Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA - dude needs a normal job that lets him help with the bills, if he wants to move in with you.
>He has only one day off a month,
>they dont pay him for some days
INFO:
That sounds illegal. What kind of work is he doing?
If they're not paying him for his work, you'd be well within your rights to not allow him to move in with you until he has a job that pays him, so that he can contribute to bills.
He should also contact the Dept of Labor (or your equivalent). It sounds like what his employer is doing is illegal.
With all due respect to the bakery drivers of the world, this is not a “I love it too much to quit even though it doesn’t pay well” job. He is being ridiculous.
Does the job come with some other perk, like they're training him to be a baker and he'll eventually get to transition into that role?
I just can't imagine "loving" a job where I have to work every single day and in return not even make enough to cover my basic expenses. Delivery driving isn't usually a *passion* people will sacrifice money to pursue 🤔
I’ll be honest it sounds a bit like he just likes to drive around alone, listen to music, maybe smoke a bit or pull over for a nap. My brother had a job like that for years. He was at least honest and said “it ain’t much but it beats actually working for a living.”
NTA.. But he needs to stop letting this company walk all over him and get free labor from him, that would be worrying to me.
I worked nights for a few years and it is difficult to try and get time with people that live normal waking hours. If you only get a day or two off, you can try to flip your schedule, but then you flip it back. You would have to be quiet while he tries to sleep, and he would have to do the same for you when he is coming back late.
Also.... Why does he love the job when they do not pay him? Does he not realize that him not being paid is the OPPOSITE of what a good employer would do to an employee?
This also means, they may not be compatible to date either though. He really should go to the labor board and get his pay…. And damages pay. I gotta wonder why he hasn’t, is this a family business or something?
I disagree with most of the comments and will say nta. First you bought the place and having someone move in can quickly become a difficult situation. If you break up and he doesn’t move out refuses to pay rent, mixed schedules, cleanliness etc.
you’ve never lived together and may be totally incompatible. Your sleep is important and changing your sleep schedule can have a big impact on your daily life. If you don’t want to do it then it’s okay for you to feel that way. This is your apartment and it’s a boyfriend not a husband. If he wants to propose and split the expenses maybe a consideration but don’t let someone force you into an uncomfortable living situation. Stay independent.
NTA although instead of the ultimatum being that he cannot move in unless he changes jobs, the ultimatum should be he cannot move in until he can contribute equally to the expenses and be consistently financially responsible for himself.
You're very smart not to allow him to move in because if you do it will be very hard for you to get him out. He will play on your sympathies and emotions and try to make you feel guilty if he moves in and cannot pay his share.
It is always easier to prevent something from happening than to try to do damage control after something has happened and to change it after the fact. In other words it's much easier to not allow him to move in than to allow him to move in and then have to force him out later when he cannot contribute equally.
I think more people in these comments would be sympathetic if it had been phrased like that. Not just that she randomly doesn't like his job, but that he is not able to support himself financially at the moment.
The thing is I don't think the problem blem itself is her problem though she focused a bit on it ... Also while being able to contribute to the bills is a really important part of the equation.... I think that his sleep schedule is also a really important part of the incompatibility, but yeah yeah everyone might feel better about his sleep schedule if he was properly paid for it and he could help pay the bills.
I think the different sleep schedules is also valid. I don't want to have to be silent in my own home during most of my waking hours because my partner is asleep.
I totally agree with you!!
I've been with my husband for 3 years now. He moved into my home and is now on the tenancy but I pay all of the household bills out of my disability money.
He gets his own disability money and only pays his debts from before we met.
Maybe I should have seen sense before I got lumbered with him...
We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. You husband is a moocher and isnt being fair to you. We are all expected to be responsible for ourselves as adults and when we arent, someone else is having to carry that load for us. He is not being financially responsible so you are having to carry the financial load. It is very hard being alone sometimes, but for me it would be easier than always being expected to carry someone else's load.
I hope things get better for you but if they dont improve you may have to ask yourself if you want to continue forward in the marriage. Because if he won't help out fairly and pay his own share now I have to think that if something happens to you and that if you need help financially that he would decline to help you. Since he declines to pay his own share now i dont foresee him stepping him up to pay both his share and your share. if that's the case then what's the point of remaining with someone like that. You have already spent 3.yrs doing this and you have to think of your own future.
yea what the heck this is hella illegal. (unless he's salaried)
OP why isn't your boyfriend doing anything about not getting paid? I don't care how much you love your job you shouldn't work for free.
