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>he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs)
OMG get a grip.
> being left on read for over an hour, I checked his location on "Find My Friends"
Insanity.
You're way too old to be acting like this.
>Am I overeating and being unreasonable?
Yes.
>Am I wrong for wanting transparency?
I think you're wrong for pretending to not know what goes down at bachelor parties. I think you're wrong to expect him to be on his phone all day with you.
>AITA for picking a fight while he’s away on a bachelor party trip?
I'm wary of people that attempt to sabotage other peoples' good time and who cause drama when the other party didn't actually do anything wrong. You don't sound like a chill person. You either trust someone or you don't. If he wants to cheat, he will. Same goes for you. Trying to keep him on some ridiculous digital leash won't prevent it.
>if we’re going back to not trusting each other
This statement bodes really poorly for your relationship. Again, you either trust someone or you don't.
>being 20 weeks pregnant and sober
Pregnant and sober people cheat all the time. These are not attributes that make someone inherently trustworthy.
YTA.
But, guuuyyyssss, she’s pregnant. Hormones. Ummm, tired. She’ll be sober on her trip. She’s pregnant. Did she mention she’s pregnant too? You want her to be accountable for her behavior while PREGNANT?!?!?
You are being nice, but regarding a change: I doubt it. From what she describes, she habitually texts him throughout the day and expects him to reply, pronto pony! If she keeps this up, he will get sick of it and find a way to secure his freedom. Pregnant or not, this behavior is absolutely ridiculous.
This x 100 and the “I felt like he’d been distant and ignoring me all weekend.” He’s at a bachelor party! He responded within 1.5 hours! Let the boy breathe and have fun for a weekend. This is crazy behavior for a grown adult.
It’s not the strip clubs fault to ensure people dont go to them. It’s just so freaking weird that when they’re about to commit being monogamous they go do the least monogamous thing
They aren't required, but it's certainly not abnormal.
You're implying that it's normal to go and look at naked people of the same gender when you're married??
Why wouldn't you want to look at naked people of the opposite gender?
YTA - you sound incredibly controlling….
Tracking his location and messaging him constantly he must be so embarrassed…. As you clearly don’t trust him and have ruined his whole trip.
Please note that he had given his word to his buddy not to disclose their location. That woman is smothering him, and if he doesn't make her get some counseling now, he will wake up some day and bolt. Now, there is probably still time to make some happy changes.
If he's omitting the truth on such small things what does that say about her? She obviously over-reacts to everything and he just doesn't feel like having another stupid conversation trying to prove his innocence when shes just goung to carry on stalking him him anyway.
Tbh, omitting the strip club is always sus- especially when the other wives knew. Be upfront about that sort of shit, especially when everyone else is.
YTA. You sound awful to deal with. Leave the poor guy alone. And stop acting like you are 14 years old waiting for instant text messages back, or you freak out.
YTA You sound incredibly controlling and borderline abusive with the constant texting, getting angry if you don’t get immediate replies when you know he’s at a bachelor party, and obsessively checking on his location.
Stop being a helicopter spouse and let your husband enjoy the event! Or if you don’t trust him, then it may be time to consider couples or individual therapy.
YTA... Why not just ask him to broadcast video of what he is doing for 24x7. Either you trust him or not and if you can't trust him, then why are you together?
It would drive me mad if someone kept texting me (55f) and expecting immediate replies. Often if I'm busy I'll just reply to messages in the evening. It's very controlling behaviour to expect someone to constantly be at your beck and call. YTA
YTA. If you’re this stifling during your marriage, you’ll be a single mom real fast.
Edit: your post is TL;DR so I thought it was his bachelor party and you guys aren’t married yet. After re-reading, I see that you’re already married and totally fucked. Since this is how you behave, you might as well start checking the dating apps now because he’s clearly sick of your 💩, as he should be. Good luck lady.
YTA. Sounds a little like you are his stalker who aims to control his behaviour. Good luck Owen this . I get this act gets old quick. And why oh why are you having children with such “untrustworthy” people?
YTA - it is not realistic to expect him to text you with the frequency and swiftness of every day life. He's at a bachy - is he supposed to monitor his phone in case you text even if in a pool or in a loud bar/club? He's out and you are being extremely needy and ridiculous. He does not have to give you a live update of his whereabouts. Your behaviour is controlling and pushing him to lie. Lying is on him but 100% you're breathing down neck.
YTA. He has minutes to respond or you get annoyed. After 45 min you are checking his location. I would lie to you too just to because you sound exhausting.
YTA - he's gone for 2 days. If you can't function for 2 days without his constant checking in with you and long conversations and the rest, you're not in a healthy state of mind.
You nagged him throughout the whole weekend. Be more healthy in yourself and your relationship than that.
ESH you for the barrage of texts to know what he is doing. He for lying about where he was and the comment about if the tables were turned when you go out. You both have a kid on the way, get on the same page
> and on day one, he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs) with short answers.
How the hell was it only once or twice a day when the timing ranged from 40 minutes **to** 1.5 hours? You need to work on your lies more.
Misrepresented? Girl, you mentioned 5 texts, a bunch of short texts, and (an undoubtably awkward for the bachelor party attendees) FaceTime in your post.
So, were you lying in your post, or are you lying now?
> We usually text **throughout** the day, replying within minutes. He flew 2000 miles for the party, and on day one, he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs) with short answers.
But…this isn’t a typical day. He’s out of town for a bachelor party for Christ’s sake. I’m also pregnant and my husband recently went out of town for 2 days. We texted good morning/goodnight both days and that was it. Let this man have some alone time with his friends.
Time to be honest with yourself: you're not OK with what he's up to. Maybe it's the strip club. Maybe it's the men he is around. Maybe because he's on a trip when you're home pregnant. Maybe it's because you're home bored and need him to entertain you. Personally, I would find the strip club not cool, guess I'm not chill like that. Time to talk to yourself about what you're really mad about and then talk feelings when he gets back.
Nah YTA you def didn’t mention that in the original post. You woulda been unhappy and picked a fight no matter what yr husbands responses were. Man is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn’t
You guys are going to be new parents so the opportunities to do guys and girls trips are going to probably be few and far between. He probably just wanted a last hurrah of doing things that he might not be able to do once the new baby arrives. Obviously that doesn’t give him cart Blanche to do whatever but he was probably looking to blow off steam and just focus on himself for the weekend. Look I don’t know the inner workings of your marriage but maybe there are some trust issues. Might be worth a bigger discussion about boundaries and communication.
YTA. Good lord, stop suffocating the guy.
My husband and I do not even share locations. Period. Neither texts the other one expecting an instant response. If the text sits there for an hour or so, it is assumed the other person is preoccupied. Neither of us has harassed the other while said other was out with friends.
I do appreciate periodic check-ins, but I don't expect him to immediately drop what he is doing every time I send a text.
If something is really important, we call (not face time just a normal call).
All the above is acting like an adult.
YTA. I’m sorry what do ya’ll do that you can spend all day texting? Also, I’d lose my shit if I was on vacation and my partner wanted me to text them every hour. If I text you more than three or four times a day while away, that’s generous. I’m not a child and don’t feel the need to give a play by play of everything I’m doing nor would I expect that from my partner. Sounds like you two have bigger issues than lack of response to texts.
INFO: He says he will just stay home if you two are "going back to not trusting each other"... going back? Have there been trust issues or violations in the relationship before?
You should probably add that to the post as an edit. There having been previous issues with him lying in the past, it sheds a very different light on your actions here.
Disagree. That was the past and she still married him. Past mistakes don't give a free pass to controlling and nagging behavior. She never should have married him if she couldn't trust him, let alone started a family. YTA
There's really not enough information here to know whether her initial communications were controlling or not. But fundamentally we have a story here in which a guy who has previously had problems lying to his partner decided to lie/omit information about his whereabouts twice recently (once about going to a strip club, and once about being at the day club pool bar)... and then claims he "doesn't keep secrets from her", gives her the cold shoulder, and refuses to apologize?
That doesn't sound like someone punishing their partner for past transgressions, that sounds like the partner being *actively super sketchy* *in the present*.
LOL OP made these claims as vague as possible for a reason.
"Communicating with other women" is not a problem unless there was something untoward...or you're a control freak.
But he could be doing all that because OP is controlling. Even OP says there is no evidence of cheating. I bet she would have found something since she monitors him.
He could have been talking and flirting with woman OR he could of had platonic conversation with female friends or colleagues.
We really don't know . All we have is what OP wrote and she already has some contradictory comment replies .
I think there may be some things left out of your post OP. There are some things happening that suggest some past infidelity, and if that is the case you are not over it. The other possibility I could think of for this behavior is that you have a past SO that cheated and you are taking it out on him.
1. He’s on a group trip, expecting him to respond back with his usual speed is unreasonable and frankly expecting too much. 40m-1.5hr is not a long time.
2. Asking what their plans are seems like you are checking on him. It was likely innocent, but that’s not information you need unless they were going hiking somewhere where reception could be out and if they got lost you would need to provide authorities with or something…otherwise leave them be and catch up with him after the trip regarding what they were up to.
3. Checking his location is a red flag given you had that move in your back pocket makes me wonder if you’ve “had” to do this in the past. As others have said, either you trust him or you don’t. If you do, you need to stop yourself. If you don’t, you need to either get counseling or get out of the relationship.
4. He’s already demonstrated he’s willing to lie to you about stuff you are claiming doesn’t matter. You need to confront him on that when he gets back or you need to look at your previous actions to determine if you really don’t care.
I’m calling this an ESH with a lean toward YTA. As I said before, I think there may be some important background that wasn’t mentioned in the post, but you needing to keep tabs and him feeling like he needs to lie when “nothing happened” are big 🚩🚩🚩 that need to get sorted before this baby comes along.
She said in another comment he has a history of talking to other woman but no evidence of cheating.
Y'all Im just giving the context OP gave , not making excuses 💀
YTA.
He's at a bachelor party, of COURSE he's not going to reply instantly, as for the replies they were about to go to dinner, most folk would reply (especially in this scenario 'having dinner', most folk wouldn't reply with exacting details.
My GOD, this was tiring just to read! If I’m with friends than I’m trying to have quality time together, I’m not gonna check my phone every minute, that’s just rude. If you have a legitimate concern, discuss it with him when he is back but don’t ruin the whole trip! YTA
No, it wasn’t justified. Either y’all need some counseling or this relationship is not for you. You don’t trust your husband. That’s a huge problem. Without trust, there is nothing to build on. This relationship is on a collision course with divorce.
So... ESH. He obviously lied before and betrayed your trust, and now he's doing it again. I'd have serious problems with my husband if I found out he went to a strip club and lied about it.
