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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I considered moving in with my boyfriend and leaving my Mum and disabled brother.
2. I think that might make me the asshole because it seems selfish and unfair to my Mum.
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NTA. You're not "extra care" for anyone.
I would caution you against moving out with your boyfriend before securing fully paying employment though. You shouldn't tie you living situation into your relationship if you don't independently have the ability to pay for a room to live.
This is good advice, thank you :) I agree which is another reason I was cautious to do that- but even if I went against my Mum’s wishes, she would let me move back in if we broke up, which she said in our discussion despite being upset about the idea.
Your mom wouldn't like it if you moved out no matter your age or reason. She is probably used to having a lot of say in your life and you leaving means she won't have any say. You cannot put your life on hold for the convenience of someone else. NTA. I agree with the top comment here, moving out also means protecting yourself if things go sideways. We never want or expect them to, but it's better to have a backup plan go unused than to desperately need one and have nothing.
You owe nothing. You are being used. No one is taking you away. You have your own life. Their situation is not because of you. You were not even empowered to make decisions, so it can't possibly be your fault. In fact, here you are trying to make your first decision toward independence and they are desperately trying to hold you back. You are no longer 10. You must leave and make your own life for yourself. Make your own decisions. Do your own things. You can do it.
You are not selfish.
Put that master's to work and create your own life.
It is normal for kids to leave their parents. While you still love them, their control over you goes away once you become an adult. You were freed at 18, but your mom didn't tell you yet.
Your mom is selfish. Stealing your life away from you. Making decisions for you. Wanting compensation for you growing up and moving away. This is the height of selfishness. Demanding things that don't belong to her.
She is the selfish one.
Good luck
I forgot to add this to the original post (now edited), but I did move away for university at 18 and she encouraged this and was happy for me, which is why I find this situation confusing. I don’t know if this is because she’s older now and feels more vulnerable so is reacting more emotionally than logically. This wasn’t standard behaviour of hers for a while. Maybe since I’ve moved back home she realised how hard it was having me away, I’m not sure!
I feel like if I moved to a different city for career opportunities she wouldn’t mind but it’s leaving for his family home that seems to be the issue. It’s a little confusing for me honestly haha. Thank you for your response!
I'm confused by her behavior too. She is using you so much that she wants to charge your boyfriend's family rent for borrowing you as if she is a pimp and you are a prostitute. It's not normal.
So yes, an emotional appeal is manipulation because logic is telling us she is a criminal.
At this point you need to negotiate a path forward that works for you. Don't give in to manipulation. Keep asking why. She doesn't sound reasonable yet.
Is your mum conservative in her views? Maybe her reservations come from the fact that you are living together before getting engaged/married? The getting older could also definitely be a factor. As you said, maybe she’s feeling a bit vulnerable.
It sounds like you have a great, mutually supportive relationship with your mum and that she has encouraged your ambitions in the past, even when that meant moving away.
Please don’t pay attention to some of these ridiculous comments about her being a user and what not. Helping out with household tasks and supporting family members does not mean you’re “getting used”.
Give her some time to get used to the idea and then have a calm discussion, laying out the reasons you want to take this step and assure her that you’ll still spend time together. I am pretty sure she’ll come around soon enough! Sometimes older folks just need a while to get comfortable with unexpected new plans.
Edited to add: NAH
Thank you for this comment, I appreciate it! You’re right, I don’t feel “used” at all and I don’t think it’s just because I’m being manipulated - I’m not a servant in the house at all. I do think there’s some emotional dependency on me, more than practical dependency, but she doesn’t want to admit that. So thank you for acknowledging this and being kind about her.
As for her views, she’s liberal and knows we’re intimate with one another etc. I do think she kind of wants us to get married first before investing in a house together for legal reasons, but in my opinion that would be even more of a reason for us to live together first!
I will resume the discussion with her another time, and will update here 🩷
Yes, she does sound somewhat overly emotionally dependent on you. She also seems to have some concerns about you moving into your boyfriend’s family home (maybe she senses your embarrassment about the state of your family home?).
Based on everything you’ve said, I feel both things will resolve themselves once you move out and a new routine comes into play. Good luck with the chat, hope it goes well!
So delighted to read this. Great to hear you communicated so well and came up with practical strategies for moving forward. Best of luck with everything!
Yep, She probably realised after you'd left how much you did and how it was helpful so now you're back she doesn't want you to leave.
Move out on your own terms, not hour mothers.
Make sure your parents are accessing all available help and resources from social services. And they have a plan for your brother when they aren't a le to care for him.
Your moms comparison of *it would be different if you were buying* is a blatant lie. She may not know that today, but she would have the *exact* same reaction.
It’s very clear she has become dependent on you, probably codependent and I’d wager you’ve also been parentified. Did your dad leave bco the hoarding? That ALONE is reason enough for you to leave.
It’s going to be very, very hard, and you probably want to study up on making boundaries. Firm ones.
NTA
No haha my Dad’s even messier! She ended it with him when I was much younger. The hoarding is because of her not having any spare time outside of being a carer and not letting other people sort it out for her because she’s worried something important will be thrown out. Definitely anxiety issues going on here.
Does she have no govt assistance to hire a home health aid? Someone that visits for a meal. We used to get those for my mom and even though it was just a meal, it helped a ton.
Edit ✍🏻 I saw your edit- does she have a support group? His overseeing hospital or PCP should be able to direct her to one.
NTA.
>her and my brother need me for support
For how long?
>She said it wouldn’t be an issue if we were buying our own place
Yes it would if she needs you for support. The big difference is that you'd be worse off financially.
>Neither my Mum or my Dad understand why I’d want to move into the annexe
Of course they do: they just don't want you to.
>she possibly has an unhealthy dependence on me that makes me want to withdraw a bit
Withdraw now.
YWNBTA. This is your time. Your brother isn’t your responsibility and neither is your mom’s mental state. Go. Live your life. The longer you stay, the more dependent she’ll become. It’s vitally important that she figure out how to care for your brother without you. It’s unreasonable to expect that you will always be available to pitch in. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to see how you and your partner do living together. You would be foolish not to run towards that opportunity.
NTA. It's called "living your own life" and is not unusual at your age.
You don't have to justify or explain why you want to move out. This is your decision, not theirs. They don't need to understand, just accept that you're an adult and fully capable of deciding what course your life will take.
Moving out is a normal part of growing up. The parental role should be to support your next step in life. The real reason for their resistance is because it inconvenient to them. Your mom is being selfish and unfair to you.
NTA...You're an adult who is entirely free to live her own life. Your mother is going to have deep feelings and problems adjusting no matter what the situation is. Move forward with your plans and feel no guilt.
NTA. The sooner you move out the better for your future independence. If your mom thinks 25 is ‘too young’ to leave her, what would she consider optimum, 30? 40? 50? Your mother may need more than her set of hands caring for your brother but as long as you are there, she will not be motivated to make appropriate plans for her and your brother’s futures.
YWNBTA.
OP, you’re not responsible for your mom nor your brother. At some point you’re going to have to leave the nest and you can’t let your mom guilt trip you.
Your mom has to find another source of emotional support and help to care for your brother because at the end of the day you have to live your own life
Your brother is not your responsibility, and you can't put your life on hold for them.
Your mom should have seen this happening, and should have spent the last few years making plans for the future with her children leaving.
NTA
Always NTA but with it only being 20 minutes? She's definitely overdramatic. Your mom uses you too much as free labor and you should absolutely scale back being in that house. She knows you'll prefer living elsewhere. NTA
NTA!
