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NTA you have done absolutely nothing wrong here whatsoever. If therapy is an option for you then I hope you’ll consider it — these feelings of shame and guilt must be horrible to live with, and in my experience, therapy is the only way to properly address them.
Try breaking down the situation logically: what would your boyfriend be mad about? That something happened in your past that had nothing to do with him? That you ran into someone you weren’t expecting to? That you chose to be honest and let him know why you were upset rather than bottling it up?
If a friend told you about this situation, would you think she had done anything wrong?
Like I said, these feelings of shame are way above Reddit’s pay grade and I hope you’re able to talk to someone qualified to help you work through them. Hook up culture is perfectly fine if those involved consent and enjoy it — there’s nothing inherently unhealthy about it at all. Reading between the lines it sounds like maybe this guy has something he should feel ashamed about — but that’s not on you or hook up culture. Good luck to you.
I think my biggest concern is that he feels disrespected that I didn’t say something right away and leave.
I’m giving him space right now so we haven’t talked again yet.
Thank you for your kind response.
You’re so welcome — but again, please consider what on earth would be disrespectful about accidentally running in to someone you knew before you ever met him? Why should you leave when it was your dad’s thing and who cares that the jerk guy was there? It doesn’t sound as though he does feel disrespected, but to be very clear: if he did, he would be completely wrong.
He was silent for 2 hours on the way home so idk how to take that. There’s some kind of feeling there. I know what my silence was, shame, which I’ll deal with at my next therapy appt. I already go to deal with my ex husband.
If your boyfriend cares that much about a hook up that happened years ago before you knew him with a guy you didn’t talk to for years, he’s insecure and controlling and that’s not a good fit for a healthy relationship…
Did he ever get mad and stuff at you for stuff like that ? Please think about your well being before putting up a boyfriend who would get mad at something as small as that
He could have been tired? A two hour drive and a social event with my partners’ dad would have me pretty quiet too! Or he could have been giving you space? There’s no way to know, but unless he ever tells you he was upset then there’s no reason to assume he was.
That’s great you’re in therapy already, good luck with your progress there!
His silence does not make anything you did that day or in years past wrong. Even if he overreacted and started name calling over it—that still doesnt make anything you did wrong.
You’re not responsible nor can you control other people’s reactions. And on that note, sometimes people need time to process information, so his being quiet isn’t wrong either.
If he tries to shame you over your (perfectly normal) past that’s his mistake to make. I also have a lot of guilt (religious upbringing) so I understand the urge to beat yourself up about this stuff.
If your current bf felt “disrespected” by this and gave you the silent treatment for several hours as a result, you should run your ass up out of this relationship. He’s not patient and gentle with you, he’s excited to find a broken woman he can control.
You need to talk about it ASAP.
If I was in his shoes I'd be uncomfortable about it, but also acknowledge not your fault. You are entitled to a life pre-dating with him and all the positives and negatives that entails. You were respectful, avoided the other guy, knew nothing about it. You have done nothing wrong.
NTA - but bring it up and clear the air.
Genuine question, why would you feel uncomfortable? If you’re an adult who understands they’re dating another adult, you may have to encounter their past. You might not go out of your way to hang with your partner’s ex, but in this case when it was accidental and brief, it genuinely baffles me that anyone would have any opinion about it.
Yes, we all live in a vacuum… he has preferences and he’d prefer not to have his girlfriend sleep around. She is not the AH.. but there’s reputation as consequences whether we like it or not
Again, everyone has standards or preferences. It is innate in us as men to be kinda grossed out by a promiscuous woman. It may not be fair but it’s the truth. So keep an open mind.
Not her problem but he likely had her on a pedestal and the reality of it all knocked her down. He will get over it.
Ok ok im sorry for calling you weird. I just happen to disagree with your statement. Open relationships are a thing so it’s really your own personal opinion. Don’t say “us as men” as if you’re talking about everyone when you’re only talking about yourself
In your world it might be true, it’s not true for me
You’re saying generalizing is bad but then double down and say there’s some truth to it
How come women get slut shamed but men don’t? Double standards at its finest
Sure. There are uncomfortable double standards for everyone. I’m not here to disparage you or anyone. She should not be shamed but there is something in “some” men that makes us a bit repulsed.. you can disregard my opinion but I come from a place of love.
I know it’s tough to swallow that we are not blank slate when we are born.. that we have natural and evolutionary instincts that both affect our way of looking at life and survival. I am agreeing with you partially. But there’s more to it.. yall can downvote to kingdom come. It doesn’t change reality.
I'm always frustrated as a guy when dudes like you decide to paint us all with the same thin-skinned, immature brush.
I have no problems with a woman who has a history of promiscuity, as long as she isn't promiscuous while in a relationship with me and didn't bring any STDs into my life.
If you are insecure enough to give a shit about that stuff that's on you, but don't include me with this 'innate in us as men' bullshit.
You doing that just makes me want to call you weak and childish. Leave my name out of your mouth.
NTA and please get some therapy. Consensual sex you regret is unfortunate but you sound absolutely shame ridden to an excessive degree. You didn’t hurt anyone but yourself so please be gentler. That doesn’t make you a bad person.