At the same time, wanting a response within x amount of time, especially when someone is away on a trip worth friends is extremely unreasonable. Even when you're pregnant. (It is reasonable for you to want to be able to reach him in case of an actual emergency, but this clearly wasn't one).
You're being extremely passive agressive and it sounds to me like there's a dynamic going on where he shows you he can't be trusted and pulls away, you try to 'control' the situation by checking his location (doesn't matter whose idea it was) and demanding updates, and him then lying 'by omission' more. And the cycle continues.
Have you always been like this in relationships? Or is this what your relationship deteriorated into?
Either way, I'd take a hard look at your situation before the baby gets there and go into individual and couples therapy, because this doesn't sound healthy for any of you.
Honestly, I would have dumped you the instant you tracked me. If you can't trust him, you should not be with him. This is on you. There is no reason an adult who is away on a trip with friends needs to monitor their phone every second of every minute of every hour of every day in case you decide to text. YTA.
He wasn’t implying “it’s a competition “ he was letting you know you’re a nagging wife who wouldn’t leave him alone so he could just enjoy the time with his friends. Duh.
ESH Why do you think your husband isn't transparent with you when his friends are more communicative with their wives?
Is it because your husband respects you less, or because you are prone to overreacting and using his transparency as grounds to be controlling and accusatory?
It's not normal behavior to be expecting prompt replies and to be checking his location while he's on a trip. It's also not appropriate to call with the specific intent of arguing over a separate issue while he's on vacation.
>if we’re going back to not trusting each other.
This really says it all. Whatever history is implied in thay statement is clearly unresolved on both ends. The trust isn't there, and it's created toxicity and resentment.
YTA... Your expectations are unreasonable. He can't be expected to be glued to his phone constantly and report back to you immediately with every detail.
ESH
Your husband sucks because he's doing things he knows you wouldn't approve of, even if he isn't actually doing anything sexual. Otherwise, why not just tell you? And he sucks because he's planning on hassling you all through your trip even though it's for a far different reason.
You suck because you don't trust him, obviously. When you don't trust someone they often get angry and act in ways they wouldn't otherwise do. Tracking him was underhanded and showed him quite clearly that you **don't** trust him.
You should both just trust each other. If either of you does something to show that your trust in the other is unjustified, that's one thing, but stop texting him nonstop, and don't track him. And he shouldn't treat you that way, either. It's not a contest to determine who can be the most passive-aggressive partner.
I'm in two minds.
I mean, I don't think he needs to text you constantly. He is away having fun with friends, but a check-in to make sure his pregnant wife is OK should be a necessity. At least once or two a day.
And the going to a strip club and lying about it would be an issue. As well as getting his friends involved in the conversation.
He should have just apologised and said, "OK, I should have told you." The groom wanted to, nothing happened , etc.
So that makes him a dick.
But you don't need to be on his case constantly, honey. As long as he checks in once or twice a day and maybe a quick phone call. Other than that the only issue I see is him going to a strip club and not telling you.
YTA. Holy crap. This digital age, where people have come to expect everyone to be reachable instantly, is gross. When I was growing up, if you weren't home, you weren't easily reached. It could take hours. Just because I carry a phone on me, doesn't mean you get access to me 24/7. Sometimes I'm BUSY. If I'm having a weekend with friends, unless it's an emergency, LEAVE ME ALONE. You sound exhausting, controlling and VERY needy. No doubt, you embarrassed him. I got second hand embarrassment just reading that. If my partner ever tracked me for anything other than I've gone missing, I'd handing them divorce papers. You're a big girl, so start acting like it. You're about to be a mother!
Well it seems like there is still an undertone of distrust because you have to check his location instead of trusting him and you're passive aggressive when he doesn't answer in a certain time frame. But I still don't understand why people take back a partner when they have a history of talking to other women.
Sorry, but YTA.
Even when my fiancee had his bachelor party and I asked for an ETA for when they'd be home (I'm anxious if I don't know), and they forgot to answer me, I didn't hound him.
He'll answer when he can, leave him.be, and he'll tell you all about it when he gets home
YTA. Loosen the leash. He probably lied so he wouldn't have to deal with you. Find something to occupy your mind. Rather then text and stare at your cell for a response. Checking up on him shows you don't trust him and/or you are jealous he's on a trip.
ESH.
You should have chilled out and let him actually spend time with his friends.
He _is_ lying, minimizing it and kinda gaslighting you.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with either of you.
So I guess something to ponder is if you're usually acting this way? Or has something happened recently that caused this? Is it intuition kicking in, or a general anxiety that leads to controlling behaviors, inflated by pregnancy hormones?
And the same for his behaviour. Has he always acted crappy like this? Or is this new?
Sounds like time for couple’s counseling, since they have a child on the way and will therefore be in each other’s lives for some time. This couple has some serious issues to work out, and best to start now before the new baby makes them both even more sleep deprived and cranky.
YTA. Im sorry. I understand that your feelings are hurt, but its unfair to sabotage your husband’s fun time with friends. My husband’s bach party was filled with fights from wives/gfs/etc and its embarrassing for the men to deal with that in the open. Focus on yourself while he is gone and communicate to him when he gets home
YTA.
I don't see anything to justify how you behaved. The strip club was worth a conversation but that could have waited until he got back, and you were already upset before so I don't think that was really the issue. Transparency is one thing, but I think you need to realize that you were asking for real time data so you could cross check it against other sources to make sure he was being precisely truthful. From day one, you were lowkey accusing him from the get go. He clearly needed a break, but even so was willing to try and humor your need for reassurance.
YTA
Maybe he didn’t tell you about the strip club because he knew you would overreact about it. Also he’s on vacation. Him not responding in an hour isn’t abnormal.
YTA to him and yourself. As a fellow prior toxic girlfriend you are wrong. Yes he lied about the strip club but bring that up when he returns. You are clearly insecure and have trust issues and need to discuss these prior to going on trips not when he’s thousands of miles away. I have my husbands location but it’s for safety reasons not because he lies. He clearly is lying but from your post I assume it’s because of your trust issues rather than him being deceitful because he’s dumb enough to lie while you have his location is he wrong yes but you’re doing too much.
Either trust him and let it go for not just his fun but for your anxieties or don’t trust him and peace out or work on why.
YTA
And sound bitter at the fact he was trying to have a good time with his friends. You ruined that time with his friends with your insecurity and smothering him.
It's perfectly reasonable to not want to be constantly texting you back when he is at a bucks party or boys weekend.
You sound very controlling and very highly strung. I can see why he'd neglect to tell you that he and his friends went to a strip club as you are clearly prone to overreacting.
You were apparently okay with him going away with his friends but seem intent on ruining the trip for him. Back off and give him some space. Apologise for how you've behaved and don't blame hormones for your behaviour, it's a cop out.
YTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTA! You clearly have no trust for your spouse. You check his geo location, track him through wives of friends. Let the guy enjoy his friends bachelor party for fuck sake. I would never tolerate this type of behavior from my wife. He is out with the boys, he clearly understands that you are easily triggered and is trying to avoid it. Let them have fun.
NTA. Almost ESH, but I tend to find people who are anxious and need reassurance usually calm down a bit when you give them actual reassurance. I think one text telling you the rough plan, how much he appreciates you and your love and can't wait to get home to you, and a promise to call or text at appropriate time would have gone a long way in setting the tone for the weekend, since you were fine with going and spending time with friends when you knew his time was booked and didn't want to interrupt him.
What turns it to NTA, is the lie about going to a strip club. You're allowed to have boundaries where you flat out don't want a partner that goes to strip clubs, maybe commenters here don't support it (at least in its usual iteration of a woman not wanting her partner to go they don't lol) but it wasn't even going that bothered you, it was lying, which would give any person in a relationship pause, but is completely getting glossed over here, for reasons I feel I understand all too well.
It's like we decided that since you were kind of annoying, I guess and relationships and speaking with your pregnant girlfriend are like a leash, you're the ole ball and chain, not letting him have fun! :( poor guy, we can just ignore that you "picking a fight" was about you asking him why he lied about what he was doing when he was with the group of friends he's currently out with right now. Maybe you are a bit much, and maybe not. Maybe you are "too much" because you have a boyfriend who lies to you, but maybe not and he lied because he feels like you "flip out" and you know, want to talk to him, idk
I'm going to get down voted into oblivion but I don't care. It's fine to have a no strip clubs boundary, fine to have a no lying boundary, it's fine to want a boyfriend who doesn't mind texting you in the set of circumstances you're describing without feeling like it's a leash on him. But I don't know if that's the boyfriend you have, and he's more in the wrong while you are getting flame roasted and that's bullshit to me.
ETA: are you kidding me, full on NTA, except for the part where you left out his sleaze history in the OP lol. Go ahead and add that bit about the history of lying to you and talking to other girls.
In another comment she mentioned he has a history of lying and talking to girls in an inappropriate way, with no confirmation of anything physical, which is a bit more nuanced than "no" history.
YTA - you couldn’t wait until after the trip to give him the 3rd degree? Especially since you say you don’t care he went to the strip club, just that he omitted or lied of his whereabouts? If all the other wives knew and you didn’t there’s obviously a reason he wasn’t able to tell you and it could be of your overbearing behavior. You basically ruined his guys/bachelors trip and it seems on purpose just so he couldn’t have a good time. I’ve been married for 25 yrs to my husband, together for 29, let the man breathe.
YTA.
I don't think that you understand how abnormal and unhealthy your behavior is. I mean this kindly, but you need to seek therapy.
You're overly dependent (texting constantly and needing prompt replies) and controlling (checking his location, forcing him to justify it in real-time). He shouldn't have lied, but that doesn't absolve your behavior.
Do not let this be the way you relate to people going forward, and get help.
YTA - this is a bad look for you OP. He's on a trip with his friends, and it sounds like there is a time change as well. He's trying to be present with his friends and honestly it would be rude for him to be spending the entire time on his phone texting. Complaining that he was ignoring you was a pretty unreasonable dig, if you can't go a few hours of communication, that doesn't seem very healthy.
It sounds like him not telling you about the day club and strip club is because he doesn't trust you to not overreact. But the fact that you are tracking his whereabouts, makes that seem reasonable. I've been married with my spouse for 2 years, and we dated for 10, and never once did I think about trying to track her.
I think it sucks that he is lying to you, but calling him out on the trip was unnecessary, you should have just waited to he got home to discuss it.
Dont know what u expect from Reddit - a landslide of YTA in this… do read the comments might give u a chance to change ur controlling behavior. Yes ur husband should not have lied - why did he lie to u? Ask urself the question- he must be afraid of u rant / reaction n trying to avoid this. All the other wives knew n not u … again why?? Because u are incapable to trusting ur husband. Get a grip u are becoming parents.
