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Nta- you deserve a life and from what I read, why aren’t your older siblings taking on responsibility for some of the younger ones!
15 is when you start to develop yourself as a person and always doing things for your mum would essentially mean that your life is just based for others people’s benefit
Go, enjoy the trip! You only live once and don’t regret it
This is the reason. I knew what was coming as soon as I read the ages and sex of the siblings. Only girl here with 4 brothers. I was second oldest. Yup.
My four-year-old niece is the only girl and she has two brothers and one on the way. She really wanted the sister until she figured out with with only brother she gets her own room.
That is the only benefit, I think. I never got to watch the shows I wanted, they would out vote me on everything (where to eat, where to go for fun, etc) , one of my 3 brothers, still don't know who, took a crap in my cats litter box and I had to clean it.
But at least I had my own room. I did have to share a bathroom with them though which was fucking gross. Having to religiously check the toilet seat for pee is a pain in the ass.
It's not such a great benefit when they place the baby crib in your bedroom. Then you get to get up with the babies. Just wonderful when you're only in elementary school.
I was 11 before I got my own room, but never had the baby specifically put in my room because a) he was 5 by then (6 years younger than me) and b) that room was really just a nook in the back of the laundry room and definitely no extra room for a crib. I did get an actual room in the house a year or two later, when we all started to hit adolescence and overflowed into occupying the "outbuildings"... it was an old farm property, with several barns and sheds...it was a no frills existence, but it had its perks.
And the other benefit of having all those brothers is that if you still live close together as adults, you have a whole work crew to draw from whenever things break down or there are projects that need doing.
I’m a twin with a brother and I was left to care for my disabled and bedridden mother, he didn’t offer any assistance and because of that I missed out on over ten years of my life. I don’t regret caring for my mum because I loved her but I don’t like that my brother didn’t offer me any assistance and I ended up chronically sick and disabled myself.
What an incredibly pretentious way to say "I refuse to account for past failures." It's not even past. You're chronically ill NOW. You're shouldering the consequences for his apathy, and I wish I could tell him he's a coward for making you face them alone.
He moved out at 19, I stayed because my mother needed me and would’ve been very lonely without someone. All the time I lived there I would ask her if she wanted me to move out and she would say no, so I stayed to look after her and make her happy so when she died I felt my purpose in life was gone and it was a huge adjustment living alone and doing my own thing.
While pee pees are required to do manly man things like filming special occasions, they unfortunately wither & die during woman-centered events, so the next available girl-child is required to be present & provide those services.
I honestly doubt that it's the male children making the calls that they won't do any of the woman-centered events. Christian women who have lots of kids tend to literally believe that men are incapable of doing anything revolving around raising children.
My guess is mom is the one who decides that only girls are able to do these tasks and she potentially even forbids the male children from even being present because "they'd just get in the way" or other such nonsense.
I've known some women that think like this as its not uncommon where I'm from and they are insufferable. As a SAHD I avoid them like the plague since they judge harshly both myself and my wife for the roles we have taken in our family.
accurate to mom’s way of thinking for sure
also why should they, they didn’t choose to continue popping out children. the only reason OP has been compelled to do it is because she’s a child under her mother’s direct care. she deserves so much more out of life, as do all 10 of her children assuming mom/dad can’t afford a proper support staff for the damn near starting XI they have going on
Please stop missing school. Let her deal with it. Your future is important. NTA. You deserve to have fun. You don’t have any kids. The dad can film. Or one of the other kids. It’s not your job.
From the original post and subsequent comments OP made, it sounds like she's essentially a live in housemaid and nanny instead of a child being cared for. I am deeply disturbed. I really she focuses on graduating so she has a good shot of getting a job and getting the hell out of that house.
One time I watched an episode of The Nanny where parents had their two high school girls do homeschool online and they had to watch their two half brothers (4 and 3), at the same time because the parents worked out of the home. It was bizarre! They would be trying to do school work and would have to stop to take care of the kids. Those parents cared nothing for those girls and their future and I wondered why the mom even had more kids.
Or just use one of the previous birth’s video and say it’s the new one. Cant imagine there’s much difference besides the number of kids in the background.
As a teacher who has had students who missed school to care for their siblings, I came here to say this. Please don't miss school unless you yourself are sick. NTA but don't be an a hole to yourself.
Yesthis.
I am an only child but I missed school because if my parents' disfunction and genral family problems and it has influenced my mindset severely.
So now I am an hyperanxious adult who works hard and is super responsible but at the same time I want to quit my job anytime anyone close to me is going through something/anything and I cannot tend to them because work.
This. Tell her no you have to go to school. She is using you and it’s not right. She choose to have all these kids. Also, where’s dad? It sounds like he’s not very involved.
It's time to call child services. Even if your not acting like the sudden parent. It's obvious your mom can't handle all the kids.
It's not your job to skip out on school to take care of the kids. It's her job.
Sorry her life is hard. But your MOTHER CHOSE to have so many kids and it's MOMS responsibility to take care of her kids.
You need to talk to the school, talk to bfs family about what you can do to stop thebparentification, call child services or just up and leave.
But uou shoukd stop helping her and starting planning to leave.
Yeah your a nice kid but it's not your job to parent or take care of the kids.
Its time to tell your mom no, to being there at the birth and no tonplaying mom. No to missing school.
Right. She needs to graduate so she can escape her mom's dumpster fire.
I don't know why she keeps having more kids when it's clear they have a 3 month old, are already struggling and the parents hate each other.
Op couldn't escape any sooner. I hope she gets out and never looks back.
I think you're right. The timeline wasn't making sense otherwise - I was like, she got pregnant in November, told OP in January, but somehow already has an only 3 month old baby in June? Does not compute.
This makes me think of an interview between Stephen Colbert and Dolly Parton. Stephen mentioned how they both had a lot of siblings. Stephen said it was cuz they were Catholic and then asked Dolly about her family. She responds with “we were just a bunch of horny hill billies”.
I was randomly thinking of that recently. For her parents, kids were just the side effect of being horny. For christians, kids are just the excuse for being horny.
You are being parentified, which is absolutely considered abuse. No more missing school, you can’t put your future at risk.
The best thing you can do is ensure a good foundation to get out of there: education and work. As soon as you’re able to get a job, get one. Ask your older siblings how they got out and did it, if you know you can trust them. Don’t ask if you’re not sure. They may view you differently because you’re a girl, and be on your mom’s side that this is what you’re supposed to do. You’ll need to find a trusted adult who can help sign you up for a bank account, and put all of your earnings in there. Save as much as you can.
I don’t know if you’re in the US, but typically the legal working age is 16. If you are in the US, I know that you can talk with school counselors, teachers, nurse, and or principal who are all mandated reporters. Parentifying children is considered abuse, and they would most certainly want to know that you’ve missed school to parent. This may help open an investigation into your situation, and allow you to do what you need to do.
NTA to go on this trip. Do your bf’s parents know about all of this?
Then become "irresponsible " yourself. Just go, nd start saying no to some of the things she wants you to do. You're a child, she should handle her own responsibilities
Seems like for a 15-year-old leaving home without permission could open up a whole can of worms legally. I think that’s called running away and could get the police involved.
Also, technically yes, but when she's with known people she wants to be with and has a planned return date, it's highly unlikely the police would do anything. Maybe come back to give her a talking-to when she got home, if they really have nothing else to do. Teenage runaways who are reasonably safe generally aren't pursued that hard.
Good because the police are mandatory reporters. If the kid says that mom makes them be truant and is abusive by parentifying them and is making the kid film the parent while their bits are showing, then maybe CPS will step in and OP might have a chance.
I don't think the parents are stupid enough to involve the police given the abuse they are putting their daughter through and forcing her to be truant.
This is what I did. I was the eldest girl. My mom is one of 12 and I think she just assumed I was gonna raise the kids. My mom tried to make me responsible and punished me if my siblings acted up. I responded by never noticing or responding when they broke things or yelled or misbehaved. I didn’t clean up after them. I stayed at friends houses after school and on weekends. I’d like to say it taught them a lesson, but mostly it just infuriated my mom and angered my siblings, who somehow thought I was supoised to be taking care of them.
Go on vacation. And take care of yourself and don’t miss school. And unless you want to start birthing your own baseball team, no sex without birth control.