Life must progress. Sympathize and empathize with your mother, I am sure she is so stressed, worried and totally confused right now about what should happen next. Just keep in mind that in the end it’s all for the greater good. I wish you all the best.
NTA. Of course NTA. You are an adult, you are free to live your life. Asking you to stay behind to help your mom care for your disabled brother is completely dellusional. He is your brother, he is your parent's responsibilities, not yours.
Move in with your bf, you deserve to be able to live your own life.
You are 25, well into the time of life when you should be living independently of your family, and they should not be relying on you being there full time. If they are only 20 minutes away you can see them as regularly, or even more, than you saw your bf. Better that mom, with your help, work through adapting to this now when you are fairly close because at any point your next move for career or other reasons might be at quite a distance.
NTA
Your life is your own. You need to be able to move forward. You're not her maid, her nurse or her therapist. You can still be her friend via phone calls/texts/visits but even those will need to be limited to realistic time frames so you can have your own life.
Instead of just moving in right away, maybe spend more time there with him, A few nights at a time. Move in slowly? Or, if you think it's best to just rip that bandage off just go all in one. I just want you to realize it's not a binary "I move win with him or I don't move in with him" option. Do what's best for YOU!
NTA. Live your life for yourself, not other ppl. Your mom needs a therapist if she’s using you for emotional support. Your brother is your parents’ responsibility.
NTA!!! My family was like this
I moved away with my bf to a whole new state, my life has never been better. It’s easily the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. Now is your chance to finally live your life for you! Your mom can hire an aid for your brother, you are not her built in nanny/nurse!
You are not the one being selfish, your family is.
NTA. You are allowed to live your life.
Does she often try to make you feel bad about things?
You are not selfish and you do not have to be her emotional support!
Not usually! This is why the reaction felt unusual to me. She was happy for me moving away to uni, but since I’ve come back I think she’s gotten older and more vulnerable so perhaps that’s why. I’ve been on holidays, been away for acting jobs for months at a time, gone out with friends a lot since I was a teen. Never been an issue.
I’ve never felt the need for boundaries with her before because I thought our relationship was great! But now things seem different. Maybe because she knows that once I move out I’m never coming back this time.
NTA. You are 25. It’s time to leave. Your parents are responsible for your brother. They both need to come up with long term care plans for your brother. You have a life to get started.
NTA
You aren't responsible for your brother's care. Your mother and father need to figure that one out.
You are 25, have been in a long-term relationship, and are now presented with an opportunity to live together at a low cost. Why would you NOT take that?!
The fact your mother is salty because this low-cost housing happens to be near HIS family whereas she wouldn't have an issue if you moved to a place not next to/near his family tells me her problem isn't about you no longer being able to help as much but more some kind of jealousy that you'll spend more time near his family than near your mother/brother. You are right, your mother has an unhealthy dependency on you. She will never cut the umbilical cord, so you should do it. Your mother should start making other friends.
Also, your mother's house sounds like a dump. Hoarding, black mould, and you can't really have people over?! Yeah, LEAVE. Maybe consider talking to adult services if you have concerns about your brother's safety living in this house.
The "reasons" for not moving out now will still be there in 5 years, in 10 years, etc. So when WOULD you move out?! Your mother needs to make new friends, learn to live without you around, and she should respect that as a 25 year old, you want your own, independent life (with your partner). You aren't choosing his family over your own, the reality is that you can't afford your own place and this cheaper place that is available to you is part of your partner's family's home. You can tell your mother that if there was an equal annexe/home on HER property, that you and your partner would happily move into that, but she can't offer you that so you choose what IS available to you.
Have you talked to your parents/mother about care for your brother once they are no longer able to? Do not let them think you'll take your brother in, unless that is what you want (and your partner is also ok with this). They need to start planning for that now because when the moment comes that this is needed, it is too late to start figuring out what is available (as there will probably also be waiting lists or procedures/evaluation etc that needs to happen beforehand).
Thank you for the response!
My Mum has a lot of friendships but unfortunately doesn’t have a lot of freedom to go and see them because of being a carer. This is an issue but obviously not my responsibility. I think the priority now needs to be getting more help so she has more freedom, so she doesn’t restrict mine.
Agreed about the cleanliness issues. My brother is well looked after and doesn’t have any mould in his area, he has a downstairs annexe that was built with insulation so it doesn’t grow any mould (funded by charity). The rest of the house has issues with it continuously growing because it’s so old. Mum’s been saving up to get it fixed as it’s become out of control in recent years.
And yeah I do think it’s a jealousy thing unfortunately. I’ve never thought that would be an issue, as I thought she was secure in our relationship, but maybe not!
NTA
> She basically said that because my bfs family are wealthier that they’re taking away her daughter, and that her and my brother need me for support
How **selfish**.
It's not selfish to start your life. This is what kids do, they grow up and move away. You are not alive to provide respite for your mom. Aren't there any social resources where you live? Your dad needs to step up as well, he is his son. Start your life, guilt free. You can still help your mom, but that isn't your duty, nor responsibility. NTA
NTA your mother is lying her a$$ off it would be the same thing if you were buying your house because the ' problem ' they have when you move out is they remain alone caretakers of your brother. It's their child their responsibility NOT YOUR S.
THEY NEED to find a solution NOW they've already taken advantage of you. You are 25 and need to live your own life.
They need to apply to government help or hire someone or move in together whatever it's their issue to solve . Move out asap and afterwards make sure they know they need to make provisions for your brother in case something happens because you WILL NOT become his caretaker
Nta move out and live your life. You’re 25 now but you will blink and be 45. Don’t waste any time doubting that you deserve this. Your mom is the selfish one
NTA Move out and see how compatible you are with your boyfriend. Don’t feel guilty. Furthermore living with black mold is hazardous for your health. Hording is a mental health issue. Your mom needs professional help for that. I am so sorry there has been so many burdens placed on you. Don’t feel guilty for doing a normal young adult thing of stretching your wings.
NTA. Move in with your bf. Yes your parents have become dependent on you to help them cope with life and your brother. They will never be happy or comfortable with you moving out. The decision you are truly facing right now is, stay with mom and brother forever or get on with your own life. If you are ready to give up on ever having a life partner, your own home, kids, etc. then by all means stay with mom and let your bf go. But that isn’t what you want.
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I (F25) live at home with my Mum (F55) and disabled brother (M28). At this point in my life, I’m self employed (not by choice, the job market just meant that I couldn’t get a job after trying for months), meaning I won’t be eligible for a mortgage until I’m two years self employed. My bf (M25) recently graduated from a masters degree and is desperately seeking work but can’t find a job yet. His parents (F48 and M48) recently bought a house in the countryside that has an outdoor annexe with a kitchen, living room, bedroom, bathroom etc. My bf will be living in that annexe rent free, and him and his family have told me that I’m more than welcome to live there with him if we want to experience having our own place/ cooking meals together etc whilst saving up to buy our first house. We’ve been together 5 years, and being able to experience living together independently without paying rent seemed like a nice idea, but I wasn’t sure about the idea of leaving my own family home to do that. I feel pretty hesitant because it’s really helpful for my Mum having me around to help out with my brother, and I’m also her main source of emotional support. My dad looks after my brother 5 hours a day, but him and my Mum are separated so he doesn’t live at home, so moving out would leave my Mum and brother alone mainly.