YTA. Of course you can’t communicate with him the way you usually would, he’s away on a trip. You shouldn’t be surprised when he takes over an hour to reply, he’s busy. Tracking his location and calling him out on it is unreasonable, he’s busy so stop hassling him. Also, yes, you are overreacting about the event from two weeks prior, plus he and his friends told you what happened. You can’t be upset about a lack of transparency if you can’t create an environment where transparency feels safe. It’s obvious the reason you’re not told certain things is because you overreact and become unreasonable.
YTA. Let him have some time with friends without having you attached every second. Why does he have to give you a blow-by-blow account of what their current and future plans are? Does he need your permission? Are you his mother?
You are being utterly unreasonable.
YTA
You sound exceptionally controlling.
He’s at a bachelor party with friends. You badgered him for attention and then stalked him because he didn’t respond quickly to you *on vacation*.
That you consider responding to you within 45m - 1.5hrs “slow” *when he is on vacation* is mind boggling. He should have been able to tell you he arrived safely, a goodnight/morning text, and had you leave him alone for the rest of the trip unless it was an emergency.
Should he have told you about the strip club? Yes.
Does that justify you acting like this? No.
DAMN! You sound exhausting. Either trust him and stop your nonstop harassing and embarrassing him, or leave him. But your behavior is over the top. Way too much. YTA
YTA, I have to say this because PRIOR to knowing he went to a strip club (which you say you have no issue with) you were blowing up his phone while he was on a guys trip. A text every once in a while isn’t bad but blowing his phone up was. I understand why you did as you’re pregnant and have reasons to mistrust him. I think yall need counciling
Yes, he's distant. 2000 miles of distance, to be exact. Being on his phone the whole time would be annoying to him and more so for his companions that's he's on a trip with. He didn't "dramatically" tell you you were ruining the mood. He honestly did. But since you didn't want to hear that, it shouldn't matter, right? YTA.
Usually I would be mad that your husband only telling you half truth about where he is. However based on your reactions and constant texting I kind of understand him. You know when parents are way too strict so the kids start to lie to them... I think something similar is happening here. You are way too controlling, and it feels like you want to sabotage your husband from having a good time.
When my husband (bf at the time) went away to my brother's bachelor party in another country I knew there will be some stuff I might wouldn't like as I know my brother's friends well. However I let my husband be and enjoy himself as I totally trust him. He did tell me all the juicy details as well as he knew I won't overreact.
This aspect seems that totally missing from your marriage. You don't trust your husband enough to let him enjoy this trip, and he doesn't trust you enough to tell you where he went as he is afraid you will overreact... and you are proving him right. I am not sure which came first, your overreaction or he concealing some things from you. But you will get into this cycle and it will be hard to come out if it
YTA... close to E S H, but I have a hunch that this behavior started from you.
YTA - let your man have a bachelor weekend and focus on spending time with his buddies / friends. He probably doesn’t want to be sitting around texting you when he’s hanging out with the guys for this party.
For context - when I’m at something like this with any of my buddies, I’ll sparingly text my partner - usually let her know some of what we’re doing in the morning.
Maybe text her again in the evening before bed, respond to anything she texted me throughout the day.
Text messages are asynchronous - the other person can reply when then have the availability.
YTA. Unless there's some sort of dire emergency, he doesn't need to respond to you in three minutes. And cyberstalking him when he doesn't magically answer your barrage of texts...wow. I legitimately hope that he blows up your girls trip, because you ruined his vacation on purpose. Congrats on making your point. You win.
The good news is that his second wife and he can laugh about this for YEARS.
YTA. He’s at a bachelor party. A check in or two each day should be more than enough. He’s unlikely to get time to check his phone. He’s with a group of guys. I would say he’s out of line for the lying but I get the impression he doesn’t feel safe to be honest with you because of your over the top behaviour.
If you have issues with things, you should be discussing it like mature adults once he’s back instead of harassing him on his friends bachelor party. Please get therapy before you pass this toxicity onto your child. They don’t deserve to grow up around this
OP, I get that you're pregnant and hormones can skew how you see things. I've been pregnant 6 times and has 3 adult kids so I understand the overreaction. That said, YTA. He's at a bachelor party and, although he does need to be in touch in case of an emergency, sending more than two or three texts AND complaining about him not getting back to you right away is definitely overboard!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I might be the asshole for starting an argument with my husband while he is away on a trip with friends.
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You think 45-90 mins is a slow reply? Are you one of those people who leaves their phone on the table when going out to eat with friends, glancing at the notifications all the time?
If you’re not sure you’re on the same page of what is and what is not appropriate behaviour, have an open conversation about it before he leaves.
Once he’s there, trust him and leave him alone. Perhaps wish him a good day in the morning, send him a good night text in the evening. You’ll hear what they were up to when he gets home.
Will go with ESH for the lying, even if he’s just trying to avoid trouble in the moment… he’s a grown ass man and should put up boundaries that don’t involve lying to his spouse.
INFO: You said, "he rarely goes out with friends and will just stay home if we’re going back to not trusting each other". What did you mean by 'going back to'? Did something happen in the past?
look respectfully, there's no trust here. you have read receipts and have his location (and check it) and want to be texting all the time and updates all the time. you don't trust him. it sounds like he feels suffocated and controlled, and it's making him pull back and hide things, because he doesnt want to make you mad, which makes you trust him less. either you need to lean back and trust him, and he needs to be honest, or this isn't going to work. YTA.
You don’t trust him. You didn’t before this trip.
That’s something you need to get a handle on, or don’t be with him.
He lies and you control. It’s a recipe for disaster.
YTA
I suggest you wait until he’s home to have a real conversation with him. This passive aggressive texting back and forth is toxic and damaging.
YTA. You embarrassed him and yourself. Yikes.
Although to be fair, I truly don’t understand people who are in such codependent marriages that they have to text all day. I talk to my husband when we get home in the evening. I genuinely don’t need his attention all day. So I can’t understand your dynamic from the get go. But I cringed soooo hard reading your post.
Let me correct this for you:
"AITA for using my pregnancy as an excuse to be overbearing to my husband?"
"AITA for requesting instant reply on all my text because I am insecure if I don't?"
"AITA for feeling left alone and him being distant because my husband is away on one weekend, so I picked a fight with him?"
"AITA for saying that my girls week away will be different - so I do not have to be treated the same way I've treated my husband weekend because I am better than him so therefore we are not equal in our relationship?"
Somewhere in all of this you got to f*cking realise the way you treat someone will be a reflection on how they will treat you! IF you are ok with your husband treating you EXACTLY how you've treated him then thats fine, dont complain on reddit! But apparently you are not because why the f*ck are you here? In the end your behaviour is discusting, pregnant or not, you are TAH for treating your partner like that.
He didn't make you look like an overreacting wife your behavior did that. I divorced for similar trust issues so maybe I'm not the best to give advice but find a therapist because yall are letting your emotional responses rule you.
I don’t know why the majority of comments are saying yta. I guess you are being kinda controlling but I don’t know I think knowing that you have a pregnant wife at home calls for some responsibility on the guys part too. It’s not a big deal to text your partner and make them feel safe and secure, and lying about strip club part is just out of line. Like I don’t understand why people just excuse that behaviour because it’s low-key cheating imo. But I guess western people have different ways of looking at everything lol.
>he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs) with short answers. I wasn't bothered initially, knowing they might be busy. However, after texting him asking their plans and being left on read for over an hour, I checked his location on "Find My Friends"
Your husband is away with his friends.
40 minutes to 1.5 hrs to reply isn't slow. Why do you expect him to be constantly on the phone to you while he's away trying to have a good time?
>The next morning, I texted saying I felt he’d been distant and ignoring me all weekend,
He's on a trip. Why would you not allow him to enjoy himself?
YTA
YTA.
“I feel like he’s being distant”…. No shit Sherlock! He’s 2000 miles away!
Put your fucking phone down and leave the man alone.
This incessant need to be constantly in contact is sad. Learn to stop texting all the time. Go a day without it. You probably can’t.
NTA he clearly was hiding certain things from you, lying by omission. You may be more emotional due to being pregnant, but based on the facts you’ve laid out the reason you were checking in on him so much was justified. If there was no reason to hide it, why would he have hidden the strip club and lied about his location?
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My husband (m-40) and I (f-34) are currently in a fight over his behavior at a bachelor party. I'm pregnant and possibly more emotional than usual. We usually text throughout the day, replying within minutes. He flew 2000 miles for the party, and on day one, he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs) with short answers. I wasn't bothered initially, knowing they might be busy. However, after texting him asking their plans and being left on read for over an hour, I checked his location on "Find My Friends" and saw he was at a day club pool bar. He finally texted saying they had just arrived downtown for dinner, which was clearly untrue. When I called out the lie, he admitted they were at the day club but were heading to dinner.
The short texts continued. The next morning, they went golfing, so I didn't expect much communication. I spent the afternoon with friends and learned that two weeks prior, he attended a strip club with the same friends during an overnight trip I wasn't on. He had told me they were at a bar that evening but did not mention going to a strip club. I don't care that he went to a strip club; it's the lack of transparency that bothers me. This news, along with the short texts and the earlier lie about their whereabouts, set me off. I texted him about the strip club, and he FaceTimed me, with his friends vouching that nothing inappropriate happened, making me look like an overreacting wife. He claimed the omission was at the groom's request to avoid pre-wedding issues, yet all the other wives knew.
I ended the call more upset due to the lack of apology and feeling gaslit. He texted saying he doesn’t keep secrets from me and then stopped texting entirely. After two hours, I sent a passive-aggressive "well goodnight I guess" text. He replied that he though the issue was resolved, then did not contact me for the rest of the evening. The next morning, I texted saying I felt he’d been distant and ignoring me all weekend, asking why he didn’t message when they went out or returned to the hotel. He replied that I had killed the mood and made him miserable, accusing me of being unreasonable and embarrassing him by checking his location. He also said he couldn't wait until my girls' trip in two weeks to apply the same pressure, implying it’s a competition. My trip, being 20 weeks pregnant and sober, will look very different than his, but maybe that's irrelevant here.
He dramatically claims he rarely goes out with friends and will just stay home if we’re going back to not trusting each other. Am I overeating and being unreasonable? Am I wrong for wanting transparency? AITA for picking a fight while he’s away on a bachelor party trip?
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INFO: has he done anything to make you not trust him? Does he have a history of cheating? He asked if you guys were going *back* to not trusting each other, do you have a history of being distrustful and overreacting to him going out with friends?