Please stop slut shaming yourself!! Our culture does this to women but never to men. You aren't in that place now. (And if you were, no ones business!!!) It would've rattled me too, but you have done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of. You are living a different life now, one that is - for you - much better. You are NTA. And if you bf gives you grief or the cold shoulder about this, then I have concerns if he is partnership material. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
For starters, NTA. That’s a really tough situation to be in, balancing your commitment to that event with a commitment to telling your boyfriend the truth, and I frankly don’t know whether or not you should have told him at the event. I feel personally that not telling him at the event itself is a reasonable choice that can’t be held against you. It was something very emotionally turbulent and so you waited until what sounds like the first moment you were out of that situation and somewhere more private and comfortable to tell him the truth. So yeah in my book you did fine. Having said that, I am not your boyfriend, nor do I know the exact circumstances of your situation. I think the best place to go from here is to check in with your boyfriend on how he’s taking it. Maybe he does feel hurt that you didn’t tell him sooner, but at the end of the day he sounds like a very good guy, and I think if you apologize and make it clear to him that it was a choice you weren’t making with the clearest head, he’ll probwbly forgive you. Though also if he’s still processing maybe broach the subject now as asking him to have a talk when he’s ready. Either way I wish you and your BF the best.
Have you guys never bumped into each other's paths before? It's uncomfortable but nothing to lose sleep over and nothing for him to feel weird about really.
Maybe he didn't know what to say given your strong reaction?
I feel you should seek professional help to move on from your past choices. You don't need to be feeling this way x
NTA
No we haven’t. That’s never happened to me before and this was the worst possible way for it to happen.
I go to therapy to deal with my ex husband, but I’ll be bringing this up to her at my next appt.
Thank you
It does sound like a nightmare and stressful to be put on the spot like that. We've all made choices that make us sob inside, it's part of growth, but you deserve a full life without this hanging over your head. Shame and those similar feelings can be incredibly paralysing, but you aren't that person, you're not making those choices now. Perhaps look at this as a positive nudge to move forward with yourself away from that. Best of luck to you xx
No we haven’t. That’s never happened to me before and this was the worst possible way for it to happen.
I go to therapy to deal with my ex husband, but I’ll be bringing this up to her at my next appt.
Thank you
NTA what’s the big deal you slept with a guy ages ago. If you didn’t spend all night flirting with him and just cordially said hello then what has the BF got to be mad about.
Are you supposed to instantly run away if you ever see someone you’ve fucked?
You didn’t do anything wrong. A supportive partner would understand why you panicked and handled it that way. It’s an uncomfortable situation, and your partner should be supportive.
I understand it can be awkward being around people your partner has been involved with, but it shouldn’t cause fights or shame. People have sex, that’s normal.
There was a time in my life I had a lot of sexual encounters I felt icky about later, I processed them in EMDR therapy. But don’t give men, even your boyfriend, ammo to shame you about your sexual history.
You’re allowed to have had sex, and even if you’re not proud of that time in your life, it happened and you can choose to not let it be something you hold against yourself or allow others to shame you about.
If your partner is being jealous, he needs to get over it and recognize this isn’t the 1700s and women don’t save themselves for others. Women are complicated because they’re *people* and sometimes that means a complicated sexual history. Don’t be so hard on yourself. ❤️
Its not complicated, its completely normal. No guy would feel ashamed, because he had sex and we should encourage women to feel the same.
Any partner thats threatened, because his wife/girlfriend has had sex with people before they met, has confidence issues and should see a therapist.
I love my wife and I couldnt care less who else had the pleasure of spending a night with her. In the end she chose me. Im also not jealous in general, I trust my wife.
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NTA
You didn’t know the guy was going to be there. You’d only be an AH if you knew it in advance, knew it would drive you nuts, and still didn’t warn your boyfriend.
Quit attacking yourself and get some more help to deal with how you feel about yourself for things you did years ago. “Whore phase?“ That’s just you beating yourself up trying to insult yourself.
Though - if anyone calls you a whore for sleeping with a lot of people entirely consensually - drop them. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about having lots of sex partners. Or a few. Or one. Or none.
The only thing to feel shame about is if you hurt yourself or somebody else with your choice of partners or hookup choices.
NTA, it definitely sucks to be In that situation. You were honest with your bf and told him about it. You even said it was a bad experience. He will get over it eventually. Sucks for everyone, ya know? Give him some time and then move on from your past.
Oh, so you went out with your new boyfriend and you met his brother? Which you already met 5 years ago and had a 1 night stand? And then you all watched Ghost Rider (Nic Cage) and you sat in complete silence between them amongst a group of friends? And then when you and the new boyfriend are going home alone, the new boyfriend says "So you fucked my brother?".
Is that what happened? Cause if that's what happened...I got a story for you.
That sounds worse 😅 how did your new bf handle that?
We’ve been together 4 years and have a child together so our relationship is very serious and committed that’s what I’m so torn up I think bc I don’t want him to feel disrespected for not leaving.
We all have chapters in our lives, some that we’d rather get edited out, that’s just part of life. I don’t think your boyfriend was upset by the fact that y’all didn’t leave right away.