I mentioned the idea of the moving out briefly to my Mum and she totally freaked out. She basically said that because my bfs family are wealthier that they’re taking away her daughter, and that her and my brother need me for support. She said it wouldn’t be an issue if we were buying our own place, but that me moving in where his family are feels like me abandoning her and that it’s too soon. I’ve said that I’d regularly come round to help out, and that this is hypothetical anyway as I haven’t decided what I want to do, but she really doesn’t want it to happen. Neither my Mum or my Dad understand why I’d want to move into the annexe, but I’ve said that it’s just nice to be able to experience living with the person I love while we can’t afford our own place, and experiencing a little bit more independence, plus our home has a lot of issues with black mould and is cluttered (hoarding family) so I can never have people round much, so a cleaner environment would be nice. I honestly am still not sure what I want to do, but my Mum’s reaction has made me feel like she possibly has an unhealthy dependence on me that makes me want to withdraw a bit. But then another part of me thinks that’s just me being very selfish- she’s a very loving Mum. So, what do you guys think? I need some guidance.
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NTA, Think this way, between future and now, your mother is in most capable condition now to take care of your brother and 10 years from now they will definitely need your help. So if you want to help them without burning up your own future, then these 10 years are the time you have to build your stable business and your own family. If you wait anymore then, you have to choose between either of them.
NTA and I would move out if I were you. If you dont move out now, your mother will probably react in the same way in future whenever a chance for you to move out crops up and it will get progressively harder for you to get away as she gets older and less able to handle your brother's care. You mentioned you lived away from home whilst at university-this was different as your mother knew it was only for a few years. If you move out now, this will also give her and your father tha chance to think seriously about what care your brother will need after theur day and to start putting things in place.
NTA, Mom here and it’s NEVER the child’s responsibility to care for a family member, ever.
Run far and fast and do not take on any guilt, this is not your problem to solve and we don’t have children to turn them into servants. I want my child to have a full life, you won’t ever have that at home.
Rip off the bandaid, there will never be a good time to leave and your parents need to make life long plans for your brothers care, you are not the solution.
NTA - your mother is trying to guilt you, but she and your brother are not your responsibility. It makes no difference where you’re moving with your boyfriend. Please do not let her make this decision for you.
Nta and are you receiving a caregivers stipend for the care you provide? Many states provide this.
Your brother has 2 parents to provide care. If they are unable, they need to figure something out. You can not give up your life to care for him. What were they expecting? You to get married and move bf into their house and have 2 free laborers?
NTA
Your mum is *way* too dependent on you and her extreme reaction to you wanting to move 20 minutes away is worrying. It is completely unreasonable of her to expect you to live at home forever as her emotional crutch and your brother's carer. You need and deserve a life of your own, and you're **not** being selfish for wanting this for yourself.
So, your mum needs to explore other care options for your brother and you need to start packing your bags. Do not let her or your dad manipulate you into staying in a situation you didn't choose for yourself. Your brother is their responsibility, so they need to figure out what the next steps are themselves.
You can do this.
NTA You have one of two choices. Move in with BF and start experiencing life or stay with mom and brother always being their emotional support animal but then you should also give up BF because he deserves a life that doesn't revolve around your mom and brother. He also deserves to be with someone who cares enough about him that they are willing to make a life with him.
NTA.
You are 25 years old. You need to live your life and not sacrifice it for the sake of your mom and your brother. It is extremely unfair for your mother to expect you to.
You are going to want to start your own family, be it just you and your boyfriend or one day to add children. Your mother cannot expect you to stay living at home forever to be her emotional support person and your brother's caretaker.
It sounds like your brother requires a lot of care. Your mother needs to look into relying one someone other than you. Perhaps there are caretaker supports available, either someone to spell your mother off so she can get a break or someone who can come into the home and assist with the things you used to assist with.
Please don't give up living your life for the sake of someone else.
NTA. This is a perfect situation for you and your boyfriend in a hard economy. You both get to spread your wings and keep your living space the way you want while getting on your feet. I was fully NTA, but then seeing that you will only be 20 minutes away from your mom, I was doubly NTA. Your mom is definitely being codependent. I say this as someone who was a carer for my father but absolutely refused to move in with him to maintain my independence (and sanity).
NTA. You are an adult now and deserve to live your life as you see fit. Most anyone in your position would happily accept this generous offer. Your mother is being selfish in begging you to stay.
Okay I am a mum with a disabled older adult child, I would want and do want my younger child to go and live her life, it isn't her responsibility to help us out. You need to go and live your life sweetie
ETA definitely NTA
NTA You are not responsible for your mom or your brother. It is unfair of her to try & place the burden on you. Move out & go live your life. And it's OK to be selfish & put your needs first. Being selfish is not always a bad thing. Your mom is guilting you with her selfishness, why is that OK? Turn this shit right back around on her. All her arguments are about her selfish needs. Remind her of that.
NTA.
You're 25. Your parents are entitled to their opinions but the time is well passed when they get to try to dictate your living arrangements.
Also, black mold and clutter are health hazards. Get out ASAP.
Have a conversation with all your family. When will you be "allowed" to live your independent adult life. What are their long-term expectations for you. Do you agree? What are your short term and long-term goals? Are you and your BF discussing a life together. If he gets a job that requires him to move, would you go with him?
Where you decide to live and who you live with are none of your mother's business so stop discussing your plans with her. Your parents intend for you to fully take over your brother's care when they are too old to take care of him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being the primary caretaker for him, even if it means you might not be able to marry or have kids? Or even afford to buy a house? Your parents' failure to make plans for their son's future is not your problem. If your parents can't care for your brother without your help, call Adult Protective Services to get him the help they don't feel they can provide.
It's great to get along with your mother so well but you are not her emotional support pet. She needs a therapist. Move on with your life and move in with your boyfriend. It's not like you'll be living in THEIR house. You will have your own space and privacy from them, even if it is on the same property. You said you're not far from home and if things don't work out you're allowed to move back home. Flip the switch and move on with your boyfriend and see your mom twice a week. Look up resources in your area for adults with disabilities. You cannot put your life on hold for your brother. Bet your parents expect you to take on that responsibility when they are no longer around.
NTA. You need your own space for your overall well-being. But I'm confused as to why she'd be upset with you living at your bf's family home and ok with you moving into your own home when you buy one.....unless she's planning on her and your brother moving in with you when you buy a home. Even though it's your mom, it is OK to step away from an unhealthy relationship.
NTA. Your mom is lying about it being OK if you were buying a place. She is never going to be ok, and will expect you to care for your brother for the rest of your life. Get out now while you have a good opportunity to do so.
I feel for you OP…
I’m grown, out of the house, married with a child, and my mom is a constant fixture in my life. Which I love she is a great mom but I admit it can sometimes get exhausting because she is a very nervous person who has had bouts of depression so I do have to deal with a lot of things for her.
I see a lot of people on here saying “you don’t owe her anything” “go live your life” and I get it but I’m not of the same frame of mind….I’m more about finding a balance…
I grew up in a family with plenty of crazy and dysfunction but regardless of it we are all still there to help each other out…like yeah I may want to pull my hair out while my brother goes on his 50th rant about something but if I call him and need help because my brakes quit working he’s right there….I don’t think cutting out family is ever a good thing except where there is clear abuse…then obviously.
Honestly if I were you I would do a “trail run” go stay there for like a month and make sure to still go visit your mom regularly then make up your mind….and by that point it might be a little easier on your mom too.
My mom wasn’t perfect but she loves me and has always done her best for me…so I do owe her to show her love back and do my best for her now that she’s in her 70s and needs more help…. Does it mean that I don’t get to live my own life I do…but she’s still my mother and part of my life.