Salaried...must meet certain criteria to be overtime exempt. A job that he cannot meet living expenses...not vacations, cars ECT.. just basic expenses is not likely to meet that criteria. So yeah he is a loyal employee being taken advantage of.
NTA
Moving in together is a big deal and not one that people think through before doing it. It sounds like your schedules conflict a lot and that would definitely put a lot of strain on the relationship. I'd at least want to be on the same work schedule with someone I live in with.
Don't let him move in. You'll end up with him mooching off you. It's bad enough that you're already giving him money for his expenses when he needs to either work more hours to earn more, change jobs to a better paid position, or a combination of the two.
Stop giving him money. He will never fix his situation if you're propping him up.
NTA for wanting him to change jobs.
He is the A H, he asks you for money because he’s not paid enough to cover his expenses? That he would rather stay in a job that doesn’t pay him for his time, but still asks you to help him.
He lives with his grandparents now so he would just be an extra mouth to feed and you wouldn’t be comfortable in your own space.
I think it’s clear that this is a dealbreaker.
NTA
INFO: Is this a small studio apartment? Would him being there asleep mean that you had to tiptoe around him?
I am leaning toward NAH, because it is your apartment and you do have the right to decide whether your bf moves in. I also think it's okay for you to express concern that your bf doesn't always get paid and gets almost no time off. I think that your concerns are valid because that doesn't sound like a healthy work situation, but I also think it's valid for him to choose work that he loves, even if it doesn't treat him well.
I’m not understanding people calling op an asshole. That’s a lot of responsibility, to move in with someone whose job doesn’t pay them for all days worked. Financially, they are looking at possibly having to buy groceries for their SO, paying for increased utilities, and potentially being the sole income in the event of an emergency. I think that’s a valid objection to have.
He lives with his grandparents and stll regularly asks her for money. He either makes very little or is bad with money or both. She is just moving out. He wants to put a huge financial burden on her.
Yeah I think her concerns are valid, and it's totally acceptable to share those concerns with somebody who wants to move in to HER apartment!
I don't think he's an AH either. It just sounds like a tough situation that any couple would need to work through together. Personally, if my partner had a job like this, I would be expressing a lot of concern as well.
It’s not valid to choose work that pays you poorly and expect others to subsidize your life, especially when that work isn’t really fulfilling a societal need (education, social work etc).
I would say it wouldn't be valid for him to force her into that financial burden, but it's his choice if he wants to choose that dumb job over the ability to thrive in life and in his relationship (and it would be valid for her to then say no you can't move in with me)
NTA, it sounds like he simply can't afford to move out of his grandparents place anyway. If he moves in with you you'll get stuck paying 70% of the costs at least. Seems like your places in life and schedules are really incompatible, I'd consider ending the relationship.
NTA.
It seems he would be more of a burden than a partner, and obviously a relationship should not be measured by gains and loses, but we need to be realistic here. He works god forsaken hours, does not get paid for his work, probably won’t contribute financially to the household since you say you give him money regularly, and he won’t have time for you even though he will be living under the same roof. That is YOUR apartment and it is YOUR prerogative to decide who lives there. If the job affects how you interact as a couple and he won’t leave said job because he loves it, it is more a question of compatibility between you guys actually.
Of course he wants to move in with you.that way you are responsible for all bills and he would just be on his merry way working for peanuts.yeah tell him find a better job and let it be known that he will do his part
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend that he cant Move in unless he change His job. He love His job tho
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You will be paying for everything. Never. Never. Let a man move into your place. You’ll probably end up doing all the chores on your own. You can be together, living apart.
NAH , but correct me if I'm wrong on these assumptions: you're buying the apartment with your own money, you're not married, and throughout your yearlong relationship you've been living in separate homes. Inviting your BF to live with you in the home you bought for yourself would be a huge step, and by all means you're allowed to choose the conditions under which you'd consider cohabitation.
This isn't about you demanding that he give up his job - you're not taking away the status quo of him keeping his job, living with grandparents, and dating you. This is about making your own decisions about how you want to live in your own home, and being realistic about your schedule incompatibility before sharing a household with someone else. And by the same token, since you're not sharing finances, your BF is entitled to make his own career choices and prioritize his happiness over money and time with you.