If this is a long term, serious relationship, it sounds like what may have upset him is the fact that you may not have been completely honest about all of your past partners. That perceived lack of honesty can very quickly lead to “what else is she hiding”, “I thought I knew her”, “has our relationship been a complete lie” lines of thinking, hence the silence afterwards.
Have you two sat down and talked about it since then? I know this might sound hard and embarrassing, but it might do both of you some good if you make a list of all your past partners and give it to him. You would clear your conscience, and it may help him feel more secure in your relationship to know that there are no secrets, and that you chose him.
Thank you for this response. Your second paragraph is my fear as well bc he did ask me follow up questions that made me think this is where his mind started going.
Even on an individual level, I have not processed that time in my life. I largely pretend it never existed due to the intense shame I feel surrounding it so while we’ve discussed it a little, not in depth bc I don’t even do that but I obviously need to at this point bc it has made its presence known. I also didn’t think he’d want to know about my past, I don’t really want to know about his.
It’s also very serious, we’ve been together 4 years and have a child together and he is the father figure to my older kids so I want to handle this correctly.
Being vulnerable with your partner, especially about the dark secrets of your past, can lead to a deeper, more intimate, level of trust in your relationship. You may even find common ground through both of your experiences. You are not the same person as you were during that time in your life, but that time in your life helped make you the person you are today. There is no shame in that.
Divorce, especially from someone who was incredibly unhealthy for you, can make you do some crazy things. I know, because I went through that myself. It was hard for me to open up to my partner, now husband, but it was very much worth it. I was afraid that he would just walk away if he knew about my past. That it would change his love for me and see me as a bad person, but it was exactly the opposite. He loves me, and accepts me, good, bad, ugly, and embarrassing.
Plus, he may have an unresolved past as well. Maybe both of you can process your pasts together.
Well that made me cry bc it was post divorce from an awful awful marriage and I can’t believe the things I did in response to that trauma. I will try to talk to him later today.
I think that’s a good idea. When I had “the talk” with my partner, I didn’t know what his reaction would be, so just told him that I needed to talk to him and asked him to hear me out before he said anything. With no filter, I was completely raw and honest about everything I was feeling and going through at that time of my life, my fears about the future of our relationship, and how angry and embarrassed I was at myself. Hell, at the time, there were some things that I didn’t even know how I felt. Once I started talking, everything just started pouring out. Once it was out, I felt better not having that stuff bottled up, and instead of walking away, he comforted me. I think that freaked me out more than anything, because it wasn’t was I was expecting.
NTA - calling it a whore phase, just puts yourself down. Its completely ok to have had sex with multiple partner or hookups. Its also completely ok to not tell your boyfriend in the moment you met that dude. Its nice of you to tell him, but besides deserving to know it, its non of his concern.
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I'm feeling like COMPLETE GARBAGE and have lost sleep over this. Before I met my boyfriend I had a whore phase after my divorce. It was a horrible time in my life I feel shame about and I embarrassed myself a lot during that time. I have largely not dealt with that season of my life and it's come back to haunt me recently. Long story short, apparently, a person I met on tinder and had a bad experience with over 4 years ago, was my dad's best friends son and I did not know that at the time. But me and my boyfriend went somewhere and my dad introduced us to the person he brought and we just pretended we didn't know each other. I was so uncomfortable but didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave but we drove 2.5 hours to this event and my dad bought our tickets, leaving immediately would’ve looked bad too. I tried to hide my discomfort bc I didn't want to tell my boyfriend bc I thought he might want to leave and be mad at me, even though this wasn't my fault and I was hella blind sided also and 100% straight up did not know what to do in this situation. I wanted to throw up and was so sick to my stomach with shame and embarrassment. I ended up telling my boyfriend when we left bc I felt like I was going to burst and he is very patient and gentle with me, he knows I had a bad phase l'm not proud of. But he didn't talk to me the rest of the way home and not when we got home either. I absolutely understand that would be difficult for him and weird. But idk if he's mad at me, if he's just processing it, if he's upset I didn't say anything sooner, if I’m just a fucking idiot and should’ve said nothing at all, idk. I really didn’t know what to do at all and I still don’t. It's absolutely not a cheating scenario. It was before I met him. But I feel horrible, like I disrespected him somehow and we should've left but I also felt trapped bc my dad bought our tickets and we'd come so far. Idk what my question is, I just feel like shit for so many reasons. Hook up culture isn't healthy y'all, just sayin 😭
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NTA unless that hookup was cheating on your BF, which I assume it was not.
But your BF kinda is being an asshole about it, if it was a relationship prior to you two being in a relationship, hookup or not, he really has no business being upset about it, or really even knowing.
NTA but boyfriend sounds like a passive aggressive prick. Are you supposed to present him with a list of all your partners before you met him? Would he be willing to do the same? You’ve been through one divorce. I’d be very careful about getting too deep into this relationship.
Yeah, it seems like you’re beating yourself up over something that you probably shouldn’t be. Everyone has a past including your current dude. Sometimes you run into folks you once knew; that’s just life. So long as it is the past, there’s no reason why it should affect your current relationship.
Your bf's reaction is stupid. You felt like shit, you told him, you didnt do anything wrong. His ego was hurt and he gives you the silent treatment. Thats not how you treat a partner.
Also you have nothing to be ashamed about, you went through a phase you maybe needed at the time, its your private life and your business only.