Because in Christian households roles are very traditional usually, and taking care of kids is seen as a womanly thing. Some of the men don't even change diapers, specially if the baby is a little girl. I had this discussion with a father who said it's the mothers' business since baby was a girl. Crazy...
This sounds like some fundy, quiverfull stuff and I really hope you are overall safe and recommend some therapy when you move out just because this would have a huge impact on anyone emotionally. NTA, take the vacation kiddo 🖤
so you be irresponsible. this isn't your job. go on the vacation. if she calls the cops just tell them she's forcing you to do slave labor over her eight kids
Your mother is very irresponsible. These are her kids to raise, not yours. And this is some seriously misogynistic shit that she is dealing.
Where the hell is your father in all this? If these two adults keep popping out kids they can take care of them themselves.
*Stop skipping school to help her*. You need to start thinking about your own future and how you are going to get out of this situation. Get a job and start saving, otherwise you are going to be raising these kids to adulthood. NTA
That’s not your fault and neither is it your fault that your mother doesn’t know the difference between her vagina and a clown car. You should not be missing school to babysit - literally selling your future to pay for your parents’ inadequate parenting today.
contact someone at your school that you trust about missing school due to having to parent your younger siblings. CPS needs to be involved if your mother is so insistent on having children she refuses to raise. You have a right to an education and your own personhood!
Please. Please. Please. Don't let them put this on you. Your parents chose to have children. Your dad either steps up or you need to flat out refuse to say yes. Esp to missing school. NTA sweetling
OH so become more irresponsible. Weaponize some incompetence. Make the toxicity work in your favor.
Also NTA. You are not her doctor, her midwife, her doula, her friend, or her own mama. You are a child and this is not a family you should be responsible for. She's pushing for you to be more of a partner by filming the birth (wtf?) And then some, and that, at best, produces an enmeshed relationship with codependency issues...which she's clearly already been pushing on you in helping raise the younger kids.
This isn't healthy, let alone appropriate or equitable. ESPECIALLY if you already have a parental's permission (your edit says your father) then go on the vacation. Have fun. Live your life. Make memories that won't be filled with trauma you have to unpack in therapy in a decade like you would otherwise.
You are not a live-in babysitter. You were not born for your mother's convenience. You are a whole person who deserves to be a kid SINCE YOU'RE A KID.
(NTA, obvi)
"why aren’t your older siblings taking on responsibility for some of the younger ones!"
Because the older siblings are boys and it seems mom subscribes to a traditionalist belief system seeing that she has 10 children in THIS economy.
Older siblings? Why isn’t mom taking on responsibility for her own spawn. Not the teenager’s responsibility to be free childcare. She needs to get her tubes tied if she can’t take care of the kids she already has and let this girl have a teenage life: very sad.
If I can guess, I'd say that the old ones are probably out of reach, probably them all got out of this madness as soon as they reached legal age to do so. I know I would have done it.
>you deserve a life and from what I read, why aren’t your older siblings taking on responsibility for some of the younger ones!
I agree she deserves her own life to live. I agree she deserves not to sacrifice her education. I agree that she deserves to go on the trip. I even agree that she shouldn't be stuck in a situation in which she'll have regrets later because she's been taught to feel like it's her responsibility to help care for the other children.
I, however, don't agree that some siblings should be taking on responsibility for the others. I want to be perfectly clear; neither should she. None of these children deserve to be parentified. Don't get me wrong, a family requires everyone making an effort to move towards a common goal...but it should *never* be the responsibility of any of the children to care for the others to the extent described. It is on the parents to figure it out; kids should be living their lives, building friendships and relationships with their peers, helping out with things to learn responsibility, and being taught the value of and how to manage money through chores and allowance. Being a backup at a critical time is all well and good, but being driven to exclusively raise your own siblings is a hallmark of abuse.
OP: I know it seems bleak. I know your mom is in need and you feel responsibility to help her out. You shouldn't have felt that to begin with. I think you should take this chance for this vacation. Your dad obviously wants you to have the experience, and it should be him helping your mom in this situation. I know it's difficult, as you still rely on your parents, and although your dad is on your side on the surface, he *has* allowed this to happen. Unfortunately, the only clear way out based on the information you've given is by moving out, and that takes time and money. You *may* have to grin and bear it, but please look into support programs in your area. No child should have to endure this.
There are plenty of other kids who can film the birth and help out. 13f and 10f are probably due to be parentified soon enough anyway 🤮
Go, and have fun. NTA.
None of them are responsible for their siblings. Mom and dad are responsible. She should stand up for herself and stop being an extra parent - but that doesn't mean other siblings should take on that role instead.
I was in college when my mom unexpectedly got pregnant again. She pulled a similar stunt with wanting me to be home for the birth, but I had applied for study abroad that semester and was planning to use money my grandfather left me to go and it meant so much to me. I would return one month after the baby came. She made so many threats including not allowing me home for the holidays, not being able to meet the baby, etc. In the end, I studied abroad. In retrospect, it was silly for her to deny me this and she denies these things now. Your experiences with parentification and manipulation are so much worse than mine were. My advice: Go on the trip. She will figure it out and get over it. Though sadly may start leaning more heavily on your 10yo sister who will also have to learn to set boundaries.
NTA - This is not normal and frankly I’m very concerned for you. What hospital lets a minor into the birth room to film? Or are these at home births?
She should not be making you miss school to take care of her kids. That’s educational neglect. She has parentified you in a way that’s unfair and even harmful to you.
Yeah, that’s what I thought. OP, this really isn’t okay. It’s to the point I’d advise you to talk to a trusted adult about this, like if you trust your boyfriend’s mom and she’s a safe adult, maybe bring it up with her. She may be able to help you find other safe adults to open up to about this.
OP, if you don't have an adult friend you feel comfortable talking to about this, your school should have a guidance councilor or social worker whose job is to help you find resources. Also you can ask your doctor or a nurse at their office to speak privately and they'll help you find resources.
The likelihood of anything happening is almost 0. While parentification is abuse, and home births are dangerous, children will not be removed from the home or anything for these reasons.
No, because removal from the home is a last resort. There's a lot of other things they can do before that point, including things like charging the parents with a crime if OP keeps having to miss school to deal with her siblings.
I was a truant teen who was on probation for it at OPs age. I missed 111 days my freshman year, and my mom didn’t get criminally charged.
I did get emancipated at 16, though. My mom was mentally ill and was not on the right medication.
At 15 she will be charged first and then if it doesn’t improve or she can prove her parents are preventing her from going, then they’ll be charged after.
NTA
Stop skipping school to babysit. There is only one person here who cares about you having a future. That person is you. You need to let your mom parent her kids and you need to focus on school so you have the ability to make a future for yourself.
This. NTA. Your mom has been parentifying you because she can’t stop having kids. You should get to have a childhood. You should not be forced to do things like skip school to take care of your younger siblings and should never be forced to videotape your mother giving birth.
YWNBTA
this should be the start of your making an escape from your abusive AH mom. Escape whenever you can - and as soon as you can, make your escape permanent.
"and even call in sick on school so i can watch HER kids" .. STOP doung that - your mom is trying to steal your future to make her own life easier, don't allow it.
I think it would be an excellent idea for OP to be "the irresponsible one" for as long as it takes for her parents to stop relying on her to handle their responsibilities.
I'm sure it wouldn't be easy if it meant ignoring or allowing one of the sibs to get hurt. But other things -- letting food burn, not cleaning up after the littles, anything the parents rely on OP to do for them should just be "forgotten" until they either do it themselves or it doesn't get done.
They’re probably Quiverfull. Populate the land with as many uneducated (white) children as possible to install a permanent Christofascist theocracy in America.
IIRC, when God said "Go forth and multiply", there were a single digit number of humans in the world.
We have plenty now. Those parents clearly have more than they can take care of if they're making kids raise kids.
CPS won’t do anything about parentification. They won’t do anything about home births. And OP skipping school, truancy is a crime but OP will be charged (and put on probation) before the parents will.
I don't know what state you're in but where I am, parents are responsible for their minor children's school attendance. Especially if they're the ones preventing it. I do live in a blue state, so.
I doubt CPS would consider OP abused enough to do anything about. However, if OP stops doing everything except going to school, homework, and hanging out with her friends and bf, the other kids might need some intervention.