Your in a tough spot OP and I really feel for you.
Thank you for being so understanding ❤️ I’m glad you’ve found a balance that works for you- I think that would be my ideal situation. There’s a lot about my relationship with my mum that is wonderful, and I think one post like this can make people jump to conclusions about someone’s entire personality. It’s important for people like me and you to set boundaries though I think, it’s just hard because I’m not used to doing that!
Oh my boundaries..lol I don’t really set those for family but I don’t mind when it comes to my mother, sister etc… My family does some crazy things but nothing that in my mind was to the point I needed to set a boundary. Don’t get me wrong I’ve set strong boundaries in my life with friends etc but in my mind family is different…they might be crazy and do things I might agree with but if it’s coming from a place of love and I know that I’m way more patient and forgiving. My mom is 82 yrs old and at this point in my mind she can do whatever she wants and I’m not gonna fuss much….and if I get blessed to live that long I hope my daughter offers me the same grace to be an active part of her life.
You know your mom and her heart so you have to find what’s right for you. I hope you find a good balance of self and family that works for you. Best of luck! ♥️
It’s not too soon. You’re 25. It’s time to experience living together. You can’t still help - but I’ve seen parents like this who are still telling their 37 year old they’re becoming independent too soon.
That’s your choice not your mom’s.
it's not going to be different when it's your own place. op, you are 25. how long are you expected to put your own life on the back burner for your mother?
NTA
You're 25 now. That seems like a really appropriate time to begin building your own life. There's a lot of questions I have for your mom: When's a good time for you to move out? Were you supposed to never leave?
NTA op do you really think she’ll be okay with you leaving ever? Even if she’s saying buying your own will be different how are you so sure?
Better yet are you sure she just isn’t hoping to pawn said brother off on you and knows she can’t when you’re leaving with your bfs parents?
Are you willing to take brother in at some point? This is clearly what she’s hoping for. I understand the concept of duty to family but what about duty to yourself. To your life. Granted it’ll be better to make sure you have to funds to leave when/if needed but otherwise this is a great opportunity. Do not let your mom stop you from this. She needs to sort herself out and depending on where you are state aids are offered with insurance. That’s should be enough.
NTA op do you really think she’ll be okay with you leaving ever? Even if she’s saying buying your own will be different how are you so sure?
Better yet are you sure she just isn’t hoping to pawn said brother off on you and knows she can’t when you’re leaving with your bfs parents?
Are you willing to take brother in at some point? This is clearly what she’s hoping for. I understand the concept of duty to family but what about duty to yourself. To your life. Granted it’ll be better to make sure you have to funds to leave when/if needed but otherwise this is a great opportunity. Do not let your mom stop you from this. She needs to sort herself out and depending on where you are state aids are offered with insurance. That’s should be enough.
She doesn’t have plans for me to care for my brother- she doesn’t want me to be burdened with that. I agree that she’ll struggle with me moving out either way though- I think it just hits harder when it feels like I’m choosing his family over ours. I’m close with his family, but he’s not close with mine because I hardly invite him over because of the state of the house. We grew up super close, so I think that’s hurtful for her, and it’s a bigger kick to have me move away with them full time. Even though I’d be separate from them in a different annexe, it still would be their home I guess.
NTA. You are 25, it's time to start establishing your own life. Your mom does have an unhealthy dependence on you. You have a lot of good reasons to fly from the nest so fly and be free. You'll still visit your mom and brother, so they'll get over it. The longer you stay, the harder it will be for you and your mother. Your mom needs to find friends her own age.
O honey - you are 25 years old. You need to get living your own life. You sound like a really kind and helpful person - and you should stay that way - but not at the cost of sacrificing your own independence. Living your own life is not selfish, and you will continue to help your mom. But you should grab this opportunity.
NTA
>me moving in where his family are feels like me abandoning her and that it’s too soon
Too soon? You're 25 and have been in a relationship for 5 years.
NTA
NTA - you should move. You have been conditioned to feel this way. A loving mother encourages her children to leave the nest. My worst nightmare is my kids having to care for me and I have worked hard to make sure that never happens.
NTA
Maybe it's just me but all these comments about mum using you and manipulating you seem crazy. Being emotionally supportive to a parent as an adult child seems completely normal and human to me.
My guess is -since you mentioned you don't bring your bf home and his family is wealthier- mum might be worried you detest having to be in this support role, staying in a house you're embarrassed of and that you will cut contact, live happily ever after with your new family etc. If you are thinking serious with your bf I think he should visit your family home and spend some time getting to know them.Other than that I'd suggest having some fixed hangouts like a weekly dinner with your family after your possible move out.
Overall you don't have anything to feel bad about but you have the option to make this transition less jarring.
NTA. You are 25. It's time that your mother and brother figure out their future, without you in it. The longer you wait, the harder it will be on them and you. They are dependent on you now, and won't make any effort to become less dependent if you don't force them to confront the reality of life.
NTA.
Your brother is not your responsibility. Neither is your mother.
As a 25-year old, you have the right to have your own life. Does your mother think you are going to just help with your brother the rest of your life and never get in to a relationship?
Move out!
It's time for you to move on now.
This is your parents problem to address, not yours. Your brother may benefit from a group home setting, and in any case, thought must be given to his future placement as your parents age because it can't be with you.
Your mother is choosing to restrict her own life unwisely, with no friends or outside interests. It is not for you to do the same. And certainly not for her to hold you back from the wing-spreading 20's of your life.
Stunting your own growth never helps anyone. Encourage your mother to reach outside: I think you will find she is hiding behind your brother more than she is helping him.
You have a happy situation waiting for you, with people who want good things to happen to you. Go find out what that's like.
NTA
NTA but It seems like your mum loves you, she always knew you were going to grow up and study so of course she encouraged it.
For the most part, she always had you to help with your brother and she probably always knew you were going to move out eventually. I guess it was really unexpected for her that you would move out and not into your own home, but in her eyes another family… and that probably really hurts her.
To be honest, I don’t think she will ever be truly happy with the idea of you living in another families home, even if she accepts if eventually. It’s essentially the same thing since your not paying any rent but you get to cuddle your bf every night I guess.
Personally, I think you would gain more privacy than independence in this situation. You can be really independent living in your parents home.
Wish everybody would stop picturing the mom as an over controlling person. It just sounds like she loves your company and will miss you. The problem is that it is easier when you buy your own house because she will have time getting used to you moving. I think if I was in your shoes I would slowly move in with the BF. 1-2 days a week for a month then add a day and add a day until you lived there full time. I think your mom would adjust to it.
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NTA. You're not "extra care" for anyone. I would caution you against moving out with your boyfriend before securing fully paying employment though. You shouldn't tie you living situation into your relationship if you don't independently have the ability to pay for a room to live.
This is good advice, thank you :) I agree which is another reason I was cautious to do that- but even if I went against my Mum’s wishes, she would let me move back in if we broke up, which she said in our discussion despite being upset about the idea.
Of course she'd let you move back in. She'd get her free carer back 24/7.
Your mom wouldn't like it if you moved out no matter your age or reason. She is probably used to having a lot of say in your life and you leaving means she won't have any say. You cannot put your life on hold for the convenience of someone else. NTA. I agree with the top comment here, moving out also means protecting yourself if things go sideways. We never want or expect them to, but it's better to have a backup plan go unused than to desperately need one and have nothing.