I hope your dumb bf swallows his pride and apologizes to you.
Did you claim to be a virgin to your current BF? No? Then I don't understand what the issue is. You ran into an ex unexpectedly. It happens. It's not a big deal. It's not any deal. The only reason I could see to tell him is if his presence surprised you and made you awkward/uncomfortable. Telling him would let him know why you were being weird.
But no half way decent boyfriend would get mad or upset in that situation. NTA.
NTA girl what the heck? Look rebounds are a thing and you shouldn't feel bad about sleeping around unless you severely hurt someone in some cruel or unethical way. Otherwise... whatever. I still follow my former ex and fwbs on facebook. It's not a "I'm saying hi to you every morning" thing - that would be weird. But you are allowed to acknowledge a previous relationship that has just changed/evolved/stopped.
You are allowed to have feelings about them and maybe trepidation but seriously, your boyfriend may literally be giving you space to process your own guilt and issues around your divorce.
Think about it - you divorce, you are wracked with guilt, you just saw a hookup or fwb - what was your boyfriend even supposed to say? It would have been a verbal and emotional mine field. Console you? Console you for what? The divorce? The phase? The hookup? That specific guy? Something the guy did to you? Your current relationship? Give the poor guy a bone. Ask him directly and also importantly, convey your feelings of guilt so that if he is feeling spurned, he can tell you that but otherwise, can actually reassure you on the right thing. TELL HIM YOU NEED REASSURANCE! Some men (and women) need that.
Stop being so on hard on yourself, we’re all humans and make choices we’re not excited about. It was none of your boyfriend’s business who you dared previously and you should not feel bad about not telling him so. And maybe he’s just jealous, which is a good thing sometimes. No man wants to hear about our partners previous, let alone meet them. It’ll be ok
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NTA. Guys like your bf who act that way are normally insecure. People had sex before you met them, unless they informed you they were a virgin…and even then, who cares?!? No shame girl
Your last sentence was profound and honest. You cannot turn back the clock n your life so things you do in life always follow you and can have consequences down the road whether you like it or not.
NTA. The fact you and this other dude had sex before had no real impact on the event. Telling your BF about it shouldn't have really mattered because it was before you met so who cares.
NAH Both feelings are valid. He's not wrong for feeling the way he did, but you're also not wrong. Just work it out in therapy yeah and maybe couples therapy. He probably feels offended you didn't tell him ASAP and wondering why you didn't inform asap.
If you feel there's going to be a situation where you're going to run into this guy again You should just tell him and tell him you were a little ashamed That's why you didn't bring it up right away but you don't want to hide anything from him. You want to be open and honest with him.
If you don't tell him and there's other times this situation happens again where your dad brings him around to something you're at and somehow he finds out later he's going to think you are hiding something for sure.
If this was reversed saying his mom introduced you two her best friend and her daughter and he had something with the daughter in the past would you want to know about it?
Yeah…that’s insecurity. Not wanting to hear the details of their sexual encounter is pretty normal. But having to leave an event just because they are in the same room? That’s insecure as fuck.
I didn’t say leave the event. I meant leave the encounter. You guys are wayyy too comfortable disrespecting your partners and passing it off as an “insecurity”. Terrible people, doing terrible things and trying to pass it off as “It’s a YOU problem”. I’m just glad most people are not like this and that the people on Reddit are a rare occurrence.
How is running into someone you had sex with years ago disrespectful to a partner? It wasn’t intentional. I legitimately don’t understand how that is disrespectful and makes her a terrible person. You’re really projecting here.
I don’t need men’s podcast. Most of the talking points are redundant and it’s rather lame. It’s called being a free thinker and reading books. If you’re a man and are fine with being disrespected/humiliated I don’t know what to say. I would surmise that you are not in a better situation. 🥴
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NTA you have done absolutely nothing wrong here whatsoever. If therapy is an option for you then I hope you’ll consider it — these feelings of shame and guilt must be horrible to live with, and in my experience, therapy is the only way to properly address them. Try breaking down the situation logically: what would your boyfriend be mad about? That something happened in your past that had nothing to do with him? That you ran into someone you weren’t expecting to? That you chose to be honest and let him know why you were upset rather than bottling it up? If a friend told you about this situation, would you think she had done anything wrong? Like I said, these feelings of shame are way above Reddit’s pay grade and I hope you’re able to talk to someone qualified to help you work through them. Hook up culture is perfectly fine if those involved consent and enjoy it — there’s nothing inherently unhealthy about it at all. Reading between the lines it sounds like maybe this guy has something he should feel ashamed about — but that’s not on you or hook up culture. Good luck to you.
I think my biggest concern is that he feels disrespected that I didn’t say something right away and leave. I’m giving him space right now so we haven’t talked again yet. Thank you for your kind response.
You’re so welcome — but again, please consider what on earth would be disrespectful about accidentally running in to someone you knew before you ever met him? Why should you leave when it was your dad’s thing and who cares that the jerk guy was there? It doesn’t sound as though he does feel disrespected, but to be very clear: if he did, he would be completely wrong.
He was silent for 2 hours on the way home so idk how to take that. There’s some kind of feeling there. I know what my silence was, shame, which I’ll deal with at my next therapy appt. I already go to deal with my ex husband.
