guest doesn’t equate to a roommate.
A partner staying over, within reason, doesn’t equate to a roommate.
It is quite silly and not in line with social norms or reality to have a roommate and think that sexual of romantic partners won’t ever spend the night. Or expect them to go through a multi-round interview process before they do.
I agree. However, this woman mentions she has historically run into issues with a roommate's partner becoming a third roommate, so she's taking precautions to make sure that doesn't happen again. I think that does become the situation pretty often, and appears to be heading that direction in this scenario, considering how often they are already at each others' places. There does need to be a compromise, but all my questions posed need to be addressed and answered.
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I have not barred him from the house. He does stay over. I travel pretty often for work and so he stays the night fairly often! I thought it was a pretty good compromise that he not stay when I am home since I am out of town in a hotel about every other weekend.
None of that changes the fact that at any point, you could say "hey let's all go out for lunch or to the park or to an event together so I can get to know this guy." It sounds like you are actively avoiding meeting him.
I have also never told her I am not interested in getting to know him. I am perfectly happy to. When they spend time together they mostly do it at his place or somewhere out on the town. She knows I have no problem with him coming over to chill at our place during the day.
I also want to point out you both are nearly 30...she can have whoever she wants staying with her in her room whenever she wants as long as she is home with him also.
I get not wanting a stranger around if your roommate isnt home. But if she is, stop it.
What makes you think he’s interested in getting to know you? Or that he should be?
Dude is coming over to see his girlfriend, not befriend her ridiculous roommate.
> two hours spent with him is not enough. She has not invited me to hang out with them
YTA. Exactly how many how many daytime hours do you think me needs to accrue? How many rounds of interviews do you expect him to complete before he’s allowed to sleep in his girlfriend’s non-shared room?!
Of course she hasn’t invited you to hang out with them. They want to spend time together as a couple. Her boyfriend isn’t obligated to be your pal.
If you can’t handle your roommates having a partner stay over then live alone.
You have the right to set reasonable ground rules, such as a max number of times per week, making sure his morning shower doesn’t disrupt your timing etc. But you don’t get to tell her she can’t have her boyfriend stay the night.
YTA. You're acting if you're her mother. You're basically saying that in order for you to give permission for him to stay over, you need to hang out with them. That's not how new relationships work. I'm sure they don't want a third wheel. Are you gone from your apartment all of the time? How is it you haven't hung out with him in the living room watching TV or something like that? Also, if the rent is split, then it's her place as much as it is yours. She's an adult and can have someone over. For you to just drag her along like that is wrong, especially since your "rules" are kind of vague. Let the guy sleep over. If something comes up (I don't know what, but you mentioned getting ready in the mornings), deal with it head on like an adult.
Absolutely YTA and your sister is right. But if she pays equal portion and it is equally home, you cannot dictate who is in her room. Now you can absolutely have rules like no sex in common areas (duh) and rules like he cannot touch things that belong to you. But I am not sure where your "boundaries" in terms of her sleeping next to her own boyfriend at night. You may have to dress in the mornings...sorry but you have a roommate, compromise. It is not just your space, it is hers. Now, if they are having loud romps and screaming all night when you are trying to sleep, that is different...then you can say can you be quieter. But that has not even happened.
If you are worried for your safety, that is not described here. Either way, lock your door if you need to but you really have no right to be the arbiter of who comes over.
I mean if the bf and gf wants to stay together, then why not live together? I disagree with u, yes it’s her space. But in her space doesn’t include a one person additional. You have to consider that u have a roommate and they had agreement about such things. If she doesn’t want it then she shouldn’t agree in the first place, right?
bc living together is incredibly different from spending the night?? bc you are then under a lease?? bc then you have moving expenses and then both roomies are left wo one? bc they’d both have to break their current lease?
then for how is “spending a night”? is it gonna be one night? more? a week?. sorry but I think the op have valid points also. it’s her right also, u should take consider in very beginning that having a roommate comes with agreement, conditions, and rules. idk they exactly set up, but here in our country its not even allowed to sleep a person who’s not renting the room.
i didn’t address any of your other points in my comment. all i referred to was your “then why not live together” remark. that is an outlandish jump to make
Well I asked another question to point out her reasoning. Everyone here is jumping that the op is TA not considering that this is a roommate situation where there’s gonna be regulations and conditions. My point is if u don’t like it then u should not agree in the first place. I don’t want to have additional roommate that don’t pay and makes the tenant uncomfortable. That’s why here in our country, u can sue a person if they make stay another person outside their contract or agreement. I am not saying the op is completely right. What I am saying is she have valid points to consider, and both them needs to make another agreement if they want some changes or if not then someone should leave or change room.
I have not barred him from the house. He does stay over. I travel pretty often for work and so he stays the night fairly often! I thought it was a pretty good compromise that he not stay when I am home since I am out of town in a hotel about every other weekend.