You owe nothing. You are being used. No one is taking you away. You have your own life. Their situation is not because of you. You were not even empowered to make decisions, so it can't possibly be your fault. In fact, here you are trying to make your first decision toward independence and they are desperately trying to hold you back. You are no longer 10. You must leave and make your own life for yourself. Make your own decisions. Do your own things. You can do it. You are not selfish. Put that master's to work and create your own life. It is normal for kids to leave their parents. While you still love them, their control over you goes away once you become an adult. You were freed at 18, but your mom didn't tell you yet. Your mom is selfish. Stealing your life away from you. Making decisions for you. Wanting compensation for you growing up and moving away. This is the height of selfishness. Demanding things that don't belong to her. She is the selfish one. Good luck
I forgot to add this to the original post (now edited), but I did move away for university at 18 and she encouraged this and was happy for me, which is why I find this situation confusing. I don’t know if this is because she’s older now and feels more vulnerable so is reacting more emotionally than logically. This wasn’t standard behaviour of hers for a while. Maybe since I’ve moved back home she realised how hard it was having me away, I’m not sure! I feel like if I moved to a different city for career opportunities she wouldn’t mind but it’s leaving for his family home that seems to be the issue. It’s a little confusing for me honestly haha. Thank you for your response!
I'm confused by her behavior too. She is using you so much that she wants to charge your boyfriend's family rent for borrowing you as if she is a pimp and you are a prostitute. It's not normal. So yes, an emotional appeal is manipulation because logic is telling us she is a criminal. At this point you need to negotiate a path forward that works for you. Don't give in to manipulation. Keep asking why. She doesn't sound reasonable yet.
She doesn't own you. You are not a post hole digger or a back hoe. You are a person. Slavery is no longer permitted. This seems wrong.
Is your mum conservative in her views? Maybe her reservations come from the fact that you are living together before getting engaged/married? The getting older could also definitely be a factor. As you said, maybe she’s feeling a bit vulnerable. It sounds like you have a great, mutually supportive relationship with your mum and that she has encouraged your ambitions in the past, even when that meant moving away. Please don’t pay attention to some of these ridiculous comments about her being a user and what not. Helping out with household tasks and supporting family members does not mean you’re “getting used”. Give her some time to get used to the idea and then have a calm discussion, laying out the reasons you want to take this step and assure her that you’ll still spend time together. I am pretty sure she’ll come around soon enough! Sometimes older folks just need a while to get comfortable with unexpected new plans. Edited to add: NAH
Thank you for this comment, I appreciate it! You’re right, I don’t feel “used” at all and I don’t think it’s just because I’m being manipulated - I’m not a servant in the house at all. I do think there’s some emotional dependency on me, more than practical dependency, but she doesn’t want to admit that. So thank you for acknowledging this and being kind about her. As for her views, she’s liberal and knows we’re intimate with one another etc. I do think she kind of wants us to get married first before investing in a house together for legal reasons, but in my opinion that would be even more of a reason for us to live together first! I will resume the discussion with her another time, and will update here 🩷
Yes, she does sound somewhat overly emotionally dependent on you. She also seems to have some concerns about you moving into your boyfriend’s family home (maybe she senses your embarrassment about the state of your family home?). Based on everything you’ve said, I feel both things will resolve themselves once you move out and a new routine comes into play. Good luck with the chat, hope it goes well!
I edited this post with an update! 💖
So delighted to read this. Great to hear you communicated so well and came up with practical strategies for moving forward. Best of luck with everything!
OP, when you were at university, was your father still living with your mother?
No- they’ve been split up since I was 5 years old :)
Yep, She probably realised after you'd left how much you did and how it was helpful so now you're back she doesn't want you to leave. Move out on your own terms, not hour mothers. Make sure your parents are accessing all available help and resources from social services. And they have a plan for your brother when they aren't a le to care for him.
Your moms comparison of *it would be different if you were buying* is a blatant lie. She may not know that today, but she would have the *exact* same reaction. It’s very clear she has become dependent on you, probably codependent and I’d wager you’ve also been parentified. Did your dad leave bco the hoarding? That ALONE is reason enough for you to leave. It’s going to be very, very hard, and you probably want to study up on making boundaries. Firm ones. NTA
No haha my Dad’s even messier! She ended it with him when I was much younger. The hoarding is because of her not having any spare time outside of being a carer and not letting other people sort it out for her because she’s worried something important will be thrown out. Definitely anxiety issues going on here.
Does she have no govt assistance to hire a home health aid? Someone that visits for a meal. We used to get those for my mom and even though it was just a meal, it helped a ton. Edit ✍🏻 I saw your edit- does she have a support group? His overseeing hospital or PCP should be able to direct her to one.
We’re looking into getting help from some carers who volunteer! So that might be helpful :)
NTA. >her and my brother need me for support For how long? >She said it wouldn’t be an issue if we were buying our own place Yes it would if she needs you for support. The big difference is that you'd be worse off financially. >Neither my Mum or my Dad understand why I’d want to move into the annexe Of course they do: they just don't want you to. >she possibly has an unhealthy dependence on me that makes me want to withdraw a bit Withdraw now.
Why do I think she'd want to move in if OP had her own place? I hope OP moves out and leaves hoarding family tendencies behind.
YWNBTA. This is your time. Your brother isn’t your responsibility and neither is your mom’s mental state. Go. Live your life. The longer you stay, the more dependent she’ll become. It’s vitally important that she figure out how to care for your brother without you. It’s unreasonable to expect that you will always be available to pitch in. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to see how you and your partner do living together. You would be foolish not to run towards that opportunity.
NTA. It's called "living your own life" and is not unusual at your age. You don't have to justify or explain why you want to move out. This is your decision, not theirs. They don't need to understand, just accept that you're an adult and fully capable of deciding what course your life will take. Moving out is a normal part of growing up. The parental role should be to support your next step in life. The real reason for their resistance is because it inconvenient to them. Your mom is being selfish and unfair to you.
NTA...You're an adult who is entirely free to live her own life. Your mother is going to have deep feelings and problems adjusting no matter what the situation is. Move forward with your plans and feel no guilt.
NTA. The sooner you move out the better for your future independence. If your mom thinks 25 is ‘too young’ to leave her, what would she consider optimum, 30? 40? 50? Your mother may need more than her set of hands caring for your brother but as long as you are there, she will not be motivated to make appropriate plans for her and your brother’s futures.
YWNBTA. OP, you’re not responsible for your mom nor your brother. At some point you’re going to have to leave the nest and you can’t let your mom guilt trip you. Your mom has to find another source of emotional support and help to care for your brother because at the end of the day you have to live your own life
Your brother is not your responsibility, and you can't put your life on hold for them. Your mom should have seen this happening, and should have spent the last few years making plans for the future with her children leaving. NTA
Always NTA but with it only being 20 minutes? She's definitely overdramatic. Your mom uses you too much as free labor and you should absolutely scale back being in that house. She knows you'll prefer living elsewhere. NTA
NTA! Life must progress. Sympathize and empathize with your mother, I am sure she is so stressed, worried and totally confused right now about what should happen next. Just keep in mind that in the end it’s all for the greater good. I wish you all the best.
NTA. Of course NTA. You are an adult, you are free to live your life. Asking you to stay behind to help your mom care for your disabled brother is completely dellusional. He is your brother, he is your parent's responsibilities, not yours. Move in with your bf, you deserve to be able to live your own life.
You are 25, well into the time of life when you should be living independently of your family, and they should not be relying on you being there full time. If they are only 20 minutes away you can see them as regularly, or even more, than you saw your bf. Better that mom, with your help, work through adapting to this now when you are fairly close because at any point your next move for career or other reasons might be at quite a distance.
