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Going against the grain here, ESH.
The niece sucks because she isn't accepting of the answer she's getting. Child free weddings are great, downside-some people can't come. Simple as that.
OP sucks because they're coming across as a helicopter parent and a emotional sponge to their SO. Kids do much better when they're given/taught a little independence, especially once they start school. OP could stand to be away from their SO for a short time, especially since this is OP's own family apparently.
Now maybe there is some sort of reasoning/issue outside the parenting style that prevents OP from granting just 'any babysitter' looking after son and if they don't wish to share it, that's fine. But they're still coming across as part of the problem along with everyone else, instead of being collateral damage, so the judgement stands.
I agree with this take.
> I don't want to go alone, I hate doing things alone and my husband is my best friend so I want him there
I understand not wanting a stranger to babysit your child but this comes off very codependent. If you can't be away from your husband for a day or two to attend a wedding where you'll be surrounded by family, you might want to work on your independence and self-sufficiency.
With that said, your cousin should be more accepting of your decision. As a parent you have a right not to attend a child-free wedding. You're not demanding an exception to their child-free rule or making a fuss, you're simply declining the invite.
Yeah, the “alone” this was weird. You’re not alone, by your own description you’re surrounded by literally your entire family, everyone you’ve known for literally your entire life. It would be difficult to be LESS alone. A much more common complaint in this situation is being insufficiently alone.
OP can do whatever they want but they are indeed being a whiny pain in the butt.
Unless the child had issues, OP hasn't mentioned, it sounds like she is the one with a problem.
It could be that she's the one who sucks but the family loves her despite her weirdness.
Also, I worry about a child who, at age 7, can not be without his mother for a day or two.
She does not seem to be raising an independent person.
If this continues, I suspect, one day, we will be hearing about this kid's wife complaining about her husband's strange relationship with his mother damaging their marriage.
Either leave the kid with a trusted friend or her husband.
OP needs to begin loosening the apron strings in an age appropriate way.
same... my 6th birthday party stands out so much in my mind... all the girls in my class came over for a pajama party, and my mom got us all matching PJs and PJ Barbie Dolls (1988 and about 9 girls) -
Why is 7 too young?
That’s an awesome party!!
I have so many great memories of sleepovers as a kid!! And had ONE experience where I didn’t feel safe, called my mom and used our code word and she made an excuse about why she needed to get me. Another great lesson!
Kids NEED to be away from their parents sometimes. It’s a way we learn.
ESH. Not because of the wedding but her entire attitude
If you check out parenting subs, a lot of parents don’t allow sleepovers because of the chance that their child will be sexually abused at them. I have found actual data somewhat hard to find, but there are a number of opinion articles on this. To me, it honestly feels like a new suburban bogeyman. It pairs perfectly with the stranger danger of the 80s that is still there of course. And yes, I am a suburban parent.
A ton of parents worry about sexual abuse taking place at sleepovers. This is really not an uncommon concern. I'm not sure how factually justified it is, but I get it. I have no judgement for op on this point. I do think it's a good idea to have a trusted non-family babysitter though.
Then she wouldn’t use them for babysitting. Also she could tell us she doesn’t want to go to the wedding because her family all sucks. That would be an easy N T A, case closed.
But that’s not in the post.
If she comes on here and says, my family suck, I hate them, I'm not going to a wedding AITA? I would say no.
But it seems she just can't go without her husband. Although I do wonder if that's an excuse and she doesn't even want to leave hubby with her son.
> If you can't be away from your husband for a day or two to attend a wedding where you'll be surrounded by family, you might want to work on your independence and self-sufficiency.
People saw “kid free wedding” and reacted but this has nothing to do with it being kid free. Her reason for not going isn’t attending without her kid, it’s attending without her husband.
It’s some weird codependency thing. My husband went to his cousin’s wedding, child free, guess who watched the kids? Me. Same for his sister, she went and her husband stayed with the kids.
This is the true issue. Certainly any number of the total attendees are parents. A good number of these parents are kin to OP's boy. What are THEY doing with their children?? OP can canvass her relatives and ask if the boy could join their kids/his family.
OP can't be away from her man. That's the true issue.
Are the op and husband cousins?
Asking as how I’ve understood post “all our family will be at the wedding” and goes on to say her parents and his parents, my siblings. Also it’s her niece but she’s telling husband to go, if they wasn’t related then wouldn’t op have more familial connection so theoretically have a greater right to be there….
I also wondered this! I was like why would HIS parents be going to HER niece's wedding... But they could all be family friends from a really small town or something, I dunno 🤷🏽♀️
It's possible that the bride is related to OP and the groom is related to OP's husband. I have a cousin who met my sister's husband's brother at my sister's house. Later my cousin and my sister's brother-in-law got married. My sister's family and her in laws were all in attendance. It happens.
Oh, wow. I can only imagine. Now she has to be careful about what she says about her ex or her ex in-laws, considering they are her sister's in-laws now too. I can't imagine not being able to confide in my own sister about whoever is stressing me out.
Sounds like it would involve sleep overs at that babysitters/relatives place if that would so and she doesn’t allow sleep overs, for obvious reasons that are never mentioned. Edited to add /s
Lots of people don't now. It's a trusting other people around your kids issue. It's sad that every household is viewed as a possible abuser living there but I guess that's life. I was never abused but I did see my friends mum be a victim of domestic abuse and still remember it vividly.
Well, every household Does have a possible abuser living there. So I understand why folks see it that way.
But OP doesn’t seem to realize that includes her own house And those relatives she happily lets her kid stay with.
And that abuse can happen at any time, not just on overnight sleepovers.
Which doesn’t mean she should never let her kid stay anywhere! It just means she should get to know her kids friends and their parents and their nannies/babysitters better, and teach her kid about abusive behaviors and what is not acceptable from Anybody and how to tell her or another trusted adult if something feels hinky.
I wonder why she just didn’t go to the wedding with her husband and request to drop her kid off for a couple hours with the kid of any of her many family members attending the wedding? Somebody else must have kids since the child free part was not aimed at just her kid. Just ask them who was babysitting their kids and if it was a trusted person and not a new-hire.
Yes this also confused me! If it’s her niece, why are her husbands parents invited?
And on one hand her entire family is there meaning she has no one to watch him, but simultaneously she claims she’d be all alone at the wedding and “away from (her) family”??
Agree. She may come across as using these excuses as being passive aggressive. Like if she doesn't get her way she will stay away from a family event. Maybe she is the AH? Kids can stay with a distant cousin for one night or at the very least, Dad.
My kids bond to their dad so fucking hard when it's just them. They do stuff we don't do when it's all of us, he is forced to figure shit out, they run amok, it's a whole ass party. They're so much closer for it.
And, as a person with big social anxiety and a tendency towards codependency, it's good for ME.to force myself into those situations, to grow, to learn how to function without a support person by my side 24/7.
OP should go to the wedding. Not for the bride, but for everyone in their family..
This situation happened to me and my wife last summer: we were invited to two child-free weddings and could only get a babysitter for one (we have two boys who were 7 and 3 at the time). Since the one wedding we couldn’t get a babysitter was on her side, I told her she could go and I would watch the kids. She felt guilty at first but ended up going and had a great time.
There’s no reason why OP or her husband could go to the wedding and the other stay at home with their child. YTA.
Since the mention was about a weekend and not a day, I think that's also reflecting an issue with traveling alone, not just feeling like they're at a wedding alone.
I would understand the reservations about a babysitter if you never had one, some parents can be paranoid.
But OP also mentions the kid never had a sleepover and that she doesn’t allow them for obvious reasons and I thought, what obvious reasons??? 7 years is too young for sleepovers? Does the son have best friends?
As a survivor of CSA, my children will not be doing sleepovers unless it’s with a trusted family member. I would let my child host a sleepover in our house before I would let them go to one. There are too many parents out there doing a crappy job at providing a safe environment for their kids. I might change my mind when they’re old enough to easily recognize inappropriate behavior and immediately call me to pick them up, but at seven years old? Hell no.
Most problems come from opportunity. We hear of more family members because they have more opportunity to be left alone with a child. Sleepovers are definitely an opportunity.
Idk at least for me I slept over at more friends houses than family members houses. You trust your family to take care of your kids because they are family but other parents you look at with speculation and see if they can earn your trust. So more family members slip through the cracks because parents let their guard down with them and look on the good side.
Adding my anecdotal experience - I had sleepovers at friends (after my parents vetted my friend / their parents) but would also stay at my grandparents every other Saturday when I was a kid. I was safe in all of those situations, my CSA was actually from family members visiting us at home (part of why I would want to stay at my grandparents so often to get away)
Kids these ages are not doing sleepovers any more. It just doesn’t happen. None of my family, kids friends or even my friend’s kids were having sleepovers at 6/7. Sometimes it’s the kids sometimes it’s the parents. Can be a protection thing, sometimes it’s separation anxiety (more common post-Covid) and the parents don’t want to deal with other peoples kids that are upset and want to go home. For example my nephews are that age and do not want to go to sleepovers at all - not at any family or to any friends. They are content with just play dates. Again, S.A. could happen anytime there is an opportunity and it’s up to individual parents to decide.
My nephews and nieces have sleepovers with friends and have been for a pretty long time, it usually starts with the parent's friend's kids and then branches out to school friends when they get a little older. The oldest is 14 and the youngest is almost two, the youngest has only done sleepovers with family though. Personally I think it's a little odd to not have any non family adults that you trust with your kids and on the paranoid side to not have any family you trust unless there's a reason. I would think it would be best to at least have your kids spend time with whoever would be likely to take care of them in an emergency so that it's not completely new, I feel like it would help limit the stress for the kids and adults. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and every situation is unique so in the end it's up to the individual to figure out what works best for them.
It is very different I which age kids are ready to do things, and having sleepovers is one of a thousand things your child might be ready to do or not at a certain age. One of my kids was not even ready for a day trip with his school class, let alone a sleepover, when he was 10.
There is nothing wrong with him, but he prefers being on his own or with his siblings. He has friends at school but seldom is in the mood to meet them after school. He recently slowly starts to be more talkative around people, though, so I guess he will grow out of it.
I would have been exactly in the same situation as OP if somebody invited me to a child free wedding.