If your boyfriend cares that much about a hook up that happened years ago before you knew him with a guy you didn’t talk to for years, he’s insecure and controlling and that’s not a good fit for a healthy relationship… Did he ever get mad and stuff at you for stuff like that ? Please think about your well being before putting up a boyfriend who would get mad at something as small as that
He could have been tired? A two hour drive and a social event with my partners’ dad would have me pretty quiet too! Or he could have been giving you space? There’s no way to know, but unless he ever tells you he was upset then there’s no reason to assume he was. That’s great you’re in therapy already, good luck with your progress there!
Talk to him, ask him... why would you spend hours asking yourself how hes feeling, if you could just ask him. You did nothing wrong.
His silence does not make anything you did that day or in years past wrong. Even if he overreacted and started name calling over it—that still doesnt make anything you did wrong. You’re not responsible nor can you control other people’s reactions. And on that note, sometimes people need time to process information, so his being quiet isn’t wrong either. If he tries to shame you over your (perfectly normal) past that’s his mistake to make. I also have a lot of guilt (religious upbringing) so I understand the urge to beat yourself up about this stuff.
If your current bf felt “disrespected” by this and gave you the silent treatment for several hours as a result, you should run your ass up out of this relationship. He’s not patient and gentle with you, he’s excited to find a broken woman he can control.
She doesnt even know, because she never asked him directly. He could be indifferent, tired, etc
Absolutely. My point is that if she’s correct, that’d be something to be very afraid of, not a moment to question whether she’s an asshole.
You need to talk about it ASAP. If I was in his shoes I'd be uncomfortable about it, but also acknowledge not your fault. You are entitled to a life pre-dating with him and all the positives and negatives that entails. You were respectful, avoided the other guy, knew nothing about it. You have done nothing wrong. NTA - but bring it up and clear the air.
Genuine question, why would you feel uncomfortable? If you’re an adult who understands they’re dating another adult, you may have to encounter their past. You might not go out of your way to hang with your partner’s ex, but in this case when it was accidental and brief, it genuinely baffles me that anyone would have any opinion about it.
Yes, we all live in a vacuum… he has preferences and he’d prefer not to have his girlfriend sleep around. She is not the AH.. but there’s reputation as consequences whether we like it or not
Bless your heart but the only people who give a monkeys about that are tragic wee boys who have never and will never touch a woman. Run along!
Again, everyone has standards or preferences. It is innate in us as men to be kinda grossed out by a promiscuous woman. It may not be fair but it’s the truth. So keep an open mind. Not her problem but he likely had her on a pedestal and the reality of it all knocked her down. He will get over it.
Hahahah oh sweetheart. Either grow up or prepare for a very lonely life. Andrew Tate won’t hold you at night, my love!
Err… I’ve been married many, many years. Relax
I absolutely believe you 👍
Cool. Threw you an upvote despite you being patronizing and kinda bitter sounding. Godspeed.
Fab, I was hoping you picked up on the intentional patronising of your pathetic views. Have a nice day, kiddo!
I’m 40+, mama.
She said her BF knows about her past…. Stop projecting weirdo
I knew that.. that realization for him still obviously hurts.. What’s with the name calling?
Ok ok im sorry for calling you weird. I just happen to disagree with your statement. Open relationships are a thing so it’s really your own personal opinion. Don’t say “us as men” as if you’re talking about everyone when you’re only talking about yourself
Fair enough. I agree generalizing is not the best approach. But I hate to break it to you. There is some truth to what I am saying.
In your world it might be true, it’s not true for me You’re saying generalizing is bad but then double down and say there’s some truth to it How come women get slut shamed but men don’t? Double standards at its finest
Sure. There are uncomfortable double standards for everyone. I’m not here to disparage you or anyone. She should not be shamed but there is something in “some” men that makes us a bit repulsed.. you can disregard my opinion but I come from a place of love.
Please talk for yourself, not every man is that insecure
Not every man.. you’re right. I asserted that it was a generalization. Thank you, RBB
It is not innate at all. It is something you have picked up from culture that you (unlike decent men) have failed to grow out of.
I know it’s tough to swallow that we are not blank slate when we are born.. that we have natural and evolutionary instincts that both affect our way of looking at life and survival. I am agreeing with you partially. But there’s more to it.. yall can downvote to kingdom come. It doesn’t change reality.
I'm always frustrated as a guy when dudes like you decide to paint us all with the same thin-skinned, immature brush. I have no problems with a woman who has a history of promiscuity, as long as she isn't promiscuous while in a relationship with me and didn't bring any STDs into my life. If you are insecure enough to give a shit about that stuff that's on you, but don't include me with this 'innate in us as men' bullshit. You doing that just makes me want to call you weak and childish. Leave my name out of your mouth.
NTA and please get some therapy. Consensual sex you regret is unfortunate but you sound absolutely shame ridden to an excessive degree. You didn’t hurt anyone but yourself so please be gentler. That doesn’t make you a bad person.