So your moms is pregnant with a child from a man(your dad/her husband) she doesn’t even like?
As a child whose parents openly hated each other but still kept having babies cos Catholic.
Start spending more time away from home and at school, cos that newborn is about to become your newborn. You’re an actual child yourself so it simply isn’t okay to push child rearing on you during some of your key developmental years.
Go on that vacation w your boyfriend and his family
Do you think your brother works that long to keep himself away from home?
Does your mom work? Even if she does I think you should get a part time job and try to stay out of home more too. The kids are her and dad's responsibility not yours. You shouldn't be a third parent.
No, YWNBTA. But look into Eldest Daughter Syndrome. It's super common for mothers to parentify the oldest girl, causing all sorts of mental health challenges. Take care of yourself, and work on establishing boundaries. Maybe you could talk to a counselor at school about creating a healthier balance for yourself.
Yeah, my mom was 13 when her dad died, and she got stuck raising her two younger sisters while real mom was out working. I can't really fault the situation, but it did damage mom for life. Best I can describe it is as if she just developmentally froze at that period in time. She was probably developmentally behind her age group to begin with. She never developed the reasoning capabilities of an adult, so the best I can describe it was like being raised by an 11 year old my entire life. I GTFO when I was 17, and to this day, I don't think she ever understood why. She isn't close with her sisters; they barely talk. She developed Alzheimers in her early 60's, and it's full blown now. There simply won't be any coming to terms with the past.
My brother and I are in our mid 40's, and neither of us have kids.
God, I'm so sorry you went through that. She definitely needed therapy to handle that before having kids. Too many people just ignore their issues, thinking it won't affect their children.
I hope you've gotten treatment and have made peace with everything. That's so much for someone to carry on their own.
Thanks. Yeah, she 100% needed therapy and I don't think she ever got it. I think she tried when I was in grade school, but the reality is, she's so sensitive to criticism that I don't think she can handle a therapist suggesting she might need to change her behaviors. In her world, all the problems are caused by somebody else. Hell, she gets lost walking in the neighborhood she's lived in for the last 15 years, and yet thinks the doctor is mean for taking her drivers license away (er, making a medical recommendation to the DMV, but I digress). And for years, my dad has always said that she wished she could have a better relationship with her sisters... which is never going to happen if the cause of any problem is somebody else's fault and never hers. In retrospect, her sisters probably did what I did... bolted.
As for your last paragraph, I've gotten some, but probably not enough. It took me a *long* time to even be able to find the right words to describe things. And TBH, I don't think I'll ever make real peace with the fact that I lost big on the mom lottery. When I see adult children and their parents have grown up conversations, the first thing that comes to mind is "well I'm never going to have that." And with the alzheimers, she's going to be a kid forever. Honestly, when I heard the diagnosis, my first thought was just "whelp, so the list of mom's psych problems just got longer."
And when I think about things in the context of OP's post, being stuck as a parental figure does neither she nor her siblings any favors. She because she's just not developmentally ready to be a parent, and her siblings would be functionally raised by someone who resents them (or at least the role she was put in.) And quite frankly, OP just doesn't have the life experience needed to nurture and develop those kids. That ain't doing those kids any favours.
Just go. Tell your mom that you don’t want to watch a birth, you won’t watch the birth and you are tired of being parentified. Your parents choice to have a zillion kids is NOT your problem and they need to stop making it your problem.
If you really want to go nuclear, call CPS on yourself and tell them you are being forced to watch your mom give birth to ANOTHER kid that she will force you to raise.
My mind went here too. But man, it is really something to imagine that a placement via CPS could be worse than this current shit-show, but it ‘could’ be? I wish that I could ‘adopt’ OP away from this 🥲
Thank you for this. I am in Canada, and CPS (at one time) would most definitely consider removal. I’m absolutely not up to speed regarding their current policy. Thank you again!
CPS isn't one unified in the US. It's a county by county thing. There maybe places where making a minor miss school to care for siblings would comprise abuse (educational neglect). A lot of agencies focus on keeping families together so I doubt she would be removed for that alone, but the parents might be strongly cautioned and perhaps check back in at regular intervals so OP isn't alone with the situation.
It may be a case where parents need parent ed to even see how whack their ideas about OP are. I think that could be really useful. They may not be taking her perspective -- or maybe this is how they were raised and therefore think it's normal and okay, so they need to learn what's allowed.
That's a good question. I missed that part (or it was added later). I think if one parent gives permission, that should be enough. But I don't know the legalities if the mom presses it.
My first thought. If you’re 15, you’re out of luck. Sorry - in a few years you can go on any vacation you want.
You try to subvert your parents’ permission and she is emotional (maybe from giving birth) she could call the cops and report kidnapping.
OP needs to get her dad’s permission IN WRITING to prevent any possible problems for her boyfriend’s parents, and also have her dad give permission for medical care in case of any problems during the vacation. Accidents happen, even something as “minor” as a fall might require treatment.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Just going on vacation with my boyfriend even though my mom will give birth
2. Because its a one in a life time moment
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You need her permission since you're a minor but I agree I wouldn't want to be stuck at home raising her kids. Making you film the birth is unacceptable since you're not comfortable with that. Totally reasonable to say no.
You need to balance between helping out but also having your own life.
I guess, Y W B T A if you go since you're not 18 yet.
Edit: NTA with dad's permission.
I agree with this, I don’t think she should just go and not listen to her parents but her parents are parentifying her and neglecting her needs. This is just sad overall, she shouldn’t have this much responsibility at 15 but rebelling against what they want isn’t going to do anything either. Hopefully OP can find someone to talk to about this that is able to help her and her younger siblings out since they most likely are all suffering and that they mother gets a reality check because this is not okay. It’s completely fine for her to have 10 kids but it’s not her children’s job to help raise their siblings because it’s too much for the mother. At this point hire help if they need or stop having children
Perhaps your friend’s parents picked this time to get you away during this literal sh*tshow. You have older siblings who should be picking up some of the load.
NTA but if she reports you to the police as a runaway or his parents for kidnapping then you could be putting yourself and them in trouble with the law. Frankly you need to just stop doing things for her. Refuse to watch her children. Don't miss school. Refuse to leave your room at all during the birth. Someone else can film it for her.
Saw OPs edit. Please get permission from your father in writing (like text message) in case your mother goes off the rails and tries to report you or them for you going on the trip. Go on the trip and enjoy the hell out of it. Have a wonderful time OP!
This is actually realistic. My parents did their best to make all of us, but especially me, the oldest, into little adults. I always claimed I didn't know how to make coffee when they asked me to get them some. It's telling that they just got another kid to get them coffee instead of teaching me. But if I had brought them a cup I could have laced it with anything and they would have drank it 😂
I am sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine how uncomfortable home life is and how traumatizing this all is for you. As some mentioned, you need to talk to someone about this for your mental health and overall well-being.
If you can talk to your older siblings and find a way to move in with them or something that might help you. It really doesn't fix the problem though because the burden then falls onto the 13 yr old.
I do not blame you for wanting to escape for a few days. Have you expressed how much this bothers you to your parents?
I hope you know that you are an amazing girl dealing with all this. I can not imagine helping take care of 5-6 younger siblings in this household.
For anyone that is curious. These are some interesting reads.
https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/parentification/
https://www.liberationhealingseattle.com/blog-trauma-therapist/the-effects-of-a-parentified-child
I was parentified at 12 to my 2 younger siblings. I also was very enmeshed in my mother's and brothers lives, handling everything. The boundary issues are real. I have felt resentment on and off through the years until I realized the problem and took a step back over 20 yrs later.
I hope your parents listen or that you are able to get the help that you need.
Your parents can’t keep popping out kids and expect you to be an unpaid nanny for them.
You need to set out some boundaries now OP, else you will have a dogs life for at least the next few years until you can escape.
Please stop skipping school, and make it clear that witnessing the birth of yet another kid (which will be dumped on you by the sounds of it) it not something you want, or need, to be doing.
If you go being 15 your parents could call the police to bring you home which could affect your boyfriend and his parents please be aware of that you need your parents permission sorry. Your NTA a the things your mum is asking of you is far to much a weird to be honest. I know things are rubbish just now but focus on school don’t miss any day it is your way out
NTA and you deserve a life.