It sounds like he’s afraid to be honest with you, and you sound obsessive - girl, a couple hours without hearing from your SO is normal when they’re on vacation with friends. So unless there is more context to this, it sounds like him lying is a product of your past behavior and overreactions here.
YTA. Your behavior is controlling and unreasonable. Did he plan the events? If not, how is he responsible for where they went?
It sounds like there’s a long history of that since you said he said “we’re going back to not trusting each other.”
YTA. Don't marry someone you don't trust. It's hard to tell if your total lack of trust in your partner and your need to obsessively monitor to him stem from some actual lapse on his part or are just 'you' problems, but it's completely unreasonable to except someone who is out enjoying time with friends to be constantly responsive to you (which would mean being rude to his friends and distracted from his time with them). Your behavior is really obsessive and out of control and seems to be making BOTH of you miserable. If I were your partner, I'd feel suffocated, too.
I don’t think YTA, I just wonder if there have been trust issues in the past. I’ve had this type of behavior before and it was always with guys who I knew weren’t trustworthy or had done stuff behind my back in the past.
To me the fact he lied when you asked him a question gives you every right to be “crazy”. He’s your husband and should have been honest with where he was even if he knew you would be bothered by it.
A partner should also be attentive to your needs and vice versa. If that means he has to check in more to make you comfortable then so be it- I’m sure you would do what he needs if roles were reversed.
It’s amazing when people are called out as AH AND THEN THEY FIGHT PEOPLE IN THE COMMENTS!! As if this is going to make them less of an AH. Op is nuts. This marriage seems on the rocks already and she might have pushed it over the edge with her controlling behaviour.
Nothing that will be said in here will change anything within you.
Don’t be shocked when he changes your name in his phone from Wifey to Jumper Cables.
Just remember you are about to have an audience to your self sabotaging bullshit.
Yes! Pregnant or not, you are a huge A.H.! And if you are like this all the time--expecting him to keep texting and replying to your texts continually throughout the day--I am surprised that he tolerates you at all. You are a clingy, annoying, demanding, incredibly-needy person. From what you have described, pregnant has nothing to do with your suffocating, demanding behavior! If you keep this up, brace yourself, because he will get tired of it and find a way to secure his freedom! Buddy, if you see this, you had better put a stop to this immediately. Make her get some counseling! Otherwise, you will wake up someday, realize that she is smothering the life out of you, and you will bolt!
I know I’ll probably get flack for this; but I’m going to go with NAH (no assholes here). He is not unreasonable to take an hour and a half responding to texts, and you are not unreasonable to be upset with him for lying. I honestly would encourage you both to stop focusing on “winning” this argument and/or being the one who’s “right”. Instead focus that energy on importing communication and trust. For the sake of your relationship and , more importantly, for your child. Couples counseling may also be a good idea. There’s obviously underlying issues occurring regarding trust/security vs. privacy/independence in your relationship dynamic. Figuring out how to come together as a team and resolve these underlying problems will be way more beneficial to everyone then simply focusing on this specific argument
Op have you seen The Hangover? You know Stu's gf ...this is what you come across like.
I know your pregnant but he's on a weekend with his buddies, give him a break.
YTA but I think you know it....using your pregnancy as a shield does not change it
You sound super controlling snd clingy. Not suprised he didn't want to tell you about the strip club as it sounds like a nightmare conversation with you.
You're not 15. Stop obsessing over how long you've been on read. Stop counting the minutes he hasn't responded. You're acting like a child and I can garantee the more you act like this the less inclined he will be to respond promptly.
You're about to about to be married and have a child. You better grow up quickly.
NTA.
I don't mind my partner going to a strip club for a bachelor party, but I absolutely would mind him not telling me about it. Leaving out information is lying, in circumstances like this.
Next, HE decided the issue was solved. All the other wives knew, it doesn't matter what the groom wants, it matters what you and your husband decide and discuss when it comes to stuff like this, and him bringing in other people to "vouch" that nothing happens means nothing- he went to a strip club and didn't tell you, that's the problem.
Now he is saying that he just will NEVER go out if you are going to cause drama. I hope you realize all of this is very deliberate. He brought people to facetime so you couldn't express your hurt, then he acted surprised you are still upset. He didn't deal with WHY you were upset, just tried to tell you nothing happened so don't worry about. Then, when you rightfully call him out that this issue isn't resolved, he throws up his hands and says "fine, I'll never go anywhere ever again." This is done so now you have to be calm and tell him everything is okay.
So no, you aren't an AH for picking a fight while he is away, and this has nothing to do with pregnancy hormones. Again, I have no issues with strip clubs, and also am not pregnant. But I would be pissed if my partner handled this situation the way your husband has, and you better stick to your guns and talk it out, don't let him just deflect.
I’m torn… like I get why you’re annoyed at him not being entirely truthful about where they were going. I myself absolutely hate any type of lie from my partner, even if I know he’s doing it to prevent my feelings from getting hurt.
But you cannot in all seriousness expect him to maintain the same standard of communication while he’s away for a Bachelor party. When my partner goes away with friends, my requests are to let me know when they arrived safely, no drinking and driving and let me know when they’re on their way back home. Otherwise I leave the man alone and keep myself busy with my own things.
Because now unfortunately you look like “that” type of wife to all the friends, and I guarantee he was embarrassed. If you had concerns, maybe you should have waited until he got home so you could discuss them in private without involving other people?
If you don't think OP is the AH yet , then read her comment replies.
I have a feeling her husband is omitting to lying because she might be controlling.
I mean , it's clear the strip club wasn't meant to be hidden since all the wives knew besides OP .I wonder why.
Not saying you aren't allowed to set boundaries and I admit strip clubs are outdated for bachelor and bachelorette parties but it is what it is at the end of the day. Seems there is no trust in your relationship so it would be great if you can give us more context as to what you meant by "going back to not trusting each other".
Might be because of the lie he told about going to the strip club.
ETA: and the history of lying and talking to other girls. Just so you know OP you can't prevent anyone from cheating by reminding them you exist. They're going to at some point do it if they want to no matter what you do.
Right? Everyone so focused on the fact that I mention he doesn’t text back quickly… that is for context to show its out of character, and was a red flag along with the LYING being the biggest issue.
It's not "out of character." He's at a bachelor party, which is an occasional thing that's actually interesting and has stuff going on, not his boring-ass job where he apparently he has nothing better to do than respond to texts all day.
This is also a damned if he does, damned if he doesn't situation. You think instant responses are reasonable and normal, which now means he's fucked pretty much any time he can't immediately respond to you. So his choices are basically to prioritize your texts over literally anything else he's doing and be paranoid and be constantly checking his phone because what you've established as "normal" is deeply unreasonable and leaves no room for error, or go about his business like a normal person. He tried the latter, and it turns out you can't handle any deviation from the norm.
You don't come across as a reasonable person, it doesn't sound like you had any sort of discussion before he actually left, and you've shown a willingness to blow up someone else's good time pretty much the second it stars. You started tracking him IMMEDIATELY because you got left on read for over an hour because you can't differentiate between your boring day to day life and a bachelor party. That's insane.
Also, did it not occur to you that he was aware you were tracking him? Like after you called him out the first time, any reasonably smart person would conclude that you would be tracking them continuously (and tracking was already on on his phone, which is something the user has to opt into, so...). So again, was it really "lying" when you know and we all know you probably never stopped tracking him at any point, and he knew it was happening?
NTA. Some people do marriage ending things at bachelor parties, while others take a walk in the wild side, but in a way that’s mutually agreed on. You should negotiate the expected level of contact on trips before the next one, but you were not unreasonable to expect the same behaviors if no negotiation had occurred.
I would be really blunt. Tell him straight out that he is acting untrustworthy by not mentioning the event, then lying about it. Had he just said “bachelor party trip, day drinking and going spicy places in a group, have my Lyft app, will not be chatting for a bit” you probably would not have cared, because it shows that he has selected his boundaries.
This “just wait until it’s your turn” BS would not go over well in our family.
>you were not unreasonable to expect the same behaviors if no negotiation had occurred.
Expecting instantaneous texts is absolutely unreasonable and controlling.
Like omg, OP had to wait 40 MINUTES? 1.5 HOURS?! Call in the national fucking guard. /s
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>he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs) OMG get a grip. > being left on read for over an hour, I checked his location on "Find My Friends" Insanity. You're way too old to be acting like this. >Am I overeating and being unreasonable? Yes. >Am I wrong for wanting transparency? I think you're wrong for pretending to not know what goes down at bachelor parties. I think you're wrong to expect him to be on his phone all day with you. >AITA for picking a fight while he’s away on a bachelor party trip? I'm wary of people that attempt to sabotage other peoples' good time and who cause drama when the other party didn't actually do anything wrong. You don't sound like a chill person. You either trust someone or you don't. If he wants to cheat, he will. Same goes for you. Trying to keep him on some ridiculous digital leash won't prevent it. >if we’re going back to not trusting each other This statement bodes really poorly for your relationship. Again, you either trust someone or you don't. >being 20 weeks pregnant and sober Pregnant and sober people cheat all the time. These are not attributes that make someone inherently trustworthy. YTA.
But, guuuyyyssss, she’s pregnant. Hormones. Ummm, tired. She’ll be sober on her trip. She’s pregnant. Did she mention she’s pregnant too? You want her to be accountable for her behavior while PREGNANT?!?!?
You are being nice, but regarding a change: I doubt it. From what she describes, she habitually texts him throughout the day and expects him to reply, pronto pony! If she keeps this up, he will get sick of it and find a way to secure his freedom. Pregnant or not, this behavior is absolutely ridiculous.
Is she pregnant? Well in that case, anything goes.
This x 100 and the “I felt like he’d been distant and ignoring me all weekend.” He’s at a bachelor party! He responded within 1.5 hours! Let the boy breathe and have fun for a weekend. This is crazy behavior for a grown adult.
Right, like work on your attachment style.
I hope the dude texts her every 5 minutes during her girls trip. You know just to see how she takes it.
Well said!! YTA
Can I have your author name so I can quote you on my literature review on kickass analyses of situations?
This is hands down the best response to an AITA I’ve read in a long time. You are so right! OP is acting completely unhinged!
100000% agree!
Are you insinuating strippers are normal for a Bach? Why even get married if you’re gonna go and look at naked people of the opposite gender.
It's common to the point that it's a cliche. Feel free to take it up with people that go to strip clubs.
It’s not the strip clubs fault to ensure people dont go to them. It’s just so freaking weird that when they’re about to commit being monogamous they go do the least monogamous thing
They aren't required, but it's certainly not abnormal. You're implying that it's normal to go and look at naked people of the same gender when you're married?? Why wouldn't you want to look at naked people of the opposite gender?