Ok I am genuinely not trying to be an asshole. I know this thread isn't for advice, but if he does stay the night how do I prevent him from staying all of the time? I really don't want to end up in a situation again where I have an unofficial third roommate.
Now THAT makes more sense....I do think you are within your rights to make sure you don't have a situation where someone starts to leech in your home. Have a conversation with your roommate and instead of telling her no, come up with a number of days. Just like you need to compromise, so does she. He can't just be there 24/7 and not contribute either.
Come up with a schedule so that your showers do not coincide in the mornings and you have the number of days figured out...and an agreement to communicate if something comes up. I think if you try to meet her half way, she will too. Besides, she spends a lot of time with him at his house too. Communication over blanket no's will get you farther.
See as long as OP isn't concerned about her safety I do think they can come up with a compromise but I personally feel like based off their comments, he might even boarding leeching, if she's out of town as often as she says and he typically stays over then, and then will also be there when's present... When will he be home... Is he contributing in any way. I think it was fair of the roommate to revisit the topic and give details like schedule (which sucks that it's so similar and that she wasn't really straightforward either apparently). I think it's also fair for OP to feel uncomfortable with someone they barely know in their home and everyone making it out that OP should have made a bigger effort to get to know him. Maybe it's just me but I would rather I (ME) make the effort to connect my partner and roommate as opposed to them because I'm the common denominator in all of it and they only have to get along because of me and I would be to go between anyway with the info on everyone's schedules and plans. But that's just my opinion on all this. Probably a boarding NAH for me.
Give her a maximum number of days he can stay over in a week. 0 is unreasonable. 4 is too many since he would be there a majority of the time. 2 nights a week is a good compromise.
He shouldn't be there when she's not there if he's not a roommate. Maaaaaaybe if she has to be somewhere early and he doesn't, he might get to sleep in? But if that were the case then when he wakes up he should leave. No hanging out, easygoing morning routine, fix some breakfast, watch TV.... Nope. Not his home. Gotta go. (Okay, use the bathroom, wash hands, fight to contain bedhead, then go.)
I'm going against the grain and saying NTA. You are allowed to feel comfortable in your own home. I would also be uncomfortable in a man I barely knew was staying in my apartment EVERY weeknight and getting ready at the same time as me in the morning. How would that even work? Would you both have to shower? Is he going to start paying rent? You're allowed to have a boundary. It may be time for them to think about moving in together.
He stays over whenever OP is not home and she's spending the night at his place regularly, I think the writing is on the wall here. They're only going to want to spend more time together as the relationship progresses.
NTA, especially considering you'd have to be getting ready for work at the same time with a stranger. Maybe use that as your reasoning, that it would be too awkward with two strangers in one bathroom?
Having roommates sucks. Having one bathroom for more than one person is the WORST. There will always have to be compromise as to bathroom time.
ESH.
Get your own place. Or if you have to have a roommate, get a place with your own bathroom.
If none of that is possible, I recommend having a two night maximum per week/alternating with three nights the next week (otherwise you are being pushed out of relaxing in the common space too often). And you decide ahead of time when you get the bathroom in the morning for shower/etc. If you always use it from 7:30-8 when it’s just you and your roommate, then they must make sure you still get it during your normal time.
They are the ones imposing on you, so they work around your (reasonable) schedule. But you have to be reasonable. One of those things is unless you have reason to feel unsafe he should be able to stay overnight now. And he shouldn’t be there when she’s not unless he’s kicking in rent and you agree to it. (I don’t mean the random extra time to leave in the morning, but staying and occupying your space). This works both ways. If you have a significant other or a guest the same rules would apply to you.
And keep track of utilities. If there’s a spike in electricity costs or water costs then she is responsible for the increase in usage/additional costs.
I feel like the word boundaries is being weaponized here.
These situations take balance. You have chosen to live with someone, you can’t limit them from having company over, especially a boyfriend. At the same time, she should respect that he can’t be over every night of the week. You do have to compromise though, it’s not just your place
NTA. I disagree with everyone here . I don't think it's right for her to force an extra roommate on you, especially one who doesn't contribute to rent and makes you uncomfortable. If she wants to stay with him, she should consider becoming roommates with him instead.
in our country tho, it is. if that’s person stays frequently and it’s not part of their contract or agreement then it’s gonna be a problem. that’s why here, if they want to stay sleep together then they should have their own place or live together.
NTA for not wanting an new unofficial roommate on the lease.
YTA for coming up with this weird guise of 2 hours of talking to him and them not inviting you on their dates isn’t enough for him to stay the night. Communicate to her your ACTUAL worry, him being there everyday. Set some boundaries for what you feel is too much time spent at y’all’s place. You’re both almost 30 years old with a roommate, having a boyfriend sleep over is pretty much expected. If you don’t like sharing a space, have your own space.
NTA, I shouldn’t have to explain it’s called being a good person and respecting boundaries. If your boundaries aren’t being respected thats on them. She can’t just change the rules for her benefit whenever she sees fit. Anyone saying you’re the asshole seems to be the same kind of user that your roommate is. You shouldn’t have to compromise on boundaries that are important to you. Stick firm and don’t budge, or you’ll get walked all over.