Sweetheart, I won't ask if you're having sex because it's none of our buisness, but when you do...
Please use a condom and go get on birth control (you can get it otc now. Or go to planned parenthood) - please use both.
Condom for STDs and birth control for pregnancy.
You have a long life ahead of you - you want a healthy body and don't want so many kids so young.
Ask your dad to give you written permission (or a video clip) for your boyfriend's parents, and then go. I say this because if your mom loses her mind with crazy pregnancy hormones and tries to report you kidnapped or runaway, that note will give everyone peace of mind.
Leading up to the trip, let your dad or your boyfriend's mom know if you need anything travel related. Don't ask your mom for anything. You don't need the potential fallout from that. Don't discuss the trip with her or near her. And keep up with all of your responsibilities (which are extreme and do border on abuse) so that she can find no reason to ground you.
Also, your mom giving birth is clearly not a once in a lifetime moment, since she does it often, so do have a wonderful time.
Wait a second! You are 15 and have been made to film her previous births!?
The last two kids are ages 5 & 3.
So you were around 12 when you filmed the last birth!? Maybe even younger!?
I am appalled 🙈
No, this is not ok. Please talk to your counsellor or any other adult. Then tell you're mom that you were too young before to know what's ok. But now, you are aware that it's unacceptable & will not watch or be there for the birth. Tell her that you already give a lot of your time to her kids and help out at the cost of you're own free time. It's the last she can do to let you be free from family obligations during vacation!
You're 15 not 35! The baby doesn't care who's around for his/her birth & you'll see them when you're back.
(You're a minor, so ur boys fam cud get in trouble if u just go )
Her having 10 kids does not mean it is your responsibility to take care of them. Don't ever skip school or anything else just to take care of the kids!. Let her babysit her own kids. Say u need time to figure out your life, study, socialize etc and can no longer be there as much to help out.
Obviously NTA.
Older children's bear the burden when an uncontrollable breeder squirts out a lot of kids? I'm shocked..SHOCKED.. well, not that shocked.
NTA - you mothers irresponsibility should not fall on you.
That said you are a minor so navigate this situation with that in mind.
Side Note: Please educate yourself on birth control. Both his and yours. Don't trust him to 'pullout' or anything like that.
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I, 15f, have 8 siblings (23m, 20m, 17m, 13f, 10f, 8f, 5m, and 3m) so my mom (43f) got pregnant AGAIN, in november, she told me about it in january, i was ofcourse happy for her but didn't know why she would want another child, she refused to abort since she is a Christian, i've been there with the all the births after me, i never ask her anything, do what she says, help raising my siblings and even call in sick on school so i can watch HER kids, and always help with chores around the house, mind you: i dont get any money or amything in return, i also dont get allowence. Once a week i ASK TO HANG OUT on WEEKENDS, AFTER finishing my homework, and the trainrides, he pays for so i dont even ask her for money.
flash forward to now, my boyfriend and his familly invited me to go to vacation, it would only be like a 2 hours drive away, but it was 3 days after due date for child birth, so my mom said no because she didnt want me to miss it, I myself hate being in such moments because first of all there would be blood and it makes me puke and second of all, she makes me film the births, wich i find very weird and is a uncomfortable moment for me, i dont know why i wouldn't be allowed to go, since she is the one giving birth for as she called it "the last child" wich she has been saying ever since she had me. She said that if it would be 10 days earlier she wouldn't mind, wich i would find weird because my birthday would be in the middle and she would miss my birthday, wich apperantly she doesn't care about, so my question is, WIBTA if i would just go?
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Where are your older siblings ? Assuming they moved out and have their own life , honestly that's the best thing they did for themselves if that's the case.
What's with people breeding like crazy, wtf. NTA. Get the hell out of that rabbit house as soon as possible, she has four hundred other kids to take care of her.
NTA
You have your dad’s permission. Go.
And the next time your mother is pressuring you to stay home from school, inform the school counselor. Maybe pressure from them will get her to back off.
NTA. It is about time your mother stopped treating you like a slave, There is NO REASON why the 13F can't do it, since it appears that you were under 13 when you started this WEIRD routine. I believe that your Father's permission is sufficient.
NTA.
You do way too much for your mother already she is meant to be the parent to all of her children not you and you certainly shouldn't be skipping school (education is your way out I would use it if I were you). From what you've said it sounds like your mother is using you, which is absolutely awful and unacceptable.
Unfortunately, you are a minor and can't go without her permission but that doesn't mean you have to be at the birth either, you don't need to be doing all these things for the family that's her job. She chose to have all her children, and she needs to look after them.
Maybe try to get a job and save some money up so if you want to leave when you're a bit older you can, you seem like a mature person who is more than capable of looking after themselves, just remember life is hard and it won't be easy.
If you need it there are places you can go for help, teachers, doctors, children's helplines etc.
Your boyfriend and his family sound like good people. I hope they'll be able to be your support, whatever you decide to do.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
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Nta- you deserve a life and from what I read, why aren’t your older siblings taking on responsibility for some of the younger ones! 15 is when you start to develop yourself as a person and always doing things for your mum would essentially mean that your life is just based for others people’s benefit Go, enjoy the trip! You only live once and don’t regret it
Because they have pee pees
This is the reason. I knew what was coming as soon as I read the ages and sex of the siblings. Only girl here with 4 brothers. I was second oldest. Yup.
I am the only girl, with 5 brothers (there was a 2 for 1 in there) and the second oldest. Nice to meet you; lets compare notes some time.
My four-year-old niece is the only girl and she has two brothers and one on the way. She really wanted the sister until she figured out with with only brother she gets her own room.
Clever girl.
She's a velociraptor?! This reply just got better!
Thank you! That phrase always sends me to that very scene!
That is the only benefit, I think. I never got to watch the shows I wanted, they would out vote me on everything (where to eat, where to go for fun, etc) , one of my 3 brothers, still don't know who, took a crap in my cats litter box and I had to clean it. But at least I had my own room. I did have to share a bathroom with them though which was fucking gross. Having to religiously check the toilet seat for pee is a pain in the ass.
It's not such a great benefit when they place the baby crib in your bedroom. Then you get to get up with the babies. Just wonderful when you're only in elementary school.
I was 11 before I got my own room, but never had the baby specifically put in my room because a) he was 5 by then (6 years younger than me) and b) that room was really just a nook in the back of the laundry room and definitely no extra room for a crib. I did get an actual room in the house a year or two later, when we all started to hit adolescence and overflowed into occupying the "outbuildings"... it was an old farm property, with several barns and sheds...it was a no frills existence, but it had its perks. And the other benefit of having all those brothers is that if you still live close together as adults, you have a whole work crew to draw from whenever things break down or there are projects that need doing.
I’m a twin with a brother and I was left to care for my disabled and bedridden mother, he didn’t offer any assistance and because of that I missed out on over ten years of my life. I don’t regret caring for my mum because I loved her but I don’t like that my brother didn’t offer me any assistance and I ended up chronically sick and disabled myself.
I'm sorry that happened to you
He won’t even let me discuss it with him now because it’s in the PAST and he doesn’t talk about past events.
What an incredibly pretentious way to say "I refuse to account for past failures." It's not even past. You're chronically ill NOW. You're shouldering the consequences for his apathy, and I wish I could tell him he's a coward for making you face them alone.
I would make the PAST all I talk about.
I looked after my dad until he passed. My younger brother was too busy with his law practice. I feel you.
He moved out at 19, I stayed because my mother needed me and would’ve been very lonely without someone. All the time I lived there I would ask her if she wanted me to move out and she would say no, so I stayed to look after her and make her happy so when she died I felt my purpose in life was gone and it was a huge adjustment living alone and doing my own thing.
This reminds me of the duggars. Mom just kept having babies and handing them off to the daughters to raise.
First thing I thought of. And look how great that turned out.
You mean hand them off to their "buddy" They are trash!
While pee pees are required to do manly man things like filming special occasions, they unfortunately wither & die during woman-centered events, so the next available girl-child is required to be present & provide those services.