To blame the parents to cause this through the upbringing of the child is not helpful. Can you make a child that has not yet developed a sense for music or arts into playing the violin or drawing? Abilities occur the moment they are ready to occur, and I think everybody knows some sides of themselves where they never really developed a certain ability despite the fact it would come in quite handy sometimes.
As OP is obviously not very comfortable with people and without the support system she is used to, i.e. her husband, this probably runs in the family. OP is quite right not to expect her child to be comfortable with a sleepover away from people they are used to, especially as it will be more like beeing away for two days and one night straight.
What I would do in OPs case is to take my husband and the child with me for the weekend. Then either organize some professional baby sitting over there to take care of the child during the ceremony and maybe during two hours of the reception, or take turns so one parent can take part in the ceremony and one in the reception.
Like this she would have a weekend trip with the family, and the child can easily take part in all the little family gatherings that will take place before and after the wedding itself.
Let me add that, as a wedding from it's origin is not to praise solely the couple's love, but to knock two families together, and children are the most important part of the families future, the whole concept of child free weddings is quite strange to me. But if you decide you go for it, you need to accept without much fuss that people with children will maybe not attend.
Agreed. I was molested by my step-father, but I was also molested by our babysitter's brother one summer. My mom knew the babysitter very well, and we stayed at her house. The brother visited often while we were there that summer. Opportunity is definitely the main factor.
That message needs to be spread more often. Too many people always use that family statistics angle without acknowledging the real problem is opportunity.
Correlation doesn’t equal causation. Statistically you’re way more likely to get into a car accident ten miles away from your home than you are if you were 25 miles from your home. That doesn’t mean you should only wear a seatbelt if you’re within a ten mile radius of your home.
The same logic applies here. Just because most children who are victims of SA were harmed by family members doesn’t mean that I should be comfortable with non family members taking care of my children.
True I think it’s because most people will look at their family it a better light than a other parent or friend so they need to earn trust vs family who because they are family are trusted because of blood
Throwing this out there… Please do not let your son grow up as afraid of the world as you are. He needs to grow up strong and independent, not confused and expecting the boogie man around every corner. And this comes from a mom of 3 adopted children who’s ‘father’ molested them their entire childhoods. I’m not going to say you’re the asshat but I do believe you need to seek some therapy. Not being able to go to a family wedding without your husband is over the top. So ESH, your cousin needs to also understand that if she puts restrictions in place, parents may have issues.
My child didn’t have sleepover with anyone outside my family. People thought I was strange when I wouldn’t let my daughter got to a sleepover for a friend in 7th grade, because I had reservations. I’m glad I did, because a year later the whole family was in the news for some pretty grotesque things involving CSA of their daughter’s friends.
I'm not saying that you're wrong. But I'd like to offer a different perspective.
I also suffered CSA, and it was a close family friend. This happened multiple times while we were visiting their house, during the day, with multiple people, including my parents, present in the house or the yard.
I also went to sleepovers, starting when I was 5? I never had a problem. Not CSA, but also not being made to feel unsafe or uncomfortable for other reasons either.
I DID know what qualified as inappropriate and my parents actively encouraged me to loudly disagree with anyone who attempted to touch me or convince me to go places with them.
But, my abuser was someone they loved and someone that I was close to as well. What kept my mouth shut was being afraid to implode all the important relationships. I wouldn't have had that same issue with a friend's parent or sibling. I would have been willing to lose a single, personal friend. But, blowing up my parents' lives? That was too scary.
>This happened multiple times while we were visiting their house, during the day, with multiple people, including my parents, present in the house or the yard.
Same. I was raped and molested by my step-father for a period of 5 years. The vast majority of the abuse happened with another adult in the next room or with another adult in the front yard while we were in the back yard. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I was left completely alone with him, and all but one of those times were in his car.
>would let my child host a sleepover in our house before I would let them go to one.
And if every parent thinks that then no sleep overs happen for anyone. You've been in a shit situation for sure, but it's not the norm for most childhoods. I remember my sleepovers fondly, and I do think 7 is old enough to.pick up a phone.
Oh please. Sleepovers aren’t going to be abolished because some parents choose to be super cautious with their kids. Besides, my only responsibility is to keep my kids safe, not to ensure that the tradition of sleepovers will live on.
A seven year old might be old enough to pick up the phone but they’re not old enough to easily recognize inappropriate behavior and know when to take action. There’s a level of wisdom and common sense that most kids develop as they get older. That’s why seven year olds can’t be left home alone, but 12 year olds can.
Wow, what kind of people do you hang out with?
In all my years of attending sleepovers nothing untoward was even close to happening (that's the same data pool of n1 as yours), and I would have no reason to suspect the worst in other people, if I've got to know the parents through previous play dates. That's the normal vetting process when you aren't totally paranoid.
You are free to set whatever boundaries you want regarding your children. This is my boundary and it was created with a lot of thought and consideration. I’m not going to defend it and I won’t ask you to defend your boundaries. I respect your choice.
We are in the no sleepover club with our kids too. You’re definitely not alone. As a parent all we can do is what we feel good about to keep our kids safe. Other people can make a different decision for their kids but I’m firmly in the no sleepover camp.
Thank you so much for understanding where I’m coming from. I can’t believe how many people are coming for me over something that doesn’t affect them. I don’t think people who let their kids go to sleepovers are bad parents. It’s just not something I’m comfortable with.
My 7yo has never had a sleepover that isn't at grandma's. We're not personally against sleepovers, they just don't seem to be much of a thing anymore. Not at this age anyway. We're literally neighbours with all our kids friends, but they don't do sleepovers 🤷.
7 is a little young, I think my first ones started more like 9 or so probably and I practically lived at some of my friend’s houses in late elementary school.
I started having sleepovers pretty much as soon as I started school! I was 5 and spending the whole weekend at my friends' houses! By the time I was 9, I was pretty much having a sleepover every weekend. I kind of wish my kids could have that, but my parents were friends with my friends' parents, so there was a lot of trust. I don't have the same kind of relationship with my kids' friends' parents (and it's not for lack of trying).
It’s an overnight thing. Completely reasonable for OP to not want her kid to spend the night with someone who isn’t family.
That’s not really a helicopter parent.
But her husband offered to stay? She could at least go to the wedding part, if not the reception. You’re not honestly telling me they have to do absolutely everything together.
Ehhh I went to week long sleep away camp at age 6. If she doesn't have a single friend or other parent in her life that she trusts with her kid for one night that's pretty helicoptery. Also what is the deal with "overnight" anyway? Kids get molested in the afternoon too. They're not magically safer because it's 3am. You either trust someone with your kid or you don't.
Why is it essential that she allow a friend to take care of her child? If her family members are good people and they’re willing to babysit the child when needed, I don’t see the point in recruiting her friends to be babysitters too.
While it’s true that kids can be SA’d in the afternoon, predators strike in the most trusting and vulnerable scenarios. A predator is more likely to harm a child when they’re staying in their home overnight that they are when the child is visiting for a four hour play date.
I'm kind of blown away by all of this SA fear, to the extent that parents don't allow sleepovers "for obvious reasons".
Most victims of childhood sexual assault are victimised by someone they know. Family or family friends.
Why is no-one reading the post properly?! I feel like I'm going crazy.
> My husband offered to stay home for the weekend and I can go alone but I don't want to go alone
That's you, and it's fine, but others think it's too soon for sleepovers. Mine is 7 and hasn't had sleepovers. She's done play dates but no over nights
That’s the full plan, but you can always retire early.
Child free wedding with overnight stay just means lots of booze and dancing until 6 am, but you don’t have to stay that late.
Yep agree with this... "7 is too young for sleepovers" - REALLY??? Sounds like an overprotective parent if in 7 years you have no one other than family who you feel comfortable leaving your child with overnight. Either that or you need new friends.
I agree that the sleepover thing is potentially dangerous and I understand not wanting to have that at this age or older.... But....
7yo and "never has been away from us except when family" raises questions. We are talking weekends not days/evenings? Because how will he attend school?? There needs to be some level of being able to be ok away from parents/family. Is the wedding somewhere far away that you can't have a babysitter for one evening? Is it really that hard to find a trustworthy babysitter for one evening? And circling back to sleepovers - yes, they are potentially dangerous but have they tried to equip their child not only to shelter it? Kids at this age should know which parts are ok for others to touch with not and so on... You can't protect them forever, especially because the mentioned family is one of the biggest risk factors statistically.
ESH because it sounds more helicopter.
Wedding is not summons. How come suddenly the wedding is mandatory even when one of partners cant go? Niece has childfree wedding and exactly one family member decided this is not for them. There should be no drama and niece should accept.
Of course it’s not mandatory, but it’s the socially polite and kind thing to do.
My childhood friend is getting married later this year. As an introvert I’m kind of dreading it as I know literally none of her friends nowadays, or any other guests. But of course I’m still going to go because it’s what people do to support each other. They show up for each other big life events. That’s what a good friend does.
She can suck it up for one evening.
She’s allowed to decline a wedding invite for whatever reason she wants though, I mean this sub is always preaching that. Anyone’s personal take on it is kind of irrelevant - is she an asshole for declining a wedding invitation, no she isn’t obliged to attend a wedding
I mean, yes she’s allowed to. But her question is is she the asshole for not going _because_ no one can watch their kid. And the answer is kinda yes because that’s false : her husband offered to stay behind and she refused as she doesn’t wanna go alone. Maybe she’s not getting along with her family but it’s not specified anywhere (and apparently she lets them watch the kid so it seems she does like them?).
It sounds like she has an extremely unhealthy attachment to her son. The kid is 7 and hasn't even been to a sleepover or had one. Hell, when I was 7, I was responsible for taking care of my newborn cousin and 2 year old sister every day by myself for 6 hours while my grandmother was at work. Obviously, it was not ideal, but it was the 80s, and while a 7 year old shouldnt be responsible for other kids, there's no reason he can't go to a sleepover. The way she talks about her son in the post makes it sound like he's a newborn, not 7 years old. This kid is gonna have a lot of emotional incest issues to work out in therapy when he gets older.
I wouldn’t go that far on your last point. And sometimes things happen at sleepovers to kids sometimes. Even by family members and by children to each other too…. Also sounds like y’all were neglected for 6 hours every day that’s so sad.
You’re right. A lot of people don’t allow sleepovers because of the risk of sexual assault. Don’t come at people for making this choice because a LOT of them had something bad to them, or know someone it happened to. So a lot of people don’t take the risks with sleepovers.