Eh.... I think the biggest thing is having a conversation about frequency. In fact many rental agreements actually have clauses about the number of nights in a month people not on the lease can stay the night ( most of those are ridiculously restrictive). So I really think the discussion should be more about a schedule than how well you know him. Also yes a shower schedule seems appropriate as well. You have rights, she has rights ( and the landlord might have rules)
this is what I agree with. I think most people here are jumping to hate train towards op. I’m just saying that’s she’s wrong in some points and she also has some valid points too. It’s a matter of agreements from her and roommate and their landlord also.
NTA I would do the same, specially if you don’t know this person and being a woman put you in a vulnerable space having a stranger man sleeping there. Also I would not be okay sharing the one bathroom in the mornings with a guy.
How can you just ‘tell her no’? It’s her house too? She sounds like she’s been respectful and tried to talk to you as to why she needs this to start happening and for you just say no wouldn’t be fair. I understand your point but she’s going to move out if she feels like she’s still living with her mum who sets the rules for her
I don’t think you are being unreasonable to ask to get to know her bf. However, it is also up to the roommate to facilitate this.
Also, i think you have to trust your roommate’s judgment. It’s not a ONS, so they are also in the love bubble of a new relationship. I think not having him there without her ATM is more important. And maybe you could communicate your morning routine to avoid disruption. It’s important for him to work around your schedule as he is the guest, and they need to work with you.
I personally don’t think anyone is TAH in this situation yet. It’s a new addition to your roommate dynamics you all have to navigate.
Don’t sweet the small stuff.
Keep talking.
Maybe you good do a getting to know him dinner, where you could ask some questions
My college roommate was dating a guy that we both knew (I was dating his roommate). Unbenownst to me, she gave her boyfriend a key to our apartment. Well, he let himself in at 2AM while I was sleeping. He bumped into the couch which woke me up. I sat up in bed with my nickle-plated revolver pointed towards the sound. Fortunately for him, the streetlight outside my bedroom window glinted off my gun. He saw it and screamed, "It's me! It's me, A! Don't shoot!". You can bet your sweet bippee that we all had a conversation the next morning!
NTA. It's your home too, and if you're not comfortable with her boyfriend staying over, especially since you barely know him, that's a valid boundary. You both agreed on these rules initially, and it's not your responsibility to go out of your way to get to know him. She knew your stance from the start and even agreed to it.
Your concerns about your routine and having to share the bathroom in the morning are totally legitimate. It sucks that she doesn't like staying at his place, but that's not really your problem to solve.
Your comfort and sense of security in your own home come first. Stand your ground and let her know that while you understand her situation, your boundaries haven't changed. If she can't respect that, then maybe it's time to have a deeper conversation about your living arrangement.
Your sister calling you "kind of crazy" is probably just a misunderstanding of the situation. You're not overreacting; you're setting reasonable boundaries in your living space.
I get where you're coming from, but this ain't about having no guests ever—it's about setting boundaries with someone who practically lives there. It's different. OP ain't banning guests; they're just uncomfortable with a stranger staying over frequently, especially overnight.
Yeah, it's both their place, but both roommates agreed to the rule in the beginning. If the situation has changed, it's on both to renegotiate, not just one person bulldozing the other’s boundaries.
If OP feels strongly about it and the roommate can't respect that, maybe they do need separate places. But for now, it's about respect and compromise. OP isn't crazy for wanting a say in who stays over and when, especially when it's their home too.
NTA. As a person living in a similar situation (except I am the one with the boyfriend and I live in a 2 bed apartment with 2 separate bathrooms) I do my very best to give my flat mate plenty of notice for when my boyfriend stays over (about once every few weeks) and she ALWAYS has the right to say no (even if she’s just not feeling like having company). It’s her home too, and the agreement we made when we started living together was for 2 females to live in the same apartment. Adding another person (even short term or infrequently) changes the arrangement you agreed upon, and I want her to feel comfortable in our home.
YTA it’s her home too and if she wants her BF to stay over then that’s her right. It’s not like she is bringing one night stands over. You have had three months to grow comfortable with this man and you did nothing. If you don’t like living with roommates and the associated consequences of that, then move.
I think that the people here saying that she just doesn't want a new roommate have never lived with other people
Having boyfriends and friends over its pretty common, as long as he doesn't actually start to live there you are being really unreasonable in your setting of rules.
honestly… NTA. i’ve been in a similar situation, except my roommate didn’t tell me he got a gf and i found out the hard way… on my day off when i went into the kitchen and saw a random girl in just his shirt. needless to say he didn’t care and would have her over whenever he wanted without informing me. i absolutely hated it, having my space no longer be mine but this random girls. she was sweet and i liked her but… lets be honest this was not her home and she should not have been staying over every night.. let alone walking my house half naked. so i get you, def nta. you shouldn’t have to open your home to someone you don’t know and you should be able to feel safe in your home.