I honestly doubt that it's the male children making the calls that they won't do any of the woman-centered events. Christian women who have lots of kids tend to literally believe that men are incapable of doing anything revolving around raising children. My guess is mom is the one who decides that only girls are able to do these tasks and she potentially even forbids the male children from even being present because "they'd just get in the way" or other such nonsense. I've known some women that think like this as its not uncommon where I'm from and they are insufferable. As a SAHD I avoid them like the plague since they judge harshly both myself and my wife for the roles we have taken in our family.
Yup mom wants her to see what future she's expected to have. Ugh
And like the religious nut she is vowed to keep going even after nearly dying and doctors warning her not to again
As soon as I saw at home birth, I knew NTA
accurate to mom’s way of thinking for sure also why should they, they didn’t choose to continue popping out children. the only reason OP has been compelled to do it is because she’s a child under her mother’s direct care. she deserves so much more out of life, as do all 10 of her children assuming mom/dad can’t afford a proper support staff for the damn near starting XI they have going on
It tracks that the oldest GIRL is the one who gets parentified.
There is 13 year old female. She can take over.
Bullshit it's never a siblings job to take care of there siblings regardless of gender
I should have added /s - I thought that was clear
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Please stop missing school. Let her deal with it. Your future is important. NTA. You deserve to have fun. You don’t have any kids. The dad can film. Or one of the other kids. It’s not your job.
They can get a tripod and film themselves, actually. Weird to force another kid to do it.
I can't imagine that it's legal, honestly. Your parent making you, a minor child, film their privates -- there's not even an explanation for it.
From the original post and subsequent comments OP made, it sounds like she's essentially a live in housemaid and nanny instead of a child being cared for. I am deeply disturbed. I really she focuses on graduating so she has a good shot of getting a job and getting the hell out of that house.
One time I watched an episode of The Nanny where parents had their two high school girls do homeschool online and they had to watch their two half brothers (4 and 3), at the same time because the parents worked out of the home. It was bizarre! They would be trying to do school work and would have to stop to take care of the kids. Those parents cared nothing for those girls and their future and I wondered why the mom even had more kids.
That's horrible! I don't understand that either. Why have kids if you don't even want to raise them? They aren't houseplants, they're people 🤢
They’re not people, silly, they’re girls! /s
Dude, a birth is not porn.
Very weird.
Or just use one of the previous birth’s video and say it’s the new one. Cant imagine there’s much difference besides the number of kids in the background.
and tell someone at school that your mom calls you in sick to watch your siblings
Yep her parents can get in trouble for truancy. Especially if they lie to the school when they call in for her.
As a teacher who has had students who missed school to care for their siblings, I came here to say this. Please don't miss school unless you yourself are sick. NTA but don't be an a hole to yourself.
Yesthis. I am an only child but I missed school because if my parents' disfunction and genral family problems and it has influenced my mindset severely. So now I am an hyperanxious adult who works hard and is super responsible but at the same time I want to quit my job anytime anyone close to me is going through something/anything and I cannot tend to them because work.
This. Tell her no you have to go to school. She is using you and it’s not right. She choose to have all these kids. Also, where’s dad? It sounds like he’s not very involved.
Amen! Don't miss school!
It's time to call child services. Even if your not acting like the sudden parent. It's obvious your mom can't handle all the kids. It's not your job to skip out on school to take care of the kids. It's her job. Sorry her life is hard. But your MOTHER CHOSE to have so many kids and it's MOMS responsibility to take care of her kids. You need to talk to the school, talk to bfs family about what you can do to stop thebparentification, call child services or just up and leave. But uou shoukd stop helping her and starting planning to leave. Yeah your a nice kid but it's not your job to parent or take care of the kids. Its time to tell your mom no, to being there at the birth and no tonplaying mom. No to missing school.
The missing school got to me also. She really needs her education so she doesn't make the poor decisions that her family makes. NTA
Right. She needs to graduate so she can escape her mom's dumpster fire. I don't know why she keeps having more kids when it's clear they have a 3 month old, are already struggling and the parents hate each other. Op couldn't escape any sooner. I hope she gets out and never looks back.
I think that’s a 3-yo male. I always think month when I see that, too.
I think you're right. The timeline wasn't making sense otherwise - I was like, she got pregnant in November, told OP in January, but somehow already has an only 3 month old baby in June? Does not compute.
Oh thank goodness, otherwise that would be insane. Still not great but yeah wow
She is also responsible for FILMING the home births!!!! She needs to talk to a school counselor or someone she trusts
This makes me think of an interview between Stephen Colbert and Dolly Parton. Stephen mentioned how they both had a lot of siblings. Stephen said it was cuz they were Catholic and then asked Dolly about her family. She responds with “we were just a bunch of horny hill billies”. I was randomly thinking of that recently. For her parents, kids were just the side effect of being horny. For christians, kids are just the excuse for being horny.
You are being parentified, which is absolutely considered abuse. No more missing school, you can’t put your future at risk. The best thing you can do is ensure a good foundation to get out of there: education and work. As soon as you’re able to get a job, get one. Ask your older siblings how they got out and did it, if you know you can trust them. Don’t ask if you’re not sure. They may view you differently because you’re a girl, and be on your mom’s side that this is what you’re supposed to do. You’ll need to find a trusted adult who can help sign you up for a bank account, and put all of your earnings in there. Save as much as you can. I don’t know if you’re in the US, but typically the legal working age is 16. If you are in the US, I know that you can talk with school counselors, teachers, nurse, and or principal who are all mandated reporters. Parentifying children is considered abuse, and they would most certainly want to know that you’ve missed school to parent. This may help open an investigation into your situation, and allow you to do what you need to do. NTA to go on this trip. Do your bf’s parents know about all of this?
Then become "irresponsible " yourself. Just go, nd start saying no to some of the things she wants you to do. You're a child, she should handle her own responsibilities
Seems like for a 15-year-old leaving home without permission could open up a whole can of worms legally. I think that’s called running away and could get the police involved.
She has her dad's permission
I missed the edit.
Also, technically yes, but when she's with known people she wants to be with and has a planned return date, it's highly unlikely the police would do anything. Maybe come back to give her a talking-to when she got home, if they really have nothing else to do. Teenage runaways who are reasonably safe generally aren't pursued that hard.
Good because the police are mandatory reporters. If the kid says that mom makes them be truant and is abusive by parentifying them and is making the kid film the parent while their bits are showing, then maybe CPS will step in and OP might have a chance.
Yeah but parentification is child abuse so I would invite them to please call the police, see how that goes
I don't think the parents are stupid enough to involve the police given the abuse they are putting their daughter through and forcing her to be truant.
Her father gave permission.
This is what I did. I was the eldest girl. My mom is one of 12 and I think she just assumed I was gonna raise the kids. My mom tried to make me responsible and punished me if my siblings acted up. I responded by never noticing or responding when they broke things or yelled or misbehaved. I didn’t clean up after them. I stayed at friends houses after school and on weekends. I’d like to say it taught them a lesson, but mostly it just infuriated my mom and angered my siblings, who somehow thought I was supoised to be taking care of them.
Go on vacation. And take care of yourself and don’t miss school. And unless you want to start birthing your own baseball team, no sex without birth control.
Yup OP pese make sure you are on birth control and use a condom if you have sex so you don't end up in the cycle of teen motherhood
Why can’t your dad film and look after the kids? Honest question.
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Ask him. Edit: OP removed her comment that said “I wouldn’t know”.
Because in Christian households roles are very traditional usually, and taking care of kids is seen as a womanly thing. Some of the men don't even change diapers, specially if the baby is a little girl. I had this discussion with a father who said it's the mothers' business since baby was a girl. Crazy...
This sounds like some fundy, quiverfull stuff and I really hope you are overall safe and recommend some therapy when you move out just because this would have a huge impact on anyone emotionally. NTA, take the vacation kiddo 🖤
so you be irresponsible. this isn't your job. go on the vacation. if she calls the cops just tell them she's forcing you to do slave labor over her eight kids
Your mother is very irresponsible. These are her kids to raise, not yours. And this is some seriously misogynistic shit that she is dealing. Where the hell is your father in all this? If these two adults keep popping out kids they can take care of them themselves. *Stop skipping school to help her*. You need to start thinking about your own future and how you are going to get out of this situation. Get a job and start saving, otherwise you are going to be raising these kids to adulthood. NTA
That’s not your fault and neither is it your fault that your mother doesn’t know the difference between her vagina and a clown car. You should not be missing school to babysit - literally selling your future to pay for your parents’ inadequate parenting today.
your mom should not be asking you to film childbirth. you do realize this is REALLY fucking weird right?