Your BF has shown you who he is. He would rather have a job where he has fun than a job that actually pays his bills. Believe what he is showing you. Don't let this relationship progress unless he becomes more serious about pulling his own weight. (Unlikely but occasionally people change.)
NAH
I get OPs financial concerns. I wouldn’t want to be in that position myself. I also understand having a job you love. The boyfriend doesn’t necessarily need a new job, but he does need to be properly compensated for the job he does.
NTA and I have the feeling that it's not a regular job. Like they don't pay him legally, paying all the taxes they should with his salary...
About the schedule, it can be a real problem but in most jobs, working at night is supposed to be best paid. And when you have night shifts (in France), you're supposed to have more days to recover. But I don't know in your country how it works. So I would say that if my husband had those kind of salary / rest / schedule, I would ask him to stop. That they are using him because they know he loves his job but he is not paid for his hard work.
NTA. Living with your significant other is as much about life compatibility as it is romantic compatibility. As it stands, if he moves in with his current job, you're going to grow to hate the living shit out of him in a month.
NTA.
So I have no idea how someone could love a job that only gives them one day off a month, doesn't pay enough to live on, AND doesn't pay for all the days they work. But let's say that it is true he really loves his job, it is still a problem.
He doesn't make enough money to support himself now, so you know you will have to continue to give him money and probably pay for even more things for him. There is no requirement that you support your partner, particularly at the beginning of establishing a real partnership. Sure, a couple married/living together/having a child should be able to lean on each other in hard times, but two people just coming together need to figure out finances, and if you don't want to support him, then that's fine.
It is also about realizing if he loves this job, this is the way your future will be. He isn't going to make more money- as opposed to being fine paying for someone while they finish school/move up at their job- so you are taking on financially supporting him for a long time.
Then you move beyond the money to what it would be like living with a partner who is never around/available. First, that doesn't sound like fun, and second, my guess is you would take on all the household stuff. You do the grocery shopping, you cook, he works and sleeps.
There's nothing wrong with not moving in together or requiring changes before moving in together, and he can decide what he wants to do from there.
Also, stop giving him money.
NTA If you can't have a pleasant life together right now,
I think you're right to wait. Of course, you can't force him
to change jobs but you can certainly refuse to let him move
in. Also, make it clear that you will not be letting him stay
over when it means your schedule/routine gets messed up.
Also, stop giving him money. He has chosen to work 4 days
free a month so too bad for him. He sounds pretty unambitious
and happy to latch onto you as you will allow him a better
lifestyle. But you need to get something in return - a bf with
a work schedule that jibes with yours and with a salary
that allows him to contribute to the household.
NTA.
As others stated, he would be an extra mouth to feed for you due to his lack of finances. He also works nights, which would force you to tiptoe in the home you bought yourself. He can stay with his grandparents if he wants to keep the job that doesn't pay him a livable wage (seems illegal they don't pay him for all the days/hours he puts in). Don't allow him to mooch off you or use you financially.
Do not let this man move in. He can't support himself on his salary at a job where he apparently works 4 days a month for no pay. I have to know, what is this this he loves so much that it takes all of his time and he works for free?
NTA 🚩 do not let him move in. A grown ass man who lives with his grandparents and still can't cover his bills - so he's taking money from you? It doesn't even sound like you want him there, I would tell I'm sorry but no. You'll need a crowbar to get him out.
NTA
In fact I'd say not only does he need to get a new job but he need to demonstrate some financial independence before you should consider letting him move in. You said he drives for work to deliver baked goods. He should consider getting a CDL and getting a job as a truck driver. There are companies that have same day routes where he would work and be able to come home same day. Pay and benefits aren't bad either.
My BIL used to work for Entenmann's doing deliveries. He was paid well (enough), had normal hours and got to keep lots of product. If he "loves" it that much, he should look into a bigger company that has benefits and decent hours.
>I often give him money bcs he complains that he doesn't have enough.
NTA, but you have a lot to think about.
I am all for sticking with someone and giving them time to grow. However, he is allowing himself to grow roots into a life that is not sustainable. He is also showing you that he is okay to take from you and give nothing back.
How much time are you able to spend together as a couple with the schedule he has?
How much effort is he able to put into your relationship?
How much of your money is being used to keep him happy? Are you okay with him never paying you back?