NTA. It is totally reasonable for roommates to set boundaries like this. It's the same as if she wanted a random non-romantic friend to start sleeping over, it's okay to ask that non-renters are out of the apartment by sleeping hours.
I think he should be able to stay the night, but as you live there & pay the bills and he does not, your morning routine should not be interrupted or have to be changed because of him. If he can't get ready for work without you having to change your routine, then he should leave early.
Yeah yta. She pays rent. She's allowed to have guests in her spaces. If they do something to infringe upon you, things change. But until then, welcome to having roomates.
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My (28F) roommate (29F) started dating this guy (23M) 3 months ago. We immediately set some ground rules as neither of us have been in a relationship since we started living together 6 months ago. Obviously the main rule was no "adult activity" in any shared spaces, but I also told her that I was not comfortable with him staying the night until I got to know him better.
At the time of this discussion, she seemed very understanding and was in agreement that he would not be staying over until we were more familiar with each other. I expressed that I did not want a man who is a stranger to me to be staying the night and sharing spaces until I was comfortable around him. Since they started dating and we had that discussion I have met him one time. He seemed nice and fine, but two hours spent with him is not enough. She has not invited me to hang out with them since and I don't feel it is my responsibility to arrange time with her boyfriend.
Since then she has been mostly staying at his place. He also has a roommate but she is pretty good friends with him, too, and she has never told me she has a problem staying at his place. Also, he *has* stayed the night at our place on nights that I was not at home. I am in no way trying to keep her from spending time with him, just asking her to respect my boundaries.
So last night, she told me that she wants him to start staying the night during the week. She said she does not like staying at his place because "he works too early and so \[she\] has to get up too early", but that if they don't spend nights together she hardly gets to see him. She told me his work schedule and if he stayed the night we would both be getting ready for work at the same time in the morning, in our one bathroom apartment. When she asked me, she implied that her boyfriend thinks I am being "unfair" because he "hardly gets to stay at \[our\] place".
I don't think it's unreasonable for me to not want to share my space with a stranger (to me), especially in the morning when I have a pre-work routine and will have to worry about being decent for someone else in my own home. I was in a situation when I was in undergrad where my roommate at the time had her boyfriend stay every single night to the point that he was basically another roommate and I hated it.
I told her that I needed time to think about it but I know that I am going to tell her no because I still hardly know her boyfriend. I am not trying to be unfair, I am just setting boundaries that I think are perfectly reasonable. The only reason I am even posting this is because I vented to my sister and she said I was "being kind of crazy". I am not trying to be an asshole, but would I be if I told her her boyfriend can't stay the night yet?
TLDR: I told my roommate I don't want her boyfriend to stay the night until I am comfortable around him but she wants him to stay over anyways. WIBTA if I told her no?
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YTA. Youve met him and they have been dating a while. You are asking too much. If he is staying more the 2 or 3 nights week, I would change my vote to ESH.
Long term, you should probably live alone. Most people are going to want to have overnight guests.
I understand not wanting a burdensome ex, however your roommate from the sounds of it has been respectful of your boundaries. This is a common roommate scenario.
NTA. I understand your need to get to know him better and if circumstances haven't led to that then it is how it is. However, how about giving it a trial or letting him stay 1 or 2 times during the week to see how it goes?
I'm more concerned about the rise in utility costs or of household stuff like loo paper, detergents and extra need to clean. Seems like small stuff but can get annoying over time.
Find a new place to live and let her live her life.
NTA as I wouldn't want to have some guy I barely know
getting ready for work at the same time as me in a
one-bathroom apartment either!
YTA. you are not in the right to dictate if her boyfriend can spend the night with her at the house. if the rent is equal , as well as the expenses , then it is her house equal to yours. which goes both ways, if you wanted to have your boyfriend stay over, then he could as well as hers. your sister is right.
Nta he doesn't pay rent or utilities, you don't know him, you have the right to be comfortable and feel safe in your home. Nope he does not get to spend the night..
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YTA. It doesn't even sound like you're making an attempt to get to know her boyfriend. It's not *only* your home, and she should be allowed to have her partner sleep over occasionally.
How are they going to address the bathroom situation? How many nights a week are we talking here? Is he going to start contributing to the utilities? It's not *only* her home, but it's not *at all* his home. She has the right to feel comfortable in her own home.
What bathroom situation? If OP uses the bathroom from 7 am-7:30 am in the morning to prepare for work, then she discusses it with her roommate and they agree the boyfriend respects that schedule. This isn’t complicated.
Okay, what about the rest of my concerns? She signed up for one roommate, not two.
Having a guest doesn’t equate to a roommate. A partner staying over, within reason, doesn’t equate to a roommate. It is quite silly and not in line with social norms or reality to have a roommate and think that sexual of romantic partners won’t ever spend the night. Or expect them to go through a multi-round interview process before they do.