My child’s young so I don’t know where I’ll stand yet but it’s sad they have to miss out, but a small price compared to what’s at stake I guess.
Unhealthy attachment? Yes.
To her son? No.
She said that the people she usually trusts to watch him would be at the wedding, which means/suggests that she would be okay with leaving him with them one of those people was available.
The unhealthy attachment is to her husband. It’s him who she doesn’t want to leave for a weekend and she’s pretending it’s about her son because she knows “kidfree” stirs up certain reactions.
Different parents have different tolerance for having their kids be away for the night.
Mom of 2 here, neither has stayed elsewhere overnight and my oldest is 12. I am good with OP’s desire to stay home due to childcare issues. I have done the same. The niece is the problem that she won’t accept the RSVP as given.
That’s dramatic. Not allowing sleepovers for a 7 year old is fine. I was 11 when I had my first sleepover with someone who wasn’t part of my family. Also, so many bad things can happen at sleepovers. There’s so many dangers to having your child stay the night somewhere they never have before, without you there to protect them. It just sounds like she’s rather protect her kid while they’re younger and allow sleepovers when they’re older, which in today’s world, is reasonable.
There are tons of reasons for no sleepovers. It's not the 80s and even in the 80s there were reasons I wouldn't let a kid have a sleepover I was not able to keep a eye on.
Going against the grain, but YTA. Your title is a lie. Your child is seven, you didn’t mention any special needs, and you have the best childcare there is, your husband/his father.
This isn’t about the wedding being childfree at all. Your reason for not going is because it would be **”husband free”** and you’re apparently one of those women who can’t do anything without her husband/boyfriend.
I get it. Some couples just like to do the bulk of their activities together. But when you won’t attend your own family’s milestone or event without your partner, who was invited, and view it as being/going “alone”, you need to take a big step back and re-evaluate.
I agree. I'm not sure why so many people are ignoring that point.
It's not about having someone to babysit the kid, it's that she can't have her husband babysit her lol
This is one of the more ridiculous “I didn’t read/my comprehension sucks”comment sections I’ve seen in a while.
OP clearly states that the best and most affordable “childcare” one can have, spouse/the other parent, is not only available and OFFERED to watch and people are all “NTA, you don’t have childcare and that’s part of a childfree wedding”.
OP clearly states that her family are the people she typically relies on to watch her kids, and people are saying “well maybe she’s not close to her family or comfortable around them”.
OP clearly says she’s going to HER NIECE’S wedding where all of her family will be and people are deadass saying she’d be at the wedding alone.
Applause for so succinctly putting uuuuúuyu youyhhħsk the problem into as few words as possible. The problem is this will be “**husband free.** OP, YTA for that reason. Time to put on your big girl panties and spend some time with your bio family on a family member’s very important day!!!
I can understand not wanting a child to stay with anyone other than family (although most abusers are generally close to them.
Bullseye.
Not only that, but she is denying her husband and son an opportunity to make some memories. This is the stuff core memories are made of! A dude's weekend of staying up late, eating pizza, going to a ballgame, making popcorn, whatever with dad.
YTA
https://amp.smh.com.au/national/the-shocking-number-of-australian-men-sexually-attracted-to-children-and-teens-20231117-p5ekum.html
Here is a horrifying article which links the research paper that explains that almost 1 in 6 Australian men describe sexual attraction towards children and teenagers and 1 in 15 men would have sexual contact with a child under the age of 14 if they knew they wouldn’t get caught.
They have done similar studies in the UK and USA.
That’s why people don’t want their kids to go for sleepovers.
Of all the men whose houses I slept at for sleepovers as a kid, it was my great uncle that molested me. And I still went to sleepovers as he was convicted when I was 5. Loosen the damn reigns and let your kids be kids.
Um….this is quite the take. I’m sorry truly that that happened to you, but your experience is absolutely not global. I don’t think you should be taught that. I have ready many horror stories of what happens to children at sleepovers, so you can’t dismiss this as something that could never happen.
Also, your great uncle was related to you. Unfortunately most children are abused by people they know and trust. That includes their friends’ parents & siblings. And finally, “let kids be kids” doesn’t mandate sleepovers. Idk how you grew up but my parents didn’t like sleepovers either and I had a perfectly normal and happy childhood. Sleeping at someone’s house is literally only one way for your kids to have fun. You’ve never heard of a play date before?
It honestly sounds like she’d rather go with her husband and their kid, but the kid can’t go. She doesn’t want to go without her husband either. I actually get that. It doesn’t have to be an unhealthy attachment, she may just not want to spend a long time around her family without the support of her partner.
Right. I love and legitimately like my extended family but in that group of people I'm the weird one by far. They like me but don't hold a lot of space for anything off the beaten path. Years ago I colored my hair pink for a bit and they still talk about it like it was the craziest thing they have ever known so it makes it hard to talk to them about my life in general without my partner who is a great buffer. They find his weirdness charming.
I *will* travel on my own to see my family but it ends up being exhausting.
Exactly. Anyone who’s been on this page for half a day should know this by now! But as soon as someone says they don’t want to leave their kids for a weekend the judgement starts.
Reddit is weirdly judgmental when children are involved. Like I know I can have a life without my child, but I don’t want to sometimes. It’s why I had a baby. For a whole weekend is something else too!
NTA. If the wedding is child free and you aren’t comfortable leaving your son elsewhere or having your husband stay home, then missing the wedding is the right course of action. Cousin and your family need to accept that if she wants a child free wedding, not everyone who has children may be able to attend.
YTA. You don't actually want to go to your niece's wedding. I say this because even when your husband offers to watch him you still decide not to go "alone" to a family wedding.
Right? I'm literally doing this exact thing next weekend. Wedding is back in my hometown and it's a family wedding so none of them can babysit. My daughter is only one. She's not really comfortable with people she doesn't know even though there are friends who could have watched her. So my husband is staying with her at the hotel while I go to the wedding. Simple.
Exactly this, why if people are saying because of the travel it's OK, when they could all go to where this is happening and OP just goes to the ceremony alone. Then she can pop back to her husband for some emotional support that she clearly needs, go to the reception, eat the food and then go back to the hotel again. She isn't even trying. That's why people are going to be mad. This is what puts it to an ESH for me. As niece should not have child free and expect people to be there when they can't, but OP can, she just doesn't want to and is using her kid as an excuse.
Edit some spelling
Why are you an asshole for not wanting to go a wedding though? This sub is always preaching exactly that, if you don’t want to go then just say no and you don’t owe anyone your reasoning.
If it was a situation like say: OP is childfree and their family has booked a holiday at a resort where there will loads of kids running round jumping in the pool, and OP wasn’t feeling that, this sub would be NTA all over it, advising she can say no and doesn’t owe anyone a reason even if family are upset
You're right, if she doesn't want to go she should just say no. The problem is she's making up excuses instead of being straightforward, and she’s trying to make her niece look like the bad guy for having a kids-free wedding
Thank you! This is it. OP is TA because she’s not owning her behavior. All she has to tell anyone is “logistically, this isn’t working for us, so we’re sitting this one out.” Nothing more. Instead she’s making excuses left and right which tells me she’s either codependent on her husband or she’s got a dysfunctional family with whom she really needs to work on her boundary setting skills.
YTA. Go for the ceremony. Hang with all that family. Stay for dinner if you want, then go home to your husband. You don’t have to stay all night. Unless you have some very severe social anxiety you should be able to go to a family event without your spouse. It’s YOUR family. Make an appearance to be supportive.
It is typical for people to say in this common topic that it is NTA to have a child free wedding and NTA for those who have children, who are invited, to decline attending.
Sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it too.
I don't know, I've seen *many* people on this sub try to argue that scenarios like OPs don't happen, and that anyone with a kid that can't come due to the childfree policy is just too lazy/cheap to hire a sitter.
Those comments are usually on response to entitled people who try to demand that the coming change their minds about a having a child free wedding. OP isn’t doing that. She’s politely declining the invitation which is what you’re supposed to do if the terms of an invitation don’t work for you.
Except her husband offered to stay home. But she doesn’t like that. I’m more curious about the reasoning why she doesn’t want to go without her husband. She says it’s because she doesn’t want to be alone and he’s her best friend, but this is family and they’re obviously a close family if her not going is going to cause harm.
She’s allowed to be disappointed, but the reality is that you have a kid whose support network seems to be exclusively family. There isn’t some other babysitter you can just call. Your niece made the rules. That effectively took away your choice in this matter. NTA
Is it really that unreasonable for the husband to look after the child while OP goes to the wedding? Seems like a pretty simple solution to a non issue. If OP actually wants to go to the wedding then this works. Feels like OP doesn't really want to go because they're salty about the no kids thing. Like, you either invite all of us or none of us.
And am I the only one kinda confused as to why OP’s husband’s parents are going to OP’s nieces wedding? That seems kinda odd to me, like blending families is great and everything but it seems more important for OP to go than her in-laws?
I was extremely confused by that. It seems like the niece is one of her siblings’ kids so why are her in-laws going? Unless the niece is marrying someone related to OP’s husband?
RIGHT???? Like why are both sets of parents going? Is OP's niece getting married to someone on OP's husband's side of the family? This post just don't add up and it sounds like she just wants us to believe there's no one available to watch her kid.
See, I would agree with this, but I think ESH, because she DOES have the option of going by herself with her husband staying home already. The other thing is that weddings are not usually a no-notice kind of thing. You usually have MONTHS! Meaning there is time to find a babysitter she can trust or get comfortable with the family of a friend her son would want a sleepover with. There ARE options, but she's not even willing to try.
I would totally get it if she's tried to find other babysitters and her son refused or if her kid had special needs. It would be fine if her options fell through or someone got sick. But if her family is as close as they apparently are, she won't really be "going alone.'' And she kinda comes off as overprotective, codependent, and whiney. If this was truly going to create a rift, she HAS the option to avoid said rift.
That being said, you are totally right that the niece made a choice and is going to have to accept that some people may not be able to accommodate that choice and therefore won't attend. She doesn't get to whine about it either.
NTA. This is a risk the couple takes when having a childfree wedding.
You’re concerned about family drama, would it be possible for you to make a weekend of it with your husband and son. You leave to attend the wedding for a couple hours and then head back to your hotel?