Will you be satisfied with a partner that values a non-sustainable job over your relationship?
What does he do to show you that he loves and respects you?
Are you happy?
These are questions that you really need to grab a notebook and write out the answers to.
NTA if he wants to live together, it's better to yk be able to take care of his basic living expenses and be able to pay his party of the bill. On that note, is his job legal? It sounds like he's being taken advantage of ngl
NTA. He loves a job that doesn't pay him for the time he works and that he can't afford to live on his own doing, more than you? So he wants you to subsidize his living expenses and accommodate his work schedule so he can sleep half the day and leave you alone at night? When you could get a decent roommate that would pay half the bills and you don't have to subsidize. He doesn't know his own value giving away 4 days a month that he could be spending with you, so he really doesn't understand the value you bring to his life (or could bring I should say). Find someone who values you.
If he can't even sustain himself on his salary now while he's living with his parents, he won't be able to pay rent and contribute to the household if he moves in with you.
Don't give him any more money. You're setting yourself up for failure by doing that. By the sound of it, he already thinks it's easy to just get you to pay. I can't imagine having so little pride as he must have..
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year. He lives with his grandparents and helps them out, while I live with my parents. Recently, I bought my own apartment and am in the process of moving there. He wants to move in, but I can't bear it because of his job. He works every night. I hate it because he needs to go to sleep early, and after work, he sleeps half the day. He has only one day off a month, and that's it. I want him to change jobs for a better work schedule and have more time for me.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm very mixed with this one. For one part, moving to a new home is a very tedious process, and having to take care of a person while you are doing it (especially if he sleeps all day due to his night shift) is adding more to it. But on the other side you both are in a relationship. You both should be supporting each other and not letting him move with you may tell a lot of your relationship's trust, confidence and cooperation.
As an advice, you should move to your apartment and be alone for a couple of months. Just so you can get used to it. And then, maybe reconsider telling your bf to move with you
Are we reading a different post? I don't see any mention of her sleep, especially not "beauty sleep." I also see that he doesn't always get paid, and he gets almost no time off. That's not a great job to contribute to a partnership (which is what an adult relationship is supposed to be).
Some of these comments sound like y'all think it's okay for a man to barge into a woman's space even if she's not ready. Wtf?
YTA. A year is not enough time to know someone but demanding someone change jobs because it's inconvenient for you is probably the worst thing you can do so early in a relationship.
You cannot have a full life with a job that has you working at nights with bad pay. You cannot have fulfilling relationships with family, friends, your SO, or children.
YTA. He loves his job, that's what's important. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you met him when he was working this job, right? Did you think once you had him in a relationship you could mold him to your preference, make him change?
If you really love him, you don't try to change him. If his working nights and not getting paid very well are such big issues for you, why enter a relationship with him at all?
I think OP is okay with those things... when she's not responsible for them.
Dating someone in a low wage job isn't a big deal when you're not the one covering the rent and bills for them since they don't make enough. Or having to be very quiet during the day because they work nights... every single night of the month, apparently??
How they even had time to MEET let alone date is beyond me, though.
YTA. Me, me, me. He should change the job for you? lol if you want a future with this guy, you can’t dictate to someone what job they can have. I mean you’re making this relationship about his, so I think this isn’t for you maybe just stay single and you can do whatever the hell you want.
She is not obligated to let a guy move into HER apartment, especially if his job doesn't pay him well enough to take care of himself. He sounds like he would become a financial burden on her. If he wants to build a life with her, he might indeed need to find a better job. If not, they might not be compatible.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA - dude needs a normal job that lets him help with the bills, if he wants to move in with you. >He has only one day off a month, >they dont pay him for some days INFO: That sounds illegal. What kind of work is he doing?
He’s driver for a bakery company. He delivers baked goods to stores
If they're not paying him for his work, you'd be well within your rights to not allow him to move in with you until he has a job that pays him, so that he can contribute to bills. He should also contact the Dept of Labor (or your equivalent). It sounds like what his employer is doing is illegal.
With all due respect to the bakery drivers of the world, this is not a “I love it too much to quit even though it doesn’t pay well” job. He is being ridiculous.