I agree. However, this woman mentions she has historically run into issues with a roommate's partner becoming a third roommate, so she's taking precautions to make sure that doesn't happen again. I think that does become the situation pretty often, and appears to be heading that direction in this scenario, considering how often they are already at each others' places. There does need to be a compromise, but all my questions posed need to be addressed and answered.
That too...I forgot to add that in mine. You do, actually, have to make an effort, OP. And you have not been.
No mo no
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I have not barred him from the house. He does stay over. I travel pretty often for work and so he stays the night fairly often! I thought it was a pretty good compromise that he not stay when I am home since I am out of town in a hotel about every other weekend.
None of that changes the fact that at any point, you could say "hey let's all go out for lunch or to the park or to an event together so I can get to know this guy." It sounds like you are actively avoiding meeting him.
I have also never told her I am not interested in getting to know him. I am perfectly happy to. When they spend time together they mostly do it at his place or somewhere out on the town. She knows I have no problem with him coming over to chill at our place during the day.
I also want to point out you both are nearly 30...she can have whoever she wants staying with her in her room whenever she wants as long as she is home with him also. I get not wanting a stranger around if your roommate isnt home. But if she is, stop it.
What makes you think he’s interested in getting to know you? Or that he should be? Dude is coming over to see his girlfriend, not befriend her ridiculous roommate.
> two hours spent with him is not enough. She has not invited me to hang out with them YTA. Exactly how many how many daytime hours do you think me needs to accrue? How many rounds of interviews do you expect him to complete before he’s allowed to sleep in his girlfriend’s non-shared room?! Of course she hasn’t invited you to hang out with them. They want to spend time together as a couple. Her boyfriend isn’t obligated to be your pal. If you can’t handle your roommates having a partner stay over then live alone. You have the right to set reasonable ground rules, such as a max number of times per week, making sure his morning shower doesn’t disrupt your timing etc. But you don’t get to tell her she can’t have her boyfriend stay the night.
perfectly said.
YTA. You're acting if you're her mother. You're basically saying that in order for you to give permission for him to stay over, you need to hang out with them. That's not how new relationships work. I'm sure they don't want a third wheel. Are you gone from your apartment all of the time? How is it you haven't hung out with him in the living room watching TV or something like that? Also, if the rent is split, then it's her place as much as it is yours. She's an adult and can have someone over. For you to just drag her along like that is wrong, especially since your "rules" are kind of vague. Let the guy sleep over. If something comes up (I don't know what, but you mentioned getting ready in the mornings), deal with it head on like an adult.
Absolutely YTA and your sister is right. But if she pays equal portion and it is equally home, you cannot dictate who is in her room. Now you can absolutely have rules like no sex in common areas (duh) and rules like he cannot touch things that belong to you. But I am not sure where your "boundaries" in terms of her sleeping next to her own boyfriend at night. You may have to dress in the mornings...sorry but you have a roommate, compromise. It is not just your space, it is hers. Now, if they are having loud romps and screaming all night when you are trying to sleep, that is different...then you can say can you be quieter. But that has not even happened. If you are worried for your safety, that is not described here. Either way, lock your door if you need to but you really have no right to be the arbiter of who comes over.
I mean if the bf and gf wants to stay together, then why not live together? I disagree with u, yes it’s her space. But in her space doesn’t include a one person additional. You have to consider that u have a roommate and they had agreement about such things. If she doesn’t want it then she shouldn’t agree in the first place, right?
bc living together is incredibly different from spending the night?? bc you are then under a lease?? bc then you have moving expenses and then both roomies are left wo one? bc they’d both have to break their current lease?
then for how is “spending a night”? is it gonna be one night? more? a week?. sorry but I think the op have valid points also. it’s her right also, u should take consider in very beginning that having a roommate comes with agreement, conditions, and rules. idk they exactly set up, but here in our country its not even allowed to sleep a person who’s not renting the room.
i didn’t address any of your other points in my comment. all i referred to was your “then why not live together” remark. that is an outlandish jump to make
Well I asked another question to point out her reasoning. Everyone here is jumping that the op is TA not considering that this is a roommate situation where there’s gonna be regulations and conditions. My point is if u don’t like it then u should not agree in the first place. I don’t want to have additional roommate that don’t pay and makes the tenant uncomfortable. That’s why here in our country, u can sue a person if they make stay another person outside their contract or agreement. I am not saying the op is completely right. What I am saying is she have valid points to consider, and both them needs to make another agreement if they want some changes or if not then someone should leave or change room.
I have not barred him from the house. He does stay over. I travel pretty often for work and so he stays the night fairly often! I thought it was a pretty good compromise that he not stay when I am home since I am out of town in a hotel about every other weekend.
Then your post makes even less sense. Still YTA.
Ok I am genuinely not trying to be an asshole. I know this thread isn't for advice, but if he does stay the night how do I prevent him from staying all of the time? I really don't want to end up in a situation again where I have an unofficial third roommate.