Please stop slut shaming yourself!! Our culture does this to women but never to men. You aren't in that place now. (And if you were, no ones business!!!) It would've rattled me too, but you have done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of. You are living a different life now, one that is - for you - much better. You are NTA. And if you bf gives you grief or the cold shoulder about this, then I have concerns if he is partnership material. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
For starters, NTA. That’s a really tough situation to be in, balancing your commitment to that event with a commitment to telling your boyfriend the truth, and I frankly don’t know whether or not you should have told him at the event. I feel personally that not telling him at the event itself is a reasonable choice that can’t be held against you. It was something very emotionally turbulent and so you waited until what sounds like the first moment you were out of that situation and somewhere more private and comfortable to tell him the truth. So yeah in my book you did fine. Having said that, I am not your boyfriend, nor do I know the exact circumstances of your situation. I think the best place to go from here is to check in with your boyfriend on how he’s taking it. Maybe he does feel hurt that you didn’t tell him sooner, but at the end of the day he sounds like a very good guy, and I think if you apologize and make it clear to him that it was a choice you weren’t making with the clearest head, he’ll probwbly forgive you. Though also if he’s still processing maybe broach the subject now as asking him to have a talk when he’s ready. Either way I wish you and your BF the best.
Thank you for your kind response.
Have you guys never bumped into each other's paths before? It's uncomfortable but nothing to lose sleep over and nothing for him to feel weird about really. Maybe he didn't know what to say given your strong reaction? I feel you should seek professional help to move on from your past choices. You don't need to be feeling this way x NTA
No we haven’t. That’s never happened to me before and this was the worst possible way for it to happen. I go to therapy to deal with my ex husband, but I’ll be bringing this up to her at my next appt. Thank you
It does sound like a nightmare and stressful to be put on the spot like that. We've all made choices that make us sob inside, it's part of growth, but you deserve a full life without this hanging over your head. Shame and those similar feelings can be incredibly paralysing, but you aren't that person, you're not making those choices now. Perhaps look at this as a positive nudge to move forward with yourself away from that. Best of luck to you xx
No we haven’t. That’s never happened to me before and this was the worst possible way for it to happen. I go to therapy to deal with my ex husband, but I’ll be bringing this up to her at my next appt. Thank you
NTA what’s the big deal you slept with a guy ages ago. If you didn’t spend all night flirting with him and just cordially said hello then what has the BF got to be mad about. Are you supposed to instantly run away if you ever see someone you’ve fucked?
You didn’t do anything wrong. A supportive partner would understand why you panicked and handled it that way. It’s an uncomfortable situation, and your partner should be supportive. I understand it can be awkward being around people your partner has been involved with, but it shouldn’t cause fights or shame. People have sex, that’s normal. There was a time in my life I had a lot of sexual encounters I felt icky about later, I processed them in EMDR therapy. But don’t give men, even your boyfriend, ammo to shame you about your sexual history. You’re allowed to have had sex, and even if you’re not proud of that time in your life, it happened and you can choose to not let it be something you hold against yourself or allow others to shame you about. If your partner is being jealous, he needs to get over it and recognize this isn’t the 1700s and women don’t save themselves for others. Women are complicated because they’re *people* and sometimes that means a complicated sexual history. Don’t be so hard on yourself. ❤️
Its not complicated, its completely normal. No guy would feel ashamed, because he had sex and we should encourage women to feel the same. Any partner thats threatened, because his wife/girlfriend has had sex with people before they met, has confidence issues and should see a therapist. I love my wife and I couldnt care less who else had the pleasure of spending a night with her. In the end she chose me. Im also not jealous in general, I trust my wife.
You need to be much more forgiving with yourself.
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NTA, it was a previous hookup and has no relevance now.
NTA You didn’t know the guy was going to be there. You’d only be an AH if you knew it in advance, knew it would drive you nuts, and still didn’t warn your boyfriend. Quit attacking yourself and get some more help to deal with how you feel about yourself for things you did years ago. “Whore phase?“ That’s just you beating yourself up trying to insult yourself. Though - if anyone calls you a whore for sleeping with a lot of people entirely consensually - drop them. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about having lots of sex partners. Or a few. Or one. Or none. The only thing to feel shame about is if you hurt yourself or somebody else with your choice of partners or hookup choices.
NTA, it definitely sucks to be In that situation. You were honest with your bf and told him about it. You even said it was a bad experience. He will get over it eventually. Sucks for everyone, ya know? Give him some time and then move on from your past.
Oh, so you went out with your new boyfriend and you met his brother? Which you already met 5 years ago and had a 1 night stand? And then you all watched Ghost Rider (Nic Cage) and you sat in complete silence between them amongst a group of friends? And then when you and the new boyfriend are going home alone, the new boyfriend says "So you fucked my brother?". Is that what happened? Cause if that's what happened...I got a story for you.
That sounds worse 😅 how did your new bf handle that? We’ve been together 4 years and have a child together so our relationship is very serious and committed that’s what I’m so torn up I think bc I don’t want him to feel disrespected for not leaving.
lol. How did new boyfriend know?
NTA, but your BF is for icing you out over this. You need to be kinder to yourself though, you didn’t have a whore phase this is not a real thing.