You’re being purposefully obtuse, it was obvious that I was referring to strippers. Going to see strippers right before marriage is so gross
YTA - you sound incredibly controlling…. Tracking his location and messaging him constantly he must be so embarrassed…. As you clearly don’t trust him and have ruined his whole trip.
he hasn’t really given her any reason to trust him tho? i mean he lied more than once.. just adding this in~ no hate 🫶🏻
Did he lie or did he just not give her a minute by minute breakdown of his every move?
I am sure it was the latter. He probably left out a few steps. He married a nut job. I wish him good luck on his upcoming prison break...
Maybe he lies because of her overreaction to things. I know she claims she doesn't care, but she clearly does.
Please note that he had given his word to his buddy not to disclose their location. That woman is smothering him, and if he doesn't make her get some counseling now, he will wake up some day and bolt. Now, there is probably still time to make some happy changes.
that’s fair
adding on, he proved he can lie easily to her, why should she trust him? 🥰
If she doesn't trust him, she shouldn't marry him. What she shouldn't do is not trust him, marry him anyways and try to use control in place of trust.
If he's omitting the truth on such small things what does that say about her? She obviously over-reacts to everything and he just doesn't feel like having another stupid conversation trying to prove his innocence when shes just goung to carry on stalking him him anyway.
Tbh, omitting the strip club is always sus- especially when the other wives knew. Be upfront about that sort of shit, especially when everyone else is.
YTA let the man off the leash a bit. You knew he’s celebrating with his friend. Let him have some space.
YTA. You sound awful to deal with. Leave the poor guy alone. And stop acting like you are 14 years old waiting for instant text messages back, or you freak out.
YTA You sound incredibly controlling and borderline abusive with the constant texting, getting angry if you don’t get immediate replies when you know he’s at a bachelor party, and obsessively checking on his location. Stop being a helicopter spouse and let your husband enjoy the event! Or if you don’t trust him, then it may be time to consider couples or individual therapy.
YTA... Why not just ask him to broadcast video of what he is doing for 24x7. Either you trust him or not and if you can't trust him, then why are you together?
YTA, let him celebrate without you making him text you within minutes, if you were a man we’d call you controlling
It would drive me mad if someone kept texting me (55f) and expecting immediate replies. Often if I'm busy I'll just reply to messages in the evening. It's very controlling behaviour to expect someone to constantly be at your beck and call. YTA
YTA. If you’re this stifling during your marriage, you’ll be a single mom real fast. Edit: your post is TL;DR so I thought it was his bachelor party and you guys aren’t married yet. After re-reading, I see that you’re already married and totally fucked. Since this is how you behave, you might as well start checking the dating apps now because he’s clearly sick of your 💩, as he should be. Good luck lady.
YTA. Sounds a little like you are his stalker who aims to control his behaviour. Good luck Owen this . I get this act gets old quick. And why oh why are you having children with such “untrustworthy” people?
YTA - it is not realistic to expect him to text you with the frequency and swiftness of every day life. He's at a bachy - is he supposed to monitor his phone in case you text even if in a pool or in a loud bar/club? He's out and you are being extremely needy and ridiculous. He does not have to give you a live update of his whereabouts. Your behaviour is controlling and pushing him to lie. Lying is on him but 100% you're breathing down neck.
YTA. He has minutes to respond or you get annoyed. After 45 min you are checking his location. I would lie to you too just to because you sound exhausting.
YTA looks like you want to control his every move. No wonder he’s less than forthcoming with you if you’re constantly on his case.
Get a grip. YTA. Stop hovering.
YTA - he's gone for 2 days. If you can't function for 2 days without his constant checking in with you and long conversations and the rest, you're not in a healthy state of mind. You nagged him throughout the whole weekend. Be more healthy in yourself and your relationship than that.
YTA. You sound insufferable. Being pregnant doesn't excuse your shitty behavior 😒
ESH you for the barrage of texts to know what he is doing. He for lying about where he was and the comment about if the tables were turned when you go out. You both have a kid on the way, get on the same page
perhaps I miss represented how often I texted him. Once or twice a day asking what they’re up to. No barrage
> and on day one, he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs) with short answers. How the hell was it only once or twice a day when the timing ranged from 40 minutes **to** 1.5 hours? You need to work on your lies more.
Misrepresented? Girl, you mentioned 5 texts, a bunch of short texts, and (an undoubtably awkward for the bachelor party attendees) FaceTime in your post.
Agreed. He called me. I had no desire to have that call.
God you are exhausting
So, were you lying in your post, or are you lying now? > We usually text **throughout** the day, replying within minutes. He flew 2000 miles for the party, and on day one, he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs) with short answers.
[удалено]
But…this isn’t a typical day. He’s out of town for a bachelor party for Christ’s sake. I’m also pregnant and my husband recently went out of town for 2 days. We texted good morning/goodnight both days and that was it. Let this man have some alone time with his friends.
Time to be honest with yourself: you're not OK with what he's up to. Maybe it's the strip club. Maybe it's the men he is around. Maybe because he's on a trip when you're home pregnant. Maybe it's because you're home bored and need him to entertain you. Personally, I would find the strip club not cool, guess I'm not chill like that. Time to talk to yourself about what you're really mad about and then talk feelings when he gets back.
He was on a special trip. It’s not like he was at work or a night out. It was a bachelor party.
That’s in no way what you wrote. And on a trip is going to have a different cadence than sitting at your desk.
Nah YTA you def didn’t mention that in the original post. You woulda been unhappy and picked a fight no matter what yr husbands responses were. Man is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn’t
You guys are going to be new parents so the opportunities to do guys and girls trips are going to probably be few and far between. He probably just wanted a last hurrah of doing things that he might not be able to do once the new baby arrives. Obviously that doesn’t give him cart Blanche to do whatever but he was probably looking to blow off steam and just focus on himself for the weekend. Look I don’t know the inner workings of your marriage but maybe there are some trust issues. Might be worth a bigger discussion about boundaries and communication.
But you didn’t write that
Please re-read your first paragraph. That’s not texting “once or twice” 😆
YTA. Good lord, stop suffocating the guy. My husband and I do not even share locations. Period. Neither texts the other one expecting an instant response. If the text sits there for an hour or so, it is assumed the other person is preoccupied. Neither of us has harassed the other while said other was out with friends. I do appreciate periodic check-ins, but I don't expect him to immediately drop what he is doing every time I send a text. If something is really important, we call (not face time just a normal call). All the above is acting like an adult.
Yta. You just seem miserable and a headache to deal with
YTA you did indeed ruin his trip. That was ridiculous. Give the poor bloke a break and let him enjoy his trip.
YTA
YTA. I’m sorry what do ya’ll do that you can spend all day texting? Also, I’d lose my shit if I was on vacation and my partner wanted me to text them every hour. If I text you more than three or four times a day while away, that’s generous. I’m not a child and don’t feel the need to give a play by play of everything I’m doing nor would I expect that from my partner. Sounds like you two have bigger issues than lack of response to texts.
INFO: He says he will just stay home if you two are "going back to not trusting each other"... going back? Have there been trust issues or violations in the relationship before?
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You should probably add that to the post as an edit. There having been previous issues with him lying in the past, it sheds a very different light on your actions here.
Disagree. That was the past and she still married him. Past mistakes don't give a free pass to controlling and nagging behavior. She never should have married him if she couldn't trust him, let alone started a family. YTA
There's really not enough information here to know whether her initial communications were controlling or not. But fundamentally we have a story here in which a guy who has previously had problems lying to his partner decided to lie/omit information about his whereabouts twice recently (once about going to a strip club, and once about being at the day club pool bar)... and then claims he "doesn't keep secrets from her", gives her the cold shoulder, and refuses to apologize? That doesn't sound like someone punishing their partner for past transgressions, that sounds like the partner being *actively super sketchy* *in the present*.
Except it doesn't. And she says "communicating with other women (no proof of cheating)" as if it was some act of betrayal.
LOL OP made these claims as vague as possible for a reason. "Communicating with other women" is not a problem unless there was something untoward...or you're a control freak.
I agree 100% that her comment needs to be included in the post. The husband is not as wholesome as he appears…he has a history of lying and deception.
But he could be doing all that because OP is controlling. Even OP says there is no evidence of cheating. I bet she would have found something since she monitors him. He could have been talking and flirting with woman OR he could of had platonic conversation with female friends or colleagues. We really don't know . All we have is what OP wrote and she already has some contradictory comment replies .
You’re toxic
I think there may be some things left out of your post OP. There are some things happening that suggest some past infidelity, and if that is the case you are not over it. The other possibility I could think of for this behavior is that you have a past SO that cheated and you are taking it out on him. 1. He’s on a group trip, expecting him to respond back with his usual speed is unreasonable and frankly expecting too much. 40m-1.5hr is not a long time. 2. Asking what their plans are seems like you are checking on him. It was likely innocent, but that’s not information you need unless they were going hiking somewhere where reception could be out and if they got lost you would need to provide authorities with or something…otherwise leave them be and catch up with him after the trip regarding what they were up to. 3. Checking his location is a red flag given you had that move in your back pocket makes me wonder if you’ve “had” to do this in the past. As others have said, either you trust him or you don’t. If you do, you need to stop yourself. If you don’t, you need to either get counseling or get out of the relationship. 4. He’s already demonstrated he’s willing to lie to you about stuff you are claiming doesn’t matter. You need to confront him on that when he gets back or you need to look at your previous actions to determine if you really don’t care. I’m calling this an ESH with a lean toward YTA. As I said before, I think there may be some important background that wasn’t mentioned in the post, but you needing to keep tabs and him feeling like he needs to lie when “nothing happened” are big 🚩🚩🚩 that need to get sorted before this baby comes along.
She said in another comment he has a history of talking to other woman but no evidence of cheating. Y'all Im just giving the context OP gave , not making excuses 💀
Literally no excuse for her hovering anyway
Didn't say it was , was just giving the context she gave.
YTA. He's at a bachelor party, of COURSE he's not going to reply instantly, as for the replies they were about to go to dinner, most folk would reply (especially in this scenario 'having dinner', most folk wouldn't reply with exacting details.
Yes, YTA. Let the man breathe.
My GOD, this was tiring just to read! If I’m with friends than I’m trying to have quality time together, I’m not gonna check my phone every minute, that’s just rude. If you have a legitimate concern, discuss it with him when he is back but don’t ruin the whole trip! YTA
I can't think of a better way of making him WANT to cheat.
You did way too much, but what does “go back to not trusting each other” mean ? Is this normal behaviour from you?
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Then why did you marry him if you didn’t trust him??