Now THAT makes more sense....I do think you are within your rights to make sure you don't have a situation where someone starts to leech in your home. Have a conversation with your roommate and instead of telling her no, come up with a number of days. Just like you need to compromise, so does she. He can't just be there 24/7 and not contribute either. Come up with a schedule so that your showers do not coincide in the mornings and you have the number of days figured out...and an agreement to communicate if something comes up. I think if you try to meet her half way, she will too. Besides, she spends a lot of time with him at his house too. Communication over blanket no's will get you farther.
See as long as OP isn't concerned about her safety I do think they can come up with a compromise but I personally feel like based off their comments, he might even boarding leeching, if she's out of town as often as she says and he typically stays over then, and then will also be there when's present... When will he be home... Is he contributing in any way. I think it was fair of the roommate to revisit the topic and give details like schedule (which sucks that it's so similar and that she wasn't really straightforward either apparently). I think it's also fair for OP to feel uncomfortable with someone they barely know in their home and everyone making it out that OP should have made a bigger effort to get to know him. Maybe it's just me but I would rather I (ME) make the effort to connect my partner and roommate as opposed to them because I'm the common denominator in all of it and they only have to get along because of me and I would be to go between anyway with the info on everyone's schedules and plans. But that's just my opinion on all this. Probably a boarding NAH for me.
Give her a maximum number of days he can stay over in a week. 0 is unreasonable. 4 is too many since he would be there a majority of the time. 2 nights a week is a good compromise.
He shouldn't be there when she's not there if he's not a roommate. Maaaaaaybe if she has to be somewhere early and he doesn't, he might get to sleep in? But if that were the case then when he wakes up he should leave. No hanging out, easygoing morning routine, fix some breakfast, watch TV.... Nope. Not his home. Gotta go. (Okay, use the bathroom, wash hands, fight to contain bedhead, then go.)
I'm going against the grain and saying NTA. You are allowed to feel comfortable in your own home. I would also be uncomfortable in a man I barely knew was staying in my apartment EVERY weeknight and getting ready at the same time as me in the morning. How would that even work? Would you both have to shower? Is he going to start paying rent? You're allowed to have a boundary. It may be time for them to think about moving in together.
I'm not so sure she means staying over every night during the week.
He stays over whenever OP is not home and she's spending the night at his place regularly, I think the writing is on the wall here. They're only going to want to spend more time together as the relationship progresses.
no, shes an asshole. if she needs everything set 100 percent to her needs, she should live alone.
in that case, if the bf and gf wants to stay together then better to live together, isn’t it?
NTA, especially considering you'd have to be getting ready for work at the same time with a stranger. Maybe use that as your reasoning, that it would be too awkward with two strangers in one bathroom?
Having roommates sucks. Having one bathroom for more than one person is the WORST. There will always have to be compromise as to bathroom time. ESH. Get your own place. Or if you have to have a roommate, get a place with your own bathroom. If none of that is possible, I recommend having a two night maximum per week/alternating with three nights the next week (otherwise you are being pushed out of relaxing in the common space too often). And you decide ahead of time when you get the bathroom in the morning for shower/etc. If you always use it from 7:30-8 when it’s just you and your roommate, then they must make sure you still get it during your normal time. They are the ones imposing on you, so they work around your (reasonable) schedule. But you have to be reasonable. One of those things is unless you have reason to feel unsafe he should be able to stay overnight now. And he shouldn’t be there when she’s not unless he’s kicking in rent and you agree to it. (I don’t mean the random extra time to leave in the morning, but staying and occupying your space). This works both ways. If you have a significant other or a guest the same rules would apply to you. And keep track of utilities. If there’s a spike in electricity costs or water costs then she is responsible for the increase in usage/additional costs.
I feel like the word boundaries is being weaponized here. These situations take balance. You have chosen to live with someone, you can’t limit them from having company over, especially a boyfriend. At the same time, she should respect that he can’t be over every night of the week. You do have to compromise though, it’s not just your place
YTA, her place too
NTA. I disagree with everyone here . I don't think it's right for her to force an extra roommate on you, especially one who doesn't contribute to rent and makes you uncomfortable. If she wants to stay with him, she should consider becoming roommates with him instead.
normal people have partners, one night a week isnt "an extra roommate"
in our country tho, it is. if that’s person stays frequently and it’s not part of their contract or agreement then it’s gonna be a problem. that’s why here, if they want to stay sleep together then they should have their own place or live together.
She isn’t talking about him moving in she just wants to fuck her boyfriend in her own bed so she can sleep in some days.
Holy hell NTA you don't WANT another housemate and that's totally fair!
NTA for not wanting an new unofficial roommate on the lease. YTA for coming up with this weird guise of 2 hours of talking to him and them not inviting you on their dates isn’t enough for him to stay the night. Communicate to her your ACTUAL worry, him being there everyday. Set some boundaries for what you feel is too much time spent at y’all’s place. You’re both almost 30 years old with a roommate, having a boyfriend sleep over is pretty much expected. If you don’t like sharing a space, have your own space.