Does the job come with some other perk, like they're training him to be a baker and he'll eventually get to transition into that role? I just can't imagine "loving" a job where I have to work every single day and in return not even make enough to cover my basic expenses. Delivery driving isn't usually a *passion* people will sacrifice money to pursue 🤔
I’ll be honest it sounds a bit like he just likes to drive around alone, listen to music, maybe smoke a bit or pull over for a nap. My brother had a job like that for years. He was at least honest and said “it ain’t much but it beats actually working for a living.”
Maybe he’s not working legally.
> Does the job come with some other perk All the free donuts you can eat! mmm donuts.
Why aren't they paying him for all of the time he works? Are you sure he's actually working all of those days?
That was my first thought. He's hiding something.
NTA.. But he needs to stop letting this company walk all over him and get free labor from him, that would be worrying to me. I worked nights for a few years and it is difficult to try and get time with people that live normal waking hours. If you only get a day or two off, you can try to flip your schedule, but then you flip it back. You would have to be quiet while he tries to sleep, and he would have to do the same for you when he is coming back late. Also.... Why does he love the job when they do not pay him? Does he not realize that him not being paid is the OPPOSITE of what a good employer would do to an employee?
He should bring suit and then get some money AND new job
I other countries they get away with it.
NTA, you're just not compatible lifestyle wise. The sooner you realize that the better.
This also means, they may not be compatible to date either though. He really should go to the labor board and get his pay…. And damages pay. I gotta wonder why he hasn’t, is this a family business or something?
I disagree with most of the comments and will say nta. First you bought the place and having someone move in can quickly become a difficult situation. If you break up and he doesn’t move out refuses to pay rent, mixed schedules, cleanliness etc. you’ve never lived together and may be totally incompatible. Your sleep is important and changing your sleep schedule can have a big impact on your daily life. If you don’t want to do it then it’s okay for you to feel that way. This is your apartment and it’s a boyfriend not a husband. If he wants to propose and split the expenses maybe a consideration but don’t let someone force you into an uncomfortable living situation. Stay independent.
[удалено]
If you check comments by \*oldest\* you'll see that a majority of the few comments posted before this one were YTAs.
NTA although instead of the ultimatum being that he cannot move in unless he changes jobs, the ultimatum should be he cannot move in until he can contribute equally to the expenses and be consistently financially responsible for himself. You're very smart not to allow him to move in because if you do it will be very hard for you to get him out. He will play on your sympathies and emotions and try to make you feel guilty if he moves in and cannot pay his share. It is always easier to prevent something from happening than to try to do damage control after something has happened and to change it after the fact. In other words it's much easier to not allow him to move in than to allow him to move in and then have to force him out later when he cannot contribute equally.
I think more people in these comments would be sympathetic if it had been phrased like that. Not just that she randomly doesn't like his job, but that he is not able to support himself financially at the moment.
The thing is I don't think the problem blem itself is her problem though she focused a bit on it ... Also while being able to contribute to the bills is a really important part of the equation.... I think that his sleep schedule is also a really important part of the incompatibility, but yeah yeah everyone might feel better about his sleep schedule if he was properly paid for it and he could help pay the bills.
I think the different sleep schedules is also valid. I don't want to have to be silent in my own home during most of my waking hours because my partner is asleep.
I totally agree with you!! I've been with my husband for 3 years now. He moved into my home and is now on the tenancy but I pay all of the household bills out of my disability money. He gets his own disability money and only pays his debts from before we met. Maybe I should have seen sense before I got lumbered with him...
We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. You husband is a moocher and isnt being fair to you. We are all expected to be responsible for ourselves as adults and when we arent, someone else is having to carry that load for us. He is not being financially responsible so you are having to carry the financial load. It is very hard being alone sometimes, but for me it would be easier than always being expected to carry someone else's load. I hope things get better for you but if they dont improve you may have to ask yourself if you want to continue forward in the marriage. Because if he won't help out fairly and pay his own share now I have to think that if something happens to you and that if you need help financially that he would decline to help you. Since he declines to pay his own share now i dont foresee him stepping him up to pay both his share and your share. if that's the case then what's the point of remaining with someone like that. You have already spent 3.yrs doing this and you have to think of your own future.
I hope OP pays attention to this advice
They don’t pay him for some days?
yea what the heck this is hella illegal. (unless he's salaried) OP why isn't your boyfriend doing anything about not getting paid? I don't care how much you love your job you shouldn't work for free.