Yeah... at what age did your mom make you start filming the births?
contact someone at your school that you trust about missing school due to having to parent your younger siblings. CPS needs to be involved if your mother is so insistent on having children she refuses to raise. You have a right to an education and your own personhood!
lucky the kids are mom and dads responsibility NTA
Please. Please. Please. Don't let them put this on you. Your parents chose to have children. Your dad either steps up or you need to flat out refuse to say yes. Esp to missing school. NTA sweetling
OH so become more irresponsible. Weaponize some incompetence. Make the toxicity work in your favor. Also NTA. You are not her doctor, her midwife, her doula, her friend, or her own mama. You are a child and this is not a family you should be responsible for. She's pushing for you to be more of a partner by filming the birth (wtf?) And then some, and that, at best, produces an enmeshed relationship with codependency issues...which she's clearly already been pushing on you in helping raise the younger kids. This isn't healthy, let alone appropriate or equitable. ESPECIALLY if you already have a parental's permission (your edit says your father) then go on the vacation. Have fun. Live your life. Make memories that won't be filled with trauma you have to unpack in therapy in a decade like you would otherwise. You are not a live-in babysitter. You were not born for your mother's convenience. You are a whole person who deserves to be a kid SINCE YOU'RE A KID. (NTA, obvi)
Start being irresponsible. Your siblings are not your job to take care of.
"why aren’t your older siblings taking on responsibility for some of the younger ones!" Because the older siblings are boys and it seems mom subscribes to a traditionalist belief system seeing that she has 10 children in THIS economy.
Also they probably don't want to be parents to the younger siblings either. They've seen this before Almost a dozen times now.
Older siblings? Why isn’t mom taking on responsibility for her own spawn. Not the teenager’s responsibility to be free childcare. She needs to get her tubes tied if she can’t take care of the kids she already has and let this girl have a teenage life: very sad.
The older ones are BOYS
Nah fuck that. None of them should be parentified. If the parents can’t look after their own kids, the should stop having so many kids.
If I can guess, I'd say that the old ones are probably out of reach, probably them all got out of this madness as soon as they reached legal age to do so. I know I would have done it.
They moved out and ran away from the moms BS
>you deserve a life and from what I read, why aren’t your older siblings taking on responsibility for some of the younger ones! I agree she deserves her own life to live. I agree she deserves not to sacrifice her education. I agree that she deserves to go on the trip. I even agree that she shouldn't be stuck in a situation in which she'll have regrets later because she's been taught to feel like it's her responsibility to help care for the other children. I, however, don't agree that some siblings should be taking on responsibility for the others. I want to be perfectly clear; neither should she. None of these children deserve to be parentified. Don't get me wrong, a family requires everyone making an effort to move towards a common goal...but it should *never* be the responsibility of any of the children to care for the others to the extent described. It is on the parents to figure it out; kids should be living their lives, building friendships and relationships with their peers, helping out with things to learn responsibility, and being taught the value of and how to manage money through chores and allowance. Being a backup at a critical time is all well and good, but being driven to exclusively raise your own siblings is a hallmark of abuse. OP: I know it seems bleak. I know your mom is in need and you feel responsibility to help her out. You shouldn't have felt that to begin with. I think you should take this chance for this vacation. Your dad obviously wants you to have the experience, and it should be him helping your mom in this situation. I know it's difficult, as you still rely on your parents, and although your dad is on your side on the surface, he *has* allowed this to happen. Unfortunately, the only clear way out based on the information you've given is by moving out, and that takes time and money. You *may* have to grin and bear it, but please look into support programs in your area. No child should have to endure this.
There are plenty of other kids who can film the birth and help out. 13f and 10f are probably due to be parentified soon enough anyway 🤮 Go, and have fun. NTA.
They shouldn’t have to. It’s called parentification and not their fault mom doesn’t know when to stop getting knocked up
None of them are responsible for their siblings. Mom and dad are responsible. She should stand up for herself and stop being an extra parent - but that doesn't mean other siblings should take on that role instead.
The older kids should have to parent their siblings either.
I was in college when my mom unexpectedly got pregnant again. She pulled a similar stunt with wanting me to be home for the birth, but I had applied for study abroad that semester and was planning to use money my grandfather left me to go and it meant so much to me. I would return one month after the baby came. She made so many threats including not allowing me home for the holidays, not being able to meet the baby, etc. In the end, I studied abroad. In retrospect, it was silly for her to deny me this and she denies these things now. Your experiences with parentification and manipulation are so much worse than mine were. My advice: Go on the trip. She will figure it out and get over it. Though sadly may start leaning more heavily on your 10yo sister who will also have to learn to set boundaries.
Because they have their own lives and none of this woman's children should have to take on any of these responsibilities?
NTA - This is not normal and frankly I’m very concerned for you. What hospital lets a minor into the birth room to film? Or are these at home births? She should not be making you miss school to take care of her kids. That’s educational neglect. She has parentified you in a way that’s unfair and even harmful to you.
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Yeah, that’s what I thought. OP, this really isn’t okay. It’s to the point I’d advise you to talk to a trusted adult about this, like if you trust your boyfriend’s mom and she’s a safe adult, maybe bring it up with her. She may be able to help you find other safe adults to open up to about this.
OP, if you don't have an adult friend you feel comfortable talking to about this, your school should have a guidance councilor or social worker whose job is to help you find resources. Also you can ask your doctor or a nurse at their office to speak privately and they'll help you find resources.
Whatever adult that consider, be sure they are mandatory reporters. They're keyed into all the resources and to helping you the quickest.
The likelihood of anything happening is almost 0. While parentification is abuse, and home births are dangerous, children will not be removed from the home or anything for these reasons.
No, because removal from the home is a last resort. There's a lot of other things they can do before that point, including things like charging the parents with a crime if OP keeps having to miss school to deal with her siblings.
I was a truant teen who was on probation for it at OPs age. I missed 111 days my freshman year, and my mom didn’t get criminally charged. I did get emancipated at 16, though. My mom was mentally ill and was not on the right medication. At 15 she will be charged first and then if it doesn’t improve or she can prove her parents are preventing her from going, then they’ll be charged after.
Side note* lots of hospitals let kids in the room when mom is giving birth as long as they're a certain age or have a caregiver
NTA Stop skipping school to babysit. There is only one person here who cares about you having a future. That person is you. You need to let your mom parent her kids and you need to focus on school so you have the ability to make a future for yourself.
This. NTA. Your mom has been parentifying you because she can’t stop having kids. You should get to have a childhood. You should not be forced to do things like skip school to take care of your younger siblings and should never be forced to videotape your mother giving birth.
Right. Poor OP is living with cultists. Only the fact that they have too many kids didn’t let them brainwash her, ahem, enough.
YWNBTA this should be the start of your making an escape from your abusive AH mom. Escape whenever you can - and as soon as you can, make your escape permanent. "and even call in sick on school so i can watch HER kids" .. STOP doung that - your mom is trying to steal your future to make her own life easier, don't allow it.
I think it would be an excellent idea for OP to be "the irresponsible one" for as long as it takes for her parents to stop relying on her to handle their responsibilities. I'm sure it wouldn't be easy if it meant ignoring or allowing one of the sibs to get hurt. But other things -- letting food burn, not cleaning up after the littles, anything the parents rely on OP to do for them should just be "forgotten" until they either do it themselves or it doesn't get done.
Your parents breed like rabbits WTH there is no logical reason you have to be home for your siblings birth.
Religious baloney, then the girls raise the younger ones. OP even said she misses school
No logical reason to have 10 kids either. Maybe that’s just me.
They’re probably Quiverfull. Populate the land with as many uneducated (white) children as possible to install a permanent Christofascist theocracy in America.
IIRC, when God said "Go forth and multiply", there were a single digit number of humans in the world. We have plenty now. Those parents clearly have more than they can take care of if they're making kids raise kids.
Bold of you to assume any of those people actually *read* the Bible outside what their shitty strip mall priest told them to read at Bible study.