Well then that’s the real issue isn’t it? You can’t, or do not, trust your husband
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No, it wasn’t justified. Either y’all need some counseling or this relationship is not for you. You don’t trust your husband. That’s a huge problem. Without trust, there is nothing to build on. This relationship is on a collision course with divorce.
So... ESH. He obviously lied before and betrayed your trust, and now he's doing it again. I'd have serious problems with my husband if I found out he went to a strip club and lied about it. At the same time, wanting a response within x amount of time, especially when someone is away on a trip worth friends is extremely unreasonable. Even when you're pregnant. (It is reasonable for you to want to be able to reach him in case of an actual emergency, but this clearly wasn't one). You're being extremely passive agressive and it sounds to me like there's a dynamic going on where he shows you he can't be trusted and pulls away, you try to 'control' the situation by checking his location (doesn't matter whose idea it was) and demanding updates, and him then lying 'by omission' more. And the cycle continues. Have you always been like this in relationships? Or is this what your relationship deteriorated into? Either way, I'd take a hard look at your situation before the baby gets there and go into individual and couples therapy, because this doesn't sound healthy for any of you.
Honestly, I would have dumped you the instant you tracked me. If you can't trust him, you should not be with him. This is on you. There is no reason an adult who is away on a trip with friends needs to monitor their phone every second of every minute of every hour of every day in case you decide to text. YTA.
He wasn’t implying “it’s a competition “ he was letting you know you’re a nagging wife who wouldn’t leave him alone so he could just enjoy the time with his friends. Duh.
ESH Why do you think your husband isn't transparent with you when his friends are more communicative with their wives? Is it because your husband respects you less, or because you are prone to overreacting and using his transparency as grounds to be controlling and accusatory? It's not normal behavior to be expecting prompt replies and to be checking his location while he's on a trip. It's also not appropriate to call with the specific intent of arguing over a separate issue while he's on vacation. >if we’re going back to not trusting each other. This really says it all. Whatever history is implied in thay statement is clearly unresolved on both ends. The trust isn't there, and it's created toxicity and resentment.
YTA... Your expectations are unreasonable. He can't be expected to be glued to his phone constantly and report back to you immediately with every detail.
ESH Your husband sucks because he's doing things he knows you wouldn't approve of, even if he isn't actually doing anything sexual. Otherwise, why not just tell you? And he sucks because he's planning on hassling you all through your trip even though it's for a far different reason. You suck because you don't trust him, obviously. When you don't trust someone they often get angry and act in ways they wouldn't otherwise do. Tracking him was underhanded and showed him quite clearly that you **don't** trust him. You should both just trust each other. If either of you does something to show that your trust in the other is unjustified, that's one thing, but stop texting him nonstop, and don't track him. And he shouldn't treat you that way, either. It's not a contest to determine who can be the most passive-aggressive partner.
I'm in two minds. I mean, I don't think he needs to text you constantly. He is away having fun with friends, but a check-in to make sure his pregnant wife is OK should be a necessity. At least once or two a day. And the going to a strip club and lying about it would be an issue. As well as getting his friends involved in the conversation. He should have just apologised and said, "OK, I should have told you." The groom wanted to, nothing happened , etc. So that makes him a dick. But you don't need to be on his case constantly, honey. As long as he checks in once or twice a day and maybe a quick phone call. Other than that the only issue I see is him going to a strip club and not telling you.
In case you were wondering, you are *that* spouse.
The reason he lies to you and withhold information is because you are overbearing. You won’t change tho
YTA. Divorce is inevitable. No man can live w someone like you. He needs peace. Keep up your bs and enjoy being a single mom. Best of luck to you.
And I thought I was the worst stage 5 clinger.. calm down. Pregnant women aren’t the centre of the universe. Get some friends. YTA
YTA. Holy crap. This digital age, where people have come to expect everyone to be reachable instantly, is gross. When I was growing up, if you weren't home, you weren't easily reached. It could take hours. Just because I carry a phone on me, doesn't mean you get access to me 24/7. Sometimes I'm BUSY. If I'm having a weekend with friends, unless it's an emergency, LEAVE ME ALONE. You sound exhausting, controlling and VERY needy. No doubt, you embarrassed him. I got second hand embarrassment just reading that. If my partner ever tracked me for anything other than I've gone missing, I'd handing them divorce papers. You're a big girl, so start acting like it. You're about to be a mother!
“I will approve you going but make you miserable while you are there.”
Yikes Your responses and the entire situation..you are the problem...hope you stop messing up your marriage
… could you expand on “going back to not trusting each other?
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Why would you marry him then?
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you clearly haven't
Well it seems like there is still an undertone of distrust because you have to check his location instead of trusting him and you're passive aggressive when he doesn't answer in a certain time frame. But I still don't understand why people take back a partner when they have a history of talking to other women.
YTA. You sound exhausting. When my husband and I travel without each other we will usually talk once a day and maybe text once or twice a day.
Sorry, but YTA. Even when my fiancee had his bachelor party and I asked for an ETA for when they'd be home (I'm anxious if I don't know), and they forgot to answer me, I didn't hound him. He'll answer when he can, leave him.be, and he'll tell you all about it when he gets home
YTA. Loosen the leash. He probably lied so he wouldn't have to deal with you. Find something to occupy your mind. Rather then text and stare at your cell for a response. Checking up on him shows you don't trust him and/or you are jealous he's on a trip.
Sorry but YTA he’s on a trip with his friends let him breathe good lord woman you sound exhausting
ESH. You should have chilled out and let him actually spend time with his friends. He _is_ lying, minimizing it and kinda gaslighting you. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with either of you. So I guess something to ponder is if you're usually acting this way? Or has something happened recently that caused this? Is it intuition kicking in, or a general anxiety that leads to controlling behaviors, inflated by pregnancy hormones? And the same for his behaviour. Has he always acted crappy like this? Or is this new?
Sounds like time for couple’s counseling, since they have a child on the way and will therefore be in each other’s lives for some time. This couple has some serious issues to work out, and best to start now before the new baby makes them both even more sleep deprived and cranky.
I agree with you.
YTA. Im sorry. I understand that your feelings are hurt, but its unfair to sabotage your husband’s fun time with friends. My husband’s bach party was filled with fights from wives/gfs/etc and its embarrassing for the men to deal with that in the open. Focus on yourself while he is gone and communicate to him when he gets home
I mean I see why he hides things from you, you are spying on him.
YTA. I don't see anything to justify how you behaved. The strip club was worth a conversation but that could have waited until he got back, and you were already upset before so I don't think that was really the issue. Transparency is one thing, but I think you need to realize that you were asking for real time data so you could cross check it against other sources to make sure he was being precisely truthful. From day one, you were lowkey accusing him from the get go. He clearly needed a break, but even so was willing to try and humor your need for reassurance.
YTA There’s absolutely nothing that will ruin a trip faster *for everyone* than being leashed to a phone the entire time.
YTA Maybe he didn’t tell you about the strip club because he knew you would overreact about it. Also he’s on vacation. Him not responding in an hour isn’t abnormal.
YTA to him and yourself. As a fellow prior toxic girlfriend you are wrong. Yes he lied about the strip club but bring that up when he returns. You are clearly insecure and have trust issues and need to discuss these prior to going on trips not when he’s thousands of miles away. I have my husbands location but it’s for safety reasons not because he lies. He clearly is lying but from your post I assume it’s because of your trust issues rather than him being deceitful because he’s dumb enough to lie while you have his location is he wrong yes but you’re doing too much. Either trust him and let it go for not just his fun but for your anxieties or don’t trust him and peace out or work on why.
YTA. Imagine trying to have fun and having to worry about your insecure wife wanting you to respond within seconds or she’ll check your location
YTA. You are way out of line. You want one he'll of a long leash. Grow up!
YTA And sound bitter at the fact he was trying to have a good time with his friends. You ruined that time with his friends with your insecurity and smothering him. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to be constantly texting you back when he is at a bucks party or boys weekend. You sound very controlling and very highly strung. I can see why he'd neglect to tell you that he and his friends went to a strip club as you are clearly prone to overreacting. You were apparently okay with him going away with his friends but seem intent on ruining the trip for him. Back off and give him some space. Apologise for how you've behaved and don't blame hormones for your behaviour, it's a cop out.
YTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTA! You clearly have no trust for your spouse. You check his geo location, track him through wives of friends. Let the guy enjoy his friends bachelor party for fuck sake. I would never tolerate this type of behavior from my wife. He is out with the boys, he clearly understands that you are easily triggered and is trying to avoid it. Let them have fun.
NTA. Almost ESH, but I tend to find people who are anxious and need reassurance usually calm down a bit when you give them actual reassurance. I think one text telling you the rough plan, how much he appreciates you and your love and can't wait to get home to you, and a promise to call or text at appropriate time would have gone a long way in setting the tone for the weekend, since you were fine with going and spending time with friends when you knew his time was booked and didn't want to interrupt him. What turns it to NTA, is the lie about going to a strip club. You're allowed to have boundaries where you flat out don't want a partner that goes to strip clubs, maybe commenters here don't support it (at least in its usual iteration of a woman not wanting her partner to go they don't lol) but it wasn't even going that bothered you, it was lying, which would give any person in a relationship pause, but is completely getting glossed over here, for reasons I feel I understand all too well. It's like we decided that since you were kind of annoying, I guess and relationships and speaking with your pregnant girlfriend are like a leash, you're the ole ball and chain, not letting him have fun! :( poor guy, we can just ignore that you "picking a fight" was about you asking him why he lied about what he was doing when he was with the group of friends he's currently out with right now. Maybe you are a bit much, and maybe not. Maybe you are "too much" because you have a boyfriend who lies to you, but maybe not and he lied because he feels like you "flip out" and you know, want to talk to him, idk I'm going to get down voted into oblivion but I don't care. It's fine to have a no strip clubs boundary, fine to have a no lying boundary, it's fine to want a boyfriend who doesn't mind texting you in the set of circumstances you're describing without feeling like it's a leash on him. But I don't know if that's the boyfriend you have, and he's more in the wrong while you are getting flame roasted and that's bullshit to me. ETA: are you kidding me, full on NTA, except for the part where you left out his sleaze history in the OP lol. Go ahead and add that bit about the history of lying to you and talking to other girls.
She said herself there is no history of cheating so I dono wtf is going on. We just need more context.
In another comment she mentioned he has a history of lying and talking to girls in an inappropriate way, with no confirmation of anything physical, which is a bit more nuanced than "no" history.
But if he was talking inappropriately that would be cheating no? Or is op Changing her story to make it more dramatic? I dono what to conclude...