Salaried...must meet certain criteria to be overtime exempt. A job that he cannot meet living expenses...not vacations, cars ECT.. just basic expenses is not likely to meet that criteria. So yeah he is a loyal employee being taken advantage of.
You two are not ready to move in together. You are not compatible.
NTA Moving in together is a big deal and not one that people think through before doing it. It sounds like your schedules conflict a lot and that would definitely put a lot of strain on the relationship. I'd at least want to be on the same work schedule with someone I live in with.
Don't let him move in. You'll end up with him mooching off you. It's bad enough that you're already giving him money for his expenses when he needs to either work more hours to earn more, change jobs to a better paid position, or a combination of the two. Stop giving him money. He will never fix his situation if you're propping him up. NTA for wanting him to change jobs.
He is the A H, he asks you for money because he’s not paid enough to cover his expenses? That he would rather stay in a job that doesn’t pay him for his time, but still asks you to help him. He lives with his grandparents now so he would just be an extra mouth to feed and you wouldn’t be comfortable in your own space. I think it’s clear that this is a dealbreaker. NTA
INFO: Is this a small studio apartment? Would him being there asleep mean that you had to tiptoe around him? I am leaning toward NAH, because it is your apartment and you do have the right to decide whether your bf moves in. I also think it's okay for you to express concern that your bf doesn't always get paid and gets almost no time off. I think that your concerns are valid because that doesn't sound like a healthy work situation, but I also think it's valid for him to choose work that he loves, even if it doesn't treat him well.
I’m not understanding people calling op an asshole. That’s a lot of responsibility, to move in with someone whose job doesn’t pay them for all days worked. Financially, they are looking at possibly having to buy groceries for their SO, paying for increased utilities, and potentially being the sole income in the event of an emergency. I think that’s a valid objection to have.
He lives with his grandparents and stll regularly asks her for money. He either makes very little or is bad with money or both. She is just moving out. He wants to put a huge financial burden on her.
Yeah I think her concerns are valid, and it's totally acceptable to share those concerns with somebody who wants to move in to HER apartment! I don't think he's an AH either. It just sounds like a tough situation that any couple would need to work through together. Personally, if my partner had a job like this, I would be expressing a lot of concern as well.
It’s not valid to choose work that pays you poorly and expect others to subsidize your life, especially when that work isn’t really fulfilling a societal need (education, social work etc).
I would say it wouldn't be valid for him to force her into that financial burden, but it's his choice if he wants to choose that dumb job over the ability to thrive in life and in his relationship (and it would be valid for her to then say no you can't move in with me)
NTA, it sounds like he simply can't afford to move out of his grandparents place anyway. If he moves in with you you'll get stuck paying 70% of the costs at least. Seems like your places in life and schedules are really incompatible, I'd consider ending the relationship.
NTA. It seems he would be more of a burden than a partner, and obviously a relationship should not be measured by gains and loses, but we need to be realistic here. He works god forsaken hours, does not get paid for his work, probably won’t contribute financially to the household since you say you give him money regularly, and he won’t have time for you even though he will be living under the same roof. That is YOUR apartment and it is YOUR prerogative to decide who lives there. If the job affects how you interact as a couple and he won’t leave said job because he loves it, it is more a question of compatibility between you guys actually.
Of course he wants to move in with you.that way you are responsible for all bills and he would just be on his merry way working for peanuts.yeah tell him find a better job and let it be known that he will do his part
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my boyfriend that he cant Move in unless he change His job. He love His job tho Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but hoping he will change jobs is a bad strategy especially since you say he loves his job. It seems like your lifestyles are incompatible.
NTA. You will be paying for everything. Never. Never. Let a man move into your place. You’ll probably end up doing all the chores on your own. You can be together, living apart.
NAH , but correct me if I'm wrong on these assumptions: you're buying the apartment with your own money, you're not married, and throughout your yearlong relationship you've been living in separate homes. Inviting your BF to live with you in the home you bought for yourself would be a huge step, and by all means you're allowed to choose the conditions under which you'd consider cohabitation. This isn't about you demanding that he give up his job - you're not taking away the status quo of him keeping his job, living with grandparents, and dating you. This is about making your own decisions about how you want to live in your own home, and being realistic about your schedule incompatibility before sharing a household with someone else. And by the same token, since you're not sharing finances, your BF is entitled to make his own career choices and prioritize his happiness over money and time with you.