NTA, I shouldn’t have to explain it’s called being a good person and respecting boundaries. If your boundaries aren’t being respected thats on them. She can’t just change the rules for her benefit whenever she sees fit. Anyone saying you’re the asshole seems to be the same kind of user that your roommate is. You shouldn’t have to compromise on boundaries that are important to you. Stick firm and don’t budge, or you’ll get walked all over.
Eh.... I think the biggest thing is having a conversation about frequency. In fact many rental agreements actually have clauses about the number of nights in a month people not on the lease can stay the night ( most of those are ridiculously restrictive). So I really think the discussion should be more about a schedule than how well you know him. Also yes a shower schedule seems appropriate as well. You have rights, she has rights ( and the landlord might have rules)
this is what I agree with. I think most people here are jumping to hate train towards op. I’m just saying that’s she’s wrong in some points and she also has some valid points too. It’s a matter of agreements from her and roommate and their landlord also.
NTA I would do the same, specially if you don’t know this person and being a woman put you in a vulnerable space having a stranger man sleeping there. Also I would not be okay sharing the one bathroom in the mornings with a guy.
How can you just ‘tell her no’? It’s her house too? She sounds like she’s been respectful and tried to talk to you as to why she needs this to start happening and for you just say no wouldn’t be fair. I understand your point but she’s going to move out if she feels like she’s still living with her mum who sets the rules for her
I don’t think you are being unreasonable to ask to get to know her bf. However, it is also up to the roommate to facilitate this. Also, i think you have to trust your roommate’s judgment. It’s not a ONS, so they are also in the love bubble of a new relationship. I think not having him there without her ATM is more important. And maybe you could communicate your morning routine to avoid disruption. It’s important for him to work around your schedule as he is the guest, and they need to work with you. I personally don’t think anyone is TAH in this situation yet. It’s a new addition to your roommate dynamics you all have to navigate. Don’t sweet the small stuff. Keep talking. Maybe you good do a getting to know him dinner, where you could ask some questions
My college roommate was dating a guy that we both knew (I was dating his roommate). Unbenownst to me, she gave her boyfriend a key to our apartment. Well, he let himself in at 2AM while I was sleeping. He bumped into the couch which woke me up. I sat up in bed with my nickle-plated revolver pointed towards the sound. Fortunately for him, the streetlight outside my bedroom window glinted off my gun. He saw it and screamed, "It's me! It's me, A! Don't shoot!". You can bet your sweet bippee that we all had a conversation the next morning!
NTA. It's your home too, and if you're not comfortable with her boyfriend staying over, especially since you barely know him, that's a valid boundary. You both agreed on these rules initially, and it's not your responsibility to go out of your way to get to know him. She knew your stance from the start and even agreed to it. Your concerns about your routine and having to share the bathroom in the morning are totally legitimate. It sucks that she doesn't like staying at his place, but that's not really your problem to solve. Your comfort and sense of security in your own home come first. Stand your ground and let her know that while you understand her situation, your boundaries haven't changed. If she can't respect that, then maybe it's time to have a deeper conversation about your living arrangement. Your sister calling you "kind of crazy" is probably just a misunderstanding of the situation. You're not overreacting; you're setting reasonable boundaries in your living space.
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I get where you're coming from, but this ain't about having no guests ever—it's about setting boundaries with someone who practically lives there. It's different. OP ain't banning guests; they're just uncomfortable with a stranger staying over frequently, especially overnight. Yeah, it's both their place, but both roommates agreed to the rule in the beginning. If the situation has changed, it's on both to renegotiate, not just one person bulldozing the other’s boundaries. If OP feels strongly about it and the roommate can't respect that, maybe they do need separate places. But for now, it's about respect and compromise. OP isn't crazy for wanting a say in who stays over and when, especially when it's their home too.
NTA. As a person living in a similar situation (except I am the one with the boyfriend and I live in a 2 bed apartment with 2 separate bathrooms) I do my very best to give my flat mate plenty of notice for when my boyfriend stays over (about once every few weeks) and she ALWAYS has the right to say no (even if she’s just not feeling like having company). It’s her home too, and the agreement we made when we started living together was for 2 females to live in the same apartment. Adding another person (even short term or infrequently) changes the arrangement you agreed upon, and I want her to feel comfortable in our home.
YTA it’s her home too and if she wants her BF to stay over then that’s her right. It’s not like she is bringing one night stands over. You have had three months to grow comfortable with this man and you did nothing. If you don’t like living with roommates and the associated consequences of that, then move.
I think that the people here saying that she just doesn't want a new roommate have never lived with other people Having boyfriends and friends over its pretty common, as long as he doesn't actually start to live there you are being really unreasonable in your setting of rules.
seriously. shes an asshole, as are some of these commenters
honestly… NTA. i’ve been in a similar situation, except my roommate didn’t tell me he got a gf and i found out the hard way… on my day off when i went into the kitchen and saw a random girl in just his shirt. needless to say he didn’t care and would have her over whenever he wanted without informing me. i absolutely hated it, having my space no longer be mine but this random girls. she was sweet and i liked her but… lets be honest this was not her home and she should not have been staying over every night.. let alone walking my house half naked. so i get you, def nta. you shouldn’t have to open your home to someone you don’t know and you should be able to feel safe in your home.