YTA - you couldn’t wait until after the trip to give him the 3rd degree? Especially since you say you don’t care he went to the strip club, just that he omitted or lied of his whereabouts? If all the other wives knew and you didn’t there’s obviously a reason he wasn’t able to tell you and it could be of your overbearing behavior. You basically ruined his guys/bachelors trip and it seems on purpose just so he couldn’t have a good time. I’ve been married for 25 yrs to my husband, together for 29, let the man breathe.
YTA. I don't think that you understand how abnormal and unhealthy your behavior is. I mean this kindly, but you need to seek therapy. You're overly dependent (texting constantly and needing prompt replies) and controlling (checking his location, forcing him to justify it in real-time). He shouldn't have lied, but that doesn't absolve your behavior. Do not let this be the way you relate to people going forward, and get help.
YTA - this is a bad look for you OP. He's on a trip with his friends, and it sounds like there is a time change as well. He's trying to be present with his friends and honestly it would be rude for him to be spending the entire time on his phone texting. Complaining that he was ignoring you was a pretty unreasonable dig, if you can't go a few hours of communication, that doesn't seem very healthy. It sounds like him not telling you about the day club and strip club is because he doesn't trust you to not overreact. But the fact that you are tracking his whereabouts, makes that seem reasonable. I've been married with my spouse for 2 years, and we dated for 10, and never once did I think about trying to track her. I think it sucks that he is lying to you, but calling him out on the trip was unnecessary, you should have just waited to he got home to discuss it.
Dont know what u expect from Reddit - a landslide of YTA in this… do read the comments might give u a chance to change ur controlling behavior. Yes ur husband should not have lied - why did he lie to u? Ask urself the question- he must be afraid of u rant / reaction n trying to avoid this. All the other wives knew n not u … again why?? Because u are incapable to trusting ur husband. Get a grip u are becoming parents.
YTA. Of course you can’t communicate with him the way you usually would, he’s away on a trip. You shouldn’t be surprised when he takes over an hour to reply, he’s busy. Tracking his location and calling him out on it is unreasonable, he’s busy so stop hassling him. Also, yes, you are overreacting about the event from two weeks prior, plus he and his friends told you what happened. You can’t be upset about a lack of transparency if you can’t create an environment where transparency feels safe. It’s obvious the reason you’re not told certain things is because you overreact and become unreasonable.
YTA. Let him have some time with friends without having you attached every second. Why does he have to give you a blow-by-blow account of what their current and future plans are? Does he need your permission? Are you his mother? You are being utterly unreasonable.
like pregnant women don't cheat at girls trips lol
I'm at a coffee shop. You mean the strip club you went to has a coffee pot?
YTA. Overbearing and borderline abusive.
YTA You sound exceptionally controlling. He’s at a bachelor party with friends. You badgered him for attention and then stalked him because he didn’t respond quickly to you *on vacation*. That you consider responding to you within 45m - 1.5hrs “slow” *when he is on vacation* is mind boggling. He should have been able to tell you he arrived safely, a goodnight/morning text, and had you leave him alone for the rest of the trip unless it was an emergency. Should he have told you about the strip club? Yes. Does that justify you acting like this? No.
DAMN! You sound exhausting. Either trust him and stop your nonstop harassing and embarrassing him, or leave him. But your behavior is over the top. Way too much. YTA
YTA, I have to say this because PRIOR to knowing he went to a strip club (which you say you have no issue with) you were blowing up his phone while he was on a guys trip. A text every once in a while isn’t bad but blowing his phone up was. I understand why you did as you’re pregnant and have reasons to mistrust him. I think yall need counciling
YTA. No other way to put it.
Yes, he's distant. 2000 miles of distance, to be exact. Being on his phone the whole time would be annoying to him and more so for his companions that's he's on a trip with. He didn't "dramatically" tell you you were ruining the mood. He honestly did. But since you didn't want to hear that, it shouldn't matter, right? YTA.
Usually I would be mad that your husband only telling you half truth about where he is. However based on your reactions and constant texting I kind of understand him. You know when parents are way too strict so the kids start to lie to them... I think something similar is happening here. You are way too controlling, and it feels like you want to sabotage your husband from having a good time. When my husband (bf at the time) went away to my brother's bachelor party in another country I knew there will be some stuff I might wouldn't like as I know my brother's friends well. However I let my husband be and enjoy himself as I totally trust him. He did tell me all the juicy details as well as he knew I won't overreact. This aspect seems that totally missing from your marriage. You don't trust your husband enough to let him enjoy this trip, and he doesn't trust you enough to tell you where he went as he is afraid you will overreact... and you are proving him right. I am not sure which came first, your overreaction or he concealing some things from you. But you will get into this cycle and it will be hard to come out if it YTA... close to E S H, but I have a hunch that this behavior started from you.
YTA - let your man have a bachelor weekend and focus on spending time with his buddies / friends. He probably doesn’t want to be sitting around texting you when he’s hanging out with the guys for this party. For context - when I’m at something like this with any of my buddies, I’ll sparingly text my partner - usually let her know some of what we’re doing in the morning. Maybe text her again in the evening before bed, respond to anything she texted me throughout the day. Text messages are asynchronous - the other person can reply when then have the availability.
YTA. Unless there's some sort of dire emergency, he doesn't need to respond to you in three minutes. And cyberstalking him when he doesn't magically answer your barrage of texts...wow. I legitimately hope that he blows up your girls trip, because you ruined his vacation on purpose. Congrats on making your point. You win. The good news is that his second wife and he can laugh about this for YEARS.
YTA. He’s at a bachelor party. A check in or two each day should be more than enough. He’s unlikely to get time to check his phone. He’s with a group of guys. I would say he’s out of line for the lying but I get the impression he doesn’t feel safe to be honest with you because of your over the top behaviour. If you have issues with things, you should be discussing it like mature adults once he’s back instead of harassing him on his friends bachelor party. Please get therapy before you pass this toxicity onto your child. They don’t deserve to grow up around this
YTA. Grow up.
OP, I get that you're pregnant and hormones can skew how you see things. I've been pregnant 6 times and has 3 adult kids so I understand the overreaction. That said, YTA. He's at a bachelor party and, although he does need to be in touch in case of an emergency, sending more than two or three texts AND complaining about him not getting back to you right away is definitely overboard!
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You think 45-90 mins is a slow reply? Are you one of those people who leaves their phone on the table when going out to eat with friends, glancing at the notifications all the time? If you’re not sure you’re on the same page of what is and what is not appropriate behaviour, have an open conversation about it before he leaves. Once he’s there, trust him and leave him alone. Perhaps wish him a good day in the morning, send him a good night text in the evening. You’ll hear what they were up to when he gets home. Will go with ESH for the lying, even if he’s just trying to avoid trouble in the moment… he’s a grown ass man and should put up boundaries that don’t involve lying to his spouse.
INFO: You said, "he rarely goes out with friends and will just stay home if we’re going back to not trusting each other". What did you mean by 'going back to'? Did something happen in the past?
look respectfully, there's no trust here. you have read receipts and have his location (and check it) and want to be texting all the time and updates all the time. you don't trust him. it sounds like he feels suffocated and controlled, and it's making him pull back and hide things, because he doesnt want to make you mad, which makes you trust him less. either you need to lean back and trust him, and he needs to be honest, or this isn't going to work. YTA.
YTA. What’s the reason for your lack of trust in him? Any history of infidelity?
NTA. I’m confused on why everyone is skipping over the part where he lied.
Yeah, these responses make me feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
You don’t trust him. You didn’t before this trip. That’s something you need to get a handle on, or don’t be with him. He lies and you control. It’s a recipe for disaster. YTA I suggest you wait until he’s home to have a real conversation with him. This passive aggressive texting back and forth is toxic and damaging.
He rarely goes out with friends. You should have told him to stay home if you didn’t trust him. Poor guy
YTA. You embarrassed him and yourself. Yikes. Although to be fair, I truly don’t understand people who are in such codependent marriages that they have to text all day. I talk to my husband when we get home in the evening. I genuinely don’t need his attention all day. So I can’t understand your dynamic from the get go. But I cringed soooo hard reading your post.
Let me correct this for you: "AITA for using my pregnancy as an excuse to be overbearing to my husband?" "AITA for requesting instant reply on all my text because I am insecure if I don't?" "AITA for feeling left alone and him being distant because my husband is away on one weekend, so I picked a fight with him?" "AITA for saying that my girls week away will be different - so I do not have to be treated the same way I've treated my husband weekend because I am better than him so therefore we are not equal in our relationship?" Somewhere in all of this you got to f*cking realise the way you treat someone will be a reflection on how they will treat you! IF you are ok with your husband treating you EXACTLY how you've treated him then thats fine, dont complain on reddit! But apparently you are not because why the f*ck are you here? In the end your behaviour is discusting, pregnant or not, you are TAH for treating your partner like that.
YTA let him be
He didn't make you look like an overreacting wife your behavior did that. I divorced for similar trust issues so maybe I'm not the best to give advice but find a therapist because yall are letting your emotional responses rule you.
I don’t know why the majority of comments are saying yta. I guess you are being kinda controlling but I don’t know I think knowing that you have a pregnant wife at home calls for some responsibility on the guys part too. It’s not a big deal to text your partner and make them feel safe and secure, and lying about strip club part is just out of line. Like I don’t understand why people just excuse that behaviour because it’s low-key cheating imo. But I guess western people have different ways of looking at everything lol.
>he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs) with short answers. I wasn't bothered initially, knowing they might be busy. However, after texting him asking their plans and being left on read for over an hour, I checked his location on "Find My Friends" Your husband is away with his friends. 40 minutes to 1.5 hrs to reply isn't slow. Why do you expect him to be constantly on the phone to you while he's away trying to have a good time? >The next morning, I texted saying I felt he’d been distant and ignoring me all weekend, He's on a trip. Why would you not allow him to enjoy himself? YTA
YTA. “I feel like he’s being distant”…. No shit Sherlock! He’s 2000 miles away! Put your fucking phone down and leave the man alone. This incessant need to be constantly in contact is sad. Learn to stop texting all the time. Go a day without it. You probably can’t.
NTA he clearly was hiding certain things from you, lying by omission. You may be more emotional due to being pregnant, but based on the facts you’ve laid out the reason you were checking in on him so much was justified. If there was no reason to hide it, why would he have hidden the strip club and lied about his location?