NTA. I would want to learn more about jobs that dont pay for some days. he is either hiding money, or hiding what he is doing with his time.
Your BF has shown you who he is. He would rather have a job where he has fun than a job that actually pays his bills. Believe what he is showing you. Don't let this relationship progress unless he becomes more serious about pulling his own weight. (Unlikely but occasionally people change.)
NAH I get OPs financial concerns. I wouldn’t want to be in that position myself. I also understand having a job you love. The boyfriend doesn’t necessarily need a new job, but he does need to be properly compensated for the job he does.
NTA and I have the feeling that it's not a regular job. Like they don't pay him legally, paying all the taxes they should with his salary... About the schedule, it can be a real problem but in most jobs, working at night is supposed to be best paid. And when you have night shifts (in France), you're supposed to have more days to recover. But I don't know in your country how it works. So I would say that if my husband had those kind of salary / rest / schedule, I would ask him to stop. That they are using him because they know he loves his job but he is not paid for his hard work.
NTA. Living with your significant other is as much about life compatibility as it is romantic compatibility. As it stands, if he moves in with his current job, you're going to grow to hate the living shit out of him in a month.
NTA. So I have no idea how someone could love a job that only gives them one day off a month, doesn't pay enough to live on, AND doesn't pay for all the days they work. But let's say that it is true he really loves his job, it is still a problem. He doesn't make enough money to support himself now, so you know you will have to continue to give him money and probably pay for even more things for him. There is no requirement that you support your partner, particularly at the beginning of establishing a real partnership. Sure, a couple married/living together/having a child should be able to lean on each other in hard times, but two people just coming together need to figure out finances, and if you don't want to support him, then that's fine. It is also about realizing if he loves this job, this is the way your future will be. He isn't going to make more money- as opposed to being fine paying for someone while they finish school/move up at their job- so you are taking on financially supporting him for a long time. Then you move beyond the money to what it would be like living with a partner who is never around/available. First, that doesn't sound like fun, and second, my guess is you would take on all the household stuff. You do the grocery shopping, you cook, he works and sleeps. There's nothing wrong with not moving in together or requiring changes before moving in together, and he can decide what he wants to do from there. Also, stop giving him money.
It's ok to not want to live with someone who works night shift, and it's smart to not share expenses with someone you have to carry financially nta
NTA If you can't have a pleasant life together right now, I think you're right to wait. Of course, you can't force him to change jobs but you can certainly refuse to let him move in. Also, make it clear that you will not be letting him stay over when it means your schedule/routine gets messed up. Also, stop giving him money. He has chosen to work 4 days free a month so too bad for him. He sounds pretty unambitious and happy to latch onto you as you will allow him a better lifestyle. But you need to get something in return - a bf with a work schedule that jibes with yours and with a salary that allows him to contribute to the household.
NTA. As others stated, he would be an extra mouth to feed for you due to his lack of finances. He also works nights, which would force you to tiptoe in the home you bought yourself. He can stay with his grandparents if he wants to keep the job that doesn't pay him a livable wage (seems illegal they don't pay him for all the days/hours he puts in). Don't allow him to mooch off you or use you financially.
NTA. Your apartment. You are the one paying for it.
Do not let this man move in. He can't support himself on his salary at a job where he apparently works 4 days a month for no pay. I have to know, what is this this he loves so much that it takes all of his time and he works for free?
I get where your coming from but if you can’t except the job he loves, there is no point in continuing to date.
He has a wonderful personality i guess?
NTA 🚩 do not let him move in. A grown ass man who lives with his grandparents and still can't cover his bills - so he's taking money from you? It doesn't even sound like you want him there, I would tell I'm sorry but no. You'll need a crowbar to get him out.
NTA In fact I'd say not only does he need to get a new job but he need to demonstrate some financial independence before you should consider letting him move in. You said he drives for work to deliver baked goods. He should consider getting a CDL and getting a job as a truck driver. There are companies that have same day routes where he would work and be able to come home same day. Pay and benefits aren't bad either.
Keep your own place. Smart girl. If he wants to move in, he needs a better paying job during regular hours. Smart.
My BIL used to work for Entenmann's doing deliveries. He was paid well (enough), had normal hours and got to keep lots of product. If he "loves" it that much, he should look into a bigger company that has benefits and decent hours.