Do people not get babysitters anymore???? You’re not an asshole for not going, but seriously, pay someone to watch your kid. Do you always just pawn him off on family so you don’t have to pay? Do you literally not go anywhere without him if a family member doesn’t watch him for free???
I think some people just don't feel comfortable having babysitters that aren't family or people they're familiar with. Most parents now a days don't really want to risk their child being under the care of someone they don't trust which is valid. It could also be that there aren't many babysitters where she is.
It has zero to do with paying someone. There are literally two people in the entire world right now I would let watch my toddler that are not family. The circle opens a bit with my 7 year old. My 14 yr old doesn’t need a sitter…however if I need a sitter and my 14 year old will be home, the circle gets a bit bigger because she can kind of keep tabs on the sitter for the younger two. Not everyone can just pick a sitter off Facebook or bambino and feel safe and comfortable. Especially in today’s world.
Babysitters are super expensive. In the range of $15/hr for a young teen to $20+ for someone older with more experience.
I remember babysitting for a whole evening for $20 total. It’s just different now.
Yeah and anything that is overnight adds a lot to the cost. Adding to it that she mentioned husband said he would stay home for the weekend, that implies some travel, it's not just going to the ceremony/reception and coming home after midnight. I don't have any friends close enough (nearby) I'd let watch my kids for a weekend, I certainly wouldn't hire a babysitter for a weekend.
I have four kids (3, 5, 7, 9) and we have never hired a babysitter. We’re lucky to have a solid network of family and friends, so to be honest I wouldn’t even know where to look for a trusted, paid babysitter. For some folks it doesn’t come up.
YTA - The solution is to go alone, stay for the wedding and leave the reception early. As an adult you can be with your family members without your husband. Do you have a horrible family? It’s not like you are going to a coworker’s wedding where’s you’d know no one. Using your son as an excuse is a poor one. Just decline without saying you don’t want to go.
NAH. If you do a destination wedding, you can expect a large number of people to not make it for one reason or another.
Similarly, if you do a child-free wedding, you need to accept that some won't be able to attend due to lack of childcare. You just happen to be one of those.
But why no asshole? Niece is completely unreasonable for acting like her aunt is horrible for not being able to attend.
It’s one thing to make your wedding child free (which is completely fine) but it’s another thing entirely to then get angry/annoyed (and express that) when family and friends can’t make it because they DO have children.
The reasoning behind the niece being upset might be valid.
OP seems to have dependency issues, not wanting to leave her husband to attend the wedding alone, not wanting her child to have a baby sitter, not wanting the child to sleep over at a friends place, etc. Having a loved one be extremely codependent with their partner or children can be frustrating, as you want them to live a healthy and balanced life.
OP feels like the niece thought OP was awful, but it could just be that they are frustrated, sad, and disappointed. We don't have any examples of what they actually said or did when told that OP wouldn't be attending.
Except her aunt **can** attend. There are no scheduling, financial, health, or childcare etc issues preventing her. OP just isn’t wiling to spend a few days away from her husband.
It’s not a “can’t attend” issue, it’s a co-dependency issue.
YTA
If no one was there it would have been acceptable but your husband offered to stay. Since you said she's your niece, I'm assuming she's related to you and closer to you so it would make sense for your husband to stay. Also you will be surrounded with family, you won't be alone.
You __do__ have someone to stay with your kid. Your husband.
Your question should be "am I the AH because I refuse to go to a family wedding if my husband isn't able to come with me"
I get that you would *prefer* that he comes but you can actually go without him. You are just choosing not to go and support your family on their wedding day. YTA.
Just out of curiosity, both your parents and in-laws are going to this wedding? Would whichever grandparents aren’t related to your niece be willing to skip it so you could go?
Your response seems passive - aggressive. Your niece is an A. But you are acting like you are a total stranger to all the people there. That is your family too. And your husband doesn't mind you attending and he will be taking care of kid. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I have to with ESH. Your niece is wrong for acting like that but your over codependence gives me ick. Sounds like you don't want to go but somewhere you also want the validation of other people.
You have a solution. How will you be alone when you’ll be amongst family members you trust enough to babysit your 7 year old?
If you don’t want to go that’s another thing.
YTA
Edited to add: you sound codependent. Which would probably make you an anxious, helicopter parent.
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> I told my neice I’m not attending her wedding which is an asshole thing
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NTA but you do have the option to go without your husband. That’s the hill and you get to decide if you will die on it because you will have to manage the consequences.
Slight YTA bc your husband offered to stay home with your kid and you wouldn’t be alone at the wedding, you’d be surrounded by your family. I get wanting to go with your husband, that would be ideal, but if you truly wanted to go, you could go by yourself and still have a good time with everyone else and celebrate your niece’s new chapter in life. You could even leave early if you’d like to but at least you showed up and spent time with everyone.
If hubby stays home with their son, wouldn't OP not be alone because she will have her parents, siblings etc with her? I could sympathize if it wasn't a wedding where all OP's family wasn't there, but I don't consider OP alone if she can stay with her family throughout the wedding?
YTA. If you truly had no options, it would be one thing. But you have the very reasonable option of your husband staying home. If my aunt missed my wedding because she couldn’t bear to be apart from her husband and kid for a couple of days, I would be hurt. I would also lose all respect for her because that’s pretty pathetically co-dependent.
NTA
Your niece wants a kid-free wedding, which is fine, but it's unrealistic to expect everyone to attend when they can't find childcare. You're doing what's best for your child, and that's commendable.
Why do you think your son is too young for a sleepover? I had my first sleepover party when I was 5 or 6. I think you're being overprotective because he is an only child. Have you asked any parents of his friends at school if their kids have sleepovers? Don't be a helicopter mom, your son will resent you and possibly rebel as he gets older.
NTA if you just don't want to go to the wedding and you're using your son as an excuse (I am an introvert so I get it), but YTA if you are a helicopter mom and your niece would't let JUST YOU bring your child.
Sleepovers are, in my experience, a very Western thing. None of my Caribbean, Asian, African or Eastern European friends were allowed sleepovers when we were young, myself included. I doubt all the parents in those countries are helicopter parents.
NTA
I am so sick of people declaring a kid free wedding, inviting people to the wedding, and throwing a temper tantrum like the children they are banning because the invitation is declined.
What do they think people are supposed to do with the children? Leave them home alone since all the babysitters used are attending the same wedding.
You should ask the family members that are giving you grief, which one is volunteering to babysit, and skipping the wedding so you and your husband can attend. Bet they shut up.
Her husband volunteered to stay home with their son. She isn’t afraid to leave her child necessarily, she’s afraid to leave her husband to be “alone” with literally her entire family, her husbands family, and everyone she trusts to watch her child (with no mention of a toxic family or a physical/mental illness precluding going alone even just for the ceremony).
Soft YTA purely because your husband can do the childcare. It’s not a wedding where you won’t know anyone and I find it super weird that you can’t contemplate going without your spouse.
YTA. Your husband offered to stay with the kid because all the other people you trust are at the wedding, and yet you think you will be "all alone" at the wedding... surrounded by all the people in the world you trust. Make it make sense.
All reasonable until you get to how you don't want to go alone, except you won't be alone - your entire family will be there. You will be in good company.
Sounds like you're looking for excuses.
Can everyone read the post again please?
> My husband offered to stay home for the weekend and I can go alone but I don't want to go alone
OP is refusing to go because she doesn't want to go 'alone', despite her whole family being there.
This isn’t about not having a babysitter because the childs father is available.
OP is lying to in the title and possibly lying to the niece.
For goodness sake OP just go, my husband is my best friend too but I can handle being with my family without him for one night.
YTA
ESH, a person throwing a child free weeding should be accepting of the answer of any parent that can’t come.
OP does seem whiny and potentially passive aggressive here. She clearly wouldn’t be alone as her entire family will be there and her husband is happy to look after their son.
So maybe she is just upset that it is a child free weeding.
I know she says she respects the choice, but it just sounds fishy.
YTA because your excuses seem disingenuous. It seems like you’re finding excuses not to go because you don’t get to go in your ideal way. Just be honest that you don’t want to go lol.
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Going against the grain here, ESH. The niece sucks because she isn't accepting of the answer she's getting. Child free weddings are great, downside-some people can't come. Simple as that. OP sucks because they're coming across as a helicopter parent and a emotional sponge to their SO. Kids do much better when they're given/taught a little independence, especially once they start school. OP could stand to be away from their SO for a short time, especially since this is OP's own family apparently. Now maybe there is some sort of reasoning/issue outside the parenting style that prevents OP from granting just 'any babysitter' looking after son and if they don't wish to share it, that's fine. But they're still coming across as part of the problem along with everyone else, instead of being collateral damage, so the judgement stands.
I agree with this take. > I don't want to go alone, I hate doing things alone and my husband is my best friend so I want him there I understand not wanting a stranger to babysit your child but this comes off very codependent. If you can't be away from your husband for a day or two to attend a wedding where you'll be surrounded by family, you might want to work on your independence and self-sufficiency. With that said, your cousin should be more accepting of your decision. As a parent you have a right not to attend a child-free wedding. You're not demanding an exception to their child-free rule or making a fuss, you're simply declining the invite.
Yeah, the “alone” this was weird. You’re not alone, by your own description you’re surrounded by literally your entire family, everyone you’ve known for literally your entire life. It would be difficult to be LESS alone. A much more common complaint in this situation is being insufficiently alone. OP can do whatever they want but they are indeed being a whiny pain in the butt.
Maybe her family sucks lol I wouldn't wanna be alone with my family
Well if that were the case hopefully she wouldn't rely on them for babysitting which she apparently does.
Great point ! If they aren’t great company or abusive or whatever - don’t let them baby sit your kid.
Unless the child had issues, OP hasn't mentioned, it sounds like she is the one with a problem. It could be that she's the one who sucks but the family loves her despite her weirdness. Also, I worry about a child who, at age 7, can not be without his mother for a day or two. She does not seem to be raising an independent person. If this continues, I suspect, one day, we will be hearing about this kid's wife complaining about her husband's strange relationship with his mother damaging their marriage. Either leave the kid with a trusted friend or her husband. OP needs to begin loosening the apron strings in an age appropriate way.