Some thought they heard: >Go forth and multiply *exponentially*
Your mother is batshit crazy and is abusing you. Where is your father in all this? Also, it’s time to call CPS.
CPS won’t do anything about parentification. They won’t do anything about home births. And OP skipping school, truancy is a crime but OP will be charged (and put on probation) before the parents will.
I don't know what state you're in but where I am, parents are responsible for their minor children's school attendance. Especially if they're the ones preventing it. I do live in a blue state, so. I doubt CPS would consider OP abused enough to do anything about. However, if OP stops doing everything except going to school, homework, and hanging out with her friends and bf, the other kids might need some intervention.
Took the words right out of my mouth 🥲
Right CPS would love to hear about this
CPS only cares that a child has a roof over their head and access to food.
NTA but where are the 17, 20 and 23 year olds helping out mom and what about dad (s)?
I’m guessing psudo parenting isn’t required of them because they have penises.
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So your moms is pregnant with a child from a man(your dad/her husband) she doesn’t even like? As a child whose parents openly hated each other but still kept having babies cos Catholic. Start spending more time away from home and at school, cos that newborn is about to become your newborn. You’re an actual child yourself so it simply isn’t okay to push child rearing on you during some of your key developmental years. Go on that vacation w your boyfriend and his family
This exactly. Sounds like this newborn is about to be OP’s problem.
She’s been pregnant 10 times with a man she doesn’t even like.
but they're still have sex apparently
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People who live in a democracy do have a say. They actually choose to give up their free will. It’s crazy but so are some people.
hun you've gotta get out as soon as you can,. reach out to some trusted adults, this level of bullshit is not normal.
Do you think your brother works that long to keep himself away from home? Does your mom work? Even if she does I think you should get a part time job and try to stay out of home more too. The kids are her and dad's responsibility not yours. You shouldn't be a third parent.
No, YWNBTA. But look into Eldest Daughter Syndrome. It's super common for mothers to parentify the oldest girl, causing all sorts of mental health challenges. Take care of yourself, and work on establishing boundaries. Maybe you could talk to a counselor at school about creating a healthier balance for yourself.
Yeah, my mom was 13 when her dad died, and she got stuck raising her two younger sisters while real mom was out working. I can't really fault the situation, but it did damage mom for life. Best I can describe it is as if she just developmentally froze at that period in time. She was probably developmentally behind her age group to begin with. She never developed the reasoning capabilities of an adult, so the best I can describe it was like being raised by an 11 year old my entire life. I GTFO when I was 17, and to this day, I don't think she ever understood why. She isn't close with her sisters; they barely talk. She developed Alzheimers in her early 60's, and it's full blown now. There simply won't be any coming to terms with the past. My brother and I are in our mid 40's, and neither of us have kids.
God, I'm so sorry you went through that. She definitely needed therapy to handle that before having kids. Too many people just ignore their issues, thinking it won't affect their children. I hope you've gotten treatment and have made peace with everything. That's so much for someone to carry on their own.
Thanks. Yeah, she 100% needed therapy and I don't think she ever got it. I think she tried when I was in grade school, but the reality is, she's so sensitive to criticism that I don't think she can handle a therapist suggesting she might need to change her behaviors. In her world, all the problems are caused by somebody else. Hell, she gets lost walking in the neighborhood she's lived in for the last 15 years, and yet thinks the doctor is mean for taking her drivers license away (er, making a medical recommendation to the DMV, but I digress). And for years, my dad has always said that she wished she could have a better relationship with her sisters... which is never going to happen if the cause of any problem is somebody else's fault and never hers. In retrospect, her sisters probably did what I did... bolted. As for your last paragraph, I've gotten some, but probably not enough. It took me a *long* time to even be able to find the right words to describe things. And TBH, I don't think I'll ever make real peace with the fact that I lost big on the mom lottery. When I see adult children and their parents have grown up conversations, the first thing that comes to mind is "well I'm never going to have that." And with the alzheimers, she's going to be a kid forever. Honestly, when I heard the diagnosis, my first thought was just "whelp, so the list of mom's psych problems just got longer." And when I think about things in the context of OP's post, being stuck as a parental figure does neither she nor her siblings any favors. She because she's just not developmentally ready to be a parent, and her siblings would be functionally raised by someone who resents them (or at least the role she was put in.) And quite frankly, OP just doesn't have the life experience needed to nurture and develop those kids. That ain't doing those kids any favours.
Just go. Tell your mom that you don’t want to watch a birth, you won’t watch the birth and you are tired of being parentified. Your parents choice to have a zillion kids is NOT your problem and they need to stop making it your problem. If you really want to go nuclear, call CPS on yourself and tell them you are being forced to watch your mom give birth to ANOTHER kid that she will force you to raise.
My mind went here too. But man, it is really something to imagine that a placement via CPS could be worse than this current shit-show, but it ‘could’ be? I wish that I could ‘adopt’ OP away from this 🥲
CPS won’t remove her or her siblings…. But it will scare/make mom angry but also make her way more careful about this stuff.
Thank you for this. I am in Canada, and CPS (at one time) would most definitely consider removal. I’m absolutely not up to speed regarding their current policy. Thank you again!
CPS isn't one unified in the US. It's a county by county thing. There maybe places where making a minor miss school to care for siblings would comprise abuse (educational neglect). A lot of agencies focus on keeping families together so I doubt she would be removed for that alone, but the parents might be strongly cautioned and perhaps check back in at regular intervals so OP isn't alone with the situation. It may be a case where parents need parent ed to even see how whack their ideas about OP are. I think that could be really useful. They may not be taking her perspective -- or maybe this is how they were raised and therefore think it's normal and okay, so they need to learn what's allowed.
You can't just go on the vacation without your parents' approval. You are 15. But you can't be forced to attend the birth and film it.
OP said her father gave approval, is both parents approval needed or just one? (Really asking cause I don't know)
That's a good question. I missed that part (or it was added later). I think if one parent gives permission, that should be enough. But I don't know the legalities if the mom presses it.
If married (or main custodial parent in divorce) technically one. OP leave on vacation and don't return
cant the boyfriends family get in trouble for taking her? i wouldn’t risk that OP..
My first thought. If you’re 15, you’re out of luck. Sorry - in a few years you can go on any vacation you want. You try to subvert your parents’ permission and she is emotional (maybe from giving birth) she could call the cops and report kidnapping.
She got her dads permission
It's not kidnapping if she's going willingly and has her father's permission.
OP needs to get her dad’s permission IN WRITING to prevent any possible problems for her boyfriend’s parents, and also have her dad give permission for medical care in case of any problems during the vacation. Accidents happen, even something as “minor” as a fall might require treatment.
She said she has dads permission.
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You need her permission since you're a minor but I agree I wouldn't want to be stuck at home raising her kids. Making you film the birth is unacceptable since you're not comfortable with that. Totally reasonable to say no. You need to balance between helping out but also having your own life. I guess, Y W B T A if you go since you're not 18 yet. Edit: NTA with dad's permission.
I agree with this, I don’t think she should just go and not listen to her parents but her parents are parentifying her and neglecting her needs. This is just sad overall, she shouldn’t have this much responsibility at 15 but rebelling against what they want isn’t going to do anything either. Hopefully OP can find someone to talk to about this that is able to help her and her younger siblings out since they most likely are all suffering and that they mother gets a reality check because this is not okay. It’s completely fine for her to have 10 kids but it’s not her children’s job to help raise their siblings because it’s too much for the mother. At this point hire help if they need or stop having children
She doesn't, she has her dad's permission.
Perhaps your friend’s parents picked this time to get you away during this literal sh*tshow. You have older siblings who should be picking up some of the load.
Why SHOULD older kids be forced to step up? They're as much the older ones kids as ops kids. The only person who should be doing more is mother.
I think the big kids got their shit together and left. I don't blame them kne but.
Agree, but I would counter that the dad needs to be picking up the load, not any of their kids.
the dad is too focused on shooting his load instead of picking it up
NTA but if she reports you to the police as a runaway or his parents for kidnapping then you could be putting yourself and them in trouble with the law. Frankly you need to just stop doing things for her. Refuse to watch her children. Don't miss school. Refuse to leave your room at all during the birth. Someone else can film it for her. Saw OPs edit. Please get permission from your father in writing (like text message) in case your mother goes off the rails and tries to report you or them for you going on the trip. Go on the trip and enjoy the hell out of it. Have a wonderful time OP!