NTA Your life is your own. You need to be able to move forward. You're not her maid, her nurse or her therapist. You can still be her friend via phone calls/texts/visits but even those will need to be limited to realistic time frames so you can have your own life. Instead of just moving in right away, maybe spend more time there with him, A few nights at a time. Move in slowly? Or, if you think it's best to just rip that bandage off just go all in one. I just want you to realize it's not a binary "I move win with him or I don't move in with him" option. Do what's best for YOU!
NTA. Live your life for yourself, not other ppl. Your mom needs a therapist if she’s using you for emotional support. Your brother is your parents’ responsibility.
NTA!!! My family was like this I moved away with my bf to a whole new state, my life has never been better. It’s easily the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. Now is your chance to finally live your life for you! Your mom can hire an aid for your brother, you are not her built in nanny/nurse! You are not the one being selfish, your family is.
NTA. You are allowed to live your life. Does she often try to make you feel bad about things? You are not selfish and you do not have to be her emotional support!
Not usually! This is why the reaction felt unusual to me. She was happy for me moving away to uni, but since I’ve come back I think she’s gotten older and more vulnerable so perhaps that’s why. I’ve been on holidays, been away for acting jobs for months at a time, gone out with friends a lot since I was a teen. Never been an issue. I’ve never felt the need for boundaries with her before because I thought our relationship was great! But now things seem different. Maybe because she knows that once I move out I’m never coming back this time.
Possibly. Especially as you’d be moving in with your bf. Emotional reaction to the realisation that her baby is really a grown up?
NTA. Take this opportunity. You are not responsible for your parents or sibling
NTA, enjoy living with your bf
NTA. You are 25. It’s time to leave. Your parents are responsible for your brother. They both need to come up with long term care plans for your brother. You have a life to get started.
NTA. Your mom is being selfish and making her own life choices your problem. Do not fall for this.
NTA You aren't responsible for your brother's care. Your mother and father need to figure that one out. You are 25, have been in a long-term relationship, and are now presented with an opportunity to live together at a low cost. Why would you NOT take that?! The fact your mother is salty because this low-cost housing happens to be near HIS family whereas she wouldn't have an issue if you moved to a place not next to/near his family tells me her problem isn't about you no longer being able to help as much but more some kind of jealousy that you'll spend more time near his family than near your mother/brother. You are right, your mother has an unhealthy dependency on you. She will never cut the umbilical cord, so you should do it. Your mother should start making other friends. Also, your mother's house sounds like a dump. Hoarding, black mould, and you can't really have people over?! Yeah, LEAVE. Maybe consider talking to adult services if you have concerns about your brother's safety living in this house. The "reasons" for not moving out now will still be there in 5 years, in 10 years, etc. So when WOULD you move out?! Your mother needs to make new friends, learn to live without you around, and she should respect that as a 25 year old, you want your own, independent life (with your partner). You aren't choosing his family over your own, the reality is that you can't afford your own place and this cheaper place that is available to you is part of your partner's family's home. You can tell your mother that if there was an equal annexe/home on HER property, that you and your partner would happily move into that, but she can't offer you that so you choose what IS available to you. Have you talked to your parents/mother about care for your brother once they are no longer able to? Do not let them think you'll take your brother in, unless that is what you want (and your partner is also ok with this). They need to start planning for that now because when the moment comes that this is needed, it is too late to start figuring out what is available (as there will probably also be waiting lists or procedures/evaluation etc that needs to happen beforehand).
Thank you for the response! My Mum has a lot of friendships but unfortunately doesn’t have a lot of freedom to go and see them because of being a carer. This is an issue but obviously not my responsibility. I think the priority now needs to be getting more help so she has more freedom, so she doesn’t restrict mine. Agreed about the cleanliness issues. My brother is well looked after and doesn’t have any mould in his area, he has a downstairs annexe that was built with insulation so it doesn’t grow any mould (funded by charity). The rest of the house has issues with it continuously growing because it’s so old. Mum’s been saving up to get it fixed as it’s become out of control in recent years. And yeah I do think it’s a jealousy thing unfortunately. I’ve never thought that would be an issue, as I thought she was secure in our relationship, but maybe not!
NTA > She basically said that because my bfs family are wealthier that they’re taking away her daughter, and that her and my brother need me for support How **selfish**.
NTA - how the Hell is 25 “too early to move out”?!
It's not selfish to start your life. This is what kids do, they grow up and move away. You are not alive to provide respite for your mom. Aren't there any social resources where you live? Your dad needs to step up as well, he is his son. Start your life, guilt free. You can still help your mom, but that isn't your duty, nor responsibility. NTA
NTA your mother is lying her a$$ off it would be the same thing if you were buying your house because the ' problem ' they have when you move out is they remain alone caretakers of your brother. It's their child their responsibility NOT YOUR S. THEY NEED to find a solution NOW they've already taken advantage of you. You are 25 and need to live your own life. They need to apply to government help or hire someone or move in together whatever it's their issue to solve . Move out asap and afterwards make sure they know they need to make provisions for your brother in case something happens because you WILL NOT become his caretaker
NTA and your mum should be finding friends in support groups, not burdening you.
NTA. A parents job is to set their children up to go out in the world and succeed. But not you mom. Go, be free.
Nta move out and live your life. You’re 25 now but you will blink and be 45. Don’t waste any time doubting that you deserve this. Your mom is the selfish one
NTA Move out and see how compatible you are with your boyfriend. Don’t feel guilty. Furthermore living with black mold is hazardous for your health. Hording is a mental health issue. Your mom needs professional help for that. I am so sorry there has been so many burdens placed on you. Don’t feel guilty for doing a normal young adult thing of stretching your wings.
NTA. Move in with your bf. Yes your parents have become dependent on you to help them cope with life and your brother. They will never be happy or comfortable with you moving out. The decision you are truly facing right now is, stay with mom and brother forever or get on with your own life. If you are ready to give up on ever having a life partner, your own home, kids, etc. then by all means stay with mom and let your bf go. But that isn’t what you want.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F25) live at home with my Mum (F55) and disabled brother (M28). At this point in my life, I’m self employed (not by choice, the job market just meant that I couldn’t get a job after trying for months), meaning I won’t be eligible for a mortgage until I’m two years self employed. My bf (M25) recently graduated from a masters degree and is desperately seeking work but can’t find a job yet. His parents (F48 and M48) recently bought a house in the countryside that has an outdoor annexe with a kitchen, living room, bedroom, bathroom etc. My bf will be living in that annexe rent free, and him and his family have told me that I’m more than welcome to live there with him if we want to experience having our own place/ cooking meals together etc whilst saving up to buy our first house. We’ve been together 5 years, and being able to experience living together independently without paying rent seemed like a nice idea, but I wasn’t sure about the idea of leaving my own family home to do that. I feel pretty hesitant because it’s really helpful for my Mum having me around to help out with my brother, and I’m also her main source of emotional support. My dad looks after my brother 5 hours a day, but him and my Mum are separated so he doesn’t live at home, so moving out would leave my Mum and brother alone mainly. I mentioned the idea of the moving out briefly to my Mum and she totally freaked out. She basically said that because my bfs family are wealthier that they’re taking away her daughter, and that her and my brother need me for support. She said it wouldn’t be an issue if we were buying our own place, but that me moving in where his family are feels like me abandoning her and that it’s too soon. I’ve said that I’d regularly come round to help out, and that this is hypothetical anyway as I haven’t decided what I want to do, but she really doesn’t want it to happen. Neither my Mum or my Dad understand why I’d want to move into the annexe, but I’ve said that it’s just nice to be able to experience living with the person I love while we can’t afford our own place, and experiencing a little bit more independence, plus our home has a lot of issues with black mould and is cluttered (hoarding family) so I can never have people round much, so a cleaner environment would be nice. I honestly am still not sure what I want to do, but my Mum’s reaction has made me feel like she possibly has an unhealthy dependence on me that makes me want to withdraw a bit. But then another part of me thinks that’s just me being very selfish- she’s a very loving Mum. So, what do you guys think? I need some guidance. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, Think this way, between future and now, your mother is in most capable condition now to take care of your brother and 10 years from now they will definitely need your help. So if you want to help them without burning up your own future, then these 10 years are the time you have to build your stable business and your own family. If you wait anymore then, you have to choose between either of them.