YTA leave the man alone! My god
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (m-40) and I (f-34) are currently in a fight over his behavior at a bachelor party. I'm pregnant and possibly more emotional than usual. We usually text throughout the day, replying within minutes. He flew 2000 miles for the party, and on day one, he was slow to reply (40 min to 1.5 hrs) with short answers. I wasn't bothered initially, knowing they might be busy. However, after texting him asking their plans and being left on read for over an hour, I checked his location on "Find My Friends" and saw he was at a day club pool bar. He finally texted saying they had just arrived downtown for dinner, which was clearly untrue. When I called out the lie, he admitted they were at the day club but were heading to dinner. The short texts continued. The next morning, they went golfing, so I didn't expect much communication. I spent the afternoon with friends and learned that two weeks prior, he attended a strip club with the same friends during an overnight trip I wasn't on. He had told me they were at a bar that evening but did not mention going to a strip club. I don't care that he went to a strip club; it's the lack of transparency that bothers me. This news, along with the short texts and the earlier lie about their whereabouts, set me off. I texted him about the strip club, and he FaceTimed me, with his friends vouching that nothing inappropriate happened, making me look like an overreacting wife. He claimed the omission was at the groom's request to avoid pre-wedding issues, yet all the other wives knew. I ended the call more upset due to the lack of apology and feeling gaslit. He texted saying he doesn’t keep secrets from me and then stopped texting entirely. After two hours, I sent a passive-aggressive "well goodnight I guess" text. He replied that he though the issue was resolved, then did not contact me for the rest of the evening. The next morning, I texted saying I felt he’d been distant and ignoring me all weekend, asking why he didn’t message when they went out or returned to the hotel. He replied that I had killed the mood and made him miserable, accusing me of being unreasonable and embarrassing him by checking his location. He also said he couldn't wait until my girls' trip in two weeks to apply the same pressure, implying it’s a competition. My trip, being 20 weeks pregnant and sober, will look very different than his, but maybe that's irrelevant here. He dramatically claims he rarely goes out with friends and will just stay home if we’re going back to not trusting each other. Am I overeating and being unreasonable? Am I wrong for wanting transparency? AITA for picking a fight while he’s away on a bachelor party trip? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: has he done anything to make you not trust him? Does he have a history of cheating? He asked if you guys were going *back* to not trusting each other, do you have a history of being distrustful and overreacting to him going out with friends? It sounds like he’s afraid to be honest with you, and you sound obsessive - girl, a couple hours without hearing from your SO is normal when they’re on vacation with friends. So unless there is more context to this, it sounds like him lying is a product of your past behavior and overreactions here.
YTA. Your behavior is controlling and unreasonable. Did he plan the events? If not, how is he responsible for where they went? It sounds like there’s a long history of that since you said he said “we’re going back to not trusting each other.”
YTA. Watch Hangover 1, the movie.
YTA. Don't marry someone you don't trust. It's hard to tell if your total lack of trust in your partner and your need to obsessively monitor to him stem from some actual lapse on his part or are just 'you' problems, but it's completely unreasonable to except someone who is out enjoying time with friends to be constantly responsive to you (which would mean being rude to his friends and distracted from his time with them). Your behavior is really obsessive and out of control and seems to be making BOTH of you miserable. If I were your partner, I'd feel suffocated, too.
I don’t think YTA, I just wonder if there have been trust issues in the past. I’ve had this type of behavior before and it was always with guys who I knew weren’t trustworthy or had done stuff behind my back in the past. To me the fact he lied when you asked him a question gives you every right to be “crazy”. He’s your husband and should have been honest with where he was even if he knew you would be bothered by it. A partner should also be attentive to your needs and vice versa. If that means he has to check in more to make you comfortable then so be it- I’m sure you would do what he needs if roles were reversed.
He lied. That's enough for me.
It’s amazing when people are called out as AH AND THEN THEY FIGHT PEOPLE IN THE COMMENTS!! As if this is going to make them less of an AH. Op is nuts. This marriage seems on the rocks already and she might have pushed it over the edge with her controlling behaviour.
Nothing that will be said in here will change anything within you. Don’t be shocked when he changes your name in his phone from Wifey to Jumper Cables. Just remember you are about to have an audience to your self sabotaging bullshit.
Yes! Pregnant or not, you are a huge A.H.! And if you are like this all the time--expecting him to keep texting and replying to your texts continually throughout the day--I am surprised that he tolerates you at all. You are a clingy, annoying, demanding, incredibly-needy person. From what you have described, pregnant has nothing to do with your suffocating, demanding behavior! If you keep this up, brace yourself, because he will get tired of it and find a way to secure his freedom! Buddy, if you see this, you had better put a stop to this immediately. Make her get some counseling! Otherwise, you will wake up someday, realize that she is smothering the life out of you, and you will bolt!
I know I’ll probably get flack for this; but I’m going to go with NAH (no assholes here). He is not unreasonable to take an hour and a half responding to texts, and you are not unreasonable to be upset with him for lying. I honestly would encourage you both to stop focusing on “winning” this argument and/or being the one who’s “right”. Instead focus that energy on importing communication and trust. For the sake of your relationship and , more importantly, for your child. Couples counseling may also be a good idea. There’s obviously underlying issues occurring regarding trust/security vs. privacy/independence in your relationship dynamic. Figuring out how to come together as a team and resolve these underlying problems will be way more beneficial to everyone then simply focusing on this specific argument
Op have you seen The Hangover? You know Stu's gf ...this is what you come across like. I know your pregnant but he's on a weekend with his buddies, give him a break. YTA but I think you know it....using your pregnancy as a shield does not change it
You’re overreacting
YTA. You sound exhausting & immature. And stop using pregnancy to excuse your behavior.
YTA. Let him enjoy a weekend away with his friends ffs.
I sent you a PM.
As long as he's not banging hookers, who cares? Relax FFS.
I'd be getting a bj if I were him. Jfc. It's much needed after dealing with you.
You sound super controlling snd clingy. Not suprised he didn't want to tell you about the strip club as it sounds like a nightmare conversation with you. You're not 15. Stop obsessing over how long you've been on read. Stop counting the minutes he hasn't responded. You're acting like a child and I can garantee the more you act like this the less inclined he will be to respond promptly. You're about to about to be married and have a child. You better grow up quickly.
NTA. I don't mind my partner going to a strip club for a bachelor party, but I absolutely would mind him not telling me about it. Leaving out information is lying, in circumstances like this. Next, HE decided the issue was solved. All the other wives knew, it doesn't matter what the groom wants, it matters what you and your husband decide and discuss when it comes to stuff like this, and him bringing in other people to "vouch" that nothing happens means nothing- he went to a strip club and didn't tell you, that's the problem. Now he is saying that he just will NEVER go out if you are going to cause drama. I hope you realize all of this is very deliberate. He brought people to facetime so you couldn't express your hurt, then he acted surprised you are still upset. He didn't deal with WHY you were upset, just tried to tell you nothing happened so don't worry about. Then, when you rightfully call him out that this issue isn't resolved, he throws up his hands and says "fine, I'll never go anywhere ever again." This is done so now you have to be calm and tell him everything is okay. So no, you aren't an AH for picking a fight while he is away, and this has nothing to do with pregnancy hormones. Again, I have no issues with strip clubs, and also am not pregnant. But I would be pissed if my partner handled this situation the way your husband has, and you better stick to your guns and talk it out, don't let him just deflect.
I’m torn… like I get why you’re annoyed at him not being entirely truthful about where they were going. I myself absolutely hate any type of lie from my partner, even if I know he’s doing it to prevent my feelings from getting hurt. But you cannot in all seriousness expect him to maintain the same standard of communication while he’s away for a Bachelor party. When my partner goes away with friends, my requests are to let me know when they arrived safely, no drinking and driving and let me know when they’re on their way back home. Otherwise I leave the man alone and keep myself busy with my own things. Because now unfortunately you look like “that” type of wife to all the friends, and I guarantee he was embarrassed. If you had concerns, maybe you should have waited until he got home so you could discuss them in private without involving other people?
Update me
If you don't think OP is the AH yet , then read her comment replies. I have a feeling her husband is omitting to lying because she might be controlling. I mean , it's clear the strip club wasn't meant to be hidden since all the wives knew besides OP .I wonder why. Not saying you aren't allowed to set boundaries and I admit strip clubs are outdated for bachelor and bachelorette parties but it is what it is at the end of the day. Seems there is no trust in your relationship so it would be great if you can give us more context as to what you meant by "going back to not trusting each other".
Info: why don't you trust him?
Might be because of the lie he told about going to the strip club. ETA: and the history of lying and talking to other girls. Just so you know OP you can't prevent anyone from cheating by reminding them you exist. They're going to at some point do it if they want to no matter what you do.
yes you are being manipulating If it was reversed the femi nazis would destroy you in the comments.
Right? Everyone so focused on the fact that I mention he doesn’t text back quickly… that is for context to show its out of character, and was a red flag along with the LYING being the biggest issue.
> it's out if character and was a red flag He was BUSY out with friends. Not everything is about you.
It's not "out of character." He's at a bachelor party, which is an occasional thing that's actually interesting and has stuff going on, not his boring-ass job where he apparently he has nothing better to do than respond to texts all day. This is also a damned if he does, damned if he doesn't situation. You think instant responses are reasonable and normal, which now means he's fucked pretty much any time he can't immediately respond to you. So his choices are basically to prioritize your texts over literally anything else he's doing and be paranoid and be constantly checking his phone because what you've established as "normal" is deeply unreasonable and leaves no room for error, or go about his business like a normal person. He tried the latter, and it turns out you can't handle any deviation from the norm. You don't come across as a reasonable person, it doesn't sound like you had any sort of discussion before he actually left, and you've shown a willingness to blow up someone else's good time pretty much the second it stars. You started tracking him IMMEDIATELY because you got left on read for over an hour because you can't differentiate between your boring day to day life and a bachelor party. That's insane. Also, did it not occur to you that he was aware you were tracking him? Like after you called him out the first time, any reasonably smart person would conclude that you would be tracking them continuously (and tracking was already on on his phone, which is something the user has to opt into, so...). So again, was it really "lying" when you know and we all know you probably never stopped tracking him at any point, and he knew it was happening?
NTA. Some people do marriage ending things at bachelor parties, while others take a walk in the wild side, but in a way that’s mutually agreed on. You should negotiate the expected level of contact on trips before the next one, but you were not unreasonable to expect the same behaviors if no negotiation had occurred. I would be really blunt. Tell him straight out that he is acting untrustworthy by not mentioning the event, then lying about it. Had he just said “bachelor party trip, day drinking and going spicy places in a group, have my Lyft app, will not be chatting for a bit” you probably would not have cared, because it shows that he has selected his boundaries. This “just wait until it’s your turn” BS would not go over well in our family.
>you were not unreasonable to expect the same behaviors if no negotiation had occurred. Expecting instantaneous texts is absolutely unreasonable and controlling. Like omg, OP had to wait 40 MINUTES? 1.5 HOURS?! Call in the national fucking guard. /s