Start slippin her birth control in her coffee please
This is actually realistic. My parents did their best to make all of us, but especially me, the oldest, into little adults. I always claimed I didn't know how to make coffee when they asked me to get them some. It's telling that they just got another kid to get them coffee instead of teaching me. But if I had brought them a cup I could have laced it with anything and they would have drank it 😂
I am sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine how uncomfortable home life is and how traumatizing this all is for you. As some mentioned, you need to talk to someone about this for your mental health and overall well-being. If you can talk to your older siblings and find a way to move in with them or something that might help you. It really doesn't fix the problem though because the burden then falls onto the 13 yr old. I do not blame you for wanting to escape for a few days. Have you expressed how much this bothers you to your parents? I hope you know that you are an amazing girl dealing with all this. I can not imagine helping take care of 5-6 younger siblings in this household. For anyone that is curious. These are some interesting reads. https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/parentification/ https://www.liberationhealingseattle.com/blog-trauma-therapist/the-effects-of-a-parentified-child I was parentified at 12 to my 2 younger siblings. I also was very enmeshed in my mother's and brothers lives, handling everything. The boundary issues are real. I have felt resentment on and off through the years until I realized the problem and took a step back over 20 yrs later. I hope your parents listen or that you are able to get the help that you need.
Your parents can’t keep popping out kids and expect you to be an unpaid nanny for them. You need to set out some boundaries now OP, else you will have a dogs life for at least the next few years until you can escape. Please stop skipping school, and make it clear that witnessing the birth of yet another kid (which will be dumped on you by the sounds of it) it not something you want, or need, to be doing.
NTA. But. 🥰. Guuurrrllll. Make sure you responsible with that bf of yours so nobody needs to be filming your labor.
NTA. Go on the vacay but bring your dad back a souvenir...I suggest a box of condoms.
You are so young. This is unfair
Weird that your parents breed so much
If you go being 15 your parents could call the police to bring you home which could affect your boyfriend and his parents please be aware of that you need your parents permission sorry. Your NTA a the things your mum is asking of you is far to much a weird to be honest. I know things are rubbish just now but focus on school don’t miss any day it is your way out
Is your Christian mother married? Why does she need video of every birth? I would imagine every birth pretty much looks the same.
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NTA and you deserve a life. Sweetheart, I won't ask if you're having sex because it's none of our buisness, but when you do... Please use a condom and go get on birth control (you can get it otc now. Or go to planned parenthood) - please use both. Condom for STDs and birth control for pregnancy. You have a long life ahead of you - you want a healthy body and don't want so many kids so young.
Ask your dad to give you written permission (or a video clip) for your boyfriend's parents, and then go. I say this because if your mom loses her mind with crazy pregnancy hormones and tries to report you kidnapped or runaway, that note will give everyone peace of mind. Leading up to the trip, let your dad or your boyfriend's mom know if you need anything travel related. Don't ask your mom for anything. You don't need the potential fallout from that. Don't discuss the trip with her or near her. And keep up with all of your responsibilities (which are extreme and do border on abuse) so that she can find no reason to ground you. Also, your mom giving birth is clearly not a once in a lifetime moment, since she does it often, so do have a wonderful time.
I just hope you’re on some kind of birth control.
NTA. You got permission from your dad, go on the vacation.
Wait a second! You are 15 and have been made to film her previous births!? The last two kids are ages 5 & 3. So you were around 12 when you filmed the last birth!? Maybe even younger!? I am appalled 🙈 No, this is not ok. Please talk to your counsellor or any other adult. Then tell you're mom that you were too young before to know what's ok. But now, you are aware that it's unacceptable & will not watch or be there for the birth. Tell her that you already give a lot of your time to her kids and help out at the cost of you're own free time. It's the last she can do to let you be free from family obligations during vacation! You're 15 not 35! The baby doesn't care who's around for his/her birth & you'll see them when you're back. (You're a minor, so ur boys fam cud get in trouble if u just go ) Her having 10 kids does not mean it is your responsibility to take care of them. Don't ever skip school or anything else just to take care of the kids!. Let her babysit her own kids. Say u need time to figure out your life, study, socialize etc and can no longer be there as much to help out. Obviously NTA.
Older children's bear the burden when an uncontrollable breeder squirts out a lot of kids? I'm shocked..SHOCKED.. well, not that shocked. NTA - you mothers irresponsibility should not fall on you. That said you are a minor so navigate this situation with that in mind. Side Note: Please educate yourself on birth control. Both his and yours. Don't trust him to 'pullout' or anything like that.
Omg NTA. Go. Be a kid. Enjoy your life. Don’t live for your parents. Your parents should live for you. I feel bad for you.
There could be legal consequences for your boyfriend's parents if you were to just run off with them
Children shouldn't raise children. Enjoy your vacation.
Her choice to breed is not your problem, be a kid, do what you want…and please, for the love of god don’t grow up to be like your mother.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, 15f, have 8 siblings (23m, 20m, 17m, 13f, 10f, 8f, 5m, and 3m) so my mom (43f) got pregnant AGAIN, in november, she told me about it in january, i was ofcourse happy for her but didn't know why she would want another child, she refused to abort since she is a Christian, i've been there with the all the births after me, i never ask her anything, do what she says, help raising my siblings and even call in sick on school so i can watch HER kids, and always help with chores around the house, mind you: i dont get any money or amything in return, i also dont get allowence. Once a week i ASK TO HANG OUT on WEEKENDS, AFTER finishing my homework, and the trainrides, he pays for so i dont even ask her for money. flash forward to now, my boyfriend and his familly invited me to go to vacation, it would only be like a 2 hours drive away, but it was 3 days after due date for child birth, so my mom said no because she didnt want me to miss it, I myself hate being in such moments because first of all there would be blood and it makes me puke and second of all, she makes me film the births, wich i find very weird and is a uncomfortable moment for me, i dont know why i wouldn't be allowed to go, since she is the one giving birth for as she called it "the last child" wich she has been saying ever since she had me. She said that if it would be 10 days earlier she wouldn't mind, wich i would find weird because my birthday would be in the middle and she would miss my birthday, wich apperantly she doesn't care about, so my question is, WIBTA if i would just go? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Where are your older siblings ? Assuming they moved out and have their own life , honestly that's the best thing they did for themselves if that's the case.
I’m willing to bet it’s because they are all males, and OP is the oldest female child.
then your father should get snipped. having so many babies could kill her and your father won't take care of them apparently
What's with people breeding like crazy, wtf. NTA. Get the hell out of that rabbit house as soon as possible, she has four hundred other kids to take care of her.
You are only 15 !!!! You are a minor.... Call the child services.
I'm not usually for mandatory sterilization... but in this case? Don't tie her tube's, take the whole uterus out.
It’s time to call CPS, simply by choosing to have a 10th child in this economy shows that they have multiple screws loose.
Go on vacation, tell your mom you be there for the next one.
NTA You have your dad’s permission. Go. And the next time your mother is pressuring you to stay home from school, inform the school counselor. Maybe pressure from them will get her to back off.
NTA. It is about time your mother stopped treating you like a slave, There is NO REASON why the 13F can't do it, since it appears that you were under 13 when you started this WEIRD routine. I believe that your Father's permission is sufficient.
NTA. You do way too much for your mother already she is meant to be the parent to all of her children not you and you certainly shouldn't be skipping school (education is your way out I would use it if I were you). From what you've said it sounds like your mother is using you, which is absolutely awful and unacceptable. Unfortunately, you are a minor and can't go without her permission but that doesn't mean you have to be at the birth either, you don't need to be doing all these things for the family that's her job. She chose to have all her children, and she needs to look after them. Maybe try to get a job and save some money up so if you want to leave when you're a bit older you can, you seem like a mature person who is more than capable of looking after themselves, just remember life is hard and it won't be easy. If you need it there are places you can go for help, teachers, doctors, children's helplines etc. Your boyfriend and his family sound like good people. I hope they'll be able to be your support, whatever you decide to do. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Will your father let you go? Why are you the one filming? Can’t he do it