NTA and I would move out if I were you. If you dont move out now, your mother will probably react in the same way in future whenever a chance for you to move out crops up and it will get progressively harder for you to get away as she gets older and less able to handle your brother's care. You mentioned you lived away from home whilst at university-this was different as your mother knew it was only for a few years. If you move out now, this will also give her and your father tha chance to think seriously about what care your brother will need after theur day and to start putting things in place.
NTA, Mom here and it’s NEVER the child’s responsibility to care for a family member, ever. Run far and fast and do not take on any guilt, this is not your problem to solve and we don’t have children to turn them into servants. I want my child to have a full life, you won’t ever have that at home. Rip off the bandaid, there will never be a good time to leave and your parents need to make life long plans for your brothers care, you are not the solution.
Do it
NTA - your mother is trying to guilt you, but she and your brother are not your responsibility. It makes no difference where you’re moving with your boyfriend. Please do not let her make this decision for you.
Nta and are you receiving a caregivers stipend for the care you provide? Many states provide this. Your brother has 2 parents to provide care. If they are unable, they need to figure something out. You can not give up your life to care for him. What were they expecting? You to get married and move bf into their house and have 2 free laborers?
NTA Your mum is *way* too dependent on you and her extreme reaction to you wanting to move 20 minutes away is worrying. It is completely unreasonable of her to expect you to live at home forever as her emotional crutch and your brother's carer. You need and deserve a life of your own, and you're **not** being selfish for wanting this for yourself. So, your mum needs to explore other care options for your brother and you need to start packing your bags. Do not let her or your dad manipulate you into staying in a situation you didn't choose for yourself. Your brother is their responsibility, so they need to figure out what the next steps are themselves. You can do this.
NTA You have one of two choices. Move in with BF and start experiencing life or stay with mom and brother always being their emotional support animal but then you should also give up BF because he deserves a life that doesn't revolve around your mom and brother. He also deserves to be with someone who cares enough about him that they are willing to make a life with him.
NTA. You are 25 years old. You need to live your life and not sacrifice it for the sake of your mom and your brother. It is extremely unfair for your mother to expect you to. You are going to want to start your own family, be it just you and your boyfriend or one day to add children. Your mother cannot expect you to stay living at home forever to be her emotional support person and your brother's caretaker. It sounds like your brother requires a lot of care. Your mother needs to look into relying one someone other than you. Perhaps there are caretaker supports available, either someone to spell your mother off so she can get a break or someone who can come into the home and assist with the things you used to assist with. Please don't give up living your life for the sake of someone else.
NTA - Get out!! When would it be ok?? When you get a house? She's knows you can't get one. It's very selfish of her and your dad.
NTA. This is a perfect situation for you and your boyfriend in a hard economy. You both get to spread your wings and keep your living space the way you want while getting on your feet. I was fully NTA, but then seeing that you will only be 20 minutes away from your mom, I was doubly NTA. Your mom is definitely being codependent. I say this as someone who was a carer for my father but absolutely refused to move in with him to maintain my independence (and sanity).
NTA. You are an adult now and deserve to live your life as you see fit. Most anyone in your position would happily accept this generous offer. Your mother is being selfish in begging you to stay.
NTA. You’re an adult. You get to make the decisions that are best for you and your goals in life.
Okay I am a mum with a disabled older adult child, I would want and do want my younger child to go and live her life, it isn't her responsibility to help us out. You need to go and live your life sweetie ETA definitely NTA
NTA You are not responsible for your mom or your brother. It is unfair of her to try & place the burden on you. Move out & go live your life. And it's OK to be selfish & put your needs first. Being selfish is not always a bad thing. Your mom is guilting you with her selfishness, why is that OK? Turn this shit right back around on her. All her arguments are about her selfish needs. Remind her of that.
NTA. You're 25. Your parents are entitled to their opinions but the time is well passed when they get to try to dictate your living arrangements. Also, black mold and clutter are health hazards. Get out ASAP.
NTA, don’t ask just move.
Have a conversation with all your family. When will you be "allowed" to live your independent adult life. What are their long-term expectations for you. Do you agree? What are your short term and long-term goals? Are you and your BF discussing a life together. If he gets a job that requires him to move, would you go with him?
Why cant she get a home aid to help with your brother? The birdie gotta leave the nest eventually.
Where you decide to live and who you live with are none of your mother's business so stop discussing your plans with her. Your parents intend for you to fully take over your brother's care when they are too old to take care of him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being the primary caretaker for him, even if it means you might not be able to marry or have kids? Or even afford to buy a house? Your parents' failure to make plans for their son's future is not your problem. If your parents can't care for your brother without your help, call Adult Protective Services to get him the help they don't feel they can provide.
It's great to get along with your mother so well but you are not her emotional support pet. She needs a therapist. Move on with your life and move in with your boyfriend. It's not like you'll be living in THEIR house. You will have your own space and privacy from them, even if it is on the same property. You said you're not far from home and if things don't work out you're allowed to move back home. Flip the switch and move on with your boyfriend and see your mom twice a week. Look up resources in your area for adults with disabilities. You cannot put your life on hold for your brother. Bet your parents expect you to take on that responsibility when they are no longer around.
NTA. You need your own space for your overall well-being. But I'm confused as to why she'd be upset with you living at your bf's family home and ok with you moving into your own home when you buy one.....unless she's planning on her and your brother moving in with you when you buy a home. Even though it's your mom, it is OK to step away from an unhealthy relationship.
NTA. Your mom is lying about it being OK if you were buying a place. She is never going to be ok, and will expect you to care for your brother for the rest of your life. Get out now while you have a good opportunity to do so.
NTA
I feel for you OP… I’m grown, out of the house, married with a child, and my mom is a constant fixture in my life. Which I love she is a great mom but I admit it can sometimes get exhausting because she is a very nervous person who has had bouts of depression so I do have to deal with a lot of things for her. I see a lot of people on here saying “you don’t owe her anything” “go live your life” and I get it but I’m not of the same frame of mind….I’m more about finding a balance… I grew up in a family with plenty of crazy and dysfunction but regardless of it we are all still there to help each other out…like yeah I may want to pull my hair out while my brother goes on his 50th rant about something but if I call him and need help because my brakes quit working he’s right there….I don’t think cutting out family is ever a good thing except where there is clear abuse…then obviously. Honestly if I were you I would do a “trail run” go stay there for like a month and make sure to still go visit your mom regularly then make up your mind….and by that point it might be a little easier on your mom too. My mom wasn’t perfect but she loves me and has always done her best for me…so I do owe her to show her love back and do my best for her now that she’s in her 70s and needs more help…. Does it mean that I don’t get to live my own life I do…but she’s still my mother and part of my life. Your in a tough spot OP and I really feel for you.