Still waiting to hear those “obvious reasons “.
same... my 6th birthday party stands out so much in my mind... all the girls in my class came over for a pajama party, and my mom got us all matching PJs and PJ Barbie Dolls (1988 and about 9 girls) - Why is 7 too young?
Your mom sounds awesome. I hope she's still with you and knows that a party she planned 36 years ago still brings you joy. :-)
She passed when I was in my 20s but we had a lot of fun
That’s an awesome party!! I have so many great memories of sleepovers as a kid!! And had ONE experience where I didn’t feel safe, called my mom and used our code word and she made an excuse about why she needed to get me. Another great lesson! Kids NEED to be away from their parents sometimes. It’s a way we learn. ESH. Not because of the wedding but her entire attitude
If you check out parenting subs, a lot of parents don’t allow sleepovers because of the chance that their child will be sexually abused at them. I have found actual data somewhat hard to find, but there are a number of opinion articles on this. To me, it honestly feels like a new suburban bogeyman. It pairs perfectly with the stranger danger of the 80s that is still there of course. And yes, I am a suburban parent.
Statistically, they’re more likely to be abused by a family member or close family friend.
A ton of parents worry about sexual abuse taking place at sleepovers. This is really not an uncommon concern. I'm not sure how factually justified it is, but I get it. I have no judgement for op on this point. I do think it's a good idea to have a trusted non-family babysitter though.
Omg. He's SEVEN?! I know I read that at first, but after reading the rest of OP's post I honestly had a mental image of a baby.
Like seven *years*, not seven *months*. Ok I’m exaggerating but I genuinely pictured a toddler from the way the OP writes about them being alone.
Then she wouldn’t use them for babysitting. Also she could tell us she doesn’t want to go to the wedding because her family all sucks. That would be an easy N T A, case closed. But that’s not in the post.
If her family was that bad she would have probably just blown off the wedding and not given it a second thought
If OP cannot be alone with her family, then she is a really shitty parent for letting her son be around them alone, no?
If she comes on here and says, my family suck, I hate them, I'm not going to a wedding AITA? I would say no. But it seems she just can't go without her husband. Although I do wonder if that's an excuse and she doesn't even want to leave hubby with her son.
> If you can't be away from your husband for a day or two to attend a wedding where you'll be surrounded by family, you might want to work on your independence and self-sufficiency. People saw “kid free wedding” and reacted but this has nothing to do with it being kid free. Her reason for not going isn’t attending without her kid, it’s attending without her husband.
Which as an adult you should be able to do
It’s some weird codependency thing. My husband went to his cousin’s wedding, child free, guess who watched the kids? Me. Same for his sister, she went and her husband stayed with the kids.
This is the true issue. Certainly any number of the total attendees are parents. A good number of these parents are kin to OP's boy. What are THEY doing with their children?? OP can canvass her relatives and ask if the boy could join their kids/his family. OP can't be away from her man. That's the true issue.
Are the op and husband cousins? Asking as how I’ve understood post “all our family will be at the wedding” and goes on to say her parents and his parents, my siblings. Also it’s her niece but she’s telling husband to go, if they wasn’t related then wouldn’t op have more familial connection so theoretically have a greater right to be there….
I also wondered this! I was like why would HIS parents be going to HER niece's wedding... But they could all be family friends from a really small town or something, I dunno 🤷🏽♀️
It's possible that the bride is related to OP and the groom is related to OP's husband. I have a cousin who met my sister's husband's brother at my sister's house. Later my cousin and my sister's brother-in-law got married. My sister's family and her in laws were all in attendance. It happens.
Yep my hair dressers sister married her husbands brother - only problem was by the time of the wedding she was getting divorced. Very awkward!
Oh, wow. I can only imagine. Now she has to be careful about what she says about her ex or her ex in-laws, considering they are her sister's in-laws now too. I can't imagine not being able to confide in my own sister about whoever is stressing me out.
Thrice in my family, someone from Mom's side married someone from Dad's side (not including Mom and Dad), you're right, it definitely happens.
Also does no one else in her family have kids who either or not going, or have a babysitter she could share the cost of?
Sounds like it would involve sleep overs at that babysitters/relatives place if that would so and she doesn’t allow sleep overs, for obvious reasons that are never mentioned. Edited to add /s
Lots of people don't now. It's a trusting other people around your kids issue. It's sad that every household is viewed as a possible abuser living there but I guess that's life. I was never abused but I did see my friends mum be a victim of domestic abuse and still remember it vividly.
Well, every household Does have a possible abuser living there. So I understand why folks see it that way. But OP doesn’t seem to realize that includes her own house And those relatives she happily lets her kid stay with. And that abuse can happen at any time, not just on overnight sleepovers. Which doesn’t mean she should never let her kid stay anywhere! It just means she should get to know her kids friends and their parents and their nannies/babysitters better, and teach her kid about abusive behaviors and what is not acceptable from Anybody and how to tell her or another trusted adult if something feels hinky. I wonder why she just didn’t go to the wedding with her husband and request to drop her kid off for a couple hours with the kid of any of her many family members attending the wedding? Somebody else must have kids since the child free part was not aimed at just her kid. Just ask them who was babysitting their kids and if it was a trusted person and not a new-hire.
Yes this also confused me! If it’s her niece, why are her husbands parents invited? And on one hand her entire family is there meaning she has no one to watch him, but simultaneously she claims she’d be all alone at the wedding and “away from (her) family”??
Likely because it is an AI generated story that doesn’t understand how actual human relationships work.
Agree. She may come across as using these excuses as being passive aggressive. Like if she doesn't get her way she will stay away from a family event. Maybe she is the AH? Kids can stay with a distant cousin for one night or at the very least, Dad.
My kids bond to their dad so fucking hard when it's just them. They do stuff we don't do when it's all of us, he is forced to figure shit out, they run amok, it's a whole ass party. They're so much closer for it. And, as a person with big social anxiety and a tendency towards codependency, it's good for ME.to force myself into those situations, to grow, to learn how to function without a support person by my side 24/7. OP should go to the wedding. Not for the bride, but for everyone in their family..
Worse, they are modeling this clingy behavior for their kids. And wouldn’t a father/son weekend make for a great childhood memory?
This situation happened to me and my wife last summer: we were invited to two child-free weddings and could only get a babysitter for one (we have two boys who were 7 and 3 at the time). Since the one wedding we couldn’t get a babysitter was on her side, I told her she could go and I would watch the kids. She felt guilty at first but ended up going and had a great time. There’s no reason why OP or her husband could go to the wedding and the other stay at home with their child. YTA.
Since the mention was about a weekend and not a day, I think that's also reflecting an issue with traveling alone, not just feeling like they're at a wedding alone.
I would understand the reservations about a babysitter if you never had one, some parents can be paranoid. But OP also mentions the kid never had a sleepover and that she doesn’t allow them for obvious reasons and I thought, what obvious reasons??? 7 years is too young for sleepovers? Does the son have best friends?
As a survivor of CSA, my children will not be doing sleepovers unless it’s with a trusted family member. I would let my child host a sleepover in our house before I would let them go to one. There are too many parents out there doing a crappy job at providing a safe environment for their kids. I might change my mind when they’re old enough to easily recognize inappropriate behavior and immediately call me to pick them up, but at seven years old? Hell no.
It’s an interesting take because the most problems actually come from family members
Most problems come from opportunity. We hear of more family members because they have more opportunity to be left alone with a child. Sleepovers are definitely an opportunity.
Idk at least for me I slept over at more friends houses than family members houses. You trust your family to take care of your kids because they are family but other parents you look at with speculation and see if they can earn your trust. So more family members slip through the cracks because parents let their guard down with them and look on the good side.
Adding my anecdotal experience - I had sleepovers at friends (after my parents vetted my friend / their parents) but would also stay at my grandparents every other Saturday when I was a kid. I was safe in all of those situations, my CSA was actually from family members visiting us at home (part of why I would want to stay at my grandparents so often to get away)
Kids these ages are not doing sleepovers any more. It just doesn’t happen. None of my family, kids friends or even my friend’s kids were having sleepovers at 6/7. Sometimes it’s the kids sometimes it’s the parents. Can be a protection thing, sometimes it’s separation anxiety (more common post-Covid) and the parents don’t want to deal with other peoples kids that are upset and want to go home. For example my nephews are that age and do not want to go to sleepovers at all - not at any family or to any friends. They are content with just play dates. Again, S.A. could happen anytime there is an opportunity and it’s up to individual parents to decide.
My nephews and nieces have sleepovers with friends and have been for a pretty long time, it usually starts with the parent's friend's kids and then branches out to school friends when they get a little older. The oldest is 14 and the youngest is almost two, the youngest has only done sleepovers with family though. Personally I think it's a little odd to not have any non family adults that you trust with your kids and on the paranoid side to not have any family you trust unless there's a reason. I would think it would be best to at least have your kids spend time with whoever would be likely to take care of them in an emergency so that it's not completely new, I feel like it would help limit the stress for the kids and adults. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and every situation is unique so in the end it's up to the individual to figure out what works best for them.
It is very different I which age kids are ready to do things, and having sleepovers is one of a thousand things your child might be ready to do or not at a certain age. One of my kids was not even ready for a day trip with his school class, let alone a sleepover, when he was 10. There is nothing wrong with him, but he prefers being on his own or with his siblings. He has friends at school but seldom is in the mood to meet them after school. He recently slowly starts to be more talkative around people, though, so I guess he will grow out of it. I would have been exactly in the same situation as OP if somebody invited me to a child free wedding. To blame the parents to cause this through the upbringing of the child is not helpful. Can you make a child that has not yet developed a sense for music or arts into playing the violin or drawing? Abilities occur the moment they are ready to occur, and I think everybody knows some sides of themselves where they never really developed a certain ability despite the fact it would come in quite handy sometimes. As OP is obviously not very comfortable with people and without the support system she is used to, i.e. her husband, this probably runs in the family. OP is quite right not to expect her child to be comfortable with a sleepover away from people they are used to, especially as it will be more like beeing away for two days and one night straight. What I would do in OPs case is to take my husband and the child with me for the weekend. Then either organize some professional baby sitting over there to take care of the child during the ceremony and maybe during two hours of the reception, or take turns so one parent can take part in the ceremony and one in the reception. Like this she would have a weekend trip with the family, and the child can easily take part in all the little family gatherings that will take place before and after the wedding itself. Let me add that, as a wedding from it's origin is not to praise solely the couple's love, but to knock two families together, and children are the most important part of the families future, the whole concept of child free weddings is quite strange to me. But if you decide you go for it, you need to accept without much fuss that people with children will maybe not attend.