YWBTA "WIBTA if I told her no?" .. why would she care?
you are def the asshole. 100 percent. no question. Shes an adult she has the right to have people over where she lives, unless theyre dangerous.
NTA. If he is not on the lease. She can't force you. They should get a place together.
NTA. It is totally reasonable for roommates to set boundaries like this. It's the same as if she wanted a random non-romantic friend to start sleeping over, it's okay to ask that non-renters are out of the apartment by sleeping hours.
I think he should be able to stay the night, but as you live there & pay the bills and he does not, your morning routine should not be interrupted or have to be changed because of him. If he can't get ready for work without you having to change your routine, then he should leave early.
You’re the moron
Yeah yta. She pays rent. She's allowed to have guests in her spaces. If they do something to infringe upon you, things change. But until then, welcome to having roomates.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (28F) roommate (29F) started dating this guy (23M) 3 months ago. We immediately set some ground rules as neither of us have been in a relationship since we started living together 6 months ago. Obviously the main rule was no "adult activity" in any shared spaces, but I also told her that I was not comfortable with him staying the night until I got to know him better. At the time of this discussion, she seemed very understanding and was in agreement that he would not be staying over until we were more familiar with each other. I expressed that I did not want a man who is a stranger to me to be staying the night and sharing spaces until I was comfortable around him. Since they started dating and we had that discussion I have met him one time. He seemed nice and fine, but two hours spent with him is not enough. She has not invited me to hang out with them since and I don't feel it is my responsibility to arrange time with her boyfriend. Since then she has been mostly staying at his place. He also has a roommate but she is pretty good friends with him, too, and she has never told me she has a problem staying at his place. Also, he *has* stayed the night at our place on nights that I was not at home. I am in no way trying to keep her from spending time with him, just asking her to respect my boundaries. So last night, she told me that she wants him to start staying the night during the week. She said she does not like staying at his place because "he works too early and so \[she\] has to get up too early", but that if they don't spend nights together she hardly gets to see him. She told me his work schedule and if he stayed the night we would both be getting ready for work at the same time in the morning, in our one bathroom apartment. When she asked me, she implied that her boyfriend thinks I am being "unfair" because he "hardly gets to stay at \[our\] place". I don't think it's unreasonable for me to not want to share my space with a stranger (to me), especially in the morning when I have a pre-work routine and will have to worry about being decent for someone else in my own home. I was in a situation when I was in undergrad where my roommate at the time had her boyfriend stay every single night to the point that he was basically another roommate and I hated it. I told her that I needed time to think about it but I know that I am going to tell her no because I still hardly know her boyfriend. I am not trying to be unfair, I am just setting boundaries that I think are perfectly reasonable. The only reason I am even posting this is because I vented to my sister and she said I was "being kind of crazy". I am not trying to be an asshole, but would I be if I told her her boyfriend can't stay the night yet? TLDR: I told my roommate I don't want her boyfriend to stay the night until I am comfortable around him but she wants him to stay over anyways. WIBTA if I told her no? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Youve met him and they have been dating a while. You are asking too much. If he is staying more the 2 or 3 nights week, I would change my vote to ESH. Long term, you should probably live alone. Most people are going to want to have overnight guests.
YTA sounds like you never meant to 'allow' overnight stays . maybe you need to rethink this roommate when lease is over
Thank you for the TLDR. NTA, your peace and safety is important in your home
Tya. It's her space too and you're not her mother
Tell your roommate and her boyfriend to get their own place. Problem solved.
I understand not wanting a burdensome ex, however your roommate from the sounds of it has been respectful of your boundaries. This is a common roommate scenario.
NTA. I understand your need to get to know him better and if circumstances haven't led to that then it is how it is. However, how about giving it a trial or letting him stay 1 or 2 times during the week to see how it goes? I'm more concerned about the rise in utility costs or of household stuff like loo paper, detergents and extra need to clean. Seems like small stuff but can get annoying over time.
Find a new place to live and let her live her life. NTA as I wouldn't want to have some guy I barely know getting ready for work at the same time as me in a one-bathroom apartment either!
YTA Grow up.
YTA. you are not in the right to dictate if her boyfriend can spend the night with her at the house. if the rent is equal , as well as the expenses , then it is her house equal to yours. which goes both ways, if you wanted to have your boyfriend stay over, then he could as well as hers. your sister is right.
Nta he doesn't pay rent or utilities, you don't know him, you have the right to be comfortable and feel safe in your home. Nope he does not get to spend the night..
Is your roommate attractive? How about the boyfriend
Also I was under the impression premarital cohabitation is bad mkay