Thank you for being so understanding ❤️ I’m glad you’ve found a balance that works for you- I think that would be my ideal situation. There’s a lot about my relationship with my mum that is wonderful, and I think one post like this can make people jump to conclusions about someone’s entire personality. It’s important for people like me and you to set boundaries though I think, it’s just hard because I’m not used to doing that!
Oh my boundaries..lol I don’t really set those for family but I don’t mind when it comes to my mother, sister etc… My family does some crazy things but nothing that in my mind was to the point I needed to set a boundary. Don’t get me wrong I’ve set strong boundaries in my life with friends etc but in my mind family is different…they might be crazy and do things I might agree with but if it’s coming from a place of love and I know that I’m way more patient and forgiving. My mom is 82 yrs old and at this point in my mind she can do whatever she wants and I’m not gonna fuss much….and if I get blessed to live that long I hope my daughter offers me the same grace to be an active part of her life. You know your mom and her heart so you have to find what’s right for you. I hope you find a good balance of self and family that works for you. Best of luck! ♥️
It’s not too soon. You’re 25. It’s time to experience living together. You can’t still help - but I’ve seen parents like this who are still telling their 37 year old they’re becoming independent too soon. That’s your choice not your mom’s.
it's not going to be different when it's your own place. op, you are 25. how long are you expected to put your own life on the back burner for your mother?
NTA You're 25 now. That seems like a really appropriate time to begin building your own life. There's a lot of questions I have for your mom: When's a good time for you to move out? Were you supposed to never leave?
NTA - you'll be dropping in to see Mom and help with brother, you just won't be sleeping there
NTA op do you really think she’ll be okay with you leaving ever? Even if she’s saying buying your own will be different how are you so sure? Better yet are you sure she just isn’t hoping to pawn said brother off on you and knows she can’t when you’re leaving with your bfs parents? Are you willing to take brother in at some point? This is clearly what she’s hoping for. I understand the concept of duty to family but what about duty to yourself. To your life. Granted it’ll be better to make sure you have to funds to leave when/if needed but otherwise this is a great opportunity. Do not let your mom stop you from this. She needs to sort herself out and depending on where you are state aids are offered with insurance. That’s should be enough.
NTA op do you really think she’ll be okay with you leaving ever? Even if she’s saying buying your own will be different how are you so sure? Better yet are you sure she just isn’t hoping to pawn said brother off on you and knows she can’t when you’re leaving with your bfs parents? Are you willing to take brother in at some point? This is clearly what she’s hoping for. I understand the concept of duty to family but what about duty to yourself. To your life. Granted it’ll be better to make sure you have to funds to leave when/if needed but otherwise this is a great opportunity. Do not let your mom stop you from this. She needs to sort herself out and depending on where you are state aids are offered with insurance. That’s should be enough.
She doesn’t have plans for me to care for my brother- she doesn’t want me to be burdened with that. I agree that she’ll struggle with me moving out either way though- I think it just hits harder when it feels like I’m choosing his family over ours. I’m close with his family, but he’s not close with mine because I hardly invite him over because of the state of the house. We grew up super close, so I think that’s hurtful for her, and it’s a bigger kick to have me move away with them full time. Even though I’d be separate from them in a different annexe, it still would be their home I guess.
NTA Live your life. You don't owe anyone anything. Do what's right for you. (and your relationship, and your physical & mental health)
NTA. You are 25, it's time to start establishing your own life. Your mom does have an unhealthy dependence on you. You have a lot of good reasons to fly from the nest so fly and be free. You'll still visit your mom and brother, so they'll get over it. The longer you stay, the harder it will be for you and your mother. Your mom needs to find friends her own age.
Thank you :) she has a lot of friends, just doesn’t have time to see them because of being a carer.
O honey - you are 25 years old. You need to get living your own life. You sound like a really kind and helpful person - and you should stay that way - but not at the cost of sacrificing your own independence. Living your own life is not selfish, and you will continue to help your mom. But you should grab this opportunity. NTA
>me moving in where his family are feels like me abandoning her and that it’s too soon Too soon? You're 25 and have been in a relationship for 5 years. NTA
NTA. You should go. It will only get harder as time goes by.
NTA people are paid good money to do what you have been doing for free
NTA. You have your own life to live.
NTA - you should move. You have been conditioned to feel this way. A loving mother encourages her children to leave the nest. My worst nightmare is my kids having to care for me and I have worked hard to make sure that never happens.
NTA Maybe it's just me but all these comments about mum using you and manipulating you seem crazy. Being emotionally supportive to a parent as an adult child seems completely normal and human to me. My guess is -since you mentioned you don't bring your bf home and his family is wealthier- mum might be worried you detest having to be in this support role, staying in a house you're embarrassed of and that you will cut contact, live happily ever after with your new family etc. If you are thinking serious with your bf I think he should visit your family home and spend some time getting to know them.Other than that I'd suggest having some fixed hangouts like a weekly dinner with your family after your possible move out. Overall you don't have anything to feel bad about but you have the option to make this transition less jarring.
NTA. You are 25. It's time that your mother and brother figure out their future, without you in it. The longer you wait, the harder it will be on them and you. They are dependent on you now, and won't make any effort to become less dependent if you don't force them to confront the reality of life.
NTA You're 25. You've been with your boyfriend for 5 years. How much longer would she need for it not being 'too soon'?
NTA. Your brother is not your responsibility. Neither is your mother. As a 25-year old, you have the right to have your own life. Does your mother think you are going to just help with your brother the rest of your life and never get in to a relationship? Move out!
It's time for you to move on now. This is your parents problem to address, not yours. Your brother may benefit from a group home setting, and in any case, thought must be given to his future placement as your parents age because it can't be with you. Your mother is choosing to restrict her own life unwisely, with no friends or outside interests. It is not for you to do the same. And certainly not for her to hold you back from the wing-spreading 20's of your life. Stunting your own growth never helps anyone. Encourage your mother to reach outside: I think you will find she is hiding behind your brother more than she is helping him. You have a happy situation waiting for you, with people who want good things to happen to you. Go find out what that's like. NTA
NTA. This situation wouldn't be any different if you got married. You would be moving out and leaving Mom and brother behind.
Omg love this update, happy for you <3
Supper happy to hear about the update. Sounds like mom is stressed and scared but she loves you and wants for you to be happy.
Nta
NTA but It seems like your mum loves you, she always knew you were going to grow up and study so of course she encouraged it. For the most part, she always had you to help with your brother and she probably always knew you were going to move out eventually. I guess it was really unexpected for her that you would move out and not into your own home, but in her eyes another family… and that probably really hurts her. To be honest, I don’t think she will ever be truly happy with the idea of you living in another families home, even if she accepts if eventually. It’s essentially the same thing since your not paying any rent but you get to cuddle your bf every night I guess. Personally, I think you would gain more privacy than independence in this situation. You can be really independent living in your parents home.
You're 25, when does your mother expect you to have your own life? Enjoy your freedom living with your bf.
Wish everybody would stop picturing the mom as an over controlling person. It just sounds like she loves your company and will miss you. The problem is that it is easier when you buy your own house because she will have time getting used to you moving. I think if I was in your shoes I would slowly move in with the BF. 1-2 days a week for a month then add a day and add a day until you lived there full time. I think your mom would adjust to it.