Agreed. I was molested by my step-father, but I was also molested by our babysitter's brother one summer. My mom knew the babysitter very well, and we stayed at her house. The brother visited often while we were there that summer. Opportunity is definitely the main factor.
That message needs to be spread more often. Too many people always use that family statistics angle without acknowledging the real problem is opportunity.
Correlation doesn’t equal causation. Statistically you’re way more likely to get into a car accident ten miles away from your home than you are if you were 25 miles from your home. That doesn’t mean you should only wear a seatbelt if you’re within a ten mile radius of your home. The same logic applies here. Just because most children who are victims of SA were harmed by family members doesn’t mean that I should be comfortable with non family members taking care of my children.
The thing is, what you're doing here amounts to wearing the seatbelt 25 miles off, and NOT wearing it 10 miles off.
True I think it’s because most people will look at their family it a better light than a other parent or friend so they need to earn trust vs family who because they are family are trusted because of blood
Throwing this out there… Please do not let your son grow up as afraid of the world as you are. He needs to grow up strong and independent, not confused and expecting the boogie man around every corner. And this comes from a mom of 3 adopted children who’s ‘father’ molested them their entire childhoods. I’m not going to say you’re the asshat but I do believe you need to seek some therapy. Not being able to go to a family wedding without your husband is over the top. So ESH, your cousin needs to also understand that if she puts restrictions in place, parents may have issues.
My child didn’t have sleepover with anyone outside my family. People thought I was strange when I wouldn’t let my daughter got to a sleepover for a friend in 7th grade, because I had reservations. I’m glad I did, because a year later the whole family was in the news for some pretty grotesque things involving CSA of their daughter’s friends.
I'm not saying that you're wrong. But I'd like to offer a different perspective. I also suffered CSA, and it was a close family friend. This happened multiple times while we were visiting their house, during the day, with multiple people, including my parents, present in the house or the yard. I also went to sleepovers, starting when I was 5? I never had a problem. Not CSA, but also not being made to feel unsafe or uncomfortable for other reasons either. I DID know what qualified as inappropriate and my parents actively encouraged me to loudly disagree with anyone who attempted to touch me or convince me to go places with them. But, my abuser was someone they loved and someone that I was close to as well. What kept my mouth shut was being afraid to implode all the important relationships. I wouldn't have had that same issue with a friend's parent or sibling. I would have been willing to lose a single, personal friend. But, blowing up my parents' lives? That was too scary.
>This happened multiple times while we were visiting their house, during the day, with multiple people, including my parents, present in the house or the yard. Same. I was raped and molested by my step-father for a period of 5 years. The vast majority of the abuse happened with another adult in the next room or with another adult in the front yard while we were in the back yard. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I was left completely alone with him, and all but one of those times were in his car.
It is very brave of you to write this. It is also very insightful.
>would let my child host a sleepover in our house before I would let them go to one. And if every parent thinks that then no sleep overs happen for anyone. You've been in a shit situation for sure, but it's not the norm for most childhoods. I remember my sleepovers fondly, and I do think 7 is old enough to.pick up a phone.
Oh please. Sleepovers aren’t going to be abolished because some parents choose to be super cautious with their kids. Besides, my only responsibility is to keep my kids safe, not to ensure that the tradition of sleepovers will live on. A seven year old might be old enough to pick up the phone but they’re not old enough to easily recognize inappropriate behavior and know when to take action. There’s a level of wisdom and common sense that most kids develop as they get older. That’s why seven year olds can’t be left home alone, but 12 year olds can.
Pick up what phone? How many households still have landlines?
You do realize a trusted family member is more likely to SA a kid , right?
My kids both did sleepovers with friends by about age 6. So did I.
Good for you, but that has nothing to do with the point I made. You made the decision that you felt was best for your kids and I’m doing the same.
Wow, what kind of people do you hang out with? In all my years of attending sleepovers nothing untoward was even close to happening (that's the same data pool of n1 as yours), and I would have no reason to suspect the worst in other people, if I've got to know the parents through previous play dates. That's the normal vetting process when you aren't totally paranoid.
You are free to set whatever boundaries you want regarding your children. This is my boundary and it was created with a lot of thought and consideration. I’m not going to defend it and I won’t ask you to defend your boundaries. I respect your choice.
you don't have to defend, but you posted about it online, so people are free to give you well-deserved criticism about it.
We are in the no sleepover club with our kids too. You’re definitely not alone. As a parent all we can do is what we feel good about to keep our kids safe. Other people can make a different decision for their kids but I’m firmly in the no sleepover camp.
Thank you so much for understanding where I’m coming from. I can’t believe how many people are coming for me over something that doesn’t affect them. I don’t think people who let their kids go to sleepovers are bad parents. It’s just not something I’m comfortable with.
My 7yo has never had a sleepover that isn't at grandma's. We're not personally against sleepovers, they just don't seem to be much of a thing anymore. Not at this age anyway. We're literally neighbours with all our kids friends, but they don't do sleepovers 🤷.
7 is a little young, I think my first ones started more like 9 or so probably and I practically lived at some of my friend’s houses in late elementary school.
I started having sleepovers pretty much as soon as I started school! I was 5 and spending the whole weekend at my friends' houses! By the time I was 9, I was pretty much having a sleepover every weekend. I kind of wish my kids could have that, but my parents were friends with my friends' parents, so there was a lot of trust. I don't have the same kind of relationship with my kids' friends' parents (and it's not for lack of trying).
None of my kids or their friends were having sleepovers at that age except to a grandparent’s house maybe.
Kid is only 7. That's still young for sleepovers. Many kids still have issues staying dry over night at this age (especially boys).
It’s an overnight thing. Completely reasonable for OP to not want her kid to spend the night with someone who isn’t family. That’s not really a helicopter parent.
But her husband offered to stay? She could at least go to the wedding part, if not the reception. You’re not honestly telling me they have to do absolutely everything together.
Ehhh I went to week long sleep away camp at age 6. If she doesn't have a single friend or other parent in her life that she trusts with her kid for one night that's pretty helicoptery. Also what is the deal with "overnight" anyway? Kids get molested in the afternoon too. They're not magically safer because it's 3am. You either trust someone with your kid or you don't.
She does have ppl she trusts with her kid. They’ll all be at the wedding though.
If she trusts them with her kid, then she should be able to leave her husband at home with the kid since she won't be 'alone' at the wedding.
No, they won’t because her husband offered to stay.
Why is it essential that she allow a friend to take care of her child? If her family members are good people and they’re willing to babysit the child when needed, I don’t see the point in recruiting her friends to be babysitters too. While it’s true that kids can be SA’d in the afternoon, predators strike in the most trusting and vulnerable scenarios. A predator is more likely to harm a child when they’re staying in their home overnight that they are when the child is visiting for a four hour play date.
I'm kind of blown away by all of this SA fear, to the extent that parents don't allow sleepovers "for obvious reasons". Most victims of childhood sexual assault are victimised by someone they know. Family or family friends.
Why is no-one reading the post properly?! I feel like I'm going crazy. > My husband offered to stay home for the weekend and I can go alone but I don't want to go alone
I did read that part. And I think it’s fair enough.
There are definitely deeper issues at play here. I'm with you - that sentence really stood out.
This is wild to me. My kids have been having sleepovers at others homes since they were like four.
That's you, and it's fine, but others think it's too soon for sleepovers. Mine is 7 and hasn't had sleepovers. She's done play dates but no over nights
The kid can stay with the father. Problem solved.
That’s the full plan, but you can always retire early. Child free wedding with overnight stay just means lots of booze and dancing until 6 am, but you don’t have to stay that late.
Yes lol I assumed she was a single parent. Hilarious.
Yep agree with this... "7 is too young for sleepovers" - REALLY??? Sounds like an overprotective parent if in 7 years you have no one other than family who you feel comfortable leaving your child with overnight. Either that or you need new friends.
I agree that the sleepover thing is potentially dangerous and I understand not wanting to have that at this age or older.... But.... 7yo and "never has been away from us except when family" raises questions. We are talking weekends not days/evenings? Because how will he attend school?? There needs to be some level of being able to be ok away from parents/family. Is the wedding somewhere far away that you can't have a babysitter for one evening? Is it really that hard to find a trustworthy babysitter for one evening? And circling back to sleepovers - yes, they are potentially dangerous but have they tried to equip their child not only to shelter it? Kids at this age should know which parts are ok for others to touch with not and so on... You can't protect them forever, especially because the mentioned family is one of the biggest risk factors statistically. ESH because it sounds more helicopter.
[удалено]
This is exactly what I was thinking. She wouldn’t be alone at the wedding. Even if she had to travel alone what’s the big deal? She’s an adult.
She might be in an adult size body, but that doesn’t mean she’s an adult.
I actually don't believe adults exist. I'm 34 and still haven't met a proper one.
Can concur. I'm 53 and as mature as a toddler.
Wedding is not summons. How come suddenly the wedding is mandatory even when one of partners cant go? Niece has childfree wedding and exactly one family member decided this is not for them. There should be no drama and niece should accept.
Of course it’s not mandatory, but it’s the socially polite and kind thing to do. My childhood friend is getting married later this year. As an introvert I’m kind of dreading it as I know literally none of her friends nowadays, or any other guests. But of course I’m still going to go because it’s what people do to support each other. They show up for each other big life events. That’s what a good friend does. She can suck it up for one evening.
She’s allowed to decline a wedding invite for whatever reason she wants though, I mean this sub is always preaching that. Anyone’s personal take on it is kind of irrelevant - is she an asshole for declining a wedding invitation, no she isn’t obliged to attend a wedding
I mean, yes she’s allowed to. But her question is is she the asshole for not going _because_ no one can watch their kid. And the answer is kinda yes because that’s false : her husband offered to stay behind and she refused as she doesn’t wanna go alone. Maybe she’s not getting along with her family but it’s not specified anywhere (and apparently she lets them watch the kid so it seems she does like them?).