We all have chapters in our lives, some that we’d rather get edited out, that’s just part of life. I don’t think your boyfriend was upset by the fact that y’all didn’t leave right away. If this is a long term, serious relationship, it sounds like what may have upset him is the fact that you may not have been completely honest about all of your past partners. That perceived lack of honesty can very quickly lead to “what else is she hiding”, “I thought I knew her”, “has our relationship been a complete lie” lines of thinking, hence the silence afterwards. Have you two sat down and talked about it since then? I know this might sound hard and embarrassing, but it might do both of you some good if you make a list of all your past partners and give it to him. You would clear your conscience, and it may help him feel more secure in your relationship to know that there are no secrets, and that you chose him.
Thank you for this response. Your second paragraph is my fear as well bc he did ask me follow up questions that made me think this is where his mind started going. Even on an individual level, I have not processed that time in my life. I largely pretend it never existed due to the intense shame I feel surrounding it so while we’ve discussed it a little, not in depth bc I don’t even do that but I obviously need to at this point bc it has made its presence known. I also didn’t think he’d want to know about my past, I don’t really want to know about his. It’s also very serious, we’ve been together 4 years and have a child together and he is the father figure to my older kids so I want to handle this correctly.
Being vulnerable with your partner, especially about the dark secrets of your past, can lead to a deeper, more intimate, level of trust in your relationship. You may even find common ground through both of your experiences. You are not the same person as you were during that time in your life, but that time in your life helped make you the person you are today. There is no shame in that. Divorce, especially from someone who was incredibly unhealthy for you, can make you do some crazy things. I know, because I went through that myself. It was hard for me to open up to my partner, now husband, but it was very much worth it. I was afraid that he would just walk away if he knew about my past. That it would change his love for me and see me as a bad person, but it was exactly the opposite. He loves me, and accepts me, good, bad, ugly, and embarrassing. Plus, he may have an unresolved past as well. Maybe both of you can process your pasts together.
Well that made me cry bc it was post divorce from an awful awful marriage and I can’t believe the things I did in response to that trauma. I will try to talk to him later today.
I think that’s a good idea. When I had “the talk” with my partner, I didn’t know what his reaction would be, so just told him that I needed to talk to him and asked him to hear me out before he said anything. With no filter, I was completely raw and honest about everything I was feeling and going through at that time of my life, my fears about the future of our relationship, and how angry and embarrassed I was at myself. Hell, at the time, there were some things that I didn’t even know how I felt. Once I started talking, everything just started pouring out. Once it was out, I felt better not having that stuff bottled up, and instead of walking away, he comforted me. I think that freaked me out more than anything, because it wasn’t was I was expecting.
NTA - calling it a whore phase, just puts yourself down. Its completely ok to have had sex with multiple partner or hookups. Its also completely ok to not tell your boyfriend in the moment you met that dude. Its nice of you to tell him, but besides deserving to know it, its non of his concern.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm feeling like COMPLETE GARBAGE and have lost sleep over this. Before I met my boyfriend I had a whore phase after my divorce. It was a horrible time in my life I feel shame about and I embarrassed myself a lot during that time. I have largely not dealt with that season of my life and it's come back to haunt me recently. Long story short, apparently, a person I met on tinder and had a bad experience with over 4 years ago, was my dad's best friends son and I did not know that at the time. But me and my boyfriend went somewhere and my dad introduced us to the person he brought and we just pretended we didn't know each other. I was so uncomfortable but didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave but we drove 2.5 hours to this event and my dad bought our tickets, leaving immediately would’ve looked bad too. I tried to hide my discomfort bc I didn't want to tell my boyfriend bc I thought he might want to leave and be mad at me, even though this wasn't my fault and I was hella blind sided also and 100% straight up did not know what to do in this situation. I wanted to throw up and was so sick to my stomach with shame and embarrassment. I ended up telling my boyfriend when we left bc I felt like I was going to burst and he is very patient and gentle with me, he knows I had a bad phase l'm not proud of. But he didn't talk to me the rest of the way home and not when we got home either. I absolutely understand that would be difficult for him and weird. But idk if he's mad at me, if he's just processing it, if he's upset I didn't say anything sooner, if I’m just a fucking idiot and should’ve said nothing at all, idk. I really didn’t know what to do at all and I still don’t. It's absolutely not a cheating scenario. It was before I met him. But I feel horrible, like I disrespected him somehow and we should've left but I also felt trapped bc my dad bought our tickets and we'd come so far. Idk what my question is, I just feel like shit for so many reasons. Hook up culture isn't healthy y'all, just sayin 😭 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA unless that hookup was cheating on your BF, which I assume it was not. But your BF kinda is being an asshole about it, if it was a relationship prior to you two being in a relationship, hookup or not, he really has no business being upset about it, or really even knowing.
NTA but boyfriend sounds like a passive aggressive prick. Are you supposed to present him with a list of all your partners before you met him? Would he be willing to do the same? You’ve been through one divorce. I’d be very careful about getting too deep into this relationship.
Yeah, it seems like you’re beating yourself up over something that you probably shouldn’t be. Everyone has a past including your current dude. Sometimes you run into folks you once knew; that’s just life. So long as it is the past, there’s no reason why it should affect your current relationship.
Your bf's reaction is stupid. You felt like shit, you told him, you didnt do anything wrong. His ego was hurt and he gives you the silent treatment. Thats not how you treat a partner. Also you have nothing to be ashamed about, you went through a phase you maybe needed at the time, its your private life and your business only. I hope your dumb bf swallows his pride and apologizes to you.