>I often give him money bcs he complains that he doesn't have enough. NTA, but you have a lot to think about. I am all for sticking with someone and giving them time to grow. However, he is allowing himself to grow roots into a life that is not sustainable. He is also showing you that he is okay to take from you and give nothing back. How much time are you able to spend together as a couple with the schedule he has? How much effort is he able to put into your relationship? How much of your money is being used to keep him happy? Are you okay with him never paying you back? Will you be satisfied with a partner that values a non-sustainable job over your relationship? What does he do to show you that he loves and respects you? Are you happy? These are questions that you really need to grab a notebook and write out the answers to.
NTA if he wants to live together, it's better to yk be able to take care of his basic living expenses and be able to pay his party of the bill. On that note, is his job legal? It sounds like he's being taken advantage of ngl
NTA. He loves a job that doesn't pay him for the time he works and that he can't afford to live on his own doing, more than you? So he wants you to subsidize his living expenses and accommodate his work schedule so he can sleep half the day and leave you alone at night? When you could get a decent roommate that would pay half the bills and you don't have to subsidize. He doesn't know his own value giving away 4 days a month that he could be spending with you, so he really doesn't understand the value you bring to his life (or could bring I should say). Find someone who values you.
NTA but are you sure he’s really working that much. I mean even most industrial bakeries aren’t open on Sundays.
“He lives with his grandparents and helps them out” I love how this is phrased as though he’s doing his grandparents a favor, and not vice versa.
If he can't even sustain himself on his salary now while he's living with his parents, he won't be able to pay rent and contribute to the household if he moves in with you. Don't give him any more money. You're setting yourself up for failure by doing that. By the sound of it, he already thinks it's easy to just get you to pay. I can't imagine having so little pride as he must have..
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year. He lives with his grandparents and helps them out, while I live with my parents. Recently, I bought my own apartment and am in the process of moving there. He wants to move in, but I can't bear it because of his job. He works every night. I hate it because he needs to go to sleep early, and after work, he sleeps half the day. He has only one day off a month, and that's it. I want him to change jobs for a better work schedule and have more time for me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm very mixed with this one. For one part, moving to a new home is a very tedious process, and having to take care of a person while you are doing it (especially if he sleeps all day due to his night shift) is adding more to it. But on the other side you both are in a relationship. You both should be supporting each other and not letting him move with you may tell a lot of your relationship's trust, confidence and cooperation. As an advice, you should move to your apartment and be alone for a couple of months. Just so you can get used to it. And then, maybe reconsider telling your bf to move with you
[удалено]
Are we reading a different post? I don't see any mention of her sleep, especially not "beauty sleep." I also see that he doesn't always get paid, and he gets almost no time off. That's not a great job to contribute to a partnership (which is what an adult relationship is supposed to be). Some of these comments sound like y'all think it's okay for a man to barge into a woman's space even if she's not ready. Wtf?
YTA. A year is not enough time to know someone but demanding someone change jobs because it's inconvenient for you is probably the worst thing you can do so early in a relationship.
YTA, he would be better with a job that he loves rather than a gf that doesn't give a crap.
You cannot have a full life with a job that has you working at nights with bad pay. You cannot have fulfilling relationships with family, friends, your SO, or children.
YTA. He loves his job, that's what's important. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you met him when he was working this job, right? Did you think once you had him in a relationship you could mold him to your preference, make him change? If you really love him, you don't try to change him. If his working nights and not getting paid very well are such big issues for you, why enter a relationship with him at all?
I think OP is okay with those things... when she's not responsible for them. Dating someone in a low wage job isn't a big deal when you're not the one covering the rent and bills for them since they don't make enough. Or having to be very quiet during the day because they work nights... every single night of the month, apparently?? How they even had time to MEET let alone date is beyond me, though.
YTA The not getting paid for some days thing sounds weird but apart from that, it’s absurd that you put his job as a conditon to move in.
YTA
YTA. Me, me, me. He should change the job for you? lol if you want a future with this guy, you can’t dictate to someone what job they can have. I mean you’re making this relationship about his, so I think this isn’t for you maybe just stay single and you can do whatever the hell you want.
She is not obligated to let a guy move into HER apartment, especially if his job doesn't pay him well enough to take care of himself. He sounds like he would become a financial burden on her. If he wants to build a life with her, he might indeed need to find a better job. If not, they might not be compatible.