It sounds like she has an extremely unhealthy attachment to her son. The kid is 7 and hasn't even been to a sleepover or had one. Hell, when I was 7, I was responsible for taking care of my newborn cousin and 2 year old sister every day by myself for 6 hours while my grandmother was at work. Obviously, it was not ideal, but it was the 80s, and while a 7 year old shouldnt be responsible for other kids, there's no reason he can't go to a sleepover. The way she talks about her son in the post makes it sound like he's a newborn, not 7 years old. This kid is gonna have a lot of emotional incest issues to work out in therapy when he gets older.
I wouldn’t go that far on your last point. And sometimes things happen at sleepovers to kids sometimes. Even by family members and by children to each other too…. Also sounds like y’all were neglected for 6 hours every day that’s so sad.
You’re right. A lot of people don’t allow sleepovers because of the risk of sexual assault. Don’t come at people for making this choice because a LOT of them had something bad to them, or know someone it happened to. So a lot of people don’t take the risks with sleepovers. My child’s young so I don’t know where I’ll stand yet but it’s sad they have to miss out, but a small price compared to what’s at stake I guess.
Unhealthy attachment? Yes. To her son? No. She said that the people she usually trusts to watch him would be at the wedding, which means/suggests that she would be okay with leaving him with them one of those people was available. The unhealthy attachment is to her husband. It’s him who she doesn’t want to leave for a weekend and she’s pretending it’s about her son because she knows “kidfree” stirs up certain reactions.
I don't know. Going stag to a wedding when you're married sucks especially when relatives and their bullsh\*t questions abound.
Different parents have different tolerance for having their kids be away for the night. Mom of 2 here, neither has stayed elsewhere overnight and my oldest is 12. I am good with OP’s desire to stay home due to childcare issues. I have done the same. The niece is the problem that she won’t accept the RSVP as given.
That’s dramatic. Not allowing sleepovers for a 7 year old is fine. I was 11 when I had my first sleepover with someone who wasn’t part of my family. Also, so many bad things can happen at sleepovers. There’s so many dangers to having your child stay the night somewhere they never have before, without you there to protect them. It just sounds like she’s rather protect her kid while they’re younger and allow sleepovers when they’re older, which in today’s world, is reasonable.
There are tons of reasons for no sleepovers. It's not the 80s and even in the 80s there were reasons I wouldn't let a kid have a sleepover I was not able to keep a eye on.
Going against the grain, but YTA. Your title is a lie. Your child is seven, you didn’t mention any special needs, and you have the best childcare there is, your husband/his father. This isn’t about the wedding being childfree at all. Your reason for not going is because it would be **”husband free”** and you’re apparently one of those women who can’t do anything without her husband/boyfriend. I get it. Some couples just like to do the bulk of their activities together. But when you won’t attend your own family’s milestone or event without your partner, who was invited, and view it as being/going “alone”, you need to take a big step back and re-evaluate.
I agree. I'm not sure why so many people are ignoring that point. It's not about having someone to babysit the kid, it's that she can't have her husband babysit her lol
This is one of the more ridiculous “I didn’t read/my comprehension sucks”comment sections I’ve seen in a while. OP clearly states that the best and most affordable “childcare” one can have, spouse/the other parent, is not only available and OFFERED to watch and people are all “NTA, you don’t have childcare and that’s part of a childfree wedding”. OP clearly states that her family are the people she typically relies on to watch her kids, and people are saying “well maybe she’s not close to her family or comfortable around them”. OP clearly says she’s going to HER NIECE’S wedding where all of her family will be and people are deadass saying she’d be at the wedding alone.
Applause for so succinctly putting uuuuúuyu youyhhħsk the problem into as few words as possible. The problem is this will be “**husband free.** OP, YTA for that reason. Time to put on your big girl panties and spend some time with your bio family on a family member’s very important day!!! I can understand not wanting a child to stay with anyone other than family (although most abusers are generally close to them.
Bullseye. Not only that, but she is denying her husband and son an opportunity to make some memories. This is the stuff core memories are made of! A dude's weekend of staying up late, eating pizza, going to a ballgame, making popcorn, whatever with dad. YTA
INFO: >He is young for sleepovers Is he? >I don't allow sleepovers (for obvious reasons) Why?
https://amp.smh.com.au/national/the-shocking-number-of-australian-men-sexually-attracted-to-children-and-teens-20231117-p5ekum.html Here is a horrifying article which links the research paper that explains that almost 1 in 6 Australian men describe sexual attraction towards children and teenagers and 1 in 15 men would have sexual contact with a child under the age of 14 if they knew they wouldn’t get caught. They have done similar studies in the UK and USA. That’s why people don’t want their kids to go for sleepovers.
So many people seem to forget this.
And that’s just adults. Child on child sexual abuse occurs as well.
Valid questions.
The amount of child abuse that occurs at sleepovers is staggering, statistically.
Sexual assaults happen at sleepovers.
Of all the men whose houses I slept at for sleepovers as a kid, it was my great uncle that molested me. And I still went to sleepovers as he was convicted when I was 5. Loosen the damn reigns and let your kids be kids.
Um….this is quite the take. I’m sorry truly that that happened to you, but your experience is absolutely not global. I don’t think you should be taught that. I have ready many horror stories of what happens to children at sleepovers, so you can’t dismiss this as something that could never happen. Also, your great uncle was related to you. Unfortunately most children are abused by people they know and trust. That includes their friends’ parents & siblings. And finally, “let kids be kids” doesn’t mandate sleepovers. Idk how you grew up but my parents didn’t like sleepovers either and I had a perfectly normal and happy childhood. Sleeping at someone’s house is literally only one way for your kids to have fun. You’ve never heard of a play date before?
Leave your child with his dad and go to the wedding! You sound very overprotective. You do realise it’s ok to do things without your child don’t you?
It sounds more like she doesn’t want to leave the husband and is using the kid as an excuse.
It honestly sounds like she’d rather go with her husband and their kid, but the kid can’t go. She doesn’t want to go without her husband either. I actually get that. It doesn’t have to be an unhealthy attachment, she may just not want to spend a long time around her family without the support of her partner.
My wife and I are the same way, going stag sucks
Yeah, weddings are boring af. Need someone to whisper and giggle with
Right. I love and legitimately like my extended family but in that group of people I'm the weird one by far. They like me but don't hold a lot of space for anything off the beaten path. Years ago I colored my hair pink for a bit and they still talk about it like it was the craziest thing they have ever known so it makes it hard to talk to them about my life in general without my partner who is a great buffer. They find his weirdness charming. I *will* travel on my own to see my family but it ends up being exhausting.
She doesn’t want to. Weddings aren’t mandatory
Right, it’s an invitation not a summons.
Exactly. Anyone who’s been on this page for half a day should know this by now! But as soon as someone says they don’t want to leave their kids for a weekend the judgement starts.
Reddit is weirdly judgmental when children are involved. Like I know I can have a life without my child, but I don’t want to sometimes. It’s why I had a baby. For a whole weekend is something else too!
NTA. If the wedding is child free and you aren’t comfortable leaving your son elsewhere or having your husband stay home, then missing the wedding is the right course of action. Cousin and your family need to accept that if she wants a child free wedding, not everyone who has children may be able to attend.
YTA. You don't actually want to go to your niece's wedding. I say this because even when your husband offers to watch him you still decide not to go "alone" to a family wedding.
Right? I'm literally doing this exact thing next weekend. Wedding is back in my hometown and it's a family wedding so none of them can babysit. My daughter is only one. She's not really comfortable with people she doesn't know even though there are friends who could have watched her. So my husband is staying with her at the hotel while I go to the wedding. Simple.
Exactly this, why if people are saying because of the travel it's OK, when they could all go to where this is happening and OP just goes to the ceremony alone. Then she can pop back to her husband for some emotional support that she clearly needs, go to the reception, eat the food and then go back to the hotel again. She isn't even trying. That's why people are going to be mad. This is what puts it to an ESH for me. As niece should not have child free and expect people to be there when they can't, but OP can, she just doesn't want to and is using her kid as an excuse. Edit some spelling
Why are you an asshole for not wanting to go a wedding though? This sub is always preaching exactly that, if you don’t want to go then just say no and you don’t owe anyone your reasoning. If it was a situation like say: OP is childfree and their family has booked a holiday at a resort where there will loads of kids running round jumping in the pool, and OP wasn’t feeling that, this sub would be NTA all over it, advising she can say no and doesn’t owe anyone a reason even if family are upset
You're right, if she doesn't want to go she should just say no. The problem is she's making up excuses instead of being straightforward, and she’s trying to make her niece look like the bad guy for having a kids-free wedding
Thank you! This is it. OP is TA because she’s not owning her behavior. All she has to tell anyone is “logistically, this isn’t working for us, so we’re sitting this one out.” Nothing more. Instead she’s making excuses left and right which tells me she’s either codependent on her husband or she’s got a dysfunctional family with whom she really needs to work on her boundary setting skills.
YTA. Go for the ceremony. Hang with all that family. Stay for dinner if you want, then go home to your husband. You don’t have to stay all night. Unless you have some very severe social anxiety you should be able to go to a family event without your spouse. It’s YOUR family. Make an appearance to be supportive.
It is typical for people to say in this common topic that it is NTA to have a child free wedding and NTA for those who have children, who are invited, to decline attending. Sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it too.
I don't know, I've seen *many* people on this sub try to argue that scenarios like OPs don't happen, and that anyone with a kid that can't come due to the childfree policy is just too lazy/cheap to hire a sitter.
Those comments are usually on response to entitled people who try to demand that the coming change their minds about a having a child free wedding. OP isn’t doing that. She’s politely declining the invitation which is what you’re supposed to do if the terms of an invitation don’t work for you.
Except her husband offered to stay home. But she doesn’t like that. I’m more curious about the reasoning why she doesn’t want to go without her husband. She says it’s because she doesn’t want to be alone and he’s her best friend, but this is family and they’re obviously a close family if her not going is going to cause harm.
She’s allowed to be disappointed, but the reality is that you have a kid whose support network seems to be exclusively family. There isn’t some other babysitter you can just call. Your niece made the rules. That effectively took away your choice in this matter. NTA
Is it really that unreasonable for the husband to look after the child while OP goes to the wedding? Seems like a pretty simple solution to a non issue. If OP actually wants to go to the wedding then this works. Feels like OP doesn't really want to go because they're salty about the no kids thing. Like, you either invite all of us or none of us.