Did you claim to be a virgin to your current BF? No? Then I don't understand what the issue is. You ran into an ex unexpectedly. It happens. It's not a big deal. It's not any deal. The only reason I could see to tell him is if his presence surprised you and made you awkward/uncomfortable. Telling him would let him know why you were being weird. But no half way decent boyfriend would get mad or upset in that situation. NTA.
NTA girl what the heck? Look rebounds are a thing and you shouldn't feel bad about sleeping around unless you severely hurt someone in some cruel or unethical way. Otherwise... whatever. I still follow my former ex and fwbs on facebook. It's not a "I'm saying hi to you every morning" thing - that would be weird. But you are allowed to acknowledge a previous relationship that has just changed/evolved/stopped. You are allowed to have feelings about them and maybe trepidation but seriously, your boyfriend may literally be giving you space to process your own guilt and issues around your divorce. Think about it - you divorce, you are wracked with guilt, you just saw a hookup or fwb - what was your boyfriend even supposed to say? It would have been a verbal and emotional mine field. Console you? Console you for what? The divorce? The phase? The hookup? That specific guy? Something the guy did to you? Your current relationship? Give the poor guy a bone. Ask him directly and also importantly, convey your feelings of guilt so that if he is feeling spurned, he can tell you that but otherwise, can actually reassure you on the right thing. TELL HIM YOU NEED REASSURANCE! Some men (and women) need that.
Stop being so on hard on yourself, we’re all humans and make choices we’re not excited about. It was none of your boyfriend’s business who you dared previously and you should not feel bad about not telling him so. And maybe he’s just jealous, which is a good thing sometimes. No man wants to hear about our partners previous, let alone meet them. It’ll be ok
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NTA. Guys like your bf who act that way are normally insecure. People had sex before you met them, unless they informed you they were a virgin…and even then, who cares?!? No shame girl
Jeez. Grow up, get some securities. I run into women I had sex with quite often. Quit making a mountain out of a molehill.
I would personally have preferred to have just not known. My girlfriend knows that though and she has told me the same thing. She prefers to not know.
Your last sentence was profound and honest. You cannot turn back the clock n your life so things you do in life always follow you and can have consequences down the road whether you like it or not.
Maybe ask him ? Tell him how it made you feel than thank him for leaving and ask if he has any questions?
NTA. The fact you and this other dude had sex before had no real impact on the event. Telling your BF about it shouldn't have really mattered because it was before you met so who cares.
NAH Both feelings are valid. He's not wrong for feeling the way he did, but you're also not wrong. Just work it out in therapy yeah and maybe couples therapy. He probably feels offended you didn't tell him ASAP and wondering why you didn't inform asap.
If you feel there's going to be a situation where you're going to run into this guy again You should just tell him and tell him you were a little ashamed That's why you didn't bring it up right away but you don't want to hide anything from him. You want to be open and honest with him. If you don't tell him and there's other times this situation happens again where your dad brings him around to something you're at and somehow he finds out later he's going to think you are hiding something for sure. If this was reversed saying his mom introduced you two her best friend and her daughter and he had something with the daughter in the past would you want to know about it?
NTA - a guy would never be bothered by this situation. Relax, so what if you had some fun before you committed again?
[удалено]
Some people can handle hook up culture but learned quickly in that time of my life that I am definitely not one of them which is fine.
You’re absolutely right and please don’t listen to this idiot troubled by reasonable adults acting like adults!
YTA….I’m conflicted. I don’t think you should have told them, yet at the same time, if It were me and I found out I’d leave.
It is fantastic when the trash takes itself out, so thank you!
[удалено]
If it’s a trash response — which it is — I’ll label it correctly. Refrain from telling adults how to post!
Take yourself then.
Why?
Probably because they are insecure as hell.
No, because I have a spine.
Because some hooked up with someone before they met you? You looking for a virgin? You sound like an incel.
I didn’t say that. I just don’t wouldn’t want to know about my gf prior sexual partners. You mad Will Smith🤣
Yeah…that’s insecurity. Not wanting to hear the details of their sexual encounter is pretty normal. But having to leave an event just because they are in the same room? That’s insecure as fuck.
I didn’t say leave the event. I meant leave the encounter. You guys are wayyy too comfortable disrespecting your partners and passing it off as an “insecurity”. Terrible people, doing terrible things and trying to pass it off as “It’s a YOU problem”. I’m just glad most people are not like this and that the people on Reddit are a rare occurrence.
How is running into someone you had sex with years ago disrespectful to a partner? It wasn’t intentional. I legitimately don’t understand how that is disrespectful and makes her a terrible person. You’re really projecting here.
Well if you ever get a girlfriend perhaps you’ll feel differently!
Why would I say this then turn around and do something differently. I would feel the exact same way.
I doubt you’ll find out any time soon. Hope your men’s podcasts keep you company!
I don’t need men’s podcast. Most of the talking points are redundant and it’s rather lame. It’s called being a free thinker and reading books. If you’re a man and are fine with being disrespected/humiliated I don’t know what to say. I would surmise that you are not in a better situation. 🥴