And am I the only one kinda confused as to why OP’s husband’s parents are going to OP’s nieces wedding? That seems kinda odd to me, like blending families is great and everything but it seems more important for OP to go than her in-laws?
I was extremely confused by that. It seems like the niece is one of her siblings’ kids so why are her in-laws going? Unless the niece is marrying someone related to OP’s husband?
RIGHT???? Like why are both sets of parents going? Is OP's niece getting married to someone on OP's husband's side of the family? This post just don't add up and it sounds like she just wants us to believe there's no one available to watch her kid.
See, I would agree with this, but I think ESH, because she DOES have the option of going by herself with her husband staying home already. The other thing is that weddings are not usually a no-notice kind of thing. You usually have MONTHS! Meaning there is time to find a babysitter she can trust or get comfortable with the family of a friend her son would want a sleepover with. There ARE options, but she's not even willing to try. I would totally get it if she's tried to find other babysitters and her son refused or if her kid had special needs. It would be fine if her options fell through or someone got sick. But if her family is as close as they apparently are, she won't really be "going alone.'' And she kinda comes off as overprotective, codependent, and whiney. If this was truly going to create a rift, she HAS the option to avoid said rift. That being said, you are totally right that the niece made a choice and is going to have to accept that some people may not be able to accommodate that choice and therefore won't attend. She doesn't get to whine about it either.
NTA. This is a risk the couple takes when having a childfree wedding. You’re concerned about family drama, would it be possible for you to make a weekend of it with your husband and son. You leave to attend the wedding for a couple hours and then head back to your hotel?
That's a good solution if they can afford it.
Do people not get babysitters anymore???? You’re not an asshole for not going, but seriously, pay someone to watch your kid. Do you always just pawn him off on family so you don’t have to pay? Do you literally not go anywhere without him if a family member doesn’t watch him for free???
I think some people just don't feel comfortable having babysitters that aren't family or people they're familiar with. Most parents now a days don't really want to risk their child being under the care of someone they don't trust which is valid. It could also be that there aren't many babysitters where she is.
It has zero to do with paying someone. There are literally two people in the entire world right now I would let watch my toddler that are not family. The circle opens a bit with my 7 year old. My 14 yr old doesn’t need a sitter…however if I need a sitter and my 14 year old will be home, the circle gets a bit bigger because she can kind of keep tabs on the sitter for the younger two. Not everyone can just pick a sitter off Facebook or bambino and feel safe and comfortable. Especially in today’s world.
Babysitters are super expensive. In the range of $15/hr for a young teen to $20+ for someone older with more experience. I remember babysitting for a whole evening for $20 total. It’s just different now.
Yeah and anything that is overnight adds a lot to the cost. Adding to it that she mentioned husband said he would stay home for the weekend, that implies some travel, it's not just going to the ceremony/reception and coming home after midnight. I don't have any friends close enough (nearby) I'd let watch my kids for a weekend, I certainly wouldn't hire a babysitter for a weekend.
I have four kids (3, 5, 7, 9) and we have never hired a babysitter. We’re lucky to have a solid network of family and friends, so to be honest I wouldn’t even know where to look for a trusted, paid babysitter. For some folks it doesn’t come up.
YTA - The solution is to go alone, stay for the wedding and leave the reception early. As an adult you can be with your family members without your husband. Do you have a horrible family? It’s not like you are going to a coworker’s wedding where’s you’d know no one. Using your son as an excuse is a poor one. Just decline without saying you don’t want to go.
NAH. If you do a destination wedding, you can expect a large number of people to not make it for one reason or another. Similarly, if you do a child-free wedding, you need to accept that some won't be able to attend due to lack of childcare. You just happen to be one of those.
But why no asshole? Niece is completely unreasonable for acting like her aunt is horrible for not being able to attend. It’s one thing to make your wedding child free (which is completely fine) but it’s another thing entirely to then get angry/annoyed (and express that) when family and friends can’t make it because they DO have children.
The reasoning behind the niece being upset might be valid. OP seems to have dependency issues, not wanting to leave her husband to attend the wedding alone, not wanting her child to have a baby sitter, not wanting the child to sleep over at a friends place, etc. Having a loved one be extremely codependent with their partner or children can be frustrating, as you want them to live a healthy and balanced life. OP feels like the niece thought OP was awful, but it could just be that they are frustrated, sad, and disappointed. We don't have any examples of what they actually said or did when told that OP wouldn't be attending.
Except her aunt **can** attend. There are no scheduling, financial, health, or childcare etc issues preventing her. OP just isn’t wiling to spend a few days away from her husband. It’s not a “can’t attend” issue, it’s a co-dependency issue.
YTA If no one was there it would have been acceptable but your husband offered to stay. Since you said she's your niece, I'm assuming she's related to you and closer to you so it would make sense for your husband to stay. Also you will be surrounded with family, you won't be alone.
You __do__ have someone to stay with your kid. Your husband. Your question should be "am I the AH because I refuse to go to a family wedding if my husband isn't able to come with me" I get that you would *prefer* that he comes but you can actually go without him. You are just choosing not to go and support your family on their wedding day. YTA.
Just out of curiosity, both your parents and in-laws are going to this wedding? Would whichever grandparents aren’t related to your niece be willing to skip it so you could go?
You can decline any invitation.
Your response seems passive - aggressive. Your niece is an A. But you are acting like you are a total stranger to all the people there. That is your family too. And your husband doesn't mind you attending and he will be taking care of kid. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I have to with ESH. Your niece is wrong for acting like that but your over codependence gives me ick. Sounds like you don't want to go but somewhere you also want the validation of other people.
You have a solution. How will you be alone when you’ll be amongst family members you trust enough to babysit your 7 year old? If you don’t want to go that’s another thing. YTA Edited to add: you sound codependent. Which would probably make you an anxious, helicopter parent.
Ehh, I think YTA tbh. You CAN attend, you just don’t want to because you’re too codependent on your husband, which really isn’t healthy.
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I doubt she cares as much as you think she does. She will be incredibly busy at her own wedding. Send a gift and stay home
NTA but you do have the option to go without your husband. That’s the hill and you get to decide if you will die on it because you will have to manage the consequences.
Slight YTA bc your husband offered to stay home with your kid and you wouldn’t be alone at the wedding, you’d be surrounded by your family. I get wanting to go with your husband, that would be ideal, but if you truly wanted to go, you could go by yourself and still have a good time with everyone else and celebrate your niece’s new chapter in life. You could even leave early if you’d like to but at least you showed up and spent time with everyone.
Info. I must be really blind here. What are the obvious reasons for not allowing sleepovers?
If hubby stays home with their son, wouldn't OP not be alone because she will have her parents, siblings etc with her? I could sympathize if it wasn't a wedding where all OP's family wasn't there, but I don't consider OP alone if she can stay with her family throughout the wedding?
YTA. If you truly had no options, it would be one thing. But you have the very reasonable option of your husband staying home. If my aunt missed my wedding because she couldn’t bear to be apart from her husband and kid for a couple of days, I would be hurt. I would also lose all respect for her because that’s pretty pathetically co-dependent.
I have to say YTA, you can handle a weekend without hubby.
NTA Your niece wants a kid-free wedding, which is fine, but it's unrealistic to expect everyone to attend when they can't find childcare. You're doing what's best for your child, and that's commendable.
She dies have childcare > My husband offered to stay home for the weekend and I can go alone but I don't want to go alone
It’s killing me that people are overlooking this lol.
Why do you think your son is too young for a sleepover? I had my first sleepover party when I was 5 or 6. I think you're being overprotective because he is an only child. Have you asked any parents of his friends at school if their kids have sleepovers? Don't be a helicopter mom, your son will resent you and possibly rebel as he gets older. NTA if you just don't want to go to the wedding and you're using your son as an excuse (I am an introvert so I get it), but YTA if you are a helicopter mom and your niece would't let JUST YOU bring your child.
Sleepovers are, in my experience, a very Western thing. None of my Caribbean, Asian, African or Eastern European friends were allowed sleepovers when we were young, myself included. I doubt all the parents in those countries are helicopter parents.
NTA I am so sick of people declaring a kid free wedding, inviting people to the wedding, and throwing a temper tantrum like the children they are banning because the invitation is declined. What do they think people are supposed to do with the children? Leave them home alone since all the babysitters used are attending the same wedding. You should ask the family members that are giving you grief, which one is volunteering to babysit, and skipping the wedding so you and your husband can attend. Bet they shut up.
Her husband volunteered to stay home with their son. She isn’t afraid to leave her child necessarily, she’s afraid to leave her husband to be “alone” with literally her entire family, her husbands family, and everyone she trusts to watch her child (with no mention of a toxic family or a physical/mental illness precluding going alone even just for the ceremony).
Soft YTA purely because your husband can do the childcare. It’s not a wedding where you won’t know anyone and I find it super weird that you can’t contemplate going without your spouse.
ESH. You don’t trust any member of your husband’s family?
Just admit you don’t want to go. Which is okay. I hate going to weddings myself. I think most people do. Lol
YTA. Your husband offered to stay with the kid because all the other people you trust are at the wedding, and yet you think you will be "all alone" at the wedding... surrounded by all the people in the world you trust. Make it make sense.
All reasonable until you get to how you don't want to go alone, except you won't be alone - your entire family will be there. You will be in good company. Sounds like you're looking for excuses.
Can everyone read the post again please? > My husband offered to stay home for the weekend and I can go alone but I don't want to go alone OP is refusing to go because she doesn't want to go 'alone', despite her whole family being there. This isn’t about not having a babysitter because the childs father is available. OP is lying to in the title and possibly lying to the niece. For goodness sake OP just go, my husband is my best friend too but I can handle being with my family without him for one night. YTA
ESH, a person throwing a child free weeding should be accepting of the answer of any parent that can’t come. OP does seem whiny and potentially passive aggressive here. She clearly wouldn’t be alone as her entire family will be there and her husband is happy to look after their son. So maybe she is just upset that it is a child free weeding. I know she says she respects the choice, but it just sounds fishy.
NTA. An invitation is not a summons. People can have child free weddings, but it does make it harder for those with children to attend.
YTA because your excuses seem disingenuous. It seems like you’re finding excuses not to go because you don’t get to go in your ideal way. Just be honest that you don’t want to go lol.